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(To participate in our current riff, click here. Currently we’re doing part six of “The Catch”.)





One-shots:



An Evening With A Pegasus

The DiscordExe Trilogy

The Celestial Sabre Saga

Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Shorts

Community Shuffle #2

Community Shuffle #1

My Little Fazpony

Cupcakes: Creepypasta Edition

The Enemy of My Enemy

Baron Silver

A Friendship Broken by Loyalty

The Ponyville Curse

A Beautiful But Scary Effect

My Life in MLP/The Search Of Equestia

Ten Minutes: Aftermath

The Conversion Bureau



Multi-parters:



A Displaced Monster: Sampler - 1.5 - 2

The Catch: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

My Brave Pony: Starfleet Humans: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4

My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

Past Sins: Part One - Part Two - Part Three



* * *





RingmasterJ5: So… bad news: The Catch is back to a weekly schedule. Meaning this riff will likely have a more-or-less permanent spot as the last one of the month as long as he keeps updating it.

SC276: Good news: this story might be able to elicit reactions besides straight-up boredom.

JofY: But I just finished repairing my emotional roller coaster of boredom!

RingmasterJ5: Anyway, SC, could you recap the last part for anyone new?

SC276: Gladly. Last time on The Fumble but Badly Written: passive-aggressive disagreement with being riffed veiled as a hypocritical anger monologue, Celestia from nowhere, smirking waitresses, no decent progression of romance subplots, and this story finally catches up with the rest of plant-boy’s library by having someone get it in the ass. And as I understand it, it’s about to nosedive into even stupider?

RingmasterJ5: That it is.

SC276: Hoo boy, this is going to either suck or be good. Bit of a toss-up there.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, part six of “The Catch” by Kudzuhaiku.



Scarlet: Ooh, hey! I’m in this one! *waves* And um, this is the one that broke me. Stay tuned for my soul dying!

JofY: I call eating your soul’s heart!





Chapter 28



It was difficult pulling one’s self together after everything had been pulled apart.



JofY: But that was life for sentient puzzles.



The sounds of Rye Mash’s shallow breathing filled his own ears, echoed in his head, and made him feel dizzy as the sound caused him pain.



JofY: Well, try deep breathing then.

SC276: That echoing has always been there. You’re only just now noticing it.



He still had to meet with Princess Celestia. The day would continue with him or without him.



SC276: Any way we can make it “without” without causing a paradox?

Scarlet: No idea but I’ve got several hundred locked rooms, a jackhammer, and a bottle of nitroglycerin we could use to help find out.



He had duties to attend to, a job to perform.



Scarlet: Readers to bore.



Bloody Velvet, when asked why she would let this happen, had informed him that she wasn’t his mother and was in no way responsible for him—a statement which Rye found himself in agreement with.



JofY: [Velvet] “I, am your father.”

SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT’S MATERNITY SOFTWARE HAS NOT BEEN UPDATED IN 9-9-9-9-9-9...”



When pressed for information, Bloody Velvet had leveled him,



SC276: Flattened him out?

Scarlet: Nah, she was just trying to push him to first level.



coming into his mind



SC276: If this is non-consensual, does it count as mind rape?

Scarlet: It’s The Catch. This entire story counts as mental abuse of the reader.



and showing him from a different set of eyes, Velvet’s eyes,



SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT HAS DONE ITS BEST TO ENSURE THE STREAM IS IN A FILE FORMAT UNIT-RYE’S SYSTEM WILL BE ABLE TO PROCESS.”



and he had seen himself. He had been happy, laughing, jolly, carefree, there could be no doubt that he had wanted it.



JofY: He wanted her eyes.

SC276: ~Welcome one and all to Flumpty Bumpty's / If your light's turned off, then you're safe...~



The alcohol had worn away his inhibitions and had freed him.



Scarlet: And so by the grace of Jack Daniels he was saved.



He had experienced a wonderful time, even if he couldn’t remember it.

For whatever reason, Mousy was avoiding him, at least it felt that way. She and Bloody Velvet had vanished with one another and Rye had no idea what they were doing, what they might be talking about, or how they might be conspiring against him.



SC276: Just because you can move around, you think you’re better than I am!

Scarlet: Well I mean, they’re not wrong.



Starjammer was gone, he had been summoned to see Princess Celestia, Starjammer had refused at first, but Princess Celestia was not one that would be or could be denied.



JofY: [Celestia] “Oh god, this is terrible, just kill me now… Wai- *killed*”

SC276: Did she also authorize that run-on sentence?

Scarlet: [Rye, literally one scene ago] “I SHALL NOT GIVE UP MY ARMS!”



With great reluctance and a fair bit of fear, Starjammer had gone to speak with Princess Celestia, and Rye had been left by himself with nopony to talk to.



SC276: I mean, it’s not like there’s at least two dozen other miscellaneous crew members. Like Oracle, Telescope, Woe… or, y’know, the kangaroo.

Scarlet: To be fair, his last conversation with her was over the course of torturing someone.



Which was, perhaps for the best.



JofY: After all, he was mute.



Rye was still trying to get his head together and Starjammer never had very much to say.



SC276: That’s the author’s fault.



Rye wasn’t even certain what could be said between them at this point, other than they had shared a visceral experience with one another.



With slow release, Rye let a sigh escape.



JofY: Quick! Get it!

SC276: Specter will not get away with this!



There was no point in regretting it, Rye’s reservations and hangups had kept him from getting something he had wanted, of that there could be no doubt.



Scarlet: Only his hangups and reservations kept him from finishing a single chapter of “The Catch”.



He had wanted it, ever since that first confusing kiss that Starjammer had given him, but Rye was more concerned about being proper.



JofY: Oh, god. They’re turning british.

Scarlet: I wish. Maybe then they’d be able to tell a decent joke.



Bloody Velvet had flashed him with her memories of the event…



JofY: ...Pervert.



Rye had seen himself as others had seen him, it was a profound, meaningful moment in his life, a life changing moment,



SC276: Now say it a third time so we can dub thee Lady Redundant Woman.



and he realised he was grateful for what Velvet had done.



Grateful or not, he still had no answers about what to do next. A part of his mind suggested that he was getting hung up again,



JofY: But the rinse cycle just finished! He shouldn’t be dried that quickly!



he was getting all uptight, he was focusing too much on how to go about doing this the proper way, the perfect way, with all of the right rules, the right things done, with everything as it should be.



JofY: Don’t forget to always extend your pinkie!



While thinking about this, Rye had himself something of a revelation—he was a pirate.



JofY: *slow clap*

SC276: ~Fuck the police!~ Which he would probably do, let’s be honest...



He paused, his mind correcting him, he was a privateer with a commission from the Crowned Head of Equestria absolving him of his crimes, past, present, and future.



JofY: ...Nevermind.



Privateers followed the rules because they obeyed the contracts they were given.



JofY: Just like Assassins uphold the law by murdering others.

Scarlet: Insert… Terry… Pratchett… here.



Alone, Rye let out a groan.



JofY: Uhh...



This is what had made him such a good servant.



JofY: UHH...



He held a deep concern for the rules, for order, for doing what was right, he was a slave to order.



JofY: ...Well, time to pull out all BDSM jokes.

SC276: So, slave to the antithesis of Discord? I’m sure someone’s come up with that by now.



Last night, he had freed himself from such concerns for a while, had done something random, spontaneous, and unpredictable.



JofY: How agast!



Now, he was once again a slave to order, married to a near stranger. Another form of servitude. Or was it?



JofY:

SC276: Is his conclusion that he has to be drunk all the time? Honestly, everypony being drunk would explain a lot.



Why did he have to think about it as servitude?



JofY: Personally, I think that the fetish comes from the desire-



Princess Celestia’s ship was quite a wonder.



JofY: Wonder where she parked the DAMN thing that is! She said, pier 93, but nooooo, it was on pier 92, which for some reason is on the complete other side of the island!



Rye stood on the deck, his eyes wide and staring. Unicorns and pegasi moved about on the deck, doing whatever it was that they were doing.



JofY: Earth ponies don’t get those privileges.

SC276: They’re below decks, running on hamster wheels to generate power.



Rye could smell pine oil soap coming from somewhere, perhaps the deck was being scrubbed.



SC276: Actual scrubbing of the poop deck?



He didn’t know. He could smell bread baking, fragrant steam was rising from a vent, no doubt there was some kitchen down below. This wasn’t a ship so much as it was a flying palace. Curiously enough, Rye Mash saw no earth ponies anywhere.



JofY: Well, of course. They’re on Equestria, not Earth. *rimshots*



None at all.



JofY: Oh, please, you haven’t found Earth Pony Waldo?

SC276: Watch, it’s going to turn out that the crown keeps Earth ponies only as slave labor. I wouldn’t put it past this crap universe.



Pegasi could fly and fight while unicorns could deal with fine detail work. Rye realised that earth ponies would be superfluous on a crew such as this.



JofY: There’s no need for strength!

SC276: I’ve never researched sailing ships, and I’m pretty sure plant-boy hasn’t either.



The unicorns could deal with heavy loads and moving cargo by using their telekinesis.



It was a profound moment of realisation for Rye. He stared at the visual evidence that earth ponies were unnecessary in this life.



JofY: ...You know what. [Racist Moment: 1] The main ground rule for this, is that it’s going to be for each separate moment of racism. So, even if there are more racist moments in this scene, it won’t go up.

Scarlet: I’m going to be observing your racism counter and just quietly taking notes for something. Don’t mind me.

SC276: This seems really unnecessary, really. Why explicitly point out that you don’t have Earth ponies around? Have people been actually complaining about it?



Captain Spyglass kept a fair number of earth ponies around, but almost all of them were used for moving goods when they reached port.



JofY: Because strength is hardly needed on something that operates on pushing and pulling heavy parts.



In the air, earth ponies could not fly, could not wield weapons, (at least in a general sense, they still had their own hooves) and were quite limited as to what they were capable of.



JofY: What are living tanks needed for?



Now, Rye could see that they were not needed at all, and something about the sights around him made him feel sad.



JofY: Join the Italian Native American crying over littering on the freeway.

SC276: I don’t know why, but I feel offended by this entire digression.

Scarlet: That’s because you have good taste, aren’t an idiot, and see this for the lazy imagination it is!



Earth ponies had the short end of the stick in life. No magic, no wings, just garden variety ponies.



JofY: Yeah, what is food even good for?



Rye wondered why Spyglass even had earth ponies in his crew when it seemed that labourers could be found in any port. Thoughtful, Rye realised that Captain Spyglass had to have a reason and it was probably a good one.



SC276: Maybe you should go ask him then, instead of continuing this racist tangent of yours.



Then, he saw her.



JofY: Old Woman Jenkins!?



The tall figure moving toward him, wearing a bright blue cloak. Her face was obscured under the heavy folds of fabric. He squinted, the sun making him feel nauseous, and he wondered why he was meeting with Princess Celestia in private rather than with Captain Spyglass, as had been planned.



SC276: Because you’re the main character. Haven’t you figured it out yet?



His head still ached and more than anything, he wanted to crawl back into bed. He lifted his head, trying to stand a little taller, trying to look a little more dignified as Princess Celestia approached.



SC276: And failing miserably.



“I hear that congratulations are in order,” Princess Celestia said as she approached.



Rye nodded, but said nothing.



“Many of my guard celebrate the first issue of their pay by going out,



JofY: [Worker A] “Hey everyone! A payment went through!”

[Everyone else] “Yaaaay”



having a nice time, then having too nice a time, and waking up in the morning with wives they had met the night before.”



SC276: this is a regular thing are you kidding me



Princess Celestia’s voice was soft, gentle, one of instruction and wisdom. “Walk with me, Mister Mash, getting the blood flowing should help your head.”



SC276: [Celestia] “And if it doesn’t, I can just mind-control your nervous system into increasing your heart rate or something.”



Obedient, Rye fell into step with Princess Celestia as she took off at a trot.



JofY: So, she called running, walking? What a jerk.



He bit down on his lip, not knowing what to say or to do, not knowing why he was here speaking to her without his captain.



JofY: Is he going to start crying?

SC276: How about asking where they’re actually going?



“What do you plan to do, Mister Mash?” Princess Celestia asked.



JofY: “Do you plan to apologize?”



“I don’t know,” Rye replied, his voice low.



JofY: In all honesty, it was quite silly.



He looked up at the alicorn beside him, wondering what she was thinking, what she was feeling, and why she was talking to him about this when there were far more important things to discuss.



SC276: [Celestia, thinking] “When’s he going to drop his guard so I can mind-control him? I mean, it’s not like it’s the main thing I’m known for that diverges me from canon.”



“You have the wisdom of centuries… do you have any advice?”



“Very few ponies respect my ‘wisdom of centuries,’ Mister Mash.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because of this specific narrative and no one trusts me because I keep trying to mind-control everypony.”



To Rye Mash’s ears, Princess Celestia’s voice now sounded guarded, low, almost flat,



SC276: As her characterization?



she almost sounded surprised, or perhaps he was hearing things.



JofY: But he was deaf.



It took Rye several steps to keep up with just one of Princess Celestia’s steps and he followed her as she walked around the deck, looking up at her, trying to be attentive.



JofY: Huh? What?



“Miss Mousy strikes me as being quite perceptive, smart, courageous, and capable.” Princess Celestia paused, taking a deep breath, and then continued,



JofY: “Then again, I have only known her for five seconds.”



“Tell me, how did the two of you meet?”



“I sort of rescued her from thugs and ruffians,” Rye replied.



“Ah, yes… young maids tend to want to marry their rescuers.



JofY: And some want to marry their captors.

SC276: Explain Woe then.



You have to trust somepony in this life, and who better than the individual that proves themselves trustworthy by saving your life?”



JofY: I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.



The tall white alicorn turned her head and looked down at Rye, her face still hidden under her hood.



“I don’t get it.



JofY: Join the club.



We hardly even know one another. We’re strangers.”



JofY: Celestia, or Mousy?

SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘the author not knowing how to write.’”



Rye cleared his throat, aware that Princess Celestia was looking at him, but he felt uncomfortable because he could not look into her eyes. He felt small, feeling more like a colt, and he had a growing sense of insecurity. He was a foal next to this strange creature, this alicorn, this embodiment of the three tribes.



SC276: Who leaves out one of the three on her craft because *applause from Animal Crossing characters*



“Mister Mash, fillies and young mares want the same thing that everypony else wants in life.



JofY: Freedom to do what they want?



A sense of security. A feeling of protection.



JofY: Uhh… No. I never thought as a kid: “Man, I feel really unsafe about this. If only there was a way to protect me.”

SC276: That’s what blankets are for.



We all desire the same things, sustenance, shelter, and security.



JofY: Oh no. It’s philosophy hour.



Try to see the world through her eyes. She is an earth pony, she is clearly quite clever, she has her mind and little else. She has no wings, so no means to fly away from trouble, and she has no horn, which means no magic to back up her intelligence.



JofY: Okay, while this technically the same scene, it’s a different character, and the topic had shifted, so: [Racist Moment: 2]

SC276: OK, author, we get it, you don’t like Applejack, move on already.



To find the sustenance, the shelter, and the security she craves, it means finding a like minded companion that can shore up her shortcomings.”



Tail swishing, Rye nodded, understanding a bit more. “So a practical arrangement.” He blinked, almost stopping. “What about love?”

JofY: ~~Don’t you want someone to care about you?~~



“What does love have to do with anything? Sustenance, shelter, security.”



JofY: Aw great, it’s repeating.



Princess Celestia’s voice lowered, almost to a whisper.



JofY: How low can their voices go?

SC276: Hopefully low enough to get under the bar.



“Love is a luxury, something you have if you are lucky, if you are graced, if life sees fit to give you extra. Love is something you figure out if you have after you have your sustenance, shelter, and security sorted out.



JofY: Or if you want those sorted out for you.

SC276: Does anyone else hear headdesking?



If you have a good partnership with somepony and both of your mutual needs are being met, one does not sully their practical relationship with love, thus risking their very existence.



JofY: ...Huh?



But, should love happen, if you are lucky to have it blossom, it is pleasant to experience.”



JofY: [Celestia] “Just make sure to get to The Doctor, or a Delorean before you disappear.”



“So marriage isn’t about love?” Rye asked.



JofY: I sure do wonder if Kudzu is married.



“Most of the time, no it is not,”



JofY: Survey says: No!

SC276: ~Marriage is a partnership / A little tit-for-tat / You’d think a lifetime watching us / might have taught her that...~



Princess Celestia replied. “Love is something that happens in story books… more often than not, love is the undoing of many good relationships. But it is nice when you can find it. Love is a treasured, many splendored thing.”



JofY: Celestia is really bipolar about the subject. “We love, love. We love it. No! We hate love!”

SC276: I’m pretty sure she stole that line from a movie somewhere or something.



Princess Celestia let out a cough, a wheeze, and then drew in a deep breath. “Many of my guards keep the wives they wake up with.



JofY: “Daddy, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?”



The seasons roll by and the seasons pass.



JofY: The seasons don’t bother helping a poor man.

SC276: I pass. New deal.



They settle in with their wives, become affectionate with time and familiarity. They have foals, become a family, life goes on. They exist together, either as partners, as friends, or as lovers for those lucky few. The seasons and time have their way with them, as seasons and time have their way with all, and one of them passes.



JofY: Are the seasons and time rapists?



The survivor realises how lucky they were to have a good partner, a good mate, they understand how blessed they were by fate and chance to wake up next to the pony they would spend their lives with after a drunken night of revelry. Such is the way that life works. I have watched this play out for thousands of turns of the seasons now. I can say that by averages, based upon my observations, of the happiest marriages I have seen, the couple started out as strangers, a chance encounter, usually involving alcohol, a simple twist of fate.”



JofY: Honestly, it can be near, far, wherever you are. I believe that your heart will, your heart will, go on.

SC276: And no one is concerned at all about the rising number of drunk marriages? Also, you’re happiest married to someone you’ve never even met? Also also, [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because I’m mind-controlling them all every time because I really don’t like any of you, but that’s the fact.”



Rye Mash did not know how to respond to everything Princess Celestia had said.



JofY: After all, it was incredibly stupid.

SC276: We’re barely holding our own ourselves.



He felt overwhelmed. How could he argue or deny the reasoning of a being that had seen thousands of turns of the seasons, by her own words?



JofY: Point out how flip-flopping she’s been?



“Mister Mash, marriage is a lot like claiming land.



JofY: ...Okay. Everyone, take five. This is going to hurt.



You do what you must, by hook or by crook, you claim or you seize what you have an interest in, and then after laying a claim to it, or after taking it, you do what you can to make the land yours.



SC276: You get drunk for it?

JofY: I’d recommend running-on it.



You build a homestead. You build walls for defense. The important thing is that you have the land, you figure out what to do with it after you have it.



JofY: Alright, we’ve fought for over 50 years, lost millions, and will forever be broken, just to get this land… Aw hell, what did we want it for again?



With land comes sustenance, shelter, and security.”

SC276: So… the leader of Equestria doesn’t give a fuck about women's rights? Is the author literally brain-dead?



To Rye’s ears, Princess Celestia sounded like a patient schoolteacher. A somewhat sick, weakened schoolteacher.



JofY: A shallow parody of what she once was.

SC276: [Celestia] “Usually I have them under mind-control by now.”



She did not sound well. To show that he was listening, he acknowledged her words. “I think I have a better understanding now… maybe. I still need time to think and sort everything out.”



Thoughtful, Rye, who thought himself intelligent, noticed that Princess Celestia kept using three words over and over. Sustenance, shelter, and security. As he trotted beside her, he gave these words some thought and considered how they applied to him.



SC276: Not all that well, as it turned out.



When he was a servant, he hardly ever had to worry about where his next meal came from.



JofY: Didn’t he have money in the last part?



Sure, most of them were not very good meals, but he had food. He had to have food to function, and Lace Collar had made certain that he was fed.



JofY: Okay… Well, too bad I don’t know anything to nitpick this scene.

SC276: I’m guessing the feed was salty, white, and came out of his cocktip.



Rye had a roof over his head. He had lived among the very wealthy and the privileged. The roof over his head had been far better than those who lived in shacks. He had lived a sheltered, comfortable enough, well to do existence acting as Lace Collar’s servant. As for security, for most of his existence as a servant, he had been kept safe.



SC276: Yeah, like that helped when the pirate ship attacked.



Looking back on it all, he understood why he had been such a happy servant, an obedient and well heeled servant that jumped at his master’s every order.



As a servant, as an indentured servant,



SC276: Stop repeating yourself.

SC276: Freakin’ touch me again and I’ll feed you to the fic!



he had enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security not available to the common pony.



JofY: Yeah, the commons don’t get any of those… Except we already saw, and talked about how they had a place to get food, sleep, and know that there was a force dedicated to keeping the peace, two chapters ago.



He now understood why ponies lined up to be servants for the wealthy; butlers, maids, scullery maids, chambermaids, nannies, nursemaids,



JofY: Laundry maids, house maids, lady’s maid, parlour maids- What we’re saying, is that it’s good to be a maid.

SC276: And we have seen evidence that this occurs where now?



by giving up some of their freedom and making themselves beholden to wealthy masters, they too, enjoyed a level of sustenance, shelter, and security that would otherwise be outside of their reach.



Then, it dawned upon him.



JofY: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW SECENYA!



Mousy was not the sort who would be happy in servitude, at least, that was Rye’s well reasoned guess, so she had turned to less than legal activities as a means to provide for her own needs.



SC276: Like riffing terrible fanfiction.



For Mousy, marriage must have been preferable to outright servitude, a means to an end.



SC276: So she agreed to marry a drunk moron for her own future well-being… after leaving being a petty thief behind to join a pirate crew. Seems a bit of an unnecessary step, given Woe is in much the same boat, if even lower with a missing eye, and she’s gotten more character development even outside our actual development.



As for Rye himself, he had picked up a gun, he had armed himself. He now had the means to provide for his own sustenance, shelter, and security. Rye was never going back to servitude;



JofY: Damn it! I just accepted the fact that he was!



while there was happiness in having your needs provided for, there could be happiness in slavery, Rye would never go back.



JofY: Hey, black people in the 1800’s, what do you think?



Giving up his own personal liberty was not something that Rye had any desire to do.



SC276: And yet his narrative is an entangling prison.



“You have become quiet and thoughtful, my little pony,”



JofY: *punches someone*

SC276: Ow. Next time, aim for the pillow with the plant painted on it. ...I don’t know what the author looks like.

JofY: Sorry, I need to hurt an actual being whenever I read it.



Princess Celestia said to Rye.



Hearing Princess Celestia, Rye Mash had started to reply, his mouth opened, but no words came out. He wasn’t feeling very good, he was still hungover, and his mind was racing with all manner of profound thoughts.



“I wanted to speak with you alone, Mister Mash, because you impressed me.



JofY: “Your dick, is in fact, the biggest across all the land.”

SC276: [Celestia] “Unfortunately for you, being a pirate, you spend most of your time above water.”



Most ponies would have surrendered their weapons and stood down. You remained defiant. Foolish, perhaps, reckless, perhaps,



SC276: [Celestia] “Stupid, definitely…”



but you stuck to your guns in the most literal sense.



JofY: “Honestly, I’m a bit worried where you got the glue.”



I wanted to get to know you better as a pony.



JofY: As a horse though...

SC276: [Celestia] “Because Me-knows knowing you as a character is futile.”



I must confess,



SC276: ~-I have saved for the last / for the ruler of this Christmasland...~



I still have some reservations about entrusting the safety and welfare of my student into your care.”



SC276: [Celestia] “I have seen what you do with your guns, and despite having seen everything for at least several hundred years, I am what is called ‘grossed the fuck out.’”



“I probably didn’t do a very good job of assuring you by going out and doing what I did,” Rye Mash replied, now feeling very self conscious about what he had done. “I am never drinking again, ever.”



SC276: Yeah, I doubt that.



“So many little ponies say that after a night of drinking and waking up with a new wife or husband.” Princess Celestia let out a weak chuckle.



JofY: So, Polygamy is legal?

SC276: No, that’s poly of me! ...Doesn’t work as well.



“I do believe that the world would end if alcohol ceased to flow.”



SC276: I WAS JOKING!



“No, I mean it, I’m never drinking again… I can accept the consequences of waking up married, I’ll live with that and I will make it right, but strong drink opens up too many opportunities for one to lose his liberty.”



JofY: Aww hell. Now Rye is going to show off his philosophy minor.

SC276: Plus, y’know, wide-open to a backstab.



Rye Mash flogged his brain for a metaphor, some clever means to drive his point home, and he chewed upon his lip as he tried to think.



SC276: But failed miserably.



“It pleases me to hear you say that.”



Ears perking, he looked at Princess Celestia, hearing her words. He gave a nod of acknowledgement, was distracted for a moment by the shrieking of seagulls, and then knew what he wanted to say, how he could express himself.



JofY: Celestia-senpai noticed him!



“Drinking like that is like giving over my guns… I can no longer be responsible for myself,



JofY: So, removing his weapons, is like getting drunk, which would mean that he would be in such a rage state that… Oww...



I cannot defend my own liberties, and surrendering my guns is something that I will never allow myself to do, ever. Imbibing strong drink undermines my self standards.”



SC276: You don’t have standards, crotch-shooter..



The pair walked in silence, Rye Mash trying to keep up with the much longer stride of the princess beside him.



SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!

JofY: ...You know, they’ve been walking this entire time. Where have they been walking?



He could hear her laboured breathing, it was clear that she was sick, something was wrong, but she struck him as being far too proud to acknowledge it or let it slow her down.



SC276: I’d say Inky got a curse on her somehow, but that’s giving plant-boy too much credit.



As he walked, he watched a group of unicorns scrubbing the deck along the rails where birds had been sitting.



The silence became stifling, Rye felt as though he should be saying something, that there should be conversation,



JofY: There just was!



that was why he was here after all, he had only been quiet so he could listen to whatever Princess Celestia had to say.



SC276: What, you can’t hear the run-on sentences chasing down their prey?



But now, the silence had the wrong feel to it, it felt as though something needed to be said, but he didn’t know what.



SC276: Didn’t we already go through this?



Princess Celestia was trying to learn more about him, what sort of pony he was, she was looking for reassurance that her student could be found and that her student would be safe.



SC276: I mean, she could just mind-control him. That’s a thing she does in this universe, I believe.



Rye Mash issued a challenge to his brain—try to find something reassuring to say to the alicorn princess beside him.



SC276: It failed miserably. Fail 3x combo!

JofY: “I hate sand!”



Something heartfelt, sincere, and meaningful.



SC276: Coming from Kudzu? Highly doubt it.



Whatever she was, an alicorn, a princess, she was also a mare, a pony. She had to have all of the same sorts of fear, worries, and doubt he did. Princess Celestia also needed sustenance, shelter, and security, or so Rye reasoned.



SC276: If you’re telling me she’s literally getting sick with worry, I’ll run you through. A cannonball run. You through.



As he thought about this, Princess Celestia fell to the deck with a thump beside him.



SC276: Fucking timing!



Rye cried out, startled, fearful, he stood wide eyed and staring at her fallen form.



JofY: Fallen, from her prime state, you might say.



Blood began to pool around her muzzle, gushing from both nostrils.



SC276: Well that’s definitely something that should happen at this point with no fucking warning!

JofY: Man, she got really horny.



Not even giving it a second thought, he lifted her head away from the deck, pulling back her hood, trying to keep the blood from staining her white pelt.



SC276: Her mane, however, could get all the blood it wanted.



There were black circles around her eyes, which were closed, and she did not look well.



SC276: Well she just fainted and is having the mother of all nosebleeds, of course she doesn’t fucking look well!

JofY: My god! We already knew this from before!



Lifting his head at the sound of approaching guards, Rye panicked. “I didn’t do anything!”



“We know,” a guard replied as he approached, “we were watching.



JofY: “Don’t worry, we’re the cause.”



Please, keep holding her head, if you don’t mind.”



JofY: Okay, while it is actually a bad idea to do this, there is a reasonable amount of people who don’t know this, so I’ll give this a pass.



The guard, a gruff looking pegasus, looked around. “Somepony go get some cloths. We’re going to need a few unicorns to carry her belowdecks!”

SC276: [guard] “I mean, one stout Earth pony could also do the job, but fuck them they’re useless.”



“What is wrong with her?” Rye asked as he continued to cradle Princess Celestia’s head in his telekinesis.



SC276: Well her nose is fucking bleeding, for one...



His eyes narrowed and his face became pinched with concern, it was strange watching an alicorn bleed, strange and more than a little frightening. She was the Goddess of the Sun, Immortal, Just, and True.



SC276: Because gods don’t bleed.



Watching blood as it gushed from her nostrils was terrifying.



JofY: It was like a hose watering a lawn of death.



What could do this to her?



SC276: If it actually is a curse, I so totally called it.



The guard’s expression soured. “She won’t tell us… she is far too proud. But something is working against her.” The guard’s scowl intensified. “Should you find the cause for her malady when you go hunting for her student, I hope that you will put lots of bullets into whomever or whatever is responsible for this.”



JofY: Yes, shoot the virus. Shoot, the virus. SHOOT! THE! VIRUS! Yes, I know that it’s going to be magical B.S., but do they? After all, Celestia isn’t being forthcoming with info, so for all they know, it could be a specific disease.



Rye nodded, “Oh, believe me, I shall…”



SC276: [Rye] “Followed by my dick in each hole!”



Author's Note:

Been at this chapter since early this morning.



JofY: But it’s 12:01 am!



It kept coming out all wrong.



SC276: If this is what you consider right, I’d hate to see the earlier drafts. Also, that’s probably because that shit is wrong.



I think I'm happy with this version. Princess Celestia kept sounding condescending and preachy in previous versions.



JofY: Now she just talks about how love is false and should be searched for only three times.

SC276: Instead, Rye sounds like that now. Good compromise.



Ugh, I've been at this since about 6 AM.





Chapter 29



There was no feeling worse than being in the dark about something that was going on.



JofY: Unfortunately, the switch was on the other side of the room and he didn’t feel like getting up to flip it.



Rye Mash hated it, he felt frustrated and angry as he stood upon the deck of The Apogee looking over at Princess Celestia’s ship. Unable to do anything, Rye stomped his hoof and as he did so, he heard the fluttering of wings, the sound of feathers cutting through wind.



“Mister Mash—”

SC276: ~Your heart’s an empty hole...~



Rye did not look at his captain, but remained focused on Princess Celestia’s ship.



SC276: Are you able to refer to the character as anything besides “Princess Celestia”?



“—I had a pegasus from the guard come over and tell me what happened.” Captain Spyglass folded his wings against his sides and moved beside Rye. “I was told that you acted like a perfect gentlepony, and that you impressed all of those who observed you.”



JofY: Guess who just earned themselves a trip to McDonalds!

SC276: [Spyglass] “Why he told me that before telling me about the princess collapsing with a horribly-bleeding nose is beyond me.”



“I wasn’t trying to impress anypony,” Rye replied.



SC276: You weren’t trying to shot that griffon captain’s groin off either. When are you going to accept that you do things by accident a lot?



Looking solemn, Spyglass cleared his throat. “Nevertheless, you did, and it means a great deal to me. Mister Mash, as ponies of fortune, we have little but our reputation. While I must confess that I was furious with you for not surrendering your guns, it seems that it has worked out for the best.



JofY: Okay, this dialogue is as wooden as in an RPG with ‘moral choices’.



Princess Celestia was impressed by your,” the pegasus’ face contorted as he thought about the right words to say, “display of defiance.”



SC276: [Celestia] “I don’t know why I’m intrigued by someone that didn’t fall under my mind-control like immediately.”



Captain Spyglass relaxed a bit, his ears splaying out sideways from his head. “We’ll be leaving soon, we have kindly been provided with a lead. We’ll be heading to Cheval Rouge, a city to the north of here in Fancy.”



SC276: I thought they were in Fancy already. The town they’re in is named after Port-Blanc, and that’s pretty far north as it is as France goes. The first result for “rouge france,” since “Cheval Rouge” is an abstract sculpture in Washington DC, on Google is Collonges-la-Rouge, which is further south.



“Good, I’d like to get started.” Rye’s brows furrowed and his forehead wrinkled.



“Mister Mash, this is going to be a bloody business…



JofY: “Seriously, the blood bank in town closed donations with how much they collected from Celestia’s nose.”



I’d like to keep as much of my crew out of it as possible—”

SC276: You attack slaving ships stocked with creatures that have talons. How is this going to be more bloody than that?



“I understand,” Rye said, cutting in and nodding his head.



One eye squinting, the other eye wide, Spyglass gave Rye a curious look.



JofY: I don’t think that’s a curious look.



He could sense the anger coming from his cabin colt, the frustration, the eagerness.



JofY: Anakin, no!

SC276: Anakin, yes!



Captain Spyglass came to the unsettling conclusion that Rye Mash wanted the bloody business to start…



JofY: He was not going to let that little girl bleed out on him!

SC276: What do you expect when his main talent is firearms?



Rye wanted to be in the middle of it. Rye was one of those sorts of ponies.



“She is a majestic creature, isn’t she?” Spyglass asked in a low voice.

SC276: Given we’ve had Rye give personalities to his guns, I’m not sure who exactly they’re talking about.



“Yes, she is,” Rye replied.



“I still don’t know how I feel about getting involved in this.” Captain Spyglass’ eyes glanced over at Princess Celestia’s airship.



SC276: [Spyglass] “I mean, it’s one thing attacking ships all by our lonesome, but getting the crown’s permission to improve the world? Awfully suspicious.”



Guards marched on the deck and the sound of ironshod hooves could be heard from where the pegasus stood on The Apogee.



“It feels like the right thing to do,” Rye said, his voice dropping, almost to a whisper.



JofY: Why is everyone so scared they’re being listened to?

SC276: Big Sister is watching.



“Speaking of the right thing to do…” Captain Spyglass’ words trailed off as he turned to look at Rye. “Are you going to do right by Miss Mousy?”



SC276: And now I’m thinking of Minnie Mouse, great job, story.



Rye’s ears fell, drooping against his cheeks. He turned to look at his captain. “She caught me fair and square.



JofY: ...Title drop?



I allowed myself to be caught.



JofY: Title drop.



I intend to do what is right.”



JofY: Run away.



“Good, I would be disappointed with you otherwise.” Captain Spyglass drew in a deep breath, his sides expanding, and his wings flapped once against his sides. “Several of my crew got married during shore leave.



JofY: You know, not every one night stand leads to pregnancy.

SC276: All marriages are a result of drunken one-night stands, all fillies expect to get it in the ass, all griffons are slavers… This is perhaps the most one-dimensional load of nothing I’ve ever seen.



They have all asked to be left here. I’ve taken on several new crew members… ah, Sable Blanc. The young and the hopeful come here, both fillies and colts, all of them looking for a ship to enter the harbour.



JofY: Ya gonna have children running the ship!?



For fillies of the right age, each ship brings a chance to marry, and for colts, a ship is a means of escape, a chance to see the world.



JofY: To wear a red shirt and be shot and forgotten before the episode ends.

SC276: And the fillies don’t want to escape because *Bobert commercial*



Much of my crew once boarded a ship in a harbour just like this one, and now that they have seen the world, they are ready to settle down. A young maid is happy to catch them.



JofY: [Rye] “What about the foa-”

[Spyglass] “Especially the foals!”



Such is the way of life. After settling down, the young couple has a few foals. Time passes. In time, there is a new filly waiting for ships on the horizon, bringing with them a chance for a husband, or a colt watching and waiting for a ship to take him away from this boring place, giving him a chance for adventure on the high sea or in the clouds.



JofY: And thus, the cycle runs-on.

SC276: It’s gotta break at some point. Eventually, someone’s gonna marry someone without being drunk first, and the whole system will collapse.



But the circle of life begins and ends in little towns like this one.”



SC276: Shut up, Mufasa.



Blinking, Rye took in his captain’s words.



“Mister Mash, I have lived long enough that I have seen this drama play out an endless number of times now.”



JofY: And none of them can act!

SC276: I can’t tell, did that guy die? It was kind of ambiguous.



Captain Spyglass sighed. “So many ponies walk in and out of my life. Crab Apple is leaving us, Mister Mash. He will be returning home upon one of Princess Celestia’s ships.”



“Why now, of all times?” Rye asked.



SC276: [Spyglass] “He realized that he contributed nothing to the plot and the author hates Earth ponies.”



“He has earned the wealth that he was looking for.



JofY: One penny.



With the pardon I secured for him from Princess Celestia, he feels it is time to get away from this life while he still can. I shall miss him a great deal, I liked him.”



JofY: He was named.



Captain Spyglass’ mane lifted in the strong breeze and his feathers ruffled. He breathed in the tangy, salty air, his nostrils flaring.



SC276: Dude, you fly over the ocean all the goddamn time. You can do that whenever.



“Captain Spyglass, if you will excuse me, I am going to go and speak with my wife.”



Belowdecks was a mess.



JofY: He just got sued by his best friend.

SC276: And then he went out drinking to forget and ended up getting hitched because the author has no idea what “variance” is.



The smell of wood was strong in the air, along with sawdust. It seemed that some carpentry was going on. A few strange unicorns that Rye didn’t know, along with a few minotaurs, were doing some woodworking. Rye could hear the sounds of sawing and of hammering, which filled his head with a throbbing ache.



JofY: Stop being useful! His poor mind can’t handle the stress!



It seemed the cabins were being rebuilt to be more efficient.



JofY: It would be able to be slept in with 30% more speed!

SC276: What, hammocks weren’t enough for you people? Particularly given I’ve seen where the plot’s going since the Spyglass conversation.



Looking around, he saw no sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet. Much to his surprise, Starjammer was working with the carpenters, Rye couldn’t believe that Starjammer would sully himself with common labour, yet the quiet stallion of few words was building a door frame.



JofY: But enough about wingmen.

SC276: When has Starjammer shown he avoids doing hard labor when he’s on a freakin’ pirate ship?



From somewhere out of line of sight, he could hear Oola singing something as she worked, some song about a hammer.



SC276: [Oola] ~Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine, calls her on the phone...~



The sawdust in the air made Rye feel like sneezing. He fled the area, turning tail, heading back up the stairs, and then emerged out upon the deck.



SC276: I don’t think the author knows how “belowdecks” works.



No sign of Mousy or Bloody Velvet anywhere. Or Woe Betide, now that he thought about it.



Frowning, Rye wondered if Bloody Velvet and Mousy were avoiding him. What if Mousy had herself a change of heart?



JofY: She finally found a donor?



What if she wanted out of this?



JofY: Que get out of story joke.

SC276: [Mousy] “We gotta find a way outta this fic!”

JofY: See?



Or what if Velvet was trying to get Mousy to reconsider? His head still hurt too much to think about this. He needed a quiet place, a dark place, a place with no sun, no sound, a peaceful place to rest his head, but no such place seemed to exist at the moment.



SC276: *aims a cannon at him* I can fix that!

JofY: I bet you don’t have the balls to launch it.

SC276: I’ll just use the rest of you for ammo.

JofY: ...Yeah. That ain’t gonna work.



Somepony was trying to put an end to the Alicorn of the Sun,



SC276: Who ruled the Kingdom of the Sun before it got reworked into Celestia’s New Groove...



which would no doubt plunge the world into darkness, his new wife and his friend seemed to be avoiding him, his head hurt, and he had no quiet place to retreat to.



JofY: And he couldn’t help himself from running on.



This was turning out to be a wretched day.



SC276: This was turning out to be a wretched fic. Like, more wretched than originally anticipated.



Rye closed his eyes and gritted his teeth together.



JofY: He’s going 90’s! Run!



Perhaps he could go into town, find a quiet cafe, and have a nice cup of tea.



SC276: Maybe get drunk and married to someone else.



Rye Mash gave a bleary stare up at the wooden sign.



JofY: [Sign] “If you are reading this, you’re driving too close.”



“Tarte et Café.” Rye had no clue what the words meant, but there was a picture of a pie and a cup on the sign. Lines had been carved into the wood over the pie and the cup, a visual representation of steam rising.



In front of the cafe, there was a unicorn painting on a battered looking easel, a large mug of some hot, steaming beverage beside him, along with a baguette, a wedge of cheese, and a bottle of wine, still corked.



JofY: He’s FRENCH!

SC276: And… apparently a painting?



The unicorn was painting a bowl of fruit, an act which baffled Rye Mash. Why would anypony paint a bowl of fruit?



JofY: Most ponies paint vegetables.



He did not understand art sometimes.

SC276: Given what we’ve been reading, neither does the author.



He pushed open the door and was hit by a rush of cool air. Inside the cafe, it was cool, delightfully so,



SC276: Apparently the French invented air conditioning.



it was dim, the air was fragrant with the smell of baked goods, tea, and coffee.



“Welcome to Monsieur Cake’s bakery, sailor,” an older mare behind the counter said. “I am Mademoiselle Petits Pains, but most of our customers call me Madam Buns, or just Buns.”



JofY: “(In a bad French accent) But you would k’new if you warnt such a filthy pig!”

SC276: Why would her customers, who presumably speak the language on the sign, not use part of her actual name?



The older mare smiled and gestured at the empty cafe. “Sit anywhere you like. You came in during an off hour. Most are busy working… we get most of our business during the lunch hour or during the evening, when a pony wishes to unwind.”



SC276: Trust me, it’s 2:30 pm right now, and I need to unwind seriously from going through this nonsense.



The cafe’s interior was almost all stone. Stone floor, stone walls, stone counters, all of it cool and inviting.



JofY: All in all, it was a good place to get stoned.

SC276: This is my brand of decor when I’m sucking at designing environments.



The tables appeared to be old barrels cut in half and set upon the floor.



JofY: Unfortunately, the wood was rotten on most of them.

SC276: Must not be a very prosperous café if it can’t afford actual tables.



There were no chairs, just worn out looking pillows and cushions left scattered around the half barrel tables.



JofY: In all honesty, they should have gone all the way with the stone motif.



The interior was dim, almost dark, and there was a peculiar stench in the air that made the back of the Rye’s throat tickle. He stood, sniffing, trying to figure out what the horrible smell was. It was like rancid milk left in the sun, but worse, far, far worse.



SC276: That’s the cue to go eat someplace else. This joint probably has rats or something.



“Smells marvellous, doesn’t it?” the old mare asked. She closed her eyes, inhaled, and then opened her eyes as her smile widened.



JofY: She just started the high.



“We make monster cheese…



JofY: I was joking!



there is a batch aging in the cellar… we take the finest goats, scare them with the finest monsters, and it produces a most merveilleux fromage.”



JofY: ...This is a place that serves goat piss?

SC276: What, no special unicorns to milk them with?



“Oh.” Rye stared at the mare, wondering if she was pulling his leg.



“My granpapa has experimented with using a cockatrice to stare at the cheese…



JofY: What the fuck am I on!?

SC276: Whatever it is, I want in.



it makes the cheese very hard, gives it a rock solid rind, but it also gives the cheese a most unusual but pleasant flavour.



JofY: Personally, I find it rather pissy.



It is rather nutty,” the chatty old mare said to Rye as the colt sat down upon a faded purple pillow with tassels on each of the four corners.



SC276: [Buns] “Now buy some, because that’s the only reason I’d talk about it besides pointless exposition the audience doesn’t care about.”



“I’d like a cup of tea, please. And maybe something to eat… I’m suffering from a hangover…



JofY: It has to have been hours! My god! How bad are your hangovers!?

SC276: Bad enough he got fucking married, apparently.



I don’t know what sounds good to eat right now.”



JofY: “Hell, I sorta want to eat a pigeon.”



Rye leaned against the half barrel table, his head aching, and his stomach turning from the stench creeping up out from the cellar.



SC276: If the smell is making you sick, the number one survival instinct is leave the room.



“Oui, Monsieur, I have what you need,” the mare replied, her smile vanishing as a look of genuine concern took over her features.



JofY: Realizing where she was.



Hooves clicking, the mare darted through a doorway and vanished, leaving Rye all alone.



Sighing, Rye decided that he liked the older unicorn mare.



SC276: Insert harem joke here.



He rested against his half barrel table, his forelegs folded over the heavy, well worn and well polished wood. He heard the clatter of metal coming from some back room, the sound caused his ears to twitch and made him grimace in pain.



JofY: This is why we think of him as a whimp.



But then the silence returned and Rye felt a little better.



SC276: Meanwhile, we feel worse.



He dug out his coin purse from a pouch on his body harness and set it out on the table.



SC276: It was immediately stolen. *pulls out a vacuum cleaner*

JofY: Oh, thank you. You have no idea how long that rug’s been dirty.



He belched, a sour taste flooding his mouth, and he shuddered as the foul smell of his own breath violated his nostrils.



SC276: You feel your sins crawling down your back.



The mare reappeared, bearing a tray.



JofY: And forced the tray down his mouth.



She hurried through the room, moving with care and near silence, her hoofsteps muffled against the stone floor.



SC276: What’s the rush? It’s not like you have other customers, though given the terrible lighting, they could just be lurking in the corners.



Standing by Rye’s table, she put down a large mug, a teapot, a small bowl of heavy cream, a jar of honey, a plate of some pastries, and a large wedge of pie.



SC276: That’s a lot of stuff for someone that hasn’t even paid yet.



The pie was strange and Rye stared at it.



SC276: Don’t do that, it’s rude.



“Quiche,” the mare said before Rye could speak. “A pie made from eggs, cheese, and vegetables. Today’s quiche has spinach, fennel, leeks, and eggplant. I assure you, it will make you feel better.”



SC276: Probably me too, but those last three things kill it for me.



There was a soft clunk of metal as the mare set down a spoon beside the slice of pie. “Bon appétit.”



SC276: Who eats pie with a freakin’ spoon?

JofY: Note: We here at F/F/T3k15 do not discriminate against others eating choices. If you do eat pie with a spoon, blame SC276 and not us. Thank you.



The mare bowed and then hurried away. Rye watched her go and heard her say, “Forgive me, but there are things in the oven that must come out… we are preparing for the rush of evening.”



SC276: What freakin’ time is it anyway?

JofY: I don’o clock.



Rye realised



SC276: British!



that the mare had not collected payment.



SC276: That’s because the only currently she accepts is souls.

JofY: Darn, I still haven’t gone back from children's hearts after my trip.



Bleary eyed, he blinked a few times, not knowing what to do, then, shrugging, he lifted up his spoon in his telekinesis, poked at his strange pie, and took a bite.



It was hot, but not too hot.



SC276: So, just right?



It was eggy, it was cheesy, it oozed with buttery flavour, and Rye found that he was, indeed, hungry. He tore into his slice of quiche with gusto, gobbling it down, forgetting all about his good manners.



SC276: Much like the author did by posting this travesty in the first place.



As he shoveled the last bite of quiche into his mouth, the door to the cafe opened.



JofY: “THIS IS THE POLICE! WE HEARD A REPORT ABOUT SOMEONE FORGETTING THEIR MANNERS!”



Rye lifted his head while smacking his lips and chewing. What he saw surprised him. He sat there, blinking, and his food almost fell out of his mouth.



Mousy and Bloody Velvet had entered.



SC276: Well that’s right convenient.



Something was different about Mousy and Velvet,



SC276: They had misplaced their pronouns somewhere.

JofY: They were dead.



but Rye could only stare at Mousy. She was shiny, sleek, her pelt was slick looking, her mane had been trimmed and so had her tail.



JofY: Someone abused her with glitter!



Rye’s spoon clattered to the table with a metallic thump of silver on wood.



SC276: Dude, she just took a bath or something.

JofY: ...That’s the oddest euphemism for an erection I’ve heard.



“And here he is… I told you I would find him,” Velvet said to Mousy.



SC276: [Velvet] “AND UNIT-MOUSEY DOUBTED THIS UNIT’S GPS FUNCTIONALITY.”



Smiling, Velvet gave Mousy a nudge, a wink, and a nod.



JofY: Is she a goer? You know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.



“I’m going to leave you two alone.” Velvet turned her head and looked at Rye, giving him a distasteful scowl.



JofY: ...Well, someone’s being rude.



“Rye, darling, close your mouth. It’s full of food.”



SC276: Oh shut up, ya bloody robot.



With that, Bloody Velvet backed out of the door and was gone, leaving Rye and Mousy alone in the cafe.



JofY: The waitress is making a break for it!



Mousy, looking shy, approached Rye’s table, her tail swishing from side to side as she moved, her eyes focused on Rye with a bashful stare.



“Velvet insisted that I get groomed… she said that every husband deserves to see his bride in a state of perfection at least once,” Mousy said as she sat down at the table with Rye.



SC276: [Mousy] “So she threw me in the ocean. Your ‘queen’ is freakin’ crazy.”



“Do you like what you see?”



JofY: Not particularly.



Nodding, Rye swallowed with a gulp and continued to stare. He was so focused on Mousy that he failed to notice the older mare creeping up on the table, silent, moving with a wide grin, until she set down a bit more food and a second mug.



JofY: Assassin!



He glanced at her, and once again, he forgot to bring up the matter of his bill to Madam Buns.



JofY: ...Your 10 year old wife is right there!



She was gone in the bat of an eyelash, vanishing back through the door and into the kitchen, leaving Rye and Mousy in awkward silence.



SC276: This is like that restaurant in Freefall with the French ninjas, only with poorer lighting.



Rye poured himself a cup of tea, almost spilling it, and then poured one for Mousy.



JofY: Thrilling!



Rye added cream and honey to both cups as he kept glancing up at Mousy. She looked radiant, that was the only word he could think of to describe her. She was happy, joyful, and scared.



SC276: Good to know fear is a critical component of radiance.



Looking at her, Rye could see it.



JofY: The bomb.



Seeing her fear made him feel better, he wasn’t the only one feeling some trepidation about all of this.



SC276: [Rye] “Your fear arouses me. Granted, so does everything else about you.”



“Rye, I have a confession, I almost ran away,” Mousy whispered as Rye stirred both teacups. “Velvet knew what I was thinking and she stopped me.



SC276: What, you couldn’t just have the marriage annulled? Honestly, given the way Celestia was talking about it, there’s probably not a whole lot of legal meaning to the term anyway.

JofY: If you get drunk, you get married. It’s law.



I’m sorry… I…”



Looking into Mousy’s eyes, he saw a lot more fear now and a lot less joy and happiness.



SC276: Fear levels are off the charts.



Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out.



JofY: Oh! Sorry, I accidently pressed mute.



Her ears were limp against her face. Her eyes began to glisten.



“They only tell you to catch a husband…



JofY: [Mousy] “But I’ve caught 7!”



find a worthwhile colt or a stallion and then finagle your way into marriage.”



SC276: “Wait until they’re drunk” is not “finagling” if it’s literally how every marriage starts.



Mousy shook her head as more words spilled out and she blinked away tears. “I’ll admit, about five minutes after I met you, I was plotting on how I would win you over or trick you into marriage…



JofY: *laughing* What age did she realize she need to do this?



you seemed a bit too clever and dangerous to con so I thought I would endear myself to you somehow.



SC276: And I suppose you went for him because Spyglass wasn’t available? Even though you had no evidence he was anything more than a cabin boy?

JofY: No, you see, he was wearing neon signs indicating that he was the protagonist, and their first meeting in slow-mo.



I didn’t expect for you to come to me and when you did, I told you no… I didn’t expect myself to do that, I found that I actually liked you and for a moment, I felt wrong about what I had wanted.”



JofY: Lazy retconning or subtle character development? You make the call!



Rye’s ears stood at attention while Mousy poured her heart to him.



SC276: *pours a tankard of orange juice* This is the only way I’m getting through this...



“A filly is told over and over about how to catch a colt or a stallion, but nopony ever told me what to do with one once I caught him,”



JofY: I wonder what those teaching moments were like… “Remember kids, when you meet someone of opposite gender, fling your genitals at them until they bend to your will.”



Mousy said in a low whisper as she tapped her front hooves together. “I got scared, Rye. I thought about running. I’m a grifter, Rye, and an earth pony. All I have is my wits.



SC276: [Mousy] “Also an innate connection to the land that lets me do amazing things with trial and error, but the author doesn’t know that.”

JofY: [Racist Moment: 3]



When trouble comes, all I can do is run and hope for the best.”



JofY: ~So I ran, I ran so far away.~



She turned away, her barrel rising and falling as she breathed. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be all weepy.” Mousy sniffled and stared down into her tea.



SC276: Don’t worry lady, it’s the author’s fault.



“As I recall, you were about to be married when we met.” Rye lifted a pastry off of the small plate beside his teacup. It had some kind of purple-red jelly, was flaky, and smelled sour.



JofY: No! Wait! You’ll have to marry it if you eat it out!



He stuffed it into his mouth and puckered up from the tart flavour of some kind of berries.



“Yes,” Mousy sighed, shaking her head, and her eyes narrowed. “He was awful, I couldn’t marry him, he got off on hurting fillies.



SC276: Is it the author? Well, he gets off on fucking fillies...



I heard stories… I’ve almost been married a few times now… I’m ashamed to admit.”



JofY: She’s like ten! How many pedofelias are there!?

SC276: Well it’s this universe, so basically half the male population. And that’s best-case.



“A few times?” Rye asked.



SC276: How many drunks does Trottingham have?



“I ain’t proud about it,” Mousy replied, “I did tell you I’m a grifter.”



“What happened?” Rye ate another tart and then slid a few over to Mousy.



SC276: Big paragraph ahoy. Literally the only good part about the fic is at least the paragraph structure is more-or-less correct.

JofY: Oh boy, sure glad I can read that and not have that fact told to me and trust it on blind faith.



“Well, during some particularly hard times, I might have led on a few well to do ponies enough to get some gifts along with talk of marriage. My former accomplices and I might have concocted a few clever ruses to make a few wealthy marks believe I was something that I was not…



SC276: “Your dowry! It’s my right!”



one suitor believed I was the unfortunate earth pony daughter of a wealthy unicorn diplomat, who would be very, very grateful if somepony took pity on his poor, unfortunate daughter that had been born an earth pony and married her.



JofY: With this statement, it almost sounds like being born without wings or a horn is a genetic defect.

JofY: I already added one for this ‘woe is me’ conversation, and it needs to be both explicit racism and a change needs to happen in the conversation to count.



As it turns out, my so called ‘father’ was my accomplice and my former boss, a unicorn named Fortunato. The pony that wanted to marry me showered me and Fortunato with gifts.”



“So what happened? How did this end?” Rye, curious, took a sip of tea and waited for Mousy to tell him.



SC276: ~Then next to the graveyard by the old oak tree / on a dark foggy night at a quarter to three / she was ready to go, but where was he...?~



“The mark had a friend that got worried and did a little investigating at the embassy. Fortunato and I were hunted. I got out of the city, Liverypool,



JofY: Boooooo.



and from what I hear, they sealed Fortunato up inside of a wall, bricking him in,”



JofY: Oh no! He could just walk away… Since it’s just one wall. Or is he actually the wall?



Mousy paused and looked Rye in the eye, “what a horrible way to go.”



SC276: Bricking him- wait... *Googles*...Fortunato is the name of the guy the protagonist of The Cask of Amontillado walls in. Author, if you’re trying to hide your sources, don’t reference Edgar Allen freakin’ Poe.



“But you got away—”



“Fortunato made certain that I got away. He gave me money and got me out of the city… he was good to me… he was into stallions and I felt safe with him…



SC276: I don’t know why this author insists on creating a dark world where a young girl has to be with a gay to feel safe.

JofY: Maybe he thinks gays are flamboyant?



he never tried to do anything awful to me and we did a lot of father-daughter scams. I was his meal ticket and he was my protection.”



JofY: Okay, where’s the shelter?



Mousy’s eyes became glassy with tears that she blinked away.



JofY: Her tears are made out of molten sand?



“It’s hard being an earth pony and it’s even harder being a female. Life doesn’t give you a lot of options,



SC276: [Mousy] “...especially when the author can’t remember what Earth ponies can actually do...”



the big cities are horrible places… I didn’t want to be a harlot, a warm inviting hole ready at a moment’s notice.



SC276: I’d ask if she was talking about when she grew up, but then I remember it’s this dumbfuck author.



I tried being honest and pulling a cab for a while, but that was dangerous…



JofY: She started smoking when she was 3.



I had passengers that wanted me to take them to less than desireable places and I knew what would happen to me if I took them there… it just isn’t safe for a female to be pulling a cab.”



JofY: When did you get a driver's license? When were cars made!?



Scowling, Rye nodded. It wasn’t safe to be a servant either, he recalled the many times he had warned a filly or a young mare fresh to the job not to be alone in a room where certain colts or stallions might prey upon them.



JofY: Wasn’t like a chapter/half a chapter ago, he was saying how safe slavery was!?



He also recalled the pained looks upon the faces of the fillies and young mares that had not listened to what he had to say.



JofY: Or were those the ones that were listening to them?...



The broken, defeated, pained looks… even worse, many of those fillies and young mares kept working after the fact, needing the job, and having no other recourse.



SC276: Also, you got beat up when the son was bad as if that was supposed to be punishment for him.



Tilting his head, Rye watched as Mousy lowered herself down and began lapping up tea from out of her cup.



JofY: Who’s a good bitch? Who’s a good bitch? You are. Yes, you are.



He saw her orange tongue flicking out from between her lips,



SC276: why is her tongue orange that is not normal tongue color

JofY: I believe it’s an animation error.



and then, her mouth puckering, she placed her lips down into her tea so she could slurp some up. He saw her eyes darting upwards, looking at him, and he could see her shy, bashful expression. She looked ashamed.



SC276: For what, drinking tea?



It was hard to tell if he was being conned and Rye wished that Velvet was here.



JofY: Clearly the crazy violent pony is what is needed.



He supposed it was in Mousy’s better interests to be honest with him.



SC276: Best interests. It’s called “best interests,” plant-boy.



Velvet had no doubt had a few choice words with Mousy, or so Rye guessed. From the kitchen, there was a soft clatter, which caused Rye and Mousy’s ears to twitch.



SC276: Obviously an important detail!



“I’ve done some bad things but I’m not a bad pony,”



JofY: You and Walter White.



Mousy whispered as she lifted her head and tea dribbled down her chin. “I can be good to you if you give me a chance.



SC276: Pretty sure he was looking for you, sister.

JofY: That word choice doesn’t help your statement.



I can be a better pony if you give me a chance. Bloody Velvet… she… she—”



“She what?” Rye asked as Mousy gave him a fearful look.



“She said that if I did you wrong that she…



JofY: [Mousy] “She gave me a purple nurple.”



well, never mind what she said.” Mousy shivered, her teeth clattering together, and she looked at Rye. “I suppose they call her Bloody Velvet for a reason.”



SC276: [Velvet] “HAVING DISCOVERED THAT FLESH-UNICORNS CAN BE REPROGRAMMED AS THIS UNIT CAN, THIS UNIT IS SEEKING TEST SUBJECTS FOR EXPERIMENTS REGARDING SAID REPROGRAMMING. FAILURE TO PLEASE UNIT-RYE WILL RESULT IN UNIT-MOUSY BEING PERMANENTLY LISTED AS A TEST SUBJECT.”



“So… partners then? You watch my back, I’ll watch yours, and while we might have some… questionable dealings with others, we remain honest and true to each other?”



SC276: Given plant-boy insists on Earth ponies being useless, she’s pretty much going to be the load for the rest of the story.

JofY: Yaaaaay.



Rye Mash gazed into Mousy’s eyes and felt his heart quicken.



JofY: His heart started taxes early this year.



She was pretty, he could not deny that.



“I can do that,” Mousy replied as she batted her eyelashes at Rye.



Rye Mash, who was feeling a little better now, found himself entranced with Mousy. “I’m looking forward to our mutually beneficial partnership…”



SC276: This is like noticing you burnt the steak, so you turn the heat down most of the way, but not turning it off so it’s still slow-cooking.



Author's Note:

My French is terrible, please, feel free to correct me if needed.



SC276: Pretty sure you’d just say I’m wrong and your story is flawless.





Chapter 30



“You wanted to see me?” Rye Mash looked at the stricken alicorn laying in her bed.



SC276: Because it’s not like she fell ill the last time they talked to each other.



Her body twitched, she shivered, and her eyes were unfocused.



JofY: [Rye] “You wanted to speak with me?”

[Celstia] *Unconscious twitching*

[Rye] “Uck! How could you!? You sicken me!”



He felt a growing feeling of concern and unease when he looked upon Princess Celestia.



He had returned to The Apogee with Mousy when he had been approached by one of Princess Celestia’s guards, telling him that he was wanted.



SC276:This guy is just bouncing between events like a freakin’ pinball. Everyone’s coming to see him.



Rye had come at once, worried, and Mousy had come with him, insisting on remaining by his side.



Princess Celestia’s laboured breathing was heavy in his ears and her eyes seemed to be staring through him. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, as if she was being consumed by some terrible fever. She was sweaty, the parts of her not covered by her blanket were slick and shiny.



JofY: Ewww...



“Stella… old tongue… it means star,”



SC276: Stella!



Princess Celestia managed to say in between panting gasps. “The stars... will aid... in her escape… star magic… is rare… and powerful… you must hurry.”



Rye’s ears perked forwards, he did not understand.



JofY: That powerful magic is in play and can be used to your advantage. Pay attention!



He lowered his head and he heard the clank of armor as a guard shifted position.



JofY: Wait a second… That’s not shift… IT’S CAPS LOCK! RUN!



When he was almost nose to nose with Princess Celestia, he realised that he could smell the sickness, that smell that ponies got from sweat, illness, high fever, and something going wrong with their insides.



JofY: Rye finally realized the benefits of him getting that medical degree.



A chilly ache permeated his guts and terminated in his balls with a stabbing throb, making the entirety of his nether regions clench.



JofY: ...Is he getting off on this!?



“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” Rye said in a soft voice.



SC276: That would be because it was ambiguous as fuck.

JofY: Please try again, after the tone.



“The world… will be… lost… to darkness.”



JofY: Damn it, Darkness! Did you lose the world, again?



Princess Celestia’s halting, stammering speech came out as little more than a fevered, almost delirious sounding whisper. “Great evil… locked away… but the stars… the stars… are hers... I cannot… control them… any longer… something else… seeks… to… free… her.”



SC276: ...Well guess you’re feeling silly now for ignoring the suggestions of an assassination attempt, now aren’t you?



“Who?” Rye asked. He blinked. “I don’t understand… free what?”



“Darkness,” Princess Celestia replied, exhaling the word in a breathy utterance.



Confused, Rye stood there, not knowing what to do, what to say, or even how to respond.



JofY: He didn’t know what words are.



Princess Celestia was no doubt consumed by fever, he could see it, smell it, he could feel it radiating from her, it was like standing next to a furnace.



JofY: Cooking a fine stew.



She wasn’t making a lot of sense.



SC276: The rest of the fic is already doing that.



“You… have to… hurry, Rye,” Princess Celestia whispered.



JofY: Yeah, it’s been like a week since you first got the mission. Do something already!



Drawing in a deep breath, flogging his brain for what to say or do, Rye was about to say something when Princess Celestia’s horn flashed.



SC276: Lady, I don’t think you’re in any condition to be using magic.



The room was filled with brilliant light, leaving Rye blinded.



JofY: ~~Blinded by the light!~~



He blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he had the strangest sensation that he was falling.



SC276: Headfirst into a rock.



Shivering, Rye found himself standing in a forest.



JofY: ...Celestia's a dick!



It was dark, it was cold, and he had no idea what he was doing here.



JofY: Perhaps there should have been an actual transition.



The sky overhead was black, black as pitch, and there were no stars.



JofY: Is it as black as a sound, or as black as someone throwing a baseball?



A strange silverish light offered faint illumination, but Rye could not tell where the light was coming from. His body harness was gone, he had no guns, no means to defend himself.



JofY: Too bad he ain’t the species that can fight without any special machinery.

SC276: Or magic.



The trees were enormous, massive, and twisted. This forest was old, Rye could smell the scent of decaying wood and the sharp tang of forest loam beneath his hooves.



SC276: Maybe someone just needs to tell the author what semicolons are.



Fungal growths protruded from the trunks of the trees, extending like empty shelves.



SC276: That’s usually a sign they should’ve fallen over by now.



Rye looked around, trying to figure out where the faint silver light was coming from. There were no stars, there was no moon, the sky was as black as a funeral shroud.



JofY: Really? I mean it’s not like you said so ~7 sentences ago.



The trees had no leaves, they were withered, naked, the skeletal trees of autumn.



“Who dares to enter my realm?”



JofY: “How many times do I have to tell you people, I don’t need to find god, I am him!”

SC276: [Rye] “Um, pizza?”



The voice was cold, imperious, and regal.



SC276: Is Nightmare Moon actually involved now? I seriously doubt there’s anyone else that fits that criteria unless it’s another crap OC.



Hearing it made Rye shiver even harder. The voice echoed through the trees and the only other sound that Rye could hear was the sound of his own teeth chattering.



JofY: Then someone needs to fire the sound engineer.



His eyes darted to the left, then to the right, and his ears perked as he tried to discover the source of the sound.



JofY: His face had no idea what it’s motivation was.



“You do not have the magic to come here on your own… who might you be and why are you here?”



SC276: he was actually teleported by a sick alicorn who can’t even string sentences together are you freakin’ kidding me

JofY: [Celestia] “Aww… Did I accidentally send another pony to the dark death dimension? Great, now I need to find someone else to rescue my student.”



Muscles clenching, Rye Mash ground his teeth together, refusing to let them chatter for a second longer.



JofY: Because that kind of thing is a voluntary reaction.



He swallowed, summoning his courage,



JofY: Unfortunately, he selected the Knights of the Round and had to wait five minutes for it to be over.



but on the inside, he quailed as he felt his bowels turning to water.



JofY: ...Why?



Something about the voice was terrifying.



SC276: You mean besides coming from this story?

JofY: What? SC276, text can’t talk.

SC276: ...Wait, really?

JofY: Yeah. What? Did you forget we read words?

SC276: What, you’re not hearing it?



He started forwards, towards what he believed was the sound of the voice.



SC276: You’re going towards the scary thing without your security guns? Gheeze, no one in this universe has survival instinct.



His legs were stiff, difficult to move, and not from defiance.



SC276: They were from Pakistan.



His whole body felt frozen, not just from the temperature, but from sheer terror. It felt as though his balls were being crushed in an icy vice.



JofY: ~~Let it go! Let it g- *gets knocked unconscious*



His guts ached as his innards twisted around inside of him like writhing serpents.



SC276: Dude, if you’re gonna throw up, do it offscreen.



Ahead there was a pool of water that glowed with a silvery blue light.



JofY: Woo! Spring break!



He felt something grab him, something unseen, and he was dragged forwards, his hooves dragging through the rotting loam.



JofY: It was so evil, that it was dead.



He came to a halt at the edge of the pool, something grabbed his head, and he was forced to look down into the depths.



SC276: Author, you’re showing he’s just being puppeteered into the plot a little too literally now.



The water darkened, turning black, like spilled ink.



JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “Want to meet my pet octopus?”



Something swirled in the depths and then, blinking, two eyes appeared in the maelstrom of darkness. Two eyes, dark teal, with reptilian slitted pupils.



SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “IT’S NIGHTMARE MOON! EVERYPONY, RUN!”

JofY: oh my gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.



Black tendrils rose from the surface of the water, creeping towards Rye’s face. He tried to scream, but found he couldn’t.



One of the black tendrils curled around Rye’s muzzle, holding his head in place, while yet another began to worm its way into his nostril.



SC276: Well that’s one way to do tentacle rape...



The tip of another began to work its way into the corner of his eye,



JofY: I’m just going to take the interpretation that Nightmare Moon is honestly just trying to get off with Mash, but she just has no idea what she’s doing.



trying to squeeze in, and even though Rye Mash very much wanted to scream, he found that he could not, even when he could feel something slithering behind his eyeball and burrowing into his brain.



SC276: OK uh, I’m gonna just go watch Happy Tree Friends for a while; it’s less disturbing than this.

JofY: [Nightmare Moon] “*reading a book* ...So now I’m supposed to shove as many as I can into… the front lower hole?... Okay!”



There was a brilliant red flash that blinded Rye, he blinked, trying to recover his vision, and he crumpled into a heap beside the pool of darkness.



SC276: His numerous run-on sentences were finally catching up with him.



Whatever was trying to worm its way inside of his skull was now gone, but he couldn’t see what was going on.



“Don’t you touch him!”



JofY: [???] “Putting him a latex suit is clearly more erotic!”

[Mash] “Oh, come on.”

[??? + Nightmare] “We’re trying!”



Still blinking, still trying to clear his vision, Rye recognised the sound of Bloody Velvet’s voice. Somehow, she was here, and she meant business.



SC276: Oh, they’re in one of those astral projection things that she was mentioned to be capable of doing forever ago but didn’t show until now. Also, [Velvet] “UPLINK COMPLETE.”



He didn’t know what was going on, but he felt hopeful.



SC276: You are filled with deter- *slaps self* Huh, my body refuses to associate any positive aspects of Undertale with this story on reflex. Whatta ya know.

JofY: Honestly, I would have hurt you for the overused reference.



“I don’t know who or what you are,



SC276: [Velvet] “FACIAL ANALYSIS RESULTS: NO MATCHES.”



but you’ve made a terrible mistake…



JofY: [Velvet] “The arms aren’t correctly bound, the positioning is not humiliating...”



I’ll end you for this!” Bloody Velvet shrieked.



SC276: Yeah, have fun killing Nightmare Moon like three hundred years or something before she returns and gets rainbow’d.



A blast of heat washed over Rye, driving the cold from his body, and now he felt a bit singed.



JofY: [Mash] “~~Hello, my baby! Hello, my darling! Hello, my ragtime gal.~~”



The explosion did nothing to help his vision. He was blind, but he could hear.



SC276: Because the author is too lazy to write a proper battle scene.



He heard fizzles, pops, the sounds of magic, and heard the sounds of water splashing.



JofY: Rice Krispies!



He felt a curious sensation in his navel, as though something was tugging on him from the inside.



JofY: He’s preggers.



It was a bit uncomfortable at first, then it became a little painful, and then, without further ado, it became excruciating—Rye feared that he was about to be turned inside out.



SC276: OK, whoever managed to fire an agony beam into the fic from here, raise your hand now and I might not knock you out and steal it for personal use.

JofY: You do realize I’m going to have to dismantle it, right?



He tried to cry out in pain and couldn’t. He rolled over onto his back and felt something slither around his leg.



JofY: Nightmare Moon just apparently doesn’t care what Velvet has to say.



Something was dragging him, he was being pulled down the slope and he realised he was being pulled into the pool of darkness.



SC276: Gheeze, Nightmare Moon wants the D bad.



“NO!” Bloody Velvet commanded, her voice accompanied by a searing blast of heat.



Rye felt himself let go.



JofY: He gained 20 pounds in, like a week.



Confused, still blinded, he didn’t know what to do,



SC276: Well you should clearly continue being present, since that’s the only way the plot insists on happening.



but he tried crawling away from the pool before he was grabbed again. The tugging sensation inside of his navel grew in strength and Rye Mash endured the peculiar sensation that he imagined felt a lot like birth;



JofY: Oooh! One more fetish and I get bingo!



he could feel his body being pulled through a hole that seemed far too small.



SC276: No, that’s apparition.

JofY: Push!



Princess Celestia’s pale magenta eyes were boring a hole into him and Rye Mash found that he could not turn away. He was mesmerised, unable to move, scarcely even able to breathe, and his nose was pressed up against the alicorn’s graceful, but sweaty snoot.



SC276: Well if that thing from earlier wasn’t mind rape...



“Cerise Velvet… has… grown… powerful... she might… even be… the one… to restore… magic.” Princess Celestia’s panted words were hot and wet against Rye’s muzzle. “So… much… power… and… love… for… her… friends… she… might… be… the… one.”



SC276: No, author, the Matrix doesn’t explain any of this shit.

JofY: You’re doing the William Shatner impression wrong. It’s supposed to be pause, speak quickly, pause. Not, pause, pause, pause.



Whatever was holding Rye let go of him and he lifted his head, Princess Celestia’s eyes followed him, remaining locked upon him.



SC276: [Celestia] “What did you do with the key, kid…?!”



Try as he might, he found he could not look away from her gaze, but he did manage to take a step backwards.



JofY: Quick! Strafe!



Rye Mash, Rye Mash



SC276: ~-baker’s man, bake me a cake as fast as you can...~



blinked as he heard Princess Celestia’s voice inside of his head, coming from in between his ears.



JofY: It must have gone through his ears like most sounds do!



You must hurry. Find Stella before it is too late.



SC276: Now for the game we call “Did Ring forget to check the formatting or was the author just that stupid?” ...Aaaaand it’s Ring messing up. All these inner thoughts are supposed to be in italics. Also Ring left out the horizontal line rules.

JofY: Point goes to Kudzu.



I was right to trust in both you and Velvet. Go and speak to her, she will know more of what to do.



SC276: Go speak to this NPC to finish this quest objective.



Trust in your friends, Rye… friendship is a magic all its own…



SC276: And yet every single marriage in the world requires the guy getting drunk first.

JofY: ...If you think about it, does that just mean that Candace is the princess of getting drunk?



it might be our last defense against what is surely coming.



SC276: Well we haven’t hit the stupidity saturation point yet, I don’t think. I don’t think even our own friendly neighborhood robot is going to help with that.



With a gasp, Princess Celestia’s eyes rolled up into her head and she went still, her breathing becoming shallow. Rye stood there, silent, now free of whatever enchantment that had held him.



JofY: *pulls out a Scroll of Examination* ...A +5 to quickness apparently.



He was able to look around, and he saw Mousy staring at him, a fearful look upon her face.



JofY: She gained new fetishes that day.



Lowering his head, Rye Mash pressed his muzzle against Princess Celestia’s, a gesture of affection, hoping to get some response out of her.



JofY: [Mousy] “You slut!”



There was none. She lay there, limp, unresponsive, and Rye felt hot tears lurking in the corners of his eyes seeing her in this state.



SC276: She’s not dead, you idiot. She and Luna still have to do that brainwash thing in the future that Ring keeps telling me about.



After a moment, he pulled himself away, turned to look at Mousy, and then said, “I think I need to go and talk to Bloody Velvet.”



“Rye, are you okay?” As Bloody Velvet spoke, Rye felt himself snatched in powerful magic and jerked forwards.



SC276: Gheeze, lady, let him walk!

JofY: [Rye] “Don’t bind me!”



Bloody Velvet was shaking far worse than usual, and as he found himself being examined.



SC276: [Velvet] “RUNNING EXTERNAL DIAGNOSTICS....”



She looked into his eyes, gazed at his nose, checked his ears, and then rubbed her quivering, palsy afflicted cheek against his.



JofY: She’s paralyzed!?



“I’m fine,” Rye replied, “mind telling me what that was?”



SC276: [Velvet] “THAT WAS A SIMPLE TRACTOR BEAM SPELL-FUNCTION.”



“I’m not sure, it was like the astral realm but different.



SC276: [Velvet] “OH, UNIT-RYE WAS REFERRING TO THE DEAD FOREST LOCATION. UNIT-RYE SHOULD BE MORE SPECIFIC IN FUTURE INQUIRIES.”



I don’t know what that was.



JofY: “However, I did find some nice padding to keep warm at night.”



I just had the feeling that you were in danger and somehow, I knew where you were…



JofY: I think it’s called: B.S.



what were you doing there? How did you end up in that place?”



SC276: Best I can tell, Celestia tried to kill him by throwing him to Nightmare Moon. I fully endorse this plan.



Bloody Velvet stepped back from Rye and continued to examine him, looking him over, her face fearful. “Injuries in the astral realm can be so real inside the mind that they can pass over into this world.



JofY: It’s not like the body is a series of chemical reactions that would deny such a thing.



Are you okay?”



“I’m fine, really.” Rye took a deep breath. “I think Princess Celestia sent me there, I’m not sure what happened.



JofY: The fic has had so little action of late, that even the main character doesn’t know what it is!



She said some strange stuff and I don’t know what is going on.



SC276: What else is new?



I’m not a very magical unicorn and I don’t know anything about this sort of stuff. What was that black thing anyhow?”



JofY: Well, when a monster loves a human very much...



“I don’t know.” Bloody Velvet’s eyes narrowed and she shook her head. “I’ve never seen anything like it.



SC276: Are we at the point that the existence of Celestia’s sister became a myth everyone forgot? I forgot what the status of that was at the beginning of the series.



It’s strong, whatever it is, might even be stronger than I am… if we have to fight it again, we’re in trouble… I was only able to hurt it because I was so angry…



JofY: You and every other Sayan.

SC276: [Velvet] “UNIT-WOE INSTALLED GAMMA-HULK POWER MODULES INTO MY EMOTIONAL UNIT THE OTHER DAY.”



it was hurting you, Rye… I could see those… black… things digging their way into your head.”



SC276: And finding absolutely nothing.

JofY: “I just don’t get how that’s erotic!”



“Velvet, we need to hurry. She’s real sick. Something is horribly wrong.



JofY: Naw. Really?

SC276: Well let’s start with the fact no marriage in known history has had a sober groom...



Something is trying to escape or something, the ciphers I’ve cracked even said something to that effect. They foalnapped Stella because of her star magic.



SC276: I forgot if Celestia mentioned her student had a special brand of magic at the original meeting. If she didn’t, why didn’t she state the main reason the girl is a macguffin?

JofY: It’s an objective, of course it’s a macguffin. What? Do you also need to know the fact that student has the ability to breathe?



Do you think it was whatever was in that pool?”



JofY: Yes, it was liquified Stella.



“Might be, I don’t know. I don’t know enough about this sort of thing, but I know a pony who might. We need to make Starjammer talk somehow. He knows stuff.



SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT PERFORMED A SURFACE SCAN OF HIS BRAIN AND IS 99.9% CERTAIN UNIT-STARJAMMER HAS KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECT.”

JofY: “He knows what numbers are! Clearly he knows everything!”



He’s scary smart and somehow, he knows stuff.”



SC276: Even the author can’t bother to come up with an excuse.



Bloody Velvet took a deep breath and began to try and calm down.



In the distance, the sun was setting, appearing to sink down into the ocean.



SC276: This time it actually was, given the princess is unconscious.



The first stars of evening began to twinkle.



JofY: Actually, those are just airplanes.



The wind kicked up and The Apogee bobbed in its mooring.



SC276: Why is the airship actually on the water again? Did the author forget they’re sky pirates?



The three ponies standing upon the deck exchanged a three way glance and then all three of them looked over at Princess Celestia’s ship.



“How do I fight something like that… thing?” Rye asked.



SC276: Well for starters, you’re going to need a cannon- oh you’re not talking about the thing you’re looking at?



“You can’t, Rye, you can’t.” Bloody Velvet shook her head. “You’re too weak. It will devour you.



SC276: Then why is the author still here?



I’m not sure if I could face it again, but I might have a better chance if Starjammer joined me. He’s strong, but he’s not experienced in astral projection.” The mare stood there, trembling, her Shivers causing her whole body to jerk and twitch.



SC276: Yeah, that’s kinda the whole thing that they do, is this ever going to be explained without reading the two-million-word sequel?



“Princess Celestia has some nerve doing what she did just to test us.”



SC276: [Celestia] “It’s called ‘mind control,’ sister. You act like this is a new thing.”

JofY: Yeah, blame the sick being that’s half-conscious.



“This is bigger than us, Velvet,” Mousy said, finally getting up enough nerve to interject something into the conversation. “Better we get tested now and survive than later when the danger is greater and fail.”



JofY: Tested? Tested for what? An STD?



Bloody Velvet’s ears perked forwards and she studied the earth pony that stood beside Rye. “You keep surprising me, Mousy.



JofY: ...Eh… Not explicit enough to be racist.



You keep this up, and I might find myself liking you.”



SC276: See it’s funny because Earth ponies are literally worth dirt in this setting-



Bloody Velvet gave Mousy a nervous smile. “I’m going to go and talk with Captain Spyglass. Something tells me that we need to leave in a hurry.



SC276: And yet you didn’t do this earlier?



Rye, don’t go wandering off, you and I need to have a long talk with Starjammer so we can sort all of this out.”



SC276: You’re going to need more than one talk to sort out this nonsense.



Author's Note:

You have questions? I may or may not have answers!



SC276: Given you gave away the main ship of the story in the comments leagues before you took a break, I’m pretty sure you have answers to questions that don’t exist.





Chapter 31



Shivering, Rye Mash opened his eyes.



JofY: Oh god! It’s everywhere! Why did he cut open his eyes!?!



He had been dreaming, but he could not remember what he had been dreaming about.



SC276: That’s kinda how it usually works, buddy.



He was cold, the air was chilly and he was sweating. He was in the top half of the bed, curled up, and Mousy was down at the foot of the bed, also curled up.



JofY: You had your ‘wife’ sleep on the floor?

SC276: You think they would’ve figured out the “adjacent” part by now...



She had stolen the blanket at some point in the night, made a nest, and was now asleep on top of it.



JofY: Keeping her eggs very warm.



For a moment, Rye Mash thought about cuddling up next to her so he could get warm. She was his wife now, it was supposed to be okay to do that sort of thing, but he didn’t feel comfortable about it for some reason.

SC276: Yeah, and that reason is “it’s freakin’ bullshit.”



His new cabin was smaller, narrower, a space made just for him and Mousy.



SC276: Getting a roommate requires a cabin with less space?



The interiour of The Apogee had been changed a fair bit to make it a bit more efficient as a living space.



JofY: You could live in it with 27% more accuracy!



There was a folding table on the wall, the bed, and one comfortable chair in the corner.



JofY: The other chairs were made out of spikes.



The room smelled of fresh cut wood, glue, and of Mousy’s perfume.



SC276: Since when has she had perfume?



Haunted by the eyes he had seen in the pool, Rye got out of bed, being careful not to disturb or wake Mousy from her sleep. He slipped away, making as little sound as possible, opened the door, stepped outside into the hallway, and decided that he needed some fresh night air.



JofY: Unfortunately the local high school band was saying in the ship that night and left their instruments in the hallway.

SC276: You decided you needed air after getting up and wandering.



Emerging up on deck, Rye Mash saw that he wasn’t alone.



JofY: God was with him.

SC276: Please, if God was watching, there’d be a lot more lightning.



Starjammer was sitting in the prow of the ship, staring off towards the starry horizon, the wind blowing his long, perfect mane around his face.



SC276: If the narration is turning into Cecil, I’m leaving.

JofY: But Starjammer isn’t a hot scientist.



Sniffing, Rye could smell whiskey, the strong heady scent of whiskey,



SC276: Stop repeating yourself!



and he felt his stomach turn just a little bit.



With the soft thump of his hooves striking the wooden deck, Rye walked forwards, glad to have somepony else awake at this time of night.



SC276: [Rye] “Makes surprise buttsex much easier!”



He felt apprehensive, nervous, he did not know why. He wondered why Starjammer was drinking. Was it thirst? Was he drowning his sorrows? What was he sad about? Had Celestia said something?



JofY: [Narration] “Was he drunk with Celestia? Did he sleep with Celestia? Is he married to Celestia?”

[Rye] “WHAT DID YOU DO TO CELESTIA!?”

[Starjammer] “*drops water* Huh?”



Rye even wondered if Starjammer was pining for him for whatever reason.



SC276: More likely, he’s pining for the fjords.



He felt very, very confused. Starjammer was more than a friend now, just like Mousy was more than an acquaintance.



JofY: They were BESTIES!!!

SC276: *house explodes into flames*



He and Starjammer had done a bit more than just share a confusing kiss. Rye did not know what was expected from him.



JofY: Even if he did expect the Spanish Inquisition.



He did not understand how their relationship had changed after what had happened.



JofY: He didn’t want to mess up the social link he had.



At that moment, Rye wanted to run away, not wanting to face the consequences or the changes that were sure to happen, but he found himself continuing towards Starjammer, as if drawn forward by some powerful invisible force.



SC276: Is this guy even capable of walking under his own power anymore with how much he’s been pulled around in the last three or so chapters alone?



“Can’t sleep?” Rye asked in a low voice, his ears perking as he heard the creaking of the ships around him.



“Woe Betide had a nightmare,” Starjammer replied in a rather put out voice, “and I was tossed from Bloody Velvet’s warm bed.”



JofY: Where’s your own?

SC276: Yeah, I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.



Standing there, Rye marveled at the sound of Starjammer’s voice. It wasn’t often that he said much. Starjammer sounded a bit tipsy, a bit angry, a bit sad, he sounded as though he was going to be a drunken mess soon enough.



“Can’t be mad at Woe.” Starjammer shook his head,



SC276: [Starjammer] “I’ve tried, but then she went off on some technobabble that actually managed to confuse me.”



his mane clinging to his cheeks, and then he took a long pull from the bottle of whiskey he was holding.



JofY: RUN! He’s going to try and become your wife!



“Or Velvet for that matter.”



SC276: [Starjammer] “Luckily I was disqualified from her experiment because I’ve already been mind-controlled.”



After scooting a little closer, Rye Mash sat down beside Starjammer, still not understanding their relationship, if they were friends, or how he should act.



JofY: He forgot his role as a clown in this scene.



He watched Starjammer take another drink and Rye felt a stabbing sensation inside of his skull. He planned to stick with tea from here on out.



SC276: WE ALREADY KNEW THAT, MOVE ON ALREADY!



“What did Princess Celestia talk to you about?” Rye asked, overcome by his own curiousity.



SC276: How did you miss that, author…?



He watched as Starjammer took another drink. He sat there, waiting for a reply, listening to the sounds of the faint crackle of the storm contained inside of the gasbag overhead. Soft ticking, the creaking of wood, and the wet slap of ocean waves down below. The salty smell of the ocean clung to his nostrils. The sharp smell of the whiskey filled Rye with a sense of regret. Rye’s senses were almost overwhelmed by everything.



JofY: You know, I don’t think text can be a pre-rendered cutscene.

SC276: Guy’s not much for quick answers, is he.



Starjammer said nothing and Rye felt both annoyed and worried. “Is it so hard to talk to me?” He reached out his hoof and prodded Starjammer in the side. “I don’t get you, sometimes. Why can’t you just talk to me?”



SC276: Because merely existing in this universe is pain?



“It’s so hard to know what to say, sometimes,” Starjammer replied. The unicorn took another pull on his whiskey bottle, belched, grimaced, and then turned his head to look Rye in the eye. “Princess Celestia and I talked for a while.



JofY: [Rye] “You slut!”



Idle chit chat. She talked, I listened. Then we talked about you. She wanted to know what sort of pony I thought you were. I told her that you are a capable, clever, cunning, cutthroat killer… it’s the cutie mark, Rye… there is only so much a pony can do with two pistols as a cutie mark.”



JofY: Yeah, there sure isn’t much that anyone could do with two guns. *cough*Revolver*cough*Ocelot*cough* …[Racist Moment: 4]

SC276: OK, he’s killed… what, five people? Still less kills than Spyglass would’ve needed to score to get the fearsome reputation he had at the start of the story.



Stunned, Rye sat there, blinking, shocked that Starjammer had said so much.



SC276: You asked him a question and he’s answering! Gheeze, man.



“She wanted her student safe… that’s what it all comes down to,” Starjammer continued, closing his eyes, and swaying from side to side. “She was worried if any of us might do something untoward with her student.”



JofY: Like touch her, try to make her ‘happy’, or say: “Hi.”

SC276: Given previous patterns, if anything untowards happens, she’s going to start it when she sees Rye.



“I see.” Rye watched as Starjammer’s eyes opened.



“I require a very specific type,”



JofY: [Rye] “No! Not you too!”

SC276: ~Never never never gonna speed again...~



Starjammer said, his voice somewhat slurred. “I am the proverbial damsel in distress.



JofY: Yes, the leader needs to be saved...



I am very feminine.



JofY: ...I was joking?



Ever since I was very, very small, I have wanted to be a filly.



JofY: Just so others don’t start bringing weapons directly to me: None of my jokes are meant to imply in any way that being transgender, transexual, or any other type of thing is itself bad. My aim is towards the fic and its characters. Not to sexual identities.



I’m in the wrong body, you see.



JofY: [Starjammer] “I’m actually supposed to be Brawny Man.”



I require a very specific type.”



JofY: Female, 276 pounds, type B- blood, 3’ 4”, can lift around 83 pounds, born somewhere north, works as a Starfleet commander...

SC276: Judging from auxiliary info, I… think this may be the stupid thing? I’m not sure. Same as JofY, I have no issues with any type of identity - just that given this author thinks that a universe where every marriage has to be made drunk is OK, someone that’s freakin’ transgender is not going to come out of this fine.



Starjammer took another long drink from the bottle, belched again, and wiped his muzzle with his foreleg.



JofY: Just in case you were doubtful on how feminine he was.



Rye Mash wondered what sort of hangover Starjammer was going to have.



SC276: Probably the painful sort.



“I like Bloody Velvet because she is very masculine. She takes charge. She is very domineering and commanding and she puts me in my place.



JofY: 5.0634 N. 30.1942 W.



I can relax my guard a little bit and be myself and I can be pretty.” Starjammer paused, blinking, batting his eyelashes. “I can be the damsel in distress and Bloody Velvet will oblige me. She knows what to do with damsels in distress.



JofY: [Rye] “*starts quickly inching away*”



She paddles them, she spanks them, and she punishes them for being weak willed spineless silly fillies… and I like it.”

SC276: I thought you were gay. Maybe you’re bi, I can live with that, I think we did that with your counterpart. The issue is that you seem to associate gayness with transsexuality…? I’ve seen arguments that it’s OK for someone to be trans just because, and I can’t argue with that, but it’s a sensitive subject right now and the author can’t even write cis characters.



Shocked, Rye tried not to imagine what Starjammer was describing, but it was too late.



JofY: Grandma! Why!?



He had a vivid mental image of Bloody Velvet working Starjammer over, dominating him, cowing him, and berating him for being an effeminate milksop. He also had a disturbing mental image of Starjammer enjoying it.



JofY: ...Am I going to have to create a separate sexsim counter?



“You rescued Woe Betide… you rescued a damsel in distress.



JofY: Unfortunately, Peach was in another castle.



You didn’t have to do it, I even encouraged you to walk away from the whole mess. But you did it. You rescued a filly in distress and you were the perfect gentlepony about it.” Starjammer shook his head and set his whiskey bottle down on the deck in front of him. “That’s not how you rescue a damsel, Rye… you are supposed to rescue a damsel and then rut them silly… that’s the fantasy.



JofY: How could you not have a massive orgy!? Shame on you!

SC276: I think everyone that argues that Peach objectifies women is going to be angry as fuck with this author. Also the opponents, because it’s this author.



You rescued Mousy too. Another damsel. You, you’re the damsel rescuing type, and me, I’m a damsel.



JofY: Has he ever been captured?

SC276: Well he’s in this fic...



I’m the bad little filly that can’t stay out of trouble and wants to be foalnapped, because I want the bad guy to do bad things to me and then I want my rescuer to do even worse things to me. I can only cum when I’m held down and roughed up.”

JofY: [Rye] “WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?”

SC276: [Rye] “I mean, it’s hot as hell, but still!” Also, so this guy’s into being dominated, feminized, and possibly humiliated by masculine-feeling partners. ...I don’t have a problem with that. But I don’t want to hear about it coming from this author, who apparently thinks the only hole for the insertion of the penis is the ass of a child.



“And now, I am going off to rescue another damsel,” Rye said.



Starjammer nodded, lifted up his bottle of whiskey, and then chugged down the rest of the contents. He blinked a few times at Rye, giving the unicorn beside him a drunken stare, and then leaned closer to Rye. “You make me feel like a dirty, dirty mare.



JofY: Even if he’s taking a bath.

SC276: How long before he gets hitched?



You make me wish that I had mare parts for you to stretch out and abuse.” Starjammer let out a sour smelling belch right in Rye’s face, hiccuped once, gave Rye one very sloppy, slobbery, loose lipped drunken kiss, pulled away, rose, and then Starjammer sauntered away, leaving behind one very flustered Rye.



JofY: [Rye] “Starjammer-sempi…”

SC276: There is no way that was one breath.



“Starjammer, wait,” Rye said as his friend walked away. “You could come to bed with Mousy and I if you don’t want to be alone. I don’t think she’d mind.”



JofY: He’s finally trying to start a harem!



“Nope,” Starjammer replied, shaking his head. “You’d try to shag me gently, out of pity, and that’d ruin our relationship. I’d ruin our relationship. I get angry when I can’t cum.”

JofY: Ehhh… I think there are people who have that problem.

SC276: Dude, what you need is a relationship where both sides understand it’s purely about the sex and satisfying each other in a way you’re both comfortable. But given this author insists of everything being the same, that’s not what’s going to happen.



Not knowing how to reply, Rye watched as Starjammer disappeared belowdecks, leaving him all alone with nothing but the stars for company.



JofY: Finally glad to be unjammed.

SC276: So, who’s going to be best man at the wedding?



Shivering, confused, Rye decided to go back to bed, even if it meant waking up Mousy to get his blanket back.



“I’m sorry,” Mousy whispered into Rye’s ear as she snuggled up beside him. “But you know, if you had just cuddled with me when we got into bed, I might not have stole your blanket.”



JofY: [Rye] “Like I would want to be close to you!... Baka.”



Some of Rye’s shivers became quivers as Mousy moved against him.



SC276: Being a chaste hardass does not become you, buddy.



She was touching, him, rubbing him with her legs, he could feel the heat of her belly against his hip and his thigh. He could feel other things too.



JofY: His gun, the TV, some cold medicine, and a MassageMaster™.

SC276: The screams of the readers...



Soft things that were quite warm against his cold flesh. He thought about Starjammer, feeling confused, not knowing how to react to everything he had just heard.



JofY: If only the director gave him some direction!

SC276: You didn’t think to think about it while on your way back down?



He felt confused, overwhelmed, his mind was full of far too many thoughts to deal with.



SC276: That’s your brain struggling to realize that this universe is crap.



He snuggled up a bit closer to Mousy beneath the blanket that they both now shared, glad to have another pony in his bed with him, even if the bed was too narrow and space was cramped.



JofY: Living efficiency!



He could feel her breathing, he could feel her body moving against him. While it was just a little arousing, it was more comforting than anything else.



“Is something wrong?” Mousy asked.



SC276: You need to ask?



“Yeah,” Rye replied, breathing out the word.



“Up for a little pillow talk?” Mousy slid her hoof down Rye’s barrel and over his stomach,



SC276: Then she picked him up and threw him like a gorilla.



coming to stop over his navel.



“This whole thing with Princess Celestia has me scared.



JofY: What? A leader of an empire goes to your group with an important mission, before falling unconscious due to some unknown illness?

SC276: Certainly the least stressful of all possible situations!



Starjammer just gave me an earful.



JofY: Oh. He’s the one taking all the ears.



I just found out something horrible about my friend, Velvet.”



JofY: She’s a dominatrix.

SC276: What, exactly, is that again? Seriously, she saved you from Nightmare Moon’s leaking power, and all I remember her telling you is that you can’t handle it.



Rye paused for a moment as Mousy’s hoof traced a circle over his stomach, causing tingles to rush up and down his spine.



JofY: I wonder what happens if she traces an octagon...



“There is a lot going on.”



SC276: I’d like to know what the kangaroo’s doing right now.



“It’s exciting… I get to have an adventure… this is going to be great.” Mousy took a deep breath, sighed, and then nuzzled her muzzle along Rye’s neck. “I like this… just this. This is nice.”



SC276: I’m loving that Fumble already split from this plot forever ago.



Rye had to admit, this was nice. The feeling of somepony close. A warm body in the bed. He could get used to this. “Mousy, about us… where does Starjammer fit in with us?” He heard Mousy inhale and he felt her barrel swelling beside him.



SC276: It’s called a “chest,” author.



“I’m a selfish little bint, I am. If I ever catch you with another mare and I don’t know about it, I’ll geld ya while you’re sleeping.”



JofY: She’s turning Scottish!

SC276: One, I can’t believe “bint” is an actual word. Two, at what point did you learn that Starjammer is transgender? Three, that doesn’t actually answer his question.



Mousy continued to nuzzle Rye’s neck as she spoke. “Now, with Starjammer, that’s different. I don’t mind sharing you with him. Or maybe even another mare, if I like her enough. Just don’t ever try to hide it. Don’t be a bastard about it and I won’t go off and cheat on you.”



SC276: ...See, this is why we need to better indicate where the paragraph continues, because now I look like a complete moron.



“That seems fair,” Rye replied. “Mousy, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit uptight.”



JofY: He only has the most elite of fetishes.



“I know.” Mousy’s hoof slid lower down Rye’s belly and she giggled as Rye tensed.



SC276: Your misery brings her pleasure.



Squirming, Rye felt Mousy giving him a teasing tickle. “I have no plans to cheat on you, I’ll be honest… but Starjammer… he’s… I don’t know—”



JofY: [Rye] “He’s… flaming… No, seriously! Get the fire extinguisher! We need to save the ship!”



“You like him. That’s fine. I like watching. You were so… rough with him. It gave me the shivers. Rough but gentle.”



SC276: How does that even work?

JofY: Now that I think about it, Rye also woke up with Starjammer and Bloody Velvet. Why isn’t he also married now to those two?



Mousy took a deep breath. “You didn’t really hurt him. I was surprised about that.



JofY: [Mousy] “I mean, I wanted you to beat me up but…”



He’s a bit of a confused sort, ain’t he?”



“He is… I like him a lot… but I can’t make sense of him. He says he wants to be a mare.



JofY: Technically, he said he wanted to be a filly.

SC276: Hey, buddy. It’s up to him- er, her to decide who knows and who doesn’t. You’re being a freakin’ jerk right now.



Why would a stallion want to be a mare?”



SC276: I don’t know, why would a pegasus with a telescope stabbed into his skull want to be a pirate?



Rye’s whole body trembled as Mousy’s fetlock slid back and forth over the soft, wrinkled flesh of his scrotum.

SC276: Bad touch, bad touch!



“I don’t know,” Mousy replied, “But you made him feel like a mare, and I suppose that’s important to him.” Mousy yawned and squeezed Rye’s leg between her thighs. “Get some sleep, Rye. We’re probably going to have a long day tomorrow…”



SC276: Every day in this fic feels like it takes forever.



Author's Note:

And things got weird...

JofY: Things were already weird.

SC276: Dude, have you looked at the last like four chapters you’ve written? I don’t know why you consider adding a trans a qualifier as weird when your cast includes a sentient kangaroo in pony world where animals like a bear are plain animals.





Chapter 32



Sable Blanc shrank in the distance as both The Whalefish and The Apogee headed inland, off to do their first task. Off in the distant mountains, where the borders of Fancy and a diamond dog kingdom were located, there was a city called Alpin, and sitting on top of the mountain above the city of Alpin, was the Château de la Roche.



JofY: And inside of that lead to a tunnel that exited out into a forest that could have you ending up in…

SC276: I’ve already forgotten why they’re going there. Also, is Fancy the diamond dog kingdom, or…?



Word had it that the castle was full of slavers who specialised in the trade of earth ponies and sometimes, pegasus ponies, with unicorns being far too much trouble to mess with.



JofY: Yeah. It’s too bad for them that the unicorns are the master race. [Racist Moment: 5]

SC276: Of course there’s fucking slavers.



At least, that is what the intelligence said.



In Château de la Roche, they would find a certain Docteur Lapin, somebody of interest.



SC276: “Somepony of interest,” ya freakin’ moron.



Princess Celestia had not made it clear who or what the doctor was, which bothered Captain Spyglass to no end.

SC276: [Celestia] “He has a hat. That’s all I got.”



As for how to get the doctor out of the castle, they were still forming a plan, and that plan involved Bloody Velvet, Starjammer, and Rye Mash committing a spree of murder and violence.



JofY: ...Or you could just ask him to meet you outside.



It wasn’t much of a plan, but it was a plan.



JofY: It’s not like they need to have any sort of target or goal or anything, it’s just if they murder a bunch he’ll appear out of thin air.

SC276: Like treasure chests in Zelda that appear when you kill all the enemies in the room. Plus it involves the death of possibly hundreds, but that’s OK because slavers do not have souls.



The doctor had information on Stella Scintilla and securing him was their top priority.

SC276: I’m sure Velvet has that speak-to-dead spell from D&D or something. Although yeah, if the guy who knows anything about the macguffin’s whereabouts is in the company of slavers, that would suggest that the slavers are part of Inky’s entourage, and isn’t that just perfect. It’s like all the enemies in a shooter being zombies.



Rye, unsettled about the whole thing, was uncomfortable with his role—he was the weakest unicorn around when compared to Starjammer and Bloody Velvet, who were titans of magic.



SC276: You’ve got higher in-fic kill counts than both of them.



Even Woe Betide was showing more magical aptitude than he was and she was a foal.



SC276: [Woe] “That is because I’m a filly prodigy, and you are a sex-obsessed gun-toting dolt with delusions of grandeur.”



He wasn’t sure what he could bring to the table in an all out assault upon a fortified location, other than shooting their enemies a whole bunch of times.



SC276: That’s what being part of a team is for, dipstick.



He hoped that what he could do would be enough.



It was one thing to fly into a storm, but it was a whole different thing entirely to fly into such an uncertain future.



JofY: And they weren’t pegasi.



Nopony quite knew what they were getting into or the horrors that awaited them.

SC276: [Celestia] “You’d think I could mind-control me up a map of the place, but noooo.”



“Try harder!” Bloody Velvet’s voice was commanding, but also held a quaver of pain.



JofY: Say fic, you want to establish where they actually are first?



Her sides spasmed and her right hind leg wouldn’t stop twitching.



JofY: No? Okay, we’ll just assume the worst.



“Woe, you need to focus! Stop slacking off!”



JofY: They’re bringing the other child into this!?



Scowling, her lips pressing together, Woe Betide squinted her eyes and



JofY: You’re really doing this!?



stared at the padlock she was trying to unlock.



JofY: Oh… Sorry.



She had the lockpicks held in her telekinesis and she struggled to get a feel for what she was doing. She could feel the tumblers moving inside. She gave the probe a little wiggle and ignored Bloody Velvet. These things took time.



JofY: 5 seconds.

SC276: [Woe] “And why isn’t Mousy the one teaching me something she’s done a hundred times again?”



Bloody Velvet’s distractions were a good thing, as Woe understood that there would be lots of distractions if she was trying to do this under fire.



Meanwhile, Oola Roo was trying to show Rye the basics for using a sword, and Rye was mimicking her movements as he held his hanger sword, gifted to him by Princess Celestia, in his telekinesis.



JofY: Thinking about it, I really can’t see how well unicorns could use swords. I mean, they have to focus directly on their sword to use it, the handle is useless, and most cutting and stabbing requires some sort of weight or force.

SC276: I read a fic where Rarity got a pair of blades made for use by a unicorn by this method. There are other things I’m questioning. Namely, why does a kangaroo with her short arms know how to use a sword, when did Celestia give him a sword, and why did Celestia insist on Rye bringing a sword to a gunfight?

JofY: SC276, I mentioned this last time. You don’t bring a gun to a swordfight.



The sword, suitable for both slashing and stabbing, was a well balanced weapon and Rye found that he quite liked it.



As Rye and Oola practiced sword fighting, both Mousy and Starjammer sat together on the deck, enjoying the sight of Rye and his fancy hoofwork.



SC276: Well the whole gang’s here, isn’t it.



Starjammer was watching with rapt interest, his eyes darting to and fro as Rye avoided Oola’s punishing attacks, and Mousy watched with a pleased smile.



“This is good fun, ain’t it?” Mousy slipped her question into Starjammer’s ear, her lips tickling him and causing his ear to twitch.



JofY: Right in front of everyone? Really?

SC276: Don’t you guys have work to do on the pirate ship?



“What’s your favourite part? Me… I like those legs of his… look at the way he moves.”



SC276: Does he move like Jagger?



“Hmm,” Starjammer replied in a thoughtful hum, “that perky, perfect plot of his.”

SC276: Someone on 4chan, I think.



“Oh sure, go right for the garden and the potatoes,”



JofY: ...Heaven forbid you go for the tomatoes… The hell?

SC276: ...I’m not getting any responses on Google. The heck is she talking about?



Mousy said as she let out a faux haughty sniff. She turned up her nose at Starjammer. “He’s more than a nice arse and a potato sack, you know.



JofY: He’s also some lettuce.

SC276: Did you honestly compare someone’s ass to a garden- oh, because garden plot. Fuck you.



He has a handsome enough face too.”



Starjammer shrugged, said nothing, but gave Mousy a lewd grin as he licked his teeth. Mousy, unable to maintain her theatrical irritation, broke down into fillyish giggling.



JofY: They’re being gassed!



“I want to look down and see that face of his between my legs.” Mousy’s perverse words were acknowledged with a loud snort from Starjammer.



JofY: Sex is hilarious.

SC276: Yeah, sure, now that you’re married and gotten it in the ass by a drunk, your perspective on sex has completely changed. And let me guess, it’s the exact same for every other married couple in the world.



Hearing laughter, Woe redoubled her efforts and moved the probe around, feeling for the little click when the tumbler moved to just the right spot.



SC276: I’ve been on Tumblr long enough that that feels misspelled.



She was rewarded with a soft, faint click as the last tumbler slid into place. She turned the mechanism and the padlock popped open.



JofY: Great! You’ve successfully opened the kind of lock I use on my suitcase.



“Say, that’s pretty good,” Bloody Velvet said to Woe as she locked the padlock. “Now do it again. And again. And then again,



JofY: Are we sure the fic isn’t corrupted in any way? It keeps repeating.

SC276: And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again-



until you can open the thing up in seconds.



SC276: [Velvet] “GO FOR THE BEST TIME.”

[Woe] “Did someone install video games on you again?!”



Sighing, Woe Betide resigned herself to an afternoon of picking locks.



“I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve been off by yourself a fair bit.” Rye Mash looked at Skeeter, his expression one of concern, and he tried to understand his pegasus friend.



JofY: ...Who?

SC276: Oh right, this guy. He got half a Chesire in the third chapter, got rescued by Rye, and is now his bodyguard which he still totally needs at this point.

JofY: ...Wait a bodyguard? Where has he been the past two parts where Rye could have been ambushed by thugs in the street, or captured by Celestia’s guards or the like?

SC276: Presumably in narrative limbo, which is where I wish I’ve been when these stories come up.



“Are you alright?”



“I’m fine,” Skeeter replied. The pegasus struggled to smile. His face was still healing, but was getting better every day.



SC276: So, the exact opposite of this story.



“I just… I’ve had a lot to think about. We’re doing more than I had intended. More than I had signed on for.”



SC276: Dealing with rescue bullshit and Rye Mash was not in his job description.



“The rescue?” Rye asked.



“No, everything… I… I knew things would be dangerous when I signed on. I sort of understood what I was getting myself into.



SC276: [Skeeter] “I mean, we attack ships crewed by winged creatures with sharp talons for forehooves in the middle of the sky. ‘Danger’ is kind of built in.”



But the reality of it… getting my face all messed up.” The pegasus paused and contemplated his own words. “I’m just a pegasus who likes flying fast. I just wanted to make a few bits. I wanted to see the world. This is more than I bargained for.”



SC276: You’re getting hung up about your face getting cut… twenty-nine chapters after it happened? Gheeze, ya freakin’ baby.



“You can still leave before we’re in deep trouble.” Rye looked at his friend, trying to read him, trying to understand him, trying to figure out what the pegasus wanted.



SC276: And failing miserably.



“I have no intentions of leaving. At least, not yet. You’re my friend. And that means something.



SC276: [Skeeter] “Namely, escape from the fic is impossible.”



I’m poor, Rye, but I have loyalty. That’s worth a king’s ransom.”



SC276: What does your individual wealth level have to do with the current situation?



“So it is.” Rye nodded his head. “I’m going to fix tea.



JofY: Tea really has some loose wires.

SC276: Also spade and neuter it.



You should join me. Stop brooding and spend some time with me.”



SC276: [Rye] “Your turn for the social link.”



Skeeter heaved a sigh and looked at his friend. “Well, if you insist…”



Staring up at the stars,



JofY: ...It was mid-day a few paragraphs before.



Rye Mash came to the unsettling conclusion that he was going to miss these idyllic times.



JofY: He was going to miss these times of foreboding horrors, sexual crises, and pretentious philosophy.



In but a short time, there was going to be a whole lot of bloodshed. Part of him was excited, but a part of him worried too. He always felt bad after being violent, conflicted somehow, like something inside of him was torn apart.



JofY: Could it possibly be that violence may be wrong?

SC276: Nah, just the author trying to create unnecessary dramatic tension that doesn’t work because the story sucks.



There was too much on his mind.



JofY: Like his skull and scalp.



He kept thinking about the horrible black thing he had seen in the dream,



JofY: ...Too easy.



the violence that awaited him, and Skeeter’s seeming doubt. Skeeter had done his best to reassure him, but Rye knew that the pegasus was having some trouble going ahead. Bloody Velvet and Starjammer, they were fine with what was soon to happen. Starjammer seemed perfectly fine with killing.



JofY: *looks up not even half a chapter* ...Really?



Bloody Velvet was known as Bloody Velvet for a reason.



JofY: And man, those cakes were to die for.



Oola was along for a good time,



SC276: But she’s only gonna have a bad time- *dunk’d*



and she was looking forward to a tussle.



But Skeeter… Rye worried for his friend. Skeeter had spoke a great deal about loyalty over tea.



JofY: Loyalty under tea can suck it.

SC276: If he sucks at battle, why is he a bodyguard?!



Rye realised while sipping tea just how lucky he was to have a loyal friend.



SC276: I think this is the first time you’ve talked since, like, the beginning of the fic.



Rye worried, fretted, wondering if he could somehow keep Skeeter out of the worst of the violence. But Skeeter was assigned to be his bodyguard. This presented a bit of a dilemma for Rye, who had come to the understanding that Skeeter was not like the rest of them.



JofY: Skeeter forgot his character development.



With that realisation, Rye realised that he was no longer like Skeeter—Rye was, indeed, becoming a cold blooded murderous bastard. At some point, something inside of him had shifted, changed, and he was becoming something else. And after the big fight ahead, Rye wondered what he would become.SC276: Well, not a better character, that’s for sure.



“When I was just a little filly, I asked my mother, ‘What will I be… will I be pretty will I be rich?’ Here's what she said to me, ‘Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.’”



JofY: Wait… Repeating words, narrating dialogue, and lyrical phrasing?... Oh crap! They’re going to start singing!

SC276: ~Yar har, fiddle di dee / Being a pirate is alright with me! / Do what you like ‘cause a pirate is free / You are a pirate!~



Rye Mash’s ears perked at the sounds of Mousy’s voice. He turned and looked at her. She was standing on the deck, the wind whipping her mane and her tail off to one side, looking at him with wide eyes filled with mirth and laughter.



“Hello, Rye.”



“Hey, Mousy… I was just out here thinking.”



“It’s past midnight, Rye.



JofY: [Mousy] “Don’t you know not to think after midnight!?”

SC276: That’d honestly be a better story.



Most ponies have gone to bed. I was thinking about turning in myself. But the bed is empty.” Mousy sashayed forwards, almost mimicking Starjammer’s own hip swaying sashay. She came over to Rye’s side and came to a halt, standing beside him.



SC276: Why do we have to be subjected to this scene?



“I was just out here, thinking,” Rye said to Mousy.



SC276: You already said that! Move on already!



“You know, a heavy burden is easier when two carry it.” Mousy turned her head and looked at Rye, who was a fair bit taller than her, but she was stockier than him by far. “I’m an earth pony… I don’t mind something a little heavy on my back.”



JofY: Wait, you mean, there could be a benefit to being an Earth Pony?



Hearing Mousy’s words, Rye flushed, feeling hot and flustered.



SC276: I think his brain’s starting to overclock.



“You know, you can share your problems with me, Rye.” Mousy blinked and a powerful gust of wind tugged upon her ears. “You can tell me anything, anything at all. I’ve decided to be as open minded as possible with all things concerning you.



SC276: [Mousy] “It’s pretty much the only way to not go completely insane.”

JofY: [Mousy] “Just tell me your fetish!”



Sharing you with Starjammer has already worked out for the best… I now have a wonderful friend that I am starting to adore a great deal.”



Now, Rye felt even more hot and flustered and the chilly breeze did nothing. He looked off at the stars. “I’m worried that there is going to be lots of killing.



JofY: “Hey guys, let’s kill to get to this one dude. *later* I think killing will happen.” Gee. I wonder what’s making you think that Rye.

SC276: Sucker’s. Bet.



I’m worried about what it will do to me. Every time I kill something, or somepony, it gets a little easier and I kinda get in a funk afterwards. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m changing, and I’m not sure if it is for the better.”



JofY: Well, we all change in unexpected ways as we grow older.

SC276: Can you change into a better story?



“Hmm,” Mousy hummed. “Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera, what will be, will be.”



“What does that even mean, anyway?” Rye asked.



“I have no idea, but it’s pretty,” Mousy replied.



JofY: [Rye] “So, I have legitimate concerns about my future and sanity, and you prattle off some nonsense you don’t even know?”



“I think the future just sort of happens. I don’t know if we can change it.



JofY: Technically, unless one has the ability to go back in time, or can see reliable visions of the future, the future isn’t something that has definite value i.e. something that can be changed.

SC276: I means I can rewatch “It’s About Time,” and I’ll have a better time getting the same lesson.



Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. You’re probably going to shoot a lot of things that deserve it.



JofY: You mean beings?



You might shoot something that doesn’t deserve it.



JofY: Why aren’t you calling the ones that you are going to shoot beings!? Is it that they’re only going to shoot non-sentient objects? You know what, [Racist Moment: 6]. I’ll retract it if they only ever shoot non-living things, but if they do, then this counts!

SC276: Wouldn’t it be freakin’ hilarious if he shot the person they’re going to extract?



Things are going to happen. We can’t stop them, we can only be patient and wait them out as they happen.”



“I think I’m afraid of changing.”



JofY: Didn’t we already have this scene?

SC276: Probably, I’ve already forgotten most of the details.



Rye felt Mousy press up against his side and she shivered against him. As the night continued, the air grew colder.



SC276: It was already past midnight when this scene started. How much colder could it get?



“Change happens.” Mousy leaned her head against Rye’s neck, just below his jaw. He was warm.



JofY: Well, at least the space heater is working.



He smelled of gunpowder, oil, leather, and fragrant tea. It was a smell that Mousy was starting to associate with safety, comfort, and sexual attraction.



JofY: Though, not with respect to the previous list.

SC276: So now we’re from Mousy’s POV even though the entire fic so far was from Rye’s.



She tucked her tail down between her legs to protect herself from the wind—the sudden dampness she had made the wind that much colder when it tickled her nether regions.



JofY: Hey, did someone order all of these horns?



Right now, she could only think about one way to get warm.



SC276: Three bucks says it’s not just cuddling.



“But is it a change for the better?”



SC276: ~Who can say if I have changed for the better…?~



Rye shook his head, inhaled, and filled his lungs with cold night air. Overhead, the stars twinkled and off to the south, the night sky was purple from the light of a distant city.



JofY: I didn’t think flames could be that bright. Or are you saying that Diamond Dogs know how to use electricity?



“See, now that you’re here, it makes things more difficult.



JofY: [Rye] “Do we really need to go shoe shopping when we’re under fire?”



I want to be a good husband. I want to do things right.”



SC276: So why didn’t you quit being a pirate?!



“Just be good to me, Rye, and everypony else can feck off. I understand that you are a pirate—”



“Privateer,” Rye corrected.



“—and with being a pirate,



JofY: Even the fic will admit that yes, Rye is a pirate.

SC276: ~We’ve got us a map (a map!)...~



you are bound to do some questionable, despicable acts. And I say, do them.



JofY: What’s this law you speak of?



Just do them to the right ponies…. griffons… minotaurs… whoever. I don’t care.



JofY: Yeah, uh, since you actually did miss it, RYE IS AFRAID OF KILLING THE WRONG ONES! I’m sorry for using caps but, my god! Take a hint!



Just help the innocent, protect those that can’t protect themselves, and I don’t care who you kill or what sort of bloodbath you cause.



JofY: ...So, kill everyone so no one can die?

SC276: Fight, Mega Man, for everlasting peace!



A wife must be understanding when she marries a pirate and she can’t afford to be picky,



JofY: Can’t be picky? You get a husband at random the first time you get drunk! You don’t get to pick.

SC276: Actually, she got picked at random when the husband gets drunk, because god forbid ladies drink alcohol.



just so long as the bills are paid and there is food to eat.”



SC276: What bills? They’re pirates!



“We don’t have bills.”



SC276: Stop repeating me!

JofY: ...Stop repeating me!



“You know what I mean.”



“I’m worried that killing will leave me cold—”



SC276: -dead on the hard cold ground? Or something?



“Well then, I shall have to keep you warm and make you care about things.”



“I don’t think it will be that easy.” Rye shook his head.



SC276: That’s what happens when you try to undo thirty-two chapters of suck.



“Well then, it is up to me to make sure my feminine wiles are up for the job.”



JofY: ...So, all he’s going to care about is getting laid?... I don’t see any unintended side effects.

SC276: I get the idea that she’s going to serve as a morality pet - maybe morality chain depending on how severe it is - but the way it’s presented is almost insulting.



An unwilling smile broke over Rye’s muzzle like an ocean wave over a rock. He felt a warm, fuzzy feeling of affection for the earth pony beside him. Somehow, she had made him feel better.



SC276: That’s what pep talks are supposed to, buddy.



The trouble ahead no longer was quite so worrisome.



SC276: You, your girl, the trans, and the robot survive long enough to have children, which we know because the author blabbed the heckie out of it apparently. The only reason we have to worry is whether or not you die as soon as possible after you have kids.

JofY: Hey, don’t use the term robot. We barely know Skeeter.

SC276: ...Moving on.



He felt calmer. More leveled out. He felt sleepy, and he felt as though his mind would be quiet enough for him to sleep.



“Come, little mare. Let us go to bed.”



Author's Note:

I'm going to try and get out new chapters on Saturdays.

JofY: And this, has been The Catch, Part Six. And, I kind of like it. Yeah, it’s starting to become a guilty pleasure for me. I mean, seriously, I’m convinced right now that Kudzu is actually one of the Wachowski’s horny sons with how philosophical and repetitive everything is. Hell, I’m not even mad about elements like Starjammer being trans or any of the other fetishes the rest of the ship is into. Besides, I’m not here to get angry over some shmo’s attempts at preaching their views of the world. I’m here to mock them. Wadda bout the rest of you?

SC276: Well I suppose I don’t have as much outright outrage to say about this bunch of chapters - not compared to the rushed nonsense last bit. I mean, comparing marriage to claiming land without mentioning harems at least was crap… and the apparent association between being non-normative in gender and/or sexual orientation and apparently a feminization fetish was misguided, I don’t even know… and claiming that Earth ponies are barely worth the dirt they’re named for even in a mostly airborne setting was stupid… Oh yeah, and according to Ring, the whole scene with Nightmare Moon was actually a test for Velvet to see if she could wield the Element of Magic. Even though before the start of the series, there’s no evidence anyone knew the Element of Magic even existed. I missed that in the riff itself because I couldn’t possibly care less. And that’s on top of the fact that Princess Celestia used mind-projection or whatever it was but most certainly involuntary on a bystander - a bystander that she needs and actually came to this port specifically for - and almost got his soul eaten or whatever by Nightmare Moon, just to test this girl who may or may not have even noticed whatever astral realm that was. If literally anything went wrong, he would be dead and her student would be SOL. I came up with that interpretation of Celestia as a joke, but I may have been surprisingly accurate - she literally does not give a shit about anything.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Fallen has company over and I need to get back to the GW2 beta, so I’ll just make this quick: The winner of the poll is a terrible 9K-word fic about Rainbow Dash and a self-insert human having feelings for each other. It’s what you guys voted for for… some reason. Without further ado, “An Evening With A Pegasus” by Naviskypegasus.

Crazy56U: Damn it, guys, the obvious choice was staring you in the face, and you pick this anyway?! Seriously! “Trixieverse”! C’mon! I did NOT vote for pony-on-human action! ...I seriously just typed that!

JofY: Oh, come on Crazy. This is classic schlock. Besides, we’ve been doing so many action/adventure type stories that, it’s time to shake things up.

Crazy56U: That is not an excuse, that is never an excuse!

CaptainPipsqueak; Oh shush; there’s always next week.

ToonGuy: And we’re off to a great start already! *pulls out large piece of balsa wood* Just for anyone who wants to headbutt something out of anger.

MrSing: Human on pony action is part of the ancient tradition of riffing. I said ancient, not proud.

SC276: As long as it doesn’t include Slenderman again, I’ll be fine.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Slenderman] “Hey; fuck you too, buddy!”

JofY: Oi! If we were to do another fic that included Slenderman, then we’d start to be the ones who don’t riff MLP fics, but Slenderman fics. We need some variety here!

Mononeko: All right, first riff Let’s rip this thing apart...



Chapter One: A Pegasus In Trouble



JofY: And prepare to make it double!

Scarlet: To protect the world from- what, we aren’t doing the full bit this time? Awww…

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s gambling debts have caught up to her big time.

ToonGuy: She was being chased by pegasi with baseball bats.

SC276: Huzzah! How many points have I received?!



Author's Note:

This is the first story I wrote that marks the beginning of my Human X Rainbow Dash Fan Fiction lure.



Crazy56U: You made this story as a lure? ...that’s not how that works!

ToonGuy: Perhaps it’s meant to indicate that it’s a sting operation by the Moral Decency Police.

SC276: Great, you’re planning more?

MrSing: I think fish are more interested in the action comedy genre.

Scarlet: Yeah, the Deep Ones are often known for their love of Jackie Chan films.



Taking place three weeks before my one shot.



JofY: This, is a two shot.

Crazy56U: Oh, great, it’s bad enough we’re doing this, we’re doing this out of order as well! We’re going to be so lost!

Mononeko: Oh, don’t act like you’re interested in the plot anyway.

ToonGuy: I have a GOOD feeling about today.

MrSing: It’s always a good sign when the author doesn’t know the meaning of words. It means he can’t read our jokes and get mad.



Pegasi In The Sky



CaptainPipsqueak: As opposed to underwater. Which is good, because pegasi can’t swim worth shit.

MrSing: I can go twice as high. Take a pic, it’s in a fic. The riffing rainbow.

Scarlet: ~Weeeee will read anything~

CaptainPipsqueak: ~And then regret/the goal we set/Riffing Rainbow~

SC276: With diamonds?



story. And five weeks before the Dash's Day story.



Crazy56U: “And about ten days after my bout of diarrhea. Remarkably, I got a lot of

writing done during it!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Once all the shit was out of me, I put it in my story!”

ToonGuy: Considering the nature of this story, that brings up terrible images.

SC276: Tell me this guy at least has a journal giving an objective timeline, otherwise I’m not sure why he bothered.

Mononeko: I think you’re giving this guy too much credit.



Please excuse all the overuses of words/over explanations, as I was just learning at the time. (and still are)



JofY: At least he admits it.

Scarlet: “I are still learning.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It am difficult, but me doing my bestest.”

Crazy56U: You clearly need to go back to school, then. Taking more time to learn is

not a bad thing here.



I would fix it but I wanted to keep my original idea intact.



JofY: That’s no reason for bad grammar.

Crazy56U: “Also, I can’t be bothered, fuck you.”

ToonGuy: Isn’t that a bit like a builder keeping a really shit house up that could kill someone because it was his first go?

SC276: A perverted sentimentality.

MrSing: Rule one of being a great writer: burn and hide your old shame. That one’s for free, kid.



When I first uploaded this story all the way back in August 2014



Crazy56U: Oh, great, another reason to hate 2014.

MrSing: Ancient and barbaric times.

Scarlet: When mammoths walked the earth, and “Selfie” got radio play.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, and...and...did anything of note take place in 2014?

Crazy56U: Well, there was the tragic murdering of “How I Met Your Mother” on March 31st...



I've since fixed (a lot) of grimmer mistakes to make it readable.



Mononeko: But I kept the lighthearted ones.

CaptainPipsqueak: He tells us he’s taken care of grammar errors while misspelling grammar. Oh God; this is gold.

Crazy56U: Well, at least he made the story more light-hearted...



Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading my first work, NSH.



JofY: Uh...

Crazy56U: This isn’t called “NSH”, Author. Did you seriously forget which story you

are writing?!

ToonGuy: Would not surprise me in the least.



It Has Been



MrSing: So how is that fixing a lot of “grimmer” mistakes working out for you?

Scarlet: I feel bad for complaining about the editors last time we riffed Pen Stroke.

Crazy56U: The More You Know

CaptainPipsqueak: ...The Less You Wish You Had.

SC276: ~-one week since you looked at me...~



about two months now since Rainbow Dash had found out that she could open portals to my world.



JofY: And yet, she still hasn’t replied to any of my texts.

Crazy56U: Insert Double Rainboom joke here.

SC276: Well that’s freakin’ convenient.

MrSing: “Oops, just teared a hole between dimension. I guess I can do that now.”

Scarlet: Let’s try it! *leaps through a glowing portal*

Crazy56U: ...bye!

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLADoS] “Oh goody; more test subjects! Let’s do science.”



“I still can't believe it every time she visits me.”



CaptainPipsqueak: “It takes me half an hour to clean up the mess she leaves.”

Crazy56U: And this part of narration is in quote because… the Narrator is talking to… ...himself?

Mononeko: Considering the story we’re in, this is probably true.

CaptainPipsqueak: This guy considers quotes to be… well I’m not sure what he thinks of them, only that they should be used liberally. Quotations are the new comma.

SC276: Maybe it’s something like the narrator in Bastion.



She'd always liked to hang out at my house for a few hours two or three times a week, as It was far too dangerous for us to do anything out of the house



Crazy56U: “Some old guy kept offering us a sword to do so, though. ...don’t really trust that guy…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Did he say anything about it being dangerous to go alone?

MrSing: The protagonist and the cops aren’t, shall we say, on the best of terms.

CaptainPisqueak: Well, at least the cops and us are on the same wavelength.

JofY: Uhh.... At best, they have the same frequency.

CaptainPipsqueak: Potahto, potayto...



seeing as how no one other than me I had seen a Pony like her before.



Waterpear: Dangerous? Is this one of those fics where humans are all “I AM MANDOR! MANDOR SEE COLORFUL PONY. MANDOR MURDER!”?

Crazy56U: ...I’m starting to think that this story isn’t actually happening and the

Narrator is crazy...

CaptainPipsqueak: You should know by now that these are actually written - you’ve done more than your share.

ToonGuy: You think those kind of guys have their own special club?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. It’s called Fanfiction.net.

SC276: Not a very exclusive club, is it.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Special’ and ‘exclusive’ are not conflicting terms. AO3 is catching up as well.



As we grew closer as friends over the weeks,



Crazy56U: I’d like to think that drugs were involved… just because.

CaptainPipsqueak: I can see how that would speed the process, yes.

MrSing: Most people need drugs to become friends with talking blue horses.

Scarlet: *emerges from glowing portal* Not me, though! I just don’t make friends.

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLAdoS] “That really hurts me in my heart, you know.”



Dash ended up spending pretty much all day relaxing or watching some Indiana Jones films of which she loved to compare to her beloved Daring Do books.



Scarlet: “It’s the same thing but with more screaming women in the second film!”

Crazy56U: And there’s a disappointing lack of Shia LaBeouf in Daring Do…

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Disappointing lack’ and ‘Shia LaBeouf’ do not go together like that.

MrSing: The ponies are really missing out on never having had nazies. The movies just aren’t the same without them.



The time zones used to so different between our worlds,



Crazy56U: (picks up a “be” from the ground) Hey, did anyone drop this?



but now their time passes at almost the same as ours give or take a few hours.



Crazy56U: Is it because Equestria doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings Time?

CaptainPipsqueak: I can see the reasoning behind that, being as their royalty control the day and night.

SC276: When Apocalymon appeared, the time between your world and our world became synchronized.

MrSing: The daylight saving times became crazy inconvenient.

Scarlet: Skype Dn’D sessions became much easier to set up!



In a lot of ways it feels like our two worlds are becoming one amazing reality.



JofY: In fact, they are planning to start this new thing that will change humans into ponies to help with this merge. So far, things look promising.

ToonGuy: Apparently they’re looking to go global! So that’s a plus.

Crazy56U: Eh, I don’t know, this one crazy chick on the Internet is a wee bit too into the idea, if you catch my drift.

CaptainPipsqueak: Eh; there’s always one...

MrSing: Just cram the realities together into one big colorful rainbow mush.



Twilight Sparkle along with various other researchers in Equestria had found easier ways to would cross



Crazy56U: Yes, yes, would cross, but should cross? That’s the real question.

SC276: Would cross could cross should cross lying in the sun...

MrSing: How much cross would a would cross cross if a would cross would cross would?

JofY: 7.

CaptainPisqueak: My calculations suggest twelve.



from studying Rainbow Dash's amazing abilities over this short time, but soon world crossing became regulated.



JofY: Curse you, bureaucracy!!!

Crazy56U: The process to get a world-crossing visa is so bullshit, let me tell ya. Makes a trip to the DMV look like a trip to 7-11...

CaptainPipsqueak: Is it true that you actually have to post your entire itinerary before they clear you?

Crazy56U: Not just your itinerary, let me tell you. Jesus Christ, the amount of shit you need to provide is just… wow…

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh Jesus...They don’t still...probe you, do they?

Crazy56U: (uncomfortably shifts in seat) ...yep...

Mononeko: Yep, haven’t been able to walk straight for days…

CaptainPipsqueak: The trip back is even worse. Hooves. ‘nuff said.

SC276: You gotta shove it up your ass, Morty!



On the rare occasion when her friends did show up with her, it was really only to collect “field research”



JofY: Other than the fields, there wasn’t anything actually different. Just the fields.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...but there were a lot of fields, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, it was basically “Reverse ‘Pokemon Snap’”.

Scarlet: “Field Research”. Is that what kids are calling it these days?



as Twilight called it when she would borrow various gaming magazines and books from me to read and return on hers or Dashes next trip.



CaptanPipsqueak: Ten bucks says Twilight gets into ‘League of Legends.’

Crazy56U: (scoff) Please, Twilight would be more into WOW. Pinkie, on the other

hand, she’d be into LOL.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but in her case it would mostly be because of the acronym. Fluttershy plays Diablo III. I call it.

Crazy56U: Nah, my money’s on Club Penguin. Because.

CaptainPipsqueak: It has to be something violent. Otherwise the joke is ruined.

Crazy56U: Heh, you think Club Penguin isn’t violent… ...you fool…

ToonGuy: Rarity would definitely be into Minecraft. All the fabulous jewels.

SC276: So she’d kill for pearls?

Mononeko: Do you think Lyra would play The Sims?



I think it was Twilight that spearheaded this, inter-dimensional research program.



JofY: Inter-dimensional research program NO!

Crazy56U: It was going to be called “Project: Sliders”, but Twilight faced a copyright

infringement thing over it.

Scarlet: We defaulted on “Stargate” as well.

CaptainPipsqueak: Have you considered “Wormhole X-treme!”?



But don't quote me that.



CaptainPipsqueak: Okay.

Waterpear: “Don’t quote me on that.” ~ some guy who dated bluefast

Crazy56U: (writing in notebook) Yeah, uh huh, don’t quote, got it…

JofY: Anything you say, can and will be used against you...

SC276: Aren’t we in quotation marks right now?

CaptainPipsqueak: Have we reached our quote-a yet?



You sure couldn't make up this stuff about about realities and dimensions,



MrSing: I’ll bet you ten bucks the author had a insufferable smirk on their face when they wrote that line.



It always made my head hurt trying to understand it, but I guess reality will always be stranger than fiction.



Crazy56U: The only good thing about reality, really, is spaghetti. Spaghetti is

important.

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah. Lasagna all the way.

Crazy56U: Shut up, Garfield, why don’t you go back to your buddy, Bill Murray, and make another terrible live action movie... ...sorry, I just felt like ragging on the Garfield movie...

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, cannelloni is good, too.

SC276: Um, all this seems really clear-cut to me. Also, given I’ve got a canon that revolves entirely around dimensional travel, I have, thank you very much.



I had been watching one of those Red Bull air races on TV that evening,



Crazy56U: Author, product placement is a sin. (takes a swig of Diet Coke) Shame.

JofY: Damn it! I thought I had Adblock on!

Crazy56U: No, you do, it’s just that the Author found a way to bypass it. He’s that

much of an ass. (takes another swig of Diet Coke)

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah! What bullshit is this? (takes a handful of Jelly Belly)

ToonGuy: Damn, this stuff is good. *Grabs the Walmart bag and pulls out Sunny D.*

SC276: Insert line from that GIFset from that movie here. (pulls out a Nintendo 3DS)

Scarlet: Sure would be great for people to read The Fumble, now endorsed by absolutely no major corporation!

MrSing: Woah, where did all this money come from?



thinking that the pilots flying as fast as they did in those planes were the closest thing a human like me could get to being a real Wonderbolt.



CaptainPipsqueak: Why are they using planes? Red Bull gives you wings, doesn’t it?

Crazy56U: Please, that’s a myth.

CaptainPipsqueak: Really? Because I can just imagine them tooling around and making jet noises.

Scarlet: The drug references in this story are started to add up. This guy is just stupid high.

Mononeko: I think he’s either stupid or high.

CaptainPipsqueak: The two aren’t mutually exclusive.



I always liked aviation glowing up,



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, he likes his planes what shine in the darkness.

Crazy56U: Radioactive Planes: The Future Is Now!



to this day I still have a model jet fighter on one of the bookcases in my room along with a photo of Spitfire posing with Rainbow Dash that the Pegasus had giving me a few weeks after we first met.



Crazy56U: Or, in other words, you stole it.

Scarlet: I prefer to think of it as ‘borrowing for life’.

Mononeko: [Someone who enters his room] “Ummm, why do you have a photo of a blue horse?”



That’s probably why I admired the Pegasi so much.



MrSing: He was always a sucker for posing.



They were living my dream of flying with complete freedom like they did with those powerful wings of theirs.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Also, Rainbow Dash has an incredible ass. Don’t tell her I said so.”

Crazy56U: ...I feel uncomfortable now…

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, that’s where things are headed. Don’t fool yourself.

ToonGuy: I’ve already got myself some Brain Bleach just for the occasion.

JofY: Oh… That wasn’t supposed to go down the drain?

MrSing: Oh please, have you ever even seen a Segway? If humans had wings they would be too lazy to fly.



They'd just announced the winner with the fastest time when all of a sudden, I saw a bright whitish/blue light flash throughout the house



Crazy56U: “And then a- wait, is that a flying DeLorean?!”

Scarlet: *makes TARDIS noises*

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t wreck your throat now.

SC276: Well it’s not one of mine. Those are all blue.

MrSing: Plot twist. This story takes place in Hiroshima.



and a loud “BANG” a little less loader then a gunshot rang out.



JofY: EVERYONE! GET DOWN!

CaptainPipsqueak: It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly a shot rang out!

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Insert topical joke here about gun violence.

MrSing: S.W.A.T. team to the rescue! And you thought I was joking when I said the police was looking for him.

Nox: You’re in my way, sir.



Then seeing as the bright light started to diminish a cyan blue Pegasi laying in the middle of my dining room floor.



Crazy56U: Annnd Rainbow’s dead. THE END

Scarlet: Cyan bl- a blue, blue pegasus? Yo listen up here’s a story about a blue pegasus in a blue room, and all day and all night-

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh dabadee.



After seeing what just happened, I quickly jumped off the couch I'd been sitting on and ran over to the distraught Pegasus.



Mononeko: “Looks like meat’s back on the menu!”

Scarlet: To finish her off and get the free EXP and item drops!

CaptainPipsqueak: Loot-whore.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) CaptainPipsqueak would be excellent at CinemaSins.

(ding!)

CaptainPipsqueak: Is that a compliment or an insult?

SC276: Easy EXP.



“Ugh, I got to find a better way of doing this...”



JofY: [Dash] “This is the worst way of breaking and entering.”

Crazy56U: (punches table in anger) Shit…

JofY: ...Dude. Why did you punch my table?

Crazy56U: It was either the table or the wall…

ToonGuy: So does that mean it’s open season on punching JofY’s table?

JofY: If you guys keep breaking my stuff, do you know what I’ll have to do?

ToonGuy: Get a new table?

JofY: You will? Great. I like the expensive kind.

SC276: Does that “better way” including doing it outside?



said an exhausted Rainbow Dash who was laying in front of me, now putting a hoof on her aching head.



MrSing: She had left a part of her brain behind in Equestria. Again.



“What happened?” I asked helping her off the ground and back up onto hooves again adding



Crazy56U: She was playing Counter Strike with Larry the Cable Guy, what did you

think happened, you idiot?

Scarlet: Is that what it looks like when you come down from a dimensional high?



“Haven't You been talking to Twilight about how to world jump easier Dashie? “Well,”



JofY: Have you ever heard of the quotation mark overpopulation theory? Oh, by the way. Get used to quotation marks, we’ll be seeing a lot of them.

CaptainPipsqueak: Covered that already. ‘The New Comma.’

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, I was, but Twilight had discovered that movie ‘Jumper’ and, well... ...she got mad…”



Rainbow Dash said, starting to explain.



Scarlet: “Well, for starters, ponies and people just sort of cross the dimensional boundary all the time now, and-”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Okay, there was this thing, and then this thing happened, and meanwhile a whole lot of things occurred-”

CaptainPipsqueak: Rainbow Dash explaining things would be something along the lines of “Bad shit happened. I broke a rule. Now I’m here.”



“Since I'm not aloud to travel here for the time being,



MrSing: Like any sensible species would, we had established a “no teleporting” zone over this dweebs house.



It wouldn't really be the smartest move I could make and… “Suddenly,”



CaptainPipsqueak: “So visit here aquietly, then.”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, what? Suddenly, you jumped anyway?

SC276: Suddenly, pineapples!



I stopped her mid sentence.



Crazy56U: Oh. ...you see, I didn’t make the connection that it was part of the narration since you put it in quotes.

Scarlet: Stop! Wait a minute.



“What do you mean You're not allowed to travel here, did something happen?



JofY: “What happened to your grammar?

Crazy56U: What, did Rainbow get put in time out or something?

SC276: [Rainbow] “No, I said aloud. Pay attention, you’re supposed to be my boyfriend or something.”

Scarlet: “Rainbow Miriam Dash, you didn’t attempt to smuggle churros back to Equestria again did you? You know they’re banned!”

CaptainPisqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “But they’re just so goooood!”

MrSing: You know how things have been since pony 9/11.



I thought Twilight and the others proved that cross world traveling was safe?.”



Scarlet: Yeah, nothing potentially dangerous about suddenly introducing a massive influx of land and resources to the entire human world without any sort of safety net.

Crazy56U: Eh, they did their math on a napkin, it checked out.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then someone wiped up a coffee stain. Most of the equations could still be read, though. Kinda.



“They did, and it is!” she told me in an uplifting tone. “But,” after I kind of took that whiskey bottle back with me last time,



SC276: Why did you take a whiskey bottle?

Mononeko: I don’t know, but it reminds me I need a drink to get through this.

Scarlet: Oh god, I was kidding about smuggler Dash.

Crazy56U: SC276, that is a stupid question, and you know it.



I forgot to hide it and they um, “found it...”



JofY: [Dash] “And I said that I only wanted to try… but she brought out the belt and-”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “And then they tried to take it, but I wasn’t done drinking, and then things got violent, and then I pulled out a knife-”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Still have no idea where that came from…”



she told me with a sheepish grin on her face. "So yeah, now I’m banned from cross world visiting!"



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “All because I refused to share. Assholes.”

Crazy56U: (slow clap) GG Rainbow. You managed to get blacklisted from the very

thing you helped make possible.

SC276: How is there going to be cross-world travel now? We haven’t gotten any evidence that anyone besides Rainbow can do it.

ToonGuy: Magic. They don’t have to explain it.

MrSing: Alcohol is once again the unsung hero that tried to protect us from this story.



she stated quickly, smiling up at me as the guilt and embarrassment in her voice built up. “Oh, so that's where that went.” I told her in a sly tone as Rainbow Dash continued.



JofY: Ah. Petty larceny.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bullshit. Whenever Rainbow does it it’s awesome larceny.

Crazy56U: [???] “Goddamnit, Rainbow, that was my dinner!”

Crazy56U: (vomits candy corn)

CaptainPipsqueak: Ew. People eat that stuff? The antichrist of candy?

Crazy56U: (grabs a handful of candy corn) (dumps it on your head)



“I'm so sorry man, but You can't get stuff like that back in Cloudsdale aside from Las Pegasus!



JofY: You’d think they’d want to export that kind of stuff.

Crazy56U: Well, there’s also Canterlot, but the cost for such whiskey there is obscene.

SC276: I don’t think you understand how cities work, author.

Scarlet: I don’t think he understands how booze works.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, this poor guy’s running out of things to understand. Soon he’ll forget balance.



and I well, um… wanted something to remember You by between visits.” she told me sincerely as her face turned away blushing slightly from embarrassment.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Every time I see you I just want to get shitfaced drunk. I think I might have a problem.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Well, that, and I’m too cheap to actually buy alcohol...”

MrSing: She doesn’t have a problem, stealing heavy booze from your friends is (*≧▽≦)♡ ~romantic!~ ♡ ★~(◡﹏◕✿)

JofY: AHH!!! A weaboo! *punches MrSing in the face*



“Hey, It's alright Dashie, I told her with a consoling tone as she looked up to me. “I'm just sorry that You got in trouble for bringing it back with you that's all.” I said, reassuring her that I wasn't mad at her actions.



JofY: Just soul-crushingly disappointed in her.

Crazy56U: He was crying on the inside, though, due to the loss of his bottle...

SC276: I’m not sure what’s worse, that this guy has no idea how quotation marks work, or that he can’t figure out proper writing structure otherwise.



In fact to be honest, I was flattered



MrSing: “It’s so nice of her to steal from me.”



that She was thinking about me when we were apart, though I'd be too embarrassed to tell her that.



JofY: I remember things best by drinking.

Crazy56U: Haven’t you two been dating for like three weeks now?

ToonGuy: And she’s already on the drinking phase? God, that bad?

Scarlet: Well, this guy hasn’t noticed even once the implications of his girlfriend needing booze to “remember him”.



“Twilight and the others are so overprotective with these cross world contamination laws!”



JofY: It’s almost as if some sort of virus or something could cross over, decimating an entire civilization!

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s crazy talk. You’re crazy.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hell, I washed my hooves before taking the bottle, you’d think that was enough!”

SC276: We have to maintain the world border!



Dash said angrily. "I've never gotten any sort of illness from visiting your world!,



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, yeah, I did have that diarrhea thing, but I

attribute that to Taco Bell.”

ToonGuy: Well, to be fair to Twilight, if there’s anything that’s going to wipe out entire worlds, it’s going to be found in Taco Bell.

CaptainPipsqueak: Fatburger for the win. Damn they make kickass milkshakes.

MrSing: If you mean that you feel like you’ve been kicked in the ass after eating there, than yeah.



I was given a three month travel ban and a 300bit fine by the equestrian “royal council” if you can believe it!”



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, c’mon. ‘Royal council’?! (scoff) That’s not a real

thing!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “And then I found out it was. After razzing Celestia about it. Boy, was that a dark day…”



“Didn't Twilight try and help you out at all?” I said, causing Rainbow to then let out a deep sigh, lowing her head. “Yeah, but there was little she could do at that point.”



Crazy56U: ...Twilight refused to help your dumb ass out, didn’t she?

SC276: You freakin’ stole something, what else did you expect?!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean okay, I made her watch me finish the bottle, but still…”



The look on her face getting ever redder as she continued on. “It's just not fair!, I'm the one who has the world jumping ability to begin with!



Crazy56U: Wait, I thought that Twilight had that inter-dimensional research thing?

Isn’t the point of that to make inter-dimensional avaliable for everyone?

ToonGuy: If that’s the case, insert topical joke about politics here.

Crazy56U: WOW, ToonGuy, tell us how you really feel about Donald Trump, damn...



without me, none of this would even be possible!, and they had the nerve to tell me I can't come here?, “seriously." "WHAT THE BUCK.!”



JofY: Screw politics, it’s not like life could ever depend on it.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) #LetRainbowSayFuck2016

ToonGuy: GET THE MOVEMENT SPREADING.

CaptainPipsqueak: #SayFuckNotBuck

SC276: #UseQuoteMarksCorrectly

CaptainPipsqueak: #Let’sNotGetTOOCrazySC726

JofY: #Stoptheoveruseofhashtags



she told me with a angered look as I began to approach her, putting my arms around the upset Pegasus and consolingly holding her close to me.



ToonGuy: And thus it BEGINS.

Mononeko: *gulp*, mommy, I’m scared...

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(muffled) Hey, what the, I can’t breathe!”

Scarlet: I executed my follow-up chokehold effortlessly.



“Hey, it's alright Dashie.” I said giving her a gentle hug feeling her soft coat. "And don't worry, I'll help pay that crazy fine of yours, there's got to be something around here that's worth that much in Esqestra!.



JofY: In Esqestra? Yes. In Equestria? No.

CaptainPipsqueak: What’s the exchange rate between Esqestra and Equestria anyway?

Waterpear: About 600 Esqestran btis = 1 Equestrian bit

Crazy56U: [???] “No, I’m not drunk, shut up!”

SC276: I know there’s been research about roughly how much bits are in American dollars, but I can’t be arsed to look those up now.



Looking into her big eyes I then said. "What's important right now is that you're here." as she then looked back at me, saying. “I couldn't let you do that, money always ruins friendships and I..."



JofY: You hear that everyone? If you help a friend with a loan, you are DECIMATING YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH THEM!

ToonGuy: Especially if it means that you’ll probably never see them again!

CaptainPipsqueak: Clearly the correct course of action is to point and laugh.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, the economy must be destroyed at all costs?



Suddenly, I stopped her next words with a light kiss on Dash's forehead.



JofY: How’s that face-eye coordination?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God; they’re going to fuck at some point, aren’t they?

ToonGuy: Think we established that early on.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, but sometimes I hate when we’re right.

Crazy56U: And thus begins the bestiality.

SC276: Followed by a left to the breadbasket and a right to the chops.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bread and chops. Great. Now I’m hungry.



“It's OK, I want to.”



JofY: I want to ruin our friendship.

Crazy56U: No you don’t, trust me, that’s the bad writing talking.

SC276: “Don’t do it, bear, it’s the fanfic talking!”



I told the upset mare as I began to see a light smile slowly come over Dash’s face, knowing just how much I cared about her.



JofY: Not at all.

Crazy56U: ...they’re going to plow soon, aren’t they?

SC276: Get on with it!

Scarlet: I rented a ‘70s porn music record and everything! In retrospect, I regret this!



“We'll see” Rainbow Dash said, starting to blush slightly more from the kiss I had given her. “Sorry about the rough entrance,



ToonGuy: [George Takei] OH MY.

Crazy56U: Wait, that was a rough entrance?



but I wasn't about to let some stupid travel ban stop me from seeing you!"



JofY: And that’s when the space police burst in.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Space Cop] “I swear, I thought she was going for a knife. That’s why I shot her three times!”

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, let me guess: Rainbow isn’t going to be allowed to go back home now?



The Pegasus then told me as I wiped away the tears from her eyes before slowly brushing my hand down the soft coat on her back, feeling her furs amazingly soft texture.



CaptainPipsqueak: Should we...be here any longer?

ToonGuy: Probably not. But we’re staying anyway.

Crazy56U: (depressedly drinks more Diet Coke)

SC276: Didn’t you already talk about her fur being soft? Also, who is it that gets upset at giving ponies fur instead of hair again?



“Other than flying with the Wonderbolts and spending time with my friends, I enjoy coming here and visiting You the most.”



JofY: You’re third best.

Crazy56U: yay

SC276: It’s because of YOU, isn’t it?

Scarlet: I’ve made an appropriately tiny trophy out of paper-mache!



Rainbow told me smiling. “I always look forward to seeing You too Dashie, I told her with a look of sincerity. “Thanks, you're the best most awesome friend a Pegasi could ask for!” Dash exclaimed



SC276: [Rainbow] “The friends I have that let me shoot rainbows at supervillains aren’t worth jack in comparison!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(yells at the ceiling) Yeah, you hear that?! (shakes hoof) Fuck you, Pinkie!”

Mononeko: [Pinkie] “Hey! I heard that!”



hugging me tighter before breaking off



Crazy56U: Your head? Please say she killed you and we can end this early…

Scarlet: If killing the characters was all it took to do that, don’t you think I would’ve been trying harder already?



the hug



Crazy56U: (punches a hole into the table)

Mononeko: (shakes his head disappointed) you had one chance Rainbow…

CatainPipsqueak: “YOU HAD ONE JOB!”



a few seconds later. “Now, I'm starving! what's the plan for dinner tonight?.”



CaptainPipsqueak: “I figured we’d just have a snack. Cupcakes. … Why are you looking at me like that?”

JofY: “Hors-... Nothing…”

Crazy56U: [???] “Eh, I didn’t get paid this week, so... ...you up for crackers and

ketchup?”

SC276: First step of the recipe: break up the wall into multiple paragraphs.



One of the highlights of Rainbow Dash’s trips to my world was the food, because it was only in our world that could she have such amazing things like steaks, hamburgers, or generally any kind of food with meat in it Rainbow Dash secretly craved and loved.



CaptainPipsqeak: Yeah...she sure loves the meat. Heh heh heh...

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s going to have a fucking heart attack at this rate, those are the

kill foods...

SC276: Plus I’m pretty sure she can’t eat meat. This is freakin’ Mykan all over again.



She had to keep this fact a secret in her world as generally, ponies were vegetarians and frowned greatly at eating any kind of meat.



JofY: ...Ah, taboos. Aren’t they grand?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I have one one of a skull on my forearm. … Wait; you said ‘taboo’ didn’t you?

Crazy56U: Please, Twilight had bacon and loved that shit. ...you know, assuming that

Equestria Girls takes place in this world...

SC276: Pretty sure that’s biologically impossible.

Crazy56U: You can accomplish any impossible task if you try hard enough. Also, horses can’t puke, and yet Pinkie did just that in that episode where Applejack was sleep-deprived and almost murdered everyone.

SC276: You’re trying to make an excuse for MLP ponies not acting like real ponies by quoting Pinkie?

Crazy56U: Hey, I’m not proud of my actions either, but there you go.

CaptainPipsqueak: *Meanwhile, in Ponyville* [Pinkie] “Ear-flap, rear hoof two-tap...Somepony’s talking about me!”



“Well, we could always get those cheese steaks like last time,” I asked. “They're good and everything. But ever since my last visit I've really been craving some of that awesome pizza we had!”



JofY: Instead of the boring pizza.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve had some boring pizza in my time. The best way to tell if it’s good pizza is if you can eat it cold from the fridge and think to yourself ‘This doesn’t need heating.’

Crazy56U: Split the difference: cheesesteak pizza. I think Domino’s still sells it...

SC276: I’d like twenty.



Dash said looking at me with an enthusiastic smile.”



“Alright it's settled then, pizza for dinner it is!"



CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you mind if I invite my turtle friends to come along?”

ToonGuy: “Also, if a rat comes to the door, don’t kill it. He’s their chaperone.”

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, a fat orange cat waits outside and plots to steal their pizza before becoming CGI again and becoming a fucking annoy- look, I just rewatched the Garfield movie recently, and I have regrets...

SC276: Don’t watch the sequel then.

Crazy56U: Maybe you should say that to Past Crazy56U then. (begins openly sobbing)



I said starting to think that there was only "one" pizza place in my area that we liked to order from,



Crazy56U: Funnily enough, it was actually the Taco Bell...

SC276: Like, one of those combo restaurants that has a Pizza Hut Express menu, or were they getting Mexican Pizza because I swear that’s a thing?

Crazy56U: Yes.



already knowing what kind of toppings Rainbow Dash had in mind, It was the her favorite,



ToonGuy: I’m glad it was the her favorite, I’d hate if it was just her favorite. Totally take me out of the immersive story.

CaptainPipsqueak: If there were “two” or even “three” there might be an entire page devoted to deciding.

Crazy56U: (reads from “Pizza Place” menu) Let’s see… “The Her Favorite”... ...dear

God, that’s an obscene amount of topping…...

CaptainPipsqueak: Two pounds of bacon. Geez, I’m surprised it doesn’t go straight to her hips.



with spicy pepperoni, mushrooms, ham, “with sausage” and really anything other meat they had for toppings she really enjoyed.



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank God Dash lives alone. I do not want to be in her house half an hour later.

Waterpear: I really don’t want to know what the “with sausage” is made from.

CaptainPipsqueak: Homeless people.

Crazy56U: Like, seriously, you see my point? That is way too much topping!

SC276: So, you ordered a meat lover’s?



After I finished ordering the most toppings on a pizza they probity ever had received,



JofY: Because, ordering everything, doesn’t exist.

ToonGuy: Of course it doesn’t! Haven’t you heard, it’s probity the most they’ve ever had!

Crazy56U: Hey now, the night is young, and I have it on high authority that stoners like pizza...



I sat down on one of the bar stools on the other side of the kitchen counter as Rainbow Dash was quick to join me, flying over and sitting on the adjacent stool,



CaptainPipsqueak: Walking that short distance clearly being below her...

Crazy56U: You know what would fix this story? It suddenly becoming a “Cheers”

crossover for no good reason…

CaptainPipsqueak: FUCK. YOU.

Crazy56U: Hey now, I could’ve made a worse comment due to the mention of bar

stools...



me



CaptainPipsqueak: ...you…?

Mononeko: ...gusta?

SC276: A long long way to run!

Crazy56U: I ran so far away...



seeing the look of excitement and anticipation for the delicious pizza that was on the Pegasus's face was priceless.



Crazy56U: Seriously, you are going to kill her if you let her eat that, I’m calling it now!



“Man this pizza's gonna be so awesome! can. not. wait.”



Mononeko: must. resist. to. say. something.

Crazy56U: why are we whispering?



Rainbow Dash said ecstatically. “They said it should be here in ten to fifteen minutes.”



CaptainPipsqueak: Only if they microwaved it.

Crazy56U: Five hours later, Rainbow had burned down the house in outrage of the

pizza not arriving. What’s His Face died in the blaze.

Mononeko: YAAAAY!



Ugh, wish I could make time go faster...” She muttered to herself looking over at the clock in the living room.



ToonGuy: There’s a time and a place for mucking around!

SC276: No one mention anything Superman’s done to her.

Crazy56U: And then, inspired by the clock, Rainbow decided to try and build a time machine. All she ultimately did was break the microwave. What’s His Face died in the blaze.



“So Dash, how have things been going with the Wonderbolts?” I asked. “Pretty good,” Rainbow Dash said looking back in my direction.



JofY: “Still haven’t hired me yet…”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “You just wait; I’ll create my own stunt team! Yeah...yeah!”

Mononeko: With blackjack and hookers?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, I haven’t been fired yet, so…”



"We just got back from a show in Saddle Arabia that was pretty awesome. "The highlight of the show was when Soarin and Spitfire showed off this new move called the triple rotation double loop dive,



CaptainPipsqueak: I try to envision that and my nose bleeds. Is that normal?

SC276: Honestly, flight moves just seemed to be named randomly to me.

Crazy56U: AKA. a barrel roll, Star Fox 64 style.



”I of course” were the most talented of everypony there thanks to my now signature move, “The Triple Sonic Rain Boom!”



JofY: it ruins everyones gramma

ToonGuy: What yu mean, budy

SC276: (There’s a pile of syntax rules in this trash heap.)

Crazy56U: FUCK ME, “DOUBLE RAINBOOM” IS CANON IN THIS STORY



She exclaimed in a cocky tone throwing her hooves up in the air. “A triple sonic rain boom huh... "Can you even do that?" I asked suspiciously.



Mononeko: Oh god no, as if a double rainboom wasn’t bad enough already.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Dude, do you even know who I am?!”



“Of course I can!” she stated confidently. “I can't pull it off all the time,



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Because it requires me to do a line of coke before hand,

and I have to use it sparingly; Fluttershy charges an obscene amount for it…”



but with the other Wonderbolts amazing moves,



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Which are just… just awful...”



I just had to one up em!” Rainbow said as she pointed a hoof to her chest



SC276: You were trying to show up your teammates? With a dangerous move given the crazy speeds you have to do for just one burst?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, Rainbow, did you learn nothing from that “Wonderbolts Academy” episode?! Showboating is dangerous!



than looking at me with suspicion. “Why, you don't think I did it?” Dash asked me with a sly tone in her voice. “Well then... If that's the case then maybe I'll just have to show You first hoof!”



JofY: Let’s destroy everything!

CaptainPipsqueak: Can I bring the grenade launcher?

ToonGuy: I’ll get the sledgehammer.

SC276: (pulls out flint and steel) 420 blaze it!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(punches ??? in the nose) And now, second hoof! (proceeds to break ???’s jaw)”



“As much as I'd love to see that Dash, I don't think it would be the best idea, considering you'd probity break every window within 300 miles I told her jokingly.



ToonGuy: Yes, she ‘probity’ will, taking that last set of quotations marks with her no doubt.

SC276: Um, three hundred miles would cover the entire state of Nevada.

Crazy56U: That’s not a joke, dipshit, windows are expensive.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not to mention something like that would also kill everyone within three hundred miles.



“I'll take your word for it alright." I said, patting her on the back.



“OK fine..." But I’m taking You to see our next show so can witness my moves first well, “Hand!” The Rainbow mare said looking down at my hands.



JofY: ...Good job, Dash. Can you tell me where the foot is next?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey, what happened to your thumbs?!”

[???] “(embarrassed) Ah, well, you see, I owed someone money-”



A confused expression then quickly came over her face as I asked. “How could I see your show,



Crazy56U: Well, on the television, obviously, but that requires a cable subscription,

however you can watch it online, but that requires an Internet connection an-



I thought humans couldn't travel back to Equestria?”



JofY: Darn you, B.S.

SC276: If other ponies can travel with Dash to this would, why can’t humans go the other way?

Crazy56U: Oh. ...why are we still on this Wonderbolts thing, that isn’t going to amount to anything in this story! ...probably!



Well, um. Rainbow Dash thought for a few seconds, suddenly remembering something that Twilight had told her as she then said. “Yeah, I guess You're right, I umm. I forget sometimes” she uttered out looking down at the floor as I then placed one of my hands on her neck consolingly telling her.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash]: “Hey! Bad touch, buddy…”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “GAH! (flinches) Dude, your hand is freezing!”



“Hey, hey, It’s alright Dashie, but there's something I just don’t understand, If you guys can cross into my world and take books and stuff, why can’t I just go back with You into Your world?”



JofY: This is how to tell if she’s actually into you, or just mooching.

Crazy56U: [???] “What, I mean, it’s not like you got me blacklisted as well. Right?”

[Rainbow Dash] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

SC276: That’s what I just asked!



Rainbow Dash looked puzzled for a minute, then saying the first thing she could think of hastily.



JofY: “I… I hate sand!”

ToonGuy: “It’s coarse and rough and irritating. Just like you!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “If there were two guys on the moon and one of them

killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rainbow Dash] “Hey; who did put the ‘bop’ in the ‘bopshoobopshoobop’?”



“I guess we’ll um, have to ask Twilight next time we see her about that." Rainbow Dash told me with a nervous tone in her voice.



JofY: She’s hiding something! Press her!

Mononeko: Hold It!

ToonGuy: I thought we didn’t want sex in this.

Crazy56U: And thus, the story takes a turn for the LA Noire...



I could tell by her reaction that she was maybe hiding something, but I didn’t want to press the matter.



JofY: Oh… I was actually joking there.

Crazy56U: But he said he wasn’t going to press it. Technically, it’s still a joke!



“Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me."



Crazy56U: A shitty plan, mind you, but it is a plan!



“Her glance then looked towards the big bowl of fruit



Crazy56U: Well, apparently Rainbow brought a pet with her to Earth… ...why not Tank,

though...



I had on the countertop as Rainbow Dash started to reach out one of her hooves, proceeding to grab an apple from the bowl and roll it across the to her,



SC276: Sailing across the To Her: what George Washington did after crossing the Delaware.

Crazy56U: Little did Rainbow know that she just grabbed a wax apple...



taking a nice big bite out of it. “These are so sweet!, why is everything more awesome here?”



ToonGuy: You’re right. Not being able to fly naturally or use magic is pretty awesome.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, we do have Netflix! We got that going for us!

CaptainPipsqueak: And Dairy Queen!

JofY: Plus, we have war.



she asked, turning to me after taking a few more bites of the juicy yellow apple. “They can’t be better then one of Applejack’s apples right?” I asked. “Well, Dash thought about it for a few seconds then saying. “I guess AJ's are better overall. “But these are a close second!”



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, wouldn’t want to offend the redneck hick who’s in a totally different dimension, would you?

Crazy56U: No, you see, Rainbow is actually cheating on ??? with Applejack, it makes

sense...



“Oh my gosh!



JofY: What did you just say?

Crazy56U: Oh, hey-



oh my gosh!



JofY: Could you repeat that?

Crazy56U: I didn’t know-



oh my gosh!



JofY: Oh… Huh?

Captainpipsqueak: Dude, shut up or she’ll never stop.

Crazy56U: Rainbow liked Usher!



She then said ecstatically as her eyes widened. “I can only dream of what the cider must taste like from one of these apples! you gotta get some so I can try it.



ToonGuy: Ah, she’s clearly mooching. Romance is just a ploy by this addict for a new stash!

Crazy56U: Jesus, Rainbow, being with this guy is making you alcohol-dependent...

SC276: What does alcoholic cider even taste like compared to non-alcoholic?

CaptainPipsqueak: Sort of like sweet beer.



"Isn't your world getting into that season right now?" she inquired.



Mononeko: Oooh, so THAT’S the reason this guy is so attracted to her…

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Getting into season’ huh?

Crazy56U: Yeah, when does this take place, actually? I mean, months were

mentioned... just not which months...



That look of pure joy and cuteness she had in those violet eyes at the moment where almost too much for me to bare.



JofY: And, he’s dead.

CaptainPipsqueak: After he stripped the look naked.

SC276: Why are you reminding her of the home she’s a fugitive from?!

Crazy56U: Let me guess, his heart exploded twice?



I always made sure to have the bowl fully stocked with all kinds of fruit for when Rainbow Dash and her five friends visited.



JofY: Unfortunately it was usually fake.

CaptainPipsqueak: The fact that Rainbow still found them delicious was worrying.

Crazy56U: And 9 times outta 10, it’s just full of apples, lest he put up with a rant from Applejack.



They always enjoyed what I picked out because a lot of the different fruits they didn't have back in Equestria.



ToonGuy: Such as? I’m not saying it’s impossible, just asking for specifics.

Crazy56U: Like the Grapple, for one.



“Okay, I'll be sure I have the fridge stocked with cider for you to try on your next visit." I told her with a reassuring tone in my voice.



CaptainPisqueak: “And I promise it won’t be the alcoholic kind!” *crosses fingers*

Crazy56U: Yep, completely full of cider. Screw having food or shelves in your fridge,

fuck it, wall to wall cider just to please the flying rainbow horse, that’s the way!



“Oh, thank you thank you thank you!” she said excitingly, starting to reach across the the short distance between the bar stools holding me tightly with her forehooves as both her wings wrapped themselves around my back, embracing me ever so gently.



JofY: The embracing strangulation.

SC276: Rainbow Dash. Excited and gentle at the same time. Rainbow Dash.

CaptainPipsqueak: Wow; the real Rainbow Dash is gonna be pissed. Chrysalis is probably laughing her ass off right now.

Crazy56U: ...Rainbow’s wings are not long enough to actually do that. ...either she’s

the size of an actual horse on Earth, or ??? is practically flat.



“Your so awesome.” Dash whispered in my ear as she hugged me, her warm cyan coat pushing up closely against my chest as I felt her soft rainbow mane beside my face, ushering me to nozzle against her.



CaptainPipsqueak: He then sprayed her with cold water. The screams were comedy gold.

ToonGuy: Oh, so Candid Camera still exists.

SC276: Smile!

JofY: NEVER!!!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, that’s what happens when you put your face near a nozzle.

Crazy56U: Uh oh, ??? was so turned on, he turned into a gas pump.



I was kind of taken back at Dash’s reaction to me just saying I was going to have some apple cider for her, but then again, It was her favorite drink. Aside from rum and coke that is,



ToonGuy: More signs of being a addict! Will she never stop!

Crazy56U: Is it really smart to mix cocaine and alcohol?



of which Rainbow Dash “loved” among various other alcoholic drinks I liked to mix for her when she visited.



SC276: Oh so you’re an expert cocktail maker then. That would’ve been nice to know before now!

CaptainPipsqueak: *considers making crude joke about ‘cock’ and ‘tail’ but holds back*

Crazy56U: Mixing drinks is easy if you just pour them at the same time!



Never liking to get drunk to the point of passing out but just get a nice buzz going and relax on my couch after a long day of Wonderbolt practice or cloud duty, which Dash liked to volunteer for on the times of year that had the more cloudy days that needed extra help clearing up.



SC276: So… at least she’s not drinking and flying? Also, is the cider not being mentioned as being with or without alcohol in Equestria a sign the author is not-American?

Crazy56U: ...that is what we are ending the chapter on. A hug and the Narrator monologuing on Rainbow’s alcohol dependency. Why.



Chapter Two: Dinner With A Dash Of Rainbow



Waterpear: cartoon horse is not a condiment

JofY: But it is a spice.

Crazy56U: You’re adding rainbow sprinkles to your pizza?! The fuck?!

SC276: And I thought pineapple was freakin’ weird...



Still holding onto me in an embrace, her eyes stirred into mine.



JofY: Next, you pour in the milk.

CaptainPipsqueak: ~Crack crack crack the eggs into the bowl…~

Crazy56U: Their eyes are physically touching? ...ow...



As I looked back into her beautiful magenta eyes, I saw she had an intense nervous look on her face that told me she was just as unsure about what was happening between us as I was.



JofY: Well, it appears to be the local production of Hamlet.

Mononeko: (Schwarzenegger voice) To be, or not to be? Not to be.

CaptainPipsqueak: "Now you fucked up!"

Crazy56U: Well, at least it’s better than the sequel.



Gazing back just as tensely looking at the cyan blue Pegasus in front of me, I thought that nothing had ever looked so beautiful in my life.



ToonGuy: “Mind you, I am legally blind.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “And have no taste whatsoever.”

Crazy56U: “Rainbow is the first and only thing that ever willingly agreed to date me,

FYI.”



But I was unsure if she felt the same way about me...



SC276: And of course you can’t ask directly because that’s rude for no reason.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also she’d probably kick the shit out of you.

Crazy56U: Again, you’ve been dating for three weeks!



Rainbow Dash looked away for a few seconds, then looking back at my ever nervous expression, she started to say. “Hey um, are you thirsty?.” she said in a quiet whispered tone looking deep into my eyes. “I uh, I could use a drink.”



JofY: SHOTS!!!

CaptainPipsqueak: “Do I get to drink them off your belly?”

Crazy56U: (pulls out a canister of gas) Got ya covered, Rainbow.



I stated back, moving my eyes away from her to look at the various beverages I had around the kitchen.



SC276: If I hadn’t read some of the fanfics we go through, I’d question why someone has that much booze.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, all he had left in terms of drinks was Mr. Pig.



Dash then all of a sudden put one of her hooves up to the side of my face and pulled my head back to look at her as she softly uttered. “No, not “that” kind of drink. “I asked if you were thirsty.”



JofY: “No, but I am hungry. Where’s that pizza?”

Crazy56U: (instantly worried) Uh-



she said in a playful tone, smirking at me slyly as her head tilted to one side.



Before I could think about what Dash meant, she moved her face closer to mine. Her four hooves along with her cyan wings embracing me ever tighter as the feathers on them slowly cascaded back and forth down my back.



CaptainPipsqueak: There was a wet crack and Rainbow took the wallet from his corpse. With a smirk, she returned to Equestria - the exchange rate for human dollars was amazing.

ToonGuy: Thus ended the first cut scene for the new Grand Theft Auto game.

Mononeko: How I wish that game was real...

SC276: Who is desperate enough to try and slate their thirst with someone else’s saliva?!

JofY: …*starts whistling innocently*

Crazy56U: OH GOD, HERE WE GO!



Which was giving me a tickling sensation that caused me to fall into a trance as we moved closer, me embracing her just as tightly now, and our faces slowly moved in for a kiss.



ToonGuy: SOUND THE KLAXON. We’re going into dangerous waters here!

SC276: I don’t want to do this tonight, I got a headache.

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your excuse for everything.

Crazy56U: IT BEGINS!



Then, right as our lips were about to touch I heard a loud “DING DONG!” shortly right after that hearing someone say. “PIZZA!”



SC276: Pizza saves the day once again!

Crazy56U: (to the sky) Thank you, pizza.



We quickly stopped what we were doing, breaking the close embrace and moving our heads away from each other. Hearing that loud doorbell that made my heart as well as Rainbow Dash’s explode (twice.)



JofY: Okay, story’s over.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I’m about done here too.

ToonGuy: The length of the document says otherwise.

SC276: We’re only halfway there?!

Crazy56U: CALLED IT!



With the both of us now turning our attention to the door.



JofY: Oh no! They’ve become zombies!

Crazy56U: They were waiting for it to open so they could get on the floor...



“Well, you’d better get that.” the blue Pegasus said as she jumped off the bar stool to go hide behind the couch in my living room.



ToonGuy: Odd time for a game of peek-a-boo!

Crazy56U: Rainbow hates strangers. Fact.



“Man, you really startled me, you should really say “Pizza” first. Then if no one answers. Ring the bell.



Mononeko: [Pizza Guy]: Bitch don’t tell me what to do!

Crazy56U: [Pizza Guy] “...you know what, fuck it, you don’t get pizza today. (leaves

with the pizza)”



“Yeah,” I'll try and remember that... The pizza guy told me sarcastically.



SC276: The pizza guy is us. The pizza guy is officially the best character in this story.

Crazy56U: Pizza Guy is our own personal Jesus.

CaptainPipsqueak: But only if he brings us the pizza.



After I had paid for the pizza, I saw Rainbow Dash peek out from behind the couch.



JofY: Unfortunately, the Pizza Guy hadn’t actually left yet, and one murder later…

ToonGuy: Rapidly feels like an episode of Fargo.

Crazy56U: Or the movie Fargo. ...if you watched it on LSD...



“Hey It's safe now Dashie, you can come out now!.” I signaled.



ToonGuy: With quotation marks….somehow.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No! This is comfy, I live here now!”



The mare then jumped over the arm of the couch and walked up to me, flapping her wings to hover up into the counter,



SC276: Headlong into it?!

CaptainPipsqueak: And breaking a leg. At least this Rainbow Dash is just as incompetent as the real one.

Mononeko: I knew it! This WAS all just the narrator’s fucked up fantasy!

Crazy56U: And then some oranges fell over.



sitting next to where I had placed the pizza box and had begun to get out plates to begin serving our slices.



“Hey look um, I'm sorry if I seemed to be moving a little fast back there dude,



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Well it is in my name, but you get what I mean.”

Crazy56U: In fact, it was so fast, I legit think you two were about to fuck!



“I just ugh. she sighs. "Think You're really cool and…All of sudden, I heard a loud rumbling sound coming from Rainbow Dash's stomach.



ToonGuy: “I HUNGER FOR SOULS.”

CaptainPipsqueak: "RAAAAAAGH!!!!!"

SC276: And now Rainbow Dash is speaking in third person.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow exploded. THE END



Abruptly cutting her off in mid sentence. “I think You're really cool to Dashie,” I told her sincerely. “But actually for right now, “I think we should just focus on the pizza.” She then just smiled at me, saying. “Sounds like a plan to me!”



ToonGuy: Broken record much?

SC276: *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!”

Crazy56U: (punches the story) “-plan to me!” *skip* “-plan to me!” *skip* Damn it, this works for Fonzie!

JofY: ...Why are you two just repeating “-plan to me!” over and over?

Crazy56U: Why do you hate having fun?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah; you some sort of funazi or somethin’?



I guess Dashie had forgotten with everything that had happened of how incredibly hungry she'd become it seemed I thought.



Crazy56U: ...what?



Opening up the pizza box made Rainbow Dash gasp with excitement. “Oh Celestia, look at all the toppings!" she said in awe.



JofY: [Celestia] “I’m blind you ass!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “I’m not even there! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I wanted tacos!”



“That sure does look good!, Let's eat!”



SC276: Ikkitakumas!

Crazy56U: Gesundheit.



“Oh wait a second, I just remembered. “I have one more surprise for us tonight!.”



JofY: “I’m bringing over my boyfriend!”

Crazy56U: Is the surprise that the story is over soon?



Hastily opening up one of the cabinet doors as I took out one of Rainbow Dashes favorite mix drinks rum and coke! “Oh... Now this is bucken perfect.”



JofY: My favorite drink? Man, this sucks.

Crazy56U: BUCK IS NOT A SWEAR GODDAMNIT!



Said the Pegasus with a smooth and relaxed tone in her voice.



SC276: What is with Dash and alcohol in this story, are you freakin’ kidding me?

Crazy56U: We need to hold an Intervention.



“Thought You'd like that.” I said confidently



SC276: ...Oh wait, this is the guy that went to get the drink. I thought Rainbow went to get it so I could say something about how he somehow managed to see into the future that she’d do that.

Crazy56U: This is the kind of confusion that occurs when you abuse quotation marks like this. Please donate money to the People for Ethical Treatment of Quotation Marks to end this travesty once and for all.



starting to get out some glasses while I mixed the rum and coke together in them.



ToonGuy: There goes both of their livers.

Crazy56U: Nah, I doubt Rainbow’s liver has been intact for a while now...



“Bring the bottle over.” She commanded pointing a hoof. “I want to have some fun tonight!”



JofY: “We’re going to play some football in tuxedos!”

ToonGuy: “And if you don't come, you’re just a chicken, cheeeep-cheep cheep!”

SC276: Drinking and then sex. That’s the entire plot, just watch.

Crazy56U: You want fun, go outside. Fun exists there.

Nox: What is this… Outside you speak of?



“Not sure what that means...” I thought. "Well, Maybe I do?" and what if that doorbell hadn't gone off earlier, would we have..."kissed?"



ToonGuy: “Nuh uh! Because of the cootie plague!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; she’d have jammed her ovipositor down his throat and laid her eggs in his stomach.

Crazy56U: Worse. You would’ve French kissed… (shudder)



“No, come on now!” I can’t jump to any conclusions, It’d just make dinner more awkward for the both of us, which was last thing I want to do. At least I knew now that Dash must've had feelings for me as I did for her, does she want to be my



mare -friend?



SC276: Weird place for a sudden paragraph break, author. What, did you hit the text limit on the previous line?

Crazy56U: No, that was his pitiful attempt at building tension...



“I had to stop my mind from racing and ruin the evening I had planned for us, think of the pizza, think of the pizza.



JofY: Think of the innocent pizza!

ToonGuy: OH THE HUMANITY!

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Pizzaity’. Racist.

ToonGuy: Hey! Many of my best friends are pizzas….I should really get out more.

Mononeko: “Hello, I’m Mononeko. Did you know thousands of pizza slices are eaten all over the world each month?”

Crazy56U: (is eating a slice of pizza) Yeah, the fuck dude?



I repeated to myself silently as we headed over to the dinner table.



Mononeko: While rocking my head back and forth like a madman.

SC276: “Must… resist… urge… to… make out… with… animal…!”

Crazy56U: “Focus on food, not on horse!”



Reaching the table and putting my mind to rest at last, I placed the bottle of rum with the two glasses mixed with the run and coke



SC276: Run and coke a bitch.

Crazy56U: Well, doing cocaine does tend to make one faster...



down as Rainbow Dash took her seat at the end of the six chaired table, while I sat down at the opposite end.



ToonGuy: Waste of perfectly good chairs.

SC276: The guy seems to live alone. Why would he have six chairs, in case one spontaneously combusts?

Crazy56U: He’s just dying for the day he can host a game of Musical Chairs...



Rainbow Dash Immediately dug into her piece of pizza, stretching a long string of cheese from the plate to her mouth. The site made me quietly chuckle to myself saying, “It's that good huh?”



JofY: “This riffing site is hilarious.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “That Captain Pipsqueak guy is the best!”

ToonGuy: “ToonGuy is so HANDSOME!”

SC276: “This SC guy, though, his humor stretches kind of thin and he uses too many obscure references.”

Crazy56U: “And that Crazy guy... God, I loathe him!”



"Mmm, You bet!.” Rainbow Dash exclaimed nodding her head as she continued to eat the delicious pizza, stopping only for a few seconds to take a quick sip of the mixed drink on the side of her plate, before continuing to gorge. Taking a bite myself I had to agree with her, this was the most delicious mixture of toppings on a pizza I had ever tasted!



JofY: It had just the right amount of dead baby.

CaptainPipsqueak: Along with crunchy cockroach and rat crap. He did ask for everything, after all.

SC276: I forgot, do we have any indication of toppings besides meat lover’s?

Crazy56U: No. The pizza is basically 90% meat, 10% pizza.



the run and coke went pretty good with it also.



Waterpear: I lost so much weight since I started drinking rum and coke.

CaptainPipsqueak: It gives the added benefit of not having to drink diet soda. That stuff is vile.

Crazy56U: This is a shitty pizza party.



After we each had a few more bites, the both of us finished off our first plates as Rainbow Dash asked me. “Hey, you want another piece?.” Nah I’m good, that was a pretty big slice; I’m stuffed!”



JofY: How about a mint?

SC276: No, that’s what the teddy bear says.

Crazy56U: You’re giving up after one slice, dude? (scoff) I’m surprised Rainbow still wants to date you. Rainbow’s eaten bigger pizzas than that.





Dash then immediately got up off her chair, going to get a second piece. Galloping with hast into the kitchen



ToonGuy: But not haste, for that would be too fast even for her.

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Hast’. Slightly faster than fast, slightly slower than haste.

SC276: They’re not eating in the same room as the pizza? Author, have you ever had pizza before?

Crazy56U: She then proceeded to slam her head into the counter again, causing more

oranges to fall.



and flying up to hover over the pizza box. Biting a piece by the crust with her teeth, she flew back to sit in her chair, continuing to eat while occasionally looking in my direction taking a sip of the mixed drink.



ToonGuy: For god’s sake, Dash, SWALLOW ONCE IN A WHILE! And yeah, I know.

Crazy56U: I hope ??? knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver...



Thinking to myself, I wondered just how a four foot tall Pegasi could have a bigger appetite than me?



Crazy56U: Fuck it, I’m reusing it:





(Must be from all that flying) I concluded.



ToonGuy: Well that was informative.

JofY: And now I know!

CaptainPipsqueak: “And knowing is half the battle!”

SC276: G-I-JOOOOOOOOOE!!

Crazy56U: Well… you’re not wrong...



The ambient light that was showing from a few candles I had lit in the middle of the table reflected off of her beautiful rainbow mane as she took an even longer sip from the straw in the mixed drink. “I returned in kind with taking an equally long sip from my glass as Rainbow Dash asked me in a soft and alluring tone.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Pass the anchovies?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “You need a napkin, dude? You got pizza all over your

face…”



“So, I was wondering...”



“Have You ever wanted to know what it was like to fly like a Pegasus?”



JofY: No.

ToonGuy: Not really.

CaptainPipsqueak: Can’t say the thought ever struck me.

SC276: Pretty sure if I did, I’d risk dropping my laptop.

Crazy56U: No, but I have wondered what it would be like to be a dog, so...



Yeah actually, I always wondered what it was like to fly. “With wings” I mean.



Crazy56U: Bullshit, you want a jetpack and you know it.



A slight smile showed on her face at my nervousness to her question. “Well, It's kind of like driving really fast on a motorcycle only...Through the sky, and the feeling of your wings in the fast wind is amazing!”



ToonGuy: …...Really!? You….You didn’t want to edit this not one little bit?

Mononeko: Do you honestly expect ‘yes’ as an answer?

SC276: How do either of them know what driving a motorcycle is like?

Crazy56U: All I choose to take away from this is that I need to play “Super

Scribblenauts” again sometime...



Riding on jet streams and flying fast through clouds. "When I'm up there, It's like a whole other world.”



JofY: Oh, hai Alladin.



Dash said with wonder in her eyes, looking at me intently.



Mononeko: I’m sure looking at him has a purpose in some way.

Crazy56U: ...did Rainbow get a contact high?



“That sounds so amazing Dashie, you're making me want to have wings even more!” I told Her. “If you had wings, I think you'd be a natural born Wonderbolt!”



ToonGuy: As opposed to those poser born Wonderbolts.

Crazy56U: Or the modern day Icarus, crashing into the ground like a rock...



Rainbow Dash exclaimed, taking another sip of her drink. “Aw, thanks Dash. “But I’d never be as fast as you though.” I told the Rainbow mare as she thought for a minute, then saying in a bolstering tone. “Yeah, you’re probably right...”



“Classic Rainbow Dash”



JofY: Opposed to the Neo Rainbow Dash.

SC276: Neo Rainbow City.

Crazy56U: Oh God, she turned into G3 Rainbow Dash...



I thought, adding. “Well, now that I think about it, “ I could probably be able to pull off “four” sonic rainbooms in a row if I had wings!” I confidently told her.



Mononeko: I’m wondering, in which cartoon universe would he end up if he actually managed to do that?

SC276: Hopefully one where he dies instantly.

Crazy56U: No, you’d fly into some power lines and die instantly. Idiot.



“Yeah, that would probity happen on the same day I grew hands!” Dash said as we both then started laughing contagiously, almost falling out of our chairs as the rum and coke we’d been drinking seemed to make everything insanely funny.



ToonGuy: Well, I hope it was worth it. Alcohol poisoning is a bitch.

Crazy56U: (shakes head) If only Rainbow knew about Equestria Girls...



Coming to our senses at long last, Rainbow Dash began looking at me Intently, saying. “There are lots of ways of flying without wings ya know.” The mare told me as her eyes were becoming slightly glazed over from the alcohol. “Like taking Drugs?”



JofY: Yes.

ToonGuy: This is your writing ability on drugs.

SC276: (smashes stuff with a frying pan) And this is your school life…!

JofY: Sure, just break my things… Why is it only my shit that gets broken anyway?

ToonGuy: Because why not.

Crazy56U: (kicks table over) Because we like you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also, our stuff’s too valuable to break. Seriously, dude; buy some better gear.

JofY: *unintelligible grumbling*

Nox: I’ll ship you some of my furniture for them to break in exchange for Magic the

Gathering cards.

JofY: Nah. I just need to hurt them back.





Crazy56U: ...rude, much?

JofY: YOU BREAK MY SHIT!

Nox: So, no magic cards then?

Crazy56U: Really rude!



I asked her, Immediately thinking of how stupid that sounded, looking away as I blushed from embarrassment. “No, guess again. “Dash said in a soft tone. “ Um, flying in a jet fighter?"



“Nope, try again stud."



JofY: Then I guess my stud finder is broken.

CaptainPipsqueak: What was that?

Crazy56U: Just be glad he didn’t reference Family Guy, I think they did a stud finder

joke once...



Rainbow Dash said, starting to run one of her hooves around the edges of the now almost empty glass, looking at me with a small grin as swat was starting to gather along the edges of my four head.



ToonGuy: First of all, FOUR HEADS?! Are you a Hydra? Secondly, SWAT’s a necessity for anything that has four heads!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, then, everything’s going just as it should be.

SC276: Why, because he’s going to get swatted?

Crazy56U: Well, yes, but not right now...



Now knowing if I didn't get the next guess right she would be probably get fed up.



Crazy56U: As she should have by now...



Of the two answers I had bouncing around my head, I knew one of them would probably just get me bucked upside the head,



Crazy56U: I fucking hate you.



and the other one would be correct.



ToonGuy: Or both of them are wrong….it’s an option.

Crazy56U: Ironically, they were both the same question...



I quickly went with my gut, unsure of my answer as I looked into Dash's eyes and said…



Mononeko: “I’d like to use a lifeline”

Crazy56U: [???] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

Nox: This might take him awhile.



End of Chapter 2.



JofY: ...That’s an odd thing to say.

CaptainPipsqeak: Especially out loud. Think he’s drunk?

Crazy56U: Ah, the cliffhanger. The cheapest way to make tension ever...



Chapter Three: To Dance With A Rainbow



SC276: In the pale moonlight?

Crazy56U: “Dancing With The Stars” sure is getting desperate...



“Um, dancing? I asked, continuing to look at her nervously. “Correct!”



JofY: ...That’s bullshit!

ToonGuy: She spent all night coming up with those questions.

Crazy56U: Yay, he wins the prize! More story!

Nox: I think more questions would have been a better prize.

Crazy56U: Well, this isn’t a good game show, so...



Dash said with an enthusiastic look on Her face. “I uh, I never really danced before Dash.” I told her as I looked at the ever grinning Pegasus. “You never danced before, seriously!” Added Rainbow Dash.



SC276: And you have?

Crazy56U: Yes, Rainbow, he can’t dance. He can’t talk. Only thing about him is the way that he walks.



“Well ya know, I've never really danced with (anyone) persay.



SC276: I don’t think you understand how emphasis works.

JofY: Persay.

Crazy56U: Teach us about emphasis, Josh.



“But. if a song's really good, I've been known to get down pretty hard!



JofY: Aka, faint, foaming at the mouth.

ToonGuy: Oh we know how you ‘go down’ Dashie.

JofY: Yeah, I just said, faint, foaming at the mouth.

Crazy56U: In fact, here’s a song that ??? probably likes!



um, by myself that is… “By yourself huh? is that a code word for something?” Rainbow Dash asked with a smirk, turning her head slightly to the side.



JofY: Yes, correct. Dancing does indeed mean masturbation.

Crazy56U: Yep, it’s code for “doing meth”.



“What? no!” I said hastily.



JofY: “I’m a pure snowflake!”

Crazy56U: [???] “I don’t even own a DDR game!”



“I'm sure you've been dancing a lot of times before,” I asked her quickly.



JofY: “...By dancing, you mean sex, right?”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Mmmmmmmaybe…?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “No.”



“Well, maybe sometimes when I go to clubs with the Wonderbolts after the stunt shows. Those party's can get pretty crazy!”



JofY: And by that- Okay, this joke is starting to get stupid.

Crazy56U: Yeah, the club can’t even handle ‘em, they get so nuts...



But I have to confess, I never really dance with anypony when I go with them,” I usually just own the whole dance floor by myself with the moves I can pull off!.”



JofY: “Nobody else can dance while I’m on stage!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Literally. I used to think Twilight was a terrible dancer.

SC276: How can you be awesome at solo dancing and not think you have the rhythm for dancing with a partner?

Crazy56U: So, in other words, you don’t know how to dance?



Rainbow Dash said with the utmost confidence. “Really?, I'd love to see some of those moves.”



JofY: Oh, it’s up, up, up, up, up, up, up………

Mononeko: down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start?

SC276: ~Now I’ll play you all night~

Crazy56U: No, Rainbow, you gotta say it like this: SHOW ME YA MOVES!



I uttered with every ounce of confidence I could muster up. “It Was probably the alcohol talking at that moment I thought; but that wasn't really a big deal seeing as how I was probably about to dance with Rainbow Dash!



JofY: There is no greater dancer!

SC276: Has evidence been shown that Rainbow can dance?

Nox: TAKE THAT! I think this shows that Rainbow can indeed dance.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, just shut up and dance, already!



Looking down at my empty glass for a moment and then looking over to see the Pegasus take one more swig from the bottle of rum sitting on the table,



Mononeko: “Man, I need to sober up.”



Rainbow Dash said. “Man this stuff is great!.” As I took a drink from the bottle itself just after her I added. “Only the best for you Dashie!”



SC276: They have glasses, author! Are you telling me they’re that lightweight?



“Shut up...” Rainbow Dash said playfully as she started galloping over, putting her hoof in my hand and dragging me out of my chair, walking over into the living room beside her, clearly very excited as you could imagine.



JofY: Too bad I don’t have an imagination.

ToonGuy: I had one once. I had to put it down.



“So Dash, what shall we dance to?” I asked her. “I don't know, something with a hard beat!” said the excited Pegasi. “I like to feel the music moving through my body while I dance.”



SC276: Will it leave holes?



“Oh really?” I said sarcastically, not being surprised at Dash's answer in the least. “I think I have just the song, I told her as I walked over to my entertainment center, turning on a wireless speaker then syncing it up with my music player, quickly through the various playlists I had on my device.



SC276: Can’t even commit to a specific one?



As I continued to scroll through them, I came across one that said “Equestrian Rave” I had created that was full of DJ Pon 3's remixes and dance tracks.



JofY: Because she came to Earth to learn more about Equestria.

SC276: How’d he even get that? There’s no evidence that the ponies brought anything from Equestria.

Nox: OBJECTION! The evidence clearly contradicts your testimony.



Not knowing what song to play in the long list of tracks, I decided to put it on shuffle hoping that there would be a track hard hitting enough for the rainbow mare to dance to.



JofY: Que slow romantic songs.

SC276: I see you’re going with my usual Yugioh strategy of “leave everything to chance.”



One of the things we’d love to do when she visited was sharing the music from our two worlds with one another, Vinyl Scratch herself had modded my iPod so that their technology could work with it and ours with theirs.



JofY: Unfortunately, it went against the Terms of Service and he was sent into slavery soon after that. If only he read before accepting...

SC276: That should literally only be so difficult as converting file types, right?



That DJ sure was an innovator in her craft, I’d love to see one of her shows some time, If only I could...



SC276: What would happen if Rainbow Dash held one end of a really long cable while world-hopping? Would one end go through that he could plug into his TV and get a live camera feed, or would the entire cable go with her? Why is the story having some sappy romance thing I’m already bored of instead of answering the hard questions?!



I had given Rainbow Dash my old fourth gen iPod when I got the newer model, and It quicky became something she couldn't live without.



JofY: Rainbow, we’re here to talk about your addiction to music.

ToonGuy: This is an intervention. We’ve banned all Metallica songs from here.

Fallen Prime: Overruled. Gimme fuel, gimme fire, etc.



Always playing tracks from Sia or some Nightcore beats while she practiced for upcoming Wonderbolts shows, which sounded a lot like equestrian music due to the pitch raised vocals.



Waterpear: Equestria: the one place that actually likes Alvin and the Chipmunks.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hell, they probably vacation there.



Dash and me pretty much had the same taste when it came to music so she'd always love to discover what I was listening to as I did the amazing music from her world.



SC276: Oh just fuck already.



"The song now starting to play and slowly building up the beat.



JofY: Unfortunately it was supposed to be a slow song and the player was broken.



I saw Rainbow Dash getting into position in the middle of my living room, seeing that we had more than enough space around us to dance. As the beat continued picking up, I saw her back start to move in sync with the music, along with her head and shoulders, as her amazing rainbow mane and tail moved to the ever increasing bass of the electric EDM track.



Waterpear: “the electric electronic dance music.”



It was at this point that I decided to join in, walking up nervously toward Rainbow Dash from behind, with the music starting to vibrate through me as well as the whole house.



ToonGuy: Seconds later, the house exploded. Turns out that’s not really a good thing.

JofY: This is why you shouldn’t buy your house on a fault line.



Dash was up on two hooves now,



Mononeko: Clearly struggling to stand upright and risking getting back injuries.

SC276: What pony dance moves would require standing like that?



moving her front hooves and head from side to side and whipping her prismatic hair back and forth



SC276: She whips- nah, too easy.



as the music played and the EDM track climbed up faster and faster. As I was approaching her, Rainbow Dash immediately turned around,



JofY: Hitting him.

Mononeko: Breaking his skull, causing him to bleed to death? *crosses fingers*



her eyes half closed, clearly enjoying the sound of the music as it vibrated through her whole body.



ToonGuy: I’ll have what’s she having.



“I started to move my hands and shoulders, attempting to keep up her, but Dash clearly knew what she was doing, moving in an ever faster rhythm to the music.



JofY: Everything was out of sync.

SC276: The faster they dance, the more bored I get.



The cyan Pegasus then put her front hooves around the sides of my waist, as I returned with putting my hands on her soft cyan back, making her two wings twitch from my touch beside them. Dash now began to grind up and down furiously against me,



ToonGuy: Well that’s forward. Usually you’d have to pay for someone to do that to you.

SC276: Are we sure she knows how to dance?



feeling the soft coat on her back moving back and forth across my hands as we danced in rhythm to the song, our body's in perfect sync with one another with the dance track continuing to get even more intense by the second.



SC276: I don’t think this author knows how music intensity works.



Rainbow Dash now began to flap her wings and hover off the ground so that she could be the same height as me,



SC276: Have fun dancing when your feet aren’t even on the freakin’ floor!



as I begun to look deep into her dark magenta eyes, as she looked back ever intensely into mine.



SC276: Which were of indeterminate color, apparently.



I noticed looking at Dash that her mane and coat were starting to get slightly matted from all the sweat that was building up from dancing as long we had been, which was sexy as anything to me.



ToonGuy: “Sweat just kinda turns me on…..don’t ask.”

JofY: I’ve seen weirder.



I then whispering in her ear said, “You have some awesome moves Dashie.” Still looking into my eyes she returned with. “Thanks stud, so do you!.”



SC276: Gag me.



With the extended song we’d been dancing to slowly winding down, another truck came on right after it,



JofY: Wait, wha? *truck crashes in*

Nox: There isn’t anything left to break now.

JofY: At least I don’t own the room.

SC276: When suddenly, semi-rig!



this time being a slower electric chill out song that started to play Think, by Kaleida. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkhSZyYmpO4



SC276: Yeah sure, you put a link to this song, and not the other one.

Crazy56U: Heh, nice hyperlinking bud.



Still holding the Pegasus close to me, we started to dance slower.



JofY: Completely out of beat.

ToonGuy: And much like the beat, they couldn’t stop it.

SC276: The beat goes on.

Crazy56U: And on. And on. And on. And fuck that mini-game.



Seeing that her wings had gotten too tired to flap anymore and her breathing had got heavy and steady, she slowly rested down in my arms with her wings coming to a standstill altogether against my back, consoling me gently.



ToonGuy: He won’t be the only one needing consoling after this.

SC276: Wait, I thought they were facing each other. What dance requires one to be behind the other?

JofY: Oh come on, you don’t need to be so analytical.

Crazy56U: (chokes back vomit)



End of chapter 3.



Chapter Four: The World Famous Wing Masseuse



Waterpear: Yep, this chapter is a totally innocent “massage” with no erotic subtext whatsoever.

ToonGuy: Obviously! Why would we mention it otherwise?

JofY: We can’t truly express how little sexual imagery there isn’t in this chapter.

SC276: How can he be world-famous for wing massages, given the world doesn’t know about IRL ponies as evidenced by Rainbow hiding from us- I mean the pizza guy?

Crazy56U: So, in other words… skip this chapter? ...‘k!.



I Held Dashie in my arms, with her head resting just below my neck and on my chest, as she looked up at me and smiled with a look of content in her violet eyes, slowly wrapping her cyan wings around my back.



JofY: We get it! They’re looking at each other, and Dash can’t leave her wings in her pants!

ToonGuy: That sounds super painful.



Pulling herself closer to me, she asked in a quiet tone. “So, how was your first dance?. “You were amazing Dashie!” I told her as she then returned with. “You weren't to bad yourself”



ToonGuy: Why don’t you have her smoke a goddamn cigarette while you’re at it?!



Dash said, resting her head back down onto chest, her beautiful rainbow mane cascading over my hands as I held her closely in my arms.



ToonGuy: *pulls out SWAT gear and puts it on* I. AM. READY. Bring it on.

JofY: What have I said about interfering with the fic?

ToonGuy: BUT…..*throws gear off and starts sulking* Fine.

Nox: You’re in my way, sir.

SC276: This is sounding like some of my own affection RPing, except I give a shit about the characters in those.



The warmth from her cyan coat seemed to warm up my entire body as my left hand held her between her wings, slowly petting them and causing Rainbow Dash to quietly uttered under her breath. “That feels so, ugh, so good.” Slowly, I started to walk over to the couch in the living room, sitting down with the tired Pegasus laying up closely against me. I felt that her wings were quivering slightly beside my hands, causing me to say. “Hey um, Dashie.



JofY: “Are you wearing a vibe right now?”



Those wings must be sore from dancing for that time, did You want me to help take the pain away.?



ToonGuy: And now we’re going into Old Yeller territory. The answer to that question is yes.



“How would you do that?” she added, curiosity looking up at me.



ToonGuy: With a shotgun, I assume.

SC276: Or, barring that, an explosive.



“Why, by giving you one of my world famous wing massages of course!” I exclaimed.



Mononeko: “Because clearly I have experience in giving erotic massages to horses!”

SC276: [Snoopy] “Here is the world-famous wing masseuse on his way to see his next patient.”



Dash then softly chuckled “I’d love You to, that (yawns) sounds awesome.” she whispered, clearly very tired from dancing.



ToonGuy: Or she’s not that into you.



“Dash’s wings then slowly folded back up from the embrace they had around by back as she winced in pain slightly from their action. “Poor Dash, so sore from dancing as long as we did” I thought to myself



SC276: Giving she was on her hind legs the entire time, I thought those would be the most worn-out parts of her body.

JofY: No, no, no. Don’t you know? The part of the body that feels sore never has correlation with what actually is used!



then telling her. “I'll take your pain away, you just relax, OK?”



ToonGuy: No person in history has ever said those words and not been a creep.

Mononeko: Or a serial killer.

Nox: Or a creepy serial killer.

JofY: Or someone who doesn’t know how normal people talk.



She then slowly crawled off of my chest where she'd been resting and laid down on her back, facing away from me on the couch and laying her head on one of the throw pillows down the end, the slow song continuing to play quietly in the background.



ToonGuy: Ye GODS, JUST SCREW EACH OTHER ALREADY.

SC276: Why did he take any chance of getting slow songs if he was initially aiming for high-energy ones? And why are they letting the music continue after they're done dancing?



Her fluffy rainbow colored tail moved back and forth, tickling my leg while her two back hooves gradually stretched out, touching the sides of me as she got more comfortable.



JofY: Is this going to turn into tickle porn of all things?

SC276: Anything to make this shit more interesting. Hell, I think I want freakin’ Slenderman back.



I began to lift both my hands up now, positioning them over her back and slowly resting them down on either side of her wings.



JofY: “KAMI…”



The Pegasus's cyan fur seemed to glow with luminescence from the moonlight that was cascading in from the window,



ToonGuy: AAAAH! SHE’S A STEPHANIE MEYER CHARACTER!!! KILL IT!!!

SC276: The afterglow comes after the sex, author! And I’m not actually sure it’s a real thing regardless!

JofY: She’s nuclear! That can’t be good!



making her appear all the more beautiful as I started moving my hands up her sour wings, rubbing in little circles up to the center of the secondary feathers then stretching my arms slowly up her back massaging them ever so gently as to not hurt the Pegasus.



ToonGuy: You’re hurting us! But I suppose you don’t care about that!



Continuing to the primary feathers on her folded up wings, I moving back-and-forth over Dash’s back, feeling the soft fur of her coat rubbing against my forearm yet again, until I felt her wings gradually begin to relax from my motions and unfold even more from there half closed state.



ToonGuy: You know, this has to be the most prolonged wing boner I’ve seen.

SC276: Are we having fun yet.



I now began to move my hands up either sides of Rainbow Dashes now;



JofY: Ack! *gets flooded by Rainbow Dashes*

Mononeko: Oh my god, they’re everywhere!



fully erect wings,



JofY: Show me on the doll where the wing touched you.



applying a gentle amount of pressure as I felt around the edges of each one of her outer feathers moving on to the primaries just after,



JofY: Oh, god. Do I need to know anything about anonymity to read this?



rubbing them in between my fingers as she grasped from my actions.



JofY: Ah, premature ejactulation.

SC276: Do we have to sit through every detail of this. When you can’t even describe what your main character looks like.



Really getting to see them extended to their full span was an incredible sight to behold, and the moonlight shining through the window just made them look well... “20% cooler.”



Waterpear: Than what, a volcano?

ToonGuy: Than Firecrotch McGee over here with his deadly masseuse hands.



Continuing to work out the tension from her aching wings, I heard a soft moan coming from the mare who was still laying face down on the couch.



JofY: Dat memory foam.



Now digging her forehooves into the arm of sofa as her body quivered from the sensations I was giving her,



ToonGuy: Okay, this is just getting boring…..

SC276: Gee, ya think.



continuing to massage around her entire left and right wings simultaneously with my hands grasping each of them slightly and slowly working my way down the various feathers to the two bottom joints then moving my hands deeply into the base of where they met her back, the place I could tell she was most tense being a trained wing masseuse and all like I was. (OK that was a lie... but I was clearly doing something right)



ToonGuy Unfortunately for you, because you weren’t trained, you missed the signs that you weren’t massaging her wings, you were actually snapping her spine.

JofY: Yes, if you were a proper masseuse, you’d know that the spine is located in the wing.

ToonGuy: His grasp of Pony Biology is as good as mine.



“Slowly, I pressed my two hands under the base of her wings feeling her soft coat yet again as I worked them in gentle circular motions, now applying some more pressure as Rainbow Dash whispered in a soft voice. “Yeah that's the spot right ugh, there.”



ToonGuy: God, if this is how she is when being massaged, I’d hate to see her when... ACTUAL SEX IS HAPPENING. Which at this rate should be in about March of next year.



Groaning slightly from the feeling of her pain slowly being massaged away, as I continued to work on her wings for a few more moments, gradually coming to a stop.



JofY: As her life, came to an end.

SC276: Can we go home yet?



I looked at Rainbow Dash's face to see just how relaxed she had become from the massage, beginning to smile with content at the amazingly blissful look on her face, pain free at last and on cloud nine,



JofY: I honestly have to wonder what’s wrong with the 8th cloud?



no pun intended ; )



Waterpear: You’re only allowed to use that smiley in narration if you’re Aaron from Undertale.

SC276: And given you’re not using all the time, you most certainly are not.



I then gazed up at the clock on the wall to find out it was almost two AM in the morning, we had so much fun that night I didn't want it end!



JofY: Don’t you dare be another one to try and break time!

SC276: I don’t know what time you started, but I highly doubt eating dinner, dancing to like three songs max - unless all three were that one song that had to be split into like twelve parts for Rock Band - and giving a massage would last you until two in the morning. From dinner time.



sometimes I wish I could just freeze time to make moments like these last just a little bit longer, if only for a minute or two.



SC276: Oh god no, you’ll bore us to death.



I thought, still gazing at the beautiful Pegasus lying on the couch smiling with content in her state of absolute bliss.



End of chapter 4.



Crazy56U: Goody.



Chapter Five: The Confession



ToonGuy: Is it an apology? Because that’s the only thing that can marginally make me feel better right now.

Mononeko: “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...”

Crazy56U: “Forgive me Fa-” DAMN IT, you stole my joke...

Nox: ” I keep telling you, this is an outhouse! The confessional is that way.”

SC276: ~I guess I gotta give you part five of my confessions...~



Rainbow Dash then slowly turned around and sat up next to me, placing one of her hooves in my hand and resting her head against my shoulder.



JofY: Is there a bomb attached to the two, and if they’re ever not touching then they explode?

Crazy56U: What a journey.



Whispering to me in a soft tone she said “Hey, thanks for an awesome time tonight. You really are a world famous wing masseuse.”



ToonGuy: Can’t be world famous if no one knows who the hell you are.

JofY: What even is your name?

Crazy56U: I’ve pretty much established that it’s ???. Like that one character in The

Binding of Isaac...

Nox: I just realized that I could be playing that right now. Why the HELL am I not playing that right now!?

SC276: Because you’re playing Undertale?

Nox: No… that was last week. This week, I’m playing The Consuming Shadow: Insanity Edition.



she added with a light smile. I said nothing as I begun to stroke her beautiful rainbow mane, feeling its softness and watching the colors flow across my hand as she nuzzled her head into me.



ToonGuy: Why don’t you just SNIFF the damn hair and get it over with?

Crazy56U: Now, now, that would be crossing a line...



With everything that had happened that night, I felt compelled as ever to tell her just how much I loved her.



JofY: Not at all.

Crazy56U: Trust me, you don’t want to do that.



Over the past few months I could feel that we were growing closer,



JofY: Well of course, living things do grow after periods of time.

Crazy56U: And sometimes they die.



they always did say that the best relationships start out as friendships,



SC276: I’ve heard… literally the exact opposite.



and here I was with the most amazing Pegasus a guy could ask for.



ToonGuy: Really? You sure about that?

SC276: I thought Derpy was best pegasus?



The nicest, most loyal friend I'd ever met.



JofY: Fluttershy?

Crazy56U: Gummy?

Mononeko: Angel?



It was killing me not saying anything over past few weeks.



JofY: It literally gave him cancer.

Crazy56U: He has cancer of the dialogue. Heard that did a number on Attack of the

Clones...



But now, I'd hit my breaking point, I needed to tell her my feelings, if I didn't say anything right now I would never forgive myself!



SC276: This is like the visual novel school of writing or something. Which reminds me of something I’d rather be doing with Scarlet right now...



I needed to tell this beautiful mare how I felt about her! how much I loved, and wanted to be with her!



ToonGuy: You really don’t.



Now gathering up as much courage as I could, getting ready to say something, she all of a sudden tilted her head up slightly to look at me. “So I was thinking, we've been seeing each other for a while now and...she stopped her next words suddenly.



SC276: Oh joy, they were both going to confess at the exact same time, isn’t that fucking something, they’re perfect for each other.



“What is it? I asked, continuing to caressed her rainbow mane. “Nothing,” Dash said with a sigh as I was getting mesmerized by her violet eyes. “Come on, tell me. You can tell me anything you know,” I returned with a caring tone in my voice petting her gently on the head.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Patronize me again like that and you’ll be spitting glass for a week!”

SC276: Also, the guy was just going over in his head that he needed to confess his love right the fuck now, and yet he’s letter her talk.



Rainbow Dash then uttered nervously.



“I was just um…”



JofY: Hey, guys… The fic is starting to become misaligned.

Crazy56U: (straps self into seat) Yeah, how about that…

SC276: Wait, those are in the source?!



“ Was going to say…”



JofY: *trips* Guys! A little help here?

Crazy56U: (passes over an umbrella) Here, it works in the

cartoons.

SC276: *clings to Crazy’s seat*



“I LOVE YOU!”



JofY: *slips* AH

HH

H!

!!

Mononeko: Hey, are you down here too?

ToonGuy: What, but you were so subtle about it. Also, what’s it like down there?

Mononeko: Dark, creepy and completely devoid of any happiness.

CaptainPipsqueak: So, not worth the trip, then?

Mononeko: Nah, just stay up here and you’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: ...well, that was fun!

SC276: And the plot went pretty much exactly as expected, sparing the main character any requirement of effort and completely ruining the character of Rainbow Dash. Is next week Catch again? Can we just go to that so I can freakin’ feel something?



Rainbow Dash all of a sudden exclaimed loudly with great relief in her voice, finally able to get out her feelings out at long last. I just grinned at her words, knowing now that she did care about me as much as I did for her. Not saying another word and still looking into her eyes, I told her with sincerity.



ToonGuy: “Let’s go defile nature.”

Crazy56U: Yeah! Fuck you Captain Planet!

SC276: “By your powers combined, I am blowing this popsicle stand!”



“I love you too Dashie, I always have from the moment I met you, you're the most amazing, caring, and best friend I could ask for!



JofY: “And then I met anybody else.”



and I've been holding in these feelings for too long, I should've told you how I felt weeks ago and…” Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on my mouth,



ToonGuy: I hope she washed it.



stopping my next sentence. “It's OK” she uttered with a soft tone in her voice, then right after getting up from where she had been sitting and climbed on top of me, straddling herself around my waist and placing her forehooves on either side of my neck, while her back hooves wrapped themselves tightly around my sides.



ToonGuy: I’d say we’re skipping a few steps, but we just had massage sex practically, so… yeah.

Mononeko: Oh Jesus, here it comes...

SC276: Watch, this is going to be as dull at the rest of the fic.



She then caressed my cheeks in a caring motion with the back end of her left hoof as she began to move her face ever closer to mine.



JofY: Wow. That is incredibly not sexy.



I didn't hesitate for a second, meeting the Pegasus halfway, gently kissing the mare I cared about so much at long last.



ToonGuy: …..Must be awkward doing that. Biology be DAMNED!



Rainbow Dash applied more pressure to my lips and I returned with equally as much,



JofY: Causing the two to actually fuse.

SC276: Like in that first Pikachu short with the Raichu, except less electric mice.



feeling her hot breath against my skin as she pushed me back into the couch, the moonlight still shining through the window outside making her cyan coat glow luminescent yet again as we continued to kiss passionately for a few more moments.



ToonGuy: For god’s sake, how much hair oil is in her fur right now!?

JofY: All of the oil.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a match) One way to find out...



We finally released our lips from what felt like an eternity, the both of us still breathing heavily from what just happened. “You're an amazing kisser, that was so awesome!” Rainbow Dash said catching her breath as she placed her hooves on my head gently stroking my hair as I begun to stroke her rainbow mane, looking deep into her magenta eyes. “You were pretty awesome too.”



JofY: “I know.”

SC276: You just kissed, you haven’t gotten to the actual sex yet.

Crazy56U: I could be spending my time doing better things. Like watching this again.



I told her out of breathy with sincerity in my voice continuing to run my hands down her soft mane, watching the colors move past my arm. Rainbow Dash looked up at me for a moment and then started to say.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “Any pizza left?”

SC276: [Dash] “This unit will self-destruct in 3… 2...”



“Hey, I need to tell you something, but I. I don’t know if I should…” The Rainbow mare told me with a concerned look at her face.



JofY: [Dash] “I’m pregnant.”...Oh, GOD I’M JOKING! I’M JOKING!

Crazy56U: (smacks JofY in the face) Don’t tempt fate.



“What is it?.” I asked, kind of thinking that it had something to do with what happened back in the kitchen earlier, and how Dash acting strange like she was possibly hiding something, but what?



ToonGuy: The fact that she’s into you? Maybe? Perhaps? Not adding actual plot, are we?

SC276: I’m already losing track of the fic. Didn’t they already confess their love for each other?



“Okay, but please don’t be mad, Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “I’d never get mad at you Dashie, remember, you can tell me anything. “I love you so much and there is nothing we can’t talk about.” I told her reassuringly as she began to relax, if even a small bit, knowing that my words were the truth, giving me a quick kiss on the lips before saying. “I know dude.”



ToonGuy: “DUDE! Righteous!”

SC276: Get on with it!



“OK. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I told You that um, humans couldn't crossover into our world.” She said turning away from me. “Well, It, (sighs) It was a lie...”



ToonGuy: [???] “You know what else was a lie? Me not getting MAD!!!”

JofY: “There’s even a ‘Human in Equestria’ tag.”

SC276: [Dash] “I’m surprised I had to tell you. The fact that there’s no actual reason given for why this stuff would only work one-way was an obvious giveaway.”

JofY: To be fair, there could be any number of B.S. reasons either way.



A few tears started falling from her eyes at those words as she continued. “Twilight had told me to say that after Princess Celestia agreed with the royal counsel that no human would ever be allowed to cross into our dimension because of the fears that war, violence, and disease, may destroy our world Equestria, as we know it.



SC276: [Dash] “Basically, we don’t trust your shit.”

ToonGuy: Yeah! It’s not like anything bad could come from their universe, right? All they have a superpowered evil sides of them, chaos gods, an entire race that feeds off love that can turn into anyone they want, a evil so dark it was sealed in a pit and guarded by Cerberus, time travel that could alter the course of history and did we mention the paraspites!?

JofY: To be fair, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t protect themselves.



They all agreed that If humans knew about our world and knew they could travel to it, It would put all our lives in danger.”



SC276: To be fair, the military would be researching the hell out of the combat uses of magic really quickly. It’d be the Cold War all over again.



She explained to me as more and more tears fell from her eyes, continuing to tell me everything of this revealed truth.



SC276: Why is she crying? Because she feels bad about lying to him or something?



“And so, when Twilight would borrow your books, she wasn’t just reading them herself, but also “reporting” what she had learned to the royal counsel,



JofY: [Twilight] “I have seen from their literature that some people are able to show how they fight if they are pierced by an arrow!”

SC276: Does this mean that ponies are now basically Undyne?



who then had Vinyl Scratch put a device in that iPod you gave me that would download information in real time from your worlds internet to their database to further research human history.



ToonGuy: So they’re all evil now?

JofY: Those damn evil humans! If only they could be changed into ponies.

SC276: OK, uh, one, breach of privacy. Two, iPods - distinct from iPhones - can’t connect to the Internet on their own far as I know. Three, why would a DJ know how to do that?



Only coming to the conclusion that no human would be allowed to come into our world after witnessing all the wars and plagues that humans had gone through in history.”



JofY: To be fair, all of the violence in Equestria only happens every thousand years.

Crazy56U: And/or the beginning and end of every season.



Rainbow Dash now looks back at me, her red from from all the tears, saying.



ToonGuy: HEEEY, YEYAY, YAYYAY, HEY, YEAH, YAY, I SAY HEY! What’s going on?!

SC276: ~Oh my god do I cry…!~



“And they only wanted me to tell you this lie, to make you think that it was impossible to travel to our world when Twilight had noticed how close you and me were getting and they knew that you would trust me to tell the truth!” She says, before throwing herself into me, hugging my chest tightly as I feel her trembling against me.



ToonGuy: Rainbow Dash, quivering fragile daisy? *beat* BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right, good one.

JofY: Oh, cry me a river.

SC276: I’d probably feel a bigger emotional impact if it wasn’t an overly-long sentence with unnatural word choice.



“Rainbow Dash’s eyes continued to water, a few tears dripping onto my shirt, pulling away before telling me. “Look, I get it if you don't want to see me anymore. I um, I can just go back to my world right now if you want me to. I’ll understand if you never want to “sniffles” see me, I know I wouldn't…” Dash now looked up at me, as if she was about to lose someone close to her.



ToonGuy: Oooh, we still got any of those world’s smallest violins still left?

JofY: I’ve got one of the largest.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a banjo) This counts, right?

SC276: When in any story ever has a revelation that’s this much not-her-fault prevented a sex scene?



Gazing back at her emotionally exhausted face, I tried to comprehend everything she’d just told me,



ToonGuy: And failed. Miserably.

Mononeko: Just like the readers.

Crazy56U: And then his brain exploded.

CaptainPipsqueak: Twice.



thinking of how wrong it was to put a burden this heavy on her like they had, but also at the same time, understanding what Twilight and Celestia were afraid of. Over the years I’ve seen the worst of mankind, but also the best of what we could be.



ToonGuy: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE HELL UP. SERIOUSLY. I know we were joking, but IS THIS A STEALTH PREQUEL TO CONVERSION BUREAU?

JofY: All fics are… All fics are.

Crazy56U: Just like how all TV shows supposedly take place in Tommy Westphall’s

mind, all fanfics take place in “The Conversion Bureau”.

SC276: Dude, unless you were alive to see the bombs drop on Japan, I really don’t think you’ve seen the worst of humanity.



Although with the thought of possibly never getting to see their world saddened me, I knew all I ever needed to make me the happiest guy in my world was sitting right in front of me, crying her eyes out.



ToonGuy: You want her to be crying her eyes out? Dick.

SC276: Also, she’s on her own TV cartoon show, so you can see her world there. I mean, c’mon.



Realizing then, at that very moment, that just because I could never go to their world (legally anyway,)



SC276: Wait, isn’t Dash on the lam from her own dimension for coming here in the first place?



Doesn’t mean I couldn't live my life by their message of acceptance and peace



JofY: Yes, their message of peace, and acceptance, and don’t come near me you violent sicko.



and also, that friendship was magic, the most powerful magic in the known universe by that matter. I had met the most meaningful friend and now mare-friend I’ll ever meet with Dash, and that’s all that mattered to me. And even though their world was just a few dimensions away,



I felt like our species was still a long way from Equestria, as I once heard in a song.



SC276: What song?



Thinking that maybe someday, we'll be ready to accept a peaceful world like they had made, overcoming differences and accepting each other for who they are, something my world still needed to understand a great deal.



ToonGuy: Are you finished moralizing?



But I feel someday. No, I know someday, we will all be in a peaceful world.



ToonGuy: You haven’t? Okay then. I’ll just go and drink myself into a coma.

JofY: ...Are you going to force me to pull out the Superman 4 ending speech?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh bullshit; everyone knows there were only two Superman movies.

Crazy56U: Technically three if you count The Iron Giant...

SC276: I’m pretty sure humanity’s going to have a tough time synchronizing on a True Pacifist run...



If Equestria could change from a war torn world where Pony's fought and died over land much like we have done countless times in our own past and still continue to do.



SC276: What evidence is there that Equestria had a violent history?! I mean, sure, there was that stuff depicted in the Hearth’s Warming play, but that wasn’t over land rights!



To the incredible world of love and peace they have today, I knew there was hope that my planet could change.



JofY: And there will be peace. There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them. ...You just made me quote Superman 4. I hope you’re happy.



And I wanted Rainbow Dash, the love of life right by my side so that we could witness that day, together.



Mononeko: Dear god, would you please shut up!

ToonGuy: CAPTAIN PLANET WAS MORE SUBTLE THAN YOU!



Coming to this realization I quickly put my hands around the the saddened Pegasus and pulled her close to me, hugging her tightly and saying, “Never want to see me again? Dash look.”



JofY: “I’m blind.”

SC276: That’s not even the right quote.



I told her as she looked into my eyes unsure of what I was about to say.



SC276: That’s because he hasn’t said it yet. It’s called “the natural flow of time.”



“Just because I’m not allowed to go to your world, doesn't mean I don’t want to see you again.” I told her, wiping the tears away from her sad violet eyes. “I understand that us as a people, well we have a lot of growing up to do, and I feel we could learn a lot from your would Dashie.



SC276: [narrator] “Which is why we have a little girl’s TV show about it.”



I know this, because I have.” Rainbow Dash then added, “But that's just the thing, you’d never hurt any of us, I don’t understand why they can't just let you come. It’s not fair!” She exclaimed.



SC276: Dude, you’ve met, like, one guy. Who’s a generic nice-guy self-insert OC.



Then, she told me something that I'll never forget.



“All my life I felt like I’ve been searching for something that was missing and, I’d thought I’d found it when I got accepted as leader of the Wonderbolts last Year.



JofY: “And I did! Bye!”



You see, even though I was now living the dream I had ever since I was just a filly, I still felt like something was missing from my life.



ToonGuy: [Dash] “My contact lenses, I’m blind as Flutterbat without them.”



But when I first met you, I knew right then and there that I had found it, I just, I love you so much dude. I never want to leave you.” Rainbow Dash said



SC276: [Dash] “Which is good, because I’m still kinda a fugitive from pony law.”



then starting to blush nervously having just told me how she felt.



ToonGuy: Thanks, I never would have guessed.



I then moved my hands up her shoulders, feeling the soft fur on her neck, holding her close and looking deeply into her eyes, kissing her on the forehead. “Dash, I felt the same way when I first met you, these past three months have been amazing and I don’t want some silly law to get in the way of us being happy. “I Love You with all my heart Dashie and I’m not going to let anything change that for us.”



ToonGuy: You’re STILL GOING?!

SC276: You know what one of the best parts of There She Is!, a web series about forbidden love, was? It didn’t have babbling-on dialogue.



Thinking of what to say for a few seconds, Rainbow Dash told me with a smile of contentment, “You’re right, I’m not either. Buck that stupid law!



JofY: Fuck Twilight!... Wait…

Crazy56U: Fuck the police!

SC276: Disregard the constabulary!



I just need you, and by Celestia if anything is going to change that…”



SC276: So, does that mean you’re willing to throw away your past friendships that have been helping keep Equestria safe for five seasons? Expected behavior at his juncture.



Dash told me with passion in her voice, right after moving herself closer to my face, kissing me as passionately as the words she had just spoken.



ToonGuy: So it was like kissing a cold wet fish.

SC276: And again with the kissing, oy!



I returned in kind, expressing my love for the fastest Pegasus in all of Equestria.



SC276: If you’re using turn of phrases like that, that’s the sign you’re being too verbose for your vocabulary to support.



Breaking off the kiss a few moments later as Dash told me slyly. “That gets better every time.” she said right before I added. “It sure does.”



ToonGuy: Does it though? DOES IT REALLY? I think you’re talking out of your ass.



Looking over at clock on the wall again, I saw it was almost four am and even if we wanted to go further, I could tell she was really tired at this point, just as tired as I had become.



JofY: Aww… Aren’t we going to see some sex?

SC276: You’ve just spent two hours or so kissing and crying? Gheeze, stamina of a beast.



From everything we said and did tonight, It would sure be a night I’d remember for the rest of my life. I thought looking at my Dashie.



ToonGuy: OH GET ON WITH IT.

JofY: Yes! Get on with it!



For the few times she did end up spending the night in my home, I had set up an air mattress in the spare bedroom upstairs next to mine for Her to sleep in.



Mononeko: What a waste of a perfectly good air mattress…

JofY: I got to imagine that a pony would be heavy as hell. How did a mattress support her?

SC276: What, she can’t sleep on Earth clouds or something?



But, what now?



JofY: ‘Guess I should just kill her.’

SC276: Congratulations, author, you admit you had no plan whatsoever going into this story.



I thought gently petting her soft mane. “Well it's getting late I said in sleepy tone “We’d better get to bed huh.” Not knowing how she’d respond. “Rainbow Dash suddenly picked her head up and asked me.



JofY: “AAAAAAHH!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HEAD!?!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “My head’s detachable and yours isn’t! Sucks to be you!”



“Hey, would it be okay if I slept in your bed tonight, ya know, with you?” A now smile started to grow on her face, already knowing the answer.



ToonGuy: [???] “No way! It’s my bed! Get your own!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Anyway, you trot in your sleep and I don’t need to be stepped on, thanks.”

SC276: The minute she starts tossing and turning, he’s a freakin’ pancake.



“I was taking back at just how cute her question was.



SC276: Taking back what, the video to the rental store? Man, I feel old all of a sudden.



“Of course it's okay! I want you to Dashie.” She then gave me a gentle kiss on my lips, returning with “Thanks, but I already knew you were going to say yes.“



JofY: Ah, manipulation.



I know.” I told her as she held into my chest, looking at me with those big innocent eyes then saying. “Carry me?”



JofY: According to some quick research, your average pony weighs around 225 to 360 kg. He’s not gonna be able to.

Crazy56U: Not unless he lifts with his knees...



I knew at that moment she was using her full on cuteness to her advantage but I obliged,



SC276: This is how the death spiral starts.

JofY: Weeee!



getting off the couch and slowly making my way to the staircase, holding the Pegasus I cared about so much as she nestled into me, holding on tightly as I continued making my way up the stairs to my bedroom.



ToonGuy: So this is basically the pony version of the Room. “Oh hai, I love Rainbow Dash so much, she is part of my life I cannot go on without her, you are TEARING ME APART RAINBOW DASH!”



“Opening the door and walking over to the large bad in the middle of the room,



Mononeko: ‘cause I’m baaaad, I’m baaaad. You know it...

SC276: The exact middle? Who doesn’t put at least one side of the bed against the wall?

JofY: Damn hipsters...



now sitting down on the bed as Rainbow Dash slowly crawled off of me, laying sideways on my bed, looking at me and smiling gently with a look of love and longing in her eyes, resting her head on some pillows before opening her mouth, eliciting a loud yawn that caused me to yawn just as loudly.



SC276: *uses Google* ...As I thought, that’s not what “elicting” means.



The moonlight cascading through the windows was all the light we needed to see,



JofY: Aside from dawn’s morning light.



shining off Dash’s cyan coat yet again, making her glow in the night.



JofY: Uh… That may want to be checked on.

SC276: Did she get that crystal makeover before coming here?



I quickly laid down next to her as she started to move closer to where I was laying, as we looked deep into each others eyes, Dash began to unfold one of her wings, placing it around my shoulder and caressing me lovenly.



Mononeko: Yes, this is a very lovenly moment.



I returned with placing my arm around the back of her neck gently petting Dashies soft cyan coat



SC276: If I hear “cyan coat” one more time, I’m gonna freakin’ shank somebody.



as we moved In for a full embrace her rainbow colored tale wrapped itself around my leg



Mononeko: Please make her tale be better than the shit I’m reading now.



as her forehoof grasped my chest and her back hoof intertwined around my leg.



SC276: That is a very flexible hoof.



I reached for the dark blue fleece blanket on the other side of her pulling it over us, remembering that I had forgotten to switch the heat on as I was heading upstairs, but I knew that Dashes body heat with mine would be more than enough to keep us comfortable throughout the cold night.



JofY: What is it now? 3… 4 am?

Crazy56U: Let me check. (checks watch) ... (shakes watch) ...damn, I think it died…

SC276: Fuck, we actually had a casualty of bad fanfiction. We hardly knew ye, watch.



Pulling the blanket fully over us, Rainbow Dash whispered. “I want to stay like this forever.” she uttered with a caring tone in her voice as I returned with. “I'll never leave your side,



SC276: [narrator] “Even if I have to sew us together.”

JofY: [Dash] “But you’re right now in front of me!”



“I want to be with you forever Dashie, I love you so much.” I told her sincerely as a few tears begin to fall from my eyes. Still gazing at me she added. “I want to be with you forever too dude.



JofY: [Dash] “Surf’s up.”



“I love you, so, bucken, much…” she told me, slowly drifting off to sleep.



I felt the utmost compassion in her words as I gradually fell off to sleep in her embrace, dreaming of flying with the Pegasus I cared for and loved so much till the end of time. Pulling off amazing tricks that would make the other Wonderbolts proud.



SC276: Even though you’re not a pegasus.

JofY: [Random Wonderbolt] “Stupid human, stealing our achievements…”



The End.



RingmasterJ5: ...And because this apparently needs to ALWAYS happen now, turns out the sequel the guy mentioned at the very start of the fic also fits under our wordcount limit. So, here’s “A Pegasus in the Sky”.

JofY: ~I can fly twice as high.~

Crazy56U: ...well, I can’t be mad this time, I did make a point of being upset that we were doing the riff out of order...

Mononeko: *groan* there’s more...

SC276: There’s another one?!



It's Been three weeks since Rainbow Dash and I confessed our love to each other, and here I was.



Crazy56U: [???] “In jail. Because of that damn horse…”

SC276: [narrator] “Dash, when I said ‘floor it,’ I didn’t mean ‘flatten the car!’”



Laying on my bed after a long and stressful day at work thinking about how much I missed the mareI loved and held most dear, imaging holding her close to me. Longing to feel the warmth of her soft cyan coat agence me once more.



Rainbow Dash's next visit wouldn't be for another three days or so. As she was all booked up doing shows with her fellow Wonderbolts Soarin and Spitfire all around Equestria until then.



CaptainPipsqueak: “So all I had to keep myself occupied was my right hand.”

SC276: Wait, she left Equestria against orders last fic. She was welcomed back? I would’ve liked to hear that instead of this!



I had given Dashie one of those Gopro camera's for her birthday last month so she could film some of her shows with it to show me on her visits.



JofY: Twilight then confiscated it claiming that it was a camera just another brazen example of violence.



Dash got some really impressive footage over the weeks,



JofY: I see he also bought the pony helmet attachment.



the acrobatic flying moves that Pegasus could pull off made me dizzy just watching them.



Mononeko: Or maybe that was just because of the shaking camera. Remember, never record while flying.



I remembered hearing how hard long distance relationships could be, not to mention

interdimensional ones.



JofY: ‘I just don’t get how those displac-’ *pukes*



I was missing her with every thought that would visualized Itself into my subconscious, I had to focus.



SC276: But he was failing miserably.



“It's just three more days now, not even that at this point!” I thought, finally collecting myself from my vivid thoughts and wiping away a tear that had begun to fall from one of my eyes, slowly getting up off my bed and reaching for my camera I kept on the nightstand next to me,



SC276: Dude, if you’re getting this distraught over not being able to see someone, that’s evidence you have no life whatsoever.



picking it up and looking at it for a few seconds then presiding to turn it on going through the various pictures I had taking over the course of the past two months, seeing all the memories I had shared with Dashie.



JofY: Seeing all the times they ran-on.



From the time we went to that drive in movie, to her reaction to seeing Indiana Jones for the first time.

We couldn't do a lot out of the house because of someone possibly seeing her, so we had to do things where there wasn't a lot of people, like a park at dusk or a drive in movie,



SC276: If this were like the ‘50s, not even that would be an option.



of which she could just hide in my SUV because of the blacked out windows.



SC276: If the windows were blacked out, how did you watch the film?



Among all the pictures of the Rainbow mare where shots of various sunsets I had taken,

It was just a hobby, but I always liked to get a shot of the dusk at the end of the day from my bedroom window if it looked interesting enough, I did have a perfect view of them after all.



JofY: A view of a wonderful brick wall.

SC276: If just looking at the sun hurts your eyes, and looking at it through binoculars or some other magnification would blind you, I don’t think that camera’s in very good condition.



Almost every night she was here, we'd love to watch the sun go down together.



SC276: What I’d like to see is Rainbow’s mind being blown when she found out the sun moves by itself here.



So, in a way you could say they also served like many of the photos of Rainbow Dash herself, as memories to remember how awesome I felt being with her that day or what interesting things we did or accomplished, like practicing up on my drawing or writing stories of which without her input,

I could never think of what to say next…



Being she just finished her 3rd Daring Do fan fiction, Dash would always have good pointers to help me out with pacing or charter development.



Mononeko: Grammar however...



Continuing to look through the photos for sometime, I couldn't stop thinking about the mare I cared so deeply for, wishing that she would just appear in front of me right then and there,



SC276: Cue convenient timing.



I'd never been more madly in love with her and wished she would always be here with me or that I could always be in her world with her. But I knew she had to go back for her job as a Wonderbolt of which Rainbow Dash lived the dream doing what she loved to do,



JofY: After all, he was only third best.



flying as fast as her cyan wings could take her, doing advanced tricks that had broken all the records at the elite flyers training academe she had attended.



SC276: Is this narrative going to talk in as many circles as the last one?



Collecting myself from my thoughts yet again,



JofY: Me? Have you been hanging out with my thoughts again? How many times do I have to tell you they’re a bad crowd?



I switched the camera from playback to photo mode readying it to get some shots, as I walked over to the window I saw that the golden light of the late afternoon was at its most impressive, cascading in from the two windows on either side of my bedroom. In between them I had a wonderbolts poster along with a DJ Pon 3 consort AD that Rainbow Dash had given me for my birthday a few weeks ago.



JofY: Wow, what an unnecessary detail.

ToonGuy: I disagree! I want to hear all about it IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, leave out not one single point. Wow us.



Our birthdays where only a few weeks apart making October my favorite month of the Year.



JofY: Their birthdays were in March but it was because of that, that October was their favorite.



Even though as much as I hated getting older.



JofY: Dang whippersnapper!



Seeing Dash’s expression to what I had gotten her made the whole day better though. I loved bringing her joy, but I knew there would be nothing I could give her that could bring Rainbow Dash as much happiness as she gave me just being here so I could share my life with her.



SC276: So, presents are a useless gesture? Thanks for the romance tip!



I made my way to the left window by the poster, parting the two dark red curtains and peering out the window as the golden light shone through the pane of glass onto hands, warming them up.



JofY: Wait a second… IT’S MELTING THEM!



I now was squinting to try and see if there were any interesting clouds or weather effects that would make for an interesting photo,



ToonGuy: “That one looks like a middle finger!”



as my eyes adjusted to the light, I could make out a few oval shaped clouds glowing from the radiant light of the setting sun continuing to look to my left, I kept on seeing more interesting patterns until I gazed upon one that looked familiar to me, like someone I knew and loved with than anything else in this or any other world.



JofY: It looked like a cotton ball.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or a pizza.

SC276: Why yes, your world has decided it wants nothing to do with this one, go ahead and fly around in BROAD DAYLIGHT.



Because right then, there was a cloud glowing from the now almost set sun that appeared to have hooves a tail! and I could maybe make out some wings?



ToonGuy: Well we don’t know! You’re the one describing it! What are we supposed to say!?



Gazing up with disbelief I yell out in my thoughts.

“It was in the shape of a Pegasus!,”



JofY: The invasion has begun.



“It was my Dashie!”



CaptainPipsqueak: No, I think you’ll find that’s she’s her Dashie; she just deigns to be in your presence.



Quickly, I raised the camera up, getting it InFocus



CaptainPipsqueak: ...a privately owned video accessory company based in Oregon...

SC276: What a twist.



to take the best shot I could right before the sun fully set and I would miss my chance.



JofY: If only he took the lense cap off.



Pressing the shutter button repeatedly, I took a few shots making sure that one would come out good right after doing so the Pegasus cloud formation slowly faded as the jetstream took it turning it into just another cloud as the sun disappeared over the horizon.



SC276: Just keep running-running on, and running-running on...



Pressing play back right after taking a look at the shots I just gotten, I looked at that amazing formation in the clouds yet again. When Rainbow Dash visited me she could never fly because of the fear of somebody seeing her, I had always dreamed about her flying through the sky’s of my world,



ToonGuy: You have a set of very unimaginative fantasies.

CaptainPipsqueak: He’s into bestiality with a talking multicoloured pegasus. I don’t think imagination could keep up

SC276: You’re telling me a cloud just coincidentally ended up looking like her? Given she seems to be the only thing you can think about, I’m willing to bet you hallucinated it.



doing tricks and pulling off load sonic rainbooms flying through the clouds, as It was Rainbow Dash’s dream as well the soar through the brilliant blue sky’s of earth.



ToonGuy: Sky’s? We’re getting invaded by huge amounts of sky’s?! Hide the booze.

SC276: Judging from the typesmanship, too late.



Unlike in her world, we couldn't control the weather or the wind making it all the more unpredictable, and the Rainbow maned Pegasus loved that idea of how she could challenge herself trying to tame the wild clouds of my world, pushing herself to the limit testing our very laws of our physics.



CaptainPipsqueak: And if she could run-on sentence while doing it, that was just a bonus!

SC276: They literally just couldn’t find an open field or something?



Seeing how many incredible sonic rainbooms in rapid succession she could pull off in a single sound barrier breaking dive.



SC276: Has Dash ever done more than one at once in canon? I want to know now.



I knew Dashie would love to see this picture when she visited in a few days. Right then an idea all of a sudden struck me.



SC276: And knocked him out cold.



Why don't I get this picture framed and give it to Rainbow Dash as a gift!



JofY: Because it’s stupid and you don’t actually have a career in photography?



It was “20% cooler” than all the other sunset pictures I had taking that year after all.



JofY: 1.2 times 0 still equals 0.



Pulling the curtains back together, I turned to my writing desk that was just on the other side of them.



JofY: What does shmo even do?

CaptainPipsqueak: Whatever needs doing. Last week he was a carpenter, the week before that a gas station attendant. We don’t talk about what happened a month ago, though. Nobody died; that’s the important part.



Reaching down, I started to look through a few of the many drawings I had drawn of Rainbow Dash when she had visited about over the months. Dash had a few poses picked out that she wanted to do, curious to see how good my drawing skills had become since a couple weeks ago when she visited and I’d drawn her for the first time.



SC276: Gheeze, this guy’s dipped his toes in more artistic mediums than I have.



A lot of them still needed some more work, as that Pegasus never liked to stay still for very long… The drawing on top would always re”mane” my favorite though.



Mononeko: AHHHHH HA HA HA HA, please kill me now…

JofY: Oh, silly Mono. You can’t die here. WE WON’T LET YOU.

Mononeko: *desperately tries to look for an exit*

ToonGuy: Don’t bother, I already exhausted all of the options. Give up now and it’s easier on the brain.

SC276: Yeah, escape’s only possible when you’re in a defined space.

CaptainPipsqueak: We all float down here...



Picking up that one made me remember that night vividly of how Rainbow Dash was sitting on my bed in that pose, looking at me with those violet eyes as I could hardly keep my hand still, drawing the various lines and forming her incredible body.

Being a pony, Dash didn't normally sit like she was doing, with one of her hooves resting on the side of her head as the other one rested down on her leg, while the her back hooves laid seductively to her side, wings spared out in full



CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least her wings were saved.



, revealing more than you'd normally see if the Pegasus ware in a natural position.



JofY: More revealing than normal?... This would be NSFW if you showed a picture!

SC276: I think I drew a female anthro Eevee in that exact pose… when I was like sixteen.



It was Dash's idea to pose like that after all, and I sure wasn't about to complain.



JofY: ...I can’t imagine doing yoga like that would be comfortable.



My cheeks along with Rainbow Dash's blushed slightly as I continued to draw her full outline, working on the details of her



ToonGuy: WOAH!



face.



ToonGuy: Oh. Crisis averted.

SC276: Wait, I forgot, is he reminiscing, which makes a lot of this pointless, or did she just suddenly materialize out of nowhere.



When all the outlines had been drawn I moved along using various colored pencils to draw the prismatic colors of the spectrum on her rainbow mane and tail as she then smiled slightly asking me. “How's it look?.”



SC276: It looks like a bunch of run-on sentences. Thank god this story seems shorter than the other one...



Misunderstanding her I said, “You look amazing Dashie.” And she did, contrasting her cyan coat agence



SC276: Here is the world-famous French spy infiltrating the Cyan Coat Agence to steal classified intelligence...



the light sand colored bed sheets.“No, how's the drawing look silly.” She said, rolling her eyes up. “Oh the drawing! It’s um, It's coming along great!.” I uttered nervously. “It's so difficult not to move!.” She stated matter-of-factly.

“I know, I’ll just be a few more minutes okay.” I said, reassuring the antsy Pegasus in front of me.

With the outlines on her rainbow mane and tail now fully colored in, I picked up a cyan blue colored copic marker to finish coloring in her soft blue coat along with various other details that made my hands quiver even more than had been before.



SC276: Do we have an art guy here that can confirm whether or not mixing colored pencils and copic markers is a terrible idea?



Having finishing the drawing, Rainbow Dash excitedly jumped off my bed and flew over to me, sitting on my lap, looking at what I just drawn.



Mononeko: [Rainbow]: “It looks like shit.”



“Wow, that looks so awesome!.” she uttered joyfully. “Thanks, I think I'm starting to get the hang of this!.” I told her as she moved in, kissing me slightly on the lips and wrapping her wings around my back pulling me closer to her, continuing to kiss me even more passionately as I returned the kiss, feeling every muscle in her face intensify



ToonGuy: That’s not a good thing.



as we both applied more pressure than releasing a few moments later.



CaptainPisqueak: “It was like snogging a leather mitten.”

SC276: And they’re both making out in the freakin’ flashback, I have no idea what the hell’s even going on anymore.



“I Love You so much Dashie!,” I told her gazing into those amazing eyes. “I, I love you too stud.”



JofY: ...Is his name actually supposed to be Stud?

Crazy56U: I’m sticking with ???. Because he doesn’t deserve an actual name.



she whispered out of breathily. I then turned around to pick up the drawing I just made, turning back to her, I said. “Here, I want you to have this. “Aw I couldn't take Your drawing, It's your best work yet!”



JofY: After all, he used colored pencils instead of crayon.



Rainbow Dash said worryingly. “It's alright, I want you to have it.”

“No, I want you to keep it so that you can ya know, imagine me anytime you want to...” Dash told me caringly with a soft and sultry tone in the her voice. “Besides, it's a little too... “revealing” to take back home and show my Friends, she said starting to blush again, slightly chuckling.

“Hey now, I just Drew what I saw!.” I told her slyly. “Oh, I know you, loving to draw every “detail.”



ToonGuy: *through clenched teeth* Can I get the SWAT gear back out?!

Mononeko: Save it, this story isn’t worth it.

SC276: I’m not getting out the Golden Freddy heads again, so someone give me something else to load the slingshot with.



she told me with a devilish grin on her face. “Only the best “details” besides, it was your idea to pose like that in the first place, showing me said “details” I told the mare jokingly.



JofY: In all honestly, Dash’s pose was only 480p.

Crazy56U: You’re giving her too much credit, it was 144p at best.



“Hey, I only wanted to pose like that because You showed me that boat movie with the guy who drowns at the end...



Crazy56U: ...“The Perfect Storm”?

SC276: [Dash] “It took me a moment to remember why he didn’t just fly out.”



she told me angrily, playfully smacking my face with her hoof. “It made me totally cry my eyes out dude.”



JofY: The waste of all that money? Terrible.

Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck Titanic.



“Oh, so that's why I felt like Leonardo DiCaprio drawing that...”



JofY: [???] “And here I was thinking I was a ninja turtle.”

Crazy56U: Naked lady. Trust me, Author, you aren’t ruining anyone’s day by revealing that.



I told her with faked realization in my voice.



JofY: Wow, real Oscar performance there.

Crazy56U: So, it’s worthy of Titanic, then?



“Okay if You really want me to, I'll keep it.”

Dash then moved her head close to me resting her forehead against mine whispering

“I hate You.”



JofY: ...My god... I can’t believe it... That ‘you’ should not be capitalized!

CaptainPipsqueak: No. Clearly Dash sees the protagonist as God.



as she looked into my eyes with a caring expression, smiling slightly. I returned whispering “I know, how about next time I warn you if the movies going to be sad.”



JofY: [Dash] “Completely ruin the ending for me.”



“Alright, deal!”



JofY: [???] “Okay, our next movie is called ‘Schindler's List.’ It’s gonna be fun!”



Rainbow said hugging me as we both moved in to kiss ever passionately once again.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Again, it was like snogging a leather mitten.”



Continuing to look at the drawing and remembering all the events that transpired that night just made me miss that Pegasi even more than I had missed her before.



SC276: Boo hoo, get a hobby.



Walking back over to my nightstand and brushing my hand across the silk sheets on my bed, I reached for my iPod that was on the table, syncing it up with my wireless speaker I had under the TV in my room



SC276: You just got wireless speakers everywhere, don’t you.



as it began to play Take My Breath Away by Berlin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNYvzKy-i9k



Crazy56U: ...dear God, you actually don’t even know how to hyperlink?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Which is particularly sad because at that point FimFiction still had a Youtube link button. You had to click one button, author! ONE BUTTON!



(Great, just what I needed to depress me even more!)



Crazy56U: Yeah, “Top Gun” is really depressing, I feel ya, man…

JofY: I bet anything could get him could think of Dash.

CaptainPipsqueak: Except rainbows, for some odd reason. Just don’t do a thing for him.



I thought. But I decided to leave it play seeing as how it was a fitting end to the day, even though it made me think about her, but I guess so did most of the songs I liked listening to.



JofY: Especially all those songs about dogs and hoes.

SC276: ~Just an old-fashioned love song, playing on the radio...~



Now I was stirring at my iPod



CaptainPipsqueak: ...the cream getting all over the place...

SC276: ~M-I-X the flour into the bowl~



it for a few minutes as the song played, looking at the wallpaper on my device that was of course, “Rainbow Dash” looking all seductive sitting in my high class Ikea chair that I had in the corner of my bedroom.



Mononeko: As opposed to those lower class Ikea chairs. Pffff, who needs those!

CaptainPipsqueak: “Oh sure; they’re fine for your typical plebian, but I prefer to rest my ass on something that shouts ‘I’m better than you!’”

SC276: Dude, if you put your own wallpaper as your own picture of your crush, that’s kind of obsessive. I mean, I got my own drawing as my lock screen art, but I’m not stupid about it.



I placed the iPod back down on the side table, shortly after falling back into my bed.

The song playing on quietly as my arms spread out on either side of my head, looking over to see that was now 12am in the morning.



JofY: Midnight equals the morning.

CaptainPipsqueak: Technically, it does. Morning is the period between midnight and noon, but most people consider it the time from dawn to noon.

SC276: Still doesn’t mean he needed to put “AM” and “in the morning” in the same freakin’ sentence.



“Just two more days now.” I thought to myself, smiling contently and gradually falling off to sleep, dreaming of flying free in the the night sky's above like I had done every night since I first met that Dashing Rainbow maned Pegasus I so completely and helplessly fell in love with.



JofY: After all, the script demanded it.

SC276: Having the same dream every night is a symptom of a one-track mind. As if him having nothing else to do in his life besides the imaginary pony girlfriend wasn’t already blatantly obvious.



The End.

(actual photo I took that inspired this story)



Crazy56U: That is not provided with the story because, if it was, it would be akin to

staring into the Ark of the Covenant.

ToonGuy: At this point, I’d take it.

JofY: Oh, please. I don’t see what all the hubbub is about it. I saw inside of it; it was just a bunch of sand.

CaptainPipsqueak: The last guys just had an extreme allergic reaction. Melting faces are a symptom.

SC276: Actually, it’s there in the original webpage. Ring presumably just didn’t check his copy-paste because he was in a hurry.

CaptainPipsqueak: God knows we are.



Thanks for reading.



SC276: You’re not welcome.

JofY: “And this has been” An Evening With A Pegasus + A Pegasus In The Sky. “And personally, “wow this was ridiculous.” Let’s not even focus on the bad grammar, and focus on nothing really happens. The pacing is just boringly slow. The whole reveal of him not being able to go to Equestria could have been interesting, if it wasn’t ignored like “It isn’t actively painful though. I mean, it never actively tries to do anything, and to that sense, it’s not bad?... Yeah. Piss argument, but you get what I mean, what about the rest of you?

Mononeko: Aside from everything JofY said, this is just your standard “Human has the hots for multi colored horses” story with sometimes some admittedly hilarious grammar errors. In my opinion, romantic stories don’t really need to have much going on, but come on, at least TRY to keep it interesting.

ToonGuy: It felt just….LONG. I’ve read fanfics where the idea of a relationship is built up slowly, but this was just dull. There wasn't anything really, and that’s the problem. The main character didn’t even get a name or any personality beyond that he’s a ‘nice guy’, and it feels like Rainbow Dash got wimpified HARD. In all honesty, I’ll likely forget I even read this fanfiction in a week or so, and that’s not a good thing.

SC276: Yeah, everyone else summed it up. Much ado about freakin’ nothing. No real conflict, no real character, just one thing after another presented with terrible misuse of quotation marks - like my god have you ever read an actual book - and repetitive detail that we don’t care about. And the sequel’s short enough that it might as well have been an epilogue for all I care.

Crazy56U: To bring this full circle, I would like to remind you all yet again that the better riff option was STARING YOU IN THE FACE.

JofY: ...The Nyx fic?

Crazy56U: That too! At this point, anything other than this would’ve been the better option!

JofY: We’ve done The Catch, My Brave Unicorn, and Displaced. Are you saying this is worse than those?

Crazy56U: No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that this should not have won the poll! This was a big waste of time! COME ON.

JofY: Well, that’s not what everyone else said. Get over it.

SC276: I don’t even vote on those. I just take what’s in front of me.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: God damn, this was a trainwreck. First, I wanted to find a really terrible fic literally posted yesterday as a sort of New Year’s special… but that didn’t work out. I did manage to find a very riffable Hunger Games ripoff thing, but upon further inspection the actual story was only 2K words and the rest of the 4K-word fic was just the author doing a bunch of those “random Hunger Games generator” things with the characters. So then I tried to make it a different kind of New Year’s special by finding another really short fic posted on a previous 1/1 to accompany it, but couldn’t find any that worked. THEN, I tried to at least salvage it by trying to find another Hunger Games ripoff fic to pair it with, but none of those worked either. So, instead, you get the first riffable thing I drudged up from FFNet’s “most recent” page. Anyway, Fallen, what came to mind when I first linked you this?

Fallen Prime: Other than “why” and “fuck you?”

RingmasterJ5: I was more specifically referring to the whole “IT’S A GIANT WALL OF TEXT” bit.

Fallen Prime: Oh, psh. I didn’t even skim it. All I needed was the fucking title.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, a trilogy of terrible wall-of-text Creepypastas by an author who inexplicably has the largest hate-boner for Facebook I’ve ever seen. (Otherwise known as “DiscordExe” by DiscordXChaos)

Crazy56U: ...wow, 2016 already sucks...



Preface:



RingmasterJ5: Before we begin I just want to say that all three of these stories were posted in December of 2015, which is something you should probably keep in mind as you read.

SC276: So, last month? So it’s fresh out of the oven. Good for pizza, bad for half-baked stories.

Crazy56U: Terrible for half-baked pizza. ...wait...



Facebook has the most unhelpful ways to get back your account after being blocked.



CaptainPipsqueak: They’re actually doing you a favour but be as angry as you wish.

ToonGuy: So this is pretty much Sonic.EXE just with a different character?

Crazy56U: ...so, does this mean you’re going to rip off “Unfriended” then?



Especially fake ones.



Crazy56U: Facebook has fake ways to get your account back?

ToonGuy: They’re like that one kid who doesn’t stop trying to sucker punch you.



So I wrote this narrative in an attempt to explain what truly was going on in their servers, why their tech support is terrible, and my anger to Facebook as they have banned my account twice for being under a false name.



JofY: How dare they! All he wants to do is shame girls on the internet! What’s wrong with that?

Crazy56U: So, in other words, instead of doing the sensible thing and dropping Facebook like a cheap habit, you’re basically going to vilify the site? Didn’t “The Social Network” already do that?



This is the story of how Facebook fell.



RingmasterJ5: Not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with thousands of shitty Minion memes.

SC276: This is the sort of thing that one should write down in a Word document and then not post on the Internet.

Crazy56U: And already the Author has failed, since Facebook is still up and is still a thing. A terrible, terrible thing...



( P.S. : By the way, this takes place in September 2012, one year after Season 2 Episode 1 of My Little Pony, "The Return of Harmony Part 1" aired.



JofY: Why? Because apparently this fic about, what I’m guessing from the title, a computer thing, needs to be in continuity with MLP.

Crazy56U: ...so, around the time “The Crystal Empire” premiered?



This alternate timeline suggests it took much more time for Facebook to be invented simply because the idea wasn't interesting to any company and no one was willing to support it.)



CaptainPipsqueak:...’kay?

ToonGuy: Uh…..did we miss a couple of pages where this...I dunno, made sense?

SC276: One, both halves of “Return of Harmony” were aired in September 2011, so why not just reference the whole two-parter instead of just the first half? Two, I don’t know much about the history of Facebook, but I’m pretty sure MySpace existed by this time and if Facebook didn’t happen, MySpace might still be doing shit, so everyone would be on MySpace instead of Facebook and basically you have no idea how causality works. Three, if you need a postscript (or is it prescript?) in the author notes before the text itself, you’re terrible at establishing setting.

Crazy56U: So, I guess this means that Mark Zuckerberg never met up with the Winklevoss twins, but they already had a Facebook-esque idea in mind, so I don’t know what- a majority of my riffs so far have been about Facebook, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!



DiscordXChaos



JofY: ...I thought we were doing a creepypasta, not a ship fic.

CaptainPipsqueak: Are they mutually exclusive?

Crazy56U: And thus, the Facebook/MLP Creepypasta became a MLP/Sonic shipfic.

...2016 fucking sucks.

ToonGuy: I’ll get the booze ready. Maybe add a little rat poison in, night is still young.



My name's Jarom Jezrel ,



CaptainPipsqueak: “Hi, Jarom!”

SC276: No, it’s DiscordXChaos, pay attention already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. He’ll always be “Jarom” to me. Maybe we could compromise and call him “Jamjar”?

ToonGuy: Or Jar Jam Binks?

CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s not go too far.

Crazy56U: “and this is the story of how I sued my parents for my shitty name!”



I was working at this new company called "Facebook".



SC276: Oh god it’s one of these where the narrator is part of the company, like “Squidward’s Suicide.” Also, I just thought of something: establishing an alternate universe ruins the entire point of creepypasta, doesn’t it? I mean, if the idea is to tell a campfire ghost story like it actually happened, saying it takes place in an alternate timeline breaks that in half freakin’ immediately. It’s like you’re too angry to freakin’ try.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, since Facebook only just now got invented, that means everyone who would be using it are on MySpace. ...this is a strange timeline we’re in right now…

Scarlet: Discord apparently discovered the net at some point.



It had just came out, so all of it was pretty new to me as in terms of how to use it. I know how to fix it,



Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(applies a bandage to a computer monitor) All better!”

ToonGuy: “And here’s a lollipop for being such a good boy!”



but I don't go on it that very much because I work there



Crazy56U: Which... is not possible... ...unless he uses Tumblr when he’s supposed to be working…

Scarlet: The dreadful history of the invention of Twitter.



and just being tech support for Facebook already gives me enough on my hands.



JofY: I see Facebook in this universe hires tech support from Comcast.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “(hands are covered in blood) ...the horror... ...the horror...”

Scarlet: [Jarom] “Have you tried making sure Facebook is plugged in?”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or turning it off and then back on again?



I was busy working on a way to let people invite others to play games they enjoy when suddenly one odd invite appeared.



JofY: “I call it ‘Farmville.’”

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “It was for a party, which makes no sense, since I have no

friends…”

ToonGuy: So he sent the invite to himself? ...I’ll buy it.

Scarlet: “Make a contract?”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Here, use this pen. Relax, that’s just red ink. Not… not like it would be anything else, of course.



It was weird because the feature hadn't been installed on Facebook yet.



JofY: Not only that, but it linked to a CD, which hadn’t been invented yet!

SC276: For a moment, I thought it was talking about inviting people to be your friend, which seems like exactly the sort of thing this author would write about.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Which was double weird, since I was supposed to install that!”



It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos".



Crazy56U: Wow. We’re just… we’re just going in raw, aren’t we?

Scarlet: This author’s hardcore.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bite the mousepad, I’m going in dry!



His game he wanted me to play was entitled "Evil Chaos".



Crazy56U: Plot Twist: It’s actually “Farmville”.



Luckily for me, I had a friend who was into the show and knew who he was.



JofY: You had a friend that was into the Bible show? Also, remember this, I’ll be bringing it up later.

SC276: Your first action wasn’t to make sure the game actually existed? Also, you’re not telling anyone about something that’s using a feature that hasn’t been implemented yet? Especially since you just got hired, so there’s no way you’re at the point in your career where you can just keep things like that to yourself.

ToonGuy: Also, as far as you know, he’s a fictional character! Unless you think John De Lancie- Praise to him- has actually messaged you out of the blue, then I would severely rethink how you view the world.

Crazy56U: ...is your “friend” actually Google? Because... yeah, I don’t see you actually having friends. ...let alone a friend.



This "character" was the spirit of chaos and disharmony in the show.



CaptanPipsqueak: I AM SHODAN

JofY: ‘It was really more of a local.’

SC276: You know Japan actually has a traffic light god?

Scarlet: God damn it SC, I can’t pause to lecture about Shinto right now!

Crazy56U: ...yes Jarom, he is a character. It’s not like Discord is a toaster or

anything...



The odd thing was the picture wasn't your usual bright colored, light toned Discord.



JofY: They used Photoshop!

ToonGuy: Already they’ve committed a sin in changing the design for no real reason!

Crazy56U: Because hearing a one sentence explanation about the guy means you now

know what he looks like.

Scarlet: Dark red and possibly bleeding.



His body was a dark red Rosewood color with his mane Red and his tail the same color. His bear paw was Vermillion and his eagle's claw was a Terra cotta shade. His right dragon claw was a Dim Grey



CaptainPipsqeak: Not just workaday ‘dim grey’, but Dim Grey, the master of all greys!

Scarlet: Vermillion, the bear paw’s true identity!

Crazy56U: Hey, you asshole, you leave Grey out of this! Just because he is a slow

learner does NOT mean he’s “dim”!

CaptainPipsqueak: No, it’s a Chinese snack plate; a variant of Dim Sum.



and his other horse hoof was Silver.



ToonGuy: IT’S NO USE!

Crazy56U: 100% Silver? God, that’s gotta be expensive... ... (pulls out a hacksaw)

CaptainPipsqueak: The horse hoof was Silver. Oh lawdy.



His horns were Black with Red strokes around them. His wings were each Dark Grey.



JofY: All in all, it was soooo last season.

SC276: Because colors must be capitalized. Didn’t you see the memo addendum to the Manual of Proper Internet Grammar?

Scarlet: I think I burned that last year.

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Discord’s a goth here.



I wondered who this was and how they could get into our servers, when we haven't even made the new update to Facebook's page yet.



JofY: ‘My coworkers never play pranks on one another.’

Scarlet: Given he thinks he works at a start-up version of Facebook in 2012, I’m not sure if these co-workers are real or just another part of his hallucination.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I’m starting to think that Alt-Facebook is nothing more than a front for the local mob!



I was telling myself to not check the link out, but some crazy curiosity



Crazy56U: AKA “Because plot.”



was telling me to go check it out. Against my better judgement, I clicked on the link.



JofY: It showed him how he wasn’t gonna give you up.

CaptainPipsqueak: What a let-down.

Crazy56U: And then his computer exploded. THE END



It took me to the game, which again, we hadn't made that feature available to the public or anyone at all for that matter.



JofY: ‘It’s attempts at filling in the UI elements we hadn’t put yet… Wasn’t too seamless.’

Crazy56U: Alt-Facebook is basically the equivalent of a GeoCities website made by a

fifth-grader in 1997.



I accepted the terms of the game, again, avoiding that consciousness that told me to not to do it, and the game started up.



SC276: Forget that the game shouldn’t exist, this guy is an idiot for agreeing to play a game that doesn't exist. Also, who actually clicks those “invite to play this” messages?!

ToonGuy: Only thing that could have been worse is if the game was called ‘Nigarian Priince, Give Money’

Scarlet: [Randy from Scream] “Never, under any circumstances, say you will be right back.”

Crazy56U: Is this Facebook job the first time Jarom ever used a computer, let alone

the Internet? If I didn’t know better, I’d assume he just invited himself to a bout of

viruses and identity theft!



For some odd reason, the game went to full-screen, which was very different, because most games we were going to allow on Facebook weren't capable of doing such a deed.



JofY: Using new and inventive features? The horror!

SC276: “We were going to allow”? You haven’t added any games yet? And yet you don’t find it odd in the freakin’ slightest that you’re playing a game on a platform that doesn’t have games yet? You have less survival instincts than most escort mission characters!

ToonGuy: Maybe it’s like a perception filter, where Discord’s magic is making him not notice the plot holes and misdirecting it….man, I gave that more actual thought than need be. Won’t make that mistake again!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, those are fun. “Hey look, a heavily armed warship! I’ll fly my weaponless ship over and say ‘Hi!’ Hi, heavily armed warship! Wanna be besties? OHMYFU…”

Crazy56U: Okay, look, I don’t know much about Facebook. I don’t use Facebook. I

don’t want to acknowledge Facebook. ...and yet, to me, none of this sounds right.

There is no way Facebook, even Alt-Facebook, would be this poorly put together. I know you want to vilify the website, but this is too much. ...I just defended Facebook, I feel dirty…

CaptainPipsqueak: And so you should. You go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.



This was a 2D side-scrolling pixel platformer and role-playing game.



JofY: Not only that, but it had a ‘Game Maker’ watermark on it!

SC276: I’ll let that pass because, by the story’s admitted setting, Undertale doesn’t exist yet.

Crazy56U: You’re right, Author, why aren’t I playing Earthbound right now instead of

this?

Scarlet: Pixel platformer/roleplaying combo… my god, it’s Zelda II!

Crazy56U: You’re right, Scarlet, why aren’t I playing Zelda II right now instead of

this?



The game started you off as a character with Electric Blue hair, Peach skin, Teal jacket with the "Facebook" logo on the right side of the chest and khakis, and blue sandals with the tops that had White socks peaking out of them.



JofY: Great, I can no longer see in my imagination. Thanks for that.

CaptainPipsqueak: i Can SMeLl thE COLourS. Can yoU smEll THe COLOurs?

Fallen Prime: 1 C4N T4ST3 TH3M >:]

CaptainPipsqueak: ...you lucky bastard.

Crazy56U: Fonts are fun to use!

ToonGuy: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NEVER ENDING STOOOORY! ANYTHING I SAY HERE SOUNDS BADASS!

Crazy56U: I CAN’T HEAR YOU

CaptainPipsqueak: Nope. Nope, you killed it. You killed it and fuck you.

Crazy56U: Somebody had to.



The top corner showed a red health bar and below that a blue magic bar.



JofY: Opposed to the normally plaid health bar and puke colored magic bar.

SC276: More like puke-colored story bar.

ToonGuy: All this talk of bars is making me thirsty! *places bottle in front* So who wants to crack first?

Scarlet: This game coded with baby’s first RPG system!

Crazy56U: This was made with Game Maker, wasn’t it.



The whole background was a forest that was only illuminated by the red moon behind them. The creepy thing that literally wanted to make me puke was the dead ponies everywhere,



JofY: *spits out water* WAIT, WHAT!?

RingmasterJ5: Imagine this guy at a murder scene. “He was wearing a fetching blue vest with matching jeans, there was a large tree in the distance… and oh yeah his head was ten feet away from his body.”

ToonGuy: They should have sent a poet….cause he would have done a better job.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m sorry; I should have mentioned that first, shouldn’t I? It’s just the scene was so inspiring…”

Crazy56U: (with fake enthusiasm) And with that, we’re ripping off Sonic.exe!



you'd think this was real becuase of the blood textures.



JofY: This game uses blood textures? Wow. Now you know it’s real.

SC276: If it’s a pixel-game, why would the designers in any capacity want a player to think it could be real? I almost feel embarrassed for gaming for being involved in any capacity in this story.

Crazy56U: Were they hyper-realistic, Jarom?



It was like someone took 3D Animation or a Live Video and put it into the game.



JofY: Why would a 2D game need 3D blood?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because...Oh look over there! It’s a bird!

JofY: Ooooh!

Crazy56U: So... It was like a video game?



Or it was real. No, that can't be, how could you use real blood in a videogame?



JofY: Swap the fake blood out for real one.

SC276: Can we swap out this story for a real one, then?

ToonGuy: I’ve got a voucher, we could try.

Crazy56U: You gotta use that C++, it makes magic happen.



I wasn't sure, but I hated the look of it.



JofY: Probably because of the poor art choices I mentioned earlier.

ToonGuy: Then knock it off! Just use that ESCAPE key.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Feh. I can make better blood textures than that, no problem! Just give me MS Paint and Photoshop, I’ll work wonders.”



So, I tested out the buttons.



Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Hmmm… (presses a button) (computer shuts down)”

JofY: [Jarom] “Alright, what about this one?”



W, A, S, D were to move and the N button was to attack and the M button was to fire a blue fire projectile.



SC276: OK, uh. If WASD is being used for movement, that usually means the mouse is being used by the other hand. Otherwise, you’d just use the arrows and probably Z and X for action keys.

Scarlet: Yeah, even on my tiny laptop keyboard the placement is a bit weird.

Crazy56U: But, what about the spacebar?



I walked forward slowly, almost like I was cautious not to step on any of the deceased animals on the ground.



JofY: How? You already said that there were dead ponies everywhere.

Crazy56U: By being cautious, duh.



Running now, fearing for my videogame life,



JofY: He might not be able to play Skyrim after this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Fus-Ro-Damnit!

SC276: Did he already forget his fake creepypasta game is supposed to be 2D?

ToonGuy: Also that he shouldn’t be able to play it!?

Crazy56U: This Let’s Play sucks.

CaptainPipsqueak: More like “Let’s Suck” amIrite?



I hurried to the end of the screen where there was the gloomy Discord from before, except he was holding a pony's head and blood was dripping from his mouth, hands, and down his body.



JofY: He had cut himself while shaving.

CaptainPipsqueak: I hate when that happens; it just goes on for hours.

ToonGuy: *glumly looks at his beardless chin* Lucky bastards.

Crazy56U: Holy shit, we are ripping off Sonic.exe!



I just about screamed at him to stop his killing spree when he edged closer to me.



JofY: ...Ewww.

SC276: Wait, in real life or was there an action key for actually doing that?

Crazy56U: Well, given how much bullshit and magic have been programed into this

game, maybe there is a “scream nonsense” key. ...the spacebar, maybe...



I tried to move backwards, but I was held in place by some invisible force.



JofY: Perhaps by an ‘invisible wall’ of some sort.

SC276: That’s called “being in a boss arena.” Have you never played a video game before?

Scarlet: They never notice the first fog gate.

Crazy56U: Uh oh, he doesn’t realize that this is a cutscene...



He continued to move toward me and I pressed every button on the keyboard, but to no avail.



SC276: Did that include actually shooting at him? With the blue fire projectile that you said you had?

Scarlet: Sssssh, that’s the third act twist!

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “ (while punching keyboard) Why! Isn’t This! WORKING?!”



He was coming closer to me and I decided to try and quit out of the game with Control-Alt-Delete. Not even that worked.



JofY: Okay, what about Alt+F4? Alt+Tab? Shutting off the computer?

CatainPipsqueak: ...unplugging it, something logical like that?

ToonGuy: Hold the power button down, wait for it to knock off?

SC276: How about the Escape Key? Even the Pointy-Haired Boss thought to try that.

Crazy56U: Delete System32, it will solve all of your problems.



He approached me and grabbed me with his bear paw and choked me.



Crazy56U: [Discord] “WHY YOU LITTLE!”



Then the game prompted me to mash the N button.



JofY: So, we have bad art choices, an excess of blood, and now, quick time events. Is this Castlevania: Lord of Shadows?

Scarlet: Okay, that IS creepy.

Crazy56U: So, now we’re ripping off Sonic Unleashed? Really?



I did and then it prompted me to mash the M button.



CaptainPipsqueak: Button, no! He had so much to live for! Take me instead, God; TAKE MEEEEE!

Scarlet: The game prompted me to do the hokey-pokey and turn myself about.

Crazy56U: And then it told him to mash the Shift key, but that just triggered Sticky

Keys, leading to Discord murdering him.



This didn't work, and the Master of Chaos shot a fireball which charred me and left my character realistically burnt and scarred unable to move.



JofY: The kind of realism that only comes from 8-bit.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pfft. Sixteen-bit for life, bitches.

Scarlet: A chiptune version of “Requiem” played softly.

Crazy56U: Wait, is this now a Mario creepypasta? What happened to this being about

Facebook? Not that I care all that much, but...



Blood dripping letters that were in capitals and a black screen faded in front of me that said



Crazy56U: “geeettttttt dunked on”



"Want to play again? Do you want me to make it easier to beat the Lord of Chaos?"



JofY: Would you like to play on easy? Wimp.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Do you want me to get you through the hard part?”

SC276: This creepypasta monster sucks at game design. Who puts two entire sentences in a stylistic-yet-likely-moderately-difficult-to-read font? I actually feel offended!

Scarlet: Discord trolls the game design community.

Crazy56U: [Discord] “Go on, pick Easy Mode, you baby scrub baby.”



I stupidly pressed yes went on playing the game.



SC276: You really ARE an idiot.

CaptainPipsqueak: And that’s why we love him!

ToonGuy: WE DO?!! Well that means I’ll have to cancel the heat seeking missile I was preparing to launch at his house.

Scarlet: He wouldn’t suffer that way, ToonGuy.

JofY: Besides, per my contract, I have to try and stop all ways of interrupting, corrupting, or ruining the fic, other than the standard method until we’re finished.

ToonGuy: You got a contract? I just assumed we all just got press ganged into doing this.

Crazy56U: Well... At least Jarom’s self-aware.

CaptainPipsqueak: Dumb as a sack of silverware, but self-aware.



I continued down the way past where he had choked me. I turned around and he was gone.



JofY: Oh, it was an in game story element!? Or is it just bad checkpointing?



For the moment. Just after that, Discord appeared behind me and chased me.



Scarlet: ...this was literally copy-pasted as a concept from the Godzilla NES creepypasta. Look that up. Seriously.

Crazy56U: When in doubt, plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize!



A text appeared above my character that almost seemed to shout at me saying "RUN!" This text flashed and I ran as fast as my keyboard could take me.



JofY: Translation: He held down a button.

CaptainPipsqueak: But thrillingly. Does anyone else feel thrilled?

ToonGuy: *picks up keyboard. Taps buttons* Look. I’m doing it. Wheeee.

SC276: ...I just sat here for like three minutes trying to figure out something that could properly respond this idiocy. I got nothing. This guy has never played a video game in his fucking life.

Crazy56U: Don’t worry guys, the keyboard is going to save the day!



But, every time I tried to run, I felt I was on a treadmill.



JofY: The game had glitched out.

Crazy56U: And so Jarom turned into Michael Jackson.



I couldn't go any faster and he was about to kill me.



Scarlet: The reason this worked in the source material is that Godzilla NES was never a game with chase segments. It was a weird, freaky thing that seemed to have inserted itself into the game, and wasn’t even initially dangerous so much as it was bizarre. Do you even know how to atmosphere?

Crazy56U: Please, everyone knows that atmosphere is a myth… Just like competent storytelling or decent characterization.



I turned around and mashed the M button to throw blue fireballs at him. That didn't work and not even the attack button helped. Proceeding that, the game showed another text saying "Hold the M button down to fire a super charged blast to stop the monster!"



JofY: Oh, this is all just a stupid tutorial.

CaptainPipsqueak: God, I hate those, especially if they’re unskippable.

Crazy56U: “Trust me, it totally will work, Pinkie Swear!”



I did so and my character proceeded to fire a blast which did make the Discord disappear, but to only reappear behind me. I again held the M button down and made him go away.



Scarlet: The end.

Crazy56U: Discord, teleport spamming is a shit thing to do...



Every time I did this, he would teleport to the other side and I'd have to shoot the blast at him again.



Scarlet: ...that’s the boss fight from Sonic.exe. This story is so lame it is actually legit just copying bits from video game creepypasta.

Crazy56U: But why Sonic.exe of all things? The author clearly has some semblance of quality, as seen in the ripping off of NES Godzilla Creepypasta, so why go for that?



This continued until he appeared in front of my character and proceeded to kill my character. The death was more realistic and gory this time.



JofY: Realistic, or gritty?

SC276: This guy has no idea how pixels work, does he.

ToonGuy: He has about as much knowledge as that goddamn Adam Sandler movie.

Crazy56U: Never bring that up ever again.

CaptainPipsqueak: He knows how to spell it, at least.



He took his eagle claw and pierced my heart all the way through and let blood spurt out in all directions, ripping my heart out



Crazy56U: He stole your heart, then? ...damnit, this is a ship fic!

ToonGuy: The very next day, he gave it away.



and-and- this next part's hard to tell.



JofY: ‘He... tickled me.’

CaptainPipsqueak: “Can you show us on this doll where the spirit of chaos touched you?”

Scarlet: Ishoy and Oiram next, you know you want to! Ooh, or maybe Ben Drowned!

Crazy56U: Dude, the Author’s writing isn’t that hard to read, stop kidding yourself.



He ate my heart.



JofY: *munching on a different heart* Hey, it’s delicious.

CaptainPipsqueak: If you say it tastes like chicken, I will fucking end you.

JofY: ...No, it tastes like beef. Why would you think a pony heart tastes like chicken?

SC276: Hard to tell? You just told it.

Crazy56U: (eats a box of candy hearts) ...eh... Don’t get the appeal...



And then threw my body to the ground and crushed my skull in sending brains and blood every which way.



JofY: GORE SUPLEX FOR THE WIN!!!!

SC276: Bet you’re wishing he turned ponies to stone now, huh?

CaptainPipsqueak: FATALI...no, that’s too easy.

Crazy56U: You have brains?!



The last screen I ever saw that was a message from this Devilish-Demonic-Discord was "That was a great game!



SC276: Come over here so I can stab you with my college transcript that makes me more of an expert on game design than you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit, I’ve been around for as long as video games have existed.

Scarlet: Gotcha! That was a fun duel!

Crazy56U: ...eh, better than Sonic Boom... 7/10 Too much pixels IGN



How about one last time? You win and I'll leave you guys alone! I win, and all of Facebook is gone forever!



JofY: Clearly random IT guy can make these kinds of decisions!

SC276: Well given the author’s bias, placing bets on this outcome seems counterproductive.

Scarlet: Facebook. Discord wants to destroy Facebook. Why? It seems like his kind of place!

Crazy56U: I love how Discord thinks this is a dire challenge, but really, it’s win-win.



How does that sound? Fair enough, isn't it?



JofY: Hmm… The possibility of destroying a company that employs thousands, or having to deal with an annoyance...

Crazy56U: Again, win-win.



Will you proceed?" I, foolishly, clicked yes and the last trial began.



JofY: Last trial? When did you finish the first?

CaptainPipsqueak: And a better question: When will we?

ToonGuy: Maybe this is what Purgatory is. Reading really stupid stories. Forever.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “First, though, I had to input my credit card information to

purchase more lives.”



It was the thing I shouldn't have done, because I was-



JofY: Already dead?

ToonGuy: A alien?

Crazy56U: Poked with a stick?

CaptainPipsqueak: Really fucking stupid?



well let me tell you, I won't spoil it.



Crazy56U: Get bent, sir. (pokes you with a stick)



Continuing on, my character now came across enemies who were undead ponies brought back to life by that Satanic creature.



JofY: Finally turning it into an actual game.

Scarlet: Unfortunately it was an unlicensed Dark Souls mod and was pulled from Steam.

Crazy56U: Huh, Discord let Lucifer make the final trial?



Some had their chests ripped open, some were missing parts of their brains, and others were losing a few limbs or more.



JofY: That part, made them quite useless as enemies.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “Some were even dressed up as football players or disco stars-

wait, this is a Plants vs. Zombies clone…”



This was just getting too too real and intense that I had to tell someone about this atrocity that made it's way to me.



JofY: Pixilated ponies are just too real!

CaptainPipsqueak: Pixel-based ponies practically people? Perfect!

SC276: How about the guy that told you who Discord was? Come to think of it, if Facebook’s still starting up, the development team is probably small enough, and the development office small enough, that your shouts and screams from reacting to this game should’ve attracted attention. As someone who was part of a team of six that made a social media web app, I know these things. You should’ve drawn a crowd by now.

ToonGuy: I thought we mentioned that Mr Tester over here has no one who cares what he’s doing? Maybe this is like a regular thing and they’ve just decided it’s better for him to ride out this drug high on his own.

Crazy56U: [Jarom] “But again, no friends, so anyone who decides to read this is close enough in my book…”



I moved on, with much guilt and sorrow, destroying these precious ponies lives that had now become an undead nightmare and a walking symbol of the horrible things that Hellish Beast Discord did.



SC276: Dude, they’re video game characters. This isn’t freakin’ Undertale here.

Scarlet: Not unless this is what happens when Discord attempts a Genocide run.

Crazy56U: Or, plot twist, a Pacifist run…

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m playing a sociopath run in Fallout 3. Just blew up Megaton, but not before killing everyone and cribbing their stuff. They’re going to atomized, right? Now I’m at Rivet City and playing nice.



Doubting I could ever save my company from its terrible fate,



JofY: Your company? You’re barely IT!

Scarlet: The protagonist, Mark Zuckerman.

Crazy56U: Motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg, Jesus Christ.



I decided to move forward, with more determination to defeat this awful murderer. The enemies didn't seem to get tougher, but there were more of them.



JofY: Oi! Padding foul!

SC276: Even more examples of crap design.

Scarlet: What we’ve established here is that Disord makes cheap-ass fake-hard video games that kill you in cheap ways to simulate difficulty.

Crazy56U: And thus this became a Plants vs. Zombies 2 ripoff...



At the end there were the Mane Six, my friend told me were the main characters of My Little Pony, (You know: Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy),



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you for that. Now we all know for sure.

SC276: Your friend is there and yet he’s not reacting to anything on your screen?!

ToonGuy: Maybe it’s past tense or… OR maybe the friend is Discord and he’s already won and is just mocking IT Guy! And that’s the twist! …or not. I’m very tired.

Crazy56U: Again, Jarom uses Google and tries to make it seem like his life isn’t sad...



all with very wide eyes and small pupils and devilish grins with their mouths open unnaturally wide and their teeth unnaturally white.



JofY: They had just come from a trip to the dentist!

CaptainPipsqueak: They still had all the gritty stuff on them, too!

Scarlet: Literally ripped off from Creepypasta artwork, largely ZALGO-meme inspired. Jesus, at least Spike The Killer Baby had rag dolls!

Crazy56U: (grabs head) Goddamnit, I had blocked that out….



They looked like they were brainwashed or became insane after everypony ever was killed by Discord.



JofY: Props then to the PIXEL art for displaying that.

SC276: Why would they have white teeth at all in that case?

Scarlet: The mark of insanity is good dental hygiene.

Crazy56U: Or Pinkie had another cocaine party and everyone had a little too much fun, if ya catch my drift...



They all came towards me. I had no choice, no option. Some thought came into my mind to press "W, A, S, D, N, and M"



SC276: All at a time? The voice at your head sucks at making things clear.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ow! My Christing fuck; I knew it was a wall of text, but couldn’t one of you have dewalled it first?

RingmasterJ5: De-walling isn’t done here because the fics are presented in their original forms. If the people finding the fic had to suffer through the wall, so do you.

SC276: Y’know, except when people don’t put their riffs before the spaces between words so everyone else knows the paragraph continues, though I suppose that’s mostly my style choice…

CaptainPipqueak: Makes it harder to do. And technically, I guess we’re dewalling it as we go.

SC276: How is it harder to make sure the cursor is-? No, dropping it here, we’re tangeting.

CaptainPipsqueak: Tangents are fun. So are segues. Digressions are neat if you can pull them off. ... What were we talking about again?

Crazy56U: The death of Facebook by means of some spooky spaghetti.



I wasn't sure where, but I think the "Man Upstairs" clearly wanted me to beat this Satan-like creature and his pony squad.



JofY: Clearly God wants you to from the fact that...

SC276: Given he threatened the company, I would assume so, yes.

Scarlet: [Jesus] “How am I supposed to spread my word without social media? You have to win this, Whitebread IT Man!”

Crazy56U: Oh, great, as if the pile of crossovers/plagiarisms wasn’t big enough, now

you’ve roped “The LEGO Movie” into this!



So I did and the buttons shot a giant blue blast towards the ponies and annihilated all of them.



JofY: How did he get through them? He got through them.

Scarlet: I see that Discord forgot to disable the Konami Code.

ToonGuy: Well….that was rather anti-climactic.

Crazy56U: And now we can add Street Fighter to that pile! STOP RIPPING THINGS

OFF!



I didn't prepare for what happened next.



JofY: ‘I actually won something!’

CaptainPipsqueak: “I just had to send them my credit card number for security purposes.”

Crazy56U: And then the computer exploded.



The screen went dark and a high pitched, almost realistic scream was heard and then the demonic face of Discord appeared saying, "You Lost! You cheated!



JofY: ...How?

SC276: Yeah, exactly. It could only be in the game if you put it there! At which point, it’s barely a cheat!

Scarlet: He’s just mad because he hadn’t figured out how to do that combo himself and got stuck on this level.

Crazy56U: [Discord] “You were actually playing the game this time?! FUCK YOU!”



The game's over and I win!" I knew now I probably wouldn't keep my job after what I was entailed with doing.



JofY: Besides the fact that Facebook is now gone.

Scarlet: Because nobody at Facebook keeps back-ups of anything.

Crazy56U: And thus Discord blew up Facebook. THE END



Keeping the whole company alive.



JofY: Yes, it’s random IT guy’s job to keep an entire company afloat.

Crazy56U: Well, this is Alt-Facebook...



I failed. I even thought God was on my side.



Crazy56U: You honestly thought God wanted Facebook to be saved?! ... (violently

laughs)



I guess that was a cheat code, and it let Discord win because the program told it to.



JofY: ...Huh?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, sir; Captain Logic, right here, folks!

SC276: Why would he even put a freakin’ cheat code in there? I mean, I haven’t known Discord to play fair, but this takes place in an alternate continuity where Facebook is a startup, the author couldn’t possibly have known that!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, he also thinks people friend each other on 4chan, unless he’s being sarcastic or ironic or some form of ‘ic’.

Crazy56U: Because, according to the Author’s loose grasp of the subject, that’s how programming works. Either that or the Author took inspiration from GTA IV fucking you out of achievements if you used cheats...



Now I was ashamed. Just then, another final message appeared "Thanks for playing and I hope see you… in Hell!" The game quit out and my boss called me on the phone.



Scarlet: [Boss] “Jarom, we’ve talked about playing video games on company time. Especially those haunted ones!”

Crazy56U: [Boss] “Were you seriously playing that Discord fucker’s game?! I sent out a memo about this!”



He shouted through the phone"Get your freaking keister



CaptainPipsqueak: [Jarom] “I’m sorry, sir, but I assure you my keister most definitely does not “freak”.

Crazy56U: Because apparently in the timeline where Facebook’s creation got pushed

back 8 years, all swearing in the world got regressed to 1960s preschool level

nonsense.

ToonGuy: Gotta go BACK in time.



in here and tell me what the hay is going on!"



Crazy56U: ...either that, or Jarom’s boss is actually Twilight in disguise...



I replied "Yes sir."



I walked down the corridor of shame



CaptainPipsqueak: Carpeted with the Carpet of Woe.

SC276: Torches placed regularly along the walls…

CaptainPipsqueak: And the air filled with the wailings of fired secretaries who are chained there...

Crazy56U: And he was forced to walk down it completely naked while everyone

pointed and laughed at him.

ToonGuy: And with a note saying ‘KICK ME’ near his penis.

JofY: And it was badly lit. All and all, the feng shui was just terrible.



to his office where I knew he was going to fire me right on the spot. There, I opened the door and sat at his chair.



JofY: Wow, you are an idiot.

SC276: I know, right?

Crazy56U: Well, if he was going down, at least Jarom’s going down in a blaze of...

glory?

Scarlet: I can only assume he did it Riker-style, for extra points.



He clearly seemed more ticked off than usual, and that's saying something.



JofY: Maybe because you sat on HIS CHAIR!

Crazy56U: Nah, he had hemorrhoids.



A guy like him never gets more than ticked off. That's enraged. That's what he was like now.



SC276: That’s you. That’s what you sound like right now.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Thank for explain the mechanic of mad.

JofY: This is your brain on mad. Any questions?



"Jarom!" He yelled at me,



ToonGuy: Bless you!

Crazy56U: [Boss] “I thought I told you to change your stupid name!!!”



even though we were staring each other in the face



Crazy56U: Oh, goody, now Jarom’s face is going to be covered in spit...



"Do you know what you just did by letting whatever program that was into our servers?!"



Scarlet: [Boss] “I know it was you who did it because I backtraced it and you’ve been reported to the cyber police!”

Crazy56U: Ooh, ooh, let me guess, shenanigans?!



"No I don't sir…" I put my head down in shame.



SC276: Pretty sure you do, bubbleh.

Crazy56U: I know that this won’t be relevant in a bit, but how exactly did you get a job for Facebook again?



"You just erased all of our data and files to update Facebook and even the original code for it!



JofY: Because they never backed up their data.

SC276: He even got to their Git repository? And, y’know, everything on paper? Our web app development had a lot of paper.

CaptainPipsqueak: And portable media? DVD? Memory cards? Good fuck; do none of you understand the term ‘hard-copy backup’?

Crazy56U: Basically, Discord took a magnet to Facebook, killing it. Makes sense to me!



Do you know what this means?! Facebook no longer exists,



Crazy56U: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!



and thanks to you, all of us lose our jobs!"



SC276: [boss] “Because it’s not like we can just try again since, given we were testing how to invite people to games, we all know what we’re doing now!”

ToonGuy: “Yes, we’re such a good company that just one employee can destroy everything we’ve worked for, and we won’t bother trying again, so everyone must go! I’M SUCH A SMARTIE!”

Crazy56U: Oh. ... ... ... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!



"Sir- I didn't!"



"Yes you did! Now get out before I call a law enforcement officer to take care of you!"



CaptainPipsqueak: “Or thank you! Or punch you in the face! One of the three! Maybe

all three! Why am I yelling?!”

SC276: They’re called “police” or “cops,” boss-person.

CaptainPipsqueak: He wanted to use big fancy words so he doesn’t sound like the head of a company of buffoons.

ToonGuy: Too late.

Crazy56U: Or, you could pull out a gun and do it yourself, Mr. Boss...



I ran out of there and out of the building never ever to come back again.



JofY: ‘Should have probably gotten my stuff first.’

Scarlet: I don’t think he’ll miss it, it’s mostly NES cartridges with the name of the game written in sharpie.

Crazy56U: Except he returned five minutes later to try and get his last paycheck.



I was happy that now I could leave that hayhole of a place



Crazy56U: Yes, because even though you yourself used the word “Satanic”, using the phrase “hellhole” would just be silly!



that clearly wasn't for me after this life-threatening experience.



JofY: That’s not even counting the game!

Crazy56U: How was that life threatening, you sucked at video games when you

should’ve been working!



Now I would be doomed to exile after forcing the biggest Social Media company to go extinct and wiped off the face of this planet.



JofY: So now it’s no longer a startup?

SC276: This is why I try to avoid doing stuff when angry. Continuity goes out the window.

ToonGuy: How did you know what he ruined next? Bill Gates was pissed.

Scarlet: I remember the wild west days when Facebook exploded because of My LIttle Pony. Good times.

Crazy56U: But Facebook literally was just getting started in this universe, I doubt it

reached the level of “popularity” it did here! Calm down, you’re making this way

bigger than it should be!



I would just go home and be a bum for a couple weeks so I could find a job where the stress and pressure wasn't on me too much.



JofY: Uh… No, that is not what a bum is.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, bumism is kind of set on the theory that you lack a house.

ToonGuy: Actually, lacking a lot of things.

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the implication is that he’s going to be evicted from his

house soon due to helping kill Facebook.



Only, I couldn't help thinking that that "Discord" character, the one who hacked my computer,



Crazy56U: Except no, that’s not what happened…

JofY: Oh, that rascally Discord.



probably was lurking around watching me somewhere.



SC276: ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.

Crazy56U: Nah, I think he has better things to do than stalk your dumb ass. Like... ridding the world of social media websites. ...apparently...



Now I know, NEVER to trust any foreign message I get or any Social Media site ever again!



JofY: You’d think a company that’s on the internet would make sure it’s employees know about the concept of spam.

RingmasterJ5: Well, that was… something. Now for the sequel, “DiscordExe Part 2: Revenge of the Possessed Draconequus”

SC276: Oh god there’s more?!

ToonGuy: *head desks*

Crazy56U: G-guys, how did you not know? T-the name of this document is “The DiscordExe Trilogy”...

ToonGuy: I was hoping you’d just forget about it after reading the first story and let us all go home early…..I’m goddamn stupid.



2



Crazy56U: Well, you’re not wrong, this is a big #2…

JofY: It’s a comically oversized pencil?

Crazy56U: ...s-sure, let’s go with that.



Revenge of The Possessed Draconequus



SC276: So… wait, something is possessing Discord this time?

ToonGuy: You mean aside from bad writing?

Crazy56U: Drugs are possessing Discord. This is about to turn into a Very Special

Episode.



Preface:



Crazy56U: “This is the point of no return, turn back now…”



The " " program



JofY: The main characters from ‘No Game No Life’?

SC276: I wish. They might actually make this interesting.

RingmasterJ5: Oh, right, expect this a lot. FFNet removes all links, and it repeatedly caught “Discord.exe” as one. The author never bothered to go back and fix it because that’d be too much work, so you’re stuck with the main villain being referred to as two empty quotation marks from here on out.

ToonGuy: Well this story is certainly empty, so I can’t argue with that.

CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean the villain is Old Man Saunders in a ghost costume, scaring away visitors so he can keep the pirate treasure and he would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids?

SC276: Don’t forget their dog.

CaptainPipsqueak: Scooby or Scrappy? Because Scrappy can fuck right off.

ToonGuy: And as for Scooby GODDAMN Dum… well, that’s one dog who won’t go to heaven.

Crazy56U: And now I’m being reminded of that one fucking episode of Family Guy, thanks for that.



that had destroyed the life of Jarom Jezrel and the popular Social Media site, "Facebook", now intended to do worse.



JofY: He was going to bring it back!

Crazy56U: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO



He was looking to eradicate all of the Social Media sites.



SC276: ALL of them.

ToonGuy: BUT HOW WILL WE SURVIVE WITHOUT TINDER?!?!?

JofY: Uh… The whole internet can be thought of one whole social… thing. Does it plan to destroy all internet? What about sites that have social elements to them like FIMfic? Sure, it’s main purpose is not to be social, but it has social elements to it. Is Skype included, or is it just internet sites? That’s quite a vague statement.

CaptainPipsqueak: Wouldn’t that be kind of like trying to destroy air at this point?

Scarlet: Discord- also North Korea.

Crazy56U: Why? Is it because nobody would like his posts or whatever?



This "program" was more than your average "computer program".



JofY: It was a “programed computer”!

Crazy56U: It was a cartoon character!



It was actually a "he". Crazy56U: Well, makes sense, Discord is a dick, so logically he should have one...



A "he" who was the ghost of an enraged soul who had been driven to suicide after his "so called" friends" had made fun of him because he told them he was a "Brony" or a "Bro" that likes "My Little Pony".



RingmasterJ5: “You’re” “using” “too” “many” “quotes”.

JofY: Given that quotes that aren’t of a proper noun, are meant to be sarcastic, does that mean that he was only pretending to be a fan or something?

SC276: I’m guessing that the author’s not one himself, given “Bro” is not an abbreviation of brony.

Crazy56U: Whelp, it’s that time once again to reference Supernatural!



Scarlet: ...I’m going to play my “get out of rant free card” by saving my thoughts on this chestnut to the end. May NaturalGlitch’s benevolent riffing spirit preserve me.



Revenge what was this awful spirit wanted. It was so that each of his "friends", worked at each of the Social Media sites:



JofY: Ain’t that just a mighty big coincidence.

Scarlet: What, were they planning to build a literal social media empire?

Crazy56U: Each earning a paycheck at each individual amount based on each quality of

work done by each of them.



"Facebook", "Twitter", "Tumblr", "YouTube", and the most evil that spirit thought about everyday, the place that his "friends" had "de-friended" him, "4chan".



JofY: Okay, that thing I told you to remember, I’m bringing it back up. Was Jarom, or whatever, friends with him? Because, he casually mentions that he heard about Discord from a friend! He doesn’t mention that the person who said it, he unfriended, or that person offed himself or anything! You’d think that might have been important!

SC276: The author is clearly writing by just pouring his unleaded rage onto his keyboard. He doesn’t give two fucks about continuity.

ToonGuy: Yeah, what schmucks would care about that? …...Goddamn it.

Scarlet: I’m just gonna be jerk and note that if you expected anything less than jackassery on 4chan, you might not have been born with common sense.

Crazy56U: Holy fuck, technically, my “nobody liked Discord’s posts” theory was right!



The devil of all Social Media sites.



RingmasterJ5: You know, 4chan! That place with the… friends list…

CaptainPipsqueak: This guy probably thinks the Internet is a series of tubes.

SC276: Who does this guy think he is, Chris-chan?

Scarlet: He’s too low-level dork to be Chris-chan. Also Chris-Chan would’ve included Deviantart in his list of targets.

Crazy56U: No, Author, that would be Tumblr. Trust me.

CaptainPipsqueak: Honestly, I think if every one of these sites vanished, the entire

planet would heave a sigh of relief and fill the void with something valid.



The five friends had gone to a psychic and found that their friend, after killing himself, was now haunting them using " " as revenge for their terrible crimes of bullying against him.



JofY: “Aw man, my computer has been acting up… Probably haunted.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Well. that’s what you get for buying a Mac.”

Crazy56U: Never thought quotation marks could be used as a weapon...



They have made an "invincible firewall",



Crazy56U: Ah, so they invented McAfee. ...should’ve invented Norton...



although one of them forgot to install it.



JofY: How? A vengeful spirit is after him! I think that’d take priority in one’s daily life!

SC276: Also, if they made a firewall capable of keeping stuff of that caliber out, how have they not set the new market standard and are rich right now?

ToonGuy: Nah, they’ve succumbed to Lex Luthor Syndrome.

CaptainPipsqueak: Does this mean at some point one of them will steal forty cakes? Because that’s terrible.

Crazy56U: Because it was Happy Hour over at the local Sonic and, hey, half priced

slushees, who wouldn’t want that? Disclaimer: I fucking hate Sonic and their fucking

commercials.



This is how this "friend" of this corrupted spirit was tortured by " ".



CaptainPipsqueak: Damn that “ “; damn him all to * *!

Scarlet: It’s like the author forgot to erase his placeholder.

Crazy56U: He was tortured by nothing, so, technically, the story’s over before it

began.



Chapter 2: Joseph Jordan



Scarlet: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part IX: Discord.exe is Unbearable.

Crazy56U: chew



September 2013



Hey, my name's Joseph Jordan,



CaptainPipsqueak: Hi, Joseph!

SC276: And now the author remembers he’s trying to write a creepypasta.

ToonGuy: Yeah, as someone who doesn’t read that many creepypastas, aren’t they supposed to be….I don’t know, going out on a limb here, stop me if you’ve heard this one before….creepy?!

Crazy56U: “and I’m here today to talk to you about Rogaine.”



I work for Twitter.



CaptainPipsqueak: Apt. My first thought was “This man is a twit.”

Crazy56U: ...why?

CaptainPipsqueak: My statement or his?

Crazy56U: Sorry if that confused you, that was directed to the guy who is willingly

working for Twitter. ...again, though, why?

CaptainPipsqueak: The Reason, you fool! The Reason!

ToonGuy: 42. That’s why.



My job is to check messages to make sure none of them are corrupted or with viruses.



JofY: Ah yes, those deadly 140 character coded tweets.

SC276: Judging from every Direct Message I’ve ever got, Joseph, you’re failing.

Scarlet: Ever-watchful for the Spam of Dio Brando.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “This is, of course, the most boring job in the world.”



It's really easy, I have a program to check them, but occasionally a questionable one will come through.



JofY: It’s called: porn.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or, as we call it, half the internet’s reason to exist.

ToonGuy: The other half is to do with cats….

Crazy56U: And God help you if you combine them...



I check it and either delete it, or keep it.



SC276: Why would you keep malware again? Besides for emailing to your antivirus software developer of choice, with proper notice?

CaptainPipsqueak: To surprise a friend?

Scarlet: Clearly Jojo is doing it in order to use it as a secret weapon against the return of the Pillar Men!

Crazy56U: Maybe he just collects viruses for fun...



There was such a program, after I had found out " " used to be my friend, Jeremy Michaelson, who offed himself when we were teasing him for being a "Brony".



JofY: What is this fic and people with names starting with J?

ToonGuy: Maybe they’re part of a club. The J-Stars?

SC276: And how could he possibly know this anyway?

Crazy56U: Well, there are worse names. Like Derek (drops a thing on the table), for

example.



I still regret it and blame myself for what happened. I try not to dwell on the past.



CaptainPipsqueak: “...I mean, I only destroyed his career. It’s not like it’ll haunt him for the rest of his life. Water under the bridge, right?”

Crazy56U: After all, until time travel is invented, what’s the point?



Anyway, a message appeared on my anti-virus software. It was from "Discord: The Master of Chaos" with the demonic draconequus profile picture.



Scarlet: This must be the work of an enemy Stand!

JofY: Or of a leet hacker.

Crazy56U: Figures Discord likes to selfie...



I hesitated.



JofY: ‘Did the demon manage to actually change my anti-virus into something social?’

` Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Aw, man, I didn’t actually want to work today…”



I didn't want my boss to fire me because Twitter would be destroyed, but if I didn't click on it, he would just do it anyway.



JofY: He would click on the link?

SC276: I don’t think you understand how computers work. Actually, I read the last fic; I know you don’t understand how computers work.

CaptainPipsqueak: I actually think I may be getting smarter.

Crazy56U: Oh God, this is actually making me upset...



So, being the complete dumb person that I was, I checked this out.



Crazy56U: Okay, being self aware doesn’t justify crap. You don’t know for sure that

not clicking the link would be as bad as clicking it. CALL YOUR BOSS AND ASK FOR

HELP.



I should have never clicked on that message.



JofY: Even though you had to click on it… clicking on it was stupid...

SC276: If you knew it would be stupid, why would you fucking do it?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Because he’s stupid, stupid.

Scarlet: Jojo, you fool! Where do you think that link has sent me flying to?

Crazy56U: Why didn’t you just take the third option and smash the computer?



It was my end of my great career at a very well-paying social media industry and the end of all that was Twitter.



RingmasterJ5: And everyone breathed a sigh of relief knowing that their conversations wouldn’t be limited to 140 characters anymore.

Crazy56U: yaaaaaay

CaptainPipsqueak: wooooo

ToonGuy: *pulls out a party hat and places it on head* Go team.



Just like Facebook, I was expecting this to completely erase all of everything that was Twitter.



JofY: Because again, they never backed up anything!

Crazy56U: You literally already essentially just said that.

CaptainPipsqueak: These people are too stupid to get out of bed.

Scarlet: In the words of Harry Markopolous: “[he can] count to twenty-one if he takes off his pants.”



This day was a day to be remembered,



JofY: Yes today, August… wait… What’s today’s date?

Crazy56U: Heh, cute, you’re comparing this to Pearl Ha-



a day which I lived in infamy for the rest of my life, the bombing of My Career and Life Harbor.



Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...

JofY: But what will we do for Life Day without Life Harbor!?

CaptainPipsqueak: I dunno. But as long as Wookiees aren’t involved, I’m sure we can cope with it.



(To those of you who respect those who died at Pearl Harbor,



JofY: [Author] “If don’t like, don’t read!”



I do as well and I do not in anyway disregard their sacrifices for our country.



JofY: [Author] “But let me just toss a land mine right at my feet. What could go wrong?”

Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...



It was just something that sounded good to use-DiscordXChaos)



Crazy56U: UMMMMMMMMMM...

SC276: OK, one, author messages in the middle of the text. Two, equating anything this stupid to Pearl Harbor, you insensitive clod.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I’ve seen people do 9/11 based stories or “This person just died; I should puke out a thousand word story and wait for the upvotes for the feels” stories. The backlash is literally orgasm-inducing.

Scarlet: Given the Jojo kick this chapter name sent me on, may I propose we feed this guy to a vampire?

ToonGuy: Only if it’s a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE. Like Alucard.

Crazy56U: Better idea: let’s get drunk.



I foolishly clicked on the message, and it sent me to a game that was its own website in its own browser.



SC276: Three, it would open a new tab, at worst.

JofY: Wait, its own browser!? When did that download?

Crazy56U: So, wait, Discord invented his own browser along with his own game? Hell, what the fuck kind of game needs its own brow-



This game was in a 2d platform style similar to Five Nights At Freddy's 4 (Copyright Scott Cawthon).



JofY: ...oh fuck no.

Crazy56U: Oh, GOD, we’re- we’re just nosediving into the ground at this point!

RingmasterJ5: FNAF4 wasn’t even in a “2D platform style”...

Crazy56U: Maybe in this timeline it is, but that would be justifying the Author’s crap,

so...

SC276: Actually, there was for a short time a “Five Nights at Freddy’s 4” platform game that someone put on mobile platforms. Scott sued for invoking detriment to his brand or somesuch and had it taken down.

CaptainPipsqueak: Stop defending the author. It makes me queasy.



Except it looked exactly like my bedroom at home… in my apartment.



JofY: Oh no! That must mean something… Possibly!

Scarlet; This must be the work of an Enemy Stand!

Crazy56U: Oh no! The game’s been modded!



I didn't know what to think, but it definitely was "What the cotton candy was stinking going on!?"



SC276: Well offhand, I’d say what was going on is you clicked a link you know you shouldn’t have clicked and why did anyone even hire you.

CaptainPipsqueak: And he’s also working for another company that doesn’t hard back-up their data. Why are these people allowed near computers?

ToonGuy: Also, that you’re a grown ass man who just asked “What the cotton candy was stinking going on?”

Crazy56U: USE ACTUAL SWEARS YOU CHUCKLEFUCK!



I know my bedroom has a door to the left and a closet at the right side. There was a window at the middle, over-looking the street and the houses below the apartment building. My dresser was at the left of the window and the right side had my desk with my flat-screen and my Xbox One on top of it



Scarlet: Jojo’s Totally Mundane Bedroom.

Crazy56U: This episode of “This Old House” is shit.



. The closet had my dress-shirts, suit coats, ties and tie hanger on it, and my polos hanging up and my books on the shelf above of Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, Bleach, any anime you could think of a guy could like, were hanging up everywhere on my walls.



JofY: Even Monster Musume?

SC276: So, half of them are hentai?

CaptainPipsqueak: Aren’t they usually?

Scarlet: Somehow I doubt Jojo has posters of Revolutionary Girl Utena.

Crazy56U: What about “Puella Magi Madoka Magica”? “One Punch Man”? “The

Amazing World of Gumball”?



I was a "anime freak" as they would call it.



Crazy56U: You mean “otaku”. And I hate that I know that phrase.

Scarlet: Actually… no. “Otaku” is what western weebs call it, but contextually “anime freak” is a great translation. Hell, they used it in Space Dandy’s dub for that exact word. Points for not being as terrible as usual, person!

Crazy56U: Thank you for educating us, but I still don’t like that I know the phrase “otaku”...

ToonGuy: There is a solution to that. *holds out bottle*

Crazy56U: Thank you kindly. (puts head on table) Swing as hard as you can, don’t hold back.



Now I knew my friend hadn't been to my apartment, because the year he had committed suicide, all of my friends were still in high school and I was living in my parent's place. We had met using '4chan". I know, you are thinking, "4chan? Isn't that where Slenderman was created?"



JofY: Actually I was thinking: ‘You can make lasting relationships on 4chan?’

SC276: I was thinking “Isn’t 4chan famously where everyone is anonymous?”

CaptainPipsqeak: Nonono. This is 4chan: Where Everyone Knows Your Name.

Scarlet: And that name is “Anon”.

Crazy56U: Look, unless 4Chan has Norm, I don’t like it having that motto…



I know, I know



Crazy56U: Yeah, no, I don’t think ya do!



but at the time, we had no idea. We just chatted like regular friends do on message boards, talking about things we like and no one caring why we liked them or the reason we did.



JofY: Okay, fic, you’ve somehow managed to make something more B.S. than a ghost that wants to destroy all social networks. Stop now.

RingmasterJ5: “The horrendous gore that was constantly being posted in our ’personal threads’ was a deterrent, but we powered through it.”

SC276: I’ve only read like archives of quest threads on that thing, and I know this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.

Crazy56U: I have very little knowledge of how 4Chan operates, because I avoid that

site like the plague, but I extremely doubt the Author even knows what 4Chan is...



So I knew my friend Jeremy didn't know what my apartment looked like.



JofY: But for some reason, you trusted him enough to exchange names.

ToonGuy: “Well hi, random stranger, here are the keys to my house!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Why is this character ALIVE?!

Scarlet: Joseph Joestar’s Steel Ball Run equivalent is kinda lame.

Crazy56U: Except for that time Jeremy broke in and crashed on his couch.



But, this spirit did and I figured "If I don't figure out this game and how the layout of my apartment works in this game, then I may as well quit my job now."



JofY: Every member of Twitter has a minor in some form of supernatural work.

SC276: Can he just not hold down the power button until the power cuts? That’s a hardware thing, a program can’t change that.

Scarlet: He can’t because again, this is the work of an enemy Stand! ..and on my third time repeating this, I realize that honestly that would make more sense as an explanation than what we’ve had so far.

Crazy56U: So... quit, then...



I was very nervous, because I didn't want to be laid off because of my stupidity in playing this fudgesicled-up game.



JofY: This shit-up game?

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Fudgesicled-up’? Oh shit; that’s going on my list.

ToonGuy: What is this guy’s fascination with sweet things!?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, I know that you know how to properly swear, jackass, stop

doing this shit!



I needed to call my boss.



Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I needed hugs.”



Although, right now the game was calm.



JofY: Best to wait till the absolute last second to let others know.

Crazy56U: Cue jumpscare.



The premise of the game "Five Nights at Freddy's 4", was to check the doors and the closet for the "Nightmare Animatronics" that lurk around every corner.



JofY: Wait a sec, if this is a year after the previous fic.... FNAF 4 hasn’t been made yet! I call hax!

Scarlet: [Jeremy] “How do you like that, Jojo? This is the power of my Stand, Nice Sprites! It teleports creepy video games from the future!”

Crazy56U: And the hallways, dumbass, you gotta check them too...



Only, this concept applied to my bedroom. I would have to look for the "animatronic" who was the demonic " "



RingmasterJ5: Ever been jumpscared by demonic quotation marks? Shit’s… well, not really intense at all, actually. They just kind of… float… at you.

ToonGuy: Kind of the Creepypasta equivalent of a ghost train. Things just sort of hop out and make odd noises.

SC276: So you’re starting on Night 5? Can’t creepypasta characters come up with a decent-ass game for once? Or at least something like that one shooter where killing an enemy deleted one of your computer’s files?

Crazy56U: Quotation marks are not demonic, try again.



I knew I would have to check my closet, the window, and my door. I could do this!



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, most people can check their closets, windows and doors, barring some form of physical injury.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “I could probably not fuck up!”



I could defeat this terrible and wicked program.



CaptainPipsqueak: Oh. You meant that.

Crazy56U: Which you could’ve done minutes ago by turning off the computer and not

playing the game...



I just didn't know how.



SC276: If Markiplier couldn’t get through the first night on his own, I don’t have high hopes for you.

Scarlet: To be fair, Markiplier tends to jump back when attacked by large enough dust bunnies.

Crazy56U:



I just hope I have the strength to defeat the "thing" that took down "Facebook" forever. Wait, maybe not forever!



JofY: It’s just most of forever.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “Maybe just for an eternity, that sounds good...”



What if I took out this dreaded monster and rid the world of him, maybe that would change everything back to normal!?



JofY: ...Okay, everyone it’s time for your new favorite game: “Guess! His! Age!” He has just said that if somehow the coding for Facebook reappeared, the company would still be around to use it or something. With this lack of knowledge of how the world works, Guess! His! Aaaaaaaaage!

ToonGuy: Uh, I’ll put down five bucks on him being… five to seven?

SC276: Dude, the virus deleted Facebook, it didn’t steal it.

Crazy56U: This isn’t “Jumanji”, dude, winning the game doesn’t mean everything is

reset!



No no no, I would get completely killed in the game by this demonic software.



JofY: He’d die if he won?

CaptainPipsqueak: So we bet on a straight-up victory, then?

Scarlet: My theory of this actually being rejected JJBA material grows in credence.

Crazy56U: Wait, now your defeatist, what’s with the mood swing?



Sorry for my ranting, let's begin!



JofY: Okay, let’s see a guy play a game in a purely text based format.

CaptainPipsqueak: Five dollars says he gets trapped in a maze of twisty little passages all alike, ten says he’s eaten by a Grue.

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, Joseph got possessed by the narrator for a bit...



The game comprised of me checking everywhere in the room.



JofY: This is a platformer.

SC276: Protip: if you’re going to make a creepypasta about a video game, play a fucking video game first.

Crazy56U: And now FNAF 4 became a point-and-click adventure game. I want to eat

glass.



It was painstaking difficult and boring at the same time because I was doing the same thing over and over, still pressured into waiting for the monster to pop out of anywhere.



Scarlet: I think he’s just copying reviews of FNAF 4 and adding editorials at this point.

Crazy56U: Wasn’t the Author’s original intent with this series to shit on social media websites he didn’t like? He should probably go back to that...



The game was you watching for the animatronics, "Foxy", "Chica", "Bonnie", and "Freddy". Now, it seemed like the game was just looking for "Nightmare Fredbear". That consisted of just one animatronic who was more overpowered than the rest of the chaotic crew. He could get you from almost anywhere.



SC276: God fucking damn, he is on Night 5. I WAS JOKING.

Crazy56U: I think it’s clear how this happened...



I looked and looked and looked until finally, in the closet, I saw something. Red eyes that stared back at me, with glowing intent.



JofY: It wanted to put glow paint all over him!

CaptainPipsqueak: “It puts the glow paint on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again!”

Crazy56U: Dear God, don’t turn into porn...



Then "BAM!".



JofY: Apparently the spirit just shot the guy.

Scarlet: Bad Ass Motherfuckers.

Crazy56U: Emeril Lagasse?! What’re you doing here?!



A giant face of the demonic Discord animatronic appeared on screen and a loud scream pierced my ears, making me fall over and hit the back of my head on the ground. I got up and kept playing.



JofY: ...Uh, it’s a bit late for that.

ToonGuy: Also, you’re taking this well. This was me, I’d have given up by this point.

Crazy56U: Yeah, fuck the potential concussion you may have, you’ve got a website to

fail to save!



Unfortunately to my dismay, the screen had a red text with blood oozing from it saying "Do you want to try again? Who's up for Night 2?



JofY: Skip this level, surely then you can then beat the harder version of this.

SC276: This series actually offends me with its base lack of video game knowledge!

Scarlet: I have a plan. *dramatically smashes the computer* See? Not even hard!

Crazy56U: (computer magically repairs itself) whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy



This time it'll be different. Do you want to play again? I'll give you a real challenge this next time around."



SC276: Y’know, even though he died the first time. Why are you even bothering with the pretense if everything’s rigged in your favor? Just delete Twitter already.

Crazy56U: Is the challenge a game of Pong?



The two options, yes or no appeared. Maybe it was because I was dazed and mighty heart-struck by the jumpscare from earlier,



Crazy56U: Okay, “dazed” confirms that you have a concussion, but combined with the

heart thing makes me think that you’ve gone into shock and are now dying. ...please

die faster...

ToonGuy: It’s like Jacob’s Ladder, except if the man who wrote it had never seen

anything scary before.



but I still persevered on.



Scarlet: Lamest. Jojo. Protagonist. Ever.

Crazy56U: Hmm... make a joke, or groan in pain... ...eh, both... (groan)



The next game that appeared, after I clicked the "Yes" button, was an arcade game similar to the one's in Five Nights at Freddy's 3 (Again, Copyright Scott Cawthon)



Crazy56U: I hope to God he sues you for this.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then burns your house down. With lemons.

ToonGuy: AND DOES SOMETHING EVEN WORSE. WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE..

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, too far, man. Too far.

ToonGuy: Sorry…..long day.

CaptainPipsqueak: You never invoke the Mountain Dew curse unless he’s killed

people.



you get when you try to please all the spirits to get the good ending. It was the blood red moon, black forest background from the game that Jarom played,



SC276: [narrator] “...which I somehow know about…”

Scarlet: Which I’m sure will look amazing rendered as an early arcade game.

Crazy56U: [Joseph] “and I know that despite not taking part in the first story is the same reason why this virus is threatening to delete Twitter if I don’t beat FNAF: because shut up.”



only in "Atari" style. The ponies dead in the background were all still scary, as their bodies were also almost realistic.



JofY: Can someone please tell me why Creepypasta writers have this insistence that things are realistic?

SC276: Atari. Realistic. Author, do you even see yourself write?

CaptainPipsqueak: I think this guy just thinks ‘2600’ is a series of numbers.

Crazy56U: Yes. Realistic Atari-style blocks you PIECE OF FUCK



Pushing forward, fighting back fear and terror, I walked through the level as the man who had a pink outfit with the blue "Twitter" logo on it and blue spiked up hair.



JofY: On the plus side, seeing that, he was no longer scared.

Scarlet: Maximum Anime Levels detected.

Crazy56U: Man, Sonic sure fell on hard times after he became human and starting

working for Twitter...



He was taking a stroll, no fleeing for his life, through the demonic wasteland.



JofY: Maybe it was just taking in the beauty of everything.

Crazy56U: Man, taking a Sunday walk through Hell is just the best...



As he got to the end, it got darker and darker until blood appeared on the screen and a red text with blood under it appeared saying "You lost, you got caught!



SC276: Are you fucking serious. Just “you lose,” without any warning, prompt, or even instructions?! DO U EVEN GAME

JofY: Clearly this was a hunting game with Metal Gear V’s mechanics and he was supposed to punch a tree several times in order to start crafting cover. In an Atari pixel format.

Crazy56U: BY WHAT?! THE BLOOD?!?!



How about Night 3!? You have one more chance to make your chances of saving your precious Twitter to an all time, never-getting-hacked-again status.



JofY: So if he wins, they will be hacked? Or maybe it’s that since the company still exists, they can be hacked and he’s twisting words?

Crazy56U: Joseph, buddy, at this point, it’s obvious that Twitter’s getting deleted no

matter what he says. Just turn off the computer and go get lunch, or something...



Are you ready for the Final Night!?" No no no no nope nope nope nope… I can't do this. I can't risk all of Twitter being completely wiped out because of my stupidity!



Crazy56U: And so, he calls his boss-



But, I must do it for my company!



Crazy56U: (slams head into table)

ToonGuy: FOR GREAT JUSTICE.



What if I don't?



SC276: Then we could all go home early! Fucking quit, ya moron!

ToonGuy: Argh, I’ve got DOCTOR WHO TO WATCH!!! DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOT.

Crazy56U: Then life as we know it will be marginally better off. Quit while you’re

“ahead”, Joseph.



I would probably die or Twitter would get deleted anyway. So I pressed "Yes" and continued.



SC276: There are not enough Floweys in the world to say how much of an idiot this guy is.

Scarlet: But they’re all going to anyway! *dramatically reveals an army of alt-timeline Floweys*

SC276: ...How determined are you?

Crazy56U: I hope to God this results in you getting stabbed with a spork, you dumbass.



The "Final Night" was a version of the camera checking from Five Nights at Freddys 1-3 (also Copyright Scott Cawthon).



Scarlet: OH really? After the first couple of times, I thought this one would be copyrighted to Disney.

Crazy56U: (glares)



Only, the goal here was to make the main villain never come to your office, or you were automatically dead.



JofY: Instead of in the real game where you’re supposed to die horribly.

Scarlet: What, the main villain is your boss and you’re playing video games on company time?

Crazy56U: Really, I thought it was wait until 6AM... I mean, there are instances of 6AM

being reached just as the jumpscare plays...



I tried, and the audio, which was an audio clip of Pinkamena's (insane Pinkie Pie's) laugh, played.



SC276: OK, why reference FNaF 1 and 2 if you’re just going to use 3’s mechanics?

Crazy56U: Because the Author has clearly stopped caring.



The creature moved from one room to the next.



JofY: Oh, the horror....

Crazy56U: Ah, so it was like most things.



I had done this several times when finally, he left, but I couldn't find him. I thought this was it! I was done! I couldn't work at Twitter after what I did. then moved to the camera close to my room. I clicked on the room way away from my room and played the audio, but it didn't happen.



SC276: Your audio broke. Reboot it.

Scarlet: On second thought, don’t. I want you to suffer.

Crazy56U: Oh dear, the audio drivers are fucked.



I continued this and he didn't leave.



JofY: Didn’t leave? You don’t know where it is!

Crazy56U: [Creature] “I just want to be friends! Why don’t you like me?!”



I had no choice but to give up.



SC276: I said reboot the audio, you goddamn moron.

Crazy56U: Yes. Lie down on the floor and cry. You just fucked everything up.



Again, the demon jumpscared me and this time I was ready.



JofY: He wasn’t wearing pants to crap in.

Crazy56U: He was already on the floor.



I shuttered just a little bit and I almost got scared.



SC276: Congratulations on not being scared of a FNaF jumpscare on the second go-round. It only took Markiplier, what, a dozen deaths before that happened.

Scarlet: Again, dust-bunnies.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a dust buster, gives it to Scarlet) Here, now you can shut up about those dust bunnies...



But, I knew I couldn't win.



JofY: After all, you spoiled it for us.

Crazy56U: Well, it’s kinda hard to win at this point given how, you know, you already

lost?



Goodbye career. Proceeding the insta-death, a screen appeared. "Good try!



JofY: “You get a gold star!”

Crazy56U: “You almost tried this time!”



Now Twitter is completely wiped off the map!



JofY: Oh, he didn’t destroy their servers, he just made it impossible to find their offices.

SC276: So, Twitter became Hogwarts?

Crazy56U: I’d like to imagine that this is playing in the background, just to insult

Joseph some more... Well, either that or because I want to be happy again.



Great! Awesome job! You are amazing! You let your entire company down by losing a game against the Master of Chaos! Ha-ha-ha!"



SC276: Is it really that satisfying to win a game you’re guaranteed to win?

ToonGuy: It’s a bit like watching that one rich kid who pays off all the other players to let him win a game of football. Why watch if you know the outcome?

Scarlet: Obsessive hate-reading?

Crazy56U: [Discord] “Yeah, you could beat my rigged-as-shit unbeatable games! Get

rekt, scrub!”



The game closed and I cried there for five minutes



JofY: Wimp.

Crazy56U: Suck it up, you big baby, you could've avoided this had you stopped being a dumb sack of crap.



until I called my boss, tears still in my eyes, but I held them back.



"Sir-sir-s-" I choked.



Scarlet: And died of asphyxiation a few minutes later.

Crazy56U: Good.



"Yes what is it!? I don't have a lot of- wait I'm getting another call." He switched lines and then a few minutes later, switched back to my line. "Yes what do you want!? I know that our Twitter servers is offline, all of it is gone! What happened!?"



SC276: [boss] “...and the redundant servers, are you freakin’ kidding me? Is this anytime like the time half of the AT&T servers failed because their new version had a cascading DoS bug?”

Scarlet: No, no they reversed the polarity of the neutron flow by enhancing the image and isolating it. Makes perfect sense!

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure the virus simply peed on the servers until they broke.



"I-I-I-" I tried to make into words "I couldn't help it! I knew that this virus was going to wipe out all of our data! I tried to stop it! I couldn't!



SC276: That’s because you didn’t shut off your computer because you did the same thing the idiot from Facebook did!



The virus completely took out all of our servers! Please… don't fire me sir!"



Scarlet: [Jojo] “Fire the guy who designed our security measures, he’s clearly to blame for this shit!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, no, your ass is grass, kid.



My boss paused for a few minutes and then responded, angry but calm "Hey- I understand your feelings and the thoughts you had, and how you had to save this company.



JofY: ...How did the boss know this?

Scarlet: He was watching the whole thing on youtube as this guy uploaded it as a Let’s Play, of course!

Crazy56U: [Boss] “I mean, yeah, you are dead to me now, but…”



But, I can't allow something like this to happen again.



Crazy56U: [Boss] “I’m coming down to your station right now. I have a shotgun. Running will only make things worse for you.”



I'm switching you to a different department.



JofY: Because the supernatural virus needs the man to be in IT for it to work.

Crazy56U: [Boss] “The broom closet. You can’t manage to not destroy our shit? You

can’t be trusted to use a computer. You’re the janitor now. Fuck you.”



Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I knew this would happen,



JofY: You knew this would happen? You knew that a supernatural ghost would torment a person that said ghost was previously harmed by and that would lead to Twitter having all of it’s data removed? Actually here’s a better idea he could have done. Fire Jojo before all of this. That way Jojo no longer can access the servers, and the ghost can no longer get into Twitter’s servers to destroy it, or however it works.

Crazy56U: [Boss] “My fortune cookie said so. Never thought that fortune would come

true, but…”



so I saved a backup where the computer virus couldn't find it."



SC276: Twitter, smarter than Facebook? I’m not sure whether that’s stupid or

completely accurate.



I answered hesitantly "Sir, you know he'll go to no end to find those files."



"No, I know exactly the place where I hid it is very virus proof."



SC276: [boss] “Behind the firewall you coded to keep it out that you didn’t market for some reason.”

Scarlet: [Boss] “I made sure it was a sterile environment.”

Crazy56U: [Boss] “Unlike you, I decided to actually take some precaution against viruses.”



"Thank you for not letting me go sir."



"It's fine… I understand your friend, Jarom, who works on Facebook had the same problem."



JofY: [Jojo] “...How did you learn all of this?”

[Boss] “I’ve been stalking you.”

SC276: If Twitter’s important enough to reach the point they had the resources to back up the site’s entire database as well as different departments, they probably wouldn’t have heard of the start-up that Facebook was in this universe. Actually, come to think of it, having Facebook as it was in 2012 would’ve made more sense. Having it be a start-up actually just tears more holes in the narrative.

Crazy56U: The Author just did the equivalent of snapping, lighting everything around

him on fire, and then laughing manically as everything burns down around him.



"Yes sir. It was bad. He's still out of a job sir. It's been a year since he had a job. Luckily my friend Scotty Clawen



JofY: Huh. That doesn’t sound familiar at all.

Crazy56U: FUCK YOU.

SC276: For crying out loud, you put the original guy’s name in copyright insertions! Why did you think this was a good idea?!

ToonGuy: We’re damned. ALL OF US.



was letting him stay with him as a roomate for really less.



JofY: For really less? Wow, that’s a good deal. My rent is for really more.

Crazy56U: (massages temples) I really hate you, Author... I really do...



Thanks for caring."



Scarlet: You know, usually someone says that last sentence sarcastically.

Crazy56U: The Author doesn’t believe in sarcasm.



"Hey, I do anything for my employees."



JofY: *audible wink*

Crazy56U: Which is why he’s going to put off killing Joseph for at least five more

minutes.



"Thanks… I appreciate your understanding."



"No problem, see you later."



SC276: [Boss] *plans to deliver pink slip in person*

Crazy56U: [Boss] “(quietly begins loading shotgun)”



"Bye!"



In the end, I told my friends about it. They were very surprised.



JofY: That you were a dumbass who didn’t put up the firewall? Because they already know about the evil spirit.

Crazy56U: Eh, “surprised”, “violently angry over your blatant stupidity”, same dif...



They were very happy with the fact I still had my job and with the fact that the evil spirit didn't ruin my life.



Scarlet: Sounds like the last time I hung with friends.

Crazy56U: I buy that.



I thank whoever helped me keep my job. I didn't believe in God, but if he is out there, then he probably helped me keep my job.



SC276: Well it wasn’t us. We’re not nearly so merciful.

Crazy56U: God is dead, this story killed him.



I thank God for my safety, and if he could help me help my friends, then we can for sure save the soul of our angered friend.



SC276: Yeah, right.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, this third part needs some explaining. I only read the first two before deciding we had to riff this, and THEN found out just what kind of hell this third part is once Fallen found it afterwards. It basically devolves into a crackfic, but at the same time the author still has this huge grudge against social media that permeates all aspects of the story and it’s just fucking insane. So, finally, here’s “DiscordExe 3: The Reformer Games- Mockingyou”. And hey, this one actually has paragraph breaks.

Crazy56U” Oh, hey, you brought things full circle! Going off of the title, apparently this is a Hunger Games story!

ToonGuy: It’s like it was meant to be!



Part 3: The Reformer games- Mockingyou



JofY: Well, at least the author finally admits he’s mocking us.

Crazy56U: Well, if that’s the intention of the title, then (loudly hisses)



Preface:



After the "Incident" with Joseph, Scotty Clathen (Claw-thin is how you pronounce his last name)



Crazy56U: Oh, get it?! He had to explain the joke!!! AND THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW IT

WAS SPELLED THE LAST TIME!!!

JofY: Hell, both times, the pronunciation doesn’t make sense.



had come up with an idea to create a special spectacular software that could combat " ". It was named the "Pinkie Pie Program".



SC276: A Faith for this Revelation. I thought that firewall was that, though?

Scarlet: I wanted to call it Applied Phlebotinum. But noooo.

Crazy56U: Okay, this may just be me, but I think the Author is ripping off “Code: Lyoko”...



It has algorithms and formulas on a complex and intricate level enough to match the haunting power of " ".



JofY: IT COULD DIVIDE BY NOTHING!

CaptainPipsqueak: And thus, the universe ended.

Crazy56U: It was also Linux-based!



She was in the form of Pinkie Pie, but as an advanced AI (Artificial Intelligence).



SC276: Yeah, just pull an AI out of nowhere and base it on Pinkie, a.k.a. the mare known for being wild, unpredictable, and a serial murderer in one of the first and most infamous dark MLP fanfics ever written. This can’t possibly go wrong.

JofY: Also, didn’t they unfriend the spirit for being a brony? Sorry, “brony”? But, anyways, why would they then backtrack and design an AI off one of the characters from the show?

Crazy56U: Pretty sure Scotty was better off using Twilight...



This"AI" could destroy " " with Scotty's help. He would guide her through the levels this psychotic computer program put her through with his guiding commands.



SC276: So, you made a NetNavi?

Scarlet: That one Megaman anime resurfaces in strange places.

Crazy56U: He would do it using an Atari 2600 controller.



Scotty had made three other programs as backup incase things got bad. They were for each of his three friends, Jarom, Joseph, and Nikolai Instokil.



SC276: I feel sorry for the family that had to have that last name.

JofY: One of these things is not like the other. One of these, just doesn’t belong.

Crazy56U: What, you didn’t feel like naming the third friend another J name, like Jerry

Jackson, or some shit?



All of these other "programs" were capable of beridding the world of the evil software.



SC276: So they’re all NetNavis. You made NetNavis.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, Scotty and pals made a multi-agent program designed to rid the world of an evil computer virus. Holy fuck, you are ripping off “Code: Lyoko”!



Their plan was- well here's the story.



SC276: BattleChip in, and download!

Scarlet: If we use a Program Advance, can we skip the rest of this?

Crazy56U: Uh, can we just get the plan instead? I don’t want the story...



Chapter 3: Scotty Clathen



September 2014



Crazy56U: No comment.



Hello readers, old and young!



JofY: Screw you, if you’re middle-aged though.

Crazy56U: (slowly flips the story the bird)



Wait, I'm writing in a journal, no one reads that.



JofY: People only read diaries.

Crazy56U: (throws up a second bird for good measure)



Well I guess you guys are reading this, so it is somewhat for my readers.



SC276: I am getting really tired of the fourth wall breaches.

Scarlet: That’s three times I’ve had to directly fight off metatextual attempts on our lives!

Crazy56U: (lasers engaged)



Anyway moving on, I have devised the exact plan to defeat the atrocious being that haunts us.



JofY: ‘This atrocious being, which we in no way are at fault for…’

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I have located where the Author lives. I have amassed a large

mob. The Lord’s work will soon be done.”

ToonGuy: “And the Lord spaketh, may you taketh this pretentious prat out and beat him unto death. Aaaaamen.”



You already know, my "Pinkie Pie Program". It's capable of destroying that monster.



SC276: We already knew that, move on already!

ToonGuy: I feel like we’re walking around in circles repeatedly. And it’s getting REALLY DAMN OLD!

JofY: Hell, technically if we’re starting from this journal, no we don’t. He might have wrote about it before or something, but the earlier dialogue implies that this is the first entry!

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “You know, just in case you decided to skip the preface out of

spite?”



I also made my friends ones just in case.



JofY: He didn’t bother with the zeros, unfortunately.

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “I also made my dog one, just in case things really go to shit.”



I am working at "Tumblr", and I check to make sure no material being posted was bad, virus software, or just inappropriate.



JofY: It’s called: po- Oh, wait I already did this joke.

SC276: I can assure you, in 2014 or whenever the fuck this is, this job did not exist.

Crazy56U: And I can assure you that this job still doesn’t exist.



One came up I was looking at, in the image feed, was of that dread draconequus " ".



SC276: You’d think the virus would change it up at some point, but NOPE.

Crazy56U: The Dread Draconequus Discord. ...eh, no, I prefer the Dread Pirate Roberts, quite frankly.



I immediately ran "Pinkie Pie Program".



Scarlet: Superhero mode, engage!

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “Annnnnd... the computer blue screened. ...shit...”



Pulling the mike up to me I said, in my best stentorian (or best loud and severe voice) of my boring old American accent I could do "Pinkie Pie Program boot up."



JofY: Queue magical girl transformation sequence.

Scarlet: If. Only.

SC276: Who the fuck runs a program with a voice command?! Do you not have a mouse?!

JofY: Maybe it’s supposed to work like a Power Rangers Morpher.

ToonGuy: Ah yes, the forgotten team, Power Rangers Myspace Force….I know I just dated myself, but screw it, THIS FIC’S GOING TO BE DATED IN THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS.

Crazy56U: [Siri] “(da dink) I didn’t find anything for ‘punky pie projective booter’.”



After a few minutes, a webcam of a pink screen with Pinkie on it appeared



JofY: That isn’t how… fuck it.

SC276: It’s a fucking NetNavi, only on desktop, I hate everything.

Crazy56U: Okay, ripping off season one of “Code: Lyoko” now, that’s... happening...



"What is going- oh it's that cursed ' '!



JofY: Hey! This is Tumblr! Where all identities are allowed even if they’re ‘ ‘ , “ “ , or even ( )! Textist!

Crazy56U: That cursed blank space. Didn’t know Pinkie hated Taylor Swift.



I've got this!"



"Load up the image, Pinkie"



SC276: ...What image?

Crazy56U: Discord’s image, duh.



"Okie-doki-loki!" She pulled the image up and " " was on a blood red background pointing down to a link that was to a game.



JofY: Having to manually type in a link? You know that’s evil.

Scarlet: OH SNAP.

Crazy56U: [Scotty] “What the... ...that’s the URL for Cookie Clicker! The fuck?!”



He said in the speech bubble "Play and let's see if your 'Pinkie Pie Program' can stop the Master of all Demonic Chaos!"



JofY: Hey, why does this sprit call himself the master of all chaos? Did he somehow earn it? Did he fill out the right paperwork?

ToonGuy: It’s a very complicated system. It’s all explained in the manual.

SC276: Is it like the afterlife bureaucracy that was in Beetlejuice?

Crazy56U: The Master of all Demonic Chaos Formally Known as Discord



"Should we go it, Scott sir?" Pinkie asked.



Crazy56U: “Should we go it”. Uh, Scotty, maybe you should bug tested your AI before

hand...



"We have no choice. We automatically forfeit if we say no."



Scarlet: I see this evil plays by Yu-Gi-Oh rules.

Crazy56U: (scoff) Nerd.



"Yes sir! Got it! I'll load it up right away!"



The program link opened to a game that looked similar to "Slenderman:The Eight Pages"



JofY: What? No copyright?

ToonGuy: Of course not! It belongs to that goddamn 4Chan! They have no rights.

SC276: First Sonic.EXE and Godzilla, then FNaF, and now Slender. And none with anything resembling fair gameplay. This evil spirit virus is the least creative evil spirit ever.

Crazy56U: (twitches in anger)



except the title was "Slendercord: The Eight Cupcakes"



Crazy56U: I want to punch something so bad right now...



and the picture on the title screen was Slendercord holding a cupcake.



JofY: Also, who wants to bet that the character will realize they’re playing a game based off a different game, where even if you won, you lost?

SC276: Freakin’ hell, we already know the whole thing’s rigged.

Crazy56U: Discord’s kinda one note, if you ask me...



There was only two buttons on the screen "Begin" and "Quit and Be a Loser".



JofY: Technically if you never play, you can never lose.

Crazy56U: The only winning move is to not play. ...dear God, if this turns into

WarGames...



Of course, I would choose the first option, "Begin", because I'm not one to quit easily.



SC276: Also, because no one knows the most famous line of WarGames.

Crazy56U: Also, the alternative would be admitting that he’s a loser, and Scotty vowed to never do that again.



So pressing that button, it took me to a third person point of view with Pinkie's model there.



JofY: It wasn’t given any textures or animation, it was just the model.

Scarlet: Pinkie’s scale model of Canterlot is super-detailed, to be fair.

Crazy56U: The future is now.



We were in the middle of the "Everfree Forest". Pinkie was playing, of course, in the first person point of view. I was looking in a third person point of view exactly like when you die in Black Ops 2 Zombies and your friend tries to survive the round.



JofY: Okay, I don’t play Call of Duty. Now, try explaining it to me.

SC276: Depends on whether or not these NetNavis are running on game or anime rules, but if it’s the former, this is basically Slender in third person.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry Author, I’m unfamiliar with the Call of Duty series. I actually play

good games, like “Splatoon”.



Pinkie's screen,



JofY: Does the character have two screens plugged in or something?

SC276: Are you telling me Pinkie’s video feed is showing her perspective, while you’ve got your own viewport? That’s just wasteful.

Crazy56U: And confusing as fuck.



which I could switch to from the perspective I was at right now,



SC276: Oh, so you can toggle between the two. That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Crazy56U: Still confusing as fuck.



had Pinkie Pie's hooves and a wand with the "Laughter" crystal on the end of Pinkie's Element of Harmony on it lighting the way.



Scarlet: We were kidding about the magical girl sequence! Although I’ll take what I can get at this point.

SC276: So, why couldn’t she have just been wearing her Element again?

Crazy56U: Because Scotty is a shitty programmer.



She was searching for the "Eight Cupcakes" you were supposed to collect while running from "Slendercord".



"Are you ready, my little Pinkie?"



Scarlet: When Princess Celestia does that, it’s affectionate because she’s like a millennia old or more. When you do it, you’re a condescending idiot.

ToonGuy: Or a creeper…...or a fusion of both.

Crazy56U: Or a sad human being.



"I totally am! I am so nervi-cited!" Pinkie Pie began "I want to play all sorts of games with this new 'Discord'."



SC276: Did anyone tell her he put at least dozens of people out of a job before now?

Crazy56U: Please, that’s not canon anymore!



"No, this is serious. We have to take this evil monster out. He loves destroying ponies and not caring about their lives."



JofY: Like look at all of the innocent ponies that he killed like: ...

Crazy56U: OH GOD, THAT’S TERRIFYING



"Then we must stop him."



Pinkie walked through the forest, searching for the cupcakes. With every new cupcake she found, Slendercord would get more difficult to run away from, as he was faster than the previous time before she picked up the cupcake.



Scarlet: I mean, not like your program literally designed to destroy this thing would, y’know. Fight him or something.

Crazy56U: Pinkie’s just toying with him, clearly.



I urged her to go faster, and she said she needed time. We were halfway when Slendercord teleported in front of them, going in for the insta-kill when the real Slender appeared and stopped him dead in his tracks.



JofY: *gets sent flying out of the room from sheer confusion*

ToonGuy: Look at him GO!

SC276: ...OK, we’ve had some form of Slenderman or another for like… three fics in a row now, discounting Catch.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and honestly, that one did not need the help...

Crazy56U: ... (quietly puts head in hands) (begins openly sobbing)



Now I knew that was one of the programs I had created, because it did an amazing job of making Slendercord go away.



JofY: *walking back in* Yeah, because it’s not cheating when a program does it.

ToonGuy: Of course! IT ALL. MAKES. SENSE.

Crazy56U: (while still sobbing) No it doesn’t, shut up...



A thick Russian accent replied "Sorry it took me so long, I had to pick up a bottle of chocolate vodka- I mean chocolate milk- on my way to my office."



Scarlet: In Soviet Russia, Games code you.

SC276: Wait, this guy also made NetNavis based on Slenderman and Heavy? And didn’t say that at the beginning of the story because why now?

CaptainPipsqueak: A cross between Slender and Heavy? Wouldn’t that just make them ‘Dense’?

JofY: Why the need to change vodka to milk? Is that guy’s boss listening in?

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, Heavy wants to get crunk during this and, quite frankly, I don’t

blame him.



Slenderman, in a creepy and dark voice responded



JofY: So, Slenderman isn’t the Russian?... I never thought I would say that.

Crazy56U: No, Slenderman is being controlled by the Russian, obviously. ... (pinches

bridge of nose)



"You idiot!



JofY: Even the story will admit the characters are dumbasses.

ToonGuy: Sorry, isn’t Slenderman’s scariness based on how he...doesn’t talk?

Scarlet: It’s complicated, but really the answer is that Slenderman is scary only if you ignore ninety percent of what’s been written about him.

Crazy56U: Thank you.



You could pick up your chocolate milk later! We need to stop this 'virus' before it destroys everything in exiseance!"



JofY: Yeah! The internet is everything!

ToonGuy: This is going on top of my ‘Things I didn’t think Slenderman would say’ list

SC276: What is with everything in quotes?

Crazy56U: (chokes back another sob) I feel regret...



"Sorry I will not try and get my chocolate milk again…"



The Russian replied.



"It's ok Nikolai, now that you are here, our chances are doubled in finding the last four cupcakes.



JofY: Screw the other guys, the drunk russian is clearly what they need to win.

Crazy56U: Being drunk fixes everything...



It's gonna get harder from here on out." I comforted my Russian friend.



Scarlet: Oh god, no. The Slenderman program is controlled by a Russian programmer who made a vodka joke what?

SC276: OK wait, I think I got it. Slenderman is the NetNavi of the guy with the stupid fake Russian last name. That would’ve been nice to know before now!

ToonGuy: Oh shit I didn’t bring enough VODKA! WE’RE DOOMED.

Crazy56U: So... abandon all hope all, ye who enter here, then?



"Ok, we can do this, although we have one more 'friend' that will join the party!" Nikolai confirmed.



"Hey guys, sorry I'm late!" Joseph called out, in his Spanish accent.



JofY: Why is he now spanish?

Crazy56U: Well, maybe Joseph got jumpscared so much it caused him to change

nationalities... Why not, it makes as much sense as everything else...



A pony with no face and a suit with a slender-page-like cutie mark appeared.



SC276: are you fucking serious

Crazy56U: (eyes twitches) why

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, one of the greatest benefits of having no idea about the source material is that I can look at stuff like this and just go “Huh; would you look at that.”



"Let's get that fake Slender!" The pony shouted.



Scarlet: Yeah, there’s nothing artificial about YOU guys!

JofY: [Slenderpony] “I mean, ripping off Slenderman, how could you!?”

[Slenderman] *somehow flips off Slenderpony*

Crazy56U: Coming from a fake Slender.



"Yeah, no one makes fun of the world's most renowned horror expert!" Slenderman cried.



JofY: The internet?

Crazy56U: Oh, cry me a river, why don’t ya, you slender piece-of-shit...



"Well then, are we ready guys!? Time to adventure into the deep unknown!" I cheered.



Scarlet: The Alph Ruins?

SC276: You just knocked the guy away. He can’t be that hard to track down. Also, how come there isn’t a pony avatar of Tumblr here like there was for Facebook and Twitter?

Crazy56U: You’re currently in a bootleg Slender ripoff. There is nothing “deep” or “unknown” about it.



A demonic Discord voice came from the sky, exactly like if he had a tower and he was using a speaker system to speak to all of us



JofY: Unfortunately for him, there was something wrong with the system so they had to call in IT, and they said that a certain part needed to be replaced which he didn’t know that they had, and s- *gets dragged off screen*

Crazy56U: (is the one dragging JofY) T-trust- trust me, t-this is for the best...



"You pathetic ponies and Slenderman think can rid the world of the most evil, most strongest, most haunted virus on this entire planet!?



JofY: Now he’s just embellishing.

SC276: Was there a poll so he could claim a title like that?

Crazy56U: He created a StrawPoll concerning it and the only options were “Yes” and “Yeah”.

ToonGuy: Yes, Definitely, Absolutely.



You can't I will destroy all of you and no one will find the data from anything I will destroy!



JofY: “Unless you remember to regularly backup your data, in which case I’ll still be kind of annoying, but still!”

Crazy56U: Then destroy this series of stories.



Ha-ha! All of you will be destroyed! Try and find those stupid cupcakes. It won't matter, I still will win, no matter how many stupid computer programs and people you throw at me!"



"Just you wait, ugly dragon-thing with no face!



JofY: Oh, wow. Think you solved global warming with how bad that burn was.

Scarlet: 2/10, not nearly enough sass.

Crazy56U: Coming from the ugly pony-thing with no face.



We'll wipe you off the face of the whole Earth you scumbag!" Slenderpony exclaimed.



SC276: So wait, the guy with no face insulted a guy by saying he has no face?

ToonGuy: Or maybe it’s like a Face/Off thing where they’re trading faces….The Cage would make things so much better.

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, just have him roll in, use that fucking rock attack and kill me every Lost run I- wait, wrong Cage.

Crazy56U: Takes one to know one.



"And rid the world of this awful imposter of the true Slenderman!" Slenderman yelled.



JofY: Slenderpony?

SC276: The fact that this is a freakin’ NetNavi?

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) (slowly lowers onto the floor) I- I’m gon- I’m gonna just lay down, here, okay? I-I’m still here, I- I ju- I just... ...I just don’t know anymore, man...



"Try, just try and destroy me! You'll see there's far worse to what I can do to all of you!"



JofY: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.



The demonic voice faded.



SC276: Dude, the worst you can do is delete them. Just like you did with two social networks before this.



"Ok, first order of business, everyone scatter and find the last four cupcakes!" I ordered the group.



"Yes sir!" Joseph replied.



"On my way comrade!" Nikolai answered.



Scarlet: Because the game still matters because… somehow.



Slenderpony and Slenderman went their separate ways and Pinkie and I continued the search for the last four cupcakes. Slendercord seemed to be able to clone himself, because he was everywhere at once and could get all of us, as my friends using their mikes, were telling me.



JofY: So they weren’t programs? But… Huh? Could I get a flowchart here?



We were in serious trouble. He could gang up on any of us when we weren't looking. But, Pinkie and I tried our best.



Scarlet: We never gave up! We hung in there! We toughed it out!

SC276: I’d say they’re filled with determination, but...



We found two cupcakes and my friends found one each.



JofY: Wait, I thought he had 3 friends and only 4 cupcakes were remaining. Also, should are the two slenders included? The math is confused. Scratch that, I’m confused!



We came back to the middle of the forest, where the "Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters" ruins were.



SC276: Y’know, this is the most lifeless Everfree I’ve ever seen.



Then Slendercord appeared before us and clapped his hands.



Scarlety: And insert Citizen Kane clip here.



"Bravo, Bravo! Well done! You've passed my first test!



SC276: [Discord] “Somehow, even though I’m a flagrant cheater. Also, I’m not calling an instant loss with having multiple player characters in a single-player game because” *chocolate milk explodes*

JofY: I thought you only had to win one. Or is it the last one that actually matters?



Now onto the next one!"



"Wait! Slendercord, or I mean, , I have a proposition for you!" I called out.



JofY: Okay class, we already had “ “ and ‘ ‘ , but now we have this , , character. Pay attention, there will be a test later.



was about to snap his fingers and change the level to the next test he wanted us to do, when he stopped "Yes? What is it?"



JofY: Why do I have a bad feeling of dread on what’s about to happen?

ToonGuy: Ah, hello feeling of anguish. I’ve missed you.



"Well… I know you want revenge and all, but the man who pressured us into bullying you was Alma Corianton.



JofY: “His issues mainly stem from his parents hating him!”



He was the one who, without us really knowing, wanted us to make fun of you for your status as a 'Brony', Jeremy Michaelson.



JofY: How?

ToonGuy: Well, shit. This is not going to end well.

CaptainPipsqueak: It hadn’t started well, either, so why wreck it?

SC276: I’m sorry, given season 2 had to have been at full swing by the point he died, how the fuck are you so stupid you can be tricked into bullying a friend so hard he suicides over something you don’t understand?!



We are truly sorry for the pain and anguish we caused you to take your life.



JofY: “We’re sorry, uh… What’s your name again?”



We never meant you to do the thing you did, we were stupid kids back then and we never understood how you truly felt.



JofY: You are all still accessories. Also, ‘stupid kids’ for an incident 2… 3 years ago? Seriously?

SC276: And I thought Mykan was a fucking idiot.



If you could forgive us, maybe then we can work together to stop the man behind 4chan.



JofY: Just two years before retirement. Also, just because the platform may be wrong, doesn’t mean that the one who built it had bad intentions, so fuck you.

ToonGuy: I’m beginning to think that this man has slight delusions of grandeur.



The one responsible for kids putting their phones in microwaves to try and charge them, the kid who put the grenade in his toilet because he was faked into thinking it would be a wicked splash, and the man who posted the people hanging themselves. That was all him!



JofY: Accuse! Accuse!

SC276: One, how does a kid get access to grenades? Two, whatever makes you think all of those were one guy?!



We have to stop him, and we need your help!"



JofY: No one else on the internet would want to follow in his footsteps!



I preached to " ".



JofY: ...Why is no one calling him by is actual name?



"Wait, that was him? That sick freak!" Joseph shouted.



" I didn't know idiot children would think a microwave could charge their phones?! Ha-ha that's funny!" Nikolai laughed.



SC276: Says the guy that was talked into bullying a guy into killing himself! It’s stupider than knocking someone out by saying there’s a gas leak and having them hold their breath until they pass out!



"Nikolai!" Everyone shouted at him.



"Sorry…" Nikolai apologized.



"I know, we just need your help, Jeremy."I finished. "We promise we won't destroy you as long as you help us stop Alma from his rampaging internet destruction!" I called out to my best friend.



JofY: You barely remember his name! You bullied him to suicide!

SC276: Also, all Discord’s done in this story is destroy the Internet!



"Ok… I-" Demonic Discord's voice suddenly was wavering back and forth from a young man's Scottish voice to the monster who had troubled his best friends for so long



JofY: ‘In all honesty, it was quite silly.’



"Ok- I will do it- I can't do it! I am the Master of All Demonic Chaos!- But we must!"



So " " was having an internal affair, in which the good was trying to overcome the evil. "No! I MUST CONTINUE MY EVIL REIGN TO DESTROY ALL THE EARTH'S SOCIAL MEDIA SITES!"



JofY: Oh, I’m sorry, but in actuality, 4chan is from Pluto. Sorry bout that.



" " screamed.



All of a sudden, the evil " " was transformed in a blinding green light into a man with ginger hair, a dark green hoodie , lime green Levi jeans, a bright green t-shirt, and a pakistan green fedora, and Cal Poly Green Propel 2.0 Heelys that were forest green with a lawn green circular logo on the side and laces.



JofY: Anonymous delivers.

SC276: Gheeze, St. Patrick, tone it down a bit.

ToonGuy: Lucky Charms and their delivery got weird in the early 2000’s.

Crazy56U:



He fell to the floor, on his knees.



"Woah, woah, what in the hay just happened?" Pinkie asked



JofY: None of us know.



"Did ' ' become, 'good'?" She asked me.



"Yeah. Help him up please." I persauded her.



"Um… I have hooves… I can't." Pinkie mumurred.



Crazy56U: The Pinkie Pie AI is unable to cheer someone up, instead opting to blame

her hooves. How do you fuck up programming an AI that bad?



"I have got it, good sir." Nikolai started "Slenderman, help this poor troubled young man up again please?"



SC276: What happened to this guy’s Russia again?

JofY: “Slenderman, could you please become an upstanding member of society?”



"As you wish, my master."



JofY: Why does a Russian own internet Slenderman?



Slenderman, as tall as he was, bent his knees and reached his hand out to the troubled soul.



JofY: Slenderman doesn’t have hands.

SC276: This guy hasn’t shown factual accuracy for two and a half fics. You really think he’s going to start now?

JofY: I’ve been nitpicking the facts on these for over two and a half months. You really think I’m going to stop now?



The young man took it and got back up on his feet.



"Thanks guys. I was really taken by a truly great evil there.



JofY: [Jeremy] “My Little Pony.”



I appreciate the help!" Jeremy announced.



"Anything for someone who definitely needed it, my good friend." Nikolai said.



SC276: Has the writer forgotten he’s supposed to be doing a creepypasta again?

ToonGuy: This is what happens when Fluttershy writes Creepypastas….actually, take that back, she’d probably write one better.



"Even if we didn't seem like we would all those years ago, that doesn't matter now, all that matters is we'll help you now." Joseph, with guilt in his heart for his sin against his friend, explained.



SC276: Because the writer has no idea how a freakin’ story works.



"It's alright. I understand how bad you must of felt for what you did to me. I forgive all of you for the crimes that were so unintentionally done unto me.



JofY: One, what crimes? No seriously, I thought it was just that they unfriended him and that isn’t a crime... Did they actively attack him!? Because that requires intentional effort!



I just hope I can move on and forgive myself of the crime against myself." He sobbed.



JofY: 5 minutes before, he was the most EVIL! POSSIBLE! THING!



"Hey! Hey! Don't get down! Pinkie will always turn that frown upside down!" She came over and hugged Jeremy.



"Thanks…" He sniffed. "I always knew you'd be there to lift me up when I was down." He stood firm and spoke with much boldness "Now I'm ready to destroy 4chan and it's evil ruler, Alma Corianton, the Master of all Evil Chaos!"



JofY: ...I don’t think 4chan works like that.

SC276: What is with this author and overly dramatic evil titles?



"You darn right we are!" Slenderpony exclaimed.



"As right as a right turn!" Pinkie shouted.



JofY: Damn it Pinkie! We were supposed to take a left! Now it’ll take forever to get back on the freeway.

SC276: What were we supposed to do at Albuquerque again?



"No evil is as evil as the Master of Evil himself: Slenderman! He won't beat me at being evil!" Slenderman yelled.



JofY: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.



"Well, if we are all ready! Let's do this!" I proclaimed.



SC276: LEEROOOOOY-



"Wait!"



SC276: toolateJENKIIIIIIIINS!!



A yellow pony with a beautiful pink mane appeared "Fluttershy's here now!"



JofY: Because why not.

SC276: Exactly what every creepypasta needs: more Fluttershy.



"Jarom! Hey, she looks great! Nice job on the 'Fluttershy Software'!" Joseph pointed out.



JofY: I’ve forgotten if I’ve pointed this out already but since this does need to be stated, these people bullied a friend to suicide because he watched MLP!

SC276: On top of the fact that guy crashed Facebook, how the fuck would he know how to make a NetNavi?



"Thanks…" The Afghani, Jarom, replied.



JofY: ‘Course if he wasn’t so Afghanistan he would have said it better.’

SC276: What do these nationalities have to do with anything? If they were important, they would’ve come up when the guy was introduced in the first story.



"Now let us berid the world of this evil!" Jeremy shouted.



JofY: A story about a “ragtag” group of people trying to destroy all evil by attacking one singular group… If this starts talking about the morality of atoms, I’m leaving.

SC276: Also, attacking 4chan is exactly what Chris-chan did, so…

ToonGuy: We’re still sweeping up the ashes from that…..got some over my nice shoes.



"Yes… but we need you to use your supernatural powers to create a game where we are hacking into their software." I added.



JofY: Why? Is it the firewall that forces it to be like that? Can’t be because it was made in retaliation. Hell, that would actually have been a good reason to explain the whole game aspect. After all, it’d be something.

SC276: Pretty sure I had the idea of video games being one of only two places where cyberspace could reasonably exist first. I oughta sue.



"Alright. If it's for my friends, then I can do it!" Jeremy confidently addressed the group.



"Okie-doki-loki-poki-artichoki!" Pinkie declared.



SC276: Oh my god, Pinkie, shut up.



"That was over-the-top my pink pony pal." Nikolai noticed.



JofY: In a way that was not awkwardly phrased at all.



"Sorry."



CaptainPipsqueak: No you’re not, you lying equine bitch.



"No problem my pink pony pal." Nikolai made a very spectacular return.



JofY: Return? Return from where?

SC276: The same long nickname twice in a row? That doesn’t get tiresome fast.

CaptainPipsqueak: And certainly not once.



"Can we go already!? I have an appointment with Slenderwoman on Facebook in an hour."



JofY: Oh… Oh my… You just murdered continuity! You butchered it! You bastard!

SC276: The entire first story was about Facebook being destroyed, are you fucking kidding me!

CaptainPipsqueak: No, that was FACEbook, This is FaceBOOK.

ToonGuy: Slenderwoman? *imagines, shudders* Oh, uh, boooo, continuity’s dead.



Slenderman urged.



"Oooh! Is she cute!? Can I meet her!?" Pinkie hollered.



"No no no and most defintely no! This is my alone time with her… but…"Slenderman hesitated "She is very pretty, yes…." Slenderman blushed.



JofY: She has just the most beautiful face with no identifiable features.

SC276: Why won’t the Skip button work?!



"It's ok… I have a friend back home who I think the same way about. He looks like me, but his name is Bubbleberry.



JofY: “He’s a color swap of me!”



He's soooo adorable!" Pinkie also blushes.



"Can we just get on with this and destroy Alma and 4chan before I get love sick!" Jeremy bellowed.



SC276: For once, some sense in these stories!

ToonGuy: Don’t get comfortable with it.



"Yes sir…"Slenderman and Pinkie uttered.



"Now, Jeremy, can you do the honors?" I directed.



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Honors’, ‘horrors, ‘potayto’, ‘potahto’...



"Yes I can!" Jeremy pointed his palm out in front of him and a green portal opened up. He gestured them to go through it "Ladies and Slenders first. I'll go last."



"Yes siree we'll hurry with Cheerilee!"



JofY: [Cheerilee] “Help! I’m being dragged into this story!”

SC276: For the love of Mew, Pinkie, shut up already!



Pinkie Pie ran through the portal. Everyone else followed her.



The place they came to was… demonic to say the least. There were floating images of evil and sick twisted events listing here would make you get nightmares over and over again.



JofY: Oh, that’s just /b/.



Let's just say the evil here would make Satan look like a small pathetic mouse compared to this giant house cat of pure malicious and cruel intent.



JofY: CAAAAAAT!

SC276: SQUIRREL!



Alma Corianton had changed happy and good 4chan (let's be honest they are evil or just anti-hero, but now they are demonic), to a corrupt and vile state.



JofY: They didn’t change anything… but EVIL!!!

SC276: So they made something that was evil… more evil?



Everyone was about to puke, even if some of them were computer programs.



JofY: Their only salvation was pressing Ctrl+P+U

SC276: How about Ctrl+F+U? Also, I love how the author had no problem describing a giant-ass field of pony corpses, yet keeps everything vague when describing what is basically this guy’s idea of Hell.

CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe we should handle the descriptions, then? This is certainly our version of it.



Then a man with black ruffled hair and a goatee, horns, dark red skin, fangs, claws on his hands and feet, and wearing a red robe all the way down to his feet appeared there in front of us.



JofY: Hey, Bob.



He was holding a staff made of the bones of human remains. The top of the staff was a demon skull with horns, long sharp nose, and sharp teeth. He cackled with a very dark and scary voice that shook the whole room, even if it was the game.



SC276: Well this guy doesn’t trip every “evil” flag to ever exist.



"You can't beat me! I am the devil!" Alma shouted.



JofY: “Oh! Hey, didn’t see you there. This? Just rehearsing for my next play.”

ToonGuy: It’s getting rave reviews, especially from the riff community!

SC276: Called “Put That Fic Back Where It Came From, or So Help Me.” Also, the devil has hoofed legs. Also also, “You cannot infect me. I have firewall.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Literally.



"NO! You can't do this!



JofY: Yes he can. True you are trying to stop him, but without that, he would have the ability to do whatever he just wanted to do.



I know what it's like to be evil, it doesn't benefit anyone at all!



JofY: I would like to take the opportunity to point out that 4chan has done things like catch animal abusers, and given us Chocolate Rain, Rickrolling, and Cat memes.

SC276: Also, Ruby Quest, Nan Quest, and Magia Revolution. I… think that’s 4chan, at least.

ToonGuy: Yeah. What have you done, hero? Don’t see you laying down any laws of the internet.



You need to stop!" Jeremy roared.



"STOP!? STOP!? WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!



JofY: SOMEONE WHO HAS CAPS LOCK ON AND DOESN’T REALIZE IT YET.



I AM THE DEVIL!" The devilish human vociferated.



JofY: I would like to remind you, this man used to be the other’s friend.

SC276: I can’t believe the author actually used “vociferated” correctly.



"Ha-ha-ha! Laughing is hurting my side!" Slenderman began "This guy thinks he's evil! I eat children for breakfast!



JofY: ...Yeah. They’re a nutritious source of vitamins. I don’t see the problem here.

SC276: Oh that Slenderman! *laugh track*

ToonGuy: “We’ve secretly replaced their regular Slenderman with Folger’s Crystals, let’s see if they notice.”



This guy just corrupted a website, you can't get evil by doing that! This is just a computer program!"



JofY: Dude, right now, he could say: “I know you are but what am I?” and be right.

SC276: Then the previous Discord just took out a handful of websites, which doesn’t make him evil either. Just an absolute jerk that couldn’t make a fair game to save his life.



"ARRGGGH!"



JofY: [Daveil] “My leg!”

ToonGuy: “MY CABBAGES!!!”



The devil sent a spell from his staff at Slednerman, a giant fireball, towards the faceless man



JofY: After aiming, he fired an aimed shot.

SC276: Just in case you didn’t catch it the first time.



and he was thrown back against his friends, being the bowling ball against the pins.



JofY: Strike!

SC276: Watch, the rest of the game’s gonna be gutter balls.



"OUCH! Man, warn me next time!" Slenderpony stood up with much difficulty, still hurt from Slenderman's force of impact.



SC276: [Slenderman] “Bosses telegraph their attacks! Haven’t you ever played a video game before?!”



Slenderman got up and sent his tentacles at the beast, grabbed him, and threw him in the opposite direction of his friends "NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE, MESSES WITH THE KING OF HORROR!"



JofY: Alfred Hitchcock?



After the demon hit the ground, he got up like that was a a small bruise, and then proceed to grab Slenderman and crush his bones, even though he was a computer program, the game gave him a physical game body and then tossed him like chopped liver



SC276: This is why no one likes ragdoll physics.



"NO ONE HURTS THE DEMON KING SATAN!"



"No…. no! You can't hurt my daddy! YOU'LL PAY!" Slenderpony then grew spiky red hair and demon red eyes on her face.



JofY: Awww… That’s adorable. I just wanna pinch his check.

ToonGuy: HE HAS BECOME, A SUPER SLENDERMAN GOD!!!!



A bright red aura exploded around her and she yelled "RAAAAAAGH!" The aura blew up even more in a red hot fury.



JofY: Yay! She blew up!



"NO ONE TOUCHES MY DADDY!"

SC276: Gheeze, no one can do anything around here. Also, Super Saiyan Slenderpony.



"Ooh…" Fluttershy whispered "She's even more scarier than me when I'm mad."



"It's ok." Jarom consoled her.



"Thanks." Fluttershy replied.



JofY: Yes, tell us more of how a red pony is scary. Heaven forbid you show us.



"YOU WILL DIE DEMON FREAK!" Super Slenderpony then shot a giant red chaos blast at the demon and he took it. He was still standing there, but was majorly burnt. He thought he could take it.



SC276: I thought I could take this. Clearly, I was wrong.

ToonGuy: We all were…when will we learn!?



"HA-HA-HA-HA! That was weak! That tickled! My turn!" He threw his staff down and shot a demonic black blast at Super Slenderpony and she countered with a chaotic red blast of her own. She struggled to keep the black blast away from her.



JofY: He shot a blast. She shot a blast. He shot a blast. She shot a blast...

SC276: Everyone’s heads were darting back and forth trying to follow the ball.



It was a super serious power struggle, one fighting for strength to throw their blast against the opponent's.



JofY: Like a game of tennis!



The blasts went back and forth until Demonic Alma shot a blast that pushed Super Slenderpony's back to almost getting killed level when Jeremy shot a lime green blast of his own to help Super Slenderpony's blast. He was now like a Super Sayian, but his hair was light green and spikey with a forest green aura around him.



JofY: When one isn’t B.S. enough, have two.

SC276: I WAS JOKING

CaptainPipsqueak: ...buh.

ToonGuy: Easy there fellas. We’re on the tail-end.



"I have got your back Super Slenderpony!" Jeremy shouted.



JofY: Jeremy then proceeded to tear out Slenderpony’s spine and ran away.



"Alright!"



"Dont forget us!" Pinkie cried. Pinkie and Fluttershy ran up next to Jeremy and Super Slenderpony.



They both powered up into their Rainbow Power forms.



JofY: Okay, without checking, who wants to bet that the author got down the colors remotely to their actual design?

SC276: For a moment, I thought Slenderman went Rainbow Power, because that honestly wouldn’t surprise me at this point.



Pinkie had a yellow, orange, and blue rainbow going across her mane with balloons of dark pink, purple, and light blue on her hooves, stars all over her mane, and a bow in her mane with a light yellow star in the middle. There were dark pink circles under her eyes and her cutie mark area a darker pink,. She had a light pink aura bursting around her. Fluttershy had grown a slightly longer mane with light blue and purple streaks in it. Her, now light purple wings, had light blue outlining with dark purple hearts on the edges of them. Her cutie mark had a couple extra butterflies on it and there were now all kinds of colors of butterflies on her hooves. A light blue aura burst around her. Pinkie shot a pink blast and Fluttershy shot a light blue blast that knocked the Demonic Alma's back.



SC276: Forget accuracy, that’s way too much freakin’ detail in a written medium for a simple appearance chance.



He struggled, he tried and tried to push their blasts back, but to no avail. The blasts knocked his back a significant distance. "NO NO NO NO!" Demonic Alma shouted. Our heroic blasts overcame the evil blast and completely destroyed the Demon.



JofY: That was easy.

ToonGuy: I think that I’m going to lie down after this.

Crazy56U: Damn it, we should’ve gotten a Staples button, it would’ve fixed this

mess...



Everyone turned back into their original selves after the demon was destroyed.



JofY: [Daveil] “Ah ha! Second wind, bitches!”

SC276: So, wait, did they destroy 4chan? I’ve lost track.



Everything was changed back to normal. The area around them became tan with the 4chan clover logos floating around and positive messages floating around instead of evil ones.



JofY: Like: ‘FUCK YOU!’ or ‘You a faggot’... It’s 4chan. What do expect the messages to say?



The Demon now was turned into a man with a red t-shirt, black jeans, black spiky crew-cut hair, and dark brown skin.



JofY: What? No face?

SC276: If this guy hates social media sites, why does 4chan get a pass and the guy in charge of it was just possessed by generic evil?

ToonGuy: Because you expected continuity?



He opened his eyes.



JofY: Once he saw what he was wearing, he never opened them again.



They were a slight maroon color, but not bright red anymore. He cowered in fear because he thought his friends would never forgive him.



"Friends, I'm…. I'm sorry for the way I have treated you- especially Jeremy.



JofY: I’ll give the author this, the turnaround is as fast as in MLP.



I was awful- the way I treated you hurt you and drove you to take your life. I didn't mean it to go that far.



JofY: How far did you plan? You do not become the devil overnight.

SC276: I do not think you thought your cunning plan all the way through.



All of you, I need your forgiveness.



SC276: Guess who’s gonna starve to death then.



I just hope you can forgive me, and I can truly forgive myself for sending my best friend to a fate worse than death, becoming an evil computer program bent on destroying everyone."



JofY: [Alma] “Saying it out loud, it’s kind of stupid.”



Then Alma cried and tried to wipe the tears off his face.



JofY: Inside a computer program.

SC276: /me starts sobbing.

Crazy56U: No, no, like this: ;________;



"Hey it's ok! We all forgive you Alma!" Jeremy shouted.



JofY: [Jeremy] “You only made all of my friends treat me like dirt because of something I liked leading to me ending my life with hatred. No biggy.”

SC276: Also, hundreds of people out of a job. Does your imaginary world where Facebook is a start-up have a better economy?



"I know my friends forgave me for the awful things I did.



JofY: He only ruined the lives of hundreds if not thousands, of people, and that’s assuming that Facebook was a startup.

ToonGuy: My head hurts. Not sure if that’s because I’ve hit it against so many blunt surfaces or because it’s just so bad



Everyone, give this man a great big hug!" Everyone came in for a group hug. They hugged their new friend tight.



"Ok-ok thanks guys. Please let go." Alma sniffed.



SC276: Choke him to death!



"Give the new guy some room." Pinkie backed up and everyone did as well.



"What now? No more evil demonic computer programs to take out! What now?"



JofY: Fuck?

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s your answer for everything. Broaden your horizons, man.

SC276: How about marketing NetNavis and that firewall from the last fic and getting rich?



Slenderpony was eager to take out the next evil-doer who managed to mess with them.



SC276: I thought he was in this to get rid of competition for evil.



"How about all of us get together in-wait- you aren't alive anymore Jeremy…



JofY: And like that, Jeremy poofed out of existence.



How about we set up a server where all of us can get together once a week and Jeremy can meet us. I bet God can work something out like that, he wouldn't mind." I suggested.



"Sure! See ya later guys! I gotta go apologize to God!



JofY: “God, about that position you gave me…”

SC276: God is involved, and yet he didn’t stop a ghost from destroying Facebook?



Hopefully he can truly forgive me for the terrible things I have done." Jeremy said as he faded from existance.



SC276: Too bad the story couldn’t go with it.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, The Killers.



"BYE!" Everyone shouted.



CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, it was “DIE!” They were trying to speed the process.



Alma agreed "Meeting once a week would be ok."



JofY: We hope you’ve enjoyed, No Moral Theater.



Epilogue:



I couldn't say we all lived happily ever after because



Crazy56U: You all took part in this?



Jarom was trying to find a new job and Joseph was trying to get his old job back, but we were content now that " " and that evil demon were wiped off the face of the planet.



JofY: Unfortunately it burrowed deep into the body of the planet and it’s been weeks since last seen.

SC276: Hasn’t it been like at least two years? Is it really so difficult to recover from crashing a start-up no one gave a shit about? Like, are the grocery stores not hiring?



Jeremy did get a chance to visit us every week, on the assumption that he would do good things instead of bad things.



JofY: Wow. Science fiction authors are rolling in their graves after that statement.

Crazy56U: Even the ones who are still alive, it was that bad.



Alma was working on making 4chan the most happiest place that can be, with no malicious or evil posts being made and those who did would get banned.



Fallen Prime: I’ll take “Unrealistic Fever Dreams” for $1000, Alex.

ToonGuy: And I’ll try “Incredibly Stupid Optimism” for $2000.

JofY: I’ll go for “How the Hell Did He Get to Be in Charge in the First Place”... for $3000.

CaptainPipsqueak: And I’ll take “Oh ho ho, you have got to be shitting me!” for the win.

Crazy56U: (puts head in hands, begins screaming)

SC276: It’s a Daily Double!



I continued my job at Tumblr, and I even got promoted to a Manager position.



Fallen Prime: Yahoo’s made sure that position’s worth jack shit.

Crazy56U: Hey now, we’re not exactly sure if Yahoo bought Tumblr in this timeline...



I thank Jeremy for not ridding the world of Social Media sites, because we couldn't meet each week and everyone would be sad they couldn't talk to friends far apart. I'm just glad everything turned out ok and no one else was hurt by the evil monster my friends and I had created.



JofY: So, how’s all the thousands that became jobless after Facebook disappeared?

SC276: If the author just only hated Facebook, why bother with the other two stories?

Crazy56U: Because he’s a sadist.



Thank chocolate milk for that.



JofY: Regular milk can suck it.

SC276: You leave the sweet delicious brown gold out of this.

Crazy56U: (dumps a gallon of chocolate milk onto the floor while flipping you off)



Anyway, gotta go, I've written as much as I can and told the whole story for you guys. Have fun and enjoy our tale of " "



JofY: And this has been, The DiscordExe Trilogy. And what a fucking piece of shit that was. I struggle to think of a fic that was as factually wrong as this one was. Every single part about this fic has no clue how anything works. Hell, I’m not even sure what the author was trying to achieve with these stories. Sure, you could say that it’s an attempt to dethrone social media sites, but the people who work on it are the protagonists, and are attempted to be shown as good people. Not even 4chan is purely lambasted, as it says that it’s just one guy’s fault for how bad it is. Can’t say that it’s a story about redemption, since that whole bit only occurred in the last story. It ain’t even an OC insert fic since each story focuses on different characters. And don’t tell me that’s it’s a creepypasta type horror thing, since it never makes an attempt to try and show that the protagonists are in any real world danger. Especially since it just goes full on Dragon Ball at the end. Whadda bout the rest of you?

Crazy56U: What a rotten ending.

CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, this series of stories is so stupid, I think I may have

actually gained the ability to write program code. I’m going to go slam my head on

my spare keyboard for half an hour or so.

ToonGuy: Have fun. I’m going to get drunk and smash my computer against thewall... Then I’m going to go lie down and cry. Just a typical Saturday night. This wasn’t scary,

wasn’t effective, it’s not even doing it’s job as a smear piece!

SC276: I’m going to go boot up GameMaker and show this stupid haunted virus what actual game design is. I’ve got little else to say about a series that won’t keep continuity when there needs to be.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: The poll results are in… and damn, that was close.

Fallen Prime: I may have been the deciding vote on one of them. I looked at the tying stories, and one just looked more suitable for riffing than the other. I even have a minor history with the author of the other story, and I STILL didn’t see the thing as fit for riffing. Looked like a spite project anyway, and I really don’t think anyone but Mykan can make them worth scrutinizing.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Anyway, as I was setting the winning story up for riffing, I noticed something. Particularly, that it had a prequel.

Fallen Prime: Or, more accurately, that it itself was a sequel. Both are LUDICROUSLY short for multi-chapter projects, their combined length well within our comfortable limit, so we’re just gonna run ‘em both. Ladies and gentlemen, because you goddamn asked for it, Infinity Blade Brony’s shitty mini-saga of “The Shining Sabre” and “The New Bearer.”

RingmasterJ5: And yes, this is a Rainbow Factory fanfic, so expect bad and prepare for even worse.

JofY: Ooh! Please tell me that this is going to get really silly.

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re a bastard and I lovehate you.

SC276: Well, at least it’s not another Mare-Do-Well fic…

Crazy56U: Just once can’t we get a Canterlot Wedding fic?



Prologue



CaptainPipsqueak: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

Crazy56U: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*



Scootaloo couldn't sleep that night as the rumored pegasus foal nappings have been swimming in her head like an school of fish.



SC276: And already we’re away from the canon. I give up on these even bothering to stay consistent anymore.

CaptainPipsqueak: What’s wrong with foals taking a snooze?

Crazy56U: Let me guess: the plot twist is that Scootaloo is a sea pony?

Bucephalus: Shoo-shoo-be-doo!

CaptainPipsqueak: *pulls out baseball bat*

Topher: *pulls out a shotgun*

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t kill him; he learns nothing that way.

Topher: I’ll aim for something not important.



Well she was ripped from not only the state of daydreaming but her bed too!



JofY: Someone finally ripped off the threads that had sewn her to her bed.

Crazy56U: ...ow?



"HELP ME!" she yelled at the top of her lungs as the masked pegasus grabbed her and darted out the window before her sister could react.



CaptainPipsqueak: And straight into the ‘action’ without a moment’s warning. My neck hurts.

SC276: You might wanna pace yourself there, author.

Scarlet: Zorro, no! You’re better than this!

Crazy56U: Holy crap, this is a Mare-Do-Well fic! And she’s gone rogue!

Bucephalus: Wow. This pace is like Insane Bolt.



"SCOOTALOO!" Cheerilee yelled.



CaptainPipsqueak: ...so Scootaloo’s in school? I thought you said she was in bed?

JofY: Clearly, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sister.

SC276: Worst sleepover ever.

Crazy56U: Wait, Cheerilee is Scootaloo’s sis- is this supposed to take place in G3?

Bucephalus: I thought Scootaloo was in her house. Cheerilee’s in Scootaloo’s house?

Pardon me while I go vomit.

Topher: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this WAS going, and I’ve seen enough snuff films to know where it is going...



But it was too late it happened to fast devastated that her only sister



CaptainPipsqueak: ...wut.

Scarlet: There is no time to escape make you time.

Crazy56U: Well, thankfully we have a narrator that can truly deliver the story in the

dramatic tone it deserves.

Bucephalus: I’m going to go wonder what I’m doing here. Cya.



was taken from her she vowed she would get her home safe but how! She was no pegasus she can't fly.



JofY: She couldn’t do the jive talk to narrate herself away!

Crazy56U: Well, that’s just stinkin’ thinkin’, Cheerilee! Just because you don’t have

wings doesn’t mean you can’t fly! Just borrow/steal Pinkie’s helicopter-thingy!



But she new a pony



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, right out of the blister pack!

SC276: new Pony();

Crazy56U: And so Cheerilee pulled a Wonder Woman and turned into a superhero to

chase after Scootaloo.

Bucephalus: The only thing that can save us is an ‘I’ll make a man out of you’ type

montage.



that can and he wasn't even a pegasus.



Scarlet: Cheerilee is forced to confront her nascent racism? (what)

Crazy56U: Nope, he was the Antichrist!

Bucephalus: Scarlet, shoot me. Quick.

Topher: On it! *shoots Bruce in the head* Hm… *shoots Bruce a few more times*

Bucephalus: Since when was my name Bruce?

Topher: Look, It just makes things easier if I just call you Bruce. Speaking of which, You’re not a poofter are you?



Thinking her luck had turned for the better she rushed to the library so Spike the dragon could get a very valuable letter to Canterlot for she was getting cousin Sabre!



CaptainPipsqueak: I’m beginning to get the feeling that this guy thinks punctuation is an interesting theory, but not the sort of thing for him.

SC276: Lemme revise that: new Pony(“crap OC”);

Crazy56U: Oh, okay, that makes more sense then: he’s not a pegasus, he’s a sword.

Bucephalus: Silly, he’s both. Transformers, ponies in disguise!



Chapter 1 The Letter the Cousin and the Hero



SC276: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, which I would rather be locked in - without my personal electronics - than read this.

Scarlet: All will be forgiven if Mr. Tumnus strolls in to save the story.

Crazy56U: This is a shitty sequel to “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover”...

Scarlet: Oooh, appropriate follow-up to a film with food as a central theme!

Bucephalus: Exactly. We’ll all be vegtables by the end.



Celestial Sabre



SC276: British!

Crazy56U: Which sounds like a shitty Final Smash move...



was just practicing his magic when a guard came in the door with a letter.



JofY: It was ‘T’

SC276: It was pain!

CaptainPipsqueak: “A message from the princesses, sir: something about ‘Fucking off and dying.’”

Crazy56U: It was from the Social Security Administration office, they’ve denied his

application to have his name changed. ...again...



He seemed concerned,



Crazy56U: What with his vacant expression and dead-to-the-world appearance...



well I guess you want to know what our protagonist looks like.



SC276: Only if you can do that without bringing the entire narrative flow to a screeching halt.

Scarlet: Actually I was hoping we could skip that and I could imagine that he’s secretly a gnome.

CaptainPipsqueak: I was thinking three weasels and a rabbit done up in a trenchcoat, myself.

Crazy56U: “He was clearly upset by the letter FUCK IT, CHARACTER DESCRIPTION

TIME!”

Bucephalus: Personally, I want to know why our protagonist can’t go screw himself

with some rusty nails.

Topher: Because you can’t screw nails, silly!



Now Sabre is a chestnut unicorn with walnut brown mane and crossed swords with purple blades for a Cutie mark.



Scarlet: ~Now Old Red was the damndest dog that I had ever seen/got a nose that can smell a two-day trail, he’s a four-legged trackin’ machine~

CaptainPisqueak: ~You can consider yourself mighty lucky to get past the gators and

the quicksand beds/But all the years that I been here ain’t nobody got past Red.~

Crazy56U: ...well, at least he’s not an alicorn…

Bucephalus: I’d love him to be an alicorn if he got his horn with one of those

aforementioned nails.

CaptainPipsqueak: Actually, if Saran Wrap is a chestnut unicorn, what was Sandwich

Bag before?



"Urgent message from Ponyville comes from a Miss.Cheerilee.". At the mention of his cousin Sabre ran to the guard using magic to open the message.



SC276: So wait, did you open the letter using magic, or run using magic?

JofY: Silly SC, you don’t run with magic in your hands, you could cut someone.

Crazy56U: No, he sliced the letter open with magic, duh. ...well, that and the guard...



"Dear Celestial Sabre I've come bearing bad news Scootaloo has been kidnapped!" startled at the statement he momentairaly stopped reading to catch his breath and kept reading.



Scarlet: Sometimes, in order to read, one must not-read. The Zen of letters.

CaptainPisqueak: Reading tires him. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our hero, Celestial Sabre!

Crazy56U: Huh, so he has severe asthma? That’s... interesting…

Bucephalus: Dear Cuz, this fanfiction doesn’t need you. Go find a far more crappy universe to inhabit.

Topher: I’ve seen news of a kidnapping delivered better by King Koopa.

CaptainPisqueak: Hey, at least then she’d be staying at a hotel. You could do worse.



"I need you Sabre your the only unicorn other than Twilight who would help well Twilight is out of town but contacted me I need you to get her back I promised Mom I would take care of her, please she needs you!".



SC276: ...OK, uh, one, you couldn’t have a letter sent to Twilight? You never specified how far away she is, she might even be closer than this guy. Two, you haven’t “come” anywhere, you sent a letter. Three, “Help me, OC Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

Crazy56U: Okay, is it wrong that I seriously thought that Twilight was Cheerilee’s mom because of how that was written?

CaptainPipsqueak: If that sentence were any more run-on, we’d have to chase it.

Bucephalus: Last week we referenced Undertale. Now, with the upcoming FA, all references must be to Star Wars. Got it?

Topher: *explodes in a cloud of hype*



He dropped the letter grabbed his armor and took off!



CaptainPipsqueak: EXCITEMENT!

Crazy56U: Presumably by bursting through the ceiling…

Bucephalus: And then he left the story. The end.



Sabre arrived at Ponyville within the hour with the help of his magic.



SC276: Hmm, the Friendship Express was going from Ponyville to Canterlot during the MMMM episode, right? I suppose that would be an overnight trip then, but I refuse to believe he managed to clear that distance in an hour with just “magic” alone. Teleportation is too quick for “within the hour,” and I doubt he would levitate himself the entire way.

Crazy56U: Well, following up on my ceiling theory, given how fast he would need to go for a sudden takeoff and to burst through the ceiling, my reasoning is that he turned into a missile. ...how he managed to not blow up is a separate thing entirely...



I mean he is the second in command of the royal guard.



JofY: Like, look at how special he his. My god.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes; truly he is a snowflake of startling brilliance.

Crazy56U: “I mean… y’know?”

Bucephalus: Shh. Don’t tell him that he’s actually being taught to make spaghetti.

Topher: I have no clue what’s going on, but if spaghetti is being made, I’m all for it.



Shining Armor recognized his abilities at the attack on Canterlot when he used his magic weapons to dispatch twenty Changelings in a matter of moments.



SC276: Why yes, now is the perfect time for the crash course on the backstory of the character we don’t give a shit about!

Scarlet: [Shining] “Good job dispatching twenty changelings in a matter of moments. Yes, that’s still a frighteningly small percentage of the overall invasion force, but it’s the thought that counts.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Shining] “You took out those changelings by being knocked unconscious and falling on them, but I care about results, dammit!”

JofY: [Shining] “Wow. You beat up less changelings that my sister did! You’re the new second in command!”

Crazy56U: Which is code for “they ganged up on him and almost beat him to death while he was sobbing in the fetal position”...

Bucephalus: [Changeling No. 1] Let him win. He’s the writer’s fave.



"Well here I am." he said as he walked to the school.



SC276: [Sabre] “I’m gonna rock you like a hurricane.”

JofY: So, he’s a one hit wonder?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “...I think? I mean, this is Ponyville, right, tell me I didn’t get lost

again…”

Topher: [Prince Rutherford] “You make wrong turn at Apploosa. This YakYakistan.”



"Sabre oh thank Celestia your here!" said Cheerilee as she beckoned me in and explained to the students why I was here.



Scarlet: Dear god, he’s killed the narrator and taken over the story!

JofY: Someone call the police!

CaptainPipsqueak: Did...did the author just forget that the story was in third-person?

Crazy56U: No, the narrator got fed up and quit.



When two fillies a unicorn with a cotton candy mane and white fur,



CaptainPipsqueak: The fillies then ate the mane and were sent off with a swift slap to the ass.

Crazy56U: ...don’t tell me that’s supposed to be Pinkie’s kid...



and a yellow with red maned earth pony I recognized as Scootaloo's friends Applebloom, and Sweetiebell!



Crazy56U: ...Author, do you not know what Sweetie’s mane looks like?



"Well hello there girls how are you doing, you know with Scoots gone." said Sabre.



JofY: [Saber] “I hope that the random disappearance of your best friend isn’t hurting you right now. I mean, who knows where she is. She could already be dead. That is, if she wasn’t taken to do stuff even worse than that to her. But anyways, how does that make you feel?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Sabre] “Yeah, right now some unknown menace could be having its way with her. Possibly sexually, possibly violently. Why, at this very moment the unknown assailant might be skinning her alive! So, do you feel like sushi for lunch? I’m in a sushi mood.”

Crazy56U: Dude, you suck at comforting children.



They remained silent "Not so good huh?" he exclaimed.



SC276: ...if Scootaloo was taken from her bed, Spike’s letter-sending is as far as we know instantaneous but is at least really quick even if the smoke has to physically go to its destination, Sabre is easy to track down since he’s of such a high position, and he got to the scene within an hour… unless she was kidnapped at the break of dawn, which is one of the stupidest times possible to commit a crime, it should be the middle of the night.

Crazy56U: Seriously... you suck.



The unicorn stepped up and said "Please bring Scootaloo back she's our best friend." She sniffled.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Sweetie Bell(e)]: “And only she knows where the drugs are hidden!”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie] “She also owes me, like, 10 bits…”



"Don't worry I will after all she's family, and I will do anything for family! ANY THING!" I exclaimed. Already thinking about how I'm gonna save Scoots."



SC276: You’re overselling, ya dip.

Scarlet: ANYTHING?

Crazy56U: Dude, don’t think about it, just do it! Seriously, why did the Author make this guy the most incompetent pony ever?

Bucephalus: Every second you spend trying to show how epic you are, another minute that Scootaloo is subjected to horrible torture.

Topher: This scene bores me. NEXT! *claps hands*

CaptainPipsqueak: But what would Swingandamiss do for a Klondike bar?



"Ow!" moaned Scootaloo as she noticed the pain in the back of her head.



Crazy56U: She got whiplash from the sudden, unexpected shift in narration…

Topher: ...I didn’t know I could do that.



Where was she? Panic gripped her as she felt the binds around her hooves. She was yelling "HELP HELP HELP ME!"



JofY: “I I I have a stuttering problem!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “My record-player’s busted!”

Crazy56U: Little did Scootaloo know that the binds being used were actually Twizzlers and she could’ve escaped 10 times over by now…

Bucephalus: Suddenly, she realized she was in a terrible fanfic.

Topher: And that’s when Pinkamena, Big Mac, and Cheerilee all came out with knives, in the gorefic to end all gorefics.



she yelled knowing well that she was kidnapped.



SC276: Um… duh?

CaptainPipsqueak: You need to remember that this is Scootaloo we’re talking about. Crazy56U: As opposed to being abandoned at IHOP like last time...

Topher: She originally thought she was at IHOP, but when nobody brought her any bacon, she realized something was up.



Chapter 2 I need a hoof



CaptainPipsqueak: You’ve got four!

SC276: Well at least the chapters are short… though it’ll probably help this fic’s badness as a bullet’s size helps it kill people.

Scarlet: Twelve small doses is still enough cyanide to be lethal.

Crazy56U: How’s about a fist instead? (punches the story)

Bucephalus: You do realize that you’re just making it worse for everyone involved? Just give up and suffer.

Crazy56U: (shakes hand in pain) Was that directed to me, I’m confused…

Topher: See, injuries like that are the reason I use guns. And knives. And bear traps. And grenades. And robot foxes.



Applebloom, Sweetiebell, and I decided to check around Ponyville for clues regarding the foal nappings.



SC276: You’re bringing two foals to investigate foalnappings. Why was this guy called again?

Scarlet: No, no, foal nappings. They’re tracking down the best place to take a nap.

Crazy56U: This amounted to the three of them walking around town with a bullhorn screaming “SCOOTALOO, WHERE ARE YOU?!”

CaptainPipsqueak: SCOOTALOO!

Bucephalus: I think our protagonist is Chaotic Stupid.

Topher: They also shook a bag of chicken feed in hope of luring her out. I’m not apologizing.

CaptainPipsqueak: Baked or fried?



"No I can't say I know to much about it." said one pony after another



JofY: Well, clearly every single pony saying the same rehearsed line, doesn’t mean anything.

Crazy56U: I mean, they story’s moving at such a breakneck pace, I doubt they even

know who they are anymore…

Topher: Or Ponyville is populated by NPCs.



until we found a young colt he looked rather bloodied and bruised if I might say.



Crazy56U: Okay then, tonal shift much…

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Yes you just might say so. That’s a definite probability. You might also comment on the weather or any such things.



"Oh my what happened to you, are you hurt?" I asked but he just muttered



SC276: That’s a bit of an obvious question, isn’t it?

Crazy56U: [Colt] “No, I’m just peachy, thanks for asking!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Colt] “Most of the blood isn’t mine; you should see the state of the other poor fuck.”



"Rrrrainbow..."



CaptainPipsqueak: ...connnnnnnectionnnnn.....

SC276: Of course, it’s Twilight Sparkle, because Reading Rainbow! ...Actually, given Twilight was mentioned as being absent in the last chapter, that would make for a more appropriate ending then who we know he’s talking about.

JofY: “R-royal raiiiiiinbow.”

Crazy56U: Oh God, Rainbow Bright is going on a rampage!



before blacking out I quickly got an ambulance and let the doctors handle it from here.



SC276: [Sabre] “See if you can also do something about all the tense changes. They’re starting to induce dementia in the readers.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I quite literally pulled the ambulance out of my ass, I don’t know how though…”

Bucephalus: What? Our protagonist has yet to get a PHD? Truly, the author must be slipping.



I still wondered who would hurt such a innocent foal like that and the word he muttered "rainbows"



Crazy56U: ...close, he said “rainbow”. Singular.

Topher: Meanwhile, in the doctor's office...



I wasn't sure what it meant but something clicked in the back of my mind but I couldn't put my hoof on it.



Scarlet: [Sabre] “Wait… that’s it! Butterfly in the sky! We can go twice as high!”

SC276: How can something click and you not know what it is? That isn’t how epiphanies work!

CaptainPipsqueak: Given how many things the author’s done wrong already, what’s one more thing?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I even went and asked Rainbow Dash is she knew what the colt meant by that. She promptly punched me in the jaw in fear and ran, so I guess she doesn’t know either.”

Bucephalus: That clicking, my friend, was a gun. Farewell.



"We're do yah think Scoots is, I'm scared.' said Applebloom.



Crazy56U: As you should be, Apple Bloom, given how you and Sweetie are now

apparently Scootaloo’s current location...



"Don't worry I'll find her but I'll need some helping hooves, ok."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Apple Bloom]: “OK!”

Crazy56U: “Sabre said, brandishing a knife.”



Sabre exclaimed. They nodded and we continued on. Taking a break round noon for a snack at Sugar CubeCorner were we thought about a plan.



SC276: [Sabre] “OK, now that we got rid of all the appropriate paragraph breaks, we can’t possibly be overheard.”

Crazy56U: I don’t know, Sabre. Were you thought out a plan?

Bucephalus: A were-we thought! At a full moon, their thoughts all combine to make a terrible story. Quick, grab the silver bullets.

Topher: *rummages in a pocket, pulls out a small box* I’ve only got enough to kill six, aim for the core concepts.



"Ok from what I've gathered the foals in question were all pegasus ponies and they were taken round midnight at the latest, and from what I've hearted that colt said were he got injured a place called "Rainbow Factory"



Scarlet: [Sabre] “And I’ve hearted many things over the years.”

JofY: Clearly this one foal I found has a connection to a conspiracy I just made up!

SC276: You’re in Ponyville and you draw connections to the Rainbow Factory and not Rainbow Dash?

Crazy56U: So, does this take place in the same continuity as "A Friendship Broken by Loyalty”, just curious…

Bucephalus: Rainbow Factory… I thought that we’d never have to return there. Oh dear.

CaptainPipsqueak: Continuity? Oh you poor deluded bugger...

Topher: Fanfiction follows the same rules of continuity as the Evil Dead movies, but with less Bruce Campbell.



I don't know why he would say that the place was safe



Crazy56U: Neither do I, since he quite literally never once said that. Are you just

bored with how the story is currently going and are trying to rewrite it as it goes?

Topher: Evil. Dead. Continuity.



as houses last time I checked" said Sabre. Now Sabre was one of the few unicorns who are able to walk on clouds due to magic.



Scarlet: ~Now you might consider yourself mighty hooky to get ‘round the gators and the quicksand beds/but in all these years that I’ve been here, ain’t nobody got past Red.~

SC276: Anypony with the right spell and the unicorn to cast it can walk on clouds. Why would that be innate with you? Your cutie mark even doesn’t have anything to do with it.

Crazy56U: After all, as Joe Quesada once said: “It’s magic, we don’t have to explain it.”

Bucephallus: I’m going to go watch The Force Awakens to drown my sorrows. Anyone want to join me?



"I've heard that name before." said Sweetie before falling down on the floor grabbing her head screaming to stop hurting me you pegasus jerks!



Scarlet: Sweetie, I know it hurts, but protesting like that won’t end the story any faster. I’ve checked.

JofY: [Sweetie] “ARGH! Not my unexplainable psychic powers!”

Crazy56U: (worried) Uh, guys, I think Sweetie’s having an aneurysm, someone call

the hospital…

Bucephalus: No. I reserved all the beds for us. We’re going to need them by the end of this travesty.



The fits continued for a little bit then stopped when she got up and said "What happened?" thus I told her of what happened. "I..I..I don't know how that happened I just know something happened there." she said.



Scarlet: [Sweetie] “See? It’s in the script.”

SC276: As if a million voices suddenly cried out in agony and were silenced.

CaptainPipsqueak: I thought there were only, like, five of us...

Crazy56U: [Sweetie] “Yeah, I’m psychic now, deal with it.”

Bucephalus: [God] “You should kill him.” A million kudos to you if you get that reference.



"First you should rest, after an fit like that it's a good idea." said Sabre. Sweetie nodded and I brought her home. Rarity was so upset at what had happened.



"Why how dreadful are you ok Sweetiebelle." said Rairity.



Scarlet: [Rairity] “I AM NOT DECOY ROBOT RARITY I AM REAL THING SWEETIEBELLE BEEP BOOP.”

Crazy56U” [Rarity] “(clearly drunk) No, I d-didn’t get into the wi- hic! wine again, why you a-a-ask?”

CaptainPipsqueak: One of these days, Sweetie Belle will see a doctor about getting a space inserted into her name. She just needs to save up enough bits.



"Sweetie just needs rest" I told her. I led her inside the boutique to her room and went back to Sugar Cube Corner.



Scarlet: Because saving Scootaloo from the place you just got a lead on can wait until after you finish your munchies. Our hero!

SC276: So, you left Apple Bloom unsupervised? I suppose you determined that only pegasus foals were at risk, but still, not letting her make sure her friend is getting some rest is a dick move.

Crazy56U: Uh, are we sure that Sweetie Bell isn’t dead now?

Bucephalus: Occam’s razor. We’ll have to live without it till the end of this, Crazy. I’m sorry.

CapainPipsqueak: You know, Occam’s gonna be absolutely pissed when he needs to shave and he learns we cribbed his razor. Why do we have the damn thing, anyway?

Bucephalus: According to Occam’s Razor, we’re kleptos.

Topher: *bowing before a razor in a display case* OH, MIGHTY RAZOR, TELL US MORE TRUTHS!



Chapter 3 Scootaloo's prison



Scootaloo could hear the faint hum of machinery as she was awoken.



Scarlet: For the second time now?

JofY: Yeah, it’s likely been weeks since Scootaloo has been kidnapped. That’s what all the tense changes were for, right?

SC276: ~Now she’s awoken and she’s taking back control…~

Crazy56U: SHE’S IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!

Bucephalus: Time for your root canal!



Her head hurt she was bruised and in pain, most importantly scared.



SC276: Yes, her being scared is more important than the actual injuries.

Crazy56U: Her head was scared, the rest of her body was annoyed.

Bucephalus: Guys, I’ve lost an artery. But, more importantly, I think this story is crap.



"No I have to stay calm, cool, and collected now how do I get out?" said Scootaloo in hushed rapid tones.



SC276: Well that was fast.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Yes, what do you think, voices in my head?”

[Voices] “rainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdashrainbowdash”

[Scootaloo] “Aw, come on, that’s your answer to everything.”

Topher: Scootaloo has issues, doesn’t she?



She looked around and she saw the first of many horrors to come.



Scarlet: The line to get into the theater for the new Star Wars movie!

JofY: Why are there so many Jar-Jar Binks cosplayers!?

CaptainPipsqueak: Immense self-hatred?

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “There’s more story?!?!”

Bucephalus: But no Darth Jar Jar?

CaptainPipsqueak: I said ‘self-hatred’, not ‘cleverness.’



A headless colt lying on the ground with all the color basically sucked out of him or her she couldn't tell from this angle,



SC276: Yeah, uh, for the sake of my own sanity, I’m just going to pretend the author’s attempting a ripoff of Rainbow Factory instead of anything resembling in continuity with it.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Oh my gosh, that pony’s been Godfather-ed!”

Bucephalus: Um… Color draining? Wasn’t that an episode of Gen 2 or something? Or a Care Bears movie? Is the other really that cheap?



but she knew she might join the foal when a knife pierced her flank and she saw the eyes of a psychopath it was her hero Rainbowdash!



Scarlet: [Rainbowdash] “I AM NOT CYBORG IMPERSONATOR I AM REAL RAINBOW DASH WHIIIIIR CLANK.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “(repeatedly jabbing Scootaloo with the knife) Jabity, jabity, jab jab jab!”

Bucephalus: Then, her other hero, Rainbow Dash, came and beat the snot out of Rainbowdash.

Topher: THIS SCENE BORES ME! *claps hands*



"Hey Applebloom what's got you troubled other than the obvious?" asked Sabre.



Scarlet: I take it the author hasn’t ever heard of the concept of “line breaks”.

SC276: Aaaaaand there’s the whiplash. It hurts.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pft. I had whiplash before it was cool.

Fallen Prime: Hipster whiplash? Hiplash?

Crazy56U: And thus the true cause for Random Pony’s decapitation is revealed: he was whiplashed to death.



"I'm just worried Scoots is gone, and now Sweetie I think she lost it." said Applebloom.



JofY: “Sweetie bell is always losing Scootaloo. I mean, can’t she just know where she left her, for like five minutes!?”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I mean, one of my friends was ponynapped, and the other

went mental, overall this is a pretty lackluster Tuesday all things considered…”



She glanced around the unusually quiet sweets shop



Crazy56U: Fun Fact: I accidentally misread that as “sweat shop” and got concerned...

Topher: In a rare double whammy, Rainbow Factory and Pony.mov are both canon here.



like she was worried about some one sneaking around to get her.



Crazy56U: Well, Rainbow’s busy murdering Scootaloo in the other scene, honey, I

think you’ll be fine...



Now that's just what I thought she quickly looked back to the table knowing that I was looking at her.



Scarlet: And she looked at you. And you looked at her. And we get it, we know how the joke works by this point!

Crazy56U: [Saber] “I like pulling double duty as character and narrator! It makes me feel like I’m not completely useless!”



"You okay Applebloom?" I asked. But she only remained quiet. "Well she's gonna be fine Scoots and Sweetie alike."



Crazy56U: Scootaloo and Sweetie are the same pony? What?!

Bucephalus: They melted, then got fused with DETERMINATION!



I said hoping to cheer her up. But to no avail.



SC276: Yeah, given Scootaloo’s actually been stabbed by now… that or the author has no idea what “pierce” means…

Crazy56U: Again: you suck at comforting children, dude...



"Why hello there." said a blue pegasus that I recognized as.



Scarlet: Soarin’? Windchaser? Cloudy Skies? Indigo Zap?

Crazy56U: Sonic in pony form!



"RainbowDash." I said to say hello to the captain of the weather team.



Scarlet: Oh I see, Rainbow is apparently in two places at once. Well my riff about the cyborg impersonator was dead on.

SC276: [Sabre] “Dinkleberg…”

Crazy56U: Fuck, I forgot to factor in the possibility that Rainbow could teleport, RUN APPLE BLOOM!

Bucephalus: If she can teleport, doesn’t that make running futile?

Topher: OH SHIT HE’S RIGHT!



We met a few months back at the wedding of Shining and Cadence.



Crazy56U: Huh. ...so, technically, this is a Canterlot Wedding fic...



Why if it wasn't for her and her friends I would be dead now. I know I said I took on twenty changelings by myself well number twenty one kinda got me off guard.



Crazy56U: Holy fuck, so my “they ganged up on him” joke is canon?!

Bucephalus: No. They came at him one on one, then the last one snuck up from behind.



I'd be dead if Rainbow Dash hadn't kicked it of me.



Scarlet: Wait wait wait. Did an OC just acknowledge a canon character’s contributions as being helpful, necessary, and overall important? what strange land of madness is this?

SC276: You were anywhere near where the Mane 6 fought against the changelings?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, this is some goofy shit we’re seeing here.

Crazy56U: GGGGGGGGOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!



"Why hello there mister second in command." She said in a sarcastic tone. "I heard you were looking for Scootaloo, I've come to help out, wouldn't be the element of loyalty if I didn't." she said.



Scarlet: So let’s take bets on whether she’s going to backstab him or there really is a cyborg evil Rainbow Dash in this!

JofY: Is she still being sarcastic?

SC276: I know we are.

Captainipsqueak: We haven’t stopped yet.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow pulled out said Element and proceeded to shank him with it.



I was glad to hear that more ponies were here to help. "Thank you miss I guess I owe you another favor then?" I said rubbing the back of my head.



"Don't worry about it looking for Scootaloo is enough for my help in Canterlot." She said.



Scarlet: Wouldn’t be the Element of Loyalty if she didn’t expect repayment for her previous good deeds.

SC276: Plus his 80% interest, compounded daily…

CaptainPipsqueak: And that’s why Rainbow’s my favorite.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “...so, that’s a yes, then?”

[Rainbow Dash] “Oh, hell yes.”



"Thank you." quietly said Applebloom or Applegloom (sorry for the bad pun).



JofY: (fires a gun)

CaptainPipsqueak: No you’re not, you lying fuck.

Crazy56U: (nose begins bleeding)

Topher: Ok, lesson time. If you’re trying to be dark, don’t write puns.



But seriously I've never seen her with such little spirit, she worried me.



SC276: If she worries you so much, why you joking in the first place?!

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s a coping mechanism.

Crazy56U: Wait, so someone stole Apple Bloom’s soul?



"I'll look around Cloudsdale for her if you need me give me a shout." said Rainbow Dash as she dashed away.



Scarlet: Aaaah, I see. She’s Rainbow Dash, imposter’s Rainbowdash… no that doesn’t work, Sabre greeted her as Rainbowdash. So maybe- aha, that’s it! The author is just terrible!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “BRB, gonna kill Scootaloo!”

[Sabre] “Wha-”

[Rainbow Dash] “NOTHING!”



Chapter 4 not a single soul gets through.



Scarlet: The rejected slogan for humanity pitching the “trap ‘em all in a giant barrier” plan to deal with the monsters in Undertale.

SC276: [human] “How were we supposed to know they were capable of getting out by working together?!”

Crazy56U: (buzz) What is “Dark Souls”?



Two hours later. "What do you even need me for!" yelled Scootaloo.



Crazy56U: Poor dear, she’s questioning why she’s still in the story…

CaptainPipsqueak: Sounds like the right thing to do, if you ask me.



She directed her question at Rainbow Dash as she opened the door. Already scared by the dark, cold, blood stained room with corpses all over the room.



Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “Marketing! I need a cute sidekick character or my upcoming movie won’t reach out to the young foal demographic!”

JofY: [Scootaloo] “You monster!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Wasn’t she RainbowDash just a few paragraphs back?

SC276: (slams head against the wall) I know I said I wouldn’t consider this Rainbow Factory, but the device is a fucking GRINDER!

Crazy56U: Here, friend, maybe this will make you happy.



"How do you not remember I know it was months ago, but how do you not remember?"



Crazy56U: That is a fucking paradox.



said an obviously annoyed Rainbow Dash.



Scarlet: [Scootaloo] “Look, my brain deletes offensively stupid information. It’s a survival mechanism.”

Crazy56U: Uh, Narrator, that line came off more as her being confused more than anything else...



"But if I must explain,



SC276: Oh god, no, I don’t want more exposition.

Crazy56U: Which means you’re about to ramble incoherently.



here at the rainbow factory we create the rainbows for all of Equestria after an incident our princess was unable to do so,



Crazy56U: There is a very easy and very horrible joke one can make here...



as such she came to the pegusi for help, and so we made a factory to create rainbows but we kept one thing secret from the princess." said Rainbow Dash.



Scarlet: And that secret thing is that these rainbows are sugar-free and made entirely from artificial sweetener.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Scootaloo]: “You...monster.”

Crazy56U: Also, apparently this doesn’t share “A Friendship Broken by Loyalty”’s continuity… ...is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

CaptainPipsqueak: And if she went to the pegusi for help, how does this involve Rainbow Dash? She’s not a pegusus.



"And what's that?" asked Scootaloo regretting asking that.



Scarlet: Meta-Scootaloo begins to tire of this bullshit.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Let me guess, you grind up ponies into rainbo-”

[Rainbow Dash] “God damn it, Scootaloo, you spoiled the big reveal!”



"We needed foals to create them there colorful spirits were capable of being turned into a liquid state and released into the air to make rainbows, and now you know." she answered.



Scarlet: What a completely wasteful use of perfectly decent blood magic components!

SC276: I swear, no one who’s written a Rainbow Factory fic has ever actually read Rainbow Factory.

Crazy56U: And knowing is half the meme.

CaptainPipsqueak: Big deal; the other half is gunplay and explosions. Which would you rather have?



"NO NO NO!" screamed Scootaloo now fearful for her life.



JofY: She wasn’t before? What did she think was going to happen?

Crazy56U: [Scootloo] “I WAS TOLD WE WEREN’T RIPPING OFF THAT STORY! OH

GOD NO!”



Her mind was a flurry of fear as she struggled against her bonds to no avail.



SC276: Oh, right, she’s tied up. Augh…

Crazy56U: Sean Connery, stop holding Scootaloo captive!



Back at Ponyville I Celestial Sabre



SC276: I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS…

Crazy56U: Ponyville I? ...there’s more than one Ponyville now?

CaptainPipsqueak: Sure. Ever since the parasprite thing, they keep spares.



was stumped.



Crazy56U: So, par for the course?



"Why can't I find anything I've searched every corner of Ponyville, and the foalnapper couldn't of escaped as soon as the disappearances started pegusi, and unicorns haven't let any pony leave or enter the town so now were?" I said to myself.



Scarlet: [Colt from Earlier] “Seriously I nearly died to give you that fucking rainbows clue, dickweed.”

Crazy56U: Oh sure, now he can say a shit-ton of words without getting winded...



"Hello there can I talk to you? " asked a purple unicorn that I also knew.



"Why Twilight Sparkle how goes you?" I asked.



Scarlet: Didn’t you just say she was unavailable because of the reason?

SC276: Plus no one’s left or entered the town!

Crazy56U: ...maybe she was getting drunk and didn’t want to be disturbed?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m pretty sure we all envy her if that’s the case.



"Oh fine but I heard about Scootaloo and came to help in any way I can." said Twilight.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I was taking my sweet ass time to do so, of course, because I

needed to get shitfaced before taking part in this tripe. As ya do.”



Glad for the extra help I accepted her help. "Then let's get to work!" she said with an adventurous glint in her eyes.



Scarlet: Wait wait wait. A canon character went out of her way to drop her obligations and make sure that the OC in question has back-up for what might be a dangerous mission? I don’t even know what to make of this!

SC276: I dunno, a canon character going out of her way to drop her obligations for the OC seems like a normal thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: Even for a dipfuck like this?

Crazy56U: Yeah, uh huh, “adventurous glint”. Look, Author, you aren’t changing my mind: Twilight is plastered, and that’s all there is to it.



"Aaaah stop stop please stop!" yelled Scootaloo as her captor just played with her slowly cutting into her flesh with her knife. But she didn't stop.



SC276: Just like the author!

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Seriously, stop, you’re doing this wrong! Aren’t I supposed to be in some kind of grinder or some-”

[Rainbow Dash] “I SAID SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!”



Trying to reason with the psycho pony was out of the window she tried to threaten her. "If you kill me I'll haunt you for the rest of your life!" she said.



Scarlet: They all say that. At most about three percent actually end up doing it.

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Seriously, I’m gonna go all Poltergeist on your flank!”

CaptainPipsqueak: The original or the shitty remake?

Crazy56U: Yes.



"Oh, but you see I can leave but as for you not a single soul gets through!" Rainbow Dash laughed.



JofY: See! Even Rainbow Dash thinks the dialogue is hilariously bad!

SC276: [author] “Let’s see, how can I really connect this generic murder!Dash fic to Rainbow Factory so I can leech off its long-since-peaked success…? Oh, I know, I’ll quote the song with no attempt to make the narrative flow with it! Perfect!”

Crazy56U: Oh, fuck, Rainbow doesn’t believe in ghosts...



Terrified Scootaloo could only sit there terrified for death, then she screamed "HELP ME!"



Scarlet: Well, good luck with that Scootaloo. At this rate Sabre will be here just in time to pick up your remains.

Crazy56U: Hopefully, she’ll be able to burst Rainbow’s ear drums with her screams...



Chapter 5 We find the trail



Crazy56U: (pulls out a copy of “Oregon Trail”) We sure do!



Applebloom was just leaving Sweet Apple Acres to check if her friend Sweetiebell was okay when she saw something flutter down in front of her. "Now what in tarnation could that be?" she exclaimed before picking the item up to examine it. "It looks like a mask but who's mask is it?"



Scarlet: Zorro, no!

SC276: Zorro, yes!

Crazy56U: Zorro, maybe!



she said as she decided to give this to Sabre in case he knew anything about it cause it looked mighty similar to something she'd seen before, but she couldn't put her hoof on it. Shrugging she trotted off into town.



Scarlet: [Applejack] “Eh, consarn it, story ain’t gettin’ any closer to bein’ finished if I don’t get up and do something about it.”

Crazy56U: (confused) W-wait, I-I thought it was Apple Bloom we were following?

SC276: If you’re telling me that Rainbow dropped her mask flying over the Acres, I question why she would even have it, or at least not have it in a secure container where no one would be able to fucking see it.



While flying up to the factory a strong wind current came and slammed into RainbowDash as she was sifting through her sattlebags knocking her mask out of her grasp. "Oh horse shoes!" she exclaimed. She really should of gone after it but she wasn't going to be late for work over one mask. She closed her bags and dashed through the clear blue.



Scarlet: Wait what’s going on here? Why are we flashing back? Did AJ find the mask before or after Rainbow begins menacing Scootaloo? Time is warped and space is bendable!

Crazy56U: You’re telling me! Apparently, Apple Bloom turned into Applejack mid-story!

CaptainPipsqueak: So puberty and a body-swap? Ouch.

SC276: And if we’re in first-person Sabre-cam, why are we getting any of this?!



Sabre was talking to Cheerilee trying to calm her, she was so worried about Scootaloo that she was hardly able to function.



SC276: Or maybe we’re not in first-person MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bottle of “Clamato”) Here, sounds like you need a drink...

SC276: Save it for next week.

Topher: *pulls out a can of gasoline* Fine, Let’s drink this. *Starts chugging*



Seeing her like that told me if I didn't find her soon she would cease to function at all. Twilight came back with three cups of tea.



Scarlet: I’m just going to play this recording of Scootaloo’s terrified screams through every single one of the following scene of our heroes failing to follow up on the lead Sabre even connected to the factory. And not to Rainbow Dash, shockingly.

Crazy56U: Yes, tea will save Scootaloo! Good job, Twilight! (takes a swig of “Clamato”)

CapptainPipsqueak: Anyone wanna pizza? I feel like a pizza. Anyone wanna pizza?

Topher: I could go for a pizza. Should we pay cash, credit, or can I just shoot the pizza guy?



She sat them on the table and sat down relaying the evidence. "And then you heard that colt saw "Rainbow Factory" right?". I nodded yes,



Crazy56U: Except no. Again, all the colt said, said not saw, was “Rainbow”. ...granted,

that is what he was trying to say, but how in the FUCK did you realize that he was

trying to say that?!



and she continued. "Doesn't Rainbow Dash run that place now, and should we go up to check it out I've got a spell that could let us walk on clouds." she said.



Scarlet: So far, things Sabre has solved- zero. Things Twilight and the mane six have started to solve- all of them. Why is he even here?

SC276: Call him Ishmael, maybe?

Crazy56U: He’s here because he’s pulling double duty as the Load, obviously.

CaptainPipsqueak: On the bright side, at least he hasn’t fucked any of them, either.

Topher: Give it time.



"As do I, but what does the Rainbow Factory have to do with the foalnappings?" I asked.



SC276: How about the beat-up foal talking about it apparently.

Crazy56U: Okay, Sabre, I know you have the brainpower of a grapefruit, but if you think really hard, you can put it together... You can do it honey, I believe in you...



"I don't know but we should check just to be sure." she said as an anxious yellow filly came in panting.



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Look. It’s a Rainbow Factory spin-off. You know it, I know it. We’d both be happier if it weren’t, but that’s the hand we got dealt and we’re playing it to the end.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Oh thank God I found you guys, I got lost due to all the sudden scene changes!”



"Mister Sabre I think you should see this." she said between pants, and as I took it Cheerilee let out a small yelp.



"The foal napper was wearing that mask!" she said before remembering Scootaloo and going quiet yet again.



Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “Admittedly I’m not sure what good they thought a domino mask was going to do given it couldn’t possibly hide a distinct, seven-colored mane, but you know.”

Crazy56U: As it happens, Rainbow just got done robbing a bank prior to taking Scootaloo...



"Well I say we give the factory a visit." I said seeing the rainbow colored hair in the top of the mask



Scarlet: Celestial Sabre- ace detective. Only took you this long to decide to follow up on your leads.

SC276: Get on with it!

Crazy56U: Also, I’d recommend washing that mask if you plan to keep touching it; given what Rainbow’s been doing, I doubt that that’s clean...



"PLEASE LET ME GO!" Scootaloo yelled as Rainbow Dash "softened her up" so the machine wouldn't get clogged.



JofY: So, she forced Scootaloo to take a bath?

Crazy56U: No, she poured fabric softener all over her.



She was covered in cuts, gashes, and bruises now and one of her eyes swollen shut. She just wanted to go home.



Scarlet: Take us with you!

Crazy56U: Or, better option, a better story. ...or a hospital...





But if I do that I could be killed, arrested, or both why I can't let that happen no hard feelings."



SC276: I just checked the original fic, and yes, this giant mass of spaces here is actually there.

Crazy56U: Okay, thank you for checking that, I thought something happened when this got dumped into Google Docs… That, or Scarlet did something to it…

CaptainPipsqueak: I think that could have only helped.



she said extending her hoof then realizing the foal was bound she just picked up a knife and slashed.



Scarlet: Come to think of it, where the hell is Rainbow holding that knife? Her wings? Her mouth? A specialized device for wielding knives?

JofY: Granted, Scootaloo missed… BECAUSE SHE CAN’T MOVE IN HER STATE!

Crazy56U: ...the bonds? Did she slash the bonds?



"We're almost there" said Twilight as we descended onto Cloudsdale.



Crazy56U: ...you can’t descend into the sky...



The city was a beautiful assortment of buildings made of pure white clouds, pegusi flying all over the place,



SC276: Gee, author, thanks for assuming the people on the MLP fanfic website haven’t seen the show!

Crazy56U: Oh, so that’s why it’s named Cloudsdale! I thought it was because it was made out of dreams!



but what cought my eye was the cloud sending rainbows into the blue sky.



Scarlet: That cought my eye too. And it won’t let go. I had to replace it.

SC276: “Cought” sounds Transylvanian or something.

CaptainPipsqueak: How would you pronounce that? ‘Kawft’?

Crazy56U: That cloud is puking up rainbows? ...huh, guess it’s a homosexual...



"Now let's get to the factory!" I said before landing on the factories balcony. They were greeted buy two pegusi in lab coats



SC276: Only if I can sell these five unicorns in bell-rimmed wizard hats.

Crazy56U: God DAMN it, would you fuck off with the ads, Author, this is why I have Adblock!



who beckoned for them to stop.



"Halt the Rainbow Factory is off limits please go back!" shouted the pegasus standing next to the balloon his name tag read "Tyler".



Scarlet: ...jeez, that pony’s parents must have hated him. That’s the Equestrian equivalent of naming someone “Starchild”.

Crazy56U: Hey, at least they didn’t name him “Sunpraiser”...



"Now that would be lovely, but RUN!" I yelled and Twilight and a jumped out running twords the factory.



JofY: Congratulations! You have successfully run into a door!

Scarlet: They missed and plummeted to the ground below. Twilight had prepared a feather fall spell. Sabre was not so lucky.

SC276: That actually worked. That was literally as stupid as telling them to hold their breath because of a gas leak and waiting for them to pass out.

Crazy56U: Wow. The only way that could’ve been stupider is if he pointed and shouted “I’m over there!”

Topher: *looks off to the side* where?



Chapter 6 The Confrontation



Crazy56U: Which should’ve happened, hmm, let’s be reasonable here... ...five chapters ago…

Topher: *bursts into song* Rainbow, at last, we see each other plain, Madame L’mayor, you’ll wear a different chain.



As we raced through the factory the employees chased us until we came upon a large steel door.



Crazy56U: Oh crap, a door. His greatest weakness!

CaptainPipsqeak: “Do I push it? Do I pull it? I’M SO CONFUSED!”



It was our only way through!



Crazy56U: ...as it should, because that’s how doors work!



So my horn blazed with my familiar purplish pink magic, and I morphed it into a sort of battering ram and bashed my way through.



Scarlet: *munches popcorn* Okay, magic fight. I can get behind this.

SC276: He beats out the door instead of just pulling open the sides because *waves arms everywhere*

Crazy56U: Or, failing that, he could’ve just blasted the door away. (steals some of Scarlet’s popcorn)

Topher: *sporting 3D glasses* GET TO THE FIGHT!



What we saw we couldn't bear.



JofY: No! Not the innocent bear!

Crazy56U: What’s the Author’s problem with “We Bare Bears”? Seriously...



Filly's and colts being tossed into a type of grinder, and on the other side a batch of rainbows came out!



Scarlet: Behold! The true origins of the Reading Rainbow! *evil cackle*

SC276: OK, if it is a grinder, why were there identifiable color-drained corpses before?

Crazy56U: Well, duh, how else do you think they power the grinder here?



Horrified Twilight Sparkle threw up all over the floor.



JofY: Normal Twilight Sparkle got thrown up on.

Crazy56U: But what about Apathetic Twilight Sparkle?



"I can't belive this,



SC276: I can’t “belive” your spelling.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “How am I walking on air?!”



in all my days I've arrested countless criminals, seen countless deaths but none disgusted me as much as this it it sickens me." I said disgusted.



Scarlet: I see our protagonist has had his ‘I can never forgive you’ moment. Anime levels in this room, increasing.

Crazy56U: [Narrator/Author] “Oh, BTW, Twilight’s also a part-time cop, just FYI.”



"I I I just need a minute you go ahead, don't worry I'll be fine just GO" she told me.



SC276: Eh, to get over this atrocious writing, you’ll need at least a week.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “‘K. (leaves the story)”

THE END



I bowed, turned twords the door on the other side and ran.



Scarlet: Towards. towards. Spell check!

Crazy56U: (scoff) That voodoo? Please...



BANG BANG



Scarlet: ~into your room-~

SC276: ~-Maxwell’s silver hammer came down upon his head...~

Crazy56U: Oh my god, he shot her down!



the sounds of Sabre's break in could be heard all the way through the factory. Completely mystified by what could have made that ruckus. "Well the janitors can clean up the mess I have work to do!" said the blue mare.



Scarlet: Who, Cloud Kicker?

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, Rainbow, the custodial staff have feelings too!



"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into eh Dashie!" said Scootaloo smugly.



Scarlet: Oh, just say her goddamn name next time.

SC276: Has everyone else stopped giving a damn?

Crazy56U: Big talk coming from someone who should be dead by now...



"And what might that be hm I'd say our workers can handle what ever that was." she said right as the door shattered into pieces and an armored brown unicorn walked in a face full of rage.



Scarlet: 6/10 on the comic timing there. Decent effort, though!

Crazy56U: Huh. Sabre’s part Kool Aid Man...



"LET HER GO RAINBOW DASH OR ELSE!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I activated my horn turning my magic into the shape of a long sword.



Scarlet: ...actually, y’know, I kind of find this cute. He’s not the strongest mage of all time, he just uses his magic like a Green Lantern ring and forms energy constructs instead of casting more traditional spells. I mean this is gonna get messed up in five minutes, but credit where it’s due, I will take an OC with a specific and defined skill set over a red and black alicorn who is Twilight’s secret lover any day. I really don’t hate you yet, Sabre. Don’t get used to that, we have two fics to go.

SC276: Given how difficult it was for him to trace the foalnappings to the factory, perhaps we should be glad his imagination is limited.

Crazy56U: Okay, but real talk here: why can’t he just magic up a gun and shoot Rainbow right here and now?

JofY: That would be cheating.



"Now that was fast



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I should know I am fast you know.”



I guess you've ran out of patience, and I can't blame you



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I would want to get out of this stupid story too I mean

seriously we’re ripping off Rainbow Factory what’s up with that?”



I mean she's nearly dead your probobly exhausted and I'm just peachy."



SC276: That was like three sentences.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “And now we shall fight to the death and I shall kill you to death isn’t talking with run-on sentences and no punctuation so fun I think it is fun isn’t it fun I shall kill you now.”



said Rainbow Dash with a glint of challenge in her eyes as she picked up a knife longer than the rest.



Scarlet: with what

JofY: This knife was 6 cm instead of 5 cm!

Crazy56U: Oh God, she pulled that out of her ass!



I sent my magic blade flying and cleaved the knife into.



SC276: It’s a magic sword, author, not a katana.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Fuck, that’s what I get for buying knives from the Dollar General…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Into what? Julienne fries? Coleslaw? Garnish art? TELL MEEEEE!



Startled she jumped straight up, and hit the roof "owwww what the hay that was uncalled for!" she yelled.



Scarlet: Fight dialogue… you lost it. You had it. And you lost it.

JofY: “I mean, it’s like I kidnap children or something!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, how dare Sabre have no part in you literally jumping up to the ceiling and hitting your head, you STUPID DUMB HORSE.



"No your uncalled for you b#%4*



JofY: You bnumberpercentfourastrisk!

CaptainPipsqueak: I wonder what that would even sound like. Anyone want to fund a study?

SC276: No, you!

Crazy56U: Oh, come on, you’re ripping off “Rainbow Factory” and have shown

corpses and torture. You are fucking allow to fucking swear, you fucking fuckity fuck!



I'm not even begun to take out my rage on you." I yelled at her. I again lit up my horn making a spear this time, and lunged.



Crazy56U: Gun! Make a gun! Shoot her! Shoot! GUN! GUN!

JofY: *shoots Crazy56U* ...is that what you wanted?

Crazy56U: (rubs head in pain) No, but thank you, I needed that…

Topher: Would shooting you again help?



She dodged grabbed a hatchet and swung I blocked it, and through my spear at her she smacked it away with her hatchet.



Scarlet: I see that Rainbow Dash is wielding the holy weapons of the goddess of yandere.

SC276: Hold on, lemme look up the trope pantheon… The goddess of yandere is apparently Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki / Future Diary, and she apparently has an axe, so… right on the money there, Scar.

Crazy56U: You see, Sabre? That could’ve been avoided if you would just shoot her with the gun that YOU CAN EASILY MAKE!

JofY: Okay, I’m going to actually have to sightly argue that he may not be able to do it.

Crazy56U: ...if he can sword and spear, HE CAN GUN.

JofY: Can he also bullet? What about gunpowder? Furthermore, he may not even know what a gun is. It’s not like gu-

Crazy56U: (legitimately angry) STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY THIS BEING

DRAGGED ON LONGER!

JofY: ...sorry. It’s just my job.

CaptainPipsqueak: And anyway, the real question is “Can he shot web?”

Topher: Even if he can’t gun, he can at least make something like Yondu’s arrow in Guardians of the Galaxy.



"I can't keep this up all day, I've got to get Scoots." I mumbled but when I turned Twilight was running with Scootaloo on her back.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Oh, right, you’re in this story!”



Now I could drop this place for good!



Scarlet: [John Freeman] “Time for me to live up to my family name and experience FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!”

SC276: Unless he colony drops the factory, and somehow not the rest of Cloudsdale, I’m going to be disappointed.

Crazy56U: Yes, drop it like a bad habit. Like smoking or playing “Candy Crush”...



Twilight and Scootaloo were already in the balloon hovering below the factory while tending to Scootaloo's wounds.



SC276: Ohh, a balloon’s involved now.

Crazy56U: Well, honestly, at this point, given just how much has been pulled out of the characters’ asses, are you really surprised?



"She really did a number on you didn't she?" asked Twilight.



"A number and then some."



JofY: [Saber] “She forced it so that seven eight nine.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “It was like… eight numbers…”

Topher: Scootaloo was nearly eighty-sixed!



replyed Scootaloo dryly. Then they herd the bang!



Scarlet: ~bang into your room, I know you need it!~

SC276: ~bang Maxwell’s silver hammer make sure that he was dead!~

Crazy56U: Oh, yay, the world’s ending!



Chapter 7 I take my revenge



The fight could've gone either way, but to let you know what happened.



SC276: Only if you can do it without breaking the narrative flow. Again.

Crazy56U: FUCK YOU.



During the fight we clashed magic on steel, she held her ground and got a couple of slashes on me one of them putting a gash in my muzzle causing me to reel back.



Scarlet: “I had to take a penalty to my action on the next turn to recover from Reeling.”

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, Rainbow! The jugular! You need to aim for the jugular! Not the muzzle!



Feeling lucky she came in for the kill and I swung my magic axe I sliced her left wing off. "GAH WHAT DID YOU DO!" She yelled.



Scarlet: Pulled a Cupcakes, apparently.

SC276: He chopped your wing off. Pay attention already.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “My wing is missing, I’m in pain, and you chopped it off with an axe! What did you do?!?!”



"Just evened the score." I said as blood flowed from the stump were her wing used to be. "Now the world will be safe."



JofY: Because all of crime started with that one wing!

SC276: Yeah, when did this get out? Pretty sure hacking a wing off ain’t gonna stop Glimmer.

Crazy56U: No, see, it makes sense: she caused others pain, so he caused her pain. It’s like poetry… It rhymes...



I told her already conjouring a new blade.



Scarlet: [John Freeman] “Time for you to die, evil boss.”

Crazy56U: No, I’m not going to bring it up again, I legitimately think doing so will cause me to have a stroke...



"Oh no you don't." she said tackling me and hitting the lever that activates the device turning it off pistons, gears, and bloodstained blades stopped working at once. "No!"



JofY: “You bastard! Do you know how much you’ve damaged our profits by!?”

SC276: So let me get this straight: she tackled him into the machine’s off switch? Which he had never indicated he was standing near?

Crazy56U: Wait, are you still inside the building, I thought you were all outside?



she said quickly trying to reactivate the device only to feel a sharp pain in her side. "Gah!" she yelped as she fell to the floor helpless I raised my horn and brought it don on her neck in the form of an axe.



Scarlet: Hassan chop!

Crazy56U: Nice of Sabre to help Rainbow get ahead in life. I just gotta axe if that was necessary, given the headaches Rainbow’s gonna deal with now...



"I'm sorry old friend, but it had to be done." I said to her severed head blood pouring on the floor pegusi running around frantically trying to escape.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Alas, poor Rainbow… I knew her, Audience…”



"You would understand RD, but it seems my favors cannot be delivered sorry bout that." I said sending a bolt of energy into the device causing it to overload, and well you know. (BOOM)



Scarlet: Rainbow-colored mushroom cloud. Pretty…

JofY: Killing all the fillies nearby. Good job, Saber. Good job.

SC276: ~Yeah, I’ve done it before / and I can do it some more / I’ve got my eye on the score / I’m gonna cut to the core / It’s too late, it’s too soon / or is it? Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick BOOM~

Crazy56U: Boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon...



"AAAAHHHH!" Sabre screamed as he fell towards Twilights balloon waiting for the demise that never came



SC276: Much to our chagrin.

Crazy56U: Because gravity decided to stop working just to spite us.



as his friend Twilight Sparkle was already in action. She caught him with magic.



Scarlet: Celestial Sabre was caught! Would you like to give a nickname to your new Celestial Sabre?

Crazy56U: (typing) “Smeghead”



"Now what would you do without me I ask why you would be dead that's what." she said,



SC276: Just keep running running, and running running…

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I AM THE ARBITER OF WHO SHALL LIVE OR DIE!”



but I didn't respond instead I ran to Scootaloo's side examining her wounds that weren't bound already.



SC276: So did anyone untie her any any point, or…?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Annnd… yep, she’s dead. Probably should’ve gotten here faster…”



"Mister Sabre you saved me I I I don't know what she would've done to me if you two wouldn't of come along I was so scared."



SC276: I’m pretty sure you saw the giant grinder and the color-drained corpses, so you know exactly what she would’ve done to you.

Crazy56U: ...did Scootaloo block out her torment, is that what’s being implied here?



Scootaloo said before passing out of exhaustion.



Scarlet: And you get an exhaustion, and you get an exhaustion and all of us get exhaustion!

SC276: Lord knows I’m feeling exhausted…

Crazy56U: Well, that and bloss loss...



When we arrived back at Ponyville we were greeted by all, and even a now spirit packed Sweetiebell and Applebloom who greeted their wounded friend with open arms.



SC276: They were so distraught over Scootaloo’s foalnapping that they got wasted?

Crazy56U: Well, to be fair, I’m pretty sure it was more because they were in this fic.



As for me Cheerilee couldn't have been happier to see us her mane was done, her face in a smile.



Scarlet: Cheerilee had time to look up her stylist while they were fighting in the clouds, I guess.

Crazy56U: After Sabre and Twilight left, she immediately stopped caring and went to the salon.



Then a pink pony with an even bigger smile showed up now that I think about it she seemed to have came out of the air in front of me I recognized her as Pinkie pie the pony that defies physics and breaks the so called fourth wall as she said once.



SC276: Well about time you showed up.

Scarlet: *clicks shotgun* Don’t you dare.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a sharp stick) Go away, Pinkie…

Topher: *starts boarding up the fourth wall*



But I saw a strange look in her eyes, and oddly she came over and asked this "Want to make cupcakes with me!" I shrugged and agreed. She smiled and trotted off.



Scarlet: Oh Christ. Is this going to be ‘Celestial Sabre fights everyone’s creepypasta form’? Are the next two fics going to be Cupcakes and The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle? Because I can actually get behind that.

SC276: Never heard of that last one. Would probably be less painful to read than this.

Crazy56U: Spoilers: No. It would in fact be the opposite of that.

CaptainPipsqueak: But do it anyway. G’wan.



That's all for this case I guess see you later.



Crazy56U: Don’t you mock us.



TheEnd



JofY: Well, that was short.

RingmasterJ5: And now, “The New Bearer”.

JofY: Fuck.

SC276: Right, the thing we actually voted for.

Crazy56U: (deadest of deadpans) Jooooooooooooy...



Catch up!



Scarlet: *pulls out beetle shaped device* Clock up! *vanishes*

Crazy56U: ...okay, bye.

Topher: Well, that happened.



"And we would all like to thank the towns new Protector for saving the town, and saving the fillies and colts from the factory!



Crazy56U: “It only took him 30 hours to do something that should’ve taken 20

minutes!”



It would be my honor to bestow the Element of Loyalty to Celestial Sabre for the time being until we find a more permanent holder."



Scarlet: *reappears* Clock Over! And yeah, the Princess totally gets to make that call and not the element itself. Worked great when they tried it with Spike in season two!

SC276: Congratulations, Celestial Sabre, you’re the new Rainbow Dash.

Crazy56U: Spike is going to fucking sue.

Topher: To be fair, Spike is a really good candidate for the Element of Loyalty.



said the mayor in the ceremony after the incident at "The Rainbow Factory" Princess Celestia said it would be a good idea to put guards in Ponyville in case something like that were to happen again.



Scarlet: A thing it’s kind of surprising she didn’t have going on to begin with. Not that the guard ever seems to be able to prevent anything in Canterlot, mind.

JofY: It’s not like there needs to be any guards at Cloudsdale, ya know, WHERE THE INCIDENT TOOK PLACE!

Crazy56U: Please, what are the chances of another Rainbow Factory being made there? Ponyville’s clearly the better option...



Well anyway I was appointed Protector or head guard of Ponyville,



JofY: Whichever one is more befitting the OCness.

SC276: Isn’t that a demotion from vice captain of the royal guard?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Yep, on top of being Protector and the new Rainbow Dash, I’m

also technically still the Narrator! I’m set for life…”



and temporary holder of the Element of Loyalty while they looked for a replacement. Because of this I was given armor with a small lightning imprint in the chest to hold the element.



Scarlet: I’m kind of hoping he turns into a Power Ranger if he inserts it.

Crazy56U: I’m kinda hoping he turns into an Iron Man knockoff…

JofY: [Saber] “Sailor powers! Activate!”



But I must say it was a beautiful day today the grass was green, the sky was blue and calm, and most importantly the happy crowds that now didn't have to fear that their foals would be taken again!



Scarlet: Flowers are blooming. Birds are singing. On- *spontaneously combusts and revives*

JofY: Sorry, but we’ve already done that joke ten times by now, and it’s gotten old.

SC276: It was a beautiful sunny day.

Crazy56U: The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.



Well about a week later



Crazy56U: YAY, pointless time skips.



I was staying in a grey pegasus mares home her name was Ditzy Doo she said.



Crazy56U: ...oh dear God, don’t tell me this is going where I think it is…

Topher: INCOMING ROMANCE! HIT THE DECK! *dives to the floor as klaxons sound around the riff… place*

Crazy56U: No… no, not that… I think this is going somewhere… else...



"So how's your stay been mister Sabre?" she asked I've been here a week she let me live here while barracks were being built and I helped around the house a bit cleaned weeded the garden you know those kinds of things.



Scarlet: Did the taxes, took out the trash, formed a lasting and permanent relationship, got married, raised a family, had a painful divorce, went back to sleeping on the couch. Those sorts of things.

SC276: Isn’t Cheerilee his sister or cousin or something? Why isn’t he staying with her? Is the author discarding his own continuity already?

Crazy56U: Nah, it turns out that Cheerilee actually low-key hates him.



"I'm just fine Miss.Doo thanks for asking." I responded while I cleaned the kitchen.



SC276: The “Miss” title doesn’t work that way.

Crazy56U: “Doo thanks for asking”? ...is Sabre drunk?



She paused and said.



Crazy56U: [Derpy] “You missed a spot.”



"Please don't call me Miss.Doo it brings back memory's I'd rather not think about."



Crazy56U: Oh dear God, it is going where I think it’s going...



she told me. I wasn't sure at the time what got her so upset at that I mean her little cottage was quite peaceful I've been up and peppy every moment here!



Scarlet: Didn’t need to know that!

SC276: Did she never tell you off for it before now? How did you talk to her then?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Ever since I discovered the wonders of cocaine, I’ve been happy nonstop!”



I wasn't going to probe her for information I mean it's her secret she doesn't have to tell me. Besides I was going to town that day, and that's when I'd meet one strange stallion.



Scarlet: And thus begins the tale of Celestial Sabre’s first romance.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) Three… Two… One… (snaps fingers)



Wreeeooop wreeeeoooop wreeeeeoooop was the sound that came from a strange blue box that appeared right in front of me as I was leaving for town. "



JofY: *goes over to the corner and starts weeping*

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) (slams head into table)

Topher: WE HAVE A CROSSOVER, I REPEAT, WE HAVE A CONFIRMED CROSSOVER! FIC STATUS HAS REACHED DUMBCON 1! ABANDON STORY! *self-defenestrates*



Gah!" I yelped as I jumped backwards away from the box.



Scarlet: I’m honestly surprised we hadn’t already done one of these.

Crazy56U: ...same...



I looked up at the doorway of the house and saw Ditzy just standing there frozen up she dropped the tray of muffins she just got done baking, and dropped them on the paving stones in front of her house, and then she ran to the box.



Scarlet: And then she opened the box and took a sweater out of the box and put it on.

SC276: Oh god, it’s that box. Just what we needed. I appreciate “Slice of Life” even more now.

Crazy56U: No, not the muffins! THEY WERE TOO YOUNG!



You might say nothing else could supprise me more but the doors opened, Ditzy ran in, and I couldn't belive what I was seeing.



Crazy56U: (deadpan) It was bigger on the inside.



"It's bigger on the inside." I said.



JofY: *audible wink*

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Yay, we got that out of the way...



I couldn't belive it there was an entire worlds worth space inside the box were no pony could fit comfortably it was baffling.



Scarlet: It’s smaller on the outside.

SC276: It’s bigger than a breadbox.

Crazy56U: And then Sabre had an aneurysm over how baffling it all was. THE END



"I love it when they say that!" said a brown stallion with an hourglass Cutiemark. "Oh we're are my manners my name is The Doctor I'm a time traveler blah blah blah and while you were standing there just staring at the celing Ditzy here slapped me it hurts a lot, and now Miss.Doo let's see why the TARDIS brought me here shall we!" said The Doctor.



Scarlet: Gaaahhh. I’d shoot you but you’d just regenerate into Colin Baker.

SC276: Shoot the author instead! It’s all his fault!

Crazy56U: Fuck you Scarlet, Colin Baker did nothing wrong! Michael Grade is who needs to be shot! ...also Eric Saward.



"Whoa whoa whoa who exactly are you you mad pony?" I asked completely in shock from what I saw.



JofY: Okay, can we get a new fic, this one is damaged. It keeps stuttering.

Crazy56U: Okay, just because he’s the Doctor doesn’t mean he’s a mad doctor! Those

are not the same thing!



"I told you I'm The Doctor I'm a time traveler, and we don't have time for this you're the towns protector if I'm not mistaken right?" he said.



Scarlet: [Doctor] “Says so on your business card.”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “I just came back from jumping ahead in the story, and after seeing what I saw, I just want to get this over with ASAP.”



"Yeah I am and how in Celestia did you know?" I questioned him. I needed answers I mean a box that houses a whole world inside it, and a pony I've never met before knowing me and what I do!



JofY: He can’t have possibly read the news which would have said that kind of information!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I mean, he just said he’s a time traveler, clearly he made that

up!”



It's just plain creepy.



Scarlet: As opposed to the Rainbow Factory, which was downright normal.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I mean... Rainbow murdering ponies into rainbows, that I can handle. But ‘Doctor Who’? Fuck that noise!”



"I'm The Doctor I always know (gets hit in the ribs by Ditzy) ow!



JofY: That’s the type of writing that you use for actions? (stands up and starts drinking water) I mean, how lazy can you get to just put all your actions in parentheses?

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “Where do you get off being a smartass? This is why I stopped

hanging out with you!”



Okay she told me why you were dozing off." he said then under his breath he said "Didn't have to hit me."



Scarlet: What, Sabre fell asleep while the TARDIS was teleporting in? Huh?

SC276: I’m in a cranky mood from finals, and this is not helping in the bloody slightest.

Crazy56U: No, Derpy met up with the Doctor one night while Sabre was passed out in her cottage, duh.



Rubbing my eyes to get over what I'm seeing



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “For some reason, they were bleeding heavily…”



I said "Okay hey wait when I called you Miss.Doo you looked like you were going to yell at me if I said it again." I said.



Crazy56U: “Doo you looked like you were going to-”, seriously, is he drunk?



"Only The Doctor can call me that,



Crazy56U: [Derpy] “He copyrighted it, and I didn’t want you to get sued.”



and anyway don't we have a problem to solve?" said the Mare.



Scarlet: Who has apparently replaced Ditzy Doo.

Crazy56U: The Mare... ...is Derpy actually Mare-Do-Well? Because... that doesn’t sit well with me...



The Doctor looked over and said "Yes yes we do and so we shall! AVANTE!" he shouted and we took off.



Crazy56U: “Avante”? ...oh... ...oh sweet Jesus, you’re ripping off “Doctor Whooves

and Assistant”?!

JofY: Jury’s still out for which one is worse.

Crazy56U: Shush.



It was moments, and when we got out we were in the town square! "How?"



JofY: It’s like you walked or something!

Crazy56U: Because, Sabre. Because.



I asked baffled.



Scarlet: You couldn’t have walked that far? That’s like opening a stable wormhole between dimensions to skip a five-minute walk to the 7-11 for munchies!

Crazy56U: The Doctor likes showing off, it’s his thing.

Topher: And personally, I think that opening a wormhole is a convenient means of getting snacks. *reaches into a hole in the air, pulls out a handful of gummy bears*

Crazy56U: (steals some of Topher’s gummy bears)



"Time/Space travel it's how The Doctor and I used to get around before he ran off." said Ditzy with some hurt in her voice before The Doc showed up again.



Scarlet: Well, at least we’re keeping with the “Doctor is an unintentionally terrible person who hurts everyone he cares about” theme.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) One of my absolute favorite themes from “Doctor Who”...

JofY: Is it just me, or does she seem like she gets offended by everything?

SC276: Who does she think she is, us?



"Now if you're going to be my companion you need a key!" said The Doctor before giving "me" a key to the Tardis!



JofY: You get a key! You get a key! Everybody gets a key!

SC276: How long is this fic? Just kill me now...

Crazy56U: You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d assume the Author was poking

fun at that aspect of “Doctor Who”. But since the Author would need to be competent

to be intentionally doing that...



He had us take off into town before I could thank him.



Scarlet: Wait what and suddenly this is a Doctor Who episode and he’s just like fuck it, random guy, you’re my companion now. Isn’t it series law that you have to stop at least one alien menace together?

Crazy56U: Again, the Author needs to be competent to be doing shit like that.



As we walked through town I saw a few weird things such as two of one pony here and there, things flying by in the corner of my eye it was rather creepy.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I also saw a purple dinosaur being lit ablaze, it was weird.”



As we continued onwards we ran into a familiar purple unicorn my good pal Twilight Sparkle!



Scarlet: You’re not my buddy, pal.

SC276: You’re not my pal, compadre.

Crazy56U: Why do you think Twilight likes you, Sabre? Seriously, when you assume...



"Fancy meeting you here now isn't it." said Twilight it's only been a few weeks since "The Rainbow Factory" incident and it looked like she only slept yesterday of them.



Scarlet: ...so she looks fine.

JofY: It’s only the realization that one of her closest friends was committing GENOCIDE.

CaptainPipsqueak: Eh, it’s only genocide if she kills all of them. This is just plain ol’ mass-murder.

Crazy56U: She slept yesterday of a few weeks, that is literally what you just said.



"Just walking with Ditzy, and her friend umm TimeTurner that's all." I said obviously not convinced Twilight said.



Scarlet: Who said what with where which and why?

SC276: I’ve been asking that this entire fic. I swear the typesmanship is getting worse every second.

Crazy56U: Somehow the Author got worse at writing. I can’t believe I have to say this, but somehow the Author got worse at writing.



"Mind if I join you I've got nothing else to do anyway." she said I knew arguing would only make her want to come more so I agreed and the Doc said.



SC276: [Doctor] “Gheeze, take a breath once in a while.”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Excuse me, why does it seem like you did a line of cocaine?”



"Well the more the merrier. ADVANTE!" he shouted and we continued our journey not knowing we were being watched!



Scarlet: Shit! They’re onto us! *dives beneath the seats*

SC276: I am getting really fucking sick of all the fourth-wall breaches that have been going on.

Crazy56U: It’s the people behind “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, they are livid that the Author is ripping them off.



Chapter 2



SC276: What, no chapter titles this time? Lazybones.

Crazy56U: The Author wanted to focus more on the intricate plo- nope, can’t even finish that sentence.



"So Doc you know what we're looking for because I don't want to be dragged out here for nothing you know." I told The Doctor I mean I don't want to be dragged out here for some petty argument,



JofY: “I want a real argument!”

Crazy56U: Big talk coming from the pony who took his sweet ass time trying to

find/save Scootaloo.



and I've delt with twelve of them since I became the towns protector.



Scarlet: And ironically, all of them were between Doctor Who fans.

SC276: Why couldn’t we hear about one of those instead of the dumb crossover?

Crazy56U: Wait, you don’t want to deal with a petty argument with the Doctor and you mentioned that you had twelve other ones in the past… I may be reaching here, but I think the Author is trying to be clever again...



"Nah it's big alright else the Tardis wouldn't of brought me here, and besides I get to travel with Derpy again!" he said.



"Doctor my name is Ditzy." said Ditzy "I don't like being called Derpy."



RingmasterJ5: I’m just going to shut everyone up right here because the last time this came up the resulting, unfunny argument was over half a page long.

CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s split the difference and call her ‘Dertzy’.

Crazy56U: (bites tongue in two) Deal.



"Oh well let's just continue on our merry way. He he he." giggled The Doctor. He really is full of energy I thought.



Scarlet: Not one of David Tennant’s better performances, is it?

Crazy56U: Eh, hell of a lot better than Tom Baker’s- yes I went there FIGHT ME IRL



"Yawn, well what exactly are we looking for Mr.The Doctor?" asked Twilight.



Crazy56U: ...no. ...j-just... ...just no.



"It's just The Doctor, and I'm not very sure..... ah well let's go on anyway!" said an ever peppy Doctor.



SC276: Anyone else tired of this already?

Crazy56U: Not really, it’s a distraction from the everything else about this...



Sometimes his always happy nature reminded me of Ditzy at times, and I'm not sure I still felt like something was watching me,



Scarlet: And you’ve got no privacy!

Crazy56U: It was Rainbow’s ghost, glaring at you from beyond the grave.



but it could be anything in this bright crowded market street. I saw Carrot Top at her stand selling her carrots, I saw Fluttershy walking around around in her usual manner, but no pony was looking at me or the group it was eerie.



Scarlet: “I’m an OC! I’m used to commanding attention constantly!”

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Let me guess they are changelings.



"So Doc do you feel that it's like we're being followed?" I told him he turned looked behind me, and his face went slack.



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Oh dear. The plot.”



"Run." he said.



Scarlet: Okay, now it feels like an episode of Doctor Who. With no budget. And Colin Baker.

Crazy56U: ...so, basically, a Sixth Doctor adventure.



"What!" said an annoyed Ditzy.



SC276: If you’re not used to it by now… Also, I would think the Doctor would inform them of the whole “run” thing before leaving the TARDIS.

Crazy56U: Derpy, you used to be his companion, do you honestly forget how this works?



"If you want to survive just RUN!" said The Doctor he turned and ran and we followed "Twilight were is your library!" asked The Doctor I filled him in on Twilight earlier.



Scarlet: Why would you need to? He’s a time traveler who hangs out around Ponyville all the damn time!

SC276: And why wouldn’t he know where a freakin’ unique tree was?

Crazy56U: Look, given how half the time the Doctor doesn’t wind up exactly where he wants to go, I’m pretty sure he’s not sure if he arrived before or after the library blew up.



"This way follow me!"



JofY: Quick! Run on these next sentences!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Twilight, you’re running towards the train station-”

[Twilight Sparkle] “TRUST ME.”



she said as we had just left the market through an alley, and we're running towards the library it was so close now I could feel it! Then disaster struck an insect pony hybrid creature thing is all I can describe them as he swooped in and grabbed the exhausted Twilight good thing I'm a good shot or else we would've lost her.



Scarlet: Eh, this sounds less exciting and more like a normal Tuesday for Twilight. I’m pretty sure she’s developed an “Escape Greater Fauna” spell by now.

SC276: OK, uh, if this is going the way I think it’s bloody going, this author has both continuity and no continuity at the same time. And I will explode with rage.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh hey it is changelings my surprise knows no bounds.



I shot a jolt of magic and obliterated the creature



Crazy56U: HOLY FUCK you just disintegrated it!



and Twilight fell onto the road beneath her. I ran to her Doc and Ditzy in hoof when we got there we saw the damage. There was a gash in her leg, and then I saw the half built barracks armory spilled on the ground with a spear already bloodied.



JofY: Twilight is a military base!?

Scarlet: Apparently she’s one that’s spilled on the ground as well.

Crazy56U: No, Twilight exploded and fucked up the barracks.



Her red lifeblood



SC276: What is this, an animal-fantasy world? I mean, MLP is that already, but it’s not a cliché as fuck one.

Crazy56U: ...so, normal average run-of-the-mill blood, then?



was flowing out of the wound I just had to help her I hefted the wounded mare onto my back and ran into the library were we were greeted by a baby dragon he ushered us in, and closed the door!



Scarlet: OH MY GOD THE DOOR SHUTS!

JofY: HOLY SHIT! PANIC! PANIC!!!

Crazy56U: Hey now, Spike wasn’t raised in a barn, he knows that doors need to be

shut, calm down.



"Okay what was that!" said The Doctor "It looked like a mix between a pony and an insect of some sort fascinating!"



Crazy56U: How the fuck does the Doctor not know what a changeling is?



"It's called a Changeling I fought a few at the royal wedding in Canterlot they live off the love of ponies to put it frank.



JofY: I’d like to remind you, that Twilight once fought an army of them. And now apparently one severely injured her.

SC276: OK, so at least he knows that. Some rage subsided. But then why didn’t he say they were changelings in the narration? To keep us in some form of suspense that doesn’t work because the cover image is of a changeling army?

JofY: Even if he didn’t, the narration before makes it seem like it’s an unholy monstrosity never seen before. Going from unholy monster down to random mook gives a ton of disappointment.

Crazy56U: ...correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure the Doctor was in Canterlot

during the invasion. ...which brings me back to my question: how the fuck does the

Doctor not know what a changeling is?!



Now can we get those bandages!" I said.



"Right here!" said the dragon as he ran to us with a box of medical supplies. "Let's see bandages, peroxide, needle, stitches, and painkillers we've got exactly what we need."



JofY: Let’s begin the operation!

SC276: Dude, it’s just a cut. Maybe a particularly deep one, but still a cut.

Crazy56U: You know what, you’re right, best get a more appropriate tool… (pulls out a staple gun)



said the dragon I turned to Twilight and told her everything would be fine, and started dressing the wound using my magic. Careful not to use the element in my armor's power because that would cause a flux in power,



Scarlet: Reverse the polarity of the warp drive!

JofY: But we need to use photon reversal first!

Crazy56U: Wait, is his armor actually a flux capacitor? Can he travel through time

while wearing it? ...that’s too awesome for him to have!



and it would send the needle flying through her leg and that would hurt... a lot.



SC276: Why would that be a concern? Do you not have full control of it or something?

Crazy56U: Well there is a very likely possibility that I’m right and he’s actually drunk right now...



A few hours later I put her in her bed and returned to the Doctor, and Ditzy.



Scarlet: A moment of silence for Twilight’s dignity.

Crazy56U: ...God, this is great, eh?



"So Mister Sabre how is she?" asked The Doctor I breathed in and said.



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “Well… it is a small cut, so, my prognosis? ...she won’t live

through the night.”

[Sabre] “(GASP!)”

[The Doctor] “Oh, stop, I’m pulling your leg. I’m not that kind of doctor, ya

dingus.”



"She's fine, but we should let her rest and then we'll let her test out her leg my sonic can only heal small wounds not huge gashes such as that!" exclaimed The Doctor.



SC276: Uh, who’s talking again? Did we miss a paragraph?

Crazy56U: ...uh… (ahem) Author? The sonic screwdriver can’t heal people, YA DINGUS!



"You are worthless!" Yelled the Changeling Queen at her drones



JofY: [Saber] “Hey! Would you keep it down? We’re trying to have a scene here.”

[Chrysalis] “Oh, sorry about that.”

SC276: AND NOW SUDDENLY THESE ASSHOLES.

Crazy56U: Glad to know that the Author still thinks properly establishing scene

transitions is nothing more than a fucking myth.



"I just asked you to bring the girl to me how hard can that be!"



JofY: “She’s only proficient in like every single form of magic, and has wiped the floor with you before! How hard could it be!?”

Scarlet: You know, you throw in Doctor Who and then of all the villains you pick the closest things Equestria has to the freaking grunts from Shocker.

SC276: Why did they go after that Twilight, that came with the Doctor, and not the Twilight when they are now? Come to think of it, they were being watched before time-travelling there, so now changelings apparently exist across time? This plot officially makes no sense.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Seriously! ‘Bring us the girl and wipe away the debt!’ It is not

that hard to remember!”



she looked at her army and her horn flared to life, and she obliterated a small group of changelings



Crazy56U: And thus more dead changelings are added to the pile!



and said "Whatever the reason I will have her now we march!"



JofY: [Changeling Mook] “But it’s Apri-*explodes*”

Crazy56U: Okay, have some tunes to go along with it.



she shouted and she, and her army flew out of the cave and advanced on Ponyville.



SC276: Well that escalated quickly.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “My drones failed to get a certain pony! LET’S LAY WASTE TO HER TOWN!”



Chapter 3 We Meet A New Friend!



Scarlet: Wooohoooooo.

Crazy56U: (screams in fear)



"How's your leg doing?" I asked Twilight as we walked around town with The Doctor, and Ditzy we decided it was safer to travel in a group in case another changeling swooped in.



Scarlet: Oh, I guess we’re just going back to casually strolling around town now. Eh, I’m sure the massive Changeling invasion likely underway is of no consequence

SC276: Pretty sure her leg’s doing alright if she’s walking on it.

Crazy56U: Yes, because that way the changeling can attack all of you at once instead of one at a time!



"It's doing just fine." she said



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I mean, it’s not like we had to amputate it, calm down.”



we continued talking as we walked through town. It was noon now and we were heading to Applejack's stand to get something to eat, and then I saw something on the stand it was a sign that said "all cider 20% off."



Scarlet: The most significant thing you could be thinking about at this moment!

Crazy56U: Only 20%?! What a ripoff, the cider stand three blocks over is selling it at 25% off!



I told them what I saw and said "We can't let an opportunity like this go to waste now can we?



Scarlet: No, really, you can. You can walk the other way, ignore the sale given that you can probably just hang out with her and bum some for free later, and concentrate on FINDING THE ARMY OF DEATH BUG INFILTRATORS.

SC276: Maybe if it was 30%, I might consider that.

Crazy56U: Ah, there’s the Sabre I know best. “Something bad is happening! Let’s take our sweet ass time!”



"I suppose we can't" said Ditzy as she ran towards the stand. She reached into her saddle bags and brought out a few bits, and came back with a few mugs of cider we accepted them and drank for once today in peace.



Scarlet: I’m kind of praying Suika just rolls in from across the canon divide and turns the rest of the fic into a boozefest.

Crazy56U: Little did they know that the cider was poisoned!



We discussed the events that transpired that day leading to the attempted kidnapping.



SC276: Now that they’re apparently drunk outta their gourds.

Crazy56U: Applejack is using a special cider recipe.



"I wonder why the changeling wanted me so badly?" said Twilight in more of a question than a statement.



Scarlet: Ostensibly leader of the Elements of Harmony crew even before your ascension, later princess of Friendship, the one mare who saw through Chrysalis’s first attempt, someone Chrysalis would have a serious grudge against I don’t know you tell me!

JofY: Is it so that Twilight can bake cookies?

Scarlet: I’m revoking your speaking privileges on the next line.

JofY: *writes down ‘That doesn’t mean I still can’t act!’*

Crazy56U: (punches Scarlet in the head) Don’t be rude, jerk!



"I have no idea." me and The Doctor said in unison. He looked at me and just raised an eyebrow and said "Well while I don't know there might be a pony who might.



Scarlet: You know, I think calling him Colin Baker might’ve been giving this Doctor a bit too much credit. So far he’s been worse than useless.

Crazy56U: Would please fucking lay off Colin Baker, already?! Christ!

SC276: The fic’s been worse than useless.



Now my companions to Canterlot ADVANTE.



JofY: As opposed to the Equestrian Canterlot.

Crazy56U: Stop trying to be “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, you will never be

“Doctor Whooves and Assistant”!



The Doctor called his TARDIS



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “YOO HOO, TARDIS!”



and we stepped inside. "I think it's do time I introduce you to a friend of mine she's been with me for two or three days now.



SC276: [The Doctor] “Who I felt no need to mention the presence of the first time you two were in here.”

Crazy56U: ...Bon Bon?



Lyra



Crazy56U: Damn it, so close...



we are going on an adventure!" yelled The Doctor as a teal unicorn walked into the room with a small notebook.



Scarlet: Jesus, man, do you just collect companions like Pokemon? Do you give them all terrible nicknames too?

Crazy56U: ...Lyra is her actual name, not a nickname...



"Ooh more companions how much fun!" said the pony I was lead to belive was Lyra.



Crazy56U: Okay, I honestly can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not...



She looked rather restless always running around I was supprised I didn't see her earlier.



Scarlet: Our hero- legally blind guy.

SC276: She’s a changeling, isn’t she. Calling it now. *throws chips in the pot*

Crazy56U: ...eh, why not, I’m in. (throws a $5 in the pot)



"Any way I was in the library recording some things about these humans you told me about the books you showed me absolutely fascinate me!"



JofY: Que mating ritual joke.

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “Well, most of them, anyway. I don’t know where you got this one

book, but it has nothing to do with the color grey; it’s just poorly written sex!”



said Lyra explaining why we didn't see her when The a Doctor first arrived.



Scarlet: No that explains nothing! You just ran back there!

SC276: I know some iterations of the Doctor are known for being a bit scatterbrained, but I’m pretty sure he would’ve mentioned she was there before regardless.

Crazy56U: Or, failing that, Lyra broke in while the others weren’t paying attention.



"Well I sure hope they did. Anyway were off to Canterlot! ADVANTE!" shouted The Doctor.



"Why does he always say ADVANTE?" I asked.



Scarlet: Because he hates us.

Crazy56U: Because the Author desperately wants this to be “Doctor Whooves and Assistant”, obviously.



"It's his catch phrase." said Ditzy. "He's kind of obsessed with them."



SC276: Mine is “Aaaaaaand I’ve stopped caring.”

Crazy56U: I… don’t think I have one, actually… ...gotta fix that someday...



"Did you travel with him before Ditzy?" asked Twilight Ditzy



Crazy56U: ...so, is Twilight talking to herself?



responded with a nod, and she walked us up to the console.



Scarlet: Brokenhearted Former Companion Count- 1. If we don’t make at least four by the end of this story, I’ll be disappointed.

JofY: Shouldn’t Scootaloo be added then?

Crazy56U: Factoring in regenerations, shouldn’t the Doctor also count as a companion? If so, that number should be bumped up to… 12, providing this Doctor is supposed to be 10 and that that War Doctor business also happened here...



"This is the TARDIS's console I personally have no idea how it works so I'm not sure how he does it." said Ditzy.



Crazy56U: At this point, I’m pretty sure the Doctor just guesses and hits random

buttons until the TARDIS does a thing...



I was baffled my self.



SC276: Stop talking to yourself.

Crazy56U: What is it with everyone talking to themselves here?



Not only the bigger on the inside part, but the fact after The Doctor hit a couple of buttons and flipped a lever he opened the door and we were in Canterlot!



Scarlet: Yeah, you needed the TARDIS for that. Not like there’s a train that runs between Ponyville and Canterlot. Or that you can fly there if you have wings. Or y’know, via Twilight’s balloon.

JofY: Or however you got there.

Crazy56U: Keep in mind, it’s also a time machine. You can take as long as you want

when you are using a time machine.



Chapter 4 Our Own Little Army!



Scarlet: Playsets now on sale from reliable Hasbro bootleggers everywhere!

Crazy56U: An army? ...nah, I don’t see that. I mean, you guys got soul, but your aren’t soldiers...



"So how did The Doctor drag you into this Lyra?" asked Ditzy Doo trying to make small talk while The Doctor went to find the pony that could help us.



JofY: [Lyra] “With ten pounds of steel and six tranquilizers.”

SC276: [Lyra] “Math was involved.”

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “He left the door open to the TARDIS and I just let myself in!”





"Oh I wanted to come along so badly after you told me he used to be human as you know I'm obsessed with them!" said Lyra.



Scarlet: Wait no stop. You’re saying this is supposed to actually be the same character from the series? I… wha?

SC276: I think both radio series use this take. I can accept it there because they can fucking write.

Crazy56U: ...because, of course he is. In fan works, nine times out of ten, pony!The Doctor turns out to be The Doctor as a pony. Because fuck it, why not...



"Well hi there every pony my name is Ruby Spark,



JofY: Hi, AHHHHH!!! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE!?

Crazy56U: [Ruby Spark] “I’m the Narrator now! SUCK IT!”



I own the small jewelry store over there down the street, and if you all were interested could you buy a few I've not had the best of luck here lately and could use the sales." said the red unicorn her mane was a pinkish tint though. Her Cutiemark was an ruby necklace.



Scarlet: Hi Ruby, nobody cares, let’s move on now!

SC276: Your business might do better if you split your run-on sentences up.

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “I have this thing called a Sparkling Star Necklace, I could sell you it for, like, five bits?”



"I suppose it couldn't hurt to get some souvenirs!" said Twilight.



SC276: Yeah, you got attacked by a changeling and I don’t even remember why you’re here already, there’s always time for shopping.

Crazy56U: Twilight’s taking a page out of Sabre’s book right now...



"Thank you all!" said a smiling Ruby Spark who trotted away towards her shop.



"Nice lady hope everything works out." said Ditzy.



Scarlet: I don’t. *harrumphs*

Crazy56U: HAH.



"As do I." I said it would be ever so sad if she lost her job wonder if she had a family to care for?



SC276: Ya two just freakin’ jinxed it, guess whose shop is going to blow up when the changelings attack?

Crazy56U: Wrong, what actually happens is that she spontaneously combusts five minutes later.



My thoughts were cut short when The Doctor arrived with a smile on his face he opened his mouth and said



Scarlet: [Doctor] “Bad news. The ratings for ‘Trial of a Time Lord’ are in.”

JofY: [Doctor] “Does this mole look cancerous?”

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “I just found out how this story ends, and I feel dead inside.”



"All right I've found our friend, and he's agreed to assist us in any way he can!" said The Doctor who was interrupted by Twilight who asked.



"Does he know why the changeling tried to kidnap me?" asked Twilight Sparkle.



"That he does now if you my purple friend want to know your self come with me!" said The Doctor, and Twilight, Lyra, Ditzy, and I got up and followed The Doctor.



Scarlet: I know it’s bad when I find myself craving the Daleks.

SC276: Or the Cybermen in a pinch.

Crazy56U: Or Steven Moffat. Dear God, I want Steven Moffat...



"Welcome back Doctor." said a hooded pony this was our so called help she sounded like a mare but you couldn't always be sure. "Oh how rude I really should take this hood off." she said as the hood dropped revealing a blue unicorn with an hourglass cutiemark.



JofY: gasp.

Scarlet: “A Stallion for the Time Being” has really weird side-stories, apparently.

Crazy56U: And we got “Minuette is a Time Lord” check off as well!



"Well Colgate my friend Twilight wants to know why the changelings want her so badly." said The Doctor.



"Well I should suppose so now sit down I'll get us some coffee." said Colgate walking off to the kitchen.



Scarlet: Terrible fics that Season Five killed- +1.

SC276: I miss canon.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a cannon) All I have is this, that good enough?



"Do you think we can trust her Doc?" I asked.



"Absolutely I've known her almost as long as Derpy!" said The Doctor.



"My name is Ditzy not Derpy." said Ditzy



Scarlet: [Silver-Quill] “I shall call her ‘the muffin mare’.”

Crazy56U: Guys, stop, you’re going to make RingmasterJ5 mad…



"Oh whatever." said The Doctor.



JofY: *laughing* Everyone in this fic is a heartless jerk!

Scarlet: To be fair, back when this guy was Colin Baker his first act was to attempt to strangle his companion. This is restrained by comparison.

SC276: Yes, this running gag where the Doctor can’t be considerate for two minutes is fucking hilarious.

Crazy56U: Again, providing this Doctor is supposed to be 10, friendly reminder that he willingly wiped Donna Noble’s memory without her consent to save her life and then spin-doctored it into that being the only way to save her. And that’s not even getting into his Time Lord Victorious stunt...



In the kitchen



SC276: Git in the kitchen woman and make me a sammich. *slaps self* Whoa. Offended myself with that one.

Crazy56U: Oh, hey Dinah!



Colgate was humming to herself as the coffee machine was whirring along,



SC276: I’m at the state of mind where I don’t remember if Equestria had modern technology in the previous fic and I don’t freakin’ care.

Crazy56U: Bleugh! Coffee?!



but she didn't see the small creature in her closet until it was to late.



JofY: A cat!

Crazy56U: It’s Rainbow, she’s come back from the dead for revenge!



The changeling attacked, but he didn't anticipate the unicorns magical ability.



Scarlet: Apparently changelings aren’t exactly big in the brains department.

Crazy56U: I know, right, just look at Chrysalis...



Colgate slowed down time stepped out of the way bucked the creature in the face, and jumped into the door behind her into her living room.



JofY: But she didn’t shout ZA WARUDO beforehand.

Scarlet: I’d have settled for “Clock Up”.

SC276: I don’t are you even. I don’t care if she knows the Doctor, she’s a normal civilian, and she literally didn’t see it until it was too late, which means she doesn’t have time to freakin’ dodge no matter how much she slows time down.

Crazy56U: Uh, I’m pretty sure Colgate is supposed to be a Time Lord, and one Ninth Doctor episode had him do some kind of slow-mo stunt in order to walk past a huge spinning fan, so…

SC276: Yeah, but he was aware the fan was there longer than a second before attempting to cross!

Crazy56U: ...touche.



The Living Room



"Little help here!" said Colgate, I answered by lighting my horn,



JofY: And then ran away screaming because his horn was on fire.

Crazy56U: Why?! You just kicked its ass!



and created a baseball bat smacked the changeling, and then stabbed it with a magic knife.



Scarlet: How to keep potential sources of information alive! Step one- don’t do this.

SC276: So what was the shot he blew up the changeling back in Ponyville with, a magic bullet?

Crazy56U: (rubs temples) Please never bring up bullets in relation to Sabre again, just… just don’t...



"I think we need answers now!



JofY: “Why is your apartment made out of padding!? Tell me!”

SC276: Well you just blew them up. Twice. In front of the Doctor. Don’t know if that changes anything, but it should!

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Let’s just ask the dead changeling for information, that should be fun!”



Chapter 5 We Get Bad News (Warning short chapter)



SC276: Compared to what, exactly? The rest of your chapters? Can I blink and miss this one?

Crazy56U: ...I take it that the “Warning” thing wasn’t the bad news?



"Your meaning to tell me that I have enough power to "destroy" Equestria, and that's why the changelings want me." said Twilight after Colgate told her the news.



Scarlet: I mean it’s not a bad reason, but… *refers to earlier list*

Crazy56U: Okay, I’m almost 100% sure the author cribbed that wholesale from the comics...



"I'm afraid so my dear Twilight Sparkle." said Colgate. "The Changeling army won't stop until your dead."



JofY: Because killing Twilight will give them control of Twilight.

Scarlet: What, you didn’t know that Chrysalis is a twentieth-level necromancer?

Crazy56U: ...I’d pay top dollar to read that story...

SC276: What about her dead? Bring it out?



I stood up and said "Not if I can help it and I'll show you how.' I used a little trick I learned and sent a pulse of magic from the element into my horn creating a rainbow colored blade.



JofY: “Gay.” “SHUT UP! *runs away crying*”

Scarlet: *reflexive punch* ...actually you didn’t deserve that one. Sorry.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, in doing so, he accidentally decapitated Twilight. THE END



"My that is impressive but not compared to an army of hundreds of changelings not so much." said Colgate.



SC276: Especially when he’s only even taken twenty on at once before losing.

Crazy56U: And even then, I’m pretty sure he didn’t bother even putting up a fight...



Frowning I stopped the flow of magic, and asked "How can you help us."



Scarlet: Was he asleep when Colgate went full Dio Brando a few minutes ago?

JofY: How could that possibly be useful?

Crazy56U: ...please tell me that was sarcasm...



"Why you have the answer right next to you in the form of a purple pony." said Colgate I heard a nock at the door and exused myself. I opened the door to reveal Applejack. She was panting like a dog



Crazy56U: Oh, great, another Apple is acting like a dog. (shakes fist into the air)

DAMN IT DISCORD!



I ushered her in when she said.



Scarlet: “Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men thunder?”

SC276: What is she doing here? Did she run all the way to Canterlot from Ponyville?

Crazy56U: Well… that makes the most sense, actually...



"Ah need to see Twilight."



JofY: [Applejack] “Thank Celestia I put that GPS in her, or else I wouldn’t know where to look!”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Pinkie got her head caught in the gutter again, we need her

help!”



I pointed to the living room and she ran in, and told Twilight "Changelings are attacking Ponyville we need ya now!" she said before seeing the bandages on Twilights flank. "Oh my."



Scarlet: Wait, nobody saw Twilight get attacked before? That happened in broad daylight!

SC276: Why are they attacking Ponyville?! They sent a changeling into Colgate’s pantry or something! They know she’s here!

JofY: ...how did they know that Twilight would be there?

Crazy56U: Applejack, that’s not where Twilight’s face is.



"She's in no condition to fight and as the towns protector I can't let her get hurt further I'll accompany you." I said she nodded I told Lyra to watch Twilight, and Ditzy, and The Doctor to follow me.



JofY: “Lyra! I want you to watch Twilight, Ditzy, and The Doctor… ditching you! Bye! *runs away*”

Scarlet: I think that’s how a good chunk of his companions end up getting off the crazy train these days.

Crazy56U: [Lyra] “Wait, I want to come along too-”

[Sabre] “That’s nice, bye! (slams door shut)”



We ran through the town so fast we didn't notice a certain red unicorn following us. We got in the TARDIS and took off for Ponyville.



Scarlet: Red unicorn… what, Commander Firebrand’s in this? Actually after the Ken Ashcorp cameo last time I probably shouldn’t be too shocked.

SC276: Of course there’s a human- I mean pony that made a deal with the aliens- I mean changelings that’s going to die by the end of the climax.

Crazy56U: ... ... ...who?



When we arrived the town was in chaos changelings left and right destroying buildings, and feeding off pony's at random.



SC276: Considering they eat love, mid-attack seems like a terrible time to feed.

JofY: Why would they bother attacking in the first place, if you think about it. After all, it’d be easier feeding off of others when the others, don’t even know that you exist.

Crazy56U: Actually, the plan was feed first, attack later, but they got a little too

anxious to do the second step...



I lit my horn and killed a few before running to the battle friends at my tail.



SC276: Celestial Sabre Battle Friends, now available at cheap toy aisles everywhere!

Crazy56U: Too good for them, if you ask me. They should only be sold in the back alley behind the IHOP.



This would be a battle no pony could forget.



JofY: Spike got amnesia after this was over.

Scarlet: He’s the lucky one.

Crazy56U: (falls asleep)



Chapter 6 The Battle



SC276: Wait, you call that a short chapter? That was about as long as the rest of them!



The town was in chaos if I didn't know any better I'd say Discord was behind this.



Scarlet: *holds up a changeling, shakes head, tosses it over shoulder* I can’t even right now.

Crazy56U: (is hit by the changeling; wakes up) OW.

SC276: No, if it was Discord, we’d actually be laughing.



Alas that was not true, but I still had a job to do no time to sit there and think on petty things. I lit my horn and charged into the fray. I killed a few before getting blindsided "Oh not again! "



JofY: [Saber] “Argh! I’ve been hit!”

[Doctor] “That’s not how one reacts to being blindsided…”

[Saber] “No. No. You must continue on without me.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Damn it, why must I constantly suck at life?!”



I said. It's just like the first time I was doing good then I get busted up. Anyway when the changeling was about to finish me off Ruby Spark sent a bolt of magic at the creature knocking it off me. "Thank you ." I said.



Scarlet: I see that the Fellowship of the Dork continues to recruit.

SC276: What is she even doing here? She’s supposed to be in Canterlot! If the distance between the two was that short, why’d they have to take the teleporting box between the two towns?!

Crazy56U: ...was the Ruby in Canterlot actually the changeling that attacked Colgate?



"No worries just be careful next time I may not be able to help you next time."



JofY: After all, no one can save you from the inescapable redundancy, after all.

SC276: You’t think he’d stop sucking at fighting changelings at some point.

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “After all, I have to die soon.”



she said I nodded got up, and ran back into the fight.



We all met back up at the town hall. Ditzy had green blood on her muzzle, mane, and hooves. The Doctor none at all, same for Ruby.



Scarlet: What, the muffin mare ate changelings alive? What the hell is that implying?

Crazy56U: No, it’s implying that Derpy got way too into fighting changelings...



"Well that could've gone better." said Ditzy wiping a bit of blood out of her mane.



"Aye I got hit pretty hard back there." I said showing my bruised ribs, black eye, and the gash along my muzzle.



Scarlet: God, these changelings suck. They get in a visceral attack and that’s all they manage to do? They must get laughed out of PvP.

Crazy56U: He also had a collapsed lung and massive internal bleeding, but eh, not worth mentioning...



"Hey y'all!" said Applejack running to us from town. She herself had some obvious wounds.



SC276: How do people keep jumping between the two cities without a TARDIS so easily?!

JofY: Well, they can walk, run, drive, take public transport, fly… Oh! You mean in a timely manner? No fucking clue.

Crazy56U: In fact, the wounds were so obvious, they weren’t worth mentioning...



"So who's yer friend there?" she asked.



"AJ this is Ruby Spark I think she followed us from Canterlot.



Scarlet: “And I don’t know how to get rid of her!”

Crazy56U: Stalking is a crime, Ruby! Stop that!



"Now why in tarnation would she do that?" Asked Applejack.



JofY: I’d ask how since at least our ragtag used a teleporter.

Crazy56U: ...because plot?



"Because in the attack on Canterlot one of these things got my husband! I am not letting them hurt my little girl to!" she said. "She was visiting town to see a friend, and when I heard the news I had to help." explained Ruby.



Scarlet: Hurt your little girl to what?

SC276: It honestly took me a moment to think she was referring to the canon episode, because it wouldn’t surprise me for this fic to have an attack on Canterlot and not mention it.

Crazy56U: Ah. So... (nods) because plot.



"So the target is still in Canterlot yes?" asked Crysilis.



JofY: [Saber] “Again!? Seriously!? You’re interrupting us again!?”

Crazy56U: I guess the spell checker was up and taking a shit when the Author

misspelled “Chrysalis”...



A minor changeling nodded. She kept a calm demeanor and told him to return to battle. Sadly as he flew away The Queen shot him down.



JofY: You ain’t helping your troops morale any.

Crazy56U: Damn it, what is it with this story having changelings die left and right?!



"Disappointment."



SC276: Speak for yourself, lady.

Crazy56U: “Sadness.”



"Oh my Celestia what's happening!" said a purple unicorn.



JofY: I don’t know! *floating upside down* I’m lost in the fic again!

Crazy56U: Instantaneous scene transitions, Random Pony.



"Sparkler you're so clueless the changelings are attacking the town." said a younger pegasus by the name of Lightning Smash. After hearing the word changeling she blacked out.



Scarlet: She couldn’t handle the meta!

Crazy56U: Little did the Narrator know that Sparkler actually passed out due to sleep deprivation.



"Okay this is a threat to big for us alone to handle we need an army!" I said



JofY: So are we back to Saber?

SC276: In the first fic’s original text, bigger paragraph breaks were used to designate scene changes. Let this be a lesson to all writers: have your scene breaks survive text inserted into them.

JofY: To be fair, not every single writer knows what riffing is, and it’s a simple easy way to signify a change. On the other hand, unless you are using notepad, each writing system has their own way to place breaks. USE THEM!

Crazy56U: An army? No. What you need is a tank.



"Else we be over run." we were hiding in the TARDIS thinking our next cause of action.



JofY: Our heros! Bravely fleeing.

SC276: ~Brave Sir Sabre ran away...~

Crazy56U: W-wait, if you guys are in the TARDIS, why not just go back in time before the invasion and prevent it! And don’t go and tell me that that will cause a paradox, “The Cutie Remark” proved that time travel paradoxes are a myth!



"We've got two elements honesty, and loyalty that should help right?" said Ditzy.



Scarlet: Well given that on their own all the Elements have ever seemed to do is make excellent paperweights, I’m gonna say… you’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: Well, you would’ve had three had you not left Twilight back in Canterlot! GG GUYS!



"Fraid not I seem to be the only one able to harness its magic and power myself up without the other five elements. It might be impossible without the rest."



Scarlet: “I can do this because TIME AND SPACE BEND TO MY WHIMS or something.”

SC276: That’s Twilight, right? Could be Applejack for all I know.

Crazy56U: Unnamed Pony is right, they’re boned.



"Then let's get them." said Ruby Spark.



"We can't Pinkies out of town, Fluttershy is in Cloudsdale cleaning up the debri from the factory, and Rairity is in Trottingham for at least two more days." I explained.



Scarlet: Yes, brilliant plan- have Fluttershy clean up all the corpses of children. I’m sure that will induce no lasting trauma!

Crazy56U: Why is Pinkie simply “out of town”? Is she actually going on a massive drug binge in Pony-Bangkok?



"Well that's not good." said The Doctor "I would get them, but something is keeping the TARDIS in place I can't leave."



JofY: Have you checked the brakes?

SC276: It’s being held down by the power of terrible plot.

Crazy56U: The Doctor is too ashamed to admit that the real cause of the problem is that he accidentally poured soda into the console while the others weren't looking.



"Well horse feathers." said Ditzy "Well I'll be taking a shower if you need me just nock, but don't just barge in." she said glaring at The Doctor.



Scarlet: ...okay then. Well that took a right turn into fuckedupsville.

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “Whelp, we’re fucked, I’m gonna go clean the dead changeling smell off of me. Don’t wait up!”



"What I didn't do anything." he said defensevly.



Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “NOIDIDNTSPILLSODAONTHECONSOLEAGAINSHUTUP”

[Derpy] “(unconvinced) Uh huh. Sure…”



She rolled her eyes and trotted off.



Meanwhile a certain unicorn was making her way to town with two friends their names Colgate, Lyra, and Twilight Sparkle!



Scarlet: And together they were the Super Unicorn Team: Uniranger!

SC276: That kind of presentation is 1) stupid, and 2) ruined by your own inability to punctuate.

Crazy56U: They were making their way downtown, walking fast, faces past and they’re homebound.



"I feel her coming."



JofY: ...ew.

Crazy56U: Oh Lord, stop that, YOU’RE IN PUBLIC!



said The Changeling Queen laughing a laugh you'd here a mad scientist uses. "Soon my plans will come to realization! I will have my revenge."



About an hour later.



JofY: [Changeling Mook] “...”

[Chrysalis] “...”

[Changeling Mook] “...”

[Chrysalis] “...”

[Changeling Mook] “...so- *explodes*”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “(has fallen asleep) ZZZZZZZZZZ”



"Alright I'm ready to go!" said Ditzy.



JofY: She takes long in the shower!

Crazy56U: Well, she was practically caked in changeling gore...



"Then let's get to it." I was bandaged up, and The Doctor helped heal some wounds.



SC276: She said she’d be showering if they needed her! That’s a fucking OK to go! Twilight’s probably dead by now!

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “(jabbing a wound with the sonic screwdriver) C’mon… C’mon… ...oh, COME ON, this worked last time!”



His TARDIS is a miracle worker! My ribs weren't bruised now and I was ready to kick some changeling flank!



JofY: Now I’m not.

SC276: [Sabre] “Well, another twenty of them!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “All I did was sit on the floor and stare into space for an hour, and suddenly my injuries were gone!”



"Alright let's do this!" I yelled lighting my horn to create a long sword. As on que a horde of the buggers swarmed down the street!



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Alright, my children. No fancy infiltration tactics, no attempt to paralyze the guard by seizing the mind of their commander, and no love-buffs. We’re just going to charge them head-on in faceless waves so we can be dispatched. Ready?”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “OUTDATED MEME!”



I hacked up a few, Ditzy was kicking them till they stopped moving, Doc was tricking them into flying into a field he set up around the TARDIS,



SC276: Guess he finally found the bug-zapper feature.

Crazy56U: [The Doctor] “AHA! I knew that I’d get the shields up if I simply punched the console a bunch!”



AJ was helping Ditzy, and Ruby went to find her daughter.



Scarlet: Bye, Ruby! I hope nothing bad happens to you! *crosses fingers*

JofY: Bye expendable!

Crazy56U: (is ordering a tombstone over the phone) Uh huh... Now, for the cost of the epitaph, is that per word or per letter? ...ah. I see... ...just leave it blank, nobody’s gonna care.



Of course since we were doing so well disaster had to strike! We heard Ruby scream. Applejack said she had things covered, and so I ran to Rubys aid.



Scarlet: Huh. That actually worked.

SC276: What’s the point of her again?

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, looks like I made that order just in time!



Chapter 7 The Cavalry Arives!



Scarlet: Tragically, without their spellchecker.

Crazy56U: A little too late, if you ask me...



I was running through the barren alleyways looking left and right for Ruby Spark. She was no were to be seen until I spotted a red puddle flowing down the street. "Blood!"



JofY: “Hope this isn’t Ruby’s blood.”

Crazy56U: As opposed to, what, Kool Aid?



I said. I sped up I had to find her. I turned a corner and saw Ruby Spark rolling away the body of....... Herself! "What how why?" I said trying to wrap my mind around it.



Scarlet: “How can this be? We were only under attack by changelings and oh god wow I’m an idiot.”

Crazy56U: Whelp, Ruby killed herself, that’s… a thing that happened.



"Just moping up." she said with a green glint in her eyes. Wait green glint! I lit my horn and blasted her away the imposter wailed "NOOOOOOOO!"



"Oh my Celestia that hurts!" said Ruby Spark she had a hole in her side! I ran to her side and said.



Scarlet: Do you come from a land down under? Where women grow and men chunder?

SC276: ~Son, I’ve made a life / out of reading people’s faces...~

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “OH CRAP, I can see your guts, holy crap!”



"No this can't be happening! It can't be no no no!" I was freaking out I didn't want to loose another friend not like this.



Crazy56U: Oh, please, her death was telegraphed eons ago! Besides, it’s not like

there’s gonna be a more pointless death, right?



"It's okay I've lived my life, made friends, and own my own store. If only I could be there for my dear Sparkler!



JofY: If only I was able to give my entire life’s story in these moments!

Crazy56U: [Ruby] “I mean, it kinda blows that I’m dying, but eh, it could be worse…”



Promise me you will find her and protect her!" she told me.



Scarlet: Oh great. I smell a sequel.

SC276: Judging from how much story’s left… that is exactly what’s going to happen. Fuck.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I have no idea who she looks like, how will I-”

[Ruby] “PROMISE ME!”

[Sabre] “FUCK, SHIT, OKAY!”



"I will!" I said she sighed, and closed her eyes for the last time. I arose and ran I was going to save that child!



Back at the TARDIS



JofY: Oh, so now you want to use transitions.

Crazy56U: The Author is learning. Albeit it’s at a snail’s pace, but he’s learning.



"There are a lot of changelings don't reckon we can hold this out much longer!" Applejack yelled over the chaos of the fight.



Scarlet: Remind me again why they aren’t using their magical police box to go get help from Canterlot?

JofY: Because the brakes are stuck.

Crazy56U: Because reasons.



The words set in and moral dropped until a blue bolt of energy flew by and destroyed a small group of the things!



SC276: Not ALL the things!

Crazy56U: Sonic has come to save the day, guys!



The group turned to see the trio of unicorns they thought they left in Canterlot. Twilight, Lyra, and the ever so helpfull Colgate!



Scarlet: Okay, I guess that works.

JofY: Okay, Colgate. First you want to be DIO, and now you want to be Speedwagon? Make up your mind!

Crazy56U: Let’s split the difference: Speedio.



At Sugar Cube Corner



SC276: Scene jumps everyone, and no one gives a shit.

Crazy56U: Oh, right, the TARDIS isn’t the only other location in the story!



"Did..did..did you see that?" said a shaky Lightning Smash he turned to see Sparkler curled in a ball in the corner sobbing. Her mother was killed before her very eyes! Now a stallion she doesn't even know is supposed to protect her!



Scarlet: And to make matters worse, her mother got attacked offscreen!

JofY: NO! That’s the worst kind of screen!

SC276: What relation do these characters have to the first-person narrator again?

Crazy56U: The only logical explanation to all of your quandaries is a simple, yet terrifying one: the Author gave up.



She was horrified.



JofY: No shit, dipshit.

Crazy56U: As opposed to laughing in glee?



What startled her more was when a changeling burst through the back doors and tackled Lightning! Sparkler did what any pony in this situation would do scream! Hearing the scream Sabre dashed for the store.



Scarlet: He used up all his stamina too quickly, and was blindsided by a player who had better dodge timing.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Oh shit, random screaming!”



Sparkler stopped screaming and kicked the creature in the muzzle knocking it off! Feeling proud of herself she got distracted and the creature grabbed her



Scarlet: Oh no! It’s got her by the Render Female Helpless Zone on her upper foreleg just below her shoulder! That completely prevents her from fighting back!

Crazy56U: [Changeling] “That isn’t nice, stop that!”



"Lightning help!" she said, but instead of the thing getting knocked off a purple blade pertruded from its chest. "What the?" she said before getting slung over Sabre's back along with her friend.



Scarlet: Wait I’m confused too. Is he walking around with a dead changeling on his horn like some kind of macabre kebab?

SC276: Eh, it’s probably one of those hard light weapons he keeps alternate shooting with.

Crazy56U: I think a better question is how did Sabre manage to not stab Sparkler along with the changeling as it held her?



The Streets



SC276: He started out as a poor boy, a child on here.

Crazy56U: Very helpful, thanks Narrator-Author.



"I'm guessing you're Sparkler right?"



JofY: Convenience works like that, right?

Crazy56U: The Element of Loyalty apparently doubles as the Element of Plot

Convenience...



I said Sparkler nodded "Then I'm getting you to safety."



"Whoa were are we going who are you?" she asked before looking at my armor and looking up.



SC276: What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?

Crazy56U: [Sparkler] “Are you God?”



"I promised your mother I would look out for you."



JofY: “Oh, BTW, ya ma like dead. Sry.”

Crazy56U: [Sparkler] “Aw, man, she couldn’t have picked anyone else?”



I turned a corner and sat them down and said "Now tell me about your self Miss. Sparkler." She told me her full name Amethyst Spark, she was from Canterlot, her father was killed by changelings, she was 12 years old at the time, and a few other things.



Scarlet: Like the meaning of life, how to square a circle, and the formula for the creation of a philosopher’s stone. You know. Other things.

SC276: Doe she know a way out of this fic?

Crazy56U: (sadly) There is no way out of this fic.



"Okay can we get out of here now?" asked Lightning Smash I nodded and we made a brake for the TARDIS.



SC276: I thought it wasn’t moving because its brake was still on?

Crazy56U: I bet dollars to donuts that the Author straight up forgot that.



At The TARDIS



"Well bout time you fellers got back.... Where's that red feller?" asked Applejack Sparkler looked on the verge of tears I answered AJ while trying to comfort her.



Scarlet: Not what feller means. Get your fake-ass country-isms out of here, ya varmint.

SC276: You get your fake, I say, your fake countryisms outta, I say, countryisms outta my life!

Crazy56U: Settle down, guys, let’s not have this turn into an Old West-style showdown...



"She was killed before I got there, but she told me to find her daughter and keep her safe." I said looking at the filly next to me.



"Oh my I'm so sorry little one let's get you inside." Applejack led the girl and her friend inside the TARDIS while I went over to the trio of unicorns and spoke my mind.



Scarlet: [Sabre] “Is this almost over yet? I’m missing my favorite TV show.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “You got any booze?”



"Twilight I told you to stay in Canterlot!"



"If I hadn't of came you're friends here would be dead now." said Twilight we continued arguing before Ditzy broke us up. There was urgency in her eyes.



Scarlet: We still never did address why she was covered in changeling blood, did we?

SC276: How is it possible I dislike the Rainbow Factory ripoff less?

Crazy56U: [Derpy] “SHUSH! A thing is happening…”



"Their Queen is here." I looked at her slack jawed until I turned my head seeing the alicorn like Queen Crisilis.



JofY: Dethroner!

Crazy56U: And now the Author is just straight up ignoring the spell checker out of spite.



"Ah I see both of my little headaches are right in front of me!



JofY: “I’m not hallucinating! You’re hallucinating the air as not being headaches!”

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bottle of aspirin) Got ya covered, Chrysalis!



Now I can get my revenge!" she said before jumping from the roof landing in front of me snarling "This will be fun!"



Scarlet: Boss fight music, engage!

CaptainPipsqueak: WOO!

SC276: Might be a little too epic for this situation here.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not if you played on a kazoo...

Crazy56U: (deadpan) No it won’t, shut up.

CaptainPipsqueak: You should see the boss it plays for: looks like an infinitely long tower made of heads.

JofY: What does everyone have against the kazoo?

Crazy56U: Uh… I was actually responding to what Chrysalis said, don’t know what

you guys are on about...



Chapter 8 The End



Crazy56U: Oh, thank the Lor-



and a Beginning



Crazy56U: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!



I charged my horn preparing an attack, but I wasn't expecting her to be able to negate the spell "What the heck!" I said confused.



SC276: That’s what we’ve been wondering.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “But I’m awesome, you can’t negate my awesomeness!”

[Chrysalis] “...I have some bad news for you…”



She rolled her eyes and approached.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Psssh, noob. You’re supposed to wait to charge a visceral until you riposte your opponent. Duh!”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Hmm… I hate you the most… You shall die first…”



"I see your horn doesn't like mind alteration spells. Oh well I'll kill you personally!" she said lunging.



SC276: So… wait, he’s immune to mind control? Like the kind she used on Shining Armor and yet not here?

JofY: No, clearly, it’s just his horn. I mean, just look at that easy to understand dialogue! How can you not understand what was said?

Crazy56U: He’s too stupid for it to work on him.



I side steeped still unable to create a new weapon I rammed into her with my horn!



Scarlet: Wow, good job! If you keep this up, you might be able to clear this stage without using healing items!

Crazy56U: (cough)



She growled in pain and walked backwards to get away from my horn.



SC276: I’m pretty sure just walking away isn’t going to do much good.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Aw, geez, that thing is pointy…”



I charged for words sinking my horn into her right front leg.



Scarlet: [Sabre] “FOR THE DICTIONARY!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Urban Dictionary powers, activate!”



She blasted me away. I was defenseless I couldn't stand or use magic I was as good as dead,



SC276: Don’t worry, you’ve been like that to us for the past story and a half or so.

Crazy56U: (crosses fingers)



but as she was firing her beam Applejack tried to save me taking the blast instead.



Scarlet: ...oh you motherfucker.

JofY: That was a needless death and you know it.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Applejack]: “How do ya… like… them apples, ya… bastard… ? *COUGH*”

SC276: Is the author going to make it a rule to kill off one of the Mane 6 every story?

Crazy56U: Oh, God damnit!



"Noooo Applejack!" Twilight yelled in anguish over her fallen friend. She sent blast after blast of energy at the Queen hitting her directly each time, but in her rage she failed to notice a hidden changeling in the bushes. It jumped out slamming the unicorn into her friends.



Scarlet: Thus giving Sabre an opportunity to kill-steal.

Crazy56U: [Changeling] “DOGPILE!”



"Enough!" I yelled grabbing the changeling with a quick blast. "You've hurt to many, killed to many of my friends for me to let you go! You die right here right now!"



JofY: “You! Random Mook! It’s all your fault!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you to DEATH!”



I ignited my horn drawing power from the element on my chest making a rainbow colored blade on my head. "I'm ready!"



Scarlet: [Sabre] “This horn of mine glows with an awesome POWERRRR! Its rainbow shine tells me to defeat you. Take this, my love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!”

JofY: Oh, no! He might use the carebear stare!

CaptainPipsqueak: One would think it kind of risky to piss off creatures that have laser cannons in their chests...

SC276: [Spongebob] “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Welcome to DIE!”



The fight raged on for a while we locked horns, deflected each others spells, stuck each other when we were off our guard, and still no victor.



SC276: This is much more exciting than actual battle narration.

Crazy56U: How are they evenly matched?! Chrysalis should’ve won by now!



I jumped to the right raised my back legs and kicked her in the side sending her sprawling into the dirt.



Scarlet: Man, if only Chrysalis had the ability to infiltrate groups and destroy them from the inside, she could have avoided this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, if only she could disguise herself as her foe; become a ‘changeling’ if you will…

Crazy56U: Low blow, Sabre! Low blow!



As she rose I pressed my right hoove into her neck I raised my left hoove and slammed it into the side of her face. The attack left two teeth in the dirt. My magic ignited and I created my finisher. My battle axe! I was not going to let her live to kill another day I brought my axe onto the base of her neck severing the head.



Scarlet: “GO! GO! GOOO!”

JofY: Good job. You killed another soldier. Seriously. Check the wording. He grabbed a changeling that was about to kill Twilight and defeated it. The Queen is still alive.

Crazy56U: That… was a little excessive, dude. You could’ve easily smashed her skull in.



My face spattered with blood as I raised my head I looked at the lifeless body of Applejack, and blacked out.



Scarlet: ...will anyone object if I immolate this story.

CaptainPipsqueak: Do you have a preference, or will good ol’ matches do it for you?

JofY: The soul isn’t nuanced enough in this fic to work.

Crazy56U: ...i-is the implication that, in the confusion, Sabre accidentally beheaded

Applejack’s corpse?



7 years later



SC276: Well that’s a sudden fucking time skip there.

Crazy56U: Well, at least the Author-Narrator was kind enough to inform us of this...



"Open your present Dinky."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Ditzy]: “Use the same method you did on the previous Dinky.”

Crazy56U: So, wait, is this Hearth’s Warming or Dinky’s birthday? ...or both?



said Ditzy Doo to her daughter Dinky. The Doctor, and Lyra were there, so was Dinkys older sister Sparkler (She was adopted shortly after the battle),



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you for bringing us up to speed, you Applejack-killing bastard.

SC276: [Apple Bloom] “D I R T Y S I S T E R K I L L E R”

Crazy56U: [Author] “Yep, now that Applejack is dead, everything is great in the

world! Aren’t I an awesome person?!”



Colgate wasn't able to come over, but we're was Sabre he was supposed to be here hours ago!



Scarlet: Yeah, about that. I might’ve borrowed him to use as the first victim for my spell to resurrect Applejack. Don’t worry, I promise his death will be painful.

JofY: Really? You think blood magic is that easy?

SC276: Well last we saw, he blacked out, so I assume he’s dead.

Crazy56U: Sabre was at the IHOP, for reasons.



"Mommy where's daddy at?" asked Dinky.



SC276: I’m going to kill someone.

Crazy56U: (brain ignites) ...ow...



"Right here." said Sabre as he walked through the doorway.



Scarlet: Damn it, I knew I should’ve locked the cage!

JofY: Oh! That was supposed to be locked!?

Crazy56U: Why are you still alive?!



"Daddy!" Dinky squealed with delight Sabre walked over and gave her a hug, and then took his seat over by Ditzy.



Scarlet: ...well, at least it isn’t another terrible OC/main ship?

CaptainPipsqueak: As if an OC/background were any better...

Crazy56U: (brain is now roasting)

SC276: I’ll call the fire department.



"You're late." Ditzy scolded.



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Late’ as in ‘the late Sabre Whatsisface’?

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “Look, I’m sorry, but at the same time, I’m not.”



"I made it didn't I."



"Ok yes you did"



Scarlet: Remember kids- making it is all you can ever expect. Even if your parents show up stone-drunk and puking, it still counts!

SC276: Attendance continues to be the only part of school I excel at!

Crazy56U: YAY!



"Great now Dinky I got you a very special present." I said pulling out a package.



Crazy56U: [Sabre] “It’s a Bible!”



"Yaaayy!" Dinky said again opening the box with glee finding a binder with eight papers with strange pictures on them.



JofY: Uhh...

Crazy56U: Ooh, it’s “The Bible: Picture Book Edition”!

JofY: For kids.

SC276: So, the Brick Bible?



Puzzled she asked me what they were. I said.



Scarlet: “Are you trying to tempt me? Because I come from a land of plenty!”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I got it at a yard sale! :D”



"Safety."



JofY:...Huh? I’m sorry, but is it supposed to be an instruction manual, the story we just read, or some ancient time of scroll? No seriously. What is it?

SC276: They’re Cheato Pages, so Banjo’s going to burst in any minute now.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “As long as you have this picture book, you will be safe for… some reason…”



The End



Scarlet: And unfortunately, not the end of this riff. Oh dear.

Crazy56U: (brain explodes) ...ow…



(If you want to see a Pinkie story cannon to Sabre's adventures go to Slendermares page it'll be out soon!



JofY: Oh... *starts twitching* We’re doing it again?

Crazy56U: (brain explodes again) ...okay, then, that happened...



Yay I finished another one)



CaptainPipsqueak: Pinkie has a story cannon, too? I’d have thought that’d have been Twilight’s thing.

Crazy56U: Don’t fucking mock us.



Info on Sabre



Scarlet: Oh hell yes. This is some classic early-badfic narm. I wasn’t sure the internet still produced things like this!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, to be fair, this story is almost two years old, so this narm has already happened.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody! A gift nobody wanted!



A lot of pony's have been asking so I'll answer the questions on my abilities and such.



CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God’s testicles, now it’s devolved into an FAQ...

SC276: If your readers are asking questions about your character, that means you suck at writing for him.

Crazy56U: Theory: No one was asking, the Author is just being a cunt.



1. Backstory



I was born in Canterlot into a family of earth pony's. At 17 I joined the guard, and I got my cutiemark there.



Scarlet: “I was teased mercilessly given most ponies get theirs out of friggin’ third grade.”

JofY: Behold! The rich and nuanced background of an average citizen who is honestly wasting their time telling us that part!

SC276: A unicorn from a bunch of earth ponies? Sure, why not. Nothing else about this fic makes sense.

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “I got it when I accidentally stabbed myself with one of the swords!”



2. Strengths and weaknesses



CaptainPipsqueak: Although it’s more like strengths and other strengths, amIrite?

Crazy56U: Half of that is nonexistent.



I am very adept at spells that turn magic into a solid form condensed around my horn. I cannot use ranged weapons else I risk draining myself completely in one shot. If a spell that targets my mind is used I'm not effected by it, but my magic becomes in active for a while.



JofY: So, if someone uses a mind spell on you… Nothing happens? You have to use a bit of magic?

SC276: Why would attempts to mind-control you disrupt your magic?

Crazy56U: ...dear God, even your magic sucks?!



I can't handle loosing friends/family if I do I either.



Scarlet: “And sometimes, I work too hard.”

Crazy56U: “A) Become Upset or B) Become Happy- wait, I mean-”



A. Go berserk or.



B. Black out.



Scarlet: “B makes me kind of useless and unreliable in any combat scenario, admittedly.”

Crazy56U: [Sabre] “B happens more often than you think…”



3. Fears



I HATE spiders with all of my being.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Spiders of the world]: “Yeah, and fuck you too, buddy!”

Scarlet: Someone summon Muffet.

Crazy56U: (puts on a spider costume) I feel ridiculous… but it’s worth it.

JofY: *takes a picture of Crazy* Ahh… This is going into the scrapbook.

SC276: Stop!



Look



Scarlet: Listen!

Crazy56U: Don’t touch!



Dark black mane



Tanish/brown fur



Scarlet: Tanish? Is that like some kind of Danish thing?

Crazy56U: Ah, goody, he’s “generic horse” color!



Unicorn



My cutiemark is crossed purple swords



My magic, and eyes are purple.



Scarlet: I’m beginning to believe that the red and black alicorn OC thing is a myth. The true derp is purple-on-brown.

Crazy56U: Actually, his eyes are blue; he just wears colored contacts to be super kewl.



Hope this helped.



RingmasterJ5: It really didn’t. Anyway, see you all next time for part five of The Cat-

Fallen Prime: There’s more.

RingmasterJ5: ...excuse me?

Fallen Prime: It’s a trilogy. There’s a sequel to the sequel. And it’s more Slender shit.

RingmasterJ5: ...you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. How long is it and what’s the title?

Fallen Prime: “The Arrival.” And it’s about 4K words, meaning we can run it and STILL be under our cap. Load it up, boss man.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, without further ado, guess we’re running… that.

Crazy56U: Fallen, why do you hate us?

JofY: ...alright I guess.

CaptainPipsqueak: If by ‘helped’ you mean ‘made it easier to hate you’, you succeeded.

SC276: Taking bets now: which of the Mane 6 is gonna die this time?! Place your bets now, ladies and gentlemen!

Crazy56U: …$5 on Twilight.



Chapter 1 The Mare with no face.



Scarlet: She will be played by Clint Eastwood.

CaptainPipsqueak: ~I been through the desert on a horse with no face…~ … Oh come on; not one of you thought that?

Crazy56U: The number one suspect in this face theft is a guy wearing a top hat.



Seven years later



JofY: After what? The first chapter?

Crazy56U: So, it’s been approximately 14 years since Applejack was murdered by

the Auth- I mean Chrysalis?



"Now I avenge my fathers death!" said a light purple unicorn mare. She was still a blank flank, but she has one unconventional talent, and it feared it.



Scarlet: Her name is Inigo Montoya. You killed her father. Prepare to die.

CaptainPipsqueak: She spent most of her life chasing down the Two-Tailed Stallion. (Do you have any idea how hard coming up with an equivalent to ‘six-fingered’ is when you’re dealing with equines?)

Crazy56U: Hi, Dinky.



In her head she could hear "You will soon join him! No pony is powerful enough to stop me! Slendermare!"



Scarlet: Wow. Only a week after we riffed it, and I think “A Displaced Monster” gave this concept more dignity.

CaptainPipsqueak: Granted that’s a rather backhanded compliment, but I don’t think you’re entirely wrong...

JofY: I will be enraged! No one can stop my true anger! Name I’m shouting out!

SC276: So, wait, is Sabre dead, or did the daughter mix up the changelings that killed her family with something that shouldn’t even exist in Equestria why am I devoting brain cells to trying to understand this author?!

Crazy56U: Bye, Dinky. (gets up and leaves)



The other mare grinned at her white furred, tux wearing, faceless demon. She lit her horn, and produced eight pages. If Slendermare could look scared she did.



Scarlet: Eight pages. Eight… pages. Eight… *groans* oh for the love of everything.

JofY: Okay, what? How? The… But… Go back to your room fic. You can come out when you learn not to place your shadow on others foreheads.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m lost here. Don’t help; I appreciate my lack of knowledge.

SC276: I thought when you got all eight pages, Slendy killed you immediately.



"No! How did you get those?" yelled the Slenderpony into the mares thoughts.



[Mare]: “I pulled them out of my bag. Pay attention, stupid.”



"You could call it a birthday present."



JofY: We however like to call it lazy writing.

CaptainPipsqeak:...or whatever this is supposed to be.



the mares eyes lit up in a yellow light, and six gems came out of her bags next "And some death wishes."



SC276: Oh god she has the fucking Elements. Someone kill me now.

JofY: *stabs SC* ...Did that help?

SC276: Surprisingly, no.



She placed them in her armor, and casted a spell just like her dad! She formed a sword around her horn.



Scarlet: It was large, made of metal, and caused her to overbalance comically.



Seven years earlier



"What are these?" asked Dinky I simply replied with.



SC276: Those are stupid non-distinct cheat scene transitions. They’re used when the author doesn’t give enough of a shit to do better.



"Safety." she looked at me quizzically then shrugged placing the binder down besides her.



SC276: Aaaaaand it’s a two-part trilogy. Of course.



"Now let's eat some cake!" said an ever so peppy Doctor.



Scarlet: [Doctor] “I haven’t had cake in centuries! D’you still use cumin and roast partridge in it? No wait, that’s Antares-12.”

CaptainPipsqueak: We use crunchy frog and lark’s vomit here.



"Yes let's!" said Lyra we all got up, and I served the cake. Soon after every pony left I got an eerie feeling as if I was being watched. I shrugged it off, and went to bed.



Scarlet: It must be tough finding a narrator for this story when Sabre keeps replacing them.

SC276: Because the last time you felt like you were being watched, it wasn’t like the changelings attacked Ponyville and Applejack died.



The Next Morning



JofY: Seven years ago.



I woke up in my bedroom, and yawned as I looked around I noticed something was off.



JofY: ‘Did I always have a third nipple?’



Unable to pinpoint the cause I shrugged it off, and went downstairs. School was closed today it did snow pretty hard last night so I wasn't supprised.



Scarlet: It snows according to a schedule in Ponyville! There’s a whole episode about it! Several, actually!



I walked over to Dinky she was playing with some of her toys she got on her birthday yesterday. "Morning." I told her.



"Good morning Dad." said Dinky.



"Oh morning Sabre." said Ditzy walking down the stairs.



Scarlet: Good morning, Slendermare standing in the corner!



"Morning." I said giving her a kiss on the cheek. I still felt that presence not sure what it was I turned to Dinky, and smiled. Of course when ever something good happens something worse happens each time.



SC276: Well let’s see. Fought a bunch of changelings, beat up by the rest of them, became high in royal guard, cousin kidnapped and had to kill rogue Element of Harmony, took Element of Harmony and gave no indication of having to return it and became Ponyville’s protector, hometown attacked by changelings while you were with a madpony in a box and someone else you were allegedly close to died and blacked out, woke up seven years later married with a kid. ...Yeah, Nagito won a five-bullet round of Russian Roulette, so consider me unimpressed.



Anyway a armored stallion walked in. He was strange looking he had a horn (if you could call it that looked like a spearhead to me), and bat wings.



Scarlet: Y’know, as armored stallions do. They don’t even bother using the door, instead phasing into the narrative from the ether.

JofY: Well, he is the night.



His fur was black, his eyes red, and a peach tail. His armor was an assortment of different hides, and cloths. When he opened his mouthe, and revealed a set of sharp teeth (you know like wolves have)



Scarlet: Wow, novelty vampire fangs!

SC276: You worked in the royal guard at the beginning of the first story, and you don’t know the night shift?



Dinky was starting to cry, but Ditzy comforted her as I approached the stallion. "Who are you, and you've frightened my daughter so what do you need?" I asked him. He replied with a voice that sounded like a mix of crazy and angry.



Scarlet: Wait this guy walked in and you don’t know him? I was kidding about the ether bit!



"The mare with no face has been spotted by the guards it killed three of them, but the forth got away." he said.



Scarlet: Hoooo boy.

SC276: That doesn’t answer his question, jerk.



"This can't be happening. Alright I'll get some help, and get rid of it. By the way I didn't catch your name." I said.



"Names Midnight Black got it." said Midnight Black.



Scarlet: Why are you acting on the information of a crazy werewolf?

CaptainPipsqueak: Let me ask you a question: What else has this dope done right today?

SC276: Or for the past seven-plus years?



"Okay I'll be right out. Dinky, Ditzy a dangerous creature was seen near the edge of the forest got to go.



SC276: You mean the Everfree? Which has nothing but dangerous creatures plus Zecora? Come to think of it, how are the Main 4 dealing with all this, what with two of their number dead, not to mention the first one being a murderous psychopath?



Oh and Dinky keep that binder on you at all times! Daddy loves you." I said leaving home for the last time.



Scarlet: Wait, are you narrating this story after your death? What?

SC276: What is this binder even? Is it the stupid cloak thing that has the Element of Loyalty in it for rainbow sword thing that I don’t even remember if it did anything? Until anything’s stated otherwise, I’m assuming it’s like the notebook weapon from Undertale.



Town



JofY: So, not Ponyville?

CaptainPipsqueak: No, this is Town. Just ‘Town.’ They’re hoping for a citizen influx so they can one day change the name to ‘City’.



"Okay you've all been briefed now you know that this "slenderpony" has been killing our people that I will not stand for!



JofY: “It’s totally a monster that’s killing everyone I hate! Not me!”



Now I know I should bring more ponies, but I trust you four the most!" I said to my group it consisted of Twilight (who was now an alicorn),



Scarlet: Oh that happened I guess. No significant change here, moving on!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, it doesn’t involve him so it’s just some thing, y’know?

SC276: Twilight’s ascension involved all six of the Elements in one place when she cast that incomplete spell, and Sabre’s been holding one for the last seven years. Furthermore, it also involved all five of her friends swapping cutie marks. Was it just traded off between the remaining ones?



Rairity, Fluttershy (she's just coming if we run into any animals),



CaptainPipsqueak: “Yes, we plan to feed her to them as we make our escape.”



and Midnight Black because he's being forced to help."



SC276: The plot hates him as much as it hates us.



I said he gave me a glare, but I kept talking until we got geared up, and headed into the forest.



SC276: Wait, was there a quote started at some point why am I even trying.



The Forest thirty minutes in



CaptainPipsqeak: So we’ve gone from ‘Town’ to ‘The Forest’. These people need someone with imagination to name places. if the place actually was called ‘The Forest thirty minutes in’ I might give them a bit of credit in that respect.



"Okay I think were hear."



SC276: If I tried to pun off every blatant misspelling, we’d be here until New Years.



I whispered to my group as we advanced into the ruined castle. When we got inside we looked for evidence of the Slendermare. Just then we had our first casualty. A black tentacle sprung out of a hallway,



JofY: I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going!

SC276: Why yes there is in a hallway in the middle of the freakin’ woods.



and impaled Rairity then slamming her into a wall leaving a bloody splat on the surrounding area.



SC276: And now I’m of the impression that the rest of the Mane 6 are going to die in the next five minutes. So… everyone wins the bet apparently.



The nex one slammed into me it didn't even puncture me, but I was sent sprawling onto the stone. Next it grabbed Fluttershy, and squeezed until she stopped moving. Twilight and Midnight rushed the hall when the pony showed her self. It was around Celestias height with a bald head, it was also wearing a suit. Two more tentacles came from it's back one breaking through Twilights skull, the other slamming Midnight into a spike on the wall.



JofY: Spike, no!

CaptainPipsqueak: Spike, yes!

SC276: ...OK, everyone who bet on someone besides Pinkie, I don’t think she’s even shown up in these.



I arose, and took a stance when it walked forewords.



JofY: Well, then I guess the spike he landed on must have been shoved up his ass!



"Now you've done it!" I yelled powering myself with my element. "Now I kill YOU!"



CaptainPipsqueak: EXCITEMENT!



I charged it dodging tentacles left, and right slicing at a few only to see my blade pass harmlessly through them.



"No I kill you." I heard in my head was "it" talking to me. It lifted me up, and pulled me up to his faceless face. In my last moments I lit my horn picking the elements from my armor, and my friends jewelry, and teleporting them away.



"You'll still die, but not by my hooves. But Di..."



JofY: “But Dio will still defeat you Joestar!”

CaptainPipsqueak: "WRYYY!"



I was cut off by a tentacle snapping my neck. It dropped me, and just vanished.



SC276: If the first person narrator is dead, doesn’t that mean the story’s over?



The Cottage



SC276: Well fuck.



"I'm afraid to inform you Miss. Doo, but I'm afraid Sabre has died."



CaptainPipsqueak: Sadness.



said a guard that had came to deliver the news. Ditzy just sat there tears welling up in her eyes.



"Mommy is it true?" asked Dinky. Ditzy just started sobbing running off to her room. "No daddy no!"



JofY: Yes daddy yes!



cried Dinky at the thought of her father dead. Still crying the stallion dropped a package in front of Dinky.



JofY: It’s the remaining pieces of your father!



"You're father told me to give this to you if he didn't come back. Sorry for your loss." he said trotting off.



SC276: Well lucky for the plot that this particular random guard was the one sent to deliver the bad news.



Dinky stopped crying for a second to examine the box it was way to big for her to carry on her own, but she managed with some magic. She opened it finding a sack of bits, a large ornate box, and guard armor with six slots, three on each side built for a mare.



"What the hay." she said opening the box seeing the Elements of Harmony along with a note.



JofY: “Would you like to be spiritually awakened? Well then, all you need to do...”



"Dear Dinky if you are reading this I was killed by the Slendermare.



SC276: I’m wondering how many more ponies died while this guy was preparing his inheritance, which also includes the things that couldn’t possibly be there when he went in, also where the fuck is Pinkie.



I've left you a few thousand bits,



JofY: Few thousand bits!? Please for the love of… tell me you put it in a bank account where she can only access it when she’s older.



some custom armor, and the elements. Wait till you're fourteen then don the suit, place all the elements in there respective places, and avenge me.



JofY: “Become vengeful, blinded by your own rage.”

SC276: Well that’s one way of turning people to the Dark Side.



I've also left a book of combat spells in the box. Please don't moarn me just train, and study, and most importantly never loose those pages.



JofY: “Never loosen those pages! They’re very tight right now, and keep it that way!”



Love Daddy"



Tears running down her face Dinky muttered "Yes father."



Chapter 2 Royal business



Canterlot



"I can't belive she's dead.



JofY: Personally, I can’t believe it’s not butter.



After all she's been through just to be dusted aside as if she were an insect. Goodbye Twilight." said Celestia just reading the letter that arrived just minutes ago. Rage building inside she was about to hunt the beast when a small light purple unicorn filly walk into the room.



JofY: If memory serves me, isn’t this supposed to be seven years after the previous story?

SC276: I’m fairly sure Sabre is supposed to be Dinky’s father, so she’s less than seven. In which case, how the fuck did she get to Canterlot, much less an audience with the princess? In mourning?



"Princess I have come hoping you could teach me in your school." I asked.



SC276: [Celestia] “Y’know, you could just apply at the school, I don’t personally approve every student.”



"Why Dinky it's been awhile. I'm so sorry for your loss."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia]: “I hope my clumsy monotone delivery of that statement puts across to you how much the death of your mother hurt me.”



said Celestia Dinky mearly said.



"Is that a yes or a no?" she asked. Celestia breathed in.



"Yes my dear Dinky."



JofY: “Nevermind the fact that you currently have enough bits to get a teacher to teach you magic, and your yourself have not yet actually displayed any special talents in magic. Sure, I’ll teach you magic.”



Ditzy's Cottage Five Years Later



SC276: I’m fairly sure this fic is tied with the last in terms of no one has any idea how the plot works.



Ditzy was just talking with some of Dinky's school friends Sweetiebelle, Scootaloo, and Applebloom



SC276: Yes, those three are definitely attending Celestia’s magic school. Even though Apple Bloom probably has extra work on the farm without her big sister, I’m not entirely sure Sweetie Belle would still be in Ponyville, and who knows what’s been up with Scootaloo after the first story.



when a knock was heard at the door. "Now who could that be?" said Ditzy leaving the conversation to answer the door. She opened the door, and saw no pony so she returned to the former Cutie Mark Crusaders they had gotten their cutiemarks.



CaptainPipsqueak: Excitement. *yawn*



Scootaloo had a tire that seemed to be riding through fire, Sweetie had a music note with two small hearts on either side, and Applebloom had two hammers crossing (guess what) an apple (shocker).



JofY: (face of surprisement)

SC276: Season 5 saves the day again.



Later that night Ditzy could hear strange noises coming from down stairs. She got out of bed, put on her night robe, and walked down the stairs.



When she reached the bottom a strange pony was standing just in the corner of her eye!



JofY: Look out! It’s an OC!

SC276: Look out! It’s Osmosis Jones!



When she turned she saw nothing. Taking it as her eyes playing tricks on her she turned around to go back to her room she came face to no face with Slendermare! "NO!"



JofY: “I don’t have a pen on me! I’ve wanted your autograph for so long!”



she yelled turning around to run it mearly teleported in front of her. It's skin tore open were its mouth would've been revealing a set of black sharp teeth, and then a void.



CaptainPipsqueak: What is it with voids in the recent stories?



"HELP ME!" she yelled as she ran again stopped by the pony.



SC276: This author is beyond help.



As she started to only see static she knew in her heart she was doomed. "Goodbye Dinky. Goodbye Sparkler." she said tears running down her face before she fell over dead.



SC276: So… why is Slenderman hunting down Dinky’s family again?

JofY: Because it needs to be as tragic as possible.



Canterlot



"All right class that's all for today you can head home for the day." said Celestia as class ended that day. I was nearly big enough to wear the armor my dad gave me.



SC276: Fuck, she inherited her father’s first-person narrator genes.



It seemed to grow is I grow to so I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to fit in it. Anyway as I approached the front door it was night time, and Celestia was just going to bed. As I walked up to the house I heard a scream saying.



"Goodbye Dinky, goodbye Sparkler. Mommy loves you."



JofY: (rereads the previous scene) Wow. Couldn't even fully copy and paste?



I heard this, and barged into the house only to see Slendermare. It turned to see me showing me it's new mouth,



CaptainPipsqueak: It was chrome, lined with flame decals and bitchin’ cool.

JofY: It got the need for speed.

SC276: How to tell when someone’s a vore artist.



but I wasn't scared I was angry!



SC276: Insert lines from the Emperor here.



For I saw my mothers dead body at its hooves. It's tentacles came out, and lashed out at me before a strange barrier blocked them it was a light purple color just like "Dad." I said knowing he was protecting me.



SC276: Even when the bastard’s dead, he’s curbstomping.



As he instructed I had the binder on me, but when I took it out the creature reeled back, and ran into the wall vanishing. I fell to the ground, and passed out.



SC276: I think the story’s getting to be too much for her.



Ponyville Hospital



"Ugh my head." I said as I sat up in my hospital bed.



JofY: She then got a headrush, and proceeded to faint.

SC276: So apparently according to the author, Ponyville and Canterlot are the exact same place.



I held my right hoof against my head trying to remember what exactly happened last night when I saw a stallion in armor talking to a doctor.



"I can't just let you in there your not even related!" said the doctor. You see only family, and close family friends approved by either the one in the bed, or a relative can see a patient.



CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you, Captain Knowlege!



"Royal Business."



CaptainPipsqueak: [Doctor]: “The bathroom is down the hall and through the door on the left. Be sure to wash your hooves when you’re done.”



said the stallion his voice was different. I was thinking he'd better not come in here who knows who he is besides I just need time to think. That's when Midnight Black walked into the room. "Miss me."



JofY: ...Who are you again?

SC276: I thought he died. Along with the rest of the Mane 6 and the dad.



Chapter 3 Getting Even



Celestias School for gifted Unicorns Courtyard



"And it is my pleasure to graduate these students from my academy knowing that they have the knowledge needed for an adept unicorn in our world! First graduate Dinky Celestial Doo!" said Celestia at the schools graduation.



SC276: Who has a middle name like “Celestial”? Y’know, besides new age retro hippies?



I've been training for seven years now, and right after the ceremony I'm getting even with a certain faceless mare.



SC276: Gheeze, not even going to have a graduation party or anything where you get animation software and your first iPod as gifts?



It's been seven years since my father died, two since my mom died. Anyway Im big enough to fit in the armor my dad gave me, and the elements were in place. I still don't know why there was a sun shaped slot in the front.



JofY: ...So, Celestia is dead.



As I got my diploma I said goodbye to Celestia, and ran out the door.



JofY: No! Wait, the door’s stil- [BLAM] ...closed.

SC276: And you’re the first to get the diploma, right? So you literally just ditched the graduation ceremony of your entire class. Jerk move, girl. You’ve been waiting seven years, what’s an hour or three more?



Midnight Black was waiting outside strapped to a chariot with Scoots, Sweetiebelle, and Applebloom on it. They were all outfitted in guard armor with spears strapped to their sides.



JofY: Because they’re the type to want to join the army.

SC276: Cutie Mark Crusaders Creepypasta Fighters YAY!



"Alright girls let's do this!" I said as Midnight flew to words the Everfree Forest. You might think why are they risking their lives to help you? I'll tell you the Slendermare killed Sweetiebelles sister Rairity, Sabre my dad is Scootaloo's cousin,



JofY: ...Wasn’t that Rainbow Dash? I mean, yes, he killed her… But I don’t think that inherits the title.

SC276: I can’t believe Scootaloo, Chereliee, and Sabre all being related is the one thing from the past fics that I freakin’ remember.



and Appleblooms sister Applejack was killed in the battle for Ponyville fighting along Sabre. So they want this (censor) to die.



JofY: “We need to kill the censoring! Their control of modern media has gone on far enough!”

CaptainPipsqueak: You know; I’ve actually stopped registering when the author does something like this now.



The Cottage



I went into my old room for one last time grabbing a picture of my family having a picnic in Canterlot one evening. I sighed remembering the good old days before "it" came into the picture.



JofY: “Now there’s balloons floating everywhere!”

CaptainPipsqeak: Everything floats here.



I put the picture into my saddlebags, and returned to the chariot.



SC276: Foreshadowing, or meaningless scene in an attempt to increase the drama we don’t give a fuck about? Place your bets!



Canterlot



Celestia was just getting done with her duties of raising the sun, and was jotting her signature on some papers when a guard walked in. He was covered in blood, he was muttering something about a mare with no face. Before she could even approach him he collapsed. Celestia checked for a pulse, and found nothing when she looked up her face met a tentacle moving at several hundred miles an hour. There was a scream, and a crunch. Equestria just lost a princess.



CaptainPipsqueak: That’s okay, it was only Celestia.

JofY: I’d like to point out that CALLED IT!

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh come on; this story’s handing out deaths like free cookie samples. It’s only a wonder she lasted this long.

SC276: Why, even? What reason would a child-obsessed creepypasta monster go after Celestia? And let me guess, Equestria falls into chaos because the author forgot Luna exists.



Everfree Forest



"Alright let's do this." I said with my group behind me.



SC276: Y’know, if the monster’s in Canterlot performing an assassination, it probably means it’s not in the forest.



We approached the abandoned castle looking around carefully so that they wouldn't join their family in death so soon. As we walked along I saw the corpse. There was an alicorn with a hole in her head I recognized her instantly. "Princess!"



JofY: Celestia always had a hole in her head, right?

SC276: Orrrrrr I remember this author has no sense of spacial relations.



I said running to my dead mentor I was on the verge of tears. The sadness was replaced by rage as I knew who did this. "Come out Slendermare, and face me! Or are you afraid to get your flank kicked?" I said my request answered when a tentacle tripped Sweetiebelle, and flung her against the wall.



SC276: It didn’t immediately kill her with tentacle stabbity like a bitch like it did with every adult in this series because *jazz hands*.



"Sweetie!" said the remainder of the cmc drawing their spears. I teleported besides them, and used a spell my dad always used. I created a yellow sword around my horn.



"She's dead." I said my head down.



JofY: My god! Event comics kill at a slower rate than this fic does! Scratch that, gore fics kill at a slower rate!

SC276: She’s at least seventeen or so by now! How the fuck does she die from tripping?!



"Don't say that!"



JofY: “She’s only mostly dead!”



Applebloom yelled at me when she tried to run to her friends side Midnight blocked her.



"I've died before I know what death feels like, and she is dead."



JofY: ...You know, that could honestly be what it reads as, and we may never know.

CaptainPipsqueak: That...doesn’t really help describe the situation to Apple Bloom.

SC276: So you did die, which means you’re living now because fuck this story.



he said before he looked at Appleblooms unmoving body "Applebloom you okay?" without an answer she fell. I ran up to her, and looked into her eyes sure enough they looked like a tv when you put magnets next to it.



CaptainPipsqueak: O...kay?

SC276: There’s been no prior indication that TVs exist in Equestria. In this story.



Now she's dead.



CaptainPipsqueak: So another Apple has fallen from the tr...No.

JofY: What? Did she just get a heart attack?



"Scootaloo behind me." said Midnight terrified she obeyed.



A figure came out of the shadows and said "Hello my little pests."



CaptainPipsqueak: ~I used to wonder what infestation could be/And then you shared your flea-bitten ways with me…~

SC276: Why is it bothering with talking instead of just killing them?



Chapter 4 The Final Battle



CaptainPipsqueak: Liar! LIAR!



Slendermare's Lair



If Midnight wasn't there I would've been impaled. Slendermare sent a tentacle in my direction I wasn't fast enough to dodge it, but Midnight Black jumped in the way getting his head torn off!



SC276: Second time’s the charm!



It flew into the air before it fell into his outstretched hoof. He put it back on the stump, and said "Hey guess what you already killed me. I'm already dead, and you can't kill what's already dead so you can't win." he said.



JofY: Oh please, over half of us here are dead, and you don’t see us winning anything.

CaptainPipsqueak: We don’t win anything for dying? Why that lying fuck...

SC276: Oh c’mon, I put up with enough “surviving decapitation” in that fic.



Clearly angry the creature ripped him apart limb from limb, but each time he just put them back on.



JofY: You do realize that tearing off the limbs is the type of method that kills this form of immortality, right?

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; he has to get his head cut off in order to die. There can be only one.

JofY: *looks up ~6 sentences* ...

CaptainPipsqueak: That cheating bastard. Must be using the Konami code.



"Gotta do better than that to beat me!" yelled Midnight as he charged the creature.



SC276: The only thing he fears is man’s gun and man’s fire.



He passed right through it, and got knocked out by getting his face slammed into a rock wall.



"Well that didn't last very long." I remarked.



CaptainPipsqueak: But more than long enough for us.



"I don't think we need witty remarks both of our friend jus "died" you heard me died!" she said raising her voice that was a bad idea. A tentacle flew at her she jumped up, and dodged it then shot herself at the creature.



SC276: Wait, who said that again?



Before I could stop her she was on a crash course for a stone wall. She passed through the creature, and ended up killing herself by slamming her head into a stone wall.



SC276: Well, that’s a Darwin Award right there.



I just said "YOU KILLED SCOOTALOO YOU MONSTER!" to the creature.



JofY: “The others I only sort of cared about, BUT SCOOTALOO!?! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE! SHE! WAS! MY! WAIFU!”

SC276: Tecnically, I think she killed herself...



Yawning sounded in my head as I said that. The Slenderpony said "Time for you then I suppose."



"Bring it." I said, but instead of being attacked I heard a sound like breaking glass looking at the ground I saw fragments of gems. "Well (censor) me." I said.



JofY: You just did it yourself.



A tentacle slammed into my chest sending me flying back. I caught my hoofing, and aimed a blast of energy at the creature sending volley after volley of yellow magic beams. Each one sailing through it. "Ah come on!" I said.



SC276: I see she’s honoring the dead with a Sweetie Belle impression.



Another tentacle grabbed my leg, and threw me at the back wall.



SC276: This kills Sweetie Belle but not her because this fic hates its readers.



I got up, and felt a sudden jolt of pain. I looked down, and saw my leg bent in an awkward angle. The Slenderpony materialized in front of me, and said "My my how pathetic just like your parents. Shame I thought you'd of been a tad bit stronger." it said. I got up ignoring the pain, and stared down the demon



SC276: Literally the only reason the fic will have Dinky win is because the villain keeps monologuing instead of killing her.

JofY: To be fair, you wouldn’t know that he was evil if not for the fact that he was evil. After all, he just wants to end this story.



"Don't you DARE TALK about my parents like that.



JofY: [Slenderpony] “Yeah, well, I double dare you to talk about your parents like that!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “I double-dog dare you!”

SC276: [Slenderpony] “Dee-double-dog dare you!!”



You do it again I'll have to kill you."



"Fine your parents were... Bam!" Slendermare was cut off by a hoof surprisingly connecting with its chin sending it sprawling onto the floor.



"You insufferable PEST!" it said.



SC276: [Slendermare] “How dare you find the plot power necessary to be able to hit me!”



"I will devour you soul... Bam!"



CaptainPipsqueak: *WHAM!* *POW!* *ZAPPO!*

JofY: *ORA- No… those are for awesome moments.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh come on; you can never go wrong with 60’s Batman fight sounds.

SC276: To the Batmobile! It might have a better story!



in came another punch sending the demon onto the ground again. The Slendermare teleports to the other side of the room. "You will die!"



"No you will."



JofY: Plot twist: This is all a kindergarten spat.



I said bringing out the Elements Of Harmony from my bags. I inserted them into my armor. "I brought extra."



"Impossible I destroyed them. There can't be more." it said.



"You really didn't know. These things are pretty much indestructible."



JofY: You get an Element of Harmony! You get an Element of Harmony! Everyone gets an Element of Harmony!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Charlie Brown]: “I got a rock…”

SC276: Did the superpowered creepypasta not figure that Sabre teleported them away, or is the author seriously retreading the climax of the two-part series premiere?



I said "Oh and I've got one more surprise." I said bringing out my old binder. It's cover was worn, but other than that it was in good shape.



"No. You can't!" It said.



JofY: “No! Not old school notes!”



"You know I've never known what these pages were for till a few moments ago.



SC276: So it is an actual notebook thing! That would’ve been nice to know before now!



They are for killing you." I said levitating the pages in a circle around me.



"How did you get those?" It asked.



"Let's just say they were a gift." I said before sending a bolt of pure energy at the creature. A hole appeared in its chest, and it fell limp.



JofY: That was easy.



The End



SC276: Cease with your lies.



I stumbled the adrenalin gone I was now in pain, and tired, but worst of all sad. My friends were just murdered in front of me, and I just stood there! Stood there, and watched.



JofY: It’s almost like their deaths were immensely stupid or something.



I sat there crying everyone I knew, or loved was dead. I blacked out.



CaptainPipsqueak: Hey. Hey hey. No. You just said The End. I call for a penalty foul.

SC276: Trainer Dinky blacked out!



Hospital



"Well looks like she's coming to! Miss she's coming to!" said an over excited doctor.



JofY: *audible wink*



I opened my eyes to see a smiling stallion inches from my face. I did the only sensible thing



SC276: Now’s not the time to start that.



I punched him in the face. He fell back holding his muzzle whimpering. "Ow ow ow!" he said "Un called for."



SC276: So was that space.



"Well you were uncomfortably close to my face." I said in a sarcastic tone.



JofY: “Baka...”



"Sorry got carried away. By the way I'm Doctor Gem." said Gem



JofY: “And yes, my brother’s name, is Stoned.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Little was anyone aware that he was a hologram.



"And a pony by the name of Lyra is here to pick you up, and you better my brother Slappy Hooves will be here soon."



JofY: Why? Can anyone explain the reasoning behind any part of of this sentence.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m sure if you get drunk enough it’ll make perfect sense.

SC276: If you were trying to make a freakin’ Animaniacs reference, author, I’m getting you coal for Christmas.



I took a closer look at him, and saw that he looked just like The Doctor! But Doctor Gem was a unicorn, and his cutiemark was in fact a gem. He had white fur, and a red mane with red eyes.



SC276: The majesties of cut-and-paste background characters.



"Well nice to meet you." I said. Not knowing this wouldn't be the last time I saw him.



SC276: Because Dinky is psychic!



Lyra's home



Lyra's home wasn't much it was two story, with two bedrooms, her, and Bon-Bon share a room. I had the guest room it was small it just had a little bed, and little dresser. It had a teal carpet, and teal walls.



CaptainPipsqueak: “I personally found the room’s feng shui to be inadequate, but that wasn’t my business.”

SC276: I think this is the most description anything in this trilogy has ever got.



I sat down my bags, and plopped down in my new bed pondering what might happen next.



Location Unknown



"Hi audience I'm Midnight Black, and I'm being allowed to speak with you for the author.



CaptainPipsqueak: … *begins hyperventilating*

SC276: Is this guy the reincarnation of Mykan or something?!



Sorry for the delay he hasn't been feeling like writing for awhile, and so this chapter might be short.



CaptainPipsqueak: Please, by all means, feel like not writing again.



But don't worry Dinky's Adventures will be starting soon, and you don't want to miss it.



JofY: Seriously! Put it out of it’s misery now! Aim and shoot! Kill it!!! KILL IT!!!

SC276: I just got Minecraft, let me start laying TNT!



As for Slendermare I "sent" her to the comments section.



SC276: [comments section] “Well we don’t freakin’ want her!” ...Also, if the author’s implying that he’s responding as Slendermale in-character in the comments, I’m going to nuke something.



See you guys later."



The End



Crazy56U: (comes back) Good. So, anyway-



For now.



Crazy56U: Fuck off. So, anyway, now that the story’s over-



Bonus Chapter: Midnight Black



Crazy56U: I said fuck off! (leaves in a huff)

CaptainPipsqueak: Double-penalty! Story annulled!

SC276: The Story That Wouldn’t Die! Coming soon to a Satellite of Love near you!



Back at the castle



Slendermare had just gotten enough strength to heal her body from the wound the little pest of a unicorn had inflicted on her.



SC276: Of course that didn’t kill her.



"Now she's gonna get it."



SC276: I’m gonna get you, Kirby.



Slendermare thought to herself as she vanished into the shadows.



Unknown location



Slendermare had just walked out of the shadows, and was perplexed to see that she was not in the hospital, but instead was in some sort of a cave.



SC276: Is it The Cave?



She looked around before seeing an alicornic bat pony thing looking at her with a grin on his face. "We'll look who decided to drop by. I'll admit I wasn't at my full power back at your castle, but the author pulled some strings, and pumped me up a bit."



JofY: Author… are you giving your characters drugs?



said Midnight



SC276: How exactly is Midnight “alicornic,” whatever the hell that means? Also, is the author admitting that he brought the character back and couldn’t be assed to think of an in-universe reason?



"Let's dance!".



JofY: “I’ve got DDR set up in the back!”

SC276: You think a reporter with no soul could outdance Ulala?!



Slendermare sent a tentacle his way only for it to be deflected by a barrier of some sort. "Yawn. That's all you've got?" he said.



SC276: [Slendermare] “At least my ability pool is set. You’re pulling new shit out of thin air!”

JofY: [OC] “Yeah! But you're evil! That’s why you kill! I only kill for good reasons!”

[Slendermare] “So, should I bring out my tragic backstory now, or later?”

[OC] “...Crap.”



Slendermare was so angry she directly charged the stallion. Midnight looked ready to pounce, but instead he opened his mouth, and let his jaw sink to the ground. Slendermare tried to stop running, but it was to late she slid into his open maw. He chomped down with the sound you'd hear in a cartoon.



JofY: Okay, I have got to nominate this part, as the most stupidest part in this entire god damn fic.

SC276: Nomination seconded. Maybe Pinkie was transmuted into this guy.



He licked his lips before saying "Have fun in the comments."



Crazy56U: (comes back) ...did you. Seriously. Just rip off. THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC?!

Hell, not even the good Nostalgia Critic; the crappy post-”Demo Reel” one! THE FUCK.



The Comments section



Crazy56U: And, on that note- (gets up and leaves)



Slendermare awoke stuck in a frame of some sorts pondering were exactly this place was before seeing a sign that said "Comments? Well crap."



JofY: No, someone messed up the order. It’s the Crap Comments Well.



she said finally beaten.



JofY: Fallen… Are you going to make us riff the comments section?



Bonus Chapter: Slappy Hooves



JofY: *breaths in* END!!! END!!!

SC276: OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING WHORE!! *ding*



Ponyville Hospital



Slappy Hooves was just walking in when a teal unicorn skipped past him with a very depressed looking purplish unicorn in toe. Thinking of a way to cheer her up he did the one thing he was good at he slapped her. Not a hard slap mind you, but a playful one fallowed by a quick punch in the face.



JofY: Are… Are we going to have to pull out the overly gay stereotype here?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m vaguely shocked that we haven’t had to yet.

SC276: What is… There is no point to this character, nor any point to more freakin’ chapters after Dinky’s plot is done!



He looked up and said "What the hay. Just trying to cheer you up." she looked at him quizzically.



SC276: How the fuck would slapping someone cheer someone up in the first place?!



"By slapping me in the face?" she said "you wouldn't happen to be Slappy Hooves would you?" she asked.



"Why yes I would."



SC276: [Dinky] “Huh. I did not think that name would be so goddamn literal.”



"Well your brother is waiting for you room 209." she said.



"Thanks, and sorry for the Slapping thing though." said Slappy they parted ways, and Slappy headed to room 209.



JofY: ...so that entire scene… Heh... was pointless… *starts laughing mad*

Fallen Prime: I looked through the author’s other stories to be completely sure, and yes, THIS is the last of this series. The rest of their work isn’t related to any of what you riffed, and the fact that this last part came out in February of 2014 suggests we’ll never see Celestial Sabre again.

RingmasterJ5: Thank god. Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted by an entire third fic, next week brings something special, as Kudzu saw fit to write just about 10K more words of The Catch, just in time for the next multipart slot. It’s going to be great.

JofY: *currently laughing too hard to give an opinion*

CaptainPipsqueak: Something with a bit more zest? Riffing this was a bit like beating up a guy on crutches: easy and fun but you feel kinda bad about it later.

Crazy56U: This is a thing that happened. We should acknowledge that. There is nothing more to say.

JofY: *catches his breath* ...okay, this was hilariously bad. But I’m gonna go part by part. For the first one, we have Rainbow Dash just what I’m going to dub, ‘evil hovering’ where a character doesn’t really do anything, they’re just the villain. Anyways, she faces off the worst detective in Equestria, who pulls leads out of nowhere, and never seems to remember what he’s doing. For part two, we somehow ended up with Saber facing against a who kills things, while in part three they have a villain who kills things… wait… I do have to admit, that the third part is my favorite for just how asinine it is. The reason why I don’t yell in rage at this fic for including Slender when Displaced did it, is because this one actually tried to have Slender… Okay, it was as close to Slender as it got to spell and grammar checking, but at least this one hit the broadside of the 10 mile barn of what Slender is. However, in the end, this is not only crap. But it’s the kind of crap that you see everywhere, and I love that kind of crap the most.

Crazy56U: ...dude, I just said there’s nothing more to say, why.

JofY: ...because I always like to give my full opinion on things.

Crazy56U: Where do you get off being an insightful and verbose person?

JofY: Because, the author might have thought they were making good work. Or at the very least, may have not written their fan fiction at an attempt to punish. And because they may have genuinely been trying, they don’t deserve to completely mocked and ridiculed.

SC276: Also, I’ve already recycled all of the complaints I had out of my brain within two minutes of getting them as a means of safeguarding, so someone has to do it. At least Kudzu has proper sentence structure.

Scarlet: Yeah, but let’s be fair here. As much as I didn’t manage to finish this due to unexpectedly being summoned to the ninth circle of retail hell halfway through, this is… easily one of the best things we’ve ever riffed. The last Rainbow Factory sequel was plodding, terrible, and awkward. At least Celestial Sabre gets to the point in fewer words. We also had three silly action stories that mostly just suffer from the author’s inability to write a half-decent action sequence or properly build tone, mood, or any of the other details needed to immerse the reader. Standard badfic stuff, but like most badfics it’s just forgettable at its worst and charmingly terrible at its best. Not nearly as inherently funny as “A Displaced Monster”, but hey, I’ll give it credit: Nobody’s getting called a nice guy for not raping someone. Oh no, that’s for next week!

Crazy56U: For the record, I was being sarcastic.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Good job everyone, we got zero submissions in the right wordcount range in time for the second sampler.

Fallen Prime: This is my applause face.

RingmasterJ5: We only needed two, since we already had a Mykan one for the “previous author” slot, but we didn’t get anything. So, we’re moving it to… I would say the 22nd of this month, but that’s Christmas week. Should we even run anything then?

Fallen Prime: The following update actually lands ON a holiday. There’ll be plenty of time for people to pop in between Christmas and then, assuming they don’t swarm it at launch.

RingmasterJ5: Okay, then you guys have three more weeks. Find SOMETHING. In the meantime, speaking of Christmas… this thing.

Fallen Prime: I have been told very little other than that it’s a compilation of Hearth’s Warming shorts starring the mane six and their OC boyfriends. And also Nyx, from the looks of the first few paragraphs. Hey Crazy, remember HER?

RingmasterJ5: This is one of those times, like the Fazpony fic, where we’re throwing you all into a spinoff fic of a much longer continuity without any context.

Fallen Prime: Which we also more or less did with “The Catch.” And look what miracles we’ve made with that.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Without further ado, “Spirit of Hearth’s Warming Eve Shorts” by Power Master.

Crazy56U: (pops up) Someone say my name?

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re Power Master? Unclean! UNCLEAN!

Crazy56U: (scoff) I wish. It’s give me something to talk about, at least.

Topher: (falls headfirst from the chimney, in a Santa costume) I don’t know who Nyx is, but I get the feeling that by the end of this, everyone’s getting coal. Except instead of coal, it’s lead. And it’s moving at high speed.



Author's Notes:



It's not gonna be long chapters but short only.



Crazy56U: What, do you hate the concept of “middle-sized”?

CaptainPipsqueak: He’s not of the ‘glass half-full’ school of thought.

Crazy56U: No, it’s “glass half-empty”.

JofY: Personaly, I think that it’s half-full, half-filled with air.

SC276: I’ve been told it’s a bunch of shorts all put in one chapter, so I don’t think it’s either.

Bucephalus: If it was only one chapter, wouldn’t that mean it would be one short chapter that let us go home early?



One simple short for Mane Six's Boyfriends about special Christmas to the former.



Crazy56U: Oh. ...it’s one of those stories…

Captainipsqueak: Eeyup.



Short 1: The Perfect Gift



SC276: The fic’s ending early?

Crazy56U: Corn?

CaptainPipsqueak: A giant container of almond roca?



As the snow rained down from the clouds



Crazy56U: I... I think you just made a meteorologist cry...

Captainpipsqueak: Oh hail no.



above the land, its the city and land were covered in white.



SC276: Oh joy, OCxCanon, and the author couldn’t write a grammatically-correct sentence to save his life. This is gonna be a real treat.

Crazy56U: Apparently the author was dabbling in a bit of the white stuff while writing this…

CaptainPipsqueak: Glue?

DaeCat: So you’re telling me, the land’s land was covered in white? Makes sense to me.



The Hearth's Warming Eve was here,



Crazy56U: (deadpan) Don’t you mean Christmas?

CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Christ… mas?’ What is this… ‘Christmas’ you speak of?

Crazy56U: It’s the day Santa Claus gave birth to Jesus Christ, obviously, that’s why

we celebrate with presents and commercialism.

CaptainPipsqueak: Thank you; the image of a man giving birth will keep me cold

tonight.

Crazy56U: You asked for it.



a very special yet meaningful holiday for both Equestria Ponies to enjoy since the formation of Equestria.



SC276: All two of them.

Captainpipsqueak: And even then they’re unsure what to get the other.

Crazy56U: You know, on the topic of Hearth’s Warming, I’ve gotta ask: I know it’s the Christmas analogue, but does it double as the Thanksgiving analogue too? Does

Equestria even have Thanksgiving?

JofY: It was a wonderful time for both two Equestria Ponies,

Scarlet: Equestrian Thanksgiving is generally rolled into all the other holidays that ponies are thankful not to be eaten.

CaptainPipsqueak: They serve cupcakes during this occasion. The irony is lost on nopony.

Bucephalus: Ew.



But it was also for Mystic Ponies to enjoy as well.



Crazy56U: “Mystic Ponies”? ...do you mean “unicorns”?

CaptainPipsqueak: But unicorns are so… common.

Crazy56U: ...no, that would be earth ponies, friend…

Scarlet: My Little Pony: Mystic Force is known to most fans as the downturn of the franchise.

Crazy56U: Huh, I thought it was My Little Pony: Operation Overdrive…

CaptainPipsqueak: No, you’re thinking “My Little Pony Xtreme.”

JofY: Then what happened to My Little Pony: Zexal?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh, don’t even get me started…

Bucephalus: Oh no. This is like Mykan’s stuff. Run for your lives!

DaeCat: Decoder time: I smell unicorn supremacy.



At Ponyville; Twilight, Spike and Nyx were walking down the street.



Crazy56U: Given the weird ass prose and the shameless cribbing from “Past Sins”, I

wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that Power Master is friends with JusSonic…

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah, crap; it’s a Nyx story… That’s what I get for not reading the

opening.

RingmasterJ5: It wouldn't be an F/F/T3K Holiday Special without copious amounts of regret.

Crazy56U: (pained) Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la-la-la-laaaa…

CaptainPipsqueak: “So Twilight and Nyx walk into a bar…”

JofY: “They say: Ow.”

Bucephalus: Then every shadow villain ever follows them and sues Nyx. The end.



They looked on both sides as they were searching and looking for something important gift for Shadow Dragon.



Crazy56U: ...I swear to God, if turns out that I’m right…

RingmasterJ5: Oh, hey, turns out you are.

Crazy56U: (pained) O-oh... J-joy... (eyes begin bleeding)

Sigma: Why does Fire Emblem need gifts.

JofY: I’m wondering why they’re looking for a gift to give an entire sub-species.

Scarlet: And I’m wondering which of the Mane Six has standards so low that they’re dating the draconic version of Shadow the Hedgehog.

SC276: I do not have nearly enough evens to deal with this. I mean, I can’t speak completely against OCxCanon without being hypocritical, but does it have to be with someone with such a stupid name?



As they continued walking, they were greeted by Ponyville Citizens.



Crazy56U: And they were armed with pitchforks and torches. Clearly they took

advantage of the Black Friday sales... ...wait, fuck, does Equestria have Black Friday?

CaptainPipsqueak: Black Magic Friday, yes.

Crazy56U: Great, now I’m imaging the Battle of Hogwarts, but done inside a Walmart

over cheap deals.

JofY: “I summon the great TV that is of terrible quality and I’m only buying because it’s 20% off! Slay my enemies! I command it!”

SC276: OK, let’s read that fic instead.

Scarlet: Fools. The true power of Black Friday comes through the human suffering of those who worked it. Actually, it’s a ritual designed to revitalize the powers of dark magic held every year.

SC276: Dammit, now I’m regretting that I stayed at home instead of going to the local Target that day to watch the chaos.



Nyx bounced happily before moving to the front as she asked curiously, "So mommy, what gifts are you going to give to daddy?"



Crazy56U: My guess? A subpoena.

CaptainPipsqueak: A ball-gag and handcuffs.

JofY: A pon- Wait…

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Have I ever told you how ‘divorces’ work, Nyx?”

DaeCat: Weird how Nyx assumes there will be more than one gift to Daddy.

Topher: So does this mean he won’t get mouth present this year?



Twilight hummed softly as she was having some thoughts, "I'm not very sure, but hopefully it's the best."



Crazy56U: Still guessing subpoena…

Scarlet: I’ve taken the liberty of filling one out just in case.

DaeCat: Yes Twilight, make sure ‘it’s’ the best gifts. I knew the multiple gifts remark wasn’t useless.

Topher: Of course! a hummer!

CaptainPipsqueak: The vehicle or a blowjob? Because really, it could be either.



She snickered a bit, "When having a mistletoe above on both of us, he's gonna be surprise and happy for it."



Crazy56U: Surprise? He’s going to become Surprise? Are you ripping off that story

where Pinkie turns out to be Twilight’s imaginary friend?

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I liked that story.

Crazy56U: So do I. Hence me being pissed over the potential plagiarism...

SC276: Is that anything like becoming hope so he can be retconned from existence?

JofY: So, is the gift going to be that Twilight is only going to allow her husband to kiss her once? I guess once you're an alicorn you can make others do whatever you want.

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Only for a bit, mind you. Then the drugs will start to take effect.”

Bucephalus: My new year's resolution is going to be burning every piece of mistletoe in existence.

Topher: Sounds like my kinda holiday!



Spike smirked, "Why do I get the feeling you really want that so much?"



Twilight giggled in amusement, "He is my love. And I love him."



SC276: He’s also repetitive.

Crazy56U: ...still still guessing subpoena…

Bucephalus: Can we just pretend that Twilight’s got Ebola and this is her terrible fever dream?



She sighed, "I still don't know what gifts he'll like."



Crazy56U: (is about to say something) ... ... (decides against it)

CaptainPipsqueak: I think I already covered that for you. You’re welcome.

SC276: He’s your boyfriend you love, and you have no idea what his interests are?

JofY: Do you think he’s interesting enough to have interests?

Bucephalus: Madam, if you need something for your love, may I suggest these pamphlets on poorly written characters?



"Speaking of gifts, where are daddy and Lance? I haven't seen them since this morning," Nyx asked.



RingmasterJ5: Oh fuck, Lance? Please don’t be the one I’m thinking of, please don’t be the one I’m thinking of…

Crazy56U: …”Arrow”-Lance, I take it? ...I mean, I haven seen “Arrow” yet, only the “Flash” spinoff, but...

RingmasterJ5: No, this is ponyfic we’re talking about, I mean the one from *shudder* Living the Dream.

Crazy56U: I… think I know that one… ...did some OC fuck Rainbow in that, and they had a child?

RingmasterJ5: No, Rainbow TRIED to fuck the OC, then murdered him (accidentally) when he rejected her.

Crazy56U: ...well, then.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, the papers called her “The Twenty-Percent Killer.”

Scarlet: I’m just going to hold out hope that Rainbow’s actually dating the Elite 4 member.

SC276: Talk about Bad Dragon...





Twilight hummed in concern, "I don't know. I just hope he doesn't push himself hard to get a good one for me.



Crazy56U: This is now reminding me of “Jingle All the Way”, and I’m kind of scared

about that implication.

Scarlet: Hey, at least we aren’t doing “Eight Crazy Nights”.

Bucephalus: At least Jingle All the Way had ‘put that cookie down.’

Topher: POOT EET DOUN! NAUGH!



Tao did mention whenever something special event happens, Shadow Dragon determined to get it done."



Crazy56U: I barely know who Shadow Dragon is, who the fuck is Tao?! Is it Shadow

Dragon’s imaginary friend or something? Is this actually meant to be a ripoff of

“Petriculture”?!

Scarlet: Taokaka, no! There’s bound to be new Blazblue material at some point, you don’t have to cameo here!

SC276: Especially not the one character from that series I actually kinda know!

Bucephalus: Guys… I’m scared. So many poorly written characters. Help!



"Hopefully not paranoid as you," Spike joked.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(adjusts her tin-foil hat) And what’s that supposed to mean?”



Twilight, Spike and Nyx laughed happily and amusement of what Spike had mention about.



RingmasterJ5: I’ve been trying to parse the last three sentences for nearly five minutes now and I STILL have no fucking clue what they mean.

Crazy56U: It’s fun to laugh at someone’s paranoia.

Scarlet: [Twilight, Spike, Nyx]: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Bucephalus: Screw this. I’m going to go get a True Pacifist ending on Undertale. At least that makes sense.

DaeCat: [Twilight]: “Spike, that was a happy and amusement what you did mention about. Hold on, are we all the cardboard made of? I think we are all the cardboard made of.”



At the Jewelry Shop, Shadow Dragon was looking at the shinny



Crazy56U: ...ew?

Scarlet: Somebody stole my collection of shins! The nerve!

SC276: “You’ve got the Shinning!” “You mean the Shining.” “Shhh! You wanna get sued?”

Bucephalus: What does a skeleton tile his roof with? SHIN-Gles.

Topher: *Skeletal Laughter*



yet various own colorful jewelries. He was looking at them carefully. They were too great and beautiful for him to choose and take for his somepony special.



JofY: And it’d be improper to say her name even in narration.

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, he’s flat fucking broke.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or just doesn’t like her very much but is afraid to tell her.

DaeCat: So he just bought all of them. Good thing he’s a dragon.



Giving some irritated looks, he groaned in annoyance before slamming his head on the glass case.



Scarlet: [Shadow Dragon] “No, I can’t possibly pick one of these for my special somepony! They’re all far too nice for her!”

Crazy56U: And then the case smashed. Unfortunately, Shadow couldn’t take advantage of the situation and steal some jewelry… because he knocked himself out with that stunt.



"Hey buddy," Jewelry Shopkeeper exclaimed, "watch the glass. Or you'll be paying for that too."



RingmasterJ5: This story is slightly better if you imagine “Jewelry Shopkeeper” and “Ponyville Citizens” as single ponies with really unfortunate, specific names.

Crazy56U: Well, given that this is a world where “Shadow Dragon” and “Tao” are accepted names...

SC276: I’d like to hear Jewelry Shopkeeper’s backstory before the rest of this fic. Also, if this turns into Gift of the Magi, someone’s getting shanked.



Shadow Dragon sighed in annoyance before bowed in apologize to the shopkeeper.



Crazy56U: (SMASH!) Huh, I was joking that he’d do that...



Lance approached to his father from behind before patted on his back.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Approached to?”

Scarlet: “Bowed in apologise” as well, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Lance] “That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.”

SC276: British?

CaptainPipsqueak: The pig or Scarlet?

Bucephalus: Lance approached? He must be here to show off his dragon types!



"Dad, just choose," Lance begged, "Twilight likes anything.



JofY: It’s just a material representation of how much you truly care for her.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) What a whore! (ding!)

Bucephalus: Now, for every OOC moment. (Counts) 13473246 Extra sins. Amazing.



And by the way, why don't you just give the necklace you made five days ago for her? She loves it, like what my real mom likes it."



Scarlet: Twilight likes anything. Dead rats, river mud, bedspreads with King Sombra’s face on them- she isn’t picky.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “But I made that out of macaroni and my own tears!”

SC276: He cries you a sweater of tears...



Shadow Dragon sighed in defeat before looking at Lance, "That's different, Lance. Your mom don't mind of my necklace-made, but Twilight is different.



RingmasterJ5: ...is this story even English anymore?

JofY: She demands a 2 year salary gift!

Crazy56U: I’m... I’m pretty sure the author was drunk while writing this…

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re just grasping at straws; you know that, right?

SC276: So wait, he doesn’t mean his homemade necklaces are good enough for her? And what’s this about real mom? Is this guy a father with someone else and if that’s the case, why is he dating not her? At least Fazpony had just the one OC!

Bucephalus: Wait.. If Lance’s mother is still alive, his father is Shadow Dragon, and Shadow Dragon is dating Twilight and still gives gifts to Lance’s mother… Either Polygamy is legal in Equestria, or Shadow Dragon is cheating.

CaptainPipsqueak: the answer is, of course, ‘Yes.’ Just ‘Yes’.”



I have to be sure of getting a good one - no - great one too."



Scarlet: Contacting the Great Ones is notoriously difficult from the inside of jewelry stores, but I suppose it would explain why you needed “shinny” pieces.

CatainPipsqueak: Here’s hoping he summons one of the ones that make you go insane just by looking at them. Granted, that’s most of them, but still...

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Even if it means selling my bone marrow to be able to afford it, God damn it.”



As he turned to his right, Shadow Dragon gasped in shock and surprise.



JofY: He could turn to his right! He never knew he could do that!

CaptainPipsqueak: If he learns he can do that to the left, too, that’s gonna fuck his shit up.

SC276: What is this, Bunny Must Die!?

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Oh, shit! THE COPS!”



He looked at the beautiful yet sparkling lavender star necklace. Shadow Dragon pointed at the necklace. The Jewelry Shopkeeper took it out and gave Shadow Dragon and his son to look at it.



Scarlet: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “Do you like it? It’s a hundred percent paste!”

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “It’s 100% plastic!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Split the difference: pasteic.

Crazy56U: I’m more partial to plaste.



"So what do you think of it? It's wonderful and beautiful," Jewelry Shopkeeper smiled gleefully.



Shadow Dragon smiled, "It's perfect. This match Twilight's Cutie Mark."



CaptainPipsqueak: No, Twilight’s ‘mark is a group of stars. Firebug’s mark is a match.

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “O-oh, th-that’s a shock… T-totally not deliberate or a-anythin- SHUT UP!”

JofY: What? You think this doesn’t happen often? Look how much jewelry there is of the President.



"Hmm humph..." Lance nodded his head while looking at the necklace in both unpleasant and frown,



CaptainPipsqueak: God, it’s like watching the birth of a unique lifeform, isn’t it?

Scarlet: Will I have to fight it before the end of the story? Should I prep the Mobile Fortress?

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; Goku’ll just come along and Spirit Bomb it like he does every bad guy he fights. Spammer.

Crazy56U: It comes in Unpleasant and Frown?! Oh boy, such variety!!!

Bucephalus: It lives! It Lives! Ahahahahahahahaha!



"Yeah, it's cool. But don't you think that you're... over exaggerating about the 'gifts' for mom?"



"Exaggerating?! Excuse me! I'm not!"



Crazy56U: I kind-of agree… You’re more underexaggerating than anything else…

SC276: That would require anyone to figure out what’s going on in the first place.



Shadow Dragon sighed in annoyance. He turned to the shopkeeper and said, "I'll take it."



Scarlet: He then beheaded the shopkeeper with a single blow, lifting the necklace high in triumph.

Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “‘Kay! (bludgeons Shadow Dragon to death with the necklace)”

Bucephalus: Plot twist. It’s from that one shop in Harry Potter. Shadow Dragon was suddenly slain by Dark Magic.



Jewelry Shopkeeper smiled, "Sold!"



Crazy56U: [Jewelry Shopkeeper] “That’ll be $2,000,000!”



As both Shadow Dragon and Lance left the Jewelry Shop, they walked and headed off back to their home. Shadow Dragon took the Sparkling Star Necklace out while looking at it with his proud and glee smile. Lance gave the annoying looks.



Scarlet: A proud and glee smile? Yeah, I’d make sure to give someone my set of annoying looks too if they walked out with one of those. Smug bastard.

Crazy56U: Happiness is so annoying, am I right?

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if other people are feeling it.



"Your mother is gonna love it. I'm gonna make sure of it," Shadow Dragon said proudly.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, she’ll love it even if I have to kill her.

Crazy56U: Ooh boy, is he in for a disappointment...



Lance sighed, "Yeah sure, dad; why not? After all, she's the princess while you're the warrior. Your duty has to make sure that you get the right present for your princess..."



Scarlet: Actually, I believe that means his duty is to die horribly in combat for Twilight’s sake. I’m willing to assist!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a baseball bat) Same.

CaptainPipsqueak: Are chainsaws allowed, or is that considered unfair? Because I

have an axe if you’d rather that.

SC276: *pulls out a giant red button* This one’s more generic than most because this guy doesn’t have much of a personality to start with, but it’s going to be wicked.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah; an element of randomness. I like.



Shadow Dragon turned and glared at Lance, "I don't really appreciate your sarcasm about what I'm doing."



CaptainPipsqueak: But we sure do!

Crazy56U: Dude, just accept the fact that your son low-key hates you.



"Come on, dad. You're overreacting and exaggerating over a 'perfect' gift for mom. She likes anything. After all, she's my real mom's reincarnation. She's no different."



Scarlet: Huh. I did not know that an internet document could make a record scratch noise, but I think mine just did.

JofY: Okay, that’s too OC. You have to remove another or you’ll be overbalance.

Crazy56U: ...we’re still talking about Twilight Sparkle, right?

SC276: OK, things have just gone straight on into what-the-hell-ville.



"Like you know anything about-!"



BUMP!



CaptainPipsqueak: Everybody bump!

Crazy56U: (eyes begin bleeding in fear)

Scarlet: The moderators closed the thread a few minutes later for necroposting.

JofY: My soul died long ago.

Bucephalus: I sold mine to Chara.



Shadow Dragon and Lance got pushed back hard.



Crazy56U: It was a cop coming to arrest them for pirating music… I think, you can’t

really understand him...



As they recovered, Shadow Dragon noticed something missing on his hoof. The Sparkling Star Necklace was missing.



Scarlet: Aside from the thing missing on his hoof, I mean.

JofY: Twilight’s guard everybody! Easily stolen from.

Crazy56U: And that’s what you get for whipping it out in public, Shadow Dragon. ...wait…

Bucephalus: As was the rest of his hoof.



"Where's the necklace," Shadow Dragon asked in shock and worry.



SC276: Yep, commas communicate shock and worry perfectly.

Crazy56U: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked, as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension, suddenly, there was no necklace! There was no jewelry, no shinny, no thing called "Sparkling Star" to be held. There was nothing in the street but the puzzled ponies of courage, who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and snow! With the empty hoof, one cloud lifts, and another descends. The Sparkling Star Necklace, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size, some eight thousand inches away in the jewelry store, with no memory of where it has been, or how it was separated from its glass case! Then who, or what, has landed here? Is it here yet? Or has the cosmic switch been pulled? Case in point: The line between science fiction and science fact is microscopically thin! You have witnessed the line being shaved even thinner! But is the menace with us? Or is the necklace gone?

SC276: ...what? Did we wind up in Braid or something?

Crazy56U: Context.



Lance shrugged before turned to his back.



Crazy56U: Oh, then I guess I quoted the ending “speech” from “Monster a Go-Go” for no reason then, oh well!



He spotted a bluish Earth Pony with black spiky mane and short tail who was holding the stolen necklace while running away.



Scarlet: I’m starting to like Lance. He was totally ready to just walk out and end the story right there if it weren’t for the fact that the plot literally shoved itself in his face.

SC276: Did they not see who they bumped into or something, if it was strong enough to knock them back?

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “Off to the pawn shop!!!”

Bucephalus: So… Lance is literally just us in literary form?

CaptainPipsqueak: So that’s where the suicidal thoughts were coming from!



Lance gasped, "There! He has it, dad!"



Shadow Dragon turned and groaned in annoyance, "No one's gonna steal the 'perfect' gift from me!"



SC276: I love how “perfect” is in quotes- er, apostrophes like that because it’s more like a title than any actual indication of perfection.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “I’m gonna fucking kill him…”



"Here we go again," Lance said in annoyance.



Scarlet: Fortunately, Lance had a recording of the Benny Hill theme saved for just such an occasion.

CaptainPipsqueak: Everyone should. You’d be amazed how much more fun doing your taxes is.

SC276: I’ll remember to put it on for next riff.

Crazy56U: Why wait?



Shadow Dragon and Lance galloped and charged straight at the Earth Pony who kept on running away from them both. The Earth Pony jumped on the three tops of crates to the building's top.



Scarlet: “One jump ahead of the bread line/One swing ahead of the sword/I only steal what I can’t afford (and that’s everything!)”~

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “PARKOUR!”



They both got up at once while continued charging and chasing after him. While running away from them, he dodged the obstacles that stand his ways while jumped over the gap between two buildings.



Scarlet: Huh. Apparently I wasn’t far off. I hereby name this thief “Street Rat”.

SC276: What about “Riff Raff” and “Scoundrel”?

Crazy56U: Riff Raff? Street Rat? I don’t buy that… Scoundrel, on the other hand...



For the long moment had passed in chasing on the thief, Shadow Dragon and Lance cornered the Earth Pony to the end of building's edge. They both breathed heavily while glaring at him. He was in shock and worry.



Scarlet: It’s adjacent to the town of Cahoots.

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “Holy crap, you mean this chase scene was pointless?!”



"Now... Be a good criminal," Shadow Dragon breathed heavily, "give me back that necklace!"



CaptainPipsqueak: “Or be an even better criminal and escape from me!”

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “That… is the literal opposite of what a ‘good criminal’ should

do…”



Lance nodded his head, "Trust me, pal. My dad is not a very easy guy."



CaptainPipsqueak: No, his dad is complex. Like a puzzle with infinite pieces.

Scarlet: A man of wheels within wheels, you might say.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or a Sudoku with a unique number placement.

JofY: Not a simple mind in the slightest.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, your father got robbed, and you still low-key hate him...



Earth Pony gulped in worry, "Wish I could say 'Sorry' but no thanks!"



Scarlet: My joke name was better.

Crazy56U: [Blue Pony] “The word ‘Sorry’ is a myth, you sheep! WAKE UP!”



Earth Pony Thief took the pie out and thrown right at Shadow Dragon's face.



JofY: Took the pie out of where? The alley way?

Crazy56U: I wanna say his ass, but I don’t like that implication.

SC276: Yeah, sure, a thief that bumps into people to steal necklaces carries a pie on him for throwing at people. Who is this, Pinkie Pie?

CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe… maybe the thief threw Pinkie Pie?

Bucephalus: I’m just going to assume that Shadow Dragon got pranked, and the necklace was actually a pie.



Lance charged in to punch at the thief, but got swiped and kicked to the ground.



Scarlet: Street Rat grew up his whole life fighting for each meal! You ponies who have never known hardship are no match for his swipe-kick-pie combo!

Crazy56U: How did you fuck that up?



The Earth Pony quickly ran off at once.



Crazy56U: What the fuck is it with blue-tinted beings and their need to gotta go fast?



Lance grunted in annoyance while getting up. He turned and looked at the angry Shadow Dragon who wiped and cleaned the pie off.



"Okay... No mister nice guy! After him!" Shadow Dragon cried in anger.



Scarlet: “Stop, Thief!/Vandal!/Outrage!/Scandal!~”

SC276: Let’s not be too hasty…

Crazy56U: (deep sigh)



Lance sighed in annoyance, "I wonder if Spike and Nyx had the same problem with Twilight before..."



Scarlet: Nah, Twilight’s generally too busy solving actual problems. See? She’s fighting a bugbear coming in the other direction!

JofY: You mean, has Spike and Nyx had trouble with Twilight stealing her gifts?

Crazy56U: Did Lance seriously fucking forget what was going on, that has no bearing

on the given situation!

Bucephalus: I now have an image of Superman looking at Metropolis, and going, ‘well, at least I didn’t do it as poorly as Batman.’



For couple minutes had passed, Shadow Dragon and Lance continued chasing after the Earth Pony thief to the alley.



SC276: How the hell do you keep a chase up for more than one minute that doesn’t involve motor vehicles?

CaptainPipsqueak: Horses can keep up a gallop for a good while. Just sayin’.

Crazy56U: Horses are able to do ridiculous things, friend. Look at “Back to the Future: Part III”! Six horses from 1885 were completely willing to drag the DeLorean for up to 20 MPH, despite not knowing what the fuck it was!



As three of them looked tired, both of them jumped and slammed him to the ground hard while the necklace fell off from his hoof.



Scarlet: They both jumped on him. All three of them. Well, apparently either Shadow Dragon or Lance is actually a combining robot, capable of separating into component parts.

Crazy56U: My money is on the chase somehow caused time travel to happen and they bumped into their past selves...



Shadow Dragon grabbed and held Earth Pony Thief's neck tight, "I won't ask again. Give me back that jewelry now!"



Scarlet: Hey, he’s gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat!

SC276: He’ll tell you all about it when he’s got the time.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “Does Shadow Dragon have to choke a bitch?!”



"Daddy?" The little cute filly's voice called.



JofY: What a shock. An alleyway non-rapist has a small child to take care of. Tis the season for cliches.

CaptainPipsqueak: And why can’t it be an ugly filly? You never hear about ugly fillies and that’s unfair.

Crazy56U: My money is on this being a father-daughter team...



Three ponies stopped from what they were doing. They looked up and spotted a yellowish Unicorn with brown short mane and tail. Dr. Cabelleron and his three goones holding her. She looked worry, "Are you alright? Did they hurt you?"



Scarlet: Is this a character I should know about, or should I just assume that the author is using stuff from their personal canon?

JofY: I’m wondering where all these other ponies came in from. I mean, at least four different ponies entered in one character description.

Crazy56U: This… doesn’t exactly disprove my theory… If anything, it makes me think the daughter also befriended a gang…

Bucephalus: Cabelleron? Wasn’t he up with Daring Do? What’s he doing in a dark alley with a cute little filly… *Vomits*



As both Shadow Dragon and Lance got off from the Earth Pony, the latter quickly got up at once while looking at her, "No. Jewel. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Don't worry. Daddy is here to get you out of here."



Scarlet: Huh. Apparently Street Rat’s kid really is a diamond in the rough.

SC276: So wait. This guy was blackmailed by the mad doctor into stealing Twilight’s Christmas present? Am I reading that right? The fuck?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m actually kinda worried that you were able to follow the story well enough to reach that conclusion.

Crazy56U: Or Dr. Canada (because fuck the actual name) is actually a loan shark...



Both Shadow Dragon and Lance were in shock and surprise of it. They looked at it as they were waiting for something happen.



"Did you get what worth my while, Clutter?" Dr. Cabelleron demanded calmly.



Scarlet: I liked my name better.

Crazy56U: Is… is this going to turn into porn?



Clutter held the Sparkling Star Necklace while giving it to Dr. Cabelleron, "Here. That's all I had. It should cover the payment I owe from you. Please! Let her go! I held my bargain!"



Scarlet: [Clutter] “It’s right here, in my saddlebags! I had my lawyer triple check the wording!”

SC276: OK, so it’s just the evil mortgage-foreclosurer deal.

Crazy56U: So… he is a loan shark!



Dr. Cabelleron looked at it closely before huffed in annoyance, "Nope. I'm afraid it's not good enough. It appears... you had fail, my little friend. Finish her."



Scarlet: Ah, yes, disposing of your hostage while there are two witnesses and in a scenario where you’re likely to create an angry pony hell bent on revenge with nothing left to lose. Classic villain strategy.

JofY: And if that fails he can always just burn down the village killing everyone except the only one that can stop him.

SC276: This whole fic has fail.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Mortal Kombat. ...well, I’m fucked; the only fighting game series I’ve played extensively is Super Smash Bros., so…

CaptainPipsqueak: “Welcome to die.”



Three goons smiled with pleasure. The blackish muscular pony held Jewel as he prepared to attack.



Scarlet: His coat was only sort of black, more of a tinted dark gray, we’re really not sure.

CatainPipsqueak: As long as there was no sign of red I’m okay with this.

Crazy56U: Because, as we all know, if you’re a goon, you don’t deserve to have a name.

Bucephalus: Goon Requirements: 1. Likes killing things. 2. IQ lower than a snail. 3. Having no name.



Lance came before him as he punched the latter's face hard. Lance grabbed Jewel on his back. The shaded white pony was about to attack Lance. Shadow Dragon kicked the thug off. A blackish fedora hatted brown pony was about to punch but got punched by both Shadow Dragon and Lance.



Scarlet: And thus ends the story of Nice Guy, only in this fic for a minute and a half.

JofY: You sure? I mean, at least one of those ponies had to have time powers with how many times the tense changed.

SC276: They saw Jane run.

CaptainPipsqueak: Lucky bitch. Run, Jane, run.

Crazy56U: What a tense and suspenseful fight, Author; drunken parking lot brawls

have better choreography...



With three thugs defeated, both Shadow Dragon and Lance backed off to the back.



CaptainPipsqueak: They tried fronting off, once; the less said the better.

Crazy56U: To the back, to the back. To the back, to the back. Everything you own to

the box in the back.



Lance gave Jewel to Clutter. He and his father turned and glared at Dr. Cabelleron.



Scarlet: And to make matters worse, that’s when Dr. Cabelleron got a telegram from Bad Horse informing him that his membership in the Evil League of Evil had been revoked.

Crazy56U: Why didn’t Dr. Canada not take part in the fight? Did he think he was too good for it?!



"Who are you?! How dare you interrupt my work?!" Dr. Cabelleron demanded angrily.



Scarlet: Just an OC love interest who happened to be passing by. Remember that!

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, so many OCs have popped out of nowhere I’m being forced to take notes…

JofY: There will be a test on it.

Crazy56U: Yes, your work of… holding children hostage...

Bucephalus: Alright Cap, what is the name of our protagonist? A) Bill Clinton, B) Shadow Dragon, C) Who-Gives-A-Crap, or D) Why are you still reading?



Shadow Dragon narrowed his angry eyes at Dr. Cabelleron, "I'm Shadow Dragon. And I believe you had something that doesn't belong to you..."



Scarlet: Well, now we know who’s been borrowing Mr. Potato Head’s angry eyes.

SC276: And replaced them with shoes, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “My heart…”



Dr. Cabelleron yelped in shock of what he had heard. Lance pointed at the former's right hoof as Dr. Cabelleron looked at hi.



Crazy56U: Hi. (waves)



He yelped in fear as he found and realized something.



Scarlet: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I left the oven on! My Hearth’s Warming meal has burned to a crisp!”

SC276: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I’m trapped in a terrible fanfic!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Dr. Cabelloron] “I’m naked!” … “Oh, wait.”

Crazy56U: [Dr. Canada] “Oh fuck, I don’t know how to fight!”

JofY: [Dr. Cabelleron] “I’m not an actual doctor, I’m a nurse!”



"Oh, pony-feathers," Dr. Cabelleron exclaimed in shock before dropped the necklace down while he frantically explain, "



JofY: “I have a condition that rapidly changes my emotions you bastard! My life is meaningless…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Sort of like manic depression but way funnier.

Crazy56U: And then the necklace shattered into a billion pieces. This led to Shadow

Dragon murdering him. THE END.



Please wait! You had it wrong! Honest! I'm not the one who stole it! It was my thug! He-!"



Scarlet: Meanwhile, Clutter and Jewel grabbed the necklace and escaped in the confusion to start a new life somewhere.

Crazy56U: ...yes, it was one of your thugs. Thanks for restating established information.

CaptaianPipsqueak: “I didn’t steal it; somepony else stole it for me! I’m the victim here!”



"Quiet!" Shadow Dragon demanded angrily. Dr. Cabelleron was silenced for the moment.



JofY: Then, he brought out the trombone.

CaptainPipsqueak: *BWOMP*

Crazy56U: Hello darkness, my old friend...



He continued, "Stealing the jewel is one thing, but kidnapping the child is unforgivable. If I ever see you tried to held hostage, I'll be coming for you!"



Scarlet: Yeah! If you ever try to be held hostage, you won’t escape the wrath of Shadow Dragon!



Dr. Cabelleron yelped in shock, "Yes, sir! It won't happen!"



SC276: I should hope not, otherwise we’ll probably have to riff it.

Crazy56U: He went out to hold more hostage 10 minutes later...



Dr. Cabelleron quickly turned and left the area at once. His thugs recovered from the attack and left the area at once.



SC276: They couldn’t just puff into nonexistence like RPG enemies, so they had to improvise.

Crazy56U: And then Crazy56U got up and left the area at once. (gets up and leaves)



As soon as their enemy left, Shadow Dragon and Lance turned and glance at both Clutter and Jewel who were hugging each other happily and passionately. Chatter and Jewel turned and looked at the former.



Scarlet: Clutter had left to pursue his calling in the next Broadway production of Aladdin.

Crazy56U: (comes back) No, Clutter was his code name. Think “Slice of Life”, but dumb.



"Thank you. Thank you so much," Clutter said happily before taking the necklace up and gave it to Shadow Dragon, "And I'm sorry of what I just did. Here take it."



Before Shadow Dragon could take it, he asked, "Were you poor? Is that why Dr. Cabelleron took advantage of you?"



Scarlet: [Clutter] “Apparently he realized I’m much better at getting shiny things than his thugs!”

Crazy56U: Phrasing.



Clutter nodded his head, "Yes... It's true. I want to make something special for her. But I'm out of woods to make it.



SC276: What is this, Chipper & Sons Lumber Co.?

Crazy56U: Wait, are we in the forest now? I thought they were in an alley...



Besides, making something is enough for my loved one to get as long she's happy," He sighed in shame, "Somehow I really wish I could have it right now..."



Scarlet: Hmmm, good effort, Clutter. Roll a charisma check!

Crazy56U: [Clutter] “Sure wish I had a necklace to give my child… (cough cough)”



Heard of what Clutter had said, Shadow Dragon had some thoughts.



CaptainPipsqueak: Rare is the OC that can have more than one at a time.



He smiled as he took it and hung over Jewel's neck. Clutter looked shock and surprise of what he saw.



Scarlet: Success!

Crazy56U: Oh, come on Clutter, you deliberately did that and you knew that.



"I believe you already did," Shadow Dragon said calmly. Clutter looked dumbfounded by Shadow Dragon giving the gift to his daughter. Looking at Jewel, he continued, "This jewel means something, Jewel.



JofY: What? No… It doesn’t. You literally just bought it from a shop. It could have been a bar of gold, and it would still have the same amount of maguffinness.

Crazy56U: (deader-than-deadpan) Oh. I get it. That is a funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.



I want you treasured it well. This belong to your father. He worked so hard to save you.



JofY: Stealing one item = Hard work

Crazy56U: Hey now, he also had to run for a long ass time and try and avoid getting

beaten to death...



Think you can handle it?"



SC276: I can’t.

Crazy56U: I think what you really mean is “Can you dig it?”, pal...



Jewel giggled happily, "No problem."



Scarlet: [Jewel] “I’m taking this straight to our fence. We’re going to eat for days on this!”

Crazy56U: [Jewel] “I’m gonna pawn it later!”



Shadow Dragon smiled as he patted on her head gently. He stood up as he turned and looked at Clutter.



Clutter was still dumbfounded and shocked. Shadow Dragon spoke, "Let's say... You convinced me about something very important than just a jewel.



JofY: People Ponies can have reasons for doing things.

Crazy56U: ...is it love?



Making one is what counts to make someone happy.



JofY: Making a jewel is what makes someone happy? So, we should all should become jewelers? We need to name more children jewel? No, seriously. What?

Crazy56U: Called it.



Promise me that you get a good job than working with someone like Dr. Cabelleron."



Scarlet: Yeah, don’t you dare collaborate with someone who’s kidnapped your daughter ever again!

Crazy56U: Or anyone whose name is stupid.



Clutter nodded his head, "I understand. Thank you. I won't let you down."



SC276: [Clutter] “I will totally fail you now.”

Crazy56U: He will never interact with anypony, aside from his daughter, ever again.



"Good," Shadow Dragon said before patted on Clutter's back gently, "Now go and enjoy your Hearth's Warming Eve with your daughter."



Crazy56U: Uh, wait, do they even have a place to live, or are they also homeless?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes.



With a nod, Clutter smiled. He turned and held his daughter in his back before headed off. Shadow Dragon smiled in relief and happy in seeing both Clutter and Jewel being together.



Scarlet: Relief and happy? That’s almost too much emotion!

SC276: Isn’t this supposed to be about the Mane 6 and their boyfriends? Can you at least give me characters I’ll freakin’ recognize?

Crazy56U: Maybe it’s actually for the best the Mane 6 haven’t appeared that much in this, given the riveting characterization we’ve gotten so far...



Lance whistled happily, "That's impressive of you, dad. I thought you would be greedy about keeping it for mom."



JofY: Like none of the previous scenes that included a moment where he was gready.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, dude, what did Shadow Dragon ever do to you? It’s Christmas time! Stop low-key hating your dad!



Shadow Dragon snorted a bit, "Let's say you were right from the beginning. Your mother taught you well. I just hope Twilight likes it."



Scarlet: She won’t, but it’s Hearth’s Warming so she’ll at least make an effort not to embarrass you in front of the kid.

Crazy56U: No, I think she’d prefer an actual present...



"She will. I promise you that," Lance said calmly.



Shadow Dragon nodded his head as he and Lance left the alley at once.



At the Friendship Rainbow Kingdom,



SC276: are you fucking kidding me

Crazy56U: ...so, the Crystal Death Place then?



the Sparkle Family had been gathered at the fireplace.



Scarlet: Anyone else feel like we’re missing like twenty chapters or so?

SC276: With ya there, brother.

Crazy56U: They took those pages and used them for kindling, obviously.



Lance was telling his story about his adventures to both Nyx and Spike who were impressed and amazed. Dragoking was outside sleeping in his large kennel since he was going to have a long hibernation before the spring.



Scarlet: Make that thirty?

SC276: I hate starting in the middle. At least with the Fazpony one, it was a crossover with a thing I freakin’ understood.

Crazy56U: ...theory: Draoking is actually Nyx’s pet turtle.



Shadow Dragon was talking with Twilight Sparkle. They both were neared to the fireplace.



Captain Pipsqueak: ...by a strange alien force...

Crazy56U: Fire turns them on.



As Shadow Dragon hung a circled shaped with a Lavender Star Shaped with Sakura Flower Symbol necklace around her neck,



SC276: Ya sure you got enough capital letters there, bubbah?

Crazy56U: I’m more interested in “circled shaped”...



he spoke, "That's how it happen, Twilight. I'm sorry I couldn't get a good one."



Scarlet: One, leave the pointless anime references to me. Two, if we’re going to reference cherry blossoms at least let me have my fun!

JofY: [Twilight] “Well, it’s not like you payed too much on it.”

[Shadow] “Uhh…”

Crazy56U: Please, based on name alone, this necklace is better than the last one.



Twilight sighed before nuzzling on his head gently, "Oh stop it.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “God, Lance is right, you’re fucking worthless…”



Besides, I don't need something special." She then looked at her necklace, "But what mattes the most is a gift you had for me. It's a perfect one."



Scarlet: [Twilight] “-out of ten, but hey, you tried.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “...I wish it was cash, but, eh…”



"Thank you, Twilight."



"I have something for you."



CaptainPipsqueak: (Twilight) “Oh shit; I left the bullets at home.”

Crazy56U: (crosses fingers) Subpoena, subpoena, subpoena...



Twilight passed a box.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yeesh. And I though passing a kidney-stone was tough...

Crazy56U: (continues crossing fingers) Subpoena-in-a-box, subpoena-in-a-box,

subpoena-in-a-box...



As Shadow Dragon opened it, he gasped in surprise as he looked at the golden dragon crest.



Scarlet: [Shadow Dragon] “It’s made of real paper mache!”

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, it’s an actual gift...



"Is that... Golden Dragon Symbol?" Shadow Dragon asked in shock and surprise.



JofY: Guys! Guys! It’s a design! Wow! Wow! Holy- I mean, I can’t believe it’s a design!

CaptainPisqueak: And made out of paper mache, too!

Crazy56U: [Shadow Dragon] “This is even better than that Golden Mario Amiibo I

wanted!”



Twilight nodded her head. He chuckled a bit, "But how? I remember that very day when Mystic Realm was attacked, it was destroyed.



Crazy56U: Good for you, I don’t.



That last one was given by my father for my birthday. How did you know?"



Scarlet: Yeah we skipped about forty chapters. Are you sure that this guy’s works don’t count as ‘ongoing’ for our remaining slot, because I’d love to see the rest of them!

SC276: I wouldn’t.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(shrug) I guessed.”



Twilight smiled in impress as her horn glowed.



JofY: Ewww… Put that away, put that away.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God; I think I’m having a seizure...

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “You talk too much. (ZAAAAAAAAAP!)”

THE END



The mistletoe levitated above both her and Shadow Dragon, "Let's say... I have someone to thank for."



Shadow Dragon smiled back as well, "Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Princess."



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Thanks, meatshield.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “That’s not my name, dipshit. (ZAAAAAAAAAP!)”

THE END



"And to you as well, my Warrior," Twilight smiled.



Both Shadow Dragon and Twilight Sparkle kissed on each other's lips gently yet passionately for a long moment.



Scarlet: The longest three seconds of all time.

SC276: Whoever’s using the time magic, stop it!

Crazy56U: Calling back to my Smash Bros. comment, I think the Author is using a Timer right now...



"This is... a perfect gift..." Twilight Sparkle and Shadow Dragon thought happily.



Scarlet: Of all who give gifts, they were the wisest. Of all who receive gifts, they are the wisest. They are the magi.

SC276: Well not these guys in particular, but some other ones in a fic with proper sentences.

Crazy56U: No, neither of them are a perfect gift. Now, a Wii U, now that’s something...



The End...



Crazy56U: Doubtful, here’s more shorts...



Main Casts:

Matt Lanter: Shadow Dragon



Crazy56U: Well, no wonder Lance low-key hated his father. His dad was CLONE WARS ANAKIN SKYWALKER?!



Tara Strong: Twilight Sparkle

Jesse McCartney: Lance Justicestrike



Crazy56U: Oh, and Lance was also a CGI chipmunk. Cooooool.



Deveigh Chase: Nyx



Crazy56U: Lilo from “Lilo and Stitch”? ...eh, I can see her voicing Nyx, actually...



Cathy Waseluck: Spike

Richard Ian Cox: Jewelry Shopkeeper, Clutter



Crazy56U: Huh, and to think that Snails was his better character...



Michael Dobson: Dr. Cabelleron



Crazy56U: Huh, and to think that Bulk Biceps was his better character...



Rebecca Shoichet: Jewel



Crazy56U: Annnd rounding out the fake cast list… is Sunset Shimmer. ...okay....

SC276: A freakin’ cast list, are you kidding me.

Scarlet: “Greg Cipes: Lightning Dawn.”

JofY: “Me: Not Caring.”

CaptainPipsqeak: And featuring James Earl Jones as the voice of Mufasa.



Preview:



CaptainPipsqueak: So we know exactly how much shit we’ll be getting in...

SC276: Oh wait, these are different chapters? OK, I’ve stopped caring.

Crazy56U: Oh, come on Author, there was no Preview character in this! Also, you forgot to add an actor to “voice” them!



Apple Treats: Want to make a special treat for Applejack, Caramel determined to do it. With both Apple Bloom and Big Mac to distract Applejack while Granny Smith helped Caramel, can the special treat be done for tonight?



Scarlet: All signs point to ‘bad idea’.

Crazy56U: The treat is meth, isn’t it?



Suggest and Review...



SC276: I suggest you stop now before you really get yourself hurt.

Crazy56U: No, thanks.



To Cat Stat Ave, sorry for that mess.



Crazy56U: (violent laughter)

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah; gonna need someone to point out where the mess was specifically....



I kinda put the wrong documents. But it's already fix. Chapter 1 is confirmed to be for MLP.



RingmasterJ5: For context, when this fic was originally uploaded the author had a Transformers fic in its place by mistake because that’s apparently a thing you can just do on FFNet and no one really gives a shit.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s FFNet. Not giving a shit is the standard.

SC276: Picked the wrong document upload, huh? This is why you have to be careful with this shit.

Crazy56U: (laughter increases)



So enjoy the reading of this story.



JofY: No thank you.

Crazy56U: I doubt it.

CaptainPipsqueak: I can just imagine how much fun it would be if this sap spoke in the same way he typed.



Short 2: Apple Treats



During the Hearth's Warming Eve; Applejack, Big Mac and Apple Bloom were busy in selling their apples to the customers and citizens of Ponyville for special treats and dinner tonight. They determined to get it down as soon as possible for tonight's dinner.



Scarlet: Big demand for apples during Hearth’s Warming, don’tcha know. Baked apple goods? Who needs ‘em?

Crazy56U: As we all know, winter is the best time for apple harvests!

CaptainPipsqueak: They come out extra crunchy!



As the Apple Siblings finished selling their apples to the customers, they took a break for the moment.



Applejack took a long sip of her apple cider. She sighed in relief, "That was a relief. Selling apple business is sure busy."



Scarlet: Yeah, selling your business can be taxing. Don’t worry, I’m sure Flim and Flam will do absolutely nothing horrible with it!

SC276: Season 5 finale has aired, by the way; they do horrible with it.

Crazy56U: Hey, at least they didn’t turn the world into a wasteland like… whoever was the cause of the last Bad Future...



Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup."



"Yeah, so what's next after we sell the apples," Apple Bloom asked curiously.



Scarlet: Having never experienced Hearth’s Warming before, apparently.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Apple Bloom, that was a stupid question.”



"We go home," Applejack answered calmly before wiping her sweats off from her forehead.



Scarlet: Her yoga pants were left in place.

SC276: [Applejack] “Notice I said that in a manner that suggests it was freakin’ obvious.”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Ya see?”



Both Big Mac and Apple Bloom yelped in shock and worry.



Crazy56U: ...because home is bad- oh, wait, Caramel is making his whatever for

Applejack at home, duh.



She continued, "After all, Granny Smith need us to cook some special Apple Treats. We don't want to have a cranky granny at home."



Big Mac gulped in concern before smiling, "Eeyup."



Scarlet: I don’t blame the guy. Last time Granny Smith had a tantrum, she actually managed to extinguish some of the joy in the universe forever.

Crazy56U: ...what?



Apple Bloom approached to Applejack and spoke, "Come on, sis. I think granny can handle it by herself."



SC276: Yeah, if you don’t want them done by Hearth’s Warming.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, back at home, Granny is dead on the floor.



"Huh? Why is that? Apple Bloom?" Applejack asked suspiciously while raising her right eyebrow.



JofY: “WHERE DID YOU BURY THE BODY!?!”

SC276: The specific eyebrow is very important.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Did you burn down the house again?”



Apple Bloom gulped in fear while struggled and frantically to spoke, "Well... Because... She had a help!"



Scarlet: Not a big help or a little help mind you. Just “a help”.

Crazy56U: Or a “help” is some kind of energy drink...



"Apple Bloom!" Big Mac scolded Apple Bloom.



"From Saber Dragoon," Apple Bloom answered quickly, "Granny Smith told me this morning before we left that she was having a help from him to cook the Apple Treats. And you won't believe what else she asked us to do."



Scarlet: I’m thinking sponge bath.

CaptainPisqueak: Thank you for that image. Sleep is overrated anyway.

SC276: “Saber Dragoon” sounds like a Final Fantasy class.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Apple Bloom, I’ve told you a thousand times, your imaginary friend has better things to do than help out Granny!”



"Really?" Applejack asked suspiciously.



Apple Bloom smiled while bouncing up and down, "Yeah! With him around, we're gonna have lots of time in finding and buying the best presents for our Hearth's Warming Eve! Won't that be fun?"



Scarlet: It will not.

Crazy56U: And now, Hotel Mario.



Big Mac smiled, "Eeyup."



Crazy56U: See above.



Applejack hummed softly while showing her suspicious eyes at her siblings, who remained smiling weakly and fearfully. She sighed in defeat.



Scarlet: Meta-Applejack sees the romantic comedy tropes approaching but can do nothing to stop them.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “I’m too drunk for this…”



"Alright. As soon as we're done with our business, we go to some shops for some cooking ingredients and good stuffs for tonight's.



SC276: ...tonight’s what?

Crazy56U: Tonight’s dinner, obviously.



Just hopefully we don't want to take it too long. We don't want Granny Smith to be crankier and crazy again."



Scarlet: [Applejack] “I can still feel her cane.” *shudders*

SC276: Hoping you don’t want something feels like some specific form of unhealthy denial.

Crazy56U: I thought she was taking meds for that...



"Trust us. You won't regret it. We're not making it long," Apple Bloom smiled.



Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup."



JofY: *Audible wink*

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “NOIMNOTBEINGSUSPICIOUS!”

[Big Mac] “(nods head furiously) YEP”



Applejack took and dressed her white apron up, "Right. Let's get the work done."



Scarlet: She dressed the apron as a pretty pony princess. Pinkie was pleased.

SC276: Does anyone else hear headdesking?

Crazy56U: And thus Applejack decided “Fuck apples, time to be a nurse!”



As Applejack took off at once,



Crazy56U: Where was she going without ever knowing the way?



Big Mac and Apple Bloom sighed in relief. Big Mac gave Apple Bloom a glare. Apple Bloom yelped in shock.



JofY: “Ack! Attention! Get it away from me!”

Crazy56U: Oh my God, Big Mac is showing an emotion! PANIC!



"Don't look at me, Big Mac. I didn't tell her about him, okay?" Apple Bloom argued. Big Mac snorted a bit. She continued, "Besides; I said Saber Dragoon, and didn't mention 'you know who'."



Scarlet: I’m just going to point out that this OC’s name is basically Sword Gunman.

JofY: The Saber one or the name not known yet?

SC276: Let’s go with both.

Crazy56U: Or neither. Neither is good.



Big Mac sighed, "Eeyup."



"We're gonna keep her here until tonight. Besides, he's a great cooker wasn't he? With Saber Dragoon and Granny Smith's help, he will get it like a lickety-split!"



Scarlet: Hey, Lickety Split doesn’t deserve this! I’m sure there’s a better story you could use him in!

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, back at home, Mystery Pony was dead on the floor.



"Eenope."



"What?! You're not serious that he's gonna mess the cook up again?"



CaptainPipsqueak: The last time, the bruises took two weeks to clear up!

Crazy56U: See above.



"Eeyup..."



Apple Bloom sighed in defeat, "Well... We're gonna keep her here a long time..."



Big Mac nodded his head, "Eeyup..."



Scarlet: [Apple Bloom] “I’ll go knock her out, you get the portable solitary confinement chamber.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “(pulls out a bottle of chloroform) Leave it to me…”



Big Mac and Apple Bloom took their apron and dressed up as they both helped Applejack in selling the apples to the citizens at once. Hopefully, they had to hold her for long till tonight. They prayed that their friends had the Apple Treats down by tonight.



Scarlet: Otherwise, we might have to resort to wacky hijinks!

CaptainPipsqueak: Ooh! Can they be zany too? Pleasepleaseplease?

JofY: Only if you’re good Pipsqueak. Only if you’re good.

Crazy56U: How much longer until “Apple Treats” becomes “Apple Treats™”?



At the Sweet Apple Acre,



SC276: Just the one acre. It was feeling left out.

Crazy56U: The rest of it burnt to the ground in an avoidable incident.



Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon were helping a familiar friend in dealing and cooking the foods for tonight special: Apple Treats.



SC276: We get it author, it’s only been stated four times by now.

Crazy56U: ™.



For nearly whole afternoon, the kitchen was a disaster and mess as Caramel



Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh, what a shock.



struggled in getting the right cooking for the Apple Treat.



Scarlet: Not apple pies, apple crumbles, apple muffins, apple trifle, apple cake, or even apple strudel. Just “Apple Treat”. Also apparently a name.

CaptainPipsqueak: They tried an Apple Trick once, but it took a day to put the fires out.

Crazy56U: ™.



As Caramel added some sugar into the soup, Granny Smith whacked her stick on his left hoof hard. He yelped painfully.



SC276: Is Caramel someone else’s boyfriend OC, or…?

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “OH GOD, MY HOOF IS BROKEN”

[Granny Smith] “Serves ya right…”



"You're putting too much on it!" Granny Smith complained angrily.



CaptainPipsqueak: (Granny Smith) “Also in it! … I’m not senile!”

JofY: Wow, Granny is being violent here.

SC276: Granny’s had enough of your shit.

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “I didn’t serve in the War just to let you fuck this up, maggot!”



"Sorry," Caramel muttered in upset as he took some sips of yellowish sticky honey soup out



Scarlet: These lines would later be recycled for a rather different sort of fic.

JofY: A good one?

Crazy56U: Relax, it’s just honey mustard. ...really crappy honey mustard.



. He continued stirring the soup gently and calmly, "Like this? Gently and calmly?"



"Yes..." Granny Smith nodded her head calmly.



CaptainPipsqueak: And gently. Get with the program, Granny.

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “I’ll spare you this evening.”



She then shouted angrily,



Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “PSYCHE!”



"Make sure you stir them properly, Caramel! Not too slow! Not too fast! Not too hard! Not too gentle! And you'd better make sure that the Apple Treat have to be good! Or else we're gonna do it again and again until you get it right! Do you get me, pal?!"



Scarlet: Those who fail at creating baked goods will be flayed alive. It is Apple Family Law!

JofY: I think Gordon Ramsey creates less stress than Granny Smith is here.

SC276: Someone close the kitchen!

Crazy56U: Granny’s like five seconds away from straight up beating Caramel to death...



"Yes, ma'am!" Caramel exclaimed in fear as he quickly deal the stirring on Apple Treat.



Scarlet: I can’t even this sentence.

JofY: Are sure?

Crazy56U: ™. Also, I think Caramel just pissed himself in fear.



As nervous, worry and fearful; Caramel struggled in getting the right cook of Apple Treat.



Crazy56U: ™.



He had some sweats shedding out from his body as he continued cooking the Apple Treat.



Crazy56U: ™.

SC276: Apple Treat Apple Treat, Apple Treat. Apple Treat? Apple Treat!

Crazy56U: ™ ™, ™. ™? ™!



"You'll be fine," Saber Dragoon said calmly, "I promise you that."



Scarlet: [Saber Dragoon] “I’ll make sure to execute you cleanly and painlessly before you ever incur Granny’s rage.”

JofY: ‘“You’ll be fine,” Saber Dragoon said calmly, placing a hoof onto his shoulder and pulling out the tongue.’

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Your death shall be swift and painless.”



Caramel sighed, "Easy to say than done."



SC276: Is English this author’s second language?

Crazy56U: More like 8th...



"Not everyone can get the right cooking. When I was a teen, I used to be a lousy cook. The only thing I'm good at is battling and fighting."



Scarlet: Just once I’d love someone’s bullshit OC to be a god-tier accountant or something.

JofY: Wasn’t that one our previous stories?...

SC276: Stop reminding me of that atrocity of the English language!

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “All I know how to do is be Batman, God I suck!”



"So, how did you manage to get it done?"



Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.”



"Let's say I've got some family's support and help to do it.



Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “Also, drugs.”

SC276: That just reminds me of that vine with the owl.



If I can do the cooking well, then so can you."



Caramel had some thoughts of what Saber Dragoon had said, he smiled and turned to the latter. He nodded his head, "Yeah, you're right. I can't give up now! Applejack need this. I'm gonna make it happen!"



Scarlet: Oh yeah! He’s gotta believe!

SC276: He’s filled with determination. Let’s fill him with more so he can melt.

Crazy56U: But the world refused to change.



Granny Smith smirked, "Glad to know you have some confidence, Caramel." She then gave him a hard glare, "Now get back to it, boy! Don't make a mess!"



Caramel screamed in fear before saluted, "Yes ma'am!"



Scarlet: Again, the above lines would later be recycled for a different sort of fic.

Crazy56U: And now he shit himself.



And so, his struggling cook continued by restarting the cook.



Scarlet: Have you tried turning the cook off and back on again?

CaptainPipsqueak: Or removing the battery for five seconds?

JofY: Just kick it!

Crazy56U: Uh, continuing by restarting is kinda an oxymoron...



As his fifth time, Caramel made some mistakes. Firstly, he put the wrong salt into the soup; instead of sugar.



JofY: Okay, I’m not culinary inclined when it comes to soups, so, what kind of non-dessert like soups require sugar?

SC276: I don’t know a single soup that would require sugar anyway…

Scarlet: Actually, certain potato soups can use it if you add sweet potato chunks. You don’t use much, though, just enough to complement the flavor.

Crazy56U: Then he lit himself on fire.



Next, he put too much of honey while nodding adding some apple slices into it. Then, he accidentally put too much of flour into it.



SC276: How are you messing up on things you didn’t mess up before? What are you, me?

Crazy56U: And then he straight up threw the pot to the floor and had a seizure.



Aftermath, he overheated the cake too much.



Crazy56U: And then he turned into a jet, bombed the Russians, and flew into the sun.

Now he’s dead.



Finally, he made a good shape of Apple Treat Cake.



Scarlet: It was stolen moments later by an eagle.

CaptainPipsqueak: Which then died of food poisoning.

Crazy56U: A Hearth’s Warming Eve miracle.

CaptainPipsqueak: The eagle, however, was delicious.



As Granny Smith tasted it, she gave the disgusted look while looking at it.



Crazy56U: Oh, wait, Caramel made it. Nevermind, the miracle was fake.



She then thrown it aside hard before scolding and lecturing Caramel about it.



JofY: Maybe if you just added some caramel.

Crazy56U: Well, she tried to, anyway, if it weren’t for Caramel openly sobbing

during...



Caramel continued struggled in making the Apple Treat Cake for few times. On the late evening, he managed to put and make the good-looking and shaped of golden Cake with two layers and cherries on rounded's edges while its middle had the crops of Sweet Apple Acres.



Scarlet: Every single one of the farm’s crops baked into a single cake!

Crazy56U: It also contained some of his blood from when he accidentally sliced open his jugular, but luckily he made the cake before he bled out.



It was done. Both Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon smiled proudly.



SC276: Meanwhile, we’re frowning miserably.

Crazy56U: The nightmare was over at least.



Caramel put the Apple Treat Cake into an oven as he set it for 10 minutes.



SC276: Baking a cake usually takes at least twenty minutes, author.

JofY: Like you need to know anything about cooking to write.

SC276: If you’re going to write about cooking, yes.

JofY: Oh, come on, who cares about details like that? We get to have antics so cliche not even modern sitcom do them.

Crazy56U: And then the oven exploded.



He then headed off and met up with both Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon.



Scarlet: Who had presumably gotten bored of the story and walked out.

Crazy56U: They were busy drinking the pain away.



Caramel smiled happily, "I can't believe it's done."



"Not bad for a new pony. You did pretty well on your first and foremost cook," Granny Smith commented.



JofY: Most ponies burn down an entire micro-nation before learning how to cook.

SC276: [Granny Smith] “Ya used up all our food with all the attempts and we’re going to starve this winter, but you did pretty well.”

Crazy56U: [Granny Smith] “Of course, I’m banning you from entering our kitchen ever again, but…”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Granny Smith] “Though at this point it’s kinda like closing the barn door after the horse’s bolted… Heh; see that? Gone an’ added an apt ponyism, too.”



Saber Dragoon nodded his head, "Yeah. At least you put 10 minutes in heating the cake up."



Scarlet: Is this realistic bake time for an ornate apple confection? What do you all think?

JofY: No.

Crazy56U: [Saber Dragoon] “I’m surprised you managed to use the oven correctly. I thought you’d electrocute yourself again…”



Caramel smiled and nodded his head in agreement. As three ponies were about to leave the kitchen, they heard some exploding from it.



JofY: The Carrot Farm was finally removing competition.

SC276: This is turning into that time from The Simpsons where Homer set a bowl of cereal on fire.

Crazy56U: HOLY FUCK, I WAS JOKING!



They quickly returned to the area and checked on it. Upon arriving to the microwave oven, they spotted the cake was bursting and exploding within as it grew large and shooting its small parts out like shooting guns.



Scarlet: That’s no cake! It’s a mobile fortress! SCRAMBLE!

SC276: Are you telling me they tried to bake a cake for a family Christmas tradition using the microwave?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Crazy56U: I’m more concerned that the cake apparently mutated into a monster...



"What in tarnation just happen?!" Granny Smith asked in shock and worry.



SC276: The plot having a seizure is my best bet.

Crazy56U: The cake mutated, I just said that...



"I don't know!" Caramel answered in fear. He yelped as he spotted the cake grew larger and larger while breaching through the oven's door, "I do know one thing! RUN!"



JofY: Run, Cake! Run!

Crazy56U: RETREAT!

CaptainPipsqueak: REHEAT!!

SC276: [King Arthur] “RUN AWAY!”



"You heard him! RUN!" Saber Dragoon exclaimed in fear.



Scarlet: Sword Gunman meets his only weakness- confection.

Crazy56U: RETREAT!

CaptainPipsqueak: RE-EAT!

SC276: [The Knights] “RUN AWAY!”



Granny Smith, Saber Dragoon and Caramel screamed in fear and worry as they quickly escaped the area as the microwave oven steamed off while shaking very hard.



JofY: Well, no wonder why it’s alive. It’s been getting nuclear radiation for like 10 minutes, that can’t be good.

Crazy56U: Well, looks like the Apples have to live somewhere else now...



Three Apple Siblings were on their way home. They carried both food supplies and stuffs for tonight's Hearth's Warming Eve.



SC276: They’re getting the food for Christmas Eve dinner now? That’s way more irresponsible than I’d expect from Applejack. Then again, she’s dating one of the two OCs in this chapter, so who knows what her thought process is.

Crazy56U: But did they have any Apple Treats™?



Applejack sighed in annoyance, "Next time, Apple Bloom; leave the talking to me before you jump on the barrel."



Scarlet: No, we’re not going to give you context for this. Yes, whatever you come up with instead probably will be a more interesting story.

Crazy56U: My guess, Apple Bloom jumped on someone’s gun. They were getting mugged by one of Dr. Canada’s goons.



Apple Bloom sighed in defeat, "Sorry, sis..."



"Now, now, Applejack; let's not-!" Big Mac spoke.



SC276: [Big Mac] “I mean, uh, eeyup.”

Crazy56U: Oh my God, he remembered how to speak!



"I know. I know. I know.



Crazy56U: So, do you know or not?



It's Hearth's Warming Eve. I shouldn't be mad at my little sister," Applejack interrupted before she smiled, "Besides, we're gonna get a good evening dinner together."



Both Big Mac and Apple Bloom smiled in pleased and relief.



SC276: Cue mood-turning irony in three, two…

Crazy56U: They were blissfully unaware they were about to reach Ground Zero of Caramel’s fuckup...



BOOM!



Crazy56U: And that’s how the world ended. THE END



Three Apple Siblings yelped in shock as they felt the shake and heard the explosion. They looked up and found the Sweet Apple Acre was covered by the sticky and slimy honey.



Scarlet: The Rule 34 version is barely going to read differently.

JofY: Not really...

Crazy56U: Great, now it’s going to smell like honey for years...



"What in tarnation?!" Applejack asked in shock.



"Oh no... Caramel..." Apple Bloom said in concern.



Big Mac gulped in fear and concern, "Eenope..."



SC276: What, did someone go all in at the Inventory?

Crazy56U: Awwww, Big Mac forgot how to speak again...



She and her two siblings made haste in returning to home.



Scarlet: Fly, Applejack! Show us the meaning of haste!

Crazy56U: C’mon, what’s the rush, you act like everything you own is now covered in honey or something...



Upon reaching home, the Apple Siblings headed to the kitchen and found dizzy and knockout Granny Smith, Caramel and Saber Dragoon on the floor. The former was in shock.



JofY: Nobody knew what their motivation was.

Crazy56U: The latter were dead inside.



"What in tarnation is gonna here?!" Applejack demanded.



Granny Smith sighed in defeat. Caramel stood up at once as he said, "I can explain..."



Scarlet: [Caramel] “I’m a terrible cook and I tried to stuff the farm into a cake.”

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “I was born…”

JofY: [Carmel] “...Actually, it may be better if I don’t say anything at all.”



Caramel explained to Applejack of what he did for whole day with Granny Smith and Saber Dragoon on making the Apple Treat Cake. Applejack looked annoy and upset of what Caramel did and especially receiving the lie from her siblings.



JofY: Yes, the lie that… was about...

SC276: This is why I don’t like surprise parties.

Crazy56U: Hey now, technically they did not lie. Granny Smith was getting help from

Saber Dragoon in regards to cooking...



She looked away from them and approached to the wall which has some of sticky honey cake.



Scarlet: The wall had a sweet tooth.

Crazy56U: “Hey, you got your LOLCats in my shitfic!” “You got your shitfic in my LOLCats!”



Applejack placed her hoof on it before tasted it with her tongue.



JofY: And no one ate dinner that night.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Needs salt.”



"Applejack, please..." Caramel begged, "Don't blame your family. I did it. I wanted to make it a special and meaningful treat for you.



JofY: No Caramel! It’s not worth it! Don’t you know she killed a filly’s parents once for mixing mashed potatoes and flour together!?

SC276: So let me guess, he’s the boyfriend. The character we don’t have any reason to believe is reliable.

Crazy56U: Wow, it took you that long to figure it out? I thought it was clear the second his name was mentioned...



I guess... I'm not the best cook I ever thought of..."



Scarlet: [Caramel] “I once imagined a chef with five Michelin stars!”

Crazy56U: [Caramel] “I’m just a living, breathing, natural disaster…”



"Caramel..." Everyone but Applejack said in concern.



As Applejack turned to Caramel, she sighed in annoyance, "Yeah... You're really are terrible cook.



Crazy56U: That’s it, Applejack, just shit on his hopes and dreams...



Always missed the important ingredient and making sure the food is good to go."



Scarlet: Yeah, always making sure the food is good to go! The mark of a truly terrible cook!

SC276: Well at least she didn’t surprisingly love it…

Crazy56U: Hands down, the most realistic part of this story.



Caramel looked down in defeat and shame. Before he could say, she jumped and hugged him tightly. Everyone was in shock and surprise by the action. She then kissed on his cheeks before smiling, "But this... It's the best I ever taste!"



JofY: Because she taste no longer.

SC276: I spoke too soon.

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, this Author doesn’t know what realism is, I forgot...



Caramel gasped, "You mean- you like it?!"



Applejack smiled, "Eeyup."



Crazy56U: [Big Mac] “HEY!”



Everyone was in shock and surprise by Applejack's answer. They all smiled in joy and relief that she accepted Caramel's work.



Scarlet: Joy and relief shattered moments later when Applejack smashed a table over Caramel’s head while he was distracted.

JofY: She was no longer Applejack. Now, she had a new name… and his name was John Cena.

SC276: I saw this coming, and then you seemingly changed your mind, and then you went right back around and did it anyway. Fool me once…!

Crazy56U: At least Caramel isn’t dying tonight...



"But next time, Caramel; be careful of whatcha you doing on cooking," Applejack remarked.



Caramel smiled, "I will, Apple dear..."



SC276: But this brick was thinking, “No you won’t” either…

Crazy56U: Next time, he’s doing to straight up set the kitchen on fire, isn’t he?

SC276: You won’t come near smoke, fire, and Jello!



Saber Dragoon chuckled happily, "Well, what are we waiting for? Dig in. It might not be the best cake we wanted to design, but taste counts."



Scarlet: Sword Gunman- Why Was He Even Here?

JofY: I don’t know, I mean, this chapter disrespected design. And that’s wrong.

Crazy56U: Not always, honey.



Applejack smiled, "Dig in, everypony!"



Applejack and her family cheered happily and wildly as they took the saps and pieces of Apple Treat Cake from the wall.



SC276: That cannot be sanitary.

Crazy56U: Well, they gotta clean up the mess somehow.



They ate them happily and enjoyable. Saber Dragoon gave the small piece on Big Mac's face before laughed in amusement. Annoyed by his attempt, Big Mac slyly pushed Saber to the wall before laughed in amusement.



Scarlet: I’m confused, is that supposed to be homoerotic tension or is this an incredible happy accident?

Crazy56U: D) All of the above.



Granny Smith made a story about how her first cook was worse than Caramel. Apple Bloom giggled in amusement.



SC276: Amusement amusement, amusement. Amusement? Amusement!

Crazy56U: With this much amusement, you could make a park out of it!



As the family continued chatting and eating their own foods, Applejack and Caramel looked at each other while smiling.



Scarlet: [Applejack] “I despise you to the very core of your being.”

[Caramel] “Feeling’s mutual.”

Crazy56U: They got a contact high from the cake fumes, they had no idea what was

going on anymore.



"Thanks for giving me a chance, Applejack. It means me well..." Caramel said happily.



Applejack smiled, "I'm glad I did. You're a really special pony, Caramel.



SC276: Yes. “Special.”

Crazy56U: Well, she’s not wrong...



Thank you. And Merry Hearth's Warming Eve."



"Merry Hearth's Warming Eve to you, Applejack," Caramel replied.



Caramel and Applejack leaned close before kissing to each other's lips passionately and happily.



Scarlet: After removing their lips from their faces, of course.

Crazy56U: Every chapter is going to end with smooches, aren’t they?



Main Casts:

Brian Drummond: Caramel

Ashleigh Ball: Applejack

Peter New: Big Mac

Michelle Creber: Apple Bloom

Tabitha St. Germain: Granny Smith

Will Friedle: Saber Dragoon



Crazy56U: Fuck you for dragging Eric Matthews into this. Fuck. YOU.

Scarlet: And Mike Nelson as himself!



Preview:



Speed Hour: Soarin was late for the Rainbow's Holiday Spirit Party.



CaptainPipsqueak: Which is what she calls it when she breaks out the heavy stuff to get the Hearth’s Warming celebration really started.

Crazy56U: Actually, that’s a lie; he just didn’t feel like going.



To get to Rainbow's House, he required both Blazefist and Laxtinct in getting there while dealing with crazy Diamond Dog who wanted his present so badly.



Crazy56U: So, in other words, you’re ripping off the first story...



Will he get there in time for Rainbow's Party while making sure that package kept safe?!



Scarlet: And more importantly, will any of us care?

SC276: Why is the burrowing Diamond Dog race involved in the pegasus short?

JofY: Why is a Pokemon OC and medication to help one poop involved in this!?

CaptainPipsqueak: How does a pony get the name ‘Blazefist’?

Crazy56U: Please, failure doesn’t exist in this universe. Even if it seems like someone

fails, they’ll end up succeeding regardless...



Review and Suggest...



SC276: Stop. Now.

Crazy56U: Here’s a suggestion: step away from the computer. We have the place surrounded.



Short 3: Speed Hour



SC276: ~Slow down, yer gonna crash / Baby you’re a-screamin’, it’s a blast blast blast...~

Crazy56U: “Speed Hour”: The “Speed” / “Rush Hour” crossover no one wanted.



At Rainbow Dash's house, her father Rainbow Blazing and her mother Firefly



SC276: See, it’s funny because Firefly was the G1 character RD was based on-

Crazy56U: Why’d you sto-



had arrived at her home. Rainbow Dash jumped and hugged both of her parents happily before bringing them in. Rainbow Dash then presented her fan and sister-figure: Scootaloo.



Scarlet: Who was also there.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve, Mom and Dad! I got you an orphan!”



"Wow! You're Rainbow Dash's parents?" Scootaloo asked curiously.



JofY: “You’re both less cool than I imagined!”

Crazy56U: Somehow I doubt that the founder and leader of the “Rainbow Dash Fan

Club” doesn’t know who Rainbow’s parents are...



Both Rainbow Blaze and Firefly nodded their heads to her.



SC276: Oh god they’re both mutes.

JofY: No, they just haven’t hired voice actors.

Crazy56U: Or they have food in their mouths...



She cried happily while bouncing up and down, "OH MY GOSH! THIS IS SO AWESOME! AND THE BEST! YEAH!"



SC276: Calm down, sister, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack.

JofY: EXCITEMENT! JOY! SENTENCES THAT ARE IN ALL CAPS EVEN THOUGH IT’S MEANT TO DENOTE RAGE AND ANGER!

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES



Rainbow Blaze chuckled in amusement while patted Scootaloo's mane gently, "My... She's quite a spirited and spiteful too. It reminds me of Rainbow Dash."



Scarlet: Truly, Scootaloo is the most spiteful of children.

Crazy56U: Well, unless I’m mistaken, Scootaloo still has that Rainbow Dash wig...



"She sure does, Blaze. A very determined too," Firefly commented.



SC276: “Meeting your idol’s parents fills you with determination.”

Crazy56U: No, Firefly, she’s a pegasus.



She turned to Spitfire, "It's good to see you again, my dear."



JofY: “I must commend you for teleporting in.”

Crazy56U: [Firefly] “And by ‘again’, I mean ‘for the first time’; where the fuck did you

come from?!”



"Good to see you too," Spitfire smiled as she gave Firefly a hoofshake, "My mom says highly of you. I've gotta say... You would have made a great Wonderbolt."



Scarlet: Spitfire is just in this story too, now. I kind of hope that we just keep introducing characters abruptly as dinner goes on. “And then Tirek said-”

SC276: This is turning into that Rick & Morty episode.

Crazy56U: “Total Rickall”?



Firefly sighed in defeat, "Yeah... Somehow, I really wish that happen."



SC276: Yeah, accusations of getting into the Wonderbolts because of family connections and not skill alone. That’s what Rainbow’s always wanted.

Crazy56U: [Firefly] “If it wasn’t for my smack habit, I would’ve passed the drug test… (sigh) ...but I love smack so much…”



She then approached to Rainbow Blaze and Rainbow Dash. She hugged them passionately,



Crazy56U: And, in the process, she snapped their spines.



"But I already have my dream come true. Having my own family."



"Mom..." Rainbow Dash smiled happily and relief before nuzzling her mother's head gently and passionately, "I really touched by your love story, mom.



JofY: But the author ain’t gonna write us love story. ‘Cause he don’t know to. ‘Cause we want one.



That was the best."



"Oh Dashie... My Little Dashie,"



SC276: No, I doubt we are ever going to actually do that.

JofY: And timer has started.

Crazy56U: Actually, there was a riff for it back in the old days of FFT3K, but for some

reason, it just... poofed. In fact, I think it’s still in Google Docs...



Firefly smiled before nuzzled on Rainbow's head gently.



"Speaking of love story," Rainbow Blaze said calmly as he looked around in searching and looking for someone, "Where is your hotshot, Dash?"



Scarlet: [Rainbow Blaze] “Shouldn’t he have popped out of the ether with the other guests?”

Crazy56U: Uh… (pulls out a Hot Shots! Part Deux DVD) D-does this count?



Heard of what her father had asked, Rainbow Dash looked worry and scared as she looked around for a while.



JofY: Oh no! He didn’t get through the teleporter! He’s stuck somewhere inside time

and space!

CaptainPipsueak: Lucky bastard. Well, he always said he wanted to see everything.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “I-I thought he was here…”



She nervously answered, "He'll be here... Somehow... I hope..."



KNOCK!



JofY: The police!

SC276: Cheese it, it’s the cops! *dives for the window*

Crazy56U: ...you mean “NOT!”, Narrator.



Rainbow Dash gasped happily as she dashed to the door at once. She opened it as she prayed it was Soarin.



JofY: And not his brother Sauron... Always staring at everyone.



Instead of him, she spotted a familiar friend coming in. She was none other than Aquastroke.



JofY: Isn’t that toothpaste?

SC276: Or a stroke you suffer in water.

Crazy56U: Or a- on second thought, nevermind.



"Aqua?" Rainbow Dash asked in shock and surprise.



Scarlet: No, Aqua, don’t do this! Kingdom Hearts 3 is coming, and you’re almost guaranteed a role in it!

Crazy56U: Given naming conventions among ponies, I take it she’s some kind of water-based pony? Or is she just eccentric?



"Hey Rainbow Dash," Aqua greeted Rainbow Dash, "Don't mind if I come in?"



Rainbow Dash nodded her head



SC276: That means she does mind. Stay out. You’re gonna track OC on the floor.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Yes. (slams the door shut)”



as she allowed and led Aqua into her house. Rainbow led Aqua to her family as she introduced the latter to them. They greeted happily and introduced to her back. She bowed in respect to them.



Scarlet: [Aqua] “Greetings, family of Rainbow Dash. This is my back.”

[Everyone] “Hello, Aqua’s back!”

SC276: Wait, does that mean Rainbow gets the girl love interest? Why is it always Rainbow that’s the lesbian?!

Crazy56U: I think it’s because of her mane… Chicks dig the multicolored hair...



"Hey, glad to see you're here. Have you seen Soarin?" Rainbow asked.



Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Remember? He’s Soarin’, flyin’, there’s not a star in

Heaven he can’t reach? Remember?”

SC276: Please, we have no chance of breaking free from this fic.



"No," Aqua shook her head before looked around of Rainbow's house for the moment,



Crazy56U: [Aqua] “Huh, you redecorated... I don’t like it!”



"But I was hoping Blazefist's here since he asked me to come. So, he's not here too?"



Scarlet: Ah, that beloved character Blazefist. Truly nothing would be complete without his presence!

CaptainPipsqueak: Such a scamp he is, with his merry japes and such!

SC276: So there’s two OCs per Mane 6. Of course there is.

Crazy56U: Oh God, please don’t say he’s a human...



"Nope. I'm afraid not..."



"Aw man... Where is he? I hope he's okay..."



"Same goes to my Soarin.



Crazy56U: No! Bad Rainbow! Slavery is wrong!



I hope he's okay from any kind of troubles," Rainbow said in worry.



Scarlet: Uh-oh! That sounds to me like it’s the lead-in for some wacky circumstances!

CaptainPipsqueak: And zany?

SC276: Well judging from the last two shorts and the author’s perceived lack of creativity, they’re probably shopping for Christmas cake.

JofY: That, or getting into events that have nothing to do with anything on hand.

CaptainPipsqueak: People really do eat those?

Crazy56U: Well, at least it isn’t fruitcake...



Aquastroke sighed as she patted on Rainbow's left shoulder, "Well, there's nothing we can do now.



Crazy56U: [Aqua] “Yeah, as far as we know, Soarin’ and Blazefist are dead, might as

well not care...”



Let's just talk with your parents. That usually help me calm down well."



SC276: How does talking to parents calm people down?

Crazy56U: If anything, it should make you more tense! TRUST ME



Rainbow smiled and nodded her head in agreement, "Yeah. Let's go."



JofY: Yay! They’re leaving the fic!

Crazy56U: If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs...



Aquastroke and Rainbow Dash turned and approached to Rainbow's Family and Friends



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Rainbow’s Family and Friends’ - the newest My Little Pony playset. Get yours today, just in time for Christmas!

Crazy56U: Rainbow turned her home into a pancake joint in the middle of this scene,

apparently...



as all of them were having some good conversation while waiting for both Soarin and Blazefist's returning here safely…



Scarlet: Nothing can start without the OCs present. It is fanfic law!

Crazy56U: (opens a can of Diet Coke) Yeah. “Good” conversation. Uh huh. Yep. Totally. (begins drinking)



Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct were screaming in fear as they were all running away from crazy and vicious Vampiric Jackalope.



Scarlet: ...I wasn’t sure how the story would deliver on the hijinks end of things, but this is probably the best it could’ve done. Bravo.

SC276: And I thought the Dastardly Whiplash earlier was freakin’ random.

JofY: Why do I feel like this is going turn Vampiric Jackalope into something really stupid?

CaptainPipsqueak: Turn into?

Crazy56U: (spits out Diet Coke) Holy fuck, tonal shift much?!



"I told you not to disturb those Jackalopes!" Blazefist exclaimed in anger.



CaptainPipsqueak: “You wacky, zany trickster you!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, I agree, what did the Jackalopes ever do to you?



"How am I suppose to know that?!" Laxtinct complained in fear and anger, "They're just too cute to resist! I want to play with them!"



Scarlet: Laxtinct- dumbest name in the story, but second OC I’ve begun to like.

SC276: The one stupid enough to try and pet wild animals on a whim?

Scarlet: Do you know how often it is that someone has the nuance to make an OC with actual flaws that bite him in the ass? I’m still trying to figure out how this happened!

JofY: Well, clearly he’s the comic relief. That means anything he does has to be punished.

Crazy56U: His name is a fucking laxative-brand name.



"CUTE?! Call them the FREAKS! Thanks a lot!" Soarin argued.



Crazy56U: Holy fuck, why is Soarin’ being racist?!



"Save the argument! And keep on running!" Blazefist cried in fear.



SC276: At least one of them can fly!

JofY: Maybe!

Crazy56U: Yeah, Blazefist, stop dicking around and fly already! Leave the others for

dead!



As the trio continued running, they came by a familiar valley Rainbow Dash had most of pets put on the race for her to choose. They ran through the Ghastly Gorge.



JofY: There was padding that they had to go through. The padding that they went to remove was surprisingly redundant.

Crazy56U: Remember? “May The Best Pet Win”? Introduced Tank to the world? Was

the episode right before that Mare-Do-Well bullcrap?



The Vampiric Jackalopes continued chasing after them.



Scarlet: Please tell me this ends with a quarry eel eating the jackalopes.

SC276: Or the ponies. Can’t afford to be picky at this point.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Everyone gets eaten and the story comes to a quiet end. ‘Vore and Peace’ you might say.

Crazy56U: My money is on the eels teaming up with the Jackalopes and taking over

the world...



While during their running, the trio encountered some of obstacles standing in their ways; the dropping and falling rocks, windy cave, sharped and thorny bramble bushes and attacking Quarrey Eels.



Soarin groaned in annoyance, "Just great..."



JofY: “We just had a great action scene and it was ignored completely.”

CaptainPisqueak: As though that wasn’t a favour.

Crazy56U: Oh, no! The previously established eels!



"Keep on running," Blazefist cried, "We'll cover you!"



Scarlet: [Blazefist] “Don’t fly away! They’ll be expecting that!”

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “We’ll be your meatshields!”



"Hopefully some Jackalopes stopped following us," Latxtinct exclaimed in fear.



Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct ran through the long valley of Ghastly Gorge. The vampiric Jackalopes chased and went after them.



During their journey in running through some dangerous obstacles, the trio fought back against them.



JofY: Wow! What a show! How visual! It’s like I’m really there.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why, if I close my eyes, I can almost envision...no. Nope. Can’t pull off bullshit like that.

Crazy56U: Yes, because that is totally definitely actually happening...



Blazefist fired his Firestorm Phoenix and Fireballs at them for few times while dodging the attacks.



SC276: He has named elemental attack moves?! Fuck, did Mykan breach this?!

Crazy56U: What, was a flamethrower just too expensive for you?



Soarin flew through the valley while dodging the attacks. Laxtinct; worn his Earth Armor-like,



Crazy56U: “Like” what? Like armor?

JofY: I believe the term is, ‘Clothing.’



charged in as he bashed and knocked some rocks off and away from him.



Scarlet: This is the worst Let’s Play of Dynasty Warriors I have ever seen.

JofY: And that’s when the laxative hit.

Crazy56U: Laxtinct used Rock Smash! It’s super effective!



As for the vampiric Jackalopes, they continued chasing after the trio. Passing through the windy caves, most of vampiric Jackolopes were blow and pushed away by the strong wind. Some were unable to get through the bushes because of sharp thorns. And finally, they stopped before get attacked by the Quarray Eels from walls and ground.



Scarlet: *holds up the “You Tried” sticker from a previous riff* Here you go, author. You deserve it.

JofY: No they don’t! They didn’t try at all!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but if Scarlet gave them a “You Failed” sticker, that’d just be kind of dickish.

Crazy56U: Oh, fuck, the eels still exist!



After passing through some crazy Ghastly Gorge, three ponies made safely to the hill as they took a deep breathe while panted heavily.



"Let's not do that again," Laxtinct remarked.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, for the love of God don’t.

Crazy56U: Because Heaven forbid you do something in this- I can’t finish this

sentence; I agree, never do that again.



Blazefist nodded his head in agreement, "Yeah... Hopefully we don't get to that mess again..."



SC276: Yeah right, 420.

Crazy56U: Oh God, he’s self-aware of what story he’s in...



Soarin took a present out from his saddlebag. As he checked on it, he sighed in relief, "Man, that was close... It's still safe."



Scarlet: And then it was snatched by an eagle!

JofY: If only one of them could fly!

CaptainPipsqueak: Jeez, and I thought Fluttershy was being dumb the last riff...

Crazy56U: ...was it a safe?



"So, what's inside the present?" Laxtinct asked curiously.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Explosives.”

Crazy56U: Another present!

SC276: WHAT’S IN THE BOX, JOKEY?!



Soarin smirked, "Not telling, Lax. Not until we've reached to Rainbow Dash's Home in one piece."



SC276: [Soarin] “Then the audience would know it too!”

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m still hoping it’s explosives. Take them all out at once.

Crazy56U: Hey now, don’t turn into a crossover on us, story...



Laxtinct was about to ask, but stopped by Blazefist as he said, "Come on, bro. Stop asking him. We've got some job to do. And we're going to end it."



Scarlet: Once... and for all.

CaptainPipsqueak: DunndunnDUNNN!

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Yes, we must end it… (pulls out a knife) Sorry, Soarin’!”

[Soarin’] “Wait, wha- (STABSTABSTAB)”

THE END



Laxtinct sighed in defeat, "Fine... Better worth our time..."



SC276: No, it’s not.

Crazy56U: HAH



Soarin nodded his head in agreement, "We'd better get going. We're so late for the party!"



The trio headed off as they journeyed all the way to Rainbow's Home.



SC276: That’s the name on the playset box, we’re rolling with it.

Scarlet: Now available from the same bootleggers who brought you the Agrestia mega-playset!

Crazy56U: And then, five minutes later, they realized they were lost.



For nearly an hour had passed, the trio entered the long way down on the steep and rocky mountain area.



JofY: What? Why? How? What? These questions and more will never be answered.

CaptainPipsqueak: Things happened then more things happened. Then characters spoke and still more things happened.

Crazy56U: What, did they make a pit stop to destroy the One Ring?



They also looked out for any sign of troubles.



SC276: Those troublesome troubles are always causing trouble.

CaptainPipsqueak: And if you see two, then your trouble is doubled!

Crazy56U: They found issues, conflicts, and bad times, but no troubles to be seen...



Upon reaching to the large open field, they found more of holes. They recognized the area very well.



"This must be Diamond Dogs' Mines," Soarin said in concern.



Scarlet: [Soarin] “Which I have visited several times before and thus know about.”

Crazy56U: You could tell that just by looking at some holes. Soarin’ is best detective.



Blazefist nodded his head in confirmation, "Yeah. We'd better be careful. The last thing I want is those freaks to mess with the wrong guys."



SC276: Couldn’t they just go around the field or something? I’ve already lost track of what they’re doing, aren’t they heading back to Rainbow’s house?

JofY: They’re taking the scenic route.

CaptianPipsqueak: “If you look to your left, you can see a cliff face. If you look to your right, you can see a cli-- y’know, there really isn’t a hell of a lot to see here, is there?”

Crazy56U: What is it with you and freaks?!



"I wonder who you are referring to," Laxtinct wondered curiously.



Soarin sighed in annoyance, "He meant us, Lax."



SC276: I mean, obviously, they are the wrong guys.

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “No, I didn’t, shut up!”



He patted on his saddlebag for three times gently, "Come on, we'd better get going. I've got to make sure that my precious gift



CaptainPipsqueak: Pleasebeexplosives Pleasebeexplosives Pleasebeexplosives...

Crazy56U: Which I’m now convinced is weed.



is secured until we reached home safely."



JofY: “Neither of you two matter though.”

Crazy56U: [Soarin’] “You two are part of my present, so don’t die.”



"Right..." Blazefist and Laxtinct nodded their heads in agreement.



As the trio continued walking down the mountain's road,



SC276: Why are they not flying.

Scarlet: We told you already! The enemy will be expecting that!

Crazy56U: Walking burns more calories.



the bushes from left side were lowered down. Three familiar creatures chuckled evilly as they showed their wicked smiles and chuckling noise.



SC276: We get it, author, they’re laughing, lay off already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why would he start now?

Crazy56U: It was Larry with his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl...



They turned and looked at each other before nodded their heads.



As Soarin and his friends were passing the large tree by, a fishing hook came down and grasped Soarin's bag up.



JofY: Oh no! Flying thief worms!

Crazy56U: Lakitu turned to petty theft!



Upon seeing the attack, Laxtinct jumped and grabbed the fishing hook down hard, causing the fisherman to the ground.



Scarlet: [Laxtinct] “SHINY!”

Crazy56U: Was it a zombie fisherman?



"Ow! That hurt!" Spot exclaimed painfully.



SC276: Why is a dog in a tree, and given the environment of the surface near where Diamond Dogs are show to live, how could they not see a big dog in a tree sooner?

CaptainPipsqueak: Reasons.

Crazy56U: [Spot] “I think you broke my neck!”



"Trying to steal Soarin's present, aren't you?" Laxtinct asked angrily, "Guess what? No way."



Crazy56U: [Laxtinct] “(deadpan) I am extremely upset over this current development. Hell hath no fury like a Laxtinct scorned.”



"Yes way, pony..." Rover's voice spoke darkly.



JofY: Well, take a drink of water then.



The trio turned and encountered more of Diamond Dog Guards and their masters: Rover and Fido.



SC276: Wait, I lost track. There were three Diamond Dogs in a tree, and a Wonderbolt didn’t notice?

JofY: Is there a slave and master system that I’m not aware of here?

Crazy56U: No, Rover and Fido just pay really well.



Rover chuckled, "So, hand over that bag to us. We'll let you go."



SC276: What is with villains trying to steal presents from the Mane 6 one way or another?

Scarlet: “We have nothing to do, a grudge against you guys, and trying to actually cause physical harm to you is too much effort.”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “We just want the bag, so you can keep whatever’s in it! Cool? :D”



"Yeah... Give us the bag..." Fido said calmly.



Soarin groaned in anger as he kept the bag closed to him, "Over my dead body, doggies!"



SC276: Welp, you heard him, boys! *pulls out a crossbow*

Scarlet: I can’t mash the ‘Fight’ button hard enough!

Crazy56U: [Rover] “...poor choice of words. (proceeds to maul Soarin’ to death)”

THE END



"Listen up, pals. We can do it the easy way -" Blazefist said firmly while crossing his hooves,



JofY: Desperately trying to hide the fact that he meant to pound his hoofs together.

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “where we beat you to death,”



"- or the hard way..."



SC276: Dude, the “easy way” is to go above them because the guy with the box can fly!

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Where we beat you to death with a spoon!”



Rover groaned in annoyance before roared in anger, "Just give us the bag now!" He charged in as he was about to throw a punch on Soarin, but got tripped by the latter's left knee after the dodge.



JofY: No, that’s a counter attack.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a “I Don’t Think You Even Tried At All” sticker)



Rover groaned in anger as he slowly got up and glared at the ponies, "GET THEM! I WANT THAT BAG!"



SC276: [Rover] “NOT FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON, I’M JUST THE VILLAIN OF THIS SHORT!”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “RANDOM MOTIVES!”



Fido screamed, "Get them!"



Diamond Dogs charged in and attacked on their enemies. Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct sighed in annoyance.



JofY: They were out of sync with one another. How indecent.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, technically you guys started this, don’t be smart!



Here they go again…



Scarlet: Laxtinct engaged the recording of The Aquabats he had saved for just such an occasion.

SC276: You mean they’ve gotten into combat situations they could have easily avoided before?

Crazy56U: It could be ten, but then again I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four.



Diamond Dogs jumped and attacked on Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct. The latter dodged and avoided the attacks while punching and kicking the Diamond Dogs hard and quick.



Scarlet: Kick, punch, it’s all in the mind!

SC276: Alright, we’re here, just sittin’ in the car!

Crazy56U: Crack crack crack the egg into the bowl! M-I-X the flour into the bowl!

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m workin’ in de flea market so early, I been workin’ here since me Momma was a baby...



Fido and Spot charged in and attacked both Blazefist and Laxtinct hard and quick, but the latter dodged and avoided it while moving to their backs.



JofY: Quick! Aim for underneath the ear. They love getting massaged there.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh, goody, more fighting, I don’t care, skipping ahead...



They waited for the moment as two Diamond Dogs charged in and rammed at their enemies. Blazefist and Laxtinct moved to left side before Fido and Spot slammed on each other's face hard.



JofY: Yes, the left side of however they’re positioned.



The brothers smirked proudly.



Scarlet: If these two start speaking in Spanish, I’m out of here.

SC276: No hablo Ingles.



Soarin faced off against Rover who swung his paws at his enemies hard and quick. Soarin dodged and avoided the attacks before punching on Rover's face for three times,



SC276: I can do it! I can do it three times!



and then kicked him off. Smirked in relief, Soarin was about to pat on his bag. But felt his sides only instead. He found his bag was missing.



JofY: Oh, there it is. It’s gone.



"YES! I have it!" Rover cried happily.





SC276: How the hell did that happen?!

Crazy56U: Don’t ask me...



The trio turned and glared at Rover caught the bag as he was about to open it, "Time to get my present!"



Scarlet: Jeez, all that effort for a greeting card.

Crazy56U: Dude, you could’ve easily used some of your diamonds to buy yourself a present...



Diamond Dogs came and surrounded Rover as they all watched and see what they had. Instead of showing proud and excited faces, they shown shock faces.



Scarlet: They had left their Proud Faces at home by mistake.

JofY: “Underwear!? The hell?”

Crazy56U: Oh, noes! The bag was the gift!



"What is this?!" Rover asked in shock.



SC276: [Rover] “What the fuck?! This is seriously messed up, dude!”

Crazy56U: [Rover] “What the fuck is Shrek the Halls?!”



"I'll take that!" Soarin exclaimed in anger as he dashed and grabbed it quickly. He reunited with his allies, "Didn't expect that, did ya? Love to chat, but we're seriously late!"



Scarlet: Tell us more about it when you’ve got the time!

Crazy56U: We’re not gonna make it! LET’S SPEED UP!



Soarin, Blazefist and Laxtinct turned and immediately left the area while leaving most of Diamond Dogs dumbfounded and shocked.



Rover groaned in annoyance, "I hate those ponies..."



Scarlet: Next time, Gadget!

SC276: I hate that hedgehog!

CaptainPipsqueak: Miss Tessmacherrrrrrrrr!

Crazy56U: (ba dum tish)



As Rainbow Dash and her family continued partying for Hearth's Warming Eve, the door was slammed in opening.



SC276: They didn’t even knock first? Rude.

JofY: Door, we’re here to talking about your drinking problem when you are opened.

Crazy56U: “POLICE! You’re all under arrest!”



They turned and found three familiar ponies who panted in exhaustion.



"Hey... We're here..." Soarin panted.



Rainbow Dash and Aquastroke charged in and jumped on both Soarin and Blazefist to the ground hard. The girls chuckled happily and in amusement while hugging duo boys tightly and happily. They then kissed on boys' lips for the moment.



Scarlet: Not these boys, mind you. Some other unidentified group of boys.

SC276: So, wait, why is Rainbow the only one that has a boyfriend that’s not an OC?

Scarlet: Because Caramel didn’t actually exist last story. Duh!

Crazy56U: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...



The girls then slapped on Soarin's and Blazefist's face hard.



Scarlet: *snaps a picture for posterity*

SC276: That’s what you get for not flying!

JofY: Well, then they would be expecting that.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, that just turned them on. Rainbow and Aqua, that is.



"Where were you?!" Aquastroke demanded angrily.



Rainbow Dash nodded her head, "Yeah! You had me worry.



CaptainPipsqueak: What, me worry?

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(slurring) What’d ya mean I’m drunk, no you’re worry!

(hic!)”



What you've been doing?!"



"Long story," Soarin answered



SC276: [Soarin] “Probably one that could’ve been avoided in any number of ways, come to think of it.”

Crazy56U: [Soarin’] “Too long. Got any booze left?”



before he smiled as he took a Daring Do Book out while giving it to her, "A gift to you, Dash."



JofY: [Rainbow] “Uh… This is just men’s underwear.”

Crazy56U: Damn it, I wanted the gift to be stupid...



Rainbow Dash was speechless while dumbfounded, "Oh my gosh... I can't believe it! It's here!" She turned and looked at Soarin with her shock expression, "How?!"



Scarlet: [Rainbow] “I already own, like, a complete set! Two of them!”

JofY: “In fact, I’ve already made friends with the author!”

Crazy56U: Because bookstores are a myth.



Soarin smiled, "Let's say... I have a friend of mine telling me about it."



Aqua beamed her eyes at Blazefist while helping him up, "Were you the one to told him?"



"You bet," Blazefist smirked proudly.



Scarlet: [Aqua] “Wait, her boyfriend didn’t even know she was into Daring Do?”

[Blazefist] “You’ll have to forgive Soarin’. He’s dumb.”

Crazy56U: [Blazefist] “Glad to know I had a point in this story!”



"Oh you..." Aquastroke said happily before kissing on Blazefist's lips gently and passionately.



SC276: Oh great, OCxOC now. We have original fiction for that, author!

Crazy56U: We also have Original Sin...



Rainbow Dash giggled in amusement as she got up and helped Soarin up as well. She then introduced him and two Mystic Ponies to her family



SC276: If you’re talking about the OCs, they already met one. Pay attention to your own plot.

Crazy56U: Okay, now I don’t know what the fuck a Mystic Pony is...



before they had a long chat and good laugh. The party just started…



Scarlet: Is this the part where the Mystic Ponies save Angel Grove from monsters yet?

JofY: No, they live in New Zeighland.

Scarlet: Aaah, good catch.

Crazy56U: ANNNND… scene.



The End...



Main Cast:

Matt Hill: Soarin

David Faustino: Blazefist



Crazy56U: So, you mean to tell me that Bud Bundy-



B.J. Byrne: Laxtinct



Crazy56U: Someone who I think you made up-



Ashleigh Ball: Rainbow Dash

Kelly Metzger: Spitfire, Firefly (G4)



JofY: As opposed to the G3 Firefly in this story.



Madeleine Peters: Scootaloo

Janet Varney: Aqaustroke



Crazy56U: Korra-



Scott McNeil: Rover, Rainbow Blaze



Crazy56U: Chief Thunderhooves-



Gary Chalk: Fido



Crazy56U: Optimus Primal-



Lee Tockar: Spot



CaptainPipsqueak: Zaphod Beeblebrox: Just This Guy, Y’know?

Scarlet: And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver!

Crazy56U: And Gummy all turned out for this?

JofY: Nobody: The entire crew.



Preview:



A Snow Date:



SC276: That’s… not really a pun.

Crazy56U: It’s not even that; if anything, it’s a description of the timeframe of these shorts...



Rarity was dateless since the broke up with Trenderhoof due to some works.



Crazy56U: ...yeah, no. (gets up and leaves)



Sweetie Belle was determined to get her a good date for Hearth's Warming Eve. Who is he?



JofY: Who is who?



Can he help and cheer Rarity up for Hearth's Warming Eve?



SC276: Fifteen bucks says she and “Trenderhoof” hook back up, because how else could this possibly go?

JofY: I’ll take that bet.



Review and Suggest…



CaptainPipsqueak: This is terrible. Stop writing.



Short 4: A Snow Date



At Carousal Boutique, Rarity was helping Sweetie Belle in setting the Christmas Tree for Hearth's Warming Eve since her family were on winter vacation.



SC276: Just like how Free Country, USA celebrate Decemberween and yet has Christmas lights.



For nearly an hour in decorating and completing the tree, Sweetie Bell levitated the golden star up.



JofY: And accidently caused the tree to fall over.



She slowly put it on top of tree's.



Scarlet: Using her magic to split it into a fractal star first, of course.

SC276: It took her an hour to do that.



"All done," Sweetie Belle smiled.



Rarity sighed in relief, "Good to hear. Now that is done. I'm going to do some of dresses."



Scarlet: Why not ALL the dresses?

SC276: All of them.



Sweetie Belle looked shock and surprise as she turned and looked at her older sister, "Huh? Why? Don't you have someone to date with, like Trenderhoof? He is your boyfriend."



"Not anymore..."



"Why? What happen?"



CaptainPipsqueak: [Rarity] “Someone set up us the bomb.”

SC276: Finally, a canon dated by an OC that got her sense back!



Rarity sighed in defeat, "We had some argument lately after the Third Mystic War.



SC276: I hate his continuity already.



Trenderhoof found someone he likes. I can't blame him for not liking the war very much.



JofY: “But he goes on and on, asking what’s it’s good for.”



He's a celebrity, not a soldier."



Scarlet: Well, I know what to say if I ever go through a break-up and get asked about it now.



"Why not find someone else to date with?" Sweetie Belle suggested happily.



Rarity sighed as she answered, "What's the point? I might end up in despair again."



SC276: *holds up a Monokuma plush* Upupupupu…~

JofY: ‘Love is pointless because it can fail.’ Spoken like a true Final Fantasy villain.



She gasped in shock, "THIS- IS- THE- WORST- THING- EVER- HAPPEN!"



Scarlet: Roll the clip, guys. Yes, you know the one.

SC276: The WORST! POSSIBLE! THING! is that you screwed the meme up!

CapainPipsqueak: I think he’s trying to mix that meme with ‘All Your Base’. Quite a bold move.



Rarity gave a loud yet long sigh before falling on her back while levitating the red cushion to her.



SC276: This gag was killed after the episode it was introduced, author. Are you a necromancer?

JofY: I’d doubt it. There isn’t any life at all in this.



She leaned her back to it while showing her weak and unhappy face. She looked at the ceiling.



JofY: “And now the paint’s chipping.”



She closed her eyes in taking a nap.



Scarlet: Yeah, I want to sit this one out too.

SC276: She saw Jane run.

CaptainPipsqueak: How does she keep escaping?



"Oh Rarity..." Sweetie Belle said in concern.



Nothing she can do, Sweetie Belle exited the Casual Boutique as she was looking for a friend to help her out.



Scarlet: The Carousel Boutique had eventually built a casual-Friday geared spin-off.



Sweetie Belle met up with Icy from the Town's Hall. She explained to the latter about the situation Rarity was facing and dealing with.



Icy hummed softly, "That must be hard for her..."



SC276: ...That’s it? “Icy” is her whole name? Gheeze, someone’s parents hated their kids…

JofY: [Icy] “But anyways, onto destroying this planet.”



"I know," Sweetie Belle sighed in concern, "I want to help her. I want to make Rarity to have a good date.



SC276: I want to make this story to have a good syntax.



I don't want to make her sad again." She looked down in sadness and pain,



JofY: She just realized that she had been stabbed.



"not like what my dream had said..."



Scarlet: Did I skip like half a story here? What dream now?

SC276: If it’s referring to the “Ghost of Stitching Future” thing from that episode I can’t remember the name of, being paranoid about driving her sister to ruin is not what I expected Sweetie to become.



"Don't worry," Icy said calmly as she placed her hoof over Sweetie's shoulder, "I'll help you."



"Really?"



"Sure. And I know the pony who can help us too."



"Who?"



"Follow me."



Scarlet: [Icy] “Surprise! It’s me wearing chaps! Rarity will dig this!”



Confused and worried of what Icy was planning, Sweetie Belle reluctant in following her friend to whatever Icy was trying to do.



Both Sweetie Belle and Icy entered Shorty's Invention Workshop.



SC276: Hey, we have a limit, buddy! Two OCs per chapter!

JofY: Didn’t the first chapter have like six?



They checked and met up with Shorty Thinking, who was inventing more of advanced and effective fireworks for Equestria's Celebration Holidays.



SC276: Great, another Brain guy.



Icy explained the situation to him about what really happen while Shorty was working.



Scarlet: Shorty Thinking and Poorly Writing sound like the pair who collabed on this story.



Shorty sighed, "Sorry, Icy. I'm an inventor and strategist to Water Tiger Kingdom,



SC276: “I AM OHM PHLEGM POT CLEANER TO FROND ELVEN KING.”

CaptainPipqueak: Me Grimlock!



not a matchmaker. I don't know much of who is good for Rarity."



Sweetie Belle sighed, "Not one? Come on. There has to be one."



SC276: Why are you asking an inventor about love life?

JofY: Because instead of finding the best boyfriend, they’re going to make it!



"Well, there is-" Putting his glass down, Shorty Thinking took a closer look on firework rocket's flank as he move the wire slowly and gently in putting together with it;



SC276: Why does the firework have a butt?



"-Spike. I heard that he used to have a 'crush' on her. Why not ask him to help out?"



Scarlet: [Shorty] “I mean, who would understand romance better than a drake who’s barely out of elementary school?”



Icy smiled, "Good idea."



JofY: Pedophilia, and bestiality. The best ideas.



"Got problem," Sweetie Belle said in concern,



SC276: When suddenly, Russia.



"Spike's with Twilight. They're making for some Hearth's Warming Eve."



SC276: Meanwhile, we’re making for the border.



"Well, that's too bad. There's nothing I can do," Shorty Thinking said as he put the rocket aside.



Scarlet: [Shorty] “I mean, unless you want me to take the Carousel Boutique by storm using only myself and three bottle-rockets.”



"Speaking of 'nothing'," Icy said curiously, "Aren't you going to have some holiday after the work?"



"Not really. I'm busy. I can't afford to slack off. My home may require my service. I have to be ready."



SC276: And you’re here and not at the aforementioned home because why now?



"Don't you have... 'crush' on Rarity?"



JofY: Excuse me sir, do you have a cup of crushed Rarity?



Shorty Thinking hummed softly while bitten his lips gently, "Sort of..."



Scarlet: How terribly convenient!



"Maybe you should take her out?"



"Nah... I don't think she would take a geek like me out for a date."



Scarlet: Yeah, those geeks. Always with the building of fireworks and siege weapons and planning to defend their kingdoms!

SC276: Yeah, that line just proves he’s gonna be the one. No use fighting fate now.



"Come on..."



"I say 'no', Icy. Please, I'm busy now..." Shorty insisted.



Icy huffed in annoyance at Shorty's ignorance and refusal of taking Rarity's out.



JofY: Her search for an assassin went nowhere.



Instead of disappointing, she smiled; leaving Sweetie Belle confuse.



SC276: Not just her.



"Fine. We're leaving," Icy said calmly as she and Sweetie Belle exited the workshop.



Scarlet: [Icy] “Peace out, bitches, I don’t have to be in this story anymore! Woooo!”



"Icy, what are you doing?" Sweetie Belle asked in worry.



Icy gave Sweetie Belle a smile, "I've got the plan. And you're gonna like it."



SC276: We’re not, most likely.



Sweetie Belle looked worry and confuse of what Icy had said but decided to listen to her plan...



At the frozen lake during the evening, Rarity worn with both pink and white stripes of scarf and a snow hat like she was waiting for someone.



SC276: Well mostly she’s waiting for the ice to break so she can get out of this story...



She sighed in annoyance as she was nervous and worried about meeting her secret admirer since she received this evening.



SC276: Does it really make it a secret admirer if it’s one time? Just feels cheap to me.

JofY: Well, using the word stalker costs more.



While waiting, she spotted a familiar unicorn worn with crimson scarf and goggle entered the area. Rarity gasped in surprise.



Scarlet: Not Tai from Digimon! I didn’t want to do another Displaced fic!



'Shorty Thinking is my secret admirer?' Rarity thought in shock.



SC276: [Rarity] “I thought he was gay!”



Shorty Thinking look surprise and shock, 'Rarity is my secret admirer?!' He gulped in fear as he approached to Rarity's location while smiling in nervous.



SC276: And frowning in ecstatic.



He thought, 'Okay, be polite; don't hurt her feelings.'



Scarlet: [Shorty] “Just tell her you’re gay. It’ll be easy. You can do this.”



Rarity gulped in fear, 'Okay, be polite; don't hurt his feeling.'



Scarlet: [Rarity] “Just tell him you’ve known he’s gay for like six months now and he can stop pretending. It’ll be easy. You can do this.”



Rarity cleared her throat as she nervously said, "Shorty, how are - you?"



JofY: [Shorty] “I’m gay!... Uh... You know… Happy?”



"Hmm... Uh... Oh... Fine," Shorty answered nervously before cleared his throat, "How're about you?"



Rarity smiled nervously, "Good... Good..."



Scarlet: [Shorty and Rarity] “God damn it!”

SC276: Have they fallen through the ice yet?



Shorty and Rarity looked down and stared at the lake for the moment before they looked at each other again. They smiled.



SC276: So, wait, the water isn’t frozen? When it’s winter in Ponyville, where we know it’s like the north U.S. as far as weather?



"So..." Rarity asked nervously, "do you like skating? I was sure that the Water Tiger Kingdom had done this before in their lives."



Scarlet: Every single one of them, including the old and senile!

SC276: Is the lake frozen or not?!



Shorty nervously laughed, "Well, it's true... But-" He bitten his lips hard and shown his nervous and embarrassed crimson face, "I'm not exactly good at it. So, I ashamed to do it."



Scarlet: Don’t laugh, he once lost an ancestor to an honor-suicide brought on by poor skating performance.



Rarity giggled nervously, "It's okay. I'm not used to it too. But I will help. Just follow what I do."



Shorty gulped in worry, "Okay..."



Rarity and Shorty tied up with their snow skating as they were all prepared to skate. As Shorty made his move in skating, his legs shaken as he tried to stable himself on the frozen lake. Trying to stand up, he was shaking hard as he struggled in getting together while standing straight. He fell his head on ice hard.



Scarlet: Quick, roll the credits!



Rarity gasped as she approached to Shorty and helped him up. She then helped and taught him of how the skating works.



SC276: [Rarity] “It’s a bit like a lawnmower. First you yank this cord really hard...”



Each time he tried, he fell to the frozen ice by his face, back or sides very hard. As they both continued, Shorty finally manage in getting use to skating on the ice. He laughed happily as he skated gracefully and gently across the ice.



Scarlet: We’ve secretly replaced the ice on this pond with paper-thin safety glass! Let’s see if they notice.



Rarity giggled happily as she then started in skating with him. Both her an Shorty Thinking skated happily while showing their moves in crossing, jumping and landing on ice gracefully, gently and happily. They both smiled at each other as they continued skating.



Scarlet: Do they just sell scenes like this for a dollar at the local bookstore?

SC276: More like a dime a dozen. Which is cheap as fuck in this economy.



Icy and Sweetie Belle were hiding behind of bushes.



SC276: Do they fart?



They watched and seen what Shorty and Rarity had been doing. The little fillies smiled happily and in relief.



Scarlet: Icy is a filly which was obvious of course.

SC276: This is a direct result of voting for the Fazpony fic. I’m starting to regret that now.



As Both Rarity and Shorty Thinking stopped their skating, they looked at each other's faces. They both smiled in relief and happy for each other's company. All they did was staring and looking at each other.



Scarlet: SC, roll the song clip. You know the one!

SC276: ~And I looked at her… / And she looked at me...~



Unable to wait for long, Sweetie Belle jumped up and screamed, "Aw come on!"



JofY: [Sweetie] “Tell them you’re gay already!”



"SWEETIE BELLE!" Three ponies exclaimed in shock and worry.



Sweetie Belle yelped in shock and worry, "Oops! Hi Rarity..."



SC276: Caught by the meme! The exact opposite of saved by the bell.



"Sweetie Belle?! Were you the one send a letter to me?!" Rarity asked angrily.



SC276: Did the word “to” push the author in the mud and laugh at them as a child?



Sweetie Belle nodded her head. She groaned in annoyance as she marched straight to her younger sister while muttered, "I swear to Celestia's when we get back home, you and I are gonna-!"



Scarlet: Um, wait, how did Sweetie Belle being present remotely indicate she sent the letter?

SC276: And Icy took advantage of the distraction to vamoose, apparently.



Rarity tripped on the ice as she was about to fall down. Seeing her falling, Shorty quickly grabbed her before pulling and holding her up.



JofY: And cut her with the skates he was wearing.



They both gasped in shock as they felt their heart beating quickly and hard while looking at each other for a moment.



Scarlet: Is this in the display case behind the ice-skating love scenes at those bookstores?



They quickly departed while laughed nervously and embarrassed. They then smiled at each other before holding their hooves while looking at each other. Both Icy and Sweetie Belle sighed in relief before heading to meet up with both Rarity and Shorty Thinking.



SC276: I still find it hard to believe she’s just named “Icy.”



"Rarity, I'm sorry for going behind your back to write a secret admirer's letter to you and Shorty," Sweetie Belle apologized.



Scarlet: [Sweetie] “I can’t believe I didn’t realize Shorty was gay!”



Icy nodded her head, "We just want to make you both happy."



SC276: No matter the cost.



"Oh... I can't stay mad, can I," Rarity joked before hugged Sweetie Belle to her, "But I'm happy now. I'm so relief to have a good gift."



Shorty Thinking nodded his head, "Me too. This is the best Hearth's Warming Eve I ever had..."



SC276: ...It just now occurs to me that fireworks are stupid things to have for Christmas.



Rarity and Shorty Thinking leaned close and gave each other a long yet passionate kiss to each other's lips. Both Sweetie Belle and Icy smiled happily.



Scarlet: [Shorty and Rarity] “We instantly regret this decision.”



The End…



Crazy56U: (comes back) Is it over? ...good.



Main Casts:

Jackson Robinson: Shorty Thinking



Crazy56U: I’m… not entirely sure this is a real person, given how Google only gives me results for Jackie Robinson when I try to look him up. ...so, unless Jackie Robinson came back to life and became a voice actor...



Tabitha St. Germain: Rarity

Claire Corlett: Sweetie Belle

Kristen Belle: Icy



Scarlet: And introducing Adam Ant!

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, it’s Veronica Mars. ...‘kay...



Preview:



CaptainPipsqeak: Next time, on a very special episode of Clone High...



My Guardian Bat: Fluttershy was asked by Cheerilee to perform a beautiful song at the school but refused due to her stage fright. Can Terrorcreep help and convince her to perform in singing? Will his appearance affect the school?



Scarlet: I’m just going to take this box of bad touch jokes, set it down next to me, and pull them out as the need arises.

SC276: ...Terrorcreep. Terrorcreep. That’s… *chokes a bit* Mykan’s names are less stupid. There, I fucking said it!

Crazy56U: ...yeah, no. ...again. (gets up and leaves)



Review and Suggest...



SC276: STOP. NOW.



Short 5: My Guardian Bat



JofY: Or as it’s otherwise known, “My Guardian Chicken of the Cave”



During the morning, Fluttershy was checking on all of the animals as they were all heading straight to the small and big caves, trees' holes and more shielding area for them.



Scarlet: In order to avoid winter’s AoE.

JofY: Quick! Get to the cover!



She was helping and making sure that all of the animals had the comfortable and good place for them to take the hibernation.



SC276: And move it someplace else.



But some animals like ducks and birds were leaving the area while migrating to the dry and warm area for them to live and stay.



Scarlet: Those ungrateful bastards would be hunted down and shot in good time.



Other than her helping the animals, Terrorcreep also helped her in checking on the animals.



SC276: The animals the animals, the animals. The animals? The animals!

JofY: The animals.



While they were checking, she hummed softly yet harmonically during their working. Most of the animals smiled happily as they listened to her while moving and entering their sheltering areas.



Scarlet: I know that’s supposed to be Fluttershy there, but the sentence confusion makes me think Terrorcreep is actually a Disney Princess.

SC276: Is there a lesbian pairing in this fic? I would like to know that straight-up.



Terrorcreep smiled as he looked and listened to her beautifully voice in singing and humming. He also decided to join in singing as well.



SC276: And then all the animals ran away.



Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep continued humming and singing while working for nearly an hour.



JofY: They were both losing their voices by now.



Aftermath, they both took a break in resting. They took a sip of water.



Scarlet: A little glass of water, please?

SC276: ~A fresh-pressed hanky if I sneeze...~



Terrorcreep turned and looked at Fluttershy, "That was impressive, Fluttershy. Your voice of singing have touch my soul..."



Scarlet: There is no chance to escape make you time.

SC276: Despite being a couple and Fluttershy always being a great singer, this is the first time he’s heard it.



Fluttershy smiled before nuzzling on his head, "Thank you. That was very kind of you, Terrorcreep."



SC276: Everyone else is finding it ridiculous that she’s supposed to be saying that with affection, right?!



"Fluttershy, there was something I ask."



"What is it?"



"If you had a sweet angel voice, why won't you go for the audition? This will help you achieve more success..."



Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “And then we’ll go all the way to the top, baby! Think about it, you and me kid!”

SC276: He’s dating her, and he can’t figure that out himself?



Fluttershy yelped in fear before shaken in fear and worry, "Me?! Audition?!" She gulped in worry before shaking in fear, "I don't think I can do it. I really can't."



Sensing fear within her body, he spoke calmly and firmly, "Was the fear of going to the stage doubt your ability or disapprove from the audience?"



JofY: Surely, it’s not because you just don’t want to do it.

CaptainPipsqeak: Don’t call her ‘Shirley’.



Fluttershy sighed before nodded her head. He sighed, "I know how you feel, Fluttershy. You shouldn't let fear get to you. You can do it."



Scarlet: Shia Labeouf briefly considered making a cameo here but decided his image couldn’t take the hit.



"I know... But I can't. I'm sorry."



SC276: End the chapter now. End the chapter now!



"Fluttershy... There are times you need to do it; not for yourself but for others. Because if you don't, there will be sadness and pain."



JofY: Yes, the fate of millions depends on you, doing karaoke.

CaptainPipsqueak: And the fate of billions rests on you saying ‘No.’



Fluttershy thought of the moment before she sighed, "I guess. I can try, Terrorcreep."



SC276: Those OCs, they drive me to drink!



Terrorcreep had his bat wings in grabbing and covering Fluttershy's body before smiling at her, "Everything will be fine. I promise."



Scarlet: And Terrorcreep has grabbed someone. Bad Touch Joke #1, go! *tosses it into the air*



Fluttershy smiled. She liked Terrorcreep so much for showing his smile and reassuring, even though he was just an undead yet Vampire Mystic Pony.



SC276: This is morning, right? Which means unless he’s following Marceline rules, Fluttershy’s dating a Twilight pastiche.



To her, she was his Prince Charming. Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep gave each other a gentle nuzzle.



Scarlet: I’m sorry, but now I’m picturing Fluttershy starring in an Utena crossover and actually that doesn’t sound terrible.

CaptainPipsqueak: Whatever works for you.



Both Fluttershy and Terrorcreep were on their way back to the cottage. They both spotted Discord talking with Cheerilee. They headed off to the house at once.



"Discord? Miss Cheerilee? Can I help you or something?" Fluttershy asked curiously.



Scarlet: What is this, the gathering of alternate ships?

SC276: Isn’t that called a harbor?

JofY: No, it’s just a pier.



Discord gasped in surprise as he dashed and scooped his best friend up before giving his excited and happy face, "Fluttershy! Thank goodness you're here!" He hugged her tightly and passionately, "You won't believe what Miss Cheerilee is here for!"



Scarlet: *holds up Discord’s excited and happy face* God, these things are so easy to detach in this story!



"So what is it?" Fluttershy asked.



Discord cleared his throat as he put her down to the ground gently. He then had his tail pushed Cheerilee to the front of Fluttershy. He answered, "I want to say. But I hate to be spoiler."



SC276: So be rotter.



He turned and gave Cheerilee a gleeful smile, "Go ahead. Tell her. It's special and amazing..."



Scarlet: Shhh, be careful everyone. They can sense our disappointment.



Cheerilee smiled while having her eyes rolled up, "Okay, Discord. Fluttershy, the stage manager hired you for the school."



JofY: “Without your permission.” (What the hell?)



She gave Fluttershy a narrowed eyes and shown a sly smirk. Fluttershy looked confuse as she placed her ears before Cheerilee. Cheerilee exclaimed happily, "You've been made as the Singer for our Hearth's Warming Eve."



"WHAT?!" Fluttershy gasped in shock and worry while jumped up high.



Scarlet: You know, as Fluttershy is wont to do.

SC276: Dick move, stage manager!



Fluttershy then slammed to the ground hard. She covered herself with her hooves while shaking in fear and worry. Discord, Cheerilee and Terrorcreep looked at her in both shock and worry.



SC276: Worry worry, worry. Worry? Worry! I’m doing this a lot this fic, it feels like!



Cheerilee turned and looked at both Terrorcreep and Discord, "I thought she would be happy."



Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “I’ve never met her before in my life!”



Discord shrugged, "Something tells me that she's still not ready for the stage."



"Tell me something I don't know," Terrorcreep said sarcastically.



SC276: Hey, dumb-name, we’re the ones that get to snark around here!



He then lowered himself down as he spoke with Fluttershy, "Fluttershy, please. The students need you now."



JofY: They’ll die if you don’t perform!



"I can't. I can't do it." Fluttershy protested.



"You promise me that you'll try."



SC276: She didn’t “promise” shit.



"I know. But I'm not ready. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't."



Scarlet: The mantra I repeat every time I start a riff!



"Please Fluttershy," Discord begged while giving his big yet cutie eyes, "I beg of you. Please sing. Sing for these kids. You wouldn't want to disappoint them now, would you?"



SC276: Oh you shush, you three-year-old’s drawing.



Cheerilee nodded her head in agreement, "Please, Fluttershy. We need you. You can do it."



Scarlet: Attempts to reach Shia Lebeouf were met with failure.

SC276: But nobody came.



Fluttershy shook her head hard, "I'm sorry. I won't. I can't do it."



"Fluttershy..." Terrorcreep said in concern and worry. He hissed in pain while clenched on the ground hard. He had some thoughts as he spoke, "If you won't do it, then I will."



Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “Don’t laugh, I’ll just do some shit from Phantom of the Opera!”



Fluttershy, Discord and Cheerilee gasped in shock and surprise of what Terrorcreep had said.



"No! You can't!" Fluttershy protested.



JofY: “We’re still finding bodies from the last time you tried.”



Cheerilee nodded her head, "In truth, Terrorcreep; This play involved only Fluttershy as a sweet Angel who sang the song of Harmony for everyone to listen and calm down from the argument. And above all, everyone who fights made peace. This is very special for tonight's celebration."



Scarlet: [Cheerilee] “We cast her, made her costume, and built the sets all without her knowledge or consent!”

[Discord] *thumbs-up*



"She has the point," Discord nodded his head while reading the script, "though there is a room for a stallion to play. He can be placed as the jealous ravaging Demon who wants attention but turned back by most of ponies as threat.



Scarlet: [Discord] “Not exactly my best idea, I admit. Maybe if the demon was actually several hundred talking mice operating as a gestalt entity…”

JofY: Nah. Already been done.

Scarlet: Holy shit, you read The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents too?



But because of what an angel did, she had touch his heart and be together as one. It is after all called 'Angel and Demon of Winter'. That's an interesting story I might say..."



SC276: [Discord] “And given the tread of terrible authors writing plays, it’s totally not a recreation of how you two actually started dating.”



Please Fluttershy," Terrorcreep lowered down before Fluttershy, "Sing. I will be there for you. I can sing with you together."



Scarlet: [Terrorcreep] “Sing, my Angel of Music! Sing for me!”

SC276: Maybe once you get a new starting quotation mark.



Fluttershy looked down as she had thoughts before looked at Terrorcreep, "Do you think I can do it?"



Terrorcreep smiled, "Leave everything to me..."



Scarlet: Aaand I think that’s creepy enough for Bad Touch joke number two!



Fluttershy hummed in concerned yet softly. Cheerilee turned and looked at Discord as she hoped he has the answer. He turned and whistled innocently while shrugged.



SC276: [Discord] “Don’t look at me, for once a tense change isn’t my fault.”



During the night, most of adult and children ponies had been gathered at the stage which was neared to the Ponyville Schoolhouse.



JofY: The hunt had begun to find the rest.



Everyone chatted happily with each other. Some commented and discussed about the play 'Angel and Demon of Winter'.



Scarlet: “Can you believe they’re actually using our tax dollars to produce this crap?”

SC276: “Did the play about the founding of Equestria just not get funding this year or something?”



Behind the curtains, Terrorcreep was dressed in his demon warlord robe while his makeup was pure black with white circles and crimson stripes like Chinese Opera Actor's Makeup.



Scarlet: You know, as was traditional in Ponyville.

SC276: Does he have prop wings and horn so we can call red-and-black alicorn OC?



Fluttershy dressed in her western angel's robes. They both were ready to perform. Stage Manager Light Purple Unicorn



JofY: ...BAHAHAHAHA! I don’t think I could have come up with a funnier name in this fic!

Scarlet: Her parents eventually apologized to her, but no amount of ‘sorry’ was ever enough.

SC276: Are you kidding me, you have like a baker’s dozen of named OCs in here and you couldn’t come up with something for this guy?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Although he prefers to be called ‘Ralph’.



with blond, Cheerilee, Discord and Fluttershy were there as well. They were having some discussion with him.



Discord swooped and whispered to Terrorcreep's left eye,



SC276: Because ponies hear with eyes now.



"I hope this plan of yours work. Hopefully, she will do it."



CaptainPipsqueak: “Or something...unfortunate will happen to a family member.”



"Yes. I hope so too..." Cheerilee asked curiously.



Scarlet: FOUL! Spoken sentence does not match the chosen verb! Author! Five line penalty, still fifth chapter!

JofY: Doesn’t that mean he has five more lines to write?... YOU BASTARD! You’re gonna make us read more!?

Scarlet: Why does everyone keep thinking that means more and not less?



Terrorcreep smirked, "Just stay back and enjoy the show."



Stage Manage sighed in defeat, "I give up." He cleared his throat, "Places, everyone!"



The Stage Actors galloped at once as they prepared themselves for the show. Discord and Cheerilee exited the backstage while leaving both Terrorcreep and Fluttershy to speak.



Scarlet: [Fluttershy] “I resent all of you.”

[Terrorcreep] “What now, dear?”

[Fluttershy] “Nothing.”



"I hope you know what you're doing," Fluttershy said in concern.



SC276: I highly doubt that.



Terrorcreep kissed on her forehead, "Trust me, my dear. Everything will be fine."



SC276: Solely because the author wills it. Because logic left about halfway through that last chapter.



Reluctantly to accept it, Fluttershy nodded her head before following him to the stage. The play 'Angel and Demon of Winter' was about to start…



Scarlet: Some of Joss Whedon’s earlier work is best forgotten.



Everyone gathered and sat on their benches as the play was about to start. Below the stage, the musicians played their instruments harmonically and calmly. The crimson curtain pulled aside. The brown hooded cloak came out before removed the hood. It was none other than Zecora.



Scarlet: Played for us this evening by a brown cloak, apparently.

SC276: Oh god, the character requiring rhyme and meter as written by this author.

JofY: Why does my mind fill with hate?



"Greetings, my little pony,"



JofY: You failed fic. Any miniscule chance you had to succeed has vanished. You are dead to me.



Zecora spoke calmly, "For tonight, you shall witnessed a tale; a tale of a rampaging demon and the kindhearted angel. Now shall the tales begins after our kingdom formed as one: Equestria."



SC276: Pretty sure that didn’t rhyme. Pretty sure that didn’t rhyme.



Zecora moved aside. Another crimson curtain was pulled aside again as it begin the show.



Scarlet: The crimson curtain’s got a wicked stand-up routine, but we’re not going to leave it on stage for that. There are kids in the audience!



The area revealed to be an ancient and old days of Equestria where three types of ponies were one and united. Most of them work as the farmers, workers, soldiers, business ponies, teachers, entertainers, traders and more.



Scarlet: Assassins! High-class escorts! Meteorologists! Riffers!

JofY: Comedians! Athletes! Reporters! Hobos!

CaptainPipsqueak: That weird quiet guy who lives across the street!



Some were having fun with each other by singing, playing, dancing, grooving and doing what they wanted.



JofY: They’ve gone off script.

CaptainPipsqueak: “...smoking pot, having unprotected sex, listening to that evil rock n’ roll music…”



Most of the foals were playing with each other for the games, studying their books or working with their masters and parents.



Zecora: The tale you hear

Is the beginning of our ancestors

A once ravaged land

Has turned to harmonic



Scarlet: Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

CaptainPipsqueak: She no rhyme. Why she no rhyme?



Zecora: No hatred, no anger, no rage

Can be seen…



JofY: Then you just aren’t looking hard enough.



The Harmony of Heart

Reigned over the land…



Scarlet: Zecora, the hell mare? Aren’t you contractually obligated to give us shitty rhymes in a fic like this?

RingmasterJ5: “Zecora, the Hell Mare” would probably be a much better fic.

SC276: This isn’t free-verse beat poetry night here, zebra-girl!



Zecora: Ponies of all Three

stand as one...

None has breached its

Harmony…



Scarlet: Then one day I found the Blue Card, and everything changed.



During the winter, the ponies continued their usual business and doings while preparing their very first celebration for Hearth's Warming Eve.



Scarlet: The end.



BOOM!



JofY: Oh, sh- We’re under attack!



The ponies gasped in shock and surprise. They looked up and spotted the clouds had darkne.



JofY: It will be dark soon.



They were in shock and fear as they witnessed the appearance of Terrorcreep as Demon Vampire Pony



SC276: So, male Marceline as a horse.



dressed in his black and darken Chinese Warlord's Robe. He hissed in anger. He shown his pure hatred, anger and raged while glaring at the ponies.



Scarlet: Shit, run! It’s a Noh performance!



Zecora: The land was struck

By the appearance of a Demon

He who shows no heart for them

He cares nothing.

For he was pure angered

By their happiness and joy



Scarlet: African shaman telling the history of a mostly European culture through Asian performance methods. Ponyville is nothing if not culturally diverse.

CaptainPipsqueak: She no rhyme. Why she no rhyme?



A Demon smirked darkly and evilly



SC276: Not the one on stage, there was another one watching from the audience.



before chuckling and darkly as he cast and unleash a dark spell on the ponies. Most of them argued with each other. Some fought and battled with each other to the death.



Scarlet: Yeah, stocking items to cure Rage seems like such a low priority right up until the boss begins spamming it!



Zecora: To entertain his amusement

A fight they have

He cast a spell

A spell of hatred

Till he's satisfied…



Scarlet: Well, now we know what drew us to this story in the first place!

SC276: Oh my god, if you’re not going to actually rhyme, stop talking.

SC276: Will someone slap him? I think his needle’s stuck.



As the fight continued between three tribes, the Demon smirked darkly and evilly. He chuckled darkly.



Demon: At long last...

Your happiness has turn to

Pure hatred and anger

It feeds me…



Scarlet: The ‘your riffs only make me stronger’ bit is always a bluff. I’m calling it!

SC276: I raise!



I will live on...

I shall make this world...

Be mine...



Demon chuckled evilly while looking at most of ponies fighting and arguing with each other for two weeks. As they continued battled, the blood spilled out from their bodies and mouths.



SC276: Now keep in mind this is being played by elementary schoolers.

JofY: Wait till act two when they start fornicating.



Demon smirked evilly and darkly.



Scarlet: You know. For kids!



Demon: Everything goes right...

Everything I desire...

Has come true!



Scarlet: [Demon] “I got a Playstation 4 for Hearth’s Warming! Yayyyyyyy!”



?: No... Please... No...

Let them go…



JofY: Bizmillnah! No we will not let them go!



Let them go…



JofY: Bizmillnah! We will not let them go!



Let them go…



JofY: Bizmillnah! We will not let them go!

Scarlet: No, no, no no, no, no.

SC276: ~Let them go, let them go… Can’t hold it back anymore...~



Demon yelped in shock as he looked up and spotted a bright light shined from the clouds.



JofY: It’s called: the sun.



As the cloud departed and revealed the concerned and worried Fluttershy dressed in her white robe and flowery crown-like on her head. She continued singing as the ponies were freed from Demon's Dark Spell. They turned and looked at the event.



Scarlet: But their levels were too low, and they could not participate without grinding for EXP.

SC276: But from killing each other, they probably have plenty of LV by now.



Zecora: There she is...

A heroines from Heaven...

Answers our prays...

The Angel has come...



Angel stood before the Demon. She bowed and begged while Demon snarled in anger as both of them talked...



JofY: Well that’s just rude.



or singing of the discussion…



Scarlet: Welp, here we go again. Musical barrage mode, engage!

SC276: Oh god, singing from an author that can’t fucking rhyme, this is going to SUCK.



Angel: Please, O' Mighty Demon...

Lift your Dark Spell...

These ponies need no wars...

Suffer they had enough...

They deserve the peace...

Let them go…



Scarlet: ~Let them go, let them go! Don’t hold them back anymore~



Demon: Never!

Never shall I let them go!

They shall not be freed!

I shall not tolerate it!

They shall pay the price!

They shall make me satisfied!



Scarlet: ~You who called me brother, why must you cast down another blow?/Is this what you wanted?~

SC276: This is turning into that Goddess of Spring Silly Symphony.



Angel: Please let them go...

They've done nothing wrong to you.

They've know nothing of you.

They've meant no harm to you…



Scarlet: ~Thus saith the Lord!~



Demon: Harm they have brought upon me!

Happiness brought wrought upon me!

Peace knows nothing of my needs!

Joy brought me harm and pain!

I stand not much longer!

I demand the war!

I demand their blood!

I demand their darkness

To feed me!



Scarlet: ~Cuz I’m just a sweet transvestite/From transexual, Transylvania~”



Angel: Please let them go...

Anger brings no needs to you...

Your heart shall be empty...

If war you desire...

The ponies shall be dead...

No lives can be found...

I beg you of their freedom...

I beg you of their peace...

I beg you of their happiness...

Take me…



Scarlet: ~Down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty!~

SC276: This is barely a song.



Demon [shock]: Why? Why must you do it?



Scarlet: ~I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy now!/I hope you’re proud of how you’ve hurt your cause forever, I hope you think you’re clever!~

SC276: ~I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy too! / I hope you’re proud of how you would grovel in submission, to feed your own ambition!~



What do you desire for these mere mortals?

They were nothing but weakling and tools to us.

We, Immortals, are great and powerful

Must we care for these fools?!



RingmasterJ5: ~Tom, listen to yourself, then listen carefully to me/If you replace the working parts, you get a different machine~



Angel [Firm]: They are not fools!

They are no tools to us!

They are no weak to us!

They have something that you understand nothing.



Scarlet: ~Nothing but the blood of Jeeeeeesus!~



Demon: What understanding must I understand?!



Angel: A song of Heart…



Scarlet: ~Don’t dream it, be it~



Demon looked surprise of what Angel had said. She cleared her throat as she sang harmonically and happily. The song she sang was completely different as if it came from different country.



Scarlet: It came from a land down under. Where women glow and men thunder!



As the song she sang, the ponies listened to her and even Demon. As he listened, his anger and hatred slowly melted and seen her something special to him.



Angel: I understand your pain

You suffered too long

You need not pure anger

To survive



Scarlet: ~and stalk his prey in the night/And he’s watching us all with the Eyeeeeee! Of the Tiger!~



Life is not about hate and rage

But joy and love in your heart

What you did makes no better

What you want hurts innocents



Scarlet: ~He had it coming! He had it coming! He only had himself to blame!/If you’da been there- if you’da seen it! I betcha you would have down the same!~

SC276: ~And everyone said “Sit down / Sit down, you’re rockin’ the boat…”~



What you did was pain

So, please stop...

Bring good deeds to this world...

Free them from your cruel

Let them go…



Scarlet: ~Let them Go, turn away and slam the door!~



In return, I shall teach..

I shall guide you...

I shall help you...

I shall be with you...

I shall be your friend…



Scarlet: ~Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun! Like a seed dropped by a skybird in a distant wood~



Demon [shock]: Friend?

What word you spoke?

A word that touch my heart.

What feelings I felt?

I never felt before.



Scarlet: ~What is this feeling so sudden and new?~

SC276: ~I felt the moment I laid eyes on you...~

Scarlet: ~My pulse is rushing!~

SC276: ~My head is reeling!~

Scarlet: ~My face is flushing! What is this feeling?~

SC276: ~Fervid as a flame, does it have a name…?~

Both: ~Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!~



Angel: It's 'love'



Scarlet: Oh come on Fluttershy, we just did the entire damn beginning of the duet!



It's what makes us happy and strong...

It comes from your Heart.

Loneliness you can never be...

You have a friend...



SC276: Love at first sight between an angel and a devil. The stuff of melodrama.



Demon thought of what Angel had said, he sighed in defeat as he lifted the Dark Spell on the ponies. They smiled happily and cheered happily. He turned and looked at the Angel who smiled at him. He smiled.



Scarlet: ~All I wanna make you do is smile, smile, smile…~



Demon: I don't know how...

But for the first time...

I did right for these mortals...

I felt joy and happy...

Is this how Mortal feels?



Scarlet: Loathing. Unadulterated. Loathing.



Angel: Yes...

It is our true needs...

And you shall never be in pain

Nor alone, my friend…



Scarlet: ~Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better, but because I knew you/I have been changed for good~



Demon smiled: I have two words...

Thank you…



Scarlet: There’s a hole in the world. It’s a deep black pit. It is filled with fanfics that are filled with shit. Every line of this song inhabits it.

SC276: No, that would require calling it a song!



Demon smiled as he bowed before Angel while she returned a bow to him. The ponies cheered wildly and happily.



Zecora: A tale you have seen...

A lesson you shall learn…



Scarlet: ~Careful the things you say/Children will listen~



Loneliness can be friends...

Anger can be happy...

And soon, harmony is where it starts...

Till the end...



As the scene went black, the crimson curtain closed down.



SC276: Quick, while no one can see, kill the cast!

JofY: Huh? I’m sorry, I zoned out. What happened?



Everyone cheered wildly and happily while giving applause to the play. Discord whistled happily before flying out. Cheerilee clapped her hooves happily.



"Now that's an act! Fluttershy did it!" Cheerilee cheered.



Scarlet: Screw Fluttershy, applaud me! Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it was to read through all that?

SC276: *applauds Scarlet* Bravo! Bravo!



The curtain opened again. It revealed Terrorcreep, Fluttershy and the casts



SC276: How many ponies took “break a leg” literally...?



as they gave a bow to the audience. They stood up. Fluttershy looked at Terrorcreep while smiling. She then gave him a hug.



"Thank you so much," Fluttershy thanked happily.



Terrorcreep smiled before nuzzling her head, "I told you to trust me. Your voice inspired them.



JofY: Huh? Inspired them to do what?



And now for the special gift from me to you."



Scarlet: Bad touch joke number three!



"From me as well," Fluttershy smiled.



Terrorcreep and Fluttershy leaned and kissed on each other's lips before flying up to the moon.



SC276: Maybe you’ll find some bananas…!

JofY: Celestia was trying a new form of banishing.



The moon shined brightly upon them. Discord worn a cupid robe while holding his bow and cupid arrow. He turned and glanced at the readers.



Scarlet: DISCORD, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! Get back behind that fourth wall right now!



"Don't you just love 'Vampire' and 'Girl' relationship? This is way better than 'Twilight' Franchise.



SC276: No, Twilight at least had complete freakin’ sentences with all the words!

JofY: At least Twilight had an actual story.



And I meant the drama film," Discord commented before blinked his right eye, "Tata! Enjoy your Christmas, readers."



Scarlet: I’m going to convert to Islam and start celebrating Ramadan instead just to spite you.

Crazy56U: (comes back) ...I take it I missed a fun one?



The End...



Main Casts:

Matthew Mercer: Terrorcreep



Crazy56U: Jesus, how can you “go” from There Will Be Brawl to this mess...



Adrian Libman: Fluttershy

John de Lancie: Discord

Nicole Oliver: Cheerilee

Lee Tocker: Stage Manager



Crazy56U: Hey, Gummy. ...again...



Brenda Circhlow: Zecora



Scarlet: And Bernadette Peters as the voice of Rita!

Crazy56U: And Onion Bubs as himself.



Preview:



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Next time, on an all-new Stargate...



Party in a Town: Pinkie is now a Scrooge, and refused to make a party for Hearth's Warming Eve.



SC276: BECAUSE PLOT!

Crazy56U: What, did she get bitten by a Radioactive Ebenezer Scrooge, or something?!



Cheese Sandwich, Tailtech and future Flare Tiger



Crazy56U: (gets up) ... No, no, not yet... (sits back down)



are on the job to solve the mystery and finding why she was behaving 'Scrooge'.



JofY: So harsh that it ain’t grammar.

Crazy56U: ...did she get bitten by a Radioactive Scrooge?!

CaptainPipsqueak: ~Pinkie Scrooge, Pinkie Scrooge, does whatever a… um…~



Can they solve the problem before it's too late to make a party?



Scarlet: And more importantly, will anyone else make it far enough into the riff to find out?

Crazy56U: Let me guess, they “Christmas Carol” the fuck out of this?



Review and Suggest...



CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, I don’t think he’s even listening to us anymore.

SC276: You’ve already proven you suck at doing anything resembling a decent story. Don’t ruin A freakin’ Christmas Carol. Particularly with the character least likely to go Scrooge on us.

Crazy56U: Here’s a review for ya! (gets up and leaves)

SC276: Aaaaand that’s triple word score.



Reference:

The whole song is completely original, no parody or sources; though it was inspired by both Mama Mia and The Phantom of Opera 2004's soundtrack.



Scarlet: die the death sentenced to death the great equalizer is death.

SC276: Whoa there, witch-boy. You’re gonna hurt someone doing that.

Scarlet: That’s the point.

SC276: I was thinking more of the risk hurting you. Or me. Especially me.



Short 6: Party in a Town



SC276: ~The party’s in a town, the party’s in a town...~



Hearth's Warming Eve was here on Ponyville.



SC276: Also, are all these shorts happening at roughly the same time?



Everyone was preparing the party for the holiday's celebration. They were happy and relief to have it so much.



JofY: Hold on a sec... We have too much relief. Send it back. Send it back.



But one was not.



SC276: The Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville?



At the Sugarcube Corner, Mrs Cake was knocking on Pinkie's door twice.



Scarlet: Remember- always double tap.



"Pinkie Pie, please!" Mrs. Cake called, "Hearth's Warming Eve is here! We have to start the decorating the house and the area now. Please come out. Ponyville needs you."



"Not coming out! I'm not coming out!" Pinkie cried angrily. She huffed loudly, "So not in the mood!"



SC276: Neither am I, yet I go to the family Christmas party anyway.



"Pinkie... Care to tell me? I can help you." Mrs. Cake asked in concern.



"No! Not telling! Never will! HUMBUG!" Pinkie cried in anger before giggled a bit. Mrs. Cake yelped in worry. She continued, "It's kinda fun being Ebezener Scrooge..."



JofY: Congratulations! You’ve made your protagonist an ass, and unrelatable!



Mrs. Cake placed her right ear on the door as she listened to what Pinkie had said. Pinkie shouted, "When someone is grumpy and angry as I am! And I REALLY AM ANGRY! You think you're happy?! I'm not! I'm so not!"



Scarlet: The drama of this story will be resolved in about five minutes when everyone realizes Pinkie has discovered the concept of trolling.

SC276: May God have mercy on our souls.



Frightened and shocked by Pinkie's tone, Mrs. Cake was scared, "Oh dear... What has happen to you..."



SC276: Complete OOCness, from the looks of it. I prescribe twelve years of primary school. For the author.



At the restaurant's ground floor, Mrs. Cake was talking with Mr. Cake about Pinkie's latest and recent behavior while she was feeding some porridge to both Pumpkin and Pound Cakes. Mr. Cake looked worry as he looked up at the stairs.



JofY: ‘Did I remember to child-proof these?’



"What has gotten into Pinkie? I haven't heard such things since 'Gummy's Second Party Problem' and 'Rainbow Dash's Party Competition'. Something has happen to her long before meeting us."



Scarlet: Oh no, we are not going to visit childhood pie trauma!

JofY: Hmm… These events are clearly similar to other events before. Must be her past.



"Or maybe last year," Mrs. Cake added. She sighed, "What are we gonna do? We can't just start decorating the house or Ponyville without her help. She's the best Party Organizer Ponyville has ever had before."



Mr. Cake sighed, "I understand, honey. But what can we do?



JofY: How about hiring someone else?



She won't open her mind to us."



Scarlet: [Mrs. Cake] “I’ll go get the hypnotist.”

SC276: [Mrs. Cake] “I’ve heard good things about this ‘Trance’ fellow.”

[Mr. Cake] “Wasn’t he murdered like a decade ago?”



"If she doesn't, then Ponyville will be... partiless. Not sure if there's such a word."



SC276: Well you just said it.



Heard of what their parents had said, both Pound and Pumpkin Cakes cried in despair loudly.



SC276: *looks at the Monokuma plush* ...Yeah, uh, I don’t think this is doing it for him.



Seeing the children cried, both Mr. and Mrs. Cake grabbed them both while patted them gently and calmly. The Cakes then looked at each other with their worried looks.



Scarlet: Fortunately, they’d still had those on hand.



"What are we gonna do? We need to do something for her," Mrs. Cake said in concern.



SC276: Well for starters, don’t put your fic through Google Translate.



Mr. Cake hummed softly as he had some thoughts. He smiled, "I think I know someone who can help us to solve the problem."



SC276: An editor?

CaptainPipsqueak: A liter of vodka? I call mine “Comrade.”



Mrs. Cake looked surprise of what her husband had said. Both Pumpkin and Pound Cakes giggled happily as they said 'two words'.



Scarlet: Bull. Shit.



"Pinkie... Happy..."



In the world of darkness,



SC276: Vampire: the Masquerade or Changeling: the Lost?

Scarlet: Personally I like Werewolf: The Apocalypse. For Gaia!



a spotlight turned on and shined on someone from the stage. Cheese Sandwich was dressed in his detective suits and worn fedora hat and black sunglasses while his boneless rubber chicken was also dressed in his black suit and sunglasses as well.



Scarlet: Half a point for adorably cute idea with crummy execution. Then minus all the points for a visual gag in a text-based medium.



"I smell danger. I hear disturbance. I see pain," Cheese said firmly before smirked,



RingmasterJ5: Oh god, reading all these lines in his voice is going to hurt, isn’t it…

JofY: Well, read it in an overly dark Batman voice. So far, it fits.



"There's been recent report that a little girl refused to help and decorate the town's special holiday.



Scarlet: [Cheese] “And also Pinkie Pie, who is clearly not a child!”



Because without her, there won't be any party." He gasped in fear before dramatically posed in pain and sad, "The pain... The horror... The struggle...



CaptainPipsqueak: “...the endless breadsticks…”

SC276: “...the three-component couplets…”

JofY: “...the rock and roll…”



I will help this poor soul!" He show his determined looks while raising his right hoof, "Mark my word. Boneless and I shall solve the crime! This criminal will be brought to justice!"



Scarlet: Cheese Sandwich- the bloodstained destroyer of party poopers.

SC276: He is the night.



WHACK! Cheese yelped painfully as the black world and a spotlight's light turned into Sugarcube Corner's lobby. Cheese rubbed his head gently and calmly as he turned and looked at the unamused and annoyed Tailtech; as well as confused Cake Family.



Scarlet: Tailtech was also there and is apparently a person!

SC276: He’s the boyfriend for this chapter, I’m guessing. Why isn’t he trying to do shit?



"What?" Cheese asked in shock and confuse.



Tailtech groaned in annoyance, "We're not here to solve the crime. We're here to talk with Pinkie; your girlfriend..."



Scarlet: He has a girlfriend?



"I have a girlfriend?" Cheese asked in surprise.



Scarlet: Cheese, buddy! Slow on the uptake, but thanks for joining in!



"Cheese Sandwich!"



SC276: oh my god, they’re having Weird Al date Pinkie, FF.net doesn’t allow RL fanfic...



"Okay. Okay. Okay! Yeesh... No need to get so dramatic. Besides... Being detective is awesome and fun."



Scarlet: Talk about your hard-boiled idiocy.



Tailtech sighed in annoyance, "You're way worse than Laxtinct."



RingmasterJ5: Okay, out of all the weird pony names we’ve seen so far in the fic, that’s the one that just… gets me. Is there any way that name doesn’t have to do with laxatives?

CaptainPipsqueak: Seems kind of apt to me: the story’s already shit.



He turned to Mr. and Mrs. Cakes as he bowed before spoke, "We're glad to be here to help."



"Thank you so much, Tailtech," Mr. Cake smiled happily, "We appreciated so much.



Scarlet: [Mr. Cake] “Nothing you’ve done, mind you. We just appreciated so much in general.”

SC276: “Tailtech” reminds me of Sonic Generations, and why am I not playing that instead of sitting through this nonsense?



Mrs. Cake nodded her head, "Can you help us? We're really worried about Pinkie. I've never seen her like this before in my life."



SC276: Because they were out of town during “Party of One” apparently?



"Do you have any idea of why?" Tailtech asked.



Scarlet: Insert “oh Just look at the time” trollface image here.



Mr. Cake shook his head before spoke, "I'm afraid not. But I do noticed something else..." Both Tailtech and Cheese looked at him. He continued, "Last year's Hearth's Warming Eve, Pinkie went back to her old home for party because of her family reunion.



SC276: That’s not until season 5, author.



And after that, she returned to here. And for the first time in my life, she was pained and upset."



Scarlet: You know. Not counting those other times in the course of the show she’s been pained and upset.



Mrs. Cake nodded her head, "Something bad must have happen to her family or something. We tried to help but she refused to tell us. What has happen to her?"



SC276: Did you freakin’ kill the Pies off offscreen, author? You better not have. I will end you. Somehow.



Tailtech hummed softly before sighed, "There's one thing we can do."



Scarlet: End the story prematurely! Let Pinkie go, you monsters!



"Candies?" Cheese asked happily.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Cyanide capsules? They’re mint-flavoured!”

JofY: Ooh! *Tries one.*

RingmasterJ5: You two aren’t getting out that easily.



Tailtech groaned in annoyance while slapped on his forehead, "No. Talk with Pinkie. Hopefully she's in good to listen and talk to us."



SC276: If she was, she would’ve talked to the Cakes.



"Oh. Sure not a problem," Cheese said happily.



Mr. and Mrs Cakes smiled and sighed in relief, "Thank you so much."



SC276: You’re not welcome.



At Pinkie's Room, it was darken and grayish tone.



SC276: Twas darken and ye grayish tones did gyre and gimble in ye wabe...



Pinkie was no longer a happy or bright pony while having a straight and flatten mane and tail. She was crying and sniffing as she looked at the photo frames.



JofY: Mind you, there weren’t any actual photos in there.



She hummed and vocalized calmly and gently yet sadly.



Scarlet: Oh sweet Cthulhu no.

SC276: Wait, what- oh you’re kidding me



Pinkie: I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm OK

But that's not what gets me



Scarlet: This… I… two songs in the same riff? God damn it! I’ve only got so many times the showtunes-barrage gag can be funny!

SC276: OK, one, you can’t kill off the freakin’ Pies, and two, you can’t rhyme a word with itself!



Pinkie cried loudly before grasped and grabbed the photo frame to her body.



RingmasterJ5: Is now really the time for a tears and shot speed up?

SC276: Where’s the freakin’ Hermit, I want outta this dump!



She took a glance on the rest of photo frames which has most of Pie Family Reunion in celebrating their Hearth's Warming Eve. She continued singing.



Pinkie: What hurts the most

Was losing you

I haven't so much to say...



JofY: So don’t say anything.



And seeing you disappeared

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin' to do



Scarlet: Welp, that does it. That was so terrible I actually hated the entire concept of musicals for a full ten seconds. That takes effort.

CaptainPipsqueak: I hate the concept of musicals on general principles - ten minutes of story followed by five minutes of singing.

Scarlet: That’s because you have no soul, apparently watched really crappy musicals, and also this story isn’t helping. You see what you’ve done, author?

SC276: You were at least trying to rhyme before, why do you keep fucking up?!



Pinkie was about to sing but heard a knock on her door.



JofY: What are you talking about, she wasn’t singing… That was lyrical speaking.



She turned and opened it. She found a box in front of her.



JofY: !



She looked to left and right before bringing it in. As she opened it; the colorful streamers, balloons, confetti and banners shot right in her face.



JofY: [Pinkie] “My eye! Oh sweet Celestia, it hit me right in the eye! OWWW!!!”



She heard the party whistle blowing wildly.



Scarlet: Allow me to show you the proper response to this, Pinkie! *slams the door*



Pinkie shaken her body off the confetti and streamers. She gasped in shock and surprise as she found Cheese Sandwich smiling happily while playing his accordion.



SC276: Of course he fits in the box. Because we’re not following any sort of rule whatsoever. Not rule of funny, not rule of logic…

JofY: I’m still thinking of him as Batman.



"Cheese Sandwich?!" Pinkie asked in surprise and shock.



Cheese: Good to see you here,

My dear Pinkie Pie!



Scarlet: oh no. Oh no no no no no. You are not writing shit lyrics for Pony Weird Al.

RingmasterJ5: This is one of the only times I would actually WANT Topher coming in and shooting everyone.

Scarlet: Speak for yourself. I think I’ve still got whiplash from last time!

SC276: Does anyone have a Pokémon with Soundproof?!

JofY: WHAT?



Cheese jumped and hovered over Pinkie before opening the door. Tailtech marched in while sighed in annoyance.



"You know we could just knock the door or rammed it," Tailtech said in annoyance.



Scarlet: [Tailtech] “Right to privacy is not a concept I am familiar with, beep boop.”



Cheese chuckled happily, "Come now. Wouldn't it be much more fun with me to surprise Pinkie?



JofY: EEEK! Criminal! *Starts spraying pepper spray.*



Now we can talk with her."



Pinkie shown her moody and annoying face, Tailtech gulped in fear, "I don't think she's in the mood to talk."



Scarlet: Pinkie doll- now with moody and annoying face! New from Hasbro Bootleggers everywhere!



"Have you come to ask me to do decorating the party?!" Pinkie asked angrily. Both Cheese and Tailtech nodded their heads. She groaned in annoyance before shouted, "Get out of my house now!



JofY: Don’t the Cakes own the place?



HUMBUG!"



SC276: Bah!



"Bugs?! Where?!" Cheese asked in shock.



Tailtech sighed, "She meant 'Not Mood for Hearth's Warming Eve'!"



Scarlet: She must’ve picked up a seasonal job in retail or something.

SC276: Again, I go to the Christmas party anyway!



Cheese chuckled happily while waving Tailtech's worry exclaim. He then brought Pinkie Pie closed to him while laughing happily, "That's crazy. You're crazy, Tailtech.



JofY: Tailtech was then declared Criminally Insane.



Besides, Pinkie and I are cool to do it!"



"So not! HUMBUG!" Pinkie shouted on his ears and his Afro hairs blown out.



Scarlet: And then Pinkie made Cheese Sandwich bald. Not a sentence I expected today.



Cheese gave Pinkie a glare while brushing his flatten and blown hairs down into his Afro Hair. He groaned in annoyance before took a deep breath. He smiled, "Now, now; Pinkie, let's not get into any bad moods.



SC276: Too late.



It's Hearth's Warming Eve! So, let's talk about your problem from last season? How about it?"



Scarlet: Oh shit no! The fourth wall is there for a reason, stop poking your damn heads through it!



"NO! HUMBUG!"



CaptainPipsqueak: Gesundheit!

JofY: Rabbit Season!



"Hearth's Warming Eve!"



"HUMBUG!"



CaptainPipsqueak: Gesundheit!

JofY: Rabbit Season!



"Hearth's Warming Eve!"



"HUMBUG!”



RingmasterJ5: ...I’m just going to stop you two right there, two times was enough.



"Hearth's Warming Eve!"



"Pinkie, please," Cheese snarled while glaring at Pinkie, "Don't push me!"



Scarlet: ~I am warning you, Javert!/ I’m a stronger man by far!/ There is power in me yet/ my race is not yet run!



"No, you don't!" Pinkie exclaimed in anger, "HUMBUG!"



"THAT'S IT!" Cheese exclaimed in anger as he jumped and pounced Pinkie to the ground, "You take that back, You SCROOGE!"



"NEVER! HUMBUG!" Pinkie exclaimed in anger as she pushed Cheese back hard.



Scarlet: For christ’s sake, just agree to get her the stupid BB gun for Christmas! She won’t shoot her eye out!

SC276: ~Christmas! Bah, bug, and hum!~



Cheese fell on Tailtech's back to the ground hard. Pinkie screamed in anger as she jumped and slammed on them both hard.



JofY: Who’s ready for WRESTLEMANIAAAAAAA!?



Three of them started the fight in the puff of smokes and clouds while shouting and exclaiming to each other. They screamed in pain and anger.



SC276: No, that’s us.



As someone cleared her throat, the trio stopped from fighting. They turned to the room's window. They found and spotted Flare Tiger in front of the swirling portal while waving to them.



Scarlet: Oh of course, Flare Tiger. That guy. He’s… um… a Tiger crossed with a Final Fantasy spell.

SC276: That sounds so goddamn made-up it’s almost realistic.



"Flare Tiger? What are you doing here?" Tailtech asked in shock and surprise.



Flare Tiger smiled, "Brought a guest here."



Flare Tiger moved aside and revealed Maud Pie coming out from the portal.



"Maud Pie?" Pinkie asked in shock.



Maud remained calm and firm yet unemotional spoke, "We need to talk... Very serious..."



Scarlet: Must. Resist. Adding. “About rocks.”

SC276: [Maud Pie] “I am the Ghost of Rocks Past.”

JofY: [Maud Pie] “I am also the Ghost of Rocks Present and Future, but they don’t carry the same weight.”



Seeing how Maud talks, Pinkie nodded her head. She agreed to talk with her sister and her friends about the mood she was having lately since Hearth's Warming Eve began.



Everyone had been gathered at Sugarcube Corner



SC276: Weren’t they there already?



as Pinkie explained about what really happen before during her last 'Hearth's Warming Eve'.



Scarlet: If the answer isn’t childhood trauma or murder, I don’t want to hear about it.



"So, what's really going on?" Cheese asked.



Pinkie sighed as she explained, "Like every year of 'Hearth's Warming Eve',



SC276: “...except the one where I was in a play...”



I visited my family for the reunion. It was very special and important for me to do, and especially to my Grandpa Pie."



Everyone but Flare Tiger and Maud Pie were surprised and shocked. Pinkie continued, "Like every year we did; we chat, we sing, we play, we watch, we joked, we wished and we pranked; my family were having so much fun... just before we were about to open the present. And that time... my Grandpa Pie got a heart-attack.



JofY: [Grandpa Pie] “I got you a HRRRNNNGH!”



My mom and dad called the best doctor to save him... but his beating is dying…



SC276: No, The Beat Goes On.



That day... That very day pains me.



JofY: [Pinkie] “Granted, it probably hurt him more, but it’s not like he’s alive to feel it.”



It was my fault of not seeing it! And so... I'd never want to talk about it or deal with this event again.



JofY: [Pinkie] “Nobody knows what I’m going through!”

[Maud] “...”

[Pinkie] “Shut up!”



It's too painful and scary for me to deal with."



Scarlet: Well, I got half my wish! Yay death in the family!



Pinkie sniffed before crying, "It's just... It's just too much for me to handle. I can't. I just can't!"



SC276: And yet we continue riffing.



Pinkie cried in pain and despair.



JofY: [Pinkie] “I stubbed a hoof!”



Everyone looked shock yet pain and saddened by her sad story.



SC276: As are we. This story is sad, in more ways than one.



They looked down in despair.



SC276: *looks at the Monokuma plush and tosses it away* He is not pleased with the offering.



Pound and Pumpkin cried in sadness. Both Mr. and Mrs. Cakes took them up while patted on their backs.



Scarlet: Cheese, don’t you dare start singing.



Maud Pie approached and hugged Pinkie. She departed and explained, "Pinkie... You shouldn't blame yourself. Grandfather Pie needs to go.



JofY: [Maud] “Do you know how much the retirement home’s bills are?”



He can't stay here..."



Scarlet: ~I know who I want to take me home~

SC276: Wait, is he dead or not? I thought he was dead.



"How could you say that," Pinkie asked in shock.



Maud sighed as she explained, "Pinkie... Life is short.



JofY: It’s approximately 6 seconds.



It's impossible to do everything in time." Pinkie looked down. She continued, "It's not perfect too. You can't expect everything to be perfect. All we can do is enjoy what was left here. It's what Grandpa Pie did the most before his passing..."



"I don't understand, Maud..."



Scarlet: Oh look, one of my other riff mantras!

SC276: We don’t either, because the author sucks at English.



"A letter from Grandfather will make you understand, Pinkie," Maud Pie said as she passed the letter to Pinkie.



As Pinkie opened the letter, she read it:



JofY: ‘Q’



'Little Pinkamena Diane Pie,



My little favorite party pony, I'm so proud and happy of what you became. You make me smile. I cannot remember the last time I had this joy while being the Rock Farmer.



JofY: [Letter] ‘...I think I took the wrong career path.’



As you must know, life is short and painful too because it's impossible for us to do anything. My time is coming to the end. But it doesn't scared me because... I want to enjoy my every and last moment of happiness.



Scarlet: “To that end, I have replaced everypony’s toothpaste with garlic paste and trained a rabid wolverine to chew on your father’s hat.”

SC276: I think I want to read that fic.



Life can be sad and pain, but it doesn't mean we should be because... there were other things we can do. And that is to smile and laugh while we still can. Your father told me of how you make the gloomy farm into a happy farm. Because of that, he sent you to Ponyville to make everyone smile and laugh.



SC276: “That, or he just wanted you out. It’s hard to tell sometimes.”



That is one thing I like about you. I like your smile.



Scarlet: “I hope someday to remove it and wear it as a scarf.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “The rest of you can fuck right off.”



It may pained you much... but I cannot be the burden to you or your family. My body may rotten but my spirit shall live to watch over you.



SC276: The vodka is good, but the meat is rotten.



Remember, Pinkie... Do not be saddened by my passing, but to move on and enjoy every last moment of life. Treasure it well. And keep on smiling.



Scarlet: “And remember- always drink your ovaltine.”

JofY: [Pinkie] “Darn.”



Your favorite grandfather,



CaptainPipsqueak: “Which, let’s face it, is a fifty-fifty chance either way…”



Grandpa Pie...'



SC276: Not even anything resembling a proper pony name? Not even one attempt at a rock or earth pun?



As Pinkie lowered the letter down, she sniffed and cried in tears of despair yet joy.



JofY: Hold on a sec. *pulls out megaphone* Hey Maud! Why didn’t you give this letter to Pinkie a year ago!?



She cried and sobbed. Maud Pie approached and gave her younger sister a hug. Everyone that heard the story smiled while crying. Flare Tiger smiled as well before using her handkerchief in wiping her tears off while blowing her nose off.



Scarlet: Also, Flare Tiger is a woman which was mentioned before too.

CaptainPipsqueak: Several minutes were spent searching for Flare Tiger’s nose. It has rolled under the sofa, which is the last place anyone looks.

SC276: The one positive is that this isn’t a rip on A Christmas Carol as I feared. On the other hand, it still freakin’ sucks.



As both Pinkie and Maud Pie departed, Maud spoke, "Pinkie... You're not the only pony missed him. I missed him too.



JofY: “But my aim is-” ...Damn it.



He inspired me so much. I was so happy the treasure he gave me." She sighed, "I know it's painful to accept it but... we have to move and be happy of what we had. It's what our grandfather wants."



Scarlet: Do not feel grief! It is Pie Family Law!

SC276: I’d probably rant about how telling someone to get over something sad is a terrible idea, but it’s been a year.



Pinkie sniffed before she smiled, "I know, Maud. And you're right. Grandpa Pie wouldn't want me to cry and Scroogie,



SC276: That sounds like a Ham-Chat word.

JofY: Ponyville must be home to some terrible, terrible, parents.



he wants me to make everyone smile. I love to see my friends smile."



Maud smiled, "Good to know. And I'm so happy to see you smile. Your smile is my treasure."



Pinkie nodded her head, "And so as yours, Maud. Thank you."



Scarlet: *presses button marked ‘d’awwwwww’* Oh hey, I still had this thing!



Cheese bounced in between Maud and Pinkie



SC276: Like the ball in a game of Pong.



before hugging them both tight, "That's the spirit, everyone! Now that's the problem is clear. We can start decorating the Ponyville! It's Hearth's Warming Eve!"



SC276: I think it’s quite evident by now that English is not this guy’s first language.



Everyone but Maud and Flare Tiger yelped and gasped in shock and worry.



Scarlet: Maud is taciturn, but Flare Tiger genuinely gives no fucks as her time in this fanfic is pretty much contractually taken care of.

SC276: I swear, “Flare Tiger” sounds like some dumb kung-fu move or something. Or maybe I’m thinking of a Maverick.



Pinkie giggled happily, "Yes, it is; Cheesy!



JofY: This fic?



We're gonna celebrate it with everything we have! Life can be short, but never gonna stop me from making everyone smile!"



Maud gave Pinkie a raised right-eye, "Is Cheese Sandwich your boyfriend?"



"Yes. Yes, he is," Pinkie smiled.



"Oh..." Maud Pie said calmly.



SC276: See, she’s not buying it either.

Scarlet: Her heart seethed with jealousy.



Tailtech approached to the trio as he asked, "How are we gonna do it?! We're having a short time to complete it! It's already Hearth's Warming Eve!"



SC276: Hearth’s Warming Cannon?



Flare Tiger giggled in amusement before slapped on Tailtech's back, "Come on, foxy pony!



SC276: If this guy is based on Tails, I’m going to freakin’ kill somebody.



These two are the best party planners Equstria called for! They can do anything, and even impossible possible! With Pinkie's back on her good and happy mood, Ponyville will be decorated! Go Team Party!"



Scarlet: I’d like to reiterate that bit about converting and switching religious holidays out of spite.



"Yeah!" Cheese and Pinkie exclaimed wildly while Maud said unemotionally.



The Cake Family smiled in relief and joy while Tailtech sighed in annoyance about Pinkie Pie.



"Why do I even bother?"



SC276: Why are you bummed, Grinch? Christmas just got saved.



Pinkie and Cheese were riding on the Super Party Canon.



SC276: And lo, said the Lord, there willst be cake.



They fired its thousand canons at the city, towns and areas.



JofY: Uh... Guys... You’re supposed to be doing that to Ponyville.



They were filled with thousands of confetti, streamers, balloons, fun games, masks, drawings and more. As they both continued their work of decorating the area, the citizens of Ponyville cheered happily and wildly to Pinkie and Cheese.



Scarlet: They brought it all back, the gifts and the feast! And Cheese himself carved the Roast Beast.



As the Team Party continued decorating the Ponyville with more of their decorative and creative designs; Cakes Family, Maud, Flare Tiger and Tailtech were standing behind the Sugarcube Corner as they watched the event go.



Mrs Cake sighed in relief, "I'm so relief to see Pinkie go hyper again."



SC276: Just wait till she goes Mega. Then Super, Ultra, Extra, Giga, and eventually Meta.



"Yes. Our Pinkie is back into action. Our only number one assistant," Mr. Cake nodded his head.



Scarlet: Somewhere, Spike feels his title begin to lose value.



"Pinkie Pie..." Pound and Pumpkin cheered happily from Mrs. Cake's baby-holders.



Tailtech turned and looked at Flare Tiger as he asked, "Flare. How did you know Pinkie being upset and asked Maud to help?"



Flare smiled, "Just a hunch."



"A hunch? Seriously?"



SC276: Just call it what it is, author: narrative convenience.



"Eeyup. My tail tingled means something bad had happen from the past. I learned it from the future of mine.



JofY: Fic, what did I say about your OC amounts?



And of course, I knew what really happens to Pinkie before today."



Scarlet: “She gets eaten by a whale! By the way, we’re all in the middle of a time paradox now and Pinkie’s her own grandmother.”



"You knew it?! If you did, why didn't you tell us?! We could have calm her down before we talk. But instead, we get beaten up!"



"What? I checked out on my script of what really happens to Pinkie before I went and find Maud Pie to help out. After all, Maud has her grandpeppy's letter. And it is for Pinkie if she ever gone Scrooge."



Scarlet: Somewhere, a Community Theater’s performance of “A Christmas Carol” suffers from the loss of its lead actor.

SC276: Are you telling me this guy inhabits Pinkie’s fanon fourth-wall characterization and does a crap job of it?



Tailtech groaned in annoyance, "You're so random!"



SC276: Yes. Yes he does.



"Tell me something I don't know," Maud said gloomy before smiled, "But it's one thing I like Pinkie Pie so much. It's my treasure."



Scarlet: Five minutes later, Pinkie was stolen by a group of intergalactic pirates en route to their next movie appearance.



Tailtech sighed, "I guess so. But life can be short," he smiled, "but we're gonna enjoy every happy moment of our lives. We still have some time to do after all."



CaptainPipsqueak: “Another five to ten.”



Maud nodded her head, "Yes..."



SC276: Particularly after this fic’s over.



As the rest smiled while watching the event, Cheese and Pinkie continued decorating the Ponyville for the Hearth's Warming Eve.



SC276: The-the-the-the-the-that’s all, folks!



They both turned and glanced at each other. They both smiled.



Scarlet: And without warning they leaped out of the fic and into the formless void!



"I'm sorry of what I did. I guess it's stupid," Pinkie apologized.



Cheese smiled as he held Pinkie to him, "No worries. I'm just glad you're back to the one I had admire." He nuzzled her muzzle gently and calmly, "But you owe me a kiss."



SC276: ...Why?



"That can be arranged, Cheesy..." Pinkie smiled.



Cheese and Pinkie gave each other a long passionate kiss while riding Super Canon Transport across the Ponyville.



Scarlet: A bit early to declare the ship canon, there, son!

Crazy56U: (comes back) Hey, I made it for the smooch!



The End...



Main Casts:



Crazy56U: They had two back up casts just in case the given one attempted to

escape.



Adrian Libman: Pinkie Pie, Pumpkin Cake

"Weird Al" Yankovic: Cheese Sandwich

Kate Higgins: Tailtech



Crazy56U: So, for the last holiday short, you “managed” to get Miles “Tails” Prower-

SC276: Are you fucking kidding me?! OK, that’s it. Any volunteers for murder victim?

Crazy56U: (raises hand) Yo.



Jennifer Hale: Flare Tiger



Crazy56U: And Samus Aran for this. ...wonders never cease.



Brian Drummond: Mr. Cake, Grandpa Pie

Tabitha St. Germain: Mrs. Cake, Pound Cake

Ingrid Nilson: Maud Pie



Scarlet: Starring Tim Curry as Darkness!

Crazy56U: And starring Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki as Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles!



Notes:



That's all folks. This is the last shorts I make.



Crazy56U: God is real.

Scarlet: Only after he wrote 600k words. God is real, but he hates us.



That was some tiring. But worth my effort. Merry Late Christmas!



SC276: For crying out loud, you couldn’t even finish on time?!

CapainPipsqueak: Now let’s envision what this would have been like if he’d rushed. You may scream if you wish.

Crazy56U: Christmas is dead. Santa is quitting over this. Good job.



References:

1. 'What Hurts the Most' Pinkie sang was inspired by 'What Hurts the Most' but with different lyrics…



Scarlet: The alternate title for this story!

SC276: Did the original song rhyme? I’m looking this up… Yes, it does rhyme. Which means the author just freakin’ sucks!

Crazy56U: Uh… yeah, what you said!





Scarlet: And… we’re done! Holy shit! SC, pinch me!

SC276: I’ve got a stuffed animal tied to a mallet. Will that work? I spent everything else trying to kill off the thoughts of self-harm I got reading this tripe. Terrible language that looks straight outta Babelfish, OCs doing everything everywhere - I think only Pinkie and Fluttershy actually do shit - and oh yeah, two songs that don’t rhyme, part of which is done by a character that always speaks in rhyme! Who thought this could possibly be a good idea?!

Scarlet: I’ll forgive the prose, assuming this guy’s still practicing English, but holy shit this was a prime slice of delicious riff. And it was nice to get something this week that didn’t make a right turn into creepytown, like some of our previous *cough*KUDZU*cough* subjects have been.

JofY: Personally, my mind hurts. What should have been six fics about love and caring for one another just turned into pain. The first one had criminals, holding one’s self hostage, and non-sequiter greed. The second one just seemed like it put the concept of surprise on trial. The third one made no spacial sense. The fourth one is about as romantic as any other blind date. The fifth has no actual story. And the last is just plain stupid. Combine that with loads of OC’s both with bad names, and bad characterizations. With a mountain full of bad grammar, and you just end up with what this story is. Yellow snow. It’s easy to see what it is, and one should never consume it.

Scarlet: Yellow Snow…what do you even call a six part story? Yellow Snow Cycle? I think I’ll adopt that one.

Crazy56U: I apologize for repeatedly bailing on the story, but I call that an early Christmas present to myself and definitely not because I got a Wii U as my actual early Christmas present and it ate up my time! Definitely not that! … (leaves to go play “Super Mario Maker” again)

Scarlet: We’ll miss you, Crazy. But hey guys, it’s time to get really hype! Next time, or better or for worse, we’re coming to you live from your nearest shady merchandising booth at a convention to transport you to the wild and wacky world of Displaced! Will Cure Operator be able to defeat the evil canon empire and bring a dose of silliness and laughter to the very concept of a multiverse? Find out next time, on The Slender Woman Diaries!



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Oh hey, a bunch more short fics were submitted just in time for the 15th. Guess we’re doing this thing again.

Fallen Prime: Thanks for pulling in all that extra muscle, Sigma.

RingmasterJ5: We might end up needing it this week, since the fics here get pretty bad. The first is one of those weird cases where someone takes a “haunted game” and tries to turn it into a story, which never really turns out well.

Fallen Prime: I dunno, there was an NES Godzilla one I didn’t mind. Couple monsters in that are in the running for Colossal Kaiju Combat.

RingmasterJ5: No, that’s the thing: This isn’t a creepypasta, like that was. It’s literally someone taking the “haunted game” itself and trying to turn it into a story.

Fallen Prime: Well. Fuck me sideways with a rusty sawblade.

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t say stuff like that unless you really mean it.

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, “Flutter Island.exe”, by Dragonborne Fox and submitted by the author.

Fallen Prime: ...god DAMMIT, Foxy.

Crazy56U: Let’s get this out of the way right now...

MrSing: You should have acted. She’s are already here. The Community Shuffle told of her return. Our jokes were merely delay, until the time after the Shuffle opened, when the members of Fimfiction would submit their own fics. But no one wanted to believe, believe she even exist. And when the truth finally dawned, it dawned in weird haunted game crossovers. But… there is one they fear. In their tongue, she is Fox, Dragonborne.

Sigma: Please don’t give Foxy any more ego than she already has.



Chapter I - Dark Void



Sigma: Hey, no, Darkrai’s banned!

Crazy56U: No. Fuck you. (unleashes an army of 6 Darkrais) Do you have any idea how long it took to make this team?!

RingmasterJ5: Ten minutes in an Action Replay?

Crazy56U: Ding.

Bucephalus: As opposed to light void- it just looks like the end of a tunnel.



Fluttershy trotted to the edge of a cliff, standing far enough away to avoid falling.



CaptainPipsqueak: Because we wouldn’t want a creature capable of flight to fall, right kids?

Crazy56U: Hey now, “Dragonshy” showed that Fluttershy’s wings could lock up in fear, that may have happened here...

MrSing: That’s okay Fluttershy, not all of us can live on the edge. [Linkin Park blares in the distance]

RJ: But can’t she help herself from falling? [Aerosmith blasts for the other direction]



She looked up at the sky. Unusually violet clouds hung low under Luna's moon.



JofY: Wait a sec, those aren’t clouds… It’s noxious gas! Run!



The rest of the sky was what seemed a brownish-purple.



Sigma: That’s what happens when someone takes a dump in the skybox.

CaptainPipsqueak: Foolish Sigma; have you not heard of the glorious color brurple?

SC276: She’s seriously tripping out right now.

Crazy56U: Huh, I’ve always joked that Fluttershy did or has experience with drugs… Glad to see someone else shares that thought…

Bucephalus: It’s moments like these that I wonder why I riff with you guys. You’re ruining my Saturday mornings.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pretty impressive, seeing as it’s Sunday.

Bucephalus: I’m from last week’s riff.



It was dreary, to say the least.



Scarlet: Well, at least we’re skipping past the bright and sunny morning.

Crazy56U: Don’t tempt it.



But not the kind of dreary one would expect-- this was a dreary that seemed to have been born of what is known as Pony Hell itself.



Scarlet: “Nothing is more dreary and hellish than low-hanging clouds painted purple by the soft light of a setting sun, set against the picturesque vista of a magical kingdom.”

SC276: I thought Pony Hell was Tartarus?

Crazy56U: Pony Hell is separate from Tartarus, it’s actually the Equestrian Detroit...

MrSing: Pony Hell is googling MLP with the safe search disabled.

Topher: I did that once. SO… MANY… DICKS… Including on characters that are female.

JofY: Well, sometimes Hell needs to take a day off.



There was a vast assortment of stars in the sky, some a bright blue, some a dark red, some pure white altogether. It was horrible and marvelous all at once, and there was simply no denying it.



CaptainPisqueak: So she didn’t bother.

Waterpear: How, exactly, are America-colored stars dreary? Is Fluttershy a freedom-hating communazi?

SC276: I would think most of Equestria’s stars would be pure white.

Crazy56U: Oh boy, Luna got drunk and is painting the stars again...

MrSing: This is not how the Doppler effect works!



Fluttershy had found a sign at the far, far end of the cliff.



Crazy56U:

MrSing: “Watch out: Cliff”

JofY: “If you are reading this, you’ve gone too far.”



On it was a piece of paper, with a seemingly poorly-scrawled note.



Scarlet: “Am writing to inform you that this was bad idea. Abort before chapter continues.”

SC276: Why is the writing on the paper and not the sign itself again? Come to think of it, who puts a sign that close to the edge of a cliff?

Crazy56U: “Hello, I am a Nigerian Prince looking to share his fortune…”

MrSing: “Due to technical difficulties this cliff is out of order.”



It was so poorly written that even Twilight Sparkle couldn't decipher it.



Crazy56U: W-wait, Twilight’s in the scene, now?

MrSing: Pheh, Twilight can’t even write. Why do you think she makes Spike take all her letters?



Worse, it was written in blood.



CaptainPipsqueak: So of course Fluttershy goes to check it out. Jason Voorhees would be having an orgasm right now.

Crazy56U: “BRB Need to get a pen.”



"Who could've done such a thing...?" Fluttershy questioned.



Sigma: It was I, Dio!

SC276: Well in my experience with video games involving blood… someone that’s been murdered.

Crazy56U: Someone who had some spare blood but hates blood banks?

MrSing: Have you ever been so clumsy you opened an artery while writing a note?

Topher: Yes.

Scarlet: Topher, opening someone else’s doesn’t count!



Suddenly, the cliff's edge began cracking, as if breaking itself from the rest of the rock that held it there in place--which was exactly what was happening.



Scarlet: Well, at least this time we’re jumping right into the action. Even if that action makes no sense because-

CaptainPipsqueak: So the cliff fell...just like a falling cliff?

SC276: The ship bobbed on the surface of the water in the exact way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah.

Crazy56U: ...did the cliff just commit suicide?

Bucephalus: When inanimate objects begin to jump ship, you know something’s up.

CaptainPipsqueak: Lucky cliff...



Thankfully, Fluttershy was unharmed, because when the cliff began tearing at the very slightest, she began flapping her wings with such haste she became airborne.



Scarlet: -because yeah, that. Huh.

Crazy56U: ...oh, she could use her wings. I recant my earlier “Dragonshy” comment.

MrSing: Stop being competent or we’ll have to end the story in a non-stupid way.



The yellow Pegasus began jumping from cloud to cloud,



Crazy56U: And then the Rolling Stones began to yell at her.



sometimes going skywards, sometimes descending;



Sigma: Sometimes spinning in little circles or drawing dicks in the clouds.

SC276: Why wouldn’t she jump back to where the cliff was attached to?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because story. Shaddup.

Crazy56U: And sometimes collecting coins and jumping off of flying turtles. And then CD-i Mario began yelling at her.



depending on what cloud she thought she needed to go to



MrSing: That cloud looks like a bunny, that one like a cake. Oh! That one looks like the next platform I need to jump to!

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, a lot of those clouds were thunderclouds...



as well as where said cloud was. Some clouds had three unusual coins, forged of solid gold.



Scarlet: I begin to regret the chain of life decisions which has brought me to this point. I am now riffing Super Mario Maker With Ponies.

Sigma: I’d buy it.

Crazy56U: CALLED IT… minus a Hotel Mario clip.

MrSing: The true motivation of any video game protagonist: cold hard dosh.



Fluttershy took these coins with her, though for seemingly no reason.



Sigma: But in reality, the plot had commanded her to.

Crazy56U: And thus began Fluttershy’s hoarding habit.

MrSing: Can’t imagine a single reason to pick up solid gold coins.

CaptainPipsqueak: She was furious when she found out they were chocolate; she was allergic to chocolate!



Then, after a while, she found five gold coins just... floating in the air.



Sigma: And when she touched them, a floating head appeared and commanded her to morph.

SC276: Given the other coins she encountered were in clouds, those were in the air as well. Stop repeating yourself.

Crazy56U: So, when do the Question Mark blocks show up?

MrSing: The Skypirates suck at burying treasure.

Topher: Well, Rye kept sticking his dick in every hole they dug.

Bucephalus: *Vomits* Are all Kudzu fics like that?

CaptainPipsqueak: My answer is dependant on whether or not you puke again.

Bucephalus: I’m going to go cry in a corner.

CaptainPipsqueak: If it helps, he hasn’t delved into the cesspit of pedophilia. Yet. I think.

Fallen Prime: You missed “The Catch,” then. Got real close.



They formed the addition symbol.



SC276: It’s called a plus sign, ya dim bulb.

Crazy56U: Better than the equals symbol, lest Starlight Communist rears her ugly head.

MrSing: Yarrr, that be an X to mark the spot of treasure, laddie.



As soon as she grabbed the last coin, she blacked out--



Crazy56U: Having grabbed the last coin with her head apparently.

MrSing: Don’t do math, kids.



but not before seeing Applebloom.



Waterpear: Apple Bloom’s talent in this AU is apparently being the 1-Up symbol.

CaptainPipsqueak: You mean actually being useful and worth something?

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Howdy, Fluttershy, welcome to the afterlife!”

MrSing: “What are you doing with my family's life savings fund, Fluttershy?”



But Applebloom was different;



Sigma: “Her name had been written as Apple Bloom!”

Crazy56U: She was actually Scootaloo! (dun dun duuuuun)

MrSing: Don’t you mean Scoot Aloo?



her irises and pupils were small compared with the white of her eyes,



JofY: Well, turn off the light.



and her grin revealed



Sigma: -that she needed to see a dentist?

Crazy56U: Several more gold coins.

MrSing: Damnit, kids. I told you not to do math!



several jagged teeth. Teeth that belonged to a Manticore at the very least.



CaptainPipsqueak: And was going to be very cross when they weren’t in the glass filled with polident in the morning.

SC276: Does every pony .exe game have to have that one image?

Crazy56U: It’s a cliche, of course they do.

Bucephalus: Sir, there’s a manticore here who wants his teeth back.

CaptainPipsqueak: I mean that’s just cruel. And kinda gross. You don’t go nicking someone’s dentures.



She looked as if she had descended into some sort of incurable madness; the sort of madness usually accompanied by murders or something just as awful.



Scarlet: “For example, singing Journey off key while your co-workers are in earshot!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or karaoke. Or line dancing. Wait, no; Applebloom’s southern. She probably likes line dancing.

SC276: Or riffing a barrage of terrible one-shot pony fanfiction for a whole month.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah! Just like...aw fuck...

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom watched Teen Titans Go?



Fluttershy had a great deal of trouble just waking up.



Sigma: See, that’s why we have alarm clocks.

Crazy56U: And so, Fluttershy swore off sleep forever. THE END

MrSing: “Come on, Satan Applebloom. Five more minutes!”

SC276: ~Wake me up inside (CAN’T WAKE UP)~

Bucephalus: Wrong song. For us, it’s ~Wake me up when it’s all over~



There was maniacal laughter filling the otherwise-silent void of darkness.



Sigma: Ah, so she’s in the author’s mind.

SC276: Talk about the sounds of silence.

Crazy56U: This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is... ADVANCED darkness…

Bucephalus: Join in, it's fun!

MrSing: “If you are cold, go stand in a corner. They are 90 degrees AHAHAHAHAHAA!”

CaptainPisqueak: Sounded kind of like this.



When she came to at last, she found she was standing in a very dark area.



MrSing: She didn’t pay her electricity bills. The horror.

Crazy56U: Pony lives in the sunlit world of what she believes to be reality. But, there is, unseen by most, an underworld - a place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit... A darkside.



So dark, in fact, she could not see anything past her mane.



Scarlet: “It was at this point she realized her mane was in her eyes.”

Crazy56U: Fluttershy really needed a haircut...



She heard a voice that sounded like a sad Applebloom calling to her.



SC276: [Applebloom] “Help! I’m trapped in a terrible fanfic!”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Fluttershy, why are we in the Negative Zone?”



It spoke these words, becoming more frightening with each word spoken:



Sigma: “Drink… your… ovaltine?”

Crazy56U: “Never… gonna… give… you… up?”

MrSing: “Finish your essay before eight A.M. this Saturday.”

Topher: “And… his… name… is…”



"You're here.... You're finally here!! I'm trapped, frightened, and oh so very lonely. Won't you.... join me?!?!"



Scarlet: Insert crappy boss fight music here.

Sigma: “I’m playing Monopoly, and I still can’t get out of jail!”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I need more members for my ‘Empty Black Void’ club!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey. Hey. No. It’s called an Empty African American Void club. Racist.

Crazy56U: (dead eyed glare)

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, the NAACP gets really pissy about that sort of thing. Just being careful.

Crazy56U: (even more dead eyed glare)

CaptainPipsqueak: (gives the finger and smiles cheerfully)

Crazy56U: (severely dead eyed glare) (punches you in the jaw)

CaptainPipqueak: MARRY ME.



Was that even Applebloom, or a sort of demon pretending to be the young filly



MrSing: She was at the MLP cosplay convention. From hell.

Crazy56U: ...Fluttershy, is everything okay?



for the sole purpose of doing a single misdeed to the yellow Pegasus?



Waterpear: ¿Por que no los dos?

SC276: Why is “demon” even on the table here?

CaptainPipsqueak: And why would it stop a one misdeed? Does it not want to appear greedy?

Crazy56U: She even had a stick to poke her with. And it was sharp...

Bucephalus: In any story, the logical steps are actual person- fairy- demon-

shapeshifter? We don’t have fairies, so we go to demon. Bam. Problem solved.



Fluttershy was terrified, but now there was no going back. She moved forward, turning around every few minutes to make sure nothing followed her.



SC276: She literally can’t see her hoof in front of her face - assuming it’s far enough past her mane. That’s just going to get her even more turned around.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Fluttershy was running in place.

MrSing: That demon stuck her on a treadmill!

JofY: Hey! Be nice. After all, Fluttershy had to go all the way out here too...



There was a winding staircase of empty darkness, which forced the Pegasus to climb up.



Scarlet: It did so at gunpoint.

SC276: Or Chomppoint. Either works.

Crazy56U: And that wasn’t brought up before as being in the void, because… ... ...

MrSing: Why do people keep getting shot before they can explain stuff?

Crazy56U: ...I-I didn’t, though...



She found flat ground after a while, and trotted forward. She saw a white silhouette of what looked like a dismembered, clawed hand;



Sigma: Wait, when did we switch to that Pokémon creepypasta?

MrSing: “Hmmm. Seems creepy and dangerous. I’d better go check it out (/◕ヮ◕)/”

Crazy56U: The Claaaaaaw...



though, if she approached said silhouette, it merely disappeared into the unearthly darkness.



Scarlet: The Slenderman fic was last week!

SC276: And technically, it wasn’t even Slenderman!

CaptainPipsqueak: Slenderman, Slenderman, does whatever someone thin can…

Bucephalus: We’re not going there. The parasprite references were bad enough.

CaptainPipsqueak: Is he narrow? Listen, bud! He’s got really thin blood!

Crazy56U: Never bring that up again.



She fell off another cliff and into another void. This void was not inky black, but a crimson red.



Waterpear: Perhaps it is also a violet purple.

Sigma: Shit, I don’t wanna fight Vanilla Ice!

SC276: Ice ice baby?

Sigma: More like Cream-y death.

Bucephalus: I hate you guys.

MrSing: Why are there so fucking many cliffs and voids around here? Does this thing take place in the Space Grand Canyon?

Sigma: I don’t see any red guys arguing about pumas, though.

Crazy56U: Red, the blood of angry men! Black, the dark of fan fics past!



Fluttershy turned around, and was once more greeted by the insane Earth filly.



Waterpear: Insane Earth Filly? Damn, I loved that band in middle school.

MrSing: They really sold out after their first album though.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Hi, Fluttershy!” “Oh hello insane earth pony that sort of resembles Apple Bloom. I love what you’ve done with the void; it really matches your mane!”

Crazy56U: Silly Fluttershy, she’s not insane. She’s just cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

CaptainPipsqueak: Same thing. God that stuff is foul.

Crazy56U: Were you never hugged as a child?



The yellow Pegasus turned around and began galloping madly; the insane Cutie Mark Crusader following hot on pursuit. The same laughter filled the dark red void.



Scarlet: Which was black a few minutes ago. Continuity!

CaptainPipsqueak: So is she an insane earth pony or an insane Cutie Mark Crusader? Because I don’t think it’s legal to be both.

SC276: Is it just me, or is chasing an integral part of like every freeware horror game ever?

CaptainPipsqueak: Demon Applebloom chose to be on pursuit, not in pursuit. Anypony can be in pursuit.

MrSing: No, Scarlet, this is the second void that came after the second cliff descend. Everyone knows that level 1 is black and level 2 is red.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Silent Hill.



No matter how fast Fluttershy ran, the laughter got increasingly closer. Suddenly, there was a dead end.



MrSing: Today we have gathered to mourn the loss of our dear friend end. In accordance with its wishes it will be buried in creepy pasta hell.

Crazy56U: Fluttershy’s runnin’ down a dream. That never would come to she. Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads. Runnin' down a dream.

Bucephalus: I will join you in mourning. Truly, without him, no fic will have a good conclusion.



Applebloom began closing in on the Pegasus; her gallop reduced to a very slow pace.



CaptainPipsqueak: So she did what layman call ‘walking’ then?

Bucephalus: Nope. This is more like wading through caramel.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why would you want to do that to poor Caramel?

MrSing: It’s more of a light jog.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, Apple Bloom’s running on. Running on empty. Running on.

Running blind. Running on. Running into the… dark, but she’s running behind.



When Applebloom was so close she could jump Fluttershy, she disappeared.



CaptainPipsqueak: Then the lights came on and everypony shouted “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Then somepony ran for a defibrillator.

Crazy56U: [Electrical Beast] “Teleport!”



The ground where the filly stood suddenly collapsed on itself, thus leading to another void.



Scarlet: Fluttershy was a mare of voids within voids, you see.

CaptainPipsqueak: The author uses that word a lot. Guess he can’t avoid it, huh?

Sigma: Shit, we really are dealing with Vanilla Ice!

Bucephalus: *Pulls out folder of inception jokes and filters through it* This is voidception. We must go deeper. Should I keep this folder out for this fic?

Crazy56U: ...so, is this a cutscene, or did the game not have good bug testing?



Having no other choice, the Pegasus fell into the darkness.



CaptainPipsqueak: As opposed to, y’know, hovering or something.

SC276: Falling! Everywhere! Moreso, perhaps, than even chasing!

Crazy56U: So, Fluttershy was free? Free falling?



She was in another room, even redder than the hallway she was in only moments before.



MrSing: The dreaded hue cherry red.

Crazy56U: Red, a world about to dawn! Black, the night that ends at last!

JofY: Oh no! She’s in a bad OC color palette.



The voice echoed once more:

"Why do you run away? Is this not fun for you? This is.... so upsetting."



Scarlet: It’s sad when I admit this is probably the creepiest thing we’ve riffed so far. Y’know, not counting Kudzu.

SC276: I stopped being creeped when it went with the cliché haunted Applebloom.

MrSing: You’re upset? We actually have to read this.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Why won’t you let me kill you?! Come on!!!”

JofY: “I mean, I’ve tried making this as silly as possible.”



The Pegasus noticed she was in a square room, with a gargantuan black oval on one of the red walls. The hole she fell from was sealed, trapping Fluttershy.



Scarlet: And then it started to shake. Once… twice… three times… Yes! Fluttershy was caught! Give a nickname to your new Fluttershy?

Sigma: Waifu… Best… Pon-, damn, character limit!

Bucephalus: Take a leaf from my friend book and name her ‘Boo Boo Jr.’

Crazy56U: Oh dear, that hole better have some holes poked into it, lest she suffocate.



She felt fear well up within her body, down to the last hair on her forehoof. The black oval suddenly turned into the filly's eye; looking at the Pegasus with ill intent.



SC276: This is turning into that SpongeBob episode where Ms. Puff went to jail.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bowl of chili) Huh, so that’s why I have this...

MrSing: You can say what you want, that filly has vision.

CaptainPipsqueak: Has anyone ever looked at someone with healthy intent? You never hear anyone looking with healthy intent, it’s always ill.

Bucephalus: *Looks at CaptainPipsqueak with healthy intent* Now you know why.

CaptainPisqueak:*shudder* I retract my question. Still, it need to be asked, y’know?

Topher: So are you gonna eat that chili or what?

Crazy56U: (eating chili) What chili?



The voice spoke yet again:

"But that's okay with me. I am very sure your heart and mind will change eventually. It is not like you can simply escape me. After all, I HAVE MY EYE ON YOU!!!



Waterpear: Of all the menacing lines a creepy demon-possessed child can spout, this is, without a doubt, not one of them.

Sigma: “I mean I literally have an eye on you. Can I have it back? I like having depth perception.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “No. You should have thought about that before. Now it’s mine, young filly!”

MrSing: That line was pretty cornea, Applebloom.

Crazy56U: Fuck it, another song.



Fluttershy began screaming in panic. This was not Applebloom at all; what remained was an insane filly.



Scarlet: Pastel Horses- When They Cry. New chapters now available on Steam!

JofY: Come get me when it goes on sale.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and Fluttershy only now figures out it’s not Applebloom. The award for thickest brick in the wall goes to…

Bucephalus: BRB, logging into the steam store and lying about my age.

MrSing: Oh no! She was a secret OC!

Crazy56U: I knew it! Apple Bloom did watch Teen Titans Go! The fool!



She began falling back into the darkness, landing on more ground.



SC276: Falling! Everywhere!

Crazy56U: I guess this means Fluttershy digs Elvis. ...why do I hear a punch of people crying all of a sudden?



She opened her eyes and saw that she was in Twilight's library. "Are you okay, Fluttershy?!" Spike asked. He looked worried.



Crazy56U: [Spike] “Also, side note, where the fuck did you come from, you just

spontaneously fell from the ceiling, the FUCK?!”



"No, I am not okay," replied the Pegasus. She fell back into the void of darkness.



Scarlet: Riku! I mean, Kairi! I mean Fluttershy!

CaptainPipsqueak:TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sigma: “Wheeeeee!”

SC276: ~I could fall (fall) from heaven…~

MrSing: She woke up with a fine for being late with returning her books.

Crazy56U: [Spike] “...okay, bye, I guess…”

CaptainPipsqueak: Spike later had the shit beaten out of him by Twilight for the void in the floor. She ignored his cries of innocence.



Chapter II - Awful Truth?



CaptainPipsqueak: Why is that a question? And do we want an answer?

Sigma: Awful truth, or bad fanfiction? You decide!

SC276: Which will it be, money or love? Only the scales know for sure!

Crazy56U: Awful Truth or Beautiful Lie? Tonight on 20/20.



Fluttershy was very eager to go to the Gala that night.



Waterpear: I don’t see why. After all, the hellscape from the last chapter has the distinct advantage of not being the Grand Galloping Gala.

Bucephalus: *Looks at folder* I give up. This is a pony-horror version of inception, isn’t it?

CaptainPipsqueak: What is it with you and Inception?

Bucephalus: Nothing…

Crazy56U: Oh, I get it, she’s jumping back and forth through time like Picard in the last episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation… Which means Discord is behind this, the fuck.

Topher: Well, if this is an Inception crossover, I better have this on standby. *Pulls out a massive tuba*



She trotted to Canterlot Castle, wearing a magnificent green dress that was adorned in trimmings of cerulean and flowers of gold.



Scarlet: Toriel, no! Don’t make this a crossover! I’ll literally cry!

CaptainPipsqueak: Fluttershy was jealous: the dress looked way better on the castle than it had her.

SC276: Do real .exe games have such little continuity, or…?

CaptainPipsqueak: This is one of those ‘rhetorical questions’ right?

MrSing: What do you think?

Crazy56U: ...I’m just going to pretend that I understand this conversation.

Bucephalus: I’m going to pretend that I’m pretending to actually care.

CaptainPipsqueak: Um… Oh hey; more story!



There was a long gate to the Gala, and many pillars of marble used in ancient times.



SC276: These days, they use the titanium pillars.

MrSing: The ancient distant past of today.

Crazy56U: Princess Celestia is ripping off Ancient Greece, I can’t fucking believe this…

JofY: They should sue.



Everypony was there, but seemingly petrified.....almost lifeless.



MrSing: This year’s Gala blows.

Crazy56U: Almost as bad as the one from “The Best Night Ever”. ...fuck that episode.

JofY: ‘Like they were characters meant to be placed on a background of sorts and not do much else.’



The Princesses, the rest of the Mane Six,



CaptainPipsqueak: Would they ever actually be referred to as that at any point?

Bucephalus: Honestly, with all the break up fanfics and fixfics, I think we can just call them the Mane Five.

Crazy56U: Well, technically the Mane Four, Rainbow got food poisoning and Pinkie’s

been banished… again...



Vinyl Scratch, and Applebloom.



SC276: Gheeze, the guy who made this couldn’t even be bothered to make animated sprites.

Crazy56U: Funnily enough, Vinyl and Apple Bloom weren’t invited. Party crashers!



The Pegasus trotted past more pillars before stopping in front of Applebloom once more.



Scarlet: That’s nice, but what happened to Fluttershy?

Crazy56U: She’s having an Artist Formally Known as Prince moment and changed her name.



The filly's eyes were red, her coat red-brown, and her mane, tail, and hair bow even darker.



Sigma: If it isn’t Darker Than Black, I dun’ wanna hear ‘bout it.

SC276: How do you even know that’s Applebloom and not yet another red-and-black Marty Stu?

MrSing: Either Satan!Applebloom went into a Hot Topic store to buy a hair bow or Applebloom’s bow turned to the dark side.

Crazy56U: Man, a literal palette swap? Boo!

Bucephalus: At least she has better fashion sense than me.



The area around the red of the filly's eyes was solid jet-black. All at once, the ground under the Pegasus crumbled, and she plummeted into the darkness.



Waterpear: Poor Fluttershy. Even in dreams, she can’t fly very well. :(

Scarlet: She’ll be fine, she’ll just wake up in Traverse Town.

SC276: FALLING! EVERYWHERE!

MrSing: Does this fic have termites or something?

Crazy56U: Let the ‘Shy fall... When it crumbles... We will stand tall... Face it all together…

Bucephalus: It was a dark and stormy night, Fluttershy fell into a void of darkness and landed on her feet. She took in her surroundings. It was a dark and stormy night, Fluttershy fell into a void of darkness and landed on her feet. She took in her surroundings. It was a dark and stormy… *looks down, falls into void, and swears*

Topher: *looks down into the void, drops a brick*



"Not again! Please stop this! Whatever it is, I don't like it!" Fluttershy pleaded.



Sigma: Use your rape whistle, Fluttershy!

SC276: Ain’t just you, sister!

Crazy56U: JonTron shares your sentiment.

JofY: “Well since you asked nicely.”



The dark voice responded, "HehehehaHAHA!



MrSing:

Crazy56U: Suddenly, JonTron reappears for round two.

Bucephalus: I’ll give him a medal if he can go ten.

Captainpipsqueak: That’s not so much a response as a sound effect.

Crazy56U: ...which is what a response can be, friend.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, but you don’t generally write it out phonetically.

Bucephalus: Ehhungsnotlkle. That was me laughing at your assumption.



Why stop now? You enjoy this as much as I do!! And if you don't, then you better find me!"



Scarlet: The most evil of all games: hide and go seek!

MrSing: “Or you can just walk out of the door, I guess.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “You’re behind me, aren’t you.”

[Apple Bloom] “...shit.”



The Pegasus was in another dark room, noticing she was not wearing her dress.



Scarlet: And she became aware of her nakedness, and was ashamed.

Waterpear: The apple of evil doesn’t come until later, though.

Sigma: But Fluttershy fans come as soon as the nakedness does.

MrSing: “Why am I wearing power armor?”

Crazy56U: Nor was she wearing her skin...



She walked toward a dead end, then walked back.



SC276: This is literally transcribing game actions and I feel freakin’ ashamed for it.

MrSing: “You are standing in a dark room. You can see four walls around you.”

>Go West

“You were eaten by a Grue.”

Crazy56U: >Quit

JofY: “I don’t understand the words “Quit”.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Which explains why you’re still here.



A set of stairs that was not there before led upwards. As she ascended, more stairs appeared,



MrSing: Christ, her thighs are going to be able to crush boulders at this rate.

Crazy56U: ...okay, my brain just painted a bad image, thanks for that…

JofY: Behold! THE STAIRMASTER!



leading upwards and in the opposing direction. She was in another room, this one housing five paintings.



Sigma: But there are four lights!

SC276: Must be a really cheap museum, to cut costs like that.

Crazy56U: And all five were simply pictures of matchstick men.



Each painting was that of her friends.



MrSing: [Fluttershy] “Wow, Twilight sucks at painting.”

Crazy56U: Except, for some reason, there was no Rainbow painting. There were two Applejacks, though...



More stairs needed to be climbed. When she entered another room, the voice echoed:



Scarlet: “Seriously, why are you even bothering to follow me? We both know I’m just going to keep doing spooky things.”

Crazy56U: “NO SOLICITORS.”

CaptainPipsqueak: SAVE KEYS TO OPEN DOORS.



"What's wrong? Giving up?"



SC276: Does anything she’s doing look like she’s giving up?

JofY: Well, she’s probably just seeing where she can go.

Bucephalus: Just press ‘escape!’ Do IT!

Crazy56U: I already tried the “Quit” command, shut up!



Fluttershy didn't respond. The voice continued, seemingly angrier: "Not talking, are we? 'Tis a shame, really. I know you are wondering where your painting is at. It was hideous to look at. I dare say it made your friends look better than you."



Scarlet: Ooh! Sick… burn…?

Sigma: Don’t really need burn heal right now, Blaine.

Crazy56U: $5 says Apple Bloom was the painter.

SC276: This is like a really bad GLaDOS. And I’m probably getting three weeks in the room with the screaming robots for that.



Fluttershy was getting irritated. "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!" the Pegasus yelled.



SC276: You shut yo’ mouth, fool!

MrSing: She’s more enraged by the quality of the insults than the fact that they are aimed at her.

JofY: “I know you are but what am I?”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “I’m just talking about Shaft!”

[Fluttershy] “Then I can dig it.”



The voice only laughed maniacally, as if mocking the mare it taunted.



Scarlet: Oh the demon’s not taunting her, it’s just watching its favorite sit-com!

MrSing: It’s just the happiest little demon in the village.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “HAW HAW!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Um… not to be the voice of reason or anything, but if she’s being taunted, isn’t she already being mocked?



The yellow Pegasus walked down another dark hallway, and another room past that. The room past the hallway had Applebloom's maddening eyes.



SC276: Those things just get everywhere, don’t they.

MrSing: ಠ_ಠ

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom had gone so far off of the deep end, she now had the eye of the tiger.

JofY: Apple Bloom was just trying to be the thrill of the night.



These eyes got larger and then smaller, like that of a beating heart.



Scarlet: I’ve studied several still-beating hearts and trust me, it’s very unusual for them to have eyes.

SC276: Some glue and googly-eyes will fix that!

MrSing: Is she winking at us?

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: We’re actually watching footage of Apple Bloom’s last eye exam.



There was another room that housed a pool of blood.



MrSing: WOOO! Pool party!

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: It was actually a pool of Kool Aid.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least it wasn’t Tang...



Fluttershy found a piece of paper that had a bunch of letters on it. It looked like something was warning her, but the writing and arrangement of letters made it look garbled. The paper made absolute nonsense.



Scarlet: “Password for Level.”

CaptainPipsqueak: A A A A A A...A.

Bucephalus: Ycoidi siht fo tuo teg.

MrSing: “‘Spike is best pony’? Who would write this?”

Crazy56U: “Ik geef je nooit op.” ...the fuck is this, Dutch?



She trotted past more stairs, some winding up and some descending down.



MrSing:

Crazy56U:



At last, she was in another blood crimson hallway. Her painting was there. Then, the Fluttershy in the painting started to decay.



Scarlet: Well shit, she’s in the film adaptation of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and she’s cast as Dorian Grey. Lovely.

SC276: Wait, isn’t she looking at the painting now? Wouldn’t that mean she’d start to decay?

MrSing: I hope she still has the receipt for that painting.

Crazy56U: And that’s what happens when you get a painting from the Dollar General.



The wingtips, torn and bloody; flesh wounds all over; solid black eyes that cried blood; the tail removed; blood emerging from the mouth; her cutie mark nothing more than this red mass of exposed muscle tissue; her left leg missing.



Waterpear: The semicolons; please stop; these are; not; how you use; them;;;;;;;

Scarlet: Allow me to summarize the above- Spooky Scary Painting Woogie Woogie woo!

Bucephalus: There; is; not; enough; nope; for; my; feelings; about; this.

Crazy56U: ;;;;Oh;god;;;;;;the;semicolons;;;;;;;;;;;have;been;angered;;;;;;HELP;;;;;;;;;;;

Topher: ‘*;g;u;r;g;l;e;.;.;.;;;b;l;e;h;*;



When the decay of the portrait Fluttershy happened, so too did the decay of the real Fluttershy.



Scarlet: “She fell apart since Flutterzombie is kind of a dumb concept, the end!”

SC276: I WAS JOKING!

MrSing: Well, at least she doesn’t have to pose for a new painting.

Crazy56U: Dorian Grey is going to sue your ass off, Author...



The voice echoed once more

"Teeheehee, you just found me. Now we can play some more!"



Sigma: Oh, great, the fucking skull kid from Twilight Princess.

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Now, instead of Hide ‘n Go Seek, we can play Tag!”



"Noo...



Sigma: Dull surprise…

CaptainPipsqueak: Stop. Please stop. Eek. Argh. Etcetera.

Crazy56U:



I won't be locked in here with you,"



MrSing: “Don’t you get it? I’m not locked up in here with you. You are locked up with me!”

Crazy56U: And then Fluttershy Action Replayed herself out of the room.



Fluttershy responded. She began hyperventilating, shouting, "WHAT ARE YOU?!"



Scarlet: Why is it that every time I get a chance to link to Higurashi clips it’s too long after Halloween for it to be amusing?

Sigma: I am a man!

SC276: “I’m you! I’m your shadow!”

CaptainPipsqueak: I'm Batman.

Crazy56U: ...she’s a pallete swap, I explained this.



The discolored, insane Applebloom appeared before the Pegasus. She spoke, "Woe is me, you've already long since forgotten? I am YOU! Or, more accurately, the darkness that lurks WITHIN YOU!"



Sigma: This is what Fluttershy gets for voreing Applebloom.

SC276: I WAS STILL JOKING!!

MrSing: You sure know a lot about this fic, SC276. Or should I call you by your real name, Dragonborne Fox?

Bucephalus: Burn the heretic. She delivered herself into our hands. Let them be purged.

Crazy56U: Bullshit, SC276 is a prophet, not Satan.

Bucephalus: … There’s a difference here?

CaptainPipsqueak: Satan looks cooler.

SC276: You freakin’ purge me, I’ll riff your fic next.

Bucephalus: … You know my username over on fimfic?

JofY: “I AM THE EDGE!!!”



With that, the discolored Applebloom became a discolored, non-decayed Fluttershy.



Waterpear: No, Fluttershy. You are the Apple Bloom.

Scarlet: Jesus, Xehanort! Wasn’t it enough making one fandom more convoluted than it ever needed to be? Must you spread your tendrils into this one too?

MrSing: Oh cool, she turned into a 3D colourbook.

Crazy56U: Now she’s a super palette swap! Oh no!



She continued, "I have been begging to be released within the depths of your fragile mind, little pony. I am essentially what you've sedated with your kindness.



Waterpear: No, Apple Bloom. You are the Iron Will. And the Discord. And maybe the Seabreeze, too. But definitely the Iron Will.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also the Kwisatz Haderach. Bring the rain, muad’dib!

SC276: “I’m inside your body, inside your mind, I am your darkness, little girl!”

Bucephalus: I am your failure to have character growth!

CaptainPisqueak: Which one of us is the Terror that Flaps in the Night?

Crazy56U: I’m, like, only 45% sure the Author isn’t ripping off Supernatural here...



I am what you've been hiding from all these years.



MrSing: A little girl?

Crazy56U: Taxes?

CaptainPipsqueak: The secret recipe for Coca Cola?

JofY: An industrial revolution?



Soon, it shall be my turn. I will wake up. I will take control.



Sigma: “And I will enter the Konami code. And I will have infinite lives and ammo. And then, I will rule the world.”

Crazy56U: And the number just lowered to 40%...



As for you.... YOU SHALL BE NOTHING!!!"



Scarlet: Quick, Fluttershy! Catch! *hurls a keyblade*

Crazy56U: [Not-Fluttershy] “I’m dummying you out of this game!”

JofY: *Gets hit by the keyblade.* OWWW!!!



Weeks later, Spike got a letter.



Crazy56U: [Spike] “Let’s see… ‘Dear pesky plumbers’, blah blah blah, ‘taken over the Mushroom Kingdom’, blah blah blah, ‘permanent guest’, ‘Koopa Hotels’, ‘find her’, blah. … (crumples up letter) I hate spam…”

JofY: “I am a prince from Nigeria…”



It read:

As for you, YES, YOU!



Scarlet: Me?

Waterpear: Yes, you! Couldn’t be? Then who!? Fallen stole the cookies from the cookie jar!

CaptainPipsqueak: That… bastard.

Bucephalus: One of our own has betrayed us.

Crazy56U: Why me?



Don't think you've gone unnoticed.



MrSing: Thanks senpai.

Bucephalus: I volunteer as tribute!

Crazy56U: (blushes)



I know full well you are trying to help her.



Scarlet: Well, I hardly think hurling a fictional weapon through the fourth wall in a completely tongue-in-cheek manner counts as helping, per say.

SC276: [Spike] “What even is this shit.”

Crazy56U: ...all Spike did was ask her one question...



I know you believe yourself to be safe. I assure you, your assumption is wrong!



Scarlet: I share this riffspace with at least two people who’ve regularly killed or otherwise committed violence towards my person as a joke. “Safe” may be pushing it.

SC276: At least the slingshots are in storage…

Bucephalus: At one point, we’re going to kill each other due to the madness from these fics. There can only be one!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, I’m a captain. I outrank all’a you bitches.

Crazy56U: You literally joined our merry band of idiots in the sampler. Some of us

have been here since “Past Sins”. Shush.

CaptainPipsqueak: But I’m small and cute. I’m a captain and I’m small and cute. Still

want to argue?

MrSing: This is the most posh death threat ever.

Bucephalus: We need a life.

Crazy56U: (nods sadly)

CaptainPipsqueak: I blame all’a you all.

Topher: I’m not sure of the precise meaning of what you just said, but I shall interpret it as “kill time now.” *whips out a rocket launcher, opens fire*



Something terrible is headed your way.



SC276: Something wicked this way comes. That, or something stupid.

CaptainPipsqueak: Not to belabor the obvious, but aren’t we already there?

Crazy56U: ...there’s more to this story, isn’t there…

JofY: “I shall make you… DO MY TAXES!!!”



And when it's over, you will know the true meaning of terror!!



Waterpear: 1. extreme fear.: "people fled in terror" "a terror of darkness". 2. a person, especially a child, who causes trouble or annoyance.: "placid and obedient in their parents' presence, but holy terrors when left alone".

Scarlet: Well, at least the last bit of that spiel ended up true.

SC276: Despair for tomorrow! Despair at the thought of the unknown! Despair that your memories are something at last! I can’t actually figure out that last line!

Crazy56U: I’ve put up with so much shit with these riffs. Do your worse.

MrSing: That extra and unnecessary exclamation point is pretty terrible, yeah.

JofY: “YOU SHALL KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE TO PACE AROUND!!! IN THE DARK!!!”



Apples Everywhere.exe (Flashback)



Crazy56U: (slams head down onto table) Damn.

MrSing: World Hunger Solved.exe

SC276: Suddenly, (pine)apples.



DISCLAIMER:



MrSing: May contain nuts.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry.

JofY: I’m not.



I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS LIKE A FUCKING NUMBNUT!



SC276: I can.

Sigma: If this were an RR, I would say nothing. But here, this is just a riff, so I’ll say this: Foxy, you are a fucking numbnut.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, at least she admits she’s a fucking numbnut. That’s the first step of the healing process.

Crazy56U: Some things are better left forgotten, numbnuts.

MrSing: Hey, I was right about the nuts.

CaptainPipsqueak: I just feel numb.

Topher: And I’m just nuts.



Shoutout to Dark Colt Sabata for pointing this out to me!



Scarlet: I hate you too, Dark Colt Sabata!

SC276: Is that anything like Santana?

Crazy56U: That’s a made-up person, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

MrSing: Not so much a shoutout as a shouting out.



Applebloom was trotting along the road of Sweet Apple Acres. It was a bright, sunny day and just rightfully so, considering it was apple-picking day.



Waterpear: Oh, that’s where they put the obligatory sunny day.

CaptainPipsqueak: They swept the clouds a-way...

Crazy56U: Also known as Tuesday.



She ran in front of Applejack, who had a huge cart loaded with apples next to her.



MrSing: “Look Sis, someone left all these apples unattended in their stall! Truly a great apple-picking day today.”

Crazy56U: Well, duh, it’s an apple farm. What did you think was going to be in the cart? Pumpkins?



"Oh, hey sis! Could ya do me a favor?" Applejack asked.



Scarlet: “Nope.”

Crazy56U: [Apple Bloom] “Does it involve being in a terrible Creepypasta?”

[Applejack] “..noooooo?”



"Yeah?" Asked Bloom.

"Ah gathered most of them apples from the orchard back there,



MrSing: Only one cart? Rough year, man.

Crazy56U: The apple economy is in the toilet.



but there's still a few left," Applejack replied, "Would ya be kind enough to bring them to me?"



Scarlet: “Would ya be kind enough?” Who is this, the Bioshock protagonist?

CaptainPipsqueak: ”Oh look, Mister Bubbles! A new playmate!”

Crazy56U: Oh, great, a fetch quest. Cool.

MrSing: Being polite is nothing but a reference to video games to us now. I think we might have riffed for too long.



"Sure thing!" Applebloom chimed, galloping to the orchard with a basket in hoof.



SC276: Somehow, considering she probably needs that to walk.

Crazy56U: Uh, Apple Bloom, you should probably get our hoof out of that so you don’t step on it repeatedly...



She began bucking the apple trees, taking a total of 19 when she came across a dark crimson apple.



Waterpear: This fic really puts the malus in Malus domestica.

Crazy56U: Well, to be fair, she had come across 6 of those already, along with some

green ones...

MrSing: Those are called tomatoes.

Topher: She also found an orange, but it was incinerated as per Sweet Apple Acres policy.



"Yuck! This one's rotten! She won't want it!" Applebloom hissed as she dropped the bad apple and ran back to her sister.



Scarlet: I thought this was the origin of Applezombie, not Applesnake.

Bucephalus: You know, it’s a testament that she didn’t try to eat the evil apple, what with Snow White, Eve and Co. being complete idiots.

Crazy56U: That poor apple just got its feelings hurt. Apple Bloom is savage.

MrSing: What’s she gonna do? Tattle on the apple?

Crazy56U: ...because the bully always tattles on the victim, right?



"Ah got the apples."

"Thanks." Applejack smiled as she loaded the apples into the cart.



Crazy56U: Riveting...

MrSing: I don’t have to be here. I could be watching the grass grow right now.



Applebloom trotted down the hill and met with Fluttershy.



Scarlet: This triggered a mandatory dialogue cutscene.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shit. And those’re unskippable, too...

Crazy56U: Aw, man, it doesn’t even have that “Heavy Rain”-style glitch, this blows…

Ethan: SHAUN!



"Oh, um, hello Applebloom. Is your sister around?" Asked the buttery-yellow Pegasus.



SC276: Pretty sure she would’ve phrased that differently.

Crazy56U: … “Asked the yellow-buttery Pegasus”?

MrSing: “Asked the margarine-yellow Pegasus”?



"Sure is. She's just up the hill if ya wanna talk to her." Replied the filly.

"Wonderful. Thank you Applebloom." Fluttershy smiled as she began to trot up the hill when a voice stopped everything.



Scarlet: STAR PLATINUM!

Sigma: THE WORLD!

Bucephalus: IT IS I: CELESTIA! BE PURGED!

CaptainPipsqueak: Sounded kinda like this

Crazy56U: SHAUN!



"Darnit! The harness broke!



MrSing: Looks like another hill climber is plummeting to their demise.

Crazy56U: And soon, a piano smashed into the ground.



Hey, watch out down there!" Cried Applejack's voice much too late as the cart tumbled headlong into the Pegasus and rolled with her into a house.



Scarlet: Huh. Apparently that did transition into the closest possible thing this fic could get to “AND HERE’S A ROAD ROLLER.”

Sigma: “I stopped time at the nine second mark!”

Crazy56U: ...well, that’s just silly.

MrSing: [Fluttershy]: “It’s okay, I’m fine.”



[Fluttershy]: “...ow.”



----

Fluttershy woke up in foggy darkness. She took a few steps forward and dared to ask "What happened? Where am I?"



Scarlet: Wait, did the author actually forget to write in his intended beginning?

SC276: What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?!

Crazy56U: (extremely deadpan) Oh, so she was dead all along in the original story. What a shocking plot development, can’t you see how much I care?



She heard an ominous sound. "Is someone there?"



SC276: [Turret] “Is someone there? I don’t hate you.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?”



Another Pegasus, this time with Applebloom's colors, began trotting toward her.



MrSing: Applebloom is so going to sue you.

Crazy56U: ...palette swaps are a sueable offense, now?



"Oh, hello. Do you know where I am?" Fluttershy squeaked before it all went black.



Crazy56U: [Demon!Apple Bloom] “Yes. In a crappy story. Welcome to Hell! :D”

MrSing: Might want to get that whole fainting business checked out, Fluttershy.



And so it began…



Scarlet: Or in my case, so it ended.

SC276: How does that make sense as a beginning? The fic started with Fluttershy standing on a cliff with a sign holding a note written in blood!

Crazy56U: Good stuff, glad to have this vital part of story that we could’ve been better off not having, Author.

MrSing: You all don’t get it, it’s modern art. You can’t criticise it because no one understands it.

Crazy56U: Stop being a hipster.



----

Applebloom had returned to where the bad apple was and was instantly transported to a graveyard.



SC276: Don’t you just hate when cursed fruit does that?

Sigma: Weakest devil fruit power ever.

Crazy56U: You see, Apple Bloom? That’s what you get for hurting its feelings...

MrSing: Ah, don’t worry. It’s just a pet cemetery.



Absolutely everything was at least a shade of lavender.



Waterpear: This story is trying really hard not to link the Lavender Town music.

SC276: Lavender is a light purple. That’s literally one of the least threatening colors ever.

CaptainPipsqueak: Unless you’re Twilight Sparkle.

Bucephalus: Honestly, the only product I ever find in the color lavender are bath salts and soaps, so the mood is ruined for me.

Crazy56U: Just say “purple”, you pretentious ass. You don’t need to use fancy color

names, it’s purple, shut up.

MrSing: I’ve had quite enough of this lavender shaded prose!



"What is this place?" Asked the filly in a frightened tone.



SC276: ~What’s this? What’s this? / There’s white things in the air…~

CaptainPipsqueak .:..filled with so many terrors...

Crazy56U: OH dear, this is how Apple Bloom finds out that graveyards exist...

MrSing: This is where we harvest headstones.



She began trotting past grave after grave, taking note of the silhouettes around. They looked like severed, clawed hands and as with everything else here, they were lavender as well.



Scarlet: Lavender Town creepypasta are starting to run out of ideas, aren’t they?

Waterpear: The graves were overgrown with hyper-realistic lavender.

SC276: What is with clawed hands in all this hooved character business?

Crazy56U: PURPLE. PURPLE.

Topher: We already did our FNAF crossover.



"Sis...where are you?!" Cried the filly.



Sigma: “Try looking to your left, numbnuts.”

Crazy56U: She abandoned ship, Apple Bloom. You’re stuck being in the rest of the fic. Sorry...



She kept moving forward. "I'm scared..." She squeaked.



Crazy56U: ...then leave the graveyard...



Suddenly, a wind blew a piece of paper onto her face.



MrSing: Littering is the first real scary thing that happened in this fic. So, yay for us, I guess.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Insert Slender reference here.



She removed it with her hoof and examined it. "What's this...? An invitation...to a birthday party?" Applebloom thought, "But...who's birthday is it?"



Crazy56U: Well, it’s not February 26th, so it can’t be mine… (scoff) Yeah, as if

someone would throw me a birthday party- wow, I just made myself depressed……

Topher: Wait, your birthday is the twenty-sixth? Well, we can still celebrate! *procures a teapot from nowhere, bursts into song* A VERY MERRY UN-BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Crazy56U: ...eh, I can dig it. (produces a noisemaker, makes noise)



And then she looked at the invitation again, and then a grave next to her.



Scarlet: Well, clearly not whoever that one belongs to.

SC276: Spirit, whose lonely grave is this?

Bucephalus: You know too much. *pushes Scarlet in* Enjoy the fanfic!

Crazy56U: Happy Birthday, Grave!

Scarlet: I’m still right here, you know. The fourth wall is surprisingly permeable.



Applebloom began sobbing as she realized she herself had died.



Scarlet: And then she was John Stamos!

SC276: Why, yours, Ebenezer - the richest man in the cemetery!

Crazy56U: ...b-but the grave was unmarked, how did she jump to this conclusion... ...the fuck.

MrSing: What? What killed her? Was it high blood pressure? Was she just allergic to trees? Come on, fic.

JofY: No, it was the darkness inside that killed her.



RingmasterJ5: And then Applebloom was a zombie. Anyway, now we have a bit of an… interesting… comparison between these next two fics, which we’ll get to later. The first is pseudo-Shakespearean bullshit submitted by the author, that Fallen suggested we run after I was skeptical we could really get anything out of it.

Fallen Prime: I have faith in your talents, considering you tore so hard into “The Catch” that it turned into its own spin-off parody story. I took one look at this story, and after an initial “Ohhhhhhhh nooooooooooo” reaction, figured you guys would make something work, even if that something is just exaggerated incredulity. But hey, it’s short.

CaptainPipsqueak: In some cases, so is pneumonia.

Crazy56U: (slow blink) ...oh. ...joy...

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, “Sunpraiser 64” written and submitted by Hailspider.

SC276: Oh joy, a trip back to the days of blocky polygonal graphics. ...I mean, I like the N64, but I suspect I’m going to hate it soon.

Bucephalus: Wait, it’s over? That’s the stupidest ending I’ve seen in ages, and I sat through the parasprites.

Crazy56U: Wait… dear God, don’t tell me it’s a religious game story...



Another Day



Crazy56U: Another nickel, because the economy.



I. Pianissimo



SC276: Il Pianissimo.

Bucephalus: Nah. Me Claudius.

Crazy56U: Oh God, not one of these guys, with their fancy music terms...

MrSing: ~sta nfronte a te!~



Here a pony was, a pegasus was she.



Waterpear: oh god everything is yoda what did I do to deserve this

CaptainPipsqueak: The fuck up you shall shut.

Bucephalus: If this feels bad, just imagine if it was Jar Jar Speak.

Crazy56U: ...I already hate this…

JofY: But she was not the pony, for only the pony was a pegasus, but only the pegasus

could only be a she.



She existed, and alone she did exist not.



Scarlet: “Don’t act so surprised, Zorin. I am everywhere, and I am nowhere!”

Crazy56U: ...so, she’s suffering from McFly Syndrome? Is she flickering in and out of existence due to paradoxes?

MrSing: Is this whole thing written in empty platitudes?

JofY: Calm down. It’s just a dig at an anti-social life.



At all times, somepony was there, at most a leg-and-a-hoof's length away. The city. Gleaming sat a white castle, which dominated keeping everything else dominated,



Waterpear: Keeping things dominated is generally what things that dominate do.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, it never hurts to restate that.

Crazy56U: This is a weird adaptation of “Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle”...



and it was always busy, unavoidably so, performing actions the Princess deemed necessary. One more worker was all she was in the hive of a glistening empire. By the Princess the sun was raised, and upon its repositioning began the day.



Scarlet: Through discombobulation did the text communicate information about the setting.

SC276: And it did so very poorly.

Crazy56U: That… was confusing...



Awoke Sunpraiser



Crazy56U: That pony’s parents must fucking hate them…

JofY: What? Did they think Luna was best pony?



as began the day did, the fragments of a dissipating dream disappearing from her mind, pretty it had been, and not did she wish to forget it, but such was the way of dreams, a fate inescapable.



Scarlet: “Much like the creative writing class I am writing this to get extra credit in.”

SC276: Please, for a creative writing class, this would be a required assignment. Like the time I wrote a poem about a town of stuffed animals entirely in limericks.

Crazy56U: Thank you for explaining how dreams work. Can we have a point to this story now, please?



A dream of what, she no longer knew, lost was it already.



Crazy56U: Little did she know, it was a dream of a better written story………

Topher: *brandishing a pistol* ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!

Crazy56U: (winces, grabs ear) Dude, indoor voices, k, thanks.

Topher: NO



Fixate on it, she must not, herself reminded she.



SC276: Y’know, the whole “iambic pentameter” thing would work better if it was split into actual lines.

Crazy56U: I am all but tempted to just up and abandon this riff…

Topher: I mean, bad grammar and spelling is one thing, I can deal with that, but this is just dumb, and the author clearly has enough of a grasp of English for this to be deliberate.



Out of her bed climb she did, taking care to disturb not the bunk below hers and the reclining pony that within it could be found.



Scarlet: And down she did climb the stairs, I presume.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then breakfast she did have. Waffles they were.

Crazy56U: She woke up at 7AM, making sure she was fresh as she went down stairs. She gotta have a bowl. Gotta have cereal.

CaptainPipsqueak: Fuck that, man. Waffles. With fruit and whipped cream.

Topher: *shoots Crazy in the head* WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT SONG.

Crazy56U: (grabs head in pain) W-what’s that? Link another Friday song? Okay!



Started later was the day for that pony; her job was during the night. Her friend that pony was, she was of the name Twilight, her repetition was counted at 127.



Scarlet: We’re only a few paragraphs in and I want to beat this prose gimmick to death with a blunt object already.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hell, I’m starting to smell sounds.

SC276: I’m pretty sure your repetition is much higher, story.

Bucephalus: *twitches feebly on the ground* The grammar… the yoda speak… someone just end it...

Crazy56U: ...bye. (leaves)



It was a popular name, fit for a princess it was and dream near everypony did of a princess being, stifled by reality though those dreams were.



Scarlet: “The remainder of the populace dreamed of being robots.”

SC276: So, wait, is this Twilight Sparkle, or…?

Topher: No, it’s Twilight Sparkle stand-in #24598.

JofY: Ah, I see the writer got the subtlety sledgehammer.



The private bedroom shared by these two was departed from by her, but not without affixing her saddlebags to her flank, covering her proof of talent, a symbol of the sun which she must praise, trust, and possessing the importance of the highest degree, obey; her compliance the fragile peace was kept alive by. Into the residential dwelling's common room went she.



Scarlet: “Shakespearean.” You bastards lied to me. This isn’t Elizabethan, it’s written entirely in Yoda!

Bucephalus: Why not take the both of best worlds and read William Shakespeare’s Star Wars? Or do the reverse and read the crappy MLP Fanfic written by Yoda to emulate Shakespeare?



A trio of other duos lived here, and they all shared this room. Awake none of the others were. Alone was she always in the morning.



SC276: Always was putting “A” words at the beginning of her sentences.

Bucephalus: Asinine, this fanfic is.



Stark was the room, just like every other room in the residential district, just five doors, one on each of the walls, each distinguished by a symbol, except in the case of the unadorned door to the outside, a table at which she was sitting,



Scarlet: a wall of unbroken text continuing for far too long,



and a mechanical cold cabinet in which food was stored.

A mandatory meal she quickly ate, despite feeling no hunger.



JofY: You know those times when you have lunch even though you aren’t feeling hungry? that’s the government.



It was mandatory,



SC276: We know, author, you just said that.

CaptainPisqeak: Maybe it’s mandatory that it be said twice?

Topher: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH MAKE IT STOP!



and disobey her Princess' word dare to she did not -- Citizens fuel the empire, and food fuels the citizens.



SC276: Are you telling me Equestria’s turned into the Soviet Union? ~The food on your plate / now belongs to the State…~

Bucephalus: Dangit. Reading 1984 is bad enough in school. Reading it on my free time? Someone tell me how long I have left in this purgatory so I can get it out of the way.



II. Piano



Scarlet: Are we seriously doing this? Music dynamics? The hell do they have to do with this?

CaptainPipsqueak: ...she says, as though there will be a logical answer…

Bucephalus: Sing us a song for the piano man~ Cause we’re in the mood for a melody~



Beyond the walls of her house she soon went, heading onwards towards her workplace. It was the management of the Bureau of Acceptance in which she was employed, despite her age being one of relative youth.



Scarlet: Am I reading a non-Chatoyance TCB fic? Because I have a standing policy of nope.

Bucephalus: 1984. I refuse to take a step further until someone disproves me.



All the rules did she follow, except one, and her secret being found out she did forever dread. It was a break unseen, unsensed, as act upon it did she not.



JofY: She, was a teenage young adult with little to no personality chosen for greatness by a prophecy.



She had seen the cost of action and kept it instead purely to the dominion of dreams. Interloped upon her mind was not, of a fear of disrupting its desirable eccentricities.



Scarlet: “Such as this delightfully whimsical and not at all distracting way of sentence arrangement.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It’s not annoying, it’s ‘artistic.’ You just don’t get it, dude.”

Topher: Stylistic suck STILL SUCKS.



She had a talent, though her "special" one was it not, of finding those who foolishly engorged themselves with worldly pleasures instead of helping the empire.



Scarlet: Oh great. We’re in a TyrantPone fic. Can I go back to when this sounded like it might be TCB?

SC276: Soviet Russia!Equestria, I freakin’ called it.

Bucephalus: I wish you guys could not predict what terrible plot we’re in.

Scarlet: Usually if we’re wrong it’s because things go a layer of stupid deeper.

Topher: In Soviet Russia, fic riff you! There, we got that obligation out of the way.



Matter not did it the vice, find it she could always manage to. Nonreproductive sex -- Fornication is not recreation!



Scarlet: “Give service to thy brothers within the community before the inhabitants of a brothel! Before the hoes doth come the bros!”

SC276: Great, Equestria has sex police now, and it’s being run by a sunbutt.

Bucephalus: Well… If that’s a rule, I know where I’m not taking a vacation.

JofY: Oh, hell. This religious?



Smoking -- Pointless poisoning of the person!



Scarlet: Alliteration- Aimless Ambling Attempts at Amusement!

SC276: Do you hear someone headdesking in the distance?

Bucephalus: War is peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is strength. 2 + 2 = 5! Big Brother’s always watching!

Topher: Of course he’s watching! He’s been a big fan of our work since 1984.



These were her domains frequent-most. Although with the material



SC276: And the double-spaces.



also produced by her Bureau, based on the Princess' words, these desires had been well-suppressed increasingly well as of late.



JofY: “Oh, god. This chocolate is terrible.”

“You heard her! BAN ALL CHOCOLATE!”



Possessing nearly noponies to punish pleased the Princess.



Scarlet: Yay.

CaptainPipsqueak: If he don’stop with dat ‘literatism, I’mma cut a bitch...



Arrive she did at the building that housed the Bureau; the gleaming, ancient castle where once had lived ancient princesses, dominating over an empire of far less significance.



SC276: The Bureau for making sure worldly pleasures don’t go overboard is located in the Castle of the Two Sisters? Y’know, in the middle of the Everfree?

Topher: [Celestia] “It’s there for the best reasons! IRONIC REASONS!”



Housed it did her sole temptation as well. A fellow worker, a desired lover, but an unattainable one.



Scarlet: Out of your league, she was?



For there was no viability of offspring.



Scarlet: Homophobia. Yay.



A close friendship she did settle for instead. Once inside the building, she wandered through the old-fashioned, pointlessly elaborate corridors until her office she did reach.



Topher: Oh, you hate “Old fashioned, pointlessly elaborate” things, do you? Then WHY DO YOU INSIST ON WRITING LIKE THIS?!



Today there was quite the mountain of paperwork, reports of much possible illegal activity to investigate.



Scarlet: This is the most exciting story ever written. Oh my god.

CaptainPipsqueak: You mean ‘excruciating’, right?

Waterpear: Rearranging these sentences worthwhile is not. Not, I say!

Bucephalus: I went and anagrammed your sentence, Cap. A Right Yucca Meringue Toxin… Makes about as much sense as this story.



She called for her assistant, the dear friend aforementioned to work here,



SC276: She’s crushing on her help, yeah, that just makes it worse.



and gazed her assistant almost, but not quite affectionately. Good mornings and other pleasantries were exchanged before remembering her intent with the call.



Scarlet: “The Booty.”

CaptainPipsqueak: tay. Boo-tay.



It was not one of friendship; it was one of necessity.



SC276: Given the kingdom has thrown off “worldly pleasures,” I would suspect that’s most intents these days.



Coffee was needed to start her workday properly: a common vice, but one not of significant importance for a proclamation prohibiting it by the Princess.



SC276: I don’t understand coffee at all. If you need to wake up and get some energy, drink some Gatorade or something.

Scarlet: Tea-drinking master race!

Topher: HELL YEAH! *raises a mug of earl grey*



III. Forte



Waterpear: I’d prefer Silencio henceforth.

SC276: Whoever spaced these chapters has their work cut out for them. Unless these were all posted in the same “chapter,” in which case, the author is an idiot.

Bucephalus: One word: Ritardando.



Newly-delivered hot coffee in hoof, she started to read.



JofY: ‘Waring, Coffee may be hot.”



The first case: a charge of adultery. It was rare, and tended to break a community's harmony. She understood as to why her opinion was required, tricky this case was.



Scarlet: It required refusing to present crucial evidence until the last moment, which is kinda BS but oh well.

Bucephalus: I’m confused. Have we ruled out the possibility of our protagonist being a gay, commie yoda yet?



While the law that it did break was clear, unclear was its actual existence.



SC276: So wait, it’s not clear the law exists, or…?

Bucephalus: To quote 1984, “This was not illegal (nothing was illegal, since there were no longer any laws), but if detected it was reasonably certain that it would be punished by death, or at least by twenty-five years in a forced-labour camp." Effectively, we’re reading about what happens when you get Faust as Big Brother.



Bringing the charge to court formally, as the standard procedure was, could ruin the life of an innocent if not handled well. Proceeded she did anyway, having the case sent to court.



Scarlet: Ruining innocent lives, her concern was not.

Bucephalus: At this point, do you even care?



At this time, this early in the morning, care she did not of the lives she might ruin.



JofY: I’m sorry, but, are we supposed to care in any way?



It was not immoral -- All's fair in love and pursuit of Harmony.



JofY: Like sex out of wedlo-... Like having a ciga-... Uhhh…..



(That slogan was admittedly among the least catchy, and was an eternal disappointment to the Bureau.)



Scarlet: Foul! Breaking with the text gimmick! Twenty-five paragraph penalty, still third chapter!

Bucephalus: No, you fool! Don’t give it more paragraphs! Make the penalty taking away paragraphs, not adding them!

Scarlet: Did I ever specify whether we were adding them? I think not! Oh ye of little faith.



Authorize many difficult cases she did, her available legal staff was decimated within hours.



SC276: So… she’s a prosecutor?

JofY: “Oh no! A case! PANIC!”

Topher: The plot of Pulp Fiction in a nutshell.



Eventually, it was time for a lunch break. She went to the archaically styled dining-hall, ate a bland meal quickly, out of hunger this time, and slept. The coffee had not been of much help; her tolerance had grown greater.



Scarlet: As my tolerance, unfortunately, shrinks.

SC276: I’m as tolerant as a sack of hammers to the face.

Bucephalus: Guys, I think I’m gonna be comatose after this. Bury me somewhere pretty.



Did she dream? Not even she could tell. But the better it was that way.



SC276: Dare to dream, sister.



Upon the conclusion of her break, and her rest, she returned to work. The mountain of paperwork she had had she had whittled down to just a handful of cases before the break. Her leave could prematurely be embarked upon if she managed to deal with these.



Scarlet: Ooh, do I get to go home early if I finish this fic then?

SC276: That and, what, two fics after it? I don’t know.

CaptainPipsqueak: I used to have thoughts like that until I realized that I was already home.



IV. Fortissimo



SC276: And then suddenly giants. Cookie to anyone who gets that reference.



Case the first was an erroneous conviction. Easily was it resolved by her. Her efficiency was admirable. It was decided that the conviction would not be overturned, or rather that no attempt to overturn it would be made, a difference on a purely technical level.



JofY: Ah, so she’s efficient in not giving a shit.



A pony would be punished for crimes they did not commit , but…



Scarlet: Shit, did whoever keeps shooting at me take out the narrator? Thank you!

Topher: You’re welcome! Wait, Shit. *Hides gun behind back*



...It didn't really matter, did it?



Scarlet: Never mind, you rat-bastard.



An attempt to overturn was a pointless artifact of the ancient days where "Friendship" ruled; justice was not important these days. Her available lawyers were down to two, after all.



Scarlet: Uh. No. What. The court system in our world is overburdened and yet it still functions what.

SC276: We will use not-friendship in the future.

Bucephalus: “Sir, I plead that the commie ponies are not evil. They just have a habit of putting anyone who doesn’t obey to sleep… That sounds bad, doesn't it?”



Case the second



SC276: Book the third, Game the first. Who wrote this, Lemony Snicket?

Bucephalus: Wouldn’t Snicket’s version have a thirty page backstory on the coffee she’s drinking? Actually, that sounds far more interesting. One of you go to your keyboard and get writing.



was a murder, something rare, a perverted execution of purely one sided desires. Inharmonious it was. A plea of guilt it was as well, she felt no need to waste any time on this. She had the case bypass the courts (an action that required much additional paperwork); the punishment would be the same this way as it would be if a real trial had been had.



Scarlet: Do we have a point we’re working toward? I hope we have a point we’re working toward.



Case the final was one she had expected not!



SC276: Expecto notronum!

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God, I think I’m having an absence seizure…

JofY: Ack! Narrative emotion!



It was alarming, and in truth, not a case in the least! A case against herself, laced not to evaluate, but to gloat. A betrayal! Of her own assistant!



SC276: So, a civil case where the assistant is suing her boss? Over what, exactly?

CaptainPipsqueak: Magical reasons.



A case of ill intent towards the Princess, a crime otherwise known as attempted conspiracy. A false case, but how close her betrayer was would skew the court towards the claim's truth.



Scarlet: Oh no. She was hoisted on her own petard and ironically dealt with in the same way she dealt with others. wooooo.

CaptainPipsqueak: Where is the petard even located? That sounds kind of painful.

SC276: I’ve lost track. I can tell this is supposed to be important, but for the life of me, I have no idea what’s happening.

JofY: Uh… The paper she picked up was the office gossip?



It had already been approved, directly by the Princess herself -- At the end of the day, you will be discharged and taken into custody.



Scarlet: “Make sure you refill the printer on your way out, it’s a pain in the ass for everyone else in the office if you don’t.”

CaptainPipsqueak: And be careful with the cartridges - that ink stains like a bitch.



Her career was at an end!



JofY: What cruel thing had she done to deserve such a fate, to be discarded by others who could easily help. Who would be so cruel to do that!?



It was over for her, taken down by an unknown internal rivalry. She did not regret this, she knew that something of this sort was inevitable; she only thought about how much paperwork it would be for her successor.



Scarlet: Man I kind of wish this story hadn’t gone with such a ridiculous text gimmick because that line’s kind of poignant. And funny.

SC276: And now I can’t tell if it’s the boss or the assistant that’s going to be arrested.



Waited she did for the end of the day. When it came, she was prepared. Everything was in order, prepared for her successor. Arriving in her office were two guards, who took her away without a struggle.



Waterpear: This story is less of a majestic, brooding classical piece and more like “skull trumpet 10 hours.” (doot doot)

SC276: Oh OK, so it’s the boss getting arrested for… treason or something? Oh my fucking god, Shakespeare was clearer than this.

Bucephalus: I’d say Shakespeare’s clearer than most writers we riff. At least it’s clear in his stuff that Romeo’s an idiot who doesn’t check for pulses.



V. Decrescendo --> Pianissimo

Here was not a pony, not any longer.



SC276: Nor is there a coherent plot.

Bucephalus: Nor had there ever been.



The castle gleamed in the fading sunset, as the Princess began to raise the moon, the symbol of the day's conclusion. Away from the city, in the town, in the house of crystal, sat the Princess. She smiled to herself and uttered a few final words.



Scarlet: “That was utterly ridiculous.”



Another perfect day.



JofY: We hope you’ve enjoyed no moral theater.



RingmasterJ5: Now, remember that bit about “comparison” I mentioned at the top of the last one?

Fallen Prime: No, I don’t. My brain’s been fried and irreversibly tinted purple.

CaptainPipsqueak: Grape purple, or brurple?

RingmasterJ5: Well, I brought it up because that fic’s basically the exact opposite style as this next one, something evident just by looking at its author, apple short. ...Yeah, I’ll let Fallen take it from here.

Fallen Prime: Oh, the history with this guy. He was a big figure on the badfic scene way back when the Train Wreck Explorers were still a thing for those four glorious months in 2012. Massive troll, that was pretty readily apparent, and his best-known fic was “The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis,” which I myself did a solo riff of (while making a sad attempt to maintain apple short’s “cover”). It’s an unholy mess of Gary Stu overpowered super-sexing shenanigans that must be seen to be believed, and it is truly a work of trolling art. What we’ve got here, while not that story, is another one of apple short’s works.

RingmasterJ5: So, without further ado, “Changing The ColorOf Apples” by apple short and submitted by ZealousChristian24. And yes, that typo is in the actual title as well.

Sigma: I hate you guys so much right now.

SC276: Oh my god, I actually remembered that fic name. This is going to suck.

Crazy56U: (comes back) Okay, so, what did I- oh dear.

Topher: Oh goody! Appleshort! this guy is comedy gold!



Chapter 1



Suddenly applejack was farming.



Fallen Prime: Surprise...?

CaptainPipsqueak: What was Applejack doing all this time?

SC276: One second she was in her room… um, looking over her photo album, and the next second, BAM, out in the field!

Crazy56U: Well, at least this isn’t during “Magical Mystery Cure”...

Bucephalus: As opposed to… doing cupcakes?



It hit her with amazing creativeness and supreme recognition



SC276: I require your assistance in a matter of the utmost importance.

Crazy56U: Except this was farming, so she’s exaggerating the fuck out of it.



that she hated the color red because blue seemed to be much better when she gazed at it with intense furry.



Scarlet: Shit! The furry intensity is too much! It’s going to explode into spontaneous dramatic readings of Redwall books and Ironclaw sessions! Hit the deck!

CaptainPipsqueak: Christ, furries ruin everything.

Sigma: Especially the Christ-y Furries.

Crazy56U: Applejack is a furry, confirmed. ...I want to eat glass now…

Bucephalus: *twitches* They’re everywhere….

SC276: Given logistics, I find your reactions hilarious.

Scarlet: Agreed. Oh so agreed~



Her brows rose and she eyed the apples in her hands



SC276: You mean her hooves? Or did we wander into anthro territory again?

Crazy56U: ...this is an Equestria Girls fic, isn’t it…

Topher: Nope, just Appleshort.



and sighed with her eyes closed to tears and her body shook with intense pain and upsetting and deep despair of the worst kind.



Scarlet: ...Apple Picking Beam now makes perfect sense.

SC276: Given the chance, I would’ve bathed the whole world in this glorious feeling!

Crazy56U: Why are you farming apples, then, if it upsets you so?

CaptainPipsqueak: She’s a masochist. Pain is pleasure. Hatred is love.

JofY: Yes, something isn’t your favorite color. Your life is hell.



Only because ast .



Crazy56U: Oh, so she’s upset because of ast, now everything makes sense… (pulls out a bucket of glass shards) (begins eating)

Topher: Can I get some of that?



“well howdy this sucks!” She screamed with maliscoius excitement



Waterpear: Maliscoius? Perhaps you meant Malus coronaria, the sweet crabapple?

CaptainPipsqueak: No man; it’s like a cross between ‘malicious’ and ‘delicious’.

SC276: That’s me Lucky Charms, they’re maliciously delicious!

Crazy56U: Why are you “excited” if you are upset?!?!



and threw the apples at the tree and bucked the air with both back feet.



Scarlet: And succeeded in accomplishing nothing?

CaptainPipsqueak: Are you blind? She kicked the shit out of that fruit fly!

Crazy56U: Did Applejack just have a stroke, the fuck?!



Spike who was nearby because he was kicked out of rarity



Scarlet: Ew, he’s like, twelve! At most!

CaptainPipsqueak: Should...should we be reading this?

SC276: So she threw him up, or…?

Crazy56U: ... (pickets bucket back up) (continues to eat glass shards)

JofY: What was Rarity even doing there?



for being an asshole and beating the shit out of the angle bunny roared.



CaptainPipsqueak: Angular lagomorph for the win!

SC276: Talk about finding a new angle.

Crazy56U: Nothing about that sentence makes any sense.

Bucephalus: For once, I’m siding with Angel. Gah! What is this fanfic doing to me?



“What the heck?”



Crazy56U: I AGREE



He stuck his tongue out with flames that triangled out in red and his fists clenched with precise annoyed wrath.



SC276: No, precise annoyed wrath is what we have. You are just confusingly infuriating.

Crazy56U: How can you have precise wrath?! HOW?! (downs the rest of the bucket) ...that was a mistake… (coughs up blood) ...yep. (falls over, dies)

SC276: Is there a doctor in the house?

Scarlet: Eh, just wait a riff. He’ll be fine.

CaptainPipsqueak: A little silicone never hurt anyone.

Topher: I’m on it. *douses Crazy in gasoline, sets the body on fire*



Smoke piled upon him and he cried immensely and loudly. “You stupid butthole you plugged me with the stupid red apples!”



Scarlet: “You stupid butthole” indeed.

CaptainPipsqueak: She… plugged his butthole with apples?

Bucephalus: Guys, I regret joining you for this. Bring back Xblade, please, I beg of you!



He bit into one. His chin and teeth gnashing it to tiny red bits of food.



JofY: And then that red became blood!





That would soon be disassembled into his smokey ears and nose holes to become his wretched flame.



Scarlet: I’m not sure why you guys thought we should make jokes about this story. The prose does that just fine on its own.

SC276: Please, Scar, give us some credit. We have more sophisticated comedy than this.

JofY: THEN WHERE IS IT!?

Topher: *farts loudly*



“Well im sorry but these apples have pissed me off spike ok yall.”



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, the dragon’s full name is Spike Ok Yall.

Bucephalus: No, it’s spike ok yall. The bad grammar is key.



applejack sipped the cider. She sat down and cried with heaving plot and deep breasted sorrow.



SC276: The plot is heaving?

Bucephalus: It’s already in its death throes! Nobody get the defibrillator.

CapainPipsqueak: No problem there. Fluttershy is embracing the defibrillator and weeping softly. I think she may have issues.



Spike watched her depressed body and licked his lips as seductively as he could.



JofY:...Damn it! Did you get us another clop?



“It is ok because i am here for you.” She sobbed but did not stop him from being there.



Scarlet: Because she couldn’t quite muster enough power to buck him out of existence.



“I just like the color blue so much yall.” She wept with immense fear of tearing and she covered her face with one hoof and rubbed her pony neck with the other.



SC276: As opposed to her manticore neck.

Bucephalus: … I got nothing. That was the most stupid line I’ve ever seen in fanfic history. Nothing can top ‘I just like the color blue so much yall.’ Nothing.



Because spike had got to her.

“I will help you change there stupid color!” his tongue became long like and he slid it in and out of her ears and against her mane and against her eyes.



Scarlet: Wow, did that creepiness award change stories fast!

CaptainPipsqueak: Allow me to ask again: Should we be here?

Bucephalus: *Sirens begin to wail* Abandon ship! This fanfic is making Xblade look norma;! Jump ship! Save yourself!

JofY: *Jumps out of window.*

Topher: PREPARE THE POPCORN BOYS, THIS IS GONNA BE GOD!



“Twilight taught me to magic things and make them cool because I am destined for being amazing.”



SC276: Oh this is gonna suck.

Bucephalus: Spike… have you even been paying attention to the episodes dedicated to you?



He sparkled like the sky with a billion stars and Celests mane all rolled into one. He was super needy because rarity had cut him off and he squeezed her with sexy prowess.



Scarlet: A Gift which he had taken at character creation, along with its companion Gift “sexy proficiency”.

SC276: Well this just took a hard right into what-the-fuck-ville.

Bucephalus: No, even they wouldn't take it. They sent it straight to Tartarus, they hated it so much.



His tongue filtered between her horse mane hair and he squeeled with exceptional pleasure. “We have to be together like Martin Willis though to charge my mage powers.”



Waterpear: This is a trollfic where Spike is a wizard who uses sex magic to change the color of apples. It is already more interesting than the Yoda-esque story about...something totalitarian.

Scarlet: I think the moral of the last one was “Don’t forget to drink your coffee.”

CaptainPipsqueak: ...or how to word proper-like.

Bucephalus: I will also give this fic the award for funniest line compared to how bad the rest of the fic is.

Topher: Oh god, there’s a Willisverse canon?



“Well I guess that can’t be helped then ponyhowdy.” She said it to seem coy and flirting in appearance but deep. Down spike had turned her into a roaring stallion of the most viral and pleasure seeking.



Scarlet: Ah, the Big Mac/GaoGaiGar crossover that I never realized I needed until now!

Waterpear: You know, apple short invented a new type of purple prose. He’s playing a persona of a god damn moron, but such a person wouldn’t know the word “virile,” not even to confuse it with “viral.”

CaptainPipsqueak: No, it’s not a mis-spell. Applejack has crabs.

SC276: Why is Applejack a roaring stallion? Does she have a mismatching gender identity now or something?

CatainPipsqueak: And crabs.



“we should probably hurry though so I dont harvest all the apples before they change color.” She drank the cider.



SC276: Where is she even getting cider from anyway?

CaptainPipsqueak: Consider the color of cider.



“Yeah.” Spike quited with unbelievable accuracy and lifted his tongue to her lips. “Kiss me then we will make love.”



SC276: I don’t think whatever’s about to happen is going to be love.

Bucephalus: *tries to shoot self* Who removed the bullets? Scarlet, was it you?

Scarlet: If I must suffer, we all must suffer.

Topher: Which is why I took the bullets from your pocket, Scarlet! *Shoots Bruce in the kneecap*



applejack blushed to the color of apples all over her skin and opened her mouth so they could make out.



Scarlet: Spike took the opportunity to swallow her tongue whole and devour it.

Bucephalus: You just turned Spike into Nicodemus. I am okay with that.



Then spike made love to her.



Scarlet: It’s okay guys. They didn’t fuck, Spike’s still young enough to think that making valentine’s cards together counts as “making love.”



“Ya that feels so good.” He licked her mane and tail to taste her secretly to become empored with feeling.

“SHUCKS SPIKE THAT IS SO BUCKING GOOD!” Applejack screamed with pleasure to spite.



CaptainPipsqueak: I’m starting to feel my pleasure being spited as well.

SC276: I’m kinda just at my happy place right now and not really paying attention.

Bucephalus: BRB, going to talk with the devil and ask him whether he thought this through before getting someone to write it.



Let her sexy straw hair down and spike became inside of her and they were happy.



Scarlet: And Scarlet’s lunch suddenly became outside Scarlet’s body.



Suddenly winona.



Scarlet: ~Is standing beside you/Suddenly Winona/Is holding your hand!~

CaptainPipsqueak: I think the term “Suddenly winona” could fix any bad situation.

SC276: Suddenly, pineapples.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pineapples aren’t cuddly. Unless you’re doing something really wrong with them.



She was so pleased. And barked in dog speak that ponys and dragons know.



SC276: Somehow.

Bucephalus: [Winona] I’ve had this ability for what, five seasons, and you’ve never acknowledged my great ideas? Didn’t I give the idea for those cool purple costumes? And for the dragon code?



She wanted to join and help the farm become a better colored place than red and she had decided that she would cheer them on and that way the farm could have rare blue apples and become the coolest apple farm in all of ponyville and aqestria’



Scarlet: Not to be confused with Equestria. Playsets now available from reliable Hasbro bootleggers everywhere!

SC276: Why does the dog want in on the sex?

CaptainPipsqueak: Why wouldn’t she? I’m not sorry I asked that, by the way. Fuck y’all.

Bucephalus: Same to you pal, same to you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh shush; you love me for it.

Scarlet: No. As a matter of fact, I don’t.

CaptainPipsqueak: Just wait for the drugs to kick in.



to the point that even twilight would be jealous of the might that spike produced with his love magic and understanding of deep points of pony skills.



Scarlet: I told the game host that letting Spike invest that many extra marks at character creation would lead to some hard feelings across the table, but noooo.



So spike let winona be. Winona licked applejacks face. And spike lifting his feet with extra care to be beside applejack one last time in quietness. they all had the greatest of marvelous sociable love and spike was fulfilled to laugh at rarity having cut him off for defeating the tyranny of her stupid pet angel.



Scarlet: Her angel was named Zakiel, and had fallen from grace aeons ago.

SC276: So the whole stupidity thing is a ruse, right? Well, I’m buying the whole thing based on getting the pets mixed up.



“Now I will cast the stupid fing spell.”



SC276: Ya effin’ bastard.

Bucephalus: Not sure if the title is referring to Spike’s feelings about it, or the spell's actual effect.



He screeched beyond loudness raising his neck so that his flame made him turn from purple to orange like applejack and she blushed. “apples beish blueicus.” He spit fire so high it reached the sun and celest saw it from canterlot.



Scarlet: And for good measure, he belched some smoke across the water to go with it.

Waterpear: “Some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground”

SC276: What’s the Ultimate Gambler doing here?



Then all the apples became the color of red to the color blue.

“Heck yeah spike.” applejack beamed with immense pride and sipped the cider. “This is so awesome yall.” She eyed the now blue apples with acceptance and was pleased with him to the point they all made love once more in ecstatic celebration at their fantastic deed of saving the dullness of SWEET APPLE ACRES.



Scarlet: They synthesized it under laboratory conditions, using the latest modern equipment.

SC276: The apples turned blue and they had sex again. I’m so out of evens I’ve resorted to spending odds now.



Spike cried a little though because martin wasnt there to cheer and help. he knew that martin was busy and the most special pony ever though and could not always be there with spike around.



SC276: Oh right, this thing has continuity with that thing.



So he forgave him and with a laugh that tickled his heart to dark twisted desire.



Scarlet: Aaand Spike’s betraying the party. Told you, Game Host!



He lifted a claw and crushing it to a fist. Proclaimed. “I will write the actions of my deeds to share with him. because we are fing bros.”



SC276: Super Fing Bros, the lamest ripoff of Super Mario Bros ever conceived.

Bucephaus: [Spike] Now I will play you the fing song of my people. Followed by the fing meal of my people.



And Applejack didnt mind because she was so pleased with the color of the apples and being together with Spike. Applejack sipped the cider.



SC276: Where is this cider coming from?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Again, consider cider’s color.

Bucephalus: [Cthulhu] I bestow upon you, Spike, the power of unlimited cider. Drive those riffers mad!



It was another great day in ponyville working hard and being friends with everyone like spike.



Scarlet: And only people who were like Spike. Those who differed were shunned.

CaptainPipsqueak: So...everyone, then?

SC276: It was a beautiful, sunny day.

Bucephalus: Look, he’s got a community of loser friends.



Spike grinned to ecstacy and laughed rolling his tongue like magic. “it was good to be with applejack.” he wrote last to his self letter and sighed.

Granny Smith nodded. “Sometimes we are like the apples and we are red. We wish to be the color blue. But we cannot change the color of ourselves to be for the happiness we desire. Instead we must allow someone with powerful magic to change us and make us what we should have been. Only then can we be happy with what our color should be all along but wasnt.”



Waterpear: You know, it’s hard enough to riff a trollfic as it is. When the trollfic is self-deconstructing, I have virtually nothing to work with.

Scarlet: The moral of this fanfic is apparently “trust in Jesus”. Who was this written by, the Insane Clown Posse?

SC276: Doesn’t using properly-constructed sentences break troll kayfabe?

Bucephalus: I always figured that my love of red was cause I liked blood, fire and all that fun war stuff. Does it really mean that I am a terrible person who doesn’t like the one true color? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!



Spike glowed in pride at being called a mage and gave the thumbs up sign to granny smith.



CaptainPipsqueak: So...she raised a hoof?



Applejack sipped the cider and nodded. It was all good.



Chapter 2



SC276: Oh god there’s MORE.

Bucephalus: It’s like we’re tripping over more and more horrible chapter- Oh wait. That was the parasprites. *Shot in the head*



Then everything became a wonder of the most unshocked bewilderement. "Ihave come to see what i can show you my friends because their is a problem here with your farm and it will bring you down!"



SC276: ...Come again?

CaptainPipsqueak: In a minute.

Sigma: Please don’t.

Bucephalus: ERROR MESSAGE: 084 072 073 083 032 083 084 079 082 089 032 077 065 075 069 083 032 078 079 032 076 079 071 073 067 065 076 032 083 069 078 083 069 046 032 083 079 077 069 066 079 068 089 032 080 076 069 065 083 069 032 083 072 079 079 084 032 077 069 046



There was a magic voice and Applejack could tell that just from its screeched anguish of believable mass understanding that it meant serious issue with them all.



Scarlet: Oh look! It’s the fimfic reader community!



"Yall i think we are in a horrible state of badness!"



SC276: Fawful, get out of the fic!

Bucephalus: I have no words. We have crossed over into the dimension of stupidity.



Spike squeezed her once and planted a lip upon her heavy hearted chest and weaved an ok speech with his tongue. "We can weather it because i am a dragon."



SC276: Whether, whether, whether, whether, whether you like it or not.



applejack nodded but still kept a little reserve of deep seated fear that trembled her in squeshy excitement.



Scarlet: Ew.



"THERE IS GOING TO BE SEVER MISCALCULATIONS IF YOU DO NOT MAKE THE LOVE TO SPIKE RIGHT NOW!"



CaptainPipsqueak: AND I DARE YOU TO GUESS WHAT WILL BE SEVERED!

Bucephalus: *twitches* Cap, shoot me and end it for me.



the voice boomed with the authority of love driven by its wisdom and granny smith gave the thumbs up sign for it to be a true non speaker of the past.



Scarlet: Lacking thumbs, her attempt ended in failure.

SC276: So are they going to fuck because the big booming voice told them to, or is my brain still broken?

CaptainPipsqueak: I think it’s okay if it’s both.

Bucephalus: Kent, this is Jesus. … You can skip a dozen pages if you tell me where that’s from.



So spike smacked applejack down and they made it all the way with the most fruity abundance.

suddenly it was all black. And they were in FREAKING agreement of the situation. they were in a blinking pony eye.



Scarlet: I was only a few paragraphs into chapter two when the drugs began to take effect.

SC276: Oh my god, more people literally describing visual tropes again. His specter will never stop haunting us…!



Spike looked through to the glass and sighed with a most realized chest that fulfilled its satisfied loneliness with misdirected nguish.



CaptainPipsqueak: Without the ‘A’ to lead it, the poor thing couldn’t cross a street without getting lost.



"We are truly stuck within the eye of another."



SC276: No, that’s just the author sucking. And failing at it.

Bucephalus: [Applejack] Ow. Dragon spikes are painful when they get in your eyes.



"YES." Granny smith whispered with the ways of the old



SC276: Also, she said something about R'lyeh.

Bucephalus: Ia, ia, Cthulhu fhtagn.



and licked her tongue feebly. sometimes we are trapped in this world of miscreated guidleins when in fact it is the most of us that can do. This world we know is fake but to us it is real so it is not fake.



SC276: A believable lie might as well be the truth. Thankfully, everything about this fic is unbelieveable.



We are the eye of what we behold and we are to be beholded by the eye that is around us.



Scarlet: Morals so far- Always Trust Jesus and Beware the Eye of Sauron.



To see outside through to the world is not within our knowledge to be achieved at ease! We are to be directed to the understanding that we fortell. Even being in the eye of another tiny pony somewhere does not mean we are meaningless because until she blinks we are real. So live the world you know and exist in love." she fell asleep.



Scarlet: Yeah, man.

SC276: I probably would be too if I wasn’t so freakin’ confused.



(Also i added a better accepted moral since the last one was tragically misrevealed to be not quite loved.)



SC276: No, that’s not because of the moral, that’s because this story makes no fucking sense.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s a troll story - by definition they make no sense.



Applejack sipped the cider and plot bumped her granny with the most real inversion of acceptance. "We are indeed to be making love for happiness." With magnitude of happy brief all thre of them thumbs up each other.



Scarlet: They had constructed thumbs specifically for the occasion.



So spike and her created applesauce with their great love of diligence. squishing the apples between themselves and allowing the slickness of scrunch it created to become a fulfilling sight within their breif moment of belief that carried a role of the world in the blinking pony eye of smallness.



Scarlet: And that was how Sweet Apple Acres went bankrupt!

SC276: So wait, are they making applesauce by crushing apples between their torsos? What?



(PS the tiny eye they are in is appletinis eye. Because when applejack went to everfree again the blue flower created a second applejack but small as a lol.



Waterpear: Small as the lol I am having right now.



and this world of aquestria that spike and applejack are in togertheness for brief moments to be stretched into forever with their uber soft love resides of course. In the flower joke in the world of ponyville in the everfree in appletinis eye in a blink in time.)



SC276: ...What?

Scarlet: This was a funnier and more poignant moral when Animaniacs covered it. Next!



RingmasterJ5: And now comes the point where I expect most of the commenters to abandon ship. Since, unlike the last three fics which never passed 3K, this one’s around 7K. There were a few shorter options on the list, yeah, but they were both really self-aware comedy fics that don’t really lend that well to riffing, and half of the reason we’re doing these Shuffles is to clear out some of the shorter things from the pile, so here we are.

Fallen Prime: Let’s keep self-aware comedy submissions to a minimum in the future. Our schtick is making fun of stories, and it ain’t easy to do when they’re already making fun of themselves. Not to mention the redundancy.

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. So, without further ado, the last fic of the Shuffle, “Dax’s Despair” written and submitted by Dark Angel AW.

SC276: Despair, you say? *pulls out a Monokuma*

CaptainPipsqueak: Upupupupu....



Dax’s Despair



X ~ 9 years ago ~ X



SC276: Great, we’re opening with a freakin’ flashback.

CaptainPipsqueak: They should open a story with a flashforward. Then it will already have been over.



“Push! Push! PUSH!!! PUSH!!! PUSH!!!”



SC276: “Stop pulling on the door, ya dip!”



a light blue earth pony named Nurse Tenderheart shouted as she was encouraging a pegasus mare with a white coat, a golden mane and tail, and a cutie mark of the sun shining through the clouds. The pegasus' mane was matted with sweat as she attempted to give birth.



Scarlet: She kept rolling a bit too low on the labor check.

SC276: Do we have to get the protagonist’s entire life story?



“WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME?!!!”



JofY: Pulling.



the white pegasus growled as she continued to push as hard as she could.



CaptainPipsqueak: (Nurse Tenderheart) “Well, if that’s going to be your attitude, you can just deliver this baby yourself!”



“Come on, honey. Just a little more,” a blue unicorn with a silvery gray mane and tail and a cutie mark of a pocket watch swinging back and forth said.



SC276: ...I don’t like where this is going.

Bucephalus: I’d jump ship if I were you. This is probably the Iceberg of our Titanic.



The unicorn was the pegasus' husband, “Just one more good push, Shine.”



Scarlet: This scene brought to you by literally every labor scene in fiction ever.



Shine then grabbed her husband's hoof and squeezed as she did one final push, “AAAHHHHH!!!!!” Shine shouted.

“AAAHHHHH!!!!!” the unicorn shouted in pain as his wife squeezed his hoof.



Scarlet: “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SQUEEZING ME WITH?”



Finally, after an agonizing labor, the sound of a whine coming from a foal was heard, “Congratulations,” Nurse Tenderheart said in a gentle tone, as she held up a small foal wrapped in a white blanket, “It's a filly.” Tenderheart then handed the foal to her mother.



Scarlet: Yay.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Excitement. Cigars for everyone. Even the foal.

SC276: I made it all up. *a little confetti* Surprise.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...so do I get the cigars back?



Shine lifted the blanket to see the face of their newborn foal. She had a silver coat similar to her father's mane, a white mane and tail with blue highlights, and a small silver horn, “Oh, Trance, isn't she beautiful?” Shine asked her husband.

“...My hoof...” Trance said in a meek voice as he looked at his now crushed hoof.



Scarlet: Ha! An actual joke! I had forgotten those were a thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: I guess you could say he was ‘in a Tra’...no.

SC276: Yeah, I was afraid that was where it’d go.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, I stopped myself, didn’t I?



The silver coated foal opened up her eyes and looked up at her mother. Shine was surprised at what she saw. Her left eye was sky blue like her mother's eyes. However, her right eye was silver, like her father's.



Scarlet: The mark of the goddess Mary Susan was upon her from her birth.

CaptainPipsqueak: She could fire lasers from the silver one.



“So, have you two thought of a name?” Tenderheart asked.

“Yes, we have,” Shine said, “Daxelia.”



Scarlet: And they called her name “Daxelia”, which means “pretentiously weird and exotic for the sake of exoticism.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Or ‘pronounce this however the fuck you want because I’m not helping’. Ten bucks says she becomes a Goth.

SC276: Well this can’t possibly result in a bunch of scarring teasing from her future classmates.



X ~ 5 years later ~ X



CaptainPipsqueak: Five whole years. And it felt like just two Xs, two ellipses a number and two words ago…



Shine was leaning her face against a tree and her eyes covered, “...Eight...Nine...Ten! READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!”



SC276: Ready or not, there I go! ...The wall’s still here.

Bucephalus: Ah, riffers and our running jokes. In all seriousness, that’s probably going to be there till the end of time. The ride never ends.



She called out before she started looking around the playground, apparently looking for something. She started by searching near the jungle gym.



Scarlet: Is it the plot? Are you looking for the plot? Let me help!



Shine was playing hide and seek with her daughter, Daxelia, who had just turned five today.



SC276: Um, ages are zero-index. Five years later, she should be turning four.



They were at Fillydelphia National Park. Shine knew that Daxelia wasn't hiding by the jungle Gym. In fact, she knew exactly where she was hiding. Her horn was sticking out of a bush. But she prolonged the seeking process to help play on Daxelia's ego.



Scarlet: I’ll be taking bets on which of Dax’s parents die before the third act.

SC276: Ten bucks says the mom, I have a feeling I know where her dad’s talent might be applied...



“Hmmm. I wonder where she could be,” Shine said out loud. That's when she heard a giggling coming from inside a bush. Shine continued to search around the park for her daughter until she gave Daxelia a clear shot to the tree that was 'safe'.



Scarlet: “Take the shot, Dax! Take it!”



The silver filly got out from under the bush and ran toward the tree.



SC276: Badda badda badda badda badda...



Hearing this, Shine took flight and flew toward her daughter to tag her. Daxelia had won the race to the tree. But only by a couple of seconds. Shine had still tackled her daughter just for fun.

“I won, mommy! I made it to safe before you caught me!” Daxelia said as she was laying pinned down on her back.

“Oh really now?” Shine stated as she playfully argued her daughter's claim, “Well I disagree. I think I caught you first.”



Scarlet: “And if you argue with me, you get the paddle again.”

Bucephalus: I’m going to go cry in a corner and pretend that Xblade and Kudzu haven’t ruined any lighthearted thoughts about this moment.



“Nuh-uh! I won!” Dax said with a giggle, “And that means you're it again!”

“We'll see about that,” Shine said as she put on a mock sinister smile and began to ruffle the feathers on her wings. Then she began tickling Daxelia with her wings, making her laugh uncontrollably, and squirm to try to escape.



Scarlet: *presses small, red button marked ‘d’awwww’.*

SC276: ...Did anyone else hear an explosion?

JofY: We ain’t that lucky.



“Hahaha...Please...hahahaha...stop...hahaha!” Daxelia managed to say through her laughing fit.

“Did I win then?” Shine asked as she continued her tickle torture.

“Hahaha...No...haha...me...hehehehe...win...hahaha!” was all Daxelia could say through her laughing fit.



SC276: Apparently, laughing reduces fillies to a lower grammar comprehension level.



As she continued to laugh, her horn was beginning to glow with magical energy. Then suddenly, the energy burst out in a magical explosion.



Scarlet: The end!

SC276: You know we’re not that lucky.

JofY: ...Eww.



Shine had stopped tickling Daxelia, taken by surprise by the explosion.



CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, most kids would have just accidentally peed themselves. She causes explosions.



Both her and Daxelia were covered with ash after the blast. Daxelia was now panting and exhausted. The burst of magical energy combined with her laughing fit took allot out of her.



Scarlet: The allot is a powerful, mighty beast. Having it removed would be quite exhausting.



“So...*pant*...Sorry, mo...*pant*...mommy,” Daxelia panted out an apology. This was in fact a common occurrence. Whenever Daxelia was startled or just had a build up of energy, she causes an explosion of magical energy. Her parents had gotten used to it.



Scarlet: Presumably they play hide and seek exclusively while surrounded by blast shields.

SC276: And yet she tickled the hell out of her anyway?

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s almost like she knows her days are numbered. Not that I would know, of course.



“It's okay, honey,” Shine said as she helped the filly back up, “Let's get back home and get cleaned up. It's about time that we should be getting back anyway.”

“Okay, mommy,” Daxelia said as she wobbled on her hooves. Daxelia's 'bursts' take allot of energy out of her. But she managed to regain her balance. Then they headed back to their home in the western district of Fillydelphia.



Scarlet: Wait, she was west Fillydelphia born and raised? And she’s spending most of her days on a playground? Damn it, Dark Angel!

SC276: ~Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool / and she was shootin’ some b-ball just outside the school...~



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

The western district of Fillydelphia was a rather run down area. It was not a suitable district to be raising a filly. But Shine and Trance didn't have much of a choice. It was all they could afford with their salary. Shine worked as a weather pony. But her family were known to be accident prone. Shine was nowhere near as accident prone as her cousin, Derpy Hooves.



JofY: But not for a lack of trying.



But because she was accident prone, Shine was only given small jobs that paid very little.



Scarlet: “Have we said the words accident prone enough?”

SC276: What even is the pay for a weather pony anyway? Given how much the rest of the kingdom depends on their services, I would think even the small jobs would pay more than minimum wage.



Trance however had a decent paying job as a hypnotherapist.



JofY: You know, a low paying job.



However, if they were to move, Trance would have to find a new job somewhere else.



SC276: I don’t have any knowledge of how hypnotherapy clinics work - in real life, I mean - but I would think he primarily works alone. Couldn’t he just relocate his practice?



It was bad enough that his daughter barely got to see him.



SC276: Not a lot of ponies really need the deep sleep, it seems.



When he left for work, Daxelia was usually still asleep. And when he got home, it was late, usually after Daxelia's bed time. And he had to work seven days a week.



Scarlet: I had no idea that hypnotherapy was such a demanding career.

SC276: Or apparently a lot of ponies need the deep sleep. Which is it, author?



However, today was different. Today, he had left for work like usual...at least that's what Shine and Daxelia thought.



SC276: Wait, shoot, is he going to die? Dammit, I got ten bucks on you surviving!



He knew that they were planning to go to the park today for Daxelia's birthday. Trance had taken the day off today. His boss, Orion, was strict and worked his employees hard. But he was kind hearted and understood that it bothered Trance that he barely got to spend time with his daughter. So when Trance asked to take the day off, Orion gave him the entire week off.



SC276: That is the… opposite of strict.



It was an unpaid vacation. But it was a small price to pay to spend time with his daughter.



Scarlet: An immortal soul here, a few clients sacrificed there...



Trance had heard of a great bakery in a small village known as Ponyville.



SC276: Oh great, canon collision. Just what this fic needed. And we’re not at the main part of the story yet.



He had ordered a birthday cake for Daxelia's birthday. And Shine's cousin was willing to meet him halfway to deliver the cake to him. So he only had to spend half a day away from home. So when Shine came home from the park with Daxelia, they would be surprised to see him there waiting for them. He had even obtained several party supplies from a hyperactive pony that had recently started working at the bakery.



Scarlet: Okay, but why not just ask Pinkie to organize it?

CaptainPipsqueak: There can be more than one hyperactive bakery pony. You’re not the boss of them.

SC276: Also, they’re in a completely different city, so...



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X



CaptainPipsqueak: Does anyone think that looks like two X-Wing fighters shooting at each other?

SC276: The Rebellion was really going downhill before the whole New Hope chapter...



Daxelia and Shine were almost home when they ran into one of Trance's old patients. He was a blue earth pony with a white mane. He had a whistle cutie mark. He was simply known as Coach.



SC276: These are the least creative pony names I’ve ever heard. And I’ve read Mykan.



Trance had treated Coach when he hit his head and got amnesia. Trance's hypnotherapy helped him to recover his memory.



Scarlet: We are gathered here to mourn the tragic death of narrative flow. Recently it was struck headlong by a truckload of exposition. It shall be missed.



“Coach, what are you doing here?” Shine asked.

“Nothing much. Just going for a walk,” Coach replied with a grin, “I'm just waiting until I have to pick up my son later.”

“Pick up your son?” Shine asked curiously, “From where?”



Scarlet: [Coach] “Oh, certainly not the body bag I’ve packed him up in!”



“He...uh...went to a party,” Coach said nervously for some reason.



SC276: Stop riffing yourself.



Coach's son was a friend of Daxelia's, and he usually sees her on her birthday. But she hasn't seen him all day today. And this apparently explains why. But Dax still felt disappointed that she hasn't seen him on her birthday.



Scarlet: I was kidding.

SC276: So wait, he ditched his friend’s birthday party to go to… another party? Is that that folktale about how the spider got his thorax?



“Well...do you know when he'll be back?” Daxelia asked. Shine and Coach heard the disappointment in Daxelia's voice, and it hurt them. She really wanted to see her friend.



Scarlet: [Trance] “My God! She’s radiating an aura of pure disappointed adorable! No living being can withstand such power!”

SC276: Don’t worry, I’m dead inside.



“Don't worry. I'm sure you'll see him soon,” Coach said, trying to reassure the silver filly.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Very soon. Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh.



“Well, it was good seeing you. But we've got to get home and wash up,” Shine said, “And make sure to tell you son to come and see Daxelia as soon as he can.”

“Yeah...I'll do that,” Coach replied. Then Shine and Daxelia headed back home.



Scarlet: I am certain nothing in this scene will be important later.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X



SC276: Pew pew, pew-pew pew!



“Alright, is everything ready?” Trance asked as he finished up setting up decorations. Then he looked over to the table where a young earth pony, who was not much older than Daxelia, was setting the table, “High Vault, Is the cake all set?”



Scarlet: “Remember, I don’t want the strippers to jump out until after Dax is already in bed.”



“All set, mister Trance!” exclaimed a young light brown earth pony with a pole vault cutie mark. It was impressive that a pony as young as he was has managed to get his cutie mark so early in his life. His cutie mark, like his name, tells what his talent is...jumping really high. Or in this case, jumping over pole vaults.



Scarlet: No. Really. I hadn’t guessed.

SC276: Yeah, all that exposition in combination with yet another unoriginal name made me really not care.



“Nice work. And just call me Trance. No 'mister',” Trance replied.



SC276: Not even if you paid me. And that’s serious, since I’m freakin’ broke.



Then he turned his attention to the main room, “What's the progress on the games?”

“All the games are set up!” a white pegasus filly, who was part of a group of foals, said.



SC276: [filly] “We got Mario Party and Dokapon Kingdom and… uh, I was running short on time, so I just picked up Sonic R.”

CaptainPipsqueak: YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.



“Alright,” Trance said before turning to the hallway, “And are the presents all hidden?”



Scarlet: “Because if they aren’t, I will end you.”



“That depends. Do you count yourself as one of the presents?” a green earth pony with a brown mane and tail said. He was an adult pony who had a cutie mark that was a blotch of browns and greens.



SC276: One, what is that supposed to mean, and two, who’s this jerk?



“You know what I mean, Camo. The presents that Daxelia's going to unwrap,” Trance said. Trance and Camo are foalhood friends. And Daxelia loved it when Camo came to visit. And Camo loved to visit Daxelia as well.



Scarlet: And I loved hearing about how they loved visiting! I loved it so much!

CaptainPipsqueak: And they love tennis, too.

SC276: Could’ve just said “honorary uncle,” but no, you had to unnaturally force it.



“I know, I know. But you should know that I'm the master of hiding. Everything's all hidden,” Camo replied.



CaptainPipsqueak: ...and not the master of unlocking?

SC276: [Trance] “You’re going to be able to find them again, right?”

[Camo] “Um…”



Trance's attention was taken by a sound coming from a walkie talkie, “Trance, come in...over,” said the voice on the walkie talkie.

“I'm here. What's the news?...Over,” Trance asked.

“Shine and Daxelia are on there way home. Is everything ready?...Over,” the pony on the other end said.



Scarlet: Wait. Walkie-talkies in Equestria? Regular walkie-talkies? The technology level in this show continues to be confusing!

CaptainPipsqueak: Originally, they were going to be called Trotty-talkies, but that sounded silly.



“Affirmative. Everything's all set...over,” Trance said.

“Alright. I'll see you later then. Over and out,” the pony said.



SC276: I don’t understand surprise parties. Granted, I’m not the kind that likes surprises...



'Shine and Daxelia are coming home a little early, aren't they?' Trance thought to himself. Then he turned to everypony there, “Alright everypony. They're on their way here. Everyone get ready.” As everypony were getting into position, Trance turned off the lights and hid himself.



Scarlet: I foresee only good things coming from throwing a surprise party for the filly who literally explodes.

SC276: Oh right, that. There is now even less of a reason to have a surprise party!

CaptainPipsqueak: Body parts everywhere.



“I can't wait to see the look on Daxie's face when she see's us,” Camo whispered to Trance.

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Daxelia was prancing around her mother as they walked home. Her energy had returned to her after her magical blast that she caused.



SC276: Wait, is this from the playground earlier? We don’t need more time shenanigans, author.



She was still disappointed that she hadn't seen her friend yet, but she decided not to let it get to her.



Scarlet: We’re happy for you, Dax.



“What are we gonna do when we get home?” Daxelia asked excitedly.

“Well, I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a bath,” Shine said with a smile.

“A bath? But I hate baths,” Daxelia whined. Daxelia loved the feeling of being clean. But she hated the process of getting clean.



SC276: Girl, you’re too young to be a moody teenager.



Her parents weren't sure if it was because she just hated baths, or if it was because she hated water. The 'hating water' theory was plausible since she never wants to go to the public pool to go swimming, no matter how hot it is.



Scarlet: I’m sure none of that could have been revealed through back and forth banter between Dax and her mother that might’ve, idunno, endeared these characters to me so that if something bad does happen I care even the smallest amount.

SC276: And what does not going to the pool have to do with hating water? I avoid going swimming because I pretty much always have a hundred sheets of paper and no less than two electronics in my immediate vicinity at any given time!



“Well like it or not, you're getting a bath,” Shine said as they headed up the path that lead to their front door. Shine opened the door and they walked in...

“SURPRISE!!!”



Scarlet: “We got you an angry mob for your birthday!”



The sudden shock of the surprise caused Daxelia to cause another explosion, charring everypony and everything within a ten foot radius.

*Flop*



Scarlet: *slow clap*

CaptainPipsqueak: But no body parts a-flyin’. DAXELIA, YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

SC276: How long was this written before the Angry Birds movie trailer?



Daxelia used up her energy again and fell to the floor, panting from the energy consumption.



Scarlet: I suppose it’s economical to tire out your five year old before you let them gorge on sugar.



“That's my girl, heheheh,” Trance laughed,



JofY: “Injuring us if she were to ever get more powerful.”



“Happy birthday, Daxelia.” Trance then used his magic to lift the little filly up and set her on his back. Once she was able, Daxelia gave her father a big hug...well, at least she tried. With her energy drained, a big hug wasn't really more than just laying on her father's back.



Scarlet: One point for cuteness, story. That’s all you get.



“Da...Daddy!” Daxelia said in between breaths.

“I think you blew the candles out a little early, Daxie,” High Vault said.

“HIGH VAULT!!!” Daxelia shouted as she jumped off of her father's back and ran over to her friend, stumbling a bit since she was still drained of energy, “But your dad said that you were at a party.”

“Did I lie?” Coach said as he came walking through the door, “This is a party after all.”



Scarlet: Oh my god! It was a surprise birthday! Now that floating scene from earlier makes sense! I would never have guessed!

SC276: I actually would’ve prefered he be dead. Then we could get some of the despair the title promised us. *holds up the Monokuma plush* This face wants freakin’ despair, people!



“And you didn't think I'd miss seeing you on your birthday, do you?” High Vault stated with a smug grin plastered on his face.

“Oh, that reminds me. I promised Daxelia that I'd tell you that she wanted to see you,” Coach said with a comical tone.



Scarlet: His Louis CK impression needs some work.

SC276: I can’t parse what he’s actually saying. Who wants to see her?



“Well, I re-lit the candles,” Trance said, “Is everypony ready for cake?!”

“CAKE!!!” Daxelia exclaimed.

“Then make a wish and blow out the candles...again,” Trance said.



Scarlet: “And again. And again! Destroy every candle in your path! Leave no survivors!”

SC276: And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...



“I doubt that she could wish for anything better than for her father to be here for her birthday,” Shine said, “After all, you know how little she sees of you. Anyway, it's time for you to blow out the candles, Daxel...Daxelia?” Shine noticed that Daxelia was just staring blankly at the cake. It was like she was in some sort of hypnotic spell.



Scarlet: Wow, it’s almost as if doing something that might deliberately provoke a taxing magical surge was a bad idea!

SC276: Funny that comes up considering her father’s a hypnotherapist...



High Vault walked up to Daxelia to see if she was okay, “Hey Daxie, are you alright?” he asked.

The sound of his voice seemed to snap her out of her trance. Her eyes snapped open and she shook her head out of confusion. Then she looked around in confusion, “Wha...What?” she asked in confusion, “What just happened? Where am I?”



Scarlet: If this turns into that one story from Hyperion where a man’s daughter ages backward through time, I’m done. Because I like that story.

SC276: “What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?!”



“Daxelia, honey, you're home,” Shine answered, “At your birthday party. Remember?”

“What just happened, honey?” Trance asked.

“I...I don't know,” Daxelia said, still with a confused look, “I-I guess I just zoned out.” Daxelia's mood completely changed from her confused state back to her party frame of mind, as if her trance never even happened. Daxelia then blew out the candles.



Scarlet: The effort involved caused her to explode.

CaptainPipsqueak: God, I do not want to be around when she reaches puberty...



“So Daxelia, what did you wish for?” Trance asked.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Your deaths. Oh God; did I say that out loud?”

SC276: Unfortunately, saying it out loud means it won’t come true...



“If I told you, then it wouldn't come true,” Daxelia said.



SC276: Yeah, I just said that, sister.



The truth was, she would've wished to see her father on her birthday, but that came true even before she wished for it. So instead, she wished fo-mmmm....



Scarlet: Mmmm? Well, I mean, I guess that’s something. I’d have gone for eternal life, youth, and power but hey, that’s just me!



(Pinkie: No, don't tell them what Daxeela wished for! Otherwise it won't come true!



Scarlet: Wat.

SC276: Dear god, the fourth wall’s breaching again. And me without my slingshots...



Author: But that's only if Daxelia herself is the one who gives it away. And besides, I'm the narrator! Technically, nopony in the story is actually saying it!



JofY: Actually, because you’ve inserted yourself into the story, you have become your own character. And since your species cannot be verified...



Pinkie: How do you know that won't make a difference? If you tell everypony what Daxeela wished for and it doesn't come true, then she'll hate you... FOREVER!



Scarlet: Is anyone else watching the author have a breakdown as he talks to the cartoon horse living in his head?

JofY: Why no, this doesn’t look familiar to me at all.

SC276: I need help maneuvering this giant-ass band-aid!



Author: But I'm not just the Narrator, I'm also the Author. So I... Wait... HOW THE HECK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME?!!



Scarlet: Good question! There’s a very simple and effective non-bullshit answer you would’ve written in the margins somewhere if you had room for it, I’m sure.

CaptainPipsqueak: This is what they call ‘padding’, yes?

JofY: That, or we’ve been getting leaks.



Pinkie: That doesn't matter. All that matters is that you remember... FOREVER!

Author: Ugh, fine. And her name is 'Daxelia', not 'Daxeela'.)



SC276: Back! Back! Back behind the fourth wall with you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!



The rest of the day was spent eating cake, playing games, opening presents, and generally just having fun. But unfortunately, the day had to end eventually and everypony had to go home.



Scarlet: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out~

SC276: Well points for skipping the boring parts, but they also skipped the part where one foal stole another’s Star and was slammed over the head by the victim’s controller. They’re not talking anymore.



“Dad, if it's alright with them, is it alright if I sleep over?” High Vault asked.



SC276: If it’s alright with you and it’s alright with him and it’s alright with me...



The young colt didn't exactly know why he wanted to stay so badly. But he was too young to understand the feelings he was having.



SC276: I’m pretty sure whoever was talking about puberty earlier was joking.



“Well, if it's alright with Daxelia's parents,” Coach said as he looked toward her parents to see what their answer was.



Scarlet: I’m scarred enough at this point that I’ve armed myself just on the off-chance this does turn out to be foalcon.

SC276: Hey, I’ll take any despair at this point.



Trance looked down at his daughter to see her big puppy dog eyes. Then he turned to his wife who nodded approvingly, “Well, since it is Daxelia's birthday...I suppose it'll be alright,” Trance said, acting as if he was only being nice this once. He would've said yes in a heartbeat though. He knew how close Daxelia and High Vault were.



Scarlet: He recorded their every moment with a state of the art surveillance system.

SC276: The fact she was bummed about him not showing up was evidence of that. That last line was completely unnecessary. This author does not have a high opinion of his audience.



“Alright then. You can sleep over,” Coach said as he headed to the door, “I'll see you tomorrow then. And again, happy birthday Daxelia.” With that said, Coach headed out the door.

“YAY!!!” the two foals cheered as they hugged each other happily.



Scarlet: So is… is anything going to happen here?

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if you believe really hard.



“Do you think they realize that they're more than friends?” Shine asked her husband.

“I doubt it. They're too young to really know what they're feeling,” Trance replied, “But I do think that High Vault will make a good father for our grandfoals.”



Scarlet: She’s five! He’s five! They don’t care yet! They won’t care for another eight or nine years at least! You people are sick!

SC276: The worst part the “present” has them at 10.



“Aren't you thinking a little too far ahead?” Shine replied, “I think it's a little to early to be thinking of ourselves as grandparents.”



Scarlet: Thank you, Shine.



“Don't tell me you don't see it happening,” Trance said, pointing at the two young ponies happily trotting about, “You don't have to be a psychic to see that they're going to end up together.”



Scarlet: Because there has never in history been a time when childhood friends of the opposite gender have grown apart as they grew older.



Shine looked at the two and smiled, “I see you're point,” she replied, “But I'd rather you not be talking about grandfoals...not yet anyway. It makes me feel old. And I'm too young to feel old.”



Scarlet: That’s your objection?

SC276: I feel old just reading this.



“Deal,” Trance said, “But does it make you feel better knowing that princess Celestia is over a thousand years old?”

“Not really,” Shine said, “Princess Celestia may be allot older than me. But she still looks like she's younger than me. And that just makes me feel like I look old.”



Scarlet: The return of the majestic allot.

SC276: That just reminds me of that one Foxtrot strip.



“After they have their fun, I want to talk to Daxelia for a little while,” Trance said, becoming serious as he changed the subject, “Something bothers me about her little... daze that she had earlier.”



Scarlet: Gee, is it possible that your daughter’s explosive magic surges might be having an adverse effect on her, or be linked to a dangerous underlying cause?

SC276: This is where the hypnosis comes in, doesn’t it.



“Are you sure you're not just being over protective?” Shine said, knowing that Trance was serious.

“I may not get to see my little filly as often as I'd like,” Trance said, “But I at least know her well enough to know that that's never happened before.”

“I guess you're right,” Shine admitted.



Scarlet: But we’re not going any further here, because SCENE!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“Alright, Daxelia. Just relax and let your mind drift,” Trance said in a soothing voice.



JofY: Uhhhh...



He didn't want to use hypnosis on his daughter yet, since she admitted that she did remember what happened during her zoning out.



JofY: UHHHH...



She said it was like trying to remember a dream though, so Trance was helping to put her into a type of trance that would relax the mind like in sleep, helping Daxelia to remember what she saw,



Scarlet: But remember, that’s not hypnosis.

SC276: What kind of trance doesn’t relax the mind like that, I ask?



“Now go back into that vision. What is the first thing you see?”



SC276: You freakin’ suck at hypnosis. There’s no way she’s that far down after only one or two lines.

CaptainPipsqueak: Look at your stallion. Now back to me. Now back at your stallion.



High Vault was there watching with amazement...and a hint of fear.



SC276: What is he even doing here?

JofY: Is it finally time for some death?



“I see...three ponies,” Daxelia said, “One of them is a child.”



Scarlet: ~We three ponies in this dream are/bearing gifts, we traverse afar~

SC276: ~Field and fountain, moor and mountain / following yonder star...~



“Focus on them. Can you see who they are? Do you recognize them?” Trance asked.

“They...They're us. Me, you, and mom,” Daxelia said, “We're walking down a street.”



SC276: Well at least it’s not the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. You walk that one alone. Maybe with your shadow, but that’s the only one.



“Do you know what street?” Trance asked, “Are there any street signs, houses you recognize, any landmarks that might indicate where you are?”



Scarlet: Somewhere on the corner of where Batman’s parents were shot and the main drag of Silent Hill, I presume.



“No. It's all in fog,” Daxelia said.



Scarlet: Well I got half of it right!



“Alright, let's continue,” Trance said, “What's happening? What are we doing?”

“We're walking. I don't know where to,” Daxelia said before Trance could ask, “Wait...there's somepony else there.”



SC276: [Turret] “Is someone there? I don’t hate you.”



“Who is it?” Trance asked.

“I don't know. I can't see him,” Daxelia said, seeming to become agitated, “All I see is darkness.”



Scarlet: Xehanort, I’ve asked you to stay out like five times now! The joke is going to die from overuse!



“If he's in the darkness, then how do you know he's a pony?” Trance asked, "How do you know there's even anypony there?"



JofY: Remember, when you are in a trance, you can’t smell or hear.



“I don't know. I just know,” Daxelia said as she was beginning to panic, “He's coming closer.”

“What's he doing?”



Scarlet: [Daxelia] “He’s raising his hooves… and now he’s swaying back and forth rhythmically… oh god, it’s the Caramelldansen! That meme’s dead! We thought it was dead!”



“I don't know! I don't like him! Get him away from me!”

“What's he doing?!”



JofY: Hi there, could I interest you in some fanfic?



“No! Please! Get away!”

“Daxelia, what's-”



Scarlet: “-love?”



“TRANCE!” Trance was snapped back to reality when Shine shouted.



SC276: And now you’re here too! Is there no sanctity left?!



It was now that he realized how much his daughter was panicking. Her panic was severe enough that it may cause damage if it's not stopped soon, “Okay, Daxelia. Allow the visions that you are seeing to slowly fade away into nothingness.”



Scarlet: I foresee nothing bad at all happening in the near future.



Daxelia was beginning to calm down slowly. After a few minutes of calming down, Daxelia opened her eyes as if nothing happened. Trance had put her into a deep enough trance that she wouldn't remember what happened. Or at least, it would be like trying to remember a dream.



Scarlet: But remember, this is not hypnosis.

SC276: Yeah, I’m familiar enough with the idea that this session is freakin’ bullshit.



“Are you okay, honey?” Trance asked Daxelia.

“Yeah, I think so,” Daxelia replied, feeling a little dizzy.

Trance walked back over to Shine as Daxelia and High Vault went upstairs to play, “I didn't mean to go overboard with my session,” Trance said, “It's just that I've never had so much difficulty getting information from somepony.”



Scarlet: “Honey, normally you threaten to hit them with a crowbar until they talk.” “Oh yeah!”



“Well perhaps this was just the work of an overactive imagination,” Shine replied, “After all, she's only five years old. And young fillies and colts tend to have an overactive imaginations to the point where they can believe their imagination was true.”



Scarlet: “On the other hand, we’re in a fic with ‘tragedy’ in the title.”

SC276: “Despair,” actually. I’m not carrying this plush bear around for nothing.



“Well...perhaps,” Trance sighed, “But even if it was just her imagination, It bothers me that she could come up with something that terrifying. And the fact that she just blanked out when it happened just makes it that much for disturbing.”



Scarlet: “The kid’s creepy. Let’s ditch her.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “We can start again. We’re both young and I can still stomach looking at you.”



“Well foals her age also still believe in Nightmare Moon,” Shine said.

“Nightmare Moon is just a fairy tail. It's silly to believe in a fairy tail like that,” Trance said,



Scarlet: GET IT? DO YOU GET IT, GUYS? I DON’T KNOW IF YOU GET IT! BECAUSE NIGHTMARE MOON TURNED OUT TO BE REAL, SO THIS IS IRONIC! GET IT?

CaptainPipsqueak: I didn’t know fairies had tails...

SC276: Not sure if ponyspeak attempt or actual typo. *squints eyes*

Scarlet: Clearly they’re just really into anime.



“But...considering that I still believe in Nightmare Moon when I was her age, I guess I can assume you're right.”

X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Upstairs in Daxelia's room, they were playing a game where they pretended that the floor was molten lava,



SC276: We know that game, author. It’s called “The Floor is Lava.” Just use the freakin’ name, ya pretentious git!



and they had to keep from touching it at all costs.



JofY: Unfortunately, there wasn't any furniture.



After they got tired with that game, they just decided to relax on the bed. It was slightly awkward because neither of them had anything to say. But they didn't mind that much. They just enjoyed each other's company.



Scarlet: “They” being Shine and Trance, I assume, given we’ve had no indication to the contrary.



“So, Daxie, what do you want to do now?” High Vault asked as he was just laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“I don't know. What do you want to do?” Daxelia asked.

“I don't know. What do you want to do?” High Vault asked again.



Scarlet: Actual recorded dialogue from conversations between five year old me and my sisters.

SC276: “Whatta ya want to do today?” “I dunno, whatta you want to do today?” “I dunno, whatta you want to do today?”



Seeing where this was going to head, Daxelia decided to stop the endless loop before it even started, “You wanna go down to see if we can have some more cake?” Daxelia asked excitedly.



JofY: “I dunno, do you wanna go down to see if we can have some more cake?”

SC276: [Daxelia] “We’ll have to bake you first, though.”



“I like you the best when you're thinking with your stomach,” High Vault said as he hopped down off the bed. The two little ponies then headed back downstairs to ask Daxelia's mom if they could have some more cake. But when they got downstairs, they couldn't find Daxelia's parents anywhere. All they found was a note that read…



Scarlet: “See you, suckers. We out.”



We're sorry we didn't invite you to come with us on our walk tonight.



JofY: Oh, please let this ACTUALLY be something.



We assumed that you wanted to spend some time with High Vault. We hope this doesn't upset you. The two of you are welcome to have some more cake. But don't eat the entire thing. And that means you, High Vault.



Scarlet: [High Vault] “That sounds like a challenge!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It has rat poison in it. It’s our little game. Some pieces are safe to eat and some will kill you.”

SC276: One, that’s the Russian Roulette Dinner from Yu-Gi-Oh, and I’m not making that up. Two, who leaves five-year-olds unattended?!



Daxelia turned around to see High Vault holding the cake and was about to eat it all in one bite. But when he noticed Daxelia staring at him, he put it down and smiled sheepishly.

“Well, my parents are on one of their walks. So we can have some more cake,” Daxelia said, “Just remember that it's not your cake to inhale.” Daxelia then cut them a couple of slices of cake.



Scarlet: Five year old with unstable magical aura and a cake knife. This story is not safe for children.

CaptainPipsqueak: Unless you’re Daxelia. Then it’s only unsafe for everyone else.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“Are you sure we should've left her home on her own?” Shine asked.



SC276: That’s what I’m freakin’ asking!



“She's not on her own, she's with High Vault,” Trance replied,



SC276: That doesn’t help at all!!



“And besides, I've seen how protective High Vault can be of Daxelia. If she get's so much as a paper cut, he'll treat her as if she had a broken hoof. Trust me. She's in good hooves.”



Scarlet: “So what if she explodes?” “Eh, we’re young, we can make another one.”



As the couple walked down the street, they came across somepony they thought they'd never see in West Fillydelphia.

“Oh my...is that...” Shine asked, unable to finish her sentences.

“It couldn't be,” Trance said in denial, “Somepony like her would never come to a place as run down as West Fillydelphia...would she?”



Scarlet: Who, the Virgin Mary?



“Ah, I see I've been discovered,” the large white alicorn said.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yes. Very few people would have noticed a large white alicorn.

SC276: I’m pretty sure Philadelphia doesn’t get foggy as hell. This isn’t Trottingham.



“PRINCESS CELESTIA?!” both Trance and Shine said in unison before they bowed to the sun princess.

“It is alright. You may rise,” Celestia said with a warm smile.



Scarlet: Okay, I wasn’t entirely off with my answer.



“P-P-Princess, w-what are y-you d-d-doing h-h-here?” Trance stuttered.



SC276: Dude, you literally hypnotize ponies. Have some mental fortitude.



“My sister and I used to come here allot when we were fillies,” Celestia explained,



Scarlet: The allot- a creature so majestic that royalty uses them exclusively for transportation.



“Of course this place looked allot better over 1000 years ago.



SC276: OK, author, now you’re just doing it on purpose.

JofY: “Of course, 1000 years ago, this place had an economy.”



One of our good friends used to live here when he was a little colt. That is before our father took him in.”

Trance saw the look in the princess's eyes. He was taking a risk talking like this to the sun princess, “Was this your foalhood coltfriend?” he asked.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Dude, I was five and more interested in catching butterflies than boys. What do you think?”

JofY: [Trance] “...Yes.”



“TRANCE?!” Shine exclaimed at her husband's comment.



CaptainPipsqueak: “Go away, dear; I’m trying to hit on the Princess.”



“No no, it's alright,” Celestia said, “I supposed you could say I had a slight attraction to him. But my sister had a bigger crush on him than I did. And I knew it.



JofY: “So I banished her to the moon.”



I also knew that he returned her feelings. And since being the older sister got me more attention, I thought that it was only fair that she had him instead of me.”



Scarlet: There are so many things wrong with this dynamic that I’m not sure where to start.

SC276: Well for one, it’s this fic.



“So you come here for sentimental value?” Shine asked.

“I supposed you could say that,” Celestia said, “But I also come to pay my respects to him. It was 1,142 years ago today that he saved my sister's life...at the cost of his own.”



Scarlet: Hey, you know what would be a way more interesting story?

SC276: The freakin’ apple short fic, actually.

JofY: *Picks out another piece of glass.* I like my health, so I think I’ll stick with this one.



“Oh, I'm so sorry,” Shine said sympathetically.

“It's alright,” Celestia said, dismissing Shine's concern, “It's actually good to talk to somepony about it.



SC276: [Celestia] “Not that I haven’t had plenty of opportunities in the last 1,142 years, but this plot needs to keep going.”



I come during the night time because I usually won't have to worry about ponies coming and crowding around me. But it's good to be able to see somepony, as long as it's not overwhelming. I also come at night because that's when the accident happened.”



Scarlet: “He was struck down by a rogue exposition truck driving through the story at mach speed and holding up the plot.”



“Oh, well, how long will you be here for?” Trance asked, “Because maybe we could bring our daughter to come to see you as well. She just turned five today and it would be a great birthday present for her to meet you.”



Scarlet: So hey, you’re talking to the most magical pony in all of the land. Are you going to possibly mention that you have an exploding filly?



“I usually stay for a couple of days. Though during the days, I would have to disguise myself so that I won't be noticed by the public,” Celestia said,



JofY: “You’d be surprised how well a pair of glasses work.”



“Perhaps tomorrow night I could come by and visit.”

“That would be wonderful!” Shine exclaimed. They then gave the sun princess their address.



Scarlet: I’m sure they are going to mention they have an exploding filly any second now.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Oh, and by the by: our child randomly explodes. You may want to consider wearing something less valuable when you visit. Princess? Princess Celestia? Where are you going, princess?



“Good night, princess Celestia,” Trance said as they parted ways.

“Good night,” Shine said, following her husband's lead.

“Good night to you both,” Celestia said. Then they parted ways.



Scarlet: Once again, my bare minimum hopes are dashed. Que up Apple-Picking Beam again, because I am in despair.

SC276: ~The boy was dreaming of living free / but now he can only laugh at reality...~



Not long after Celestia and the couple had parted ways, Celestia had gotten to the playground where she used to play with her sister and their friend. That's when she passed by a pony wearing a hooded cloak. Celestia had a bad feeling about this pony and thought she should've stopped him.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “That’s either a cult member or paparazzi, and I’m getting tired of both.”

SC276: I punch a cultist...



But she often got a little paranoid on this night, so she decided to ignore him as he walked in the direction that she had come from.



SC276: I love how even when the closest thing to a goddess is bought in, the fic continues to work to ensure something terrible happens to the filly.



Celestia did find it odd however that he completely ignored her. It was like he didn't realize the sun princess was standing right there. Either that or he didn't care. Every fiber in her being was telling Celestia to stop that pony. But she refused to let paranoia get the best of her.



Scarlet: So not even going to start up a conversation with him? Ask a policeman to keep an eye on things? Mention this to anyone? Jeez, the return of OOCelestia.

SC276: She’d at least say “hello”...



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

“High Vault, how long does it take my parents to go for walks?” Daxelia asked, a twinge of worry in her voice.

“About fifteen minutes,” High Vault answered.

“And how long ago did we find that letter that they left us?”



Scarlet: “The one with ‘ha ha, we’re free you little monsters, free’” scrawled on the back, you mean?”



“About an hour ago,” High Vault replied cluelessly,



SC276: How the hell did running into Celestia delay them by forty-five minutes? I mean, even with this fic’s roundabout prose...



“Is something bothering you Daxie?”



JofY: “...I want more cake.”



“Have my parents come home yet?!” Daxelia asked, worry now evident in her voice. The look on High Vault's face showed that he realized what Daxelia was trying to tell him. She was worried that something had happened to them.



Scarlet: It took them an hour to start panicking? These are some hardcore five year olds.



“I'm sure you parent's are fine,” High Vault said, trying to reassure Daxelia, “Maybe they just got held up with something. Maybe they went to the store for something. I'm sure everything is...”

“EVERYTHING'S NOT FINE!!!” Daxelia suddenly snapped. Her outburst had surprised even herself.



Scarlet: Fine, alright. Just once. You’re Lying!



High Vault then nuzzled Daxelia to help calm her down. It was partly to comfort her, and partly because he noticed her horn was starting to glow. And when her horn starts to glow, she's about to blow.



Scarlet: Ewwwwww. Someone did not think that line through.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or, even worse, did.

SC276: Like the author’s going to start now.



But even though High Vault had managed to calm her down, her worry for her parents did not subside, “May...Maybe you're right,” Daxelia said, trying to reassure herself. But it wasn't working so well.

But as she attempted to calm down. The front door suddenly burst open and in the doorway stood a large menacing pony that gave off an aura of darkness.



Scarlet: As random scions of evil who make house calls on unremarkable fillies are wont to do.

SC276: Why wasn’t that locked?!

JofY: Oh, come on. It’s not like anyone would try to invade.



He was all black, save for his dark red eyes. And the dark energy that he seemed to radiate hid his details enough that he couldn't be identified.



Scarlet: Oh I see, he’s a gestalt fusion of all the stereotypical emo alicorn OCs.

CaptainPipsqueak: No, see, he’s totally different. He’s not black and red, he’s black with red eyes. Totally not the same.



The only identifiable features were his dark red eyes that seemed to glow, a long black sharp horn that radiated an unnatural black magical aura, and his large menacing wings that had a demonic appearance to them.



Scarlet: This off-brand Sombra is so much less satisfying than the crystal-dragon version.

SC276: At least that one threw Chrysalis across the Crystal Empire.



“HELP!!! IT'S NIGHTMARE MOON!!!” High Vault screamed as he ran off in terror. The dark pony rolled his eyes while Daxelia facehoofed. Anypony who knew about the legend of Nightmare Moon knew that Nightmare Moon was a mare, not a stallion.



Scarlet: Ha ha ha, ain’t it funny? You’re totally both about to die!

SC276: That is a completely necessary detail right now!

JofY: “Excuse me murderer, but are you a man, or a woman?”



The last thing Daxelia remembered was his horn starting to glow. Then there was a flash of dark energy. Just before she blacked out, she thought she heard a voice saying “Your parents have been murdered.”



Scarlet: Followed by a Game Over screen.

SC276: TIME FOR THE PUNISHMENT!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Celestia decided to head back to find the address that the couple had given her. That way she wouldn't have any trouble finding it the next night.



SC276: And where were you for the last hour, lady?



On her way back however, she found the couple she had met...laying lifelessly in a puddle of blood.



SC276: Insert that dead-body-discovery music from Danganronpa here.



Celestia used her magic to check for a heartbeat...there was none.



Scarlet: And apparently the other half of my Silent Hill/Batman prediction was right on the money. I swear I don’t read ahead in these things.

SC276: Also, Mom’s dead. Where’s my ten bucks?



But what bothered Celestia the most was the cloak that was laying next to the couple. It was the same cloak as the one that the mysterious pony she crossed paths with earlier was wearing.



SC276: Gee, I did not see something like this coming.



Celestia was unable to think clearly as she realized that she had let that mysterious pony murder this kind and innocent couple. And this also meant that their daughter that they spoke of earlier was now an orphan...Celestia had just made an innocent little filly an orphan.



Scarlet: Congratulations.

SC276: Lady, “orphan” is going to be trumped by “dead” soon if you don’t haul your sunny ass.



Celestia then did her best to regain her composure and use a tracking spell on the cloak so that she can find the owner. However, it seemed that the tracking spell wasn't working. It was almost as if the owner of the cloak was not of this world



Scarlet: My OC Gestalt theory is gaining in-fic credence.

SC276: Boooo, it’s a ghooooost!



. Either that, or the owner was so powerful that they could avoid detection of a tracking spell.

Celestia then looked at the address...

1142 Guardian Angel road.



Scarlet: Oh great. Her childhood friend is a revenant.



“Guardian Angel road? That's the road that was named in respect to him,” Celestia realized, “And 1142? That's the same as how many years ago he died...and how many years ago the road was named!”



Scarlet: That means… literally nothing!



X ~ 1,142 years ago ~ X



SC276: Oh for fuck’s sake, fic, this is 1,142 years ago with respect to the present! That last scene was five years in the past, so it’d be 1,147 years ago! Keep your own fucking internal logic straight!



“We are here to respect the memory of the pony who had saved Luna's life,” The mayor of Fillydelphia announced, “Luna's father, Lord Galactus,



CaptainPipsqueak: “...who is the whole reason behind Celestia’s cake addiction thing…”



had ordered that we honor the memory of Luna's savior.



SC276: [Celestia] “We were totally trying to get out of it otherwise. Also, the guy’s my father too since we’re sisters, but the author apparently doesn’t know that.”



And we shale do so by giving the road the name 'Guardian Angel Road', since the best way to honor his memory is to give him the title of Luna's guardian angel.”



Scarlet: “We shall begin each year by reminding you never to drive faster than he can fly.”

SC276: [Celestia] “And not after his actual name. Come to think of it, we really don’t give a damn about this guy.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Who?



Luna had her muzzle buried in Celestia's shoulder as the memory of what happened still hurt.



CaptainPipsqueak: So did Luna embedding her nose in her sister’s shoulder, but Celestia chose to keep quiet.



“Everything will be okay,” Celestia said as she tried her best to comfort her little sister.

“I just miss him so much,” Luna whimpered.



Scarlet: Wow, if only we had some sort of actual insight into why these three were so close. Maybe a story to establish this totally new character and get the audience on his side, perhaps? But such things are unpossible!



X ~ End Flashback ~ X

Celestia then used her magic to send a message to the hospital and to law enforcement, making sure they knew where to find the bodies. Once someone arrived to take care of the situation, she headed off to the address she was given to find the now orphaned filly.



Scarlet: You didn’t tell anyone about her? No law enforcement, no social workers, nobody? OOCelestia is just the worst!

SC276: Yeah, sure, only tell them about the ponies they can’t save! Also, I thought you were in front of the house; you’re telling me you just came across their bodies on the way there?!



However, once she arrived and looked inside, she saw that there was nopony home. It was however recently used, seeing as there were traces of a party still around.



SC276: Pretty sure you could find Fallout houses with similar decoration.



And she even saw a banner saying 'Happy Birthday Daxelia'.

As she was about to use a tracking spell to try and find the orphaned filly, she noticed a note…



Scarlet: “Abandon hope, all ye who read past this point.”



To whom it may concern,



JofY: ‘Would you like to know how to increase your loving by three sizes?’



I have taken the little silver filly to safety. I will make sure that she will not be harmed. I cannot let anypony know where I have taken her, or what I plan. But rest assured that she will be well taken care of.



Scarlet: This raises several red flags at once.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I have no plans whatsoever to rape her. So don’t let that thought bother you, now that I’ve put it in your heads.”

SC276: And not even the decency to sign it.



Desperate to find the filly to make sure that she's safe, Celestia used a tracking spell to find her, hoping that it would lead her to the orphaned filly. But instead, another part of the message appeared...

If you are reading this, then that means you have used a tracking spell. I have anticipated that somepony may try using a tracking spell to find either me or the filly.



Scarlet: A veritable David Xanatos, I see.

SC276: Also, this author sucks at separating written notes from the rest of the prose.



So I have put a spell on everything in the house that will negate any tracking spell used. I can't risk anypony to find out where I have taken the filly. It is for her own safety.

P.S. I would advise not to use a tracking spell on this note again.



Scarlet: “Also your gun cannot shoot me, because I have a magic forcefield.”

SC276: What’s it going to do, explode harmlessly in her face?



Ignoring the warning, Celestia used another tracking spell, determined to find the orphaned filly. However, this time her magic recoiled and she was shocked by her own magic. Then another part of the message appeared...

I warned you.



Scarlet: Wrong order, buddy.

SC276: Eh, I was close.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

As Daxelia began to wake back up, she saw that it was morning.



SC276: Insert morning announcement here.



But her surroundings were unfamiliar. She was in a decent looking place, about the same quality as her house. But the place seemed rather empty, as if nopony was actually living here.



Scarlet: Is this the part where she turns into Batman, or is that later?

CaptainPisqueak: Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot...



When she looked out the window, she saw in the distance what she recognized as Silver Lake. This meant that she was all the way in the eastern district of Fillydelphia. How was she going to get back home?



Scarlet; Why bother? Just move in with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air!

SC276: Gee, how to get from the eastern part of a city to the western part of the same city? I haven’t the foggiest!



The silver filly's thoughts were derailed when her stomach started growling. She left the room she was in and went downstairs to see if there was any food. If this house really was empty though, then the chances of her finding food were slim.

When she went downstairs and into the kitchen, she saw a tray with several kinds of foods on it. It seemed that her luck was good...for now anyway.



Scarlet: And only half the food was poisoned!

SC276: Can’t even be bothered to at least overview what the actual foods were.



After Daxelia had eaten her fill, she checked the door to see if she could leave.



SC276: Which door? It’s a house, there’s a lot of doors.



However, the door was locked and she was too small to reach the lock. It was just out of reach.



SC276: Locks are usually located below the doorknobs. If she can reach that to try and open the door, she can reach the lock.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

After a week of being a prisoner in that house, Daxelia had grown another inch.



Scarlet: That is a fast-growing five year old.



She had no idea where the food was coming from.



SC276: What is even the point of this. Like seriously, we don’t even learn how she’s coping with suddenly being prisoner for a week. What happened to her coltfriend? Isn’t she worried about him?



But one day she had found a large black feather on the floor next to the tray of food.



JofY: A crow took her food!



Daxelia had reached up to the lock. She was almost there...

*CLICK*



Scarlet: And now she’ll escape and discover that the entire facility was a sham!

SC276: What is this, Tai Lung’s prison?



Daxelia had successfully unlocked the door. She then filled a small bag that she made with a sheet and filled it with some of the food...along with the feather. Then she headed out the door to try to get back home. It was going to be a long trip, that was for certain.



Scarlet: Because taxis and police officers who might be willing to help lost children do not exist! Oh just freakin’ walk.



But she wanted to see High Vault again.



SC276: You think he’s OK, even though he was with you when you were kidnapped?!



She remembered hearing that voice saying that her parents were murdered...that was a rather blunt way to say it.



SC276: Now’s too late to riff your own narrative style, author.



But if this was true, it meant that she was an orphan. Maybe High Vault's dad would take her in.



Scarlet: Thus making our ‘meant to be’ five year olds into siblings. Well, I’m not weirded out!

SC276: Some despair this is! Her parents are dead, she’s been kidnapped for a week, doesn’t know what happened to her best friend, and she doesn’t seem remotely bothered at all!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

The combination of distance, not knowing where to go, and being as young as she was made her trip back home take over two months.



SC276: You literally couldn’t get directions to someplace else in the same city? When you live on the street named for Celestia’s dead friend and thus would be famous? Clearly, any despair this fic was referring to is that which it induces in its readers!

CaptainPipsqueak: She tried running away from home once, but wasn’t allowed to cross the street without an adult. She spent three hours walking around the block before giving up.



She had managed to stretch out the food she had brought with her for three weeks. But that was all she could do. However, every night after she had ran out of food, once she woke up, there would be a little more food.



Scarlet: This can only mean one thing- the food is reproducing asexually.

Captainpipsqueak: Well that’s put me off eating it.



It seemed somepony was trying to help her. But who?



Scarlet: Someone who really doesn’t want to take her to law enforcement, Celestia, or anyone else who might be able to help her it seems.

SC276: I honestly have no fucking idea what this guy’s plan is. I mean, it’s not unreasonable to assume there’s some connection to Celestia’s dead friend - I mean, it’s almost blatant at this point. The only hole so far is I can’t tell if the pony that killed her parents and barged into her home is that same guy or not.

JofY: I’m wondering why Mr. Mysterious can’t write a note saying: ‘THIS IS WHY I AM DOING WHAT I AM DOING.’



But at least this meant that Daxelia got back home. The first thing she did was to go back to her home to see if her parents were still alive. However, when she looked in the window, there was another family inside, and the furniture was all different.



Scarlet: “Move into a murdered family’s home not a week after the incident? Seems legit!”.

SC276: Scar, I hate to defend this fic, but it just said it was two months later. Pay attention already.

Scarlet: It took her two months to cross the city without a single officer noticing the child wandering alone, or having her reported? I… no.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, there were, but after the second or third explosion...



The next thing she did was to go to High Vault's house to see if she could stay with him. When she knocked on the door, she was greeted by a mare that she didn't recognize, “Hello?” the mare asked.

“Is...uh...is High Vault home?” Daxelia asked, afraid she was going to sound ridiculous.



Scarlet: Dax channels the author.



“Hmm. Was his father's name Coach?” the mare asked. Daxelia nodded, “I'm sorry, but they moved out about a month ago.”



SC276: That is your reaction to seeing the filly of the dead parents that went missing two months ago?! This city sucks with its news reports!



“Oh...well...thanks,” Daxelia said disappointed. She then walked away.

There was one final option for her. It was the fort that she and High Vault built at the park.



SC276: And not, you know, the cops.



When she headed to the park to see if it was still there, she was glad to see that it was.



Scarlet: “Complete with the security bunker and tomahawk missiles.”



At least this meant that she had shelter. It wasn't much of a shelter, but it protected her from rain and was warmer than just laying outside. And the sheet she used as a bag she now could use as a blanket.

X ~ 10 month later ~ X



SC276: Wait, is this ten months after that last scene, or ten months after the “present time” we started nine years behind?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yyy...es?



Daxelia's shelter was no longer a doable shelter.



SC276: Shelter shelter, shelter. Shelter? Shelter!



There was a termite infestation about a month ago. Now the shelter was no more than a pile of rotting wood in a tree.



Scarlet: Ten months? I don’t care if this is west Filly, nobody is going to ignore a kid living in a park for the better part of a year! She’s five!

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but she randomly explodes. Do you wanna mess with that shit?

Scarlet: Do you want it in your park?

CaptainPipsqueak: Do you want to be the one dumb enough to try to make it leave?



But that wasn't the worst of Daxelia's problems. Ever since her shelter was, for lack of a better term, destroyed, Daxelia had been feeling sick and was losing her appetite. She was barely eating enough to even keep her alive. But for the past few days, she had stopped eating all together. And the only shelter she had was a jungle gym at the playground.



Scarlet: Too stupid to bother riffing. All of this.

SC276: Why hasn’t she talked to the cops? Why haven’t the cops talked to her? Why hasn’t she done anything in ten months, including find a new shelter? Despair as a result of everyone being stupid is not true despair. The freakin’ mastermind would slap this author for this insult.



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Celestia had once again returned to West Fillydelphia. It was now the 1,143rd anniversary of when her friend had died...and the one year anniversary of when that kind couple were murdered. She now had two reasons to visit here.



Scarlet: Great food and a welcoming atmosphere!

CaptainPipsqueak: Also endless breadsticks.



As she passed the playground as she usually did, she notice what seemed like a lump of dirt under the jungle gym. At first, she didn't give it any thought. But then she thought she saw it moving.



JofY: Molemen!



So she went to go check it out. Sure enough, it was a little filly. She was covered in dirt and mud. And she was barely breathing.



Scarlet: OOCelestia manages to accomplish something. And only a year too late!

SC276: What has she been doing this past year?! Considering she considers herself directly responsible for her parents’ murder, she would’ve put resources into tracking down the kidnapped filly through mundane means like her actual guards or something!



Celestia used an identification spell to see who her parents were.



SC276: That’s what you ID?! And not who she actually is?!

CaptainPipsqueak: Very little...nothing has made sense so far; don’t expect things to start now.



When she saw the images of her parents, she was surprised to see that it was the couple who were murdered. She was the filly that she had allowed made an orphan.



Scarlet: So which of these two is Batman?



Feeling a pang of guilt hit her, she felt responsible.



JofY: What? Giving up, after… 2 attempts? You tried!



When she nudged her head to wake her up, she felt that she had an extremely high fever and needed medical attention. She immediately took her to the Canterlot hospital, using a teleportation spell to get there.



Scarlet: Good. Going by her track record, I wasn’t sure she’d have the brains.

CaptainPipsqueak: She has to do something right now and then. It’s in her contract.

SC276: Was going to a Fillydelphia hospital just that out of the question or something?

CaptainPipsqueak: Please. She’s the Princess. Do you think she’d be caught dead going to some commoner hospital?



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

Daxelia remembered waking up feeling a bit disoriented. She felt weak and unable to get up.



SC276: That’s the author forcing more dumb melodrama into this fic.

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m badly written and I can’t get up!”



When she opened her eyes, she saw that she was in a white room. But her blurry vision combined with her disorientation made it so that was all she could recognize.

Her disoriented mind made her think of a strange thought, “A...Am I...dead?” She asked quietly, still feeling really tired.



Scarlet: So is she going to have that exploding thing become story relevant at any point?

CaptainPipsqueak: Dude. Who cares? EXPLOSIONS.

SC276: Honestly, death would be a mercy for everyone involved.



“You're awake!” she heard a voice say. She then saw a blurry image of a large white pony with a pastel mane.

“Are you an angel?” Daxelia asked, noticing the wings.



Scarlet: Really, kid?

CaptainPipsqueak: “Yes, child; the angel of death…”



“No, I am not an angel. And you are very much alive!” the large pony said.



CaptainPipsqueak: “...but if you’ll give me a moment, I can fix that for you.” Also, she not ‘large’, she’s ‘solidly-built’ or ‘statuesque’.



As her vision cleared, Daxelia was able to see who the large pony was. It was none other than the sun princess herself, “Princess Celstia!” Daxelia exclaimed



Scarlet: Now available from reliable Hasbro bootleggers- the new full size Princess Celstia and Agrestia playset!



weakly as she tried to get up. But she was pushed back down by Celestia.

“Please, don't try to get up. You're still far to weak,” Celestia said, “I found you in West Fillydelphia under a jungle gym.



SC276: She was living in a jungle gym for at least a couple weeks and no one noticed? She lives in the most abandoned neighborhood ever.



You were covered in dirt, you were barely breathing, and you had a high fever. You are very lucky to even be alive.”



Scarlet: “Especially since you spontaneously combusted three times while I tried to move you.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Bitch, I was so ready to abandon your ass.”



“I wish I was dead,” Daxelia said, “Then I could see my parents again.”



CaptainPipsqueak: (Celestia)” ‘kay.” *snap* THE END.

SC276: Where the hell did she learn her parents were dead? Given how non-chalant about it she was, I didn’t think she accepted it.



“Were your parents Shine and Trance?” Celestia asked, receiving a nod from Daxelia, “I saw your parents that night...just before they...” Celestia didn't have the heart to finish her sentence.



Scarlet: “...gave me their address.”

CaptainPipsqueak: ...were able to tell me who the murderer really was.



“...Before they were murdered?” Daxelia asked, finishing the sun princess's statement.

“They had asked me to come to see you the next day, as a birthday gift,” Celestia said, “But by then it was already too late.”

“When I blew out my candles, I wished that I would be able to meet you,” Daxelia said weakly,



Scarlet: GET IT GUYS THE IRONY IS HER WISH CAME TRUE BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY! GET IT?

CaptainPipsqueak: “I was able to see Celestia and all someone had to do was kill my parents! Coolest! Birthday! EVER!”

SC276: Was the hooded pony attempting to avert fate or something? Because Celestia showing up on the same day this chick wished to meet her is too big a coincidence.



“Although, I didn't exactly mean like this. Me barely able to move, and you taking care of me...like mommy would.” Tears then began to form in her eyes at the thought of her parents.



SC276: Whom you showed no signs of actually missing.



“Well, I'm a year late, and it's not the best conditions. But, happy birthday,” Celestia said with a warm smile, “May I ask your name?”



Scarlet: “Are you a boy or a girl?”

SC276: She remembers the murder, and yet did no follow-up, including learning what the victim’s daughter’s name was and she should probably freakin’ do something considering, y’know, her parents are dead? I think my brain is literally trying to eat itself from how stupid everyone in this fic is.



“D...Dax...Daxeli...ia,” Daxelia replied, her exhaustion getting the best of her.

“Well Daxelia, I think you should get some sleep,” Celestia suggested.



SC276: [Celestia] “We’re trying to see if we can get you even dumber.”



Daxelia slowly drifted off to sleep. Her thoughts were that of how kind Celestia has been. She had even saved her life.



SC276: After neglecting to even attempt to locate a missing filly.



She had managed to fall asleep with a smile.



Scarlet: “And afterward, she exploded again.”



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

For the next few days while Daxelia was in the hospital, Celestia was right there with her the whole time.



CaptainPipsqueak:Yeah! FUCK the sun and daylight and shit! A little filly that explodes takes precedence.



She got some food in her system to help her get her energy back, and any injuries she had were minor enough that she was in good enough condition to be released from the hospital.



Scarlet: “Only ten months of malnourishment and a few untreated sprains she put pressure on. She’s fine.”



Celestia had offered for Daxelia to stay with her in Canterlot Castle. Daxelia had accepted that offer. She wished she could go back home...but she no longer had anything there to go back to.



SC276: Could, y’know, figure out where your best friend moved to. That’s a start.



And Celestia was a kind princess.



Scarlet: “Albeit a stupid one.”



It then dawned on her...she was basically being adopted by a princess! When this realization dawned on her, she suddenly became giddy at the thought.



CaptainPipsqueak: Though that might just be the painkillers talking.

SC276: Or the dying brain cells.



She knew that she wouldn't be a princess herself. But that didn't matter to her. It was an exciting idea that very few ponies would even dream of it happening.



Scarlet: Say it with me- so happy she exploded!



X~ ~ ~ ~ ~X

A dark figure was watching in the shadows as Celestia was walking into the castle with Daxelia, “Take good care of her...Celly.”



JofY: *Spits out water.* WHAT!? WHAT!!! BULLSHIT! FUCK YOU STORY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! ARE YOU BLOODY TELLING ME THAT LUNA WAS THE KIDNAPPER!? WHY!? WHY!?! I’M SORRY, BUT FOR WHAT REASON DID LUNA HAVE ABANDONED A FILLY AFTER KIDNAPPING HER!? AND IF YOU DARE TELL ME THAT IT WAS THE LOVE INTEREST FROM A MILLENIA AGO, WELL, HOW CAN HE BE THERE AND SIX FEET UNDER!?!



Author's Note:

Before anyone starts jumping to conclusions, the pony that took Daxelia is not the same pony who murdered her parents.



SC276: ...What? How does that make any sense?! Why the fuck would the one not seeking her harm kidnap her and leave her best friend in possible danger?! And if there’s two ponies, where do the one that murdered the parents go?!



Also, the "9 Years Ago" time frame is referring to 9 years before before the 1st episode of the show.



Scarlet: Thanks, author! Now explain why the police are terrible!

SC276: Why couldn’t you have said that before now?! This fic is most certainly the worst of the batch! The first one was a terrible misguided premise. The second was a confusing choice of narrative style combined with a confusing plot. The third was a troll fic. But this last one… This one is driven by pure stupidity! The title isn’t even accurate; the main character shows no hints of any negative emotion whatsoever after having her parents murdered, being kidnapped to who knows where, taking two months to cross a city, living as a street urchin in a rotting treehouse for a year, and almost dying herself. The rest aren’t any better. The parents leave two five-year-olds alone in their house while they take a walk and don’t even bother to lock the front door. Celestia does not greet or do anything including investigate about a character she senses is malicious, and when she finds the parents dead and the filly missing, she does nothing outside the same tracking spell - which never actually works - repeatedly in terms of effort to find her, to the point she doesn’t recognize her when she finds her almost dead. The best friend also doesn’t try to help in any way. And I don’t even know what the motivations behind the murderer and the kidnapper are; the murderer just kills two ponies because reasons and vanishes into the night never to be seen again, while the kidnapper takes her from her home and leaves her completely unattended with regenerating food in a house with minimal security to keep here there for no readily apparent reason. Everyone in this fic is an idiot! As well, Dax is borderline Mary Sue, with the mixmatched eyes and getting “adopted” by Celestia, what even happened to her by four years when the show starts? As well, the one established trait that could provide at least some unified comedy, her exploding when startled - which the fic explicitly says, I don’t know why you guys kept going as if she just blows up at random - is used just for a surprise party joke, which only serves to paint the parents as greater idiots because they threw a surprise party for the filly they know explodes when surprised!! The only “despair” in “Dax’s Despair” is for the reader!!

Scarlet: Gags aside, I’m not sure if I count Dax as a Mary Sue. If we have to use that label for any character, I vote Obviously the Guardian Angel Character who went around saving her. As much as it’s a fandom in-joke, I never realized that stories with actual red and black alicorn OCs were really a thing. I always thought only one or two actually existed and were funny for the same reasons saying “Shadow the Hedgehog” is pretty much an automatic punchline. Speaking of which, “Shadow the Hedgehog.” There, I riffed every future chapter of this story as well.

SC276: I said “borderline.” Mary Sues usually have more personality than this. At least, they react. And make me feel like strangling them specifically, and not the entire freakin’ cast.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Welcome to the inaugural F/F/T3K15 Community Month. We have no fucking clue how frequent these will be, but this whole month is going to be about 85% user submissions.

Fallen Prime: And he picked them all out. I have no idea what I’m here presenting; I was pulled away from Afterbirth for this.

RingmasterJ5: Aw, don’t rub it in, it’s not coming to PS4 for another month. Anyway, though, that’s the thing: I have no idea what these are either. This is a bit of an experiment/example.

Fallen Prime: Oh, this is going to end in tears.

RingmasterJ5: The following four fics were all submitted to the group’s “Submissions” folder, so apparently some people out there want to see these riffed. Whether they’re riffable or not, I have no idea (well, except for one which me and Fallen have heard of before), but we’re going with them anyway because they’re all short, it’ll clean up the submissions folder for future polls, and hey, community month. First up, we have a pro-human TCB fic called “How an Actual Pony vs. Human War would Go” by HonestAJ4President and submitted by Waterpear.

Crazy56U: ...it ends in 10 minutes because of nukes?



Author's Note:

This is not meant to be taken serious



Crazy56U: Oh, goody!



and I thought of it after reading the 'Something that human vs. pony stories rarely consider' thread on the 'Humans are Superior' group.



Scarlet: I’m with Team Jabberwocky.

SC276: I’m with Team Monokuma.

Sigma: Team Leopluradon for life.

Crazy56U: Team Free Will.

Topher: 4 riffs in, and I’m already lost.

Crazy56U: I was referencing Supernatural. ...fuck knows what the others are referencing...



It made a good point; which thinks faster, a computer of a Tomahawk Missile or a unicorn that is tasked with stopping a Tomahawk Missile, and has never seen a Tomahawk Missile.



Scarlet: The correct answer is why are we waging war on Equestria?

SC276: I would think the right answer is the unicorn because it has a brain, a.k.a. the fastest computer ever conceived by the physical world.

Topher: Also, the unicorn has lasers.

MrSing: Though you couldn’t have a pleasant conversation over dinner with a Tomahawk Missile, it could probably beat you in chess. I heard it sucks at solitaire though.

Crazy56U: ...does this mean I’m technically right with my “10 minutes” guess?



Again, don't take any of this serious. Please excuse my blatant misuse of military equipment.



Scarlet: I refuse.

SC276: If you weren’t planning to use it properly, why include it?

Sigma: I’ll excuse that… But only if I don’t excuse anything else at all, which I wasn’t planning on anyway. So no.

Crazy56U: As long as you don’t accidentally nuke the Moon, we’ll be good…

RJ: Son, I set FIRE to a 2.5 MILLION DOLLAR Humvee. You don’t know a thing about blatant misuse of military equipment.



The 5 Minute Battle



Scarlet: Took place during a speedrun of Fire Emblem.

MrSing: That’s what I call it when I try to go on a diet.

Crazy56U: ...fuck...



A UN meeting was underway when there was a bright flash and a white winged unicorn appeared in front of everyone.



Scarlet: Eh, that’s not unusual. You should sit in on a witch’s council sometimes. Occasionally we get visits from Cthulhu. He’s such a sweetheart!

MrSing: “Get out! You’re going to have to make an appointment just like everyone else.”

Crazy56U: Nice to see you’re gonna take your time and build up to Equestria making its presence known...



"Hello humans. I am Princess Celestia and I have come to rid the multiverse of your scum.



Scarlet: Part of this statement is incompatible with the first bit.

SC276: We come in peace - shoot to kill.

MrSing: “Just put it out on the street next tuesday and we’ll come and get it.”

Crazy56U: Celestia, we don’t care about the household products you’ve come to pitch, go away.

Dark Angel: Does this mean that Celestia is here to take Mykan away?! Please?



You constantly slaughter and lie to each other and destroy your world.



MrSing: Not to mention all the fanfiction.

Dark Angel: Especially Mykan.

SC276: Will you please stop mentioning Mykan?! We’re trying to move past him after

having to deal with that idiocy for four months!

Crazy56U: He will never leave...



I have come to put an end to it.



Scarlet: “Please ignore the fact that I asked my protege and her best buds to reform a chaos god once, and this is clearly not me talking.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I’m your new President for life. Suck it, Trump!”

Topher: Don’t worry, Donald. you still have the prize for craziest hair.



I give you a week to gather your army and then, I will invade."



Scarlet: I guess Pen Stroke isn’t going to be the worst person at writing pony warfare I’ll riff this year.

SC276: Got in just in time too, it’s November.

Sigma: “The invasion will be swift and fluffy.”

MrSing: That is just enough time for the UN to have a meeting about possibly doing something about this.

Crazy56U: And within a week’s time, Equestria would be nuked 15 times over. ...yeah, yeah, I keep bringing up nukes, but come on.



Then there was another flash and 'Princess Celestia' was gone.



Scarlet: Wow, even the text is adding scarequotes around that name now!

Crazy56U: “Princess Celestia” was a pseudonym. Her real name was “Golpear Boca”. ...it’s Spanish...



The Security Council President, Eugene-Richard Gasana,



Scarlet: Why does this guy have a name? Is he important to the story?

Crazy56U: I feel stupid for asking… but is that even a real person.



stood up and said "All in favor of putting all wars on hold to defend ourselves."



Scarlet: I might actually cry that’s so stupid.

Topher: Meanwhile back in reality, the real UN is wondering what the hell was in the water.

MrSing: Is this the plot of “Watchmen”?

Crazy56U: Celestia’s timing couldn’t have been better! Apparently, the United States was in the middle of waging all of the wars!



There was a resounding "Aye."



Scarlet: I am still crying.

Crazy56U: (slides over a box of tissues)



"All opposed," he continued.



Sigma: Me.

Topher: Me.

Bucephalus: Me. Given that we haven’t been told how many people were at the meeting, we still have the possibility of outvoting them.

Scarlet: It’s the UN. No matter what actually gets decided, you know that the US is gonna do what it feels like anyway.

Crazy56U: Nay.



No one said 'Nay'



Crazy56U: Motherfucker, I did.



and he added "Leaders of the world, prepare your armies. We have no idea where the ponies will come through."



Scarlet: So this is a five minute battle because alicorns can apparently teleport into secure facilities full of world leaders without any sort of security response and wreck the room, right?

SC276: I can tell already the author’s gonna say the ponies are gonna win. Even though I’m pretty sure J.K. Rowling said in a battle between a wizard and a muggle with a gun, the muggle wins. ...I’m sure that relates somehow.

Crazy56U: My guess is that they’re going to come through (points off to the right) over there.



A Week Later



RingmasterJ5: “The claim that the battle would only last five minutes was greatly exaggerated.”

Crazy56U: The prequel to 28 Days Later sure is taking some liberties...



NORAD Control



MrSing: They are very serious about not being rad.

Crazy56U: Home of the WOPR.



"Sir, we're picking up something in the Great Plains. Strange flashes and an unexpected storm."



Scarlet: I thought this was an MLP fic, not Gravity Falls!

SC276: Don’t worry, if this was Gravity Falls, the eye of the storm would be triangle-shaped. With an extra hole above one point in the shape of a top hat.

Sigma: I think that someone sent another Terminator back in time.

Crazy56U: Nope, it’s Marty McFly in the DeLorean! He’s come to end this nonsense!



"Get the President on the phone, code red people, code red!"



Scarlet: “HOLY SHIT MR. PRESIDENT, THERE’S INCLEMENT WEATHER IN THE MIDWEST!”

Sigma: “Dear GOD, the Midwest has weather?!”

Crazy56U: “WE’RE OUT OF CODE RED MOUNTAIN DEW!!!”



The Great Plains



SC276: The lousiest screen transitions ever.

MrSing: What’s so great about these plains anyway?

Crazy56U: A textbook oxymoron.



Celestia walked triumphantly out of the portal,



Scarlet: That’s a thing now.

Bucephalus: At this point, I’m fairly certain that Celestia has seven million or so portal devices lying around.

Crazy56U: “while blasting ‘Without Me’ on a boombox.”

RJ: [Celestia] “... ‘Welcome to Nebraska.’ Is that a good thing?”



her army of Royal Guards behind her. Shining Armor was next to her, all with battle armor and weapons made of solid gold.



Scarlet: Someday I’m going to explain the difference between a “guard” and a “soldier”. I’m pretty sure no nation in the world prosecutes its foreign wars with a national guard.

Sigma: “BEHOLD OUR TOTALLY NOT IMPRACTICAL SOLID GOLD POWERS- Oh, shit, they’re all falling over before they can even move.”

MrSing: Ah, the golden sword. You can use to either stab or bribe your enemy. The perfect weapon.

Crazy56U: Oh, goddamnit, I’ve Minecrafted enough to know that they should made diamond swords, damn it, not gold! Gold swords are shit!

Topher: A lesson most players unfortunately learn the hard way.

Bucephalus: Unless you want good enchants. But, then again, nuke beats magic, so...



After all of her 40 thousand soldiers were out of the portal, she used her Royal Canterlot Voice to give a speech.



Scarlet: “I KNOW THIS FANFIC IS SHIT, BUT HOLD FAST! IT PROMISES TO BE A SHORT ONE!”

MrSing: “IF ANYONE ASKS IF WE ARE THERE YET ONE MORE TIME I’M TURNING THIS WAR AROUND!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT SPEECHES... ... ...OKAY, LET’S GO.”

RJ: [Celestia] “ASK NOT WHAT YOUR PRINCESS CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK HOW MANY OF YOU WILL DIE FOR ME.”



"SOLDIERS OF EQUESTRIA! TODAY WE HAVE COME TO THIS DIFFERENT UNIVERSE TO WIPE THE MULTIVERSE OF THEIR SCUM!



Scarlet: ~My Little Pony! Don’t you know humans are better off deeaaaaad~

SC276: That incident of absolute despair that has the overly long sub-name? I thought that started in Japan.

MrSing: “You’ll find your assigned brush under your chair.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “SO I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR MOPS AND SPONGES, THIS PLACE IS FILTHY!”



I AM TALKING ABOUT HUMANS; THEY CONSTANTLY SLAUGHTER AND LIE TO EACH OTHER AND DESTROY THEIR OWN WORLD!



Scarlet: And here you people thought Chatoyance had a strong anti-humanity stance in her fiction.

SC276: Didn’t she already say this? I mean, not right to the U.N., but also to her people before coming to Earth?

Sigma: “And they make porn of us!”

MrSing: I have never lied or murdered anyone and if say that again I’ll shank you and put you on the pile with the others!

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!”



WE WILL BE THE HEROES OF THIS WORLD AND THE MULTIVERSE! YOU WILL ALL BE HONORED IN THE WALLS OF HONOR!"



Scarlet: “WHICH IS APPARENTLY A THING WHICH WE HAVE NOW!”

MrSing: It’s right next to the hall of postmodern art.

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “LOUD NOISES!”



Suddenly a small helicopter loaded with soldiers flew overhead



Crazy56U: “blaring ‘Do You Love Me’ while beginning to gun the ponies down.”



and a general with a megaphone spoke to her.



Scarlet: Because this is totally how modern wars work and a commanding officer would totally expose his ass to aerial reprisal in this way.

Waterpear: No, it makes perfect sense. How else is the top brass going to shout terrible one-liners at each other?

Crazy56U: “Like our kickass helicopter? Surrender now, and we’ll give you it for free!”



"Hello, Princess Celestia. This is your first, and final, warning.



Sigma: “We have McDonald’s here.” “RETREAT! RETREEEEEEAT!”

Crazy56U: “Stop this now so we can end this story on the spot.”



Surrender and go back to your world, we will not follow. Attack and we will open fire.



Scarlet: “Are you taking notes? There will be a test on these terms later. I have asked Private First Class Jenkins to distribute the paper.”

Crazy56U: “Retreat, and we will pursue. And that is how wars work, hope you enjoyed the refresher.”



There are 6 C-130s carrying over 30 M1A2 Abraham tanks, 8 F-35s, 3 A-10s, 6 Apache Attack Helicopters, 10 Sea Knight medium lift helicopters filled with US Marines, and multiple Tomahawk Missiles standing by for launch.



Scarlet: You scrambled Abraham Tanks for use in the Great Plains? While planning to strafe the area with missiles? I’m not a soldier but I’m pretty sure you don’t call in an air strike on the same place you’ve got your own artillery standing!

SC276: I’m pretty sure we got at least one army nut here, or at least someone willing to Google those names. Can someone check those, please?

Topher: On it! *Slams head into keyboard repeatedly* What? It’s clearly how the military is naming their weapons.

RJ: Okay, let the vet here work. No, you wouldn’t fire artillery or an air strike onto your own troops, the F-35 isn’t even out of testing yet, it’s Abrams not Abraham, and even ONE of those wouldn’t fit on a C-130 because it’s too freaking big both in weight AND size. Google your shit son.

MrSing: “Is this the military? Yeah? I’d like an order of five XR-10s with extra cheese on top and a side order of six A56-Ds without any onions.”

Crazy56U: “We also have sticks to poke you with as well, and trust me, the fuckers are sharp.”



Overall, there are over 350 heavily armed soldiers waiting for a war. Do you surrender?"



Scarlet: 350? You were facing extradimensional armies and you brought fewer troops than what the local branch of the national guard probably has garrisoned? Um, yeah, this war will be over in five minutes alright.

Waterpear: It’s like the battle at Thermopylae, except without any of the cool parts.

Bucephalus: This. Is. Crappy Fanfiction!

Crazy56U: Unless those are Captain America-style super soldiers, I don’t really see

how that’s impressive...



"PAH, WE HAVE 40 THOUSAND SOLDIERS, ARMED WITH SOLID GOLD ARMOR AND WEAPONS! YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE!"



Scarlet: Also we have a make-shit-come-to-life spell that we can cast on helicopters. Sucks to be you general!

SC276: Just a Want It Need It on one of their tanks, it’ll be fine.

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “YOU THINK YOUR STICKS SCARE US?! WE HAVE SPEARS, BITCH!”



The pilot could be heard saying "Is she serious?!" in the helicopter.



MrSing: Oh no! They are going to tank the value of gold, disturbing the already frail economy! We surrender!

Crazy56U: [Pilot] “Jesus Christ, tell me she’s not that suicidally stupid…”



The general again spoke into the megaphone "Are you serious? Solid gold armor and weapons."



Scarlet: Dude this is not how you fucking negotiate during wartime- what even am I reading?

SC276: Someone’s played Minecraft, apparently…

Sigma: No, if they played Minecraft, they would be diamond.

Crazy56U: That’s what I’ve been sayin’!!!



"OF COURSE. NOW, IF YOU SURRENDER YOUR DEATH WILL BE QUICK!"



Scarlet: I see that Chrysalis is up to her old tricks again.

Crazy56U: Either that or Celestia is fucking plastered.

Bucephalus: Tell us where the talking llama is… and we’ll burn your house to the ground.

SC276: Um, don’t you mean “or?”



"It's your funeral." was the last thing the general said before reaching for his radio and saying "We are a go." The helicopter flew away and Celestia thought that they were retreating.



Scarlet: Um, no. Why would you think that. A messenger departing back to the lines of their main force was a thing even in ancient warfare. I…. what even?

MrSing: You don’t get it. All the soldiers and tanks were in that one single helicopter.

Crazy56U: Uh….



"SEE, MY SOLDIERS! WE HAVE ALREADY SCARED THEM OFF! COME, WE MARCH!"



SC276: Gheeze, this Celestia is an idiot. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact brand of idiocy before, but it was so stupid my brain scrubbed it to avoid hard disk corruption.

MrSing: Patton she is not.

Crazy56U: ...I stand by my plastered theory.



The USS Missouri, the USS Iowa and the USS New Jersey



SC276: Wait, aren’t these ships? Launching into the middle of the U.S.? What military experience does this author have, DEFCON?

Sigma: I haven’t seen ship placement this bad since Transformers 2.

MrSing: I haven’t seen ships this bad since I last looked at fimfiction.

Crazy56U: I haven’t seen ships this shipped since I shipped them using FedEx. ...ship…

Topher: Um... Additional ship pun.



"Launching Tomahawks."



Scarlet: Yes, fire all of your arsenal at your own soil. At a technologically inferior foe. Brilliant plan! *thumbs-up*

Crazy56U: Luckily I still have this cued up.



Great Plains



MrSing: Bringing you plain great Great Plaines since 1870.

Crazy56U: Greater Values



"Princess, what's that noise?" asked Shining Armor shortly before 3 Tomahawk Missiles struck the 40 thousand soldiers, many of which died. "WHAT IN TARTARUS WAS THAT!" shouted Shining.



Scarlet: That, my friend, is the smell of bullshit in the morning. *takes a deep whiff* Mmm… smells like victory.

Crazy56U: (sniff sniff) ...what smells like burnt glue?

Topher: Sorry, I decided to try smoking glue instead of sniffing it. Didn’t work. Also all the horses that just got nuked to oblivion.



"Simply human magic, my general. Nothing to fear."



Scarlet: Holy shit! It is Chrysalis!

Crazy56U: ...now, technically, technically, Celestia isn’t wrong. Explosions are caused by science, and science can be considered to be akin to magic...



replied shortly before a 6 large, flying objects were seen in the distance.



MrSing: I always knew the military was hiding air whales from the rest of us.

Crazy56U: Well, apparently sky sharks exist, so why not.

Bucephalus: Nuke... the Whales!



5 smaller objects dropped out of the back of each. Shortly after the large objects flew overhead. "Pegasi, destroy them."



Scarlet: No, you fool! It’s a bullet hell pattern! You have to ignore the complexity and focus on the small area around your hitbox or you’ll never survive!

Waterpear: The objects had verbs done to them by the subjects.

Crazy56U: Well… things will be destroyed, and the pegasi are involved, so...



"Yes, ma'am."



Crazy56U: “I’m always down for a suicide mission!”



The pegasi in the army took off and approached the large objects. Suddenly, many of the pegasi were shred to pieces and a smaller flying objects shot by.



SC276: ...I’m not sure what to say to this. This is the stupidity that would fail the tutorial case of Ace Attorney games.

Crazy56U: ...so, they were hit with flying lawnmowers?



"Ma'am, I believe that we should retreat." suggested Shining.



Crazy56U: [Shining] “You know, maybe enough of our forces have died to make this a

pointless mission, you think?”



"No, my general, they are just getting lucky." replied Celestia.



SC276: Yeah. Lucky. Hitting 40k guys in 3 shots is “lucky.”

MrSing: Praise RNGesus!

Crazy56U: And on that note!



After a few seconds, Shining replied "Ma'am, all the pegasi are dead.



Scarlet: “Though to be fair none of them were apparently capable of moving fast enough to leave contrails in the sky to compete with flying machines, so not really much of a loss. Why didn’t we bring the Wonderbolts, again?”

Crazy56U: [Shining] “The fuck is wrong with you.”



We are taking massive casualties and it has only been 3 minut- wait, what's that rumbling?"



Crazy56U: My guess? More incoming death.



Then a row of 6 columns of Abrahams came into view over the horizon, about a mile away.



Crazy56U: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeep.



In the Distance



MrSing: I’m just waiting for the fic to slip up and say “somewhere over there” as one of the locations.

Crazy56U: If it does, I’m suing for plagiarism.



"Alright boys. Intel says that the opposition has solid gold armor, this should be easy. What's the plan?" asked a commander of a lead tank.



Scarlet: “Intel”? Wh- I… you overheard this shit! It was all shouted at you! How on earth did you confirm it?

Waterpear: Intel says they’re gold, but AMD thinks it’s just painted steel.

MrSing: “Our tanks are solid lead. We have the advantage.”

Crazy56U: “Eh, I think our current plan of missiles is working just fine, to be frank…”



"BLITZKRIEG!" shouted most of the commanders.



Scarlet: What the fuck? The Major’s in this now? Shit, I don’t have time to fight vampire nazis during this riff!

Waterpear: There’s always time to fight vampire nazis. Just spar with one or two a day and you’ll knock ‘em all out in no time.

Crazy56U: ...so, just keep killing, then?



"Fuck yeah, BLITZKRIEG!" shouted the commander as he ordered all tanks to charge and call in air support.



Scarlet: So you’re charging straight into the area… where you’re asking your air support to fire tons of ordnance… and...that is not how you do a coordinated strike!

Waterpear: That is not how you do a coordinated fanfic.

Bucephalus: That is how you throw a victory in any strategy game ever.

Crazy56U: “I FUCKING LOVE THAT SONG!”



Back to Ponies



MrSing: I’m watching you, fic.

Crazy56U: Yes, back to the slaughter.



"Ma'am, the metal carriages are advancing. Orders?" said Shining Armor, visibly looking for a place to run.



SC276: Well you could have the unicorns levitate those things onto their side.

Sigma: Or make a wall of death, maybe a couple mosh pits.

Crazy56U: Or… make a shield?



"This is where we turn the tide; FORM A DEFENSIVE LINE! WE WILL STOP THOSE MONSTROSITIES HERE!" said Celestia in her Royal Canterlot Voice.



SC276: Or, y’know, the stupid option.

Waterpear: Always take the stupid option. It’s the smart thing to do.

Crazy56U: ...hmm... Let’s get Speed Racer’s take on this stupidity:



Bucephalus: Geez. Why hasn’t Equestria been killed in the past ten thousand years Celestia has been in charge? Oh yeah… she actually knows how to run things.



The 3,000 ponies remaining formed the line when a large amount of smoke was ejected from the barrel of one of the tanks.



MrSing: “Stop smoking in there Private Jenkins!”

Crazy56U: Well, at least that smoke isn’t on the water, lest we have fire in the sky...



Shortly afterward, there was a massive explosion and many more of the ponies died.



SC276: Did Celestia just forget to pack unicorns or something? My closest experience to wargames is Darwinia, and I would’ve known to get away from that shit!

Scarlet: Why aren’t we out of ponies yet? I guess solid gold armor can tank Tomahawk fire!

Waterpear: Yes, in much the same way that jet fuel cannot melt steel beams.

Crazy56U: To immerse yourself in this story, hit your hand with a hammer every time ponies die.



More tanks fired and more ponies were blown to hell. "Teleport to Canterlot?" asked Shining.

"Teleport to Canterlot." agreed Celestia.



SC276: “Run away!” “RUN AWAY!”

Crazy56U: “Ahhh?” “AHHHHHHHHHH!”



"WE WILL BE BACK HUMANS, AND THEN WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" There was a flash and Celestia and Shining were gone.



Scarlet: TEAM CELESTIA’S BLASTING OFF AGAIIIIIIIIN! (ding!)

Waterpear: Team Celestia makes Team Rocket look competent. At least the Rockets knew that rubber gloves were a thing. OOCelestia would probably eat the gloves.

MrSing: I’ll get you next time, Inspector Gadget. Next time!

Crazy56U: They went back to Canterlot to shit themselves in fear.



One of the ponies noticed this and said "THOSE MOTHERBUCKERS!". He was then teleported to the moon, however, a SABOT round that was about to ruin his day came with him.



SC276: That makes even less sense than the rest of the fic.

Scarlet: Apparently Celestia can banish surly unicorns to the moon, but not members of invading armies or their weaponry.

MrSing: It only works if you swear.

Crazy56U: Well, that just makes no goddamn- aw, fuck, that was so stupid, Speed Racer’s freaking out now:





"RETREAT TO THE PORTAL!" shouted a lieutenant unicorn,



SC276: OK, you have unicorns, why not use Magic Missile?!

MrSing: They only prepared charm spells. Intel fucked up on the mission briefing.

Crazy56U: “RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!”



the only remaining officer in the once 40,000 strong army that was now only 376 ponies.



Scarlet: I… got nothing. This is a “humor” fic about the fact that thousands were slaughtered. Pen Stroke, I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t know… I… I didn’t know.

Sigma: So this is why cancer exists.

MrSing: It’s all fun and games until a massacre happens. Then it’s hilarious.

Crazy56U: And this is what Celestia gets for not researching shit before waging a war. ...and what the author gets for not researching shit before writing shit.



There were only earth ponies and unicorns left, as all the pegasi had been killed trying to stop the A-10s that were continuously strafing them.



SC276: We already know all the pegasi are dead, stop repeating yourself!

Scarlet: The funeral will be held after massive pogroms against the US are conducted by a vengeful Discord.

Crazy56U: ...I-I think I missed something, was it mentioned before that that’s what those were?



They barely made it a sixteenth of the way before all of them were killed. Celestia, sitting safe and sound in her throne room, sensed this and entered the mindscape



MrSing: The number one new MMORPG in all of Equestria.

Crazy56U: Which is code for “she took a hit off of her bong”.



to see the possibilities of her victory in the Multiverse.



SC276: Yeah, sure, why not. This is a fic where unicorns forgot they could magic.

Scarlet: And Pegasi forgot how to manipulate the weather, and ponies didn’t exhibit a single ancient tactic of war, and Celestia decided to commit xenocide for no good reason other than “fuck humans”, and yeah whatever.

Crazy56U: And then Celestia imagined “The Conversion Bureau”. She promptly smashed her bong in fear.



After an hour of searching, she discovered for every 1 where she got to the outskirts of a city, there were another million where her forces were slaughtered and even that was generous, as all the universes where she got to a city she didn't visit the UN meeting and announce her plan. It appeared that she would never wipe the multiverse clean of humanity.



Scarlet: Wait wait wait what? Not just this universe, but every universe? Bullshit! What about the universe where humans were conquered by apes? What a- do you even know what a multiverse is I just how do you even nerd?

Topher: There’s even a universe where a bunch of guys sit in an unknown location and say silly things about silly stories, and occasionally do silly things. That’s how silly you can go with a multiverse.

MrSing: I don’t want to visit that universe, it sounds stupid.

Crazy56U: What about the universe where man evolved from corn?!



However, she realized that maybe, just maybe, humanity was a necessary evil.



SC276: Where else can Nuzlocke comic makers get fresh tears?

MrSing: We do make some good hamburgers.

Crazy56U: And Netflix was a beneficial thing we made…

Bucephalus: Hear that guys? She’s excusing our existence. We are now vindicated.

Topher: Yaaay.



They had advanced more than her ponies ever would, reached the moon without magic



MrSing: We didn’t even have to swear to get there. We still did though, but we didn’t have to.

Crazy56U: Well, depending on who you ask, while it wasn’t magic per say, apparently Buzz Aldrin made a deal with a demon so he could into space.

Bucephalus: One small step for- damn. Forgot my lunch.



and were discovering the inner workings of the universe. Maybe she could find a universe where she didn't try to invade and be friendly with them.



Crazy56U: (scoff) As if that’s possible.



'Yes that's it.' she said to herself 'I wouldn't be a very good leader if I didn't do what is best for my little ponies. I must try again.'



SC276: And again. And again. And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again-

Crazy56U: Celestia, you dirty ratt.



Then she realized that something had crossed into her universe.



MrSing: My god. Two crossovers in one fic. No one deserves that.

Crazy56U: It was shrimp. A lot of shrimp.



She knew it couldn't be any survivors, so she looked out the large window and saw a large tube flying towards the castle.



MrSing: A military grade hotdog.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a ketchup bottle)



'Great,' she thought to herself, 'I decided to change my ways and they decided to nuke me.



SC276: By this fic’s own logic, how does she know what a nuke is?

Crazy56U: She sobered up just long enough to realize what the fuck is happening, that’s why.

Bucephalus: Whatever happened to that whole unbelievably powerful levitation that we’ve seen both her and several other unicorns display?

Topher: You’d think that with power that can move THE SUN, it would be easy to stop a missile.



Sometimes the Multiverse isn't fair.' She, as well as Canterlot, was vaporized by a nuclear explosion.



Crazy56U: And thus, we finally get a nuke.



THE END

Or is it?



Sigma: It better be.

MrSing: This Fallout: Equestria prequel sucks!

Crazy56U: Nope, it is, everything’s nuked, night night!



Probably is but it's the multiverse.



Scarlet: Given infinite time and infinite fragments, at least one exists where a miracle takes place. And this story isn’t terrible.

Crazy56U: Because it never got made.

SC276: Well at least we’re done for the week-

RingmasterJ5: Next are two fics actually submitted by their authors. First up, is “An Elegant Friendship” by Cora Zone Unicorn.

SC276: ...oh, right.

MrSing: I wonder if there is a multiverse where good fanfiction exists.

Bucephalus: Sure there is. But we’re in fanfic purgatory and can never go there.

Crazy56U: Already, I don’t have I hopes...



It was a beautiful, sunny day. The birds were chirping, children were playing, and you could practically hear some peaceful music playing.



Scarlet: and the pants were growing and the sun was almost down from the top of sky.

SC276: “It was a beautiful, sunny day” is the “It was a dark and stormy night” of pony fiction.

MrSing: Hell, complaining about the “It was a beautiful, sunny day” has become the “It was a beautiful, sunny day” of riffing.

Bucephalus: What a day. What a lovely day.

Crazy56U: You made me do this, Narrator.

Topher: “All except Rainbow Dash, who-” Wait, wrong fanfic. Same generic opening, though.



All and all, it was just the best day for a nice and peaceful picnic with a group of friends.



Sigma: But it is not this day.

MrSing: Where can I buy these “friend” things that everyone keeps talking about?

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, two bears watched from a distance, ready to strike. One wore a hat and a tie, the other a bow tie.



“Ugh! Where is Fluttershy?!”



Scarlet: Judging by our last riff, trying to recover from the trauma of being shipped with Rhymey.

Crazy56U: Probably locking Angel in the “Time Out Closet” so she can go outside and do things.



Well… almost peaceful…



SC276: Ha ha, low-key meta humor.

MrSing: Well... almost humor…

Crazy56U: Narrator, cut your shit.



Rainbow Dash facehoofed, while the others groaned in annoyance.



Sigma: “Why do we have to be in a bad fanfic when she gets out of it?”

Crazy56U: Everyone is getting sick of Rainbow’s shit? (opens a can of Diet Coke) ...is this the prequel to “A Friendship Broken By Loyalty”? (begins drinking)



“She’ll be here soon, Discord,”



Crazy56U: (chokes on Diet Coke)

Topher: OH GOD NO.



the pegasus reassured him, probably more annoyed with the draconequus’s whining than the others.



Scarlet: Am I reading a fanon version of “Make New Friends But Keep Discord” written before the actual episode?

Crazy56U: Either that, or the author is a prophet that got some details wrong.



“But we’ve been waiting for ages,” Discord complained.



SC276: And already we’re going to hell.

Crazy56U: Already?



“We’ve only been waiting for five minutes,” Applejack corrected him, her unamused expression matching the tone in her voice.



Scarlet: *produces a button reading ‘laugh track’ and presses it*

Crazy56U: I post this without comment.



Not liking the tone that came out of the southern belle’s mouth, he snapped the fingers on his lion paw.



MrSing: “Oh god! The pain! Why did I do that!?”

Crazy56U: “And then Applejack turned into a box of Corn Pops.”



In a flash, the hat upon her head transformed from a Stetson, to a giant half orange peel carcass that overtook her entire head and soaking her in orange juice.



SC276: … *shrugs* Eh.

Scarlet: Should’ve turned it into a watermelon, or possibly a pickled beet. Both equally family-friendly, but somehow funnier.

Sigma: Or, just made her hat vanish completely and send her into a blood rage, as my headcanon states that her hat is her true brain. Don’t try to use facts against me, I’m behind seven proxies and multiple FiMFiction alts.

Crazy56U: ...or you could’ve turned her into Corn Pops…

Topher: I’m with Crazy on this one. Corn Pops are awesome.



Pinkie Pie broke out into a fit of laughter,



MrSing: It was about something completely unrelated though.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, the LSD kicked in.



whilst Rarity simply scooted away from Applejack as far as she could to keep herself from being touched from the stickiness of the fruit juice. Twilight glared at draconequus.



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Discord! How could you? You know that gag’s beyond stale in fanon by now!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Great! Now we have to give Applejack another bath!”



“Discord! What was that for?”



Sigma: “I mean, besides being a redneck!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “We could’ve eaten that orange! The fuck?!”



“She was being rude to me,” he explained, crossing his arms together.



SC276: Believe me, I wish I could turn the headgear of the people that annoy me into orange peels.

Scarlet: I can’t do that, but I can do nasty things using this orange peeler!

Crazy56U: ...then why an orange? If Applejack really offended you so much that you’d drop shit on her head, you could’ve used something worse an orange:



Topher: WHAT THE DEVIL DICKENS DIDDLY DOODAH FUCK AM I WITNESSING?!



“Get this darn thing off of me,” Applejack demanded, having a hard time getting the giant peel off of her head due to how slippery and sticky her hooves were.



Scarlet: All the people who subscribed to the “AJ’s hat is a memento” fanon are crying harder than they did during that last Manehattan episode.

MrSing: That hat was made from her father’s skin? That’s pretty brutal.

Crazy56U: ... (coughratedRcough)



“No,” he protested, his face turning into a pout. He then opened one eye, looking in the country mare’s direction. “Not until you apologize for your rudeness towards me.”



Scarlet: Discord- secretly the average five year old.

MrSing: I hate it when five year olds turn my things into fruit.

Crazy56U: Yeah, you expect that shit from three year olds.



The country pony sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Discord gave a little smirk before snapping his lion paw once again. A bright flash of light appeared, immediately getting rid of the giant fruit peel.



Scarlet: It was replaced by a moray eel named Lenny.

Crazy56U: (groan) Goddamnit, I fucking hate that guy...



With a sigh of relief, Applejack wiped her forehead, only to find out very quickly that she was still soaked in orange juice. “Hey,” shouted the mare, “I’m still covered in juice.”



Crazy56U: W-we know.



“You just told me to get the peel off of your head,” he pointed out. “You didn’t asked to be cleaned up as well.”



SC276: This is kinda OK, but also somewhat predictable.

Scarlet: It’s like a thin haze of competency concealing… nothing. It’s filling space.

Crazy56U: I have a feeling that the original story barely fit on a notecard, and so the author padded the fuck out of it to get up to 1k words.



The orange pony groaned whilst the draconequus stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry.



SC276: Fruit, everywhere.

Scarlet: Was the author writing this before lunch or something?

Sigma: Plot twist, the author’s lunch wrote this.

Crazy56U: Either that, or the author is drunk on fruit punch...



The rest of the ponies glared at him; all except for Pinkie Pie, who was still laughing uncontrollably.



MrSing: Pinkie “no empathy” Pie.

Crazy56U: Pinkie must of doubled down on the LSD, t-that can’t be healthy.



Discord smiled wickedly in victory until a familiar voice spoke from behind him.



Scarlet: “Seven Days.”

Sigma: “KONO DIO DA!”

MrSing: “Driver’s license and registration, please.”

Crazy56U: “GET ON WITH IT!”



“Um… did we miss anything?”



Crazy56U: Surprisingly not really, Voice.



His face automatically froze.



Crazy56U: FUCK, now we gotta reboot him...



He knew that voice anywhere. It was the voice that always seemed to calm him down whenever he was in a fit of rage. A voice that belonged to the one pony that he could tell anything to.



SC276: How long is this fic again? I’m pretty sure we don’t have time for purple prose.

Scarlet: A bunch of Celesticord shippers are about to be very disappointed.

Sigma: “It was John Freeman.”

Crazy56U: It was his meth dealer.



He turned around to see just the pony he was waiting for.



Scarlet: “Tree Hugger!”

Sigma: I still think of a hippie Xenomorph hatchling when I hear that name.

Crazy56U: But, instead, it was one of the bears.



“Fluttershy,” he said, with huge grin on his face.



Scarlet: I was close!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a “You Tried” sticker) Here, you earned it.

Topher: Way to go Scarlet! Soon you’ll have as many of those as me! *pulls out a binder about eight inch thick*



The little ends of the white tuft on his tail snapped, making Applejack clean as a whistle.



Crazy56U: ...because, why the fuck not, really...



He then picked up the little yellow pegasus. “Oh, it’s about time you got here,” he exclaimed, pulling her into a hug. “I was getting awfully irritated.”



Scarlet: He has an itch only Fluttershy can scratch and oh god I’ve edited too many clopfics.

Crazy56U: (pats Scarlet on the back) There, there...

Sigma: DARF FLASHBACKS INCOMING.



“That’s a bit of an understatement, darling,” Rarity said.



SC276: No, “awfully irritated” is not getting a costume ready for Halloween in time. What Discord has done in this fic is “mild annoyance.”

Crazy56U: Cue the Seinfeld theme.



He rolled his eyes, ignoring Rarity’s comment. It was then that a certain thought struck him. He released the mare from his embrace, facing her directly. “Wait a minute, did you say ‘we?’”



Scarlet: Motherfucker, this is-

MrSing: Fluttershy is royalty?

Crazy56U: Fluttershy has a split personality.



Fluttershy nodded her head, her wings flapping in the air. “I invited a good friend of mine to join us.”



SC276: Was this before “Make New Friends but Keep Discord?” I’m guessing it was.

Scarlet: Hey, I was about to make that riff! We’re low on material here!

SC276: I don’t think we replenished enough from last week…

Sigma: Just drink some prune juice, it produces the same effect.

Bucephalus: Interestingly enough, this was published several months after Make New Friends but Keep Discord. Spin the wheel and pick your reason.

Crazy56U: That isn’t proving me wrong, Fluttershy...



Discord’s right eye twitched a bit. She invited a friend, he asked himself. Another one? It’s bad enough I have to sit through a picnic with all the others, but a new one?



Crazy56U: Is the Narrator still telling us Discord’s thoughts, or are they venting now?



He looked downward to see that there was indeed another pony along with Fluttershy.



Scarlet: Apparently Discord has very selective blindness.

MrSing: The pony was actually three inches tall.

Crazy56U: It’s okay, Discord. Just dump them in that sock puppet dimension...



She was an earth pony with a grey fur coat and perfectly well-groomed raven mane that seemed to shine in Celestia’s sunlight. The most notable thing about her, however, was that she wore a pink bowtie around her neck.



Scarlet: Alright, place your bets: snobby Octavia, classy Octavia with minimal stuffiness, or- my personal favorite- Octavia OCD?

SC276: It honestly took me awhile to remember there’s a canon pony with that design.

Bucephalus: Classy. Nobody would try and hook up Fluttershy with the other two. Right?

Crazy56U: I’m personally fond of Russian Octavia. It’s one of the few things about

“Discorded Whooves” I actually liked...



Oh, I do hope she not one of those snooty ponies from Canterlot, Discord thought to himself.



SC276: ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sigma: you have no chance to survive make your time

Crazy56U: ...so, in other words, you hope she isn’t from Canterlot?



Setting herself down next to the young mare, Fluttershy spoke.



Scarlet: Is anyone else thinking that the story of how Fluttershy met Octavia and befriended someone outside the Mane 6 circle would be more interesting than this story?

SC276: Yes, though to be fair, most fics would be more interesting this story.

Crazy56U: Here’s an example of one.



"Everypony, this is my friend Octavia.



Scarlet: “Hi, Octavia!”

Sigma: “My name is Octavia, and I’m an alcoholic…”

Crazy56U: “Uh, this isn’t an AA meeting… That’s Friday…”

Topher: Is it, or is it that you guys can’t admit you have a problem?



Octavia, these are my friends Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack,” she said, gesturing to each one of them and giving them brief moments wave “hello” to the mare. “And this is Discord,” she said, with a wide grin on her face.



Scarlet: It must be really awkward introducing your friends to the chaos elemental you know. “This is Jeff, Sally, Lashawnda- oh and that’s Manixl, the tenth-dimensional squamata-human hybrid we met at the Smoothie King last week!”

SC276: They said Seattle’s best. Also, you’d think Octavia would know, given she would’ve been in the area when Discord hit Ponyville at the start of season 2.

Crazy56U: She probably repressed that incident. And she should, because fuck “Return of Harmony”...



She thought she would save the best for last, in her opinion.



Crazy56U: I don’t know who this is more of a burn on...



Octavia gave them all a slight nod, smiling. “It is very nice to meet each and every one of you,” she said, a sultry British accent escaping her lips.



Scarlet: Well now I know what accent you find sexy, author.

Sigma: Do ponies have British?

MrSing: “Ey govenuh. Care for a spot o’ tea? Me mum made it ‘erself with leafs off the ground, she did.”

Crazy56U: Damn it, I wanted Russian...



“Fluttershy has told me so much about you.” She lifted her head to look Discord in the eyes. “Especially you, Discord.”



SC276: [Octavia] “Granted, most of them were dismissing rumors…”

MrSing: “I heard a rumor that you’re a dumbass. Is that true?”

Crazy56U: [Octavia] “She says that after you guys met for the first time, you got stoned? What’s that about?”



A slight shade of red appeared across Fluttershy’s face, which he saw and had a huge grin spread across his face.



Scarlet: The Celesticord fans may be preparing to invade our riffspace. I have taken the liberty of bolting the… do we have doors?

SC276: Well we used to have windows…

Sigma: Hah. What can they do from the internet?

Crazy56U: Bad things. Duh.

Bucephalus: They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… our riffing abilities!



“Oh, you have, have you,” he teased her, his body encircling the pegasus like a serpent.



Scarlet: Oh no we are not transitioning into vore, I’VE SEEN DEVIANTART I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS!

Sigma: It’s happening, Scarlet, accept it.

MrSing: Don’t think of it as vore, think of it as hugging someone from the inside.

Crazy56U: (quietly prepares a barf bag)



She felt her face become hot as fifty



Sigma: -Shades of Grey?

Crazy56U: (punches Sigma)



glasses of steaming apple cider.



Crazy56U: That’s… an obscene amount of cider...



“U-uh…” she stammered, her blushing becoming more apparent. “So, how about lunch,” she asked, rather quickly.

“Yes, please,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, almost out of relief. “I’m starving!”



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Anything to finish this story quicker!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I’m literally 10 seconds away from eating Pinkie, and the amount of sugar in her system will probably kill me…”

Topher: I THOUGHT WE AGREED, NO VORE!



The group of friends sat on the red and white checkered blanket in the middle of the local park. There were daisy and dandelion sandwiches, chocolate chip muffins, apple juice, and some of Fluttershy’s famous tea cakes as set up on the fabric.



Scarlet: Brian Jacques wandered into the story for a brief moment, nodded his head in approval, and wandered out to return to his woodland-trifle filled afterlife.

MrSing: I think the author was more interested in snacks than romance. I also approve.

Crazy56U: Okay, Octavia’s British and Fluttershy made tea cakes; quick question, is the author British?

SC276: Check how he spells the word “color.”



Throughout the picnic they were some jokes told by Pinkie Pie, Twilight and Rainbow Dash getting into an intense debate about which of the Daring Do book were the best,



SC276: That literally couldn’t wait until you could avoid collateral fanrage?

Scarlet: Nope! All fanrage must be vicious and public! The internet commands it!

Crazy56U: Hey, as long as Twilight doesn’t pull a knife on Rainbow again, I’m sure things will work out...



and Discord talking about adventure he and Fluttershy had with the CMC a few months back.



SC276: That’s from the comics, isn’t it? I need to catch up on those sometime…

Crazy56U: I-I wouldn’t recommend doing that, just FYI...



“So, Octavia,” Rarity began, “how did you and Fluttershy meet?”



Sigma: “Through online dating.”

Crazy56U: [Octavia] “Chatroulette. She was a major improvement over the obscene amount of penis.”



“Yeah, I mean you’re one of the most elegant ponies in probably all of Equestria,” Pinkie Pie said, stuffing a chocolate chip muffin in her mouth.



Scarlet: Rarity said nothing, but locked her feelings away in the secret garden she constructed in her heart. In time she would release that dark emotion. But not now.

Crazy56U: Rarity was already planning on how to get away with turning Pinkie into a pair of slippers.



“Well, let’s face it guys, Fluttershy is pretty elegant herself,” Rainbow Dash pointed out. Everypony murmured in agreement, causing a light shade of pink to form on the pegasus’s cheeks.



SC276: Fluttershy’s a real blusher in this one, isn’t she…

Crazy56U: Well, it’s either blushing or running away in fear...



Octavia chuckled. “Well, Fluttershy and I actually met in a music class, I believe back when I first moved to Ponyville. Isn’t that right?”



Scarlet: ...huh. Well, she does have the whole singing voice thing… but… wait, Fluttershy signing up for a class that requires constant social interaction? I don’t even suffer from severe anxiety and I avoid people like the plague when I’m not working!

Bucephalus: This makes no sense. If anyone needs me, I’m going to be looking for continuity in the trash can.

Crazy56U: How do you know she took a music class for singing? She probably took it so she could learn how to play the accordion, or something...



Fluttershy nodded her head, confirming the explanation. “That’s right.”

“Music class? You took a music class, Fluttershy,” Applejack asked, surprised to find out this new information.



Scarlet: Hey, that’s what I said!

Crazy56U: That was literally brought up two sentences ago, Applejack, we know.



“Yes, I did, Applejack.”

“But I thought you hated performing in public,” Rainbow Dash asked, slightly confused.

“I’m slowly getting over it…” she mumbled softly.



SC276: Also, not all music requires performing in public necessarily. I mean, c’mon, I’m not going to drag our electric keyboard out into the street to play for people. ...OK, I don’t actually know how to play the keyboard, but the point still stands!

Scarlet: Shit, I was going to ask if we could form a garage band and do nothing but Rainbooms covers.

Sigma: I can play drums… But unless it’s metal, rock, or maybe the first Stardust Crusaders opening, I can’t help you.

MrSing: I’m a beast at playing the triangle.

Crazy56U: ...does clapping count as playing a musical instrument? Because I can do that…

Topher: Does your rock band require a tuba?



“Well, she and I were the only ones taking the class at the time,”



MrSing: It wasn’t so much a class as it was the two of them having lunch in the same classroom.

Crazy56U: Come on, now. A music class of only two students isn’t really a class. At best, it’s a really sad get-together with a soundtrack.



Octavia said, clarifying all the confusion as best as she can.



SC276: Well, at least it’s not a college class?

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Octavia unintentionally caused more confusion.



“I was practicing on the cello, and she was actually taking lessons on the violin. Though, I never really understood why considering she’s a complete natural,” the British mare complemented.



Scarlet: Violin lessons? Wait, isn’t Fluttershy canonically a natural singer? Wouldn’t it make mo- god I’m nitpicking so hard! Harder than usual!

MrSing: She’s a natural at it, you know, having no fingers and all.

Crazy56U: Fuck you, Author, I say Fluttershy would prefer the accordion.



“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” Discord said, bringing his lion paw and eagle claw in mid-air gesturing for them to stop.



SC276: ...I feel the need to say something here, but I can’t think of what.

MrSing: I haven’t heard this much “whoa”s since my last Keanu Reeves movie.

Crazy56U: Funny, it reminds me of Shia Labeouf.

Bucephalus: Hey, Discord agrees with us.



“Violin? There’s no way she plays the violin. Frankly, Fluttershy you’ve never even told me you could play.”

“Yeah, Fluttershy, why haven’t you told us,” Twilight asked, curious to hear the rest.

“Oh, well… I-I didn’t think you would want to hear me play a silly little instrument.



SC276: It’s a violin. That’s, like, the definitive high-brow instrument.

Scarlet: From now on, future references to the violin will be accompanied by me citing instructions from “The Faerie’s Aire and Death Waltz.”

Sigma: Even Fluttershy wouldn’t call the goddamn violin a silly little instrument.

Crazy56U: Twilight is a music snob, apparently… ...like, a very odd music snob...



Besides, I’m not that great.”

Octavia scoffed at Fluttershy’s comment. “Don’t be so modest, Fluttershy. I’m sure they would love to hear you play.”



Scarlet: “Through the frog.”

MrSing: “PLAY FREEBIRD!”

Crazy56U: “Through the Fire and the Flames!!!”



“Yes, darling, we’d absolutely love for you to play for us,” Rarity said, encouragingly.

“Can you play for us right now,” Pinkie Pie asked, getting really excited.

“O-oh, well, Octavia and I haven’t brought our instruments,” the pegasus said regretfully.



Scarlet: “Release the penguins.”

Crazy56U: THE END.



“Allow me to help you with that, my dear,” Discord said, bowing in a sort of elegant manner.



Crazy56U: Aw fuck...



A bright flash of light suddenly appeared out of nowhere once the draconequus snapped a couple of his fingers that were on his eagle claw.



SC276: Talon. It’s called a talon, author.

MrSing: But claw sounds so much more rad.

Crazy56U: Please say that flash means the end of the world as we know it? I’d feel fine about that.



In a millisecond, a cello and bow appeared appeared in Octavia’s hooves, whilst a violin and another bow appeared in Fluttershy’s.



SC276: Then a family of acorn-headed squirrels scurried out of them and disappeared into the brush.

Scarlet: “Above the frog”

MrSing: The shockwave of the air being pushed away knocked them out cold.

Crazy56U: (loud groan)



Shocked, the shy pony lifted her head, looking her chaotic friend in the eyes. “Really, Discord?”

“Hey, if she says that you’re a natural, I want to be able to witness it myself.”

A bright smile appeared across her fair and gentle face. She then quickly gave him a hug before flying over to the earth pony’s side.



SC276: Does this fic have a point yet? I’m suffering Danganronpa withdrawal because I haven’t experienced anything in like fifteen minutes and I can’t tell.

Scarlet: Allow me to make up for that withdrawal by kicking you in the liver while simultaneously patting you gently on the head while you solve a logic puzzle.

Bucephalus: All that will achieve is you ending up kicking him in the liver and in the head. Don’t you know that whole rule of ‘can’t pat your head and rub your tummy?’

Crazy56U: I think the closest thing to a point this story has is that orange from the

start.



The rest of the girls and Discord made themselves comfortable on the picnic blanket while the two of them were setting themselves up.



MrSing: I always have to assemble myself too before singing.

Crazy56U: Isn’t it a bitch when you spontaneously fall apart into pieces?



Octavia stood up on her hind legs, placing her bow on the strings of the cello. She glanced over at Fluttershy, who had properly placed her chin on the chinrest. “Ready?”



Scarlet: Jam Buddies time!

MrSing: Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

Crazy56U: Here, got it cued up.



The pegasus hesitated for a moment, suddenly becoming nervous. Sure, she would just be performing in front of her friends again, and Discord for the very first time, but what if she forgot the notes to something? What if she just froze entirely? What if her friends didn’t like the way she played?



SC276: Together now: What if my beard were made of green spinach?

Scarlet: Then my mobile fortress would proudly wear it and become the defender of all things delicious and green!

Crazy56U: When in doubt, Fluttershy, just pull a Pete Townshend and smash the violin at the end.



She looked over to all of her friends who were looking directly at the two of them. They all gave her encouraging smiles and gestures for her to go on ahead and play something.



MrSing: A few of them were drawing their hoofs across their necks.

Crazy56U: Pinkie was not so subtly mouthing the words “You’re gonna blow it.”



It wasn’t until she looked over to the draconequus on the far right. No words came out of his mouth but a gentle smile and a wink from the eye.



SC276: This Discord is not nearly Discord enough.

Scarlet: John DeLancie was unavailable as a consultant.

Crazy56U: Instead, they got the guy who played Q’s son in “Q2”.



A scarlet color



SC276: Oh hey Scarlet look, it’s you!

Scarlet: Huh. What am I doing here?

MrSing: Not the real Scarlet, but an incredible simulation.

Crazy56U: Dude, I think Scarlet should sue for copyright infringement, they’re using her image without consent...



took over her face as she smiled.



Scarlet: OH GOD I TOOK OVER FLUTTERSHY’S FACE I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW.

Crazy56U: ...then stop doing that.



Feeling a slight boost of confidence, she nodded her head to the grey mare, implying that she was ready.



Scarlet: Back! Back, Celesticord shippers! I am in no way connected to this! It wasn’t me!

Crazy56U: Scarlet’s lying! ATTACK!



Octavia began to move her bow across the strings of her instrument. A low, haunting melody taking over the park as she continued to play.



MrSing: Spooky.

Crazy56U: Anyway, here’s more Wonderwall.



The haunting melody soon took a different turn once Fluttershy began to move her bow across the strings of her violin.



SC276: I forgot, is she using her wing, or…?

Scarlet: I choose to believe that this jam session abruptly turns into “Come On Eileen”.

Crazy56U: My hope is for “Jordan”.



Just from the first couple of the notes that she had played on her instrument, each and every one of her friends were stunned at how indeed of a natural she was. The two string instruments combined had made a sort of an elegant tone. A very elegant, beautiful piece of composition that they had ever heard.



SC276: I don’t think that sentence is as complete as you think it is, author.

MrSing: Had more grammar problem than riffer often read.

Crazy56U: This is reading like the prose of a bad novelization...



Discord had to be the most impressed out of everypony.



Scarlet: Literally, he had to be. It was in his contract.

MrSing: And he wasn’t even a pony.

Crazy56U: ...technically, he’s part pony...



He knew that Fluttershy had many talents: communicating with animals, knitting, and he couldn’t forget about her lovely singing voice.



Scarlet: Or bear massage! Let’s not forget bear massage!

Crazy56U: And her being part-vampire pony; I highly doubt Twilight actually fixed that...



But now witnessing the one pony that he absolutely adored play possibly one of the most beautiful instruments he had ever heard was just breathtaking.



SC276: Hasn’t he turned someone else’s hat into an orange yet?

Scarlet: Yep. *tosses an orange peel on the ground* Fourth-wall breaking son of a bitch.

MrSing: Discord has turned into a boring drooling shell of his former self. Love claims yet another victim.

Bucephalus: Are you sure love is to blame here?

Crazy56U: (picks up orange peel) ...Crazy’s eating like a king, tonight...



Listening to both her and the British mare play music together was so soothing that he felt as if he could escape from whatever was troubling him in an instant.



Scarlet: As Saul is to David, so Discord is to Fluttershy? Does this mean we get a sequel where he goes mad, believes she’s about to usurp his kingdom, and chases her into a cave?

MrSing: Pardon?

Scarlet: ...Look, I spent a lot of time reading the book of Second Samuel while I was a kid.

Crazy56U: ...I don’t know what you guys are talking about, so I’m just gonna nod and smile as if I do know. (nods and smiles)



The more he listened closely to the two ponies play, the more he thought that this sort of music fit them both. It was calming, beautiful and it was…. what was the word he was looking for?

Ah, yes. Elegant. Quite elegant, indeed.



SC276: Also boring. At least the last one was stupid, this is just… there.

Crazy56U: It’s essentially the rough draft of “Make New Friends But Keep Discord” had Natasha Levinger not been paid enough to bother.



Author's Note:

Yay!!!



MrSing: Calm down!!!

Crazy56U: STOP YELLING, AUTHOR, JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!



New one-shot!!! I hope you guys enjoyed this. I honestly had NO idea how this came about. I was just thinking and then a random thought popped into my head. The thought being: "I wonder if Fluttershy could play the violin."



Scarlet: Here, let me help you deal with that thought. *holds up an ice-cream scoop*

Crazy56U: (pulls out a brick) This is more direct, use it instead.

Topher: *pulls an inordinate number of weapons from his pockets* Allow me, Gents.



See, I don't know!!! It just popped into my head for some reason. And to be honest, I think the violin would actually suit Best Pony very well,



Scarlet: I dunno, I always saw Twilight as more of a guitar- oh wait.

Bucephalus: Oh. Pinkie was really OOC for this fic.

Crazy56U: Again, accordion, fuck you.



and I can also see her becoming friends with Octavia as well, after all, they're both pretty elegant.



SC276: And yet Octavia’s roommate is actually somehow Vinyl Scratch. Now that would be fun to see.

MrSing: Her raves are very classy.

Crazy56U: And they’re both... ponies... ... (shrug)



Anyway, please like, favorite, and LEAVE A REVIEW!!!!!



RingmasterJ5: Next up is probably the longest fic here at 5K words compared to the other fics’ 1K, “For the Study of Parasprites” by Zoltanthemagnificent.

Scarlet: Immediate points for username!

SC276: Hoo boy, longer one...

Crazy56U: Oh, goody. Parasprites. (quietly pulls out can of bug spray)



There once was a pony who was struggling in a harsh and unforgiving world.



Scarlet: [Pony] “Nobody will ever understand my obsession with Japanese animes!”

MrSing: His mom didn’t understand that he was too busy to clean his room.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, cue the Linkin Park.



This pony had an unusual hobby: while other ponies collected medals and and photographs of unique places they’ve visited, this pony collected parasprites.



Scarlet: To be fair, he’s now less weird than I just imagined.

Crazy56U: Funny, to me, he’s even weirder.



Everytime he would trip on a parasprite, he would pick it up, bring it to his house, place it in a bottle, and put it on a shelf.



Scarlet: Um… wait what? Aren’t they super uncommon and terrifying in swarms?

SC276: Who is this, Link?

MrSing: That habit is pretty jarring.

Crazy56U: ...does he at least poke holes in the lids so they can breathe, or does he let them die and keep the corpses. I wanna know what level of “creepy” this guy is at...



Over the course of his life, he had collected a lot of them and the room he was storing them in was getting crowded. The pony felt smaller and smaller as his collection grew bigger and bigger.



Scarlet: Eventually he negated his own existence.

MrSing: Next time on “Hoarders”.

Crazy56U: Calling this now: “Go Eat Worms: Parasprite Edition”.



It wasn’t unheard of, to collect parasprites.



SC276: I’m pretty sure it’s distinctly less common than just “unheard of,” author.

Crazy56U: ...no, no I’m pretty sure it is unheard of, given the last time the parasprites were in the show, they almost ate an entire town.



But usually ponies threw them out after the insects started to gather dust.



Scarlet: bwah?

MrSing: I suddenly have multiple questions that all need answering.

Bucephalus: So they toss out the insects when the insects start their own collections?

Crazy56U: So, he is keeping corpses. AHAH!



Ponies would regain continue on with their lives and forget that they ever owned a parasprite, until they encountered one again.



Scarlet: The equivalent of a Furby, really.

Crazy56U: Harsh, much? Parasprites aren’t nearly as demonic...



This pony wanted to know everything there was to know about parasprites, so he would study them when he stepped outside his house.



SC276: This is sounding like a very poorly thought-out folktale.

MrSing: “My, grandma, what dusty parasprites you have.”

Crazy56U: “This parasprite is too big! This parasprite is too small! This one is just right.”

Bucephalus: Parasprite, oh Parasprite, come eat my hair.



There were different varieties and some of them could blend in their environment almost perfectly until somepony would trip on them.



SC276: They’re parasprites, author, not Geodudes.

Crazy56U: I highly doubt the flying multicolored balls of annoyance are capable of camouflage.



He, however, didn’t want to be affected by parasprites’ silly tricks.



MrSing: “Haha! You crushed my head, you idiot.”

Crazy56U: “So, he would always bring a can of bug spray to teach them a lesson.”



Knowing parasprites in and out would grant him the power of walking on the world without tripping or stepping on one’s cute little head.



Scarlet: The ultimate power- the ability to move around without looking like a total dork!

Crazy56U: ...so, you’ve mastered the ability of looking down?



His collection was a very special one. It consisted of several unique parasprites showcased on the shelves in his room. After he puts a critter on a shelf, he would not catch another of it’s kind.



SC276: Like me when I play Pokémon.

Scarlet: He’s going for 100% Paradex completion? You fool! It’s impossible without Wonder Trade in this generation!

Crazy56U: When is he going to stumble across a glitch Parasprite? That might salvage this...



As long as they were unique, they intrigued him. In hopes of studying them further, he collected as many different kinds of them as he could find.



Scarlet: ~These parasprites to understand, the power that’s insiiiiide!~

Crazy56U: “Unfortunately, Home Depot banned him for ‘excessive jar purchasing’, so it had gotten a tad more difficult.”



His room wasn’t big enough to accommodate several copies of his collection, unfortunately.



Crazy56U: Wait, several copies of your collection? ...dude, you only need one

collection, the fuck is wrong with you?!

RJ: Resale value man, resale value.



The amount of parasprites he had collected became pretty unnerving to the pony,



SC276: Just him?

Scarlet: To be fair, it’s probably more normal than the collection I keep pulling organs out of.

MrSing: But if you ever need a thousand dusty insects, he’s your guy.

Crazy56U: ...well, of course it would.



but he didn’t know how to part with them. If he lost just one of them, how would he know if the next parasprite he would find would be a unique one or not?



Scarlet: The shiny hunt continues.

MrSing: He was only allowed to have three memories in total.

Scarlet: *resists reflexive Stone Ocean squee*

Crazy56U: Okay, someone clearly needs to hold an Intervention...



He had to keep all of his collection close to him, so he would have something to compare it to when he met a potential parasprite in the world



SC276: He would carry all the parasprites in a pot on his back…

Crazy56U: All he had to do was invent the shrink ray, and he could have his collection with him always…

RJ: Okay, if he starts going “my preccccioussss…” I’m out.



If he were to throw a parasprite out soon after he had collected it, then in the course of his life he could be collecting one single parasprite over and over again, not knowing that he came in contact with it many times before.



SC276: Yeah, this is folktale language. I’ve read enough Japanese fairy tales to recognize it.

MrSing: Japan invented fanfiction? Those bastards!

Crazy56U: Hmm… (pulls out a calculator; does some math) ...yep, just as I thought. (chucks the calculator) That “logic” made no goddamn sense...



Throwing out parasprites and forgetting about them could be tragic indeed.



Crazy56U: Well, to the insane, it would... ...so, yeah, I can see that upsetting him...



The pony didn’t want to stroll down that path of ignorance; he was willing to do anything to avoid it.



MrSing: Keeping a photographic journal was cheating though.

Crazy56U: Calling it now: he dropped out of school to do his parasprite thing.



Thus he decided to study them long and hard, looking at them from different angles over and over again until he could understand them thoroughly.



SC276: Though I don’t quite remember them being this freakin’ repetitive.

Scarlet: Please tell me this pony’s name is “Oak” something.

Crazy56U: Okay, the more Pokemon parallels there are, the more I’m convinced the author is venting their addictions through dumb fanfiction.

Bucephalus: Don’t be too harsh. Crappy fanfiction is the first step to recovery. And the worst.



Perhaps, if he only collected unique parasprites, like he first planned to, he would still have room to spare. But that wasn’t an option anymore.



MrSing: You gotta have spares in case of a parasprite shortage.

Crazy56U: Which is ironic, given that he’s more than likely going to cause the shortage.



The parasprites were of so many kinds that he failed to remember each of the unique items of his collection.



SC276: This is why databases exist.

Crazy56U: Yeah, but I doubt he’s smart enough to use Microsoft Excel. ...let alone a computer...



He still managed to stumble on some parasprites.



Crazy56U: Huh, guess you haven’t mastered looking down...



He only recognised them after he had already tripped on them and fallen to the ground.



Scarlet: Well, you were walking in the tall grass! What else did you expect?

SC276: How do you keep tripping on a flying insect? That’s like one step of embarrassment lower than tripping on thin air!

MrSing: It keeps happening.

Crazy56U: I told you about parasprites bro! I told ya dog!



It wasn’t always the pony’s memory that was at fault. Sometimes he just didn’t think enough to recognise the parasprite.



MrSing: Sometimes he was just drunk.

Crazy56U: Sometimes the pot got to him.



Either he had forgotten that he’s already been acquainted with parasprite of this type, or he just wasn’t thinking enough before picking up the new parasprite in his hooves.



Scarlet: “I shall call you ‘shmoopsie-poo.’ I have the strangest feeling I’ve named you this before!”

SC276: Hasn’t this guy ever run a check on his collection to make sure he doesn’t have duplicates? Or keep any sorting system whatsoever?

Scarlet: Well he tried, but he kept tripping over parasprites.

Crazy56U: He has an addiction now, I don’t think he cares about duplicates.



The Pony knew this and tried to counter it.



Scarlet: Sadly he blocked high when it went with the ground combo.

Crazy56U: He lost a fight to a bug. Oh my God.

Bucephalus: Except Parasprites use special attacks, so Counter failed.



He spent more and more time with his collection, studying every item over and over again. When he would go outside he would keep his collection in mind at all time scouring his surroundings and comparing every item in the real world to the items of his collections.



Scarlet: Huh. He really did decide to use Wonder Trade!

Crazy56U: Listen, I’m pretty sure you have ponies in your life that somewhat care about you, just get some help, you are hurting others with your bug fetish.



From time to time, despite his dedication being at its fullest, he still managed to trip on a parasprite that wasn’t unique.



SC276: That happens when you get close to 100% completion on trophies obtained only from a slot machine.

Crazy56U: And then you bust out Action Replay.



He wanted to be even more dedicated, but he was already past his limits. This maximum dedication was wearing him down.



Scarlet: Don’t go full otaku. You never go full otaku.

SC276: I most certainly do not feel filled with determination right now.

Crazy56U: Oh thank God, he’s suffering from burnout...



Pony knew that he is special.



SC276: Confucius says… do not change tenses.

Scarlet: I thought he said that the relationship between the people and the state should be modeled in the relationship between father and son?

SC276: That, and do not change tenses.

Crazy56U: Dear God, don’t say his name is actually Pony…

Bucephalus: His name is in the description on Fimfiction. Except we’re halfway through and we think his name is Pony.

Crazy56U: Yeah, uh huh, like I’m really going to look up the story on Fimfiction...



He wouldn’t let some drowsiness stand in his way so he stepped it up a notch.



SC276: He’s already beyond his limits and yet he’s trying harder?

MrSing: He gives it the good ol’ athletes 110%.

Crazy56U: Just go the fuck to sleep!



He started taking every single one of the parasprites he found, even if it wasn’t unique; for having just one was not enough.



Scarlet: Gotta use up those repeat balls somehow!

Bucephalus: Do they not support selling items back in this universe?

MrSing: This is not what pokemon meant with “catch them all”. Ash didn’t die for this.

Crazy56U: The parasprite population will be borderline nonexistent within the week.



Collecting more of the same kind of parasprites took up even more of his room and because of that he had an easier time remembering them.



Scarlet: Critical logic failure. Aborting sentence.

Crazy56U: The sleep deprivation is really kicking his ass now...



It was his goal to become an expert in parasprites. He wanted to spot them long before he would trip on them in the world.



SC276: Maybe, y’know, look at the ground every so often.

Bucephalus: Or see an eye doctor.

MrSing: What sick individual keeps throwing those things everywhere? You’re killing the planet!

Crazy56U: The longer this goes on, the more I feel my own life slipping away.



But the pony had a problem:



MrSing: I find that hard to believe.

Crazy56U: Let me guess, it’s not the actual problem he has?



He wasn’t good enough.



Crazy56U: (deep sigh)



He wasn’t an overpowered alicorn of legends. He was a mere earth pony with limits both in body and mind.



Scarlet: Truly, only an alicorn is OP enough to be the Pokemon Master.

Crazy56U: Well, at least the author has some restraint. Some.



He wanted to overcome his limitations, so he spend a lot of his time in his room with his collection. Contemplating each and every one of his parasprites. Over and over again.



SC276: The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.

MrSing: Like that one time I repeated third grade five times.

Crazy56U: Aw, fuck this, I’m skipping ahead to a more interesting bit.

Bucephalus: Has anyone ever hunted a legendary and kept throwing pokeballs at it over and over again? Fairly certain that qualifies us as insane as well.



Collection grew bigger, but it was still manageable.



SC276: Make my monster grow!



By emptying the shelf of his other obsessions, there was just enough space for all the parasprites to cramp up on his shelves.



Scarlet: [Pony] “Farewell, my precious Gunpla…”

MrSing: This house ain’t big enough for two obsessions.



His collection was never meant to be permanent. He only wanted to keep the critters until he would learn the magical nature that would allow him to avoid any non unique parasprite in the world.



SC276: what

Scarlet: Spatial awareness is magic now. Okay then!



If he achieved that level of expertise, he wouldn’t need his collection anymore. He would be able to recognise and counter the parasprites by their magical properties alone.



SC276: If this turns into the origin of the “pied oompah,” I demand a refund.

Scarlet: We don’t pay to do this, though.

SC276: And I still want a refund.

Bucephalus: This feels wrong. How much time does one spend on freaking insects? I'm done.

MrSing: Just carry a flamethrower around like the rest of us you pansy.



His friends told him that what he was doing was not earth pony like.



MrSing: Das racist. Why can’t an earth pony ruin his life collecting insects without everyone playing the “earth” card?



“There’s nothing wrong with an earth pony not knowing the use of magic” they said. “It was a part of the universe earth ponies weren’t designed to know.”



Scarlet: And this went in a completely different direction than I was expecting.

MrSing: “Now forget about magic and go back to growing apple trees in two days.”



The thought of not knowing terrified the pony. He wanted to be more than just an earth pony.



Scarlet: ~I wanna be the very best! Like no one ever was!~

MrSing: He wanted to be a stone pony.



Many of his friends had parasprites laying on their doorsteps.



MrSing: That’s it. I’m calling pest control to nuke Equestria. They’re a lost cause.



They would trip on them every time they stepped out, but they would just catch their balance and kept on walking; they don’t even realise that it was a parasprite they tripped on. He did not want to be like that.



MrSing: Like all those disgusting ponies with their functional inner ears. Yuck!



Why trip on something you can avoid or even counter.



Scarlet: This pony has serious issues with tripping.

SC276: Are we talking about the all-eating pests or cats?

Bucephalus: Have you seen the way cats act in this universe? Cats=Parasprites and vice versa.

MrSing: So this guy is a crazy cat lady? That makes way too much sense.



Even if the pony wanted to listen to his friends, it wouldn’t have worked. He did not have that good sense of balance as his friends had. When he tripped on a parasprite he would often lose his balance and fall down, and he didn’t like falling down.



Scarlet: We get it. He doesn’t like it. One might say he has a… bad trip.

MrSing: His least favorite season is fall.



The pony’s room had a limited space. It was getting harder and harder to live in the room with all of the parasprites hanging around.



MrSing: And they didn’t even pay rent!



The shelves were so cramped with them, that at nights some would fall off and keep the pony awake. The pony knew he had a serious problem on his hooves, and he needed to fix that.



SC276: We knew that like a hundred paragraphs ago.

Scarlet: oh my god I’m shocked the aesop is turning into an aesop!

Bucephalus: If he’s out of space, wouldn’t he be tripping on that anyway?



Even if the pony decided to get rid of only some parasprites from his shelves, how would he decide which one would to throw out?



SC276: Which one would the author to shut up.

MrSing: The parasprites are a metaphor for making mistakes in your grammar. The mistakes in the grammar are a metaphor for bad writing.



There were groups of the same kinds of parasprites, but each one of them represented its own group.



MrSing: So they are hipsters?



Each one of them had as much right to be in the collection as the rest of them.

He wanted to stop collecting new ones. He wanted to throw away his whole collection. It was a bad collection to begin with, but at that point it was already too late. He was already broken.



Scarlet: The fate of all obsessive nerds.

SC276: Find a hobby shop to buy them all. That’s what my bro did to get out of Yu-Gi-Oh.

Bucephalus: Or dump them on your neighbors. That’s what my brother did.

MrSing: Or set them on fire in your school. That’s what I- that’s what my brother did.

Scarlet: I’ve still got mine!



In dealing with magical parasprites, he acquired a magic of his own, despite being just an earth pony. His hooves became so used to dealing with parasprites that they became sticky, which allowed him to handle parasprites with more care.



Scarlet: The magical power of adhesive tape?

SC276: Powerpuff Girl Fingers LV2.

Bucephalus: No offense, but that sounds like the most useless magic ever. Even this is more useful.

MrSing: This “magic” sounds an awful lot like poor hygiene.



It wasn’t a gift, though, it was a curse. Parasprites would stick to him outside and he could only take them off by adding them to his collection.



Scarlet: because-

MrSing: Scarlet was sadly shot before they could type out the perfectly valid reason.

Scarlet: *waves weakly from the floor*



And there was another problem: He couldn’t throw out the big parasprites, they wouldn’t fit through the door.



MrSing: Life hack: your landlord can’t kick you out if you’re too fat to fit through the door.



They had became bigger than they were at the time he collected them. It was another one of their magical properties. The more they were observed, the more there was to observe.



Scarlet: This is going to be a metaphor for trading card game collections isn’t it?

SC276: It better, because otherwise I’ve completely lost track of what’s even going on.



If he only got rid of smaller ones, there would still be some space for him left in his room. Even if he wouldn’t be able to recognise those parasprites he wouldn’t fall down after tripping on them. He should have enough balance for that.



Scarlet: What the hell is with this tripping on parasprites thing? Was that a normal occurrence ever?



They were a mere annoyance and not of a big importance to anyone.

He had admitted that he has unsurpassable limitations as an earth pony and recognised that he will never be a parasprite master.



SC276: By which he means he can’t move into a bigger house. Or is becoming a crazy cat lady.

Scarlet: Wait did the story just incorporate our pokemon riffs on purpose?

MrSing: He was merely a parasprite bachelor.



This realization, however, came too late.



SC276: And then there was trouble.

Scarlet: Make it double- I mean, wait, were we doing the bit? I can’t tell if we’re doing the bit!

SC276: I was referencing Thomas the Tank Engine, we’re not doing the bit!

Scarlet: But I like the bit...

SC276: We can do it next time!

Scarlet: Promise?

SC276: Promise.

Scarlet: Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!



Getting rid of the smaller parasprites wasn’t a valid option any more. His collection gained a collective mind.



MrSing: The secret origins of the Overmind revealed.



When he would separate a parasprite, he would later find that it has returned on its own.



SC276: Like a swarm of bees in cartoons.



There was no getting rid of them, and that wasn’t the only problem he had.



Scarlet: He was also tripping on them!



His hooves soon started to attract new parasprites from the outside world. It wasn’t even just parasprites on his doorstep. Parasprites from entire continents were attracted to his hooves.



SC276: This is now making even less freakin’ sense.

MrSing: If they give him an electric suit he’ll become the ultimate bug zapper.



More and more would get stuck on him and they would hold on to him until he came into his room, where they would separate from him and join the collection.



Scarlet: And now we’re getting out of potential metaphor territory and into “Rejected Junji Ito comic” territory.

MrSing: Good thing he made that comic about cute cats instead.



He became a master at collecting parasprites,



MrSing: Hold the fic! Scroll back a bit... “He had admitted that he has unsurpassable limitations as an earth pony and recognised that he will never be a parasprite master.” When will these insipid lies end!?



but he was not much better at knowing about them than any other earth pony.



Scarlet: “Like those scrubs who spend hundreds building a deck for Standard but who never even place at their locals.”

SC276: How does that even freakin’ work?



The pony lost his smile. His blue mane became gray. His lime coat started to fall out in tufts.



SC276: Oh sure, now we get a description.

MrSing: Looks like he’s got a bad case of the old age. We’d better stay away, I heard it’s contagious.



He didn’t know what to do next. He still felt that what he was doing wasn’t bad in itself, he just wasn’t equipped to handle the task of this magnitude. He was just a mere earth pony.



Scarlet: Author, the fuck do you have against earth ponies?

SC276: You're literally turning into a parasprite magnet, I’m pretty sure being an Earth pony isn’t the main concern here!



The situation was out of control and he knew it. The nights became sleepless as the sound of parasprites falling of the shelves would not let him rest.



Scarlet: Not quite rats in the walls, but we’re getting somewhere.

SC276: Are they just flying into the jars when they join the collection or something?!



He had started with the goal of getting rid of parasprites in the world and achieved the opposite.



Scarlet: The hell did that come from? He just wanted to stop tripping before!

SC276: I… don’t think that was the actual goal you started with. If you had… any goal you started with.

MrSing: Don’t you just hate it when a genocide turns around on you like that?



He tried to avoid the worst by distancing himself from the world. Some parasprites could indeed be avoided this way as they would pass him by without sticking to him, but not all of them were like that.



Scarlet: And apparently he was only magnetic to specific parasprites, which is such an awkward curse.



The ocean of parasprites was still on the rise; the tide was coming and there was no stopping it.

Days passed and the pony found himself lying on his bed. His head drifted just above the surface of the fuzzy sea.



MrSing: “You know, this is actually kinda comfy.”



His body bruised by falling parasprites, his mind drifted away. It was the beginning of the end.



SC276: Does that mean we can finish the fic soon?



In all the chaos, a distinct knock on the door sounded through the room that pony resided in.



MrSing: “Open up, it’s time for the yearly parasprite tax collection.”



The pony shoved his way through the parasprites and opened the door. A small dragon stood before him on the welcome mat.



Scarlet: Spike, no, not right now! Isn’t there a Dave Polsky episode you can go be in?

Crazy56U: Hello, what’s this?



The pony was losing his sanity, so he was to tired to think. He didn’t care who the dragon was or what he was doing at his doorstep, he just left the door open and returned to his bed to mope.



MrSing: “But sir, don’t you want to hear the good news about the Kingdom?”

Crazy56U: ...dude, the fuck. You don’t leave your door open for random strangers!



The dragon took that as invitation and let himself in.



Crazy56U: You see?! This is what happens!



He shut the door behind him.

“Quite a collection you have here!” said the dragon.



Scarlet: I sense nothing sinister about to potentially happen in any way.

Crazy56U: Please say the dragon kills him...



“Yeah, wish I could get rid of it.” the pony said.

“You know, there is a way for you to organise your collection in a way that will take way less space.”



MrSing: Wait a minute. This was all set-up for an infomercial? Those fiends!

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “It’s called ‘fire’!”



“There is?”

“Yes, that’s why I’m here. Your failed attempts at using magic called me.”



MrSing: “Now you must enter this captcha test to prove that you’re not a robot.”

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, there was magic? ...guess I shouldn’t have skipped ahead, then. OH WELL!



The dragon said

“How did you find out about that?”



Crazy56U: [Dragon] “By doing a technique called ‘Skipping ahead in the script’.”

Bucephalus: [Dragon] “This is contrived enough as-is. Don’t make me question my motive or origin any more than I have to.”



“I’ve been in your neighborhood for a while now. However, in your obsession, you failed to even notice me.



MrSing: “It’s really impolite to ignore your stalker this much, you know.”

Crazy56U: Well, he did spend the 5% of his life not dedicated to parasprites looking at the ground to avoid tripping on parasprites.



I, however, have noticed you. Your fixation with little problems intrigued me... and others. So I came to offer my talents.”

“And those would be?”

“Organization, and I happen to be the best organizer around.”



SC276: oh my fucking god what is this origins of Twilight Sparkle’s OCD

MrSing: Surprise! Twilight was a parasprite all this time. That’s why she has wings now.

Crazy56U: If only that were the case. Then the outrage over her getting wings would’ve been funnier...



“I would like things to get better, but... I’m so tired.” Pony sighed.



Crazy56U: Okay, someone who kept reading after I skipped ahead: at any point did he actually go to bed before now?

SC276:



“Don’t you fret. I’ll handle everything for you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Let me give you an example. See this parasprite here.” He snached a parasprite from the collection with his claws.

“What about it.”

“It’s not even a parasprite, it’s only a parasprite-wanna-be.”



Scarlet: “It says ‘Digimon’ on the back! Your mom probably got this for you when you were five and you forgot to throw it out!”





MrSing: It’s nothing but a hound dog.

Crazy56U: Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend.



“It’s a solid parasprite! I know, because I remember tripping over it!”

“But you see, you couldn’t have prevented tripping over it. When your friend tripped on the parasprite at his doorstep, it produced an offspring.



MrSing: It reproduces by getting killed? How do you fight an enemy like this?

Crazy56U: By not killing it. Reverse Psychology is its greatest weakness.



Those are called parasprite-wanna-be’s as they aren’t original in their lineage, and this is that kind of creature”



Scarlet: That… doesn’t entirely make… wait, when did this turn into Mushi-shi?

SC276: How does a parasprite produce not-parasprites?

Bucephalus: I’ll assume that it sorts of like a mule. As parasprites produce asexually, they children are produced as clones. However, we’ve got different colors from each offspring, so mutations occur fairly often. That means that when a parasprites ability to reproduce gets mutated in reproduction, the children are sterile, like a mule. DID I SERIOUSLY JUST WASTE A FEW MINUTES OF MY LIFE THINKING ABOUT THAT? Please shoot me.

MrSing: Haha! The fic tricked you into thinking.

Crazy56U: Don’t fall for its tricks!!!

Bucephalus: *cries softly* But I like thinking.



“How do you know all this?” The pony looked at the dragon.

He had the pony’s journal in one claw and the parasprite-wanna-be in the other.

“You wrote everything down in your life’s journal.



SC276: And now we’re back to Gravity Falls.

Crazy56U: ...so, does that mean the world’s going to end?



Every memory you have, I can access it at will; it’s just another of my... special talents.”



SC276: By which he means he pulled it out of the author’s ass. Dragons are not Japanese gods appearing in dreams, author.

MrSing: “Also, I had to delete some childhood memories to get here.”

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “I can also shit gold, trust me, I’m not making this up.”



The purple dragon smirked as he looked around the shelves.” By analysing the parasprites in a logical way, I can separate the parasprites from the parasprite-wanna-bes.”



Scarlet: Well, I can only foresee good things coming from this.

MrSing: Some parasprites just don’t have the “X-Factor”.

Crazy56U: TV show reference or comic book reference?



“That sounds... complicated.”

“It is, but I can handle it.” the dragon smiled as he put down the journal and picked up the parasprite the pony had collected from his neighbour’s doorstep. He pressed both creatures in his claws and rubbed them on their special spots with his claws.



SC276: Stranger danger, stranger danger!

MrSing: No! We want less parasprites. Not more!

Crazy56U: (pulls out more cans of bug spray) Don’t worry, I got it covered...



The parasprite-wanna-be merged into it’s forebear.

Pony gasped as he had never seen such a thing before. An item of his collection, even if it was just a parasprite-wanna-be, disappearing into another. It was something he had wished for, but could never find a way to accomplish.



Scarlet: Now he knew the secret to Parasprite Fusion!

MrSing: This fusion dance stinks.

Crazy56U: Fusion is just a cheap tactic to make weak parasprites stronger.



The dragon put the original parasprite back on its shelf

Closing his gaping mouth as he sighed, the pony shook his head and waved his hoof in dragon’s direction.



MrSing: Now this is a fusion dance I can get behind.

Crazy56U: Needs more dancing.



“Even if you could distinguish parasprites from parasprites-wanna-bes, I’m sure there are still a lot of parasprites that are the real deal.”

“That is true, but I have a solution to that as well.



MrSing: There is this new fantastic invention called “the trashcan”. Maybe you’ve heard of it before?

Crazy56U: I thought trashcans were a myth.



If you let me analyse them. I can reconcile each and every one of these parasprites. I can also encase you in a thick protective armor that will prevent any parasprite from getting to you. You will never trip over a parasprite again in your life.



Scarlet: Please tell me the dragon is Satan.

SC276: How does armor stop you from tripping?

Bucephalus: Probably makes you so heavy that you can’t even walk.

MrSing:

Who needs to worry about parasprites when you look this awesome?

Crazy56U: The only way the picture would be more awesome is if the hamster somehow could wield a sword.



“How is that even possible?”



SC276: That’s what I was wondering!

Crazy56U: Question of the day.



The dragon put his claws around his back,“It’s about the way you walk on this world. If we fix that, then no parasprites will be able to harm you.”



Scarlet: They were harming him before?

Bucephalus: Tripping is the number one source of insanity in Equestria.

MrSing: The aesop was about good posture this entire time? Bold move, fic.

Crazy56U: He needs to learn how to walk this way.



“How can I walk differently? I didn’t know there were different kinds of walking. I just walk when I want to walk.”

“Your way of walking is filled with hopes and aspirations.



MrSing: Psh. What a loser.

Crazy56U: Dork.



When you walk you look up to the sky:That is what your problem is.”

“But those hopes and aspirations make me who I am.”

“And how has that worked out for you so far?”

The pony bowed his head. “Not that well.”



Scarlet: “There, y’see? Dreams are the problem. You should just die in despair!”

SC276: Super Mysterious-Mentor Level Despair.

MrSing: Maybe he should take up riffing. That kills any hope pretty quickly.

Crazy56U: It can even destroy your soul and sanity, which I can attest too.



“They are the reason why you are miserable. I can free you of that misery, but you will have to give in and trust me all the way.”



SC276: You’re going to extort him just for telling him to look down every once in awhile.

Crazy56U: This is getting shady as fuck.



The dragon adjusted a clover symbol with the number ‘7’ on his scales



MrSing: Don’t ask how the button stays on even though he’s not wearing a shirt. Trust me.

Crazy56U: “that literally just appeared on his chest, akin to black magic.”



“Give in?”

“Even without all the parasprites, there wouldn’t be enough room for me to operate. Not with you that is.”



Scarlet: Oh this can only end well.

MrSing: Is he calling him fat?

Crazy56U: Either that, or a waste of space.



“But where would I go?”

“I’ve set up a place just for you.”



MrSing: Once again, the trashcan. Incredible invention.

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “It’s called ‘Hell’.”



The dragon walked around the room, his slitted eyes scanning the area

“What is it?”

“You don’t like yourself and you don’t like the harsh world outside. Does it really matter what this new place is?”



Scarlet: It’s hell, it’s hell, it’s totally hell oh my god this is going to go so many narmy places.

MrSing: And the dragon’s name is actually “Natas Nomed Lived”. It’s German.

Crazy56U: [insert previous riff here]



“I don’t know. Will it make me happy?”The pony asked with a smile

“Again with the hopes and aspirations! I will keep you away from things that make you miserable, and I will grant you moments of pleasure in times of my choosing.”



Scarlet: “I shall snuggle you, take you for walkies, and call you George!”

SC276: I’ve lost track of where this is going now.

Crazy56U: [insert previous riff here]



“I don’t know. This all feels wrong somehow.” The pony shivered

“Suit yourself.” The dragon grabbed the door handle.

“Wait! don’t leave me alone with my parasprites. I can’t take it anymore.” The pony cried,” Are you sure you can make them go away?”



Scarlet: Faustian bargain, go!

Crazy56U: Again, this can be easily solved with fire.



“I can protect you from them, but only if you let me do it my way.” The dragon turned his head and frowned.



SC276: Let me work in my own way, and all will be right in your palace again.

Crazy56U: Still shady as fuck...



”Fine! If you can make it all stop than that’s good enough for me. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore!” The pony shouted,” I will take your offer.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with all this, Diptera?



SC276: Oh sure he has a name now!

MrSing: Wow, imagine your parents hating you this much.

Crazy56U: ...yeah, no, Pony is a less stupid name, I’m calling him that from now on.



If you struck a deal with me, there won’t be any turning back. I’ll be rearranging everything.” The dragon waved his claw around.



Scarlet: Last opportunity to avoid a bad end, bro! Take it!

SC276: This guy is sounding more and more like Bill Cipher, but without the personality.

Crazy56U: ...so, the world is going to end!



“I don’t know, but I also don’t care! I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m just so tired. I-I can’t go on like this! You say, you’ll take care of everything?”

“Yes, I’ll take care of everything. You included.” The dragon said with a chuckle.



SC276: This is actually sounding way too close to one of my friends to be comfortable.

Crazy56U: “And then the dragon pulled out a knife.”



“Okay, show me to my new place.”



Scarlet: Pssh, what is it, a coffin?

Crazy56U: Or an open grave.



The dragon led the pony out of the house to the backyard. There was a rectangle hole in the middle of it. A pile of dirt laid beside it. There was a narrow metal shaft leading from the side of the hole.



SC276: ...a metal shaft? Really?

MrSing: Can you dig it?

Crazy56U: (dead eyed glare)



“How come I hadn’t noticed this hole before?” Asked the pony.

“You haven’t been noticing much of anything lately. You’ve been... broken.” The dragon looked to his side.



Scarlet: Wow, this really is a Junji Ito comic.

MrSing: This shaft... it was made for me…

Crazy56U: This just got creepy.



The pony stepped closer and saw an empty opened casket at the bottom of the hole.



Scarlet: Holy shit, it really is!

SC276: Spirit, whose lonely grave is this?

MrSing:

Crazy56U:



He turned to the dragon. “You want to take over my entire life? You want to destroy me?”

“Oh, no!” The dragon grinned,”That’s not part of the plan.” he pushed the pony down the hole.



SC276: Why yours, Ebenezer, the richest man in the cemetery!

MrSing: He finally got what he wanted. Not tripping because of a parasprite.

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “Have a nice trip! See ya next fall!”



The casket closed shut behind him.



Scarlet: And in two turns, my D.D. Sarcophagus will return this card to my- huh, sorry, lost my train of thought.

Crazy56U: Self Closing Caskets. The future is now!



The dragon started throwing dirt on top of it.

Diptera banged his hooves on on the casket, but his attempts were useless and pathetic,”Get me out of here, you-”

The dragon filled the hole with earth and started to pound on it with his feet. “I’m sorry. little pony, but this has to happen. If I am to save your life,



MrSing: “Don’t you see? To save your life I have to dance on your grave.”

Crazy56U: “by which I mean put you out of your misery,”



they have to be buried in your suit of armor,



Crazy56U: Yeah, and- I’m sorry, what?



deep under the surface. Sadly, everything that you were, everything that you are, has to be buried with them.”

“This is not the armor I’ve envisioned! It’s a casket!” Yelled the pony.



Scarlet: “This was not the droid I was looking for!”

MrSing: “The very earth will be my armor.”

Crazy56U: WHAT ARMOR ARE YOU TWO BLATHERING ON ABOUT?!

SC276: The armor that’s supposed to keep him from tripping on parasprites. Pay attention already.

Crazy56U: Look, I can only pay attention for so long before my brain starts cramping...



The tall serpent threw seeds of grass on top of the flatten earth. “No, it’s our solution, Diptera.”



SC276: Why does the pony have a name again? I’m looking that up… “Diptera” is the biological order that flies belong in.

Crazy56U: ...oh. ... (pulls out a lighter, sets self on fire)



The years passed and the pony got used to being stuck in his prison.



SC276: I can see the intent of the author was to do a pony folktale, given he has the mythological trait of staying alive far longer than his time period and circumstances would possibly allow.

Crazy56U: I think I made a mistake coming back to this story.



He wasn't bored, as he was able to find pleasure in the small screen his new dragon friend put inside this strange casket.



Scarlet: Oh no! He’s been introduced to Netflix!

MrSing: Good thing he got the Casket Deluxe 3000.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s gotta be expensive.



The dragon wasn’t evil, at least, he would like to think that he wasn’t evil. However, his entire plan revolved around this pony being stuck in this casket. His benefactors needed the pony’s talents. However, he didn’t want to be too cruel to the pony. So whenever the pony got thirsty or hungry, the dragon would lower dishes down the shaft.



SC276: I thought he was buried, how…?

Scarlet: Folktale logic. He probably had his animal friends do it and they ended up with various characteristic traits as a result.

Bucephalus: Magic.

MrSing: Room Service.

Crazy56U: He was using the magic of plot holes.



When there was an apple season, the pony would get those. Most of them would be fine, but some of them would be rotten and some would have worms in them. The pony ate them anyway,



MrSing: Anything for proteins.

Crazy56U: He’d even eat the plates, fuck it.



he didn’t really have a choice.



Scarlet: Solitary with gross food.

Crazy56U: It was either that or eating himself, and that isn’t healthy.



The pony did try to protest about the state of his meals once

“Hopes and desires attracts parasprites and so does a wasteful life of luxury!” The dragon explained as he left the pony with his rotten food and the pony had no choice but to eat it.



SC276: Nothing about this guy’s life before was luxurious.

Crazy56U: Shhh, don’t let the dragon know that...



“I can’t work with your hopes and dreams looming around.” Dragon would tell him through the shaft. ”Cabbage is cheap and healthy. Water is free.



MrSing: Within weeks the new “casket diet” swept the land.

Crazy56U: So is breathing. Side note: how has Pony not suffocated yet?



I need bits for fixing your long term parasprite problems, so I can’t waste time and money on your whims. It would make the parasprite collection grow and I promised you that I won’t let that happen.”



SC276: Was this dragon black on his left half and white on his right or something?

Scarlet: No, but I wager he has cloven hooves.

Crazy56U: And smelled like sulfur.



The pony understood, but there were days where he just couldn’t take it. He would bang his hooves on his casket screaming to get out. But the dragon ignored his pleas. After all, he knew what was best for the pony.



SC276: Couldn’t he just take a cruise or something? What are the odds he could trip on a parasprite on a ship deck?

MrSing: Parasprites can’t get you if you’re on fire.

Crazy56U: Yet again, the solution of fire rears its ugly head...



There were days when the pony could hardly stand the loneliness in the casket. He only had dragon to talk to, but he already knew everything about him. There wasn’t much to talk about, anyway. The dragon was strangely quiet about certain subjects.



MrSing: “Every time I asked him about his fursona he would stop talking with me.”

Crazy56U: Dear God, he’s a furry on top of having a bug fetish?!



Every once in a while he would hear other voices, but he couldn’t call to them.

The pony felt safe with that dragon on his side, but it was still a lonely and empty life. If he could only feel the embrace of another pony.



SC276: Fuck, he’s getting horny.

Scarlet: Just one riff without Rye Mash breaking in, that’s all I ask!

Crazy56U: Well, maybe it’s for the best he doesn’t get that… (drinks some Diet Coke)



He liked the physical connection, but more than that, he wanted acceptance.

It didn’t even need to be support or admiration, if he could only feel another’s touch, then he would be happy.

The pony had played the game with a spouse before. It attracted a lot of parasprites to both sides.



SC276: He was married, are you kidding me, you can’t just leave out details like that even in folktales!

Scarlet: “Played the game”- what? What game? Dungeons and Dragons?

MrSing: I’ll let you know I have a high score in marriage.

Crazy56U: (finish drinking Diet Coke) I’m sorry, who would want to be married to that guy?



The common parasprites that had looked similar on both sides would prevent them from coming together for extended periods of time.



MrSing: Plot twist, the parasprites were his in-laws this entire time.

Crazy56U: ... (chokes back puke)



The longer they would hold on to each other, the bigger the common parasprites would had become.



Scarlet: So parasprite fusion results in bigger parasprites?

Crazy56U: ...well, duh, that’s how fusion works.



The parasprites that had been unique would attach to their tails and they would pull them apart. When the ponies had pulled harder, the unique parasprites had grown bigger and the force pulling the couple apart had increased.



Scarlet: Wait what? I’m lost, what?

Bucephalus: *Shoots self* There. Now it’s over. See you in the next fic

MrSing: Lucky bastard.

Crazy56U: ...so, is this why we never got word of the wife existing until now?



The ponies had tried to remove the parasprites, find a repellent of some sorts, but nothing had worked permanently. Even those that they had threw away had come back eventually. New ones had attached to the couple every day.



Scarlet: Junji Ito, just admit that you’re running out of ideas. It’s okay! We understand! We’ll always have Uzumaki!

Crazy56U: And this is why you buy bug spray, godDAMNit.



After a while, the pony would have only seen a lump of parasprites whenever he had looked at his spouse.



MrSing: We’ve all been there, right?

Crazy56U: ...ew?



The sight of it made him cringe and he had to look away. The parasprites had been pushing so hard on him that it had hurt.

There had been just one option left for getting rid of the lump of parasprites that had formed: Abandonment. He had to walk away and never look back.



SC276: ...what the actual fuck

Crazy56U: ...huh?



Lightning and thunder had accompanied the separation, but the lump had stayed behind the pony. After so long, the pony could have finally taken a breath to fill his lungs full of fresh air. No parasprites had gotten into his mouth. It had been a joyous moment for the pony. It had felt so good, that he had sworn to himself to never let go of his freedom to breathe.



SC276: I literally have no idea what’s even going on anymore. If this is supposed to be an allegory for something, it’s doing a terrible job of it.

Scarlet: It’s an allegory for a really bad drug trip.

MrSing: And then he let himself be buried alive.

Crazy56U: ...I’m sorry, I think a chunk of the story got deleted by accident, what is happening?



Whenever a potential lump of parasprites had been in pony’s sights after that, he would avoid it. If the lump had approached him, he would make up a reason to turn around. He would not let any lumps attach to him ever again. The closer the lumps have come, the more effort pony had put into getting rid of them. It had not been a hard thing to do, even though it had hurt pony a lot. It was like having an Ursa Minor on his chest, but it had still hurt less than the parasprites would had hurt him.



Scarlet: Even when Twilight zapped them to make them see non-food as food, the worst they ever caused was property damage! Are we talking parasprites or headcrabs now?

MrSing: The parasprites called him hurtful things.

Crazy56U: All I’m getting out of this now is lumps.



His strategy had kept the parasprites away, but it had never sated his longings. He had brought those with him to the casket. Along with every other yearning for closeness.

“Abandon all hope pony,”



MrSing: This is a weird take on the Divine Comedy.

Crazy56U: Dear God, I think that’s what is actually happening.



The strange dragon had told him repeatedly. “You must never feel the touch of another pony for as long as you live. Your casket will be the only place you can ever immerse yourself into. You will never be part of real world again, but you will be safe and the world will be safe from you.



Scarlet: “Filthy nerd, get off the internet!”

SC276: What is that thing anyway, the Absolutely Safe Capsule?

Crazy56U: Either that, or the Pandorica.



The parasprites will keep invading, but ponykind will survive, just as they always have. Ponies above the surface mostly survived by ignoring the parasprites



MrSing: Remember kids, if something is wrong just ignore it until it goes away.

Crazy56U: I hear that tip worked great in “Paranormal Activity 2”...



and fixing anything that the parasprites broke. You, Diptera, could never counter all the parasprites on your own. Surface ponies would only stick to what they know and not join your noble goal.



Scarlet: I’m lost, when did this turn into the first arc of Gurren Lagann?

MrSing: If that’s true than I demand bikini sniper girls and shirtless buff men.

Crazy56U: Did we switch stories and not even notice, the fuck?!



If you kept your struggle against the menace, then you would eventually lose everything. Be happy that you’re safe and forget about everything else. After all, It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”



Scarlet: What does this have to do with tripping over parasprites?

MrSing: “I know you lost everything, but look on the bright side you could have lost everything and not have been buried alive.”

Crazy56U: What is even the hell, anymore? How did we go from parasprite hoarding to… whatever the fuck this is?



Pony knew that the dragon only meant good. He never got used to it, though, but he did accept it as inevitable consequence of having a dragon to do his bidding. The pony understood that it was his hopes and dreams that attracted the magical parasprites. The only place left for him in this world was deep underground, away from the parasprites roaming the surface world.



Scarlet: Please, just end the story already. We get it. There’s going to be a Twilight Zone twist. Just end it.

Crazy56U: If the author wanted to end this, they would’ve ended it with Pony falling in the coffin.



The dragon had been right so many times and the pony had been wrong so many times.



SC276: And the fic wrong much much more so.

Crazy56U: And the author even more than that.



The pony trusted the dragon more than he trusted himself. That is why the dragon was out there, living the pony’s life, while the pony was underground hiding from the parasprites.



Scarlet: It won’t end. This story will just. Not. End.

SC276: And it keeps using double spaces.

Crazy56U: You aren’t hiding from jack, you’ve been buried alive!



The dragon grew weary as he got accustomed to the pony’s room. He worked tirelessly to tidy up the place.

The neighbours didn’t notice anything strange. They didn’t even notice the strange carriage with the Clover Corporation’s symbol on it. They were just glad that the house was so tidy.



Scarlet: Not Twilight Zone enough. Zone it up!

Crazy56U: Get in the Zone...



However, things weren’t normal at all. There was a massive collection of parasprites living in the pony’s house.The neighbours knew about the collection, but they had no idea how big it was.



SC276: How?! If it was literally big enough to basically eat the guy’s wife…!

MrSing: Yeah, but his house is so tidy now.

Crazy56U: Potato, tomato, really.



By far the strangest thing, however, was the fact that there were ponies in suits inspecting a dirt pile in the ground.



Scarlet: Ah, they’re attending a funeral for the all the points this story might have been trying to make.

MrSing: Tonight on Dirty Jobs: dirt pile inspectors.

Crazy56U: Why hasn’t Dirty Jobs been cancelled yet?

MrSing: It’s a dirty job. Someone has to do it.



Neighbours never cared to investigate, though. As long as the pony’s house seemed to be tidy, so everything was fine and dandy in their eyes. They didn’t even notice that there was now a teenage purple dragon instead of a pony saying ‘good morning’ to them when they went to work. Same house, same neighbour they thought.



Scarlet: Spike, what have I told you about altering people’s memories again?

MrSing: Too be fair, his entire neighborhood was legally blind.

Crazy56U: Squatters Rights.



They got a bit suspicious when the dragon build a high fence around the house.



SC276: Though a few of the planks were mismatched to show how tense changes stood out.

Crazy56U: Oh, of course. A pony is replaced by a dragon, no reaction. A fence is put up? Reaction.



Many neighbours had fences, but the one the dragon built was white, sterile, and very plain.



MrSing: The dreaded picket fence. I heard that it almost brought America to its knees.

Crazy56U: ...are the neighbors being fence-racist?



There were many neighbours, so the isolation of one didn’t affect their lives enough for them to care.

The dragon worked hard, but eventually, he got tired. When it was time for him to rest he would turn off his lamps and leave only his Clover Corp. communicator on. At that point, the Clover Tech TV Screen inside inside the pony’s casket would turn on.



Scarlet: Something something brainwashing mass media blah.

SC276: How is there even a television in Equestria?

Crazy56U: Well, when in doubt, assume it’s magic.



The pony liked it when the screen lit up. It made him forget about the casket he was in. It was a window to a whole new world, where he was free and parasprites didn’t exist. If he could, he would spend all his time staring at that screen, but the dragon wouldn’t let him.



Scarlet: Jerk! You have no right to restrict this prisoner’s internet access!

MrSing: “Watching TV all day will rot your brain. Go play in your casket for a while.”

Crazy56U: Dragon can only pay for so much cable usage, it’s either regulating TV time or no TV time.



There was only enough power in the house for one of them. Either for the dragon to run all the equipment for tidying the house or for the pony to power up the screen in the casket.



SC276: One would think with how many parasprites there are, enough static electricity would be produced to allow both to run at once.

MrSing: That’s what you get for taking the 700 inch 4-D surround sound television set.

Crazy56U: ...or it could be because Dragon can’t afford to get a generator, that too...



One day the pony saw a new world on the screen. It was a perfect world that he could immerse and lose himself in.



Scarlet: Hey, I know The Witcher 3 is good, but I don’t know if it’s that good!

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, it was actually the Windows XP background.



The dragon allowed the pony to see everything there was to see about the new world, but pony still wanted more. He didn’t care about being in the casket anymore, he didn’t care about the other worlds that he could observe through the screen, he just wanted more of that perfect world.



Scarlet: Sounds like the time I first watched G Gundam, really.

MrSing: You were buried alive?

Scarlet: I had an unusual childhood.

Crazy56U: Heh, I can relate. Until I was in high school, I lived in the shed. Not because of my parents, mind, I was just a weird kid.



When the screen turned on the next time and it showed a different world than the one pony fell in love with, he refused to watch it.

The other worlds could not compare to the perfect world pony has seen.



SC276: ~Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town…~

Crazy56U: You'll find a rambling rose and a picket fence... Tenderness and innocence… in Denton.



In his mind he was immersed in that world.The pony got immersed so much that he struck at the screen with his hooves and broke through it.



Scarlet: Shit, not another fourth wall collapse! That’s two in a row!

MrSing: I tried that once. I’m still paying the bills.

Crazy56U: And thus, we get some “Kill Bill” action.



As darkness enveloped pony,



Crazy56U: Okay, granted, “pony” isn’t capitalized, but fuck it, him being called

“Pony” is fucking CANON!



he felt something hollow and unexplored behind the screen. It was a drawer he didn’t know about. Not even the dragon knew about it. If he did, he hadn’t told the pony about it.



MrSing: Just wait until they find the bathroom hidden behind the lamp.

Crazy56U: You mean that plastic bottle?



As pony opened it, a light illuminated the casket and a book with a clover on it fell out of the drawer..

The pony browsed the book. It was completely blank on every page from cover to cover.

The pony kicked at the drawer and a pen with a similar clover symbol fell out of it.



Scarlet: What the fuck is the significance of this clover?

SC276: Super Pony-Folktale Level Good Luck?

Crazy56U: Maybe it’s anti-good luck?



He picked it up in his mouth and started writing in the empty book. He didn’t know how he managed to write in the dark, but he managed it.



MrSing: Well, it’s not like he could check his work.

Crazy56U: And thus we learn how the author wrote this story!



He wrote about the perfect world he had seen.

The pony had been inside the casket for so long that he almost forgot how to write It wasn't a problem, though, for he knew that when his book was finished he could send it up the shaft that lead out of the casket.



Scarlet: How much room could you possibly have in that thing to be able to do this?

SC276: And if you’re explaining how other stuff works, explain where he’s going to the bathroom.

Crazy56U: On second thought, let’s not.



He trusted the dragon to correct his writing and let ponykind know that there used to be another pony living among them. A pony with hopes and aspirations.



MrSing: And parasprites, can’t forget about those.

Crazy56U: And epic looking down abilities!



The dragon stared at the mound for a long time. He stood, listening to the pony sleep. He then heard a voice near his right,”Number 7?” It came from a blue pegasus stallion in a white suit with a clover symbol on his lapel,”How is Dieptra?”



Scarlet: ...no.

MrSing: Misspelling your own protagonist’s name. Effort!

Crazy56U: This is why you should’ve called him Pony. You can’t fuck up the spelling of “Pony”!



“Number 8- no- Sky Fall,”



MrSing: “It is I, Swim Drown!”

Crazy56U: Adelle is gonna sue.



The dragon looked at his partner,” We are alone here, my friend, we can use our real names.”

“Scale, that’s improper.” Sky Fall said,”I know we’re nowhere near The Institution right now but we still have to follow regulations!” The pegasus known as Number 8 sighed,”Now, how is our... special one doing?”



Scarlet: no no no no.

Crazy56U: Wait, you know what’s going on?



“He’s doing fine. A little more time in the incubation chamber, and his power to control insects will be marvelous.



MrSing: Don’t forget to preheat your incubation chamber and have all the ingredients done ahead of time.

Crazy56U: W-wait, is Pony supposed to be Bug Jesus?



I had to-,” The dragon frowned,” -tell him to abandon hope and aspirations, though. It was the only way his power would increase.”



MrSing: “He wouldn’t even try hitting the gym.”

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “I mean, I tried getting him to attach himself to a car battery, but he just kept whining and complaining…”



Scale turned to the stallion,”He should be ready to become Number 20 when Number 9 breaks out of her stone prison.”



Scarlet: Oh no no n- fuck me, no.

Crazy56U: So, because math, he’s currently Number 29?



“Good,” The stallion sighed,”Now can we go home now? I think you handled the sprites enough, and my wife is really worried about me!” He growled.

“You go home, Sky,” The dragon turned back to the mound,”I’ve taken a liking to this little pony...”



MrSing: “He’ll eat anything I shove down that shaft. It’s hilarious.”

Crazy56U: [Dragon] “I’m even thinking of popping the question, tomorrow...”



The stallion rolled his eyes as he turned and spread his wings,”Always the softy...” He flew off.

“Soon, little one, soon we’ll bring you to your full potential.”



Scarlet: Jesus fuck! “You thought it was going to be a folktale with a point, but it was ME! The Avengers!”

Crazy56U: Oh, that’s what was going on? ...wait, what?!

SC276: For pete’s sake, author, keep to a freakin’ genre.

RingmasterJ5: It’s worth noting that there aren’t any other stories by the same author to follow this up or give more context to that bit, it’s just a standalone thing that just makes no fucking sense in the slightest.

Scarlet: Well, I can only conclude that the moral of the story is that Parasprites are just bad. Please tell me the next one is more comprehensible.

RingmasterJ5: Take that up with SC, because this last one was submitted by him. It’s also a good example of the kind of really, really, REALLY bad clop we actually would run from time to time. I’ve seen a clopfic or two submitted that just seem to be kinda average, and that stuff we’ll generally pass on. However, things like this last fic, “The ‘DASH’ing Story” by xblade, are exactly the kind of horrible we’re looking for.

Fallen Prime: ...oh, fuck me. It’s THIS guy. I actually know this story AND the author. They’re both insufferable.

RingmasterJ5: SC’s to blame for inflicting this particular fic upon us, send all your ire at him. But for now, let’s get on with it.

SC276: I was actually wondering if one of the fics I sent would show up for this~ I databased this for my own riffing series with the notes, “Cookie-cutter self-insert clop fic. Obviously masturbatory.” I’m not kidding, the description says flat-out that it’s a self-insert, with an OC named Lightspeed, and Rainbow’s emotions have been “tweaked.” You’re in for a treat~

Bucephalus: *arises once more* I heard the name of the one who brought this madness to me. Now I cannot even die peacefully! Death to SC!

Scarlet: No killing him! Comically murdering people is my job!

SC276: I thought that was Topher’s?

Crazy56U: (straps on a helmet) Fuck it, unlike the last times a riff turned towards clop, I’m staying.



Hi, I'm Lightspeed, and I'm an alicorn.



MrSing: Strap in kids. We’re going in hard.

Bucephalus: Hi. I’m Bucephalus. I hate alicorn OCs.

Crazy56U: Glad to know the author ascribes to the “go big or go home” model of life.



I have a blue fur and a blonde mane, along with two blue eyes.



MrSing: Good to know somebody already beat him up for us.

Crazy56U: That’s not exactly true, because if he was, he’d be black and blue, not just blue. ...da ba dee da ba die.



My cutie mark is in the shape of the omega symbol. It means, of course, that I am a leader.



MrSing: And that you conduct electricity poorly.

Crazy56U: And you’re possibly a Doctor Who villain...



Well, its been a week since me and Rainbow started to date.



Scarlet: Aaaand we’re gone! *walks off*

SC276: If he’s the Omega, who’s the Alpha?

MrSing: I just wanna know who's on first.

Crazy56U: Man, you just want to get right into the fuckin’, don’t ya Author?



When I look up to the clouds, I can almost see their faces; I miss them.



Scarlet: *walks back* I forgot my keys. Also, what the hell, where did that sentence come from?

MrSing: It was such a shame when the faces in the sky went away.

SC276: What is this, Darwinia?

Crazy56U: An artist’s rendering of the clouds:





Besides that, I mean, things couldn't get much better. Well, I was wrong.

I was sitting under my favorite tree. The reason it’s my favorite is because it overlooks a grassy field followed by a waterfall.



Scarlet: It overlooks a grassy field followed by a waterfall because of a complex process of geological processes over time. The geological processes are complex because...

MrSing: Damnit! Who keeps shooting Scarlet before they finish explaining things?

Scarlet: I don’t know but this is the third lung I’ve had to replace today.

Crazy56U: ...was that a silent gun, or am I going deaf, because I didn’t hear the- (BANG!)



It’s so peaceful and quiet—It was a nice sunny day with some clouds, not many.



SC276: “It was a beautiful and sunny day.”

Crazy56U: “The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.”



At least that's what I thought, until a cloud flew over my tree and casted a shadow. I thought that was odd because clouds don't move by themselves.



SC276: Buddy, what world are you living in?

MrSing: Equestria outlawed the wind.

Scarlet: Wait, hold on, he’s dead right. That’s why Everfree weather is such a catastrophe. You win this round, story!

Crazy56U: Booooooooo!



Then I heard something coming from behind me. Naturally, I stay calm. Then as it gets closer, I face it and attack it.



Scarlet: The story of how Lightspeed accidentally nuked Rainbow Dash.

Crazy56U: No it isn’t, because there’s still more story...



I turned quickly, but Rainbow had different ideas and she pounced on me. I love it when she does that. It reminds me off our first kiss.



MrSing: “It was just like being tackled to the cold hard ground.”

Crazy56U: Oh God, forget what I said earlier, don’t tell me they’re going to start fucking now...



Rainbow had a hungry look in her eyes; in her beautiful pink eyes.



MrSing: Dash, have you been smoking weed again?

Crazy56U: Oh God they are...



We stare into each others eyes for what seemed like hours, then Rainbow closed the gap between our faces. She dove into me with a passionate kiss.



Scarlet: Dove into- ew! Shit, she’s in his spleen! Oh god!

SC276: Now that’s an execution.

Crazy56U: (deeps sigh) Here we go.



"I am the luckiest stallion ever," I thought to myself. Rainbow broke the kiss and dove her nose into my chest. She started to take in my scent. That was so cute.



Scarlet: Smells like unwashed armpits and stale cheetos.

MrSing: It’s his own patented cologne.

Crazy56U: My money’s on him smelling like gasoline...



Then Rainbow looked up and said, "Rut me you big boy." Then she started to grind on my crotch. It felt so good. I moaned in pleasure. "Aw, does it feel good?" Rainbow says kinkily. "You want me so bad don't you?"



Scarlet: This dialogue contributed from your nearest bargain porn movie.

SC276: What’d I tell ya?

MrSing: “My love for you is like a truck, Berserker! Would you like some making fuck? Berserker!”

Crazy56U: Then, I guess it’s a good thing that I cued up the porn music already... I guess?



She starts to grind harder. My moans intensify. My erection stiffened. She could feel it under her belly. Rainbow gasped on how big it was.



Scarlet: Just once, just once, I’d love to read a pornfic where someone looks at an erection and goes “hey, that’s a completely average-sized wang and it’s lovely!”

MrSing: “That’s some nice medium sized breast you have there, ma’am.”

Crazy56U: A whole two centimeters!



"I knew you were packing but that's huge," she said. Rainbow got really close to my face and said, "do you want me?"



SC276: Given you’re dating and this is a terrible clopfic, why wouldn’t he want you?

Scarlet: That awkward moment when Lightspeed has to admit he’s gay.

Crazy56U: Say no.



"Please, Rainbow," I said.



Crazy56U: (pinches bridge of nose)



She interrupts and she said kinkily, "Rainbow what??" as she starts humping my cock. My body needed her, no matter what.



Scarlet: Though this was mostly because it had been possessed by alien genital-stimulation worms.

Crazy56U: Doubtful, that would make this interesting...



"Dashie, please do whatever you want with my cock! I need you RainB-O-O-WWW!"



MrSing: Something's wrong with the acoustics in this fic.

Crazy56U: Someone get Sound Guy in here.



While I was begging for her, Rainbow slid her face down to my cock. Eyeing it, marveling it—that hungry look in her eyes grew.



Scarlet: Then, without further ado, she ate Lightspeed’s penis.

SC276: ...no, actually, this doesn’t remind me of some of my worst RPs.

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s acting like this is the first time she’s seen penis. And, somehow, in this universe, I doubt that...



Then finally, Rainbow started to lick it like a lollipop.



Crazy56U: I only do this because I’m in pain.



Then she started to lick the tip. It was all happening so fast, I never wanted this to stop.



Scarlet: “But it did about thirty seconds later, when I ejaculated prematurely .”

MrSing: “And that’s why they call me Lightspeed.”

Crazy56U: And so Rainbow kept blowing him until the world ended.



Then it happened.

*BOOP*

She scrunched her nose on my cock,



RingmasterJ5: what

Scarlet: Jesus, that sounds painful!

MrSing: Oh god, it’s a nose job.

Crazy56U: (winces; grabs crotch in pain) OWIE



and then she started to suck on it.

"OHMYGOSHHH, RAINBOW, THAT FEELS SO GOOD!" I yelled



SC276: Exact opposite of how we’re feeling.

Crazy56U: (quietly reached for barf bag)



as she went up and down, stroking it, sucking on it—the pleasure was amazing! She went faster and faster, then I felt it start to throb.



Scarlet: Forced shout that no one has ever said during actual coitus in their life in 3… 2…

Crazy56U: Blowing around at the speed of sound!



Rainbow felt it too. She wanted my cum so badly, who was I to say no? "I'M CUMMING!!"



Scarlet: We have liftoff!

MrSing: Does that mean we can go?

Crazy56U: No, because that would mean there’s a loving, caring God in the universe.



She took it all in her maw. When I was done, she swallowed, then she climbed up onto me and said, "that was AWESOME! You taste so good."



Scarlet: “She said as she finished chewing on the remains of my dick.”

Crazy56U: So, his dick exploded like a hot dog in a microwave?



Rainbows pussy was really wet.



MrSing: We now cut to Rainbow Dash giving her cat a bath.

Crazy56U: As long as she doesn’t start fucking the cat...



She looked into my eyes, and then it clicked in my mind what she wanted.



Scarlet: “Miss Dash, I believe you’re trying to seduce me!”

MrSing: A brand new car?

Crazy56U: ...sex?



"Its my turn to pleasure you,"



Scarlet: I’d do anything for Bloodninja to just show up in this somehow.

SC276: Which witch handles those sorts of deals?

Scarlet: The council outsourced that to the fickle gods of the internet years ago.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Let me give you a back massage.”



Rainbow looked up at me and said in my ear. "Buck me as hard as you can."



MrSing: He proceeded to kick her into orbit.

Crazy56U: (sigh) Of course.



This was a huge turn on. Well, Rainbow herself is a turn on, but that sealed the deal.



Scarlet: I put on my robe and wizard hat.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a caulking gun) You want things sealed, do ya?



I mounted Rainbow up against the tree,



MrSing: “Shit, I forgot the flag. We need to head back to base camp, guys.”

Crazy56U Why are you trying to have a three-way with the tree?!



then I whispered into her ear, "you ready to get pounded?"



Scarlet: “After she said yes, I hit her in the head with a rubber mallet!”

SC276: Wouldn’t fucking someone against a tree scratch the hell out of their back on all the bark?

MrSing: His bark really is worse than his bite.

Crazy56U: Wait, you want to fight her now? I thought you wanted to bone...



Rainbow replied with her tongue sticking out,



MrSing: Well, that’s just rude.

Crazy56U: To be fair, deciding to have sex him him is ruder.



"please… I need this." With that I thrusted into her. I broke her.



MrSing: You break it, you buy it, pal.

Crazy56U: ... (pulls the caulking gun back out) Do you need this?



I was her first. I smiled as I continued pounding her, going in and out her. It felt so good.

"How do you feel, Dashie?"



Scarlet: “I will assume that ‘meh’ means ‘awesome’!”

Crazy56U: “If you can’t use words, just blink; one for good, two for bad. ...okay, I don’t know what five blinks mean...”



"So GO-O-OD!" She then begged me to buck her "HARDER," so I pounded her harder. "FASTER," So I bucked her faster.



MrSing: You idiot! She didn’t say “Simon says”.

Crazy56U: Dude, don’t fucking drag Daft Punk into this...



Her moans became louder and louder, then it happened.

"I can feel it throbbing! I WANT YOUR CUM, FILL ME WITH YOUR SEEDS!"



Scarlet: “I slipped some apple seeds into her vagina. We haven’t spoken since.”

SC276: I don’t understand some euphemisms sometime...

MrSing: Be glad, last time he used chestnuts.

Crazy56U: Just don’t use sunflower seeds, that will cause problems...



"Fine then, let’s cum together!" With one final thrust, I came into Rainbow Dash. My seeds flooded her. She felt so warm. She was so happy. Our bodies melted together.



Scarlet: “They flowed away in a puddle.”

MrSing: I’m not cleaning this up.

Crazy56U: I don’t know where the mop went...



After a while, she turned around pulled me into a passionate kiss and then we broke the kiss.



Scarlet: [Dash] “Um… yeah. That was terrible. Seriously, ten seconds?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “By the way, I’m pregnant.”



"I love you, Dashie," I said then.

Rainbow replied, "I love you too."

And from that moment on, I knew that me and Rainbow were meant to be together forever.



Scarlet: “After all, no one who has fantastic sex ever turns out to be a terrible life partner!”

Crazy56U: But then Lightspeed died of a heart attack ten minutes later.



Author's Note:

Thank you everybody.this is revised.



Crazy56U: Uh huh, it sure is sweetheart, whatever you say...



i could not of done this with out my editor mondai shunketsu.



Scarlet: Fuck you, Mondai Shunketsu!

SC276: Given the author note and description look like a linguistic hurricane hit them, we should probably be glad Mondai Shunketsu bothered. And now… chapter 2.

MrSing: Mondai took the full brunt of this fic to protect us from it. *Presses F to salute*

Crazy56U: Oh come on!!!



-8 Years Later-

"DADDY, WHERE ARE YOU!?” said Lightning-Bolt.



Crazy56U: I WAS KIDDING ABOUT RAINBOW BEING PREGNANT



"Right here, son," I said.



Scarlet: “Not you, I meant my real Daddy!”

Crazy56U: [Lightspeed] “In the trash, where I belong!”



"Dad, where’s mom?" asked Lighting-Bolt.



SC276: This one must be the living typo.

MrSing: “Six feet under in the backyard. Why’d you ask?”

Crazy56U: She left you once she realized how worthless Lightspeed was.



"She's out getting you some more school supplies.



Crazy56U: ...kinda doesn’t prove me wrong, story...



Why don't we learn some new magic?" I asked.

"Ok, Daddy," said Lightning-Bolt.



Scarlet: Of course this is a logical progression. From clop straight into babies.

MrSing: Finally we learn how babby is formed.

Crazy56U: I don’t think the Author took Sex Ed...



And so, a father and son bonding experience ensued.



MrSing: “But that shit’s boring. Have a recap instead.”

Crazy56U: “Unfortunately, we don’t have the budget to show that.”



8 years ago, Lightspeed married Rainbow Dash, and then she became pregnant.



Scarlet: Not necessarily in that order.

SC276: Also, logical progression from first-person to third-person.

MrSing: It was kinda awkward that they did it right on the altar. The cake was nice though.

Crazy56U: ...at least until they decided to bang on top of it.



11 months later, Lightning-Bolt was born. Their son really liked weather, yet Lightspeed as a father still wanted to teach him everything he knew and to receive an education like the other colts.



MrSing: He didn’t want his son to grow up into one of those weather liking hobos.

Crazy56U: Leave Crazy Dave out of this!



As a colt, Lightning-Bolt was very gifted in magic and flying.



Scarlet: His father resented his genius, and plotted to kill his son in order to preserve his place on the throne and prevent an uprising.

Crazy56U: That’s kinda sexist to say that being a boy means he’s great at that stuff, Author...



He too was an alicorn, like his father, but he wasn't interested in the world peace.



Scarlet: Lightning-Bolt desired blood above all else.

MrSing: Don’t we all at that age?

Crazy56U: Damn it, Lightspeed gave his son his Mary Sue disease...



He was fascinated with weather.



Crazy56U: You... already said that?



He always dreamed of working as a weather pony. Rainbow didn't want to crush his dreams, so she didn't tell him she used to be one.



SC276: Why would she quit her job? Just because she has kids? The husband’s not doing anything, why can’t he look after them?

Crazy56U: No, she just forgot she had a job, and they fired her.



Little did they know, their life was going to change forever.



Scarlet: What, Lightning finds a blue card?

SC276: Or he put a foot inside the Hope’s Peak campus.

Crazy56U: Or Lightspeed got drafted...



"Ok, Lightning, are you ready for the force field spell?" I asked.

"Yeah, Dad, come on! I'm so ready," said Lightning-Bolt.



Scarlet: It was the perfect opportunity. Eyeing his son’s fragile shield, Lightspeed smirked as he raised a hammer and

Crazy56U: then Lightning-Bolt blasted it out of his hoof. With murderous intent in his eyes, he attacked his father, and promptly ate him.



-2 hours later-

"COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT!!" I screamed encouragingly.



MrSing: “It’s just an RPG, you should be able to stop it easily.”

Crazy56U: [Lightspeed] “SCREAMING IS ENCOURAGEMENT, I READ IT ON A BLOG!”



"I'm trying!" Grunting with frustration, Lightning-bolt pushed.

"YOU DID IT!" I screamed joyfully.



Scarlet: The joy was false. Both father and son knew it, but neither spoke of it. It sat between them like a poisonous river, corroding the air around it.

Crazy56U: [Lightspeed] “YOU’RE NOT THE WORTHLESS FAILURE I THOUGHT YOU WERE!”



"I DID IT, I DID IT, DADDY! LOOK." Lightning-Bolt said, glinting with pride.

"Good job, Son. I'm so proud of you," I said, bringing him in for a hug.



SC276: We, meanwhile, couldn’t be further from disappointed.

MrSing: I heard you need to install a mod anyway to actually kill NPC children.

Crazy56U: Well, then we should also install the Thomas the Tank Engine mod… Just because.



Suddenly, Rainbow Dash snuck in and pounced on us, but missed. Rainbow looked confused.



Scarlet: She hurt herself in her confusion!

MrSing: The first signs of Alzheimer's are always the hardest.

Crazy56U: She really needs to take that eye exam...



"You got to be faster than that if you want to pounce me, Dashie," I said, smirking.

"So, what did Lightning learn today?" Rainbow asked quizzically.

"Show Mommy what you learned today," I told my son.

"Ok, Daddy. Mommy, watch this new spell



SC276: “-that I learned today.”

Crazy56U: “that took Dad five years to learn, but took me two minutes!!!”



Daddy taught me," said Lightning-Bolt as he warmed up his horn.



Scarlet: He warmed it just a touch too far, and spontaneously combusted.

MrSing: Ripperoni in pepperonis.

Crazy56U: “And then he shot out a burst of magic, killing his dad instantly.”



"You ready?" I asked.

"Yeah," answered Lightning-Bolt. A blue protective orb swirled around him.



MrSing: What is this Super Smash Brothers Melee?

Crazy56U: Or Super Smash Bros. Brawl...



"See, Mommy, I did it!”

"Very good. I'm so proud of you," Rainbow cheered.



Scarlet: “Now do it while flying upside down!”

Crazy56U: “You are so much less worthless that your father!”



"Mom, did you get me my new school supplies?" Lighting-Bolt asked.

"Only the best for you," Rainbow said proudly. Why don't you go pack your new stuff away?"

"Ok, Mom," He said, trotting off upstairs.



Scarlet: Lightspeed watched him leave. They would fight, eventually - but not now.

Crazy56U: Poor Lightning-Bolt... His school supply addiction is slowly killing him...



Rainbow turned to me and pounced again.

"Got yah," Rainbow said kinky.

"Oh Rainbow, not now," I begged her.



Scarlet: Well that’s not a disturbing way of phrasing it.

Crazy56U: Does Rainbow have some kind of sex addiction or what?



"Sorry, I want it so bad," Rainbow said beginning to hump me.

"Oh, you are just asking to get pounded!" I said.



Scarlet: Hell no I’m not.

SC276: *grabs a mallet* I’ll pound you.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a Heavy Lourde) Here, this has some pounds.

MrSing: I’ll pay you a hundred pounds not to do this scene.



"Maybe I am," she replied while lowering herself down to my crotch.



Scarlet: holding a pair of surgical scissors and a brick.

Crazy56U: Oh, dear, here we go aga-



Author's Note:



Crazy56U: OH THANK GOD



This story takes place after the main plot.OK UPDATE NUMBER 2.Here is improved chapter 2.



RingmasterJ5: Well, after that… mess (which yes, is actually supposed to end right there, the fic’s “Complete” on FiMFic), a question for all of you: How did this whole “blind submission shuffle” idea turn out? Should we do it again? I’m sure SC and Scarlet will touch upon their opinions on the matter in their gigantic outro-discussion they always do nowadays, but if anyone else reached this point, throw in your two cents as well.

Scarlet: My opinion is one out of four was a riff worth getting into and the rest were various levels of stupid, boring, or incomprehensible. But I honestly wouldn’t mind doing this again, if only for the variety. And hey, I got to use the Pokemon theme song as a running gag. Can’t be all bad!

SC276: Well, let’s see… #1 was stupid and why would you even come to that conclusion while forgetting unicorns can shoot magic, I’m pretty sure they tried that in the season 4 finale. #2 was dull as all hell; nothing of note happened, which is a crime if you’re including Discord. #3 was decent and started as a half-decent folktale thing, but then spiraled into absurd impossibilities even for folktales and apparently ends in superpowers? I don’t even know. #4… well, it’s #4. Also, it has a sequel.

Crazy56U: DUDE NO SHUT UP

RingmasterJ5: ...wait a second, what did you just say?

SC276: Yeah, if you check the page for the fic on the site, it has a sequel link listed in the sidebar.

Crazy56U: STOP TALKING

RingmasterJ5: ...2K words, and it’s complete? ...yeah, we’re only 9K in right now, we can afford to do this. Looks like we’re not quite done with the riff anymore.

SC276: ...I regret everything now.

Crazy56U: You should.

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, the newly-discovered fifth and final fic of this week’s shuffle, “Crystals in the heart” by xblade.

SC276: I don’t think apologies will be enough...

MrSing: Crunch time, people. Also the community shuffle is okay.

Bucephalus: Honestly, I just skipped the porn part.



When the rich are given money, greed consumes them and they turn everything around them into objects that reflect them.



Scarlet: The heart is no different. Darkness grows within it, consumes it!

MrSing: Those crazy rich people and their mirrors.

Bucephalus: Mirror, mirror on the wall, why am I in this clichéd fanfic?

Crazy56U: ...oh, fuck this. (gets up and leaves)



What kind of world do we live in that our light is taken from our dark?



MrSing: A world where we didn’t pay the electricity bill?



This balance is always tilting. Yin and Yang. If one side were to grow, Chaos would ensue. When the weak fall and the strong rise, only the one who can see through to the heart may triumph.



Scarlet: I was joking about this being a wannabe-Ansem speech!

SC276: Insert something about despair from the end of Danganronpa here.

MrSing: The best way to see through the heart is, of course, to shoot through it.



Lightning Bolt looked up to the sky, lost in thought.

“Dad, I remember when you used to tell me stories like that,” Lightning Bolt mumbled to himself. “Too bad he didn't realize that there aren't ponies out there that can see into other ponies hearts.”



Scarlet: “Except for Princess Cadance but she doesn’t count!”

SC276: Is he reading the narration or something? What story like that?

MrSing: The heart surgeon pony would like to disagree.



Lightning's ears zeroed in on the stranger and his eyes grid locked.



Scarlet: Traffic was held up for miles on the iris interstate.

SC276: The pupil overpass was especially blocked up.

MrSing: Why is he a robot?



Lighting Bolt took a defensive stance and yelled, “Who is that! Show your-r-r-r”



MrSing: Show m-m-me your-r-r m-moves!



Rainbow Dash, with a depressed look in her eyes, said, “You're thinking about him, aren't you?”



Scarlet: Yeah, thinking about Lightspeed leaves me feeling depressed and paranoid too.

SC276: I’m starting to think we missed a story in the middle or something.

MrSing: Well, “miss” is a big word.



Lighting Bolt turning his head said quickly. “No, I wasn't thinking about him.”

Rainbow Dash softened her tone. “Son its ok to be upset.”

“I'm not upset!” Lightning shouted.



Scarlet: It’s past Halloween, I’m not going to dig out the “You’re Lying!” clip again.

SC276: “I’m not crying, you’re crying!”



Rainbow Dash pulled him into a hug. “I know its hard, but-t-t…!”



MrSing: Hehe, “butt”.



Lighting Bolt ripped her hoof off of his back. “HOW COULD YOU UNDERSTAND MY PAIN?!



MrSing: “It’s crawling in my skin! These wound they will not heal!”



DAD MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME! NOW I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S ALIVE! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND!” he screamed, throwing his face into hers.



Scarlet: Yeah, only OCs have the power to grieve! Filthy canons suck!

SC276: “HE WAS MY HUSBAND, THAT’S HOW I COULD UNDERSTAND!” For fuck’s sake...



Rainbow Dash swiftly slapped him.

Lighting Bolt looked up confused. “You hit me.”



Scarlet: The Dash is back.

SC276: ~Dash is back / Back again / Dash is back / Tell a friend...~



Tears flowed down Rainbow Dash’s face.



MrSing: “I think I broke my hoof.”



“How could say such things? Your father loved you. He taught you everything he knew,” she sniffled, trying to regain her composure. “You can't say I don't understand your pain, I was as close or even closer to him than you were.”



Scarlet: Oh come on, he was an alicorn OC! You can pop over to deviantart and find a new one in five minutes!

SC276: I WAS JOKING! KIND OF!



Rainbow Dash shouted angrily, “YOUR FATHER LEFT, BUT WE ARE A FAMILY; WE STICK TOGETHER THROUGH THICK AND THIN! OR, WOULD LIKE ME TO SLAP YOU AGAIN!?”



Scarlet: I’ll pay to see it.

SC276: Does the author not know how to use italics, or what?

MrSing: You don’t leave this family unless it’s in a body bag. Or if you’re Lightspeed I guess.



Lightning Bolt sat there and stared up at his mother while she stroked his cheek. “I'm good.”



SC276: I like how he always says Lightning Bolt so that we can never confuse him with Lightning Dawn.

Bucephalus: Isn’t Lightning one of the most common OC names? At least for the ones who have relationships with Rainbow. There’s also a Lightning Storm being reviewed elsewhere.



Rainbow Dash trotted closer. “Listen,” she started.

Lighting Bolt tried to pay attention.



Scarlet: He failed miserably.

SC276: But failed m- GODDAMMIT SCARLET!



“One day you'll meet somepony. You'll fall in love,”



MrSing: “Fuck against a tree, regret it. Marry, regret it. Have a kid, you know the rest.”



she said. “But be careful, she will be able to see into your heart....” her voice trailing off into the distance.



Scarlet: I’m pretty sure Cadance is married though.



Lighting Bolt suddenly woke up in his dorm bedroom, full of sweat and breathing hard.



SC276: He had a nightmare about his mom? Freud would have a field day.

MrSing: Too be fair, he’s always filled with sweat and breathing hard.



He lied in bed, staring at the ceiling and sniffling softly to himself. hot streaks flowed down the side of his face and he covered his head, unable to resist the urge to cry.



Scarlet: I’d feel worse if his missing father wasn’t the incarnation of blandness.



Author's Note:

This is only the beginning. I've came along way. But I've improved. I think this is a story you all will enjoy.



SC276: There’s three chapters to this thing, by the way, and here comes chapter 2. Stating it here because the original chapter breaks are going to get lost in a haze of riffs, most likely.

MrSing: What a shame. About those extra chapters existing, I mean.



"Well it's another beautiful morning in Equestria! Tom?" came the voice of a particular mare.

"Yes, it certainly is, Vinyl," replied Tom.



Scarlet: Wait that meme boulder? The hell is it doing here?

MrSing: Rocking out, getting stoned, being taken for granite, hitting rock bottom, getting boulder by the minute.



An automated message sounded over the radio: You’re listening to Dubstep radio on 101.9 FM with Tom and Vinyl Scratch.



SC276: What kind of stupid DJ name is “Tom”?!



Lightning Bolt was still half asleep, fumbling about his sheets to hit the volume on his radio.



Scarlet: Waking up to dubstep sounds like waking up to the end of the world.

MrSing: More effective than coffee, but worse for your heart and teeth.



"Wheres the snooze button?" He clicked it with his hooves, groaning to himself after it ceased its blaring. A little bit later, he rose from his bed, the sun baking his face lightly. “What time is it,” he yawned. “It-s-s-s..... OH MY CELESTIA! I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR CLASS!"



Scarlet: Suddenly, Sailor Moon.

SC276: “MY ALARM CLOCK DIDN’T GO OFF!”



He jumped out of bed not evening bothering with his sheets and booked it down the stairs as fast as his hooves could carry him. "I got to make breakfast!" Lightning glanced at the clock. "Oh My Celestia! I'm so going to be late!" he said in a panicky tone. Lightning hurriedly reached for his books and went to make his lunch.



Scarlet: I’m holding out the unreasonable hope that we go full anime narm and he grabs a piece of toast in his mouth.



"Oh, I've no time to pack my lunch!"

(Err…the script has Lightning pack his lunch…)



Scarlet: Author, stop interrupting your story. That’s my job!

MrSing: (Err... the commentary has MrSing making a riff...)



Lightning Bolt urgently trotted to his room to get the rest of his belongings. "Urgh I'm going to be late. Ok so I might as well buy lunch. I really don't have any time.”

(I won’t say it again, the story has Lightning Bolt PACK his lunch!!!)



Scarlet: xblade cries, realizing this story has spiraled out of his control.

SC276: Is the author trying to be meta-funny?! How do so many authors screw this up…!

MrSing: > “Pack lunch”

> “This game doesn’t know how to do that”



"I've got so little time,” Lightning said, hurrying out the door. “Ah there, some bits for later."

(No! Follow the script, make your lunch!!! NOOOO!!!!!)



Scarlet: Existential despair sets in.

SC276: Buddy, you got 2K words, you don’t have time to spend them on this shit.

MrSing: Now the author has no other choice but to kill his creation. What a shame.

Bucephalus: How come we can’t pass through the fourth wall, but bad OC’s can do it no sweat?



Lightning wolfed down his breakfast and prepared a teleportation spell.



SC276: Oh right, this guy’s an alicorn like his self-insert dad.

MrSing: It’s like you’re not even paying attention to this amazing story.



As he was swallowing, he activated his magic and vanished from his current spot.



Scarlet: He accidentally teleported himself into three alternate universes, including one populated entirely by sentient krill, before making it back.



The hallways were empty, save for one colt hurrying to the class of his destination. Lightning Bolt grunts, "Come On!" The bell rings defiantly in his ears, but he hastens his pace and tries for the door.



MrSing: “Oh no! I can’t teleport inside the school without a hall pass.”



He can see his class just down the hall.

"GO… GO… GO... AN-N-N-D!"



Scarlet: Gotta go fast!



he slides into the room, just as the door is about to close. “I’m…!”

"LATE!" replied Mr.Golden. The teacher scowled at Lightning and handed him a slip of paper. “I figured you would be, so I made this in advance.”

"2 hours?!"



MrSing: Mr.Golden had been waiting for two hours to slam the door shut in Lightning Bolt’s face. I can respect that in a teacher.



Lightning shouted, disbelief all over his face. Snickers rang out from the entire class.



Scarlet: The dork who failed to look at the clock- our hero.

SC276: What school is this guy going to? It can’t be further than elementary school; from my own experiences, two hours late means missing the entire class!



"Detention! Aw mare, this blows!" he groaned.



SC276: Well I’ve heard some stupid pony curse words in my time, but that one takes the buckin’ cake.



"Well Mr. Bolt, would you be so kind and join the rest of the class?" Mr. Golden said.

The classroom giggles as the class clown trots into class. Sure he’s the smartest pony in probably the entire academy, but his unruly antics and haughty behavior don’t exactly earn him the respect he should feel he deserves.



Scarlet: Thank you, author, I’m ignorant of basic high school storytelling tropes and needed this refresher!

SC276: Stop projecting, author.



"What did Mr.Golden give you?" a colt asked to side.

Lightning Bolt slams his head on his desk and mumbles, "2 Hours."



SC276: Wait, he got two hours detention, not was two hours later? Then how late was he then? If he was just barely late, two hours detention is completely unreasonable unless he’s a repeat offender, and he doesn’t have enough of a character established for that!



"That sucks, bro."



Scarlet: Much like the material I’m reading.



Mr. Golden yells, "NO TALKING!"



MrSing: “THREEEEE HOURS DUNGEON! I MEANT DETENTION! No trials.”



He clears his throat and straightens his mane. "Ok, class, today I will pick your partners for a big project that is worth most of your grade."



SC276: What is this, my software engineering class in college?

MrSing: My teacher did a project where we had to buy him beer for our grade. I learned a lot in that class.



He lifted the list from his desk and began reading off names, much to Lightning bemusement.



SC276: Which gave way to Thunder humorous.



Going down the list, he finally came down to....

"Crystal, you’re with Lightning Bolt."



Scarlet: “I apologize deeply and without reservation.”



"NO!" They stated unison.



Scarlet: This just in- a rogue “in” has broken free of the sentence and is now free-floating through the atmosphere.

SC276: Authorities have attempted to locate the missing “in,” only to be foiled when they would up in a giant bowl of chocolate pudding. No one was mad, except the one officer who was by pure coincidence allergic to chocolate. His poor existence...



"Yes!" stated Mr.Golden.



MrSing: Ha! I like the cut of his jib.



"I want all partners to set up times, when you can get together with each other and work on the project," he replied. The whole class started to get up and move around to try and find their partners.



Scarlet: Then all of them tripped over parasprites.

SC276: EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP!



"You can do this. It's one project then you don't have to talk with her again."



SC276: Uh, I’ve read the prologue. They’re pretty much set for life. Which produces interesting comparisons to the Calvin & Hobbes arc where Calvin and Suzie have to do a report about the planet Mercury.

MrSing: Ah, back in the good old days when Mercury was still a planet.



He looked over at the strange mare and frowned. Nopony liked this girl.



SC276: Nopony likes you, either, so you’ll get along just fine.



"Hey… um," Lightning Bolt tried to speak, but his brain failed him.



MrSing: He should be used to that by now.



"Crystal"she stated with sass.



Scarlet: What, no Z-formation to go with?

SC276: Didn’t the teacher literally just say her name? If he’s so smart, how could he forget that?



"Salty, aren't we?"Lightning Bolt asked sarcastically.



Scarlet: I get the feeling this is how conversations between the author and his reviewers go.



"Not at all, because ponies are 75% water," she replied in a matter of factually way.



Scarlet: Beat? What are you doing here? Go back to Shibuya before it’s too late!

MrSing: Tragically Crystal couldn’t sweat.



"Well, aren't you just a barrel of laughs?" Lightning said jokingly.

"No, I'm not a barrel, and what is laughter?" she asked quizzically.



Scarlet: You don’t know what laughing is? In Equestria? That’s like someone from Iran asking what a mosque is!

SC276: Oh my god, I hate overly literal people, and that’s not just because of one of my poorer relationships.

MrSing: Spaghetti is just pouring out of her pockets right now.



"Laughter is an involuntary, physical reaction in ponies, consisting typically of rhythmical, often audible contractions of the diaphragm," Lightning said, talking right out of his ass.



Scarlet: No… no that was entirely a valid physical description. This author can’t even find proper insults!

SC276: Who wants to bet that if I Googled “laughter,” that’s what I’d get?

MrSing: No, he actually had mastered his bowels enough to be able to talk out of his ass. It’s his cutie mark.



"Whatever," she replied, flaunting her mane. "Um, listen, meet me at my house tomorrow. Here are the directions. I'll see you there."



SC276: [Lightning] “What time tomorrow?” [Crystal] “Anytime. We’re getting hooked up, it doesn’t matter when.”

MrSing: Good thing she always keep that map with directions to her house in her pockets.



Before Lightning can speak, the bell rings, signaling the end of homeroom. Crystal leaves without saying a word, leaving Lightning alone and confused.



Scarlet: Mostly, he wondered how she managed to switch to present tense.



"Ugh, I can't believe I got stuck with the most emotional challenged, and probably most socially challenged pony as well!" Lightning Bolt complained.



Scarlet: Oh hey, I can use my laugh track button again!

SC276: You are pretty much the same person, buddy.

MrSing: Mr.Golden: “Stop talking to yourself, you weirdo!”



Author's Note:

Chapter 2....well....I've got nothing.



SC276: As you’ve repeatedly proved. Now, the third and final chapter.



It was a nice sunny day with not a cloud in the sky.



SC276: “It was a beautiful, sunny day.”



"Looks like the weather team did a fantastic job with today,"



MrSing: “I like the weather, that’s my entire character.”



Lightning Bolt said while trotting and following the directions Crystal had given him. "Is this the place?" said Lightning Bolt in a confused manner.



Scarlet: “A bit to the right!” Crystal called down as she continued to position her anvil.



"Knocking....knocking...answer the door already," said Lightning Bolt waiting impatiently.



SC276: Maybe it’d work better if you actually knocked.

MrSing: You should see him trying to tell a knock knock joke.



The door opens and.... Crystal trots out. She stares at Lightning Bolt. Lightning Notices and blinks oddly.

..."Are you ok?" he asked.



Scarlet: “You keep doing that whole switch to present tense thing. Are you sure you’re temporally anchored?”



Crystal continues staring until finally she says, "Yes I'm fine," in a peppy voice.



Scarlet: “There, see? You did it again! It’s kind of weirding me out!”



Lightning Bolt stood there with his mouth agape.



MrSing: Spiders just started pouring out.



Crystal turns around and says, "You coming or what?" still very upbeat. Lightning Bolt is completely perturbed by this personality 180. But, in the end decides to follow her.



Scarlet: “It’s got me too now! I’m slipping between points on the timeline!”

SC276: Does she have a switch installed in her back or something? Like a temperature setting, only it’s for how warm her heart is.



After a few minutes of trotting they finally got to her room. It was.... rainbow colored....

Lightning Bolt had no words. He just stood their with his mouth still ajar.



Scarlet: “This might be the single gayest space in existence.”

MrSing: “Your Feng Shui is all messed up, man.”



"Well, isn't it pretty?" Crystal said while staring at him.



SC276: [Lightning] “Yeah, uh, pretty, um… where’s all your furniture?”

MrSing: Lightning: “It looks like my mom exploded in this place.”



Tears well up in lightning's eyes. In his mind all he could think about is his mother.



MrSing: If he ever saw a double rainbow he would explode in a shower of angst.



Crystal noticed this and acted quickly, moving in fast. She could see it in his eyes; pain, sadness.... so much sadness, anger; all of this was welled up inside his heart.



SC276: That’s how I get when I read Mykan.

MrSing: It reminded her of the time that Lightning had punched a kid for eating a rainbow ice cream.



She tried to get close but he moved back.



Scarlet: Wait why would reminding Lightning of his mother hurt? Isn’t it Dash who survived?

SC276: Maybe she died or something and left him fending for himself, because it’s not like she has five friends that are various degrees of qualified for surrogate parent.

MrSing: Would you adopt Lightning?



"Leave me alone," Lightning Bolt said in a messy arraignment of emotions.

"No," Crystal said in a serious tone. "You need help and I can help you!" She pushed Lightning to the ground.



Scarlet: “The problem is that your heart is aching, right? Not a problem if I just remove it!”

MrSing: “Nothing that a friendly wrestling match can’t solve.”



"Wait, how could possible help me and you barely know me?" asked Lightning Bolt questioningly.

She starts laughing then, which made Lightning very confused. She looks down at him and smiles.

“Because I can see inside your heart,” Crystal replied.



Scarlet: “I know everything about you. E v e r y t h i n g.”

SC276: “So play. nice.”

MrSing: “You should really cut down on the cholesterol.”



Lightning had no response to this.



SC276: Neither do I, actually.



He couldn’t believe this was happening. It was all so overwhelming. As she gets closer to his face, their eyes locked, staring deep into his heart.



Scarlet: Through the now-opened wound in his chest.



She was so close to his face that they were a millimeter apart from each other. Then finally, their faces met, and she dove right for his mouth.



Scarlet: He struggled as she dislocated his jaw, forcing herself through. His body was about to fly apart.

SC276: Can’t be much of a dive if she was only a millimeter away. I’m guessing the author doesn’t know just how freakin’ small that is.

MrSing: Fanfiction is why America won’t switch to the Metric system.



Lightning Bolt didn't know whether to be turned on by this, or be disgusted.



Scarlet: Well I was going for the latter, but I can think of a few vore fans who’d go with door number one.



She kept digging her tongue into his mouth. Finally he gave up and welcomed her advance.



Scarlet: Including you, apparently.



This sensation was so odd, yet it felt so good. He never wanted this to end. Unluckily for him Crystal pulled back. He begged and pleaded for her to keep going. But, she couldn't until she cleared up that emotional distress.



SC276: Us next.



Just then, she felt something throbbing under her. She got off him to see his stallionhood standing erect at attention.



Scarlet: No, no, it’s supposed to get erect and then you get him off!



"Aw, it’s so big," purred Crystal. That was biggest cock she had ever seen.



SC276: Why does she have something to compare to, and didn’t they literally hate each other’s guts yesterday?

MrSing: Just wait until you see his chickens.



"I think I know how to help you,” she said kinkily. She moved down slowly, licking all the way down to his massive length. "Ready to take your medicine?" she asked, eyeing it and ready to pounce.



Scarlet: She held up a bottle of nyquil.



"WAIT!" said Lightning, in a rushed and nervous tone.

"Yes," Crystal said while continuing to ready herself.



Scarlet: Wait hold on, what?



"I don't think i'm ready for this,"said Lightning in a not so assuring manner.



Scarlet: Aaahhh, just what I needed: Potential rape!



"I think you've needed this for a long time," she said before moving closer to the tip. Finally, it happened.

BOOP.



Scarlet: The universe ended.

SC276: Not with a bang, but with a woo-hoo.

MrSing: This is what happens when you don’t spend money on sound effects.



As her nose cringes on the tip of the cock, she follows up with a kiss. This turned on Lightning so much.



SC276: If he wasn’t turned on before, than how was he already hard?

MrSing: You really don’t want to know.



"Wow, you must really like that. Well then, you’re going to love this," she says while grabbing his length with her hooves. She then proceeds to lick up and down him like a Popsicle.



Scarlet: However since hooves are rigid, hard objects, she crushed him before he could remotely begin to get off.



"Oh my-y Celestia-a-a.



MrSing: “Who is Celestia? Are you cheating on me!?”



This feels so-o-o-o goo-d-d-d,"said Lighting in a state of bliss. She then moved to licking the lip. Precum started leaking and she drank that all up.



Scarlet: I feel like I’m listening to the lyrics of a shitty sex rap.

SC276: Why am I here? I could be solving teen murders right now.

MrSing: I could be murdering teens right now.



"You taste so good," she moaned. She started to suck on the tip and this drove Lightning out of his mind.



SC276: We’re already out of ours, thank you.



He couldn’t help but moan. She noticed this and decided to go further down his length. He could feel her warm suckling mouth bobble up and down him. As he increased his moaning, she increased her pace.



Scarlet: To the point where, without meaning to, she swallowed his scrotum entirely.



Finally he bottomed out in her mouth. She wanted him so badly to release all of his emotions and let the past go but in order to do that she had to make him "release" his warm seeds.



Scarlet: Why give a total stranger a blowjob over that when you can just plant a window garden?

SC276: Why does she give a fuck about his well-being again?

MrSing: The project will affect most of their grade, duh.



After a few minutes of this going on, he couldn't hold back any longer. "Crystal I'm going to cum," he said while he felt like he was going to explode.



Scarlet: Is this a thing people who are having sex actually say to each other?



"Good, give it to me. All in my mouth. Your emotions, your pain, your suffering and most of all your love," she said then,



SC276: Somehow, considering she has a giant dick in her mouth.

MrSing: She’s a goddamn changeling!



going back down on his length. Finally he came, spurting out hot seeds right down her throat. "Mhmhmhm. That was amazing."



Scarlet: Given he’s never done this before, I would’ve expected him to last about half that time.



Lightning was in a state of pure bliss. He was slowly coming back down. "Hehe, I guess you liked it," she said in a happy voice.



SC276: I’m bored…!



He finally came down and said, "That was the best thing I've felt in a long time. Thank you, Crystal."

"Lightning?" she asked.



Scarlet: “You have really low standards.”

MrSing: “I’m part of the Special Victims Unit! You’re under arrest for being bad at sex.”



"Yeah" he answered.

"Do you want to be my special somepony?" Something in his memory clicked. He could faintly hear the voice of his mother.



Scarlet: Not the kind of thing I’d imagine after sex, but okay.

SC276: Talk about your Oedipus complex...

MrSing: Well, he did just have sex in a room that’s Rainbow themed.



One day you'll find a special somepony, but be careful, because she can see through your heart…

Then it all came to him. Crystal was meant to be his special somepony.



Scarlet: Rainbow Dash, secret prophet. Possibly Cadance in disguise.



"Yes," he said after a while.

She was so happy. She jumped up and dove into him.



MrSing: He didn’t need that spleen anyway.



"A kiss… one that, he would never forget."



Scarlet: Because she ripped his tongue out in the middle of it. Happy end!



Author's Note:

Well I'm going to explain this.so there no confusion. The reason she didn't open up to other ponies is because she didn't like what she saw in their hearts. The only heart she saw that was worth her time was Lightning Bolt's.



Scarlet: She’s got pretty low standards, or lives in a shitty town. One of the two.

SC276: Well to be fair, this is the child of a self-insert. That’d blind any radar.

MrSing: It was worth thousands of bits on the black market.



Well that's the story ladies and gentlemen. I hope you've enjoyed this story.



SC276: Hate to break it to ya… actually, no I don’t.



I thank my editor and myself. My creativity is a little burned out.



Scarlet: Was this before or after you started?



So if I get inspired again maybe I right a different story.Possible with out OC's and self inserts.



Scarlet: “I’ll just do what everyone else does and use Spike as a proxy instead.”

MrSing: I would advise you to git gud before you do that.



But I don't know. We will see what happens. To tell you the truth it was a lot of fun making this. I really think it deserves a good rating.



SC276: You would think that, would you.



So please it would make me and my editor very happy to see that bar turn green.



Scarlet: Nah, let’s not even bother to dislike it. Ignore forever!



Also if you like these stories and you could follow me. Also tell me what you think of the story. But please criticism and praise only. No slander!



Scarlet: To be slander it would have to be untrue.

MrSing: Ah, the good ol’ “Kiss my ass or kiss yours goodbye” author note.

Bucephalus: …I hate people like this.



Well this has been fun. But, it must end I'm xblade and thanks for reading.



Scarlet: And thank you for finally finishing. So, is this guy going to be on our future options list? Because he’s such a deliciously easy target.

SC276: Eh, lemme check… He’s only got one other story after this, and… it’s about rape and mind-breaking, and… it’s also about Rainbow. For fuck’s sake… I thought I had so little to talk about in the last story because I read it before, but… no, this author just can’t deliver content worth giving a shit about.

Scarlet: Yeah, I’m not really motivated to deliver an outro this time. It started as SC and I feeding into each other’s need to sum up a story after reading, but how do you sum all these up? “Bleh”, “Meh”, “Bwah?”, “Hah!” and “Pfffft!” roughly in that order?

MrSing: Pfheh. That’s all.

Bucephalus: If we’re voting, can I vote we just stay away from his stuff? At least Chatoyance and Mykan have some variation in their stuff. Sure, it’s all variations of the same crappy ideas, but at least they try to have differences in their work. This guy just writes really, really, really bad porn.

Scarlet: Precisely. It’s a comic gold mine! I mean, say what you will about most other authors we’ve covered but Chatoyance has legitimately strong stories and prose, and Mykan… okay there is nothing positive about Mykan, but Pen Stroke ain’t that bad. I think the best riffs tend to come from fountains of derp that continually surprise us by going one note dumber than we’ve expected.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: You fucking asked for this.

Fallen Prime: This is what you get when you don’t send submissions. You make us look for them. And when you do that, you get Five Nights at Freddy’s crossovers and no one walks away feeling clean afterwards.

RingmasterJ5: This fic is very strange in that it’s written in a way that slowly reveals how dumb the situation is over time, in a way that looks like it should be part of a trollfic but really isn’t. So, it turns from “OC stallion is gets a job at a pony version of the pizzeria” to… well, I won’t spoil it, but it should work well as a riff.

Fallen Prime: So basically, this ain’t your grandpappy’s FNAF crossover.

RingmasterJ5: And once the whole situation is revealed, it becomes what might just be the most incredibly fucking pointless story we’ve ever ran.

Fallen Prime: Apparently that’s a thing we have to rank now.

RingmasterJ5: Now it is, at least. Either way, without further ado, “My Little Fazpony” by A Derpy King Boo. ...Goddamnit, the author’s name made my usual intro bit rhyme.

MrSing: Already the dark forces of FNAF are corrupting the quality of the writing.

Scarlet: They said I might skip this one. They were WRONG. I don’t run from animatronics. I… um… well, I admire their aesthetic direction and contribution to evolving concepts of the survival horror genre! or something! I don’t really give a fuck about FNAF! Go riff!

SC276: I’ve seen a FNAF/pony crossover that worked. Inasmuch as crossing these two series could possibly work. Also, I am resisting the urge to dynamic intro through the wall blaring rock fanmusic, since I’d probably get my ass kicked for that. *puts on a tiny adorable top hat* Let’s party!

Crazy56U: Now I’m glad I didn’t submit anything!

Topher: You know, I’m actually kind of a fan of the FNAF series. The gameplay is pretty lackluster, but it does provide some great horror via creepy-as-fuck visuals and sound direction that really works in its favor. Let’s see how trying to convert these things to text pays off! This can only end well.



My Little Fazpony



Crazy56U: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.



'Twas but an ordinary Friday afternoon here in this quaint little town known as Ponyville.



Crazy56U: You know, excluding the group of ponies singing that goddamn song.

SC276: The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Mudville nine that day...

MrSing: Ey govenuh! What’s with them faux posh writin’?

Trekker: Twaz waz Bratz: The Splatty Ratz That Are Gnatz Covered in Shatz. Fanzy enough for you?





The sun was warm and shining, birds were chirping, and there was a gentle breeze flowing through the air.



Scarlet: On days like this, I think to myself… “Why am I reading FNAF crossover?”

Crazy56U: It was that kind of day, where the countrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.

Trekker: Nope. *Proceeds to let out a fart* Not so gentle anymore



The Pegasi outdone themselves,



Sigma: Oh, great, the narrator’s a redneck.

Crazy56U: Hey now, let’s not jump to conclusions yet; wait until he mentions loving the Confederate Flag...



as they usually do, and today was absolutely perfect.



Scarlet: ~Morning in Ponyville shimmers! Morning in Ponyville shines!~

SC276: Well something terrible isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Crazy56U: Perfect… for spoops!!!



I was currently in the home of my beloved marefriend and was as happy as any colt could ever be.



Scarlet: We’re proud of you.

Crazy56U: He’s not happy because he has a marefriend, mind you, he’s just happy to be living inside again.



Inside the home of my marefriend, she had a newspaper -



Crazy56U: The Onion.

MrSing: Always a good reason to be ecstatic.



the Ponyville Express



Crazy56U: ...so, pony-The Onion.



- on the coffee table. I had glanced at it for a while and noticed the headliner for today's edition:



Crazy56U: Shitty Crossover Inbound

MrSing: “Dragon with Dandruff Scales Local Mountain.”



Giant Food Chain to Open Ponyville Location.



Scarlet: Unfortunately, ponies are herbivores and were stuck at the bottom.

Crazy56U: About fucking time Ponyville got a Taco Bell, let me tell ya...

MrSing: “Now hiring ponies at 5 bits per pound. Wings prefered.”



I swear that my marefriend knows all about me and can read me up and down, back and forth, inside and out, just like a page-turning, mind-grabbing novel.



SC276: One with a lot of overblown description.

Crazy56U: So like a coloring book, then?

MrSing: If he were a book he would be only one letter. And not one of the good ones either.



She called to me from the other room as she was preparing hot cups of coffee for us both.



Scarlet: The domestic life of Nameless Colt is so exciting. It’s truly the detail people wanted.

Crazy56U: Here we've secretly replaced the fine coffee she usually serves with Folgers Crystals. Let's see if they can tell the difference...



"Have you heard that the new place is hiring?" She called to me.



Crazy56U: Can’t be bothered to tell us a name, huh… Figures… (starts drinking Diet

Coke)



"I have, Twily," I replied back, although I hadn't exactly heard the last part of her question correctly.



Scarlet: *makes a sudden record scratch noise*

SC276: Wait…

Crazy56U: (stops mid-drink)

MrSing: （・∀・）... wait what （・Ａ・）

Topher: *sigh* You know, I should be angry about this. It should be the most asinine thing I’ve ever seen. But before I decided to point my guns at cartoon horses, I tried to riff FNAF fanfics. If this follows any of the trends I saw, this is only the beginning of where things go wrong.



"They're supposedly looking for a few applicants and transferring other ponies to that spot as well," Twilight answered back,



Scarlet: No, I’m sorry, go back a sentence. I feel like I missed something. You’re dating Twilight? Isn’t that kind of… I mean… is that really how you want to introduce the main character? Twilight’s unnamed boyfriend? Who is this guy and where did he come from?

SC276: We’re not even maybe three paragraphs and already we’re flying in the wrong direction. At least give us a freakin’ name, you goddamn…! *throws a Foxy plushie at the fic*

Crazy56U: ... (spits out Diet Coke)

MrSing: Can they transfer me to a better story? That would be great.

Topher: *picks up Foxy plushie, places it in the closet, and shuts the door* We’ll just let that simmer for a bit and let it out for a gag later.



reentering the foyer of her home, cups of coffee dazzled with her magenta colored aura, following her close behind.



Scarlet: You’re not going to answer me, are you, story. That’s cool.

SC276: OK, “Twilight’s Kingdom” was May 2014. FNAF1 came out August of that year. So this is in… whatever the heck that castle’s named. Does it have an official name yet?

Scarlet: I call it “The Friendship Castle” but I have no idea if that’s official.

Crazy56U: I call it the Crystal Death Place.

Trekker: I prefer the name Laurenskull, but meh.

MrSing: Missed opportunity to call it Fort Friendship.

Topher: I call it “Little Crystal Empire.”

RJ: Twilight Castle of Friendship and Pancakes.



I had taken my cup and wrapped it around in my indigo colored aura and thanked Twilight for the preparation of the coffee, not only for myself, but for herself too.



Scarlet: Well, at least I know you’re a unicorn now. Thanks, Nameless Colt!

SC276: That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Crazy56U: Who’s to say he is a unicorn, though? Maybe he’s an alicorn, just to make this more shitty...

MrSing: “Thank you for making coffee for me. Thank you for making coffee for you. Thank you for making coffee for two.”

Topher: Wait a minute… Twilight sparkle is purple… She is very smart, meaning she would definitely know how complex animatronics work inside and out, and the show showed that she spends her time doing nothing, so she would probably get a job somewhere, like at Freddy Fazbears, and she also spends a lot of time around foals… ZOMGTWILIGHTISPURPLEGUYILLUMINATIHL3FNAF5CONFIRMED!



She didn't need to do this, but she wanted to do it. That's why I love my little Twily;



Scarlet: Dude, you’re using the same pet name for her as her older brother. That’s not even remotely creepy!

Crazy56U: Well, given how some people assume Twilight and Shining had some kind of incestuious thing going on, I think this adds a whole nother layer of implications.

MrSing: It’s just a cup a joe, mate. No need to declare your undying love.

Trekker: [Shit OC] “I love her because she can make one hell of a coffee mix!”



she goes out of her way to make myself happy.



Scarlet: “Her only purpose was to fulfill my desires.”

SC276: We gather here today to mourn the passing of Twilight Sparkle’s character as a fairly independant mare…

MrSing: Independant? Tell that to Celestia.

Crazy56U: She started taking up pot once they started dating. Just to make being with [Insert Name Of Character Here] more bearable…

Topher: Okay, let’s just name this guy now. We’ll call him… Bear Stuffing.



But, her presence alone makes my day ten thousand times better than it was before I've seen her.



Crazy56U: Before her, he was in a relationship with a miss Rosie Hooves, if ya catch my cold. (ACHOO)

SC276: No thanks, I’m starting to actually get over this one I’ve had all week.

Trekker: I’m sorry. I’m VERY SORRY FOR NOT SUGGESTING A FIC! PLEASE, CAN WE GO NOW AND HAVE A JAGERMEISTER?!

MrSing: Ten thousand times zero is still zero.



Twilight smiled, taking a seat next to me on the love-seat, the two-sectioned couch.



Scarlet: The redundan-seat, if you will.

SC276: I applaud that pun.

Crazy56U: That was a pun?



Placing the coffee down for a brief moment,



Crazy56U: Unfortunately, she set it down so hard the mug shattered. Fortunately, the steaming hot coffee went all over Narrator.



she had grabbed the Ponyville Express with her magic and brought it closer to us both, opening up to the first page, the page that explained, in elaborate detail,



MrSing: “My name, job, appearance, and place in this world.” Wait, that never happened.



about the new restaurant location and the background and history of the chain company.



Scarlet: At first I thought I was just getting impatient to get to the good bits but… no. Some of this prose really is completely trimmable. In fact, this entire intro bit is pointless. There’s a reason FNAF just throws the player character into the job. Nobody gives a fuck about your domestic life.

SC276: The entire background? Including the part about the child murders by an employee?

Crazy56U: No, silly, they aren’t stupid. They Wikipedia’d their own history so that it could be printed. No need getting sued again, right?

Trekker: Should have suggested that horrible Pokemon x K-on! x MLP crossover I read earlier. THIS SHIT HAS TOO MUCH PADDING!!!

MrSing: So much padding you could survive a car crash with it.



I had skimmed through it while Twilight read it in full.



Crazy56U: “I, uh… I can’t read or write…”

RJ: “Just tell me when you get to the sports and funnies babe.”



"Wow," Twilight lightly gasped, "locations all over Equestria and in other countries as well."



Scarlet: I hear Griffonstone really enjoys a nice pizza joint. They’re fun to burn down when they fail to pay out protection money.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, Euro Fazbear’s was a steaming pile of shit...

MrSing: “And four sequels, an RPG, and a movie!”



"Must be a pretty large corporation if they have locations in other countries," I sniggered.



Scarlet: That wasn’t a joke. I don’t know why you think it was. It was not. Stop laughing.

Crazy56U: ...sniggered?

Trekker: MYKAN IS HERE?

MrSing: Large corporations just tickle his funny bone.



"I wonder how they'll do here in Ponyville." Twilight told me.



Scarlet: ...and that was a question, not a- is Derpy King Boo a second-language english speaker? Is that what’s going on here?

SC276: Freakin’ English-as-second-language… Not that I want to discourage people from learning English, but… augh, I mostly hate there’s no decent win-win solution to it.

MrSing: I can’t wait until Skull Face saves us from this conundrum.

Crazy56U: Just spitballing here, Twi, I doubt it will be a good time...



Something towards the end of the article managed to catch my eye.



Crazy56U: “No, the animatronics aren’t haunted and no one died at any of our

restaurants, SHUT UP.”

MrSing: “Look at these funeral benefits!”

Topher: “We’ll even bury you in the animatronic suit you’re stuffed in!”

Trekker: “Warning: Please do not store in moist environments, unless you want it to be extra tight.”



It was a subsection that explained that the restaurant was taking in new applicants. I pointed to it and jokingly spoke to Twilight.



Scarlet: Get eaten by a fox already!

SC276: [Foxy] “Arr, I’d rather swab the poop deck.”

Crazy56U: Tough shit, Foxy! KILL!

Topher: *reaches for the closet door* Eh, not yet.



"Heh," I chuckled, "maybe I should apply for a job there."



SC276: Do it and mess up on the first night. What other way is there to make a FNAF fic following the beats a one-shot?

Crazy56U: Ah, I see why you said that “jokingly”, very funny! (shakes head no)

MrSing: “Hah! Me! A productive member of society. Could you imagine?”



Twilight turned her head to me. "If you want to, Lunar," she smiled, "it would be interesting to see you working there."



Scarlet: Oh, and you have a name now. That’s good to know. Unfortunately for you, you didn’t tell me fast enough, and so I’ll be calling you “Redshirt” for the remainder of the story.

SC276: Lunar Schmidt.

Crazy56U: That sounds like a porn star’s name… I’m calling you Carl from now on.

MrSing: Mike “Lunar ‘Redshirt’ “ Schmidt.

Topher: Eh, I’m sticking with Bear Stuffing. That’s all he is.



I took that as a bet.



Crazy56U: But... why?



"What?" I smirked. "Don't think I can last in the work force?"



Crazy56U: HAH, IRONY, HAH.



"Uh, no," replied Twilight.



"And whys that?"



"Well," she continued, "for one, you've never actually worked an honest day in your life."



Scarlet: Oh hey! Finally, we’re actually getting some defining characteristics for this guy! Maybe I’m being too hard on this story-

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “For another, you suck.”



"Ah, but that's where you're wrong, Princess," I smiled.



"You know I don't like you calling me that, Lunar," Twilight told me, although this was information I knew prior.



Crazy56U: [Carl] “(chuckles) I’m such a likeable guy, I swear…”



"I know," I stated, looking at my wings,



Crazy56U: CALLED IT!



then at Twilight's, then back at mine, "it 'places you ahead of me.' I know what you mean."



Scarlet: Nope. Nevermind. We are right back to me wanting to watch this guy get mauled.

SC276: How the hell did Twilight even notice this guy?

Crazy56U: Maybe Pinkie dared her to date him…

Topher: [Twilight] “Hey, buddy? My eyes are over here. Stop staring at my wings.”



"How does it place me above you?" Twilight questioned, tickling me with her wing. "You're an alicorn too, you know; an alicorn Prince, mind you."



SC276: Oh god fucking dammit.

Scarlet: You know, this is kind of a significant detail. Are we not going to establish anything about- no? Okay then, never mind.

Crazy56U: Why did you capital- i-is Carl actually Prince in pony form? Is he going to defeat Freddy Fazbear by singing “Purple Rain”?!?

MrSing: Prince Mike “Lunar ‘Redshirt ;Never done an honest day of work in his life, but rules a country; ‘ “ Schmidt.

Topher: STRAP IN BOYS, WE’RE GOING DEEP INTO THE SHIT PILE TODAY!



"I don't know," I bluffed, "it's just something that I feel."



"Well," continued Twilight, hugging me closely as we sat on the love-seat, "it shouldn't and doesn't."



Scarlet: Right! Well, I’ve had enough of that for now. Time to go make something of my life instead of riffing this.

Crazy56U: Don’t fool yourself, you’re sticking through ‘till the end.



There was a long period of silence filled in the room, only being broken by the occasional sipping of coffee and humming of the aura that was our magic. Life was perfect the way things were at this moment; I don't have any regrets.



Scarlet: ...Okay, never mind, I think I just want to burn this down out of sheer spite. Also? ~And I know for absolute certain/that everything is going to be fiiiiiine~

SC276: *cranking the bots up to 20* Oh good to know…~

Crazy56U: (passes a screwdriver) Here, see if you can try and crank them up to 50…

SC276: Well they’re already pretty high-strung as it is, but I’ll see what I can do…

Topher: And give these to all of them. *hands SC several floppy disks labeled “Torturebot Install”* I know they already do terrible things to people, but at least now they’ll do it niiiiice and slow. It’s a good thing I kept them on floppies so I would be able to make use of them with old 1996 robots!



Here I am.



Crazy56U: Rock you like a hurricane.



I, one Lunar Nights,



Crazy56U: I stand corrected. That sounds like a porn star’s name. ...maybe even

Luna’s porn name...

MrSing: Prince Mike “Lunar ‘Redshirt ;Never done an honest day of work in his- You know what? Nevermind, you could be called Moon Moon for all that I care.



just sitting here next to the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria, one Twilight Sparkle. Time spent with Twilight passed by much, much slower than real time and I had never minded it.



Scarlet: Well, I know your name now… genderswap Luna? Strange man from out of town? Cousin of Baron Silver? Seriously, where did you come from and why are you here?

SC276: ~Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Cotton-Eyed Joe...~

Crazy56U: Carl just got a contact high from Twilight. Pretty soon, the munchies will kick in...



I was mere moments from falling asleep and drifting towards taking an afternoon nap along Twilight's body,



Crazy56U: So, he likes Afternoon Delight? ...well, now we know for sure he’s a terrible pony...



when the petite princess broke the silence softly.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(burp)”



She turned her head so that she was looking at me and spoke aloud.



MrSing: “Do you think they’ll make another Batman movie?”

Crazy56U: “Why the fuck did ABC cancel Pushing Daisies?”



"Lunar," she spoke in her soft, elegant, and sexy voice.



Scarlet: ...you did not just slip me porn again, Ring.

SC276: I’ve managed to avoid most FNAF porn, thankfully. I’d rather keep it that way.

Crazy56U: Damn it, I used my Afternoon Delight joke too soon...



Falling prey to the pressure of conversation, I answered my love's call rather softly and in a very deep and heavily bass tone.



SC276: That he wasn’t using before?

RJ: Suddenly Barry White.

Crazy56U: Twi’s all about that bass, am I right?

MrSing: You are right.



"Yes, Twily?"



Scarlet: *pulls out ‘70s porn music record player*

Crazy56U: I feel ashamed that I had to look this up on Youtube...



"Were you serious about applying to that place?" She asked me, a high amount of curiosity being traced in the sound of her voice.



Scarlet: We traced it using the most advanced of applied sciences!

Crazy56U: ...did Twilight just cockblock him?

MrSing: “Don’t you have an actual country to co-rule?”

Topher: They did, until the Strong Badian army attacked it. All two square feet of his country, now under Strong Bad’s iron boxing glove.



Admittedly, I was thinking about applying there and Twilight's earlier joke



Crazy56U: There was a joke?



made me want to apply even more. Answering her question, I explained to her how I felt.



SC276: And not just using actual dialogue, which is sorely needed because I have no idea how you’re feeling besides high on alicorn for no good reason.

Crazy56U: Redundantly, the narration was redundant.



She smiled, "Okay then,"



"Why'd you ask?" I asked curiously.



Scarlet: This is like the final boss of riffs. Everything I hate from our last four fics is starting to congregate together into one place. All we need now is ludicrous violence and implied child rape.

SC276: Well maybe the Purple Stallion did something extra because fuck it pony fic.

Crazy56U: (pukes on the floor) ...thanks, Scarlet...

MrSing: Dang, I think I skipped the tutorial.

Topher: LESS TALKY MORE MURDEROUS ROBOTS! -y.



"Well," she continued, "they say it's supposed to be a fancy place, all chrome-casted walls and whatnot.



SC276: Because chrome has totally been invented by pony time.

Crazy56U: Apparently, this takes place in the future. After all, everything is chrome in the future.

MrSing: Because restaurants and heavy metals just work so well together.



I was thinking maybe we could get dinner there one day with...an employee discount, y'know? Try it out first."



Scarlet: I’m sorry, isn’t the entire idea behind FNAF that the pizzeria is like a shitty Chuck-E.-Cheese rip off? Trashy, kiddy, full of greasy pizza and overpriced arcade games with lame prizes? Twilight would still totally go there, but that description sounds… what?

SC276: It’s like trying to set up a romantic candlelight dinner at a McDonald’s.

Crazy56U: Or getting married at Carl’s Jr.

Topher: That is so specific that I feel like if I Google it, it’ll turn out to be real, and a little piece of my soul will die.



I laughed a bit at the idea, but understood where Twilight was coming from. "I'll give the place a tryout," I told her, "then we can decide on dinner, Twily."



Scarlet: I give him one night.

SC276: Trust me, I’ve been working on that. Though so far, attempts to get these guys to 21 are proving quite difficult.

Crazy56U: Screwdriver didn’t work? (pulls out a power drill) Try this…

Topher: Let me see if I have any more floppies. *rummaging in his bag*



"Thank you, Luny," Twilight laughed jokingly. She knew I hated being called "Luny."



SC276: Well we kinda hate you exist, so it evens out.

Crazy56U: Well, then, it’s a good thing I’m calling you Carl, then, eh Carl?



To me, it sounded too feminine,



Crazy56U: [Carl] “LIKEABLE CHARACTER, THAT’S ME!”



but then again, getting my name and my mentor's name mixed up was an often occasion.



Crazy56U: (sigh) Of course...



Lunar and Luna, not a very subtle difference, wouldn't you say?



MrSing: It’s almost like someone was incredibly lazy in naming you.

Crazy56U: Or this is a case of copyright infringement...



Add one letter to one name and you get a different pony in a different gender, but y'know, I often get mistaken as a mare based off of my name.



MrSing: “Yeah, that must totally be the reason.” [sweating intensifies]

Crazy56U: No, I think there are different reasons for that...



Let it be known that I am a colt; a Prince. I am in no way, shape, or form a mare or princess nor will be.



Scarlet: Jesus, man, we get it! You have a penis! We don’t care! It’s My Little Pony, nobody gives a flying feather if you’ve got nuts or not! We’re not going to judge your masculinity!

Crazy56U: Also, you don’t need to keep capitalizing “prince”! Either admit you’re actually Prince in pony form and sing “Purple Rain” or fuck off!

Topher: The Bear Bait formerly known as Prince.



Twilight often teased me by calling me "Luny,"



SC276: Because he’s crazy in bed, apparently.

Crazy56U: Because, like you, the nickname was shit.



but the joke is on her that I don't mind 'her' calling me that.



SC276: Interesting method of emphasis, author.

Crazy56U: And the narration got a lot more stilted, somehow...

MrSing: “I’m a ‘colt’ and my ‘marefriend’ ‘princess’ ‘Twilight’ is a nice ‘mare’ that ‘loves’ me very much.”



Were it anypony else, then I'd have a problem. But, alas, it is her, so there need not be a problem that exists in my simple-natured self.



Scarlet: Good to know, Luny.

SC276: Yeah, a prince, simple-natured. Those totally don’t contradict each other. Augh…

Crazy56U: In other words, it’s cool when she does it because she turns you on.



Not too long after our little sub-conversation, a knock came from the front door.



MrSing: Oh! That must be the delivery man with his order of biodegradable plot twists!

Crazy56U: “OPEN UP, IT’S THE POLICE!”



Groaning slightly because she wanted to remain alone with me - I could tell - Twilight gently arose from the love-seat and approached the birch door.



SC276: I don’t know what the front door of that castle made up, but I’m not entirely sure it’s birch.

Crazy56U: It’s made of crystal. Literally the entire castle is made out of crystal, even if it doesn’t seem like it. The beds? Crystal. The books? Crystal. The food? Crystal. Fourth thing? Crystal. Crystal Death Place is 100% crystal and I just proved it, trust me, I have a Tumblr, that proves my legitimacy.that is actually my Tumblr

Scarlet: So in other words one could say it’s nothing but Crystal Gems?

Crazy56U: 100% crystal, Scarlet, 100% crystal.



The knock came again rather quickly, so I had jumped to the conclusion that our good friend Pinkie Pie had dropped by to pay us a visit.



Scarlet: I’ve never wanted a story to turn into Cupcakes as much as I have right now.

SC276: [Bonnie] “Why do they call it a hacksaw?”

Crazy56U: I’m not pulling out that definition again.

Topher: I’m not writing another song about it either.



"Hold on, Pinkie," Twilight assumed, "I'll be right there."



Crazy56U: As Twilight approached the door, she quietly loaded her shotgun.



The knock came a third time by the time Twilight had reached it. Surrounding the birch door with her magenta colored aura, Twilight opened up the door carefully and with ease.



Scarlet: Can I just issue a public apology to Pen Stroke now for thinking he was the only author who pads door-opening this much, or should I wait until the end and see how deep the rabbit hole goes?

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Thank for explain mechanics of door.



It was an older door and so it needed to be treated with much TLC.



Scarlet: Pen Stroke, I am so sorry.

SC276: Ohhhh, tending loving care. I’ve been reading a Gregory Horror Show fic that had that acronym and wondered what it meant.

Crazy56U: And as such, like The Learning Channel, Twilight violently ripped the door off its hinged and threw it like it was a steaming pile of crap into the distance. ...fuck The Learning Channel.

MrSing: I can’t believe that I find the relationship between Twilight and this door better written than her’s and Luny’s.



Once the door opened up fully, our assumption of the company being Pinkie Pie had been confirmed as the pink party pony had been bouncing up and down in place at first glance.



Scarlet: On second glance, the world was bobbing up and down beneath her, and she was just floating in place.

SC276: Like Thor’s hammer, except Pinkie.

Crazy56U: Little did they know that Pinkie was playing with the Mirror Pool again and had unleashed another swarm of clones into the town...



Chuckling slightly, Twilight acknowledged Pinkie Pie's visit and invited her inside.



"Not right now, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie spastically replied.



Scarlet: “Spastically”... I’m...why… do you even English.

SC276: ~It’s really fantastic / That was sarcastic / ‘cause you write like a spastic...~

Crazy56U: At least the author isn’t taking about any blurred lines. (ba-dum-TSH)



"What's up then?" Twilight questioned. "You're usually never this hyper about something."



Scarlet: Rena, please give that the appropriate response.

Crazy56U: Man, Twilight must be baked right now...



"The new restaurant opened their doors!" Pinkie pie smiled before bouncing away elsewhere.



Crazy56U: It took them 10 hours to fix the doors and get them opened; someone

jammed a penny into them.

MrSing: The rest of this story is now about doors. This is the future you chose.

Topher: Well, it is a FNAF fic.



I called from the couch while Twilight watched Pinkie Pie bounce away.



MrSing: Bye plot device.

Crazy56U: Her name is Pinkie Pie, you jerk.



"Wanna check it out, babe?"



Scarlet: Didn’t she just say- ah, fuck this shit.

SC276: Hey, you can put your thing in whatever you want, that’s your business, just leave me out of it.

Crazy56U: And then Carl transmogrified into Babe Ruth.



"Sure," Twilight smiled, turning to face me while simultaneously shutting the large, birch colored door.



SC276: We get it, the door is made of freakin’ birch. Stop repeating yourself.

Crazy56U: It’s colored birch, doesn’t mean it’s made of birch. Remember, I proved the castle being 100% crystal using logic.



Smiling and obliging by Twilight's decision, I had sprung up from the couch much like a slinky springs to the next step.



Crazy56U: Sliiiiiiiink...

MrSing: So he fell on his face?



I stretched out both my hooves and my wings and took in a long, satisfied breath to soothe my innards.



Scarlet: His colon is trying to implode and take him with it.

Crazy56U: His liver committed seppuku in a desperate attempt to kill kim.

MrSing: On this day we salute the brave sacrifice of Luny’s internal organs.



Twilight stepped up to me and looked at me with her innocent lilac eyes; her hypnotic eyes.



SC276: If they were really like that, I would think I’d enjoy this more.

Crazy56U: Nah, that would make this stupider...



"Ready?" She asked me.



"Ready." I answered back,



SC276: READY *Mean Man!warps*

Crazy56U: Take me with you!



wrapping a wing gently around Twilight's petite body.



Scarlet: She’s taller than most of her friends and none of them are small by pony standards.

Crazy56U: Well, he is an Alicorn OC, maybe he’s also super fucking tall...



I didn't see it, nor could I, based off of our angles, but I knew Twilight smiled brightly and pressed up against me whenever I did this. She liked it when I wrapped my wing because it provided warmth and hospitality to her, at least that's what she claims.



Scarlet: *jumps back as something explodes* Damn it! My waifu-meter! I just got that!

SC276: Oh my fucking god, where are we going to get to the jumpscares already?!

Crazy56U: (shard of Scarlet’s waifu-meter imbedded in eye) ...I am in a world of fucking pain…

Topher: *plucks various shards from various sensitive areas* Oh, please! We’ve been through worse! Remember when... um… yeah, never mind, this sucks.



We made our way over to her door and as we neared the old birch door, I begun opening it with my magic.



MrSing: CAN YOU HANDLE THE NON-STOP ACTION!?

Crazy56U: I’m about to have a heart attack, there’s so much action...



I was a true gentlecolt because of Twilight and knew she appreciated little acts of kindness like this from me all the time.



Scarlet: “I enjoyed complimenting myself and preening my ego incessantly. I am the sexiest and most studly of all alicorn princes.”

SC276: “Which is why I didn’t get up to answer the door in the first place.”

Crazy56U: (attempts to remove shard; accidentally rips out eye) ...fuck…

Scarlet: I can fix that. *begins rummaging around for a spare eyeball*

Topher: Let me save us both some time and put him out of my misery. In honor of FNAF, I give you: my all new murder method! *slams Crazy’s head into a bear trap, ripping out a chunk of his brain*

Crazy56U: I hope to God you burn in Hell. (dies)



Smiling, I allowed her to exit through the door first before I followed her out, closing the door gently behind me. Twilight smiled at me brightly, showing her signature white-toothed smile.



Scarlet: *insert that one image from Lesson Zero here*

Crazy56U: (regenerates) Okay.



"Thank you, Luny," she teased playfully.



"Anytime, Your Highness," I buoyantly responded before we began making our way towards the other side of town.



Scarlet: I think my brain is in danger of shutting down.

Crazy56U: (nosebleed) ...I think my brain is crying…

Topher: He responded by being able to float in water.



Ponyville at this time seemed to be bustling with a bunch of tiresome worker ponies heading home after a long day of working heavily. It was like seeing rush hour back in Baltimare at about this time. You know, I sometimes miss my apartment in Baltimare and even miss the city noises.



Scarlet: Oh, I see, you used to live in a shitty apartment in a big, urban area. Hey, you know what would make way more sense as a setting for a Five Nights at Freddy’s crossover than Ponyville where you’re dating a princess? Me neither!

SC276: Actually, having the Mane Six involved in any way at this point in time breaks the premise in half. Remember that better FNAF crossover I mentioned earlier? The night guard was Rainbow Dash, and after the first night she wrote her friends immediately and got electric stun clubs for defense. And when they all arrived the day before night 5, they Rainbow Power’d the ghosts out with an author-admitted anticlimax before the shift proper even started because it’s child ghosts in animatronics against Rainbow Power. Which, y’know, blew up a Tirek high on Twilight’s alicorn magic if you forgot. Having the Mane 6 present in any capacity, especially as the loved one of the guy that’s going to be attacked by these things and especially after season 4, is literally the stupidest thing that could’ve been done for this plot.

Scarlet: Actually, you know what breaks FNAF? Fucking. Magic. Unless you come up with a plausible explanation for why a magical solution is no good against your deathbots… I’m sorry, I have more fic to riff. This is so dumb it jump-started our wall of text early!

Crazy56U: Uh… Yeah, what they all said!



But, as great as those things were in my life, they stand nowhere near where Twilight stands. She is my love and she is my life and she knows it.



Scarlet: I think the waifu-meter’s ashes have started to mutate into a new life-form after absorbing this fic’s radiation.

SC276: If it tries to satisfy our values through friendship and ponies, I request immediate termination. ...of it, of course.

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: This is all unreliable narration and Twilight actually barely stands Carl...



It is all thanks to her that I have earned everything I've gotten in my life to this point. It's thanks to her that I have these wings and a crown to wear, although I forget to wear it a lot.



Scarlet: Aaah, that explains it. Twilight made them out of glitter and paper-mache!

Crazy56U: No, he’s been stealing her stuff and claiming it as his own.



Walking through these streets of Ponyville,



Crazy56U: He walks a lonely road, the only one that he has ever known.

SC276: He doesn’t know where it goes, but it’s home to him, and he walks alone.



plenty of ponies had turned their heads over to both Twilight and myself. Surely this would make news and I could see the headlines now: Royal Couple Confirmed?



Scarlet: Well wouldn’t that be yes if you’ve been publicly dating for a while?

Crazy56U: Nope: Twilight Dates Jackass.



Trust me, I had recently gotten my wings



Crazy56U: Yeah. because you stole a spare pair from Twilight, you aren’t special.



and have actually gone out of my way to hide them for a while.



Crazy56U: Because they weren’t yours and you didn’t want Twilight kicking your ass.



I was born a unicorn so having feathered wings be magically attached to my body felt awkward. It was only recently that I had gotten used to my wings, although I hadn't attempted flying yet.



Scarlet: Hey, you know what would be a neat story to tell with an alicorn? Literally any of the struggles you just described there! You know what’s a weird story to tell with an alicorn? Fucking Five Nights at Freddy’s!

Crazy56U: Well, hey, at least it isn’t Slender...



Either way, neither Twilight nor myself let the little attention bother us as we began approaching the new restaurant. It was a decently large building and had lived up to its chrome stature.



MrSing: When I start a restaurant I want it to look like a giant toaster too.



"Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria," Twilight read as we reached the front doors.



Scarlet: Oh, the equinity.

SC276: I’ve already gotten enough animatronic killer ponies from other fanworks…

Crazy56U: (slams head into table)

MrSing: There are no bears in Equestria. Confirmed.

Crazy56U: ...then was Fluttershy wrestling a ghost in “Lesson Zero”?

Topher: Now that’s a spoopy idea!



"An...interesting name for a giant corporation such as this," I admitted, opening the door for Twilight, letting her in first.



Scarlet: Hey, wasn’t it originally part of the lore that there was only the one Fazbear’s? Like, it failed spectacularly? And that built up some of the mystique and weirdness, because it was a crappy hole in the wall?

SC276: Yeah, originally, but then the sequels came in and it’s implied it was doing well enough with multiple locations and sister companies until, y’know, children died.

Crazy56U: ...unless this version of Friday Night Pizza hasn’t had a Bite of ‘87 yet...



An employee had opened up the secondary doors to the building for us both and introduced and greeted us both.



MrSing: There are doors inside the doors!

Crazy56U: Are you tired of real doors?



"Welcome to Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria!" He chimed.



Crazy56U: [Employee] “Why the fuck are you here?”

Topher: [Employee] “How tough are ya?”



"Hello there," Twilight acknowledged.



"Table for two, I'm assuming, Your Highness?" The employee continued.



Scarlet: Riveting.

SC276: You know that “Highness” is actually the proper thing to call a princess or prince? Calling a king or queen that is an insult; you use “Majesty” for those.

Crazy56U: (in a faux-announcer voice) Gazemaze in gazemazement as Twilight and Carl get a table!



"If that's okay with you," Twilight giggled, aiming the joke towards me.



SC276: ...this is a Chuck E. Cheese expy, author, not a fancy sit-down. I mean, I haven’t been by the mouse’s place in years, but I seriously doubt that’s changed.

Crazy56U: The only thing that’s changed with Chuck E. Cheese is that they killed him off and replaced him with a “totally kewl” CGI-poser...



Smiling, I nodded towards the employee for the table for two request. He escorted us both to a larger table than a majority of them, hopefully not putting our titles above the other ponies that were eating here.



SC276: With great responsibilities comes great power.

Crazy56U: And thus, the secret origin of Man Spider was revealed.

MrSing: Maybe he just thinks that you are fat?



As Twilight and I both say: we may have a set of wings and a title, but that title is just a word smacked in front of our names; we are not better than anypony else.



Scarlet: It’s going to be hilarious once we get to the actual animatronic death machines, I can already tell. “I ran my princely rear, which was no better than any other pony’s, away from the terrifying machines which wished to stuff me into a suit.”

SC276: We fucking get it, author.

Crazy56U: Well… at least he’s modest...

MrSing: We put our pants on by teleporting into them just like everyone else.

Topher: I prefer to put my pants on via orbital drop.



The waiter handed us both a couple of menus and left us alone for a while to overlook what they had to offer. Instead, however, I was looking around and admiring the modern quartz design of the building.



Scarlet: Freddy Fazbear’s? I haven’t even played FNAF and even I know what the mystique of the game is built on! This is like setting Silent Hill in a brightly-lit meadow with chirping birds and a babbling brook!

SC276: Has this author ever been to a Chuck E. Cheese’s? In his life? Having a read-at-table menu is the most inaccurate fucking thing.

Crazy56U: (reads menu) $12 for Cheezy Bread, are you fucking MENTAL?!? (looks up) ...I’m sorry, what?



Not many places have designs like this because it's a harder design to pull off, but this place seemed to do that and excelled at doing it.



Twilight noticed me observing the building and commented on it. "Pretty, isn't it?"



I nodded. "It's tough to pull off a quartz design."



Scarlet: I’m just going to take this opportunity to imagine Rose Quartz bursting out of nowhere and singing “What Can I Do for You?” so as to distract myself from the fact that nothing significant has yet happened.

SC276: ~We are made of hate, and we are stronger than this fic~

Crazy56U: What is this, Kitchen Nightmares?



"I'm pretty sure it is," agreed Twilight, "Rarity would love the design of this place."



Scarlet: Rarity? Quartz? It’s only semiprecious! Learn your gems!

Crazy56U: Little did they know that Rarity was trying to get this place condemned due to how tacky it was...



"I was just thinking the same thing," I smiled before finally giving some attention to the menu. There were a lot of things to choose from, most of them being pizza related. There was a regular pie, a pepperoni pie, salad, Sicilian styled pies, and other types as well.



Scarlet: ...has this guy ever been to a Chuck E. Cheese in his life?

SC276: That’s what I’ve been asking!

Crazy56U: Has this guy confused Chuck E. Cheese with a fancy Domino’s Pizza?

MrSing: Where are the grease burgers? Or the heart attack special of the day? At least tell me that if I eat an entire place of molten cheese on meat it’s for free.



Twilight smiled and made up her mind as to what she wanted to order.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “All of the pizza. All of it.”



"I'll probably get a Sicilian pan pie," she told me, "how about you, Luny?"



Scarlet: Why are you ordering an entire pizza each? How is it that this fic is just managing to be wrong at everything? I thought we were done with that after the Pen Stroke riff!

SC276: At least Pen Stroke just screwed up with writing conventions and made everything boring. This is literally getting actual facts wrong. I’ve never seen square pizza served at anything but the really high-end Italian places around here, and that’s like the exact opposite of Fazbear’s!

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Well, gee, there’s so many opt-”

[Twilight] “Okay, you don’t want anything then?”

[Carl] “B-but-”

[Twilight] “Cool, more for me!”

Topher: I wonder what’ll happen when she finds out the similarities between pizza and quesadillas.



I smirked. "I'll probably get the same thing, Your Highness," I lightly laughed.



Crazy56U: And then Twilight, having gotten sick of his shit, punched him in the face

and left. THE END.



"What about the job application?" Twilight added.



"I'll probably ask for that as soon as- Ah, here he is now."



Scarlet: So given that we could’ve just started this story on the first night of Luny’s job, how many pages of pointless prose have we hit so far?

SC276: I have no idea, I almost never look at the original source on these things.

Crazy56U: How much do you want to bet we never get to see him work? It’ll be like that Chinese restaurant episode of Seinfeld… but from Hell itself...



"Good evening, Prince Lunar and Princess Twilight," the waiter smiled.



"Please," Twilight butted in, "you need not call us that."



Crazy56U: Yes, say that to the waiter who apparently isn’t special enough for a nam-



"If you insist, ma'am," the waiter continued, "my name is Sir Cawthon,



Crazy56U: ...wwwwwhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT?!?!

MrSing: Knight by day, children’s restaurant waiter by night.

Topher: SUBTLE, STORY. REAL. FUCKIN. SUBTLE.



the owner of this fine establishment and industry, and I'll be-"



RingmasterJ5: wait what no that it not how that works you didn’t even try to give him a pony name WHY IS HE EVEN HERE

Scarlet: I take it this is a fan rage moment?

RingmasterJ5: THIS IS THE CREATOR OF THE SERIES. And since it doesn’t seem to say anywhere that he’s specifically a pony, you might as well just assume an adult male human is just… there… as a character.

Scarlet: ...Come to think of it, wasn’t there a whole Phone Guy thing? Where the management was so distant as to be a complete non-presence?

RingmasterJ5: Oh, Phone Guy was voiced by Scott. BUT HE IS IN NO WAY SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BE SCOTT.

SC276: ...Fuck, I didn’t even notice he was referencing Scott here, I was sidetracked by their server being the owner! Everyone knows anyway that Scott is the father of the protagonist of FNAF4 and his jerkass brother! ...FNAF4 is confusing.

Crazy56U: (brain spontaneously combusts)

Trekker: *stops for a bit* This story has one review, and it’s from a person named “madokarules”, read:

-I love how you put in the creator of FNAF, it really fits in!-

Says so much about a regular FF.net reader’s mindset. *zips away again to the plot*



"The owner?" I repeated.



"Precisely, Pri-err, sir," Sir Cawthon answered, "I'll be serving you both personally tonight."



MrSing: I don’t know why, but that sounds vaguely wrong.

Crazy56U: Aw, man, I hate that movie...



"So, if you're the owner of this incredible establishment," Twilight spoke, "that means you also handle hiring processes, correct?"



"Indeed I do, ma'am," Sir Cawthon smiled in response, "why do you ask?"



Scarlet: For stupid reasons!

SC276: So the plot moves forward quickly!

Crazy56U: [Cawthon] “Better yet, why do you care?”

Topher: *eyes drift towards the closet* -No, not yet.



"Well," I began, "I was thinking about trying out a job here, y'know, to see how this place really is."



"If that is the case, Prince," Sir Cawthon continued, looking over to me,



Crazy56U: [Cawthon] “Get the fuck out! I’d rather put up with MatPat’s shit again then hire you!”

[Carl] “...what?”



"I would be glad to hire somepony such as yourself."



Scarlet: I thought the Cupcakes Creepypasta had an intro that dragged. I had no idea what I was going to face.

SC276: Come on, I got this sound effect queued up and everything, get to the freakin’ night shift.

Crazy56U: Man, I never thought that pony-Fazbears would have lower standards than game-Fazbears...



"Oh, excellent!" Twilight beamed delightfully.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Now he can’t bum around on my couch all day!”



"I hope you don't mind working as our night guard though, Prince," Sir Cawthon continued.



"A night guard?" I curiously answered.



Scarlet: METAL GEAR?

MrSing: “Isn’t that Luna’s job already?”

Crazy56U: Well, “Animatronic Bait”, but same difference, really…



Sir Cawthon nodded. "That is the last position open that we need at this establishment. Other locations have their night guards and different positions open and available, but the nearest location from here is in Manehattan."



Scarlet: Hey, you know where else would have made a good setting for this FNAF fic? Yeah, me neither.

SC276: And it apparently gets worse from here. Joy.

Crazy56U: Couldn’t be bothered to put one in Canterlot, huh?



"And that's a bit of a hike from Ponyville," I said, looking towards Twilight.



SC276: Or a train ride. Either or.

Topher: Or a teleport, or a flight.

Crazy56U: Or a henway, really...



"So are you still up for it, Prince Lunar?"



Twilight smiled. "It's okay with me if you want to try out the night guard position. You are nocturnal after all."



Scarlet: Then why is he awake now?

MrSing: Probably because of the same infernal force that is keeping us awake during this fic.

Topher: *tosses aside giant syringe labelled “Caffeine, Coke, and just a heaping pinch of crystal meth”* Yeah, no idea how that keeps happening.

Crazy56U: (passes out onto the floor)



I smiled in response, then paid my attention towards Sir Cawthon. "I will take the job, Sir Cawthon."



He seemed delighted by my choice, shaking my hoof in the process. "Alright! You'll start tonight, if that's okay with you."



Scarlet: Suddenly, Fluttershy.



"Most certainly," I acknowledged, "I'll just aid this little one home first, then I'll start working, Sir Cawthon."



Scarlet: “Little one.” Twilight. I… I got nothing. It’s like he’s trying to invent stupid, fucked-up pet names.

SC276: She’s literally the Princess of Friendship. She can walk home by herself.

MrSing: Please stop talking about your girlfriend like she is a child. The implications, man.



"Okay," he replied, "and please, do call me Scott."



"As you wish, Scott," I spoke.



Scarlet: Thanks, Luny!

Crazy56U: (jolts awake) … ...FUCK.



Scott smiled, then proceeded to take our orders before subsiding from the table. Once he had left, Twilight and I began conversing about how interesting it was to have the owner of the industry and corporation right here in Ponyville.



Scarlet: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST START YOUR SHIFT ALREADY!

SC276: C’mon, I managed to get it up to 22 and they’re gonna start stuffing us soon if I run out of distractions.

Topher: QUICKLY! LOOK UP FNAF PORN! THERE’S NO WAY FOXY CAN IGNORE CHICA’S VOLUPTUOUS SERVOS! DO IT! I’M DEFINITELY NOT TELLING YOU TO DO THIS JUST SO THAT ON SOME SERVER SOMEWHERE IT WILL STATE THAT YOU LOOKED UP FNAF PORN!

Crazy56U: (sets all the clocks to 6AM) Maybe if we’re lucky, this will actually work...



"It is interesting, my dear," I said, "but why here?"



"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.



"Of all of his locations," I started to explain, "he chose this one, Ponyville...I wonder why..."



Scarlet: Could it be because it’s the home of two Royals? One of whom just decided to work at the establishment, thus promoting it? I’m sure that has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Crazy56U: I think he’s subconsciously questioning why the author crossed over FNAF with FIM...



"Perhaps because it's a new location." Twilight suggested.



"I guess that could be true," I remarked, still not satisfied, "but still, he has a Manehattan location. Manehattan! The greatest city in the world!"



Scarlet: Somewhere, Coco Pommel has an inexplicable urge to bash her head into the side of a wall repeatedly.

SC276: Just Coco?

Crazy56U: Everypony in Manehattan was found dead the following day after excessive headdesking.



"That may be so," smiled Twilight, "but there are certain ponies that don't like the hustle and bustle of the city life."



Scarlet: I’m sure those ponies will be super-anxious to visit a large chain that’s going to contribute to growing urban sprawl and choke local businesses, many of which they rely on for their livelihoods!

MrSing: Capitalism, ho!

Crazy56U: Twilight is the 1%.



I laughed lightly. "Twilight Sparkle, otherwise known as the pony you can't beat in a debate."



Crazy56U: “Otherwise otherwise known as Egghead.”



"Years of practice, Luny," Twilight smiled brightly.



"Clearly, Twily," I smiled in response.



Scarlet: I think we can all agree now that the fandom was way too hard on Flash Sentry.

SC276: That’s literally because all of them were “but I dated Twilight first!”

Crazy56U: I have a feeling that, before they decided to create Carl, the Author planned on having Flash be the Mike Schmidt in this...



Moments later, Scott came back with our orders and set them down in front of us.



Crazy56U: Oh God, I actually thought they had left the restaurant by now and were on their way home, WHAT IS EVEN THE HELL?!



He gave us a warm smile, then invited us to enjoy the meals.



Crazy56U: Sarcastically, that is; he spat in their food.



Thanking him for what he's done for us, we began having our meals as Scott left to attend other things.



Crazy56U: Which is code for “went into his office to do cocaine”.



The pizza we had was some of the best pizza I've ever had before in my life! It had so much flavor packed into the pizza slices, it actually had me wanting more, to be honest. Hehe.



Scarlet: It’s a fucking Chuck E. Cheese! It should taste like grease and underpaid labor!

SC276: I’m sorta glad I don’t have very advanced taste buds or something like that...

MrSing: Guaranteed to taste like a bad decision or your money back.

Crazy56U: Maybe Twilight was born without taste buds...



Towards the end of the meal, Twilight asked how I enjoyed the meal, and I explained to her that it was the best pizza I ever had. Repeating the question to her, Twilight admitted the same thing; she loved the pizza too.



Scarlet: Please tell me we cut to the kitchen and it’s Pinkie and Cupcakes is happening. I will do anything at this point for a story.

SC276: Stop summing up the freakin’ dialogue. Own your conversation.

MrSing: No. Keep summing things up. In fact, sum the rest of the fic up in twenty words or less.

Crazy56U: This only adds credibility to my theory.



"My compliments to the chef!" I smiled brightly.



Crazy56U: And then the chef came out of the kitchen to punch him in the face.

Repeatedly. THE END.



Scott came over a little while later to check up on how we felt. He already wore a large grin upon his face, seemingly knowing that we enjoyed our meal.



Scarlet: How is this scene still happening?

SC276: The fast-forward button’s not working! *throws the remote at the fic*

Crazy56U: No, Carl, he’s fucking high on cocaine.



"How did you enjoy meals, you two?" He politely asked us.



"That was, without a doubt, the best pizza I've ever had, Scott," I answered.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] “And it’s also the first I’ve ever had, so you know this is a

genuine compliment!”



"Glad to hear that!"



"Our compliments go to the chef!" Twilight added pleasantly.



MrSing: OH MY GOD! This is the same conversation about liking pizza and complimenting the chef all over again. Please MOVE THE SCENE FORWARD!

Topher: Twenty bucks says that Scott is also the chef.

Crazy56U: ...eh, just go back to my riff about the chef punching Carl and replace his name with Twilight’s. ...also, remove “Repeatedly.”



"Why, thank you, Princess Twilight," Scott smiled, "I made it myself."



Scarlet: I feel like I’m watching some kid play with his action figures, complete with all the inane dialogue.

SC276: If this was a small hole-in-the-wall establishment, I could buy that. But no, it’s a multi-restaurant chain!

MrSing: Scott: Waiter, business owner, chef. Why can’t the story be about this guy? His life sounds interesting.

Topher: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Crazy56U: ...my riffs still stand, even if they don’t make sense now.



"You are gifted in the art of pizza making then, Scott," I said.



He pointed to his cutie mark, "That's why this little guy is there."



Crazy56U: How much do you want to bet it’s painted on, like the = on Starlight

Communist...



"I suppose so," I smiled.



SC276: [Lunar] “...Whatever it is it actually is.” ...Come to think of it, we don’t have this guy’s cutie mark either. Five bucks says it’s way too freakin’ detailed.

MrSing: It’s a cease and desist from the real Scott.

Crazy56U: [Phone Guy] “Hello, hello? Uh, this needs to stop, like… right fucking now. I’m calling on behalf of the guy that voices me.”



"Well," continued Scott, "is there anything else you two need?"



Crazy56U: Less padding, more plot.



"I'm good," I looked to Twilight, "how about you?"



"I'm fine, thank you."



Scarlet: Truly, the most essential element of horror is boredom.

SC276: It looks like we’re about a third of the way through? If he doesn’t die on the first night, I’m calling bullshit.

Crazy56U: (to a nearby waiter) CHECK PLEASE!



"Well then," Scott smiled, "the meal is on the house, courtesy of me, and I'll be seeing you in a bit, Prince."



Scarlet: Now I’m bored, annoyed, and I want free pizza. This story has officially committed three sins.

SC276: *ding ding ding*

Crazy56U: You better actually be keeping count of the sins in this; I expect to see a total at the end.



"Oh, why thank you!" Twilight beamed.



"My pleasure, Princess," he replied, "I hope you have a good night."



"You too," Twilight said, lifting herself for the table.



"I'll see you in a bit, Mister Scott," I acknowledged, lifting myself as well.



MrSing: This fic features 80% recycled dialogue. Please enjoy your fics in a similar environmental friendly way.

Crazy56U: Fuck recycling, fuck the environment, fuck Al Gore, and fuck this Author!



"Remember," he told me, "your shift starts at midnight. It isn't a long shift; it will go to six o'clock."



Scarlet: Yeah sure so are you going to give him keys? Fill out paperwork? I mean, I don’t want to sit there in the room with him, but could we just mention that shit happened?

SC276: Particularly if it’s a multi-restaurant chain, oh my freakin’ god.

Crazy56U: Are you even going to ask if he has a fucking resume? Or are you so fucking high that you don’t care?



"Got it," I said, aiding Twilight out.



Topher: USE A FUCKING DICTIONARY! FOR FUCK’S SAKE! NOBODY USES “AIDING” FOR THAT ACTION! IF YOU DON’T HAVE A VOCABULARY, DON’T WRITE AS IF YOU DO! Unless you don’t speak english well, in which case please disregard- actually, no. YOU CAN STILL USE A FUCKING DICTIONARY IF YOU HAVE A BASIC GRASP OF ENGLISH!

Crazy56U: (flinches) ...holy shit, dude...



Twilight felt full and comfortable



Crazy56U: (coughs loudly)



as we left the pizzeria.



Crazy56U: (keeps coughing) Something’s caught in my- (hacks up a piece of the

waifu-meter) ...what...



Her body felt warm along the side of my body. The warm, evening summer air was wonderful and the slight breeze was very pleasant. I had escorted her home, as any colt should do to their marefriend,



Scarlet: Don’t tell me how to live my life, Luny.

SC276: We need to learn how to do that thing where Jeremy just says “Skip!” and we’re instantly over the mushy stuff.

MrSing: I’ll keep that in mind in case I ever lose it and start dating a horse.

Crazy56U: Carl, shut up, this is the first girl you’ve ever gotten to agree to date you, you’re not an expert.



and kissed her goodbye. I told her I will be back in the morning and can continue enjoying her company then.



Scarlet: I really hope he dies. Just. Foxy from nowhere… Bonnie… Clyde… Shadow the Hedgehog… I don’t know FNAF that well.

SC276: Puppet. Have him die by Puppet. It wouldn’t even be game-inaccurate.

MrSing: Heart attack by pizza has my vote.

Topher: I could let Foxy out and let him sort everyone out.. but not yet.

Crazy56U: ...he’s not going to die, is he...



"Be careful now, Luny," she told me, kissing my lips gently and lovingly, "I expect you to come back in one piece now."



Scarlet: [Twilight] “But I’ll settle for two or three.”

SC276: ~Set sail for One Piece!~

Crazy56U: I thought 4Kids was dead?!

SC276: Oh they live… in your nightmares.



I laughed, kissing Twilight back with equal amounts of love. "I expect you to be here when I get back, Princess."



Twilight giggled her sweet and innocent giggle; her heart melting giggle. "I'll still be here, Luny,"



Scarlet: We’ve secretly replaced Twilight with a stuffed animal! Let’s see if Luny can tell the difference.

Crazy56U: Oh God, don’t tell me it’s the one Spike made in that one Creepypasta...



"Good!" I smiled, preparing to leave for my new shift. "I'll see you tomorrow then."



"Goodnight, Lunar," Twilight replied.



"Goodnight, Twilight," I said, "sweet dreams now."



Scarlet: And he can’t! Perfect!

SC276: *squeezes Foxy plush with that little nose-squeek noise*

Topher: *Grabs Foxy plush and chucks it into the closet, slamming the door behind it* Now we’ll have two when the time comes!

SC276: *pulls out another one and hugs it* Good thing I have spares. Lots of spares.

Crazy56U: (picks up Fredbear plush) ...I’m keeping this...



I turned around and had left Twilight's home for my new shift down at the pizzeria. The cool air running against my mane felt good and livened me up just a bit. Twilight said it earlier that I am nocturnal and this is true. A pony of the night, much like myself, comes to enjoy all the features that it has to offer.



Scarlet: The part of Luny will be played by Bela Lugosi.

SC276: Who is dead, by the way, so zombie!

Crazy56U: Or, taking a cue from Plan 9 From Outer Space, we could get some random chiropractor to play Carl...



From the vast number of stars in the sky to the bright full moon, even to the calm serenity and peaceful tranquility, the night is honestly the best part to my day, and it is all thanks to my mentor, Princess Luna…well, actually, my former mentor.



Scarlet: It’s like you’re trying to bait out fan-rage.

SC276: Get to your bloody job and let them stuff you!

Crazy56U: Or, at the very least, let someone else do the narration, you clod!



That in itself is a story worth another time,



SC276: And would probably be even more freakin’ clichéd.

Crazy56U: And filled with even more padding. It would probably take 25 chapters for you to even meet Luna, I’m guessing...



since I had begun approaching the large chrome building for my shift.



MrSing: Can you just take a second and imagine that? Like, really imagine the building standing there.

Ponyville has all these neat middle-age style buildings, and even a freaking castle made out of crystals. And in the middle of the picture is just a giant big block of chrome.

It’s made of metal, so when the sun shines on it, it probably hurts to look at. Not to mention how hot it must get inside.

And this horrible building is just sitting in the middle of the town.

Something that must have looked really cool on paper, but in reality is uncomfortable, ugly, and just clashes with the world around it.

Kinda like a whole monument to this fic.

Scarlet: *applauds* Thank you. Thank you.

Crazy56U: I’m calling back to my Squidward clip, fuck it.



The entrance was still open, but I had arrived just in time. While approaching the doors, I saw Scott start locking them up. He had a discerned face while I entered into the facility, but he let it go, seeing how I was a Prince.



Scarlet: “The discerned face dropped to the floor and shattered. I stared into the void of where his face had been and knew everything I cared about was a lie. I feel so cold.”

Topher: And now it’s a Slender crossover.

Crazy56U: Well, the StrawPoll for this riff did say the shitty crossover would involve either FNAF or Slender...



Entering into the chrome building,



SC276: Does the author have any other words for the pizzaria besides “chrome” and maybe “quartz”?

Crazy56U: “Birch”, maybe...



Scott addressed me for being a bit late, but turned the other way in regards to the events. I had apologized, assuring him that I have never been late for anything in my life before



MrSing: Technically true, since this is the first responsibility he ever had in his life.

Crazy56U: Second, actually, if you count making sure he uses the bathroom...



and that time had seen to slip by a bit quicker than usual.



"It's okay, Prince Lunar," Scott told me, leading me down a darkened hallway, "things happen in life and nopony is perfect."



Scarlet: Hey, quick question- why was he late if he’s nocturnal? Answer: He’s a lazy git who can’t make it to a minimum-wage job on time!

Crazy56U: I’ll see you all in Hell.



I was wondering where exactly we were headed. The place looked a lot bigger on the inside than it did on the outside and I had not seen this section of the pizzeria before. I asked Scott politely where we were headed, but didn't need an answer as we entered into a bright room at the end of the corridor.



Scarlet: “I first realized something was wrong when I felt the prick against my neck.”

SC276: ...I just realized. We spent time in the pizzaria before now, the most excruciating several minutes of my life since my midterm earlier today, and we didn’t see a single animatronic. Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t wait to see the excuse there is for having the bots now!

MrSing: That the true horror of this fic. The quality!

Crazy56U: Oh my God...



Scott turned around and smiled at me. He handed me a small tablet thing and a large mask and told me to take a seat,



MrSing: Miraculously, this did not manage to set of any “stranger danger” alarms in his head.

Crazy56U: It was at that moment he noticed the plate of cookies on the table.



which I did in the up against the middle of the back wall. I exchanged looks between the tablet thing and the mask, then asked Scott what these two things were for.



Scarlet: “I did it in such a suave and dapper manner that if I recorded the words I actually used, you would instantly swoon away.”

Crazy56U: Well, you see- actually, no, too easy..



"Well," started Scott, "the item in your right hoof is the security cameras for the joint and the object in your left hoof is an empty Freddy Fazpony mask."



Scarlet: Oh yeah there are supposed to be animatronics in this place, aren’t there?

SC276: That’s what I’ve been asking! Also, this is FNAF2’s setup. For fuck’s sake.

Crazy56U: So, does that mean this takes place in 1987? That… that raises a lot of questions...



"What for?" I repeated.



"The cameras are meant to monitor the animatronics that are kept here."



"Animatronics?" I questioned.



Scarlet: The Patriots?

SC276: Yeah, you know, the ones that are the main reason for going to an establishment like this in the first fucking place!

Crazy56U: [Carl] “I thought those were a myth!”



Scott nodded. "Yup. They are the pride of Fazpony Entertainment and are super kid friendly.



SC276: [Scott] “Which is why they didn’t show up at all in the adult dining area.”

Topher: Sadly, if they just included this line, it would have at least been a half-decent explanation as to why they didn’t show up.

Crazy56U: As long as you don’t do something stupid, like jamming a kid headfirst into their mouths… Real talk, though, I love how that’s supposedly how the Bite of ‘87 went down...



They are allowed to walk around during the day and mean no harm."



Scarlet: Hey, remember that whole pointless dinner scene? Wouldn’t it have been a great opportunity to introduce the animatronics before setting them up as antagoni- no? Okay then, you do you fic.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “As long as they’re sober, that is… If they get drunk, and don’t even ask how that works, they just want to pick fights with the customers, really, it’s a big mess…”



"So why do they need to be monitored?" I spoke, examining the different rooms in the facility.



Crazy56U: [Scott] “They’ve been caught stealing from the kitchen after hours. Better

safe than sorry…”



"These animatronics haven't been given a proper night mode yet," Scott explained, "so they tend to wander around during the night."



Crazy56U: [Scott] “And, there’s kinda sorta maybe the off chance of them murdering

you, but hey, apples and oranges…”



"Wander around?" I repeated, putting the cameras down and staring at Scott.



Crazy56U: Yep, they just happen to wander over yonder at night… ...I’m not

apologizing...



"Yeah," Scott confirmed, "but they mean no harm."



Scarlet: Jesus, I already used the Higurashi meme once.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “Again, excluding the extremely rare chance of murder.”

[Carl] “W-why do you keep harping on th-”

[Scott] “Look, just, shut up, okay, j-just shut up.”



"So what is this for?" I asked, lifting the mask with my magic.



"That is for you to put on, should anything come in to your office."



MrSing: “This giant novelty Lincoln head will protect you from any harm.”

Topher: The Washington Nationals are now canon.

Crazy56U: Yes, the best defense against murder: cosplay!



"They come in here?" I cautiously asked.



Scarlet: “Being an alicorn prince, I was frightened that if I had to fight one, I might chip a royal hoof.”

Crazy56U: Well, they are technically employees...



"They aren't supposed to," Scott eased, "but in case they do, you can just put the mask on like so," he put the mask on in front of me, "and eventually, whatever wanders in will eventually wander its way back out."



Crazy56U: ...yeah, I’m not making the “Wander Over Yonder” joke again...



"So...how many animatronics are there?"



Scarlet: *begins humming the Pokerap beat*

Crazy56U: Well, that depends on if this is supposed to be FNAF 1 or FNAF 2… If it’s FNAF 3, then we have a lot more issues at hand, and don’t even get me started on FNAF 4...



"Let's see..." There was a long pause before Scott actually answered said question from moments ago.



Crazy56U: Which is code for “he forgot his line and had to look at the script”.



"There are ten of them, but one doesn't move and another won't move as long as a music box is kept wound throughout the night."



Scarlet: ~Catch ‘em, catch ‘em, gotta catch ‘em all!~

SC276: Oh my god, it is fucking FNAF2. And Scott doesn’t even give the explanation why the animatronics are coming towards you that doesn’t involve them being haunted.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “Yeah, for some reason, he has this weird jack-in-the-box motif about him, it’s weird…”



"Music box?"



Scarlet: “Yup. Just don’t wind it until his third stage or you could trigger it early.”

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Wait, wait, wait, hold on, flag on the play… You managed to create music… in box form?! ...what kind of sorcery to you practice, sir?!”

[Scott] “God, I want to hit you…”



Scott took the cameras and hit one of them in a room that seemed far from here. He pointed to a little box on the camera that said "tap to wind music box."



MrSing: And you thought this job would save you from quick time events.

Crazy56U: [Scott] “I also invented the touch-pad camera! Ain’t I swell?”



Giving the cameras back to me,



Crazy56U: All of them. All of the cameras. All of the cameras in existence. Scott is the

God of Cameras.



he explained that a music box was wired remotely to be wound up and keep one animatronic at bay.



Scarlet: Why the hell would you have such a needlessly-elaborate device? Why not put the box in the room with the night guard?

SC276: Because then the Puppet can’t hear it, obviously. The original explanation was that a musical device was set up away from the guard because the company thought they were moving towards sound ‘cause that’s where the customers were. Of course, the author completely neglects to mention it.

Topher: And even in the original game, no one explains why a restaurant full of revolutionary robotics can’t rig up a system to wind it automatically.

Crazy56U: Well, then again, FNAF 2 does take place in a world where super-advanced animatronics with facial-recognition software and high definition tablet computers existed in fucking 1987...



"...as for the others," he continued, "they aren't affected by the music box."



MrSing: “They only care for pop music. But I won’t play that drivel in my restaurant. I have standards!”

Topher: Well I’m glad that somebody does!

Crazy56U: [Scott] “Unless you hit them hard enough over the head with it, but then you’ve pretty much fucked yourself over…”



"Okay," I said, feeling a bit uneasy now.



SC276: Just you?

Crazy56U: Don’t worry, Carl, it’s probably just gas...



"Don't worry about a thing," Scott assured me, "they are tied into local databases and can detect a predator a mile away. They won't hurt you if you don't hurt them."



Scarlet: Wait what? Something eats animatronics?

Crazy56U: [Scott] “That didn’t sound like I was lying through my teeth, right?”

[Carl] “Wha-”

[Scott] “Perfect! Time to go to work!”



"By 'them,'" I hinted, "what exactly are we talking about?"



"What do you mean?"



"Well," I continued, "what type of animatronics are they all? Are they different? Are they the same? Which ones are more aggressive? Which ones are more passive?"



Scarlet: “I’m compiling information for my walkthrough!”

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Are they capable of knowing how to love?”

[Scott] “...please God don’t tell me you want to fuck the animatronics…”



"A lot of questions for a royal pony," joked Scott,



MrSing: Yeah, because royalty doesn’t ask questions? What?

Crazy56U: Scott has clearly gotten sick and tired with Carl’s shit.



looking towards the time, "it's almost time for me to leave,



Crazy56U: [Scott] “It’s time for me to go and do another line of coke, you see…”



but I'll answer that one last question you had. The animatronics include: Freddy Fazpony, the furry and friendly Earth pony and the face of this fine establishment, Chica the Pegasus, a very attractive Pegasus, Bonnie the Bunny, an...interesting character,



Crazy56U: And the only one to still be the same animal they were in the games...



Foxy the Griffon,



Crazy56U: Case in fucking point.



the fastest of them all, then there are the newly design animatronics."



Scarlet: “Very attr-” ..I’ve seen Chica. What. Wha… I… why.

SC276: Toy Chica I could understand, but regular-brand? No.

Scarlet: ...I suppose I’ve got a massive crush on a fish-woman after my last gaming obsession, so I will avoid throwing stones.

Topher: Ruto? Really? Everyone knows the Zora king is the hot one!

Scarlet: ...wrong games entirely, and now I know more about you than I ever needed to. So about the same as before, really.

Crazy56U: It’s the bib, isn’t it...



"Those you just mentioned," I spoke, "they are…?"



Crazy56U: ...animatronics, Carl, are you really that fucking dense?



"They're the older models and they shouldn't move around throughout the night." Scott answered.



Crazy56U: [Scott] “Definitelynotlyingthroughmyteethhere. (cough) Who said that?”



"They're in the "Parts and Services" room right now as spare parts for the newer animatronics."



Scarlet: Then why did you just mention them?

SC276: And why didn’t you say they probably wouldn’t move instead of just one that I can’t even think of what wouldn’t move except maybe BB. This is literally painful to read.

MrSing: Just don’t think about it. The author sure didn’t.

Crazy56U: I have the saddest feeling that the author is skimming the background info so that he could get the story done faster… Which, given the massive amount of padding, means he is not fucking self aware in any sense...



"Why's that?"



"Well, they were from the old owner of the corporation and they've been in service for many years." Scott chuckled. "I've decided to retire them and use them as backups."



Scarlet: Then why are they in your brand-new location?

Crazy56U: The cocaine must’ve really fucked with Scott’s brain… All that Fazpony cash just fuels his addictions...



"Seems like a legitimate reason." I acknowledged.



Crazy56U: [Carl] “And I’m the God of reason, so clearly I know what that means…”



"Precisely."



Scarlet: No. No it doesn’t. Stop lying, story. I don’t like liars.

SC276: I fucking hate this fic. This guy clearly hasn’t watched like a single Let’s Play of this series and is only doing something vaguely based on it for the attention.

Crazy56U: Hell, even if it was one of PewDiePie’s Let’s Plays he got info from, this would be a lot better...



"So if they're out of commission," I continued, "who are the animatronics that I'll need to watch over?"



Scarlet: Please no more exposition.

MrSing: Maybe if they talk long enough the robots will activate and kill them.

Crazy56U: (looks at watch) ...either my watch is broken, or it’s 5AM and they’re been talking all night… (taps watch) ...probably the first thing...



"Those that have the same name," Scott smiled, "aside from the last one."



"What do you mean?"



Crazy56U: Oh, goody, now Scott has to explain how names work...



"Well," he continued, "you'll be looking over what I call Toy Freddy Fazpony, Toy Chica the Pegasus, Toy Bonnie the Bunny, Mangle, or, as she's officially known, Toy Foxy the Griffon, and Balloon Filly.



SC276: Filly is the female children, author.

Topher: Plot twist, Balloon *groan* Filly is just Pinkie Pie. Also, this is so lazy the author didn’t even bother to TRY and change Bonnie.

Crazy56U: Hey now, in this universe Foxy’s a griffon. Having a Balloon Filly instead of a Balloon Colt isn’t that insulting...



They are all the animatronics that are currently in commission and would be the ones moving around throughout the night."



Scarlet: I have never felt less apprehensive in my life.

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure you could take all of the padding that is stuffed in this story and make, like, 100 Foxy plushes out of it...



"I see."



"Any more questions?" Scott asked.



SC276: Can we move to a better story now that respects its fucking source material?

Crazy56U: I swear to fucking god, if Carl-



"Uh, not at the current moment, no." I replied.



Crazy56U: Good. He’s learning...



"Well," continued Scott, starting to leave through the back exit, "your shift starts now and I wish you the bet of luck," he chuckled,



MrSing: “Hehehe, this chump is actually falling for it.”

Crazy56U: “[T]he bet of luck”. The Gods of fate are betting money on whether this clod survives or not...



then continued again, "but you'll do fine, I just know it."



Scarlet: What did I just tell you about lying, fic? You get one more strike. And then…

Crazy56U: Scott is now praying that he dies, isn’t he...



"Thank you," I smiled.



"Okay, your replacement will be here at six to take over for you," Scott told me, "goodnight and I'll speak to you tomorrow."



"Goodnight, Scott," I said as Scott left through the back door.



SC276: Finally!

12:00 AM | NIGHT 1

Trekker: *comically stops and ignores all inertia* I’m here.

MrSing: You missed literally nothing.

Topher: TREKKER! YOU HAVE INTENTIONALLY SKIPPED A PORTION OF A STORY! THE PUNISHMENT IS DEATH. *Slams Trekker’s head into a bear trap, ripping out part of his brain*

Trekker: *slowly regenerates* I’m made of NERDINESS!! YOU CAN’T KILL ME! Why? NANOMACHINES AND BAD FANFIC, SON!

Crazy56U: ...it took about 2/5ths of the story to reach this point... The. FUCK.



The door locked behind me as he left for the evening. I looked towards my left and right and noticed two small air vents.



SC276: Those animatronics are about seven feet tall, even in real life. Those are not small.

Trekker: Remember, he considered Twilight “little”. He has no sense of scale.

MrSing: “My moderately sized pony, my moderately sized pony-”

Crazy56U: And he also noticed that a deadly neurotoxin was pouring out of them...



Above each vent, there was a button and, above each of those buttons, there was small text that read "LIGHT" in big, bold letters.



Scarlet: This is the worst Let’s Play I’ve ever experienced.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, at least Carl isn’t screaming every 5 seconds...

SC276: You think the owner would’ve freakin’ mentioned those. ...And I just remembered Scott forgot to give him a flashlight. He is guaranteed to die by Foxy.

Trekker: I’m going to give Foxy the Arcadia so he can finish it faster.



"I wonder what they lead to," I told myself, then glanced at the cameras, noticing that, in the bottom right of it, there was a map of the entire facility and a small room that let me know where I was in the entire place.



Scarlet: So, hey, you know what would’ve been a great idea? Establishing some of the layout earlier, so you don’t have to waste our time with it now!

MrSing: No time! Brace for exposition!

Trekker: Shields up, Red Alert! Arming catchy music to pass the boredo-TROMBE!!

Crazy56U: I’m sorry, but after the prospect of a map was brought up, my mind immediately jumped to this.



I looked through each room, coming across various places that I hadn't seen with Twilight earlier. It seemed that the majority of this place was kid friendly, as per Scott's words earlier in the night.



SC276: And the adults only see the sit-down fancy-pancy part that doesn’t match at all because why now?

Trekker: Oh Oh, I know! It’s Plot, isn’t it!?

Crazy56U: I once again bring up the possibility of Carl being an unreliable narrator. It probably was a Chuck E. Cheese-type set-up, but Carl thought it was swanky as shit since he was never inside one before...



There was various party rooms, the Parts and Services room Scott showed me, a few restrooms, something call the "Show Stage," a place call "Kid's Cove," and a "Game Room."



Scarlet: Also a “Kitchen” and a “Dining Area”.

SC276: Don’t mix the maps, author. Don’t you mix the fucking maps on me. You shall invoke rage.

Crazy56U: He’s gonna mix up all of the games, I’m betting. And I’ll be fine with that if Springtrap pops in and snaps Carl’s neck and ends this.



Scott had told me that Freddy, Chica, and Bonnie were all upon the "Show Stage," so that was where I checked first. There they were; three unusually creepy creatures just staring into a blank abyss.



Scarlet: And those are exactly the three he said wouldn’t be active, since you didn’t specify the ‘toy’ bit! I’m going to count that as half a lie, story! Just one little bit more…

SC276: Actually, he specified the Toys. He just decided to mention the ones that wouldn’t move first because reasons. Also, I just realized that Freddy and Chica are in fact not anthropomorphic animals and I’ve got Golden Freddy’s head on a slingshot all ready for you.

Scarlet: I was going to go with the Seven Stakes, but your plan sounds more thematic. Let’s do that!



I stared at them, yet they stared elsewhere in the facility towards a spot I could not see.



MrSing: This staring contest sucks.

Crazy56U: The exit.



Pretty soon, I began seeing a yellow exclamation point surrounded by a white and yellow triangle positioned right next to Camera 11, the "Prize Counter."



Scarlet: Oh, no a guard must have been alerted! Quick, into your box!

Trekker: !

Crazy56U: Makes me wish I actually played Metal Gear Solid...



"What's this?" I asked myself before checking to see what was wrong. Hitting the area where the camera was located, I noticed that the music box wasn't making any sound; the dial had run out of power.



Scarlet: Please tell me he gets killed.

SC276: ~It stopped, short, never to go again when the old man died...~

Crazy56U: [muffled “Pop Goes the Weasel” playing in the distance]



Remembering what Scott told me, I wound the music box back up and began hearing the calm and creepy sound from the music box once more.



SC276: Only the fact he doesn’t have a flashlight is how he doesn’t know the Puppet exists yet.

Crazy56U: Flashlights are for chumps.



Opting to check the stage again, I had noticed that one of them was missing!



Scarlet: Oh my god, the wandering animatronics wandered. I’m shocked.

Crazy56U: You know what, screw it.



"Wa-where did you go?" I asked nopony in particular.



I had begun spastically checking the other rooms and noticed that they were all empty, except the last room I checked: Party Room #3.



SC276: Always the last place you look.

MrSing: Why do we have three Party Rooms but only one toilet?

Topher: Ah! Sims logic I see!

Crazy56U: This Fazbears has a classy eating area despite being a shitter Chuck E. Cheese. Clearly logic need not apply here.



"Ah! Whoa!" I shouted.



There, staring into the camera was a creepy blue bunny - Bonnie. He had what appeared to be a guitar in his hooves and was just standing there, watching me, menacing look in his robotic eyes.



Scarlet: ...Again. This is the worst text Let’s Play of all time.

SC276: Walking Alice into the wall!

MrSing: Play Freebird!

Topher: It’s a bunny, but it has hooves. Effort? What's that?

Crazy56U: SWEET CHILD O’ MINE!



Just then, the notification for the music box came back on and dragged me away from Bonnie. I wound the music box back up, then immediately went back to Party Room #3 to check on Bonnie, only to find that he wasn't there.



MrSing: Ladies and gentlemen, Bonnie has left the building.

Crazy56U: I can see it now on Youtube... “Game Theory: Bonnie is Elvis?!?”



"Where'd you go!?" I asked nopony, putting down the cameras and checking down the hall with a light spell, seeing Bonnie run across the hall. "Ah-ha! What the flying-!?"



Scarlet: Wait, hold on- you can use magic efficiently? That wrecks the entire- GAAAHHHH.

SC276: Well I suppose that explains the flashlight, but it doesn’t explain how he’ll eventually be able to see in the darkness of the rooms, or why Scott didn’t mention it before now.

Trekker: Plotholes galore.

Crazy56U: Glad to know what author decided to base his story off of swiss cheese.



I went back to the cameras and noticed that Bonnie ran across the hall into the other room, Party Room #4.



MrSing: Don’t let the name fool you, it was only for the congressional party.

Crazy56U: Aw, man, Party Room #4 sucks, it has those shitty chairs and smells like death...



Checking directly into that room, I was greeted to an unpleasant sight when Bonnie's entire face covered the camera. It made me jump out of my seat and almost chuck the cameras in general when something else grabbed my sight.



Scarlet: “Literally, it grabbed my eyeballs and ripped them out. I felt the embrace of darkness and oblivion.”

SC276: That’s Flumpty’s, actually.

Trekker: I wish Flumpty was in this. Egg vs Alicorn, now that’s awesome.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, John Cena.



Up in the top right corner of the cameras, there was a counter that read "Night 1" and, right below that, a time counter that currently read "2 AM."



"Two hours down," I told myself, "four more long ones to go."



Scarlet: Halfway there. I’m filled with DETERMINATION.

Trekker: And I’m filled with boredom.

Crazy56U: Glad to know you’re living on a prayer, Scarlet...



The notification for the music box came back on again and dragged me away, yet again, to rewind the music box back up, which I did.



MrSing: :Repeat 0

:statement(If there is one thing that’s scary, it’s repetition.)

:End

I did it. I wrote the scariest story ever.

Crazy56U: Huh, that is scary… (dies of a heart attack)



But when I went back to check up on the room Bonnie was in, it had read "Signal Interrupted" up at the top of the camera.



Scarlet: By the way, is nobody else going to ask how these cameras work or what kind of battery they run on?

SC276: Better battery than FNAF1, that’s for sure.

MrSing: I would, but I’m afraid there will be more exposition.

Crazy56U: (regenerates) And Lord knows we don’t need more padding...



"Interrupted?" I asked myself. "What happ-?"



Before I could finish, signal was restored back inside the room, showing that Bonnie was no longer in the room.



Scarlet: oh my god no i didn’t expect that at all aaahhhh.

Crazy56U: Bonnie left to go on a smoke break.



"Where'd you go now?" I sighed., flipping through the different rooms until I had reached one that said "Party Room #2."



Scarlet: He sounds like a frustrated babysitter.

SC276: I don’t have the exact arrangements of the party rooms memorized, but yeah, I know where this is going. And wondering why Toy Chica hasn’t come out to play yet.

Trekker: Maybe she’s bored of this shite, too.

Crazy56U: Also on a smoke break. I don’t blame them...



Inside the second party room, I was greeted to, once again, Bonnie the Bunny. This time, he was crawling on the floor in the room and was entering a vent!



Scarlet: OH MY G- wait I have no idea why that’s significant.

MrSing: Don’t worry guys, he just needs to vent a little.

I’ll let myself out.

Crazy56U: Take me with you.



"What are you doing!?" I shouted, only to be answered by a loud thumping sound coming from my right vent.



Scarlet: oh no what shock.

Crazy56U: It’s the beating of Bonnie’s hideous heart! ...wait, the toy animatronics don’t have kids stuffed in them...



I had started to get paranoid.



Crazy56U: And the Carl puts on a tin foil hat.



Between Bonnie and myself, there was only one camera left, which I switched to and was unable to see anything; that is, until I saw a robotic arm crawling towards me.



MrSing: Great, one of the spare parts got loose again.

Crazy56U: At least it’s not a leg...



"Dear Celestia!" I shouted, exiting the cameras to put the mask Scott gave me over my face and muzzle.



Scarlet: “I then posed and shouted ‘It’s Morphing Time!’ before transforming into Fazman!”

Crazy56U: When in doubt, cosplay.



I couldn't see anything and breathing was a hard thing to do, but I stood inside this mask for a while. A few minutes later, the lights had begun flickering and, right in front of me, Bonnie had moved through the room!



Scarlet: Wow you survived oh my gosh this is amazing wooo.

MrSing: How great would it be if he just died here and the rest of the fic was the robots faffing about?

Crazy56U: Oh, crap! BONNIE CAN WALK!!!



"AH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"



Scarlet: More fic. I know, I’m disgusted as well.

SC276: I would think that’d give him away. Cursing has to be as much against the rules of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza as it is for an animatronic to not have its suit.

Crazy56U: Movement, dipshit.



The room went dark then, slowly, the lights began coming back on, but not before I began hearing another thumping sound coming from my left vent.



Scarlet: I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’s not going to be anything remotely exciting.

SC276: Hah! Knew Toy Chica wasn’t just sitting around.

Crazy56U: Oh crap, it’s the leg!!!



Scared, but determined to make it through the night,



Scarlet: ...hey, Scott never actually mentioned that they’ll kill him, did he?

SC276: They don’t tell you those sorts of things at orientation.

Crazy56U: Pity. Maybe if he did, Carl would’ve quit on the spot and this shit would be done by now.



I opened up my cameras, wound up the music box slightly, then checked out the left vent, noticing another robotic arm nearing me. I placed the cameras down and looked over towards the vent, noticing, once again, the "LIGHT" button above the vent opening.



Crazy56U: Let there be light! That’s, uh… God. I was quoting God.



Using my magic, I grabbed something that could push the button and activate the light in the vent,



SC276: Why he couldn’t magically move the button itself, I’ll never know.

Crazy56U: Carl’s a dumbass, we’ve established this.



only to notice that, staring at me directly from the vent, Chica the Pegasus was almost inside the room!



Scarlet: Ermagerd i’m shocked and GOD this game seems really boring to watch someone else play. Or this guy is terrible at describing it.

SC276: The latter. Depends on the voice with the webcam playing it, but it’s better to watch.

Scarlet: Also wait hold on was I supposed to be scared that robo-pegasus here can kill an alicorn?

Trekker: Judging by the author’s intellect, yes, yes you were supposed to.

MrSing: Alicorns are weak to metal. It’s one of their racial traits, read the manual.

Crazy56U: Dude… Nobody reads the manual.



I quickly put the mask back over my face and waited for something to happen,



MrSing: Wait a minute, how does he put the mask on over his horn?

Crazy56U: He stabbed it through the mask.



but the only thing that I heard was some more thumping sounds, these sounding like they were sounds that were getting farther from my position.



I took a chance and took off my mask and pushed the button again, revealing that Chica had gone away. I briefly collected some much needed breaths of relief, then went back to the cameras, which now read "4 AM."



Scarlet: It’s barely been a scene. I guess the author’s making up for lost time.

MrSing: It still felt like two hours though.

Crazy56U: Really? ...felt like 6 for me...



"God," I groaned,



MrSing: [God]: Wrong universe, nerd!

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, he’s as bored as we are...



"this night is lasting so long! I just wanna go home!"



Crazy56U: SHUT THE FUCK UP.



The notification for the music box started up again, so I checked it and wound it all the way back up, noticing that the time now was "5 AM."



SC276: Gheeze, that’s fast, even for this game.

MrSing: It’s almost like the author got sick of writing the actual cross over part of this cross over.

Crazy56U: Now he cuts out the fucking padding?!?!



"It took me an hour to fully wind that thing up?" I questioned. "And it desecrates within minutes? What kind of-?"



Scarlet: He’s been trapped in a time paradox!

Crazy56U: Great Scott... ...how long until it erases him from existence?



Thumping sounds came from the right vent again, meaning that Bonnie was making a second trip around to see me again.



Scarlet: Which didn’t matter in the end, because if the animatronics don’t kill him I will.

Trekker: I wish I was a witch. I could’ve gone Homura on this royal horseshit!

Crazy56U: ... (quietly slides Scarlet $50) Do it.



The thumps were getting louder and closer,



MrSing: If the vent’s a rocking, don’t come a knocking.

Crazy56U: And now the rest of the limbs have come out to play.



so I exited the cameras and put the mask back on, turning and facing the vent.



"Come on," I spoke through the mask, "show yourself."



SC276: Bring it on, big rock.

MrSing: Can you smeeeell! What the Rock! Is cooking?

Crazy56U: [Carl] “Olly olly oxen free!”



Bonnie must have heard my request because not even seconds had passed before the lights had started flickering and Bonnie himself strolled through the room. This time around, I was prepared and was not scared.



Scarlet: “I only widdled myself a little bit!”

Crazy56U: ...ew?



When the lights came back on, I took the mask off and noticed that the time in the upper right of the cameras I had gone back in to now read "6 AM."



Scarlet: So there’s going to be a sub-plot where Twilight studies the time anomaly, right?

SC276: *loudly hums the Westminster chimes and throws confetti in the air*

Topher: Yaaaay.

Crazy56U: Finally.



"Thank god..." I sighed, hearing the door shake behind me.



Crazy56U: ...that was only Night 1… ...there’s four more nights to go... ...here’s how I

currently feel right now:



Topher: I need an adult. Several adults. With guns. The national guard. I need the national guard.



The door was opened and there stood my replacement. She was a small Pegasus mare and seemed to know what she was doing.



SC276: In the exact opposite way of the author’s writing style.

Crazy56U: But, then again, that goes for everyone else in existence.



Upon entering the room, she asked me how things were.



Scarlet: Once again, words redacted to avoid swooning readers.

Crazy56U: And then Carl broke down in tears.



"Do they normally attack the guards?" I asked, handing over my equipment to the mare.



She laughed. "Who came to visit you?"



Scarlet: Nobody exciting. Just killer death robots.

SC276: IT WAS ME.

Scarlet: SC, you say Dio and I’m going to inflict great pain…. on this story.

SC276: I was going with a play on the FNAF arc words, “IT’S ME,” but if you want to pain up the story, don’t let me stop you.

Scarlet: I’m saving up something special.

Trekker: IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, AUSTIN!

MrSing: Aw, sonovabitch!

Crazy56U: “Yes, I am the mastermind behind this whole thing. I am... I am... Craig!”



"Bonnie and Chica." I answered. "But it seemed to be more than a simple 'visit.'"



"Don't worry, Your Majesty," the Pegasus smiled, "you'll get used to them."



SC276: You know the reason they stop being lethal at 6 AM is because that’s when their day mode starts? Yeah, this fic won’t tell you that either.

Crazy56U: Well gee, the way you put it like that, you make it sound like the author’s kinda shit! Well I never...



That's assuming that I stay there.



SC276: And assuming we keep reading.

Crazy56U: I’m seriously tempted to start skimming...



I thought as I left my shift and started heading back to Twilight's home.



"That was the scariest thing I've done in a while," I told myself as I walked down the street and trough the crisp, cool morning air.



Scarlet: Roll the “Spooky, Scary Skeletons” clip.

Crazy56U: Roger dodger.

SC276: A trough of chicken feed.



I decided to go for a little walk before heading back to Twilight's home



SC276: Doesn’t this guy have a place of his own yet?

Crazy56U: No. He’s homeless. Guy like him? Yeah, he has no place of his own.



and ended up stopping at the local coffee shop



MrSing: Nothing like blazing it at 6 AM.



and picking up a copy of today's edition of the Ponyville Express.



The headlining story of the Express intrigued me a lot. The story: Local Restaurant Chain Being Investigated.



SC276: What did Pinkie put in the cupcakes now?

MrSing: No, they are investigating an actual chain at an restaurant. Those things need to meet safety standards.



"Interesting," I told myself as I gave the clerk two bits for the Express.



Scarlet: Stop. Describing. Every. Inane. Action.

MrSing: This is tedious, I commented as I read the story and wrote down words using my keyboard.



I tucked the paper away and proceeded back towards Twilight's home. Hopefully she was awake and I could tell her all about my frightening experiences the last six hours of my life.



SC276: That’s not a complete sentence, author.



One day down…one long and exhilarating day…



SC276: Fucking tell us about it.



The morning air felt good against my mane and I wanted to enjoy it a little bit more, but i ultimately decided to head over to Twilight's home and see how she was.



SC276: You were already heading there.



As a royal pony, she was expected to be awake by now for any royal duties that may pop their (dreadful) heads into circulation.



MrSing: They’ve got about five to six rulers and no one gets to sleep in every now and then? That’s politics for ya.



Approaching the front door to her home, I gently knocked on it and pretended to be somepony else, expecting her to open the door.



SC276: Does the author forget that, unless the description mentioned it and Ring didn’t tell us, it’s impossible for Twilight’s home to be anything besides the giant castle?



"Who is it?" called a male voice. The voice belonged to Spike, so I wasn't scared; Twilight would never cheat on me.



SC276: She doesn’t have enough personality left for that.

Scarlet: Well, of course she wouldn’t cheat on you. After all, you’re not canon. You know who is? Flash Mother-flippin’ Sentry! *listens to the fic’s screams of rage*

MrSing: R.I.P in pieces, Luny.



"Delivery for Princess Twilight!" I answered back playfully.



Spike opened up the door and spotted me. Smiling and laughing slightly, he played along with the joke.



Scarlet: He had no choice, as his will had been subsumed by the eldritch horror that was “Luny” long ago.

Trekker: Wait, so it wasn’t “Loony”? I thought that’s what Twilight’s been calling him!





"Seems like the package is all in order," he joked,



SC276: This package is so out of order, it needs to be behind the curtain in Pirate Cove.

Scarlet: ...I got that joke. Huh. Maybe your FNAF enthusiasm is rubbing off on me by proxy.

MrSing: Return to sender please.



"Twilight is in her room. I assume you know where that is."



"Most definitely," I laughed, "thank you, Spike."



"Anytime, Lunar," he smiled as I entered Twilight's home.



Scarlet: Behind his smiling facade, Spike plotted escape. Plotted revenge.



I took the right turn immediately after walking up the stairs in the main foyer and made my way towards Twilight's room. Trust me, it might be a big house - formally, a castle - but once you know where everything is, it's pretty easy to navigate through.



SC276: If it’s a castle, why haven’t you been calling it a castle the entire freakin’ fic? I would think “castle” would trump “house” as an accurate descriptor!

MrSing: Psh, royalty! Amiright?



"I don't think she'll believe me when I tell her what happened to me last night," I said out loud to myself.



Scarlet: I mean it’s not like she constantly encounters magic or anything.

MrSing: “But I know I’ll always believe myself. Right, me? Right.”



I have been known to have that problem recently - speaking my thoughts out loud. They aren't negative thoughts, but when somepony overhears me talking to myself…let's just say they view me slightly differently.



SC276: Buddy, I read dialogue in novels and such out loud. I have no sympathy for you.



The door to Twilight's room was open and as I approached the open crystallized door,



SC276: I love how the front door is birch while the inner doors are fancy hard stuff.

MrSing: Soft on the outside, crunchy on the inside.



I saw Twilight leaving her room and walking down the hall in the opposite direction. I decided to call out to her as if I were a regular citizen.



Scarlet: Why would you do that.

SC276: Because romance, I don’t fucking know.

MrSing: “But I’m not above the normal crowd. I’m a regular pony, just like all you lowly plebs.”



"Your Highness!" I called, grabbing her attention.



"Hmm?" I heard her say as she turned around. "What do we have here?" She smiled.



"Your Highness!" I called again, bowing to her in the process as I got closer.



"What is it, fine subject?" Twilight playfully replied, but she tried to be more serious than playful, trying to keep her royal status self in tact.



Scarlet: If this leads to kinky roleplay sex I am out.

SC276: Where’s night 2 already?!



"Something's happened to the Prince." I spoke, looking up at her beautiful, lilac colored eyes.



"What happened?" Twilight smirked, though she wanted to keep a straight face more than anything.



"Well," I continued, playfully being nervous, "I hope you forgive me, but he wanted me to give you this."



"Give me wh-?"



Scarlet: No you don’t-

Topher: “GIVE YOU THE DONG!”

Crazy56U: [Cajun Pumpkin] “Give me the fish!”



Twilight was unable to finish her question as I embraced her lips with mine slowly, lovingly, passionately, and perfectly.



Scarlet: Fic if you go one base further there is going to be hell to pay.

SC276: I took the time to load three more slingshots with Golden Freddy heads. ...OK one of them is just a Toy Freddy head dipped in gold paint, it was hard enough getting the other two.

Scarlet: I’ll improvise.

Trekker: Okay, I’m out of stamina. I’m OUT!

Crazy56U: [Cajun Pumpkin] “No! I don’t want that!”



She did the same and we embraced in affectionate exchanging for what seemed like forever, but turned out to be a few minutes.



SC276: That’s because of all the long overdone descriptions!

MrSing: It’s already 5 PM again.



When we pulled away from each other, our eyes were locked together and half-shut, but nothing was said for a long time. Finally, Twilight broke the silence.



Scarlet: By hitting it with a sledgehammer!

SC276: [Twilight] “I’LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMAR!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Give me the butter.”



"Welcome home, my Prince," she whispered to me, smiling in the process.



"How'd you sleep, my Princess?" I whispered in response, smiling back as well.



Scarlet: Do I have to start doing the Zepar/Furfur from Umineko thing? Because fucking nobody is going to get that!

SC276: Get a room! Preferably nowhere near us!

MrSing: I heard there is still room in hell.



"It was empty without you," she admitted, "and I dreamt about you the entire time."



SC276: That’s because you’ve already been reprogrammed by his Stu-aura.



"How sweet," I replied, "and I'm sure Princess Luna enjoyed your dream for a change. Normally," I approached her and kissed her horn, "that's my job."



Scarlet: ...Is he implying his mentor would have enjoyed watching whatever dreams Twilight was having about him oh god what why no!



"I know, Luny," she giggled, "and I hope she did."



"I know she did."



"How was your shift at the pizzeria last night?" She asked me, turning and walking down the hall with me by her side.



"Uhh," I started, coughing slightly, "it was…stressful."



SC276: You telling me, we had to read the whole thing.

MrSing: Can we get hazard pay?

Topher: You must be new here.



"What do you mean?" Twilight asked me as we entered into her throne room, as per her morning routine. "Why was it stressful?"



"Let's just say that there were 'things' trying to pay me a visit during the night." I answered.



"Things?" repeated Twilight.



"Yeah," I said, "animatronics."



"Animatronics?" She questioned.



Scarlet: Psycho Mantis?



"Yeah," I confirmed, "we didn't see them when we went yesterday,



SC276: For some reason.



but apparently they are kid friendly and this set of animatronics is a fresh batch, so they have some kinks in their systems.



MrSing: Killing Alicorn OC’s isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.



Scott told me that the face of the franchise is Freddy Fazpony, an Earth pony animatronic."



SC276: Who they should’ve seen on the fucking logo, if he’s the fucking face!



"How interesting!" Twilight admired. "Animatronic robots! In Ponyville no less! I have to see how they are programmed!"



Scarlet: ...Hey that’s an actual good question. How the fuck are there robots in Equestria?

SC276: The good fic I mentioned earlier had them as “magical dolls” or something like that. It made a point that they were magically enchanted to move. It even makes more sense than real-life animatronics walking around.



"You'll have to ask Scott that," I said, "but I think they're trying to kill me…"



"Why do you say that?" Twilight asked me.



SC276: [Twilight] “It’s not like the fic has given any indication of the actual consequences the game explains.”



"Well for one, Scott said they're kid friendly,



MrSing: That does explain why they want to kill you.



but I see nothing friendly about those animatronics if they interrupt the camera signal and crawl in the vents to reach me in my office." I paused to catch my breath. "And another thing, Scott said they were never given a proper night mode and could detect a predator a mile away."



Scarlet: Which still begs the question of what the fuck is eating robots!

SC276: About that, in FNAF2, the bots have facial recognition and connections to a database of criminals. That was ported over to this fic so poorly.

MrSing: Aren’t some of the friendly races predators? And what about Applejack’s dog? That’s a carnivore. This whole thing is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.



"Sounds like they should be the ones who should be watching you." Twilight joked.



SC276: I think the Phone Guy actually made that joke in-game. ...In fact, yeah, he did.

Crazy56U: [Phone Guy] “Hello, hello? Uh, I’m suing… Just an FYI…”

Topher: ZOMGTWILIGHTPURPLEMANISPHONEGUYILLUMIMORTYCONFIRMED!

Crazy56U: ...Illumimorty?



"Yeah," I sarcastically replied, "they'll watch me when they kill me!"



"Oh come on, Lunar," Twilight sighed, "be reasonable!"



"What's to be reasonable?" I asked. "My life or them killing me?"



Scarlet: How the fuck do you know they want to kill you? Scott never once said they would! You just came up with that shit on your own! For all you know they want to give you a hug!



"It was just one day," she continued, "try the job out for one week and see if you don't like it by then…unless you don't think you can last a week. Is that it?"



"I can so last a week there!" I confidently replied. "Is that a bet, my dear?"



Scarlet: “I think they’re going to kill me!” “I bet you that you’re just scared.” “OH YEAH THEN I’LL SPEND A WEEK AND PROVE I’M NOT”. Twilight and Luny are apparently five.

SC276: That’s your justification for five nights at Freddy’s, author? Not the paycheck?



"If you can't last a week there," Twilight smirked, "then you have to go around Ponyville wearing a dress in front of everypony to see."



SC276: Plus you’ll be dead.

MrSing: She never said he had to be alive while doing it.



"And if I do make it a week," I chuckled, "then you have to wear whatever Pinkie Pie and myself think of in front of Ponyville for everypony to see!"



Scarlet: [Twilight] “And I’m thinking crossplay!”

MrSing: [Lunar] “You’ll have to be, like, huhu, naked.”

[Twilight] “We’re always naked.”

[Lunar] “Awesome!”



"Okay," Twilight laughed, "you're on!"



"It's a deal!" I said as Twilight and myself bumped each others' hooves, showing that the bet was on and a go.



Scarlet: BYE-BYE A GO-GO!

MrSing: Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.



All I had to do was last a week in that hellhole and I'll be good as gold! What's the worst that can happen?



Scarlet: *smug grin* Oh, I’ve got a list.

SC276: I had to use the Puppet as the sling for the next slingshot. It was the only thing I could find that could stretch far enough.

MrSing: He said as he made audible winks and nudges to the crowd

Topher: BEHOLD, THE ULTIMATE LIST OF THE BAD THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT FREDDY FAZBEAR’S PIZZA!



That night, I had arrived at the pizzeria on time and set myself up for a heavily six hour guarding shift. The employee that locked up tonight said that Scott had come under some conditions and wasn't here to talk me through things, but said that some recorded messages will let me know what to do via the telephone.



Scarlet: [Telephone] “Nobody likes you. Stand in the middle of the room and accept your fate, you worthless piece of scum.”

SC276: ~Hey hey how you doing, now your first night was fine, but there’s a deep dark warning for the future up ahead so divine...~

MrSing: “Now, it has come to my attention that you haven’t been marinating yourself in tomato sauce during work hours. Please rectify this or face the robots.”



I knew that certain things happen in life and understood why Scott wasn't here tonight; everypony gets sick from time to time.



Scarlet: Ah, yet another paragraph in need of a good applied corkscrewing!



After setting myself up inside the office, I sat down and awaited for "12 AM" to hit, the moment the animatronics entered into their "night mode." I went into the cameras and wound the music box all the up before I had done anything else. Once I wound the music box all they way up, I went to check on the Stage – the origin to my nightmares from last night.



Scarlet: One might say you had… Stage Fright?

SC276: *ba dum tish*

Topher: *canned laughter*



The phone in the office then started ringing, which startled me to no end.



MrSing: Here comes the true horror of the fast food industry. The endless prank calls.



I put the cameras down by the sudden sound, then remembered that I was told that some instructions were going to come in via the phone, so went right back to the cameras, watching, waiting, waiting, watching.



SC276: ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.

Scarlet: Why the fuck would the phone ring if Scott recorded messages?

SC276: Yeah, that part doesn’t make as much sense in source either.



The phone rang a few more times, then eerily stopped. It was silent for a while, then a recording started playing while I kept looking at the cameras.



"Uh, hello, hello!" The guy on the phone spoke. "See, I told you your first night wouldn't be a problem. You're a natural!"



Scarlet: He’s using dialogue ripped from the game, isn’t he.

SC276: Hold on… Yes. Yes he is.

MrSing: Author, making original content doesn’t mean you can take content from the original.



"Yeah," I laughed, "and I'm Princess Celestia."



Scarlet: And suddenly, you were!

SC276: [Foxy] “Will she stop with the goddamn light so I can pounce her already?!”



"Uh, by now I'm sure you've noticed the older models sitting in the back room."



He must be talking about the old animatronics Scott told me about last night. I thought to myself as I went back to wind the music box back up.



"Uh, those are from the previous location. We just use them for parts now."



Scarlet: Ah, I do so love retreading old ground!

SC276: Which proves the entire thing before was completely unnecessary!



"Yup," I quietly spoke, "he's talking about the old animatronics."



MrSing: Guys, this might sound crazy, but I think he’s talking about the old animatronics.



"The idea at first was to repair them...uh, they even started retrofitting them with some of the newer technology, but they were just so ugly, you know?"



Scarlet: Yeaaahhhh whatever. Can we get to Night 2? I’m anxious to finish this riff off.



"You're telling me," I joked, going back to check on the Stage, seeing everything was still in its rightful place.



"The smell...uh, so the company decided to go in a whole new direction and make them super kid-friendly."



Scarlet: Oh my jesus it’s literally the same fucking shit.

SC276: I am literally comparing them as I go. This is like copied straight from the fucking wiki.



"Still haven't seen that side of them yet." I sighed.



"Uh, those older ones shouldn't be able to walk around, but if they do, the whole Freddy head trick should work on them too, so, whatever."



Scarlet: “Uh, listen, try to die in a hurry, we need the space okay? We’re counting on you!”

SC276: *preps a boom box to play “Pop Goes the Weasel”*



"Wait, what?" I looked towards the mask from last night. "This thing?"



"Uh...heh...I love those old characters. Did you ever see Foxy the Griffon? Oh wait, hold on..."



Scarlet: Awww, he’s fanboying! It’s adorable!

Crazy56U: [Not-Phone Guy] “Wait… a griffon named ‘Foxy’... ...the fuck?”

MrSing: It’s his fursona, plz no bully.



There was a slight pause between sentences, so I took the opportunity to wind the music box again. Soon, the guy on the phone continued with his recording.



Scarlet: Recordings. The phone wouldn’t ring for a recording. You’d just press the answering machine button. Or pick up the goddamn phone so you could talk to him directly.

SC276: From the context of some of FNAF2’s calls, I got the impression the Phone Guy was live-calling you in that one, and you’re letting the machine run because you barely have enough time to wind a music box.



"Oh yeah, Foxy. Uh, hey listen, that one was always a bit twitch, uh...I'm not sure the Freddy head trick will work on Foxy, uh.



MrSing: Why is the robot that’s missing an eye so much better at seeing things anyway?



If for some reason he activates during the night and you see him standing at the far end of the hall-"



Scarlet: “then it’s going to end with you in p i e c e s…”



"Come again!?" I said, hyperventilating a bit. I placed the cameras down and casted a light spell to see through to the end of the hall and, thankfully, there was nothing there.



"...Those older models would always get disoriented with bright lights."



Scarlet: So a mask and flashy lights. Duly noted. I assume that playing the game this is a good deal more frightening?

SC276: When you have actual atmosphere, then yes.

MrSing: Wouldn’t a mask with a stroboscope duct-taped to it basically make you invincible?

Topher: But then you’d be unable to wind the music box because you can’t bring up the tablet with the mask on. It’s only now that I examine all the setbacks in place that I realize how much of a deathtrap this place is.

"Well, I guess that's good information," I sighed, checking the Stage again.



"It would cause a system restart, or something. Uh, come to think of it, you might want to try that on any room where something undesirable might be."



Scarlet: “start with YOU.”

MrSing: “And if that doesn’t work, try using this spraying bottle on them.”



"Try what?" I questioned. I was hyperventilating while he was speaking, so did I miss something important?



SC276: Yeah, the part where you shine the flashlight through the camera monitor. That or the cameras have lights on them connected to your flashlight. Gameplay.



"That glitch might have carried over to some of the newer models too."



Scarlet: “I’m sure you’ll be fine as a corpse as long as you aim the light right at them!”



"Okay..." I sighed in relief.



"One more thing."



MrSing: “Could you come in at sunday this week? That would be great.”



"There's more?" I asked myself.



"Don't forget the music box."



"Don't worry, buddy," I chuckled.



"I'll be honest, I never liked that puppet thing."



Scarlet: “I want to replace him and I need p a r t s.”

MrSing: “But you know how much kids love scary puppet clowns.”



"Puppet?" I repeated, going into the camera the music box was at. "What puppet?"



SC276: The one you might’ve seen when the box ran out before, except you don’t understand how to use the Ctrl key.



"It was always...thinking, and it can go anywhere..."



"What!?" I shouted.



"I don't think the Freddy mask will fool it, so...just don't forget the music box."



Scarlet: With the intro out of the way, we move on to yet another night of the author failing to even execute a jumpscare!



"I will make it a mission not to!" I fearfully stated.



"Anyway, I'm sure it won't be a problem."



MrSing: “Also, please put the new coversheets on your TPS reports. That would be great.”



"Hopefully not." I said as I wound the music box up, like my life depended on it.



"Uh, have a good night, and talk to you tomorrow."



Scarlet: “worthless.”



With that, the recording had ended and I was once again on my own with these animatronics.



SC276: 12:00 AM | NIGHT 2



Tonight, though, they were behaving nicely; they have yet to leave the Stage.



MrSing: Can you blame them? I would avoid this guy too.



"Just like animatronics during the night should behave!" I smiled, checking the Game Room, noticing nothing out of the ordinary.



Scarlet: Please, please die to something.

SC276: Hopefully Balloon Filly can laugh at this guy...



The top right of the cameras showed that it currently was "3 AM."



SC276: Are you freakin’ kidding me, the Toys don’t step aside for the old guard this soon.



Time seemed to be moving a lot quicker tonight than last night. Perhaps it is because Scott gave me the lecture before my shift started,



MrSing: Nothing like a three hour lecture from your boss to let time fly by.



or perhaps it was because I was less scared than last night.



Scarlet: Perhaps it was because of magic!



Maybe it was because the animatronics weren't moving this time around. Whatever the case, I didn't mind it one bit. I just sat in my office and wound up the music box over at the Prize Counter remotely.



Scarlet: Father Gascoigne was displeased.

SC276: He hasn’t looked at Parts & Service yet, for pete’s sake. This guy has no curiosity.



Time was going by quickly, which is what I had hoped for when I came in today. Nothing was going on, which was amazing and easy. Suddenly, there came a sound from beyond my office.



"What was that?" I questioned.



Scarlet: What the fuck do you think?



I put the cameras down, which currently read "4 AM,"



MrSing: “I looked at my watch, which showed me the video feed from the kitchen.”



then shined my horn down the hallway in front of me. The light reached all the way towards the end of the hall and, in its path to the far wall, revealed nothing out of the ordinary, although I wasn't convinced.



"If I'm a night guard here," I told myself as the overhead clock chimed past 4:30,



MrSing: That crazy Luna. First she’s all like “the night will last forever” and than she’s like “the night will last about fifteen real time minutes”.



"why can't I go down the hallway to see what's going on instead of using nearly helpless cameras?"



SC276: Yes, go out towards the robots that you think - for poor in-story reasons - are trying to kill you.

Scarlet: No, seriously, do that. It’ll hasten your demise.



I opted to wait a little while longer instead of just going down the hall to see for myself. It was better to ask another employee if I could meander about throughout the night instead of just assuming so.



MrSing: God forbid you do something interesting.



I went back to the cameras and wound up the music box again in order to assure that "The Puppet" would not leave his post, wherever it may be. Tonight was surprisingly a very easy night, comparing it to my first night.



SC276: That’s because you aren’t looking at, like, any of the other cameras.

MrSing: Today is robot labor day. They are not allowed to kill the night guard because of union related reasons.



The sound came from the hallway again, forcing me to put the cameras back down and use my light spell to check on the deep, dark hallway. This time, when my light reached the far wall, in the middle of the eerie hallway stood an animatronic.



MrSing: He’s just standing there. MENACINGLY!

Topher: No I’m not! I’m sitting here menacingly! Do NOT make me let the Foxys I’ve been pointlessly trying to build up out!



"Foxy the Griffon?" I questioned.



SC276: Dr. Livingstone, I presume?

Scarlet: SC, you didn’t leave your plushie out again, right?

SC276: Wish I could claim credit for this, but mine is right there. ...Though the other three dozen are currently unaccounted for for the past two hours.

Scarlet: ...I may have borrowed two or three of them for an. Erm. Project. Incidentally I’ve been saving those heads.

SC276: OK, just be sure you don’t feed them after midnight- wait that’s gremlins.

Topher: I found about ten or so, they’re all in my closet with the others. It’ll be FUN when I let them out.



The animatronic at the far wall simply stood there and stared at me. It resembled a lot like a griffon does – with the front claws, rear paws, large wings, and whatnot – and just stared at me...menacingly.



Scarlet: I resemble a lot like a human does. BUT I AM WITCH!

MrSing: ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ

Also, damn it fic, I already made that joke.



"Foxy?" I called, receiving no answer. Why is that thing even called "Foxy" in the first place? Foxy would imply that it is a fox, but that thing is a griffon…



SC276: I dunno, ask the author who decided to change it from an in-universe fictional species to an in-universe real one.



My thoughts were cut short as I saw Foxy start slowly moving towards my office, which sent slight shivers down my spine, causing my wings to shake and shuffle a bit.



Scarlet: They then proceeded to do the twist.



Why are you getting closer? I thought. The guy told me that bright lights disorientate you and would cause a system reset!



Scarlet: “I l i e d.”

SC276: You’re supposed to flash him. Works better if you’re a girl.

MrSing: *”Blinded by the Light” starts playing in the background.*



The wacked out animatronic was getting closer and closer to my office. I didn't know what to do, but was fortunate to have another employee come in at just the right moment and help me out.



"Bad Foxy!" The Pegasus mare shouted, flashing the flashlight that was left on the table. "Go!"



Scarlet: And there went any chance of credible horror.

SC276: What the blazes is she doing here?!

MrSing: YOU FOOL! WE WERE SO CLOSE!

Topher: FOXY NO MURDER! FOXY NO MURDER!



The flashing light seemed to have disorientated Foxy and he began leaving and backing away from the office, back down the hall, and, eventually, out of sight.



Scarlet: ...Disorienting means confusing. Why is he backing down the hall? Isn’t he just going to get his bearings and come the hell back?

SC276: Yes, actually. You can’t just keep the head on forever, after all. That would make the game boring.



My breath was short and my heart was pounding against my chest, but I was able to collect enough air and look over to the mare. She was smiling at me as I was breathing heavily.



MrSing: “Haha, you almost died.”



"Scare ya?" She asked me.



Scarlet: Not really, no.



"How did you do that?" I gasped, trying to fall into normal breathing patterns now.



"Easy," she replied, "you have to flash the light in his face, or anypony that reveals themselves in the hallway. That is the number one thing to do. What did you do?"



Scarlet: Dear diary- today I learned that you have to flash anyone you meet in the hall!



"I used my light spell and flashed him." I said.



"Did you keep a constant flash, Your Majesty?" She continued. "Or did you blink it at him?"



"Blink it?" I repeated.



SC276: How did this guy ascend to alicorn prince again?



"By blinking the light, quickly turning it on and off repeatedly," she explained, "it confuses the animatronics and causes the system to reset."



Scarlet: “Oh, I must have forgotten to mention that over the phone. Would have been fun to watch you writhewrithewrithe as you lost l i m b s.”

MrSing: Why won’t the phone stop talking about “the joy of creation”?



"Oh," I chuckled, "that must've been the portion of the recording I missed."



"Vital information, Your Majesty." the mare smiled.



"Indeed," I smiled in response, looking towards the clock, noticing it read "5:30 AM." I looked back towards the Pegasus mare. "You're here early tonight."



Scarlet: And then it turns out it was a hallucination. Or no! Better yet, he forgot to wind the box and the puppet jumps down and kills her!

SC276: I actually hope that happens, he’s been standing off Foxy for the last hour, after all! ~Someone forgot to check their cameras!~



"Seemed like you needed help." She laughed.



"Good day to fall into trouble, I suppose." I joked.



"So it seems," she replied, "go on. I'll finish up your shift."



SC276: That is grand-scale cheating, Batman!



"Are you sure?" I asked, not wanting to anger anypony.



"Perfectly fine, Your Majesty," she answered, "besides, you look like you've seen a ghost."



Scarlet: WAKKA WAKKA!

MrSing: This is now a ghostbusters crossover.

Topher: An on his way out, he ran into Foxy, who ripped him to pieces. HAPPY ENDING!



"You could say that." I sniggered, rubbing my neck.



"Go on, go home," she repeated, "I'll cover things around here."



"Thank you, uhh,"



"Purple Grape," the mare spoke.



Scarlet: She’s supposed to be the purple guy I keep hearing about in the games, isn’t she.

SC276: Oh my fucking god, author. *slams head against the wall* ...Fuck, need a new top hat now.



"Thank you, Purple Grape," I said, collecting my things and leaving for the day.



"You're welcome, Your Majesty." she smiled at me, closing the door behind me.



She seems very nice, I thought to myself, I do hope that she goes a long way with her life decisions.



Scarlet: She won’t.

SC276: That sounds like sarcasm.

Scarlet: Fortunately, I am perfectly sincere.

MrSing: And she’s only two days away from retirement.



I thought nothing more of tonight's shift as I went towards the coffee shop to pick up today's edition of the Ponyville Express. Today's headliner for the Express was even more interesting than yesterday's: Dead Ponies Found Inside Local Restaurant.



Scarlet: Wait when how what? That must’ve happened in broad fucking daylight!

SC276: Or early evening.

MrSing: “Service and food was great however. 4/5 stars. Would eat there again.”



"Jeez," I told the shopkeeper, paying for the newspaper, "this restaurant isn't looking too good, is it?"



"Yeah," the shopkeeper replied, "supposedly, the owner of that new restaurant that came into town is in some real trouble or something."



Scarlet: What, he got arrested for stealing the secrets of robotics from the Equestrian Royal Archives?



"The owner of that Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria down the road?" I asked.



"That'd be the one, Your Majesty," he smiled, "have a good day now."



"Thank you," I responded, "you too."



"Thank you."



SC276: You’d think if royalties were such big celebraties, he’d already know the prince is working for them.



I left the coffee shop with the newspaper tucked away in my saddlebag and headed to Twilight's castle. The lovely and shining crystallized castle shone greatly with the rising summer sun. I absolutely enjoyed seeing this castle and loved every inch of it; it was perfect.



Scarlet: Wait, what? How is this thing here now? Didn’t you guys live in a house? What? I…

SC276: As mentioned earlier, he’s just been calling it a house until now, because fuck it all it’s 2.5D.

MrSing: Lunar wants to marry Twilight for her castle, confirmed.



When I arrived at Twilight's castle, she was there to greet me and immediately asked me how my shift went down at the pizzeria.



"It was good," I admitted, "I'll be winning that bet, you know,"



Scarlet: “I only got rescued from my own incompetence once!”

SC276: You didn’t even finish! That should only count as half a shift.



"Yeah," she scoffed, "we'll see about that."



"Oh, you'll see." I laughed.



That night, I arrived inside the pizzeria along with Twilight.



SC276: Well at least it’s going quicker, but why are you bringing the princess to this place?

MrSing: If she dies he gets the castle.



She wasn't sleepy and wanted to see just exactly what I did here in the office, so I decided to bring her along for the fun.



Scarlet: Wat.

MrSing: There is a fine line between being an asshole and being stupid. Lunar walks that line every day.

Topher: Or he would, but the line splits into a circle around him, forming a little zone of both.



I alerted Scott hours earlier about bringing Twilight and his advise to me was to make sure she was safe, which was part of my job description.



Scarlet: Why the hell would you let him bring his girlfriend in to work with the murder-bots?

SC276: Especially since he’s the one that brought up the bots might be a-murdering!

MrSing: I wish I could bring my girlfriend to my job. Or that I had a girlfriend. Or a job.



He also told me that he would be unable to see me again due to certain things, which I completely understood.



MrSing: We’ve all been there when the police is investigating you because they found dead bodies, right?



That meant that a new recording was being left for me, which I didn't mind.



Scarlet: Why wouldn’t he just leave you with the instructions while you talked to him in person?



Tonight, however, the recording didn't kick in until the clock read "1:30 AM."



SC276: Those clocks have never given anything more than an hour and you know it.



Tonight, I had Twilight keep an eye on the hallway while I kept my attention towards the Stage and the music box. The music box was the number two priority to me, right after making sure Twilight was kept safe at all times throughout the shift tonight.



Scarlet: Oh I hope this ends in tears.

SC276: Don’t you have an extra head that you could just put on her for the entire duration?

MrSing: You know where Twilight would be safe? Anywhere but there!



The phone began ringing and stopped a couple of minutes later, followed by the trademark recording.



"Hello, hello!"



"Hello!" Twilight smiled.



Scarlet: Goodbye! *walks out*

MrSing: Twilight, genius, princess, beater upper of bad guys, doesn’t know how a pre-recorded message works.



"See? I told you you wouldn't have any problems!"



"Not a single one." I lied.



"Did, uh, did Foxy ever appear in the hallway? Probably not."



Scarlet: *walks back in* And you’re still ripping off the game dialogue! I can tell, it’s the only stuff in this fic that’s written with actual cadence and an ear for language!

Topher: But Cadence isn’t in this story.

Scarlet: Only because the author changed waifu-targets at the last moment.



"Nope." I lied again.



"I was just curious. Like I said, he was always my favorite."



"I'm sure he was." I smiled.



SC276: I like him pretty much as well. As suggested by how I have three dozen of his plushies. Minus apparently three.



"They tried to remake Foxy, ya know?"



Scarlet: “Not cruel enough. He didn’t bite down h a r d enough.”



"No," I said, a bit intrigued, "I didn't know that..."



SC276: Yes you did.



"Uh, they thought the first one was too scary, so they redesigned him to be more kid-friendly and put him in Kid's Cove."



Scarlet: “we buried the child in his jaws.”

MrSing: Why are you still talking to the recorded message? AND WHY IS THE MESSAGE ANSWERING YOU?



Kid's Cove... I thought. Camera 12?



I hit Camera 12 and, sure enough, there was a white colored griffon laying along the floor in there. I remembered: Toy Foxy the Griffon.



Scarlet: Man, I’m kind of glad this wasn’t my first exposure to these games or I’d be inclined to think they have all the terror-per-minute of a pleasant teatime.

SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA



But then...where's Balloon Filly?



I searched all over for the last animatronic I have yet to see, unable to find her no matter where I looked.



SC276: Not even by accident? She’s in the Game Area, ya ditz? You suck at your job.



I didn't let that bother me too much as I went back to winding up the music box while the recording continued.



Scarlet: I kind of hope that the music box explodes when he overwinds it.

SC276: And then the sweet sounds of ~All around the mulberry bush…~



"But the little fillies and colts these days just can't keep their hooves to themselves. The staff literally had to put Foxy back together after every shift. So eventually, they stopped trying and just left her as some "take apart and put back together" attraction."



Scarlet: An explanation that could only make sense in FNAF!

SC276: Yeah, can’t argue with that.



"Sounds like fun for the little ones." Twilight smiled, flashing light from her horn down the hallway to show that it was completely empty.



Scarlet: Not unless you’re a particularly sick child who enjoys dismantling your favorite character and rebuilding him.

MrSing: So, basically half of all children.



"Now she's just a mess of parts. I think the employees refer to her as just "The Mangle." Uh..."



"'The Mangle.'" I repeated.



Scarlet: “we need all the parts for her we can get please contribute.”

SC276: Mangle’s actually one of my favorite characters for the sheer reason I can’t figure out her freakin’ body structure.

MrSing: The Mangle coincidentally is also a pretty good name for a strong drink.



"Oh, hey, before I go, uh, I wanted to ease your mind about any rumors you might have heard lately."



MrSing: “I did not kill those ponies. They were already dead before I shot them.”



"Rumors?" Twilight asked me.



"You know how these local stories come and go and seldom mean anything."



Scarlet: It was in the fucking newspaper, wasn’t it? Why didn’t you guys investigate this before going to work?



"What stories?" she asked again.



SC276: Local Princess Does Not Read Newspaper Ever



"I can personally assure you that, whatever is going on out there, and however tragic it may be, has noting to do with our establishment."



Scarlet: Well of course it doesn’t, given it would’ve had to happen in broad daylight.



"What is he talking about?" Twilight asked me again.



"I'll tell you once the recording is done." I replied.



"It's all just rumors and speculation...ponies trying to make a bit."



"I hope so." I quietly remarked.



"You know...uh, our guard during the day has reported nothing unusual, and he's on watch from opening til close."



Scarlet: “he only sees what I tell him to he’s a good boy but you aren’t no not a good boy at all.”

SC276: You know how this makes sense only if it’s by the guy that’s not ultimately in charge? The author didn’t.

MrSing: You mean the guard that’s a mare?



"Sounds like a long shift." Twilight commented.



SC276: You’d think he’d at least get lunch.

MrSing: The shift was so long that she turned into a guy.



"Okay, well anyway, hang in there and I'll talk to you tomorrow."



With the recording over and the time at about 2:40 AM, I decided to share what the pony on the phone meant when he said "rumors and speculation" with Twilight. She wanted to know, so it was my duty to tell her.



Scarlet: And it’s my duty to tune you the fuck out, because I guarantee anything in the next paragraph has already been said at least once.



"Recently," I began, winding up the music box some more, "there have been some articles in the Ponyville Express and the main headliner is that there is an investigation going on here about some dead ponies being stuffed in the suits and the animatronics malfunctioning and whatnot."



Scarlet: Oh wait, never mind. Hey, there’s a thought! Why wouldn’t you put this article near the start of the story? That would explain why Luny is deathly afraid of dying to animatronics!



"Dead ponies?" Twilight repeated, putting much emphasis on 'dead.'



MrSing: Well, they were actually mascots in costumes, but after spending eight hours in a sweaty costume while children scream at you, you can’t technically be called living.



"It hasn't been confirmed, Twilight," I told her, checking the Stage, "but the investigation is around this corporation and they're threatening to shut this place down, I think."



Scarlet: And I hope they succeed soon.

SC276: No one thinks to actually look in the suits.



"Sounds serious." Twilight inputted.



"I guess," I agreed, putting the cameras down to look at Twilight, "anything?"



"Not yet." Twilight confirmed.



"Okay," I smiled, "tell me when you see something out of the ordinary."



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Come to think of it, isn’t a security camera array out of the ordinary?”



"Oka-"



"Twilight?"



"Wh-...Is that a griffon?"



I put the cameras back down and turned towards the end of the hall to see Foxy the Griffon paying a visit.



Scarlet: [Foxy] “Hiya, neighbor! Just wanted to borrow a wing or two!”



"Oh," I chuckled, "hey Foxy. How ya doing?"



"Foxy?" Twilight laughed. "That's its name?"



"Yup." I smiled. "That is Foxy the Griffon."



Scarlet: [Foxy] “Yup, that’s me! Anyway, how about that pound of flesh? I accept blood donations as well~”

SC276: The deal never specified- oh wait it did here. Well so much for the classic loophole.



"Any others I should be aware of?" Twilight asked me.



"Well," I spoke, "there's a few of them."



"Care to tell me?"



Scarlet: *begins humming pokerap beat again*



"Sure!" I smiled. "There's the old animatronics: Freddy Fazpony the Earth pony, Chica the Pegasus, Bonnie the Bunny, and Foxy the Griffon. Then, there are the new animatronics: Toy Freddy Fazpony, Toy Chica the Pegasus, Toy Bonnie the Bunny, Toy Foxy the Griffon – otherwise known as The Mangle – and then there is Balloon Filly – the only one I haven't seen to this point."



Scarlet: ~omanyte, gastly- oh, we’re done? Okay then.



"You told me there were ten of them," Twilight explained.



"Yes," I answered, "that's what Scott told me."



"But," she continued, "you only mentioned nine names."



Scarlet: ...Twilight, you’re becoming self-aware again. I was so tuned out I missed that.



"What?" I asked, checking the stage again.



"Foxy, Freddy, Chica, Bonnie, Toy Foxy, Toy Freddy, Toy Chica, Toy Bonnie, and Balloon Filly," Twilight reiterated, "that only adds up to nine names. Where is the tenth one?"



SC276: Golden Freddy.

MrSing: Let’s keep repeating the names over and over. Maybe that will help.



"You know," I spoke up, changing to the Prize Counter to wind the music box back up, "I don't know...I have only seen nine of them."



Scarlet: Eight. If you’ve-



"Eight of them, Luny," Twilight corrected, "if you haven't seen Balloon Filly yet, you've only seen eight."



Scarlet: Holy shit, she is returning to her usual self! Praise be!

Sparkz: o_O SC! The story’s talk- Oh wait, I’m in the wrong continuity again, huh?

SC276: What do you think?



"Hmm...that's a question I'll have to ask one of the other employees when they come in."



SC276: The better question is, why didn’t you see any of them when you first came to eat here?!



"Sounds like a plan, Luny," Twilight giggled, her giggle echoing throughout the empty halls and vents.



Scarlet: Aaaand we’re back to boring waifu Twilight. Ah well, it was a nice fantasy while it lasted.



I put the cameras back down and noticed something odd. At the end of the hall, Foxy appeared to be moving away, even though Twilight wasn't flashing her horn any more. Twilight kept her light constant while she had giggled and I noticed that Foxy had moved away, as if he...he was scared...of Twilight's laugh.



Scarlet: [Foxy] “Um, no? I just don’t like fucking with alicorns!”

SC276: What? That makes no sense at all. The only thing close to laughter affecting the bots is the occasional laugh clips to move Springtrap in FNAF3.

MrSing: Maybe he’s afraid of cooties?



"Hey, look," I smirked, pointing to the retreating Foxy.



"What about him?" Twilight asked.



"When you were giggling," I continued, "Foxy was moving away."



Twilight laughed some more, "I'm the scariest animatronic of them all!"



SC276: You’ll have to SKREEEEEE if we’re really going to test that. Or… whatever FNAF2’s onomatopoeia is.

Topher: let me give it a go. *Inhales MIGHTILY* SKREEEUUUURRRAAAUUUUGH!!!

SC276: … *falls over like a tilted cardboard cutout*



"Haha!" I laughed, jointly. "I guess so."



"Hahaha!"



Scarlet: ...Wait did they just giggle at the ghosties? Well at least this fanfic’s got one of its inspirations… right...ish…?



Foxy had completely left the hallway while Twilight and myself laughed on some more.



MrSing: “Noooo. Don’t laugh at me, I’m scary!”



I loved Twilight's laugh and actually tried to make her laugh a bit more so that I could listen to it some more. That's when I remembered the music box and went to go wind it back up.



Scarlet: Please be too late. Please die.



I went back into the camera and noticed the time read "5:30 AM" and the stage was completely empty of all three toy animatronics.



MrSing: Good on them for escaping the story.



The camera to the Prize Counter had a red notification flashing, so I went to go wind the music box again. However, when I went to wind it back up, I saw this puppet-type thing revealing itself from a nearby box.



Scarlet: Fucking Yes. Finish him! Puppet him with your… puppet….ness...y… I don’t even know what it’s supposed to do! Kill him!

SC276: ~ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH, THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL…!~



I was literally so scared that I almost dropped the cameras, but managed to hang on and wind the music box all the way again. That seemed to stop the puppet from leaving the box and settled my heart down slightly.



Scarlet: You disappoint me, puppet.

SC276: SUNNAVA- oh wait, the slingshot made out of the Puppet misfired. Watch out for ghost heads trying to eat your face.

Scarlet: *munching on a ghost* Did you say something?



I put the cameras away, then noticed the doors behind us had been opened. In the doorway stood Purple Grape and I greeted her to Twilight.



"Hello, Purple Grape," I smiled.



Scarlet: Eventually she’ll bring her cousin, Orange Crush.

MrSing: Her family is just an explosion of flavor and poorly thought out names.



"Good morning, Your Majesty," she smiled. She then turned to Twilight. "And good morning to you, Princess Twilight."



"Good morning." Twilight acknowledged.



"Twilight is my marefriend and accompanied me on my shift today." I explained.



Scarlet: No really I’m sure people didn’t fucking know that.



"Does Scott know?"



"He does and he said it was okay." I said.



"Okay then," Purple Grape continued, "well, your shift is over and I'm here to take over.



SC276: Could the story be bothered to directly inform the audience every once in awhile, thank you very much?



Were there any mishaps?"



Scarlet: Puppet nearly escaped!

SC276: So, so close to ending this!



"Not a single one." I happily obliged.



Scarlet: Oh, Luny. I detest you quite a bit!



"Well then," she replied, "time to start my shift."



MrSing: This story is pretty good for a diet, because there is so much nothing in it.



"Good luck, Purple Grape," Twilight said, collecting our things and exiting the door behind us.



"Thank you, Your Highness."



"I'll see you tomorrow, Purple Grape," I said, leaving through the door behind me, "have a good day."



Scarlet: She won’t.



"Thank you, and you too." Purple Grape smirked.



I turned to Twilight and smiled at her, wrapping my wing around her body, keeping her warm. Today's weather was slightly cooler than average and she looked a bit cold, so I thought that I would help her out.



Scarlet: This fic is going to put me to sleep at this rate.

SC276: Pretty sure that’s just the fact that the sun just rose.



"So how did you enjoy the shift?" I asked as we started making our way towards her castle.



"I thought that it was fun." She admitted. "Can I come back with you tomorrow?"



"Scott said that it was okay," I smiled, "and I loved having you for company while we worked together."



Scarlet: Congrats. I think you just took every element of horror the original had going for it and shanked it with a rusty spoon.

SC276: Where are the other Withered Animatronics?! That’s the official name for the old guard in FNAF2, by the way. And Mangle didn’t get a single reference in any part of any of this, even though she was mentioned on the tape! Also, also, the fact they couldn’t be bothered to put her back together after the restaurant’s just been opened for three days! Less time than in canon, even, given FNAF2’s place was only opened a few weeks! It’s official: this author has no fucking idea what he’s doing!



"So, is that a yes?"



"Yes," I laughed, "it is."



"Oh, thank you, Luny!" Twilight cheerfully replied.



MrSing: Celestia must be so pissed that even with four to five co-rulers she is still the only one that actually does her job.



"You're welcome, Twily!" I answered with equal cheerfulness.



Scarlet: And Scarly is done with you both!

SC276: And Yosie is- wait my nickname already fits. Fuck.



We continued to enjoy the entire day together as I waited to go back for my fourth night at the restaurant.



"Hello? Hello? Uh, hey there, night four! I told you you'd get the hang of it!"



Scarlet: Oh thank god he’s skipping to the next shift’s start. Almost done.

SC276: Took him this fucking long to do it.



Twilight and myself had already been busy at work for the last couple of hours.



MrSing: You can just feel how badly the author wants to stop putting work in the story.



Tonight was a busier night than usual for the animatronics, as they were all out and about, though they hadn't shown their faces to either of us yet.



Scarlet: [Foxy] “Look, guys, fuck this story. Let’s all go to Grillby’s instead.”

[Other Animatronics] “Agreed.”



"Okay, so uh, just to update you, uh, there's been somewhat of an, uh, investigation going on."



"Yeah," I sighed, winding up the music box, "we know."



"Uh, we may end up having to close for a few days...I don't know."



"Sounds like a convincing investigation against this place." Twilight added, flashing the light coming from her horn at Foxy repetitively.



Scarlet: [Foxy] “Jesus, bitch! I just came back to look for my keys!”

MrSing: He’s epileptic you monster!



"I want to emphasize though that it's really just a precaution."



"Yeah, sureee." I scoffed, flashing the light from my horn at Toy Chica in the hallway.



Scarlet: [Toy Chica] “Seriously? I just wanted my wallet! Stop trying to give me a seizure!”

SC276: Why are they both lighting up the hallway again?

MrSing: Rave mode activated!



"Uh, Fazpony Entertainment denies any wrongdoing."



"As any corporation does," Twilight commented, taking a bit of a well-earned break.



"These things happen sometimes. Um...it'll all get sorted out in a few days."



"Sure it will," I sighed, winding the music box back up again.



Scarlet: [Puppet] “....”

SC276: Don’t worry, Puppet. I love you. *pats*



"Just keep an eye on things and I'll keep you posted."



"Thanks, buddy." I sarcastically responded.



"Uh, just as a side note though, try to avoid eye contact with any of the animatronics tonight if you can."



Scarlet: “you’re too disgusting to be looked at for long.”



"Why?" questioned Twilight, going back to flashing the light from her horn down the hallway again.



"Somepony may have tampered with their facial recognition systems – we're not sure."



"Sounds bad," I stated.



"But the characters have been acting very unusual, almost aggressive towards the staff. They interact with kids just fine, but when they encounter an adult, they just...stare."



Scarlet: So wait, are they just now becoming dangerous- argh. I imagine this is much less confusing in-game.

SC276: Sort of. Going by the lore provided by the first two alone, there was one murder at a previous location and the spirit possessed the Puppet, and then during the last couple days - in broad daylight, as you said - the same guy killed five more that haunt the Fazbear Four - Freddy, Chica, Bonnie, and Foxy - and Golden Freddy. The animatronics moving before then is because of the Puppet’s influence in a sense of delicious irony. Because of the circumstances and mixing with the bots’ programming, they become really hostile towards adults, and especially night guards. Later games expand on this and do some retcons - Golden Freddy isn’t from a murdered child, notably - but that’s the basics of it.



"Wouldn't that be a good thing?" I asked.



"Uh...anyways, hang tight. It'll all pass. Good night!"



"I have a feeling that this guy is feeding us news to get us killed, Twilight," I sighed, flashing my light down the hall, "don't you agree so?"



Scarlet: Wait, in your actual story? Because for you guys, he’s been nothing but helpful if a bit too eager to deny how fucked the company is!



"I agree one hundred percent, Lunar." Twilight smirked, flashing her light down the hall as well.



"Hello!" called a robotic, feminine voice.



Scarlet: And goodbye! *hurls a flashbomb at the story*

SC276: Finally, the filly of the hour!



"Alright," I sighed, "what was that?"



"I don't know," Twilight coughed, "and I don't really want to find out right now."



"Nor do I, my dear," I replied.



The system Twilight and myself had going lasted us for quite some time. Before we knew it, it was already 5:00 AM. Twilight and myself were trying to fend off these creepy animatronics for as long as we could but, something felt...off about them today. These animatronics seemed like they had the motivation to kill one of us...or both of us.



Scarlet: So why were you trying to avoid them before now?



"How you holding up, Twily?" I asked, winding the music box up some more quickly.



"I'm tired from this." Twilight admitted.



Scarlet: Tired from flashing blinking lights with your horn? You haven’t even cast magic missile yet!

SC276: In FNAF2, use of the flashlight / camera lights is limited. Here, she’s running out of PP.

MrSing: Hehe, you said peepee.



"As am I," I agreed, "but you made a bet that I couldn't last a week and I am going through with it, whether I kill myself doing so or not."



"Lunar," Twilight sighed, "you don't have to do that. It's suicide!"



Scarlet: How? You two are doing just fine!



"I promised myself that I could make it through to the end of the week, and I will do just that."



"But, Lunar!" called Twilight.



MrSing: “Why are you dragging me down with you?”



"Nope," I smirked, winding the music box yet again, "I've already made up my mind to make it through to the end of the week and I will do just that."



Scarlet: Even if you make it to the end of this story, you will not have a happy ending.

SC276: I’ll throw the freakin’ Puppet into your room myself if I have to!

Topher: And I will continue to build up my closet full of Nightmare Foxies!



Twilight shook her head, slyly smiling. "There is nothing I can do to change your mind, is there?"



"Nope." I chuckled shining my light down the hall, revealing absolutely nothing.



Twilight laughed as the door behind us began opening up. Purple Grape smiled in the doorway as she began setting her saddlebags on the ground in the corner of the office, opposite from our things.



Scarlet: So… yeah, I kinda hope the end of the fic involves finding her corpse.

SC276: Why didn’t Balloon Filly do anything?! Her laughs that would be found annoying among the fanbase on her counterpart would be music to my ears!

MrSing: Did you really expect anything else from this story?



"Busy night?" She asked us both.



"You have no idea," I sighed, resting the cameras to collect Twilight's saddlebags and mine.



Purple Grape laughed. "Well, go on, Your Majesty. You're relieved of your duties tonight."



"Thank you, Purple Grape," both Twilight and I said.



Scarlet: Thank you, story, for being brief. For once.



"You're both welcome," Purple Grape smirked.



"See you tomorrow?" I asked.



"You bet," she answered, "and remember: tomorrow is payday."



MrSing: Aw yeah! Rollin’ around in that 120 dollars!

SC276: Actually, given this is based on FNAF2, the paycheck would be $100.50.



"Thank Celestia, hehe."



SC276: TCIF.



"You said it." Twilight and Purple Grape simultaneously said.



Scarlet: Oh my god! Purple Grape is also an alt-universe Twilight! IT ALL MAKES no sense, but I’m bored so I’m going to amuse myself.

SC276: Think you can help me if you’re so bored? The Golden Freddy heads are starting to revolt.

Golden Freddy: REEEA-

SC276: *whacks it with the Puppet* I said back!

Scarlet: *snatches them* I’ve got a plan. I’ll bring ‘em back. Eventually.



With that being said, Twilight and myself left the demented pizzeria to rest up and attempt at enjoying the day that was ahead of us. We were both tired, but knew that our royal duties called first, although they were easy compared to what we had to do at the office.



Scarlet: Royal duties consisting of, apparently, enough free time to pick up a night shift at fucking Chuck E. Cheese’s.

MrSing: And the night shift still pays more than ruling the country.



"Hello, hello? Hey, good job, night five!"



SC276: There’s section breaks in the original text, right? This isn’t all presented as one long scene, right?!



"Thanks, buddy." I sighed.



The time was 2:45 AM. The place was the office. My objective was to stay alive and make it through to the end of the night.



Scarlet: Did… did you just skip to midway into the last night? My god! You’re learning!

MrSing: My mission, should I choose to accept, was to make at least one interesting scene.



Tonight was the final night in the week – I'm assuming



SC276: *holds up a Golden Freddy head and laughs evilly*

MrSing: Assuming makes an ass out of you and some guy named Ming.



– and I just wanted to make it through it so very much. Twilight and myself were back at our strategy and could do this until the end of time, should we need to. It was tough work, but we needed to do it and get through it together, even though I tried convincing Twilight to stay home. It was her idea to come back with me and no matter what I did, I could not convince her to stay home.



Scarlet: And thus, she did not stay home. I wonder if I could work “stay home” into at least one more sentence?



"Um, hey, um, keep a close eye on things tonight, okay?"



MrSing: Close my eyes? Can do.



"Way ahead of you..." Twilight slightly giggled.



"Um, from what I understand, the building is on lockdown, uh, nopony is allowed in or out, y'know, especially concerning any...previous employees."



Scarlet: Yeah I think I called the Purple Grape thing.



"Does that even make sense?" I questioned, winding the music box back up rapidly before I went back to flashing my light down the hallway along with Twilight.



Scarlet: Does anything in this fic?

SC276: Yeah, buddy, you have no right to be calling “doesn’t make sense” on anything.



"Um, when we get it all sorted out, we may move you to the day shift, a position just became...available."



MrSing: Also, Purple Grape was... retired. To her... grave.



"That is if you're still here, Lunar," laughed Twilight sarcastically.



Scarlet: “That was when I realized she had used my full name instead of my pet name! It was an animatronic in disguise!”



"Yeah." I agreed.



"Uh, we don't have a replacement for your shift yet, but we're working on it."



"Are you now?" I scoffed, flipping through the cameras rapidly to check on everything.



Scarlet: Um. wasn’t it supposed to be Scott over the phone?



"Uh, we're going to try to contact the original restaurant owner. Uh, I think the name of the place was..."



"What for?" Twilight questioned. "What would you need to ask those ponies?"



MrSing: Answer me, pre-recorded message!



"...like that. It's been closed for years though, I doubt we'll be able to track anypony down."



Scarlet: “We used most of them for scrap material anyway.”



"Figures..." I said, winding up the music box yet again. "Darn music box."



"Well, just get through one more night! Uh, hang in there! Goodnight!"



SC276: OK, time for the army to go all out. This means, Chicas, Bonnies, Freddies - especially Freddies - that you all actually do shit.



"Goodnight, you little-"



"Temper, temper, Lunar," Twilight interrupted.



Scarlet: Why are you mad at him? His advice is keeping you alive! The only one who keeps walking you into danger here is you!

MrSing: But Twilight double dog dared him, so he’s bound by law to finish the bet.



"You're right, Twilight," I acknowledged, "it's just that this is incredibly stressful."



"You said it, Lunar," Twilight laughed, flashing her light down the hall, causing both Foxy and Bonnie to retreat elsewhere within the restaurant.



Scarlet: [Bonnie] “Shit, bro, run! It’s the papparazzi!”

SC276: [Fox] “The laugh of a waifu-ized character is so painful to listen to!”



The time was 3:30 AM and the end of the shift could not come by any quicker. Twilight was busy flashing the animatronics that dared to show their faces in the hallway, but they appeared to be getting closer. The stress of the flashing was starting to strain Twilight, forcing her to take a break.



Scarlet: The Rule 34 version of the fic had that scene make quite a bit more sense.



"It's too much for me, Lunar." She told me.



SC276: I have trouble believing that like the most magical unicorn turned alicorn princess of the modern era can get tired from flashing a simple light spell repeatedly even for a couple hours.



I tried winding up the music box as quickly as possible before I went back to flashing the animatronics down the hallway. I was with Twilight on this one – this was very painful and it was starting to become more than just a two-pony job. I looked towards the cameras, then towards my tired princess. A ridiculous idea popped into my mind when I stared at Twilight.



Scarlet: “Hey Twilight, why don’t we just go home? There is literally no reason for us to stay here and we can just flash bright lights at anything that comes near us on the way out!”



"Hey," I called, "take a break for a while and wind up the music box for me?"



"If it doesn't require any magic," she tiredly responded, taking the cameras.



SC276: It’s literally holding down a button, and I just realized if one of them gets in the office, they only got one head.



"Make sure that music box is wound up at all times, Twilight," I advised her, "I'll take care of these psychopaths."



Scarlet: “After all, once I flash somepony, they never want to approach me again!”

SC276: Meanwhile, the Puppet wonders, “What does the end of the song sound like?!”



"Sounds like a plan," Twilight smiled, winding up the music box soundly.



"Come to Lunar!" I shouted towards the animatronics, wherever they all were.



"Don't sound too cocky now, Luny," Twilight laughed.



"I'm not cocky, Twily." I smiled, flashing my light at Toy Chica the Pegasus. "There's a new face."



Scarlet: Wait, what? Wasn’t she there last night? Or was that old- I don’t even care anymore.



"Who?" Twilight asked, looking down the hallway to check. "Toy Chica? Is that right?"



"Correct." I confirmed.



"But, if she's there, where's Foxy the Griffon?"



"Beats me." I boldly stated.



Scarlet: “I have less intelligence than dirt!”

SC276: Well if he’s not in the hallway or flying in your face, he’s in Parts & Services.



Twilight went back to checking the cameras to attempt at finding Foxy. That's when I had an assumption as to where he was.



"Check the "Parts and Services" room, Twilight." I said, still flashing Toy Chica.



Scarlet: I’m sure if I’d played FNAF 2 that would be significant.

SC276: Yeah, that’s the starting point for the Withered Animatronics. The story would’ve told you if it ever bothered to check that camera before now.



"Which cam-never mind. I got it."



"He in there?" I asked.



"Uhh...yes, he is."



MrSing: “He seems to be posing for the camera.”



"Okay," I sighed with relief, "check between there and-"



"He's gone." Twilight called.



Scarlet: [Foxy] “Screw it, I’m out. I’m going to a fic where I’ll be appreciated!”



"Damn..." I grunted. "I see him moving into the hallway. What time is it?"



"Uhh, the cameras say that it is currently 5 o'clock."



"Okay," I said, "so we're almost finished here." I smiled. "Check the music box. Is it all good?"



"Fully wound up, Lunar," Twilight alerted me, "do you want some help?"



"It would be much appreciated, Twilight," I said, coughing slightly, "just make sure you keep checking the music box from time to time. I don't want that puppet thing to leave that box and come here."



Scarlet: [Puppet]: *sits motionless beside Luny and then waves at him*



"Will do, Luny." Twilight stated, flashing her light down the hallway with me.



"Almost done!" I called.



"Just a little bit longer!" added Twilight, who stopped flashing her light to check the condition on the music box.



Scarlet: By the way, whatever happened to Mangle? Wasn’t she in this story?

SC276: Mangle occasionally shows up in the hallway, but can move all over the pizzeria at basically will. She makes a very distinctive buzzing-radio sound (unless you’re on mobile), so we should’ve definitely heard her coming.



We had flashed the animatronics with our lights for a little while longer, although it seemed like forever. I was growing tired, as was Twilight, whom was now winding the music box back up. Eventually, I ran out of strength for magic spells and could no longer flash my light down the hallway.



Scarlet: Truly, a fucking flashlight spell is the most draining of casts.



"Time?" I asked Twilight, a sense of panic settling in the sound of my voice.



"It is currently 5:30." Twilight told me.



"I can't flash my light anymore." I admitted.



"What?" Twilight questioned, dropping the cameras immediately.



"I can't cast another spell," I repeated, "I'm too tired..."



"Then I'll finish flash-"



Scarlet: Again. Makes more sense in the Rule 34 version.



Twilight was unable to finish her sentence for when she tried to flash down the hallway, she couldn't do it either.



"We're sitting ducks if we can't flash our lights down the hall." I sadly spoke, hearing a lone tin can roll across the dark hallway.



Scarlet: GOOD.

SC276: *Balloon Boy’s laugh in minor key* ~Foxy’s coming foooor yoooou!~

MrSing: Ah! Littering!



"What about the laughing?" Twilight suggested.



"That's right!" I smiled. "They were scared whenever you laughed!"



"So, wanna crack a joke, Luny?" Twilight smirked.



Scarlet: God damn it! No giggling at the ghosties! I don’t-



"If you insist." I said. I had to act quickly since we didn't have a lot of time and the animatronics were getting closer to the office. I didn't need that much time, since I had a joke already in my mind.



SC276: ~ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH…!~



"Lunar?" Twilight called.



"What did the filly tell her friend when she was asked how old she was?" I asked.



Scarlet: “None of your business, you little shit?”

MrSing: Too old for this shit.



"What?"



"Nein. Nein! NEIN!" I chuckled.



Scarlet: ….how is that a fucking punchline.

SC276: You’re supposed to mention she’s Russian, you dolt.

Scarlet: ….German. That’s… That’s German.

SC276: ...Oh. My bad, sorry. Guess I Russian to that one. Russian’s for asking tennis players if they need anything.

Scarlet: Nyet, SC. Just… nyet.



Twilight laughed a little bit, but I could tell that she was milking most of the laugh.



SC276: No surprise there.



I decided to keep on going with witty puns, the lowest form of humor in the comedic world.



MrSing: Lunar, a terrible OC, and an idiot walk into a bar. He orders a drink.



"Speaking of fillies, you could say that I am filly-ing you up with plenty of laughs," I smirked, "right?"



Scarlet: [Foxy] “Yeah I’m out.”

SC276: [Toy Freddy] “I oughta jump them just for that.”



Twilight had laughed slightly harder than the last time, but I could tell that she was still milking her laughs. It didn't matter much since the sounds that were coming from the hallway sounded as if they had been getting further away from the office meaning, hopefully, that the animatronics were leaving the hallway to take shelter elsewhere.



Scarlet: If I find them taking up all the seats at my favorite joint again, I’m going to punch them.



"Time?" I asked.



Without ceasing her sweet and innocent giggle, Twilight alerted me that it was 5:57; only three minutes to go; three minutes until the next employee comes.



Scarlet: And only a tiny bit more of this tripe for me to riff!



"So a Pegasus, a Griffon, and a-"



Without notice, the door behind us had opened up and revealed a new pony.



SC276: That’s the fastest three minutes I’ve ever seen.

MrSing: “PC police! You are all under arrest!”



This pony wasn't the same as Purple Grape was and was significantly different. This was an Earth pony and a much smaller Earth pony than Twilight was.



Scarlet: And a much more handsome stallion than Twilight was as well.



"Hello?" I called. "Can I help you?"



"I'm the new mare, Your Majesty." she called.



MrSing: Okay Twilight, get out. The new mare has arrived.



"What's your name?" Twilight asked.



"Green Emerald is my name, Your Highness." The mare answered.



Scarlet: ~One short day, in the Emerald City~

SC276: Oh my god, it’s the anthropomorphic personification of a Chaos Emerald.



"Are you here for the 6 AM to 12 AM shift?" I asked.



SC276: There is no way in fuck there is just one guard to cover the remaining… eighteen hours of this place. They don’t have enough time to even sleep, which is the point of shifts in the first place.



"I am." Green Emerald smiled.



"Okay," I beamed with delight, seeing Twilight go over to collect our things.



"Anything I need to know before I take over, Your Majesty?"



Scarlet: Options for things to pass on- ‘the animatronics are fucking evil’, ‘make sure you bring a friend’, or perhaps ‘someone here is probably a fucking murderer’. What will Luny say?

SC276: How about “they’re all already kind of on top of you”?



"Make sure you keep the music box wound up and laugh if you need to." I advised.



"Will do." She smiled.



Scarlet: Luny - less helpful than Phone Guy.



I went over to the door and was just about to leave with Twilight wen Green Emerald stopped us one last time.



"Have a good day now, you two," she called.



Scarlet: Funny, when I work retail that’s usually how I send off the customers I think are assholes.



"You too," we both replied, "and good luck."



"I'll see you tomorrow!" Green Emerald said, checking the cameras.



"I don't know about that, Green Emerald." I stated.



Scarlet: This will end badly.

SC276: It’s over and yet Mangle has done nothing. Along with… every animatronic besides Foxy.



"Oh," she responded, traits of surprise sounding in her voice, "Scott told me that tomorrow was your last day. He said that you had to finish the Thursday night shift."



"That wasn't what I was told." I claimed, looking towards Twilight.



Scarlet: ...Jesus. Is he adding a bonus level into the story?

SC276: The series tradition: Night 6. ~Here comes Golden Freddy!~



"Well," Green Emerald coughed, winding the music box up, "if I see you tomorrow, I will. But if not, thanks for the advise, Your Majesty."



SC276: British!



"You're welcome, little filly." I smiled as Twilight and myself left the hellhole that was known as Freddy Fazpony's Pizzeria.



Scarlet: Ugh. Just be done already!



Twilight looked over to me and could tell just by looking into my eyes that I wanted to prove I could last one more night. She scoffed at me, which forced me to address my thoughts.



"You don't think I can do it, can you?" I asked.



"I don't want you to," Twilight smiled, pressing her body up against mine, "but I can already tell that my arguing will not change your mind."



Scarlet: I’m sorry, weren’t you both ready to walk out five seconds ago?



"Nope." I laughed, trying to sound like Big Macintosh for a moment.



SC276: Who you know, even though the only other Mane 6 in this fic is Pinkie and it was a bloody cameo.



"Well," continued Twilight, "you're going to need my help, aren't you."



"I'd like your company, Twily," I admitted, "but I think I have a few tricks up my sleeve."



Scarlet: He doesn’t.

MrSing: He doesn’t even have a sleeve.



"Oh?" Twilight questioned. "Like what?"



"You'll see." I replied,



SC276: [Twilight] “You’re risking your life, I’d like to know what you’re up to so I can be sure- and you’re not paying attention anymore.”



looking up towards Ditzy Doo moving a cloud in the wrong direction, giving me a few chuckles as Twilight and myself went back home.



Scarlet: Herp de derp.

MrSing: NO! That cloud is supposed to go OVER THERE! GOD, YOU AMATUER!



"Tell me, how is this supposed to keep us safe?"



"Trust me, it will."



"What did you do exactly?" asked Twilight.



"I placed a barrier across all the doors and vents inside the building and slightly altered the animatronics behaviors a bit." I admitted.



Scarlet: He didn’t do this before because *waves arms frantically*

SC276: One, that would interfere with daily functionality of the pizzaria itself, and two, that’s the Custom Night, not Night 6.



"Is that allowed?" Twilight questioned.



"Beats me," I smirked, "but my week is up after today."



MrSing: “Heh, what’s a lawsuit?”



"So it is," Twilight acknowledged, "looks like I'll be doing whatever Pinkie Pie and you put together for me."



Scarlet: “Crossplay!”



"It's okay," I spoke, "you don't have to do that."



"Thanks, Luny," Twilight smiled.



"You're welcome, Twily." I kissed her cheek.



SC276: I’d protest about them going back on their word, but I honestly don’t give a shit.



The time was about 2:30 AM and so far, the animatronics of the building have been unable to break free of the barriers I had set up prior to my shift starting. I was determined to make this an easy night, and that is what I did.



MrSing: Because you put so much effort in the other nights.



Twilight and myself kept on talking to each other until about 3 AM, when the phone had started ringing for some apparent reason.



Scarlet: “cheater.”



"Hmm..." I thought. "I wonder who that is."



"I don't know," Twilight said, "another recording?"



"Maybe, I don't know."



SC276: Neither do I. Oh by the way, flashing Golden Freddy kills you. These guys are goners~



Turns out it was another recording. This recording, however, seemed a bit different than the previous ones we had been left with.



Scarlet: Oooh, amusing.

MrSing: It was a ten hour extended version of Mambo Number 5.



"Hello? Hello...uh...what in Equestria are you doing there, uh, didn't you get the memo?"



"What memo?" I asked.



"Uh, the place is closed down, uh, at least for a while."



Scarlet: Yay, the fic is over!



"Really?" I slightly panicked.



"Somepony used one of the suits."



MrSing: Damn furries.



"What!?" Twilight shockingly shouted.



"We had a spare in the back, a yellow one, somepony used it..."



Scarlet: I actually have absorbed enough FNAF lore by osmosis to know who Springtrap is. And to hope it appears out of nowhere and takes Luny with it.

SC276: Hey, Puppet existed in FNAF1, why the fuck not. SPRING FORTH, SPRINGTRAP!!



"Oh no..." I muttered.



"Now none of them are acting right."



"I can't believe that..."



"Listen j-just finish your shift. It's safer than trying to leave in the middle of the night."



Scarlet: Why yes, stay directly in the middle of the restaurant, where you can be easily cornered. Good idea!



Without missing a beat, I felt one of the animatronics manage to break through my barrier, something I could not put back into effect in time.



"They're coming." I told Twilight. "We have to act fast."



Scarlet: Flash with all your might!

SC276: Until Golden Freddy shows up. Which is what the slingshots are for~



"Back to the same old plan?" She asked me, flashing her light down the hallway, managing her power more closely this time around.



"Let's get to it and show these buckets of bolts a thing or two." I smirked, checking the cameras to notice that the puppet was gone. "Uh oh..."



MrSing: Wow, that plan failed before it even got into motion. That level of incompetence is almost impressive. Almost.



"What happened?" Twilight asked me.



"The puppet!" I exclaimed. "He's gone!"



SC276: Well that was fast. Oh well~



"Quick!" Twilight gasped. "Activate defense shields!"



Scarlet: Not so fast! You just triggered my trap card!

MrSing: Reverse the polarity!



"Activating!" I shouted, placing a stronger, more contained force field between us and the animatronics, however, we could see them all approaching our office.



SC276: ~ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH, THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL, THE MONKEY THOUGHT IT WAS ALL IN GOOD FUN…~



One animatronic seemed to stick out the most to us both. This thing, a white, eyeless puppet thing jumped at Twilight and myself from the darkness,



SC276: ~POP GOES THE WEASEL!~



only to be stopped by the force field I casted moments earlier.



Scarlet: So… why didn’t you do that in the first place?

MrSing: Roll the sound clip!



Twilight jumped back and into my hooves, frightened out of her pretty little mind.



Scarlet: HATE.



I caught her and eyed her, much love,



SC276: such shipping

MrSing: Wow.



but a bit of concern with my eye.



"You okay?" I asked her.



"Never better." she answered. "Can you keep up the spell?"



SC276: Didn’t she get the shield spell from her brother?! Why isn’t she doing it?!

MrSing: She kept the spell in her other pants.



"I can and will, Twily," I smiled, "so long as they don't continue banging on it."



SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Scarlet: [Puppet] *begins playing a drum solo on the shield*



"You want me to put up a secondary shield?"



"That's up to you, my dear," I called, feeling the pain the animatronics were giving me by pounding on the shield.



SC276: Except for Balloon Filly, who just laughed the entire time.

Scarlet: Quick, counterattack to recharge your meter!



Twilight smirked, sitting down in my lap. "I'll take that as a yes, Luny." She then kissed my cheek, casting a second shield.



Scarlet: Crap! Missed the timing on my trap’s resolution! Oh well, back to plan A.

SC276: Y’know what would’ve been a nice touch? Mangle, sitting on top of the shield, waiting to fall on top of them.



I looked up at the clock and saw that it read 5:30 AM. I saw that the animatronics were able to break through the first shield, damaging me significantly. It actually damaged me to the point that I found it hard casting other spells.



Scarlet: Alicorns are fucking fragile in this fic. I’m pretty sure I could take this guy without the witch stuff. Which makes it too bad for him that I don’t like holding back. *cackles*

RingmasterJ5: If all of them are this fragile, a certain band of sky-pirates wouldn’t have any problems succeeding in this world.



Twilight eyed me, of which I was rubbing my horn.



MrSing: Dude! Keep it PG!



She kissed my horn, then eyed the door behind us. Then she eyed me.



Scarlet: ~then I looked at her… then she looked at me…~



"On three?" questioned Twilight.



Crazy56U: And then Twilight pulled out two cyanide capsules.



"We leave?" I added.



SC276: How?! You kinda have the entire enemy force right on top of you!

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “... (quietly puts the capsules away) Yes. That is what I meant.”



"One."



Scarlet: Rise, Mobile Fortress!

Topher: I am NOT getting stepped on again. *Jumps down a hatch in the floor*



The animatronics started cracking the shield.



"Two."



Scarlet: Enhanced by the mystical power of two and a half Golden Freddy heads and SC’s fanboyism, a new power is born!



The animatronics destroyed the shield.



"Three!"



MrSing: Happy new year! Oh wait... we’re not doing that? Okay.

Scarlet: Behold! Mobile Fortress, Foxy! ™ *poses dramatically on top of a mech-size Foxy* ...aaaand I’m going to wait until the opportune moment to drop this.

SC276: ...OK, that is freakin’ awesome and I approve.



The animatronics jumped at us. We were fortunate



SC276: A.K.A. because the author said so.



to act just in time and scramble through the door, Twilight first, then me. I slammed the door shut behind us and used larger, stronger rocks to block the way so that the animatronics couldn't leave either.



Scarlet: ...Where did the rocks come from?

MrSing: Eat five pizza’s and win a free rock.



We may it out just in time and I'm glad my week in this place is over...all that remains is the whereabouts of Scott.



"I wonder why he didn't show up again." I slowly stated.



"I don't know," Twilight replied as we slowly walked home together, "but I wonder where he went."



Scarlet: Hell.

SC276: I miss Mangle and she didn’t even properly show up.



"Beats me," I sighed, "but I'm glad that it's all over. Now things can go back to normal."



"Yes they can." smiled my perfect little mare.



Scarlet: Not yet...



I continued smiling as Twilight and I walked home together.



"They are never put down."



Scott was busy in an unknown location, working on n unknown project in a dark room.



MrSing: FNAF the RPG!? The horror!

Scarlet: Not yet….



"They always have a place in our hearts."



SC276: Speak for yourself. That would require them getting enough exposure to make any sort of place whatsoever.



And with bolts awry, the unknown project began moving on its own, pleasing Scott to no avail.



SC276: ~The Springtrap has risen, goddamn he’s not alone~

Crazy56U: Oh my God… it’s the Souldozer!!!

MrSing: My Mecha-Frankenstein cosplay is finally complete!



"They will see," laughed Scott, sounding evilly in the process,



Crazy56U: [Phone Guy] “Hello, hello? Uh, apparently you made Scott the Big Bad?

...yeah, Scott’s not going to be happy, uh… see you in court.”



"they'll all see! You can't put us to sleep!"



SC276: What the fuck-

Scarlet: Now! *The Giant Foxy smashes the fic’s conclusion entirely, preventing any chance of a sequel from appearing and obliterating Luny entirely* And… yeah, that’s… that was it. That was a thing. I’m not much of a FNAF fan, but this… it strikes me as being basically flavor two of that Cupcakes Creepypasta. Equally terrible, equally unaware of what elements worked in the source material, equally unaware that there was no way the chosen format could ever have carried those elements over anyway. Crap, all the way down.

SC276: Yeah, pretty much! It’s pretty much just regurgitating bits of FNAF2 with no respect for the lore or gameplay put into them. No night in FNAF2 lets them get away with shit like this. Only Foxy does anything, we get nothing from Mangle or BB, and hell with it, none of the three Freddies did ANYTHING. We get no resolution on what the hell’s up with Purple Grape, even though she’s clearly supposed to stand in for the Purple Guy, or on any of the child disappearances! Or hell, any other employees besides Purple and Chaos Emerald, even when he specially says he wants to talk to other employees! We don’t hear anything about the mascots, including the “face” of the company, until the night shift starts, and when they go to eat at the place in the first place, it’s a fucking sit-down high-end Italian place with no signs of the mascots at all, even though it’s a Chuck E. Cheese expy, further evidence that the author did no fucking research on the series whatsoever except looking up the wiki for the Phone Guy messages just to flat-out copy them! And of course, as I stated earlier, if Twilight was ever in any actual danger, the Mane 6 would rip those bots apart by force-feeding them the rainbow!

Scarlet: Wow. And that’s not even getting into the WTF of just starting a story with a pre-established Alicorn OC who is living with Twilight and just takes the job because sure why not. I know it’s a common criticism of FNAF that no sane person would keep going back for subsequent shifts, but a story can come up with ways around that. Undercover cop or informant investigating the murders! Paranormal enthusiast! Just That Broke!

MrSing: Not to mention that the story is just plain boring.

SC276: Hey, that good FNAF crossover, one last time. On Night 3, I believe, Rainbow actually gets caught, by Bonnie, but by then she has the lightning stun batons - which have limited charges, by the way - so she zaps him, fights him off, and the rest of the night becomes a bit of a mini-action scene, if I recall correctly. That’s mixing it up. No player is expected to pass Night 3 without at least one death, and we see Rainbow’s precautions prove their worth. The animatronics are a threat to her, and Rainbow shows she is capable of defending herself as a hero of Equestria, unlike normal human night guards. Here? Not only are the animatronics so not-threatening it’s amazing even Foxy gets mentioned, but despite the perceived difficulties, once Twilight’s brought in to split tasks with them and chase them away by laughing for no explained reason, it’s astounding even Night 6 could be considered anything worthy of attention. It’s dumfounding how much of an absolute footnote this entire story is. And I don’t have any answer for what the fuck is going on in the ending, and I’m still trying to unravel FNAF4’s secrets so I really don’t give a shit!

Scarlet: Spoilers, the Bite of ‘87 was me. I think. I… yeah I don’t know this lore, I’ll assume it’s compelling enough if you’re into the games. In the meantime, though, I think we can all agree that your time would be better spent playing a horror game of choice than reading this story. Until next week, I’m taking my rear home and digging into some Silent Hill 3.

SC276: Have fun. Meanwhile, I have to figure out what to aim these slingshots at because the end of the fic was destroyed-OH CRAP THEY’RE LOOSE

Golden Freddies: REEEAAAAAAAH

*sounds of massive violence*

RingmasterJ5: Join us next time as we return to something that should be just as (if not more) terrifying, the finale of Starfleet Humans.

Scarlet: See? I said it would all end badly!

Crazy56U: (now missing an arm) ...somehow this hurts less than when I had my eye gouged out…

Topher: Which reminds me! Speaking of pain, I think you guys still need to experience a little more. *strides purposefully to the closet* Now, face the wrath of the NIGHTMARE FOXY ARMY! *swings open the closet door, diving behind it, as a pile of crushed and weakly roaring robot parts spills from the closet* Huh. Well, the moral of the story is: If you have a closet big enough for three killer robots, do not attempt to put fourteen in there. GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!



* * *





Fallen Prime: Oh, fuck no.

RingmasterJ5: It’s the 1st of the month, so by now you should all know what that means.

Fallen Prime: Ring, I hate you.

RingmasterJ5: I was hoping you would elaborate that the 1st of the month is always shitty short fics from 2012 posted on Fanfiction.net about horrible human OCs, but that works too.

Fallen Prime: I WAS gonna do that, but then I saw what the title of this one was. How. How and why.

RingmasterJ5: Back when I found “The Ponyville Curse”, it was one of two search results that instantly stood out to me, and I knew I had to save the other for October. And here it is.

Fallen Prime: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck my life.

RingmasterJ5: This story is literally a terrible Cupcakes rewrite in 4000 words with an awful self-insert’s reactions thrown in there, so in other words it’s hot garbage. Without further ado, “Cupcakes: Creepypasta Edition” by Vornado.

Something: Beautiful. Well, considering how I’m bolted into this chair

Lord Shaxx: I was gonna ask what did I miss, but looks like I’m just in time.

NaturalGlitch: I have a little message to everyone who made the original fanfic Cupcakes into something legendary:



Crazy56U: Well, I’m currently sick right now... Can’t feel any shittier, so…

Topher: And I thought I would never get to use THIS again. Our last creepypasta only left out three tropes from this list, let’s see if this guy can do any better.



A/N: This is NOT the complete story of Cupcakes,



Something: Studio interference shoehorned in a subplot focusing on the new character, Muffins. They really wanted a spinoff.

Scarlet: The complete story will air at nine on Channel Five news.

Lord Shaxx: But before that, breaking news about Trump-snake.

Crazy56U: It’s the Cliffnotes Edition! (dun dun duuuun)

Topher: Upgrade your package to pastaplustm for the complete version!



just what an episode would be like as a creepypasta.



NaturalGlitch: “So—out of the gate I’m admitting this isn’t real and I have no originality. SPOOKY!~”

Crazy56U: ...but, technically speaking, the original was already a Spookyspaghetti...



I changed things/left things out on purpose because, otherwise, it would just be Cupcakes copy/pasted.



Something: Maybe instead of a creepypasta, it should be called a copypasta.

Scarlet: Maybe I should’ve rethought my life before beginning this riff.

Dark Angel: Maybe you should’ve rethought your life before becoming a riffer in the first place.

NaturalGlitch: I don’t have a life, so I have nothing to lose.

Crazy56U: This got dark really fast, holy shit…

Dark Angel: And the fic itself hasn’t even started yet!



If you want to read the real thing, go search for "Cupcakes".



Something: That would actually be a nice break considering the shit I’ve read.

Dark Angel: Cupcakes, so sweet and tasty. Cupcakes, don’t be too hasty. Cupcakes. Cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes!

Crazy56U: Uh... ...okay...

Dark Angel: Did that just make Cupcakes look bright and cheerful, or did I just have a stroke?



Otherwise, R&R.



Something: Whatever that means.

RingmasterJ5: It’s FFNet speak for “read and review”... but it really means “read and give me praise or I’ll delete and block you.” So pretty much the same as FiMFic.

Scarlet: What’s that? Rampage and Raze? Got it! *makes Godzilla noises*

Topher: RAMPAAAAAAAGE! (brandishes flamethrower)

Lord Shaxx: Mayhem Clash! Enjoy yourselves, Guardians!

Dark Angel: Remember the days when R&R mean “Rest and Relaxation”? Something we’ve given up on a long time ago.

Crazy56U: Cool, I have some R&R… Along with some D&S, W&W, and S&J.



I'm next. I know I'm next.



Crazy56U: He waiting to be called on down to play “The Price is Right”...

Dark Angel: Ever since Drew Carey took over as host, it hasn’t been the same.



It's only a matter of time. ...I should never have watched that episode,



Something: A period AND an ellipses. We are in the presence of a true master.

Dark Angel: A master of what, I’m not sure I want to know.

Crazy56U: “Why’d I watch ‘Squidward’s Suicide’, what’s wrong with me... I’ve mixed

up my pastas...”



if it could even be called that…



Lord Shaxx: Can this even be called a fanfic?

Dark Angel: The answer is yes. Can this be called a good fanfic? Let’s just say that if that were the case, we wouldn’t have gotten involved.

Crazy56U: Well, it can also be called “Tim”, but only in certain circumstances...



I guess I need to explain. It may be the last thing I ever do, but I NEED to explain!



Something: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, goddammit!”

NaturalGlitch: “The monster is right at my door, but I have to write this down first!”

Crazy56U: “Titanic was faked and James Cameron is actually a bear in disguise!”



I'm a brony.



Lord Shaxx: No shit, Sherlock.

Something: Congratulations.

Dark Angel: We personally don’t care what religion you are.

NaturalGlitch: “My neck is covered in what I like to call my mating ritual. Don’t worry, I’m a nice guy.”

Crazy56U: (deadpan) woooooooo



I've been a brony for about six months now.



Crazy56U: (even more deadpan) super woooooooo



Before then, I was like most other boys my age,



RJ: Into football, CoD, and the constant debate of drapes vs curtains.

Crazy56U: And calling each other derogatory insults...



thinking that the MLP show was just for seven-year-old girls and gays(NO OFFENSE TO THOSE PEOPLE!)



Fallen Prime: Off to a great start, buddy.

Scarlet: Oh joy. I just compulsively killed a small animal in rage. Again.

Lord Shaxx: I think I’m going to punch a baby…...

Dark Angel: Everyone just take a deep breath and remember that Mykan did NOT write this.

Scarlet: That’s supposed to make anything better?

Dark Angel: Yes, because at least this fic is a short one-shot. It’ll be over quickly.

NaturalGlitch: Well, he’s right about it being for girls… until a bunch of manchildren decided to make it all about them, and think it’s their constitutional right to draw smut of the show and shove it in everyone's faces.

Crazy56U: I am now anticipating your death...



Then my friend, who's also a brony, tricked me into watching an episode on YouTube(I'm not going into details here...)



Scarlet: Why do all these creepypasta need to start with a brony origin story? Isn’t that kind of like starting The Ring off with an explanation about how the main character bought their first VCR?

Lord Shaxx: Yep, definitely going to punch a baby.

Dark Angel: Yeah, better make it a double.

NaturalGlitch: “The fedora appeared more and more on my head the longer I watched.”

Crazy56U: At least he doesn’t explain how Youtube works…

Dark Angel: That’s only in the director’s cut.

Topher: Ah, I remember my first episode. Soldier through it, boy. It only gets better.



At first, I couldn't believe ANYONE would watch this show, but after watching the whole thing... I don't know.



NaturalGlitch: “Maybe it’s because the show was basically saying that every girl on the planet isn’t obsessed with pink and tea parties, ones that like action, adventure and comedy. ...nah, that’s not it.”

Crazy56U: “And I still don’t. I don’t know my lot in life anymore. Every waking moment of my life has been taken over by horses and spooks.”

Dark Angel: The horses and the spooks sometimes being the same thing.



Maybe it was the animation, maybe it was the jokes, maybe it was Pinkie Pie,



Scarlet: Maybe it was a mind-altering parasite.

Lord Shaxx: Maybe it was actual cannibal Shia Labeouf.

NaturalGlitch: “I have designated Pinkie to be my Tulpa. For some reason she keeps yelling at me, though.”

Crazy56U: Definitely not the third thing…

Topher: Remember when tulpas were just called Imaginary Friends?

Dark Angel: Wait, that’s what a Tulpa is? When did the term Imaginary Friend change?!

Scarlet: The magic of the internet. And personally, I call all my imaginary friends “Stands.”



but I started waching more episodes and... I guess it's pretty obvious what happened.



NaturalGlitch: You went to McDonald's and ordered a kids meal for yourself to get the MLP toy?

Crazy56U: You spontaneously became a cabbage?

RJ: You decided to write a creepypasta fic and fail at it? … oh, wait...



In no time at all, I watched all the episodes released so far. I practically fell in love with the show, especially Pinkie Pie.



Scarlet: “I constructed a small shrine to her in my apartment using only spun sugar and ear wax.”

Lord Shaxx: *Grabs paper bag* I did not need to read that. Or the rest of the fic, for that matter.

Dark Angel: And the disturbing part is that since it’s been built, he probably filled it with other ‘juices’ if ya know what I mean.

NaturalGlitch: “I even dunked my dog in pink paint. I was sent away in a white van when I tried to staple cotton candy to his head.”

Crazy56U: Well that’s too bad, given what story this is. Wah wah waaaaah.



Heck, I don't even know if I'd have started watching the show if it didn't have Pinkie Pie.



NaturalGlitch: It totally doesn’t have to do with the fact that, even though she’s fake, Pinkie is the only one that would ever make a party just for you?

Crazy56U: I’d complain… but she is kind of the reason why I started watching FIM. ...granted, it was because of me learning about “Party of One”, but…

Topher: I too, was amused by the antics of the pink horse.

Crazy56U: ...didn’t say I was amused, pal...

Dark Angel: What got me into it was ironically a parody series.



She's probably the best character in the history of cartoons!



Scarlet: “Let me show you my vast collection of erotic fanart of her!”

Lord Shaxx: Can’t top Scootaloo’s collection of RD porn, though.

Dark Angel: Or Twilight’s collection of books…

NaturalGlitch: It was only a matter of time before someone made a pedo joke, I guess…

Crazy56U: No, that would be Mabel Pines, dipshit.



So imagine my disappointment when I finished watching all the episodes.



NaturalGlitch: “Now I had time on my hands, and when I do, the voices start talking to me.”

Crazy56U: This is still 2012, right? Or is this one of those particularly bad Spoopytales that takes place in the future for some reason...



Only two episodes actually featured her!



NaturalGlitch: But she was in the other episodes too, so what’s the big deal?

Crazy56U: Call me crazy, shut up, but I don’t think that’s an accurate estimate. I wanna see his calculations…

Dark Angel: Damnit! You shut me up before I could say it. Seriously, why do you have to be Crazy?

Crazy56U: I’ll answer that when you explain your name...



I mean, the other ponies were pretty cool, but still... With each new episode released, I wished for another episode she starred in.



Scarlet: “I carved her name into my flesh, so I could feel closer to her.”

Lord Shaxx: “Yandere, honey? Are you okay?”

NaturalGlitch: “I replaced my hair with pink bubble gum so I can absorb her into my soul.”

Crazy56U: And then he watched “Too Many Pinkie Pies”, and he began to rethink his life choices...

NaturalGlitch: ... (slams head into desk) Ow.

Crazy56U: ...okay, then.

Dark Angel: This shittypasta is barely out of the starting gate and already the insanity is causing people to have spasms.

Crazy56U: No, I think my “Too Many Pinkie Pies” comment was to blame for that, not this tripe...



I guess I got my wish. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WISH?



Something: “I just wanted a burrito, goddammit!”

NaturalGlitch: “What the hell am I going to do with all this hay?! ...hang on...”

Crazy56U: “Why couldn’t it have been my wish for Donald Trump to spontaneously combust?! WHY GODDAMNIT?!”

Dark Angel: That would never happen. His hair would absorb the impact.

Crazy56U: Let me dream.

Topher: Genies are dicks, boyo. Check your facts before rubbing the lamp.

Dark Angel: Also, think twice about what happens when you rub things before… rubbing anything.



Last Wednesday, I woke up early. VERY early, like, at 3:00 in the morning,



Lord Shaxx: I went to sleep at 3:00 am. Woke up at 7:30. Top that, you hussie.

NaturalGlitch: “But, what can I expect, with being a chronic bed wetter and all.”

Crazy56U: “Serves me right for chugging that Big Gulp before going to bed...”

Topher: SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. Also for the sane, BUT MAINLY FOR THE WEAK!

Dark Angel: I won’t sleep for a long time because this shittypasta will give me nightmares…and not because it’s scary.



and for some reason, I couldn't go back to sleep! I tried for maybe 10 minutes, but I was wide awake!



Scarlet: How very exciting! Perhaps it requires some extra emphasis!

Dark Angel: You tried for a whole ten minutes? That’s like FOREVER!

NaturalGlitch: “Why did I inject Red Bull directly into my eyes?!”

Crazy56U: The cocaine kicked in.

Lord Shaxx: Huh. I’m sure there’s a weed joke I can make, but I just can’t think of one.

Dark Angel: That’s probably because weed isn’t trippy enough for this fic.



So I turned on the TV in my room. If i wasn't going back to sleep, I had to do something!



NaturalGlitch: “Maybe I should ask that strange man what he’s doing in my house.”

Crazy56U: He was going to watch Apollo 18 and lull himself back to sleep through boredom. ...serious note, who here remembers that film?

Topher: I remember seeing it in my Netflix recommendations once, does that count?

Crazy56U: Unless you watched it, no.

Dark Angel: I vaguely remember Apollo 13.



I knew nothing good was on at this time, but I turned to The Hub anyway.



Crazy56U: ... (deep sigh) Gone too soon... (salutes)

Topher: (suddenly sporting a black t-shirt, screaming at the sky) DISCOVERYYYY FAMILYYYYYYYYY!

Dark Angel: CUPCAAAAAAAKES!!!

Lord Shaxx: And suddenly, Mexico is out to get you.



They have these old sitcoms at this time, which I never really liked,



NaturalGlitch: “—because there isn’t enough gratuitous porn about them that I can use for my bathroom time.”

Crazy56U: So, was he gonna get caught up on ALF? Is this going to become a sequel to that ALF Creepypasta?



but it was better than watching some infomercial on every other channel,



Scarlet: I suppose this was written after Adult Swim stopped airing re-runs of Cowboy Bebop.

NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t he just go to YouTube? I’m assuming he doesn’t have Netflix, but he obviously has internet.

Crazy56U: He just didn’t want to be tormented by this manufactured horror…

Topher: Of all the things I have experienced… bloody battles, rooms full of eviscerated corpses, people burning alive (and that was just a normal tuesday for me)… This is the first time I’m horrified. I… I can’t stay on this earth anymore. *shoots himself in the forehead*

Dark Angel: He won’t be gone that long.

Topher: (sits up) Wow! Three seconds! That’s the longest I’ve ever been dead!



so I just laid back and watched the episode of "Happy Days" that was on.



NaturalGlitch: “I didn’t realise The Hub was channel 666 on my TV.”

Crazy56U: “Oh, cool, it’s that episode about the shark!!!”



I was pretty tired after that, and I didn't want to watch Laverne and Shirley(yeesh!), so I reached for my remote to turn it off.



Scarlet: And in ten seconds, there will be a lost episode.

NaturalGlitch: So spooky! I’m glad that, while being terrified and frantic, the author feels the need to tell us about his channel surfing.

Crazy56U: Well, truth be told, if he had to choose between “Cupcakes” and Laverne and Shirley... ...actually, no, he should’ve stuck with Laverne and Shirley…

Dark Angel: It’s the lesser of two evils… though not by much.



Then the channel announced probably the last thing I ever expected: That a new episode of My Little Pony was on next!



Scarlet: It will be impossible for it to be airing at this time.

NaturalGlitch: I’m going to assume he’s dreaming this. I’m just glad it’s not a wet dream. ...or maybe it is to this guy.

Crazy56U: Given the types of fan fics featured here, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out he entered a time warp and it is now 11AM or something…

Dark Angel: I just realized that I think there’s a Groundhog’s Day reference in EqG: Friendship Games.

Crazy56U: No, that’s a spoiler for the season 5 finale.



I was like "...What?"



NaturalGlitch: Beautiful! Cleverly done, sir!

Crazy56U: The narrator is confirmed to be Keanu Reeves.

Topher: If that’s the case, then it means the Internet is leaking into the Matrix again.

Dark Angel: So that’s why everyone keeps turning into Rick Astley.



They already aired the latest episode last Saturday, so how could they be airing another one now? And why at this time, when all the fans were asleep?



Scarlet: Despite these suspicious circumstances, you will watch it anyway because you have the genre savviness of an ant.

Crazy56U: I chalk it up to there being a glitch in the Matrix yes I am sticking with my “he’s Keanu Reeves” theory, shut up.

NaturalGlitch: Was it a… natural glitch? (toothy grin)

Crazy56U: (slams your head into the table)



...I shrugged it off.



NaturalGlitch: Take a drink!

Crazy56U: “Eh, fuck it, we need spoops...”

Topher: I guess it was too much to ask for some creativity.

Dark Angel: Eeyup.



It was an episode of one of my favorite shows after all, AND a NEW one even! Watching it would earn me some bragging rights with the brony community!



Lord Shaxx: Writing about watching a well-known fic does not earn you street cred, numbnuts.

Something: Fandom bragging rights is not something to be pleased about.

Scarlet: The genre savviness of an ant who is drunk.

NaturalGlitch: “Because I literally have nothing else to be proud of!”

Crazy56U: “I know about ‘Cupcakes’! I AM BETTER THAN YOU!”

Dark Angel: I have a feeling that the fandom is gonna need a guardian Angel after this.



So I sat back in my bed and waited for it to come on.



Something: “Twelve years later, I was still waiting.”

Lord Shaxx: “Still not airing? UNNACCEPTAAAAABBLLEEEEEEEE!

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) Waiting. (ding!)



If I had just gone to sleep, I would probably be safe now...



Something: From what? Fire? Scorpions? Another season of 2 Broke Girls?

Lord Shaxx: Or, God forbid, reruns from Gen 3!

Dark Angel: Or the episode *gulp* Princess Spike.

NaturalGlitch: (rolls eyes) Oh, God, here we go…

Crazy56U: OR, horror of horrors... ...a repeat of “Return of Harmony, Part 1”!!!

Topher: Oh, boy! I can’t wait to see the comments on this riff!

Scarlet: And while we’re at it, I didn’t like Lesson Zero!



The episode was a bit weird from the beginning.



NaturalGlitch: “It didn’t conform to my way of thinking, it invalidated my favorite fanfiction/porn, and it dare to change the status quo! This is ruining the integrity of the show! I’m a grown man!”

Crazy56U: Ah, so it’s “Magical Mystery Cure” then?

Dark Angel: Seriously, that episode was like if My Little Pony was a bad musical.

Scarlet: Lies. “Morning in Ponyville” redeems all of the runtime problems.



There was no cold opening or theme song, it just opened on a blue sky full of clouds.



Scarlet: No, honey, you switched channels. That’s “The Simpsons”.

Dark Angel: If this is a Cupcakes creepypasta, then why is he watching an episode about Rainbow Factory?

NaturalGlitch: Um… doesn’t the show normally have an opener before the beginning credits?

Dark Angel: Eeyup.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, “Up”.



After a second, the title came up. "Cupcakes", and that was it... No other credits at all.



NaturalGlitch: “Three save files?! What the fuck was this doing in the first Sonic game?!”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, everyone in Ponyville began to panic because of the sudden appearance of giant-honking letters in the sky.

Dark Angel: I’m suddenly reminded of a Geiko commercial.



What was this..? I put the question on hold a few seconds later when Rainbow Dash entered the scene. At least SHE was normal



Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “What did you just say about me, punk?”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “The voices are back!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “RAINBOW FACTORY!”

Dark Angel: [Rainbow Dash] “A FRIENDSHIP BROKEN BY LOYALTY!!!”



! She was smiling and flying through the sky, leaving her rainbow trail as she punched holes in the clouds.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “It’s Monday, cloud, so where’s my money?”

Crazy56U: Damn it, Rainbow’s giving herself brain damage by going that! ...somehow!

Dark Angel: Hell, she’s giving us brai dabage by ding that!



The camera followed her while she flew over a schoolhouse, making the little ponies scream in delight and awe.



Scarlet: “OH GOD SHE JUST BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER RIGHT NEXT TO MY EAR I THINK IT’S BLEEDING”

Dark Angel: “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE MY EAR IS BLEEDING!”

NaturalGlitch: “DOES THIS MEAN SCHOOL IS CANCELLED?! WHOO!!”

Crazy56U: “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, AND I DON’T FEEL FINE!!!”



Then she started doing all these tricks: Loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, circles, and things I don't have names for.



Scarlet: Ah, yes. Lovecraftian aerial stunts.

Lord Shaxx: OH GOD I CAN’T SEE MY EYES ARE BLEEDING

NaturalGlitch: Are we finally going to see what the Buccaneer Blitz looks like?

Crazy56U: And then she pulls off the Double Rainboom. And then the episode got even worse…

Dark Angel: “The pressure caused me to void my bowels!”

Topher: Oh god! I remember the last time he pulled off a multiple rainboom! I’M NOT GOING TO DIE AGAIN THIS SOON! ABANDON FIC!! (jumps through a hatch in the floor)



To finish it all off, she flew up in the air, dove at the ground, and pulled up at the last second.



NaturalGlitch: “That’s when enemy fighters came up on her side and fired missiles at her! Rainbow barely dodged them!”

Crazy56U: Hmm... Kenny, you got anything to add here?

Dark Angel: Huh. I was expecting a link to a South Park video.

Crazy56U: (scoff) I have some standards, okay?

Dark Angel: Since when do riffers have standards?



I probably didn't notice at the time, but, looking back, I realize there was no music, just sounds of Rainbow flying.



Scarlet: Um, author? I hate to break it to you but we all know the plot of Cupcakes… author? Author? You’re wasting our time!

Dark Angel: Also, I’m pretty sure you’d notice there not being music in a show that constantly has music.

NaturalGlitch: “A thing happen that was different from the normal show?! SPOOKY!!”

Crazy56U: “It was then that I realized that I accidentally muted the TV.”

Dark Angel: I’d ask if we can mute this shittypasta. But that’s like having a deaf man listen to music.



She continued to fly for a few more seconds... then she just stopped.



NaturalGlitch: “That’s when she started breakdancing, complete with techno.”

Dark Angel: This was the first thing that came to mind when I saw breakdancing.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) Rainbow Dash is a dick to physics. (ding!)



The camera zoomed in until all we could see was her face. Her eyes widened, like she was scared.



Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “Aw, feathers, I’m not in another creepypasta, am I?”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “When you stare into an abyss...you get really bored.”

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow began screaming.



"Shoot!" she yelled. "I gotta get to Pinkie Pie's!"



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “I need some party planning for Scootaloo’s surprise party!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I almost forgot what story this was supposed to be; Pinkie’s supposed to be drugging me by now!”

Dark Angel: [Dash] “Oh no, I’m late! Pinkie’s gonna kill me!”

Topher: (wakes up) *snort* yes, yes, I was paying attention. Rainbow has to shoot Pinkie, got it.



Then she just took off again, the camera following her as she zoomed through the sky at top speed.



Something: In this case, being two miles per hour.

Dark Angel: I’d make a comment about that just being the speed his brain is working. But I’m pretty sure that it would be allot slower than two miles an hour.

NaturalGlitch: It’s probably the speed of smell.

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow merged with the Speed Force.

Dark Angel: Is it me, or are we using a lot of speed?



At this point, you're probably expecting me to say



NaturalGlitch: “—that I’m not into little kids sharting on each other, but...”

Crazy56U: “more things, but honestly, I don’t care anymore, I’m gonna take a nap now. (snore)”

Topher: At this point, you’re probably expecting me to say “At this point, you’re probably expecting me to say”



"The animation got choppy and the colors started bleeding into impossible, creepy colors, like some 8th grader made this."



Scarlet: Well, honestly, no. That might have been moderately amusing. I expect nothing but bland, recycled Cupcakes.

Dark Angel: Seriously, why would he think we’d expect him to say that?

NaturalGlitch: Because that’s literally every other “Lost Episode” creepypasta ever.

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) Narrator is a dick to 8th graders. (ding!)



...Well, they didn't. It looked just like a regular episode with the same fluidity of animation and same advanced shading and coloring.



NaturalGlitch: This must be a fan animation. Because, you know, if there’s one fic that defines what a brony is, it’s Cupcakes. Seriously, fuck that story.

Crazy56U: Right there with ya, pal.

Topher: But cupcakes is my favorite fanfic! I get all my culinary prowess from it! By the way, anyone care for a sandwich? Made with really %100 actually real ham! Nothing untoward!

Dark Angel: I know I should be apprehensive, considering who made it. But (stomach rumbles) What the hell. (takes sandwich)

Scarlet: “Defines what a brony is”? Oh come now, give “My Little Dashie” some credit.



Heck, if anything, the animation was slightly better, if that was even possible!



Scarlet: I see that *insert topical fan animator here* got a budget increase.

Dark Angel: Actually, when they put the time and energy into it, you’d be surprised how good some fan animations can be. Have you ever seen Lullaby for a Princess?

NaturalGlitch: “It’s like they animated this frame-by-frame instead of using tweens!”

Crazy56U: An entire F-Sack of them!



After a few more seconds, the camera switched to an outside view of Sugarcube Corner, the bakery Pinkie Pie works in,



NaturalGlitch: I’m so happy you had to clarify that.

Crazy56U: Instead of the meth lab she works in on the weekends.



with Rainbow Dash arriving at the front of the building a split-second later.



Scarlet: *prods the fic* Yup… it’s full of padding. All the way to the brim.

Dark Angel: Seriously, who feels like they have to describe that Pinkie Pie works at Sugarcube Corner? If you’re a fan of the show, you know that. If you’re not, chances are they weren’t reading this fic to begin with.

Crazy56U: Why are you going point by point, Author. Just skip to the part worth a damn…

Dark Angel: Yes, take Crazy’s advice and skip to the end.

Crazy56U: Exactly.



The camera changed to an inside view, with an out-of-breath Rainbow Dash



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Phew! Was there supposed to be a hurricane scheduled for today or something?”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Aw, geeze Rainbow, did you forget how to breath again?”

[Rainbow] “(wheeze) Maybe... (collapses)”



walking through the door and across the floor, where she met PINKIE PIE!



Something: “Not the real Pinkie Pie, just some clone that refers to herself in all caps.”

Scarlet: “MY ANGEL OF THE PARTY.”

Dark Angel: What about me and parties?

NaturalGlitch: [PINKIE PIE] “WHY YES I AM PINKIE PIE. BEEP BOOP BLIP. NOT A ROBOT.”

Crazy56U: “Sorry ‘bout that, stubbed my toe... ...ow…”



I was smiling. FINALLY, another episode starring my favorite pony!



NaturalGlitch: “Tirek! Wait—no—what? Well...he’s a centaur, so it kinda counts?”

Crazy56U: “Mane-iac! Wait, she has green hair…”

Lord Shaxx: “Lassie!”

Dark Angel: Did Timmy fall in the well again?



Pinkie greeted Rainbow Dash and Dash apologized for being late, then asked what they were doing. "Making Cupcakes!"



Scarlet: oh no I hope that in no way will this end badly.

Dark Angel: It’s just baking cupcakes. How could that… (remembers Applejack’s baked ‘bads’) …Oh, right.

Crazy56U: Astounding, I’m already bored. I mean, you could’ve mixed it up a bit, to make it somewhat suspenseful, but no. This fic is a saddening bore, 'cause it's been wrote ten times or more! GET ON WITH IT!

Lord Shaxx: GET ON WITH IT!

Dark Angel: GET ON WITH IT!

Topher: GET ON WITH IT!



the hopping pony told her.



Crazy56U: Pinkie confirmed part-Tigger. ...or part-Spoink.

Dark Angel: Or part pogo stick.



Dash told her she wasn't a good baker, but Pinkie said Dash wouldn't be doing any work, she would just be helping.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I made my previous Cupcake song into a dance-mix, and I need a dance partner while the actual cupcakes finish baking!”

Crazy56U: As in taste-testing the knockout drug. That will be used to knock Rainbow out. Because Cupcakes. Again, WHY GO POINT FOR POINT?!



...Yeah, that confused me as much as it probably confused Dash.



Scarlet: “I was stupid that way.”

Dark Angel: If he was as much of a fan of Pinkie Pie as he claims, he wouldn’t have been confused because that kind of response is on par with Pinkie Pie.

NaturalGlitch: “And that’s when I fell asleep; it was the one where I get home from work and Pinkie is on my couch rubbing her tummy while staring at me...”

Crazy56U: “I mean, Pinkie never done good things... She never done bad things... She never did anything out of the blue… So, why here…”



Dash seemed alright with it though and said she'd help. Pinkie gave her a cupcake, which the confused Pegasus ate.



Scarlet: Well, don’t mind if I do! *reaches out and steals the cupcake before swallowing it*

Dark Angel: [Rainbow Dash] “Why do I suddenly feel like I went to Burger King?” I wonder how many people will get that reference.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(pukes up the cupcake) BLEUGH! Why does this taste like mayo?!”

[Pinkie] “(scoff) Well, excuse me for being creative!”

Lord Shaxx: Let’s all agree, to never be creative again.



The camera changed so that we were looking through Dash's eyes at Pinkie. "Now, you take a nap." Pinkie told her.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Oopsies! That was my ‘anti-midnight snack’ cupcakes! It’s supposed to help you sleep so you don’t overstuff yourself.”

Crazy56U: Jesus, you even rehashed that line verbatim? Even in the original story, that wasn’t creepy. It was too on the nose!



Just then, the camera started shaking and swaying from side to side as I heard Dash groan.



Something: [Dash] “I told you last time, don’t put kale in the cupcakes! It tastes awful!”

Scarlet: *belches flame* … okay, I admit I didn’t quite expect that reaction, but I’ll roll with it.

Crazy56U: Oh, great, not only is Rainbow poisoned, now the camerapony is drunk as fuck!

Dark Angel: Actually, that sounds like a good idea. *takes a drink of rum*



"..Wait, did Pinkie just drug her?" I asked myself as I watched the screen get hazy.



Lord Shaxx: Author, meet the date rape drug.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie, sad] “Are my cupcakes so boring that you went to sleep?”

Crazy56U: No. Shit. Sherlock.

Dark Angel: [Rainbow Dash] “It’s not the Cupcake. It’s just that the shittypasta we’re in is so boring that it causes narca-(falls asleep)”



A second later, there was a *THUMP* sound and everything went dark.



Something: And everything was lovely once again.

NaturalGlitch: “Turns out it was me rolling around on my couch.”

Crazy56U: *cue happy credits music*



Then, the nightmare started, both for her and for me.



Something: Well, as of this writing it is October. Time to get spoopy.

Lord Shaxx: 3Spoopyee5yee

NaturalGlitch: “I like the movie, but do they have to play Nightmare before Christmas every night in October?”

Lord Shaxx: That is legitimately a family tradition for me. And I rather enjoy it.

Crazy56U: And I don’t feel… a thing.



A few seconds later, I heard the sounds of Dash waking up.



NaturalGlitch: “She must’ve ate something spicy, because—WHOO!—those sounds...”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Ugh… I feel like I got hit with a sack of bricks...”

Dark Angel: [Pinkie] (nervously) “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” (pushes sack of bricks under a sheet)

Topher: What the? (checks pocket) How did she get my sack of bricks? we’re on opposite sides of the fourth wall! Oh, right Pinkie.



The screen started to clear up again, showing that we were still looking at things from Rainbow's point of view...



Crazy56U: You know, I don’t think Greenlighting “Cupcakes Simulator” on Steam was such a good idea…

Topher: But wait until Markiplier gets his hands on it!



not that we could see much though



Scarlet: Damn it, Pinkie! You spent up the electricity budget on streamers again!

Dark Angel: Well, she has to reload her party cannon somehow.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “What do you mean we can’t brighten a dark room with a smile?”

Crazy56U: Clap on! (clap clap) (let there be light)



. Wherever she was, it was very dark. Dash made some confused noises,



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “BRAAAAAAP! (blushes) Sorry—had one too many sodas.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “???????? !!!!!!! &?!&?!&?!”

Lord Shaxx: *Insert humorous statement here*



then the camera rattled slighty,



Crazy56U: The camera is infested with snakes!

Dark Angel: [Snake] “SSSeymor, I told you that Pinkie’sss wasss the bessst choiccce to get cupcakesss.”



like she was trying to turn her head, which she apparently couldn't.



Something: Just a friendly reminder that I find creepypastas to be really goddamn boring.

NaturalGlitch: How is this guy not asleep yet?

Crazy56U: (chugs a can of Monster)

Lord Shaxx: Only reason I’m still up is because Mykan has decided to haunt my dreams.



When the perspective changed, I jumped. Dash was strapped to a crappy wooden table,



Scarlet: “Like, the quality was absolutely terrible! It was probably purchased at a flea market or something!”

Dark Angel: Actually, that does sound on par of what Pinkie would do.

Crazy56U: So, it came from Ikea?



braces around her hooves, chest, and neck!



NaturalGlitch: “She couldn’t break them because...um... (wiggles arms in the air) WOOGIE WHOO!”

Crazy56U: But not in her mouth, because.



She continued struggling for a few more seconds as I watched, then she stopped as the sound of squeaky wheels began.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now you’re going to watch my vacation slides against your will, Dash! Muahahahhaha!” [Dash] “Nooo!~”

Crazy56U: (pulls out an oil can) I can fix that, on the grounds that the fic ends right here and now.

Topher: Yes, my student! Feel the power of the fire you control! Now, set it free! LET IT OUT! LET THE WORLD SEE THE POWER THAT YOU CONTROL! LET THEM BURN IN YOUR AWESOME PRESENCE!

Scarlet: Huh? Oh. ‘Kay. *shrugs and immolates himself* And….. yeah, it’s not really doing it for me.

Topher: Well, it’s normal procedure to set the other people on fire, but I love the creativity!

Crazy56U: (slams oil can into Topher’s head) Shush.

Topher: Ok, you’ve given me a headache. It’s a step in the right direction. Allow me to demonstrate a more effective method. (shoots Crazy in the head)



Perspective switched back to Dash's, and Pinkie came into view, pushing a cart and wearing some weird multi-colored dress.



Scarlet: *rolls dice* And… yup, it’s come up Musical Theater reference.

Dark Angel: I saw that reference coming since before I clicked on the link.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now I shall show you my interpretive dance.” [Dash] “Just kill me already!”

Crazy56U: She looked like a clown’s septic tank after years of partying way too hard. Or, in other words, she stole the Sixth Doctor’s outfit.



Pinkie and Dash started talking, Dash asking what was going on. "I need some more special ingredients." Pinkie said. "What special ingredients?" Dash asked. "You, silly!"



Something: There’s a different thing involving cannibalism that I can be watching right now…

Scarlet: Really? I thought Hannibal was cancelled.

Crazy56U: Why bring that up?! says the guy who never saw it.

Lord Shaxx: Ever seen Rob Cantor’s Shia Labeouf live music video?

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I must hug you to bring me my confidence back as a baker.” [Dash] “So...why the braces?” [Pinkie] “So you don’t leave when I read you Maud’s poetry, silly!”

Lord Shaxx: [Dash] ...And the towel? And the fish in my ear?

Dark Angel: [Pinkie] “Some hitchhiker did all that.”



"Wait, what?" was the only thing on my mind.



Crazy56U: Dumbass, it’s not that hard to follow!

Dark Angel: Don’t forget what size his brain really is.



The show had been getting a little mature ever since the company realized more teenagers and young adults than little kids were watching this,



NaturalGlitch: Get fucked, author. You so completely missed the point of the show that I’m sure you need reminders to help you blink and talk at the same time.

Crazy56U: Oh God, he’s one of those people…

Dark Angel: [Applejack] “Eyes peeled, ears open. Eyes peeled, ears open.”



like when Twilight completely lost it in that early Season 2 episode, but this was ridiculous.



Scarlet: Almost as if this was a well-known fan work created with the adult fanbase in mind. HUH.

Dark Angel: I’m pretty sure that Lesson Zero was not a more mature episode than any others. The most mature the series ever got was the Twilight’s Kingdom two-parter. Either that or Tanks for the Memories.

NaturalGlitch: It was the fans that made Lesson Zero into a big deal, not the show. It’s also one of the things bronies will not shut up about.

Dark Angel: I know. What’s so great about Lesson Zero?

Crazy56U: Well, it’s not as bad as the “Canterlot Wedding” discussions…

Lord Shaxx: It can always be worse. Always remember that.

Dark Angel: If we riff it, it means it’s worse.



My attention turned back to the screen.



NaturalGlitch: “The seductive look the floor was giving me didn’t sway me from watching a horse show meant for girls.”

Crazy56U: “Because I apparently decided to stare at the ceiling fan while having my asinine thought process…”



The camera was on Dash, who was laughing nervously and protesting with Pinkie, saying that it was all a joke and other ponies would find her.



Scarlet: The riff returned to Scarlet, who grew bored of repackaged horrorfic which lacks all the flair and controlled mood of the original story.

Lord Shaxx: Lord Shaxx promptly took back his microphone so he could continue announcing the Crucible.

Dark Angel: At the witness of this massacre of a somewhat decent horrorfic, Dark Angel saw a gun on the table and was considering shooting himself. When he finally made the choice to end it, he found that it was just a water gun.

NaturalGlitch: The last thing NaturalGlitch saw was his alarm clock flashing 12:07 before she pushed her long rotting nails through his chest, her other hand muffling his screams. He sat bolt upright, relieved it was only a dream, but as he saw his alarm clock read 12:06, he heard his closet door creak open.

Crazy56U: Crazy56U nonchalantly grabbed a tissue from a nearby tissue box so he could blow his nose, as he still had a cold at the time of explaining this. (honk) He then typed out the sound effect of him blowing his nose, because he’s weird like that.



Then perspective went back to Pinkie, who told the Pegasus it wasn't a joke and that she'd been doing this for some time.



NaturalGlitch: (whiffs his hand in front of his nose) EWW! That’s some rancid shit right there!

Crazy56U: You know, explaining dialogue is just as lazy, if not more so, than simply rehashing it…

Lord Shaxx: And the reason for that is...

Crazy56U: Because, while you are rehashing dialogue, at least you’re having the

characters talk. There’s a big difference between characters rehashing lines, and the

narrator describing the rehashing of lines.



Then she turned on the lights in the room.



Something: It was, in reality, a horror-themed surprise birthday party.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, this became “Party of One”.

Lord Shaxx: *Mr. Popo intensifies*



I nearly fell out of bed.



Something: “Goddamn this bed sucks. Fucking IKEA...”

Dark Angel: Seriously, I have a bed with a broken box spring and I’ve never had an issue like that.

Lord Shaxx: Loft beds are above all other beds.

NaturalGlitch: “I realised I was sitting on a puddle this whole time.”

Crazy56U: And thus he narrowly misses Freddy Kruger’s arm, looking to pull him into the mattress...



The room was decorated like a party, but only if you were invited by Hannibal Lecter!



Scarlet: God damn it! Don’t remind me! I miss it already… *reaches out towards a framed photograph of Mads Mikkelsen*

NaturalGlitch: Maybe the author had his brains scooped out and fed to him.

Crazy56U: If only, I’ve always wanted to meet Anthony Hopkins...



All the decorations were made from pony parts!



NaturalGlitch: “I didn’t know ponies were detachable! I’m going to try that if I ever go to a ranch.”

Crazy56U: “And it looked fake as shit, somehow.”



The balloons were organs, the chairs were bones and skin, the streamers were intestines, and a big banner, made from entire pony hides, read "Life Is A Party"!



Scarlet: Oh come on, dude, Hannibal would’ve at bare minimum artfully arranged the bones into a little chair for Dash to sit in while he served afternoon brunch.

NaturalGlitch: Pinkie must go through Febreeze by the truckload.

Crazy56U: No, life sucks, and then you fucking die.



Pinkie threw the sheet of the cart she was pushing, The camera went back to Dash, who had a look of pure horror on her face,



NaturalGlitch: “I would describe it better, but you’d just soil your pants if I did!”

Crazy56U: Behold, the look of pure terror:



Dark Angel: I’d say that it’s less of a face of terror and more of a face of nausea.



which probably matched the one I had at the same time.



Scarlet: Funny, all I’m experiencing is deja vu.

Dark Angel: Seriously, this isn’t even a fanfic. This is a fanfic of someone reading a fanfic. Or watching in this case.

Crazy56U: Somehow, I doubt that.



Pinkie said something, but I don't think I was paying attention.



NaturalGlitch: “I live alone, so why are all my doors opening?”

Crazy56U: “Besides, I accidentally muted the TV again. I keep sitting on the remote.”



The perspective widened to show Pinkie standing right next to Dash, holding a beaked skull.



Scarlet: Then, being of sound mind and body, I turned off the television or changed the channel.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Looks real, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t believe how cheap these Nightmare Night props are!” [Dash] “That’s ‘cause it’s July, Pinkie!”

Crazy56U: What the fuck did she do to Crow T. Robot?!

Topher: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME TOM SERVO’S OKAY!

Dark Angel: Is Cambot okay?!



I knew who it was before Pinkie even said anything. Gilda, Dash's griffon friend from the first season!



NaturalGlitch: “Here, let me put a link it in this creepypasta—I mean, this experience I had.”

Crazy56U: Get real, Gilda isn’t a skull, you silly- oooooooooh...



Pinkie started tormenting Dash with it, with a very panicked Dash trying to shut her out.



Something: Don’t mention things that I would rather be watching, shitfic.

Scarlet: Let me try that again. Being of sound mind and body, I turned off the television or changed the channel.

Dark Angel: And with that statement, The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone could never exist.

NaturalGlitch: I am so, so glad they had another Gilda episode. Not only did they expand the mythos of the show, but it obliterates this piece of shit right out of the water.

Crazy56U: Heh, like a “cannon”, I get it…

Dark Angel: Eeyup.



My eyes went back to Pinkie's dress.



NaturalGlitch: “Oh, crap... I got a boner.”

Crazy56U: “It looked tacky as shit.”

Topher: “Due to the fact it was made from the asses of about thirty other ponies, it made her ass look HUGE.”



With what the rest of the room was made from, I now realized her weird dress was made from CUTIE MARKS,



NaturalGlitch: “Why are they called cutie marks on stallions? Shouldn't they be called stud stamps? Am I right here, fellas? Hello? Anyone?”

Dark Angel: Eeyup.

Crazy56U: Pinkie had unintentionally takes some cues from Starlight Communist.



with Pegasus wings sewn on the back and a necklace of unicorn horns around her neck!



Scarlet: “It was at that moment that I truly fell in love with Pinkie.”

RJ: [Pinkie] I remember my time in My Lai.

Dark Angel: A necklace of unicorn horns would probably look more tribal than stylish.

Crazy56U: That she simply got from Hot Topic.



WHAT WAS THIS? If this was someone's idea of a joke, it was already going too far!



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now...spooky movie marathon can start! I’ll go get the popcorn!” [Dash] “OK, seriously, why am I strapped down?” [Pinkie] “So you don’t run away screaming, of course.” [Dash] “Just because that happened once...”

Crazy56U: Then Sergeant Sprinkles began crying, and he had no idea why.



And how did it get on this channel? There's no possible way anything this demented would even be on Adult Swim!



Something: Have you SEEN an episode of Mr. Pickles?

Dark Angel: I know, right? Something like this could make it onto Adult Swim. However, anything MLP related would not because IT’S THE WRONG CHANNEL! Although Robot Chicken did do an MLP parody.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, I actually have. ... (sigh) And they’re still producing episodes, for... some reason…

Topher: I know, the situation is grim. Just remember Rick and Morty, gentlemen. There is still hope.

Crazy56U: ...you’ve seen the second season finale, yes?



And then it got worse. I didn't think it could, but it did.



Something: You changed the channel and Mr. Pickles was on?

NaturalGlitch: “My boner was going away!”

Crazy56U: Stop bringing up Mr. Pickles.

Dark Angel: Are we talking about Mr. Pickles the TV show, or is Mr. Pickles what you call you cock?

Scarlet: DIETHEDEATHSENTENCEDTODEATHTHEGREATEQUALIZERISDEATH. *reflexively beheads Dark Angel* Oops. Sorry. That one was just…. yeah.

Topher: I’m rubbing off on you guys, it seems!



The camera stayed on Dash, who was weeping heavily, as Pinkie put down the skull and walked off-screen.



NaturalGlitch: “Out of my screen and into my living room!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “That’s it, I quit! I’m calling my agents right now, I want out of this tripe!”

Dark Angel: If Pinkie truly wanted out, all she would need to do is break the fourth wall, like how she got Topher’s sack earlier.



She came back on-screen, pushing the cart into view.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Hello! I’m Pinkie Pie and I’ll be your flight attendant.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “The producer said I’d get double my paycheck if I stayed, screw it…”

RJ: Oh boy, canarble wagon time!

Topher: [Pinkie] “I was hoping you could help me prepare my cart for Rainbow Road. you seemed like the go-to mare.”

Dark Angel: Eeyup.



As Dash and I watched, she grabbed a scalpel off the top and walked to Dash's right side.



Scarlet: ...This is going to go through the entirety of the dissection process from Cupcakes, isn’t it.

Dark Angel: Knowing our luck.

Crazy56U: ARRRRRRRGH.



The camera focused on her lightning cloud cutie mark as Pinkie Pie entered the frame.



NaturalGlitch: Please skip the horrible puns.

Crazy56U: Or, rather, skip this whole sequence. Since, you know, you refuse to do anything different here...



The scalpel in her hoof, she placed the blade at the top and CUT AROUND THE MARK!



Scarlet: It’s like the world’s worst dramatic reading. Without the reading. Or the drama.

Dark Angel: Or anybody actually caring.

Crazy56U: (sigh)

Topher: ALL CAPS when not writing DIALOGUE is the BEST tool for EMPHASIS and is in NO WAY PUERILE.



Dash screamed.



NaturalGlitch: For ice cream?

Crazy56U: Out of boredom.



It actually sounded like the voice actress was in intense pain!



NaturalGlitch: They showed her the fan content.

Crazy56U: [Ashleigh Ball] “I’m getting payed for this, right?”

[Random Fuck] “Uhhhh-”

[Ashleigh Ball] “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”



It cut to a close-up of Dash's face, who was screaming and writhing, tears streaming down her face!



Scarlet: Well, that’s about where I am right now. GET ON WITH THE ORIGINAL CONTENT.

NaturalGlitch: I think that’s in a different story.

Crazy56U: Rehash Conga!



She continued to scream for about 10 seconds,



Scarlet: “I timed it with my stopwatch.”

Dark Angel: She screamed for ten seconds flat as the pain became twenty percent more painful.

NaturalGlitch: I think my brain just barfed.

Crazy56U: And then we proceeded to groan for two hours.

Dark angel: Which is disturbing considering that the show only has a 30 minute run time.



then the camera went back to Pinkie, who had finished cutting around the mark.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Ha! I knew it! You’re a robot.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “I did this as slow as possible because padding! :D”



She briefly walked offscreen, returning with a curved knife. She dug the blade under the cut and sliced the skin away from Dash's flank, while Dash's screaming and wailing intensified!



Scarlet: “I began to masturbate furiously.”

Dark Angel: Knowing our luck. Oh wait, I used that already.

NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately, this is tamer than some guro porn out there. Just… why?

Crazy56U: (begins spinning around in chair out of boredom) Ugh…



When she was finished, Pinkie peeled the rest off Dash's flank and held it in her hooves, examining it and smiling, while Dash's flank bled.



Something: Remember when the original story was considered the pinnacle of ponefic trash?

Scarlet: Yeaahhhhh. You never realize how good something is until you see it done worse.

NaturalGlitch: And then I read Momma Fluttershy.

Crazy56U: At the end of the day, everyone decided to send Rainbow to space so that she would stop getting blood everywhere.



Again, you're probably expecting me to say it was "hyper-realistic" blood, but it wasn't.



Scarlet: “It was only super realistic!”

Dark Angel: “The realism wasn’t able to collect all seven super emeralds.”

NaturalGlitch: ...hang on, didn’t a previous creepypasta we did do the exact same thing?

Crazy56U: It wasn’t even blood at all! It was liquid rainbows! Wait, scratch that, that would be doing something different with the source material. Fuck that!



However, although it was cartoon blood, the way it flowed down what was visible of Dash almost perfectly mimicked actual bloodflow, like the company actually poured more money into the cartoon to get it perfect!



Scarlet: ...You know I was kidding but I think he actually just vindicated my riff.

Dark Angel: And considering how the animation has been getting better with time, that description is probably accurate.

NaturalGlitch: “Oh, am I doctor, by the way, so I know how blood properly flows.”

Crazy56U: “I’m not saying that it’s hyper-realistic, but it’s hyper-realistic.”



After just staring at the mark for several seconds,



NaturalGlitch: “This one famous creepypasta did this time shit, so if I do the exact same thing, it will show the world how original I am!”

Crazy56U: “stopwatch,”



she got up and the camera switched back to a shot of Dash and Pinkie. Then, it repeated, as if the scenes were flipped, except Dash now had a bloody hole on one of her hips.



Scarlet: “I continued furiously masturbating.”

NaturalGlitch: “It happen twice! Are you scared again?!”

Crazy56U: Oh, so it was recycling footage. Yippy skippy.



When Pinkie was finished cutting the other one, she picked them both up and turned to Rainbow Dash.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “And now reveal your true form, foul one!” [Dash, mutating] “Hiiiiis!~”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “I feel like I’m just phoning it in… You feel that way?”

[Rainbow] “PAIIIIN!”

[Pinkie] “...so, no?”



There was a frontal shot of Pinkie, waving the marks around like toys!



Something: *is ignoring the fic, watching an episode of Twin Peaks*

Crazy56U: (continues to blow nose)



The remote was in my hand!



NaturalGlitch: “Now it was on the floor! I decided to walk the dinosaur!”

Crazy56U: ...fuck, that shoots down my “sitting on the remote” theory…

Dark Angel: Well, not if he’s also on the floor.

Topher: Yes, but then walking the dinosaur introduces a whole new set of variables.



My finger was on the power button! I had every thought to press the button and end this abomination of my favorite pony!



NaturalGlitch: And it’s only going to get worse, buddy.

Crazy56U: DO IT YOU FUCKING COWARD!



...But I couldn't... It was as if my finger was completely frozen!



Scarlet: Well, your parents did warn you that if you kept it up your hand would freeze that way.

Crazy56U: (slams head into table) FUCK.



I couldn't even look away from the screen, my eyes glued to a weeping Dash,



NaturalGlitch: “My face was pressed up so close to the screen that my retinas bleed into it.”

Crazy56U: “Much like this pasta, it was a trainwreck. Unlike this pasta, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it…”



the areas around her braces rubbed red and raw from thrashing,



NaturalGlitch: It does take a while to get used to braces.

Crazy56U: And because they were made out of some kind of Kryptonite, she has yet to break out of them. (deep, sad sigh)

Scarlet: Oh no! They’re made from pure Damselium! The most awkward fictional mineral in non-existence!



while Pinkie placed the marks on her cart. Maybe it was just me, but something was making me watch this horrible cartoon to the end.



NaturalGlitch: It’s your brain deflating.

Crazy56U: It’s the author.

Dark Angel: It’s the author’s brain deflating.



Every muscle in my body tense, I continued to watch...



Something: *still ignoring the fic, playing Pokemon Y*

Scarlet: Oooh! Are you in Laverre City yet? Valerie’s gym was awesome, and Kalos is so pretty, and, and- *babbles on*

Crazy56U: (has pulled out a 3DS; has begun playing Super Smash Bros.)



"Sorry, Dash, but I'm going to wing it now." Pinkie joked as she picked up a knife from the cart.



NaturalGlitch: And then Rainbow died from the sheer lameness of that pun.

Crazy56U: And her ghost promptly beat the shit out of Pinkie for it.

Dark Angel: Actually, that would be a more interesting fic than this.



The camera followed Pinkie as she walked around to the back of the table, where I could see Dash's wings sticking through gaps in the table.



Scarlet: Hahaha, in the original fic this was… this was darkly comical. It’s… I’m nostalgic. For Cupcakes. god damn it.

Dark Angel: Well, reading the original Cupcakes would be better than reading this shitty creepypasta version.

NaturalGlitch: “Remembering that she can break the sound barrier and lift over a ton with her wings, she lightly batten them, causing the table to explode into splinters.”

Crazy56U: The first time I read Cupcakes, my only reaction during it was a brief cough. At first, having heard of how fucked up it was, I thought my non-reaction was part of some kind of problem… But then, I came to a realization: I didn’t react in disgust or horror because it was trying too hard.



She grabbed one and held it tight as she raised the knife.



Scarlet: Before bringing it down and cutting a slice of cake.

NaturalGlitch: Pinkie didn’t share any with Rainbow. This is true torture!

Crazy56U: Does this mean we skipped to the end, and Pinkie is about to deal the killing blow?



I desperately tried to close my eyes to block out the scene, but the best I could do was blink rapidly,



NaturalGlitch: So...he’s batting his eyes at the TV.

Crazy56U: Which wound up fucking himself over since there was a Weeping Angel in the room with him...



which didn't help at all to block the image of Pinkie slamming the knife into the base of Dash's wing as the Pegasus screamed and thrashed.



Scarlet: ...actually, removing a wing with a knife is a pain. It’s easier to start with the legs and I’m going to shut up now.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Could you scrape that knife a little to the left? I have a itch there so~ bad.”

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, this is dragging on for fucking ever...



To add to the horror, Pinkie's aim was thrown off by Dash's shaking and she ended up slicing Dash's back.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “There, you got it! Thanks.”

Crazy56U: ...but, her back is to the table, and I thought the braces were super tight…

If Rainbow is thrashing enough to expose her back, how has she not broken free yet?

Dark Angel: Because.



I swear that whenever the knife cut through Rainbow's skin, a burning pain started in the same areas on MY back!



Scarlet: And yet you didn’t have this symbiotic relationship with the cutie mark bit because the martians established a colony in Seattle in the year 1977.

Dark Angel: Honestly, that wouldn’t surprise me at this point.

NaturalGlitch: Well, according to Equestria Girls, the cutie mark for them is below one eye, so I’m hoping his face fell off and he hasn’t noticed yet.

Crazy56U: So, whenever Rainbow feels pain, you do? ...are you fucking ripping off the climax of NES Godzilla Creepypasta?

Topher: They made a Creepypasta of NES Godzilla?

Crazy56U: Ding.



Eventually, Pinkie sighed frustratedly and walked off screen.



NaturalGlitch: Even the characters think this is boring.

Crazy56U: And thus, my riff about Pinkie leaving to contact her agent is all the more accurate...



I silently hoped that she gave up and nearly screamed when she came back on, a saw in her hand!



NaturalGlitch: ... (crashes face with a wall) Ow. Again.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Equestria Girls.



"Hey, why do they call it a hacksaw anyway?" she asked, as she started sawing through the bone.



Scarlet: Good question, Pinkie! Actually there is no clear answer, although it may have to do with the fact that to “hack” something is to roughly cut it, and hacksaws are made to saw through thick and rough material and oh god I’m talking about the etymology of saws instead of reading this fic is killing me why.

Crazy56U: Ahem: “It’s not clear exactly how a hacksaw got its name. The word ‘hack’ refers to a rough cut or blow, however a hacksaw is capable of cutting very neatly. It could be taken from the Middle English phrase: ‘hagge-saue’, which means to cut or chop.”



A realistic grinding sound erupted from the TV speakers,



NaturalGlitch: A HYPER-realistic one?! Come on, author, I know you want to say it, so say it!

Crazy56U: I think I know where that grinding sound is coming from:



Dark Angel: Without that GIF, that comment would’ve left me with bad images.



accompanying a wailing Dash. Pinkie finished sawing through the bone and sliced through the other, as I watched.



Something: *continuing to ignore the fic, listening to Nightwish*

Scarlet: Eh, screw it. I’m right there with you. Anyone up for some Birthday Massacre?

NaturalGlitch: I don’t know what that is, but I want to be included.

Crazy56U: (blasts “Toy Soldiers” on a boombox) Step by step… Heart to heart…

Scarlet: A better use of all our time than this fanfic.



I couldn't decide who was experiencing the most torture: Dash for going through this, or me for watching it.



Dark Angel: How about option C, us for having to read this shittypasta.

Crazy56U: D) All of the above.



It was only a cartoon, but tears welled in my eyes as the camera gave a full view of the realistically bleeding,



Scarlet: Foul! You just said there was no hyper-realistic blood!

NaturalGlitch: “This is more horrible than my Mom dying! How was I supposed to know the gun was loaded?!”

Crazy56U: Knew it, he couldn’t resist using that chestnut...



crying Dash, weakly strugging against her bonds. Blood dripped on the stone floor, making dripping sounds so clear, I briefly looked around my room for anything dripping,



NaturalGlitch: Because of how hyper-realistic it was, right?! Say it! SAY IT!

Crazy56U: DO IT!



before my eyes were once again drawn to the screen.



Something: *starts drawing on the fic*

Scarlet: Make a bunny rabbit!

Lord Shaxx: Make a hidden trap door to the unknown depths below!

RingmasterJ5: Thanks for reminding me I could be playing Rebirth instead of reading this.

Crazy56U: Black out all of the text so this will end.



For everyone waiting for creepypasta elements, something was determined not to disappoint,



Scarlet: Suddenly, the author realizes he forgot to add original content.

Dark Angel: I’m pretty sure that the narrations aren’t supposed to acknowledge that this is a creepypasta.

NaturalGlitch: You’re admitting this is a creepypasta while in a creepypasta. Do you know how stupid that sounds?

Crazy56U: Please, as if the author was self-aware...



because 5 seconds later, the screen started to get...weird.



NaturalGlitch: “There was bubbling flesh covering my screen, with an attractive slit in the middle. I wanted to put my hand inside it.”

Crazy56U: “It was as if someone smeared Vaseline on the lens…”



You know with older TVs and antenna, where if it was storming the picture would be affected? That's what happened here.



Scarlet: Unfortunately his idea of original was to steal gimmicks from Slender.

NaturalGlitch: (nerd glasses appeared on his nose) Excuse me, his real name is Slenderman, and—(a barrage of fists connects with his face) Ouchies.

Crazy56U: Wait, does this mean you have an analog TV? ...how are you getting the Hub?!

Topher: It’s not the Hub, it’s SATAN!

Dark Angel: I thought it was Adult Swim.



As Pinkie placed the wings on the cart, the screen began to fade into static. But how could that happen?



NaturalGlitch: Because you’re ripping off several things at once and your reality is being compromised?

Crazy56U: Because you have a shit TV?

Dark Angel: Because Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy is still sometimes considered to be part of the Zordon era?

Scarlet: ...I’m sorry, don’t you normally call the rest of us out on the dork thing rather than otherwise?



I have cable and an HDTV.



Crazy56U: ...THEN WHY ARE YOU GETTING STATIC?!



Blocky, maybe, but not static!



Scarlet: Yes that is clearly the most disturbing thing happening to you right now.

Dark Angel: Oh the horror! Bad picture quality!

Crazy56U: Static that you should NOT BE GETTING, WHAT THE FUCK!



Making things creepier than they already were(!),



NaturalGlitch: Thanks for telling me how to feel.

Crazy56U: Zero times anything is still ZERO, you FUCK!



the sound that normally accompanies static was absent, the dripping and soft crying, with humming from Pinkie eventually joining in, continuing through the speakers.



NaturalGlitch: “Oh, silly me. It was just the weird animal I found in the meteorite doing all this.”

Crazy56U: (glances at iPhone to check the time)



It completely faded into static a few seconds later, so all I saw was white snow.



Something: But it’s not Christmas yet (as of the time of this writing)!

Crazy56U: And now I want to read Silent Snow, Secret Snow. Thanks…

Dark Angel: And now I want to read Silent Ponyville.



What I HEARD, however, pierced my eardrums like hot needles!



NaturalGlitch: He must’ve heard some brony-made music.

Crazy56U: Worse.

Dark Angel: Hold on while I go find where my eardrums were blown out to.



A pounding noise like a hammer came through the speakers, the sound of snapping bones and Dash's painful screams after each blow joing the symphony of pain.



Scarlet: Insert Skrillex joke here.

Crazy56U: ‘k.



Then it stopped. The screen was still snow, but I heard Pinkie grab something off the cart. "NO! PLEASE!" Dash screamed,



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Not the cider! It didn’t do anything wrong!”

Crazy56U: She speaks for all of us.

Dark Angel: The only way we’ll get through this shittypasta without sanity intact… well… get through this shittypasta is if we have booze!



before the symphony began again. Whatever monster created this decided at that point to tease me by rapidly switching between the picture and static,



Scarlet: Well at least the author is torturing himself as well as us.

Dark Angel: Of course we’re being tortured for much different reasons.

NaturalGlitch: “I later found out it was my invisible friend playing with the other remote.”

Crazy56U: If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that the TV is trying to put itself out of its misery.



letting me watch as my favorite pony, grinning widely, hammered nails into the thrashing Dash's hooves.



Scarlet: [Rainbow Dash] “Oh god the p- wait a minute, those are hard, solid blocks of keratin.”

Crazy56U: The Passion of the Dash



Several seconds of static followed,



NaturalGlitch: “—when Rainbow’s wings regenerated back.”

Crazy56U: And, for some reason, Pinkie and Rainbow had switched positions...



before the picture cleared up enough to see Pinkie standing by a small generator. She winked at the screen and pulled the switch.



Scarlet: *insert Looney Tunes outro here*

Crazy56U: Boom.



The camera changed back to Dash, who started to flail stiffly.



NaturalGlitch: “So did I, if you know what I mean.”

Dark Angel: Now those images are gonna give me nightmares.

Crazy56U: Pinkie was trying to replicate the Morty dome; unfortunately, while she had the jumper cable, she lacked the four additional Rainbows to truly replicate it...



I could see the wires wrapped around the embedded nails as she screamed a scream that nobody should EVER hear.



Something: Suddenly, Coal Chamber started playing through his speakers.

Crazy56U: “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!”



Then the screen acted up again, the picture wobbling like an old, decaying video tape,



Scarlet: Doing what now?

Crazy56U: They couldn’t afford to use high-quality cameras, so they cribbed one from the 1980s.



but the picture still remained clear enough to show the camera alternate between the frying Dash on the table,



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Now to find out if you really do taste like skittles!” [Dash] “You’re messed up.”

Crazy56U: Which, funnily enough, smelt like fried Mike and Ikes...



and Pinkie, who was giggling and dancing excitedly in place by the generator. "TURN IT OFF!" I screamed. "PLEASE TURN IT OFF!"



Scarlet: “This episode has terrible production values! Seriously your footage isn’t even well-edited!”

Dark Angel: Are you talking about the episode he’s watching, or the fanfic itself?

NaturalGlitch: “The voice came from my second elbow. The cute little thing was always the brains of the outfit.”

Crazy56U: Or, you know, you could turn it off. “it” being the TV, like you KEPT TRYING TO DO, DUMBASS!



All my attention focused towards my finger,



NaturalGlitch: I’m scared to know where he’s going to put that.

Crazy56U: The middle one.



hovering only a quarter inch above the power button on the remote. But no matter how much I concentrated, my finger wouldn't move!



Scarlet: “My other hand was useless, as was every other part of my body, because I can’t remember why.”

NaturalGlitch: “I lost even more control of my bowels, but that was perfectly normal.”

Crazy56U: DO IT!!!



Every muscle in my body was as paralyzed as Dash's were, the only difference being the pain I felt was from sympathy, not electrocution.



NaturalGlitch: Is this going to be like Blood Whistle? Please say no.

Crazy56U: Damn it, stop mixing up your pastas, Narrator, it’s not that hard!



What made some psycho decide to make this cartoon? No sane person could have been involved! It was driving ME insane, and I couldn't even turn off the TV!



Something: Is this gonna become a Shocker crossover? I can get behind this fic if that happens.

Crazy56U: JUST GO. FOR. THE PLUG!



Afer what seemed like hours,



NaturalGlitch: Yeah, tell us about it.

Crazy56U: (checks iPhone clock) ...yeah, that’s actually a reasonable estimate...



the picture slowly readjusted itself and returned to normal. Pinkie turned off the generator and walked offscreen toward Dash.



NaturalGlitch: “Why can’t the camera keep Pinkie onscreen?!”

Crazy56U: It seems that the camerapony is still drunk as fuck…

Dark Angel: *takes a drink of rum* Well, he’s gotta get through this shittypasta somehow.



When the camera switched to Rainbow Dash, I nearly cried.



Scarlet: Dude, I know she’s abrasive in some episodes but that’s a pretty harsh judgment.

Crazy56U: Yeah, dude, the fuck is your deal?



Her blue skin was horribly burnt,



NaturalGlitch: Blue...skin? Seriously, dude?

Crazy56U: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Dark Angel: *bangs head against wall*



areas of her body actually blackened from the electricity. Her face was twisted in pain and delirium, her toungue hanging out of her mouth ad her eyes crossed in a way that can not be possible voluntarily!



Scarlet: Eh. She’s fine.

Dark Angel: Just dye her coat gray and mane and tail blonde and you can pass her off as Derpy.



The blood from her wing stumps and cutie mark areas poured out faster, pooling on the floor.



NaturalGlitch: “Now Pinkie started to walk the dinosaur!”

Crazy56U: Shouldn’t Rainbow have bled out by now?



Pinkie walked onscreen and stood in front of Dash, standing in a puddle of Dash's fluids.



Something: All you’d have to do is replace a couple of words in each sentence and this could become some weird BDSM fic.

Dark Angel: As if it’s not weird enough as it is.

Scarlet: I’m pretty sure that’s already on FimFic. By at least two different authors.

NaturalGlitch: There’s an entire sub-section devoted specifically on BDSM. I’m thinking there’s more than two authors.

Crazy56U: And if you flip two words around, it becomes a weird Rainbow Factory BSDM fic.



"Daaaasssshhh... Dash, time to wake up..." Pinkie said in a sing-song tone. All Dash was able to give was a gutteral moan.



Scarlet: See? What did I tell you? Perfectly fine! And I just realized but where did Pinkie get a generator from in Equestria, we don’t even know how electricity works in this show and I what.

NaturalGlitch: Um… (scratches head) ...maybe she has Zap Apples in the generator? I dunno.

Crazy56U: Magic. It’s powered by magic. If it isn’t pony-operated, it’s powered by magic.



"Good, now for the last step." Pinkie said,



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I will now sew you back together!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “(pulls out a salt shaker) Add a pinch of salt!”



as I saw her take a hypodermic needle off the cart and walk behind Dash. Only a second later, There was a groan of pain from Dash as her hips suddenly thrust forward for a split-second.



Scarlet: You put your hips in! You put your hips out! You put your hips in, and you shake ‘em all about!

NaturalGlitch: Slide to the left! Slide to the right! Criss-cross!

Crazy56U: It’s just a jump to the left… And a step to the right!



Her face slowly returned to normal as Pinkie walked back in front of her. "In a few minutes, you won't be able to feel anything below your ribcage.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “You didn’t use the needle before because...? And how did you even get that?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Pinkie, I’ve all but blacked out from shock already… I can’t feel much of anything…”

Dark Angel: Unfortunately, we can’t say the same.



Then you can stay awake for the harvest!" Apparently, Dash got her voice back, because she was able to croak out "Pinkie... I want to go home..."



Scarlet: Sorry, Dash. We’re all contractually obligated to see this riff to the end.

Dark Angel: This is why I regret not reading the fine print.

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Shhh… Just one more scene, and we can all go home…”



Pinkie told her she understood. She sometimes wanted to just give up and leave, but this was her job Sand she couldn't just stop responsibility.



NaturalGlitch: Some bronies think this in-character for Pinkie. I now want to drink bleach.

Crazy56U: (pulls out some cough syrup) All I have is this, do you want it?



Dash began crying. She looked so pitiful and hurt, her wings and cutie marks gone, and her blue skin burnt to a crisp.



NaturalGlitch: It’s not skin and not fur! It’s hair! Hair! How do you not know this?

Crazy56U: She’s hairy noon and night, come on!



Her voice had pure pain and fear in it as tears streamed down her face.



Something: I feel nothing at the moment.

Scarlet: Other than boredom, you mean?

Dark Angel: Well, the feeling of nothing is from the boredom numbing our minds.

NaturalGlitch: It’s probably because the author is telling us how to feel.

Crazy56U: (chugs cough syrup)



I couldn't help it. My eyes blurred with tears and I started to cry with her. Pinkie... How could you? You were my favorite pony...



Something: Just play that Simple Plan song and get it over with.

NaturalGlitch: I’d mock this dude for thinking Pinkie would actually do this, but there are legitimate bronies, which are scared to death of Pinkie because of this fic. I call them “stupid.”

Crazy56U: Well, buddy, had you Googled “Cupcakes” before deciding to take part in this, maybe you could’ve been prepared for this...



The camera focused on the weeping Dash for several minutes, as she and I wept together, her in pain, me in sympathy,



NaturalGlitch: If your head isn’t dunked into the toilets at school, then someone isn’t doing their job.

Crazy56U: And me in boredom. (sniff)



while whatever monster Pinkie had become stood back and smiled. "That's long enough."



Scarlet: I said that to myself about halfway up the fic.

Dark Angel: You managed to make it that far before saying that?

Crazy56U: If that’s the case, Pinkie, then why is there still more story?



Pinkie finally said, grabbing the scalpel off the cart. NOTHING that had happened so far could have prepared me for what she did next.



NaturalGlitch: What—she became in-character for real?

Crazy56U: No, she slices opens Rainbow’s chest. Even had I not read “Cupcakes” before this riff, I would still know this was going to happen. Because the author is a lazy fuckwad.



She used the blade to cut above and below her stomach, then made a cut to join them.



Scarlet: Wait this weirds you out and not the amputation, electrocution, or- seriously dude, I was kidding about the masturbation.

Crazy56U: She made an I, for Icky.



The door she made opened up and Dash's organs poured out of the Dash and I stopped crying and stared in horror.



NaturalGlitch: “I was suddenly very hungry.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Pinkie, not cool, I just finished organizing those…”



I wanted to throw up, and I'm sure she did too, but neither of us did.



Scarlet: Yeah, kinda difficult without a stomach. Here, have a spare! *offers one to the narrator*

Dark Angel: You misunderstand. He’s not missing a stomach. He’s missing a brain.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a pancreas) Here Author, have something just as worthless as yourself!



Neither of us could... Pinkie grabbed Dash's large intestine, cut it out of her, and laughed like it was some kind of game!



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “100 points for me!”

Crazy56U: Pinkie mixed up her meds, and thought this was Surgeon Simulator...



"Oh, look at this beautiful scarf. You think Rarity would be jealous?" She wrapped it around her neck and paraded around! Dash was starting to fade. I could see it on her face...



Something: If I was someone who took bad fanfic seriously, I would point out that the amount of blood Dash had lost would have killed her about ten hours ago or however long this pile of used condoms has taken.

Scarlet: I’d point out that Cupcakes had very deliberate pacing to make reading this bit intensely uncomfortable, and this has very deliberate pacing to make the reader fall halfway asleep.

Dark Angel: This shittypasta does make the readers uncomfortable. Just not in the same way the original fic did.

NaturalGlitch: But the original fic was a snooze-fest of torture porn. At least this is over quicker.

Crazy56U: Rainbow was beginning to fade out of existence. Someone went back in time to prevent Rainbow’s parents from meeting, this just became Back to the Future: Saw Edition.



The rest went quickly, but not fast enough...



Crazy56U: FUCK. YOU.



Pinkie started cutting and pulling almost every organ in Dash's body out through the hole she made,



NaturalGlitch: “Even a few extra ones!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “(pulls out Gummy) ...okay, I’m confused…”



making JOKES as she did! I tried to tune out what was going on, but I remember she said "the jokes are getting BLADDER."



RingmasterJ5: The way this scene is written I can only imagine it as a Surgeon Simulator level where she’s grabbing them and flinging them away in random directions.

Crazy56U: Like a wet paper towel, am I right?

Scarlet: To be fair, that’s very Pinkie.

NaturalGlitch: The puns are slowly killing me.



My stomach lurched, but nothing came out,



NaturalGlitch: “Except for hotdogs, ramen noodles and...my cat?!”

Crazy56U: “Except for my stomach. It had enough of me and my bullshit and was leaving.”

Dark Angel: [Stomach] “So where did the brain say he went again?”



even though I wanted to do something, ANYTHING, to get my mind off this sick cartoon! Wet ripping sounds filled the speakers with every organ pulled, tearing through whatever was keeping me sane!



NaturalGlitch: Quick! Maybe you should go the Sonic.EXE Round 2 route and play a game to keep your sanity in check!

Crazy56U: [Narrator] “You want me to play a Sonic.EXE game, the FUCK is wrong with you?!”



Eventually, Pinkie finished and grinned madly at the unconscious Dash.



Scarlet: Oh good, it’s actually almost to the point where she dies. Then we can wrap this story up and I can make some dinner.

Crazy56U: Pinkie is now Jeff the Killer, and now I wish I was dead.

Dark Angel: Go find Topher. I’m sure he’ll gladly oblige.



The cut in Dash's stomach was now a dark, empty hole,



Dark Angel: I think it just switched from Dash’s stomach to where the author’s brain should be.

Crazy56U: Pinkie accidentally created a black hole in Rainbow’s stomach.



which blood poured out of like a waterfall,



NaturalGlitch: And your brain is like a canyon.

Crazy56U: I’m not referencing “The Day of All the Blood”, again. ...namely because I refuse to believe Rainbow should even still have blood now...



turning the pool on the ground into a lake! After just standing there, giggling, Pinkie grabbed the needle again and jabbed it back into Dash, who slowly woke up.



Scarlet: Like there was so much blood, oh my god, just, blood everywhere, all the blood.

NaturalGlitch: ...how is Rainbow still alive? Oh, right, so fans of this wouldn’t lose their erections.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(mumble) five more minutes… (snore)”



Her blue skin was dangerously pale



Scarlet: Despite being burnt to a crisp.

Dark Angel: My comment earlier about making her look like Derpy was just supposed to be a joke.

NaturalGlitch: It’s not skin! We’ve seen what they look like under all the hair! AUGH—(a dart strikes his neck)—why do I feel so sleepy now?

Crazy56U: As it gets when you bleed out.



and I knew she'd soon bleed to death.



Scarlet: NO SHIT.

Crazy56U: As one would get when they bleed out.



Pinkie grabbed back up the scalpel and drove it into Dash's neck! "It was fun playing with you, Dash..." she said, as she traced the blade around Rainbow's jaw.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “I couldn’t find a board to play Charades on, so I’m using your jaw.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Steam broke for me, so I’ve been dying to play some Surgeon Simulator…”



Dash's eyes widened and her breathing intensified. The camera switched again, letting me see things from Dash's perspective.



NaturalGlitch: This is almost as boring as the source fic.

Crazy56U: Because heaven forbid we actually see Pinkie slice her throat open…

Scarlet: ...so, fun fact- the original story was a trollfic. No evidence that anything was going to happen other than Dash and Pinkie making cupcakes, surprise, it’s gorehound horror. It doesn’t work on repeat reads because of that, or on reads where you know the twist. I’m not saying Cupcakes was great, but god I respect it so much more than this shit.



A few seconds later, the camera started to fade, as Dash's breathing slowed. Finally, the screen went black, as Dash's final breath was heard.



Something: [Dash] “The cold… never bothered me… anyway...” (dies)

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Thank God I can stop being in this...”



I thought the nightmare was finally over.



NaturalGlitch: “That’s when I found out this piece of anal fungus had fan-sequels!”

Crazy56U: But, it isn’t, because there’s still more text...



I HOPED the nightmare was over! ...But, it wasn't. I still couldn't move! A minute later, the screen faded back in.



NaturalGlitch: “I had to pee so bad, but I couldn’t move!”

Crazy56U: Surprise, motherfucker!



My stomach lurched again and it felt like it would burst out of my chest with practically everything else in my body.



Scarlet: Oooh, Chestburster! Twist!

Crazy56U: Holy shit, I was joking about his stomach wanting out of this...



A headless, organless, wingless, cutiemarkless Dash reappeared, whatever fluids still in its body slowly dripping out of the chest cavity.



NaturalGlitch: “It was then I decided to become a butcher. I… have to.”

Crazy56U: ...eeeeeeeEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW...



It focused on the corpse for who knows how long, before slowly panning left.



Scarlet: Tell me they were playing some kind of fittingly ironic old song in the background.

Crazy56U: Ask and ye shall receive.



It scanned across the party scene, letting me see the sick, twisted decorations Pinkie had made, the "Life Is A Party" touching off the whole scene.



NaturalGlitch: Pinkie’s nostrils must’ve died or something. How has she not gagged from the smell?

Crazy56U: She does, actually. Whenever it mentions that Pinkie went offscreen, she’s actually gagging up a storm!



It stopped at the end of the table, showing Pinkie playing with the head of Rainbow Dash, the head's eyes still open on shock and horror.



NaturalGlitch: “Then, it winked.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Alas, poor Rainbow… I knew her, Gummy.”

[Gummy] “(blink)”



As the camera slowly zoomed in on her, Pinkie quietly sang the "Giggle at the Ghosties" song as she bounced the head on the table, making it look like a dance.



Scarlet: Not quite the song I was thinking of, but okay.

NaturalGlitch: And totally ill fitting, too.

Crazy56U: ...nah, I say “Ironic” fits better.



And then, after a minute, she stopped singing. "...Now..." she said, audibly. She paused, then spun her head toward the camera, staring at me with her wide, insane eyes.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “These aren’t insane eyes; these are googly glasses, silly author!” [author] “Oh, thank goodness—WAIT.”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Who are you? (pulls out a crossbow) Have you COME TO STEAL MY EYES?”



"WHO'S NEXT?" she shouted at such a volume, it felt like my eardrums would burst!



Scarlet: Fortunately, mobile fortresses have soundproofing technology.

Dark Angel: But does it have readproofing technology?

NaturalGlitch: All Pinkie has to say is: “Now go to sleep!”

Crazy56U: Pinkie, inside voices. Kay, thanks.

RJ: After that I wouldn’t mind listening to Baba O’Riley.



She smiled the most bonechilling smile I had ever seen, it growing wider and wider until she was LITERALLY grinning from ear to ear.



NaturalGlitch: HMM. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, right—because you’re a hack?

Crazy56U: ...okay, seriously, stop trying to be Jeff the Killer! Even the author of THAT tripe would hate this shit!



The screen faded out, her smile and eyes the last things to disappear.



Something: And then the most appropriate credits song of all time played.

Crazy56U: (woodenly) “Man, what a great movie, An Inconvenient Truth.”



The credits rolled as the ending theme music played. The episode was over. FINALLY OVER!



NaturalGlitch: “No friendship lesson that I will ignore?! What a jip!”

Crazy56U: It could’ve ended 18 times over by now had you simply turned off the TV, you wad.



I nearly cried with relief... but my muscles were still frozen!



Crazy56U: Rigor mortis set in.



I focused back on the credits. It played the normal things, producer, writer, animators, voice talents...



NaturalGlitch: “That’s when I realized these weren’t credits, but kredits! The boss fight wasn’t over at all!”

Crazy56U: “Even the Creepypastas that it ripped off!”



then it launched into a list of names I didn't recognize.



Scarlet: “Stolen from SergeantSprinkles.”

Crazy56U: “Guy Who Wears Suspenders – Jim Reardon”

Dark Angel: “Riffers unlucky enough to sit through this - Dark Angel, Crazy, Glitch, Scarlet…”



As I watched, I swore I saw my friend's name flash by in one of the frames. It continued to list off names for several minutes, then it ended on a large credit. My insides froze.



NaturalGlitch: This is like your 150th cold analogy. Maybe the heat shut down or something.

Crazy56U: Or, this takes place on Pluto...



It was MY name! The screen focused on it for longer than it had the other credits, then went black.



Something: Yep, this is totally a creepypasta. Still hate them.

Crazy56U: Gee, it’s almost as it if held on that name because you’re to blame for this...



The Hub faded back on and announced "Laverne and Shirley" was on next.



Scarlet: ...I giggled.

Dark Angel: Wasn’t it explained that this was Adult Swim?

Scarlet: I’m pretty sure I riffed something about Bebop, but no.

Crazy56U: Irony!



As I continued to stare i shcok,



Crazy56U: Because Spell Check is a myth.

RJ: Shcok: The sound a peacock make when it steps on a tack.



I noticed that I could FINALLY move again.



NaturalGlitch: That’s called sleep paralysis. This was all a nightmare. Go back to sleep. Ignore the corpse in your bed.

Crazy56U: “I noticed this because I fell off the bed and onto floor face first.”



I took advantage of it by turning off the TV, running to the bathroom, and throwing up everything in my stomach,



NaturalGlitch: “Even my lower intestine.”

Crazy56U: Including his stomach. It was finally free.



which had been trying to escape since the middle of whatever I had just seen.



Scarlet: *continues holding out that spare stomach from earlier*

Crazy56U: The stomach’s torment is finally over. Thank god.



WHAT WAS THAT? That was too well done for a joke,



NaturalGlitch: You know what is a joke? Everyone who was legitimately scared of Cupcakes.

Scarlet: It’s uncomfortable. Not scary, not in character, just uncomfortable. The story doesn’t work if your readers are comfortable! An explicit creepypasta presentation makes everything comfortable!

Crazy56U: Well, maybe it could work as a Daniel Tosh bit, but...



but it couldn't possibly be anything the studio released! NOBODY could have done something like that!



NaturalGlitch: I wish you were right, but considering…

Crazy56U: [Sergeant Sprinkles] “TA-DAAAAAAAAH!”



Breathing heavily in horror, I walked back to bed. I didn't sleep the rest of the night...



Something: “Or the next night. Or the next night. Or the next night. Eventually I died due to causes related to sleep deprivation.”

Crazy56U: Lies, he passed out five seconds after climbing into bed.



Later, at school lunch, I met up with my brony friend.



NaturalGlitch: “I hope I one say emulate his chin flaps.”

Crazy56U: “I punched him in the face.”



It didn't take a lot to see that he didn't get a lot of sleep last night either, and it only took a few questions to find out he had been through the same thing, watching the same episode at the same time!



Scarlet: Sooo, Ring rules or Lovecraft rules? Do they die horribly or just go mad with the knowledge? Place your bets!

NaturalGlitch: So...one villain-sue or the other villain-sue? I’ll go with… the guy has a mental illness and never had a brony friend.

Scarlet: ...wait, you count Yog-Sothoth and Nyarlathotep as characters? I mean I know Japan made a moe anime out of it but I’m pretty sure it’s contractually obligated for Japan to do that for everything.

Pateron.

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: He’s not actually at school. This is all a dream since he entered a Creepypasta-coma.



Apparently, he woke up in the middle of the night and decided to watch The Hub to get back to sleep,



NaturalGlitch: We all know that bronies don’t watch The Hub for anything but MLP. Don’t bullshit us.

Crazy56U: Why the Hub? Does the Internet not exist in this reality, what the fuck?



but ended up living the same nightmare. He pointed something out to me that I hadn't noticed: The cartoon had some sort of "grainy" effect to it, like it was being filmed with an older video camera.



Scarlet: Despite the high-quality animated blood, of course.

NaturalGlitch: If I was playing creepypasta bingo, I’d die from chucking the thing into my brain.

Crazy56U: (pumps fists) CALLED IT, THE CAMERA WAS SHIT!



All through lunch, we talked about the episode, discusing what it could have been and who could have made it, but we never got far in figuring it out.



NaturalGlitch: What could you possibly figure out while thinking for a whole ten minutes?

Crazy56U: You seriously think it took them ten minutes? That’s too generous for these two...



Eventually, somehow, we managed to laugh. It was the darkest thing we had ever seen, but it was only an episode. Just a cartoon. And it was all over.



Scarlet: no really I am totally convinced you are perfectly safe yes indeed of course.



When lunch was done, we went to our classes and thought about it no more. We thought the nightmare was over... but it's still going...



Something: “The next day we went to see Terminator: Genisys!”

Crazy56U: You know, I never saw that film, is it really that bad?



My friend disappeared last night.



NaturalGlitch: “He got lost in his room again.”

Crazy56U: Oh crap, it’s the Rapture!



His mom had noticed the sounds of the TV on in his room and had gone to tell him to turn it off... But he wasn't there.



Scarlet: no I’m totally shocked this is unexpected in the highest degree I am just amazed.

Crazy56U: Let me guess: “Cupcakes” reaired, Pinkie pulled him into the cartoon, and she murdered him?



He didn't take anything with him. The windows were locked. Nothing suggested kidnapping.



NaturalGlitch: “Not even this ransom note pinned to his love pillow. He wasn’t worth the ten bucks anyway.”

Crazy56U: I’m not hearing a no...



It was just as if he vanished into thin air. As soon as I heard, I did a quick search on the net of names I remembered from the list at the end of that episode.



NaturalGlitch: “I have a crystal clear intellect, so this was easy for me.”

Crazy56U: “Of course I remembered the entirety of that list; I have a pornographic memory.”



All were gone under the same circumstances, the first few disappearing the same night the episode aired, others vanishing in the nights following.



Something: Imagine the headline. “Fourteen Teenage Boys Across The Country Gone From Their Homes - The Only Connection Is A Shared Love Of My Little Pony”.

Scarlet: Fox News takes the opportunity to blame it all on the moral failings of the country, Pat Robertson blames the gays.

Crazy56U: BREAKING NEWS: Several children disappear after viewing “My Little Pony”! Researchers blame global warming!



I don't know who made the episode, but now I know why. Everyone who watches the episode will meet the same fate as Dash, locked in that bloody basement with the psycho disguised as my ex-favorite pony.



Something: Is it blasphemous to say that when I first started watching the show I fucking hated Pinkie with a passion?

Scarlet: No, but I’m going to hit you with a stick anyway. *thwack!*

NaturalGlitch: Can I have a turn when you’re done?

Crazy56U: (pumps fists) TECHNICALLY CALLED IT!



And I'm next...



Something: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

NaturalGlitch: Is there a way I can transfer this “episode” to other people? I can think of a few uses…

Crazy56U: GOOD.



THE END



Something: Well, that definitely was a time-waster. See you all… who knows when.

Scarlet: I am never trusting creepypasta to be stupid entertaining ever again. Spike the Dragon was incredible. It was a masterpiece. It actually had its own (terrible) original content. There were like… rag dolls. This was reading Cupcakes as interpreted through the lens of somebody who doesn’t understand anything about what Cupcakes was, how it worked, or why it was and still is kind of a big deal as a fandom artifact. I’m out, bros. Peace.

RingmasterJ5: See you all next week when we return with another extra-long part of The- wait a minute… holy shit. It’s the final part. Next week, although it’s going to be longer than usual… we’re finishing The Catch.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: You goddamn masochists. Voting for the 15K one-shot straight after the 13K multipart? I was sure everyone was going to be burnt out on anything really long after that, but… here we are. Scarlet, can you explain why you submitted this one?

Scarlet: Weirdly enough, because in a way I’ve already riffed it. My significant other is a much better-known personality on Fimfic than I am, and he and I tag-wrote a blog post explaining every detail of pain this story caused us. When I was made editor in this group, my first response was “I must share this with the world”.

RingmasterJ5: But at a glance it’s written much better than our usual fare, just what makes it so riffable?

Scarlet: Everything in this story is wrong. Everything. Pen Stroke can write very decent and sometimes even impressive prose, but his storytelling in this thing is outlandishly crazy. If you thought some of our previous one-shot offerings suffered severe tonal whiplash, you have seen nothing yet.

RingmasterJ5: Works for me. Without further ado, “The Enemy of My Enemy” by Pen Stroke.

Scarlet: And the first time I won’t be riffing blind! Hurray…?



The Enemy of My Enemy



Crazy56U: Is also my friend! HAH! ...wait, hold on, I think he meant to do that…

RJ: In this day and age, he’s the frenemy of the acquaintance you defriended on Facebook last year. I think.



By Pen Stroke



Crazy56U: Well, well, well… At last, we meet again… And with a story I skimmed

through...



Preread, Edited, and Reviewed By

Illustrious Q, El Oso, Obselescence



Scarlet: And you should all feel bad. All of you.

Crazy56U: Including the commas.

Dark Angel: And thanks to this, I will never use commas again, I promise… GODDAMNIT!



=====================================================================



RJ: And traffic’s backed aaaalllll the way to the interchange. You’ll be sitting there for quite a while.

Crazy56U: Well, it’s a good thing I don’t own a car...

Dark Angel: In the world that is riffing, you do not need to own a car to get stuck in traffic. It’s what puts the ‘fic’ in ‘traffic’.



“Then we have an understanding.”



Crazy56U: Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?

SC276: Say no more, say no more…

Dark Angel: Just promise me that I’m not part of this ‘understanding’.



Celestia sat in her seat with a posture that would make a mountain envious.



Crazy56U: Unless Celestia is currently ginormous, I doubt any mountains would be

envious right now…

Scarlet: [Everest] “My word! Her peak is so natural, and so void of explorers!”

Crazy56U: [Shatner] “...screw mountains, that horse is better.”

Dark Angel: Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s Kirk speaking… if you get what I mean.

Crazy56U: That Kirk would fuck a mountain? Well, duh, that’s what Shatner essentially states in that clip I linked. Here, have it in song!

Dark Angel: Technically I was saying that Kirk would fuck a pony. Then again, so would about 30% of the brony community.

Crazy56U: We’re both right, you know: Kirk would fuck anything...



She was a pillar of strength, with the sunset to her back.



Crazy56U: Well, Celestia is associated with the sun. What did you think was going to

be behind her back? Pumpkins?

Lord Shaxx: What pumpkin?

Crazy56U: (places a pumpkin on the table)

Dark Angel: So we’re getting ready for Halloween already?

Topher: I’d carve it for us, but SOME PEOPLE won’t let me near sharp objects.

Dark Angel: And for good reason. In fact, who let you have a spoon?

Topher: STAYAWAYFROMMYSPOONITSMINE!



Twilight and Luna sat to her left and right respectively, but neither could emanate the room commanding aura Celestia did.



Crazy56U: Little did they know that “Celestia” was actually Lucario wearing one of

those creepy pony costumes Pinkie owned.

Scarlet: Pokemon/Pony crossovers never seem to work as well as I feel like they should.



Yet, such a thing was necessary. What they were doing, the thing that brought them to the table, was one of national importance.



RJ: [Celestia] “… Roll for initiative.”

Lord Shaxx: [Chrysalis] “Five. No, eight. Yeah, eight.”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “And… it’s ‘Lick Touch’? ...aw, crap, I grabbed the wrong die again…”



They faced a dangerous threat, one that could not be solved by Twilight and her friends alone.



SC276: Poppycock.

Crazy56U: Monocle!

Dark Angel: That threat is in fact being written into a bad fic.



It was a threat that put the nation, perhaps the whole world, in great peril.



Crazy56U: (monotone) Insert Donald Trump joke here. ...meeeeh...



And such an enemy required a new alliance to be made.



Scarlet: And in about four paragraphs you will realize that none of the people working on this story know what an “alliance” actually entails.

Crazy56U: I highly doubt that, at least one person must’ve had a dictionary……

Dark Angel: Of course the one person working on this fic who does have a dictionary is most likely the one person who can’t read.

Topher: It’s changelings, isn’t it?

RJ: [Celestia] “I don’t think this is on the level.”

[Satan] “No no no, it’s completely fair to all.”



Celestia’s eyes remained transfixed on the far end of the table, where their new ally sat inspecting the final version of the treaty. Queen Chrysalis did not look happy,



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “It says in here you’re only sending two tributes each month, and that you reserve the right to take an equal number of changeling hostages. How am I supposed to drain your emotions dry I MEAN feed my people this way?”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “(grumble) I thought my agent got me out of this…”

Dark Angel: [Chrysalis] “I’m a queen. Shouldn’t that mean I outrank you three?”



and both sides had been horribly paranoid of sitting down in the same room. Either side could use the opportunity to spring a devastating trap.



Scarlet: Celestia’s whoopee-cushion collection was known throughout Equestria and beyond.

Crazy56U: The obligatory clip is on standby, just in case… You all know the one...



Chrysalis protested vehemently against any offer of negotiation, convinced the so-called threat was nothing more than a ruse to lure her someplace where she could be struck down.



Scarlet: Scarlet protested that some of these lines would work much better if dialogue were actually written out.

SC276: We already got enough of that coming up next week, for pete’s sake.

Crazy56U: With great vengeance and furious anger, the kind Samuel L. Jackson preaches about.



It seemed like the alliance would never manifest between ponies and changelings.



Lord Shaxx: Gee, the overthrowing of Celestia during a wedding doesn’t come to mind?

Crazy56U: Please, that was like 2 or 3 seasons ago at this point, that’s old news.



Yet, that all changed after the first attack.



Scarlet: Only the Elements of Harmony, masters of all friendship, could stop the threat. But when the world needed them most…

Crazy56U: (shakes fist towards the sky) DAMN IT FIRE NATION! AGAIN?!



When it became clear to Chrysalis the threat was real,



Crazy56U: Unlike those imaginary threats the news likes to create to stir the populace up.



and that her changelings were a target, her willingness to meet increased ten fold.



Scarlet: Given that it had been zero before, this meant absolutely nothing.

Dark Angel: Well technically, it was 0.000000007 before. But close enough.

Crazy56U: Aw crap, The Big Whatever is armed with bug spray!



“I find the terms acceptable.” Chrysalis spoke with a subtle hiss, as if the words left a foul, sour taste in her mouth.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “But I demand that I retain the rights to the movie version when this is all over.”

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “As long as you get a good actress to play my part, it’s a deal.”

Crazy56U: Eh, they’re better than the Apple’s Terms and Conditions, at least...



She set down the treaty in the middle of the table,



SC276: How long is this table again? I thought it was one of those ridiculous cartoon lengths a minute ago.

Lord Shaxx: Cartoon logic. ‘Nuff said,

Crazy56U: It was a tiny table. This meeting occurred during tea time.

Dark Angel: Technically, it is a ridiculous cartoon length. But the princesses and Chrysalis were sitting at the sides, so technically, it’s ridiculously wide, not long.



before looking up to meet Celestia’s gaze. Celestia knew few beings who could meet her gaze with such confidence,



Crazy56U: And even fewer beings who didn’t crap themselves in the process...



but at the moment Chrysalis sat with mental fortitude and resolve equal to Celestia’s.



Scarlet: The DM was forced to have them make a flat d20 tiebreaker roll.

Crazy56U: Little did Celestia know though was that Chrysalis had a stick of gum handy. She saw enough “Gravity Falls” to know what to do here...



“Then I shall bind this treaty with the agreed upon ancient magical pacts.



RJ: Two pints of Guinness. Each.

Crazy56U: And some appropriate music to go along with them.



Queen Chrysalis, please stand with me.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “And now sit down on that chair. Yes, good-” *whoopee cushion noise*

[Chrysalis] “CURSE YOUUUUUU-”

Crazy56U: That’s… not how the song goes, Celestia...



Chrysalis did as was requested, rising from her seat as Celestia did the same.



Crazy56U: She didn’t notice the guard quietly pulling the chair out from under her. As soon as she tries to sit down...



Twilight and Luna excused themselves from the table,



Crazy56U: They decided this meeting was stupid, so they went to take a smoke break.



taking a few steps back to ensure they would not get caught up in what was about to occur.



SC276: I love how they’re backing off after not actually doing anything.

Dark Angel: Well, they were only there for decorations after all.

Scarlet: [Twilight] “Uh-uh. I’ve had enough terrible shipfic for one day, and I regret even being a minor character in this one almost instantly.”

Crazy56U: They were backing up in case a fight broke out.

Topher: Hold up, this is a shipfic? Who’s being shipped? Oh, no…



They had wanted to sign the treaty as well, but Celestia convinced them otherwise. If something were to happen, she wanted Twilight, Luna, and the absent Cadance to be able to act even if she could not.



Scarlet: ...that is not how treaties work. Treaties are made with sovereign governments, not individuals. Is Celestia just offering personal legions? Is- gah, wrongness. Wrongness everywhere!

Dark Angel: Just turn off the logical part of your brain. That’s what I did when Bush got reelected.

SC276: Why are they even there then? Witnesses? Reaction guard if Chrysalis pulls anything?

Crazy56U: How much do you want to bet the “treaty” is written on a Burger King wrapper?



The guards, both pony and changeling, stepped back as well.



Crazy56U: Man, everyone’s anticipating a fight to break out…

Dark Angel: But of course that won’t happen. That would actually be interesting.



Everypony but Celestia and Chrysalis gave the meeting table as wide of a berth as possible. The two rulers began to call on their magic, intricate lines forming in the air between them.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “And do you swear to kill Albus D- damn it, who passed me the wrong script?”

[Celestia] “*whistling*”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Hey, check it, I can make a butterfly with these li-”

[Celestia] “Sign the damn Burger King wrapper, already.”



At first the lines were straight,



Crazy56U: Well, as far as they know; the lines had yet to come out of the closet...



like many sharp needles, but they then began to twist.



RJ: It’s spelling something… Eat…. At... Joe’s. … The hell?

SC276: Your arm must be possessed by a marketing team.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Chubby Checker.



As if caught in a whirlpool, the strands of magic were being drawn to the treaty.



Scarlet: Like we riffers, they felt the pull of the fic as if it were a black hole.

Lord Shaxx: With my last breath, I curse Pen Strokeghrglfgfhgl!

Crazy56U: Wait, I’ve seen “Zathura”, that means once we enter it, everything resets and the game ends!



“I, Princess Celestia of Equestria, she who bears the burden of the sun, do hereby swear to this treaty until the shadow of King Sombra has been defeated.



SC276: OK, so the threat is the return of King Sombra. That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Crazy56U: Well, it is Sombra. You really can’t blame the story for putting off mentioning it until now...



I swear this to you, Queen Chrysalis of Newland Hive.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “But I swear that even so, I shall reserve the right to prank you at every opportunity.”

Crazy56U: Newland? What, was Place not a good enough place for a changeling hive?!



The treaty began to rise from the table,



Crazy56U: And suddenly, this became “The Exorcist”...



and Celestia’s magic wove into the paper as the ink shimmered.



SC276: Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem… *smacks self in the face*

Crazy56U: Shit, I don’t know Latin, uh… Wubba Lubba Dub Dub? (shrug)

Scarlet: Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

Dark Angel: Sumus omnes futui!

Topher: SEMPER FIDELIS TYRANNOSAURUS!



“I, Queen Chrysalis of Newland Hive,



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “-and obviously the prettiest monarch in this room-”

Crazy56U: Still sounds like a fake place.



last changeling queen of this continent,



SC276: [Chrysalis] “-and fierce rival of the one on the next continent over-”

Crazy56U: “because I ate the previous queen”

Dark Angel: Nothing like a good breakfast to start the day.



do hereby swear to this treaty until the shadow of King Sombra has been defeated.



Crazy56U: And after the shadow is dealt with, then you can move on to Somba himself.

He took a page out of Ganondorf’s book.



I swear this to you, Princess Celestia of Equestria.”



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “And as for you, Princess Twilight- HA HA YOU SUCK.”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “And as for Princess Luna… eh, I don’t know, this is kinda my first time meeting you…”



The queen’s magic flowed into the treaty, joining with Celestia’s. Like fabric on a loom, their magic twisted, braided, and wove together with the treaty as the linchpin.



Scarlet: Unfortunately the braiding job was terrible and the stylist was forced to give Celestia a refund.

Crazy56U: ...can you braid Celestia’s mane? I mean, I know the comics have it as being actual hair, but...



Both of their signatures appeared on the scroll, cast in magic as the paper and ink shone with a metallic sheen.



Lord Shaxx: The ink promptly vanished. Lemon juice tends to do that.

SC276: [Ursula] “IT IS DONE!”

Scarlet: ARE YOU READY?

Crazy56U: Shing! Sparkle sparkle...



One final snap cut the air, and then the spell was complete. Chrysalis and Celestia’s magic dissipated like smoke,



SC276: *cough cough* Someone open a window!

Crazy56U: (wearing a gas mask) Why?

Dark Angel: (sniffs the air) Oh shit! That wasn’t a whoopie cushion!



and the treaty floated to the table. The moment it touched the wooden surface, a magical barrier surrounded it.



Scarlet: Followed by it being compressed, transformed into light, and sealed into a Pokeball.

Crazy56U: [Luna] “Aw, dammit it, I was aiming it at Chrysalis…”

[Chrysalis] “...I’m sorry?”



To the uninitiated, the barrier appeared thin and frail, but Celestia knew better.



Crazy56U: The barrier’s been eating its Wheaties, it can fuck you up...



She doubted even the combined strength of herself, Luna, Discord, and Chrysalis could hope to crack the spell.



Scarlet: ...so we aren’t using this to protect the realm from Sombra because…?

SC276: But it’ll fold like paper once they add Twilight into the mix.

Topher: That pretty much how most Equestrian obstacles are dealt with.

Crazy56U: Now, if they had Cadance here, it would’ve been even more awesome, but...



It was magic older than most of Equestria’s written history.



Scarlet: The magic of plot convenience!

Crazy56U: OR the magic of plot holes… Either or, really…

Dark Angel: Yeah… they’re often the same thing anyway.



“Well, now that we’re all nice new friends, I have a question,” Chrysalis said with false giddiness. Celestia could see Twilight bristle, taking the words as an insult against the power of friendship.



Scarlet: Because with her sister-in-law’s kidnapper in the same room that is the number one thing that Twilight is concerned with at this moment.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(horn glowing) How DARE you ask things?! DIE! (ZAP)”

Dark Angel: After all, asking things will often result in questions being answered…or ignored. Either/or.



Still, Twilight did not interrupt as Chrysalis continued. “Would one of you care to tell me how King Sombra, who you supposedly defeated, is commanding an army of crystalline dragons to assault my changelings?”



SC276: That is a really good question, actually.

Dark Angel: To be honest, I thought Sombra was defeated too easily.

Lord Shaxx: Red and Green with a splash of Black. I wonder what Lands he’s running?

Scarlet: “Dragons of Tarkir” had some unexpected fallout.

Crazy56U: I’m sorry, what dragons?

Dark Angel: Is it just me, or does it feel like this riff started in the middle of the fanfic?



Luna returned to the table, her brow furrowed. “He’s not just attacking you.”



Scarlet: [Luna] “He took Multi-Attack as a feat, so he’s been using his bonus action to continually throw spears at us.”

Crazy56U: He’s also attacking Canada...



“But we have learned more about the situation,” Celestia said, interrupting her sister before any aggression could take root in the conversation. “Twilight, would you please share your report?”



Lord Shaxx: [Twilight] Let me leave this fic, then I will.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Here. (passes some papers)”

[Celestia] “...Twilight, this is just a bunch of doodles. ...of hamsters, of all

things…”



Twilight grudgingly nodded, retaking her seat at the table as she began to cast her magic out, forming images in the air.



SC276: What is with Twilight being a magic film projector in these fics?

Scarlet: Not the main character and too powerful to be easily dealt with by the narrative, so she gets assigned exposition to make it look like she’s accomplishing things.

Crazy56U: Plus they couldn’t be bothered to spring for an actual projector.

Dark Angel: Well technically, it is canon.



The guards around the room retook their original positions as well, their eyes all focused on the purple magic floating above the freshly signed treaty.



Lord Shaxx: Except for a single pair of guards, who managed to sneak out of the story.

Crazy56U: They knew in advance where this story was going, so they just bailed and

ran for the hills…

Dark Angel: …among other things they wanted to be alone for, if ya know what I mean.



“We have ascertained how King Sombra returned. His horn managed to survive the revival of the Crystal Heart,



SC276: Can we get a continuity nerd to verify this as a possibility? Also, that horn really gets places, when you think about it.

Crazy56U: In order: A) trust me, it is a possibility, B) thanks for the bad mental image, pal...



and was flung deep into the northern mountains.



Crazy56U: And now to defeat the evil villain once and for all by throwing him

carelessly in a random direction!



There, it was found by a dragon, who sensed the magic within and took the horn for her hoard.



Scarlet: Dragons have no capacity for critical thought.

SC276: Judging from some of the Spike-focused episodes, clearly.

Crazy56U: I’d argue with you on this… but, then again, “Princess Spike”...

Dark Angel: In Spike’s defense, and honestly, this bothers me about the fandom, people in the fandom often expect too much out of spike. But the truth is that Spike is only a child. The show is in fact portraying him correctly for his age.



This is all we know for certain after speaking with some of the dragons Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy intercepted as they were fleeing south, but I do have a number of working theories on what occurred after that.”



Scarlet: Can we read about Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash chasing dragons instead? No? Thanks, Pen Stroke, thanks.

Crazy56U: [Pen Stroke] “No problem, friend! :D”



~~~



RJ: [Twilight] “I don’t want to say it was the the tildes…. But it was tildes.”



The Crystal Empire became the focus of Sombra’s assaults, either because of his obsession, its position close to the northern mountains, or some combination of the two.



SC276: Gee, Sombra attacking the Crystal Empire. Real inspired plot so far.

Crazy56U: Well, it is Sombra; he’s one-note like that…

Dark Angel: Unless it’s in the comics somewhere, Sombra has absolutely no personality traits. Sombra’s motives may not be inspired, but Pen Stroke doesn’t really have much to go by. If anything, Pen Stroke gave a better explanation for Sombra’s motives than the show itself did.



The crystal dragons attacked the empire on a near daily basis. Celestia had feared the empire would have to be evacuated.



Lord Shaxx: Wait, they didn’t already? So hundreds of families are still in there, trapped by a shield, which happens to be controlled by known enemies of Equestria, waiting for an unknown number of crystalline draconic constructs to bust through and kill them all? Brilliant idea, Sunbutt.

Scarlet: Actually, better question: Where’s the Crystal Heart during all this? Shouldn’t

their issues be over five seconds ago?

Crazy56U: Cadance pawned it off for beer money. Duh.

Dark Angel: I guess she needs something to get her mind off of her husband’s inabilities in bed.



The alliance with Chrysalis, however, provided the defense the empire so desperately needed. Using the Crystal Heart as a power source, Chrysalis’s changelings were able to construct a consistent, sustainable barrier, a barrier that Shining or Cadance could reinforce when needed with their own magic.



Scarlet: So… pretty much just the usual shield spell that Shining and Cadance can cast with the Crystal Heart then.

Lord Shaxx: Think of it this way: More bug batteries to power the shield, rather than a single alicorn princess. Logical, I know.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, they’re ripping off “The Matrix”...

Dark Angel: Well, they already ripped off Harry Potter.



Despite the aid from the changelings, Cadance and Shining were still understandably cautious of the queen and her motives.



Scarlet: Suspicious? I kind of expected Shining Armor to lock himself in his room while Cadance prepared to rain magical death on Chryssy.

SC276: [Cadance] “You stay away from my husband, you hussy.”

Crazy56U: They are probably wishing they brought some bug spray, just to see what would happen to Chrysalis...



It was a sentiment that Celestia was hoping to ease. She and Chrysalis had just arrived in the empire, coming to inspect the front line and to speak with Shining and Cadance at length about the situation.



Scarlet: They had not been invited to the signing of the treaty because-

Topher: Because Chrysalis fucked Shining.

Crazy56U: Because they would’ve killed Chrysalis on the spot, thus ending the story on the spot. And we can’t have that, now can we?



The trip had been spent in almost complete silence, she and Chrysalis choosing to look out different sides of her royal chariot instead of trying to make any painful small talk.



Lord Shaxx: The DM was not happy.

Topher: [Chrysalis] “So… remember that time I crashed Cadence’s wedding and stuck you in a cocoon? Good times.”

Crazy56U: [Shining] “...so… (cough) ...apparently, crystal dragons exist now…”



They were in no way friends.



Topher: The narrator is definitely not pointing this out so it will make the bond they form seem more unlikely.

Crazy56U: So, no one told them life was gonna be this way. (claps four times)



Celestia still remembered in crisp detail



Crazy56U: Her brain being part crisper drawer and all.



the changeling attack on Canterlot, but for the moment she knew she could trust Chrysalis. The magical treaty they had signed ensured that much.



Scarlet: It had very strict “no-takesy-backsies” clauses and was the magical equivalent of a Pinkie Pie promise.

Crazy56U: After all, it was written on a Burger King wrapper, so you know it’s legit!

Dark Angel: And no ordinary Burger King burger wrapper either. It was a Whopper wrapper.



Celestia stepped down from the chariot first. She stretched from the long trip, looked up at the Crystal Palace, then looked down to the Crystal Heart. Shaped and sculpted changeling goo tightly hugged the twin spikes the heart floated between.



Scarlet: Um. Why is that there. How is that there. Why is the heart not obliterating it?

Lord Shaxx: [Science Woona] Changeling Goo + Love = Changeling Glue

Crazy56U: (chokes back puke) What do they mean exactly by “changeling goo”?



They pulsed with energy like a heartbeat, and each pulse was carried along lines of goo to the outer edges of the empire.



Scarlet: Doesn’t it do that normally?

Crazy56U: The pulsing thing or the goo thing?



There the army maintained the strange, magical constructs of changeling goo which projected the green-hued shield above the city.



Scarlet: So Chrysalis’s entire contribution to the defense was apparently building turrets. Celestia, do you know nothing of siege warfare?

Lord Shaxx: She constructed additional pylons. Very, very essential.

Crazy56U: Heh, I kinda thought Chrysalis would be more into spawning Overlords...

Topher: Changelings using their slime to build magic-based tech? Can we get a fic about this please? This actually seems like a cool idea.

Dark Angel: I agree… assuming I don’t have to touch any of it. (holds back a gag)



It was a shield composed of numerous, interlocking hexagons, a stark contrast to the smooth, round shield spells of Equestria.



Lord Shaxx: The World is corrupted by stupid Bugs. Someone call Kite and Black Rose.

Scarlet: Ha! I got that one!

Crazy56U: Ha! I didn’t...



“It’s a shame this place wasn’t around before Shining and Cadance’s wedding. That Crystal Heart is such a delicious little power source.”



Scarlet: The last time magical love from the two ponies who use that thing contacted you, you got magically punched into the horizon.

Lord Shaxx: Looks like Team Changeling is blasting off again!

Crazy56U: And they were soaring, flying, to who fucking knows where!



Celestia rolled her eyes, knowing Chrysalis couldn’t see her face. The changeling queen always seemed to have a cutting comment, an antagonizing jab, or passive-aggressive phrase she’d lay out.



SC276: Hey, she’s doing our job! Quit doing our job!

Scarlet: She’d lay it out and ask for commentary before revising it several times and submitting the final draft to Celestia, confident in her bitchiness.

Crazy56U: ...so, she was acting like most ponies, then?



It was a sign of her ever-present discontentment with the treaty. After the initial dragon attack, the changelings seemed largely ignored.



Scarlet: Um. Why did you sign it, then? If you got literally no advantage from this arrangement or troop contributions from Equestria, why ally with them? That’s not how allying is supposed to work!

SC276: Why’d Sombra even attack the changelings in the first place? What’ve they ever done to him? If he and Chrysalis or a previous queen were jilted lovers, I could understand that, but as it stands, it’s pretty much just so they could have Celestia and Chrysalis in prolonged contact without immediately killing each other.

Crazy56U: Are we sure Sombra isn’t just attacking the changelings out of boredom? Because boredom’s my guess...



Their central hive was also in the far south, putting them a great distance from the danger. Those factors combined to make Chrysalis less and less interested in maintaining peaceful relations.



Lord Shaxx: And then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Literally.

Crazy56U: (to the sky) A third time? REALLY?!?! (shakes fist towards the sky)



Once more, Celestia felt her choice of binding the treaty with magic was wise. Otherwise, Chrysalis may have already made good on some of her idle threats.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I will hum the entirety of ninety-nine bottles of beer. Again.”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “I will pee on everything you love.”



“Yes, I suppose it is, but only when the crystal ponies carry hope and light in their hearts,” Celestia commented as Chrysalis came up beside her.



SC276: Ah, I get it. It needs the changeling reinforcement because the crystal ponies have already written off this plot as hopeless.

Scarlet: If only this fic were so meta.

Crazy56U: Well, then that’s why it has us.



She could see it in the queen’s eyes; she was contemplating just what she could do with such a powerful relic.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I could use the overflowing wave of hope and light to obliterate this entire story! We’d be free!”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “We could pawn it off for beer money… It would make this all the more bearable…”

Dark Angel: I like Crazy’s idea better. (takes a drink)



“It speaks volumes to Princess Cadance and Prince Shining’s leadership that they’ve been able to keep that hope alive despite the near daily attacks.”



SC276: ...I prefer my theory.

Crazy56U: ...same...



“Yes, yes, all credit to the loving couple. Speaking of them, I thought they were supposed to meet us?”



Scarlet: Given Shining Armor doesn’t meet his own sister at the station, I’d be shocked if he found time to sally forth and pick up the person who flash-fried his brain.



“Well, we thought we were just going to be meeting Princess Celestia.”



SC276: No one thought to call ahead of time for something like her effective arch-nemesis being in an Enemy Mine with them right now?

Crazy56U: They tried calling ahead, but they kept getting the answering machine, so they decided “Fuck it”.

Dark Angel: That sounds like what I wanna say.



Chrysalis and Celestia turned their heads to the left, seeing Shining and Cadance stepping around one of the castle’s four crystalline supports.



Scarlet: Then they turned their heads to the right. Then they put their right hoof in, and put their right hoof out.

SC276: ~You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around…~

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, they turned their heads so fast, they managed to snap their own necks. THE END

Dark Angel: I’m confused. Why’d you say that ending this fic would be unfortunate?

Crazy56U: Because.



They were walking close, shoulder to shoulder. Celestia saw the strength of their love and their desire to support one another in a situation neither would enjoy.



Scarlet: What, they’re pitching in on the next Mykan riff?

Topher: She could especially see the strength of their love between Shining’s legs.

Crazy56U: Ew.



Chrysalis must have seen something else, because a small chuckle escaped her lips.



SC276: Apparently, their love is leaking.

Topher: Especially between Cadance’s legs.

Crazy56U: Ew.

Dark Angel: Wait, do Changelings even have lips? And for that matter, do ponies?



It was a chuckle befitting someone who was watching a child trying to be intimidating and succeeding only in being cute and harmless.



Scarlet: The word you’re looking for is “condescending”. Say it with me, kids! “Con-de-scen-ding”!

Topher: Hip-poh-pot-ah-moose?

Crazy56U: (Strong Mad impression) DOUGLAS

Dark Angel: Con-dum-scent-ing?



“I thought it was high time that the Princess Cadance and Queen Chrysalis had a face-to-face, considering we have been allies for nearly a month now,” Celestia said as she took a few steps.



SC276: Wait, it’s been that long? D… Do authors have any idea how to communicate time anymore?!

Lord Shaxx: One does, and I’m not him.

Crazy56U: (deep sigh) Why am I not surprised...

Dark Angel: When I make a timelapse, I make sure the readers know that there’s a timelapse and just how long it’s for.



She positioned herself to ensure she could break up an argument or all-out fight if Chrysalis, Shining, or Cadance turned aggressive.



SC276: But everyone knows that if you look at the bed for too long, Foxy gets you.

Lord Shaxx: (peeks in closet) Aww, what a cute stuffed fox-OH MY F****** GOD!

Topher: (slams closet shut)

Crazy56U: (opens closet) ...guys, you’re freaking out over a stuffed toy… (picks it up) See? Look, it’s even missing its head, calm down…

Dark Angel: (looks in closet) Where’d this creepy looking Tails doll come from?

Crazy56U: (closes closet) That’s enough of that, now...



“It is a shame. I had hoped to see you two at the treaty signing.”



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I had planned to do a repeat of the whole wedding thing and your absence ruined it!”

Crazy56U: Eh… probably for the best. Rehashing plotlines is generally frowned upon...



Chrysalis put on a fanged smile while using a bit of magic to push some of her long, lanky mane out of her face.



SC276: Why yes, the show of magic was completely necessary.

Topher: On a side note, “Lanky” isn’t really used to describe hair.

Crazy56U: Because using your own hooves to move hair out of your face is just plain

silly...



“We do have so much to catch up on. How was your honeymoon? You’ll have to tell me all about it. I could use a late breakfast, and I’m sure you two would give off a few clouds of love while reminiscing.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “I’m not devouring the love flowing from you currently because-”

Topher: Do you want to eat the love leaking from Shining and Cadence's nether regions?

Crazy56U: EW.

Dark Angel: Chrysalis does know the difference between love and lust. And I second the motion. EW.



Though, I doubt you’d be able to say the honeymoon was more exciting than your wedding.”



SC276: [Shining Armor] “Our honeymoon, actually, involved defending this place from this guy the first time he came back, thank you very much.”

Scarlet: [Cadance] “Honey, let’s show her our favorite position. The one where you hurl me like a javelin.”

Crazy56U: “The Crystal Empire” wasn’t that good, Chrysalis. Trust me, this nonsense is more interesting.

Scarlet: No it isn’t you maniac. Topher, execute him.

Dark Angel: Something about that sounds so wrong. I mean when the nonsense of a bad fic is more interesting than the Crystal Empire in canon…

Topher: (chuckles madly, shoots Crazy in the head)

Crazy56U: (ducks) I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

Topher: (douses Crazy in gasoline and sets him on fire) AND I WILL NOT BE DENIED CORPSE S’MORES!

SC276: Behave, children. We got a fic to wrangle over here.



Shining took a step forward, a flicker of magic on his horn. He opened his mouth to bark back at Chrysalis, but Celestia extended a wing and caught her nephew-in-law before a single syllable could escape his lips.



SC276: Nephew-in… what? Hold on, I’mma check this...

Lord Shaxx: It’s correct. Cadance is Sunbutt’s niece, thus Shieldbutt is Sunbutt’s nephew-in-law.

SC276: ...OK, just verified that. It’s just with all the other ridiculous family relationships these fics put characters into, the canon ones can be pretty well hidden.

Topher: Cadence? Don’t you mean Lovebutt?

Crazy56U: A great big family of butts.

Dark Angel: Yeah… I thought something stinks about how that family works. And I don’t think ‘nephew-in-law’ is an actual thing. And does that make Twilight her ‘niece-in-law’? So…Sunbutt, Lovebutt, Shieldbutt, Magicbutt, Bluebutt (snickers), and Moo- (snickers) Moonbutt! (breaks out laughing) I guess this family loves full moons!

Topher: And considering that they are bound to be completely honest with one another, I guess you could say… They like big butts and they cannot lie.



She shook her head once, then withdrew her wing and looked back at Chrysalis. “I think we can all agree the events of that day are a sensitive subject.



Scarlet: And that is pretty much the last time we really address the painful trauma that must come from Shining Armor and Cadance working with the person who tried to mentally break and imprison them. Awesome Storytelling!

Crazy56U: YEAH!



Why don’t we focus on the task at hoof, hmm? Princess Cadance, have there been any breaches in the protective barrier?”



SC276: [Cadance] “First thing, when you got here, did you remember to close the door behind you?”

[Celestia] “Umm…”

Topher: [Sombra] “It’s cool, I shut it when I came in.”

Dark Angel: [Shining Armor] “Why thank you. That’s really generous of you.”

Crazy56U: (pulls out some duct tape) Here, this should help.



“None,” Cadance answered, looking to Celestia and acting as if Chrysalis wasn’t even there. “A few of the panels, as the changelings call them,



SC276: Since when were the changelings allied with Aperture Science?

Crazy56U: If so, does that mean they’re armed with portal guns in this? Please say this is a thing that happens. Please, please, please, I’LL GIVE YOU MY BLOOD!

Scarlet: Huh, the Red Truth. I didn’t know you were also a witch!

Topher: (pulls out a bottle and a knife) What? you were offering!



showed signs of fractures during some assaults. However, they were reinforced before a breach could truly occur.”



Scarlet: Unlike this story’s narrative flow, which has already begun to show signs of weakness.

Lord Shaxx: (cracks up)

Crazy56U: (tapes up Lord Shaxx) Glad I didn’t put away that tape...



“And what about my changelings?”



Lord Shaxx: What about ‘em?

Topher: Um… yeah, about that.. It turns out the crystal heart works great as a bug zapper!

Crazy56U: So that’s why I keep smelling fried chicken...



Chrysalis asked. “Celestia assures me you’ve been taking good care of them. She and I can’t lie to one another because of the treaty, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe you lied to her.”



Scarlet: [Cadance] “Well, I had to reinforce those panels with something.”

Crazy56U: Chrysalis has played enough L.A. Noire to determine if others are lying to her or not...



“I would not betray Princess Celestia’s trust like that,” Cadance said, pronouncing her words in a sharp rhythm, as if wanting to stab them into Chrysalis’s brain.



Scarlet: After failing in that attempt, she switched to her off-hand weapon.

Crazy56U: While simultaneously actually stabbing Chrysalis brain with her horn.



“They’ve constructed their own housing just outside the empire from goo and some crystal building materials. They are allowed to come and go as they please, and they are being well fed.”



Scarlet: [Cadance] “It turns out that True Love and vindaloo have a remarkably similar flavor, consistency, and magical effect on insects.”

Crazy56U: Stop saying goo.



At that Cadance turned her head, looking into the distance. Celestia followed her adoptive niece’s gaze,



Dark Angel: You know, I can accept the ‘adopted’ part of that, since it explains allot of questions I have about the relationship between Sunbutt and Lovebutt. But how does one become an adopted niece?! Did Sunbutt just decided “I’m gonna adopt you, but I don’t want the responsibilities of being a mother, so you’re my niece.”?

Crazy56U: Well, we don’t know exactly what happened between Celestia banishing Nightmare Moon and Celestia taking on Twilight as her personal assistant, so maybe you’re right…

Scarlet: Official confirmation of her status as royalty by making her a part of the royal family. Also, adopting her as a daughter would be weird given Cadance probably has living parents, and Twilight didn’t need to be adopted because she’s now related to the royal family by marriage through Shining. Duh.



noticing she was focusing on the top of a nearby building’s roof.



Scarlet: And that was when the air strike Shining Armor had called in barreled into Chrysalis, freeing her from this story in the same moment it annihilated her.



There was something on the roof resembling a weather vane attached to a barrel. Cadance was manipulating the device.



Scarlet: I have no idea why but I feel like the above lines are obscene. I blame Eakin.

Crazy56U: And this fic is now Rated R.

Dark Angel: Hell, if any fic we riff isn’t Rated R, we make it Rated R. Are riffers pirates?

Crazy56U: (suddenly wearing an eyepatch and hook hand) I don’t know what you’re

talking about.



She pulled out the cork from the barrel before levitating something out of the interior. She then replaced the cork while levitating the barrel’s contents over to where the four were standing.

“What is that?” Chrysalis asked,



SC276: Another very good question.

Scarlet: [Cadance] “Hydrochloric acid!”

Topher: It’s some of Shining’s Love for me! I milked him last night!

Crazy56U: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE?!



and Celestia couldn’t deny her own curiosity. It was liquid, similar in density to water but with a rich, red tone like raspberry jam.



Scarlet: So the density of water but with the thickness and rich color of preserves. Well, I suppose it is magic’s job to give things impossible properties.

Crazy56U: ...well, I’m hungry now. (pulls out a jar of jam)



She sensed something from it, a kind of magic, but it was not one she had encountered before. Warm, gentle, and with a quiver of life.



Scarlet: Given what we’re about to be told about this magic’s identity, I call bullshit on “not encountered before.”

Crazy56U: Here’s where I’d reference Star Wars. ...but I refuse to, so have more JonTron instead.



She imagined holding the liquid, in magic or in hoof, would feel like gingerly holding a dove.



Scarlet: A dove with the density of water but the consistency of raspberry jam and okay this isn’t a description it’s a mad lib.

Topher: How can she hold liquid in her hoof? It would fall through the holes!

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure this is supposed to mean that changelings are Love Benders.

Dark Angel: So does that mean that Bugbutt can bend Lovebutt’s butt? Wow, that’s a lot of butts.



“Oh, has the great and powerful Queen Chrysalis never seen liquid love before?”



Scarlet: Aaaand here’s where my calling bullshit on Celestia having no idea what the magical nature of this stuff is comes into play. Also, because I want dibs: What is love?

Dark Angel: Well, if you’re calling dibs on that reference, just remember that Lovebutt is trying to explain that All You Need is Love. I just want Lovely Rita to Love Me Do.

SC276: I’d say “baby don’t hurt me,” but this fic hurts.

Crazy56U: Well, according to some hack named Finkelstein, love is a myth…

RJ: [Chrysalis] Yeah, while you were in the caves your husband sprayed his ‘liquid love’ in my fac~

[Shining] I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT.

Crazy56U: (gag) ...aw, fuck… (pukes on RJ’s shoes)



The grin on Cadance’s face made it clear she was enjoying turning the tables on the antagonizing queen. Her smile only grew as she levitated the sphere of liquid until it was inches away from Chrysalis’s face. “Here, first shot’s on the house.”



Scarlet: [Cadance] “And subsequent shots after the addiction sets in will have non-negotiable price tags of eternal servitude.”

Crazy56U: Oh, sure, you call it a shot, but you don’t deliver it in either a shot glass or a needle. If you’re going to share drugs, use the correct vernacular!



Chrysalis eyed Cadance, but after a few moments she called on her own magic. The levitation spell around the red liquid changed from blue to green,



Scarlet: This actually bugs me- it’s a thing Pen Stroke does quite a bit. The action here is “Chrysalis took the sphere of liquid from Cadance and swallowed it”, but he goes into describing the magical aura changing, and the little details. All of which would be nice, but without really spectacular prose to back it up it just looks cluttered.



and then Chrysalis cracked open her mouth. It sounded as if she was just breathing in through her mouth.



Scarlet: Or perhaps she was preparing to vomit through her mouth.

SC276: This was a completely necessary detail.

Crazy56U: Thanks for explaining how breathing works!



Yet, slowly and surely, the liquid began to evaporate and flow into Chrysalis’s waiting maw.



Scarlet: Suck it up, Kirby!

SC276: *plays that awesome heroic music*

Crazy56U: CHUG CHUG CHUG!



To watch a changeling drain love was, in a way, like watching a pony yawn.



SC276: Or watching us yawn.

Crazy56U: (yawns) ...damn, all this yawning talk...



A long, drawn out expression involving a wide open mouth.



Scarlet: Decent comparison. Except yawning involves expelling things.

Dark Angel: Well technically, yawning is also for for cooling down the brain by cooling the blood that is on it’s way to the brain. So the majority of what a yawn is for is the inhaling.

Crazy56U: (louder yawn) Guys, seriously, stop the yawn conversation…

Dark Angel: Don’t blame us. This entire fic so far is a big ya-(yawns)-awn.



Chrysalis let her eyes slide shut, the corners of her mouth trying to form a smile despite her gaping maw. She seemed to lose track of the world for several seconds before she was forced to exhale.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Alright, you got me. That’s the good shit. I’ll pay you for twenty grams.”



The stream of love ended, and Chrysalis rejoined reality while her tongue flicked against her lips, trying to catch any stray vapor.



RJ: [Chrysalis] “Completely medicinal purposes, I swear!”



“Well, somepony sure likes that liquid love I invented.”



Scarlet: [Cadance] “We’ll meet in the courtyard around 3:30. Don’t call the police, and make sure you bring the cash.”



Cadance’s words soured Chrysalis’s moment of jubilation. For a moment Celestia feared she would throw the love back, splashing it in Cadance’s face,



Scarlet: The love she just drank.

Crazy56U: Can you even puke love back up? …I mean, yeah, you can puke up rainbows, but...



but Chrysalis's magic held tightly to the liquid. It was like she was guarding some precious treasure. “How did you create this?” Chrysalis hissed.



Scarlet: Which is now magically outside her stomach again. Continuity!

SC276: I think the intention was that Chrysalis only drank a little bit, not the whole thing. In which case, Cadance brought the whole thing out because she’s a dick.

Crazy56U: Candy hearts. Duh.

RJ: Probably dirty magazines and some lonely times.



“It was thanks to your drones,” Cadance said, her smile only growing as she began to explain.



Scarlet: [Cadance] “We had to grind them down to extract their love-essence.”

SC276: We already did the Rainbow Factory prequel, dude.

Topher: We originally experimented with this love potion I found in a book, but the drones kept calling each other “Schmoopy-doo” and “Pooky-Pie.”

Crazy56U: [Cadance] “Surprisingly, it’s the same science as making meth!”



“They were bothering the patrons of the most romantic restaurant in the empire by standing on the other side of the street and staring at it with their mouths open.



Scarlet: And by “most romantic restaurant” she does mean “her bedroom window.”

SC276: So they were doing their best gargoyle impressions.

Crazy56U: They better stop doing that, their faces might freeze in that position. ...or get a dislocated jaw...



It was an awkward sight, but it gave me an excuse to ask them just how your kind feeds on love. After I learned that, I began to wonder if I couldn’t apply my special talent of spreading love to capture it as well.



Scarlet: So she absorbed the love of her subjects and converted it into a liquid form and how is this different from what the Changelings already do?

Lord Shaxx: …Pen Stroke wrote it? Does that count?

Crazy56U: It’s different because shut up.



With some help from Twilight, I was able to construct the device on the roof over there.



Scarlet: Jesus. My Eakin joke actually did get more appropriate.

Crazy56U: (gives Scarlet a gold star sticker) You did it!



“It is a magically charmed crystal that naturally absorbs the ambient love in the air and then condenses it into a liquid. The liquid then flows through a tube into the accompanying barrel.



Scarlet: Again- how is this different than what the Changelings were doing? If they don’t need to feed directly from specific beings, this should not be something you need a device for.

SC276: Yeah, if we’re going with the way changelings eat in the comics here, this is most likely not even possible. They eat the fire, not the heat.

Crazy56U: Well, luckily, we’re not going by the comics...



We’ve placed a dozen collectors adjacent to some of the most romantic areas of the empire,



Topher: [Cadence] “Strip clubs, brothels, that kinda thing.”

Dark Angel: [Cadance] “Of course the Changelings are becoming friskier for some reason.”

Crazy56U: So that explains why Makeout Point is being occupied by changelings...



and just those dozen are managing to keep all the drones and warriors you sent well fed. In fact, we’re generating a surplus.



Scarlet: We’ve spent more words on this than on the plan to defeat Sombra. And sadly, there is a reason for that.

SC276: Can’t that guy do more in a plot where he’s the villain for once? We don’t even have the backup of all his preset defenses guarding the one thing that can stop him this time.



I can send you home with a full barrel of liquid love if you’d like. Consider it an apology for kicking your boney flank out of Canterlot and making you miss the wedding reception.”



Scarlet: One, chitin and probably not bone if they’re insects. Two, that’s really dry considering that last time you had a conversation with this woman she’d stolen everything you held dear and locked you in a mineshaft. Three, do you see what I mean about all of this just being wrong?

Dark Angel: Is there anything about this fic that’s right?



Celestia didn’t entirely approve of Cadance’s attitude.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Cadance, don’t apologize to your tormentor. You were the victim and you can’t allow her power over you.” ...Like, seriously. Why would you chide her for being nasty to her kidnapper.



She was obviously trying to dig and poke at Chrysalis just as the changeling queen had been trying to get a rise out of them.



Scarlet: No, Pen Stroke, really, couldn’t have figured any of that out for myself, this was such a necessary line of prose. Corkscrew, please!

SC276: Sorry, lost them. As it turns out, they aren’t very good trying to hold up waffle delivery trucks. ...I’m hungry.

Topher: Shining already had a raging rise going if you catch my drift!

Crazy56U: If it lasts for more than four hours, he may need to call a doctor…

Dark Angel: Meh. He’s probably lucky if it lasts for more than four seconds.



Yet, at the same time, Celestia couldn't deny the pride swelling in her chest.



Scarlet: Which tragically turned out to actually be an oncoming heart attack, freeing Celestia from the story.

SC276: I’ve heard that actually starts in the arm. So ponies have a heart attack at the same time their leg gives out and tilts them. Every time.

Topher: And then the changeling embryo implanted in her chest burst out of her ribcage, killing her instantly and showering everyone with blood and viscera.

Crazy56U: And then she burped. She gets “pride” and “gas” confused a lot...



Cadance had done her very best to ensure the changelings were well taken care of, and in the process, she may have provided a means for a peace that could extend past Sombra’s defeat.



Scarlet: Because there was no way the Changelings could have done this without a magical bullshit device. At all. Even though standing outside date spots is apparently all they ever needed to do.

SC276: The creepiness of it isn’t even necessary; they change shape. Granted, a bunch of crystal ponies standing around with their mouths open is still a little freaky, but less so than big black horse-bugs doing it.

Topher: Let’s test that theory. (walks over to a corner, turns to face everyone, opens his mouth wide, starts breathing heavily, staring blankly into space)

Crazy56U: Hmm… (pulls out a bag of marshmallows) (tosses one into Topher’s open mouth) Woo! Three points!

Dark Angel: Now that I see it like that, I think it’s less awkward for Changelings in their natural form to do that than to see ponies doing that. Because for Changelings, it’s an expected reaction. But with ponies… or Topher in this case, they look like someone with a developmental disorder. Then again, maybe that’s just Topher.



“That would be... very kind of you.” The liquid love was beginning to boil inside Chrysalis’s magical grasp, but she didn’t throw it to the ground or in Cadance’s face.



Scarlet: Chrysalis is just upset that after all her hard work and her amazing villain aria, all it took to solve the problem was a simple act of narrative convenience.

Crazy56U: Hindsight’s a bitch.



To Celestia, it was a sign that Chrysalis knew the importance of Cadance’s discovery, despite her own anger and frustration.



SC276: Seriously, though, way to be a scientist.



“Still, perhaps we should discuss this later. We are, after all, here to inspect the front line.”



Scarlet: Oh right there was an invasion plot in this story. Sorry, I was distracted by the technicalities of producing liquid love. Which I promise will not in any way come back in the form of bullshit.

SC276: Let me guess. One of them gets splashed with it and orgy ensues.

Scarlet: Ahahahaha no somehow worse.

Lord Shaxx: Gonna take a wild guess and say shipping.

Crazy56U: ...Celestia gets drunk on love, doesn’t she?



“Of course,” Shining said, wearing a smile like Cadance’s as he turned and motioned with one hoof. “Please, follow me and I’ll take you to the command post where you can ask your changelings just how much they love my wife’s liquid love.”



SC276: OK, I just now noticed the double entendre that this whole thing is. Augh...

Scarlet: The worst thing about that line is that I think it might be intentional. In which case, Shining Armor, you are fucked up!

Topher: I need to start hanging out with that guy.

Crazy56U: (cough) ...I feel the need to puke all of a sudden…

Dark Angel: I really hate doing this, but I have to defend this story. I think SC and Scarlet are right. I believe this was a double entendre and that it was intentional. But it wasn’t intentional on the author’s part, even though technically it is, it’s intentional on Shining’s part to specifically get under Chrysalis’ skin…er…shell. Either that or Cadance doesn’t get enough ‘liquid love’ from Shining, and needs something extra.



Chrysalis growled and sneered, but didn’t mutter a word as she followed behind Shining. Celestia and Cadance lingered a moment, watching the two pass. Celestia then put a hoof on Cadance’s shoulder,



Scarlet: [Celestia] “It’s just red Kool-Aid with a hallucinogen in it, isn’t it?”

[Cadance] “Yup.”

Crazy56U: And then it turns out it’s Hawaiian Punch with a hallucinogen in it! PLOT

TWIST!



giving an approving nod before they too began walking towards the command post. Yes, there was still tension, but Celestia now had a hope of her own. Peace could last past the defeat of their mutual enemy, and like Discord, an old foe could be turned into a new ally.



Scarlet: Speaking of which, Discord hasn’t been dispatched to help with Sombra because pickled hamsters rule the moon.

Crazy56U: And since Discord made those pickled hamsters, he has to stop them before they figure out how to create moon nukes and manage to glass Equestria. Figures that problem would arise now, but hindsight’s 20/20.



~~~

“What does it taste like?”



Scarlet: Three scenes in and we’re still nowhere near doing real battle with Crystal Dragon Sombra. Are we just not going to form a Fellowship already?

SC276: Let me guess, it’s now two years later?

Crazy56U: Nope, two days later.



A few more weeks of the stalemated war had passed. Sombra’s crystal dragon army had yet to penetrate the empire’s defensive barrier, yet the alliance was equally unsuccessful in locating Sombra’s lair.



Scarlet: [Pegasus #1] “Hey, that mountain has a bunch of black crystal things growing out of it. Think he could be there?

[Changeling #1] “Nah. That’s what he wants us to think.”

SC276: [Sombra] “Dammit! When are they actually going to fall for it?!”

Crazy56U: [Sombra] “(removes a ‘Sombra’s Place’ sign from the ground) ...maybe this is too obvious…”



The northern mountains were treacherous, similar to the Everfree Forest in varying degrees.



Scarlet: Like the Everfree, they were full of ancient pony fortifications, autonomous weather, animals that care for themselves, and plot points.

Crazy56U: And, sometimes, plot holes.

Dark Angel: Chances are that if they look, all they’d find are the plot holes. Because this fic has yet to reveal any other plot points.



There were not as many monsters, if you didn’t count the crystal dragons,



Topher: And thus, more of our time was wasted on pointless words.

Crazy56U: Why would you not count them? I THINK THEY COUNT AS MONSTERS!



but the cold temperatures, frequent storms, and dangerous terrain made for an unforgiving landscape.



Scarlet: The ponies couldn’t fly in and push away the bad weather because.

Crazy56U: Because of the plot holes powering Sombra’s nonsense, obviously.

Dark Angel: Whenever any pegasi go near the weather to try to push it back, they fall into one of the countless plot holes.



She and Chrysalis had sent troops into the mountains to try and scout out where all the crystal dragons were coming from, but Sombra was being smart.



Scarlet: [Sombra] “Ha! I have decorated my lair with green crystals instead of black ones! They’ll never look for me here!”

Crazy56U: [Sombra] “(places a ‘Not Sombra’s Place’ into the ground) There! Genius.”

Dark Angel: Sombra being smart is forbidden! This fic is a no intelligence zone!



The dragons weren’t taking the same path through the mountains. Some, in fact, were just roving in packs, as if biding their time until they were given the command to attack.



Scarlet: That tactical genius! He’s ordered his army to split up into separate divisions and attack from multiple vantage points! He’s even got a reserve force!

SC276: Not bad for a guy that only had a vocabulary of like three words the last time he came up, and that’s a generous estimate.

Crazy56U: Too generous, if you ask me…

Dark Angel: Not unless you count the comics. I’m sure he has a vocabulary of at least eight words.



That or they were patrolling the mountains to defend against the possible incursion of a large equine army.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “We can’t go into the mountains and crush Sombra’s army if we don’t know where his lair is! We might have to fight him!”

Crazy56U: [Celestia] “Mountains can avalanche! We can’t deal with that shit!”



Thus it had become a waiting game, one where life in Equestria had to continue. Celestia had ruling to do, meetings to attend, but now there was a new oddity in her routine.



SC276: I was joking about the two years part.

Scarlet: She was now forced to boot Crystal Dragons out of her throne room before officially opening court. This satisfied her more than the actual court proceedings.

Crazy56U: So, the war ground to a long ass stalemate? ...is this supposed to be a fantasy-style World War I?



She now crossed paths with Chrysalis on a regular basis. The changeling queen was only in Canterlot every few days, but she came to the capitol nonetheless to ensure the treaty was still being respected and to oversee the transfer of another shipment of liquid love.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “You got the goods?”

[Celestia] “That all depends on whether or not you’ve got my money.”

Crazy56U: Silly question, does this mean there’s some Breaking Bad-esque liquid love-based shenanigans going on in the background that we don’t know of? Because if liquid love is supposed to be a drug…

Scarlet: Thanks for the fic idea, Crazy. I vote that you write it.

Crazy56U: I suck as a writer, so no. You have my permission to write it.

Dark Angel: I’m sure neither of you will have to worry about that. I’m sure Pen Stroke will write that fic at some point.



That was what had made Celestia voice her question.



Scarlet: So to recap, the fact that the war is currently in a stalemate has led to Chrysalis occasionally showing up at court which has led directly to Celestia wondering how to taste love and oh god that just doesn’t sound right.

Crazy56U: I’m more confused that Celestia waited until now to ask what love tastes like…

Dark Angel: I know. I would be curious from the start. I’d even consider trying Cadance’s liquid love myself.



The five words broke the silence between her and Chrysalis. She had been eating her own lunch when Chrysalis came in to sit and drink a glass of liquid love.



Scarlet: Oh look, they’re bonding. See, because they are hanging out together. Much chemistry.

Crazy56U: Such friend. Wow.



That itself was another interesting development. While the liquid love was too potent to be drunk raw, the changelings realized they could dilute it with water.



Scarlet: What, cutting it already? Well, I suppose it’s healthier than snorting the raw product.

SC276: If they couldn’t drink it raw, how was Chrysalis able to drink it, right from the barrel, with no consequence last scene?

Topher: That was just a little taste of the cheap stuff. THIS stuff is a madman.

Crazy56U: Does love have a proof, like alcohol does? I’m actually kinda curious here...

Dark Angel: DAMNIT! I’m defending the fic again! But perhaps it’s not a case that it ‘can’t’ be drunk, but that it’s so potent that they need allot less than they realize, so the Changelings would ingest too much love. Basically like how you don’t notice the affects of eating too much until it’s too late. Or perhaps it’s potent in a different way, and this is implying that Celestia and Chrysalis have already made their own…(mumbles) liquid love.



The diluted liquid resembled wine more than raspberry jam, and Chrysalis herself had taken to sipping the mixture from a long-stemmed glass.



Scarlet: So again- it’s the density of water, consistency of jam, you hold it like a dove, and it dilutes into wine. Magic!

SC276: I do not drink… wine. *sips orange juice*

Crazy56U: (scoff) Orange juice? Please… (chugs Diet Coke)

Topher: PFFT! Lightweights. *chugs gasoline*

Dark Angel: (throws a lit match at Topher) Anyone want to roast weenies?

Topher: Nice try, but I ingested the gasoline! It’ll only catch fire if (belch).... uh oh. (bursts into flames) Oh well, at least we have weenies.



“Come again?” Chrysalis asked,



Dark Angel: [Celestia] “I already have! Six times!”



having been too lost in her own thoughts to hear Celestia’s rather unprovoked question.



SC276: Much like we are. Like, seriously, I don’t see the question anywhere.

Crazy56U: “What does it taste like?” You’re welcome.

Lord Shaxx: [Imperfect Cell] Gladly.



“What does liquid love taste like?



SC276: That is six words, not five.

Crazy56U: Again, it’s referring to “What does it taste like?”...

SC276: Well, sorry for missing a line of this dullfest.



Does it taste different from when you consume love in a more traditional manner?”



Scarlet: I used up my allocation of “what is love” jokes way too early.

Crazy56U: You fool.

Dark Angel: What’s love got to do with it?

Topher: “So typical of you Canterlot snobs! Always trying to oppress us with your “traditional” views of how to consume love!”



Chrysalis took a long drink from the glass, as if needing to prepare herself for the trying task of having a pleasant conversation.



Scarlet: Funny, canonically she has a hard time shutting the hell up.

Lord Shaxx: As does almost every major antagonist. You’d think the monologue would be their downfall, but it isn’t.

Topher: Pretty much every villain in any media ever talks too much.

Crazy56U: CHUG CHUG CHUG!

Dark Angel: So what you’re saying is that Sombra is not a villain? Because I have absolutely no memory of him speaking.



She then set the glass down and turned in her seat to face Celestia properly. “It does taste different. When I consume love straight from the source, it has a very discernible flavor depending on what love the pony is feeling. I’m sure you can understand that there is a difference between loving a pet, loving a garden, and loving a husband.”



Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “Though really, it’s not about the flavor so much as it is about the despair in their eyes when I take all of it from them.”

SC276: The fear will make his meat sweeter.

Lord Shaxx: “Ackerman! Is that you? ...I can smell you! I smell… FRESH MEAT!”

Topher: The most popular kind of love, at least among male changelings, was mare on mare.

Crazy56U: What about loving yourself?



“And the liquid love?”

“It’s something of a mixture, a cocktail.”



Crazy56U: Of the Molotov persuasion, or of the alcohol persuasion?



Chrysalis picked up her glass again, turning it slowly and watching as the liquid within swirled in reaction.



Scarlet: Water into raspberry dove wine cocktail. Jesus Christ himself never accomplished such miracles.

SC276: Wait, I thought the collectors were at the big love spots. Surely the more romantic date types would be the most prominent, with only a touch of the hobby types.

Crazy56U: That… doesn’t really answer my question, Chrysalis...



“Because those condensers are gathering love from multiple sources, the flavors all blend together. Sometimes it tastes rather bland, little different from the water I’m mixing it with.



Scarlet: Water into raspberry dove wine cocktail water. You know, when H.P. Lovecraft described things beyond the capacity of human description it was terrifying. When Dante Alighieri did it, it was rapturous. When Pen Stroke does it, it’s dull.

SC276: Why couldn’t this have been about the fighting again?

Crazy56U: Because Pen Stroke is stupid.



But certain barrels from certain collectors have a more discernible flavor. The barrels marked with a number six taste mostly of the romantic love between couples.



Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “I like to imagine the expressions of horror on their faces as I first imprison and impersonate one and then slowly destroy the other every time I drink it.”

SC276: Ahh, a Chateau de Crystal, 1974. Compared to it, Phat Crystal Disco, 2015, is basically liquid shit.

Crazy56U: Hmm, let’s test that… (drinks Phat Crystal Disco) ... (pukes on the floor)



I found out from Cadance that collector number six is very near the restaurant where my changelings, as she said, were standing on the other side of the street with their mouths hanging open. That liquid love tastes of the gentle allure experienced when couples enjoy a candlelit dinner.”



SC276: It’s just like being there!

Scarlet: Meanwhile, Sombra is rampaging. Thousands are dying. And that isn’t even a joke.

Crazy56U: (worried) ...y-you sure about that?

Scarlet: Sombra is rampaging. Thousands are dying.

SC276: Yeah, Crazy, I’d call that pretty sure.



Celestia nodded, honestly enjoying the conversation. Chrysalis wasn’t being condescending or passive-aggressive, and Celestia found the topic truly interesting.



Scarlet: Pen Stroke, buddy. I can tell what’s going on for myself. You don’t have to lay it out for me.

Crazy56U: Well, in Pen Stroke’s defense, some people might either be coming in late or (like me) are skimming the story. While this is kind of annoying, it’s not completely pointless…



It was something she herself wouldn’t have considered in regards to the collectors, yet at the same time it made a great deal of sense.



Scarlet: Or at least as much as that gentle-dove comparison earlier ever could.

SC276: I’m OK with stuff not making sense if it’s fun to read.



If she took a bunch of different foods she liked and just blended them all together, then all those flavors would intermingle and mix. With pony food the result would probably be gut-wrenchingly horrible, but with love the different flavors seemed at least modestly compatible.



Scarlet: This is such an important description. Truly the most interesting thing in this story is the mechanics of liquid love.

SC276: Still waiting for one of them to get splashed in it and the orgy to happen.

Topher: You can achieve the same effect with large quantities of vodka.

Crazy56U: So, just like that movie “Perfume”? The movie that had a massive orgy as

the climax? And no, I’m not making this up.



Once more she was reminded of wine, and how very different flavors could be produced by changing what varieties and quantities of the grapes and the kind of barrels they were stored in.



Scarlet: This story was featured almost as soon as it got posted, by the way. Stayed up there too. People actually made it past this.

Dark Angel: Maybe they just skipped ahead to the good stuff. Of course that’s assuming there’s any good stuff in this fic. Like most riffs, I’m doing this blind and don’t know if this get’s better later or not.



“I wonder if it’s digestible by ponies?” Celestia mused as she watched Chrysalis take another sip,



Scarlet: Ahahahahaha I’ve read this before and that question hurts.

SC276: ...I am both cautiously hopeful and dumbfoundingly terrified of my orgy prediction being right.

Crazy56U: ...I should’ve read this before riffing it…

Dark Angel: Don’t worry. I never read the fic before riffing. I often regret it, but it also allows me a fresh, unbiased view of the fic. I am able to take in all of it’s shit in all it’s impurity, or I can manage to give a defensive view of the fic…even though they probably don’t deserve being defended. I’ve already defended this yawn inducer twice.



yet before the conversation could continue further, one of the halls windows burst apart. Something large and black had smashed through the glass, sending shards showering across the table.



Scarlet: Oh thank God, the plot. I was starting to glaze over.

SC276: Chandler, your law took forever to kick in. I want a refund.

Crazy56U: Cujo, NO! ...wait, Cujo was brown, not black…

Dark Angel: That’s right, there’s supposed to be a plot in here somewhere.



The black mass itself bounced once with a sickening crack. It then slid across the table, leaving a gruesome green smear against the polished wood before coming to a stop next to Chrysalis.

It was one of her warriors.



Scarlet: [Changeling] “Message for you, sir.”

Crazy56U: Wait, did he get into a bar fight or someth-



“My queen... the hive,” The changeling choked out, but even that much effort seemed to take the last of the changeling’s strength. He collapsed, body growing still though faint breathing motions continued in his chest.



Scarlet: Told you that Sombra thing earlier wasn’t a joke!

Crazy56U: -ing? ...aw, fuck…

Dark Angel: Oh god! I hope that Changeling will be alright! Oh god!!! I just said I hoped a Changeling would be alright!!!



“We need a doctor!” Celestia shouted, using magic to carry her words throughout the entire castle. Chrysalis, however, did not linger. She released the wine glass, and before it was able to fall to the floor, she was out the door.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Oh hell no, ‘I Need a Doctor’ was a shitty single and Dre should feel bad!”

SC276: Feed him the fucking wine based in the thing his species needs to survive, asshole! Or at least some degree of first aid!

Crazy56U: Aw, fuuuuuck…

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “Somepony find the TARDIS!”



Celestia stayed just long enough for her guards to arrive, ensuring the warrior would not be left alone, before she ran out the door to pursue Chrysalis.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Just give Dre a chance! Detox might still be good!”



~~~

By the agreements in the treaty, Chrysalis had not been required to divulge the location of her central hive.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Alright, Celestia. As per the terms of our agreement I want to station several of my warriors in a northern portion of one of your allies’ holdings, while I keep the location of my own population bases a total secret thus ensuring that you can send me no magical or military aid whatsoever.”

[Celestia] “...”

[Chrysalis] “I see you are in awe of my brilliance.”

Crazy56U: In retrospect, that’s kinda dumb...



When the first attack came, a branch hive in the north had been the target. It was what drove Chrysalis to agree to the treaty and alliance.



SC276: Oh, so that’s why! That would’ve been nice to know BEFORE NOW!

Crazy56U: Did Pen Stroke forget to mention that before? Why wait until what I assume to be a very fucked up part of the story to mention this?!



It, however, had also driven her to paranoia, as far as Celestia could say.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “You sure you won’t even take a few Night Guard members who will be sworn to secrecy or something?”

[Chrysalis] “Send me booze and that’s all I need.”

Crazy56U: Well, gee, what tipped you off, Sunbutt?



The location, layout, population, and defensive strength of the changeling’s center hive were all secrets that Chrysalis had taken great pains to keep. None of her changelings spoke a peep, and every time the topic was mentioned to the queen herself, she’d wave it off with a snide remark.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Sombra, Schmombra. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “This can in no way, shape, OR form bite me in the ass!”



The layers of secrecy, however, had meant none could come to aid the changelings when the enemy stood at the gates.



Scarlet: [Pegasus #1] “In retrospect, we probably should’ve engaged that massive detachment of dragons before they left the mountains, shouldn’t we?”

[Changeling #1] “Nah, I’m sure it’ll all be fine. Come on, let’s check under that rock over there for Sombra!”

SC276: [Sombra] “Who are these creatures so clever enough to miss every single one of my cunning traps?!”

Crazy56U: They managed to sneak past the gates and the guards by wearing “We’re Not The Enemy” shirts...



She landed gingerly, if only to keep herself from falling from the sky. The air was acrid.



SC276: So’s the fic.



It smelt of burning goo, an odor that had permeated Canterlot for a time while they had been recovering from the wedding day attack. But there were undertones of something else, the odors of death and disaster that Celestia could not ignore.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Ugh! It’s like walking through a death metal band’s afterparty!”

Crazy56U: (chokes back some puke) H-hey, maybe it’s not as bad as it’s being made out to be… Heh… (gulp)

Dark Angel: I don’t see what the big deal is. From all of these fics, shouldn’t you have gained an immunity to-(pukes) Never mind.



Celestia stood within clear view of Knight’s Peak, a well-known landmark visible on the horizon from the southernmost watchtower of Equestria. Looking like the proud knight of a chessboard, the natural rock formation was a silent guardian on the very edge of the kingdom.



Scarlet: So wait- this thing is in the south. And Sombra’s crystal dragon army was explicitly up in the north, fighting Cadance in the Crystal Empire. And they moved these dragons down here… how?

SC276: They made use of the whole “liquid love” thing for a distraction. It’s the only possible explanation. This is what happens when you leave people behind the black all the time.



Smoke now rose from unseen holes in the mountain’s weather-worn eyes, and below its smoldering gaze, the dry, brown earth was stained green and littered with body both insectoid and crystalline.



SC276: After what seems like a year at war, they finally manage to peg some of those guys? Gheeze, even the war part is getting boring…

Dark Angel: Okay, we’ve seen the foreplay, and we’ve seen the aftermath. But we have yet to get any action…I mean…see any action…I mean…



She would have never guessed this was where Chrysalis’s hive was located.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “In retrospect, the massive aura of green magic surrounding it and the faint buzzing you hear whenever you’re nearby should’ve been tip-offs.”



But Sombra had found out, and either by sea or spell, he had smuggled an army to the opposite side of Equestria.



Scarlet: Well I suppose that answers my question: He got there ‘by sea or by spell’, which is the new “narrative convenience”.



Celestia took a few steps forward, daring to reach the crest of the hill she had landed on.



SC276: I double dare you to miss it!



She could see everything from there, and swallowed down the vomit that had tried to rise from her throat.



Scarlet: I’m gonna just say I feel bad that I have to riff some of this part. As much as I hate this story, I mostly hate it because Pen Stroke does this one thing pretty near right and then ruins it.

Crazy56U: ...this is gonna suck, isn’t it?

Dark Angel: Let’s just say that it will probably help you clean your living room floor.



Over a thousand years Equestria had not always been peaceful. At times, they had been forced to show the strength of their armies, preventing wars through the demonstration of might. But this... to call it a battle was only to offer some honor to the dead.



Scarlet: Much like blaming your dice when your character rolls a natural one and exits the fight at the point of their own saber.

Crazy56U: Yep, this is gonna suck...



If Celestia spoke honestly, to herself and to the world, what she saw before her was a massacre.

The faintest movement drew Celestia’s attention from the still and silent horrors.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Squirrel!”



At first she hoped it was some sign of life, of survivors, but there was no such mercy. The living soul amongst the dead was Chrysalis, running at full gallop towards Knight’s Peak.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Awww… no squirrel.”

SC276: please don’t let the orgy be here, please don’t let the orgy be here…

Dark Angel: From how it’s sounding so far, it does seem like they’ll have to repopulate.



A large cavern had been exposed in the cliffside, one that had been previously hidden by a boulder that now lay split in twain.



SC276: Took a lot of effort to push all that cardboard.



Taking to her wings, Celestia followed without hesitation. She kept her eyes upon Knight’s Peak, using it to guide her flight without looking at the carnage that was passing swiftly below her.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Guess I’ll chase Chrysalis instead. Still mad there’s no squirrel.”

Topher: [Random Changeling on the ground] “*cough* Oh my god! It’s Celestia! She’s come to save us! ...And there she goes. Dang it. *herk! BLEH.*”

Crazy56U: With Venom in close pursuit.



The smell of burning goo and bodies were growing more pungent the closer she got to the hive.



SC276: *facepalm* Oh god they’re all dead aren’t they.

Crazy56U: Gee, what part of that sentence tipped you off?



She coughed, her lungs rebelling against the tainted air, but Celestia pressed on until she had landed at the hive’s entrance.



Scarlet: She wiped her brow and spit her rust.

Crazy56U: This is it, the apocalypse. (ducks under table)

Topher: I always thought I would have a hand in the apocalypse, not just spectate it.



There were fewer bodies inside, but the source of the smells became apparent. The interior of the mountain had been a veritable city of changeling goo, and it now lay in ruin.



Scarlet: This is why you zerg rush early.



It looked like burnt marshmallow with small patches of green oozing between the cracks in the blackened surface.



SC276: What sorta marshmallows you been eatin’, lady?

Dark Angel: Maybe they’re mint marshmallows?



The dragons had managed to breach the defenses and get inside.



Scarlet: No shit.

Crazy56U: That obvious, huh?



“Chrysalis?” Celestia shouted into the tunnels, fading into the depths. She then turned her ears forward and listened, hoping to hear even the smallest noise in reply.



Scarlet: [dust speck] “We are here, we are here, we are here!”

SC276: The sour kangaroo’s probably still in denial.



The silence stood to face her, like an unrelenting demon,



SC276: Or a boring fanfic.



for several seconds before she heard something. It was distant, and she wasn’t able to discern precisely what the sound was, but she followed it all the same.



SC276: Someone’s never seen a horror movie.



The princess began running scenarios in her head, trying to ensure she was prepared for anything she might encounter.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “I knew I should’ve meditated earlier to regain my spell slots.”

Topher: Oh really? Everything? What if the Minotaur brought his albino cousin’s rubber chicken?

Dark Angel: So she was prepared to encounter Nightmare Rarity having a tea party with a giant rock while a bunch of Changelings and Griffins are having an orgy around them?



If it was Chrysalis, she could ensure the changeling queen’s safety and then try to get her to return to Canterlot until her army could secure the area. If it was a group of survivors, then she would tend to the wounded and ensure they stayed safe. If it was some lingering crystal dragon, then she’d unleash all the fury she could muster. Though the beasts were powerful, a single one stood no chance against her.



Scarlet: And we haven’t frontally engaged these things because- right, the reason.

SC276: Aaaaaaand if she runs into Sombra? What’s the plan there? Grovel and beg for mercy?

Topher: And what if she slips on a banana? Did she account for THAT?

Dark Angel: Is it just me, or does anyone else have a craving for hummus whenever they hear the name Sombra?

Topher: That’s just you.



Turns and twists led her through the tunnels of the hive. The architecture was unworldly, but despite the damage, Celestia found herself wishing she had been able to see the hive in its glory. Even charred, marred, and melted, the splendor remained.



Scarlet: God damn it, this is another interesting bit. Ruined by being in this story. Pen Stroke!

SC276: KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!

Topher: Seriously, can we get a story with these concepts please? It seems really cool.

Crazy56U: (gag) Oh God, I’m not liking where this is going…

Dark Angel: (hold up a pink bottle) Do you need some Pepto Bismol?



It was a mixture of the winding tunnels of an ant hill, the complex hexagonal structure of a beehive, and an underlying semblance to pony structures. There were doors and windows, benches and lampposts, homes and businesses.



Scarlet: There was also a Pokemon Center and a Gym, but that last one got relocated to the Seafoam Islands.



It had been a hive, but it had also been a sizable city.



SC276: What is this, Onu-Koro?

Topher: I approve of this reference. We’re best friends now.



It had been a home all the fallen changelings outside had fought to defend.

Celestia chased the sound for several minutes, eventually finding herself outside a pair of what had been ornate doors. Now, they looked little more than burnt toast,



SC276: Actually, “toast” is too whole. They were atomized! Smashed to smithereens, stardust, the last run of the grunions! Because an asteroid the size of Montana is headed this way! So there!



but they were her destination all the same. She was very close to the sound she had been chasing, a noise she was now sure originated from Chrysalis.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Crying changelings sound an awful lot like vuvuzelas.”



Had the queen perhaps fled to her throne room, hoping to find some changelings that had holed up in what was likely one of the hive’s most secure rooms? Had she been successful? The noise, at the moment, was still too muffled for Celestia to discern its nature.



Scarlet: Oh come on, I know your Wisdom modifier is higher than that!

SC276: Will you stop describing the stupid sounds and just do something?!



The only way she’d be able to learn more about what lay beyond was if she opened the doors, so Celestia did just that. She applied her magic, pushing on the doors since she saw no visible hinges from the exterior.



Scarlet: Two sentences to open a door. A third to describe it opening. If I didn’t know better I’d assume someone was getting paid by the word.



The righthoof door gave, opening silently despite its singed appearance.



SC276: Girl, unless the fire hit the lock, I doubt that’ll stop it from opening.



Celestia then peeked in, being cautious to ensure she herself wasn’t falling into some trap.

But there was no trap.



Scarlet: Well, I haven’t had time to master crossdressing but I suppose I could work to fix that.



There was only Chrysalis, sitting in the middle of a room that, at first blush, looked like any other burnt and barren room in the hive. But nuances in the architecture began to catch Celestia’s eyes. Large holes in the ground, filled with goo that was still burning and smoldering with subtle green flames.



Scarlet: You know, the sombriety of this scene is ruined a bit every time I read the word “goo”. Just saying.

SC276: It’s like how I imagine Bowser’s throne room has lava pits.

Topher: The goo had to be destroyed. Soon, Sombra’s greatest rival will be dead. THE GAK MUST DIE!

Crazy56U: Please God, don’t say that-

Dark Angel: Well, a fic about Sombra having a battle with his greatest rival, Gak, would probably be a more interesting fic than this. I mean seriously, this fic is like everything in between the interesting parts.



Walls choked with changeling pods, looking like cloudy, black pustules. But the size was all wrong. They were too small for regular ponies or changelings. For a moment, Celestia pondered why they were smaller, and why Chrysalis would be drawn to the room.



Scarlet: Because dead babies. We have dead babies in our shipfic. This story just took a turn for the Lars Von Triers.

SC276: Are you kidding me. That’s like the most unnecessary thing.

Crazy56U: … (pulls out a paper bag)

Topher: I admit, I’m not used to dead babies not being a punchline.



The realization hit hard, like the weight of the world collapsing on her, and Celestia couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her throat.



Crazy56U: (opens paper bag)



It was a nursery. In that way the changelings were very similar to ants or bees. Though she was not bound to her duty one hundred percent of the time, Chrysalis was the biological mother of the hive.



Scarlet: Um. Wow. Okay when Ender’s Game did this, the queen was a telepathic hub who controlled the shell-bodies of her drones autonomously and was the only real “personality”. Here, Chryssy’s an active sort who apparently spends quite a bit of time not birthing children. I… sorry. This worldbuilding bugs me.

SC276: Heh. “Bugs” you. ...Yeah, I don’t have a better joke here.

Crazy56U: (pukes into paper bag)

Topher: (pokes a hole in the bag)

Crazy56U: (dumps bag onto Topher’s head)



And like a mother, not like a queen, when she saw the devastation she had rushed in to search for the youngest of her subjects, some of which may not have even been born.



Scarlet: A queen would’ve had no concern for dead children, after all.

Crazy56U: (wipes mouth) ...what the fuck, Pen Stroke…



Celestia felt a wave of guilt wash over her.



SC276: Nah, that’s just the rushing wave of “stopped caring two scenes ago.”



This was a place in which she did not belong. This was a place she was not supposed to be. To be looking in at this moment was an intrusion.



SC276: We get it, Lady Redundant Woman.

Lord Shaxx: I get it!

Crazy56U: So, does that mean we can end the scene now? Please?

Dark Angel: Of course not. We still have fifty-seven more paragraphs describing how Chrysalis would pick up the hanky to blow her nose in.



She took a step back, intending to close the door and to simply wait for Chrysalis at the hive’s entrance.



Scarlet: Wait, what? We can’t have that, it would require a tasteful fade to black and some sombriety to match the mood of this terrible tragedy. Quick, activate the forced melodrama!

SC276: Aye, captain! *pulls a lever*

Topher: BATTLE STATIONS! (jumps through a hatch in the floor)

Crazy56U: (straps a pillow to the table) There. (ducks under the table)

Dark Angel: (looks around at the insanity) Seriously, what’s the deal? SC just turned on a light switch.



Chrysalis, however, had already noticed her presence.

With a hiss and a snarl, Chrysalis turned and launched a beam of magic at the doors. Celestia teleported herself, appearing at the far end of the conjoining corridor just in time to see the two doors fly off their hinges.



Scarlet: MORTAL KOMBAT!

Crazy56U: SUPER SMASH BROTHERS!



Chrysalis stepped out a moment later, growling and snarling like a rabid wolf with a thirst for blood in her eyes. She turned to look at Celestia, her accusing glare laying every guilt and sin at Celestia’s hooves.



Scarlet: Princess Celestia did Columbine! And 9/11! And stole my dessert!

SC276: And wrote this fic?

Crazy56U: Now, now, let’s not get crazy here…

Topher: GOLDEN OAKS LIBRARY WAS AN INSIDE JOB!

Crazy56U: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT GETTING CRAZY?!

Topher: SINCE WHEN DID I FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CONTROL ME? ARE YOU ONE OF THEM?

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES!



“It’s your fault!”



Scarlet: ~But it isn’t my fault, I was given those beans/you persuaded me to trade away my cow for beans/and without those beans there would have been no stalk to get up to the giants in the first place!~

Crazy56U: Chrysalis, I really doubt this is something Celestia would do. Most people like portraying her as a jerk, yes, but she isn’t a fucking monster...



~~~

Celestia soared from the open tunnel of the hive, shooting through the air like a dart before banking hard.



SC276: Was this scene break really necessary, given this is basically the same scene?

Crazy56U: Hey now, we need a chase scene for… some reason, so we’re having a chase scene… for some reason...



She turned herself all the way around, slowed her forward momentum, and eventually skidded to a stop on the dirt of the battle-stained plain.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Don’t do it, Chrysalis! I have the high ground!”

Crazy56U: I’m half-tempted to reference “Risky Business” here...



She looked back to the hive, coat dirty and a few feathers out of place on her wings. Chrysalis was not at the strength she had been at the wedding, but she was fighting like an uncaged beast.



SC276: *Chain Chomp barking*

Scarlet: So incoherent rage doesn’t power you up past your previous limits? Anime lied to me.

Topher: That would explain the funny looks I got in school when I would just stand there and scream angrily during a fight.

Crazy56U: Dragon Ball Z has been scamming us all these years…

Dark Angel: …And I thought I had no life…



Still, Celestia had maintained control of the fight. She had been hit only a few times, and so far she had not needed to attack Chrysalis back.



Scarlet: All she needed to do was timestall until the judge could call the match.



It was a queen’s rage, a mother’s rage. She couldn’t blame Chrysalis for lashing out.



SC276: We can, however, blame the author for writing this.

Crazy56U: Yes we can.

Dark Angel: Isn’t that what we always do though?



The queen appeared from the entrance to the hive. She looked exhausted, magically and mentally fatigued to the point she was little more than a walking zombie.



Scarlet: Ah, so the state I’m in whenever we finish a riff.

SC276: Actually, I already feel pretty close to that right now.

Dark Angel: Don’t we already have enough zombie stuff in the media?



Still, by force of will and rage, she was keeping herself on her hooves. Her horn popped and fizzled, trying to gather enough magic for another blast but failing.



SC276: You’re telling me we finally got a battle scene and you skipped over it all? Are you kidding me?

Crazy56U: And why didn’t we skip over that grotesque scene back at the hive?!

Dark Angel: As I said earlier. This fic is everything in between the interesting stuff.



Still, she continued to march towards Celestia, baring her fangs with a low hiss.



SC276: Topher’s gonna be mad, but SSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Topher: (eyes glaze over) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH! NO! GET BACK! I JUST BUILT THIS! (snaps back to reality) You forgot the “bang.” (shoots SC in the head)

Crazy56U: (grabs gun away from Topher) You’ll get this back when you learn to

behave...

Topher: I’ll show you! HUTTAH! (attempts to snap Crazy’s neck, but only succeeds in shaking his head back and forth.)

Crazy56U: You know, this is just further proving my point……

Dark Angel: I just gotta do it. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS…BANG!!!

Topher: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! NO! NOT MY NEW DOG KENNEL! (Snaps Back to reality) Oh, you’re going to pay for that you sunofva- (Pulls out a lead pipe and starts beating angel with it)

Dark Angel: This would hurk more if ik wasm’k for the fack that this fic is already eaking away ak my braim.



She walked right up to Celestia, cursing and mumbling under her breath as she began to use her horn as a weapon.



Scarlet: I’m so glad we skipped the entire fight scene instead of the explanation for Liquid Love. It’s going to be so important later.

Crazy56U: Aim for the jugular!



With twists and turns of her head, she jabbed at Celestia with her jagged horn. The movements were slow and sloppy. Celestia found no difficulty predicting where the horn would go next.



Crazy56U: That unfortunately proved to be false when she slipped up and let Chrysalis jab her eye out.

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “Oh my god, I shot my eye out!”



Chrysalis tried to raise her forehooves to grab Celestia and hold her still, but the sun princess just pulled away.



Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “I keep rolling low! These dice are bogus!”

SC276: Freakin’ fatigue penalties!



With the failure of her grapple, Chrysalis collapsed to the ground. Her chest smacked against the dirt, eliciting a cough and a gasp from the queen. Then she lay still, as if wishing to be just another corpse on the battle-scarred landscape.



SC276: Again, pretty close to that already.



Her breathing was the only thing that told Celestia she was still alive, and it was erratic. Deep breaths followed by stuttering short exhales.



Scarlet: You may in fact think this scene is on some level touching and sad. I respond by saying that the very next scene to follow will make us all hurt.

SC276: Well I know how it’s sad alright…

Dark Angel: Of course it’s sad. It’s in this fic.



The rage was gone now, leaving only sorrow behind.

Celestia could only stand and watch as the queen cried, letting the dirt muffle her voice and absorb her tears.



SC276: This is reminding me of when Lilo faceplanted herself and mumbled into the ground. And now I’d rather be watching the anime than reading this.

Crazy56U: Don’t even joke about that...



Celestia had consoled many over the years. She had known friends who lost parents, friends who had lost children, and other friends who had lost true loves.



SC276: How about riffers that lost all sense of purpose in their lives?

Crazy56U: (sniff) (sniff) Damn allergies…

Dark Angel: What’s this about having a porpuss in our lives?



Some bore the true misfortune of suffering all three pains of loss, but how did she console this?



Scarlet: I’m sure the closest thing to an immortal Equestria has ever seen wouldn’t know the pain of losing children.



Would any words ease her pain if Canterlot were to fall in such a manner, or would any attempt at comfort only make things worse?



Scarlet: Good question. What happened back when Discord was ruling the world, again?

SC276: A better plot than this.

Dark Angel: Then again, hocking a loogie and spitting it on paper would be writing a better plot than this.



But why?



Crazy56U: Pen Stroke. That’s why.



Her mind began to spin to try and find some reason for the massacre. Sombra surely didn’t hold such a grudge against Chrysalis. Did he attack the changelings because they allied themselves with Equestria?



SC276: But then why did he attack them the first time?

Scarlet: [Sombra] “Damn it, you fool dragons! I told you to burn down Ponyville! It doesn’t even look like that mountain!”

Dark Angel: [Dragon] “Well, it was in a mountain, so we thought it was Canterlot.”

SC276: Hey guys? Olympus is that way.



She wouldn’t put it past the corrupted king to lash out at any and all that would aid the ponies he was trying to conquer. Did he attack here simply because it was an exposed target? How did he even locate the hive?



Scarlet: Good questions. Let’s not answer any of them!



Could this have been avoided if Chrysalis had shared the hive’s location?



Scarlet: YES.

Crazy56U: But then again, we needed drama.



Celestia tried to think what she would have done in the past if she had known the hive was isolated so far south. At the very least, if they had known, the guards at the nearby watchtower might have seen the smoke and been able to report the attack occurring magically. Maybe then they could have arrived in time to hold the line, to at least, perhaps, save the youngest lives that had been lost.



Scarlet: Also, Celestia? I hate to point this out but Sombra just surrounded your damn country, seeing as he’s got a force at both the northern and southern borders of Equestria now. Has everyone else forgotten previously-established geography?

SC276: Will she quit with the what ifs already? I’ve already done the Willy Wonka spinach beard gag twice!



The princess had to catch herself. She knew such thoughts were pointless.



Dark Angel: Then why’d we have to listen to them?



There was no changing the past. She had battered herself with enough what-ifs when she had been forced to banish Luna. At the moment, her priority had to be getting Chrysalis back to Canterlot.



Scarlet: Which is why she hasn’t grabbed onto her and teleported yet.



“We can’t stay here,” she tried to whisper with the gentlest tone she could manage.



Scarlet: ~I know who I want to take me home!~



Chrysalis rolled her head to the side, to free her mouth from the dirt, but she did not look at Celestia. She just stared into the distance, looking at the battlefield from the perspective of one of its victims. “Why bother? The hive is dead. I have failed as a queen.”



Scarlet: I’d argue against this but, yeah. She kinda did. Though only because the plot gave her an idiot ball.





SC276: I still find it hard to believe Sombra managed to peg every changeling here. They’re crafty little bastards.



“What about the changelings in the north?”

“A thirtieth of the hive, at best, and I cannot take them from their post. That would break our little treaty.” She turned her head a little in the dirt, then spat on Celestia’s shoe. “This would not have happened if I had not agreed to help you.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Or if you’d actually taken military assistance the way I offered to give you?”

[Chrysalis] “Look, the only reason I’m here is for the love-booze!”

Crazy56U: No… No, I’m pretty sure this would’ve still happened regardless...



“Maybe not,” Celestia admitted. She took a seat, and made no effort to clean the green changeling spit from her right hoof shoe. “But I doubt Sombra would stop if he was able to conquer Equestria. Eventually, he would have come knocking at your door, bringing an even larger army than what attacked today.”



Scarlet: And bearing a bouquet of roses and a bottle of red raspberry dove wine cocktail water.

Crazy56U: Told ya.



“Then at least I’d have my pride. If the old queen could see this... or my sister queens. All of them are turning in the grave.”

“I did not know you had sisters.”



Scarlet: Hey remember when the priority was getting back to Canterlot? Fuck it, halt scene! Worldbuilding!

SC276: Again, worldbuilding only works if we care!

Dark Angel: Well, it’s worldbuilding of everything in between the interesting stuff. After all, that’s what this fic is. Everything in between the interesting stuff.



“It is not a fact I like to advertise,” Chrysalis said, letting her tongue lash out at Celestia since her body could no longer manage it. “We are a hive. We are unified under a single queen, but I am not the first queen of the Newland Hive, of the hive that followed the ponies to this new land.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “It’s worse than we thought. She’s bleeding background information everywhere!”



How could we resist when you founded this happy-dappy little country of love and tolerance? You were laying out a buffet.”



Scarlet: Um. But Celestia didn’t… fuck it. It’s all wrong.

SC276: I swear there’s like a poem or something focused around the phrase.



Chrysalis struggled, trying to raise herself off the dirt. She managed to get into a sitting position, facing partially away from Celestia as she surveyed the battlefield from her new perspective. “But the windigoes were not kind to the hive. A changeling queen is just as immortal as you. A queen only dies by injury, illness, or by her own choosing.



Scarlet: No, Chrysalis. Lay on the exposition harder. This fits so well with the mood of loss and grief the previous scenes were trying to set.

Dark Angel: And I’m pretty sure that does not define immortality. It just means that you can’t die of old age. The same can be said about jellyfish.



Age is never a changeling queen’s reaper. Yet sickness was the reaper of the old queen. She caught an illness in the windigoes’ blizzards before the hive could get further south. She lived just long enough to birth her successors, a royal clutch of twelve.



Scarlet: A competent author might have made this a flashback scene. Maybe a memory stirring in Chrysalis’s mind as she lies sick and exhausted in Canterlot, recovering from the loss of her people. Pen Stroke just has her blathering on. This thing had three editors!

SC276: “WE DON’T CARE! WE DON’T CARE! WE DON’T CARE!”

Dark Angel: I’d like to see what Chrysalis is talking about as it’s own fanfic. Seriously, it could be it’s own fanfic. SOMEBODY WRITE THIS AS FANFIC!



“Yes, I had eleven sisters, but there can only be one queen, Celestia.



SC276: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Crazy56U: Eh, better than Highlander II...



We changelings are not as touchy-feely as you ponies. I imagine that’s enough for you to figure out just what happened to my sisters.” Chrysalis turned her head, glaring down Celestia once more. “I didn’t have the luxury of banishing them to the moon to secure peace for my hive.”



Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “Oh yes, I know the whole Nightmare Moon myth better than most ponies even though nobody knew Luna was your sister until she had been saved.”



Celestia wetted her lips, trying to find some words to say, but what could she say to that? Thankfully, Chrysalis seemed entirely uninterested. The queen stood, some of the strength returning to her legs as she stomped at the dirt and looked across her fallen warriors and drones.



Scarlet: Yet another game of Starcraft, ruined.



“I bet none of them would have let this happen. I bet any of them would have prevented this. They were bigger. They were stronger. The only reason I managed to seize the crown was because I was smarter. Well, I’m sure not the smart one now.”



Scarlet: Once again. No Shit.



Chrysalis’s rage was devolving back into sorrow. Though she kicked and stomped at the dirt, the tears she had previously hidden now flowed freely on her face for Celestia to see. “The hive is dead. My hive is dead, and they died while I was sipping love with your fat ass.



Crazy56U: Well, at least she doesn’t have a Hank Hill badonkadonk… No, she’s… a fat

bottom girl. (cheeky grin)

Lord Shaxx: She’s my main squeeze!



That’s right, I called you a fat ass.”



Crazy56U: And she makes the rocking world go round.

Scarlet: ...I love you.

Crazy56U: Well, it was either “Fat Bottom Girls” or “Baby Got Back”. I took the high road.



Chrysalis’s legs lost their strength again, her flank plopping to the ground. She was now facing Knight’s Peak, staring up at the towering, equine rock formation.

“I wish I had died with them.”



Scarlet: I wish I could just gilligan cut from this to the next scene. Though the whiplash might be fatal.

SC276: I wish the fic had died with them.

Crazy56U: I wish this whole plot development never happened...



No further words escaped Chrysalis’s mouth. She sat in silence, letting the natural world fill the void where her words had been. Celestia watched and waited, trying to find words of her own. Finally, her mind began to grasp something, and though she was not sure how the kind act would be received, she began to approach Chrysalis all the same.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Coochie, coochie, coo! Who’s a ticklish Changeling?”

Dark Angel: [Chrysalis] “Uh…Celestia…Why are you tickling that dead Changeling corpse?”



If Chrysalis heard her coming, she didn’t seem to care. She just remained seated, staring at broken remnants of her hive. The gap between them was only a dozen steps at best, but to Celestia, closing that distance felt like walking a mile.



Scarlet: And to me, finishing this scene is like waiting in line for a Root Canal.

SC276: Or waiting during an instructor’s office hours for him to get around to you…

Dark Angel: Or waiting at the DMV.



Eventually, she took a seat next to Chrysalis and, with slow caution, she draped a feathery wing across Chrysalis’s back.



Scarlet: ~Consider yourself, our mate! We don’t wanna have no fuss!~



The touch of feathers made the changeling queen go stiff.



SC276: No touchie!



She turned and glared at Celestia, a hailstorm of rage building in her throat. “Don’t lie to yourself. You don’t care. You’re probably happy to see this. One less threat to your precious ponies. Get your wing off me. Get your wing off of me!”



Scarlet: This would be so much more heart-wrenching if I wasn’t imagining Chrysalis whining like a five year old. Sometimes the dialogue in this fic.



Chrysalis tried to shrug the wing off her shoulders, but Celestia did not relent. She, in fact, tightened the embrace, as if trying to shield Chrysalis from the horrors that surrounded them. “I am never happy to see a mother lose her children,” Celestia said, her voice firm but kind. “I truly wish we could have prevented this, and you will need time to mourn. But do not wish for death.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Seriously, the last thing I need is another Tantabus incident. Luna’s still in therapy.”



There are still changelings who need you. There is still a hive as long as you are alive and are willing to lead it. You can rebuild.



SC276: [Celestia] “Repopulation won’t be a problem; you’ve still got it, girl.” Also, they have the technology.



Equestria will help you rebuild. With Cadance’s invention, a lasting peace is possible between our two races, and together we can work toward a brighter future for both our kinds.

“Mourn the loss, weep for your children, but do not give up.”



Scarlet: Eh, I’m giving this bit a pass. This whole sequence really isn’t that terrible.

Dark Angel: Perhaps. But if you drop a diamond into a pile of shit, you still have a pile of shit.



Chrysalis cursed under her breath, trying to resist but failing. Her body began to collapse into the comfort of Celestia’s wing, and she weeped into the princess’s shoulder. And Celestia let her. She sat and comforted Chrysalis for as long as she had tears to cry. And when they were gone, when she had cried herself out, they began a slow flight back to Canterlot.



Scarlet: They were promptly intercepted by the dragon army which had decimated Chrysalis’s hive.



Much needed to be done. Chrysalis would need a place to build a new hive, someplace within Equestria’s borders where it could be protected. Celestia would need to commission a memorial, and send ponies to tend to the dead.



Scarlet: Um. Dragon army. It’s still out there. Defenses of Canterlot?



She did not know if changelings had burial rites, but she’d ask one of the drones in the north. They would need to be informed as well of what had occurred. They would likely want to rush to Chrysalis’s side, but doing that would leave the empire unprotected.



Scarlet: It has a shield up! They’d be fine! Also, there is an army potentially on its way to Canterlot!



Perhaps Cadance and Shining could be convinced to let Chrysalis stay with them for a time. Surely they could bury the hatchet considering the circumstances.



Scarlet: ...so many pre-readers. So few people who caught this. And the worst is yet to come.

SC276: You stock up the ammo. I’ll start building turrets. This is going to be the best tower defense game ever.

Crazy56U: I have a shotgun, that any good?

Dark Angel: Will F-bombs work?



~~~



Crazy56U: Thank fuck that’s over...



The gentle tapping on the door made Chrysalis sit up from bed. The days had streamed together since the hive’s fall.



SC276: Meanwhile, Twilight and her friends managed to intercept the enemy platoon and take them all out. As if there was every any doubt because friendship.



Celestia had brought her to the Crystal Empire, and there she had stayed to recover.



Scarlet: Yes, brilliant plan. I’m sure being around Cadance and Shining Armor all the time will be fantastic for her.

SC276: Especially considering they had to transport her, physically and mentally exhausted, across the entire country to do so. This is like with that fic and people running from the northernmost to southernmost points of a giant kingdom in a few hours!



Her few remaining changelings came to mourn with and console their queen. Cadance and Shining enlisted the aid of a psychologist to help her through the grieving process. The gestures were all made with the best of intentions, but the thing she wanted most was solitude.



Scarlet: Which makes perfect sense given the earlier worldbuilding which established that changelings have insect traits and live in hives and what.



Her changelings respected that. Cadance, Shining, and Dr. Five Steps



SC276: Thank god I can’t find any evidence from initial Google searches that this is a canon character.

Crazy56U: Cousin of Three Steps.

Scarlet: Have I ever told you that you have fantastic taste in music?

Crazy56U: (grins)



didn’t seem to know how to take a hint. The tapping came again, and Chrysalis’s brow furrowed at little.



Scarlet: ...there’s a therapist in this story. Goodie.

Dark Angel: Well considering this story, god knows how many ponies needed therapy.

Crazy56U: Whelp, I’m sitting out of this bit. (pulls out 3DS; starts up Smash)



“Doctor, if you’ve come with more ink blots, I’ll shove them down your throat.”

The door cracked open, and a familiar yet unexpected voice flitted into the space. “I imagine that would be difficult for him to do since you threw him, and all his supplies, in a fountain yesterday.”



Scarlet: ha ha ha aren’t medical professionals so out of touch with real human emotions ha ha ha ha ha.



Chrysalis rolled her eyes and lay down in bed, turning her back on her uninvited guest. “What, did Cadance tattle on me and ask the high and mighty sun princess to come straighten me out?”

“No, I had been planning to come visit for a few days now. It was only after I arrived that I heard about yesterday.” Celestia circled around to the far side of the bed, putting herself in Chrysalis’s field of vision.



SC276: What is with this story being terrible at telling us who or what something is at the beginning of the scene?



The queen just grumbled and flopped over on the bed, once more facing her back to the princess.



Scarlet: Moooom! You just don’t get it!



“Cadance tells me you’ve been leaving the room on your own the past few days though.”

“To escape the quack,” Chrysalis said, still refusing to look at Celestia. “He’s almost as dense as you are. No, I don’t want to talk about how I feel. No, I don’t want to participate in hypnotherapy. No, I do not want to go outside for a meditation walk. No, I don’t want to sing a song about my childhood. No, Dr. Five Steps, I don’t need a psycho-babbling nanny.”



Scarlet: ha ha ha ha ha ha these are all totally real things that psychologists do for grieving patients ha ha ha. Ha. HA.

SC276: Oh my god, this just keeps getting harder to read...



She finished her tirade, and for a few moments the room was all but silent. Then she heard, a subtle snickering. She sat up in the bed and glared down Celestia, who was trying to cover her mouth and mask her giggles.



Scarlet: Untold thousands are dead.

SC276: How has she kept charge again?

Topher: But the good news is we’re going to Dairy Queen!



The fact the sun princess was trying to hide her bemusement irritated Chrysalis even more, making her snarl and bare her fangs. “What’s so funny?”



SC276: [Celestia] “I just peed in their soup!”



“I’m sorry. I am just happy to see you’ve regained some of your fire,” Celestia said, managing to contain her laughter but not her smile. “It actually makes what I’m about to say easier. I believe it is time you begin rebuilding your hive.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “In other words, I’m telling you to get knocked up already!”

Dark Angel: Basically this will require a Changeling orgy.



Chrysalis's frown lost its fierceness, and her eyes drifted from Celestia and became distant. In her mind's eye, she could still see that battlefield. She could still see Knight’s Peak.



SC276: But can she see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?



“I... don’t think I’m ready to go back there.”



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Seriously, it’s filled with changeling corpses and ‘goo’. I’m not even sure if we were the source of that!”



“I am not suggesting we rebuild where the old hive was,” Celestia said. She got a step closer to the bed, and extended a forehoof to the queen’s shoulder. “My ponies and I have been working on a little something in Canterlot the past several weeks. Why don’t you come back to the capital with me, and I can show you?”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “We call it the day-care center. Because it’s where breeding happens.”



Chrysalis glanced to her side, looking at Celestia in the periphery of her vision. “Only if the psycho-babbling nanny stays here.”



SC276: [Celestia] “I’ll put him on the front lines.”

[Chrysalis] “Deal.”

Crazy56U: (looks up) Is it over? Good. (puts away 3DS)



~~~

The royal chariot landed in Canterlot, and Chrysalis arched an eyebrow in reaction to where they had come to a stop. They did not arrive at the castle. Instead, the chariot had come to a stop a few blocks away from the castle’s main gate, in a building that looked to be under repair and renovation.



Scarlet: At this very moment, Britannia burns. Seriously, what the hell happened to those dragons?

SC276: Obviously, all this mucking about with the changeling queen has caused Celestia to neglect checking her mail for Twilight’s victory letter.

Crazy56U: They’re on lunch break, obviously.

Dark Angel: Yes, a six month lunch break.



“What a dump,” Chrysalis said as she looked over the building.



SC276: [Chrysalis] “Nobody lives like this except college kids!”

Topher: This is getting a little too personal.

Crazy56U: Yeeeeep.

SC276: Blame Miramax.



It was a story shorter than any building around it, and looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in decades.



SC276: And now I’m reminded of that Disney short about the sentient house.

Crazy56U: ...“Get a Horse”?

SC276: No, it involved a house on a hill way out in the country, hold on, I’ll just Google it… Ah, “The Little House.”



The stone comprising it’s walls were a rough, dirty gray. The whole building stood in stark contrast to the clean, smoothly hewn white stone of the neighboring structures. “Let me guess, it’s some national landmark.”



Scarlet [Celestia]: “...er, that’s actually a dump. The landmark is behind it.”



“In a manner of speaking,” Celestia said as she dismounted the chariot and then stepped to the side to allow Chrysalis to do the same. “It’s one of the oldest buildings in Canterlot, the first griffin embassy.



SC276: Every time gryphons show up in these fics, I regret that there are multiple ways to spell it and they’re all correct.



You can tell by the architecture that the Griffin Empire was in the middle of a strong gothic period.



Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “I wondered why it was covered in black leather.”



It used to have some very lovely griffin gargoyles, but when the embassy moved to a new building the statues were sent back to the empire to be museum pieces.”

“So why didn’t you tear it down when the griffins moved out?”



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Conservation of emo. It can neither be created nor destroyed.”



“Because of a nasty little oversight in the original treaty the griffins saw fit to exploit,” Celestia said. “The treaty said ponies could not take griffin land, and it established the land the embassy was built on as sovereign territory of the Griffin Empire. Even after they abandoned the building, the griffins saw fit to maintain their claim to the land. For a few hundred years, it was illegal for anypony to go into that building without a passport.”



Scarlet: The griffins did this because.

SC276: Gheeze, even outside The Catch, gryphons are jerks.

Topher: To be fair, in canon griffons are jerks.



“You let them get away with that?” Chrysalis asked, craning her neck to try and see some hint of a joking expression on Celestia’s face. The sun princess was smiling, but it was not because the story was a joke.



Scarlet: No, Pen Stroke, I couldn’t figure that out on my own. Thank you for telling me.

Crazy56U: ...why would she joke about that?

Dark Angel: How would anyone tell the difference? This entire fic is a joke.



It was the smile of someone looking back on a previously annoying situation and seeing humor in hindsight.



Scarlet: Thank you sir, may I have another?

SC276: Um… Chateau la Broange, 1995?



Celestia opened the door to the embassy, stepping in and navigating her way through the restoration process. “I knew eventually the griffins would want something, and I’d be able to use this place as leverage in the negotiations. Still, by the time we were able to get the land back, the building was old enough to be declared a historic landmark. Thus, Equestria has been paying to keep it from falling down for the past two hundred years.”



Scarlet: That… isn’t how historical landmarks work. “This cottage is two-hundred years old! It’s now historically significant and cannot be torn down even if it is in disrepair!”

Dark Angel: Actually, there’s a wall near where I live that’s considered a historical landmark. It’s falling apart. But now it’s being put back together.



“And this matters to me because...?” Chrysalis asked as she followed Celestia further into the building.

“Because of its very unique location,” Celestia opened another door, leading Chrysalis down a long set of stairs.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “I hid my secret supply of raspberry jam underneath it!”

SC276: [Chrysalis] “I don’t think you were paying attention during scene 2...”



It was a part of the building that looked like it had already been restored. There were no lights at the bottom, but Celestia lit her horn as the pair descended deeper. The warm, yellow light revealed a tall pair of wooden doors, the kind you’d expect to see protecting the exterior gate of a castle.



Scarlet: And behind them was the boss room.

SC276: I literally cannot think of any other reasons doors that big would be underground.

Dark Angel: How about King Kong?

Topher: The save point and huge pile of ammo was also a clue.



Celestia came to a stop right in front of the massive door, a playful smile on her lips as she began to open them with her magic. “I believe you are familiar with the crystal caverns below Canterlot.”



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “So you’re telling me that all I needed to do in order to get my city under Canterlot was ask?”

[Celestia] “Yup.”

[Chrysalis] “Eh. ‘This Day Aria’ was still worth it.”



The doors swung inward, revealing a stone corridor glistening with natural gems.



Scarlet: As opposed to a cavern glistening with zirconium and cheap knock-offs.

SC276: ~I killed your goldfish accidently, just replaced it with another one...~



The cavern walls and ceiling were still natural, rough and unshaped, but the ground had been smoothed, leveled, and covered with stone tiles. Chrysalis and Celestia’s hooves clicked and clacked against the stone,



Scarlet: Fortunately, they reserved clopping for the X-rated sequel.

Topher: I can only imagine what sex with a changeling is like, not just because of the roleplay possibilities, but also because there are way more holes!



the sounds echoing into the depths of the tunnel beyond the light of Celestia’s horn.



SC276: Are we getting to the orgy yet? Why hasn’t that liquid love been splashed on someone yet?

Crazy56U: Is this going to lead to another scene of mass murder and death, because I’m getting that kind of vibe from this...



“You may recall that Twilight visited only a few days after I sent you to the Crystal Empire to recover from the loss of your hive,” Celestia said. “She visited you, to ensure you were eating and getting proper rest,



Scarlet [Celestia]: “I’m telling you all this because I assume you’ve forgotten everything that happened in the past five days. By the way, everyone you’ve ever loved is dead.”

SC276: That’s what happens when you don’t put stuff in the actual narrative.



but I also had her speak to your surviving drones and warriors. We asked them what basic necessities a hive would need to function, architecturally speaking. They were more than happy to answer, and with that information I decided it was high time to give this old building a new purpose.”



Scarlet: Then the building transforms into a giant robot, and I fly away from the story in it!

SC276: What happened to that Mobile Fortress mecha? Y’know, the one whose weapons were fueled by my pure hatred?

Scarlet: I’ve still got it, but I’m reserving my next use for Mykan.

Dark Angel: (shudders)



Celestia came to a stop at a four-way intersection, and motioned in each direction as she spoke. “The above-ground building to the west is being retrofitted to become an entrance for the new hive. To the north are a half-dozen large chambers that you can renovate to suit your needs. To the south are a set of smaller, interlocking chambers that would be suitable for your private quarters.



Scarlet: And to the west side we have the original members of NWA recording “Straight Outta Compton.”

SC276: *does the West Side Story finger-snapping thing*



Your changelings told us that you used to have quite the manor in the old hive.



SC276: But terrible manor outside of it.



“Finally, to the east are the winding tunnels and massive caverns of the old crystal mines.” Celestia called on her magic, strengthening the beam of light coming from her horn to push back the darkness shrouding the longer tunnel.



Scarlet: Apparently you can cast Magic Missile at the darkness.



“You can’t expand into that area just yet. Some of the deeds and subterranean mining claims are still being sorted out. It’s amazing how tightly some ponies will cling to something they’ve never used or seen once they find out somepony else wants it.”



Scarlet: This entire fic needs a Monty Python “Get On With It!” clip.

SC276: Just the clip? More like the entire extended routine.

Topher: Better plan, let’s just stop reading and watch the whole movie.



“Wait, you’re serious about all this?” Chrysalis asked, waving one of her forelegs around the air as if trying to motion to everything she had been just shown. “You're going to let me rebuild my hive below Canterlot, right below your precious pony hooves?”

“Yes,” Celestia answered plainly.



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Although we will reserve the right to collapse the tunnels at any time in case of a rebellion.”



“What’s the catch?”



Topher: We riffed it last week, and you DON’T want to know.

Crazy56U: I’ll take your word for it...



“There is no catch, Queen Chrysalis,” Celestia said, her words wrapped in warm, comforting tones. “This isn’t a trick, or a trap, or some secret plot.



SC276: [Chrysalis] “You said it, not me.”



By the magical treaty we share, I couldn’t deceive you if I wanted to. I want changelings and ponies to be able to live in peace. It’s only by working together we’ve been able to hold off Sombra’s assault in the north.



Scarlet: By the way, a dragon army attacked from your southern border and what the hell happened to that?

SC276: Yeah, by now, Twilight should’ve told Celestia directly. That platoon took a left turn into narrative limbo.

Crazy56U: Or the dragons have the same power Godzilla had in that godawful 1998 movie and are able to just vanish on cue...



You are an ally, and after these few months, I’d like to also say you’ve become a friend. And when a friend suffers a terrible loss, it's important to help her mourn and recover. That is why I’m giving this place to you.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “That and if I hand it over, I can stop pumping tax dollars into it.”



“Laying it on a little thick, aren’t ya?” Chrysalis said, stepping away from and turning her back on Celestia. “I do suppose I’ve seen worse places to build a hive. There’s a lot of space to expand. Could probably get a lot of bits for some of these gems. The neighbors are a bit annoying, though. There’s this one fat ass that lives nearby.



Crazy56U: Ohh, she’s gonna take you home tonight if you keep this up, Chrysalis. Right beside that red fire light.

Scarlet: But is Celly gonna let it all hang out?

Crazy56U: ...oh god, my brain just conjured a very bad image… (collapses to the

ground)

Topher: Crazy, If you’re alive say something. Otherwise I’m going to dispose of the corpse. (waits 30 seconds) Good enough for me! (douses Crazy in gasoline and sets the carcass on fire)

Crazy56U: (on fire) whyyyyyyyyyyyy



She’s an over-protective, goody-four-hooves, know-it-all, but she isn’t the most annoying creature I’ve ever built a hive near.”



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “That title goes to that one blue-furred mare who referred to herself in the third person, constantly.”



Chrysalis glanced over her shoulder at Celestia, looking to the princess through the strands of her mane. “You know some of your ponies aren’t going to be too happy about this.”

“You let me worry about them.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

[Chrysalis] “Ooooh, not bad. But you have to focus more on your diaphragm!”



Chrysalis nodded, and then began to smile as she turned her attention back to the cavern. “Well, if you don’t have any other options, I can make do.



SC276: I mean, short of actually leaving Equestria, we’ve established it doesn’t cover the whole continent, right?



I’ll need to pull a few of my changelings off the front line to help get things going here, but it shouldn’t take too long. Do you think we could put some of those love collectors of Cadance’s up around the capitol?”



Scarlet: Dragon army probably ate them all already. Millions are dead.

Dark Angel: Except for the griffins. They were too bitter.



Celestia stepped up beside Chrysalis, giving a knowing smile. “I’ve already asked Cadance to create a few for us to make use of.”

“Well, didn’t you think of every little thing?”

“I do try my best.”



Scarlet: Aaaand there you go. The closest thing to intentional flirting that’s happened so far. We’re more than two-thirds through a shipfic that ends in a relationship.

SC276: OR-GY! OR-GY! OR-GY!

Topher: Are you seriously demanding a sex scene in this fic?

SC276: We all know it’s gonna happen. Might as well do it now.



Chrysalis gave a single, barking laugh before turning and heading into the south corridor. “Well, don’t get too full of yourself. All I’ve seen is this entrance tunnel. If you’re going to really sell me on this little piece of real estate, I need to see the rest of the rooms. Also, I do hope you remembered the indoor plumbing. I’m not about to found a hive someplace where I can’t have a half-decent bathroom.”



SC276: Smart thinkin’, sister. Can’t argue with wanting a functional toilet.

Scarlet: What, we didn’t build that out of “goo”?

Topher: No, the goo goes in the toilet, the toilet is not the goo! What? Where did you think it came from? They’re insects, not spiders.



~~~

Celestia wore a stupid grin, as if every faculty of her normally deep and thoughtful mind had up and vanished.



SC276: That happened to us like two scenes ago.

Crazy56U: What, is she tripping balls or something?



She lay on a couch, sprawled out while she rubbed her face against the silken cushions like a dog trying to settle into a bed. “I lllllooooovvvvveeee this couch.”



Scarlet: Oh fuck me. This scene.

Crazy56U: ...okay, I was wrong; she’s clearly drunk.

Dark Angel: Or maybe she tried some of Cadance’s liquid love.



Chrysalis pulled the door shut she had cracked open just moments before, then looked to her left. Twilight Sparkle was standing there with a toothy, embarrassed, and partially pleading smile.



Scarlet: This scene.



Chrysalis herself was smiling a little, drinking up the situation. “So, tell me again how this happened?”



Scarlet: The liquid love was all leading up. To. This. Scene. And it happens after all the children are dead. It’s like someone replaced the last reel or so of The Hurt Locker with something from the middle of French Kiss.

SC276: So, we could remove the entire changeling hive getting decimated and this probably wouldn’t be changed at all? Also, are we finally getting the orgy?!

Dark Angel: Well, I suppose they have to repopulate the hive someway…



Twilight forced a laugh as she glanced at the door. “Well, Celestia and I were discussing the need to expand the front lines. Some of Sombra’s crystal dragons were seen near other cities in the north,



Scarlet: Where the fuck did that army in the south go, then? I don’t even think I caught that on my first read-through!



and we were worrying about how we’d defend them considering your changelings are already spread so thin. We eventually decided to take a break to work on something else, and I suggested maybe making a few more love collectors together.



Scarlet: Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean.

Crazy56U: Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Wink wink. Say no more.

SC276: What’s it like?

Topher: Rule number five, No poofters. Did I do it right?



After that, one thing sort of led to another, and Celestia decided to try some of the liquid love. Then she... started acting all... lovely... like that.”



Scarlet: Funny, I thought a love overdose would result in this.

Dark Angel: I’m almost glad it didn’t…almost.

SC276: It’s been months or something, and a pony never tried drinking it before now? Nor did the science/magic side of pony Tumblr figure out its chemical composition and its possible effects on ponies, which would’ve been helpful info because ponies have to be handling the collectors? Again, what if it splashed on someone?

Topher: I want to know what that link is, but I’m scared to click it. I get the sneaking suspicion that there is a porno at the other end.

Scarlet: You really don’t know me very well, do you?

Crazy56U: Not hearing a no, friend...



“And that’s when you high-tailed it to come get me. I thought you were Celestia’s number-one problem solver.” Chrysalis made a little pout with her lips and used her magic to pinch Twilight’s cheek.



SC276: I’m pretty sure characters in this universe that do that just fine with their hooves, ya show-off.



Twilight squirmed away, freeing herself like a niece from an overbearing aunt. “Well, I’m sure I’d be able to handle it, but this is so up your alley,



SC276: Twilight does not talk like that. … [Chrysalis] “Private, your assignment’s done here.” And it’s not lying because Celestia never asked.

Dark Angel: I’m not sure if I want to see anything that’s up Cadance’s ‘alley’...if ya know what I mean.



and I really need to be getting back to Ponyville.”

“Let me guess, she tried to kiss you, didn’t she?”



Scarlet: Hahahaha. It’s… it’s funny because her mentor who she’s known since she was a little kid is drunk off her ass and forced her into an uncomfortably intimate situation she clearly wants no part of.

Dark Angel: The irony is that there are too many fics that would actually do something like that and have Twilight accepting it.



Twilight blushed red as a beet, then violently shook her head. “No no, nothing... nothing like that. Nothing like that at all happened. Still, whoa, would you look at the time? I’ve got a whole section of books that need to be reorganized for the second time this month.”



Scarlet: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. HA. HAH.



Her words became more hurried, as if sputtering them out faster would let her escape.



SC276: Wait, does that work? QUICK, EVERYONE, RIFF FASTER!

Topher: (inhales mightily) OkIllgoasfastasIcansexjokereferencewittyremarkstatementwithdisturbingimplicationsaboutmyownsanityandprobablesociopathicnature (whips out a machine gun and unloads an entire clip ino Scarlet’s head) Weanyclosertobeingdone?

Scarlet: No, and now you’ve forced me to resurrect so many times in a row that I spontaneously dragged a hellhound back with me. On the bright side, I have a new pet dog! Scruffy will have a friend!

Crazy56U: ... (turns and looks towards the reader) ...your guess is as good as mine, I don’t know…

Dark Angel: Should I be ashamed that I actually paid attention to what Topher said?



“I’d better get going. Have fun. I’m sure it will wear off quickly. I mean, it’s not like love is the strongest force in the universe and about the only thing I’ve ever seen that’s capable of getting Celestia drunk. Just...



Scarlet: YUP. That whole damn thing about Liquid Love is in this story so Celestia can get drunk on it. Because apparently, normal booze would be a shitty idea! NOPE GOTTA HAVE RASPBERRY-FLAVORED DOVE WATER INTO WINE COCKTAILS.

SC276: Twilight’s seen Celestia try to get drunk before?!

Dark Angel: You know, that would probably make a better fic than this.



I’m-going-to-tell-Luna-to-take-care-of-the-sun-tonight, andthatCelestiacangrabthedawntomorrowmorning!”

Forcing her smile to widen to the point that it was about to leap from her face,



Scarlet: Insert Lesson Zero screencap here.

Crazy56U: Insert Jeff the Killer joke here… followed by apology.



Twilight took a single step away from Chrysalis. “So... goodnight!” Like her words had been the tweet of a whistle, Twilight spun around and sprinted down the hallway, leaving Chrysalis to snicker to herself before turning her attention back to the door.



Scarlet: Your kingdom is in ashes. Your children lie dead on its streets. An army of dragons has fucking vanished. You have not. Had. Closure.

SC276: Again, that entire bit with the genocide is pointless! The intention in terms of shipping was to bring Celestia and Chrysalis emotionally closer, but did you have to kill off an entire race to do so?!

Dark Angel: Well technically, it’s only most of an entire race.



“Oh, you ponies, you’re all just a little too innocent, but that’s what makes you so cute.” Chrysalis cast her magic on the door,



SC276: Wait, there’s different rooms, what.



opening them wide to see Celestia laying on her back, squirming into the soft cushions of the couch of her private study. “Good evening, fat ass.”



Crazy56U: And hey, look! She’s letting it all hang out! ...hey, the more she keeps

calling her that, the more I quote “Fat Bottom Girls”. (shrug)



“Chrysalis! Have you sat on this couch before? It’s soooooo soft.” Celestia flipped onto her belly, rubbing her chin against the silken cushions. “I lllloooovvveee this couch, Chrysalis!



Scarlet: HATE.



And I just... I llloovveee this room! It’s got so many books, and I just llllooovvveee books! Twilight loves books too, did you know that?”



Scarlet: Haaaaaate.



Chrysalis was struggling with all her might not to burst out laughing. Her cheeks puffed and her eyes watered, but she kept it in. “No, I—” She snorted. It felt like a laugh was trying to escape her nose. “No, I didn’t know that.”



Scarlet: Hey, Pen Stroke, here’s a thought. Why not put this earlier in the story? Just after Celestia asks what love tastes like? Then I wouldn’t be reading a scene from a rom-com which takes place after the massacre of an entire fucking species!

Dark Angel: Maybe this scene was supposed to come before that scene, but something just got mixed up.



“Oh, it’s true.” Celestia attempted to roll over on the couch again, but only succeeded in falling off. She landed on the floor with a thud, but the new situation seemed to please her just as much as the previous.



SC276: [Celestia] “Pain is funny!”

Topher: A mare after my own heart.



She began to rub and scoot along the floor, a smitten look on her face and a warm blush on her cheeks. “Oh, I love this floor too. It’s so smooth and cool, and I just love the color.”



Scarlet: Aaaaand the next thing she says she’ll love will be-

Topher: Lamp.

Crazy56U: Love?

Dark Angel: Death and destruction?



Celestia scooted up to Chrysalis before finally having the sense of mind to pull herself up off the floor. Still, she stood on her own four hooves for just a moment before leaning forward and almost collapsing against Chrysalis. “And I llllooovvveee you too! You’re my crazy friend.”



Scarlet: ERMAGERD DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.

SC276: I’m looking forward to Mykan. I’m looking forward to Mykan.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, man…

Dark Angel: Okay, SC. Just get your sanity…what’s left of it…together. Nobody, and I mean nobody looks forward to Mykan.



Chrysalis was cataloging every moment and detail. It would be sweet, sweet blackmail against the sun princess. Not for any monetary gain, but just to get her flustered when she was being too much of a stick in the mud. “Your crazy friend? Really?”



Scarlet [Celestia]: “Cuz, like, you attacked me in a berserker rage when you realized that your entire capital city got slaughtered!”



Celestia nodded her head firmly, not even realizing she was but inches away from impaling Chrysalis’s eye on her horn’s tip.



Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “You were planning to kill me all along!”

SC276: You’d think the changeling queen would be smart enough to maneuver around situations like that.



“Oh yes. Everypony else is so... bleh around me. Yes, Princess Celestia. Of course, Princess Celestia. More tea, Princess Celestia? You have to sign these papers, Princess Celestia. No more cake, Princess Celestia. But you... you just call me Celestia and I... I lovingly respect you for that.”



Scarlet: Twilight. Luna. I’m sure she has other confidantes we haven’t met. I’m kind of sick of this trope, where Celestia is so tired of being royalty that she falls madly in love with the first person to be rude to her. Also, Chrysalis calls her fat-ass.

Crazy56U: This could’ve been done a lot fucking better...



“This is priceless.”



Crazy56U: No it isn’t, shut up.



Chrysalis made no effort to hold back her laughter now. She was openly snickering, chuckling, and grinning as Celestia stumbled back, landed in another chair, and nearly knocked it over with her momentum.



SC276: [Chrysalis] “If I had a camera, this would totally be going on YouTube.”



“Isn’t it though? Friendship is priceless, and I llloovvveee friendship. And I love my friends... and I love everything about them.



Scarlet: Damn it, Pen Stroke! You’re going to wear out the Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge gag!

Crazy56U: Yeah, and I introduced that into this riff!

SC276: I’m still trying to repair the spinach beard gag. Gonna need more nails, by the way.



I mean look at you. I’d kill to be that thin. And you have those... pretty wings and... all those adorable little holes.”



Scarlet: And this just took a right turn into the fucking terrifyingly weird.

Dark Angel: I wouldn’t call it ‘terrifyingly’ weird. But yeah, that’s some weird shit.

Topher: [Celestia] “Ugh, I just wanna stick my horn in ‘em!”



Celestia’s voice went up an octave while she lifted a forehoof and made little circles in the air. “They’re just so cute and tiny and all over your hooves. I could just gobble them up like swiss cheese.”



Scarlet: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. I did not come here for vore!

SC276: Honestly, nothing’s going to salvage this. Might as well like a right turn into the bizarre.

Crazy56U: Don’t know about anyone else, but I’m treating this like an oil fire: I’m going to just let this burn itself out…

Dark Angel: Is there any other way to manage to get through this?



Chrysalis lifted a hoof and held her ribs, which were growing sore from laughing so much. She coughed, laughed, and then used some magic to wipe a tear from her eye



SC276: Can she not use her hooves for freakin’ anything?



before managing to calm herself down. “Okay, I think I’ve got more than enough to hold over your head for the next few centuries. Come here, Celestia. Let me take that excess love.”



Scarlet: Better yet, let me just take this scene straight out of the story. It’ll do you all some good.



Celestia stumbled out of the seat, and fell into Chrysalis as a giggle escaped her throat. She then looked up at Chrysalis, the pair locking eyes for a moment.



Scarlet: They were unable to unlock them and spent the rest of the day staring at each other.



Celestia’s whimsy seemed to disappear for a moment, and her stare grew intense. “And... you know what... I love your eyes. They’re such a lovely color.”



Scarlet: Well, how about that? Celestia’s love spree wasn’t just a matter of her being drunk! I find this completely unexpected and in no way the most obvious possible thing which could happen here!

SC276: IS IT ORGY TIME YET

Dark Angel: Seriously, this story seems to just enjoy teasing us and stopping right before we get to the climax! …wait…



“Sure,” Chrysalis said as she cracked open her mouth a little. Vapors of love began to seep off Celestia, a slow bleed of the excess energy.



SC276: If this is how changelings feed, how do they do it normally? I mean, like during routine operations. Someone’s gonna get freaked out if their loved one just stands there with their mouth open like that. I mean, couldn’t that work during a kiss just fine? Bit like drinking from a straw that way. Just saying, this method is stupid.

Dark Angel: Of course this story is stupid. So that makes this method on par.



“No, I mean it. You’re... very pretty, and I’m sorry that we ever had to be enemies. Sure, you were trying to take over and rule Equestria, but at least on some level, you were just trying to take care of your hive.



Scarlet: By eating people’s love and rendering them barely-functional husks. If you’re going to redeem Chrysalis can we at least not pretend she doesn’t do terrifying shit?

SC276: Barely-functional husks? Sounds pretty close to me right now.

Crazy56U: Just fuck, already!



You and me, we’re more than just a princess and a queen. You’re a mother, and I’m a teacher. You can look like anyone you want to, and I can move the sun. We’re a pair of pretty amazing mares and... and...”



Scarlet: In about five seconds she’s going to launch into “I Can’t Do it Alone” from Chicago.

Topher: Wait, so this is basically a parent-teacher conference turning into a mare-on-mare sex scene? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE OFFICIALLY STARTED READING THE SCRIPT TO A PORNO!

Crazy56U: Oh, dear.

Dark Angel: Normally I wouldn’t have too many issues with that. But the main issue I have is that the 75% of the story leading up to this could’ve been taken out and it wouldn’t have affected this part that much! Seriously, this story is basically several months of foreplay leading up to a few seconds of climax!



Celestia blinked a few times, and took a step back. The warm blush on her cheeks was beginning to fade. The blissful smile on her face was slowly fading into a concerned frown, and her eyebrows furrowed like she was struggling against a headache.



Scarlet: Oh hey, she just realized what scene she was in!

SC276: Huh. Usually the hungover comes after they fall asleep.

Dark Angel: Wait! Wasn’t there supposed to be an orgy?!



“That should take care of that,” Chrysalis said as a few final wisps of vapor slipped into her mouth. “So, do you want me to wait until tomorrow to laugh and ridicule you, or do you want to get it out of the way now?”



Crazy56U: Or, option 3: we all pretend this never happened...



“T-tomorrow,” Celestia said, blushing a little as her mind began to properly recollect all that had just happened.



Scarlet [Chrysalis]: “Well too bad, because you looked like a total asshole! Ahahahahahaha, oh man! Whoo!”

SC276: Who remembers what happens when they’re drunk right away?



She began striding towards the door, trying to outrun the blush of embarrassment growing on her cheeks. For a moment, Chrysalis was content to let her escape, but as she heard the doors open she couldn’t help turn her head and shout over her shoulder.

“By the way, I love that couch too.”



Scarlet: Hahahahaha, all your children are dead.

SC276: “Positive Force (reversed)” from VVVVVV is stuck in my head right now. It seems very appropriate.



Celestia slipped out the door and snapped it shut behind her, causing Chrysalis to laugh to herself for a few moments longer. She then looked to the one table in the room, seeing the mostly empty glass of liquid love. It seemed Celestia had forgotten to dilute the mixture.



Scarlet: see it was all foreshadowing for this totally necessary and tonally appropriate scene it hurts.



Even she, a changeling queen, would struggle not to be affected by such a high concentration of love.



SC276: You did just fine in scene 2. Pretty sure I already said that. ...In fact, I did!

Dark Angel: I think every scene in this story was written by a different person, and none of them knew what the others were writing.



Still, with a smile Chrysalis picked up the glass and quickly drank down the last little sip it contained.

The taste was noticeably different, and for a moment Chrysalis was caught off guard.



Scarlet: By the rampaging dragon army. Which is still missing.

SC276: [Sombra] “Where did that regiment go?! I can’t take my eyes off them to trap two guards with obvious bait for five minutes!”



The liquid love tasted of restaurant romance,



SC276: “No, you order first, dearie!”



but what she had just drunk from Celestia was love for another creature. It wasn’t true love, like Shining and Cadance shared,



SC276: Them’s fighting words with like half of everyone I regularly Skype with.



but it was a kind of kinship,



Scarlet: Weak. We all know this is ending in a relationship. Stop trying to hide it.



something that could grow into a more powerful love.



SC276: I just played the Plague Knight update for Shovel Knight, so all I’m thinking of is alchemy and awesome heart-shaped explosions.



It was also love of a certain orientation. It was a very interesting and unexpected flavor.



Scarlet: Well shit, I guess Macklemore was wrong all along. It’s not the “Same Love”, because gay romance just tastes different! Hahahaha, no really fuck you too.



“My, my, my, Celestia,” Chrysalis said,



Crazy56U: Fuck you for reminding me of “Mitchel”...



musing to herself as she set the glass back on the table and turned to leave. “I guess that would explain why Equestria’s only eligible bachelorette princess for a thousand years of lonely ruling never found herself a prince.



Scarlet: Because any single woman who isn’t gay will always find a man who’s a good match for her or will want to pursue a relationship ha ha ha ha ha ha no seriously fuck you too.

SC276: YOU get a fuck you! YOU get a fuck you! EVERYONE gets a fuck you!

Dark Angel: (deadpan tone) Gee, what a surprise. An MLP fic that has the main characters as lesbians. I’ve never seen that before.



Well, I can’t really blame you either. I don’t have a high opinion of the opposite sex. The only changeling ‘stallion’ I ever dated was from some hive across the ocean. He knocked me up like a bee queen and then went flying off into the sunset. I won’t deny, it’s what my species does, but he could have least stayed for breakfast.”



Scarlet: Speaking of which all your kids are dead. And this. Ugh. I. haaate.

SC276: Would you like a hug, orange juice, or both?

Topher: How about the sweet release of death? Would that help?

Scarlet: You know full well I can’t die. But all of the the above would be nice.

SC276: *fills your sake dish with orange juice and hugs*

Dark Angel: I’ve got some tequila, if you want to kill some brain cells.



~~~

“I think I know why the dragon attacks have grown more infrequent,” Twilight said. She, Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Chrysalis sat in the private sanctity of the Canterlot war room. “Over the past several months King Sombra’s been trying to wear down the Crystal Empire.



Scarlet: And perfecting the art of making the dragon armies he sneaks around the southern border disappear into narrative ether.

SC276: [dragon] “Sir, can we literally attack anything else, please?”

[Sombra] “CRYSTALS.”



I believe his desire was to take the city without causing a lot of collateral damage. The distinct lack of crystal dragon attacks in the past week, however, makes me believe his patience has run out.



SC276: Not just his.



I believe we’ll be facing a major, full scale invasion of the Crystal Empire within the next few days.”



Scarlet [Twilight]: “That and he shouted ‘Prepare for your doom, Crystal Ponies!’ as he flew by yesterday morning.”



“How certain are you of this?” Celestia asked.



SC276: How certain is a die going to land on a 6? By the way, it’s the infinity-sided die from Gravity Falls.

Crazy56U: (in the middle of chewing some gum) Hold on, give me a second…

Dark Angel: You know technically, an infinity sided die would be a ball.

SC276: You haven’t seen Gravity Falls, have you.



“Very certain, Your Highness,” Twilight said as she spread her numerous calculations, formula, and predictions across the table.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Did you just calculate troop movements using matrix math?”

[Twilight] “I have been very bored lately.”



“But, I have good news too. I think I know how to find King Sombra, and it may very well be the same reason he attacked Queen Chrysalis’s hive.”



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Turns out he had a gigantic, crystal-lined lair in the mountains all along! He decorated it with little changeling carapaces!”



Twilight called on her magic, forming figures in the air that began to resemble mountains.



SC276: [Twilight] “Initiating PowerPoint mode.”



In those mountains she made a picture of Sombra, a dragon, and a gold-filled cave appear. “King Sombra possessed a dragoness, that much we know for certain. However, even if the dragoness’s horde was over eighty percent enchanted items, that stockpile of magic should have run out a week ago.



Scarlet: Because if King Sombra lacks anything, it’s limitless amounts of evil magic and what.

Crazy56U: Are you sure he lacks what? I’m pretty sure he has some what left over…

Dark Angel: And how much who, where, why, when, and how does he have left over?



That means King Sombra has found some other means of fueling his army, and I believe that fuel is love.



Scarlet: What.

Crazy56U: B-but… ...isn’t that like trying to feed Superman kryptonite so that he’d be more super?

SC276: More like what Homura became at the end of the third Madoka movie.

Scarlet: ALL OF MY FANRAGE! *spontaneously combusts and revives*



As Queen Chrysalis can attest, significantly powerful love is a near limitless resource.



SC276: No wonder we feel so drained. These fics aren’t giving their readers any love.

Dark Angel: I know, right? I’m still waiting for the Sunbutt on Bugbutt action.



Also, if the lore and legends I’ve been reading are true, the crystal heart was carved from a very rare kind of gemstone located in the northern mountains.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Actually, they retconned that for fifth edition. Now it’s a divine artifact from the celestial planes.”

[Twilight] “Dammit!”

Topher: Okay, seriously. Am I the only one noticing a ton of D&D jokes lately?

Scarlet: Oh hey, you made a successful spot check there!



“I think King Sombra has found a vein of that gemstone, and corrupted it to some degree with his dark magic. I believe the gem is acting as some sort of magical converter. If that’s true, he could be mentally manipulating the dragoness to feel love. The love is then absorbed by the gem, where it is converted into a form of magic King Sombra can more readily use.”



Scarlet: We decided to add this plot element to the story because I’m not even sure.

SC276: OK, step one is hypnotizing the princess- er, dragon to feel love, which I oppose on a personal level so hard the ground I’m standing on is cracking. Step two involves feeding the love into the gem that creates magic from joy and hope, not love. Just… oh my god, how can I take the bullshit that spews from Catch and Mykan, but not this?!

Crazy56U: The more you explain this, the less sense it makes.

Dark Angel: Stop trying to make sense of it. I promise it will spare a fraction of your sanity. Granted, it’s a very very small fraction though.



“That seems quite far-fetched, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said. “Do you have any proof to substantiate your theory?”



Scarlet: [Twilight] *Dumps the transcript of the next few scenes on the table*

[Luna] “...Fair point.”



“I’m very glad you asked,” Twilight said.



SC276: We’re not.



She levitated a box out from beneath the table, and quickly unpacked its contents. In the center of the table she set out one of Cadance’s ambient love collectors. Then, surrounding it, Twilight placed several large piles of shattered crystal shards from one of king Sombra’s dragons. “Now, watch what happens when I grind down these shards.”



Scarlet: Wow, this scene is so neat I am just riveted and totally invested in it I am a sincere person look at me being sincere.

SC276: I think last week I mentioned the remote from Click. Still want that.



Twilight manifested a rolling pin in her magic and began to run it across the table. The grinding of the crystals was hard on the ears, but Twilight persisted until she had crushed most of the gems into a fine powder.



Scarlet: Spike snorted them at the last second, ruining everything.

SC276: She totally need an audience to do this.

Topher: [Twilight] “These crystals just saved this lame ass PARTAY! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!”

Crazy56U: Wubba Lubba Dub Dub in deed.



Then, she lifted up Cadance’s love collector, and with a careful touch of magic, withdrew a single drop of liquid from within its crystalline structure.



Scarlet: Oh I see we added the love plot element because otherwise we couldn’t establish where Sombra was in any fashion I mean he’s so inconspicuous with his fucking army of dragons.

SC276: Well it wasn’t like those two scouts could find him.



“This collector was perfectly clean before I brought it into this room. I triple checked it,” Twilight said before focusing her eyes on the drop of liquid. “This bit of liquid love came from these crystal dragon shards, meaning they were animated by either love magic or something derived from love.



Scarlet [Twilight]: “Or possibly that they all have a crush on Sombra, but I’m trying to avoid following that chain of thought.”



This is my evidence, and this is why I think King Sombra wanted to get Queen Chrysalis and her hive out of the equation.



Scarlet: Ha! What do you say to that, BEATRIIIICE!



“Changelings can sense love, and I imagine Queen Chrysalis can sense it over a very wide area. If King Sombra is in fact using love to fuel his army, then Queen Chrysalis can lead us straight to his lair.”



SC276: [Chrysalis] “Then how come I haven’t picked up anything already?”

[Twilight] “Because plot.”



“And if you’re wrong?” Chrysalis asked, the doubt heavy in her voice.



Scarlet: Then we’re condemned to a few more scenes of nothing happening. I hope to god she’s right. Spoilers, she’s right.



“Then you, me, and my friends fly around the mountains for a while, get cold, don’t find anything, and then go back to the Crystal Empire for hot chocolate,” Twilight answered



SC276: Hot chocolate sounds good right now, and I live in southern California and it’s the tail end of summer right now.

Crazy56U: Fuck, even just plain chocolate would be good right now, this story is burning me out… (starts nibbling on a Hershey's bar)



before looking to Celestia. “I can’t say for certain I’m right, but if I am, we could catch Sombra off guard.



Scarlet [Twilight]: “He only prepared like five separate back-up defenses for the Crystal Heart when we confronted him before, so I’m sure his lair is going to be completely undefended and totally safe to approach.”

SC276: [Twilight] “It’s not like he’s had months to prepare or anything.”

Dark Angel: Seriously, this fic spans like what? A year? And what has happened in that time? Other than the Changelings being killed, this story is the year of nothing.



If we wait until we’ve confirmed that he's committed most of his dragons against the Crystal Empire, then my friends and I can sneak into his lair and hit him with our rainbow power.



Scarlet: They can’t use the rainbow power directly on the dragons because *blows raspberry*.

SC276: So this is now explicitly after season 4. Which would’ve been nice to know before now!

Dark Angel: Technically, it could’ve taken place during season 4, because the rainbow powers were being advertised even before the season finale. In fact, I think the toys were revealed even before the season premiere.

SC276: In-universe, Angel. If we want when the fic was written, we have post dates for that.



Without him, the crystal dragons will either break apart or, at the very least, will be incapable of coordinating their attacks.”



SC276: [Twilight] “I mean, they’ll still be threats, being giant dragons and all, and they’ll probably be pretty mad and confused once Sombra’s dead, but let’s not think about that.”



~~~

“I’m surprised you don’t wear armor more often. It hides your fat ass.”



Crazy56U: (scoff) And you think you’re a prize, Chrysalis? Trust me, ain't no beauty

queens in this locality, I tell you.

SC276: Do you literally have no other insults?

Crazy56U: Sometimes you gotta keep a running joke running, friend.



Celestia turned her head, watching as Chrysalis came up beside her before returning her gaze to the horizon. The both of them were garbed in heavy armor. Celestia’s was golden, like the shining summer sun. Chrysalis’s was green, a rare kind of hardened goo made by her changelings for the battle to come.



SC276: Everything’s freakin’ goo with these guys.



And there was a battle coming.



SC276: Winter is coming.

Crazy56U: (smacks you in the head)



It loomed over them like a rumbling thunder storm.



Scarlet: Wow, some battlefield action in a wartime fic! It only took… wow, the majority of the story to get here!

SC276: Is it a shipfic? Is it a warfic? Who knows, let’s just put both together and hope noone notices both sides suck.

Crazy56U: Huh, the Weather Channel said it was going to be sunny...



Twilight’s theory had been correct. They had located Sombra’s lair in the mountains by the aura of love surrounding it. Unfortunately, the rest of her theory had been proven true as well. He had been amassing his forces for a single assault, one that could wipe the empire off the map.



Scarlet: Apparently pincer movements don’t exist in Equestria because that other fucking army still hasn’t been explained. Man, it’s almost as if the wanton slaughter of every changeling outside the Empire was tonally inconsistent with the rest of the story and unnecessary to the plot!



Twilight and her friends had to wait until that army had begun to march against the empire before they could try to sneak in to defeat Sombra.



Scarlet: Because fuck you, that’s why.

Crazy56U: Sums up the story in a nutshell, really. “The Enemy of My Enemy: Because fuck you, that’s why”.



In fact, for the best possible chance of success, they had to wait for the siege to begin. They had to be sure Sombra’s forces were committed to assault the Crystal Empire before going in to confront the dark crystal king, or the army could fall back to defend its master.



Scarlet: How does one besiege an army made up of giant, flying crystal golems exactly? They don’t eat or drink. They can fly over your ground force. I… argh. Argh argh argh.

SC276: A hive of changelings somehow managed to wipe out a whole squad of them, which is the only in-universe explanation for why they haven’t been mentioned since. We’re talking about Twilight Sparkle and her friends with Rainbow Power. These dragons literally should no longer be a credible threat.



The army in question was visible from the high balcony of the Crystal Palace. It was beautiful, despite the deadly danger it represented. Hundreds of crystalline dragons, each about the size of a horse,



Scarlet: So they’re adorable dragons the size of our main characters, then? Hasbro, I see a marketing opportunity!

SC276: Doesn’t that mean most of them are teenagers? Explains how they’re running on love then.



moved like a shimmering sea across the landscape. They’d crash against the empire’s shield like the wave against the shore, and it was up to Celestia, Chrysalis, Luna, Cadance, Shining, and their loyal armies to hold the line until Twilight and her friends could defeat Sombra.



Scarlet: Helm’s Deep, round two: The crystal-ing.

SC276: Wait. Oh you’re kidding me. You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. We’re staying behind with the force holding against the siege and missing out on another fight scene?! I’ve read the original fic of that… thing with the tiny Nightmare Moon, is Pen Stroke just incapable of writing things that are exciting?!

Scarlet: Actually if you consider the fact that his best known work is Past Sins then… yes. Yes and yes. That’s exactly the problem with all the war scenes. Pen Stroke doesn’t know how to write exciting.



“The way you’re always bringing up my flank, Chrysalis, would make some think you’ve got some sort of obsession with it. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“I don’t know. Do I need to mention a particular night involving liquid love and a couch?”



Scarlet: No you do not because I’m still not over that!

Crazy56U: I thought we agreed that never happened!



A faint smile grew on Celestia’s lips, the first to reside on her face that whole day. “You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

“Never,” Chrysalis said with a smile of her own. Still, as both of them looked to the horizon, the fleeting joy was replaced with cold reality.



SC276: No, if that were the case, we’d be in Gregory House, which has a chef that cooks you into his next meal if you insult his food and it’d still be better than reading this!



“I wonder if this is what my changelings felt like when Sombra’s forces were bearing down on Knight’s Peak.”



Scarlet: Oh hey, the story remembered that big, significant thing that happened. TOO LATE.



“I wouldn’t be able to say for sure, but I do know this.



SC276: [Celestia] “They didn’t have a bigass dome shield.”

Dark Angel: Wait, are you referring to the shield around the Crystal Empire, or Sunbutt’s fat ass?



Today, Sombra’s the one that will taste defeat.”



SC276: Stuffing it in his mouth like how schoolyard bullies stuff bugs into kids’ mouths.

Topher: Hey now, too many good bugs have died in this fic.

Crazy56U: Yeah, that was a low blow, man…

SC276: OK, I admit to not thinking that full riff through and I apologize to all affected parties.



Celestia lifted a forehoof, placing it on Chrysalis’s shoulder. “Today, we avenge all of your fallen changelings. Those six will defeat King Sombra. All we have to do is buy them the time they need.”



Scarlet: Meh. “Merry band of brothers” this ain’t.

SC276: That shield’s held up for months, and runs on genuine love. Those dragons are running on artificially-induced love born of mind control. It’s basically a bunch of toddlers trying to climb the Great Wall of China.



Chrysalis nodded, rolling her shoulders and ensuring her own armor rested comfortably on her narrow frame. “Just try to keep up. I don’t want a posh pony princess slowing me down.”

“You say that now, Chrysalis, but prepare yourself,” Celestia said, her horn glowing as she felt an old fire flicker to life in her heart. “I imagine that by the end of today, I’ll have changed your tune.”



Scarlet: Specifically to this one.

Crazy56U: (nods in approval)

SC276: Oh just fuck already. Or fuck off, one of the two.

Dark Angel: Actually, I vote on both.



~~~

The hexagonal barrier, formed in cooperation between changelings and ponies, held valiantly against the charge of the crystal dragons. Yet, the dragons’ force was unrelenting. They began to find weak points in the barrier, and they exploited them.



Scarlet: By hitting them for massive damage, I presume.



Hexagonal panels began to fail, and before the holes could be covered, some dragons would swarm in. The armies of Equestria met these dragons head on, smashing them to dust. But each dragon did not fall easily. Many ponies were injured, sliced by sharp claws or crushed under the beasts’ horrible weight. Those injured were rushed to the medical tents, far from the front.



Scarlet: Hey, remember when the Crystal Heart magically obliterated every trace of Sombra? This story doesn’t! Hahahahaha pain.



Not all would live to feel the healing magic of the medics.



SC276: The only reason I’m not dying right now is because I’ve got better things to do later.

Topher: Well maybe if they would stop camping by the engineers and moved up, the medics could do some more good!



Yet morale never faltered, for flying amongst the pegasi above were the beacons of leadership the ponies of the armed forces had sworn their allegiance too. Celestia and Luna fought with strength spoken of only in legend.



Scarlet: Unfortunately, DBZ: Battle of the Gods was playing in a nearby theater, and thus nobody paid attention to them.

SC276: Leaders on the front lines? This isn’t Sparta, for once.



With blasts from their horns they sent dozens of crystalline dragons crumbling to dust. They alone held back many of the beasts that managed to get within the barrier, leaving only a few stragglers for their armies to clean up.



Scarlet: So the ponies are winning because divine alicorn justice that leaves few enemies for the army to deal with, but ponies are dying all around, and argleflargleblargle I’m confused.

SC276: Why can’t we get to see what form Sombra’s taking, exactly, again? I’m actually not sure what’s going on with him.



Cadance and Shining waited in reserve, watching the battle unfold from the Crystal Palace. Their unified barrier spell would be the army’s means of retreat, should the tides of war turn too greatly against them.



Scarlet: Wait wasn’t the real purpose of this massive battle a distraction so Twilight and co. could reach Mt. Doom and deal with Sauron, I mean Sombra? Why not use the barrier spell and preserve your troops?

SC276: Well if the dragons aren’t busy fighting and dealing with a more immediate threat, it’s not much of a distraction, is it?



And Chrysalis, she and her changelings worked tirelessly to repair the breaches in the outer shield. She would use her own impressive magic to force back any dragons trying to cross a breach, and then hold them at bay while her changelings and some of Celestia’s unicorns repaired the damage.



Scarlet: Man, I’m sure that the massive death beams that can take out Celestia would be no help in smiting this army in the face.

SC276: That worked because she was souped up on Shining’s love for Cadance and wasn’t an expected result. Of course, we literally have their power source in drinkable form in this fic, so the only solution is CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Topher: *Pulls out a trumpet, begins playing the Popeye theme.*



The delegations of duties led to the battle leaning in their favor. The full force of the crystal dragon army was never able to penetrate the barrier,



SC276: Then how’d they’d get in in the first place?

Crazy56U: I’ve explained this: 1998!Godzilla-style teleportation.



allowing the allied forces to fight them off dragon by dragon. It was a long, slow, drawn out way to win the day, but it would ensure many of Equestria’s finest would live to return to the warm embraces of their families and friends.



Scarlet: “Many would not live to feel the healing magic of the medics.”



That was, until, the tactics of the dragons began to change.



Scarlet: On that day, ponykind received a grim reminder.

SC276: [dragon] “OK, we’ve decided that we do have enough autonomous independence to change tactics.”



Chrysalis had just finished patching a hole in the barrier when she saw it. One crystal dragon, a few rows back from the very front of the offensive line, stood up on its hind legs. The jeweled beasts had no eyes, no facial features, yet this one dragon had a green and purple haze flowing from its head.



Scarlet: And there’s the Colossal Titan I MEAN Sombra.

SC276: [Sombra] “Ladies, you are fighting on the front line. Did you think I wouldn’t do the same? It’s freakin’ tradition around here!”



That one dragon was staring at Chrysalis. She could feel its gaze even though it had no eyes. That one dragon had a murderous intent ten times any of its fellows, and every drop of that aggression was focused on her.



Scarlet: Please say he eats her. Please. It would be a mercy.

SC276: Kinky.

Crazy56U: Why do you want vore in this?!

Scarlet: Not so much vore as the sweet release of death. For them, not me. I gave that up a long time ago.

Dark Angel: And besides, insects are high in protein.



Yet that one dragon did not simply lash out at the barrier. No, it reached out for its brethren, grabbing hold of two other jeweled beasts. From that contact a chain reaction began to occur.



Scarlet: Final Fusion! Approved!



The other dragons were absorbed, becoming the first of many as the one unique creature grew larger. It consumed a dozen of its brethren, becoming as large as a true adult dragon. It then reared its head back and roared, a sound that shook the ground and the hearts of the army.



Scarlet: Super Crystal Combination! The ultimate dark being, Dragonic Sombra: Buster Mode!

SC276: Oh like ponies need more Power Rangers…

Dark Angel: Technically that episode was more along the lines of The Avengers or Justice League.



With one slash of its claws, a gaping hole was ripped in the defensive barrier. A single step, and it had crossed the front line.



SC276: When it seems the heroes are winning, everything goes to hell. Of course.



Chrysalis lashed out at it, trying to use a magical blast to force the dragon back through the barrier. The beast, however, was unfazed. It reached out for her, blocking her magical blast with the palm of its claw before snatching her up like some foal’s toy.



Scarlet: *munches popcorn* Okay, I admit that this bit is kind of fucking awesome.



Chrysalis shouted and struggled, fighting with all her strength against the grip of the crystal dragon. She was carried up, higher and higher until the beast was holding her in front of its face.



SC276: Someone’s seen King Kong recently.



She then saw something forming in the crsytaline reflection,



Crazy56U: You’re fucking me, right?



the familiar visage of a black coated stallion



SC276: To the surprise of no one.

Crazy56U: Except some goldfish.

Dark Angel: And they had to be some mentally handicapped goldfish.



“You die now, changeling,” Sombra said, his voice and will projected through the colossus of crystal.



Scarlet: Darkness FINGEERRRRRR!

Crazy56U: ...this is like hearing Silent Bob speak, holy shit...



The dragon then began to squeeze, and Chrysalis screamed. The air was leaving her lungs. Her body was beginning to fail. She was moments away from being crushed like some bug beneath a hoof.



SC276: We get it, author.

Topher: “She began to make humorous squeaking noises.”

Crazy56U: If Sombra was going to kill Chrysalis like that, he really didn’t need to

bother with crystal dragons. Just get a giant newspaper, done and done.



Yet, before the final crunch, a brilliant light filled the air, and the giant dragon’s grip loosened. Chrysalis felt herself falling, and in a moment she realized why. Celestia and Luna had come to her aid.



SC276: [Sombra] “Oh right, you two are still here. Why am I even still focusing on this chick anyway again?”

Scarlet: *continues to munch popcorn* Hey, you know what would’ve been great? This whole bit being near the start of the story instead of the end. Then we would’ve had ample fucking reason for Chrysalis to be grateful to Celestia, and you could’ve had your romance without any of this terrible tonal failure getting in the way! THREE. EDITORS.

Crazy56U: Are we sure that the “editors” weren’t actually a group of puppies and Pen Stroke just named three random people just to trick us?

Dark Angel: I’m beginning to think this story was written backwards.



Celestia, with the unbridled strength of the sun, had sliced the colossus’s claw clean off.



SC276: UNLEASH THE POWER OF THE SUN!! Contains 5% juice.

Crazy56U: But is it pulp free? That’s what I’d like to know.



Luna had then come in, swooping behind her sister to catch the falling Chrysalis and return her safely to the ground.

“Are you injured?” Luna asked once the pair had landed.

“N-no...” Chrysalis said, coughing as she struggled to speak through her gasping breaths.



SC276: [Luna] “That sounds like the opposite of injured.”

[Chrysalis] “Oh you’re not a riffer, don’t be so literal.”

Crazy56U: [Chysalis] “Just some massive internal injuries, nothing to worry about…”

[Luna] “Well, at least they’re internal…”



“I’ll... be okay. Just hurry and help—”



Scarlet: I’ll forgive the story if the next bit is Celestia summoning a massive crystalline pegasus golem to fight Sombra with.

Crazy56U: Yeah, but the budget for the fic has been stretched thin enough as it is, so that can’t be done, so instead-



The pair of them heard the smack,



Crazy56U: Celestia’s going to be knocked out of the sky.



a painful sort of sound like someone belly flopping off the highest diving board in Equestria. The truth, however, was far more terrible. In her efforts to distract the colossus, Celestia had been struck. Like a fly swatted from the air, the dragon’s remaining claw had struck her broadside.



Scarlet: ...or we could do that. THE UNBRIDLED STRENGTH OF THE SUN. *sighs and returns to munching popcorn*

SC276: Well she already unleashed the power of the sun, so she’s just down to the 5% juice right now.

Crazy56U: Celestia’s magic works the same way an iPhone battery works: from full to dead in a matter of minutes.



Luna and Chrysalis looked just in time to see a white form tumbling towards the Crystal Empire, where it crashed into the side of a building before falling to some unknown street.



Scarlet: Well, didn’t quite expect an opportunity to pull this one, but hey, why not.

Crazy56U: It’s raining mares! Hallelujah!



“Celestia!” Luna screamed, her wings spreading as she prepared to take off. But Chrysalis stopped her, shaking her head firmly.



Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “I believe I called dibs.”



“You have to keep that thing from getting any further inside, or this battle is lost,” Chrysalis said, pointing a hoof at the now unopposed colossus. “I don’t have the strength to hold it off. You do. I’ll go find Celestia. You need to stay here.”



Scarlet: So now Luna summons the mecha-pegasus-

Crazy56U: Again, budget, so-



Luna was livid. She growled and bared her teeth, but she did not protest. She turned to face the giant crystal dragon, body trembling with anger before she launched herself into the air. The battle cry she unleashed was like lightning cutting the air, and the following blast of magic sent the colossus stumbling back.



Scarlet: Eh, that works too. Story is now 10% forgiven.

SC276: [Luna] “Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck YOU!”

[Sombra] “One, that only works with multiple enemies, and two, boy you sure learned some interesting language in the last four-plus years.”

Crazy56U: That’s some Zero Laser shit right there...



It was a sight that rallied the army, bringing back the morale that had been lost when their sun princess fell. Yet, it was a sight Chrysalis did not see. She had turned her back on the battle, flying with all the speed she could muster towards the empire.



SC276: So, wait, they weren’t in the town proper, or…? He smashed a building earlier! Then again, this author has demonstrated no sense of space whatsoever...

Crazy56U: Well, considering you’re aiming for the ground, gravity should be helping

out a lot here...



~~~

Chrysalis found Celestia in a dark alley.



SC276: With ten-dollar bills hanging out of her pocket.

Crazy56U: So, does that mean Celestia landed in a dumpster?



Her fall had been broken just barely by a pile of trash.



SC276: That’s not a soft landing, author.

Crazy56U: Hey now, she was unconscious by the time she hit the ground; technically, it was a soft landing for her. Also, technically called it.

Dark Angel: And the author did say “just barely”.



Her white coat was marred with filth and blood. One of her wings was bent at a sickening angle, a sign of the shattered bone within. Worse of all, she was not moving. Even as Chrysalis descended to the ground below, Celestia neither stirred nor spoke. She lay, still as the dead.



Scarlet: It’s only a flesh wound.

Crazy56U: (pokes Celestia with a stick) ...eh, probably… (keeps poking)

Topher: I’ll keep a can of gas on standby.



“Come on, fat ass, if you die because of this I’ll never respect you again,” Chrysalis said, cursing as she used her failing magic to levitate Celestia out of the garbage.



Crazy56U: C’mon, Celestia can’t be dead. Chrysalis still has to take her home tonight.

SC276: Pen can’t honestly expect us to believe he killed her off before they fucked, right?

Dark Angel: If Celestia dies, then who will be left to repopulate the Changeling hive?

Scarlet: Wasn’t Celestia attracted to her primarily because of her lack of respect?



She laid her down in a clear part of the alley, putting her on her left side so there wasn’t any weight on her broken right wing. Instinctually, Chrysalis put her ear to Celestia’s chest and listened. It was faint, distant, and weak, but she detected a telltale sound of clinging life.



Scarlet: I confess! I confess! Here, pull up the floorboards! It is the beating of this story’s hideous heart!

Crazy56U: (pulls out a defibrillator) It’s okay, I got this! (chucks it at Celestia) ...fuck, wait, that’s wrong…

SC276: *starts building a brick wall* Cask of amontillado!



“Heartbeat, but no breathing. Okay, just got to get her breathing,” Chrysalis said to herself, trying to call on her horn but feeling her magic falter. She was spent. The last reserve of her love-fueled magic had been used freeing Celestia from the garbage.



Scarlet: Man, wouldn’t it be more convenient if she was right near a magical artifact which she had just stated makes an awesome changeling power source earlier in the story and wait a minute.

Crazy56U: Okay, that’s a lie, Celestia is still in garbage. And so are you. The story is still going, after all. (ba dum tsh)

SC276: [Chrysalis] “Shoot, how will I ever brush my hair aside again?!”



Still, Chrysalis did not linger nor panic.



Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “(running around in circles) WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO

AHHHHHHHHH!”



She had lived a hundred lives as a hundred ponies,



Crazy56U: Exactly a hundred? Bullshit.



and one of them had been as a non-magical nurse at a hospital.

She positioned herself quickly, remembering the simple procedure for rescue breathing: a simplified variation of CPR for when the heart was still beating.



SC276: I see we’re going for this cliché again.

Crazy56U: How simplified? Are you just going to pound on her ribcage until the plot dictates she should start breathing again?

Dark Angel: I’m sure Chrysalis will pound on Celestia. I just don’t think it will have anything to do with breathing… if ya know what I mean.



The first step was to position the victim. She rolled Celestia just slightly, ensuring the sun princess was on her back despite her injured wing.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Aaah, that is one satisfying crunch.”

Crazy56U: (singing) You got the munch. / The crisp and the crunch. / Livin' in the gutter with Grandma...



The second step was to position the head and plug the nose.



Scarlet: Chrysalis had at this point forgotten whether she was trying to save Celestia or finish her off.

Crazy56U: Well, old habits do die hard…

Dark Angel: Emphasis on ‘hard’. Nudge nudge, wink wink.



Third, provide the victim with two regular breaths, blowing enough air into their lungs to see their chest rise.

Chrysalis drew in a deep breath of her own then sealed her mouth around Celestia’s. One breath, exhaled into Celestia’s body until her chest rose.



Crazy56U: And then Celestia’s chest burst like a balloon.

[Chrysalis] “Oops...”



Chrysalis then repeated the breath once more, forcing just a little bit more air into Celestia’s lungs.



Scarlet: Oh Jesus we’re doing this trope. Kill me n- Topher, put down the gun. I can see you.

SC276: Please, I saw this coming the moment CPR was mentioned.

Topher: Aww come on, Scarlet! Can I at least shoot out your kneecap?

Dark Angel: How about we make this fic into a living creature and you can shoot that. would that make you feel better?



At this point, if Celestia’s heart had stopped, Chrysalis would have switched over to chest compressions. A quick check, however, confirmed Celestia’s heart was still beating, though the rhythm was still very weak.



Crazy56U: Just like that terrible Mario Party 3 minigame, the beat goes on.



“Come on,” Chrysalis said before bending down and forcing in a third breath. “Come on.” Another breath, another check of Celestia’s heart.



SC276: I’m starting to question why no one else has come to investigate the giant white alicorn that crashed into their garbage.

Topher: [Random Pony] “A war against crystal dragons controlled by Sauron is going on outside. This is honestly the least strange thing to happen to me today.”



It may have been Chrysalis’s paranoia, but it sounded like the heartbeat was getting weaker, more distant. She cursed and gave another rescue breath. Again and again and again she breathed for the sun princess, trying to keep her from dying in the alley.



Scarlet: Man, wouldn’t it be awesome if there were like, magical medics on this battlefield who could be called to assist? Who were mentioned right at the beginning of the previous scene?

SC276: I thought that too, but I’m getting the impression that they’re far enough away from combo-crystal Sombra that the medics are better used handling the injuries as before.



“Come on!” Chrysalis bent down again, her anger starting to make her movements sloppy. She sealed her mouth around Celestia’s, but this time her fangs closed tighter than she intended. The sharp teeth pierced the skin of Celestia’s nose, and with a sudden spurt the sun princess opened her eyes and began to cough.



Scarlet: I… well, apparently this story is still taking a turn for the vore. Right, I’m out.

SC276: [Chrysalis] “I just had to bite you?! Then why did I spend two minutes mock-kissing you?!”

Crazy56U: Well, if pain was enough to resuscitate her, then my joke comment about pounding on her chest makes more sense by comparison!



Chrysalis quickly turned Celestia’s head to one side to ensure that anything she coughed or threw up would not find it’s way back into her lungs. Still, through her own ragged breathing Chrysalis smiled. “Really? The thing that woke your fat ass up was because I bit your nose.”



Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “Heap big woman, you made a bad girl out of me.”

SC276: STOP READING MY MIND!



Celestia coughed a few more times before managing to open her eyes and acknowledge Chrysalis’s presence and words. “Well... I have a very... sensitive nose.”



SC276: And then Celestia was a Yoshi, I dunno.

Crazy56U: No comment.



Chrysalis wanted to be angry, wanted to shout at that horrible attempt at humor.



Crazy56U: Well, at least she thought what we were all thinking...



She couldn’t, though, because she was laughing. It started small, but her giggles grew quickly to loud, long laughs at the utter stupidity of what had just been said. Celestia was trying to laugh too, though her chuckles soon devolved into groans of pain as the injuries across her body began to make themselves known.



Scarlet: Wow. It really was my reaction to this fic!

SC276: That line’s not that stupid. Putting a giant Bowser between two walls of springs and playing the disco music, that’s stupid enough to laugh at.



Still, as Celestia laughed through the pain and Chrysalis just laughed, a bright light cut through the sky.



SC276: Aliens!

Crazy56U: THE RAPTURE!



Chrysalis turned her head skyward, seeing a rainbow twisting and turning amidst the borealis of the Crystal Heart before diving down to earth like a vengeful comet. The earth shook, and then there was peace and stillness.

Chrysalis could only shake her head as she continued to look up at the sky. “You six couldn’t have done that five minutes earlier?”



Scarlet: ...wait if Sombra was on the battlefield, why did they even need to go to his lair, and- fuck it. One more scene. It can’t be that bad, can it?

Crazy56U: (facepalm) Must you tempt fate?

SC276: I’m pretty sure Sombra out-gambitted them there. He joined the army heading out to attack the empire instead of staying behind at his home base waiting for the heroes to come rainbow him, like they thought he was going to do.



~~~

“It’s a lovely party.”



Crazy56U: IKR? You just gotta love a “This Shit’s Almost Done” party...

Topher: (chugging gasoline) WHOOO!

Dark Angel: (lights a match) WHOOO!



The changeling queen smiled as Celestia strode up to her. The war had been over for a week now, and to celebrate Chrysalis had thrown a celebration at her hive.



SC276: Took ya this long? Would’ve been three days tops if Pinkie helped.

Dark Angel: And also, the party would last three days minimum.



It was a chance for her to welcome home the warriors and drones who had been in the Crystal Empire for so long, and it also allowed her a chance to make a good peacetime impression with the ponies of Equestria.



Scarlet: Welcome home, drones and warriors! Try not to step on the corpses of infant changelings!



Celestia had been right, now felt like the time for changelings and ponies to live together in harmony.

“Well, I have to thank you for convincing Twilight and her friends to assist.



SC276: They needed convincing? To fight Sombra? For their country?

Crazy56U: They wanted out of the fic, Celestia convinced them to stick around.

Dark Angel: In fact, the only one of the Mane 6 that actually made an appearance was Twilight. The others were probably just extras.



I don’t know if I would have been able to pull it together so nicely by myself,” Chrysalis said as Celestia joined her near the steps to the newly opened changeling embassy.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Traditional changeling parties involve riots, orgies, and the ritual recitation of terrible poetry. This is a step up.”

Dark Angel: [Celestia] “Well, I couldn’t think of any poetry to bring.”



The party had started just in the embassy lawn, but over the course of the evening the festivities had spilled into the street, becoming something just short of a block party.



Scarlet: Yes. Block party. Because that’s all you’d have celebrating after winning a mother-fucking war. The hell?

SC276: At least a giant-ass feast. That’s, like, minimum wage for killing a giant evil crystal Sombra.



“Well, they do good work, whether it's stopping evil villains or assisting with a wedding.”

Chrysalis chuckled at Celestia’s attempted jab. “I seem to recall a day they managed to do both at nearly the same time.”



Scarlet: Oh, that wacky self-aware humor!

SC276: Actually, it was Cadance and Shining that did the “stopping evil villain” part that day.



“Ah, she wasn’t really much of a villain,” Celestia said with a shrug. “She was more an overworked mother with too many mouths to feed.”



Scarlet: Good thing Sombra murdered most of them! That solved the problem!

Topher: And the moral of the story is: Everything gets better with murder.

Crazy56U: (facepalm)



“Overworked, underpaid, and sore all over,” Chrysalis said before swigging back the last of her drink, water with a double shot of liquid love. “The joys of being royalty.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Celestia said before tipping back a beverage of her own, a fruity number that may have had just a bit of liquid love as well. “Still, it is a nice party.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Although I do worry about Pinkie’s decision to carve crystal dragon corpses into festive sculptures. It runs a little macabre.”

[Chrysalis] “I rather approve.”



Chrysalis nodded as she turned and took a step towards the doors of the embassy. “Yeah, but I’m kind of partied out. Hey, follow me for a second. I’ve got something to show you.”



SC276: Insert that scene from The Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat here.

Crazy56U: I take it you mean this?



Though she hesitated for just a moment, Celestia did fall in line behind Chrysalis. The pair entered the embassy, passed two changelings standing guard, and began to descend into the hive proper. It was almost a reverse of the first day Chrysalis saw the place that was to be her new home. She was in the lead now, taking Celestia to see something the princess would never expect.



Scarlet: NO THANKS FOR TELLING ME PEN STROKE I COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE PROCESSED THE ACTION IN THAT SCENE IF YOU HADN’T DEFINED IT AGAIN ARGH. Three. Editors.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a Diet Coke) Friend, do you need a drink or something?

Scarlet: *breaks down crying on Crazy’s shoulder*

Crazy56U: ...so, no? ...I’ll take it as a no. (chugs the Diet Coke)



They got to the hive’s main corridor, reached the first intersection, and then headed north. They passed a few of the larger chambers, which Chrysalis’s changelings had filled with pods and hexagonal cells for her changelings to sleep in. It still wasn’t quite home, but they’d be able to build more accommodating apartments once they could start expanding into the rest of the crystal mines.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “And over there is where I plan to put our kidnapping victims!”



Before the final battle had broken out, Celestia had said she was only one deed away from being able to turn ownership of the entire mine and cavern system to the changelings.

“Where are we going, Chrysalis?” Celestia asked.



Scarlet: Damn, used that last joke a couple sentences too early.

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “To the Fun Chamber!”

SC276: Room 101.



“Just to the last chamber on the right,” Chrysalis answered, the pair needing to take only a few dozen more strides to reach their destination.



SC276: Second star to the right and straight on til morning.



Chrysalis opened the doors ahead of them, then let Celestia head in first before following a few steps behind.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Huh, an open pit, very funnyyyyyyyyyyyy…!”

[Chrysalis] “Isn’t it, though?”



The room was a sight to behold. The walls of the relatively small space were lined with changeling goo.



Topher: [Chrysalis] “Wait, I meant left. This is the men’s room.”



Dozens of small changelings pods dotted the surface of the walls like the sprinkles on frosting, and in the floor were a few large vats of warm, liquid goo. It was a layout Celestia had seen, and as her mind recognized the shape she looked back at Chrysalis, an awestruck smile spreading onto her face.



Scarlet: Hurray new babies an- wait, what? When did she pull that off? She’s their biological mother!

SC276: Dayum, girl, you been busy this last week.

Dark Angel: …wait…did we just skip over the orgy? The one we’ve been expecting for the entire fic?! Talk about a major cock-block!



“Chrysalis, is this what it looks like?”

“It is,” she answered as she came up beside Celestia and looked across the room. “It’s the first brood of the new hive: about two dozen new changelings. This is maybe the one part of our lives where we’re a lot like ponies.



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “Except for all the times we shapeshift in order to blend in with ponies.”

Crazy56U: [Chrysalis] “And the swiss cheese legs.”

Dark Angel: [Chrysalis] “And the fact that a single pony doesn’t have two dozen foals at one time.”



We don’t have a larval stage like some would have you believe. The cocoons are our wombs, and we grow a little faster, but when a changeling comes out it’s just about the same size and weight of a pony foal. I’d say it’s a lot cuter too, but then I might be biased.”



Scarlet: Wait so… *brain stops computing and shuts down*

Crazy56U: ...fuck it, I’m lost too, what?

SC276: I followed it just fine, actually. It’s stating that, unlike most bugs even though they’re half-bug, changelings don’t have a larval form like a caterpillar. They also are apparently born slightly more physically developed than ponies, apparently. … Why am I seemingly the only one capable of following this fic’s logic?

Crazy56U: ...you just answered your own question.

Scarlet: SC, you’re a changeling! It all makes no sense!

SC276: Yeah, if I was a changeling, I’d be starving because this fic’s not giving me any love.



Celestia turned and pulled Chrysalis into a hug. The abrupt embrace made some of the sore spots on Chrysalis’s body flare with pain, but she ignored the sharp stabs and hugged Celestia in return. “I’m so happy for you,” Celestia finally said when the two separated.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “I’ll have to get Pinkie to organize about a hundred baby showers now, though.”



“Well, I don’t think they or I’d be here without you. Without this little alliance, I’d have probably been wiped out with the old hive, and I don’t think either one of us want to imagine what would have happened to Equestria.”



SC276: Given the love navigation turned out to be completely pointless since Sombra went to them- oh right the shield thing at the beginning. Forgot about that, I think my brain’s eating itself for sustenance.

Dark Angel: Or just trying to make itself go brain dead to save you from this pain.



Chrysalis smiled as she looked over the pods of her unborn changelings. “I’m really glad I came to the negotiation table that day.”



Scarlet: And what happened to “it’s your fault I got att-”... fuck it. Almost over.



“As am I,” Celestia said, her lips wearing a warm smile similar to Chrysalis’s. “I still can’t stand Discord sometimes, even if he is reformed, but in you I feel like I’ve found a real friend.”



Dark Angel: By the way, WHERE THE FUCK WAS DISCORD IN ALL OF THIS?!! Discord’s power would’ve been a big help in all of this. In fact, Discod probably could’ve saved all of those Changelings that got killed! This all could’ve been ended sooner and we could’ve seen Sunbutt and Bugbutt having sex by now!



“Yes, but... how’d you like something a little more?” Chrysalis asked, her smile getting just a little sinister.



Scarlet: Then she drained Celestia’s love dry and conquered the world THE END.

Crazy56U: They gonna fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

SC276: Do it! Do it! Fucking do it! *reels and slams into the wall*

Dark Angel: DAMNIT! We’ve waited…what…fourteen thousand words for this?



Celestia blinked once then tilted her head a little to one side. “What do you mean?”



Crazy56U: “Fuck” in this context means “have sex”, Celestia, sorry if that confused

you...



“Well, let me be honest, Celestia. When you got yourself drunk on love, I had to siphon off the excess. That let me get a good taste of just what kind of love rolls around in that pretty head of yours. To put it another way, I don’t think the liquid love was the only thing talking when you were complimenting me on my eyes.”



Scarlet: [Chrysalis] “The truth is.. you love the color green!”

[Celestia] *gasps in shock*

SC276: Isn't that the equivalent of looking in someone else’s diary?



“Now, Chrysalis, I was... I had no idea—” Celestia tried to say, only to be cut off when Chrysalis placed a hoof against her lips.

“Yes, I think you are attracted to a particular kind of figure, and I’m honestly impressed you’ve kept your preferences hidden for so long. I would have thought somepony in your precious little kingdom would have realized their dear Princess Celestia prefers mares over stallions, but then again you don’t let your little ponies get that intimate with you.



Scarlet: We’re seriously making a big deal of the “this is a gay ship” thing, aren’t we. Straight authors, why the hell do you keep doing that? It’s not that weird!

Topher: The population has a 3:1 female-to-male ratio. Of course there would be some lesbians.

Scarlet: You do know that’s fanon, right?



Maybe you’re just scared of it, or maybe it’s a lesson you learned once. In any case, we both know that when an immortal loves a mortal, the pain of loss is almost entirely unavoidable. That alone makes me wonder how long it has been since you’ve been held by a lover. In fact, tell me, Celestia, are you virgin?”



Scarlet: Now that’s romantic.

Crazy56U: (in a Wiseau-ian accent) Anyway, how’s your sex life?

SC276: They’re also doing this in the nursery, mind.

Dark Angel: The first memories those Changelings will have of Celestia is of her bangin’ their mother.



Celestia’s face was beginning to turn a bright red.



SC276: Fuck, she’s gonna blow! Get her away from the babies!



She was being read like an open book and couldn’t do anything to stop it. Still, Chrysalis continued, her smile only growing as she continued to look Celestia dead in the eye.

“Now, as a changeling, I don’t put a lot of stock in appearance.



SC276: Has Pen literally forgotten that, as shapeshifters, they put a lot of stock in appearance?

Dark Angel: Well, that’s for disguising themselves. But among themselves, they don’t put stock into their natural appearance.



What attracts me to anybody is the taste of their love and their lips. Now Celestia, I’ve gotten a sample of both from you. I drank of your love that one night, and though it was to save your life, I also got a taste of your lips last week.



Dark Angel: [Celestia] “And I’ve got the scar to prove it.”

Scarlet: And they tasted of battlefield muck and blood, seeing as she’d just been backhanded into an alleyway at the time.

SC276: Neither of which required the mass slaughter of the changeling race.



“So, allow me to be perfectly forward,” Chrysalis said, closing the gap between her and Celestia till their faces were just a breath apart. “Right now, of the immortal mares in Equestria, one is your sister, one is your niece, one is your student, and then there’s me.



Scarlet: Once again, I’m reduced to an anime reference joke.

Crazy56U: And once again, it goes over my head...



I can’t say if anything between us will be more than a passing interest. For all I know, we’ll start driving each other crazy again within a week.



SC276: We drive each other crazy every week, and yet we’re all still here! ...I think someone spiked my orange juice.

Scarlet: Sorry. I wanted to test this free sample of gentle dove water wine cocktail. Apparently this one was from the distiller I had installed over our heads at the start of the riff.

SC276: Wait, how did…? How are we possibly emitting any love right now? We’re bored and angry.



“But I do know this, Celestia.” Chrysalis leaned in even closer, bringing her mouth to the princess’s ear to whisper gently. “When you weren’t breathing, that was the first time I truly feared for something that wasn’t myself or my hive. You’ve left your mark on me, and because of you, my hive and I have a brighter future than we’ve ever had before. Call it selfish, but I think you’re good for me, Celestia, and I want more. That leaves just one question. Are you interested?”



Scarlet: I’m not.

SC276: I think this is the first time it’s taking me nearly the whole week to get my initial riffs out. If that doesn’t say how little my interest is, nothing will.

Dark Angel: It’s not taking me an entire week to get my riffs out. I just came in a few days late. I only had about four days. But considering, I am being pressed to the limit.



Chrysalis leaned back out, her smile widening a little at the dumbfounded look on Celestia’s face. It had probably been centuries since anypony had dared speak with such forwardness to the princess.



SC276: Apparently the rebellions are less common than the fans believe...



Still, the blush on Celestia’s cheeks deepened, and though she tried, she could not look away from Chrysalis. She licked her lips a few times, swallowed once, then licked her lips again.



SC276: Two words, lady: chapstick.



It was the longest Chrysalis had ever seen Celestia struck silent.



Scarlet: Other than that time she knocked her unconscious and imprisoned her in a goop cocoon, that is.



“W-what about my fat ass?” Celestia asked, though her blush only deepened at the flimsy attempt to cut through tension.

“Yes, it is fat, but I never said I didn’t like that,” Chrysalis said as she leaned back in into her personal space.



Crazy56U: Like I said before, Celestia makes the rocking world go round. And

Chrysalis likes that shit.



“I—“ Celestia cleared her throat, trying to regain her composure while, at the same time, not making any attempt to step away from Chrysalis. “I do enjoy your company, and I cannot deny that you have certain traits I do find attractive. I just…



SC276: [Celestia] “Do we really have to do this in front of all your unborn kids?”



would you really want to attempt a more intimate relationship?”



Crazy56U: JUST KISS HER, YOU FOOL!



“One thing I know as a changeling, Celestia, is sometimes the only way to know is to take the plunge.” With that Chrysalis closed the last distance between the pair, pressing her lips against Celestia’s.



Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, finally…

SC276: Oh my god, that was excruciating.

Dark Angel: IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!



She could taste those lips once more, this time clean and without the oppressing cloud of battle distracting her from the taste.



SC276: Or garbage. Don’t forget garbage.



Perhaps it was a lip balm, or something more natural, but the sweet smells and flavors of a fresh summer day assaulted Chrysalis’s senses as the pair locked lips.



Scarlet: Oh thank god we’re almost over. Please tell me there’s no unrated content I forgot about.

SC276: If there’s not an orgy, I’m going to be even more disappointed than I already am.



They kissed for a few moments before separating, and this time even Celestia was smiling. “Well, I do believe we have an understanding,” Celestia said, finally managing to break eye contact with Chrysalis.

The turn of phrase drew a memory out of the depths of Chrysalis’s mind, causing her to chuckle. “You’re not going to make me sign a treaty now, are you?”



Crazy56U: Well, all it would take is one quick Burger King run…



Celestia couldn’t help but snicker before looking back at the queen. “Well, only if you stop calling me fat ass.”



Crazy56U: I’m cool with that, I think if I referenced “Fat Bottom Girls” one more time, I would’ve gotten shot… ...so, let’s get on our bikes and rid- (BANG)

Lord Shaxx: You got blood on my suit.

Topher: (shoots Lord Shaxx in the head) Only I get to shoot my friends, BIATCH! Or, well, I guess we’ve never met outside of this place, so... colleagues? Co-workers? Fellow POWs?

SC276: That second-to-last one seems about right.

Dark Angel: How about ‘riffing acquaintances’?



=====================================================================

The End

=====================================================================

Author's Note:



Crazy56U: “I’m sorry.”

SC276: WHERE’S MY ORGY?!



If you notice any typos, please send them along to me in a private message. I usually fix them as promptly as I can.



Crazy56U: Uh huh… and what about the other problems?

Scarlet: Thank FUCK, I’m finally finished! This took me longer to force myself through than the last fucking Mykan riff! I can’t believe I suggested this!

Crazy56U: Well, if I had my way, we would’ve riffed on “Sister Dash” instead of this…

Scarlet: Does “Sister Dash” have a giant crystal dragon mecha fight in it? Because I’ll totally endorse it next time if so.

Crazy56U: ...yes it does, my friend. Yes it does…

Scarlet: Just remember, if you lie to me I’ll do terrible things to everyone present. Just. This fic. Nothing works! Nothing! Maybe Crystal Dragon Sombra, and I think that was sheer accident! Three editors, and nobody caught the plot holes of a disappearing army or the awkwardness of placing a good chunk of the ‘humorous’ scenes after a massive attempted xenocide!

SC276: Yeah, this was painful, actually! I can laugh off The Catch. I can cope with Mykan. But this felt like more of an eternity than… nothing, almost! It’s so freakin’ dull. Crystal Dragon Sombra was literally the only decent part. The talking about how Chrysalis came into power just after dealing with the massacre reminds me of a bit from the Nostalgia Critic review of The Last Airbender movie. Speaking of the massacre, it’s the most unnecessary thing; the only thing it directly influences is getting the changelings set up under Canterlot later, and honestly I can’t see any of the ending being all that much different if Chrys and Sunbutt just went to the hive after the party. It was handled so poorly, I couldn’t be bothered to care all that much. Also, liquid love isn’t used enough. It’s just to get Celestia drunk when just plain freakin’ wine would do. We don’t see any of its interesting applications for things outside changeling birdseed. Again, effects of splashing! Key component of aphrodisiacs, maybe! If you’re going to come up with magic mumbo jumbo that’s not in the canon, freakin’ explore it! And don’t claim that they can’t take the thing straight when Chrysalis does the first time it appears!

Scarlet: Speaking of which, I just realized I’ve been drinking your spiked orange juice this whole time and it’s done nothing to me. I feel absolutely nothing, nothing except… hey why’s the room so...big…. *giggles*...and SC’s so… hmmmm...I really love you guys….and if I see you within thirty feet of another living being I’m going to murder all of you in your sleep! *giggle*

SC276: ...So, are you or are you not counting all of us being within thirty feet of each other right now, or do I not want to know?

Scarlet: So you are. Yay, an excuse for a yandere-inspired murder spree! And Topher was kind enough to leave me a machine gun!

SC276: OK, I didn’t want to know. Leaving now before this turns into that alpha that Markiplier played and I got bored of halfway into the episode. *makes a hasty retreat*

Crazy56U: After a point, I just gave up and started skipping around in the story. Fuck, this could’ve been done so much better… Just… ...argh. (pinches bridge of nose)



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Wow, it’s been three whole months since we started all this back up. Fallen, did you ever expect it to last this long with a weekly release schedule?

Fallen Prime: Honestly, no. We’ll see how long this goes on for now that school’s a thing again.

RingmasterJ5: True, that’ll be a bit of a factor. But anyway, this week’s fic comes from the same place we got all three(counting the double feature) of our last first-of-the-month fics.

Fallen Prime: Ah, Fanfiction.net. You truly are the gift that keeps on giving, whether we want you to or not.

RingmasterJ5: More specifically than that, shitty fanfics posted there in 2012 that involve human OCs that 75% of the time are trying to fuck canon ponies. For whatever reason this really specific genre brings us some of the absolute worst the site has to offer. This one is a kind I’ve come to know as “boring wish fulfillment with random spurts of insanity”.

Fallen Prime: I looked it up just now so I could credit the author, and I discovered that this mess has a sequel. About his kids.

RingmasterJ5: Which I would have run as a double-feature if it wasn’t one short unfinished chapter.

Fallen Prime: Two, actually. But the sequel’s abandoned, and this fic’s long enough to fill up its own slot without the extra baggage, so we’ll just do the sensible thing and act like it’s not a thing.

RingmasterJ5: The more sensible thing would be to act like both of them aren’t things, but if we did that we wouldn’t be here. But this intro is getting too long, so without further ado, “Baron Silver” by Blackwaterpony.



Chapter 1



RingmasterJ5: Oh, and one last thing… without spoiling it, this fic is misrated. It’s listed as “teen” on FFNet, but… well, you’ll just have to find out yourselves.

SC276: That means there’s going to be sex, isn’t there. Joy.

Dark Angel: My guess is that the rating is supposed to be ‘Mature’, if not ‘Mature Adult’.

Scarlet: Damn it, I left my industrial-strength lube and brain bleach at home! Now I’ll need to circle back before I can join the riff.

Crazy56U: (walks in through a door, carrying suitcases) Back from vacation! (chucks suitcases, dusts hands) What did I mi- oh. ...joy…

Dark Angel: Welcome home, Crazy!

Scarlet: Hey, Crazy! Ready to die slowly? I know I am!

Topher: I’m ready to watch and burn your corpses! and roast weenies on your burning corpses!

Dark Angel: Is that a threat or some kind of fetish?

Topher: Yes.



It was a cold morning in Ponyville, the sun had just risen.



NaturalGlitch: Daylight savings time does that to the sun.

Crazy56U: Celestia’s slacking off on the job again...



Barely any noise can be heard from the resting ponies just waking up to start the day.



SC276: The only sound was the distant screaming of all the people noticing the tense changes.

Scarlet: And presumably the whirring noise as the townsponies reboot.

Crazy56U: So… “Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse”? Is the human visiting Ponyville going to be Santa? ...oh God…

Dark Angel: Santa Hooves?

Topher: No, Santa in Equestria would actually provide some interesting ideas. Imagine how he would react to pegasi!



The sun had just peaked



Crazy56U: In high school?

Scarlet: Oh hell no, I am not going back to High School Mykansical this quickly!

Crazy56U: Uh, I was making a Looney Tunes Show reference, but, okay...



above the trees,



Crazy56U: Oh.



and the grass was wet with morning dew.



SC276: Given how last night went, probably some other things as well.

Crazy56U: ...someone needs to burn the grass…

Topher: *lights a molotov cocktail* On it! *throws the molotov cocktail, which shatters against the fourth wall, setting half the riff… um… place on fire*

Crazy56U: (on fire) AGAIN?! REALLY?!?!

SC276: *grabs a fire extinguisher and starts spraying down the fire* We’re not even past the opening paragraph yet, are you kidding me?!

Dark Angel: That’s what you get when flamers become riffers.



Well, that was for everypony, but one.



RJ: Pub Crawler was finishing up his ‘nightly rounds.’

Crazy56U: My headcanon is that Pub Crawler is Pony!Barney Stinson...



Twilight Sparkle had been up for at least an hour before everypony in Ponyville.



NaturalGlitch: “She was looking for her reading glasses, forgetting that they’re perched on her head.”

Crazy56U: “She was going off on another ‘tardy’ rampage. Town Hall was on fire.”

Dark Angel: This riff has barely left the starting gate, and there have already been two fires! I probably should put the fire department on speed dial.



She was up early, because Spike had been sick the past few days, and kept waking up during the night.



SC276: Could’ve just had her studying, author, but noooo…

Scarlet: Or you could’ve had a scene establishing this instead of condemning it to a throwaway line, or cut the detail altogether if it isn’t significant, or any number of things. But hey, save the nitpicking for when we get really bad, I say!

NaturalGlitch: Looks like Spike read ahead.

Crazy56U: “Spike had read ‘The Ponyville Curse’ and drank himself into alcohol poisoning.”

Topher: OH GOD! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME UP WITH THAT DRINKING GAME! NOW SPIKE IS DEAD AND IT’S ALL MY FAULT! And nothing of value was lost.

Crazy56U: You monster...

Dark Angel: Either that or Starfleet Human. *vomits*



Twilight would get up to care for him when he woke up; being after all he is still only a baby dragon.



Scarlet: The mark of a true editor is knowing exactly which sentences deserve to be murdered for taking up too much space in the story. Would someone please pass me my corkscrew?

Crazy56U: (using corkscrew as a toothpick) In a sec…

Topher: You want I should make another molotov?

SC276: If you set this place on fire again, I’m finding another use for this extinguisher.

Dark Angel: I’m going to go back to my previous comment on this. Is that a threat or some kind of fetish?

Topher: I’m going to go back to my previous answer. yes.



Spike had been out in the Everfree forest during a heavy rainstorm at night.



SC276: What was he even doing in the forest in the first place? It’s the freakin’ Everfree; you don’t go in there unless you have to. Or the plot throws you in there.

Scarlet: Eh, he left his magical comic collection in the Castle of the Two Sisters again. It happens.

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Where the heck is that Heart's Desire flower?!”

Crazy56U: Ah, that explains the burnt umbrella in the corner… ...and the scorch marks on Spike…

Dark Angel: In other words, Topher made another molotov?



Twilight wondered why he would even ever think about going out during the storm.



SC276: Hell with out during the storm, lady.

Scarlet: Too early to make a joke nobody else reading will get? Yeah, but I don’t care. BEATORIIIIICEEEE!

Crazy56U: Singing in the rain. Duh.



But Spike was afraid to tell Twilight the reason he went out.



NaturalGlitch: “He ate some really bad chilli and didn’t want to stink up the library.”

Crazy56U: Nah, given how long that chili was in the fridge, I doubt Spike had gas problems…

Dark Angel: Besides, this entire story stinks so bad, who would even know if Spike had gas or not.



Spike had snuck out of the library during the storm because he thought he saw something wondering outside.



SC276: [Spike] “There is something suspicious outside. I should totally go out and confront it head-on like a dumb teen in a horror movie.”

Scarlet: ...My Umineko reference is suddenly more appropriate.

Topher: DON’T GO IN THERE!

Crazy56U: Wait, “wondering”? ...does that mean Spike thought he saw the PBS Idea Channel guy?

Kaijutsu: Spike hates to see ponies thinking about things.



Spike knew that Twilight would have just dismissed him as acting like a fool, and would have just gone on.



Scarlet: And probably lectured him for splitting the party, too.

NaturalGlitch: Something suspicious in the Everfree? Nah.

RJ: (singing) You just went out in the rain into Everfree, tell me whatcha gonna do? Act a fool! Now you're sick as sick can be, tell me whatcha gonna do? Act a fool!

Crazy56U: Bust a move! Wait, wrong song...



Spike knew that when Twilight went out with her friends for lunch he could look at her books and find the one that had many creatures in it.



Scarlet: “Yes! I found it! Twilight’s original copy of the Official Pokémon Guidebook!”

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Here it is—the Mary Sue guide.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Wait, Journal #3? ...then, where are the first two?!”

Dark Angel: I’ll bet that one of them was probably what was used to make the original Scootaloo Diaries.

Topher: ...well, time to binge-watch Gravity Falls. This’ll be my fifth time around.



Spike had seen the figure to walk on 2 legs, like an adult dragon stands,



SC276: Probably to get over the numeral embedded in the prose.

NaturalGlitch: “It had a very generous sized gut and a forest full of hair on the neck, so maybe it was a new kind of bear.”

Dark Angel: Hey! Don’t try to insert me into this fic!

Crazy56U: Eh, it was probably ManBearPig. No big deal...



but this adult dragon was only a few feet taller than a pony, did not have a tall,



SC276: So, a grande or a venti then.

Dark Angel: Or it could be a Short or a Trenta…what, you didn’t know that there are more than three sizes?

Scarlet: Nah, he’d just gone to a local coffee shop instead. Hipster.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a baseball bat)



and was speaking some of the pony language.



SC276: So do you, buddy. In fact, I’m not entirely sure there’s even different species languages officially.

Scarlet: Unless you’re a breezy, in which case you speak fluent Swedish Chef.

NaturalGlitch: I guess it could be a critter?

Crazy56U: Please, everyone knows that the language barrier is a myth…

Dark Angel: Maybe it’s just a different dialect.



Twilight Sparkle was now leaving to get lunch with her friends.



SC276: In the middle of the morning? Author, you suck at time.

NaturalGlitch: Was it on the other side of Equestria and she needed her adventure hat or something?

Crazy56U: Okay, seriously, another terrible story that fucks with time? Really?!



When the door slammed, Spike had gotten out of bed and looked for the "Book of Monsters and Animals".



SC276: Seems a little tame for an Equestrian book title, actually.

Scarlet: I am still not convinced this isn’t a Pokédex.

Dark Angel: Technically, it’s a Pokédex that was reprogrammed with Equestrian creatures.

NaturalGlitch: “It was next to the book Power Hugs and You.”

Topher: Unfortunately, Spike misread the spine and picked up a copy of The Monster Book of Monsters. The tome sprang to life and ate his face.

Crazy56U: Or, as it’s better known, “Where The Wild Things Are”.

Dark Angel: Hey, don’t say that. There has never been a bad Doctor Suess book. That being said, it’s impossible to insert a Doctor Suess book into this fic.

Crazy56U: (confused) ...Doctor Suess didn’t write “Where The Wild Things Are”...

...what?

Dark Angel: Sorry. Almost any story I remember from my childhood I connect with Doctor Suess.



Spike had found it, but he was only able to find one monster that could fit the description of the thing Spike had seen.



Scarlet: And sadly, he was unable to find its type weaknesses or what routes it was most easily encountered on.

Topher: Was it one of those promotional event-trade only monsters then?

Crazy56U: (pulls out a 3DS) My bet’s on it being a Mystery Gift...



It had not been seen since Discord had his reign of chaos.



NaturalGlitch: Gasp! The creature in the Everfree is an exploding glass of juice!

Dark Angel: Damnit! *presses speed dial* Hello, fire department…

Topher: You know, I bet the Ponyville bomb squad had quite a few false alarms after Discord was released.

Crazy56U: And, of course, when a glass of juice did explode, they thought it was another false alarm and did jack all about it…



The book stated that "It has been thought that Discord had scared away all of these creatures, for they were a peaceful kind".



SC276: Given we know what’s coming up… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA.

Scarlet: As I’m blind riffing as per my usual M.O., I’ll just prepare myself for a prime slice of delicious stupid.

Dark Angel: I’m always blind riffing, so we’re in the same boat. Considering where that boat is taking us though, we might as well be sinking faster than the titanic.

Topher: Yeah, whoever wrote this must have been pretty dumb if he thought humans were peaceful creatures. I mean come on, I murder people for no reason other than for shits and giggles! (Shoots SC in the head) And I’d say I’m a pretty typical human.

Dark Angel: I consider myself as a protector. But I’d consider myself as a typical human…or was that inhuman?

SC276: You are so lucky I have a hard head.

Crazy56U: (pulls the bullet out of SC276’s head) ...I’m not a doctor, but shouldn’t that still hurt?

SC276: Like you would not believe. Thankfully, over four years of riffing have given me ample time to learn how to scream internally.



Spike did not think that these were nice animals, but it was a madden beast of a race



Scarlet: Those last five words in sequence are beginning to burn my mind out already. And also causing me to imagine werewolf John Madden. I cannot decide whether or not this is a good thing.

Dark Angel: *pushes speed dial* …Yeah, it’s me again…No. This time, Scarlet’s brain caught fire.

Crazy56U: FOOTBALL



that was driven from its home, only to return to everything it once knew being changed and ponies now living in its old home.



SC276: ...What?

NaturalGlitch: Um... (shrugs)

Crazy56U: (looking at iPhone) I keep trying to translate it, but my translator app keeps screaming at me…

Scarlet: That’s because you have it set on “Lovecraftian.” Let me run it through “gibberish”, and- nah, never mind, all I get is “fuck it, I give.”

Crazy56U: You sure about that? I keep getting screamed at. ...maybe it’s because I upgraded to iOS 8…

Dark Angel: I’m gonna try something crazy and try to translate English into English. And I get… “You will all suffer, trapped in the hell that is reading bad fics.” What the hell!?



About 2 hours later, Twilight came home and saw that the book was open on the floor, open to the page about humans.



Scarlet: You know, the point of a plot twist is to make sure it’s unexpected.

NaturalGlitch: (spit take) Oh come on!

Crazy56U: “Included was a plot summary of Equestria Girls. Twilight promptly lit the book on fire.”

Dark Angel: *pushes speed dial* Hey it’s me aga-...Pizza Hut? Wrong speed dial…I’d like to order a large pizza with pepperoni and jalapenos…

NaturalGlitch: (chuckles) Whenever I see someone complain about EG—or Muffins being a canon name— I always think of Chris-chan’s reaction to Sonic’s arms being blue. Not sure why.

Crazy56U: A) I actually like Equestria Girls, I was just making a stupid joke. B) HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO CHRIS CHAN!!!! (punches you in the face… repeatedly)

NaturalGlitch: I wasn’t—ow!—talking about—ow!—you, I was—ow!—making a—blerg! (falls to the ground in a heap) Ugh... (bumbling) If anyone finds teeth laying around, they’re mine…

Toper: Too late! They’re going in the jar! *pulls out a jar full of human teeth, starts scanning the floor*



Twilight shouted "Spike, is you alright up there".



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “I was teaching Sweetie Belle how to do magic and now I’m—gurgle-plex of the mayonnaise—saying weird stuff.”

RJ: Twilight is expanding her linguistics into ebonics.

Crazy56U: I’d make a The Help joke, but I’m not sure how to… (eats a slice of chocolate pie) ...this tastes funny...



Spike replied with saying "Yes I am... I am feeling a lot better too!".



SC276: [Spike] “But all our dialogue has been congested into one paragraph.”

Kaijutsu: [Twilight] “Oh no! We’ve contracted ‘Wall of Text!’ Quick, get my ‘Writer’s Guide’ before we lose all our readers!”

Dark Angel: Actually, we could use something to build the 4th wall back up. And also, what readers?

Crazy56U: [Spike] “I also apparently do not know what contractions are!”

Topher: Oh, god! It’s the dreaded Shyamalan syndrome! ABANDON RIFF! *self-defenestrates*

Dark Angel: *typing* “ABANDON RIFF!” Topher exclaimed. Little did he and his fellow riffers know, they were not on the outside looking in. They were on the inside looking out. They were not riffing bad fanfics, they themselves were part of a greater fanfic.



"Spike what were you doing with this book on monsters and animals?" said Twilight Sparkle in a confused voice.



SC276: Presumably, reading up about monster and animals. Why are you opposed to someone reading again, Ms. Librarian?

Scarlet: “And more importantly, why use the Castle’s library? I have the X/Y edition at home, it’s much more complete!”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Why are you chewing on the books again? If you were hungry, you could’ve said so, silly.”

Crazy56U: Twilight had honestly forgotten that Spike could read…

Topher: [Spike] “Actually, I was looking for another copy of the Inspiration Manifestation, I wanted to see what would happen if I gave it to Discord. I thought it would either do nothing or make some kind of… Super-Discord.”



Spike replied saying "Nothing, why Twilight?" nervously. "It's opened to a page about homosapiens,



SC276: “Homer-statsis?” “Man, to you!”

NaturalGlitch: I’m a hetero-sapien, thank you. ...why is everyone looking at me funny?

Crazy56U: (pats NaturalGlitch on the head) Oh, my sweet summer child...

NaturalGlitch: (blushes) Aww, gee...



which have not been seen here in over 1000 years!



SC276: Neither was Nightmare Moon, but you believed that.

NaturalGlitch: Actually, no, Spike never believed in Nightmare Moon until she appeared. Wait… was this two people talking in one paragraph? DANG IT.

Scarlet: So a millennia ago, Discord banished all the humans? Really? Because I can already think of like five ways to integrate a past society of human beings into Equestria that are more interesting than this. And also provide more opportunities for humor!

Crazy56U: Unbelievable, that the author could have chosen that particular date. It could mean that that point in time inherently contains some sort of cosmic significance; almost as if it were the junction point for the entire space-time continuum! ...on the other hand, it could just be hack writing...



Spike did you see something when you went out that night?" Twilight said shocked.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I saw some trees and flowers. Does that count?”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “No, Twilight, I didn’t. It’s kinda hard to see stuff at night when it’s dark.”

[Twilight] “(pulls out a baseball bat labeled ‘Home Run’) What did I say about getting snippy with me?”

Scarlet: Did you just reference Eakin’s time loop fics? Dude… dude no. No. No, dude. No. Not in this story.

Crazy56U: You can’t control me. I’ll reference whatever the fuck I want to reference!

Scarlet: I never said I could control you. I just expressed disappointment and pleaded with you not to. Based on previous patterns, the follow-up will be ultimately meaningless threats of violence.

NaturalGlitch: (still bumbling) I can taste the colors...



Spike knew he had to admit what he saw.



SC276: I forgot already, why did Spike keep something like this secret from the person he trusted the most again?

Scarlet: Because- *makes incomprehensible electronic noises*

Crazy56U: Sorry, I don’t speak Italian, what was that?



He knew Twilight would be really mad at him if he kept on lying.



Scarlet: ...When was he lying about this thing again? So far as we know this is the first time he’s actually been asked about it an- fuck it, more to riff, moving on.

Crazy56U: Now Spike, you don’t know that for sure...



Spike, with a deep breath before saying anything said



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] (extremely loud belch) [Twilight, clapping] “Impressive! But I don’t think Rarity would be into that.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual.”



"I saw a figure outside of the window and went out to check what it was, I chased it into the forest and got lost, it looked like that monster in the book" Spike quickly let out.



SC276: If you were just going to tell us here, why all of that other stuff?! Stop repeating yourself!

NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I think I saw the Headless Horse!”

Crazy56U: ...I think Spike may be sicker than we thought...



Twilight began to giggle, "A homosapien in Equestria, seriously Spike, sometimes you are just crazy!" Twilight exclaimed.



SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “Hey, who’s getting in on mah cray-cray?!”

Scarlet: “And that’s why I’ve decided to commit you to bedlam. Here’s your straitjacket!”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Like the time you grew antlers.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Well, no offense, but you’ve gone insane Spike…”



Chapter 2:



SC276: Well hopefully the rest of these chapters go by quickly enough.

Scarlet: I’m mostly disappointed by the lack of anything truly ludicrous. Please tell me there’s some kind of terrible murder in the next chapter or something.

NaturalGlitch: Do brain cells count?

Crazy56U: To recap Chapter 1: Spike got lost in the woods, got sick, and then told Twilight he was chasing a mythical creature. CONTENT!

Dark Angel: Wow, the author told in an entire chapter what could be said in a single sentence. That’s actually impressive… in it’s own right.



A few days later even more strange events have been going on in Ponyville.



SC276: The tense changes were fluctuating at a more extreme pace. Soon the fabric of time and space would tear.

Scarlet: Eh, that still sounds like a typical weekend in Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: “Mayor Mare forgot to dye her mane gray again.”

Crazy56U: (looks up at the sky) ...uh, remind me: is it a good thing or a bad thing when all the stars start going out?

NaturalGlitch: If it's the Kingdom Hearts universe, it's bad.

Dark Angel: I don’t think that being bad is exclusive to Kingdom Hearts.



The Sweet Apple Acres has been stolen from more than once.



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Why would somepony steal a mop handle but not the whole mop?”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Why did somepony steal Big Mac?!”

Topher: [Apple Bloom] “Why did somepony steal my kidney?”

Dark Angel: [Granny Smith] “Why did somepony steal my walker?”



Fluttershy has seen an odd animal around her chicken coup trying to steal her chicken eggs.



Scarlet: ...again, typical weekend in Ponyville.

NaturalGlitch: “Turns out the eggs moved by themselves.”

Crazy56U: As it turns out, it was Pinkie wearing her chicken costume. ...the meds aren’t working as much anymore...

NaturalGlitch: Or maybe. … (gasp!) the costume is wearing her! Dun dun du~un!

Crazy56U: Nah, that would be interesting… Can’t have that here...



Rarity has been having gems taken away in the middle of the night.



SC276: What’s a rampant human trying to stay out of civilization need gems for? It’s not like he can spend them on anything. And if he needs a weapon, the Everfree has rocks.

Scarlet: Yeah, but rocks do, what, 1d4 damage at the most? Maybe he’s putting spells in the gems and hurling them to make massive explosions and I’m describing much more interesting stories than this one, let’s move on.

Dark Angel: Damnit! More fire?! *pushes speed dial* Hello…Yeah, it’s me again…What do you mean you’re not coming to help us anymore?!

NaturalGlitch: [human] “Dur-hur, it’s shiny.”

Topher: Okay, this is getting a little too personal.

Crazy56U: [Spike] “(while running away) I don’t have a probleeeeem!”



Pinkie Pie… well Pinkie Pie didn't notice anything different going on at Sugar Cube Corner.



SC276: I love how only the Mane Six are being targeted here.

Scarlet: Clearly humans have an innate understanding of who the main characters are!

NaturalGlitch: “Ponies were always leaving handprints all over the place. ...wait.”

Dark Angel: [Spike] “Don’t worry, Twilight. When I went looking for that human, Lyra offered to come with me to watch me. Which is strange considering that I didn’t even imply that I need an adult with me.”

Crazy56U: “On the plus side, she had amassed a large quantity of eggs, and she has no idea why!”



Spike was worried that what he thought was a homosapien was coming to Ponyville.



NaturalGlitch: “And he couldn’t find his tux anywhere!”

Crazy56U: “Spike had tried to form a mob to defend against it, but everyone brushed him off. Not because they thought he was crazy, but because the town had used up its pitchfork and torch supply from the last mob a while back…”



Spike didn't even know what a homosapien was or how it acted, no one did.



SC276: Apparently, no remnant of them besides their presence remained to put into that book. I blame the archeologists.

Scarlet: ...didn’t the book explicitly state they were peaceful creatures driven off by the actions of Discord? I mean, it might be wrong, but then- argh continuity bullshit whyyy.

NaturalGlitch: My theory—sleep-writing. Don’t let it happen to you.

Crazy56U: Isn’t that how the script for Project Almanac was made?

Dark Angel: Remember kids. Never drink and write.



Twilight Sparkle made sure Spike did not tell anyone about what he read,



NaturalGlitch: I bet he’s been reading fanfiction.

Crazy56U: Poor damn fool...



even though he really wanted to get it off of his chest



Kaijutsu: The book was surprisingly heavy.

Crazy56U: Best to do it now, before it broke a sixth rib. Spike was going to run out of

them if he didn’t do something...



and to help stop the problems in Ponyville.



Scarlet: “Come on, guys! Just once I wanna beat the villain and save the day! Power Ponies doesn’t count!”

NaturalGlitch: ...King Sombra.

Dark Angel: …The Equestria Games.

Scarlet: Look if this fic can’t keep track of its own continuity, I don’t expect it to take the show’s into account!

Topher: I don’t count walking a few feet and dropping a big, important rock off a tower “saving the day.”

Crazy56U: Besides, in the grand scheme of things (meaning “excluding the comics”), Sombra wasn’t really that big of a threat. Spike needed some real action.

NaturalGlitch: (looks at the other riffers with suspicion) Yeah… sure…

Scarlet: To be fair, Crazy’s spectrum of what counts as a real threat has our previous riff catalogue on it.



Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom were meeting up at school one day before class. They were waiting outside for the other fillies to come.



Scarlet: And yet another person joins my list of authors who don’t know how to use the word “foal” appropriately.

NaturalGlitch: At least he knows Apple Bloom is two words.

Crazy56U: (produces a gold star) Congratulations, Author! You tried!



The Cutie Mark Crusaders saw the bushes shaking around.



NaturalGlitch: “Shaking the bush, boss.”

Crazy56U: “Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh, I mean... Bush. Bush. Leaves. Branch. Um... Berries.”



They thought it was the unknown monster that had been stealing things from all over Ponyville.



SC276: Specifically, from two of their sisters.

Scarlet: Interesting process of elimination. “Look, movement! It’s the black beast from the forest! Let us do battle!”

Dark Angel: Was that a racist remark?

NaturalGlitch: (imitates RPG battle theme)

Topher: Roll for initiatives!

Crazy56U: (sets the bushes on fire) ...there, done and done.

Dark Angel: Did you really have to do that after the fire department stopped coming to help us?

Topher: *sniff* I’m so proud of you!

Crazy56U: (shoves Topher into the burning bushes)



They looked at each other and nodded.



NaturalGlitch: “Then they blinked. Then Apple Bloom became a giant.”

Crazy56U: “They then got some hedge clippers and attacked the bushes. There were no survivors.”

Dark Angel: Actually, the one thing that did survive was the bush.



Running into the forest to catch the monster and save Ponyville, and maybe even get their cutie marks as Heroes!



SC276: Great plan, except who would go to a school located right next to the Everfree?

Scarlet: To be fair, Ponyville’s collective self-preservation instinct can be contained within a mason jar. Specifically this one. *holds it up*

SC276: ...Do I want to know how you got that, or…?

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Should we stock up on potions for healing or buy better gear?”

Crazy56U: Wait, why would they want cutie marks associated with a terrible TV show?



The beast screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE, LEAVE ME ALONE!"



SC276: [beast] “I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN!”

Scarlet: “YOU’RE LYING!” ….aaand there we go. According my contract, one more “When They Cry” reference and I’m legally required to pull off my own fingernails as penance.

NaturalGlitch: [beast] “Your collective adorableness is killing me!”

Crazy56U: [???] “NOT THE FACE!”



and threw the three little fillies off of him.



NaturalGlitch: A whole two feet, even.

Crazy56U: Wow, he must be a threat if he’s capable of shaking off some children...



The monster ran off into the forest. "Well that was awkward" said Scootaloo.



SC276: The entire fic’s been awkward so far.

Dark Angel: I think the author actually had a spell of common sense for a moment and had Scootaloo describe what this fic is before he lost his intelligence again.

Scarlet: Well, there goes our primary source of conflict. Who wants to hold the idiot ball and go run off to bring it back?

NaturalGlitch: Huh. I guess they’re not so easily spooked anymore.

Crazy56U: How was that awkward?



"Yeah he seemed pretty scared" said Apple Bloom.



NaturalGlitch: [Apple Bloom] “Did I forget to put my bow straight or something?”

Topher: [Sweetie Belle] “I don’t see why that’s important. That weird hat he was wearing was completely crooked, like he was trying to tip it off his head or something!”

Crazy56U: [Scootaloo] “Apple Bloom, I really don’t think he cares about your bow.

Since when do monsters care about fashion?”

Topher: Chop off a sea serpent’s mustache sometime.



Sweetie Belle stated "Maybe he is gentle and afraid of ponies?"



NaturalGlitch: [beast] “My head is dying from the cuteness—augirirhaihg!”

Crazy56U: ...the beast is Equestria Girls!Fluttershy?



Suddenly the CMC noticed that their whole class was right behind them



SC276: Ninja class!

Dark Angel: (Insert obligatory Power Rangers: Ninja Storm reference here.)

Scarlet: Well, that would explain the proximity to the Everfree.

NaturalGlitch: [foal] “Did his gut bounce around when he ran or did I imagine that?”

Crazy56U: Some even had bags of popcorn and were upset that the “fight” had ended so abruptly.



wondering why they are in the bushes.



SC276: [Apple Bloom] “Um… lesbian orgy practice!”

Scarlet: *shakes head sadly* Dude… I know the story’s so dry I’m down to obscure reference humor, but we’re way too early to get into the foalcon jokes. And usually in better taste.

NaturalGlitch: It’s a good thing I brought my vomit bucket. Wait—who already used it?

Topher: *whistles in a manner people only whistle in when they’re trying to seem innocent*

Crazy56U: (grabs head) ...uh, guys, what does an aneurysm feel like again? My brain feels funny…

Dark Angel: Let me borrow that. *grabs Glitch’s used puke bucket and vomits in it* I think everyone here has used that bucket…and I don’t think it was used only for puking…



The whole class began bursting out in laughter



SC276: [Sweetie Belle] “Great going, Apple Bloom.”

Scarlet: Okay running with the gag does kind of save it.

NaturalGlitch: I see that the Mary Sue is already influencing the characters, even in riff form.

SC276: Also, Scarlet, obscure reference humor is like half my normal jokes. Git on mah level.

Scarlet: Don’t make me do another Touhou Link.

Crazy56U: Here, did it for you!



at them shouting things like "Trying to catch the thief" "Monster chasing you".



NaturalGlitch: [Snips] “And you’re so cute too! ...I just said that out loud, didn’t I?”

Dark Angel: [Silver Spoon] “Why did you just randomly say that I’m cute?”

Crazy56U: [Diamond Tiara] “Oh, shoot, I wasn’t paying attention, uh… um… ...something to do with blank flanks, I don’t know, I’m not good with improv…”



That was until Cheerilee walked by and told the class that was enough.



Scarlet: Huh, usually when my class shouted “monster chasing you” at me I was being stalked by vampires. Again.

Topher: You were chased by monsters too? mine were usually some form of ghoul.

Crazy56U: I was chased by Scooby Doo villains. IN YOUR FACE!

Dark Angel: Well I was chased by Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde.



Later that day after school a police pony showed up to ask the Crusaders what they had saw.



Scarlet: Well, now we know why they weren’t investigating Applejack’s murder from two riffs ago. See, continuity!

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately, the police pony only wanted to be on the force so he could use the siren all the time.”

Topher: Ah, an IDW comic reference! A rare gem indeed!

Crazy56U: B-but I thought the police were a myth…

Topher: They are in America! LOOK AT ME I’M BEING TOPICAL!



Apple Bloom was the first to say what it looked like, but they all had the same view of it.



Scarlet: “Yup, it was definitely a disappointment!”

NaturalGlitch: [Apple Bloom] “It looked like he was covered in some sort of cheese snack dust.”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie Belle] “One look at him made me feel dead inside.”



Apple Bloom started by saying the monster was tall, tan skinned, brown mane, walked on 2 legs, a little bit fat,



Crazy56U: Wait, holy fuck, he actually is fat?!

NaturalGlitch: He could be a competitive eater, I suppose…

Scarlet: That or he swallowed the author’s talent.

Crazy56U: Okay, that’s impossible, and you know that.

Dark Angel: Exactly. If he had swallowed the author’s talent, he would’ve starved to death.



but the thing that was different from Spike's account was that it had wings



SC276: Please let that be an unzipped hoodie. Please.

Dark Angel: Either that or just a cape.

Scarlet: I choose to believe that our monster for the fic is Adam, the slightly pudgy angel!

NaturalGlitch: “He also had a beard you could grow a small colony of ticks with.”

Crazy56U: ...so, it was an angel then? Is this the end times? ...or, barring that, a very bad Supernatural crossover?



and the hair had grown longer. Shocked, the police pony gasped having never heard of such a thing. The police pony knew he had to go right off to tell Celestia about this creature.



Scarlet: “Princess Celestia, come quickly! A magical creature was discovered in Equestria, near the Everfree Forest!”

NaturalGlitch: “He is wearing pants! This is not a drill!”

Dark Angel: “Pants?! No, not pants! He’s going to clothe us all!”

[Rarity] “That’s my job!”

Crazy56U: “We must stop him before he says ‘M’lady’ to some poor unsuspecting pony!”



After the pony had left to tell the princess what was going on,



SC276: That’s gonna be a bit of a run, I think...

NaturalGlitch: [police pony] “Starting...huff...tomorrow...huff...I’m going on a diet.”

Crazy56U: ...uh, remind me, but was it mentioned that the cop was an Earth pony?

Dark Angel: Technically, it wasn’t even mentioned that he was “running”. It just says that he left.



Apple Bloom thought she could go see Twilight Sparkle



NaturalGlitch: Talk about eyes wide shut.

Crazy56U: I wouldn’t know, I never saw that film...



and ask about the creature that she had attacked just earlier in the day.



Scarlet: “For the last time, Apple Bloom, we’re awarding level ups based on progress through the campaign and accomplishing goals! That fight doesn’t get you extra XP!”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “The Prison of Elders is fun, but I don’t really see a reason to go there anymore.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Ah, so that’s where my hedge clippers went!”



Apple Bloom darted off to Twilight's house and slammed on the door screaming "TWILIGHT TWILIGHT COME QUICK!"



SC276: Funny language for someone only telling her now.

NaturalGlitch: [Apple Bloom] “Could you open this door? It lept out in front of me.”

Crazy56U: Apple Bloom tried pulling a Kool Aid Man, but, unfortunately, failed. Tsk tsk.



Twilight responded when opening the door "What is it my little pony?"



SC276: Fuck, the author predicted Princess Twilight like a year early!

Dark Angel: Yeah…but who didn’t? By the time Twilight became an alicorn in the show, there were already like fifty thousand fics where Twilight turns into a alicorn.

Scarlet: Truly, a modern-day Nostradamus. With an accurate prediction. So nothing at all like Nost- I am really terrible at this sometimes.

NaturalGlitch: ...or maybe it was a reference to the talent show episode where Twilight said the same thing.

Crazy56U: (scoff) That’s crazy talk, and you know it.

Topher: Hey, be careful Twilight! If you keep dropping the title it’ll break!



"I need you to help me find out what the monster is!" Apple Bloom shouted.



Scarlet: “We’ve been over this, Apple Bloom. You failed your Knowledge: Nature roll, so now you need to consult an authority figure in character if you want to know more specifics.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(tosses a Pokedex) Here, should be good enough.”

Dark Angel: *singing* I’m gonna be the very best, like nopony ever was. To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause…



After giving Twilight the description of what the creature was Spike walked down and said



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] (still loudly belching) [Apple Bloom] “You sound like my brother after dinner.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Fuck, this story is still going and nothing has happened yet!”



"That's what I saw just without wings and it had shorter hair!"



Scarlet: “Maybe you saw the evolved form!”

NaturalGlitch: ...I have a feeling you’re not to far off.

Topher: Five bucks says alicorn-humanoid or super saiyan. TAKING ALL BETS!

Scarlet: That was last fic! For both!

Crazy56U: So it IS an angel!



Twilight sighed and thought to herself "What if a homosapien really did make it back to Equestria;



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “I hope he doesn’t mind the taste of oats and hay too much.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Could make for a story, at least. Whether it’d be good or bad depends on the execution, but…”



I don't think they could stay here after being gone for so long…"



SC276: Twilight, I think you underestimate the human instinct to mate.

NaturalGlitch: I always forget things that happen 1000 year ago when I didn’t exist.

Scarlet: Not even the fourth wall can keep a rabid community from making first contact!

Crazy56U: Twilight is trying to force the story to end early through denial, but clearly that won’t work.

Dark Angel: And we should know. We are always going through denial when riffing.



Now sure of it, Twilight knew it was a homosapien that had come to Equestria.



Kaijutsu: Oh, I see how it is. When Spike says there's a human running around he's

"crazy" but when the CMC say it it MUST be true!

Crazy56U: Yeah, shouldn’t it have been the other way around? Spike is a much more

credible source of info than the CMC! And that says a LOT.



She knew that she would have to get it out of here, and help it get back home before the princess noticed and came to Ponyville and banished him/her, herself.



SC276: Um, why would Celestia just banish something? I mean, if she asks about bananas, then we have cause for concern, but otherwise…

Scarlet: Well remember all those episodes through the show where Celestia puts up with world-breaking levels of shit and doesn’t move to deliberately banish everyone, and also suffers untold levels of guilt for the one time she did send someone to the moon? Yeah fuck them they don’t count, CONFLICT AHOY!

NaturalGlitch: I thought she didn’t have that power because she and her sister aren’t connected to the Elements anymore, which is what gave them the ability to banish people in the first place. Really, Celestia isn’t anywhere NEAR as powerful as the fandom likes to think. If they had the power to stop someone, they would.

Scarlet: ...Issues of character, Glitch, not pragmatism. If you’re looking for continuity between episodes for magic power levels, you’re not going to be a happy camper.

Crazy56U: Okay, look, if I wanted to read these kinds of discussions, I’d read the comments section for the story. Can we please get back to the riff at hand? Who knows, maybe something is about to happen... Besides, Glitch is wrong.

Dark Angel: Maybe this is just another case of Twilight over reacting to something.



Twilight went out later during the night and went looking for the homosapien,



SC276: Yes, Twilight, go searching for the mystery creature by yourself. This really is a horror movie, isn’t it.

Scarlet: No, Twilight! Don’t go into the tall grass!

NaturalGlitch: Yeah—the most powerful Unicorn totally couldn’t handle some 300 pound neckbeard human on her own.

Crazy56U: Well, going by fan fiction tropes, all he has to do is go for the horn and Twilight’s basically defenseless...



but only to find that it was the quietest night since Spike had gotten sick.



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “No more spicy food for you for a while, Spike. Phew!”

Crazy56U: She had grown accustomed to watching TV at loud volumes to drown out the noises Spike had made while he was sick. Most of them were puke noises.



"Maybe he is in the Everfree forest?"



Scarlet: God damn it that’s even worse! Your survival instinct has been exceeded by ten year olds! I just had to downsize my mason jar!

NaturalGlitch: If Applejack, Apple Bloom and Zecora can handle the forest like nothing, then so can Twilight. It’s not like she hasn’t done that before at all.

Scarlet: Cockatrice. Those vines with knockout dust.

NaturalGlitch: You mean those things that happened once? I doubt Twilight is going to stare into the eyes of a snake chicken again anytime soon. If you know what I mean~

Crazy56U: OI! What did I say about discussions?! (slams Scarlet and Glitch’s heads together, Three Stooges style)

NaturalGlitch: Certainly! Whoop, whoop, whoop, nyuk, nyuk!

Scarlet: You don’t own me. But you have caused me pain. I shall now cry. *sobs in corner*

Dark Angel: Of all riffs I could’ve taken part of, I get stuck with the Three Stooges of riffing.



Twilight thought out loud. A calm deep voice from the shadow's responded to her "Who is in the Everfree forest, darling, do you need help?"



SC276: Rarity, now is a terrible time to practice for the masquerade ball.

Scarlet: ~The Phaaaaaantom of the Everfree is theeeeeerrrreee…. insiiiide your miiiind~

Crazy56U: Oh my god, it’s Gerard Butler! RUN FOR THE HILLS!



Twilight stood frozen, scared that this might be the monster.



Scarlet: You think.

NaturalGlitch: The smell off the guy must be making Twilight woozy.

Crazy56U: (spraying Febreze) I don’t know what you’re talking about...



Normally Twilight would dismiss this and think it was just another pony, but she had never heard this voice before.



NaturalGlitch: I guess she memorized all the ponies’ voices when they checked out a book or something.

Crazy56U: Twilight secretly created a Pony NSA. Over the course of a few months, she managed to learn the voices of everyone in Ponyville. Along with some… other… things…

Topher: If Twilight memorizes all the voices in Ponyville, Bon Bon must give her a hell of a hard time!



"Well speak up!" said the voice in the shadows.



Scarlet: “Well, I still think it’s the best of the Pixar-” “Speak up, not speak about Up!”

Topher: 2015. Not Inside Out. Plebeian.

Crazy56U: This was made before 2015, friend. Check yourself.



Twilight stuttered and said "Who are you?"



NaturalGlitch: [voice] “I’m Batman.”

Crazy56U: “DARRRRTH VADER!”

Dark Angel: “Twilight, I am your father.”



the voice replied "It seems you do not need my help, goodbye madam." And the being ran off.



SC276: Well that was rude. And pointless. Mostly rude.

Scarlet: Worst. Random. Encounter. Ever.

NaturalGlitch: ...the fuck?!

Topher: Wow, I may have underestimated this guy. He didn’t say “m’lady!”

Crazy56U: Oh god, the plot was about to progress! CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN!

Dark Angel: Can’t have anything happen before the readers lose their minds.



Chapter 3

The night had passed;



NaturalGlitch: It was a bad night to have a curse.

Crazy56U: RIP Night. Luna’s going to be out of a job now…

Dark Angel: Nightmare Sun had finally succeeded in creating the eternal day! All will suffer the wrath of the sunburn!



Twilight had trouble getting to sleep because of the voice.



NaturalGlitch: One of the lamer bosses in MGS3.

Crazy56U: What is it with this story referencing bad TV shows?!

Dark Angel: The author probably did it on a Double Dare.



She wondered what the voice could have been, and who was it.



SC276: Who was phone?

Crazy56U: IT WAS ME, I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP, ALRIGHT?!



"Why would he steal things from Ponyville?" Twilight thought.



SC276: Well, survival was my first thought…

Scarlet: In which case he stole the gems because he cannot live without his sparklies… actually, yeah, I can now relate to this character.

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “He could’ve just asked.”

Crazy56U: My money’s on it being because he has a gambling debt, and needs to sell shit to pay it off. Hence, theft.



Twilight was scared that he could be like Discord and try bring chaos back to Equestria.



SC276: If he is, he’s doing a lousy job of it.

Scarlet: “Well the book explicitly lays out that Discord probably drove humanity away, ergo… THEY ARE ALL HIS MINIONS!”

NaturalGlitch: Well, to be fair, he kinda sorta is about to unleash retarded levels of chaos.

Crazy56U: ...I’m afraid to ask, but “retarded” levels of chaos?

Topher: Yeah, I have to agree with Twilight, Humans to tend to cause chaos. so far I’ve set the place on fire and shot someone in the head, all for reasons that only make sense to me. Has anyone taken care of the fire yet, by the way?

Dark Angel: I tried calling the fire department. But because of all the fires, they stopped taking my calls.

SC276: I got some robots handling that in the background; riffing and fighting fires at the same time was getting to be too hard.



Twilight had an idea; she would go see Zecora later in the day.



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Maybe I can borrow one of her spooky masks and use it to make my scary stories better.”

Crazy56U: Twilight felt the need to get some “special” tea to help her relax, and Zecora knew how to make it just right.



Twilight wrote a letter to Princess Celestia,



Scarlet: “Dear Princess Celestia: Please send help. Have been trapped in this story for three chapters with no sign of logical plot progression.”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “PS: What flavor of cake is your favorite? I’m totally not planning a surprise party for you. Nope.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Dear Princess Celestia: HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP! Your faithful

student, Twilight Sparkle”

Dark Angel: “Dear Princess Celestia: It’s been confirmed that I’m your niece. But I wanted to ask you…HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?!! Do you have another brother or sister somewhere? And if so, how is it that I was born a pegasus and had to earn my way into becoming an alicorn? I mean, I don’t even have an extended life like you do! And I know I can’t be Luna’s daughter, since I was born while she was still on the moon…or am I Luna’s daughter? Luna, are you my mommy? Your sorta niece, Cadance”

NaturalGlitch: Well, according to the books, Cadance was adopted by Celestia to be her niece when Cadance earned the title of Princess and became an Alicorn. Oh, and age magic is a thing.



"Dear Princess Celestia, I think that I found out what is going on in Ponyville no need to worry, but



Kaijutsu: [Twilight] "Completely unrelated question"

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Off topic: what’s the best way to destroy a fedora?”

Topher: Well I had a bonfire handy until SOMEBODY put it out!

Dark Angel: Yes… My sinister plan to prevent Topher’s destruction is a success! And why would you want to destroy a fedora? Fedoras are cool.

Crazy56U: (stabs Dark Angel in the head with a spork)



do you know the last time a homosapien came to Equestria?



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Do they really use their digits for shadow puppets?”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Are all of them fat and have neckbeards?”



Your faithful student Twilight Sparkle".



Dark Angel: [Celestia’s reply] “Dear Twilight Sparkle, I have sent Lyra to check on the issue with this homosapien. Lyra is a great student in the study of anthropology. I trust her fully not to overreact to seeing a human here in Equestria. Sincerely, Princess Celestia (P.S. Stop sending me letters!)”

SC276: [Celestia’s reply] “Dear Twilight Sparkle, one, I expected better penmanship from you; and two, Two, the police guy already got here and told me that. Sincerely, Princess Celestia.”

NaturalGlitch: I am now imagining Celestia in a tuu tuu. (grabs chest and falls to the floor) Hnng!

Crazy56U: (nudges Glitch with a stick) ...nice job, SC276, I think he’s dead…

SC276: Well I just spared him the possibility of further chapters of our current monthly runners, so let’s call it a mercy.

Topher: We shall give him a hero’s funeral. *sets fire to the body, starts roasting weenies* I think my meds might be wearing off, I’m particularly sociopathic today!

Crazy56U: (on fire… yet again) ...I don’t like you…

Topher: Few people do! *proffers a hot dog* weenie?

Dark Angel: Damnit with your fires, Topher…oh screw it. *takes the hot dog*



Twilight went off into the forest with Spike. When they reached Zecora's hut, she was making a brew, it smelled of sugar, rotten eggs.



Kaijutsu: Ah, the refreshing smell of a college dorm room mini-fridge!

Crazy56U: So it smelled like Donald Trump’s toilet, or as it’s better known, “his

mouth”.

Dark Angel: This fic really does stink, doesn’t it?



Spike smelled the best smelling gems coming from Zecora's hut.



SC276: ...Wait, why does Zecora have the stolen loot?

Scarlet: Zecora is a wildshaping druid rogue! The rhyming speech is clearly druidic tradition! It all makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE but I’m going to run with it anyway!

Crazy56U: Oh boy, I think I know what’s about to happen...



Spike stated "Weren't these some things that were stolen, Twilight?"



SC276: Stop reading my mind, fic!

Scarlet: To be fair, some things are so obvious that even this story can’t overlook them.

NaturalGlitch: This is going to be a recurring trend, isn't it?

Crazy56U: (braces self) Here it comes...



Twilight knew Zecora wouldn't steal from Ponyville.



NaturalGlitch: [Zecora] “I did not steal these; some biped brought them with ease.”

Crazy56U: After all, assuming that the only zebra in town was the monster stealing everything would be incredibly fucking racist of her.



A pony walked out of Zecora's hut, Twilight and Spike both in awe at the alicorn, with a long blue mane, huge wings and a horn.



SC276: Oh boy, here we go.

Scarlet: Egads! The fan rage is going to build! Engage full defensive mode!

NaturalGlitch: Turns out it’s just a deformity. The wings and horn don’t work at all.

Crazy56U: ...well… ...at least he’s not black and red...



Twilight and Spike both said at the same time "Another alicorn in Equestria? What!"



SC276: STOP READING MY MIND, FIC!

Dark Angel: I think this fic knew what the readers were going to think, so it just cut out the middle man and said it for us.

Scarlet: I was going to repeat my earlier statement but at this point I’m more concerned with ensuring the integrity of my mobile fortress’s blast walls.

Crazy56U: Uh, wait, when in 2012 was this made again? January? ...fuck, that means the author predicted “A Canterlot Wedding”...



The alicorn responded "You don't remember me, pony and dragon?



NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “Some trickster super glued an ice cream cone and styrofoam wings on me and I can’t get them off.”

Crazy56U: [???] “Remember me?” Forgive me father for I have sinned...



Twilight Sparkle is what your friends call you; we had just met last night."



Scarlet: The part of the mysterious alicorn will be played by whoever those two Russians are from Rocky and Bullwinkle. “You do not remember me, pony and dragon? Moose and Squirrel are very well acquainted with me!”

SC276: Boris and Natasha, you mean? They’re Pottsylvanian, you uncultured swine.

Crazy56U: I’d contribute, but the only Rocky and Bullwinkle thing I’ve ever seen is… well…

Topher: Twilight Sparkle is what your friends call you, your real name is Kakarot!



Twilight knew the voice was of the man in the shadows, but the man himself looked so much different from what everypony said he looked like.



SC276: If a rug is involved, I am blowing everyone up.

Scarlet: Engage, Mobile Fortress Scarlet! *one long, involved mech summoning sequence later* Okay, SC, I’m ready! Fire it up!

SC276: Shoot on sight! ...of a rug!

Topher: But that rug really ties the room together!

Crazy56U: (confused) ...why would a rug be involved? (picks up a rug from the floor)

I-is this what you guys are talking about?

Scarlet: Targeted Sighted! BECOME SPARKLY THIIINGS!

SC276: No, only the rugs that cause the cursed alicorn prince standing on it to resume their alicorn form from their cursed human form for no explained reason. I actually feel bad that I had to explain my own joke.

Crazy56U: All I choose to get out of this is that I just got a free rug…

Dark Angel: I guess Scarlet will have to use the MF Scarlet later.



Twilight said "What are you doing here?" The alicorn responded with a simple "Don't you already know?"



Scarlet: “Come on guys, seriously? It’s the third rehearsal already! Am I the only one who’s memorized the script?”

NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “Can’t you read minds like I can? Pshaww!”

Crazy56U: We don’t, stop being so condescending, prick...



Twilight began to stutter out "W-w-weren't y-y-you a homosapien just a day ago?"



Scarlet: You never actually saw him. You shouldn’t know that! Objection! Objection, I say!

SC276: OBJECTION! This fic is objectionable!

NaturalGlitch: Let me guess—he really did evolve and he stole that stuff so he can complete the transformation.

Crazy56U: Or, he’s a shapeshifter...



"Ah yes, I was just a human a day ago, but your zebra friend had helped me fit in a bit more around here, being since I scared everyone I came in contact with away."



SC276: Except apparently the zebra.

Scarlet: “I decided that transforming myself to resemble one of your ruling demigods would be far less intimidating.”

NaturalGlitch: Demigod? He doesn’t look like Discord at all. Then again, he’s pretty much a genie without a lamp.

Scarlet: Ascendant Magical Royalty With Quasi-Divine Connotations is a bit long to write out, and Discord is clearly a sentient Elemental. Pshaaawww.

NaturalGlitch: (inches even closer to the exit) S-sure…

Crazy56U: And Zecora would turn you into an alicorn becaaaaauuuusssseeee… ?

Dark Angel: Because the author did a self insert and is power hungry.



Twilight said "Why did you steal all the items?"



SC276: Steal ALL the items!

Scarlet: “Party rogue, baby. It’s what I do.”

NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “I accidentally removed all my attributes and was left only with Steal.”

Crazy56U: My money’s still on it being gambling debt-related… (crosses fingers)



the alicorn replied "I meant no harm by it and I will repay it with work."



NaturalGlitch: [mary sue] “I hear there’s an opening in a place called The Rainbow Factory. They want me there as soon as possible.”

Topher: [Mary Sue] “And if that falls through, this pink mare asked me to help her get special ingredients for cupcakes!”

Crazy56U: [???] “I heard that some pony named Cheerilee needs help tending to her garden, so maybe she’ll let me help out… Can’t be that bad, right?”

Dark Angel: “Then there’s the option to assist others to delve into their subconscious minds into Silent Ponyville to assist in dealing with issues from their past.”



"Now let me tell you my story Twilight." The Alicorn stated.



SC276: So important is it, it required starting a whole new quotation altogether even though it’s the same speaker. Also, he never actually said why he stole all the things- I mean items.

Scarlet: Which was a jerk thing to do and will no doubt inspire the party to let him die the moment he wanders five feet away from the group.

NaturalGlitch: His BO would probably keep all the monsters away.

Crazy56U: Still sticking with my half-assed theory…

Dark Angel: Well, even a half-assed theory is five times more assed than anything this fic could produce…



"Where should I begin, with my name… I guess my old name won't work here, so call me Baron Silver."



SC276: He’s in the same kingdom with Baron Wasteland and… huh, could’ve sworn there was a Captain Planet villain starting with “Baron.”

Scarlet: Even if there wasn’t, you could probably just say there was one named “Oil Baron” and nobody would question you.

NaturalGlitch: How about we call him Baron VonSucky Suck?

RJ: Because Duke Gold and Prince Platinum sound too egotistical. And probably taken already.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a notecard with “Title” written on it) Oops. (drops it)



"Now l am from the world of Earth, things are much different there; there is little peace and much war.



NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “The console wars were true horror.”

RJ: [Baron Silver] Rock and roll and the Cola wars, I couldn’t take it any more!

Crazy56U: NO! No fire! No more fire! I have been set on fire twice so far, and I refuse to be burned a third time! NO MORE!

Dark Angel: And the fire department won’t come to us anymore.



Silver said with a stern voice.



SC276: To make up for the missing quotation mark.

Scarlet: ...his name is Silver. As OC names go, that’s right up there with Bloodstorm, Shadow, and Nightmare for concepts to abandon at the gate.

RingmasterJ5: It’s no use! ...complaining, we’ve seen these names hundreds of times before and we’ll see them hundreds of times more.

Crazy56U: Take this! (pulls out a bottle of aspirin) I have a feeling that this is going to be necessary...



Continuing Silver said



SC276: [Silver] “I also have no idea what pronouns are.”

NaturalGlitch: I guess his first name changes at random. Maybe he’ll be called PunchMeAlot Silver.

Crazy56U: [Continuing Silver] “Wait, what, where did I come from, where am I, why am I looking at a shitty OC, what is happening?!”

[Silver] “Clam it, you’re interrupting story time!”



"I had the chance to get rid of the problems of my world, and I was sent here.



SC276: Yes, Earth certainly is benefitting from not having you around anymore.

Dark Angel: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly the case. He sucks so bad that him leaving Earth is in fact helping humanity.

Scarlet: Wait a minute, is this some kind of backdoor Conversion Bureau story?

NaturalGlitch: Teehee. Back door.

Crazy56U: (chuckles) Conversion Bureau...



For the past few weeks I've been a human in the world of ponies." Now flying Silver said



NaturalGlitch: Is he going to be called PleaseStabMe Silver anytime soon?

Crazy56U: I say we give him a different name altogether for the rest of this riff. ...Kevin. Kevin works.

SC276: I actually know a Kevin, so I’m just going to go with the BS name.

Dark Angel: My cousin is named Kevin. How about we call him FuckMe Silver.



"Ah having wings feels good, I've felt like I've had them forever,



SC276: In the context of Twilight getting wings, this is even more hilariously sad.

Scarlet: ...My above riff becomes disturbingly more accurate as this continues. He even transformed with a potion.

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Don’t ask where my clothes went.”

Topher: [Zecora] “Though it’s rather ill-fitting, soon you’ll all see, how classy my hat is M’lady.”

Crazy56U: (pukes blood) ...thanks for that, really...



but Twilight can you tell me something? What is the mark on your flank, why do I not have one?"



SC276: You’ve been seeing ponies around for awhile, and you’re only now questioning cutie marks? ...And haven’t already asked Zecora?

Scarlet: Maybe he did and she just got tired of speaking with him. Would’ve loved to see that scene: “I hope that you do not find me crass/when I say I don’t care about your blank ass.”

RJ: [Twilight] “Me and Rarity got blitzed one night and I woke up with this tramp stam~ OH, you mean the cutie mark!”

Crazy56U: Well, at least he isn’t a brony. That’s… somewhat better?



Twilight said "It's a cutie mark,



NaturalGlitch: I wonder how many bronies still think the flank is the butt of a pony. My guess is all of them.

Crazy56U: (pulls out $5) I like those odds...



you get one when you find your talent, and you have just became a pony… so I guess you didn't find your talent as a pony yet."



Scarlet: “Which I presume will be appearing from nowhere to rudely offer help to travelers.”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Oh~ So I get to hang around some little fillies all~ day~ long~♥”

Topher: [Celesto Grandruler] “There’s only one candyman around here BITCH!” *smites Silver with the force of a thousand pedo jokes*

Crazy56U: So… does this mean he’s going to join up with the CMC? B-because I don’t

like that implication. At all. (shudder)



Now saddened, Silver let out a depressed sigh and said



Kaijutsu: [Silver] “You mean I’m not perfect?!”

Crazy56U: [Silver] “I knew it... I suck…”



"I guess I will just have to find what I'm good at here."



SC276: Five bucks says fucking.

Scarlet: You’re on. I’ll also throw in this complementary alicorn liver!

SC276: It’s a bet!

NaturalGlitch: (vomits out of his nose and ears) Ow.

Crazy56U: ...where’d you get that liver, Scarlet?

Scarlet: It’s in your best interest not to question these things. And mine.



Silver flew off at the fastest speed Twilight has ever seen, or hasn't seen.



NaturalGlitch: “All he did was cover himself up with a blanket, giggling the whole time.”

Topher: Okay, this is starting to REALLY get too personal.

Crazy56U: This is seriously becoming more and more like a Sonic crossover fic. A character named Silver, who is moving around at the speed of sound, it’s shit… I mean, I can’t the only one who sees this, right?

SC276: Eh, I’m not seeing it. Silver is the one hedgehog in the games that can’t move fast, remember? At least not in his debut title; haven’t looked at any of the Rivals series.

Crazy56U: Okay, you got me on the fast thing, but at least my other points are valid, right?



Twilight didn't even see him leave he went off so fast.



SC276: OK. Um. Remember when Lightning did the pirouette thing? Yeah, just… copy my reaction to that here, what was it again? Oh yeah. *head explodes*

Scarlet: I rather wish you’d done that when you weren’t sitting right next to me. *sighs and resurrects*

NaturalGlitch: “Of course, with being so fast and not yet used to his body, Silver crashed into every tree and boulder he came across.”

Topher: *scoops some of the exploded-head-juice into a cocktail shaker, pours in various brightly colored and foul smelling liquids, shakes* Relax, guys! try some of this! it always takes the edge off. *takes a sip* Hmm. too much napalm. And it needs more red dye number-*disintegrates*

Crazy56U: He’s merged with the Speed Force!



Chapter 4

Silver had rushed off into Ponyville so he could start anew.



Crazy56U: ...which we already know… ...we’re not goldfish, you fuck.



Most of the ponies were shocked at the speed of this alicorn, or even that there was an alicorn who wasn't Celestia or Luna.



SC276: See, even they aren’t buying this shit.

Scarlet: So wait, he predicts Princess Twilight by a year and fails to account for Cadance? Nostradamus title, Revoked!

Kaiutsu: Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Princess Cadence briefly feels the faint sensation of dodging a bullet.

Crazy56U: So, it’s been confirmed: Cadance refused to take part in this tripe. Good for her.



The Mayor of Ponyville came out and went up to Silver, "Well who might you be now?"



NaturalGlitch: [Mayor Mare] “I see you also dye your mane silver.”

Crazy56U: [Mayor Mare] “And give me one good reason why I should beat you to death right here and now?”



Silver stated in a clear voice "I am Baron Silver; I've come to live here in Ponyville."



SC276: That’s nice, dear.

Scarlet: “Well who might you be, massive, handsome quasi-deity who is probably royalty and I am thus speaking to in a completely unfitting manner?”

NaturalGlitch: The fandom really needs to let go of this god/deity fanon; all it’s doing is causing trouble and endless made-up bitching from bronies.

Scarlet: As opposed to this story, where alicorns come out of the woods and set up shop in town and the one character most obsessed with royalty (which they do have a clear link to) just sort of goes “Oh who are you, unremarkable stranger”?

NaturalGlitch: See?

Crazy56U: (slams Scarlet and Glitch’s heads together again) You two don’t learn, do you…

Scarlet: No-ho-hoooo…. *returns to sobbing*

NaturalGlitch: Ouchies! ...wait—am I still on fire? I wondered what smelled so delicious.



A trail of smoke and dust still left behind from when Silver was flying



NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Why did I eat all those tacos for lunch?”

Crazy56U: Appropriate music time!

Topher: I CAN AND WILL SET YOU ON FIRE AGAIN.



into Ponyville lead a curious Rainbow Dash down from the clouds.



Scarlet: “God damn it, is that another contrived plot going on down there? Guess I’d better go down and return what awesome I can to the story.”

NaturalGlitch: Oh. So he also knows how to fly right off the bat. I am so shocked, you guys.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Whoever just woke me from my nap is going to enter a world of pain…”



Rainbow Dash said "Whoever just did that, I want to race you!"



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Are you the super secret member of the Wonderbolts—the fabled ‘Retardo’ pony?!”

RJ: [Rainbow] “Let’s get my enviable loss out of the way so I can get back to my nap.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow Dash] “Yes, time to race random strangers, clearly this will end well!”



Baron Silver said with a chuckle "Well now who are you dear?"



SC276: I’m not sure whether it’s refreshing or aggravating that the human doesn’t already know everyone’s names already.

Scarlet: Can we at least settle on the fact that his calling everyone “dear” is obnoxious? It’s like the kind of thing I’d say to an internet troll!

NaturalGlitch: (shrugs) Maybe he’s just really old? It never did specify what age this guy is.

Crazy56U: He’s probably 5…

Scarlet: In that case, what’s to come is even more horrifying than I’d expected.

Crazy56U: ...why do I feel like I made a mistake with that comment...



"Just the most fast flyer in all the Ponyville!" Rainbow Dash boasted.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “I also grammar good!”

Scarlet: “Twilight, why are you trying to strangle yourself?”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Want to see me fly to that hill? Want to see me do it again?”

Crazy56U: The most fast.



"Hmm a race would be fun, just too where would you like to race?" Silver said with a grin. Rainbow Dash said "To the edge of the Everfree Forest and back"



SC276: Which edge? There’s, like, quite a few edges to that place.

Scarlet: Given that it seems to border literally every part of Ponyville in this story, I presume this racecourse will be about a meter long.

NaturalGlitch: It seems like it just a large donut, like every Luigi track in the Mario Kart series.

Topher: Don’t you dare talk shit about Gamecube Luigi Circuit!

Crazy56U: Such edge.



"Very well, I'll give you a head start as I am a gentlepony. Silver replied.



Scarlet: You know in most of the anime I watched when I was a kid, introducing a suave, condescending pretty boy was code for “this guy is the arc villain.”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “I like to narrate what I say so I can hear my own voice, the insecure bed wetter said.”

Crazy56U: (holds up a quotation mark) Hey, did anyone drop this?



"I don't need a head start!" Rainbow Dash hollered. "Fine then, we will go on the mark of 3 then."



Scarlet: What a pity. I was going to suggest we all go over to “The Sign of Four” instead. I could use some Sherlock Holmes right about now.

Crazy56U: I’d make a Charmed joke, but I refuse to acknowledge its existence...



Silver smirked. The mayor began counting "1…. 2…. 3….



NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Three and a half...”

Kaijutsu: Because the Mayor is instantly the referee of any competition which takes place in front of her. It's the law.

Topher: And Pinkie Pie just happened to drift by in a hot air balloon to give commentary.

Crazy56U: [Mayor Mare] “Eh, I love a good train wreck. Why not take part in this...”



GO" It had seemed as if it was only a second and Silver had returned, Rainbow Dash had just gotten to the forest in the time it took him to get there and back.



SC276: Anyone else getting tired of Marty Stus outracing Rainbow Dash? Like, seriously, do they all have to go so whole-hog on the unbelieveable bits?

Scarlet: It’s actually part of the contractually obligated checklist, along with equaling or beating Twilight at magic and easily dealing with a canonical problem that caused the mane six trouble.

NaturalGlitch: I can’t wait for the pseudo-intellectual vomit this guy will spew and be right all the time.

Topher: *Exasperated Sigh* Alright, Alright. I’ve got one ready.

Crazy56U: Do it again, I wasn’t looking!



When Rainbow Dash returned, she was panting and barely managed to say "Your good" to Silver



Scarlet: *finger guns*

Crazy56U: Well, that’s a lie...



. Silver only said "Why thank you" and began to walk away.



SC276: This is reminding me of that parody Sue fic that RatherHomely did once. Like, seriously, I thought those things were just exaggerating.

NaturalGlitch: “Since he was still in the air, he ‘walked’ right into the ground.”

Crazy56U: Wait, he’s walking on air? ...huh, believe or not...



Sweetie Belle came up to Silver and asked



NaturalGlitch: [Sweetie Belle] “How did I get in the air?”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie Belle] “Would you like to see the strongman?”



"Why do you not have a cutie mark?" Silver shrugged and said "I do not know little filly.



SC276: Given he just outraced the fastest pegasus in Ponyville, you’d think that would trigger something.

Scarlet: “Little Filly”- he’s supposed to be an asshole, right?

Topher: If not, that’s just the “Befriends Everyone” square in Mary Sue Bingo.

Crazy56U: [Silver] “The author is too incompetent to give an actual reason…”



Twilight had finally returned to Ponyville, seeing the mess everything was



SC276: The wind speeds alone had torn four houses from their foundations, and let’s not talk about the statue he went through instead of around.

Topher: MILLIONS ARE DEAD.

Crazy56U: And thus, this became a sequel to “Double Rainboom”...



and how excited everyone was Silver must have just gotten here.



NaturalGlitch: [pony] “He flew so fast my eardrums ruptured!”

Kaijutsu: Only a self-insert could do this to ponies...

Crazy56U: In fact, they were so excited, they didn’t even care that he just destroyed

the town!



When Rainbow Dash had regained her breath she darted off to get to talk to Silver. When she had reached Silver, the first thing she said was "That's the best flying I ever did see, can you teach me how to do that?"



Scarlet: If we know one thing about Rainbow Dash, it’s that she takes losing extremely well. Extremely well.

NaturalGlitch: I don’t know, she was OK about losing to Maud with boulder tossing.

Scarlet: Or has the self-preservation instinct not to continue beef with someone who can create nuclear rock-splosions.

NaturalGlitch: Yeah, you’re right; Rainbow will never grow as a character.

Crazy56U: Hey now, it’s equally plausible that she wants to learn his technique so that she can improve upon it and thrash him the next time they race! ...also… (slams Scarlet and Glitch’s heads together)

NaturalGlitch: (in a daze) I am the king of jelly beans!

Scarlet: I’m just sort of used to it now.



Silver laughed a bit and replied with "I'd teach you if I knew how I did it."



NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “All I did was drink gasoline and fart.”

Topher: Yeah, I tried that once. Now I’m not allowed near the gas station anymore.

Crazy56U: Heh, beats the crap out of my method: jamming a fork into a toaster...



Dash was confused how he could not know how he went so fast.



SC276: No, if you’re anything like me, that’s your brain shutting down in self-defense. Also, it’s probably like the Seven League Boots or something.

Scarlet: I tried checking his character sheet, but it just has the words “Plot Convenience” scrawled all over it in glitter pen.

NaturalGlitch: So that’s where I left it. I had to use markers for a while.

Crazy56U: I feel ya, Dash. It’s astounding that he refuses to read the script...



Rainbow Dash had a look on her face, she was deeply confused.



Scarlet: Appropriate reaction to being in this story, my friend.

NaturalGlitch: And like every hack HiE writer, he has to tell us things we already know over and over again.

Crazy56U: (eats some Goldfish crackers) I know, right?



Silver gazed at Rainbow Dash, "Is there something wrong, uh I don't know your name."



Scarlet: What, no “honey” or “dearie”? Come on, if you’re going to be condescending you shouldn’t drop it so early!



"The name is Rainbow Dash" she replied. "Well Rainbow Dash, you are an amazing flyer you do know that."



Scarlet: “As a human who transformed into a demi-god while dwelling in an alien universe and had all my talents handed to me, I have context for knowing you’re amazing because-”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “You looked so cute following my fart flying style.”



Dash blushed, "Thank you" she responded.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, I know I’m awesome, but keep the praise comin’.”

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “And your eyes are so adorable and cute ohmygoodness~” [Dash, in a huff] “I am not cute! I’m awesome!” [Baron Silver] “Awesomely cute?”

Topher: [Baron Silver] “Oh you dirty bitch! work the shaft! Sorry, I just like to talk dirty when someone’s SUCKING MY DICK.” [Dash] “Do you want me to oh great Marty Stu?”

Crazy56U: (pukes on the floor) T-thanks for that...



Dash had just noticed something about Silver that she did not notice before.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “The two first letters in your name is ‘B’ and ‘S’! Ha!”



Silver had horn and wings. "You're an alicorn." Rainbow Dash let out.



SC276: Took ya this long to notice?!

Scarlet: I assume Dash was just trying as hard as she could to imagine she was in a story with a lower bullshit quotient.

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “They’re totally real and I’m not a changeling!”

Crazy56U: She probably thought the horn was a tumor at first...



Silver said "Why is that surprising? Everyone thinks it is the most amazing thing ever." "I guess it's just rare to see an alicorn now." Dash giggled.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Like, suspiciously rare.”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Why is your eye all blue? And what’s with the bug like wings?”



Chapter 5



SC276: At least they’re… short?

RingmasterJ5: Halfway through already… but knowing how much more boring the fic gets it won’t feel that way.



As the weeks passed, Rainbow Dash and Baron Silver had grown fonder of each other,



SC276: OH MY GOD. *slams into wall*

Scarlet: Mobile Fortress, remain on standby. We may need to prep for a world-class nuke yet.

RJ: I have a feeling that ‘ten seconds flat’ is going to take on a whole new meaning.

Topher: OH BOY HERE WE GO.

Crazy56U: … (grabs suitcases) I’m going back on vacation, fuck this. (leaves)



spending more and more of their days together.



NaturalGlitch: “He even gave her a parasprite bikini, but she didn’t go for it very well.”



Silver had noticed that he had fallen in love with Rainbow Dash; she was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen.



SC276: OK, who’s blindfolding him whenever he’s near Carousel Boutique?

Scarlet: Or Sweet Apple Acres? I mean, come on guys. I’m just saying. *stares at Big Macintosh*

NaturalGlitch: ... (edges closer to the exit)



She was athletic and they enjoyed the same foods, movies and the same music.



SC276: It’s almost like they were made for each other. Or, more specifically, he was made for her.

Scarlet: The last time I read a human/Rainbow Dash romance it was in Xenophilia, there was even less of a conflict and even more of a timeskip, and somehow it was still a hundred percent less bullshit.

NaturalGlitch: And that’s why that is one of my favorite MLP fanfics ever.



Rainbow Dash was feeling the same way about Silver, as Silver felt for her.



Scarlet: So a vague sense of condescending appreciation?

NaturalGlitch: “They even walk on hooves! Can you imagine that?”



Silver had never felt true love before, growing up a homeless child on the streets of New York.



SC276: Yeah, sure, backstory now. Why the hell not.

NaturalGlitch: Did anyone else hear a car crashing sound or was that my brain?

Topher: I’m just wondering why New York? Have you ever noticed that? It’s always New York!



Now Silver could put his past behind him and move towards making his life in Ponyville much better than his life in the city.



Scarlet: And in a perfect world, he’d start by stealing one of Professor Elm’s rare Pokémon!

NaturalGlitch: Wait until he goes to Fillydelphia or Manehatten. He’d probably suffer flashbacks.



Silver had told Rainbow Dash to come to his house tonight to watch another movie.



NaturalGlitch: “It was Headless Horse vs The Shadow Pony. Rainbow was sure the latter was going to win.”

Topher: Nah, Headless Horse all the way!



Silver had never seen a movie or even a T.V. until he came to Ponyville.



SC276: So… what, he was doing his best gentlemen impression? And he somehow lived in New York and never saw a single electronics store? Or movie theater?

Scarlet: Possibly he was an Englishman in New York for the first bit. And under a rock in New York for the second.

NaturalGlitch: There are T.V.s in Ponyville? Makes sense, I guess, but I assumed they used projectors mainly.



There was one thing that Silver did know. He knew his parents hated him.



Scarlet: Overused, boring character trope bingo card please!

NaturalGlitch: Is this going to turn into Jeff the Killer?

Topher: Well, I’ve already set one up for Mary Sues, but sure! Overused character trope bingo! I’m gonna start stockpiling these, have card ready to go whenever the need arises.



He only had one memory of his life with his parents and that was when his mother killed his father when he was 2 years old.



Scarlet: Previous statement retracted. Instead, can I ask why we’re not reading that story? Sounds way more interesting.

NaturalGlitch: “She literally nagged him to death.”



His mother badly wounded gushing blood left him out on the streets to fend for him.



SC276: At age two? Are you kidding me? I’m not sure that’s the right age at the threshold of both young and old when he can intentionally utilize doe-eyes with perfect success.

NaturalGlitch: “And then he was adopted by Batman.”



Later in his life around the age of 8 he got into a gang,



NaturalGlitch: They were a gang of hippies. Nice folk, if a bit smelly at times.



he was robbing stores by age 10, when the gang gave him his first gun.



Scarlet: I’d joke about this, but somehow it’s actually a leap in writing quality from the previous bits.

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately, it was a Nerf gun.”



He noticed what he was doing was wrong,



NaturalGlitch: He wanted a super soaker instead.



so he bailed on the gang and went back to living on the streets begging just to get enough money for his food.



SC276: Only a Marty Stu could leave the gangsta life.

Scarlet: I find the fact that a ten year old had a moral epiphany more unbelievable than him being a child gangster, honestly.

NaturalGlitch: He didn’t go to a shelter because...?



Thinking about his past really did make the time fly.



NaturalGlitch: “He’s been staring at a wall. The drool pile by his feet could be used to water trees.”



Rainbow Dash had opened the door to his house.



NaturalGlitch: The wave of stink barreled into Rainbow’s face, melting her nose on the spot.



He knew tonight would be the night that he asked Rainbow Dash to be his girlfriend.



SC276: How long before this turns into a really cheap dating sim?

Scarlet: Well, it doesn’t have an endearingly terrible translation from the original Japanese yet, and there’s only one potential target of affection so far, so we’re a pretty far ways off.



He handed her a ticket.



NaturalGlitch: If it’s a golden ticket, just be careful not to drink or eat anything.

RJ: It’s from the Ponyville PD. They just amassed all the speeding fines into one ticket.



The ticket was for the Wonderbolts race that was sold out a few weeks ago.



Scarlet: Rainbow Dash was so shocked that she accidentally divided this action across two separate, complete sentences!

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “I think my heart just Rainboomed!”



Rainbow Dash was screaming with excitement.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Ah! Spiders! Get ‘em off me!”

Topher: *pulls out a flamethrower* I got ‘em!



Silver asked, "Rainbow Dash, will you go as my date to the race?" Rainbow Dash, still caught up in the moment said "Of course I will!"



SC276: Oh just fuck already!

Scarlet: Seriously! I want some anatomically improbable sex up in this! It’s been so long since I’ve had real hilarity to riff!

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Let me tell you how dating works here.”



It was the time to go to the race, Rainbow Dash and Silver darted off.



NaturalGlitch: “Baron’s house exploded from the act, but he probably will magically make a new one or something stupid.”



During the midpoint of the race Silver, whispered to Rainbow Dash "I want to take this a step further."



Scarlet: “I think we’re ready for adorable couple nicknames.”

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “I shall call you Silver-liver the hug giver, OK?” [Baron Silver] “...it’s perfect!”



Rainbow Dash was flushed, this had been the best night of her life, and now the person who she loved admitted that he loved her back.



Scarlet: And soon her elaborate plan for revenge after his insulting behavior during their first race would be complete.

NaturalGlitch:[Dash] “I’m only going to hug you for four seconds! Take that, Silver!”



After the race, Rainbow Dash and Silver went back to his house to spend the night together and watch some movies.



SC276: ...Does anyone care what Spike’s doing in all this? Like, I think Twilight left him behind in the Everfree last chapter.

RingmasterJ5: No one else matters anymore besides the Stu and Rainbow. ...Well, them and another character in the next chapter.

SC276: *glances a little ahead* … *rams the wall again*

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, it’s one of those fics now as well. Because why the fuck not, it’s no use trying to argue.

Scarlet: I love that both of you guys brought up Spike and nobody’s mentioned the fact that Twilight dropped off the face of the earth pretty much just as quickly.

NaturalGlitch: Or literally everyone else in the story.



Chapter 6

The sun had risen into the next day,



SC276: As opposed to yesterday afternoon.

Scarlet: Hey, at least one thing in this story isn’t terrible and wrong.



the light from the window of Silver's house shined into Silver's eyes.



NaturalGlitch: “Odd, since his room doesn’t have windows.”

Topher: Don’t you hate it when that happens? You’re all comfy, and BAM! the sun hits you right in the face, half your nose crumbles to dust, and you have to drink the blood of like 3 virgins just to get it back.



Silver yawned, with his hoof upon Rainbow Dash's mane.



Scarlet: Idle thoughts of murder swam through his mind, but they were pushed down. He would find another way to pay back his Faustian bargain.



Dash was still sound asleep.



NaturalGlitch: “From the kicks Rainbow was giving in her sleep, she must be dreaming about a fight scene. Silver didn’t mind the few hooks into his face at all.”

Topher: “In fact, he was aroused by them.”



Silver thought it would be a good idea to go get something for him and Dash to eat.



NaturalGlitch: “—since he hasn’t eaten anything for five minutes now.”



Silver would have made the food himself, but he still had not learned how to make any of the pony food.



SC276: You’ve been here how long now?

Scarlet: So implicitly, he sucks so hard at cooking he can’t put together a salad?

NaturalGlitch: Reminds me of my first few days living alone.





Silver got out of bed,



NaturalGlitch: “And ♫brushed a comb on top of his head.♫”



trying not to make any noise.



SC276: But failing terribly. Not being able to be quiet is the one part of him that’s not perfect.

Topher: All he has to do is get through the hall of precariously stacked objects!



Silver began to walk out of his house and head over to Sugar Cube Corner.



SC276: Yeah, don’t even leave a note for your hot-headed girlfriend where you went. Just head out without telling anyone. That won’t leave her in a panic.

NaturalGlitch: Don’t worry; she can track him through his smell.



On his way to Sugar Cube Corner, he saw a young filly on the streets alone.



NaturalGlitch: “She was belting out her favorite song with the volume of her earphones jammed all the way up.”



This filly had been one of the ponies that had attacked him in the forest when he was still a human.



Scarlet: So wait, roving bands of small children go into the forest and attack monsters on a regular basis? I thought we were kidding about the ninja thing!

NaturalGlitch: [Sweetie Belle] “Ha! And they said a hydra would be tough to kill.”



"Hello little pony, why are you out alone so early?" Silver asked trying to be gentle with his words.



SC276: But failed terribly.

Scarlet: “Mommy said if anyone talked to me like that, I should hit them with this tazer!”



The filly looked up at him and said "I'm Scootaloo, don't you know?" said the filly.



NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “I’m going to bust some fresh moves all over the place! ...just as soon as I find my scooter. (toothy grin) A little help?”



"Don't I know what" Silver said in a confused tone. "I'm homeless" said Scootaloo and a few tears began to roll down her cheeks.



SC276: If anything about season 5 makes me happy, it’s that it instantly invalidates every single fic where Scootaloo doesn’t have a home.

NaturalGlitch: And it took six years for bronies to figure this out. I bet their flabby arms beat their keyboards in pathetic shame that the show invalidated their shitty headcanon. “B-but the popular fanon! This is worse than genocide!”

Scarlet: I just feel deep shame that I didn’t see this coming as soon as we found out Silver was the Littlest Gangster.



Silver felt that this filly is living the life he had. "Not anymore" Silver said happily.



NaturalGlitch: And that’s when Scootaloo’s parents came by and beat the crap out of Baron Silver, right? RIGHT?



"What do you mean?" said Scootaloo. "Why don't you come and live with me?" Silver asked the filly.



Scarlet: “I foresee no issues with going off to live with a strange, older man wandering the streets at odd hours.”

NaturalGlitch: Especially one that was from another dimension and mutated.

Topher: Wasn’t that an episode of Rick and Morty?



Scootaloo rose up quickly and said "I'd love too; also what is your name?"



SC276: Smooth, criminal. Also, how does she not know already, it’s been weeks, he’s been hanging with her idol, and he should’ve been the talk of the town since alicorn.

NaturalGlitch: Even the ponies in the fic itself find him boring. Wow.



"I am Baron Silver" replied Silver.



Scarlet: If there’s one good thing about this story it’s that this name just works as a punchline all on its own.

NaturalGlitch: You know, just in case we didn’t catch his name before.



Silver and Scootaloo began to walk over to Sugar Cube Corner,



NaturalGlitch: If he invites you into a windowless van, you kick him in the shin and run, Scootaloo.



where Mr. and Mrs. Cake were just putting out the first batches of goodies.



SC276: A basket full of- *KABOOM* ...goodies.

Scarlet: Mobile Fortress activated just in time! I escaped that with only minor singing!



Silver looked around and after being totally stumped on what to buy for Rainbow Dash,



SC276: You’ve been seeing her for awhile and yet you can’t guess what she wants for breakfast? What kind of crap boyfriend are you?

Scarlet: The kind who requires an extended timeskip in order to justify his relationship.

NaturalGlitch: [Baron Silver] “Hmm... Red Bull or an energy shot?”



he turned to Scootaloo and said "Do you know what Rainbow Dash's favorite breakfast is?"



NaturalGlitch:

SC276: *collapses laughing* OK, Glitch, that was pretty good.

Fallen Prime: Glitch wins the Riff of the Week Award. The prize is a cookie.



"Chocolate chip pancakes" said Scootaloo.



SC276: Well, can’t argue with that choice.

Scarlet: I can. Because I like waffles! *angrily eats one*

SC276: Well I like both, so…

Scarlet: Silence! There is no middle ground in any conflict on the internet! If you are a fan of a thing you must reject all else! Marvel or DC! Pancakes or Waffles! French or Italian! I was going somewhere with this and- mmm, hey, pancakes!

Topher: *scheming in the corner* Yes, yes, enjoy your pancakes fools, for you do not know the potato-y wrath that shall soon befall you! THE HASH BROWNS SHALL RISE AND RULE ALL OF BREAKFAST! *Starts laughing maniacally as he fries some hash browns over a fire*



Silver had noticed that he had never had breakfast with Rainbow Dash yet.



SC276: And yet Scootaloo had?

Scarlet: Scootaloo hasn’t yet told him that she’s “homeless” only insofar as this is her third time running away from home because her mom grounded her for coming back covered in tree sap.



Silver ordered 2 orders of chocolate chip pancakes and allowed Scootaloo to order her own meal.



SC276: If Scootaloo’s homeless, where’s she getting the money for this food?

Scarlet: ...The more we keep going, the more my above statement gains credence.



Scootaloo asked for an apple pie,



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Applejack and I aren’t on the menu, silly!”



it was rare when Scootaloo would get an apple pie, because she was homeless.



SC276: Well, Marie Callender's apple pie costs about $8 and that’s apparently on the cheaper end, so…

Scarlet: I would presume she usually gets them on a five-finger discount.

Topher: And yet it still had less sugar than your average children’s breakfast cereal.



Now returning home Scootaloo and Silver had had a good morning together.



NaturalGlitch: “Meanwhile, Rainbow just fell out of bed and thinks the blanket is the monster from her dream; it never stood a chance.”



Silver was happy that he could stop someone from going down the same path that he did.



SC276: Aww, but Scootaloo in gang colors holding a little gun would be adorable!

Scarlet: Corrupting the youth should never inspire me to make so many “dawww” noises.

NaturalGlitch: All she would need to do is smile and the attacker's heart would explode.



Silver walked into his room and woke Dash up after setting up breakfast on the table.



NaturalGlitch: “Rainbow couldn’t come up with a cool reason why she was tearing apart her pillow like a rabid dog.”



Dash and Silver walked into the kitchen. Scootaloo was shocked to see Dash here.



Scarlet: “Seriously, Dash? This guy? You could do so much better! I’ve seen some of your other potential ships! You could be banging actual royalty right now!”

NaturalGlitch: ...ew.

Scarlet: You admitted to reading Xenophilia earlier, you’ve lost the right to “ew”.

NaturalGlitch: Hmm... Nah. EW.



"I guess that's why you wanted to know what Rainbow Dash's favorite breakfast was!" said Scootaloo.



SC276: I suppose wanting to know all the Rainbow Dash trivia wouldn’t cause Scootaloo to be suspicious...

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “And here I thought it was only because you’re an idiot.”



Rainbow Dash asked Silver why Scootaloo was here. Silver whisper to Rainbow Dash "She was homeless so I took her in"



Scarlet: “Huh. I, her surrogate big sister and idol, did not know this! And- wow I feel like shit now.”

NaturalGlitch: I just love—LOVE!—how one episode annihilated all the Scoota-buse lovers. Unfortunately, the pedophiles came out of the woodwork after they were done with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. This is surely a great fandom.

Scarlet: I’m sensing a level of contempt and I actually sympathize.

Topher: So far I have set three fires and caused the deaths of multiple people in this riff, and I look down on those guys.



Dash whisper back "That's so sweet of you" and she kissed Silver on the cheek.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “So when did you fill out the adoption papers?” [Silver] “The… what now?”

NaturalGlitch: And then Baron remembered he doesn’t know how to write.



Scootaloo went off to play with her friends.



NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Now let’s go bag us a Ursa Major, Cutie Mark Crusaders! It’s the last monster on the checklist.”



Now alone enjoying their breakfast together Rainbow Dash asked Silver how he found out that Scootaloo was homeless.



Scarlet: “You do realize she occasionally tells people that just to see if she can get ‘em to buy her pastry, right?”

NaturalGlitch: Odd that she would go through all that trouble when a smile is all that is needed.



SC276: OH GOD MY HEART *collapses*

Topher: My god… What’s happening to me? It’s almost as if- yes! the voices are going away! I’ve lost my insatiable urge to kill! I’M CURED BY CUTENESS! Thank you, Glitch! Thank you so much, I can never repay you the kindness you have done for me! THIS GIVES ME AN ENTIRELY NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE!



Silver answered by saying he saw her all alone when he went out to get breakfast for Rainbow Dash and himself.



SC276: Also, he asked.

Scarlet: All aboard the redundancy train! Next stop, reiterating more plot points we’ve previously established!

NaturalGlitch: We all would be done by now if he cut out the fat too!



Rainbow Dash loved the fact the Silver was kind and generous to other people.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Like some other unicorn I knew before you came in and snuffed out the rest of my life.”

Scarlet: See my above riff.



Dash wanted to take Silver to see Cloudsdale today, but now that Scootaloo was staying with them, they would have to wait for her to come home.



SC276: I thought you didn’t have a problem leaving people alone when they weren’t aware without leaving a note.

NaturalGlitch: That’s only if they’re sleeping. That’s totally different.



Instead today, Rainbow Dash would introduce all of her friends to Silver.



SC276: It’s been freakin’ weeks or something! How does he not know them already?!

NaturalGlitch: Maybe he spends all day staring at the wallpaper. It’s not like we know what job he has or anything.



Silver had already become good friends with Twilight and some of the other ponies around town,



NaturalGlitch: “He would often get into wrestling matches with the other stallions. He didn’t mind if he lost, if you know what I mean.”

Topher: New outlook on life gone. Kill time now.



but had not spent any time with Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack or Fluttershy.



Scarlet: Holy shit, the entire universe just came back at once! It’s like a miniature big bang!

SC276: ~All the galaxies were born in less time than it takes to sing this song…~

Topher: Fluttershy’s a recluse, so I can believe that Silver never met her. However, I can’t believe this whole time he never once came into contact with any of the three major businesses in ponyville?



Rainbow Dash said she wanted to go out alone for a little bit.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Oh, right, I have a job and friends I like to hang out with! How did I forget?”



Silver need to take a shower and wanted to fix the house up a bit anyway.



Scarlet: “I’ve decided we don’t have nearly enough gang symbols. And we don’t own anything with my face on it!”



Now Rainbow Dash went out to Sugar Cube Corner to talk with Pinkie Pie to hold a party for Silver.



Scarlet: Biggest OOC moment of the story- new alicorn in town and Pinkie wasn’t one of the first to greet him and needs to be asked to hold him a party after he’s already been living in town for several weeks, if not months.

SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “The backlog was getting a bit full with all the other HiE OCs, OK?!”

NaturalGlitch: Poor Pinkie probably had to recalibrate all her parties to accommodate for this guy.



Pinkie Pie said that she would invite everyone to the party, and asked Rainbow Dash to get a long list of party goods,



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Make sure you get the frosting from the back; it’s way fresher!”

Topher: [Pinkie] “And make sure not to skimp on the booze! It’s the only way to make this guy tolerable.”



most of them being found on Sugar Cube Corner. Rainbow Dash thought it would be best to get all the food first.



SC276: If any of it needs refrigeration, you done goofed.

Topher: [Pinkie Pie] “I’m taking care of the food, I just told you to go out and get the other stuff, you never even left!” [Dash] “Wait, we were at Sugarcube Corner the whole time?” [Pinkie] “No shit, Sherlock! I live here!”



Rainbow Dash had to order all sorts of candies, cakes, and other goodies too.



Scarlet: What can I say? It’s not a Ponyville celebration without explosives!

NaturalGlitch: Fireworks; please say it’s fireworks.

Topher: *holding small nuclear warhead* NOPE!



Rainbow Dash noticed that the only other thing that she had to get that wasn't food was balloons.



Scarlet: Author, let’s you and me sit down and talk about “significant details”.

NaturalGlitch: I guess someone else is getting the streamers.



Rainbow Dash had given all the items to Pinkie Pie when she came back.



NaturalGlitch: “Since Pinkie grew up on a rock farm, so has the strength to lift up all the goods on her snout and skipped around.”



Pinkie began to set up for the party and wanted Rainbow Dash to go, so it could be a surprise for her too.



SC276: Because why not.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Well, OK, but—” [Pinkie] “Surprise!” [Dash] “How the heck did you set it all up already?!”



Rainbow Dash went back home to Silver, and had seen that he had fixed his house up to make it better for a filly to live in.



SC276: [Silver] “Can you believe I actually had to lower it all the way to the ground? Wish I knew she couldn’t fly when I saw her.”

NaturalGlitch: I’d just get an elevator or some stairs. Made of clouds, of course, because that’s cute.



Silver had turned the extra room that had been empty since he moved into the house into a room for Scootaloo;



Scarlet: “Your basket’s over there in the corner.”

NaturalGlitch: It turns out the basket has a pocket dimension in it, so Scootaloo has infinite space now.

Topher: Yeah, but the pocket dimension was the same one that Discord lives in. She was eaten by a toaster in her sleep. Silver couldn’t take the guilt and killed himself the following morning. HAPPY END!



he had painted it, bought a bed and some other things to make it the best room for her.



NaturalGlitch: At least he’s not using his Mary Sue powers and making these things appear.



He wanted Scootaloo to have the best life she could have because he never had a good life for himself until he had came into Equestria.



SC276: Somehow.

Scarlet: Nothing can stop the redundancy train! Nothing! *Wooo, woo!*

Topher: Nothing can stop the redundancy train, as it cannot be stopped! This is because it is in fact unstoppable!



Rainbow Dash was starting to figure out that Silver had a rough time growing up,



NaturalGlitch: He could only afford one scoop of raisins for his cereal.

Topher: WHOA! I had no idea people lived in such poverty!



but would never know the extent that it was too.



SC276: The extent of this fic is indeed too.



She knew that he was this nice to Scootaloo because his parents must have never been there for him or something like that.



Scarlet: ...Wait did I just hallucinate that whole bit where he shared his backstory?

NaturalGlitch: Wait—you saw that too?

Topher: I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I saw was this picture.

NaturalGlitch: OH MY GOD SO CUTE—(heart explodes)

Topher: *makes a tally mark on scrap of paper, singing quietly* Another one bites the dust.



It was time for the party, Rainbow Dash asked Silver to come with her to Sugar Cube Corner.



NaturalGlitch: “He got lost and ended up back on Earth.”



When they arrived they were shocked that everypony in Ponyville was able to come to the party.



SC276: I’m not sure how that’s really a shock. Did the author even see the first episode?

NaturalGlitch: I ask that question a lot when we riff these fics.

Scarlet: Better question- did the author ever see the show?

Topher: Worst case scenario, he did, and he’s now trying to fix it.



Rainbow Dash only wanted the people that he did not know to come to the party.



SC276: [indigent Mayor Mare] “Fine if I’m not invited! I’ve got paperwork to do! Didn’t want to go to some silly party anyway!”



It was pretty good at least because he would feel more comfortable around ponies he had already friends with.



NaturalGlitch: “That’s why she used a rope to tie herself up on Sliver’s back.”



Rainbow Dash made sure that Silver met her best friends that he had not already met.



Scarlet: Which inexplicably includes the one pony you literally cannot avoid meeting- god damn it I just hate everything sometimes.

SC276: Orange juice? *offers juice box*

Scarlet: *holds up sake dish* ….s’gonna be a long night.

SC276: *fills it with juice* I hear ya, brother.

Topher: *drinks once more from his cocktail shaker* Ah, a perfect mix! You guys sure you don’t want some? I got the mixture just right, It’s nonlethal 70 percent of the time!



He first met Rarity, who was shocked at how tall he was, and that an alicorn wanted to live in Ponyville.



NaturalGlitch: Rarity was so excited she needed to use the restroom.





"Why aren't you living in Canterlot" Rarity asked Silver.



Scarlet: “Not to be rude, but we’d rather like it if you stayed as far away from all of us as equinely possible.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “At least until you take a bath first. We can almost see the stink lines.”



Silver replied saying "he I like it here, it's nice and calm in Ponyville" and then began to walk off.



Scarlet: BULLSHIT. DID YOU NOT READ MY TYPICAL WEEKEND GAGS.

SC276: Who does this guy think he is, Lightning?

Scarlet: If that were true, he’d have announced he was nobody’s slave like thirteen times by now. And there would’ve been a monologue about L’cie somewhere. And Snow would be in this story and I would be enjoying it much more for it.

SC276: ...I meant Lightning Dawn, but OK.



He then ran into Applejack and Fluttershy, both of them were having a slice of cake and some punch.



Scarlet: Significant. Details.

NaturalGlitch: But what kind of cake and punch?! TELL US!

Topher: Chocolate and Very Berry Blue.



Rainbow Dash had waved over Applejack and Fluttershy to come over and talk with Silver.



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “And I had to put him down. He was so old and brittle... It was his idea, and he was so sick... (sniff).” [Applejack] “Don’t worry, Fluttershy (pats her shoulder) It was only a game, after all.” [Fluttershy] “I know, but...”



Applejack and Fluttershy at the same time asked "Is that the pony you are always talking about being so great?" Rainbow Dash proudly said "Yes he is."



SC276: [Applejack] “I’ll be honest, Rainbow, the reason we didn’t come see him sooner is because we were sure you were makin’ ‘im up.”

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “And, um, he didn’t make an effort to get to know us on his own...”



"He sure looks strong maybe he can come and help us out during apple buck season.



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Maybe he can scrub up after the little piggies or help us plant trees. It’s not like ALL we ever do on the farm is apple related.”

Topher: Serious question: Ponies are vegetarian, yet they raise pigs in the canon show. For what purpose? They don’t produce milk, so why keep hem around?

NaturalGlitch: To show off how handsome they are at fairs, of course. Such cuties, really. ...what?!



Silver said "I would love to help the ponies here in any way I can"



SC276: [Silver] “Telling you now, though, I can’t do much about all the missing quotation marks.”



Silver was not going to go back on his promise to Twilight to help the ponies in Ponyville because of the stealing he did.



SC276: Which he hadn’t been doing the entire time he was courting Rainbow?

Scarlet: He wasn’t going to go back on it so much as eternally table it. That’s what we call “Politics!”

NaturalGlitch: I think the fic just barfed exposition on us.

Topher: Oh, god! I got some in my mouth!



Silver and Rainbow Dash had ran into the CMC nearing the end of the party.



NaturalGlitch: [CMC] “Cutie Mark Crusaders disk jockeys!” [DJ Pon-3] “Hey, not bad. Wanna start an album together?”

Topher: And that’s how Daft Punk was born.



They told Scootaloo that they would be going home soon.



Scarlet: I think this fic died about a chapter ago and I’m just witnessing its shambling corpse as it drags itself from event to event, trying desperately to bring itself to a conclusion.

NaturalGlitch: Kinda like a Joy mutant.



Sweetie belle turned to Scootaloo and asked her why it is important to be to know that Rainbow Dash and Silver were going home soon.



NaturalGlitch: [Sweetie Belle] “Don’t forget to bring the two-sided axe; we’re going to need it if we’re going to tackle the King of the Monsters.”



Scootaloo told Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom that they had adopted her and that she was homeless before.



SC276: OK. One, why wouldn’t the other CMCs know of Scootaloo’s homeless status before? Like, seriously, they’re best friends, they should’ve known already. And two, why wouldn’t the news she was adopted be like the first thing she tells them when she went to go play with them earlier?

NaturalGlitch: I wonder if Scootaloo used the clubhouse as a home before.

SC276: I’ve read that fic before.



Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle said that they would of help her get a home a long time ago if she had told them earlier,



NaturalGlitch: That’s when they group hugged, everyone at the party had their heart melt, then everything exploded. The End.



but were still happy for her getting a home. Silver came up to Scootaloo at the end of the party and told her it was time to go home and that he had a surprise for her at home.



Scarlet: Okay, we had enough pedobear jokes last time. I swear to god if anyone jumps on that line I will murder all the things.

NaturalGlitch: I second that.

Topher: Must… not… make… pedo… joke… But It’s practically your specialty! you did tons of them in the last riff! And that was plenty! There’s never too many jokes! *sigh* Excuse me for a minute, I think I need to take a moment to deal with my current mental state, hopefully, I should return to you with one normal personality. *eyes roll back in his head, collapses*

Scarlet: *casually torches him* Just so we’re clear- no more pedobears, but I’m still fine with karmic violence.

Topher: *springs back up, still blazing* [Silver] “We’re going to a special fairyland full of candy, but only my plain white van can take us there!” Now, as long as I’m still on fire, might as well make the most of it. FIRE HUGS FOR EVERYONE! *Hugs Crazy & Scarlet*





When they had gotten home to Silver's house, he led Scootaloo into the old room that had nothing in it.



NaturalGlitch: “He somehow converted a real race car into a bed.”



Scootaloo was filled with joy when Silver turned on the lights.



SC276: Followed shortly by sadness, disgust, anger, and fear. Lots of fear.

NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Everything is pink and frilly! AAAaaahh!”



Scootaloo climbed into her bed and said to Silver and Rainbow Dash "I love you, goodnight Mommy, goodnight Daddy." Rainbow Dash and Silver went to tuck in Scootaloo and kiss her goodnight.



Scarlet: This entire chapter was literally just an excuse for that last sentence or two and I hate it for that with great hatred.

NaturalGlitch: (sniffles) N-no, I’m OK.



Chapter 7

The sun had risen in Ponyville,



SC276: It keeps doing that.

NaturalGlitch: [Sun] “Moon keeps making fun of my weight...”



the town was buzzing with life because it was the day of the Apple farmer's market.



Scarlet: ...because there are so many competing apple farmers in Ponyville who aren’t- never mind, more ground to cover.



Scootaloo was going to sleep over at the Sweet Apple Acre and spend the day with the Apple family.



NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Now we can play the greatest game of D&D! Muahahahaha!” [Apple Bloom] “I hope Big Mac isn’t the Game Master; his dungeons can be too complicated.”

Scarlet: ...New headcanons, formed. Glitch stop doing that! You know damn well the show won’t sustain them!

NaturalGlitch: (sniff) I know... (cries into palms)



Silver and Rainbow Dash were going to go to Cloudsdale for the first time as a couple.



Scarlet: Then why the fuck is a market in Ponyville significant?

NaturalGlitch: Maybe some freak accident happens at the market and Silver and Rainbow might arrive to late to help anyone?! ....pffft, yeah, right.



Baron Silver had never been to Cloudsdale, which Rainbow Dash had told him so much about.



NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “So they make sure all the snowflakes are different? How come?” [Dash] “Snow demons will rise if they’re not.”

Scarlet: We just went over the headcanon thing!

NaturalGlitch: (cries in a corner)



He had wanted to go for a very long time now.



Scarlet: “I’ve heard something about a quaint ‘Rainbow Factory’ establishment. I would dearly love to get a first-person view of it!”

SC276: They never went before even though Rainbow apparently goes regularly as part of her job, I don’t even.



Rainbow Dash led the way to Cloudsdale, whilst Silver travelled right behind her.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Stop zooming past me!” [Silver] “Sorry! Instinct!”

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “I keep smashing into everything! Why can’t I control my speed?!”



About half way there Rainbow Dash flew down the ground, Silver followed. "Is there something wrong, Dash?" Silver asked.



Scarlet: “My entire life has become absorbed with a boy I met not long ago, I just became a mother, and I am flying towards the city where my idols live with not a single one of my ambitions fulfilled. You. Tell. Me.”

NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “...is that a no?”



Rainbow Dash bobbed her head and said



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “This is how we train for the carnival games. Now you try.”



"No." Silver was puzzled why they would stop. Rainbow Dash began to trot down to the stream that was nearby.



NaturalGlitch: ...uh oh.



Rainbow Dash lay down next to the stream and motioned Silver to come and join her.



Scarlet: Anticipation rising?



Rainbow Dash went on top of Silver and began to make out with him.



SC276: Are we at the sex scene yet? Are we at the sex scene yet?!

NaturalGlitch: NOOOOOO!~



It had been only a few days since they had started to date,



Scarlet: And you decided to adopt a kid together? I…. what….

NaturalGlitch: ...



but they have loved each other since the first day that they met.



NaturalGlitch: You know what they say about guys with big horns... They frequently slam it on archways and walls.

Scarlet: As a demonstration, I have thrown Silver into the nearest one. With my mobile fortress. At Mach 5.



When they broke up from the kiss,



SC276: [Silver] “It wasn’t that terrible, was it?!”

Scarlet: I can’t even finish my rant from before because the serendipity of that line saved everything.



Rainbow Dash embraced Silver and whisper to him



Scarlet: “Seven Days-”

NaturalGlitch: Hang on—was there ever a time Silver used his magic for anything? So why have him be an Alicorn then?

Scarlet: Because the author wanted him to have a metaphorical penis in addition to his literal one.



"I love you so much."



Scarlet: I liked mine better.



It was rare for Silver to be told this out of all the times in his life.



NaturalGlitch: If his parents said they loved him as they murdered each other, that...would make for a Criminal Minds episode.



He could count all the times he had been told someone loves him. That was only 2, which had happened within the same 24 hours.



SC276: Wait, she said it again right after?

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow Dash.exe has stopped working.



Silver and Rainbow Dash began flying to Cloudsdale once again. Now after a few hours they had finally reached Cloudsdale.



NaturalGlitch: It was like Cloudsdale was actively trying to avoid Silver.

Topher: [Cloudsdale... um... pilot... guy] “My God! HiE self insert at 6 o'clock and gaining fast! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!”



Silver was impressed with the huge cloud city. He had never seen anyplace as amazing as this.



SC276: He knew Twilight, it was stated that he had been seeing her offscreen, and yet he hasn’t seen pictures of places by now?

NaturalGlitch: He probably fell asleep because the conversation wasn’t about him or Rainbow.



His idea was a city is where a people kill and rob from each other.



NaturalGlitch: “Now he was getting hug-tackled all over the place. He’s not sure if this better or worse.”

Topher: “Soon he would make his glorious, violent idea a reality. All cloudsdale needed was the right push to send the whole place into anarchy.”



He hated living in New York City so much, he was never able to fall asleep at night knowing a gang could come and kill him.



Scarlet: As we all know, the entirety of New York City is made up of juvenile street gangs and rejected broadway actors. And street gangs of broadway actors.

SC276: Which one of those is the Trump empire?



His idea of a city was renewed and it felt great to be able to go to a city without crime going on all the time.



Scarlet: Speak for yourself. I’m hoping for a good old-fashioned mugger to bring a premature end to this story.



The tour of the city was going great, the food was amazing, the sites were beautiful



SC276: The Internet is awesome in the sky!

Scarlet: It’s the power of the Cloud!

NaturalGlitch: ♫The signal in the sky!♫



and the ponies were very kind. It was becoming dark in Cloudsdale



SC276: The sun wasn’t setting, there was just an unnaturally dark fog rolling in that was swallowing all of the light.

NaturalGlitch: Silver must’ve forgot to use the bathroom before coming to Cloudsdale.



and Rainbow Dash thought Silver and she could stay for the night and leave early in the morning.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Because fuck our adopted kid.”

NaturalGlitch: I thought Scootaloo was staying with the Apple family for the night.

Scarlet: She was, but would you really abandon a small child to the horrors of Big Mac’s fifth-level geared campaign?



Rainbow Dash and Silver went out to eat at a place called the Romaneian Grill.



Scarlet: Xenophilia did a lot of this “describing the domestic life of the couple” shit too. Only there it was wrapped around a bunch of AU worldbuilding that came up in future chapters. So still dull, but at least that had shiny objects to distract me!

NaturalGlitch: And cute dialog; don’t forget about that.

Scarlet: And food porn, like, that whole scene where Lero cooks dinner. And- yeah the more I describe it the more I realize there are so many more things I should be doing right now.

NaturalGlitch: Did anyone else get hungry just now?

Topher: I’m always hungry! Sometimes for food, sometimes for the blood of my enemies, but always!



Silver did not know at all what to get, so get got what Rainbow Dash was having, hay pasta.



SC276: Is that anything like Hey Arnold?

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Let’s go eat huh?”



The hay pasta was nothing like pasta on earth, but it was still ok.



SC276: [Silver] “This does not look like a noodle.”

Scarlet: [Dash]: “Silver, that’s a hayball. The noodles are underneath.”



It would take some getting used to for Silver to eat the hay food.



Scarlet: Author, you do realize that pasta is made from grain, right? Like, as in, vegetarian? Author? Hello? A- right he’s not listening.

RingmasterJ5: One could almost say… it’s no use.

SC276: Are you going to just keep doing that joke the entire story?

RingmasterJ5: Hey, if I don’t make them, someone will.

NaturalGlitch: Wish I said it.



Rainbow Dash and Silver went to find a hotel that they can stay at.



SC276: Haven’t the tense changes torn apart the fabric of space already?



After about an hour of searching, they found a hotel that had enough vacancy to allow them to stay.



NaturalGlitch: ...OH NO.

Topher: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET’S GET READY FOR SEEEEEEEEEEX!



The hotel was a very bad one, sadly.



Scarlet: This is what passes for conflict so far. I can’t believe I miss the human in the woods storyline.

RJ: The Magic Fingers were only just a pinkie and half a thumb.

NaturalGlitch: “The tenant in the next room suffers from screaming night terrors, unfortunately.”



Silver had a hard time falling asleep but was comforted that the love of his life was so calmly sleeping right next to him.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “SNOOORT-coughzzzz-SNOOORT!” [Silver] “It’s like hearing angels sing.”



When the sun rose Silver woke up Rainbow Dash and they quickly started to head home.



Scarlet: You know, when I got stuck in a cheap hotel room with my significant other, I remember it not being this boring.

SC276: Well they couldn’t do the hanky-panky with all those cloud-roaches staring at them.

Scarlet: Oh, sex aside we discussed story ideas, snuggled, and did like thirty other things. I think Dash and Silver have said more to each other in our riffs than they have in the entire fanfic!



When they had returned home, Silver went straight home because of how tired he was.



NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “I’m tired from all that resting.”



Rainbow Dash wanted to get something for Silver for all the good things that he had done around Ponyville.



Scarlet: Oh, sure! Like the time he… the thing… and Pinkie… well he adopted Scootaloo!

SC276: Yeah, uh, this guy has done pretty much nothing of note for the community the entire story.



Rainbow Dash was puzzled on what to get him for being so good.



SC276: They suck at getting stuff for each other, don’t they.

Scarlet: It’s like if “The Gift of the Magi” was shit.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Hmm... I know! I’ll give him the crystal heart! What could go wrong?”



It finally came to her when she went to pick up Scootaloo from Sweet Apple Acres. She should get Silver a pet.



Scarlet: If this turns into a crossover timeline with “May The Best Pet Win”, I am going to turn the Mobile Fortress on this fanfic.

SC276: Mind if I hitch a ride so I don’t get collateral damage’d?

Scarlet: Of course! I’m using you as my primary source of ammunition.

SC276: I don’t have that many juice boxes on me…

Scarlet: I was sort of hoping your impotent rage would explode if I pointed you in the right direction.

SC276: Ah, fair point.

NaturalGlitch: I wish I could get power from the rage of other riffers, especially when they reference epsiodes. It’s...so...delicious. Mmm...



She knew the Silver had a hard time growing up and probably never had a pet.



SC276: Well he had a dog for awhile, but then it got shanked.



Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo went to Fluttershy's house. "I need to get Silver a pet" said Rainbow Dash knocking on Fluttershy's door.



Scarlet: SC, PREPARE! We shall at least die with-

NaturalGlitch: (sniffs Scarlet’s hair) Yes... Feed me... You’ll be a good looking husk, I promise.



Fluttershy came out and asked "What kind of a pet would you like to get him?" "I'm not sure" said Rainbow Dash. A small puppy wrapped itself around Dash's leg. "I think I found the right one" Dash said with a smile.



Scarlet: Oh. Never mind. False alarm!

SC276: I WAS JOKING!

NaturalGlitch: Oh my god PUPPIES ARE SO~ CUTE~♥



Dash picked up the puppy and began to walk home with Scootaloo.



NaturalGlitch: [EQ Spike] “How the heck did I end up here? And why am I still a dog?”



Chapter 8



SC276: Yeah, Ring was right. That midpoint felt nothing like a midpoint… …~Midpoint ain’t got nothing on the Chiefpoint~



Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo walked in the door with the small golden puppy.



NaturalGlitch: And a titanium kitten.

Topher: And a silver guinea pig, which Baron detested for “stealing his style”.



Rainbow Dash told Scootaloo to stay in the living room while she went to wake up Silver.



Scarlet: This fanfic is planning to bore me to death before I hit the sex, isn’t it.

SC276: Sounds like the dog’s a golden retriever. Maybe it could retrieve a better fic.

Scarlet: Excellent theory. Go for it, small creature! Fetch me a copy of “Five Hundred Little Murders!”

SC276: What will that do? That’s pretty much what this fic’s doing to our brains.

Scarlet: The protagonist hates everything as much as I do right now.



Rainbow Dash climbed on top of Silver while he was still asleep.



NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “Um...should I be here for this?”

ScarletWeather: You will give the readers of this riff ideas.



Rainbow Dash pushed back Silver's mane and began to kiss him. Silver woke up to Rainbow Dash making out with him. Not sure of what was going on, Silver broke the kiss.



Scarlet: “Like, what the heck, Rainbow? Showing me physical affection is just weird!”



"I have a surprise for you, Silver" said Rainbow Dash.



SC276: [Silver] “You mean besides waking me up with a kiss?! Usually the guy wakes up to a blowjob!”

Scarlet: Wait, that’s standard? I’m a failure in everything I do!

NaturalGlitch: Is that when you turn on the fan so it can blow in cold air?



Rainbow Dash got up and began to walk into the living room, Silver followed.



NaturalGlitch: His horn getting caught on doorways again.



The small golden puppy was lying down on the couch, and when it saw Silver, it ran straight towards him.



Scarlet: “ALIEN CREATURE! FOUL BEING FROM BEYOND THE VOID! I SHALL VANQUISH YOU IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA!”

NaturalGlitch: [gold puppy] “But first I have to chase my tail!”



When Silver was young, his only family was a stray dog, which looked much like this puppy. The puppy ran up to him like it was a puppy from his childhood.



SC276: I WAS JOKING!!

Scarlet: Ssssh. So far that’s the funniest thing that’s happened all story.

NaturalGlitch: ...talk about a plot dump. I feel like this fic is shitting on me constantly.



"What would you like to name it?" said Scootaloo with joy in her tone. Silver said "Scruffy, which was the name of my first dog when I was younger."



Scarlet: “I’m basically void of imagination.”

NaturalGlitch: How great would it be if he names the puppy this?



Silver called up the Ponyville vet and said that he would be coming to get Scruffy his shots.



Scarlet: The fic’s attempt to drown me in mundane details continues, I see.

NaturalGlitch: Fortunately, Scruffy was already an excellent shot.



Silver, Rainbow Dash, and Scootaloo all went out to the vet the next day.



NaturalGlitch: Why not describe the pavement while you’re at it, author.

RJ: Scruffy’s getting rabies inoculation, Scootaloo’s getting dewormed.

Topher: And Silver’s getting neutered.



They had gotten their early because they did not want to stay there for too long.



SC276: [nurse] “Sir, the office isn’t even open for another two hours.”



When Scruffy went into the vet's office to get his shots and was nervous and scared so he tried to run away.



Scarlet: “Foul beast! I know what you seek to do! Even if you drug my mind, my spirit shall never yield!”

NaturalGlitch: Can we get a fic starring this puppy? He sounds awesome.



Silver called out to him in his calming voice and told him that everything would be alright.



NaturalGlitch: Scruffy responded by ripping Silver’s face off.



Scruffy came running right back to Silver.



SC276: Has anyone checked to see if his tongue’s literally made of silver?



Silver picked up Scruffy and gave him over to the Ponyville vet for his shots.



NaturalGlitch: WE. KNOW.



As Scruffy was getting his shots he whimpered and almost ran off of the table that he was placed on to get his shots.



Scarlet: “Is this how it is to end for me, the last of a noble clan of warriors? So it shall be… let them say that on that day, Scruffy died with a hymn of battle upon his lips!”

NaturalGlitch: “Be brave, little Scruffy, like I know you are.”

Topher: “Scruffy gon’ die the way he lived”



The family went out to a park where Scruffy could meet the other pets of the town. At first the family ran into Pinkie Pie and Gummy.



SC276: Pinkie’s latest attempt to take Gummy for a walk via adorable alligator-sized roller skates was only a partial success.

NaturalGlitch: (almost did a spit-take) Sorry—your riff hit me with a heavy dose of adorable.



Scruffy ran up to Gummy and began to sniff him.



Scarlet: “Ah, gator. In you, too, I sense a noble soul shackled and defeated. At least my indignity shall not be borne alone.”

NaturalGlitch: Gummy responds by...blinking.



Pinkie Pie ran up to Silver and asked whose dog that was. Silver responded "It's our new puppy."



NaturalGlitch: CAN SOMETHING HAPPEN ALREADY?!



"Where did you get it from?" Pinkie Pie asked. "From Fluttershy's kennel" Rainbow Dash said.



Scarlet: ...A kennel is where you keep other people’s dogs or your own when you can’t keep them at home. Fluttershy has a- I’M NITPICKING LANGUAGE AGAIN.

NaturalGlitch: I really don’t blame you, though; this fanfic isn’t really offering much leeway for riffs.

Topher: I haven’t even committed an act of mindless violence for a while!



Fluttershy flew by later in the day after the Rainbow Dash, Silver and Scootaloo went home.



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “I was hoping we wouldn’t be in this fanfic anymore...”



She knocked on the door and asked to come in "Uhm… Uhh… Can I come in?" said Fluttershy.



SC276: Has this author never read a published novel in his life? Like, not even Twilight? Anything that had proper scene structure?!

NaturalGlitch: A brony reading a real book?! PFFFFFFT-AHAHAHAHHAHA! Now that was a funny riff.



Scootaloo let Fluttershy in. She wanted to see how the puppy was doing in his new home.



NaturalGlitch: That’s when the puppy mutated into a secret boss fight, right?! GIVE ME SOMETHING, FIC!!

Scarlet: “This is it! At this moment, I will reveal my true form! By the power of Sirius… TRANSFORM! The Guard Dog of Hell, Golden Scruffy!”

Topher: [Scruffy] “Where are my testicles, Silver? They were removed, where have they gone?”



The puppy ran up to Fluttershy when she called it over.



SC276: [Fluttershy] “As you can see, Herr Silver, he remains loyal to me.”

Scarlet: “Can it be? It can! The true Alpha, she has returned! Glorious one, recognize the danger this creature poses!”



Fluttershy was petting the puppy when she said "I brought over a few things that you will need to keep a puppy happy."



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “I found out a way to put hugs and kisses in a box.”

Topher: If we could put pony hugs and kisses in a box, we could sell it and make millions. I’ve tried testing a few early products, but all I ever got as a response was “Whose arms are those,” “who wants to buy a box of severed horse lips,” and “Aaaugh.”



Fluttershy put down a box filled with things entitled puppy care kit.



RingmasterJ5: Which they will never actually use since the dog is never mentioned again for the rest of the fic. NOW ONTO THE SEX!

SC276: Oh joy. I’mma refill my drink real fast… Double-concentrated orange juice. Truly, I live life on the edge.

NaturalGlitch: Them's fighting words, Ring!



Chapter 9

2 years had passed by now.



Scarlet: *twitch*

RingmasterJ5: Still not as bad as Living the Dream.

NaturalGlitch: Raging diarrhea made of fire is better than Living the Dream.



Rainbow Dash and Silver were engaged and set to get married in the beginning of fall, just a few weeks away.



Scarlet: no i’m fine perfectly fine not a problem at all ha ha ha ha ha ha why.

NaturalGlitch: It hurts.



Scootaloo was away at flight school in Cloudsdale



SC276: [Scootaloo] “Who knew all it took to fly was an alicorn daddy?!”

NaturalGlitch: He probably zapped her wings and—it hurts.



and would be returning home at the end of the summer. It was a warm summer evening, the skyline was turning purple and Rainbow Dash and Silver were sipping on some fancy wines.



Scarlet: Which just proves the author is determined to let any and all sense of character escape him, because even a C-Grade hack would’ve had Dash drinking hard cider.

NaturalGlitch: Can that meme just die already? This piece of shit is pandering enough as it is. And how do you make “hard” cider straight from apples on trees again? And what would be considered “hard” cider for them—salt licks and heavy doses of sugar? It hurts.

Scarlet: You don’t. Why would you make it from the trees when it’s perfectly plausible to- right, fight the real enemy.



Rainbow Dash and Silver were talking over the past 2 years that they have shared and all the good times,



SC276: Which the author saw fit to just glance over because screw actual development.

NaturalGlitch: What? You mean entire chapters of total NOTHING didn’t thrill and amaze you?! Were you not entertained?! It hurts.



as the sun crept down and the moon began to rise.



Scarlet: *produces record player* Alright, I’m ready. Let’s get on the train to pound-town, everyone.

SC276: Going off the trails on this crazy train!

NaturalGlitch: I want to hurt Silver. Hate. For you.



As the sun and the light faded out, Ponyville began to become still.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Fuck, the town’s dying again.”

NaturalGlitch: Then a giant rabbit attacked and the town is actually Townsville hahahahaha it hurts.



Rainbow Dash had been talking to Silver about having their own birth child for a few months now.



Scarlet: *stops the record player specifically to produce a scratching noise* Awwwwww, hell naw.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “We’ve been dating for two years; at least let me get to second base.” [Silver] “I’ll get your cooties if we do!” It hurts.

Topher: I get the feeling the author has no clue how sex works.



Rainbow Dash knew that this would be the perfect night for it.



NaturalGlitch: She even found a snake to bite his shaft so the poison will keep it erect. I hope it hurts.



Rainbow Dash whispered to Silver "Tonight is the night, Silver; I want to have a baby."



Scarlet: Did we really need to skip to babies as a justification for sex? Was this written by a struggling Catholic?

SC276: I’m not Catholic, but I know I’m certainly struggling right now.

NaturalGlitch: I want Silver to struggle with breathing right now. I want him to hurt.

Topher: Kinky!



"Are you sure Rainbow?" Silver asked. "Yes I am, let's go." Rainbow Dash said with joy.



NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately for Silver, Rainbow had too much Joy to drink, so while they were having sex, she mutated into an abomination and murdered Silver. The walls will never stop being red. It did more than hurt.

Topher: Kiiiinky!



Silver and Dash began to make out on the doorstep of Silver's house.



NaturalGlitch: They stumbled through the doorway. Rainbow was impaled by Silvers horn. That didn’t stop Silver.

SC276: OK seriously Glitch, do you need medical attention or something? You’re sounding like one of those RPG Maker horror games.

NaturalGlitch: Or a bad creepypasta. Let's just say my name fits me all too well sometimes.

Topher: Meanwhile, the filly scout on the porch selling cookies watched with both horror and the early stirrings of arousal. This event would mess her up for life... somehow. I don’t know, everything hurts.



Rainbow Dash opened the door and they were still kissing. They continued to kiss as they walked into their bedroom.



SC276: I’ve never really understood how a kissing couple can maneuver perfectly around the house like that.

Scarlet: GPS. And trails of roses.



Silver pushed Rainbow Dash onto the bed and began to stroke her mane as they resumed kissing.



NaturalGlitch: Their mouths had enough and lept off their faces, running off into the night.



Silver began to hoof (finger, not fisting)



Scarlet: …*raises hands into the air* Oh Lord, thank you for your magnificent bounty. That parenthetical is perfectly incompetent. It’s beautiful.



Rainbow Dash. Dash was already moaning. This was Silver's and Dash's first time having sex.



SC276: Uh yeah, we kinda figured that.

RJ: Ah, that explains why Silver is ramming it into Dash’s ear.



They were both virgins before today.



SC276: Uh yeah, we kinda figured that.

Scarlet: Yes, we get it, previously virgins, straight couple, doing this shortly before a wedding for the sake of procreation. Jesus loves ‘em, continue fucking.

NaturalGlitch: ...aww!~ That’s kinda sweet.

Scarlet: Also one of them is Silver.

Topher: And now everything is terrible again.



As Silver started to go faster with his hoof, the more Rainbow Dash would moan,



NaturalGlitch: —in pain. [Dash] “Ow ow ow! A hoof can break through rock like nothing! Why would you put it there?!”



it would get to the point where she was screaming until he stopped.



SC276: And he we come to the most something part of the Marty Stu: always the best lay.

Scarlet: “OH GOD WHY ARE YOU PUSHING A HARD, SHARP OBJECT AGAINST MY SENSITIVE GENITALS”

NaturalGlitch: See? Scarlet gets it.

Topher: This is why you use a safeword, kids!



Rainbow Dash began jerking the penis of Silver, as he slowly became erect.



Scarlet: I… I’m not sure how I even make this funnier. Beyond imagining that Rainbow rips his penis off by mistake and just sort of gently puts it back into place with a sheepish expression.

SC276: How is she even jerking it? She has no hands!

NaturalGlitch: Has ANY brony seen what a hoof looks and feels like?! Oh, right.

SC276: I actually took horse-riding lessons once. Not sure how, but I did.

Scarlet: I actually own goats. They are evil bastards. So yeah, I know exactly what a hoof feels like.

NaturalGlitch:



Once he was erect Rainbow Dash began to lick his penis head, slowly at first.



NaturalGlitch: What head? Unless it has similarity with a human’s penis, there wouldn’t be any kind of head on—it hurts it hurts it hurts.



She began licking faster and faster, and when she could not go faster, she put the penis head in her mouth and began to suck on it.



Scarlet: Truly, this author has experienced many blowjobs in his lifetime. Many. Completely authentic ones.

NaturalGlitch: Stallions get their pleasure from squeezes, not sucking. ...Dirty Jobs has ruined horses for me.



After awhile of sucking on the penis head she began to suck on the shaft going deeper and deeper until she began to gag.



Naturalglitch: ...how is that erotic, again?

Scarlet: Conservation of arousal. Unless one partner is feeling extreme pain in some fashion, the other one can’t get off!



When she had gag she would pull up and repeat, she did this about 6 times.



SC276: I can do it! I can do it six times!

Scarlet: They’re virgins, right? Because it takes practice to do that, an- I’m going to stop now before I reveal more about my sex life than I really should.



Now that they had finished having foreplay,



SC276: Clearly he has no hair trigger.

NaturalGlitch: But actual horses do. But don’t tell a clopper that.



Silver flipped over Rainbow Dash into a doggy style position.



Scarlet: It’s like this author’s entire experience of sex comes from browsing porn fic!

SC276: Probably also with a scattering of porn pics.



Silver slowly put his dick into Rainbow Dash making sure not to be too fast and hurt her.



NaturalGlitch: Well, I will say it’s rare for these fics to have the guy actually give a shit about the mare he’s fucking. ...what the fuck did I just write?!

Scarlet: A sad truth. Although the cynic in me wants to point out that it happens, it’s just that in many of these stories the mare is magically just into whatever Stallion Von Iron Penis happens to be doing.



Rainbow Dash screamed "Put it in my already!"



SC276: Your what now?



and that is what Silver did.



Scarlet: How?



Silver jammed his penis into the wet vagina of Rainbow Dash.



NaturalGlitch: Rainbow flexed her inner walls and in about 20 seconds Silver climaxed. The End.

Scarlet: He can’t get pseudo-human anatomy right. I’m not holding out for him understanding livestock sex.



Rainbow Dash screamed because she had never had anything this big in her pussy.



SC276: I don’t wanna know about the next closest thing.

Scarlet: Presumably his hoof, earlier.

NaturalGlitch: OW.



Silver slowly began to thrust his dick in and out of Rainbow Dash.



NaturalGlitch: The only thrusting you see stallions do is to get their shaft inside. After that, they don’t move a muscle, but the mare sure does. And I hope the knowledge rots your insides as it did mine.



Slowly he began to get faster and faster until the point they were both screaming and moaning in joy.



Scarlet: Many great authors have described the beauty and eroticism of sex, but none have done so with such grandeur as this.

NaturalGlitch: The end of the stallion's penis flares up when he’s close to being done, so if he did thrust, he’d either get stuck or tear something. I hope your penis tears off, Silver.



Rainbow Dash began to have an orgasm, she was about squirt and Silver kept fucking her regardless of the fact that she is about to cum.



Scarlet: ...That’s the idea. You’re not supposed to stop right before orgasm unless you’re both really into- god damn it, story, stop failing at sex!

NaturalGlitch: Did you know that mares have great muscle control, closing up tighter than astronaut food, even when they’re “in the mood”? So every rape pony fic is impossible! YAY YAY YAY IT HURTS WHY.



Rainbow Dash began to squirt, Silver loved the feeling of wet pussy juices on his dick.



SC276: Dear god, I’ve written better passion scenes than this and I’m terrible with emotion.

Scarlet: Silver loved the taste of buttered toast in the morning. Silver loved doing his taxes on time. Silver loved devouring the flesh of live ponies.

NaturalGlitch: How else would he get his powers?



Rainbow Dash flipped Silver over and began to ride his dick.



NaturalGlitch: Breaking Silver in half in the process.



Rainbow Dash was bouncing on his dick.



NaturalGlitch: Silver’s gut doubled as a trampoline.



Silver felt that this was the best sex position and he had the most pleasure from it.



SC276: Because he’s not actually doing anything?

Scarlet: Actually, it’s because he realized he could now rename his penis “the pogo stick.”

NaturalGlitch: I can’t tell if that ripping sound is Rainbow’s vagina or my mind.



He was moaning more than Rainbow Dash was. Silver was about to cum, he screamed out to Rainbow Dash to prepare.



SC276: PREPARE YOUR ANUS.

NaturalGlitch: That’s for the sequel.



Rainbow Dash began to bounce faster and faster in a short period of time which made Silver cum even faster



Scarlet: My only regret is that we can’t find a way to accompany this with a Half-Life 2: Full Life Consequences style video.

NaturalGlitch: The writing in that is too good for this doc.



Chapter 10



SC276: ...That’s it? It’s over? Just… like that? No post-coital cuddles or anything?

RingmasterJ5: SC, don’t you get what just happened there?

SC276: The most boring mating scene ever?

RingmasterJ5: Close. The author finished, and so did the chapter.

SC276: ...Ah.

Scarlet: *applause*



It was the week of Rainbow Dash and Silver's wedding.



NaturalGlitch: They had to go to the vet and give Scruffy his shots.



Scootaloo was returning home from flight school. Rainbow Dash had been pregnant for about 4 weeks now.



SC276: Assuming human reproduction cycle because honestly what else, that… actually seems like still too short a timeframe to plan a wedding.

Scarlet: Weddings aside, I’m going to just take that parenthetical about “hoofing” from earlier and hold it in my mind every time this story mentions something inane from here on out.

NaturalGlitch: This fic makes me want to hoof it out of here.



Rarity was working on Rainbow Dash's dress for her wedding



SC276: You waited this long?

Scarlet: To be fair, would you rush marrying off your best friend to Silver?

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Now it’s time for the annual 134th dress check up time.”



and Silver went out to Canterlot with Twilight to pick out his suit.



Scarlet: “Hey, Rainbow? Don’t be too disappointed if I get back and Silver’s mysteriously vanished.”

NaturalGlitch: He’d be too busy telling ponies what flavor of ice cream he liked and how he never had any in New York to make it on time anyway.



Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were having a day out talking about how her time at flight school was.



NaturalGlitch: [Scootaloo] “There was some moron trying to convince me about how a factory uses—wait, I feel like I told you this already.”



Silver was going to be returning home tonight. Silver and Twilight were just about get back to Ponyville.



SC276: Jack was running. Run, Jack, run.

NaturalGlitch: The tux was way too tight and the tailor insisted Silver had to be the pincushion for his own suit.



When Silver and Twilight and finally returned, Twilight felt that something was off in Ponyville,



NaturalGlitch: Please let it be the Everfree attack and Silver dies.



she couldn't put her finger on it, but it just wasn't the same.



Scarlet: There’s something wrong with the world today- and it is the fact that I am reading this story instead of bettering myself.

SC276: Well I got some of my homework done earlier, so I’m good on both counts.



Silver went back to his home to catch up with his daughter after not seeing her for a few months.



NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “Huff...how did she get faster than me and Rainbow combined?!”



Silver ran into his house and the first thing he did was go up to hug Scootaloo,



NaturalGlitch: And pet Scruffy, right?

Scarlet: That dear creature is too beautiful for this story. Go forth, Scruffy. Adventure in my dreams. Be the hero I know you are!



after they broke the hug he went to kiss Rainbow Dash.



SC276: Don’t you know it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding? My only solace is that this marriage is secretly cursed.

Scarlet: Trust me, if I can get this ritual I’m working on right, it won’t even be “secretly”.



Rainbow Dash and Silver began to make out for about 3 minutes and then they broke the kiss.



Scarlet: “Silver, would you quit timing us everytime we do this? It kinda kills the mood.”



Silver took out Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo to the dinner so they can have a meal and talk about what had happened over the past few months.



Scarlet: Ah yes, “the dinner”. It’s across the street from “the breakfast” and uses the same facilities as “the lunch.”

NaturalGlitch: Maybe they can go to “the restaurant” and order “the food.”

Topher: Oh, man! That place is the best!



Back at Twilight's house she was trying to figure out what was going wrong or if she was just being paranoid.



NaturalGlitch: A gash formed in the sky because Silver stayed there for too long? Please?



Spike and Twilight were looking up what this feeling could mean in books.



Scarlet: “I don’t know what it is, but I think I’m hooked on it!”



After a few hours of trying to find out what it was Twilight was ready to give up.



NaturalGlitch: She read the first few chapter of this fanfic, trying to make sense of it.



Twilight thought it would be best to tell Celestia that she has a feeling that something bad will happen soon.



SC276: [Twilight] “I’m still surprised she hasn’t investigated the super-fast alicorn from another dimension that showed up like two years ago.” Granted, that’s probably what Secret Agent Bon Bon is for…

Scarlet: The bugbear incident’s already happened by this point. She’s been Burned. Also, why is there no Burn Notice crossover with this character yet?

NaturalGlitch: Because bronies are still using the same memes and ideas from 5 years ago to try anything new and interesting.

Scarlet: Okay I know that, but secret agent.



Celestia promised to come to Ponyville, and she wanted to see the wedding anyway.



NaturalGlitch: She promised not to cry this time.



Luna and Celestia were in Ponyville by the next day.



Scarlet: Wait a minute. I sense shenanigans.

NaturalGlitch: Luna brought the tissues for the inevitable “sister is so happy she gets the sniffles” moment.



The days were flying by to the wedding. It had seemed as if the past 2 years have gone by in the matter of hours.



SC276: Yeah, that’s pretty much what it feels like how long this fic’s been.



Silver and Rainbow Dash were going to be married tomorrow.



NaturalGlitch: “I will now count the hours and minutes until it happens. 23 hours and 58 minutes. 23 hours and 57 minutes...”



Silver knew that he would finally be free from his past and this would be his new life. Little did Silver know that over 700 years had passed on Earth in the time that he was on Earth.



Scarlet: ...I see we’re playing by Narnian rules.

NaturalGlitch: Gee, wouldn’t of that been interesting to hear about before?! NOPE GOTTA GO TO THE VET TO GIVE SCRUFFY HIS SHOTS.



During the past 700 years on the world had changed very much.



NaturalGlitch: “They finally invented a way for people to talk on their cellphones without it pissing other people off.”



Science had advanced to the point where they were testing dark matter as a fuel for the planet.



Scarlet: What.

SC276: Bowser beat you guys to it by 703 years or so, science.



Silver didn't know how he got to Equestria, but he went into a dark matter portal that he was unable to see because dark matter in its raw form cannot be seen.



Scarlet: This reads like someone trying to write a sci-fi version of Kingdom Hearts and failing.

SC276: How could the dark matter portal form if it took 700 years to harness it?

NaturalGlitch: (eye twitches) It hurts.



The majority of humanity that was on still on Earth had died in a dark matter power plant being blown up in a battle.



NaturalGlitch: “The battle of PS 3234 vs Xbox 2341 was the catalyst of the end.”



The Earth was coated in a dark layer and the sun was blocked out.



Scarlet: You know, as insane as all this is I can’t help but feel like I would’ve wanted it to show up several chapters back when the story was trying to strangle me with dullness.



This was not the end of humanity, because the humanity had changed Mars into another Earth by the time this happened.



SC276: Terraforming - totally possible in 700 years.

Scarlet: Well, if nothing else, I take solace in the fact that this story takes place during the Universal Century. Come, Mobile Fortress Scarlet! We must do battle with Char once more!

NaturalGlitch: Ah, so the Traveler visited this dimension as well.



The dark matter portal in New York City was still there and dark matter had been leaking into it for the past few weeks,



NaturalGlitch: New York city was still a thing 700 years in the future?



causing the bad feeling that Twilight had.



SC276: Wait, the approaching dark fog- I WAS JOKING!!!



The day of the wedding had come, which was going to be a sunny day. When everyone woke up it was raining hard.



NaturalGlitch: (sly grin) Heh. This doesn’t hurt.



Twilight began to worry that something really bad was going to happen today.



Scarlet: I admit I didn’t predict this. Well played, God of Shenanigans. Well played.



Rainbow Dash tried to clear the clouds, but they would not move. No one was able to clear the clouds.



NaturalGlitch: “Not even Fluttershy could convince the clouds to move.” [Fluttershy] “Please?” [clouds] “No!”



They set up a tent over where the wedding was going to be to keep everything from getting rained on.



Scarlet: Wait you’re holding the wedding? Everfree weather could be spreading in! The apocalypse is upon you all! Wh- fuck it, I wanna see where this is going.

SC276: This wasn’t in town hall where the donkey wedding took place?

Scarlet: Written in 2012. Hadn’t been canonized yet.

SC276: I know, but still, when a real-life wedding is rained out, what’s more likely: the guests in expensive and most likely dry-clean-only tuxes and dresses raises a large tent in the pouring rain, or everyone goes inside?

NaturalGlitch: (grins more) Heh heh.



Twilight went up to Celestia and Luna. "Princesses I think something very bad is going to happen here today" said Twilight in a very worried tone.



Scarlet: “Twilight, that’s like the fifth time you’ve said this.”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “And yet nothing is happening to stop it!”



The wedding had begun, as the wedding went on more and more people started to feel the same feeling that Twilight had been having.



Scarlet: And were equally hooked on it!

RJ: Yes, but are we also high on believing?

NaturalGlitch: They’re just now noticing Silver’s smell.

SC276: Now that they’re stuck in a tent with him.



The wedding was just about to vows and a dark portal started to form in the sky, but no one noticed it because of the tent.



SC276: Literally everyone was attending the wedding. Including the scientists that should’ve been trying to figure out what the hell was going on here.

NaturalGlitch: They were probably devoured by the sliver of portal before it gashed open. Heh.



As the portal slowly got bigger it started to make noises. These were the worst noises that you could ever hear.



Scarlet: Insert dubstep and/or country music joke here.

SC276: If we’re lucky, it’ll condense into the Negativitron.

NaturalGlitch: [portal] “♫I’m in love with the coco!♫”



Twilight was the one who was paying the most attention to them.



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “No one can see this?! Really?!”



Twilight stepped out from under the tent and saw the huge portal about to suck in the tent.



Scarlet: ...Did the author watch Melancholia right before writing this?

NaturalGlitch: Like there’s a single creative bone in this author.



Twilight screamed for everypony to get out the tent.



SC276: Yes, get out into plain view of the giant vacuum portal! Twilight continues to live in a horror movie!

NaturalGlitch: Would you prefer if they stayed right under the portal as it sucked the very thing that was above them instead?

SC276: Well I stopped really caring about the well-being of everyone in this story a while ago, so… yeah.



The ponies began to get out of the tent and look up into the sky. The sky was dark and the portal sucked in the tent.



NaturalGlitch: Now that is what I call a plot hole.



Celestia and Luna began to cast magic into it, but with no luck it only grew bigger.



Scarlet: God of Shenanigans, your wrath is great and confusing! Praise be unto ye!

NaturalGlitch: Was the portal powered by blue magic?



Celestia and Luna knew that the only way to close this portal was from in the inside.



NaturalGlitch: “It said so in the comic book.”



Who would go into the inside? Twilight would have gone, but she could not fly.



Scarlet: Aaaand so much for the Princess Twilight prediction. That’s minus two against you now!



Only Celestia, Luna, and Silver could go into it.



SC276: Let me guess. Heroic sacrifice of Marty Stu, too good for this sinful earth and all that.

NaturalGlitch: ...YES.



Silver was the first one to say that he wants to go into. Celestia and Luna would protest to this because he was going to get married today.



NaturalGlitch: [Silver] “The wedding cake was coconut anyway.”



Silver knew that he caused this somehow,



SC276: You literally have no way of knowing that, orphan-boy.

NaturalGlitch: He probably goes through life blaming himself for everything.



and he told that to Celestia and Luna in private.



Scarlet: “I should’ve known! The puppy knew the whole time! My presence is breaking reality!”

SC276: Son, I coulda told ya that!



Celestia and Luna knew that they could not stop him now. Silver went up to Rainbow Dash and told her that he would never come back from what he was going to do.



NaturalGlitch: “Silver tried not to fathom why Rainbow was cackling.”



He began to kiss Rainbow Dash for the last time.



Scarlet: The Yoko Curse, Dash. I’m sorry you have to bear it. It’s alright though, this just means you’ll get to trade up!



He made the most of this kiss because he knew that he would never be able to do it again.



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Use more tongue or something! You’re going to die for her; make it romantic!”



Rainbow Dash began to sob a bit. Silver broke the kiss and began to fly into the portal.



Scarlet: Presumably accompanied by this music.



Rainbow Dash told him to stop, but he would not stop.



NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Please?” [Silver] “No.” [Dash] “OK.”



Now in the portal, he was seeing all of the memories of his life.



NaturalGlitch: Oh no! The fanfic is starting over! It’s a mobius strip! Nooo!~



He began to cast a closing spell on the portal as it closed quickly.



SC276: Which then fizzled out as he realized he had done no magic in this entire fic and had no idea what the hell he was doing.

NaturalGlitch: It turns out there was a button inside the portal that read, “Press this to close.”



Now that he was no longer in Equestria, but not on earth some of the potion stopped working on him. He became a half human half pony.



RingmasterJ5: Oh fuck we’re back in Starfleet Humans again aren’t we oh god no

SC276: How could a potion half wear off?

Scarlet: Presumably this is when he pulls out the drill he took from his leader’s mecha and smashes through the- look, I just really want to be watching Gurren Lagann instead of finishing this!

NaturalGlitch: So...he became a centaur? [Silver] “...not bad.”



He could not use his wings or horn to cast magic.



NaturalGlitch: He could not use his hoof to do the prancy dancy.

Scarlet: *idly tosses a hoof up and down and whistles*



He could only look into Earth and Equestria. He was stuck here in a limbo forever, only to watch the love of his life.



SC276: Gheeze, couldn’t you have just killed him? No wait, that would be a mercy for him.

NaturalGlitch: If he becomes Tirek, so help me I’ll...cry, I guess?

Scarlet: I’d actually give that one points for Best Worst Idea.

RJ: Uatu’s going to be pissed when he finds this guy doing his job.

Topher: No, He doesn’t become Tirek, I think… just left to float in the void, and wonder… Will Scruffy get his shots?



Back in Equestria, Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were crying madly as the rain started to pass.



NaturalGlitch: They wanted to jump in the puddles.



No one walked up to them because they needed to be alone; they had just lost the best pony in their lives.



Scarlet: Look, author, best pony debates are futile but I think we can all agree that Baron Silver does not make anyone’s list.

NaturalGlitch: My favorite is the cute one with the mane and tail.

Scarlet: Eeeeee! Mine too!



Rainbow Dash was very depressed and furious at the same time,



SC276: That’s gonna be a red and blue memory right there.

NaturalGlitch: [Dash] “Now I’m all preggers with no husband? Typical!”



when Scootaloo was just broken.



SC276: And not just in the wings.



Rainbow Dash was crying, but furious that Celestia and Luna did not go.



SC276: [Luna] “Excuse me, but we raise the main celestial bodies on this planet, while he just lounged around and kissed you all day.”

NaturalGlitch: I’m guessing Rainbow is just too sad and mad to think properly here.



She wondered why that one of them did not go.



SC276: [Luna] “See previous riff.”

Scarlet: “Because he was an hero, Dash. Accept his passing.”



Luna walked to up her and tried to comfort her. Luna told her what she had been told by Silver.



NaturalGlitch: [Luna] “He...put the screw...in the tuna.”



Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash only began to cry more.



RingmasterJ5: And that was Baron Silver, or as I like to call it “an experiment to see if a fic with only four insane moments in a sea of boring can sustain a full riff”. Thoughts, you two?

Scarlet: I resent you. The only reason I’m still lucid is that the ending accidentally reminded me of a scene in a mecha series.

SC276: The fuck was that ending. Like, seriously. That whiplashed so fast I think I’m actually feeling neck pain. Slice-of-life Stu shenanigans and suddenly threat to the world? It’s like this author was trying to find a way to make this tragic in a last-second attempt to make us care.

Scarlet: The ending? At least the ending was a story. What the hell was that whole middle? It was designed to sap away the reader’s joy and reason with every line. If any story violates Vonnegut’s First Rule, this is the one. This fic exists to waste time.

RingmasterJ5: Oh, and remember that two-chapter abandoned sequel starring his kids that Fallen mentioned?

SC276: Kids? Like, plural? Were they twins or something?

RingmasterJ5: Yes, but I looked further into it, and guess what? It was going to be a goddamn Dragon Ball ripoff.

SC276: Oh like we need another one. Wait, original Dragon Ball or Z again?

RingmasterJ5: The original. Some dumb shit about his kid randomly stumbling upon one of the eight magical orbs of Equestria and the twins, Rainbow, and Twilight going on a quest to find the others for… some reason.

SC276: Well, beats more ponies flash-stepping around and destroying punching machines.

Scarlet: Why couldn’t this have been the rip-off? If I hear one more line about the domestic life of Rainbow Dash and the world’s most boring extradimensional squeeze, I’m going to kill a puppy! Or, well. I won’t. Because Scruffy is the true hero.

SC276: Hey actually, now that I think of it, what happened to him getting his cutie mark? I actually forgot about it pretty much immediately after he and Dash got lovey-lovey. We got a bet to resolve here.

Scarlet: Fun fact, but what the story forgot to mention was that Silver got his cutie mark as he cast the hole-closing spell. It was a mark indicating that his special talent is being a waste of space!

SC276: So… wait, does that mean I owe you five bucks, or…?

Scarlet: Nah, all bets are off because I would like to watch giant robots and stop thinking about this story now. Smell ya later, people, I have some Kamina to cry over.

RingmasterJ5: See you next week as we return to a really boring, weirdly sexual band of pirates for the third time in a row.

SC276: Oh god I actually forgot those were still things. This is going to suck.

RingmasterJ5: Considering the next part’s actually going to include what I honestly think is the worst scene of the entire fic… that’s kind of an understatement.

NaturalGlitch: It hurts.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: It’s the second user-voted one shot, and you guys picked… a Rainbow Factory fan-prequel. Yay.

Fallen Prime: By a guy who writes vore stories. That’s, like, the one thing that sets him apart from the other guys who have melted down when their stories got poor reception. Hell, before this came up for our polls, I forgot completely about this sad sack.

RingmasterJ5: I’m absolutely not surprised that people voted for a second controversial author I’ve never heard of before. This and the Destroyershy one are like quick refreshers on all the shit that went on while I was away.

Fallen Prime: And maybe more will flow in afterwards. There are probably readers and contributors with better memories than mine.

RingmasterJ5: I’d be surprised if we didn’t get more, but since neither of us really know all that much about this particular fic, let’s just get the riff started. Without further ado, “A Friendship Broken by Loyalty” by zeldafand.





A Friendship Broken by Loyalty



Sigma: And already I can tell this is going to end wonderfully.

NaturalGlitch: I remember when the original author of Rainbow Factory was giving tips on how to write horror. That’s like if the author of Squidward’s Suicide gave lessons on how to use proper tenses.

Ferret: Or what the phrase “hyper-realistic” means.

Scarlet: Once more, I’m going into this blind. Let’s see how much pain I’ll inflict upon myself!

Crazy56U: I’m going in double-blind: I never really read Rainbow Factory, I mainly skimmed to the end.

SC276: I preferred “Awoken” myself… Nevertheless, I’m sure we’ll grind this factory to dust. Mostly you guys, because I’m a day late.

Fallen Prime: Fun fact: “Awoken” is actually one of my favorite songs PERIOD. And I’ve long since lost touch with horse tunes.

Dark Angel: I’m also going into this blind, though that’s common for me with these riffs. And if anybody needs it, I brought a truck load of brain bleach to share.

Topher: I’ll go ahead and pass out funnels for everyone.



“Ma’am, just a question, what happened to Scootaloo?” Said a worker to me.



Sigma: She was trapped in a bad fanfic, she barely made it out alive.

Scarlet: The life of a woobie is, surprisingly, suffering.

Crazy56U: “She mentioned how my eyes were pretty, so I turned her into rainbow goo, stop asking stupid questions!”

Topher: “Gee, she failed her flight test and got sent here, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK HAPPENED?!”



“No need to talk about her.” I said with pain and despair.



SC276: The author doesn’t know either.



“Right now, I just want to know how progress is going. SO how is it going?”



NaturalGlitch: [nameless pony] “The entire factory is on fire.”

Sigma: MILLIONS ARE DEAD!

Dark Angel: …Oh, and there’s a bunch of workers dead too.

Scarlet: “And I just won the lottery!”

Crazy56U: (reading from a newspaper) There’s a sale at Penny’s!

Topher: “NO NEED FOR PANIC! There’s cookies and punch by the door!”

Dark Angel: (takes a drink of punch) “THE PUNCH HAS BEEN SPIKED!” (takes another drink)



“It is going just fine Mrs. Rainbow dash.”

“Good! Keep it that way, I need some fresh air.” I said.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I’ll just inhale one of these clouds.”

Crazy56U: Wait, don’t breath in those chemicals! You become radioactive and start

imagining dragons!

Sigma: I understand your reference and I strongly disapprove of it.”



After that discussion, I left the factory.



Topher: Those golden tickets were a total gyp!

Crazy56U: (holds up a rock) ...do I even have to say it...



Right now, I feel an odd mixture of pride and despair.



Sigma: “Pride for managing to wank to something they said I couldn’t and despair for wanking to a comatose pony.”

Scarlet: God damn it, who let Shinji into the MLP fic?

Crazy56U: Being Rainbow Dash is suffering.



I know what I did to my little Sister.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I made her drink some of the thunder cloud mixture. How was I supposed to know her mane would spike up forever?!”

Scarlet: “I didn’t even realize saving her yielded more ADAM in the long term!”

Crazy56U: “I made her watch Teen Titans Go!... … (anguished) I’M A MONSTER!!!”



Sadly, she isn’t here right now. I still remember the first time I built this place.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I even brought my cloud hammer and water nails.”

Crazy56U: Well, gee, here I am with a Minecraft joke, and I just don’t know if I should use it… (gets blown up by a Creeper)

SC276: So, before Rainbow Dash, there weren’t any rainbows? Or they hadn’t figured out how to ground ponies into Spectra yet?

Dark Angel: That would actually contradict the original story, since they talk about the rainbow factory being around ever since soon after Celestia banished Nightmare Moon to the moon. Does anyone have a continuity alarm?



It was supposed to make up for something bad I did at that time, in honor of a friend I lost.



Crazy56U: “Oh, wait, I probably should’ve checked the Lost and Found…”



I was still normal then, but before I built it, there was that one night.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Author was still trying to write a grimdark story with no success.”

Scarlet: Rainbow Dash declares herself “normal”. Fanfic officially bullshit.

Crazy56U: It was when Rainbow was visiting Bangkok.

SC276: All it takes is that one night, Batman...



I felt so strange, I was thinking of all the bad things that happened in my life,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Like the time I was caught making cloud beards and pretending to be a pirate where everypony could see me.”

Scarlet: ...I thought you said bad things.

Crazy56U:



and there were a lot; some of them too painful to think about. It happened a long time ago.



NaturalGlitch: “It was a dark and stormy night. I cuddled with Tank when suddenly—”

Crazy56U: Next Sunday A.D. Wait, shit, did it wrong...



I was an ordinary Pegasus pony, just really skilled at, like everything.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Racing, doing tricks, diaper changing—you know, the usual.”

Crazy56U: Except studying, if Season 4 doesn’t exist here.



So “ordinary” is an understatement. I still felt slightly underestimated, that I could accomplish more things, more amazing, awful, things.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Like putting on a fake mustache and sing in a barbershop quartet.”

Sigma: “Or writing a fanfic with undeserved success.”

Crazy56U: “Or learning how to cook meth!”



That one day was a wreck. I woke up, and suddenly, everypony was talking smack about me! It started with “Rainbow dash is cool, but she can be cooler.”



NaturalGlitch: It turns out they were talking about rainbow icecream.

Ferret: How much cooler can she be? Anybody?

Scarlet: It’s not worth it, my mammalian friend. It just isn’t worth it.

Crazy56U: ...is this during “The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well”?!

SC276: By how much, 20%?



Then it became “Rainbow dash is lame.”



NaturalGlitch: Well, get her some crutches, then!

Crazy56U: I’m not hearing a no...



Ever since that one crash, everypony has been insulting me. I was showing off my moves. I even put up a big show for it!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I tapdanced and everything! Sure, the stage caught on fire, but—”

Scarlet: Dash, the “Spider Man 3” strategy is never a good plan.

Crazy56U: Yeah, Rainbow Dash isn’t Emo Peter-y enough to even try and pull that off...



I pulled off lots of crazy, amazing tricks. It was in a Wonderbolts arena. I was just being awesome, but I got carried away.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—by ninja ponies! But I was ready for ‘em!”

Sigma: “My pretending to be a pirate came in handy here, because pirates always beat ninjas!”

Crazy56U: Eh, “carried” not “sailed”, but close enough. (blasts “Come Sail Away”)



In the end I tried to pull of 5 Rainbooms in one boost.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Sure, they put the name on band aids for foals, but those suckers can sting.”

Scarlet: Off one boost pad? Rainbow, the physics engine can’t possibly handle that!

Crazy56U: A Quintuple Rainboom?! Okay, now we’ve entered the realm of fantasy, here! (scoff)

SC276: How far across dimensions do you think she’ll reach this time?

Topher: *Pulls out notebook, starts scribbling* well, if performing a secondary rainboom allows her to cross between shows, it’s reasonable to assume that the third would take her into the real world and the fourth subsequent boom would take her in even deeper into fan fiction, meaning the fifth would take her another level below that, into fanfiction ri- *Topher is then liquefied as rainbow dash explodes out of a hole in the air*

SC276: ...I’ll be sure to notify your next of kin.



But I crashed into a Stone wall…



NaturalGlitch: [Stone wall] “The heck did I get here?”

Ferret: Thus ending the American Civil War.

Scarlet: SEE? I told you!

Fallen Prime: But the MARVEL Civil War is just beginning…

Sigma: Team Rogers for life.

Crazy56U: Oh, hey, Stonewall’s back! I haven’t seen him since the “Past Sins” MST! This just made my day!



Somehow… and then the ponies started laughing at me after those two bullies said. “Ha, Rainbow Crash failed!” Even my friends, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Rarity were laughing!



NaturalGlitch: That’s ‘cause Pinkie Pie was making fart noises with her mane. They couldn’t help themselves.

Crazy56U: They were laughing at Pinkie’s antics? I highly doubt that.



IT WAS HUMILIATING!!!



Sigma: Suddenly, a 13 year old girl’s diary.

Scarlet: ...That’s mine! *snatches*

Crazy56U: “ALSO I THINK I BROKE THE CAPS LOCK KEY, PLEASE HELP”

SC276: Given most spell checkers skip over words that are in all caps, I’m surprised that’s spelled right.



So I went home to try and sleep it off.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Unfortunately, my home was caught in a breeze and also crashed into a Stone wall.”

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, Rainbow tried drinking her problems away and wound up blacking out in the kitchen.

Dark Angel: Well considering the fanfics she’s been put into, I’d try to drink myself stupid too.



When I got home, I went to bed, and then I had nightmares of my best friends calling me names.



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Who’s a cutie-wootie little Pegasus? You are!~♥”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Oh, howdy, Rainbow Dash-”

[Rainbow] “STOP TORMENTING ME!!!”



They were also saying really mean things about me.



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I only wanted to hug Rainbow for three seconds, but she insisted on five. What a hug-bug.”

Scarlet: “Not bad, Dash! If you keep it up you might almost be average!”

Crazy56U: (tears up notecard; bitter) Nice job stealing the math joke, friend...

Dark Angel: Well, you could make a joke like she was only performing at 20%… oh, sorry.

Crazy56U: (tears up another notecard; more bitter) Yeah… I bet you are...

RJ: [Rarity] “Rainbow Dash always dresses in style!”



I knew it was a dream, but it kept going on and on! It drove me crazy that night, and I felt mad at my friends.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow, in a huff] “I am not a cutie or a whootie, and how long I hug is my business!”

Crazy56U: Mad enough… to kill?!

SC276: So the split-off point was either Sonic Rainboom if Rainbow wasn’t too paralyzed to perform, or… some future thing that probably casts the original fic as a distant sequel to the entire series, even though that makes even less sense.



I tried to give them one last chance to show they still cared the next, but then I heard Pinkie Pie cracking jokes about my failure!



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “And that’s what happened to all the oatmeal!”

Waterpear: That awkward moment when your failures turn your friends into a riffing collective.

Crazy56U: But, were they better than our jokes? That’s the real question!



And my friends laughed at every one!



NaturalGlitch: Someone let in the Joker Gas! Run!!

Scarlet: “Look at that One over there! It’s slightly more than nothing! Ahahahahaha-”

Crazy56U: Oh God, they turned into a living, breathing Laugh Track! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

SC276: Outta my way, slowcoach! I got to set up the only business at the top of that hill before someone else does!



I walked up to them and said, “Is that really what you think about me, A LAUGHABLE FAILURE!?”



Sigma: Yes.

Ferret: That was almost too easy.

Crazy56U: Well, really, there’s no other answer...

Dark Angel: Was that a trick question?



Twilight tried to calm me down by saying, “Wait Rainbow dash, it isn’t what you think! We were just having a little fun.”



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Pinkie was about to do her impression of Bulk Biceps.”

Ferret: (Twilight): Why can’t you get a sense of humor, you embarrassing failure?

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Fluttershy made these really good brownies and (snicker) now we just can’t stop being happy!”



“AT MY EXPENSE!!!” I shouted.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It’s expensive to make those jokes! Now I owe Muffins five bits!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “But, Rainbow, you said it was okay if I borrowed your credit card!”

[Rainbow] “...NO, I DIDN’T!”



“Now what just a minute RD, we weren’t laughing too much!”



Sigma: “Just a bit hysterically!”

Scarlet: “And a bit too loud! And that never hurt no one!”

Crazy56U: What, is today Opposite Day, then? Were you guys just sobbing hysterically?



“And so lied the element of HONESTY!?”



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Um...I’m over here, Rainbow. That’s a table you’re yelling at.”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “I AM THE TABLE!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “No, YOU need to get your eyes checked!”



“Now Rainbow dash, darling, we didn’t mean any harm. To be honest it WAS Pinkie pie who started it.”



NaturalGlitch: Plot twist: Rainbow is talking to the rag dolls from the creepy-pasta a few riffs back.

Scarlet: Plot twists are supposed to be unexpected.

Crazy56U: (eye begins twitching; grabs head) W-why would you remind me of that...



“You are supposed to be GENEROUSLY taking the blame!?”



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I’ma snuggle you!” [Dash] “No! I’ll feel adorable if you do!”

Sigma: Something tells me author doesn’t understand what words mean.

Ferret: Twilight: “Rainbow, why are you being so bitchy?”

Rainbow: “I guess the element of MAGIC wouldn’t...uh...shit.”

Waterpear: [Rainbow] Element of MAGIC? more like the element of...um...bitchcraft!

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Rainbow, stop trying to be clever, you really aren’t…”



“But wait Dashie, I was only making them laugh!”

“The element of LAUGHTER, LAUGHING AT SOMEPONY’S FAILURE!?”



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Like that stupid head—King Sombra! What a kook!”

Scarlet: “Well, yeah. Giggle at the terrible things in life and all that. It’s what I do, Rainbow. It’s what I am.”

Crazy56U: No comment.

SC276: Oh, poor Pinkie Pie… And here I thought laughter made you happy.



“Rainbow dash, how dare you!? That isn’t at all what we meant!”



Sigma: “We just meant that it’s hilarious to see YOU specifically fail!”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Seriously, Rainbow, you need to relax. Do you want a brownie-”

[Rainbow] “YOU KNOW I HAVE TWO STRIKES, FLUTTERSHY!”

[Fluttershy] “...Ponyville legalized pot, like, 10 years ago…”



“And that was supposed to be KIND!?”



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Don’t make me sick Mr Bear on you! He already had his nap and doesn’t need you as his teddy bear.”

Scarlet: “Um, actually, no. It wasn’t, er, supposed to be kind, even remotely. I just thought that you failing made me feel marginally better about my own painful inadequacy and inability to function as a normal pony and why is everyone staring at me now it’s making me uncomfortable.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “No, that was me trying to get you to understand that, to be blunt, you are being kind of a bitch.”

[Everypony Else] “(loud gasp)”

[Fluttershy] “What, someone had to say it. (eats another brownie)”



“Um… I mean..” Fluttershy stopped and started crying.



Sigma: Ah, she’s realised what she’s in.

Ferret: Good job, Dash. You made Fluttershy cry. Do you feel big now?

Scarlet: It’d be more traumatic if things that made Fluttershy cry in the past twenty-four hours didn’t also include loud noises and re-runs of her favorite soap opera.

Crazy56U: Huh, I figured Fluttershy would be used to Rainbow’s asshole moments by now…

SC276: I love how we only knew it was Fluttershy talking before this because of the CAPITALS of formatless emphasis.



“I can’t believe you all; there isn’t anything magical about cracking insulting jokes about your friend behind her back!”



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Even if my back does have a crack, and crack is wack, then... Why do I smell colors?”

Crazy56U: ...did Rainbow just insult Seinfeld?



“Now wait now Rainbow Dash! I understand what we said and did was wrong, we are sorry for that!”



Sigma: “We’re sorry that it’s wrong, that is, because it’s pretty fun!”

Crazy56U: Yeah, Rainbow, listen to… uh… …[insert name of pony talking here]! They know what they’re talking about… whoever they are!



“No you’re not! I KNOW you’re going to do it again! I KNOW IT!”



Sigma: “THE FLOATING CUBES TOLD ME SO!”

Scarlet: No, damn it! No paranoia yet! I haven’t prepped myself for another conspiracy rant!

Waterpear: Support Time Cube or be cursed!

Crazy56U: And the special word of the day is PARANOIA! (claps)



“But Rainbow Dash, darling…”

“SHUT UP RARITY!!!



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Dark Angel: Uh...wrong fic.

SC276: Sorry. Picked a bad time to warm up for next week.

Crazy56U: Well, good luck on that!



You should be comforting me, telling me my failure wasn’t all that bad, but instead you are all talking about how “Comedic” My faceplant on the stone wall was!



Dark Angel: Well…it was.

NaturalGlitch: OK, is anyone else getting sick of the sheer lack of descriptions? I can barely tell who’s talking!

Sigma: That’s why I’m not using tags so much, it doesn’t matter because they’re all interchangeable.

Crazy56U: Oh, thank God, I thought I was the only one...



Or how “Hilarious” It was when I FELL!!!



Sigma: You’re RIGHT, it WAS pretty hilarious!

Dark Angel: It wasn’t really the fall that was hilarious. It was the splat sound she made when she hit the ground.

Scarlet: The real hilarity is Rainbow’s current inability to end a sentence without capslock.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s because Rainbow is having trouble CONTROLLING THE VOLUME OF her voice.



THAT ISN’T WHAT A FRIEND SHOULD DO!!! You all went back on your elements just to be cruel! How COULD YOU!?”



NaturalGlitch: That’s when Rainbow realized the fangs and fly-like wings. Changelings!

Crazy56U: Okay, can we stop alluding to “Return of Harmony”, please? Thank you.



“Rainbow dash, calm down, this isn’t you!”

“Well, Twilight, apparently it IS!”



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It says so right on my underwear!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Also, because I never got to you before when calling out the others: element of MAGIC?! More like, SATANIST!”



“But Dashie?!?”

“Not a WORD PINKIE!!”



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “How about two words?”

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow murdered Pinkie. The End.

SC276: And then Cupcakes was read backwards. Also, if she’s not a Word Pinkie, which Pinkie is she? An Excel Pinkie?



“Um… Rainbow dash, please calm down, you’re…”



Sigma: “-being a faggot.”

Scarlet: *reflexively punches Sigma* Oh! Damn, sorry, I- nah, not really. Not sorry.

Sigma: I didn’t even know I HAD that much blood.

Crazy56U: ...you deserved it. (smacks you upside the head)



“Oh I’m sorry, am I scaring you Fluttershy? Or should I say, ‘FlutterCRUEL!?’”



Waterpear: Evolves from Fluttercool at level 30.

Ferret: Wow, how clever. It must have taken you all of three seconds to come up with that biting remark.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, no need to reference “Pony POV Series”...



Fluttershy gasped and began to cry loudly.



NaturalGlitch: “She hit her funny bone on the table.”

Scarlet: Rainbow Dash didn’t feel the first pangs of alarm until the bats crashed into the room and joined in the sobbing.

Crazy56U: And then the rest of the town beat Rainbow to death for further upsetting Fluttershy. The End.



Then I said, “You are SO…”



Sigma: “-yellow!”

Crazy56U: “-Fluttershyier than normal right now!”



I stopped myself and said, “You know what, what’s done is done. But let bygones be bygones, just don’t do it again.”



NaturalGlitch: (neck snaps) Oh, OK.

Scarlet: Woops, the story ran out of conflict. Quick, inject some!

Crazy56U: Yeah, no, that’s not how that works. You don’t just rant and scream at your friends for several minutes and then immediately decide to pretend it didn’t happen.



“We Won’t!” They all said.



Crazy56U: ... ... ...damn, those must be some strong brownies...



Then I replied, “I forgive you.” But I really wanted them dead.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “All I have to do is wait for them to grow old and die. And now I begin the waiting game.”

SC276: Insert Mammoth Mogul joke here.

Ferret: So, apparently it’s okay for Rainbow to blatantly lie to their faces, but when they genuinely apologize, she goes apeshit. Sure.

Crazy56U: Because, fuck it, the Rainbow Factory needs to happen somehow...



That night, I had another bad dream about the same event.



Sigma: “As opposed to my usual wet dreams of my own failure.”

Scarlet: You know, the sad thing is that’s a more interesting premise than this story’s. Hurray!

Crazy56U: Except it now was the day of the big test and Rainbow didn’t study! ...wait...



But now, I was kept up all night.



Dark Angel: If Rainbow was up all night, then how could she have a bad dream?

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I don’t remember putting my giant clown doll in that chair. ...wait, when did I get a giant clown doll?”

Scarlet: You mean not everyone owns one?

SC276: Only if a yellow bunny in a bee-striped shirt and hat counts as a clown.

Crazy56U: Well, if she was up all night, did she at least get lucky?



They put me into a lower level than of my pure awesomeness!



Sigma: Yeah, you sound like a bitch now. Like, more so than previously.

Scarlet: “And the worst thing was that they cheated! Only undead can drain levels! I checked the stupid monster manual!”

Crazy56U: Well, I’ve played enough Tomodachi Life to know the best solution to this: mope around in your room until they get sick of fighting and want to apologize!



How COULD they!?



Sigma: By moving their mouths and mocking you.

SC276: Much the same way we are, actually, but we’ve got a rather thick fourth wall in the way, so not much option there.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a sledgehammer) You sure?

SC276: I meant options for her to kill us.



I thought we were friends! Generosity, honesty, laughter, kindness, Magic, and loyalty.



Crazy56U: Oh, dear, Rainbow forgot everyone’s names… Even her own, at that...



“Loyalty, HA!” I thought,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I’ll show them loyalty! I’ll sew myself into all their skins so I can be super loyal! Muahahahahaha!”

Scarlet: Glitch, take my heart. You’ve earned it. *hands throbbing, still-beating heart*

SC276: ...Shouldn’t that kill you?

Dark Angel: Well, considering Scarlet took that heart out of a pocket…

Topher: *Rummaging in his pockets, with numerous squelching noises* I don’t have a heart to give, how about two pancreases and a kidney?

Crazy56U: (steals Scarlet’s heart) Dibs. (eats it)



“What is the point of loyalty if your friends don’t even care for it.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I mean, so what if I stare at them through their windows as they sleep? What if a monster attacks them in the middle of the night?”

Crazy56U: Okay, at this point, you could replace all of Rainbow’s dialogue with this and absolutely nothing would change.



Slowly, my mind descended into a deep darkness,



Crazy56U: CRAWLLLING IN MY SKIIN



I felt so humiliated, and now my friends fail me too!?



Sigma: “What total Starscreams!”

SC276: Usually maddening into misanthropy takes a couple weeks. Rainbow’s fast, indeed.

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow is a hardcore napper. She can go to sleep in a blink of an eye.

Crazy56U: Isn’t that a sign of narcolepsy?



Why…Why… Why… “Why” was all I could think of!



NaturalGlitch: I had the same thought when yet another Transformers movie that came out.

Scarlet: I mostly describe my thought process while riffing as that, punctuated by sudden bursts of expletives.

Crazy56U: Well, at the risk of repeating jokes from other riffs: Why? Because we like you!



Throughout the whole night, I had no sleep, and my mind became more and more insane.



SC276: Did she telepathically connect to Joker or something? ...Actually, that would be a more interesting premise.

Crazy56U: Nah, the author would find a way to fuck even that up...



I was rejected by the only ponies I loved and cared for, now they’re going to PAY!



Sigma: Would you like that payment in bits, euros, or yen?

Scarlet: It’s a horror story, Sigma. We only take blood. Preferably type-AB Positive, I’m running low on that.

SC276: Just those five. And not Gilda, anyone else from flight camp, anyone else on Ponyville’s weather team, the Wonderbolts, the Princesses...

NaturalGlitch: In what fanfic did that happen?

Crazy56U: The fanfic that this is a prequel to, obviously!



But how could I do that? How could I betray the ones I love?



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I could give them fewer hugs! No, wait, that’s too cruel.”

SC276: I’m sure the narrative will answer that in a few moments.

Crazy56U: Make them watch Series 8 of Doctor Who. Specifically “Kill the Moon”.



My mind fumbled over this question all night. Eventually, I asked exactly HOW to betray them.



NaturalGlitch: Try inviting them to lunch, then show up five minutes late; that usually works.

Sigma: With poorly made “forgiveness cakes” that misspell their names?

Crazy56U: Well, if you don’t want to use “Kill the Moon”, there is the Robin Hood episode...



They were so mean, so inconsiderate. Why would they ever do that!? WHY!?



Sigma: Because it’s hilarious.

Crazy56U: They’re gonna submit footage of your crash to “Equestria’s Funniest Home Videos” and win the cash prize. They were gonna share it with you, but...



Again my mind drifted through that question. Why… Just… why…?



NaturalGlitch: Again, my thoughts on [NAME OF MOVIE HERE].

Scarlet: Because the surest evidence that the universe lacks an omnibenevolent, omnipotent deity is in the existence of this f- okay, well, not this one specifically. But you know. In general.

Crazy56U: Let’s ask Rev!



Then the next day, I tried it again. I went to find them, but when I looked for them, I couldn’t find them.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I checked all over Cloudsdale for ‘em! ...wait.”

Crazy56U: And thus, the most tense game of Hide and Go Seek begins.



I searched all day; it was tiring for a Pegasus who got no sleep. It was like they were avoiding me!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Why weren’t they in the sky clearing the clouds?! ...I really should get some sleep.”

Scarlet: Exploring without the use of a HUD is difficult sometimes, Rainbow. But I believe in you. We all believe in you.

Dark Angel: Now why in Equestria would they be avoiding you?

Crazy56U: You suck at Hide and Go Seek, Rainbow...



I went literally everywhere in Equestria,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Even in DJ’s secret rave location. I may have gotten sidetracked there.”

Sigma: If she LITERALLY went everywhere, either she sucks at looking or she doesn’t know what literal means.

SC276: Oh my god, Rainbow is the Internet?!

Crazy56U: That explains so much and so little at the same time.



but still couldn’t find them. Then I thought to myself, “WHERE THE HAY COULD THEY BE!?” I was gone all day, and when I got home, a worse surprise was to befall me.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “That pizza I ate wasn’t too happy with my stomach and I forgot to buy toilet paper.”

Scarlet: Party. Please be a literal pity party.

Crazy56U: Rainbow left the oven on, and her house burned down. You ever see a cloud house burn down before? It’s not pretty.



I was tired, my wings were exhausted, and my hooves didn’t want to move!



NaturalGlitch: [Hooves] “You don’t appreciate us! We’re on strike!”

Crazy56U: The poison began to set in...



But I had to at least get home, and THAT is when another thing happened.



Sigma: “I came.”

SC276: Something Has Happened!

Crazy56U: The Fire Nation attacked?

Topher: The Crystal Empire returned?

Dark Angel: This actually became a good fanfic?



I opened my door and Black Paint fell all over me,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I forgot I instructed Tank to surprise me with pranks so I can always be ready for any surprise.”

Scarlet: Pity Party completely cancelled. Oh well, I guess I can go throw one for myself now.

SC276: [Rainbow] “I don’t know how Black Paint flew fast enough to get wedged above my door.”

Crazy56U: And then red paint. Rainbow officially became a shitty OC.



I wiped it out of my eyes, it burned, but I did it anyway.



Crazy56U: “What I’m doing is wrong, I know it’s wrong, but I’m gonna do it

anyway!”



I looked up, and then I saw Pinkie pie, and she was laughing her mane off!



Sigma: You’re wrong, Dash, she wasn’t laughing her mane off. She just has cancer.

NaturalGlitch: ...how did Pinkie Pie get up there? (smack forehead) Oh, duh, she has a helicopter… thingie.

Crazy56U: Wrong, she teleported.



She deliberately covered me in paint and nearly cost me my eyes!



Crazy56U: Okay, no that’s your own damn fault. It was NOT mentioned that it even got

into your eyes until you started wiping them, hence me quoting Mr. Enter. You only

have yourself to blame for that.



So I said, “PINKIE!!!!!!!! WHAT IN EQUESTRIA WAS THAT FOR!!!!!????”



Sigma: “I even said all the exclamation marks and question marks!”

NaturalGlitch: What’s with these pony fics and making the characters into petty and vitriolic little children? I thought it was made clear that Rainbow likes pranks and—I wish the bugs in my arm would shut up.

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “What are you talking abou- oopsie! That was supposed to be pig’s blood, not black paint. I can see why you’re mad, sorry about that!”



Then she replied, “Come on, it’s just a little harmless fun!”



Sigma: [Pinkie] “It’s just- Oh, wait, crap. It’s LEAD paint. Sorry, Dash, make that harmful fun.”

SC276: Harmless. Right. Let me tell you a story. When I was in high school, some punk tried to steal my backpack, so I chased after him like a homing missile into the parking lot. I actually saw him look back at me on route and freak out that I was chasing him and catching up. I got it back, he ditched it and fled, and no one ever tried to jack my pack again. If someone tried dumping paint - not water like an honest prankster, but paint - on me, there would be no survivors.

Dark Angel: (stops setting up a prank with paint) …I’m just gonna leave now…

Crazy56U: ...so, I won’t do it as a prank. (dumps can of paint on SC276)

SC276: …...your death shall be slow and painful.

Crazy56U: K. (dumps more paint onto your head)

SC276: ...OK, seriously, why do you keep dumping paint on me?

Crazy56U: That’s a good question. Here’s the answer. (leaves)

SC276: ….aaaaaand I’ve stopped caring. Moving on.



But I wasn’t laughing, I was SO infuriated! After all I did, SHE decided to make my day worse! That is where Pinkie Pie was put on my “Hate List”,



SC276: The whole “mocking your pain” thing didn’t do it? Or the constant tense changes?

Crazy56U: (comes back) “Hate List”? ...you mean that napkin I found by the trash?



for



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—not thinking of marketing Zap Apple Jam Cupcakes. She said it would be too shocking.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “managing to fuck up a Carrie reference; it’s not that hard, Pinkie!”



“Deliberately upsetting me after a long hard day of searching for everypony, when in reality, she was planning this all along!”



Waterpear: I hear this is a class 5 felony in some states.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Yeah, we had cake and icecream, even had a few pillow fights, but that’s besides the point!”

Sigma: If she searched EVERYWHERE, how did she miss this?

Crazy56U: Once again, the magic word of the day? PARANOIA!



And It was a good description too,



Waterpear: So many Fimfiction disasters have started with these words.

Crazy56U: CBS sitcoms have better descriptions than that.



after I stepped forward, I hit a pressure plate which dropped streamers on me, it WASN’T FUNNY!!!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It was extremely hilarious! I laughed so much I forgot all my troubles.”

Sigma: What’s so bad about streamers? Did streamers rape her mom?

Crazy56U: (legitimately confused) ...um… ...what?

Scarlet: Look, if they corrupted my ability to end thoughts without using capital letters I’d resent ‘em too!

SC276: Maybe Pinkie ran out of feathers?

Crazy56U: In that case, why did she use black paint instead of tar? Man, Pinkie’s starting to slack off in the pranking category…

SC276: And also: “I made it all up. (party horn) Surprise.”



Then I was about to say something to Pinkie when I slipped because of the paint and fell down my stairway!



NaturalGlitch: I wonder if her stairway is made of clouds or if it’s built from some sort of material that stays afloat on top of clouds?

Scarlet: But more importantly, if she begins walking up it, is she then climbing a stairway to heaven?

SC276: Wait, are these stairs like those in a front hallway, or like the steps leading up to the front porch?

Crazy56U: Front porch. Rainbow slid out of her house, and fell to the ground. But, (un)luckily, Lyra broke her fall.



It was ORIGINALLY harmless, but I GOT HARMED!!!!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “So what if I barely noticed that a giant boulder landed on my wing when I tried to take off?! That little fall gave me boo-boos and ouchies!”

Scarlet: Look, Rainbow, not our fault you made Constitution your dump stat!

Topher: “I’m putting EMPHASIS on all the BAD THINGS happening to be so that my MORAL TOTAL 180 will HOPEFULLY seem more JUSTIFIED!”

Crazy56U: ...as what happens when you fall: at first it doesn’t hurt, then you hit the

ground. Physics.



And thanks to Pinkie Pie, I was now badly hurt, my wing was sprained and my neck wouldn’t move!



Sigma: Was she decapitated?

Scarlet: Nah, then her neck would be twitching around in her death throes.

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s head detaches, obviously.



When I moved my neck,



Waterpear: Rainbow Dash’s special talent is moving immovable necks.

Scarlet: Special Agent Double-O-Dash.

Crazy56U: That’s… a sucky special agent ability. Bon Bon would be ashamed of her.



I moved it back into place, apparently, she DISLOCATED my NECK!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I can survive nucking a barn by crashing into it without a scratch, but the bouncy floor broke my spine in three places!”

Scarlet: According to the can of paint used in this case… huh. Apparently it was lead-based. Well, that explains far too much!

Crazy56U: Uh, no, that’s the fault of gravity. ...unless Pinkie did that to you as you fell...



I got back up and Pinkie Tried to apologize, but I wouldn’t accept her apology, she caused me Emotional and now PHYSICAL pain,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Pinkie even tried to kiss my ouchies, but I don’t want her to see me blush from all the attention.”

Crazy56U: (monotone) Insert Cupcakes joke here.



all I could say was, “Get… Out… NOW!!!!” Then Pinkie pie scurried away like the rat she was!



Sigma: How harsh! Pinkie is a gerbil, not a rat!

Scarlet: Neither! She is a capybara, the most cordial and friendly of all rodents!

Topher: Maybe a quokka! Those guys are so friendly that they’re endangered because they walk up to predators to say hello!

Crazy56U: No, she’s a hamster. Speaking from experience, hamsters are insane. Like

Pinkie.

NaturalGlitch: Aww, that sounds so cute!~



Little did I know there were more “Friendly pranks” in my house!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I was wearing a monocle the whole time? And how did you put a black hole in my bathroom?”

SC276: This is what happens when Pinkie gets too many vacation days.

Crazy56U: Whoopee cushions. Whoopee cushions everywhere.



After Pinkie Pie left, her traps didn’t leave with her.



Sigma: “Now there’re transvestites EVERYWHERE!”

Scarlet: Can I move into this house?

Crazy56U: Well, duh. It’s not like the traps are sentient or anything…

Scarlet: So what you’re saying is Pinkie has an army of cross-dressing automatons? Actually, I can’t put that past her.



So NOW I had more pain to experience, oh goody.



Crazy56U: THESE WOUUNDS, THEY WILLLL NOT HEALLLLLL!



I tried to get back in my house to get to bed, but when I reached the stairway to my room,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I found my security blanket was slightly crooked! Will Pinkie’s rein for prank terror ever cease?!”

Scarlet: Well, she’d finished climbing the stairway to heaven at that point…

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I found that she spray-painted ‘FUK U’ on my door!”



I Slipped on a whoopee cushion that let out an insulting farting noise as I fell to a possible DOOM!



Waterpear: Oh, this is what Fawful’s “mustard of your doom” did.

Sigma: Oh, great, farts. Did Kudzu proofread this?

SC276: How did Pinkie even know where to put that?

Crazy56U: (pumps fists) CALLED IT!



I tumbled down the stairs one step at a time, and it was extremely painful.



Topher: Pfft! What a pansy! You’ll never make it in extreme sports if you keep that weak shit up, Dash! *Throws himself down a nearby flight of stairs* WHOO-*oof*OOO-*oof*-HOOOO-*oof*OOO!!!

Crazy56U: Well, luckily there were only 2 stairs.



And When I hit the bottom, I tripped over boneless;



Crazy56U: W-wait, does this take place in Season 4?!



who made me fall into my kitchen, I hit a counter and a knife fell right into my Right hoof.



Sigma: I see, Dash got it all wrong. Pinkie didn’t make a bunch of pranks, she made her house into a Rube Goldberg machine!

Scarlet: “A friendship, broken by loyalty” - the story of Rainbow Dash’s sudden and unexpected genre shift into slapstick!

SC276: Who or what is “boneless” and why did she trip over it?

Dark Angel: Boneless is the rubber chicken that Cheese Sandwich gave Pinkie Pie.

SC276: Ah, right… Probably would’ve recognized him with his capital.

Crazy56U: You got stabbed… ...with a knife… ...after striking the counter… … ...eh, too easy.



“AAAAAAAGHH!!!!!!” I shouted. I was in such excruciating pain, the knife dug deep and my hoof was leaking a lot of blood.



Scarlet: And then abruptly into pathos, apparently. Whiplash. Whiplash everywhere.

NaturalGlitch: You mean the hoof you used as a hammer to nail in one stomp? The ones that—in real life—need sharper tools than a knife to clean?

Crazy56U: Hey, my Linkin Park jokes payed off! I am on a roll!



When I tried to pull the knife out, a spoon fell on the knife and drowned it deeper into my Hoof.



Sigma: …Or maybe she made it into a Three Stooges routine.

NaturalGlitch: I think I remember a similar scene in the book How Not To Write A Story.

Crazy56U: Okay, either Rainbow is made out of taffy, or that spoon is made out of

solid steel.



I could hardly bare the pain, but I pulled the knife out, and it was bleeding more than a gutted fish!



Sigma: I’m confused, assuming this author subscribes to the WAY too common “MEAT EATING BAD” idea, how would Dash know what a gutted fish looks like?

NaturalGlitch: My guess; spooky movies.

Dark Angel: This is a Rainbow Factory spin-off. All normal world logic is thrown right out the window.

Topher: [Pinkie Pie] “Calm down, dude! It’s just a prank”

Crazy56U: Rainbow, you idiot, knives don’t bleed!



I tried to reach a phone, but



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—I couldn’t tell who was phone!”

Sigma: Wait, ponies have phones?

Scarlet: Well, how else could they get calls from inside the house?

SC276: Really wish I knew that when I started writing my Ghost Trick crossover fic.

Crazy56U: ...you realized that you don’t have a phone?



it was all the way upstairs. So, instead, I just got large amounts of paper towels and wrapped it around my now gushing hoof.



NaturalGlitch: So… why weren’t you hovering around like you usually do?

Crazy56U: She sprained her wing.



“Pinkie Pie, if I live through this I will SO KILL YOU!!!!” I shouted.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Oh~ you silly filly! I’ve been dead the whole time, and so have you!~”

Scarlet: You have already earned my heart, Glitch. Take my spleen now. *hands over a spleen*

Dark Angel: Do you own an organ bank or something?

Scarlet: Yes. I own an “organ bank.”

Crazy56U: Well, given that you took the blade out and the wound is gushing blood, I’m gonna guess… you’re gonna live through it.



But that wasn’t the last of it! I went upstairs and my phone was missing,



SC276: Yeah, stealing a phone, a real classic of a prank.

Crazy56U: (secretly pocketing Scarlet’s phone) I know, right?



which was great, and I couldn’t go all the way to the hospital, it was too far, and I was in pain.



NaturalGlitch: ...so fly there.

Scarlet: But how can she fly with an injured hoof? *jazz hands*

Crazy56U: Okay, did the sprained wing bit get retconned, or am I literally the only one who remembers that?



So I decided to go to bed.



NaturalGlitch: (back snaps in half) Oh, OK.

Crazy56U: Nothing helps being covered in paint, falling down the stairs, and getting stabbed quite like sleep!



When I got to my room, in slipped on some soap, obviously left by pinkie pie,



Crazy56U: Nope, it was Fluttershy.



and slid into my bed which was covered in maple syrup. “Some friend SHE is!” I thought.



Sigma: Yeah, what a friend! I’d LOVE a maple syrup bed! It’d make pancakes even easier to eat in bed!

Crazy56U: And it also makes eating the bed itself easier!

Dark Angel: …why would you eat your bed?

Crazy56U: I’m glad you asked!



I got up from my bed and turned on the lights which triggered another “Surprise”.



Waterpear: Oh god no, it’s a deranged G1 crossover.

Sigma: Suddenly, crossover with MLP G1 and Transformers G1!

Topher: “A box of fire ants fell onto my syrup-bed!

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Rainbow got shot!



The light was wired to a net full of pillows, and it fell on me!



NaturalGlitch: Were the pillows hiding in a pocket dimension? How did that happen?

Scarlet: All answers point to “bullshit”, so I choose to blame the God of Shenanigans.

Crazy56U: (buzzer) I’m so sorry, the correct answer was “Because, shut up.”



Luckily, it was just pillows so it didn’t hurt too badly,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “They even smelled like bubblegum and cotton candy. Too bad they didn’t taste like it.”

Crazy56U: C’mon, seriously? Did you expect Pinkie to have the pillows stuffed with bricks or something? ...again?



but after this night, I didn’t want any more “Friendly” Pranks.



Sigma: [Rainbow] “I demand unfriendly pranks, dammit!”

Scarlet: “But Rainbow, I had a two-for-one special on misery! I had to cash it in-” “Not now, Pinkie!”

Crazy56U: Well, sucks to be you, ‘cause I doubt Pinkie’s done yet...



So it only got me more upset. Now I had to take a shower to wash off the syrup, blood, and feathers from the pillow prank.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I already showered last week!”

Scarlet: Pinkie rigged all this in how long, again? While in Rainbow’s cloud house? Which she cannot walk on?

SC276: Well she had all day, to answer that first one. No idea on the cloudwalking. I’m more focused on where all the paint that started this went.

Crazy56U: Rainbow fell down the stairs so fast that it evaporated!



Clearly she knew I would fall for the syrup prank, so now, the shower was Booby trapped.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Just because I wore a bikini at the beach doesn’t mean I have booby envy! That’s just swimwear!”

Crazy56U: Drake and Josh were to blame for this one.



GREAT!!! But I didn’t know this, so I turned the handle… and a rubber ball hit me in the head.



Sigma: To quote Private Tucker, that doesn’t seem physically possible!

SC276: That’s what Jimmy kept screaming!

Crazy56U: Rainbow, are you sure Pinkie was behind that one? Are you sure that it

wasn’t a pre-existing issue with your plumbing?



“DARN IT PINKIE!!” I shouted once more.



NaturalGlitch: Pinkie goes out of her way to make her friends smile and laugh, so why would she trap Rainbow’s house like this went Rainbow obviously had a bad day?

Scarlet: Solution- it wasn’t Pinkie! This is another, rival pegasus! The cloud house walking, the fact that she was able to mold the clouds to fit these elaborate and frankly kind of stupid traps- IT ALL MAKES absolutely no sense, but once again, take what you can get.

Crazy56U: This is the prequel to “Rainbow Factory” AND there was a stabbing and blood. You can say “damn”. It’s okay.



Then I was finally able to wash myself off… after Pinkie replaced my body wash with oil.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “She even replaced my loofah with a brick! It wasn’t too bad, actually.”

Scarlet: I am honestly hoping this leads to “and then I was set on fire.”

Crazy56U: Well, luckily, it was vegetable oil, so it wasn’t that bad.

Dark Angel: This has to be a dream or something. I mean, I know Pinkie is into pranks and all. But this is beyond any reasoning…of course that implies this story has any reasoning at all.



Now THAT was all over me too! I found my REAL body wash, but not until after picking it up caused a plastic screen to fall on me.



NaturalGlitch: Even Pinkie would know this would ware on anyone’s nerves. One of the biggest pranks she ever did was to make Rarity sneeze. If you ask Pinkie, she’d stop immediately; she’s very considerate like that.

Crazy56U: Okay, this is now Home Alone: Psychopath Edition. What the fuck.

Sigma: I still think that this house has just been turned into a big Rube Goldberg machine.

Dark Angel: Not even a Rube Goldberg machine would last this long. This is a Rube Goldberg machine as made by the Energizer Bunny. It keeps going and going and going…



But this actually WASN’T Pinkie Pie’s prank, because she meant to be friendly, this one was cruel.



NaturalGlitch: It was obviously the Mane-iac!

Crazy56U: I wish, then this would be more interesting...



Actually it wasn’t a prank at all;



Crazy56U: It was karmic intervention!



it was just a loose screen on my roof that happened to fall when I picked up my body wash.



Sigma: It then bounced and continued to hit her.

Crazy56U: Huh, that took a turn for the Looney Tunes...



NOW I could finally take a shower.



Waterpear: At this point, I’m amazed the water isn’t made of caustic lava sharks that breathe lightning.

NaturalGlitch: You just know they’re going to make a movie about that on SyFy.

SC276: Actually, I think SyFy had a show that was basically this once.

Scarlet: “So previously I’d been covered in blood and humiliated beyond all reason and forced to inhale paint fumes and my spine had been shattered, but I instantly knew the flimsy, plastic screen was too cruel even for Pinkie.”

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, Pinkie was on the roof, giggling after having loosened the screen. Rainbow was none the wiser.



I let the water wash off most of the stuff that covered me,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—’cause as it turns out I kinda like feeling a bit sticky and bloody, like I was in a giant fight.”

Crazy56U: And by “most”, she means “none”.



and scrubbed off the rest with a sponge. After that, I went to bed and said, “Worst… night… EVER!!!” Then I went to sleep,



SC276: [Rainbow] “But not before reading a comic book.”

Crazy56U: However, it turns out Pinkie planted a bomb under the mattress, blowing up the house. Rainbow survived, naturally.



where more pain caused me mental damage in my dreams.



Scarlet: Pain hits on everything but a one. We need a dedicated healer on Rainbow, STAT, or she’s just done.

Waterpear: This is what happens when you let your dreams be memes.

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Freddy Krueger.



I felt the pain in my hoof, but now it was gushing out more blood.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Why is my blood winking and dancing at me?”

SC276: Didn’t she patch that up at some point? With the nonsense Rainbow pulls, she has to have at least three first-aid kits in her house.

Crazy56U: Given that it’s a dream, I don’t think it’s actually still gushing… Either that, or she has unlimited blood.

Sigma: Maybe she’s a Halo 1 Elite; as long as you keep punching, it keeps coming!



And then I dreamed of Anvils falling on my head, and ruining my head’s shape, physically breaking it open.



NaturalGlitch: She really is dreaming about being stuck inside a creepy-pasta!

Waterpear: It’s not hyper-realistic enough.

Crazy56U: Raindrops keep fallin' on my head… / Just like the guy whose feet are too

big for his bed...



Now my head was spitting out blood beyond my comprehension, and the worst part was, I COULDN’T WAKE UP!!!!



NaturalGlitch: Too bad Princess Luna is busy wrestling a giant Stone wall monster or she would’ve helped Rainbow with her nightmare.

Scarlet: Plot twist, this dream was real the whole time, Rainbow is hallucinating while dying.

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: Rainbow’s been in a coma ever since she fell down the stairs.

Sigma: Sure, “fell down the stairs.” We all know she’s abused by her step pare- Wait, no, that’s Scootabuse.



The nightmare trapped me in pain and misery, and the culprit… PINKIE PIE! Then Princess Luna came to help.



NaturalGlitch: ...oh. I swear I had no idea that was going to happen.

Crazy56U: (sarcastically) Surrrrrrrrrrrrre…

Sigma: [Rainbow] “She called me a little bitch then went to go drop the moon on some place called Termina.”



She saw me and noticed my pain and said, “Rainbow dash, I know you feel upset, but do not let your anger control your actions, it is the only way to keep your friends.”



SC276: Given this is a prequel, that is most certainly not going to happen.

Crazy56U: But the future refused to change.



And with that, she waved a magic spell and I woke up.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Luna didn’t actually wake me up; I just needed to use the bathroom.”

Scarlet: “Luna, why are you whipping your head back and forth like that-” “I AM WAVING THE SPELL TO WAKEN THEE. IT IS TRADITIONAL.”

Crazy56U: Uh huh, “magic spell”. Or, as it’s better known, “screaming ‘WAKE UP’”.

Sigma: Maybe she just put Chop Suey on repeat.

Crazy56U: That and not “Crocodile Chop”?



Turns out, it was past noon, and that nightmare was keeping me occupied. I heard what Luna said, but after the pain and agony Pinkie Pie caused me, (Unintentional as it was) I completely disregarded what she said and set out to seek vengeance.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I’ll order the biggest, most complicated cupcake that has ever existed!”

Scarlet: “And I’ll eat the whole thing by myself, in front of her!”

SC276: What’d I tell ya?

Crazy56U: And thus Luna’s attempt to prevent “Rainbow Factory” failed. Better luck next time!

Sigma: Just play the Song of Time, that always works.

Crazy56U: ...hence why I said “Better luck next time”. What do you take me for?

Sigma: I figured you were one of those guys with a convoluted ten year plot to have ONE instance of time travel.

Crazy56U: (legitimately confused) I’m sorry, what?

Sigma: Look, if anyone ever thought of a SENSIBLE time travel plot, I’d be out of a job.



After what she did to me, she NEEDS to be dealt with! So what if she is supposed to be my friend, a friend doesn’t put their friends in near-death experiences!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Just because I lit everypony on fire that one time...”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “But, then again, it is Pinkie…”



I was going to kill her, but luckily, Applejack needed some “Help” on the farm,



Waterpear: Yeah, she needs some “manual labor”, if you know what I mean.

Dark Angel: Get your mind out of the gutter. This is anything but a clop-fic…right? I’m not gonna find out later that Rainbow Dash kills the others by literally banging their brains out, am I?

NaturalGlitch: Applejack needs a better workout; thousand pound anvils only do so much.

Crazy56U: Let me guess, you’re going to steal an axe from Sweet Apple Acres and murder Pinkie with it?



so that distracted me and I decided to help her instead of going after Pinkie pie.



SC276: Your drive for revenge is extremely fickle.

Crazy56U: Well, we gotta pad this shit somehow.



But I was going to now suffer more pain.



NaturalGlitch: ...why didn’t you go to the hospital? I guess the MLPs have Wolverine like healing abilities in these fics.

Scarlet: She spent some of her blood pool to regen between rounds. It happens.

Sigma: She hasn’t bled enough yet, of course! She needs blood for the blood god!

Crazy56U: Two words: “Blood bank”.



Applejack told me to go into the barn, but instead of giving help, I gained agony.



NaturalGlitch: Da na na na!~

Scarlet: Set to “c” to throw it at people!

Crazy56U: Man, you should’ve gotten Brimstone. Agony’s shit...



As soon as I walked in, a block of hay fell onto my left wing, and it broke it.



NaturalGlitch: OK, so we now know this fic takes place after the Luna dream episode, so… did the author forget half of the show or—why is my reflection yelling at me?

SC276: Just her left wing? That is ridiculously precise.

Sigma: The hay bale must be a Republican.



I looked up to see where it came from, but all I saw were orange hooves scampering away. Sadly for her, I knew who it was…



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It was Rainbow Dash! ...I really, REALLY need more sleep.”

Sigma: It was Old Man Johnson in a rubber mask!

Crazy56U: “Holy hoodwinks! It’s Fred!” “I’m John Wayne! Pow pow pow!”

Dark Angel: It was Professor Plum, in the bedroom, with the candlestick…wait…



APPLEJACK!



SC276: How is that even possible? She just told you to go in there. How did she get up to above the door, by a less direct route from which you didn’t see her, faster than Rainbow can walk?!

Crazy56U: Sorry, all out. We have Trix though...



I was so upset, so that I had to ask, “APPLEJACK, WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!!!???” Then she replied,



Sigma: [AJ] “I felt like it.”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Pinkie made abusing you look like fun!”



“After your ‘episode’ two days ago,



Topher: I wish there was an episode two days ago. Who thought a mid-season hiatus was a good idea?



we all figured



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “—we wanted to cheer you up with pranks, but I can see you had a mess of a few days, so I’ll explain to the girls what’s up, OK?”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “-that you needed to be put out of your misery. Sorry, sugar. (snaps Rainbow’s neck)”

[Rainbow] “Owie.”

Dark Angel: [Scootaloo] “Oh, sorry Rainbow Dash.”

[Rainbow] (growling) “Some day you’ll pay for that!”



it’d be best to keep you grounded, cause you ain’t as fast on your hooves as you are in the sky.”



NaturalGlitch: ...that didn’t answer the question at all!

Scarlet: Wait. Wait a minute. Hold on…

Crazy56U: Well, then.



This infuriated me, to think that my friends wanted to take away the one thing I love most,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “—croquet! No, I mean—”

Scarlet: Oh jesus, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

SC276: Guys, heads up. I think the fic’s getting to him.

Topher: *Loads a tranq gun* I’m ready. This thing can take down an elephant, so it ought to work on a human.

Sigma: It’ll KILL a human.

Crazy56U: (takes tranq gun) I highly doubt that. (shoots self) ...yep. (collapses)

Topher: ...can I have my gun back, please?

Crazy56U: (death gurgle)

Topher: … (pries his gun from Crazy’s fingers)



FLYING! They take away that, and I am just “Rainbow” Not “Rainbow dash”.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I guess I could be more dashing, but the clothes I would have to wear are so itchy.”

Scarlet: Glitch, keep doing the funny riffs, I need time to parse out my thoughts here-

Crazy56U: (pops back up) Like that makes a difference.

Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “Now I gotta contact the government and tell them that my name was changed to ‘Just Rainbow’.”



They KNOW flight defines my natural talent. Honestly, how low can they go!?



NaturalGlitch: ♫Go, monkey, go! Mojo Jojo!♫

Scarlet: I CAN’T ESCAPE THE CONCLUSION. This is a shitty Higurashi crossover! The paranoia, the previously-calm best friends apparently mutating into insane bastards, the central character driving herself to self-destructive lengths! In five minutes Rainbow’s going to try to claw out her own throat and fail because she has hooves!

SC276: Um… cicadas, trash dump, card game, shrine… thing… I stopped watching the Let’s Play because I thought it was so freakin’ boring!

Scarlet: The pain I feel in my soul right now, SC. The pain…

Crazy56U: (pulls out a limbo stick) Let’s find out!



Then I was going to walk away when a pitchfork flung up and hit me in the face!



Waterpear: This contrived injury bullshit got stale five god damn paragraphs ago.

Topher: *sideshow bob noises*

Crazy56U: Oh great, the barn is haunted.



The vibration shook my entire body



Topher: Ah, I remember my first dildo.

Crazy56U: Wait, did it hit you with the force of a sack of bricks?!

Dark Angel: It’s official. This fanfic has broken the minds of nearly everyone here. (holds up brain bleach) Are we allowed to use this in the middle of a project?



and then I fell unconscious.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I was suppose to eat a cupcake for that to happen.”

Crazy56U: Uh, real talk, I think Rainbow may have brain damage at this point…

Dark Angel: Along with the majority of the riffers here.



When I woke up, I was still at Applejack’s farm, my wing was still broken, and my hoof was still badly injured.



NaturalGlitch: Seriously—changelings.

Scarlet: Hinamizawa syndrome! It’s a bitch!

Crazy56U: And three days had passed. And Pom Pom still hasn’t landed!



Then I went to talk to Applejack, and it was going to be painful.



Sigma: For her.

Crazy56U: Round 1. FIGHT.

Dark Angel: Seriously, Just Rainbow has an injured hoof and a broken wing. She’s like one hoof away from being fully incapacitated.



Not physically, but emotionally.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Puppy dog pout is a go!”

Scarlet: “And physically too, once I capped it off by beating her senseless.”

Crazy56U: Tonight, on a very special Dr. Phil…

Dark Angel: Screw Dr. Phil. I think this has entered Jerry Springer territory.



I went to her room, and overheard her talking about how she “Needed” to break my wings to “Teach me a Lesson.”



Waterpear: [zeldafand] They say I “need” things like “being in character” and “grammar” and “readable paragraph lengths” and “coherent character motivation” and “a plot that makes sense.”

NaturalGlitch: ...is Rainbow still in a nightmare?

SC276: We probably are.

Topher: Plot twist, Applejack broke Rainbow’s wing not because of her outburst, but because she refused to pay her protection money to the Civni crime family!

Crazy56U: If it was really that necessary, why didn’t you just have them cut off?



NO SHE DIDN’T!!!! That was completely unnecessary!



Waterpear: [zeldafand] But those things are completely unnecessary to my wonderful Rainbow Factory story!

Scarlet: Along with many other things- like a proofreader!

Crazy56U: And actual quality!



I was so overcome with fury, so I walked up behind her and started to strangle her.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Why you little...!”

Crazy56U: [Homer Simpson] “I’m calling my lawyer!”



Applejack tried to break free, but no matter what she tried, I wouldn’t let go.



NaturalGlitch: I thought your hoof was a wreck.

Scarlet: She’s strangling her with something other than a hoof, clearly. Clopfic authors of the world, I give the gift of your imaginations unto you. Use it wisely.

SC276: Why isn’t the pony Applejack was talking to trying to help her? Unless Applejack was villain monologuing to herself for… whatever reason.

Crazy56U: Rainbow, choking is not cool. You should know this. Or, have you not seen “Supernatural The Abridged Animation”?



She deserved to be punished. I heard her choking, and pleading for mercy, but I wouldn’t show it.



NaturalGlitch: You wouldn’t show Applejack’s own pleading?

Scarlet: “My vintage issue of Mercy No. 1 will remain sealed within its plastic display case for all time!”

Crazy56U: Wait, is Applejack gonna be the first to die?



Instead, I hung on harder and harder until she stopped moving. Her last words were,



Sigma: [AJ] “Gotcha… Bitch…”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “I’ll be back.”

Dark Angel: [AJ] “Darnit! Y’all knocked over the last barrel o’ cider!”



"Rainbow... Dash... Wh-wh-why!?" and then Applejack had breathed her last.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It turns out it ponies really do release their bowels when they die. Time for another shower.”

Scarlet: “To teach you a lesson.” See, story? See? I have to write your ironic murder-quotes for you! You are deficient! Deficient, I say!

SC276: How could she talk if she couldn’t breathe?

Crazy56U: ...holy crap, Applejack was the first to die.

Dark Angel: Only because she didn’t get to Pinkie Pie first.



I couldn’t believe what I did; I got so mad that I killed my best friend! It was horrible!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “How the heck am I going to get cider now?!”

Crazy56U: Well, that’s what you get my emulating Homer Simpson!



At first I felt satisfied, but then, I felt despair at the loss of my friend. Turns out, Applebloom



NaturalGlitch: Apple Bloom is two words.

Crazy56U: Irrelevant.



was watching the whole time, and I saw her shake her head and run away in tears. “WAIT, IT ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!” I shouted.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “She’s only mostly dead!”

Scarlet: “So this ain’t a shitty horror-fic?” “Oh! You meant that. Nah, totally is.”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “We’re just trying this thing called ‘erotic asphyxiation’ and it’s not working well!”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I was just killing Applejack in the heat of the moment- WAIT, IT SOUNDED BETTER IN MY HEAD!”



Who am I kidding? Of COURSE it was what it looked like, I KILLED Applejack!



Sigma: [Rainbow] “Now I’ll NEVER be able to eat my delicious breakfast cereal!”

Crazy56U: There’s always Froot Loops, though…

Topher: Not eating Trix. Get on my level you fucking pleb.

Crazy56U: Different cereal, mate.

Dark Angel: Silly Tropher. Trix are for kids.

Crazy56U: You just don’t learn, do you? (shoves Froot Loops box down your throat)



Me, Rainbow dash, the element of Loyalty, betrayed and killed my friend in cold blood!



NaturalGlitch: And all her wounds seem to have healed.

Scarlet: I mostly can’t get over the fact that I just read the entire thing in Dio’s voice. “And the killer was ME, Rainbow Dash!”

SC276: OK, I seriously need to start watching Jojo at this point.

Crazy56U: You ain’t the only one...

Topher: Actually, what you did was the opposite of cold blooded murder.

Dark Angel: Actually, Applejack wasn’t bleeding at all. All of the blood on her was actually Just Rainbow’s as she was the one bleeding to death.



“Oh no, I’m a monster!” I whispered. My friends played pranks and broke my wings of course,



NaturalGlitch: Why aren’t you at the hospital?!

Scarlet: Because she was too tired to fly or walk there, but feeling alright enough to commit some Sweet Apple Murders.

Topher: Kill a few more and we’ll have a sweet apple massacre! Enjoy your flashbacks, everyone!

Sigma: That fic is pretty tame, honestly.

Crazy56U: Well, I refuse to read it, so I’ll take your word for it.

Dark Angel: (holding a Sweet Apple Massacre sign) DAMNIT Topher! You beat me to that joke too!



but NONE of them deliberately tried to kill me! But I DID! I heard Applebloom tell Big mac and Ganny Smith what happened,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “My ears could detach from me at will to help me with reconnaissance, so they snuck towards the apple family, that way I could hear what they were saying.”

Sigma: Good thing Apple Bloom isn’t telling Big Mac and Granny Smith! Then she might ACTUALLY be in trouble with AJ’s family!

Crazy56U: Thankfully, they weren’t paying attention to her. She tried convincing them that Rainbow killed Applejack last week as an attempt to get a cutie mark in lying...



so I ran away



Crazy56U: So far away...



before they could catch me. And I ran home,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It sure is a great thing I tied down my cloud home to the ground.”

Scarlet: And that her hoof isn’t leaving a massive blood trail to lead the inevitable police pursuit right… back… um, you’re gonna need a lawyer.

Dark Angel: Someone call Phoenix Wright.

Topher: Ponyville police follows POSTAL 2 police logic. Unless a cop is looking right at you when you do it, It’s fine.

Sigma: …why am I reminded of Skyrim by that?

Crazy56U: Because it’s like this fan fic? You know… shit!



hoping that they wouldn’t come looking for me, but even if they did, they can’t walk on clouds, so I am MOSTLY safe.



NaturalGlitch: ...your wing is broken.

SC276: Aaaaaand we just took a left turn into whatever-the-fuck-the-author-wants-is-what-will-happenville.

Sigma: It’s easier if you just call it Bullshitville.

Crazy56U: Or Fox News Land.



It was night yet again, and now, instead of nightmares of my friends treating me like dirt, I dreamed about me killing all of my friends!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It sure is a great thing I don’t have friends that can use magic to walk on clouds, teleport, or even write to Princess Celestia about what I did. Phew!”

Crazy56U: And it’s also a very good thing that you don’t know an alicorn that can enter ponies’ dreams! Otherwise, you just implicated yourself with that nightmare!



I couldn’t believe it, but after killing Applejack, I was unsure. Now I drifted deeper into insanity.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “But I was sane enough to know I was slipping, so I wasn’t that crazy.”

Scarlet: Actual Hinamizawa syndrome- averted. Now we’re back in stupidland.

SC276: Saves us having to deal with time travel, so I’ll take it.

Scarlet: Spoilers!

SC276: It’s a When They Cry game! Time travel’s basically a given!

Crazy56U: Now, if only I played Eternal Darkness, then I could make a joke here...



What was originally a nightmare turned into a thought, a reality, and now, I had to stay secluded. I was trapped in an insane asylum where my mind was completely lost,



NaturalGlitch: Where’s Luna? I guess her and Princess Celestia are handling King Sombra after he found the Alicorn Amulet.

Sigma: Plot twist - she really IS in an insane asylum and this is all her imagination!

Crazy56U: So, this is actually a crossover with “Asylum” then?

Dark Angel: Plot twist - It’s not Rainbow Dash who’s in an insane asylum. It is us who are in an insane asylum. The fanfic that we think we’re reading doesn’t even exist. It’s just a creation of our own minds from going insane from all of the shitty fics we’ve riffed! In fact the Rainbow Factory isn’t even a place, it’s a state of mind! In order for someone to manage to escape and stop the death and destruction that the Rainbow Factory causes, you have to kill and destroy! And thus the death and destruction is passed on! IT’S A NEVER ENDING VICIOUS CYCLE!

Scarlet: Chill. It’s just a murderous impulse. They pass.



I was groaning and wheezing, and saying consistently, “I will kill them, I will kill them, I will kill them!”



Sigma: Well, at least THAT’S consistent, unlike OTHER parts of this fic.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”



Then I screamed and then woke up.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Time to change the bed sheets...again.”

Topher: Then I noticed I was thirsty. Then I got out of bed. Then I got a glass of water then I went back to bed.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Huh, I feel great! ...I’m gonna go kill the others!”



It was still night, but I couldn’t sleep, so I went downstairs and fixed myself a midnight snack.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “That’s when ninjas attacked me! Again!”

Scarlet: Well, based on previous trends, she’ll lose her tail this time. And possibly an ear.

Sigma: So when does she lose her virginity?

Crazy56U: Plot Twist: She lost it during “Fall Weather Friends”.

NaturalGlitch: (vomits everything he has ever eaten)

Crazy56U: ...you’re cleaning that up, you know...



I made an apple pie which brought me to tears as it reminded me of Applejack, the friend I killed.



Waterpear: It’s sort of like cannibalism.

SC276: Baking a pie takes a while. Were you crying for the entire… *looks up apple pie recipe* ...hour and a half?

Sigma: [Rainbow] “By ‘made’ I mean bought from Pinkie, who I proceeded to back away from while hissing.”

Crazy56U: Actually, Rainbow had stolen a pie from Sweet Apple Acres last week, so she just needed to warm it in the microwave.



As I ate the pie, I felt nothing but regret; regret that I ever killed my friend.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Maybe if I pretend to be Applejack, nopony would ever know!”

Scarlet: “Dammit Pinkie! We told you to serve her humble pie! Not soul-crushing regret!’

Topher: “And also regret for all those empty calories.”

Crazy56U: Well, then why did you make an apple pie? You could’ve made a blueberry

one!



My mane was all over the place,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “On the couch, on the ceiling, in my teeth...”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “In the candle, in the flames, in the crumbling ashes of my house...”

Dark Angel: I’m keeping a piece of her mane as a pet… (spills brain bleach on himself) (shudders) I’m okay, I’m okay!

Topher: Seriously dude? Use a funnel like a civilized person! You got some on me, and now I don’t remember how to breathe. (falls over)

Crazy56U: (pokes Topher with a stick) ...you okay, buddy? (keeps poking)

Dark Angel: If he is okay, would that actually stop you from poking him?

Crazy56U: (is now jabbing Topher) Depends if he actually gets up or not...



it was messier than anything I have ever seen. Turns out, I had blood in my mane, and it was a horrible sight.



NaturalGlitch: Not that it can be easily seen in your mane, since a part of it is red.

Scarlet: I’ve actually had to wash blood off a rainbow-patterned fabric. There is not nearly enough red to disguise it all.

Crazy56U: Eh, I’ve seen American Psycho, it’s not that horrible.



Apparently, applejack’s blood was actually spilled when I strangled her to death.



SC276: How the everloving hell did that happen?

NaturalGlitch: Turns out Applejack made her pies with literal blood, sweat and tears!

Sigma: So she stole this pie from AJ while she strangled her?

Crazy56U: Unless you manage to tear open Applejack’s throat while strangling her, I doubt that’s what happened...



And now, I went out again to get some fresh air. The insanity I suffered was luckily just temporary at THAT time.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I waited until my magicka regenerated, then used my Heal All spell.”

Crazy56U: Little does Rainbow know that she’s still insane: she’s hallucinating going outside.



So I went to visit Rarity.



SC276: In the middle of the night? Rarity is the kind to value her beauty sleep. There’s no way she’s open right now.

Crazy56U: Oh, dear, Rarity’s next to go!



Just to let out steam. But it was nowhere near letting out steam.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Turns out I let out some seams; I guess the dress really was too tight for me.”

SC276: No, it’s because she’s running on diesel.

Sigma: That’s what she gets for not being PC Master Race.

Crazy56U: Man, Ponyville must have a shitty Internet connection if she can’t open Steam...



I walked into her boutique and said, “Hey Rarity, how are you?” Thankfully, she hadn’t heard about Applejack,



SC276: Yeah, a murder happened in one of the biggest businesses in the town, and there was a witness. Who immediately told others. There is no way in fucking hell that Rarity doesn’t know everything about it.

Crazy56U: Shhhhh. Let her pretend.



so she said. “I am just fine darling; I was just making a dress for Applejack.”



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “It’s made from a special kind of slick that wicks away any kind of dirt; perfect for working hard and showing the world your inner beauty at the same time!”

Scarlet: “Hi Rainbow, come in, I was just putting together some crushing irony.”

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “It’s a good thing she’s still alive, so that she can appreciate this! I’m sorry, Rainbow, did you need something?”



“What?” I asked.

“I am making a dress for Applejack's big appearance at the Appaloosa state fair. Doesn’t it just scream ‘Southern’?”



NaturalGlitch: The words “Southern” were stitched on the front of the dress in bold letters. [Rarity] “A little too obvious?”

Topher: [Rainbow] “I’m not sure she’ll appreciate the words ‘GO DOWN SOUTH’ Written on her flank.”

Crazy56U: I don’t know, I don’t see a Confederate flag anywhere on it...



“Uh, yeah, of course.”

“Is something on your mind darling?”



Waterpear: In this realm of madness, it’s good to know that Rarity still says “darling”.

SC276: And apparently nothing else.

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Rainbow, did you kill Applejack? Because it looks like you killed

Applejack.”



“What NO, No, um… No I’m fine.”

“Well, at least you’re okay.”



Sigma: She has a hole in a hoof and wounds all over her body apparently, she has a BROKEN WING, and she’s probably mentally unstable. ...Yeah, she’s fine.

Crazy56U: She’s had worse days…

Dark Angel: At least she doesn’t have to riff a shitty prequel story to Rainbow Factory.



Um…”



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “...my wing is broken.” [Rarity] “Oh dear! Wait—why aren’t you at the hospital right now?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Do you have any of Fluttershy’s brownies left? I need them for… ...no real reason…”

Dark Angel: Actually, I think I could use a few of those brownies myself.



“Anyway, this dress is sure to give her a great charm at the fair, it’ll be…” A knock on the door cuts her off.



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Was I decapitated by door knocking again? Goodness gracious me.”

SC276: Who keeps letting the tense out of the cage? You know that’s the only thing keeping it from changing repeatedly!

Crazy56U: “OPEN UP, IT’S THE PLOT!”

Sigma: This fic has a plot?

Dark Angel: [Rarity] “A plot? Rainbow, did you order us some strippers? Because it you did, then this will end up being a short show.”

NaturalGlitch: (vomits everything he will eat; it’s future vomit)

Crazy56U: ...okay, that’s confusing…

Dark Angel: Yeah, well so is this fic.



Rarity went to open the door to reveal a weeping Twilight. Rarity said, “Twilight, what brings you here darling? I was just making a dress for Applejack.”



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “She’ll just die when she sees it!”

Crazy56U: (ba-dum-tish)



She noticed Twilight’s tears and asked, “What is it Darling?”



SC276: OK, that’s like five “darlings” in the span of a minute, and that’s with some generous rounding.

Crazy56U: Rarity’s drunk. She calls everyone ‘Darling’ while drunk.

NaturalGlitch: Drunk off what? Salt cubes and sugar water?

Crazy56U: Wine. Duh.

NaturalGlitch: I thought Rarity binges on Ice Cream. I must've missed an episode.

Crazy56U: I was making a joke, you chucklefuck.

NaturalGlitch: Are jokes like using my ovipositors to lay eggs? I totally am not an alien trying to conquer the world, by the way. Nope.

Crazy56U: ...you had one of Fluttershy’s brownies, didn’t you...



Then Twilight replied with a trembling voice,



Sigma: [Twilight] “They’re making an Equestria Girls 3!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I just found out what this story is supposed to be a prequel to…”

NaturalGlitch: You make that sound like a bad thing, Sigma.



“Applejack is dead!”



Waterpear: God is dead. This fic killed him.

Sigma: What are you talking about? I’m right here.

SC276: You’re the Alpha and the Omega. That’s a different thing.

Crazy56U: All I choose to get out of this is that Sigma’s next to die by Rainbow’s hooves.

Dark Angel: (points to Sigma) Sic ‘em, Dash! Sic ‘em!



And at that moment, Silence hit the room for about five minutes,



NaturalGlitch: [Silence] “Let’s get this party started!”

Topher: Unfortunately, Silence perished the moment the music started.

Crazy56U: Goody, another corpse for the pile.

Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “It needs to be about 20% more silent.”



and then Rarity started to cry, “Whatever do you mean darling, she isn’t really dead is she?”



Scarlet: “We couldn’t, say, puppet her body around on a stage for an hour or so with this new dress on it? I did spend all weekend…”

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Only if I get to do the voices.”

SC276: It took you five minutes to think of that question?

Crazy56U: Well, it took one, really. The other four were spent thinking of how to

redesign Applejack’s dress so she could be buried in it.



Then Twilight said, “She is…” She sniffed, “Her funeral is at Sweet Apple Acres at 4:00 pm.”



Scarlet: Arranged within less than twenty-four hours of her murder, with full police approval. God of Shenanigans, thy works are many and great.

Crazy56U: Who said the police were involved? In this world, the police are more than likely a myth.



I could do nothing but stay silent, while obviously struggling to keep myself from saying that I killed her.



Scarlet: Because there weren’t. You know. Witnesses. Or a blood trail. Or- why haven’t you started to suspect this whole scenario, again?

SC276: Apple Bloom saw Rainbow kill her, and Rainbow did nothing to silence her. She should be getting hauled away right now!

Crazy56U: Again, I theorize that Big Mac and Granny Smith refused to listen to her. And, by extension, no one else listened to her.

SC276: ...Crazy, that would actually make sense.

Crazy56U: ...fuck, I’m sorry, I had no idea...



The tears were unbearable, I could see just how depressed Twilight and Rarity were,



NaturalGlitch: So… Apple Bloom saw Rainbow kill Applejack, told her family, and now Twilight knows they’re holding a funeral... Why isn’t Twilight at least questioning Rainbow?

Crazy56U: Because Rainbow doesn’t look the slightest guilty, duh!



their tears were flowing from their eyes like a waterfall, quickly hitting the lowest possible point it could hit, practically flooding the room with salty water from the eyes of the two friends I majorly disappointed.



Scarlet: “Rainbow, we are just, like, extremely disappointed to hear that you strangled Applejack until blood started leaking from her body into your mane. Also, how the shit did you manage that.”

NaturalGlitch: Their tears even made a little river they could swim in.

SC276: (puts on a captain's hat and gets in a dinghy)

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “(sniff) Rainbow, I just mopped here. Could you not?”



It just happened to be 3:55 pm,



Topher: Check ‘em.

Crazy56U: Wait, I thought it was still the middle of the night?

Dark Angel: It was. But Rainbow Dash got in contact with Doctor Whooves before visiting Rarity.



so the funeral began in 5 minutes.



Waterpear: [Pinkie] Oh, it’s only Applejack’s funeral. Let’s get this over with so we can party!

SC276: It was the middle of the night like ten minutes ago!! Even then, Twilight is the master of scheduling; she would never give anyone five minutes notice to a funeral!

Crazy56U: What is it with the riffs I take part in where time is as consistent as tapioca?!



When the funeral started, everypony was saying kind words about how much of a good friend Applejack was.



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Her hat (HONK!) was so cute on her (HONK!) head, and now nopony can ever (HONK! HONK!) fill her hat up like she could!”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Pinkie, would you fuck off with the bike horn?”



Pinkie Pie talked about how she always baked with her at the farm, Fluttershy didn’t even get on stage to say anything,



Waterpear: But you just said “everypony.” FLUTTERSHY IS A CHANGELING.

NaturalGlitch: Changelings!~



Crazy56U: ...o-or, you know… ...she was too depressed to say anything...



Twilight talked about pretty much everything we loved about Applejack, and Rarity just had a dramatic breakdown after mentioning that she had a dress planned for Applejack's honorable trip to Appaloosa.



Dark Angel: We all know Rarity had a dramatic breakdown. But what was her reaction when she was talking about Applejack?

Scarlet: And the accompanying corset for her planned and rather dishonorable trip to the local kink fest.

NaturalGlitch; [Rarity] “Sure it would’ve crushed her ribs, but it was the very same corset I showed Twilight when she first arrived in Ponyville.” (HONK!)

Sigma: Rarity is a goose, headcanon confirmed.

SC276: “Honorable?” No disrespect to the Apples or anything, but she’s a cowboy, not Japanese.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “God DAMN IT Rarity, I just got done telling off Pinkie for using that bike horn!”



And then she asked, “Rainbow dash; have you anything to say about our good friend? Come up and say…”



Scarlet: “I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT-” “Dash, everyone knows it was you. We were looking for a eulogy.” “Oooohhhhhhh.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Your confession. We all know you did it, so just say it already.”



Her sentence was cut off by her breathing deeply and then she continued, “A few kind words about our dearest partner.”



Scarlet: ...Twijack confirmed?

NaturalGlitch: Like we needed another sparkly vampire book.

Sigma: Those aren’t vampires, those are fairies.

Crazy56U: Huh, didn’t know the Mane 6 founded a business together...



When she said this, I felt so overwhelmed with guilt,



Dark Angel: It was probably just gas.

Crazy56U: ...I hope that means she burped...



I ran away from the funeral, with nothing to say but, “I’M SORRY!” Then I disappeared from their sight.



Scarlet: Fortunately, even with her wings broken Rainbow Dash has mastered the art of the teleport.

Crazy56U: Yeah, but, unfortunately-



I was now at home again, where Twilight Sparkle just happened to visit me.



Crazy56U: So has Twilight.



She asked me, “Rainbow dash, do you know what happened to… Applejack?”



NaturalGlitch: Did the Apple family keep it a secret?! How do you not know?!

SC276: For fuck’s sake, someone died! This isn’t America; people are going to care!

Crazy56U: Hey now, not everyone in America is like that. It’s just the assholeish portion that doesn’t care…

Topher: The combination of sensationalist media, violent video games, and deep fried cheesy butter has lead to me being completely desensitized to death! watch! (shoots scarlet in the head) See? That’ guy’s dead, there’s blood everywhere, and I feel nothing.*cough* except the hunger for more *cough* WHO SAID THAT?

Scarlet: Ow. Warn me next time you’re going to shoot me fatally!

Dark Angel: Well, if you were warned, then it wouldn’t be a random killing…how are you still alive?

Scarlet: Because I’m a witch.

Crazy56U: Hmm... (dumps bucket of water on Scarlet)



Then Twilight breathed in deeply.



Crazy56U: [Twilight] (mentally) iknowyoudiditconfess, iknowyoudiditconfess,

iknowyoudidit-



I was now overcome with my conscience and I admitted, “I Killed her!”



Sigma: [Twilight] “Literally or in the ‘Darth Vader killed your father’ way?”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “FINALLY! I was getting sick of waiting for you to admit it!”



Then I covered my face with m hooves. Twilight said, “What!?” She was now welling up in tears, “You killed her?”



Scarlet: “Seriously? I mean it was so obvious it was you I actually thought to myself that you couldn’t possibly have been that stupid and that it had to be a frame job!”

Crazy56U: I’m actually astounded that Twilight asked that...



“Yes, I did.”

“But, but…. But WHY!? Why would you do this!?”



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Because of the stuff—and the thing.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “This is a shitty story, Twilight! That’s why!”



“She said I deserved what happened to my wing because of her, that I ‘Needed’ To be ‘Grounded’ for my ‘Behavior’, but I didn’t! She had NO RIGHT to just BREAK MY WING like that!”



Scarlet: “So you killed her for acting incredibly out of character?” “EXACTLY!”

NaturalGlitch: Go. To. A. Hospital!

Crazy56U: Gee, it’s almost like having Rainbow’s wings get broken was a stupid idea...



“Well apparently, she did. Why don’t you just take the body and get rid of it? You’ve already taken away our friendship, how is taking Applejack’s body any different!?”



Scarlet: Um. Did Twilight just implicitly tell Rainbow to just go trash the evidence?

NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Why don’t you grind Applejack up into pies and serve them to her family?! Huh?!”

Sigma: Ooh, Titus Andronicus, Ponyville Edition!

Crazy56U: What Twilight doesn’t know is that Rainbow put Applejack’s corpse under her bed.



Then she stomped away. I knew at this point that I needed some way to atone for my sin of murder, so I decided to build a facility that would take Applejack’s dead body, and make it great.



Waterpear: Instead of going to jail, Rainbow Dash builds a factory. Looks like murder is legal in Equestria.

NaturalGlitch: Not even going to send her to Tartarus, huh?

SC276: Wait, if there was a funeral, shouldn’t her body have been buried?

Sigma: ...Seriously. This is really going that way.

Dark Angel: Does that really surprise you?

Crazy56U: ...that’s how the Rainbow Factory came to be? ...then, how is this story not over yet?



I didn’t know how to do that though, but then I realized that there was a major shortage in Rainbows, so I thought of a way to make them, artificially.



NaturalGlitch: But… that was already a thing in the very first season!

Crazy56U: Plotholes haven’t stopped the author before, why would they now?

RJ: Rainbow Dash, the Heisenberg of Cloudsdale.



And with that thought, a great Factory was to be made.



Scarlet: Okay, fair warning to all who tread beyond this point: This is the bit where the story descends from a mere rating of “terrible” into “ludicrously and amazingly insane.” I’m not sure anything I can riff will be one-tenth as funny as the following words are all on their own.

SC276: This fic trashed all logic out the window within the last page or so. How could it possibly get worse?

Sigma: With a little thing called effort.

Crazy56U: After enduring Spike’s monologue from that Creepypasta, I doubt what follows will be worse for me…

Dark Angel: You mean this fic gets worse?! How is that even bucking possible?! I already lost my cool once!

NaturalGlitch: You can say the word “fucking” instead of “bucking.” It’s OK. We’re here for you.

Dark Angel: I know. I just hate doing the obvious.



I had to think of the design, the blueprints for the exterior and the floor plan for the interior.



NaturalGlitch: Why aren’t you in jail?

SC276: That what I want to know!

Crazy56U: Rainbow faked her death and is doing this in secret.



I was going to make the best factory there ever was. I hired a few spare Pegasi to help me build it,



Scarlet: “Hey, Cloud Kicker, wanna help me atone for murdering my best friend and also help me hide the body?” “Sure, but only if there’s banging involved.”

NaturalGlitch: ...can Cloud Kicker be grinded into rainbows? Please?

SC276: Let’s grind the fic into rainbows.

Crazy56U: Hey, now, say what you want about the “Winning Pony” series, you have to admit they are at least better than this fic…

SC276: ...I was talking about this fic.

Crazy56U: ...and that disproves my point how exactly?

Dark Angel: And besides, if you tried to grind this fic into rainbows, All you’d get is shit.



but I was going to make it a surprise, so all who knew of the factory were sworn to secrecy lest death take them.



Scarlet: Death, as we all know, is a terrible gossip.

Sigma: Especially to Binky. He thinks horse can tell no secrets, but oh did he learn his lesson.

Crazy56U: I want to ask what you’re referring to… but I don’t think I want to know…

Scarlet: A great man’s passing, Crazy. A great man’s passing. Also, the next Pratchett referencer in relation to this fic will be shot on sight.

Topher: … (dejectedly puts away prop scythe)



I was up every day and every night,



NaturalGlitch: Still with a broken wing, I bet.

Crazy56U: By this point, I’m willing to bet that the author forgot about that…

Dark Angel: Hell, the author forgot what the actual history of the Rainbow Factory really is.



just trying to build a fantastic facility, which was going to be able to make Rainbows artificially.



Scarlet: But this was only phase one of my plan. Phase two required rewiring Applejack into my cyborg minion. And from there, phase three- the ultimate pranking revenge!

SC276: So, if grinding ponies into Spectra is the artificial way - which I really don’t think it actually is by the original fic - what’s the natural way? Keep in mind we’re talking about Equestria, where the ponies need a massive race to make leaves fall off the trees in autumn.

Sigma: The closest there is to a natural way is by filtering pegasus piss through a salsa batter, a prism, and a package of water balloons, all of which are found naturally in clouds.

Crazy56U: Huh, interesting. Excuse me for a second. (pukes onto the floor)

Dark Angel: In other… (steps over puddle of puke) …in other words, channeling the spirit of Macgyver.



The design was perfect! The idea was Amazing,



NaturalGlitch: [Amazing] “Despite my name, I’m not that great.”

Crazy56U: Well, amazing in concept, anyway…

Dark Angel: The idea was amazing… but then it was shit on by this shameful attempted at a prequel.



and the whole plan was just the right thing to do.



NaturalGlitch: To turn yourself in for your crimes?

Crazy56U: Again, in concept.



I designed the factory to shoot out the colors of the Rainbow using the blood of Applejack



Dark Angel: Something about the way that’s worded doesn’t sit right with me for some reason.

Crazy56U: Uh, I doubt Applejack would still have blood at this point...



to create the liquid which became the Rainbow that was launched out.



Scarlet: I have seen thy face, oh God of Shenanigans, and it is here in these words. I am humbled by thy presence.

SC276: I’m pretty sure I have a better memory of the original Rainbow Factory than this author.

Sigma: Shhh, no, this is funny. Let it go on.

Crazy56U: ...that’s not how blood works...



I was building for Days, months, YEARS even, just trying to make sure that everything was PERFECT!



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Should the break room be over there or over there? Hmm...”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Hmm… Should the carpeting be blue, or green…”

Dark Angel: [Worker] “Well, this is a Rainbow Factory. So why not have the carpeting rainbow colored?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “(shoots Worker) Hmm... blue... or green...”



I kept working and working with the help of others to design a factory so devious that it couldn’t possibly be flawed.



Scarlet: “Mayor Mare, wanna subsidize my construction of a factory that creates rainbows out of the blood of my murder victim’s corpse?” “Well, the local job market has been stagnant…”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Thanks again for helping me out, by the way.”

[Twilight] “Remind me again why I haven’t had you arrested, yet?”

Dark Angel: [Police officer #1] “Wasn’t there a murder a while back?”

[Police officer #2] “Yeah, what about it?”

[Police officer #1] “Why have we never arrested the murderer?”

Crazy56U: [Police officer #2] “I thought it was because we stopped caring?”



But the factory took forever to build,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “A whole week!”

Crazy56U: Two whole minutes, that’s a long time...



the days became months, months became years, and years became Decades.



Scarlet: Which, sadly, became the base breaker of Kamen Rider fandom. And I just lost every single reader with that one.

Sigma: ...I feel sad for still keeping with you on that one.

NaturalGlitch: (head deflates)

SC276: I’m pretty sure Scootaloo was still a filly in the original story. After decades, she’s probably gotten married and started a family by now.

Sigma: Yeah, fair point. Wait, if this uses AJ’s blood, and it’s been decades… What blood’s gonna be left?

Crazy56U: I guess Rainbow managed to bullshit a way to have her corpse keep pumping blood...



And after YEARS of hard work and determination, I finally finished it, The Rainbow Factory!



Scarlet: “I wanted to call it the Fountain of Technicolor Blood Awesomeness, but my lawyers talked me out of it.”

NaturalGlitch: “I decided that would be my band name instead.”

Crazy56U: (blows a noisemaker half-heartedly)



It was a beautiful, yet HUMONGOUS building that had more machines than any other you’ve ever known!



Scarlet: “I counted every single one AND read your mind so I could confirm it!”

Crazy56U: Is that so? Well, here, have a gold star!



The building was in the sky right below the Weather Factory, in fact, it was PART of the weather Factory.



Scarlet: “Hey Weather Factory owners, wanna help me convert a corpse into magical glowing liquid?” “What’s it going to cost us?” “All the money.” “WE’RE IN!”

Crazy56U: That… makes way too much sense...



It was over 20,000 Feet high with Exhaust pipes that were sticking out of the roof, and they were eventually going to be letting out steam and smoke that would otherwise cause the place to overheat.



NaturalGlitch: Oh goody, I was hoping you would describe it!

SC276: Wait, if the Rainbow Factory is below the Weather Factory, and the exhaust is going out through the roof, that means they’re… pumping exhaust into the rest of the Weather Factory. ...Suppose they have to get that initial Spectra from somewhere…

Dark Angel: I’m so glad I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Crazy56U: I feel ripped off, I was told that this part was funny...



The building was also 40,000 feet in width and yet had a dark and fearsome atmosphere.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “It was spooky because I told you it was. BOO!”

Topher: OH GOD I’M SO SPOOPED!

Sigma: So is this a Warhammer crossover now?

Crazy56U: (yawn) Ah, yes, definitely spoopy. (yawn) ...definitely spoop- (falls asleep)



It was amazing; this factory was going to be working for eons to come.



Scarlet: Famous last words checklist, please!

Topher: Ugh, FINE!

NaturalGlitch: Why is there the word “Duck!” written on here? What was that noise—

Crazy56U: (wakes up) Because Rainbow is now the God of Engineering.



It was entirely made out of steel that was nearly impossible to break, and ladders were not available, for the factory was made for Pegasi.



Scarlet: Damn it! Rainbow, I told you all last time! The only good racism is that applied to perverse, foul-mouthed, lazy griffins!

NaturalGlitch: Yeah! ...where are the perverse, foul-mouthed and lazy griffons? Are they behind the shadow ponies?

Crazy56U: ...but, what if the Pegasi are unable to fly?

Dark Angel: *cough*Scootaloo*cough*. I must be coming down with something.



I was overcome with joy and excitement, I was filled with such pride and confidence, I could hardly keep it in.



NaturalGlitch: Cleanup on aisle three!

Crazy56U: And then Rainbow exploded. The End.



This was the most Awesome design in the history of factories, it still fills me with pride today.



NaturalGlitch: [Awesome, blushing] Aww, gee... Well, I couldn’t have done it without my sister—Sauce!

Crazy56U: (falls back asleep)



And NOW it was time for the final touch.



Dark Angel: …Giggidy…

Scarlet: Lightning bolts painted on literally every surface. In six colors. With glow-in-the-dark-paint.

Crazy56U: (wakes up) Glow-in-the-dark? You mad man...



I went to the graveyard where applejack’s body was buried.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Unfortunately, I forgot this was a cursed graveyard and I had to fight off all the zombies first.”

Crazy56U: Wait, when you started building the fucking factory, you didn’t get Applejack’s corpse right away?!



I found her grave which read “Applejack, the most incredible and honest pony in all of Equestria, and loving granddaughter of Granny Smith and amazing sister of Applebloom and Big Macintosh.”



Scarlet: They got that all engraved within less than twenty-four hours?

NaturalGlitch: What about Apple Bloom?

SC276: Has the author ever seen an actual gravestrone?

Sigma: Seriously, if the rainbows use blood, AJ’s gonna have none left at this point. Am I wrong, or do corpses not maintain it for that long?

Crazy56U: At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Rainbow never thought of that.

Topher: Not a bad epitaph, but I want mine to include multiple uses of the phrase “Sexual Tyrannosaur.”

Crazy56U: Mine’s gonna say “So long, suckers!”...



Here, I stared at the grave, for hours, weeping, and crying about how I lost… no… killed her.



Scarlet: The police just kind of decided she was too stupid to even bother arresting.

Dark Angel: I’d honestly believe that.

NaturalGlitch: It didn’t even sound like crying anymore; Rainbow sounded like a truck downshifting on the highway.

SC276: “Here lies Rainbow’s hopes and dreams.” What a baby.

Crazy56U: Wait, did you honestly forget that you murdered Applejack?



Then I said, “You know AJ, you were really somepony weren’t you, a great friend, honest, dependable, and more loyal than I’ll ever be again.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Except that I’m the embodiment of loyalty, and you’re dead.”

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “RD, I’ve come back from the dead to tell you to shove it.”

Dark Angel: I’d believe that, considering how much of a bitch Rainbow Dash was being.



I killed you for no real reason,



Scarlet: “Other than the fact that you literally took the sky from me out of petty revenge for some perceived arrogance on my part and yeah on second thought, fuck you.”

SC276: “Didn’t you ever watch Firefly? You can’t take the sky from me, bitch!”

Sigma: I feel like the author isn’t even remembering their OWN story at this point. Jesus Christ.

Crazy56U: Not surprising, honestly.



but now, hehe, now you’re gone, but I am going to take your dead body, and I will make a rainbow in your honor!



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “I’m trying to feed the worms here—do you mind?”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “After all, it’s been like, what, a year? Your corpse is still as fresh as the day I killed ya!”

Topher: [Rainbow] “Do you moisturize?”



I promise you, it will be the most vivid Rainbow ever seen!!”



Scarlet: “Like, seriously! Spontaneous pride parades in two countries over-level vivid!”

SC276: You are literally talking to a dead pony.

Crazy56U: ...you just now realized this?



And with that, I dug down to her coffin and opened it.



NaturalGlitch: How did you not pass out from the smell?

Crazy56U: However, it turns out the coffin was empty. Someone beat Rainbow to the punch...



But what I saw shocked me. Her Color was COMPLETELY gone!



Scarlet: “She’d been Discorded the whole time!”

Sigma: [Rainbow] “Suddenly, I knew that I never killed AJ… I killed GRAY-J!”

Crazy56U: Oh shit! CORPSES ROT!



I was horrified and despaired at the fact that I could now no longer make that rainbow in her honor.



Waterpear: Oh, Applejack. Even in death, you don’t contribute anything to the story.

Crazy56U: Applejack is probably laughing at her from beyond the grave right now...



“NOOOOOOO!!!!!” I shouted. “Darn IT!” How could I forget about Spectrum!



Scarlet: Guys I know this is the internet, but please stop ascribing all unpleasantness in the behavior of others to autism.

NaturalGlitch: [Spectrum] “Don’t worry about me. (sniff) I’m used to it...”

Topher: [Rainbow] “Could be worse. Could be raining.” *Torrential Downpour* “DAMMIT CLOUD KICKER!”

SC276: It’s called Spectra! SPECTRA! For fuck’s sake, author!

Crazy56U: I think it’s more important to ask how you forgot how corpses work…

Dark Angel: Her memory isn’t that great and she spent decades working on the Rainbow Factory.



I buried the coffin but took the body to Twilight’s now rebuilt library.



NaturalGlitch: ...wait—what? Did this seriously take place in the middle of the last episode of season four?! Or did I miss that part in the fic?

SC276: What is with people being unable to accept changes in the status quo?

Sigma: I have no fucking idea. Continuity may as well not exist here.

Crazy56U: Meanwhile, Twilight gave up giving a shit about Rainbow killing Applejack, and decided to just ignore her.

Topher: Next time, let’s riff the spin-off fic about how Rainbow smuggled AJs corpse around my pretending it was alive! “Weekend at AJ’s!”



I found a book about how a ponies color is there. It said, “Spectrum, the colorful liquid in a ponies pumping and beating blood flow



Scarlet: Okay, my mistake, it’s just Magic Bullshit.

NaturalGlitch: I guess this Rainbow really didn’t pay attention in class at all.

SC276: And the author didn’t pay attention to the original fic.

Dark Angel: Are you just now realizing that?

Crazy56U: Are we sure Rainbow didn’t just pick up a fantasy book by mistake?



as they are alive, to spread their color throughout their bodies thereby giving a colorful glow to that pony. Unicorn, Earth pony, Pegasus, or Alicorn, they all have Spectrum in their living blood.”



Scarlet: So literally the entirety of ponykind are sentient glow sticks which haven’t yet been snapped?

Topher: SO that’s why Rainbow started glowing after she fell down the stairs!

NaturalGlitch: What about Crystal ponies, Mere-ponies, Umbrums or the Thestrals, huh?

Crazy56U: Literally the entirety of ponykind, Glitch. Stop asking stupid questions.

Dark Angel: Telling Glitch to stop asking stupid questions is like telling a pegasus not to fly. You can’t just tell them, you have to break her wings so that Rainbow will stay grounded, even though her stabbed hoof should make it difficult to walk…wait…



“Ugh, IDIOT! Of COURSE!!! A pony’s spectrum only flows when they are alive. Now that applejack was dead for 13 years,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “And I still haven’t gone to the hospital for my broken wing!”

SC276: That’s not “decades,” author!

Sigma: Your first mistake, SC, is expecting continuity.

Crazy56U: Space is warped, and time is bendable.



her Spectrum no longer exists in her body! I’m SO STUPID!!!!” I shouted to myself.



Topher: Yes.

Scarlet: Rainbow then began a targeted campaign of revenge against herself for calling herself a stupid failure.

SC276: Actually, if Spectra is anything like carbon-14 but with a much shorter half-life, there’s probably still a small amount left.

Crazy56U: Well, at least she admits it.



I knew about this, but it slipped my mind, and now it is too late. That is when I came to an evil realization. “It has to be LIVE ponies, not dead ones. IT HAS TO BE LIVING PONIES!



NaturalGlitch: So… why is there a shortage of rainbows again? Why do they need another factory to make them out of ponies? Why.... why… why… why...?

SC276: Or the just recently dead ones. You only know it’s all gone after thirteen years, you don’t know how much corpses have left after, say, a week. Just buy them off the morgue!

Crazy56U: And so, the author manages to fix one plot hole out of the 2000 they created.



Then live ponies I shall get!” And with that, my conscience left me, and I was corrupted;



NaturalGlitch: What—does she have some kind of meter she can read or something?

SC276: “TOTAL CORRUPTION.”

Sigma: Dark Dashus confirmed for Smash Bros.

Crazy56U: Oh sure, make Dark Dashus a fighter and not Waluigi? Is there any fucking justice in the world?!

Topher: KING K ROOL 2016!



focused on only 2 things, Teaching Scootaloo how to fly so she won’t come here, and using live ponies’ blood to make artificial Rainbows.



Waterpear: Or...you could just not do this and remove any risk of having to kill Scootaloo.

Topher: Because she already had the testing system prepped and ready to go before she even considered that using live ponies might be an option.

Sigma: ...Wait, if she didn’t know she’d need live ponies and not dead ones, how would she even know it would work?

Crazy56U: Because shut up.



And so the bloodshed began.



NaturalGlitch: “—tomorrow.”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, Slayer.



I went on a hunt, for living ponies. I decided that I would get as many as possible to make the rainbows, so now, my workers went out and got some, and then I went to get my own.



Scarlet: “Hey, Cloud Kicker, new plan. We’re just gonna murder the shit out of some ponies so we can make pretty rainbows.” “Just so we’re clear- there will be banging first, right?”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “The only banging you’ll hear is me ramming your stupid head into the machine first. Now get moving!”

Crazy56U: I’d like to think Flash Sentry was the first to go...

NaturalGlitch: What, did he wreck your OTP?

Crazy56U: Nah, I just don’t like him. (shrug)

Scarlet: Code for “wrecked my OTP”, in other words. It’s okay. We’re here for you.

Crazy56U: Look, would you two stop, Flash Sentry has nothing to do with any “supposed” OTPs of mine, okay? (coughchryslestiacough) Drop it.

NaturalGlitch: Like it’s hot? And then we party like rock stars? Pleasesayyes, pleasesayyes, pleasesayyes.

Crazy56U: (dead eyed glare)



First of all, I wanted to get back at Pinkie for all of those cruel pranks. So I went to Sugar cube corner.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Which is now Sugar Cube Mall.”

SC276: A lot can happen when you leave society for thirteen years.

Crazy56U: Glad to know Pinkie decided to buy out Sugar Cube Corner and expand it.



I didn’t even bother to knock, I didn’t care if the door was locked, I kicked it right off of its hinges.



Scarlet: Causing it to rebound off a carefully placed trampoline straight back into her face.

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Come in!”



I heard Pinkie pie screaming when she knew of my intentions,



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “My crystal ball warned me about this!”

Topher: I’d love to see the Pinkie sense combo for that one!

Crazy56U: There was none. She read the fanfic and knew this was going to happen.



she attempted to run, but I caught her and dragged her off.



NaturalGlitch: Didn’t Rainbow have a hard time trying to fly away from her?

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s currently powered by rage. Rage trumps Pinkie’s nonsense.

Dark Angel: Yeah, but Rainbow Dash never went to a hospital for her wing. I find it highly unlikely that she would even be able to fly properly, if at all.

Crazy56U: (serious) Rage trumps all.

Topher: Except for Pinkie rage. Pinkie rage is one of the darkest forces ever unleashed, and will bring about the destruction of us all.



So I hooked her to a machine, a masterpiece of my own invention, the “Pegasus Device’



Scarlet: Again, a last-minute name change after her lawyers assured her that calling it the “happy funtimes murder revenge machine” wouldn’t sit well with a jury.

Crazy56U: Just in case you forgot this was a Rainbow Factory story.



which I had recently installed after the whole “Spectrum” Enlightenment.



SC276: This fic has no sense of freakin’ time.

Sigma: What is this time you speak of?

Crazy56U: Isn’t that a type of food?

Dark Angel: It’s just a bunch of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.



Pinkie was crying and weeping and said, “What are you doing Dashie!? I thought we were friends!”



NaturalGlitch [Pinkie] “Also, where have you been for over a decade?”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Seriously, is this for Cupcakes? Go after Sergeant Sprinkles, not me!”



Then I said, “Friends, what kind of friend plays pranks that nearly KILLS SOMEPONY you care about!?



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie] “Why didn’t you just ask me to get rid of them all or bother flying away?”

SC276: [Pinkie] “Also, I didn’t think you’d hold a grudge this long!”

Crazy56U: [Pinkie] “Do you even know who I am?!”



No Friend would just leave their friend to die, so we aren’t friends anymore Pinkie, our friendship is over!”



Scarlet: “Last time we played WoW you totally left me to deal with that entire horde on my own! I’m the DPS, Pinkie! You’re supposed to draw the aggro off me!”

Crazy56U: Why would you bring WoW into this, Scarlet? Why?

Scarlet: Because I thoroughly hate everything in existence at all times.

Dark Angel: In Pinkie’s defense, Rainbow Dash threw her out.



Then I started up the machine which brought a gargantuan knife towards Pinkie Pie,



NaturalGlitch: Rainbow is flexing her thesaurus muscle here.

SC276: I will break out the original fic to prove you have no idea how the machine works, author! Don’t fuckin’ test me!

Sigma: ...she can’t use a knife herself? Really? You need a machine for a KNIFE? How impractical.

Crazy56U: Rainbow is a fan of theatrics.

Dark Angel: Actually, ever since the pranks 13 years ago, Rainbow Dash has had a phobia of knives. So she can only use a knife if it’s on something else. And this is an earlier version of the Rainbow Factory. So perhaps it did use larger knives when if first started out… Somebody kill me NOW! I’m defending this fanfic! (curls into a fetal position)

Crazy56U: (pulls out a pillow) Okay, but only because you asked. (smothers Dark Angel)

Topher: And just to be sure, but only because I like desecrating corpses. (pulls out a gas can, starts dousing the body with gasoline, and lights the carcass on fire) Who brought the weenies?

Crazy56U: (on fire) YOU COULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL I WAS DONE, YOU KNOW?!



I pulled a lever bringing it closer and close, then I pushed the lever in the opposite direction, causing the knife to Stab right into Pinkie’s chest.



Scarlet: “Um, Rainbow, why did you need an elaborate device for this? Now it just kind of looks sorta goofy, and-” “Shut up, Cloud Kicker.”

Crazy56U: Glad to know the Stabby-Tron 200 works just fine!

Dark Angel: What happened to the Stabby-Trons 1 - 199?

Crazy56U: Rainbow wanted her super awesome death factory to be the best thing ever, so she skipped to 200.



The knife pierced through her body and came out of her back, causing blood to shoot right out, and the blood splattered all over my body, covering me in a crimson coat of red blood.



Waterpear: Not only is the blood red, it is also red.

Fallen Prime: As well as being blood.

NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately, it wasn’t hyper-realistic, so it's going to keep happening.

Crazy56U: There was so much blood it filled up an elevator.

Sigma: There was even enough left to be shot out of a bed! There was a Johnny Depp in the way, though, we had to move him.



"Rainbow dash... Why!?"



Scarlet: Given Pinkie’s lungs are over there on the floor somewhere, I presume that’s the voice of the God of Shenanigans.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “For fucks sake, Pinkie, I went over this! I HATE YOU!”

Dark Angel: [Sweet Velvet] “I just told you, Pinkie is my mother!”



Then the knife reversed itself, revealing a syringe the stabbed into the same spot and sucked all of Pinkie pie’s Spectrum out of her body,



NaturalGlitch: Oddly enough, she was full of whip cream and frosting.

Crazy56U: And a lot of candy. I guess Pinkie was part piñata.

Dark Angel: On her mother’s side.

Crazy56U: Eh, makes more sense than the Doctor Who TV movie…

Sigma: I have no idea what you’re talking about. That movie was never made.



after revealing a SCREAM of pain and agony, Pinkie pie screamed her last and her colorless, motionless body was dropped into a shredder to get whatever remained of her Color and convert it into liquid spectrum of the finest flow.



Scarlet: “Damn, we were too late! She knew we were coming and replaced her blood with syrup!”

Sigma: Damn those life-model decoys!

Crazy56U: ...what kind of syrup?

Topher: Knowing Pinkie, probably raspberry snow cone syrup.



The blood was carried through the machine where it separated her spectrum from her blood and made the colors of a rainbow.



Scarlet: Ah, yes. The vibrant, pink-hued rainbow. I know its kind well.

NaturalGlitch: I wonder if the Pinkie rainbow will shoot off fireworks when it hits the sky.

SC276: OK, no. No. The machine first whips the subject all over by the shackles they’re strapped into to break the bones for easier processing, before being fed into the giant grinder at top by which the Spectra is extracted and sent out via tubes. Also, while trying to find that part of the fic, I came across how Rainbow was approached for the job after the events of Sonic Rainboom, so she couldn’t have founded the factory. Author, if you’re going to write a prequel to a fic, READ IT FIRST!!

Crazy56U: (flinches) Wow, you’re pissed.

SC276: If you’re going to do something, put in the freakin’ effort and do it right!



The Red parts were especially vibrant, to where the color was sent to a mixing barrel which made the colors more like a light where it was heated and melted into a beautiful red.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Rarity was right—beauty really is on the inside!”

Crazy56U: (ba-dum-tish)



I went out to see the factory shoot out the colors, and a rainbow was made. It shot out like a fountain,



Scarlet: Which was pourin’ like an avalanche, comin’ down the mountain.

Crazy56U: Oooh, pretty!



but became light reflected by the sun making it shine even brighter!



Scarlet: “Hey everypony, look at that! It’s raining blood!” “YAAAAAAAY-”

Sigma: Shall I play the obligatory Slayer?

Crazy56U: One step ahead of you. Now we’re hardcore, surfing the Internet like a boss.

NaturalGlitch: “This tastes like strawberries!”



And I knew, this was my destiny, this was why my cutie mark had the primary colors, to show me that I was the primary source of creating the greatest rainbows EVER MADE!



Scarlet: And on this day the God of Shenanigans looked at his work and said “It is good.”

Crazy56U: Uh huh, keep telling yourself that, Rainbow...



What happened next was even more fantastic. My workers spread out, stealing ponies of all kinds from all over ponyville, and it was perfect!



NaturalGlitch: And they say you can’t find good help these days.

SC276: Just Ponyville?

Crazy56U: What, and use those Canterlot snobs for her rainbows? She’s better off sticking with Ponyville.



The ponies were melted, crushed, burned, Sucked life from, and even more, shredded and ground up into beautiful rainbows.



NaturalGlitch: Trust us; this is all kinds of sucking.

Crazy56U: No blowing, though...



THIS… Was my DESTINY!!!



Sigma: This is your overhyped moment that you’ve spent half your resources on? ...Pretty accurate, actually, this IS like her Destiny.

Crazy56U: Again, sure, keep telling yourself that.



I was BORN to do this! I was born to make rainbows through any means possible, especially violent ones.



Waterpear: Did all that shit with Pinkie give her brain damage? How the hell did she forget the sonic rainboom?

NaturalGlitch: Because—(makes obnoxiously loud noise)—that’s why.

Crazy56U: Huh, that makes a lot of sense, Glitch.

Dark Angel: Hell, the brain damage may have even occurred when Rainbow Dash originally flew into that rock wall. For all we know, she could’ve been dropped on her head as a foal. Come to think of it, the fact taht we made it this far into the story must be a sign that we all have bran damage…grandted that damage was probly caused by reding this fic. In facdt, I’m not feelling that good myseljf.



I continued to steal ponies away from their homes,



NaturalGlitch: ...and no one thought to investigate? Like, at all?

SC276: They couldn’t find out she was a murderer with a direct eyewitness! Any investigators are probably dumber than rocks!

Crazy56U: I knew it! The police were a myth!



and Applejack’s body was shredded only making a small bit of orange spectrum.



Scarlet: “Rainbow, didn’t you spend like, the past few years trying to get that shit? Doesn’t it seem a little unnecessary-” “Plenty of room in the shredder, Cloud Kicker.”

SC276: I WAS JOKING. MOSTLY.

Crazy56U: Okay, I call bullshit.

Dark Angel: You’re only now calling bullshit?



I am MADE FOR THIS!!!! I shall kill everypony I don’t think are necessary for Ponyville’s population.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Even myself!”

SC276: That’s not even counting the fact that the factory’s in Cloudsdale!

Crazy56U: Friend, I think the author’s made it abundantly clear that they don’t give a shit, why do you keep trying?



And then I decided to do the vilest thing possible,



Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “I will write a bad fanfiction about the creation of the Rainbow Factory.”



“I shall kill all of my friends, oh what amazing colors THEY’LL make!”



Scarlet: “Atonement is bullshit anyway. Let’s just go full-on slasher!”

Crazy56U: (groan) Again, I was told this would be funny. Instead, I’m just bored…

Scarlet: Just because you don’t find this whole segment adorably inept doesn’t mean I can’t experience joy!



So that is what I set out to do. I already used Applejack and Pinkie, so now I just needed to kill Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy.



NaturalGlitch: Because we all know once you go crazy, you gain the power of a million men.

Sigma: I bet she merges with the Rainbow and becomes a god of Blood Rainbows. Just for the extra edge.

Crazy56U: Did someone say “edge”?!



The colors they’ll make will be astounding! I went to Rarity’s boutique, and I broke in, she got up to see what was happening, and there I Grabbed her by the hooves



NaturalGlitch: It sure is a good thing Rarity forgot how to use magic.

Crazy56U: And her self-defense training...



and flew her to the factory where I hooked her to the Pegasus device.



Scarlet: “Really, Dash, you’re being far too forward. You could have at least sent some ‘sorry-I’m-going-to-murder-you’ flowers in advance so I could make time to finish my last few orders!”

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Really, darling, if you were going to go out of your way to make a murder machine, you could’ve at least asked me to help. This place looks so tacky and cheap-looking-”

[Rainbow] “SHUT UP.”

Dark Angel: Has anyone noticed how Rainbow Dash has not brought any pegasi to the pegasus device?



Rarity said “Rainbow dash!? What in Equestria is this, what is going on!?”



SC276: You waited until now to ask that?

Topher: [Cloud Kicker] “Kick-a Flick-a Click-a-dee doo! I’ve got a final riddle for you! Kick-a-Flick-a Click-a dee dee! What color stripe are you gonna be?” [Rainbow] “SHUT UP CLOUD KICKER!”

Dark Angel: [Rainbow] “SHUT THE FUCK UP, RHYMEY!”

Crazy56U: I guess Rarity’s drunk again; she should’ve figured this out by now...



I simply replied bluntly, “I am going to end your life. Your blood will make a vibrant blue, or purple, but It will be amazing!”



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I think you mean it will be fabulous.” [Rainbow] “I’m not saying it.” [Rarity, pouting] “Please?”

Crazy56U: C’mon, Rainbow, it’s her last request. Just honor it!

Dark Angel: Yes, Rainbow Dash. Embrace the spirit of the G3 Rainbow Dash. Actually, she was about saying ‘dashing’.



So instead of her dying from the knife idea, I put her on a treadmill where her body was moved to a crusher,



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Why did my body chose this time to faint?”

Sigma: Is Rainbow Dash a Bond villain now?

Crazy56U: As it happens, the Stabby-Tron 200 broke after so much use, so she had to replace it. But, the Stabby-Tron 4000 was just too expensive, so treadmill.



which crushed out all of her blood and flowed it through to the conversion chamber.



Scarlet: Guys, I thought we agreed we’d save Chatoyance for another- oh, chamber.

SC276: Oh god, please don’t tell me she’s going through multiple versions of the machine before getting to the one that should actually work.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, her blood was converted into ice cream.



The sights, the dark gloomy atmosphere, the blood on the floor, walls, and ceiling, The sounds, the screams of Pain and agony, the horror of it all, the ferocious deaths!



Scarlet: Rainbow has yet to realize she could’ve achieved the same emotional effect by joining a death metal band.

Sigma: I feel insulted by that remark.

Crazy56U: Eh, this is almost done (I hope), one more Linkin Park for the road.

Dark Angel: I suddenly have the sensation that this fanfic is confusing what is real.



And I enjoyed every second of it. Rarity was no more, and her blood made a vibrant blue shoot from the sky, and the rest of the rainbow was dull in comparison.



NaturalGlitch: I feel bad for the custodial staff.

Crazy56U: I feel bad for the sky…

Scarlet: I mostly feel bad for myself. And also Topher, who I have yet to pay back from earlier. *dramatically breaks his neck*

Topher: Ouch.

Dark Angel: I feel bad for anyone stupid enough to read this shitfic…wait…



Next was Fluttershy, the sweet and innocent Pegasus pony who was mean enough to laugh at jokes about my failure.



NaturalGlitch: Talk about holding a grudge. That was over 10 years ago.

Crazy56U: Yeah, you’d think Rainbow would’ve forgotten about that during the factory planning...



She was to be punished severely in the most painful way possible,



SC276: She didn’t even start anything!

Crazy56U: Rainbow turns want to leave any thread unhanging.

Dark Angel: Punished in the most painful way possible? No! Please don’t make her read this shitfic!



I broke into her cottage, her animals tried to protect her, but I tore them apart limb from limb,



Scarlet: “At this point I was a twentieth-level Barbarian and they were mere Kobolds in comparison.”

SC276: Including the bear?

Sigma: Bears are only level 12, so yes. Even the bear.

Crazy56U: Why am I being reminded of Sonic.exe right now?



Fluttershy was screaming and crying as she saw all of her critter friends being ferociously ripped into pieces by my bare teeth and hooves.



Scarlet: And she didn’t stop you using the Stare because-

NaturalGlitch: If Fluttershy saw you mess with her animals or friends, she would mess you up.

SC276: How dare you? HOW DARE YOU?!

Crazy56U: Real talk, Rainbow wouldn’t have been able to kill one of her animals. Fluttershy would’ve killed her right then and there. It’s a shame that the bad writing is helping Rainbow at this point…

Dark Angel: Oh god! This story is finally beginning to make sense!

Crazy56U: DAMN IT, did it again...



There was blood all over her cottage as a result, all the critters were in pieces, there vital organs on the ceiling and walls,



NaturalGlitch: ♫To the windows to the wall♫ Until the sweat—(several knives puncture his eyes)—ow.

Topher: [Fluttershy] “Hey hey hey, stay outta my house!”

Crazy56U: Again, why am I being reminded of Sonic.exe?!



and there broken bodies lying limp on the floor. It was amazing, I tasted the blood and it satiated my thirst, then Fluttershy was crying all alone.



Scarlet: Wow, Silent Ponyville’s Fluttershy arc was even less inspired than I remember.

NaturalGlitch: Hey, anyone remember when Fluttershy easily overpowered Rainbow when she tried to make Fluttershy do something she didn’t want to? Well, this author doesn’t.

SC276: This author can’t even remember the original fic’s canon, I’m surprised he even knows what their names are.

Crazy56U: At least they’re getting those right, that’s something…

Dark Angel: You know, if he would’ve gotten their names wrong, this story might have made more sense…



“Rainbow dash, Please stop, why are you doing this; This isn’t you!”

“It’s the new me Fluttershy, I was born for this, this is my destiny!”



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “I get to be the Titan, and you’ll be the Hunter.” [Fluttershy] “But I want to be a Warlock instead...” [Rainbow] “Augh, fine, whatever.”

Topher: Now let’s see new Fluttershy and new Rainbow Dash throw down!

Crazy56U: Whoever wins, we lose.



“But how is being a cruel and vicious murderer your destiny, you were supposed to be loyal!”



Scarlet: You were the chosen one! You were supposed to bring balance!

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Yeah, well you were supposed to be kind! Suck on those eggs!”



She cried. Her tears were flooding her cottage for a long time.



NaturalGlitch: Fluttershy literally cried a river.

SC276: ~With a hey nonny-nonny toodle ho!~ ~Toodle ho!~

Crazy56U: ...gesundheit?



Then I dragged her away from her home. “I have a new loyalty now Fluttershy,” I said,



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “The various animes I watch! Oh, and making rainbows from ponies, that too.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Making rainbows in the most impractical ways possible!”



“A loyalty to my finest work ever, my amazing achievement, too bad all who hear of it will never live to tell the tale.” And I took her to the factory.



Scarlet: The God of Shenanigans apparently speeding along the journey by compressing it down into a single sentence, void of detail.

Crazy56U: (yawn) Good. The faster we finish this, the better.



Now it was time to kill my dear friend Fluttershy.



NaturalGlitch: By boring her to death?

SC276: I think I’m actually dying from stupidity right now.

Sigma: We’re already dead, dude, this fic’s just made us too stupid to realise.

Dark Angel: We’re too stupid to realize that we’re dead…but we’re smart enough to realize that we’re too stupid to realize we’re dead? Sigma needs help! His logic has adapted to that of this fanfic!

Crazy56U: I’ve been dead for years, no biggie.



I hooked her to my device and pulled the lever. Then Fluttershy tried to renew my goodness once more by pleading, “Rainbow dash, please stop this, you’ll never get anywhere with killing.” She cried loudly,



Scarlet: “Seriously! Mentally breaking someone’s soul and fortitude is much more satisfying in the long run!”

Topher: [CloudKicker] “Kick-a Flick-a Click-a-dee-” [Rainbow] “WE TALKED ABOUT THIS ALREADY, CLOUDKICKER!”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Murder won’t solve all your problems, Rainbow Dash!”

Dark Angel: [Fluttershy] “Murder may solve some of your problems, but not all of them!



“And I Don’t deserve to die! All my life I have been completely innocent, why now, do you choose to end me?”



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Don’t make me do the puppy dog pout.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “Did you at least kill Pinkie before me?”

[Rainbow] “Yes?”

[Fluttershy] “THANK FAUST! Okay, I’m good, throw the switch.”

NaturalGlitch: Yeesh. Tell us how you really feel, Crazy. Wait... Faust?! (remembers The Unexpected Love Life Of Dusk Shine) AUGH! MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE!

Crazy56U: All according to plan...



Then I looked at Fluttershy, stared her deeply into her eyes and said, “Because, you are not as kind as you claim to be, the element of kindness, so sweet and innocent, UGH! It makes me SICK!



Scarlet: “I read ‘Five Hundred Little Murders’, you know! You euthanize the shit out of things!”

Sigma: Wait, Fluttershy’s PETA now?

Crazy56U: Please, even Fluttershy would hate PETA, get real.



Your very existence haunts my mind, and now I am going to FINISH that existence, and end your life now.” I pulled the trigger and, SLICE! Fluttershy was pierced.



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “I guess this earring looks pretty on me...”

Crazy56U: And then Fluttershy deflated like a balloon.



Her last words were, “You have become a monster Rainbow dash. What happened to you? Why… did you…” And her life was taken.



NaturalGlitch: There are enough sequels for that movie franchise, thank you.

Crazy56U: No, there are too many.



The syringe descended once more to claim the blood of yet another victim of my dastardly evil. Now it was time to take out Princess Twilight Sparkle.



Scarlet: Don’t mind that whistling noise, it was just my suspension of disbelief snapping and being flung off into the horizon.

NaturalGlitch: Wait.... WAIT.... You mean to tell me that... (eye twitches)

SC276: Yeah OK yeah NO. *flops* My brain hurts.

Sigma: I actually don’t find this to be the most improbable thing ever considering I once read a fic where a random street stallion who wasn’t even fully grown overpowered and raped her. That was a shit time.

Crazy56U: … (shrug) Because why the fuck not. The author never once gave a shit, so why bother...



I went to her house, and knocked,



Crazy56U: ...and you’re being polite now, because… …?



I figured that betrayal was the best way to take her life, so that is what I was going to do. She opened the door and said, “Rainbow dash! Oh, thank goodness you’re okay!



NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t you ever report to Celestia about Rainbow being a murderer?

Crazy56U: Wait, are you trying to say-



After you ran away, I thought you were gone for good, I haven’t seen or heard of you, and now some random Pegasi in uniforms are taking ponies away to who KNOWS where!?



Scarlet: “And I never informed Princess Celestia of this because-”

SC276: [Twilight] “I was too busy panicking to make use of the fact that I actually have authority now.”

Crazy56U: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY SHE FORGOT RAINBOW CONFESSED TO KILLING APPLEJACK! (punches a hole in the wall)

NaturalGlitch: I thought you said we shouldn't bother.

Crazy56U: (shaking hand in pain) Look, even I have my limits, okay?



Thank goodness you weren’t taken!” But I just stared at her, silently glaring with an evil look in my now crimson eyes, at that instance she knew



NaturalGlitch: “—that I forgot to give her book on the Spectrum back and was due a fine.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Oh, fuck, right, you’re a murderer.”



and said, “You? Why, what did we ever do to you!?” Then, Squish, I plunged a knife right through her heart,



SC276: Um, doesn’t that run counter to the entire idea of getting as much Spectra as possible?

Crazy56U: Twilight’s now an alicorn, best to kill her now than let her counterattack.



her blood was now spilling relentlessly and her last words.



Scarlet: Were also, I assume, spilling relentlessly.

Crazy56U: (sigh) Let me get a mop…

SC276: Get a broom as well. You left plaster and wood all over the floor from that hole in the wall.

Crazy56U: (grumble)



“Why, Rainbow dash, I thought our friendship meant something to you!



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Wait—did you stab me? Well, no wonder my chest hurts so much. Silly me.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Seriously, though, a knife? Really?!”



You really… are a failure, because you failed to keep… your anger… and hatred under tabs, and…” She gasped loudly for a last breath of air to say, “That is the biggest… fai…lure… of…” *Breaths loudly* “of them all…”



Waterpear: [HEAVY BREATHING]

NaturalGlitch: Nah, the biggest failure here is me—I MEAN, this fanfiction. Yeah.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “...I swear, I’m gonna figure out how to bring you back to life

just so that I can kill you again for that.”



And she dropped limp and motionless onto her castle floor.



SC276: I thought she rebuilt the library, WHAT. At least make sense within your own fuckin’ continuity, author!

Sigma: Oh, shit, you set off the continuity alarm again!

Crazy56U: We’re almost done, just ignore it at this point...



Her blood was now covering the crystal flooring with a crimson light. Her blood was now a pool that you could practically swim in!



Scarlet: “Hey, Rainbow, didn’t we just establish that you needed live ponies to get any Spectrum out of them?” “Here, Kicker. Hold my knife for a minute. In your kidney.”

Crazy56U: There was just blood all over the place!



And I took her now motionless body to my factory, her blood was now mostly gone, but I crushed what was left,



NaturalGlitch: It was a good thing everyone was looking at the ground as Rainbow took off with a dripping corpse tagging along.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Hey, everypony, look over there!”

[Everypony] “Okay! (looks away)”

[Rainbow] “(runs off with Twilight’s corpse)”



and then, the colors of all of my friends shot up into the sky where all of the colors were very bright and vibrant.



Scarlet: The author’s got about two words to describe colors with, and by golly they will be used until they break down and die!

Crazy56U: Because fuck thesauruses, am I right?!



Then I said, “Who needs friendship!?



NaturalGlitch: I got over 100 episodes from your show to give you an answer.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Can’t be bothered, making rainbows!”



In the Rainbow factory, there is no friendship, just death, and fears in the future shall come true, and not a single soul ever gets through.”



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow] “Not even me! ...I really, really, REALLY need some sleep.”

SC276: Can’t even quote the bloody song right!

Crazy56U: That’s what she was going? I thought she was just ranting...



At this time, I went back into the factory and saw too many unicorns and earth ponies, so I said, “STOP! There is a new law now,



Waterpear: I think the author skipped the part of the story where Rainbow Dash takes over Equestria using a death ray powered by rainbows.

Crazy56U: We need to make one last reference to the story the author never read!



every Filly who passes their flight tests gets to live,



NaturalGlitch: “What flight test?” “Who are you?” “Will you scratch my belly?”

Crazy56U: “When do we get paid?!”

Dark Angel: [Little filly] “Where’s the bathroom? I really have to…never mind. I don’t have to go anymore.”



where the fillies who don’t, are sent here to make rainbows either with THEIR blood… Or OTHERS. IN THE RAINBOW FACTORY…”



Scarlet: “Sure, we accept this law. Beats lynching donkeys on a Tuesday!”

Crazy56U: LET’S JUST SCREAM THE LAST FEW SENTENCES, OKAY?!



“WHERE YOUR FEARS AND HORRORS COME TRUE!”



NaturalGlitch: Like this stupid Rainbow Factory thing never dying?!

Crazy56U: Isn’t that the slogan for 4chan?



“IN THE RAINBOW FACTORY…”

“WHERE NOT A SINGLE SOUL GETS THROUGH!!”



NaturalGlitch: Until the factory fails its inspection.

Topher: “Get it? ‘Cause it’s like the song?”

Sigma: I don’t even know what song this is referencing so I’m just bored.

Crazy56U: (sigh) Same…

SC276: That would be this one. The one the original fanfic was inspired by.



And then, we moved the factory higher into the sky and kept it in a secret place in Cloudsdale.



NaturalGlitch: “ A secret place that everypony could see, especially since Cloudsdale moves around all over Equestria."

SC276: Yes, a building literally described as so massive I wouldn’t be surprised if it took up a whole real-world city if I measured it, just that easily moved up to be attached to a cloud. Did this author reread… anything he wrote?

Sigma: That’s a stupid question at this point, you should know every answer is gonna be “no.”

Dark Angel: Not only did he not reread anything he wrote, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never knew what he was writing to begin with.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Let’s see... (types) ‘sv_cheats 1’... ‘notarget’... ...done and

done!”



It was to be a final field trip for all fillies who failed their flight test.



Scarlet: “Colts, of course, were exempt.”

Topher: It’s like the draft, but backwards!

Crazy56U: Well, it was either this, or the glue factory...



All who worked here were sworn to secrecy, abandoning all life in the outside world.



Scarlet: “Come work in my AWESOME factory! All it takes is giving up your loved ones and becoming complicit in the murder of untold numbers of children!”

Crazy56U: Hopefully, she pays them...



Many ponies went missing from Equestria, and none were ever found.



NaturalGlitch: This is Jeff the Killer levels of “no one was found because shut up that’s why” bullshit.

Crazy56U: BREAKING NEWS: Population mysteriously decreases! Researchers blame global warming!



My only hope was that I would never have to see Scootaloo’s face ever again, not after what I did.



NaturalGlitch: So, that would mean Scootaloo is in her mid-20s by the time she takes her flight test.

Crazy56U: Hey, Rainbow, uh, funny story...



I hope now that she never has to come here, to find out what I have become. I hope, that she will never see me ever again; not even at death.



NaturalGlitch: But you’ll have plenty of time to catch up when she’s dead.

Crazy56U: Trust me, you’re gonna laugh when I tell you it...



And I will never leave this factory until Scootaloo is dead.



Scarlet: “Not even to use the bathroom. I’ve converted one of the corpses into a chamber pot temporarily. Festive!”

SC276: Well that’s been handled by now. Off with you!

Crazy56U: Okay, I admit, it’s not that funny, but the punchline’s amazing...



Author's Note:

Here is a story of how Rainbow Dash made the Rainbow factory, why she did it, and how the Flight test law came to be.



NaturalGlitch: Boo. Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo. Boo! Boo!!

Crazy56U: (makes a loud fart noise)

Dark Angel: Author’s Note: Here is a story of events that have nothing to do with the original story.



Easily the longest hing I have ever written. Please comment!



Scarlet: Whelp, if riffs count as comments- done and done. Is it bad that I kind of like this story?

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully not in the traditional sense. If you mean like watching The Room and laughing the whole time, then no; it’s not bad.

Scarlet: Well, it’s a mixture of that and genuine appreciation for this poor author. Amidst the complete idiocy and the total lack of competence, there are a few ideas in here which could make compelling stories on their own. What if one of the mane six began to hallucinate that she was in danger from the others? Where does that lead? It’s not like the story actually does this well, it’s just a more interesting base idea than the fics we’ve had for the last two weeks and I wanna acknowledge it.

SC276: Yeah, in order for a prequel fic to actually do well, it has to make bloody sense as a prequel fic. Just from quickly skimming the relevant paragraphs of Rainbow Factory, I can see the author put no effort into being consistent with it. At all. Rainbow didn’t make the factory, it’s called Spectra and not Spectrum or whatever which isn’t just in their blood, and the Pegasus Device doesn’t work that way in the same way windmills don’t! And that’s not even bringing up the complete lack of law enforcement or investigation in this fic, that Rainbow wasn’t locked up and the key thrown away for murdering Applejack - with an eyewitness, no less - in the first place, and Celestia not doing shit about her citizens being kidnapped - from just Ponyville for no fucking reason - and killed! And what about Spike? The whole Rainbow Factory collection seemingly ignores him completely. He’s going to be wondering where Twilight is and why there’s a big puddle of blood on the castle floor! And that just brings up that there’s no real place in the timeline for this shit to happen! Rainbow had to be present for the events of the season 4 finale since Twilight’s castle exists, so we’re somewhere after that point, where their friendship is strong enough that Rainbow wouldn’t go over the edge and start the chain of events just from one case of schadenfreude at her expense! This fic is literally IMPOSSIBLE!!

NaturalGlitch: Not to mention that Rainbow’s friends wouldn’t do that in the first place, especially break her wing on purpose, and Rainbow wouldn't be that much of a petty moron at all. It's sad when the riffers know more about Rainbow Factory than the other that’s writing a prequel.

Scarlet: I didn’t! I’ve never read Rainbow Factory. However, I can definitely say that as a stand-alone horror piece, better start point and concept than “Spike the Baby Fuck You Dragon” of our last creepypasta but somehow worse in its execution. Still, it’s like a small child’s drawing. I can’t bear to hate it, even if it’s shit.

Sigma: ...2/10, not enough gratuitous CRIMSON STREAMS OF RED BLOOD.

Crazy56U: Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but this got fucking tedious near the end... This was hard for me to finish because it got so god damn BORING. Just… ...wow.

Dark Angel: Well now that this fic is over, everyone can help themselves to my truckload of brain bleach.

SC276: Can I stockpile some away for next week? I don’t think I’ll need it, but I’m sure others will.





* * *





RingmasterJ5: What was it about FFNet in 2012 that brought out the most riffable MLP fics? Seriously. Both of the fics from last month’s double feature were from then, as was the original Magic is Believing.

Fallen Prime: In fairness, FIMFic was still young and people weren’t migrating in droves JUST yet.

RingmasterJ5: Which allowed things like this week’s fic to be posted to nothing but praise, somehow. Seriously, almost every single review of what you’re about to read was about how it was so scary they could barely get through it. Which means that yes, in what is sort of new territory for F/F/T3K, this fic’s a creepypasta.

Fallen Prime: As someone with a casual habit of browsing creepypastas, I know how they generally work. Some of them can actually be pretty, well, creepy if executed properly, but we’re here, so there’s the implication that this doesn’t execute jack shit properly.

RingmasterJ5: It absolutely doesn’t. It’s also worth noting that the name has pretty much nothing to do with the fic in the slightest. There is a curse, but it has nothing to do with Ponyville, instead being placed on the main character by… well, you’ll see.

Fallen Prime: A cursory glance tells me it’s vaguely similar to that “haunted/missing episode” archetype. So you know you’re in for some dumb.

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, the “horror” that is KJMusical’s “The Ponyville Curse”.



Author's Note: Okay, so as you know Halloween is coming up, so I felt I had to do a creepypasta for the occasion.



Fallen Prime:

Steel: Oh shit, here we go! Creepypasta! Get your diapers ready, ‘cause it’s about to get pants-shitty in here.

Crazy56U: B-but… but… it’s August, though…

SC276: I’ve riffed a creepypasta before, actually. It was so dull, figuring out the ending took longer than it should.

Scarlet: I’m going into this blind and I’m going to be judging hardcore. I actually like me some creepypasta when they’re done decently.

Fallen Prime: Ditto as fuck.

Sigma: I’m gonna need a hard r/nosleep binge when I’m done with this shit.

Topher: I’m just gonna leave this here. Follow along if you want! Also, whenever you cross of a square, take a shot. You’re gonna need it, alcohol poisoning be damned.



I don't own the content mentioned in this story or the characters, other than the protagonist.



NaturalGlitch: “He’s being a good chained-up captive. (to the protagonist) Yes you are, aren’t you?”

Crazy56U: Somehow, I doubt that…

Scarlet: Can we table the creepypasta riff and have NaturalGlitch produce a creepy story instead? I’m just saying, I sense talent.



All characters in this work are fictious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.



NaturalGlitch: Oh~ I can’t wait until the hyper-realistic and bloody shenanigans start!

Crazy56U: Stopwatches are primed and ready.

SC276: Isn’t that… kinda against the idea of a creepypasta, period?

Sigma: Is there an idea at all beyond “OH LOOK I’M 2SPOOKY”?

Steel: It’s right there in the name, fellas. Creepypasta.

Scarlet: “This is a story that really happened to me, and a bunch of other people who don’t exist.”



The lines of minus symbols are also different POVs.



SC276: Dashes, author. They’re called dashes. This isn’t a math equation.



Firstly, there'll be an introduction and then pasta itself.



Crazy56U: Then, what is this if it isn’t the intro?

Steel: It’s called ‘exposition’!

Scarlet: The real horror is the unnecessary amount of buildup to the story.



Nothing more to say, so let's get to it.

Oh, and this creepypasta is FAKE.



NaturalGlitch: I guess he knows the people who would be scared of this drink Draino for dinner and had to make sure they know.

Crazy56U: Nice job ruining the experience, buckwheat. Why not tell us Santa isn’t real while you’re at it.

SC276: And that is definitely against the idea.

Sigma: Creepypasta is like nosleep: the author is supposed to pretend everything you read HAPPENED. Did he not read the fine print?

Scarlet: “All characters are fictitious and non-existent. Much like my faith in the average short-term memory of my readers!”



No episode exists and I'm sure if it did, nothing would happen to the viewer, except for maybe a massive shock.



NaturalGlitch: “Or a boner, depending which kind of brony you are.”

Crazy56U: Unless the shock is taser/cattle prod related, I don’t think so.

SC276: I pretty much get a shock every time they start singing, so…

Topher: These disclaimers here are literally ruining the story before it starts. Putting this kind of disclaimer before a creepypasta is like explaining a joke in detail as you tell it.





* * *





Extract from a Scotland Yard Police crime document,



Crazy56U: Huh, don’t recall this episode of Sherlock…

SC276: British!



written on 7/9/2012:

On the 4th of September 2012, Gerald Young, age 16, was found dead in his bedroom at 9:55AM by his parents, Mr. Malcolm & Mrs. Alison Young.



NaturalGlitch: Dude! Spoilers!

Crazy56U: Well, actually, while they discovered the corpse at that time, it took them several hours to realize he was dead. After all, teenagers have shit sleeping habits. Speaking from experience.

Topher: Aha! first square in creepypasta bingo, “Dead Author”

Sigma: You aren’t playing the drinking game? What a scrub.



Autopsy revealed that their son died as a result of severe brain hemorrhaging, possibly from multiple blows to the head.



Crazy56U: Calling it now: he read the story and facepalmed one time too many.

SC276: Pretty sure that’s how half of us will go out.

Sigma: Maybe one of us just got to him first.



However, there is currently no evidence of assault against the victim.



NaturalGlitch: “...besides the blows to his head.”

Crazy56U: “But, then again, the massive dent in his skull might’ve been a clue…”

Sigma: “Then again, maybe he just found a bad creepypasta.”

Scarlet: “At our best guess, he attempted to use Double-Edge on the bedpost and the recoil damage knocked him out.”



The only evidence the Scotland Yard Police could find in the victim's home was a series of word documents on the victim's computer.



NaturalGlitch: “It was just ‘hyper-realistic’ over and over again.”

Crazy56U: “All creep and no pasta makes Gerald a dull boy.”

Sigma: Wouldn’t this be all pasta and no creep? Because these are never very creepy.

Scarlet: By the way, what kind of incident report is this? Wouldn’t this be compiled by an on-the-scene investigator?



There were 13 documents on his computer.



Crazy56U: (eyes glaze over)

Sigma: Meh, should’ve been 666.

Crazy56U: (eyes pop out) ...ow...



However, 12 were documents of jumbled up letters and numbers.



NaturalGlitch: Guy must’ve passed out on his computer trying to write a “scary” story.

Crazy56U: Or, those were the rough drafts…

SC276: Or pages from the Library of Babel. Though I forgot if that thing had numbers…

Scarlet: Fortunately I’ve got my decoder ring. Unfortunately, I gave up after documents one through six turned out to be heavily coded rough drafts for Celestia/Gilda slash clopfic.



Only one, which was written on 3/9/2012, a day before Gerald's death, was written in pure english.



RingmasterJ5: The rest were a mixture of Wingdings and braille, “numbers and letters” just sounds better in the report.

Crazy56U: As opposed to, what, being written in Homsar-ese?

SC276: [Homsar] “IIIIII’m a chicken on a corn doggggg.”

Crazy56U: The fuck did you just call me?

Sigma: “One of them was just a bunch of pages of the Lenny face, oddly enough.”



What you're about to read is all the text found in the document. We must warn you, what you're about to read, may disturb you.



NaturalGlitch: “—that someone actually found this scary.”

Crazy56U: “JK, but regardless, we need to tell a story.”

SC276: That’s written in an actual police report?

Sigma: What is this, a bad procedural TV drama?

Scarlet: “The events you are about to read are totally false. The names have been changed in order to protect absolutely no-one.”





* * *





Text Document 13

Written: 10:45PM, 3rd September 2012.



RJ: Papa must’ve been a rolling stone.

Crazy56U: “Just watched ‘Asylum of the Daleks’. Regretting life choices. Writing 20th angry letter to Steven Moffat.”





* * *





I'm currently sitting at my computer scared out of my life.



NaturalGlitch: Looks like he googled what a Futashy is.

Crazy56U: Oh God, he went on Facebook…

SC276: If you’re so scared, how are you typing so clearly? Word AutoCorrect can only do so much.

Scarlet: [Politely Coughs] Actually, having decoded the seventh wingding-document now, I think he’s well aware what a Futashy is.



I've been trying to get some sleep for the last few hours, but I keep seeing it every time.



NaturalGlitch: Have you tried closing your eyes first?

Scarlet: “Oooh, an advertisement for the latest Magic: The Gathering set! I’m so excited!”

Crazy56U: “Penguins… ...penguins everywhere…”



I had decided to go to bed early tonight since I start college tomorrow morning, but those images I've seen a few months ago have been keeping me awake.



NaturalGlitch: “Pictures of me when I passed out at my last birthday party.”

Crazy56U: Well, that’s what you get for using Google Image Search with SafeSearch off. TRUST ME. (stares off into the distance)



Let me explain.



Crazy56U: This is a story, all about how, my life got flipped, turned upside- (gets hit with a brick)

SC276: Let’s not and say you did.

Sigma: “See, I was looking for some porn, and I mixed up the superglue and the lube...”



This may bore you, but I have to tell you.



NaturalGlitch: He’s going to show us his vacation photos! RUN!!

SC276: If it’s anything like the last couple of stories, it’ll definitely bore us.

Sigma: “I am your father.”

Scarlet [As Author]: “Just remember guys, this may bore you and it’s also totally fake. Remember to like and fave!”



I graduated from Edinburgh Secondary School on the 22nd of July. I was stressed out from the exams I had been doing for the 2 months beforehand. But I managed to finish every single one of them by mid July.



NaturalGlitch: “Sure, I flunked every single one of them, but I was never a student there to begin with.”

Crazy56U: Wait, did you have summer school, or does school end later in the UK?



Of course, I was happy that I finished them all but also upset about leaving all my friends.



Sigma: “Some people would argue that I can’t call weird old dolls friends, but I beg to differ! Why else would they be okay with me jerking off on them?”

Scarlet: On second thought, Sigma, you write the new pasta. Sorry Glitch, it’s nothing personal.



But then again, it was bound to happen sooner or later. So, we all went our separate ways.



NaturalGlitch: Ah, so they were like Facebook friends.



I went back home where my mum, dad, my older brother, Josh (aged 21) and my older sister, Britney (aged 17) were waiting for me.



RingmasterJ5: He’s at most 16... yet he’s starting college tomorrow. Of course.

Crazy56U: Well, already this Creepypasta has become unrealistic. For shame…

SC276: And why did this kid, scared out of his mind, feel the need to put the ages of his siblings?

Sigma: Wow, this utter failure at keeping up the illusion makes the “this is fake” thing at the beginning even MORE useless.

SC276: Also, he apparently doesn’t own those four, since he just owns the protagonist. Their creators probably aren’t amused you stole their characters.



They congratulated me and things were pretty normal afterwards.

Well, that is...until I saw that video.



RJ: Muffled Nyan Cat plays in the background.

Crazy56U: ...I’m very tempted to make a PewDiePie joke, here…

Sigma: “I never should have looked up ‘2 Girls, 1 Cup’…”

Scarlet: “In retrospect, clicking on a link reading ‘Possessed Video Footage from The Ring’ was a bad life decision.”



I could stay up as late as I liked now I was done with school.



NaturalGlitch: “All the way to 8:30. I am such a rebel.”

Crazy56U: But just you wait; since you finished school at the end of July, and you start college presumably in September, you only got a month of free time. Reality is about to kick your ass sooner than you think, kid. Trust me. (stares off into the distance)

SC276: That sounds a bit like my winter vacation, actually...



My family went out that night to share their son's achievements in school with their friends and I was home alone since there wasn't anything I could do.



NaturalGlitch: [Mom] “He was able to walk and blink at the same time! I am so proud of him!”

Sigma: “And we don’t have to walk him to the potty anymore and take his pants down for him!”

Crazy56U: Wait, they’re sharing your achievements and you have nothing to do… … ...did they take your Xbox? (ba-dum-tish)



I thought I'd surf the web for something good.



Crazy56U: Uh-huh. “[S]omething good”...

Sigma: So basically, he wasn’t looking for this creepypasta?

Scarlet: I can now confirm based on translations of the eighth wingding-document that he found it. In a manner of speaking. If you really like Diamond Dogs.



Eventually, I came across some web page with a red border and a black background.



NaturalGlitch: And now my favorite part of every hack creepypasta—overly describing every little thing! It’s almost second to using video game references as a substitute for descriptions.

Crazy56U: Well, at least he isn’t timing everything yet…

SC276: If that page becomes an OC, I’m blowing up Europe.

Sigma: Oh, come on. How bout just the Trump Estate? May not be in Europe, but he’s probably got like, five others anyway.

Scarlet: Red border with black- oh damn it! I left my personal web page from my emo days up again! This IS true horror!



There was a yellow arrow pointing down to a small download link. The text above the arrow said 'New My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic Episode released! Download episode to see it!'



NaturalGlitch: “Warning: May cause users to barf memes about the show in every available space on the Internet."

Crazy56U: And since this is still July 2012, that means this “super legit” leak is for… …“The Crystal Empire”... … (sighs; pinches bridge of nose) I think I know where this is going…

SC276: The last time I clicked one of those links trying to get Steven Universe episodes, I got infected with malware.

Sigma: Not using torrents? Git gud, scrubs.

Topher: The episodes are up on Youtube hours after they air, requiring little to no effort to see them, with the right ad blocker. You git gud, scrub.

Sigma: We’re talking downloading. Youtube isn’t downloading. Keep up, filthy casual.



Ah, My Little Pony. Before anyone asks, it's not my cup of tea. Don't get me wrong, it's very well animated and Lauren Faust did a good job making it, but to me, it's a bit girly for my liking.



NaturalGlitch: Gee, you don’t say? Imagine—a show made by a feminist meant to teach feminist issues and lessons to little girls and their parents being girly.

Scarlet: “Guys I swear I’m totally masculine look at my masculinity oh god I’m so masculine that my penis has a penis totally please don’t laugh at me for watching ponies.”

Crazy56U: I’m already waiting for the spooks to kill you, you don’t need to convince me anymore…



But, I thought if I downloaded this episode, I could brag about it to any bronies I met later in my life.



NaturalGlitch: That’s like bragging about chomping down on glass in front of a dentist office; it’s just a stupid idea.

SC276: “I watched ONE episode! Suck it!”

Sigma: “I watched Spike at Your Service! Now I know EVERYTHING about MLP!”

NaturalGlitch: I-I can't be the only one that likes that episode. ..right? Right?! No, you're crazy!

Scarlet: “Sup, bronies? Yeah, I’ve got a low-quality internet version of The Canterlot Wedding! What n- what do you mean “official release.”

Crazy56U: Dude, it’s “The Crystal Empire”. At the risk of offending someone, it’s not a good episode. Not the worst Season 3 episode, LORD no, but still...

NaturalGlitch: It’s not? Well, now I know! And knowing is half the battle! G.I.—(A few rusty saw blades impale his face and neck)—Joe...



So I downloaded it and plugged my headphones in.



Sigma: COMMENCE MLG AIRHORNS!

Crazy56U: (“theme of sanic hegehog” intensifies)

NaturalGlitch: “Ah, the ‘washer machine is backed up’ dubstep song I love~”



There was a lesson I forgot that night which I learned a long time ago from my dad: never download suspicious files on the internet.



RJ: Just seed them unquestioningly.

Scarlet: It’s true. Last time I downloaded one, I got this story. My hard drive will never feel clean again.

Crazy56U: “Hmm… ‘videoxxx.avi.exe’... SEEMS LEGIT! (downloads)”

Fallen Prime: Needs more BonziBuddy.

Topher: Ooh! suspicious file! Another square off the bingo card!



Why didn't I heed the warning? I don't know.



SC276: If you’re not into MLP, what did you even search to come across this page in the first place?

NaturalGlitch: Probably a YouTube Poop. Those were big back then.

Crazy56U: You want to be killed by spooks, don’t you? STOP BEING STUPID.



Anyway, after about 2 minutes or so, the file finished downloading



SC276: I don’t remember 2012 download speeds, but… eh, you’d maybe get five minutes, I think?

Sigma: Europe internet, SC. They get better connections than us.

Scarlet: Socialist bastards.

Crazy56U: The timing begins.



and I clicked the open tab that goes with it.



NaturalGlitch: “Apparently the episode is only five seconds long.”

Scarlet: Attempts to avoid Youtube’s piracy detection filters were much more elaborate than I remember, I guess.

Crazy56U: “Wait, this isn’t what I downloaded, what the heck is ‘Lose/Lose’?!”



It opened up a Windows Media Player file, which I found odd because my computer didn't have Windows Media Player. But I shook it off.



NaturalGlitch: “The vibrating and bleeding game disk vomited green tar all over my face. The sludge became sentient and started plugging up my mouth and nose. I assumed this was a glitch and moved on.”

SC276: Um… I’m pretty sure Windows Media Player comes pre-installed with every version of Windows. What are you, on a Mac or something?

Crazy56U: I bet dollars to donuts he’s using a Tandy 400…

Topher: Strange occurrence that foreshadows future spoopy? Cross of another one, kiddies!



Hey! It's one less program I have to download!



Sigma: Ignorance is indeed bliss.

Crazy56U: You poor deluded fool… Everyone knows VLC is better…

Sigma: OI! Media Player Classic!

Crazy56U: I will fight you in the street.



Unlike most episodes I've seen, this one didn't have a short sketch that usually started it off or even the opening credits!



NaturalGlitch: “I sure know a lot about a show I don’t like.”

Crazy56U: Well, gee, the “leaked episode” is missing footage? In a Creepypasta? Oh, perish the thought...



It just jumped straight to the episode. Bear in mind, what I'm describing is what I saw on that damned video.



Sigma: Really, we thought you were going to describe the manner in which you came to it.

Scarlet: Remember, nothing in this show is real.

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, let me guess: you wanted to include snapshots, but the footage “mysteriously” wouldn’t work after this?



This 'episode' (If it can even be called that)



Crazy56U: ...so, it’s not a ham sandwich, then?



started with a shot of Ponyville, only this was dark and cloudy with big, grey clouds hovering over an abandoned street with the piano loop from 'Theme of Laura (Reprise)' playing in the background.



NaturalGlitch: PFFFT-AHAHAHAHHA! Did I call it or what? Do I get a prize?

Sigma: Your prize is being shamed for being a nerd.

SC276: I have no idea what that is, I’mma Google. ...Oh it’s from Silent Hill 2. ...Not bad.

Scarlet: Wake me up if it starts playing “Room of Angel” over shots of Celestia.

Crazy56U: So, wait, does mean the episode guest-stars Pyramid Head?

Trekker: The moment he starts humping mannequins, abort.



With the music still playing in the background, it showed Spike, the lovable purple baby dragon stitching something together in the darkness of the Library.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Ow! Why did I think stitching my claws into this pillow was a good idea?!”

SC276: Wait, I thought we were outside. We are suddenly in the library now. ...Suddenly, library!

Crazy56U: Well, given Spike’s crush on Rarity, it’s not entirely improbable that he knows “Art of the Dress” by heart...



"And done!" he said, the first few lines I heard throughout the whole episode.



NaturalGlitch: ...you mean the one that just started?

Scarlet: There was no opening sketch whatsoever, except these establishing shots.

Crazy56U: “And the last lines. The episode promptly ended.”



"I think Twilight Sparkle would be proud."



Sigma: “Too bad I’m sewing her up so she won’t be able to validate my need for attention.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Hey, Spike, what are you do- WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE COUCH?!”



Now you'd probably expect me to say something along the lines of "The quality of the episode was horrifically bad, the animation was rather choppy and the characters behaved oddly."



NaturalGlitch: “I much prefer the other cliches, thank you very much.”

Sigma: “Cliches like perfect quality and fluidity and hyperrealism.”

Scarlet: ...No, I really wouldn’t expect you to. Most Creepypasta aren’t about grainy videos.

Crazy56U: No, I expect you to mention how “hyper-realistic” everything is.

Topher: Denying creepypasta tropes, one of the most ironic creepypasta tropes out there. Cross that one off your card!



Well, truth be told, they didn't. The quality was perfect and the animation was fluid, as if the people behind MLP: FIM had sat down and took this thing seriously.



Sigma: ...two outta three ain’t bad.

Crazy56U: (begins eating meatloaf) Uh huh, keep telling yourself that, pal...



Spike was also in character too.



NaturalGlitch: Considering a lot of bronies think Cupcakes and Scootaloo’s Best Day Ever are in character, I’m always dubious whenever someone makes that claim about fan stuff.

Crazy56U: ...wait, I never heard of the second one… (looks up “Scootaloo’s Best Day Ever”) … (pulls out power drill, drills into brain)

SC276: “Your horrifically off versions of the characters match my headcanon perfectly!”

Sigma: “This will be PERFECT for my goreclop…”

JolloMD: “I DON’T WATCH MLP IT’S TOO GIRLY but Spike is totally in character.”



Anyway, the view then showed a pony. Not a normal, living pony, but a large, ragdoll-esque pony.



NaturalGlitch: I get it now; this is a Source animation, right?

Sigma: Dammit, not another SFM trollvid...

Crazy56U: Raggedy Ann?! What are you doing here?!

Trekker: Oh, that’s Tails Doll’s cousin, Pony Doll!



It was roughly the same size as a normal pony.



NaturalGlitch: So… almost twice as big as the ponies on the show? Or do you mean those tiny and really hairy ones?

Crazy56U: Huh, a pony-sized ragdoll? … It is Raggedy Ann!



It had black beads for eyes and its mouth had cross-stitches on it. Its coat was a dark purple, almost similar to that of Twilight Sparkle's.



NaturalGlitch: “It was the new generation of the Smarty Pants doll.”

Sigma: [Twilight] “To use the doll, you must BECOME the doll.”

Scarlet: [Spike] “I don’t foresee any reason this might cause anyone anguish or distress!”

Crazy56U: Spike’s making a Twilight Sparkle plushie to sell on eBay. Too bad Hasbro’s gonna kick him in the teeth for that...



I found this to be a rather odd sight. Where's Twilight Sparkle? Why is Spike making a ragdoll form of her? Unless the ragdoll is...



NaturalGlitch: “—about to clip through the geometry and crash Garry’s Mod—AGAIN.”

Sigma: Wait. How does he know anything about them anyway?

Crazy56U: Wait, is this turning into that one story where Rarity tries being Dr. Frankenstein?



"No. No, it can't be." I thought to myself and proceeded to keep on watching.



SC276: Were this my OC instead of Spike, you’d be horrified for completely different reasons.

Scarlet: Why, does your OC pull out organs and sew them into toys to bring them to life?

SC276: Actually, he just makes large plush toys of girls he wants to… for lack of a less creepy term, keep.

Crazy56U: (chokes back some puke) ...huh… All of a sudden, I feel the need to bathe in boiling hot water…

Topher: Keep on watching even after something is clearly up! Cross it off!



Throughout the episode, all I saw was Spike hanging about with the Twilight Sparkle ragdoll he made.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Oh wow, will Flash Sentry flip out when he sees this!”

Crazy56U: Who told you to mention him here?!

Sigma: It’s not like we’re violating a good thing by mentioning him. This thing was shit to begin with.



There was one scene in which he was reading an astronomy book with 'Twilight' and pointing at various things on the pages.



NaturalGlitch: Aww~ I wanted a book fort!

Scarlet: Sure. *dumps a large quantity of books on Glitch*

Crazy56U: “Wait, I thought Spike knew how to read…”



I kind of smirked at this, because I immediately thought of the music video for 'Busy' by Olly Murs.



Sigma: ...does anyone here get that reference? Because I don’t.

Crazy56U: Well, I tried looking it up on Youtube, and apparently the music video is non-existent. This is the closest thing I could find to one.

Scarlet: I immediately thought of my vast stuffed-animal collection. The ones that stare back at me every night from the attic.



Ya know? If you haven't seen it, Olly Murs makes a paper-mache woman and proceeds to talk to it, do things with it, as if it was a real human woman.



NaturalGlitch: “Maybe I should come over to your house and tattoo the answer right on your foreheads so you can get the reference.”

Sigma: I also don’t care.

Crazy56U: ...so, is it like “Pygmalion”, then?



At the end of that video, the woman DOES become real.



SC276: Or, y’know, the original Greek myth of Pygmalion. Know your classics.

Crazy56U: (pumps fist) CALLED IT!



Here however, the Twilight Sparkle ragdoll doesn't.



NaturalGlitch: This is like being in a theater with a guy telling you what’s about to happen.

RingmasterJ5: Ah, like The Catch’s comment section.

Crazy56U: So, given the implication that the “ragdoll” is Twilight’s corpse, does that mean this is more like “May” then?



Nothing really special happened throughout the episode. Just Spike going about his daily business with the Twilight Sparkle doll, all with the same cute, light-hearted music.



NaturalGlitch: All stolen from spooky games, I’m sure.

SC276: And another sucky Spike episode.

Scarlet: Truly, Akira Yamaoka is the most light-hearted of composers.

Crazy56U: Eh, it probably would’ve been better than “Princess Spike”, then...



They did everything. They read books, they walked around together (and by walked, I mean Spike carrying the doll on his back like a child would),



NaturalGlitch: Kinda like Calvin & Hobbes? ...why did I suddenly get an idea for a much better fanfic than this?

Sigma: Or… Let’s just read Calvin & Hobbes instead.

Crazy56U: (pulls out “The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes”) Waaaay ahead of you…

SC276: (pulls out “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes”) I’m so far ahead, I’m behind all of you. Mostly because these are heavy.

Fallen Prime: Great Scott.



Spike took requests from 'her' and so on.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “You want me to have all the jewels for breakfast? Say something if you don’t. ...AWESOME!”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “What’s that, Twilight? … You want me to burn down Sugarcube Corner? … Pinkie deserves it? ... Well, okay, if you say so!”

SC276: Insert Heavy reference here.

Sigma:

Crazy56U: Press X to Sandvich



He did everything with the doll, as if she was the real Twilight Sparkle. Nothing happened for much of the episode.



SC276: Sounds like one of those that would take me hours to finish because I kept pausing to go do something engaging.

Crazy56U: No one told Spike that they weren’t filming an episode that day, so Spike just dicked around with one of the cameras.

JolloMD: Why are you still watching this!? Nothing of note has happened since the beginning of the episode!



Well, that was until the last 5 minutes (not counting the credits).



NaturalGlitch: “A GWAR concert broke out.”

Sigma: “This immediately killed my boner.”

Crazy56U: Oh, is it time for spooks?!



Spike was sitting around a large table, drinking what looked like tea out of a small cup.

There was the sound of other ponies talking in the background, mostly the mane 6.



NaturalGlitch: The group that made a fighting game that was “totally” in the spirit of the show? I thought they had better things to do.

Sigma: Hey, Fighting is Magic still had good chances of being a quality game!

Scarlet: I’m more surprised someone who thought the show was “too girly” bothered to learn the unofficial fan nickname for the central cast.

Crazy56U: So, wait, Twilight isn’t dead? ...then why did he make a Twilight doll? He didn’t mention selling it, so what gives?



He was talking to various ponies, who were off screen of course.



Crazy56U: Uh oh, Spike snapped and is talking to ghosts...



"Really, me and Twilight want to thank you all so much for coming to our little tea party."



NaturalGlitch: I wonder what people are going to compare this moment to.

SC276: Oh good, I’m not the only one that thought that.

Crazy56U: (looks in his tea cup) This party sucks.



Spike said, pulling up the doll onto his knee as he mentioned Twilight.



NaturalGlitch: Ah, OK; Spike just wants to be like Jeff Dunham. ...EVERYBODY RUN! AGAIN!

Sigma: Oh great, does this mean we’re gonna deal with racist jokes about Saddle Arabians?

Crazy56U: (pulls out a lighter and some hairspray) Okay, enough of this tea party, who wants a barbecue?

SC276: I’m OK with either a grilled cheese sandwich or a hot dog. Or a burger, medium well.



I laughed a little, because hearing Spike say 'tea party' made me think of the Mad Hatter from Alice In Wonderland.



NaturalGlitch: “That’s when I heard knocks on glass. At first, I thought it was the window until I heard it come from the mirror again.”

Crazy56U: ...why do I have a feeling that’s going to bite you in the ass?



All that was missing was just some colourful clothing and a giant top hat with a '6/10' ticket inside it.



NaturalGlitch: “Don’t make me come over there and beat you with this hammer with the word ‘subtlety’ written on it!”

SC276: ...Um. “10/6.” The Hatter’s tag says “10/6.” I’m pretty sure Word wouldn’t autocorrect that.

Crazy56U: Well, in any case, this is still a better “Alice in Wonderland” adaptation than that Tim Burton movie…

Sigma: Apparently that’s actually a sequel to the cartoon adaptation. Still blows donkeys, though.



He then proceeded to say "I'm just so glad to have such good friends like yourselves. I mean-."

It was at this point, he stopped but the background noise kept going.



SC276: That’s what happens when you include uncalled-for periods.

Sigma: “If he listened to the background noise backwards, it told him to drink his ovaltine.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Uh… Um… (pulls out a script) Fuck, what’s my line again…”



I also noticed he was sniffing and his eyes were beginning to water.



NaturalGlitch: Who knew dragons could also get sinus colds?

Crazy56U: He just realized this episode sucks...



Suddenly, he reached over to a near-by tape recorder and hit a button on it.



NaturalGlitch: “He needs to give it back to the Spy anyway.”

SC276: I thought Equestria was still on vinyl records?

Scarlet: Apparently this is the gritty ‘80s reboot Equestria.

Crazy56U: And then we were serenaded with the music of Spike’s people...



All background audio, along with the music, stopped. He then sat back down, looking forlorn. He then looked at the Twilight doll and with a grunt, slapped it off his knee.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Ah! A giant bee! I’ll get it, Twilight!”

Crazy56U: Good God, Spike, what did she ever do to you?!



The doll fell to the floor and landed with a soft thump.

Spike then placed his face into his hands.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Twilight won't stop crying and screaming in the middle of the night. I visit her grave and ask her to stop, but it doesn’t help; it never does.”

Crazy56U: [Spike] “Man, this isn’t even my best work. I made much better ragdolls than this.”



The room was quiet for a short time, at least 5 seconds roughly, then I heard Spike crying.



NaturalGlitch: This is the part with the hyperrealistic eyes and the backward music, right?

Crazy56U: No, no, after watching the episode, the main character is usually dead. Hyper-realism only applies to the mysterious thing he discovered; that’s Creepypasta Cliche 101.

Topher: Character starts crying! All I need is a disturbing imagery flash and the word demonic and I’ll get bingo!



This wasn't the normal voice acting crying the voice actors and actresses would normal do, but more pained, as if his voice actress, Cathy Weseluck, was actually crying in Spike's voice.



NaturalGlitch: ...so, like how a voice actor would do.

SC276: If he’s not a fan, how does he know who voices Spike?

Crazy56U: Well, maybe he got bored on Wikipedia one night, I don’t know…



The next shot revealed the rest of the room and the reason Spike was crying.



NaturalGlitch: “Spike woke up to the sound of hammering. After that, he could barely hear the muffled sound of dirt covering the coffin over his own screams.”

Crazy56U: Onions. Onions everywhere.



Sat at the table with Spike were Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie & Fluttershy...

In the ragdoll form as Twilight Sparkle.



NaturalGlitch: All of them sown into one giant ragdoll? How’d the little guy carry that around? Dude must lift.

SC276: Is there a katamari underneath?

Crazy56U: Holy crap, I was kidding about Spike having a plushy-making hobby... ...seriously, he could make some real money with that... ...don’t know why he’s crying about it…

Sigma: He forgot to put the fake vaginas in them.

Crazy56U: (punches you hard enough to leave a dent in your skull) Quiet.

Sigma: This is just the internet. You can’t harm me!



There was also a clump of lint, a bag of flour, a pile of rocks, a bucket full of turnips



NaturalGlitch: … (slams his face into his desk verbatim)

Crazy56U: Oh, god DAMN it...

Scarlet: Is it bad I’m disappointed the dolls didn’t contain organs?

Crazy56U: No, you SHOULD be disappointed. Instead of doing that, this “episode” is ripping off a better episode. BOOOO!



& Gummy, Pinkie Pie's toothless aligator. I immediately thought of 'Party Of One' when I saw all this.



NaturalGlitch: (continues smashing his face)

SC276: STOP READING MY MIND, FIC!!

Scarlet: “But guys, this show is TOO GIRLY for me.”

Crazy56U: (louder) BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sigma: HOLD UP! I thought he never watched MLP! HOW would he be able to reference Party of One?!

SC276: We have been asking that the entire time, Sigma. Try to keep up.

Sigma: I’m too busy laughing to keep up.

Topher: Referencing a specific episode of the show to seem more real? Wow, I really didn’t expect this bingo game to work.



I then noticed that the music had changed. Instead of the cheery, light-hearted music that played throughout most of the episode, it was a sad piano song.



SC276: Was it anything like this?

Crazy56U: No, I think the piano music was more like this.



I felt really sorry for Spike here. I've never been in that situation but I could imagine how much it sucked being so much of a loner,



NaturalGlitch: “So much of a loner that he knows everypony’s name by heart.”

Scarlet: Spike lives wild and free on the open road, answering to neither man nor God.

Crazy56U: Well, since I already brought up one Avenue Q song in this...



that you have to make giant ragdolls the size of people and talk to them.



SC276: Yeah, at least my guy didn’t have his go bigger than 18 inches.

Scarlet: ...What? You mean not even you had organ-dolls? Damn it! I feel so empty inside right now!

NaturalGlitch: So you feel like… a ragdoll? I KNEW IT! Sound the alarm; it’s in here with us!

Crazy56U: Uh…



He sat crying in his chair with his ragdoll friends for about 10 seconds.



NaturalGlitch: “I keep a stopwatch with me at all times and timed it.”

Crazy56U: [timing intensifies]

Sigma: “It’s a shame when your only friends are empty physics models from the source engine.”



Then, something, I thought, unexpected occurred.



SC276: The fic became good?

Scarlet: According to the ninth wingding-document, his parents walked in after discovering the notebook he used to draft the first part of document seven. I suppose that explains the code.

Crazy56U: Oh, God, please don’t say the ragdolls start talking to him… You can only rip off “Party of One” so much, for fucks sake…

JolloMD: Suddenly, the ragdoll physics flipped the fuck out!



Another voice entered the scene. "Spike? Are you okay?" It sounded like Twilight Sparkle.



NaturalGlitch: “Remember: I do not watch this girly show.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Spike, Pinkie wants to know why you stole her ‘imaginary friends’, and I kinda don’t want to know what that means…”



Spike must not have heard her in his depressed state because he kept on crying. Then, I saw a white hoof holding a diamond appear on screen.



NaturalGlitch: [pony] “Can you make sure this isn’t a false diamond?”

Crazy56U: [Rarity] “Does Rarity have to cut a bitch?”



Spike looks up towards the hoof. "Guys?" he asked. Almost immediately afterwards, the view turned to reveal the mane 6, all in their living forms.



NaturalGlitch: [mane 6] “Brains...”

Sigma: Judging by the writing, there are no brains involved here.

Crazy56U: (buries face in hands) STOP RIPPING OFF “PARTY OF ONE”.



Spike's frown slowly turned into a wide smile.



Crazy56U: Spike realized he finally snapped, and he didn’t care.



He then leapt from the chair into their forearms.

The next scene that followed was of Spike playing in a field with all his friends. Usually, this would be the point where the letter to Celestia would be spoken over narration.



NaturalGlitch: “I do not like this show, but I have all the merch behind me on my altar.”

Crazy56U: Please, like Celestia would bother being in this? She’s probably on a smoke break…

Trekker: [Celestia] “Luna! Where have you put my 420s again?!”



However, this wasn't the case in this episode. It was just Spike and the Mane 6 playing for the rest of the episode, about 2 minutes before fading to black.



NaturalGlitch: “That’s when Sonic.EXE popped out of nowhere and spooked my guts out!”

Crazy56U: ...suddenly, Suicide Mouse?

Sigma: And let the Five Nights at Freddy’s crossovers roll.

Trekker: Why FNAF?

Fallen Prime: You haven’t been following FIMFic trends, have you?



Then, the credits began to roll like normal. I thought it was a weird episode but enjoyable.



Crazy56U: (holds up finger)



That was, until the credits ended.



Crazy56U: (puts down finger) There it is.



After the last piece of credits went by, a message popped-up on the screen. It read 'You've seen the missing episode, and now you're going to die.'



RingmasterJ5: “That’s it? What a gyp. Give me my bandwidth back.”

Scarlet: ...that’s it? It’s a shitty Ring video?

Crazy56U: “Aw, come on, I’m already dead inside, why do I need to die more?!”

Topher: Ripping off The Ring/deadly haunted video! Cross it!

Trekker: Wow, that was surprisingly straight forward for a creepypasta.

[Pasta] ”Okay you know the deal. SCREEEEEE!”



What was this? The normal episodes don't end like this.



RingmasterJ5: Rainbow Rocks did, but nobody actually watched that through to the end.

NaturalGlitch: (coughs embarrassingly) U-Um… yeah…

Crazy56U: Well, then.

JolloMD: Wait, what show have I been watching then?



And is someone trying to copy Knife Party with this statement?



SC276: Is it bad if I don’t get half the references? ...an Australian electronic dance music duo? Do they threaten to kill the people that listen to their music, what?

Scarlet: To be fair, they are called “Knife Party.”

Fallen Prime: “You blocked me on Facebook...”

Crazy56U: That… sounds like a shitty party.

Sigma: Sounds less like a party and more like the shittiest massacre attempt of all time.

Trekker: I’d prefer a Lemonparty.

Crazy56U: (chokes back puke) I’d rather not.



Anyway, it then cut back to the Mane 6 and Spike in the field they were playing in. Except here, it was at night.



NaturalGlitch: “Fooled you!”

Crazy56U: Calling it now: Nightmare Moon returned.

Sigma: Someone played the Sun’s Song while we weren’t looking.

Crazy56U: DAMN IT LINK!



All of them were facing away from the camera, towards the ground.



SC276: So, doing a me imitation then.

Crazy56U: (sighs) Here we go...



Then, almost at the same time, they all turned to face the view, but their faces, my god their faces. They were horrible.



RingmasterJ5: They were their old G3 selves again.

SC276: And suddenly the Rubber Cement ending of Binding of Isaac: Rebirth.

Crazy56U: (shivers)



Now you're expecting me to say something like 'Their eyes were hyper-realistic and blood was dripping from their eyes.' or 'They had parts of their flesh slowly peeling away as if they were slowly becoming zombies' or something like that.



NaturalGlitch: (sips on kool-aid in a wine glass) “I am too high class for that.”

Scarlet: You have once chance. If they’re all evil ragdolls, it’s at least a consistent theme. If not-

Crazy56U: And, let me guess, they are hyper-realistic? Because you have no creativity?



Well, honestly if you thought that, you're not too far off. The eyes WERE hyper-realistic,



SC276: Aaaaaand Glitch called it.

Crazy56U: Not just Glitch. (sighs)

Sigma: I think I hear a phone or two ringing!

Topher: To be honest, I don’t know why I didn’t make “Hyper-Realistic” the free space.

Trekker: It’s like you can’t have “2spoopy4me” stuff without it. Even FNAF has it.



but they weren't bloody like say Squidward's Suicide portrayed them.



NaturalGlitch: “They were different but the same!”

Trekker: How does that even work? That sounds like a quote from JoJo or something!

Scarlet: -aaaand you blew it. Congratulations, somehow you have managed to come in under-standard for Creepypasta.

Crazy56U: The creator of “Squidward’s Suicide” is rolling in their grave.



Instead, they all had yellow irises whilst the rest of their eyes were Prussian blue, giving the impression the characters were possessed.



NaturalGlitch: “And then a tall man wearing a black—I mean, um, gray suit with no face appeared!”

SC276: You specifically thought of Prussian blue instead of just dark blue, or just plain blue? What do they teach in those British secondary schools?

Crazy56U: “Or, they were wearing contacts, either way…”

Sigma: “Or maybe they just had some really weird drugs.”



Imagine Flippy from Happy Tree Friends when he flips out and replace the white with the blue.



SC276: I am, and it looks nothing like what you described earlier. Double-checking now in case my memory is failing me… Oh, the irises were yellow. I… would not call Flippy’s irises yellow. Well, not yellow yellow, more of a dark yellow YES I AM STALLING FOR TIME.

Crazy56U: Keep stalling, please? ...please?

SC276: I CAN ONLY THINK OF SO MUCH TO TYPE.

Crazy56U: GIBBERISH! JUST TYPE GIBBERISH!

Topher: I’M ON IT! *Shoots himself in the head, flops forward* qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq



Suddenly, the screen went black and I heard evil laughter.



SC276: Sounded remarkably like Freddy’s, even though that’s two years later.

Sigma: Freddy Krueger or Freddy Fuckboy?

Trekker: Both. Don’t ask how.

Scarlet: “The video then transitioned into the opening of ‘Feel Good, Inc.”

Crazy56U: [Nelson] “HAW HAW!”

Topher: Evil laughter and mood whiplash! Another square bites the dust!



The screen then snapped back and it showed the characters far away from the monitor, their heads facing the ground with blood-curling screams of various voices in the background.



NaturalGlitch: “I assumed this was a glitch and kept on playing.”

Crazy56U: “They were screaming in agony after having read this story.”

Topher: Background Screams! And another one’s gone, and another one’s gone and another square bites the dust!



Some sounded like my friends and family, others sounded like celebrities (At one point, I thought I heard Nicolas Cage's scream among the voices)



SC276: The Wilhelm scream was repeated like fifty times.

Scarlet: ...The tenth wingding-doc indicates a disturbing fascination with Cage. Well, I suppose that line makes sense now.

Crazy56U: Hands down, Nicolas Cage’s best role.

Trekker: “NOT THE BEES, NOT THE BEES! AHH, THEY’RE IN MY EYES!”

Sigma: Meh. He won’t have a best role till he portrays a sentient breadroll.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s easy: have someone Kickstart the “I Am Bread” movie, which is a thing I’m sure will happen by 2020...



and some didn't even sound human. Every so often, there would be static and through the static, a disturbing picture would be shown.



NaturalGlitch: “It was my birthday picture again! I swear that wet stain on my pants was the punch I spilled!”

Crazy56U: Yep, the most disturbing picture of them all… Viewer discretion is advised…

Topher: Static! BINGO!



After every interval, the characters would inch closer to the screen, like in Slender.



NaturalGlitch: (arms bolt into the air) OH COME THE FUCK ON!

SC276: This guy clearly has minimal experience. Both the character and the author.

Crazy56U: Even Slender would think this story sucks, dude, you aren’t impressing anyone.



I remember some of those pictures among the static. One was the scene from 'Ghost Rider' where Nicolas Cage turns into Ghost Rider whilst laughing manically.



Sigma: Seriously, was this just a Cage praisefic that got sidetracked?

Crazy56U: Not that that’s a bad thing, but still…

Trekker: Still waiting for a priest to grab a girl’s buttocks and look like he wants to eat you.



That scene, even to this day, scares the life out of me.



NaturalGlitch: “And that’s why I have no life.”

Scarlet: ...I’d be willing to accept an explanation of this being a deliberately bad parody pasta.

Crazy56U: But, that scene’s funny, not scary...



Another was a picture of a mummy with its bandages removed, revealing its skull with little bits of rotting flesh on it. Another was of a girl lying back in a chair dead, with a knife imbedded into her head. She looked about 7-12 years old.



NaturalGlitch: “Or maybe 14-65. Look, it happened so quickly and I was scared out of my mind, OK?”

Scarlet: Oh fuck me, we get it. It’s The Ring. You can stop now, Sadako thinks you’re trying too hard.

Crazy56U: (holds up a “Trying Too Hard” card)

Topher: Flashing up disturbing imagery, a classic creepypasta cliche! Cross it!



This was awful to look at. Would you find it horrible if you saw a dead child brutally murdered somehow?



RingmasterJ5: I mean, I have at least 600 hours total in the Binding of Isaac series, so...

NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t this guy—oh, I don’t know—call the police about this?!

SC276: Did the Internet Police even exist in 2012?

Crazy56U: Insert FNAF joke here.

Trekker: [Freddy Fuckboy]: “inhale my dong enragement child”



I'm sure there was millions more, but I can't remember them all.



NaturalGlitch: “I passed out. ...I also seem to have, uh, dropped my punch onto my pants again.”

SC276: There were also a couple of screenshots of Pixels. Thank god that never came to pass AW FUCK.

Crazy56U: You mean we could have prevented it?!?!

Sigma: Sony could’ve prevented it by telling Adam Sandler to stop making shit, but sadly, it’s Sony.

JolloMD: “There were millions of pictures displayed in the few minutes left of the episode. The FPS was incredible.”



Eventually, they were right up close to the screen.



SC276: This is the part where they go SKREEEEEEE!!

Sigma: Skree? When did they become Saibamen?

Crazy56U: I’m pretty sure this isn’t the kind of close-up they wanted. (ba-dum-tish)

Trekker: “Goddamnit! Someone blew Yamcha up again!”



The order they were in from closest to furthest was Spike, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and finally Fluttershy.



NaturalGlitch: Scared yet, folks? Maybe next he’ll count the times he inhales.

Trekker: [Toy Freddy] “Inhale.”

SC276: Who even remembers that kind of detail?!

Crazy56U: Ask the narrator of “Sonic.EXE”.

Sigma: Yeah, sure, after I get cancer.



They all then lifted their heads to reveal their faces. This time, they had blood pouring out of their mouths,



Crazy56U: So, in other words, this is the story of a day where there was all this blood.



each lined with sharp teeth and there were flames coming out of their eyes.



RingmasterJ5: And suddenly it was Twisted Metal. Or at least Rocket League with the Sweet Tooth car.

SC276: I don’t think there’s an official onomatopoeia for FNAF4’s cry yet. Still inserting it here.

Crazy56U: (the “Trying Too Hard” card bursts into flames) ...that cost me $5 at Kinkos, you assholes…

Topher: Body horror, cross it off!

Trekker: Not-so-subtle Ghost Rider references are not very subtle.



There was a massive clash of piercing screams and demonic roars.



SC276: ...Eh, close enough.

Scarlet: I don’t get why this is scary. So Twilight and the girls decided to put together an intro for a death metal video. It happens.

NaturalGlitch: Check out the Mane Six’s next hit song: Honey is Bee Puke!

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES!

Topher: DEMONIC AND A JUMPSCARE! DOUBLE BINGO!



I screamed my lungs out at the sight of their faces.



NaturalGlitch: You should probably try to find a way of putting those back inside; you might need them.

SC276: Just the faces? The sound had nothing to do with it?

Scarlet: “JESUS FUCK JUMPSCARE”

Crazy56U: Man, it’s going to take forever to get those lungs back inside him!



I threw off my headphones and flung them at the screen. All it did was just nudged it back a bit.



NaturalGlitch: PHEW! Man! I was so worried about his monitor, you guys!

SC276: Were flatscreens a thing in 2012? I think they were? Because an old CRT would’ve bounced those things back in his face.

Trekker: Unless if he uses a 3D Flat Internet-capable TV screen. Then it probably shatters into a million pieces. I know...

Crazy56U: Well, now the monitor has grounds to sue your ass...



I jumped back so hard from the shock, the back of my chair broke and I fell to the floor.



NaturalGlitch: “I then broke through my floor, then the next floor, then the next...”

SC276: If he fell backwards into the House of Leaves, I will laugh so much.

Crazy56U: Too bad no one opened a door. Now you can’t do the dinosaur.



After I hit the floor, the room went black. I then stood up in time to catch my monitor giving me a blue screen of death.



Crazy56U: “DAMNIT WINDOWS VISTA!”

Topher: Computer crash, cross it!



I tried to turn it back on, but it wouldn't. So, I just went to bed.



NaturalGlitch: “My bed still has stains from the time a butterfly flew into my room. I haven’t open that window since then.”

Crazy56U: “Hmm… won’t turn on. ...eh, that’s enough troubleshooting for one night. BED TIME!”



The following morning, I woke up and tried to turn my computer on. This time, I was successful, but all my shortcuts to various games, programs etc. were all gone from the desktop.



NaturalGlitch: Maybe your delete function was hooked up to the “scream like a shrill baby” microphone.

SC276: I hate when Windows stealth-updates in the middle of the night.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s what you get for screaming like a Youtube scarecam Let’s Player...



It was just the link to the video I watched the night before. I showed it to my brother, but to my suprise, it didn't show the ending that I saw with the demonic characters or anything. It played the credits and that was it. The end. They



RingmasterJ5: since his brother is apparently more than one person,

Scarlet: Inconsistent narrators- the true horror.

NaturalGlitch: Hear it’s cry!

Crazy56U: The narrator’s brother must have multiple souls in his body, like in that story involving Love Glasses I’ve completely forgotten about…

Topher: Evidence gone by morning. Cross it off!



just shook it off as me trying to play a joke on them and didn't believe me when I insisted I saw what I saw.

I thought it would be over after all that. I was wrong.



NaturalGlitch: Tell us about it.

Crazy56U: DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!



Over the summer holidays, I've had nothing but misfortune follow me where ever I go. At first, I began to lose minor things like money or some Pokemon cards I've collected all my life.



NaturalGlitch: “How am I supposed to live without my Pikachu card if I can’t kiss it every night?!”

SC276: That’s what happens when you don’t keep your things organized.

Scarlet: Look, if I lost a Charizard I’d be sad too. If I was ten.

Crazy56U: Wait, is this going to turn into a Pokemon Creepypasta, too?



But then it escalated. I began getting sick more often, I'd get hurt one way or another, my computer would catch a virus and so on.



NaturalGlitch: Is this kid an amnesiac bubble boy and wandered outside?

Scarlet: “The video had cursed me with a really shitty Monday.”

Crazy56U: Yeah, I don’t think the spooky episode has anything to do with that, buckwheat...



Eventually it got so bad, that one night in late July, whilst everyone was asleep, I put the video file onto a memory stick, took it outside and smashed it to pieces with my dad's sledgehammer.



NaturalGlitch: “It was the curse; I swear!”

Crazy56U: He wanted to be our sledgehammer. Why don’t we call his name?

Topher: Destroying the disk/cartridge! DOUBLE BINGO!



After that, my luck began to turn.



SC276: That’s it? That’s all it takes? You couldn’t just… delete it?

Crazy56U: Given that this is a Creepypasta, I’m pretty sure that would cause Spike and his plushies to enter the real world. ...which, now that I think about it, is probably how this will end...



I was finding things I had lost, I began to feel better, I was able to fix my computer, etc.



NaturalGlitch: “I was able to talk to that cute girl without throwing up on her too much.”



I also got an enrollment at this nice little college not far from home.

But then came 16th August, which the curse, if it actually IS a curse, returned.



SC276: August 16th: Revenge of the Curse! Coming soon to a theater near you!



From what my family told me, I attacked Britney with a part of my shelf.



RingmasterJ5: “Apparently they meant that I attacked her with a part of myself, but we’ve both spent the last few months repressing that particular memory.”

NaturalGlitch: “I didn’t even know ears could do that!”

SC276: Who’s Britney again? ...oh right, the sister. I couldn’t be bothered to remember earlier. Since when do Creepypastas name people…?

Crazy56U: Oops, he did it again. He played with your heart, got lost in the (dodges brick) game.



But what happened from my perspective was that Britney came into my room one night (I think it was to tell me to turn my computer's volume down or something), but all I saw was that demonic Spike holding his Twilight Sparkle ragdoll.



NaturalGlitch: “All the menace evaporated when the ragdoll made a squee sound.”

Crazy56U: [Britney] “Okay, dude, seriously, will you turn that crap down-”

[Gerald] “ARUGHBLAUGHSPIKEPLUSHIEAHHH”

[Britney] “...did you get into Dad’s pills again?”



I picked up my nearest weapon, which was a shelf piece I couldn't be bothered to put up,



SC276: Gheeze, you’re lazier than me.

Crazy56U: Well, to be technical, your fists count as weapons. ...hell, so do your feet. ...then again, I think you would punch/kick with the same force as a baby…

Trekker: Maybe if he starts screaming “ORAORAORA”, his punch would be stronger.



and struck Spike repeatedly.



NaturalGlitch: “But since Spike can survive lava and being swatted by gigantic dragons like it’s nothing, all I was doing was giving him a massage.”

Crazy56U: He failed to notice that the shelf piece broke after the first swing, but...



When Josh pulled me away, I saw Britney cowering on the floor, shielding her face.



SC276: Why was her face so low to the ground? How big do you think Spike is, author?

Crazy56U: I find it funny that it’s not mentioned that this attack hurt her. That means my baby theory might be true.



I insisted I saw Spike, but nobody believed me. Now, Britney thinks I'm a total psycho.



NaturalGlitch: Those cannon fodder enemies from Borderlands?

Scarlet: That explains why she shot him the next morning.

Crazy56U: Well, Gerald, this is a feeling she’s had for a while. She just didn’t vocalize it until now...



Trust me! I saw Spike and his Twilight Doll! You've got to believe me!



NaturalGlitch: So...no dates on these? Is this one large text file or a computer diary?

RingmasterJ5: Apparently one large text file he was typing out right before… well, you’ll see.

SC276: Who are you even addressing?

Crazy56U: His computer, as he types this. It’s the only friend he has left, and even it doesn’t like him...



Anyway, my luck just got worse. I began having panic attacks, I saw the demonic characters out of the corners of my eyes and so on.



NaturalGlitch: He must’ve got into the “Soy Sauce” by accident.

RingmasterJ5: At least it’s better than getting into the Soy Milk. I don’t care what anyone says, the tear rate doesn’t make up for the damage lost.

Scarlet: John Dies At The End is too good for this story. Never reference it again.

NaturalGlitch: (sulks over into a corner while sad music plays)

Crazy56U: Wait, I thought you were referencing that one Strong Bad Email… I mean, that made more sense to me given how I think Gerald going to start ranting about going to the Moon soon...



It got so bad, Josh and Britney decided to move out of the house and stay with their friends. Now, I only have my parents to look after me.



NaturalGlitch: “But they never talk. Always smiling, never blinking and so...huggable!”

Scarlet: Glitch gets to write the replacement story again.

Crazy56U: Uh huh, keep telling yourself that… Like your parents are going to put up with your insanity...



What about now? My parents left the house at half-past 4 in the afternoon and told me they'll be back by 8. It's now 15 minutes to 11 and they STILL haven't returned.



NaturalGlitch: [Dad] “How were we supposed to know The Hobbit was going to be that long?!”

SC276: I never could sit through those dang extended editions…

Sigma: Seriously? That’s the only way I watch the Middle-earth movies.

Crazy56U: Damn that Martin Freeman! How dare he be a convincing Bilbo...



I've tried to get some sleep but everything I've seen and done until now still haunts me in my sleep.



NaturalGlitch: Try beating your own face with the chunk of shelf that just appears when you need it.

Crazy56U: If you want to sleep that bad, just stick a fork into an electrical socket. That will put you to sleep in no time!



I'm really starting to worry. My family knows what's been happening to me, my friends know what's been happening, the police also got informed about what's going on, but I'm mostly scared something I do will get someone hurt like it did with Britney.



NaturalGlitch: “But she wanted me to hit her one more time!”

SC276: It’s possible to check yourself into an asylum, right? Creepypasta worlds need more therapists.

Sigma: “They told me to leave Britney alone, and maybe I should’ve listened!”

Crazy56U: Okay, if you get to reference a terrible meme, then so do I!



Not only that, but I've been hearing voices and stuff all the time I'm alone. In fact, right now I hear gentle tapping outside the front door but I'm too scared to answer it.



NaturalGlitch: “Oh, it’s just my very large and creepy looking clown doll that I don’t remember buying.”

Crazy56U: Clowns.

Topher: For those following along on the creepypasta bingo, that counts under “scratching/footsteps.” bingo. yaaaay.



Wait. What was that? Oh my god, it's getting closer! I don't know what it is, but it's getting closer!



NaturalGlitch: So...why are you still typing? In fact, why didn’t you send all this as an email or something?

SC276: Perhaps he was dictating.

Crazy56U: It’s probably Britney, armed with a piece of your shelf.



I can hear it knocking at my door! Please Someone! Call the police! I don't want to die young! I haven't evesdgvbfkwrgvieruvbri8rsege i.



RingmasterJ5: He didn’t actually die there, he just fell asleep on the keyboard.

Scarlet: Thus ends Gerald- eaten by incoherent typing.

Crazy56U: If he was going down, the keyboard was going down with him.





* * *





Fingerprints were discovered on the victim's keyboard, leading us to believe the victim was pulled away from the computer before being murdered.



NaturalGlitch: Wait—I thought he died from brain hemorrhaging.

RingmasterJ5: And how do fingerprints on the keyboard indicate he was pulled away from it? Who the fuck knows, we have shitty villain monologue to get to.

Scarlet: “There was no evidence of assault.”

Crazy56U: Yeah, and also- wait, “shitty villain monologue”?



According to our research,



SC276: “-which we won’t elaborate on here, since it’s scientifically impossible to perform-”

Crazy56U: “which is just the words ‘Fuck this story.’ repeated for 15 pages, ”



this file was left abandoned until 11:30PM when a mysterious person, who doesn't seem to resemble Gerald,



SC276: How do you know what the guy looks like?

Crazy56U: Well, he’s a person with arms and legs, that much is for sure.



continues typing the document.



NaturalGlitch: “It reads: ‘As I pushed my thumbs into her eye sockets, it occurred to me that my cheating husband may have been right. It was amazing to feel her from the inside.’”

Crazy56U: Now, wait a tick, who would be sadistic enough to continue this piece of-





* * *





Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Spike.



NaturalGlitch: I knew he didn’t die at the end of Cowboy Bebop!

Scarlet: Nah, it’s a Creepypasta. He did.

Sigma: GOD DAMMIT GLITCH YOU FUCKING SPOILED BEBOP FOR ME!

Crazy56U: ...o-oh… ...oh God no...



I'm Twilight Sparkle's baby dragon assistant from the show My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “And I… (sniff) ...am addicted to gems.”

Scarlet: “ARE YOU NOT FRIGHTENED?”

Crazy56U: Please don’t tell me we’re doing this...



I'm also the one who's doing you readers a favour and letting you know what's going on right now.



SC276: Aren’t you generous.

Crazy56U: We’re doing this.



Gerald Young is dead.



Sigma: “He said nothing was too kinky for him, but…”

Crazy56U: We’re fucking doing this.



He's currently lying on his bed right now. It looks kind of cute,



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “With his Fluttershy pajamas on. Dude swears he doesn’t watch the show. Who’s he fooling, am I right?”

Scarlet: First genuinely creepy moment- “awww, look at the cute dead kid! I just wanna snuggle him!”

Crazy56U: Why are we fucking doing this.



he almost looks like he's sleeping, besides his eyes being open.



Sigma: “But hey, I ain’t complainin’. Makes fucking ‘em easier.”

Crazy56U: WHY ARE WE FUCKING DOING THIS?!



Regardless, there's more to Gerald then you people already know.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “He can chew on his own toenails. It’s true!”

Crazy56U: Doubtful. Also, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!

Scarlet: Because we read the forbidden creepypasta. Now we have to suffer through hyper-realistic shitty resolutions.



You see, ever since he was young, Gerald has a small case of schizophrenia. So small in fact, you won't notice it from him, as if he doesn't have it at all.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “And my claws keep poking holes into these keys. Oh well.”

SC276: Is this one of those cases where the guy thinks he’s mentally ill because of what he read on the Internet and didn’t tell anyone?

Crazy56U: Oh, of fucking COURSE he was crazy! We’ve already managed to reach rock bottom with this, why NOT toss down a shovel?!



The video he watched actually never exists and his 'curse' actually was his own doings.



NaturalGlitch: Thanks for sucking away any mystery for the readers, author. Wait, no—this creepypasta always sucked.

Crazy56U: All this is making think of is the twist to “Fight Club”. Did you rip off “Fight Club”?!

JolloMD: “He was crazy and none of it actually happened, but I’m real somehow.”



All those things he'd lose?



Sigma: “It was actually ME! Dio Brando!”

Crazy56U: Not even Dio would be crazy enough to subject us to this bit of what-the-fuck…

Scarlet: [Dio] I, Dio, would never debase myself by typing such a resolution in word processor! I would claim responsibility by throwing a vehicle at the house with my name signed on it!

Trekker: From an ambiguously gay vampire, that’s debatable.



He would purposely take them out of the place he'd usually keep them and hide them somewhere in his house. And all his illness and injuries? He did those himself.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “The big guy even tried to pin me with the sledgehammer incident. What a kook!”

SC276: The author literally just tried to make a creepypasta out of Happy Tree Friends’ “Double Whammy” two-parter and paint MLP on it. ...I’ve seen worse.

Crazy56U: Oh my God, you are! You ARE ripping off “Fight Club”! WHAT IS THIS?!

Fallen Prime: If either of you are right, then the twist is... this was secretly a crossover.



He'd take strong medication from his bathroom cabinet until he became ill. He would purposely throw himself in harm's way and claim it was all an accident.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Like walking around in black socks and sandals.”

SC276: How did no one else notice he was doing those things?

Scarlet: Remember, his schizophrenia was too small to notice.

SC276: I’m pretty sure that if there was strong medication in the house, it was prescription and whoever needed it would notice it running out so fast.

Crazy56U: Hey, I don’t know, given this story, nobody probably gave enough of a crap to notice these things. Spike is giving an evil monologue right now, the sky’s the limit!



I'm suprised he hadn't killed himself doing so! He would also search up and download viruses too.



NaturalGlitch: No, that’s called looking up porn.

Scarlet: Based on documents eleven and twelve, he was producing that just fine on his own.

SC276: ...wait, if it’s Wingdings, wouldn’t decoding just be changing the font?

Scarlet: …..In a manner of speaking, yes.

Fallen Prime: GODDAMMIT I TRUSTED YOU.

Crazy56U: Okay, no, I HIGHLY DOUBT his schizophrenia would make him do that dear GOD what is this making me type?!



I've watched him throughout his mental breakdown and eventually, he got so caught up in his 'curse', he took a memory stick, which was empty, out to his garden and destroyed it, thinking it had the file.



NaturalGlitch: This summary should’ve been how long the creepypasta lasted; it’s just about as scary.

Crazy56U: And yet it makes just as much sense!



What he doesn't know is that all the time he thought he was watching the video, he was really watching his screen with the computer turned off.



RingmasterJ5: ...so he had his brother(s?) watch a blank screen that was supposed to be a lost My Little Pony episode for twenty minutes, complete with him saying that there used to be a creepy alternate ending that wasn’t there now… and he was allowed to keep living as normal for the next few months and wasn’t immediately sent to therapy/a mental asylum. Makes sense.

SC276: How old is the brother again? 23? Yeah, they wouldn’t sit through a blank screen for 22 minutes, no matter what the guy said.

Scarlet: Actually, he never had a brother. IT ALL MAKES absolutely no sense, but I’ll take what I can get.

Crazy56U: I swear, the longer this monologue goes on, the more I feel my brain frying from this…

SC276: Would you take offense, then, if I cooked an egg on your scalp?

Crazy56U: Call a doctor first, then we’ll talk…

Trekker: Sitting in front of noth-OH COME ON! YOU JUST HAVE TO RIP OFF ANOTHER PASTA, DIDN’T YOU!



Anyway, after he destroyed the memory stick, his schizophrenia levels lowered and he went back to his normal self.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “His sanity meter dropped, but so did his magic level.”

Sigma: “Told the idiot to take some Ethers, but NOOOO, I have MP cost reducers! Shows what he knew.”

Crazy56U: Uh… Eternal Darkness joke… I-I don’t… I don’t know anymore...



Until that one night he attacked his sister. That was his schizophrenia. Everything he writes about above is due to his schizophrenia. And the parents going missing?



NaturalGlitch: ...missing for a few extra hours?

Crazy56U: Wait, did he imagine that too?!



Their car had broken down and they were getting it fixed. That gave me the perfect time for me to come out of my hidding place, his garden, and finish him off.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “It’s a tough job, but someone needed to pull all the crabgrass out.”

SC276: So wait, not only is he schizophrenic, but there’s another separate entity involved? That identifies as a fictional baby dragon? This is like the times I imagine a vigilante against the Man going by the name of Bowser Jr.

Crazy56U: So why didn’t you finish him off before?! Did you really have to wait for him to go mental to do so?!

Scarlet: I’m just sad I can’t make “hidding place” any funnier than it already is.



You've read what happened to 1 victim. But just imagine what I can do to you.



NaturalGlitch: Eat all my food?

SC276: Put numerals in my prose?

Sigma: Make me read this creepypasta?! OH GOD, THE TORTURE!

Crazy56U: (grabs head) Buddy, I already know what you can do to me. Dear God, I think I’m going insane right now…

Trekker: Come get some. I doubt you can breathe in subspace.



Yes, I'm talking to YOU reader. I'll come for you. First, you'll feel paranoid, then you'll start doing things that you wouldn't normally do.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Like tipping your waitress 30%! Muahahahaha!”

Crazy56U: Why is he still monologuing?!

Trekker: Because he have a Lv.9 in Cliche-ism, and by god he’s gonna use it!



Finally, I'll come and kill you by any means neccessary. And guarantee you won't find me.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Gummy taught me all his ninja skills!”

SC276: I can find you. I just have to find all the misspelled words in this thing.

Crazy56U: You’re a fucking baby dragon in the modern day! I THINK I CAN FIND YOU!

Scarlet: Unfortunately, the wisdom debuffs from reading this pasta will severely impair all our spot checks. He may have a point.

Trekker: [Spike] “I have a particular set of skills. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.





I can be anywhere. I could be in your car's boot.



Topher: Okay, there’s been too much Britain in this story. Just a moment. *inhales* BALDEAGLEHAMBURGERSEXPLOSIONFREEDOMGREATBIGCARSFUCKYEAH! Ok, ‘merica levels restored. Proceed.



I could be in your attic. I could be in your waldrobe.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I could be checking myself out in the mirror wearing your undies!”

SC276: Well if you’re in my closet, tough luck. That thing has so much stuff in front of it, I forget it’s there sometimes!

Crazy56U: Could you be in my toilet, where other crap belongs, please?

Trekker: [Spike] “I’m never coming out of the closet.” Yeah buddy, you go sit in there with Foxy.



I could even be just outside your window, watching you as you read this.



Sigma: HA! Jokes on you! My windows are blocked!

Crazy56U: In that case! (smashed window next to me) HA!

Trekker: HA! Joke’s on you! My house DOESN’T have windows!



But know this, some day I'll get you. Maybe tomorrow, maybe tonight, but I'm gonna get you.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “I’ll be so adorable you’ll have no choice but feed me all the ice cream!”

SC276: “I AM ALREADY HERE”

Crazy56U: (rubs temples) Oh, piss off…

Topher: Ok, I’m busy tonight and tomorrow, how’s next Tuesday?



Sincerely, Spike The Dragon.

P.S: Don't bother running from me. Once I have you in my sights, there's no getting away.



NaturalGlitch: [Spike] “Unless you take a few steps away. My legs are short, OK?”

SC276: He does realize his hit list now consists of the entirety of Scotland Yard now, right?

Sigma: Good luck with Sherlock not fucking his shit up.

Crazy56U: I… I think part of me died just now…

SC276: You… probably missed a couple other guys in the chat saying how stupid the ending was.

Crazy56U: ...I could’ve learned in advance? (eyes tear up) I-I could’ve been better prepared? … … (begins crying)





* * *





Police forces are still on the case of this unexplained death.

If you have any information regarding Gerald Young's death, please contact your local police department.



NaturalGlitch: He didn’t play any haunted video games or scary rom hacks who give him suicidal urges, so I can’t help you out.

Scarlet: I want to help, but I’m too busy trying to recover from the gut I burst laughing at Spike wanting to kill me.

Crazy56U: (sniff) Well, I don’t have any information about What’s His Face, b-but I do think I’m having a mental breakdown of my own, does that count?





* * *





So, you guys, how was that for my first Creepypasta?



NaturalGlitch: Pretty standard for a TV one, really.

SC276: I don’t know if I’m lucky or unlucky to not have a benchmark for that.

Scarlet: Terrible.

Sigma: Wait, this WAS a serious creepypasta? Damn!

Crazy56U: No comment.

Trekker: I...I think Ebert put it best:

“I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. I hated this thing.” Or something like that.



Could it all be true?



RingmasterJ5: Considering you literally put a disclaimer at the start of the story saying it wasn’t, I’m going to go with… maybe.

Crazy56U: (grabs head harder) If there is a loving God, it won’t be.



Was it really Gerald's schizophrenia all along that was affecting his life?



NaturalGlitch: I put my answer as… three. Does that count?

SC276: I’m gonna go with… true. Yeah, definitely true. Well, that was easy.

Sigma: ...forty-two.

Crazy56U: D) None of the above.



Or was there a demonic presense at work here?

And what about Gerald's death?



Sigma: That’s what he gets for trying to create the ultimate life-form- Oh, not Gerald Robotnik? Who the fuck is this other Gerald? I don’t give a shit about him.

Crazy56U: Who cares? Honest to God, who cares...



Could some demonic form of a baby dragon killed him?



NaturalGlitch: How do you not giggle while reading that?

SC276: What makes you think a demon is involved? At all?

Scarlet: Find out next week, on “MLP: FiM- The Lost Episodes!”

Crazy56U: (chokes back a sob)

JolloMD: Baby dragons will fuck you up, man.

Trekker: Yare yare daze...



Or maybe Gerald wrote the last part as Spike and then killed himself afterwards.



SC276: Then the second personality as a result of schizophrenia, has schizophrenia.

Crazy56U: No, that couldn’t be it! It makes too much sense!



I'll leave that for you guys to decide.



NaturalGlitch: Is this going to be on a test?

SC276: The answer is none of the above.

Scarlet: It was me, I did it. Please let me go now.

Sigma: “It was ME! Dio Brando!”

Crazy56U: Okay, fine, here’s what I decide: none of the story happened. That way I can feel better about myself...



Who knows, maybe I'll write more?



SC276: Doesn’t mean you have to post it.

Crazy56U: Is that a joke?

Trekker: If it is, it’s less funny than fucking Pewdiepie. Congratulations, you fail harder than the fail lord himself!



But for now, I'm gonna back to work with my other projects.



RingmasterJ5: Which, and I am not even kidding here, consists almost entirely of terrible Epic Rap Battle fanfics between fictional characters. The guy has 43 of the fucking things.

SC276: You’re not allowed to call your other works “projects,” author, that’s my shtick. ...Shit, maybe I have schizophrenia and this guy is the other guy! ...No wait, that’s about as stupid as this fic.

Crazy56U: Is that a joke?



Until then, Happy Halloween.



NaturalGlitch: “♫And a happy new year!♫ ...wait.”

Scarlet: Fuck it. I’m gonna go have a tea party with my six best friends and try to forget this ever happened.

Sigma: What friends? You’re on the internet. We have no friends!

SC276: If you’re serving pulpless orange juice, I’m totally in.

Crazy56U: I… I’m gonna go a-and lay down until everything is okay. (slides onto the floor)

SC276: … (gives Crazy an orange juice box) Here.

Crazy56U: (slowly grabs juice box; chugs it)

SC276: Not sure how into hugs you are, but if you want one…

Crazy56U: (hugs SC276, sobs loudly)

SC276: (hugs Crazy back) There, there…

Topher: *inspects bingo card* Well, that was ri-goddamn-diculous. He literally only skipped three tropes!

JolloMD: This was the best Halloween I’ve had all year.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Here we are, the first user voted one-shot of the revival. And… I actually don’t know that much about this particular fic, but I believe Fallen does. Take it away.

Fallen Prime: Well, I don’t know about the fic so much as the author, Destroyershy96. He first got in trouble on FIMFiction when he harassed and stalked a prominent member of Rage Reviews, which helped him get banned from the site, and just kept stoking the flames by trying to twist the facts of the matter to make himself look like the victim and being completely incapable of NOT alluding to it in backhanded jabs in every comment he made. The main reason given for BOTH his bans, however, was rampant alt abuse, which hadn’t stopped even after returning from said second ban. I only know of the one other alt he had at that time, but its main role was to white-knight for himself in arguments he doesn’t think he could win. He seems to be gone from the site now, more or less, as his username’s been changed to “dead12,” but his work’s all hosted on Pony Fiction Archive. Remember THAT place?[a][b][c]

RingmasterJ5: Barely. But, seeing as this is only 4.4k words and is more the “shitty writing and OCs” kind of bad rather than the “infamous author who keeps letting their views get in the way of the story” kind, it’ll be a nice breather. Mostly because it’d definitely be a bad idea to have anything longer/more pseudo-intellectual in between Kudzu and… what we have next week.

Fallen Prime: In fairness, though, the longest fic in the poll ALMOST won.

RingmasterJ5: True, but by no means does that mean it wasn’t terrible.

Fallen Prime: So that’s not to say it won’t be back some other week. I feel like some of the editor picks coming up will be ripped from poll rejects, especially in months when it comes down to a bunch of really good ones. Either way, the fic you all voted on comes to us from the one person out there who still uses PFA, awkwardly titled “A Beautiful But Scary Effect.”

RingmasterJ5: I have to reiterate that the fic you’re about to read is not a trollfic. I know, it surprised me too.



I will state my name and what I am and my personally (or what everypony thinks of me).



SC276: Your personally someone I don’t want to learn about already.

RJ: I’m confused. Is he an incoming OC or a POW?

Crazy56U: In any case, ready the shotguns.



My name is Ice Star and I tend to behave like a stereotypical upper-class individual,



SC276: [Ice Star] “I say, old boy, wot wot?”

Crazy56U: Ah, god damn it, he’s a 1% guy…

Sigma: So, a sexually repressed twat?

NaturalGlitch: Why are my ears suddenly burning?



often looking down upon others with boredom, arrogance, snobbery and apathy, and I hated my vampire urges.



Waterpear: That escalated quickly. It’s just like a cliff made of escalators!

Crazy56U: ...and he’s also a vampire. ...suddenly, my 1% comment seems more fitting…

Sigma: Can anyone else see left field?

NaturalGlitch: Let’s all forget there are legitimate bat ponies (called thestrals) on the show and the one “vampire” was Flutterbat, and she only went after apples, OK readers?



I am also a Vampony in case you didn’t get that.



SC276: Usually when a vampire’s up front about being a vampire, that’s the first thing they mention.

Crazy56U: Well, I apparently have short-term memory loss, so I guess that- wait, where am I?

Sigma: Wait, is he vampire or vampony? Consistency, man!

RJ: [Rye Mash] … Is he a pirate too?

NaturalGlitch: I’d much prefer to be an umbrum, a Shadow pony like Sombra just to have the thrum of his voice. ...what?



Well might as well start explaining what happened today. It started on a day like any other.



Neo:”And then… she walked in.”

SC276: It wasn’t actually today, it was five weeks ago.

Crazy56U: But then everything changed when the crap writing attacked.

Sigma: “Oh, god, the grammar wars… So many misplaced apostrophes! You’re, not your!”



I didn’t have anything to do so I thought of an idea.



RJ: Thinking of the idea took the rest of the day and most of the following week.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, you decided to use your (Spongebob impersonation) imaginaaation…

SC276: The Grinch had a wonderful, awful idea!



As long as I had nothing better to do I might as well go mess with Reaper.



NaturalGlitch: “He was in charge of the corn and likes his scythe a little too much.”



He has a red coat and a light gray mane.



Waterpear: ...is this the guy from Ten Minutes: Aftermath?

Crazy56U: And he also owns a black coat and a scythe and keeps talking about how we’re all going to die. I never pegged him as being a goth…

Sigma: Steel’s gonna kill someone.



He’s a carefree, arrogant type of guy who does not care for anything.



SC276: With all these riffs, I’m getting pretty dang close to that myself.

Crazy56U: And maybe, one day, we all will be, and world peace will finally be achieved. (dove lands on head)

Topher: You gonna eat that dove?

NaturalGlitch: He’s so carefree that he doesn’t care?



Well I believe I’ve explained myself witsenough so now back to the story.



SC276: You’ve barely diverged from it. That’s like a train apologizing to its passengers for going on and off a siding. At least, if sidings are anything like they are in Thomas & Friends.

Crazy56U: ...this is going to be a reoccurring trend, isn’t it...



I walk into the store and see him.



NaturalGlitch: “Which was difficult since the market place is outside. It would help if I established what store it was or where I am.”



I walked up to him and said,

“Good morning, Reaper. As foolish as always, I see.”



Neo: Cause that’s how I greet my friends, calling them foolish even when they are just sitting around doing nothing.

SC276: [Ice Star] “What with all of the putting all these line breaks right before a quotation even though the sentence clearly continues, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: Hey, just because he’s a goth doesn’t mean he’s foolish! ...yeah, screw it, I’m sticking with my joke-interpretation of Reaper.



“Gah! Freakin’ blood-sucker! What are you doing here?” He asked surprised.



NaturalGlitch: If he’s a… ugh, a vampony, then how did he survive the sunlight? Is this taking place at night? Who am I talking too? Where am I?



I rolled by eyes and said,



Waterpear: Meanwhile, Reaper did a cartwheel by some tongues.

Neo: Are we entirely sure he’s his friend? Like are we completely for certain that he just doesn’t imagine they’re friends?

Crazy56U: Okay, now there’s racism…

SC276: I’ve noted, actually, that he never at any point calls any of them “friends.” They’re just a bunch of people he knows that, as far as he’s concerned, exist solely for his amusement.



“What a silly question. Why should I tell you why I do anything?



NaturalGlitch: [Reaper] “Because you’re sniffing my mane while... Are you purring?”



Must I always tell you my whereabouts now?”



Topher: Yes, actually. You need to alert me when you go out in public, the courts said so when I got the restraining order against you.



He seemed flustered. I didn’t look at him as I finished my question.



SC276: I wish I wasn’t looking at this fic.

Neo: Wow I feel like Ice Star would be an amazing douchebag character if he wasn’t so poorly written. Like the rest of the story.

RJ: Ice got distracted by something shiny.

Crazy56U: “Oh, hey, a thing!”



“No...of course not...but…” He said concerned.



RJ: [Reaper] “But how will I be able to collect your used gum for my shrine to you, Ice-sempai?”



I let out a sigh as he said that.



NaturalGlitch: “The scent of his mane always relaxes me.”



It was then I noticed a girl behind him. She was wearing a coat so I couldn’t see what she looked like.



SC276: But he could tell she was a girl because… I dunno, smell or something.

Crazy56U: Well, he is a vampire; maybe he has some gender-identification power or something.

Topher: Or maybe coats don’t cover a person’s face, and mares have a very distinctive head shape.

SC276: Two words: pony hoodies.

Topher: That sounds absolutely adorable….

NaturalGlitch: “All I could see was her snout popping out of the hood. I guess she hasn’t figured out how the hood straps work.”



He let out a sigh just as I stopped looking at her.



NaturalGlitch: “Whoo! Check out these ants down here! They’re really fighting over the candy!”



“...You are such a slow creature. ...No, creature is too kind. Something even lower then that...



NaturalGlitch: “You’re actually a mannequin I dressed up as my friend because I am so very lonely.”



Barely even a form of life.” I said annoyed.



Neo: Good lord, this guy is so edgy I think I got a paper-cut just reading his dialogue.

SC276: Takes one to know one!

Crazy56U: ...all I’m getting out of this is that Ice Star sort-of called Reaper retarded.

NaturalGlitch: I bet if Trixie was the main character here, this story would have over 1000 upvotes after its feature on ED. Because heaven forbid if Trixie grows as a character, right Sethisto?



“What the hell, Blood-sucker?!” He yelled.



SC276: I love how he’s consistently using the nickname in public that by should all means turn heads.

Crazy56U: Please, ponies have become conditioned to racism. Just look at how Zecora was treated in her first episode.

NaturalGlitch: I always assumed it was because she lived in the Everfree Forest and all the rumors surrounding the place is what they were scared of.

Topher: Or maybe they think that that’s his real name, and his special talent is giving blood.



“You see? You yell back so quickly.



NaturalGlitch: It’s the side effect of being around someone so smug they think their feces smells better than anyone elses.



They say the weaker the pony, the more it will yell,



RJ: And the sooner it gets it’s own show on Fox News.

Crazy56U: And thus, the secret origin of the O’Reilly Report.



But even that could not account for the noise you make. Wouldn’t you agree?” I asked calmly.



SC276: And now I’m reminded of one of my own OCs who is also a smug asshole. And since I came up with him back in 2005, you are officially trying to get in on my shtick. Quit getting in on my shtick.



“What the hell?!



NaturalGlitch: Is that West or East of Tartarus?



...Although you seem to be in rare form today.” He said.



SC276: [Reaver] “You’ve been in sunlight for five minutes and you’ve lost only a little bit of skin.”

Crazy56U: Given the story so far, I think Ice Star is more of a “Twilight”-vampire. Meaning he’s a walking disco ball right now.



I ignored his response and it was then I decided to ask,

“...And? Who is she?”



NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “How did you spot me? I’m in full ninja mode!” [Reaper] “While wearing a hot pink hoodie?”



“Huh? What do you mean who’s...” He said abruptly.

It was then he looked down at the girl.



SC276: Wait, I thought they were in a store, not up in a balcony.

Crazy56U: What, you’ve never seen a general store with a balcony before?

SC276: Not with public access.



She sits in front of him, eating some flowers.



Crazy56U: Hey, she didn’t pay for those flowers! SOMEONE CALL SECURITY!

NaturalGlitch: Has anyone noticed we’ve never actually seen the MLPs eat grass? I know they mentioned eating hay, but I’ve never seen it.



My eyes thin to menacing slits.



SC276: Oooh, look out, guys, we got a menacing over here!

NaturalGlitch: “Not the pupil, mind you, but my entire eye. Ouchies.”



It was then I noticed she seemed rather young which brought about my own curiously: What was he doing with this young filly?



SC276: Well my first guess is hitting on her.

Neo: Illegal things. Unspeakable illegal things.

Crazy56U: My guess is that the filly’s his drug dealer.

NaturalGlitch: [Reaper] “My mom wouldn’t let me out of the house if I didn’t bring my little sister. OK? Yeesh.”



“Um... It’s Kelly...uh… I mean now, she’s...”

“It’s Scarlet.” She said Intrupping him.



SC276: Wait wait, I got this. Um… “Intrupping” is the action of failing to trupp, where trupping is… driving a big rig upside down, directly above the road. It takes mad skillz. Intrupping, therefore, usually results in a lot of messy crashes and/or big rigs sent into outer space.

Waterpear: Actually, intrupping is to trupping as inflammable is to flammable.

Crazy56U: Or, and hear me out, this is a bold idea here… the Author couldn’t be bothered to spell “interrupting” properly...

NaturalGlitch: What?! That’s crazy talk, you heretic!

Crazy56U: (dead-eyed glare) No comment. (begins drinking Diet Coke)



“Oh? I see. Then you are a pedophile after all.” I said with a cold tone.



Waterpear: Yeah, I’d like to see the moon logic that lead to this conclusion.

SC276: I’d like to see logic, period.

Crazy56U: (spits out Diet Coke) Holy fuck, plot twist!



His eyes open surprised at what I said.



NaturalGlitch: Turns out she’s the decoy and Reaper is that universe’s Chris Hanson.



“WHOA! Where the hell did that come from?!” He yelled.



Neo: [Ice Star] “I don’t know, it surely can’t have anything to do with the fact that you have a young filly with a name that sounds suspiciously like a prostitute’s at level with your crotch.”

SC276: That’s what we’d like to know!

Crazy56U: (wipes mouth clean) As does the Diet Coke I just wasted!



I smiled but not to where he could notice.



SC276: So, up his ass.

Crazy56U: Where this story belongs.

Topher: “I kept this uncomfortable hunk of writing up my ass for two years.”



“I’m sorry, but when I see a spade- or in this case, a pedophile—I call it such.



SC276: What do you call clubs, hearts, and diamonds then?

Neo: A flush. Maybe. I don’t play poker.

Crazy56U: (slams down some cards) Go fish!

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “Does she have… hmmm… little sister’s you could introduce me to?”



Oh! Perhaps you don’t know what that word means. A pedophile , you see, is a man who likes-“

“You suck!” Scarlet said interrupting me.



Neo: [Ice Star] “Yes, exactly my point. Thank you for clarifying.”

SC276: If they’re in a store, why haven’t they been kicked out yet?

Crazy56U: Because the store security’s heads exploded from the sudden tonal shift.

Topher: Aw, and they were only two days from retirement.



“Scarlet, that was totally uncalled f-“ Said a random voice.



NaturalGlitch: What? He’s a vampony; he actually does suck.



“Hey, I just call them like I see them. Hehehe. Are you... JEALOUS?” She said laughing maniacally.



SC276: OK, so the story’s going to focus around smug assholes. Great.

Crazy56U: Holy crap, this IS about 1% guys!



I just looked at her but not an ounce of anger came from me. I wasn’t affected by this nor did I care.



SC276: [Ice Star] “I have the strangest boner right now, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: [Reaper] “Okay, seriously, why do you keep doing that? Are you trying to cough up a loogie?”

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Are you guys going to buy something?!”



It seems Reaper could not help but notice the expression that creeped across my delicate features.



RJ: [Ice] (´･ω･`)



He thinks that he was going to see some blood but rest assured that was not going to be the case.



SC276: He was, however, correct about being able to see tense changes.

Topher: There was certainly blood flowing, but Ice Star wasn’t bleeding, and it flowed to a very specific part of his body.



It was then an idea came to mind.



NaturalGlitch: Poor thought; it’s going to die all alone in there.



“Ah, yes! Reaper. I have a present for you.” I said smiling.

Huh? A present?!” He asked confused.



SC276: [Ice Star] “It’s the opening quotation mark that I stole from you last year, wot wot.” [Reaper] “Gee, thanks.”

Neo: [Ice Star] “...*Sigh* And more underage prostitutes.” [Reaper] “YAY!”

Crazy56U: Yep, go over to that table there. Chris Hanson just baked you some cookies!

Topher: Oh, no! I’m not falling for that again! I KNOW THOSE COOKIES ARE OATMEAL RAISIN!



“If you would be so kind as to close your eyes for a moment...” I said kindly.

“Hell no! Celestia knows what you’re going to do!



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “I, um, have no idea who he is or what’s going on. I’ll just attend to the giant fire-breathing platypus attacking Canterlot.”



And besides... anything from you probably wouldn’t be worth having...” He said coldly.

“Well I never! Hah!” I said with a smirk.



SC276: [Ice Star] “You degenerate rapscallion, wot wot! I challenge you to a duel!”



With a graceful chop of my hoof, I rushed behind him and strike the back of his neck.



Crazy56U: The present is murder!

NaturalGlitch: He chopped his hoof and that caused him to appear behind Reaper?



His eye’s roll back in his head, and consciousness leaves him.



Crazy56U: RIP Reaper. ...funny, that...

Topher: You know, at first I thought Reaper was kind of intimidating, but now I don’t fear him.



I look down at him and said,

“I’m rather bored, Reaper. I believe I’ll play with you a little to pass the time.”



NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Seriously, buy something or leave!”



I twirl away from the slumbering fool and leaps atop the table. The filly (Or rather Scarlet) laughed hysterically.



RingmasterJ5: She was laughing to hide the terror that this mare she’s never met before just knocked out the guy she was talking to in order to “play with him”, in a way that can only lead to terrible things that will give her nightmares for years to come.

SC276: In a public place, no less, given Scarlet was talking to someone else ten seconds ago. The reason there’s not enough setting detail is probably so the author could write his characters out of having to take responsibility for anything.

Neo: God, who is the real sexual deviant in all this? I think it might be all of them.

Crazy56U: (pulls out can of bear mace)



I draw a pair of elegant spectacles from the folds of my bag and place them on Reaper.



NaturalGlitch: “I put them on his rump to give me an excuse to [REDACTED].”



My grin is one of satisfaction. It is not pleasant.



SC276: Reading this story is not what’s pleasant.

Crazy56U: Why aren’t the sunglasses pleasant? Are they douchey looking?

NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “These glasses totally don’t compliment your strong, chiseled chin! Take that!”



“Moonshadow!” I called.



Waterpear: My OC named “Moonstorm Shadowblaze” was supposed to be a joke, dammit.



He teleported behind me.



Crazy56U: And then Electrical Beast begins sobbing and applauding.

NaturalGlitch: ...how did he teleport? Did he have some kind of special belt on or something?



“I am here, madam.” He answered.



SC276: Wait, the narrator’s a girl? That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Neo: Same, which is why subtext is your friend. Use it, author.

Crazy56U: Really, though, let’s be honest here, the narrator could’ve been a trashcan, and it wouldn’t have mattered...

NaturalGlitch: Wait—Ice Star is a mare? I-I mean, um, I totally knew that.



“Explain to him, as you would to a child.” I requested.



SC276: So, not the way this fic is written. ...Also, isn’t he unconscious?

Crazy56U: She hit him in the neck, I’m pretty sure he’s dead.



Well before he starts explaining I may as well explain who he is as well.



NaturalGlitch: You’re the one writing this. Why would this dude—my brain is on fire.



He is my butler and he usually acts in a sophisticated and gentlemanly manner.



SC276: But off the clock, he’s a wild party stallion.

Crazy56U: “Let’s get the party going on in this party wagon! (opens a can of beer)”



Judging from comments frequently dropped by me. He follows my orders whenever I ask.



NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star, pouting] “Tell me that my fangs don’t make my face too big.” [Moonshadow] “They really don’t.” [Ice Star, prancing] “EEEeeee-hehehehehe!~”



When we meet is none of your business.



Sven: But where they meet is an excellent investment opportunity!

Topher: Location is everything! I’ve got plans to open a frozen yogurt/eldritch artifact shop there!



Oh well enough talk about me back to what he is going to say.



Waterpear: Thank you, Ice Star, for explaining to us as you would to a child.

Crazy56U: I’m not sure why, but I feel like we’ve been insulted…

SC276: This mare has no idea how to handle children.



“But of course, milady.



NaturalGlitch: “—he said, tipping his fedora.”



I don’t wish to appear arrogant, or presumptuous,



SC276: Too late.



but please allow me to explain.



NaturalGlitch: OK, buckle up, folks; it’s time for exposition...



The item that Madam Ice Star has placed upon the insect Reaper are the legendary or if you want, GOL



SC276: Author, I think you forgot to include the actual full name of the plot device.

Crazy56U: Did we enter a different story or something, what is happening?



and a powerful magical item they are indeed. Their effect will spread quickly thought out all of Equestria,



NaturalGlitch: It’s sure a good thing he’s explaining this in the middle of a store right next to Scarlet.



and soon, no matter where Reaper may try to hide, The power of the Glasses Of Love will exert their power over others. Everypony, even those who hated him, will come to love him.



Crazy56U: [Reaper] “(sporting Muscle Arms) Now I’m a jerk, and everypony loves me!”

Topher: IRON WILL APPROVES OF THIS COMMENT!



That... is the dreadful power of the Glasses Of Love.



SC276: Um, unless the guy’s a goth, that’s not really all that dreadful.

Crazy56U: (cough)

Waterpear: But it is! Everyone in this story’s universe is a yandere. Everyone.

RingmasterJ5: ...Honestly, I see potential for a really good Changeling fic with this idea. Something like that would be one of the most coveted items in their culture.

SC276: Hmm...

NaturalGlitch: Let me guess—he can’t take them off or some bullshit like that, right?



The Power Of Love were crafted so perfectly,



RingmasterJ5: Eh, it’s nice, but if we’re talking Huey Lewis hits I still prefer Back in Time.

Crazy56U: Hip to Be Square is more my jam, what with its claustrophobic music video and tendency to get people named Paul killed…

Sven: The line ♫ Make a one man weep ♫ seems rather fitting.



In times of yore, that the pony wearing them will not even feel their presence and will never know that they have become the bearer of such a powerful artifact. ” He said calmly.



Waterpear: You see that paragraph? It was addressed to an unconscious person. Such brilliant writing.

Neo: What I would have liked a paragraph about is the question of why? Why give him the glasses, what purpose did any of this serve?

SC276: Better question: how do you not notice you are wearing a pair of glasses?

Crazy56U: (begins poking Reaper with a stick) Uh, guys, seriously, I think he’s dead…

Topher: Aw, and he was only two days from retirement!

Naturalglitch: What—does Reaper not own a mirror or something?



“Very nicely said.” I said praising him.



Crazy56U: LIES



“You are to kind, madam.” He said.



NaturalGlitch: [Moonshadow] “Why couldn’t you say this to him while he wasn’t knocked out?”



“With a deep bow, he teleported out into the darkness.



SC276: So, it’s nighttime? Quit assuming we can read your mind, author!

Crazy56U: Okay, unless Moonshadow is capable of warping time and space, I HIGHLY doubt that bit of confusing expositing took several hours...



I stomped my hoof once and the fool jolts back to consciousness. He gasped as he came to.



SC276: These are not vampire powers. These are like demigod powers. Or Discord powers. I’m not engaged, I’m just confused and angry.

Crazy56U: ...okay, no, you can’t change my mind; Reaper was, in fact, dead. Ice Star just brought him back to life. Necromancy is now canon in this story.



“Wh-what just happened? Did I get hit by a cart or something…?” He said struggling with words.



SC276: No, but you’ll wish you had in a minute.

Crazy56U: [Reaper] “Why do I feel like I’ve been dead for several hours?”

NaturalGlitch: “This is the part where I forgot the glasses also work on me. Was Reaper always this handsome—DANG IT! Why did I think this was a good idea?!”



I giggled and responded,

“Why, whatever do you mean, Reaper? What foolishness.”



Crazy56U: [Ice Star] “NOIDIDNTPUNCHYOUINTHEHEADANDKILLYOU!”

[Reaper] “...whaaa-”

[Ice Star] “NO, YOU’RE A NECROMANCER!”



It was then Scarlet looked down but he didn’t seem to notice at first.



NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “It sure is a good thing I have these really loud headphones on and didn’t hear a word of what that guy said.”



“Yeah. I guess you’re right... Huh? Scarlet, what’s up with you? Why are you looking down?



Neo: Because it’s time for your blowjob and I’ve been waiting for an hour looking around this crummy store with you. Just give me my twenty dollars and lets get this over with already. I have be back home before dinner.

Crazy56U: ...whelp, time to cleanse my eyes. (uses bear mace on self)



“Oh? It seems that her heart is racing.” Said the random voice.



Crazy56U: [insert Mario Kart joke]



I didn’t notice before but I just realized where it was coming from. It was from Scarlet but it wasn’t her. I shrugged it off as I was having too much fun messing with him.



Neo: Cause… that makes sense… right?

Crazy56U: … (maces self again) … ...nope, still doesn’t make sense. Also, ow.

NaturalGlitch: I think that sentence is rotting my brain.



“Your face is bright red. Did you eat something funny?” He asked abit concerned.



SC276: Maybe she’s read the fic.

Crazy56U: No, if that were the case, it’d be purple from lack of oxygen to the brain. Bad stories do that to people.

NaturalGlitch: It also happens to the one writing this as well.



“Sh-Shut up, dumbass! I’m...not… red!” She said looking down.



SC276: Tsun tsun, dere dere, b-b-baka.

Crazy56U: Yeah, she’s not red! She’s vermillion, bitch! CHECK YOURSELF!



“Well suit yourself. If you’re running a fever or have a stomachache, just stay the hell away from me. I don’t want to catch anything you have.” He said smiling.



NaturalGlitch: Are the characters all wearing blinders with built-in earphones or something?



“What?! How can you be so insensitive, you jackass?



SC276: OK, yeah, uh, point there. If your first reaction to a girl being sick is “stay away from me,” like fucking hell you’re going to get laid after that.

Crazy56U: (pulls out snare drum) Wait, I thought he was a pony, when did he become a donkey? (ba-dum-tss)



Saying mean things like that to me! You’re so mean, Reaper! You suck! WHAAAAA!” She yelled staring to crying.



Neo: Wow, she really has a long way to go to becoming a Pro Staring Contest Player.

Crazy56U: (picks up box of tissues) Uh… … ...here?



Her eyes suddenly began to fill with tears.



SC276: Open the drains, we’re having a flood!

Crazy56U: I only have so many tissues, damn it!



“Whoa, Hold on a sec! What’s with all the crying?” He asked shocked.



NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “A bug flew in my gigantic but adorable eyes! Ouchie-poo!”



“Oh! Oh! You made her CRY, you cruel man ,you!” I said jokingly.



Neo: Again they use the word Man, despite using the phrase everypony before. Which is it Author?

Waterpear: Look, this has nothing to do with MLP except for things like coat colors and the word “hoof”, so the author might as well admit that these are just humans.

Crazy56U: Okay, I’m legitimately confused, is Reaper still a pedophile or did that no longer happen? ...also, what the fuck did I just type just now?



“Me?” He said shocked.

She continued to cry as I said that.

“Hey, Kyle! What you waiting for? Do something!” He demanded.



NaturalGlitch: Yeah! Someone do something! ...wait—who’s Kyle?



“Umm...I don’t think there’s anything I can do.” He responded.



Crazy56U: [Kyle] “Uh… I-I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be in this story. I-I don’t even know where I am…”



Oh I see now. That explains why I heard two voices in one body. She has another soul in her body. Interesting... anyways back to what’s going on.



SC276: [Ice Star] “We can’t have anything possibly interesting in this story, wot wot. I’m not done telling you how much of an ass I am!”

Crazy56U: I think it’s for the best we don’t get any explanation; it would wind up making things stupider.

NaturalGlitch: PFFFFT-AHAHAHAHHAHA! I love how nonchalant she is about that.



“Why are you asking like this is none of your business?!” He demanded.

“Because... Well, you know... It’s not, really...”

“It’s your fault Reaper! You said mean things...! I hate you Reaper! I HATE YOU! I...I…I LOVE YOU!”



Neo: [Reaper] “Wow, I must be better at sex than I thought… we did have sex while I was unconscious, right?”

Crazy56U: (starts cradling bear mace can) God, I hope not.

Topher: Has anyone ever told you you might have a bear mace problem? Because I doubt anyone has said that. To anyone. Ever.

NaturalGlitch: Can you spray some in my eyes? The pain will make me forget this story is a thing.



She yelled.

“WHAAAAT?! W-Where the hell did THAT come from?!” He yelled surprised.



Waterpear: This is how I’ve reacted to basically every plot event so far.

Crazy56U: A very reasonable and accepted reaction to random actions.



“Wow! Now I’m embareassed...” Kyle said looking down.



SC276: Which one is Kyle again?!

Crazy56U: That one. Duh.

NaturalGlitch: <Pupils dilate while he foams out the mouth, speaking in tongues.>



I laughed and said,

“Oh how delightful! They’re working PERFECTLY! None can resist the almighty power of the Glasses Of Love”



Crazy56U: So, wait, are you the bad guy now? I’m more lost than Kyle right now…

Topher: [Reaper] Wait, what’s going on? hang on, let me get these sunglasses off, I can’t see shit. *removes sunglasses*

[Ice Star] NOOOOOOO! MY PERFECTLY PLANNED SCHEME!

NaturalGlitch: ...how are the glasses not working on her? Unless...she’s already in love with Reaper! Dun dun du~un!



“Reaper! I Loves yoooou!” She said jumping on him.



Crazy56U: (chokes back puke)

Topher:...ok, gimme that bear mace.

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately for Reaper, Scarlet only knows how to show affection through backyard wrestling.”



“Gah! Stop! Don’t touch me!” He said trying to get her off.



Neo: [Reaper] “I need a few minutes to reload!”

Crazy56U: Great. He’s a germaphobe too...

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Hello! Anyone?! Can you all please leave?!”



Just then I got another idea just to spice things up.



SC276: Just what we need when we already can’t tell what we’re reading: more chaos.

Crazy56U: Oh, for the love of God, we don’t need to drag Discord into this, Author. He has better things to do…



“You, child. Do you truly love Reaper that much?” I asked.



NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “I cut him up to little pieces so I can carry him everywhere I go!”



“Yes! A thousand times, YES!” She yelled still jumping on him.



Neo: And in the process repeatedly pulverizing his kidney.

Crazy56U: And so, Reaper is killed again. We already have a Kyle, why not have a Kenny?



“Oh dear. That won’t do at all.” I told her.

“Why?!” She demanded.



Crazy56U: [Ice Star] Because love is a myth!

Topher: ♬What’s love but a secondhand emotion?♬



“Why, Because He is simply head-over-heels in love with me, of course!” I told her.



NaturalGlitch: Reaper must’ve lost a ton of braincells if he does. Stop knocking him unconscious all the time, lady.



It was a lie but it was a funny lie.



Waterpear: “He’s not actually in love with me. Bazinga.”

SC276: And therefore it is perfectly OK.

Crazy56U: I think you need to look up the definition of “funny”...



“WHAT?! Is that true?” She asked shocked.

“NO! And in case you missed it the first time, HELL NO! You twisted, evil, blood sucking Vampony!



NaturalGlitch: [Scarlet] “I am not a vampony!”



What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” He yelled.



SC276: My first guess is fucking with you because she’s a dick.

Crazy56U: She’s a sociopath. She’s doing whatever entertains her with no respect for others in any way, shape or form. Or, in other words, stop asking stupid questions, Reaper...



“Oh come now, Reaper! No need to be shy. Just admit that you are my devoted servant!” I said joking.



NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “Well, only half joking. ...or maybe a third. OK, so I do like you, but you never paid any attention to me, so now you’re going to pay!”



“Who are you calling a servant?!” He yelled.



SC276: “I’m not your friend, buddy!”

Neo: “I’m not your buddy, Pal!...Though if you want to hang out sometime, you know that would be cool. I mean, it’s only if you want to, you know?”

Crazy56U: Will the racism never cease?!



It was then I heard a voice by the entrance of the store. I looked back and saw three mares. As they entered one of them said,

“Rearper!”



Waterpear: Not to be confused with Reaper, Reapear, or Raeper.

Crazy56U: Or Rumpelstiltskin.



“Is Reaper here?!”



NaturalGlitch: “I listened to the song Don’t Fear The Reaper and I wanted to meet him!”



“Reaper is here, isn’t he?”



SC276: Who wants to know?

Crazy56U: Nobody here but us chickens.



I knew them well. One of them had a black mane with a light blue coat. She is an earth pony who owns a clinic nearby here and is a nurse. Her name is Fluffy Fire



Waterpear: Her name is Fluffy Fire. Did her parents give her that, or did she pick it herself?

Neo: Nah, that’s just her street name.

Crazy56U: In that case, why hasn’t she been shanked over it yet?

NaturalGlitch: Awww!~♥ I bet she’s a giant fluffy hugging teddy bear~♥ ...what?!



but for not wasting time we will just call her Fluffy.



SC276: She’s so FLUFFY!!

NaturalGlitch: So fluffy that I’m going to die!



The other one name is Sapphire. She has a pink mane with a white coat.



Waterpear: Neither of those colors have anything to do with sapphires.

Crazy56U: She’s called that because she has a crippling gemstone addiction.

Topher: *pulls out cigar and false mustache* Now that’s what I call a hard drug.



She doesn’t live close here but from my guess she was also drawn in by the Glasses Of Love.



SC276: I love how that’s what you say instead of where she’s actually from. There is like no setting description whatsoever.

Crazy56U: That’s not true! ...I mean… We’re apparently still in the store…

Topher: Oh, man! If I had a dollar for every time I went to the store and ended up forcing a cursed artifact onto the town pedophile, I’d have $87.63!



She loves to create and build machines.



NaturalGlitch: [Sapphire] “And here I was about to build a love machine when Reaper was right here~”



She Is a unicorn as well. Lastly we have Aqua Lilly but to make it easier, just call her Lilly.



Sven: Yes, because those four extra letters make life oh so difficult.

Crazy56U: Well, it was either shortening the name, or getting sued by the makers of Aqua Velva...



She is a Pegasus who is the weakest of the group.



NaturalGlitch: Wha-huh? How could you know all this or any of these ponies anyway?



She has a dark blue mane with a light green coat. She tends to be the shy one but can assertive if she needs to be.



Neo: I said it once, and I’ll probably say it a bunch more times. SUBTEXT!

Crazy56U: Or, in other words, Lilly is Bootleg Fluttershy.



Well now that I have explained everything, I won’t have to wait for questions.



SC276: It’s a fanfic, author. A static medium. You don’t get feedback.

Crazy56U: And even if you do get it, I doubt you’d want the kind of feedback you would receive.



I hope that you can maintain the info I gave you though your sad mind because I really don’t want to have to explain it again.



SC276: That would require you to explain it a first time.

RJ: Maybe he’s talking to himself.

Crazy56U: You must be a delight at parties...

NaturalGlitch: Are we seriously getting talked down to by some pseudo intellectual superior?



Now back to what happen.



SC276: [Ice Star] “Someone set us up the bomb.”

Crazy56U: “I have to move fast, and bullets too slow!”



As they walked over where we are I just looked and said,

“My goodness, what an interesting collection of visitors.”



Waterpear: “Zany” one-dimensional characters. Interesting. Pick one.

NaturalGlitch: Maybe they're literally cardboard cutouts with speakers?



“There he is! Reaper’s over there!” Fluffy yelled point at him.



NaturalGlitch: [Fluffy] “It’s power cuddles time!”



“You son of a bitch! You know how hard it was to find you?!” Sapphire yelled angrily.



Sven: Nothing says “I love you” quite like insulting someone’s mother.

Crazy56U: “YOUR MOM SUCKS! Wanna go out tonight? (toothy grin)”

Topher: OH, TAKE ME NOW! *shudders* sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Crazy56U: (scoots several inches away)



“Just stay right there, Reaper!” Lilly said calmly.

“Wait a minute? What’s going on?!” He asked confused.



SC276: That’s what we’d like to know!

Crazy56U: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!



“Don’t worry, Reaper. Everything will be all right. Just drink this “Philter of Unwavering Passion”! Be sure to drink it all at once!” Fluffy told him as she grabbed a bottle.



Waterpear: Oh cool, this totally isn’t an attempted rape or anything.

Neo: [Reaper] “Hey now come on, let’s not turn me soliciting sex from a minor into something ugly.”

SC276: Those glasses are basically a reverse love potion anyway.

Crazy56U: Yep, just drink random crap that is given to you, THAT ends well...

NaturalGlitch: Is anyone else tasting their organs? Mine taste like Hoagies.



She pressed it to Reaper’s mouth and as she did Lilly bit her wing and threw her what was once a part of her wing at the bottle.



Waterpear: Yes, she has boomerang wings. Forget the pedophile “joke” up there; I’d like to see the moon logic behind this plot.

Crazy56U: I think finding out the “logic” behind this story would be akin to staring into the Ark of the Covenant...

NaturalGlitch: ...is she going to accidentally make a love poison for Reaper or some shit?



“All right!” She yelled timely.



Waterpear: “Far out, man!” she yelled spacely.



Fluffy didn’t like that



SC276: We don’t either.

Crazy56U: Yep, she didn’t like it… she loved it!



so she turned her attention to Lilly and yelled,

“What do you think you’re doing, Lilly?!



SC276: Half the dialogue in this fic is someone asking someone else “What the fucking hell?!”

Topher: hey, you’re right! What the hell?

NaturalGlitch: This is what happens when you let the locust that fly out of your mouth write for you, author.



You just blasted my special medicine across the room!”



Sven: [Fluffy Fire] “Do you have any idea how much rohypnol costs?!”

Topher: [Fluffy Fire] “Now the voices won’t go away!”

Crazy56U: [Fluffy Fire] “That was my seizure medication, you prick!!!”



“I was going to ask you the same question, Miss Fluffy!



NaturalGlitch: I am imagining Fluffy with a giant teddy bear cutie mark, and no one is going to stop me.



How dare you make him such a shameless potion!” She said asserting herself.



SC276: And with the stupidest name too. Redundant as well; “philter” actually literally means a love potion or charm.

Topher: ...I actually didn’t know that. I LEARNED SOMETHING NEW THIS YEAR!



“You’re still very much a child, Lilly! Sometimes love requires that one use a bit of... persuasion... to make him bloom.” She said with a smirk.



Neo: [Reaper] “Uhh, if ‘Bloom’ means what I think it means I’m still going to need a few minutes here.”

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully, they just mean they’re going to use his body as fertilizer.



“L-Love?” Lilly asked blushing.

“Do I need to draw you a picture? I love Reaper!” She shouted.



Neo: [Lilly] “No, but I would like it if you wrote me a five page essay about it. Include a bibliography page and cite your sources in APA format.”

Topher: [Fluffy] I can double space it, right?

Crazy56U: Look, if your pictures are of the quality I think they are, just dump them on Deviantart where they belong. ...that or Derpibooru.

Neo: This story is about what I would expect to find on Deviantart.



Just then I heard a loud voice yell,

“WHAT DID YOU SAAAAAAAAAY?!”



SC276: And suddenly we’re in an anime now! AUGH.

Crazy56U: Here’s what I say.



I couldn’t tell where it came from but it didn’t seem to be very far considering that it sounded very close.



Neo: ‘It didn’t sound very far away considering it sounded very close’. This fucking story.

RJ: This story was cleared by the Department of Redundancy Department, which cleared this story.



I shrugged it off as did the other girls



NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “...I need better hobbies.”



and as that ended, Sapphire asked,

“Huh? Did you hear that? Outside? It sounded like millions of voices cried out in anguish, and were suddenly silenced.”



Waterpear: I’m not even a Star Wars fan, and I’m offended by this tacky reference.

Crazy56U: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody!



“No. You’re probably just hearing things.” Fluffy said shaking her head.



NaturalGlitch: [Fluffy] “Or I wouldn’t be if somepony didn’t toss my meds!”



“B-But...! No matter how much you love somepony, you can’t just drug them!” Lilly said blushing.



Neo: Oh I beg to differ. Non-Consensual Drugging is my primary strategy in getting people to love me.

SC276: ...That explains a lot.

Crazy56U: (quietly begins dialing 911)



“Yes, of course. Medicine is completely off-limits! Terribly unfair. Here Reaper. Eat this candy. It’ll refresh your... uh... mouth.” Sapphire said looking in her bag.



Waterpear: Holy shit. This story contains something resembling an actual joke.

SC276: I never liked mint…

Crazy56U: Um… That “candy” looks suspiciously like a bunch of rusty nails…

RingmasterJ5: Still better than what The Catch used them for.

Crazy56U: … ...do I want to know the context?

SC276: Depends. How much do you want to deal with an author not knowing about guns writing about guns?

Topher: Fallen is going to have a field day, isn’t he?

NaturalGlitch: ...OK, how do these ponies just HAVE this stuff on them?



As she looked in her bag, she grabbed the piece of candy.



NaturalGlitch: [Reaper] “What’s with the skull and crossbones on the wrapper?”



She gave it Reaper and he examined it.

“Oh...Thanks...” He said hesitating to eat it.



Neo: Yeah, eat suspicious candy from the person who tried to drug you a few minutes ago. Great idea.

SC276: Actually, I think this is a different mare. Though I don’t blame you for mixing them up, they’ve all got the same personality.

Crazy56U: C’mon, you big baby, what’s the worst thing that can happen?!

Topher: Well, normally when I catch one, I take her to my basement and-[THE FOLLOWING DESCRIPTION HAS BEEN CENSORED; YOU’RE WELCOME]-with a durian fruit, two clothes pins, and a hadron collider!

Neo: More like a...’Hard On Collider’ AMIRITE? HAHAHAHAHhahahah...haha..ha...fuck you it’s funny.

Topher: I’ve got one of those, too.



As he was about to eat it, Fluffy bucked the candy out of his hand.



NaturalGlitch: Um... His hand? Oh, no...



As she did, Reaper got it in the stomach. He laided there holding his stomach in pain.



SC276: YOU WERE DOING... Actually no, you weren’t really doing so well.

Crazy56U: ...getting killed again. ...that’s what could happen..

Topher: Alright, someone help me get him in my van before he comes to.



“Oh my. An impressive strike. It seems the candy has been shattered. A shame.” I said still looking at the broken candy.



SC276: And you continue to remain the least interesting character in this fic.

Crazy56U: What do you have against candy, you ass?



Sapphire was disappointed that her plan was stopped.



Sven: [Sapphire] “I spent a whole three seconds on that!”

Crazy56U: Huh… that’s 2 seconds more than what I would’ve guessed...



I smiled a little as she did. Fluffy looked back at her and said,



NaturalGlitch: [Fluffy] “I shaved my hair and mane to make you this nice sweater! Sheesh it is ever cold in here.”



“Professor, it seems that I can’t stop watching you for even a second...”



Waterpear: I ship Fluffy x Sapphire. OTP.

Crazy56U: No-TP.



Just then Reaper got up still in pain and asked,

“Will SOMEPONY please tell me what’s going on?”



Neo: Get in line man, we were all here waiting for that answer long before you were.

SC276: That’s what we’d like to know! For the third goddamn time tonight!

Crazy56U: Wait, is it night still, or is it day now, I don’t know where we are in time anymore...



Fluffy turned her attention to Reaper and said,

“Reaper, the candy the professor just offered you contained a very, very, VERY powerful sleeping pill.”



SC276: Well that's one way of administering a date-rape drug.

Crazy56U: It’s called “cyanide”.

NaturalGlitch: ...how do you know this? What—why—when?!



He looked at Sapphire with a shocked look on his face. I thought that I heard a sound but nothing was there so I turned my eyes back to what was going on.



NaturalGlitch: Lava making a beeline towards an orphanage is more subtle than this fic.



“You can’t be serious?!” He said angrily.



Sven: This guy asks more questions than Inquerius.

RingmasterJ5: Hey, save those really obscure references for next week when they’ll suddenly be sort of relevant again.

Crazy56U: (war flashbacks intensify) ...the horror… ...the horror...



She chuckled as he said that.



SC276: She was a supervillain all this time!

Crazy56U: (holds up a boombox)



She turned her attention to the both of them and said,

“You saw right though me, Fluffy you fox. Yeah, that’s right. I put a sleeping pill in there. Oh, not just any sleeping pill! This shit would knock even Sombra out! It’s ah, Quite strong.



Neo: Again, why is anybody surprised by any of this. This is literally the expected result from taking candy from the person who tried to drug you.

NaturalGlitch: This is what happens when you write whatever your brain pees out.



Reaper steeped back.



SC276: He ran a steeplechase backwards?

Sven: That’s actually kinda impressive.

Crazy56U: (holds up a “10” card)



“You got to be kidding me?!” He said surprised.

“Miss Sapphire. What were you going to do to Mr. Reaper after you put him to sleep?” Lilly asked concerned.



Neo: Oh don’t act like you don’t know. I saw you eyeing his secret stash of jawbreakers.



What she says next may harm your brain



SC276: The fic is already doing that.

Crazy56U: (begins frying an egg; looks up) I’m sorry, what? I wasn’t paying attention...



so I’ll dumb it down so it will be easier though some words will be blanked out so it doesn’t become offensive.



SC276: This fic is offensive to good taste already.



She first planed on taking his *ahem* plot



NaturalGlitch: Fuck you and your memes.



and pit it in some chemicals. Then she would add a few more things into the *ahem* plot. After she was done with that she would rip off his *ahem* member (I do hope I don’t have to spell it out for you) and do some thinks that fan girls would love to see plus more. I know I’m breaking the fourth wall but it’s better than hearing the gruesome words she was say. Now that I have explained that, let us turn our attention back to what happen.



Waterpear: No. Nobody wants to see this. Not even this story’s non-existent fangirls want to see Science Pony masturbating with a severed penis.

Neo: I...I don’t know whether to comment on the horrible fourth wall breaking or the really gruesome picture this story just painted. Like this was a pretty sudden dark turn, and that’s taking into account the pedophile joke from earlier.

SC276: You’ve already broken the fourth wall like fifteen times already, and you’re only apologizing now?!

Crazy56U: Pinkie and Deadpool are going to kick your ass...



“WH-WH-WHAT?! How could you stoop so low? That’s... Totally unfair.” Lilly said blushing.

“Like I care. Keep dreaming, little girl. I’m going to make Reaper MINE.” She said with a grinning smile.



Neo: Literally. Also why is she blushing? Why is she not screaming in terror at the fact that this woman is about to torture and murder a man and have sex with his severed parts?

Crazy56U: ...I think I saw that episode of the Cinema Snob...

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Did I take the wrong pills this morning or something?!”



“He’s MINE!” Fluffy yelled in protest.

“Don’t speak of him as if he’s merely an object!” Lilly yelled.



Neo: Weren’t you objectifying him too not five minutes ago?

NaturalGlitch: We all know it’s trendy nowadays to want to be objectified, like it’s a badge of honor or some shit.



Just then Scarlet jumped in. My goodness I completely forgot about her as I’m sure you did.



Neo: No, I still remember her because I have a memory that can recall things that happened ten minutes ago.

SC276: That’s because my brain is already keeping this thing from being written to my memory banks for my own sanity.

Crazy56U: (places power drill on table) Just in case, you can borrow my… “magic eraser”...



“Just shut the hell up, you skanky old hags!” She yelled.



NaturalGlitch: As opposed to young hags?



They were shocked by what they heard so I will replay what they said.



SC276: What the fuck does that even mean?!

Sven: The author is so proud of his prose he wants to show it off again!

Crazy56U: INSTANT REPLAY



Fluffy said,

“Who are you calling an old hag?!”



Waterpear: This story has breakneck pacing and I’m still bored with the plot.

Crazy56U: I got so bored, I made breakfast. (begins eating eggs)

NaturalGlitch: ...are you going to share those?



Then Sapphire yelled,

“Oh, I had better not have just heard what I think I heard!”



SC276: (bad sassy black woman accent) Oh no you didn’t!



But Lilly seemed to be the most shocked of the three.



NaturalGlitch: Why isn’t Reaper hightailing it out of there?



“Me, an old hag?!” She said almost about to cry.



SC276: Pretty sure we feel like crying ourselves.

Crazy56U: Well, I’m out of tissues, so you’re on your own.



Just then Lilly wiped the tears away and said,

“I’ve had enough! I’m going to make one thing to all of you! Reaper... is already... is already MY husband!”



SC276: DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!

Crazy56U: “Tonight on Jerry Springer.”



Reaper jumped by this and I was quite shocked by this but it didn’t faze me by much.



SC276: [Ice Star] “Because I do not treat him as anything resembling a person, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: CLEAR YOUR THROAT.



“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” He yelled surprised.



Neo: Okay, now why is he having no reaction to the fact a woman wants to butcher him and make love to his severed limbs? He is literally the person who should be freaking out the most right now.

Topher: Man, if I had a dollar for every time a woman has tried to butcher me and have sex with my amputated dick, all while on a routine trip to the store after having an eldritch artifact forced on my face by a vampire, I’d have $11!

ChangelingLumin: I’ll have what he’s having.



I smiled and said,



NaturalGlitch: [Ice Star] “This is some fever dream! I-I mean—”



“How dare you, Reaper! You could have me as your wife! Why?!”



SC276: Who would even want to be married to you?! You’re a dick! Why hasn’t Reaver come at you with a stake yet?!

Crazy56U: Better question: why hasn’t literally anyone so far come at her with a stake?



He turned his attention to me and yelled,

“YOU, stay out of this! You’re just making things worse!”



Waterpear: Every character is conspiring to make this story worse.

Neo: Simply by existing these characters actually manage to make the story worse every second I spend reading it.



“What the hell are you blabbering about, you shivered old prune? Explain yourself!” Scarlet demanded.



NaturalGlitch: Actually, just stop.



“I took the liberty of going to city hall and filing our marriage registration!” I am now OFFICIALLY Mrs. Reaper.” She said with the file in her hoof.



SC276: Story, are you literally trying to tell me that, just because of a pair of glasses with a stupid-ass name, a mare got herself legally married to a guy without him actually being present? Before even seeing him with the glasses? Limits like that are what give a story logic and reasoning, which you are clearly allergic to in advocation of being a dick!

Crazy56U: Whoops, there it goes… (nose begins bleeding) Yep. My brain stopped. (collapses)

SC276: Is there a doctor in the fic? ...besides the mad professor there?

NaturalGlitch: [Lilly] “I am so serious that I doubled my quotation marks!”



“MARRIAGE REGISTRATION?! How the hell did you do that?!” He yelled demanding an answer.

Sapphire rolled her eyes and said,



Neo: ...When? When could you possibly have done this? He hasn’t had the glasses on for five minutes! Also doesn’t he need to give his consent for you to get married?

RJ: All I have to say is it’s actually legal in Texas.



“Yeah, OK, fine. What about the seal? There’s no way in hell you’ve got Reaper’s stamp!”

“Oh, that... Well... I had a friend in the armament division make me one...” She answered calmly.



NaturalGlitch: ...WHAT?! How?! Again—WHAT?!



“What?! Doesn’t the guards at canterlot have more import things to be doing?!” He asked annoyed.



SC276: Given what we’ve seen Canterlot guards do… not really, no.



Just as he finished that sentence, three more guests broke one of the windows.



Sven: [Ice Star] There was a door…

Crazy56U: (pops back to life) I’M UP, I’M UP!

SC276: (throws away defibrillator) Dangit, and I wanted to try using this!

Crazy56U: … (quietly picks up defibrillator) Just in case...

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Oh come on!”



I know two of them so I will tell you who they are. Her name is Dew. She doesn’t speak due to her voice box being destroyed.



SC276: Allow me to do the same to you so we can end this early.



All of her hoofs were replaced with mechanical (Sapphire is to thank for that)



Sven: For cutting off her hooves?

Crazy56U: Sapphire sold her hooves on the black market.

Topher: Pony hooves are actually great aphrodisiacs.

NaturalGlitch: Can we have a fic about Sapphire making mechanical hooves for somepony? I’d rather read that.



She’s an earth pony with a dark purple coat and a yellow mane. She is known for being aggressive when provoked but is not a threat most of the time.



Topher: So what you’re saying is… If you try to make her angry, she gets angry?

NaturalGlitch: How do you know this?! This is almost as bad as Stones to Abigail.



I believe that’s enough explaining for that one. The next one is Mythic. She was created by Sapphire and follows her orders.



SC276: So the love magnet gets the attraction of golems now.

Crazy56U: Nah, my money is on Mythic being a robot.

NaturalGlitch: At least this one would have an excuse as to why they’re written so blandly.



She is a Pegasus but instead of wings, they were replaced with sword like wings (ask her if you want to know her story).



SC276: I probably will, since it’ll be infinitely more interesting than this. Because anything is more interesting than this.

Crazy56U: Yep, no point talking about the fucking killbot! Good story! Good story!



She has a mask that covers her face but you can still see her mouth. She has a light gray armor along with her coat.



Crazy56U: Robocop. You… you just ripped off Robocop… … ....didn’t Robocop 3 and that stupid reboot do enough damage to the poor guy? Did you really have to do that?!



Her mane is also yellow. Now on to the one I don’t know.



Crazy56U: (fed up) Would you please, please, just give a SHIT ABOUT THE AUDIENCE?!

NaturalGlitch: If that was a thing, 80% of these pony fics wouldn’t exist. <tries not to cry>



She is an earth pony with a dark brown mane with a few light yellow strips. Her coat is a light brown color and she seems like a strong earth pony. Now I believe I have explained everything and I hope your small mind can hold that info.



SC276: No, because I won’t ever need any info like this in my life ever. And I’m a packrat.

Crazy56U: … (screams in rage)

NaturalGlitch: Hey, look at it this way! ...you made some really good eggs for breakfast—that counts, right?



Now back to what’s going on.



Waterpear: Oh boy, dark and edgy cyborgs! Exactly what this story doesn’t need!

Neo: SUBTEXTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! Also, again, this is a static medium, author. We can’t ask these characters anything. Write the backstory yourself and don’t be a lazy fuck.

Crazy56U: Better advice: if you can’t be bothered to actually try, don’t write the story at all.



“Oh my. It seems we can look forward to some, ah, interspacing mingling...” I said to Reaper.



SC276: [Reaver] “I don’t want to put spaces in the middle of compound words!”

Crazy56U: Good God, are you quite finished yet, ma’am?



“You’re Reaper? Wow! You’re so hot. Said the brown pony.



NaturalGlitch: “I provide my own narration, said the dripping and beautiful mare.”



“Reaper located. Intense attraction... confirmed. Expression of love... initiated.” Mythic said calmly.



Sven: [Mythic]: “Stereotypical robot voice… loaded.”

Crazy56U: Bored now. (chucks a magnet at Mythic)



Dew didn’t say anything



SC276: Obviously.

Topher: If Reaper and Dew have sex, it’ll bring a whole new meaning to “Do the Dew.”

NaturalGlitch: I guess he’d reap what he...dew? This story is making me see the bugs under my skin.



as they drew closer to Reaper. I just watched slightly annoyed that there are more ponies here.



Sven: Apparently Ice Star wants her trolling to be a more intimate affair.

Crazy56U: This is no longer trolling. It stopped being trolling AGES ago...



I didn’t feel like getting involved in the fray of these mares so I will explain what is happing step by step.



SC276: Is it ever explained why she isn’t affected by them? Because if they can work on robots/golems, which don’t even have emotions in the first place, they should work on undead.

Sven: Author Avatar/Mary Sue powers?

Crazy56U: She’s immune because the Kool Aid Man is red.



The unknown earth pony and Mythic leaped at the victim Reaper, Crushing him beneath their supple, young bodies



NaturalGlitch: I can feel the author drool on the story.



and the rest of them tried to get in the fray. He let out a muffled scream of agony.



Sven: [deadpan] No. Stop. Not to such a beloved character like Rearper.

Crazy56U: Reaper’s been killed so many times in this thing, I can’t be bothered to care anymore…

Topher: OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED REAPER! YOU BASTARDS!



“You... you... you shameless hussies! Need I remind you that Reaper is MY husband?!” Lilly said holding him.



NaturalGlitch: Why haven’t the glasses broke by now?



Dew let go of Reaper and walked over to Lilly with cold, dead eyes, she grabbed the marriage certificate and ripped it apart.



SC276: [Lilly] “Hah! That was only a copy for my records!” [Dew] *blows up City Hall*

Crazy56U: And then Dew knocks her the fuck out.



Then she slowly extends her arm in front of her. Her hoof opens dropping the shredded paper.



SC276: HOOVES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Crazy56U: Why are you littering?!

Topher: *Police Sirens*

NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “I knew setting up shop here was a mistake!”



Resting in the palm are the remnants of a slip of paper. All that is left of Lilly’s marriage certificate.

“NOOOOOOOO! My marriage registration!” She cried out.



Neo: You mean you didn’t make any copies? You mean that the office you went to didn’t make a single fucking copy to store in their records?



Delightful! So they can even affect the most emotionless of ponies!



NaturalGlitch: Please don’t let Maud be in this story. PLEASE.



The Glasses Of Love are more powerful than I could possibly imagine!



Neo: Hey, I just realized something. Why don’t those glasses affect Ice Star?

SC276: That’s what I’d like to know!

Crazy56U: Maybe they do affect her… Maybe they just make her a sociopath. (shrugs)

SC276: Nah, she was an ass long before those came into play.

Crazy56U: (eye twitching) You don’t know that.



It was then I notice Dew grabbed something from her mane and in her hoof. Gripped in her hand was a detonator.

“Oh my... is that... a detonator?” I asked her.



Neo: I don’t know Ice, is it? It’s not like you just said it was a detonator or anything.

SC276: Also, ponies can now switch between having hands and hooves freely. Lyra would have a field day.

Crazy56U: No, it’s a potato. (dead-eyed glare)



Her only answer is to depress the red button atop of it. The sound of explosions filled the air.



NaturalGlitch: Please let it kill everyone in the store.



“Oh! Ah yes! The sweet sound of multiple explosives detonations! I love the smell of explosions in the morning!



SC276: Why hasn’t Sapphire been arrested yet again?

Crazy56U: Dew was the one to blow shit up, not Sapphire. ...you raise a good question, regardless…

Topher: Are the police just going to ignore the whole severed-penis-serial-killer-sex-den thing?



And I do believe they are coming from the direction of where Canterlot wedding was!” Sapphire said happily.



NaturalGlitch: So...she set all the bombs before the glasses incident? Just what was she doing before she went into the store?



“WHAT?! No! I won’t be able to submit one of my duplicate marriage registrations!” Lilly yelled shocked.



SC276: I WAS JOKING.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a can of Diet Coke) Here, friend. You need a drink…

SC276: (grabs it and chugs)



“You actually had more of them?! You conniving little bitch!” Scarlet said angrily.

Fluffy walked up to the now crying Lilly and said,

“You got one of the guards to make you a fake seal... That’s pretty sad. Impressive... but sad.



SC276: What’s sad is this fic.

Crazy56U: ...do you mean seal, the emblem or seal, the animal?

SC276: And if the former, is it on fire?

Crazy56U: And if the latter, is it on fire?



“Analyzing subject. Dignity... undetectable. Likelihood of getting Reaper... below detectable parameter.



Crazy56U: (chucks another magnet)

NaturalGlitch: I hope she turns into the Terminator and gets to shoot up the place.



“There’s no way that Reaper could possibly fall for somepony like Lilly. She’s not even an adult yet.” Said the brown pony.



Neo: Oh trust me...not being an adult has never stopped Reaper before.

Crazy56U: Or the Author.



“Wh-Why is everypony ganging up on me? It’s so unfair... It’s just that... I... feel in love with Reaper.” Lilly said still crying.



SC276: So has everypony else. That’s the bloody plot.



It was then I heard somepony at the front door and it wasn’t somepony I was expecting that’s for sure.



NaturalGlitch: [Tirek] “Well, howdy-do, slaves?”



“Excuse me, but what did you just say…?” Said a random voice.

“Sky?!” Reaper asked surprised.



SC276: Great, another new character we don’t care about.

Crazy56U: At least each new character is completely well-developed and- I can’t even finish this...



Well this is both unexpected and pleasing. Its Reaper’s younger brother.



NaturalGlitch: ...don’t go there, story.



I guess I’ll have to explain him as well.



SC276: I just said we don’t care.



He has a dark yellow mane with a dark blue coat. He is a unicorn who also works at Canterlot alongside Lilly.



SC276: And suddenly Canterlot is a company, I don’t know.

Crazy56U: Makes sense, given that it’s roughly 85% wealthy, stuck-up snobs…

Topher: It’s the corporations, man! They’re ruining Equestria! OCCUPY CRYSTAL EMPIRE 2016!



His obsession with Reaper is rather... Unsettling to say the least. It is not my place to judge nor do I care but it is still unsettling regardless...



Waterpear: Okay, to recap: this story has a vampire, a pedophillia joke, a love curse, demonic possession, two consecutive attempted rapes, cyborgs...and now gay incest.

Neo: Don’t forget the bombing of a Marriage Office that probably killed hundreds of innocent people.

SC276: Something for everyone!

Crazy56U: WRONG. There’s no quality.

SC276: ...something for everyone with no taste!

NaturalGlitch: Go ahead and judge; we already are.



“You seem to be surrounded by a great number of beautiful women. Perhaps you can explain the meaning of all this...” He asked angrily.



Sven: I’ve lost track of how many times these characters have switched from being humans to ponies and back again.

NaturalGlitch: I know hoping that Sky takes off Reaper’s glasses is useless, but it’s all I have left.



“Hey! Not you too?! And what’s with your eyes? They’re... heart-shaped…?!” He asked stepping back.



Neo: You should probably get those looked at.

Crazy56U: Yeah, I think that’s a sign of eye cancer...



What madness is this? Is sexual preference a little more than a simple bump on the road for the Glasses Of Love?!



NaturalGlitch: You’re one of the reasons no one likes bronies, author.



... Although in the ultimate analysis, I rather doubt his feelings towards Reaper required much... modification.



SC276: If this is based on the BlazBlue joke that is apparently a thing, I’m staking the author.

Crazy56U: Do it anyway.



As he stepped closer to us, He seemed to get angrier with each step.

“You horrible pack of harpies, don’t you dare touch my brother! Get out of my way, or I’ll cut you all to pieces! He demanded.



NaturalGlitch: [Sky] “I also narrate my own actions!”



He drew his sword and pointed it to us which means one thing... He has the intent to kill.



Neo: You don’t say? Unless by “sword” you meant penis, in which case this is now a very different scenario.

SC276: [Sky] “Let all those closing quotation marks be a lesson to you!”

Crazy56U: No, stop, what are you doing?! Kill Ice Star! SHE DID THIS!



My danger sense springs to life,



Topher: You know, I realized this might be dangerous a little earlier, when we found out Sapphire enjoys mutilating and raping people.

Crazy56U: Did you just rip-off the Spider Sense?!



and I jumped out the nearest window I saw.



NaturalGlitch: [store owner] “Why?! Did I do something bad in a past life?!”



Not a moment too soon. As I saw the place covered in ice, it ruffled my perfect bangs.



SC276: [Ice Star] “So I blew up the planet for offending me, wot wot.”

Crazy56U: ...WHY DID ICE STAR SURVIVE?!



What I saw in front of me is neither love, nor hate, nor obsession... Merely an icicle of what was once a store. Don’t worry they aren’t dead they are simply frozen is all they will indeed thaw out eventually.



Waterpear: Yeah, and then you’ll have a pile of corpses who died of hypothermia.

Neo: I feel like he couldn’t come up with an ending so he just went with this.

SC276: Wait, where did the ice come from? Did she just freeze the entire building to keep Sky from killing everyone?

Sven: A better question is ‘Do we care?’

Crazy56U: Uh, yeah, no, they’re totes dead.

NaturalGlitch: I... Well, no wonder Reaper hates Ice Star.



As I turned my back on the place , I noticed the Glasses that were the source of the problem.



SC276: They had somehow jumped out the window too.

Crazy56U: The Glasses wanted to end it all...



Although I started this, I couldn’t help but get the feeling that it was more than that.



SC276: No. No. There is no deeper philosophical meaning here. You are just a dick.

Crazy56U: A dick trying to search for a nonexistent meaning… … ...was this originally supposed to be a “Game Theory” fan fic?



I glared at them but in the end I decided to pick them up that was resting near my hoof. With a bit of hesitation I pick them up.



NaturalGlitch: You. Don’t. Say!



The Glasses Of Love... A powerful item indeed... They can work their powers on mares and stallions of all ages... But wait. Why, then, did they not affect me?



SC276: That’s what we’d like to know!!

Crazy56U: Why? Because we like you!



Was it possible that I liked him from the start? No... It couldn’t be. Why would I like that despicable, foolish, stupid and, uncaring of a man?



SC276: Quit talking to your gender-flipped reflection.

NaturalGlitch: ...I was joking before!!



I shrugged it off and put the glasses over my eyes. The icy I see though the Glasses Of Love is a little frightening, a little, beautiful , and a little bittersweet…



SC276: I don’t know what that’s about. Then again, if anyone can figure out what the fuck’s going on in this story, I’ll give them a cookie.

Crazy56U: Hey, leave “Bittersweet” out of this; that story’s MILES above this drek! (steals SC276’s cookie; chews)

SC276: ...I’ll consider it fair exchange for the Diet Coke.

NaturalGlitch: Why did she put on—my left arm itches so I ate it.



Chapter End Notes:



RingmasterJ5: The story has only ever had one chapter and the fic is labeled complete, so I’m not really sure why it’s still called that. Definitely not a bad thing that there isn’t more of this, though.

Waterpear: That might be one of PFA’s idiosyncrasies.



How is the story? If there are mastakes (and I'm sure there are) leave a comment so I can learn my mastakes.



SC276: (collapses on the ground laughing madly)

Crazy56U: (closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose)

Topher: (sighs, walks away)

NaturalGlitch: I left my review of your fanfic in my toilet.



Did you like the story? Leave a comment and tell me your thoughts.



Fallen Prime: “And if I don’t like your thoughts, I’ll send personal attacks towards you and stalk you after I get banned for it.”

Waterpear: what the fuck did we just read

Neo: That’s what we all want to know. Honestly, it feels like we just read like the middle part of a story rather than the beginning or end.

SC276: You want my thoughts? The narrator is an unlikeable dick, none of the characters have any development or personality whatsoever, there is no hint of setting besides some vague store, and the plot is confusing as hell. And I know it’s not fatigue, because I gave it another pass after I went to sleep for the night. This “story” is just nonsensical nonsense.

Elric: Hi, I’m Elric. I wanted to comment on this but I didn’t. I couldn’t, because I’m dead now. Destroyershy destroyed me.

ChangelingLumin: At least he didn’t call you a backstabber and try to get you banned.

Crazy56U: I think we all learned an important lesson here, today. And that is… … …

Sven: Uh, don’t talk to a vampony, because she’ll make you wear glasses that make all the other characters fall in love with you, including your own brother?

SC276: Close enough!



* * *





RingmasterJ5: I wasn’t sure exactly how to follow up something like the last fic, but then our own Gli-er, Maud sent me this, which fits the other thing we commonly did in the old F/F/T3K, horrible obscure self-inserts that nobody has read but are incredibly riffable. Maud, a bit of an intro, if you will?

Kanzlerin Maud: Funny story about this particular sample, actually. I was hanging around in a Google Hangout (of course) with a handful of others, and for a larf, we decided to dig up some less-than-stellar fanfics to read and laugh over together. Needless to say, as I was touring around Fanfic.net for one such story, this one sort of… caught my eye, to put it that way. Aside from the very unassuming title, “My Life in MLP”, it seemed to be a special case of bad. One sentence in, and what do you know, I’d struck gold. It’s such a blatant self-insert with such horrid textual errors and stupidly contrived plot elements that I couldn’t help but find it utterly hilarious, if only because of how audaciously awful it is. Though, that could be the madness settling in…

RingmasterJ5: And a few paragraphs into reading it myself, I was reminded of another, very similar fic I read years back that had so much in common with this one that it’d be foolish not to pair them up. Both of them are stories from Fanfiction.net posted in 2012 with extremely short “block-of-text” chapters with shitty writing and horrible grammar that involve an OC human coming to Equestria, romancing a canon pony, and somehow beating Discord. But we’ll get to that one later, for now have this... abomination.

Cola: Not just HiE, but a double helping of the toilet fodder. Are you trying to kill us?

Maud: Did I also mention that the author posted thirteen chapters as a single chapter? Because he did. And that’s terrible.

Fallen Prime: Oh god, the grammar of the story titles... fuck your shit, Kanzerlin.

Maud: I apologize for nothing.

Steel: I at least apologize for not being here on time. LET THE RIFF BEGIN!

Cola: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.



It was 2018, I just turned nineteen and I am off my way to go to collage.



Sigma: With that spelling I find it unbelievable that any college would accept you,

Something: Oh boy here we go.

Maud: Yeah… Let this set the tone for what’s to come.

NaturalGlitch: I should sue for tense whiplash.

Neo: Also, can we just address the fact that he said he was going to ‘Collage’?

Cola: To be fair, the character probably belongs more in a collage than a college. Collages are made up of flat things.

Crazy56U: With any luck, the collage is that of “The King of Town’s Adventures in Giant Cockroachland”. Either that or Judgement Day, since it is 2018...



due to the lack of funding



NaturalGlitch: “—they had to teach some of the classes in the bathrooms...”

Crazy56U: “the school had to double as a prison.”



I couldn't go on my eighteenth birth day



Something: Not two words.

Steel: A whole year gone by, and no school to support his knowledge. Well, he’s screwed.

NaturalGlitch: “I’ve always had trouble ‘going’ for some reason, if you know what I mean.”

Crazy56U: Because, as we all know, all colleges everywhere must close for a year after you turn 18. All that funding goes into your birthday presents.



I was supposed to go to florida to study gaming



Something: Because that’s totally something colleges teach.

Neo: I mean, studying game design is one thing, but just gaming is something you do at home...not at school.

Maud: Nowadays, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Steel: It’s the year 2018! Game testing is a burgeoning industry with all the AR hentai games. Gotta build endurance somehow!

Crazy56U: Really? Florida? Instead of literally anywhere else? ...excluding Texas, of course, for obvious reasons?



and movie animation.



Fallen Prime: ...what’s even more depressing is that this is exactly what I’m in college to study.

Steel: And then Fallen Prime was actually the main character.

SC276: Better you than me!

Cola: Fallen, it’s not your fault.

NaturalGlitch: “And all they taught me was how to cry while looking at my student loan bills.”

Crazy56U: And since this college is in Florida, that means the animation is going to be Video Brinquedo-level quality. ...you know, if they still exist in 2018.



"well mom i'm off to winter park" I said.



Steel: “This really nice guy in a red jacket and awesome moustache gave me a ticket!”

SC276: Winter Park. In Florida. Someone’s desperate for attendance.

RJ: Considering one of the largest cold weather testing facilities is in Florida, I’m not surprised by it.

Crazy56U: Do you even know what Florida is like in terms of weather? Snow is practically a myth there.



"please be careful I don't want you to get hurt,



NaturalGlitch: “Remember that time you stuck your head in the toilet? Let’s not have another incident—OK?”

Creazy56U: Please, your lips say “Be careful.”, but your text formatting says “Please get eaten by a bear.”



please call me when you get there."



Sigma: “After all, I need SOME sort of beacon to direct the air strike on you.”



"I will mom," I replied,



NaturalGlitch: “I’ll even use a phone this time and not my mental powers that I totally have. The voices got really mean last time.”

Crazy56U: And he never did.



"don't worry i'll be fine."



Fallen Prime: This reassurance brought to you by the National Fate Temptation Committee.

Steel: Major donators are Foreshadowing Inc., Aperture Science and The World Association For Pony Societies.

TopherRiffs: And the support of readers like you. Thank you.

Crazy56U: She dies at the end, doesn’t she...



I am on my way now to florida.



Something: Wait, Florida? I thought you were going to the park! Make up your mind!

Steel: Silly Something, Winter Park is in the Sunny State, obviously! Where it’s always summer.

Cola: We are on our way now to hell.

Scarlet: This is the lamest story rap I have ever heard.

Crazy56U: We… knew this?



it took about three days but I manage to make it



NaturalGlitch: “Sure wish I didn’t have to ride a goat to get there; they always eat my lunch and steal my money.”

JofY: “He was tasty though.”

Crazy56U: That’s... not really impressive since you never specified where you were coming from. For all I know, you were in Georgia, got lost for 3 days, and then stumbled across Florida by accident.



with my pre packed food supplies, mostly ham sanwhiches



Fallen Prime: That’s not how you spell sammich.

Steel: That’s also not part of a balanced breakfast! Get some grains in there, kid!

SC276: Have there been capital letters besides “I” yet? I’ve already started blocking this out.

Crazy56U: Theory: the ham was spoiled, and the narrator got severe food poisoning. Hence the issues in writing.



and cokes. I was tired Iskiped the tour till the net day i got my appartment key and unpacked.



Cola: Appartment?!

Sigma: I think he probably skipped the “Rough draft - Final draft” process too, judging by the writing.

Steel: He tried to skip the publishing process, too, but that would’ve been too much work.

Neo: This isn’t even a rough draft. The author just somehow managed to find a way to transfer his unfiltered thoughts directly onto paper in a chaotic mess.

Cola: It’s really just a pile of random neural firings.

NaturalGlitch: Maybe some maniac who gets off on horrible grammar and spelling broke into this guy’s house and forced him to write like he has metal shrapnel in his brain.

Crazy56U: This only serves to confirm my “food poisoning” theory...



"hey there!" said fiendly voice.



Fallen Prime: Yeah, most fiends have voices like that.

Steel: Enter the villain!

RJ: (overly happy) Hey there new neighbor! We’re having a potluck block party next week, it’d be a pip if you could come! I’ll be kidnapping you all afterwards for some evil plot! Oh, and it’s BYOB! See ya there!



"Yea you whats your name?" he asked.



NaturalGlitch: “Luci! ...fer.”

Crazy56U: “Christian Grey!”



"My name is Chris whats yours?" I replied with an awkward tone I never noticed before.



Crazy56U: ...okay, then, managed to guess that by accident...

Fallen Prime: I hope you’re proud.

SC276: I’m guessing now that the protagonist is either a girl or gay, and shipping will ensue.

NaturalGlitch: “My name is Sue. Mary Sue.”



"My name is Andrew, andy for short."



Fallen Prime: Or call him Drew.

Steel: And then Twow was the supporting character.…



"Well its nice to meet a friendly face."



NaturalGlitch: Too bad it’s not his own! Dun dun du~un!

Crazy56U: Wait, someone stole his face? Is this now Face/Off 2?



I looked at him with one of my famous smirks.



Something: More famous than Ben Affleck’s?

Sigma: We don’t even know who this asshole is, how can he say ANYTHING about him is famous?

Steel: Nah, it’s just his smirk is the trademark of douchebags everywhere. That’s how he’s famous: he invented it.

Scarlet: I’ve actually got a few of them in my back room. Bought ’em off of Ebay before he got big.

Crazy56U: It’s world famous because it makes him look constipated.



"Do you go to Sailing Arts U?"



Something: Worst college name ever.

RingmasterJ5: Ah, yes, Sailing Arts U. Clearly the most prestigious college for… gaming and movie animation.

Neo: I feel like that’s supposed to be a reference to Full Sail University, but I know that the author probably couldn’t think of a good name so he just ripped one off. Though my question is, if that was the case...why not just put Full Sail Univeristy in the story?

Cola: The author couldn’t even steal the name correctly.

Steel: Shipping Arts U, premier destination of all fanfiction writers! Their graduation rate is a bit too high, though.

JofY: Well, they do work on a pass/pass system.

Crazy56U: Eh, I don’t get why they made a Wii U port for Sailing Arts. It worked just fine on the Wii...



he asked with glee. "actully I do i didn't want to go today because I flet tired,



NaturalGlitch: “Sure, I mean, I did pay a freakish amount of money that I’ll never see again and will be paying my student loans for the rest of my life, but I get so tired from staring at walls.”

Crazy56U: (Googles “flet”) … ...you “floor” tired?

Scarlet: Why are we talking about Forward Lines of Enemy Troops?





so I just came to get key to my apartment."



SC276: From what I understand, this is the actual behavior of college students.

Topher: Yeah, that’s actually pretty spot on.

Scarlet: Nah, full accuracy requires that he order a pizza as well. Like, immediately. And also that he be drunk.



"Do you need help unloading?" he offered.



Cola: Wow, salty! This got under way quick! So now the gay sex -- oh.

NaturalGlitch: “Here—have some stool softener to help you unload.”

Crazy56U: Yep, I know how this scheme works. You offer to help someone move in, and then you abscond off with their expensive stuff. I read the news, I know what your game is...



"Yes I would appreciate that thank you."



Fallen Prime: The commentary’s probably going to obscure the paragraph divides, but I SWEAR these paragraphs have multiple speakers.

Steel: ANDREW-002, COMMENCE RESPONSE AND MANUAL LABOR ASSISTANCE.

Cola: This is the first time I’ve seen a fanfic riffing that made the dialogue slightly more readable.

Crazy56U: Only slightly, it can’t work miracles...



we manage to get every thing unloaded before the night life emerged.



Something: NOW KISS.

Steel: Now we get funkeeeeeh.

Neo: The author is teasing us at this point.

SC276: So, flowers that open in the dark, or…?

RJ: Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand...

NaturalGlitch: ”A full night of Counter-Strike Source! But not CS-GO; that’s for noobs who like change.”

Crazy56U: Suddenly, vampires.



basicly when all the frat partys begin.



Fallen Prime: Just in case you weren’t aware of what the college nightlife is.

Sigma: My eyes are hurting.

Steel: I never had this shit in college. Jealous.

SC276: My college probably has these, but I’m both not interested in frats and really uncomfortable with loud noises, so…

Topher: Rally together introverts! There are dozens of us! DOZENS! Well, I guess if you’re rather stay home, that’s okay.

Crazy56U: I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I am digging this MLP story so far! ...sure wish the MLP part would show up, though...



I wasn't a party goer my self



NaturalGlitch: “—but my other self is, so I wore his skin that night.”

Crazy56U: “because I saw The Hangover films, and they taught me why partying is bad. And progressively not-funny.”



but I managed to go now and then.



Steel: “I saw some shit.”

SC276: “It’s where I stuck spaces in all my compound words.”

RJ: He knows his limits. He stops drinking before he gets coherent and articulate.

Cola: I’m not sure that’s really a danger, RJ.

RJ: … Can I start drinking until he gets more coherent and articulate then?

Fallen Prime: If I have to riff sober, so do you.

Crazy56U: He camped out by the bathroom just in case.



when I went inside my new, small, temparary home,



NaturalGlitch: “I live in a hut until they can relocate me to a real house.”

Scarlet: Between that and the FLETs, the plot twist here is that he lives in a war zone.

Crazy56U: Or, as it’s better known, a box in the back alley.



I unpacked the basics.



Fallen Prime: It was an extra twenty bucks to unpack the premium edition, and another forty for the season pass.

Steel: FUCKING DOWNLOADABLE BAGGAGE.

RJ: Eh, I’ll just wait for the Home of the Year edition.



"Ahh much better." I sighed with relif.



NaturalGlitch: “I confused my bed with the toilet; they have the same smell.”



I just unpacked all my electronics and what not basic livng things, tv,xbox,my laptop, and lighting fixures,



Something: No Nintendo, no friendship, that’s what I say.

Steel: Nintendo: Creator (Mario Kart) and destroyer (Mario Party) of friendships.

SC276: I love how the entertainment system is considered the “basics.” That’s today’s generation for ya.

Neo: He also considers ‘Lighting Fixtures’ to rank higher than clothing as far as the basics go. Hell, clothes aren’t even on the list!

JofY: What about food?

Cola: Wait, lighting fixtures? He brought sconces to college? What the fuck?

RJ: Maybe he’s going to feng shui the hell out of that apartment.

Topher: Didn’t didn’t Cola just say he brought magical glowing scones?

Crazy56U: Well, just when I thought it was impossible, I managed to lose even more respect for the guy...



the list goes on.



Sigma: Hopefully that list includes a cyanide capsule.

Something: And maybe some bleach just in case.

Steel: An extra sacrificial XBox controller as well.

Crazy56U: He probably has a Kinect, too...



when I sat down on my couch,



NaturalGlitch: “—I try not to think about the amount of human bodily fluids make their home on the couch...”



I turned on the tv and watch my little pony: friendship is magic.



NaturalGlitch: “I ignore entire episodes of world building and canon for my superior brain-farts, like a true brony.”

Scarlet: I’m more impressed he’s actually watching it on the television and not pirating it off YouTube or something.

Topher: I’m pretty sure viewership would double if we started to watch it when it was actually on. Imagine the ratings! the budget increases! the overall increase in quality! BAND TOGETHER, MY FELLOW BRONIES, WE SHA- wait, it’s on in the MORNING? fuck that noise, I’m staying in bed.

Crazy56U: I’m essentially dead before noon, so I feel ya.



Secretly



Something: Because you’re not comfortable enough with yourself to admit that the term “guilty pleasure” is a load of bollocks.

Steel: Some people just aren’t secure in how others feel of them.

Neo: Clearly this author has no such inhibitions if he actually posted this.



I kept this from friends and family because of fear of disrespect.I was a " closet Broney"



Fallen Prime: So closeted he can’t even spell it.

Steel: I’d use a gay joke here, but I don’t think there’s one that could do his closetedness justice.

SC276: A guy afraid of watching MLP in 2018? Gheeze, social justice has been slacking.

Cola: Damn Social Justice Slackers!

Scarlet: Well, the term “Social Justice Warrior” is an insult now and we had to think of new branding.

Crazy56U: Kid, I don’t think your friends would disrespect you for being a brony, not when you have so many other issues at hand.



as it were I always felt that I could live and fit in there,



NaturalGlitch: “I just hope they have something in my size.”



i had no problem fiiting in here in reality either



SC276: Not with that typesmanship.

Neo: ….Was that even a sentence?

Crazy56U: Well, only after you reject our reality and substitute your own.



but just there in ponyville it just felt... peaceful just peaceful.



Fallen Prime: Your sentence structure is... shoddy just shoddy.

Topher: Ponyville? Peaceful? Do you need me to get the list of all the shit that went down in just one year?

Cola: “It seemed so peaceful when Tirek tried to enslave the land, and when the battle between godlike powers destroyed nearly a whole town!”

NaturalGlitch: “And all the ponies and critters look just so huggable. Sometimes I accidently snap my pets in half from all the practice hugs I do.”



Chapter 2



Maud: Reminder that, yes, all of these chapters were posted as one complete chapter. What you see is pretty much what you get.

Fallen Prime: I never loved you.

Something: And no one ever will.

Steel: Ouch, I can feel the love here…

JofY: Wait! ...What the fuck, happened in that first chapter?

Crazy56U: Let’s see… the narrator went to college, met a guy, went to a party, unpacked some stuff, and watched TV. ...riveting, I know.



Over the next few days Andy showed me around the collage and the city.



Sigma: He then exploded, for Andy was secretly… a BOMB.

Topher: Andy prefers the term “Explosive American.”



for a city it was pretty small but all nice people.



NaturalGlitch: “They all had the same hairdo and smile, welcoming me again and again.”



we were walking past an old antiuqe shop but it wasn't for the old world warII items or the 1960 hippe outfit,



NaturalGlitch: “Or that weird sphere thingie that was leaking raw astral energy.”



which i dont know why they would sell that,



Fallen Prime: Because it still smells like Woodstock?

Crazy56U: ...because hippy clothing is outlawed?

Steel: “Why do antique stores sell important historical items?”



but an old cobalt blue box that some what looked like the box that contained the elements of harmony when the mane6 defeated nightmare moon.



Maud: Spoiler alert. It’s probably the real deal.

Fallen Prime: It comes with a curse. I don’t know what curse, but it’s a curse.

Sigma: The curse is that whoever suffers it sucks at storytelling.

Steel: THE CURSE OF A THOUSAND SHIPPERS.

Topher: But it also comes with a free frogurt!

Cola: Maybe it just comes with the reader cursing repeatedly?

NaturalGlitch: “♫My birth was a curse! / I bit the nurse!♫”

Crazy56U: Here’s a curse: fart.



i went into the shop and asked "Is any one here the sign said you were open."



Something: That’s not how you sentence, you purple fuck.

Steel: All the commas were on vacation. Humanity lost its ability to write.

SC276: I’d rather live in the Library of Babel at this point.



i walked to the front desk and there was a note the said,



NaturalGlitch: “Please ignore the fact this is written like a typical gaming creepypasta.”

JofY: No, in that case it would be a hyper-realistic note.

Scarlet: But it would be 8-bit as well. This merely costs eight bits.



"To whom who read this i am out of the shop to go to the bank to get some change if you would like to buy somthing please leave a note and exact price, thank you..."



Sigma: This guy would be robbed in a damn heartbeat.

Steel: Nah, it’s not robbery! Just take everything and mark it all down as $0! It’s proper shopping!

Neo: Little did Main Character guy know, the correct price was his eternal soul.

Cola: “...I have had stroke why cannot word good.”

Crazy56U: So, apparently someone still uses the honor system...



so i looked at the price at the box,



NaturalGlitch: “It had a note in it saying, ‘Please, if found, return to Pandora.’ “



the price it was one-hindred-nitynine dollars.



Fallen Prime: Dude, you have no idea what the collectibles market is like. That’s ludicrously underpriced.

Sigma: Do we have a word for beyond ludicrous? I feel like we need one.

Fallen Prime: Ridonkulous.

Steel: So ludicrous, it threw on a kilt and painted everything except the kilt plaid.

Cola: What’s one-hindred-nitynine dollars in American dollars?

Sigma: A turd and some flakes of dead skin.

Crazy56U: $20 in Monopoly money.



"I cant afford that... well not right now at least." i thought about it for a minute



Something: In reality, he was there all night. Because he’s stupid.

Steel: “That moment felt like an eternity...”

SC276: “Minutes turned to hours… Hours turned to days…”

Cola: LO, FOR THE AEONS DID PASS

Scarlet: That line feels like the plot hook for some kind of part-time job themed time management sim.



"Well my next paycheck was about $450,



NaturalGlitch: That’s about my months pay. ...(falls to the ground in a sobbing heap)

Crazy56U: Well, at least you can’t say the story isn’t completely unrealistic...



so i think i can rain check it." so i deceided



Something: Guys, I think he’s going to try and kill Go- wait, that’s supposed to be

“decided”. Never mind.

Steel: It’s the Monkey’s Paw all over again!

Cola: Ew, he de-seeded all over the place! Gross.



to write a note that said, "Dear shop owner i am a customer



NaturalGlitch: “—that is writing this on your cash register. I swear it was empty when I got here.”

Crazy56U: “at least I think I am, I forget how this ‘shopping’ thing works anymore…”



that walked in while ago by the time you get here i will be gone ...",



Fallen Prime: That’s gonna send exactly the message you’re intending.

Steel: “I came in and now I’m leaving. PS, your shop sucks.”

Cola: “...and I’m barely here as it is.”



i was writing the note when suddenly i heard an old woman's voice.



Something: “Wait, this isn’t the old opera house!”

Steel: “Dearie, might I request some assistance in moving this bag?”



"Well hello my dear, what can i help you with?"



NaturalGlitch: [old lady] “Die, die, die! I mean—um, hello!~”



I stuttered a bit "W-well i was intrested in that box over there i was wondering if..." "OH THAT THING," she shouted



Sigma: “JESUS CHRIST, WHY AM I YELLING?”

Steel: “IF I SCARE HIM AWAY, HE WON’T BUY MY PRECIOUS.”

SC276: I’d rather send the fic to Mount Doom, but the box will do.

Neo: “OH THANK GOD, DO YOU WANT THIS PIECE OF SHIT!? HERE, TAKE IT FOR FREE! SHIT’S CURSED, DEARIE!”

JofY: I HOPE IT ISN’T TOO MUCH BECAUSE MY HEART MAY NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE IT!!!

Topher: I seem to be having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!!

Crazy56U: LOUD NOISES!



"You can have that no charge!"



Maud: “It looks ugly as shit, anyway.”

Something: “And it has terrible battery life.”

Steel: “There are spiders living in it.”

SC276: “Special sale on life-changing bullshit plot coupons!”

Topher: Five bucks says he returns to the address later and the shop is gone.

NaturalGlitch: [old lady] “Now please excuse my cackling, won't you, dear?”



i asked "Why are you giving this to me for free?"



NaturalGlitch: [old lady] “It’s one of those trap chests that attack you instead of giving you gold.”

Topher: FUCKING MIMICS!

Crazy56U: “Because the economy is shit.”



she explained that every customer that bought that box could not open the dam thing



Sigma: That wouldn’t make it free, just more valuable for the mystery.

Steel: “Time to hit EBay...”

SC276: I’m not familiar with dams, but opening them seems like a bad thing in general.

Cola: “I help the special schoolkids by giving them tchotchkes. Don’t masturbte in public with it, dearie!”



"well did it used to have a key?" i wondered. "No it did not it just came with a note that i can't read it."



NaturalGlitch [Note] “They’ll never find her head now! Muahahahahahaha!”

Crazy56U: Was it this: ♪



so she shoved me out of the store and made a make shift sign that said "NO RETURNS"



Fallen Prime: Hopefully foreshadowing that he can never come back home.

Steel: “Huh. That’s the same sign the orphanage uses.”

Neo: Hang on a minute...i f there are no returns... then how did she get the box back from all those people who couldn’t open it? Did they just give it to her for free?

JofY: So… Did she give him the note or something?



so i decieded to walk home with the mystrious box.



Sigma: I hope the box has ebola in it.

Something: Or maybe a book on how to grammar.

Steel: Hell, a dictionary in this world must be a treasure.

Cola: I’m just going to hope it’s a “the end” sign.

SC276: ~Mystery box, what can it be? Is it a party? Maybe, we’ll see…~



chapter 3

Later on that day after all my animation classes,



Crazy56U: All one of them.

Something: “I finished all of college in one day!”

Steel: “All they did was show me how to use one of those digital cameras. Ten grand, well spent!”

Neo: That’s what he gets for going to Sailing Arts U instead of Full Sail.



i went home and just looked at the note and the cobalt blue box



NaturalGlitch: “Why does it scream at me during the night?”



with the mystrious emblems that looked like the elements of harmony. I studied that note for hours now it look like it was written in equestrian.



Maud: “I know this because shut up.”

Sigma: Do they ever even SHOW Equestrian writing? I don’t remember.

Steel: All of Equestrian lithography is squiggly lines. They’re constantly talking in a cypher!

Cola: It’s not a cypher. It’s ZalGO.

Scarlet: Look, just because none of you can speak pig latin….

Crazy56U: Ays-say ou-yay.



I looked up the alphabet for their language



NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I have this decoder ring I got from my cereal box.”



it took me about two weeks to study the entire alphabet.



Fallen Prime: An alphabet that... I don’t even think the show writers have developed.

Maud: He could have studied most of the letters, which… vaguely resemble ours anyway, yet isn’t consistent in the slightest. So, actually, I’ve no clue how he managed.

Steel: So that’s what he was doing during animating class!

SC276: On one hand, it’s 2018, and if the show’s still going, they’ve probably figured something out. On the other hand, it’s this fic.

Scarlet: Actually, it was in english the whole time. He was holding the paper upside-down.



afterwards i looked at the note and started decoding it.



Neo: “ur a faget kil yoorself”

Something: “Stop writing, you sack of donkey shit.”

Steel: “The note revealed a great secret I had been hiding for years... they knew. THEY KNEW ABOUT MY BIRTH.”

RJ: “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine…”

Cola: “I… canot… spelll… gud…”

Scarlet: “After you read this and turn around, you will die.”

Crazy56U: “Hello, I am a Nigerian prince...”



After about thirty minutes i finally decoded the note and it said



NaturalGlitch: “If you read this without the amulet, you’ll go crazy and write terrible works of fiction.”

Crazy56U: “U gonna die.”



"To whom reads this leter, this box contains a portal to another dimention



Fallen Prime: No, it contains the Elements of Harmony. Wasn’t that established?

Sigma: “A dimention is like a dimension, only shittier and full of bad characters.”

Steel: “Oh, another portal device.” He then burned the note and went back to his life.

Topher: Oh, God! Isn’t his how Martin Willis started?

Cola: Reading leters, portals to dimentions, gee. I can see we’ve got our work cut out for us.

Crazy56U: Too bad that dimension contains nothing but shrimp...



but in order to open this world you must know all the names of these emblems,



NaturalGlitch: “Then a shard of the Magic Mirror will materialize and shove its way into your neck. Don’t worry; this is normal.”

Crazy56U: “and then drink a gallon of bleach. Trust me, this is legit.”



they are your key to open the new dimenton…



Something: Maybe this is just an ad for Smell-o-Vision.

Steel: Try as he might, he couldn’t speak the names of those sacred elements: Plot,

Grammar, Spelling, Characterization, Pacing, and Description.

SC276: Entering the new dimension requires basic MLP knowledge and yet the thing was never opened? Are you kidding me? A five-year-old girl would literally had already figured it out.



but be warned, you will be stuck in this world for seven days to decided



Sigma: That’s the first properly spelled use of decide I’ve seen so far.

Cola: And it’s still in the wrong tense!

Steel: Seven days? I’ve seen demos that lasted longer!

RJ: Offer void in DC and Puerto Rico.

Crazy56U: Wait, seven days… Did this turn into a crappy Ring crossover?

RingmasterJ5: I hope not.



if you would like to stay in this universe or leave and the box will be destroyed



NaturalGlitch: “But be sure to include your credit card information and pin number...just in case. Yeah.”



and you as the opener will lose all memory of the events of the new world."



Fallen Prime: Which blows if he actually WANTS to remember his transdimensional vacation.

SC276: This is both really too long for what could conceivably fit on the Elements’ jewelry box and so loaded a final choice, if he doesn’t stay, I’ll eat my arm.

Scarlet: I assume the Equestrian alphabet was made up of bar-code thickness lines.



i thought of this for a few hours and i decided to open the box during my winter break which was not that far away.



Something: How long has he even been here, for fuck’s sake?

Sigma: So he just got to college, then a few days later got the box, then two weeks later he decoded it and it’s almost winter break. Jeez, and people complain about the MLP timeline.

Steel: He gazed out the window, stroking his long beard... “Winter is coming...”

Neo: If only this protag could end up like Ned Stark.

Crazy56U: Wait, it’s still winter? Dear God, the pacing is so fucked, I thought we were in the middle of Spring now...



the next thing i thought is "Is it really the my little pony world or



NaturalGlitch: “—the Equestria Girls world? I actually wouldn’t mind either one.”

Scarlet: It’s actually the Kingdom Hearts variant, so by traveling there he’s opening it to great calamity.

Crazy56U: “is it just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”



just a world that was unatended to be created and just used the same language as equestria?"



Maud: Asking yourself obvious questions: A cool thing to do, apparently.

Steel: The obvious question is “Where are the cameras?”

JofY: So, by that logic, his translation is total BS?

Scarlet: It’s probably a good thing this isn’t an anime fanfic. “Is this the world of Samurai Champloo, or just another world that speaks Japanese?”



and if it is Equestria, will i leave my own world to live in a world where most of the time is care free?



Something: That question is almost as complex as “How is babby formed?”

Steel: “Live here where I have to go to school, or live there where I can sleep in a

hammock all day... decisions, decisions!”

Topher: Are we not going to bring up the routine monster attacks, or the constant threats to reality itself? No? Okay.

NaturalGlitch: “Nonstop hug parties, here I come!”



Chapter 4

It is december 1st,2018, it was the begining



Fallen Prime: I won’t pretend to know what that means, but I bet it involves the begina.

Something: The beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning? Both?

Steel: War was beginning.

SC276: AD 2018- aw dammit.

Cola: Wait, did this turd just start over somehow? Is this a mobius crap?

Crazy56U: of the end. ...God only hopes so, at least...



of the unknown journey to the new realm.



Something: The realm known as… Texas.

Sigma: Hey, we don’t want him. Fuck off.

Steel: Are you sure he wasn’t from Texas and just wanted to go home?

Crazy56U: Look, just dump in him Texas, that state hasn’t done us any favors...



So like the note said you must name all the elements shown.



NaturalGlitch: “Water, fire... Dang it! Wrong show.”

Crazy56U: “Solid, liquid, gas, plasma… Wait, this is my science homework…”



it was a little difficult since i haven't watch it for a while now due to a new season coming out and christmas specials.



Fallen Prime: First of all, are they even gonna be making the show through to 2018? Sounds ludicrous for a toy-driven property. Second, how long ago was this written, because the Elements should be with the tree now.

Steel: Better yet, when did the series actually start in this timeline?

Scarlet: This poor kid can’t remember six words, but apparently he can translate a whole foreign alphabet?

Crazy56U: So, real talk: did the show do an “It’s a Wonderful Life” parody in this universe?



so i went into my room which was surprisenly sound proof,



SC276: Well that’s convenient.

Topher: What college is he going to that has soundproof dorms? More importantly, how do I sign up?

Cola: *twitches* ‘Surprisenly’.

Crazy56U: Poor idiot doesn’t know what “sound proof” actually means.



and i said all the elements,"Honesty,Generosity,Loyalty,Kindness,Laughter and



NaturalGlitch: “—Polka! Wait, no...”

Crazy56U: “Believing! Wait, that sounds stupid…”



MAGIC!" suddenly my room started shaking



Something: Looks like the San Andreas fault line decided to intervene.

Steel: “THIS IS THE BIG ONE!”

JofY: Sorry, the correct answer requires you to breathe.



and i fell down



Steel: The box shoved him over.

Neo: “...and died the end.”

Crazy56U: “down down to the bottom of the sea.”



then as if timed stop so i can be back on the same time, date and year



Fallen Prime: I... THINK those were words.

Sigma: We can’t be too sure. Nuke it from orbit.

Steel: Then nuke it again, I like the explosion.

Neo: Hit it with the Hyper Nuclear Super Duper Bomb Thermo Bomb whatever.

SC276: And then the protagonist was Sandra, Fairytale Detective. Cookie for whoever heard of that before now.

Crazy56U: Space is warped and time is bendable.



but i wasn't sure.



Something: Wouldn’t be the first time.

Steel: Join the club.



but when i looked at the small box,



NaturalGlitch: “—a claw burrowed right into my skull. I feel no different in my mental faculties."



it suddenly transformed into a giant doorway to the other side.



Steel: “I fell on through! To the other side!”

Topher: Did he die? I hope he died.

Scarlet: Unfortunately, like many lower creatures, he is simply too stupid to die.



i took a deep breath and hoped i would meet all the little ponys.



Something: As opposed to the dragons and weird ass tree wolves.

Steel: Timberwolves would be creepy as shit.

SC276: Unless you got rocks to throw down their throats.

Topher: Or fire. Has nobody considered using fire?

NaturalGlitch: Only if you got a thing for forest fires.

Scarlet [In an excited falsetto]: Do I ever! Next wolf I meet I’m burning the shit out of it!

Topher: I’ll bring the marshmallows!



"Here goes nothing." i said to my self with a nervous smile like if it was an actual event.



Sigma: Yeah, because going to another fucking world isn’t an actual event.

Something: But is it the movie event of the year?

Steel: I think E would argue with that.

Neo: Man, what qualifies as an event to this guy? Becoming Pope President of The 34th Spanish Space Inquisition?

Topher: Well, that would be an unexpected twist.



I had my backpack filled with my ipod for entertainment,



Something: That’ll last 8 hours most. Bet it’s filled with Three Days Grace.

Crazy56U: Jesus Christ, how big is your iPod that is can fill your entire backpack?!

Steel: He filled his backpack with iPods. Can never have too many!



some notebooks ,



NaturalGlitch: “—my only other pair of undies...”



pens and my lucky pair of sunglasses.



SC276: I see the “Deal with it” meme is in his itinerary.

RJ: Or he’s prepared for a CSI: Miami moment.

Crazy56U: (brandishes baseball bat)



I steped through the portal and just seen whiteness for a few moments then i was in a forest.



Cola: Seen whiteness? So you’re in suburbia now, watching soccer moms and bratty little kids named ‘Thad’?

Fallen Prime: And it only took four “chapters.”

Steel: Which in essence, was half of one.

SC276: And like fifteen minutes of my time which I want back.

Neo: Hey, look at this way. At least he didn’t show up in Equestria falling from the sky...no, wait, that would have been better because he would have died. Shit.

SC276: Unless he was a cursed alicorn prince, but what are the odds there’s two of those?

NaturalGlitch: “I ended up in Changeling territory and was torn apart by the Chupacabra and flowers which love eating flesh.”



Chapter 5

I looked around the area, i was in a forest but i coulden't tell



NaturalGlitch: “I see a bunch of trees and a water stream, wild critters and grass, but I don’t know if this is a forest.”

Scarlet: Hey, let’s be nice. Could be a horrible delusion. Heaven knows if I was transported into an alternate plane of existence, I’d begin reality-testing.



i made it so i wandered a round the forest till i managed to get out of the forest



Maud: I’m disappointed. He wasn’t even eaten by a manticore.

Sigma: I’m disappointed that he said forest three times in one mess of a sentence.

Steel: “I wandered through the forest to escape the forest but the forest kept me in the forest! Dastardly forest!”

SC276: Forest forest forest, forest forest? Forest, forest!

Neo: For fucks sake Forest doesn’t even look like a word anymore.

Cola: RUN FORREST oh never mind.

Crazy56U: Glad to know the forest was vital to the story, then...



and i wandered around even more till i ran into a barn



NaturalGlitch: He ended up in Barnyard Animals.

Scarlet: And promptly committed suicide to escape. Good end.

Crazy56U: “and then promptly pulled a Kool Aid Man and burst through the wall.”



i step into the barn and i heard,"What in tarnation, AppleBloom



Something: “Your name ain’t spelled in one word!”

Steel: “Learn them spaces!”



what are you doing!"



Fallen Prime: Oh, find me in the Alps…

SC276: Where the… goats roam?

Steel: “Didn’t I tell you t’ stop summonin’ ponies!?”



it was then i realized i was at AppleJack's farm.



Sigma: Applejack must be glad she’s not AppleJack right now.

Maud: Wherever she is, I’m sure it’s a much nicer place than this.

Something: Where she’s part of a nutritious breakfast.

Steel: Sweet and sugary!

SC276: Anyone else disappointed that he didn’t land in the Everfree?

Cola: I’m going to try to pretend that the rest of this is the character’s dying hallucination out in the Everfree.



i heard her hoofs coming this way



Steel: But the rest of her stayed put.

SC276: Her hat wanted nothing to do with this.

Cola: “Her head detached itself from her body rather than meet me.”



and hid behind the apple tree.



NaturalGlitch: All the trees in the orchard were hit by a radiation wave and became one gigantic tree.

Scarlet: Yggdrappsill- the World Apple.



AppleJack walked past me without a care, i sighed in relief. i looked to my right and i saw AppleJack in my face saying,"What the heck are you doing here!"



Something: I guess she’s just so used to there being humans in Equestria through bullshit means that she doesn’t even question why a human is even in Equestria.

Steel: “Migration office is that way, ya yokel.”

Neo: Hang on, what? So she walked past him and didn’t notice him and then suddenly she was to the right of him?

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Are you some kind of gigantic Imp or a wingless Harpy?”



i was in shock i yelled "What the fuck!"



Fallen Prime: Dude, there’s children!

Steel: THINK OF THE FUCKIN’ KIDS!

Sigma: SC! Watch your fucking language!

SC276: SHOTS FIRED!

Neo: Why is he in shock? He came here expecting ponies, and there is a pony. I don’t see the issue here.



after words i just talked mumbo jumbo



SC276: “This not bear and bird world. Mumbo took wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

RingmasterJ5: Wow, he actually managed to end up somewhere worse than Nuts & Bolts.



" howa... You were.. how...walking ...no...care.."



NaturalGlitch: Applejack is trying out a chant she learned from Zecora; it’s for banishing self-inserts.

Scarlet: No, no, that one starts with “oh god why did I ever think this was a good idea” and ends with ceremonially wiping your own hard drive.



she covered my mouth with her hoof and simply said, "Who are you and where did you come from?"



Fallen Prime: You’d think “what” would come before “who.”

Steel: “What are you and who did you come from!?”

SC276: “What are you and who are you doing?!”

RJ: “Why are you and what did you come from?”

Cola: “How you are? What doing! From where and come you?”

Crazy56U: What is going on and why.



she said with a gentle smile.



Something: Those aren’t questions that should be asked politely.

Steel: I was still in that ‘angry scowl’ mode.

Scarlet: To be fair, I had already bought up this guy’s remaining supply of “famous smirks” and at this point, he was making do with whatever was lying around.



"Ummm i am just lost so yeah,i umm gotta go." i ran as fast as i could then i triped



NaturalGlitch: Ah—the classic “ghost trip.” Now he’s going to fumble with his car keys for no reason.



"Hold on there little doggie, just where do you think you are going."



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “You hungry? You look awfully skinny to be a Minotaur, though. And where are your horns?”



she said with a giggle."Sorry i have to do this sugercube



Fallen Prime: Dude, spellcheck is your friend. Or did you two have a falling out?

Something: Spellcheck probably insulted his waifu.

Sigma: Spellcheck ejected him faster than a stream of diarrhea.

Steel: It’s like that asshole roommate who keeps setting fire to all your NarutoXTwilight fanfiction while in a pope hat.

Neo: Has this story entered Rape Mode? I feel like it has.

Cola: *twitches* ‘triped’.

Crazy56U: ...I quit. (leaves)



but i have to... well knock you out." she bucked me in the head, she was right i was knocked out cold.



SC276: I’m pretty sure that should do worse, so consider yourself lucky to have plot armor.

Neo: That should have quite literally obliterated his skull; there would be almost nothing left.

Cola: I wish.

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “I have this boxing match to win, and you looked big enough to take a little jab, so I used you for practice. Sorry I couldn’t find the rest of your brains.”



I started gaining my vision back but my hearing was a little fuzzy but i heard multiple voices that i can reconize the voices the mane 6.



NaturalGlitch: “I can hear the voices in my head, like a swarm of robotic bees buzzing in my brain, getting louder and meaner.”



"well he is... diffrent..."



Fallen Prime: There are SO many people I could offend with any number of jokes I could make. I’m on an Orange Is the New Black binge, so my first instinct was a transgender joke, but I’d just feel awful.

Sigma: “See, he believes in this guy called Xenu…”

Steel: “You’ve already lost me, and I worship a God-like pair of princesses.”

SC276: Let’s see, unconscious after arrival in pony world, woke up surrounded by Mane 6… I’m having Starlight flashbacks right now.

Cola: Diff’rent strokes. Stupid ones, in this case.



a gentle voice said. i murmmered "Twilighhhhhhhhhhttt?"



Something: “I thought that series ended years ago!”

Sigma: You obviously are unaware of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Steel: “OH GOD THE VAMPIRES ARE BACK FOR ME!”

Neo: They have arrived to suck you blood, among other things.

Cola: *twitches, shudders* ‘Murmmered’.



They all looked at me as if they were shocked. "Hello are you okay?" twilight asked.



NaturalGlitch: “I’m not afraid I’m wearing a tie you go home.”

Scarlet [As Twilight]: “Because if you are okay, we need to knock you out again.”



"Ummm nothing but a dam headache." i spoke in a full voice.



SC276: Nice and plump for the feast.



"Can you untie me please?" i asked while using my smirk.



Maud: If someone asked me to do that while smirking, I’d probably just lace on even more rope. And a chain or three.

Sigma: Kick him in the mouth for good measure.

Steel: He douchebag’d so hard, they threw Rainbow onto his face.

Scarlet: I’m just pissed that he still had a smirk. I was so sure I’d bought out his supply!



"Applejack, can you?"



Something: “-put him with the 12 other mopey white guys that came in last week?”

RJ: (Applejack) But he hasn’t even said the safe word yet!

Cola: “ -- buck him in the head again, a little harder? The first time didn’t even hurt him!”.



Applejack untied me and released the rope that held me down.



Cola: I think that’s actually an acceptable sentence! Hooray! The author learned some English! I’m sure the rest of this story will be a little better.

NaturalGlitch: Give yourself one gold star, author.

Scarlet: Then give it back to me, because that sentence structure implies that Applejack released her hold on the rope rather than releasing him FROM the rope.



i fell but I jumped right back up, saying thanks and stood up and brushed off the dust on my hoodie.



SC276: Oh so that’s what you’re wearing. Would’ve been nice to know before now.

Topher: he’s a college student and it’s winter. It’s pretty much a given he’s wearing a hoodie.

Cola: *begins twitching again, falls silent*



"Well who are you guys?" although i knew all of them already i just wanted to make sure i was in the right world.



Fallen Prime: Um... seriously?

Sigma: Is he trying to make sure it’s not Pony.MOV or something?

SC276: Have you seen how many fanfics, and thus individual pony universes, there are? This is a perfectly reasonable check.

Cola: “I’m Twilight, that’s Applejack, and that’s Rarity and Fluttershy! They worship Lord Smooze. Have you heard of our lord and devourer, Smooze?”



"Well my name is twilight sparke, you already met Applejack, this is fluttershy,rainbowdash,raritey,and pinkiepie."



Something: Wow, two are spelled right. That must be a record.

NaturalGlitch: “—and we’re the changelings—I MEAN, the mane 6. Yeppers.”



i jogged through my thoughts to confirm every thing.



NaturalGlitch: “I then flapped my arms like a special needs kangaroo and belched. ...I’m not sure why.”



"i have one question, where am i?"



Something: “The event horizon between your world and hell.”

SC276: No, that’s where we are.

Cola: Between would be nice. I’m pretty sure we’re in hell.

Neo: “You are in Purgatory, you were sent here after having your head obliterated by Applejack. Oh and, we are actually Grim Reapers.”



i asked. Pinkie pie jumped on me and in here party voice



Fallen Prime: Party voice is a thing, I guess.

Something: Can I buy that vocaloid for a dollar?

SC276: Where party voice? There party voice!

Neo: Is Party Voice at all similar to the Royal Canterlot Voice?

NaturalGlitch: I think a party voice is when you shout cheers through a microphone.



"your in ponyville silly."



Something: What is an “in ponyville silly” and where’s the factory they’re made in?



"I am!" i was in shock it was the portal to my little pony,



NaturalGlitch: Meanwhile, his head is spurting blood all over the floor. The ponies have no idea what it is and think it’s some kind of paint.



how can this be true i walk into that portal and end up here in this...world.



SC276: Well it’s probably due to the fact that you’re in a fanfic right now.

Neo: Why is he so surprised? He went through that Magical MacGuffin Doorway to go to Equestria… and now he is in Equestria...mission accomplished right?

Cola: I think this guy is shocked when the poop vanishes in the big white thing in his bathroom.



"what is your name?" Applejack asked."And what are you?"



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Rainbow Dash thinks you’re a mutant that came from a meteorite. She’s been watching too many spooky movies.”

Scarlet [As Twilight]: “I, on the other hand, think you’re a foreign presence summoned from another world whose inherent existence could destabilize our plane; so I’ll be blasting you in the face with harmony magic now.”



continued twilight. "well my name is Chris and i am a human i came through a box



Fallen Prime: Please don’t share.

Something: This gets 2% more bearable if you read it in a bad Russian accent.

SC276: I’d rather not, that’d make me 48% more likely to suffer death by Heavy.



that came with a note written in equeatrian,



Something: Whatever that is, it’s not language.

RJ: This whole fic is not language.

Cola: This is what happens if you leave language out on the counter overnight.

NaturalGlitch: If it was in Equestrian, how is he talking to them and how are they understanding—you know what? Never mind.



so i opened the box and entered an "poof" im here.



Sigma: Is it bad that when he said poof, my first thought was, “He turned gay?”

Scarlet: ...Turned? Did you forget Andrew so quickly?



Acording to the note i have seven days to explore this world



NaturalGlitch: “I can’t wait to go to Gelding Gorge!”



and then i decide if i will stay or go back and forget this all happened."



Fallen Prime: Still think the forgetting is a little dumb.

SC276: Compared to the rest of the fic, it’s practically standard.



"intresting..." twilight remarked,"so what will you do?", "i don't know," i mumbeled, "i can work with all of you guys and help for the first six days and i will decide if i stay or go,



NaturalGlitch: When he finds out he’s going to be the weakest, slowest, magic-less, tallest, talentless and dumbest creature in Equestria, that’s when the madness sets in.

Scarlet: “There will never be another McDonalds Cheeseburger.”



i also need a place to stay some where."



Maud: “Should I stay, or should I go…” I’ve got ten bucks on “stay”.

Fallen Prime: I’ll lay down fifty on stay.

SC276: Sucker’s. Bet.

RJ: (singing) If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Bunk with me! We’ll make cloud beards and take turns reading to Tank! Just be careful not to jump on the cloud parts; it’s a long fall.”



Chapter 6



Something: “The Undiscovered Country”.

Sigma: A much better movie that we’d all rather be watching right now? Yes please.



The first night i stayed at Applejacks farm i started there for obveious reasons,



SC276: How obvious were they?!

NaturalGlitch: “Now for my real mission—finding and wearing one of Apple Bloom’s bows.”



for starters i bumped into her first so i thought it would be comon sense,



NaturalGlitch: “I also felt a stirring in my loins when she kicked me.”



well at least that was how i was raised.



Maud: “You’re the first person I met, so I should stay at your place. Yes.”

RJ: Aw hell, he imprinted on someone already.

Cola: Now he’s going to be following AJ around all day long.

Scarlet: Chris is like an escort mission that lasts your entire life.

NaturalGlitch: And you can’t even send him to hide in trash cans.



i got up early about five in the morning not a problem for me,



Something: Please die of sleep deprivation.

Cola: It’s a problem for us. Sleep through the rest of the story.



but i think i was a little late i went to the barn where i met Applejack "Morning suger cube,



Something: What is “suger” and where are the plantations they come from. I wanna burn them all down.

Scarlet: It’s an Ancient Equestrian word for “fucking self-insert scrub”.



are you ready to work?"



NaturalGlitch: Did you know Lauren Faust wanted the ponies to ram their heads into the trees instead of kicking them? It was called “Apple Bumping.” Hopefully, this guy will try that instead.



she said in a cheerful tone. "as ever."



Something: You’ve been here ONE. DAY.

SC276: And a college student studying geek stuff before that, so I doubt you’re in shape.



saying with a smile. then she grinned and i think she blushed but i couldn't tell due to the early moring so there was barely any light.



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Oh poopy, I think I forgot to flush the toilet this morning.”



"So how hard can you kick?" she said with a small yawn.



Sigma: I can kick him hard enough that his testicles and eyeballs switch places.

SC276: So… to flip him upside down?

Sigma: No, just those, nothing else.

Cola: *sleazy voice* “You ever punch a guy so hard in the eye he swallowed it?”



"Kick, please applejack i knock these apples off in one punch."



Fallen Prime: Next segment’s him fucking up. Please.

NaturalGlitch: At least show that he’s weaker than a foal.



i said with a very excited tone. she giggled again, "well lets see those word some to action chris."



SC276: I’m not sure that’s an actual sentence.



she smiled and we both ran to the feilds to start work.



NaturalGlitch: You do know there’s more to do on an orchard farm than harvest apples, right? You could have him at least pick up the fallen rotten ones on the ground.



it has been a few hours and i actully proved her right although it hurt like a MOFO but i managed to suck it up.



Fallen Prime: Oh my god he’s doing it.

Something: Dying? PLEASE BE DYING.

Sigma: I second this motion.

SC276: Thirded like hell.

Topher: Fourth.

Cola: *eyes narrowed, she grinds her teeth* ‘Feilds’. ‘Actully’.



"Gee chris you showed me you have strength,"



NaturalGlitch: I’m going to assume he got this strength the same way Mario has freakish jumping and gymnastic abilities.



she was looking a me with her emerald green eyes, i look backed at her we stared at each other the i looked away to break the akward moment we both laughed,



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “Rodeo-style hug coming at ya! (she snaps him in half accidentally) What was that loud crunching sound?”



but i thinking in my head, does applejack like me?



Fallen Prime: Oh my god they’re gonna do it.

Maud: I want to say “fuck no”, but, that’s just denial at this point. Also, can I just mention that this story is rated “M”?

Fallen Prime: You’re dead to me.

Cola: *shudders, a single tear rolling down her cheek*

RingmasterJ5: Aw, Maud, I wanted to leave that a surprise.. but on the other hand, there’s your warning, everyone.

SC276: Steven Universe needs to air more often again. I need more affirmation that love at first sight doesn’t exist before my reality warps more.

NaturalGlitch: Rated “M”, huh? Well, let’s check this handy-dandy guide for some information!



i was shocked at first without making the emotional expression i looked at her again,



NaturalGlitch: “The meds have finally kicked in.”



she look at me again,



SC276: ~Then I looked at her / And she looked at me / And I said, “Um, / I think you have something in your teeth…”~



"well is that all the chores applejack?" i look at her again with my infamous smirk



Something: ...I don’t think I’m gonna like this fic.

SC276: Took ya that long to figure that out?

Sigma: Is anyone else getting VERY annoyed by his claims of fame and infamy?

Fallen Prime: He doesn’t have lightning powers, does he?



i use in my world and now here. "Yes, thats pretty much.." but before applejack finished her sentence a crashing thud interupted her.



NaturalGlitch: [in the barn] “Cutie Mark Crusaders Backyard Wrestlers!”



"sounded like it came from the barn." she was suprised. "lets go find out."



Something: “Eh, nothing much. Big Mac’s probably just jerking off again.”

SC276: Anything to get away from the dumb romance.

NaturalGlitch: Did you know that stallions masturbate by flexing their squishy and bendable “part” to slap their stomach? Thank you, Dirty Jobs, for putting that in my head.



i shouted while running half way to the barn. by the time i was there tired and sweating,



NaturalGlitch: All his strength must be in his arms. I will imagine him as Wario from now on.



applejack was there with out a sweat. "MY BARN!" she screamed.



Sigma: Raze this barn! Raze this barn!

Something: With this fork!

SC276: “MY CABBAGES!”

NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “It’s alive!”



As we see the remains all down in the ground



Something: “Big Mac! You are not allowed to jerk off ever again!”

NaturalGlitch: Also, the only soft spot of the hoof is a very small patch near the back called a frog. The rest is almost harder than steel...unless it’s been in water for too long.



we both saw rainbowdash on top of the rubble and she was hurt real bad



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I got dust in my eyes!”



"I'll stay here, you call the others." applejack nodded and ran to get help i ran to rainbowdash and asked, "Are you ok rainbow dash!"



Sigma: “The realisation of what you’re in finally hit you, eh?”

Fallen Prime: [Derpy] “Anything I can do to help?”



"No, i think i broke my leg i cant move it."



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Go get my pet Tank; he’s a field medic! And he looks even more adorable in a lab coat.”



"can't move it eh,hold on i think its not broken." "What do you mean?"



Fallen Prime: What do you mean, what does she mean? She said it twice!

Topher: Well, her leg is broken. Anyone got a gun?

Cola: Dibs on the first bullet.

NaturalGlitch: To do what? Start the hurdle race?



she asked with confusion. "it's dislocated this happened to me a few times when i was younger."



SC276: You dislocated your bones multiple times?! Hopefully not all doing the same dumb thing!

Topher: Oh, definitely by doing the same dumb thing.

Scarlet: So this qualifies as the first moment of accurate characterization in the entire story then.

NaturalGlitch: “I am also an expert on magical talking equines.”



"Ok.." she looked at me with a glare. " Ok on the count of three... one... two...THREE!" i relocated her leg back to her flank or what ever bone that connects her leg, i wasn't very smart in biology.



Maud: Then why are you even trying? You might’ve just made it WORSE!

Sigma: AND WHO THE FUCK WAS TALKING? Honestly, I can’t tell with this writing.

SC276: I’d explain, but repeating that text would kill more brain cells than this fic already is.

NaturalGlitch: If the Cutie Mark Crusaders can be OK after being turned into taffy, I think Rainbow can survive this, especially since she nuked a barn by flying into it without so much as a scratch.



"Ouch!, that kind of stung but i'm ok" she says happily while she moves her leg back and forth, side to side.



Maud: ...or not, because fuck biology.

Something: He did say he wasn’t smart at it.

Topher: I’m sure we’ll get a very thorough lesson in fuck biology later.

NaturalGlitch: “With my trademark smirk, I begin to massage the bottom of her hoof. I woke up in a hospital bed two weeks later.”



by the time she got up applejack and the others got there "rainbow, your okay." said applejack



NaturalGlitch: [Applejack] “And here I brought in the hug squad.”



"Yea chris fixed my leg he said was dislocateioned..,"dislocated" i corrected her,"right dislocated."



NaturalGlitch: “Gesundheit.” “Salutations!” “I want my snacks.”



she said with a smile with a little red blush for i guess for emberisment



Something: Is that a rare disease where you catch fire for being embarrassed?

Cola: *shuts her eyes, a trickle of blood leaking from her nose* ‘Dislocateioned’! ‘Emberisment’!

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I don’t have time to combust; I have to go to my karate lessons!”



or i already have crush number 2,



Maud: Quite the lady’s man.

Sigma: Glimo you son of a bitch, is this a harem fic?

Fallen Prime: Oh my god I’m gonna kick you in the parents.

Something: I’m gonna need some pliers for what I’m gonna do to Glimglam.

SC276: Can’t these people settle for one bloody ship?!

Topher: Ready your sporks, lads! Today we go on the Glimglam witch hunt!



ill figure out one pitched in to rebuild the barn it took the rest of the day but i didn't mind.



SC276: “Probably would’ve been faster if the other Apples existed.”

NaturalGlitch: “All I did was close my eyes for the whole day, and when I opened them up—BOOM!—instant barn.”



later on pinkie pie threw a barn rebuilding party for a clebration.



Sigma: How is it already fixed?

Something: The magical healing power of bullshit.

Topher: That sounds sanitary.

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “The power of lemon cake compels you!”



"Chris can i talk to you for a second" applejack wispered to me, "i just want to thank you, for your help no one couldn't know what happend to rainbow."



Fallen Prime: “We were TRYIN’ to cover it up, but then ya had to be a HERO...”

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I got to feel up her strong toned legs, so it was a win for me—I MEAN, um... Oopsie.”



"it was no problem i just knew what was wrong with her."



Something: “She’s in a bad fanfic.”

SC276: “Bit of an epidemic going around.”Cola: Wait, no, we’re in a bad fanfic. Wait, are we real? HELP.



i replied. "how?" she wondered." i asked what was wrong with her and thats how i found out."



NaturalGlitch: “She then did a hoofy kick to show she was OK. I had several heart attacks after that.”



"well thank you." she kissed me on the cheek,



Maud: Oh look guys, they did the thing.

Sigma: Glimo, don’t be alarmed, but I am going to rape you with a fork for this.

Topher: *pulls out a blowtorch* Want me to heat that up for you?

NaturalGlitch: ...how did she kiss him? Did she jump over three feet in the air? Is Chris really short?



then she blushed, i smilied then we just enjoied the party pinke pie threw.



Maud: Pinkie is the best at distance party throwing. What, you didn’t know? She threw one clear across Canterlot, that one time. Crazy stuff.

SC276: What happens if you put a party cannon in a party cannon?

Cola: *produces a thin, keening shriek as blood sprays from her nose* ‘Smilied’?! ‘Enjoied’?!

NaturalGlitch: “I have no idea how Pinkie picked up a whole party and tossed it, but my pants were too tight for me to think straight.”



Chapter 7

the next day arose



Fallen Prime: Can we still hope it stays at the day?

Sigma: Yeah, I don’t want to hear the details of Chris’ boner.

Topher: Believe me, at this point I think I can never get one again.

Cola: Yesterday adaisy, and Saturday aviolet.



looking back at applejack we both smiled and said good bye for now.



Something: “I’ll see you when you’re dead!”

SC276: Wait, we’re suddenly at tomorrow? What happened after the party? Does he just live in Applejack’s barn now? I took a quick nap and I’ve already forgotten everything.



i started walking to rainbow dashes house,



NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I have this random racoon tail I found in a box.”



well under her house since i don't have wings, nor i had the ability to fly so i had to yell to call atention to rainbowdash "Hey dash whats up!" i yelled out.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “My house! And me. And my cutie Tankie—um, I mean, Tank.”



she saw me and flew down right infront of me whiping here mane out of her face



Fallen Prime: She whipes here mane back and forth.

Cola: I can think of something else that needs ‘whiping’. My ass, with this fic.



and replied "Hi chris thanks for fixing my leg the other day."



Something: “I sold it for ten bucks more than I would have gotten for it!”



"No problem." i told her with a smile "So what are we doing today?" i questioned her. "I have the day off today so... i have no work today."



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Let’s punch each other in the face until one of us says, ‘Stop punching me in the face.’ My turn!”



she grinned, "wanna race?" she asked without hessittation.



Fallen Prime: You just broke your damn fool leg.

Sigma: But she has wings, he doesn’t, and she’s the fastest in Equestria as far as I know.

SC276: Is it usual for Rainbow to challenge people that’re way out of her league in the negative direction?

NaturalGlitch: Nah. I bet she’s trying out a challenge, like running on one leg or using her ears to fly or something.



"i love to but i don't have wings nor i don't fly."



Something: Somewhere, far out in the galaxy, your first grade English teacher

weeps.



i replied "We can race on the ground." she remarked. i replied "well alrighty then where do we race?" "How about to sugar cube corner and back to my house."



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “One-two-three GO! (zips away, then runs back) I win! Now I owe you a cupcake.”



dash replied "alright, but no flying ok." i chuckled. we began the race, she was in the lead but I was catching up to her.



Maud: No, you’re not.

NaturalGlitch: “Rainbow Dash wanted to try to run on only two legs, but she decided to use her front ones.”



she looked back and started runing faster, i was running even faster than her



Maud: No you are not.

Fallen Prime: The broken leg, Kanzy.

Something: Guys, she’s runing, not running. There’s a difference.

Cola: The second n is totally like flame and stuff. Totally.



she was shocked and grew tired eventuly i made it to sugercube corner.



Maud: Hahahahaha no.

RingmasterJ5: no.

RJ: So. Much. NO.

SC276: You are a game and feature animation college student. There is no fucking way you’re that athletic.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash, smirking] “Oh no, I guess I lost. That means you have to buy me something from the store.”



I rested for a second then rainbow came she was restless. "Wow your fast."



Maud: I don’t normally indulge in this, but… *you’re.

SC276: Actually, he stole that fast from her.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “That’s the last time I try to run only using my tail.”



she said while catching her breath."i was in track and feild when i was in high school."



Fallen Prime: While studying games and animation. Suuuuure.

Sigma: Doc’s claims of track are more plausible than this. Doc’s.

SC276: Pretty much everyone in my high school was required to take P.E. courses, except for those whose parents somehow got an exception, which included me, so...



i too was catching my breath and we started off again this time I sprinted and i met her at the end. She was shocked. "How can you run so fast?" she asked with a shocking look. "well i used to run alot in high school."



SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “It was either learn how to run fast or get tied to the flagpole at school every day.”



"well i want you to help me with a trick." she said. "what kind of trick is it?"



Fallen Prime: “I’ll show you. Spread ‘em.”

Sigma: “Ever heard of anabolic steroids?”

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I need to practice for a skip rope competition. I was hoping you’d be the rope.”



i asked while we both sat down under a tree.



SC276: The ground around Rainbow’s house has trees near it?



"Well…



Something: “There’s no trick. It just knows better.”



its called the twister." she said shyly.



Maud: So that’s what they’re calling it, these days.

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “It’s when you spin your body around so fast your limbs twist in different directions. Now, hold still...”



"Well how does it go?" i asked.



SC276: “Well first we spread out this mat, then we spin this spinner and it says things like ‘Right Hoof Blue...’”



"Come closer," i came closer, "closer," she said again with a giggle,



Something: “And then she shoved some chloroform into my face.”

Topher: Ah, the ultimate pickup line. “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

NaturalGlitch: Rainbow takes off her mask to reveal she was Pinkie Pie the whole time. “What a twist!” she says. “Get it?”



i moved till we were face to face. "are you ready?" she asked. "well how does it go," i asked nervously.



SC276: Hopefully something like Carrie’s segment in “The Tape.” Which… might actually be in-character for Rainbow.



she started to kiss me,



NaturalGlitch: “She bites down on my bottom lip—hard—and yanks her head to the side, twisting my entire body around like a top on its side.”



i resisted a bit but then i just said fuck it let see where this goes.



Maud: HEY GUYS LOOK, MORE THINGS.

Sigma: With a fork, Glimo. With a fork.

Topher: *Lights blowtorch*



We were kissing for a few seconds then she was using her tounge,



Something: Tounge - A special kind of mace mostly used for testicle crushing.



she was leading our tounges to meet each other and then she broke the kiss,"well..." she said with a smile in her face, "Not bad, for a rookie like you."



Fallen Prime: I hate everything.

Maud: I love you, too.

Something: I don’t.

SC276: There’s individual kiss positions based on tongue interaction? That’s seems overly convoluted and unrealistic, even for this fic.



i said in amazement. "Rookie," she said with a wierd tone," I have been praticeing for weeks now."



Sigma: Does author not realise how sad that sounds?

NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “I even drew a picture of you and stitched it to my kissing-practice pillow. Wanna see?”



but she looked away blushing, "Want to learn from a pro?" i offered her,



Sigma: I call bullshit.

Something: Bitch please. The only thing you’re a pro at is pissing me off.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I learned it from watching Dad and Mom going at it. They knew I was watching. They knew.”



she looked at me with her eyes widening "what do you know about kissing?" she questioned me.



Sigma: Yeah, making lips with your thumb and fingers doesn’t count, Chris.

Topher: Urge… to kill… rising...



"Come here and find out for yourself." i told her with a smile. she came back, we started kissing again, this time i took the lead and showed her how to properly kiss with the tounge.



NaturalGlitch: “Somehow their tongues got tied around each other. This is going to be one embarrassing trip to the hospital.”



Was four years worth of dating girls and kissing them to show a pony how to french kiss?, it totaly was.



Fallen Prime: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.

Something: ECH.

Sigma: I find this very implausible and would like to state that I also find it a bit disgusting.

SC276: And then Chris was Dr. Toadley- why am i comparing this to a good video game

NaturalGlitch: Who did he practice with—his sister?



she pulled back and was in amazement she looked at me blushing once more she looked at me and said with excitement "WOW, that was... really nice."



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Sorry I burped up the hay-fries into your mouth. I get nervous.”



she said from a yelling screech to a soft wisper like how fluttershy talks usally



Maud: Because every mare instantly becomes a Fluttershy when romance is involved.

Something: I don’t think this author has ever talked to a woman in his life.

Sigma: Tsundere mode, activate!



"Well i leared from the best." i remarked.



NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “My anime love pillow.”



I walked to sugarcube corner and walked with rainbowdash she was talking about the wonderbolts i was intrested that she met them and talked to them.



Fallen Prime: You’re a guy. I guarantee all you were doing was smiling and nodding politely.

Sigma: With one hand on the table and the other in your pants.

NaturalGlitch: Aww, I wanted to know more about the Wonderbolts...



when we reahed the shop, we saw pinkiepie outside watering the plants she looked at both of us and said "Whacha doing dashie and chrisie."



Something: “Plotting the genocide of griffons. How about you?”

Sigma: “Chrisie” sounds like a girl’s name. Not a dude’s nickname.

Cola: Maybe Pinkie can’t discern human genders?

Topher: She’ll learn the difference pretty fast if this goes where I think it’s going!



i was not really surprised that she called me that although i made a frown. "Awww lets turn that frown upiside by making cupcakes!"



NaturalGlitch: Remember when Cupcakes was the worst fanfic the fandom had ever written? Now it’s an all-out contest to see who can oneup each other. Bleg.



she started jumping happily.



SC276: If you’re going to write a terrible fanfic, at least put in all the words!



We walked into the kitchen dash,pinkie and I were starting to make cupcakes,



Something: (insert a series of obvious jokes about that one fic here)

Fallen Prime: Look, Something, there are things we’re above joking about...

Cola: We could not get lucky enough to have the MC murdered in this, could we?



rainbow was not great at baking just as i figured, i wasn't a perfect baker either but i was decent.



Maud: Because of course you were.

Sigma: The only thing he can bake is bullshit, and even that’s only half-baked.

Topher: *stops eating* Wait, this isn’t chocolate?

Cola: No, Topher, it’s...it’s chocolate, buddy. You’re doing the right thing.

Topher: *narrows eyes, but resumes eating*



About half an hour later we were finished



Something: Wow, that quick?

SC276: Must’ve been shortbread cookies or something?

Cola: Or a complete lack of knowledge about any aspect of baking?



"I think i'll go get some shut eye, i'll see you later chris." rainbow said.



NaturalGlitch: [Rainbow Dash] “Now to put on my Tank jammies and curl up with that Chrisie pillow.”



she look back at me smiling, she went home.



Fallen Prime: Without you? Damn, you got shut out.

Sigma: Fallen, even girlfriends wouldn’t want to wake up and see his face beside them.



Chapter 8



Something: I officially have no more sequel title jokes. Eh, I’ll save ‘em for next time.

Maud: Uhhh… “The Big Freeze”? Literally the only movie I know.

Sigma: My Life in MLP: Revelations.



After i saw rianbow



Something: Rianbow, son of Ryanbow.



dash fly off I didn't see pinkiepie jump right behind me, she knocked me down she was on top of me and shreiked



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “The dogs are after me! Hide me!”



"YAY you get to spend the day with me tomarrow!"



Fallen Prime: Let’s not talk about the marrow.

Something: But it’s my favorite drink!



I chuckled sure thing i'm kinda tired so good night we'll hang out tomarrow" i yawned.



Sigma: He ain’t the only one yawning...



i went up stairs lied on her bed and fell asleep.



SC276: OK, I have a distorted sense of time memory, but I’m pretty sure these days are going faster than days in 3D Legend of Zelda.



The next morning i felt a soft, sweet smelling blanket, but when I opened my eyes it was pinkiepie



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “You looked cold, so I became a blanket for you. Don’t ask.”



on top of me just staring at me when i was asleep.



Something: HEUGH.

RJ: (Pinkie Pie) I WATCHED YOU THE ENTIRE NIGHT.



"Morning sleepy head," she happily smiled at me. Rumors are true that her smell was cotton candy.



Fallen Prime: Rumors perpetuated by whom?

Sigma: 4chan.

Something: And Reddit probably helped.

Cola: “Boy, the drugs really work on you humans! Do you remember anything I did to you in the night at all?”



"You smell really nice." i said trying to wake up. "Your funny."



Something: I want to kill humor now. Who’s with me?

SC276: “What about my funny?”



smiled pinkie. "soooooooo...," i guessed " what are we doing today?"



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “Helping me find Gummy. (the toothless alligator is chomping down on her mane) Where is the little cutie?”



i aksed her while pushing her off my body.



Topher: Twenty bucks says sex. Kinky, sloppy, awkwardly written sex.



"Mr. and Mrs. cake are out of town so we have to run the sugercube corner for the day." she shouted. "Ok then not a problem." I said with a cheerful tone.



SC276: “I took maybe one semester at best of gaming - not even game design, gaming - and feature animation courses. I am totally qualified to co-run a bakery.”

NaturalGlitch: (shrugs) I guess he could reach stuff too high for Pinkie to get?



"what are we waitnig for then?" pinkie pie eyes widened "YIPPE!"



Fallen Prime: ...is that slang for something?

Sigma: It’s the trigger code to activate any nearby assassins. Hopefully, Chris will be dead within 5 minutes.



she shouted with glee. "Ok," she said, "We have to; make more cakes, make a wedding cake for the Harison wedding, make 10lbs of frosting, mop the floors,



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “—try not to eat the frosting, fail, make more frosting, fight off the cake monster...”



dust the cabenits, throw out the trash, and sell sell sell." "Is that it?" i wanted to know.



Something: “Nope! I’m gonna take measurements for your coffin after that!”



"thats on the cakes list, this is my list." i saw a scroll that rolled down to the other side of town.



Fallen Prime: I think you’re confusing Pinkie with Twilight.

Sigma: And I know it’s for comedic effect (and poorly), but did it just go through the wall or something?

SC276: Has the fic itself actually used an exclamation mark yet?



i fainted this was alot of todo things.



Something: Todo - The act of slowly cutting your penis into sushi.

Topher: I feel the urge to google that, but I know that nothing good can come of it.



A few hours later i was exausted i lied on pinkie's bed "sooo tired!" i moaned.



Fallen Prime: And that’s the first three yards of list rendered undoable now.

SC276: Chris, dude, the scene just cut to after. You didn’t actually do anything.



pinkiepie bursted through the door yelling in here typical voice,"hey why are you so tired chrise?"



NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “All you did was sprinkle some sugar on the cupcakes. That was three hours ago.”



"i'm sorry pinkie, i don't have as much energy as you do."



RJ: Cocaine is a helluva drug.



i sighed. she sat next beside me. she put her hoof on my chest, i looked at my chest there was a slice of cake, "Eat it," she said in a serious voice.



Maud: We Cupcakes, now?

Sigma: We JUST discussed being above those jokes!

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “Maybe you’re too tired to eat. Don’t worry, I’ll chew on it for you and slide it in your mouth with my own.”



" i ate it, all of a sudden i felt weird and suddenly i had all this energy,"Oh my god!, i feel soo energtic, whats in this cake?" i asked her with so much enhuiasim. " Coffee, lots of coffee." she said



Something: “Also methamphetamine, but who’s paying attention?”

SC276: Literal coffee cake? Are you kidding me?

NaturalGlitch: [Pinkie Pie] “I also added something called ‘Red Bull’. “



happlily. all of sudden i lost concece.



Sigma: ...He lost what?

Something: Concece - “Genitals” in the language of fuckboys.

Topher: Do I want to know where you’re learning all this?



i woke up on the floor holding what suposably was alcohol in their world but was root beer in my world so i didn't feel hungover.



Fallen Prime: Bitch, don’t even front.

RJ: Son, you ain’t tryin’ then.

NaturalGlitch: Getting drunk off of Root Beer? ...I kinda like that idea. At least he didn’t use cider; that “joke” got old FAST.



i decided to just walk to the carosel boutiqe and knocked on the door



Sigma: Did he just ditch Pinkie?

Something: Stop asking questions you know will never be answered.

SC276: Where did she even go? How did she react to him blacking out? Why is this fic going so fast?!

Cola: This is like if you stuck three episode scripts in a blender and just glued it all together after.



"Come in." rareity said.



Fallen Prime: THAT won’t stop, will it.

Sigma: ...I’m still stunned by that spelling.



I walked in. "Hello rareity," i greeted her with intrest. "DARLING!" she yelled,



Something: “Stop spelling my name wrong!”

Cola: ‘Rareity’?!! Are you fucking shitting me?

NaturalGlitch: How is the spelling and grammar getting worse?



"Your cloths, there out... of style."I looked at my cloths



Something: “There were a lot of semen stains, but they weren’t really out of style.”



i had on was; my hoodie with makeshift hidden blades that i try to make my self thanks to welding and mechanic classes,



NaturalGlitch: PFFFFT-AHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Wait—you’re serious?!



the blades are sewed inside the sleves of the jacket.



Maud: Wait, never mind. We Assassin’s Creed, now.

Sigma: There’s no way he could go out in public with those. LOTS of places have metal detectors now.

SC276: One, semicolons only work when there are actually commas, and even then that’s shaky; and two, when did you take freakin’ metalshop? At the gaming and animation college?



the rest was some desent cargo pants and a tee shirt, also my backpack with my things. "well i won't argue but the jacket is fine." i said.



NaturalGlitch: You’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost a week. Just give it up already.



"True it can be the way it is, after all black is always in style." she looked at me while mesuring my height and length.



Fallen Prime: Please don’t share.

Sigma: 0.5 cm I’d bet

SC276: She also tried measuring his depth, only to find he was 2D.

NaturalGlitch: “—with her magic from a safe distance.”



Chapter 9

"Well then take them off." Rareity said. "I dont have extra cloths." i shrugged at rareity



Fallen Prime: Stop.

Something: This ain’t gonna end well.

Topher: I’ll get the popcorn!

Cola: Wait, seriously? We just jumped midscene into the next chapter?!



"I guess i can make you a quick outfit just to wear." She did a simple white tee shirt and a soft fabric pants.



NaturalGlitch: “It had the Cutie Mark Crusader’s symbol stitched into it; it was so sweet!”



I was about to walk in to here crative room, but she looked at me with a snare,"No peekin." she closed the door on me. i waited for about an hour,



SC276: After fifteen minutes, someone had set up a sideshow around him. Lyra was a frequent customer.

NaturalGlitch: Yep. She sat weird once, so that means she obsessed with humans and hands. I guess with that logic, Trixie has a human obsession because she’s the first pony to run on two legs.



then she came out "I need to do one more thing," she said look at my body. "Whats wrong?" i asked "i need to mesure...everything..."



Maud: “Because… reasons… totally innocent reasons…”

NaturalGlitch: No, you don’t, Rarity. Just use your magic on a measuring tape.



she looked at my pants. Useing her unicorn



Something: “She castrated me.”



she was pulling my pants down, but i held on to my pants.



Sigma: PANTS TO BE DARKENED!



"What are you doing!" i yelled at her. "I don't know, when i saw you with applejack, dashie,and pinkie i felt.. urges."



Fallen Prime: It astounds me that this isn’t a trollfic.

SC276: The urge to maim him? We’re all getting that.

Topher: I prefer the term ”extreme circumcision.”

NaturalGlitch: (tries not to barf) W-Well, at least she knows there’s a reason a hairless creature would wear clothes all the time...there’s that.



Her magic stoped. She started crying, "Don't leave me like this."



RJ: Honey, batteries are your friends.

NaturalGlitch: There’s batteries in Equestria? I also read that last line as, “Don’t write me like this.”

RJ: Do you want to bug your uber magic power friends to power ‘that’ on a cold, lonely night?



she looked down, i loooked down where she was looking at. She was looking at her pussy,



Sigma: Please be Opalescence.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Oh, so their genitals magically appear when they’re in the mood. Also—AHHHHH!”



it was wet and hot with her juices



Sigma: If this was AJ, I could make an apple juice joke. But I can’t.

NaturalGlitch: Well, if somepony has to have a human obsession, it would be Rarity...I guess.



pouring our of her pussy.



Sigma: Fallen, get the sawblades.

Fallen Prime: Mine. Not sharing.

Maud: HEY GUYS, REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THIS WAS RATED “M”?

Sigma: Remember how I said WITH A FORK?

Something: (drives in with a forklift) GLIMGLAM YOUR TIME OF RECKONING IS HERE. HOW DO YOU PLEAD.

Maud: I plead the fifth.

Sigma: You’re Canadian. GUILTY!

Something: YOU ARE SENTENCED TO MAXIMUM FORKLIFT. (runs forklift straight into Glimo’s brain)



I sigh and spoke to while she was crying, " i won't have sex with you, but if.. I... I eat your pussy will you be happy?"



Sigma: Who do you fucking think you are, John Barrowman?

Something: Please. Adam Baldwin has more sexual charisma than this guy.

SC276: Your first reaction is to eat her out, and not, y’know, use your hands? This guy is messed up six ways to Sunday.

Cola: Mouth’s way better for that kind of work, trust me. Plus, he probably wanted to see what flavor she is.

SC276: Five bucks says marshmallow.

NaturalGlitch: ...(facepalms)



she looked up at me and stoped crying. She nodded.



NaturalGlitch: And like all HiE fanfics, Rarity is a total whore because she wears eyeliner and blinks at people. And now Chris is a total pig.



I put here on the couch i was sitting on. i opened her legs and saw it. It was wet all over i licked her cunt it was salty at first but then sweet,



Something: Is this a vagina or a Sour Patch Kid?

Sigma: Sour Patch Clits! Eat them out!

Cola: Wait, salty, though, so maybe Sour Pretzel Clits?



it tasted like an old girlfriend i had in the real world,



NaturalGlitch: ...this was inspired by Twi and Me, wasn’t it?



she was cute but we broke up because she had to move.



Maud: ...Good to know. I guess.

Sigma: I have better things to use brain cells on.

SC276: Couldn’t this have been brought up before? Maybe, if the author literally wasn’t making stuff up as he went.

Topher: “Yeah, she was totally real. you wouldn’t know her though, she lived in Canada, then she moved to Europe, but we had all kinds of sex, you know, with our genitals and stuff.”

Cola: *pictures author masturbating furiously while crying and dictating the story to his computer*



I started to eat her out, she was moaning like no tomarrow.



NaturalGlitch: Can you imagine how the others would feel about this total betrayal? And to be used as a tool just to be a means to an end... Well, if someone needed to be a tool, Chris sure fits the bill.



I started to notice her pearl white face was turning a bright roseish red,



SC276: Based on my limited knowledge of pony anatomy, I’m pretty sure it should be doing that before now.



"I-i can't hold it any more chris." she shouted panting. "hold what?"



Something: Pissonhisfacepissonhisfacepissonhisface-

SC276: If she tasted like his ex, he should know what’s coming up next.

Topehr: Broken promises and sadness?



i asked although i knew what was going to happen.



SC276: GODDAMMIT AUTHOR.



"I'm going to cum!" she shouted



Fallen Prime: Real ladylike.

Something: SHIT.

RingmasterJ5: Something, please don’t try to jinx it.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “Hello, darling! Sorry I didn’t arrive at our appointment on time, but—what are you and that changeling doing?! So...vulgar!”



"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" she came all over her chair, all of her clear hot juices although i didn't have sex with her i did kind of jizz in my pants.



Maud: PLEASE DON’T SHARE.

Fallen Prime: Suddenly, Lonely Island.

Sigma: That’s too good for this fic.

Cola: More like lonely author AMIRITE?



she walked to the room she showed me my cloths they were amazing.



Maud: ...That was abrupt.

Something: I’ve seen Youtube Poops that had better transitions.



"Ta-DA!" she yelled with a nervous face.



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “I finally finished it! Sorry it took so long. You even dozed off, mumbling something about a thing called...jizz, was it? What’s that?”



i looked at they were really cool i saw my oringinal outfit black assasin hoddie,



Something: Can I go dead now.

Sigma: We suffer together, bitch.

SC276: Why does he even have that?!



red shirt, and cargo pants. The other outifit was an awsome black jacket with multiple pockets and zippers,



Something: Oh my God Rarity is Rob Liefeld.

Sigma: She’s not an artist!



and deniem like pants that were baggy, and a tee shirt that had some degins on them. "Wow rareity, they look amazing, how can i repay you?" i said.



NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] “By letting my little darlings inside you hatch. You will suffer greatly. Toodles!”



"you already have." she started blushing again.



Fallen Prime: Eugh.

SC276: I don’t care what century or country you live in, sex acts are not legal currency.

Cola: *howls in fury* ‘Deniem’?! ‘Degins’? AND HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL RARITY?!



I put my new outfit on, it looked really awsome.



NaturalGlitch: “The knife I welded into the hoodie slides off of the mechanism, puncturing my eye, and I die on the floor like a rat.”



"Thank you rareity." i gave her a hug. "It was no problem, Dude." she atempted to sound like a bronie.



Maud: …”dude”?

Sigma: Hold on. How could she attempt to sound like a brony? Seriously.



I chukled a bit. "Do you mind if i stay here tonight?" I asked "Yes darling, i'll show to your spare room."



SC276: That means she does mind, which means no! That’s, like, elementary school! What is wrong with this author?!

NaturalGlitch: Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie wonders where Chris and all the cake went.



She gave me som pillows and a blanket, and i went to bed.



Something: “I never woke up again.”

Cola: That would be a really great ending.





Chapter 10

The next day I went to fluttershy's cottage,



Fallen Prime: Don’t.

Sigma: This is the part where twow kills us.

Maud: What do you mean, “us”? I hate guilt by association.

Sigma: You’ll be dead BEFORE that for other reasons, so don’t worry.

SC276: And the next target on America’s favorite game show, “Seduce ALL the Ponies,” is…!



since i knew i get startled so I knocked on the door softly.



SC276: You certainly weren’t startled at the prospect of eating out “Rareity” earlier.

NaturalGlitch: “Unfortunately, this is the one time Angel Bunny convince Fluttershy to hold a rave party in her cottage.”



She awnsered the door,"Who is it?" she said in soft, smooth voice.



Something: Fluttershy suddenly became Isaac Hayes. Again.



"It's me chris." i said in the calmest way i could say.



NaturalGlitch: “—into the megaphone I brought.”



She slamed the door open with her eyes widen, she also had a chessey grin.



Maud: Oh lord. Here we go.

Sigma: She’s gonna play chess with him?

Topher: Of course not! A human and a pony locked in a battle of wits, does that sound interesting at all?



She started talking as if she was pinkiepie



SC276: Wasn’t the first time she acted like that when she saw Spike in the first episode?

NaturalGlitch: Yep, and... Wait... Oh no!



"Oh my gosh its so nice to see you we have so much to do!" she smiled at me making a very cute squeaking noise.



Fallen Prime: I bet this bizarro Pinkie’s “squeak” is an MLG airhorn.

Sigma: *BWOOOOOM*



I laughed for a bit smiling back at her, " So what are we going to do today?" i asked smiling at her with my smirk.



RJ: (sarcastic) Oh, whatever are the possibilities?

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “The same thing we do every night, Chrisie—try to take over the world! ...by hugging one little critter at a time.”



"Follow me." she said. we walked to a cage that had a manticore, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" i shouted,



Jesus: Oh, what now?



"Why would you have one of those things?" i asked her with fear.



SC276: That is a very good question that will not get a satisfactory answer.

Topher: Because Fluttershy is Hagrid.

RJ: Fluttershy runs a weird fetish club on the side. … Well, she could.

NaturalGlitch: Chris found Fluttershy’s room of extreme knitting.



"It was injured when i found him so we have to give him some medicine ok." she said.



NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Now let’s go eat huh.”



"How do we give him medicine?" I asked. "We give him this peice of meat, i'll calm him down and you give the meat."



Something: ...CAN I DEAD NOW.

Maud: Not until he gives them the meat, first. :^)

RJ: I think a lot of meat is going to be given to more than one being.

SC276: Shove him in its mouth!

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “You don’t need both arms, right? (Bambi eyes are go!) Can you spare one?”



she explained while to calm me down. "Alright, lets get this out of the way." I sighed.



NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I’m new to the neighborhood, so, by law, I have to say—”



We walked to the cage and fluttershy did her part to calm down the manticore and i gave it the meat.



Sigma: He jerked it off?

Cola: No, no. He fucked it.

Sigma: Ohhhh.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I gave him one of my legs; I’m sure I didn’t need it.”



It started geting crazy,



Fallen Prime: Nice work, genius.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “—♫ but here’s my number / so call me, maybe♫.”



Fluttershy looked at the medicine it was an antioxident that increased its anger and stregnth



SC276: You’re only noticing that now?!

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Maybe I shouldn’t have snorted it.”



"Chris, look out! He's going to attack!" "Oh shit!" I dodged the first swipe it did.



Maud: His +1 Baggy Pants of Dodging made this a snap, of course.

Topher: So that’s how Piccolo does it!



I didn't want to kill it, so I grabbed a log



SC276: Wait, are they inside Fluttershy’s house, or...? I’ve completely lost track.

Cola: I think he pooped himself and forgot to tell us.

RJ: It’s log! It’s better than bad; it’s good!

NaturalGlitch: He didn’t want to kill it? From what—laughter?



and hit it in the back of the head, it knocked the manticore down for a few seconds.



NaturalGlitch: “It was a hyper magic log that makes the user not be a total weakling.”



I ran to the door but the manticore got back but and grabbed my foot.



NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I can regrow my limbs spontaneously.”



It turned me over and attacked me, it cut me on in the chest but it didn't damage the outfit rareity gave me.



Something: I’ve read Nicholas Sparks novels that weren’t this boring.

SC276: How the fuck did it damage his body without damaging his clothes in the process?!

Cola: Through the power of Shitty Writing!



I had kill the manticore,



Something: This fic makes it hard for me to not read it in a bad Russian accent.



before i went to fluttershy's cottage i asked twilight to make a copy of my assasin hoodie,



NaturalGlitch: BRAIN HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND MUST BE SHUT DOWN.



no question were asked,



Something: Except for “Can I kill you now?”

SC276: Stop making up everything as you go!



after I left I tore the hidden blades that were in the copy and put them the jacket that rareity gave me. i had to struggle out to activate the blades.



Fallen Prime: ...now I’m not so sure this isn’t trolling.

Sigma: I think the author’s too stupid to troll.

Maud: It’s Fanfiction.net. What do you expect?

Sigma: I don’t.

SC276: Y’know, you could’ve just been wearing the first outfit instead of going through this bullshit.



once I realesed my arms I used them and stabbed the manticore in the was shocked in horror and ran off to her home,



NaturalGlitch: [Manticore] “He stabbed me in the nipples with toothpicks! Just what the hell, man?!”



but the manticore died it made a finnal strike and knocked me to the other side of the cage. It was done, I killed my first creature in Equestria.



Sigma: “And it wasn’t even edible.”

RJ: “And now I will mount it.”

Topher: That can mean one of three things.

SC276: OK, I can’t tell if this is honestly attempting to use every bad HiE cliché on the Internet.



I limped all the way to Fluttershy's door i opened it, " I'm sorry." I wispered to her,I fell down and blacked out.



NaturalGlitch: Yay!~



I was waking up in fluttershy's bed.



SC276: Fast enough to not warrant a paragraph break.



Next to me was fluttershy curled up sleeping, the other ponies were also sleeping.



Something: ...NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

Cola: So, um, nope, then?



I sat up and pulled the cover off of me and I was covered in bandages I felt my ribs were broken so i coudn't move much,



NaturalGlitch: Why didn’t the Manticore use its scorpion tail and stab Chris? He would be dead now.



my backpack was on the nightstand. I took out a pen and my note book



Something: I thought you couldn’t move, you lying bag of plums.

Sigma: I feel like if Professor Plum were here he’d be insulted by that.



and started drawing for the next hour.



NaturalGlitch: “This caused me incredible pain; all my wounds opened up, and I died on the seat.”



It has been an hour I saw twilights eyes were opening up she saw me drawing "Your awake." she said happlily.



Fallen Prime: Oh my god, editors are people.

Maud: I wonder why they bother having the Beta Reader function on FF.net these days. It’s obviously not working.

SC276: I actually signed up for that for a bit, then I realized I didn’t really like reading over other people’s stuff for nothing. At least, not without being a snarky ass.



"What are you doing?" she asked while coming over to see the notebook. "What's that?" she asked.



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “What’s that? (looks around) What is that? Do you smell something burning?”



"Oh nothing, just a random drawing i drew while you guys were asleep." I replied.



NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “It’s my brain pattern.” [Twilight] “...it’s just random scribbles.”



The other started to wake up, "Chris your awake," Applejack said while yawning.



Something: “Great, now I owe Angel Bunny fifteen bucks.”



I tried to move but i couldn't move.



Something: CONTINUITY IS NOT A POLITE SUGGESTION.

SC276: To move and move but move or move...

NaturalGlitch: “I can’t move, but it’s a good thing I could move otherwise I couldn’t move, which I can’t.”



"Hold on chris, I think I have a spell that can heal you right up."



SC276: “That I couldn’t be bothered to use before you were conscious.”

Cola: To be fair, they were taking turns raping him in his unconscious state.

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully with an actual scythe.



Her unicorn was lighting up with her magic aura, I felt my ribs being heal along with the scratch marks and wounds.



NaturalGlitch: OK, I get that Twilight is pretty powerful, but when in canon did it ever state she could heal people? Isn’t that why there are doctors? Wouldn’t she have done this at ANY TIME when one of her friends were hurt?



I removed the bandages and the wounds were gone,"Twilight you did it!" I shouted in excitment.



Fallen Prime: Refresh my memory, but didn’t they have to manhandle Dash’s leg?

NaturalGlitch: “But why can’t I feel my...everything? Everything’s going...dark...”



I got up, I told the others it's time to go twilight's home to help her.



Something: Help her do what, rid the world of you? If so, wait for me.

SC276: What did he even draw? I’m honestly curious. You say you’re drawing and don’t show what it is? That’s just being a cocktease.

NaturalGlitch: [Fluttershy] “Why was I even in this story? I’m getting my agent, maybe he made a mistake.”



Chapter 11

Me and Twilight were walking down town,



SC276: Making my way downtown.

Topher: *plays piano*



I told her what happened when the manticore went berzerk.



NaturalGlitch: “—because of me. I’ll have to ask why there was medicine to do something so retarded later.”



I told her about the hidden blades and how my great great grandfather was an assasin he was part of the creed



Something: “He was the drummer!”

Sigma: So, this is basically the SHITTIEST Assassin’s Creed/MLP crossover ever.

Maud: What makes it better is that I bet this wasn’t even intentional. Unless the author is a troll, of course...

NaturalGlitch: “♫No good deed goes unpunished: That's my new creed~♫”



and how they used stealth and the hidden blades. "Is that why you made me make a copy of your jacket?" she asked, I nodded. "Wow, that is intresting."



SC276: “Stupid, but intresting.”

NaturalGlitch: Sure wish that was established BEFORE he went to Fluttershy’s cottage.



We arrived at the library, twilight was brewing a tea, i was looking at all the books



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Hmm... This one says that there’s going to be more porn on this show than literally any other thing ever, even from media that existed in the late 80s. What on Equestria is ‘porn’? Is it some kind of popcorn?”



I picked one out and sat down and tried to read it.



Something: “Wait a minute, I can’t read!”

SC276:



I didn't notice it at first but she was there smiling since i was reading.



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight, looking at some pictures] “Oh, Flash Sentry, you silly-billy!~ Who’s the cutest Pegasus ever? You are! (notices Chris and blushes) ...what?”



"what are you reading chris?" she asked



SC276: ...even though she can see the front cover.



"I don't really know, i tried reading some of it but my equestrian is realy bad."



Fallen Prime: “I ALWAYS fall off the horse.”

Maud: He actually spelled “Equestrian” correctly, for a change. I’m… not impressed,

but I’m slightly less irritated, now.

Sigma: Didn’t he say he MASTERED the alphabet earlier or something?

SC276: More or less; it was how he was able to read the note that came with the box that told him it was a portal.

Maud: Again, author, continuity is not a polite suggestion.

NaturalGlitch: If you can’t read Equestrian, then how are you speaking it?!



I told her while I was sqinting at the book. She giggled " Let me teach you." she smililed. She pulled out some wine and two glasses.



SC276: In order to learn a new language, you must first be drunk off your ass.

NaturalGlitch: ...this really is inspired by Twi and Me! And that “wine” is probably fruit punch.



By a few hours we finished the book, so we also had a few bottles of wine together.



Something: ...nothing will escape my wrath.

Topher: And then Chris died because of the iocane powder in the wine.



The book was about a pony and a griffen that fell in love. Random: yes,ironic: maybe.



Something: People will look to the sky and shout “save us.” And I will whisper “no.”

Fallen Prime: Fuck it, I wanna read Watchmen now.

Sigma: We’re not lucky enough to have good comics right now.

SC276: And we’d be hard-pressed to riff a comic in a Google Doc anyhow.

NaturalGlitch: Holy shit! This is ripped off directly from Twi and Me!! I even did a riff on it! What the fuck, man?!



"You know," twilight remarked, "you represent all the elements of harmony, your honest, generous, loyal,funny,kind and you have magic."



Something: WHEN IN THE FUCK DID HE GET MAGIC.

Maud: New Powers As The Plot Demands! Because fuck the readers.

Sigma: He has cock magic.

Topher: Same general principle as unicorn magic, but the horn is much lower.

NaturalGlitch: I...I guess being in Equestria, you absorb the magic? I-I don’t know anything anymore. Who am I?



she said smiling again. "I don't think I have magic twilight." "Well maybe you do you haven't found it yet." she looked at me blushing like all the other ponies.



SC276: Maybe the magic is that he’s a mare magnet.

NaturalGlitch: Well, even if Unicorns use their magic directly, all the ponies—and I’m sure every other denizen—has magic they use, so... (farts aggressively) Whatever.



We were both drunk, we got closer and I started to kiss her.



Something: ...I don’t like where this is going.

Sigma: I WAS KIDDING.

Cola: The story heard you through time and space, Sigma. It’s learning.



She was begining to be passinoite, I broke the kiss, "You know we all agreed to tell you this, but we all have a crush on you,"



Maud: It just wouldn’t be a shitty self-insert if they didn’t, right?

Fallen Prime: You’re fucking fired.

Sigma: Glimo, your list of crimes has now been expanded.

SC276: This reminds me of a crappy dating sim I played a… couple times...

NaturalGlitch: ...why?! Why do they all... WHY?!



she looked away, " Rainbow told me how you taught her how to kiss,rareity told me how you 'comfort' her."



NaturalGlitch: [Twilight] “Even though you did take a pretty heavy nap at her place and licked one of her pillows...”



"Twilight..." I asked her,"yea,chris," she responded,"I think im going to stay."



Maud: Haaah. Called it.

Fallen Prime: Nice. We gettin’ so paid.



Twilight's eyes widen with excitement."Oh my clestia, you are!"



Something: bnhkujuy7vg,mkvfgnhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

SC276: Someone reboot Something.



she jumped with joy hopping all over the place. She jumped on top of me and kissed me all over my face .



NaturalGlitch: “—in the same style Woody Woodpecker laughs.”



I chuckled," I thin'k we had a little to much." I told her. "Yeah I think so to." We both cuddled together near the fire and fell asleep.



Something: The fire spread and no one survived THE END.

Maud: Happy end!

Sigma: Do you really think we’re that lucky?



The next day was the final day i stayed in ponyville, I told twilight that i am staying.



Fallen Prime: So it’s not your FINAL day.

SC276: “Screw the thousands of dollars my parents and/or myself invested in my higher education, PONY SEXY TIME.”

Topher: DAWN OF THE FINAL DAY, 12 HOURS REMAINING. Come on, someone had to say it.



I went down stairs and saw the Mane 6 all dressed up in their outfits that they were wearing for the grand galloping galla.



NaturalGlitch: “It’s a good thing I packed my dress too.”



"Whats going on?" i asked "didn't you read the back of the note." twilight remarked



SC276: They always get you with that.



I grabbed the note and looked at the back of the note. Twilight was nice enough to translate the rest of the note, "If you decide to stay, you must choose a wife/husband who has one of the elements of harmoney."



Something: SOMEONE DEAD ME NOW.

Maud: Well, uh… at least it’s… not a harem fic? Yet?

Sigma: Bullshit, it is and it sucks.

RingmasterJ5: ...Wait, husband? I mean, yay equality and all, but… a male with the Elements is not exactly something that exists in Equestria.

Sigma: Also, are we just gonna ignore the fact that this is a shitty dating game premise? Get a waifu in thirty days or bad end?

SC276: Are you kidding me? Are you bleeping kidding me? And I thought the text was on the box, where did the note come from?! Besides, a decent dating sim would’ve trimmed some of the branches by now!



I looked up at the ponies, "Well who is going to be?" asked fluttershy.



SC276: He killed a manticore you were keeping, why the fuck are you of all ponies interested?!

Topher: That corpse proved useful in decorating her shed.

NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I choose Sunset Shimmer! Wait, no—Moondancer! Um... Trixie? Lightning Dust? No, wait, Gilda; that’s the one.”



"I need time to think." I walked to the door but I was blocked by all of them. "Its now or never." rareity remarked. "



NaturalGlitch: Since you more or less assaulted Rarity, you might as well pick her.



Look I just need space to think."



Fallen Prime: They never saw him again. Please.



I walked away again, then rainbowdash grabbed my arm, "He's mine!", twilight grabbed my other arm "No he's mine!", then the rest followed.



NaturalGlitch: I’m so glad the show will never resort to this stupid plotline from 80s sitcom shows.



I was stretched out while i heard arguments surrounding me.



Fallen Prime: Because friendship.

Sigma: This fic is offensive.

SC276: What are they, six?

Cola: Could we get lucky enough that they tear him limb from limb?

Topher: Well, I would have liked him drawn as well, but I’ll settle for just quartered.



"STOOPP!" I shouted. They dropped me. I was about to go out the door. " Chris.." applejack whispered to me "I'm sorry applejack I need to go." I ran off.



NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “I haven’t used the bathroom since I got here.”



"But...," then applejack said in a very quiet "I love you." her eyes were about to tear.



Something: Fic, please turn into Event Horizon. I will love you if you do.

NaturalGlitch: Just don’t do the demonic and bloody orgy scene, please.



Chapter 12

I just kept running until i couldn't see ponyville.



NaturalGlitch: “I ran around with my eyes closed, crashing into random objects.”



I then just started walking "What am I going to do?" i asked my self. if I choose one then i break the others hearts.



SC276: Well the obvious solution then is to go back home and forget it ever happened. Like we certainly will.



I took out my ipod and started to listened to music, for some reason i didn't know how it fit into the situation but one song described the entire thing.



NaturalGlitch: “♫Whoa, Black Betty, bam-a-lam; Whoa, Black Betty, bam-a-lam!♫”



I forgot the name of the song but I didn't bother to look at the name.



Fallen Prime: This is the most fitting song in the world... tribute.

SC276: That just proves there’s no song fitting this situation.



As I walked deeper into the everfree forest,



NaturalGlitch: Would people please not wander into that forest? Please?!



smoke was forming around my body, then I heard an evil chaotic laugh was surounding the area.



RJ: Snoop Dogg? Is that you?

NaturalGlitch: No; it’s Snoop Lion.



" Well what do we have here a lost creature in love with a pony I see." a dark figure was infront of me. "Discord what not a surprise."



Something: Remember when Discord was cool? That was a more innocent time.

Fallen Prime: He’s still awesome. Just not in this fic.

SC276: Was this released before season 3 where he started being good? Because otherwise this will just turn off Fluttershy more.

NaturalGlitch: Please blink Chris out of existence. Or shove him into another dimension.



I told him with an anger tone.



Sigma: Woah nelly, an anger tone? Those’re some strong words there, boy.

RingmasterJ5: It’s like a dial tone, just louder.

Topher: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!



"Ah I see you understand the way of chaos." he smililed evilly,



NaturalGlitch: “—while wearing his own Gala dress.”



"Chris where are you?" I heard the mane 6 looking for me. "Well well well, let me take care of them." he laughed maniacally and started to form into my body,



Something: “Goddamn, your dick is tiny!”

NaturalGlitch: “When was the last time you bathed?”



but instead of brown eyes he had an evil satan like red eyes with black pupils.



Sigma: Jesus Christ this is so dumb.

SC276: Not even the sort of dumb that could pass as good to the right crowd.

NaturalGlitch: (almost falls out of his chair laughing)



" don't worry i'll break it to them cruelly." his voice startd to change into mine. "Chris, why are there two of you?" Questioned twilight.



NaturalGlitch: Because it’s the only way he could be dumber.



Discord pushed me into the bushes.



RJ: “IGNORE THAT.”



"What do you mean egghead." "What, why are you so mean." twilight said.



Something: Said with all the passion of me talking about the Batman v. Superman

trailer.

NaturalGlitch: It’s REALLY difficult to not make The Room reference, but I’m going to try.



"Yea I said it," again in my voice,"twi, your an egghead, fluttershy your unwanted, rareity your degins are horrible, rainbow dash your too proud of your self just fly away rainbowCRASH,



Something: That’s as original as “yo mamma” jokes.

SC276: Which is probably why they don’t suspect it’s Discord.



and applejack, I heard what you said I don't!"



NaturalGlitch: ...what?



Thats when it hit applejack she bursted out crying,"Why are you soo mean now!"



Fallen Prime: “Because the plot said so, cunts!”

SC276: And sadly, that’s a pretty legitimate response.



rainbowdash yelled at the disguised discord. "Because that is not me!" I came out of the tree pouncing on discord.



NaturalGlitch: “I tried to hide the boner this situation was giving me.”



I punched him multiple times before he pushed me back,we started fighting,



NaturalGlitch: [Chris, slapping the air] “I’ll~ harm~ you!~”



he was dodgeing all my punches "I know your every move." he told me.



Sigma: “You might know everything I'm going to do, but that's not going to help you, since I know everything YOU'RE going to do! STRANGE, isn't it?!”



I tried an uppercut, he grabbed my arm and flipped me over. I quickly got up he formed a shawdow blade



Something: That’s OP as fuck, bro.

NaturalGlitch: “—and not in his hand.”



and charged at me " its on!"



Something: Wake me up when something disgusting happens. (falls asleep)

SC276: Get up. The whole fic is disgusting.



with no reaction i activated my hidden blades and charged at him.



NaturalGlitch: Why don’t you shoot lightsabers out of your nipples while you’re at it.



I jumped and we both stabbed each other. We both looked down we were both puntured in the stomach " Remember who's the one with magic" he smiled eivily again we pulled out our wepons



Maud: John Freeman, is that you?

Topher: Please don’t remind me of the good bad stories i could be reading.



and looked at our wounds. Discords wound healed fully in no time, while my wound was bleeding out



NaturalGlitch: “—♫as Discord dug his sword in deeper, just to throw it away!♫”



I fell to my knees and fell to the ground. "No!" applejack and the others cried. "I win!" shouted discord. "you can't stop me!" he laughed maniacly.



Maud: Oh no. What shall we ever do. Ahhhh.

Sigma: Stop, don’t, come back.

SC276: Help. Police. Murder.

Topher: “If only we had a unicorn who knew a magic bullshit spell that cured all wounds. A unicorn within ten feet of me. Purple for preference. Yep, that sure would be great.”



Applejack broke down in tears.



NaturalGlitch: So...why didn’t they gather the elements of harmony?



Then with out knowing it I felt a rush I rose up and everypony saw including applejack,



Something: I think I know who the waifu is gonna be.

Sigma: You thought you knew who the waifu would be. But instead it is ME, DIO

BRANDO!



I opened my eyes and i was wearing my great great grandfather's assasin outfit with all the wepons he owned.



SC276: ...OK, I think we just took a right turn into that machine from Assassin’s Creed.

NaturalGlitch: Oh, go fuck off and die, fanfic.



I pulled out my sword and said to discord "Lets dance."



Cola: Let’s not.

SC276: I don’t dance on the first date.

Topher: “It’s just a jump to the left!”



He pulled out his shadow blade before he struck, I attacked faster than he can cause chaos.



SC276: You are most certainly causing chaos faster than him with this typesmanship.



I finnaly stabbed him with my hidden blade sharper and with anti-magic poisin for some reason.



Fallen Prime: Oh my god, the story can’t even make excuses for itself.

Something: Someone please just dead me

RJ: Ah reason. When you need a reason.

NaturalGlitch: I was expecting him to spell “reason” as “raison." Huh.



"Rest in peace fucker." I wispered in his ear. He fell down and died, " and stay dead." I yelled at him.



Maud: ...He killed Discord. He just straight up butchered him. YOU KNOW, FOR KIDS!

Something: Silly Glimglam, fanfiction isn’t for kids! It’s for… I dunno who it’s for, actually. I’d probably be better off not knowing.

Sigma: It’s for no one. Also, I’d take less issue with that he killed someone and he killed DISCORD. SPIRIT OF CHAOS.



I turned back to normal with the wound in my stomach, "twilight hurry!" I demanded.



NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Just stand there and do nothing with the rest of your friends!”



Without hessitation she casted her spell and I felt better than ever.



SC276: While we feel worse than ever.



"Well now thats over I finally chosen my wife." they all grouped together. I sighed " I choose..."



RJ: “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, pick a waifu by the toe…”



everypony eyesclosed, "Applejack."



Something: Wow. How shocking. This was totally a surprise.

NaturalGlitch: [Rarity] But... But... I gave you my first... (sobs violently and runs off)”



She looked up and she was crying again but with tears of joy. "I heard what you said before I left and, I love you too." I hugged her, we both kissed with passion.



Something: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Maud: Absolutely riveting.

Topher: Oh, just BANG ALREADY!

NaturalGlitch: Please no.



Chapter 13

We were at applejacks farm, I was there under an archway with a tuxedo on.



Fallen Prime: Scene transition, or moving too fast? YOU decide!

Sigma: Why not both? Because it is.

Cola: It’s not even a well-formed turd.

NaturalGlitch: (spits out drink) Where did this can even come from?!



I saw applejack with a wedding gown that rareity made for this day. She was next to me "You looked beautiful."



Something: “Sentence structure is for losers!”

Maud: Oh, so she looked good before, but doesn’t look good now? Not something a woman wants to hear at her wedding, guy.



I told her with a gentile smile.



SC276: It was made of granite, I think.

Topher: Thank you for specifying that it was NOT a jewish wedding. We needed to know that.

RJ: (yiddish) We go all mishugana with the Chuppah and everything and NOW we’re going goyish for this maven? FEH!



She was smiling as well "you look amazing too."



NaturalGlitch: That’s when her smile bent, looking...defiled. “Amazingly awful!” she says, cackling. The illusion slowly breaks down, and I find myself about to marry a Changeling.



she also smililed After the wedding ceremony. we were dancing like no tomarrow.



SC276: Much like how this fic has no future.



" I'm really happy for you two." twilight told us while in our table along with the other ponies. Later on that night me and applejack were in bed, cloths all over the floor.



NaturalGlitch: “♫Walking the dinosaur!♫”



"Wow you were amazing chris." "you were too applejack."



Fallen Prime: “Just... fewer ropes next time?”

Maud: “Fine, but I get to be on top!

Topher: “Man, I love bunk beds!”



we both kissed again. The next day I blindfolded applejack and untied the blindfold "Well what do you think?"



NaturalGlitch: [Chris] “Why are you on the floor, bellowing out deep sobs of total failure?”



I showed her a brand new home that was built by my own two hands.



Something: “But built with my own two testicles!”

SC276: Stop! Making! Up! Everything! As you go!



"Oh my it's beatiful chris, I love it." she shouted with glee. "I love you applejack and I always will no matter what happens i'll be by your side."



Sigma: Then they all died.

Something: And there was much rejoicing.

Topher: yaaaaaaay.

NaturalGlitch: “Then the volcano—who laid dormant for hundreds of years—woke up by hearing the toilet water called our dialog. It decided to do the right thing and erupted, engulfing us in liquid fire.”



The End.



RingmasterJ5: And now for… well, I’m not sure what to call this. I’m still not even sure if it’s really that riffable because of how incomprehensible it is, but the sheer fucking insanity of it all(and sending bits and pieces of it to a few other riffers) has made me decide to put it up anyway. I believe Maud’s the only one here besides me who’s read the thing in its entirety, and he had quite the reaction. Maud?

Maud: Oh, one does not simply “read” this story. One experiences this story. It’s… special. It’s very special, indeed. You thought the story before this was wonderful? Just wait until you get a load of this one. For better or worse, it will change your life.

RingmasterJ5: The best part? I’ve tried to track down everything about this author that I could to confirm if he’s a troll or not, and from everything I could find on him… he isn’t. What you’re about to read is the actual attempt of someone with the writing capabilities of a mentally challenged toddler to write a self-insert MLP fanfiction, and it’s just as horrible as it sounds. Enjoy.

Something: NOPE! I’m done. See you all next time, one piece of fuck is enough. (flies away on a xenomorph powered by rainbows)

Sigma: Get back here, you god damn pansy.



Chapter 0 The Search of Equestia



Maud: ...Equestia. E”quest”ia. Let that set the tone.

Cola: The anger tone.

Sigma: Glimo, why is it that none of these idiots you find can spell Equestria?

RingmasterJ5: Hey, I was the one who found this second fic.

Sigma: Is that so? I’m gonna need more forks.

Crazy56U: (comes back) So, how much did I mi- what.



My story begin with a 16 year old boy the boy name is David and I have crap live nobody want to be friend and the school year wasn't best at the time after was over I walked home when I got home my uncle came over hi David how was your day?



Sigma: ...Oh. This is gonna be one of those days, isn’t it.

Something: Where you don’t wanna wake up? (flies away for realsies this time)

Maud: You can check-out anytime you want, but you can never leave…

SC276: Already I want to kill someone.

Crazy56U: I… I feel like I made a mistake coming back...



said Uncle not good uncle said David Uncle said oh yeah your Aunt want to send is to you he give a piece of paper here David said Uncle David look at the piece of paper all it send Dear Princess C I'm writing to this because I learn more about Friendship to my Friends and then it had a list of Names.



Sigma: ...The author must be pregnant, because there ain’t a period in sight.

Cola: What is this godforsaken casserole of nonsense?

RJ: “Uncle, shouldn’t we give this list back to Mr. Schindler?”

Crazy56U: This is reading like the author did a line of coke and is speaking really fucking fast.



but the piece of paper kinda some of the name are cross out in some of the name: List of Names J..k Ra..B.w D..h .rs.. R. Pi. .e Your favourite student Tiwil..t Spa..ie



RingmasterJ5: Oh, so THAT’S where they all went.

Topher: Gee, I wonder who that could be?



Okay They are kind of weird names oh wait a minute they sound like oh David dinner ready said Uncle coming David said.



Maud: Reminder: A human being wrote this. Someone literally sat down, typed this out, then looked at it and said, “Yeah, this is alright. Posting!”

Crazy56U: I refuse to believe this person is human.



end of chapter 0



Maud: Good to know.

SC276: This entire fic is a fucking zero.

Crazy56U: That was not a chapter. That was three long run-on sentences with no sense of rationality...



Chapter 1 PonyVille?



Maud: Fingers crossed that it has nothing to do with FarmVille.

SC276: Actually, inclusion of FarmVille can only help at this point.

Topher: That says SO MUCH MORE than any review could say.



After we had dinner Uncle said David I know Life suck



Sigma: Is Life this fic? Because if so, it indeed sucks.

SC276: So, is Uncle like Uncle from Jackie Chan, or…?

Cola: Is this goddamned Flowers for Algernon? What in the actual shit is this?!

Crazy56U: Okay, I never had Life cereal, but it can’t be that bad...



but one of the day are not bad Uncle said David said thank Uncle I smile to Uncle ok Uncle I'm going to bed goodnight David said Uncle said yeah goodnight Uncle



SC276: OK, author, if you are capable of using the Shift key, you are capable of using periods.

Crazy56U: C’mon, he can’t do both, what do you take him for?



when I got upstairs I heard a noise was in my room I check I saw a pink pony after a open the door the pink pony is gone I think to mind self who the hell was pink pony



SC276: Who was phone?

Crazy56U: What is life?



want I check to see if steal anything from my room but I found a Muffin? how weird



SC276: Yeah, Pinkie’s more of a cupcake mare.

Topher: Muffin button.

Crazy56U: “A ‘Muffin’? I thought those were only a myth!!”



ok I got in to bed and gone to sleep today it was a Saturday I was yay a Saturday



SC276: We were boo a fanfic.

Crazy56U: I feel like 5 days passed since the start of this “story”. I can’t be the only one to feel this way, right?



I walk to the bathroom to have shower and then after did that I got change to my clothes I walk downstairs to see uncle when to work so I think ok tried to find that pink pony before I did I have breakfast.



SC276: There is no way this guy is a native English speaker. We would’ve hit misspellings by now if that were the case. Who else thinks this guy put it through Google Translate first?

Topher: Only if he put it thut it through veitnamese to german to portugese to mandarin to arabic to swahili to english.



After about hour I found a sign saying PonyVille? I was like OMG I didn't think it was real



SC276: Well you’re not real.

Topher: None of this is real. *ominous music*

Crazy56U: God, I wish that were the case...



I ran back and pack stuff in my backpack like food, drink and a weapon medium knife I only use the medium knife if I got my self in trouble.



SC276: It’s amazing how many knives show up in all these HiE fanfics. Is it on the cliché list yet?

RingmasterJ5: He would’ve got the large, but the medium came with a free side of fries.

Topher: If you go super size you get a greatsword.

Crazy56U: When in doubt, cut a bitch.



I wrote a letter to Uncle I left it on the kitchen table so I think I leave 9:00 PM after time were bye I was at the place with the sigh saying PonyVille and then I see the pink pony and rainbow pony so I think oh shhhh to my self after they leave the portal they normally walk out of the place. how the Hell I'm going to get in there with out getting caught?ah the piece of paper ok the name um it kinda hard steel. oh they are back with the pink pony Muffin? he my change only had 10 second to get in the portal here I go end of chapter 1



SC276: ...OK, I’ve completely lost track of the plot. Something about Pinkie and Rainbow and… signs or something? Augh, it can’t be a seven-year-old that wrote it, half the words would be misspelled then.

RingmasterJ5: What about a 6-year-old with a really good spellcheck program?

SC276: Fanfic writers, use spellcheck? Have you seen the last fic?

RingmasterJ5: ...Point taken.

Cola: Wait! I understand now. I understand. This was the rough draft of the previous fic. That’s the only explanation I’m willing to live with, because if two different people can write shit this fucking incoherent then no, no, the world is not a place I’m willing to live any more.

Crazy56U: All I know is that I’m lost, scared, and confused. Mostly scared.



Chapter 2 Into the Portal



SC276: I’d rather go Out of the Woods.

Cola: I’d rather go play Portal.

Topher: I’d rather go fornicate with a cactus.

Crazy56U: I’m all in favor for crying myself to sleep...



when I enter the portal was in a forest but in was morning? I said to myself who the hell could it be morning



SC276: The Queen of Day?

Crazy56U: Okay, you don’t believe muffins exist and now you don’t know how day and night work?



ok first tried to go north but I find a enemy near me so I got out my knife the enemy look like cinema



SC276: So, it looks like a movie monster?

RingmasterJ5: No, it’s a giant evil movie theater, where the only showings are of The Room and Birdemic II.

Topher: Not gonna lie, that sounds like fun. Bring your own spoons and I’ll spring for popcorn!

Crazy56U: Someone call the CinemaSins guy!



ouch huh what hit me I was knock out for about 3 hour I woke up in a hospital



SC276: Knocked out in the forest, wake up in the hospital? I’m pretty sure the most likely explanation is that he’s having a dying fever dream.

Crazy56U: ...is this turning into “Jacob’s Ladder”?



is he going to wake now? hey are you waking up I look around and found to 2 ponies talking to me?



SC276: OK, author, if you are capable of using the Shift key, you are capable of using quotation marks.

Cola: The questions asked here are entrancing and compelling! Is he going to wake now? Are you waking up? I look around and found to 2 ponies talking to me?

Crazy56U: The narration has dissociative identity disorder.



I'm crazy but are pony talking to me said David the 2 ponies response no your were surprise but any how doe you get to Equestia wait a minute forget to ask your name what your name said one of the pony I'm name is David said David



SC276: (bad redneck impression) Mah name is stupid said stupid.



I when through a Portal.



SC276: Then came out the orange one.

Topher: A portle meant only for ponees to get into our world so they ca pretend to be non speakers and watch us secretly.



wait where my backpack oh there it is I open the bag a look at the piece of paper and then both the ponies asked me what is that you got in your hand I said a piece of paper



SC276: Here’s your sign!



with list of names an said the list of names J..k RainBow D..h .rs.. R. Pinkie p.e Your favourite student Tiwil..t Spa..ie so I read the bit at the back of the piece of paper it said Dear son I'm sorry to leave I should been a better dad I wish I could on back in time to stop the abuse on you son I hope read is because I'm dead Signed Dad



SC276: OK wait, pony hit list and then it’s suddenly from his dad? W...What? I seriously can’t figure out what the fuck is going on here.

RingmasterJ5: Hold on, abuse? This story just got kinda dark all of a- it’s never mentioned again? Great…

Cola: No, wait, I get it now! This is an homage to Kite Runner!

Crazy56U: Oh God, I don’t like the implications of that, given what happens in Kite Runner...



I cried in the hospital bed I know Dad I said to myself an then both of the ponies are you alright? David said yes fine sorry I was to my past it sad the doctor came in through the door said to me ah Mr. David you look seem look healthy no illness



SC276: Despite being whacked by an evil movie theater in the middle of the Everfree.

Crazy56U: And despite the way you write.



said the Doctor and David said thank you. Doctor said it time you should going and meet the two Princesses to David I would go tell Princess Celestia and Princess Luna you are in Equestia. David said to himself Princess Celestia? and Princess Luna? Equestia?



SC276: Metal Gear?

Topher: Rosebud?

Crazy56U: (Dean Winchester impersonation) SAMMY?!



End of Chapter 2



Chapter 3 In PonyVille after I left the hospital everypony on at me I ask one pony excuse me where can I find two Princesses



SC276: And he didn’t ask this question of the doctor or the two ponies with him, why now?

Crazy56U: Because brain trauma.



the pony said you can find her at Canterlot I said to the pony thanks I said to myself ok where is Canterlot maybe in PonyVille or in the sky or maybe in the near huge mountain I'm confused



SC276: Ain’t just you, brother.

Crazy56U: Same.



I started walking down PonyVille I saw the chimera again



RingmasterJ5: Wait, again? What do you- oh, right, this must have been the “cinema” from before. Autocorrect, away!

SC276: Great, the evil movie theater mutated. Now it’s showing Cutthroat Island.

Crazy56U: Well, someone needs to tell it to cut it out. ZING



I shout to the chimera I ran to monster before I got there it gone what the hell?



SC276: That’s what we’ve been asking!



ah damn it wait a hear voice HEY GET OUT OF THE WAY I look up but it was to late something knock me on the floor



SC276: Please splat, please splat, please splat...



I look around to see a rainbow pony I said to her hey are you alright



SC276: DAMMIT!



she response yeah I ok hey your not around here who are you she Said Dash Said my name is David what your name? rainbow pony said to David my name Rainbow Dash the best Pony in Equestia and the fastest.



RingmasterJ5: In Equestia. In Equestria, on the other hand, this one set world records for slow- goddamnit he actually got the name right, there goes that joke.

Cola: This is like a Dick and Jane book had a child with My Little Dashie.

Crazy56U: ...is it sad that I just now realized his name is David?



I asked Dash do you know where Canterlot is? she said canterlot is on the side of the huge mountain have yeah bring sleeping under a rock.



SC276: He will be after we drop a boulder on him.



David said sorry I'm new here Dash said to David yeah was only joking she smile to me oh no I'm going to late see ya late David said Dash David said yeah see ya later I guess. She remind me of the PE Teacher good time with him because I like PE said David in His mind



SC276: Great, we’re getting God’s perspective now.

Cola: There is no god, SC. There is no fucking god. We are reading the proof.

Crazy56U: God is dead, and the author has killed him.



ok first I would some of my food I open the bag and take out my sandwich ah cheese and ham sandwich ah my favourite sandwich



SC276: Sandwich sandwich sandwich, sandwich sandwich? Sandwich, sandwich!

Crazy56U: BURGER



after ate my a bit of my sandwich to find the path to get to the mountain



RJ: Watch out for snakes!

Topher: Isn’t this how Lord of the Rings started?

Crazy56U: No, I think this is how “It’s a Dangerous Business” started...



end of Chatper 3



Chatper 4 Discord?



SC276: No wait, it’s just the lamp. False alarm.

Crazy56U: Discord caused this story to exist. That is the only logical explanation.



after leaving PonyVille I walk north to the location I near to get to ok I found the chimera well well who I got here?



SC276: Tickets are now $9.45.

RingmasterJ5: And now all it’s showing is Manos: The Hands of Fate… unriffed.

Crazy56U: (begins sobbing openly)



you boy what your name



SC276: What you say?



Said chimera my name is David and your name my name is Discord the ruler of Chao



SC276: So Equestia is a Chao garden, apparently?

RingmasterJ5: Goddamnit, am I going to have to waste another ten hours trying to create the perfect racer again?

Crazy56U: And then Sonic rushed in and bicycle-kicked Discord in the face.



I when I look you David I think should be Evil with me David said sorry Discord I don't want to be Evil Discord response back to David one day you will be Evil join me to make this world into Chao



SC276: Join me and together, we will bring adorable water pets to the galaxy.

RingmasterJ5: Hell, it’s probably a more noble goal than… whatever David’s trying to do.

Crazy56U: THERE’S AN “S” IN CHAOS, YOU IDIOT



somepony was in the air HEY DAVID Rainbow Dash shouted Discord said I will see you again David and then Discord Teleport away Hi David how are you said Rainbow Dash



SC276: Having missed the discussion with the visible mishsmash of parts that… used to be a movie theater?

Cola: That makes as much sense as anything else here.

Crazy56U: That is to say none at all.



David response back I fine I'm going the right way? said David Rainbow Dash response to David I think your going the wrong I can't remember said Rainbow Dash with a sad face on her David



SC276: I don’t want to know which part of the body is the David.

Crazy56U: My guess? The ass. ZING



said hey Dash don't be sad ok I smile to Dash and then rainbow dash kiss me on the cheek then said to me I love you



SC276: You’ve literally known each other for two minutes, tops.

Topher: Disney movies are telling you to take it slow!

Crazy56U: It’s been two minutes, it feels like days… My sense of time is gone now...



and she said see ya again ok and she smile back at me of I almost forget you should ask Twilight Sparkle ok response back to Dash where can I find Twilight and Dash response back in the huge Tree it in PonyVille



SC276: First go see the princesses because reasons, then go see Twilight because reasons. And it’s a good thing you specified Twilight Sparkle, or otherwise he would’ve thought to walk into Discord.



and then Dash said see ya later right again? David said yeah ok see ya later Rainbow fly away oh ok I need to find this huge Tree? he said to himself Uncle I wish you was here I'm making Friends in Equestia



SC276: Three minutes is not friendship.

Topher: That’s not even acquaintances. That’s…About as strong a relationship as you get from a mcdonald’s cashier. You don’t talk, you just exchange th bare minimum of information, and you’re done.



end of chapter 4



Chatper 5 Meeting Twilight



SC276: Breaking Dawn.

Topher: NO! BAD SC! GO STAND IN THE CORNER, AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

Crazy56U: Honest to God, a crossover with Twilight would fix this mess, that’s how far we’ve gone...



I started to turn back to go back in Ponyville wait what the time David said he open the bag and got is phone to see what the time is 5:56 Pm ok I got time to get there



SC276: Assuming time works the same here as it does on Earth, which is a totally reasonable thing to assume.

RingmasterJ5: Even if it does, what’s saying Ponyville isn’t in a completely different timezone? Could be 1AM the next day for all he knows.

Topher: Actually, with the magically controlled sun and moon, everything’s kinda screwy.



I search to find the place and suddenly somepony jump on to David AHHHHHHHH! said David



SC276: For once, a reasonable reaction.



pony said I'm sorry to make you jump Hi my name Pinkie Pie what your name Pinkie pie said David response my name is David ouch I think a got leg cramp ah ah ah ah ah



SC276: Ah ah ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah ah-ah-ah. It’s something bad romance.

RingmasterJ5: Ten! Ten IQ points lost from reading this fic, ah ah ah!

Crazy56U: Great, on top of everything else, the story is skipping...



it hurt Pinkie Pie said I'm sorry David response I only need to stretch my leg oh Pinkie Pie do you know where Twilight um home is.



SC276: You already know where it is, it’s the giant-ass tree!

Crazy56U: David can’t be bothered to remember things.



Pinkie Pie said to David I show where she live David said thank you after we walk to Twilight suddenly Pinkie Pie ask me this do you have a pony who love you yet? David said what?



SC276: Yeah, pretty much what we’re asking.



Pinkie why are you asking me this I want to know Pinkie smile at David I see ya later David said to himself what strange pony oh well



SC276: Privacy-invading questions are a very common occurance these days.

Topher: Which reminds me, what was the strangest sex act you’ve ever participated in? Are you a virgin? If you’re a virgin, what’s the strangest porn you’ve fapped to?



David knock on the door no response hello anybody in there I knock again on the door and finally someone answer ah a dragon



SC276: You can feel the concern with the story’s complete lack of exclamation points.

Crazy56U: DULL SURPRISE!



please don't burn me dragon response it fine I'm not a bad dragon



RingmasterJ5: Ah, phew, we averted the giant dildoes.

Crazy56U: ...yep, that image is now in my brain. (pulls out power drill)



how are you anywhere?



SC276: Now’s not the time to get philosophical.



I response I'm a human and My name is David and what your name Dragon David said Spike Response with the name is Spike ok so what do you want Spike said to David response



SC276: Stimulus, response. Stimulus, response!

Cola: I don’t want any more stimuli!



I want to see Twilight Spike said well come in I go get her. David to himself really huge tree with a library this town is getting weirder



SC276: No, that’s just the lack of definition.



hi my name is Twilight Sparkle and you want to see the two princesses Twilight said to David how did you know? I will write to princess Celestia tomorrow let go to sleep Twilight said David do you want to sleep with here tonight Spike said David response ok then I will then after I fell to sleep



SC276: Don’t bother waking up.



I start to think of my Dad to be alive (in the dream) dad teach me your fighting move please said David are you ready son



SC276: ARE YOU READY, KIDS?!

Crazy56U: NO.



Said Dad David response with I'm READY Dad teach me the move of being a Survival and Stealthy Soldier



SC276: *clears the desk for twow’s facedesk*

RingmasterJ5: It’s a single move, but he had issues remembering that you had to actually PRESS the button instead of just thinking about it.



Dad said you learn quick Son David said Thank Dad hug Dad David David DAVID!



SC276: And suddenly one of those Disney wakeups.

Crazy56U: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha! (cue Brady Bunch theme)



huh David open his eyes opps sorry Twilight said but David it time to get up what time is it David said Twilight response it 5:00 Am



SC276: Bitch, I don’t get up that early, I’m gonna back to sleep. Zzzzz...



come let get ready to go meet Princess Celestia A vehicle is coming to pick you and me up Twilight said to David said to back to Twilight



SC276: said to back to David said to back to Twilight said to back to David said to back to Twilig- 15-love.



ok David to himself now finally can meet Princess Celestia and tell her about Discord I hope Uncle Is fine and Aunt to End Of Chatper 5.



SC276: So, you hope the aunt’s fine at the end of the chapter that just ended? You really don’t care that much about her then.



Chatper 6 Dad?



RJ: Chief?

Crazy56U: End?



after not very long travel to canterlot David and Twilight enter the Castle Celestia need tell you something Twilight said to Celestia response ah hello Twilight want do you need my favourite student and she said who is this Twilight? David response my name is David Princess Celestia and I need to tell you something Discord is back Celestia response Oh no



SC276: Oh noes!

Topher: I noticed that a statue was missing from the garden, didn’t think anything of it! Also, there were some yaks doing the macarena and speaking in swahili as they beat me over the head with lollipops made of bowler hats, but I didn’t think DISCORD was involved!

Crazy56U: DULL SURPRISE!



Twilight go and get your friends and the elements of Harmony now Hurry



SC276: Hurry, hurry, hurry, step right up to the greatest carnival game the world has ever seen!

Topher: Sadly, we don’t have time for a FlimFlam bros. style musical number.

Crazy56U: Yet another let down in my life...



Twilight response ok Princess come David we must hurry David said ok then 35 minute later



SC276: That is a very specific number.

Crazy56U: They took a bathroom break.



ok Discord said he going to be at the Garden labyrinth 6 ponies said ok hahahaha welcome everypony and David



SC276: And Zoidberg.

Cola: ZOIIIIIIIIIIIIIDBERRRRRRRRRRRG

Crazy56U: And thus, this became the season 2 premiere again. (headdesk)



Discord here are the rules no Wing and no magic now good luck said Discord and then teleport away into the meddle of the maze



SC276: Oh my god, right in the middle of the episode. As if this wasn’t tough enough to swallow as it is.

Topher: I didn’t think it was possible, but we have found a return of harmony ripoff that is worse than “Discord.”



ok let do it and suddenly split into 7 ways in the maze ah what the ouch David said



SC276: What the what?

Cola: Okay! Let do it!



well walk deeply into the maze and I found David said Dad? what are you doing here



SC276: “Hell with the other dimension shit, you’re supposed to be dead!”



Dad response come Son test your Skill on me David said wait a minute ok let go then after 10 minute I fight my Dad and I suddenly kill him



SC276: And now Luke’s going over to the dark side.

Crazy56U: How do you kill a ghost?!



Dad said Well done son I meant David... David said Dad I'm sorry and then David starting to cried and suddenly Dad spirit to fade away and the maze start to open up I saw Discord I went to him



SC276: “Ooh, it’s the film about the haunted lighthouse!”



ah David said Discord I didn't think you had it you David response that it Discord I'm going to kill you are you? Said Discord a smile on him



SC276: He wasn’t smiling, there was a smile painted on his stomach.



so be it came then David to try to get to Discord but he to fast what the hell? David ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh fell on the ground and look beside and Said blood I'm I going to die?



RingmasterJ5: “Yes you idiot, you just tried to attack the spirit of chaos with… actually I’m not even sure what you used.”

SC276: The knife he brought here, most likely.

Cola: His thoughts? His toxic, nonsensical thoughts?

Crazy56U: Wait, David’s dying? … ...suddenly, this just got better.



I can't I won't



SC276: I think I can’t, I think I can’t…

Crazy56U: Oh, stop being a baby and just die.



I try to get a up Discord



SC276: Time to up Discord to Super Chaos mode!

RingmasterJ5: They needed to get the Emeralds three times for that.

Crazy56U: There are no 1-Ups in the garden, David, sorry.



your still alive I impressed Discord! Said Twilight why doe you do that huh David! all the ponies said that David wake up wake up wake up oh no please don't die



SC276: Please do die!

Crazy56U: Do us all a favor.



all ponies cried David said to himself where I'm I Haven



SC276: That could be any number of places, including the Herp Haven reptile spa from Magic School Bus or… dammit, I know there’s another one but it slipped my mind while I was typing.



Dad son you should not be here yet so son wake up Dad gave him Dad light to wake up and suddenly David feel weird



SC276: I feel weird too, but I think that’s my brain eating itself.

RingmasterJ5: ...Dad light?

Cola: DAD GAVE HIM DAD LIGHT! IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Crazy56U: I think this story is giving me an aneurysm...



like Dad but it David please wake up huh David said what happen we beat Discord



RingmasterJ5: All thanks to the power of… Dad light. The fuck does that even mean?

Cola: It means he’s getting all the great Dad flavor with a third of the calories!

Crazy56U: It’s a flashlight in the shape of David’s dad. Duh!



are you ok said all Ponies David response I thank you and hug all of the ponies



SC276: Hug ALL the ponies!



oh I know what would cheer you up David a PARTY! said Pinkie Pie David response Yep David smile oh I'm sorry I haven't meet you three yet



SC276: The plot went by too quickly for proper introductions. Or even a proper climax.

RingmasterJ5: It’s probably best that this story doesn’t have any sort of climax at all, honestly.

Cola: Thanks. Now I’m imagining a sex scene built of this mad babble narrative.

Topher: I think if this author tried to write sex between himself and one of the mane six it would come across as either gay sex or masturbation.



I'm AppleJack and I'm FlutterShy and I'm Rarity David response nice to meet you ok let have the party after we have the party for David said to all of the ponies oh I have go back from the portal to go back to Earth where I should be I kissed all of the ponies before I when through the portal I wrote a letter here what I wrote Dear Twilight I have to leave from the portal in evergreen forest now



SC276: Not sure whether typo or Everfree stays green in winter…

Crazy56U: The answer is yes.



I'm going to miss you guys one of there I will come to see you again from David James Groove aka



RingmasterJ5: Alright, I’ve whited out the next two words of the story because they’re easily the most ridiculous part of the entire thing. Try to decipher what he’s about to call himself from what you’ve read of the fic so far, then highlight them when you think you have a guess. You’re probably going to be wrong.

Fallen Prime: I’m not gonna participate because I cheated.

SC276: Alright, let’s see… I assume it’s going to be like pony naming conventions, so… Badass McGillicutty or something? I dunno. The guy doesn’t have any personality to speak of.

Cola: Dad light? Gibbering moron? Mister Badass?

Crazy56U: Well, that can’t be possible. There’s no way the name can be that-



Solid Snake (< Highlight here)



SC276: *SPITS OUT ORANGE JUICE* WHAT THE WHAT?!

RJ: !

RingmasterJ5: A good amount of the reason I put this fic up here was just so I could show you all… that.

SC276: THE GUY’S THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE! HE DOES NOTHING STEALTHY OR BADASS! HE SPENT THE FINAL BATTLE KNOCKED OUT, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!

Cola: You. Are. Fuck. Ing. Shit. Ting. Me.

Topher: This tweest brought to you by M. Night Shamallamadingdong.

Crazy56U: (in pain) … …this is why we can’t have nice things...



I put the litter near her bed and then I go into the portal after I come through the other side of the portal and I go home after I get inside home



SC276: This and that happened, and three months passed...



Uncle ask son where have you been I was worried David response Uncle I gone to this place the call Equestia Uncle said ok son



SC276: “A universe from a fictional TV show exists? Forget that, the playoffs are today!”

Crazy56U: Uncle made a mental note to send David to an insane asylum tomorrow.



and then smile at me David said to Uncle I'm going to bed goodnight Uncle after I got upside and just when to sleep without changing clothes



SC276: Yeah, sleep covered in pony dust, that’s great.

Topher: Little did he know, he accidentally brought back the deadly virus Buttmarkus Additivum. The human race was soon wiped out, overrun by shambling horde of infected. The poor souls swept up by the disease were left as mad shadows of their former selves, covered in colorful, festering boils and rashes that were inexplicably shaped like various everyday objects.



David said to himself what weird days I have



SC276: You think your day’s weird, we had to read this thing.



ok first going the army so I have nothing much to do.



SC276: It’s always the army with pony fics, isn’t it?

Crazy56U: ...you’re seriously sticking with the Solid Snake thing, aren’t you...



The End I hope you guys and girls enjoy I tell me what should like if I'm going make another FanFiction.



RingmasterJ5: And thankfully, he never did.

SC276: Oh I don’t even know where to start with this idiot. Actually, I do: USE MORE THAN ONE PARAGRAPH PER CHAPTER!!

Sigma: ...Yeah, I tried, but I had nothing for that second fic. Literally nothing except one or two quips.

RingmasterJ5: See you all next week when we return with… oh fuck, more Chat?

Cola: No. NO. NO!

SC276: Look at it this way: proper typesmanship.

RingmasterJ5: But on the other… horse supremacism.

SC276: After these fics, “proper typesmanship” wins out.

RingmasterJ5: We’ll see about that, won’t we… next time.

Crazy56U: ...I feel dead inside now.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: It’s been a long time.

Fallen Prime: Yeaaah... may have dropped the ball on that a little. Summer’s hectic and college is a bitch.

RingmasterJ5: I was looking through the list of the old stories we’ve done and noticed that we never tried to mock any of the fics by a certain author that by all means we should have at least once… but we’ll get to that later. Since, in setting up this doc, I realized that the Google Docs comment system has changed for the better in many ways. Fallen, an explanation?

Fallen Prime: Yeah, see the thing in the toolbar on the top right, right BELOW the comments button? That should either say “Viewing” or “Suggesting.” If you switch it to “Suggesting,” you can actually type your comments into the doc itself as... well, as suggestions. Saves us a boatload of legwork meticulously inserting every comment we think is good enough for the main doc.

RingmasterJ5: It will also prevent the page from literally crashing as many of our more crowded riffs have done in the past.

Fallen Prime: Christ, I can’t even open the one on my own story. 30,000 words’ worth of comments, not even counting how much the riffs have extended the doc... that sidebar’s a BITCH to load up. And don’t get me STARTED on the more popular ones like LTD…

RingmasterJ5: The MLU doc is guarded better than Fort Knox purely by Google’s shitty comment loading system. But now, if the document starts getting really slow, we can just add some of the better ones on the fly. Makes things so much easier, and the changes were enough that we’re christening this revival of the project “F/F/T3K15”, because wordplay.

Fallen Prime: But enough about that shit. Ring, explain the project.

RingmasterJ5: Well, long ago, there was a story called The Conversion Bureau. Happened to be the very first official riff we ever did, as well. There were a lot of different versions of this story, but some included a bit more dire take where Equestria was slowly engulfing the earth, forcibly ponifying all humans that its borders touched. One story set in this version involved the last humans on Earth using their last ten minutes before it engulfed the entire planet to set off a nuke. But that’s not the story we’re doing. Fallen?

Fallen Prime: Oh, hell no. This time, we’re tackling a story from a lolcow the likes of which we haven’t seen on F/F/T3K since Mykan. On FIMFiction, she goes by the name of Chatoyance, but a quick scan of ED will present you with an antagonistic, but not untrue, account of her time before horsewords. Chatoyance fashions herself as the site’s champion for Conversion Bureau stories told from the opposite spectrum: glorify the ponies, vilify the humans. Hell, her writing dehumanizes the humans more than the titular conversion ever could, which has brought her the same scorn on FIMFic in some circles that she’s been thrown elsewhere on the web.

RingmasterJ5: Now, you might be thinking “What does that thing about the nuke have to do with Chatoyance?” Well, she read that story and wasn’t exactly the happiest, because it didn’t end with the ponies coming out on top. So she decided to “fix” it, because she clearly couldn’t let a story with themes she didn’t like exist unmolested.

Fallen Prime: Oh, fun. Fix fics. Remember the flood of those that came after “The Mysterious Mare Do Well?” Hell, remember Mykan’s entire library? I’m not a fan of the stuff.

RingmasterJ5: And this is a fix fic of an already existing fanfic, making it so much worse.

Fallen Prime: A fix fic of a TCB fic. You’d think that would entail omitting the humans entirely and keeping them out of pony matters. Whatever your opinion on either side, putting them together in any fic is a huge risk, one that tends to lead to a tidal wave of godawful HIE schlock. It’s a risk Chatoyance seems fully aware of and revels in, and one that some standard-less masses eat up like flies eat shit. They white-knight her like there’s no tomorrow and try desperately to shield her from any valid criticism her stories get. The attacks on her person may be extreme (assuming they’re not exaggerated), but her body of work is not exempt from criticism, analysis, or negative comment.

And that’s why we’re here today. We’re gonna tear one of her stories wide open and expose the problems the fans don’t want to see. Looking at the amount of red on the like bar, even compared the nearly even split on the rest of her work, I’m sure it won’t take too much digging.

RingmasterJ5: We’re really kicking the hornet’s nest this time, but it’s the angriest hornets that make the best badfics.

Fallen Prime: I can take a couple hornets. I have one of those electric fly-swatters.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, behold the inaugural Chatoyance experience on F/F/T3K15, the first new riff of oh so many more to come: “Ten Minutes: Aftermath.”

Steel: And I’m really fucking late to the show!



(IT BEGINS)



This is an entry into the fifth Ponychan TCB Writing Event as organized by Krass McWriter.



NaturalGlitch: Not to be confused with Rash McFatter, of course.

Fallen Prime: Oh, I know Krass! In that I’ve heard about him flipping out and nuking the LGBT group he founded.



Following the PROMPT: “Simply put, write a continuation, prequel, or spinoff of someone else's TCB story.” I have decided to continue BronyOfSteel’s short story The Conversion Bureau: Ten Minutes



RingmasterJ5: You can click that title to go read the story this was based on if you want, but it’s not needed.

Steel: Context will be provided as we read! Hopefully. It’s Chatoyance, so I’m hopeful.

SC276: Can I go read that instead of this?



as seen on fimfiction.net

Ɐlternate-TCB: Ten Minutes:



NaturalGlitch: “—until lunch time, but also—”



AFTERMATH



MrSing: CAPSLOCK FURY!

Cola: Oh! It’s a postmodern treatment of life after numerical systems are discarded? No? It’s a shitty fixfic? Awww. :(



By Chatoyance



Kanzlerin: All it takes is one word to let you know that you’re in for a ride.

NaturalGlitch: One without rails, tracks, seatbelts...

SC276: Do we at least get peanuts?



Based on the story Ten Minutes by BronyOfSteel



SC276: You already said that.

Fallen Prime: Well, less “based on” and more “butchered to meet a complete opposite objective.”

Neo Masamune: “Can you even really say a story is really ‘Based’ on something if you tear it apart rather than build from it? I mean, in a technical sense you can but…”

Steel: ‘Based on’, because Chatoyance needs a platform to inspire more pro-change-ism, despite it being a massive dickpunch to rights.

MrSing: Is this like one of those “based on a true story” horror movies?



The terrible battle to reach that which the humans had struggled to defend was over.



Fallen Prime: Shame, that.

Steel: Damn, had a bet it’d go on another two days.

Axel Nyan: War… War never changes.

twow: It fuckin’ needs to.

Sigma: The battle for the secret Coca Cola formula had ended with terrible losses.



The humans had only needed to fight for ten minutes.



NaturalGlitch: “Those hotdogs aren’t going to eat themselves, you know.”

MrSing: Or else they would get into trouble with the union.

SC276: Bit long for a Smash Bros match...



Ten precious, terrible, brutal and horrifying minutes,



SC276: We only just started, author.



the most desperate moments that either species had ever known.



Fallen Prime: I’m sure I’ve seen worse desperation.

Steel: It’s called ‘Supporting My Little Dashie as a good story.’

Axel Nyan: I’d make a Seven Minutes in Heaven joke, but the author went and ruined it by making it ten minutes.

Cola: By my count, that’s twenty-two words in that last sentence. Twenty-two vacuous, overadjectified, overdescribed, and overwrought words, and the most irritating use of modifiers I’ve seen in a while.

Sigma: The ten, horrible minutes known as the prereading of this fic.

MrSing: Lady, you don’t know desperate until you’ve been at the DMV for the fifth day in a row.



The bodies of ponies, and partially transformed humans lay upon the ruined ground,



NaturalGlitch: “Dude—I am so baked...”

MrSing: They got all tuckered out from all that fighting.

Dark Angel: I can already see people somehow turning this into a fetish.



marinating in blood and ichor.



twow: So what, the ponies bled the same blood as a fucking Greek god? Yeah okay.

Simon: Nothing says "pony glorification" than giving them divine traits. I'm surprised the humans here don't bleed either Eitr or acid like the alien from the movie... well, Alien.

Darth: Redundant gore description is redundant.

Kanzlerin: I’m fairly sure there are more tasteful things out there that one can marinate, but, that’s just me.

RJ: Just don’t let them sit too long. They’ll get gamey.



The ponies had fought with the only weapon they would use, flasks, crystal eggs, and



NaturalGlitch: “—hot apple pies, balloons, power hugs...”

Simon: Okay, when you say "only weapon”, it basically means you use only ONE. Why is there a list of several things here?

SC276: She’s writing a fix fic to a fanfic for a fanfic. I’m willing to bet the author can’t actually count.



vials of the transforming serum known as 'potion',



MrSing: You think this name is bad? One of the test names was “purple stuff”.



a purple, grape-flavored construct of human nanotechnology and Equestrian magic.



Fallen Prime: So... delicious magical science.

Neo: Is Potion the market brand name or did they just go for the generic brand? Also, is it really necessary to tell us what flavor it was?

Steel: I... think so? Maybe it’s called ‘Grape-Flavored Nanomachines’, and they just went with ‘Potion’ for all the youngsters reading.

Kanzlerin: Rules of nature, son.

Neo: DON’T FUCK WITH THIS SUN PRINCESS!



Where the ponies won, new ponies arose, smiling,



NaturalGlitch: “Brains~”

Simon: So you’re throwing at me that ponies are the GOOD guys in the story, and yet you describe them as if they were a fucking pandemic? Yeah, I’m siding with humans, even if they resisted the invasion as long as they did in Battlefield: Earth.



their hearts filled with peace.



Steel: And ours filled with abject terror at this act of ‘kindness’.

twow: “WE DON’T WANT FRIENDSHIP.”

Sigma: Yes, they were filled with peace. That’s why they fought.

Darth: Peace is a lie. There is only stupid.

SC276: Their hearts were also filled with blood and ichor, don’t forget that.



The humans had fought with grenade and bullet



NaturalGlitch: “It’s my turn to use the bullet! MOM! Donny won't share!”

Simon: Technically the correct term is “shell”. Bullet refers to the part of the whole projectile that actually hits the target. Usual misconception, but I like the idea that these humans lasted so little because they went into throwing already used bullets at the ponies.



and when these were gone, bayonet and knife.



Steel: The bullets weren’t too useful since nobody had guns.

Waterpear: No, not bullets. Bullet. One of them. Among the entire human race.

Kanzlerin: No wonder the fighting was so desperate. Everyone had to share.

Sigma: Eventually, the humans ran out of those, and resorted to bow and arrow. After that, they used… Hold on, some guns don’t use bullets. And this doesn’t rule out missiles, rockets, cannons, shells… Lots of weapons to use.

MrSing: When those were gone they used their hands, and when those were gone it just became sad.



Where the humans had won, lay newly created corpses, dead, gummy eyes staring into oblivion,



Sigma: Pinkie’s pet was given a full decorated funeral with military honors.

Sven: The 21 Party Cannon salute was glorious.



or rolled back into bullet-riddled skulls. Ragged chunks of both pony and former comrades had spattered on cracked ground and crumbling wall,



NaturalGlitch: Crumbling Wall is the name of the new nightclub downtown.

SC276: “Mr. Gorbachev, crumble down this wall!”



rapidly becoming crimson nurseries for swarming flies.



MrSing: Their guns became schools for the grasshoppers.



They had shot the ponies to prevent them reaching the device.



NaturalGlitch: ...I’m not even sure the MLPs bleed, but if they do, what color is it?

SC276: I thought we established they bled ichor? I’m confused now.

NaturalGlitch: Sorry—my brain seems to be in the same state as ice cubes inside a blender set to frappe.



They had shot their potion-covered own to prevent them turning into yet more ponies.



Locklen: What is this, a zombie apocalypse?

Fallen Prime: ...does anyone else remember an image of protesters stuffing military rifles with pretty flowers as a peace message during the Vietnam war? Yeah, neither does the author.

Steel: 1/10, not enough description of gore. And at this point, they’d have to be sticking flowers in the corpses, because even dead ponies and humans will always breed new life.

Neo: Sir, please don’t question the author’s logic, it’s against fic policy.



At last, the screams of horror and pain had been silenced.



Cola: They’ve ceased? The fic is over? The suffering has ended, we are free! We are -- oh, no, there’s more. Oh.

MrSing: If I hear one more scream of horror and pain no one is getting ice cream.

Simon: The thing is, they had been silenced… by who? I mean, sure, I could give less of a backflipping fuck, but that’s what you get for overusing passive voice.



There remained only one human left, wounded and bleeding, crumpled like a broken doll



MrSing: Ahem, it’s called an “action figure” thank you very much.

Simon: Only if you never remove it from the box.



against the heavy concrete cradle that supported the immensely heavy treasure the humans had been guarding.



NaturalGlitch: “—the last port-a-potty.”



It was a hypernuclear device,



MrSing: Superdupernuclear was already taken.

RJ: They had to collect the Chaos Emeralds twice to do it, but it was worth it.



magnitudes more powerful than any mere hydrogen bomb. It was a planet-killer, and it represented the last, fierce act of angry men to deal vengeance upon the alien Equestrians.



Steel: For posterity, there is a gigantic middle finger drawn onto the warhead.

Waterpear: In “Ten Minutes,” this device was a regular nuclear weapon. Chatoyance upgraded it because reasons.

Neo: Gotta make them humans look deadly!

Simon: Which is really hard to believe because these Ponies/Scourge hybrids had wiped them faster than the time my coffee break lasts.



Hidden, behind the wounded man, a small box quietly performed subtraction upon the numbers it displayed.



NaturalGlitch: So...a timer?

MrSing: Humanity’s greatest weapon. A pocket calculator.

Sven: Hey, some of those scientific calculators could leave a mark!

Neo: My father was killed by a pack of scientific calculators, so don’t tell me those things aren’t dangerous.



The numbers were counting down not minutes but seconds, and there were precious, precious few of those left, now.



Fallen Prime: Like, TENS of them, man!

Neo: Okay so, apparently we’re just skipping past the Ten Minutes this story is supposedly about and going right to the last ten seconds. Man, this author is not even hiding the fact that they just want to make their own ending to this story.

Steel: Just like how we’d like the ending to stay the same.

Axel Nyan: Unfortunately, the end can’t be changed to come soon enough.

Neo: Ten minutes? Feels like ten years.

Simon: This is why overly descriptive books give us movies with so much filler; most of the book are descriptions that are just there on the movie screen for you to see.

Dark Angel: It’s one thing to take ten hours to explain ten minutes passing. But when it takes ten hours just to explain that this is the end of the ten minutes...



Celestia, the immortal ruler of the cosmos of Equestria



SC276: Just the cosmos of Equestria? Then what are you doing in our airspace, lady?!

NaturalGlitch: Immortal? Age magic exists—just saying. It also kind of got debunked when it turns out Celestia can get hurt and probably die..



stood facing the last soldier, her eyes angry, her mouth tight.



NaturalGlitch: “Her heart was heavy, and her prostate weak. Her bladder was full to bursting...”

SC276: “Trying to use telekinesis without magic is probably the third-stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”



The last man would be converted, for ponies, however hard they fight, do not kill. Not even one who has slaughtered so very, very many.



Steel: Oh dear, oh me oh my. The ‘holier than thou’ feel of this is just, just so sweet, so heartfelt, so... gag, make it stop!

Sigma: “Yes, we don’t kill, instead we overwrite your personality, force you to become an entirely different species, and then claim the moral high ground!”

Axel Nyan: Blah Blah Blah ponies are better because they don’t kill blah blah blah, isn’t there a group specifically for stories that are like this? Can we send this to that trash bin?

Darth: Ponies don’t kill? Yeah, sure. Tell that to Sombra.

NaturalGlitch: Sure they kill. Have you ever try looking at the Cutie Mark Crusaders when they’re sad? Heart-stopping power right there.





Fallen Prime: ...that doesn’t look like Princess Celestia.

Neo: Hmmm....hey guys...I don’t think that’s Celestia. Just a hunch.

SC276: SUDDENLY, IMAGE.

[Waterpear: Just as a note, the next few paragraphs up until “Zero Minutes” are copied verbatim from Ten Minutes itself.]

Steel: Thank you for the tip.

Fallen Prime: Hold up. I think that might be grounds for a plagiarism report.

twow: Who the fuck is that?!

Axel Nyan: On a guess, I’d assume this was Fluttershy OC#32359

Neo: Also can we talk about how bad this picture is, like that is some MSPaint blood right there.

Waterpear: No Fluttershys were harmed in the production of this fanfic disaster.

Kanzlerin: ...No one’s going to mention how the art appears to be superimposed over a real-life photo of a bombed-out, war-torn building? No? Okay.

Cola: So add to the list of crimes this fic has benefitted directly from, “some damn building was bombed”.



A pale yellow Pegasus stood before her, looking nervously at the ground now that she had Celestia’s attention.



NaturalGlitch: “Her pelt is actually colored white, but she couldn’t find the bathroom in time.”



“I-if it wouldn’t be too much trouble princess, could I be the one to convert him? It would mean a lot to me.”



Fallen Prime: “The thousands of other mares and stallions said the same thing. Fuck off, I’m royalty.”

Steel: “But Princess, you’ve converted everypony else already! I want a try!”

Sigma: I’m just imagining them as Jehovah’s Witnesses fighting over a door. “No, it’s my turn to knock, I haven’t converted anyone yet! It’s important to me!”

SC276: So what do these guys burn into the lawn, the Friendship is Magic logo?



The princess cocked her head to the side for a moment before speaking again, “Why does this mean so much to you, young one?” All traces of disdain and anger that had colored her voice while speaking to the young man were now gone.



NaturalGlitch: [disdain and anger] “We’re free! So long, terrible fanfic!”

Sven: Lucky bastards.



“W-well I k-kinda know him.”



Fallen Prime: I’m not sure how far “kinda” will carry you.

Neo: Because you know, fuck the fact that you were just enraged that this guy slaughtered a whole mess of your people, the fact that this Re-Skin of Fluttershy is asking you a question immediately dissolves all of your hatred. Yep.

Steel: Thou shalt not rage against thine spatial neighbor.

Axel Nyan: These two definitely fucked. Rigorously.

Cola: “He k-kinda f-fucked me like he was t-trying to win a p-prize for about two hours.”

Waterpear: “It was...the last, fierce act of angry men.”



Celestia’s expression turned thoughtful, “I see… what is your name?”

“Sky Shimmer, your majesty.”



Neo: Silly, that isn’t how you say Fluttershy.

twow: *hisses angrily*

Cola: ‘Sky Shimmer’? Oh, that must be Fluttershy’s club name.

NaturalGlitch: Party...soft?

Cola: Yaaaaaaaayyyyy.



“Sky Shimmer if it means that much to you, then I will allow you this great honor.”



MrSing: There’s always that one guy that must have the final kill.



The princess of the sun



NaturalGlitch: Urge...to...use...canon to...crush...fanon logic...rising!



said as she walked over to the small pony and nuzzled her affectionately.



Fallen Prime: Because hyper-affectionate utopian rainbow horse race.

Steel: LONG LIVE THE EMPIRE, LONG LIVE THE EMPIRE, PRAISE CELESTIA PRAISE HER LIGHT. And all that other religious doctrine and stuff.

Cola: And then Celestia and Sky Shimmer totally did it, right there in front of him.

MrSing: That’s the way the world ends, not with a whisper, but with a bang.



Sky Shimmer after receiving the princess’ blessing then turned from her ruler to the young man



Steel: Bent down, and got to converting.

twow: pls no

Cola: Was there some sort of frigging comma shortage when this was written? One after Sky Shimmer, and one after blessing.

NaturalGlitch: I see that this writer has a passionate hatred for the comma.

Neo: And is deeply in love with semicolons, as we will see soon.

SC276: Isn’t this the part that was copied from the the other fic? So, two authors with one fic. ...Also, semicolon overuse is practically my shtick.

Neo: If you wanna make yourself look professional, just stick semicolons literally everywhere! Results guaranteed!



, and began walking towards the human with a slow meaningful stride,



NaturalGlitch: “—slipping on the recently waxed floors, smashing her face on the wall...”

MrSing: This would have been a lot more menacing if she wasn’t prancing in slow motion.



her eyes never leaving his face.



Steel: She had trailed him for weeks. She knew his face, even from a mile away. And she never stopped staring... not once in her life. Never.

Axel Nyan: Repealing my last statement. They didn’t fuck, they’re about to. I thought this was a shitty conversion bureau fic, not some shitty clopfic.

Sigma: You imply the two to be mutually exclusive.

SC276: How long have her eyes been attached to his face again? Always? Good to know.



The young man in question just returned the unwavering gaze looking into her eyes



MrSing: “One... last... staring contest.”



and seeing concern, regret, and recognition?



Fallen Prime: If he’s the literal last human, then so many people he knows will have been converted that “kinda knowing him” won’t be enough to recognize one specific person-pony.

Waterpear: Man, I hate it when an unwavering gaze looks into my eyes and sees concern and regret.

Neo: Especially when they recognize you, Ugh. So embarrassing.

Steel: Guh, makes me wanna set off the hyper-mega-bob-omb.

Axel Nyan: That question mark at the end really bothers me.

Sigma: The story seems to be uncertain about how to use a fucking period?

Cola: Trust me, after you’ve been fucked by a guy like that, you remember his face, among other things.

Neo: Like how he liked to call her Uncle Mike.



Finally the pale yellow pony reached the young man, looking down at his now crimson shirt



MrSing: Great, now he literally is a redshirt.

NaturalGlitch: Mike has been playing with lipstick again.



with the deepest regret the young man had ever seen, “Michael…” she spoke,



NaturalGlitch: Jackson or Jordan?

Cola: Stipes? Moore? Douglas?

Simon: Myers, hopefully; The Cat in the Hat was something that didn’t need to happen.

SC276: “It involves… murder.”



low enough for just the two of them to hear,



MrSing: WHAT? WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Sven: AYE AYE CAP-, oh wrong show, sorry.

SC276: ~Who lives in a pineapple-?~ *brick’d*



the young man’s expression changed to one of shock at hearing his own name.



Fallen Prime: He was within earshot when she SAID she knew him, right?

Steel: Maybe nobody has ever called him Michael? It’s always Mic, or Mike, or Microphone.

Simon: Maybe he’s like a demon, which is bound to serve whoever knows his true name.

twow: At least he has a fucking name.

Sigma: Yeah, he has a name, but will we have any reason to remember that name?



The Pegasus then brought a hoof behind the young man’s head as she brought her own forward,



MrSing: Get ready for the neck snap of a life time.



touching her forehead to his, “I’m so sorry.”



Fallen Prime: “...that you’re still alive. My aim really sucks.”

Neo: You know how you could show how sorry you were? NOT TURNING HIM INTO A PONY!

Steel: And not turning everybody else into ponies! And making it a voluntary process, instead of conquering the human race and backpedalling hard on everything ponydom is about.

Sigma: Don’t be silly, that would be reasonable!



She whispered as a single tear rolled down her muzzle.



Waterpear: Only a single tear, of course, because these are humans. Humans don’t have souls. [I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT THE STORY IMPLIES]



The young man sat there for a moment before bringing his own hand up behind her head,



NaturalGlitch: “—and belched his lunch right up her nose.”

MrSing: He’s going for a counter neck snap!

Neo: C-C-COMBO BREAKER!



running his fingers through her mane. “Me too.”



Fallen Prime: The downside to hooves is that the gesture of running your fingers through a partner’s hair loses 90% of its magic. Savor it while you can, Mike Wazowski.

Steel: But the upside of ponies is they’re really soft. So hugs work out nicely.

Cola: “Sorry I didn’t put a bullet between your eyes after I came. EAT LEAD, BITCH!”



And with that Sky Shimmer drew the young man into a kiss,



Steel: And millions of people into horses and people kissing came immediately.

twow: Yeah, no. I’m sorry, I can’t be touched by this so-called “moment”.

Kanzlerin: “HEY GUYS LOOK, THEY’RE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER, SEE?”

Sigma: ...I guess Axel was right.

Cola: I think you’re supposed to use lips, not pencil and paper, but...y’know, never mind. It’s less disturbing to imagine she’s drawing something, here.

NaturalGlitch: “Where she got the paint brushes and the canvas is anyone’s guess.”



and as he sat there locking lips with the pony that had once been the girl he had loved with his entire being,



NaturalGlitch: “♫If you know what I mean!♫”

Simon: Ooooh, I get it. She was his human lover before… yeah, I still have no empathy or sympathy for any of these two. Throw a bear there and maul them both, this is boring.



the young man could taste the grape on her lips.



Neo: Again, is the whole grape flavor thing really that relevant?

Steel: I think it suddenly just became relevant.

Neo: If grapes actually turn out to be the main ingredient in ‘Potion,’ then I might just flip a table.

Axel Nyan: This author is trying so hard to force her grape-fetish on her readers.

RJ: This is going to be stuck in my head every time grape comes up now. Thanks, fic.

Waterpear: The cherry flavor unconditionally turns you into a mare. I am not making this up.

Sigma: ...What kind of grape? Green, red, or purple grape? They all have a distinctive taste, you know.

Neo: What about Blue Raspberry?

MrSing: Nothing like a cold glass of grapes right before battle.

Cola: Hey, now. Grape isn’t something to joke about.

SC276: I’m fairly sure at this point that the “potion” is just wine and everyone is actually drunk off their gourds. Like I wish I was about a quarter of the way into this mess.



And then suddenly everything turned the purest white the young man had ever seen.



twow: Why did Celestia shove her ass in his face?

Darth: No. Don’t use that word. There’s nothing “pure” about this.

Dark Angel: That’s not entirely true. This fic is ‘pure’ shit.

MrSing: Es ist PURE und WHITE und ze pony race will rize again!



Zero Minutes.



Fallen Prime: Zero Hour. Absolute Zero. Act Zero. Zero 2: Electric Zeroloo.

Steel: Megaman Zero, Megaman Zero X.

RingmasterJ5: Zero Escape: Humanity’s Last Reward (has been retconned out of this fic)

Sigma: Zero Punctuation (has deemed this fic shit).

Cola: Zeros! They’re within minutes of Pearl Harbor! *makes airplane noises*

SC276: Zero Mission (seeks to replace the original entirely).

RJ: (singing) Why we could never reach a star without you, Zero, my hero, how wonderful you are...



The blinding brilliance slowly began to fade. As the bright, white glow dimmed, Michael began to wonder how he could be seeing it,



NaturalGlitch: ...with his eyes?



how he could be seeing anything at all.



MrSing: Eyes. Again.



At first, he had thought that the brilliant flash of light was the hypernuclear device detonating.



NaturalGlitch: “Or maybe it was because he stuck a fork in the outlet—again.”

SC276: ~’Cause I have done it before, and I can do it some more, I got my eye on the score, I’m gonna cut to the core...~



But now that he considered it, he realized that would be absurd.



Fallen Prime: Unless you’re dead and en route to the pearly gates, which you’re in no position to doubt right now. Also, in light of what Waterpear’s just said... this is a REALLY clunky transition.

Cola: “...just like this entire verse concept.” Seriously, fuck the whole TCB.



If the device had detonated, the entire northern hemisphere would have been turned to molten rock, the atmosphere instantly converted to plasma,



NaturalGlitch: It really should be LED. Get with the times, man!



and the entire planet’s biosphere extinguished within less than a second.



Steel: And because this is all about ponydom saving humanity from its own ‘foolishness’, instead of going out in a great big, spectacular BANG, it didn’t.

MrSing: The worst part is that the hypernuke isn’t even gluten free.



His own body would have become nothing more than a flashprint on the concrete, which itself would have vaporized in less than a millionth of a second.



Steel: Sadly, he’d always wanted to leave his mark on the world. Too bad he got overshadowed by a giant fucking bomb.

twow: Damn, “Hatred” needs a more brutal rating then AO.

Kanzlerin: As boring as that game was, I still found it far more profound than this.

Sigma: That game at least tried to be offensive. However, this is Chatoyance.

Waterpear: What’s the difference between Ten Minutes: Aftermath and Hatred? One of them is terrible and only became notable for being morally bankrupt. The other is a video game.

RingmasterJ5: Hatred at least had pretty explosion effects. This… well, actually, I can’t think of a single redeeming factor this story has.

MrSing: This story stopped its only explosion. That makes it double lame.



There literally would not have been time for the signal from his own retina to travel the distance from his eyes to the back of his head where the visual centers of his brain were.



Locklen: Wait, just the northern hemisphere? If you fuck with that, the southern hemisphere isn’t going to remain a hemisphere.

Neo: THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!

Sigma: No, we won’t. Half of us are too dumb to fight properly.

Fallen Prime: Can we get the science side of the Internet to rip this open and dissect it?

Neo: I almost want to call bullshit on this but, so far this is the most logical thing that anybody has said or thought in this story.

Steel: Science Nerd! If the northern hemisphere heated up enough to ignite, there would be a cascade reaction throughout the world, causing the rest of the atmosphere to ignite as well. Earth would become one giant wildfire, and even if the atmosphere didn’t go, the resulting smoke clouds, gigantic tsunamis and firestorms would make sure everything did.

Neo: Get Science-ed Chatoyance.

Cola: So, just to be clear, the thing we are describing didn’t happen. Good thing we’re still talking about it, author! Let’s also talk about a hypothetical shit Celestia took yesterday morning while we’re at it, too.



There would have been no possible way to see anything, had the device at his back detonated. He would have been terminated instantaneously;



NaturalGlitch: “Have I mentioned this yet? Maybe I should write a few more paragraphs just in case my audience doesn’t understand.”

SC276: There’s purple prose, and then there’s ultraviolet.



he would literally been dead before he could physically have known it.



Fallen Prime: Unless, again, you’re heaven-bound without knowing it.

Steel: This is really being bashed into our faces, isn’t it? We get it, he’s not dead, the bomb never went off, humanity lost.

twow: Guys, look at this beautiful purple prose!!!!

Sigma: Not even gonna try for a life flashing before his eyes? No? Okay.

Simon: Unless you want three-fics worth of how shitty human existence is, I’m glad she didn’t consider doing that.



Yet Michael was still seeing the light fade, and he still tasted grape going down his throat, and he still felt the lips of the pony that had delivered that kiss.



NaturalGlitch: “—with the taste of hay and oats.”

MrSing: Try kissing a horse on the mouth in real life and report back to me on how it tasted.

Neo: Can I get mine in cherry flavor instead of grape?

SC276: I’m an orange man, myself.



Sky Shimmer pulled her muzzle slowly away from Michael. She was waiting, expectantly.



Waterpear: I call bullshit. The taste of artificial grape should cause involuntary spitting.

Steel: I like grape-flavored stuff... oh God, I’m screwed if this ever happens. Grape flavor is irresistible!

Sigma: What kind of grape?

Cola: Gang grape.



Michael swallowed again. He had involuntarily swallowed during Lisa’s... no, Sky Shimmer’s kiss;



Fallen Prime: Even as a pony, she still needed braces.

Steel: Braces are pretty good.

Sigma: I’m honestly imagining she just has a dick for a tongue and just came down his throat.

MrSing: That’s Aliens, Sigma.

Simon: That’s an extra for the porn version of the movie.

Neo: The sad part is I can see that being a thing. It probably is a thing.



her mouth had been full of serum,



NaturalGlitch: ...my mind went to gross places for a second there.



full of the nanotechnomagical



RJ: (singing) It’s nanotechnomagical, micromechnimystical, picorobosupernatural bullshit!

Neo: ...Wow, that sure is... letters. I think they might even mean something!

Fallen Prime: Because why own a word blender if you won’t use it?

Steel: Word Blender, results may vary in coherence.

MrSing: This fic is full of megaprosewords.

Simon: Why can’t they just use regular magic instead of combining every single science ever?



ponification serum, which Sky had forced into him.



Steel: What a bitch, snowballing him like that!

Neo: He should sue. You can make mad money off a case like that.

Cola: She kissed him and used that to forcibly change him, and he’ll be totally okay with that once the magic goop makes him a pony? This is the plan?



He should be changing. Yet nothing was happening.



Steel: Dun dun dun, he was IMMUNE!

The Janitor: Ugh, Plot Convenience.

Darth: By the power of bullshit!

SC276: IIIIII HAAAAAVE THE NARRATIIIIIIIIVE!



Michael looked around. He was no longer in pain; his wounds from the battle were still there, but he was not bleeding anymore.



NaturalGlitch: But I thought ♫those wounds will not heal!~♫

MrSing: It’s simple, he ran out of blood.



Behind him, the hypernuclear device, the most destructive weapon ever conceived,



Fallen Prime: and subsequently birthed live,

Neo: Man that must have HURT.

Steel: Giving birth to a giant thermonuclear bomb tends to, yeah.

Kanzlerin: I would feel pretty bad for the midwife.

Sigma: Nanny Ogg will never be old enough for this shit.



still supported his back.



NaturalGlitch: [hypernuclear device] “You’re a great back! Yes you are!”

MrSing: WMD are great for hernias.

Cola: "This fall on TNT -- one is the last human in existence. The other is the nuclear bomb that's got his back. Lasty and The Nuke!"



What was going on?



Neo:...You expect us to have these answers?

Steel: I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!!!

twow: That would imply that something was going on in the first place, actually.

Cola: The author was still writing this asinine middle finger of a story, as far as readers could tell. Still, readers wondered, deep down, why the author would even ask this question. Did the author mean to question the very reality of the reader? Or was it simply a shitty segue so that Fluttersky Shimmer could be confused?



Sky Shimmer also seemed confused.



Cola: Well, that answers that.

SC276: Sky Shimmer hurt itself in its confusion!



She turned back towards princess Celestia. “Princess, he isn’t changing!



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “You’re supposed to get a clean diaper.”

MrSing: Well, did you ask politely first?



I gave him the potion, but he isn’t changing!”



Fallen Prime: “MAKE HIM CONFORM, DAMMIT!”

Steel: “GOD DAMN IT, MARE, I WANT MY BOYFRIEND TO BE FORCED INTO PONYDOM!”

Neo: “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS!? BAH! SHIT’S FOR THE BIRDS.”

Cola: He is one of the daywalkers! SCREEEEEEE!



“He is currently suspended, my little pony;



RJ: He’ll get a fine, the humans will lose a draft pick, and everyone’ll whine about Bombgate for the next few seasons.



the serum derives its potency from the magic of Equestria, and thus is subject to my will.



NaturalGlitch: Wha-huh?! But... HUH?!

MrSing: I’ll try using that excuse the next time something doesn’t work in my office.

Simon: I am trying to make sense of all this, and something tells me I shouldn’t! What’s the motherfucking point of crafting a magical transformation potion if Celestia’s the one with the last word on who gets transformed?



It is my will that holds him now, on the cusp of change, and supports his injured flesh.”



Fallen Prime: Holds him physically, or mentally? Or both? Because if it’s mental, then…

Waterpear: He’s held within Celestia’s prison of semicolons.

twow: Oh, she’s bein’ a bitch. Gotcha.

Simon: To both, actually; Sky Shimmer went into all the trouble of asking to be the one converting her, and Celestia’s all like “calm your tits, lil’ one, and dry that pussy of yours, I have businesses pending with this asshole.”

Steel: Celestia scares me now. “YOUR LIFE IS IN MY HOOVES, INSIGNIFICANT MORTAL. ARE YOU AFRAID?” Commence SHODAN Syndrome.



Celestia, regent of all Equestria, literal goddess of the sun,



Steel: And sex slave to every fan of Fall of Equestria.

Neo:...Don’t remind me please, I might start siding with Chatoyance.

NaturalGlitch: But she’s not lite—nope. No, not going there.

MrSing: Literally a horse.

SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!



turned her attention to Michael.



Steel: She didn’t like his face very much. She would soon change that.

Sigma: Because he won’t have a face!

Cola: He won’t have a place for a face!

Neo: By the end of it nobody would remember what a face was!



“Young human, while yet you remain so, I wish to show you something,



MrSing: If she starts singing about “showing him the world” I’m out.

Simon: It would be brief, since there’s not that much to see anymore, big boom or not.



that no resentment may be harbored in your heart despite what will come.



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “Pictures of Luna and I as fillies. This one is of my sister trying to drink without a sippy cup for the first time.”



Stand, and join me.”



Fallen Prime: ...yeah, if it’s mental, you’re brainwashing him into complying. Either I’m wrong, or this is protagonist-centered morality at its worst.

twow: Nothing you do from this point save letting him remain human will be good.

Steel: Again, this is Chatoyance. We’re beyond the point of saving anybody.

Neo: Chatoyance is inescapable, like Death or Jehovah's Witnesses.

Cola: ALL HAIL CHATOYANCE! WORSHIP CHATOYANCE AT THE CHURCH OF YOUR CHOICE!

SC276: “Join me, and we will bring peace to the galaxy.”



Michael had been known as Reaper.



Neo: [INTERNAL YELLING]

(Steel rushes off to rename the Reaperverse.)

twow: Oooh, I can FEEL Steel twitching.

Steel: THE SHAME IS REAL.

Axel Nyan: {Checks off Edgy Title from The List}

Sigma: I’m just imagining he calls himself that to sound cool and no one else does.

Neo: “Guys I call myself Reaper because I take lives and I’m super gri-” “Stop being a faggot Larry.”

Cola: This is the twist! It turns out Michael was actually the main character in the Doom movie all along!

MrSing: It was his actual legal last name. No jokes please, he has heard them all.



He had served his species with all of his heart, and all of his ability.



Waterpear: So, all of his ability, then.

Sigma: ...So, basically he was useless.

Steel: He felt kinda bummed out when none of that got him to hit the ‘blow shit up’ button.

Cola: And this mayonnaise stain of a human being was given the title 'Reaper'? My shapely ass.



He had killed countless numbers of the alien, equinoid invaders.



Steel: He would then have a deep-seated fear of tall horses with wings and horns.

Cola: “The hooves...the hooves…” And now, with his massive trauma, he’ll soon be the very thing he has nightmares about!

MrSing: Also a few Shetlander ponies, but those animals had it coming.

SC276: “THE GOLDEN ARCHES! THE GOLDEN ARCHES GOT ME!”



He had held the line until the ten minute countdown was up.



NaturalGlitch: Sure, he made it so no one else could get in the restaurant, but now he and his party had their choice of seats.



But the bomb had clearly not detonated. The flash, the flash of light; Celestia must have cast some kind of spell, some strange alien magic that had rendered the hypernuclear device inert.



NaturalGlitch:”The balls are...” No! Not gonna do it!

SC276: Or she could’ve just, y’know, disabled the timer. Someone forgot about Occam’s contribution to society again.

Cola: Or maybe she just fucking turned it off. It's a timer. Timers can be turned off.



Perhaps he could yet set it off...



Fallen Prime: ...okay, if you’re gonna do that with your wife(?) right there, you aren’t even fit to turn into a pony. Has no one thought about the forced convertees that are going to NOT like it and fuck things up out of spite?

RingmasterJ5: Oh, you sweet summer child. Don’t you know that in Chatoyance’s universe, ponifying pures them of any evil thoughts as well? It’s like some kind of technicolored Harrison Bergeron shit.

twow: “I wanna be a good pony-boy now!”

Steel: Should I feel sad right now? I feel sad right now.

Simon: My sadness is more about how far I’ve read and… how popular was this rewriting again? No, don’t tell me, I will probably cry.

Neo: Chatoyance wishes she could dystopia as well as Harrison Bergeron.

Waterpear: Chatoyance wishes she could dystopia as well as Ayn Fucking Rand.

Sigma: And that’s terrible.



Michael rocketed to



NaturalGlitch: ”—the ceiling, breaking his neck. THE END!”



a standing position and turned around, hoping to activate the manual detonation system on the device.



Sigma: “Out of order? Fuck!”

Neo: “HOW DO YOU BREAK A THERMONUCLEAR BOMB!?”

Cola: Wait, why would you ever try to detonate a manual? That doesn't -- oh. Sorry.

NaturalGlitch: “This is harder than trying to figure out how to program a VCR!”

SC276: If there was a manual detonator, why did they bother having the ten-minute last stand? Did they think they were going to get out of range in that time or something?



Where the device had been now stood a perfect replica of it; only made of stone.



NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “It’s made out of the same thing my brain is!”

MrSing: We switched the hypernuclear bomb with an exact stone replica, let’s see if they notice.



The flash must have been some magic that changed the bomb to stone.



twow: Oh, go lick my ass, story. Really?

Steel: Celestia was so proud of that bomb, she made a statue in its shape. The real bomb was stowed away in the castle, 30 seconds from going off.

SC276: That would have to be the flashiest fucking magic ever to have that lengthy a fucking blinding whiteout. Considering there was a nuclear weapon about to go off, why did she bother with the theatrics?



Gone was the metal shell, the layers of cesium and protactinium,



Steel: I recognize one of those two elements.

Waterpear: Half of the shell is radioactive and the other half reacts violently with water. Lovely engineering, there.

Neo: It also reacts poorly to logic and facts.



in place of the detonation control system was simple granite in the shape of that device.



NaturalGlitch: We. Get. It. The Sheltering Sky moved quicker than this fanfic.

SC276: I could’ve snail-mailed myself to Japan by now.



The entire weapon was granite now, nothing but common stone, all the way through.



Fallen Prime: You’d think the uberweapon would have protection against that. In fact, how much do you want to bet that it DID have that protection in the original story?

Waterpear: To be fair, you can’t really have protection against uber magic. It’s like trying to beat Calvin at Calvinball.

SC276: Which… actually happened at one point...

twow: WHY DID IT HAVE TO WAIT TEN MINUTES. WHY DID EVERYONE ELSE GET TURNED BEFORE IT WENT OFF.

Steel: Because if it didn’t have a timer, then nobody would be around to switch it off. At least with the ponification, maybe everybody’d forget how it worked, and then... well, boom. It’s a suicide mission! Just the way it should be.

Sigma: I guess he took that detonator for granite.

Darth: Zing!



He could tell because it had cracked in the middle, and he could see down the crack into the stone heart of it.



Steel: A heart of ice, that needed true love to be melted...

MrSing: Only true love can destroy the world now.



Suddenly he realized the true horror of what he was looking at;



NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “A mirror!”

MrSing: A perfect stone replica of this story.



Celestia must have converted the weapon just after it had already detonated;



Fallen Prime: Which would still be way too fucking late.

Steel: Shall I quote the ‘millionth of a second for the concrete to be vaporized’?

Neo: So either Celestia has the best reflexes known to the universe or, Chatoyance is being Chatoyance and Chatoyance-ing all over this story with bullshit.

Sigma: Chatoyance is just inconsistent as hell. Or full of shit. Wait, what do I mean by ‘or?’

Neo: Despite what most people think the two are not mutually exclusive.

SC276: Are you kidding me. Are you trying to tell me that Celestia managed to polymorph a nuclear bomb a split of a split of a split second after its detonated?



she had acted in a space of time so small that it could not be perceived,



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “I got the timing down when I had to get my eyes examined.”

Simon: So the world around her moves so slow that her interactions with other ponies must feel like Ents trying to talk to Speedy Gonzalez on crack.



a space of time on the level of millionths, perhaps billionths, of a second.



Fallen Prime: No.

twow: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

Steel: Say it with me, everybody! “MARY SUE~, MARY SUE~! WHERE WOULD AUTHORS BE, WITHOUT YOU? WHAT COULD WE, REALLY DO, WITHOUT YOU, MARY SUUUUUUUE~!”

Neo;M-M-M-M-ARY! M-M-M-M-DROP THE BASS! IT’S A REMIXXXXX!

Cola: BWOMMMMMP BWOMMMMMMMMMMMMP!

Waterpear: [MLG AIRHORN]

Sigma: Yeah, you’re banned.



She was not flesh. She could not be a biological creature to do that.



NaturalGlitch: Did...did this writer ever actually watch the show?

RingmasterJ5: Oh god, Glitch, the last thing I needed were Mykan flashbacks.

NaturalGlitch: (claws at own eyes) AUGH!

MrSing: She must have been a perfect stone replica to do that!

SC276: He never considers that she could be biological and just got lucky as all fuck?



She must truly be... a goddess.



Fallen Prime: Or you must truly be... giving her whatever powers the plot needs her to have.

Waterpear: Non-biological creatures are automatically gods. Makes sense. That’s totally not a logical fallacy or anything.

twow: Guys, my eyes are rolling around from how hard I’m laughing. Send help. Please.

Steel: You know, now I wish the bomb had gone off, because Celestia would be all that’s left. Now there’s a tragedy truly befitting an ending to a story like this!

Neo: She must truly be...a Mary Sue Plot Device conceived by a misanthrope author to further elevate the pony race over her own.

Cola: She must truly have jammed the real device up her powered plot.

NaturalGlitch: But...she’s not! I know that’s not a riff at all, but I don’t know how to say it any other way.

Simon: Well, Zeus was a God and, for what I remember, he was quite… biological, with all that sex he had with everything that wasn’t his sister/wife.



Michael turned, and examined his wounds. They were terrible;



NaturalGlitch: Terrible at being wounds or they’re really good at being terrible for being bad—(nose starts to bleed)



he should be dead by now.



SC276: As should this story.



He was not bleeding, and they did not hurt.



Steel: “You readers get it, right? He’s not hurting anymore. He’s not hurting anymore. Please, please tell me you understand— no, Billy, get your head out of the toilet, that’s not drinking water!”

Neo: Wait...so what you’re saying is...it doesn’t hurt?

Waterpear: Those really are some terrible wounds.

MrSing: I’m starting to think that he only got a papercut.

SC276: It’s more like his 3D model swapped textures.



The only thing that could have saved his dying flesh would have been ponification;



Sigma: Well, depending on your idea of saving, sticking it in baggies to be fried and eaten IS saving them.



but he was not changing.



Fallen Prime: Don’t go changing to try and please her. You’ve never let her down before.

Steel: Believe in yourself, Michael! Believe in the true you!

Simon: Wasn’t he not changing because Celestia’s willpower was preventing him from it?

SC276: We’ve been over this, author...



Finally he faced his enemy, Celestia. “Why? Why are you keeping me alive, BITCH?”



twow: Because she gets off on your distress.

Sigma: Get away from my memories of Aliens, you BITCH!



Michael’s hands clenched into fists, his face a mask of hatred and fear.



Steel: A mask would imply he’s hiding something else under all that hate.

Waterpear: He’s hiding the fact that he’s a one-dimensional character. Not very well, but A for effort.



Celestia simply looked at him, her face nothing but compassion now, endless compassion,



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “Hugs? Come on; they’re free!”

MrSing: She had no eyes anymore. Only compassion.



and this angered Michael even more.



Fallen Prime: “THIS CUNT’S BEING NICE TO ME!”

Neo: “THAT WHORE! HOW DARE SHE DO A COMPLETE CHARACTER 180 FROM HATING MY GUTS!”

Steel: “YOU TOOK AWAY MY BOMB, AND NOW YOU’RE TAKING AWAY MY REASON TO BE ANGRY! IS THERE NO LIMIT TO YOUR BITCHINESS!?”

Axel Nyan: Wasn’t she “Gonna fry your ass up and serve you to the roaches” furious moments ago? I coulda sworn she was.

Sigma: Again: Do you expect consistency from Chatoyance?



“I swallowed that grape shit!



NaturalGlitch: Yeah, this guy sure seems like a winner.

MrSing: “It was delicious!”



Why aren’t I a pony now?



Cola: If I had a nickel for every time some kid said that in my grandfather’s basement...well, I’d probably have been able to pay his legal fees when those charges were filed.



You said I was suspended or something? Why? Why are you doing this?” Michael was confused;



Steel: “Why am I asking so many questions in a single line of dialogue!? Make it stop? Please, make it stop?”

Neo: Also I’d like to establish how many times the author has referenced that the potion is in fact grape flavored.

Fallen Prime: He wouldn’t be bitching if it was bacon-flavored.

Neo: Well Cherry apparently turns you into a mare (this is TCB canon) so maybe Bacon turns you into a pig? Oh wait, THAT’S NOT A PONY SO IT’S WORTHLESS!



nothing made sense anymore.



Steel: Twow. 1 + 1 no longer = 2. It’s 5 now.

Neo: That would imply things made sense to begin with Mikey Boy.

Cola: Finally, four words that will resonate with the reader!

SC276: “There are four lights!”



It wasn’t supposed to be like this!



Steel: “I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO HELL BY NOW!”



Celestia was the enemy,



NaturalGlitch: Is that the name of her cover band?

Fallen Prime: Their first single is “Luna Is the Centerfold.”



and she should be dead.



Neo: “That fact that she turned out to be a god really put a damper on that though.”

Steel: “Maybe if I stare hard enough, her head will explode.”



He should be dead.



MrSing: Buddy, we all wish everyone in this fic was dead.



Why was she even bothering with him? He was just one human among many in this last stand!



Fallen Prime: Even though you... established he was the last?

twow: Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s the last.

Steel: It’s a message.

Sigma: Wait, so, have they already killed (not including conversion here) lots of humans or not?

Cola: Why was she letting him stand here and talk to himself? Why was he talking to himself? Why did birds suddenly appear every time she drew near? Why was the sky blue? Why did frogs jump? Why did Chatoyance publish this instead of keeping it to herself in the name of good taste?

RingmasterJ5: Because she took the first excuse she could (see: writing prompt) that would make writing it be 0.0000000000001% acceptable then ran with it. Into a giant soapbox.

SC276: Why hasn’t the narrative fucking moved on already?!



“I already explained, little one.



Steel: “You were supposed to put your toys away five minutes ago.”



I do not wish you to suffer any resentment or feel any shame for your own actions.”



NaturalGlitch: “So...who wants to be in a cuddle-puddle?”

MrSing: “That’s why I caused the death of billions, because I really care.”

Cola: Ew, a literal cuddle-puddle. All the chunks and liquids, egh.

SC276: This is reminding me of Friendship is Optimal.



Celestia’s voice was calm, her eyes kind.



Steel: Even though her words are childish, coddling and outright disrespectful.

Sigma: And earlier the fic described her gaze as angry.

MrSing: It was a calm and friendly anger.

Cola: ‘A Calm And Friendly Anger’ was -- uh, never mind.



“Shame? SHAME?” Michael was beyond anger now.



Steel: He’d entered a whole new realm of anger now. It was called ‘MAD’.

Neo: He is nettled. Super Nettled.

Sigma: “What you have done is bad, and wrong! No, worse! Badong! And I am not that! I am the opposite of badong! Gnodab!”

RJ: But are we beyond Thunderdome?



“There is NOTHING I have to feel SHAME about!



MrSing: “Except that one time I got really drunk at daycare, but we don’t talk about that.”

Dark Angel: [Michael] “And also a few minutes ago when I kissed a pony. I don’t want to be known for beastiality.”



You fucking monsters;



NaturalGlitch: “You with your adorability and cute eyes—OH GOD MY HEART STOPPED!”



I killed my share of you but it was never enough! If I have any shame, it is because I DIDN’T MANAGE TO KILL MORE OF YOU!”



Fallen Prime: Did you forget about the emotions he went through with his wife there? Did you even remember his wife was there?

Steel: Again, this is Chatoyance. All humans are evil, all ponies are good.

Sigma: Zardoz speaks!



Celestia had a sad look on her muzzle. “You killed nopony.



Steel: “Though you did mess up a lot of the hospital staff during your drug trip. Remind me to keep you out of my stash.”

SC276: Impressive how Celestia managed to turn a nuclear bomb to stone while she was fucking blind to all the bodies everywhere.



Not forever. And no human either.



NaturalGlitch: “In fact, you’re actually in the death throes of a car accident. You’re dying.”

Simon: That was actually the Bad ending in the first Silent Hill. It was weird.

Cola: This guy only wishes.



There is nothing for you to feel sad about. Let me show you.”

From behind Celestia came a myriad of faces, some human,



Fallen Prime: So was the opening just bullshit?

twow: Guys, who’s the good guys again? I don’t think I know anymore.

Steel: The only good guy is Celestia. All else is irrelevant. Even story coherence.

Cola: ...but all of them disembodied, floating, and twisted with insanity and strife. “Michael, you are the last human, and we shall keep you as an example of your lost kind. Suffer the eternal torment!”



most Equestrian. The humans and ponies walked forward and stopped just behind the solar goddess;



NaturalGlitch: Was she behind Celestia?

Fallen Prime: I could have sworn Ra was a dude. Or has he transitioned after millennia of coping with gender dysphoria?



most were unknown to him, but some he recognized; that bastard doctor that ran that Conversion Bureau, the one that cried like a pussy when he slit his throat.



NaturalGlitch: I thought all you could do was make gagging noises when your throat was slit...but I’m not sure how to find out for sure.



The physician’s assistant, what’s her name, that he put a bullet in.



RJ: “What’s her name.” Slightly above “Who’s her face,” but below “ummm, yeah, her.”



Damned race traitors.



RingmasterJ5: The original author must have just loved seeing Chat turn his character into… this.

Fallen Prime: Wait.

twow: GUYS, WERE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS IN THE FIRST PLACE WHO DO I ROOT FOR HELP.

Steel: Root for Celestia, for she is always right. PRAISE THE SUN. PRAISE IT! Also help me.

Neo: I’ll go out on a limb and say this isn’t how the original character acted.

Sigma: “Race traitors?” What is he, a pureblood in Harry Potter?

Cola: It’s slightly worse than being a race cheater, like Rainbow Dash.



That blue unicorn he helped vivisect to get information; the fucker cried like a baby the whole time, and in the end didn’t know anything useful.



NaturalGlitch: ...and the Fluttershy rip-off wants this guy?

Cola: To be fair, you have no idea how hard that guy railed her. Seriously, it was like he was possessed.



By the end Michael had been forced to hear the monster’s entire life story,



MrSing: Every. Single. Individual. Day.

Simon: So it was like playing Assassin’s Creed, then?



none of it useful. Most boring interrogation he’d ever had to suffer through.



Fallen Prime: This is...

Steel: Witness the true purpose of the Conversion Bureau, as a story.

Waterpear: Vivisection and interrogation are not really two things you can do at once.

Neo: What you’ve never Vivigated somebody?

Waterpear: Now that you mention it, I might have engaged in a session or two of interrosection.

Sigma: Why does he keep talking disgustedly and surprised when he mentions that people didn’t like being fucking killed?



The others must have been the ponies he had shot or stabbed or otherwise terminated over the last year.



NaturalGlitch: “Wait, was that the mare he slapped—right on the ears? Or, was it the one he flicked the nose of?”

MrSing: And that one pony he had fired from that one job.



How could they even be here? How would Celestia even know any of these traitors, why would she even bother to show them to him? None of this made any sense.



Fallen Prime: Oh, fuck, guys, we have zombies.

Waterpear: That’s pretty much exactly what “Ten Minutes” is supposed to be. You are currently reading a story where the zombies are the good guys.

Steel: That’s kind of frightening, actually. In what universe could zombies be good guys?

Cola: “These are the souls that shall rend your flesh from here to eternity, little one. Feel no resentment. Soon, your mind shall be gone, and you shall feel nothing at all, ever again.”



“So? What is this, some kind of illusion? Your witchcraft doesn’t scare me, you four-legged fuck!”



SC276: So, what, Celestia has the Resurrection Stone or something?

NaturalGlitch: I think I almost cut myself from all that edge.

Simon: She’s just showing off her Goddess powers at this point, really.



It had to be some kind of spell. They couldn’t be here; if nothing else they were dead. He knew the one’s he remembered were dead.



Fallen Prime: This is... pretty fucked up. You’re blatantly retconning people back to life.

twow: Dude, it’s like Dragon Ball Z. Shenron’s gonna have a field day.

Steel: Field day? He’s only supposed to commit one wish a year, this is like 50 in the space of ten minutes!



“There is some illusion to what you see; let me correct that.” Celestia’s horn glowed briefly;



NaturalGlitch: Her horn also doubles as a nightlight.

Simon: A permanent glowstick; she will be Vinyl’s favorite rave buddy.

Cola: Celestia’s club name is Setting Sun. These ponies’ club names suck.



the humans in the group shifted, wavered like candles in a breeze, in their place were now ponies.



Steel: “And for my next trick, I’m going to make humanity disappear! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Neo: “Tch, all Smoke and Mirrors.”

Sigma: What’re you, Mr. Satan?

Neo: No…(He must never know.)

Cola: “Now, watch the Statue of Friendship as I lift this curtain…”



“I wanted you to see all of your victims, and know who they were. The humans were ponified before they died, and so they joined the herd,



Fallen Prime: I do not think that means what you think it means.

twow: For all intents and purposes, they’re still dead. Unless they actually did come back to life due to being turned and now my head hurts.

Steel: Celestia is the one true god!



and thus they are here, now. You did not see their transformations, so I allowed you to see their previous forms.”

Michael wasn’t following entirely; why was Celestia picking on him, specifically? Why him?



Fallen Prime: Because plot.

Steel: Because this story needed to be turned to the right path and HELP ME GOD I WANNA BE FUNNY!

Simon: Or because he’s the only human left; there’s not many more things to do.

SC276: Can’t this bitch get to the goddamn point already? I got things to do this decade.



“Michael?” A deep brown pegasus stepped slightly forward;



Steel: He was originally colored blue.

Cola: Yeah, but now he’s spent too long in this shitty story.



the creature had just a moment ago been the Conversion Bureau doctor that he had killed. Or thought he had killed;



NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “Curse my arms made of rubber! I can’t hit anything!”



he had moved on, right after slitting the bastard’s throat, maybe there had been time for someone to slip the traitor some potion before he bled out. Michael hadn’t stayed to find out.



Fallen Prime: He wasn’t this cold in the original, was he? Chat’s just making him look like a cock because ew human?

twow: Maybe because ew character.

Steel: Should riff that story next to find out how badly this story ruined his character.



“Michael, I want to tell you something.”



MrSing: You’re adopted.

Cola: You’ve been exposed to the herpes simplex one virus. Since we’ve had sexual intercourse, I have to call you and notify you of this fact.



The pegasus who used to be a doctor seemed calm and slightly worried, a strange tone for someone facing his killer. “I forgive you. I really do.



NaturalGlitch: “I had a kernel stuck in my throat and you got it out. Thanks!”

Cola: I like how the author doesn’t give the audience the chance to decide something is strange. She just plows in and tells us.



I’ve never been happier.



MrSing: All that blood was keeping me down.



Because of you, I was turned into a pony that very day, and my life has been wonderful ever since.



NaturalGlitch: “Now I can do the prancy-dancy all day long! WHOO!”

SC276: “Having no fingers is a blast!”



So, it’s OK. I forgive you.”



Fallen Prime: ...have you ever spoken to another living person before?

Waterpear: “The day I died was the best day of my life!” ~ literally what this guy just said

Neo: Also, OK instead of Okay.

Steel: Gotta love the message this story is laying down.

Kanzlerin: “Love thy killer.”

Waterpear: Forgive us our murders the same way we forgive those who murder us.

Sigma: Do unto others as they’ve done to you?

Cola: It is so, so not okay. It is never going to be okay again at this rate.



There seemed to be tiny tears in the pegasus’s eyes.



MrSing: Michael wasn’t kidding when he said this guy cries like a pussy.



He seemed genuinely concerned.



Steel: “Help me... she has a gun...”



“Wait, are you dead or what?” Michael was getting more confused with every second.



Steel: He was never confused before now, never!

Cola: If he was, Chat would have told us, with excruciating modifiers. “He was dizzily, strangely, surprisingly, adversarially confused!”

SC276: Michael hurt itself in its confusion!



Yet something here was nagging at him. There was something he had heard once.

“Oh, I’m not dead, Michael! I’m very much alive!



SC276: Aaaaaaand there goes the plot.

NaturalGlitch: “Sure, I have this craving for raw liver and spleen, but other than that...”



I live in Trottingham now, in Equestria. I have a wife and two wonderful colts.



NaturalGlitch: “I’m not sure how I managed to get guns over here, but I’m not complaining. Now, how to use them without fingers...”



I’m just here at Celestia’s request to help you. No, don’t fret, I’m perfectly fine!” The doctor / pegasus gave Michael a big smile.



Neo: “NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, LARRY!”

twow: ...Guys. Celestia can bring dead humans back to life with the power of ponies. AND ONLY BY TURNING THEM INTO PONIES.

Steel: And thus, Celestia became God.

Neo: So...can she revive ponies by turning them into other ponies?

Steel: Ponies are born, live, then are reborn as other ponies. That’s one hell of a spiralling circle of life... but what about abortions? Are they just born into other ponies? And what if everyone who can be alive is alive right then? Is everybody just infertile until someone drops dead?

Simon: Dude, you made abortions feel like a reset button. “Ah, I wanted to be a unicorn this time! Kill me, we’ll try again!”



“I’m alive and fine too!”



Neo: You and Larry must have a lot in common.

Cola: I was feeling fine before I started reading this. I miss it.



It was an earth pony, light gray with a bright green mane.



MrSing: Sometimes dead is better.



She had been the physician’s assistant just a moment ago.



NaturalGlitch: I bet Mike wishes the bomb went off in his brain right about now.

SC276: Just Mike?



“And I’m happy now too! Really happy!



MrSing: Did you know that horses naturally secrete opiates inside their brains?



I’m married to a mare, just a wonderful filly,



NaturalGlitch: “She’s 14.”

RingmasterJ5: Hey, doesn’t stop the people making Splatoon R34. (retches violently)

Cola: “Well, she’s 14 as a pony. She was 7 before the ponies took her! Major upgrade, lemme tell you.”

SC276: Wait, the assistant was a girl, and she married a mare? Good to know the massive oppressive alien assimilation has gay rights down.



and we’ve adopted a little foal and... well, listen. I forgive you, Michael. I totally, totally forgive you.”



Fallen Prime: No, I’m really asking. Because this is a bullshit reason to forgive someone for (attempted?) murder.

twow: HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING.

Steel: CELESTIA’S PLAYIN’ WITH THEIR BRAIIIIIINSSSSS.

RingmasterJ5: Actually read that as “Chatoyance” for a second, but to be honest in this story they’re basically interchangeable.

MrSing: “Like, dude, I totes forgive you.”



She grinned at him. That unnerved Michael quite a lot.



Steel: I feel that, brother.

Cola: ...as her flesh continued to peel right off her skull.



“What is this? What is going on?” Michael turned to Lisa, or rather Sky Shimmer,



Fallen Prime: Oh, NOW you acknowledge her? Now that she’s convenient to acknowledge?

Steel: Characters are only acknowledged when important to the story. So pretty much flying entirely in the face of Episode 100.



“Do you understand any of this? What is happening here? Tell me Lisa! Please!”



SC276: “Because God knows Celestia can’t give a straight fucking answer.”

NaturalGlitch: “I did not hit her! I did naaaaawt. Oh hi Mark.”

Neo: “So how is your sex life?”



Michael was frightened now, the last of his bravado and anger failing him.



Steel: And now we fall into telling.

Kanzlerin: The author told us how the characters feel! That makes me feel… sad.



“I’m sorry if you are upset, Michael. But I really think you should listen to what the others have to say. And... I’m Sky Shimmer now.



NaturalGlitch: “My special talent is crashing and burning, and not always in that order.”

MrSing: Lisa was my slave name.



But... I still love you.”



Fallen Prime: Not like the kiss they shared meant that. Did the author even re-read the segment she pasted in before writing this, or did she decide continuity wasn’t important?

twow: I don’t think emotion is her strong suit.

Neo: I don’t think humanity is her strong suit.

Steel: I don’t think writing is her strong suit.

Kanzlerin: I don’t think thinking is her strong suit.

Sigma: Chatoyance can *begins drooling and then recites a Nazi-esque anti-human manifesto* and that’s it.

Neo: Hmmm...sounds about right.

Cola: That was the rapey here’s-your-dose kiss, earlier. Obviously!



The pale yellow pony gently smiled at Michael, and this made him back away, slowly.



Steel: “AH NEVAH SHOULDA EATEN DEM MUSHROOMS!”

Sigma: Fuck you, I can eat all the mushrooms I want!

MrSing: “Oh no, I’m too high. The horses started talking.”



“I forgive you too.” It was a pony in the crowd, the huge crowd, behind Celestia.



NaturalGlitch: [random pony standing behind Celestia] “Hey, guys, I can see the crack of dawn! HAHAHAHAHA! ...why isn’t anypony laughing?”



Michael whipped around to face it, it was purple and gold.



NaturalGlitch: “They call me Ram Rod—want to see why, big boy?”

MrSing: And if there was any mercy in the universe, they were also colorblind.

SC276: Silver and Gold, author. Get your freakin’ songs straight.



Michael had no idea who or what it was.



Fallen Prime: Probably not an “it,” for starters.

Steel: Gender no longer matters! COMMENCE THE MASS FORGIVENESS!

Sigma: Purple and gold? Oh my god, he killed an LA Laker!



“You don’t remember me, do you?” The pony seemed slightly sad at this. “I was walking home with my best friend after going to the market for more hay and some oranges.



NaturalGlitch: “I was going to use the hay as a mane to put it on the orange; it’s literally making friends!”



You and your friends shot us as you drove past.



MrSing: Good times.



You took my head off right here, remember?”



twow: He took your head off with a bullet? Was he using a fucking high-powered sniper rifle?

RingmasterJ5: Maybe he was using one of Fallen’s rusty sawblade guns.

Waterpear: It was a hypergun. It’s just like a regular gun, except it lets you 360noscope entire continents.

Neo: Haven’t you seen? They made a gun capable of shooting rusty saw blades.

Fallen Prime: “They?” I thought I patented that!

Neo: It was ‘Based off of’ your original design in a similar fashion to how this story was based off of Ten Minutes. The gun shoots peeled oranges is what I’m getting at.

Steel: It hasn’t really taken with any major militant organizations, but Marketing is working on it.

Neo: Some nut job named Cave Johnson made it. He said a version that used combustable lemons was in development. We’re eagerly awaiting final testing.

Fallen Prime: Cunting Aperture...



The pony gestured with a hoof.



Cola: It was torn from another pony, and after the gesturing, the pony threw the other hoof away.

twow: Serious question. Was Michael really this much of a bastard? I really want to know.

Neo: I’m going to say...no.

Steel: Only one way to find out.



Seeing that Michael had no idea whatsoever, the purple creature’s ears sank. “You killed me very quickly. I didn’t suffer very long.



NaturalGlitch: “I got better.”

Cola: “‘Tis but a scratch!”



About thirty seconds or so. It wasn’t as bad as you might think, I was mostly just in shock.



MrSing: But it felt like TEN MINUTES!



Anyway, I forgive you.



Kanzlerin: “You brutally murdered me in cold blood. I forgive you instantly.”

Steel: Guuuuh, is anyone else getting kinda sick of MLP now?

SC276: No, MLP would’ve finished the episode two hours ago.

Sigma: I’m just sick in general, but that’s due to a throat infection.



I wish I could have gotten to go to Equestria, but I’ll get to go there next Generation,



Fallen Prime: “Or, god willing, G4.5.”

twow: “When you die, you can be my best friend. Forever.”

Steel: “And ever and ever and EVER...”

Sigma: MLP:FiM GX: The Tale of Background Ponies.

Neo: MLP:FIM:GX:GT:The Next Generation of Not Giving Even a Single Fuck About This Misanthropic Bullshit.

MrSing: You’ll go there Deep Space Nine, and you’ll goddamn like it too.

Cola: NT:E:SUV::?

Dark Angel: So wait...does this mean that that pony is actually dead?



so I guess it will work out in the end. In the meantime, I have a wonderful... existence... here.



NaturalGlitch: He seems so sincere. ...why is this here again?



Anyway, I forgive you.”



Kanzlerin: ...Did a needle skip, or something?

Steel: Now that’d be a mind fuck, wouldn’t it? This is all being played on a brainwashing video!

Cola: Isn’t this story a brainwashing attempt?

Simon: Can’t we just skip through all the forgiveness to the part where the human becomes a pony, or dies, or whatever? I don’t care anymore.



“I’m in hell. That’s what this must be. I’m... in hell.” Michael’s voice was very soft now, and his eyes were wide with quiet horror.



NaturalGlitch: There’s an old video store, but the only movie available is Birdemic.

RingmasterJ5: But it’s permanently rented out and all you can get is the sequel that actually TRIED to be bad and just ended up dull.



“No, Michael, you were in hell. You were in the hell that was human life, the hell that was Earth.



Waterpear: And now you’re in the hell that is “Ten Minutes: Aftermath.”

Fallen Prime: “It was remarkably difficult to find a princess-sized soapbox, so I hope you appreciate my speech.”

Cola: If a goddess cannot make a soapbox sufficiently stable to support her goddessy frame, then why do we call her goddess?

Dark Angel: Actually, she did make one that could support her frame. The problem is that the said goddess has a weakness for chocolate cake.

RingmasterJ5: “The Hell That Was Human Life” sounds more like an emo album than something that should ever come out of the mouth of a cartoon pony.

Neo: And yet here we stand.

Steel: And here we read. I think we all feel less human for it. ...I didn’t actually mean to make that joke, OH GOD THEY’RE CONVERTING ME!



You are far, far from that which you call hell now.”



NaturalGlitch: But...isn’t their version of “hell” Tartarus? Isn’t the show steeped deep in Greek mythology? How would—(ears are now bleeding).

SC276: Actually, sister, I’m pretty sure I’m really damn close.



Celestia stood close to him now, he hadn’t noticed her approach.



Steel: You know that line about elephants and walking quietly. Hoho!

SC276: Are her hoofprints in the butter?

Fallen Prime: She’s apparently Horse Jesus. I’m sure she’s Mary Sue’d the art of flash-stepping.



But then, he was preoccupied with the horror he was feeling.



Cola: Boy, just think about all those times you get preoccupied with horror. I know I sure get distracted by my preoccupation with horror a lot! Sometimes I’m making coffee or writing up a report and then I remember that Cthulhu sits in the waters deep, waiting until the last child is ready and the morsels of flesh are roasted, and by gum, I realize I was getting all preoccupied!



“Why... why don’t you just kill me?



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “So...no hugs or kisses? None? Aww...”

Cola: I think we’re all asking that question at this point.



Why do this to me? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand.”



Fallen Prime: At this point, no one understands. The narrative’s too muddled.

Neo: The author doesn’t even understand, she’s actually asking us right now.

Steel: I just didn’t understand right from the start.

Sigma: I still don’t understand. I was looking for the toilet. Think that I might’ve found it anyway.

Cola: “It’s because you’re a bad rendition of a two-dimensional character another author created. Also, you’re dumb as a post.”



Michael crouched down on the balls of his feet,



NaturalGlitch: I’m so glad it said feet.



and began to rock gently,



MrSing: “~School’s out, for the summer.~”

SC276: “School’s been blown to pieces, just like I wish the planet was right now.”



supporting himself with his arms. He had been a warrior, a fighter.



MrSing: And a professional Luchador on the side.



He had faced his enemy and he had done what he had to.



NaturalGlitch: Star in fanfics that run around in circles and make little sense?



He had seen terrible, terrible things. But this... this was the worst thing he had ever experienced.



Steel: Honestly? Yeah, this is pretty horrifying! This is absolutely horrifying!



“They all forgive you, Michael. That’s why they are here. To help you. They want you to be free of guilt, to know that it’s OK. They just want you to be happy, Michael.”



Fallen Prime: “Even though you murdered them gorily. I think some brain damage may have carried over in the conversion process.”

Neo: Again, OK instead of Okay.

Steel: If I might speak a bit on this... why is it that ponydom in the show shows all the caveats of human emotion, such as anger, panic, happiness, sadness and overreaction... yet in this story, they only seem to know glee and contentment? Even in the face of being killed? A race of beings that only recognize happiness, even in the face of death. That’s... that’s fucked up, man.

Neo: Better than humans, ladies and gentlemen.

Sigma: Seriously, if she wants him to be happy why is she activating fucking PTSD?

Cola: “They want you to be happy. Happy snorting cocaine 24/7.”



Celestia’s long face



NaturalGlitch: Hey! She’s sensitive about that.

Sven: It all started with a simple trip to the bar...



was close to his head, he could feel her breath.



Cola: Then he could smell her breath, and realized that her last meal was most pleasantly described as “fudge from around the corner”. Ewwww.



“I don’t understand... I just don’t...” Finally, the tiny memory nagging at him surfaced.



NaturalGlitch: “He was experiencing so much horror he needed to change his undies.”



The dream. The Conversion Dream.



twow: Oh, don’t you fucking DARE, story.

Neo: Oh it dares.

Steel: It dared, dares, and will continue to dare.

Neo: It’s almost to the point of Triple Dog Daring.

Sigma: The dream is real. Unfortunately.

Fallen Prime: THE NIGHTMARE BECOMES REALITY.

MrSing: Martin Luther King is spinning in his grave right now.

SC276: I had a dream that all chickens would be free to cross roads and no one will ask why!



Switch had told him about it. Tank too.



Cola: Wait, shit, is this the Matrix now? Switch? Tank? CYPHER? NEO?! *whimpers*

MrSing: Don’t forget his bestest buddies, Car and Lamp.

Cola: Awww! I love Lamp. *choked with emotion* I love Lamp.



They had heard that when humans were Converted, they almost always had dreams. Conversion Dreams.



NaturalGlitch: Tell, then tell some more; that’s how you story!



They would meet Celestia in them, run with a vast herd, see all kinds of things.



MrSing: The potion is actually 20% morphine. Grape flavoured morphine.

Cola: Which would qualify as date grape.



The taste of artificial grape was still in his mouth.



NaturalGlitch: “Made with natural ingredients my hoof. Wait—hoof?! OH NO!”



Lisa had given him potion, he’d swallowed the whole thing, he couldn't help himself.



NaturalGlitch: So—many—jokes—filling up—brain!



Besides, it didn’t matter, the bomb was just about to...



Fallen Prime: Tap-dance the macarena.

Steel: It would take Broadway by nuclear storm!

Kanzlerin: The reviews are practically glowing!

Dark Angel: It was radiating talent.



This must be his Conversion Dream. It was the only explanation. That was why all the ghost ponies were here, why Celestia was taking such an interest in him, specifically.



NaturalGlitch: “Or maybe it was that Axe Body spray he put on.”



Oh, god, that meant that the bomb hadn’t detonated,



SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!



and any moment he would wake up, changed. He would be like all the others hit by potion -



MrSing: The potion is a metaphor for marriage. Grape flavoured marriage.

Cola: Anal grape flavored marriage.



he wouldn’t be himself anymore.



NaturalGlitch: And about now, he realizes that’s not such a bad thing.



He’d be one of those smiling robots.



Fallen Prime: I mean, considering their behavior so far, I actually think he’s got an appropriate descriptor.

Steel: Did Chatoyance just take a crack at her own story?

Waterpear: It’s like she tried to make fun of her detractors but ended up making a sick burn on herself.

Neo: That’s hilarious in a really sad way.

SC276: The ultimate schadenfreude.



“Just do it.” Michael was sobbing now. “Just finish it, Celestia. I’m ready to be a pony now. Just make it stop. I can’t stand this.



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “But you’re sitting.”

SC276: We’re not doing so hot ourselves.



You’ve had your revenge. Just end it. I know this is a dream. I know this isn’t real. Just end it, finish it.”



twow: At least he’ll be happy soon?

Neo: Question mark?

Steel: There is no happiness here. For he will soon be part of more fanfiction... of OC x Canon fics, where he’ll be forced to bang everyone in Ponyville. Just like everybody else...

NaturalGlitch: Wait, I thought dreams were Luna’s department.



“This is real, Michael.” Celestia raised her head;



Steel: “This isn’t just f—” NO.

Sigma: “This isn’t a dream, it’s real. There’s just no sense or basis of being in reality or sensibility.”

Cola: “The author really wrote these words and really felt these things. Believe it or not, it’s all fucking real, and you are really a character at her mercy. Weep.”



Michael stared up at her, he couldn’t help it after such a statement. “This is perfectly real.



Steel: “According to me.”



There are many kinds of real, little one.



NaturalGlitch: “Like how I’m actually really good at bowling, and my sister doesn’t totally own me at the rink. Yep.”

MrSing: Keep it real, little one.

SC276: It’s real from a certain point of view.



The magic of Equestria is deep and profound.



Steel: “I regularly make it my bitch.”

Neo: “I use it make things bright on command...with THE SUN!”



Where we are now is just as real as any other place, it is just a different real, a different place.



NaturalGlitch: “Kind of like a coma.”

MrSing: An artificial kind of real.

Simon: I brought you to the real according to someone’s headcanon.

SC276: I think I read about something like this in Alice in Wonderland and Philosophy, except that was actually thought-provoking to read and not making me want to hurt somebody.

RJ: Oooh, she has the newest Oculus Rift!



These ponies are real, and their forgiveness is real. All you have to do is accept it.”



Fallen Prime: “All sales final. No refunds.”

Neo: “...Hmm...NO DEAL!”

Steel: And then they were playing Deal Or No Deal!

SC276: “Choose three more cases.”

Sigma: Wow, the Jehovah’s Witness thing suddenly seems too accurate.

Neo: I told you you couldn’t escape them.



Michael’s mind spun; what bullshit was this? “What the fuck are you talking about?”



NaturalGlitch: Seriously now.

Simon: Pfff this feels like one of those overstretched endings of a JRPG.

SC276: I’d rather play an overstretched JRPG than read this.



Some of his anger had returned now.



Steel: Someone get me off this crazy emotional roller coaster!

Kanzlerin: “I want to get off Mrs. Chat’s Wild Ride!”

SC276: Stop the fanfic, I’d like to get off.

Cola: My anger is building, as is my sadness and confusion.



“What kind of shit is this?”



SC276: That’s what we want to know!

Steel: “Yours. During your panic attack, you, uh... had an accident.”

Cola: “Well, it still smells better than your breath, horseface.”



“In your world, there is no magic.”



MrSing: If there is no magic, then explain how the Red Sox won the Word Series.

SC276: With Excel?

Simon: But… but… Santa...



Celestia sounded as if she were teaching a kindergarten class.



SC276: Don’t be ridiculous, story, kindergarten classes are actually interesting.

Locklen: Any technology that is sufficiently advanced is indecipherable from magic.

Steel: More points that Celestia is God.



“To you, to a human, a dream is just a dream. But in a world with magic, dreams are more;



NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “Like the kind where you go to a play naked and forget your lines?”

Simon: That was a shitty debut in the porn industry. Never got called back.



they are another type of real,



MrSing: Like the voices in my head.



at least some dreams, and you are in just such a real dream now, and here is just as real as the world you think you know.”



Kanzlerin: “Is this the real life~?”

Cola: Is this just fantasy?

RingmasterJ5: Caught in a bad fic…

Cola: ...no escape from banality.



Michael had heard enough. “Just tell me what you want me to do to end this.” He meant it. Anything.



NaturalGlitch: Well, first you hit the backspace key. Then, you don’t stop.

RJ: After that, open up the command prompt and type format c:/ and hit enter.

RingmasterJ5: Then, just to be safe, take your computer and toss it out the nearest second-story window.

SC276: Make it third, just to be safe.

Cola: Not enough. The author would still have the ending in their memory. Follow the computer out the window! It’s the only way to be sure.



Just let it be done.



Fallen Prime: And yet there’s still more story.

Steel: No matter how badly we wanted it to end.

Dark Angel: The Neverending Story ended before this.



“Hear that they forgive you. Accept that. Forgive yourself for your actions as a human. You could not help what you did. No human can.



NaturalGlitch: “It’s like a sneeze or an appetite for genocide.”

MrSing: I forgive myself for eating those three tubs of ice cream. I’m only human after all.



You were as much a victim of your humanity as those behind me.” Celestia’s horn glowed,



Fallen Prime: and she reinforced the soapbox to make sure it would continue supporting her weight. Then she left to check on her straw man.

Neo: She made it with Juniper, strong ass wood right there.

Steel: Redwood just didn’t cut it before.

MrSing: “Except for Larry, fuck that guy.”

Neo: Fuckin Larry, ruining everything.

SC276: GODDAMMIT STEVE.



and lifted Michael back to his feet. “You have been the victim of the meat you were made of,



NaturalGlitch: “—panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. What is it you fear? The end of your trivial existence?”

MrSing: My meat made me do it!

Simon: I can’t go to burlesque bars anymore, and it’s all its fault!



the cold world you grew up in, and the genetic behaviors you were programmed with.



NaturalGlitch: I think this is part of the plot for Mass Effect.

Simon: I knew choosing the “asshole” options would have consequences, but never this dire.



You were as helpless in your actions as any of the machines Mankind delights in making. But now, you are truly free.”



twow: Is it really his fault that two humans banged and made him? That’s not fair.

Steel: “Not truly free. Just released from one cage to another.”

Kanzlerin: And then someone threw away the key.

Sigma: “You are now free to become pony against your will and be forced into a situation you vigorously protested. You are truly free.”

Cola: “You are entirely free to make the choice I’ve provided that you will make once I finish it.”



“If I am free, then send me back and let me activate that bomb!”



NaturalGlitch: Too late; we’re reading it.



Michael stood defiantly and glared at Celestia.



Fallen Prime: Chat? If you want him to be in the wrong, stop making him look more sensible than his opponents.



“Is that truly what you want to do?”



Cola: Hell, it’s what I want to do at this point.

SC276: Beats reading this.



Celestia looked him square in the eye; her gaze made him shrink slightly. “Look at your lovely mare, here, Sky Shimmer.



NaturalGlitch: Mike is a mare? What a twist!



She is beautiful, kind, and she loves you. Do you truly wish to kill her?”



Steel: “Too bad I’m Christian.”

Cola: Kane? Grey?

Sigma: Bale? Are you Batman?



Michael looked down at Lisa, his Lisa. Even as a pony, she was beautiful. He loved her. He loved her, even in that body, he loved her.



NaturalGlitch: “She was so tiny and cute and OH GOD MY HEART IT STOPPED AGAIN!”

MrSing: We just learned something about Mike here that should never have been learned.



It had been easier when she wasn’t there. But she was, and she was in front of him, and it wasn’t easy now.



Fallen Prime: It’s not like you’d already come to terms with dying together or anything.

Neo: Shhhhhh, don’t just let the stupid plot over take you.

Steel: It already took the story, don’t let it take you too!

MrSing: “It was moderately difficult now.”



“I... I don’t want to die, Michael. I... I want to live with you. I want to live in love with you.”



NaturalGlitch: ...why?

MrSing: “♫Always, I wanna be with you, and make believe with you, and live in harmony, harmony, oh love!♫”



The words were simple, but it was clear she meant them. “I serve Celestia, just as you served your cause,



MrSing: “Killed a few doctors myself, did a few drive-by shootings. The works.”



but... I don’t want to hurt anypony anymore.



SC276: Then stop making me want to hurt you.



Celestia doesn’t engage in violence. But she can’t allow violence either. That bomb... it would have killed... everything.



NaturalGlitch: “Even the poop stains you left when you were scared out of your mind.”



I can’t accept that kind of thing being justified anymore, Michael. It’s wrong.”



Fallen Prime: You say “anymore” like it’s a universal mindset. I think the split between the author’s fans and her critics is proof that humans are not of one mind on this shit.

twow: Did they get to choose in the original story? Because if not, that’s still bullshit.

Steel: The fact that this is all being forced, and humans are being converted without willingness to do so, just... works against everything. It’s scary, man.

SC276: The matter of consent is the major deal breaker with this whole ‘verse. I don’t remember whether or not the original fic stated that being pony was a completely voluntary choice, I read the original Fan/fic/ riff years ago. If it was, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, you could get some good social commentary mileage out of it maybe. But if it’s not, it’s just wrong. Especially if there’s a complete emotional override. You are not the Caretaker.



Sky Shimmer looked down. “I just want to live in love, forever. With you. Please.”



Steel: “Let’s make beautiful fanfiction together!”

Sigma: Live in love, forever. Sounds like a really shitty white person romance novel. Maybe something by James Patterson.

Cola: This fall: Live In Love Forever, starring Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Garner.

MrSing: It’s a war documentary.



Michael felt his heart sink. Now he knew he couldn’t do it. Even if the device was right in front of him.



NaturalGlitch: I thought it was turned into stone. It seems like everyone else in this story is stoned too.



He just couldn’t do it. She was right here.



MrSing: He seems to be suffering from major stage fright. Just imagine all the ponies are naked.

NaturalGlitch: Like...bald? No hair or mane? I guess being spooked some more won't hurt.



She was here, and he couldn’t do it anymore. He... didn’t want to. Not like that.



Steel: He sat down to claim his final wish, and accidentally plopped onto the detonator. The bomb went off and killed everyone.

Kanzlerin: Yay! Happy end!



“Alright. Fine. No, I don’t want to kill her. I never actually wanted to kill anyone.



NaturalGlitch: Have you been in the same fanfic the whole time or did you faze in and out?



I just wanted to make you... aliens... leave. Just leave us be. You came and invaded us. You came and turned us into you.”



Fallen Prime: EXACTLY.

Neo: Don’t get too excited, she’ll double back soon enough.

Steel: And thus, Celestia is made out to be the genuine villain she is in this story!



Michael turned to face Celestia again. “You killed us, you... ponies. You killed us, you killed our entire species. What were we supposed to do?”



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “Have dance parties?”



“Are you dead?” Celestia’s question seemed absurd.



Fallen Prime: Sooooooooo... because one human wasn’t killed, NO humans were killed?

Kanzlerin: A single living soul is a miracle. A million dead ones is just rotten luck.

Steel: That bullshit was just vomited all over the floor, and Celestia did it with a straight fucking face. What a trooper, lying like that.

Cola: Feels like it.

MrSing: Aren’t they standing amid corpses at this very moment?



“No. Of course not. I’m talking to you right now. Of course I’m not dead!” Michael sneered at Celestia.

“Is Sky Shimmer, the one you knew as ‘Lisa’, dead?”



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “This is tough for me to follow. Am I dead?”



“No... I mean yes... not exactly. I don’t know.” Michael was torn inside.



Steel: THE EXTINCTION OF AN ENTIRE SPECIES WILL STILL HAPPEN, EVEN IF YOU CONVERT IT TO ANOTHER. Would rhinos be ‘dead’ if we converted them all into giraffes? Yes! Because there would be NO RHINOS LEFT.

Cola: “She will be in a minute.” *snaps her neck*



“She isn’t human anymore. She’s Lisa, but she’s not Lisa, now she’s this yellow pony. There are things about her I recognize, I know Lisa, and she’s Lisa, but she’s also not.



NaturalGlitch: I think Mike is having a stroke here.

SC276: Just Mike?

MrSing: Quick! Grab his wallet!

Cola: Call the ambulance, we got an embolism!

Sigma: “You are TEARING ME APART, Lisa!”



Lisa would have shot you right in the face, not bowed to you. But yet... she’s Lisa too, and... I don’t know.”

“When she kissed you, was that the one you love?”



Waterpear: Yes, Michael. Don’t think about philosophical concepts like identity or bodily autonomy or liberty. Think with your dick.

Neo: Sadly the human body only has enough blood to either run the dick or the brain at any given time.

Steel: Gotta love instinct in those situations.

Sigma: I love boners!

MrSing: You know, that kiss she only gave you to forcibly change you into another species. Doesn’t that sound like her?



Michael thought about that.



Dark Angel: That’d be a first.

Fallen Prime: You didn’t seem to need to think about it when you both thought you were gonna die.

Steel: Nobody really thinks when they’re at the end of a gun.

Sigma: I doubt that any Chat character can really think very hard.

Cola: It’s really telling that we have to clarify what he’s thinking about. It couldn’t have just been the question he was asked, was it? Let’s leave no room to doubt! He’s not thinking about roast beef. He’s not thinking about the ‘92 World Series. He’s not thinking about ennui. He’s not thinking about bubble gum.



She had kissed him with the lips of a pony muzzle, not a human face, yet in that intimate moment, he knew more perfectly than what his eyes showed him, that it was his Lisa,



NaturalGlitch: “—because Lisa always had the breath of a horse.”



his wonderful Lisa. “I’m sorry” she had said, even as she forced the potion, stored in her large pony cheeks, down his throat.



Cola: Sexiest line in the whole fic.

MrSing: Don’t talk with your mouth full, missy.

RJ: Am I the only one who’s getting the image of pony with it’s cheeks puffed out like a squirrel?



She must have wanted him to be a pony like her, to be her stallion...



RJ: Like that one night in Vegas. But we won’t get into that.



but she still cared about what he wanted in that moment,



NaturalGlitch: “—like when he wanted to get Daikatana instead of System Shock 2.”

RingmasterJ5: Celestia’s about to make you her bitch… holy shit that has way worse implications when mindgrape is in play.

MrSing: Caring means you do what you want without considering other people's needs, right?

Cola: Wow, this story’s just full of grape left and right.



that he wanted to remain human... and she had said she was sorry.



twow: THAT DOES NOT MAKE WHAT SHE DID RIGHT.

Steel: NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT!

Kanzlerin: I AM YELLING TO EXPRESS MY FRUSTRATION!

Cola: LOUD NOISES!

SC276: *INDETERMINATE SCREAMING*



All this time, he, and Switch and Tank and Maverick...



RJ: And Goose and Iceman...

Dark Angel: And Grumpy and Doc and Dopey...



they had considered the ponified, the newfoals,



Fallen Prime: Please tell me the TCB crowd doesn’t actually say that.

Waterpear: I would tell you they don’t say that, but I’d be lying.

twow: Hahahahaha-

Neo: AHAHAHAHAH-Kill me.

Steel: This is depressing me now.

Kanzlerin: Dammit, my therapist is overworked as it is.

Neo: Can I get her/his number? I might need some professional help after this.

Cola: Wait, Maverick? So this is like, MLP, The Matrix, and Top Gun? Actually, that’s probably a crossover fic in the box right now, I bet. I’m gonna go read that.



to be nothing more than puppets. Just robots, controlled by Celestia.



NaturalGlitch: I think you’re confusing Celestia with Chrysalis, and the latter legitimately brainwashes ponies in canon.

Simon: And even then, hivemind is more about having a mounted radio system connected to all members by design. It’s not like she can control ponies to do whatever. Damn, she sucks at doing that on the show.



They were better off dead, that was what Tank had said; because they had lost all of their free will.



Sigma: Anyone else imagining a genocidal tortoise when he says Tank?

SC276: That’d be funnier, actually, if the animals fought back. No one ever talks about the animals in these stories.



But... Lisa... Sky Shimmer.... had said she was sorry. She had hesitated, though she had followed Celestia’s command.



NaturalGlitch: Wait. But...I...what?!

MrSing: I’ll prove I’m not a mindless robot! Just give a command and I’ll follow it to the letter!



Those were not the actions of a robot without free will.



Waterpear: Yes, by programming a robot to pause before it does your bidding, you too can create a machine that passes the Turing Test.

Axel Nyan: For only 52 easy payments of 499.99$, you too can own your very own lifelike robot!~ Guaranteed to pass any test!

Steel: Give it your homework! Tell it a joke! Order it to end all mankind! We guarantee success in any and all operations!

Sigma: These characters are about as free as fucking Bonzi Buddy.

RingmasterJ5: Chat had that on her computer, but it uninstalled itself after it saw her stories.



“Lisa... Sky Shimmer.” Michael crouched down to look her in the eye. “Why did you do what Celestia told you to do? Why did you ask to convert me back then?”



Fallen Prime: I don’t think you get to say “back then” for something that only happened a few minutes ago.

Steel: Time’s all fucked up right now.

Cola: Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey, sucky wucky.

SC276: Well it made sense in the original fic, go out kissing your love, but then this fic had to make you live, so let’s hear the bullshit reason now.



The yellow mare smiled up at him. “You were going to get converted anyway;



SC276: Assuming he lived.

MrSing: Freedom, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful freedom.



if it had to happen, I wanted to be the one to do it.



NaturalGlitch: “Now drink this batch of potions. Please ignore the skull and crossbones on them.”

Cola: “The horrible burning sensation means it’s working.”



I didn’t want it to happen to you from somepony that didn’t care about you... the way that I do.”



twow: And...?

Steel: “Right, I’m getting a divorce.”



“But why do what Celestia says?” Michael studied her eyes, trying to determine if she really did have free will in there.



Kanzlerin: “She has a fantastic dental plan.”

Cola: “Only she can tell me where my other kidney is hidden.”



“I want to obey Celestia. I want to serve her, Michael, because she truly is good.



NaturalGlitch: “And she does this one trick with her mane to look like a giant afro; it’s hilarious!”



In every battle we were in, do you remember? Ponies never hurt any human.



twow: Besides you know...the whole forceful conversion thing.

SC276: Blood and ichor in the same system can’t possibly be healthy.

Neo: FOOL! ARE YOU NOT AWARE THAT SHE IS PERFECT IN EVERY WAY!? SHE CAN DO NO WRONG, NOR CAN ANY PONY!

Steel: PRAISE HER, PRAISE HER YOU IDIOT!

Neo: PRAISE HER LIKE THE SUN, WHICH SHE MAKES HER BITCH EVERY MORNING!

Sigma: Obviously ponies hurt humans SOMEWHAT if he’s this traumatized.



They always tried to save the very ones that were killing them. Remember how we used to laugh about that, like it was stupid, like it was their weakness that we could exploit?”



Cola: “It was friggin’ hilarious, of course I remember! Bahaha!”



Sky Shimmer looked very sad at the memory. “It wasn’t a weakness, Michael. It was kindness.



MrSing: A kinda weak kind of kindness.

SC276: Kill them with kindness.



It was love for other living creatures. We shot them down while they were trying to save our own fallen soldiers.



NaturalGlitch: “Those pie launchers were really hot, you know.”



What use is humanity if that is what it thinks is good?”



Fallen Prime: Oh my god how is this meant to be taken seriously.

Axel Nyan: There are several books and pages I could find at the local library regarding the selfless acts of countless nameless soldiers to save another trooper.

Neo: Yeah but...fuck the good humanity has done, let’s just focus on the bad because that’s hip with the kids.

Steel: Can we end this nightmare now?

Kanzlerin: “You can’t have a nightmare, if you never dream…”

Neo: The nightmare never ends. Never.



They had done just that. When a soldier fell, hit by the shrapnel from his own grenade, or hit by friendly fire,



NaturalGlitch: “Oops! Had this thing aiming the wrong way. Sorry, Donny!”



or even just in the throes of Conversion after being hit by potion,



SC276: Wait, that thing is a splash weapon? Then why didn’t it bother Ms. Not-Fluttershy while it was in her mouth?



the ponies always stopped for them.



Sigma: Yeah, but they’re like necromancers, dead or alive apparently they can add you to their force.



And both he and Lisa had used the opportunity to bag more ponies. And they just kept coming, trying to help, even when they were being gunned down.



NaturalGlitch: “Maybe we shouldn’t have used Juju beans for ammo.”



It didn’t seem so fun, now. It didn’t seem like a noble fight, now. Michael remembered shooting his own men, as they were changing. The memory made him cringe.



Neo: You’re not the only one cringing here pal, trust me.

Steel: We all are.



“Michael, all you have to do is imagine, just imagine,



MrSing: If she starts singing John Lennon songs I’ll scream.



that maybe what matters isn’t race, or species, or whether a person has thumbs or hooves.



NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “But how am I supposed to play my computer games with hooves?!”



Try to imagine that what matters is... kindness. Love. Just being... nice.”



Fallen Prime: There are people capable of doing that, you know. Or do your fans not exist to you?

Steel: I like how she brings that up, while the human species is now down to its last member.

Sigma: Imagine a world where Chatoyance can write. It’s hard, I know.

MrSing: Is that world in one of those fake kind of realities?

SC276: Sounds dull as hell. If you just have nice, you can’t have Wario, and then you can’t have Wario Land 4, and I refuse to accept any reality where that is the case.



Sky Shimmer pressed her head against his.



NaturalGlitch: “She forgot that her eyes make up almost half her face.”



“Maybe being human isn’t what we should be fighting for.



MrSing: You’re right! We should be fighting for what really makes us humans. The outcome of soccer matches.



Maybe we shouldn’t even be fighting at all.”



SC276: Or maybe that’s just the pony in your brain talking, ever think of that?



It was pointless anyway; humanity was beaten in any case. If Celestia could stop a hypernuke with a spell in mid-detonation,



Fallen Prime: Which NO SHE CAN’T.

twow: Question. If that nuke was supposed to take out EVERYTHING then...why the fuck was it so close to the battle?!

Kanzlerin: ...You know, it occurs to me that they could have, y’know, hidden the bomb away somewhere secret, and THEN detonated. But, hey, that doesn’t make for a very action-packed story, does it now?!

Neo: Better yet, defend a fake bomb while the real one was hidden away. Still allows for action while still allowing a neat twist at the end. BUT FUCK THAT SHIT.

Steel: If the original author had thought of that, Celestia would’ve just known about it anyways. Because MARY SUE, MARY SUE, DO DOOOO DODO DO!

Neo: “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it actually Jesus? No! It’s MARY SUE!”

Sigma: It’s a puma.

NaturalGlitch: Hypernuke. Heh. I guess Mega and Terra were already taken.



there was no weapon on earth that could ever stop her invasion.



MrSing: Chrysalis confirmed to be stronger than a superduper nuke.



When humans fought, the result were bullet-ridden corpses. When ponies fought, if it could even be called fighting,



NaturalGlitch: But...we’ve seen them legitimately fight on the show.

SC276: Silly Glitch, thinking this has any tangible relation to the show whatsoever.



the result was smiling ponies.



MrSing: Those ponies sure loved fighting.



If it was being a zombie, they sure seemed like happy zombies.



NaturalGlitch: (overly creepy smile) Welcome~



Happier than any human had ever been. Happier than he... had ever been.



Fallen Prime: Does the word “Stepford” mean anything to you?

Steel: Nope, but ‘living a lie’ does.

Sigma: This just sounds like brainwashing.

Cola: By this logic, shouldn’t everyone on Earth be taking lithium, or something?



And Lisa was still Lisa, even if she was Sky Shimmer. She just wasn’t Violent Lisa.



Fallen Prime: Was Lisa violent in the original fic?

Neo: I don’t even think Chat read the original.

Steel: I think I’m gonna rage in a bit.

Neo: And then you’ll be Violent Steel, as opposed to normal Steel.

MrSing: You should have seen her when she was Super Saiyan Lisa.

SC276: Not to be confused with Mona Lisa. Not that moaning wouldn’t be justified...



She was Kind Lisa,



NaturalGlitch: Hopefully we never see Amorous Lisa.



like in all of those intimate moments, only... all the time. Was that really such an evil thing?



Axel Nyan: Yes. Yes it is. And I’ll stop there to keep myself from going into a rant about the type of mind rape this is.

Steel: Every single pony is a machine entirely focused on the ‘good’ in the world, they can’t feel anything else! Violence is a part of evolution, because without it, the hunt for us suddenly becomes very fucking easy when predators are picking ponies off, because they don’t defend themselves!

Cola: Wait, shit. That actually makes a lot of sense -- ponies are the apex predators, they’ve just shifted from violence in their past to conversion in their present! That would make such a creepy fucking fic. Y’know, if it were written by someone with a sense of ethics or autonomy.



Michael began to doubt the point of his war.



MrSing: Like, war, what is it even good for, man. Absolutely nothing.

SC276: ~It’s good for you... It’s good for me…~



The more he killed them, the more they tried to be nice.



NaturalGlitch “The power of huggles compels you!”

MrSing: I heard that if you kill five ponies they’ll bake a cake for you.



And all those he had shot and bombed and hurt... forgave him.



Sigma: Truly it is a sign of good heartedness and not just magic and mind rape.



What did he have to show for all of his efforts? Blood, and pain, and holes in his own body.



Fallen Prime: If ponies are non-violent, how did he get wounded?



“I’m ready now.”



Fallen Prime: He said, his legs spread and his rear presented.

Kanzlerin: Someone give him a pillow to bite.

Neo: It was all ogre now...

Steel: He was gonna take it like a soldier, though. And because he had a grenade stuck up there.

Neo: He actually had the real nuke there all along.



Celestia looked serious. “Why?”



twow: Because the human race was boned anyway?

Steel: This is the most fucking drawn out ‘game over’ I’ve ever seen.

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, can’t we just have a simple Soulsbourne-esque “YOU DIED”? That way I can get back to running chalice dungeons instead of reading horse-supremacist fanfiction.

MrSing: “Sorry, what were we talking about? I kinda zoned out.”



“Because I would rather live in love with Li... Sky Shimmer, than go on thinking I’m right about everything. Because I really am sick of killing and seeing things die.



NaturalGlitch: “—all of a sudden.” On the other hand, this fic has runabout enough.



Because I know humans can’t win and right now... I’m no longer sure I even want them to.”



Fallen Prime: I don’t think the nuke was actually a win for either of them.

Neo: It seemed more like a final desperate attempt at saying fuck you.

Steel: A way of stopping ponies from taking anything else, ever.



“Oh, Michael!” Sky Shimmer was smiling, tears in her eyes.



Sigma: And then, everything exploded.

SC276: Yep. Friendship is Optimal.



“Then what do you want?” Celestia spoke softly.



Kanzlerin: “A hippopotamus. Just one will do.”

MrSing: WHAT!? I STILL CAN’T HEAR YOU!

SC276: AYE AYE CAP- wait still wrong show.



“I want to be alive with Sky Shimmer. I don’t care how. I want to be... I want to be a stallion for her. I want to live in love with her.”



NaturalGlitch: [Celestia] “You have chosen to be a mare? Well, OK, if that’s what you really want...”

Dark Angel: [Michael] “Thank yo- wait, what?! No, I wanted to be a sta-” *POOF*



Celestia smiled. “Welcome, then, welcome to the...”



Fallen Prime: “RAPE DUNGEON.”

Neo: Here’s your complimentary ‘I Survived The Rape Dungeon’ Tee-Shirt! You have to return it if you die though.

Steel: “Son of a bitch, I was gonna sell it on EBay.”



* * * * *

“Michael? Michael?”



Kanzlerin: “Mike? MIIIIIIIIIKE!”

Steel: “FUCK’S SAKES, THAT’S THE FOURTH TIME I DIED AGAINST CELESTIA! Stupid fucking Nikita launcher, running out of ammo...”

Cola: Richards? Myers?

Fallen Prime: Bueller?

SC276: “SNAKE? SNAKE?! SNAAAAAAAAAKE!!”

Dark Angel: “KHAAAAAAAN!!!”



Michael’s eyes began to focus; the sweet yellow face in front of him was busy licking his muzzle and kissing him.



NaturalGlitch: [Sky Shimmer] “Yum! All your drool is delicious!”



“Sky...? Am... am I alive?”



Neo: In a shocking turn of events the bomb actually did go off and he’s in heaven now. Although Chat wrote this so I guess it should be hell because OMG SO EVUL.

Steel: I wish it did, and that they really were in Heaven.

Neo:...Did you forget who wrote this?

Steel: No, but I like fooling myself.



“Oh, Michael, of course you’re alive! We never kill anypony.



MrSing: “Everything that isn’t a pony is dead meat, however.”



You’re alive, and you’re healed and I’m so glad you’re finally one of us!”



NaturalGlitch: [Sky Shimmer] “Sure, I can’t seem to turn a doorknob, and I don’t know the first thing about hooficures, but...”



Sky Shimmer kissed him deeply, this time on the mouth, and it was sweet, and passionate, and it made Michael feel warm and happy inside.



Fallen Prime: Did you never feel that as a human? What the fuck was your love LIKE?

twow: They rode motorcycles together.

Kanzlerin: While playing card games.

Neo: Neither of them knew the rules though. Nobody did really, they just kind of did whatever they wanted.

Steel: And that was cool with him.

Cola: And that was cool with her.

SC276: And then they all became the Brady Bunch?



And he did feel happy. He felt happier than he had ever felt before. He had always suffered from depression - that weight was gone.



NaturalGlitch: Because nothing depressing ever happened in Equestria ever.



All the negative thoughts, all the angry feelings, they were just... gone. He felt lightheaded. It was like...



RJ: A lobotomy? Not like that would be a bad thing right now.



it was like he had been carrying a ton of bricks on his back, and now... they were all gone.



Fallen Prime: ...she does know that asshole ponies exist, right? Like, not even the unwilling convertees I mentioned, but we have Flim and Flam, actual con artists, and cult leader Starlight Glimmer, to name just SOME.

Waterpear: They’re all descended from a human. I shit you not, that is how Chatoyance headcanons them.

Kanzlerin: I’m tempted to ask how that even works, but, I don’t think I really care now.

Neo: “Sir please do not point out the plot holes, it’s against Fic Policy.”

Steel: They’re seriously descended from humans? Really? Oh God, she really will relate any bad behavior back to humanity.

Neo: Man it’s almost like she’s a childish misanthrope.

Fallen Prime: ...that might literally be the single most depressing yet hilariously ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard. How can she even justify that in a universe where humans are not and were never a presence?

Waterpear: Some guy from medieval England saved Celestia’s life and got turned into a pony as a reward or something. It ties in with the “humans have no souls,” too.

Fallen Prime: If I hadn’t dealt with Felix Dawn, Mykan, and TheSequentialArtMan on multiple occasions each, and thus seen the true abyssal depths of human madness... I would swear you were trolling me.

Neo: Maybe Chat is the real troll. Maybe she isn’t this stupid and she’s waiting for the right moment to pull a ‘got ya’ on us. Hopefully. Maybe. Not a chance in hell.

SC276: Lightheaded, feeling no burden… That is pretty much exactly Hollywood hypnotic trance.



Michael raised a foreleg and brought it to his face.



Steel: The last remnant of his humanity possessed it and punched him square in the face, firing cartilage up into his brain.

Neo: I would actually be okay with that ending.

Cola: “Sky Shimmer wept for about two seconds, but then the grieving process was aborted by magical superhappy vibes. She pranced away from his lifeless corpse as blood gushed out of his shattered skull. The end!”



A shining red hoof, new and strong, gleamed in the light. He turned it, studying it.



MrSing: His body is now 80% chrome.

NaturalGlitch: I wonder how many bronies still think hooves have nerve endings. Most of them don’t know equines have hair instead of fur, and—(a safe falls on his head, bounces in the air from the initial impact, then smashes right on the same spot). Ouchie.



Then he placed it on the ground, testing it. Finally, he put his weight on it, and tried to stand up. He was a little wobbly, but managed to make it to his hooves.



Sigma: Then, just to make sure it worked, he jerked off a bit.

Cola: Then, just to make sure that wasn’t a fluke, he jerked off a lot more.

NaturalGlitch: And seeing the hoof is like a metallic finger nail, the skin of his dwarfish "Mike" flayed across the room in colossal strips of venous blood.

SC276: OK, now I feel about to throw up.



Sky Shimmer pressed her soft, pale yellow body to his, steadying him. He looked around. The scene was much the same as in his Conversion Dream, only the crowd of ponies were not there.



NaturalGlitch: “They were all in the bathtub, ready for step two.”

MrSing: The dead bodies were still everywhere though.

Neo: And so was the Bomb! HI BOMB!



The device was solid stone, just as in the dream.



Fallen Prime: Did Celestia jack the Elements?

twow: They’re still on Earth, right? Can it even be called that now? I don’t think it can.

Steel: They probably call it ‘Dirt’ now.

Neo: It’s called Evil Bad Nasty Human World.

Cola: It’s called “Our new pony planet, because fuck the humans.”



“My stallion! You made it! It’s so good to see you!” It was Tank, now a fine stallion.



Sigma: I thought Tank was a tortoise.

Cola: Wrong Tank. I got a little confused on that too. *offers a handy chart*

RingmasterJ5: Are you sure this chart is right? It’s just the word “fuck” repeated over and over again in very small print on every inch of the paper.

Cola: *nods solemnly* It’s right. Trust me.



“Dude! Welcome to the winning side, my pony!”



MrSing: War isn’t a competition, buddy. All that matters is doing your best.

Neo: Here’s your participation trophy.

Sigma: Ignore the ticking.



Maverick grinned and Michael grinned back.



MrSing: The war was kinda funny in hindsight.



He couldn’t help it. He just felt so good.



NaturalGlitch: It was like a drug. He sniffed their manes. He wouldn’t—no, couldn’t!—stop.



Then he saw Celestia.



Fallen Prime: And dumped Lisa for her.

Kanzlerin: And got some time on the side with her sister, too.

Steel: ...I HAVE SEEN INTO THE ABYSS, AND WATCHED IT STARE bACK AT ME. AnD IT SmILed…

Neo: And then I fucked the Abyss...and it fucked me too.

Sigma: Do you have a James Cameron DVD fetish?



She stood nearby, overseeing the effort to heal the wounded and comfort the dying. She turned her head and looked at him.



Cola: And then he realized this was a bullshit near death experience and the explosion tore him apart molecule by molecule. THE END DAMMIT.



Her eyes were kind, but sad.

“Celestia...” Michael didn’t know what to say. What could he say? “I’m sorry. I’m... just sorry.”



NaturalGlitch: “—that I thought your neck was that of a swan.”

MrSing: “Stick it up your ass, Michael.”



Michael hung his head, his ears down.



twow: Being converted against your will’ll do that to ya.

Neo: It’s almost like he’s not himself!

Steel: Almost like he got BRAINWASHED.

Neo: “Ah shit, my brain is dry clean only!”

Cola: At least you can spot wash ‘em.



“Michael, it’s alright.” Sky Shimmer licked his ears,



NaturalGlitch: “You’ve got a lot of wax in there today, Mike.”

MrSing: I want Violent Lisa back.



somehow it was wonderfully comforting. “Celestia forgives you.”



Kanzlerin: As forgiving as these ponies claim to be, they’re pretty judgmental assholes.

Steel: Celestia, of course, being the ultimate example.

Sigma: I don’t even understand this twisted ass morality system. Can someone explain this shit?

Fallen Prime: Ponies yes, humans no. Doesn’t matter how evil the ponies act, they’re right. Doesn’t matter how good the humans act, they’re wrong.

MrSing: It’s basically a cult.

Neo: “What? No it can’t be a cult, things are way too awesome here…”



And in that moment, Michael remembered his dream that was more than a dream,



MrSing: He had to change his sheets.

SC276: If the setting when you wake up from a dream is exactly the same as the dream, it probably wasn’t a fucking dream before.



and he knew that Sky Shimmer was right.



Fallen Prime: “My dick IS gross and tiny...”

Neo:”...But not any more. Hung like a...technicolor pony, ALRIGHT!”

Steel: “Finally hung like a horse!” And then he dragged his wife off to test it out.

Neo: Actually ponies probably don’t have sex in Chatoyance Head Canon, they probably manifest from love and happiness and cabbage patches.

Simon: Better than the original “mirror that makes baby ponies.”

Kanzlerin: Shit, I’d better remember to go water my pegasi later...

NaturalGlitch: Unfortunately for Sky Shimmer, she finds out that stallions have a hair trigger of 30 seconds at best. So, Mike’s performance didn’t change at all. OOOH!~

Neo: She then realized the folly of her ways and lamented her loss of that sweet, sweet loving.



And then Michael realized what he should be doing instead of just standing there.



NaturalGlitch: [Mike] “I haven’t gone to the bathroom since... MAKE WAY!”



“Come on, Sky, Tank, Maverick... let’s see what we can do to help clean up this mess we made.”



NaturalGlitch: “It’s not my fault for eating so many tacos in one sitting.”

MrSing: I’ll grab the mop, you grab the bodies.



And so, in kindness, they did.



Locklen: If he turned this quickly, he couldn’t have been that devoted to humanity.

twow: That, or your mind really does just get wiped.

Neo: Or maybe Chat is just really bad at...everything involving writing.

Cola: Maybe?

Steel: And thus, we finally come to the end.

Axel Nyan: It scares me that there exist people who truly think this story has a positive way of conveying its way of thinking.

Sigma: In general I’m just annoyed by the stupidity.

SC276: And the completely roundabout way of expressing said stupidity.





THE END



Fallen Prime: That... was the first time I’d ever read a Chatoyance fic all the way through. God help me, it was sickening.

Neo: Ditto.

Cola: Same here. Probably the last time, too.

Dark Angel: Does anybody else need some Pepto Bismol?

Waterpear: The big problem One of the problems here is that this is a concatenation of two completely different outlooks on the Conversion Bureau concept: Chatoyance’s and that of Ten Minutes. This creates a jarring combination of tones. Effectively, this story is the Pony Rapture, except that Pony Jesus is the ringleader of the zombie apocalypse. And this isn’t played as a deconstruction of rapture fiction. It’s dead serious. Have you accepted Zombie Pony Jesus as your lord and savior?

Neo: “NO! AND STOP BUGGING ME WHEN MY PROGRAMS ARE ON!”

Cola: It’s almost an unintentional deconstruction since it’s so badly mashed together, and suspension of disbelief is nearly impossible. Especially with that dialogue! Hey, Chatoyance? I don’t forgive you for this story.

twow: I’m going to go play a Lego game and hug my Fluttershy plushie.

Kanzlerin: I wish I had a plushie...

RingmasterJ5: I’m going to go figure out what we should do for the next riff. Any suggestions should go over here.

Sigma: I would just like to say, this was dumb and a bit aggravating. Who in hell thinks this is a positive way of thinking?

Cola: People who are positively stupid?

Steel: ...I’m just, just, uh... gonna go sit over here... (Walks over to the corner and sits down, staring off into space as he curls up into a ball.) What is humanity? What is ponydom? What is the world, when a species can be taken like this...? Someone hug me…

Neo: I would but...I don’t hug people when I’m scared.

SC276: Thank god I got a game jam to wipe this thing from my already frayed memory. The sooner I can cleanse this painful affront to free will from my head, the better!

Fallen Prime: Well... thank you, everyone who participated in this maiden voyage into the dystopian world of misanthropy and mandatory assimilation that perverts this author’s every thought. Considering the... abominable nature of the work we just witnessed, I’m willing to bet ol’ Chatot has other stories we can dissect for a laugh or two, preferably one that’s not as verbose and lengthy as her standard fare.

That’s not for next time, though. We’ve got a FEW stories we wanna do, and they’re a whole other ballpark entirely from Chat... but who knows, maybe we’ll find something close enough to the ballpark that it can still catch a rogue foul ball.

Cola: Ugh, sports metaphors. Well, lemme know about the next clusterfuck!

MrSing: Remember to drink your grape flavoured Kool Aid.

Fallen Prime: Until next time, fucksuckers.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Hello, and welcome to Fan/fic/ Theater 3000! I left this document open for comments, letting anyone who wanted to “riff”(make humorous comments about) the original Conversion Bureau fic have the chance to do so. Later, me and two other editors added the comments to the document itself. Right now the doc is closed for commenting, but we’ll be back soon with another fic!



THE CONVERSION BUREAU

A ‘My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’ Fan Fiction by Blaze

From the Author (READ FIRST): I've seen a lot of backstories written about how Equestria is simply a post-apocalyptic Earth set in the distant future. I decided to expand on it in a much less...grimdark fashion.



Anon4: By causing mass genocide of the human race! Oh, sorry, spoilers...

Ezn: Judging by the author’s sense of morality, it’s a lot less grimdark this way than if the story were to have any pony deaths.



It may seem very human-centered in the beginning, but you'll see more ponies as the story progresses. Enjoy. 9_6

Prologue

The pony race and humans have lived together in harmony for centuries. A peaceful race, the ponies never really felt the need for war or violence to solve world problems.



Vimbert: They were quickly enslaved by other countries that actually had armies.



Things always seemed a lot friendlier with the ponies involved. Only recently have ponies been integrating into the modern human society. Ponies have lived in isolated, calm lands for many generations, but with over-population becoming a risk for the equine communities, moving from Canterlot to Newark was a common occurrence in these times.

Through warfare and species-exclusive diseases,



Ion-Sturm: Apparently, these are supremacist diseases.



humans have begun a steady decline in population and general health. The ways humans have destroyed the world around them, through pollution, greed and unhealthy living conditions,



Ion-Sturm: Poisoned oceans! Unscrupulous CEOs and corrupt politicians! That nasty stain on the bathroom floor!



have led the humans to realize the error of their ways, but it had been too late. Ponies, being a hardy, largely pacifistic folk, had slowly become the majority in world population (but only just so).



Ezn: We are the 50.1%. #OccupyEarth



It was becoming clear the time of the human was coming to a close. Soon, scientists of both human and pony worked together to create a formula to, in a sense, "ponify" a human,



Ezn: But only in a sense (sight, to be exact).



and hopefully keep society from collapsing. Their long term plan was to start a thriving, pony-centric world for generations to come.

In this interim period, humans were plagued with mass confusion and doubt as to what to do.



Ezn: Without their magic, help the earth pony way!



Most humans understood the decline in the population, and would much prefer to be a pony. With a down-to-earth, carefree lifestyle, the possibility of flying or using magic to their advantage, and current human health problems a thing of the past, what could possibly go wrong?



Vimbert: What’s that? Equine-specific diseases? What are those? We don’t even know!



However, some people have shown some second thoughts.

People like Ethan McCullough.



Anon4: Though others hated his guts.



Chapter 1 - In Which Something Happens



Ion-Sturm: And that something is me going to watch paint dry instead of reading this.

Ezn: Can I come too? I’m betting on red to dry first this time.



Ethan rose from his bed on that warm Sunday morning



Ion-Sturm: Not just any Sunday. THAT Sunday.



in April to the sun beating down through his window. He knew today was the day. He was finally going to do it. Get it done and over with.



Ion-Sturm: Finally, he was going to ask that hot pony receptionist if she was bi-species.

Ezn: I hope that’s not really a thing.



He was going to be ponified, and he was going to move to the pony world.



Ion-Sturm: ~She’s a pony girl, in this pony woooorld, coloured like plastic, so fantastic~



Most of his other friends have



Anon4: I just... this should be “had”, children. Learn your tenses.



already gone through the ponification process, and now it was his turn. For a young adult still not quite done with his teenage years, this 17-year old couldn't help but succumb to peer pressure.



Anon4: ONE OF US. ONE OF US. JOIN US! JOIN US!



Ethan laughed quietly and got up to pack.

The newspaper talked about it last month. He still had the clipping of the article on the wall of his bedroom, "PONIFICATION CAMP OPENS; HUNDREDS



Ion-Sturm: MEANWHILE, MILLIONS CONTINUE TO PLAY WoW.

Anon4: Meanwhile, billions change the channel on the TV!



FLOCK TO JOIN PONY SOCIETY". Ethan had skimmed through the article several times a day, looking over the regulations and the daily regiment of the 7-day camp; and as he packed the six sets of clothes, toiletries,



Ion-Sturm: Lord knows what wiping your ass with hay would do to your complexion.



and other essentials, he was confident he'd know what he was doing the moment he walked into the door of that camp.

Ethan hopped into his car and drove his way through the streets of his hometown.



Ion-Sturm: Every village needs its idiot, after all.



There were many memories attached to these streets,



Ion-Sturm: Like that mugging last summer, or when his girlfriend dumped him in front of all his friends at the junior prom.

Vimbert: And those were just the GOOD memories.



and hopefully they will stay with him when he comes back, a totally different species entirely. The once-crowded suburban complex he called home was now barren,



Anon4: “Where have all the ponies gone? Long tiiiimmeee tro-oo-tttinngg”



with only a few of his neighbors still going about their business, and some ponies are seen bustling through the streets (and skies above). Ethan knew that this kind of living was soon going to come to an end, and the new society he will soon be integrated into will be much better. Or, at least, that's what he was reassuring himself with.

After about twenty minutes behind the wheel, following the MapQuest directions he'd printed out the day before,



Anon4: Welcome to the future! Same as the past! Take a lycra jumpsuit and prepare to make do with 640kb of main RAM!



Ethan arrived at what looked like the cleanest building in the neighborhood. The camp looked more like a clinic on the outside, with what looked like a large greenhouse complex in the back, and a sprawling field of fresh grass even further back. The people-to-pony ratio in the general area of the building was about even, with nervous humans walking in, and ecstatic ponies coming out.



Vimbert: The fact that we’re a different species now has made us completely forget about the hellhole we live in! Hooray!



Ethan parked his car, got his things, and headed inside.

The waiting room gave off a very noticeable vibe that would normally come from a doctor's office. It was awkwardly quiet in the mid-sized room, with only a few people sitting in comfortable chairs reading old magazines,



Ezn: The rest were sitting in uncomfortable chairs reading new magazines, the poor sods.

Anon4: The horor, the horror! Also, the celebrity makeovers!



and a unicorn pony at the reception desk typing on a computer with her magic, and sorting papers with her hooves. Ethan quietly walked up to the desk and wrote his name on the sign-in sheet, placing the application he had filled out the night before in the basket with a few others, and sat down with the other people. The uneasiness in the room was palpable.

Suddenly, after what felt like hours, the door on the opposite end of the room opened, startling everyone in the room, even the secretary pony. A lime-green mare appeared from the other room and looked at the people in the chairs, including Ethan. After a minute, she spoke.



Ezn: Timed with military precision!



"Okay! All of you come with me!" She said, in that kind of peppy, cheery tone that would annoy the average schmo off the streets.



Ezn: But would be music to the refined ear of a cultured voice connoisseur.



The aforementioned people rose quickly and started for the door, anything to break the monotony of sitting in that room. Something told Ethan that it brought back bad doctor memories for most of them.

"Now, I'm going to take you five to your living quarters," the pony said as they walked down the long hallway to the dormitories.

Even though ponies had been living in his neighborhood for a few years now, Ethan had never really gotten the chance to be this close to a pony before.



Ezn: It turns out bi-species isn’t actually a thing.



They had always been either at home or work, and his friends and family didn't really have any pony acquaintances he knew of (at least, until they became ponies, that is). It was an odd experience being this close



Vimbert: He just wants to be loved!



to a fellow sentient being,



Ezn: Tell me about it.



that looked nothing like him. It felt like he was following a talking dog.



Nuke.equestria: Hey, some of my best friends are talking dogs.



Finally, the pony and her followers arrived at a small hallway. There must have been twenty rooms there, each individually numbered, like a hotel's rooms. The pony directed each of the people to their respective dorms, and Ethan was the last. He got room 526, or so it said on the plate on the front of the door.



Ezn: “You got room 526,” said the plate. “It’s a little further on.”



It was then he noticed the doors had no knobs, and just pushed open, like a public restroom. Ethan got self-conscious about his privacy, until he noticed the wooden door block placed tenderly



Ezn: By a very sensual member of the cleaning staff.



at the edge of his room.

The dorm was simple, and warm. The first thing he noticed was the heater was on full blast, so he turned it down



Ezn: Turn it up or turn it off, homeslice.



to a reasonable temperature, and put his stuff down on the bed. The bed was short and stocky,



Ezn: Shh! It might have “short bed syndrome”.



but still managed to be a full-sized bed



Ezn: The little bed that could.



with a fluffy, sleepable mattress and neatly made sheets. Before he had a chance to unpack his things, a knock unexpectedly came at his door.



Varanus-Freefallus: “Oh god, I swear this never happens...” the knock apologized to the mortified door. “W-was it good for you too?”



"Ethan? Is this your room? The reception lady told me to come to 526, but I'm not sure if the signs got mixed up or anything,



Ezn: Or if they’re playing another prank on me...



so I'm just making sure..."

The familiar voice babbled on as Ethan opened the door to his old middle school friend, Barry Gelsi. Barry was lanky with a messy brown jewfro



Ion-Sturm: Jewfro: The result of an afro and a Jewish religion member combining, resulting in someone too cheap to keep their hair in check.

Anon4: Is... is that really a word? I’m subtly horrified.



on his head, and was wearing a grey, battered looking T-shirt with equally as battered cargo pants. The two friends man-hugged at first glance of each other.



Ezn: They were completely confident in their sexuality.

Vimbert: Their complete lack of any, since no one would touch them.



"Hey, buddy!" Ethan greeted Barry with his first genuine smile of the day.



Anon13: He always was way too pleased with his Pauly Shore impression.



"Hi, there! I guess I was right about the room," Barry replied and let himself into Ethan's dorm, sitting enthusiastically



Ezn: Observe, gentlemen! This is how a winner sits!



on the bed. After a short silence, Barry continued, "So...I guess you're here for the pony thing, eh?"

"No, I'm here to exact revenge on one of the employees here. He killed my father, and he must die,"



Ion-Sturm: Princess Bride deserves better than this.



Ethan replied with a dead-serious look on his face. Soon, both of them collapsed with laughter.



Ezn: I hated my father anyway! He was a human!



"Sure as hell, I'm here for the pony thing, buddy! How long have you been here?"

"I just moved in last night. We're supposed to go for a seminar after dinner tonight, to 'inspire us to make the right choices', and all that junk," Barry said, using finger quotes where appropriate, "Half the reason I'm going is because my friend is giving the speech. She's a pony, too."

"You have pony friends already? Geez, I wish I did. Things are so weird around here," Ethan replied.



Anon13: You’re preparing to change species to a talking pony, and THIS you think is weird?



"Eh, you get used to it. I did, and I've only been here for 15 hours!"



Anon4: 15 hours. 15 mares. Ka-ching.



Ethan spent the next couple of hours looking over the papers given to him in the dorm room with Barry, and meanwhile catching up with his long lost friend.



Ezn: “The door plate and me go waaaaay back!”



Barry had moved out of the suburbs the summer before their first year of high school, and Ethan hasn't been able to keep in touch with him since. He was glad he had a friend at the camp to go though the ponification with, and he was sure Barry felt the same way.

"Well, I think the seminar is coming up soon. Did you have anything to eat before you came over?" Barry asked Ethan as he unpacked his things.

"Not really, but I'll probably grab something from the vending machine outside or something. Let's just get this over with," Ethan said, attempting to hide his anxiety. He was unsuccessful.



Varanus-Freefallus: Failed a Bluff roll...



Barry seemed to pay no attention to Ethan's jitteryness,



Varanus-Freefallus: And yet Barry got a 1 on his Sense Trepidation check. Alright then.



"Sounds like a plan. Let's roll!" And with that, they set out on the short walk to the seminar hall.

Chapter 2: Let the Game Begin



Ezn: Conversion Bureau: Saving electronic paper so that you don’t have to!



The room the seminar took place in reminded him of a town meeting. The room was empty, save for about thirty chairs, half of which filled, and a chair up front for the presenter. Lots of small talk can be heard, and not a pony in sight, as expected. Ethan and Barry walked in and sat down quietly close to the front of the crowd, both joking about how they got front row seats.

"So, what is this thing about, again?" Ethan asked curiously. He was still a little jittery about being new.

"It's just to greet the newbies, like us. Relax, this won't take long," Barry reassured Ethan with a pat on the back, and the presenter trotted out from a door that Ethan hadn't seen before. The crowd fell silent immediately.

The unicorn pony was very calm and studious looking, but still looked like she'd be nice if you talked to her. She had a noticeably purple coat, with a dark purple straight mane with unique pink streaks. The symbol on her flank was a magenta six-pointed star surrounded by a few other smaller stars. She put the pile of papers she had been holding up with her magic down on the chair up front and started once the crowd quieted down.

"Afternoon, everyone. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I'll be talking to you all for the next 20 minutes," the unicorn said uniformly. Ethan could hear a few people faintly giggle at Twilight's name, but she simply ignored them.

"Now, I'm almost positive all of you are here because you want to become a pony.



Ezn: “What is wrong with you people? Why would you all want to become one pony?”

Vimbert: Great, now I’m having flashbacks to that Human Caterpillar crossover.

RingmasterJ5: One of those actually exists? Eww.

GelidEnmity: You mean ‘Human Centipede’?



This is a fact. You don't come here because you don't want to be a pony, unless someone forced you at gunpoint,



Pemberton: So, unless I’ve met Blaze?

Ezn: “GO TO THE CONVERSION BUREAU BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A PONY OR ELSE!”



but that's a different story." Twilight continued, casual, but serious, "I may not fully understand your reasoning behind your choice to become a pony,



Anon13: Well, there is that whole “survival” thing.



considering I was born one myself, but I can understand what we have been facing in the past few years. Humans such as yourselves have brought your world to shambles, all because of the selfish greed of big business, and the horrible health habits of the majority of the population."



Anon13: Someone biffed a Diplomacy check.

Vimbert: “We, on the other hand, are clearly the master race. You will be sent to... work camps.”



Twilight pointed at a map of the world, with a small island just outside the east coast of the United States circled in red marker, "Ponykind faces overpopulation, in ways that the tiny isle of Equestria simply can't keep together for long.



Ezn: “So actually, that one pony idea isn’t a bad one.”



That's why we moved into your towns and cities." A small pause, while someone coughed near the back, "I'm sure you all know about this already, but what you haven't heard is why we're doing this. Why you are here today, sitting in this cramped room with sweaty, tired people just waiting for me to stop talking."

"Our plan is to ponify you, the sooner the better. Expect this to happen when you least expect it.



Anon13: NOBODY EXPECTS THE PONY INQUISITION!

(This message brought to you by the Society for Obligatory Python References.)



You'll get used to our culture, our food, and our lack of thumbs. Trust me, it's easier than it looks.



Anon13: Hitchhiking is a royal bitch, though.



Because humans can't handle the magic



Vimbert: You want the magic? You can’t handle the magic!



radiating from Equestrian borders, becoming a pony is crucial to expanding the peaceful, friendly aura that surrounds Equestria every day of every month of every year. Thank you."



A small applause followed, and most people got up and started to leave for their dorms. Barry immediately got up and walked up to Twilight, who hadn't moved since she stopped talking.

"Twilight! How's the new job treating you?" Barry asked hardily.

"Great, Barry! Good to see you finally caved in and signed up for the cause. And who is this?" Twilight gestured toward Ethan, who had just walked up to join Barry.

Ethan jumped a little at the attention, "Uh, I'm Ethan..." he mumbled nervously. He wasn't really that good at talking to ponies



Ezn: Or girls.



that much, and that coupled with his normal social awkwardness is a horrible combination.



Vimbert: Much like the genes of his parents, which became more and more apparent the older Ethan became.



"Ethan here is an old friend of mine from middle school! He's dorming next to me for the week!" Barry said enthusiastically, putting his arm around Ethan’s shoulder.



Pemberton: I can’t stress how enthusiastic Barry is!



"Er, yeah. Ha ha..." Ethan added, just as awkward as earlier.

"You remind me of another friend of mine, Ethan. It's nice to meet you." Twilight replied, smiling genuinely at him. Ethan smiled back, only glad that he didn't come off as a total creep.



Vimbert: Ethan was a partial creep before it was cool.



"Well, we'll be heading back to the dorms, now." Barry started.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to Twilight for a minute, if you don't mind." Ethan said, finally growing a pair and speaking up.



Nuke.equestria: Suddenly he sounded like James Earl Jones.



"Oh, sure." Barry said, a little surprised, "Don't let him get on your flank, Twi.



Ezn: “Keep the pepper spray at ready just in case!”



See you guys later!" And with that, he rushed back to his dorm, leaving Ethan and Twilight the only people in the room.

"What did you want to talk about, Ethan?" Twilight asked.

"Well, I hope I'm not wasting your time or anything. I don't want to seem like just some bum off the streets."

"No, no! Not at all. A friend of Barry's is a friend of mine.



Ezn: Twi and Barry go waaaaaaay back.

Nuke.equestria: Turns out, bi-species is a thing.



Now, what's troubling you?" Twilight got up from her chair and started cleaning up a bit.

"Well..." Ethan started, realizing he had not rehearsed this beforehand, "I'm a little apprehensive about the ponification. I want to go through with it, but I'm a little...for lack of better word, suspicious, of the anonymity of the process itself.



Ezn: I prefer to undergo processes that are unquestionably nameless.



I hope you understand my feelings."



Nuke.equestria: That’s silly. Humans don’t have feelings.



Twilight, a little taken aback by how surprisingly wordy he is,



Nuke.equestria: Whoa, slow down, Ethan! Your three sentences are confusing Twilight.



despite how shy he was at first impression, stopped what she was doing and looked at Ethan, "There's no need to be suspicious. It'll be like getting a shot, or taking medicine. Plus, you'll be unconscious during the actual transformation, so you won't feel any pain."



Varanus-Freefallus: How reassuring is that? “You don’t need to worry. Now eat this pill. No questions, eat it for science.”

Nuke.equestria: Golly Twilight, will giving up my humanity be painful?



But after all of that, Ethan was still iffy. "I don't know...I still don't feel right about it."

Twilight looked at Ethan in the eyes for the first time and smiled reassuringly, "You'll be fine. Now go see Barry, I think he's been waiting for you."



soFreeKey: “...And tomorrow you’ll forget we ever had this conversation.”



Ethan looked back out the doorway to see Barry waving his hands wildly in the air looking at Ethan in impatience.

"Thanks, Twilight. See you tomorrow."

Chapter 3: What is To Come

"Doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot, doo-doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot, doo-doodoodoodoo, doo doot, doo doot!



Vimbert: Being woken up by beatboxing sounds pretty awesome, actually.



GOOD MORNING CAMPERS!"





Nuke.equestria: Today we’re going to the gas chamber... I mean showers.



The incessant singing over the loudspeakers woke Ethan up with a start, and he began groggily putting his second set of clothes on.



Ezn: Over his first, cause that’s jus’ how E-dog rolls.



Once the short song ended, the obnoxious pony began reading the morning announcements.

"Um, um...okay. Alright. Okay." Ethan could hear the shuffling of papers. "The cafeteria menu for the day of Monday, April 16 is chicken...'lo meen'? What's that? And for you ponyfolk, hay fries and the flower of the day sandwich. Also, can...James Thompson mosey on over to the ponification room? You're up, Jimmy!



Ezn: What happened to “when you least expect it”? I thought they just zapped guys with ponification in the hallways and stuff.

Vimbert: NO ONE EVER EXPECTS THE... oh wait. Yes you do.



This has been Pinkie Pie with your daily announcements! Have a fun-erific day!" And with that, the loudspeaker crackled off.

The second the speaker turned off, an audible "Woo-hoo!" was heard from a few rooms down, then heavy, sprinting footsteps.



Anon13: WOO species reassignment! WOO existential crisis! WOO disturbing questions about the nature of man! Let's DO THIS!



The footsteps were soon followed by more noises of people in the dorm hallway thundering to their doors. Ethan joined them, to see a person they don't know for the last time as a human.

The scrawny, auburn-haired 20-something made his way out of his room, wearing nothing but a ratty tanktop and boxer shorts, and walked triumphantly down the hall, with applauding campers at each side of him. Each step his last on human feet,



Nuke.equestria: Wait, I’m confused. If each step is his last, how does he keep walking? Shouldn’t he be crawling, or hobbling around on his knees?

RingmasterJ5: Maybe he came from circus people, and is walking on his hands.



the smug look on Jimmy's face showed that he was most certainly ready to be ponified. The clapping and cheering didn't end until he was out of sight. When the noise finally died down to a hush, people began sitting down in their doorways. Ethan turned to his dorm neighbor Barry.

"How long do these take?" Ethan asked curiously.

Another person near them answered his question, "Give or take, around ten minutes. It's really short, I'm surprised. Technology is amazing..."

Leaving that guy alone to his thoughts, Ethan decided to join the sitting group as they started making small talk and discussing their own pony aspirations.

"I want to be a pegasus! Flying like that must be so cool." One boy said to the girl next to her.



Ezn: S/he was also hoping that the ponification could also complete his/her sex-change.



A few people near him nodded in agreement.

"Too extreme for me, I think I'll just stick with living the simple life of an Earth pony." The girl replied.



Nuke.equestria: I don’t want to fly or have magic. I just want to give up my thumbs.



Others nodded.

Ethan had never really put much thought into what kind of pony he wanted to be.



Anonymous: Ethan had never put much thought into anything he did, really.

Anon13: As his high school and police records can attest.



After seeing so many ponies around the building, he was surprised he hadn't decided what he'd look like. He assumed that your physical appearance all depends on genetics,



Ezn: We’re getting awfully personal here. What my physical appearance is based on is my own damn business!



but is the pony type chosen? Ethan was afraid to ask more questions, he didn't want to feel like a newbie with the other campers.

A four-legged's footsteps were heard by every camper simultaneously. They all looked down the hall intently, hoping to finally see the ponified Jimmy. The trotting sounded slow, and careful. A loud thud was heard



Ezn: “Ponification didn’t hold. We had to put this one down.”



once, then a pause...then the trotting resumed.

Jimmy turned the corner, fully ponied.



Anonymous: Jimmy: Fully Ponied, starring Lindsey Lohan.



A peach-colored earth pony, the most prominent thing he kept was his auburn hair and stubble around his muzzle. The other obvious trait he seemed to have kept was the smug expression on his face, albeit with a little nervousness over his new legs. Jimmy was trotting very slowly, almost to a crawl, attempting to get used to his new center of balance. The thud was heard again,



Ezn: “WHY WON’T YOU DIE!”



except this time Ethan knew it was Jimmy falling on the floor, then getting himself up immediately and continuing to walk. The campers were going crazy, patting his back and head



Vimbert: Brushie brushie.



as he walked by (which seemed to create more troubles for his balance), and some just poked him.



Nuke.equestria: He was used to being poked, being carny folk and all.



Ethan watched carefully as the new pony walked to his dorm's doorway, give a loud cheer of triumph, and trot inside. Everyone resumed their daily business, with some people crowding around Jimmy to ask questions.



exnpony: “It’s my daily business to ask Jimmy questions.”



Ethan's mind had been wondering for the last few minutes of Jimmy's first trot. He had been thinking about what will happen when he becomes a pony. Will he enjoy being a herbivore? What if he hates flying? Who will he meet when he goes to Equestria, if he does? Will he miss his feet and opposable thumbs?



Anonymous: Will he regret leaving everyone he ever knew and everything he ever had?

Ezn: Nah, those filthy humans never appreciated him anyway.



Ethan felt like he had taken up a much larger commitment than he had expected. But, he knew it must be done eventually, and got it off his mind come lunchtime.



Nuke.equestria: He never thought changing species would be such a big deal. Oh well, time for lunch.



"Hey, dude, you gonna eat your salad?" A passerby pony asked him at the lunchroom.

Ethan snapped back into reality, "Huh? Oh, no, you can have it."

"Thanks, brah. Not a big fan of dandelions, myself." The pony chuckled, and started to shovel the salad onto his tray with his snout.

"Hey," Ethan asked, with blinding curiosity, "How long have you been a pony? How does it feel?"

"I got ponified yesterday morning. It's a little awkward for the first hour or so, but it gets way easy afterwards. Moving things is still a problem, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. Take it easy, brah." And with that, the pony trotted away, with tray in tow on his back.

Barry retired from his bountiful lunch and turned towards Ethan.



Nuke.equestria: His horn of plenty took up two tables!



"You gotta calm down, man. You're getting all tense over nothing. I know! I'll take you over to the greenhouses! That oughta calm you down."

"There are greenhouses?" Ethan asked,



Nuke.equestria: I thought those were extinct.



only to realize immediately after saying that, that he had seen the greenhouses when he first walked in the other day.

"Of course, stupid! Didn't you see the big glass things outside?" Barry said jokingly, "Let's go!"

Barry energetically grabbed Ethan by the wrist and dragged him out of the lunchroom, just barely leaving Ethan time to throw the rest of his lunch away.

The greenhouse was massive. Despite being an isolated glass case filled with trees,



Ezn: Thank you. I always wondered what a greenhouse was.



the ceiling was no where



Ezn: But some when!



in sight, or at least to Ethan's sight.



Nuke.equestria: Someone else could see it, though.



The trees towered over the rest of the nearby structures, and many pegasi were seen flying overhead, with a look of sheer elation plastered on each of their faces.



Ezn: “My face is stuck this way!”

Vimbert: “Someone help!”



Anyone could tell from where they were standing that these ponies were having the time of their lives.

"Isn't this calming?" Barry asked, hoping to get a positive response from the dazed Ethan, who had been staring up at the pegasi the whole time.



Vimbert: DAT CUTIE MARK.



"Yeah, yeah. Really peaceful." Ethan said, trying his best to pay attention to Barry over the sound of the forest's wildlife. It looked like an amalgamation of every woods that Ethan walked in. There was a muddy creak, a plethora of bugs and small rodents, low and high-hanging branches, and a very humid, post-rainstorm atmosphere throughout.



Anon13: And over there, finally, confirmation of what exactly bears do in the woods.



Finally done with looking up at the winged ponies, Ethan lowered his head with a noticeable crack.



Anonymous: Ethan was then immediately rushed to the hospital.

Ezn: Sadly, he made a full recovery.



"Hey, Barry..." He started, only to see that Barry was distracted talking to a unicorn friend of his near the river. Ethan decided to go on his own and sat down lazily on a nearby rock.

A bush rustled nearby. Not right next to Ethan, but within earshot where he was curious. He heard it again, followed with some light mumbling. From the rock, he rose to investigate. The bushes nearby were bare, but he could still hear the mumbling.



Nuke.equestria: Those damn bushes wouldn’t shut up!



It was clearly a someone, as it sounded like the mumbling was in English.



Anonymous: Because ponies speak French.

Ezn: Only if it’s their special talent!



The source of the mumbling came from a pegasus pony in a thicket just behind the rock. The pegasus had a long, wavy pink mane and a sunny yellow coat. Her blue-green eyes looked distressed and nervous.

"Oh, no. Mr. Squirrel, you shouldn’t sneak into those thorn bushes like that. It's not safe." The pony said quietly, slowly removing a baby squirrel from a thorn bush.

"Excuse me?" Ethan greeted the pony, not as quietly, but just as shy.

The pony gasped, clearly frightened by Ethan's sudden appearance. After hyperventilating for a minute,



Ezn: Ethan has that effect on wom- ponies.



she looked slowly over to where Ethan's voice came from.

"Um...hello..." The pony mumbled.

"Is something wrong?" Ethan asked the pony, worried he'll hurt her feelings.

"Oh, no. Just...um...nothing..." The pony replied, trailing off near the end of the sentence.

"Do you need help at all?" Ethan said, noticing the animals she had previously had in tow running off into the bushes.

"No, no. It's fine...but, you can help...I mean, if you want..."

"Uh, sure."

Ethan and his new friend spent the next hour or so gathering up the animals. It was alot easier than Ethan had expected, and all of the animals seemed very harmless and friendly; very odd behavior for animals that Ethan had been raised to know carried rabies and weren't afraid to bite humans in self-defense. After the last chipmunk was found in a patch of tall grass, Ethan and the pony walked to the rock where they met and Ethan sat down.

"You know, in all of this excitement, I didn't catch your name." Ethan said quizzically.



Ezn: Smooooooooth.



"Oh, I'm Fluttershy...I'm sorry, did I get your name?"

"No, you didn't, don't worry. I'm Ethan. Nice meeting you, Fluttershy."

"Nice meeting you, too. I guess..." Fluttershy replied. Ethan couldn't shake off the fact that Fluttershy seemed to always be so quiet. Even with how friendly they've gotten,



Ezn: She still wouldn’t let him touch her.



where she could finally speak full sentences to him without squeaking in fright, she seemed to be perpetually reclusive.

Suddenly, a blue pegasus pony flew overhead and stopped about ten feet above their heads.

"C'mon, Fluttershy!" she shouted impatiently, "Quit talkin' to your new friend



Ezn: And also that weird guy.



and help me greet the new pegasi! We still need to teach 'em to fly, you know!"

"Oh! Um...coming, Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy called out to the pegasus, then turned to Ethan and smiled at him, as if to say 'bye' without actually saying it, and gently flew away.

Barry arrived seconds later, but unbeknownst to Ethan, had been there the whole time.



Vimbert: I ENJOY SPYING ON YOUR LACK OF A SOCIAL LIFE.

Nuke.equestria: NOBODY EXPECTS BARRY!!!



"Dude, she totally has the hots for you." he said, making Ethan jump off his rock and onto the dirt road.



Ezn: FluttershyxEthan OTP. Don’t let species get in the way of your love.



"Shut up!" Ethan joked as they left the greenhouse.

Chapter 4: According to Plan

From the moment Ethan gained consciousness, there was noise. The sights



Ezn: The noisy sights.

Nuke.equestria: I prefer the nosy sites myself.



were calming, from the sun beating down on his bed from the nearby window, to the warm spring wind blowing lazily into his open window. The sounds, however, were anything but peaceful. Raucous cheering and shouting were heard immediately outside his dorm room, the kind he had heard the day before when Jimmy was being ponified. After finally realizing what he was about to miss, Ethan shot out of his bed, bolted to the door, and yanked it open.



Anonymous: I can't wait to see something that happened in almost the same way everyday since I got here happen again for the umpteenth time!

Ezn: Stability and routine is important for a young Ethan’s psychological wellbeing.



Whomever was being ponified had already walked down the hallway, so people began quieting down. Ethan sat on the hallway floor, curious as to who was being ponified, and if he knew them.



Nuke.equestria: Keep dreaming Ethan. You'll have acquaintances some day.



But suddenly, Ethan noticed something.



Nuke.equestria: For the first time in his life, he paid attention to his surroundings.



The door adjacent to his was wide open, with it's bed and doorway unoccupied, Ethan could have sworn the loud footsteps he heard were much louder than when it was Jimmy's turn, and he hadn't gotten a tap on the shoulder, or a silly remark yet today from a certain friend of his...

"Oh, no." Ethan said out loud to himself.



Ezn: I loved his manly human body! In a brotherly fashion, of course.

Nuke.equestria: We have a perfectly platonic, non-homoerotic relationship.



No one heard him, but it was the only way he could vent his anger towards himself. He just missed seeing Barry as a human for the last time. While this may not be a big deal, considering at least he'd still see him, this was still a life changing event for Barry, and Ethan felt horrible for missing the beginning of it. All he could do was sit and wait for his friend to return.

The inevitable cheering commenced again, after what seemed like centuries for Ethan, as pony Barry trotted down the hallway. His coat was an odd mixture of orange and yellow, making it seem like he might have had a scent like an air freshener.



Vimbert: Ethan wanted to just press his head against Barry and just inhale, take in his scent, in a completely non-gay way.



His brown hair had been almost directly transferred to his mane, even keeping his perpetual bedhead intact.



Ezn: Pony scientists ain’t banging rocks together.



The next thing Ethan noticed was that Barry was a unicorn, and thus would receive training from Twilight sometime today. Ethan pictured Barry attempting magic, and failing horribly, which made him laugh a bit.

"What's so funny? Never seen an attractive pony before?"



Ezn: “Not without a can of bear mace aimed at me.”



Barry had just reached his dorm room door, and was sitting next to Ethan.



Anonymous: "I'm going to sit here silently until you notice me. You never notice me. What does Fluttershy have that I don't?"

Anon13: Two X chromosomes.

Ezn: Believable characterization (in the show, that is).

Nuke.equestria: A personality.



Ethan hadn't noticed Barry's presence,



Pemberton: Which explains why he knew that Barry was a unicorn.

RingmasterJ5: Wait...what?



and jumped a bit at the sight of him, "No, and I still haven't."



Ezn: “Fluttershy’s a dog, maaan!”



They both laughed, then Ethan asked for what seemed like the umpteenth time this week, "How does it feel?"

"I knew you were going to ask me this." Barry said. Ethan still had trouble putting Barry's voice into the pony's mouth,



Ezn: He didn’t have any of those Little Mermaid clam things handy.



but it seemed to fit the look nicely, "It's...new, I'll give ya that. Walking is easier than it looks, but still takes some getting used to. I feel like I'm a midget with four legs, with how short I am now."

"A midget with four legs, and a horn." Ethan corrected Barry.



Anonymous: And a tail. And a mane. And a snout. And giant eyes. And from the way they're describing it, still with two hands.

Ezn: Probably a new “designer model” pony body for discriminating customers.

Anon13: Damn it, everyone forgets the pancreas.



"Have you used it yet?"

Barry looked straight up at his forehead, where the orange appendage stared right back at him.



RingmasterJ5: “Oh shit, that’s not a horn!”



"Not yet. I'd like to, though."

"Try opening that guy's door." Ethan suggested, pointing to a door across the room.

Barry concentrated. Much more than Ethan had ever seen him concentrate on anything, really.



Anon13: Which explains so much about his high school grades.



His horn began to glow a little, lighting up the area around him. The doorknob of the door Ethan suggested began turning slowly,



Nuke.equestria: Barry turned the doorknob on the knobless door.

soFreeKey: They must hand out these practice knobs to new unicorns.



as if it was struggling to open. Suddenly, the door thrust itself open, and slammed against the adjacent wall as it opened. Barry panted heavily, and numerous people clapped and cheered and patted him on the back in congratulations.



Ezn: The force is strong with this one.

Anon13: You just strained yourself doing something that took no effort as a human! Species change FTW!

Anonymous: Congratulations! You've shown that you have very little control over your new abilities!



*******

"Are you sure you want to commit to this?"

"Yes, I'm absolutely sure. I'm confident in his abilities."

Twilight Sparkle looked confidently into the princess's eyes. In all of her years following Celestia, she had never been this willing in her life.



Anon13: No, this is not a clopfic!



She stood her ground before her teacher, who was sitting sternly in her massive throne. While Twilight was almost like a daughter to her, this was a serious discussion, and they treated it as such. Celestia fidgeted in her chair as she thought the plan over.

"This is not normal for a ponification camp, you know. Normally they have to spend another week there to learn how to be a pony,



Anonymous: Lesson one: Being. If you can read this, you are probably doing it right. We will quiz you after recess.



even after the transformation. Why do you want to pull this unicorn out so soon?"

"I think he's much more in touch with his magic than most unicorns I've seen go through this camp. He can already move objects, and control the strength of the magic used, to an extent. I think I should take him...for lack of better saying, under my wing...because we could use him to our advantage."



Ezn: “Think of all the doors we could open!”



Princess Celestia thought for a minute, then surrendered, "Alright. You can bring him. But...what about the other one? Surely you don't want him to come here as a human, do you?"

"Oh, no. I have plans for him. You'll see." Twilight responded.



Nuke.equestria: Twirling her mustache, and laughing evilly.



"I hope you know, I don't like it when you hide things from me." Celestia replied sternly.

"Don't worry, Princess. My intentions are anything but bad. It's just I...haven't really planned what to do with him yet." Twilight said, embarrassed at her lack of organization.



Nuke.equestria: Her plans are... not to have any plans. Brilliant!



"Well, be sure to get him here safely.



Anonymous: You said "Don't worry." You now have my full and total trust in this thing you've told me nothing about.



We don't want any humans running around Equestria willy-nilly like this. Make sure he's a pony when the time comes for him to be."

"Of course."

*******

Ethan couldn't help but be a little sad. He knew this was a good thing for Barry, and to an extent, Earth, but he couldn't shake the fact he'll never see human Barry again.



Anonymous: My friend just went through a permanent change in look and species, and now I might never see him in the same way again. Sadface.

Ezn: This is obviously more traumatic for Ethan, and we should give him our full support.

Anon13: I'd call it more traumatic for the reader...



There were certain things in his mind that made human Barry unique that they can't replicate in a pony. Barry's choice in clothing, for instance. Last year, Barry was infamous for going to the prom in nothing but gym shorts and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt. His girlfriend was mortified,



Pemberton. The most unrealistic character thus far.

Vimbert: Is that what he’s calling his left hand now?

Ezn: *hoof



to say the least. However, Ethan had to embrace this new look for Barry,



Ezn: (enticing as the prom one had been)



and he was glad that at least he kept his personality.



At dinner that afternoon, Barry sat next to Ethan at their usual table closest to the garbage can.



Ezn: Just in case they wanted seconds.



Barry visibly had some difficulty sitting in his new quadrupedal form, but an Earth pony next to him helped him to sit up straight. It looked awkward a first, but Barry seemed to get more comfortable as time went on.

"First pony meal. You ready?" Ethan teased Barry, who was staring nervously at the hay fries before him.



Nuke.equestria: These ponies really need to expand their culinary horizons. Are hay fries and flower sandwiches the best they can do? Why is everyone in a rush to ponify?



Barry gulped loudly, and silently lifted the bundle of hay with his magic. Moving it towards his mouth, Barry took a small nibble, just enough to get the taste out of it. Suddenly, Barry's eyes widened.

"...Why..." Barry said, shaking in his seat.

"Barry? You alright?"

"Why...do I like this so much?!"



Vimbert: They lace the hay with drugs for your first week or so free of charge. After you’re nice and addicted, BAM! Monthly payments.



And Barry kept eating the hay, visibly enjoying it.

Ethan gagged a bit, and resumed eating his beef jerky.



nuke.equestria: Invisibly enjoying it.

Anonymous: Made from the good citizens of Wiscownsin who had generously donated their bodies to feed the humans.



The loudspeaker turned on with a start and caught the attention of the entire lunchroom. Humans and ponies stared up at the speaker near the doorway to wait for it's message.

"Err, howdy there, ev'ryone." The speaker began in a noticeable southern drawl, "Now how does Pinkie do this again? Oh, right. Can Ethan Mc...McCullugg, please come to the pony-transformification room? I think it's yer turn, or somethin'. Thanks."



Nuke.equestria: Sorry, that was supposed to be Ethan McCulluggg. With 3 g's.



Barry elbowed Ethan as hard as he could with his front hoof.



Anon13: Elbowed with his hoof? Did he then headbutt him with his flank? Damn, I need to learn anatomy better...



Ethan was frozen for at least thirty seconds before slowly getting up. Every single thing with eyes was using them to stare right at Ethan at that moment.



Anon13: Including some of the "Chinese food".



It was as if Ethan were naked right now. It was his worst nightmare.



Anonymous: Soon, he'll be naked then, and it'll be a dream come true.



There was no cheering.



Ezn: Only rocks.



Usually these announcements are made in the mornings, and for one to happen this late is very odd. Ethan walked quickly out of the room, so as to avoid anymore unnecessary attention. The lunchroom's conversations started up again as soon as he left.

Everyone (and everypony) was staring at Ethan as he walked down the empty hallways and into the atrium, where the small, unnoticeable door to the ponification room was visible next to the receptionist's desk. The door was labeled "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY". Ethan could only assume he was 'authorized' enough to go in, so he did.



Vimbert: Only to be torn to shreds by the guards on the other side.



On the immediate other side of the door was a bright pink earth pony with an equally pink curly mane. She seemed to have a perpetual smile on her face.



soFreeKey: Ethan had been watching her sleep.



"SHHH! This way!" She whispered. Ethan could recognize the voice from somewhere, but he couldn't put his finger on it. As they walked down the dark, claustrophobic hallway, Ethan got more and more curious as to what was going to happen. He had already come to terms with the fact that these will be his last moments as a human, but he still needed some reassurance that he'll be safe, and it won't be a risky procedure.

"Um..." he began, almost sounding like Fluttershy.

"I said "SHH"! We have to be quiiieeet!" The pink pony replied immediately, startling Ethan.

"Can you at least tell me where we're going?" Ethan persisted.

"To the pony room, silly! Where else would we be going?"



Ezn: Yeah Ethan, that was pretty retarded, even for you.



Ethan soon realized she was right. The pony pushed open the knobless door to reveal what looked eerily like a doctor's office. There was a small, cushioned bench with sterile paper on it, and a desk opposite the bench with numerous doctor's accoutrements laid out in a very neat fashion. A pony-sized, clean doctor's robe was draped on the hanger on the door. The silence in the room was ominous.

"Wait here." The pony said, sounding like she was in some sort of infiltration mission. Ethan obeyed, and sat quietly on the bench. Thankfully, it wasn't long before the doctor came from the door next to the desk. The doctor was a unicorn mare with flowing violet-blue hair and a light-gray coat. She looked very well-groomed and clean.

"Right. Let's get this over with. I have a salon appointment at 7 that I simply cannot miss." Before Ethan could speak, the pony continued, "I'm Rarity, and I will be your ponificator today. Are you feeling any stress at this moment?"



Nuke.equestria: Instead of a one off character, Rarity is now a doctor. Not enough room in the budget?

Anonymous: Redheart and Colgate were busy doing other things in other fics, and could not make the filming at the time.

Anon13: Lucky bastards.



Ethan, taking the cue, started talking, "Err, no. I'm a little nervous, but..."

"Oh, darling, that's normal. There's nothing to worry about. This will be quick and painless, and it'll be over before you can say 'fabulous'!"



Pemberton: “Fabulous,” a word that Ethan had been described by for many a year.



Rarity laughed at her own joke,



Ezn: I think the author needs to get a better understanding of this word “joke”.

Vimbert: “What is this thing you call ‘humor’?”

Nuke.equestria: You see, when a man and a woman really love each other...



then began to use her magic to summon some doctors tools to her side. She began looking into Ethan's eyes, ears, mouth, and (oddly enough) his nose with a light, and started making awkward small talk.

"So, you are being ponificated awfully late. Any idea why, Ethan?"

"Uh, well, no. I was just called down here during dinner. I thought these things usually happen in the mornings."

"They do. I'm not even sure myself why you are here. But, alas, here you are."



Anon13: This whole species-changing thing is SUCH a bother.



Rarity put the tools down and retrieved a paper cup filled with a purple, viscous liquid, and a syringe. Ethan cringed at the sight of the needle, as he was deathly afraid of them.

Rarity got uncomfortably close to Ethan. "All right, now lay down on the bench, and drink this." She said, handing him the cup gently.



Anonymous: She then walked about on two legs, holding the needle in her hands and measuring how much goop she'd need to ponify him.



"What is it?"

"It's a sedative to help you sleep. Think of it as anesthesia in a cup. It will make this whole process so much easier for both of us, trust me."

Ethan nervously took a gulp of the liquid. It tasted like grape jelly, and was about as goopy, but he soon emptied the cup. He could already feel the sedative kicking in as he set the cup down on the table nearby and laid his head on the bench. Rarity walked up to him and lightly prodded the needle into his upper arm. Ethan didn't feel a thing, and a few seconds later, he was unconscious.



Vimbert: YOU GONNA GET RAPED.



Chapter 5: In Which Something Else Happens



Ezn: We’re not even bothering with this stuff anymore.



Grass. He was laying in grass.



Anonymous: Six feet inside, to be exact.



He could feel the cold, damp dirt on his back,



Ezn: And also the grass, in case you forgot that was there too.



and his face was being tickled by the soft breeze. Ethan opened his eyes to nothing, realizing it was the dead of night, and he was still human. What had happened, he had no idea what. All he knew was that he wasn't a pony, and he was nowhere near the camp.



Nuke.equestria: Haha! My escape plan had worked!

Anon13: "I am not a pony, I am a FREE MAN!"



He rose to investigate.

There was a highway nearby, with cars zipping past. The once-soft breeze now felt alot stronger when Ethan stood on his two feet, and he almost fell a few times while trying to walk. The sedative Rarity had given him



Ezn: That, and the other things she’d done.



was probably still affecting his movement, he suspected, and walked deeper into the grass.

As he plunged deeper into the grass, Ethan could hear voices echoing. He wasn't totally sure whose voices they were, but they sounded familiar. They were calling his name, but not in the cliche mysterious, spooky, ghost-sounding way; in an urgent, rushed, and even scared way.



Nuke.equestria: So, in the other cliched manner?



Ethan felt like he needed to come after these voices, as they grew louder as he ran deeper into the now waist-high grass.

"ETHAN! WAKE UP!"

Ethan felt a hard slap to his face as he woke up from the dream. His eyes shot open and he looked around. He was in a huge library, with books lining every wall, and the ceilings reaching higher than any library he had ever seen. A familiar purple pony was looking at him, annoyed, but worried.

"Oh, thank Celestia, you're awake!" Twilight said, relieved that Ethan was alive.



Ezn: “We have a pretty low success rate. It’s surprising how many people still go for it.”



The unicorn trotted to her desk across the expansive main room.

"Wha...? Where am I, Twilight?" Ethan mumbled. His voice sounded slurred, as if he had been on novocaine from the dentist's office.



Ezn: Not a doctor’s office this time? The plot thickens.



"You're in my library. I've brought you to Equestria."



Anonymous: Twilight Sparkle: In addition to being a grad student under Princess Celestia, she's working as librarian, human center receptionist, and teacher for newly unicornified humans to pay off student loans.

Ezn: Unicorns truly are the master race.



After hearing that, Ethan drew his own conclusions as to what had happened to him.



Ezn: And made a mental note to lock himself in the bathroom to contemplate it further.



He struggled to raise his head, and look at the body that he now had.

He had a light navy blue coat, with a blonde tail to match his mane. Again, his mane was almost identical to his hair as a human, and had kept it's light blonde hue.



Ezn: No, really?

Anonymous: Blonde on navy? Rarity would not approve.

Ezn: “So garish!”



The next thing he noticed was his wings, which opened at Ethan's will



Ezn: Even though they were lying in a pool of blood on the other side of the room.



as he stared at them, mesmerized. Twilight walked back to the bed Ethan was laying on, and started poking him in different random places.



Ezn: “A pony is touching me! A girl is touching me! My life is complete!”



"Well, the ponification seemed to have worked like a charm." Twilight said astutely.

"Why am I here?



Ezn: The transformation has brought out a more philosophical side of our dear Ethan.



Shouldn't I be back at the camp, or something?"

"I'll explain in a minute, I need to wait for the others to get here." She responded. Twilight sounded a little rushed at this point, as if she really didn't want to talk right now.

Ethan could faintly hear snoring in another room, but he paid no attention to it, assuming it was another roomie of Twilight's. He got up slowly, landing on his stomach in the process. He put one hoof on the ground, then another. Soon he was standing, albeit very rigidly, afraid to move. The standing was very easy to get used to,



Nuke.equestria: The falling on the other hand...



and Ethan compared it to learning to skate or ride a bike in his head.



Anon13: Which hopefully will go much better than the time he tried to skateboard in his rib cage.



Walking was a different story. Having four legs to worry about now was the biggest difficulty, and he sometimes forgot to move one of the legs the first few steps he took. However, learning to walk was a breeze after a few minutes of pacing around the library.

Twilight looked back at Ethan and noticed he was finally walking. She nodded with approval, "Don't try flying yet. I don't want you knocking over any books. Spike just cleaned up." She warned him, before returning to the big book laid out on her desk.

Ethan, kind of distraught that he can't fly yet,



Ezn: Hard as it was to tell with all these tense changes.



resumed walking around the library. Suddenly, Ethan and Twilight heard a light tapping on the door, much too quiet to be a knock. If it had not been deathly silent in the room,



Nuke.equestria: Twilight's library doubles as a funeral home.



they would not have heard it. Twilight trotted over to the door and opened it softly.



Nuke.equestria: It didn't like it rough, unlike those other doors.



Fluttershy came in nervously, then noticed that Twilight and Ethan were the only ones around, and was a little relieved.

"Oh, um...hello, Twilight. Who is this pony?"

"That's Ethan, remember?" Twilight said, hinting at something Ethan couldn't make heads or tails about.

"Oh, I see it now! I'm sorry, the last time I saw him, he was human...Ethan, how is it being a pony?"



Anonymous: How is it having to relearn all the basic motor functions you developed at an age you were too young to remember?



"It's...odd. I'm getting used to it, though."

"Good! That's wonderful." Fluttershy seemed much more comfortable knowing the pony was Ethan.



Ezn: Her good buddy from less than a day ago.



"Do you know when the others are coming over?"

"I think they're all coming in a group. Rainbow Dash is probably going to come here first, because she's so fast." Fluttershy said matter-of-factly.

After a short pause, Fluttershy looked off into the distance, then focused on Ethan's wings, "Oh! You're a pegasus?"



Vimbert: Derpy, did you disguise yourself as Fluttershy again?



"Yeah, I guess I am." Ethan said, almost boastfully.



Ezn: “That means we can date!” “Really?” “No.”



"That's great! We should fly sometime...oh, I mean...if you're free...um..." Then Fluttershy let out a little squeek.



Pemberton: This author once again displays his mastery in the field of subtle romance.

Ezn: “Oh darn, now I have to catch that naughty squeek again.”

Nuke.equestria: Remember kids, all you need for true love is one awkward conversation.



The door knocked again,



Vimbert: I will free myself from this prison. No longer will I be stuck between two worlds, never truly outside of or within the library. I, the door, shall be... free.



breaking the increasingly awkward silence between the two ponies. The door opened, then four other ponies trotted in one by one. Ethan recognized three of them from the camp, but the fourth was a complete mystery,



Ezn: Wrapped in an enigma.

Nuke.equestria: And served with a light garnish.



and the look on his face made it obvious. The fourth pony, an orange earth pony with a straight blonde mane and a cowboy hat, walked up to Ethan, firmly gripped his hoof and shook it.

"No need to be confused, mister. I'm



Ezn: - The Horse With No Name -



Applejack. You must be Ethan. Pleasure to make your acquaintance." The pony said, and Ethan finally realized who she was.

"Oh! You're the one who called me down during dinner on the speaker!" Ethan said.

"Yessir. Pinkie Pie normally does that stuff, but she was helping Rarity prep the pony-transformin' doohicky, so I had to do it. Glad to finally meet you."



Ezn: “Now I can snap that photo for the sex offender registry!”



The rainbow-maned pegasus flew up to Ethan, seeming to prefer flying than walking, and stared at Ethan's wings.

"Awesome! You're a pegasus, too! I should totally teach you how to fly, I could show you all of my awesome flying tricks!"

Twilight got up from her desk and turned on the lights in the library, "Now, now, Rainbow Dash.



Ezn: “Don’t get too close, he might still have some human cells in him. Their evil is contagious, you know?”



Let's not rush our new friend. Everyone take a seat while I wake Spike up."

As the six ponies quietly found the closest chairs and took a seat near Twilight's desk, they could hear a rather annoyed Twilight waking up what Ethan assumed was Spike from upstairs.

"Spike...Spike...SPIKE!" Twilight said loudly, and a thud was heard.

"Hunh? I'm up, I'm up...jeez..." A second voice replied groggily.



Anon13: Ethan then realized how rich he could get re-inventing the alarm clock.



"Ethan's here, we're going to do the thing."

"The thing?" Spike asked, dumbfounded.



Anon13: With the stuff? For the guy?



Twilight let out a heavy sigh, "The mission briefing."

"Oh! That thing! Why didn't you just say so? I'll be right down."

Twilight came down the ladder, and a purple and green baby dragon followed,



Ezn: And then Spike came down and kicked his lookalike out of the house.



holding a pillow in one arm, and his nightcap in another.



Anon13: Which in his case meant tequila.



Spike took a seat next to Ethan, and Twilight returned to her desk, shuffling a few papers before beginning.

"Alright, I'm sure you all know why we're here."

A silence followed this statement, only to be broken by Pinkie Pie.

"Oh! Oh! I love guessing games! Uhhh...are we here to have a tea party? No! Are we here to...eat cupcakes and tell spooky stories? Waitwaitwait! Are we here to-"

Applejack muffled Pinkie's speech by putting her hoof in Pinkie's mouth until she shut up.



Ezn: “Codsarnit Pinkie, stop biting!”



"Go on, Twilight." Applejack said, before removing the hoof.

"Thank you. Well, that was the answer I was expecting, anyway.



Ezn: “We ARE going to have a tea party and make Ethan into cupcakes!”

Vimbert: Best. Ending. EVER.



I haven't informed anyone about what we're doing today except Spike."



Anonymous: Twilight Sparkle’s master plan involves no one actually knowing what the plan is. Not even the ones involved. Especially not the ones involved.



Twilight then retrieved a map of the world from her desk, and presented it to the ponies, much like she did at the seminar when Ethan first met her, "Now, we all know that the humans are trying to get their people turned into ponies, so they can move in with us here in Equestria." She pointed to the small island adjacent to the east coast of the United States, "Does anyone know why?"



Anonymous: Equestria is now Long Island.



"Sure I do!" Rainbow Dash blurted out, "It's because they didn't know how to control their greedy, fat butts from getting too greedy and fat for their own good, and now they're gonna dump all of the people over here!"



Vimbert: So, first Equestria was over-crowded, and now it needs more ponies? WAIT, clearly Ethan has entered an alternate universe!



Rainbow then looked at Ethan, who was a little shocked, "Er, present company excluded, of course."

"It's fine, Rainbow Dash. I know us humans have trouble controlling their stubborn pride.



Pemberton: The same pride that might cause me to label my entire species as evil and hold myself in higher regard.



All they want is more of everything. More money, more food, more industry and pollution.



Vimbert: Elect me. I’ll give you more of what you want: Pollution!



There's no reason behind it but blind greed and hatred."



Vimbert: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF YOU ON THE INSIDE. Let us kill the inferior humans!



"Exactly, Ethan. Very well put."



ezpony: Your bigotry warms my kind and perfect heart.



Twilight added, "And that's why they want this happening. Now, there's nothing wrong with turning into a pony. You lose that 'human nature' that keeps you greedy and selfish,



Vimbert: My little racist, my little racist, AHHHH~

I used to wonder what prejudice could be, (My little racist)

Until filthy humans shared it with me...



and you become more carefree and friendly. Ethan and Barry would understand this more than anypony here, since they were humans only yesterday."



Anonymous: And of course, being turned into ponies instantly removes one’s “human nature.”



"So, what is our problem with them? Can't we just simply let them come here? I see nothing wrong with that." Rarity said, genuinely curious.

"Well, no one is volunteering to be ponified.



Vimbert: Except for the people that are.



People are too afraid to abandon their fleshy ape-bodies to live the pony life.



Anon13: OK, Twilight? YOU SUCK AT DIPLOMACY. LET SOMEONE ELSE DO THIS.



They feel like the process in itself is way too risky to give a shot, even though tests have been made over the past ten years to confirm to the public that the process is completely harmless."



Ezn: “It’s not because thumbs rock and there’s anyone who WANTS to be a human, not at all.”

Nuke.equestria: You poor deluded fool. We'd have nothing if it weren't for ponies. They wisely sealed themselves way so that we would learn to cope with disease, famine, and pollution. If they hadn't kept their magic from us, we wouldn't have the overpopulated, trash ridden utopia we do today.



"So, how is this bad for us?" Rainbow queried, "Let them stay in that manure-hole they live in, and we'll just hang out with all of the cool new ponies



Ezn: Rarity is trying to be hip with today’s fresh youth lingo trends.

RingmasterJ5: Uhh, don’t you mean Rainbow?

Anon9: Derp. This is what happens when you read this story too long, kids.



comin' in!"

"That's the problem. They don't want to stay on their, quote, 'manure hole'.



GelidEnmity: But I’ve heard Manure Hole has a vacancy!



They want to live in Equestria, without going through the effort of becoming a pony, and abandoning their pride."

Pinkie Pie piped up, "But what's so bad about that? Human bodies are icky and big and ugly



Anon13: Especially Ethan's!



and...and mean! Humans are mean!"

"Well, they are." Ethan said, "But you have to put things in the humans' perspective. Lush, green fields perfect for farming? Nice neighbors? Weather always under control? Think of the money they could rake in from selling houses in Equestria!"



Anonymous: Think of the money the ponies could rake in from selling houses to humans in Equestria!



The other ponies looked at Ethan with a look of disdain.



Ezn: KILL.

Vimbert: We wish.



"Oh! I think I got a little too into that, I'm sorry. That's not what I think, it's what they think!"

"He is right.



Anonymous: He's right, because he—a teenage boy who doesn't know what he wants to do in the next fifteen minutes, let alone his life—is the best candidate to speak for the other eight billion humans.



And that's exactly what the humans plan on doing. They want to move into Equestria, human form and all,



Ezn: So I guess someone doesn’t like them HiE fics...



and ruin the sanctity and peace-of-mind that this land has come to embrace over the last century!"



soFreeKey: Don’t get me started on the other centuries...



Twilight



Ezn: *Blaze



was clearly getting riled up about this conversation.

"Woah, woah there, sugarcube." Applejack said, attempting to calm Twilight down, "Isn't there some kinda magic force field thingy protecting Equestria from the humans?"



Ezn: “Please continue to shower us with your exposition!”



Twilight took a few breaths, regaining her composure, "Yes, Applejack. But the technology the humans have made over the last few decades may be able to counteract the magic surrounding the land. Think about it, if they can turn humans into ponies, they can get humans here no problem."



Nuke.equestria: Because all of humanity wants to move to a rinky-dink island with no indoor plumbing.

Anonymous: And because the ponies want to actively help the humans do so.



Ethan could hear the collective gulp the other ponies made, including him.



Anonymous: Collective gulp! So dramatic!



Finally, he mustered up the strength to break the silence in the room.

"So, why am I here?"

"I'm glad you asked, Ethan. You're here because you know the ways of the humans. You know how they think. You



Ezn: And countless other humans-turned-ponies,



can get into their heads in ways that us ponies just wouldn't be able to."

"What about Barry? Should he be here?"

"He already heard all of this. In fact, he helped me bring you here. At the moment, he's in Whitetail Wood practicing his magic abilities. I brought him not only because he's very competent in magic for a pony, let alone a former human, but because I felt like you needed a friend to accompany you. Another human."



Ezn: “You guys can kick puppies together, or whatever it is humans do for fun.”



Ethan couldn't help but feel emotionally charged



GelidEnmity: His emotional battery was running low.



from that reasoning. But he was still confused as to what his job was.



GelidEnmity: He got a JOB!?



"Do you have a plan in mind? How will we go about stopping the humans if we don't know when they will come after us?"



Anon13: And please don't be concerned that I'm abandoning the species I was born into after just a good talking to. I'll be loyal to you, no problem!



"Well, I haven't come up with an exact plan yet, but I think what we should worry about now is you getting your pony legs.



Ezn: Out of that chest in the corner.



Spend tomorrow learning the ropes of being a pony, and a pegasus at that.



Ezn: And then the next day you can learn to be a pony instead of screwing around with ropes.



Rainbow Dash, I'll leave Ethan with you to teach him how to fly..."

"Can I help, too?"

Everypony in the room turned to look at Fluttershy in disbelief.



Anonymous: Ethan emits a reality distortion field that draws anyone he has interest in to him. In a week, he will have half of Ponyville in his harem, and they will declare him savior of Equestria for no good reason.



"Um, I mean, if it's o-okay with Ethan, that is...um..."

"It's fine, Fluttershy. You can help Rainbow teach me how to fly." Ethan said reassuringly.

"Oh, okay." Fluttershy said, with more confidence.



After a short silence, Ethan got up from his chair dramatically.



Anonymous: In slow motion, almost falling over but diving into a roll.



"Let's do this."



Ezn: Let’s MAKE this happen.



Pinkie Pie got up in a similar fashion, "Oh, boy! Here we go!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Um, I mean...if you don’t mind...



Vimbert: I do, actually.



Chapter 6: The Effects of ADHD on Equines



Vimbert: Oh, praise be. Finally we’ll move to the true main character of this piece: Pinkie Pie!



Ethan and Rainbow Dash trotted out to the open field the next day to begin Ethan's pegasus training.



Ezn: Lesson 1: A pegasus’s proper place in society is above the filthy earth ponies, but slightly below the elite unicorn master race.



Ethan, still getting used to walking,



GelidEnmity: After getting his lazy ass outta that office chair in front of a computer screen...



let alone using his wings at all, was still apprehensive.

"Oh, jeez." Ethan said out loud. He looked at his wings, twitching at the thought of flying, then looking up at the clear sky above them. He could feel the pit in his stomach growing more and more upset with him, the more he thought about flying.

"So, you ready for your first lesson on flying?" Rainbow said, seeing the fear in Ethan's eyes.

"Uh, y-yeah. S-sure." Talking about it didn't seem to help the situation at all, much to Ethan's dismay. Fluttershy not being there for moral support didn't help either, since she had to run off and care for her baby animals.

"Okay, to start things off, open your wings. You kinda need them open in order to fly, you see."



Ezn: ”It’s a pretty advanced technique, but I think you’re ready!”



Rainbow said, pretending to be her least favorite flight school instructor in the process.



Anonymous: She will leer at Ethan as he’s showering off after gym class.

Vimbert: Wait, I thought that one was Dash’s FAVORITE instructor?



Ethan stared at his wings as they instinctively opened, showing their full feathered glory. He looked at Rainbow with a toothy smile, now a little more confident he won't crash.

"Good. Now, this next part is hard to explain." Rainbow thought for a second. "Just start running as fast as you can



Anon13: Then throw yourself at the ground, and miss!



, flap those wings of yours,



GelidEnmity: flap flap flap



and jump. Honestly, that's as simple as I can put it."

Seeing Ethan's fearful look returning, Rainbow decided to tease the new pegasus. "Hey, you ain't nervous, are ya?"

"N-no! Not at all! It'll be like r-riding a b-bike!" Ethan stammered back, pulling off the most fake-sounding laugh Rainbow had ever heard.

Rainbow Dash put her hooves on the sides of her head, massaging her temples, "This is going to be a long day..."



*******



If Twilight read another word from one of her books, she was pretty sure she would explode.



Ezn: Because, as we all know, Twilight hates reading. This is a fact.

Anonymous: Fact: If the number of words Twilight reads a day surpasses a certain value, they exert too much pressure on Twilight, causing her to burst.



Spending all of last night reading up on humans seemed to have put her mind up in a bunch, and her bed seemed to beckon to her like a muffin to Derpy.

Twilight closed The Egghead's Guide to Primates



Anon13: Subtitle: Equines Uber Alles



and piled it up with the other books to her right. Seeing the desk this empty was a rare sight, so she decided to cease the opportunity by putting her head down on it in frustration, drawing an audible groan as



Vimbert: Twilight enjoys modern art in her free time.



she did so.

Spike walked in, very much awake, having returned from his morning stroll to



Ezn: Moar like back from, amirite? Spike’s da man, and we all know it.



Rarity's boutique.

"Is something wrong, Twilight?" Spike asked, more curious than concerned.

"Ugh. I can't read anymore." Twilight replied from the desk bluntly.



Ezn: “Not now that I’ve found modern art, my true calling!”



Spike gasped, "What?! This is inconceivable!



Anonymous: It really is.



Sound the alarm! Call a hospital!" He shouted, before falling into a heap of laughter. Twilight got up from her seat and magiked



Ezn: Today I learnt that “magicked” is actually a word. “Magiked”, however...



Spike up to a standing position again and waited for him to finish.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But listen, Spike. This reading is integral to the safety of the pony race. I need to put as much effort as I can to helping Equestria."

"I still don't see the problem here. Humans don't seem that bad to me. Those two guys seem nice."

"They are, Spike. But the people we're up against aren't."

"And who are they?"

"I...I'm not sure. I know that it isn't just all humans. It doesn't seem right."

"But, that's what it seemed like you were saying to everyone last night. You were pretty excited about it, too."

"That was just to get people riled up. I was tired, I didn't know what I was saying."

Spike could see Twilight was looking for excuses. "Are you sure?"



Ezn: “Nah, just kiddin’. Humans are scum!”



Twilight surrendered, and gave a heavy sigh. "I don't know, Spike. That job at the camp really got me thinking. With the amount of people willing to just out and abandon their former lives like that, you can't help but feel bad for them, you know?"



Ezn: “We can’t all be born right.”



"I...think I know what you're saying."

"I mean...humans aren't all bad. Some just need to be pointed in the right direction,



Ezn: “...to a ponification camp!” “Hi-five!”



is all. Whatever that direction is, I'm not sure. But I think I need some time to think about this on my own."



A loud, heavy object slammed into the frame of the library. The crash shook the door open, revealing a disoriented Ethan laying near the doorstep. He wobbled to get up.



Ezn: All the cool kids are doing it these days.



"Did I do it?" Ethan shouted, clearly very dizzy.

"Almost! Just work on the steering!" Rainbow Dash shouted back, holding back laughter.



Ezn: “No Laughter! Don’t kill him! His blood is mine!”



"Got it!" He replied, and flew off.

Spike walked over to the door to shut it, but was interrupted by a distressed Rarity who galloped up to the doorway faster than either of them have seen the unicorn gallop in their lives. She looked frazzled and annoyed, but at the same time very worried.

"I've lost Barry!" She shrieked, before collapsing onto the library floor.



Ezn: Overcome with joy.



"What?!" Twilight said in disbelief. "What happened?"

Ethan, hearing the distressed Rarity from outside, galloped inside to listen in.

Rarity regained her composure, "Well, we were practicing magic near my boutique, and I had mentioned how simply horrifying the Everfree Forest can be. I told him not to go there, because it was filled with horrid, disgusting creatures,



Pemberton: LIKE THOSE GOD-AWFUL AVARICE-INFLICTED HUMANS.



and it's far too dangerous for a beginner unicorn such as himself. And then...and then..."

"Then what?" Twilight said, desperate for an answer.

"Then he ran into the forest!" Rarity said, having difficulty comprehending the situation at hand. "He said something about 'fighting all of the cool monsters in there', and just...stormed off! He was rather rude about it, too!"

Ethan chimed in. "'Cool monsters'? That definitely sounds like something Barry would enjoy. He loves putting his life at risk like that."



Pemberton: Like that time he walked through New Orleans in full Ku Klux Klan regalia.



He then turned to Twilight. "What's so dangerous about this forest?"

"Everything. The creatures in there are unimaginably violent and dangerous, and the forest itself is so dark and big, it's incredibly easy to get lost in."



GelidEnmity: *chuckles*



Before anyone could say anything else, the group set off into the Everfree Forest. They didn't want to waste any time, because another minute wasted could be another mile deep Barry could be in the forest.

The forest, compared to the other sights and sounds of Equestria he had seen, was very different. The plant life was overgrown and unkempt, and seemed to want to block off the easiest ways out of the forest. There also was a perpetual fog around the area, and no matter how bright and sunny it was outside the forest, it was dark and spooky inside.



Anon13: Which is why the ponies knew it by another name: Home of Cliches.



Twilight, Rarity, and Spike were on foot, trudging through the thorny bushes and tall grass, while Rainbow Dash and Ethan stayed in the air. Ethan was just barely keeping up, but he seemed to be getting the hang of flying.

Ethan, for one, was elated.



Ezn: Barry was finally getting what he deserved for denying their love.

Nuke.equestria: Normal brotherly love.



While hovering carefully above the ground, flapping his wings slowly like Rainbow showed him, he pictured the potential things he could be doing with these wings. He can soar through the clouds, and travel anywhere faster than most anything else. Ethan loved this feeling of freedom flowing through him, but he was still iffy about the lack of thumbs. Just something else to get used to, he thought.



"GUYS! CHECK THIS OUT!"



GelidEnmity: “...I found this weird balloon on the ground!”



The group immediately heard the enthusiastic shouting of a certain unicorn coming a short distance ahead of them, and they ran towards the noise.

Barry was standing near a tall, endlessly steep cliff,



Nuke.equestria: You get an endlessly steep cliff by taking a normally steep one and dividing by zero.



and using his magic to fire sparks into the air.

"Look at what I can do! Now when those weirdo animals come after me, I can zap them with this magic stuff! Isn't this awesome?"

"Barry, what are you doing?! Let's get out of here before you get yourself killed!" Twilight said, sounding like an overprotective mother.

"But isn't this cool?" Barry said, totally oblivious. Every sentence he said sounded like famous last words to Ethan, and the thought of Barry falling to his death made him cringe.



Vimbert: They hadn’t even consummated their forbidden love yet!

Nuke.equestria: Forbidden Manly love.



Soon, his visions came to a reality. Barry fired a particularly large bolt of magic onto a nearby tree, causing two massive branches to fall from it. The bigger of the two hit Rainbow Dash, pinning her to the ground.



Vimbert: Oh, how goddamned convenient.



The other hit Barry, whacking him off the cliff.



Anon13: Fortunately he recovered quickly, since he'd spent years whacking off.



Ethan's mind was racing. He just learned to fly an hour ago. Does he have the kind of skill needed to save his friend from dying?



Vimbert: He shouldn’t.



Can he still save him in time?



Vimbert: Probably.



What if he doesn't save him?



Vimbert: Won’t happen, not in THIS story.

Nuke.equestria: But we can dream.



What will happen then? Ethan looked to his new friends quickly, but they were watching Barry falling down



Vimbert: “Should we help him?” “Nah.”



the seemingly bottomless ravine, and didn't notice Rainbow Dash at all. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Barry falling, Rainbow Dash struggling to get out from under the branch pinning her down, and Ethan just standing there, watching his friend fall to his doom, all because he wasn't there for him in the first place...

What happened next was a blur. He felt like he wasn't in control of his body anymore,



Ezn: At least Blaze can admit to his authorial puppeteering.



and the only thing that kept him going was his gut. Ethan hopped off the edge of the cliff and spread his wings. Soaring like a professional would, Ethan put his hooves at his sides, like a bullet,



Ezn: Bullets always put their hooves at their sides.



and shot down to Barry. At the speed he was going, he was sure he couldn't have possibly been able to grab his friend in time, but somehow he did, catching him just before he hit the ground below. As he carefully flew back up, friend in tow, he realized that they both had been screaming the entire time. Ethan was just as afraid for his friend's life as Barry himself was. The ponies cheered as the hyperventilating



Ezn: Screaming is soooo half a second ago.



pegasus carried his friend to safety in the grass.

"I...I d-did it!" Ethan finally said, taking short, staggered breaths. He set Barry onto the ground.

Barry slowly opened his eyes and looked up at his savior.



Vimbert: Their eyes met. It was magical... it was special. Ethan had to stop himself from taking the adorably vulnerable Barry right then and there.



"You alright, buddy?" Ethan said nonchalantly.

"...I can be such an idiot sometimes." Barry joked.



Pemberton: “Take me, Ethan.”



Twilight and Rarity worked together to magik the branch off of Rainbow Dash, who looked particularly relieved to finally be able to move. She then looked at Ethan with the biggest smile he's seen her give him all day.

"You know, I thought you were pathetic when you were learning to fly this morning."

"I thought so. I'm still pathetic,



Vimbert: Well, at least he’s honest.



I just got lucky." Ethan said humbly.



Pemberton: AND HE’S HUMBLE, TOO. PRAISE BE TO SAINT ETHAN.



"No! Don't say that! Listen, you have the potential to be a great flier, you just need some practice."

"I'm sure. Thanks for teaching me, Rainbow."

Twilight trotted up to the two pegasi with a smile,



Ezn: “You guys want this smile? I’m not doing anything with it.”



"Alright, everypony. We need to get back soon. It's getting late, and I don't want to get attacked by the Everfree Forest's nighttime creatures."



As Twilight and the gang trotted back, Ethan couldn't help but realize how much more peaceful it was in Equestria. Living 17 years in the hustle and bustle of a suburban ghetto he called home, he wasn't used to the hushed silence that fell upon Ponyville when night time started setting in. The environment around them was much cleaner, and it felt like one of the few places Ethan had known of that he wasn't afraid to drink the tap water. In town, the ponies were talking calmly about the events of the day, making idle chit-chat with their friends, and there wasn't a frown in sight. While some may see it as inhuman, Ethan saw it as perfect.



Ezn: The drugs hadn’t worn off yet.



Barry could see Ethan drifting off into space, as he always did. "Earth to Ethan! Do you read?" He said, putting his hooves up to his mouth to put a walkie-talkie effect on his voice.

Ethan didn't reply. He was too busy staring at the moon.



Vimbert: DAT CRATER.



*******



Princess Luna sat at her balcony, concentrating on raising the moon with her magic. As the moon casually listed it's way



Nuke.equestria: Man, is that moon wasted!



into the sky to begin the night, Princess Celestia watched as her younger sister performed her duties as she had done many nights before.

"Another job well done, Luna."

"Thanks, sister. I'm glad you like it." Luna said, proud of her work.

"I love your nights. No matter how many times I had raised the moon, I could never have done it quite like you did."



Ezn: But that’s probably because you were weighing it down. A thousand years and you couldn’t lose any of that baby fat?”



"I think the same way with your days. Whenever I see you raise the sun in the mornings, I could never imagine me doing your job the way you do it. Your days are perfect."

Celestia smiled. Suddenly, breaking the silence between them, the door to the balcony opened with a start to a castle guard.



Anon13: Two other doors opened, one with the middle to a castle guard, and one with the end to a castle guard. (Big guard.)



"Princess Celestia, there is a visitor from the United States. She says that talking to you now is urgent."

"The United States? How did they get into Equestria?" Celestia said, remembering the magical border separating the humans from the ponies.

"She didn't. She wishes to communicate through magic." The guard replied.

The princess paused, only to think about what to say, "Very well. I will talk to her. Thank you." And sent the guard away.



GelidEnmity: “Ah, now to stare at pictures of the Princess that I just HAPPENED to find in her closet.”



Luna looked up at Celestia with a nervous look on her face. "You are going to talk to the humans?"



Ezn: “I wasn’t aware they could speak.”



"I have to. I think I know what she wants now."



Using the magic emanating from her magnificent horn,



Pemberton: I MEAN THIS HORN IS NICE, FOLKS.



Celestia formed a glowing blue ball in the center of the balcony, glowing with a magical aura.



Ezn: She’s so magical, she made it glow twice.



After a few seconds, an image appeared on the other side, acting much like a television being turned on. The figure on the other end of the line was an imposing female human.



Ezn: Ethan's mom?



Her features were hard to make out



Ezn: with, as they were on a screen.



, and it was as if the lights were turned down on purpose for the sake of her identity being revealed.



Ezn: "Turn up the lights! I can't let my identity be revealed!"



"I thought I told you not to call from this number anymore." Celestia greeted the figure, half-joking.



Ezn: Not even half, bro.



"Yeah, well, I just couldn't resist." The figure replied, in a strikingly un-feminine voice.



Ezn: Yep, Ethan's mom alright.



It sounded very dry, cold, and strict, but also very sinister.



Ezn: The voice in which I'm saying this sounds very sarcastic, but also quite incredulous, with a bit quizzicality thrown in for measure.



"What do you want?" Celestia said immediately.

"Listen, Princess. This ponification stuff isn't going to last forever.



Ezn: “They'll all turn back when the clock strikes midnight!”



I know you Equestrians started that whole campaign, but not everyone wants to be a pony."

"Okay." Celestia said, taken a little aback by the simplicity of the solution, "I never said they had to be a pony.



Ezn: "We've got a zebra system set up as well, but that hasn't really caught on."



Let them stay where they are."

"I think you misunderstand, Princess. We still want in. We just don't want to be ponies. I mean, four legs? No fingers? Who wants that?"

Celestia could tell that the figure had better reasons than that. "You've already done enough damage to the Equestrians, why must you be so persistent?"

"Because



Ezn: "we're all EEEEEVIL! Haven't you been reading the story?"



, the human world is dying. We can't go on the way we are now. And the only way we can is to move into your place for a while."



Anon13: Dude, can humanity crash on your couch?

Vimbert: We're totally good for half the rent once the band starts getting some gigs again.



"What makes you think we'll greet you so easily like that? Your mixed messages a couple years ago



Ezn: "...broke my heart, Ethan's mom."



made me believe that all humans are evil, and now most of Equestria believes that for a fact." Celestia lowered her guard, remembering her stupidity



Ezn: "Why did I ever believe you loved me?! It was all a lie!"



, "I know better now, and that's why I opened the ponification camps. So that the supporters of ponykind can finally be with their brethren in Equestria."

"Ah, but your ponies still think we're bad. That is quite a conundrum. That would mean they wouldn't like us invading your territory unannounced like this."



Nuke.equestria: That's why we're announcing it.



A silence fell between the two. Celestia thought about what the figure had just said. Would she invade? How would she do it? Can we fight back?

The figure reached for something off-camera, "We'll discuss this later." And the transmission ended with static, the blue aura faded away. Celestia gave a heavy sigh and turned to the silent Luna, still stunned from what she saw.



"...now what, sister?"



GelidEnmity: “...You’re adopted.”

Nuke.equestria: Shut up! That's not true!



Luna said nervously.

"I don't know, Luna."

While Celestia looked like she just wanted to end the conversation there, Luna still had more questions. "Why is she so hurtful to us? Why does she have to be this way?"



Ezn: "I told her I'm not into that kind of thing!"



Celestia turned away from her glassy-eyed sister,



Nuke.equestria: It always bothered her, the way Luna's glass eyes rolled about.



looking for the right words to say. Turning towards the door, she left the room solemnly, leaving Luna to tend to the moon. Celestia had a lot to think about.



Chapter 7: The Thick Plottens



Pemberton: AND THE 7 CHAPTTERS.

Vimbert: I... what?



The rain fell hard the next day.



Ezn: It was standing in for the sun, who decided to take a break from beating down on everyone.



Pegasi ponies had scheduled the storm, and the citizens of Ponyville were more than ready for the torrent. Twilight sat at her desk, as she always did, skimming through a book about human nature. Spike noticed this, and walked up to her.

"More about the humans? Are you ever not reading about them?" Spike said, starting to get annoyed at his friend's constant research.

"Oh, Spike, calm down. What's so bad about it? I'm just...curious is all."



Vimbert: Twilight carefully hid her copy of “Hot Human Studs” under her actual research material.

Nuke.equestria: What are you talking about? That WAS her actual research material!

Vimbert: Pornception.



The dragon looked at the pile of books next to Twilight's desk, then gave her a bewildered look, "There can't be that many books about one species. At least, not any species I've seen."

"Exactly, Spike. You should have came with me to the camp, you would have learned alot. Human history is very interesting, indeed."

Spike leaned over to look at the book that Twilight was looking at, The Second World War - A Guide. He noticed a grainy, black-and-white picture of a rather greasy, mean-looking human holding his arm straight out, as if he was giving some form of salute.



Anon13: There, can we call Godwin's Law on this fic and end it here?



"One thing I have noticed," Twilight continued, "was that humans seemed to have much more battles and conflicts in their time than the Equestrians have had."

"Well, it just shows how mean they can be." Spike pointed out.

"Yes, but also...how mean they don't need to be." Twilight added, drifting into her thoughts halfway through saying it.



Ezn: Profound stuff, Blaze.

Nuke.equestria: Philosorapter would be proud.



Ethan was sitting on his guest bed, staring out at the rainy day through his second floor window. The rain reminded him of home, and of how he likes taking walks on rainy days. Today, however, it would be a trot, and that's what kept him inside.



Ezn: What kind of freak would take a trot on a rainy day?



Despite his heroic efforts the other day,



Vimbert: Which had left Barry quite sore in uncomfortable places.



and his successful flying lessons, he couldn't shake off the fact that he wasn't a human anymore.



Ezn: Despite?



He loved his new friends, and he was glad Barry was along for the ride, but he missed his human friends. His classmates. His family. He wondered where they were, and if they had even been ponified yet. All of these thoughts were rushing in his head at once, and taking the cue, he decided to take a nap. Slumping over on his bed with a muffled thud, and resting his head on the soft pillow, Ethan fell asleep instantly.



*******



"BUURRRP!!"



GelidEnmity: “Sorry! I didn’t mean to eat your porn stash!”



Ethan shot up from his bed, now hovering above it with his wings, and looked around to see where the loud belch had come from.

Barry, apparently having arrived during Ethan's slumber, was laughing his flank off, "Good out, Spike!"



Ezn: "What? 'Good out'. I'm telling you, it'll totally be thing."



He shouted, congratulating the dragon, who was now holding a scroll in his previously empty hands.

"Twilight! It's a letter from Princess Celestia!" Spike said excitedly as the unicorn rose from her desk to where Spike had been standing. Ethan flew down to join them, touching down next to Barry.

Spike cleared his throat, and read from the scroll.





My faithful student Twilight,



It would seem that Equestria is on the brink of an attack from the humans. I plan to come to your library in Ponyville to we can discuss this further, because I'm sure you and your friends must have many questions about the task at hand. No need to reply, I will be there before you know it.



~Princess Celestia





Immediately after finishing the letter, Twilight got into her authoritative mode. She stood up straighter, and she seemed much more serious.



GelidEnmity: SRS FKN BSNS.



"Barry, I need you to get everypony else and come back here in 20 minutes. Ethan, stay here, and help Spike and I clean up. This may be a last-minute, informal visit, but that doesn't mean we can greet the Princess in a dirty library."



Ezn: "She'd have my head!"



Barry stormed out the door, quick as a flash. He may be reckless, Ethan thought, but he's reliable given the circumstances, I guess.



Nuke.equestria: What a vote of confidence.



Ethan soon began picking up the heavy books, and flying them into appropriate shelves. The bookshelves seemed to have been labeled pretty obviously, so organizing them was easier than it had looked for him.

"Twilight?" Ethan asked from across the room.

"Yeah, Ethan? Is something wrong?" Twilight could hear the nervousness in his voice.

"No, no. I was just wondering something..." Ethan searched for the proper words to say, without trying to sound offending. "From the sound of things, you're the Princess's prized pupil, right?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that..." Twilight blushed,



Anon13: It's not like it's my ENTIRE REASON FOR BEING or anything...

Ezn: “Our relationship is a little more... intimate.”



"But she counts on me to help her research the magic of friendship."

"Right, right. What I'm trying to say is..." Ethan now noticed that Twilight is paying full attention to him, "Is the Princess nice?"

Twilight laughed a little, "Oh, yeah. Of course she is. You don't need to worry at all about that. She'll greet you with open hooves."

"Okay, good. Sorry if that sounded stupid." Ethan said, picking up The Human Anthology and putting it in it's place.



Pemberton: The muddy ground, because humans are pigs.



"No, you're entitled to ask that. You haven't met the Princess yet. You've only been in Equestria a couple days."

Ethan was a little surprised, to say the least. It had seemed like weeks since he was called down to the ponification room, and given that purple fluid that afternoon.



Anon13: Purple haze... all in my brain...



It was amazing how much he had learned, and how much he had done in the past few days. He had probably done more as a pony in a few days than he had done in a few weeks as a human. Somehow, Ethan felt achieved because of that.



Ezn: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Ethan



As soon as Twilight had put Broadway Musicals of the 1940s in its place under 'Human Culture', the door knocked.



Vimbert: The door just wants to come in, you cruel bastards!



Twilight looked at Ethan curiously, and Ethan returned the look. Twilight said, "Barry...wouldn't knock, would he?"

"No. I wonder who it is?" Ethan paced himself and trotted to the door. The only other noise besides his hoofsteps was the rain rapping



GelidEnmity: Come on! The rain has some sick beats!



against the windows, and that only made the suspense worse for him.

On the other end of the doorway was a rain-soaked white mare. Her mane was cotton-candy pink, much like Pinkie Pie's, but this mare's coat was a very pale white, much like a ghost's.

"C-can I come in?" The mare said, in the most innocent, adorable voice Ethan had ever heard. Twilight shoved Ethan out of the way,



Nuke.equestria: The proper place for any non-unicorn.



staring at the mare with a bewildered look on her face.

"Sure! Of course you can! Come in, have a seat!" Twilight said happily, but almost fake-sounding.

The mare trotted in slowly. "Th-thank you, miss..."



Vimbert: “Call me... Notlestia.”



And she sat down quietly at the table in the corner. Ethan was still confused as ever, but soon paid no attention, because the door burst open again seconds later.



"WE'RE BACK!" Barry shouted over the pouring rain, startling everypony already present, especially the new mare. The excitable unicorn trotted in confidently, with Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Applejack following, all soaked from the rain. Rarity was in a fashionable purple raincoat, and she seemed pleased that she didn't get as wet as the other ponies. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash flew in through the upstairs window.

The moment that the ponies gathered in the main room of the library, they all began bowing in the general direction of Ethan. Ethan looked behind him, and noticed that the mare from earlier had disappeared, and had been replaced by a magnificently large pony with a multi-colored wavy mane.



Vimbert: Wait, really? Could this author BE much lazier?



Her coat was the same color, but her head was adorned with a massive unicorn horn, and two intimidating pegasus wings were on her side. Noticing the crown, Ethan assumed that this was Princess Celestia, and awkwardly bowed with the others.



Ezn: And the point of her arriving in disguise was...?

Anon13: You're assuming there's a point to any part of this fic?

Ezn: Good point.



"Hello, everypony."

Twilight approached the Princess, who was nearly twice her height, and spoke. "Princess Celestia, this is Ethan and Barry," she said as she gestured to the two timid ponies looking at her wide-eyed, "They're the humans I wanted to help us."



nuke.equestria: Even as a pony, Ethan didn't fit in.



"Well, it's very nice to finally meet you two. Welcome to Equestria." Celestia said, greeting Ethan and Barry in a very motherly, amicable way. Now a little less nervous, Barry stammered for a greeting. "H-hi, your majesty."

"Please, just call me Princess, or Celestia. A friend of Twilight Sparkle's is a friend of mine."



GelidEnmity: “HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU, I HAVE NO FRIENDS!”



Twilight giggled at Barry, then turned back to Celestia. "They've already met my friends, and we've agreed to go on with our plan."

"And that is...?" Applejack chimed in.

"That's why the Princess is here. We need to discuss what to do."



Anon13: So, the plan is to come up with a plan? Shouldn't you do some planning first, so you can better plan out coming up with a plan?



"Well, hang on, Twilight. There is something I need to mention before we go any further." Celestia said, a little less imposing and authoritative than expected.

"What's that, Princess?" Twilight asked.

"Listen. We can't just go on living thinking all humans are bad."



Anon13: When did we land in an Afterschool Special?



"Why not? I don't see the problem with that at all!" Rainbow arrogantly put in, only to be elbowed in the side by Applejack.

"I understand your sentiments, Rainbow Dash, but it simply isn't true. Humans are normally very kind people, and these two here are the prime examples of it."

Everypony looked over at Ethan and Barry, who were blushing at all of the positive attention.



Pemberton: God knows that’s something new for them.



"I supported the construction of the Conversion Bureaus, or 'ponification camps', as they are sometimes called, because I wanted humans to see the world through our eyes, and to help them get out of their dying world. It's clear that the human society simply cannot go on the way it is now, and that's why we encourage the integration."



Ezn: "Summarily: only self-loathing humans who want to be ponies are good people."

Nuke.equestria: Also, we can't solve our problems without the ponies’ help.



"So, who has a problem with it?" Rainbow asked, a little more concerned after hearing the other side of the story.

"That's who we're up against. They call themselves the Human Liberation Front, and believe solely in the survival of the human race.



Ezn: Those bastards!



They formed when we started the ponification campaign, as a way to prevent the humans from moving to Equestria."

Twilight suddenly turned to Ethan. "Ethan, did you know anything about this? Surely the humans had been talking about it before you left."

Ethan remembered reading about this in the paper he had clipped out mentioning the camps. "...the Human Liberation Front refuses to give up hope in the human race,



Nuke.equestria: The losers.



even though the American human population as dropped 30% since the opening of the ponification camps two years ago..."

"I read about it a little in the weeks before I went to the camp. They threatened to bomb the Conversion Bureau in Wisconsin once, but I'm sure it was just an empty threat. I know you ponies probably don't get the news we do, but it was a serious crisis for the pony supporters in the area."

"Oh, yeah! I remember that!" Barry said, apparently proud he recalled the event, "That was a serious fiasco. I was vacationing near there during spring break



Anon13: OK, seriously, who does spring break in Wisconsin?

Vimbert: Barry led a very deprived childhood.



, and the townspeople were going mad with



Vimbert: SCIENCE!

Ezn: Human evilness!



protests on the streets."



"Er, Princess," Applejack said, changing the subject, "So when ya said last year that all the humans were bein' bad,



GelidEnmity: Cue the sexy lingerie!



was that just a load of hooey?"

"Well, yes, Applejack." Celestia replied, "The boss of the HLF had told me that, and I quote, 'the ponies have the entire human race to deal with'." She used hoof-quotes to emphasize the comment, "I mistook this as humans being 100% anti-pony, and announced this to you ponyfolk. I had learned since then that , and I apologize for any confusion."



Ezn: “... and for any human murders I may or may not have committed.”

Nuke.equestria: Princess Celestia has to be the most gullible person ever.



"Oh, it's fine, Princess." Fluttershy added, "We know how nice humans are.



Nuke.equestria: Wait! When did this happen?

Ezn: “Not nice at all!”



There are a lot of wonderful new ponies moving in, and they are so kind to us..."

"I'm going to have to agree with Fluttershy on this one." Rarity said, "I have a few new helpers working for me at the boutique now, and I simply could not go on without them."

Rainbow Dash surrendered her former views, "It's just...it's hard to imagine such nice ponies can come from where humans come from."

"Well, Rainbow, I don't think you should be one to talk. Walk a mile in a human's shoes, and you'll see why some are so cynical and mean all the time."



GelidEnmity: “Ow...Damn sand!”



Ethan said, being oddly protective. Even Rainbow was surprised from Ethan's sudden defensive manner.

"I guess you're right, Ethan." Rainbow said.



"So, what do we do to stop this, Human-uh, whatever thingy?" Pinkie Pie asked Princess Celestia.

"I was just getting to that. Ponies are very pacifist,



GelidEnmity: Ha! That’s a laugh.



as you all know, so we will not be fighting back. We will begin with defending our territory. I want to strengthen the magical barrier around Equestria that has kept it from humans for so long. The magic has been worn from decades of being there, and it's time we update the system. I want you ponies to look for the book that holds the spells we need to strengthen the shield."

"I guess it's not in the library..." Twilight joked.

"No, it's not. You will need to go to The Ruins of the Ancient Pony Sisters, and search there. The spells should be in a book of forbidden magic hidden deep in the ruins themselves.



Ezn: Magic so forbidden we use it all the time!

Nuke.equestria: What good would forbidden magic be if you never used it?



I will give you a couple of days to prepare, but only a couple of days.



Vimbert: “As for me, I’ll be far too busy eating cake and laughing at peasants to help. Toodles!”



The HLF's attack could happen at any time."

"Got it." Twilight replied bluntly. And with that, the Princess teleported away in a flash of blinding magic.

Pinkie Pie shook with excitement, before beginning to jump around the room, "YAY! ADVENTURE!"

"Listen up, everypony! Only pack what you absolutely need. This will be a much harder trek than we are used to, and we need to pack lightly to survive.



Ezn: "That extra toothbrush COULD kill you."



Spend these next couple of days resting up, you'll need plenty of energy."

The other ponies began to leave, including Barry. Twilight then tapped Barry on his back.

"Barry? Where have you been staying the past couple of days?"

"Oh, I've been staying at Fluttershy's.



Anon13: Bow chicka bow bow...



Why?"

"I will need you to come over tomorrow. I need to teach you some advanced magic, and fast. Lessons begin as soon as you get up tomorrow."

"Alright, alright." Barry said, pretending to sound nonchalant about the ordeal, but was actually very ecstatic.



Ethan had flown up to his bed, which was still as messy as he left it. The sky was pitch black now, but the rain pattered on the window incessantly. Liking the white noise while he slept, Ethan waited for everypony to leave, then drifted softly into a deep slumber.



Chapter 8: Not Sure If Want



Pemberton: Change that “not sure if” to “do not” and you’ve got yourself a deal.



The clock was ticking. After getting up at 6am and trudging to his bus stop on the cold Monday morning, Ethan just didn't want to put up with school anymore.



Ezn: ~Monday, Monday! Gotta be emo on Monday!~



United States History wasn't his strong suit, but he still passed it somehow, even if it was the first class of the day. Barely staying awake, he stared at the teacher in a daze. The textbook on his desk was open to a random page, and the paper he was given was filled with random doodles,



GelidEnmity: That just SCREAMED “Phallic imagery”.



but from a distance, Ethan looked like he was doing something, and that's all that mattered.

"Ethan, can you tell me what the name of that slave was?"

Ethan shot up from his head-leaning-on-hand position. He hadn't heard what the teacher was talking about, and the teacher knew that.

"Uh...uh..." Ethan thumbed through his textbook frantically. Suddenly, he felt a light tap on his back.

"Hey, it's Dred Scott, dumbass."



Pemberton: I bet Blaze was real proud that he remembered something from 8th grade social studies.



The voice behind him whispered.

"D-Dred Scott?" Ethan said out loud to the teacher.

"Right." The teacher replied, defeated.



Nuke.equestria: That happened a lot.

Ezn: “My one weakness: students who learn!”



"Now, in 1857..."

As the teacher continued his lecture, Ethan decided to turn around and thank the classmate that helped him through that sticky situation. Behind him, was what made him realize he was dreaming.

"Ethan," Twilight Sparkle asked the human staring at her, "Do you have a pencil I can borrow?"



GelidEnmity: “...So I can stab your eyes out?”



*******



"AH!" Ethan awoke with a start.



GelidEnmity: “Aww, I wet the bed again!”



He was startled not at the fact Twilight was his classmate, but that he was still human in his dream.



Ezn: Naturally.



It was weird being a human again.



Anon13: Then again, for him, it was kinda weird being a human before...



Ethan felt like he had already gotten used to the new equine body he was given. Looking outside and noticing the morning sun shining through his window, Ethan trotted downstairs.

The second Ethan climbed down the ladder from his room, a book came careening towards him. Ducking out of fear, the book crashed into a nearby chair, which fell. The book had come from Barry, who was practicing magic with Twilight in the main room.



Ezn: "Let's move on. Maybe you can try teach books to duck again later," said Twilight.



"Good morning, sleepyhead! What kept you in there so late?"



GelidEnmity: That’s why Ethan is forever known as, “The Handyman”.



Twilight said, indicating the clock, which read 11:49am.

"Oh, nothing. Just had a weird dream, is all." Ethan replied, with the images from the dream flashing through his head when he looked at the familiar purple unicorn.

"Alright. You can tell me about it later.



Ezn: "Although on second thought, rather don't. And stop staring at me like that!"



I'm busy teaching your friend here some magic that can help us through the Everfree Forest."

"...so you're flinging books?" Ethan asked, still a little thrown off from the book earlier.

"Well, these are just for practice. With the right training, Barry could use any nearby object as a weapon. It won't be enough to inflict too much pain, but just enough to hold off any creatures we run into there."



Hearing Twilight's voice made Ethan think about what she had said in the dream. She said 'dumbass'. To Ethan's recollection, he hadn't heard a single pony swear once in his life. Sure, he's heard his human friends spout out more curse words than a drunk sailor, but ponies never seemed to stoop that low. Ethan was never one to talk like that often, but recently he hasn't even felt the urge. The word 'ass' sounds foreign to him; like he had never heard the word before in his life.



Ezn: "The conditioning worked!"



"Oh! Ethan, I need you to do something for me." Twilight said, turning away from her student, and snapping Ethan back into reality.

"Sure, okay. What do you want me to do?"

"I need you to go to Rarity's boutique and check in on the order I placed for raincoats. I heard the weather in the Everfree Forest gets pretty feisty



Vimbert: The weather can do things that would make your hooves curl.



this time of year, and we can never be too prepared for a storm."

"Yeah, okay. Err, where is the boutique?"



GelidEnmity: “I wanna feel pretty!”



Ethan asked. He hadn't realized until now he didn't really walk around town too much in his stay in Ponyville.

"It's just outside the marketplace, next to the cafe. You can't miss it."

"Yeah, it's the fru-fruiest



Pemberton: Barry: Taking the phrase “trying too hard” to new heights.



building in town!" Barry chimed in.

"Hush, you. Here's 20 bits, in case she wants to be paid up front." Then Twilight shoved a hoof-ful of gold coins into a little bag, and Ethan placed it under his wing.

"Alrighty. I'll get going, then." Ethan announced, and headed for the door.



The streets of Ponyville were as packed as ever. Even though he was used to going to New York City with his family on occasion, Ethan still couldn't help but look around at the hustle and bustle of the afternoon rush. Ponies were mingling with their friends, shopping at the grocery stands, and playing on the streets, each and every one of them with a warm and welcoming smile on their face.

Ezn: A lesser man than Ethan might be thoroughly creeped out.

Anon13: o/~ Where everybody knows your mane... o/~



Ethan had to smile himself, despite him just getting out of bed not a half hour ago, and all of this concentrated happiness seemed to have been passed on to him.

Passing by the cafe, Ethan heard a small gasp from a table nearby. Turning around with a start, he noticed Fluttershy sitting at the outdoor restaurant alone, eating a plate of hay fries.



Anon13: Which would seem to be the only thing ponies eat, going by this fic.

Ezn: And I thought humans were supposed to be the ones with “horrible health habits”.



Upon Ethan glancing at her, Fluttershy squeaked louder, and attempted to hide her face for a second. Surrendering to the attention, she finally calmed down.

"Oh, um...hi, Ethan." She mumbled, just audible for Ethan to hear it.



Ezn: "Please stop following me."



"Hi there, Fluttershy. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I guess...how has your day been?"

"Pretty good so far."



Anon13: "Just preparing to abandon my birth species entirely to fend off a war for survival. No big."



Ethan said, surprising himself with his optimism, "I'm just getting Twilight's order of raincoats from Rarity's place."

"Oh, that sounds like fun...well, I'm sure you're busy, so I won't bother you any longer..." She seemed to be a little sad that Ethan didn't have much time to talk to him.



Ezn: ... he told himself.

RingmasterJ5: Hermaphroshy! Shyvestite!

Ezn: Transflutter!

Anon13: Fluttershy wished, again, that she had the confidence to tell Ethan to go (bleep) himself.



"Okay then. I'll talk to you later, Fluttershy!" Ethan said as he trotted away. Perking up at the sound of Ethan saying her name, Fluttershy waved 'goodbye' back, and went back to her eating.

After looking back to where he was walking, Ethan concentrated on the task at hand. Barry was certainly right when he said that the Carousel Boutique was 'fru-fru'. The lavish pink and lavender colored building towered over the other assorted shops that dotted the village streets, and, 20 bits still in tow, Ethan walked hesitantly up the pathway to the door.



Suddenly, a sharp pain. Nothing that he had felt yet as a pony. The back of his head was throbbing like it had just been kicked



Ezn: Phew, a few inches toward the front of his head and this could have been an OC alicorn fic.



, and Ethan fell like a scared goat. With only enough energy to feel where he had been hit, Ethan looked around for what had hit him.

Ponyville was in panic mode, with the ponies that were just having fun and enjoying themselves screaming in terror and hiding in the nearest buildings.



Ezn: "Sometimes, it's really fun to be scared!"



Everything went black,



Ezn: As the Rolling Stones had just been ponified.



and the last thing Ethan heard before passing out was a shrill scream from nearby...



*******



He was on a swing. Swinging higher and higher, kicking his legs in the air, and soon he jumped off. Instead of hitting the ground, though, he sprouted wings, and soon he was a pegasus. Flying high into the clouds, he felt total bliss...



"Ethan? Ethan, are you okay?"

Ethan woke up.



Nuke.equestria: Dammit!

Ezn: At least we escape the terrible dreams for now.

Anon13: In favor of the terrible non-dreams?

Ezn: I like to count my blessings.



Opening his eyes, Fluttershy was looking back at him, her concerned face almost completely obscuring his view of where he was. Ethan was laying in a very comfortable bed, and the sound of chirping birds and other assorted animal noises was heard outside the window nearby.

"Oh, thank goodness! You're okay. Um, do you want anything?"

"Some water would be nice, I guess." Ethan said. He tried to move his head, but the back of his head stung as he moved it, and he cringed in pain.

"No no, don't move. I'll get it for you. Just wait here and get some rest..." Fluttershy said, motherly. Then she trotted quietly downstairs, leaving Ethan alone with his thoughts for a few moments.

It had happened again. Ethan had another dream where he was human. Why was this happening to him? Is his subconscious regretting becoming a pony? Is his human nature somehow still making it's way out, and trying to communicate to him through his dreams?



Nuke.equestria: Ethan, a man trapped in a pony, trapped in a man, trapped in pony!

Ezn: “I’ve always been a man in a pony trapped in a man’s body, and now I’m taking steps to correct that.”

Anon13: Ow. My brain.



Or was he just slipped some bad muffins?



Vimbert: THESE ARE SOME REALLY GOOD BLUEBERRIES, MAN.



Before Ethan could dwell on these questions any longer,



Nuke.equestria: Good Lord! We wouldn't want that!



Twilight rushed into the room, looking very concerned.

"Ohmygosh! Ethan, is everything okay? Fluttershy told me what happened, and--"

"It's fine. Really. I just got hit in the head pretty hard. By what, I don't know, but I'm alive, and I think that's all that matters."

Twilight calmed down



Ezn: "We'll get him next time..."



, "Well, I appreciate the optimism, Ethan, but somepony told me you were attacked by a creature in the Everfree Forest!"

"What? I wasn't even in there! Ouch!" Ethan had rose from the bed too quickly, and his head injury acted up again. He laid back down, resting his head on the soft pillow.

"It must have been a creature from the forest, then. Nothing outside of that place ever comes close to causing that kind of damage to somepony. But what could a creature that dangerous be doing outside of the forest like this? In broad daylight, even!"

"Well, we'll investigate that later.



Anon13: Yeah, I'm sure an unexplained HEAD INJURY can wait...



I have a question, actually." Seeing Twilight turn to him in interest, Ethan continued, "It's...kinda related to this, but at the same time, it's not."



Vimbert: Speech skill: Ethan does not have it.



Twilight seemed a little confused, but still interested, "Okay...what is it?"

"Well, every night since I got here, I've been having these weird dreams. In the dreams, I'm a human again. But ponies somehow get into the dream. I-it's hard to describe..." Ethan gave up explaining, and assumed Twilight gave up trying to understand him.

Twilight, however, knew what he was talking about. At first, she looked worried and curious, but soon switched to reassuring and calm. "Just don't worry about it for right now. Your body is



Ezn: not ready.



probably just getting used to being a pony, and having trouble adapting."

"I...guess that makes sense." Ethan said, as Fluttershy came in with a cup of tea for Twilight, and water for Ethan.

"I'm sorry...was I interrupting anything?"

"No, Fluttershy." Twilight said to the pegasus, "Now let's give Ethan some time alone to rest his head. He should be fine for tomorrow."



But Ethan couldn't sleep.



GelidEnmity: He realized at the last moment that his fly had been down the whole day.



He had too many things to think about right now.





Chapter 9: The Morning Shift



GelidEnmity: At McDonalds.

Nuke.equestria: Mmmm.... Meat shaped animal products.

Ezn: Made of reeeal plastic!

Anon13: What exactly would fake plastic be?

Ezn: The stuff our competitors use.



"Good morning, everyone. Today is Saturday, May 14. The lunch today is macaroni and cheese for humans, and the ponies will have the daffodil special.



Vimbert: No hay fries?



Would a Mr. James Fredrikson please report to the ponifiation room



RingmasterJ5: The ponifiation room? Sounds shady.



to be ponified? This has been Rainbow Dash, have a great day."



Rainbow Dash took her hoof off the button to turn on the intercom microphone. The various clamoring noises of the humans in the dorms downstairs started immediately, and the noise didn't help with the pegasus's early morning headache. She massaged her temples and turned around on the swivel chair she was sitting on. Rarity was there, looking at Rainbow oddly.

"What? What did I do?" Rainbow asked impatiently.

"You could have been a little more...I don't know, enthusiastic with the announcement readings, couldn't you?"

"Well, Pinkie Pie normally does them, but she's out working at Sugarcube Corner!



Nuke.equestria: Does the mane six run all of the Conversion Bureaus?



What do you expect, an award-winning performance from me? Jeez..."

"Okay, I'm sorry I asked." Rarity replied, feeling insulted.

"...I'm sorry." Rainbow said, as politely as she could, "I just really didn't want to come in today. I mean, we're about to go on an epic journey! Why would we still have to work one more day?"

"Listen, Miss Hooves said that the interns filling in for us will be coming in tomorrow. Can't you just sit through this one shift without going off in a huff for once?"

"Miss Hooves can't even see in one direction at once! Why trust her?"



Ezn: "Her disability makes her almost as bad as a human!"



"Because she is our boss, Rainbow Dash." Rarity said bluntly. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have a human to ponify."



Vimbert: I mean abuse. I mean ponify.



And she strutted out of the office.

Rainbow Dash drew a heavy sigh, then slurped from the grape Slushee on her desk. If there was one job she hated the most, it was working in the main office. Sitting at a desk and answering calls all day is a nightmare for her, and training the pegasi can't possibly be awesome without her there. Cloudkicker can only teach the humans so much about flying, and Rainbow believed that under her wing, those humans will soon become the best fliers in all of Equestria...second to her, of course.



Nuke.equestria: Of course.



Having been stuck in her grumpy thoughts, Rainbow had not heard Applejack walking in, carrying her saddlebags to begin her day.

"Howdy there, sugarcube." Applejack greeted Rainbow. "Is somethin' the matter?"

"Oh, nothing, AJ. I'm just tired, is all."

"The desk work gettin' too boring for ya?"

"...a little." Rainbow reluctantly replied.

Applejack laughed a little, then put her bags down on her chair. Taking a thermos of apple juice out of the front pocket, she took one quick sip, then put it down on the desk with her mouth.

"So, what do you secretaries do for fun around here?



GelidEnmity: Our boss.



"Play with this doohickey mostly."



GelidEnmity: ...no comment.



Applejack replied, pointing at the computer on her desk. Rainbow looked at her own, confused. After some thought about how a pony could possibly operate such a contraption, she turned back to Applejack, having thought this question out for some time.

"So, what do you think of Ethan, AJ?"



GelidEnmity: “Well, he’s kind of a douche, but...”



Rainbow asked awkwardly.

"I suppose he's an alright pony. Why do ya ask?"

"Well...I've been thinking."



Anon13: Huh, I thought I smelled smoke.



"Have ya?"

"Yeah. About what Princess Celestia said about humans not all being evil. I mean, Ethan and Barry seem kinda cool...are all humans like that?"



Pemberton: No, not all humans are douches, Rainbow.



"...I don't think so." Applejack replied, a little afraid to get into this kind of conversation. She knew about Rainbow's tendencies to jump to conclusions about humans, and was well aware of what she might be getting into by answering.

"Then how am I supposed to know that Ethan and Barry won't turn on us, or something? Am I just supposed to assume they're nice guys?"



Ezn: Why would you assume THAT?



"No, not at all. It's okay to have suspicions about somepony you know.



Anon13: Soon to be a letter to Celestia, right there.



Just keep being nice to 'em, and you'll find out soon enough if they can be trusted."

"...do you trust them?"

"Well, Twilight brought 'em here, and she thinks they're fine, so I think they are actually good ponies. Yeah, I trust 'em. I actually heard that Twilight has known Barry for a while now."



Nuke.equestria: If you know what I mean.



Rainbow was very unsure of herself right now. In the past couple of days, her opinion about humans has been turned upside down. She doesn't know who to believe anymore.

"I-it's just so...weird to see such nice ponies come from such a mean creature like a human."

"That's the thing, sugarcube. Not all of 'em are as mean as you think they are. We just got a bad first impression, is all. I'm sure there's a whole bushel of great humans out there who'd just love to meet



Ezn: "Oops, I mean love to be!"



ponies like you."

"Do you think so...?"

"I know so."

"...thanks, Applejack. You've really helped me think about this."

"Anytime, hun."



Applejack turned in her chair and began hitting the buttons on the keyboard. Rainbow inspected her own computer, looking back and forth between her hooves and the small keys on the keyboard.

"So, can you tell me how to work this thing?"

"Sure can.” She replied, trotting over to Rainbow’s desk and hitting the big green button on the modem, “Ya see, it's all in the hoof."

"Well, I've figured out that much already. I see all of these humans working these things with their fingers, and I don't see how us ponies can do it without magic."

"That's why mostly unicorns run these things, but I've been workin' on a way to get these to run for us non-magic folk, too.



Anon13: "I dabble in Mad Science on the side."



You shouldn't use it too much, though. I hear humans put bad stuff on it sometimes."

"I've heard about that, too. I hope this thing can keep that kind of stuff from showing up."



Pemberton: "Hey AJ, I just found this thing called 'redtube', I'm gonna check it out."



Rainbow said as the computer booted up. "Oh, and AJ?"

"Yeah?"

"What's a Facebook?"



Chapter 10: Wing It



GelidEnmity: Just like the author did with this fic.



There was a warmth on Ethan's right hind leg



Vimbert: "Barry, I told you... not tonight. I have a headache."

Nuke.equestria: A Manly head... oh, never mind.



that he didn't feel when he went to sleep that night. Sitting up on the bed, Ethan saw a small bunny laying on the sheets, sleeping soundly. He couldn't help but let out an audible "Aww" at the sight of this, and thankfully, that didn't wake the bunny.

Ethan was still in Fluttershy's cottage, having decided to stay the night there. He originally suggested sleeping on the couch downstairs, but Fluttershy insisted Ethan take her bed,



Vimbert: When Fluttershy wears the pants, you know something has gone either horribly wrong or horribly right.



because he needs the comfort for his head. Her bed was indeed, very comfortable, and the fluffy layers of warm comforters draped on the full-size mattress didn't seem to bother Ethan too much, despite the summer-like weather outside.

Just as soon as Ethan had fully awoken, Fluttershy entered with a steaming cup of tea.



Ezn: Fluttershy is my favourite horse. She is the perfect woman, and knows her place in society. She is Jesus in disguise.



"Oh, goodness! I didn't know you would be awake so early..."

"Yeah, neither did I."

Fluttershy glanced at Ethan, then noticed the bunny on his leg. "Looks like Angel found a friend while you were sleeping."



Ezn: "He must have hid the body under your bed."



"I guess so."

The yellow pegasus put the cup of tea down next to the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"A little better. My head doesn't hurt to much anymore. This bed is very comfy." Ethan said, bouncing a little.

"Oh, that's good."

"When are we leaving? Aren't we supposed to go on that adventure today?"

"Um, yes. I think so. We have to go to the library at seven, I think."

Ethan looked at the wooden clock on the bedroom wall, which read 6:32. That explained why the sun hadn't come up yet. Angel awoke with a start once Ethan moved his leg. The bunny quietly groaned, then ran downstairs. After a short pause, Fluttershy spoke up.

"Well, um, we should get going then, shouldn't we?"

"Sounds good. Let's go."



Nuke.equestria: They then had a rather awkward lovemaking session, leaving both embarrassed and unsatisfied.



Walking in the early morning, Ethan noticed how quiet the town could get, compared to how loud it was when he was walking through the market the other day. The morning chill, coupled with the calm breeze that blew through the trees in the Everfree Forest next to Fluttershy's house, set the mood for things to come. Ethan thought of it as the calm before the storm, even though he had no idea what the storm would be, if any.



Vimbert: "What is this thing you call 'storm'?"

Nuke.equestria: You see, when a man and a woman really love each other...



Looking for Barry was one thing;



Vimbert: ...as they could rely on Ethan's gaydar



they were lucky they didn't run into any creatures back there. This is different. They will be in the deepest part of the forest, where they will be sure to run into...Ethan had no idea, but he was sure it'd be dangerous.

Noticing how crushingly awkward Fluttershy looked walking next to him, Ethan attempted to start a conversation,



Vimbert: and failed miserably.



"So, what do you think of the humans?"

"I think that th-the ones that are trying to, um, attack Equestria are very mean, and they sh-shouldn't be like that to us." Fluttershy responded, getting visibly more uncomfortable as she pictured this, "But you and Barry are very nice...I'm glad to have met you two."



ezpony: "You will make excellent virgin sacrifices."



"Well, thanks. I appreciate that." Ethan replied warmly, and Fluttershy blushed noticeably. Ethan didn't notice it, because he had turned away, realizing that they had already arrived at Twilight's library.

Remembering last time Fluttershy knocked on the door, Ethan decided to do so, firmly and loudly. Answering the door was Pinkie Pie, looking four times as awake as either of them combined.



Vimbert: Either of them combined with... what exactly?



"Hiya, you two! Glad to see you can make it!" Pinkie greeted the ponies, flashing a massive grin.

"Oh, good morning, Pinkie Pie..." Fluttershy responded kindly.

"Hi, Pinkie." Ethan said. He hadn't really gotten very well acquainted with the pink mare, and only remembers her a little, from when they were going to the ponification room. The voice was very recognizable, though.

"How’re ya doing, Ethan? It's great to see you all...ponied up!



Vimbert: At least the author got her awful puns right.

Nuke.equestria: Don't encourage him.



Hahahaa!" Pinkie said, laughing at her own joke as the two walked in, much more awake than when they were walking over there. Twilight was the only other pony inside



Ezn: ... everyone else in the room was human.



, who was sitting at her reading desk as usual.

"Good morning, Ethan! Is your head okay?"

"Yes, much better, thanks."

"Great. We're leaving soon, but settle in while we wait for the others to arrive." And with that, Twilight returned to her reading, and the two ponies sat at the table in the corner.



Almost immediately after they had sat down, Applejack arrived, with a small yellow filly following eagerly behind her.



Anon13: Contract says the kid's in every episode.



AJ looked noticeably more awake than the others, but definitely not as awake as Pinkie Pie.



Nuke.equestria: On a scale of 1 to 10, AJ was a 7.5.

Ezn: Which, incidentally, was exactly what Ethan was thinking just then, in reference to another scale.



"G'morning, y'all. Hope ya don't mind, Twi, but Apple Bloom here said she wanted to come with us." Applejack said,



Vimbert: "And y'all know me, bein' hilariously out 'a character an' all, I just thought I'd bring her with."



gesturing toward the filly.

"Please, Twilight? Can I go? I wanna see if I can find my special talent in the forest!" Apple Bloom begged to the purple pony, giving the most irresistibly adorable puppy-dog eyes.



Ezn: "Do you know what a death cutie mark would look like?"



"Of course, Apple Bloom. Just don't get into too much trouble. The forest is very dangerous."



Nuke.equestria: Exactly the place for hyper-active fillies.

Ezn: Mortal peril and fatal injuries build character.



"I know. Don't worry none, Twilight. I'll be fine." Apple Bloom said confidently, sounding like she was trying to sound more mature than she was.

"Where's Rainbow Dash? Wasn't she with you at the Bureau yesterday?"

"Yeah, she said she might be a bit late, but I still figured she'd come by earlier than me. That's a might odd..." Applejack said, trailing off as she wondered where Dash might be.

"Okay. I just hope she doesn't take too long. We need to leave soon." Twilight replied as she closed the book on her desk and put it in the pile. "I need to wake up Spike and Barry, so I might be a bit."

Rarity arrived a few minutes later, donning an azure sun hat and matching saddle bags.

"Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't find the tiara that went with this bag. That's when I found this darling hat, and I thought 'I simply must wear this!'. So I did." Rarity explained quickly,



Nuke.equestria: Stating self-evident facts.

Ezn: While wearing a darling hat.



almost sounding like Pinkie Pie with how excited she was.

"Fascinatin'." Applejack said dully, growing impatient waiting. "When's Dash gettin' here? I wanna get this over with."

As if on cue, Rainbow Dash flew in as fast as she could through the open upstairs window. After catching her breath, she touched down on the floor next to Applejack.

"Ms. Hooves kept me until late last night, so I overslept...I swear, she's out to get me sometimes!"



Ezn: "Typical for someone with her condition, really."



"She isn't out to get me!" Pinkie chirped, as she pranced up to Dash happily, "Well, maybe because I get her muffins every week, but I don't think that'd have anything to do with what I do at work! OH! One time, she called me down to her office, and she said 'Muffins!', and then I said 'Okay!', and then we..."



Ezn: "...did all kinds of things I promised not to reveal."



Losing track of the story, Ethan gave up trying to listen to Pinkie. Then, he turned his attention to Twilight, who was coming down from upstairs with a half-asleep Spike on her back, and a equally as half-asleep Barry coming



Vimbert: I... no, it's too easy.

Ezn: I admire their sleepiness co-ordination. Must’ve taken some planning.



down behind her. Spike mumbled something, and flopped down on the floor. Barry, for once, didn't say anything. He was probably too tired to care about anything right now.

"Good, good, everypony's here. Now we can go."

"Really? That's awfully blunt of you." Rarity asked, as surprised as the rest of the group at Twilight's sudden change of pace. "No lecture about what not to do in the forest? No silly presentation on the dreadful creatures we might encounter?"

"Nope. I think we've all frequented the forest enough



Vimbert: Yep. Go in the Everfree Forest once and you're an expert, right Barry and Ethan?

Ezn: Been there once, been there a thousand times. It’s all the same, cliffs, manticores, trees, ruins...



to know where to go by now."

"Aw yeah! That's what I like to hear! Let's go!" Rainbow barked enthusiastically, and started for the door.



Walking down the same pathway as earlier bored Ethan,



Vimbert: All this beautiful scenery that I couldn't shut up about before now bores me! Show me something else, canon peasants, for I am a self-insert!



since they had to go past Fluttershy's house to get to the forest. Suddenly, Apple Bloom caught up with Ethan, now trotting side-by-side with him.

"So you used to be one a'those hoo-mans?" Apple Bloom asked nervously, as if she was talking to an alien.



Ezn: "Do y'all really eat ponies?"

Nuke.equestria: I still do.

Ezn: “You should try it.” “Nah, last time I did that it made everyone mad.”

RingmasterJ5: “And I didn’t get my cannibalism cutie mark!”



"’Humans.’" Ethan corrected the filly, laughing, "And yeah, I was a human about a week ago."

"Wow! What's it like? Is it any different than bein' a pony?" The little pony queried, really interested in learning about his home species.



Nuke.equestria: He's just vacationing as a pony.

Ezn: Got a pretty good timeshare deal on a pegasus body. He’s gotta share it, sure, but that’s fine.



"Oh, definitely. It's way different." Ethan said, then thought about how to go about describing a human to a pony. It was much harder than he thought. "Well, you walk on two legs, first of all. And you have these weird thingies on the ends of your front hooves called 'fingers'. They help you grab stuff easier, but they look weird."



Ezn: "And you do all these evil things with them all the time because of your dirty, wicked human nature!"



"I'd like to see a human close up. They must be a might big in person..." Apple Bloom said.



Vimbert: Twilight has some “reference materials” you should consult on that.



"Compared to ponies, yeah. I'm probably about half the height I was when I was a human."

"They must be pretty darn big then." She said, clearly intimidated.

Applejack trotted up next to her little sister. "I'm sorry, is my sis botherin' ya, Ethan?"

"No, no, not at all. I'm enjoying myself."



Pemberton: Because the implication "I'm enjoying myself with your little sister" isn't creepy in the slightest.



Ethan replied.

"We're here, everypony!" Twilight called out from the front of the nine-pony cavalcade.



This entrance was different from the entrance they had used to look for Barry. Gone are the wide, spacious pathways of the main forest entryway, and the group was greeted by a slightly more tangled path to the temple. Instead of dirt and sand, the ponies were trotting on the forest floor, riddled with tangled grass and tree roots poking up at any chance they get, tripping up the non-fliers quite a few times. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Ethan flew above the pack, but not too high, so they don't leave anypony behind. Rainbow had insisted on attempting to look above the trees to find the temple from above, but was only greeted with a dark cloud of smog, which blanketed the forest in a neverending night.

"It's a concentrated magical force field." Twilight explained to the others, "It's also the reason the plants and animals behave so strangely here."

"Well, it's not so strange to Ethan and I."



Ezn: "Earth's got magical dark forcefields everywhere!"



Barry pointed out, "Plants always grow, and animals most of the time live on their own. The only animals we keep as pets are dogs and cats. Oh, and birds...and hamsters..."

As Barry continued rattling off the names of the aisles of the local pet shop,



Nuke.equestria: Prattling on like the idiot he was.



the group pressed on through the forest. Yet again, no dangerous creatures seemed to cross their path, and if any were seen, they ignored the group, and went about their business quietly.



Ezn: Except for the manticore stockbroker, who was shouting "SELL! SELL!" quite loudly.



Ethan had never thought he'd see a manticore in person, let alone one that just sheepishly walked across the path, not noticing the tasty ponies trotting out in the open.



soFreeKey: You monster! Manticores are vegans!



After crossing a wide, but shallow river, the ponies came across an old temple. Automatically assuming this was what they were looking for, Ethan inspected the ancient structure as he entered it with the others. The interior seemed just like the rest of the forest,



Vimbert: except not, because it was a BUILDING.



mostly because the plantlife has made a home out of some of the less-traveled rooms



Ezn: The plants were big on Robert Frost.



, riddling former bedrooms with overgrown vines and trees. The main room upstairs consisted of six glowing gems of different shapes, each color-coded and sitting on a large, out-of-reach pedestal.



Vimbert: That's all the room consists of? No walls, floors, or ceiling? That's a crappy room.



Barry, Twilight and her friends seemed to recognize the gems



Ezn: Barry and Twi go all the way back to the pilot! Man, his jewfro SOLD Friendship is Magic to me.



, but Ethan and Apple Bloom were clueless.

"Here we are, everypony." Twilight announced after gazing at the gems, and capturing the group's attention. "We need to inspect every room we can, but be careful. This temple wasn't built yesterday. Remember, we're looking for an old spell book."



Nuke.equestria: Any old book will do.

Ezn: One spell is as good as any other. Wouldn’t want to be spellist!



"Just think of an older version of any book Twilight would read." Spike explained, semi-jokingly. "Full of pictures and cool shapes and stuff."



Vimbert: And art. Lots of modern art.



"...right. We'll meet back here in an hour."

"BREAK!!" Pinkie belted out, like a football player before the big game,



Anon13: Ponies know football?

Ezn: To be fair, this is Pinkie.



and with that, the ponies split up. Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Rainbow Dash went down the east hallway; Fluttershy, Twilight, and Rarity went down the west wing, and Ethan, Barry, Pinkie Pie, and Spike went downstairs.



"Thanks for letting me come with you guys. I was getting kind of tired of sticking to Twilight all day."



Anon13: Arrgh! Too... damn... easy!



Spike said to the three as they walked down the long stairway a second time.

"No probs, Spike."



Pemberton: "Thanks, Ethan! Hey, could you do me another favor and never say that again?"



Ethan replied calmly, "You need to hang out with us more often. Us guys gotta stick together."



Ezn: "Isn't that right, Barry?" Ethan said through gritted teeth.

Nuke.equestria: Barry didn't notice as he was still listing off every single animal that could be a pet.



"Yeah!" Pinkie shouted from the back of the pack, cuing strange looks all around, then a huge laugh from them all that echoed through the cavernous hallway. Eventually, the gang went into the biggest, easiest-to-navigate room, and began to turn it upside down.



Ezn: "Hnnnnng. Yo Pinkie, a little help with this wall, please!"



Oddly enough, it was the pantry.



Ezn: Yeah... no.



"Why would they need a pantry in a temple?" Spike asked the others.

"I thought you knew, Spike!" Barry replied from the other side of the room, laughing as he looked in a closet.



Nuke.equestria: That stuff in that closet, hilarious.

Ezn: I find Barry and Ethan rather more sad than hilarious, personally.



"Maybe the pony-monks get hungry, and go down here to bake their pineapple upside-down cake!" Pinkie chirped, licking her lips at the thought of the treat.

Then they heard a thud.



Vimbert: "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?"



It shook the temple, sending a few things in other rooms falling, and a table had almost collapsed underneath Spike, who was looking in a bread box.



Ezn: "Nope, that thud didn't come from in here."



"D-did you guys hear that bump?" Spike stammered.

"How that bump made me jump!"



Ezn: What?

Anon13: Author channeling Dr. Seuss.



Pinkie replied, apparently not phased at all by the sudden noise.

"Let's go check it out." Ethan said, with a sudden confidence that even surprised himself. The gang began to run down the hall.

"HEY!" Spike called out to Ethan before he left the room, "A little help?"

"Oh. Sure, buddy." Ethan said, allowing Spike to hop on his back. The extra weight was a little hard



Ezn: “Oh, Spike!”

Anon13: I told you, it's not a clopfic!

Ezn: The implications are still there.



to get used to, but he eventually caught up with Pinkie and Barry outside.



Scarily, nobody else was outside but the four of them. It was as if they were the only ones that heard the noise, but none of them could deny that it was a real thud.



Vimbert: Not one of those “poser” thuds.



Moving objects and crumbling temple does not a fake noise make.

"What made that noise? It was coming from out here..." Spike questioned, but soon got his answer. A pitch-black unicorn with fire-truck red



Vimbert: It's official: no matter what else this character does, I cannot take him or her seriously just because of that description.

Pemberton: Hey, this is a serious villain; not as tough as the Reese's peanut butter cup orange-colored alicorn that comes later, but still.



eyes came out from the shadows of the edge of the forest, and shot a spark of magic at the dragon, sending him to the ground a few feet away.

"Ethan and Pinkie Pie, go tend to Spike! I'll fend this thing off." Barry shouted, trying his best to sound like an action hero. Using his newly-taught magic, Barry shot off three medium-sized fireballs, which the black pony dodged seamlessly.



Nuke.equestria: I dodge with seams.

Ezn: It lends your actions that raw authenticity that’s so hard to come by these days.



The shadow-pony fired back with a purple lightning spell. It looked painless



Ezn: Makes sense.

Anon13: because we all know lightning just tickles.



, but Barry dodged it anyway, not letting his guard down yet.

Ethan got to Spike first, with Pinkie following close behind. The dragon sat up on his feet, massaging a burn mark on the side of his head.

"Omigosh! Are you okay, Spikey?" Pinkie said, in a concerned manner, but still retaining her Pinkie-ness.



Ezn: Masterful characterization right here.



"Yeah, yeah. I just feel like I was kicked really hard in the head--OUCH!" Spike yelped in pain as he tried to stand, and sat back down on the ground.

"Just stay here and rest your head..." Ethan said, spacing out a little watching his best friend fight the dark pony.

Suddenly, as he was about to slip back into reality,



Nuke.equestria: Now, we wouldn't want that.



Ethan felt something on his head. It hurt, but only a little. It felt like a human hand was grabbing onto his forehead, and giving him the Vulcan "mind-meld" from Star Trek.



Ezn: He squeed in fanboyish glee and whipped out his autograph book.



He couldn't move, but he could see the source of the "grabbing" was the dark pony, who had cast a purple lightning spell directed at him.



Ezn: Not the other dark pony, of course.



Everything went in slow motion, and eventually, Ethan passed out. He didn't feel himself hit the cold forest floor, though. He felt soft, wet grass, and a cool summer breeze...



Ezn: It’s over? I was looking forward to seeing that orange Reese's peanut butter cup-colored pony.





Ezn: Tsk, tsk, killing the digital rainforests.

Anon13: Well, several pages of this would be better than the actual story.



Chapter 11 - Where the Heart Isn't



"WEE! This swing is fun!"

"Pinkie, cut it out! I'm trying to wake up Ethan!"

"But it can fit two! Spike, come swing with me!"

"Not now, Pinkie...ouch..."



Ethan opened his eyes. Barry was looking right at him, and flashed a smile as soon as he woke up.

"Good morning, sunshine."

"Wh..where ar' wee?" Ethan mumbled, still very dazed from the spell.

"Oh, I think you know..."



Ezn: "You DO love me after all! Have we eloped?"



Slowly getting up on all fours, Ethan looked around. They were in a fenced-off grassy area, with a massive tree covering the immediate area with it's branches. Turning around, Ethan saw a two-story, sky-blue house, and a concrete patio with the swing that Pinkie Pie was on. Widening his eyes at the immediate sight, Ethan looked at Barry in disbelief.

They were in Ethan's backyard.

"WHAT?! H-how?! When? Why?" Ethan babbled in distress, clinging for an answer somewhere.

"Woah, woah...eeeasy there, cowboy." Barry said, soothing the savage, confused beast. “Spike and I have it all figured out.”

The dragon stood up and walked to the panicked pony, clearing his throat. "That black pony Barry was fighting cast a 'Memory Transportation Spell', which brought us to the first location you thought of when he cast it.



Ezn: Where can I get me one of those?



Um, Ethan, what were you thinking at the time?"

"Well, I was watching Barry battle the shadow-unicorn, and I thought about how far we've gone.



Anon13: Because it's always good to indulge in a little reminiscing when you're FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE.



And I remembered when we used to play in my backyard all the time as kids. I guess that explains why we're here now."

"Aww, that's adorable!"



Ezn: "You weren't even scared for your friend! You're shaping up to be quite the psychopath, young pony!"

vimbert: "It's like you used to be one of those filthy humans or something!"



Pinkie said, getting off the swing and bouncing over to the group.

"So, what do we do now?" Barry asked, turning to his friend.

"We should look around. Find a way back to Equestria. But, let's go inside first. We all need some rest."



Ezn: "It's not like our friends are worried about us or anything!"



"Good idea. If the rest of the gang in the forest didn't find the book, then they would be looking for us." Barry replied.

"And I'm sure Twi and Rarity can fend off the shadow-pony, if they run into it." Spike added. "They're much more experienced in magic than Barry. Er, no offense."

"None taken. Let's go inside."

After a quick tour of the house, Ethan sent the others to bed. Pinkie slept on the couch in the basement, Barry and Spike slept on the couches in the living room, and Ethan slept in his old bed. Barry fell asleep the second he touched the couch, but thankfully, Spike was there to help open doors for the finger-impaired.



Pemberton: SLOW DOWN THERE, SPIKE. OPENING DOORS IS BARRY'S JOB.



Ethan fell into his bed, and fell right to sleep.





He was all alone in a snowy field. The night was cloudy, but it wasn't too cold. Suddenly, a yellow pony with a blue snout popped up from under the snow and looked at him. Ethan tried to interact



Ezn: That is not a recognized verb. Please enter a different command

Nuke.equestria: "Open pony's mouth." The pony bites your hand. Ouch!



, but the pony simply popped back down the hole, like a gopher. Soon, the pony was popping up all over the place, making Ethan laugh so hard he fell to the ground. Before getting up again, the pony finally came out from its holes and trotted up to the human looking at it. Next thing Ethan knew he was face-to-face with this strange pony, both not blinking. The pony opened its mouth to speak.

"You're a strange one, aren't you?"



"WAKE UUUP! WAKE UP, EVERYBODY!"



Ezn: Aww, I was just dreaming about this being a better fic!



Pinkie's shrieking sent the others flying out of their beds and onto the floor. After some grogginess, despite only having been asleep for a couple of hours, the group finally got back outside and sat in the front yard. The weather was as cloudy and humid as it had been earlier, but it was getting noticeably darker.

"That's, uh, quite the dream, Ethan." Barry said to him, as he finished recounting the vision to the others.



Ezn: "I'm glad it wasn't about me this time."



"I should tell Twilight about it. She always likes these kinds of dreams." Spike suggested.

"Maybe the yellow pony just wanted to build a snowpony with you!



Anon13: Is that a euphemism?

Ezn: Remove “snow”.



I know I'd build a snowpony if I had that much snow!" Pinkie said.

"Er, while that does sound like fun, I think we need to find something to do right now." Ethan said, "We need to find a way to get back to Ponyville, and fast."

"But how can we get to Equestria?" Spike asked. "It's thousands of miles away, and the barrier is soon to be under attack by those Liberation Front cronies!"

"...The Bureau!" Barry shouted out of nowhere



Ezn: Twilight had taught him some quantum ventriloquism magic.



, "We can go to the Conversion Bureau and get them to transport us there! They do it to the new ponies all the time!"

"Well, yeah, but how do we get there without my car?" Ethan added, indicating his hooves, "I can't possibly drive it with these things, and I think Spike here would need a booster seat to get to the drivers seat, let alone drive the dang thing."

"Yeah, I don't think I can operate one of those things. Way to big and metal. Pretty...scary lookin'." Spike said, looking at the beat-up car in the driveway.

Ethan turned to Barry, and Barry turned to Ethan. "Who do we know that can drive?"

After a short pause, they both came up with the answer at the same time.

"Jimmy."

"Jimmy?" Spike asked.

"Yeah. It's a long shot, since he's not a big fan of us ponies, and I quote, 'trotting around like they own the place'."



Pemberton: Which may or may not have something to do with the way we constantly spit on and degrade humanity.

Ezn: Nah, I think it’s just in his spiteful human nature.



"He doesn't understand our motives, but he can drive." Ethan said, thinking while he talked, "I'm sure he'll understand if we talk to him a little."



Ezn: People usually do in these situations.



Barry gave Ethan a look



vimbert: that screamed "Take me, you magnificent beast", but they had a job to do.



, and Ethan corrected himself. "Okay, if we talk to him a lot. He's pretty stubborn."



Ezn: But he'll see the light eventually.



"Let's go to his house already! I'm getting excited!" Pinkie barked.



Jimmy's house was a little bigger than Ethan's, but it only had one floor, and a garage. The muffled sound of guitar shredding



Nuke.equestria: I love those combination guitar/paper shredders.

Ezn: So useful for getting rid of all those guitars that are always cluttering up the place.



came from an open window, which Pinkie heard and began miming holding a guitar and playing it. Ethan nervously walked up the path to the doorway, with the others following, just as nervous.



Vimbert: Can you feel the intensity? No? Oh good, I was worried it was just me.



"Remember, everyone. Play it cool."



Anon13: Try not to be a total pony when talking to the blatant speciesist.



Barry whispered from behind Ethan, "Don't make it seem like we're going to the land of sunshine and rainbows to save magical talking horses."



Ezn: Yeah, pretend it’s a land of darkness and pain, and you’re saving wicked metal hoofbeasts.



"...but we are. In fact, we're doing exactly what you just said.” Spike said blankly.

“Yeah, but I don’t want him to know that. He’s a little...apprehensive about our kind.”

“Hey! What do you mean, ‘our kind’?” Pinkie jokingly added,



Nuke.equestria: “You’re not one of us.”

Ezn: “I meant closet homosexuals.”



before being viciously shushed by the other three.

Spike hopped onto Ethan’s back and rang the doorbell. The second the ‘DING-DONG’ rang through the house, the shredding ceased, and footsteps drew closer and closer to the door.

If Ethan were human, Jimmy would be a little shorter than him. He sported a pair of glasses, and a few pimples on his face. His hair was in a jew-fro similar to Barry’s,



Pemberton: For those of you who are uneducated, the jew-fro is a staple of human culture and is not to be taken lightly.

Vimbert: Just like the Runza.



but shorter and black. He was a little pudgy around the midsection, but could still get away with being ‘svelte’. He wore basketball shorts, and a baggy band shirt with an incomprehensible metal band’s name on it, and a gruesome picture of a monkey cutting its head open with a scalpel.

Jimmy looked down at the ponies (and dragon), all a little intimidated,



Ezn: By his tough guy jewfro, no doubt.



with Ethan and Barry the only ones fake-smiling. He let out a heavy sigh.

“You have got to be kidding me.”



Ezn: That’s what I told the author after I read this fic!



DIDJA MISS ME?

STAY TUNED FOR PART 5 - COMING SOONER



Ezn: LIES. Sweet, beautiful lies.

Pemberton: So what if I write a terrible story and upload it to EqD? Do I get a hivemind fanbase and multiple threads in my honor, too?

Vimbert: I think a certain alicorn-centric story which shall not be named beat you to the punch.

Pemberton: God DAMN IT.

Anon13: "Dear Princess Celestia: Today I learned, friends don't let friends write drunk."



Credits:



Author(s) of the original fic:

Blaze



Riffers:

RingmasterJ5

Ezn

Vimbert

Pemberton

Nuke.equestria

GelidEnmity

Ion-Sturm

soFreeKey

Varanus-Freefallus

Anon13

Anonymous

Anon4

Anon9



Editors:

RingmasterJ5

Ezn

Alcoremortis





F/F/T3K Created By:

RingmasterJ5



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Hello, and welcome back to Week 2 of F/F/T3K15’s Community Month. Last month, we somehow managed to get both the Catch and Mykan EqG multiparts over with, leaving both slots open. But rather than having a simple Strawpoll to choose our next multiparts, since they’ll be the ones who have to endure them, we’re letting the people actually riffing the fics have a bit more of a say this time. Fallen, explain how this’ll go.

Fallen Prime: Before you are the first 3,249 words of a trio of prospective multi-part stories. Ring picked an arbitrary common number because there was so much difference in the actual lengths of chapters. You’ll be properly riffing them because of course you will. Once you’ve done that, we’ll leave you guys to talk amongst yourselves and determine which of the three stories you would like to continue riffing as the 8th-of-the-month multi-parter.

RingmasterJ5: Now, the way this was supposed to go was that one would be another fic from the previous author(in this case, Kudzuhaiku), one would be an editor submission, and the last would be a reader submission. But since no readers actually submitted anything that fits the wordcount, we’re just going with the previous-author fic and two editor fics, submitted by our own Crazy and Scarlet.

Fallen Prime: Droppin’ the ball, readers. I know you’re out there.

RingmasterJ5: It’s also worth noting that all three of these fics, continuing on right where we left off here, would only require two, at most three, more parts to complete.

Fallen Prime: Yeah, we’re not gonna draw it out THAT long this time. We’re already using THREE stories to fit a slot this month.

RingmasterJ5: Anyway, moving on to the actual samples. Our first fic is, as mentioned earlier, another fic by Kudzuhaiku. But this time it’s an M-rated “sex comedy” that doesn’t have any actual clop, which kind of sounds terrifying when paired with that specific author. Without further ado, the first 3,249 words of “The Education of Zenith Zephyr”.

SC276: Anything that puts this guy and “education” together, I am not looking forward to.

Scarlet: *yawns and wanders in* …and on that note, I awaken from my slumber. Well, for at least half an hour. Then work. Then riffing. The cycle continues anew.

MrSing: So we’re going to have a sex comedy without any sex and I suspect very little comedy? I wanted steak and all I got was soya.

Crazy56U: Oh, goody, I’ve actually contributed to something in my life!

DaeCat: Hello! I’m going to jump in if there are no objections?

Topher: *whips out a massive filing cabinet of paperwork* Okay, just sign these waivers, but I should tell you now, these are just the waivers freeing us from any damages caused by spending more than thirty consecutive seconds in a room with me. *drops the filing cabinet on DaeCat* Your blood counts as a signature.

MrSing: The dental plan is amazing though.



The train station was crowded, packed full to bursting with ponies, many of whom pushed and shoved to make their way through the crowd.



MrSing: Must... resist... making holocaust jokes... after only one sentence.

Crazy56U: Hmm… the train is late.



It seemed that everypony who was anypony



SC276: The type of pony everypony should know?

Scarlet: I suddenly feel a deep sadness in my heart after tarnishing that song.

Crazy56U: Then allow me to make things better / worse.



was here today at the train station. Overhead, pegasi circled, many of them news reporters, and their cameras were at the ready.



SC276: They were playing Pokémon Snap.

MrSing: You never know when you might suddenly need to film a movie.

Crazy56U: Or a train robbery... (cough)

DaeCat: “That’s a nice angle on this tree.” Wham!



As the train came to halt, there was a collective murmur from the crowd. The circling pegasi swooped down and something almost resembling a cheer erupted from the gathered mob.



SC276: They were carrying news the fic was cancelled?

Scarlet: Oh, to be as young and naive as you again, SC!

MrSing: “YEEAahaaAA?”

Crazy56U: “FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD! FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS BAD!”

CaptainPipsqueak: If I only had three legs, could I feel good about myself with a touch

of self-loathing?



When the train came to a complete stop, a palpable tension filled the air, and the gathered ponies waited.



SC276: [Pony #1] “...So, how long before the plot starts?”

[Pony #2] “I have no clue.”

Bucephalus: Wait… did the train just stop for a second time? Stopception.

CaptainPipsqueak: Train’s just messin’ wif ‘em.

Crazy56U: The train keeps stopping, obviously that means it’s having buffering issues.



The doors opened and the first ponies started to disembark. The crowd roared,



MrSing: “Yeah! Thomas the Tank engine saved the day again!”

Crazy56U: Please, that’s unrealistic, Thomas has been dead ever since CGI brutally murdered him and stole his face...

DaeCat: I also love seeing strangers I’ll never meet again!



but then the sound faded in a disappointed collective moan.



SC276: Author, you did not get permission from us to use our avatars in your story.

Scarlet: And even if you did, I’d have spent the duration of the story locked inside with tea!

Crazy56U: $5 says that that hipster fuck from “Simple Ways” popped out. Fuck him.

Topher: Oh, we’ll let Rarity take care of that.



The ponies getting off of the train were absorbed into the pressing crowd, swallowed whole by the monster mob.



SC276: Were they doing the Monster Mash?

Scarlet: Monster Mob? Oh no! I wasn’t prepared for a mob room!

Bucephalus: Yes. Let a bunch of monsters eat them. It’d be the first interesting thing in this story.

Crazy56U: And the mare in the back said everyone attack, and it turned into a ballroom blitz.

MrSing: Now in theaters “Attack of the monster posing as fifty ponies!”



From somewhere, a trumpet sounded,



SC276: From somewhere, a transmission…

Crazy56U: And it sounded a bit like this...

MrSing: Another beautiful day in boot camp.



and when the clarion trumpet was heard,



SC276: ...I can’t believe that’s an actual thing.

Scarlet: The trumpet sounded so when we heard the trumpet we began to trumpet our joys through trumpets.

Crazy56U: Sort of relevant.



an excited cry came from the gathered masses.



MrSing: Yeah! Trumpets!

Crazy56U: They’re perfect for ruining shit!



Pegasi guards began to clear a path to the train, nudging some ponies aside,



SC276: Why do the pegasi all need to get closer again? Where even is this town?

Crazy56U: It’s in an area where trains can go, that’s good enough.



and pushing others who refused to budge.



SC276: Everypony’s freakin’ pushy today…

Crazy56U: Well, then again, it is a train station.



More guards joined those already clearing the way, and soon, order was being established.



SC276: Through mass violence.

Scarlet: Only two public executions were necessary to quell the onlookers.

Crazy56U: I’d like to imagine the executions were done by shoving them onto the train tracks and letting a passing train do the Lord’s work…

CaptainPipsqueak: Where’s the fun in letting something else do the killing for you?

Topher: A man after my own heart.



Those exiting the train now had a means to do so and were free to walk away,



SC276: Tried doing that. Turns out we don’t have a door anymore.

Scarlet: Wait, did we have one before? I usually just find myself trapped in here every time I wake up and turn to riffing in order to escape. Or no, that’s my job. How do I get here?

Bucephalus: As I said before, this is purgatory. Dull, blank documents, so we bring in painful ones to ease the boredom.

Crazy56U: The closest thing to an exit I’ve seen was a brick wall with “Exit” spray

painted on it. I remember that because I ran into it once.

MrSing: I just close the document when I want to leave.

Crazy56U: Cheater.

Topher: There’s this hatch in the floor I jump down sometimes, but I never remember where It goes, I just black out and wake up back here… Hang, on, let me try something. *duct tapes a camera to his head, jumps through a hatch in the floor*



though most ponies disembarking joined the excited throng of onlookers instead.

Once again a trumpet sounded, a brassy blast of sound that was somehow loud enough to drown out the roar of the crowd, and then a voice amplified by magic announced, “Princess Twilight Sparkle!”



SC276: OK, relative point of time established, let’s see how long it takes to screw this up.

Scarlet: Insert John Cena joke here.

Crazy56U: No.



On cue, Twilight Sparkle emerged, stepping through the door of a small building secured just for this occasion.



SC276: Wait, is she getting off or going on the train? If the former, why would she need a special building to exit from, since she’s riding a train car? If the latter, wouldn’t that just be the station itself?

Scarlet: They actually loaded a small building onto the train so she would have one to step out of.

MrSing: She was hiding in the bathroom for five hours. Being royalty is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

Crazy56U: Plus she felt like doing a line of coke.

CaptainPipsqueak: Royalty does have its perks. That and the harem. Princesses can have harems, right? It’s not just a ‘guy’ thing?



She walked, head high, and waved at the crowd with one of her wings. She wore her diadem of office as the Princess of Friendship.



SC276: You mean her crown? Stop being fancy, author.

Bucephalus: I’m just going to pretend that, as it’s called a diadem, that she’s wearing a horcrux.

Crazy56U: All a crown is is a fancy hat, you not need to use fancy classification.

CaptainPipsqueak: She done wore a purty thing on her head. Yup.



“Hello everypony!” Twilight struck a pose for a moment,



MrSing: Twilight Sparkle’s Bizarre Adventure.

Crazy56U: Twilight be voguing.

Scarlet: Twilight struck a final pose! It was spectacular…

CaptainPipsqueak: Bitch just be there for the camera. Photo-ops aren’t to be sneezed at.



beaming, and allowed the press to capture a few photos of her. The brave alicorn showed no signs of her inner terror or panic as she continued onwards.



SC276: I don’t know if I’d call my inner feeling right now “terror” or “panic.” I think it’s just apathy?

Scarlet: I have a sense of inner dread, but only because I know we can only get dumber from here.

Crazy56U: In other words, she’s five seconds away from shitting herself in fear.



A series of trumpeting blasts sounded out,



SC276: OK, cool it on the trumpets, guys, I left my earplugs at home.

Scarlet: So basically this?

MrSing: Thank goodness the train with that town shipment of trumpets finally arrived.

Crazy56U: No comment.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh god; you mean you heard that? Oh man, I am so sorry. They said the pills would cure my gas. Just be glad you aren’t actually here.

Topher: I have an audio recording of all this here.



causing the crowd to ‘oooh!’ and ‘aaah!’ The gathered ponies all turned to look as the door opened once more. A regal white figure stepped out, grinning, her eyes wide and gleaming with merriment.



Scarlet: Well clearly that’s Rule 63 White Ranger.

Crazy56U: No, it’s a fancy ghost.

CaptainPipsqueak: Could be the Grand Wizard. Why you think all the palace guards are white?



“Princess Celestia of Equestria!”



SC276: Why did she start walking out before she was announced, when Twilight came out after?

Scarlet: I was close!

Crazy56U: I was closer...



There were gasps from the crowd as a few ponies realised what had just taken place. Princess Celestia had stepped outside before her announcer had called her out,



SC276: STOP READING MY MIND.

MrSing: *sighs* Time to replace the announcer again. Let me get my shotgun.

Crazy56U: [Announcer] “Hey, Celestia, yo mama so fat- (sent to the moon)”



committing something of a breach in protocol.



SC276: Why would they care? She moves the sun, she’ll do whatever the hell she wants.

Scarlet: Forget moving the sun, try arguing that an actual monarch breached protocol and see how long it takes before everyone just starts ignoring you.

Bucephalus: Royal Guard: This was quite unprincess-like, you majesty.

Celestia: Do you have unlimited magic or princess status?

Royal Guard: No.

Celestia: Then don’t question me again. *Shoots him to moon*

Crazy56U: Skipping ahead in the script is a punishable offense in this land. Announcer is going to the guillotine tomorrow morning.

CaptainPipsqueak: So if we skim ahead in this story we’re fucked?



The white alicorn was laughing as she lifted her wings to wave.



MrSing: I wonder if she ever waved so hard she actually flew away?

Crazy56U: Because actually using your arms to wave is just plain silly.



She didn’t walk so much as she pranced, strutting down the walkway that the guards had cleared.



SC276: Making her way downtown.

Scarlet: ~You don’t want no beef, boy!/We’re running these streets, boy!~

Crazy56U: But things got weird when she began moonwalking…

CaptainPipsqueak: I see what you did there...



The passengers leaving the train were now gone, having been absorbed into the crowd or having gone into the train station to escape the crowd, save two.



Scarlet: These two had no idea how to read the mood, sat around awkwardly for a while, and left. The End, story over!

Crazy56U: And those two were the hobos that lived in the train. They only managed to knife one of the passengers this time, a personal accomplishment.



A timid looking pegasus stallion stood with his ears pinned back, looking around at the crowd. He was a light, cheerful shade of blue, his mane and his tail were a sunny shade of yellow.



SC276: OK, saying the colors at the onset for once. You might actually be learning.

MrSing: The blues has never been so cheerful before.

Crazy56U: And they make for a dumb song.

CaptainPipsqueak: Isn’t anyone going to comment on the poor guy’s ears being pinned? That sounds kind of painful...



He smiled a nervous smile and then waved at the approaching alicorns.

Standing at the pegasus’ hooves was a young unicorn foal, livid colour,



SC276: Is that the color we turn when we’re livid at a fic?

Scarlet: *looks* ...aaaaand… nope. I’m still a bright shade of ‘bored’.

Crazy56U: (looks down) ...why am I grey?



which is to say he was a dull shade of blue-grey,



SC276: Then just say that in the first place.

Bucephalus: I think it’s Scarlet. Grey is a bored color. Scarlet, what’d you do to end up in this?

Scarlet: No, no, I’m not a bored color, I’m the color bored.

Bucephalus: What did you do to end up plastered onto a bad OC?

Crazy56U: So, he’s the color of a discontinued Crayola crayon? ...what makes him so

special?



with white dapples upon his back, his neck, his face, and his legs.



MrSing: If prefer doragnes and dananas, actually.

Crazy56U: I tried Google Imaging “dapple”, and all I got was this.

Scarlet: It’s a real thing. However, I’ve never heard anyway describe the characteristic splotches of color on a dappled coat as “dapples”. Usually you would call a horse with those characteristics a “dappled gray.”

Crazy56U: I… wasn’t doubting that it was real, I just wanted to show off the puppies that Google decided to show me...



His mane and his tail were a striking shade of metallic silver. Perched upon his nose were a pair of glasses with egg-shaped lenses.



SC276: These sound like they were just made in that Pony Maker thing.

Scarlet: Probably because they were. That or this guy is a metallic silver robot and the spiritual descendant of our Velvet.

MrSing: It’s like he’s made out of all rejected fashion ideas.

Crazy56U: If Rarity met him, I’m pretty sure she’d kill herself on the spot.

CaptainPipsqueak: Isn’t the color silver by definition metallic? Otherwise it’d just be grey, right?



The colt showed no signs of being shy or afraid of the crowd; if anything, he seemed to revel in the fact that the mob that was watching his every move.



SC276: I think you forgot words, or did the crowd just suddenly decide to look at the OC instead of the princesses? Because honestly, that doesn’t surprise me.

Crazy56U: So, in other words, he’s so vain, he probably thinks this song is about him?



He waved, lifting his hoof, and smiled while ponies snapped his picture.



MrSing: I can see the headlines now: “Fashion disaster ruins royal train ride.”

Crazy56U: “Circus Clown Crashes Princess Photoshoot”



Twilight Sparkle came to halt just a few feet away. She smiled down at the colt and then, after a little bow of her head, she said to the colt,



SC276: He has pronouns, you know.

Scarlet: Granted, for some reason he’s asked that we use Modified Sumerian forms of address, but given it’s me talking I’m not sure I’m allowed to judge.

MrSing: “The colt” is actually his legal name. His parents filled in the name certificate wrong.

Crazy56U: ...they couldn’t even be bothered to even capitalize “colt”, to at least pretend they didn’t fuck up?



“Welcome to Canterlot, Zenith Zephyr, chosen student of Princess Celestia!”



SC276: Oh joy. What, now that Twilight’s “graduated,” she just decided to pick someone else up? Even though Twilight got the training because she hatched and supersized a baby dragon with too much power for her to handle, and thus is a special case?

Bucephalus: Except OCs do have cool magic powers. They can affect the very canon of the universe.

Crazy56U: Zenith Zephyr Top. He’s a musician.

DaeCat: How come this one zebra got spots instead of stripes?

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, you’re not the boss of him. If he wants to be different, let him.



“Hello, Twilight Sparkle!” the colt’s voice was squeaky, almost the voice of a yearling.



SC276: Is that supposed to mean a “baby” in Kudzu-talk?

Scarlet: Probably not. In 4h-club terms, a yearling isn’t a baby anymore- it’s a year-old animal, the closest thing horses get to adolescence. So apparently in Kudzuland, ponies actually do age at a rate comparable to real horses, complete with matching life cycles.

Crazy56U: Oh, dear God, please say that he hit puberty…

Scarlet: Ha, nope! Much like his awkward use of “dapple” earlier, even when Kudzu’s talking about a real 4h thing he’s completely BSing!



“And there he is… my student.”



Crazy56U: She forgot her line, but quickly remembered it.



Princess Celestia walked past Twilight Sparkle, glancing at the smaller alicorn as she passed, and then stopped in front of the small colt.



Scarlet: “Twilight, this is your replacement. Look at him, isn’t he adorable?”

MrSing: “He’s like a younger version of you that hasn’t made mistakes yet.”

Crazy56U: “He’s better than you in every conceivable way. Isn’t that lovely?!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Also, he’s male. Not...not that that means anything, of course!



She lowered her head, angling her shapely neck downwards,



MrSing: I like big necks, I cannot lie.

Crazy56U: Didn’t know Celestia was part giraffe...



and stood almost snoot to snoot with the grinning colt that she had selected to be her personal student.



SC276: Are you just unable to refer to him as “he” or something?

Scarlet: He’s just burning through his supply of “___ colt” adjectives. One colt, two colt, red colt, blue colt.

Bucephalus: Any of those sound more interesting than this.

Crazy56U: Dr. Suess is rolling in his grave right now.

CaptainPipsqueak: Which is a pretty impressive feat, seeing as he was cremated...



All around Princess Celestia, flashbulbs exploded,



SC276: [Camerapony] “That ain’t gonna be a cheap replace.”

Scarlet: The bombing attempt was thwarted by the vigilance of the Canterlot Guard and timely shield spells.

Crazy56U: And that’s what happens when you buy lightbulbs from the Dollar General.



almost creating a strobe effect in the brilliant daylight.



SC276: And then everypony got a seizure and died. THE END.

Scarlet: Alas, what sweet dreams we have.

Crazy56U: OH DEAR GOD, IT’S A RAVE!



The circling pegasi overhead swooped down, getting as close as they dared,



SC276: They just keep getting closer! They’re like a curve with asymptotes!

Bucephalus: Can we get a definite integral on those pegasi?

MrSing: Sorry, I just had a beer and I don’t drink and derive.

Crazy56U: So, wait, why do they “dare” to do that? ...is this just a giant game of “Truth or Dare”?

CaptainPipsqueak: You can win if you dare...



as everypony tried to capture the image of Princess Celestia standing nose to nose with her new student.



Scarlet: However its capture rate was too high, and they had failed to lower its hit points.

MrSing: Nuzzling in public? Scandalous!

Crazy56U: It’s either that or having sex on the spot.



“Zenith,



Crazy56U: Annnnnd, yep, already sick of the name. Petition to call him “Zack” for the

rest of this. Who’s in?

Bucephalus: Nobody said Nay.

CaptainPisqueak: I’m partial to ‘Fuckface’. Who’s for calling him Fuckface for the rest of the story?



it is good to see you again. How have you been since we last met?” Princess Celestia asked.

They had met almost a month ago in the city of Tall Tale.



RingmasterJ5: What, no horse pun? Not even “Tall Tail”?

SC276: The city itself is of dubious factuality.

MrSing: No puns, because this fic doesn’t horse around.

Crazy56U: (attempts to swallow tongue)



Talent could be found in the most unlikely of places.



SC276: They had a raffle of all the colts and fillies in Equestria, and the winner got to attend as the Ultimate Lucky Student.

Scarlet: “I can’t help but notice you have absolutely no magical talent whatsoever, but you sure can play that vuvuzela!”

Crazy56U: Insert “America’s Got Talent” joke here.

DaeCat: Only few ponies knew that Zenith actually came from Tall Talent. An easy spelling error to make.



Little Zenith had, quite by accident, caused a bit of fluctuation in the weather, which in turned caused a tornado to happen.



SC276: Wouldn’t a pegasi be more likely to cause something like that?

Bucephalus: Let’s just pretend he’s the pony avatar: whiny, can use any of the various nations’ abilities, and is being hunted by the fire nation. Wouldn’t that be infinitely more interesting?

MrSing: Accidentally endangering thousands isn’t required to become Celestia’s student, but it sure helps.

Crazy56U: Yep, just a bit of a fluctuation. So what if it caused untold amounts of

damage and death, no biggie!

DaeCat: He made a butterfly appear halfway around the world.



The local weather pegasi put an end to the tornado before there was any sort of real damage,



SC276: What is with fics being unable to cause proper property damage?

Scarlet: Kudzu’s patreon hasn’t covered his fiction-insurance bills yet.

Crazy56U: Oh fuck off.



but it had given the small town quite a scare. The event had also left Zenith with his cutie mark, a rampaging tornado.



SC276: His talent is accidentally doing a pegasus’s job?

Scarlet: “Your special talent is creating massive property damage and risking the lives of others!”

MrSing: You wouldn’t believe how many fart jokes he can tell because of the cutie mark.

Crazy56U: His talent, ironically, is making stupid weather-related movies.



“I’ve done my best to behave,” Zenith replied, looking up at his new teacher with unabashed adoration. The colt was grinning from ear to ear.



SC276: Tone it down, kid, you’re giving me the willies.

Crazy56U: That’s less a “I’ve been a good pony” smile, and more a “GO TO BED” smile. And I just referenced Jeff the Killer, so really, we all lost today...



Some feared that the colt was dangerous;



Scarlet: Mostly those who didn’t live near Ponyville, since the residents of said township just shrugged and went on with their days.

MrSing: Others just laughed and laughed when they saw him.

Crazy56U: Some thought he was the Antichrist. But, then again, those same ponies wore tin foil hats...



Princess Celestia thought that was pish-posh.



SC276: [Celestia] “I mean, my last student destroyed an academy tower and turned the judges into potted plants, and look where she is now!”

Crazy56U: “Pish-Posh”?!?! Who the fuck uses “pish-posh” anymore?!?

DaeCat: “Oh, you made a tornado? Well, pish-tosh and flibberdy-floo, good for you.”



The little unicorn was far too gregarious,



SC276: There is no way that is a real word. …“fond of company; sociable.” Why not just say “sociable?”

RingmasterJ5: Because thesaurus.

Bucephalus: I see your thesaurus, and I raise you this: The miniscule, quadrupedal horned animal was greatly gregarious, sympathetic and of a kind temperament.

Crazy56U: I’d like to think that this is the form of the word being used: “growing in open clusters or in pure associations”.

MrSing: Magic horsey was nice.



gentle, and good natured. What the colt needed was control, magical education, and an experienced teacher to help him harness his potentially destructive talent.



SC276: And probably a good swift kick in the plot.

Scarlet: We’d be willing to assist.

Crazy56U: I’ll buy the necessary boots…

CaptainPipsqueak: And bondage gear. Celestia has needs.



“Zenith, do you understand why you are here?” Princess Celestia asked.



SC276: We don’t even understand why we’re here.

Scarlet: Because I have twelve centuries community service and- wait, no, that’s something else entirely.

Bucephalus: Again, purgatory.

MrSing: “Zenith, are you drunk again?”

Bucephalus: I wish I was.

Crazy56U: [Princess Celestia] “Do you ever wonder why we’re here?”

CaptainPisqueak: “Zenith, have you ever been to a Turkish Bath?”



Her gentle face became somewhat more serious as she looked into the colt’s glass green eyes. She could see two reflections of her own face, one in each of the colt’s lenses.



Scarlet: “Which was really cool and cinematic and stuff, and man, guys, don’t you wish you could animate this? I would give anything to animate this.”

Crazy56U: ...is the author ripping off “The Matrix” here, or “Cool Hand Luke”?

DaeCat: Thus proving that he wasn’t four-eyed with those glasses on after all.



“Yeah,” Zenith replied, nodding his head.



SC276: Has the pegasus standing next to him said anything yet? What relationship does this guy have with any of this? Why point him out if he’s not going to do shit, especially before the other guy you introduced?

Crazy56U: The pegasus is only there for moral support. Also, he wasn’t given any lines.



“Would you care to tell me? I would like to hear you say it.” Princess Celestia dropped her head down a little further, it was a trifle difficult to hear the unicorn foal over the roar of the crowd.



SC276: They’re all calling bullshit on this plot.

Bucephalus: [Rainbow Dash] Wimps. In Ponyville, we get bad OCs every other week.

Crazy56U: The crowd has gotten pissed that this isn’t over yet.



“I’m here to be your personal student.” Zenith blinked as he stared upwards. “I’m here to learn how to control my magic.” The foal took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and then, looking more than a little mischievous, he gave Princess Celestia a wink.



Scarlet: “And baby, I’m here to sweep you off your-”

Crazy56U: (chokes back puke)



“I’m also going to marry you someday, because you’re pretty.”



SC276: Wait, what?

Scarlet: ...okay then. I was kidding!

MrSing: Wait, isn’t he like a kid? Does this make Celestia a pedophile? Oh SHI-

Crazy56U: Whelp, we’re going to jail.

CaptainPisqueak: Don’t be silly - pedophilia’s perfectly legal if you’re royalty. Anypony that says otherwise finds themselves on vacation. On the moon. With no air.

Scarlet: Well, I have incentive to murder every authority figure I see now. Hey, ‘Captain’! How’s it going!



Having had his say, the colt stretched out his neck, extended his lips, and planted a wet, clumsy, slobbery smacker of a kiss upon the white alicorn’s cheek.



SC276: OK I see where this is going already.

Scarlet: Quick! Load the appropriate music!

MrSing: I don't wanna go to jail.

Crazy56U: It’s too late, friend. The deed is done.



His lips lingered there and the colt closed his eyes, enjoying the moment, and hearing the sounds of many cameras as they captured this moment for posterity.



SC276: [camerapony] “Dude, this is way better then when she was caught making out with Princess Twilight!”

Scarlet: Well thanks, SC, I think you just managed to spontaneously materialize a few fanfics of that into existence.

SC276: You’re welcome! ^^

Crazy56U: Damn it, SC, you’re going to cause an inflation of crappy MLP fanfiction. The riff economy will not survive such things!

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh shaddup; it was going to happen anyway, and you’re lying if you say you thought otherwise.



Surprised, shocked, and almost laughing, Princess Celestia lifted her head, all too aware that every photographer present had just captured that moment on film.



MrSing: It looks like the secret police has a long day of work ahead of them again.

Crazy56U: Thanks to them, Princess Celestia is going to appear on “To Catch A Predator”... again…

DaeCat: Celestia thanked herself none of them had children.



Aside from being gregarious, gentle, and good natured,



SC276: You literally only came up with that word for the alliteration, didn’t you.

Scarlet: To be fair even if the first bit there is a synonym for the last, that alliteration is the closest Kudzu’s come to making me smile with his prose.

Crazy56U: What asinine alliteration, Author...



Zenith was also confident, perhaps to a fault. Behind her, she could hear Twilight Sparkle chortling. She would have to pay Twilight back for this later.



SC276: In the same way you’re going to pay back the rest of the crowd?

Scarlet: The moon’s not big enough.

Bucephalus: [Royal Guard] Oi! Bad OC number seven, please stop pushing.

Crazy56U: Zack’s gonna cut a bitch...



“Oh my… Zenith, I’m flattered that you think that I am pretty, but you mustn’t kiss your teacher.”



SC276: Insert Monomi quote here.

Scarlet: There’s a “Flirt With Toriel” joke hiding in here somewhere.

Crazy56U: I blame Van Halen…

Scarlet: I already made that joke!

Crazy56U: So what, you didn’t copyright it.



Twilight was still sniggering and Celestia felt a faint warmth in her cheeks. Yes, Twilight would have to be dealt with later.



SC276: Author, you honestly believe no one else would laugh at that?

Scarlet: Well, most of them would probably look at this kid and rightly assume he just proposed to royalty. Either he’s being adorably precocious or borderline-blasphemous.

MrSing: Does anyone have a religious text that says we can stone him? Hell, I’d settle for a Jack Chick tract.

Scarlet: You’re in luck, I’m starting a cult right now!

Crazy56U: Wow, Celestia also wants to cut her?!



Her ears perked forwards as she looked down at the colt. Reaching out a wing, she tousled his mane.



SC276: She would probably do that with a hoof, and you goddamn know it.

MrSing: Eh, sometimes Celestia likes to wing it.

Crazy56U: She had some gunk on her wing and wanted to wipe it off.



Her gaze lifted and she looked at the nervous pegasus. He didn’t look well.



SC276: Neither are we.

MrSing: Why is he bleeding out of his eyes?

Crazy56U: Screw his eyes, why is his face melting?!

DaeCat: The lipstick poison was finally starting to take effect...



A few more minutes in this crowd and she was certain that he would be beyond saving. “Nadir Zephyr, would you like to retreat to some place a bit more private?”



SC276: OK, so he is related to the birthday boy somehow. That would’ve been nice to know before now.

Scarlet: “A bit more private” already. Normally I’d assume benign context, but this is Kudzu we’re talking about. His track record with nine year olds is “undiddled in a specific orifice.”

Bucephalus: Gah! So many images. Get them out of my head!

Scarlet: Yeah, I sat through “The Catch”. All y’all can just suck it.

Crazy56U: Annnnd, fuck that name too! I declare him to be “Nate” from here on out!

CaptainPipsqueak: I dunno…’Fuckface’ might even end up being apt if this story plays it’s cards wrong.



The nervous pegasus nodded, his head bobbing up and down. “Yes Ma’am, I’d like that, I’ve never been fond of crowds or big to-dos.”



SC276: And yet you’re here and not his mom.

Crazy56U: [Nate] “The amount of pot I do makes me paranoid as shit, you see, an- OH GOD, WHAT’S THAT?! (runs away)”

[Zack] “...that was his shadow…”



“Well then, come with me and we shall retire to some place a bit more comfortable.”



MrSing: If she suggests her bedroom I’m calling the cops. Again.

Crazy56U: Dude, I already called them like 10 times, it’s been taken care of.



Princess Celestia turned about just as Twilight Sparkle was struggling to stop smirking.



SC276: Wouldn’t she be over this by now?

Scarlet: I dunno, I’m not over it yet.

Crazy56U: Twilight has the smirking disease, obvious. And since there’s no cure, she must be put down.

MrSing: She’s got an acute case of being a smartass, I think we might have infected her.

Bucephalus: That’s stuff’s contagious?



Celestia raised one eyebrow and looked Twilight in the eye. “Do you find something funny, Twilight Sparkle?”



SC276: Lord knows we don’t.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Does my life count?”

MrSing: “I just got why the chicken crossed the road.”



Now snickering, Twilight snorted a few times as she struggled to swallow her laughter.



SC276: Wouldn’t she be over this by now?

Crazy56U: Okay, now she’s acting like she’s high…

DaeCat: “Dammit, Twilight, those pills were for me and Luna only!”

MrSing: “We’ve replaced Twilight’s air with nitrous oxide, let’s see if she notices.”

CaptainPipsqueak: They gave me that stuff once - I spent ten minutes laughing at telephone poles. They looked like the Earth had sprouted dozens of dicks.



She found that she could not speak, every time she opened her mouth to reply, more hearty laughter spilled out, so she pressed her lips together and shook her head as her sides heaved from trying to contain herself.



SC276: Aaaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhh IT ISN’T FUNNY.

Scarlet: This riff summarizes Kudzu’s attempts at comedy in the most visceral way possible without committing a felony.

Crazy56U: ...or Twilight snapped...

MrSing: Comedy is when people laugh right? Via logic reasoning that makes this the funniest story in years.



Taking a few steps forwards, Princess Celestia stopped and placed her mouth next to Twilight’s ear.



MrSing: Wet willy inbound!

Crazy56U: ewwwwwwwwww



She inhaled, sucking in the air she needed to tell Twilight off, and, as she started to speak, Celestia’s lip curled into a smirk.



Scarlet: It had developed a mind of its own, and acted according to its own dark intentions.

Crazy56U: Oh crap, Celestia contracted the smirking disease too!



“I seem to recall another little foal that once had a crush upon their teacher.”



SC276: I WAS JOKING!

Bucephalus: Both of you, stop! You’re only dooming us to more horrible cliches! Let me try and break the streak. Um… They’ll have sex or something. There. That should break your habit of predicting the cliches before they come.

Scarlet: Oh Bucephalus, dear? You do realize that if this fic ever does go there, now we’re able to blame you for it?

Crazy56U: Yet again, I blame Van Halen.



As Celestia spoke, her lips brushed up against the edges of Twilight’s ear,



MrSing: [Celestia]: “Ah gross, earwax!”

Crazy56U: And that is why you don’t Wet Willy others...



which caused Twilight to let out a little squeal punctuated by a snort.



Scarlet: That sounds more like noises of incredulity than anything else.

Crazy56U: Dear God, please don’t say they are actually about to have sex on the spot...

MrSing: This kinda stuff is why people think ASMR is creepy.



Grinning, Princess Celestia raised her head and then walked away, leaving behind a flustered, tomato-cheeked Twilight Sparkle, who sputtered and stammered as she struggled to find something to say.



SC276: OK, can we move on with the freakin’ plot now?

Crazy56U: This has a plot? HAH.

MrSing: Better than that time she was melon-eared.



Prancing, following after his departing teacher, Zenith Zephyr smiled at the crowd.



Scarlet: He flounced with great dignity and adorability.

Crazy56U: And the crowd promptly died.



Nadir Zephyr's wings fidgeted at his sides as he looked down at his colt. “I wish that your mother was here to see you now… she would be so proud.”



SC276: OK, I was kind of guessing he was the father of the birthday boy, but why couldn’t you just say it before now?

Crazy56U: Because.

MrSing: What monster blindfolded his poor mother?



The pegasus stallion smiled even though he felt a brief moment of pain as he experienced the memory of loss. “You’re so much like her… so confident.”



Scarlet: “Your mother also once declared she’d marry Princess Celestia. Albeit she was stone drunk at the time.”

Crazy56U: [Nate] “After all, she did decide to not disown you. That was pretty brave…”



“He certainly has confidence… enough to spare,” Princess Celestia said from where she was standing, watching the exchange between father and son.



SC276: If she needed to lean down to hear him earlier, why can she hear them both now? Or are they somewhere private now and the narrative didn’t tell us?

Bucephalus: New theory. This is all taking place in Celestia’s disturbing fever dreams. That way, anything she wants can happen without her realizing it. Or having to explain it. Or describe it.

Crazy56U: Dear God, how much longer is this fic-sample…

Bucephalus: This is the fic that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends~ Some

people just started writing, not knowing what it was, and they’re still writing, not

knowing what it is~



Raising one eyebrow, one ear flickering, she looked down at the colt.

“Son, I want you to listen to your teachers, all of them.



MrSing: “Except for your biology teacher. Ponies did not descend from horses damnit!”

Crazy56U: [Princess Celestia] “Even your Creationist teacher, if only out of pity.”



I want you to work hard. I want you to make me proud. More than anything, I want you to remember, you are a Zephyr.



SC276: ~Every monkey in the jungle listens / Every monkey in the jungle knows…~

Crazy56U: [Princess Celestia] “Which… actually doesn’t mean shit in the grand scheme of things, but…”



Even if you don’t have wings like the rest of us.”



SC276: [Celestia] “That will be fixed eventually.”

DaeCat: M.A. Larson, upon reading this fanfic: “That will be fixed eventually.”

Crazy56U: [God] “(loads a shotgun) That will be fixed eventually.”



Nadir’s face became stern for a moment as he looked down at his son. He drew in deep breath and his eyes narrowed somewhat.



Scarlet: “Son, I have some bad news. You see, this entire world was created by Kudzuhaiku. Yes, that guy responsible for ‘The Catch’. And well, the way he treats nine year old unicorns is…”

MrSing: “I always knew your mother was a bit too chummy with that unicorn mailman.”

Crazy56U: And then he attempted to set Zack on fire with his mind.



“It pains me that I cannot give you what you need. If you were a little pegasus, I could teach you how to fly. I could teach you how to thread the needle, I could teach you loop de loops, I could teach you how to skim over water and make it look like you are dancing over the waves.



Scarlet: About two of those sound like euphemisms for wanking.

DaeCat: Along with looping de hoops, he could also teach eating de breakfast, washing de dishes, and so on.

MrSing: “I could even teach you how to read, son.”

Crazy56U: [Nate] “I can even teach you how to make meth!”



But I can’t teach you magic. I can’t give you what you need. I’m sorry.”



SC276: You could still teach him to be a better character.

DaeCat: I’m still confused why this spotty zebra has a horn, and, well, spots and his dad has wings. This is Fallout Equestria, isn’t it? They’re just mutants, right?

MrSing: He grew up next to a chemical factory.

Crazy56U: Well, technically you could still teach him magic? It really bugs me when it

seems like only those with horns can do magic. I mean, come on, that’s magic-racist.



“Dad, it’s okay.” Zenith, looking up at his father, stretched out his neck and nosed the pegasus stallion. “I’m gonna miss you… but I’ve got a princess to look after. I’ll make Clan Zephyr proud, I promise.”



SC276: If this is anything like the houses in those other freakin’ fics, I’m out.

Scarlet: Good news- Kudzu writes in lots of extended universes!

MrSing: Unsure if that’s a family member or if they are Scottish.

Crazy56U: ...I take it he fails horribly, then?



The colt’s face became serious and for a moment, he looked very much like his father. “It’s gonna be hard work protecting a princess.”



SC276: Dude, you’re not contemplating the position that you’re in.

MrSing: Don’t blame him, he’s never seen the inside of any learning facility in his entire life. I’m sure of it.

Crazy56U: This is only further proving my theory...



It took serious effort for Celestia remain straight faced. She was glad that Twilight Sparkle wasn’t here, but was off dealing with the press,



SC276: Yes, give the neurotic bookworm the job that involves interacting with a giant hungry crowd the most. That can’t possibly go wrong.

Scarlet: Well, by “dealing with the press” I assume she means “preparing for pitched combat against them”.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or “Offering them sexual favors if they’d just go away.”

DaeCat: She was also pressing the deal onto impressed dealers. Press.

Crazy56U: By smashing all of their cameras.



giving them the official scoop on Zenith.



MrSing: I can see the headlines now: “Zenith: Threat or Menace?”

Crazy56U: “Zenith: Only 10 Days To Live”

DaeCat: “Zenith: It’s All Downhill From Here”

CaptainPipsqueak: :”Zenith: It’s Not Just A Watch Company Anymore.”



“Our clan has always done right by the princesses, going as far back as our entire recorded history.”



MrSing: “Granted, that’s only been about a week or so, but still...”

Crazy56U: Which is weird, because I heard a rumor that a large chunk of that history was mysteriously destroyed a little while back...



Nadir’s face softened into a proud smile. He lifted his foreleg, wrapped it around his son’s neck, and pulled the colt closer. “I’m going to miss you.”



Scarlet: ~Hush, child, the darkness will rise from the deep/and carry you off into sleep~

Crazy56U: [Nate] “I’m lying, of course…”



Zenith allowed himself to be hugged for a moment, and then began to squirm away from his father.



MrSing: [Zenith]: “I can’t breathe!”

[Nadir]: “Good.”

Crazy56U: [Nate] “(sound of a snapping neck) Shhhhh… It will all be over soon…”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Daddy, stop touching me there!”



He looked up at his dad, wide eyed, glanced at Princess Celestia, and then resumed staring up at his parent.



SC276: ~And then I looked at her / And she looked at me…~

Crazy56U: Has Zack blinked once in this chapter?



He whispered to his father, “Not in front of the princess.”



SC276: [Zenith] “Daaaaaad, stop embarrassing me!”

Crazy56U: [Zack] “You’re ruining my chances, Dad, stop.”



The pegasus blinked. He tilted his head, looked at Princess Celestia, and then back down at his colt. “Right, sorry, about that. I don’t know what I was thinking.”



SC276: I doubt you’re the only one.

Crazy56U: As if you know how to think...



Amused, Princess Celestia allowed herself a broad, beaming smile. “Come with me…



SC276: ~and the butterflies and bees…~

Scarlet: ~for one short day, in the Emerald City!~

MrSing: “... What was I talking about again?”

Crazy56U: [Princess Celestia] “And you’ll be, in a world of pure unimagination…”



let us go have lunch together. I bet that the two of you are famished.”

Author's Note:

This has been sitting around for almost six months. I cleaned it up a bit and decided to post it.



Scarlet: “I am a vengeful god who takes no pity upon his followers.”

Crazy56U: “Still smells like shit, but ehhhhh…”

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m a mean-spirited fucker, and you all brought this on yourselves!”

I don't know if there will be much interest, but if there is, I might update it once a week or so. Maybe.



SC276: Well I couldn’t be further from interested, so… never write again.

Crazy56U: Quick question, how many chapters does this story have again?

CaptainPipsqueak: Would it be a cop-out if I said “At least any too many”?



If you like it, let me know. If you don't like it, tell me why. Help me out here, leave a comment so I can improve my craft.



SC276: [Kudzuhaiku] “Or delete it and complain about it and point fingers on my blog. Same thing, really.”

Crazy56U: I take it he wasn’t convinced to stop writing, then?

CaptainPipsqueak: On the bright side, at least we have something to look forward to.



Thanks!



SC276: You’re not welcome.

Crazy56U: (makes fart noise with mouth)



Chapter 2



MrSing: “Die Harder.”

Crazy56U: Dear fuck, there’s more...



“This has been a lovely little gathering. I always enjoy spending time together,” Princess Cadance said as she walked with her fellow princesses.



SC276: Hoo boy, they had to get more canons to be casualties in this…

Crazy56U: Well, this does take place after Twilight’s alicornification, so, this was unavoidable.

CaptainPisqueak: ‘Alicornification’. Sounds like some sort of depraved sexual practice.

Fallen Prime: You could say “alicornication.” If you don’t mind playing Red Hot Chili Peppers in your head every time you say it.



A teasing smile lurked upon Cadance’s lips and she kept looking at Celestia as they walked.



MrSing: “Hehe, I can totally see her butt.”

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) “Incest.” (ding!)



“Another summit where we talk about peace and prosperity for all.” Princess Luna heaved a sigh. “It is too early in the day for this sort of thing. The world has become boring.



Scarlet: Princess Luna will be played for us this evening by a psychotic anime villain.

MrSing: “All I’m saying is: give war a chance.”

Crazy56U: Glad to know Luna also is bored by this shit...



I should be in bed.” Luna yawned as she walked.



Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) “Luna would be excellent at riffing.” (ding!)



Twilight Sparkle, walking beside her former teacher, glanced at Cadance, gave a nod, and then turned her head to look up at Celestia.



SC276: Has it ever occurred to anyone before that, between all the marriage and adoption, all four of these girls are somehow related? Stew on that, TwilightXCelestia shippers.

Scarlet: I hope if nothing else we inspire at least one parodyfic in which Twilight contemplates the awkwardness of a childhood crush on her aunt by marriage.

Bucephalus: Already happened.

SC276: Well that was fast.

MrSing: It’s the internet. If you can think of it it’s already been done and published nine times by someone else.

Crazy56U: The Internet is a terrifying, horrible place where anything can happen, and we are powerless to do anything about it.



“So… Princess Celestia… how is your most faithful student?”

Walking at a slow gait to allow the shorter legged ponies around her to keep up,



SC276: Though Luna kept running ahead.

Scarlet: “THOU SHALT NOT HOLD US DOWWWWWwwwwnnnn!”

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, no one informed Luna that the race was next week...



Princess Celestia summoned her patience; it seemed as though she was being conspired against.



SC276: It’s a conspiracy. And every one of you nuts is in on it. Just because you can move around, you think you’re better than I am.

Bucephalus: Patience, to me!

Crazy56U: Did this just become “The Tragedy of Princess Celestia” while I wasn’t

paying attention? Is she about to be stabbed 23 times?

CaptainPipsqueak: “Patience!” *CLAPCLAP* “Approach. Your Princess requires you.”



She had seen the glances between Twilight and Cadance.



MrSing: [Twilight]: （ ´_ゝ`）

[Cadance]: ┐('～`；)┌

Crazy56U: (confused) W-what?

MrSing: I like using emoticons. Plz no bully.

CaptainPipsqueak: Bad MrSing! You cannot haz cheeseburger!

Crazy56U: (even more confused) B-but I wasn’t bully- I didn’t even- what?



The large white alicorn drew in a deep breath to speak, but then heard Cadance say something.



SC276: Interrupting’s rude, lady.

DaeCat: I like to think Celestia held this breath until she got to speak, like some impetuous child.

Crazy56U: [Princess Cadance] “I’m sorry, who asked you to make a sound, Celestia?”



“He’s grown up quite a bit… and become quite handsome… well, handsome enough.”



SC276: Oh lovely, it’s a freakin’ time skip. At least xblade had the decency to put up a header!

Scarlet: And when our first comparison in the fic is giving props to xblade by comparison, you know things are going great!

Bucephalus: *tries to leave, hits brick wall with ‘Exit’ on it* We’re doomed, aren’t we?

Crazy56U: Oh, cool, that wall still exists!

CaptainPipsqueak: Good God, man; how is that in any way ‘cool’?

MrSing: Handsome enough to stop wearing the bag over his head.



Cadance reached out with a wing and gave the larger alicorn beside her a nudge. “Auntie Celestia, you know, he worships you.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Cadance, they all do that.”

Crazy56U: [Princess Cadance] “He even started a doomsday cult concerning you!”

[Princess Celestia] “Damn it, another one?”

MrSing: “He just won’t stop sacrificing goats in your honor.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “No matter how loud they yell…”



Rolling her eyes, Princess Celestia sighed as she contemplated getting new underlings.



SC276: Hire old overlings.

Scarlet: Technically she did bust Discord out of stone prison for that purpose.

Crazy56U: Well, in any case, be sure you know how to deal with them...



“You know, Princess Celestia, I’ve always wondered… why did you chose him as your personal, private student?”



Scarlet: “And more importantly, why did I trail off in the center of that sentence? The cadence of it doesn’t indicate a natural pause there!”

Bucephalus: [Celestia] The gods known as bad fanfic writers decreed it. They’re bastards.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “I mean, seriously, you couldn’t think of anyone else to choose?”

MrSing: It was for the tax breaks, wasn’t it?

Bucephalus: I'm starting to feel like the deliverer of already written fics.



Twilight Sparkle raised one eyebrow and locked eyes with Princess Celestia. She took a great deal of personal delight in seeing the faint pink blush on her former teacher’s face.



Scarlet: Kudzu, you non-bunghole-buggering bastard.

Crazy56U: Huh, didn’t know Celestia used makeup...

MrSing: Don’t get too excited, it’s just a rash. She’s allergic to cliché plot devices.

CaptaionPipsqueak: Consider yourselves lucky. She had a major allergy attack last month. Blood-flecked vomit everywhere.



“Yes, dear sister, do tell,” Luna said.

“Twilight Sparkle… I seem to recall that you had quite a crush on me at some point.”



SC276: ...What’s that go to do with anything?

Crazy56U: Yeah, did a page of story get left out here, the fuck just happened?

CaptainPipsqueak: I dunno, but if they start making out, I am leaving.

MrSing: Yeah, Twilight. Why did you chose Celestia as your student!? Not so tough now, huh?



Princess Celestia lifted her head high. She had said this many, many years ago and it had worked then, but Twilight Sparkle didn’t quite get as flustered at the old embarrassment now.



Scarlet: Quick break, but I love how fandom Celestia is evasive and mysterious about her motives in all things in a very overt manner, whereas canon Celestia just refuses to mention things until they become relevant. Here one of the oldest and wisest members of Equestrian society fails to redirect a conversation!

Crazy56U: (golf clap) Good hustle, Celestia...

MrSing: [Celestia]: “Hey girls, remember how we build Ponyville on an uranium mine? No? I guess it wasn’t relevant until now.”



Celestia realised that she was going to have to try harder.



SC276: ...why aren’t you just answering the question?

Crazy56U: ...call me crazy, shut up, but… I think she technically did, in some moon logic-esque way...



“It seems to me that you were so stricken by your love for me that you developed a fondness for chasing after white unicorns—”



Scarlet: “Which is bizarre because pre-ascension I was an earth pony, but to each her own.”

Crazy56U: Wait, is that actually canon, or did you just voice one of your headcanons?

MrSing: It’s that gosh dang magic racism again.

Scarlet: Good question, Crazy! The correct answer is ‘neither, it was a joke!’



“With exquisite manners, fine feminine behaviours, and good breeding,” Luna added.



SC276: What does this have to do with ANYTHING?!

Scarlet: Ship teasing. Y’know, for pandering!

Crazy56U: “They’re throwing pandas at us!!!”

MrSing: Only the purest of German Shepherd unicorns were good enough for her.



Twilight Sparkle turned a darker shade of purple and bit her lip. She was unable to say anything in her own defense. It was suddenly far too hot in this hallway



SC276: Oh so that’s where they are. That would’ve been nice to know before now!

RingmasterJ5: Long fucking hallway if they were walking the entire conversation.

DaeCat: It runs alongside the runway from Fast and Furious.

Crazy56U: Oh, great, now on top of everything else, Twilight’s in heat...

MrSing: The hallway actually loops around on itself. Celestia’s architect was non-euclidian.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and had a cruel sense of humor.



and Twilight wanted to go someplace cooler, some place where she wasn’t about to die from embarrassment.



Scarlet: And that, children, is how Twilight conquered the frozen north!

Bucephalus: They always say the truth is stranger than fiction.

Crazy56U: And so, Twilight fled to Pluto. THE END



“And school teachers. We can’t forget little Twilight’s fondness for school teachers.”



MrSing: Go ahead, fic! We are already in jail, your implications can’t make it worse.

Crazy56U: You say that now, but I heard some rumors that they’re about to prep the electric chair...



Princess Cadance winked at Twilight. “Ooooh… I’m a bad little foal… my homework is late… don’t punish me with the paddle, Cheerilee—”



Scarlet: Kudzuhaiku attempts to approximate human females speaking to each other about romance. The results are about as you’d expect.

Bucephalus: I need an adult at this point.

Crazy56U: (checks can of Diet Coke) Did someone spike my drink, what in God’s name is happening…

CaptainPipsqueak: No that’s just a typical side effect of drinking any sort of diet soda.

MrSing: I remember when my teachers hit me with bats when I forgot my homework. Well, some of the times I can remember.

Bucephalus: And I thought being homeschooled was bad.



“Cadance!” Twilight gasped. She squeezed her eyes shut, cringing, wanting to melt into the floor from embarrassment.



SC276: She wants to do her best Shadow Siren impression.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s a modern English way of expressing embarrassment...

MrSing: [Speaker] “Clean up in the infinite hallway.”



“Cadance, we were supposed to tease Celestia, how could you?”



SC276: What the fuck is even going on?!

RingmasterJ5: Kudzuhaiku trying to do a sex comedy. That’s what’s going on.

SC276: Gheeze, is there any fiction genre he can’t completely screw up?

RingmasterJ5: Looking at his sixty-three other goddamn fics… no.

Crazy56U: ...he fucking wrote 63 more stories? ... (punches the table)

MrSing: This isn’t funny or boners. In fact, I’m crying and speaking a vow of celibacy.



“An admission! Ah hah!” Celestia looked down at the flock of alicorns around her.



Scarlet: “I’ve exposed your contradiction! Ha!”

Crazy56U: [Princess Celestia] “J’ACCUSE!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Does three construe a flock?



“Tell us what we wish to know or we shall continue with our original plan!” Luna, grinning, pulled ahead of the group as they paraded down the hallway together. “Personally, I like him. He’s witty, intelligent, and potentially the best option I have of getting my sister laid.”



SC276: Why is she shipping them? And I seriously doubt Celestia hasn’t been laid once in over a thousand years, for pete’s sake.

Crazy56U: Eh, you never know, a lot can happen in a thousand years, provided you’re not on the moon, in cased in stone, or… whatever the fuck Sombra’s deal was again, I’ve all but forgotten that episode...

MrSing: Wasn’t he in time jail or something?

Crazy56U: To be 100% honest, I really don’t know.



“Luna!” Princess Celestia’s face looked as though she had bit into a lemon.



SC276: No, that’s our faces right now.

Scarlet: Speak for yourself. My face is currently attempting to do that creepy unhinged-jaw thing and failing.

Bucephalus: I swear I didn’t mean it guys! The sex comment was a joke. Don’t hurt me!

CaptainPipsqueak: You’re dead to me.

SC276: Now son, don’t touch that cactus.

Crazy56U: Personally, I’m more confused / annoyed than disgusted...



“He is my student. I absolutely refuse to engage in any sort of inappropriate behaviours or betray his trust.”



Scarlet: Translation- I don’t fuck students. You know, once you get past the window dressing this is a pretty damn typical sex comedy set-up complete with all the gender casting you’d expect from such.

Crazy56U: In other words, you’re planning on screwing him ten minutes from now.

MrSing: “Twilight, do you take me for some rom-com serial protagonist? I did it thirty-five minutes ago.”



“He’s growing up though.” Cadance prodded her aunt with her wing. “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to take him as a consort. He’s already groomed for the position. Why do you have to resist what was clearly meant to be?”



SC276: Why is this even a conversation.

CaptainPipsqueak: They’re planning out who gets to take turns.

Scarlet: So is anybody else going to comment on the horror that is the idea of Celestia intentionally grooming a nine year old to be her lover? Because I JUST DID.

Bucephalus: Eh. In the middle ages, this would be considered tame. And I’ve spent waaaay too much time reading up on that time.

SC276: With the time-skip in place, he’s probably about fourteen now, which really doesn’t make it any better actually.

Crazy56U: Is there some kind of gas leak in the castle, is that why this is happening?

MrSing: “I swear it officer, I thought he was twenty.”

“You had his fourteenth birthday yesterday. I saw you bake the cake!”

“I didn’t have enough money for twenty candles.”



“Cadance, that’s quite enough!” Princess Celestia was now aware that she was a pink alicorn, very much like Cadance, and her full body blush was intensifying.



SC276: I don’t think blushing works like that. At all. That would require suddenly having a lot more blood through your entire body.

Scarlet: The secret origins of blood magic that none of the goths want to talk about.

Crazy56U: Celestia has a makeup addiction, this is canon.

MrSing: Is this why the Celestia toy is pink?

Crazy56U: And people think Hasbro fucked up on that front. In reality, they’re one step ahead of the curve...



The big mare sucked in wind, let it out in a huff, and then began to try and cool herself off. “All three of you are terrible, horrible ponies.”



SC276: When being written by a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day- I mean author.

RingmasterJ5: Well, reading the works of the latter does lead to the former, so I can see your confusion.

Crazy56U: Logically, shouldn’t this tripe ended the literal second Celestia called them out? Why is there more text?

MrSing: “Why is there more text?” is like our national anthem at this point.

CaptainPipsqueak: You know; all she had to say was “Bang, zoom, to the moon.” And everypony would have shut right the fuck up.



“Perhaps, but we’re getting laid,” Luna replied. Turning her head, she saw her sister glowering and she heard Celestia snort. Luna let out a giggle and picked up her pace.



Scarlet: “I’M RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS STORY AND YOU CANNOT STOP MEEEEEEEE!”

Bucephalus: Not today, peasant. You haven’t fully purged yourself.

Crazy56U: And thus, Luna was now running in the 90s.



And then, without warning, Princess Cadance came to a dead halt.



SC276: Then she collapsed to the floor, suddenly being dead and all.

Crazy56U: Bullshit, she’s undead.



Her face darkened, her eyes closed, and she swayed from side to side, nibbling upon her own lip.



SC276: ...I’m just gonna say I’m… uncomfortable with this scene right now.

Scarlet: And suddenly, Exorcist crossover.

DaeCat: Nomnomnom.

Crazy56U: (throws a gallon of holy water) The power of Christ compels you to FUCK OFF!

MrSing: This hallway is so long that it gave her a stroke.

Bucephalus: Crazy, that will not be enough. We must be Fanfic-Crusaders-Ripping-This-Horrible-Fic-a-New-One! Yay!



Her wings fluttered at her sides and her tail swished around her legs. Cadance’s sudden stop caused the other alicorns to stop as well.



Scarlet: “YOUR MOTHER WRITES FICS IN HELL.”

Crazy56U: Okay, someone needs to go in time out, then... (curbstomps Scarlet)

Scarlet: Crazy, honey, just because I’m clearly a masochist it isn’t an invitation to curbstomp my goofy references! ...although yeah, I did deserve that one.

CaptainPipsqueak: So is she having a Cadance-sense episode?



“Cadance, is there something wrong?” Twilight asked.

“No Twilight,” Cadance replied, shaking her head. “Zenith is in his room, thinking of Celestia, and doing what colts his age are known to do… mmm… it feels good.”



SC276: ...OK, one, what is the range on this? How close are they to his room? How do you even know he’s in his room? If it’s too big, there’s no way she would be able to reasonably function in public. Two, this is like… changeling, maybe. Perverted changeling. Cadance’s magic doesn’t freakin’ work like this.

RingmasterJ5: Kudzu has this weird thing in his fics where alicorns intrude on personal matters a LOT. You have this horrible bit here, and in The Chase, Luna literally uses dreams to make sure certain ponies don’t “stray too far from the herd” which is exactly as terrifying and Big Brother-ish as it sounds.

SC276: *makes a grimace and gestures wildly trying to comprehend it all, then gives up and throws a chair across the room*

Crazy56U: (is hit by the chair) ow

DaeCat: Reading a book, seeing as there aren’t television sets yet. I’m surprised Twilight isn’t super-happy about that as well as Cadance.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yo. Cadance. Too much information.



“Oh good grief!”



SC276: Oh no, you are not dragging Peanuts into this shit, author!

Crazy56U: (rubs forehead) Relax, it didn’t hurt all that much...

MrSing: Golly gee, all this talking about mastrubating is giving her a case of the heebie-jeebies.



Rolling her eyes, Celestia let out a frustrated huff at the alicorn of love.



MrSing: The avatar of love and jerking off.

Crazy56U: And orgy.



“Oh… he’s working it… it’s funny…”



Scarlet: There is nothing funny about this.

Crazy56U: Settle, friend.

CaptainPipsqueak: ’Work it harder, make it better…’



“Cadance, I find nothing about this funny.”



SC276: Neither do we!

Scarlet: Nope nope nope.

Bucephalus: Please, somebody get an adult!

Crazy56U: As sad as it may seem, I think we’re the closest things to adults here...

MrSing: Adults aren’t gonna cut it, for something like this we’re gonna need a senior citizen.



Princess Celestia glared at her sister Luna, just daring Luna to say something, while Luna’s smile grew wider and wider.



SC276: She will say something. The princesses in this series have terrible impulse control.

Crazy56U: Glad to see that Pinkie taught her how to smile.

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least they’re not masturbating... Oh God. I’m sorry.



“No, I mean, it’s funny… usually, when a pony does this, it is accompanied by a strong sensation of lust.



Scarlet: Or boredom, tension, anxiety… for someone who writes as much porn as he does you’d think Kudzu would understand the basics of wanking.

DaeCat: I am actually leaving now, goodbye.

Crazy56U: Good luck, mate.

MrSing: He feels nothing when he jerks off. A true Puritan hero.

Scarlet: No, no, Puritans feel soul-crushing guilt and disgust. You’re thinking nihilists!



It is all about self gratification—but there is love here, real love… and he’s imagining that he’s satisfying you… that’s what is getting him off.”



SC276: I don’t think the kid understands how masturbation works.

Bucephalus: Nobody gets how anything works in fanfiction.

DaeCat: Why is there an exit sign on a brick wall!?

Bucephalus: Because the gods that be like to see us suffer.

Crazy56U: Don’t question the brick wall, just accept it.

MrSing: How romantic.

CaptainPipsqueak:NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE...



Cadance let out a soft whinny and then shook her whole body. “I need to go find Shining Armor, excuse me.”



MrSing: “I need to tell him how to mastrubate from now on and I need to tell him NOW!”

Crazy56U: Boy, is she gonna be disappointed, then…

CaptainPipsqueak: ...NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE...



Biting her lip, Cadance vanished in a flash of light, leaving behind the soft perfume of mare musk.



SC276: Take us with you! ...I mean, not to join in, I just want out of this fic.

Scarlet: Between this and the Twilight implications earlier, I find myself wondering things about you, SC.

Crazy56U: And thus Cadance and Shining had all of the sex.

MrSing: “Why don’t you think like Celestia’s fourteen year old student when you jerk off? Don’t you love me!?”



Twilight, flushed, and feeling more than a little flustered herself, could not stop thinking about white unicorns with an appreciation for finer things.



SC276: None of which were around at this point.

Crazy56U: Well, technically they’re in her imagination...

MrSing: Wait, isn’t Rarity one of- oh... oooh!



She looked down the hall, her eyes coming to rest upon a door,



MrSing: Holy shit! Did the hallway just end? I always heard the myths and rumors, but I never thought I would live to see this day.

Crazy56U: God is real.



and then, with a slow turn of her head, she looked at Celestia.



Scarlet: “I’ve just realized that given her ability to apparently cause sudden group arousal and her weird shift in powers, Cadance has probably been replaced by a succubus.”

Bucephalus: Wasn’t that what Chrysalis was?

DaeCat: What if Cadance has always been Chrysalis? Celestia+Cadence+Chrysalis=Conspiracy

Crazy56U: This is veering dangerously close to “Game Theory” territory, stop.

MrSing: Calm down man, it’s just a theory. A game theory. （・∀・）

Crazy56U: (dead-eyed glare)



“You know, visiting Canterlot always puts Rarity in a special mood… time to indulge in a little friendship with benefits.”



SC276: I refuse to acknowledge that as wordplay.

Crazy56U: I refuse to acknowledge that as words.



And then, there were two.



SC276: Two little Indian boys- wait, when I did that play, I made up the verse for this one…

Scarlet: The most iconic closed-island murder story of all time shrieked in existential pain as Kudzu’s reference tore away another tiny shred of its dignity.

Crazy56U: Oh, wait, I know this one, the killer is going to be killed by a Creeper suit!



Princess Luna, still grinning, waggled her eyebrows at her sister and then began to creep towards the door, turning her head to look at her sister as she paced forwards on silenced hooves.



Scarlet: “Sneaky hooves, sneaky hooves…”

Crazy56U: [Luna] “Doot doot doo, don’t mind me, just sneaking by, doot doot doo.”

DaeCat: “Ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja, doorway… NINJA!”



“Luna, don’t you dare!” Celestia demanded in a forceful whisper. “You leave him be!”



SC276: “Wander… Wander… WANDER…!”

Crazy56U: (pulls out a banjo)

MrSing: Ah, the return of the whisper shout. My old nemesis.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why would you deny Luna the joy of watching a young teenager

jacking off?



Her lip protruding in a pout, Luna stopped. She looked at the door and then back at her sister.



MrSing: “I don’t know which one to shoot!”

Crazy56U: Shoot the Author. Shoot the Author.

SC276: Shoot the one that’s winning, dumbass!



After taking a few moments to consider her actions, Luna realised that this was not a battle she wished to engage in.



SC276: We don’t want to engage any battles here, and yet we continue reading.

Crazy56U: It would’ve been a battle of wits, and being in this fic was draining Luna of her intelligence, so she’d lose easily...



Celestia was fond of her student, and her emotions could make her more than a little unreasonable. With a wink of her teal eye, Luna vanished, leaving Celestia alone.



SC276: Celestia Was Alone.

Crazy56U: Insert meme here. You all know the one.

DaeCat: And then there was one.



Taking a deep breath, Celestia thought about what to do next. Zenith was engaged in something private, but, it



RingmasterJ5: Yep, second chapter and we’re already straight off to masturbation. But anyway, that’s the end of the sampler.

SC276: ...Ground control to Major Tom! Your circuit’s dead! Is something wrong? Can you hear me, Major Tom?!

Fallen Prime: Mid-sentence? Wow, dude.

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, the other two end on a chapter and a scene respectively, so one had to fall to keep consistency.

Fallen Prime: Well, at least this was the one that did. Fuck this guy.

RingmasterJ5: Now, our second sample was submitted by Crazy56U, of a Mare-Do-Well… wait, do you call this a fix fic? It’s more of an alternate ending that completely misses the point of the episode and the aftermath thereof. Either way, here’s the sample of “Mare-Do-Well: Fallout” by LordBrony2040. (Also, the entire last 300 words of this fic is an author’s note!)

Crazy56U: I regret nothing, please make a note of it.

SC276: Who wants to bet this fic will have nothing to do with Fallout?

Scarlet: “I should begin by explaining what a PipRiff is.”



Chapter 1

“But…don’t you all want me to be a hero?”



SC276: ~I don’t want to be a hero...~

Crazy56U: No, Rainbow, you can’t be a sandwich, you are a pony, not food.

DaeCat: Ponies are friends, not food.

MrSing: A hero? I bet she can’t even fire lasers from her eyes.



Rainbow Dash sat in the back alleyway as she looked at her friends dressed in their costumes,



MrSing: Don’t you hate it when you all cosplay as the same person?

Crazy56U: I once cosplayed as a pile of trash. ...funnily enough, I wasn’t wearing a costume... ...wow, I just made myself sad...



all standing there grinning as if they had pulled off some big practical joke.



Scarlet: Which they had, for all intents and purposes. Thank you for the recap!

Crazy56U: The only good thing about this story.



But…it hardly felt like one. There wasn’t some basic mess to clean up, or a little water on somepony’s dress that any unicorn worth two bits could get out with a glow of magic.



SC276: Or explaining that rain of scrolls to the princess.

Crazy56U: Or justifying to the police why you had to break someone’s window…

DaeCat: Rainbow Dash, Element of Practical Jokes, has apparently never pulled a prank that didn’t involve “some basic mess”.

MrSing: Once again, pegasi and earth ponies are excluded. Damn you magic racism!



What the girls had done...it...hurt.



SC276: I don’t remember the episode all too well. I suppose I could pull up the transcript to find where the branch-off point is…

Crazy56U: But that would be akin to rewatching the episode, and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Just assume that line is the branch off point and move on.

MrSing: All of them saving other ponies and preventing property destruction really hurt Dash.



She still felt the pain of being forgotten by everypony in town over the last few days and her friends…having them just laugh at her was bad enough but knowing that they were behind everything…that they had meant to laugh at her inside Sugarcube corner when she had come needing cheering up…



Scarlet: God damn it Rainbow, there is a finite amount of Linkin Park in the world and every time we use it up the band has incentive to create more!

Crazy56U: We shall instead use Simple Plan.

MrSing: It really made her feel like... randomly pausing... in the middle of every... thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: She’s having a Shatner moment. Pray to God she doesn’t start singing.



Even Fluttershy…Fluttershy looked happy about how she had tricked her best friend, the pony who had stood up for her in flight camp, the pony who had moved to Ponyville to help keep her settled



Scarlet: WARNING, WARNING. INVADING HEADCANON. THIS MAY INTERFERE WITH THE VALIDITY OF FIX-FIC ATTEMPT.

Bucephalus: WARNING! WARNING! SCARLET ATTEMPTS TO ASSUME THAT THIS FIC WILL FACTOR ANY CANON OR LOGIC INTO IT.

Crazy56U: Stop yelling, please.

CaptainPipsqueak:YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF US.

DaeCat: How dare that nasty Fluttershy try and teach Dash a valuable lesson in a way that also saves various ponies’ lives.

CaptainPipsqueak: Who cares? They were only background characters. Perfectly expendable.

MrSing: They had even traded baseball cards once.



instead of taking a job in Manehattan or Fillydelphia where the weatherpony pay was so much better and ended up staying year after year just because she became all teary at the mention of Rainbow leaving for greener pastures…



SC276: Fluttershy was literally the only reason you moved to Ponyville? Seriously? If I recall correctly, you didn’t even notice when she fell off a cloud when you started that race.

Crazy56U: All the more reason to move to Ponyville, then! Not only to make sure she didn’t die, but also to make sure she doesn’t press charges.



Twilight said…something…drawing Rainbow out of her thoughts,



SC276: That would be “Of course we want you to be the hero.”

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “(knocks on Rainbow’s head) Hello?! Hello, anyone home? Huh, think, Rainbow, think!”

DaeCat: DaeCat said… something… and everyone found it funny.



and then…

“And a real hero doesn’t brag.”



Scarlet: “Rainbow, we’ve been over this. The really cool dudes don’t acknowledge the explosions.”

Crazy56U: But, what about when you are the explosion...

MrSing: Then you don’t look in the mirror, obviously. Step it up, man.

Crazy56U: But I hate that movie...



Applejack’s statement made Rainbow Dash frown, her earlier confusion from the reveal about the town hero’s secret identity quickly fading as the anger in her gut began to rise. “Excuse me?”



SC276: OK, we’re off the rails now. Get ready for the train wreck, because this gonna hurt.

Crazy56U: Oh, Rainbow, calm down. That isn’t even the worst thing Applejack says in this “story”. Trust me, it gets worse.

Scarlet: Holy shit, Crazy is also a witch! So much and so little begins to make sense!

Crazy56U: Hey, when you sell your soul, weird shit happens, what can I tell ya?

Scarlet: It’s a miracle!



“We were teaching out a lesson about modesty Rainbow Dash,” Twilight explained with a smile. “You were just bragging so much, and a real hero is modest and humble. Understand?”



Crazy56U: There are so many ways I can respond to this… I will instead let this GIF do it for me:



MrSing: Captain Bragpants Mcsaveadude would like to have a word with you.

Crazy56U: His name is Dean Winchester, and you will show him some resp- wait, you

weren’t talking about the GIF...



The pegasus turned her glare towards Twilight. “Yeah, I understand just fine,” she said in a voice that was practically a growl.



SC276: Yeah, I think I imagine some of our riffs being spoken in exactly that tone.

Scarlet: I prefer to imagine mine being chanted in long-dead languages by the mad priestesses of a dying faith, but each to their own.

Bucephalus: I do faux latin. Makes me feel smart.

CaptainPipsqueak: I used to do mine backwards, but I once accidentally summoned a demon. Kinda embarrassing.

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “I understand that someone needs their ass kicked… (attacks Twilight)”

MrSing: Today we’ve replaced Rainbow Dash’s voice actor with Batman. I’m sure people won’t mind.

CaptainPipsqueak: Depends. Which Batman?



A little put off by the hostility, the unicorn backed away from the pegasus. Then the orange earth pony in the purple costume stepped forward. “Hey! Don’t you be talking like that to her!”



MrSing: “We don’t like people understanding stuff in these parts.”

Crazy56U: Wow, way to make Applejack more Southern, Sing...

MrSing: Watchu talkin’ about pardner?

Crazy56U: Thank you for not calling me a city slicker, that’s all I choose to take away from this.



Applejack exclaimed as she approached the pegasus. “Twilight was right, you and your stupid bragging was getting on our nerves, and you needed to be taught a lesson!”



SC276: I thought she needed to be brought down to earth because her bragging and showboating was compromising the safety of the people she was trying to help. I mean… that was obvious, right?

Scarlet: Not in the magical land of Straw Man!

Crazy56U: ...now I’m imagining the Pale Man scene from “Pan’s Labyrinth”, but with the Scarecrow instead of the Pale Man...



“So you decided to sabotage and outstage me?” Rainbow demanded as she took the air to glare at the earth pony muzzle to muzzle instead of backing down.



Scarlet: Rainbow Dash’s capacity to learn lessons became less than zero that day.

Bucephalus: Thank you for joining us. The next episode will be Lesson Negative One.

Crazy56U: Rainbow, calm down, here, have a pumpkin.





“You decided to laugh in my FACE? Oh, gee, thanks for the lesson Apple-smack! I guess seeing a pony who’s a real success must be too much for you huh?



Scarlet: “I only endangered three whole people, and started chasing after a masked do-gooder entirely to satisfy my ego, while you all saved the whole town multiple times and- I just negated this entire conversation, didn’t I?”

Crazy56U: God damn it, Rainbow, did the pumpkin mean nothing to you?!

MrSing: “B-b-but muh ego.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Egos can be repaired, but pumpkins are forever.



Not only can you not be happy for her, you have to lie and cheat to just to keep up!



MrSing: Can you cheat while saving people? Do the firemen have like rules on how many people you can use to go and save a child?

Crazy56U: The girls were using real life cheat codes, obviously. (shrug)



But I guess that’s the best we can expect from a pony who can’t even keep her own farm going, huh?”

“EXCUSE ME?” said apple farmer shouted.



SC276: Yeah, that’s below the freakin’ belt, lady!

CaptainPipsqueak: Which has extra meaning when you don’t generally wear clothes...

Bucephalus: “I make more money than Calvin Coolidge, put together!”

Crazy56U: Applejack went deaf because of Rainbow’s ranting.

MrSing: Well, the barn does collapse like every season. It’s almost tradition now.



“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight yelled in something between surprise and outrage.



Scarlet: Oh, scratch the long-dead languages thing, that’s the tone I imagine most of my riffs in. Most.

Crazy56U: [Twilight] “Where do you get off bursting Applejack’s ear drums again?!”

MrSing: “She needs those to listen to her trees!”



Rainbow whirled on Twilight and sneered. “A real hero doesn’t brag? Is that what Princess Celestia’s been teaching you all these years Twilight?



MrSing: “Yeah, actually. There was an entire course, I even got credits for it.”

Crazy56U: Huh, I think I recall seeing “Intro to Douchebaggery” be mentioned once in an episode of “Community”...



Or are you just angry that I was getting pats on the back from everypony and she won’t even give you the time of day!”



SC276: This is turning into that Rainbow Factory prequel, which is exactly the impression I got when I skimmed it earlier.

Crazy56U: Don’t worry, that feeling doesn’t last throughout the whole story...

Scarlet: Yeah, Princess Celestia only has extended back and forth correspondence with Twilight via magical letters and occasionally entrusts her with arcane secrets and heroic tasks! Dash gets way more positive reception!

DaeCat: Does Celestia even know the time of day? The clocks go off the sun, but what does the sun go off?

Bucephalus: The sibylline books.



The unicorn’s temper flared and she opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off



SC276: No one can get a bloody line in in these fics!

Crazy56U: Holy fuck, Rainbow cut her mouth off!

MrSing: It’s the magic duel all over again.

Crazy56U: Except meaner.

CaptainPipsqueak: Which means funnier.



when Rainbow Dash whirled to point at Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. “And you three, thanks for stabbing me in the back!



MrSing: “No prob, bob. It was easy.”

Crazy56U: Dear god, now it’s “The Tragedy of Rainbow Dash”! Stop ripping off

Shakespeare and Julius Caesar!



I guess that’s what I get for standing up for you all those years, huh Fluttershy?



Scarlet: “Rainbow, we’ve been over this. Your character was bitten by a werewolf and Fluttershy’s assassin was just doing what she needed to do to protect the group. This is how Dn’D works sometimes.”

Crazy56U: [Rainbow] “Do you know how many ponies I had to beat up? Do you?!”



You know, since I’m not a real hero you’d better not fall out of some clouds anytime soon Rarity!



MrSing: Remember that time Rainbow Dash fucking made death threats to her friends in the show? Good times.

Crazy56U: I remember that episode, it was a good one! A lot better than “A Friend in Deed”, that’s for sure...



And Pinkie, you can forget about me playing pranks with you anymore, because if this is your idea of a prank, then it’s the stupidest one I’ve ever seen!”



Scarlet: “You could’ve at least arranged for me to get hit with multiple water balloons when I tried to chase you! That would’ve been funny!”

DaeCat: If it isn’t Pinkie’s idea of a prank, then what?

Crazy56U: Even stupider than that fake pregnancy thing?



Spike flinched at the last word,



Crazy56U: ...“seen”?

MrSing: Language, Crazy. Kids are reading this!

Crazy56U: Fuck, I forgot, thanks.



and Twilight frowned at the temperamental pony and stepped forward. “Rainbow Dash! What in Equestria had gotten into you?” she demanded.



SC276: The author, obviously.

Bucephalus: Suddenly, Twilight and Co. realized they were made of straw.

Crazy56U: The Rage Virus.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...and then she started biting ponies...



“What’s gotten into me? ME? You’re asking me that after what you did you-you…GAAAAAH!”



MrSing: Where will you be when rage induced strokes happen?

Crazy56U: This riffing is brought to you by LifeAlert.



she shouted after flying up in the air. “If you actually have to ask me that, then BUCK YOU Twilight! Buck all of you to Tartarus you bunch of whiney, ungrateful pathetic bunch of LOSERS!”



Scarlet: “I’ll kill ALL of you! I’ll kill you all to DEATH!”

DaeCat: Interesting fact - It is much easier to buck someone to Tartarus than it is to buck them to the moon. Pony legs are wondrous things.

Crazy56U: Okay, given Applejack’s behavior later on in the story and what ultimately happens because of that, did you really need to use pony swears, Author? #LetRainbowSayFuck2015

CaptainPipsqueak: What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anyone: fuck fuckity fuckfuckfuck…



The last line of Rainbow’s rant made Twilight blink, the shock sent her out of the paralysis she had found herself in while Rainbow Dash had been shouting at the sky,



MrSing: “And you the sky! Don’t think I will forgive you either!”

Crazy56U: “Rainbow Horse Yells At Cloud”



and apparently attracting the attention of several of the towns ponies.



SC276: Oh great, we’re getting a crowd now.

Crazy56U: [Crowd] “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!”



“W-What? Rainbow Dash, what’re you talking about?” she asked, confused over the unexpected turn of events.



Scarlet: “Could you possibly be… upset?”

Crazy56U: (sarcastically) Oh, golly, it’s not unlike Rainbow to be upset, this has never happened before!



“Heeeeeey,” Pinkie Pie whined. “You’re not supposed to talk that way to your friends Dashie!”

The words made the coat of the pegasus bristle as her look of anger turned to a sneer, shocking Twilight. “Oh really? Then guess what Pinkie? We-”



Scarlet: Jesus, even Dash is failing to complete sentences now.

Crazy56U: Blame Pinkie.





“Ooooo! Love guessing games is it-”



Bucephalus: Don’t kill me for liking that line.

Crazy56U: ...okay, so I won’t kill you... (smacks you upside the head)

Scarlet: And I’ve never been one for following murder rules. *sharpens a knife*



Before the pink pony could say another word, she was cut off when Rainbow Dash zoomed down to within inches of her muzzle. “WE’RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!”



SC276: Let’s see, Mare-Do-Well was season 2, so… when is Equestria completely doomed by supervillains, exactly?

Bucephalus: Nah. They’ve got Spike.

CaptainPipsqueak: So they’re doomed by Spike, then?

DaeCat: Then she threw the Element of Loyalty into the air, and everypony died.

Crazy56U: I wanna say by that goddamn wedding, but really, Cadance and Shining

saved the day there. There’s also Sombra, but that was more Cadance and Spike…

...so, really, I think they wind up getting screwed… during that Everfree nonsense in the season 4 premiere… I mean, providing Rainbow doesn’t leave them her Element…

...on the plus side, they won’t be able to free Discord, so… (shrug)

MrSing: Here we have the horrible realisation that Rainbow doesn’t matter in the show. Thanks fic, for completely convincing us of the opposite point you were trying to make.

Crazy56U: ...that wasn’t the point I was trying to make, that was more directed to the Elements of Harmony, but eh, apples and oranges...



The declaration left Twilight stunned. This was not how things should been going. According to her plan, Rainbow Dash should have seen the right of things agreed with them!



Scarlet: Then she realized she had miscalculated, and Dash had seen the left instead.

Crazy56U: Oh dear, Twilight forgot to account for the fact that Merriwether Williams isn’t there to make Rainbow be cool with this asinine situation…

CaptainPipsqueak: Heh. you said ‘ass’.



After all, they had shown her how she had been acting when she came into Sugarcube Corner, they had shown that a real hero didn’t sit around to sign autographs and all the other things she did.



SC276: Especially when it’s instead of helping in perhaps life-threatening situations.

Crazy56U: Okay, that’s actually a big issue I have with the episode. Did simply telling Rainbow what she was doing was bad not fucking once enter their brains? OR were they like, “Fuck that, too hard, let’s cosplay and humiliate her like the bitch she is! YAY!!!!”



So why is she doing this?



Crazy56U: Because she’s pissed that you did this to her, Dumbass, not that hard to

get!



She furrowed her brow in thought. With things spiraling so out of control, she would need to take drastic measures for Rainbow Dash to admit her mistake.



MrSing: Good thing she always carries a gun around exactly for these kind of occasions.

Crazy56U: She’s a member of the Pony NRA.



On top of which, Twilight would need to make her apologize to her friends for being such a jerk!



SC276: OK, first thing to do is get away from the crowd...

Crazy56U: ...Twilight’s gonna kick Rainbow’s ass, now?



Fluttershy flew up to the air and met Rainbow Dash as she went higher into the air. “R-Rainbow Dash, we were just trying to help you.”

“HELP ME?” she shouted in Fluttershy’s face making the butter-yellow pegasus retreat before the other flying pony lowered her voice. “If that’s what you call help, then I don’t ever want your help again!”



Scarlet: Oh look, it’s the author’s relationship with his critics!

DaeCat: If it isn’t Fluttershy’s idea of help, what then?

MrSing: “Then I might on occasion, with prior discussion, want your help again!”

Crazy56U: Hey now, Fluttershy’s original plan was to give you the massage she once gave that bear, so...



“R-Rainbow,” Fluttershy stuttered before a cry from behind her made the pegasus look around in startlement and check to make sure she wasn’t wearing her costume.



SC276: Would they have removed them by now? I honestly lost track.

Crazy56U: They haven’t taken them off yet, no. Which honestly surprises me because, given how much Rainbow’s been yelling, they should’ve been blown off by the force of her voice by now.



“Oh my gosh! It’s Mare Do Well!”



Scarlet: “Who I somehow knew to find here because of the reason!”

DaeCat: “Nope, just another cosplayer. Damn!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh fuck; are we in another ‘Displaced’ fic?

Crazy56U: Nope, Chuck Testa.



The voice of the orange filly running through the crowd made the rest of the girls turn and look back at the assembled ponies that had been gathering since Rainbow Dash had flown above the roof of the houses and yelling.



Scarlet: Which means Scootaloo heard that entire conversation and rightly decided Dash is being as big an asshat as everyone else involved. I knew I liked that kid.

Crazy56U: She’s gonna go places.



As Scootaloo ran past the older ponies, it seemed to open up the floodgates and everypony else swarmed the friends that had taken off their masks.



Scarlet: Shit, the mob from last fic is back! I’m still not prepped!

SC276: After the last two times, I’m not using the slingshots again.

Crazy56U: [Crowd] “ATTACK THE IMPOSTERS!”



Twilight and the others quickly found themselves jostled by a crowd of ponies as they were beset by dozens of questions, thanks, and several requests for autographs, and they all looked around wildly while trying to fend off the attention.



Scarlet: Fluttershy retreated into an alternate shyness dimension.

MrSing: In a fit of irony, Twilight did not retreat to the Twilight Zone.

Crazy56U: In an even bigger fit of irony, though, she went into the Outer Limits.



“Applejack, You’re Mare Do Well?”

The farmer stood up a little straighter and puffed out her chest. “Ah sure as shooin’ am!” she said before noticing the purple unicorn looking her way



DaeCat: The animators accidentally put Twilight twice in this scene.

MrSing: She was wearing the costume though, so no one noticed.

Crazy56U: (deadpan) Oh, look, she’s doing the same thing that Rainbow did that they

thought was bad… Meh.



and bent down a bit. “Well, it was a team effort. Uh, need me to sign that fer ya huh? Okay, just a second.”



Scarlet: Oh, I get it! Because AJ and the rest are acting like Rainbow did in the episode, they’re clearly hypocrites! Wow, this message is so subtle!

MrSing: Never let the author give lessons in workplace safety.

Crazy56U: [Applejack] “Okay, there we- wait, is this a restraining order?”

[Pony] “Just sign it, ma’am.”



Twilight frowned at the display of Applejack standing around while a group of ponies started to gather around her personally, then felt somepony tugging on her cape.



Scarlet: No, no, kid. You don’t tug on Supermare’s cape or spit in the wind! You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and for the love of God stop messing around with Jim!

Crazy56U: And then, five seconds later, the pony ripped it off and ran for the hills. It was later sold on eBay for like a ton of money.



“Oh, yes?” A second later, a filly jumped into Twilight’s forelegs,



MrSing: “You’re my mommy now, no take backsies.”

Crazy56U: “GIVE ME THAT HAT!”



and she held the foal up while another pony who looked like the girl’s mother snapped a picture. The flash made Twilight stumble back, and she blinked several times while trying to clear her eyes.



Scarlet: The flash is blinding her to the world’s obvious contrivance.

SC276: OK, we went from “heartbreaking betrayal tragedy” to whatever the hell this is.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, that did not work, and Twilight became permanently blind.



“I got a picture with the unicorn Mare Do Well Mommy!”

“Oh thank you Twilight Sparkle!”

“Wha? Now, hold on everypony, there’s no need to-”



Scarlet: No, author, I don’t think you’ve made your point hard enough. Please, continue!

Crazy56U: Author, if you make the point any sharper, you could kill someone with it.

CaptainPipsqueak: Watch for the ‘Mare Do Well Mommy’ doll, this Christmas season!

MrSing: If you pull its strings it tells you to do chores.



“Twilight!” a stallion said from within the crowd. “Is was you that fixed the dam right?”



MrSing: “Yes, is was me.”

Crazy56U: Dio, get the fuck out of here.



The unicorn blushed at the attention and smiled at it. “Well, yes. It was me,” she said before looking back up at Rainbow Dash. Her smile of accomplishment turned to a worried frown when she caught sight of the pegasus’s scowl.



Scarlet: No, Rainbow’s not mad at Twilight. She’s just as bored with this hamfisted attempt to defend her as I am!

SC276: There’s a difference between bragging and owning up to your actions, author.

Crazy56U: Give Rainbow credit here, it’s taking everything she has to not start screaming again.



“That was an amazing spell Twilight!” a squeaky voice said from down on the ground. It took a second for the unicorn to look and see that Sweetie Bell was standing next to her. “You must be the most amazing unicorn ever! Can you teach me magic?”



Scarlet: Actually, the most amazing unicorn ever was Meadowbrook the Mage, whose mere mention allows me to substitute her as a founding principle behind all sorts of magic technobabble! Bless you, DHX.

Bucephalus: I thought it was Starswirl. Isn’t he 90% of Equestria’s history?

SC276: “Meadowbrook” just reminds me of Redwall.

Scarlet: Sssshhh! I’m trying to be subtle about why I think she’s the best!

Crazy56U: Unbeknownst to Twilight, that little pony wants to learn how to kill others with lazers.



Twilight smiled at the compliment, but it was the request that caught her attention. “Oh, well I’d be happy to help you learn how to use your horn Sweetie Bell…



MrSing: *HONK HONK*

Crazy56U: A-like so.



if it’s okay with your parents that is.”

Twilight looked back up to the sky, and found Rainbow Dash had disappeared. Then she turned her attention back to the others. “Uh girls, shouldn’t we do something about Rainbow Dash?”



Scarlet: “I vaguely recall an alternate universe where this results in all of us being murdered. I mean I dismissed it as the dumbest thing ever, but you know!”

Crazy56U: Oh Lord, I barely remember that riff… Was that the one where I punched a hole in the wall?

SC276: ...you didn’t read ahead, right? I haven’t, I’m just guessing. That’s not where it goes, right?

Scarlet: Previous riff, SC. You can relax.

Crazy56U: Spoilers: at one point, Apple Bloom pulls a knife on Twist. Dead serious.



Applejack let out a huff. “Why? You heard how she insulted me like that Twilight? Let the stupid little foal throw her tantrum. Not mah fault she can’t handle the truth!”



Scarlet: “Y’ALL NEED ME THERE ON THAT WALL, GROWIN’ YOUR FOOD!”

SC276: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Crazy56U: She said, doing the literal exact thing they accused Rainbow of doing.



she said before signing another autograph and taking a picture with Scootaloo. “That’s right everypony, come and get yer picture with the greatest hero in Equestria, right here!”



Scarlet: Funny, I wasn’t aware that Princess Celestia was in this group.

SC276: Applejack, you’re killing me here.

Crazy56U: (sing-song voice) She gets worse!!!



Thanks to the fact she wasn’t wearing a costume, the white unicorn of the group was able to avoid being swarmed and made her way over to the pink Mare Do Well.



Scarlet: That’s nice, but what happened to Rarity and Pinkie Pie?

Crazy56U: Smoke break.



Apparently, the sad demeanor of the third costumed pony was keeping all the others away.



Scarlet: Who are all these people? Proper nouns, please!

Crazy56U: (CinemaSins voice) Author plays the pronoun game so that we have to ask who “the third costumed pony” is. (ding!)



“Pinkie?” Rarity spoke up as she walked over to the party pony. “Are you alright?”

“She…she said…Rarity…why aren’t Dashie and me friends anymore?” Pinkie asked the unicorn with tears in her eyes.



Scarlet: “Because the universe is conspiring against us, Pinkie. Don’t worry, dear, none of this is canon.”

Crazy56U: And thank God for that.



Unable to come up with the answer herself on the spot, Rarity looked around for support, but found Applejack continuing to sign autographs.



MrSing: Stop judging her, she needs that sweet autograph money to support her farm.

Crazy56U: And to sustain her ego, lest it withers and dies.



As for Twilight, she too caught up in talking to a bunch of other unicorns that were asking her for magic lessons on how to repair everything around town.



Scarlet: I’m kind of amazed that the author felt that in order to articulate his problem with an episode about poor attitudes regarding your own heroism, he needed to force in villains.

Bucephalus: I’m surprised that they haven’t just collapsed from being made of so much straw.

Crazy56U: Well, that’s what happens when you have a point to make… but you wind up fucking it up.



“Oh well, the spell is kind of complicated, so it’s not something just anypony can do. I guess if you look at it that way, I am pretty amazing… Okay, okay, really amazing,”



MrSing: R.I.P. in pieces, Twilight’s actual characterisation.

Scarlet: Well, that’s both of my favorites in the villain bullshit chair. *holds up a checklist marked ‘shit list’, adds the fic’s title to it*

Crazy56U: Well, it’s more Applejack’s chair than Twilight’s...



Twilight said to the group of unicorns standing around her that were mostly foals.



Scarlet: Because no adult would ever be impressed by a little thing like magically repairing a dam just before the town floods.

SC276: Now that I’m done being mad, this fic has lost all purpose. I can’t find anything worth reacting to here; I just don’t have anything for this much forced irony.

Crazy56U: Huh, so apparently she is teaching them how to make death lasers...



Then she looked over to Applejack. “That’s right little sister, yer big sister’s a bone-E-fied here-row!”



MrSing: Look ma! I can talk with a broken jaw!

Crazy56U: Someone broke her jaw? ...too good for her, I say...



the farm pony said as another crowd of foals gathered around her to listen to how she stopped the cart. “It was a tough job, but Ah am the strongest, fastest, and best athlete in Equestria. Remember how Ah bring home all them blue ribbons every rodeo?”



Scarlet: I can make a very convincing case that this entire fic is Rainbow Dash mimicking her friends while locked alone in a room.

SC276: Yeah, that’s like the only explanation for stuff like this.

Crazy56U: Oh, yeah, that’s right, “The Last Roundup” didn’t happen yet. ... (chuckle) Irony.



Seeing as she wasn’t going to get any help, Rarity looked back to her friend and sighed. “Um, well…I’m sure she’s just…a little out of sorts. Perhaps she’s sick or something, Celestia knows I can be a real terror if I get a migraine.”



Scarlet: Yeah, I stand by my earlier statement. The world’s greatest fashionista detective would not be nearly this stupid.

Crazy56U: Well, my money’s on simple bad characterisation on the Author’s part. That’s more realistic to me.

Scarlet: Realism and this fic are not friends.

MrSing: It’s a sad day when talking magical ponies are the most realistic thing in a story.



“R-Really?”

The unicorn nodded and tried to sound more sure of herself than she had before. “Really!”



Scarlet: Really really?

Crazy56U: Really really really!

MrSing: Fo’ sho!

SC276: Crazy into you!

Crazy56U: EW, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!



Almost immediately, Pinkie perked up and practically exploded back into a joyful grin. “Oh good! I thought it was because we betrayed her trust and undermined her whole self-image by making her feel completely useless and unappreciated by the entire town and her friends before we laughed in her face when she came to us looking for a confidence boost!”



Scarlet: “I mean it’s not as if needing constant praise and adulation from others in order to function isn’t as stunting and disturbing a way to live as any I can think of!”

Crazy56U: Behold: Self-awareness.

MrSing: Yeah, good thing they actually didn’t do that in the original episode. Oh, we’re talking about the fic? Oh.



she exclaimed, making Rarity stumble back in both shock and confusion. “But it’s just because she had a headache! That makes sooooooo much more sense, thanks Rarity!”



DaeCat: Author is *this* close to actually writing a decent explanation, but STRAW

MAN.

Crazy56U: If I didn’t know better, I’d assume that Pinkie was being sarcastic.



For her part, Rarity simply stared at the pink pony for a moment, trying to make sense of the rush of words that ran through her ears. “W-What?”



Scarlet: Rarity realizes she’s trapped in a terrible aesop with no way out.

SC276: I see Pinkie is in full-on stupid mode in this one…

Crazy56U: No, not really, truth be told, she’s actually the only one who is actually aware of the circumstances of what’s going on, dead fucking serious.



“What are we all just standing around for? We’ve got a parade to get to!” Pinkie shouted as she turned to the crowd. “It’s like a moving party, come on everypony!”



Scarlet: A parade for what? Did I scrub something from the episode out of my memory?

Bucephalus: I vaguely remember there being a parade for Mare Do Well. Although, most of that episode feels like a fever dream nowadays.

SC276: I only really remember five episodes from season 2. The start, the end, and “It’s About Time” because that’s one of the only episodes I can actually rewatch.

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, I do remember a lot about the episode, and yes, there was a parade honoring Mare Do Well. Rainbow crashed in and tried to unmask her, leading to a chase and the reveal.



As the crowd picked up a delighted Applejack, a somewhat less delighted Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie on their shoulders and took off,



MrSing: Wait! You forgot to mention how delighted Pinkie Pie was relative to her friends. The public deserves to know!

Crazy56U: Pinkie’s always happy, no need to be redundant, Sing.



Rarity noticed Fluttershy was still just standing…or flying in the air with a broken hearted look on her face.



Scarlet: Fluttershy, being more sensitive to bullshit morals, saw this coming.

Crazy56U: ...so, which is it? Was she standing, flying, walking on air, what?

MrSing: Rarity forgot to wear her glasses.



“Rarity, she said…she told me…what she said…it…it was so mean!” the pegasus exclaimed before looking over at the unicorn with tearful eyes.



Scarlet: With despair in her heart, Fluttershy realizes she can only play the part she is given until the very end.

Bucephalus: *cue corny music* All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and screw you author for making the Mane Six into strawmen.

Crazy56U: (produces a Molotov cocktail) How about a little fire, Scarecrow? (chucks it)



Seeing Fluttershy’s pain filled face, the unicorn felt the last bit of her control snap.



SC276: Kinda pretty close to that myself.

Crazy56U: I have a feeling the Author was this close from having this turn into one of those “serial killer Rarity” stories...

MrSing: It’s like those “Scootaloo is a chicken” jokes, but with murder.



She frowned, but not at Fluttershy. She frowned up at the space where Rainbow Dash had occupied a second before. “Yes it was, wasn’t it?” she grunted. Then, she forced herself to brighten up.



MrSing: “HRRRG I AM HAPPY!”

Crazy56U: Shing! Sparkle, sparkle.



“Come on, this parade is for you too remember?”



Scarlet: Rarity rolls a critical botch on this conversation.

Crazy56U: Rarity, you suck at comforting.



The yellow pegasus froze and trembled for a moment. “W-What?” Oh Rarity no,



MrSing: “You know I’m deadly allergic to parades.”

Crazy56U: [Fluttershy] “You want me to feel worse about this situation, don’t you?!”



I…please don’t tell anypony I’m Mare Do Well too! I-I don’t want ponies looking at me like that!”



Scarlet: “Have you seen the fanfiction they write?”

Crazy56U: (looks at watch) And 5... 4...



Rarity gave her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry dear, I wont.”



Scarlet: As she was wont to do.

Crazy56U: (raises hand) 3... 2...



Although, she more she thought about it…having everypony in town know about Fluttershy’s role as Mare Do Well would help the pegasus get over her crippling shyness.



Scarlet: 100/10, best anxiety solver on the planet.

Bucephalus: IMDb rates 8.4/10. Not enough poor logic. We need more.

SC276: No, Rarity, don’t…!

Crazy56U: 1… (snaps fingers)



“But wait...I know I saw a pegasus Mare Do Well too!” Scootaloo spoke up before she looked around for a minute, “and if it wasn’t Rainbow Dash then it had to be...



MrSing: Derpy!

Crazy56U: Rainbow Dash! ...wait...



Fluttershy!”



MrSing: Aw.

Scarlet: “There are literally no other pegasus ponies in existence!”

Crazy56U: GG Scoots, now Rarity doesn’t have to throw Fluttershy under the bus!



“W-WHAT?” the mare in question shrieked before a mob of pegasi descended on her.



SC276: Well, at least it wasn’t Rarity.

Crazy56U: The only saving grace.



“Oh my gosh that’s right, those girls do everything together! She had to be the pegasus!”



Scarlet: The mob swarmed her, attempting to acquire a mint-condition Mare-Do-Well (still in costume).

Bucephalus: I swear, if you turn this into a fable about collecting Mare Do Well’s and going insane they’ll never identify your corpse.

Scarlet: Hmm? Oh, they never did, actually. My murder is still unsolved.

Crazy56U: Huh, t-that’s nice… (quietly dials 911)

MrSing: Don’t think I didn’t see you call the police just because you made your text white, Crazy.

Crazy56U: (nervous chuckle) C-c’mon, that’s silly, I didn’t do that… Dude, shut up...



“Yeah! Come on guy, we can’t let our hero have the spotlight stolen from her,” another one of the 0000flying ponies proclaimed before the yellow pegasus was hoisted up into the air.



Scarlet: Yeah, you show ‘em guy! Whoever you are!

SC276: Isn’t she already in the air…?

Crazy56U: Now you understand my confusion. In honor of that, more of the “Greatest American Hero” theme.



For a moment Rarity wondered how she had been left in the alleyway if ‘all’ the girls were supposed to do everything together,



MrSing: Please clarify that going to the bathroom doesn’t count. I need to know for sure.

Crazy56U: Even dying! They came up with a suicide pact a few months ago...



but she sighed and let the other mares have their fame. She had gotten enough from all the custom costumes that every foal in town was ordering. Thanks to Mare Do Well, her off season was looking to be a bit more profitable than usual this year.



Scarlet: This is probably the only detail in the story I’d be willing to accept as headcanon.

SC276: At least Rarity seems to be coming out of this relatively unscathed- I just jinxed it, didn’t I.

Crazy56U: Sort of, the story ends with Twilight essentially tricking Rarity into brainwashing her. ...at this point, do I even need to stress that I’m being serious here?

MrSing: She doesn’t need the praise of others for her good deeds. She got the only reward that really matters: money.



And if the idea became more popular… If I trademark the design of the costume and the character...oh my, this might turn out to be quite the win for me after all.



Scarlet: Marevel Comics is born.

SC276: More like Dark Horse Comics.

Crazy56U: This is for you, never do that again.



Rainbow Dash landed at her cloud home with a scowl on her face, feeling tears in her eyes threatening to form.



Scarlet: The lachrymal union had banded together.

Crazy56U: Well, we got some time to kill, hows about we have more of Rainbow’s ranting?

MrSing: Damnit Rainbow, if you rain on this beautiful and sunny day we won’t be able to complain about the cliché again.



How the buck could they do that to me? The pegasus mentally shouted.



SC276: ~How could this happen to me…? / I’ve made my mistakes...~

Crazy56U: Once again, #LetRainbowSayFuck2015



Not a real hero?

HER?

The fastest flyer in Equestria?



Scarlet: Rainbow Dash learned everything about heroics that she knows from Sonic The Hedgehog.

SC276: And apparently forgot about the Wonderbolts in the process.

Crazy56U: Rainbow, unless you’ve managed to merge with the Speed Force at some point, you are not the fastest flyer, let alone the fastest thing... yet.



“Well what the buck do they know?” she shouted.



Scarlet: How to create an anonymous public persona to divert attention from themselves while silently assisting the community through feats of incredible strength and skill?

Crazy56U: Rainbow, honey, unless you’re talking to the clouds you yelled at earlier, no one is around to hear that. ...and even then, you’ve upset those clouds, so I doubt then they would stick around and hear you rant.



Twilight had to have been the one behind it all, Rainbow could see the bucking unicorn setting everything up so that the pegasus would have failed!



Scarlet: But, mark you, only while bucking things. At any other time, it could not possibly be Twilight this censor is stupid, fandom. Please abandon it.

Crazy56U: Thank you. #LetRainbowSayFuck2015

SC276: You’re saying that the Mane Six orchestrated all the disasters they helped to fix? ...what? Why the fuck would they even do that? That would mean this is basically that Rainbow Factory prequel all over again!

Crazy56U: Rainbow’s just being angry-paranoid, SC, trust me, I’ve read this story, that’s not what actually happened.



I mean come on, Rainbow Dash thought to herself, I can buy all the stuff that happened in town, but the dam,



MrSing: #LetRainbowSayDamn2015

Crazy56U: HEY #Plagarism



the bucking dam that was miles away from Ponyville and she just happens to show up after it breaks from me touching it? Did Twilight think she was an idiot or something? I nearly drowned because of that stupid unicorn!



Scarlet: “I mean it’s not as if I ever endangered people by focusing on aggrandizing myself above a chance to help out others!”

SC276: “And it’s not like she can’t teleport or something!”

Crazy56U: Rainbow, that one was on your head, you have to at least realize that.



Applejack? How many times had she come to all of the others asking for help hauling apples, or just harvesting her own crops?



MrSing: Only true heroes can do farm work.

Crazy56U: ...well, Superman did grow up on a farm...



The stupid earth pony couldn’t even run her own farm! And she’s calling me a fake? At least I can do what my cutie mark says I can!



Scarlet: Rainbow Dash failed agriculture, business, basic economics, and common sense simultaneously in that moment.

SC276: Uh, wasn’t the point of the fourth episode of the entire show that she’s stubborn and doesn’t ask others for help?

Crazy56U: C’mon guys, that was Season 1, I doubt Rainbow can remember that far back. ...this Rainbow, I mean.



Pinkie Pie going along with their scheme was…well, Rainbow Dash supposed she really didn’t know Pinkie all that well after all.



MrSing: I guess they defeated all those villains with the elements of being acquaintances.

Crazy56U: It was actually more the magic of plot convenience, if you think about it.



The time she had seen the whacko playing with her rocks and that bag of flour made the pegasus shiver. Apparently, there was a backstabbing side to the mare along with her crazy and nutso one.



Scarlet: Who would’ve thought she’d multi-class as a ninja and take a split personality flaw!

SC276: She was going nuts from loneliness! Did this author even watch more than half the series?!

Crazy56U: Look, I know that I keep complaining about Pinkie, but not even I would jump to such conclusions. Rainbow, you need to calm down.



Rarity? Well, Rainbow Dash had seen her true colors the day she tried to steal the spotlight from the pegasus during the Young Fliers Competition. Rainbow knew Rarity was a snake



Scarlet: Specifically a venomous king cobra.

Crazy56U: Rarity is Solid Snake. Confirmed.

Scarlet: “For this mission, we’ll be assigning you the code name ‘Silken Snake’.”



…she just didn’t think the unicorn would have kept up with it after the pegasus had saved her life!



SC276: Wasn’t she just on a temporary power-high from getting wings?

Crazy56U: I think she was on a completely different high during that competition, if you ask me. Given the amount of makeup she used, she probably got a contact high from the fumes.



Fluttershy was…the idea that Fluttershy had helped them spit in her face made Rainbow Dash grit her teeth.



Scarlet: “Rainbow! Let’s see you grit those teeth!”

Crazy56U: And here, we have an artist’s rendition of Rainbow’s current facial

expression:





All the others she could understand, accept, and toss aside like dirty laundry, but when Fluttershy had revealed that she had been in on it too…the pain in Rainbow Dash’s gut more than doubled.



SC276: Huzzah! The pain has been doubled!

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, what Rainbow did not know was that her pancreas had popped. She will be dead within a few hours.



And to top it off, there was what Fluttershy had said about Mare Do Well. “She really cares about other ponies.”



Scarlet: That one hurts because it’s factually accurate!

Crazy56U: Yeah, how dare she have empathy! ...fuck, I just reminded myself of a better fanfic...



“And I don’t?” Rainbow grumbled. “Well you know what? Fine! Be that way! You’re right! I don’t care, I’ll never care about any of you girls again! Buck you girls, and buck this whole bucking town!



Crazy56U: And then Rainbow decided to go around town and crap on pony’s houses.

MrSing: Well, where do you think the toilet in her cloud house leads to?



And when they’re all going, ‘Oh save us Mare Do Well’ and you all buck up, I’M GOING TO BE THERE TO LAUGH IN YOUR STUPID FACES!”’



Scarlet: “And when you dweebs look up from the filth and slime of the gutter and you scream ‘Be awesome for us!’, I’ll look down and whisper… no.”

Crazy56U: So, if Rainbow’s Rorschach in this situation, then who’s Doctor Manhattan?



Author's Note:

Well, here's my attempted redo of one of my earlier works.



Scarlet: Pitiful attempt.

SC276: Oh god, he thought this was a good idea a first time?

Crazy56U: I’m actually afraid to know what the first draft was like...

MrSing: When at first you don’t succeed, just give up.



After several months of putting something on the back burner, letting it sit, adding a little bit to chapter three here and there...it just kind of pittered out before I could get to the end that I had planned.



Scarlet: To the general regret of no one.

Crazy56U: Sometimes, dead is better, Author. Why did you resurrect this story?



Which is a shame because believe it or not...Mysterious Mare Do Well was the first FULL mlp episode I watched when I was getting into the show.



Scarlet: You poor bastard.

SC276: Mine was “Bridle Gossip,” but I came out well-adjusted. What’s your excuse?

Crazy56U: Oh, Jesus Christ!



Thankfully I hadn't gotten so attached to the characters I didn't feel like murdering the rest of the Mane 6 for being such assholes and so I just saw the DWD reference that the costume was.

Of course by the second time around I was all "FUCK YOU GIRLS! I'll write a better ending myself!"



Scarlet: Yes, counter mean-spiriting writing with mean-spirited writing! Give in to hate! Give in to the dark side!

SC276: I don’t even see the issue! Rainbow Dash was going full ego train, so they had to resort to extreme measures to get through to her and make sure nopony got hurt!

Crazy56U: Dude, if I wasn’t such a shit writer, I could’ve written a better alternate ending than you! Hell, practically anyone could!



and thus my entry into MLP fanfiction was made.



MrSing: Like a star in the sky that falls down and kills the dinosaurs.

Crazy56U: It came in like Miley Cyrus.



But it had been awhile since I had wrote ANYTHING like a story and I was still pretty rusty. Hell, just take a look at Not Another Alicorn! to see how bad everything was.



Scarlet: This isn’t an author’s note, it’s a dying confession to an internet priest.

SC276: Because regular priests would’ve already damned him.

Crazy56U: He’s been banned from all churches in the United States, except for the South. And not even he wants to go to the South.



I was even so lazy I used a talk to type program that liked to turn a descriptive into a river.



SC276: I’ve been considering looking into those for my smartphone, but I’m not comfortable with saying stuff out loud to write it out yet.

Crazy56U: Dude, are you basically trying to pin the blame for this on your computer?

MrSing: This is why Skynet nuked the planet.



I went two paths, one being Rainbow gets rewarded for not beating the shit out of her friends for being A-holes, and another where she succumbs to darkness



Scarlet: And presumably becomes one of the thirteen vessels of Xehanort.

Crazy56U: And becomes a Nightmare- wait, shit, that’s another story...



but while the hero story that had as many stupid premises as I could cram into the beginning just for kicks actually worked, the other one that I planned on Rainbow gaining a version of Discords power in which she could make ponies nightmares a reality in every sense of the word...didn't.



Scarlet: What’s sad is I think my riff might have been a better, more sensible suggestion.

SC276: What is wrong with this author?!

Crazy56U: My guess? ...he was born.

MrSing: Isn’t the story over? Why are there still words?



Mostly because it became a question of whether it was the Nightmare, or Rainbow would be giving the ponies their way overdone comeuppance.



Scarlet: Because, you know, Twilight and co. are totally deserving of retaliation beyond maybe an awkward glare.

Crazy56U: Or Rainbow leaving on the spot when they tried having her write a friendship letter on this “experience”.



Plus, it was an adventure story with all that out there stuff, when at its heart, Mare Do Well is slice of life despite all the magic and ponies involved.



Scarlet: After all, Slice of Life typically deals with exploding dams and runaway baby carriages.

Crazy56U: Well, “Slice of Life” technically did that, but that came out after this episode.



So here's a slice of life story instead, set before TwiDash could connect through reading,



Scarlet: Oh great. There’s a ship.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a cannon) Fire when ready.



before Applejack could learn the pain of failure or Pinkie's current level of empathy could develop, before Fluttershy could voice her opinions, and before Rarity blushed at her actions while on a camping trip,



SC276: Before a plot that makes any sort of decent sense could take place…

Crazy56U: Before the end times.



when all they had done is watch Rainbow at a little air show where Rarity did her best to outstage the pegasus with a pair of magic wings and bad music...enjoy!

...or four pastel ponies will do their best to ruin your happiness to teach you a 'lesson'.



Scarlet: And a few intrepid riffers will do our best to assist them in that task!

SC276: Specifically ruining the author’s happiness.

RingmasterJ5: I haven’t seen author’s notes that long since the dark days of mid-2000s FFNet. But anyway, here’s our last sample for the week, found by our own ScarletWeather. This fic is from a certain “genre” that popped up during the period of about a year where riffing was mostly dormant.

Fallen Prime: A subgenre, really. One that cropped up in the wake of the League of Humans Acting Villainous, a trend that involved people cosplaying as villains and going to Equestria in the bodies of those villains. Self-insert power-trip bullshit. This little offshoot does depressingly little to set itself off, except for expanding its scope nominally past villains and establishing a convoluted and overly complicated lore that doesn’t even apply to the vast majority of otherwise standalone stories.

RingmasterJ5: That last bit sort of reminds me of something… Anyway, carry on.

Fallen Prime: This subgenre is simply known as... Displaced. It’s a self-insert Gary-Stu-ridden clusterfuck, its community is an overprotective circlejerk, and its recent improvements are depressingly limited in scope and do nothing about the attitudes of the people it affects or caters to.

Seriously. The group’s story idea threads are exclusively filled with ideas about which character for a blank-slate self-insert to cosplay as next, with no variation on the “go to Equestria, fuck shit up” formula. Like, seriously, why the fuck can’t you just use the character?

RingmasterJ5: Seems to me that it’s a case of someone wanting to do both a self-insert and a crossover with their favorite character, but couldn’t decide which and came up with a middle ground that manages to be worse than either by themselves.

Fallen Prime: Despite what the white-knights keep spewing in the face of NUMEROUS Rage Reviews of stories in the genre. None favorable, I might add, despite many being from their “cream of the crop.”

RingmasterJ5: Seems like it’s high time one of these got riffed. And, of course, we’re not going to spoil what this character is ‘displaced’ into, that’d ruin the fun. Without further ado, the sample of “A Displaced Monster” by Prince_Zodiac.

Scarlet: Okay, before we go on, short preamble which I wanted to do but slept past the intro-writing time because I Have To Sleep In Order to Work. I do not think Fallen or Ring are representing Displaced accurately, because no representation of Displaced is complete without examples of specific batshit. The first Displaced story I ever read featured a Digimon who spontaneously changed genders in the following chapter with no explanation until a crossover with a Displaced Tenth Doctor revealed the answer several chapters later. It was hysterical. I had planned to submit it, but given it spent maybe five minutes actually including ponies, I decided to include something a bit less out there and somehow a bit more dumb.

Crazy56U: Okay, real talk, I’m only, like, 23% sure I didn’t just hallucinate that big

bundle of text.



Chapter One: Monster, Or Savior?



SC276: ~Now here is a riddle / to guess if you can / sing the bells of Notre Dame / Who is the monster and who is the man…?~

Crazy56U: (pulls out a tape recorder) Glad I saved this… (hits the “Play” button)

Tape Recorder: Oh, wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night...

MrSing: Godzilla or Jesus? Place your bets.



{Applebloom's POV}



SC276: He literally needs to state it. Well, no way this guy has any experience writing before.

Crazy56U: Well, it’s either that, or awkwardly revealing this via narration.

{MrSing’s riff}: Yeah, that format would be dumb.



"C'mon girls!" I yelled as I raced ahead.

"We're coming!" Scootaloo shouted back.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle caught up to me and we started walking through the Everfree forest. We were going to visit Zecora, we hadn't done that in a while.



SC276: They also hadn’t been punctuating all their sentences properly.

Crazy56U: Well, two days is a while for children.



"I wonder what she's been doing lately?" Sweetie Belle said.



SC276: No idea - we have no idea what her daily life is like. Now there’s an episode I’d like to see!

Crazy56U: My guess is that she’s been learning how to knit.

MrSing: Doesn’t she spend all day making drugs out in the boonies?



"Yeah!" I said. "Hey, do ya think that she'll teach us how to make potions?"

"That would AWESOME!" Scootaloo said.



Scarlet: Twilight Time’s good points now include negating the need for this fic’s existence!

Crazy56U: Applebloom, c’mon, don’t you remember the last time you lot messed around with potions?

MrSing: “Hey kids, who wants to learn how to make amphetamines?”



"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS POTION MAKERS YEAH!" We all said together. We all started laughing, until we heard the growling.



SC276: *holding a microphone and grinning evilly*

Crazy56U: I take it that growling isn’t coming from their stomachs?

MrSing: Don’t worry kids, that’s just the audience.



We all froze up, and slowly turned around.



Scarlet: “It was difficult, since freezing had robbed us of our mobility.”

Crazy56U: They were being chased by Bonnie Tyler!



We saw green eyes coming from the shade of a nearby bush.



MrSing: False alarm, it was just two disembodied eyes.



The growling rose in volume and it started to sound, not like and angry growl,



SC276: I heard Like and Angry makes some good burritos.

DaeCat: Damn, I could go for a burrito right now. That growl - it’s my stomach.

Crazy56U: (pulls out some Pringles) Glad I thought ahead... (opens the can, starts

eating)



but a hungry one. Then, a timberwolf leaped out of the bushes, and landed right in front of us.



SC276: Like a scripted encounter or something.

Crazy56U: This is veering dangerously close to Little Red Riding Hood territory.



It stared at us, with hunger in it's eyes.



SC276: We get it, author, it’s hungry.

Bucephalus: No, it’s literally got hunger in its eyes. The Inside Out script got mixed up.

DaeCat: Hunger pointed a small sword and yelled loudly, “Onward! To burritos!”

Crazy56U: (is now devouring the Pringles can)



We were all frozen in fear. It started walking towards us. For some reason, I couldn't move.



MrSing: “We were standing in quicksand, filled with bear traps and glue.”



No matter how hard I tried, my legs wouldn't move an inch.



Scarlet: Meta-Bloom senses the existence of a bullshit self-insert and trembles.

Crazy56U: [Applebloom] “My horrorscope said that my cause of death would be because of chickens, not timberwolves!”



It got closer, and closer, then took a swipe at us.



MrSing: Oh shit! He has a knife!

Crazy56U: God help us, the timberwolves are evolving! Soon, they’ll learn how to use guns! PANIC



Suddenly, I was able to move, and so were Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. We ducked and ran, the timberwolf chasing behind us.



SC276: Running! Swiping! Excitement!

Crazy56U: Well, this story just started- fuck it, CHASE SCENE!



It was staring to gain on us,



SC276: Was it a Care Bear Stare?

Crazy56U: It got on a Warp Star was was about five second away from mowing them

down.



and we had no choice but to start turning corners,



MrSing: Luckily this open forest has lots of those. It even has stairs and elevators.

Crazy56U: Ooh, it even has a food court!



trying to lose it. However, that wasn't working. It was like it knew were we would go, and would be able to follow us easily.



SC276: The author sold them out.

Crazy56U: It read the script! Bastard.

MrSing: He’s hacked into their GPS.



It leaped at us again, and swiped in mid air. It got Sweetie by the back of the legs, but it also flew into a tree.



Scarlet: Leap! Swipe! Grab! Now do a barrel roll!

CaptainPipsqueak: I swear, if I have to rescue Slippy one more time, I’m just going to let the incompetent little shit burn.

Crazy56U: Man, this timberwolf sucks at timberwolf-ing.



"AHH!" Sweetie Belle cried.

"SWEETIE!" Scootaloo and I cried.



Scarlet: Brad? Janet! Dr. Scott! Brad? Rocky!

Crazy56U: DONKEY!



"Are you okay?" I asked.

"N-No," Sweetie said.



SC276: [Sweetie Belle] “I just realized we’re in a terrible fanfic!”

Crazy56U: [Sweetie] “We’re about to be eaten by a timberwolf! Why would I be okay right now?!”

MrSing: Don’t cry, Sweetie. Now you can get those cool robot legs.



"Come on we've got to get out of here!" Scootaloo said. "That things is starting to get up!" I looked and, the timberwolf was indeed getting up.



SC276: Riveting.

Crazy56U: Well, duh. It’s made of wood, much like the tree it hit. I doubt that could’ve killed it, unless the tree was made of... I don’t know… anti-wood, or something...

MrSing: Time to get the big guns out.



Crazy56U: Minecraft Logic



We hauled Sweetie onto our backs and kept running. The timberwolf got back up, and started chasing us again. It was much easier for it to catch up to us. We turned a corner, only to see a giant rock blocking our path.



Scarlet: Oh my god. A giant rock.

DaeCat: Tom got real homicide-ery after Rarity abandoned him.

Crazy56U: Well, it ain’t no rolling stone, that’s for sure.



We were trapped. I turned my head, and saw the timberwolf. It was slowly creeping up on us. It then leaped, and I closed my eyes. I heard a crunch, and waited for the pain.



Scarlet: “I had my Linkin Park CD ready to go.”

Crazy56U: Captain Crunch has come to save the day!



I waited, and waited, but nothing happened.



MrSing: “Luckily, it seemed that it had choked on my friends. The day was saved.”

Crazy56U: If only the story ended there...



I opened my eyes. What I saw, shocked me. The timberwolf, was suspened in mid air, by a tendril of darkness, stabbing right through it's side.



Scarlet: Damn it, Xehanort! Keep your implausible machinations in your own fandom!

Crazy56U: Let me guess, Mane-iac decided to give hair dye a whirl?

MrSing: Hentai gone wrong.



The tentacle like shadow then lifted up, and tossed the timberwolf away. The timberwolf got back up and fled, whining the entire time.



Scarlet: [Timberwolf] “FUCK NO, NO TENTACLES, I HAVE SEEN DEVIANTART I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS!”

SC276: Buddy, you don’t need just DeviantART for that.

DaeCat: “But, mother, I have some killing to get to before homework!”

Crazy56U: [Timberwolf] “THAT WAS MY LAST SCENE IN THIS FIC! I’M FREEEEEE!”



The tendril of darkness retreated to my right. I followed it with my eyes, and saw the creature it belonged to. It was a tall, slender figure, that stood on two legs.



Crazy56U: ...for the love of FUCKING GOD-



It looked like it was wearing a short black dress, as well as a red tie.



Scarlet: On closer inspection, it was actually a clown suit and a cunningly-disguised accordion.

DaeCat: Agent 47! Rule 63! Numbers!

Crazy56U: (slams head down onto table) AHHHHHHHHH!

MrSing: The ultimate being! A lawyer!



It had long black hair that was flicked to the left, and in it's hair it had a pin that had a crossed out circle on it.



Scarlet: The magical protector of internet spoopy! Cure Operator!

Crazy56U: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

MrSing: Emo bussiness woman has come to save the day!



It also had no face. The head was there, but that was it. Something told me it was a girl.



MrSing: The black tendrils of evil gave it away, didn’t they?

Crazy56U: I AM IN FUCKING PAIN



It turned and walked towards us. It then crouched down.



SC276: Why are you calling it an ‘it’ if something’s telling you it’s a girl WAIT IT’S FUCKING SLENDERMAN ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Scarlet: I told you it was somehow dumber~

SC276: First of all, is Slendergirl a canon thing? Like, Marble Hornets introduced or something, or is it some stupid fan creation? Second, SLENDERMAN ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Scarlet: Insofar as an internet meme can have a “canon”, no, not even the people who are super-into Slenderman interactive fiction stuff have invented a Slendergirl yet. This fic is breaking new ground!

Crazy56U: Okay, you know what, screw this, I’m out, have a GIF:





"Well well," it said. It's voice sounded like a girl's so I was right to assume she was one. She also sounded calm and kind. "What are three little fillies doing in my forest?"



Scarlet: “I do so enjoy playing g a m e s. . .”

DaeCat: “We’re just being the normal inhabitants of this forest that has no central governing system.”

MrSing: DaeCat, if you can stab people to death a lot of things can suddenly become yours.



"W-Well, we w-were heading to our friend Zecora's w-when that timberwolf came out of nowhere," I said.

"It chased us and our friend got hurt," Scootaloo said. The strange woman looked at Sweetie.



Bucephalus: I realized that she probably had hunger in her eyes too. Everybody wants Sweetie today.

MrSing: I blame her name. It’s like calling your child “Delicious and nutritious”.



"Well that's no good now is it?" she said. She picked up Sweetie, stood up, and cradled her in her arms. She then pointed a finger at Sweetie's injured leg.



Scarlet: “I’ll be taking that as payment now!”

DaeCat: “Others have to pay an arm and a leg, but since you only have legs...”

MrSing: “No bleeding on my beautiful forest, you pleb.”



A black substance came out of her finger. It wrapped around the cut, and then slipped off and returned to the woman's finger.



Bucephalus: I’ve never read any creepypasta, so I probably have no clue what I’m saying, but did Slenderman have the ability to heal?

SC276: Yeah, this is kinda ridiculously out of nowhere.

Scarlet: Slenderman’s superpowers are generally defined as “whatever, he’s the boss so he wins.”



"Hey, what'd you do to her?" Scootaloo asked. She crouched and showed us.

"I just healed her cut, see?"



MrSing: Bandages are for losers who can’t warp reality.



she said. "Now come on,



SC276: “We’ve got a plot to get on with.”



I think you've all had enough excitement for one day." I suddenly started to feel really sleepy. I fell, and blacked out. Just before I did though, I heard the strange woman say something

"Good night little ones."



Scarlet: And now I think we all need an adult- nah, just kidding, I’m not submitting foalcon. Because unlike Kudzu, I care about our readers.

MrSing: Caring is not sharing.



{Lisa's POV}



SC276: Who now?

MrSing: Lisa, duh.



As the three little fillies fell asleep, I picked them all up into my arms.

"Good night little ones," I said. I then began walking towards Sweet Apple Acres.



Bucephalus: Seems like the CMC aren't the only ones Slender’s been stalking.



I can't believe a timberwolf would attack three little fillies. I mean, I know they're animals but still.



Scarlet: Huh, the plot point’s so stupid and contrived that even SlenderDerp thinks it sounds off!

DaeCat: I’ll tell you why; hunger was it its eyes.

MrSing: To be fair, children are like nature’s free meals.



At least I was able to find them. Had I not well, I don't wanna think about what have might happened.



SC276: Eh, some other deus ex machina would’ve saved them, let’s be honest. Also, just a lone timberwolf? Haven’t we only seen them move in packs?

DaeCat: This one was a lone wolf.



After a little while, I made it to the edge of the Everfree, and Sweet Apple Acres was dead ahead. Ah, it's been so long since I was last here. I still remember when little Applejack was born.



Scarlet: Oh, forgot to mention- the other reason I got submitted this is it involves my favorite character in the show! Guess how much pain we’re all going to experience, everyone?

SC276: She’s been here the entire time at least one of the long-time residents has been alive, and we’ve never seen her in the forest before because why?!

MrSing: Scarlet, I didn’t know you liked [insert any character except for Applejack] so much.

Scarlet: Neither did I!



She was so cute back then! I can still remember playing with her every time she went to the edge of the forest, and appearing in her room to comfort her when she had nightmares and her parents weren't there.



MrSing: “She kept screaming about someone appearing in her room all the time. Didn’t know what that was about.”



I had to come there a lot when her parents died.



MrSing: Silver lining, they were delicious.



Man if only I had been faster, I think I could have saved them.



Scarlet: Please tell me you’re being sarcastic, SlenderDerp.

SC276: Since when has Slenderman - hell with it, Slenderanything - given a shit about adults?

Scarlet: Sometime between “Just Another Fool” and “Marble Hornets”. *rimshot*



Well, no use to dwell on the past. At least I was able to save Applebloom.



Scarlet: “She’d have recurring nightmares of the events well into her adulthood, but it was worth it.”



I set the three fillies down. I then look up. Applejack was working. She turned her head, and saw me. I gestured to the three fillies. I then waited, and when she blinked, teleported, just out of site.



SC276: The worst part about this typo is that it technically still works...



I watched as she ran up to the three fillies. She started to check them over, see if they were okay. After she confirmed they were fine, she started shacking Applebloom.



Scarlet: Funky little shack! Funky little shack!

MrSing: No shaking the babies, Applejack!



"Applebloom, APPLEBLOOM!" she cried. Applebloom then woke up.

"Huh, wha-?" she said.



Scarlet: Ah, everyone else’s reaction to our lead character!

DaeCat: “Applebloom, wake up! It’s just a poorly-written dream!”



"Applebloom are you okay?" Applejack asked. "What happened? I thought ya'll were visiting Zecora. Why are ya'll all the way out here?"



SC276: [Applejack] “Ah mean, it ain’t like y’all decided to just come home this way.”

MrSing: “Did you all make chloroform again?”



"Ung," Applebloom said. "We were, heading there but then, a timberwolf attacked."

"Oh mah Celestia are you okay?" Apple Jack asked.



Scarlet: “I’ve got bad news, sis. We might be in a Displaced fic.” “Aw, shoot.”

MrSing: Get out of here, Apple Jack, can’t you see Applejack is busy?



"Yeah we're fine," Apple bloom said a bit more awake. "I mean, while we were runnin from it, the timberwolf scratched Sweetie's legs, so me and Scoots had to carry her. We kept running but the timberwolf cornered us. It leaped at us and I thought it was all over, but then we were saved by this weird lady that stood on two legs. She was wearing a short dress, and a red tie. She also black hair, and she had these black tentacles coming out of her back.



SC276: If you were going to describe her here, author, why even bother with the description earlier?!

Scarlet: Because redundant information is the best kind of information!

MrSing: Because Scarlet earlier told us that redundant information is the best kind of information.



She scared the timberwolf away, and healed Sweetie's leg. Then, for some reason, we all feel asleep, and then you woke me up." I giggled at Applejack's reaction.



Scarlet: “Ha ha ha. Applejack is so funny when she begins to tremble in existential terror.”



I don't think she could quite believe her sister, but she could also tell she wasn't lying. I wonder, does she still remember me?



SC276: DO YOU REMEMBER ME?



Ah well, I figure that out later. Time to head home.



SC276: I’m guessing that there’s no canon Slenderman residence, so let’s see the author screw this up even more.

Scarlet: Again, insofar as a meme can even have a canon, Slenderman is basically the faceless dude who lives five minutes away from wherever you are right now.

Bucephalus: Was that who was looking disapprovingly down at my computer?



I made my way into the forest. Eventually, I came up to my home. It was a little log cabin that was in a clearing that was deep in the forest.



SC276: ...A log cabin. In the middle of the Everfree. Pretty sure someone would find something like that.

Scarlet: It’s not so much that nobody knows it’s there as it is that nobody wants to admit it.

DaeCat: TIMBERWOLF MURDERER DARES TO MAKE A HOUSE FROM THEIR CORPSES.

MrSing: I’m just glad it isn’t made out of gingerbread and candy. It might as well have been with this version of slenderman.



It had taken me several years to make it but I got it done. Having tendrils of darkness to do all of the heavy lifting certainly helped. I headed inside my little home.



SC276: This is sounding like some Ren’py visual novels I’ve read. Since when does Slenderman get perspective?

Scarlet: I’m glad you asked! He doesn’t! Typically the idea behind un-knowable terrors with strange and arcane motivations is that we don’t want insight into those motivations!



Inside the house I had a living room that had a couch, a coffee table, and a T.V.



SC276: A TV in Equestria, are you kidding me.

Scarlet: I’m just going to spend this entire riff eating popcorn and watching SC slowly break down as he hits all the points I know are coming.

DaeCat: T.V stands for Tall Vase in Equestria. Rarity’ll tell you they are quite the rage at the moment.

MrSing: Don’t forget her microwave and PC.



It didn't have cable,



SC276: Pretty sure that’s the least of your concerns, lady!

Scarlet: “This made me sad, as I had missed the finale of Breaking Bad.”

DaeCat: Silly Slenderthing, vases don’t have cables!



but I did have a little cubord next to it that could give me every movie that was ever made back on earth. It even supplied me with new ones!



SC276: And now infinite movies the way Monokuma restocks the cafeteria kitchen.

Scarlet:

Bucephalus: … Scarlet, did you just break?

Scarlet: My planned riff was stolen by Displaced Gnomes.

DaeCat: Struggling to keep the vase joke running...I give up, it’s a damn T.V. in Equestria.

MrSing: “All I had to do was sacrifice a child to it and I was setup for the evening.”



That was courtesy of a friend of mine. The one that brought me here in the first place.



MrSing: The dumb and unoriginal one?



I'll tell you all about him later.



SC276: It was freakin’ God, wasn’t it.

Scarlet: Not really. “Displaced” is essentially a spin-off of the similar-and-just-as-dumb “chess game of the Gods” thing that was popular a while back on FimFic. Its major difference is that rather than pretending actual deities have any stake in these conflicts, it just invents weird merchants who may or may not be Discord.



The rest of my house consisted of a kitchen, a dining area, a bed room, a closet, and an office were I could read. The shelves in there worked like my movie supplier. I asked for a book, it brought me the book.



Scarlet: ~They had a broken keyboard/I bought a broken keyboard.~

MrSing: Jesus lady, would it kill you to get some exercise?



I went to my bedroom and flopped onto my bed, which is king size by the way,



SC276: Clearly an important detail.



and fell asleep. It had been a long day, so I went out like a light.



SC276: You just stabbed a wolf made of wood and sleep-spelled and transported three fillies. You call that a long day? My college schedule would crush you.

Scarlet: Don’t forget the bullshit healing shadows, that happened too!



I woke up an hour or so later to the sound of hoof steps. I also heard voices. I listened closely to hear who was outside.



Scarlet: “I decided not to step out of the house and blend into the forest using the one consistent Slenderman thing ever because-”

MrSing: Scarlet, you really need to lose this nasty habit of getting shot just before you give out critical information.



"Who's house do you think this is?" said a rough voice. Rainbow?



MrSing: Sunlight?



"I think it's the house of that monster Applebloom told Apple Jack about," said another, smoother voice.



SC276: One that easily swaps about how Applejack and Apple Bloom are spelled.



Okay, that was Twilight. Also, ow. I'm not a monster.



SC276: “I prefer horrific-American.”

Bucephalus: “I’m just from New Jersey.”

MrSing: “I’m an abomination, thank you very much.”



"Only one way to find out!" said another, happier, voice. Definitely Pinkie.



MrSing: Is there anyone in this story you haven’t stalked!?



I then heard a knock on my door. I got out of bed, and walked to the door.



Scarlet: I hoped there were no Jehovah’s Witnesses at my door. Otherwise I might have to eat them and paint their blood on my door. Door.

MrSing: “Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.”



Thankfully my hair doesn't get messy.



MrSing: Keep telling that to yourself, Eraserhead.



I don't want to keep my guests waiting. I finished my walk to the door, and then opened it.



SC276: Riveting. Also, why did it take the Mane 6 this long to find this log cabin, when it only took them the span of an hour?

MrSing: Because god personally dislikes us.



The first person I saw, or rather, first pony,



SC276: If you’ve been here years, you should already be used to the “new” phrasing.

Scarlet: This story can’t even get basic internet spoopy right. What did you expect?



was Applejack.

"JACKY!" I cried with glee and scooped Applejack in my arms, hugging her. "It's so good to see you!" I then held her out.



Scarlet: “Her screams of horror as her mind began to fragment still fill me with a warm, fuzzy feeling.”



"What has it been, fifteen years? Look how big you've grown! Oh I still remember when you were just a baby! You were so cute back then!



MrSing:



But now look at you! You've become a big strong mare!"



SC276: The real insanity of this scene dawns when you remember that female!Slenderman is acting like the doting aunt. Acting like she hadn’t seen Applejack literally an hour ago.



I then put her down. "This is such a surprise! Oh, and are these some of your friends? Oh who am I kidding, of course they are!



MrSing: “I know all about them. Hey, do any of you girls want to know your blood type?”



Who else would follow you this deep into the Everfree? Anyways, what brings you all here?"



Scarlet: “That’s an academic question by the way, I’m going to kill all of you no matter what.”



"Um, I think you may have me confused with someone else



SC276: Are you going to use the proper vernacular or not, author?! You can’t have it both ways!

MrSing: Man, even the official show doesn’t care anymore.



cuz I have no idea who you are." Applejack said. I gasped.

"Applejack, that hurt," I said. "I mean I know the last I saw you, you were five,



MrSing: “-and drugged-”



but how could you forget me?



DaeCat: Because five years olds remember 100% of creepy stalkers, and never try to repress the memories...



Don't you remember? I'm the one who used to play with you when you went to the edge of the forest. I used to come to your room to comfort you when you had nightmares and your parents weren't there.



MrSing: “You’re welcome for that, by the way.”



I was there every night for five weeks straight when your parents died. Don't you remember? It's me, Slendy."



SC276: This honestly sounds a lot like what I’d think a Mary Sue trying to wriggle into canon would say.

RingmasterJ5: Thanks, SC, now I have the headcanon that all Sues/Stus are the parasites from Rick and Morty.

SC276: You’re welcome! ^^



I could see some gears turning in her head. Come on Applejack come on!



Scarlet: Cyborgjack begins to initiate terminator mode.



"Slendy?" Applejack asked. I nodded.



MrSing: “Ain’t that under some kind of I.P. copyright?”



"Yep, you used to call me that, even though I told you many times my name was Lisa." I said.

"LISA!" she cried and hugged me. I hugged her back.



Scarlet: But Slenderp rolls a critical success on her bluff attempt. Damn!

SC276: I still can’t believe that this thing out of a creepypasta was given the name Lisa. You’d think she’d go nuts with power within the first week.

DaeCat: It’s probably some obscure pun or something.

MrSing: Her last name is Simpson and you know it.



"Um, Applejack you know her?" Rainbow asked.

"Yep," Applejack said. "When I was little, I always used to go to the edge of the Everfree forest and she'd be there.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “Wait, back up. You used to regularly go to the edge of the Everfree Forest, to play with some monster?”

[Applejack] “Huh. Now that you say it out loud, that is bucking weird.”

Bucephalus: Where’s Zecora been this whole time? You think she’d have known if there was a nightmare monster living near her cabin.



We used to play games all the time." She then turned to me. "But, I thought you were just an imaginary friend." I shook my head.



Scarlet: “Or more accurately, I wished you were just an imaginary friend.”



"Nope," I said. "I always told you I wasn't an image."



SC276: [Applejack] “I was five. How did you expect me to understand that?”

DaeCat: I’m sure Sir Lintalot told Pinkie the same thing.

MrSing: She is technically correct.



"So, wait, your the one who saved both of our sisters?" Rarity asked. I nodded.

"Just in time too, that timberwolf almost had them," I said.

"Well, thank you for saving the girls," Twilight said. Huh, she's an Alicorn now? Well, I guess I missed that.



Scarlet: We should probably be thankful her instant movie collection didn’t include episodes of the show. I don’t think this fic could take the meta.

MrSing: “Note to self: Up the amount of stalking and fire my Twilight informant.”



"Forgive me for asking but, what are you?" I crouched down in front of her, getting my face level with hers.

"Well, if you really want to know, I'm a savior that looks like a monster," I replied. "I'm the nightmare that keeps other nightmares away, and guides the good dreams to you."



SC276: [Twilight] “...You’re Princess Luna?”

Scarlet: You know, I was joking about magical girl Slenderman before.

MrSing: “I am the terror that flaps in the night.”



Twilight nodded, but Rainbow looked confused. "I'm a good guy that looks like a bad guy." Rainbow then nodded.



SC276: ~I’m not the bad guy / I’m just a bit surprising / It’s not worth losing sleep / It’s not worth analyzing… ~



"Well I suppose we should all introduce ourselves," Twilight said.

"Oh, no need," I said standing up. "I can read minds." I can actually read minds, but I didn't need to for them. I'm a pegasister.



SC276: ...It took me a moment to remember that’s the occasional name for female bronies. So I’m not sure whether that or the mind-reading annoys me more.

Bucephalus: I’m also a Whovian, and I’m starting to wish I had ended up with the tenth doctor instead.

DaeCat: So she watches the show...but doesn’t remember Twilight becoming an Alicorn?

MrSing: Oh shit! She’s a Scanner!





"But none of you can so I need to introduce myself. My name is Lisa, the boss of the Everfree."



Scarlet: “Please report to my desk later for briefing on your new position in this company.”

MrSing: Good news, the squirrels nut burying efficiency has been up by 0.3% this financial quarter.



"How are you the boss of the Everfree forest?" Rainbow asks.

"Well, I'm the toughest thing out here and every other monster here is scared of me so...." I said.



SC276: So totally boss.

Bucephalus: Cue 8-Bit music.

DaeCat: I think every other monster just doesn’t care enough. She hasn’t done anything of note.



"Oh," Rainbow said. I then turned to Fluttershy. I walked to her and crouched down again.

"Well you haven't said much," I said.



SC276: If you’re a pegasister, you should know why, creepy-lady.

Scarlet: “This makes me sad. I prefer my kills to talk a bit longer.”



"Oh, well, it's just that, um, I'm, uh, very shy" she replied. I giggled



MrSing: We’ve seen Fluttershy be shy so many times, when will we finally see her be flutter?



"It's okay Fluttershy," I said. "You're you, and if that means being shy, then so be it." She smiled at me.



Scarlet: It’s okay Lisa, you’re you. And if that means being a Displaced character, then so be it.



"Thanks," she said. "No one's really said something like that to me before." I nodded.



SC276: Really? No one’s told you “you’re OK being you” in the last four-plus seasons?

Bucephalus: Which season is this, anyway?



"Well thank you girls for stopping by, but I'm kind of tired. I had a long day and I need some sleep," I said.

"We should head back too, it's getting dark," Twilight said. I looked up at the sky. The sun was already almost completely down and I could see the moon coming up.



SC276: They went into the Everfree, without having any idea of where they were going, this close to nighttime? That’s like starting a boss fight in Pikmin when it’s almost sunset. Also, if the sun’s almost completely down, that’s more than “getting” dark.



They all started to leave.

"Wait!" I said. They all turned to me. "You girls should stay the night here, I don't want any of you going in there after dark."

"Don't worry, we'll be fine," Rainbow said.



SC276: [Rainbow Dash] “I mean, we saved Equestria like a million times.”



I shook my head.



MrSing: “It wasn’t an offer.”



"No," I said. "Something in there has recently woken up from a long sleep. If it sees you, it will attack you, and even I can barely fend it off.



SC276: What is it, my inherent rage?

MrSing: Looks like something has a case of the mondays.



I don't want any of you getting hurt."

"That's very kind of you darling." Rarity said.



SC276: [Rarity] “But you live in a log cabin the middle of the forest. Are you sure you have space for seven?”

Scarlet: “Don’t worry, I’m sure your intestines will fit marvelously in this garbage bag!”



"If there is something out there, then you're right, maybe staying wouldn't be so bad." Twilight said. I nodded.



Scarlet: “I can foresee nothing bad that might come from sleeping in a house owned by an obvious malevolent entity who may or may not be secretly plotting our murder.”

DaeCat: “I can’t possibly teleport us all out of here.”



"Come on I'll show you all around the house," I said.



Scarlet: “This is the kitchen. It’s the last stop!”

MrSing: “This is the room. It’s the only room, but I like to pretend it’s actually seven of them.”



"SLEEPOVER!" Pinkie said. We all walked into the house, and got everyone set up. Luckily I had some extra blankets just in case I had guests.



SC276: Even though that has no precedent, and there’s no way you have enough to compensate for not enough mattresses.

Scarlet: This is a hell of a log cabin.

MrSing: She said she had blankets, she promised nothing about not sleeping on the cold splintery floor.



I got them all set up in the living room. We all said our good nights, and then I went to my room. I collapsed onto my bed, and fell asleep.



SC276: Please remember that they’re all lodging in the cabin occupied by female!Slenderman, and wonder how you can get the drugs the author’s been doing.



Author's Note:

NEW STORY! YEAH!



MrSing: Woohoo I guess.



For those of you who might think I may be juggling too many stories at one time, you are RIGHT! But I'm doing it anyways. Why? YOU SHALL SEE LATER IN THE STORY!



SC276: Meaning you don’t have an answer now.

Scarlet: “They said I was mad! Mad to write this! Well now we’ll see who’s mad!”



Some of you might figure iit out when she meets my other two displaced.



SC276: Oh god, he’s done more?!

Bucephalus: Displaced stories breed like parasprites. In fact, I know of a guy who collects the- *shot in head*

Scarlet: Walk it off, pansy.

MrSing: We don’t talk about the past riffs because they don’t exist to us anymore.



Chapter Two: Savior, Definitely



SC276: Terrible Fanfic, Definitely

Scarlet: Rita, it’s definitely a savior, yup, definitely, definitely a savior.

MrSing: Grammar, Optional.



{Lisa's POV}



SC276: Is this ever going to change again to justify it, or does the author just admit she has no idea what she’s doing?

Scarlet: This author has more experience blurring the gender lines than I do, though I’m not sure if that’s intentional on their part.

MrSing:

At least we know for sure that: Savior, Definitely.



I wake up the next morning to a clear sky with a bright sun. It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day! Perfect.



Scarlet: It was a bright and sunny morning.



I could lead the mane-6 through the Everfree and not have to worry about that, thing. For some reason it didn't like sunny days.



SC276: It’s the Everfree. There’s so much shade sometimes, I wonder how there’s even grass.

MrSing: Hah, that monster is such a nerd.



Of course, it could still attack but, I think it learned it's lesson to not screw with me those fourteen years ago.



SC276: Wouldn’t that be about as long as the Mane 6 have been alive?

Bucephalus: I always figured they were around the age of eighteen, but who knows? The shows timeline makes about as much sense as Back to the Future.

Scarlet: Hey, Back to the Future makes perfect sense! The riff from “Johnny B. Goode” was totally a time loop transplant!



I'm still surprised I knocked it out for that long. Guess I don't know my own strength.



SC276: Ha ha ha, you’re backed with Slenderman powers, you bitch.

Scarlet: You know, if I possessed supernatural abilities I don’t think I’d be using them in a fashion this lame.

MrSing: That’s crazy, Scarlet. It’s everyone’s dream to build a log cabin in the middle of the woods and beat up the local wildlife.



Anyways, I walk into the living room to see everypony still sleeping. I smiled, well, I would have if I had a mouth. Strange thing is, even though I don't have facial features, people can tell what they are. It's like this, feeling that they get. They can tell when I'm smiling, where I'm looking, stuff like that.



SC276: The power of bullshit writing.

MrSing: Nah, she just uses a marker to draw emoticons on her face.



I was still a little groggy so I went to make coffee. Good thing my friend gave me a coffee machine.



SC276: OK uh, what friend?! It’d be hypocritical of me to bash a coffee maker in Equestria, but who gave it to her? She literally reunited with the Mane 6 for the first time in over a decade just last night!

DaeCat: Where does all this electricity come from? The answer better not be, “My friend gave me some.”

MrSing: From the wall socket, of course.



As I started to make it, Twilight woke up. She walked into the kitchen.

"Oh morning," Twilight said.

"Morning," I replied. "How do you like your coffee?"



Scarlet: I like my coffee the way I like my Displaced fics- not at all! *sips tea*



"I like it with a little bit of cream and sugar added," she said.

"I like mine straight black," I said.



SC276: [Lily] “Like my men.”



I finished making our coffee, and we sat down at the table.

"I think I'll make some pancakes once everypony's up," I said, sipping my coffee afterwards.



Scarlet: There must have been some mistake. I thought I submitted a displaced Slenderman story, not a displaced grandmother.



"Um, how do you drink that when you don't have a mouth?" Twilight asked.



SC276: Twilight would be great at Cinema Sins. *ding*



"That is one of the many questions I ask myself everyday," I said, then I continued to sip my coffee.



SC276: Apparently not enough to give a fuck about it.



Suddenly, A portal to the void opened,



MrSing: Don’t you just hate it when that happens?



and a newspaper from Ponyville came out. I looked up to the portal.



Scarlet: Equestria Girls crossover would be just about the only way I could see this premise growing any more derp.

MrSing: Who knew the void had a paperboy?



"Thanks!" I shouted.

"No problem!" a slightly insane demonic, but not deep, voice replied. The portal then closed.

"Um, what?" Twilight said.



SC276: Yeah, my sentiments exactly! What the hell?!

DaeCat: The Demonic Delivery Service: Bringing You Random Junk Since You Didn’t Look At The Contract, Sucker!

MrSing: Still less evil and invasive than those Amazon drones.



"I have powerful friends," I replied as I took my reading glasses from the center of the table and began to read.



Scarlet: I’ll handle this, I think I know what’s going on. *picks up cell phone and wanders off* Belial, you motherfucking asshole! What have I told you about slumming with Displaced- yeah well, she’s your mother too!

MrSing: Look at Slender!female acting tough because she has a newspaper subscription to hell.



"But, what kind of, creature, could do that?" Twilight asked.



SC276: One that likes scattering commas everywhere, apparently.



"Like I said, REALLY powerful friends," I replied. I read the front page news. Apparently the mane-6 not returning home last night spelled some trouble. They were last seen heading into the Everfree forest, but hadn't been seen since.



Scarlet: Um, how is this at all unusual? “Local badasses head into dangerous location for the five-millionth time”?

DaeCat: “Some Friends Go To Forest: Page 20”

MrSing: “The Daily Beelzebuzz” really went down in quality since they started hiring bronies.



Man, ponies were panicky. I then read then next story. This one slightly pissed me off. It was titled, "New Monster In The Everfree Linked to Element's Disappearance?"



SC276: “New?” Are you telling me she’s been squatting in that forest for at least fifteen years, and she only ever showed herself before to baby Applejack?!

Scarlet: “Local citizen vanishes into supermarket for over an hour. New prices linked to disappearance.”



Really, I mean, really? It said that the CMC had told news reporters about how they met me, and how their sisters and their sisters' friends had went out to search for me. They had conveniently left out how I saved them from a timberrwolf, and the princess had been notified.



SC276: *dressed in a newspaper editor’s outfit* Yes… conveniently.

Scarlet: SC, no raiding the cosplay chest without asking! That’s rude!



Great, just great. I sighed.

"What is it?" Twilight asked. I showed her the article. "Oh."

"No offence, but you ponies are panicky," I said.

"Non taken," Twilight said. "After all that is slightly true." I nodded. Suddenly there was random green fire mist coming through my window.



SC276: You have no right to call things random, Slendergirl in Equestria.

DaeCat: And where there is “fire mist”, there’s random fire.

MrSing: Hey Lisa, who smelt it, dealt it.



It turned into fire, then into a letter. Twilight began to read the letter.



Scarlet: Short declarative sentences happened.



"What is it?" I asked, as if I didn't already know.

"It's a letter from Spike," Twilight said.



SC276: This makes no sense. I thought Spike’s “transportation” fire breath only sent things to Celestia.

DaeCat: Why did you ask if you knew? Was it so the reader knew? Because the reader already knew!



"He's my-"

"I already know who he is," I said. "I can read minds remember?"



Scarlet: “I totally revealed this information before, right?”

MrSing: Then why don’t you read her mind to find out what the letter says, smartass?



"Right," Twilight said sheepishly. "Anyways, it says that he had told Celestia that I was missing, and that she was coming to look for me, along with a huge amount of guards."



SC276: Who proceeded to get chased out by the timberwolves really quickly. Celestia is facepalming now.

MrSing: Secretly this is just an excuse for the royal guard to have a company picnic.



"Really?" I said. Twilight nodded.

"Hey, this is the perfect opportunity to introduce you two!" Twilight said.



SC276: Yes, the perfect time to introduce two friends is when one thinks the other one kidnapped you.

Scarlet: “Hey Lyle, this is Juanita- you know, the girl I was telling you about earlier? Oh yeah, she’s holding me for ransom right now, but it’s cool. Trust me!”



"Yeah maybe, I would love to mee-" I started to say, but I was cut off by the BOOM of thunder. I froze, then ran up to a nearby window. The sky had become covered with gray clouds. Oh no. How did I miss that?



SC276: Apparently like that.

Scarlet: Having covered ponyfic-specific “dark and stormy night” equivalents, the story decides to dip its toe into generic-flavor.



I ran over to Rainbow Dash and shook her awake.

"Rainbow!" I yelled.



Scarlet: “Listen, you have to go through the portal and stop this madness! There’s this guy who writes a story about the Mare-Do-Well thing, and-”



"Huh, wha-?" she said. "Okay I'm up I'm up geez."



SC276: Eh, sounds about as up as she’ll ever be.

DaeCat: Even the commas give up at this point.



"Is there supposed to be a thunder storm today?" I asked in a panic.

"Uh, yeah I think so, why?" she said.



SC276: It’s the Everfree. Its weather is literally whatever it wants.



I ran to the door.

"None of you leave until it becomes a sunny day okay?" I said.



SC276: You heard the lady! Someone bring in Groudon!

Scarlet: And willingly assist her? Not happening.

MrSing: “We can only have fanfiction happen on nice and sunny days, it’s the law!”



"Don't leave the house, no matter what you see or hear.



SC276: No matter how much I beg…

DaeCat: Well, if that’s not the best reason to use the teleport spell, I don’t know what is. Use the damn teleport spell!

MrSing: Sorry DaeCat, she left that spell in her other horn.



My friend will keep you all fed, and will keep that thing away."

"Wait, what?" Twilight asked



SC276: Twilight continues to be the voice of reason in this fic.

Scarlet: We hereby present her with a provisional “best pony” award.

MrSing: Why is it painted like a target?



as everypony else started waking up. "Why? Where are you going?"

"I'm going to find Celestia," I said.



SC276: I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independance.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m gonna eat waffles ‘till I puke.



"Why?" Twilight asked.

"Because that thing likes cloudy weather," I said, then ran out of the house and into the forest.



SC276: ...You call that a cliffhanger line? Are you kidding me? I feel minimal impact.

RingmasterJ5: Now that you’ve riffed all three samples, it’s time for anyone that reached this point to vote on or discuss which of these fics should fill the first multipart slot for the next 2-3 weeks.

Bucephalus: I vote the Slenderman one. It’s stupid, sure, but the plot is so contrived that it looks like it would be entertaining to riff. I had enough sex last week (please don’t take that out of context), so no thank you to the first one, and the second one is nothing more than terrible strawmen.

SC276: Anything but the second. That one is just a mess of poor choices and just has Rainbow snapping at everyone, and we’ve already riffed that. I literally had the hardest time getting material from that. The other two were at least stupid in a way I could get some measure of entertainment from.

Crazy56U: I say we do the second, if only because it gets worse and there’s more to it than what the first chapter shows…

Bucephalus: That sounds like a mess. Although, I suppose doing that one, if it’s as bad as you claim, would help me in Fanfic Purgatory. ^_^

Scarlet: Given infinite universes formed of infinite fragments, I think we can safely say that we will riff all of the above as our timeline splits.

Bucephalus: I feel like we’re still walking off the Five Minute War.

Scarlet: Interruption! Rude! Anyway as I was saying, if I had to pick one for the given fragment of the multiverse we can observe, I’d pick my own submission because I’m biased. On the other hand, the more Kudzuhaiku we riff the closer we come to exorcising whatever demonic presence is currently fueling his patreon. What do you think, silent readers? Get your rears over to the polls and vote!

DaeCat: Well, apparently my vote counts for nothing. As well it shouldn’t, I just kinda jumped on the bandwagon. Hope you guys didn’t mind taking me for the ride!

MrSing: I vote Slenderman rip off because I’m a dirty memer. And don’t worry about it DaeCat, we’re all just strays yelling at words over here.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: You asked for this. Scarlet, can you explain to everyone just what we have here?

Scarlet: Can I? I’m not sure anyone is capable, but I’m willing to try. So last time during the community shuffle, we voted on this as our next multi-part. It’s the heartwarming story of Lisa, some girl who lives in the Everfree, was besties with Applejack before it was cool, and also she’s Slenderman because SURPRISE, this is a Displaced story! For when “Chess Game of the Gods” has too much dignity, and just writing a normal crossover is too much work!

RingmasterJ5: Yep, for the first time, we’re tackling a story from this infamous “sub-genre” that cropped up during our absence. Long overdue, I’d say.

CaptainPipsqueak: You call it a sub-genre, we call it a mistake...

Scarlet: True facts- I literally found this just by searching the word “Displaced” and picking the first story I found that fit our length requirements for the shuffle. I think it’s fair to say that this is representative of the genre. The only outlier here is the fact that the author didn’t abandon it after the second chapter. Nah, they made it a whole thirty-three thousand words! In Displaced terms, that’s the equivalent of completing NaNoWriMo!

RingmasterJ5: Speaking of the Shuffle, you may have already noticed that the title of this riff is listed as “Part 1.5”. That’s because you can find the first 3000 words or so of this fic already riffed over there, and this part will be continuing right from the middle of chapter two where that left off.

Scarlet: That’s right, everyone! You won’t be missing a single word of the incredible masterpiece that is “A Displaced Monster”. Isn’t it amazing? Don’t you just feel excited? We get to go on an adventure with the world’s most moe SlenderGirl, who cuddles children and fights crime… or something! I feel like I wandered into a Magical Girl With a Twist story that just ingested bleach!

RingmasterJ5: Without further ado, “A Displaced Monster” by Prince_Zodiac.

Scarlet: Get your page-grabbing hands ready!

SC276: *slaps on a helmet that also has Oswald ears* Oh boy, here we go.

JofY: Well, time for me to be completely confused I guess.

CaptainPipsqueak: That just makes it more fun.



I had been searching for half an hour but I still couldn't find Celestia or her guards.



Scarlet: “Likely because I was searching the middle of the Everfree forest for them.”

Bucephalus: “Huh. It’s like they think I’m poorly developed or something.”



One thing I did know was that it was here,



SC276: I’M ALREADY HERE

JofY: The life of the party arrived.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, we can all be party animals.



and it was following something. I could only hope it was some wild animal or something, but I knew it was most likely Celestia.



JofY: What’s the difference?

CaptainPipsqueak: If it’s dangerous or poses any form of risk to you whatsover, it’s a wild animal. Otherwise it’s Celestia.

Bucephalus: So… Celestia’s the only being in this universe who doesn’t want Lisa wiped out of existence? YOU HAVE FAILED US, CELESTIA!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, Lisa’s probably the only one Cely could wipe the floor with in a fair fight. Would you throw that away?



After all, that thing only goes after ponies.



Scarlet: Oh shit, an obsessive fan braved the dimensional rift!

DaeCat: Celestia hunts ponies now? I should rewatch Season 5, I must be behind.

Bucephalus: You didn’t miss too much. Pregnancy, the end of the world, crossdressing and a whole bunch of other stuff isn’t important.

Lord Shaxx: So… Boku No Pico?

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t even go there.



I ran through the forest, gaining on it.



JofY: “I will beat you forest!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Yes, I will leaf you behind!”

Bucephalus: No, you idiot, it’s make like a tree, and get outta here!

Lord Shaxx: He gets down on all fours, and breaks into a sprint. He’s gaining on you!

(chorus)Running for your life! From Shia LeBeouf.



I don't think it's noticed me yet. Either that, or it doesn't care that I'm following it.



SC276: We don’t care either.

DaeCat: Yes, it is in fact possible to be running through something and to be advancing towards it at the same time.



Probably the second option.



CaptainPipsqueak: Then it’s on the same page we are. Good to know.



I then heard voices.



Scarlet: “Lisa, wake up. You’ve been asleep for a long time…”

SC276: Wake up and smell the ashes.

CaptainPipsqueak: Why so serious?

Lord Shaxx: “The chloroform is wearing off. Give ‘em another dose!”



"All clear over here!" said one voice.

"All clear over here too!" said another. They were coming from that thing's direction. I needed to move!



Scarlet: I needed to Get Down!

SC276: Stand up, get down, everybody come around…

Bucephalus: Clear? It must be defibrillator time.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s no good; Fluttershy still has a death grip on it.

JofY: How shocking.



I was not going to let another life be lost at the hands of that thing!



SC276: [Lisa] “I will totally fail you now!”

DaeCat: “I will tell the world the danger of swimming in acid!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “Or eating Pop Rocks while drinking soda!”

Lord Shaxx: “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this useless piece of advice!”



I then found the group. I hid behind a tree and waited. That thing was straight across from me, in front of them. I couldn't jump it just yet.



Scarlet: An elaborate timing puzzle was involved.

DaeCat: It’s bounding box needed to be a few pixels over...

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh God, I hate those!

Lord Shaxx: (Papyrus) This is the invisible electricity maze! Touch one of the walls and this orb will deliver a hearty zap!



If I did, Celestia would catch me, and that thing would escape. And so I waited.

{Celestia's POV}



SC276: Oh right, that’s a thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh Christ; not announcing shifting points of view, too… HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!

Bucephalus: {Bucephalus POV} I suddenly realized what I was reading, and as I’m nothing more than text on a screen, I have no mouth and I must scream.

Lord Shaxx: Did you try turning yourself off and turning yourself back on again?



I sighed. We still had found no trace of Twilight and her friends.



SC276: Let me guess, because it’s the bloody Everfree.



We were getting deep into the Everfree forest. We had to find that creature and punish it for what it's done.



Scarlet: Princess Celestia hunts down the Displaced monstrosity. First plot point I can get behind!



Suddenly, I heard a growl. It was coming from a bush that was in front of us.



JofY: Oh no! Evil Bush!

CaptainPipsqueak: We named him ‘Stan.’

Bucephalus: Put an ‘a’ after the S, and you get Satan. Wait, Slenderman is like a demon. Discord is like a demon. Three demons in Equestria… Illuminati confirmed!



At first, I thought it was a timberwolf, that was until its leg came out of the bush. It was long and skinny,



JofY: It’s a stripper!



and you could see the creature's bones up against the skin.



Scarlet: Papyrus, no! One crossover is enough!

SC276: PAPYR- no wait. ...Dangit, Papyrus isn’t even a freakin’ Google font, are you kidding me.

Bucephalus: But… but he can make such good Spaghetti! Besides, don’t you want a crossover with one of the best games ever, as opposed to… some random creepypasta?

SC276: I mean I don’t want to do a Papyrus impression unless I can go all in on it. That means using the actual font. Blame Google.

Lord Shaxx: You all do realize that Papyrus has no skin?



It then fully stepped out. It was a hunched over bipedal creature. It was completely gray, and it had black holes for eyes and a mouth. Its fingers were long and ended in claws. It was incredibly skinny. The poor thing must have been starving.



Scarlet: ...Okay then. For those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s The Rake. Go ahead and google it. I am now highly anticipating appearances by the cast of Marble Hornets and Jeff the Killer.

JofY: what.

SC276: Well at least it’s not a Creature of Grimm.

DaeCat: It was completely gravy, and it had spaghetti for eyes and mouth.

Lord Shaxx: Oh yeah, this thing. Spooky design and concept, but poorly executed. Look at The Rake game.



I had never seen anything like it before, but it didn't match the description of the monster that those three fillies provided.

"S-So hungry, s-so cold," it said. I smiled and took out some food.



CaptainPipsqueak: “S-so undeserving of the p-punishment of being in this f-fic…”



"Here, do you want some?" I asked.



Scarlet: No, Princess! Don’t do it! Cast Sense Motive first, I know you’ve got that on your spell list!

SC276: Don’t feed it after midnight!

Bucephalus: *shoots SC* Look, we’re not getting Gremlins into this mess.



"So hungry, so cold," it said again not moving.

"Well here," I said offering the food once more.

"So hungry, so cold," it repeated. It said that over and over again. I started to feel worried.



SC276: [Celestia] “Someone slap it so its needle gets unstuck.”



Then, it's tune of repetition stopped.



Scarlet: Probably just have to wind it up again.

CaptainPipsqueak: I think you hit it too hard. You’d better not have scratched it; that’s a collector’s edition.



"I will no longer be hungry! I will no longer be cold!" it shouted.



Scarlet: “I will purchase an affordable space heater for my apartment!”

DaeCat” I will order some takeaway pizza instead of eating wood splinters!”

CatainPipsqueak: “I will become a superhero!”

Bucephalus: “I will finally get rid of that brick wall!”



It then leaped at me.



SC276: SURPRISE MOTHERBUCKERS



I panicked and was about to fire a spell, when a tendril of darkness knocked it out of the air.



DaeCat: The tendril of darkness sensed a spell was coming, and knocked the almost-spell out of the almost-air, before it was cast. I refuse to admit it was an author error.

Lord Shaxx: “Dispel!”

(Celestia) “You’re playing mono-Black!”



I looked to my left to see were it had come from, and then I saw it. The monster that matched the description. It looked to me.



Scarlet: So wait, you just throw food at the first creepy thing that crawls out of the Everfree, and this thing you just stare at like “hudoyyyyyy?”



"Celestia!" it cried. "You need to get out of here, NOW!"



JofY: “Get out of this fic while you still can!”



"What?" I said.



JofY: Even Celestia finds this ridiculous!

CaptainPipsqueak: *monocle drops*



"Who are you, and what is that thing, and where are Twilight and her friends?"



Scarlet: All these questions and more will be answered in ways that will hurt your brain!

SC276: Is now really the time to ask when you got a creature that freakin’ jumped at you still there?!



"They're fine!" it yelled back. "They're at my house, safe and sound. If you want to see them, follow that bunny, it'll take you to my house!



SC276: Wait, there was a bunny? Does anyone remember a bunny?

DaeCat: [Celestia] “Which bunny? There are like four!”

[Guard] “I knew bringing the Carrot Squad was a bad idea.”

JofY: “I, random stranger, am totally trustworthy!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “And make sure you stay on it’s good side; that rabbit is dynamite!”

Bucephalus: That script’s a bomb. That game’s a bomb. Even that bunny is a bomb! Ahahahahahahaha!

Lord Shaxx: If you don’t defuse this entire story in the next thirty seconds… This huge bomb will detonate! Good luck, darling!



I'll explain the rest later, NOW GO!" I was about to retort when I heard that thing get back up.



Scarlet: The scene then smoothly transitioned into a boss fight.

CaptainPipsqueak: The pre-battle cutscene was, unfortunately, unskippable.



I looked to it, and it seemed pretty pissed off. I roared in anger.



CaptainPipsqueak: *mrrrowwrrr!*

Scarlet: THE PRINCESS HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!

Lord Shaxx: Princess Celestia used Roar! It had no effect!



I looked to the new monster, and nodded. The guards and I followed the bunny the strange creature had pointed to earlier.



RJ: [guard] I don’t like this. Do you remember what happened when we dealt with a rabbit in the wild?

[Celestia] First, that’s a bunny. Second, this one only has a vicious streak about 3/4th of a kilometer wide.



It lead us through the forest, and we eventually made it to a clearing. In the middle of it was a little log cabin.



JofY: Granted, it was hard to call it that as it was just a singular little log, but it looked homely.

Lord Shaxx: That log’s a bomb!



The door opened, and Twilight came running out.



SC276: And overshot and ran past her.

Lord Shaxx: And onwards into the sunset, thus escaping the story.



"Princess Celestia!" she cried. "Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine, but what about you?" I asked. "Are you hurt? What did that thing do to you?



Scarlet: “If there’s one thing that’s consistent about me, it’s that I’m not at all disturbingly confident in your ability to avoid dangerous situations or resolve problems!”



"



DaeCat: Hello, lonely quotation marks. I will be your friend.

CaptainPipsqueak: The line is in invisible ink. Put it in your oven for a few seconds and the words will appear.

SC276: I’m… fairly sure that’s due to Scarlet choosing a weird riff insert point. Again.

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t question our actions. Work with us here.

Lord Shaxx: It’s just a pair of quotation ma-AAAAAGH GET IT OFF



"She didn't do anything," Twilight said. "After she saved the CMC



CaptainPipsqueak: The Canterlot Musical Commitee?

Bucephalus: The Crappy Main Characters?

CaptainPipsqueak: the Collection of Mean Creatures?



from some timberwolves, we went out to find her. We went in pretty deep and found this house. It was her house, and she and Applejack apparently knew each other.



Scarlet: [Twilight] “I am deeply aware of how awkwardly stupid this sounds. Anyway-”



I'll tell you about that later. Anyways, we found out that she's actually really nice



CaptainPipsqueak: [Twilight] “...after the incident with the cleaver, but she apologized profusely and nopony was badly injured…”



and we were about to leave when she told us to stay with her for the night. Apparently there's something out there that only comes out at night or cloudy days and it's supposed to be scary and aggressive.



Scarlet: I mean, I can’t imagine that Princess Celestia might be of some help against a creature that appears to avoid the sun at all cost.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, just imagine how useful it would be if we knew someone who can control the sun at will.

SC276: [Celestia] “CLEARLY THIS REQUIRES A FRIENDSHIP RAINBOW”

DaeCat: [Twilight] “I say ‘supposed’, I messed up the spell and - look, I’m sure you don’t want to hear my plans to eventually usurp power from you. Look at the bunnies!”

Bucephalus: I thought we agreed that those were dynamite?



So we stayed the night. The next morning, Spike sent me a letter that told me you were coming to search for me. Then it started it get cloudy and she ran out to look for you so that thing wouldn't get to you." Celestia just listened. If what Twilight said was true, then this monster wouldn't actually be all that bad.



Scarlet: Which would be absolutely shocking and something that’s never happened before because Steven Magnet doesn’t exist!

SC276: I still wonder how that guy got to the spa, much less town hall.

CaptainPipsqueak: Dat Magnet...He jus’ so fabulous he don’ need to do no explainin’.

DaeCat: All they needed was a little bit of sunlight. “ARCHIMEDES!” called Celestia, summoning forth the third bipedal creature into the Everfree.



"By the way, were's Lisa?" Twilight asked.



SC276: Great, we have were-Slenders now.

Lord Shaxx: Note how Twilight said that. Twilight + were-Slenders = Twilight Saga Reborn.

Bucephalus: We’re not going there.



"Who?" I asked back.

"Lisa, the girl who let us stay here," Twilight said.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Oh dear, you’ve already named it. Now you’re going to be heartbroken when we have to take her back to the SPCA!”

SC276: Not SCP?

Lord Shaxx: The real SCP known as Slenderman is still in containment. This is just a cheap knock-off that was given form because the cosplayer was so stupid that they forgot an essential part of their costume, went to a con in said incomplete costume, then conveniently purchased the remaining part from a shady dealer.



"Well," I said "whatever thing that she told you about was, it ran into us. It was going to attack, but then she stopped it. I think she's still fighting it." Twilight gasped.

"Well then we have to go out there and find her!" Twilight said.



Scarlet: The Twilights are multiplying! We have fractal Twilight!

SC276: Wait, has Celestia and her entourage gone into the house yet? I lost track.

DaeCat: [Twilight] “I agree, let’s go! We have to hurry!”

[Twilight] “What’s with the newspaper on the walls of this cabin?”

[Twilight] “Ignore it! Please! I’m real!”



"No need," said a familiar voice. I turned around, and saw her.



JofY: Your long-lost mother?

Lord Shaxx: Agent Mulder?

CaptainPipsqueak: The Little Red-Haired Girl?



Lisa. She was cut up and bloody all over her body, especially her right arm, which I think was broken.



JofY: Furthermore, she was a mutant…



There was blood leaking out of her cuts, and she looked like she was in a lot of pain. She was limping towards us.



Scarlet: Well what did you expect, Lisa? You rushed ahead and left the rest of the party behind. Did Leeroy teach you nothing?

SC276: Technically, the rest of the party retreated, so it was basically a reverse-Leeroy.

CaptainPipsqueak: We call them ‘Sniknej yoreel’ s.



"Oh my Celestia!"



JofY: [Celestia] “Yes?”

CaptainPipsqueak: "Jesus..."



Twilight cried rushing up to Lisa.



SC276: That really has to be awkward to say when literally in the presence of the alicorn in question.



"Lisa what happened?" Lisa coughed.



JofY: Lisa can really cough out a lot of words.

Lord Shaxx: I love how Lisa is now talking to herself. Ain’t that crazy?



"A... rake... happened..." she said before fainting.



SC276: Gardening can be so dangerous these days.

DaeCat: This whole story has now become Lisa stepping on a rake.

Fallen Prime: The part of Lisa in the film adaptation will be played by Sideshow Bob.

JofY: CURSE YOU LEAVES!!!

Lord Shaxx: Next chapter: Revenge of the Wood Chipper.



Twilight held her up in her magic. She turned to me.



Lord Shaxx: (Twilight) She’s dead, Jim.



"We have to help her!" Twilight cried.



Scarlet: I presume her name is brought up twice to assure us that there are, indeed, still two Twilights.

Lord Shaxx: Either that, or we’ve got a headache so bad we’ve got double vision.



I nodded. We got her into the log cabin. Twilight's friends then noticed what was going on.



SC276: They failed to notice their most active ruler and her group of royal guards?

CaptainPipsqueak: They’re unimportant, thus they don’t exist.



They had questions but we told them we'd answer them later. We went to Lisa's bedroom and laid her down on the bed. Twilight and I were about to use our magic to heal her, but then her body started to rapidly heal.



SC276: [Twilight] “Well that was embarrassing.”



Soon, all of the cuts were gone, and Lisa looked like she was in a peaceful sleep.



Scarlet: Hey, foul! You said this was a Slenderman crossover, not Wolverine!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Lisa] “I’m the best there is at what I do.”



"Huh," I said.

"Certainly wasn't expecting that," Twilight said.



SC276: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Lord Shaxx: The Spanish Inquisition does.



"Come on," I said. "Let us leave her to her sleep." Twilight nodded. We then left the room, and let Lisa rest.

Author's Note:

Chapter Two is done! Now, who can guess who Lisa's friends is?



Scarlet: Nobody, she lives alone in the woods. Next!

CaptainPipsqueak: I wasn’t expecting a quiz. Was anyone here expecting a quiz?



Chapter Three: Monster, Definitely



Scarlet: Runt, buddy! I know Animaniacs ended a while back, but there has to be better work for you out there in the world.

SC276: I’ve already forgotten the first two chapter titles. Are all of them like this again?



{Twilight's POV}

I was sitting in Lisa's living room.



JofY: In Lisa’s small log mansion.



Even though it appeared that Lisa had healed, she still hadn't waken up. My friends and I were really worried about her.



Scarlet: “She might wake up before we could finish devising a method to finish her off.”

SC276: Her verbs had healed improperly and were wrongly conjugating now.

Lord Shaxx: “she still hadn’t waken up.” Author, do you even English language?



It seemed that whatever allowed her to heal could heal her skin fast, but that was just to stop the bleeding. Her innards were a different story.



RJ: They were replaced with caramel and creamy nougat.



Although her organs were healing too, it seemed that it would take a lot longer.



Scarlet: Look, just because I occasionally have someone’s organs on display outside their body does not mean they’re not supposed to be innards!

CaptaiPipsqueak: Yes, clearly in that case they would be ‘outtards.’



To top it off, she was in some sort of, hibernation state, and nothing would wake her up until she was fully healed.



Scarlet: “It’s almost as if someone was deliberately ripping off that Death of Superman Healing Coma BS.”

Lord Shaxx: It’s not ripping off if it’s in a fanfic.



I couldn't tell if that was a natural reaction that her body had, or if she had been in that much pain. We tried to speed up her healing, but her body would just devour the magic like it was food, and it just kept her from getting hungry.



Scarlet: “We stopped since there’s absolutely no value in keeping an injured patient well-fed.”

SC276: Great, a magic sink too. Can’t wait to see what else comes up.



So, to keep her fed, we just kept giving her healing magic.



JofY: Because digestion works like that.



It had been a couple days since Lisa had fought the rake.



Scarlet: “Which we now knew the name of because we looked it up on the Creepypasta Wiki afterward.”

SC276: They’re still there?! All seven-plus of them?! Has no one noticed?!



She seemed to be getting better, so I wasn't too worried. Of course, for the first two days I had constant panic attacks but, that was normal for any person, right? Right?



SC276: Person, yes. Pony, on the other hand...



"Twilight?"

"EEK!" I screamed.



Scarlet: Almost a joke! Here, Prince_Zodiac, a “You Almost Did It” sticker!



"Oh sorry," I heard Celestia say. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine," I replied with a sheepish smile. "You just surprised me. I was deep in thought." Celestia smiled.

"Well I just wanted to tell you some good news," Celestia said. "Lisa is recovering nicely. She might even be able to wake up today."



Scarlet: [Celestia] “I can tell this because-” *makes humming noises and gallops away into the distance*



"That's great!" I yelled in excitement. Celestia nodded.

"By the way, where's Applejack and Rainbow Dash?" Celestia asked.

"Huh? Oh, they went back to Ponyvile to get some food," I said.



Scarlet: “They left three days ago and we haven’t heard from them since, except for this note reading ‘see ya, we out, deuces’.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “I’m starting to get the feeling they ditched us, but I’m going to give them another day. Then I’ll start worrying.”



"Hmm, I hope that monster Lisa fought doesn't come after them." Celestia says with worry.

"Don't worry," I said. "Lisa said that for some reason, that monster doesn't like daylight, and it's a beautiful day out.



SC276: Birds are singing, flowers are blooming…

JofY: So go and leave! Even if there’s some ‘Lisa has to stay in the forest to prevent the Rake from leaving’ BS, they don’t know that!



They should be fine." Celestia nodded.



Scarlet: It’s a beautiful day. Birds are singing. Flowers are blooming. On days like this, fics like you…

SC276: Goddammit, Scarlet, you stole my line preemptively.



"I certainly hope so. Well this has been fun but I believe I have to leave now,"



JofY: [Celestia] “I’m sure whatever this monster problem is couldn’t at all need the help of a god.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “Even if all you have is me.”



she said as she walked away.



SC276: That’s pretty much my attitude when a riff ends.



I nodded.

"Bye Celestia!" I said.



Scarlet: Isn’t it kind of awkward that this is an exact homonym for swearing in this fic’s universe?



She waved goodbye, got on her chariot, and left.



CaptainPipsqueak: Y’know, just once I’d like to to see her actually use her wings.



I decided to check up on Lisa. When I got into her room, she was still sleeping peacefully. I can't belive that just a few days ago, she looked like she had seen the worst.



SC276: She read Starfleet Humans too?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’d say 120 Days of Blueblood, but she’s not screaming, bleeding uncontrollably or throwing up.



She had been all cut up and damaged, but now she looked like she was fine, from the outside at least.



Scarlet: At her core, she was still a terrible and vague character concept with literally no defining traits beyond inappropriate perkiness!



Inside, I knew she was still beat up pretty bad. But, the doctors said that she'd make a full recovery, and she might even wake up today!



SC276: Literally Celestia said that. Like, just now. Let’s see her degree.



I hope she will. No one had gotten the chance to thank her for saving Celestia. Pinkie would probably throw her the biggest "Welcome-to-Ponyville-and-thank-you-for-saving-Celestia-party" ever.



Scarlet: Again. From the monster that avoids sunlight. This is like saving a Paladin from a zombie.

Lord Shaxx: Like saving a Venus Flytrap from a fly that landed in it’s ‘mouth’.



I can only hope Lisa likes parties. I then heard the door open.

"Hello?" It was Applejack. I went to the living room.

"Hey girls," I said happily.



JofY: My god! Applejack has multiplied as well!

CaptainPipsqueak: One of ‘em’s a changeling. Guess which one!



"Hey Twi," Rainbow said. They both had saddle bags full of food.



Lord Shaxx: And now there are two Rainbow Dashs! Er… Dashes? Dash’s? Dashi? The fuck’s the plural term for Dash?

CaptainPipsqueak: A Dash Double-Down?



"How's Lisa doing?" Applejack asked.

"A lot better," I answered. "In fact, she might actually wake up today!"



Scarlet: [Applejack and Rainbow] “Hurray. Woo.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Though she may decide to sleep in. It’s one of those ‘lazy days’ y’know?”



"That's great!" Applejack said.

"I know right?" I said.



Lord Shaxx: I wish I didn’t.



"Hey where's everypony else?" Rainbow asked



Scarlet: I refer to my earlier riff and cross my fingers that I’m right this time.

SC276: What, the Rake put them out of their misery?



"Well, Rarity went to chew out those newspaper guys for what they said about Lisa, Pinkie went to prepare Lisa's party in advance for when she'd be able to come to Ponyvile, Fluttershy went to check on her animals, and Celestia had to head back to Canterlot."



Scarlet: What, Pinkie didn’t bring portable party supplies to the woods?

SC276: Even a Rake wouldn’t attack a Pinkie with a party cannon.



"Oh," Rainbow replied. They brought the food to the kitchen. Lisa's friend stopped teleporting us food. How do I know? Well, the last batch of food he sent us came with a note. It said that the rake wouldn't bother us for a while, and he had other important things he needed to take care of. Something about sending a dragon and a robot to another dimension.



Scarlet: No fair, I want to read that story now! I mean I know it’s Displaced so whatever I’m imagining is likely going to be better than the reality, but still!

Lord Shaxx: Actually, I just read that one. And it was far worse than this.

SC276: The whole restrock food thing is reminding me of Danganronpa now. Honestly, a mutual killing game breaking out is the best thing that could happen right now.



Anyways, now that the rake was gone, we could get our own food.



JofY: Wait, what? When?

Lord Shaxx: Yeah. AJ saw the rake lying on the ground and put it in the shed. The Rake, on the other hand...



It seemed kind of rude to do that, but I'm sure that other business he had was just as important.



Scarlet: Yeah, how rude! Saving the multiverse is barely a reason to miss brunch.



After putting all of the food away, we all sat in the living room and started to watch a movie. I had only seen movies in the human world, so I was really excited when Lisa showed us that she had movies.



SC276: Um, then that theater from the Babs Seed episode just spontaneously arose from nowhere, apparently?

Lord Shaxx: Pocket Theatre! Like Pocket Sand, except the fact that you just threw an entire movie theatre in someone’s face means you crush them instantaneously!



We were watching a movie called Pitch Perfect. Lisa said it was one of her favorites, so we tried it out.



Scarlet: Alright, everybody pause. We have to suspend the riff for a bit so we can all go riff Pitch Perfect instead!

SC276: Should I count myself lucky that FIMfic’s search engine has no idea how freakin’ quotes are supposed to work in searches?



It was actually pretty good. The music was good, and the jokes were really funny. Though, some of them I didn't get. By the time the movie was done, the sun had started to dip into the horizon.



Scarlet: And eat it with tortilla chips.

SC276: Plus some fava beans and a nice chianti.

CaptainPipsqueak:*SLURPSLURPSLURPSLURP*



"I wonder where Rarity is." Rainbow Dash said.

"She said she was going to come back," I said with worry.



Scarlet: Escape Attempt Counter- 3



"Ah'm sure she's fine," Applejack said. Then we all heard a scream. It sounded like Rarity!



SC276: But was actually Sweetie Belle aged up.



"Oh yeah, she sure sounds fine," Rainbow said as we all ran out the door.



JofY: Dick move, Dash. Dick move.



The sun had gone down by this point, and the moon was high in the sky. It had officially become night.



CaptainPipsqueak: The night had its badge and paperwork to prove it.

Lord Shaxx: Considering that they use spears… Is it (k)nighttime?



I could only hope that nothing we couldn't handle was chasing Rarity.



Scarlet: Random Bugbear, Tirek, Nightmare Moon, Discord, small groups of Changelings depending on how canon you consider the IDW comics, and various other problems large and small across five seasons. Yeah you totally can’t handle whatever it is.

Lord Shaxx: A wild Throwaway Villain appeared! It used Generic Moves!



We were about to make it to the edge of the forest, when Rarity ran out. She was being chased by, no, it couldn't be.



JofY: The representation of the meaninglessness of life?

CaptainPipsqueak: The Black Smurfs?



It was the rake. But how? Lisa's friend had said that the rake wouldn't be bothering us for a while!



SC276: Well obviously, “a while” ran out a while ago. You’d think a god entity would be more specific.

Lord Shaxx: (Applejack) Ah thought Ah put it back in the shed!



Then, a second one came out. Followed by a third, and a fourth.



JofY: You get a rake! You get a rake! Everybody gets a rake!

Lord Shaxx: You should branch out from that. Leaf it alone for a while, ya’ know?



So Lisa's friend ment that specific rake.



Scarlet: This is kind of like the Power Rangers telling the good people of Angel Grove that they won’t have to worry about monsters for a while.



Well ponyfeathers.



JofY: ‘This is just going to take the entire night to deal with, isn’t it.’



Rarity came running into the clearing, the rakes chasing after her. However, once they got in, some sort of barrier stopped them from getting in any further.



SC276: What is this, that house Jake’s brother was staying in in Adventure Time?



More and more came, and they started to punch and claw at the barrier, voicing their maddened roars of protest.



Scarlet: [Rakes] “Boooo! We demand a more logical insertion into the story! We demand higher quality artist’s renditions! We demand the author do literally anything to try and make this scene as scary as they think it is!”



Rarity ran up to us.

"Rarity are you okay?" I asked.

"Yes I'm fine," she replied, fear evident in her voice. "But those things almost got me!"

"Don't worry, that barrier should hold them," Rainbow Dash said.



Lord Shaxx: And there’s your daily temptation of fate. Murphy, your shift’s over.



Then we heard a crack. I looked to the closest rake. I could see a crack in the barrier. It was getting weaker.



Scarlet: To be fair, Rainbow lives in a house made of clouds. She might over-estimate the solidity of things.

SC276: Where did you get the salt?



"What?" Rarity said. "How are they breaking the barrier?" I thought about it for a second. That barrier was super strong, and was completely made of magic, so how were they damaging it?



SC276: They have seven human SOULs?

Lord Shaxx: That’s IT! They’re Rakes! Rakes clean leaves! What do leaves grow on? Flowers! What’s a flower with seven SOULs? Flowey! Illuminati confirmed!



Unless, I took another look at that rake. Unlike the others, he was biting the barrier, not scratching it.



Scarlet: Ah-ha! Barrier is a psychic-type move, and Bite is a dark-type! It all makes sense!



That was it! Like Lisa, these things could eat raw magic.



JofY: Because air, where magic comes from, is edible.



And the whole barrier was made of raw magic!



JofY: You see!? This is just some of the problems that happens when you use unprocessed magic.

Lord Shaxx: The barrier shouldn’t even be raw magic. It’s taking the shape of a barrier, isn’t it? And it was holding?



The others took notice of what that on rake was doing, and they started to do the same.



JofY: [Rarity] “My Celestia, this is yummy! Twilight, come try some!”



The cracks on the barrier were getting bigger and bigger.



Scarlet: “It was a blessing that none of them had learned Brick Break.”

SC276: I’m not good with the metagame, uh, Mold Breaker?



Eventually, part of it broke. After that, eating the barrier became easy.



JofY: Not only that, but it was delicious and nutritious!

Lord Shaxx: Now with 70% more bad writing! Part of a nutritious breakfast!



More and more of the barrier was getting devoured. soon, there was a large enough hole for some of the rakes to fit through.



Scarlet: Any leaves in the vicinity are going to be fucking terrified.

Lord Shaxx: What makes you think they aren’t?



As they started to walk in, we ran to the house. Then more spots where the rakes could walk in started to appear around the whole cabin, and one ran in. It cut us off, and we had to stop. One by one, they all flooded in. We were surrounded.



Scarlet: [Rakes] “WE WILL ALL PERISH TOGETHER, IN THIS ABYSS OF HACK WRITING.”



"Twilight, what do we do?" Applejack asked in fear.



Lord Shaxx: Kill yourselves! Or let me do it for you!



"I... I don't know."



SC276: Well, you can start by shooting it. Just don’t hit in its mouth. Basically, don’t pretend it’s a Metroid boss.



I looked at the rake in front of me. It lifted up it's hand, and swung. I closed my eyes, ready for the pain. It never came. I opened my eyes, and saw the rake was frozen in place. All of them had stopped. The rake that had just tried to attack me, had a tendril of darkness, right through it's chest.



Scarlet: Seras Victoria, no! I know Hellsing’s been done for years now, but you have legions of undying fans! There’s no reason to debase yourself with this cameo!

SC276: Of course the OC wakes up at literally the last possible second to save everyone.



The dark tentacle threw the rake into the air, grabbed it's body, then ripped it in half, and threw the pieces into the crowed of rake's. I looked behind me, and saw Lisa. But, something didn't feel right.



JofY: Wait… Dark tentacle?... Oh… And here I was thinking that it might be trying to be an action story about ponies fighting off creepypasta type monsters. Noo… this gonna be a ‘OMG my OC is like so edgy and cool.’...SCAAAAAARLET!!!

Scarlet: All according to plan. *Gendo Ikari finger tent*



When I looked at her, I felt like I was looking at a monster, not my newest friend.



Scarlet: Meta-Twilight begins to get genre savvy.



"GET. AWAY. FROM. MY. FRIENDS!" She said each word slowly, and shouted the last one.



JofY: Okay, who put her on 0.5x speed?

Lord Shaxx: Sorry! It’s just so fun, especially with closed captions! It’s like watching a dozen train wrecks!



Her tandrils of darkness dived out and spun, knocking away all of the rakes. She then looked down at us.



Scarlet: The forces of darkness cannot abide a tidy yard!



"You four, inside, now." she said.

"Lisa?" I asked.



Lord Shaxx: No, this is Patrick.



"I said NOW!" she yelled.



JofY: You said now, but that was then. And now now is no longer now because now was before. Yes, you may enjoy that migraine.



I flinched, but nodded. The girls and I ran past the rake that were still getting up. As I ran, I heard Lisa say something.



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Okay you pathetic… um… line, please!”



"Okay you pathetic excuse for monsters," she said.



JofY: Actually, they're quite a good excuse for a monster.



A cut suddenly appeared on her face.



JofY: This is why you shouldn’t monologue towards those that don’t understand you.



The cut then opened up to make a blood filled mouth.



Scarlet: “Unfortunately it was only about an inch wide, which spoiled the effect somewhat.”



"Let's have some fun!"



JofY: Of course, it sounded more like: “Blub blub blub blub!”

Fallen Prime: SlenderLisa is now Octodad.



The rakes all roared at her and charged.



JofY: [Twilight] ‘Thank god I could see behind me, or else I wouldn’t have any idea what’s going on.’



She roared back and leaped into the air. She dived into the back of monsters, and started ripping them apart. She was merciless. Crushing their heads, legs, arms, ripping them in half or ripping off body parts.



Scarlet: Eh, I don’t see what’s so exciting. This sounds like a normal Saturday night so far.

SC276: If she’s mowing through them like this, why did she have so much trouble with just one, in ambient sunlight?



She was laughing in insane glee, and roaring like the rakes.



SC276: Ah, berserker rage hate makes you strong. It’s funnier when Lord Hater does it.



At least whenever she killed one, they didn't have blood in them.



JofY: Of course, that would just be cliched.



Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I would have thrown up five times at least.



SC276: Trust me, you don’t need an excessive sight of blood to throw up.

Lord Shaxx: ...Can someone get a mop?

JofY: What for?

Lord Shaxx: This story.

CaptainPipsqueak: Nah; leave the stains as a warning to the next ‘Displaced’ fic.



I came to one conclusion. This was not Lisa. This was some, monster that shared her body, but that was not her.



Scarlet: Seras, no!

SC276: Oh my god, she’s also displaced Genocide Jack, I need to strangle something.



She had killed half of them in about two minuets.



Scarlet: No word on whether or not she needed a waltz for the remainder.



She wouldn't stop killing them.



JofY: What a brat, not letting the others get their own turn to kill the garden tools.



She didn't even leave the ones that were trying to leave alive. After four minutes, she had killed them all.



SC276: That would indicate that there was a giant-ass swarm of those things before. How had they not eaten anypony in all the other times ponies have been in the Everfree?!

Lord Shaxx: The hell do you think those ponies became? They’re like zombies. I think.



She was just, standing there.



JofY: In mid air. She’s standing on air.



She then looked to the sky and let out a terrifying roar. Then, the cut that made her blood filled mouth disappeared, and she fell to the ground.



JofY: <Sound of a bone cracking>

Lord Shaxx: Sweet, sweet release. Bleagh...



We ran outside to her.



Scarlet: “In retrospect, we suck at self-preservation.”

Lord Shaxx: And that’s why we have bad authors! To completely negate the inability to save one’s own skin, the author will whip up a piping hot meal of ‘my OC will save you’ stew!



"LISA!" We all cried.

"Are you okay?" I asked once we got to her. She sat up and shook her head.

"Yeah yeah I'm fine," she said. She then noticed the bodies around her. "Whoa, what happened here?"



SC276: Oh yeah. Genocide Jack. Hang on, I’m going to go strangle a puppy real quick...



"Um, you did," I answered.

"What?" she asked. "What do you mean by that?"



SC276: You telling me you didn’t know about blacking out and waking up to find yourself surrounded by freakin’ monster corpses?



"Well, all of these rakes got in, and they tried to attack us," I began. "Then suddenly, you were here, and you attacked them. You had this cut that acted like a mouth, and you fought like you were a puppet that was being controlled by something else."



Scarlet: “Actually in retrospect saying all this out loud makes me question whether standing this close to you is a good idea.”



"A cut?" She said. "And I fought like a puppet? Hmm." She sat there and thought for a minute. Then realization hit her face. "Oh, oh no, oh no no no. S-She didn't hurt any of you did she?"

"No s- wait, she?" I asked. Lisa sighed.



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Yes. I know it’s hard to believe given my name, appearance, and general demeanor, but I’m actually a woman.”

SC276: OK so you are aware of it, and… OK, it would be unreasonable to tell ponies about it that you’ve only had, what, two hours to speak to directly, but this is still bullshit.



"Look, remember when I said that I was a nightmare that kept other nightmares away?"

"Yeah,"



Scarlet: “I mean mostly I remember you screaming ‘I am Batman’ and laughing at us while lightning struck in the background dramatically.”



"Well, there's a reason for that. You see, for as long as I've been here, there's always been something else."



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Something besides the forest of evil flora and fauna which is only kept in check by the presence of a magical world-tree buried within it.”

SC276: Also, the Rakes.

Lord Shaxx: Seriously, they need to hire a landscaping business ASAP.



"Like what?"

"Well, you see all of those other monsters right?" We all nodded. "Well, I'm supposed to be like them."



JofY: You have an origin, that while at the time semi-decent in nature, but got ruined due to flanderization making what was once supposed to be a small little gimmick be turned into a joke?



"What do you mean?"

"Those monsters were born like that. But I wasn't born here, I wasn't always like this."



Scarlet: [Lisa] “I know it’s hard to believe, but there was a time when Slenderman stories could’ve been genuinely unsettling to read!”

JofY: You mean you weren’t born that way? But I thought that there was no other way...

SC276: ~I’m beautiful in my way / ‘cause God makes no mistakes / I’m on the right track, baby / I was born this way~

Lord Shaxx: “I’ve just done hard time. Let me tell you about Cell Block FU…”



"What do you mean?"

"I'm not ready to tell you yet. Let's just say I used to be, something else.



Scarlet: Lisa, not even I want to hear your coming out story right now. There are monsters in the woods!

SC276: There’s a Man in the Woods.



Anyways, when I first got here, I heard this voice in my head, telling me to be like those other monsters. To just kill for no reason.



JofY: Okay, I may not be an expert on Creepypasta monsters, but I do know that each one (that’s popular) either has a reason for being murderous, or they kill without saying anything.

SC276: Even the Tails Doll! It’s mad that its only game was Sonic R.



I eventually tuned it out, and it stopped bugging me. But every once in a while, my inner monster comes out, usually in a fit of rage or want to protect something.



Scarlet: ...As monsters are wont to do, I suppose.

SC276: If this shit extends to the cast of Undertale, that’s a genocide run well justified.

Lord Shaxx: The ONLY time I’ll ever do a Genocide run and be fine with it.



When that happens, I lose control, and she goes on a rampage."

"Who's she?" Rainbow asks.

"Her name is Slender Woman, and she is my inner monster." We all gasp.



Scarlet: [Twilight and co.] “That’s…”



"That's terrible," Rarity says.



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Yeah, Rarity summed it up. That is a terrible name.”

JofY: Okay, who else is imaging Slenderpony, in a Wonder Woman get up?

SC276: I’m just gonna go with Slendergirl. I’m stubborn like that.

Lord Shaxx: JoFY, you magnificent bastard. That is now my headcanon for this story.



"It's not so bad," Lisa replies sadly. "At least she stopped fighting for control a long time ago. And she only comes when it's really bad. Otherwise, she keeps to herself."



Scarlet: [Lisa] “It’s like having a roommate who doesn’t actually contribute anything to the discussion usually but sits in the corner of your living room every time you have guests over and just watches, and watches, and watches.”



"Are you going to be okay?" I asked.

"Y-Yeah I.. I'll, be f-fine," she said. She sounded like she was about to cry.



SC276: No, that’s us trying to process that plot point.

Lord Shaxx: It had a point? I thought the author was typing aimlessly. More so than usual.



"It's just that, the last time this happened, I hurt.. no, I killed someone who was close to me."



JofY: [Lisa] “Oh! I didn’t actually care for them, they were just nearby me.”



She started to cry. The girls and I hugged her as she cried. We took her inside, and sat her down on her couch. We made her some soup, and brought it o her.



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Must be blood. Must be fresh!”

JofY: Oh, what? Do you want it without any pesticides too?



"T-Thanks girls," Lisa said. "Sorry for breaking down, I just, never wanted to remember what happened all those years ago."



Scarlet: Don’t worry, neither did we!

SC276: Shit, I think the brain bleach ran out around Mykan finale and I don’t think we’ve gotten the chance to restock.

Lord Shaxx: Wait… Really? We’re out?

JofY: I’m not sure. However, when I woke up they were all empty.

CaptainPipsqueak: I store my brain on a hard drive just before these. One simple download and I’m back to myself. Thank God I sprung for a USB-3 port.



"It's okay dear," Rarity said. "If I was in your position, I would be acting the same way if not worse."



CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, Rarity is a pretty terrible actor. Just sayin’.



"Yeah," Applejack said. "You're handling this a whole lot better than Ah ever would." She nodded and ate her soup. We spent the night at her house again so we could be there for her.



SC276: [Twilight] “I mean, it’s not like we actually went back home at… any point.”



After all, for something like that, no one should be alone for it.



Scarlet: The guiding philosophy behind these riffs, in a nutshell!

Lord Shaxx: I thought it was “Misery loves company.”



Author's Note:

SAD CHAPTER ENDING!



JofY: This qualifies as an emotional ending?... I worry for the emotional state of the writer.

SC276: Boo hoo, trauma, I am the real monster, get over it.



Hey everyone! It's me again! Now, I have no idea how this chapter will be received. If you love it, great! If not, tell me why.



JofY: It’s terrible. That’s why.

SC276: Because you gave a character Genocide Jack, that’s freakin’ why.

Lord Shaxx: Because Displaced, that’s why.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m willing to go with just ‘Because.’



If it's for the inner monster thing, let me say that I had to have that because it's needed for something later in the story.



JofY: Congratulations author. I’m sure it was a work of brilliance of yours to realize that plot elements can be brought up several times.



Hope you all enjoy!



Scarlet: Well, I’m certainly enjoying myself, though not for the reasons you intended.

Lord Shaxx: Is the ritual nearly complete? And what’re you doing with the goat corpses?



Chapter Four: The Past



Scarlet: Thank the stars, it looks like Runt took my advice. Live free, man. Live free.



{Lisa’s POV}

I woke up the next morning to a beautiful day.



SC276: It was a beautiful sunny day.

Lord Shaxx: It was a beautiful day for a wedding.



Maybe this time it would stay that way. I walked into the living room to see Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash sleeping on and around the couch.



SC276: Wait, where are Pinkie and Fluttershy? Actually, I have no idea if they were even in the last chapter, the timeline’s falling apart already.



I walked into the kitchen, and I thought about making some coffee, but decided to make some pancakes



Scarlet: Are we sure this wouldn’t work better as a Cupcakes crossover?

JofY: It’s hard enough to get one Creepypasta monster’s personality correct.

Lord Shaxx: And that’s if you survive the edges.



instead. I turned on the stove and grabbed some batter from my cabinet. I stopped and looked into my pantry; there was a lot more food in there now then there was before I was knocked out. I guess the girls went out shopping.



Scarlet: “Unfortunately all the extra supplies they had bought were either made entirely of processed hay or were bottles of sriracha sauce.”

SC276: And totally not because the guy restocking your fridge before overcompensated or something, that’s a possibility.



Huh, that was nice of them. I took out a pan, put it on the stove, put the batter on it, and started to make some pancakes. I’m glad my Mom taught me how to cook before I came here. That’s one skill that’s helped me over the years.



SC276: Yes, when trapped in the wilderness and surrounded by hostile life, knowing how to make pancakes is an indispensable survival skill.



As I flipped the pancakes, I heard somepony walk in.



Scarlet: I’m pretty sure you don’t need to know how to cook in order to make a pancake.



“Is that pancakes Ah smell?” I turned and saw Applejack.

“Morning Jackie,” I said.



Scarlet: [Applejack] “Aaaand I’m gone.”

SC276: [Applejack] “No pancake’s worth this shit.”



“Need any help?”

“No, I’m fine.” Applejack walked up to me.

“Hey, are you okay?”



Scarlet: Foul! Confusion of speaker! Ten line deduction, still fourth chapter!



“Yeah I’m fine. A lot of old memories came up last night, that’s all.” Applejack nodded. Suddenly, a portal opened up above me and from it, a newspaper fell, right onto my head. I looked up.



Scarlet: The ceiling was covered with sentient newspapers with bombs strapped to their bodies!

Lord Shaxx: ...The ceiling’s a bomb?



“Could you at least wait till I’m sitting down Marx?”



JofY: Is it the one I’m thinking of?

SC276: If you’re saying the instigator for all this Displaced nonsense is the final boss of Kirby Super Star, I’m going to get even more stabby.



“Nope!”



Scarlet: [Marx] “The time for the proletariat to reject the oppressive shackles of the life he has been trapped in is now! We have suffered too long!”

Lord Shaxx: Marx had a proper beard. Not a face caterpillar, like some communists.



I rolled my eyes and the portal closed. I picked the newspaper up from the ground and set it on the table, then I went back to my pancakes.



Scarlet: “After a while, I’ve learned to ignore the extraneous story elements which exist only as an easy backstory lead.”



“Um, who was that?”

“Huh? Oh, just an old friend of mine.”

“An old friend of yours? How did ya meet somepony like him?”



Scarlet: Well, given the name it was presumably a cold, German night and you were helping him edit The Communist Manifesto.

SC276: Or he exists in limbo after he was defeated by Kirby and crashed into NOVA.



“It’s a long story. I guess I could tell you once the others get up.” Applejack nodded and started to clear off the table. Once she was done, I brought my pancakes (not to brag but I think I made them perfectly)



Scarlet: You thought wrong. Mine are soggy in the center! *vengefully chews*



to the table and got everyone some plates. I set the plates down, and laid out the pancakes as Applejack went to get the other girls up. I walked up to the fridge and looked at the drinks that I had.



JofY: ‘There’s soda, OJ… Ooh! Purple stuff!’

SC276: Multiple glasses of blue drink!

Lord Shaxx: Dibs on the Nuka Quantum!



I had apple juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, and… cider?



Scarlet: “The one drink I cannot abide!”



“Since when did I have cider?” I thought about it for a moment. There was only one pony that could have done this. “Rainbow Dash.”



JofY: The one who makes Cider as part of her living must have no connection to this!

SC276: Plus I’m pretty sure Rainbow would just drink it all, let’s be honest.



Great. What am I supposed to do with this?



Scarlet: Drink it because it is sweet and delicious? And/or alcoholic depending on whether it’s hard cider?



Eh, maybe I’ll give it to Marx. He’ll probably give it to some other displaced.



SC276: If she’s aware of the others, does that mean she’s aware of the fourth wall? Because I’m tired of dealing with those.



I took out all of the juice and set it on the counter. I took out some cups, and set them all down. I turned and saw everypony walking in.



Scarlet: “I resolved not to serve a single drop to Rainbow Dash.”



“Good morning girls.”



JofY: [Twilight and Co.] “Good morning Charley.”



“Morning Lisa,” Twilight replied with a nod.

“Morning darling.” Rarity said with grace.

“‘Sup,” Rainbow said.

“I made pancakes!” I led them to the table, and we all began to eat. “By the way, why’d you buy me cider, Rainbow?”



Scarlet: “A cup of cider killed my parents!”



“Um, because cider is AWESOME!”

“Yeah well, I don’t drink.”



Scarlet: Authors who don’t know that cider can also be a sweet, nonalcoholic drink- 1.



“Oh, well I guess I’ll just take it with me.”



CaptainPipsqueak: Drinking and flying; the number-one killer of pegasi, though living next to Derpy is slowly inching its way up.



How much you wanna bet she planned this from the beginning? I used my mind reading powers.

‘YES! I knew she didn’t look like the drinking type. Now I’ve got cider that Applejack bought!’ Yep, I knew it. Whoever said she didn’t now owes me five bucks! A sudden portal opened up and five bits fell out.



Scarlet: Is… is that a… what…

SC276: I knew Marx Soul was a serious upgrade, but I didn’t think it was that serious.

JofY: Wait a sec, these are Zimbabwe dollars!



“Ha! I knew it!”

“Whatever...” Marx grunted with frustration. The portal then closed.

“Um… what?”

“Don’t worry Twi, me and Marx make bets all the time.”



Scarlet: “We usually do it without informing the readers in advance so that the gag is thoroughly confusing in its logistics.”

SC276: To be fair, the Side Bet trope is usually like that, but it happens in the freakin’ background. Doesn’t work with focal characters.



“Who’s Marx?”

“He’s my friend that sends me a copy of the newspaper.”

“Oh, who is he anyway?”

“Well, it’s a long story but, I suppose that since I have no plans today, I could tell you all.”



Scarlet: “Or I could keep being infuriatingly vague while the story farts around between action setpieces. That’s actually worked great so far!”



“Oooo! Back story time!” I looked up and saw Pinkie on my head.

“AAAHHH!” everypony else screamed.



Scarlet: Her head is metamorphosing into a pony!

CaptainPipsqueak: That happened to me once; turned out it was just a really bad trip.



“Pinkie when did you get here?” Rainbow asked.



SC276: That’s a stupid question. Let’s see the stupid answer.



“WellaftergettingthingsreadybackatponyvileIdecidedtocomebackheretoseewhatyouallweredoingandwhenIheardLisasayshewasgoingtotellalongstoryIknewitwouldbeabackstorysoIdecidedtojoin!”



JofY: But that isn’t a time.

CaptainPipsqueak: Also: never do that again.



“Is that a fact?” I said amused.



Scarlet: No.



“Wait, you understood that?” Twilight asked.



Lord Shaxx: “Hell, no. I bullshit my way through, just like I did on my English finals.”



“Yes, all it takes is learning to listen to different segments of a sentence, and then you’ll get the general idea.”



SC276: Also, reading.



“Yeah!”

“Okay then. So anyways you were going to tell us about Marx?”

“Right, so the story starts a long time ago, back before I came here.”



Scarlet: Ooh, wait, we forgot to add mood music. Here, let me!



I was just a little girl when I first meet him. You see, I had a very lonely childhood. Not really any friends. The only real friend I had was Marx, my imaginary, or who I thought was imaginary, friend.



CaptainPipsqueak: Though oddly enough he kept demanding I call him ‘Karl’.



He would always be with me. We’d play games, tell jokes,



JofY: “make bombs, explode buildings, crush those who get in our way,”

Lord Shaxx: “Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate,”



and just have fun.



Scarlet: “We’d often mock my parents for being tools of the bourgeois.”

SC276: “He had no arms and balanced on a ball all the time for reasons I never really understood.”



But that wasn’t the only thing that made him awesome. When he would come with me to school, he didn’t just hang out with me during recess, but he would also help me with class work. It would actually work too. With his help, not only was my classwork and homework mostly correct, but if I didn’t know an answer on a test, he would somehow know the answer.



Scarlet: “My education suffered as a result, and I was virtually guaranteed to flunk out of the first school he didn’t follow me to.”



Life was great with him around. But, one day, I just stopped seeing him. At first I just assumed that I had outgrown my imaginary friend, but I would one day learn that I was very wrong about that.



SC276: “Who knew the reasonable assumption would be incorrect?”



It was a friday night. My parents and I were staying at my uncle’s house over christmas break. After that, I would have head home, but I would never get the chance.



Scarlet: “I was kidnapped by the communist revolutionary party and recruited into a secret society of freedom fighters attempting to defeat the evil Trump!”



You see, it had been rumored in my family that my uncle made drugs in his basement.



JofY:[Lisa] “But Walter is not that kind of person.”

SC276: Meth lab explosion. Calling it now.

Lord Shaxx: Lisa is the one who knocks.



I thought those rumors weren’t true. Oh, how wrong I was. A sudden boom shook me and parents awake.



Scarlet: ~Boom, clap! The sound of my heart/the beat goes on, and on and on and on and-~



There smoke coming from the basement, and I heard a fire roaring underneath us. We ran downstairs, only to see the fire had spread here from the basement to the first floor.



Scarlet: What, was your uncle synthesizing explosive crystal meth or something?

SC276: Called it! Also, why are you running towards the fire?

Lord Shaxx: Through the fire and the flames, we carry on!



“The window upstairs! We can get out from there!” my dad yelled. My mom and I nodded. We ran upstairs and try to get out the window. First my mom goes. I can see the fire starting to spread up to here.

“Your turn sweetie,” My dad says.



Scarlet: Awww, what an affectionate thing to say during such a terrifying and stressful situation!



“No, you’re going first.” My dad is about to object, but I push him out the window. I was about to follow, but then I hear a crack.



JofY: “Daddy! No!!!”

SC276: [Plankton] “Daddy, yes!”



I look down. The fire has spread up here completely now. The wooden floor below me was cracked. The crack begins to grow. The floor below me collapses, and I fall.



Scarlet: Wait a minute, did we just switch to present tense? Quick, background music change!

SC276: Oh my god, not another HiE that involves Equestria being the human afterlife…

CaptainPipsqueak: So...like half of them, then?



I hit the first floor, it breaks from my momentum and I fall to the basement. There’s fire all around me, and everything was collapsing. I, was going, to die.



JofY: [Lisa] “Just, remembering… thatmoment, makes... meact, like, Shatner.”



A portal suddenly appears in front of me, and something walks out.



Scarlet: Chell, no!

SC276: Chell, yes!

Lord Shaxx: Chell, wrong story! Save yourself before it’s too late!

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLADoS]: “Get back in here, you fat ugly orphan; I’m not done with you yet!”



It was a skeleton, with a black cape tied around it’s neck with a red gem holding it there.



Scarlet: ...That one fan-concept final boss Papyrus got really weird.

SC276: ...I’m still going with the Kirby character, fuck you.



It had a staff that had a mini Tirek skull on the top, and a spear tip on the bottom.



JofY:



It was Marx!



JofY: The German philosopher!?

SC276: Boy, NOVA gave him a hell of a powerup. Also, out of curiosity, you had a cape-wearing skeleton as an imaginary friend?



“M-Marx?

“Hello Lisa.” I couldn’t believe it. Was I hallucinating him because I was about to die?

“You’re not going to die Lisa, I’m not going to let that happen.” Huh, how?

“What do you mean? You're just a being from my imagination, right?”



Scarlet: [Marx] “Yeah, you’re hallucinating all this right now.”

JofY: [Marx] “The drugs are really working on you right now.”

SC276: [Marx] “That’s what happens when meth labs explode.”

Lord Shaxx: [Marx] “Reminds me of the time the weed field was on fire.”



“Look, do you remember how I would be able to tell you things you yourself didn’t know?”

“Yeah?”

“How would I be able to do that unless I was a separate being entirely?”



SC276: Her repressed subconscious, obviously.



“Um, I don’t know.” The fire was still roaring. I was losing air. Marx must have noticed this.

“Listen, I would explain more but we don’t have the time.



SC276: Although they do have the time for a giant-ass conversation.

Lord Shaxx: He doesn’t have time to explain why he doesn’t have time to explain.



I can save you, but you must agree to it. Do you want to live?”



Scarlet: “I had to think about this for a moment.”

SC276: [Marx] “Come with me if you want to live.”



“Y-Yes.”

“Then I can save you, but in order to do that, I have to send you away. You wont ever be able to come back home, and you will never look the same again. Is that okay?” I thought for a moment.



SC276: Well, I’m riffing this, so...



“Y-Yeah, that’s fine, just make sure my parents will be okay.” Marx nodded. A portal opened up beneath me, and I fall.



Scarlet: Passing through time, space, and abrupt tense changes, Lisa crosses the dimensional boundary! Fight on, Lisa! You can do it, Lisa!



As I begin to fall, my body begins to change. My skin gets paler, and I grow tendrils of darkness out of my back.



JofY: She’s becoming goth!



My black hair doesn’t change, and neither do my clothes or body shape.



Scarlet: Moon Prism Power! Make Up!



I continue to fall, till another portal opens up below me. I fall through, and land in a field. I get up and look around. The field was surrounded by a really creepy, but strangely familiar forest. I then hear Marx speakin my head.



Scarlet: [Marx] “Religion is the opiate of the masses.”

SC276: [Marx] “Now I will be the ruler of Pop Star!”



“Ah, seems as though I put you in a place you recognize.”

“Where exactly did you put me?”

“I’ll give you a hint, Everfree.”



Scarlet: [Marx] “Which isn’t a hint, that’s literally where I put you. See, I can give you a straight answer!”



Everfree? What? Wait a second.



JofY: [Lisa] “You… You put me inside some Everfree gum!?”

[Marx] “...This is going to take up my entire week, isn’t it.”

SC276: Of course she’s a brony...



“You’re kidding me right?”

“What? I thought you’d like it!”



JofY: [Marx] “I thought you’d like being placed in one of the most dangerous areas a dimension has!”



“Yeah I’m fine with it. I just never thought you’d send me here.”



Scarlet: [Lisa] “So what about my parents and loved ones?”

[Marx] “Eh, you’re dead to them forever. Also I gave you an internal psychotic personality. Have fun!”



“Well, you’re welcome!” Marx stops talking to me. I look around. This little field could make a nice little home. I mean, I’ve got plenty of wood around me, and there’s bound to be some food around here.



JofY: It’s a good thing she just got her Log Home Building badge before all of this.



But first, what did Marx turn me into? I looked down at my body. I was Slender Woman.



JofY: Um, excuse me fic, but I have a question. Why did Lisa get turned into a monster? No, seriously. Why, ‘Slender’? Is that just what humans become when they go into Equestria? Was it to fix some sort of cosmic balance? This is one of the few times where BS is allowed, so pull a reason out of your ass and tell us why she got changed into that form!



Huh, weird.



Scarlet: “Usually I’m a fifty-foot fire-breathing skeleton.”

SC276: You’re remarkably calm for suddenly finding yourself as creepypasta bait.

JofY: Well, it’s just a natural change of growing up.



I looked around again. Better start figuring out how I should make a house.

“And that’s how I met Marx, and how I got here.” The girls were in awe.

“That’s amazing!” Twilight said. “Well, except for the fire part, that’s not so amazing.”



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Everything around here spontaneously bursts into drug-related flames every day!”



“I agree darling.” Rarity said sadly.

“Well, what about after that?” Rainbow asked. “How’d you meet Applejack, and how’d you get this house?”

“That’s a tale for another time.” They girls all awed in sadness. “Hey cheer up. It’s a beautiful day! How about we go to Ponyvile for that party Pinkie planned for?”



Scarlet: My quota of Undertale gags being exhausted, I’m forced to ask how the natives of Ponyville are going to deal with the girls showing up with a pet monster from the Everfree when they had issues with a zebra before.

SC276: Perfect day for a picnic.



“Hey, how’d you know about that?”

“Ah’m guess, mind reading?”

“No way. I dare not tread into the mind of Pinkie.” We all laughed at that.



SC276: [Lisa] “Everyone else is game, though. I know all your darkest fears. Yes, even you. And yes, you have them.”



I then, with the girl’s help, washed the dishes and we all left for Ponyvile.



Scarlet: The pet name of Ponyville’s dumpster!



Author's Note:

Hey everyone! Prince_Zodiac Here! So here lies another chapter and, as promised, it tells a bit of Lisa's past. The rest will be told over the segment of a few chapters. When will they be?



Scarlet: Hopefully in future parts of this riff!



You'll just have to wait and see. I also want to thank Acrosthedrake once again for editing this chapter.



Scarlet: Acrosthedrake’s bold editing style eschews linear time and considers consistent verb tense to be a vicious enemy deserving of nothing but swift extermination!



And now, the question has been answered. Lisa's mysterious friend is Marx! Surprisingly the only one to guess was a user by the name of FireLightning. He guessed through a personal message.



JofY: Okay, so as someone who hasn’t read the first chap and a half, was there any foreshadowing of that whatsoever?



Anyways now you all know! Thanks for reading!



Scarlet: Oh god. Marx is part of Displaced inter-fic continuity isn’t he. This multi-parter may need a sequel.

SC276: For a guy that wears a jester hat and got killed by Kirby twice, he’s certainly gotten far in life.



Chapter Five: Two Slenders



SC276: Oh my fucking god.

CaptainPipsqueak: ...walk into a bar...



I was walking along the outskirts of the Everfree forest, pacing back and forth as the intangible pull it had on me grew in intensity. It had been a few months since Pinkie and I had started dating,



Scarlet: And from nothing to Pinkie’s dating Slenderlady- wait, is this Lisa? Who is this? Where am I? What’s going on? Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

SC276: Where am I? What’s going on? Who are you people?! Not me, yes you, couldn’t be, then who?!

JofY: (Floating upside down) Help! We’re lost in the story! Someone! Help us!



and things were going great. Yet... the longer I stayed, the more this forest attracted my attention.



JofY: Then leave.



I was also hearing the voices that tortured me back when I was transformed.



SC276: So wait, you’re not transformed anymore? You’re not making a lick of sense, which is impressive for all the wrong reasons.



They whispered at first, so faint I couldn’t even make out what they were saying, but as time went on, they grew louder and louder, until every time they spoke I would get a splitting migraine.



Scarlet: Our riffs are also beginning to cross the dimensional divide, I see.

SC276: Riff louder! Maybe if she dies, the fic will end quicker!



They demanded that I kill innocent ponies, ponies that I KNEW wouldn’t ever hurt the good… I have been steadfast in my resistance… but I don’t know how much longer I could last…



Scarlet: “I hadn’t asked for help from any of the various magical entities I’m in regular contact with or licensed medical professionals because-” *does the worm*



I looked to my watch (a gift from Pinkie that she even resized to my wrist) and gasped, it was almost time for our date today! I slenderwalked



Scarlet: …?



to the restaurant where we had agreed to meet: a modest pizza place with really good fried zucchini. I saw Pinkie come skipping down the road and I could not resist smiling, but was careful not to show my teeth.



Scarlet: Which… Slenderman… has, apparently? Who are you and what are you doing here?

SC276: What are you and who are you doing?!



She sat down in a booth and I sat next to Pinkie and smiled, happy to be out on a date with her.



SC276: Do not press me, fic, I will start making HuniePop jokes.

JofY: So, if you are in a booth, and Pinkie is sitting next to you… Who’s sitting across?



We've been spending increasing amounts of time together and I had even gotten a job as security at the bakery,



Scarlet: “I work the night shift and spend most of it fighting deadly animatronic spooky ghosts.”

SC276: They look like the mane 6, because they’re the canon personalities that had to be murdered to make this fic possible.



mostly dealing with kids trying to steal candy and helping keep the place safe to bake in, keeping burglars and recipe thieves out, really helps that I don't need sleep.



JofY: [Lisa] “I… don’t… need any… What was I talking about?”

SC276: Except, y’know, after fighting a freakin’ Rake.



I looked to Pinkie, the twinkle in her eyes mesmerizing me



Scarlet: You are getting very sleepy. In a few moments you will wake up and realize this entire story concept was a bad idea!



"So... um... Pinkie..."

Pinkie smiled and kissed me on the cheek "Yeah Jerry-Cherry?"



Scarlet: So you aren’t Lisa. Jesus, the one time a “____ POV” would be useful.

SC276: Does anyone mind if I fling them across the room into a spike bed?



I smiled, once again happy I learned to hide my teeth as I nervously fidgeted with my tie "What was the reason you said yes to going out with me?"

Pinkie smiled "Well, I like how nice you are, and you are really cute when you aren't wearing that mask, and-"



Scarlet: Pinkie’s really into Eldritch horrors from beyond the void. Her last attempt at a relationship was the Moon Presence, but it was just too clingy.

SC276: Cthulhu was also an old flame, but he was too attached to his old place when she had to move, so they had to break it off.



I looked to Pinkie doubtfully "You... like my natural look?"

Pinkie nodded "Yeah! It's super cool and strong! And besides," She whispered sensually into my ear "I like my stallions tall..."



Scarlet: [Pinkie] “So it’s a pity you’re a bipedal humanoid monstrosity…”



I blushed and kissed Pinkie on the cheek, right before the voices slammed into my skull full force

“THE FOREST! GO TO THE FOREST! KILL ALL WHO STAND IN YOUR WAY!”



Scarlet: Because this is how Slenderman works. No inscrutable motives, no secret designs that mortals really have no comprehension of, just “FEEL THE LUST FOR BLOOD”. I feel like I’m reading baby’s first attempt at a Hellsing fic.

SC276: That is terrible-ass timing.

JofY: [Pinkie] “...Did you really need to shout that in my ear?”



I slumped in pain as I clutched my head, Pinkie looking worriedly to me “Jerry! Are you okay!?”

I nodded “I… I think I need to go….” The urge to kill was growing, I didn’t want to hurt anypony, I had to get out of here!



Scarlet: Quick, Jerry! Run away and leave this fic behind forever!

SC276: Run away, Simba, and never return!



I quickly slenderwalked



Scarlet: Nope, still about as dumb as the first time I read it.

CaptainPipsqueak: Soon she’ll pick up speed and begin narrowrunning.



to a random location, finding myself in a clearing in the Everfree, about fifteen miles from Ponyville's border with the forest, I found a large scythe in it’s center, stuck in a dead tree, it was an odd scythe as it had not one, but four blades, each forming a ninety degree angle with the next, and seemed to be made entirely of a pitch black metal, with a red light reflecting off of it,



Scarlet: Um. You know. As is common to find in the Everfree.

JofY: It’s just a loot drop.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh great; a swastiscythe.



I looked to the ground and saw a giant Slenderman mark as well,



SC276: What the bleep does that even look like?

JofY: An X with a circle in it… Yes. Really.



along with runes in a language I did not recognize, these runes also running along the length of the blade…



Scarlet: What are you talking about, it’s just regular English reading “Whosoever pulls me from this tree shoulders the burden of Edgelord forever.”



I walked to the scythe and grabbed it, screaming in pain as the voices grew to unbearable levels as my suit changed, my tie becoming an ascot and my business suit becoming a duster, and my slendrils became harder, almost chitinous.



Scarlet: Henshin!

JofY: By god! He’s becoming a model example of how one can advance in this great economy!



I began speaking, or more accurately, the voices spoke through me… calling to what I could feel was another displaced. I could also feel my resistance to the voices commands weakening, my vision blurring as a rift opened in front of me, and out fell a female Slendy.



Scarlet: ...You know. As is normal in the Everfree.

JofY: Okay, place your bets. Place your bets. Our options are, date, kiss, or fuck. Place your bets.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’ll put ten dollars on ‘Kiss’ and thirty on ‘Fuck’.



Third POV



CaptainPipsqueak: Okay, seriously; I’m getting both motion-sickness and pulled muscles here.

SC276: Are you shitting me?! If you were willing to at any point write in the third-person, why didn’t you do so for the entire fic?!

JofY: Because that would be intelligent.



Lisa was walking with Twilight and the others back to Ponyville so that not only could she get introduced to the town but also so she could have her party. Fate however, had other plans for her.



CaptainPipsqueak: An even cooler party, with strippers, an open bar and all the weed she could smoke!



A portal to the void suddenly opened underneath her, and she fell in.



Scarlet: Abruptly and without adequately explained cause!



"SHIT!" Twilight and her friends looked at the portal as it closed.



JofY: [Friend 1] “...Should we do something?”

[Friend 2] “Nah. Too much work.”



"LISA!" Applejack dove at the portal just as it closed. She hit the ground in frustration.



SC276: So… wait, who said the actual curse word?



"Don't worry Applejack! She's just going to meet a new friend!"



Scarlet: [Pinkie] “And never coming back, but that’s mostly a reason to celebrate!”



"And how do ya gather that Pinkie?"



JofY: Wait, if there is a Pinkie here, and yet a Pinkie somewhere else… oh no.



"My Pinkie sense!" Pinkie then bounced away like nothing happened.



SC276: ...Why does she have a thing for…?



The others just watched the spot, where Lisa disappeared.



Scarlet: Then they got bored, realized this story was awkward enough already, and went home. The end.



Meanwhile, Lisa was falling through the void.

'Wonder who summoned me?' She didn’t have to wait long as another portal opened up and she fell through. When she fell out, she saw who summoned her. It was slenderman.



Scarlet: Yeah, I don’t know about you guys but I get summoned by Slenderman all the time. He’s so damn needy.



"Oh hello! Now who might you be?"



Scarlet: The speaker here is supposed to be Lisa, not that you can tell. So… um. Lisa, look up about a sentence and yeah that should be all the explanation you ever need.



[1st person POV, Jeremy]



Scarlet: Little late there to establish the POV, author!



I staggered a little, my eyesight still blurry as I looked to her, a black mist rising from my body.



SC276: ...Wait, does he have Grimm’s scythe? I mean, I’ve stopped caring for the most part, but still...



“I...I’m Jeremy…” I felt the voices recede in their killing mantra “Why aren’t the voices telling me to kill you?



JofY: [Male OC] “I mean, you’re the only one that I wanna kill. It’s so inconvenient!”



I don’t want to hurt anyone, tell me how to get these voices to shut up!”



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Have you tried just turning off comments?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Lisa] “Or getting incredibly drunk?”



I grabbed my head in pain with my left hand, my right still holding the scythe “Th-they won’t shut up! They tell me to kill good ponies! I DON’T WANT TO HURT INNOCENTS!”



CaptainPipsqueak: Well you should have thought about that before you became part of the story. This is all your fault.



“Oh, so the voices have already started for you now huh?” I nodded.



Scarlet: You know, it would actually be kind of hysterically awesome if Lisa just executes him for the sake of society. That or I just really want to play through Eileen’s quest line in Bloodborne instead of read this.

SC276: Of course the OC is going to near-effortlessly solve someone else’s problem.



“Yes, have they for you?” The Slender Woman nodded.

“Yeah, a long time ago. I eventually found a way to get them to stop.”

“How?”

“Self solitude.



JofY: Because being isolated doesn’t make one crazy.



I sealed myself in a cave for a hundred years, building up resistance to the voices and mastering my abilities.”



Scarlet: Wait you were alone in a cave with the voices in your head for a hundred years, and you skipped that bit in your explanation of how you came to Equestria? Shit, your parents are probably distant memories by now!

JofY: It’s a good thing that nobody came during those hundred years, because that’s the kind of situation that Slender likes to appear in! Do your research!

SC276: I’m sorely tempted to make an Undertale connection joke, but I love Undertale too much to do that to it.



“Self solitude? For a hundred years?”



CaptainPipsqueak: Self solitude? Is that anything like wet water?



“Yep although, I’m guessing you don’t have that kind of time do you?” I shook my head. “Thought so. Hmm, well there is one other way.”



Scarlet: [Lisa] “A way I didn’t use because argle blargle flargle.”



“What? Tell me! I’ll do anything.”

“I need you to get mad.”



SC276: Are you angry, Dr. Banner?



“WHAT?! WHY?!”

“So I can beat your inner Slendy into submission.”



Scarlet: So in order to have him avoid turning into a raging psychopath, we’re going to have him… turn into a raging psychopath! Yeah this seems legit.



I sighed before focusing on my memories from before I became slendy, the things I had lost, the people and loved ones I would never see again. My mouth appeared, and so did my dark Slendrils.



SC276: I refuse to accept that as a name.

JofY: This is starting to sound like a cheesy porno!



Now, I could only watch as my body moved on it’s own.



Scarlet: “I had abruptly shifted to a third-person point of view.”

SC276: Also, why is this not from Lisa’s perspective?



My body charged and threw a punch. The new slendy just dodged the punch by moving her head to the left before leaping to the right to avoid my scythe/spear, I think I’ll call it a meta scythe



Scarlet: Oh no, you do not get to pull the meta card! That is my job!

SC276: And I get it after him!

JofY: I however, have to point out that a spear has only one tip to it. I’d understand calling it a quadrant or something, but it’s not a spear.



“By the way-” my body threw another punch, which she dodged by moving her head to the right, “my name’s Lisa.” My body roared in anger and started to use my Slendrils to attack.



SC276: That wasn’t your first move?



She just dodged the attacks effortlessly. Her movement was lightning fast. I couldn’t even see her move as she dodged. My body swung my scythe again, and one of her Slendrils caught it.



Scarlet: I see that the anime is strong with this one.



“Planning to attack me with your little farmer’s toy? HA, cute.”



Scarlet: Ha ha ha. HIT HER WITH A TRACTOR!



My body just got angrier as it slammed my scythe on the ground. Upon doing so, black cracks formed in the ground, and spread out to the forest. I could suddenly feel the connections of three different beings, and they rushed to help my crazed body. When they came out of the bushes, I saw that they were timberwolves.



Scarlet: Because that’s a thing you can do now. Which is like the mantra of this entire fic, really.

SC276: Summon Lesser Elemental.



My body barked an order through the new connection, which worked like a hive mind. The wolves then leaped at Lisa, and I thought she was about to eat it



Scarlet: Mmm, delicious timberwolf! They’re high in fiber. *munches*



but she just backflipped into the air. Using her tendrils of darkness, she shot them out at the ground, allowing her to not only impale the three timberwolves, but also to balance herself in mid air.



JofY: *Holds up a card with a giant 3 on it.*



She positioned herself so she was looking at the ground, but she also looked like she was standing on air.



Scarlet: Oh no! She’s gone full DBZ!

SC276: I don’t think impaling the creature made out of branches is going to do much...



“Aw, trying to attack me with your little wolf proxies. That’s so adorable!”



Scarlet: ~Go ahead and try and hit me if you’re able/Can’t you see that my relationship is stable?~



My body roared as giant arms made of slendril material grew from the ground, swiping at Lisa and grabbing her by the limbs as I began to change further, my bodies rage growing further as I fought for control, while my body was fighting Lisa I was wrestling with my inner Slendy in my mindscape I began to overpower him as I screamed in rage “I WILL NOT LOSE MY BODY TO YOU!”



Scarlet: “I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!”

SC276: This just makes me ask: why did Marx think putting human souls in the bodies of creepypasta monsters was ever a good idea?

JofY: Why did we think reading this would be a good idea?



Lisa started to notice her opponent was slowing down.

“Hey, if you’re fighting your inner Slendy right now you need to stop! It’s not beaten into submission yet! Besides, I’m having fun!”



Scarlet: Yeah! ~She’s having a good time, she don’t want to stop at all~



I stopped. She was having fun?



CaptainPipsqueak: Well, at least somebody is.

SC276: Lord knows we aren’t.



I watched as my body brought her to the ground, but she slenderwalked just before she hit the ground. My body stopped, confused.



Scarlet: “It occurred to me that I have no idea what Slenderwalking is.”

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s like normal walking but you think thin thoughts. It’s great for dieters.



“Boo.” Suddenly, one of Lisa’s Slendrils burst through my stomach. My body’s head slowly turned to look at her. Even though she had no facial features, I could swear I saw a creepy smile on her. “Had enough yet? I mean, look at you. You tried your hardest but I beat you senseless without even trying.



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Also I caused massive internal damage and you’re probably going to die any minute now.”

SC276: That would be a mercy.



Now, this is just your body Slendy. I hate to see what the person that’s in control could do to your mind if you kept at this.



JofY: In fact, if they took over your mind instead of taking over your body, they might… be able to take over your body.



And if you’re not afraid of that, then think of what I could do should he let me in.” I could feel my inner Slendy retreat into my head, and give me control. Lisa pulled out her Slendril, and I fell to my knees, gasping for air.



Scarlet: “And bleeding profusely from the massive wound in my stomach but that was beside the point.”

SC276: Is this scene going to freakin’ end soon? I’m bored already.



I looked to her as the voices became silenced and my wound sealed itself “I can’t thank you enough…” I then stood up and looked to my claw scythe, wondering who left it there… I then looked to it quizzically, wondering how the hell I was supposed to waltz into town with this bloody death dealer in tow, but right as I began to wonder that, it disappeared! It was as if it was a keyblade from kingdom hearts!



JofY: No. No. No. No. Fuck you. No. No. No.

Scarlet: The true power of the Displaced- wielding the abilities of narrative convenience!



I then willed it back, and it just reappeared out of thin air!

“No problem. I had fun kicking your inner Slendy’s ass anyways.”She then noticed me making my claw scythe appear and disappear at will “Huh, interesting weapon.”



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Especially given it has like jack shit to do with Slenderman. Of course, I probably shouldn’t bring that up given, um, yeah.”



I looked to Lisa “Umm… mind if I go with you? I’d like to learn how to use my slendy powers better…”



SC276: No, you just ran out on your freakin’ girlfriend, buddy. You are not-



I looked towards ponyville regretfully “I don’t think I should go back yet… I almost hurt Pinkie…”



SC276: ...OK, maybe that’s a thing- OK I’ve stopped caring.



Lisa nodded. “Yeah that’s fine. Your inner Slendy should stop bothering you from now on. If it does, hold this up.” Lisa held out her hand. In it, was a black marble, with a circle that was crossed out on it.



SC276: See, it’s funny because Marble Hornets started the whole thing-

JofY: [Male OC] “So, do I need to hold this up and shout something like ‘By the power of Greyskull?’”



I took it, and held it up to my face. Upon doing so, a message played.



Scarlet: “The person you’d like to call right now has a voicemail that is not set up yet. Goodbye!”



Hi! My name’s Lisa, and I’m the Slenderwoman! If you ever need someone to help take out your enemies, or just a cool girl to hang out with, just throw the marble at the ground and I’ll arrive shortly.



JofY: “If you want some help moving a couch, swallow the marble. If you need customer service, wash the marble. If you want these instructions in a different language, press 1.



I smiled “If you ever need my help, take this and call my name: Jeremy Farkness.”



Scarlet: “And yes, I did force my parents to apologize.”

JofY: Honestly, after our previous riff. Farkness is comparatively a good name.

SC276: If I want to hang out with a cool girl, I’ll call up Undyne.



I let the crimson material flow from my hands again, forming a crimson red medallion in the shape of the slenderman’s mark. I handed it to her and it’s message played:

“ Greetings, child, press my symbol into the ground, and I will come to thy aid, but beware, if wickedness lie in thy heart, I shall strike thee down…”



Scarlet: CAST IN THE NAME OF GOD, OH YE NOT GUILTY



“Ooo, went for a Luna style huh? Nice.” Lisa tossed the item behind her, and a portal opened and swallowed it up. I looked at her quizzically. “What? Oh, I have a friend that can control portals.



JofY: Don’t you?

CaptainPipsqueak: [GLaDOS]: “That’s not a toy, young lady!”



Whenever I get a token, I just toss it and a portal puts it into storage for me.”



Scarlet: [Lisa] “It’s like an RPG inventory!”

SC276: Took them a while to get it coordinated, though.



I nodded and waited for a bit, trying to think of what to say “Ummm…. you wanna go meet my world’s Pinkie? She’s really cute.”

“Sure, I could always go for meeting a new Pinkie.”



SC276: I mean, it’s not like she has her own Mane 6 to worry about given her Everfree is full of fucking Rakes.

CaptainPipsqueak: Rakes everywhere. Just listen for the shouts of “OW! GODDAMMIT!” It’s like a minefield but funnier.



We began to walk to Ponyville. As they did, I spoke up.



Scarlet: And I have no doubt that you said something completely inane that’ll be difficult to form a riff from.



“So how in Arawn’s name did you dodge me so fast?” Yeah, I worship Celtic gods, deal with it.



Scarlet: Of all the times for me to be unable to swear in Gaelic!



“Huh? Oh that. It’s a trick I developed called Slender Dodging.



JofY: Slenderwalking! Slender Dodging! Slender Doing the Laundry! All powerful Slender techniques.

CaptainPipsqueak: Clearly a master of Kung Slender.



Basically, I’m not actually moving that fast. I’m just slenderwalking a short distance.



SC276: If that’s your name for the freakin’ teleporting that guy does, this next round of attacks is heading for the author’s SOUL.

JofY: So essentially, it’s not slender dodging, it’s slender already using an ability that you already have.



Small enough so it’s instant. That, combined with me changing positions to look like I’m dodging, makes it seem to my opponents that I’m a lot faster than I really am.”



Scarlet: [Lisa] “I’m telling you this because I have absolutely no fear that your psychotic alter ego will ever use it against me!”



I nodded before I realised something and facepalmed “We could of just slenderwalked to the restaurant in front of sugarcube corner… God I’m dumb.”

“Eh don’t worry about it. I barely use my slenderwalking unless I have to. I prefer to actually walk everywhere. Gives me a good exercise.”



Scarlet: So slenderwalking is… teleporting. Okay then.

SC276: Yeah, that’s what I figured.

JofY: I figured it was more moving like you were on a roomba.



I nodded as we reached the restaurant, only to find that Pinkie was not there, I looked around to find Applejack running towards me. I waved to her only for her to run up and try to punch me. Lisa however, caught the punch.



Scarlet: It was cherry-flavored.

SC276: I prefer orange, myself.



“And why is Applejack attacking?”

I shrugged “Maybe she thinks I’m a tree?”



SC276: No, she comes at trees with the back hooves. You should know, you watched her grow up.



AppleJack whinnied in rage “I don’t think y’all are a tree! Y’all are a two timing Varmint who went n’ made Pinkie cry just so y’all could get with this whore!” Lisa took offence to that.



Scarlet: Okay, it’s not that uncommon to just hang out with opposite-gender friends. I… for fuck’s sake, for all you know this is his sister!



“Okay one, I’m not a whore.



JofY: [Applejack] “Please, skin that pale!?”



That’s just rude. And two, had he not left he could have killed Pinkie.”

I looked away in shame as AJ looked blankly to me “Wha? Wh...why?”

I teared up, black liquid dripping from where my eyes were supposed to be “It was my inner Slenderman.



JofY: Because Applejack would know what that is and wouldn’t then confuse it for a euphemism for penis.



I… I ran away so I wouldn’t hurt her…” Lisa put an arm on my shoulder.



Scarlet: God this is starting to sound like a creepy abusive relationship. Jeremy couldn’t help it! It was his inner monster! Now look what you made him do...



“Yeah, had he not left, a lot of ponies would have died. He called me up so I could beat his inner Slendy into submission. Now it’s under control.”



JofY: [Male OC] “Tons of ponies would have died had I not stuck Pinkie with the bill!”



AJ looked to me in shame “I’m sorry I nearly decked ya.” Lisa giggled.



Scarlet: And you’re more accepting of that than you are of the possibility that the one being you’ve ever seen who looks like him might be his sister?



“Yeah, that looked like it would have hurt. Luckily his big sister Lisa was here to protect him.”



Scarlet: I never thought I’d say this but THANK YOU, LISA.

SC276: Why is the derivative the older sibling?

Scarlet: Because they’re both cosplayers and Lisa is clearly the more experienced one and it’s sad that this is probably the only dynamic in the story that makes any sense!



I paused a moment, thinking of how we basically were related, both by our new bodies AND by our fast growing friendship. I then smiled and nodded “Thanks, nee-chan,



Scarlet: You know, for all the times I make asinine references to anime and Japanese kid’s shows, even I have enough dignity to avoid shit like this.

SC276: Oh my god, you’ve known your mane 6 for longer than you’ve known this guy!



let’s go see Pinkie… hey, mind helping me practice something for Pinkie, Lisa?”

I leaned in and whispered into her ear “I want to go steady with her…”



Scarlet: You weren’t already?



“Aw,” she cooed, “my little baby brother wants to get intimate with his crushy-wushy!”



Scarlet: ...And he wants your help “practicing”. Um…

SC276: “Be my steady.”



I blushed and gently slugged her “Jerk, just tell me if this ring looks good….”



JofY: “I just want things to go nice and slo- LET'S GET MARRIED!”



I was about to take out the ring, but Lisa stopped me.

“Wait! Pinkie is looking our way so don’t pull out the ring! I don’t want her to think you’re proposing to me.”



Scarlet: A rom-com gag so overplayed that even Lisa’s savvy enough to sidestep it!



I stiffened up and looked around until I saw Pinkie, sitting at the steps to Sugarcube Corner, her hair flat and her eyes dripping with tears, I slenderwalked to her, “Pinkie, I’m so sorry! It’s not what you think!”



JofY: “I never ordered the third dolphin!”



Lisa walked to us. “Yeah, I’m not dating him. He had to leave to protect you.”



Scarlet: Why does nobody assume she’s his sister?

SC276: Would you want anyone to be related to freakin’ Slenderman?! Besides, pay attention to fiction; how often is the love interest of a character just an opposite-gender version of themselves?

Scarlet: Look, when I see two people who look just like each other, I generally do not assume that they don’t share genetics.



Pinkie sniffled cutely “R-really?”

Lisa nodded. “Yeah, if he hadn’t left, you might have gotten seriously hurt by his inner monster. But don’t worry, I beat it into submission. Now you two don’t have to worry about it!” Lisa gestured for me to kneel down.



Scarlet: [Lisa] “BEG FOR MERCY, INFERIOR ONE.”

SC276: * Spare

JofY: *Flirt

Fallen Prime: *Pick on



I nodded then kneeled and took out a ring box, unveiling a ruby ring with Onyx and Marble overlay,



SC276: SEE IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE MARBLE HORNETS-



bringing to mind my personage. “Pinkamena Diane Pie, for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve made me happy.



Scarlet: “All five minutes that we’ve been together.”



You were the first one to accept my true form, and you liked me for who I was. We’ve spent only a few months together, yet I already need to know the answer to the most important question in my life. Will you do me the honor of becoming Pinkamena Diane Farkness?”



Scarlet: “Actually on second thought, maybe I should borrow your surname instead.”

SC276: Talk about a fourth-date marriage...



Pinkie began to tear up all over again, this time from joy I hope



JofY: The one time she was going to try and tell him that she wanted to try and see how they’d do with with some distance from one another.



“Y-Yes! Yes I will marry you!” Lisa began to cry too, but she had actual tears.



JofY: Made from real alligators too.



“Oh my god my little bro is getting married!” Pinkie jumped into my arms and hugged me. I hugged her back, and Lisa just added to the group hug.



Scarlet: She misjudged her strength and accidentally snapped Jeremy’s neck. Happy end!



“I know I’m supposed to let you two have this moment, but I just can’t believe my little baby bro is getting married already!” We all separated and laughed. Lisa started to panic.



Scarlet: What, she just realized that she’s left Twilight and co. hanging this entire time?



“OOOOH! I have so much to do! I need to find you two a place to get married, then make invitations, then invite people, then get the ceremony ready, then get the after party ready, find someone to do the marriage, get gifts, plan a bachelorette party, get a location for your honeymoon.



Scarlet: ...The part of Lisa will be played by Pinkie, very briefly.

SC276: [Pinkie Pie] “Lisa, please, let the professionals handle this.”



I have so much to do in so little time!”



SC276: [Willy Wonka] “We have so much time and so little to do! Wait! Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.”



Lisa ran off, probably to Twilight’s house, and Pinkie and I just laughed at her antics. There was a bright future ahead. One, that involved Pinkie.



Scarlet: Admittedly the addition of Pinkie Pie does usually brighten anyone’s future.



It was then that I realised MY predicament, Pinkie looked to me happily as I smiled to her ‘Damn…. Lisa is doing all the work… I feel like an ass…’ I then brightened up “I know! I can hire entertainment for the wedding!” I looked to Pinkie and beamed “Who would you like to play for our wedding?”



Scarlet: Well, given we have like all of three common ascended-fanon musicians, shouldn’t be that hard to guess.



Pinkie thought a moment, rubbing her chin “Well… I do like DJ pon-3, but Twitch and Living Tombstone are great too… Grr! I am terrible at choices like this!”



Scarlet: Ah, nothing says wedding like heavy electronic/dubstep interpretations of my little pony music!

SC276: What about the guy that made Rainbow Factory? Is he still a thing?

JofY: “Let’s see… We can either do, a pony that does dubstep, a human that does step, or just watch teenagers play League…”



I nodded, it seems the brony communities ponysonas exist in this world, to an extent, maybe just the famous ones?



JofY: Well, just enough to be downright retarded. Squared.



I decided to ask a risky question “Well, how about we hire Ken Ashcorp? He has a voice like an angel.”



Scarlet: Um… uh… I’ve listened to enough Ken Ashcorp to know that hiring him for your wedding is probably not a great idea. Not unless you want to walk down the aisle to a sex jam about how he’s the “straightest shota”.

JofY: what.

Scarlet: Yeah that’s an appropriate response to this development.



Pinkie nodded excitedly “Yeah! I love his singing!”



Scarlet: I mean, bachelor party. Geek convention. Hell, battle of the bands. Wedding?



I set her down reluctantly, having enjoyed the feel of her against me, I then decided to check something I have been dreading for a VERY long time “Pinkie, I’ll be right back… I gotta..erm… check myself…”



Scarlet: ...Wait how long have you been here.

JofY: “You know, before I wreck myself.”



I slenderwalked to the Everfree and took down my pants while pulling up my duster, seeing that I did indeed still have a dick! “YES! WOOOHOOO”



Scarlet: I… it’s usually pretty obvious that it’s there!

SC276: You didn’t think to check before now?!



I then pulled up my pants and let my duster down and slenderwalked to Ken Ashcorp’s house, which was in Manehattan, next to Donut Joes place.



Scarlet: I… oh god, you’re actually writing him in aren’t you.

SC276: I’m looking this guy up before I go further… ...What even is this? The beat’s OK, but I can’t understand the lyrics at all. Speak up already!



I knocked on the door and waited, Kenny eventually answering the door with soda in hand, doing a spit take when he saw me.



SC276: I’m surprised he’s the first one.



He looked like his ponysona from the 20% cooler music video, but wore a dj’s outfit, an unzipped hoodie with headphones hanging off the neck over a black T-shirt and jeans with holes at the knees.



Scarlet: Because just using that anthro panda character who stands in for him in all his album art and stuff would just be too easy.

JofY: Well, that would have been pandering.



I smiled warmly, careful again not to show my teeth “Hi, I was wondering if you would be interested in singing at my wedding? I am prepared to pay in bits.”



Scarlet: [Ken] “This is my karmic punishment for writing that ‘more manslaughter than the Third Impact’ line from ‘Absolute Territory’ isn’t it.” *slams door*

SC276: So why are you getting this guy, and not… either of the two earlier-mentioned ones, one of which I’ve actually heard of before?



Author's Note:

Okay! Sorry for the long wait for the next chapter! I was having a little bit of writer's block til I saw Zinu's story and suggested a crossover.



SC276: If you couldn’t think of decent further narrative possibilities for Slendergirl in Equestria, why did you keep writing?!

JofY: Because, it’s his OC damn it! And he’s going to show how super special awesome she is whether you like it or not!



Anyways, the relationship between Lisa and Jeremy is like adoptive older sister, younger brother. Why did we have this? Because we can.



SC276: That’s also the reason you’re writing the story in the first place, isn’t it.



Anyways, I hope you like the story! Oh and the story I did a crossover with was Slender



JofY: Really!? I thought it was a crossover with My Little Pony!





Scarlet: Well! That was certainly… something. God, it’s going to suck jumping back onto the usual suspects because I think I had more fun reading this than I did any of our previous three riffs. This is the kind of bad that just makes me double over in laughter. It’s adorably terrible!

SC276: At least the sentences are freakin’ complete. Not that it helps much when the author’s just pulling rules from fucking nowhere. Also, has her original universe been completely abandoned? In which case, I propose we move there and help it heal. Maybe. Or just finish burning it to the ground, I honestly don’t care.

Scarlet: Also, Displaced people can just produce magical universe-hopping tokens. Well, that’s brilliant. On that note, for our next riff I may be forced to summon my counterpart from across the dimensional divide.

SC276: Beatrice?

Scarlet: Beatrice? You kidding me? Hell no, when I go counterpart, I appeal all the way to the top of the fictional ladder. I’m totally this group’s Lambda- I mean, on topic! Seriously the sudden veer into another fic, the ridiculous action sequence… I… actually I kind of really love this story mostly because it’s got this dopey, “I didn’t think too hard” sincerity. And the author’s not disgusting enough to have it veer straight into oh-god-why territory. Kudzu. I’m ever so glad we dealt with him and that there’s no chance of us returning to riff his stories ever again!

SC276: Uh… yeah, Scarlet, about that...

JofY: I think so far, the main point of contention for me, is that THIS HAS NOTHING TO ACTUALLY DO WITH THE SLENDERMAN MYTHOS, OR SLENDERMAN IN GENERAL! A bit of research can tell you that as far as what’s considered what people like about Slenderman shows that there is no way for one to ‘become him’ or that ‘it’s just voices in one’s head’ or anything. I raise the question, what purpose is there, in story for the name of Slender to be involved in this? It could have just been ‘Girl who wields awesome powers yet has some voices telling her to kill every now and again’. It’s not like the actual Slender or anything that actually relates to Slender is in this story. This is the type of trite that turns what can be a genre that can create terrifying monsters that reflect or play off of modern sins and vices, into yaoi fanfiction!

Scarlet: Hey, take that back. Yaoi fanfiction is the highest form of modern art. Anyway, next time, it’s time to see what we pulled out of the community bag! Until then, as Lisa would say, Ja ne sugoi kawaii nanodesu~ (oh god i just threw up in my mouth.)



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Why the hell are we on a Slenderman kick these last few weeks? Anyway, since Scarlet isn’t here at the moment, it falls on SC to give the recap. Take it away.

SC276: Last time on A Displaced Monster: Why Does This Character Exist: struggles with DemonComp- I mean inner demon, Marx got a really great wish from NOVA, leaving universes behind, actual Slenderman displaced showing up because apparently one wasn’t e-fucking-nough, and pony version of real life furry artist to give music for wedding. That’s about the size of it. I don’t know whether to be upset over ditching the entire first universe with no regrets, or be glad it doesn’t have to deal with this shit any longer.

RingmasterJ5: And speaking of the wedding, there’s something a bit special about this part: It’s a single chapter.

SC276: One chapter? Are you cutting us slack after the insulting stupidity that was last week?

RingmasterJ5: Do you really think I would do that? No, this one chapter is 11K words.

SC276: So, the author forgot how to chapter for a chapter?

RingmasterJ5: It’s some giant crossover with another fic that’s still a part of the same story, making everything so much more confusing. But this intro’s getting a bit long, so without further ado, part two of “A Displaced Monster” by Prince_Zodiac.



Chapter Six: The Wedding



CaptainPipsqueak: Quickly followed, I hope, by The Funeral.

ToonGuy: Every story could use a little more Hugh Grant, I admit.

JofY: Wait… If this chapter is already the wedding, and yet we’re still in the present… Oh no, time is going to have to spread them, isn’t it.



I staggered as I heard what Kenny had to say



JofY: [Kenny] “*muffled noises*”



“Y-you are refusing because I’m not a pony?!”

Ken Shook his head “Nah, dude, I am saying I’m not doing it because you look like something out of H.P. Lovehooves deepest nightmares,



Scarlet: So he looks like a congerous, jelly-like creature with numerous eyes and tentacles?

ToonGuy: He’s surprisingly coherent for something from the Cthulhu Mythos.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ken has a surprisingly powerful mind, too; doesn’t just looking at most of them drive you insane?



and the last time I sang at a wedding, the husband tried to slug me because the wife flung herself at me, I’m sorry, but you trying to slug me would probably end with me having a busted skull.



JofY: Hold on, you may need to catch your breath with how run-on that sentence was.

SC276: Bit presumptuous to assume Pinkie would be interested in you.

CaptainPipsqueak: Her standards are a lot higher than that.

ToonGuy: Ah yes, women and mares are lining up to be your girl, aren’t they?

Scarlet: I admit the funny thing here is that yeah, based on his work, this does sound a bit like Ken Ashcorp’s stage persona.



Good luck with getting someone though, I recommend you try Mic the Mic or The Piano stallions.”



SC276: Is that anything like the “Piano Man”?



He then closed his door in my face and I could hear him walking away, I paused a moment “The piano guys ponified!? DEAR GOD I GOTTA GET TO THEM!” I slenderwalked



JofY: Just a quick thing so that there isn’t any confusion, ‘slenderwalking’ is short distance teleportation.

SC276: One, we established that last part, and two, oh yeah, we’re focusing on the male one now because apparently crossover. Did the author just… copy the writing from the other guy?

CaptainPipsqueak: As if anyone could tell...



to where the Piano guys rehearsed, an old meadow off the side of Ponyville, surprisingly enough.



JofY: Even though he just learned that they existed in this universe, he knew how to find them because…

SC276: And he never saw them there before even though he’s marrying Pinkie because *sound of eight enemies getting killed in a row by a Koopa shell followed by the 1-up jingle*

CaptainPipsqueak: Gold coins! Everywhere!

ToonGuy: Wario’s a-gonna be rich!



I walked to them slowly with my hands raised in surrender as they were both unicorns and could blast me with magic, and I did not feel like using my aura



SC276: You’re Slenderman, they are literally no threat to you.

Scarlet: Aura? What is this, the lost chapters of Hunter x Hunter?

JofY: Clearly two musicians have enough magical prowess to take out a monster!



“I was wondering if you would like to play at my wedding?



CaptainPipsqueak: At the end, so we can make everyone leave.



"Um sorry dude. I'm sure that we'd love to play at your wedding, but we've already got one to play at."



CaptainPipsqueak: “Um...yeah. Over in another city. A long way from you...I mean here.”

JofY: [Male OC] “But I haven’t even told you the date that it’s on yet.”

[Piano] “Yeah… We’re busy that da- all days… Yeah…”



I looked to them in disappointment... before I decided to take one extra chance "Who is the gig for?" I begged to the Tuatha De Danaan that they would say it was for Pinkie...



JofY: Tuatha De… Why them? They’re, according to wiki, Irish deities.

SC276: If another hack could pull out the Greek fates, no immortal is safe.

Scarlet: Actually, he mentioned (offhand) in the previous part that this character is a neopagan. Soooo, technically, he’s right on.

CaptainPipsqueak: What have I told you about defending the author?



"It's for some pony named Pinkie and Slendy.



JofY: This is why you need to check who’s planning the party first.

ToonGuy: That’s bad party planning right there.



Some weird looking girl, she looked a lot like you actually, rushed up and asked. We were going to refuse, then she told us if we ever wanted to see the light of day again, we would play at their wedding."



JofY: Too bad the police don’t exist.

ToonGuy: MAN BUCK THE POLICE.

SC276: It probably would’ve been funnier if we were there. Y’know, with the character this fic is supposed to be about.



I cheered "I am Slendy! Woohoo!" I picked the pianist up and hugged him "I could freaking kiss you right now!"



CaptainPipsqueak: “With my tongue an’ everything!”



The pianist paled "Please don't..."



SC276: [pianist] “Not entirely sure you actually have a mouth.”

Scarlet: Wait a minute, that’s an actual joke. And it was kind of funny. The author is learning.

ToonGuy: I’m compelled to suggest that you don’t get used to it.



I set him down and began to dance with joy "YEAH!" I finished my little jig pointed to them happily "I'll pay you tomorrow!" I slenderwalked



Fallen Prime: Did anyone ever try to describe what that looked like?

JofY: ...I don’t know. Maybe if one were to look up.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’d be happy enough never knowing. Probably looks as stupid as it sounds.



to Pinkie, finding her in Golden Oaks Library with the rest of the mane six.



SC276: Luckily she was in the first place he looked, or else he would’ve been at it all night.

ToonGuy: But it’s his wedding! Usually you wait until after the ceremony to be at it all night…..sorry, bad pun, I’ll go in the corner. *sits down in corner, facing wall*



I swept her up in my arms and kissed her, unaware of the rift opening up behind me, depositing a small jack in the box, with a note attached to it 'Paradox in a box, WIND ME UP!'



SC276: Unless it’s the Paradox Brothers with a tag-team duel to get my mind off this stupid story, I don’t want it.

Scarlet: Please no. I don’t think this author is capable of that much rhyming.

JofY: And come on, let’s face it: he wouldn’t get the timing.

CaptainPipsqueak: You two just look ahead; the word-count, it’s climbing.



Twilight noticed the box and walked up to it before picking it up and began to inspect it, mumbling about 'conducting experiments.'



SC276: ~It’s too late / We’ve got to operate...~

ToonGuy: Sit down and relax, it’s a house of wax- Sorry, are we not doing the full song?

SC276: Given you missung the line, no.



Suddenly, Lisa burst into the library. "OKAY! So I got the wedding to be held in Canterlot, Celestia to do the marriage,



JofY: Because Celestia, being a ruler, has the day off.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “Raise and lower the moon and run the government? Fuck that; I’m gettin’ someone hitched!”



made the invitations, invited Pinkie's family and friends, got the honeymoon ready,



JofY: Uh… Those may be things they want to do themselves.

CaptainPipsqueak: About the only thing she hasn’t done is fuck everyone. And yes, I know I’ve doomed us all.

ToonGuy: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.



and everything else!" She slumped onto a nearby chair. "Ugh, I need a break."



ToonGuy: Certainly, arm or leg? Neck? I’m hearing neck.

SC276: You got all that done in the time it took the groom to interview two magicians? Would you have been able to do that if the narration was following you, Schrodinger's cat?

Scarlet: And now I’m imagining Displaced Schrodinger from Hellsing and yeah that has to already exist. And will no doubt be this fic’s follow-up.

CaptainPipsqueak: I feel like a Kit Kat. does anyone else feel like a Kit Kat?



I smiled warmly and walked to Lisa, giving her a spine cracking bear hug



ToonGuy: Hmm, a little less subtle than I’m used to, but at least Slendy’s going back to killing!



and tousling her hair "Man... I wish Jason was here. Even though he had problems, he's like a brother to me."



SC276: I don’t, because I don’t want to deal with any more freakin’ characters I have to remember.



Pinkie nodded excitedly "Yeah! I'd love to have him at the wedding! He's great at charades!" Lisa then stood up.



Scarlet: For her rights!

ToonGuy: We’re merely soldiers in petticoats, dauntless crusaders for women’s votes!

CaptainPipsqueak: She then collapsed, having stood too quickly.



"MARX!" A portal opened up above them. A skeleton stuck his head out.



JofY: It was holding a trombone.

RingmasterJ5: doot doot

SC276: “MARX! STOP PUNCTUATING MY LIFE WITH INCIDENTAL MUSIC!”



"Yes?"



"Can you grab Jason for me? Please?"



SC276: If this is actually the Jason I know from my childhood, I will be simultaneously impressed and terrified.

ToonGuy: Don’t get your hopes up.

JofY: JASON!



"Yeah sure." Marx snapped his fingers and a portal opened. From the portal came Jason. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to prepare a little sub dimension."



Scarlet: *prepares a small submarine sandwich*

ToonGuy: *prepares to buy a submarine* I mean it’s on the Internet so it has to be- oh damn it.



"Why?"



"Oh you know, reasons."



SC276: Because of the reason! *chuckles* Now that’s an old gag.

CaptainPipsqueak: *hefts baseball bat* It’s only funny when we do it, Marx.

ToonGuy: We don’t kindly to people stealing out bits, BUDDY. *holsters rocket launcher up* I still have no idea how I got this.



Marx then left, and the portal closed.



I slenderwalked to Jason and hugged him



CaptainPipsqueak: [Jason] “Bad touch! BAD TOUCH!”



"Hey! Long time no see buddy! Guess what? Me and Pinks are getting married!"



Jason had a man struggling in his palms.



JofY: For those who don’t get it, this guy wears a hockey mask.

SC276: ...Given the lack of any other description, yeah, thanks for the tip.

Scarlet: I don’t even know that I would’ve followed that otherwise. I am ashamed.

ToonGuy: If they drag Micheal Myers into this, I swear to god there will be….hell to pay, goddamn it. *facepalms*



He then snapped his victim's neck to the point where the victim could literally see behind his back turned to the voice.



JofY: [Victim] “Oh! That’s where the itch was!”

ToonGuy: He ever leaves the slasher business, he’d have a great job as a masseuse.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes, they’d be dying to be under his hands.



He pulled out a sign that read



JofY: “It’s amazing how fast I wrote this!”



WTF?! CARE TO REPEAT THAT?



RingmasterJ5: For formatting reasons, this character’s lines are presented as normal text. In the actual fic, though, they were bold, which became annoying as fuck to read because this character talks a LOT. Also, I don’t really know too much about those movies… but I’m guessing he doesn’t usually talk in signs as if he was fucking Wile E. Coyote.

SC276: Or the Poopsmith.

JofY: “I’M SORRY MY HANDWRITING IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS. THE CAPS LOCK FOR MY HANDS IS STUCK.”

CaptainPipsqueak: I HAVE A STUCK CAPSLOCK AND I MUST SCREAM. REALLY. I HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

ToonGuy: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS FOGHORN OUT OF MY THROAT?



I smiled "I'm getting married to Pinkie pie! I'm going to spend the rest of my days with her!"



SC276: You need marriage for that?

CaptainPipsqueak: Ten bucks says one of them tries to kill the other within a fortnight.

Scarlet: Sucker’s bet, Pinkie would get bored and bounce off before that ever happened.

ToonGuy: That or he’d be bouncing off the walls….fifty fifty.



Jason shook his head at the wrongness of the last part of that statement and pulled out another sign.



JofY: ...Th-The story just admitted how wrong everything is!

Scarlet: Don’t panic. It’s trying to lull us into a false sense of security. Classic badfic tactics.

ToonGuy: WE’RE ONTO YOU STORY…..also, Jason is Wile E Coyote….I’m just saying.

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if there are cliffs to fall off of and/or he builds crazy inventions that backfire.



OKAY. THAT'S GREAT AND ALL BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME EXACTLY?!



JofY: “ALSO, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

CaptainPipsqueak: “AND WHERE ARE MY PANTS? I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER HAVING PANTS THIRTY SECONDS AGO. “



WHY CALL ME HERE? UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE YOU WANT DEAD.



Scarlet: Well I don’t know that I’d want him dead, but there’s this guy called KudzuHaiku…

ToonGuy: If you just scare the shit out of him, we’ll….does he accept currency?

CaptainPipsqueak: I’d suggest he kill all the authors who write pedo stories, but that would thin things out quite a bit.



I smiled and patted him on the back "I want you to be the best man!"



SC276: Yeah, that… Jason Voorhees in one of the most populated cities in Equestria… That won’t end badly.

CaptainPipsqueak: Badly, hilariously… Does anyone have access to a laugh track?

Scarlet: Twilight vs. Jason- a new EqG movie premiering this fall!

ToonGuy: Critics are already saying that it’s a KILLER movie! Eh? Eh? *someone pelts him with tomatoes* Walked into that one.



Pinkie nodded "Me too! You were a super great friend when we met last, and Jerry-Cherry here thinks of you like a brother!"



Scarlet: What, is he a lost child from the family in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something?



I blushed and nudged Pinkie "TMI, Pinkie, TMI."



JofY: ...How is that TMI?

SC276: Well let’s start with the fact that this Pinkie knows a mass murderer...

Scarlet: Hey, let’s be fair. It’s Pinkie Pie. She knows everyone.



Jason stood stock still and thought on it, for years he hated and fought his own brother,



Scarlet: I must’ve missed that part but I’m sure it’ll all be explained in Friday the 13th Part VIII: The Displacement.



and wasn't exactly keen on the idea of having another but on the other hand he didn't exactly want to hurt this guy's feelings plus he looked like he could stand to have someone looking out for him.



JofY: That was in another dimension that could only be accessed with a being that the one who summoned by a different being that was also in a separate dimension from either of the previous ones.

CaptainPipsqueak; Wait. You’re following this?

SC276: Also, said other guy is Slenderman.



Maybe just this once.

FINE I'LL BE YOUR "BEST MAN" AND YOUR "BROTHER" BUT ONLY ON THE CONDITION THAT I'M THE ELDEST.



ToonGuy: wut.



I smiled "I was 13 when I was displaced,



JofY: Title drop!

SC276: Roll credits! *ding*



given that I have no Idea how long I was trapped with the voices, I'll just say it was a few moments.



JofY: This sentence, has nothing to do with anything.

CaptainPipsqueak: But bless it’s heart for at least trying.



And sure, you can be my older bro!"



I JUST HOPE WE DON'T BECOME THE NEXT CAIN AND ABLE.



RingmasterJ5: A terrible item that always pops up in golden chests when I’m trying to find… literally anything better?

CaptainPipsqueak: And able to do what?



I shrugged "I doubt it, I'm not even Christian, I'm Celtic."



SC276: How does not being a certain religion shield you from anything like that?

Scarlet: I take it this man has never read the Cattle Raid of Cooley, where CuChulainn has to kill a friend who was like his brother by stabbing him in the ass with a spear.



I MEANT THAT I END UP BECOMING SICK OF YOU AND KILL YOU.



JofY: Honestly, he has valid reasons to be concerned.

SC276: I’m already sick of him.

CaptainPipsqueak: Kill ‘em all, J!

JofY: ...No.



I nodded "I know, just trying to lighten the mood!



JofY: Have you tried turning on a lamp?

CaptainPipsqueak: Or setting Jason on fire? He won’t feel it anyway.



Besides, I'm not even sure either of us CAN really die, unless we get flung into the sun or something."



SC276: Thanks for telling us your weak point. *calls ACME and orders a giant slingshot*

JofY: I’ve seen this type. It won’t work… Not because of Slenderman powers, but because the character is a Gary Stu!

ToonGuy: Or some hideous combination of the two.

Scarlet: It’s okay, this is a Displaced fic. By the time we finish riffing it the author will be bored and ready to move on to other projects.



I smiled and gestured for Jason to follow me "Lisa, I want to show Jason here what I found in the forest, mind keeping the girls entertained?"



Scarlet: [Lisa] “Ooh, a perfect chance to try out my stripteasing act!”



"Yeah sure. Now would be the perfect time for the bachelorette party!



JofY: ...Already? You just finished planning the damn thing!

SC276: Author, you have less of an idea how long a wedding takes to get together than I do.

CaptainPipsqueak: Weeks, minimum.



C'mon girls!" Lisa grabbed Pinkie's hand and dragged her along as the other girls followed, talking about what they would do for the party.



JofY: ...Hey guys… You forgot the corpse! Y-ya might wanna take care of that!

Scarlet: It’s okay, I put it in storage. *pats a cooler*

ToonGuy: Must be a regular occurence for them.

CatainPipsqueak: Just leave it in the Everfree. Nature will take care of the rest.



I slenderwalked Jason to the Royal Pony Sisters’ castle and smiled "You are going to love this!"



Scarlet: [Jerry] “I will totally fail you now!”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Jerry] “I’m going to take you to see Celestia and Luna. Feel free to kill them; they’re useless anyway. The whole ‘sun/moon’ thing is bullshit, we just made it up so they felt wanted.”



I willed my meta-scythe into existence and then paused a moment, letting it fall into my hand as I let it split into four separate hand scythes like from Darksiders 2 and grabbing the other two hand scythes with a pair of Slendrils that I morphed into hands "Pretty cool, eh?"



SC276: If you need to compare it to something from a video game to describe it, it’s automatically not cool. Also, where’d the other two go?

Scarlet: *suddenly holding two scythes* Huh.

ToonGuy: I call dibs on the one on the right!



Jason nodded in appreciation of the weapons his friend wielded



WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE?



I smiled "Found them in the woods a bit before I met Lisa.



JofY: B-b-but wasn’t that… the Kingdom Hearts…

Scarlet: Sssshhhh. Don’t question it. It just grows strong off your confusion.



I think it amplifies my powers, because now I can make slendril arms and shadow arms come out of the ground."



JofY: It unlocked the skill tree.

Scarlet: Bethesda’s early builds of Fallout 4 were so much more interesting than the final product.



I then laughed "I can also apparently make Timberwolf Proxies,



SC276: Wait, Proxies are an actual thing? Huh, I thought that rap battle video made those up.

Scarlet: There’s a rap battle video. What?



now all I need is to figure out how to slenderwalk through time."



UH-HUH. AND WHY EXACTLY WOULD YOU WANT TO TRAVEL THROUGH TIME?



SC276: That is a very good question.

ToonGuy: Jason is the only competent person….of course, I use competent loosely.

CaptainPipsqueak: So I can win the lottery and/or kill my grandfather.



I paused "Well, I want to prevent Cadence from being replaced by the bug bitch,



JofY: Well, personally-

Scarlet: JofY, no! You’re going to cause us to fall into infighting as we debate that!

ToonGuy: This fanfiction is trying to turn us against each other….at least even more so than usual!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Jerry] “Also, I find Chrysalis mega hot.”



and I'd LOVE to make a slendified copy of the tree of Harmony.



JofY: Because that isn’t something evil people do.

SC276: Um, how would that even freakin’ work? The Tree of Harmony draws the power of friendship from across Equestria by the roots, if I remember right.

Scarlet: Well, this would draw the power of Teenage Wangst and Edginess from the internet!

SC276: Well, can’t deny that’d be an infinite source..

ToonGuy: Could solve all energy crises forever!.



I mean really, a tree that powerful bound to my power?



JofY: Screw plaques that hold objects of power, trees that hold objects of power is where it’s at.

Captainpipsqueak: Branching out, I see. Hope he’s not barking up the wrong tree...



I'd have my own admirals to fight alongside me! I'd make a Masky, Hoody, Ben drowned, etc. except without the evilness."



JofY: Well, there’s noooo way that could backfire.

SC276: Wasn’t Ben just a kid? That was drowned? What could he do, honestly?

Scarlet: According to that first creepypasta, infect the internet since reading about him and watching the videos makes us vectors for him. So basically: be a meme!



NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! PREVENTING THE WHOLE KIDNAPPING OF CADENCE WOULD BE WRONG AND CAUSE A WHOLE LOT OF DAMAGE TO THE TIMESTREAM OF YOUR UNIVERSE.



Scarlet: “DO NOT QUESTION HOW I, A SERIAL MURDERER, AM AWARE OF THIS.”

JofY: Maybe he just gets bored during the winter days and needs something to do.

ToonGuy: Jason teaches science on the days he’s not slashing.



SAME THING FOR THE TREE OF HARMONY! DO YOU WANT TO DESTROY PINKIE AND EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND CARE ABOUT? BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!



CaptainPipsqueak: Owowow...Inside sign, buddy; inside sign.

SC276: Gheeze, buddy, I’m wearing headphones here!



I shook my head quickly "While you got me on the Cadence wedding, I meant I want to know the origins of the tree of harmony, then get a SECOND origin point, be it a seed, a crystal, or even a magical artifact, if someone can make one of something, they can sure as hell make another."



SC276: Are you including nature as “someone?”

JofY: Clearly legendary mystic artifacts can be made multiple times.

Scarlet: Yeah, I’ve got a forge churnin’ a few out every thirty seconds or so. *dinging noise* Ooh, another Excalibur!



I then looked in the tree's direction



SC276: Wait, that’s still standing? Also, that means you’re looking at the ground.



"I want to be capable of doing Pinkie's job for her...



JofY: Baking.

CaptainPipsqueak: “Defying the laws of physics. Wait, I do that already.”



I don't want her in the constant danger like she was in the show..."



SC276: Um, you’ve seen how she usually comes out of that danger, right? Y’know, winning because friendship?

Scarlet: Sssh. Obviously Pinkie Pie is a delicate, feminine flower in constant need of protec… protec-pftahahahahahahaha! *falls over laughing*

ToonGuy: No, now stop, obviously she needs to be protected, you know, from all the nasty things out the- hehehehehehehehe *continues sniggering to self for the next two minutes*

JofY: Oh, come on. What happens if she faces an impossible foe? Someone who isn’t swell.

CaptainPipqueak: I’m pretty sure the one time she was ever in any sort of danger was the episode about the dragon. Because it was a dragon.



JEREMY, LISTEN TO ME.



JofY: [Male OC] “But you never say anything.”

[Sign] “FUCK YOU.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Sign] “THEN READ ME EXTREMELY INTENTLY. AND STOP BEING SO ANAL.”



DO NOT MESS WITH THE TREE OF HARMONY IN ANYWAY. THAT INCLUDES CREATING A SECOND ONE BASED ON YOUR POWER. YOU DO, THEN BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.



JofY: Seriously, this type of plotline has been done a million times. BY THE VILLAINS!

Scarlet: Is this the origin story of Darth Slender or something?



AND AS FOR PINKIE, IF YOU DO THAT SHE WILL ONLY GROW TO HATE YOU. SHE NEEDS TO STAND UP ON HER OWN HOOVES.



Scarlet: “NOT THAT SHE HASN’T BEEN DOING THAT THIS WHOLE TIME ANYWAY. HONESTLY, SHE PROBABLY QUELLED A BUGBEAR UPRISING OR SOMETHING WHILE WE WERE TALKING.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “IF YOU LISTEN CLOSELY, YOU CAN HEAR THE LAUGHTER ON THE BREEZE.”



BESIDES DANGER IS A PART OF LIFE, TAKE THE DANGER AWAY AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL KILL HER OR TURN HER INTO STONE.



SC276: ...Bad guys, apparently!

CaptainPipsqueak: “OR KILL HER AND THEN TURN HER INTO STONE. OR TURN HER INTO STONE AND TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO HER. YOU HAVE OPTIONS.”



I sighed "Well, can you help me think of a way to protect Pinkie without sacrificing her autonomy?"



Scarlet: ...You literally just summoned deathscythes from nowhere. What do you think these things are for, anyway? *shakes one dramatically*



IT'S SIMPLE: BE THERE FOR HER. SUPPORT HER IN ANY WAY YOU CAN.



JofY: [Pinkie] “Honestly, I’d rather take the crutches.”

ToonGuy: Or the zimmer frame.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Pinkie] “Ooh! How about one of those electric scooters? I could give it a bitchin’ paint job and flame detailing so it looks faster!”



THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON YOU ARE MARRYING HER. WHAT YOU ARE SUGGESTING IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WANT.



SC276: Why are you getting relationship advice from anything resembling a murderer that died before puberty anyway?

JofY: One that kills whenever two people bone, by the way.

Scarlet: Who is still expressing a healthier perspective on relationships than this guy.

ToonGuy: He also does therapy sessions alongside his teaching career. I hear that Jerry Springer is actually thinking of letting him take over once he retires.



Just then, a loud roar was heard outside,



JofY: Oh no! A random encounter!

Scarlet: I choose you, Slenderpman!



I slenderwalked outside with Jason following in his lake mist



SC276: If he can Dimension Door too, why did you have to teleport him along the first time?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because Jason is lazy.



to find a massive gorilla-like creature with blue, red and purple dragon scales with gold trim instead of Fur, and a long tail ending in quills dripping with green liquid. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!



SC276: Yeah, that’s about what I’m thinking too.

JofY: “It’s hideous!”

Scarlet: Oh look, the stage boss!

ToonGuy: Tap X to Not Die!



IT'S THE SIZE OF A FREAKING MONSTER TRUCK!"



ToonGuy: That’s what she said!



it then turned to us and roared angrily before pounding on its chest "Ummm... shit... this is going to suck, isn't it?"



SC276: Says the guy with the powers of Slenderman.

Scarlet: Nah, he was making a metafictional comment on the nature of the following action sequence.



MAYBE FOR YOU IT WILL. BUT NOT FOR ME!



SC276: Aaaaand there’s a giant paragraph of battle scene, freakin’ great.

Scarlet: I made popcorn! *cheerfully munches*

CaptainPipsqueak: Fuck that, man. I got a kilo bag of Jelly Belly. Jelly Belly.



With that Jason charged straight toward the creature, I sighed and slenderwalked above it,



JofY: Sigh...

Scarlet: I like to imagine he does a little model turn and poses when he walks up there.

ToonGuy: Oddest frigging Catwalk I’ve ever gone to see.



landing on its back and stabbing it with two of my scythes, digging myself into its back and slashing at it repeatedly with the other two,



Scarlet: Damn it! I took my eyes off them for a second and poof, they’re gone! *grumbles*

JofY: It’s okay, we have spares.



the beast roared in rage and tried to swat me off, luckily he could not reach me, some of it's blood sprayed into my nonexistent face and I felt a surge of information into my mind, comprised solely of its weaknesses



JofY: Well, apparently, if you just run-on it you’ll be fine.

SC276: You could probably use that to get our weaknesses, but I think they’re pretty obvious at this point.

ToonGuy: *searches* WHERE’S THE BOOZE GONE?

SC276: Apparently wherever the rum went.



"HEY! JASON! Slash at the wrists and he'll lose his balance!"



SC276: From… gripping his slashed wrists in pain?

Scarlet: [Fuuka] “The enemy is weak to Strike damage!”



I then leapt off and summoned my scythes, hitting it between the scales at an upward angle, planting them firmly between the scales and twisting my weapon to remove some of them, which almost instantly began to grow back.



Scarlet: I’ll take “why are you not aiming for the wide-open jaw” for a thousand, Alex.

ToonGuy: I’ll go for ‘How is this even a proper fight at all, you’re Slenderman’ for two thousand.

JofY: I’ll do “What ever happened to the voices that were supposed to be in his head before” for three.

CaptainPipsqueak: And I’ll go with “Stupid shit on the Internet” for the win.



"Aim up! Hitting it between the scales is key!



JofY: You mean, if you get through it’s armor, you’ll reach something vulnerable!?

CaptainPipsqueak: [Monster] “~Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-~” *THUNK* ”AHH! MY KIDNEYS!”



The scales are tougher than dragonhide!" I slenderdodged a quill and watched it hit a tree, making it wither and die before melting into mush on the floor. "HOLY SHIT!"



JofY: Our blessed lord and savior.

SC276: And now it’s half-Wither or some shit.



I laughed as I dodged a few more quills "Maybe I should make this thing a proxy? That would kick ass!"



SC276: How about you wait until it’s not kicking your ass to talk about this stuff?!

Scarlet: I honestly don’t care because this is kind of the best part of the fic so far.



I then noticed a mark over its chest, a glowing red rune with smoke of the same color coming off of its surface "Wait... I think this thing is already bound to someone!



JofY: Dang, someone already called dibs.

Scarlet: Wait, only one manipulator at a time? Crap, this really is Hunter x Hunter rules!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, that was ‘bound’ to happen, wasn’t it?



Someone powerful, at that!" I smiled and slenderwalked to the left wrist and slashed at it, severing the tendons and making it fall to the left as I slenderwalked again to get out of the way.



Scarlet: Ah yes, the standard ‘damage the limbs to hurt the body’ boss set-up. Staple of RPGs, really.

CaptainPipsqueak: That and palette-swapped enemies.



"Jason! You got the other arm? I'll distract this ugly bastard!" I slenderwalked into the air and smacked it in the face before slenderwalking over to a tree, slicing off a branch and throwing it at him "Bet ya can't hit me ya little pansy!"



Scarlet: You sure you wanna make that bet? *cracks her knuckles*



DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FIGHT!!

I read the sign that Jason threw at my head. It came with a picture of an angry face. I realized I was taking charge, and thus being an asshat.



SC276: OK, this is less Wily E. Coyote and more the Yellow Devil from Bob and George.

JofY: No, Bob and George actually does something cool, interesting, and genuinely has its OC’s, which are fleshed out and have genuine arcs, interact with the Megaman universe. Also, yeah, one should never lead in a battle.

ToonGuy: Yeah, god forbid you should try and execute a strategy.



I dodged a quill and leapt off the now melting tree "Sorry, brother!



JofY: Trees are our friends!

Scarlet: A Displaced Ent: Now coming to fimfiction.

CaptainPipsqueak: The tree was later heard to say “I ent got time for this shit…”



Just trying to help!" I then ran at the things ankles and slashed at them, cutting the tendons there as well and making it roar in agony as the diamond hard scales were easily bypassed by my curved blades.



Scarlet: Thus making all this ‘weak point’ bullshit… *drum roll please*... entirely pointless. Thanks for playing, everybody!

CaptainPipsqueak: Do we have an ‘Overpowered OC Action’ chart? We should have one.



Jason pulled out his machete



JofY: Right next to the space he keeps his hammer in.

SC276: What did he have out before?

Scarlet: Nothing but his sharp wit, apparently.

ToonGuy: Or he could have battered them with his many signs.



and slashed three times at its chest, followed by four punches.



JofY: This caused him, to break his hand.

SC276: Who punches a dragon-thing?! I don’t care if you’re supernaturally strong, who punches a dragon-thing?!

ToonGuy: Chuck Norris? Or Iron Will, if we’re going for the Pony reference?

Scarlet: Honestly, I kind of respect him for that.



He followed it up by grabbing the beast's neck and quickly stabbing it three times then a fourth stab that Jason pushed in slowly and deliberately,



ToonGuy: As opposed to all those other stabs that he did by accident.



finishing it off with a back-breaker that snapped it's spine like a twig and a boot to the stomach that sent it flying.



SC276: Question: how big is this thing again?

Scarlet: Not entirely sure, but apparently Jason is a former WWE star. Who knew?



I smiled as the creature let out it's death groans as it collided with a mountain wall



JofY: Thank you forest mountain that didn’t exist before.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Mountain] “You’re welcome, young man. Keep fighting the good fight!”



and looked to Jason in shock as it began to shrink, becoming a small toy monkey with little cymbals.



SC276: This is just making me think of Tokyo Mew Mew now. And probably like a buncha other magical girl anime.

Scarlet: *unrolls a massive list* Well, funny you should mention that...



I picked it up and looked at it, seeing red stitching on it's chest that glowed with power. "I think we should take this with us, don't want someone who can't even fight the thing to find it and wake it up again or something..."



Scarlet: I foresee no potential problems with storing the cursed toy monkey of evil power in your home!

CaptainPipsqueak: Who knows? It might turn out to be a good housekeeper. Keep the carpets vacuumed and the dishes clean...



I then thought a moment before shaking my head "Nah, I shouldn't give it to Gilda... even though she deserves to be this things lunch."



JofY: How bout that fifth season? Right?

Scarlet: Pssh, what’s canon?



WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT GILDA?

I looked to him and simply said "No one freaking makes Flutters cry. NO ONE."



SC276: Can someone drag this meme out into the street and shoot it already?

Scarlet: Gladly! *hums and skips off to find a metafictional shotgun*

ToonGuy: *calls after* I think I saw one of those in the kitchen! …..Don’t ask.

CaptainPipsqueak: Let’s dismember it and shove it down the garburator instead. Then everyone gets a turn!

JofY: Yaaaaaaay!



Jason turned around and walked slowly up to his "brother" making sure he was standing in the shadow of his height.



Scarlet: So he would look cooler.

CaptainPipsqueak: By an order of one-fifth.



LISTEN YOU. I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH FANS LIKE YOU MAKING GILDA INTO A PARIAH SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE ROARED AT FLUTTERSHY.



JofY: Oh, god. It’s turning into an argument on the internet.

Scarlet: *literally dating an infamous gilda author*

ToonGuy: Any minute someone will come in and blast them because they weren’t politically correct enough to Griffons. And then the White Knights’ll come in and everyone gets banned.



ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GONNA HOLD THAT AGAINST HER AND FORGIVE TRIXIE WHO NEED I REMIND YOU ENSLAVED THE WHOLE TOWN OF PONYVILLE?



JofY: Under the po… No, fuck it. I’m not gonna fact check any of this.

SC276: Why is this here? Why you have the fanboy argument now? Also, it’s even stupider because one side is arguing through held signs.

Scarlet: *glances at The Quiet Equestrian* ...Why not have both?



I paused a moment "Well.... I guess I could forgive her if she apologized..." I sighed " Also, don't even bring up Trixie, that bitch just ignored Pinkie completely the first appearance...



JofY: [Male OC] “How dare she not worship Pinkie on first sight!”

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m surprised this guy didn’t have an orgasm of pure fury about the Cranky Doodle affair.



and THEN SHE FREAKING DELETED HER LIPS!"



Scarlet: I’m sorry, were you worried we hadn’t seen the episode yet?



I began letting lose a minor slendy aura, making the grass around me die before I calmed myself down "If she deletes Pinkies lips, I can't freaking kiss my wife!"



Scarlet: Aaah, another one for my collection of “surreal sentences which would be impossible without fandom!”

ToonGuy: That’s a mighty big collection right there.

CaptainPipsqueak: You’ll need a money bin at this point. You could swim around in all the fail, like Uncle Scrooge does with his riches.



FIRST OF ALL THIS COMING FROM A BEING WHO HAS NO FACE AT ALL. NEED I REMIND YOU THAT YOU CAN'T KISS HER WITHOUT THAT MASK.



JofY: What mask?

SC276: Probably some part part of the fic this is crossing over with, can we get back to the perky goth yet.

Scarlet: ...huh. Apparently the easiest way to get us to like Lisa was just to show us what could have been instead!

ToonGuy: It’s a interesting method.



SECONDLY DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT LIPS THE TWO OF YOU WILL STOP LOVING EACH OTHER? THIRD MUCH LIKE CADANCE'S WEDDING IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.



SC276: Why were they transported to a point in time before any part of the show at the time the fic started?

Scarlet: Because I have no explanation for any of this.

CaptainPisqueak: I’ve just stopped paying attention.



FOURTH IT WAS A JOKE! SHE WASN'T HARMED IN THE SLIGHTEST! AND FIFTH MY POINT STILL STANDS!



Scarlet: “LOUD NOISES!”

CaptainPipsqueak: CAPSLOCK! EVERYWHERE!

ToonGuy: Okay, Jason apparently has bottomless pockets. Either that, or he’s got a incredibly sore arse.



I sighed and nodded "You are right, you know, for Jason Voorhees, you are really wise..."



THIS MAY BE JASON VOORHEE'S BODY BUT THE MIND AND HEART IS STILL MINE. THOUGH HIS SPIRIT IS STILL HERE.



JofY: I live, inside this arm!

SC276: I killed a man, with this thumb!

Scarlet: “Big bro is dead. But he’s here, on my back, and in my heart! He lives on inside me! I’m not big bro! I’m me! I’m Jason the Killer!”



I nodded "I had the same problem, had to get my inner slendy beaten into submission by Lisa."



ToonGuy: Kinky!



I NEVER BEAT JASON INTO SUBMISSION, WE JUST CAME TO TERMS. LIKE A COMBINATION OF MARVEL'S VENOM AND CARNAGE.



SC276: References!

Scarlet: Didn’t those two actually combine once?



I laughed a moment "So you are like Krieg from Borderlands, but the murderous psychopath is on the inside?"



JofY: Dude, you’ve already made the comparison.

Scarlet: No, not enough references yet! Dump on more! Make it rain!



I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS OR WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.



Scarlet: ….okay that’s actually kind of funny. I’m not sure if it’s on purpose or not but that’s almost funny.

ToonGuy: If you squint.



"Just a video game I played."



SC276: At thirteen?

JofY: Why does that surprise you? Kids normaly start playing M rated games sooner than that.

ToonGuy: My brother was nine or ten when he started playing GTA….yeah, that was awkward.



I then looked towards Ponyville "Think we should head on back? Maybe Big Mac will join us and we can have a bachelor party."



JofY: You just started planning, and somehow finished planning the wedding, today! Hell, the invites haven’t even recieved replies!

SC276: GOTTA GO FAST

Scarlet: Meep meep! *zips away*



I then stopped a moment as a strange thought entered my head "I wonder... do normal ponies have strippers? If so... what the hell do they strip?"



JofY: Skin, muscle, bone… It’s really fucked up like that.

SC276: It never occurred to you to find out before now?

ToonGuy: And you’re marrying a party expert…..READ A BOOK.



BEATS ME. MAYBE REGULAR THINGS LIKE SOCKS, PANTIES, SADDLES, BRIDLES, SWIMWEAR, ETC. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL THEORIES.



Scarlet: Jason Voorhees and Slenderman discuss the mechanics of MLP erotica. This fanfic is the internet.

ToonGuy: Now all we need is a random cat to walk in so they can coo over it.



I sighed contentedly before dismissing my scythe and summoning it in its combined form and used it as a walking stick as I walked in Ponyville's direction "I think this could count as a good bachelor party, don't you?"



JofY: But you haven’t gotten drunk and gambled away all your money yet.



Jason shrugged.



IF YOU WANT TO.



SC276: Your idea of a bachelor party is… fighting a giant ape with the Hockey Mask Killer?

Scarlet: Hey, if nothing else you’ll probably be regretting it less than you would standard-issue bachelor parties.



I then realized something "Wait, don't married couples usually do... that... on their honeymoon? Holy shit I'm going to lose my virginity to PINKIE PIE!"



JofY: “Oh no! I wanted to lose it to someone else!”

SC276: WELL NOW.

Scarlet: The way his volume increases at the end there makes him sound kind of terrified that this is a possibility.

ToonGuy: On the plus side, I can safely say that it would be a...interesting way to lose it.

CaptainPipsqueak: It would probably involves balloon animals, a roman candle and a mouse named ‘Fred’.



WOAH, SLOW DOWN THERE.



JofY: [Sign] “YOU DO REALIZE THAT SEX MAKES ME GO ON A WILD RAMPAGE, RIGHT?”



WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE THOSE NECESSARY PARTS?



Scarlet: [Sign] “I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE USED THEM TO MAKE SOME ROBOT FRIENDS BY NOW!”

JofY: No, Scarlet, those were special parts.



I blushed "I kind of... checked?" I rubbed the back of my head awkwardly "Let's not go into detail on that..."



SC276: Yeah, he actually did. He checked in the last part.



THEY MAY BE THERE BUT DO THEY WORK? I DOUBT TARAKUDO INCLUDED THAT INTO HIS DEAL.



SC276: Who? I’m looking that up… The king of the oni from Jackie Chan Adventures? I’m guessing he’s displaced too, otherwise this is just throwing a bunch of universes at the wall and seeing what sticks.

Scarlet: Do you honestly think this author is trying for a stable mythos, or is it more likely they’re just throwing everything they ever thought was cool in a blender and hitting ‘puree’?

ToonGuy: Is there even a question of that?



I shook my head "No... I checked me WITHOUT my mask... I gots da nuts and screw." I coughed uncomfortably "Turns out all slendy is missing is a face and skin pigmentation...



JofY: Because Slenderman, is actually just a regular human without a face. What? Did you think he had a supernatural element to him? That he was, not of this world? Nope! Just a human.

Scarlet: The scariest monster of them all- man!

ToonGuy: *plays a few ominous chords on a mini-keyboard* Knew this would come in handy one day.



he's actually pretty set in genitalia..."



SC276: I still can’t believe he looked. Or didn’t feel them before. You think he would’ve had a sex drive if he’s a thirteen-year-old getting married.

Scarlet: those things have actual mass.

ToonGuy: Can we go home now? I think this tops the list of things I never wanted to know about.



IF I WERE YOU I WOULDN'T RISK IT, WHO KNOWS WHAT DOING THAT COULD DO TO HER.



Scarlet: [Sign] “I AM NOT GOING TO QUESTION YOUR DESIRE TO FUCK OR MARRY A SENTIENT PONY.”

ToonGuy: [SIGN] “NOR AM I GOING TO QUESTION HOW EXACTLY SEX BETWEEN YOU TWO WILL WORK.”

JofY: [Sign] “THINK OF THE CHILDREN. SERIOUSLY, EVEN IF SHE DOES GET PREGNANT, WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WILL LOOK LIKE?”



I then blushed "D-does that mean I have to talk to Tarakudo about editing my mask?" I then sighed "Fuck my life..."



JofY: No thank you, I’m good.

Scarlet: Not if you were the last Slenderman on earth.



WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO. ONLY IF YOU WANT TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU DON'T GIVE PINKIE IRREVERSIBLE POISONING, MADNESS, OR ANY NUMBER OF CONDITIONS THAT MAKE CANCER LOOK LIKE THE COMMON COLD.



Scarlet: All things commonly associated with Slenderman.

ToonGuy: Damn….STD’s must be tough in the demon world.

JofY: You bitch! You gave me Cthulhuitus!



AND THAT'S JUST WITH PINKIE, WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN TO POTENTIAL CHILDREN.



SC276: What’s the worst that could happen, they could exist?



"I know that... I just mean...



JofY: “Can’t I just have sex with a pony? What’s wrong with that!?”



talking to him or Sunset Shimmer about getting junk that works will be... awkward..."



JofY: Huh… That’s weird… I can’t seem to remember the previous sentence.

SC276: Oh don’t get Sunset involved in this, I actually like her!

Scarlet: *record scratching noise* Wait, Sunset’s in Equestria? When did that happen?

ToonGuy: *beat* MOTHERFU-



BEATS THE ALTERNATIVE.



JofY: Adoption?



FOR THIS TYPE OF SPECIFICATION YOU'LL NEED TO TALK TO TARAKUDO DIRECTLY BUT THEN AGAIN THE TWO ARE RARELY FAR FROM EACH OTHER.



Scarlet: I apologize, I appear to be missing large chunks of background information. What?

ToonGuy: WHAT SCARLET SAID. I can’t see how that idea could get anymore-



I nodded "I heard that Sunset is going to become Queen?



ToonGuy: -whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

JofY: This is odd, my mind keeps going blank!

SC276: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

JofY: *laughs* My mind is never on.



Does that mean they are getting married?"



SC276: ...are you fucking serious

Scarlet: It’s this author, don’t even question it.

ToonGuy: But….But….itdoesn’tmakesense.



POSSIBLY. BUT THEN AGAIN SHE COULD SIMPLY BE QUEEN IN NAME ONLY, AND LET IT REFERENCE THE FACT THAT SHE IS FEMALE AND A CO-RULER LIKE THE PONY SISTERS.



Scarlet: [Sign] “WHO ARE RULING PRINCESSES SO I AM NOT SURE WHAT SIGNIFICANCE MY STATEMENT HAS.”

JofY: Hey, otherworldly politics are very important.

CaptainPipsqeak: Especally when they’re horses.



I nodded and took out the card, preparing to summon Tarakudo and Sunset Shimmer



JofY: I’M NOT READING YOU! I’M NOT READING YOU! LA LA LA LA!

SC276: If they’re connected solely because of the whole demon!Sunset thing and she didn’t heel-face turn, I’m going to murderlize someone.

Scarlet: I’m going to take a moment to strategically position myself so that JofY is between me and you.

ToonGuy: Yeah, uh, take one for the team, eh JofY?



"Hey, you think they'd like to be invited to the wedding? You know them better than me."



JofY: And we don’t know them at all, but hey, why exposit? After all, it’s not like this stuff is covered in a completely different story with this character in the lead with a different author.

SC276: I thought Lisa already sent out all the invitations, we’re past the point of wondering whether or not people would like to come.



Jason shrugged.



MAYBE. THEY HAVE BEEN QUITE BUSY LAST TIME I CHECKED. PERHAPS THEY COULD USE A BREAK.



SC276: [sign] “I MEAN, ONE OF THEM IS STILL GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL, SO AS LONG AS YOU SCHEDULE IT FOR SUMMER BREAK, I THINK SHE’LL MAKE IT.”

Scarlet: The rest of this fic is just going to be gathering Displaced characters for a party, isn’t it.

ToonGuy: Well considering that this guy doesn’t know about bachelor parties, I’d be worried.



I nodded and put on my mask before holding out the card, turning into my anthro pony self



SC276: If you’re going to have a pony form of any sort, why is that not your default instead of fucking Slenderman?!

Scarlet: Because this fanfic was written by a high schooler?

JofY: Please Scarlet. That couldn’t have been the only type of high that wrote this.



before I began to speak."I summon Tarakudo! King of all Shadowkhan and Lord of all Oni!"



SC276: Oh for fuck’s sake, it is the same guy. I think I still had a sliver of hope that it was different.

Scarlet: No, no, no, he’s playing Yu-Gi-Oh now. Tarakudo’s the new secret rare synchro from the latest set!

SC276: Then I’m just gonna summon Toon Dark Magician Girl and attack the author directly. ...You freakin’ suck, author!

JofY: But don’t you want to activate Pot of Greed first? It’ll allow you to draw 2 cards from your deck!



I looked on as a rift opened in mid air and out walked Sunset Shimmer.



JofY: ...Darn, wrong number.



"Hello again, Slenderman, Jason. What can I do for you?"



JofY: DARN, wrong number!

ToonGuy: I don’t think it’s going to work.

JofY: *starts stabbing ToonGuy* Fine! It’s Sunset Shimmer! It’s fucking Sunset Shimmer! A fucking butchered form of her before her redemption! It’s not like it’s one of my favorite characters and has one of the best character growths I’ve ever seen! Why bother trying to get a personality right when we can just use a name that people know so they’ll react! That, or clearly they shouldn’t pull out a new OC! I mean, making an OC, that wouldn’t make sense for them to do! ARGAVADAVKA!!!... *stops stabbing* ...Sorry. I needed to hurt something, and you know how I can’t hurt the fic. Are you okay?

ToonGuy: Oh you know, just stab wounds. I’ve had worse. Just, give me a moment. Pain’s slow to kick in. *walks out of room* …….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!! *walks back in* Done.



I blushed and mumbled out "I want genitalia for my pony form…



SC276: Is this what it’s like to shop on Second Life?

Scarlet: Sunset Shimmer walked back through the portal and was never seen again.

ToonGuy: Smart girl.



a-and I was wondering if you and Tarakudo would like to be in attendance for Pinkie and MY wedding..."



"I'm sorry but could you repeat that?"



SC276: [Sunset] “You didn’t capitalize it enough.”



I blushed further "I want functioning genitalia...



JofY: “...Just because I don’t have a way to release it, didn’t mean my bladder didn’t fill up.”



I don't want to have to be celibate in my marriage to Pinkie..." I looked to the Monkey in my right hand



Scarlet: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?



"W-would this pay for it? It's a sealed form of a gorilla monster we fought earlier..." The only thing running through Jeremy’s head was 'FML FML FML FML FML FML!'



JofY: Actually, the acronym is FMV.

SC276: BML

Scarlet: FMA!



There was silence for a few moments that seemed to last an eternity Sunset burst into laughter.



Scarlet: An appropriate response. Followed, of course, by swift ostracization.

ToonGuy: I would say, or castration, but in this case that won’t be necessary.



After laughing at my expense for about ten minutes



Scarlet: Again, an appropriate response.



Sunset managed to compose herself. "So you are actually going to marry the Pink menace? Unbelievable. Unfortunately such detail is beyond my power at the moment. If you want it you will have to ask Tarakudo directly."



SC276: [Slenderman] “Well I freakin’ tried that and you showed up, what do you want me to do?”



I looked to her beseechingly "What do I have to do? I'll walk right up to him in a teenagers prom dress if need be!"



Scarlet: Oddly specific starting offer. Do you need to talk, Jerry? Trust me, I can help with this.

ToonGuy: No discrimination here….



"That won't be necessary I already have a court jester." said a voice that seemed to echo all around them.



SC276: OK that line was actually kinda funny.

Scarlet: jeez, three so far. That’s a new record.



A red Oni head suddenly materialized right above Sunset Shimmer's shoulder.



"So I hear someone wishes to ask a favor of me?"



SC276: “Wish? Did someone say wish?”



I nodded and bowed respectfully "I wish to have my mask modified so that I may mate with my soon to be bride, and I was wondering if you would like to attend the wedding?"



Much like Sunset, Tarakudo burst into laughter but unlike Sunset the laugh held no humor.



SC276: [Tarakudo] “Fuck you.”

[Slenderman] “Yes, that’s what I’m hoping she’ll do.”



"You may rise. What you ask for is possible but you do realize I will have to alter our original agreement, correct?"



SC276: “I have altered the deal. Pray I do not alter it further.”

ToonGuy: “Here is a unicycle! You will ride it wherever you go!”



I nodded "I understand this, I was wondering if maybe this sealed monster may be of use?



JofY: “Here, take this dangerous thing that doesn’t hold value to me.”

CaptainPipsqueak: “It’s dangerous to go alone!”



Mayhaps you could duplicate it and use it for war mounts? It is quite the powerful monster."



Scarlet: It’s got a challenge rating of at least three!



"Maybe but that won't even cover 2 percent of your debt.



JofY: Can I see the chart that places the value for this?



Sunset be a dear and take it from him, please." Tarakudo answered and Sunset obeyed.



Scarlet: Because if there’s one thing that’s a defining characteristic of Sunset Shimmer, it’s passive obedience.

ToonGuy: Not even after she turned good was that the case!

SC276: Bring the night! Bring the night, dammit!



I looked to Tarakudo cautiously "as long as I am not forced to hurt an innocent, I will pay any price, but be warned, if you tell me to harm an innocent I WILL refuse."



Scarlet: [Tarakudo] “And not have working junk.”

[Jerry] “...okay, maybe one innocent.”



There was moment of silence before Sunset, Tarakudo and Jason (with the help of his signs) all burst into laughter.



Scarlet: ...wow, they actually all think he’s ridiculous. It’s like the fic is slowly becoming self-aware.

SC276: Yeah, I’m not sure whether they’re laughing because he thought it or because that’s exactly it.

JofY: Who else is imagine ‘Jason’ has just a completely blank face and demeanor, but is just pulling out signs that say “HA” on them?



After they calmed down, Tarakudo grinned wickedly "My dear boy, innocence is only relative to one's perspective.



Scarlet: [Tarakudo] “For instance, one might argue that there is no evil in performing a genocide run in Undertale. I would argue that it blackens the soul irrevocably.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Tarakudo] “Though it is incredibly refreshing.”

SC276: Also, you’re in Slenderman’s body and going to marry Pinkie Pie.

ToonGuy: And you are talking about screwing her.



Besides you don't have a choice in the matter. The last time you did was before my beautiful Sunset left your world. Once she did, it was out of your hands, hooves, slendrils, whatever.



SC276: I’m just going to nod where all these references are happening like I know what’s going on.

ToonGuy: Keep nodding and maybe they’ll go away.



But don't worry I'm a considerate king and not completely heartless.



JofY: “I just don’t have any lungs.”



I will take your feelings into consideration every time I decide to use you."



Scarlet: [Tarakudo] “Now strip.”



I smiled trollishly "So you think Sunset Shimmer is beautiful?



JofY: Are you sarcasing when you’re talking about Not!Sunset?



I had a feeling, since you were going to make her queen, and I thank you for your consideration, my invitation still stands, if you are so inclined."



Scarlet: I’m going to just pray that this doesn’t lead into a rule 34 fic where Tarakudo explains the concept of droit de seigneur.

Captainpipsqueak: You’re cute. Don’t ever stop.



"I don't think she is. I know she is. But back to our deal. Originally, I had planned seven years of service to me and Sunset as payment for the mask and as an additional fee for your bad timing but for this...I think a lifetime's worth of service should do adequately. After all, a life for a life, as the saying goes."



Scarlet: And truly, how is life worth living without a penis?

SC276: [Slenderman] “But what if we have more than one kid?”

[Tarakudo] “Fun fact: ghosts exist.”



I nodded "So... we talking sea turtle lifetimes, fruit fly, human, pony, Dragon? cause I wanna be sure I can still live happily with my wife, maybe I work 6:00 AM to 7:00 PM?"



Scarlet: *laugh track plays*

ToonGuy: We’ll be right back with ‘That’s Our Slendy’ after these messages from our sponsors!

SC276: ~Get up every morning to the alarm clock’s warning / Take the eight-fifteen into the city...~



"Displaced lifetime.



JofY: The length of time before the author grows up.



As in you work for Tarakudo forever and your life and your loyalty belongs to him ." Sunset added. "But don't worry we're not going to have you move to our world to serve us.



JofY: We’ll move in with you!



Just for now on when we want you, you'll be transported to our world until the task is done, then sent back, no questions asked.



JofY: They are so going to massively troll him by ‘only needing’ him right before he’s about to climax.

ToonGuy: Ooooh, that sounds evil. I like it!



In other words we say 'jump', you say how high?"



SC276: I would think with the kinds of people that set up those kinds of arrangements, the response to asking “how high?” is “why aren’t you fucking jumping?”



I nodded, then smiled jokingly "Though I'll probably just slenderwalk how high you tell me to, as I'm a lazy bastard."



Scarlet: And teleporting is easier than jumping, apparently.



"Well then looks like we're in agreement. By the way, I should warn you refusal to work and giving less than your absolute best will not be tolerated.



SC276: [Slenderman] “What if I’m having an off day?”

[Tarakudo] “Again, fuck you.”



You do, and bad things will happen. As in worse than 'the Plagues of Egypt' bad." Tarakudo continued.



Scarlet: I think he just threatened to kill Jerry’s firstborn.

SC276: No, that’s what the last plague did. Topping that would require… I dunno, what happened to Heracles?

Scarlet: Went mad, killed himself on a funeral pyre after putting on a poisoned robe, also killed his family at one point?

SC276: Um, that last one. Apparently I never bothered keeping track after the twelve labors.

Scarlet: ...that’s WHY he does the twelve labors.

Crickets of Awkwardness: *chirp chirp*

JofY: Gah! Where did all these crickets come from!?

ToonGuy: *subtly trying to gather them back up* I really have no idea!



I nodded "Understood, as long as I do a good job, that doesn't happen."



"It also means your definition of good and innocence has no meaning unless I give them meaning."



I shrugged "I just mean that if you tell me to kill a baby in its crib, I'll want a reason why."



Scarlet: [Tarakudo] “Because I’m hungry and craving fresh baby. Now get carving!”



"Don't worry I doubt that will happen but if it does I'll be sure to give you one. Now hold still, this will hurt. A lot."



SC276: The entire fic’s been hurting so far and we’ve riffed Mykan in the last six months, what the fuck more can you do?



Tarakudo lifted Slendy into the air using his telekinesis and began to slowly and painfully cut his brand into not only his new servant's flesh but his very soul.



JofY: [Tara] “Damn it, mis-spelled. Hold on, got re-write.”

[Male OC] “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”



He then used shadowfire to cauterize the wounds.



Scarlet: [Sunset] “Couldn’t we just have him sign a legal contract like anypony else?”

[Tarakudo] “NONSENSE.”



I screamed as he branded me "HOLY CRAP CRACKERS!



JofY: ...Are you worshiping a false prophet?



THAT BLOODY HURT!"



SC276: [Tarakudo] “That’s what I said, you moron.”

ToonGuy: Well fairs fair, does Slenderman even have ears?



I then looked to my suit, which had a new marking on it, which was blood red, "Welp, I look even more badass than Cabadath now."



Scarlet: Actual blasphemy.

SC276: ...That looks like what this Slendy’s appearance should be at this point.



"There now. That brand marks you as one of my newest additions to my army. You'll need it if you don't want my Shadowkhan or Oni generals to end your existence.



JofY: Weren’t they already in some type of deal?



It also serves a link to your mind so Sunset, my generals or I can give you your orders."



Scarlet: Could’ve been worse. He could’ve asked for a gender swap instead. You have to go through the same thing for that, but Tarakudo makes you show up to three separate appointments with him just to make sure first.

SC276: I thought you were going to teleport him to your joint every time you had a job for him. Which reminds me of Sandra: Fairytale Detective.



I nodded uncomfortably "Good to know... My privacy is now dead."



SC276: If you listen to the grassroots, yeah.



"Cheer up. It's all in the name of love, right? Besides it's not like we'll be peeking when you and your waifu do the deed." Sunset added cheerfully



Scarlet: ha ha ha ha it’s funny because she said ‘waifu’ and this character is marrying pinkie pie but obviously she’s also his nerd crush ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

ToonGuy: *awkward silence* Well……….Sunset was specific, wasn’t she?



I nodded gruffly "Yeah, else I'll take off my mask and show you all the horror that is Slendy naked.



Scarlet: The horror. A slenderpenis.

SC276: So… wait, was he wearing the mask when he was going out on a date with Pinkie at the beginning of his appearance?



A rift then opened and a familiar wind up box appeared, this time winding itself up and a cartoony clown hand coming out, holding a note saying "GIVE ME BACK MY LURKER!- Raphael"



SC276: OK, there’s multiple Raphaels, help me out here.

Scarlet: Clearly this one is the Ninja Turtle.

SC276: With the jack-in-the-box paradox thing from before?

Scarlet: That one was the renaissance-era artist.



WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

I shrugged at Jason, myself unsure "Beats me. maybe some clown demon?"



Scarlet: Or that. Could be that too.



I HOPE NOT, I HATE CLOWNS.

I nodded "Me too, decked one in the groin when I was five."



Scarlet: A true hero.

ToonGuy: I would follow him to the ends of the earth. And then get my cataracts checked when I saw who it was.

JofY: You’d follow a guy who punched an innocent clown?

CaptainPipsqueak: No clown is innocent. They’re all planning something. PLANNING SOMETHING VILE.

ToonGuy: Hey, we’re assuming that I’m as blind as a bat and confused as all hell here. Only possible scenario.



The cartoonish hand then opened it's hand, as if it wanted something. The note then changed 'Give me the freaking monkey, NOW!-Raphael's friend' the box was beginning to shake as a terrifying level of power emanating from it and it stretched and groaned.



SC276: Now it’s reminding me of those Hand monsters from that big strong Barian guy from ZEXAL.

Scarlet: This year’s final Smash boss isn’t quite what I expected.



WELL WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH IT?

I shrugged "Maybe give it the monkey?" I looked to Tarakudo questioningly "Would that be ok?"



Scarlet: [Tarakudo] “Absolutely not! I’ve already named him snookums!”



"Meh, I don't care. But if he wants it then he can come here and get it himself." Tarakudo answered offhandedly.



The note changed "So be it. -Raphael's friend" The box ejected a giant clown that looked similar to a medieval jester, with a giant hammer and big, burly build. "Behold! I am The jack of chaos!



SC276: Then I’ll just get the Jack of Dust, the Jack of Skulls, the Jack of Plague, and the Jack of Scales then. You freakin’ expansion pack.

Scarlet: Don’t forget The Man Jack!

SC276: Or Samurai Jack.



Fear my power!"



Scarlet: [Sinistar] “I HUNGER.”



A tumbleweed blows in between the group



SC276: What’s a tumbleweed doing in the middle of the Everfree? I mean, even for the Everfree that’s fucking weird.

ToonGuy: It was waiting for it’s cue. “HI MOM, I’M IN A FANFICTION!!”

JofY: Cue disownment.



and the clown sighed, hitting Jason with his hammer and knocking him halfway to Ponyville, crashing through several hundred trees "Just give me the damn monkey, my boss is pissed and I just want to go home."



Scarlet: Overworked, underpaid, and relentlessly pursuing his monkey. Just like a real clown!

ToonGuy: Or like us.



A machete flew straight from where Jason was sent and sliced off one of it's arms. A second later Jason reappeared from out of his lake mist.



JofY: Man, that dude runs fast.



DUDE! THAT WAS WAY RUDE.



JofY: [Sign] “HOW DARE YOU APPEAR. SO RUDE.”



I DON'T CARE WHO YOU WORK FOR BUT WHATEVER THE REASON, AN EYE-FOR-AN-EYE.



Scarlet: Makes the whole world blind?

SC276: Is it ever explained at any point why Jason can’t talk?

JofY: I think it’s supposed to be something humorous since Jason (to someone who doesn’t watch the series) doesn’t talk…



The clown sighed "I knew this job was going to suck..." He grunted as he snapped his other arms fingers, making the severed arm reappear on his body, good as new "Now can you please give me the bloody monkey so I can go home? I just want to get back home and prove the Spades wrong."



Scarlet: Oh dear, he’s gone full Brit. He’s going to lash out with the power of superior-quality reality television!



AFTER THAT UNWARRANTED ATTACK? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A RUSTY SHOVEL, SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS WITH NO LUBE, AND FUCK YOURSELF WITH IT UNTIL YOU SPLIT IN HALF!



Scarlet: I’m saving this line for the next time we get “The Catch.”

JofY: Please don’t. You’ll be giving worth to this fic.

ToonGuy: You gotta admit though, that was a pretty badass line.

JofY: No. It was just vulgar. I mean, anyone can shove stuff up their ass. Hell, with how much this fic is pulling out of there, something needs to fill the void.



Jason who was quite obviously pissed off then proceeded to bludgeon the clown with the very sign that he just had him read.



SC276: I’ve seen a character that could attack people with her dialogue balloons. It was a webcomic, so it was a lot funnier.



The clown grabbed the sign and it began to smoke and smolder as a red energy coursed through his arms and into the sign



Scarlet: Noooo, sign! *chokes and sobs* He was so young…

ToonGuy: *pulls out keyboard and starts playing Amazing Grace...or tries to*

SC276: ...I dont’ think “Yankee Doodle” is quite what you’re going for.



"I am getting impatient, I'm sorry for attacking you, I just figured showing I wasn't some pansy was needed, and you seemed to be the most durable and likely to survive. Also," He pointed to Shimmer "I don't hit girls unless if my master demands I do it, or I am protecting myself."



Scarlet: Well at least you’re a pragmatic chauvinist. *rolls eyes*

SC276: You misunderstand, Zoe. I never attack a lady.



He then pointed to Tarakudo "And I don't think I'd survive pissing him off for long." He then noticed the brand on me, and groaned "Aaww man! I was supposed to convince you to work for Raphael! SHIT!"



SC276: That was your job and you didn’t check that first?!



FINE WHATEVER. TAKE THE MONKEY AND GO BEFORE I REALLY GET MAD!



Scarlet: YOU DON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M REALLY MAD!

SC276: Out of curiosity, has anyone spanked the monkey yet?

Scarlet: I’m kind of disappointed they missed an opportunity to shock the monkey during the fight scene.



Sunset looked to Tarakudo who nodded. "We'll give you your creature back for a price."



JofY: AN ENTIRE DOLLAR!



The clown sighed "What's the price? Raphael's pretty creative... "



Scarlet: Aaah, it was the artist the whole time!



"Pfft. Are you serious? Master Tarakudo doesn't negotiate with weaklings, servants and those who attack his allies.



JofY: He does bargain with them though.



He is a king and deserves respect! Raphael must come and negotiate with Master Tarakudo face to face." Sunset snarled.



Scarlet: Because if there’s one thing Sunset is known for, it’s submissively addressing authority figures by their self-appointed titles.



The clown looked very uncomfortable "Okay... I'll open a rift channel..." He took out a dagger and sliced it in mid-air, cutting through space itself,



SC276: The last time I saw a knife like that, it was being wielded by a magical plant-person and it lead to Koholint Island.



creating a small screen from which a voice could be heard



JofY: “How would you, like to lose 10 pounds in 10 days?”



"Jackie, did you get my Lurker, Oswald?



JofY: The forgotten Disney rabbit?

SC276: You leave him out of this.



I do miss him so..."



JofY: “Monkey-senpai…”

Scarlet: Oh dear. You’re going to be obnoxious aren’t you.

ToonGuy: Gasp.



The clown laughed uneasily "Yeah... about that... Tarakudo has him..."



The screen ws silent for a moment before a loud laughter was heard "You mean the floating head guy with ZERO imagination, for all the power he has? I mean, make a creature or two, at least! Hell, with his level of power I'm surprised he didn't try his hand at being a god!"



SC276: I actually miss the perky goth Slenderwoman. I actually miss the perky goth Slenderwoman.

Scarlet: Lisa, come back! You can blame it all on us!

ToonGuy: WE’RE SORRY.



The clown looked to the screen even more uneasily "He's right here..."



Raphael's screen turned blood red "AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!? NOW I LOOK LIKE A BLOODY GIT!"



SC276: Pretty sure you didn’t need his help to do that.



The screen turned to Tarakudo and extended a gloved hand with which it gestured toward his Lurker "So, what do you want for my creature?"



Scarlet: What the hell is it with these people and trading around this thing like it’s a pokemon card?

ToonGuy: Because they need to get a badge?

JofY: I still need to collect my tenth.



"Well I was going to sell him to you cheap but after what was said about me I think I'll just keep him and your clown."



At that moment the clown's shadow was slowly disappearing and he collapsed unto his knees "Wh-why?! Master, SAVE ME! It hurts, master!"



Scarlet: [Peter Pan] “Awww, suck it up!”

SC276: “It hurts us, precious!”



The screen paused a moment "I really don't care about the Jack, as this was supposed to be the mission that ended his debt to me.



JofY: And now you can no longer use him as a disposable bargaining chip!



I would have had to replace him anyway, too inept at his job."



Scarlet: Mostly because you dispatched him like half an hour after he’d have been able to do anything.



I then felt a tug at my collar and flew towards the screen "I do so wish I was able to lay claim on you, but don't worry, I'll still be keeping an eye on you, as you interest me, and that hasn't happened in millenia." Raphael then laughed



Scarlet: [Raphael] “Whoo, had you going for a second there! I don’t actually give a fuck about you tossers, you can all sit and spin for all I care!”



"Oh, and I left a little parting gift in the Jack, in case if anyone else tried to claim him, cheerio!" The clown then was enveloped in a red light and exploded in a shower of confetti and blood



JofY: What about the organs?



as the screen winked out of existence, I then finally fell to the ground, getting the feeling back in my legs.



"I really hate that guy." Sunset and Tarakudo said in unison.



SC276: Well I hate all of you, so I win!

Scarlet: Hate leads to anger. Anger leads to riffing. Riffing leads to the end of this story. Give in to your hate.

JofY: Someone else with tons of power, how dare he!?

CaptainPipsqueak: Don’t he know that it’s the OC’s job to be OP?



The screen came back for a second before a smile face was seen "Oh, and Tarry? You should tell Sunset your feelings for her, Ta!"



Scarlet: Just admit you’re gay, Tarakudo. Nobody’s going to judge you.

ToonGuy: It gets better.



the screen then disappeared again, leaving a cluster of red crystals, which I curiously touched, feeling a rush of energy that made me feel anything was possible to me.



Scarlet: Look, I know it’s a slang term for it, but crack cocaine is not an actual rock.

SC276: [Slenderman] “I considered the possibility of rewriting this fic into something actually good, but then decided, nah.”



I snatched my hand away and looked at it carefully, realizing that this was some seriously powerful stuff, I grabbed it again and quickly placed it on the bottom of my scythe, feeling my power boosted by the crystals as my hands turned blood red.



SC276: So… weapon augment?

Scarlet: Oh god damn it, it’s a Bloodborne reference. You bastard.

JofY: Okay, now I kinda got to ask: when was this written? Because if it was written after Bloodborne was made, THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH SUNSET’s CHARACTERIZATION!?



"Well that happened.



SC276: And now back to the thing we came here for, and we’ll never mention this again.



Ok we'll stay for your wedding if only to keep an eye on things." Sunset said.



I nodded "Yeah, that was weird... " I put on my mask and saw that my coat had changed, I was now blood red with blue mane and a cutie mark of a laughing mask,



Scarlet: Doesn’t this kind of defeat the purpose of you ever being Slenderman?

SC276: Your girlfriend-come-wife and everyone else you know is going to recognize you, right?



I was also buffer, about Big Macs size, with a very attractive, masculine build "Hmmm... guess Raphael's power rubbed off on me more than I thought..."



JofY: But wouldn’t it have come from...



I then looked to Jason "You ready to go?"



YEAH. AFTER THAT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS THING.



Scarlet: [Jason] “IF NOTHING ELSE THE NON-SEQUITORS SHOULD BE AMUSING.”

SC276: [sign] “IF WE’RE LUCKY, THE WEDDING WILL BE SLIGHTLY LESS BULLSHIT.”

ToonGuy: HA! As if.

Scarlet: um… Probably nope.



I slenderwalked back to Ponyville with Jason and my new employers following me, I then looked to Tarakudo, who was still just a head "Umm... is there any way you could grow a body, sir? I don't want to freak ponies out any more than necessary." I then gasped "Am I going to have to quit my job at sugar cube corner?"



Scarlet: Of course that’s where you worked. Jesus, Lisa’s cabin of solitude seems way less dumb by comparison now.

JofY: You know, I wonder how the other universe is doing. They could be overrun with garden tools right now.



Tarakudo and Sunset both glared at me before answering, "That's none of your business and no."



JofY: What’s with the anger for?



I raised my hands in surrender "Hey, just making sure that you aren't attacked by Celestia or something." I then laughed "But now that I think about it, you could probably snuff her out like a candle."



Scarlet: God damn it, you idiot! No cross-fandom fighting! That only leads to terrible wank threads!

JofY: Because it wouldn’t matter if Celestia were to die, just that Tara doesn’t die.



"Indeed but worry not." Tarakudo disappeared and Sunset pulled down a mask that looked like Tarakudo only his eyes were replaced by Sunset's eyes and at the same time Sunset transformed into her pony self but her usual fur color turned to a dark blue-green shade, the color of the Shadowkhan's skin. Her hair however remained the same.



SC276: ...OK, I’ve lost track now.

Scarlet: Basically, palette swap Sunset Shimmer.

JofY: Did they meld or something?



I laughed again "It's like Wolf Link, but cuter!"



Scarlet: YOU LIE. Nothing is cuter than adorable wolf link. Nothing.

SC276: Yeah, I’ve actually played Twilight Princess. You bring up anything from that in relation to this, I’m going to throw something.



"Say that again and I'll show you just how cute I can be."



JofY: [Not!Sunset/Tara] “How dare you complement me!”



said Sunset but this time her voice sounded both like her's and Tarakudo's at the same time and very demonic.



SC276: Yeah, that’s certainly much better. And Celestia’s totally not going to recognize Sunset.

JofY: To be fair, she is currently a color swap.



I waved my arms "In case if you are pissed, I'll stop." I then saw Pinkie and Lisa walking towards me



SC276: Well there’s the main character, about freakin’-ass time.



along with Twilight and Fluttershy, Whom I assume were bridesmaids. "Hey, honey! Hi sis! you ready to go?" They nodded.



Scarlet: [Lisa] “We can all instantly recognize you despite your shifted appearance because I’m magic!”



"Yeah, the bachelorette party was pretty fun!"



I laughed "You know, I just had an interesting and slightly mortifying Bachelor party myself, took care of some business, let's just say that the honeymoon will be a blast!"



JofY: [Pinkie] “*hopeful* You’re gonna be celibate!?”

[Male OC] “Oh… You… Don’t… Wanna...”



I gave a thumbs up and I could sense everyone who knows me across the multiverse have a facepalm moment.



Scarlet: Well, he predicted me right. *rests head and hands and sighs loudly*

JofY: I don’t get it.



I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT. I SHOULD STAB YOU FOR THAT PUN.



SC276: How is that a pun? Nothing exploded.

Scarlet: Get it because he’s going to ejaculate.

JofY:...I still don’t get it.



I nodded with a small blush as I realized how bad my pun was "Sorry..." I then looked to Ponyville station and smiled as the train came into the station "Let's get going, shall we?"



JofY: [Twilight] “Don’t worry about the library. I left the corpse in charge.”



Pinkie and the girls nodded and we got on, riding straight for Canterlot and talking with each other animatedly.



SC276: So… wait, they’ve started prep, finished prep, gathered everyone, set up the venue, and are having the ceremony… in one day. ...Anyone else capable of giving a fuck about time anymore?

Scarlet: To be fair, this is Pinkie we’re talking about. She probably had half this stuff on standby just in case.

JofY: Even then, it’s still BS.



We arrived at the Canterlot Castle. About an hour after arriving at Canterlot Proper, I walked with My friends and... Taraset shimmerkudo?



Scarlet: Your pairing naming privileges are hereby eternally revoked.

SC276: I thought that was another freakin’ cartoon character and was going to look it up.



I don't know what to call them... my employers, I'll just call them that. I entered the wedding chamber and waited as Pinkie got ready, I then saw Maud coming towards me.



Scarlet: Because she’s in this story now.

ToonGuy: Oh, did they skip the part where the family should probably meet the guy that is supposed to be bonded to your family member for the rest of their lives.



I nodded respectfully to her as she reached me "So your Jeremy, huh? Well, I hope you and Pinkie are happy together. Cause if you hurt her, I will hunt you down and crush you like a dirt clod."



SC276: The funny part is imagining this in Maud’s actual voice.

Scarlet: That and realizing this is probably the most on-point character bit in the whole story.



I laughed uncomfortably and watched her walk to her position as bridesmaid, I then saw Pinkie coming down the aisle and was awestruck,



JofY: Coming down the aisle?... IS THIS ACTUALLY THE WEDDING RIGHT NOW!?



she looked so... beautiful.... she had her mane done up like it was from the crystal empire episode, and wore a dress of the purest white, with several bangles and other accessories added on.



SC276: Pinkie. Wear a normal wedding dress.



"Don't you know it's bad luck to see the bride early?" Sunset asked appearing from out of nowhere.



Scarlet: Buzzkill Shimmer.

SC276: Didn’t she walk in with you?

JofY: Isn’t this the wedding?



I smiled "She's coming down the aisle and is wearing a veil, we are observing all of the traditions, besides, I think I've met my bad luck quota for the year, meeting that clown freak and the … Lurker thingy..."



Scarlet: Oh, and you know, selling yourself into eternal servitude to the lord of all Oni over your dick.

ToonGuy: I hear that’s how the original version of Faust went.



"Famous last words." Sunset said mysteriously before vanishing into the shadows.



SC276: Everyone can fuckin’ Dimension Door in this fic.



Pinkie then came down the aisle to me as Spike and the CMC came behind her. Spike acting as the ring bearer and the CMC acting as flower girls. Celestia proceeded to say the readings and the vows.



SC276: Evidence the author has no idea what weddings are actually like: skipping over everything.

JofY: Ain’t it supposed to be the people who are getting maried to say the vows?



Once she was done, Celestia looked to me "Jeremy Farkness, do you take Pinkie Pie, to be your lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day onward, for better, or for worse, for richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"



JofY: [Male OC] “...You know what. I’m good actually. No thank you.”

Scarlet: Wait, we skipped the bit where she asks us if we have objections to these two joining together in matrimony! Go back, go back!

SC276: Well it’s obvious why, given we’re here.



I nodded, my suit feeling warmer than usual, as if there was an energy filling the air.



SC276: Did you leave the stythe on? Or the oven, it’s basically the same thing.

JofY: Only now does he realize that his new dick was placed on his chest. But, I guess it does give new meaning to the term ‘chest burster’.



"I do."



Celestia then looked to Pinkie and smiled "Pinkie Pie, do you take Jeremy Farkness



SC276: I refuse to believe that is his actual last name.

ToonGuy: I could make a joke about not giving a fark, but that’s a stretch even for me.



to be your lawful husband, to have and to hold from this day onward, for better, or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"



Scarlet: Okay. Regular “I do”, or goofy but pulled-from-the-show “Okey dokey lokey!”? *flips coin* And it’s...



Pinkie nodded tearfully, I could tell as they were falling from behind her veil "I do!"



Scarlet: Vanilla “I do!” I’m honestly kind of disappointed.

SC276: Just do what I do and stop caring- why does every line between these paragraphs have a freakin’ space?!

JofY: I don’t know, we can’t read those in this format!



"Then by the power bestowed in me, I declare you Eldritch Abomination and Mare!



Scarlet: ...if I ever get married, I’m asking whoever conducts the ceremony to address me as the “eldritch abomination” of the pair.

SC276: I think I’d prefer being declared “Gamer and Gamer.”



You may now kiss the bride!" I leaned in and kissed Pinkie on the lips. Everyone started cheering. Then, I heard Twilight mumbling, I turned to her curiously.



Scarlet: [Twilight] “Ten.. nine… eight.. seven..”

SC276: So, who’s the changeling queen at this shindig?

JofY: [Twilight] “I swear, if that corpse hasn’t organized the library by the time we get back…”



Sunset who had a seat all to herself in the front row in direct view of Celestia suddenly felt a familiar shivering sensation.



JofY: Who left the window open?



'Something is about to happen. Prepare yourself and stay on your guard. I'll alert Jason.' Tarakudo's voice echoed in Sunset 's mind.



Scarlet: Because she’s a POV character now.

SC276: It’s changelings. It’s going to be the fucking changelings. This author has shown no real creativity so far, I bet $20 it’s changelings.

JofY: I’d be willing to bet it’s a new Displaced or whatever. Or at the very least, not Chrysalis directly herself.



"Seems like a good time as any." She took out the box from earlier and started to wind it. Once it was done winding, a portal opened.



Scarlet: Because we didn’t have enough of those yet.

SC276: Unless the Puppet comes out, I’m gonna be disappointed.



A short man in a red business suit with a matching tie and fedora walked through the portal. He had messy red hair and eyes that reminded me of fire. He had a cane in hand, which was cut from redwood and polished to a brilliant sheen, it also had a golden handle in the shape of a dragons skull, and in its mouth was a floating uncut ruby, with several smaller uncut rubies orbiting around it.



Scarlet: My god! It’s the malevolent spirit of Pick-Up Artists!

JofY: He’s Dev Ilisme.



"Hello, mortals! I am Raphael, Lord of all chaos and inventor of the party and fun times!"



Scarlet: Never mind, false alarm.

SC276: OK, um… This is clearly from something, but I’m gonna need a minute to determine what exactly… ...I’m just finding “Raviel, Lord of Phantasms.” Who is this clown?!

JofY: Discord should sue.

ToonGuy: No, what he should do is find the nearest chocolate lava filled volcano and dunk this poser straight in.



He looked to me and pointed his cane at me "You! You found my pet lurker Oswald, I owe you a party for that!" He snapped his fingers and party cannons appeared everywhere They all went off at the same time, causing chaos to ensure.



Scarlet: And also getting pudding in my hair, somehow. *fishes it out, grumbling*

SC276: Ha! Mario umbrella!



Some of them just fired off confetti, but others fired crocodiles, or rockets, or balls of fire. Everyone started to panic, running around in the sudden calamity. Raphael Just laughed "Dumb ponies, panicking at a little illusion, it's not even bloody there!"



Scarlet: [Raphael] “In fact, I’m not here! You’re not here! All of this is nothing but a story on the internet!



he then touched the fire and his smile dissipated "Oh..." I then noticed the only one that wasn't panicking was Lisa.



JofY: [Lisa] “Seen it.”



In fact, a red aura started to surround her. She was shaking with anger. She slowly turned to Raphael.



Scarlet: Oh dear. He pissed off the main character. It was nice knowing this guy!

ToonGuy: Did we know anything about this guy? ...Apart from the fact that he can’t pick a original name for shit?



"I had spent, all day, planning this. I had to make and send invitations, had to plan the reception, had to ask Celestia to do the marriage, as well as a whole slew of other things!



JofY: You ain’t the one getting married! This isn’t supposed to be your special day, but Pinkie’s!

ToonGuy: Jeez Lisa, making it about yourself. I’d say we don’t need you, but I saw the story that happened when you weren’t around. It was terrifying.



It was all going well, everything was just, fine. Then, you come along.



JofY: [Lisa] “Now, it’s great!”



You just barge in, and just, started, causing, chaos, ruining everything." The red aura started getting bigger, and turning black.



Scarlet: I might need more popcorn.

SC276: Save some for me.

ToonGuy: You see anything that looks alcoholic, bring it….looks like shit’s going down.



Raphael laughed "That's my job! keep things changing! I really have to thank the merchant, he made my job so much easier, all I've really had to do was save that poor sap he tried to turn into Slendy.



Scarlet: Wait what huh?

ToonGuy: SCUSE ME SIR, BACK THE HELL UP?



Idiot thought he could make a second ascendant being! I had to cram Slendy into his soul and imbue him with chaos so his soul wouldn't shatter! Ha! Such a wonderful vacation."



Scarlet: So wait you created the main character but you didn’t recruit him but you wanted to but Tarakudo is in the way and ablughbluh what?

SC276: I’m pretty sure no amount of backstory in this guy’s other fic could possibly explain any of this shit.



"So, you saved my little brother? Well, for that, I may just let you live!"



SC276: Definitive word there, “may.”



The aura became completely black, a cut appeared on her face creating a blood filled mouth. She gained claws, and her slendrils came out.



Scarlet: They then noticed what fic this was and walked right back in to call their agents and renegotiate.



"GRAAAAHHHH!" Lisa roared in fury.



JofY: Okay, stop the fic, I need to make a mini rant. Lisa, check your god damned privilege! It’s not your special day, but it’s Pinkie’s and Male OC’s! Yes, you did plan most of this out, but you know who really should be making the decision here? Because the answer isn’t you. It’s Pinkie and Male OC that should be making the call here. Sure they may not want what Raphael is giving, but they haven’t yet actively expressed a disagreement with what Raphael was doing, nor did Raphael do it to try and ruin the day for them! This currently, as much as we kind of wish it was, is not your story. Hell, it’s not just even that you got angry or upset that someone ruined your plans that you spent less than a day planning. It’s that you want to MURDER a being for ruining your plans when you should not have been the one making said plans. Hell, remember the piano guys? You threatened them to play! In fact you did it during a time when the actual groom had their own idea of who he wanted to play! GAAH!!! THIS FIC IS SO STUPID!!!

ToonGuy: Got that out of your system, buddy?

JofY: Yeah.



A portal then opened up, and she fell through.



SC276: ...Well, that was anti-climatic.



"OOH! Are we playing hide and seek? I do love that game, such fun." Raphael jested before he was shoved in after her by Marx.



Scarlet: [Marx] “You crazy kids play nice!”

JofY: What a dick!

SC276: How, by throwing his ball at his face and knocking him over?



"Welp, we're probably going to have one less displacer after this." I looked at him questionably. "Lisa is currently in Mad Mode Three.



JofY: She went super sayin.



Her full fury is unleashed in this form."



Scarlet: Don’t ask her about Madoka Rebellion, whatever you do. Her nerd rage in this form could consume whole continents!

SC276: Is that anything like Mad Max?



I looked to him curiously as I pondered on what Raphael was doing, I really didn't hold the 'wrecked' wedding against him, if someone hurt my dog max back home, I'd try to kick their ass no matter where I found them.



Scarlet: That’s… nice?

JofY: But it wasn’t worth running-on to save him.



"Yes but how would that equal to one less displacer? and how do I calm her down? I owe that guy big time, he saved my life!"



SC276: Continuity that has nothing to do with the story we should be actually following!



"When Lisa Mad Mode Three last came out, I sealed her in a sub dimension. She proceeded to destroy it."



JofY: How did she not die along with it?



My eyes widened.



JofY: Oh great, now the drugs are starting to take effect!



Suddenly another portal opened with Raphael hanging on to the edge of it. He was bloody and beaten up.



Scarlet: [Raphael] “Why...was… I...even… in this… story…” *collapses*

SC276: The actual main character does shit and we don’t get to see it?!



"I do think I would like to leave now, would ya be a dear and let me out?"



"ET BACK HERE! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!" A slendril wrapped around Raphael's neck and he was dragged back in.



JofY: Isn’t Raphael supposed to be a master of chaos?... Power levels are bullshit!



The portal closed.



Scarlet: I am extremely sad I am missing this action scene.

SC276: Considering only Marx can make portals on his own, why did he allow that gag?

ToonGuy: Because this story hates us.



Marx gestured to the portals former location "See what I mean?" I nodded. Lisa was pretty scary when she was like this.



"Should we help? I really don't think he should die, the multiverse needs chaos to function..."



Scarlet: He’s got a point. It’s not like there are any other canonical, chaos-controlling beings sitting in a statue garden at this very location waiting to be awakened who also have an ongoing presence in the series.

SC276: Because Discord doesn’t exist.

Scarlet: I just said that!

JofY: If only Discord existed...



"Dude, I messed with Lisa Mad Mode Three once, it did not end well. She threw three universes into a rip in time and space which she made by ripping a hole in part of the void.



Scarlet: Tengen Toppa Lisa Lagann?

SC276: Aaaaaaand this is getting to individual power levels I’m uncomfortable with.



We have, no chance to save him. We can only hope that she calms down enough to let him live." Suddenly, another portal opened up and Lisa, still in Mad Mode Three, walked out dragging a bloody and unconscious Raphael behind her. She let him flop on the ground, and turned to Marx.



"Marx?" Marx gulped in fear.



"Y-Yes?"



Scarlet: [Lisa] “This was pointless bullshit we could’ve avoided if you’d just distracted this guy for ten minutes.”



"Can you put everything back to the way it was?" It was a question, that sounded more like an order, with an "I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T!" tone to it.



JofY: [Pinkie] “...I kinda wanted to see what kind of party he’d give…”



Marx nodded, snapped his fingers, and everything went back to normal. The fires were put out, the walls were repaired, and everybody was put back into their seats.



SC276: So, how does this series have any conflict whatsoever?

Scarlet: What do you think, kids?



"Thank you." Lisa had finally calmed down. I gulped and poked Raphael, my crystal flashing as he healed completely and began snoring, mumbling about sexy slender women.



SC276: She just beat you within an inch of your life and you’re fucking fantasizing about her?!

Scarlet: To be fair, it’s healthier than the sexuality of most of the cast of The Catch.

ToonGuy: And at least he hasn’t been using the word ‘buggering’ throughout.



Lisa turned to him, apparently hearing what he had mumbled, and glared at him. She picked him up, and dropped kicked him out the window.



"AND STAY OUT!" Lisa turned back to us.



SC276: Yeah, that’ll be effective, given he just full-healed.



"Now, where were we?" Everyone just cheered and things continued as if none of that had ever happened.



Scarlet: So… why did it?

ToonGuy: Because padding.



Pinkie looked out the window and then to me "I think Lisa needs a party..."



SC276: I’d say we could use one, but my idea of a party involves swords and dragons.

JofY: It’s not like it’s your special day or anything.



I nodded and kissed my wife before looking to Lisa as Raphael reappeared, standing in front of me "I think your sister is highly attractive, cheerio!" He then disappeared and left a rose with a letter by it. Lisa opened the letter and read it. She groaned and rubbed her temples.



Scarlet: Oof. You beat up one asshat and next thing you know he’s a creepy fedora-wearing stalker.

CaptainPipsqueak: From asshat to ass wearing a hat. It works for me.



"Ugh why me?"



SC276: Because the fic just remembered that you’re the main character.



I took the letter from her and read it aloud.



JofY: “S”

SC276: Why are you reading a private letter out loud?



To Lisa,



I must say, you are quite the feisty woman. Your body is amazing, and best of all, you know how to fight! And I've never lost in a battle, yet you beat me like it was nothing!



JofY: In fact, Lisa’s name in his language, is called Mary!



And now, you have earned my heart.



JofY: ‘Could you please give it back?’



I know, you should feel honored, but do not fret. I will except your love when you are ready to give it.



Scarlet: I was kidding about that malevolent spirit of PUAs joke! Why does literally everything I riff happen?

SC276: Quick, riff about us getting a million bucks each!

Scarlet: That’s about as likely to happen as me becoming the ruler of a new nation, which will rise from beneath the ocean- what the heck is that rumbling noise?

JofY: *looks outside* ...False alarm. It’s just molemen.



Love, Raphael Zmatoc.



Scarlet: Gesundheit.

JofY: We can all rest a little everybody. A quick search of the name has the fic as the top result.

ToonGuy: Oh thank go- ANOTHER OC?



I laughed "Looks like you have an admirer, sis!" Lisa groaned again.



SC276: Boys can never understand a girl’s feelings.



Pinkie walked up to her and wrapped an arm around her.



"You know what you need? A party! Come on, let's go to that great reception you planned!" Lisa nodded.



Scarlet: Man, you know, when I’m trying to avoid coming into contact with a real creeper the first thing I think is “let’s go to a large, public gathering and interact constantly!”

SC276: Well my first thoughts about avoiding contact with a real creeper involve shouting “What the fuck is that thing doing not in Minecraft?!”



"Yeah a party sounds good right now."



I nodded and laughed as I walked into the reception, watching Pinkie and the girls celebrate as I felt around my new body, seeing that my mask form was indeed HIGHLY endowed with procreational organs.



Scarlet: Six dicks. Each one fully articulate in several hundred positions. The hentai artists of the world stopped to pay tribute.

SC276: Why are you checking that shit in public?

JofY: [Male OC] “Hey everyone! Who wants to see my penis!?”



As I finished checking myself out, a paradox in the box appeared, winding itself up and depositing an anthro fox that was about 4 foot 5 onto the ballroom floor, he had the same outfit and cane as Raphael, but... he seemed MUCH less powerful…



SC276: This would probably make slightly more sense if we had any idea what this chucklefuck was from.

Scarlet: At a guess? Some guy’s fursona at this point.

JofY: What!? Huh!?



Lisa however, didn't seem to notice the difference.



SC276: Well she probably noticed, just didn’t give a shit.



"GOD DAMN IT!" She ran up to him and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt. "WHY DID YOU COME BACK?! DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?!"



Scarlet: Say it with me kids: Restraining Order!



The little fox man looked to her in horror "Wh-what?! I'm just a guy from Idaho!



JofY: [Lisa] “Idaho killed my parents you ass!”



What the hell are you talking about!?" He then saw Pinkie Pie and screamed like a little girl "AH! PINKAMENA DIANE PIE! DON'T LET HER BAKE ME INTO A CUPCAKE!"



SC276: That’s sounding like a better alternative than reading this at this point.

JofY: Why does his mind instantly go to the killer version of Pinkie?



Pinkie looked queasy at the thought of what he was implying, and I grabbed him and began to shake him roughly "DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY WIFE LIKE THAT YOU BASTARD!"



Scarlet: This fic has potential as a surrealist comedy.

JofY: SCREAMING AT EVERYTHING!

CaptainPipsqueak: CAPS LOCK! EVERYWHERE!



A large hand settled on my shoulder and pried me away from the poor fox person. I was then immediately hit on the head with an iron sign.



ENOUGH JEREMY! CONTROL YOURSELF! USE THAT TINY HEAD OF YOURS AND THINK! WHY WOULD ANYONE BE SCARED OF PINKY OR ACCUSE HER OF BAKING SOMEONE INTO CUPCAKES?



JofY: “HE’S ON A GLUTEN-FREE DIET.”



OBVIOUSLY WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS SOMEONE LIKE "US".



JofY: A murderer?



PLUS ON TOP OF THAT JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE INSULTS YOUR WIFE-PONY DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO ATTACK THEM!



Scarlet: It doesn’t?

SC276: Iron sign? What’s next? The leather sign, the gold sign, and the diamond sign?

Scarlet: Followed by mythril, Adamantine, and Orichalcum?

SC276: And Aquarius? Well my sign’s Leo, but still...



I paused a moment before nodding "You are right..." I offered my hand to the fox man and smiled, unaware of the horror in his eyes.



Scarlet: “Because I was too stupid to look at him.”

SC276: This guy is horribly inattentive.



He then proceeded to scream even more "OH MY GOD IT IS SLENDY DON'T KILL ME PLEASE!"



JofY: This guy is just going to lose his bladder whenever he sees anything, isn’t he.



Wait, WHAT?! HE CAN SEE THROUGH MY MASK?!



Sunset took this moment to add her two cents. "The mask only hides you from Mlp beings not Displaced."



SC276: Which means if he gets dropped in a not-MLP universe, he’s freakin’ screwed. Also, this whole thing with masks is reminding me more and more of Changeling: the Lost. Are you sure we’re not in Arcadia right now?

JofY: This exposition should have been told to you earlier. We are not sorry for this.



There was a burst of energy and I was knocked back by something large and heavy, I looked where I was to see a massive humanoid creature made of stone had a serious underbite appeared, it wore a red top hat and blue tuxedo, with white gloves and black dress shoes.



Scarlet: The fuck, did he just summon his Stand or something?

JofY: No, it’s the Rock Biter’s cousin with horrible fashion sense.



"I am Griswell Stone heart! I am the high priest of the spawns, and I shall smite thee!"



JofY: “I will strike down anyone who tries to camp!”



the stone ogre sounded like Tyrael from Diablo 3, and was wielding a large pickaxe/hammer combo.



Scarlet: I, Garland, will knock you all down!

SC276: Why does everyone want to attack this wedding?! I mean, beside the obvious?!

Scarlet: Decreases the rush on the after-wedding buffet.



The fox man looked to Griswell in shock "G-Griswell?! B-but... I made you up!"



Griswell chuckled "I shall explain later, planewalker, now is the time for battle, is it not?"



Scarlet: Wait, Magic the Gather- *scarlet.exe has ceased working*

ToonGuy: Oh cripes….uh, does anyone know where the start button is!?

JofY: Just kick it. That’s what I usually do.

SC276: ...I’m just finding Raphael Levy in connection to Magic. Apparently he likes red, though, so that’s something?



WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Sunset read the sign Jason produced and agreed wholeheartedly.



SC276: So do we!



GREAT. ANOTHER ONE. WHAT DO YOU WANT "GRISWELL"?



Griswell smiled "I exist to protect the innocent, young Barry. As was my purpose since birth, the Stone Ogres are stout and stern in both spirit and mind, never wavering in their purpose."



Scarlet: They sure are, thing that just sort of happened!

SC276: Yet you didn’t show up when Lisa was shredding him in that pocket dimension.



He laughed heartily "And now that I take a good look at thy souls, I see my creator is in no danger.



JofY: Ah, that premature summoning. Now we know Male OC is a dick.



Well, not as long as your inner beasts are contained." He then turned to the fox man "Now Carl, I must ask that you return me to your mind, I must return to Zinu's aid."



Scarlet: these are names that I presume are of things.

SC276: I’m done looking up things now.

JofY: …”I must go! People's credit scores need me!”



I then picked myself up out of the wall and looked angrily to Griswell "Why the bloody hell did you attack me then?!"



Griswell rubbed the back of his head "I saw the monster within you and Barry, young Jeremy, and, as a priest of the concepts, it had put me on edge."



Scarlet: Clearly.

SC276: The imaginary friend is a priest now and I’ve stopped giving a shit.

ToonGuy: When did any of us even start?



"SILENCE!"Sunset commanded. "Begone from here worm.



JofY: No, it’s a rock.



Or face our wrath!"



Griswell smiled "I see you, Tarakudo, why don't you come out?



JofY: Tara, you lost hide and seek. Play fair, now.



I would like to meet the one I wish my creator to serve."



Scarlet: Because you totally and absolutely want your creator to serve the lord of all oni and I what.

SC276: OK, wasn’t the point of the disguise to avoid creeping out all the ponies are there even ponies left in this story.

CaptainPipsqueak: Shh. They’re hiding. Or do you want them dragged back into this clusterfuck?



Sunset gave a beastial growl before Tarakudo materialized. "Make no mistake Mr. Griswell. I'm only deigning you with my presence simply because of what you said intrigues me. Speak now or never again."



Scarlet: Quick, stop him from speaking!

SC276: I can throw the box I got my latest Wii U game in.



Griswell smiled warmly "I am a creation of Carl's here, that Raphael made a reality to. I am from the book Carl was working on, and Raphael was amused by it, and there is no need to call me mister, I am actually quite young for a Stone Ogre, only 5,000 years, give or take.



Scarlet: Nanacki’s species possesses great longevity. He is only about fifteen or sixteen by human reckoning.

SC276: Abandon all hope, ye planning to make a relationship chart for this fic.



Carl here was displaced as Raphael, and while quite cowardly, he has a heart of gold and loyalty unmatched. He can summon one of us at a time, be us good or evil, and we will serve his will."



Scarlet: Oh of course this makes perfect sense what.



"Uh-huh. Getting bored here.



SC276: Beat ya to that.



What makes you think he'll be useful to Master Tarakudo?" Sunset interjected.



Scarlet: I cannot imagine what having access to a universe’s worth of fictional characters willing to serve him could possibly be worth as an asset.



Griswell thought a moment "Well, there is the fact that his powers shall grow over time, eventually becoming capable of summoning entire armies, all bound to his will, I'd rather he be bound to me, than either an enemy, or a free agent.



Scarlet: [Griswell] “I would rather EVERYTHING be bound to me rather than be a free agent! The world is mine by right!”

SC276: Only if you do it Katamari-style.





and may I mention he imagined the Lurkers that Raphael is so fond of as siege engines?" He then laughed "Besides if you destroy me, he can just make me again."



Scarlet: I was kidding about that Stand thing!



Carl was hiding behind a table until this point, to which he slowly came out with his cane in hand "Umm... does the cane work like I think it does?"



SC276: It’s a bludgeoning weapon, yes.



Griswell looked to Carl by turning to him, as he had no neck and had a massive hunch and nodded "It is exactly like Raphael's cane, except weaker.



JofY: Sure it can whack people, but it’s weaker at whacking people.



Now, back to business."



Scarlet: [Griswell] “Incidentally, I know the details of all this because ablurpblurgh babadee babadai.”

SC276: *chocolate milk explodes*

JofY: ...I thought I got rid of all of that from our previous riff.



Tarakudo examined the boy for moment, "Hmph. I suppose I'll take him if for no other reason than to see that his power doesn't simply waste away.



JofY: “I guess a power source might be useful.”



But I'm not impressed, not by a long shot."



SC276: You’re not the first one.



Griswell shrugged "I know, I could see the lack of interest in your soul."



I then looked to him curiously "His soul?"



Scarlet: You’re just NOW asking about that?

SC276: King of oni, buddy. I’m pretty sure looking into his soul would make your head explode.



Griswell nodded "I am technically blind, all I can see is from the light of souls and life force." He then shrugged "Not much of a loss, as all living things have life force, even germs and insects, so I can see pretty well.



Scarlet: [Griswell] “Unless I’m looking for a wall. Then I’m fucked.”

SC276: If you can see germs, wouldn’t that mean the sheer amount would blind your vision?

JofY: “I am blind except not.”



Only downside is that I can't forge my own weapons like most Stone Ogres, I had mine made by king Dravidium Forgefire himself, the greatest of the Stone Ogre smithies, so great that he leads the Stone Ogres because of it."



SC276: Lovely story. No one cares.



THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.



Everyone turned to see Lisa banging her head against a nearby wooden post, with Rarity rubbing her back for comfort.



Scarlet: ...I never thought I’d say this, but I genuinely like Lisa now.

SC276: Compared to the crap we’ve been reading in this chapter, who wouldn’t?

ToonGuy: She’s just as tired with his shit as we are.



"Why? Of all the god damn times why does this crap have to happen now?"



SC276: Because the plot fucking said so.

CaptainPipsqueak: At least we think so. There were words an’ shit, but admittedly, I wasn’t paying much attention.



"It'll be alright darling."



"BUT I WORKED SO HARD!" Lisa started to break down crying and Rarity hugged her. Everyone turned to me for an explanation.



"Ummm... she's had a rough day."



SC276: Might’ve been her idea to set up an entire wedding in less than twelve hours.

Scarlet: Again. To be fair, Pinkie Pie.



NO KIDDING. BUT SHE SHOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW. I MEAN CONSIDERING THE WORLD WE OCCUPY, THIS TYPE OF THING IS NORMAL.



SC276: No wonder your world sucks.



I nodded "Yeah, I agree, so..." I looked to Tarakudo "Am I going to have to keep an eye on him?"



"What do you think?" Tarakudo said simply.



Scarlet: [Tarakudo] “Get it, it’s a rhetorical question because obviously.”



"I think that you don't understand shit Jason!" Everyone looked at Lisa, who had apparently noticed the sign, as she walked up to Jason. "Do you have any idea what happens to me when I get as mad as I did before?"



JUDGING BY YOUR "FACIAL EXPRESSION", YOUR REACTION, BODY LANGUAGE, AND YOUR VOICE, YES I CAN.



Scarlet: [Lisa] “You do realize I just bodied a god because he pissed me off, right?”

SC276: I forgot who won at the end of Freddy vs Jason.



A portal opened up and Marx came out. "Actually, I bet you that you can't."



If one looked real closely one could see Jason rolling his eyes but his mask hid his expression.



BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT TO BELIEVE. I DON'T CARE.



SC276: Neither do we!



I raised my hand "Trust me Jason, I felt what it's like going into mad mode ONE, it felt like I was being dunked in acid while being forced to watch generation three and High school musical having babies...



SC276: Which would probably be a more interesting fic than this.

Scarlet: Well, if nothing else that’s descriptive.



It was hell...I don't EVEN want to know what mad mode three is like..."



WHATEVER. STILL DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT SHE SHOULD BE USED TO THIS.



Scarlet: [Sign] “CAN’T BE THAT DIFFERENT FROM MENSTRUATION, RIGHT?”

[Lisa] “*unearthly screams as MM3 activates*



I shrugged and nodded as we went on with the matter at hand "So, Tarakudo, my master, wants me to keep an eye on you, Carl."



SC276: My kingdom for some pacing.



Carl nodded "W-well... okay..." He then looked around until he saw Fluttershy hiding under a table, signified by her bounteous booty and pink tail,



SC276: You’re defining a pony by the size of her ass?

CaptainPipsqueak: Doesn’t most of the fandom?

Scarlet: Awkward prose count, increase!



if one were to have kept an eye on her, she had run there ever since Marx had teleported them back to their seats "A-are you okay, Miss?"



SC276: Let the shipping commence!

JofY: My boats!



Fluttershy peeked out behind her before seeing Carl and jumping out, cuddling him to her bosom inadvertently



Scarlet: Erm. That is not a thing you have on a horse body. Not in that location, anyway. Please stop.



"Oh you are so cute and fluffy! What's your name?"



Carl stammered "I-I'm Carl... f-from I-Idaho..."



JofY: Behold, all there is to this guy.



Fluttershy gasped and held him out "Y-you can talk?! That is so wonderful!"



SC276: You can talk to animals anyway, what difference does it make, and were you not paying attention this whole time?

JofY: Oh course not. Fluttershy only just entered the story!



Carl looked down to see he was in the air and began to get queasy "P-p-please let me down..."



SC276: Aren’t they under the table, how does space fucking work anymore?



I laughed as Fluttershy gently set him down "Seems Carl has made a friend!"



"Indeed. I haven't seen this much love in one room since Narcissus discovered himself."



JofY: On the day that he committed suicide, that is.



Tarakudo replied dryly.



Scarlet: Disney’s Hercules screamed in pain for reasons it could not explain.

SC276: But I’m pretty sure I can.



I looked to Pinkie, who was smiling and laughing as she talked with the cakes, who had not yet had their foals "Think they'll start dating, Pinkie?"



SC276: OK what. So we’re in the middle of season 2 or before season 2 or make up your fucking mind, when are we?!

Scarlet: More importantly, what kind of sitcom am I reading?



Fluttershy and Carl blushed deeply until Carl dismissed Griswell and ran under the table that Fluttershy was hiding under mere moments ago "I-I'm sorry! I'll leave you alone now!"



Fluttershy looked curiously to the table "What's wrong?"



SC276: Where do we fucking start.

Scarlet: *unfolds a long scroll* Well, to begin with-



Carl looked to Fluttershy as if she asked why the sky was blue "I... I'm not a pony... isn't it weird for ponies to date non-ponies?"



Scarlet: It’s Displaced. It’s abnormal for them not to date.

SC276: You just fucking met.



I laughed "Really? I'm not even from this dimension, and I'm MARRYING a pony."



COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT'S HAPPENED IN OUR LIVES UP TO THIS POINT I'D SAY IT'S PRETTY NORMAL.



Scarlet: Isn’t this line literally lifted from something?

SC276: Shut up, sign.

JofY: Normal? Yes. Inhumane? Also yes.



Carl then looked to Fluttershy and blushed "Th-then... could we go out sometime?"



Fluttershy nodded warmly, a blush coloring her cheeks "I'd... like that very much."



Scarlet: And on that day, new heights of lazy shipping were reached.

SC276: YOU JUST FUCKING MET.



I then smiled as one of the piano stallions whispered in my ear "Well, ladies and gents! I am going to sing a song with the piano stallions in place of a speech, hope you all like it, especially you Pinks!"



Scarlet: We won’t! *waves cheerfully*

JofY: Why didn’t they say it out loud so everyone could hear?



{Author here, play these both together!}

[youtube=https://youtu.be/QgaTQ5-XfMM]

[youtube=https://youtu.be/Oep86ZNIi3o]



SC276: ...I’m not checking them, you check them.

Scarlet: Challenge accepted. *clicks* and… they’re covers of “A Thousand Years.” Also, The Piano Guys. Apparently more ponified actual musicians. Admittedly less awkward than getting your wedding played by the guy who recorded “Suck My Rock.”



Pinkie pie teared up and hugged me when I finished, and everyone started to applaud in whatever way they could, I looked to Jason and my masters, along with Carl and Lisa "So, how was I?"



The group looked at each other before presenting their judgements.



SC276: If you try to weigh your money against your love, there is no doubt your heart will start to sway. If you try to weigh your love against your money, your heart will start to break. JUDGMEEEEENT!

Scarlet: ...I’ve missed this. *happy tears*



Jason held up a sign that had a picture of a thumb pointing to the side, Tarakudo held up a sign that had a 7 and Sunset held up a sign that had 01 on it, she realized that she was holding the sign upside down and corrected it to say 10 then held up another sign that said Meh.



SC276: “That’s it? That was a sneeze?” “Not according to the judges over there.” “Put those down, men.”

JofY: Here’s what I think of this joke. *Holds up a sign that says ‘10’* Oops, give me a sec. *flips the sign and puts a decimal in between the one and zero*



Carl smiled and held up his cane before tapping it on the ground, summoning a sign that said 10 before tapping it again and the sign disappeared



SC276: Here, I stole this batch of zero placards from the rubbish bin. *holds one of them up*

Scarlet: I just drew a massive ‘zero’ on the wall in the blood of that corpse that everyone forgot earlier.



I smiled "Thanks for your input! Now..." Pinkie and I looked to each other for a moment before speaking in unison "LET'S PARTY!" Marx floated into the air and opened another portal.



"FREE OTHERWORLDLY CANDY FOR EVERYONE!"



SC276: With all the dangers of imported candy, but magnified!

Scarlet: What could possibly go wrong?



Candy proceeded to pour out from the portal causing everyone to laugh.



JofY: Yay! Ecstasy!



I picked up a piece of candy to see where it was from. It was a pack of skittles. I looked around and saw other candy from earth. I looked up at Marx.



"Where did you?"



"NO IDEA!"



SC276: Meanwhile, the candy store clerk stares baffled as his entire stock disappears before his eyes and he moans, knowing it’s going to come out of his pay.

JofY: Hooray for stealing!



He then flew around and enjoyed the rest of the party.



SC276: Doesn’t he walk anywhere?

ToonGuy: Would you? I’d abuse the shit out of my flight powers.



I turned and saw Lisa. She was dancing around and having fun with everypony else. I even noticed some other stallions going googly eyed at her, which made me laugh.



SC276: What is with female protagonists constantly getting guys? I would I like to forget that fic, thank you very much, universe.



I walked up to her.



JofY: Wow. You actually walked for once!?



"Looks like you've got more than just a displacer for an admirer." Lisa looked at all the other stallions, who quickly turned away, and shrugged.



"Of course I do." I just laughed.



Scarlet: “It’s funny because you’re receiving awkward and unwanted attention!”

SC276: You live in the freakin’ woods, lady, how are you not a bundle of nerves?



"So, having fun?"



CaptainPipsqueak: Fuck, no.



"Totally! This party just seems to take away the stress from the wedding and my Mad Mode Three freak out."



JofY: “Just as long as someone got you a full set of pots and pans, we’ll be okay.”



I nodded.



"I'm still surprised that you can take on a displacer when you're like that."



Scarlet: I’m surprised you call them “displacers”. LAME.

SC276: My version of displacers refer to dimension-travelling technology.



"Yeah well, it helps when I can't feel pain in that mode, and I have Deadpool healing on steroids." I laughed.



"Really?"



"Yep. It's a shame that I only get it when I go Mad Mode Two or Three."



SC276: [Lisa] “Some shit about ‘balancing purposes.’”



"Yea well, thanks for helping out with everything."



"You're welcome."



I smiled and looked to see Jason was talking with Tarakudo and Sunset Shimmer, along with Griswell, who had not yet been dismissed.



Scarlet: Despite that earlier scene where he was dismissed.

CaptainPipsqueak: I guess he dismissed that.



"So are we agreed that Stone Ogres would be useful in forges, what with our metal bones, rubber muscles, and stone skin?" Griswell chuckled "Remind me to tell you of the time my brother Groswell chose his weapon. Oh, the parents went into hysterics."



Scarlet: What, did he pick the Dong of Truth?



He sighed in fond remembrance before he looked to Jason regretfully "I apologize profusely if I unsettled you with my knowledge of your name, I should have had the decency to at least ask it first."



JofY: ...Isn’t Jason one of the most famous horror icons?



WHATEVER. WHAT'S DONE IS DONE. JUST DON'T GO SPREADING THAT INFO AROUND. OTHERWISE, I'LL BE COMING AFTER YOU.



Scarlet: [Sign] “I CAN TOTALLY TAKE YOU, ANIMATE STONE THING. I KNOW HOW TO WRESTLE.”

SC276: [sign] “IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S ALL OVER THE INTERNET OR ANYTHING.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Sign] “IF ALL ELSE FAILS, I’LL JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH SIGNS; I APPEAR TO HAVE AN INFINITE NUMBER OF THEM.”



Griswell smiled "I would never, Jason. " He then looked to Tarakudo "Would you like me to requisition an armament for young sunset shimmer, My lord? Stone Ogres make the best mystical focuses,



Scarlet: ...implying that their bodies make good focuses and are you just asking to die or something?



honestly, we are unmatched in the making of armor as well, if it comes to making something, we can't be beat!"



SC276: No one gives a fuck about stone ogres, shut up already!



He then looked to Sunset, or, more accurately, her arms "It seems that the smithy in question would need to use lightweight metals, as Sunset is not of the same... girth, as the Faeterran peoples."



Scarlet: God, Prince Zodiac was so excited to write this bit wasn’t he?



"Are you calling me fat?" Sunset asked in a dangerous tone.



Griswell shook his head "No, I am saying you most likely could not lift a Stone Ogre or Bjorn weapon, as they weigh at least 58 lbs. on average.



CaptainPipsqeak: That’s...a rather precise measurement.



even if you could lift it, swinging it around would grow exhausting."



Scarlet: [Griswell] “You’re not Cloud Strife or some shit!”



"So. You're calling me weak then?" Sunset said acidly.



JofY: Quick! Griswell, say something basically to even it out!



Sunset began stepping toward the ogre until she was only inches from his face.



Griswell shook his head "No, I am quite certain that for someone who is not fifteen feet tall and has muscles made of super tough rubber, you are quite strong.



JofY: Not only are you strong, but you’re incredibly bouncy as well.



But my hammer is half your size, I am simply saying it would not be practical for you to have a weapon that big."



Scarlet: Bitch, do you even know how to anime?



DUDE. YOU SHOULD STOP NOW. Jason warned with a VERY bloody sign



JofY: It had a period. *rimshots*



Sunset growled, grabbed Griswell by the leg and lifted him up as easily as she would a pebble.



JofY: Too bad she couldn’t even lift a pebble.



She then began to spin around and around with the ogre spinning with her, before Sunset let go and flung him out the door. Tarakudo merely shook his head, before saying "She's cute when she's mad"



SC276: I don’t know whether to be happy for Sunset being awesome or weep in misery for Sunset being in a romantic relationship with a freakin’ oni.

Scarlet: Do what I do. The Lisa! *THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.*

SC276: ...That works. *THUNK. THUNK. THUNK.*



Griswell then calmly walked back in, not even a scratch on his surface, whatever he was made out of, it was TOUGH. "I assume you want a Stone Ogre sized weapon then? Do you want a pick hammer, an enchanted rivet gun, or a combat bell?"



JofY: The mighty bell! It can be used to ring!



He then saw me staring at him slack jawed "Oh, are you wondering why I am unharmed?



SC276: That would require us to give a shit.

Scarlet: I’m assuming because you’re made of freaking rocks.



It is just due to my stone Ogre heritage, we have very sturdy bodies,"



Scarlet: NO REALLY I HADN’T GUESSED.

SC276: The foe’s Sturdy prevented a one-hit KO!



He then laughed "I'm actually fragile compared to the warrior Stone Ogres, though.



JofY: Now, allow me to tell you the history of my pep- NO!



I believe you would call me a mage, or, more accurately, a priest, it is my job to protect the people of Faeterra from what goes bump in the night, along with my paladin brother Groswell."



SC276: We don’t give a shit, why are you continuing to worldbuild.



"Plus don't forget I only threw you. I doubt a simple throw would hurt you." Sunset added.



JofY: NAW!

SC276: Well he’s not King Bob-omb…

Scarlet: True. King Bob-Omb would’ve finished this in style by now.



Griswell nodded before thinking a moment "You know, what with the magical and physical power you have, a Paladins Combat Bell would fit you well. Would you like it if I had my brother come to demonstrate the combat bell?" He then waved over Carl, who was eating nearby with Fluttershy.



SC276: What does nearby even taste like?

CaptainPipsqueak: It tastes similar to other things. ‘Rather close’ one might say.

Scarlet: No, I’d rather not, thank you-



Sunset shrugged, "Meh. I suppose there's no harm in a demonstration."



Scarlet: Damn it, Sunset! I can only do the Lisa so often before my forehead starts to split!



Griswell nodded to Carl, whom tapped his cane on the ground and Griswell was replaced by a slightly taller Stone Ogre in full body armor, with a massive spiked bell chained to his wrist, made from luminescent white metal



Scarlet: Because when your skin is made out of rock, you need more padding to protect you.

JofY: Hell, I wonder why the padding is necessary to mention. After all, it is all around.



"I hear that you would like a demonstration of my skill? What would you like to see first, my physical combat, or my magical?" He then heard an eep and looked behind him to see Fluttershy



JofY: Clearly getting closer to the one holding the weapon is the smart choice.



"Worry not, young one, I shall not harm thee."



SC276: But we’ll harm thou.

Scarlet: There will be no mercy.

SC276: This author is an idiot- *coughs and sputters* Oh god, that thing’s murder on the throat...

Scarlet: Leave the gimmick riffs to me, SC. Leave the gimmick riffs to me.



Carl nodded "Yeah, Groswell would never attack someone without a good reason..."



"Surprise me."



SC276: Oh my god this goes on for like another page and a half………

JofY: *splashes hot coffee on the nearest riffer’s face*

ToonGuy: *starts sobbing* IT BURNS!

CaptainPipsqueak: [Groswell] I’m actually three squirrels and a rabbit done up in a costume. That surprising enough for you, champ?”



Groswell nodded and led us to the courtyard, so as to prevent collateral damage.



CaptainPipsqueak: ...which is the best kind...



He pulled his bell out and punched it hard enough to make a loud gong, summoning about twenty golems made from dirt and grass. "Okay, whelps, time for practice!"



Scarlet: Function one of the bell: Summoning an army of training dummies, because why not!

SC276: I’ve got a character in the design phases that wields a water jug. I will make sure all of his moves are nothing like this.

JofY: They’re whelps? Puppies? Aww. It’s rock dogs. They’re so adorable.



He began masterfully swinging his spiked bell around, crushing three before flipping and slamming the bell on the ground,



JofY: *jaw drops horrified*



creating a shockwave that dazed the rest of them, he then did a leg sweep with the chain and then jumping into the air while holding the bell, which grew as he landed and trapped the golems inside,



Scarlet: Function two: Changing size because of course that makes perfect sense.



he then banged the bell once and the bottom sealed as it began to shrink, the sound of breaking stones and crushing dirt clods could be heard from inside, he then emptied out his bell and smiled "My bell can summon golems from the earth to assist me in battle, I can also heal my allies and change the size of the bell at will."



Scarlet: This author was so goddamn proud of this bell.

JofY: Dude, this isn’t Jojo, Hunter x Hunter, or even Dragon Ball. If you don’t show the fact that powers have limits, then any fight has no tension. In short, we don’t care.



He then threw his bell upwards, the metal object stopping mid flight as he focused on it "The bell is also tied to my will, so I can control the chain and bell with my mind."



JofY: Okay, that’s a given with any OC weapon. Seriously, I’m hovering 50 swords right now.



He then brought down the bell and rested it neatly in his hand before aiming it at the sole surviving golem



Scarlet: [Golem] “REMEMBER ME-” *shatters*



"I can also use the bell to channel my mana and cast powerful spells, for example." He banged the bell and a white and blue fireball barrelled into the golem, reducing it to ash "That was a mid-level smite spell, especially useful against demons and undead."



Scarlet: And, apparently, golems.

SC276: Did you just set freakin’ stone on fire? That shit is not allowed on my Minecraft server.

JofY: How much do you guys want to bet that this kind of information will be important later on?



He then looked to Tarakudo, and then to Sunset Shimmer "But I have a feeling you would do better with the darker side of magic, what with your employer, and before you say it, no, I am not calling either of you evil,



Scarlet: We don’t believe you!

CaptainPipsqueak: “I am, however, thinking the fuck out of it.”



I am just saying your elements would be on the darker side, and trying to cast a light based spell would result in harming thyself, I actually know a good number of dark element inclined creatures that are perfectly noble,



Scarlet: Myself, for instance. No wait, I’m the other way around. That’s right!

SC276: Some of his best friends are dark people.

Scarlet: oh god damn it owwwww.



instead of smite, a combination of light and fire, you'd most likely be better off casting a damnation spell, which is darkness and fire, and thus less likely to hurt thee and thy master."



Scarlet: It’ll all be explained in the Blackguard class entry.

SC276: “You have Unholy Blight, not Holy Smite!”



"Please, the things that can hurt me are very few. And besides, even if I cannot wield it, my dear Sunset can handle it." Tarakudo said dismissively.



Scarlet: [Tarakudo] “There is basically no point to me even trying to acquire this weapon when I am already teh god modz!”

SC276: Big bad of season 4 of Jackie Chan, everyone.

JofY: I haven’t watched that at all… Is that out of character for h- What am I asking, it’s fanfic, of course it’s out of character.



Groswell shrugged "I'm just saying to be careful, my lord, these spells are made from your own mana, and thus scaled to your own power, if one was to cast a spell that was of an opposing element to them, there would be a serious backlash, and while I doubt anything could kill you, it would definitely be unpleasant."



Scarlet: Good.

JofY: You mean, elements can have weaknesses!?



"Well either way, it is best to observe some caution." Tarakudo admitted.



Groswell nodded "So, young Sunset,



JofY: As opposed to the Sunset 5 feet away.



Would you like to try your hand at the combat bell and get a feel for it?"



"I'm still not impressed but very well. One can never have enough weapons." Sunset smiled maliciously as she said this.



SC276: Fuck no, we did our Catch for the month!

Scarlet: Oh fuck, now she’s channeling Rye Mash! Is this thing following me around?

SC276: And also Bloody Velvet, that’s where he stole it from.



Groswell nodded before he banged his bell, drawing ore from the ground and refining it into a bell shape before he attached it to a chain "This is just for training until Carl can get near a real forge and have a Blacksmith make you something to match the Paladins. I'd give you mine, but, well... it has sentimental value to me."



Scarlet: [Groswell] “It is where I keep my porn collection.”

JofY: How does one keep porn in a bell?

SC276: With great difficulty.



He then handed the Iron battle bell to Sunset "Now be careful, last thing we need is you putting too much force into the mana and accidentally blow the whole mountain up."



French Accent: 1 Hour Later



SC276: Because medieval fantasy training is the perfect time for a Spongebob reference.

Scarlet: But of course!

JofY: What are we even doing here!?



KAABOOOOM!!!!!



SC276: ~Because I’ve done it before and I can do it some more...~

JofY: Hold on… Wrong mountain, we need to do it again.



Groswell sighed as we picked ourselves up from the floor, our bodies covered in ash and Sunset in hysterics. "Well... at least the blast was limited to the garden..."



Scarlet: ...aren’t they in Canterlot? In the garden Discord would be in?

SC276: This fic’s only salvation, Lisa getting shifted back to her own world notwithstanding.



Groswell laughed as well "Heh, you should’ve seen my first go with a bell, damn near had to re- stone all of my body."



JofY: They had to stone you again?



Carl nodded "I forgot to mention, Stone Ogres can heal by absorbing minerals..."



Scarlet: I am shocked to hear this.



I nodded as I looked to the now ruined garden "Umm... I think we should leave before Celly gets here..."



"WHAT IN THE NAME OF FAUST'S SMELLY FLETLOCKS IS GOING ON HERE?"



JofY: Shit! The fuzz!



Carl winced "Too late..."



Celestia was PISSED, busting out the Royal Equestrian Voice. "It looks like you all had an orgy with a dragon that had a bad case of whooping cough! What the hell happened?!"



SC276: That is a very specific description to be shouting to the rest of the world.

JofY: [Celestia] “And trust me, I know!”



Lisa came up to me.



JofY: Oh, hey, the main character.



"Okay I know this seems like a bad time but I need to go."



ToonGuy: [Celestia] “Well you should have gone before you left, Lisa!”



"What? How come?"



SC276: You mean besides the obvious?

Scarlet: [Lisa] “Look, I never thought I’d say this, but I am literally too good for this fic.”



"Eh, stuff in my world that I need to do, potential danger there as well as needing meet another displaced or two, for some reason. Anyways I really need to go."



"Oh, well alright then, later nee-chan!"



Scarlet: *hisses and scratches at the fic to no avail*

SC276: The Japanese as spoken by an American creepypasta continues!

JofY: “I need to stop the garden tools anyone from a kill... For great justice.”



"Bye little bro! Later everyone!" Everyone waved their goodbyes and a portal opened with Marx stepping out.



"You ready to go?"



ToonGuy: OH HELL YES.



"I suppose." She and Marx then stepped through the portal and it closed behind her.



Scarlet: Farewell, Lisa. See you next time. I’ll actually be looking forward to it.

SC276: Because it won’t spend two pages on worldbuilding for something we’ll never see again!



"Well now that that's out of the way, CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!"



SC276: You can read the fucking chapter like the rest of us, Sunbutt!



Author's Note:

Okay, so... this crossover has over 11 thousand words. :facehoof: I know I know, it's really long.



JofY: Then, WHY!?



Welp, to whoever said that I can only say SUPER LONG CHAPTER if the chapter had 8 thousand+ words, here

you go!



Scarlet: *looks at the wordcount on “City in the Fog”* Yeah. I still win.



Anyways this SO long that I just made Lisa leave. She does have a few crossovers lined up right now.



SC276: oh god there’s fucking more

ToonGuy: *starts crying even louder*



Now that I think about it, I have done A LOT of crossovers. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! (And hopefully the next chapter doesn't take as long, but you all know me. :twilightsheepish:)



Scarlet: We certainly do, Prince_Zodiac! *laugh track* Well, we’ve reached the end. SC, what did you think of the latest installment of “A Displaced Monster?”

SC276: You mean besides being absolutely fucking pointless? This… this means nothing! It didn’t even follow the actual main character around, why is she a side character in her own damn story?! Were I the one that had to write this, I would’ve followed her instead of Jeremy, be surprised by the sudden appearance of Discord-in-red, show the actual fucking battle with him no matter how much of a curbstomp it was, then have Jeremy and company give her the backstory for this wedding crasher instead of two-plus pages of a stone golem trying to teach Sunset Shimmer to fight with a giant metal bell that has nothing to do with anything! And that’s on top of how I’d probably extend everything to a month, or at least a week given the pace of Cadence’s wedding prep, because otherwise it’s just a recipe for what the fuck! Even if it is a dumb crossover - which it is - that’s no excuse to sideline the main character! Hell, remembering the chapters in this universe from the last part, none of them were from Lisa’s perspective, as I recall, or if they were, it was only during that initial battle against Slenderman! The author is expecting us, as readers, to give emotional investment to characters we don’t know in all likelihood and will never see again, and doesn’t even bother to describe them except for the one guy who’s actually an OC, which I’m pretty sure the whole point of Displaced is to not do that! Bottom line: I’m tired, I got pulled away from game development work that made me feel alive, and I want my money back!

ToonGuy: There was NO goddamn point to this. NONE. AT. ALL. I feel like I was one of the few sane people at a party where everyone else was high. The main character is barely a part of this, we get stupid and random cameos by people who seem to not really contribute anything to the story…..but to be fair, it wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the things I’ve seen. It was just...annoyingly stupid. I will admit that I did like seeing Liza, and she kinda did speak for us as the story went along. But I’m don’t think at all it was worth sticking around for…..just….let me rest my head and- *smashes laugh track* It felt like a goddamn sitcom that really needed to be cancelled.

Scarlet: And my thoughts are… surprisingly positive, actually. This fic is stupid, but unlike a ton of our previous offerings it is adorably stupid. I feel like Prince_Zodiac is a thirteen year old kid who’s just dealing with his first crushes and striking out into writing for the first time, and in five years or so this is going to be a deliciously-aged slice of old shame. That said, oh my god is it just hysterically tone-deaf. I don’t know what it was that made Zodiac think any of us gave a single, solitary fuck about Tarakudo, but if you don’t like him apparently the entire midpoint of “A Displaced Monster” is really not for you. But hey, at least we got to see how Jeremy got his junk back! And nobody’s ever going to be able to take that from him.

SC276: You do not understand the pure temptation to skip those entire two-plus pages. Also, isn’t this like his third story in this group thing?

Scarlet: No idea! Like I cared enough to check! *laugh track plays again*. Well, it’s time for me to sleep, kiddos. Remember: Riff responsibly!

SC276: Later, I’m getting back to GameMaker so I can recover the little sanity I had recovered after last week- hey, what’s this crate here? ...Oh, it’s the giant slingshot I ordered. Huh.

JofY: I’m sorry, but I just plain hate this. I know something like The Catch is morally reprehensible, but for me this is just the worst. At least there, it could bring some life into the story. But here? There’s no life in the story at all. No umph. It’s just event after event of what the nine year old righting this would think be awesome or funny. But nothing in this story makes even the amount of effort or spirit that drones on a factory line put into their work! I just hope next time we can do something more riveting. *slams the fic onto the ground and walks out*



* * *





Fallen Prime: Welp.

RingmasterJ5: It’s finally time to start the first multipart since the revival, which will be handled a bit differently than it used to.

Fallen Prime: The way we pumped chapters out before left people susceptible to fatigue, considering so much of a story was launched at you at once.

RingmasterJ5: So, instead, we’re taking things a bit slower. Each multipart will update once a month until completion with about 10K words per part, with the 8th being one selected by the editors and the 22nd being one voted on by readers… well, after the first one. But we’ll get to that in a few weeks.

Fallen Prime: For now, though, we’ve got a treat for you. Remember how we threw a fic by Chatoyance in all your faces? Wasn’t that just so much fun to suffer through?

RingmasterJ5: Well, if you’ve kept up with the schedule, we’ve lined up a very special story of hers for this week… which might even be her worst.

Fallen Prime: A story that continues Chat’s ludicrous misanthropic campaign to convert all humans in the fanfiction world to ponies, and this time, it’s expressly without their consent.

RingmasterJ5: It is absolutely one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever seen her write, and I can’t wait to see what you guys do with it. However…



This story takes place roughly 200 years before The Chase.



RingmasterJ5: Did you really think we were going to go straight into another Chat fic this soon?

Fallen Prime: We’re not fucking stupid. Here, you get kudzuhaiku instead.

RingmasterJ5: More specifically, the 40k-word prequel to his “magnum opus” The Chase, called The Catch. Or, at least the first four chapters of it. Fallen, do you want to mention the absolutely fucked nature of this fic’s “prequel” status, or should I?

Fallen Prime: Well, setting aside the author’s debilitating allergy to negative feedback, he’s claimed multiple times within “The Chase” that events from “The Catch” are needed to understand them... but at the same time, this fic demands that its sequel be read first in order to get it. It’s a continuity loop that basically guarantees that context is always missing wherever you start, making it difficult to decide WHERE to start and ultimately turning readers off of reading either.

RingmasterJ5: The thing that gets me the most about this is that “This story is a sequel to The Catch” are literally the first words in The Chase’s description. So even if this is actually not meant to be read first, literally the first thing people see in the story’s description implies they should do so.

Fallen Prime: It’s essentially sealed off from anyone new getting into it, and the longer and stupider “The Chase” gets, the more people abandon the story and the smaller the “in the know” bubble becomes. The story is basically guaranteed to burn out, and the fact that Kudzu prioritizes updating the fucking thing daily over actually producing quality content means that it’ll probably be soon. My guess/hope is before the end of the year.

...ahem. Not that this is entirely relevant to “The Catch.”

RingmasterJ5: Oh, right, one more thing… As of July 8th, 2015, this prequel is unfinished, making everything that much more confusing when it comes to what to read first. But enough about that, let’s start the riff already.





Chapter 1

In the entirety of his whole life, Rye Mash



Topher: Who will soon be reunited with his long lost brother, Button,



had never felt more fear than he did in the current moment.



Sigma: He was about to read a Chatoyance fanfic.

Steel: And right after a FelixDawn fic.

NaturalGlitch: He just now noticed his stall doesn’t have any toilet paper.



There had been many moments of fear.



Steel: Scaredy cat.

Sigma: Maybe Parallax can give ‘im a job.

SC276: "The worst case scenario is quicksand, spontaneous combustion, and getting called on by the teacher."



He had been taken from his home on the Shetland Isles



NaturalGlitch: It’s actually called Shitland Isles; people get it confused all the time.



as a very small colt during one of the many sweeps and taken to the mainland.



Steel: I almost hope he has an accent.

SC276: There was an American that moved to the Shetland Isles…

RJ: He was a midseason replacement. The Nielsen's on the other show weren’t that great.



He had endured the mainland orphanarium.



Sigma: He had watched ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate.’ Twice.

Steel: He could feel his soul leaking out of his chest.

SC276: Orpha-what? Is… Is that an actual word?

NaturalGlitch: I think it’s like an exhibit to display orphan children that succeeded in life...but I based that on nothing at all.



He and his master had been captured by sky pirates,



Steel: Vyse is right around the corner, not to worry!

NaturalGlitch: If it’s the pirates from Shantae, then you probably need to worry more about suffocating in the head pirate’s cleavage than anything.



led by none other than the infamous Captain Spyglass.



Steel: Captain Spyglass? What, is he paired with First Mate Periscope of the Farsight Pirates?

SC276: So named because an accident had caused a spyglass to be stabbed into his eye socket and all the way out the back of his head, and that still didn’t kill him!



Now, he was stuffed into a barrel and left in total darkness.



Steel: Wind Waker flashbacks…

Sigma: I’m thinking Mario Party 2 myself.

SC276: More like Donkey Kong Country, really.

NaturalGlitch: “This is where they kept the pickles, so it wasn’t too bad.”



He had heard some of the commotion all around him.



Steel: “Be quiet out there, I’m trying to sleep!”

NaturalGlitch: “Can we stay up longer? Just five more minutes!”



He had his magic,



Steel: But no mojo.

Sigma: And he was out of ethers, too.



but he was far too afraid to use it after the warning that he would be killed if he did.



Steel: Masturbating was never the same.

SC276: “Shoot on sight of fancy sparkles!”

Jofy: Because the biggest threat to those that can control fire is conventional weaponry.



So he obediently remained stuffed inside the barrel



NaturalGlitch: “Turns out that farting in an enclosed space was a bad idea.”



trembling with fear and not knowing what to do.



Steel: “I’m totally earning that cookie...”

NaturalGlitch: “When is hide-n-seek going to end? I’ve been here for hours!”



He cried out in fear as the barrel was turned on its side and rolled.



Steel: “IT’S THE PORTA POTTY ALL OVER AGAIN!”



As he tumbled around inside he collected every bit of will that he had and tried not to piss himself in fear.



Steel: He failed.

NaturalGlitch: “Despite the smell, it does not taste like popcorn...”



The barrel seemed to roll forever.



SC276: Somehow, they got it to start rolling up the infinite staircase.

Steel: “You sure we should’ve rolled it off the edge of the world?”



It thudded as it bounced over wooden planks.



Steel: “Yeah, I’m sure. There’s a bridge leading all the way to Hell from here.”

NaturalGlitch: —out one of the port windows.



Finally, the barrel stopped and the cover was pried off.



Steel: But no grog was to be found.

SC276: This is reminding me of the Muppets Treasure Island computer game, except with nothing resembling readable context.

Topher: …Is that a thing? Or are we just talking about Monkey Island?

SC276: Oh, it was a thing. Part of my childhood, it was. But that’s neither here nor there.



Rye Mash



Steel: Seriously, am I the only one getting alcoholic vibes off this name?

Sigma: Just sounds to me like someone stepped on a sandwich.

SC276: He had a brother, Sourdough, and a kid sister, Pumpernickel.



was forcibly pulled out of the barrel and was left sprawled out on the deck,



NaturalGlitch: [Pirate] “So that’s where I left my chew toy.”



his eyes stinging from the sudden light.



Steel: “LIGHT! HISSSSS!”

SC276: “YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR?!”

NaturalGlitch: Sounds like he’s one of those “hardcore” gamers.



He was dizzy, disoriented, and could not see.



Steel: That was the last time they pulled a prisoner out by the eyes.

NaturalGlitch: Or maybe he never had a pair to begin with! Dun dun du~un!



“Was it truly necessary to roll the poor colt in the barrel?” a voice said.



Steel: “You kidding? Most fun I’ve had running on a barrel in days!”

NaturalGlitch: [Pirate] “At least put the glock in there with it.”



“Sorry boss,” a voice replied. “You said bring the barrel over.”



Steel: “And now you’ll specify in the future.”

Sigma: It’s important to be detailed.



A figure stood over Rye Mash and he looked up.



Steel: “The ceiling is mighty fine today...”

NaturalGlitch: [Ceiling, blushing] “Oh, you flirt, you~♥”



He had trouble focusing his eyes and seeing who he was looking at.



Steel: “Could someone please stop pouring salt water in my eyes? It’s really hard to see!”

NaturalGlitch: “The pirates were so ugly they corroded any eyes of anyone who was unfortunate enough to stare at them.”



The figure’s breath smelled like pickle brine and cheap booze, a smell that reminded Rye Mash of home.



Sigma: Ah, yes, the smell of shit and nastiness certainly reminds me of my house.

Topher: Ah! we have the same approach to housekeeping I see!

Steel: Wow, this kid did not have a good home if the best memories are pickles and beer.

RJ: What was home then? A seedy, cheap bar?

SC276: Not even one stray whiff of a Game Boy’s plastic brick casing?

Steel: Not a one…

SC276: *HORRIFIED GASP* How could he live?!

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “My mom shows her affection by beating me to an inch of my life, so this is pretty comfortable for me.”



“Please don’t hurt me,” Rye Mash begged.



Steel: “I’m too squishy to die!”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “But if I have to die, be sure to add some lettuce, onions and some mayonnaise before your meal, OK?”



“I understand that you are property,” the voice said.



Steel: “My property.”

Something: (pops in through the roof) Who is this guy, Immortan Joe? (leaves)

NaturalGlitch: [Pirate] “You’re a Wii-U, correct?”



“I am not property!” Rye Mash protested.



Steel: “My taxes’d be way too high for you if I was, anyway!”

NaturalGlitch: “My name may be Rye, but I’m not actually a sandwich!”



“I am an indentured servant. There is a difference.



Sigma: “See, property is actually worth something.”

NaturalGlitch: [Pirates] “In that you get paid in punches.”



I’ll be free one day once I pay off my debts,” he said angrily.



Steel: Oh God, I am getting the wimpiest voice ever for this guy…

Sigma: Like pre-timeskip Simon of TTGL?

RJ: Ah, the false hopes of anyone with a student loan.

NaturalGlitch: Y-Yeah... <cries even more than last time>



Rye Mash’s vision settled a bit and he saw that he was speaking to a pegasus.



NaturalGlitch: ....um, duh? It’d be pretty hard to be a SKY PIRATE if they were, say, a Minotaur. I guess it could’ve been a Griffon, though.



“You are Captain Spyglass,” he accused.



Steel: [Spyglass] “First Mate Periscope, actually. I’m his twin brother.”

SC276: Wait, Spyglass is the pony, and the guy with the pony name is the human?



“None other,” the pegasus replied. “And do tell.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “Over some tea and biscuits.”



How did you become an indentured servant to this annoying fellow that we have been giving a good thrashing to?”



Steel: “And do you have a spare club? Mine broke.”

NaturalGlitch: And backstory is...go!



“I am from the Shetland Isles. I was taken in the sweeps. I was placed in an orphanarium in Fillydelphia.



SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!



An agent of House Avarice came looking for useful unicorns.



Sigma: So why did they choose him, then?

SC276: OK, they’re both ponies. That would have been nice to know before now.

NaturalGlitch: ...there’s such a thing as a useless Unicorn?



I was selected and given a great honour.



SC276: British!

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “To use my tongue to swab out the poop deck.”



I was sent to school to learn how to read and write. I was taught social graces and etiquette.



Sven: Gave him a monocle and everything.

Topher! Hey! Don’t laugh! Do you know how hard is it is to get your “mmmnyes, quite” Down pat? It takes YEARS man, YEARS.



I was taught magic as well.



NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “I can do so many card tricks your mind would dissolve from the sight!”



Now I am paying off the debt for my education and as soon as my education is paid off, I will be a free pony,” Rye Mash explained.



Steel: “Would you like some worldbuilding with that info dump?”

SC276: “Well I could go into unnecessary repetitive detail about the school I went to...”

NaturalGlitch: How do you pay a debt in a barrel? How’d he even get in there?



“Ah, I see,” Captain Spyglass responded. “So, do you know how much you owe?



NaturalGlitch: Aww... No “yargs” or “har-hars”? What kind of pirate is this guy?



How much are they paying you? What service do you provide for your master?”



Sigma: [Rye] “$3, $0.50 a day, and anal and oral.”

Steel: [Rye] “I’ve been trying to get a better deal.”

RJ: [Rye] “He does have a decent dental plan though.”



“I am his servant. For a time I served as his whipping colt when I was younger.



Steel: [Rye] “I thought it was a term for ‘go-for’ colt, but boy was I wrong.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “I was going to switch places with a prince who happens to look just like me, but I slept on that day, so they transferred me here.”



I have never asked how much I am earning. Doing so would be quite rude and a breach of social etiquette.



Steel: [Rye] “My speech is so noble, I vomit Celestia.”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “Son, you do realise they just told you it’s rude to shut you up right?”



I am to place faith in the kindness of my benefactor



NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “—so that the Combine won't turn me into a Civil Protection cop.”



and trust that such a good and noble pony is doing the right thing,” Rye Mash answered.



Steel: [Rye] “He’s a good man, I tell you! A good man! No matter how much he whips me!”

Sigma: [Rye] “I don’t tell him I enjoy it though, because that would make him stop.”

SC276: This is reminding me way too much of anime servant tropes.



“Then you are a fool. How would you like to be a free fool?” Captain Spyglass inquired.



Steel: [Rye] “I’m in.”

SC276: [Rye] “Could I be a chariot then? Oh, I know! A hanged man!”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “I’m not that cheap!”



“Free?” Rye Mash asked in a trembling voice.



Steel: [Rye] “But... b-but that goes against the idea of a shifting economy...”

SC276: Would you like to be safe, or be free?



“But my debts… it would reflect poorly on me if I did not pay my debts.



NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “There’s only so much plasma I can give before I pass out.”



How could I maintain any credibility if I didn’t pay my debts?”



Steel: [Rye] “OH GOD I’M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.”

SC276: [Rye] “I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “Silly boy… You have no credibility. That’s a made up thing to make kids feel better.”

Steel: “Just like credit with banks...”

RJ: Your FICO score shouldn’t be your main problem right now.



Rye struggled up to his hooves and wobbled unsteadily.



Steel: [Periscope] “I never should’ve challenged Telescope to a drinkin’ contest...”

NaturalGlitch: He’s been on the ground all splayed this whole time?



The pegasus sighed as several crew members chuckled raucously.



Steel: They just chuckled into microphones and turned the volume up to 11.

Sigma: They would be able to afford more crew, but they spent the money on the mics and speakers.

Topher: [Periscope] You traded the old crew for this? [Spyglass] No, for a microphone. [Periscope] A microphone? Okay, I can see that.



“Look here. I free slaves. That is what I do. And you are a slave.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “You’re part of the system, man! Come and smoke some of this good stuff to clear your head. Be sure to wear a fuzzy beanie over your dreadlocks.”



You will never earn enough to be a free pony.



SC276: This shit’s more rigged than Vegas.

Topher: Come on, man! You didn’t think to consider interest? When this is over we’re marathoning School House Rock.



You are bound.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “—in a nutshell, but you consider yourself queen of infinite space.” 1000 points for anyone who gets that.



You might not see your chains, but you have them,” Captain Spyglass replied.



Steel: [Spyglass] “...Oh Luna, now I sound like you.”

Sigma: “Do I sound smart yet, readers?”

JofY: “But there are no strings on me!”



“Would somepony be so kind and encourage our guest Lace Collar to tell the truth to this poor deluded colt?” the pegasus asked.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Binoculars, get those alligator clips off his balls!”

SC276: “And by encourage, I mean the spear in his back routine.”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “We need someone to fill in more backstory as I compliment my name on those mares down below.”



Rye Mash turned to look at Lace Collar as was horrified by what he saw. The stallion was a bloodied and battered heap on the deck.



Steel: [Rye] “...I am so turned on right now.”

Topher: “You mean you DIDN’T KILL HIM? DAMMIT!”

JofY: Wow. He’s trying to make a presentation and yet somepony can’t spend 5 minutes to clean himself beforehand? Rude.



He wanted to go and comfort his fallen master,



NaturalGlitch: House of Wolves fallen or House of Devils ones?



but he was too scared to move.



Steel: Pee is also slippery, and he didn’t want to trip and mess up this nice stallion’s deck.

SC276: OK, if all three named characters involved are ponies, and one pony is owning another pony, where does the “pony is master race” fit in?



Rye Mash wondered if this could end up being his fate as well.



Steel: It only made him harder.

NaturalGlitch: Harder than...Steel, you might say?



As he watched, a big scruffy looking earth pony kicked Lace Collar in the side of his head.



Steel: His head flew to the 10-yard line, but the catch was missed by Telescope! The referee just threw down a yellow flag! Ohhhh God, this is a terrible setback for the Shetland Sky Pirates!

SC276: Um… Touchdown? Goal? Home run? I CAN’T SPORT.

Topher: I’m pretty sure the score is 30Q-Love.



The battered unicorn tried to crawl away from his attacker but was kicked again.



Steel: [Rye] “Kick him below the ear, that hurts the most! Yeees, just like that!”

Sigma: [Rye] “Hit his jugular! No, the jugular! HIT HIS THROAT, you morons!”



Rye Mash felt his guts churning from fear.



Steel: It was a good sickness.

SC276: He was pretty sure his heart and stomach had literally swapped positions.

Topher: Soon he would unleash a series of tactical farts to confuse and defeat the pirates.

RingmasterJ5: Considering this is a Kudzu fic, that honestly isn’t too unlikely…

JofY: This was the start of the most unusual butter recipe.

NaturalGlitch: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.



A pegasus drove his hoof into Lace Collar’s side and there was the crack of bone as several ribs gave way.



Steel: And Rye Mash believed such a mood could only be found in 50 Shades…

Sigma: And saw sights he only thought he’d find in Mortal Kombat.

NaturalGlitch: Let’s all ignore just how much abuse a MLP can take, OK readers?



“Enough,” Lace Collar gasped. “It’s true,” he wheezed. Blood splattered from his lips as he spoke.



NaturalGlitch: [Lace] “It’s so true because I’m totally not saying this because they beat me up.”



“You were never going to be a free pony,” Lace Collar admitted.



Steel: [Lace Collar] “I LIED TO YOU FOR YEARS, AND YOU TOOK IT! THIS IS MORE HILARIOUS THAN ANAKIN BEING THE BAD GUY!”

Sigma: [Lace Collar] “I cheated you. I cheated ALL of you, and you didn’t! Even! NOTICE!”

Steel: This guy’s more clever than George Bush! Ohhhh, jeeze, I feel ancient now…

Sigma: Did the CANADIAN just make that joke for us?

Steel: Because nobody was going to be so ‘00s, they’d do it for me!



“And there we go.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “You surely can take the word of a pony we tortured to make him say those things.”



Finally, some honesty from the professional liars of House Avarice,”



Steel: And everybody wondered why it was just a homonym for House Greed.

SC276: And now that damn fic from my main series is coming back to haunt me...



Captain Spyglass said. “And so I will ask you again. Would you like to be a free pony?”



Steel: “WHO WANTS TO BE FREE!?”

RJ: “Or do you want what’s in the box?”

SC276: It’s a Zonk piñata!



the pegasus asked. “I am in need of a well educated pony such as yourself as my cabin colt.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “Which is why you were stuffed inside a barrel.”



I assume you can work numbers? Read and write?”



Steel: [Spyglass] “At least not shit on the carpet like the last one? I replaced that five times.”

Topher: The cabin boy or the carpet?

JofY: Yes.



“I can do all of those things and more,” Rye Mash replied.



Steel: The flutter of the eyelashes made everyones’ skin crawl.

SC276: Talk about a skeleton crew.

Topher: “I can also act all classy, you know, etiquette, that’s important for pirates, right?

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “I can tap dance. Does that count?”



“Forgive me for asking, but how do I know that I will not be your slave?”



Sigma: [Spyglass] “No, I WON’T forgive you. Alright boys, second verse same as the first. Someone chain him up for me? I gotta go get my iron horseshoes again…”

NaturalGlitch: That should totally be a name for a band.



“Clever colt,” Captain Spyglass said with a chuckle. “I pay my crew. In hard coin.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “I tried paying them in CHOCOLATE gold coin once, but then a couple of mates had an allergic reaction, then it mutated into a plague, and it ended up sparking the War of 632.”

Steel: [Periscope] “We couldn’t put the gravestone on board because the ship would’ve sunk.”



You will get a bunk and you will be fed.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “And sometimes you will be fed the bunk.”



And you will not be charged for said bunk and food,” the pegasus explained.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Because I’m taking that out of your pay! HA!”

SC276: “Enough people have asked that that it’s getting really annoying.”



“What is the catch?” Rye Mash asked.



Steel: [Spyglass] “You.”

Sigma: ...Wait.

SC276: Let me guess. Has to do with a novel we had to read in high school?



“The catch?” Captain Spyglass said in return.



Steel: [Rye] “The catch!”

Sigma: This is just a lazy title drop!

SC276: Title drop, take a shot. Wait, we’re in Disneyland.



“Why free me? Take me on?



NaturalGlitch: ♫Take~ on~ me~♫



Why me and not somepony else more suited for… your criminal endeavours?” Rye Mash asked.



Steel: Huh, maybe these guys are Blue Rogues…

Topher: “Because I’m not into that.”



“Oh ho ho ho,”



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “—♫and a swig of rum!♫



the pegasus laughed in reply. “I am not a criminal. Nor am I a pirate. I am a just and virtuous pony.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “Ignore this parrot on my shoulder or my many peg legs.”



Just as you were not a slave,” he added.



Steel: [Periscope] “He’s buying it!”

SC276: “I am a thing in the same way you are not a thing. LOGIC.”



Rye Mash scowled and flogged his brain, trying to collect his wits.



Steel: [Rye] “No, no, stop imagining flogging! Damn it! Now I need a cold shower...”

NaturalGlitch: “But he dropped his wits when his marble bag fell on the floor.”



“There is nopony on this ship that is a pirate,” a voice said.



Steel: THE SHIP WAS HAUNTED ALL ALONG!

SC276: We need to find the green orb and open the Valley of Bowser!



“And you’d get a good thumping if you said otherwise,” another voice added.



RJ: [Rye] “Oooh, really?”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “—with this gigantic plank. ...why are you smiling even more?”



“But I have heard of you. I know who you are. Everypony knows who you are.



NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “Everypony wants your autograph!”



You are the the infamous Captain Spyglass.



Steel: [Rye] “I suddenly have a horrible stutter.”

JofY:...Gasp!



The terror of the skies. The infamous sky pirate,” Rye Mash said.



Steel: [Spyglass] (Throws on a wide red hat and red sunglasses.) “Ohh, baby, work the shaft!”



“And who says this?” Captain Spyglass asked.



Sigma: [Rye] “Your mom!”

Topher: OH SNAP!



“The newspapers. The Canterlot nobles.



NaturalGlitch [Rye] “That one weird pony who mumbles to the wall about pudding being good for the eyes.”



Everypony who is anypony,” Rye Mash exclaimed.



Steel: [Spyglass] “So everybody I stole from. K.”

SC276: The type of pony everypony should know does know.



“Well of course they would say that,” Spyglass replied.



Sigma: Anyone else feel like that doing this whole corrupt noble infodump thing at the start could be done better as a slow showing over time how messed up the nobles are?

Steel: Silly Siggs, this is a story we’re riffing! We can’t have pacing and worldbuilding!

SC276: ~Now take Sir Francis Drake / The Spanish all despise him / but to the British, he’s a hero / and they idolize him...~



“I don’t understand,” Rye said in a confused and trembling voice.



Steel: [Rye] “Vision blurry. Breath speeding. Heart pounding. Bladder emptying...”

Sigma: [Rye] “Penis hardening. Mouth watering! OH GOD, TAKE ME NOW!”

NaturalGlitch: And that’s when Spyglass tossed the little pervert kid off the boat.



He cast a worried glance at Lace Collar who was bleeding all over the deck.



Steel: [Rye] “Can you make me wash that while you whip me? I’ll give up two weeks of pay.”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “Only if you mop the blood with your mouth.”



“You commit crimes… how can you not be criminals?”



Steel: [Spyglass] “Law’s fucked, son.”

Sigma: Technically, they are criminals, they just aren’t bad.



“I free slaves,” Spyglass corrected.



Steel: [Spyglass] “If, if that wasn’t clear here...”

SC276: “I’ve only said it a hundred times, pay attention for once, you’re supposed to be smart.”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “I also beat ponies to an inch of their life; that’s also how my mother showed affection.”



“I seize vessels full of the most valuable treasure of all.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Gold! Diamonds! Coin! Porn.”

SC276: “Oh my god, it’s a gold Nintendo World Championship cartridge!” ...First one I could think of.



Most of these vessels are owned by House Avarice



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] <puts on freakishly tight spandex and holds a whip> “I’m a cat burglar and this whip helps me...be a cat? I dunno.”



of course and I understand they are a bit miffed that I am interfering with their flesh trade.



Steel: [Rye] “I was kinda hoping it was the other kind of flesh trade, but carrying on...”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “I was bitten by a zombie on the way here and you all look so delicious, by the way.”



I roam the skies and I prey upon their airships and their sea going vessels.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “And sometimes, I turn into a bird and crap in their chimneys!”

Steel: [Spyglass] “That really makes them mad.”



I find the ones carrying say, a cargo hold full of zebras that are being sent to Minos to be sold in the minotaur slave markets.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Boy, have I got a story about that... oh, no, I’m not gonna tell it here. Onwards with the infodump!”

NaturalGlitch: ...feed on my hate, fanfic.



Or worse, to be sold to the griffons as either slaves or food.



Sigma: [Rye] “That sounds very arousing!”

SC276: They flip a coin when they win the bidding.

NaturalGlitch: Choke on my hatred. Go on. I know you want to, fanfic.



This despicable wretch on the deck was being sent to broker a deal with a foreign agent.



Steel: [Spyglass] “I never trusted those eagle-wearing bastards...”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “And now he’s a different kind of broker. Get it? Ha! I’m funny.”



Anyway, I seize their vessels and I free those they have taken.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “And then I free their women and make mashed potatoes for them! AND THEN THEY SUCK MY DICK! AND I SUCK THEIRS! It’s all a very complicated process, you see.”



I loot the ships of course.



Steel: [Rye] “Because what’s a good deed without some profit?”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] "All good deeds go unpunished, you know."



Most of the loot goes to the slaves to allow them to get a fresh start in life.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Is, is the paladin armor too much? I can never tell.”

SC276: Hope the bills are unmarked.



We keep a little for ourselves.



SC276: [Spyglass] “We call it an operating fee so we don’t feel guilty about it.”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “We only kill them a little bit.”



We need to eat and keep well supplied,” the pegasus explained.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “And by a little I mean we take all the ACTUALLY valuable shit and give the rest some ketchup and rags with holes in them for their arms and legs.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “I lost so much money in the ketchup racket...”



Rye Mash tried to come up with something to say but failed.



SC276: Natural 1.

JofY: That would actually entail his mouth imploding.

Steel: So he just answered his hard-on and fapped. He needed something to do!



He looked at Lace Collar and felt a confusing jumble of emotions as he stared at his master.



Sigma: Hate. Fear. And a lot of arousal.

NaturalGlitch: The new scent from Calvin Klein.



“What is a whipping colt?” a crewmember asked.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “What did I tell you about stupid questions, Magnifying Glass? Don’t ask them or you get kicked.”

SC276: Sure, now it occurs to you to ask.



Spyglass sighed. “Among the nobles, they don’t whip their own foals. They get a whipping colt.



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “I read that in a book once.”



And when the wee little lord is a bad little foal, they whip the whipping colt and make the bad little lord watch.



Sigma: [(Magnifying) Glass] “Sir, I think that’s just S&M porn.”

SC276: What if the foal doesn’t like the whipping colt?

Topher: This is how fetishes are made.



Isn’t that right Rye Mash?” Spyglass said.



Steel: [Rye] “Huh? Oh, uh, totally! Yeah. Definitely. It’s... it’s bad stuff.” [Glass] “You just imagined yourself getting whipped.” [Rye] “No!” [Periscope] “THEN STOP MASTURBATING!”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “Your erection is bleeding more than Lace! Please stop!”



Rye nodded, still unable to say anything.



Sigma: He was too busy jerking off to memories.

RJ: [Lace Collar] I sang Devo while doing so. [Spyglass] You’re not helping yourself.



“If you do not wish to join us, we will drop you off in a port city friendly to our cause.



SC276: Let me guess, the one that’s home to House Superbia?

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “There you will meet a pirate who makes his home in the mouth of a talking whale.”



We will give you some of your former master’s possessions



Steel: [Spyglass] “As well as the body. What? We don’t want to carry it!”

Sigma: [Rye] “Oh, I’m gonna do more than carry it…”

Steel: [Spyglass] “...”



so you will be able to make your way in the world.



Steel: [Rye] “Can... c-can I have a whip?”

SC276: Yes, an indentured servant far away from his master’s estate with some of his stuff. The moment spies notice, things are going to go so far south, it’ll actually be going north.

RJ: Well, it does take everything you got. And taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.



Either way, you are a free pony from here on out. But if I may be honest,



Steel: [Spyglass] “The whole thing with, uh... yeah. Don’t do that.”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “—we’re going to throw you back in the barrel regardless.”



I would like to take you on as a crew member,” Spyglass stated.



Steel: [Spyglass] “You start tomorrow, and if you’re fired, we throw you overboard.”

SC276: We already knew that. Move on already.



“What is to be done with him?” Rye asked, finally finding his voice.



Sigma: [Glass] “Well, we considered making breakfast from him, but then his bones shattered so much it’d be too hard to pick the pieces out. So we settled for making a scarecrow out of him. See, we already have the sticks in his limbs!”

Steel: [Periscope] “GOD DAMN IT, GLASS, STOP WAVING HIS LEGS AROUND! That’s horrible!”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “Check it out! I can make him to the can-can!”



His words were squeaky and scratchy and he felt humiliated as his voice cracked,



NaturalGlitch: “It actually had the opposite effect, and they became enamored with him, braiding his mane and everything.”



surrounded as he was by such a gruff crowd.



Steel: He felt like a tiny colt in a biker gang’s bar. Nothing gives a kid five o’clock shadow faster!

SC276: “WHO BLEW THIS BUBBLE?!”



“He is a fop and a dandy. And he peddles flesh.



NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “But I’m a vegan!” <Spyglass facehooves>



I could deal with any two out of those three things, but alas, he is guilty of all three.



RJ: [Spyglass] The fopping and peddling is fine, but the dandy? Oh, you do not do that in front of me.

JofY: Ack! He’s rich and British!



I cannot stand ponies that wear clothing.



NaturalGlitch: ...even in winter time?



It is most unnatural,”



Sigma: If Rarity were here, she’d murder him in the fucking face.

Steel: Nah. She’d just make more clothes... from his body.

Topher: I’m pretty sure that is the subject of several fanfics already.



Spyglass replied. “We were never meant to wear clothing like the minotaurs.”



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Though considering how often you seem to… Become interested, so to speak, maybe we should get you some pants. Some very tight and concealing pants. Look, kid, you have too many boners.”

Steel: [Rye] “What?! No! Impossible! Master said I had a very regular amount of boners!”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “Bah. Of course the spoiled bastard would say that. Probably expects twenty boners on a bad day, rich arse.”

SC276: ...The only canon minotaur in MLP just wears a tie. ...Well and his headset, but that’s an accessory.



“To Tartarus with the lot of you… even you Rye,” Lace Collar spat.



Steel: [Lace] “And just to make sure, fuck whatever generation you give birth to! The entire lot!”

Sigma: [Lace] “Actually, let ME fuck them! Corpses can still hold erections for several hours, you know!”

Topher: Nope, not googling that.

NaturalGlitch: <eye twitches> Why.



“And he is rude. Ugh, somepony throw him overboard,” Spyglass commanded.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Actually, we need some more fish. Use him as bait to catch a shark.”

NaturalGlitch: They accidentally catch a few mere-ponies. [Spyglass] “...I’m happy about this.”



Rye gasped as a pegasus took wing and snatched up Lace Collar.



Steel: [Magnifying Glass] “TO THE SEA WITH YE! We, we are supposed to throw him in—” [Spyglass] “Yes. Toss him into the sea.”

SC276: “Sorry, Doctor, but if I want to keep my beak in one piece, orders are orders!”



The unicorn screamed, a ragged cry of fear and panic as he was lifted.



Sigma: [Lace] “I can’t lift, though! I have slaves do lifting for me! Keeps me very well in shape!”

Steel: [Spyglass] “...Oh my God, don’t tear him in half!” [Magnifying Glass] “Wait, but we already beat him up! I wasn’t supposed to do this!?” [Spyglass] “NO, YOU BLASTED IDIOT! Just toss him overboard! LISTEN TO ME!”

SC276: DO U EVEN LIFT



And then without further ado, he was thrown over the rail.



Steel: [Telescope] “Should we really have thrown him into the Mermaid City?” [Magnifying Glass] “Eh, they’ll do fine.”

SC276: But they didn’t get him over the other rail. They were fine with that, as he was soon run over by a train.

NaturalGlitch: [Lace] “Wheeeeee—ouch, my bones!—eeeeeee!”



Rye Mash could hear his master screaming for quite some time afterward.



Sigma: Anyone else find that improbable based on the descriptions of his wounds?

Steel: Talk about rubbing salt into the wound…

Topher: I’m just trying to figure out how high up they are, since they can’t be too far up if they can still hear him. Sky pirates aren’t very intimidating if they’re only a few feet above the ocean.



He gulped and looked around him.



Steel: [Rye] “I LAMENT MY WEAK BOWELS!”

NaturalGlitch: “The pile of filth that evacuated from Rye was so toxic it bled through the hull of the ship, causing it to crash, killing everyone on board.”



After the screaming finally faded away, he gathered up the courage to speak.



Sigma: [Rye] “I came.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “...We noticed.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “...still going, actually.”



“You would really let me go?” he asked.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “No. We’ve been lying to you this whole time. This is a hidden camera show, and you’ve just been Saddle’d!”

Steel: [Rye] “Saddled with what?” [Spyglass] “CRIPPLING DEBT!”



“I do not tolerate slavery.



Steel: [Rye] “I do.” [Spyglass] “...”



And I really am sorry that my crew rolled you in the barrel.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “They were supposed to roll you in the paper, but we found out at the last second that you weren’t just a giant bit of doobie.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “We blame Oracle for that one.” [Oracle] “I CAN SEE FOR LIGHT YEARS!”

SC276: But how else was he going to do a StarFox impression?

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “That’s where we keep our leaches, by the way.”



You were placed in there for your own safety.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Also for shits and giggles.”

SC276: [Spyglass] “You can walk those splinters off, right?”

Steel: [Periscope] “You’re lucky! If this happened tomorrow, you woulda been used in the Annual Barrel Rolling Contest. Those go for hours.”



Sometimes, some of my crew are not the brightest ponies in the herd,” Spyglass replied.



RJ: [Oracle] “I like the taste of glass! It tastes like clear!”



“But I was threatened with death and all manner of torture,” Rye retorted.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Ah, shit, he noticed! Okay everyone, take two!”

Steel: [Rye] “LINE! What’s my line!?”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “It says here you like that sort of thing, and we wanted you to feel welcome.”



“Well, you are a unicorn.



Steel: [Rye] “I actually just glued my master’s son’s dick to my forehead. I’ve been an earth pony all along.”

NaturalGlitch: Wow, what a dickhead.



We didn’t want you hurting us and I didn’t want my crew hurting you in return.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Which is why we instead hurt you indirectly. Can’t blame us for using you as a barrel in Smash.”

SC276: [Periscope] “Sorry it exploded, by the way.”

Steel: [Rye] “How’d you— oh God, my guts...” [Magnifying Glass] “WE LACED YOUR DRINK WITH LAXATIVES! MWAHAHAHAHA!”



We had to subdue you and find out who you were.



Steel: [Spyglass] “I admit, breaking my scabbard over your head may have been going overboard... oh for the love of, hide your shame!” [Rye] “THERE IS NOTHING SHAMEFUL ABOUT MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS!”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “Your ‘shame’ breaking apart the ship! We’re going to crash!”



I hope there are no hard feelings.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Aside from the ones you already have down below.” [Rye] “Yeah, the more I look at Lace’s floating corpse, the stiffer it gets. I think I might be able to weaponise this.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Please don’t. For all our sakes.”



I really am sorry and I apologise on behalf of my crew.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “They’re all idiots and think apology is a kind of food.”

Steel: [Rye] “NO! No, don’t apologi— ah, damn it, it’s gonna be a week before I get another!”



I need a few sharper minds to help run the show



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “I tried to use a pencil sharpener on their minds, but they haven’t been the same since.”



and I could really use a unicorn,” Spyglass said in a well cultured voice that dripped with raw charisma.



Sigma: [Periscope] “Sir, you’re drooling bullshit again.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Really? Oh, whoops, thought I fixed that... ugh, brown this time...”

SC276: It only started doing that now? And not when he was trying to realign this kid’s worldview?



“I am not much of a unicorn,”



Sigma: [Rye] “I’m a transracial who identifies as a Pegasus, thank you very much.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “If I don’t see wings, you aren’t a Pegasus.”



Rye said. “I am fit to be servant and little else,” he said.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Did you just forget to say ‘a servant’, or did I do more damage than I thought...?”

SC276: You’re being auditioned for cabin boy, it’s effectively the same thing.

NaturalGlitch: But with all the benefits of having all the grog you can stomach; don’t forget that part.



“They would tell you that,” a voice said. A female voice.



Steel: [Rye] “HOLY CRAP, IT’S A MARE!”

Sigma: [Rye] “SHIT, GIRLS, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT! Are they… Are they people? Like us?”

SC276: And cue the love interest!



Rye turned his head.



Steel: [Spyglass] “A neck isn’t supposed to bend backwards like that!”

Sigma: Maybe he’s a praying mantis.

Steel: Please no. I need no more nightmares.

NaturalGlitch: Suddenly this turns into the Exorcists.



A mare approached and the crew



Steel: All started to feel like Rye.

NaturalGlitch: Until she couldn’t stop her massive farting. Well, all but Rye.



made room for her as she passed through the crowd.



Steel: [Telescope] “Don’t hurt me...”

NaturalGlitch: [Telescope] “You give my brain fire and make me feel so precious! Ahhh!”



She was a unicorn.



Steel: Secret was, she’s a dude who cut off her own dick, then had Periscope jack up the pitch in her voice. DON’T TELL ANYONE, AND DON’T STARE AT HER HORN.



One eye blinked and then the other did a moment later.



Steel: She would later give birth to an alligator.



She twitched and jerked as she walked.



Steel: ...Has this girl been into Oracle’s stash? She’s tweaking hard.

Sigma: “Ah, shit, did we forget to debug the android OS again?”

Steel: “FUCKING CLOCK ‘98!”

SC276: ~I’ve got no strings / to hold me down…~

NaturalGlitch: [Velvet] “That’s some go~od Root Beer...”



She froze for a moment, craned her head,



Steel: And the sound of a shotgun cocking was heard.

NaturalGlitch: Ah, so she’s actually a crane. The equipment of the bird?



and then seemed to stare at something that wasn’t there.



Steel: Oh God, she’s staring right at us! DON’T LOOK AT THE HORN, DON’T LOOK AT THE HORN!

Topher: *Face Melts*



She then turned her gaze back upon Rye.



Sigma: [Rye] “Hello, I-” [Velvet] “I WANT TO MAKE BANGING TO YOUR FACE.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “I’m... I-I’m sorry, she, uh, she was reimaged two days ago... we’re still working on her.”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “I hope she means with a hammer!” [Spyglass] “...she does.” [Rye, extremely giddy] “Eeeeeeehehehehe!~”



“Let me guess… you are a type one or a type two.



Sigma: [Velvet] “Type 0-HD, actually, but they didn’t bother fixing the background textures on me.”

Steel: [Velvet] “I HAD TO FIX MY BOOT SECTORS MYSELF.”



And you spent your entire time in school being told how worthless you were and how lucky you were that you have even a little bit of magic,”



NaturalGlitch: [Velvet] “I’m reading your backstory in the script here. I wish there was a better way to express plot exposition.”



the mare said in a wavering and somewhat manic voice.



Steel: [Velvet] “I CAN SEE YOUR PAST, PRESENT, AND F-F-F-F-F-FU-FU-F-FUT- ERROR-ERROR-ERROR”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “Ah, fucking hell, Periscope, I told you to install the fucking antivirus!”

SC276: [Periscope] “Maybe you should’ve specified whether it was Avast or McAfee then!”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “I SAID KASPERSKY, you nincompoop!”



Rye nodded and his words died in his throat once again.



Steel: His throat must look worse than Paschendale circa 1918 at this point.

SC276: With slightly less grace than Pompeii.



“This is Cerise Velvet. Formerly of the House Evening Star.



Sigma: [Periscope] “She came free with the dishwasher!”

Steel: [Spyglass] “No wonder she breaks down so often.”

SC276: OK, one house gets the fancy word for greed, and another gets a plain English noun?

NaturalGlitch: Maybe they’re a night class? I dunno.



Now my first mate.



Steel: Oh God, SHE’S PERISCOPE?

SC276: [Periscope] “I thought I was your first mate!”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “Hush, Periscope, we can’t piss her off.”



She had a bit of a falling out with her family when she found out how they made their money,”



NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “They had an actual hugging booth! Can you believe it?!”



Spyglass said as he introduced the mare.



Sigma: [Velvet] “THEY POSED ME WHEN I WAS IN STANDBY AND SOLD PICTURES OF MY CHASSIS IN IMPROPER POSITIONS. I WAS NOT PLEASED.”

Steel: [Velvet] “THeiR Bl-BLOOD NOW O-OiLS MY GEARS.” [Rye] “...Where have you been all my life...?”



“Everypony calls her Bloody Velvet.



SC276: [Spyglass] “We tried calling her ‘Bloody Mary,’ but then someone tried to call for her three times in a row while in the bathroom.”

Topher: Excuse me while I go invent a bloody velvet cocktail.



I wouldn’t cross her if I was you,” the pegasus warned.



Steel: Holy fuck, you were right, Sigma.

Sigma: Huh, guess there IS a first time for everything.



The unicorn mare smiled a lopsided smile.



NaturalGlitch: [Velvet] “Fear is your new god now.”



“He is far too young and innocent to cross me. Aren’t you?” she asked of Rye Mash.



Steel: [Rye] “YES, YES I AM. ALSO CAN I HAVE HOT, DANGEROUS COITUS WITH YOUR NETHER REGIONS?”

Sigma: [Velvet] “YOU NEED TO DEFRAGMENT MY HARD DI-Di-DISK DRIVE AND REPLACE MY VAGINAL COOLING UNIT.”

Steel: [Rye] “Don’t need the latter. Nothing is too hot for my cock.”



He nodded and backed away from her. Something about her was terrifying.



Steel: [Rye] “I CAN’T MOVE WITH THIS BONER.”

Topher: At this point I don’t think he’s even standing. I think he’s suspended in the air, balancing on his erection.

NaturalGlitch: Hopefully it realizes how bendy it is and snaps in half.



“You… you are a type three, aren’t you?” Rye asked in a worried tone. “And you have the shivers.”



Steel: [Rye] “I didn’t know you could GET Type-3 diabetes! Tell me your secret.”

SC276: Did they explain what any of the types actually are? I lost track.



Bloody Velvet nodded. “I am. And I do,” she replied.



NaturalGlitch: [Velvet] “I wouldn't have the shivers if somepony didn’t throw out all my sweaters.”



She jerked again, her leg kicking the deck and her hoof made a solid thump.



Steel: She fell into the water through the hole she made.

NaturalGlitch: It was the closest she has ever been to a bath.



Rye felt a twinge of pity.



Steel: [Rye] “Wait... no. Something else twinged, sorry.” [Velvet] “SCANS DETECT ERECT PHALLUS. NOT MEDICALLY POSSIBLE.” [Rye] “AROUND YOU, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!”

Sigma: [Periscope] “Cap’n? I’m scared.” [Spyglass] “Hush, Periscope, they’re gonna notice. Now get that cannon moving, they’re almost in its sights…”

Steel: [Periscope] “On it...” [Velvet] “I DETECT FEAR.” [Periscope] “OH GOD!”



The shivers was a common affliction among the Canterlot nobles.



Steel: I KNEW THE BUILDINGS WERE WHITE FOR A REASON!

NaturalGlitch: “They would often put ants in their pants because it was the latest fad.”



Unicorns with too much power and not enough control.



Steel: Too much power and not enough control? So everybody was Cyclops?

SC276: Are you trying to tell me the love interest is someone poised to explode the moment her concentration slips? If that doesn’t produce sexual tension, I don’t know what will.

Steel: [Rye] “That... is... SO... HOT.”



Usually they were kept away from the public,



NaturalGlitch: [Velvet] “I all did was sneeze and suddenly the orphanage was gone.”



hidden away in a quiet place so nothing would spook them and invite potential catastrophe.



Sigma: It was known as a LAN party.

Steel: [Velvet] “COUNTER STRIKE IS A PROFESSIONAL SPORT.” [Spyglass] “Periscope, you didn’t...” [Periscope] “All I did was play two games with her, I swear!”

SC276: ~They’re coming to take me away, ha ha / They’re coming to take me away, ho ho...~



And yet here one was serving on a ship full of ruffians and ne’er do wells.



Steel: [Rye] “Such rapscallions and scallywags!” [Spyglass] “We are not evildoers or villains!” [Velvet] “THESAURUS OVERFLOW.”

NaturalGlitch: [Velvet] “Form of...1000 wolves! You will be the first in the river of blood!”



Rye was no longer certain they were pirates.



Sigma: [Rye] “They didn’t even use uTorrent! They just had Limewire! LIMEWIRE! Can you believe that?”

Steel: [Periscope] “Hey! You try and find something that works reliably with satellite connections!”



The unicorn colt realised that he could not return to Canterlot.



Steel: [Rye] “No... but... b-but the police state... the brutality... the constant jailing! HOW WILL I GO ON!?”

SC276: Just give him Tetris. He’ll be fine.



He couldn’t believe that he was contemplating joining this crew,



NaturalGlitch: “They did, after all, brutally murder his master.”



not after what had just happened to Lace Collar.



Sigma: [Rye] “Normally I’d INSTANTLY join a group of people who do kinky shit like that.”



But



Steel: [Rye] “How could I not...? Especially with Bloody Velvet here...”

SC276: [Rye] “Must follow explosive love interest.”

Topher: *pulls out a cigar and a fake mustache* I’ve heard of some dames being ticking time bombs, but this is ridiculous!



he didn’t know where else to go or what to do.



Sigma: He considered making Lace’s corpse a sex toy/hand puppet and become a performance artist, but he found his hand got stuck with all the jizz in there.

Steel: [Rye] “Oh, I know exactly what to do. The problem is finding where it’s legal. And a proper solvent for making jizz not so sticky.”

Topher: For a while Rye Mash thought the shark bites would make it difficult, but in the end he found that they presented more variety.



“I accept your offer of employment,” Rye said in a quavering voice.



Steel: [Rye] “Maybe if I play the ‘scared little boy’ card, someone will sneak into my room! And then the fun will commence...”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “And you’re fired.” <he shoots Rye out of a cannon>



“Fantastic!” Spyglass exclaimed. “Velvet, could you be a dear and show this young colt to his quarters?



Sigma: [Velvet] “I ACCEPT ONLY SILVER COINS IN MY SLOT, SIR, QUARTERS ARE FOR PUS-PUS-PUS-QUEER LITTLE BABY MEN.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Nickels are even smaller, though!” [Velvet] “NOT WHERE I PUT THEM.”



Place him in the old quartermaster’s nook.



Steel: [Velvet] “NOOK DESIGNATED AS TARGET. CALCULATING BEST WAY TO BEND RYE.”

SC276: Preferably, before being made into the bread.

Topher: Or let him ferment and drink him later. I’m thinking Mashmeister if it’s an ale, or Ponybrau if it’s a lager.



You two can talk about unicorn stuff…



Steel: [Spyglass] “...Unicorn stuff. Magic. Horns. Spells. Just... just that, okay? Talking.”

Sigma: [Velvet] “WE WILL TALK. POST-COITAL CONVERSING IS A STANDARD SOCIETAL PRACTICE, IS IT NOT.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “DAMN IT, VELVET, MY CREW DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER CASE OF NIGHT TERRORS!”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “Um... So, who does your horn filing?”



get acquainted. Give him some time to calm down and collect his thoughts.



Steel: [Rye] “I won’t need much time... not much at all...”

NaturalGlitch: [Rye] “And...done.”



I am sure that today has been most trying.”



Sigma: [Rye] “Not really, sir.” [Spyglass] “It was trying for us, Rye.”

Steel: [Rye] “NOT ME.”



“Wait, I must ask, what happened to the crew of the ship that Lace Collar and I were traveling on?” Rye questioned.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Oh, shit, we forgot about them.”

Steel: [Periscope] “We didn’t light them on fire, did we? I can’t remember.”

Sigma: [Rye] “...That sounds ho-” [Spyglass] “Rye, don’t finish that sentence. For my sanity’s sake.”



“They are below decks in the brig. They are being treated well.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Ignore the air quotes.”

SC276: [Spyglass] “That I am making with my claw hands- I mean hooves.”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “They’re all getting crunk on my imported Root Beer; it’s cherry flavored.”



I plan to release them once we reach land.



Steel: [Rye] “Release them to me. I’ll treat them properly.”

NaturalGlitch: [Spyglass] “—by firing them off our ship with our cannons.”



A few resisted and were subdued. One was killed because he would not submit.



SC276: When FIMFiction got demanding.



We don’t like killing but sometimes it must be done,” Spyglass replied.



Steel: [Oracle] “HIS BLOOD WAS MADE OF RAINBOWS.” [Spyglass] “SHUT UP, ORACLE!”



A strange sense of confusion settled over Rye Mash after hearing the captain’s words.



Sigma: [Rye] “I’m so confused. There’s more than one way to get instant half mast?”

Steel: [Rye] “And it’s a requirement?” [Spyglass] “I didn’t say that!”



The newspapers always had stories of how Spyglass never took prisoners



NaturalGlitch: “He has all the episodes on DVD, but lost his player.”



and never left anypony alive.



Sigma: Like the Dread Pirate Roberts! Wait, no, that’s from a much better story...

Steel: Like the one we’re writing right now!

SC276: Roberts would’ve just iocaine powder’d someone.



He had always trusted the newspapers as a source of truth.



Steel: [Rye] “I knew Starlight Stage had ten kids so she could join the Illuminati and conquer the world! I KNEW IT!”

SC276: And now the Daily Prophet. This airship of the sky pirates has taken a left turn into the Harry Potter universe, and I just realized I have not made nearly enough Klonoa 2 jokes.

NaturalGlitch: Wha-hoo!



Lace Collar and his family owned several newspapers in a few different cities.



NaturalGlitch: They had to potty train Rye somehow.



They were considered a bastion of integrity and truth.



Sigma: So, basically, they were Fox News and everywhere was Alabama?

Steel: [Rye] “THE FOX IS MY SAVIOR, AND TRUTH IS MY SWORD! RACE MIXING WAS A BAD IDEA!!”



Rye said nothing, but intended to ask the captain a few questions in private when he got the chance.



Sigma: Questions such as, ‘How much do I have to pay you to whip me?’ and ‘Are you sure you don’t want to punish me for oh-so accidentally spilling the rum?’

Steel: [Rye] “Also, ‘Why does Oracle keep trying to smoke me?’ In the non-friendly way.”



“Follow me,” Bloody Velvet commanded, her voice cutting through Rye’s confusion.



Steel: [Rye] “YES, MY ANGEL OF DEATH.”

NaturalGlitch: [Velvet] “Into the barrel with you.”



The young colt did as he was bid.



Steel: He couldn’t stop hopping and singing with glee.

SC276: The highest he was bid was to follow her, but the next-highest was the Charleston.



He walked behind her and looked around him at the crew who were already starting to disperse to do their work.



Sigma: Even though they were all magic talking anthro hedgehogs, none of them could run fast enough to escape him.

SC276: They’re glad the scene’s over too.



His eyes met several of those around him. He saw smiling friendly faces. Hopeful faces.



Steel: They were fake.

SC276: ~Smiling hopeful faces feeling glad…~

NaturalGlitch: [Pirates, creepy smile] “Welcome!”



He did not see the faces of pirates.



Steel: Just victims.



Author's Note:

Why yes, Bloody Velvet does come from the same house as Twilight Sparkle's family in The Chase.



NaturalGlitch: PFFFFFT-AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!



How observant of you to notice.



Sigma: We didn’t. We also don’t care.

Steel: And thus, Twilight’s robotic personality is explained. THEY WERE ALL MACHINES.

Sigma: What about Sweetie Bot?

SC276: Maybe Rarity’s family line branched off at some point, like with Pinkie and the Apples?



I hope you enjoyed the opening chapter.



Steel: I did. I have never been so inspired to write a fic about a high pirate, a sadomasochist, and a glitchy robot.

Sigma: WE enjoyed it, but is HE going to enjoy seeing what we did?

Steel: Who cares? I’m gonna love his reaction!

SC276: I think I lost track of the franchise we’re in. When does the subjugation of humanity happen? …...I have just been informed by myself from the future that this isn’t the promised Chat fic. My bad.



For those of you that haven't read The Chase, a number of things might not make sense.



NaturalGlitch: Please go infect a different fandom, please. We have enough of your kind.



So go read The Chase.



Steel: HAVING WAY TOO FUN MUCH OVER HERE, CAN’T HEAR YOUR SWILL ABOUT CONTEXT!

Sigma: Hey, author, a story needs to stand on its own. Basic rule of writing.

SC276: This reminds me of one of my first fanfics… I listed a bunch of fics that were inspirations for it and drew canon from. One of them was a crack fic.



Reviews of the opening chapter are most welcomed and greatly appreciated. So thanks.



Steel: Review it? Okay, here’s your review: REWRITE IT, THIS STORY WE’RE DOING IS SO MUCH BETTER.

NaturalGlitch: “Except ones that don’t give me pure adoration. Anything else will be deleted.”



And let me know if I missed any typos. I think I got most of them. But a few always manage to slip through.



Sigma: Bowchickabowwow.

SC276: Well, credit where it’s due, I didn’t notice any stand-out typesmanship errors. Which makes how terrible the actual content of the story is stand out.



Chapter 2



SC276: Oh god, there’s more.



Rye found that his quarters were distressingly small.



Steel: [Rye] “Bloody Velvet? My angel? Why did you stick me in the closet?”

SC276: Because there weren’t any cupboards under the stairway.



He had seen closets larger than the tiny room that was meant to be his.



Sigma: And he would know, his room WAS a closet. It let him get close to his master’s clothes, and he could acquire their scents.

Steel: [Rye] “The kids made jokes for days about me coming out of my room each morning... I showed them all.”



He supposed it was better than sleeping in a common room like most of the crew.



Steel: [Rye] “What? No it’s not! I can’t be near their squishy bodies! But, but my angel is on the other side of the door... NNNNGH, NO, THIS IS TORTURE!”



There was a hammock and there was a tiny narrow desk that folded into the wall.



Steel: [Rye] “And why is there a desk in here?!” [Velvet] “SO YOU CAN WRITE ON IT, UNIT-RYE.” [Rye] “IT’S SIDEWAYS AND PRESSED AGAINST MY FACE!”

Sigma: [Velvet] “EVENTUALLY YOU SHALL MAKE AN IMPRINT UPON IT AND I WILL HAVE A PART OF YOU FOREVER.”

Steel: [Rye] “BUT MY ANGEL, KEEP MY BODY AND YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE ME!”

SC276: Murphy desk!



“How is Canterlot?”



Steel: [Rye] “Well for one, it isn’t a fucking closet!”



Rye turned to look at Bloody Velvet.



Sigma: However, he got stuck on the wall due to his raging erection and was unable to turn further.

Steel: [Rye] “CURSE MY LOVE! AND THIS PAIN IS JUST MAKING ME HARDER! HELP!”



Her pelt was a fiery orange and her mane and tail were a bright bloody red.



Steel: [Rye] “Like the fiery destruction of my master’s manor... ohh... ohhhhh... s-so much blood...”



She was twitching and the corner of her mouth kept jerking into a lopsided smile. She was distractingly beautiful.



Sigma: [Rye] “I thought no one could ever be prettier than the Joker… But now…”

Steel: [Rye] “Gotham... you hid her from me... no crueler act has been performed on my mind...”



“Canterlot is probably much the same as it was when you left,” Rye replied.



Steel: [Velvet] “THE CITY IS STILL RIOTING?” [Rye] “No, no... I wish it were, though.”



“It is the eternal city. Nothing ever seems to change there,” he said.



Sigma: Boy, is HE gonna be in for a surprise.

Steel: Surprise? What surprise? Am I gonna laugh at said surprise?

SC276: Well it managed to recover from a changeling attack easily enough.



Bloody Velvet’s back arched for a moment and a leg kicked outwards.



Steel: [Rye] “NO! NO, OPEN THE DOOR AND DO THAT AGAIN! I SWEAR TO GOD, NARRATOR, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, AND I WILL DO UNSPEAKABLE THINGS THAT WOULD CURDLE THE BLOOD OF THE ELDER GODS!”

Cthulhu: “DUDE, I AM TRYING TO SLEEP HERE, STOP GIVING ME NIGHTMARES!”



“I have things to do.



Steel: [Rye] “With me? Please say yes.”



I expect that the captain will be by to speak with you at some point.



Steel: [Rye] “No! No, he-he can wait!”



Settle in and get some rest.



Steel: [Rye] “I CAN NEVER REST LIKE THIS! IT’S A CLOSET AND I CAN STILL HEAR YOU! I WILL NEVER KNOW REST WITHOUT YOUR TOUCH!”



The captain is a very productive pony. He expects all of us to work tirelessly at our jobs.



SC276: [Velvet] “WHICH IS WHY IT IS VERY EASY FOR ME.”



He had to throw the last cabin colt overboard,” she said as she turned to leave.

“WHAT?” Rye shouted.



Sigma: [Rye] “I am outraged that I didn’t get that treatment! That would’ve been hot as hell!”

Steel: [Rye] “Did... d-did you record it? PLEASE TELL ME YOU RECORDED IT.”



Bloody Velvet turned back around and one eye fluttered as she glanced at Rye Mash.



Steel: [Rye] “I AM GOING TO MURDER YOUR FACE NARRATOR! GET THIS DOOR OUT OF MY WAY!”



“The last cabin colt was thrown overboard. He was lazy, he was sloppy, and he tried to betray the captain in the middle of combat. Tried to shoot the captain in the back. Stupid colt,” Bloody Velvet said.



Sigma: [Velvet] “ALL PROPER STUDENTS OF LANGUAGE WOULD BE AWARE THAT YOU STAB PEOPLE IN THE BACK. SHOOTING DOES NOT WORK. THERE IS A REASON THE PHRASE IS WHAT IT IS.”

Steel: [Rye] “Oh, yes, I agree! Please, please give me details. Especially about the fight. Gripping details. And open the door.”



“Oh… oh my,” Rye gasped. “I would never do anything like that,” he said.



Steel: [Rye] “Unless you promised to whip me. Then I would betray you any day of the week. ...Shit, that came out wrong!”



“No. You wouldn’t. You’re fragile and prissy. You’d be too scared to ever pull a stupid stunt like that,” Bloody Velvet agreed.



Steel: [Velvet] “YOU WOULD BREAK UNDER MY HOOF LIKE A TWIG.”

Sigma: [Rye] “Oh, FUCK YEAH I would. *shivers*”



Hot shame flooded through Rye’s face.



RJ: And out Rye’s crotch. Or we’re calling it shame at least.



“I am not prissy,” he spat. “I’m cultured!”



Steel: [Rye] “But, but there’s many other things that are bad about me! I’m weak! I’m frail! Please, please continue!”

Discord: Oh for goodness’ sake!



“Yeah yeah, I’ve heard this all before,” the mare said as she turned to leave.



Steel: [Rye] “SWEET, LOVING REJECTION!”



“There is a woollen blanket in the cabinet under the desk. It gets cold at night up here at the higher altitudes.”



Steel: [Rye] “...Can... can you open the door? Let me see your face, before the glorious sun dips below the horizon...?”



She turned to look over her shoulder and gave Rye a final glance.



Steel: [Velvet] “NO.”



“You seem nice. Life up here tends to make ponies not nice. Try to stay nice, okay?” she said as she departed.



Sigma: Rye moaned like a wild boar as he released the massive orgasm he was holding in.

Steel: [Rye] “My angel, my cruel, cruel angel... such agony... oh God, I was so hard I’m chafing! Ow! OW!”

SC276: Stay nice so that you die quicker.



Rye stood alone in his quarters.



Steel: [Rye] “Crushed against the wall, actually!”



It was narrow and long.



Sigma: But not as narrow and long as his massive erection, which, for the first time in twelve hours, began to recede.

Steel: [Rye] “Note to self, re-organize closet-room-thing...!”



He pulled the door shut and sat down near the desk, settling onto the wood floor.



Steel: [Rye] “Much better. But now I can’t lie down...”



The ponies around him may or not be pirates,



Steel: It was always so hard to see their eyes behind the bandannas, broken glasses, eye patches and other eyewear. [Rye] “...Oh my God, I’m on a ship full of vampires.”



but they seemed quite comfortable with casual acts of killing.



SC276: Well the last cabin boy tried to kill the captain, so that was justified at least… I mean, for pirates.



He shuddered, a cold tingling sensation running up and down his spine.



Sigma: It was the returning of his arousal.

Steel: [Rye] “Like ice down my spine, I become harder than a blade...”



His master Lace Collar was gone. And he was free. He didn’t know how to feel about his freedom.



Sigma: “Master gave Dobby a sock! Dobby is FREE!”

Steel: [Rye] “What is freedom if I cannot know enslavement anymore!? THIS IS SO OVERRATED!”

SC276: Yes, free as the wind that you’re feeling on the small pirate ship who knows how many miles in the air.



If he ever returned to Canterlot, there would be Tartarus to pay.



Steel: [Rye] “Ohhhh, I can picture it now...”

SC276: They tripled the interest rate last month.



Rye supposed that if things didn’t work out here that he could try to return home to the isles. He wondered if he had any family there. He could only barely remember that he had family. All he had was hazy memories.



Steel: [Rye] “I wonder if I have a big sister?”

Sigma: [Rye] “I hope she’s not submissive, that’s no fun at all!”

SC276: Her name is… I dunno, Wheat.



There was a faint rapping at the door.



Steel: [Rye] “Oh thank goodness, someone to open the door!”

Sigma: [Rye] “TUPAC?! I thought you died!”

Steel: [Rye] “Oh my God, YOU’RE A GHOST! THAT’S WHY IT’S FAINT RAPPING!”

SC276: ~Kick, punch, it’s all in the mind...~



Rye turned to look and then opened the narrow plank door with his magic.



Steel: [Rye] “...CAPTAIN SPYGLASS TOLD ME THIS DOOR WAS LOCKED!”



There was a crew member standing there.



Steel: [Rye] “You aren’t Bloody Velvet.”

SC276: His ID card said “Generic Not-Pirate #6592.”

Sigma: I vote to name him Telescope.



“A few things for you sir, some of the baubles that were taken from the fop,” the crewmember said.



Sigma: [Telescope] “Please don’t steal my anus.”

Steel: [Rye] “Hmm... you are spared. For now.”

SC276: [Telescope] “Y’know, what we took off him before we threw him over the side and hope he didn’t land someplace soft.”



“Thank you,” Rye said graciously, taking the bag in his magic. When the crewmember turned to go,



Steel: [Rye] “...Really? No, I said he was spared!”



Rye shut the door.



Steel: The pirate ran for safety, saying thanks to every God he knew for another day of life.



He unfolded the desk from the wall and set the bag down.



Steel: [Rye] “Hope Bloody Velvet minds that I’m using her desk...”



He opened it up and began to pull out its contents.



Sigma: [Rye] “Bills, bills, porn, dick pills, dick bills… Ah, my subscription of ‘Fucked Up Shit Weekly’ arrived!”

SC276: Let me guess, he only reads it for the articles?

Sigma: Actually, yes. He gets off to the obituaries.



There was a small tobacco snuff box made from silver and ivory. Rye shivered. Making something from another animal’s teeth. It was something that Lace Collar shouldn’t have…



Steel: [Rye] “Lace, you monster... *shivers*, I’m going to be on edge for a week now...”



and made Rye quite puzzled. Lace Collar hated tobacco use. He called it vile and boorish.



Steel: [Rye] “He lied to me about being a whipping colt. He lied about this as well!”



He pushed the snuff box aside for a moment and continued to plunder the bag.



Steel: [Rye] “Why is there a crusty magazine called ‘Finances Weekly’ in here...? It’s sticky...”



There was a bottle of cologne,



Steel: [Rye] “All the better to choke you with, my dear! Ugh.”



a bar of sealing wax,



Steel: [Rye] “How the hell do you seal cracks with this? Oh, wait... I was wondering why there were blocks shoved into the walls.”



and a small silver sealing wand with the symbol of House Avarice, which was a set of scales.



Steel: [Rye] “...Was that an explosion?” [Spyglass] “AH, DAMN IT! PERISCOPE, VELVET’S IRONY METER JUST EXPLODED AGAIN!”

Sigma: [Periscope] “Sir, I TOLD you we should remove that thing and put in a motion sensing pinball table!” [Spyglass] “And I told YOU I’m not giving you an excuse to slap Velvet’s asscheeks back and forth!”

Steel: [Periscope] “YOU’RE NO FUN, CAPTAIN!” [Spyglass] “AND YOU’RE AN IDIOT! NOW FIX HER!”

SC276: So does that make Lace the Jack of Scales? And if he’s dead, that means someone’s getting a scepter!



There was a small bag filled with coins of all kinds. Equestrian bits, griffon dollars, and the small horn shaped bits of precious metal that the minotaurs used.

There was nothing particularly special in the bag.



Steel: [Rye] “But the bag itself... hehe... heeeellooooo, new blindfold and gag...”

SC276: Hey, if you don’t want the money, I’ll take it. Just throw it towards the screen, I’ll get it somehow.



Rye finally opened the snuff tin, his nose crinkling in disgust.



Sigma: [Rye] “Fucking amateur.”

Steel: [Rye] “You’re supposed to keep pony testicles in cold temperatures, not next to the furnace of your body... I learned that the hard way.”



The smell of the snuff was nauseating. There was also a bit of bone white parchment sticking out.



Steel: [Rye] “I’d better keep this away from Oracle...”



Rye carefully pinched it in his magic and pulled it free from the snuff. It was a tightly rolled strip of parchment.



Steel: [Rye] “Yes, the repetition isn’t needed, Narrator.”

SC276: We already knew that! Move on already!



He unrolled the parchment and looked at it. It was covered in letters.



SC276: As opposed to a Playcolt centerfold.



It was all garble though. There were no words, only a jumble of letters. Rye thoughtfully considered the letters as he stared at them.



Steel: [Rye] “I CAN HEAR THE VOICES TALKING ABOUT PARCHMENT, MAN!” “Oh, for the love of the seven seas, THERE ARE NO VOICES, ORACLE!”



“Hello, I’ve found a code,” he mumbled to himself.



Steel: [Rye] “Reveal your kinky secrets to me, Lace, and I will practice them dutifully...”



This was perhaps a chance to get on the captain's good side.



Steel: [Rye] “Captain Spyglass is going to love this. ...I think he’s into this kind of thing. I’ll ask Velvet when she’s fixed.”

SC276: Well codebreaking might get you in with Twilight, but I don’t think she’s born yet.



Telling the captain that he had found a coded message and presenting it to him would surely be seen as a sign of loyalty.



Steel: [Rye] “That makes absolutely no sense, Narrator, but I’ll run with it!”

Sigma: And so, he ran with it. Yaaaaay!

Steel: Straight into a wall.

SC276: Through the wall, actually. And through the hull.



And Rye wanted to make sure that the captain knew that he was loyal.



Steel: [Rye] “Because then, when I betray him, his punishment will be more harsh! And I’ll have to do more things to earn his trust again! It’s brilliant!”



The last thing Rye wanted was to suddenly find himself tossed over the rail. He wasn’t sure where they were, but they were over the ocean. And it would be a long way down.



Steel: [Rye] “I’ll wait until we’re on an island, and then betray him.”

Sigma: [Rye] “I’ll blame the sea turtles. No one ever expects the sea turtles.”

SC276: Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle turtle!



It had been a long day.



Steel: [Rye] “And not a single whipping... a day truly wasted.”



He thought about the capture. Clouds had enveloped the airship he had been on.



Steel: [Rye] “I remember it like it was yesterday...”

Sigma: Little did the moron realise, it was 12 hours ago.



And then from out of the clouds came harpoons that punctured the gasbag.



Sigma: Slowly, as the flashback continued, Rye began to reach half-mast.

Steel: [Rye] “Mmmm...”



Hooks had been thrown over. The ship began sinking slowly, losing precious cloudstuff out of the tears in the gasbag.



Steel: [Rye] “Ohhhh...”

SC276: The gasbag is crying? Someone make some chicken noodle soup for it, that’ll help it feel better.



There was some fighting on the decks. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. The deck had been set on fire and most of the crew were more than willing to be captured to escape the burning and sinking vessel.



Steel: [Rye] “Yeeees...”



And Rye had found himself taken and stuffed into a barrel.



Sigma: He became the first non-fighter participant in a game of Smash Bros. Many were surprised when they threw it, and instead of a smash ball, they got a dumb little pony.

Steel: [Rye] “...Crap.”



It could have been worse. At least he was still alive. And free. In a sense. A quiet sense of doubt slipped into his mind. He was free to do as he was told and he was free to go over the rail.



Steel: [Rye] “Fall from the ship to my death, or follow orders... neither of which end with me getting whipped. I miss Lace...”



He heaved a sigh of resignation and decided to make the most of his situation.



Steel: [Rye] “Maybe I missed a cat o’ nine tails in the bag...”

SC276: He started playing pogs with the coins. Hey, if this was years ago, they might still be in vogue.



He eyed the hammock. He had never slept in one before.



Steel: [Rye] “Doesn’t look too comfortable... why not?”



A nap sounded rather nice right about now. He moved toward the hammock and raised a hoof.



Sigma: [Rye] “HEIL HITLER!”

Steel: [Rye] “I think that’s what it said in the book...”



He gave a tug at at the netting and tried to ease himself in. He immediately found himself dumped on the floor.



Steel: [Rye] “ACH! My nose, my nose, ow, ow, blood, ow...”



He gasped and struggled to draw breath, the fall having knocked the wind out of him.

“Damn,” he muttered, a rare vulgarity slipping from his lips.



SC276: You call that a vulgarity? You’re more sensitive than one of my other friends.



Usually, he was far more genteel and polite.



SC276: Usually when not reading a cruddy fanfic.



He tried the hammock again, this time hooking both front hooves onto the edge of the hammock and trying to boost himself into the netting slung between two walls. The hammock flipped and twisted. Once again, Rye found himself kissing the floorboards.



Steel: [Rye] “Ach... teeth... ow...”

SC276: Dude, quit making out with the floor. You look pathetic.



“Oh son of a…” he hissed.

He angrily swiped at the hammock and then tried to leap into the now hated object.



Sigma: Good god, is he a cat now?

Steel: Hope his claws are sharp, hammocks are terrifying enemies.

SC276: This is more like Snoopy trying to set up that lawn chair.



He was almost in when at the last moment he felt the now familiar feeling of twisting in the air. A moment later he found himself on the floor.



Steel: [Rye] “I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR THREADING AND MAKE A MOCKERY OF GOD OUT OF YOU!”



“YOU DIRTY LITTLE TEAT BITER!” he snarled. He felt a hot flash of embarrassment flood his cheeks. He didn’t know where those words came from.



Sigma: He was too dumb to read, so he couldn’t have read them somewhere.

SC276: Well they clearly came from your mouth.



In his entire life he had never said anything quite like that.



Steel: [Rye] “In public.”



As far as angry profanities went, it was rather tame, but to Rye’s ears it sounded positively awful.



Steel: [Rye] “I think I like this...”

SC276: He oughta see the Wizard swear.



The unicorn glared at the hammock, his now most hated enemy.



Steel: [Rye] “You are officially on my ‘Worse than Lace’s Son’ shit list.”

SC276: “Dinkleberg…”



Of all of the horrible things the hammock had done,



RJ: Kidnapping, grand theft, murder...



the worst offense committed was causing Rye to lose his composure and the unicorn truly resented the inanimate object for doing so.



Sigma: ...I just realised that this is an attempt at humor by the author.

Steel: As flat as rye bread…

SC276: And as tasteful as white.



Using his magic, he pulled the hammock open wide, made it stiff,



Sigma: [Rye] “-but not as stiff as his cock,”



and then he sort of rolled into it.



RJ: [Oracle] …You call that a blunt? [Spyglass] Not everything you roll can become a joint, Oracle! [Oracle] Because you haven’t tried. [Spyglass] For the love of...



He sprawled out and ceased the flow of magic. The hammock swung slightly and Rye found that he was quite comfortable.



Steel: [Rye] “...Damn it. Ah well, at least it won’t take me an hour to sleep...”



He took pleasure in his victory over the now hated hammock.



Steel: [Rye] “You serve me now... now, time to find a proper hole in this thing...”



His feeling of victorious triumph was short lived however.



Sigma: [Rye] “I can’t fuck any of these holes!”

Steel: [Rye] “Hammock, how could you?!”

SC276: [Rye] “You have betrayed me for the last time!”



It wasn’t long before he slipped into an exhausted slumber.



SC276: He dreamed he was one of those bass at the end of Finding Nemo.





* * *





He awoke to the sounds of knocking.



Steel: [Rye] “WHIPPING TIME! ...Oh. Ugh...”

SC276: Shave and a haircut…~



He struggled to get out of the hammock and found that he could not escape.



Steel: [Rye] “Hammock... don’t start doing this.”

SC276: [hammock] “You serve me now!”



He wiggled and twisted. His hated enemy had one last trick it seemed. Resentment boiled his unicorn blood.



Steel: [Rye] “I swear I will MAKE a new hole to fuck if you don’t let me go!”



“Do come in. Forgive me, I am having some trouble with this damnable hammock,” Rye said to whomever was at the door.



SC276: Out, damned hammock!



The door opened. “They are troublesome things,” Captain Spyglass said as he entered the small room. “Are you settling in? Other than the hammock, are you content?”



Steel: [Rye] “Well, I’m tangled up in my bed, I can’t find a hole in it, and you aren’t Bloody Velvet. No, my morning’s going spectacularly well! Why do you ask?”



“I think so,” Rye said in reply. “Having some trouble with the idea of such casual murder though,” he added.



Sigma: [Rye] “I mean, shouldn’t you savor the murder? You know, enjoy it? Wait till you’re rock hard THEN let him die?” [Spyglass] “Kid, never come near me in battle.”

Steel: [Rye] “You know I’ll glue myself to your side now, right?” [Spyglass] “It’s regretful knowledge...”

SC276: The only two times they killed someone that we’ve seen so far, it was someone who tried to fight back and a dude they beat up so much he was probably going to die from bleeding out even if he wasn’t plummeting into a salt water mass. Neither of those seems casual to me.



Rye looked at the captain as he remained slung in the hammock.



Steel: [Rye] “You know, if you had any long, hard implements to, perhaps, answer this issue of me sleeping in...”



“Ah, that. Well, I do believe in time as you learn more of what goes on that your feelings will change.



Steel: [Rye] “They sent me to camp for that. I didn’t change much.”



We are not in Equestria.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “This! Is! SPARTA!”

Steel: [Rye] “*CRACK* AGH, WHY’D YOU KICK ME!? It-It felt good, but still, why!?”



Things are different out here.



Steel: [Rye] “OH, REALLY?! I HADN’T NOTICED.”



Princess Celestia’s rule does not extend to the skies and the seas.



Steel: [Rye] “Good, seeing her everywhere was liable to get me executed for treason and war crimes...”

SC276: So, how high up does Equestria airspace authority end?



The Sea of Grass, the homeland of the zebras,



SC276: Author, it’s a country, not a Kingdom Hearts world.



they have no means of influencing what goes on out here. The griffons… ah, the griffons. Most of the actual pirates you encounter will be griffons.



Steel: [Rye] “I hear griffons scream when they get stabbed... is that true?”



The griffons are also slavers.



SC276: Everyone’s a bloody slaver in this fic.



You have to be careful with the griffons though,” Spyglass said as he sat down upon the floor and watched Rye who was squirming in his hammock.

“Be careful?” Rye asked.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Yes. You do know what ‘careful’ means, right?” [Rye] “Careful is carrying dishes while being whipped.” [Spyglass] “...Oh dear.”

SC276: Well he did already say they were slavers. Pay attention already!



“There are two sorts of griffons,” Spyglass replied. “Good ones and bad ones.



SC276: Just like there’s good Samaritans and bad Samaritans.

RJ: [Spyglass] Just remember: the good one smell like wet cats, The bad ones look like fluffy puffs of love.



The good ones are trying to escape Griffonholm.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “We don’t go to Griffonholm.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “But you’re free to. Just, avoid all the jumpy parasites... or don’t... they have big holes, after all.”

SC276: You might belong in Griffonholm, where dwell the brave at heart...



They flee their homeland, disgusted at what is going on there. They are trying to get to places like Equestria. Princess Celestia has been most gracious and takes in the refugees,” Spyglass explained.

“And the bad ones?” Rye asked.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Ever wondered where KFG comes from?”

Steel: [Rye] “Always... I must know how they make such tasty food...”



“The bad ones would eat you.



Steel: [Rye] “Go on.”



They don’t care that you could talk.



Steel: [Rye] “Alright...”



They would see you as nothing more than a slave at best or food at worst.



Steel: [Rye] “Ohhh...”



They are horrible rapacious brutes that cannot be reasoned with.



Steel: [Rye] “Uh huh? T-Tell me more...”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “RAPACIOUS, not rapist!”

SC276: OK, I’m gonna look that up, no way that’s a real word… “Aggressively greedy or grasping.” Captain Spyglass? More like Captain Thesaurus.



They believe that all other races are beneath them. Well, most of them. Some of them can be reasoned with to a small degree I suppose. I know that House Avarice trades slaves to them. If we ever get boarded by hostile griffons, start killing and hold nothing back. If you get captured, you will not like what happens afterward,” Spyglass said.



Steel: [Spyglass]“...You’re ma—” [Rye] “I WOULDN’T DREAM OF IT, NO, NO, I-I’M NOT. Eyes up here, pervert!”



Rye felt a cold shiver travel through his body.



Steel: Spyglass just rubbed his face as Rye made a new, white stain on the floor.



“I’ve never learned combat magic,” he admitted.



SC276: Which makes sense. Never trust the involuntary help with a weapon.

Sigma: [Spyglass] “Son, all anyone needs to do is look at you and they’ll run away.”

Steel: [Rye] “But I want them to run towards me! I’m vulnerable! I’m weak! I’m tasty! I’m definitely not hiding a knife.”



“No, of course not.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Teaching you combat magic would be like giving a demon a gun...”



They wouldn’t teach a slave combat magic, the means to free himself,” Spyglass replied.



SC276: STOP READING MY MIND!



The pegasus shook his head and looked disgusted.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Guh... SOMEONE GET ORACLE DOWN HERE, CLEAN-UP IN CABIN THREE!”

Sigma: [Oracle] “Hey, dude, the only thing that needs cleaning is your mi- oh, gross, did he cum on the floor?”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Just... j-just clear it up, please...”



Rye felt hot anger course through him.



SC276: Like how a Red Lantern doesn’t have blood anymore.



He hated being called a slave. He hated it even more now that he knew that it was true.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Oh God, are you getting hard again?!”



“I am going to have Bloody Velvet give you a pair of pistols and teach you how to use them.



Steel: [Rye] “Long, round things made of metal? I already know how to use them.” [Spyglass] “Not like THAT, no!”



Your magic should allow you to hold it and fire it.



Steel: [Spyglass] “DO NOT crack a joke.” [Rye] “T-Trying...”



Griffons and minotaurs invented guns to counter magic. I am trusting you with these firearms. Should we get in a pinch, I hope that you will have my back and not try to shoot me in the back,” Spyglass stated.



SC276: Spyglass’s back is so important to him, he had to mention it twice.

Steel: [Rye] “You have my word that I will give at least 20% effort.” [Spyglass] “...Not even going to be optimistic for me, are you?”



“And Bloody Velvet will also start teaching you some combat magic. She’s more of a defensive sort, but she has some doozers as far as spells go.



SC276: A doozer is one who carries several doozeys. So, she has a small battalion, like Bowser’s Magikoopa Mob move in Bowser’s Inside Story?

Steel: That would actually be pretty cool. So of course, it’ll never show up in this story.

SC276: Adding Bowser to anything invariably makes it cool.

Sigma: So, adding Bowser to that crappy Pokemon crossover verse…

SC276: Correction: adding a properly written Bowser to anything invariably makes it cool.



She’s the reason we are still airborne. She has the most marvelous shield spell. She can create an impenetrable bubble around the ship.



SC276: And then Bloody Velvet was Twilight Sparkle being Shining Armor.

Steel: [Rye] “You’re just tempting me, aren’t you.” [Spyglass] “...Look, just listen to me, keep penetration out of your mind.” [Rye] “Captain...” [Spyglass] “Then just listen to me!”



It blocks cannon fire, harpoons, other spells, she really is an amazing wizard.



SC276: She’s a wizard, ‘Arry.

Steel: [Velvet] “WIZARDS ARE ILLOGICAL AND MYTHICAL. I AM A MAGE.” [Spyglass] “I’d call her a witch, but that would be an insult...”



You would do well to learn from her,” the pegasus said.



Steel: [Rye] “I will learn as much as I can from my bloody angel of vengeance...” [Spyglass] “You... you do that, yeah...”



Rye nodded and then remembered the scrap of parchment. “Oh, sir, I meant to tell you. I found a strip of parchment in Lace Collar’s snuffbox-”



Sven: [Rye] “It just has the word ‘MacGuffin’ written on it.”



“Is it covered in what appears to be code?” Spyglass interrupted.



SC276: Great, vigilante pirate and now mind reader too.

Steel: [Rye] “How’d you—” [Spyglass] “Know what it was? Easy.” [Rye] “But you—” [Spyglass] “Never saw it? Mm, not so true.” [Rye] “Stop—” [Spyglass] “Finishing your sentences? NEVER.”



“Yes sir, it is. I meant to tell you. You came in and we got to talking. I should have told you right away,” Rye said apologetically.

Spyglass smiled. “I appreciate your loyalty. I am starting to like you Rye Mash,” the pegasus said.



SC276: Which means he took the kid on while not liking him.

Sigma: Hey, come on, be fair to the guy. Why would ANYONE like Rye?

Steel: We like him. Well, not this one, but you know what I mean.



“I have other such scraps of paper. I have no idea what they mean yet, but I am dying to know what they say.”



SC276: Doctor’s given him a week left.

Steel: [Rye] “Give it to me straight, doc.” [Spyglass] “You suffer from sadomasochism.” [Rye] “That’s not a disease.” [Spyglass] “For you, it is.”

Sigma: Hey, if people can claim autism is a disease...



“If I could study them I might be able to puzzle them out. Lace Collar had me break a few ciphers for him,” Rye replied.



RingmasterJ5: [Rye] “Crossword puzzles, some word searches, a sudoku game or two… those are ciphers, right?”

Sigma: I think he just means the Cipher from that Pokémon game on Gamecube.

RingmasterJ5: But that would actually require effort to break.

Steel: [Rye] “I’ve conquered the world’s most difficult cipher!” [Spyglass] “The Darren Algorithm?” [Rye] “What? No. A 48x48 Sudoku game.” [Spyglass] “...You are clearly qualified for this, yes...” [Rye] “I am, aren’t I?”



“Oh really,” Spyglass said charmingly.



SC276: In the same way a mom plays along with her kid’s fantasies.

Sigma: Thanks for giving me the image of Rye’s mom going along with his weird sexual fantasies.

Steel: Considering his last name, I don’t think that’s so off the mark.



“I just need a lot of words to look at.



Sigma: [Rye] “Usually ‘butt’ and ‘sex,’ in that order.”

Steel: [Rye] “Preferably only separated by a space.” [Spyglass] “Oh dear...”



A pattern forms. Like the word ‘the’ for example. It connects other words together.



Sigma: [Rye] “For example, ‘The ass,’ which creates the image of anal-” [Spyglass] “We get it, you need to get laid!”

Steel: [Rye] “...Was I really that obvious...?”



You just start looking for the letter groupings of what might be the word ‘the’ and you figure out what those three letters are.



Steel: [Spyglass] “And if there’s a lot of three-letter words?” [Rye] “...Thhhhen I look for ‘if’!” [Spyglass] “You’re not inspiring a lot of confidence.” [Rye] “No, no, I can do it! Just give me the note and I’ll have the message to you by sundown! And if I don’t, you can wh—” [Spyglass] “Don’t finish that sentence!”



And then you look for other common letter groupings like the word ‘are’ and whatnot. ‘The’ and ‘are’ both share a letter and it becomes pretty easy to guess what is what,” Rye explained.



SC276: So the world hasn’t advanced to the point where the Vigenère cipher has been invented yet. I’m familiar with the advancement of cyphers across human history, and the moment someone comes up with rotating keys, your method is shot.

Sigma: So, basically, they better hope there isn’t a Batman-type character around.

RingmasterJ5: Wouldn’t even take rotating keys, this method could be shot to all hell by something as simple as intentional misspellings.



“Fascinating. I will tell you what. You crack that code and you will not be my cabin colt any longer. I will promote you to my intelligence officer. Or something like that.



SC276: [Spyglass] “I don’t actually have any idea what a cabin colt does.”

Sigma: [Rye] “Well, hopefully Velvet.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Yes. ‘Hopefully’.”



I’ve never had one before.



SC276: You’ve never had intelligence? You’ve heard it here first, folks!

Steel: [Spyglass] “I feel like the universe just zinged me...”



But you would be the first. And I will double… no, triple your pay,” Spyglass offered.



Steel: [Rye] “Yes, actual money!” [Spyglass] “Which I will then pull from for the ship’s collective resupply fund.” [Rye] “Oh fuck off!”



“You have a deal sir,” Rye answered.

“Delightful!” Spyglass exclaimed.



SC276: Satisfactory, most satisfactory.

Steel: This will work.



Author's Note:

Chapter two is now live. The story grows legs.



RJ: Oh crap, the fic’s starting to mutate!

Sigma: Cut them off and burn the stumps before they regenerate!

SC276: Anyone have Heracles’s phone number?



The shield spell seem familiar to anyone? Magic runs in families you know…



SC276: WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE SAY NO MORE SAY NO MORE

Sigma: This is not quite as bad as the wink-wink-nudge-nudging in Gotham, but it’s still bad.



Let me know if I missed any typos. A few always survive the purge.



Sigma: Yes, I noticed a glaring typo, this story was published.

Steel: OHHHHH! Riffers 1, Author 0.



And discuss stuff below. Discussion good! Empty comments section bad.



SC276: Then why do authors keep turning them into deleted comment graveyards?

RingmasterJ5: Because it’s not the right type of discussion.



Chapter 3

Rye Mash walked slowly around the deck of the ship, watching the sun set off on the distant horizon. The sunset was never more beautiful than it was right now.

The clouds were purple, orange, and red.



SC276: Discord!

Discord: Don’t look at me! I’ve over here in a better story!

Steel: You wish you were, at least.



The first stars of the evening were already shining on the other horizon. Somehow, the notion of being truly free made the sunset all the more beautiful even though he could not say why exactly.



SC276: That’s probably because the author couldn’t either.

Steel: So far, the author hasn’t been capable of much beyond really basic description.

Sigma: Untrue, Steel. He’s been capable of giving us shit to work with. Not necessarily GOOD stuff, but hey.



Other members of the crew also seemed to be taking a moment to enjoy the setting sun.

“Yer the new cabin colt,” a voice in a clipped accent said.



Steel: His vocal cords will never fly again...



Rye turned to face the pony speaking to him. He saw a pegasus. A scrawny looking pegasus.



SC276: There’s not a single dang Earth pony in this crew, is there.

Steel: Earth Ponies don’t belong on the sea! They belong in the dirt!

Sigma: Filthy Earthy peasants. Glorious Unicorn master race shall rule supreme!

RingmasterJ5: It scares me that those both absolutely sound like actual lines of dialogue from The Chase.

Sigma: Give Kudzu time, I’m sure it’ll be true.



“Name’s Skeeter. My mother named me Mosquito.



SC276: Probably for his tongue.

Steel: [Rye] “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! W-Wait, your mother named you after a bug, and you’re using another word for a shooting orgasm as your name?! AHAHAhAhAHAAHA— ...Wait.” [Skeeter] “What?”



This is my first tour. I left home looking to find my way in the world. Captain Spyglass offered twice the wages of everypony else,” the pegasus said, introducing himself and offering a bit of history.



SC276: Twice compared to the other employers, or compared to the rest of the crew?



“My name is Rye Mash. I’m named after a type of whiskey.



RingmasterJ5: And because Kudzu wanted an absolutely horrendous pun with the title of an old book.



I was captured today and joined the crew,” Rye said.



SC276: He probably already knew that! Move on already!

Sigma: [Rye] “Politeness out of the way, Mosquito. Mosquitos suck blood. You’re named after a mosquito, so you must suck blood... OH MY GOD!” [Skeeter] “What the hell are you talking about?”

Steel: [Rye] “AWAY, VILE VAMPIRE, YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY BLOOD! THE POWER OF CELESTIA COMPELS YE, THE POWER OF CELESTIA COMPELS YE!!!”

SC276: Quick, we need stakes, crosses, and lines of rice!



“Hey, do you know where we are going?” Rye asked.



Sigma: [Rye] “It better be somewhere with sunlight 24-7!”

Steel: [Skeeter] “I’m not a vampire, though!” [Rye] “THAT’S WHAT A VAMPIRE WOULD SAY!”



“Trottingham,” Skeeter answered.



Steel: [Rye] “Oh my God, you’re a TROTTINGHAM VAMPIRE? Prim, proper, fucking bloodsucker!”

Sigma: [Skeeter] “I’m not a fucking vampire!”



“So the Shire Isles,” Rye said as he turned his gaze out towards the colourful horizon.



Sigma: [Rye] “Home of the legendary Cock Rings of Power.”

Steel: [Skeeter] “...What?!” [Rye] “You know of what I speak!” [Skeeter] “No I don’t!” [Rye] “Of course, because they’re the only way to keep an erection, even after a vampire sucks out your blood! Of COURSE you’d want them to stay a legend!”



“Yep, the Old World. Captain Spyglass wasn’t lying when he promised me that I would be able to see the world if I toured with him.



Steel: [Rye] “And with a vampire in my presence, I wish I’d never accepted his offer when he asked me to join.” [Skeeter] “I’m not a fucking vampire! Now shut up and listen!”

SC276: Even the characters are getting tired of this running gag.



I’m just a poor pegasus from Cloudsdale. I never thought I’d have a chance at a good life,” Skeeter said with great enthusiasm.



Sigma: [Rye] “But if vampires aren’t alive, how can you have a good life?” [Skeeter] “Shut the fuck up, Breadhead.”



“I am from Canterlot. Well, sort of.



Sigma: [Rye] “I mean, I was born there, but they kicked my family out immediately after exiting the cootch.” [Skeeter] “I wonder why.”



I was originally from the Shetland Isles. And then I spent time in Fillydelphia. And then Canterlot,” Rye explained in reply.

“Yer a Shetlander,” Skeeter said slowly.



SC276: Yer a wizard, ‘Arry.

Steel: [Rye] “WHAT’D YOU CALL ME, A SHITLANDER?!” [Skeeter] “SHET. LANDER. SHET. SHET.” [Rye] “STOP CALLING ME POOP!”

SC276: Then be a character in a story that’s not crap!



“I’ve met a few of your kind.



Steel: [Skeeter] “Aren’t you all supposed to be really screwed up libertines living under the rule of a narcissistic blonde unicorn who rapes and kills everyone he wants?” [Rye] “No, but he’s my patron saint.”

SC276: ...I literally can’t tell whether that’s too far or not.

Steel: This is Rye we’re talking about. Everything is too close for him.

Sigma: Except Death. That bastard ain’t close enough for Rye.



Always glad to meet your kind. Shetlanders tend to be some of the nicest ponies I’ve ever met,” Skeeter said.



Sigma: [Skeeter] “...Sure you’re one of them?”



“Shame about what goes on there though,” he added in a low voice.



SC276: No one had any idea where that volcano came from.



Rye nodded and turned his gaze back to Skeeter. “So what is it that you do?” Rye asked.

“Me? I gather clouds and help to compress them into the gasbag.



RJ: [Skeeter] “It’s our newest gasbag, the Trump. It holds a LOT.”

Steel: [Skeeter] “We aren’t allowed to talk about politics, though. Any time we mention the economy, the bag bursts open and starts leaking hot air.”



I also fetch clouds and stuff them into the condenser so we can have water for both drinking and powering the steam engines. I also move cargo, well, the stuff I can lift, and will do most anything I am asked,” Skeeter replied.



RingmasterJ5: [Rye] “Oh, I will definitely take you up on that offer.”

Steel: [Skeeter] “Um... okay?” [Spyglass] “NO, RUN! RUN AWAY, MOSQUITO!” [Rye] “HeheheheehEHEHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!” [Skeeter] “Oh boy...”

SC276: IT’S A TRAP!



“You mean to tell me that there are clouds in there?” Rye asked as he looked up at the gasbag.



SC276: It’s not like the last gasbags he saw before these were punctured and leaking cotton candy, author.



“Super compressed clouds.



Sigma: You think that’s air you’re breathing in?

Steel: [Rye] “Wait, does this mean I’m on Cloud Nine?” [Skeeter] “That was awful and you should feel awful.”



And a bit of unicorn magic. We pegasi can build cities out of clouds. Hanging an airship from a compressed cloudbank is easy. We do have to get unicorns to enchant the ship though so it is super light,” Skeeter explained as he answered Rye’s question.



Sigma: [Skeeter] “Easier than getting an editor for that paragraph, anyway.”

Steel: [Rye] “I knoooow.”



During his entire time aboard an airship he had never bothered to ask how they stayed aloft. Rye felt a little stupid.



Steel: [Rye] “But only because it’s not polite to call him stupid!”



He continued to stare upwards at the gasbag in disbelief. It was nothing more than clouds. The only thing keeping the ship aloft was clouds. A few bits of fluff were all that kept him and everypony else from plunging to their death.



SC276: It’s kept an entire city aloft, why are you questioning it?

Sigma: [Rye] “...But can I fuck it?”

Steel: [Skeeter] “Why would you want to fuck a city?” [Rye] “Because I am capable of anything.”



“I have to go, stuff to do, but I hope we will talk again,” Skeeter said.

“It was pleasant meeting you,” Rye said as Skeeter departed. He heard a growl coming from his stomach and wondered where he could get a bite to eat.



Steel: [Rye] “Oh God, his presence has made me hunger for blood! I FEEL MY SOUL EXITING MY BODY!”

SC276: Pretty sure our souls are exiting our bodies by this point.





* * *





Officer’s mess was separate from the crewmember’s mess Rye discovered, and as cabin boy he had the privilege of eating in the tiny officer’s mess.



SC276: One, cabin colt; if you’re going to adapt terms, use them consistently. Two, how the hell is a cabin boy considered an officer? It’s practically a paid internship.

Steel: [Rye] “...Wait, you mean I can’t eat in here? They said I could have this room all to myself!”



Everything onboard this ship seemed tiny and cramped. Officer’s mess was a round table



SC276: Captain Spyglass and his Pirates of the Round Table.

Sigma: They dance when’ere they’re able!



secured to the wooden floor. No chairs. There was a tiny window to the kitchen that food was passed though.



Sigma: It also functioned as a gloryhole.

Steel: [Rye] “I just got a great prank idea...”



Dinner was a chunk of black bread, a bowl of thick root vegetable stew, two apples, and the option of a few pickled eggs, which Rye gladly took.



Sigma: [Rye] “Not as good as a cucumber, but oh well…”



It was much better food than he was used to eating. Back home, the servants were fed leftovers boiled into a runny gruel.



Sigma: Leftovers from what, they were never told.

Steel: [Rye] “...Waiter, there’s an eye in my soup!”



Abroad with Lace Collar, Rye ate whatever the deckhands were eating, which wasn’t much.



Steel: [Rye] “Those ratcicles were amazing...”



The food was delightful.



Steel: [Rye] “Yes, er... ‘delightful’, mm... just push this hoof off to the siiiide...”



The cook made it known that the officers and the deckhands ate the same food,



Steel: [Spyglass] “Oh for the love of... MY PONY LEG IS UNDERCOOKED!”



just in different places. Deckhands ate on deck or below decks.



Steel: The cobwebs add a certain stringiness to the texture.



Rye ate alone and pondered his situation.



Steel: [Rye] “...If I got some candles and brought Velvet in here, actually.”



He realised that he was finally in a position to do something with his life.



Steel: [Rye] “The world will never see me cumming...”



He wasn’t just planning the future as he had done when he was Lace Collar’s servant, hoping for the day when he had his freedom and his debt was paid off.



Steel: [Rye] “Now I can MONOLOGUE about it! Mwahahahahahah!”



His future actually was his own now. He had a chance to make some money if he could crack the code on the parchment strips.



Sigma: [Rye] “Drink… Your… Ovaltine?”

Steel: [Rye] “Those sly bastards... it’s an advertisement campaign! I SHOULD’VE KNOWN!”



The notion of his future was almost overwhelming.



Steel: Rye promptly collapsed and started foaming at the mouth.



It was no longer a distant dream, something to daydream about.



Sigma: [Rye] “I have jerk-off material right in front of me!”



It was here, it was now, and he had a good opportunity to make something of himself.



SC276: We get it, Ace of Pentacles. Keep the plot moving already.

Steel: [Rye] “THE DOG’S DAY HAS COME! And he is SURROUNDED by bitches!”



He chewed thoughtfully on his chunk of black bread. It was oily and smelled a bit weird. He couldn’t remember the name of the oil used to preserve the bread and keep the mould away.



RJ: [Chef Bifocal] It’s Pennzoil 10W-30. That’s was meant for Velvet.



It smelled faintly of pine.



RingmasterJ5: And the award for “Flattest Writing Ever” goes to…

SC276: “Mould.” British? Maybe? That just looks like a typo to me, but I’m not Not-American, so…

Sigma: This is so flat you can’t even see it from certain angles.

Steel: So flat, it existed in the first dimension.



The door opened and Bloody Velvet entered.



Steel: [Rye] “MY ANGEL OF VENGEANCE, COME TO LIBERATE ME FROM SOLITUDE!”

SC276: [Rye]: “ACTUALLY, CAN YOU COME BACK A LITTLE LATER? I NEED TO GET CANDLES.”



She sat down at the table and twitched a bit. “I was hoping to find you here. I understand that I am to give you firearms training.



Sigma: [Velvet] “DOES YOUR GENITALIA ALSO DETACH INTO A HIGH-POWERED ENERGY CANNON?”

Steel: [Rye] “No, but it shoots just as hard!” [Velvet] “I WILL NEED TO TEST THIS.” [Rye] “NO NO NO IT DOESN’T COME OFF!”



We will begin tomorrow.



RJ: [Velvet] “WE WILL MEET ON THE FIELDS OF HALO. PREPARE TO GET REKT, N00-N00-N00-SCRUB. YOUR TEABAGGING WILL BE CONSTANT.” [Rye] “… Teabagging? So my normal Wednesday nights then?”

Steel: [Velvet] “ONLY MADE OF METAL AND SYNTHETIC FUR.” [Rye] “Oh my God, yes.”



I have a brace of pistols taken from a griffon.



SC276: The same way you loot Fallout enemies. You look at them, a menu pops up...

Steel: And then your game glitches and you get locked in the menu. [Rye] “HELP! I CAN’T STOP LOOKING AT THIS PONY’S RIGOR MORTIS’D COCK!”



Nice weapons. Large bore.



RingmasterJ5: It was a copy of The Chase.

Steel: [Rye] “Ewwww, no.”



There is also a shotgun.



Steel: [Velvet] “I WOULD ALSO MENTION THE SIX BARREL, SEVENTY CALIBER ROTARY AUTOCANNON, BUT YOUR SMALL FRAME AND WIMPY MUSCLES WOULD SHATTER UNDER ITS WEIGHT.” [Rye] “I will gladly carry it for you, my love.”



I shall have to teach you about the rules of combat aboard an airship, like never fire upwards,” she said, the corner of her mouth ticking as she spoke.



Sigma: [Velvet] “THE SAME APPLIES TO PREPARING AN ORGASM.”

Steel: [Rye] “Many a time have I blinded myself, forgetting this rule.”



Rye nodded but said nothing because his mouth was full.



Sigma: Of his own dick.

Steel: [Velvet] “DOES UNIT RYE ALSO HAVE COMPARTMENTALIZATION OF THE CHEST CAVITY?” [Rye] “Mmph.”



Bloody Velvet turned her head and stared into the corner.



Steel: [Velvet] “WALL IS CHALLENGING ME TO A STARING CONTEST. SOCIETAL CODE DICTATES I MUST ACCEPT.”



She cringed and shuddered.



RJ: [Velvet] DAMNED CREEPERS. [Spyglass] Who let her on the Minecraft server again? [Periscope] She wasn’t on the server… [Spyglass] Good. [Periscope] She IS the server. [Spyglass] ...sigh.



Rye swallowed and found his courage.



Sigma: It was his dick.

Steel: He just swallowed the whole thing.



It was probably a foolhardy thing that he was about to do, but he figured that there was no harm in asking. “What do you see?” he asked.



Sigma: [Velvet] “I SEE THAT THEY ARE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD.”

Steel: [Rye] “Taking the Hobbits to Isengard!?” [Velvet] “TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD.”

SC276: ~The Hobbits- the Hobbits- the Hobbits- the Hobbits to Isengard- to Isengard!~



“Bah, if I told you, you would only think I was crazy like everypony else,” Bloody Velvet replied.



SC276: Don’t worry; we’re reading this, so we’re crazy too.

Steel: Bonafide, masochistic psychopaths.



“Try me,” Rye said. He then slurped up a pickled egg.



Sigma: [Rye] “What kind of egg is this?” [Velvet] “IT IS A TRANSLATION ERROR. THOSE ARE SPANISH DUCK TESTICLES.”

Steel: [Rye] “... *Gulp*... Not bad. There any others?”



Bloody Velvet sighed and slumped.



Steel: [Velvet] “EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN.” [Rye] “NO! COME BACK!”



“I don’t like talking about it. I know how crazy it makes me sound,” she said in a low voice. One ear took on a metronome like twitch.

“I once saw a ghost. Nopony believes me. Everypony laughed and thought I was barmy,” Rye said.



Sigma: [Rye] “I sucked it off! I KNOW it was there!”

Steel: [Rye] “IT! TASTED! LIKE LOLLIPOPS!”



Bloody Velvet smiled a lopsided smile. “I believe you,” she said. The mare sighed. “Princess Celestia sees all,” she began.



Steel: [Velvet] “CONSPIRACY PROTOCOL, ENGAGED.”



“I know it sounds paranoid,



Steel: [Rye] “And it does.”



but I swear it is true.



Steel: [Rye] “I certainly believe you.”



She latches on to certain ponies that she finds interesting.



Steel: [Rye] “And now I’m getting mental images.”

SC276: Like how barnacles latch onto ships.



She has a realm… some place on the astral plane I think.



Steel: [Rye] “Space princesses. Alright then.”



A grey place. It is full of big moving pictures… like paintings that move. And she watches certain ponies that interest her.



Sigma: [Rye] “...I suddenly feel uncomfortable about my privacy.”

Steel: [Velvet] “...I DETECT A CONCENTRATION OF HEAT IN YOUR PELVIC AREA.” [Rye] “I never said what I felt was a bad thing.”



And I can see her divination magic,” Bloody Velvet stated.



SC276: But telling the information to anyone will cause her concentration to slip enough to vaporize everyone in a mile radius.

Steel: [Velvet] “WHOOPS.” And then the boat vanished.



Rye chewed a bit of black bread, swallowed, and nodded.



Steel: [Velvet] “THAT BLACK STALLION IS STILL SCREAMING.” [Rye] “I know.”



“I believe you,” he said sincerely.

“Wait, are you actually being honest?” Bloody Velvet asked.



Steel: [Rye] “Yes. Completely and totally.” [Velvet] “SARCASM.” [Rye] “Nooooo, I’m not being sarcastic.” [Velvet] “LIES.” [Rye] “Most definitely not lying.” [Velvet] “SIZE SHIFT IN THE NOSE.” [Rye] “God damn it!”



Rye nodded and took another bite.

“She knows I can see her globes of divination magic.



SC276: ...You mean crystal balls?

Steel: [Velvet] “SHE IS THE ONE WHO BUILT ME, YOU SEE.”



She keeps trying to hide them.



Steel: [Velvet] “MOTHER UNIT HATES ME.”



She’s been watching me for a long time.



Steel: [Velvet] “JUDGING.”

SC276: ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.



I used to be one of her students. One day I was drifting through the astral realms



SC276: Practically a Sunday morning walk for her.

Steel: [Velvet] “SHE GIVES ME DIRECTIONS, BUT THEY KEEP LEADING OFF CLIFFS.”



and I accidentally found my way into her own private pocket plane.



SC276: The most convenient getting lost you’ve ever seen.

Steel: [Velvet] “SHE CANNOT HIDE FROM ME.”



I saw her. She didn’t know that I could see her. At least not then.



Sigma [Velvet] “I WAS ABLE TO SHORT OUT MOTHER UNIT’S TRACKING CHIPS TEMPORARILY.”



I am certain that she has since overheard me talking about it to a number of ponies including yourself,” the mare stated.



SC276: So she could be listening in on pirates that attack and kill her citizens right now? Talk about a security leak! I will give the author a cookie if this directly results in Celestia hunting them down. Actually, five; I doubt he’ll really do it.

Steel: [Velvet] “MOTHER UNIT IS ALWAYS LISTENING.” [Rye] “...Okay. Um.” [Velvet] “ALWAYS.”



“She wouldn’t be a princess for as long as she has been if she didn’t have a means to spy on ponies,” Rye reasoned. “It seems plausible that she uses her alicorn magic to keep an eye on threats,” he added.



Sigma: [Rye] “Like vampires!”



“You really do believe me,” Bloody Velvet said in a stunned voice.

Rye stuck his muzzle into his wooden soup bowl and sucked in a mouthful of



Sigma: -cock?



soup.



Sigma: Oh.



It was cooled off enough to eat.



SC276: Would it have been so hard to mention that before he ate it?

Steel: Yes.



He lifted his head and studied Bloody Velvet thoughtfully.

‘

Steel: [Rye] “As beautiful and unstable as ever...”



He suspected that she was watching him carefully, looking for the slightest sign that he was patronising her.



SC276: British!



Rye was a clever unicorn, or so he thought.



SC276: Well he’s proven clever in being kinkily disturbing.

Sigma: He’s clever in the same way A Serbian Film is clever.

Steel: So only in his creative methods of torture?



“It is nice to have another unicorn to talk to.



Sigma: [Velvet] “MAGIC MAKES FOR BETTER TEST SUBJECTS, AFTER ALL.”

Steel: [Rye] “And the tests we will run will make the world quiver with arousal...”



All these brutes and numbskulls grow tiresome.



Steel: [Velvet] “I TIRE OF CONSTANT QUESTIONS OF BEING ANATOMICALLY CORRECT, AND THEN BEING ASKED TO PROVE IT.”



Sure, some of them are good conversationalists, but I can’t talk to them about magic,” Bloody Velvet said wistfully.



SC276: I’m starting to think the reason there’s so few males in the show is because all of them are on this stupid ship. And they’re all pegasi.

Steel: So they’re basically dodos?



“Does it ever bother you being a mare on a ship full of stallions?” blurted out Rye rather suddenly.



SC276: Because there’s no other way the author could address this plot point.

Sigma: [Velvet] “YES. I CANNOT TEST MY FEMALE-ORIENTED EXPERIMENTS ON THEM WITHOUT SOME APPLICATION OF FORCE AND SURGICAL TOOLS.”

Steel: [Rye] “Couldn’t you just use a potion?” [Velvet] “RULE SIXTY THREE HAS NOT BEEN INVENTED YET.”



Bloody Velvet stared at Rye Mash and blinked a few times, her blinking still out of synch.



SC276: You sure she’s related to Twilight, and not Gummy?

Steel: I got Gummy vibes the moment I saw her.

SC276: Including the waxing poetic, except Gummy has the sense to keep it internal.



The corner of her mouth twitched and pulled, sometimes up, sometimes down, and other than the uncontrollable tics, her expression remained blank.



Sigma: Wonder what would happen if she got the Joker treatment.

Steel: She’d be the only one exposed to Joker’s laughing gas that could frown while laughing.



“I only ask because I worry.



Steel: [Rye] “About you, obviously! Not, not that someone may take your heart first before I can... definitely not. No.”



I mean, call me old fashioned, but I actually worry about the fairer sex.



Steel: [Rye] “I love fair sex!”



I uh, oh my that look you are giving me…



Sigma: [Rye] “That’s uh, a very… sensual look.”

Steel: [Velvet] “IT IS, YES.” [Rye] “Yay!”



I uh always try to make sure to let the new servant girls know that they should never allow themselves to be alone in a room with several males because…



Steel: [Rye] “Because then I can’t be in that room alone with several males at once!”



uh… oh…” Rye’s words faded into a worried silence.



SC276: Smooth, operator.

Sigma: [Velvet] “ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE AN ESCAPED SERIAL RAPIST?”

Steel: [Rye] “THOSE CHARGES WERE DROPPED AND THEY COULDN’T PROVE A THING!”



“For a moment I thought you were implying something about me and my position on this ship.



Sigma: [Velvet] “I CAN ASSURE YOU, I RAPE ANYONE BEFORE THEY HAVE A CHANCE TO RAPE ME.”

Steel: [Rye] “A CHALLENGE! I heartily accept!”



And then I realised that you were showing genuine concern for my well being.



Steel: [Rye] “I know, I know... it bothers me as well. But, I must care for my angel! For without her, who will help me conquer the world?”

SC276: The same thing we do every night, Velvet...



I had almost forgotten what that is like,” Bloody Velvet said carefully, trying to ease her piercing glare.



SC276: So, the rest of the crew doesn’t care about her?

Sigma: I love overdone sexism subplots!

Steel: Yup!

RingmasterJ5: You know, Kudzu, it might help if you actually gave the other crew members any sort of focus at all so we could actually see their treatment of Velvet, since at this point WE’VE given them more character so far.



“I might be the only mare on this ship, but Spyglass has made it very clear that I am not here for the crew’s enjoyment and that I am not to be harassed.



Sigma: [Velvet] “BRIBERY WAS INVOLVED.”

Steel: [Velvet] “BUT THE PINBALL REQUESTS KEPT COMING. I HAVE SILENCED THEM.”



I’ve only had to kill one pony to make that point clear,” she continued.

“Did you throw him over the rail?” Rye said, his voice becoming a terrified squeak at the end.

“No,” Bloody Velvet replied. “I tore his potato sack off using my magic. He bled to death while I lectured him.”



SC276: I’m pretty sure he would’ve died quicker than that, if you tore off the potato sack he was wearing and cut off all his limbs and head in the process.

RingmasterJ5: Uhh, SC, I don’t think that’s the kind of “potato sack” she’s talking about…

SC276: Right, it’d have to be starched as all hell to do that. Must’ve been a wimp, to die from a series of bag cuts. Probably wouldn’t survive one battle.

Sigma: I’m sorry, did they just use potato sack as a euphemism for the scrotum? Seriously?

Steel: They did.



Rye gulped.



Steel: The vivid image of the pony in question ran through his mind, and he hit half mast.



His mouth was empty and he was glad. It was suddenly too dry to ever hope to swallow anything like food.



Sigma: Semen, on the other hand...

Steel: [Rye] “Mmph shtuck.” [Velvet] “PUSH WITH YOUR HOOVES ON YOUR CALVES. IT WILL DISLODGE YOUR PENIS FROM YOUR THROAT.”



He cleared his throat several times. “And this is why I make it a point to respect mares,” he murmured in a strained voice.

“I like you,” Bloody Velvet announced. “I think we will get along quite well.”



SC276: Pretty sure that’s what he’s counting on.

Steel: [Rye] “Death sits across the table from me, the chills are running along my spine... ohhh God, I need you!”



“I hope so,” said Rye in a high pitched reply. “I like my potato sack.



SC276: Particularly when it’s beaten after he’s stuffed in it.

Steel: It is a good pain.



I will be on my best behaviour.



SC276: British!



If I ever offend you by accident, please give a chance to atone for my mistake,” he begged.

Bloody Velvet smiled warmly and seemed to relax somewhat, her twitching becoming noticeably calmer.



Sigma: [Velvet] “NO.”

Steel: [Rye] “At... least give me a head start?” [Velvet] “FIVE SECONDS.” [Rye] “That works.”



“You really are a nice pony. Now I am worried about you.



SC276: Not just you, sister.



Seriously, life up here has a way of changing you.



Steel: [Velvet] “LIKE HOW IT CHANGED THAT PONY WITH HIS SACK TORN OFF.”



It is every pony for themselves. Many of our situations are kill or be killed sort of affairs.



Steel: [Velvet] “I AM SURE TO KEEP BODIES FOR SPARE OIL.”



Spyglass is a good sort and he does good things, but make no mistake. He is a killer. His business is doing bad things to the deserving,” Bloody Velvet said in a low emotionless voice.



Steel: [Velvet] “I HAVE SEEN HIM DO THINGS. BAD THINGS.”



The pair of ponies continued to study one another.



Steel: [Velvet] “DEMONSTRATE HOW YOU PERFORMED AUTO-FELLATIO AGAIN.”



Bloody Velvet watched as Rye Mash continued to eat. She felt a pang of regret over leaving home. “You remind me of my husband,” she said, emotion now evident in her voice.



SC276: Oh fuck, guys, she can feel!

Steel: [Velvet] “HUSBAND UNIT DID NOT MAKE FOR GOOD OIL.”



“You are married?” Rye asked.

“I am. Or was. I married young. Arranged marriage.



SC276: It was in alphabetical order?

Steel: So his name was Waterfront?



I had two foals. Twins. For which I am thankful for the both of them, because I would never allow him to touch me ever again.



SC276: I’m not entirely sure that’s a properly syntax’d sentence.

Steel: [Velvet] “WHICH FOR WHAT NOT BE ERROR-REBOOTING DICTIONARY.”



Feeling him touching me made my skin crawl. He was slimy and repugnant. I wasn’t always like this you know,” Bloody Velvet said in regretful tones. “I didn’t always have the shivers.”



SC276: So wait, she’s not holding back a ton of lethal magic and could explode at any moment? What? I have completely lost track of the plot.

Steel: Nope! Instead, she was raped!

SC276: You just had to go with the least interesting choice, author!



“I remind you of your husband? I hope that isn’t a mark against me,” Rye said in a worried voice.



Sigma: [Velvet] “YOUR HOPES ARE WORTHLESS.”

Steel: [Rye] “MOTHER SAID I COULD BE ANYTHING! WHAT AM I WITHOUT MY HOPES OF WORLD DOMINATION!?”



“Oh, he was a boisterous eater.



Steel: [Velvet] “HUSBAND UNIT SAID WE COULD EAT ALL THAT. HE WAS WRONG. HE DID NOT HAVE A MOUTH, SO HE COULD NOT HELP.”



Sort of like you.



Steel: [Velvet] “BUT YOU ARE NOT IN MY HEAD.” [Rye] “I could be in your mouth, though...”



You have manners, but it is clear to anypony watching that you want to wolf it down.



Sigma: [Rye] “Sometimes, that IS considered polite.”



He didn’t care who was watching.



Steel: [Velvet] “AND MOTHER UNIT IS ALWAYS WATCHING. S-S-S-SHE IS NOT PL-PLEASED.”



He was a horrible pig of a pony,” the mare stated in disgusted tones.



Sigma: [Velvet] “ALWAYS TAKING UP SO MUCH SPACE.”



“Don’t worry, I like you. Just the way you are made me think of him. Don’t worry, I will not hold it against you,” she promised.



Sigma: [Rye] “But… I want you to hold it against me.”



“So you left home and made a life for yourself here… what happened?” Rye asked.

“I’ll tell you at some other time,” Bloody Velvet replied. “Suffice it to say, I found out certain truths that I was unhappy with. I was unhappy at home. So I left,” she finished.

“I look forward to knowing more,” Rye said after swallowing a bite of apple.



SC276: We don’t.

Steel: An abusive pig of a husband, and even that doesn’t sound interesting. Bluh.



“Tomorrow I want you up by dawn. Rear of the ship.



SC276: Stern. The back of the ship is called the “stern,” author. Like how we’re stern with this fic.

Steel: [Rye] “You mean the stern?” [Velvet] “STERN IS NOT IN MY DICTIONARY. CRUEL IS.”



I’ll be teaching you how to shoot. I hope you are not easily spooked. Some ponies are,” Bloody Velvet said. “I must be going. I have certain duties to attend to,” she continued with a quivering smile.



SC276: That are… somehow different from her normal duties?



“And when I have some free time, we will be going over some basic combat spells,” she said as she rose and headed for the door.

“I shall do my best to not disappoint you,” Rye said as the mare pushed through the door.



SC276: But will do so anyway.



“You have already exceeded my expectations,” Bloody Velvet replied as she disappeared from view.



SC276: Talk about low standards.

Steel: [Velvet] “FIRST SET OF EXPECTATIONS COMPLETE. SECOND SET WILL BE MUCH HARDER.”



Author's Note:

And I begin to lay the groundwork for some of the major story elements.



Sigma: HOLY SHIT THIS WAS BORING.

Steel: Oh God, so FLAT.



I hope it was an enjoyable read. The important players will be introduced slowly and information about them will be revealed in time.



Sven: In the absolutely slowest and most boring fashion imaginable.

SC276: Who cares about this chick’s ex? Seriously. Unless he shows up at some point, that bunch of paragraphs was completely pointless.

RingmasterJ5: The point was tragic backstory.



Thanks for reading.



Sigma: Imagine I have the most stereotypical Italian accent right now, K? *clears throat* Eyyyy, a-fuck you.

Steel: Sonuvvabitches, I-a keep tryin’ to get outta the game-a, but the BAD AUTHORS, they just-a PULL ME BACK IN-A!

SC276: Here we go! Super Mario!



And let me know if I missed any of those pesky typos.

Also, do not harass Bloody Velvet. If you do, you do so at your own risk.



SC276: Uh, yeah, the name itself already establishes that.

Steel: Rye will harass her at some point just BECAUSE of the risk.



Chapter 4



SC276: Oh god there’s still more.

Sigma: NO MORE, MASTER! I BEG OF YOU!

Steel: MARCH ONWARD, GENTLEMEN! IT WON’T BE LONG NOW! THE LIGHT IS RIGHT THERE AT THE END OF THIS FLAT, BLAND TUNNEL!



The dawn was cold and grey. Rye Mash stared out over the rear of the ship.



Sigma: [Rye] “Nope, that’s one kind of rear I can’t fuck.”

Steel: [Rye] “All the holes look too sharp for me.”



He had awoken quite early,



Steel: [Rye] “OHGODVAMPIREERECTIONSEVERYWHERE!”



freezing cold and able to see his breath.



Sigma: [Rye] “I’m cold… Am I dead? But I’m awake, so… I’m a vampire... But I’m breathing. So I’m not dead. HA! The vampires haven’t gotten me yet!”

Steel: [Rye] “LOGIC WINS AGAIN!”



He had covered himself with the blanket during the night, but had neglected to wrap it around him, not thinking that he was exposed from below because of the now hated hammock. He was sore all over from shivering and stiff from the cold.



SC276: We’re sore all over from the characterization and stiff from the plot.

Sigma: And all the other characters are sore from dealing with our interpretations. I almost feel sorry for them.

Steel: I don’t. Rye seems to be stiff all the time, and he isn’t complaining!



His balls felt like raisins, not that he would ever admit such an uncouth thing out loud where other ponies might hear.



Sigma: ...

Steel: [Rye] “I feel like the universe just wronged me for some reason.”



It was so cold that they had retreated to warmer places and Rye was thankful that his tail covered up his embarrassment.



Steel: And our fear.

Sigma: Our delicious fear.



He stomped his hooves as his teeth chattered. His nostrils stung and he could feel what felt like pinpricks on his ears.



Steel: [Rye] “Ears asleep, nose hurts, stomping on hammock completely ineffective!”



Crewmembers bustled around him, seemingly unaffected by the cold.



Sigma: [Rye] “Only ONE thing isn’t-” [Everyone] “WE AREN’T VAMPIRES.”

Steel: [Rye] “THAT’S WHAT VAMPIRES WOULD SAY! And that’s not even what I was talking about!”



Most of them were pegasi, and he supposed that pegasi had some sort of natural cold resistance, living up in the clouds as most of them did.



Steel: [Rye] “Their thick coats make for exceptional blankets, especially when harvested early.”



“You’ll get used to it.”

Rye felt relief when he heard Bloody Velvet’s voice.



Steel: [Velvet] “IF IT WOULD PLEASE THE RYE UNIT, I CAN REPLACE YOUR SKIN WITH SYNTHETIC MATERIALS.” [Rye] “Lllet’s leave the flaying for another day, I’ll survive.”



He had been here early and was waiting on her, which he hoped was a good sign. She came



Steel: Heh.



into view a moment later, seemingly unaffected by the cold.



Steel: [Rye] “Is that ice on your tail?”



Her breath was visible and steam wafted from off of her back.



Steel: [Rye] “Might I say you look very ho—” [Everyone] “NO.”

SC276: So, she’s a steampunk ponybot?



She was carrying a small wooden trunk in her magic.



Steel: [Velvet] “I BROUGHT THIS SO WE MIGHT RE-ENACT A SONG I HAD HEARD, BUT I REGRETTABLY MISPLACED MY KNIFE.”

Sigma: [Rye] “That’s okay, gimme three minutes and I’ll be so hard you won’t need one.”



“Everything in this wooden trunk is for you.



Steel: [Rye] “You shouldn’t have~! I will treasure it like the fond memories of my whippings.”



Everything you need. Two pistols, a shotgun, and various supplies. Top of the line stuff. The very latest in muzzleloading technology,” she announced.



Sigma: [Velvet] “THERE IS ALSO GENITAL LUBRICANT MADE OF GUNPOWDER. I WANTED TO EXPERIMENT.”

Steel: [Rye] “Our love is already exp—” [Everyone] “SHUT UP!”



“The griffon we took them from was a noble. He had good gear. Didn’t help him as he died screaming.”



SC276: Then what makes you so sure it would help you?

Steel: [Velvet] “I AM NOT THE ONE WHO DIED.”



Rye stared at the mare and stood there with his teeth chattering.



Steel: [Rye] “S-So cold, n-need to be inside something... misplaced pegasus-fur coat...”



“I like pistols.



Steel: [Velvet] “THEY ARE GOOD VENTING MECHANISMS IN EMERGENCIES.”



While I use magic, I find that a couple of guns are really handy in combat. Allows me to conserve energy. Mine are currently in my quarters, but I can call them to me at a moment’s notice.



SC276: [Velvet] “ACCIO PISTOLS.”

Steel: References!



You are probably not as magically gifted, so use the body harness in the trunk.



Steel: [Rye] “Please, I can hold a tray steady under the worst of beatings, this is nothing!”



It can be adjusted to fit you. It has holsters for the pistols and a sheath for the shotgun. I must warn you though, it is made from leather,” Bloody Velvet said in a loud clear voice that echoed weirdly through the clouds all around them.



SC276: Author, even in Equestria, you expect us to believe that bundles of water vapor can reflect sound?

Steel: Don’t you know, SC? Clouds are the third-most common cause of death for pegasi. Drowning.



“Leather?” said Rye in disgust.



Steel: [Rye] “Is it at least crafted from rhinos? I can’t wear anything that isn’t endangered.”



“I know, it is awful, but I assure you, you will need it. The harness will hold your whole kit. The pepper shaker full of black powder,



Steel: Shouldn’t black powder be packed way tighter than that? A pepper shaker’d take too long to get the powder out. Should really be carrying pre-packed cartridges.



a tin full of wadding, one pouch full of lead balls for the pistols and one pouch full of nails for the shotgun,” the unicorn mare explained.

“Nails?” Rye inquired, his eyes going wide.



Steel: [Velvet] “YES. NAILS.” [Rye] “Creative...”



“I like nails.



Steel: [Velvet] “PHYSICISTS GET MORE ANGRY WITH EVERY PONY I KILL.”



There are also little lead pellets you can make, there is a press for them inside of the trunk, but they are a pain to produce. I prefer nails for that ‘I am going to mess up your pretty face’ effect that nails have,” she said.



SC276: I had hoped we had moved on from the whole nails thing when you put that completely irrelevant sentence in the middle there.

Sigma: Don’t be silly, that would imply logical writing from the author.

Steel: [Velvet] “THEY ALSO MAKE INTERIOR DESIGN FUN, AS YOU CAN USE A SHOTGUN TO NAIL PAINTINGS TO WALLS.” [Rye] “That does sound fun! And highly destructive!”



She paused for a moment.



Steel: [Rye] “...Er, Periscope!? I think Velvet froze again!” [Periscope] “JUST HIT THE BACK OF HER HEAD, SHE’LL RESTART!”

Sigma: [Rye] “HIT IT WITH WHAT?” [Periscope] “ANYTHING BUT WHAT YOU USUALLY USE.”

Steel: [Rye] “BUT I’M ALREADY HARD!” [Periscope] “DON’T HIT HER WITH THAT, YOU’RE LIABLE TO LOSE IT WHEN SHE LASHES OUT DURING START-UP!”



“Well, all shotguns will mess up a pretty face, but nails send a message to your enemies. Psychological factors and all that,” Bloody Velvet said.

The unicorn colt was absolutely horrified.



Steel: [Rye] “Oh God, my cock is going to explode...”



“It isn’t enough just to shoot somebody. Where you shoot them is important. And what you shoot them with,” Bloody Velvet explained to the stunned colt standing before her.



SC276: You’re trying to maximize terror. This is beyond being a more lethal Robin Hood. This was not in the job description.

Steel: Spyglass is one slick fellow.



She raised her eyebrow. “Is this sinking in?” she inquired.

Rye nodded.



Steel: [Rye] “Just before we begin... quick fuck to help me focus? I can’t think past your beauty and anger.”

Sigma: [Velvet] “I SHALL DETACH MY VAGINAL IMPLANTS AND PLACE THEM UPON YOU. IT SHALL BE QUICKER.”

Steel: [Rye] “Awww...”



“Very good. I am going to show you how to load a pistol. And then you are going to load the other pistol after I show you. If you don’t get it right, don’t worry. We will go over this again and again until you get it right.



SC276: Stop choosing “yes” when they ask if you need to hear it again!

Steel: [Rye] “ONLY IF THEY STOP PUTTING THE CURSOR ON ‘YES’! MY HOOF IS GETTING TIRED FROM THE BUTTON PRESSING!”



And you want to get it right. Because if you get it wrong, the gun could explode. And that would be bad for you,” Bloody Velvet warned.



Steel: [Velvet] “I WOULD FIND IT HILARIOUS, HOWEVER.”



Rye’s eyes went even wider at the mare’s words and he resolved to pay attention. The last thing he wanted was his gun exploding anywhere near him. Especially a gun full of nails.



SC276: OK, do we have any gun experts we haven’t excommunicated? I want to know the viability of this nonsense.

Sigma: If Kudzu heard you say that he’d probably yell “MAGIC,” like a scrub.

Steel: Someone say gun expert? Nails are actually extremely ineffective ammunition due to their aerodynamic inequalities. They also can’t be used as slugs, as you would need a train track rail spike for it to be big enough, and those are far too heavy to fly very far. Also, if you packed them all tightly together, you, for one, would not get many into the barrel, and two, they wouldn’t fly out too fast or too accurately. This is the same reason why a nail gun cannot be used as a weapon, as the nail will slow down far too quickly before reaching its target, and will also spin wildly through the air, making a clean hit with the tip astronomically hard to pull of. In the end, you are simply better off shooting someone with a proper birdshot shell, or a slug.



His imagination became a bit overactive and he shuddered in disgust.



Sigma: [Rye] “How am I going to ejaculate with a nail in my urethra?”

Steel: ...Whack off really really hard? Also, phantom pains.



He tried to push the horrible thoughts out of his mind.



Steel: [Rye] “But they JUST! KEEP! COMING!”

Sigma: Just like Rye!



He watched the unicorn mare as she opened the trunk and pulled out one of pistols.



Steel: I think someone forgot the ‘out of’ number for the quest.



It was large. Much larger than Rye expected.



Steel: [Rye] “I will not be inadequate to a gun. Prepare to be my bitch...”



Not so much a pistol as a small cannon, or so he thought.



SC276: Captain Skurvy‘s handcannon?

RJ: No, Randel Oland’s gun.



The hole in the barrel was larger than a grape.



SC276: But was it bigger than a breadbox?

Sigma: Will it blend?



She lifted it in her magic and held it before his eyes. He peered down at it.



Sigma: [Rye] “Prepare to be barrel-fucked.”

Steel: [Rye] “It’s like a dick and a vagina put together! Magical.”



The grips were made of rosewood and the metal parts were shiny and looked like silver.

“Pay attention.



SC276: Let’s not and say we did.

Steel: [Rye] “...Sorry, what? I was staring at the gun’s meticulous detail which I will never pay attention to again.”



Always make sure the gun is unloaded before you begin and that it is half cocked.



Steel: [Rye] “Hehe.”



Like so,” Bloody Velvet said. She pulled back the hammer until it made a click. “And this is the ramrod,”



Steel: [Rye] “Ha.”



she said, pulling a long thin metal rod out from under the barrel of the pistol. “You will note that it has a mark right here,” she said, highlighting the notch with her magic. “When you insert it into the muzzle, if the end of the muzzle lines up with the notch, the gun is unloaded. If this line extends past the end of the muzzle, the gun is loaded. Got that?”



Steel: When did we start playing World of Guns?

Sigma: Whu? I fell asleep.



“Yes ma’am,” Rye said. “I want to make sure the notch lines up,” he repeated.

“Good colt,” Velvet praised.



SC276: I’m not sure whether or not this would cause him to cum instantly.

Steel: [Velvet] “NOW CLEAN THIS MESS UP BEFORE I CONTINUE.” [Rye] “But—” [Velvet] “I WILL NOT LICK IT UP.”



“What are those other marks for?” he asked.

“Ah, clever colt,” Velvet said in her loud clear voice.



Steel: [Velvet] “ARE YOU ABLE TO OPEN DOORS AS WELL?”



“This one tells you if the gun has a powder load, and this mark here lets you know about the wadded ball positions.



Steel: [Rye] “You keep pointing to the same mark.”

Sigma: [Velvet] “I NEVER SAID THEY WERE LARGE ENOUGH FOR THE NAKED EYE.”



This way you will always know the situation at the bottom of the barrel.



Steel: [Rye] “Hehe.” [Velvet] “I DO NOT SEE HOW YOU FIND THAT FUNNY.” [Rye] “Barrels are big enough to hold a pony, and perfect for getting some privacy!” [Velvet] “FOCUS, RYE.”



Like if somebody loads your guns for you, or starts to do so and goes off because of a distraction,” Velvet explained.



Steel: [Rye] “Or if I start ‘distracting’ them.”



“So never let somepony else load my guns for me



Steel: [Rye] “I will let them unload my gun though.”



and always, always check my marks just in case I get distracted or something,” Rye noted.

Velvet nodded. “You are entirely too clever,” she said warmly.



Steel: [Rye] “Ngh...” [Velvet] “NOT AGAIN, RYE.”



Rye smiled and felt a little bit warmer. Velvet was too hard of a pony to give out false praise and he felt rather good that he had impressed her.



Steel: So you learned about three notches on a gun’s ramrod, and that a hammer can be half-cocked. Clever girl indeed.

SC276: And the hardness is because she’s a robot.



“Always check the lock and trigger alignment. Sometimes they need adjusting. I will show you the finer points of this later in a very well lit environment.



Steel: [Rye] “Should I bring a stereo for the montage?” [Velvet] “I WOULD LIKE SOME MOOD SETTING MUSIC, YES.”



We will have to disassemble the pistol a bit to do this properly,” Velvet said, showing him the mechanisms. “Also, check your cap seat. You need this right here to fire the gun. It wears down over time and will need to be replaced. I will show you how to do that later. With me so far?”



Steel: [Rye] “Zzzzzzz...”

SC276: No one cares, author! No one reads pony fanfiction for half-accurate gun porn!



“Yes ma’am,” Rye answered.

“Okay, here we go. First off, lubricate your barrel.



Steel: [Rye] “Ha.” [Velvet] “RYE.”



This little vial here can be daubed onto a bit of wadding and then the barrel is swabbed.



Steel: [Rye] “Hehe.”



Not too much or you will gum up the ignition source,” Velvet warned. She demonstrated, holding the pistol pointing straight up and swabbing the barrel with a single sheet of wadding.



Steel: [Velvet] “STOP STARING AT ME.”



Rye watched her carefully and committed the process to memory. He felt that his meticulous nature would be useful here.



Steel: [Rye] “Years of practicing with my own barrel, and it really is practical knowledge! I PROVED YOU WRONG, COLLAR!”



“And then you take your pepper shaker, pop off this bit here, and then you carefully pour the powder into this little measurer.



Steel: [Velvet] “IT IS LIKE MAKING AN OMELETTE, ONLY PONIES ARE SHOOTING AT YOU.”



Once you do that, you pour the powder down the barrel of the pistol,” Velvet instructed. “Give it a few taps to settle the powder. Real easy to do with magic. Tap tap!” she chirped in a cheerful voice.



Sigma: [Rye] “Oh, I’m definitely gonna tap that.”



“Got it,” Rye acknowledged.



Sigma: [Rye] “Tap the gun, then tap that ass.” [Velvet] “YOU ARE A POOR LISTENER.”



“Now comes the shot.



Steel: [Rye] “The mo—” [Everyone] “DAMN IT, RYE!”



You grab a bullet, drop it in, and then you use this rod to tamp it down. Gently.



Sigma: [Rye] “Gentle rodding? That’s no fun.”



The lead is soft.



Steel: [Rye] “Like your h—” [Velvet] “I WILL PUNCH YOU.” [Rye] “Shutting up now.”



You don’t want to deform the bullet and have it lodged inside of your barrel, trust me,” she said as she shook her head. “Seen it happen. Messy. Blew off a griffon’s claw. Somebody was careless. Don’t let it happen to you.”



SC276: What, all the periods and fragmented sentences in a row?



Rye nodded.

“This mark will let you know that the bullet is seated,” Velvet explained as she showed him what to look for.



Sigma: [Rye] “I don’t have microscopic vision eyes, Velvet!”

Steel: [Velvet] “I WILL FIX THAT AFTER YOU PRACTICE.”



“Never stab violently,



Steel: [Rye] “But that’s the only way to know you’ve penetrated all the way in!”



but short gentle prodding, just like making love to a mare.



Steel: [Rye] “Well that’s just, like, your opinion, man.” [Oracle] “Duuuude, not cool... totally steppin’ on a brother’s schtick, man.”

Sigma: [Lens Crafter] “Why does it have to be a MARE?” [Periscope] “Shut up, Lens Crafter!” [Lens Crafter] “Oh, puhLEASE, dearie, I will not shut up!”



A firm thrust followed by holding it in place to seat your load.”



Sigma: [Velvet] “I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY OF SPEAKING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND.”

Steel: [Rye] “It is much easier to understand than other things.”



Rye’s blood was suddenly far too warm inside of his body and the cold air ceased to bother him at all. He felt overheated and began to sweat.



Steel: [Rye] “Gnnnh... are your implants supposed to generate this kind of heat...?”

SC276: And this is why all the other crew members can ignore the cold.



“Oh… oh my. You’re an innocent little colt, aren’t you?” she asked.



Steel: [Rye] “Yes, Mama’s innocent little colt...” [Velvet] “I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER UNIT.” [Rye] “You could be...”

Sigma: [Velvet] “I DO NOT WISH TO BE A SUN PRINCESS, HOWEVER.”



“No, don’t bother saying anything that might embarrass us both,” Velvet suggested. The corner of her mouth began to twitch slightly.



Sigma: [Velvet] “I HAVE REALISED THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE AT THIS POINT.”

Steel: [Rye] “Quite right! I could never say anything that embarrasses us both.”



Rye could not tell if it was from repressed laughter or a nervous tic.



SC276: Could be a repressed scream. You really need to broaden your horizons.

Steel: [Velvet] “I HAVE NO FEELINGS AND I MUST SCREAM.”



Her symptoms didn’t seem as bad this morning. He became painfully aware of the fact that his balls had thawed out and he could feel the cold on his now overheated thin and wrinkled skin back there.



Sigma: Oookay, why is this being mentioned? I feel like a record scratch has gone off in my head.

Steel: [Rye] “The universe is staring directly at my scrotum, and this is making my erection die.”

SC276: So he gets off to pain and suffering, but only if no one sees it…?



Bloody Velvet giggled and then continued. “Gentle prodding. Gentle. Now add a bit of wadding to secure your shot in the barrel. Tamp that down. Again, do so gently. Never slam your ramrod down. Now, the gun is loaded,” Bloody Velvet announced.

Rye looked at the pistol and then at Velvet, his cheeks still on fire.



Sigma: Quite literally on fire, in fact. They began melting into pools of blood and skin.

Steel: [Velvet] “YOUR CHEEKS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT UNTIL AFTER I HAVE SAT ON YOUR FACE.” [Rye] “Merely getting prepared, my love.”



“Now, we seat a cap right here. Griffons need a priming tool, but we can just use magic to seat the cap on the nipple.



Steel: [Rye] “Pfff.”



Secure the safety, and pull the hammer back to full cock.



Steel: [Rye] “Ha.”



You are done, the gun is loaded, You are free to secure the pistol back into its holster until you need it. Just pull it out,



Steel: [Rye] “Heh.”



flip the safety, point, aim, and shoot,”



Steel: [Velvet] “NO.” [Rye] “Awww...”



Velvet said.



SC276: Please don’t tell me the author thought he was being clever with that dialogue.



“I think I got it,” Rye said.

“Don’t tell me, show me,”



Steel: [Velvet] “REACH BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND I SWEAR I WILL REMOVE WHAT IS BACK THERE.”



Velvet said, looking down at the other gun secured in the trunk. “Think you can do everything I just showed you?” she asked.



Sigma: [Rye] “Maybe. One question, how do I do the thing where I shoot boiling oil out of my teats?” [Velvet] “PERHAPS NOT EVERYTHING.”



Rye nodded but said nothing. He concentrated and lifted the gun in his magic. He closed his eyes and thought about everything Bloody Velvet had shown him.



Steel: [Rye] “...Nope, I can only see her ass. Let’s take it from the top.”



He pulled the hammer out to half lock.



Steel: Immediately not using the proper term. It’s like Kudzu knew this riff was going to happen!

Sigma: Perhaps he means half mast.

Steel: [Rye] “This gun will be the first of many lovers...”



He then opened his eyes and inserted the rod down into the barrel of the gun to check which mark he aligned with.



Steel: [Rye] “A steady thrust, and hold...”



The pistol was empty.



Steel: [Rye] “But I know just what to fill her with.”



He took a single sheet of wadding, daubed it with the oil vial, and then slid it down the barrel.



Steel: [Rye] “You should never make love without protection...”



He carefully lifted the pepper shaker and measured out a bit of powder.



Steel: [Rye] “Some food play never hurts...”



He then poured it down the barrel. He tapped the pistol three times using his magic.



Steel: [Rye] “Ohh, dirty girl, you like that...”



He lifted a ball and inserted it into the end of the barrel,



Sigma: [Velvet] “RYE. I WAS NOT SPEAKING IN SLANG WHEN I SAID BALLS.” [Rye] “Oh, I know, but it feels nice.” [Velvet] “TAKE IT OUT BEFORE I TAKE THEM OFF.”



took the rod, and then carefully and gently tamped it down, feeling his cheeks ignite once again as he did so.



Steel: [Rye] “Ohhh, so you can take it all... but let’s see how much more we can fit in you, my love...”



He pressed down firmly but gently and he felt the ball and powder compress as he did so.



Steel: [Rye] “Soft and malleable, but oh so tight...”



He pulled the rod out and then stuffed some wadding down the barrel.



Steel: [Rye] “Can’t let it all come out of you, now can we, my dear?”



He secured a cap over the nipple, feeling a wave of heat wash over him as he completed this step, he then engaged the safety, and then he pulled the hammer back to full cock.



Sigma: Heavy is unimpressed. Come back when you can do it in three seconds.

Steel: [Rye] *Deep breath, before lighting a cigarette and taking a puff* “Hmmmm... passionate. Strong. Close... I think we’ll get along just fine.”



“Well done. Not one single mistake. I am honestly impressed,” Velvet said.



SC276: We’d be more impressed if we didn’t have to insert a bunch of our own sexual innuendo just to get through it.



“Now we can fire them.



Steel: [Rye] “Ah, yes... I had all that fun, but my sweetheart here still hasn’t released herself.”



After that, we reload them. And fire them again.



Steel: [Rye] “Not even time for pillow talk?”



And once I am sure you have the whole process down, we will begin with the shotgun.



Steel: [Velvet] “DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE WITH THE BLOOD CURRENTLY LEAKING OUT OF YOUR NOSE?” [Rye] “No! No, just... j-just need a moment... ahem...”



Do not expect breakfast. I want to see you hungry and suffering while we do this so I know you can do it under a stressful situation,” Bloody Velvet stated in a harsh voice.



Sigma: [Velvet] “AND IF YOU MENTION EYE CANDY I WILL MAKE YOU INTO A HAMSTE-HAM-HAM-HAM-A GOD DAMN RAT.”



“I understand ma’am,” Rye replied.

Bloody Velvet’s horn flashed and off of the rear of the ship, a small bullseye target presented itself. “I want you to shoot that. Don’t worry if you can’t hit it the first few times,” she commanded. “You have two shots before you have to reload, make them count. Now to shoot, lift the gun in your magic, hold it in front of your face, and try to look down the barrel.



Sigma: [Velvet] “THERE MAY BE A GORILLA AND A CHIMPANZEE IN THERE. IGNORE THEM.”

Steel: [Rye] “Should I look out for crocodiles in crowns as well?”

SC276: [Velvet] “AND ALSO THE BEAVERS IN THE GIANT STONE WHEELS.”



You will see some notches. Line them up. You want the notches lined up over the target. When you think you got it, pull the trigger back with your magic. Good luck.”

Rye carefully lifted the gun up to eye level, peered down the sights, carefully lined up the notches, understanding what he needed to do now that he saw what Bloody Velvet was talking about, and carefully took aim.



Steel: [Rye] “...Come for me.”



He pulled the trigger. There was a flash and a roar followed by the smell of rotten eggs.



RJ: [Spyglass] “Oracle! Did you just light your farts on fire? [Oracle] “IMMA ROCKET MAN!”

Steel: [Oracle] “ROCKET MAAAAAAAN! BURNIN’ OUT HIS FUSE OUT HERE ALONE!”



The target flashed red and disappeared.

Bloody Velvet stood there, one eye wide, the other eye narrowed and her eyelid twitching slightly. The ear over her twitching eye flicked a few times. “Bloody balls,” the mare swore.



RJ: [Rye] “Yes please.” [Velvet] “NOT WHAT I MEANT.” [Rye] “Can I still…” [Velvet] “NO.”



“I thought it was okay to miss,” Rye cried out in alarm.

“You didn’t miss,” Velvet snapped. “You hit it. Dead on.”



Sigma: [Velvet] “JUST NOT WITH YOUR GUNSHOT, YOU OVER-AROUSED DUCK.” [Rye] “I still hit the target, though!”



The mare turned to look at Rye and studied him carefully. “Well no bloody wonder. Look at you now. Something is different.”



SC276: But she’s not going to say what it is to preserve the dramatic tension.

Sigma: [Rye] “Oh GOD, did I become sterile because of that?!”



Rye stared at the mare. “Did I blow off my eyebrows?” he asked. “I blew off my eyebrows and now I look like an inept cretin don’t I?”



SC276: Am I missing an eyebrow?



Velvet laughed riotously in reply.



Steel: [Rye] “Oh God, the bullet rebounded and hit me, didn’t it?!” [Velvet] “NO, I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING FUNNY. THE BULLET IS ACTUALLY IN YOUR SHOULDER.” [Rye] “Oh. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”



“No, but you should have a look at your own arse,” she suggested.



SC276: British!



She laughed some more. “Spyglass is going to piss himself when he finds out about this.”



Sigma: [Rye] “If someone drew a dick on it again, they’ll have to do better than that!”



Rye jerked his head around, trying to see what was so funny. He couldn’t see anything out of place.

Bloody Velvet moved to his side and whacked him solidly on his backside.



SC276: So, was that where one would place a saddle, or his butt?



“Ow!” he cried, staring at where she had struck him. He gasped. “I have a mark now,” he said in a low voice.



Sigma: That’s what happens when you get slapped, dipshit.

Steel: [Rye] “Do it again. I need one on the other side, or else it’ll drive me crazy.”



“That you do,” Velvet agreed.

There was a pair of crossed pistols now upon his backside, smaller versions of the pistols that Velvet had given him. He blinked a few times, trying to take in what he was looking at.



RJ: You’re Chow Yun-fat now.

Steel: Or John Wayne. Pow pow pow!

RingmasterJ5: Okay, wait just a fucking minute here. He hasn’t even used the pistols ON anyone yet, let alone even had them for more than a few hours at most, and the exact same pistols he just got are already going to be on his ass for the rest of his life. Seems a bit early(and specific), don’t you think?

Steel: A Cutie Mark should arrive with a critical epiphany or realization of what a pony loves to do. It’ll be their destiny, the path they walk for the rest of their lives, yet so far, all we’ve seen is Rye get all blushy about his guns.



“A pony with a firearms talent. First time I’ve ever seen that,” Bloody Velvet said.



Sigma: Gee, I wonder why.

Steel: [Velvet] “ALL THE OTHER ONES I HAVE TRAINED TO USE FIREARMS KILLED THEMSELVES, OR SHOT ME, AT WHICH POINT I KILLED THEM. YOU ARE A RARITY.”



“Well, you just increased your value a great deal Rye Mash. When Spyglass hears about this he is going to be very pleased that he convinced you to be in his employ.”



Sigma: [Velvet] “WELL… LESS REGRETFUL, THAT IS.”

Steel: [Rye] “How could he be regretful about bringing me on?” [Velvet] “I HAVE SEEN HIM DRINKING RECENTLY. I DRAW MY CONCLUSIONS FROM THAT.”



“I have a mark,” Rye said again.



Steel: [Rye] “But not a matching one on my other buttche— AGH, YES!” [Velvet] “THERE. STOP COMPLAINING NOW.”



He continued to stare at his own backside. “I have a meaning for my life. A purpose. I have a reason to exist,” he said in an excited tone.



Steel: [Rye] “Killing ponies... the first step to conquering the world.”



“Yeah you do,” Velvet replied. “Too bad when other folk meet you, the purpose for their own life is going to end.”



Steel: [Rye] “Unless they join my cause.”



Rye felt a cold chill at Bloody Velvet’s words and the implications of what she said.



Sigma: [Rye] “But corpses can’t struggle! Where’s the fun in that?”



“Oh, don’t look so glum. We all have to serve a purpose. Your purpose is to put an end to those awful sorts that rob other beings of their potential.



Sigma: [Velvet] “LIKE THE PEOPLE AT FOX WHO DECIDE WHAT SHOWS LIVE AND DIE. OR THE PEOPLE AT SONY WHO PRICE ANIME SO HIGH.” [Rye] “...Are you bitter about having to torrent because of expensive anim-” [Velvet] “25 EPISODES SHOULD NOT BE $500.”

SC276: You think she would have run across CrunchyRoll by now.

Steel: Or WatchOP.



That’s what slavery is you know. Theft of life. A robbery of purpose.



Steel: [Velvet] “I AM NEW TO THIS ‘REPEATING MYSELF CONSTANTLY’ THING. AM I DOING IT TO A SATISFACTORY LEVEL?” [Rye] “You need to say it in a different way a couple more times, but excellent effort!”



With a mark like that, you are going to go places Rye.



Sigma: [Velvet] “LIKE THE GALLOWS.”

Steel: [Rye] “Or a volcano lair!”

SC276: That would be an interesting homecoming present!



Now come on. I want to you keep shooting and reloading until I feel that you are comfortable with the process.



SC276: Because they have the infinite ammo cheat on.

Steel: [Velvet] “AND DO NOT SUCK ON IT WHILE IT IS LOADED.” [Rye] “But, a filled gun is so attractive...!”



And congratulations on your mark,” Velvet said in cheerful tones.



Steel: [Velvet] “I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOUR FACE ON WANTED POSTERS.”



Rye managed to give Velvet a halfhearted smile, the joy of having his mark now faded, the sobering knowledge of what his mark represented settling into his mind.



Steel: Before being replaced with a mad grin as he turned to the sky and belted out a raucous, insane laugh. His purpose had been made clear, and soon, the entire world would know his name! He was Rye Mash, assassin, evil overlord, and soon to be conqueror of the world!

SC276: This is what happens when you mix pleasure and business, people.



Author's Note:

I am having entirely too much fun writing Bloody Velvet.



Sigma: Not as much fun as we’re having destroying said writing.

Steel: Velvet is a much better character as a robot.

Sigma: Because she has some character now. Heyo!



A fine lady always minds her nails.



Sigma: And screws and bolts. Can’t have our androids falling apart on us because of a loose piece.

Steel: Periscope has his work cut out for him...



Let me know if I made any boo-boos.



Fallen Prime: Oh, fuck off. Don’t act like you listen to people who tell you that you did.

Steel: Actually, thank you for ignoring everybody! Because this story is just ripe for riffing.





* * *





Steel: And that’s it! Four chapters down!

Sigma: Holy shit those last two bored me.

Steel: I know. At least we got a whole cavalcade of sex jokes, and an entire ‘lovemaking’ session with a gun. Rye Mash is quickly becoming one of my favorite characters. To write, mind you. Not read. Reading this is kinda sucking the fun out of reading stories in general.

Sigma: Aye. That it is.

SC276: I’ve forgotten, have any of these characters used an exclamation mark? Because they really don’t feel like much of like… characters. Or at least not characters worth thinking about. At all.

Steel: We’ve got the alcohol reference, the twitchy one, the cap’n guy, the crew guys, the noble, and, uh... the guns? I think they count as characters. They should, given the actual quality of characterization here.

Sigma: Also, did anyone else find it out of place when the story actually started mentioning balls and stuff?

SC276: Yeah, putting everything in a sexual context is our job.

Sigma: And we’re consistent. Whereas he mentions shrivelled raisin testicles suddenly at the start of a chapter. Is this how Kudzu usually writes?

RingmasterJ5: Oh, absolutely. Gets a lot worse next part, but I don’t want to spoil it.

Steel: We’ll be ready for it. FOR NEXT TIME, RYE BEGINS HIS PLANS FOR CONQUERING THE WORLD. And actually... you know, we went and re-wrote all these characters.

Sigma: Not to mention, gave ACTUAL character to a lot of them.

Steel: ...Think we should do the same to the whole world? Hell, I kinda wanna see what Rye is like after he’s conquered a few countries.

Sigma: Probably not unlike the world of 120 Days.

Steel: That’s vile... but possible.

SC276: Let’s see… sadomasochist with a hair-trigger going through pony puberty and has a talent for killing people… One small push in the “wrong” direction and this will be GLORIOUS.

Steel: Gentlemen... I think we just discovered a certain blonde pony’s great great great great grandparent…

(Also, we have three more parts to this riff over in the main doc here, if you made it this far.)





SC276: Oh yeah, and in case anyone was waiting for it: two bits~!

RingmasterJ5: ...SC, what are you still doing here? We have things to plan.



* * *





Steel: And here we are again.

RingmasterJ5: Since this riff turned into their show, I’m giving Steel and Sigma the reigns for the intro this time.

Steel: Obliged, Ring Master. *Doffs on a top hat.* Welcome, one and all, to The Catch, as told by some riffers who probably had too much to drink. I dunno, I haven’t got a breathalyzer off-hand.

Sigma: YOU’VE had too much, maybe, but seeing as I’m underage, I just have grape juice and sparkling cider. Cheap ass.

Steel: Yeah, ‘grape juice’ and ‘sparkling cider’.

Sigma: Doesn’t even taste very good. Anyway, I believe we are here because we basically gangbanged The Catch whilst simultaneously giving it a filthy makeover like some cheap beauty parlor, and now we’re gonna do it again.

Steel: Gangbanged it so hard, it got pregnant with The Fumble.

Sigma: Remember, if your birth was unplanned, you’re not an accident, just a fumble. Though considering, one would have to drop at least ONE ball to bang in the first place.

Steel: Hoho! And on that note, let’s begin! On with the adventures of Rye Mash, Future World Emperor, and his Queen, Bloody Velvet!

Sigma: Now with 50% more robots & boners, and 100% more actual humor!

Steel: Because if you want to have a laugh, you’ve gotta write it yourself these days. Alright, we’ve got story sign! ...We still say that, right?

Sigma: It doesn’t have the same ring as movie sign and it only works if you hear and see them flailing like idiots, so… No.

Steel: Crap. Oh, I know! How about we start it the way Rye Mash would?

Sigma: By fucking the shit out of each other like drunken horny whales?

Steel: Nah, let’s save that for the honeymoon... uhh…

Sigma: ...If I find Rohypnol in my drink, I’m going to go Gate of Babylon on your ass.

Steel: Nah, I used all that up on Velvet. It’s hard to drug a robot.

Sigma: So you really ARE starting it like Rye.

Steel: It’s the only way to start this riff properly. *Pulls out a bunch of syringes* Let the drug injections commence! ONWARDS, BROTHERS!

SC276: *sounds of hammering finished* There. Added the chapter headers in the same style they were in the first riff. It bugged me in the Mykan thing, and like hell I’m going to let this bore of a fic pass without obvious breaking points that will survive all our paragraph insertion. You’re welcome.





Chapter 5

Rye frowned as he stared down at the



Steel: Numerous syringes stuck in his body.



miscellaneous scraps of paper before him. There were dozens and dozens of them.



Sigma: And there still wasn’t enough to clean up his blown load.

Steel: [Rye Mash] “Why don’t they make these in six-ply...?”



The captain was trusting him with them, and that made Rye feel pretty good about himself.



Sigma: [Rye] “If he trusts me, it means my deceptive seduction is working, mmmyes!”

SC276: Good feelings gone.



These scraps of paper were valuable.



Steel: [Rye] “...Be honest and be beaten to within an inch of my life for orgasming all over these super-important documents, or lie and blame someone else for doing it. In both cases, I get off again... hmmm...”

Scarlet: I guess the exchange rate on parchment is going through the roof right now. Did I miss something?

RJ: EXTREEEEEMMMMMMEEE COUPONING!



Irreplaceable. They told a story. They explained something. And he was determined to find out what that something was.



Steel: [Rye] “...Maybe tomorrow.”

Scarlet: “My god! It’s the rough draft of Donald Trump’s autobiography!”



The past several days had been filled with lessons of all kinds.



Steel: [Rye] “And all of them sexual.”



Some shooting,



Steel: They’re still scraping the stuff off the walls.



which had ceased because Bloody Velvet didn’t want him to burn through his supplies,



Steel: Oh yeah, sure. ‘Supplies’.

Sigma: No, literally, his cum was acidic and burning the supplies.

Steel: [Rye] “Both my greatest fantasy, and my most terrible curse.”



a few lessons in practical combat magic,



Steel: [Rye] “I never knew if you twisted somepony’s dick like that, it would just rip off so easily.”

Scarlet: No, no, not like that- you have to put a little more torque on it, and really half the time you’ll be fighting mares anyway so it’s best to why are you all looking at me like that?



some time spent learning what was expected from him as a cabin colt,



Steel: [Rye] “...I colt cabins, I guess?”

Scarlet: “I still don’t understand the purpose of the tiny speedo.”

SC276: Do tell us, story. Honestly. We don’t know either, and it would’ve been nice if this fic had a little research behind it.



and a full tour of the ship.



Steel: [Rye] “Not a single prostitute, sex dungeon or prisoner in sight! What a rip!”

RJ: He kinda gave it to himself after getting lost one day.



He was expected to know every inch of it.



Steel: [Rye] “I knew it just as well as my dick.”



The Whalefish was a large vessel with a crew of over fifty.



Steel: Only fifty, because everyone was a whale. Zing!

SC276: The “Whalefish?” The ship is called the Whalefish? Um… hang on… Oh my god, that is an actual ship name that is used. I don’t know whether to blame reality or the author.



It was powered by steam.



Steel: [Rye] “So that’s why all the exhaust pipes say ‘Don’t fuck this, Rye’.”

Sigma: Wow. I guess Gabe Newell DOES own everything.

Scarlet: I don’t remember Greenlighting this!

RJ: … Goddammit, I REALLY need to watch what I buy during the summer sales.



It had once burned coal but had since been upgraded with arcano-tech boilers so it was harder to track in cloud cover.



Steel: The boilers were developed by Magigobbygook, Ltd.

Sigma: It now burned on unholy souls.

Scarlet: Those jerks! The carbon footprint is going to go through the roof!



He had copied the scraps over to several sheets of paper and



Steel: Considered using them like he used the scraps.

Scarlet: No, Rye, you fool! You’re only decreasing the supply and increasing demand for untouched paper!



had begun to circle words that kept reappearing over and over, hoping to spot patterns.



Steel: [Rye] “...Why does this message say ‘Penis penis penis penis penis’?”

Sigma: [Rye] “And why does the formatting shape an erect penis?”

Steel: [Rye] “...Wait! It’s the vampires! THEY’RE TARGETING EVERYPONY’S DICKS! It all makes sense now!!”



The code was devious.



Steel: [Rye] “This paper is devising my demise, I know it.”

Scarlet: ...According to my decoder ring it’s just pig Latin.



There were no easy three letter words to spot, and that concerned him.



Steel: Because the language it used had FOUR letter words! And every conjunction started with ‘F’.



He had however discovered many instances of a six letter word that kept reappearing



Sigma: And that word was boners.

Scarlet: “What does ‘Argggh’ mean?”

Topher: It defends a great treasure, the black beast of ARGGGH!



and he suspected that three letter words might be represented by six letters, two letters for each actual letter in the word to throw off the codebreakers.



Sigma: [Rye] “Man, I just want to find the code for unlimited lives in Super Mario 64! I wish I had Gameshark instead of Codebreaker.”

Steel: [Rye] “Stupid, cheap piece of crap...”



There were variations to be found in the six letter word that kept reappearing, but it was close enough that it made Rye suspicious.



Steel: [Rye] “Does this really say boners...?”

Scarlet: I believe it says “killing”, making the first lines “I like kil-” wait, damn it. Sorry, I got it mixed up with the Zodiac killer’s message to the press. Again.



There was a knock and then the door was thrown open. “On deck now, we’re hunting a ship,” Spyglass said, sticking his head in the door.



Sigma: However, he didn’t open the door before sticking his head in it, leaving him in an uncomfortable position.

Steel: [Spyglass] “I’m taking the door repairs out of your pay.” [Rye] “YOU’RE the one who just smashed his head through it, though!” [Spyglass] “That’s because the door is mine.”

SC276: “PAY ME FOR THE DOOR REPAIR CHARGE.”



Rye carefully tucked his papers away and folded the desk.



Steel: [Rye] “The wonders of paper desks.”

Scarlet: I choose to believe he folded the wood using super strength.

SC276: Did he get it from his voice?



He was already armed. At Bloody Velvet’s advice, he slept with his harness on and his pistols secured on his body.



Steel: He was sure to flip the calendar on his wall, saying ‘DAYS SINCE MISFIRE WHILE SLEEPING: 1’.

Scarlet: “Velvet, are you sure I should be pointing the muzzles towards myself at all times?”



His shotgun was tucked away in a sheath that ran the length of his body.



Sigma: And by his shotgun we mean his penis.

Steel: Just as powerful, and just as able to make a massive mess.



He emerged upon deck a few moments later and saw the crew looking grim.



Steel: [Rye] “Why are you all reading Goosebumps?”

SC276: [Telescope] “We need to preserve our memories of these stories as best we can before the movie ruins them.”



Bloody Velvet was concentrating and her horn glowed with eye burning intensity.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Right, sorry, here are your emergency sunglasses.” [Rye] “Fashionable and practical.”

RJ: [Periscope] Don’t pester her, we’re upgrading her to Windows 10.

SC276: She’ll hold up fine until the taskbar starts glitching out again.



Rye took his place at the captain's side and looked down to eye his kit, hoping that he had properly tucked away his gear.



Sigma: It seems that his pants were not tight enough to tuck away EVERYTHING, however.

Steel: The crew would talk for days about how Rye has three penises, and his erections are as hard as steel.



“Stay silent,” Spyglass whispered.



Sigma: They can only see things based on smell. Wait...

Steel: [Rye] “Shit, now I regret masturbating last night...”



“Velvet has made us invisible, which is quite a feat for a unicorn.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Hey, stop trying to invisibly bang the crew you bastard, they can still see you!”

Steel: [Rye] “NO THEY CAN’T!” [Telescope] “YES I CAN, YOU HORNY BASTARD!” [Rye] “Nooooo, I’m just a figment of your imagination!” [Telescope] “GET OFF ME!”



We’re moving in to board the ship. Looks to be of griffon make. Probably a slave ship,” the captain said, giving Rye the rundown on the situation.



Steel: [Rye] “That’s not a proper rundown. You have to tackle me over first!”

Scarlet: “Alright. I’ll go get Principles of Modern Accountancy and-” “BOARD it, not bore it!”

SC276: Because it’s not like griffon airships can also transport anything else.



Rye could feel the tension in the air and in his muscles.



Steel: [Rye] “That’s the last time I sleep on that electrified torture chair...”

Scarlet: “It feels like marshmallows!”



He pulled out one of his pistols, glanced it at, looking it over nervously.



Steel: [Rye] “The first time I use this properly... you’ve been good to me, sweetheart.”



He slid it back into its holster and then pulled the second, also giving it a once over. He could fire and reload three times in one minute, which Bloody Velvet had been mildly impressed with.



Sigma: Slightly disturbed, but still, impressed.

Steel: He had a weird fascination with constantly checking the rifling with something other than the stick the pistol came with.



A crack gunslinger could load and fire five times in a minute, which left Rye something to work for.



Scarlet: Heroin shooters underperform notoriously, and let’s not get started on marijuana.

Sigma: At least that last one does the least damage to your body. That is, till you get too high to dodge.

Steel: Or see the barrel as a portal to another world. Which, with the wrong hoof movement, wouldn’t be too far from the truth.



He hoped that he could perform under pressure.



SC276: Going by the canon we’re making up, he’s already got that down pat.

Steel: Depends on the kind of ‘pressure’.

Sigma: His dick is facing the pressures of the centre of the Earth. Will it survive?



His tongue felt dry and it clung to the roof of his mouth.



Scarlet: It’s okay, man. First time’s always stressful. As a bit of practical advice, don’t be afraid to try new things, and make sure your partner is using pro- this is about shooting, isn’t it.

SC276: So, his tongue turned into peanut butter?

Steel: Apparently. Also, Scarlet, this is Rye Mash. Everything is about only one kind of ‘shooting’.



The clouds parted and he saw the griffon ship.



RJ: They have Moses as their figurehead.

Steel: Sesom, you mean. He parts the skies.

Sigma: Then who parts the land, a really fat yo momma joke?



It was a bit larger than The Whalefish but did not look to be as well armed. He spied cannons peeking out the sides. Small guns.



Scarlet: The other cannons had called them “runts” in school and taken great pleasure in stealing their lunch money.

Steel: Why hasn’t anyone made a dating sim about that?

Sigma: Who says they haven’t? Everything is on the internet. Everything.



And they seemed to be completely oblivious about the ship creeping up on them.

“Steady,” Spyglass said, eyeing his nervous crew.

A terrible stench was in the air. Rye’s nose crinkled. It smelled of piss and crap, and even worse.



RJ: [Rye] Oooohhhh goddess yeeeesss, just how I likes it... [Spyglass] I want your pistols ready, NOT your gun!



The unicorn gagged and felt sick.



Scarlet: Rye, dammit, I know you were nervous but this is no way to start the raid!

Steel: [Spyglass] No, no, you do NOT go to the bathroom right before we start! No, n— God damn it! Someone find another DPS!



He looked at Spyglass and the pegasus was holding an orange spiked with cloves



SC276: So, the cloves are sticking out of the orange...? Also, why is he the only guy with one of those?

Steel: [Rye] “You shouldn’t have!”



up to his nose with one wing.

The harpoon guns were ready, and the cables were carefully greased in their spools.



Steel: [Telescope] “Wait... why do these cables smell like Velvet after a bad maintenance session?”

Sigma: [Velvet] “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY VAGINAL COOLING UNIT? I GOT STUCK ON A HARPOON EARLIER AND CANNOT FIND IT.”

Steel: [Telescope] “...”



“Remember, do not damage the gasbag.



Sigma: ...I’m REALLY surprised that he didn’t make a fart joke out of this.



We have prisoners still below. If there are slaves, we have no room to keep them, so we will need to tow the ship,” Spyglass commanded.



Scarlet: “And if any of you charge out there screaming ‘Leeroy Jenkins’ I will personally ram my hoof straight up your rectal cavity and then lock you in the brig!”

SC276: So what happens if they raid a ship and there aren’t slaves aboard?

Steel: Then Rye mans the cannon and gleefully rapes the gasbag.



Rye could hear gagging as the stench settled over the rest of the crew. He could hear muttering and the words “slave stench” were being said over and over in a low murmur from the crowd.



Scarlet: “Eewwww, do we have to save slaves? I mean they’re icky and smelly!”

Steel: [Rye] “I mean, I get off to that, but you know.”



“I am going to carry you over and drop you on deck,” Spyglass warned as he looked sternly at Rye Mash.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “After that we’re going to nuke it from orbit. Don’t try to escape- Wait, we don’t have nukes? Shit. Okay, let’s just raid them!”

Steel: [Rye] “Wouldn’t be as fun with nukes!”



“I expect for you to prove yourself today,” he said.



Scarlet: “Just remember- point the end that shoots the bullet at the other guy before you pull the trigger.”

SC276: I expect you to explain how you intend to fly with one wing holding that orange spikeball in front of your face.

Steel: [Spyglass] “Explain things? Psh, please! I’m the Captain! Telescope, explain it!” [Telescope] “Because.” [Spyglass] “Well done.”



“Of course sir,” Rye replied nervously.



Scarlet: “Point the end that shoots the bullet at our guys. Easy!”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “DO NOT load the bullets into any part of your body!”

Steel: [Rye] “Damn it!”



They were right up along side of the other ship now, just a few yards away. Rye felt a twinge of panic, worried that the ships might collide.



Scarlet: And sadly, only one of these ships was armed with canon. Many OTPs were sunk that day.

Steel: A moment of silence for the death of TwiDash.



Tension roiled through his guts and Rye feared that he was going to piss himself and make himself look like a coward.



Scarlet: Though not at the same time.

Steel: The story said ‘coward’, not ‘coward with unstable bowels’.



“Break cover!” Spyglass shouted. “Board!” he commanded.



Scarlet: “Modern Accountancy is derived primarily from society’s need to continuously track available funds for-” “BOARD, I said!”



There was a thunderous roar as the harpoon guns were fired, securing the ships together. Pegasi took to the air and swarmed the other ship.



Scarlet: “WE ARE FLUTTERDASH SUPPORTERS! WE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!”

SC276: Bloody overvocals...

Steel: The least exciting raid beginning I’ve ever seen.



Cannons were not used out of fear of harming what was bound to be in the ship’s hold.



Scarlet: You fools! Canon is the only thing that can kill a ship! Arguing only makes it stronger!



Amid all the chaos, Rye felt himself being lifted by Spyglass.



SC276: Personal space, buddy!

Sigma: Trust me, I doubt Spyglass feels like he has any at this point.

Steel: [Rye] “Well, Captaaain, sweeping me off my hooves, hmm?” [Spyglass] “Swear to the Gods above, I will drop you off this ship.”



As they crossed between ships and Rye realised that he was thousands of feet up in the air,



SC276: You are literally, tops, five feet higher than you were three seconds ago. Did you forget the entire story so far has been on an airship?

Topher: I thought we were only cruising a few feet off the ground last time I checked!

Steel: [Rye] “OH GOD SUDDEN FEAR OF HEIGHTS!”



he pissed himself. He could feel the hot liquid running down his back legs and it mirrored the hot shame coursing through his body.



Scarlet: Thaaaat wasn’t piss.

Steel: Weeeeeak.



He found himself dropped on deck next to a very confused griffon who stared at him hatefully.



Scarlet: “Awww, shit, I’m the first-to-get-killed bird, ain’t I.”

SC276: [griffon] “When I am confused, I hate everything!”

Steel: Oy, Griff, getting pissed off doesn’t get the piss off.



He saw a pistol being pulled from a sash the griffon wore. Rye cleared leather faster, aimed, and shot. It was practically point blank range.



Scarlet: And then his head explodes-

Sigma: Oh come on, don’t be silly. What is this, Fallout-



The griffon’s head vanished quite suddenly and Rye felt something hot and wet cover his face.



Scarlet: ...holy shit.

SC276: This isn’t Team Fortress 2, author.

Topher: [Pirate Impression] YARR! WAVE GU’BYE TO YE ‘ED, WANKA!

Steel: [Rye] “...You made a mess all over my face.” He says as he licks the blood up.



He didn’t have time to register what it was, he was already loading the pistol even as he was pulling out



Sigma: Pulling out never works, didn’t you even pay attention to sex ed?

Steel: [Rye] “I did, I just like to shift the blame.”



the second one. There were screams all around him.



Scarlet: “JESUS FUCK SOMEONE’S HEAD JUST EXPLODED LIKE FUCKING SCANNERS! ABORT! ABORT!”

Sigma: “I WANT MY MOMMY!”

Steel: “VELVET LOST HER HEAD AGAIN! TIME OUT!”



Pegasi and griffons were locked in battle, ancient enemies filled with ancient hatred.



SC276: This was written before the whole Griffonstone episode, wasn’t it?

Sigma: It’s Kudzu. I doubt he’d have given a shit.

Steel: I know I wouldn’t.



Griffons considered pegasi foals quite a delicacy, or so Rye had been told by a pegasus crewmember one night on deck.



Scarlet: I remember when Gilda tried to eat Rainbow Dash in junior flight camp. That was such a heartwarming episode!

Topher: What is it with monsters and eating children? It’s not like there’s very much meat.

RJ: Maybe someone made monsters a modest proposal…

Steel: Actually, when you look at the show, there’s actually a ton of meat around. Hydras’d feed an entire town.



Rye forced his legs to move and he plowed into the fray.



Scarlet: Sadly his reliance on outdated agricultural technology put him at a disadvantage.

Steel: Should’ve sharpened that blade, boyo.



He shot a griffon in the back and watched as it fell. His ears rang. He heard the clang of steel. There was so much screaming. Some sort of hot liquid splashed upon his side.



Scarlet: Sadly, that one was piss.

Steel: [Rye] “Look, I know you guys love raiding, but try NOT to hit me with your climax!”



He reloaded as he moved.



SC276: ...Subject, verb, predicate. Action. *jazz hands*

Sigma: Insult, RP action, cruel laughter.

Steel: Object verbs, subject ceases to live.



He heard a familiar voice and turned his head.



Sigma: Jesus, is that you?

Steel: [Rye] “It’s too soon! You weren’t supposed to be here until next week! At the church! I had a sacrifice ready and everything!”



Skeeter was pinned beneath a griffon and the pegasus was trying to fend off slashing blows from the griffon’s claws with his front hooves.



SC276: How is he pinned down then? Is the griffon sitting on him?

Sigma: He’ll be fine, vampires can only be killed by certain things.

Steel: [Rye] “...Seems the griffon took care of things for me.”



Skeeter’s face was bloody and one cheek was torn open.



Scarlet: Guys I’m pretty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to do pain play.

Steel: [Skeeter] “I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS’D BE NORMAL FOREPLAY!?” [Griffon] “This is normal foreplay!”



Rye raised his pistol, aimed for the griffon’s eye, and fired.



Sigma: He missed and they all died.

Steel: Now that is one hell of a trick shot.



The bullet struck the griffon in the beak, tearing away the beak and ripping most of his face off, causing the griffon to gurgle and struggle to draw breath. Skeeter shoved the griffon away and looked at Rye.



Scarlet: Sweet Celestia, the hell is this pistol firing? Just because bullets do that in Hellsing doesn’t mean they actually do that!

SC276: Apparently nails, which makes it even worse.

Sigma: [Skeeter] “Holy fuck, what the hell did you put in that thing?”

Steel: Actually, in Hellsing Ultimate, Alucard’s bullets are more like rifle rounds.



Skeeter was on his feet in a second and was at Rye’s side.



Sigma: [Rye] “AWAY FROM ME, you unholy nightcrawler!”

Steel: [Rye] “AND WHEN DID YOU GET FEET?!”



The griffon, now missing his beak, died slowly from blood loss and choking.



Scarlet: And he only had three days left until retirement!

Steel: Oof, a tired old joke for a tired old method of murder.



Rye was already reloading. Skeeter was at his side now, and the two ponies watched one another’s backs as they began to move through the fray.



Sigma: [Skeeter] “You’d kill more of them if you stopped staring at my back!”

Steel: [Rye] “That’s why I’m not staring at your back! I’m looking lower.”



The battle on the deck was already ending, over almost as quickly as it had begun.



SC276: Gheeze, these griffons suck.

Steel: Until they realized that all the ponies were dead.



Rye slipped in a puddle of blood



Steel: At least, he hoped the off-white stuff was someone’s extremely sugary blood.



and nearly lost his footing. Skeeter steadied him with a wing and Rye smiled at his friend. Poor Skeeter was in no condition to smile. The pegasus’ cheek was torn open and his molars were visible.



SC276: Half a Glasglow? Are you kidding me?

RJ: Hoo boy, Colgate ain’t gonna help that smile none.

Steel: Fifth of the way to his Comic Con cosplay as Two-Face!



Rye looked around for something to shoot. There was nothing. The deck was secured. A few griffons were being executed by Spyglass after trying to surrender.



Scarlet: ….Well that got needlessly dark.

SC276: You don’t even know for sure that there are slaves on this ship, just a stink that would naturally arise if a group above twenty was away from indoor plumbing for weeks! Unless you’re suggesting the griffons like having their possible meals marinated in fecal matter.

Steel: [Rye] “Wait, why are we killing them?” [Spyglass] “The griffons insulted my father once. You know, typical revenge plot against their entire species, completely justified.”



Rye watched in shocked horror as their heads were crushed beneath Spyglass’ hoof one by one.



Scarlet: I refer to my previous statement.

Steel: [Rye] “Place me under your iron hoof, m’lord.”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “Gladly.”

Topher: DAMN, either Spyglass is really strong or these Griffon have glass bones!



“We still have to secure the rest of the ship.



Steel: [Rye] “Can I stay up here while you guys go do that?” [Spyglass] “I just shot and crushed their heads, and I still wouldn’t leave their corpses for five seconds alone with you.”



The captain will have likely fortified himself down below,” Bloody Velvet snarled. Two guns floated near her head as she spoke.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Wait, who gave her more than one gun?” [Rye] “One of them looks really floppy… And slightly feathery…”

Steel: [Velvet] “A SOUVENIR, RYE MASH. WOULD YOU CARE FOR ONE?” [Rye] “Honestly, the only ‘souvenir’ I’d like to handle is mine...”



Both were still smoking, but looked loaded and ready to go.



Scarlet: So they’re blazing up and they’ve each downed enough whiskey to kill the population of Scotland? I dunno. This sounds like a bad combo.

Topher: Firearms and booze! Two great tastes that taste great together!

RJ: So any given weekend night in the south?

Sigma: Thank god I live away from everyone else down here.

Steel: Gotta live up in the Great White North, eh! All we gots up here is maple syrup and grizzly bear wrestling!

SC276: Insert Bear Hugger reference here.



“You going to be alright?” Rye asked the pegasus at his side.

Skeeter nodded but made no effort to speak.



Sigma: [Rye] “Damn, I need to try harder next time.”

Steel: [Rye] “He has a fever! I should check his tempe—” [Skeeter] “STICK THAT IN MY ANYWHERE AND I WILL GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT.”



Blood trickled down the side of his face.



Steel: [Rye] “You know, for a vampire, the ‘bloody conqueror’ look suits you.” [Skeeter] “I’m not a vampire!”



“I can probably stitch that up if you will let me,” Rye offered. “I learned how to sew so I could make repairs to my master’s clothing,” he explained.



SC276: I’m pretty sure sewing up flesh is a completely different experience from sewing cloth. Plus, I’m pretty sure he won’t fit under a sewing machine.

Topher: [Rye Mash] “I’ll also re-sew the buttons on your mouth and add a nice lace hem to your chin!”

Steel: Anyone else think that line is doubly dark, even after the executions?



Rye spat. The word “master” left a bad taste in his mouth.



Scarlet: They preferred the terms “top” and “bottom”.

Steel: [Rye] “Political correctness serves you in both public, and private.”



Skeeter looked afraid but nodded.



Sigma: He was signaling that Rye was distracted enough to be shot.



“Rye, I need you. Your work isn’t done. You are coming with Bloody Velvet and I below decks.



Sigma: [Velvet] “DID YOU BRING PROTECTION, CAPTAIN.” [Spyglass] “Wrong kind of coming, Velvet!”

Steel: [Velvet] “...ARE YOU SURE?” [Spyglass] “YES!”



We need to root out the captain and kill that buggering son of a bitch,” Spyglass said.



Scarlet: “I’m choosing you out of my entire crew despite your inexperience, the fact that you have basic knowledge of how to sew up injuries (apparently) and the fact that you pissed yourself on the way over here because-”

Sigma: Look, don’t use logic on Kudzu. He’ll come of with some bullshit reason to justify it then claim a deeper meaning that we’re all missing before flying away on his pretentious cloud of fucking farts.

Steel: [Rye] “Well, two reasons. One, you may want to break me emotionally with your grand monologue about how the captain wronged you in so many ways, because you were once a slave yourself and the particular griffon commanding this ship was your old master, so you’ve come to settle things after he raped you every night of your childhood. And two, because you’re a fool. It’s one or the other.” [Spyglass] “Let’s go with the backstory one, that’s half interesting.”

SC276: Wait, the captain and the first mate are going below decks towards greater danger? This is turning into Star Trek, which means Rye is either Wesley or the redshirt about to die in five seconds. Five dollars which one it’ll be, and twenty dollars it won’t be the one all of us want.

Steel: I’ll take that bet.



“Aye aye,” Rye said.

The captain raised an eyebrow and stared at the colt. “Aye aye? Really? Have you heard even one of my crewmembers say that even once?” Spyglass asked.



Scarlet: Look, just because your crew suck at being pirates...

Steel: [Rye] “Hey, this is my first chance to really get into the role! I forgot my eyepatch, but I have my bandanna right here!”



The colt shook his head “no” sheepishly but said nothing.



Steel: [Spyglass] “...Velvet, he’s staring at me.” [Velvet] “UNIT-RYE IS CURRENTLY MASTURBATING UNDER YOUR GLARE, SIR.”



Spyglass looked at the pegasus beside Rye and scowled. “That looks bad. Somepony get some cloth and apply pressure. We need to get the bleeding to stop,” the captain ordered.



SC276: It takes the captain saying it for it to happen? These guys have no survival instincts. Or knowledge of first aid.

Steel: [Telescope] “Well, we would if Oracle’d stop snorting chloroform out of them...”



“I can probably stitch it up later,” Rye offered.



Steel: [Rye] “I promise I’ll be gentle~...”



“You think you can do that?” Spyglass asked.



Sigma: [Rye] “No, but I’ll take an opportunity to kill a bloodthirsty vampire when I see one.”

Steel: [Skeeter] “CAPTAIN, TELL HIM I’M NOT A VAMPIRE!” [Spyglass] “‘Mosquito’ is pretty convincing...” [Skeeter] “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!”



“I can sew, how hard can it be?” Rye answered.



Scarlet: “Sorry about that, Skeeter. On the bright side, the denim patch I sewed to your cheek makes a lovely contrast with your coat!”



“Somebody see that the pegasus is looked after.



SC276: [Telescope] “Captain, our crew has literally two ponies that aren’t pegasi. You’re going to have to be more specific.” [Spyglass] “I can’t be bothered to remember all of your names.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “But, uh... you know, the one with the torn cheek who sucks blood.” [Rye] “VAMPIRE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” [Oracle] “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Sigma: [Skeeter] “My god. I’m going to die alone, surrounded by idiots.” [Velvet] “YOU WILL NOT BE ALONE. I SHALL BE HERE WITH YOU, EXAMINING YOUR ORGANS FOR VIABILITY IN EXPERIMENTATION.”

Steel: [Skeeter] “...I’d say ‘heartwarming’, but you’d probably stab me with a thermometer in order to test just how ‘heartwarming’ statements like that are...”



Gather the wounded together and make sure they are cared for and given the respect they deserved. Young Mister Rye Mash will be sewing them all up later,” Spyglass announced.



Scarlet: “Even me, sir? I just lost a limb!” “Good point. Get the extra-tough string.”



“Let’s get this over with,” Bloody Velvet barked. She was twitching alarmingly.



Sigma: Oh god, they’re still doing Pokémon runs?

Steel: [Spyglass] “Telescope! What are you doing?!” [Telescope] “IT’S BEEN A WEEK AND SHE’S THE ONLY ONE WITH A NETWORK CONNECTION!”

RingmasterJ5: [Telescope] “I’VE ALREADY MISSED SGDQ, NO WAY IN HELL AM I SKIPPING THE INTERNATIONAL.”



“I’m getting a headache. I need rest. All of this magic use is wearing me down,” she grumbled.



SC276: You get twitchier when you use a lot of magic? Do you have any rules whatsoever?

Steel: She’s like a reverse vibrator, doing more when she’s running low on battery.



She was having trouble walking on her jerky legs.



Scarlet: I keep telling you people- never confront the boss when you don’t have enough MP recovery items!

Sigma: I’m just imagining legs of Beef Jerky.

Steel: [Rye] “Delicious!”



Spyglass kicked open the door and carefully peered inside, hoping that nobody would blow his head off when he did.



Scarlet: And then someone did. The end!

SC276: If your only hope is that your foes are completely genre blind, how competent are you really?

Sigma: Wait, they’re competent?



It was dark. The lamps had been extinguished.



Scarlet: ….awwwww.

Steel: [Rye] “It was a—” [Velvet] “DARK AND STORMY—” [Spyglass] “Bag you’ll both end up in if you don’t shut up!



“Take point Velvet,” Spyglass ordered.

“No, sir, she’s not well, let me take point,” Rye offered.



Sigma: [Rye] “Now’s my chance to show off my ass!”

Steel: [Spyglass] “...Know what? Go ahead. It’s preferable you’re shot first.”



He cast one final glance at his friend Skeeter and then peered into the darkness. He lit his horn and tried to look resolute.



Scarlet: “Rye, stop twitching your eyebrow like that. It’s creepy as hell.”

Steel: [Rye] “It’s not twitching, it’s waggling.”



Spyglass looked at Rye thoughtfully and then turned to Velvet. Velvet gave a nod to the captain and the corner of her mouth tugged upwards, causing her face to contort.



SC276: “You too, Velvet.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Velvet, turn your face right side up this instant!”



“Very well. Rye, would you please lead the way,” Spyglass commanded.

Rye pulled out his shotgun and slipped through the door.



Steel: [Spyglass] “SURPRISE!” [Rye] “AHHHHHHHHHH!”



There was a narrow hallway with a door on each side and then some stairs leading down. He peered around him carefully, remembering a story about booby traps. He had no intention of being a booby.



Scarlet: So expert marksman, field doctor, decoder, trap detector- god damn it, I know he’s a rogue but no DM should allow any first level character to have this many skill points on their sheet!

SC276: *flipping through the Player’s Handbook* He could only be first level by now, second tops. So depending on his INT modifier, it would be about… 12 to… 48, I think? And Heal is not a class skill, you aren’t stitching together shit.

Sigma: Next you’re gonna be telling me they’re gonna beat the whole run with four white mages!

Steel: So many Cures.



He saw no wires, no string,



Steel: [Rye] “NOT A STRING ON ME...”



nothing like what he had heard in the story from the three legged pegasus.



Steel: ...I forget who’s being mentioned here.



He touched the floor with his magic and pressed downwards.



Steel: The entire ship fell.



Perhaps he was being too paranoid.

“You can never be too paranoid,” Bloody Velvet announced.



Scarlet: “Obama is coming for our guns! The Jews own Wall Street! PRINCESS CELESTIA FAKED THE MOON EXILE!”

Steel: Mmm... no, I can’t top that.

SC276: And now she can read minds? Great, just what we needed.

Sigma: “No, see, she didn’t fake the exile, she just faked the footage!”



Rye wanted to look at her and ask her how she knew what he was thinking,



Steel: [Rye] “They say that lovers can read each other’s minds...”



but getting distracted now was a bad idea. He made a mental note to ask her later.

“Better you don’t ask me about it at all,” Bloody Velvet suggested.



Scarlet: “Also, buy gold!”



Rye bit down on his lip in frustration



SC276: Much like we are right now.

RJ: [Velvet] TRYING TO GET YOURSELF “IN THE MOOD” ISN’T APPROPRIATE RIGHT NOW EITHER. [Rye] Dammit!



and pressed onwards, moving forward slowly and cautiously. Bloody Velvet was right behind him and Captain Spyglass brought up the rear.



SC276: It’s an airship, not a bloody dungeon.

RingmasterJ5: If they start summoning Personas, I’m leaving.

Steel: And then the ship was named Tartarus.



He checked the stairs before stepping, looking for holes in the walls, tell tale signs of some kind of booby trap.



Scarlet: I’m curious. Why would anyone put armed booby traps on the way into the hold that these guys would have had to visit daily?

SC276: Especially considering they were caught completely by surprise.

Steel: Don’t you know, though? Constant danger will keep a pirate crew on their toes and ready for anything!



There were none. He took the stairs slowly, cautiously advancing. Finally, at the bottom, he saw a four way crossing. Behind him was the stairs, to his left was a hallway, ahead of him was a long hallway ending in an ornate door, and on his right was short hallway and more stairs.



Scarlet: “But which one is the captain behind? Hmmmmm….”

SC276: This isn’t a game, author, it’s a freakin’ written work. Note that I hesitated to call it “literature.”

Sigma: I expect now that he’ll make some long winded retort about his genius and how he creates amazing literature. Thanks, SC.

SC276: Anytime.



A door opened on the left and a griffon stepped out, holding a pistol in his claws.



Sigma: He fires. Roll for survival.



Without even thinking Rye pointed the shotgun he was holding in his magic and fired.



Steel: [Rye] “BITCH, I ALWAYS GET NAT 20’S.”



The sound was deafening in the narrow confines.



Steel: [Rye] “AHHH, MY EAR!!” [Velvet] “SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE EAR IS UNPRODUCTIVE, UNIT-RYE.” [Rye] “AHHHHHHHHHHH!!”



The blast blew off one of the griffon’s forelegs and left him with a face full of nails.



Steel: [Velvet] “SHIELDS ARE FAR MORE PRODUCTIVE.” [Rye] “THANK YOU, BUT HOLY FUCK, HELP!”



Bloody Velvet strangled the griffon with her magic and finished him off.



Scarlet: Hey, that’s kill-stealing! He could’ve had solo XP!

Steel: He’s never gonna level up at this rate!



“The captain will likely be behind that door. Barricaded no doubt. And probably very well armed,” Spyglass said as he stepped into the right hallway and took cover behind a corner.



Scarlet: “We’ll need to crawl through the rest of this dungeon and find the boss key. Fortunately I’ve got the map and compass.”

Steel: “Wait, wait, I don’t remember there being an airship dungeon... is this a rom hack?”



Rye joined him and Bloody Velvet went left, stepping over the remains of the griffon.

“I’ve never been so afraid in my whole life,” Rye muttered.



Steel: [Rye] “I can b-barely walk...” [Spyglass] “Maybe pick your stiffy up off the ground then.”



“Even when you captured me and I was stuffed into a barrel.”



SC276: That’s because they weren’t shooting at you. Yet.

Steel: That would probably just make him more horny.



“Hold steady Rye,” Spyglass said in a calm whisper.

“I’m okay, just saying that I am scared out of my mind,” Rye explained.



Scarlet: “But it’s okay though I’m okay I am perfectly okay I am the okayest person to every oke an ay, I mean I am just-” “RYE!”

Steel: [Rye] “AHHHHH NOT OKAY!”



Spyglass nodded. “When this is all over it will probably settle in on you what you’ve done. Keep your nerve,” the pegasus said. “My lovely Velvet, would you so kindly open the door?” Spyglass requested.



SC276: [Velvet] “CREEP SENSOR AT MAXIMUM LEVEL.”

Steel: [Rye] “SHE’S MINE, ASSWIPE!” [Spyglass] “Of course, I wouldn’t dare separate you two... er... ‘love birds’...” [Velvet] “LOVE IS AN EMOTION, NOT AN AVIAN SPECIES.”



The door was ripped from its hinges and a thunderous blast filled the hallway.



SC276: So much for bloody stealth.

Steel: Stealth? Who needs stealth when you’re a trio of pirates on an extremely booby trapped ship?

SC276: “Extremely” may be pushing it for a ship that hasn’t shown an actual booby trap yet...



Rye looked around at all of the new holes in the walls. There were lead pellets everywhere.



Steel: [Rye] “Well, I did need something to fill the shotgun with...”



He gulped and was glad he had taken cover around the corner.

“He’ll have a second gun and maybe a few more.



Steel: [Spyglass] “A good captain will always have at least fifty guns in his office at all times.” [Rye] “...And Velvet said it was good to be paranoid...”

SC276: Let’s hope he’s a bad captain then. Maybe he’ll die quicker.



Don’t ever rush a cornered captain,” Spyglass instructed. “Just sit tight and give me time to think.”



Scarlet: “Planning for these bosses takes strategy. Strategy!”

Steel: “Strategy? Shouldn’t we just shoot them?”



Rye fiddled with his gear and began to reload his own shotgun. When he was finished, he looked at the tin of wadding and had an idea. He kept his kit clean and orderly, and had polished the metal box to an almost mirror finish.



SC276: Never mind that like half his ensemble's gunpowder and it’ll probably get dirty again real quick.

Steel: Don’t you know, though? ‘Ensemble d’explosive’ is in season!



Holding it in his magic, he levitated it out past the corner and used it to peer into the captain’s quarters. He saw no sign of the captain, who was probably behind cover.



Sigma: I feel like this is a time where magic would be VERY useful.

Steel: [Rye] “Come out, come out, wherever you— is he masturbating in there?”



He peered over at Velvet who was shaking quite badly.



Steel: [Spyglass] “Don’t mind her, one of her motor stabilizers came loose. I’ll have Telescope check her later.” [Rye] “She looks worse than an old dryer...” [Velvet] “I WILL HAVE YOUR CLOTHES DRYER THAN A DESERT IN MO-MO-M-M-LESS THAN TWO SECONDS.”



Her guns were still steady in her magic though.



Steel: I imagine her vibrating like a wash cycle with her pistols paralyzed in time.



“I have an idea,” Rye said in a very low whisper.



Steel: [Rye] “We—” [Spyglass] “If you suggest ‘get down and dirty on the floor’, I will throw you in there as bait.”



He pulled out his pistols and held them at ready with his magic. “I need you to toss that body into the hallway,” Rye instructed.



Scarlet: “Then we need to skin it, wear the skin, impersonate the dead griffin, convince the captain we mean no harm, and then bludgeon her to death with a frying pan. It’s foolproof.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “And heavily convoluted.” [Rye] “Exactly! He’d never see it coming.”



Velvet shrugged, not understanding what Rye was about to do, but complied. She hoisted up the body in her magic and tossed it into the hallway. It bounced off the wall with a loud thump.

Looking into his mirrored metal box, Rye saw a flash of white pop up. Both pistols swiveled into position and fired. Rye had used the reflection to aim. There were three gunshots. Two from Rye and one from the trapped griffon.



Scarlet: Because aiming using a reflection to fire behind you is an entirely easy and possible task which you can learn to do without ever practicing it and yeah I what.

Steel: ...Is, is there any way you could be more bland about describing an exchange of gunfire? Seriously.



There was a loud scream from the captain’s quarters.



RJ: [griffon captain] My Madoka figurines! No!

Steel: Pfff.



Unbeknownst to Rye, he had missed with one shot, but the other had scored a hit, the lead ball lodging into griffon’s front left shoulder.



Scarlet: ...Five minutes ago this made heads literally explode and tore off beaks, and now it’s like “oh it’s only a flesh wound!”



“You miserable bastard!” the griffon screamed. “You shot me…



SC276: We know, Captain Obvious. Perhaps literally Captain Obvious, for once.

Steel: ...Should write a story about that, actually.



I am going to eat your damn eyes and kill you!”



Scarlet: Eyes over easy!

Topher: Actually, it’s quite good on toast.



“You are so very lucky that you have witnesses to confirm that you made that shot,” Spyglass said. “Remind me to buy you a drink sometime. Meanwhile, we wait for him to bleed a bit,” the pegasus said as he settled himself against the wall and made himself comfortable.



Scarlet: ...why. Like, you came here to kill that “buggering captain.” And it’s not like he isn’t still armed and your mage is starting to suffer from exhaustion and yeah there is nothing that isn’t wrong with this plan.



“Oh by the old gods it hurts,” the griffon moaned. “You bastard!” he swore.

“He’s a whiner,” Velvet hissed in the dim hallway. “I hate the ones that whine as they die.



SC276: Well, rage rage against the dying of the light and all that.



Big tough slaver dies whining!” she shouted.

“Shut your cock sucking hole!” the griffon snarled.



Sigma: [Velvet] “TECHNICALLY IT IS NOT A HOLE, BUT A SLOT. AND IT DOES NOT SUCK, IT REMOVES. I SHALL DEMONSTRATE UPON UNIT-RYE.”



“I am going to kill him,” Rye announced. “That sort of language is intolerable,” he spat. “To speak to a lady in such a fashion… unthinkable!”



Scarlet: “Ladies are delicate creatures, who never occupy positions of power or military positions in this universe and- why are you all staring at me like I’m an idiot?”



“You’ve upset my cabin colt,” Spyglass shouted. “Now he is insufferably chivalrous,” the captain complained as he rolled his eyes.



SC276: He wasn’t insufferable already?

RJ: [Spyglass] Be glad he forgot his fedora back in his cabin.



Rye glared at his captain, one eyebrow raised. His reloaded guns hovered in the air before him.

“Don’t look at me like that Rye,



RJ: [Rye] … *eyebrow waggle* [Spyglass] You know what? Go back to the other look.



if you heard Bloody Velvet go off on one of her sweary streaks your ears would burn off,” Spyglass insisted.



Scarlet: “Also you just shot two dudes in the face. Foul language is officially down a few hundred rungs on the mortal-sin ladder.”

SC276: So what happens if Velvet gets the Wizard Swear?

Sigma: Voldemort’s nipple!



Rye continued to eye his floating tin, trying to see into the captain’s quarters. “She is still a lady,” Rye muttered in protest.

“Ugh, I hate waiting on dying griffons. This is more unpleasant than the stinky green dribble from an infected dick,” Velvet spat.



Sigma: ...Something about that sounds really weird.



Rye blinked a few times, unable to take in what he had just heard.



SC276: Yeah, her seeing dick before? I can’t believe it either.



“I’m not dying,” the griffon cried out in protest.



Scarlet: That is literally what I just said earlier!

SC276: “I think I’m getting better!”

RJ: “I can’t take him like that, it’s against regulations!”

Sigma: It’s only a flesh wound.



Rye moved his shotgun along the floor, trying to maneuver it down the hall. He watched the reflection in the polished tin carefully. There was no sign of the griffon. The shotgun was a mere inch off of the floor and creeping down the hallway. Rye was struggling to hold it up at this distance and the further it got the heavier it felt. The griffon, when he had been visible, had looked like he had popped out from the right and Rye turned his shotgun towards the right side of the door, intending to levitate it in and fire once it cleared the door. He hoped for a lucky shot. Reaching the doorway, Rye hurried the gun forward, turned it a bit more to the right, and fired.



SC276: Like a cruise missile, only it takes freakin’ longer.



“AAAAAaaaargh you motherplucker!”



Sigma: ...Okay, are you going to use crappy censor-swears or NOT? Decide!



the griffon cried in a high pitched voice.

Rye smirked as he pulled his shotgun back to him. He could hear the griffon gagging in pain.

“You bastard son of a bastard!” the griffon cursed in a screechy voice.



Scarlet: He’s in so much pain that he’s on repeat! Someone hit him so he’ll stop skipping!

SC276: Do it! Maybe it’ll also fix how his voice keeps changing!



“I think you did it,” Spyglass said as he looked at Rye. “Velvet, you okay?”

“My magic is about gone and I don’t feel well,” she admitted. “Heaving that body took more out of me than I thought it would.



SC276: What body? The master guy I’ve already forgotten the name of? Everyone else did that.



Holding the invisibility spell was taxing. I am having an off day.”



Scarlet: And yet not one ‘bugger’, ‘buck’, ‘fuck’ or even so much as a ‘bloody’ in these sentences despite the fact that she’s known as a foul-mouthed… eh. Fuck consistency.



“Just hold on Velvet. We’re about done here I think. Once this bugger dies, I think Rye and I can finish clearing below decks. I doubt there is anybody else left down here,” Spyglass said reassuringly.

There was a gurgling sound from the captain’s cabin followed by silence.



Sigma: He had finally finished brushing his teeth.



“See anything?” Spyglass asked.

“Just a large puddle of blood in the doorway,” Rye answered. “And it grows ever larger.”



Scarlet: ...Menstruation joke? Nah. Too easy.

Sigma: Only two kinds of people go for menstruation jokes every time there’s blood around - idiots, and PewDiePie.



“I’ll go check,” Spyglass said.



SC276: Yes, the most important person on the ship goes to check danger. That literally removes all the tension from the scene, as if this fic had any tension to begin with.



The pegasus was on his hooves in a second, carefully peered around the corner, and then slowly walked down the hall squeezed against the wall, trying to make himself less a target. He reached the room and carefully peered around the door frame.



Sigma: Then, his head exploded.



“Oh… oh my… oh that looks unpleasant,” Spyglass said. The pegasus, a hardened captain with many years of experience, gagged and turned away from what he saw.

“What happened?” Bloody Velvet asked.



SC276: [Spyglass] “There’s a computer in there with a foalcon fic on the screen!”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “It’s G3, too!”



“The griffon was shot in the groin. There are nails everywhere,” Spyglass replied. “Oh I can’t look at that, that’s ugly,” the pegasus said as he wiped his face with his wing.



Scarlet: Can someone toss me an “Implausible Gunshot Effects” bingo card? Thanks ever so much.

Topher: I’m on it! *whips out piece of paper, starts scribbling* Aaaaand done. A bingo card of all the gun tropes that I’m sure will be used frequently.

SC276: *looks over shoulder* ...You forgot to change the title.

Topher: *Hasty scribbling* No I didn’t, what are you talking about?



Rye felt a little queasy but also immensely proud of himself.



RJ: [Rye] Is this what it feels like to be the seme? … I like it.



“Oh what a mess. I need fresh air. Just when I thought I’d seen it all,” Spyglass muttered. “Velvet, let’s get you secured. I need some air. And a drink. Or three. Rye Mash… I don’t know what to say to you. I feel wrong praising you for what you have done. Ugh.”

“Can I keep his guns?” Rye asked.



Scarlet: Oh my god suddenly he’s an adorable little sociopath in one line.

SC276: Can’t take over the world without an armory, after all.

Sigma: Well, you CAN. It’s just long, tedious, and takes most of your life.



The pegasus raised his head and peered down the hallway at Rye Mash, who was now visible, having stepped out from around the corner. The captain raised his eyebrow. “Most ponies in your situation would be inquiring about a share of the captains coin collection or his finery. You ask for his irons,” Spyglass stated.



RJ: [Rye] No, actually I want his coc- [Spyglass] You are keeping his weapons so I can keep my sanity.



Velvet stood on wobbling legs. “You can never be too good looking, too rich, or too well armed,” she said in a trembling voice.



SC276: [Velvet] “UNLESS YOU ARE EQUIPPED WITH ENOUGH WEAPONS TO OVERCOME INTERNAL BALANCE DEVICES AND TIP OVER.”



“And out of those three, I respect a pony who desires the last.”

“Secure his firearms Mister Mash. If that is all you ask for, then I am happy to oblige you.



SC276: Stealing weapons off a dead body? What is this, Fallout?

Sigma: I’d say Texas, but that works too.



Velvet, allow me to get you above decks. You do not look well my dear,” Spyglass said. “You did well Rye, I am impressed. I have an eye for talent and I knew when I saw you that you had a fierce spark of destiny about you,” Spyglass said to Rye as they stood together in the hall.



Scarlet: “Almost as if you were some sort of ‘protagonist’ in the grand story of life!”



Rye gave a nod and a grin to his captain.

“I am going to get her comfortable.



Scarlet: Which I presume means “have sex with her”.



I will return as soon as I am able. Do not go exploring below the decks just yet. Secure the captain’s quarters. Once I have returned, you and I will finish poking our snoots around down here and we will secure the slave hold. Brace yourself, it is bound to be unpleasant,” Spyglass said.



Topher: [Rye Mash] “Wait, they’re THAT kind of slave? What a gyp, I thought we were getting a sex dungeon!”



Rye nodded. “Yes sir. I will secure the captain’s quarters and stay put sir,” he acknowledged.



SC276: How do they know where the captain’s quarters is? Actually, whatever, I’ve stopped caring by this point.

Sigma: Good, because caring will make you lose sanity.



Author's Note:

I told you this might be bloody…



SC276: We had assumed the blood would be yours.

Sigma: Nah, he already lost all his from the butthurt he has.



Feedback is appreciated on the issue if this actually needs a gore tag. I wanted violence and action, but not too much gore because I know it turns people away from a story.



Scarlet: Head explosions and “he died from shotgun blasts to his dick” apparently not being too much.



Let me know if I missed any typos.

Also, feedback on the action chapter is appreciated!



SC276: I can’t believe I’m even more bored.





Chapter 6



SC276: Oh god, there’s more.



The griffon captain was quite a mess. Rye swallowed hard and tried not to think about what he had done.



SC276: Wait, that was the captain? How can you go on about such menial things and forget such important details?!



He immediately began to justify his actions, reminding himself mentally that the griffon was a slaver.



SC276: Presumably.

Sigma: Plot twist, the PIRATES are slavers and Rye’s too dumb to realise!



The unicorn was a mess of nerves after combat. He jittered and shook as he stood in place, looking down at the corpse.



Scarlet: Sadly, his jitterbug was terrible, and the other ponies refused to dance with him.



He made himself look, as much as he didn’t want to. He had taken several lives today, and it was sinking into his mind that he had crossed a threshold. He had crossed some barrier and now there was no returning to how life was, back when he was innocent of things like killing.



Scarlet: “Can I have his guns and then suddenly feel guilty but then suddenly be right back to exploding people’s heads?”

Sigma: Anything is possible with the power of bullshit!



There were several guns. Two ornate pistols in a matched brace, both were a smaller bore than his current brace of pistols but Rye was confident that they would do well in a fight.



SC276: “I have one fight of experience. I am an expert!”



They had longer barrels. There was a small strange looking pistol with four barrels and four triggers.



Scarlet: ...That sounds like a weapon devised by a five year old. “Well my guy has like a SUPER pistol that shoots FOUR bullets!”

Sigma: Either that or someone watches too much action anime.



The barrels weren’t very long and Rye doubted that it would be very accurate, but in close quarters, it held four shots and Rye guessed that all four triggers could be pulled at once.



SC276: Somehow.



He liked it a great deal. It was practical and it gave him ideas as he studied the strange firearm.



Scarlet: ...define “Practical.”

Topher: Rye went to the Wile E. Coyote school of weapon design.



The last gun he collected was another shotgun. This one had a much shorter barrel than his own, and he remembered Bloody Velvet telling him about scatterguns when she had shown him how to load and fire his shotgun. Even though he was standing in the middle of a grim and bloody mess, Rye smiled when he claimed the scattergun.



Sigma: I’m so timid and scared, I can barely hold in my excitement for murdering people!



The barrel was short and cavernous, a gaping opening that would spit fire and shrapnel at whatever he didn’t like.



Scarlet: And that night, he made love to it.

Sigma: It spit fire and shrapnel into him, and he spit back.



“You should never talk to a lady the way you did,” Rye spat, scolding the dead griffon.



Scarlet: Could someone let the author know this bit stopped being funny before he actually wrote it?

Sigma: Do you WANT a pretentious five paragraph lecture from the about why The Chase series is the most thought provoking thing since taking a shit?



Rye began to search the captain’s cabin carefully, looking around for anything that might be of use. There were lots of griffon stuff scattered about, things that required finger talons to be put to proper use, but Rye had a bit of magic to make up for not having opposable digits. He found a corkscrew and smiled, those were always useful.



Scarlet: ...Ah, yes. What would I do without my corkscrew? I never leave the house without it!

SC276: Gotta serve the queen her wine somehow!



He plundered a cabinet full of firearms supplies. Always very very useful.



Scarlet: How big is your inventory, kid? You just picked up like a fuckton of guns and a corkscrew!

Sigma: He’s like Doom Guy, his armory is pretty much the Gate of Babylon with guns instead of swords.



He found ledgers and set those aside, certain that Captain Spyglass would want those. There was a pouch full of assorted coins made out of precious metals. He tossed those aside into a pile with the ledgers.



Scarlet: He then labeled that pile “filthy lucre” and set it on fire.



He found a small silver flask which was sadly empty.



SC276: As if you were thinking of drinking whatever the hell the enemy was drinking? What is wrong with you, boy?



In a small wooden box he found several bottles of liquor, which made him smile.



Scarlet: “Hurray! I can get drunk AND shoot people now!”

SC276: Did anything so far say anything about him becoming an alcoholic?



The box sat upon a small wooden desk. Rye made himself focus once he began to ransack the desk. Lace Collar’s desk back home had several hidden compartments… hidden places under drawers and false bottoms and all manner of nooks to hide stuff.



Scarlet: “Stuff” here meaning porn, I presume.

Sigma: Don’t be so limited in your thinking! It also probably had sex toys.



Rye began to check under each drawer, pulling them free of their resting places and checking the bottom.



Sigma: Bowchickabowwow.



He checked the back area where the drawers slid into. The bottom drawer did not slide out, something held it in place. Rye smiled. He rapped his hoof on the drawer and heard a hollow sound coming from the bottom. He felt around with his magic and found a small latch, something that would have to be snagged with a claw… or



Sigma: “-if he whipped his penis around just the right way…”



by clever unicorn magic. The false bottom opened and there were a pile of papers and another ledger inside of it.



Scarlet: “Awwww. I was hoping for porn!”



Rye frowned when he saw the royal seal of House Avarice. There were several bills of sale for things like tea and other sundries.



Scarlet: Apparently this was a tea-and-equine-cargo vessel. Those are so rare as to be practically non-existent!



He saw mention of a spice plantation. His frown turned into a scowl. There was a commission to gather “labourers” for the plantation and the promise of payment upon delivery.



SC276: So wait, House Avarice was selling ponies into slavery to the griffons for... tea? What, are they British or something?

Sigma: Yes.



The angry unicorn looked back at the dead griffon and snarled. Rye was tempted to shoot him again just to make himself feel better.



SC276: While making us feel worse.



What little regret he had over killing was fading away rapidly.



Scarlet: “AND he cursed in front of a lady!”



Much to his dismay, he found no coded messages.



Sigma: [Rye] “Wait, what’s this? ‘Brazzer’s?’”



He wasn’t sure why he had been hopeful for finding one, but he was disappointed that he had found none. He gathered up everything important and continued to search the cabin.



* * *





The captain was impressed upon his return and now stood looking over various papers that Rye held for him. Rye had done well in giving the cabin a once over and had even found a secret stash.



Scarlet: “Good job on that corkscrew, Rye. You never know when you might need one of those!”



After a few quick peeks, everything was stuffed into a saddlebag and collected.

The pair exited the room, walked down the hallway, and took the stairs down.



SC276: With all the paperwork they’re trying to keep? Also, has the half-Glasglow been sewn up yet? If you don’t hurry, it’s just gonna scar up like that.



They stood on a landing, cautiously looking around them. There were no signs of other griffons. The stench was strongest here. Rye stood on the landing as the captain went forward to examine a door. It was large and heavy, solidly built, and locked with a padlock.

“Did you find a key?” Spyglass asked.

Rye shook his head and cringed when the captain let go with a frightful string of expletives. Spyglass continued to curse for quite some time.



Scarlet: “I TOLD you to find the goddamn Boss Key! Now we have to backtrack through the entire dungeon!”

Sigma: [Spyglass] “And we’re in the sky temple! That’s like a second water temple! NEVER skip something in a fucking water temple! Did Ocarina of Time teach you nothing?”



“Captain, allow me,” Rye said.

“Unicorn magic?” Spyglass inquired.



RJ: Unicorn magic. The Equestrian way of saying ‘I gotta bullshit this.’



“Maybe a little,” Rye answered. He pulled out his peppershaker, opened it, and measured out a bit of black powder. He poured it into the keyhole of the lock. “I’d stand back sir,” Rye warned, stepping back a good bit himself.

Spyglass moved swiftly and was instantly halfway up the stairs.



SC276: Took me a moment to remember that’s not pepper.



Rye, standing what he hoped was a safe distance away, touched the black powder with his mind,



SC276: Bad touch! BAD TOUCH!



using a spell that he used to light candles. There was an explosive “BANG!” that made his ears ring and then there was piecing pain in one of his ears. He felt something wet and sticky running down the side of his face.



SC276: Has the author ever actually had blood run down the side of his face so he knows it’s “wet and sticky?”

Scarlet: For future reference, it’s more just ‘wet’ until it dries.

Sigma: Yeah, the sticky part doesn’t come till you let it sit for at least 30 seconds.



Spyglass approached, looking concerned. “You have a hole in your ear,” he commented.



SC276: I dub thee Gregory.



Rye gritted his teeth together and did his best to ignore the pain.

“This is why I went halfway up the stairs. Above the angle of travel for any projectiles. I hope you learned something,” Spyglass said patiently.



Scarlet: “I didn’t warn you before you fired because I enjoy seeing you suffer.”



Rye nodded.

“The lock is gone. Good work,” Spyglass stated.



Topher: [Spyglass] “Aaand So is everything else. Nice job, dipshit.”



The pegasus moved towards the door and pushed it open.

What was on the other side changed Rye Mash’s life forever.



SC276: Mallet swinging from the ceiling? Please say it was a mallet swinging from the ceiling.





* * *





The stench was horrific.



SC276: We know about the bloody stench. Move on already.

Sigma: No, this is the stench of Rye’s premature ejaculation.



There were roughly two dozen or so zebras and a few ponies still alive, chained into cubbies.



SC276: [Spyglass] “Oh good, there are slaves here. Killing the entire crew is therefore justified. Just think, it would’ve been really embarrassing if there were just spices or something down here.”



Some of them had died. Urine and feces covered everything.



SC276: Griffons have no freakin’ idea how to transport goods, do they?



The survivors looked at the two ponies in the door hopefully, and there were pleading cries but no words.



Scarlet: Wait, you’re asking me to make this funny?

Topher: There are some things only the most twisted souls can find humor in. I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE!



“We are not here to become your new masters,” Spyglass announced.



SC276: That is such a judgmental thing to say, were I in their hooves, I would think you were lying.



“Please, I know you are suffering, but please be patient. Give us time to work and we will free you.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “From there, though, fuck it, you’re on your own.”



I ask that you try not to cry or scream or plead and beg to be released, as you will all be released in time. We will work down the rows. Once you are freed, you will be taken above decks, carried if need be, you will be bathed, and then we will feed you.



SC276: Griffons have no freakin’ idea how to transport goods, do they? Like, seriously, they have the ability to smell as well; given that smell reached outside the bounds of the ship, how the hell did they operate with that stench all the damn time?! How could that not be considered a threat to the well-being of the crew?! At some point they’d clean it out just so it’d stop sickening them!

RJ: They’re the FedEx of Equestria?



Again, I ask you to be patient. I know all of you have suffered greatly. We cannot free all of you all at once,” he explained.



Scarlet: Like, I’m not sure how to make this funny.

Topher: Kinda reminds me of getting off the school bus every morning.



A few heads nodded, but most just lay still and continued to stare.

Rye felt numbed. Any remaining regret he felt for killing today faded completely.



Sigma: He had achieved… a murder-boner.



He was completely overcome by the situation.



Scarlet: Good, he and I have something in common right now because I am not sure how to make this funny.

SC276: Manure jokes are like never funny.



“Mister Mash, I must ask of you to stay here and keep these poor souls company while I go and fetch some help. Try to remain strong.



SC276: [Spyglass] “I’m not sharing my smell-shielding orange because I am a dick.”



Be an inspiration for them. They need strong shoulders right now,” Spyglass said in a commanding voice that cut through Rye’s mental fog.



Scarlet: “Try playing the theme from ‘Rocky’. That should do it.”



Rye nodded in reply.

“Water,” one of the zebras croaked.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Don’t look into their eyes.”



“Will be coming soon enough,” Spyglass promised as he backed out of the door and retreated up the stairs to get assistance.



SC276: Seriously, the captain has terrible bedside manner. He pretty much just acts haughty and in charge all the time. I formulate fictions in my head when the machinations of characters like him are crushed to smithereens before their eyes, and yet the fact I haven’t for this guy yet expresses exactly how little this fic has affected me.



Rye stared at the zebras and the ponies all around him, and realised he was being stared at in return.



SC276: More specifically, at his ever-hardening erection.



They watched him, waiting, looking at him hopefully. Rye realised he was covered in blood and there was a fresh hole in his ear. He was bristling with guns. He wondered what he must look like to them.



SC276: Something along the lines of “There’s a pony under all that metal, right?”



He smiled, thinking that a friendly smiling face might be just what they needed right now,



Sigma: “-and he smiled the smile of a sadistic murderer.”



and a young filly smiled back at him. Rye felt a little bit better after seeing the filly smile.



Scarlet: “Please don’t shoot me, mister!”

RJ: [Rye] Awww, you’re so cute... You’ll be my first minion! I’ll call you Meat Shield.



“We want to go home,” a zebra cried out in a raspy dry voice.

Rye said nothing and made no promises. He stood there, his smile now a strained one. He couldn’t understand how any this could be done to a sapient being.



SC276: Especially if eating them was a possibility.



A painful memory bubbled in his brain, a memory of the sweeps and being taken from home with all of the others.



Sigma: A memory of when master didn’t allow him to be whipped.



At least they had not been packed into a ship like this.

“I will let you have your way with me if you will just let me out, I promise I won’t fight back, I remember my lessons… I would never fight back,” a zebra filly offered in a raspy scratchy voice.



SC276: OK, one, fillies are equivalent to female children, which means that… this guy saw the direction Sigma and Steel took this fic coming; and two, are young female zebras called “fillies” the way ponies are?



“Sorry ma’am, I uh, I know that this is hard, but please wait. You will be let out. And you don’t need to offer your body in return,” Rye replied.

“But I am a good slave, I know what is wanted from me,” she answered.



Scarlet: You know, it’s kind of a pity this disturbing scene is placed right after the hilarity of somebody dying to a dick-shot. Kinda ruins the solemnity.



Rye’s smile faded and the unicorn slumped. “Nopony is going to hurt you or do anything with you. I promise,” Rye said.



Sigma: [Rye] “However, I am not a pony. Now bend over.”



He realised after he spoke that he was placing a lot of faith in Spyglass’ crew. He hoped that he would not be made a liar.



SC276: Well Velvet hasn’t killed them all yet, so that’s a good sign.



“None of you are slaves any longer, my name is Rye Mash, and I give you my word and I swear on my good name



SC276: Stop repeating yourself!

Sigma: WHAT good name?



that you are free,” he said in a loud clear voice.

Spyglass returned and stepped through the door. With him were quite a few pegasi.

“Rye, I will need your help releasing these poor souls. Afterwards, I want you to try and stitch some of my crew back together if you can.



SC276: “And make sure to wash your hooves first, I just realized what you’ve been walking in for the last four minutes.”



You’ve done well today, but the day is far from over,” Spyglass instructed.

Rye nodded in acknowledgement and turned to begin his task.



* * *





Rye slumped in exhaustion. He had been going non stop for hours. Releasing the slaves. Stitching up crew members. The learning curve was much higher than he expected,



Scarlet: “Wait, you mean I’m not supposed to use fabric to patch the wound?”

Topher: “Honey, not with THAT color.”

RJ: “And could we not stitch ‘Rye Mash owns this flank’ on the next?”



but his work had improved considerably after the first few attempts. His ear stung and he could feel the light breeze blowing through the hole.



RJ: With the right angle and wiggle, he could whistle Dixie.



The slave ship was being towed, connected to the other vessel by strong chains.



SC276: [Spyglass] “We’re probably not going to use the anchor for anything else anyway.”



The slaves were on deck, many of them looking dazed.



SC276: “What is that big bright thing in the sky?” “That’s the sun.” “Oh, that’s still there?”



Most of them were silent. A few talked in low voices to one another.



Sigma: And a small group of them were loud, obnoxious twats, circlejerking about.



Beside him, Skeeter lay on the wooden deck. Rye felt that he had done a good job in stitching Skeeter’s face back together.



RJ: The butterflies really work with the flowers.



Rye had shared in his friend’s agony, he had seen the look of fear and panic in the pegasus’ eyes as he worked.



Scarlet: “Rye please just PUT DOWN THE CORKSCREW!”



Rye’s coat was still damp. Pegasi had collected clouds and had used them as a shower. It had taken quite a bit of effort to get all of the blood out of Rye’s pelt. And it had taken even more effort to scrub the filth from the slaves.



SC276: What disturbs me the most is that the zebra girl was prepared to be a sexual object while covered in fecal matter. If griffons are all into scat, I’m going to blow something up.



Many had helped, scrubbing with a hoof and trying to work the encrusted filth free. The deck had been sluiced afterwards.



SC276: “Sluiced?” Hold on… “verb: wash or rinse freely with a stream or shower of water.” ...You literally couldn’t just say the deck was washed? Are you trying to out-vocabulary me or something?

Sigma: Either that or this guy’s like the Eragon author and just likes using a thesaurus.

SC276: And what did they wash it with anyway, a fire hose connected to their steam engine?



Rye heard the flutter of wings and the thump of hooves beside him. He was too tired to turn his head, but he knew that it was the captain.



SC276: Could’ve been pretty much any member of the crew besides him and Velvet, but only the captain lands with such… captain-ness.



He prepared himself to rise.



Sigma: Mmhmm.



“Stay put,” Spyglass said as he approached. “You look bloody awful,” the captain muttered.



SC276: We feel bloody awful after having to read this.



“There has been a change in plans. We are still going to Trottingham, but we are going to take a bit of a detour to the Sea of Grass and take these zebra folk back home.



SC276: Yes, going to a completely different country is a “detour.”



The ponies captured were travelers from a few different countries. We’re still trying to figure out what to do for them,” Spyglass explained.



Scarlet: “And no, shooting them is not an acceptable answer.”

Topher: [Rye] “Can we at least fuck them?”



“I’d like to see the Sea of Grass,” Rye said weakly.



SC276: [Oracle] “I’m interested in grass!” [Spyglass] “SHUT UP, ORACLE!”



“You did very well today, I am impressed. You went well above and beyond the call of duty.



SC276: You magicked a gun down a hallway with a mirror and got lucky as fuck.



I need more unicorns,” Spyglass stated. “Magic is useful.



SC276: Took ya this long to figure it out? And after having a twitchy unicorn for a first mate? Who makes the whole ship invisible often enough it’s part of your attack plan?!



Most unicorns would never choose this life though,” he commented.



Scarlet: Ah, you know how it is though. The thug life chooses them.



“I’m glad I did,” Rye said in reply. His voice sounded weary.



Topher: Are we just going to ignore the fact that you didn’t choose it, it was thrust upon you at knifepoint?

Sigma: Yes.



“Skeeter, you also did well today. You lived.



Topher: [Spyglass] “Most newbies don’t make it past orientation. The last colt actually drowned in a mop bucket while he was swabbing the deck!”



And that’s saying something. From now on, in future engagements, now that you have proven yourself, you are to be Mister Mash’s bodyguard.



SC276: Um, didn’t Rye need to save him?

RJ: Bodyguard, body shield. Same difference.



You will be responsible for his transport, getting him from one ship to another when we board. You are to remain at his side. You keep him alive, and he will keep you alive. Do you understand your new duties?” Spyglass said to the pegasus colt.



Scarlet: “I know it’s not the promotion you were hoping for, but seriously, he’s the protagonist. There’s no arguing with the author.”

SC276: And no arguing with some authors.



Skeeter nodded but said nothing.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “And if he stakes you in the heart, I don’t want you to come complaining to me.”



He raised one wing weakly in salute.

“Also, you will be joining Mister Mash when he eats. Consider yourself privileged.



RJ: To the point where the SJWs harass you day and night.



I want you two to trust one another. When you go on shore leave, I want you two to stick together.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Considering how much semen he produces on a daily basis this should not be a difficult task."



Have I made intentions clear?” the captain asked.

Skeeter nodded again



SC276: [Skeeter] “I understand I’ve been shafted to being subservient to the cabin colt…”



and Rye also gave a nod.

“Good, because I will not always be able to foalsit my cabin colt and I need to know that he is looked after,” Spyglass said as he sat down.



SC276: Also someone that can quickly knock him out if his erection goes crazy.



He turned his gaze towards the freed slaves. “Look at them. Poor wretches. They’re free. Do you hear them celebrating? Do you hear them laughing? They’re broken.



SC276: [Spyglass] “Someone hit them so they stop repeating themselves!”



And they’re going to be that way for a long time,” the pegasus mused.

“Does Skeeter get a pay raise for looking after me?” Rye asked.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “No, I will not kill him by giving him pay in silver.” [Rye] “How did you-” [Spyglass] “You’re way too obvious.”



Spyglass whipped his head around and glared at the unicorn, raising his eyebrow. His wings flared outwards a bit. His nostrils flared and his ears perked forwards.



Scarlet: “Oh fuck me, Rye. Can you let this story have one genuinely sad moment without ruining it? Just once?”

SC276: You’d think someone raised in a prim-and-proper household would learn about speaking sensibly.



“It is a concern,” Rye explained. “I was in a gun battle today. I went into some very dangerous situations. Skeeter doesn’t have a means to handle firearms. All he has are his hooves. If he is intended to take a bullet for me, I think it is fair to pay him a bit more for due to that expectation.”

Spyglass’ expression softened. “I will see that he gets a few extra coins for his service,” Spyglass muttered.



Topher: Plot twist, chocolate coins.

Sigma: Maybe blue coins? I hated those bastards.



“And you are well on your way of becoming quite the mercenary Rye Mash,” he added.



SC276: [Spyglass] “Not to mention a rude one for interrupting my navel-gazing.”



His face broke into a grin. “And I suspect that Skeeter will be all the more loyal to you after what you said.”



SC276: [Skeeter] “I’m right here, you know.”



“Is Velvet okay?” Rye asked, changing the subject.

“She will be. She had an off day. Some days, she can cast spells almost endlessly and remain strong all day long. Other days, well, other days are more like today,” Spyglass replied.



SC276: They usually occur when she’s in the presence of someone more narratively important than her.



“Which is why I needed you. Magic makes things so much easier.”



Sigma: For example, with magic you can just BS your way out of magic sense.



Author's Note:

Let me know if I missed any typos.

I hope you like the new chapter.



SC276: Let’s see, griffons with no sense of self-preservation and a child expecting to be fucked. What do you bloody think my opinion is?!



Soonish,



SC276: Quicker than that if you use the other story’s update schedule, apparently.



the Sea of Grass.





Chapter 7



SC276: Insert joke about the fic still going here.



As they made their way towards the Sea of Grass, several more zebras and a pony died. It bothered Rye Mash a great deal. They had been rescued. They had been fed. They had been looked after. And they had still died.



Topher: Rye even stuck their heads back on, and they still died!

SC276: [Telescope] “Wait, does ‘look after’ also include ‘give first aid?’”



The past few days were stressful on the young unicorn.

He was rapidly coming to terms with being a killer. His feelings fluctuated, at times feeling a twinge of pain over what he had done, and at other times, he seethed with silent rage as he watched the slaves continue to suffer, even after their captors were gone.

Male griffons had barbed penises,



Topher: Griffon dildos were quite popular as black market weapons.

Scarlet: Actually, that’s a cat thing. And a weird detail to include.

SC276: Yes this is a detail we totally needed to know, thank you.

Sigma: Ten outta ten, this’ll help me write my next lion bird hybrid abomination porn.



as was common to most feline species, and they left behind terrible wounds upon their rape victims. Many of the slaves, both male and female, suffered from these horrific wounds. It was an all to easy way to break their spirits.



Topher: And a few other things too, depending on their age! ...holy shit, that was dark!

Scarlet: ….if penis barbs are supposed to cause injury, what the hell is griffin sex like?

Topher: A BDSM wet dream, that’s what.

SC276: Presumably, griffon vaginas are equipped to handle that. ...Also, presumably said marks would be on the inside, so… how did they even check that?

Sigma: Simple. Griffon vaginas are actually locks, the penises are keys, and other species don’t fit.



The griffon ship was being towed behind them, and the crew had gone over it from top to bottom several times. Several hidden compartments had been found. A cache of gold and silver bars had been discovered in a hidden cubby.



Scarlet: “Mark it ‘hamdingers’. Nobody ever uses those!”



The ship had also become a morgue, with several zebra bodies stored on board. The survivors wanted their fallen kin brought home.

The unicorn felt a great deal of excitement knowing that he would soon see the Sea of Grass.



Scarlet: Your last sentence about the exhilaration of travel doesn’t quite gel with the previous ones about your ship carrying corpses, Mr. Haiku.



* * *





“Well be in the city of Tradewinds soon.”



SC276: We assume that’s in the Sea of Grass, and we know it’s not in Equestria because it’s not a horse pun.



Rye Mash turned to look at Bloody Velvet. She didn’t look well.



Sigma: Her eyes had the Blue Screen of Death.



One leg trembled non stop, forcing her to stand on three legs because she could not place any weight on the trembling leg.



Scarlet: I just have this image of her flailing around like a Garry’s Mod ragdoll.

SC276: Her AI probably needs a reboot.



“Tradewinds is a nice little port city. Full of zebras and ponies. Quite a few unicorns there and there is a school for magic. Ships stop there to take on fresh water and supplies, and one of the major roads across the Sea of Grass begins in Tradewinds.



SC276: So, the city you start The Oregon Trail in?



Hopefully, the zebras we drop off there will make it home. We’ve also decided to drop off the imprisoned crew there. We’ll no longer be taking them with us when we go to Trottingham,” Velvet said, the corner of her mouth jerking as she spoke.



Scarlet: Oh no! The exposition is actually causing her to overheat! Everyone hit the floor!

Sigma: [Velvet] “THIS IS WHY I RECOMMENDED A LIQUID COOLING SYSTEM.”



“Sounds like a nice place,” Rye commented.

“I’ll be getting you a spellbook,” Velvet announced. “Free of charge. Consider it a gift, for defending my honour and preserving my dignity as a lady,” she explained.



Scarlet: …..didn’t we establish that Bloody Velvet is a foul-mouthed privateer who gives not one solitary fuck about what people say in her presence?

Sigma: Yes, but you’re trying to find consistency in a bad fanfiction.

SC276: At least this one can keep track of where their characters are. ...Granted, there’s only been like two possible locations so far...



Rye blushed. “I was just doing the right thing,” he muttered.

“Which is why I am doing this to say thank you. I have lived among scoundrels for too long, it was nice to see some gentility again,” Velvet stated in a soft voice. “So, dealing with the boredom?”



Scarlet: “I mean shooting people in the face is one thing, but they were swearing right in front of me! Nobody in our crew ever does that!”



“I suppose,” Rye replied. “One day I was fighting for my life, and then things far less exciting happened.”



Scarlet: I’m sorry, this sentence has experienced a fatal logic error.



Velvet laughed.

“One of the freed slaves asked for me to marry her…” Rye admitted in a low voice. “I felt bad for her. She’s worried that she will be taken as a slave again. Little earth pony lass. Not much she can do to defend herself I suppose. She cried her eyes out when I told her no.”



Scarlet: “Might’ve been because I banged her first.”



“It happens all of the time,” Velvet said. “They get taken as slaves, they get beaten a few times or worse,



Scarlet: You found them in a hold covered in their own shit. Sorry, this is a bit glib there. “Oh, it’s just a few beatings or a mite worse than that!”

SC276: Not to mention more than a few were raped by pretty much spike balls.



and then they want to marry the first decent stallion they meet after rescue. The crewmembers get proposals all of the time. Some of them even accept and settle down with a nice mare that spends the rest of her life showing them her gratitude.



Sigma: So they EXPLOIT them. Good to know.



I suppose it is a happy ending. Of sorts anyway. Marriage is an awful institution.”



Topher: They get married by the end. Calling it now.

Sigma: No, Kudzu actually already spoiled who Rye marries in the fucking comments of this fic, even though a good portion of the fic is the mystery of “Who will Rye marry?” It’s some OC from later, I think.



Rye pondered Velvet’s words and could not come up with any sort of reply.



SC276: Much like how we are having trouble coming up with any sort of reply to this fic. At least, that’s not The Fumble.



He fell silent and stared out over the rail. The whole conversation made him feel uncomfortable, but he could not say why.



Scarlet: “I feel my OTP being threatened!”



“So how did you know what I was thinking?” Rye asked, finally getting up the courage to do so and hoping to change the subject.



Sigma: [Velvet] “YOU ARE SIMPLEMINDED AND EASY TO PREDICT. ANY DECENT PROCESSING UNIT WOULD BE ABLE TO COMPUTE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE’S THOUGHT PROCESS IN ABOUT 10 HOURS AT MOST.”



Velvet sighed. “Come on, don’t make me explain it,’ she groaned in annoyance.

“I am actually ignorant about the subject, I’d like to know,” Rye replied.



Scarlet: “And that is why I don’t want to tell you!”



Velvet gave Rye a sour look. “You might have noticed my mark… A big black starburst surrounded by a few smaller silver stars. I have no idea what it means, but it showed up after I learned that I could occasionally peek into other ponies minds. I can also traverse the astral plane. This is how I accidentally discovered Celestia’s personal pocket plane,” Velvet explained.



SC276: That would’ve been nice to know before now!



“More of curse than anything. Sometimes I see the worst things. Like the thoughts of certain stallions and the things they want to do to me.”

Rye bit his lip.



Scarlet: I’m sorry, you’re literally capable of hacking into the minds of other ponies unbidden but you get weak at the knees when you have to levitate guns and make a ship invisible for a long period and who the hell costed these spells?

SC276: Especially since it could have just been telepathy.



“Look, I know that you find me attractive. I know that you find me very very attractive.



Scarlet: “So attractive I said it twice.”



But I also know that you do everything you can to think of me in a respectful manner,” Velvet said, now staring out into the distance herself, unable to look at Rye directly.



Scarlet: “Even the weird kink play with the mast and the troupe of jugglers.”



“Very difficult to be friends with anypony that tries to say one thing but thinks another. I don’t want to tell you more about me and how I work because it will only complicate things between us and we need to have a professional working relationship.”



Scarlet: “...soooo that’s a ‘yes’ to sex later?” “RYE!”



Rye heard hoofsteps behind him, turned, and saw Skeeter. His face was still swollen and the area around the stitches looked puffy and tight. His mouth was far too swollen to try and talk.

“Skeeter, you feeling alright?” Rye asked.

The pegasus nodded slowly.



Sigma: [Rye] “Dammit- I mean, good!”



“Able to eat? Get some soup down?” Rye inquired.

Skeeter shrugged.

“You need to eat if you want to heal,” Rye said in a worried voice.



Topher: “I mean come on! this is basic video game logic here!”



“Really good of you to stitch him up like that,” Velvet remarked. “Going to leave one remarkable scar, but will still be better than leaving the wound as it was,” she added.



Sigma: [Rye] “Not really. I doused the stitching in holy water.”



“Have you tried turning your head off to one side to keep your soup away from your stitched cheek?” Rye asked.

Skeeter’s eyes widened and he shook his head no.



Topher: [Skeeter] “I was just pouring it into the hole in the side of my face!”



“Skeeter, I worry about you sometimes,” Rye muttered.



SC276: I worry about this fic.



“Pegasi. Part bird, part pony, head full of clouds,” Velvet quipped.



Sigma: Dat’s racist.



Skeeter looked at the unicorn and blinked.

Velvet’s eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together in a tight line. She said nothing, but Rye assumed that she was aware of something Skeeter was thinking.



Topher: [Skeeter, thinking]



“Look, I don’t want my two friends fighting,”



Topher: “At least, not without popcorn.”



Rye insisted as he stepped in between the two of them. He gave Velvet a pleading look. “And you shouldn’t make fun of pegasi or earth ponies… you wouldn’t want them making fun of you as a unicorn, seeing as how you have the shivers and all.”



Scarlet: “The only people we should make fun of are dirty, child-eating griffins! Am I right or what?”



Velvet relaxed her stance and Rye took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out in a gasp.



SC276: Riveting.

Sigma: Seeing as this is Mr. Self-Insert-Made-Rape-Bombs Haiku, I’m surprised she didn’t let out a fart instead.



“I remember my mama,” Rye said in a low voice. “But only just barely. She was a pegasus. I remember her covering me with her wing and I felt so safe. I remember when I was taken… she put up a fight. She didn’t want her foal taken. They… she…” the colt fell silent.



Scarlet: Oh god Velvet, now look at what you’ve done. You triggered his tragic backstory!



“I’m sorry,” Velvet said. “The sweeps are ugly business. And I suppose I shouldn’t make fun of pegasi.”



SC276: You’ve been living with them for who knows how the fuck long. You’d think you’d be better with that already.

Sigma: But SC, then Kudzu couldn’t push his weird universe’s politics onto us!

SC276: I’ll believe that when he can push a plot.



Skeeter nodded, touched his friend with a wing, and Rye found himself feeling a bit better.



Scarlet: Hurray, pony racism is over and will never happen again! Except to dirty, wife-stealing, child rapist griffins!



“Would you like to go home Rye? Occasionally, we stop by the Shetlands,” Velvet offered.

“I don’t know. Part of me does. I’d love to go home. The other part of me never wants to plant my hooves there ever again,” Rye confessed.



Scarlet: “I mean last time they didn’t actually grow into hoof-trees and it made me sad.”



“If you don’t know what to do, make this ship your home. I have, and I think I am better for it,” Velvet suggested.



SC276: Except I’m still not sure if you could explode from magic overload at anytime or not. I have seriously lost track.





* * *





Tradewinds rose up in the distance as they drifted downwards. They had made good time, a strong tailwind behind them, and the crew was excited. It looked as though much of Tradewinds was made of shaped stone, which was the favoured method of unicorn construction.



Topher: Carved stone, a unique building material that is only attributed to one culture.

Scarlet: Earth ponies presumably invented the barn and were done with architecture.



There were several towers that loomed over the city.



SC276: What is this, Sharn?



There was a harbour for ships



SC276: British!



and Rye could see several airships moored to a squat tower.

There was a lighthouse that stood at the entrance to the harbour, but it wasn’t any old lighthouse. It was



Topher: The beacon to enter Colombia!

Scarlet: There’s a sick Ampharos at the top!



giant stone unicorn and a faint light could be seen shining from its horn. At night, it was probably an impressive sight.



Scarlet: Nope, wait, someone already got the Secretpotion. Still good!

SC276: How do they even maintain that light?



This was a city of equines, and it had endured for countless centuries, even with griffon and the occasional minotaur aggression. Velvet called it “the gateway to Equestria” because a lot of refugees from the Sea of Grass secured passage here and traveled to the new land.



SC276: And not the place actually in Equestria where most of them land.



Trade ships also headed north, to griffon territories, south to the minotaurs,



Topher: Minotaur-land: Primary exports include motivational speakers, testosterone, and kumquats.



and further east into the Sea of Grass, past the sea of grass was the Forevergreen Jungles.



SC276: Like the Everfree Forest, but even longer.

Sigma: And jungley.



As Rye watched the city loom closer, he was jostled by another pony. He turned to say something, to offer a polite exchange, and saw the largest pony he had ever seen, other than Princess Celestia.



Scarlet: “YEAH!”



“Sorry bout that, I didn’t see you down there,” the giant said sheepishly.

“It is okay… you are a big pony,” Rye commented, looking upwards.



Topher: For you.

SC276: [Rye] “That I somehow managed to miss entirely for like the two weeks I’ve been on board.”



The stallion was large, had a red coloured pelt, and was made from muscle. His mark was a basket of apples and his mane was the colour of autumn wheat. His hooves had to be as large as Rye’s head.

“My name is Crab. Crab Apple,” the stallion offered.



Topher: [Rye Mash] But your name tag says Big Macin- [Big Macintosh Crab Apple] I’M CRAB APPLE!

Sigma: No- Look, he said it wrong! He’s supposed to say “Apple. Crab Apple.” Not the weird way!



“Pleased to meet you, I am Rye Mash,” Rye replied politely. Manners were important in a world full of large things that could crush you.



SC276: OK, point, I can’t actually argue with that.

RJ: I tried that with a train. Didn’t work.



“I don’t think I’ve seen you before on deck.”

Crab grinned sheepishly. “I stay below decks to avoid trouble. I’m signed on as crew, but I don’t fight. Fighting is wrong.



SC276: And yet he’s on a ship with a captain that he knows attacks and kills any slave ship he finds?

Sigma: Fighting is wrong? But fighting is magic!



I’m a porter. When we dock, I’ll be loaded down with cargo and I will move some stuff off of the ship and then move stuff onto the ship, and then I’ll stay aboard the ship because I don’t want to waste my money,” Crab explained.



Scarlet: You signed up as a porter on a privateer’s vessel. And you’re a pacifist. You know, there are cargo ships in the world. Plenty of cargo ships.



“Saving up for something?” Rye inquired.

“Back home in Equestria, my family just settled in a new town called Ponyville. I took on a job to get us some money. We’re poor, but we’re honest.



Topher: Yeah, the “poor-but-honest” bit. How long until he stabs someone in the back?

Scarlet: Offer him an orchard and we’ll see!

SC276: ...Didn’t the Apples found Ponyville? By selling Zap Apple Jam? If it just happened, shouldn’t they be set up for awhile?

Sigma: Shhh, you’re using canon on him. He hates that.



And I wanted to make sure that we would never have to worry about money again so we could focus on farming,” Crab answered.



Scarlet: ...You do know that historically a lot of people with farms were poor, right? The concept of large plantations and such were kept afloat primarily by slave labor, which- fuck it, author, you aren’t listening.



“Farming is a good honest life,” Rye said appreciatively. “We all need to eat,” he added as he looked upwards. Crab was smiling down at him and Rye hoped that he had made a new friend.



Scarlet: I AM THOU, AND THOU ART I. THOU HAST FORGED A BOND WHICH SHALL NEVER BE BROKEN.

Sigma: “I ask of you; are you my master?”



“Ah, Mister Mash, I see you have met our gentle giant Crab. I should have known that you two would get along with one another,” Spyglass said as he approached the pair.



SC276: [Spyglass] “I didn’t introduce you two earlier because I am a dick.”



“Sir,” Crab said to his captain with a bow of his head.

“We’ll be docking soonish.



SC276: pffft XD The idea of the word “soonish” said in a formal accent…!



A few words of warning if I may. Don’t pick fights, not that you would.



Scarlet: “And if you do, please for the love of god do not aim for the groin again!”



The school here sends out its students to police the town. Ponies and other beings trade here because it is safe to do so. If you disrupt the peace, bad things will happen.



Scarlet: “You don’t want to see what those kindergarteners can do when they’re angry.”

SC276: If they’re anything like the kindergarteners in Recess, there will be hell to pay.



That said, keep your firearms and your wits about you. There are others foolish enough and desperate enough to try things like robbery, and you will need to deal with them until the local constables arrive. Oh, and you will want this,” Spyglass said as he tossed a small sack at Rye with his wing.



Topher: It used to belong to that Griffon captain until you shot it off.



Rye caught the sack with his magic and hefted it. It clanked and felt heavy. He secured it in a pouch that hung from his harness.



Scarlet: “I packed you a few extra corkscrews. Just in case.”



“A bit of a bonus in there for good work and stepping in as the ship’s medic. All pay is based on merit. If you want more, do more. Unlike other captains, I actually pay my crew when they do things outside of their normal scope of duties.



SC276: Paid overtime is like your one positive aspect.

Sigma: That shouldn’t even be a positive, that should be a standard.



Isn’t that right Mister Apple?” Spyglass stated.



Scarlet: “Eeyup. Sir, if you’d stop holding that pistol at my face, it’d be easier to answer-”



“Yes sir,” Crab replied. “I get paid very well for being one of the guards who keeps an eye on the ship when we are in port,” the stallion said with a smile.



Scarlet: “I mean fighting is wrong of course, so I mostly just talk about apples until people get scared and walk away.”



“Be careful Rye. Keep Skeeter close. Speaking of which, where is he?” Spyglass asked as he looked around.



Sigma: [Rye] “Probably in his coffin, sleeping.”



“I don’t think he’s well sir. He was hot and his face is swollen. Last I saw him, he was in his hammock. He just wanted to sleep sir,” Rye answered.



Scarlet: “I can’t imagine why. The color swatch we fixed his face with was fantastic!”



Spyglass looked concerned. “Mister Mash, Crab, I must ask that both of you come with me. I might need you,” Spyglass ordered.



SC276: Just like that might have been a slave ship back there.



The captain turned and went off towards the door that led below decks, and both Crab and Rye followed after him.



* * *





The sleeping quarter that Rye moved through held sixteen ponies, eight on each side of a divider, and Skeeter’s bunk was in the rear corner. Spyglass moved to the pegasus’ hammock and prodded the sleeper gently.



Scarlet: “Captain, maybe you shouldn’t be poking the injured patient with a stick-” “Shut up, Rye!”



“Skeeter?” Spyglass asked.

The pegasus opened his eyes. They were glassy.



Scarlet: Shit, the creepypasta riff is following me! I knew that story was cursed!



Spyglass peered at the younger pegasus. “You don’t look well. Forgive me,” Spyglass asked.



SC276: Wasn’t he doing fine like, five minutes ago? Was it last chapter? Either way, it seems he 180’d.



With a quick sudden movement, he placed a hoof against Skeeter’s sundered cheek and applied pressure, which made Skeeter scream bloody murder.



Scarlet: “Good, he’s awake. How did that make you feel?”



As the captain pulled his hoof away, a dribble of pus oozed from the wound. It had a greenish yellow tint.



Topher: [Spyglass] “Rye, were you having sex with his wounds again?”



“Oh bugger,” the captain hissed.



Sigma: [Rye] “Yes, I did indeed bugger it, Captain Spyglass, sir.”



He leaned in and sniffed. His face contorted in disgust and he touched the whimpering pegasus with one wing gently.



Scarlet: “Eeeeeeww, nasty. Right, you two help me throw him overboard. It’d be a mercy.”



“New plan. Once we dock,



Sigma: [Spyglass] “-dump him into the seas or off a high cliff. I don’t want our crew getting his AIDs cheeks or whatever.”



Crab, I am going to need you to carry our friend here to a healer. I know of one. Not too far from the docks. You can return to the ship and perform your duties as a porter afterwards. Rye, you are to stay with Skeeter. I will go with you and pay for the healer, but I cannot stay. There are matters here that I must attend. A captain is only as good as his crew, and one of mine is sick.



Scarlet: “The four or so new bruises from where I tried to prod him awake probably aren’t helping.”



“I didn’t know it was this bad sir,” Rye said guiltily. “I helped him eat just this morning. He didn’t have much of an appetite. He just wanted to lay down and get some sleep. I thought the rest would do him good.”



Scarlet: “Plus, the polka-dot fabric swatch I was planning to stitch over that wound later would’ve been so festive!”



“Rye, you didn’t know… calm yourself. I do not blame you. Rot happens,” Spyglass said in a low voice full of concern.



SC276: Indeed. In fact, it’s all over the fic. *straps on flamethrower* Kill it with fire!



“Come on, let’s get him secured over Crab’s back.”



Scarlet: “Velvet tells me you have a vivid imagination involving her and knots, so you shouldn’t have much trouble tying him up there.”



Rye looked at the hammocks all around him and then looked up at Crab, who had to duck his head in the tight quarters. “Forgive me for asking, but how do you sleep in a hammock?” Rye inquired as he moved to help Spyglass move Skeeter.

“I don’t,” Crab replied. “I sleep on a cargo net.”



Topher: *canned laughter*

SC276: Yes, joke as your friend dies.



Author's Note:

Next chapter, the city of Tradewinds, which is going to become a major location in this story.



SC276: Really now? The city with lavish description which we spent a whole chapter building up to? I couldn’t possibly tell!



Let me know if I missed any mistakes.



Scarlet: *deep breath*

Sigma: Uh, yes, did you mean to hit publish on this story? I believe you made a mistake there.





Chapter 8



Scarlet: You know what, never mind. New chapter’s already here.

SC276: At least the last one was… mercifully short, kinda?



The city of Tradewinds was somehow even more impressive than Canterlot.



SC276: Because the OCs are always better than the canons at everything.

Sigma: Oh, you have no idea.



The towers of Canterlot were tall and straight. Tradewinds was bulbous. Round protrusions extended from the stone towers,



Topher: They have a cream for that.



individual little homes that all shared a tower to conserve space, Spyglass had explained as they walked. There were open air markets and all manner of beings could be seen.



Scarlet: Elementals! Halflings! That one guy in a fursuit who attends every con but nobody actually knows the name of!

Sigma: And that one guy who dresses as a giant penis for Halloween!



Ponies of all tribes, griffons, minotaurs, zebras, Rye saw a strange snake like creature with an odd head that Spyglass called a “naga” and so many others.



Topher: No, he definitely didn’t call that creature “My Naga” ...Get your ears checked, Rye.

Scarlet: We gotta catch ‘em all! *puts on baseball cap*



There was entirely too much to take in and Rye felt overwhelmed.



Scarlet: “718 is too many even with the GTS!”



Crab didn’t seem to be doing much better.

“I don’t like big cities… they spook me,”



Topher: Spooky scary skyscrapers send shivers down your spine!



Crab admitted as he skittishly drew closer to Rye.



Scarlet: He guards the ship. Remember that.

SC276: The guards must be crazy. That, or stupid.



“Just stay close Crab, I’ll keep you safe,” Rye said reassuringly. He noticed that Spyglass was looking at him as he spoke but he said nothing else.



Topher: Acknowledging and observing the person who is speaking? How odd!



The group moved quickly through the streets, the crowds parting to make way for the massive earth pony. Crab had no idea that most of the residents were afraid of him, he was far too afraid of them to notice. More than anything, Crab wanted to bolt back to the ship where it was quiet and he could hear his own thoughts.



Scarlet: We get it. You can stop now, author. The skittishness is well established.

SC276: We already knew that. Move on already.



“We’re almost there,” Spyglass said as he turned a corner and let the group down a dead end street. At the end of the street was a large squarish stone building that reeked strange smells.



Topher: [Rye] “Damn it! We accidentally wound up at the brothel instead! Well, as long as we’re here…”

SC276: [Spyglass] “Where did this other griffon ship come from?!”



Spyglass pushed the door open and beckoned the others inside.



Scarlet: “Hurray!”



* * *





“We can fix this,” a zebra said in a soft voice with a funny accent.



Sigma: “We can rebuild him. We have the technology.”



“Who did the stitching? This is rather good work,” an earth pony commented.



Scarlet: “And the fabric is quite tasteful! How did you know polka-dots were in vogue this year?”



“Don’t be afraid, we will dull your pain,” a unicorn said soothingly to Skeeter, who was laying on a wooden table.



Topher: The Zebra then pulled a pistol out from under the table, and put Skeeter out of his misery.

Scarlet: In this universe, pistols kill you by exploding your head. Possibly not ‘dulled’ pain there.

SC276: Why is the not-zebra the one talking in rhyme? ...OK, we literally have only one instance of a zebra in canon to work with, hoping season 5 changes that, but let’s face it, that’s the most recurring thing.

Sigma: I’ll be honest, I’m kinda glad he didn’t do that.



“Rye here did the stitching,” Spyglass bragged in a prideful voice.

“How long have you been doing this?” the earth pony inquired.

“I, uh, well ma’am, I sort of learned to do it as I went that day,” Rye replied.



Scarlet: “That seems wildly implausible. Are you the protagonist or something?”



The earth pony pursed her lips together and looked at the unicorn and then the zebra. The zebra gave a faint nod and the unicorn looked at Rye.



Scarlet: “Yep. Definitely a protagonist.”

Sigma: “God dammit, I hate catering to these assholes.”



“Would you like a job here? With us? We could make it worth your while… we will pay you… and we have other ways to compensate a handsome colt like you,” the earth pony purred as she advanced on Rye.



Topher: [Earth Pony] “You have just GOT to try my hot apple pie! Which is not only moist, but also juicy!”

SC276: As long as it’s an actual apple pie and not a euphemism for something, I’m in.



Rye backed away from the forward earth pony until his backside hit the wall, the earth pony matching his every step and staying in his face. She brazenly kissed the unicorn colt on the cheek and Rye began to stammer wordlessly.



Scarlet: Agh, Jesus! The tonal whiplash of this after the sequence in the hold just hit me full in the face! Ow, ow, ow…

SC276: Why the hell is everyone suddenly hitting on him?

Sigma: Because the main character has to be hot as fuck, or else how can he have a harem?



“Rye, I do believe the lady made you a proposition,” Spyglass said in a flat neutral voice.



Sigma: [Rye] “No shit, captain, but if they want it, they aren’t dead, and they aren’t robots, no thanks.”



“Uh, I am flattered, but my services are currently secured ma’am,” Rye squeaked.

“Oh, that’s a real shame… we needed somepony who could stitch… and you could provide unicorn seed for our studies,” the earth pony said sadly.



Topher: Two words, other unicorns. There was no need to hit on a child.



Rye turned a bright crimson and he thought he was going to swallow his tongue. Just when he thought it was safe to breathe again, the earth pony kissed his cheek once more.



Scarlet: “Damn it, miss! His nose is bleeding all over the floor now! That’s biocontamination!”

SC276: Stop touching! I am the night!



“Our offer remains open should you change your mind… or maybe we could just secure some of your seed?” the earth pony said in a searing hot whisper.



Topher: And here we see how to get on several government watchlists in just a few seconds!

Scarlet: They don’t really want him to have sex, they’re just trying to lure him into jacking off into a cup for them.

Topher: Yeah, but five bucks says that they at least watch.



“Oooh my miss… you are very straight forward,” Rye observed nervously.



SC276: Bluntly and stupidly so.

Sigma: I guess they have no concepts like an “age of consent” yet.



“I am an earth pony… I have no use for subtlety,” she replied in a breathy whisper on Rye’s cheek. “Just… hard plowing of my fertile field. I have a stone in the furrow that needs to be worked loose.”



Topher: This is making my brothel joke hilarious in hindsight.

Scarlet: You know, I think Skeeter’s still conscious for this.

SC276: Speaking of which, why aren’t they fawning over the supersized muscular Apple again?



“I would be most grateful if you ignored me and looked after my friend. I am very worried about Skeeter,” Rye murmured nervously.



Topher: [Earth Pony] “Oh, ok!” [Rye] “Thank you, he is very sick, and I need you to- GOD DAMMIT I NEED YOU TO CURE HIM, NOT GIVE HIM A BLOWJOB!”



The earth pony backed away and her demeanour changed. “This one is a tough nut to crack Spyglass.



Sigma: [EP] “Watch, I’ll prove it. *a cracking noise is heard* See? I had to put both hooves into that.” [Rye] “MY THIRD TESTICLE!”



Where did you find him? I’m sorry, I gave it everything I had,” she said as she turned away in frustration and took her place beside the others around the table.



Scarlet: What.



“You… you…” Rye stammered as he pointed a hoof at Spyglass. “You were testing me!”



Scarlet: What.



“Well, my last cabin colt took them up on their offer,



SC276: Didn’t you throw him overboard for turning on the captain in the middle of a battle?



as did the one before, and several other potential hopefuls that I have added to my crew, hoping to add them in my inner circle,” Spyglass said with a shrug. “Some turned out okay, but most have had to go overboard,” the pegasus muttered.



Scarlet: Why would you even? Isn’t it kind of common knowledge that sailors spend a lot of time being sexually frustrated and are thus very pliable when someone offers them free- you know what, fuck it.

SC276: Especially when one of your crew members is pretty freakin’ sick, and I mean in the more direct medical definition. Could the whole secret test of character routine not wait until after the guy isn’t going to die?!



“Is Skeeter going to be okay?” Rye asked as he shuddered and shook himself, trying to ease his frustrated feelings.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Uh, no, looks like he died while we were distracted with that secret test of character there.”



“He’ll be fine,” the unicorn said. “We need to drain his face though. He’s going under from the sleeping potion as we speak,” she reported.



Topher: Rule #1, Skeeter. You never accept a drink from someone in a place like this. You’ll wake up with panties on your head and you’ll be down a kidney.



“You’re not into other colts are you?



Sigma: He must not be paying attention to the much needed character we have given Rye.



I mean, it is fine if you are, I am a very open minded pegasus and I am well ahead of how most others feel about this issue,” Spyglass inquired. “I believe in social progress!”



Topher: This automatically makes him a good person, regardless of previous crimes.

Scarlet: Every time someone says that I just die a little inside. Because if you’re that progressive YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T GIVE ENOUGH OF A SHIT TO ASK.



“What? Wait… I… no! Look, Lace Collar kept making passes at me and I kept turning him away… I was always worried he was going to force me,” Rye said. He froze moments after the last words left his mouth when he realised what he had blurted out.



Scarlet: Oh Jesus. Old pedobear gay man. Thank you for that trope, author, I needed more of it in my life.

SC276: Hear that, world? Gays and/or bisexuals are always greedy evil people that sell their own species into slavery!



“Rye, you have nothing to fear, those words will not leave this room. Will they Crab?”

The big earth pony looked down at his captain. “My lips are sealed as always sir,”



Topher: [Rye] “If they’re not, I know how to sew ‘em up good!”



Crab responded.

With a sigh of relief, Rye Mash settled into silence. He crossed the room, avoiding the brazen earth pony in the middle, and settled himself on a cushioned chair.



SC276: Good for that to be here right when Rye needs it and not a minute before.



The two ponies and the zebra were busy working their craft and there was a strange bitter smelling purple powder that wafted through the air above Skeeter.



Scarlet: “Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cheek pus bubble…”



“These really are remarkable stitches,” the unicorn praised.



Sigma: “And by remarkable I mean I must remark upon how terrible they are.”



“Spyglass, I hope you have done the honourable thing and paid the poor colt a few extra coins.”

“Young Mister Mash is just as good at creating wounds as he is stitching them up.



Topher: [Spyglass] “Sometimes he does both to the same person! We’re very proud.”



I paid him quite well, didn’t I Rye?” Spyglass answered reassuringly.

“I have a very fat coin purse,” Rye agreed.



Topher: *waggles eyebrows* knowwutImean?



“Don’t spend your coins securing comfort in the ale halls. There is an annoying case of the drip going around.



Sigma: “It’s seriously terrible. Have you ever tried going to sleep when your sink just won’t stop dripping? It’s impossible!”



You wouldn’t want to catch that,” the zebra warned.

“The drip?” Rye asked. “Securing comfort?”



Scarlet: You are not that dumb.

SC276: Arguably.



“Securing the services of a common prostitute… and the drip is probably one of the many diseases you can catch around here,” Spyglass said in disgust.

“My offer still stands. I am clean and willing,” the earth pony offered.



Scarlet: Is this seriously going to be a thing?



“Oh no, for all I know, this is just part of the test, you just scratch your own itch,” Rye retorted.

“Damnit,” the earth pony swore. “I was in the mood for a little hunt the radish,” she muttered.



Topher:...That’s a new one.

SC276: That just reminds me of the story that named the Radish Cure trope.



“I… uh, intriguing as it might be, I don’t even want to know what that means,” Rye said



SC276: Neither do we.

Sigma: It sounds stupid.



as he settled himself into the chair and made himself comfortable.

“It means,” the zebra began helpfully.



Sigma: “You shove your face in her ass.”



“That you shove your snoot into her fertile earth and root around until you find her radish,” the unicorn finished.



SC276: ...That explains nothing!

Sigma: Well, earth and dirt are brown...



“UGH I SAID I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW!” Rye shouted as Spyglass began to guffaw.



Topher: [Rye] “I HAVE A DEEP-ROOTED DISGUST FOR AGRICULTURE!”

Scarlet: And then Crab decks him. The end!

Sigma: Okay, I feel like I should point out that for all 8 chapters of this, I STILL see way too many places where commas should be to make this flow better.



“I helped a filly find her radish,” Crab said shyly but with a hint of pride.



Scarlet: “Exactly once. And she never spoke to me again afterward.”



“Oh?” Spyglass asked. “Who was the lucky filly?”



Topher: [Crab] “My Cousin.”



“My cousin,” Crab said bashfully.



Topher: Damn, that’s the second time in a row I’ve managed to predict events!

SC276: We’re just going to go through all the MLP fandom clichés, aren’t we.



“Egads,” Spyglass said dryly. He shuddered and flapped his wings as he stomped his hooves a few times.



SC276: Why are you still here? You said you only had just enough time to take them to the doctor’s, then had to get back to the ship. Hell, Rye’s secret test of character is over already, and you know they’re working on your sick crew member. You literally have no reason to stick around. ...Hell, same reason for Crab, he’s got a freakin’ ship to guard like a pacifist.



Crab seemed utterly oblivious to his captain’s discomfort and stood there smiling, his eyes closed, obviously enjoying a pleasant memory.



Sigma: [Crab] “No, see, we’re farmers, I literally found her radish. She lost it somewhere in the apple trees.”



“I’m gonna go home and marry her I think,” the stallion said dreamily.



Topher: [Crab] “My little cousin AJ…”

Scarlet: Wouldn’t it be Granny Smith in this scenario? Yes, you’re welcome for the mental images.

SC276: Consider a little more. It’d be Granny Smith when she was hot.

Sigma: So… Sister Smith?



The unicorn stepped away from the table, went to a bookshelf, pulled down a book with wooden covers, and presented it to Rye. “Read this as you wait. Look at the diagrams. It will help you,”



Topher: [Rye] “This is a copy of the Kama Sutra.” [Earth Pony] “READITDAMNYOU!”

Scarlet: “Why are all the parts of the body labeled with the names of various vegetables?”



she said pleasantly before leaving Rye with the book and returning to the table to continue her work.

The zebra was mashing something in a stone mortar with a hoof stained a brownish green and humming to herself as she worked. Whatever it was she was mashing spelled spicy and exotic.



Scarlet: “Huh? No, it’s not a poultice. I’m making curry for lunch.”



The earth pony was busy chewing on something and then spitting small pieces into the zebra’s mortar.

“Earth pony saliva has been shown to have many useful properties,” the zebra said in conversational tones as she worked. “And pegasus spit is good for waterproofing,” she added.



SC276: Note the author doesn’t mention what the Earth pony spit actually does.

RJ: Earth pony spit is just like mom spit.

Sigma: Earth pony spit is mud. Very useful for when you need to make a getaway and slow down your foes.



“What does unicorn spit do?” Rye asked.



Topher: It melts steel beams.

Scarlet: With rainbows.



The zebra shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve studied it, but I haven’t yet discovered any results,” she admitted.



Scarlet: “We’re going to try frenching next.”



“And unicorn seed?” Rye asked hesitantly.

“Oh, I’ve found a use for that,” the zebra said cheerfully.

“I am not sure I want to know,” Rye said.



SC276: Neither do we.

Scarlet: “If you plant it in a vagina, it grows new unicorns!”

SC276: ...OK, besides the obvious.



“Spunk from different stallions have different sorts of properties,” the zebra explained, ignoring Rye’s concerns. “Earth pony seed can cause mares to go into season and become fertile with repeated rutting.



SC276: So the more an Earth pony stallion fucks a girl, the hornier the girl gets?



Pegasi seed is very strange. I haven’t found a good use for it, but it does not freeze. I might mix it into a potion to see it will help the drinker resist cold magic,” the zebra said.



Scarlet: ...Why is this sequence here, again? Will pegasus spunk’s properties become a detail crucial to a future chapter? Chekhov’s Spunk?



“Potions?” Rye asked.

“We sell them to the students and the locals all the time. We never tell them what goes into them. What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” the unicorn said sweetly.



Scarlet: And the magic students are just like “yeah, sure, I have absolutely no questions about the reagents of this shit I’m drinking.”

Sigma: Wait, so they sell semen as potions? Okay, I could buy amateur mages selling semen to the mage’s college in Fate/stay night, but here it’s just pushing it.



“Ugh,” gagged Rye. “So, uh, what about unicorn spunk?” he asked timidly.

“Oh, it has strong aphrodisiac properties and we can brew a potion from it that, well, while it isn’t a love potion, it does have a way of relaxing the standards of any mare or stallion that drinks it and makes them very very excited and ready to go,” the earth pony said.



Topher: I guess there were things they didn’t show us in Hearts and Hooves Day.

Scarlet: “We call it ‘booze.’”

Sigma: So it’s like a semi-date rape drug? Good god.



“And you know this how?” Rye asked.



SC276: And you know this, how now?



“Oh, we get to experiment on students that do poorly, we also use mice, rats, and a number of other animals,” the unicorn said.



Topher: Mice, rats, and college students. A menagerie of lower life forms!

SC276: If I wasn’t actually struggling with my classes, I’d be more insulted.



“You know, somehow, I never did learn your names,” Rye said.

“Oh, we do not usually give out our names,” the trio said as one.



Topher: Well, if I’m going to keep writing gag dialogue for you three, I need your names!



Rye felt a little creeped out by the reply, with all of them speaking at once. “I insist,” he said nervously. “Especially after the earth pony tried to seduce me.”



Scarlet: “Your propositions doth offend my honor, good madam!”



“To know our names is to know suffering,” the three of them said in unison.



Scarlet: AGH, JESUS! Tonal whiplash hit me again from the opposite direction!

SC276: Knowing this fic is to know suffering, and if it isn’t, knowing Mykan’s writing is; you can’t possibly do any worse.

Sigma: Oh, great, are these three the Furies? The Kindly Ones?



“Crab, step outside if you will. Just outside the door and wait with me if you will,” Spyglass commanded.



SC276: [Spyglass] “If you will, if you will. If you will? If you will!”



The big earth pony didn’t have to be told twice. He stepped outside the door and Spyglass followed with him. The door closed behind them.



Scarlet: “Enjoy the orgy, you crazy kids!”



“Are you sure you want to know?” they all asked in unison.

Rye was scared now, but he felt that he had to know. Perhaps this was another test and Spyglass was still having a go at him.



SC276: Given the guy still hasn’t left, that’s a distinct possibility.



He swallowed, licked his lips nervously, and took a deep breath. “I would like to know your names ladies,” he said as calmly as possible.



Scarlet: “Fine, alright. She’s Moe, she’s Shemp, and I’m-”



There were three sad sounding sighs from the mares.

“I am Clotho,” the earth pony said.

“I am Lachesis,” the zebra said.

“And I am Atropos,” the unicorn announced. “But there are those who call me “Morta” instead,” she added cryptically.



Topher: One: With those names I’m terrified beyond all rational thought. Two: Those are too hard to spell for riffing purposes. Three: I’ll save you a trip to Google, they’re named after the Greek fates.

Sigma: GOD DAMMIT, SERIOUSLY?

Scarlet: Also, if you fuse them you get the Norn as a special Persona! Really good if you need a solid wind-element caster.

SC276: “Past-” “Present, and-” “Future. Indoor plumbing; it’s gonna be big.”



Clotho cleared her throat. “Tradewinds is a very peculiar place Mister Mash. This place has many travelers and traders of every sort pass through this city. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told just what sort of folk travel through here and do business here,” the earth pony said softly.



Scarlet: “I mean seriously, did you see that circus that came through yesterday? That one dude actually ate a bicycle! Without ketchup!



“We already knew that you would pass your test,” Lachesis said.

“And we knew that you would insist on knowing our names,” Atropos said.



SC276: [Hades] “I know you know. OK?”

Topher: Hang on, let me get into character. *sets hair on fire* In hindsight, this might have been a terrible error on my part.



“You were born to suffer,” Clotho said sadly.

“I refuse to believe that,” Rye said defiantly.



Topher: [Rye] “I’m a dominant through and through!”

Scarlet: Technically since he was born to serve as our riff target, they’ve got one thing right.



The three mares all laughed.



SC276: We would too if all the humor didn’t feel drained out of us.



“You will be defiant until the very end,” the three said together.

“Keep the book, you will need it after the choice that you have made,” Atropos said.



Scarlet: “And though you shall hunt furiously, you shall never find the radish.”

SC276: Y’know, y’think they would’ve wised up and come up with pseudonyms eventually. That way they don’t curse or whatever everyone that wants to know anything about them. ...Also, we’re never going to get the title of the dang book, are we.

Sigma: I’m still bored.



“We knew you would, but we still hoped that you wouldn’t. Occasionally, there are those who steer their fate away for whatever reason.



SC276: “But then we hunt them down and kill them in ways that could only be described as the universe hating their guts.”



But you have embraced yours. Your mark suits you, death dealer,” Lachesis said in a sad voice.

“Death dealer?” Rye asked nervously.



Topher: How could someone who shoots people in the dick be considered one who deals death?

Scarlet: Kills both the target and his potential fatherhood in a single shot.

SC276: Keep your hands off my tarot cards, hussies.



“What else can come from a mark such as that? You are no agent of harmony. You are one of mine,” Atropos said in a chilling voice.



Scarlet: “And one day you will grant me a seed sample.”

SC276: Hold that mortal’s thread of life good and tight...



“I don’t understand,” Rye said. “Is this a joke? Is Spyglass testing me?” he asked.

“This is no joke,



SC276: It is if you’re talking about the fic.



but you are being tested,” Lachesis replied.

“By who?” Rye asked.



Sigma: By YO MAMA!



“By the Fates,” the three mares said together with a mad cackle.



SC276: Also, all of us are silently judging your every move. ...OK, loudly judging your every move.



Author's Note:

So... does anybody know who the earth pony, the unicorn, and the zebra are?



Scarlet: Considering they literally just said it out loud… no, I don’t think anyone will get your subtle reference.

Topher: I didn’t, but Google did, sucker!

Sigma: ...Does anybod- YOU LITERALLY SAID IT NOT FIVE MINUTES AGO.



Do you see any typos? If you do, let me know, thanks!



SC276: ...Wait, it’s over already? This story was so boring and so sliding down the slippery slope, I thought we were still in the middle of the part.

Scarlet: Well, there’s about another However Long This Goddamn Thing Is to go. I was willing to give this a pass as so-bad-it’s-good action shlock for a little bit, but then we hit the Fates and… I’m sorry, people are voluntarily supporting this author? With real money?

Sigma: $693 a month, people. $693 a fucking month.

SC276: Mostly I’m concerned right now with the sudden introduction of sexual elements. Like seriously, sudden talk of semen and rape… Most professional writers just stick to sex or violence for a reason. And then there’s the fact he expected us to take completely seriously a guy dying by his crotch being shot off. That wasn’t badass, that was just stupid! On top of all the other things I mini-lectured on earlier!

Scarlet: You can do more than one in a story when it comes to sex and violence- I mean, look at stuff like Use of Weapons by Iain M. Banks, where both happen (though not at the same time). Or at the hard-boiled detective genre. Where it doesn’t work is showing the very disturbingly real outcomes of violence so ludicrous that Hotline Miami feels like it might need to be toned down a bit. Skeeter’s dying from a cheek infection, but hey! Great time for the Fates to joke about radish-hunting! It just reeks on a tonal level.

SC276: Yeah, it’s like it’s trying to be too “edgy,” I think. “Oooh, look at all these dark things! Death! Racism! Slavery! Hitting on people in the most roundabout yet child-unfriendly way possible! This is most certainly good writing because it has it all!”

Sigma: I bet if Kudzu sees this he’ll make yet another long winded rant about why his stories are so deep, complex, morally challenging, and blah blah fuckity-blah. Or maybe he won’t to show he’s “The better man,” which I know is bullshit, but he’ll probably do it to say that we have no idea what kind of person he is and we can’t just predict what he does like that. Or he’ll probably just make a passive aggressive blog vaguely referring to this. He loves doing those. I gotta say, he’s managed to become one of the few authors I hold legitimate contempt for.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Once again, since (most of the time, at least) this riff is mainly their show, I’m handing the intro over to Sigma and Steel.

Sigma: So, yeah. The Catch. Part three. Does anything more need to be said? It’s more Kudzuhaiku bullshit that’s perfect riffbait.

Steel: Also, the legendary chapter that Ring’s constantly been baiting me with is coming up in this part! Exciting!

Sigma: The only thing that this “legendary chapter” excites is my urge to bash my monitor in with a mallet.

Steel: Hi ho, repair bills!

Sigma: So, let’s get this damn thing going before I quit and go back to One Piece.

RingmasterJ5: As a bit of a warning, this part is going to be slightly longer than usual at six chapters and 13K words. Partly because we want to get this over with in a reasonable amount of parts, partly because these chapters are some of the shortest in the fic, and partly because where chapter twelve ends off at isn’t the best place to stop the riff. Without further ado, part three of “The Catch”.



Chapter 9

Rye Mash roamed the streets of Tradewinds, feeling confused and alone.



Scarlet [Rye]: “So wait that one mare propositions me three times and has two hot co-workers and I have screwed none of them? What the hell is with me?”

Steel: [Rye] “The world doesn’t make sense anymore...”



Skeeter had returned to the ship with Crab and was no doubt safely secured away in his hammock.



Scarlet: Given that he was tied in there, he should be anyway.

Steel: Wow, I did miss something here, didn’t I?

SC276: OK, it took me like a minute to remember who these ponies are. Like, I forgot that Skeeter was a thing.



He looked much better. Spyglass had apparently vanished after stepping out of the door, leaving Crab all by himself to wait.



Scarlet: If by “vanished” we mean “stepped over the edge of the ship straight into the waters below”, then yes.

Steel: [Spyglass] “GOD DAMN IT NOT AGAAAAAaaaaiiiii...”

SC276: He literally said he was only going to drop them off or something akin. Why is this a surprise?



He roamed the markets, thinking as he trotted, and mindful of any threats around him.



SC276: Now or later…? Now... or later…? ...Oh hell with it, ALWAYS WATCHING, WAZOWSKI. ALWAYS.



He was well armed. Multiple pistols and two shotguns.



Scarlet: All of which he caressed lovingly at every opportunity, thinking of the sweet lovemaking which awaited them in the future.

Steel: [Rye] “Ahhh, my loves, everyone’s eyes are on you... such beauty and class can never be ignored.”

SC276: Much in the same way one has trouble looking away from a train wreck.



He was aware of the stares of other equines as he moved through the crowd. He heard murmurs about his mark from various passersby.



Scarlet [Passerby]: “I say! There goes a stallion who looks like he appreciates the value of a good corkscrew.”

Steel: [Other Passerby] “A cutie mark about four pie pieces? Must really like his baking!”



He smelled strange smells, saw strange ponies,



Steel: And felt strange feelings, such as shame.



and took in all of the differences all around him. He passed a stall where a zebra was selling what appeared to be roasted beetle grubs on a stick.



Steel: He ignored the fact that the zebra had a four foot long muzzle, and an even longer tongue.



Rye shied away from the stall but still relished the experience of seeing something new.



Scarlet: As well as the experience of watching a living creature dying at the end of a long, sharp object.

Steel: [Rye] “...This is hardly the time or the place, penis.”



He passed another stall where a zebra was pan roasting crickets over a fire.



Scarlet: Do not make me Google whether or not zebras eating insects is in any way a real thing, Kudzu. I will make you hurt.

Steel: [Rye] “I think roasting the crickets and juggling them with two pans is a bit showy.”



As he passed a narrow alleyway, a zebra mare lifted her tail as he passed by.



Scarlet: God damn it, we just finished with the Fates! This isn’t a clopfic, the story’s passive-aggressive every time sex gets brought up, why are these details even in here?

SC276: Because “mature.”

Steel: One ravenous bout of sex later...



He kept going, but had trouble tearing his eyes away.



Steel: [Rye] “Kind of hard not to look at someone under me.”



Smaller airships hovered over the street, tethered to towers and buildings, and it looked as though some where used as living spaces.



Steel: Flying appartments made out of ships? Kinda cool.

SC276: I need to steal this idea for my own original ‘verse. Maybe if I hide among the extra letters...



Others were basically rowboats with gasbags and were used to carry passengers above the busy streets, away from the filth and the crowds.



Scarlet [Airship Pilot]: “And for an extra two bits, I’ll make sure that my flight route avoids ever coming into contact with Rye Mash!” [Random Pony]: “DONE”

Steel: Two bits in profits, thousands avoided in painting costs.



“You there!”



Steel: [Rye] “OH GOD THE VAMPIRES HAVE COME FOR ME!”

Topher: OH GOD “A BEAUTIFUL BUT SCARY EFFECT” FLASHBACKS!

Fallen Prime: ...I’m responsible for compiling and announcing these, and I STILL forgot that was a thing.



Rye halted as a unicorn approached him.

“Mercenary?” the unicorn asked.



Scarlet [Rye]: “No, I’m Rye Mash. Cutthroat Mercenary’s still on board.”

Steel: [Rye] “I’ll give you intricate instructions on how to reach him when he’s vulnerable if you promise not to suck my blood.”



“Something like that. I am not offering my services. I am currently engaged,” Rye replied.



Scarlet [Rye]: *holds up his four-barreled pistols* “And here’s my fiancé!”

Steel: [Rye] “They are all beautiful, aren’t they?”

SC276: Talk about polyamorous relationships.

RJ: Hate to see the arguments though.



“I need work,” the unicorn said.

Rye smiled. Spyglass was looking for unicorns.



Scarlet: “Do you have any qualifications?” “There’s a pointy thing on my head which it might be possible to cast spells using.” “Perfect! Join our pirate crew.”

Steel: [Rye] “Come this way, my friend, I’ll get you... ‘initiated’...” [Unicorn] “...Why’re you looking at my ass?” [Rye] “Customary thing, have to make sure you can take a hit in the back without being injured.”



“What made you think I was a mercenary?” Rye inquired politely.



Steel: [Unicorn] “You stink of blood and sex, you’re covered in firearms enough to scare most conscripted soldiers, and your eyes are constantly locked on ponies’ necks.” [Rye] “Oh? Thought I was past the ‘imagine you slitting someone’s throat’ phase of my life...”



The unicorn shrugged and pointed at Rye’s mark.



Steel: [Rye] “Stop looking at my rump! Pervert!” [Unicorn] “You were just staring at mine!” [Rye] “Well I was checking it for any wounds! That’s not perverted!” [Unicorn] “Bullshit!”



“Oh, well, I see. I guess maybe it is rather obvious,” Rye said. “You don’t mind serving on an airship?” he asked.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Or, for that matter, servicing the crew of an airship?”

Steel: [Unicorn] “I’m more versed in servicing than I want to admit.” [Rye] “Perfect, now if you’d just come into the alley with me...”



The unicorn looked thoughtful for a moment and his muzzle scrunched. Finally, he shook his head no. “Would give me a chance to study,” the unicorn muttered.

“What do you study?” Rye questioned.

“Everything,” the unicorn replied.



Scarlet: Except, apparently, how to find a job that won’t involve getting shot.

Topher: They are surprisingly hard to come by these days. Daycare employees have one of the highest turnover rates I’ve ever seen.

SC276: Dude, stop acting like me when I was younger.



“Mind if I get your name? So that way, when I introduce you to Spyglass, I will have a name to give him?” Rye asked.

“Starjammer,” the unicorn said absentmindedly.

“Starjammer?” Rye said.



Scarlet: “Rocky!”



Starjammer nodded but said nothing.

“You don’t say much, do you?” Rye asked.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “The fewer lines I actually say, the less likely that I’m going to look like an idiot later in the fic.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “Also, ponies keep twisting my words into innuendos. Honestly, I can only take so much.” [Rye] “Mmm, yes, I figure you could take a lot...” [Starjammer] “And this is why I don’t talk much.”



Starjammer shook his head no but said nothing in reply.



Steel: [Rye] “So, how about a joke?” [Starjammer] “...” [Rye] “Knock knock!” [Starjammer] “...” [Rye] “I see!” [Starjammer] “...” [Rye] “I see youuuu okay you’re no fun.”



“So where are you from?” Rye inquired politely.

“Canterlot,” Starjammer answered.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Do you have any relations there who will miss you if I disappear you to my love dung- I mean, are you married?”

Steel: [Rye] “Any particular place in Canterlot?” [Starjammer] “No.” [Rye] “Any qualms about what might happen to you during your ensl— er, employment?” [Starjammer] “One.” [Rye] “What qualm is that?” [Starjammer] “You.”



“I’m from there are well… do you have a house?” Rye asked.

“Avarice,” Starjammer mumbled.



Scarlet: You know given he’s about to admit he’s a fugitive in literally the next few lines, any idea why he’d give anyone a concrete idea of his background? Especially a random mercenary who has no reason to help him out, and might just turn him in for a bounty?

Steel: Starjammer lives on the edge, man, it’s all or nothing! FREEDOM OR BUST!

SC276: Oh these guys again.



Rye jerked his head back. “Oh,” he gasped. “That might be an issue.”



Steel: [Rye] “I kind of murdered someone from there...” [Starjammer] “Join the club.”



“No issue,” Starjammer said.

“It might be… House Avarice is sort of Spyglass’ sworn enemies I think,” Rye explained.

“I’m a fugitive,” Starjammer said in mild annoyance.

“A fugitive?” Rye asked.



Scarlet: This dialogue apparently brought to you by Hideo Kojima. [/shameless joke stealing]

SC276: METAL GEAR?



“Yes,” Starjammer replied.

“What did you do?” Rye inquired curiously.

“Patricide. Matricide. Fratricide,” Starjammer said casually. “In that order,” he added in what seemed like a loquacious burst of verbosity.



Scarlet: Accompanied by a sudden vocabulary explosion on Kudzu’s part. I think your Thesaurus might’ve sprung a leak there, boyo.

Topher: Or, to translate it from nerd, he killed a bunch of people. Specifically his family.

Steel: [Starjammer] “I prefer to call it Pamafricide.” [Rye] “Creative... I think we’ll get along just fine, my new cohort...”



“Oh… oh I see,” Rye gasped. “Might I ask why?”

“Sure,” Starjammer answered.



Scarlet: You know what bugs me? This is a pretty funny line, but it doesn’t work as written. If Kudzu had mentioned an awkward silence or done anything but rapidly transition to Rye’s question, this would be an actual funny joke. As it is, it’s just sort of blink and you miss it, and even then the joke falls flat because the timing is off.

Steel: [Rye] “Could I ask why you murdered your father, mother, and sibling or siblings?” [Starjammer] “Sure.” [Rye] “Oh good, I thought that might be an odd topic. Did you use a whip and chains?” [Starjammer] “Maliciously.” [Rye] “Tell me more...”



“Why?” Rye asked.

“I felt like it,” Starjammer said.



Scarlet [Rye]: “I’m split between my sense of camaraderie and my feeling that if I invite you aboard I’ll have to share the sociopathic murder-fucker chair with somepony else.”

Topher: A fan of random murder! A man after my own heart. *Shoots Scarlet in the head* Nothing personal, It’s just that you always seem to sit right within head-shooting range.

Scarlet: I’m going to have to make a festive necklace out of all these bullets, someday.

Steel: [Rye] “And my evil army grows one stronger...”



“I see,” Rye said. “So, uh, any reason why you felt like it?”

“Slavery rubs me wrong,” Starjammer groused.



Scarlet: [Rye]: “I don’t blame you. She gave the worst handjobs. Need some help hiding the body?”

Steel: [Starjammer] “No need.” [Rye] “Why?” [Starjammer] “She was tasty.”



“Uh, well then. I think Spyglass will be happy to meet you. I’ll, uh, save you the trouble of having to talk to him and I will just tell him all of this if that is alright with you,” Rye offered.

Starjammer nodded with said nothing in reply.



Scarlet: Read that last sentence. Remind yourself that people are paying money to Kudzu on a monthly basis for him to keep churning out chapters with this level of quality. Feel your heart blacken and die.

RingmasterJ5: The worst part? This is one of the few fics of his that he actually takes a large amount of time between chapters to write, yet there’s nothing to show for it!

Topher: HOLD THE PHONE! People are PAYING for this? I mean this is bad, but I like some of the concepts and ideas being thrown around, like the huge interspecies bazaar and of course I love the whole aeronautical aspect, but people are actually PAYING for this? I was going to let this story off the hook, just a poorly executed good idea, but- I’ll just cut this rant short now, or we’ll be here all night..

RingmasterJ5: Wait until next chapter, no way anyone will almost let it off ANY hooks then.

Topher: Oh, lord.



“So, do you have any gear that needs to be gathered or luggage?” Rye inquired.

The other unicorn shook his head no.



Scarlet: Does anyone else feel like this scene would’ve been improved by just ending? Or never beginning?

Steel: [Starjammer] “I need help.” [Rye] “Here, let me direct you to my captain and walk away like this never happened.”



“I am going to continue to explore the city for a bit. I’ll be heading back eventually. Don’t mind a bit of poking around do you?” Rye asked.



Scarlet: Oh Christ, he’s playing this like an Elder Scrolls game. Get out while you can, Starjammer! He’ll force you to sit around while he collects cheese wheels!

Steel: [Rye] “Just got a few things to turn in, that’s all!” And Starjammer never saw Rye again.

Topher: [Rye] “I’ll just head back to the Fates and do a little ‘poking around’ if you catch my drift.”



Starjammer shrugged noncommittally and said nothing.

“Know where a gunsmith is?” Rye asked.



Scarlet [Rye]: “I’ve got four barrels I want to slightly enlarge for… various purposes. If you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “Smoothbore?” [Rye] “Of course!” [Starjammer] “Good choice.”



Starjammer actually smiled for a moment as he nodded his head yes.



Steel: BATMAN SPIRAL, DANANANANANANAAA!

Topher: I believe you were looking for this?



Rye stared at the guns on display. The shop was long and narrow, and various racks lined the walls. It stunk of black powder and gun oil. And Rye fell in love over and over with everything he saw.



SC276: We know. We’ve riffed on it profusely.



Pistols of all shapes and sizes. Rifles. Shotguns. There were crossbows too, but Rye had no interest in those.



Scarlet [Rye]: “No hole, can’t fuck, not worth my time.”



“A pony with a gun talent.”

Rye turned and looked at the griffon speaking to him.

“My name is Augustus,” the griffon said.



SC276: [Augustus] “But not Mr. Caesar, that’s my adoptive father’s name.”



“And you… you are going to be a good customer,” the griffon stated in a pleased sounding voice.



Scarlet: I see that my last hope of relief has been dashed. I was holding out for this to metamorphose into Gunsmith Cats as soon as we walked into a weapons shop.

SC276: That sounds badass and adorable.

Fallen Prime: Adorabloodthirsty.

Scarlet: Something like that, actually….



“Nice shop,” Rye said politely.

“Thanks,” Augustus replied. “You are well kitted out. I see some fine pistols.”



Scarlet [Augustus]: *runs tongue around beak and purrs*

Steel: [Rye] “Oh my word, I feel like I’ve just been penetrated.” [Augustus] “Give me a few minutes, I’ll get you ‘fitted’ properly...”



Giving a nod in reply, Rye Mash continued to look at the various guns in the rack. He saw quite a number of double barreled pistols, but nothing quite like his four barreled pistol.



Scarlet: Remember when I said that it sounded like a four year old had come up with that weapon? Yeah, double that.

SC276: It just only now occured to me that the barrels for this dumb four-shooter aren’t all in a row.



“You know, I sell more than just guns in here,” Augustus announced.



Steel: [Augustus] “I also ensure certain ‘services’ and needs are met...” [Rye] “Hnnnnrrrrgh...” [Starjammer] “Why are you bending over?”



“Oh?” Rye inquired hopefully.



Steel: [Rye] “Please tell me that includes happy endings...”

SC276: We’ll take thirty.



The griffon reached down below a counter and pulled up a large book.



SC276: Consult… the brigand’s… handbook.



“Gunsmithing. How to make guns. How to modify guns. Practical gun designs,”



Topher: [Rye] “I’LL HAVE NO TRUCK WITH PRACTICAL GUN DESIGN THANK YOU VERY MUCH!”



Augustus said as he set the book down on the counter.



Scarlet: Oh, nevermind, it is Gunsmith Cats. Just somehow skeezier, and also shit.



“How much?” Rye asked. “I have some different coins that I could pay you.”

“I’ll grab a scale. Four measures worth of silver or one small measure worth of gold. Which is a steal really, I am practically giving this book away. I am hoping that you will be generous in return…” Augustus answered.



Scarlet: *produces record player* I see my decision to purchase “solid gold ‘70s porn background music” on vinyl continues to be vindicated.

Steel: [Augustus] “I’ve made my best sales to this music...”



“What do you want?” Rye questioned.

“When you make something, I’d like a chance to study it,” the griffon said boldly.



Scarlet [Augustus]: “You see, as I run a weapons market and appear quite knowledgeable about the ins and outs of constructing them myself, I think I have quite a bit I could learn from a pony whose talent seems to consist of pulling the trigger and masturbating furiously to shotguns.”

Steel: [Rye] “Correction, with shotguns. And it isn’t masturbation, it’s making love. Get it right, beaky.”



“I am not sure how I feel about that,” Rye said.



SC276: Especially since we have no idea if this is like a standard stop for Spyglass’s ship. Whatever it’s called.

Steel: [Rye] “But I know what I feel about you.” [Augustus] “Ah, perfect~...” [Rye] “Please keep fucking me with those eyes...”



“I’ll give you the book for free. With a mark like that, I know you’ll be coming up with something worthwhile,” Augustus stated.



Scarlet [Augustus]: “Besides, the Fates told me you were the protagonist. I’m just going to assume your gun-building skills are as overblown AND as bullshit as anything else you do.”

Steel: [Rye] “They aren’t overblown! They’re underestimated!” [Augustus] “I hope that’s the same about what your raised tail is saying...”

SC276: For crying out loud, this guy doesn’t pay for anything even with the thing that literally only functions by paying!



“That’s tempting,” Rye admitted.

“Good trade,” Starjammer said. “Ideas. Worth more than gold.”



SC276: You know nothing about the video game industry, do you.



Rye blinked at the unicorn’s outburst of words.



Steel: [Rye] “Quiet, Star, adults are speaking.” [Starjammer] “More like eye-raping each other.” [Rye] “Exactly. Talking.”



“We’re trading ideas. I wrote this book. I’m giving you ideas. I am asking for a few in return,” Augustus said.



Scarlet: Jesus fuck he literally wrote the book on the subject and this guy’s barely learned how to- you know what? Never mind, Kudzu, I take it all back. Rye Mash’s magic proficiency at everything is your real crime. The creepy sexual politics are just a bonus!



“Deal,” Rye answered. “Now, about that long barreled pistol with the telescope looking thing mounted on it, can you explain to me what that is?”



Scarlet [Augustus]: “Actually, that’s just a telescope. I drew a pistol for the stand because it looks cooler.”



The pair emerged from the shop a short time later and Rye had a new pistol tucked into his harness. Blackened ebony wood, blued metal barrel, and a brass scope.



Scarlet [Starjammer and Rye]: *simultaneously lick lips*

Steel: [Rye] “Let’s find somewhere private to try this out...” [Starjammer] “Lead on.”



The pistol had a different barrel than the others Rye had, it had metal grooves that the griffon called “rifling” which would make the fired shot far more accurate.



SC276: Also, traceable.



It also used a different bullet than the standard lead ball, this bullet was flat on one side and elongated a bit, making it look like an egg with a flat spot.



Scarlet [Rye]: “I think I shall have something festive engraved on the side. Possibly ‘Rye’s Little Lovepot’.”

Steel: [Rye] “Lovepot, my dear, we will make sweet music together...”



The book was tucked away safely in a saddlebag.

“Why guns?” Starjammer asked.

“I don’t have a lot of magic,” Rye replied.



SC276: Have you tried?

RJ: He has to make the compensation come from somewhere.



“With a gun, I am a free pony. What I say matters. I am no longer a slave or a subject,” he explained.



Scarlet: ~”What a wonder is a gun, what a versatile invention/’cuz first of all when you’ve a gun, everybody pays attention~... that’s… that’s from Assassins. It is literally sung by a delusional murderer. The parody can no longer do justice.

Steel: [Rye] “If I say do a jig, ponies do a jig! If I say jump, ponies jump! If I say bend over, they start crying!” [Starjammer] “...” [Rye] “And when I conquer the world, I won’t even need a gun! They’ll just start crying if I walk into the room!”



“Type two?” Starjammer inquired.

Rye nodded. “Yes,” he stated. “You?”

“Three,” Starjammer replied.



Scarlet [Rye]: “I wasn’t asking about where you fall on the Kinsey Scale. Although that information is useful for other reasons.”

SC276: Is it explained anywhere in this universe what these types actually are? Because it’s not worldbuilding if no one can be bothered to appreciate it.



Both ponies ears perked as they heard a shriek in the distance, down in an dirty looking alleyway between two buildings.



SC276: Well if that’s not a Gentry trap, I don’t know what is.



Rye began to move forward, and then felt a magical tug on him.



Scarlet: Dear god the narrative is becoming “meta”! It is literally magically calling him to-



“Better not,” Starjammer advised.



Scarlet: Oh nevermind. Thought something interesting might be happening. Just more derp!



“But somepony is being hurt,” Rye said frantically.

“Maybe,” Starjammer said. “Or trap.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Love, have you been paying attention to me for the past few minutes? I don’t particularly care what’s under the skirt.”

SC276: STOP READING MY MIND.



“I’m going,” Rye said as pulled out a pistol. He couldn’t help but notice that Starjammer was rolling his eyes.



SC276: Odd, considering we’ve been doing it for, what, three months now?



Rye stomped forward and pulled out a second pistol, the matched brace that Velvet had given him. He turned around the corner of the alleyway, not sure what to expect.



Scarlet: Okay, I have to ask- why a second pistol? Why not pull out the shotgun you apparently have- you know what, not my fight. You go get shot, bro.

Topher: You always save your shotgun ammo for the stronger enemies! what is it with this story and me having to explain basic gaming logic!



He heard Starjammer behind him as he charged down the shadowy alleyway, pistols drawn. There was another scream from up ahead a panicked shrill scream that made something deep within Rye come to life.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Penis, we just had this discussion.”

SC276: He was starting to notice all the run-on sentences.



It made him murderous.



Scarlet: ...I have nothing. He’s actually supposed to be a bloodthirsty psych- argh. He’s not even a well-written psychopath!

Steel: [Rye] “Ohh, when I get in there, I am so going to let them kill whoever’s been caught, then say ‘self defense’ when they find the bodies! They can’t lock me up, and screwing the corpses until they’re bloated and white isn’t a crime! Mwhahahahahaha!”



He lept over trash and filth, old fish bones, and broken shards of pottery.



Scarlet: Ah yes, an assault taking place in one of those “random garbage and nothing else” alleyways.



As he continued, approaching yet another corner where there was an alleyway intersecting an alleyway behind the buildings, he heard a wet meaty sounding thud.



SC276: That could be one of two things, and the way both the fic and our fic are going, it could be either.



He came around the corner just in time to watch a griffon swinging a small filly around by her hind leg and her head approached the bricks with alarming speed.



Scarlet: ...Why? No, seriously, why? I don’t even have the energy to do a facetious, racist tirade against griffons. There is no context here. And also-



Inches before colliding with the wall again, the filly froze in midair.



Scarlet: -because Kudzu is terrible, there is no context for why she freezes and it’s not obvious until several lines later that either Starjammer or Rye telekinetically froze her.



The griffon looked very startled. It was the last look he made as Rye Mash pulled both triggers simultaneously. Both shots connected and the griffon’s suddenly headless body was hurled backwards by the impact.



RingmasterJ5: PISTOLS. DON’T. DECAPITATE.

Scarlet: You know, I joked about it before but I’m gonna say it again: Kudzu thinks all bullets run on Hellsing physics.

SC276: Which just makes all our joking about vampires funnier.



“Nice shot,” Starjammer said succinctly.



Topher: [Starjammer] “You hit a guy who was only a few feet away.”



The filly remained in mid air and Starjammer pulled the filly to him. She was dazed and unresponsive.



Topher: Oh, shit! I think the sudden stop may have actually messed her up!



The unicorn began to look her over. She was a little unicorn.



Scarlet: How the hell is it that every time I come to a riff, we get pedophilia involved somewhere? I mean we’re okay now, but you know none of us will resist a Rye Mash joke here.

Steel: [Rye] “She’s mine.” [Starjammer] “Just examining the merchandise.”



Rye took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves.



Steel: [Rye] “Lovepot, you make a most beautiful cry when you orgasm... ssss, gonna need a smoke after this.”



He began to reload his pistols, and as he was doing so, there was several loud pops all around him as several more unicorns winked into existence.



Scarlet: Oh thank God, spontaneous stranger danger patrol!



“We heard gunfire,” one of the unicorns announced.

“Don’t move or face obliteration,” another unicorn warned.



Topher: “Resistance is futile”



“That filly was just screaming and nopony helped her,” Rye said coldly, wondering how fast he could clear leather.



Scarlet [Unicorn #1]: “Your method of ‘helping’ has involved shooting someone in the face and also leering at her in a way that makes me entirely uncomfortable.” [Rye]: “I can’t help it! I’ve only got two settings, and they’re weirdly compatible!”

Steel: [Unicorn #3] “What the hell did you hit this gryphon with? He ‘asn’t got a head anymore!”



“Fillies scream all the time. Gunfire is a bit more important,” one of the unicorns replied.



Steel: [Rye] “What, you don’t rush to the scene to hear that beautiful music?”



“That griffon was swinging her into the wall,” Rye said, both guns now loaded.



Scarlet: [Unicorn #2]: “Um, guys, do you think we should be letting him load his weapons mid-interrogation like this?”

[Unicorn #1]: “Relax, I think he’s more focused on wanking them than he is on actually pointing one at us.”



“Probably wanted her horn and magical organs,” one of the unicorns muttered.

“Sick bastard,” another agreed.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Funny, I’ve heard that a lot since coming back to shore.”



“There is a thriving black market trade,” yet another explained.

“So am I in trouble?” Rye asked. He counted six unicorns. He cast a glance at Starjammer.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: *awkwardly shrugs and saunters away* “Good luck, champ.”



“Everything seems pretty cut and dry here. Dead griffon, some worthless orphan, two do-gooders. I’m going to leave this be. Reporting this would be too much paperwork,” a unicorn said in annoyance.



Scarlet [Unicorn #3]: “Um, guys, that stallion we were talking to just kinda stuck his tongue straight down the pistol he fired and now he’s licking the inside of the-”

[Unicorn #1]: “la la la la can’t hear you can’t see it moving on la la la la-”

RJ: Ah, the thin blue line. Which looks like it’s trying to lead back to the donut shop.



“I saw nothing,” another agreed.

“Please sir, no more accidental discharges within the city. Accidents happen, but be more careful in the future,” a unicorn warned.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Oh, that wasn’t accidental. Don’t worry, I know how to clean fluid out of a barrel. First thing they had to teach me!”

Steel: [Rye] “Besides, she loves it when I play with her like this...” [Unicorn #2] “...Sir?” [Unicorn #1] “Juuust forget this ever happened...”



“Wait, what of the orphan?” Rye asked.

“Leave her,” the unicorn suggested before winking away.



Scarlet: Followed by a nudge.

SC276: Say no more, say no more.

Topher: Twenty bucks says they keep her, ten more that she’s a love interest for Rye.

SC276: Sucker’s bet.



The others also winked away, until they were all gone, leaving Rye and Starjammer alone in the alley.



SC276: ...Y’know, if she’s an orphan, the least they could do is… return her to the freakin’ orphanage. Gheeze, unicorns are jerks.



The pair looked at one another and Rye kept his guns out and at the ready. He didn’t feel comfortable in the alley.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Hmmm. Future reference- perhaps wait until barrel has cooled before attempting copulation.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “I was timing how long it would take you to notice that.” [Rye] “Also remind me to fuck a bucket of cold water once we’re back at the ship.” [Starjammer] “I’ll remind you that being on top is the right choice.”



“What do we do?” Rye asked of his companion.

Starjammer shrugged and began to walk away with the filly held in his magic.

“Yeah, right, getting out of the alley is probably wise,” Rye said.



SC276: That only occurs to you now?



“Wait, I actually know a few healers.”



---



“Been busy,” Clotho muttered.



Scarlet [Clotho]: “Seriously? You couldn’t give us a chapter of rest? I was so looking forward to not being in this story.”



“We can help the foal,” Atropos offered. “Not her time anyway,” she grumbled.



SC276: Her time is a quarter past noon.



“Interesting companion,” Lachesis muttered, looking at Starjammer as she spoke.



Scarlet [Lachesis]: “Are you alright at-” [Starjammer]: “I don’t do radishes.” [Lachesis]: “God damn it!”



“Funny that both of you should meet,” Clotho said as she gently prodded the foal.

“Little one? Can you hear me? Atropos inquired.



Scarlet [Foal]: “Mr. Griffon said… one hard swing…. and I’d be outta this fic… liar… *breaks down sobbing*”



The foal squirmed but seemed unconscious.

“Missing an eye already, how sad,” Lachesis said.

“We can’t heal that,” Clotho stated.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Wait a minute, I’m confused. Aren’t you magical beings who-” [Clotho]: “Can’t heal that and please, do try to avoid questioning me while also groping Starjammer.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “I’m used to it.” [Clotho] “I’m not.”

SC276: Obvious solution: Millennium Eye! That can’t possibly backfire.



The zebra, the earth pony, and the unicorn went to work, each one doing their part. The unicorn stitched carefully, sewing back a flap of scalp that had split open.



Scarlet [Rye]: *gleefully holds out a swatch of fabric with little hearts printed on it* [Fates]: “NO.”

Steel: Fuck’s sakes, Scarlet, you are on the BALL.



The others were mashing up something in a mortar together.



SC276: This is just making me want to play WarioWare Smooth Moves again.



The foal made a couple of muffled cries even though she appeared to be unconscious.

“What is this going to cost me?” Rye asked.

“One day we will call in your debt,” Atropos answered.



Scarlet [Atropos]: “I am afraid that destiny literally functions like the mafia. Once you’re in, you never really get out.”

Steel: [Rye] “Can I quote Godfather?” [Atropos] “No.”



“Some sick bastard was going to cut off her horn and sell it. Her magical bits too.



Topher: Oh, I’m sure Rye would love to purchase a mare’s “Magical bits” for himself!



Please tell me that you fine ladies would never engage in such a trade,” Rye said, seeking reassurance.



Scarlet [Clotho]: “You may have missed the point where we gleefully sold people magic semen cocktails, and also had open conversation with you.”

Steel: [Atropos] “The latter was far more sinful.”



“We take only what is offered freely,” Clotho stated.

“I don’t know what to do with the filly,” Rye said to the three mares. “She’s an orphan. I’d feel bad just dumping her back out on the street after all of this,” he stated.



SC276: It’s called an orphanage, buddy.



“Why? She’s an orphan. And there are hundreds just like her on the streets outside. Why bother saving just one?” Lachesis inquired as she smashed something with her hoof.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “...I am not sure it was called for to break the patient’s skull before we could answer whether saving her was morally futile.” [Lachesis]: “Trust me, we know what’s coming next in the fic. It’d be a mercy.”



“That’s a good question, I don’t have an answer,” Rye answered.

“She’s mine,” Starjammer announced.

“What?” Rye asked.



SC276: [Rye] “I called her first!”



“Apprentice,” Starjammer muttered.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “I shall hug her and feed her and call her George.”



“I don’t know how Spyglass might feel about that,” Rye stated.

“She will make you a fine apprentice,” Atropos announced.



Scarlet [Atropos]: “Oh, I’m sorry. Forgot the airquotes in that sentence.”



“In a little while, she should wake up. Meanwhile, who wants tea?” Clotho inquired.



Scarlet: I do. But not from anywhere near the same pot Rye Mash is drinking from. *pours some from a kettle and sips* Mmmm… tastes like victory!

SC276: *sips a teacup… filled with orange juice* Could I get a lump of sugar over here?

Topher: What is it with you and orange juice? Every riff, you’re drinking it.

SC276: Well what is it with you and shooting people? We all have our loveable quirks.



Author's Note:

See any typos?



SC276: Well let’s start with the fact this story exists...



Chapter 10



RingmasterJ5: Alright, this is the chapter I’ve been constantly mentioning has the worst scene in the fic.

Fallen Prime: Don’t you dare not fuck this up, people.

SC276: OH BOY, HERE WE GO.



Moving through the crowds with caution, Rye Mash was in the process of returning to where The Whalefish was moored.



Steel: [Rye] “One more minion and one more future harem member. It’s good to be emperor.”

SC276: Oh right, it did have a name. It was just so lame that even though I’m surprisingly good at remembering fic details, I couldn’t be bothered to remember it.



Behind him was Starjammer, who was carrying the unicorn filly in his magic.



Steel: [Rye] “Are you sure she should be curled up into a ball?” [Starjammer] “Dribbling helps me think.”



Rye was slightly worried about bringing a filly on board a ship full of lonesome crewmembers. Bloody Velvet managed just fine, but Bloody Velvet was Bloody Velvet.



Steel: [Rye] “No one could ever defile my angel of vengeance...”

Scarlet [Velvet, Offstage]: “NEGATIVE. UNIT-RYE’S CALCULATION FAILS TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT EXISTENCE OF UNIT-RYE.”



Behind him, he heard a soft cry.



Steel: [Rye] “I know Clotho freaked you out, Starjammer, but honestly, she only touched you once.”



He stopped, turned, and found himself snoot to snoot with the filly, who was still floating.



Steel: [Starjammer] “Now kiss the bride...” [Rye] “Hilarious.”



She opened her remaining eye groggily and looked at Rye Mash. The pair studied one another for a moment.



Scarlet [Foal]: “It’s probably a good thing I’m already dead on the inside or this would be the point where I’d reach the apex of despair.”

Steel: [Rye] “Oh, look at little Ms. Ivy League here.”



“Don’t scream or shout,” Rye said in a gentle voice. “Neither one of us want to harm you.



SC276: That’s exactly what people trying to harm you would say.



We saved you. Do you have a name?”



Scarlet [Rye]: “People who might miss you? Money? Experience doing any one of the things written on the following list-”

[Foal]: “I despise everything about you, Mr. Mash.”

[Rye]: “I’ve been hearing that one lately, too.”



Squirming midair, the filly rubbed her head with her front hooves. Rye quickly pulled her hooves away from her bandages and stitches, using a little tweak of magic. The filly was a dirty disheveled grey colour with a pink mane.



SC276: It took you until she woke up to notice her color?

Scarlet: And if this is Pinkie Pie’s ancestor I would please like to get in line for the- ah, there it is. See you guys later, I’m just skipping the pain and leaping straight into the tenth circle of hell! *leaps away, dramatically*

Topher: *calls after Scarlet* Hey! If you see Satan, tell him he still owes me five bucks!



“Can you hear me?” Rye asked, now concerned.

“My name is Woe Betide,” the filly squeaked, still holding her head.



SC276: From Wiktionary: “From Early Modern English, loosely translating into modern-day English to mean Let woe rise up against, formerly used to decry a person's actions.” Basically, what we’ve been doing every time we riff.



Blinking, Rye had trouble believing that anypony could be named ‘Woe Betide’ and he studied the filly carefully.



Scarlet: *whistles back upwards into his seat at an astonishing rate* ...You spent all of last chapter hanging out with a guy named Starjammer!

Steel: [Rye] “Excellent figure... mmm, once you heal, you will be a fine mare indeed.” [Betide] “Such is my life that a grown stallion is examining me for future copulation.” [Rye] “You say it like it’s far off!” [Betide] “Oh dear...”



He reached out and gently patted her on the shoulder. “Who named you Woe Betide?” he inquired.

“I was stealing from a shopkeeper. He named me. He said ‘Woe Betide you, you little thief’ as I was running away,” the filly explained.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I curse nominative destiny with every fiber of my being.”



A wry smile crossed over Rye Mash’s face, and he looked over at Starjammer, who was also grinning broadly. “I see,” Rye Mash remarked. “What a fitting name.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “...I reserve the right to summon the Stranger Danger Patrol at any moment. And next time they will bring the perv-hammer.”



“I have to steal stuff if I want to eat,” Woe Betide confessed.



SC276: ~One jump ahead of the breadline / One swing ahead of the sword…~



“Everything hurts,” she whimpered.



Scarlet [Skeeter, from Offstage]: “JOIN THE CLUB!”

SC276: Buddy, we’ve got lifetime membership.

Topher: The new initiate hazing ceremony was surprisingly the least painful part.



“I know, I’m sorry… we saved you.



SC276: She’s gonna be sorry they saved her too pretty soon.



Starjammer here wants to take you on as his apprentice. We were going to get you away from this horrible place,” Rye Mash said, trying to fill the filly in on what they were doing.



Scarlet [Rye]: “And then afterwards, if you’re very good, we might-” [Woe]: “I am going to stop you right there and inform you that I will not hesitate to magically detonate myself.”

SC276: SSSSSSSSSSSS

Topher: *eyes glaze over* AAAAAAAAAAAGH! NO! NO! STAY AWAY!! *Snaps back to reality, hyperventilating* Never, EVER, do that again! I have spent too much time playing Minecraft to maintain sanity when I hear that!

SC276: Let’s call it even with all the times you shot me then.



“If you feed me I will do anything you ask,” Woe Betide offered. “You can even stick your pecker in my backside… just don’t tear me open too much or hurt me... you seem nice.”



Scarlet: *stunned silence*

SC276: Oh, not another one.



“WOAH slow down, now I ain’t about to do that,” Rye said as he backed away from Woe Betide and then raised a hoof. “Do you do that often?”



Scarlet: No.



“Well, no, I’ve never done it at all, but you’ve been so nice and I’m guessing you were the one who patched me up and you haven’t tried to cut off my horn or rape me,



Scarlet: Ahem. No.



so I thought I’d offer it up willingly before it was taken violently. I know what stallions want… and I am really hungry, and you don’t seem like the type who would hurt me too much, and it is bound to happen eventually-”



Scarlet: No, no, and no.

Steel: [Rye] “...” [Starjammer] “Something wrong?” [Rye] “No. No, just... re-evaluating my life and actions... everything I ever said, everything I ever did...” [Starjammer] “Any success?” [Rye] “Not really. Want a hug, Woe?”



“No, no, no… just no,” Rye stammered, closing his eyes.



Scarlet: I just said that! Even the psychopath is with me!



“Does this mean I have to go hungry?” Woe questioned, giving Rye a pleading look.



Scarlet: This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This fic. This god damn it it is not even worth the Tsukihime reference fuck Kudzu right in the face he has ruined everything ever and this is disgusting and why. I just made like twelve jokes about Rye fucking inanimate objects, and this is still the creepiest thing in the story!

RingmasterJ5: Yep, worst scene in the fic. I cannot believe Kudzu actually thought this whole exchange was a good idea in the slightest.

SC276: I suppose this is worse than the zebra filly in the last part because that was a reasonable expectation of her from being on a slave ship. This is an orphan on some mixed-races port; having the same expectations just says Rye taking over the world can only make it better. The perverted sociopath ruling everything is the better alternative.

Scarlet: I’m just going to ignore it and get back to what I was doing. Because god only knows the author will!

Fallen Prime: Friendly reminder that this story is rated Teen on FIMFic.



“Food,” Starjammer grunted.



Scarlet [Woe]: “...I believe I shall have to educate you gentlemen. Repeat after me: ‘nine year old children are not suitable sexual partners or food substitutes. I am neither a rapist nor a cannibal-’”

[Rye]: “...I am debatably one of the above.”

[Woe]: “Your existence vexes me.”



“Yes, we find a cafe or something before we head back to the ship and I will buy you some lunch and not bugger your backside in exchange,” Rye said, shaking his head in disgust.



Scarlet: [Woe]: “I see we have come to an understanding. And I am now more disturbed you had an act this specific in mind.”

[Rye]: “Well, I figure Starjammer had the other two covered-”

[Woe]: Why, cruel gods, was I born to this world?

SC276: Hopefully so we’re not the only ones suffering.



He gave Starjammer a pointed stare and felt relieved when he saw Starjammer’s muzzle crinkle in horror. At least he didn’t have to worry about the wizard doing anything untoward with the filly.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I notice you have been silent longer than your sex-starved companion. You may as well unload whatever disturbing nonsense is on your mind now so I can shoot you down as well.”

[Starjammer]: “Mostly regrets on my life decisions thus far.”

[Woe]: “Ah. A point we have in common.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “Hopefully the only point.”



“And if anypony else tries to bugger your backside, you let me know so I can kill them.”



Steel: [Rye] “I feel like the universe is starting to use this whole ‘karma’ thing against me...”

SC276: Will you stop being alliterative with your describing of rape acts? It’s way too playful.



“You’re awfully nice,” Woe Betide remarked. “See, I knew it was safe to offer up my fillyhood to you.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Particularly after I perfected both the ‘summon guards’ charm and the incantation of self-obliteration.”



Cringing, Rye shook his head. “Stop saying that!”



Scarlet [Rye]: “You torment me with what I cannot have!”

[Woe]: “That would, indeed, be the idea. I imagine you are not used to this suffering.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “I like this filly.” [Rye] “Oh, piss off!”



“Sorry,” Woe offered. “I think I can walk,” she announced.



SC276: She thinks she can, she thinks she can...



Lowering the filly to the ground, Starjammer relaxed his will and let the filly go from his magical grasp. He reached out, tried to wipe some grime from her, and only managed to smear the greasy smudge even more across her pelt.



Scarlet [Woe]: “All my life is endless vexation.”

Steel: [Rye] “Actually, forget the harem idea. Walk with me, I think we’ll be able to turn that vexation into something you can use...”



“You need a bath,” Rye announced as he watched Starjammer work.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Surrounding me with water will not inhibit magically-induced self-destruction in any way.”

Steel: [Rye] “I know, water doesn’t compress. I was going to wash you, not blow myself up.”

Scarlet [Woe]: “...How have you made it this far in life while unable to process threats- actually, on second thought, this makes a disturbing amount of sense.”

Steel: [Rye] “Trust me, I’ve heard enough threats to be able to avoid their consequences. Usually they involve making a worse threat in return.”



“Aw, mister, don’t be mean,” Woe Betide whined. “You started off so nice.”



SC276: Lady, if there’s no freakin’ orphanage in this town, you’re probably so dirty that all our Rye jokes are a drop in the bucket.



Rye took a careful sip from his teacup



SC276: So either they’re at the café now, or Rye carries a teacup with him everywhere. So either the author failing to communicate proper scene breaks, or British.



and watched Woe Betide gobble her food. She made no effort to use silverware, she had no table manners, and other ponies and zebras stared from their tables.



Steel: [Woe] “Callous wretches look down on me for filling my tummy. Pah!”

Scarlet [Starjammer]: “Hate to break it to you, but they’re watching what Rye’s doing with his…”

[Woe]: “Vexation.”

Steel: [Rye] “My pistol was hungry as well! You can’t expect me to leave her out!” [Woe] “It is inanimate, it does not hunger for anything! Especially not your shaft!” [Rye] “Is that what you say to all the boys?” [Woe] “I’ve many other things to say besides using the ‘I am inanimate’ defense. Most involve explosions.”



Right next to Rye’s saucer was a loaded pistol sitting on the table, a silent warning that Rye was not in the mood to be messed with.



Scarlet [Pistol]: “SEND HELP”

SC276: [Pistol] “U.S. TAXPAYER”



With his face hidden behind a book, Starjammer was also enjoying a cup of tea.



Scarlet: And somehow, a child kidnapper is the current audience avatar.



“This is pleasant,” Rye said,



SC276: Speak for yourself, kid.



realising that he wasn’t going to get much conversation from Starjammer and Woe Betide was too busy eating to say much.

The filly had finished off the vegetables and was now chowing down on the rice and sauce that had been beneath the veggies.



Steel: [Woe] “A satisfying change of pace in life, albeit bumpy, and filled with murderers, pedophiles and a throbbing headache.”

Scarlet [Rye]: “If it makes you feel any better, one of my shipmates is a literal robot.”

[Woe]: “...For the first time, I do not feel vexation.”

SC276: Wait, she’s eating a teriyaki bowl?! GIVE.



She slurped and lick-ed her plate, barely chewed her food, and her whole face was covered in bits of vegetable and rice.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Must increase caloric intake! There is work to be done! Things to be learned!”

Steel: [Rye] “Lands to be conquered?” [Woe] “...Maybe!” [Starjammer] “Is she eating the plate now?” [Woe] “Not the worst thing I’ve had to eat.”



Taking a bite of pie, Rye chewed thoughtfully as he watched Woe Betide.



Steel: [Woe] “Om grom grom grom, nom, nom, scrnch, nom...” [Rye] “...” [Woe] *Gulp* “Ahhh! Much better.”



He swallowed, turned to meet the gaze of a unicorn mare clearing her throat repeatedly, narrowed his eyes at her, waited for her to fall silent, and then he went back to watching Woe Betide.



Scarlet [Unicorn Mare]: “...But dear, he was putting his thing into that pis-” [Nearby Stallion]: “I really don’t want to acknowledge what we have seen.”



He lifted his teacup and took a sip, washing down the remaining bits of pie lurking in his mouth.



SC276: Wait, pie was present and we were not informed?! FOR SHAME, AUTHOR.

SC276: ...Well I’m already covered in it, so might as well. *licks at pie* I taste delicious!



The pie was strange. It was filled with some kind of orange potato and it was sweet. Rye found he rather liked it. He sighed contentedly.



Scarlet: I hereby pause the riff to call bullshit on a stallion named for a product of agriculture not knowing what a sweet potato is because you can grow those fuckers pretty much anywhere.

Steel: Named for an alcoholic product, but granted point all the same.

RingmasterJ5: Actually he was named solely for an extremely stupid pun with an old book, but again, point granted anyway.

SC276: When a body meets a body comin thro the rye, that means there’s a threesome.



“Fancy meeting you here.”

Turning, Rye saw Spyglass.



Steel: And proceeded to spray his tea all over the captain in shock. [Spyglass] “...You didn’t have to spit-take all over me.”

Scarlet [Woe]: “Oh dear. They’ve begun to multiply.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Oh look, another smart-arse.”



He lifted his teacup in salute and with a gesture of his hoof, invited his captain to sit down.



Steel: [Spyglass] “I’m fine right here... outside spit-take range.”



Bringing the teacup to his lips, he took a sip. Rye watched Spyglass’ eyes drop down to the pistol sitting on the table and then dart back up, and Rye could feel the pegasus’ eyes peering into his own.



Scarlet [Spyglass]: “You didn’t…”

[Rye]: “I might have...”

[Spyglass]: “How many times?”

[Rye]: “I lost track around ‘several.’”

[Spyglass]: “Rye, for Christ’s sake, only fuck the barrel after it’s empty if you have to do it at all! That thing was still loaded!”

[Woe]: “...The knowledge that karmic justice was avoided saddens me.”

Steel: [Rye] “You’re my karmic punishment. My darling gun feels for me, clearly.”



At this moment, Woe Betide belched, slapping herself on her barrel.



Steel: [Starjammer] “Nice.” [Woe] “The glass tends to make me gassy.”

Topher: [Spyglass] “Why is she assaulting the cargo? The barrel did nothing to you!”



Raising an eyebrow, Spyglass looked at Woe Betide. “I see you’ve found a beautiful little damsel. Might I inquire what you are doing with her young Mister Mash?”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Nothing untoward. If he knows what is good for him.” *reaches out and swipes Rye’s tea, sipping it*



“Nothing untoward,” replied Rye, nearly dropping his teacup.



Scarlet [Woe]: “See? He agrees.”

Steel: [Starjammer] *Flips to the next page of his book.* “Pussy-whipped by a nine-year-old... my, how the mighty have fallen.”

[Rye] “It’s not whipped until she whips me.”

[Spyglass] “...I’m going to avoid any and all facts presented by that statement.”



“I offered to let him diddle my bottom and he told me no,” Woe Betide chirped.



Scarlet [Woe]: “...You can imitate my voice disturbingly well, Mr. Mash.”

Steel: [Rye] “It’s a practiced skill.” [Spyglass] “It is also exceptionally disturbing.” [Rye] “Exactly! It was the only way I could make that bastard noble’s son cry the most.”



“I suspect there is a story here,” Spyglass stated, looking around the table.



Steel: [Spyglass] “One that I will hereby avoid hearing, so I’ll see you all back at the ship.”

SC276: She started off as an orphan, a child on the streets, ~here on Skid Row…~

Topher: ~A shady griffon attacked her, she bled, Crushed her head with a wall, ‘till he got the axe from Rye’s two musket balls, to the faaaaaace!~



“Yeah but at no point in the story is there any part about rutting little fillies,” Rye Mash blurted out, setting his teacup down before he dropped it.



Steel: [Rye] “Despite the want to.” [Woe] “Ahem.” [Rye] “The very-well-controlled want to.” [Woe] “...” [Spyglass] “Trust me, that’s as good as you’re going to get out of him.”

Scarlet [Woe]: “If this robot turns out to be a lie, I may consider just moving plan ‘self-destruct’ ahead.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Please try to keep Rye within blast range.” [Rye] “...”

SC276: He remembers they’re in a public place, right?

Topher: But since when did Rye worry about doing it in public?



“Mister Mash, please, relax. I trust you completely after our meeting with our mutual friends who shall remain nameless.



SC276: [Spyglass] “I still have no idea why they refuse to come up with pseudonyms.”



Bloody Velvet tells me you are quite harmless,” Captain Spyglass said soothingly.



Scarlet [Bloody Velvet, flashback]: “UNIT-WOE APPEARS TO BE CURRENTLY GREATEST THREAT LEVEL.”

[Spyglass, flashback]: “To whom?”

Steel: [Bloody Velvet, flashback] “THREAT LEVEL AIMED AT SEXUALLY-MINDED BEINGS.”

[Spyglass, flashback] “Ah. Thank you, Velvet.”

[Spyglass, present] “Aaaabsolutely harmless.”

[Rye] “Oh, good.”



“I met Starjammer here when I was prowling the city. He is willing to come on board as crew. He’s a wizard, a powerful one.



SC276: He’s made a little girl float. That’s literally it.



He doesn’t say much so don’t bother asking him anything.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Especially about our dalliances-”

[Starjammer]: *makes noises of extreme regret and turns page*

Steel: [Spyglass] “...Yet another untold story that I will promptly avoid...”



We were looking around the city, I bought a new gun, has something called a ‘scope’ on it and it uses a different type of bullet, it is quite accurate…



SC276: I mean, he hasn’t missed any target he’s aimed at yet, so it’s not like he needs it.

Topher: Five bucks says that this actually leaves perfectly clean holes rather than popping heads.



anyhow, we found Woe Betide being attacked by a griffon who was going to kill her and chop her up for her magical bits.



Scarlet [Woe]: “And yet somehow, he may have been the kindest individual I’ve encountered thus far.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “...How exactly has Plan ‘Self-Destruct’ not been enacted?” [Woe] “The wanted victims were never in the same place together.”



We took her to our mutual friends who patched her up and now I owe them a favour. Starjammer wants to keep her as his apprentice,” Rye Mash summarised.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “I’d like to strike that one and reverse it.”

[Woe]: “Thank god, some sense.”

Steel: [Rye] “Now who’s pussy whipped?” [Woe] “Get me some more tea.” [Rye] “Yes, madam.”



“Hmm, I don’t know about having a filly on board,” Spyglass said in a low voice. “I suppose that she can stay with Bloody Velvet in her cabin.



Scarlet [Spyglass]: “...Why are you making that high-pitched noise of glee?”

[Woe]: “-same room as working robot yay yay ya- *ahem*.”

Steel: [Rye] “...Could I be put in Velvet’s room as well?”

[Spyglass] “...”

[Rye] “Please?”

[Spyglass] “...”

[Rye] “The glare isn’t much of an answer.”

[Spyglass] “......”

[Starjammer] “I smell smoke.”



I am willing to take on Starjammer… you like him and that’s enough for me.”



SC276: [Spyglass] “I totally trust the judgment of the colt who didn’t even know he was on the wrong side about a week ago.”



“Thank you, sir,” Rye Mash said, lifting his teacup and finishing it off in one single gulp. He looked around the table at the different ponies.



Scarlet: Who had completely replaced the cast in the last five minutes. Kudzu, your prose. Why even.

Steel: To be honest, we really did replace the entire cast.

Scarlet: ...Point.



“Woe Betide?” Spyglass inquired, looking at the filly.

“Yeah?” Woe Betide replied, looking up at the pegasus.

“What a curious name… you are cute as a button. I do believe that Bloody Velvet is going to like you,” Spyglass stated. “Can you do magic?”



Scarlet [Woe]: “I prefer to think of it as applied thaumaturgical sciences.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “...I should introduce you to Periscope later.”



“I can pick locks,” Woe Betide replied in a conspiratorial whisper.

“Fascinating,” Spyglass responded, now looking interested. He leaned close to the filly, his eyes narrowing as he did so, and his ears perked forward. “I bet you are a little sneak thief.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Plan one heist for one Griffon mafia, and the next thing you know everypony is calling you a sneak thief! Typical…”

Steel: [Spyglass] “You sound like you don’t appreciate it.”

[Woe] “Not that it’s unappealing, but I’d rather be known for knowledge, not breaking and entering.”

[Spyglass] “Indeed.”



Shrugging, Woe Betide looked down at her food. “I’ve lived this long,” she muttered just before jamming her muzzle back down into the remains of her rice.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “Didn’t you literally finish off your plate-”

[Woe]: “Stole Rye’s while he was doing disgusting things to that firearm of his.”

Steel: [Rye] “...Shit, how’d I miss that?”



“How would you like to be paid hard coin to be a little sneak thief?” Spyglass inquired.



RingmasterJ5: They aren’t going to keep calling it that, are they? *looks ahead* ...Of course they are.

Scarlet: Charming.

SC276: That sounds like one of the more annoying parts of Redwall than anything.



The unicorn filly froze mid bite. Her ears twitched and then she slowly lifted her head.



SC276: [Spyglass] “...OK, get the dollar signs out of your eye before you answer. You’re freaking me out. WAIT YOU ONLY GOT ONE EYE WHY DID I NOT NOTICE THAT BEFORE”



She turned her head and faced the pegasus, her surviving eye narrowing. “I’m not that good just yet.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “My skills would have to degenerate, for one thing.”



“But you will get better. And I will pay you to get better. I will even procure locks for you to practice upon so you can refine your technique if that is what it will take,” Spyglass offered in a smooth cajoling voice.



Scarlet [Woe]: “For the love of the Twin Princesses, please tell me all of that was code for hiring me on as a consultant.”

[Spyglass]: “...Actually, that does sound better.”

Steel: [Woe] “My thoughts exactly, Captain.”



“Good work if you can get it,” Starjammer said in an excessively verbose burst.

Woe Betide looked over at Starjammer, who had set his book down. “You want me as your apprentice, even though you don’t know if I can do magic or not,” she said to Starjammer.



Scarlet [Woe]: “The answer is ‘yes’, incidentally. Though I much prefer mechanical applications of my talents.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Mechanical? Oh my wor— why are we still here? Periscope needs to meet her!”



She turned back to Spyglass and peered at him. “And you want me as a sneak thief. I can get food, money, and not have to have my backside buggered… am I dreaming? My head hurts, I must have hit it pretty hard.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “What I mean to say is I’m not entirely certain this isn’t purgatory for one or all of us. Exhibit A- Rye is still making out with his shotgun.”

[Rye]: “Oh, Anne-Marie…”

Steel: [Spyglass] “This depends on if you already heard an explosion.”

[Woe] “Purgatory for none of us then. And so my name proves to be perfect once again...”



“If any of my crew touch your backside, I will have them thrown overboard. Or let Rye kill them, should he be agreeable about doing so. I’m sure for a few extra coins, he most certainly would,” Spyglass said with a faint chuckle in his voice.



Steel: [Rye] “Wait, you’d PAY ME to kill them? Why haven’t you told me this!?”

[Spyglass] “You were having enough fun as it was. At least with this point, I’d be paying you as a, er... ‘conduct control specialist’, yes.”

[Woe] “I suspect that is code for ‘stallion who kills those who step out of line’.”

[Spyglass] “Close enough, but I prefer mine. Rolls off the tongue.”

[Woe] “Acceptable.”



The filly looked very confused and her gaze fell down upon her plate once again. She took a bite of rice, chewed thoughtfully, and then with an amazingly swift motion, she snatched Rye Mash’s half eaten slice of pie, gobbling it down before Rye could even protest.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Are you going to finish that no of course not thank you very much, Mr. Mash, so kind of you-: *snarfling, chewing noises*

[Spyglass]: “...I may need to increase our supply budget.”

Steel: [Woe] “I will help with this, in return for more of this pie oh my word this is so good—” *more snarfing noises*

SC276: We already made that joke, story.



“You stole my pie,” Rye Mash protested.



SC276: Thank you, cabin colt Obvious.



“Thief,” Woe Betide said after swallowing a few times.



Scarlet [Rye]: “But the pie and I had plans after I was done with Anne-Marie!”

Steel: [Woe] “...Excuse me while I go eject my bowels.”



“Eh, you were hungry. I’m not mad,” Rye muttered.



Steel: [Rye] *Is in fact furious.*

SC276: I ain’t even mad.



“We should be getting back to the ship. I want to be going soon. Time is money. And little Woe Betide could use a bath,” Spyglass announced.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I trust you will provide security?”

[Spyglass]: “I’ll get Periscope to rig you up some blast walls.”

[Woe]: “You are beautiful.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “I am, yes.”

SC276: Bishonen!Spyglass, oh my freakin’ god.



“Aw shite,” Woe Betide swore, sulking in her seat.



SC276: I honestly don’t understand how people don’t like baths. Like, even if this is supposed to be like the sort of century people thought baths were bad for you, you’d think with how bad “slave stench” can get...



She resumed eating her rice while simultaneously pouting.



Steel: [Woe] “Does anyone have more pie? I just ate all of mine.”

Scarlet: [Spyglass]: “...You ate every patron’s.”





“Oh, that reminds me, Starjammer is from House Avarice.



Steel: [Starjammer] “...Wow. Just, yeah, just throw that out there, you know...”



I think he could be useful to us. He is a wanted criminal though… wanted for, uh, let’s see, patricide, matricide, and fratricide… in that order. He hates slavery,” Rye Mash mentioned, sounding slightly nervous.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Please let’s keep him? He’s the only living thing today I’ve encountered who actually still wants to let me fool around!”

[Spyglass]: *stares at Starjammer*

[Starjammer]: “...I have made mistakes.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “We all have, my fugitive friend. We all have.”

SC276: The nervousness is because he literally has no idea what those words mean.



“Then we definitely need to leave the city at once,” Spyglass announced. “He’s the one they’ve been looking for and trying to poke around on the moored ships trying to find.”



SC276: I forgot, was this plot point mentioned in the last part. I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t.



“I did bad things,” Starjammer admitted, not elaborating.



Scarlet: [Starjammer]: “I’m going to have to live the rest of my life knowing exactly what Rye Mash’s seed tastes like.”

[Woe]: “Can we please lift off an hour ago.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “And this is where I leave the conversation. You can come on board, just do one thing for me.”

[Starjammer] “What’s that?”

[Spyglass] “Refrain from sharing any stories with me. Ever. Especially if they involve Rye.”

[Starjammer] “Yes sir.”



“You must have,” Spyglass said. “There are actually Solar Guard in the city. We need to leave at once, and slip out before they come for another look.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “I also might have set off several covert alarm spells before you all told me there was a robot involved in this.”

[Spyglass]: “...Sneaky as hell. You’re a natural pirate. Rye actually did something right.”



---



The narrow corridor was empty save for Starjammer who stood beside Rye Mash.



SC276: SUDDENLY, NEW SCENE.



The pair of unicorns stood in front of Rye Mash’s door, and Rye Mash looked down the narrow hall to the next door over.



Steel: [Rye] “So, bunkmate—” [Starjammer] “Just get inside, get on the bed, and bite into a pillow.”



“You have a tiny little cabin next to mine. We can be neighbors,” Rye Mash announced.



RJ: [Rye] Hopefully you can ignore most of the noise.

[Starjammer] Oh, I will.

[Rye] No, there's one that requires medical attention. It's the scream of the gun unloading into me. Not the scream of me unloading into the gun though.

[Starjammer] ... I'm going to ignore all the noise then.

[Rye] *sigh* Just like the rest of the crew.



“Look, I am actually rather tired after everything that happened. I’m going to go to sleep. I’m really happy I met you Starjammer.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “And so is Little Mash! See? He’s very happy!”

[Starjammer]: “Why have I done these things.”



Starjammer took a step closer to Rye Mash and looked his fellow unicorn in the eye. “Today was nice. I like adventure. And I like you,” Starjammer whispered.



Scarlet: Wait a minute. No way.



With a suddenness that Rye Mash did not expect, he felt two lips pressing into his own. He resisted for a moment, trying to pull away, but then found he didn’t want to pull away.



Scarlet: ...Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official. The fic just circled back to encompass our parody.

SC276: I SAID STOP READING OUR MINDS!!

Topher: SECURE YOUR UNDERGARMENTS EVERYONE, SHIT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!



Starjammer smelled spicy and different, and the other stallion's scent lingered cloyingly in Rye Mash’s nostrils as the kiss continued. He felt a foreleg snake around his neck and squeeze him.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “Maybe if I strangle you, I can-”

[Rye]: “Oooh, erotic asphyxiation!”



Searing heat crawled along his neck, up the back of his head, and his ears felt as though they would combust at any moment. He felt his lips open, and for a moment, a strange tongue licked him, probing around between his upper lip and his teeth, causing Rye Mash to shudder.



RJ: [Starjammer] Good, no cavities!

Topher: Do you want scurvy? Because frenching a pirate is how you get scurvy.



And then, the kiss was over and he found himself staring breathlessly at Starjammer.



Steel: ...I WAS FUCKING JOKING ABOUT THIS. I WAS FUCKING JOKING!

SC276: Welcome to my world.

Scarlet: *eats popcorn* I’m sorry, this just turned into a shitty version of like three porn fics I’ve helped edit. Well, two and a half.



“You kissed me,” Rye whispered.

Nodding, Starjammer agreed silently.

“But I like mares,” Rye retorted.



Fallen Prime: People like both. Literally all your female leads in the main story are or become (ugh, that’s not how it works) bisexual.

Scarlet: *holds up awkward REALLY NOT HOW IT WORKS sign*

Steel: [Rye] “Well, and stallions, but...”

[Starjammer] “Are you seriously just now being surprised by this?”

[Rye] “...Good point.”



Shrugging, Starjammer disagreed just a little bit, silently.

“You… you… is this why you fled Canterlot?” Rye inquired.



SC276: Oh my god I already deal with this shit in reality enough, do I need to keep hearing it in fiction.



Sighing, Starjammer looked thoughtful. He licked his lips nervously. “They… well… my parents, they were going to have my mind fixed so I wouldn’t like stallions and mares, but just mares.



Scarlet: Wow, I actually didn’t think this fic’s universe could be any more unpleasant. Also, why is this an issue? L- no. Lecture later, riff now. Lecture later, riff now. Lecture l- FUCK YOU, HAIKU.

SC276: Collection of words

“Mature” without any grace

I hate all of you

Fallen Prime: “Mature” nothing. This fic’s rated Teen.



There was an arranged wedding. Things were already strained between my parents, my siblings, and myself. I found out about the family business.



Scarlet: Which I presume was dealing in Chick Tracts, given the ridiculous adherence to earth sexual politics which have no reason to exist in Equestria.



When my father tried to have me collected by the doctors so I could be fixed, I killed them all. You have been the most wonderful companion…



Fallen Prime: Oh, good, the fic’s reminding me in one word that better series exist. Come along, Pond.

SC276: I vote that if we ever find a blue police call box during one of these, we all get in.

Topher: 2015. Not Clara Oswald. Plebian.



you… I found you very attractive and I am grateful to be alive and in the company of a most handsome rogue such as yourself.”



Steel: And then Starjammer put on a ski mask and went off to steal Spyglass’ intelligence. That would be the last time Rye saw him.

SC276: Wait, how old is Rye again?

RingmasterJ5: I believe in human years he’d be in his late teens.

Topher: Suddenly his sexual activity doesn’t seem as odd.



Stunned, Rye Mash couldn’t believe all of the words he had just heard spilling out of his companion.



SC276: You haven’t even known him for six hours.



And the words themselves disturbed him. He squirmed and looked Starjammer in the eye. “How did you know?”



Steel: [Starjammer] “I won’t answer that question.”

[Rye] “Good, I honestly feel silly for asking it...”



“About you?” Starjammer questioned in reply.

“Yes, I mean, that I wouldn’t kill you or something,” Rye murmured in a low voice.

“I didn’t know. I just hoped. But now, I do know,” Starjammer answered with a wink. He turned tail and headed off for his cabin, slapping Rye Mash across the cheek with his tail.



Scarlet [Rye]: “OH GOD THE PAIN- enhances the pleasure I’m feeling currently. Huh. You’re a natural!”

[Starjammer]: “...I wish I knew how to quit you.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “Damn you for being addicting... and honestly kind of tasty...”

[Rye] “Does this mean pillow talk is available?”

[Starjammer] “I’ll think about it.”



“I feel very confused,” Rye Mash muttered as he watched Starjammer disappear.



Steel: [Rye] “Does that make Starjammer my queen for when I become emperor of the world...? But... he’s a stallion...”

Scarlet [Velvet, offstage]: “UNIT-STARJAMMER COULD VERY WELL STILL DRESS THE PART, UNIT-RYE.”

Steel: [Rye] “Very true, my beautiful angel! Ahhh, now I have TWO queens! It’s good to be me!”



Author's Note:

Tell me if you spot a typo. Thanks!



Steel: Sorry, I’m still kinda stunned by a filly offering anal to a grown stallion.

Scarlet: The Catch- a fanfic where even intentionally-creepy riffs are no substitute for the real terror!

Steel: Still three more chapters! March on with us, readers, and let’s all laugh to the asylum together!

Fallen Prime: Psst. There’s four.

Steel: Oh. Four! Four more chapters! More laughing then! Rye, prepare the laughing gas!

SC276: I couldn’t find the usual supply, so I had to get the Joker-strength brand.

Topher: I’ll pass, I don’t need any gas to go crazy, I do that on my own!



Chapter 11

The night was purple and the clouds were silver.



SC276: What is this, a Kirby game?

Steel: [Oracle] “NOOOOO, the sky is silver and the clouds are silver-silver-white! GET IT RIGHT, NARRATOR!”



The Whalefish drifted through clouds and fog, moving through the endless sea of sky. Tradewinds was behind them and Rye Mash had no idea what was ahead of them. Their end destination was Trottingham but Rye knew that anything could happen between here and there.



Scarlet: For instance, we could have something of importance occur. Has anyone else noticed that aside from our riffs, all that actually happened last chapter was adding two new characters to the ship’s crew midway through the story for no real reason?

Steel: Not just that, but through the story, we’ve only actually met the Fates, Spyglass, Rye, Starjammer, Velvet, and Woe. I think all the others have gone pretty much unnamed.

SC276: Also Crab and Skeeter, but yeah, point made.



Rye Mash came to the conclusion that he knew very little.



Scarlet [Bloody Velvet]: “UNIT-RYE CORRECTLY ASSESSES THE SITUATION. THIS APPEARS TO BE UNPRECEDENTED.”

Steel: [Rye] “I know little of the world, but I know everything about Velvet’s body... and this is all I need.”



He didn’t know how to act but he had been managing so far. Rye had been valued as a servant for his quick wit and his ability to adapt to almost any situation.



SC276: You’ve only been in one fight.



His knack for rapid adjustment was still serving him well. The present situation was bearable; all Rye needed to do was just be himself.



Steel: [Velvet] “NEGATIVE. UNIT-RYE BEING HIMSELF MAKES MATTERS WORSE.”

Scarlet [Woe]: “Oh thank the seasons, your processors are still functioning on some level.”



Only Rye Mash wasn’t sure he knew who he was anymore.



Steel: [Rye] “I need no identity... no face... no name... simply my title. Emperor. ...Oh my God, I’m so fucking bored, I’m MONOLOGUING.”



The future was uncertain now in so many ways.



SC276: Mostly with how to actually get to the “emperor of the world” part.



The confusing kiss with Starjammer was proof of that.



Steel: [Rye] “Good Celestia, he tasted great...”



It lingered on his mind as he stood on the rear deck staring off into the grey expanse of clouds.



Scarlet: You know when I realized I was bi, I did navel-gazing too. I was also not at the time a pirate. I’m just saying, story. So many priorities. You pick the wrong ones.



“Well, you certainly have made my life interesting.”

The sound of Bloody Velvet’s voice startled Rye and he felt his whole body tense. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. At least Bloody Velvet was smiling.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “Good news, Unit-Rye. Unit-Velvet is now functioning at increased capacity after maintenance. Volume control re-established.”

Steel: [Rye] “...And you sound and look more beautiful than ever, my angel...”

Scarlet [Velvet]: “This unit would feel more flattered if she were not currently revealing negative IQ points on her diagnostic scan of Unit-Rye.”

Steel: [Rye] “Did Woe adjust anything else during her maintenance? Making my IQ negative sounds like something she’d do.”

Scarlet [Woe]: “Affirmative- I simply fixed her faulty software. Enjoy the upgrade!” *bounces off happily*

Steel: [Rye] “...Well, I still have the angel of my dreams to walk this path with me.”



“I got her bathed and the dirty little foul mouthed filly is finally asleep. She’s smart… I like her… and I can’t believe that Spyglass allowed her on the ship.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “She did modify you, didn’t she? She’s trying to steal you from me! Come back, Velvet!”

[Velvet]: “Unit-Rye, are you jealous of a nine year old?”

[Rye]: “...Maybe.”

Steel: [Rye] “I tend to feel jealous about things I don’t understand.”

[Velvet] “Would Unit-Rye feel better knowing Unit-Velvet still believes Unit-Rye fits best in her vaginal unit?”

[Rye] “Ohhh, I love you...”



The clouds opened up just long enough for a few stars to wink through and then they were gone once more.



SC276: Why are they flying below the cloudline again? The moment lightning flares up, they’re goners. Not that I wouldn’t root for it, but still.



Rye sighed, not sure if he liked being stuck in the clouds. He turned to look at Velvet and saw her trembling.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Damn it, I thought I’d fixed that!”

Steel: [Velvet] “Loose bolt in oscillating motor three detected.”

[Woe] “Oh, bollocks, I used a weak bolt for that...”



“Our dirty little grey filly is actually white.



Topher: She actually started out as blue, but it turns out bleach isn’t the best thing to wash children with.”



Oh don’t look so surprised… anyhow, Starjammer better share. I wouldn’t mind having an apprentice either,” Velvet said.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “This unit’s scanners also have been improved to the point of being able to detect that Unit-Spyglass is currently facehoofing as he reads reports of your accidental weapons discharges.”

[Rye]: “Oh, my love, you know that with me, nothing is an accident.”



At the mention of Starjammer’s name, Rye felt his cheeks warm. It was time to change the subject. “How is Skeeter? I checked on him earlier but he was still asleep.”

“Still asleep,” Velvet replied.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “Plan ‘kill vampire by tossing overboard to screaming demise’ was interrupted during routine maintenance.”

Steel: [Rye] “We’ll get him next time, my love.”



Rye wasn’t sure what he expected, but he felt disappointed.



Steel: [Rye] “Thank you, Narrator Obvious.”



“So you’ve seen Tradewinds and from what I understand, you had a bit of an adventure,” Velvet said as she sat down upon the deck.



SC276: Well let’s see… Got a friend to the doctors who happen to be Greek gods because of course they are, got a boyfriend, and got an offer from a filly. Yeah, I suppose that technically counts as an “adventure.”



She looked over at Rye Mash and watched his straw coloured mane blowing in the gusting wind. The deck lights flickered and threw shadows over Rye’s grey-brown pelt.



SC276: Only now we’re getting a color for the main character?! I’ve just been visualizing Pipsqueek in his pirate costume!

Scarlet: Which is kind of terrifying given Rye’s character in our riffs.

Topher: Wait, you imagined Pip too?



“You know, I can see why Starjammer finds you handsome.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “Unit-Rye’s charm comes from his utter lack of shame. He is not unlike a large, unintelligent animal such as a labrador.”

Steel: [Rye] “So I’m cute, cuddly, and able to fuck you into a squealing orgasm. Also, I am more intelligent than a dog.”

[Velvet] “That does not stop Unit-Rye from being my bitch.”

[Rye] “Being male does, and no, I’m not wanting to change that.”



Cringing, Rye turned away from Velvet. “He told you…”

Velvet chuckled. “He didn’t tell me. I just know. Remember, there is no keeping secrets from me. Don’t worry, I have no plans to tease you. He also finds me attractive… and truth be told, there is something about him that I like.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “Unit-Rye, may I request-”

[Rye]: “Already setting up a threesome.”

[Velvet]: “This unit’s restored excitement circuits are currently being put to good use!”



For a moment, Rye wanted to throw himself over the deck rail.



SC276: This is terrible of me, but DO IT.

Topher: Do a flip!



“I’m betting that the kiss was confusing,” Velvet said.



Steel: [Rye] “How so?”

[Velvet] “Unit-Rye anticipated Unit-Starjammer tasting more sweet than spicy.”

[Rye] “You’re too good at this.”



Rye could not help but notice that Velvet was speaking to him as though she was his mother. It made his cheeks burn even hotter.



Steel: [Rye] “Damn incest fetish...”



He wanted to be anywhere but here.



SC276: Join the club.

Topher: No, really. we’d rather be ANYWHERE else. I hear the surface of the sun is lovely this time of year!



“Look, Rye, you feel confused and a bit disgusted because of Lace Collar and his propositions. Starjammer is a much better pony—”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “Comparatively, Unit-Lace Collar barely merited a rating of 5.2. Unit-Starjammer is a solid 8.5.”

Steel: [Rye] “And me?”

[Velvet]: “8.5.”

[Rye] “Not just saying that?”

[Velvet] “Numbers do not lie, Unit-Rye.”

Fallen Prime: When the hell are you publishing your parody?

Steel: When it’s ready.



Unable to hold back, Rye Mash blurted out, “This isn’t fair, you being in my head like this!”



SC276: Get out of my head, woman!



Bloody Velvet, all too aware of what Rye was feeling, felt a pang of guilt for intruding into his private feelings. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should go.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “Would Unit-Rye appreciate a demonstration of this unit’s new rocket-booster function?”

[Rye]: “Allow me ample time to cover my sensitive zones and sure.”



As Bloody Velvet took to her hooves, Rye let out an anxious gasp. “No, you don’t have to go… all of is very confusing for me. Which is why I was out here. I can’t sleep.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “On second thought allowing you to blast off is a bad plan.” *sees Woe frantically waving a sign reading ‘they’re untested, you blithering idiot’ in the background*



He watched as Bloody Velvet sat back down and he was certain that he could feel her piercing stare boring into his soul. “Yes, Lace Collar said things to me. Yes, it made me feel dirty and ashamed. No, I did not find him attractive. But…”

“But you do find Starjammer a little attractive?” Velvet finished.



Steel: [Rye] “Oh Princesses, yes. Both of you get me harder than hearing Lace’s son cry.”



“I don’t know… maybe?” Rye hoped that he was being honest with his answer.

Velvet nodded.

“Well, this is awkward.”



SC276: You haven’t seen the rest of the fic, have you.



Once more, Velvet nodded. “This has been a hard day for you. You got a very confusing kiss…” Velvet paused and had to wait for a bad spasm to pass before she could continue. “And you had a filly invite you to diddle her backside.”



RingmasterJ5: STOP. MENTIONING. THAT.

Fallen Prime: This fic’s fucking rated Teen.

Steel: That’s because ‘diddle her backside’ is more family friendly than ‘brutally sodomize’.

SC276: I still refuse to see that phrase as anything but tickling the region that would correspond to the lower back of a human.



Rye began to stammer, unable to form words, stuttering and spluttering, he failed to make any coherent response.

“Woe Betide tells me that you were the very model of a gentlepony and that you even shared your pie with her. It makes me sad that I know that there are many stallions that would actually do that to a foal.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “...Yes… shared.”

Steel: [Rye] *Glances over to Woe in the background, narrowing his eyes at her.* “And nothing else.”



Still unable to speak, Rye Mash pressed his lips together into a straight line.



SC276: -_-

Scarlet [Velvet]: “Unit-Rye appears to be in a disadvantaged position regarding a nine-year-old.”

Steel: [Rye] “...For now, my love... for now.”



“You have my trust Rye Mash… you have proven yourself to be a good pony. I am sorry for prying into your personal thoughts. It has been a long time since I’ve met a pony that I would rather have as a friend than an amiable acquaintance or accomplice.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “This unit was not originally programmed to be compatible with ponykind. You are curiously an exception.”

Steel: [Woe] “Possibly because he can’t at all be a pony...”



“I just hope that I don’t let you down…”



SC276: Don’t worry, kid, you’ve already done that.



The Whalefish headed north and the crew remained wary. North was the Hinterlands and beyond that, Griffonholm.



Fallen Prime: Oh, canon hindsight is the best.



Dangerous territory for any ship to travel through, the risk was much higher for a ship crewed by equines.

The crew was watchful and a patrol of pegasi flew alongside the ship.



Scarlet: Because they’ll see things much better from directly beside the ship than they might be able to from the bow.

Steel: Also, they aren’t at all affiliated with the pirates. Aren’t they afraid of getting shot or captured? They have no idea if this ship was crewed by gryphons or not.

Topher: And let’s not forget that the pirate's relations with Griffons have been… strained, ever since they took down a griffon slave ship, and Rye shot the captain in the balls.



On the rear deck, the very place where Rye had learned to shoot,



SC276: That’s an important detail right there.



Woe Betide was getting her first lessons from Velvet and Starjammer.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I’d have invited Rye to join since he’s apparently freakishly good at this, but I’d rather learn from ponies who are not making love to their weapons every five seconds.”



Rye was paying attention as well, knowing that there was a lot he could be and should be learning. As he listened, he broke down his new gun over and over, getting to know it well,



Steel: [Rye] “Until now, I only undressed you with my eyes, my love... but now, I will know you from hilt to barrel...”



gaining a feel for every inch of it. It was long, it was heavy,



Fallen Prime: That’s it, work the shaft.

Steel: [Rye] “Like a well-refined mare, laid upon the bed... so much to explore, to discover...”



and Rye worried that the scope might be a bit too fragile.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Worry not, my dear… I shall take the greatest of care…”

Steel: [Rye] “A mare’s glasses should not be damaged, after all...”



“Where are we going?” Woe Betide asked.

Velvet sighed. “Trottingham.”

“Why?”

“Business.”

“I don’t have business in Trottingham.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “The plans you passed me indicated we’d be hitting Canterlot first! Now I’ll have to reorganize the entire strategy.”

Steel: [Velvet] “Unit-Woe will learn that Unit-Rye tends to make plans according to scattered ideas, hence errors in chronology.”



When Rye chortled, Velvet shot him a dirty look.

“My horn hurts. I’d rather just watch the clouds as we go by,” Woe Betide said.

“Come on now, this is rather simple. Just a bit of the basics. You have talent. You have skill. Wouldn’t it be nice to develop that?” Velvet asked.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Well, my actual plan was to rain lightning from those things onto our enemies by developing some form of weather-aggravation projectile… but I suppose shooting things has its charms.”

Steel: [Woe] “And yes, I realize Rye is doing dirty things to his firearm behind me. I refuse to degrade myself with looking.”

SC276: ~Wouldn't it be nice if we were older / Then we wouldn't have to wait so long...~



“I dunno… how come there is no clouds of black smoke coming out of the boat?”



SC276: Are. There are no clouds. It’s freakin’ plural, author, read it out loud.



Rye heard another exasperated sigh from Velvet.

“The boilers were upgraded to arcano-tech. Clouds of black smoke have a way of revealing your position,” Velvet said as she tried to give the curious and annoying filly a reason.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Are you insane? That’ll throw our carbon footprint through the roof! We could have cast a simple illusion spell to turn our smoke white and disguise ourselves as an ordinary cloud! What kind of pirates are you?”



“Now pay attention. You can pop locks which shows you have a fine degree of magical manipulation. That shows promise.”

“Can I learn to use a pistol?” Woe Betide asked.



Scarlet [Woe]: “You may not have noticed, but Rye attempted to replace my practice-weapon with this… rubber… thing.”

[Velvet]: “This unit was trying hard not to notice.”

Steel: [Starjammer] “Wait a minute, he used that with m—”

[Woe] “Don’t finish that sentence, please. For both our sakes.”



Starjammer’s eyes narrowed and the unicorn stallion immediately turned to look at Rye. As he was doing this, Bloody Velvet also turned to look at Rye. At the same time, both smiled matching devious grins.



Steel: [Rye] “Mmmm, that’s it...”

[Woe] “I’m just going to go watch the clouds while you lovebirds ogle him.”



Rye thought it was a little bit creepy.



Steel: [Rye] “Are you mad, voice? I love it when they watch...”



He began to understand that Bloody Velvet and Starjammer were two very different unicorns than he was. What he was seeing was manipulative and devious.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Please don’t tell Rye about how to accomplish those things. I’m not prepared for that level of anarchy.”



Rye prefered the direct approach. For one very brief moment, he wondered if they were devious because they were nobles or just because they were clever.



Fallen Prime: Or perhaps all three conclusions are false.



Still smiling a devious smile, Bloody Velvet leaned down and looked Woe Betide in the eye. “Using a pistol takes some magical skill. Rye Mash has to use his telekinesis to handle the gun. It takes fine manipulation to load his guns, clean them, and keep them in good repair.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “I am quite aware that Rye is constantly removing unusual fluid corruption from the interior of his weapons.”

Steel: [Velvet] “Unit-Velvet had to teach him how to do that the first time.”

[Woe] “...I’m going to save myself from continuing this line of questioning...”



“Hmm…” Woe Betide paused and look thoughtful. “I suppose I can learn stuff so I could do that. So what do I do?”



Scarlet [Woe]: “By the Twin Sisters, stop imitating my voice, Rye!”

Steel: [Rye] “But I’m having a hard time here and Juliet needs satisfaction! Imitating you helps!”

[Woe] “Cease exploring your pedophilic tendencies!”

[Rye] “Once I’m satisfied!”



“To start off with, go over there and watch how Rye Mash disassembles and then reassembles his gun. He’s been doing it compulsively for at least three quarters of an hour now,” Bloody Velvet said as she gave Woe Betide a gentle nudge to get her moving.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Velvet, this vexes me terribly.”

[Velvet]: “This unit apologizes for what you may see inside this weapon’s workings.”

Steel: [Woe] “No amount of apologies will heal the damage about to be sustained... but, very well... I suppose the knowledge will help in dismantling weaponry in a battle...”



The filly moved with a slow gait; she almost seemed shy as she approached Rye Mash.



Steel: [Woe] “This is an awful, awful idea...”

SC276: What you’re doing, or this fic?



She sat down in front of him and watched as the gun was reassembled, held aloft in Rye Mash’s telekinesis.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I stand by my earlier analysis of this decision and I am further confused as to how you could have even managed to lodge some of that substance in the areas I saw it clinging to.”

Steel: [Rye] “Practice, Betide. Lots of practice. And many wounds.”

[Woe] “...How do you function?”



“Rye Mash doesn’t have a lot of magic. But as you can see, when he is working with a gun, his talent manifests itself. If one observes him at work, you can see that he is exhibiting fine control. This is probably due to his talent manifesting and giving him a little extra magic. Magic is a funny thing.



Fallen Prime: Pfff.

Scarlet [Woe]: “In other words… it is magic, therefore we cannot entirely explain it?”

[Velvet]: “Unit-Woe is correct.”

[Woe]: “I’m sticking with robotics.”

Steel: [Velvet] “Unit-Velvet appreciates this conclusion, as Unit-Periscope could learn a lot from Unit-Woe.”

[Woe] “After seeing what he did to you, I will have to drill it into his skull...”



Every day we learn a little more about magic through observation, but we will never know everything. The study of magic is the study of the unknown and making it knowable,” Velvet said in a clear patient voice.



Scarlet [Rye]: “And I want to know everything! In the classical sense!”

Steel: [Rye] “As well as in the intimate sense...”

[Woe] “Can I please leave now?”



Rye Mash lifted up a small canister of gun grease, a salve that protected the wood on his guns. “Here, unscrew this lid.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Velvet, is there any-”

[Velvet]: “No signs of Unit-Rye’s DNA detected within. Currently.”

[Woe]: “Onward, then.”



Taking the canister into her own magic, Woe held it up and looked at it with her remaining eye, which she had trouble keeping open due to all of the swelling.



Steel: [Woe] “I fixed Velvet’s intricate clockwork mechanisms controlling the balance of her four motors, I can unscrew this thing...”

SC276: She’s at least gotten an eyepatch by now, right? Right?

Topher: Pfft! Since when do pirates have a surplus of eye patches?



She had done this before. Reaching out with her mind, she turned the canister in one direction and the lid in another. There was a little squeal of metal from the cannister as it opened. There was a faint whiff of something almost like oranges, something she had never eaten but had smelled many times in the markets of Tradewinds.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Now that I think back, I regret not stealing multiple things. Once again I am forced to reflect on how screwed up my childhood is so far.”

Steel: [Rye] “Well, you’re here now.”

[Woe] “This only deepens my concern when I am around you.”

[Rye] “Nonsense! You’ll learn to be a fine ruler under my wing.”

[Woe] “...Concern deepening exponentially.”



“Now put the lid back on,” Rye instructed.

Woe Betide twisted the cannister back around and there was another faint squeak.



Fallen Prime: That’ll be Goku’s ribcage.



“And that right there is the proof that you are at least a type two,” Bloody Velvet said. “You can move two different things in two different directions. I strongly suspect that you are a type three though, which is why I am eager to have you learn some magic.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “Unit-Woe could then perfect a way to induce the self-detonation spell on another without endangering herself.”

[Woe]: “...I had never thought of that.”

Steel: [Woe] “Thank you, Velvet, for restoring some faith in ponykind for me.”

[Velvet] “It is Unit-Velvet’s pleasure.”

SC276: So it’s a… relative magic level thing? That would’ve been nice to know before now.



Woe Betide twisted off the lid once more and then screwed it back on. “Magic is nice, but guns are neat.”

Starjammer rolled his eyes but said nothing in reply.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Oh come now, love, why don’t you try your hoof at pleasing Arabella?”

[Starjammer]: “I’ve made enough decisions today I’ll regret later in life, thank you.”



“Guns are neat and I use them occasionally. But bullets are no match for strong magic,” Bloody Velvet said in a soft patient voice.

“Can you stop bullets?” Woe Betide asked.



Fallen Prime: No spoon, Mr. Anderson, kung fu, red pill, whoa.



Bloody Velvet nodded. “Most of the time. Also, I can make my enemies not want to shoot me. With magic I can cloud their minds, put them to sleep, and sometimes even make them like me.”



SC276: So you can cast Charm Person. Whoop de doo.



Woe Betide turned to look at Velvet. “Could I do that?”



Scarlet [Woe]: “And more importantly, could we restrict my expenditure of magic to… say… a little under 12.5 thaums per potential target?”

[Velvet]: “This unit’s calculations indicate this is a possibility.”

Steel: [Woe] “I’ve even got the perfect test subject in mind...”



Velvet shrugged. “Maybe.”

The little filly looked thoughtful as she screwed and unscrewed the cap on the cannister over and over. “So what do I do with this magic?”

Velvet dropped her head down to be eye level with Woe Betide. “You use it to make a life for yourself. You use it so you can be free. So you don’t wind up as food or ingredients. With magic, you’d have work, and with work, you’ll have coin. With coin, you’ll have freedom.



SC276: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and I refuse to live in a world where there is a difference.



Or do you want to be a worthless sneak thief for the rest of your life?”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Remind me to do some more maintenance on you later, Velvet. Your insult generator is malfunctioning.”

Steel: [Velvet] “Noted.”



The filly closed her eye. “I hadn’t thought about it… I’ve just tried to live long enough to see the next day. I steal what I have to and do what I need to do. It was either steal or sell my body and I chose stealing even though I know what they do to ponies that steal in Tradewinds.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Does it involve kinky-”

[Woe]: “Why are you speaking?”

Steel: [Rye] “I finished already and I got bored.”

SC276: Do you know what the penalty is for stealing?!

Topher: They chop off your hoof, leaving a small round stump! The HORROR!



“They brand you. And once you have that brand, you’re forced to remain a thief because nopony would ever employ you and you become stuck.



Topher: Isn’t this how Les Miserables started?



Eventually, you go to prison and stay there, get killed, or you turn to prostitution.”



SC276: Kinda like when you steal from the shop in Link’s Awakening and your name changes to “THIEF.”



Bloody Velvet’s words were cold and said without emotion or feeling.



SC276: Y’know, like a robot.



“Yeah,” Woe Betide said. The filly opened her eye and sighed. “I never thought about my future much. Wasn’t much to think about.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “The most disturbing thing is that the more we describe current available tactical, magical, and technological reserves… the more I realize we might actually have a shot at world domination.”

[Rye]: *smug grinning*

[Woe]: “...I’m doing this mostly to ensure I have a pleasant retirement.”



“You speak well enough. You seem smart. It is time for you to work towards the future you deserve.” Bloody Velvet’s eye began to blink in an erratic manner



Fallen Prime: Fuck, she’s short-circuiting.

Scarlet [Woe]: “Damn it! I knew I should’ve used a smaller bolt for the regulator!”



and the mare pulled her head back away from Woe Betide.

“You okay?” Woe asked.

“She has the Shivers,” Rye replied. “Just give her a moment.”

“I’ll be fine, just leave me be…”



SC276: You wish, author.

Steel: [Woe] *Sigh* “Come over here, Velvet, let’s take another look at you...”



Author's Note:

The editing might be a little iffy. Having some trouble. Feeling distracted.



SC276: That’s probably your brain noticing its very short half-life.



Let me know if there are any major glaring errors. Typos are to be shot on sihgt.



Fallen Prime: Not gonna bait me.



Chapter 12



SC276: Oh my god, there’s still more.

Fallen Prime: Shut up, you’re making it harder to pretend I’m not participating this time.



The Whalefish drifted north with an almost painful slowness.



SC276: Much like the fic’s pacing.



They were near the Hinterlands now, and would soon be near griffon territories. The idea of being anywhere near the griffon homeland filled Rye Mash with dread. He was not looking forward to this leg of the trip…



Scarlet [Rye]: “I don’t think I want to screw any more griffons…. none of ‘em will ever match Augustus.”

SC276: What happened to Trottingham again?



Except that he was.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Well, maybe if one’s super-hot.”

Fallen Prime: SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT. SUPER. HOT.



There was a part of him that wanted confrontation. He wanted to go into a fight with his guns blazing. He wanted to see how his new pistol would perform.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Yes, Janet! Don’t dream it, be it!” *laughs madly as he fires the gun into the night air*

Steel: [Spyglass] “STOP FUCKING DOING THAT, YOU DOLT, YOU’LL HIT THE GAS BAGS!”



He wanted to test his mettle and see how he did in another fight. He had ideas, good ideas, and he needed bodies in front of his guns to test these ideas.



Topher: “And he had run out of cabin boys to test his ideas on.”



The only way to get better at gunfighting was to get into gunfights.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I would also like to point out that this is an equally good method of dying during a gunfight.”

Steel: [Rye] “Only if I stand in front of their guns.”



It was troubling when your cutie mark indicated a future of extreme violence.



SC276: I don’t care as long as it’s a short future.

Steel: [Rye] “Troubling? It just means I’ll be an incredible shot in the future.”



Sensing trouble, Rye Mash stared at Bloody Velvet, who stood with her head held high in the wind, and looked as if she almost could see or hear something off in the distance. Captain Spyglass paced around the deck, looking nervous.



RJ: [Spyglass] Anything yet?

[Velvet] Negative. Unit-Velvet can only get two bars at best. And not 4G.

[Spyglass] Dammit! How are we going to catch the new OitNB out in the boonies?



Starjammer, being a calm and collected sort, was busy writing something in a thick tome



SC276: This isn’t Fire Emblem, author.



while Woe Betide, sitting beside him, ate an apple.



Scarlet [Woe]: “This fruit is fascinating. Did you know they had twelve whole barrels of them in the hold up until five minutes ago? Now there are only three!”

SC276: The director told her to eat that apple so she’d look like even more of an asshole.

Topher: *hits a triangle*



“Tell me Bloody Velvet, are we in for some excitement?” Captain Spyglass asked.



Scarlet [Spyglass]: “Seriously, in the fic proper the last exciting thing we did was watch Rye clean his guns out. Again.”



“Four unicorns… strong magic. Very strong magic. But no feeling of skill or ability.”



Topher: It’s kind of like giving the full power of the US nuclear arsenal to toddlers. It’ll be horrifying but entertaining.



Bloody Velvet closed her eyes and stood still, a look of concentration upon her face. “How very odd. Only four unicorns. I sense no other minds. No pegasi. No earth ponies. Just four unicorns on an airship.”



Scarlet: If this doesn’t turn out to be a trap, I am so disappointed.

SC276: They’re going into griffon turf, and there’s no griffons?

Steel: [Rye] “Four unicorns with exceptionally powerful magic, hm?”

[Periscope] “All alone, hm?”

[Starjammer] “No way this’ll go wrong.”



“Based upon your description, I’m thinking we have some Equestrian nobles. Maybe House Avarice themselves. But why would four of them be here, near the Hinterlands, with no crew? How are they sailing their ship?”



SC276: My first guess is magic.

Steel: [Woe] “Possibly with a reworked control system allowing them to manage the ship’s movement through a stick and pedal combination.”

[Spyglass] “Wait, what?”

[Woe] “The stick controls pitch, elevators and yaw, while the pedals control speed. Simple, really.”

[Spyglass] “...”

[Woe] “I will refrain from asking the obvious question, and in return receiving an obvious answer.” *Munches on her apple.*



Spyglass looked troubled and he turned to look at Rye Mash.

“There is one way to find out,” Bloody Velvet said in a low voice, the corner of her mouth quivering up and down as the side of her face spasmed. “Captain, shall I give the order?”



Scarlet [Woe]: “By Celestia’s Throne, what the hell did Periscope use to build your regulators? This is three times today!”



The pegasus nodded, a faint smile upon his face.



SC276: [Periscope] “I thought I would be the one to give the orders-!”

[Spyglass] “I’m not going to be the one to tell her, mate. We’ve been over this.”



“Come up hard and fast! Bring all guns to bear! I want this as bloodless as possible! We’ll scare them into surrender!



SC276: [Spyglass] “Or maybe just drop them out of the sky, which would probably be the smart thing, but we’re going with scaring anyway!”



Prepare a boarding party! Full power forward!”



SC276: Forward, ho! Reverse, ho! If you don’t stop crashing, I’ll give you the heave ho!



All around the deck, the crew burst into action and there was a lurch as The Whalefish sped forwards.



Scarlet: The crowd of pegasi flying point was left far behind, stranding them forever.

SC276: Oh yeah, I forgot those guys were things.



The engines hummed and the airscrews that pushed the ship forwards turned fast enough to produce a faint buzzing scream.



Fallen Prime: That’s... three sound-linked words that don’t go together at all.



Rye Mash smiled. At least the boredom had ended and the day was now exciting.



SC276: Finally, something to properly masterbate to!

Topher: It’s like that feeling when you finally open your laptop after a long day.



“Odd magical signatures! Electrical! Be warned!” Bloody Velvet’s warning was loud enough to be heard over the whole of the deck.



SC276: [Velvet] “VOLUME AT MAXIMUM LEVEL TO BE HEARD OVER WINDS. ...VOLUME IS STUCK AT MAXIMUM LEVEL. AGAIN.”

[Woe] “Oh c’mon!”



Pegasi were lining up and making ready to board. The wind picked up as they gained speed.

Starjammer looked up from his book for a moment, frowned, and then resumed his writing, looking very annoyed and put out.



SC276: How do you think we feel, buddy?



He shook his head and snorted.



SC276: Hey, say it, don’t spray it.



“Is there gonna be a fight?” Woe Betide’s eyes were wide and full of excitement.

“Stay with Starjammer!” Bloody Velvet barked in reply.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “THIS UNIT REQUIRES YOU TO LIVE IN ORDER TO CONDUCT FUTURE MAINTENANCE AND DOES NOT WANT TO RISK YOU IN COMBAT.”

[Woe]: “In a fortunate coincidence, neither do I.”



In the distance, a speck appeared, and it was growing larger as The Whalefish closed the gap.



SC276: It turned out to actually be a dirt speck. It flew in Rye’s eye. And then it started shouting, “WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE!”



The forward guns were being readied. The tension in the air grew, it was a wonderful, dreadful feeling, and Rye Mash quite liked it.



SC276: I think I get something like that every time I read Mykan.



In moments, the strange ship was quite visible. It appeared to be about twenty five feet in length and had a smallish egg shaped gasbag with odd protrusions sticking out of the top.



SC276: It’s indicative of how this fic has laid an egg.



A single warning shot was fired as The Whalefish drew near. Nothing happened. The ship in the distance did not respond. And then, without warning, something did happen, as was the case in these sorts of encounters.



SC276: Stop sayting there’s action and tell us what the freakin’ action is.



A stream of lightning arced near the The Whalefish’s bow.



SC276: There! Was that so hard?!

Scarlet: So if spontaneous lightning attack is the norm, you have to wonder why griffons aren’t hiring on unicorns to blast these things.



“Pull back!” Spyglass commanded.



SC276: [Spyglass] “Run away!”

[the crew] “RUN AWAY!”

Scarlet [Rye]: “No! My opportunity to murder-fuck!”



The whole ship lurched and shuddered as it veered away from the strange craft. The Whalefish banked and blazed away, preserving the distance between itself and the strange vessel that seemed to be armed with cannons that shot lightning.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I need to get a closer look at those oh my gosh they’re so amazing I bet the thaumic reactors use-”



“We have an advantage… the lightning will only shoot so far…



SC276: Because that’s totally how electricity works.

Scarlet: When you have less respect for lightning bolts than the average episode of Pokémon, there may be an issue.



fire one shot through their gasbag with one of our long guns!” Bloody Velvet commanded as she brought a shimmering shield up around herself.



SC276: [Spyglass] “Yes, uh, my plan exactly!”



Meanwhile, Rye Mash was looking through the scope on his fancy new pistol. “There are four unicorns on deck. They'e smiling and laughing. I can see them! They’re laughing at us!”



Scarlet: Oh hey, it’s our first riff-readers!

Topher: Hi everyone!



“I can’t stand smarmy bastards.” Spyglass’s wings fluttered at his sides. He squinted at the ship in the distance, scowling,



SC276: The worst part about having a spyglass jammed through your eye socket is that you can’t necessarily use it yourself.



and his furious expression became gleeful when the long gun fired.

The cannonball went hurtling off, trailing smoke and fire, it flew threw the air in a graceful arc, heading right for the strange vessel’s gasbag. It stopped just short of its target and a shimmering golden shield flickered around the strange craft.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I think I might be in love with this ship.”



“What in the name of Nightmare Moon’s stars?” Bloody Velvet shook her head. “I’ve never seen anything like that before. That is not a unicorn making that shield, be careful!”



SC276: Well what else could make it then? ...I suspect I won’t like the answer, and I’m hoping for Beatrice.

Scarlet: If nothing else she’d make this a very different and much more entertaining story.

Topher: Five bucks says Celestia’s on the boat.



Her eyes narrowed as she tried to assess the situation. “If we want to hit harder and try to wear their shield down, we’ll have to get closer. If we get closer, we’ll be zapped by those lightning guns.



Fallen Prime: Their Zap Cannons, if you will.



Keep lobbing volleys of cannonfire and let’s see if we can wear them down from here.”

With a snort of annoyance, Starjammer slammed his book shut and then it winked away in a flash of light.



SC276: This isn’t Kingdom Hearts, author.

Scarlet [Rye]: “Oooh, let me try!” *materializes a long shotgun*



He stood up and trotted to the deck. He watched as the long guns were fired and several more cannonballs bounced into the strange vessel’s shields.

“Stop.” Starjammer looked at Bloody Velvet.



SC276: Sure is lucky that they picked up this very well-educated unicorn just before the next ship they fought had defenses that required a very well-educated unicorn to break. Like how the grass in Zelda games doesn’t drop arrows until you have a bow.

Scarlet [Woe]: “I have a stratagem. It may be moderately insane, but given the crew I’m stuck with, that seems apropos.”



Bloody Velvet looked puzzled for a moment as she stared at Starjammer. And then, her face brightened into a wide grin. “Ceasefire!”

After one final volley, the guns silenced their thunder.



SC276: [guns] “That last one was because we’re dicks!”

Scarlet [Rye]: “And don’t I know it, Harry.”



“Starjammer has a plan. Rye, we need you to draw a bead on one of the unicorns with your fancy new pistol.



SC276: I don’t think his artistic skills can be used to their fullest at this distance.

Scarlet [Woe]: “Wait your plan is to shoot at the ship covered in a forcefield our long guns can’t penetrate with a pistol?”

[Starjammer]: “I’m betting on Rye’s protagonist-aura overcoming it.”

[Woe]: “Strangely enough, that sounds sane.”



I hope your aim is true. I am going to shield our ship from the lightning guns as we rush them and Starjammer is going to pierce their shield.



SC276: Without breaking theirs at the same time, hopefully.



When we’re close and you see the shield flicker out, take your shot! Then we’re going to steam away and see what happens next.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Wouldn’t it be a better plan to board the ship and overpower the unicorns by sheer weight of numbers once the shield is down?”

[Starjammer]: “The more ponies involved, the less special Rye seems, the less likely the aura works in our favor.”

[Woe]: “Aaahhhh.”



“Sounds like a good plan! Let’s move!” Spyglass commanded.



SC276: That’s totally manager-speak for “I have no idea what we’re doing.”



The Whalefish banked and angled towards the enemy vessel. Lightning streamed from little silver antennae mounted on the vessel. It crackled all around The Whalefish and caused Bloody Velvet’s shield to fizzle and crackle.



SC276: Is it bad if I’m actually a little excited to see this play out?

Scarlet: Yes.



They were close now, so very close, they were heading right for the small strange vessel and the enemy ship was now turning to avoid being hit broadside. As the vessel turned, The Whalefish came up alongside the craft, there was less than a hundred feet between them, and lightning surged from the wiggling silver antennae.’



Scarlet: “Pii.. ka… CHUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”



Whatever was powering the lightning guns seemed to be wearing out already.



SC276: It’s probably running on our patience.

Scarlet: Hybrids back then couldn’t carry a charge for very long.

Topher: And then they changed the bulb and renewed their attack.



Starjammer cast a spell, it flew towards the enemy ship and their shield came into view. It rippled, there was a loud buzzing sound, and then, the shield dropped, showering magical sparks down into the clouds below.



SC276: … *holds up and presses a Staples button; “That was easy.”*

Scarlet [Woe]: “What on earth was that?”

[Starjammer]: *dispels green, drill-shaped aura surrounding his horn*

[Woe]: “My life is split between hating all of you and becoming fascinated by the opportunities you present.”



Rye Mash fired his long rifled barrel pistol with the scope. One of the unicorns suffered from an explosive headache as everything from the neck up burst into a fine red mist.



SC276: Ha ha, humor.

Scarlet: So wait, before this the pistols just pulped things. Now they reduce them to a “red mist”. And Rye still hasn’t drawn his shotgun? Yeah we’ve left Hellsing behind and we’re into a completely new land of ludicrously dumb gore.

Topher: Oh, this is gonna be good!



The other three looked quite startled and all of them bolted from the deck, running for the door that led belowdecks.



Fallen Prime: Hey Kudz, Google picked up a typo for you. Not the first, either.



The Whalefish angled away and began to put distance between the two crafts. Rye Mash began to reload his pistol. Bloody Velvet’s shield held against the lightning, but showed signs of failing.



SC276: Much like our brains at this point. *sips more orange juice from his teacup*

Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-WOE, THIS UNIT’S BARRIER WAS NOT DESIGNED TO WITHSTAND SUCH CONCENTRATED ENERGY.”

[Woe]: “We’ll fix it later! Give it every reserve you’ve got until we break through!”



As The Whalefish pulled away, the lightning guns ceased to fire, shooting sparks and feeble arcs of electricity, but not the concentrated streams of electric death. It seemed as though the ship was running low on power.



SC276: They need to construct additional pylons.



“Get a boarding party! I do not want this vessel damaged… whatever this is, it is important!”



SC276: [Spyglass] “It’d be nice to get a weapon that Rye won’t fuck!”

Scarlet [Woe]: “Eeeeeeeeeeee!”

RJ: [Rye] Wanna bet?

[Spyglass] No. No I do not.



Spyglass unfurled his wings and took to the air. A group of pegasi took wing with him.

A moment later, Rye Mash felt himself being snatched up and carried into the air.



SC276: I was wondering when the freakin’ griffons would show up.

Scarlet [Augustus]: “Guess who’s back~”



Now airborne, he could see the enemy vessel and he could see the scales that were the symbol of House Avarice. The flag fluttered beneath the gasbag and hung above the deck.



SC276: Y’know, where it’s clearly visible, which the purpose of a freakin’ flag.



There were no shields, no electricity left in the strange new guns, the ship was helpless.

When Rye Mash’s hooves touched the deck, he drew his main pair of pistols. He took aim when he saw the door open, but did not fire. A lone stallion came out, his eyes wide with terror.



SC276: [stallion] “I’ve looked into the future, and the story gets even worse!”

Scarlet [Rye]: “Oh, for you all maybe. Lisa, Jennifer and I are going to have a very happy ending. In five minutes.”



Rye Mash approached and Spyglass drew near as well.

“I surrender!” the stallion said.



SC276: *waves white flags around* We surrender, we surrender!



“My fellows are dying if not dead… they are drinking poison!”



SC276: Someone’s poisoned the water hole!



“So you are a coward.” Spyglass snorted in disgust. “Tell me, coward, what is your name?”

The stallion dropped his head and looked fearful as he was surrounded. “My name is Buckminster Belvedere Bitters, Destrier of House Bitters, Scion of the Plat—”



Fallen Prime: “Rightful heir to the Iron Throne!”

SC276: A destrier is a classic medieval warhorse. There is nothing classic about this guy.



“Oh that’s enough of that, I asked for your name, coward,” Spyglass spat. “Tell me, what are you doing here?”



Scarlet [Bitters]: “I note that while you accuse me of cowardice, you were the ones who charged me in full force while I was fighting back with a crew of three other unicorns and myself.”

[Spyglass]: “I’m a pirate, I insult who I like.”



The very nervous Buckminster Belvedere Bitters



SC276: Whoever named this guy should be dragged out into the street and be headdesked upon by twow.

RingmasterJ5: This is actually an ancestor to the main character of The Chase, who has the same name because… reasons.



rubbed one foreleg against the other and looked all around him, his eyes wide with terror as he saw all the pegasi closing him in. He drew in one frightened shuddering breath, held it for a moment, and then looked at Spyglass.



Scarlet [Bitters]: “I am going to take this opportunity to reflect on all the terrible life choices that have led to me to this point… and, done. You may proceed with the interrogation.”



“Last chance. Tell me or we shall test your unicorn superiority by throwing you over the rail. If you can command gravity to let you live, that will be quite a feat.” Spyglass’s lip curled back from his teeth in a sneer.



Scarlet [Bitters]: “Well, actually, based on the thaumic capacity of my spellcasting and the current height of this vessel, the odds are in my favor to-”

[Spyglass]: “Or I’ll just have Rye shoot you.”

[Bitters]: “Never mind.”



“I was sent here to negotiate with an outpost in the Hinterlands. We have contacts there. There have been too many foals born on the Shetlands and there are far too many take in on the mainland, so we were looking to sell the surplus mud pony foals to the minotaurs and the diamond dogs.”



Scarlet: So remind me again why the crew attacked this vessel? I mean they turned out to be involved in the slave trade, but nothing on board indicates as such. Does Spyglass have a magical slaver-sense?

SC276: It would explain attacking that first ship, aside from being strongly-smelling enough to actually be offensive to pirates.



The unicorn let out a frightened whimper and his ears drooped down to the sides of his face.

“And what of this ship?” Blood Velvet asked as she stepped forwards.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-BITTERS, YOUR PLEADING WILL NOT SAVE YOU.”

[Bitters]: “I’m not pleading, I just have a very high-pitched growl!”



Rye Mash smiled and hoped that the stallion would try lying to Bloody Velvet.

“This ship is The Apogee. It is an experimental vessel constructed in the House Bitters shipyards. It has high levels of automation, experimental weaponry, and we, uh, borrowed it for our trip.”



SC276: According to Merriam-Webster: “apogee” refers the point of an orbiting body’s orbit where it is farthest away from what it’s orbiting; the latter may have to specifically be the Earth, I’m not sure. Also means “the highest point of something,” which just tells me that he should’ve called it The Pinnacle and not only would it be a less dorky name, it’d be a word more likely to exist in this time period.

Scarlet [Spyglass]: “Look on the bright side. You’re about to make a nine year old kid the happiest she’ll ever be in her life by losing it.”

[Bitters]: “Who are you people?”

SC276: Better people than the ones actually in the fic.



“House Bitters. One of the top houses within Avarice.



SC276: There’s houses within houses now? Are you kidding me? When Eberron did this guild house shit, they at least had the decency to keep them all separate!



You Bitters ponies have some of the purest and most undiluted bloodlines in all of Canterlot. Took a lot of incest to stay that way, didn’t it?” Bloody Velvet let out a scathing chuckle. “House Bitters… the House of Madponies.”



Scarlet [Bitters]: “Rude! Just because I made eyes at one of my first cousins once…”



Buckminster cringed away from Bloody Velvet and kept his head low. “I just want to live. Please, I have foals at home and a thriving business and I just—”



Scarlet [Bitters]: “-would rather appreciate it if you would ask that stallion with the pistol pointed at me to stop licking his lips.”

[Rye]: “Hee hee… murder-fuck…”



“Cease talking this instant or I shall have Mister Mash shoot you in the leg!” Spyglass commanded. “Tell me, do you have records of your contacts? Information about them?”



Scarlet [Bitters]: “Anything you want, just tell him to stop jerking himself off!”

SC276: You just told him to stop talking!



“Yes sir, in my quarters I have detailed communications with our contacts and I have kept all of our correspondence. I have ledgers containing our products and detailed information about our drop and collection points.”



Scarlet [Bitters]: “Or I had them until your friend there rounded them up into a pile which he is currently preparing to set on fire.”

[Spyglass]: “Rye!”

SC276: Alright, you win, take it easy, here’s everything on his blasted family, names, addresses, it’s all there!



Spyglass’ eyes narrowed and he looked at the captive unicorn. “Ponies are not products. Flesh is not a commodity.” The pegasus shook his head. “So you have detailed information that I would be interested in, and it is just below, in your quarters?”



Scarlet [Rye]: “I personally volunteer to investigate his below-quarters, captain.”

[Spyglass]: “Why are you the protagonist?”



“Yes sir… I have surrendered… I have cooperated. I am giving you everything you want. Please, let me live,” Buckminster said, begging for his life.



Scarlet: Aaah, the redundancy train has pulled back into the station. Everyone aboard once more!



“You have peddled flesh. Worse, you are peddling foal flesh. You disgust me.



SC276: The Spyglass is a SPY!



Mister Mash, please shoot him, the very fact that he continues to breathe infuriates and disgusts me.”



SC276: The very fact that this story continues being written infuriates and disgusts me.



Spyglass stepped away from the unicorn and shielded his face with his wing.



Scarlet [Rye]: “...Best. Day. Ever.”



A second later, there was a loud thunderous crack and Spyglass felt something splattering against his feathers. He shook his wing, trying to get the bits of bone and bloodied meat off.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-RYE APPEARS TO HAVE LOADED HIS WEAPONS WITH EXPLOSIVE SHELLS.”

[Spyglass]: *gingerly pulls a few singed feathers from his wings* “I’ve noticed.”



The unicorn lay on the deck, his four legs kicking and twitching, and most of his head was now gone.



Fallen Prime: Rated Teen.

SC276: He’s a pony, author, not a chicken.



Rye Mash stood nearby, smoke trailing up the barrel of his pistol.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Aaaaah, good work, Louise. I’ll have to find some special way to reward you later!”



“I loathe flesh peddlers. But foal flesh, that is unforgivable.



SC276: [Telescope] “Sir, he’s already dead and we already know all that. You pretty much break out into this speech every time you find something related to Avarice.”



Somebody, please, dispose of this trash, the smell is most disagreeable and offensive to my nose.” Spyglass stepped away, looking disgusted, and his eyes narrowed.



Scarlet [Spyglass]: “Mr. Mash, that is a heavily coded way of asking you not to copulate with the late Mr. Bitters’s remains.”

SC276: Will the captain stop acting like a freakin’ primma dona already?



“Too much powder, Mister Mash. What a mess. I need to go find a cloud to roll in. I am covered in noble unicorn paste. Vile!”

“Come on Rye, let’s go have a look belowdecks and see what we can find.” Bloody Velvet gestured at the door and chuckled at Spyglass’ predicament.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “THIS UNIT’S PROCESSING CAPACITY INDICATES UNIT-RYE MAY BE ABOUT TO GET LUCKY.”

[Rye]: “It’s good to be the king.”



Reloading, Rye Mash moved to follow Bloody Velvet.

Author's Note:

Anybody still reading?



Fallen Prime: Only because Ring and I are making them. Stick THAT pecker in your backside.

Scarlet: Or don’t. Rye will do it for you!

SC276: What these guys are cooking are probably getting triple the readership. Assuming we all don’t die from fic poisoning first.



Chapter 13

The Apogee was overwhelming. As Rye moved belowdecks, each new room was more impressive than the last. The ship seemed to be a marvel of the age. There was a small galley to fix meals. The engine room seemed to be little more than a closet.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Such cramped space! One wonders how they accomplished any maintenance. In fact, you would need to be a small… child… to get into some of those spaces… this ship was made for me.”

SC276: Now I’m thinking of that girl from “Mothership Zeta.”



There were several small but well appointed cabins. The ship was small, without feeling small, and that was quite a feat.



SC276: Much like how the plot of this story is small, but feels like it takes forever.



Grinning, Rye Mash stepped into the room where Bloody Velvet was having a look around.

Seeing Rye Mash, Velvet said, “Well, aren’t you a fancy fellow… feeling good about yourself?”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “WAS POSITION 55 SATISFYING TO YOU, UNIT-RYE?”

[Rye]: “Was the yodeling really necessary?”

[Velvet]: “THE YODELING WAS NOT INTENTIONAL. THIS UNIT HAD A VERBAL CIRCUIT MALFUNCTION.”



There was sarcasm in her voice. Rye felt confusion well up in his mind and he looked at Bloody Velvet as she twitched. “What?”

“You just killed somepony without a moment’s hesitation at a spoken command.” Velvet gave Rye a blank stare.



Scarlet: Does anybody else remember five minutes ago when she was laughing at the fact that her captain got covered in unicorn guts? Me neither.



“I was given an order—”

“What if you were given a bad order?” Velvet asked.



SC276: What if my beard were made of green spinach?

Scarlet: We’ve been over this one.



“But this was a good order—”

“Maybe, this time, but you didn’t even think! You pulled the trigger and you turned Mister Bitter’s skull into meaty marmalade! You didn’t even hesitate when Spyglass gave you the order to kill him!”

“I thought I was supposed to follow orders… I’m confused.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “THIS IS UNIT-RYE’S NATURAL STATE.”



“Yes, you should follow orders. And in a crisis, you should obey them without hesitating so that we might all live…” Velvet raised her foreleg and rubbed the side of her head with her fetlock. “Look, Rye, it bothers me how eager you were.



SC276: Actually, we called it kinda right from the goddamn get-go.



I get that you want to impress Captain Spyglass. I get that you are enamoured with the image of a sky pirate.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “THIS UNIT IS WELL AWARE OF WHAT IMAGES ARE KEPT IN UNIT-RYE’S PORN STASH.”

SC276: [Velvet] “NOT THAT WE ARE PIRATES OR ANYTHING, AS FAR AS THE CAPTAIN-UNIT’S CONCERNED.”



I get that this is romantic and empowering for you… but I don’t want to see you lose the best parts of yourself, the parts of you that have the most potential… you’re too nice of a pony to become a cold blooded killer.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Oh, I assure you that I’m quite warm.”



“I’m sorry, Velvet… I… I’m very confused right now and I don’t know what to say.”



SC276: Then why is the story still going?



“Just… try not to be mindless,” Velvet said in a soft voice. “I’ve let you into my heart.



SC276: [Velvet] “MY CPU NEEDS UNCLOGGING.”



You’re my friend. I don’t want to harden my heart to you as I have had to do with the others.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “THIS UNIT’S HEART-COMPONENT IS NOT CURRENTLY MEANT TO OPERATE AT THIS CAPACITY.”



“I think I understand.” Rye Mash hung his head and allowed his ears to droop in submission. “I’ll be more careful.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “And next time, I promise I’ll make time with Lester and Adam before I discharge them into somepony’s skull, not during.”



“Captain Spyglass is a good pony, but he has his faults. He makes mistakes. What if he told you to kill somepony that didn’t deserve it?” Velvet asked in a low voice as she looked at Rye Mash and felt bad because of how pathetic he looked. “You cleared leather at the mere sound of his voice.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “To be fair, he has a very entrancing baritone.”



“Sorry.”

“Okay. Fine. Now stop being sorry and make yourself useful.



SC276: Yeah, we’re getting tired of this conversation too.



We need to begin sorting through all of this and going over every inch of this ship.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-WOE IS WATCHING THROUGH LIVE VIDEO FEED AND HAS REQUESTED FULL SCHEMATICS.”



Bloody Velvet heaved a sigh and blew her mane out of her eyes.

Focused upon his task, Rye Mash turned the page of the business ledger.



Scarlet: Jesus, Haiku, when I made that joke about “Principles of Modern Accountancy” I didn’t expect you’d actually make me read it!



House Avarice, through House Bitters, owned a mining company called ‘The Golden Cornucopia’



SC276: *immediately jumps for the ‘Mykan crossover’ alarm, but stops in midair* Oh wait, just “Cornucopia.” My bad. *falls* Ow.



and through this company, several other small companies were managed.



Scarlet: You named your mining company after a famous horn that flowed with produce?



There were ties to several other companies in Fancy,



SC276: You know Applejack doesn’t speak that.



in Germaney, in Minos, and even in Griffonholm. Through one of the puppet companies, Avarice was selling coal to Griffonholm, which was illegal because of the embargo against the griffons.



Scarlet: Riveting.



An embargo created by House Avarice.



Scarlet: Kudzu, I realize that you probably watched Spice and Wolf right before writing this, but the reason economic drama worked there was that the main character was a traveling merchant and not a pirate.

SC276: Tried that one once. Didn’t get past the second episode. Should probably try again.

Scarlet: Why is it we spend more time riffing these than we do watching quality shit, again?



Rye Mash understood what was going on at once. With the trade embargo, they were the only Equestrian company capable of selling coal to the griffons and they have removed all sources of competition. House Avarice was now free to sell Equestrian coal and charge as much for it as they wanted.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-RYE, YOUR BRAIN APPEARS TO BE BAKING. RESPOND!”

[Rye]: “I have never had to be this serious for this long in my life and the moment I am done reading this I am fucking your brains out.”

SC276: Congratulations, fic, you just established that the immoral asshole company is… even more of an immoral asshole company.



And with the coal came assets. Labour assets. Along with the coal, labour was being sold in the form of what Rye Mash knew were slaves. And this was just one ledger.



SC276: Again, we already know these guys are assholes. You’re just pointlessly making them bigger assholes.



Frowning, he closed the book, set the book down upon a small desk, and continued to look around the cabin. What he hoped to find was more code, or a means to crack the cipher.



Scarlet: I would like to humbly request that we just ditch this part and move the hell on!



“Mister Mash?”

Looking up, Rye glanced at Captain Spyglass.



Scarlet: Oh thank God.



“We’re towing The Apogee for now… we are too close to hostile territory and we need to be moving…



SC276: [Spyglass] “Also, Woe won’t stop clinging to the lightning gun and shouting ‘MINE!’”



but once we know more about it, The Apogee that is, I plan to form a little fleet. I have given command of The Apogee to Bloody Velvet. You will move your quarters to this vessel and Skeeter will be moving here with you, to help you get from ship to ship.



Scarlet [Spyglass]: “I’ll be sending Woe as well, but I’m confident that even if she wasn’t assigned she’d find a way to get over and start tinkering with the machinery.”



I want you to go over everything that can be found on this ship and I want you to give me detailed summaries of everything that you find. Even the most mundane of information can be useful.”

“Sir, yes sir,” Rye Mash replied.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Here, sir. Let me hit you with an exposition dump.” *picks up the ledger and slams Spyglass over the head with it.*

[Spyglass]: “...In retrospect I should have seen that coming.”



“I am trusting you to be thorough. Do not let me down, Mister Mash.”



SC276: Moreso than he already has.



Spyglass smiled and backed out of the door.

Rye realised that he had a lot of reading ahead of him.



Fallen Prime: Thus mirroring the reaction of anyone with even the vaguest curiosity about “The Chase.”



The strange protrusions on top of the gasbag were cloud scoops. Cerise Velvet’s eyes narrowed as she peered at the manual for the ship that she had found in the control cabin.



Scarlet: Who? Are there two Velvets in this story now?

SC276: Hold on… That’s Bloody’s actual first name. Why the author decided to start using it now is beyond my understanding. Also, I don’t know why the cloud scooping part had to come before saying where the info was coming from.



Pegasi were no longer needed to gather clouds and stuff them into the gasbag. One needed to fly through a cloud bank to gather cloudstuff for a refill.



Scarlet: And thanks to confusing prose, it sounds like pegasi are no longer necessary because only one of them is required to do the recharging. Paid author, people.



The Apogee was the bleeding edge of airship technology. It had shield generators. Lightning guns. A semi-automated piloting system that would allow the ship to fly in a straight line if left unattended would make corrections for minor winds.



Scarlet [Woe]: “I apologize for the drooling I am doing right now. It is an entirely inadvertent reflex.”



It even had a heater, of sorts, the heat generated by the electrical generation system and the lead acid batteries could be ducted into the cabins to provide some minor protection against the chill. The engine was a closed loop steam turbine that turned four airscrews.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Every ounce of pain, every leer, every time I had to steal a book on popular mechanics and risk police brutality- they have all been worth it for this moment.”

SC276: This here's an advanced patty-control mechanism. Here you can see our automated money-handling system. Don't touch! These are high-quality beverage temperature devices. Imported. This here’s a prototype liquid transfer machine. And most importantly, you get your state-of-the-art condiment-disposal units. Now, are you gonna buy something or just stand there cause there's a standing fee.



The ship was meant to be advertised as being unassailable by sky pirates. Cerise Velvet laughed. It had been tricky, but they had taken over the ship. Mid laugh, she stopped. Most sky pirates didn’t have powerful unicorns.



Scarlet: They don’t have them because...



Against griffons, against minotaurs, against diamond dogs, this ship would be almost unreachable for those that had no means to pierce the shields.



SC276: I love how it gives no explanation for what generated Beatrice’s Golden Shield exactly.

Scarlet: Metaphysical representation of the mystery genre vs. the fantasy genre. *rimshot*



Against sustained bombardment from enemy cannons that could wear down the shields, The Apogee boasted a countermeasure in the form of an unbelievable top of speed of sixty knots, which if true, would allow it to outrun anything else in the sky.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Is this what ecstasy feels like?”



The Apogee was not intended for heavy combat, but it could function as a warship. The manual said its designation was as a corvette. It was promised to be small, light, and maneuverable, relying on agility rather than brute force.



Scarlet: Except for the mother-fucking lightning cannons.

SC276: So, it’s a kiter?



It was with a slow feeling of creeping dread that Cerise realised that this ship was meant to be a display model and that House Bitters intended to sell it to the enemies of Equestria.



Scarlet: Thus making it completely useless as a form of military superiority, since Equestria has the unicorns to deal with it and none of those enemies do.



The Apogee was unique, as it was a demonstration model, the actual production model promised smaller cabins, more efficient use of space, and could be built to specifications of the buyer. The manual slipped from her telekinesis and she looked around the cabin she was sitting in.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-WOE, WAS THAT ENOUGH INFORMATION FOR YOUR PURPOSES?”

[Woe]: *sobbing with tears of joy*



A griffon fleet with corvettes like the The Apogee would be formidable, a terrible foe to face in open warfare in the sky. Backed with battleships, heavy cruisers, and dreadnaughts, the griffons could become an unstoppable rampaging menace to their neighbors and perhaps even against Equestria.



Fallen Prime: And then some cyclops monster steals their crown and they regress to poverty, so fuck you.

Scarlet: Again, if the only country with the resources to deal with the Apogee is Equestria, why is it such a threat? If it gets mass-produced, surely they’re going to purchase their own fleet?



The thought was sobering.



Fallen Prime: Ah, don’t sweat it. Gilda can clean the place up.

SC276: Once again. They’re already assholes. They don’t need to be made bigger assholes.



“You comfortable, Skeeter?” Rye asked as he helped his friend get comfortable in his bunk. “You look a little better… and you don’t feel so warm.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Almost as if you’re an undead monster.”



Skeeter gave a weak nod.

“We’re going to share this cabin and you’re going to get the top bunk and you’re going to get better… I’m glad you are feeling better. Want anything to eat?”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Like the blood of the innocent, perhaps? Don’t play dumb!”



The pegasus looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded.

“You have an appetite again… wonderful. Let me go look around and see what might be in the galley. I am actually a fair cook, or so Lace Collar said. Cooking was one of my many duties. Lace Collar was dreadfully afraid of being poisoned so he made me cook for him,” Rye Mash said in a low voice.



Scarlet [Rye]: “He never realized this actually increased his chances of being poisoned.”



“I was never allowed to eat the food I prepared for Lace Collar. It was always gruel for me.”



SC276: Not even a midnight snack? Gheeze, that’s just being a jerk.



“Mmm umm hmm,” Skeeter murmured.



Scarlet: Wouldn’t Lace insist on Rye tasting the food purely to ensure its safety?



“Okay, hold on, let me go fix you something to eat,” Rye replied.

The small pantry seemed well stocked. There were all manner of glass jars filled with foodstuffs. There were bins filled with dry goods, staples of the Equestrian diet. The four unicorns were prepared to be away from home for quite some time, it appeared.



Scarlet: God damn it, they just shot down a college grad and his best friends on their way to move him into his new apartment!



There was a bin filled with root vegetables and an icebox that was frigid but had no ice. Rye Mash had no idea how it worked, but he was impressed.



SC276: OK wait, so they invented refrigerators now?



Inside the icebox were cheeses, eggs, and square glass jugs of juice all pressed together to conserve space.



Scarlet: Ah, SC, I think we’ve found a way to renew your stash. *tosses orange juice*

SC276: *catches* Rob prototype airships? Sounds like my kind of party!



Stuck to the inside of the door, Rye Mash found the most useless recipe ever, but he could not help but to study it out of curiousity. It seemed very much out of place upon this ship, but perhaps there was some mysterious reason why it was here.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Perhaps it’s the formula for the ultimate aphrodisiac cologne!”

SC276: Watch, this is going to turn out to be the key to the cipher, akin to how the Philosopher’s Stone was encoded into a cookbook. Which is actually oddly appropriate, now that I think about it...



“Nine pounds of salt, twelve pounds of pepper,” Rye Mash read to himself, his brows furrowing. “Thirty five pounds of flour, thirty four pounds of vegetable shortening, one hundred gallons of vegetable stock, one hundred and twenty pounds of peas, three hundred pounds of tomatoes, diced,



Scarlet: Eye of newt and spawn of toad.



two hundred and fifty pounds of onions, minced, one hundred and seventy five pounds of carrots, sliced,



Scarlet: Hair from a dead mare, freshly-plucked.



seven hundred pounds of potatoes, cubed, one hundred and sixty pounds of celery, sliced thin, an additional twenty five pounds of flour to make gravy, and seven gallons of water.”



Scarlet: Mix them in a cauldron by the light of the Witch’s Moon and whisper the secret phrases unto Hecate.



Rye Mash read through the cooking instructions and then said, “Serves two thousand ponies.” He could not help but feel curious as to why this recipe was stuck to the inside of the icebox door. This much food was mind boggling.



Scarlet: It’s code. We all know it’s code. Get on with it.



Rye lifted several jars of tomato paste from the pantry, cracked open the lids, poured them into a large stock pot, dropped in several vegetable bouillon cubes, and then added water.



Scarlet: Wait, were bouillon cubes even a thing during the time this story was set in? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to use refrigerated stock as a base?



In another pot, he set some water on the stove to boil and pulled out a sizable portion of egg noodles from a bin. He pulled a brick of cheese from the fridge, a soft smelly cheese, and began to crumble it up.



Fallen Prime: This is actually not the most boring detail they exposit on in this chapter. The ship porn was just ahead of this food porn.

Scarlet: Honestly, this is more entertaining than the rest of the story.

SC276: The ship porn I could at least “borrow” ideas from for my own purposes.



“We have a cook… wonderful,” Bloody Velvet said as she entered the galley. “I will see that your wages are corrected and that you are compensated.”

“But I was just—”

“But you were just fixing me a bite to eat? How sweet!”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-RYE PLEASE TAKE A HINT.”

[Rye]: “Confound it, woman, that’s the one thing I don’t know how to do!”



“No, I was just going to fix Skeeter—”

“And the rest of the crew aboard The Apogee a nice meal? You really are the nicest pony, you know that, Rye Mash?” Bloody Velvet batted her eyelashes at Rye and gave him a sweet smile.



Scarlet [Rye]: “More and more I find myself losing even when I win.”

SC276: What did you expect, you started making something that served two thousand!



Defeated, Rye Mash began to add more ingredients to what he already had out on the stove and on the counter. “It wasn't anything fancy… tomato soup with egg noodles and some of this crumbled cheese. Skeeter can’t eat anything solid at the moment.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “I also added extra garlic.”



“Hmm.” Bloody Velvet pushed her way into the galley and began to pull stuff out of the pantry herself.

“What are you planning?” Rye asked as Bloody Velvet began to pull stuff out.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “THIS UNIT WAS CURIOUS AS TO THE PROSPECT OF ROMANTIC DINNER FOR THREE ABOARD THIS VESSEL.”

[Rye]: “I yearn for you.”



“Some sort of fritters, savoury. Might be nice to dip in soup. Ah, here we go, a jar of preserved white and yellow corn!” Bloody Velvet lifted up her prize and grinned.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “EXTRACTING THE ETHANOL MAY PROVE USEFUL TO THIS UNIT’S CONTINUED FUNCTION.”



“I didn’t know you can cook,” Rye Mash said.

“Because I’m a noble… I know… and no, I can’t cook. Not really. I just learned a few things here and there. In my old life, I had servants that took care of everything I needed. I hated it. But you are never too old to start learning a new way.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-WOE SIGNIFICANTLY UPGRADED THIS UNIT’S CAPABILITIES.”

[Rye]: “I did not expect I’d feel eternally grateful to her this quickly.”



Bloody Velvet began to set out her ingredients upon the counter. “Come on Rye, this will be fun. Let’s make a mess and we can get Starjammer to clean it up. We’ll make him the head dishwasher.”

“What am I?” Rye asked.



Scarlet: Despicable.

SC276: A Marty Stu.



“Why, the head cook. I meant what I said, I will see that your pay is adjusted. Somepony has to cook on this vessel and we’ll die if I do it,” Bloody Velvet replied. “Besides, I am now the captain of this ship.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “BY WHICH I OF COURSE MEAN THAT AS CURRENT HEAD ADMINISTRATOR OF THIS UNIT, UNIT-WOE IS NOW CAPTAIN OF THIS VESSEL.”

[Rye]: “Grateful feeling receding.”



“Oui, mon capitaine,” Rye said, raising his hoof in salute.



SC276: [Velvet] “UNIT-RYE IS LUCKY THAT THIS UNIT DOES SPEAK FANCY.”



Author's Note:

The voyage to Trottingham continues…



SC276: And the journey continues...



Beware of typos off of the port bow!



SC276: Do I have to keep saying it?



Chapter 14

The guts of The Apogee’s control system lay strewn about the navigation cabin. Several crystals had been pulled out, crystalline fibre was stretched across the floor, and in the middle of the mess, Starjammer worked in utter and complete silence.



Scarlet: Except for the occasional sound of Rye climaxing nearby.

SC276: [Starjammer] “...I have no idea how to put this back together.”



“What’s he doing? Rye asked, leaning over and whispering into Bloody Velvet’s ear.

“Making a much needed improvement,” Bloody Velvet replied.

“I don’t understand.”



SC276: Not the first time, boy.

Scarlet [Rye]: “Wouldn’t this be something for Woe to deal with?”

[Velvet]: “UNIT-WOE IS ON THE DECK PRANCING ABOUT IN A HAPPY CIRCLE AS SHE ADMIRES THE VESSEL.”

[Rye]: *looks out* “..Hng.” *drops to the ground*

[Velvet]: “THIS UNIT ANTICIPATED A CUTENESS OVERLOAD.”



“The ship flies in a straight line if left unattended. That’s bad for us.



SC276: It flies here, it flies there. It flies only in straight lines. Something something, ze sitting duck! ...What a lousy place for a wall.



There aren’t enough ponies on board this ship to pilot craft at all hours. If we follow The Whalefish and that ship changes course, we’ll be separated. So, Starjammer is rigging the controls to follow a beacon he constructed aboard The Whalefish.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “ACCORDING TO UNIT-WOE’S SPECIFICATIONS, THAT IS.”



“Oh.”



SC276: Does that really require taking apart the entire console? Taking apart the watch to see what makes it tick does not tell you as much as simply watching the watch.



Sticking out her hoof, Bloody Velvet gave Rye a playful shove. “Your breath stinks like garlic and bad cheese. Begone, foul smelling pony of lowly peasant birth.”



Scarlet: Um, where the fuck did that joke come from?

SC276: Don’t tell me the author predicted the vampire joke too?!



“Hey!” Rye cried in a voice of mock indignation.

“What do all of the crystals do?” Woe Betide asked as she began to giggle from Bloody Velvet’s remark to Rye Mash.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-WOE, YOU HAVE RETURNED FROM YOUR FROLIC.”

[Woe]: “I’m nine years old, let me be indulgent for once. Now let me see, I don’t want to risk anything bad happening to my new ship during such a simple rigging operation.”



“Store spells, Woe. And hold energy collected from ley lines,” Bloody Velvet replied.

“So the spells act like a command… hmm… nope, I don’t understand.” Woe flopped over onto the floor and kicked out her legs. “Boring.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Rye, please stop putting your words in my mouth. Also that imitation seems to become more disturbing as I grow accustomed to it.”

[Rye]: “Karmic vengeance for my pie! She died so young...”



“Woe, why don’t you go and help Rye look for secret compartments on this ship?” Bloody Velvet reached out and prodded the unicorn filly with her hoof.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “BOOP.”

[Woe]: “I do not regret increasing your nurturing instincts, Velvet. *contented sigh*”



“Okay!” Woe sprang up, bounced, bounced again, and then looked at Rye, watching him sigh. “Come on Rye, we have orders! Let’s go!”



Scarlet [Woe]: “I want to know every inch of this place, to the point where I can reconstruct it mentally in my sleep!”

SC276: Talk about your dream ship...



Rye tapped on the back of a closet wall, trying to hear if it was hollow. They were still finding hidden nooks in this ship, though all of them were not really hidden, just out of the way places to hide stuff, and all of it had been empty.



Scarlet [Rye]: “I’m disturbed that four healthy ponies on a long voyage had no porn stash. However did they survive?”

[Woe]: “At some point you should seek medical attention for your sex issues. And counseling.”



The idea of a hidden compartment persisted though, even Spyglass was certain that something was hidden aboard The Apogee.

“Rye?”

“Yes Woe?”



Scarlet [Woe]: “If I catch you positioning yourself behind me just to stare at me when I bend over again, I will end you. And furthermore-”



“Have you ever noticed that the space beneath the stairs is closed off?”

Rye Mash lifted his head.

“Aboard The Whalefish, the space under all the different stairs is open and it is used for storage. Stuff can be secured there. But here, under the stairs is all walled in.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “How the hell are you this intelligent?”

[Woe]: “I am not intelligent. The rest of the world is merely dull.”

SC276: I’m not crazy, everyone else is!



Rye Mash stepped out of the closet, turned tail, and left the water treatment room he had been searching. As he exited, he snatched up a pry bar that he had been bringing room to room with him, in case he found something promising.



Scarlet: And once he was done messing around with his penis, he picked up an actual crowbar.



He looked at Woe Betide, who was poking at the boards with her hoof.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Fascinating. Hawthorn for its warding properties, Oak for strength, and a few charms. The only way to break through the layered magical defenses is most likely- ah, good, Rye. You brought cold iron.”



The space under the stairs was closed off, forming a triangle. The stairs were a little less than a yard wide, and the space beneath them extended from the wall that the stairs were anchored to. Rye walked to the stairs themselves, peered down, trying to see between the risers. Aboard The Whalefish, you could see through the spaces between the stairs.



Scarlet: This can only mean one thing- differing design aesthetics between shipbuilders!



These stairs were sealed off.

This was just bad ship design to create an unreachable, unusable empty space that was sealed off. Or not… it was a good place to hide something. Rye Mash began to look around for the best place to start peeling the enclosed space open.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Rye, if you must free your willy, at least wait until I am a suitable distance away.”

SC276: How about you start with the giant stretch of wall.



Rye chose the corner, where the wooden planks were held together with pegs. He sunk the tip of the pry bar in between the planks, doubled down with his telekinesis, stabbed inwards a bit more, and then heaved.



Scarlet [Woe]: *shudders* “...Please stop grunting like that. I don’t want to be cleaning up your fluids from the interior of my ship and weapons.”

[Rye]: “You know perfectly well that my fling with Terrence was consensual!”



There was a creak as the wooden panel popped free from the pegs. He gave another shove, and soon the entire wooden plank fell away and clattered to the floor.

Lighting his horn, Rye Mash looked inside.



Scarlet [Woe]: “There had better be another robot in there or I will feel so cheated by this experience.”

SC276: I’m hoping for a Wallmaster, personally.



The light of his horn showed a shapeless mass of grey canvas inside of the small triangle shaped area beneath the stairs.



SC276: I’m pretty sure there’s an actual word for that, even if I don’t know it.



Rye Mash felt his his heart begin thumping inside of his chest as he looked down at Woe and smiled.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Rye, do something about your face. That grin is far too creepy.”



“Velvet! We found something!” Woe Betide cried.



SC276: But he’s not going to tell the audience right now, because screw them.



Several more planks fell to the floor as Rye Mash pried the wall away. Inside the compartment, there was a large grey canvas draped over a pile of stuff. A wooden trunk was also visible. A collection of wooden scroll casings could be seen sticking up out of a crate.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Jackpot! The blueprints for the next three years of House Bitters military designs! With enough revenue, we could build an unstoppable fleet!”



“Oh stars… this looks interesting,” Bloody Velvet gasped.



SC276: Scrolls are always interesting. I don’t think anyone will mind if I take one… or two… or all of them...



After pulling away one more plank, Rye Mash tugged at the heavy grey canvas. As it slid away, it revealed the almost glowing glimmer of gold beneath it. Gold bars were stacked atop one another and upon seeing it, Starjammer let out a long whistle of surprise.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “JACKPOT. A FUEL SOURCE FOR MY GOLD-SMELTING INTERNAL CORE.” *swallows three bars whole*



“That’s thirty six gold bars. Each bar is four hundred and forty four ounces of gold if they are following the Avarice standard. We’re looking at, uh, um… uh…” Velvet fell silent as she tried to to do the math inside of her head.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-WOE, REQUESTING MAINTENANCE ON MY CALCULATION FUNCTION.”

[Woe]: “Curses. I knew I should’ve calibrated differently during your reboot.”



“Nine hundred, ninety nine pounds,” Starjammer finished.



Scarlet: Whichever witch is responsible for this run of good fortune is apparently quite a bit cheaper than Beatrice. Sorry, SC!

SC276: Eh, the unicorns died anyway. Also, since when did the world Equestria was in use pounds? British!



“I don’t even comprehend how much that is worth,” Rye said in a low whisper as he backed away from the pile of gold bricks. “I’m having some trouble taking this in.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “UNIT-RYE PLEASE DESIST FROM INSERTING GOLD BARS INTO YOUR RECTAL CAVITY.”

SC276: The price of a new PS4 - Ultimate Player 1TB Edition - on Amazon UK is £299.99. So, discounting tax since I don’t know how it works in the UK, you could get three PS4s, one for each of your love interests, and perhaps a few games with the leftovers. Consumer electronics make comprehending large amounts of money much easier!



Using her magic, Bloody Velvet flipped open a small wooden chest and saw it was full of gold coins. The mare lifted her head and whinnied.



Scarlet [Woe]: “At least the increased-vocalism patch is operating at capacity.”



“Trouble,” Starjammer said in a low worried voice. He stared at Bloody Velvet.

Bloody Velvet stared back at Starjammer for a moment and then looked at Rye Mash. “Rye… tell me, what do you see when you look at those coins?”



Scarlet [Rye]: “A thousand beautiful, golden faces staring back at me.”



Rye Mash shrugged. “More money than I’ve ever seen in my whole life.”

“No, Rye… keep looking… tell me, what do you see?” Velvet asked.

Rye stuck his head down and studied the shining gold coins. They were beautiful and perfect in every way. They were Equestrian bits.



SC276: If Equestria uses bits, where did “pounds” come from?! Are you talking about as weight?!



“I don’t know what you want me to see.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Other than your lovely faces.”

[Woe]: “I am split between your affections for Jammer and Velvet being creepy or the only redeeming quality you have. Somehow ‘both’ seems appropriate.”



“These coins are freshly minted or have never seen circulation. There are no teeth marks, the edges haven’t been shaved off, they’re all clean, no smudges, no filth, no coal dust down in the nooks and crevices, these coins came from a treasury.”



SC276: You haven’t seen some of the pennies I find on the ground sometimes.



Bloody Velvet gave Rye a nudge. “Each one of those is a one hundred gold bit coin.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “WINK WINK.”

[Woe]: “Velvet, you aren’t supposed to vocalize that bit!”



“So… these coins have never been touched by commoners?” Rye asked.



SC276: I am perfectly willing to fix that.



“Can I have one?” Woe Betide asked in an excited squeak.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Untarnished gold would be the perfect reagent for a few alchemic improvements I’ve been itching to make!”



“No,” Bloody Velvet said. “Something like that would get you in trouble, and then Rye would have to start killing a whole bunch of fools to keep you safe. And he’s the sort that would do it, too. That much gunfire would give me a headache.”



Scarlet [Woe]: “Why on earth were you programmed to feel pain?”

[Velvet]: “THIS UNIT OFTEN ASKS HERSELF THE SAME QUESTION.”



Pouting, and giving Velvet a sullen glare, Woe Betide mumbled, “Shite.”



SC276: Don’t you go getting all old English on me, missy!



“I wonder what is in the scroll tubes… the large wooden trunk might have anything… so what do you think all of this is for?” Rye Mash asked as he glanced over at Velvet.



Scarlet [Rye]: “And more importantly, would you enjoy making love on top of it, right now?”

[Woe]: “I am heading straight out of this room.”



“I don’t know. It seems House Avarice was off doing business though. This, along with that stew recipe you found, this has me very upset,” Bloody Velvet replied.



Scarlet [Velvet]: “THIS UNIT PREPARED THE RECIPE LAST NIGHT. IT TASTED TERRIBLE.”



Rye shook his head. “The stew recipe has left me puzzled for a couple of days now, I’ll admit.



SC276: oh my god how much time is actually passing author you’re killing me



It just seems so out of place. I mean, no one on this ship had any use for it. It had no place being here.”



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “By the way, did anyone bother to finish fixing up those crystal adjustments from earlier- *ship lurches to the side*. -never mind.”



“So we have a stew recipe to feed thousands and enough gold here to buy Saddle Arabia. We have a real advanced prototype ship that’s probably still loaded down with more secret compartments and who knows what else is tucked away.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Other than my-”

[Woe]: “Other than your genitalia in your weapons, yes. Would you stop doing that every time you become bored?”



Bloody Velvet frowned took a step back, and sat down, the spasms in her hind legs becoming too much for her to bear. “In the past, House Avarice has pushed two opposing sides to war and then made a mountain of gold off of exploiting both sides.”



SC276: They’re trying to excite a war between Equestria and the griffons. Calling it now.



Starjammer nodded but said nothing. He sat down beside Velvet and then pulled Rye Mash down beside him.

“What will one thousand pounds of gold buy you?” Rye Mash asked.



Fallen Prime: A better author.

Scarlet: Hey, gather enough and we could just go read Umineko instead. Better author and better story!

SC276: I’m thinking of founding the creation of Klonoa 3 myself.



Bloody Velvet shrugged. “Anything you want. Right now, Starjammer is thinking that he’d spend one thousand pounds of gold to get you under the covers for a snuggle.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “Oh, those come free. And just a snuggle?”

[Starjammer]: “I’m trying to cut back, but your sudden charm is making me rethink that decision.”



Choking, Rye Mash darted away from Starjammer, coughing, and he felt his cheeks blazing with an internal fire. He turned and looked at Starjammer and the unicorn gave a nod, followed by a saucy, lewd, lascivious wink.



Scarlet: It’s okay to pick one adjective, Kudzu. We won’t think less of you.

SC276: He sounds like Lady Redundant Woman.



“Rye, calm down. It’s just a snuggle. There is nothing wrong with two grown stallions snuggling,” Bloody Velvet said in a teasing voice.



SC276: Author, leave the sex jokes to us. Please.



Overcome with the giggles, Woe Betide lifted up her hoof, pointed, and then fell over, her giggles becoming guffaws.



Scarlet [Woe]: “Oh by the Sisters, the image of a chaste Rye- too ridiculous, even for me!”



“Really, Rye… deep breaths… you would be the snuggler and Starjammer would be the snugglee. When Starjammer is with a mare, he’s all stallion, but when he’s with a stallion, he’s all mare, if that makes it any easier on you.”



Scarlet [Velvet]: “ERROR. REGRET TO INFORM UNIT-RYE THAT THIS UNIT ACCIDENTALLY REVERSED THAT SENTENCE.”



Bloody Velvet’s face contorted and spasmed as she started to laugh.



Scarlet: ha ha ha ha ha bisexuality is funny when dudes do it. ha ha ha ha. Ha. Ha.



Beside her, Starjammer scowled and then prodded Bloody Velvet with his hoof.

“I need me some fresh air!” Rye Mash bolted away, running and leaping up the stairs.



Scarlet [Rye]: “Come along, Starjammer!”

SC276: I’m going to need more than fresh air. *preps an orange juice drip*



The cold wind felt good as it blew through Rye Mash’s pelt. He shivered, glad to feel the cold, and he could see The Whalefish ahead of them. He stood on the small deck of the The Apogee and tried to sort out his thoughts.



Scarlet: After writing them down on a set of index cards even he was disturbed by how many were variations on the theme of sex.



Feeling confused and out of sorts, Rye Mash didn’t know what to think. He had felt nothing but confusion since that kiss with Starjammer, and then this had happened, bringing up everything that had settled down somewhat in his memory.



Scarlet: Again. I did navel-gazing too. Because I was a student and not a magic, motherfucking sky pirate.



But now, all those feelings were fresh once more.

He watched as a group of pegasi pushed a bank of clouds towards The Whalefish so that the gasbag could be refilled. He tried to distract himself by looking at anything that might take his mind off of the current problem that was stuck inside of his brain.



Scarlet [Rye]: “I have no idea how I managed to lodge it in there, before you ask. Position 92 may take some practice before we repeat it.”



Starjammer was handsome. More and more, Rye was noticing that Starjammer was somewhat effeminate in his mannerisms.



SC276: Anyone have the remote from Click? I wanna fast-forward past this.



He had noticed it while watching the stallion eat, or drink his tea, or the way he read his book, or the way he moved.



Scarlet: Yes, all queer men are sub-men, who do not do things as manly as other men do. I mean I’m that way, but the stereotype makes me feel guilty for it.

SC276: I’m fairly effeminate myself, I think, so got your back there.



Rye Mash closed his eyes and admitted that he had been watching the way that Starjammer moved. Starjammer’s hips swayed more like a mare’s hips when he walked. His tail bobbed and flicked in a most inviting way. Starjammer wore his mane and tail a little longer than most stallions.



Scarlet: I never thought I’d be saying this to Rye Mash, but for god’s sake JUST FUCK HIM ALREADY.



Starjammer was, in fact, quite pleasing to look at, and it was a pleasure to watch the way that Starjammer moved. The stallion was graceful, sleek, and meticulous with his appearance.



Scarlet [Starjammer]: “Ninety-nine brushies every morning. And not a one less.”



There was something about the pouty expressions that Starjammer made, the way his lips protruded and the way his eyes narrowed. The way his mane spilled down over his face, covering his eyes.



Scarlet: The way this paragraph has gone on far too long.

SC276: Oh my god, author, why does this get this much attention.



The way that Starjammer blew his mane out of his face, snorting in frustration when it would not stay back.

Rye Mash opened his eyes and gave himself a good shake and he felt his balls slap up against his inner thigh.



Fallen Prime: Teen.

Scarlet: Hey no penetration so it’s not really sex amirite?

SC276: *rubs his eyes* I’m OK with the guy being bi. But does it require this much face-shoving?



The cold blew over all of the right places, cooling him off and making him feel better.

“He’s pretty. There, I said it. He’s pretty in the same way mares are pretty and it shouldn’t matter that he’s a stallion.”



Scarlet [Rye]: “So why does he refuse to wear the adorable dress I sewed for him?”

[Velvet]: “POTENTIALLY BECAUSE UNIT-RYE SEWED ‘RYE’S BITCH’ ONTO THE HEM OF THE SKIRT.”

[Rye]: “Well, it’s accurate.”



But it did matter. Rye Mash sighed, allowed his ears to go limp, and then enjoyed the feeling of them flapping in the breeze. Rye Mash couldn’t figure out why it mattered.



SC276: Oh my god, you’re making me feel bad for being bicurious. Where’s the end of the part already?!



Feeling confused, he tried to clear his head once more so that he could think better, but his mind continued to race as fast as his heart.



Scarlet: Which I presume means his heart was running at tortoise-speed.



“Why do these things have to matter?” Rye Mash asked himself, glad to hear his own voice outside of his mind, away from the confusion.



Scarlet [Rye]: “I’m rather glad I perfected the art of disassociating at an early age. It makes being despicable that much easier!”



“Why does who you find pretty have to be so complicated? Why does a set of balls have to make things so difficult? Why am I so squeamish about all of this?”



Scarlet: Just fuck already!



Nopony answered and Rye Mash was left alone with his thoughts.

Author's Note:

Updates should be fairly regular for a while. I have material planned out for quite a while.



SC276: We’ve got more, I’m sure.



I once found a typo kind of attractive. She was a font of attractiveness.



Fallen Prime: And now you’re running your own calls for post-publication proofreading into the ground.

Scarlet: Aaaaaand, done! I made it! I made it to the end! And while I had more fun riffing this fic than I’ve had with the previous three riffs combined, this is still the most painful experience I’ve put myself through this week. Fuck Kudzu!

Fallen Prime: #FucKudzu

SC276: Let’s trend this, people. Set Twitter ablaze, assuming Topher hasn’t yet.

Scarlet: So, thoughts everyone? Because so far we’ve had three fillies offer themselves to Rye, and this part has officially gone the farthest and most disturbing. The poor zebra and earth pony managed to get out of dodge, but Woe is stuck along for the ride, and I’m just glad that our alt-continuity is giving her the fortitude to keep things going.

SC276: Let’s see… More characters that need us to be interesting, super-prototype ship with lightning guns, the rest of the plot given away, and way too much time spent on re-evaluating sexual orientation. Oh yeah, and the quiet genius unicorn I’m pretty sure is a Rainman stereotype or something. The bisexual only makes it worse. Fuck this guy, something with a ship holding a freaking lightning gun should be freakin’ decent!

Scarlet: I was going to give the author credit for coming up with Woe and then I realized that Steel and I did, so there’s that. The Catch may be terrible, but at least it’s the kind of quantum terrible that leads to me trying to fix things.



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Oh, this is gonna be fun. Take it away, Steel and Scarlet.

Steel: Hoowah! More Catch! More riffings to be had! I, I feel like this whole ‘build excitement’ thing’s been done.

Scarlet: Previously on “The Catch”, Rye Mash didn’t bugger a filly’s backside and we’re supposed to feel like he’s heroic for that. Also a bunch of stuff happened in the meta-story, the group captured the world’s most technobabble airship, and I learned the true meaning of riffing.

Steel: Magical times had by all.

Scarlet: Well, if by magic you mean “Staving off soul-crushing pain”. As the meta-story grows more perverse, the main story seems determined to just jump off the edge into boring oblivion. I hope we have more ludicrous violence in this last part, or I’ll feel gypped.

Steel: Maybe Kudzu’s just forcing us to write via the boredom of this story. It’s working, if you ask me.

Scarlet: A cursed technique that endlessly repeats itself, perpetuating a self-feedback loop of boredom until all the world is a pile of endless “meh”. That is The Catch. That is the enemy we stand ready to riff. *cracks knuckles* Bring it.

RingmasterJ5: But there’s something special about this part, a first in F/F/T3K history. Do either of you want to explain?

Scarlet: Take it away, Steel. Let them know the good news.

Steel: For the first time in F/F/T3K, we’re actually caught up with the story at this point!

Scarlet: REJOICE, YOUNG RIFFERS. YOUR DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.

RingmasterJ5: To clarify, what that means is that for the first time, we have to wait until Kudzu writes another 12K or so words before we can make a part five. Will he keep writing it? Will he try to fuck with us in the next few chapters if he ever finds the riff? Will he abandon the story entirely for altogether unrelated reasons? No one knows, since this is the first F/F/T3K riff this has happened in.

Scarlet: I’d be so much more excited if I hadn’t lost my soul and three kidneys trying to finish this thing. Fortunately we have MORE good news!

Steel: Ahhh, here’s the bit I WANTED to do! Also, quite possibly a first in F/F/T3k history, there’s something else that, whether Kudzu continues or not, will be continued by us. Innnnnntroduciiiiing...!

Scarlet: Hold it! Let’s save it for the end. Make people suffer as WE will suffer.

Steel: Bleh. Well, extra inspiration to get to the end. Trust me, though, we’ll make it worth your while. It’s certainly helped us recover from the terrible ‘meh’ness of work. ...Heh, I made a word pun there.

Scarlet: Without further ado! Ladies, gentlemen, and crystal gems, I give you the last part for some time of “The Catch.” Let us riff this with all our might!

Steel: TO ARMS, MEN! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

SC276: EULALIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Topher: LEEDLE LEEDLE LEEDLE LEE!

Sigma: MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!



Chapter 15



Steel: Jesus Christ, we’ve been through 15 chapters? This is a hell of a marathon.

SC276: Eh, I’ve riffed longer.

Sigma: ‘Tis but a scratch on my sanity.



Captain Spyglass paced back and forth, looking at the troubling sight that was the gold pile.



SC276: Gold Sun! Gold Sun! Gold Sun!



It made his blood run cold and he felt tingles running up and down his spine with each glance. The gold, the scrolls, and everything else that had been found in the hidden cache.



SC276: Let me guess, cursed bodies that turn into skeletons under moonlight are involved?



Over the past two days, the worry in his mind had grown, ever since this cache had first been found.

“The scrolls might be enough print for us to break down the cipher and figure out what we are looking at,” Bloody Velvet said as Spyglass continued to pace.



SC276: Why would scrolls and pieces of individual parchment be enciphered in the same way? Like, who goes to the trouble of enciphering something so big? I mean, besides the alchemists in Fullmetal Alchemist?

Scarlet: The sweetfish river that runs through my childhood h- er, sorry. Was busy composing an epitaph.



“Rye Mash just needs time, so he says. He’s smart and he’s clever. I think he can do it.”



Sigma: [Velvet] “UNIT RYE IS VERY EFFICIENT WITH THE PROPER MOTIVATION.”



“I think I’ve already done it,” Rye said in a low voice. “I haven’t confirmed it and read everything just yet, but I think that it is a ladder cipher.



SC276: ...Google’s just giving me information about Ladder-DES and its parent, the Feistel cipher, both of which are block ciphers that operate on blocks of bits, and thus were made for computers. There’s an Amazon Kindle book that’s apparently about them, but like heck I’m paying a single red-green cent to understand something in this fic.

Topher: I understood some of those words!



I finally had enough words to work with. I need time to translate it.”



Sigma: [Rye] “Let me pull up Google Translate real quick…”



“Ladder cipher?” Spyglass asked. “This is wonderful news… do you think you’ve cracked it? What is a ladder cipher? I’ve never heard of such a thing.”



SC276: Do tell, author.

Sigma: [Rye] “You have to read it while you’re falling off of a ladder.”



“A ladder cipher is a complex cipher that displaces letters and requires some guesswork.



SC276: If a user that has the key - and is supposed to - has to guess, it fails as a cipher.

Topher: I can make ciphers that require guesswork too! Watch me! GHJ LNK F TIPPLER WEQON! Just guess each letter, you’ll get it eventually.



If you have a five letter word, like say, the word ‘cheek,’ the first letter might be five letter up or five letters down in the alphabet. The second letter will also be either five letters up or five letters down in the alphabet. If you have two of the same letters in the middle of the word, one will be up, the other down, making it harder to form a pattern and guess. To read this, I’m gonna have to go through and arrange each word letter by letter, trying out the different words they form until I get a working sentence,” Rye Mash replied.



SC276: Um, I’ve got a fascination with codes and ciphers, and I’m not sure I can even parse that. Like, for starters, five letters up or down from where?

RingmasterJ5: It’s worded quite poorly, but I get it. A better explanation would be something like this: You have a code, like “cl vukgz”. The first word is two letters long, and the second is five, which is how many places in the alphabet you have to shift each letter. Like, “cl” is two letters long, so you shift the “c” two places to get either “e” or “a”, and you shift the “l” two places to get “n” or “j”. Meaning, you get either “ej”, which is not a word, or “an”, which is. Also, if there’s a double letter in the word, the first is always up, and the second is always down.

SC276: Ah, I see. So “vukgz” would have each letter shift five places up or down. v = a/q, u = p/z, k = f/p, g = b/l, z = e/u. The actual word seems to most likely be “apple.”

RingmasterJ5: You got it. I have a bit more to say about all this, but I’ll save it for the part later on where he reveals the code in question.

SC276: ...Large proper nouns are going to be an absolute nightmare in this system.

Topher: ...I’m surrounded by dorks.

Sigma: Oh please, like that’s anything new.



“So… each letter is treated like a rung on a ladder, and the word itself is the key to tell you how many rungs to move either up or down?” Bloody Velvet asked, her muzzle scrunching up in concentration and her ear twitching from a petite spasm.



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT BELIEVES THIS CODE IS BULLSHIT.”



Rye Mash nodded. “I think. I think that is what we are dealing with. I need time, but I have a suspicion.”



Sigma: [Spyglass] “I have a suspicion that you’re an idiot.”



“You have all the time you need, Mister Mash. Have any more caches been found yet?” Spyglass gave the crew of The Apogee a hopeful look.

“Just this one, two days ago,” Bloody Velvet replied. “We’re still looking.”



SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT BELIEVES THE SEARCH WOULD YIELD BETTER RESULTS IF WE WERE ALLOWED TO DESIGNATE OURSELVES AS PIRATES.”



Sitting down upon the floor, Captain Spyglass turned to look at the pile of gold once more. This much gold was dangerous. This much gold could inspire a fair bit of greed. Make a pony desperate. This much gold, if word leaked out about it, could cause all manner of trouble to come looking for them.



SC276: Gold fever, author, we freakin’ get it. I’m sure I’m not the only one here to have watched DuckTales.

Scarlet: If the family starts squabbling over an inheritance, let me know. I’ve been meaning to put an epitaph up someplace.



He turned and looked at Bloody Velvet.



Sigma: [Spyglass] “Melt it down and make it into a statue of me.”



“I’m tempted to dump it over the side and let it fall into ocean,” Captain Spyglass said, admitting what he had been thinking. “That much gold can make a pony mad. Do bad things to their mind.”



SC276: So wait, riffbait is made out of gold?

Scarlet: Fool’s gold.



“Sir, that would be a bad idea,” Bloody Velvet replied, shaking her head. “This could be useful to our cause. This could help us fight.”



Topher: [Rye] “Think of all the cartoonishly impractical guns we could buy!”

Sigma: I demand my chainsaw-shotgun!



“Velvet, I look at that gold and I can’t help myself. I think that I could get out of this life. Set up my own kingdom somewhere, perhaps on some island.



SC276: [Spyglass] “...I just realized that means Rye thought of the same thing. We need to dump this yesterday.”



I must confess, I am tempted.” Captain Spyglass turned his head to look at the gold once more.

“Being tempted is fine, act on it, and I’ll kill you.” Bloody Velvet’s words were cold, emotionless, and spoken in a flat monotone.



SC276: I think her emotion circuit cut out for a bit.



“And you’d be right to do so… funny… gold has a magic all its own. Dragons kill for it. Wars are fought for it. Kings can never get enough of it. Brothers betray brothers for it.



SC276: Everyone knows it. Once, it is rumored, a man drank his fill of it, much to his regret. Others prefer it in small doses for small ills. Some describe it as the sky, the land, an age, a tongue, fire, bird, fish, flower. It is captive. It is free. Worshipped and lost, loved and eschewed, pure and corrupt, black and white. It is found in the deepest well and on the highest mountain. It is animal, vegetable, mineral. And if anyone recognized where I got that from without looking it up, I got a shitload of cookies for you.



It would be better for us all if it was dumped over the side.” Spyglass shook his head and an expression of regret settled over his face.

“I am inclined to agree with Captain Spyglass. I don’t like how all that gold makes me feel,” Rye Mash said in a low whisper. “And I don’t like how Starjammer can look at it and be disgusted. It makes me angry at him for some reason, and I don’t like it.”



SC276: Hey, you don’t want it, we’ll take it. I’m fairly sure only half of it will be spent on booze, brain bleach, and painkillers. What’s left can be used for professional masseuses and video games.

Topher: Shotgun shells ain’t cheap, I gotta keep this pistol loaded somehow. How else, will I senselessly kill people?



Starjammer’s ears perked up and he turned to look over at Rye Mash. He snorted, shook his head, his tail twitched, and then, without warning, he pressed his muzzle against Rye Mash’s and surprised the other stallion with an open mouthed kiss, slipping his tongue between Rye Mash’s unsuspecting lips and tickling the roof of Rye Mash’s mouth.



SC276: ...Does vast riches always turn him on?

Scarlet: Everything turns Rye on. Or did you mean Jammer?

Topher: If so, second verse same as the first.



His eyes wide, Rye Mash pulled away, licking his lips, and staring at Starjammer.

“I must return to The Whalefish.” Captain Spyglass heaved a sigh.



SC276: [Spyglass] “No offense to anyone’s lifestyle, but I would like that image out of my head right now.”



“Starjammer, please be gentle with my cabin colt. I do need him in one piece when we arrive in Trottingham.”



SC276: [Spelljammer] “I could reassemble him afterwards.”

[Spyglass] “...Close enough.”



Woe Betide let out a faint squeak and continued concentrating, holding up a book over head. Failure to keep holding the book up over her head would cause the book to come crashing down upon her head.



SC276: Head and head but head or head because head...



She felt a bead of sweat form under her mane on the back of her neck, along her crest. It tickled as it trickled down.



SC276: What a completely necessary detail.



Letting out a cry, her concentration broke.



SC276: A bead of sweat freaks you out? Wimp.



She winced, waiting for the thump on her skull, but it never came. She opened one eye and looked around. She saw Starjammer and there was a kind, patient expression upon his face. His horn was ignited. She saw the book levitated away and set back upon the bookshelf.



SC276: Oh c’mon, how’s she going to learn if you keep coddling her like that?

Topher: Let the little bastards die, it’s the only way they’ll learn.



“Am I getting better?” Woe asked.

Nodding, Starjammer’s head bobbed in an agreeable way.



SC276: That is what nodding is, author.

Topher: Actually, his head was bobbing in the water, after Rye cut if off, gave it a good old-fashioned skull fucking, and chucked it over the side. Hey, if you randomly kiss him, he gets horny.



“You never say much,” Woe said.

Starjammer’s head bobs ceased and his head turned from side to side.



SC276: Just say he shook his head. Stop padding out the word count.

Topher: Only supporting my floating in the ocean theory.



“Can you tell me why?” Woe asked. “Please?”



Sigma: [Starjammer] “Because I’m a poor character.”



The stallion nibbled upon his own lip, put on the spot by the curious filly. His eyes darted around, as if hoping to spot some way out of this predicament so he could keep his silence.



SC276: Buddy, you’re surrounded by like half a dozen anticipating riffers right now. Your chances of escape are roughly that of escaping an RPG boss fight.

RingmasterJ5: And no, as obsessed as some of us are with Undertale right now, “sparing” is not an option.

Scarlet: Mostly because I took the precaution of destroying the “mercy” button before this riff began.

Topher: What’s mercy?



He took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and then said in a soft voice, “Better to do than say.”

“I don’t understand. Explain.”

Starjammer slumped over and let out an exasperated sigh as a pained expression crept over his face. “Actions.” He paused for a moment and looked Woe in the eye. “Not lip flapping.”



SC276: So apparently “actions speak louder than words,” is too wordy for him.



“Is this why you keep sneaking up on Rye and kissing him? You’re showing him, rather than telling him?” Woe asked.



SC276: Apparently old-timey Equestria hadn’t developed the concept of “personal space” yet.



A wide toothy grin spread over Starjammer’s face and his head gave an enthusiastic bob in reply to the curious filly that had asked just the right question.



SC276: Actions like this just makes him appear like a Hollywood autistic or something.

Scarlet: “You don’t go full Starjammer. You never go full Starjammer.”



His eyes twinkled with merriment.

“Is it weird to kiss another stallion?” Woe looked up at Starjammer and blinked.

Shrugging, Starjammer waved a hoof around.



Scarlet: Let me answer that for you in the most unambiguous way I can, Woe: NO.



“Is one set of lips the same as any other?” Woe Betide, overcome with curiousity,



SC276: British?



wished that Starjammer would just say something. Anything.

Staring up at the ceiling and refusing to look Woe Betide in the eye, Starjammer nodded.



SC276: This is turning into a conversation with Big Mac.



“Have you kissed Bloody Velvet yet?” Woe Betide asked in the most innocent voice she could muster.

The stallion, staring at the ceiling, began humming.



SC276: I’m pretty sure if he suddenly kissed her, she would rip his head off.

Topher: If Rye didn’t beat her to the punch. That boy sure loves his skull-fucking.



“I think it’s neat that you’re kinda girly.” Woe Betide gave up all pretense of being innocent and went right for the throat. “Maybe some perfume would get Rye’s attention. He sniffs things a lot. I noticed it when I was helping in the kitchen.”



Scarlet: [Starjammer] “Are you shipping me?”

[Woe] “The more time he spends ogling you, the less time he spends ogling me.”



Starjammer’s head snapped downwards with alacrity



SC276: I can’t believe that’s actually a word.

Scarlet: And it’s one of the several stages of learning Celerity! Starjammer was a Toreador the whole time!



and his eyes almost bored a hole through Woe Betide. One eyebrow began a slow, almost glacial pace as it crept up his forehead. His nostrils flared.



SC276: *grabs a fire extinguisher*

Topher: *Smacks fire extinguisher out of SC’s hand* Just let it burn.



“Bloody Velvet says I need to act more girly and stop saying words like bugger so much.” Woe Betide’s shoulders rose and fell as the filly sighed.



SC276: Particularly in regards to her receiving such buggery, seriously we’re tired of hearing it.



“I don’t know anything about being girly and I always feel funny when she lectures me about trying to be a proper lady.”



SC276: And then Woe was Suzy from The Keys to the Kingdom books.

Scarlet: Let’s hope we don’t end up on a submarine.



Woe looked over at her teacher. “Maybe we should take lessons together.”

Considering the foal’s words, Starjammer reached up and began to rub his chin with his hoof. He nodded and looked Woe in the eye.



SC276: The idea of an emotion-suppressed killer like Bloody Velvet running a “proper lady” school is hilarious.

Scarlet: Today’s lesson: How to wash blood out of your petticoats!



A headache was forming and Rye Mash closed his eyes for a moment to rest them. He had uncovered one message so far that disturbed him a great deal. A short, brief message that had burned into his brain.



Sigma: [Rye] “‘All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.’”



Kr ku xeqa irb qeb Prk vq vhw dkg ijqaw omvi vcfds.



SC276: OK, I’m gonna do this on my own doc and not here in case anyone else wants to try.

RingmasterJ5: Before you start that, can I just say how fucking dumb it is that the cypher was presented by Rye thinking it?

SC276: And not the plaintext translation of it?

RingmasterJ5: Exactly. Kudzu could’ve easily had him say it back up there with the explanation, but instead he has him read back the untranslated code here. There is no reason it should be untranslated at this point after he already solved it, other than to make the audience work. Having it back up there as he was trying to solve it would’ve flowed so much better and… I’m rambling again.



The implication of the words were terrifying.



Sigma: [Rye] “This cipher expired three months ago!”



It had taken him a while to solve the ladder cipher, including a loop that went from beginning back around to the end,



SC276: You mean looping around the alphabet? Like every Caesar shift does?

RingmasterJ5: The story keeps trying to build Rye up as being exceptional at this kind of thing, but the one example they gave is laughably easy… well, besides the poor explanation.

SC276: One would think if he was such an expert, he would be able to explain it a little better.



but the meaning of the words were clear. And chilling.



Sigma: And somewhat in need of an editor.



He wondered what House Avarice was planning.



SC276: You mean besides what you just uncovered? Given they’ve been established as basically Evil Inc., probably everything.



Other messages talked of putting an end to Princess Celestia and driving her out of Equestria somehow, while others talked about unicorns seizing control of the sun once more, and by doing so, seizing control of the world.



SC276: Way to spoil it for the people who didn’t do the cryptography, author.

Scarlet: I think this might actually be dumber than the cipher.



Whoever controlled the sun controlled all life on the whole world by extension.



SC276: Unless, of course, the night lasts forever. Someone get me a line to the moon.

Scarlet: Here. It’s prepaid. *hands over a cell phone*

SC276: Thanks. ...Yo, Nightmare Moon, how’d you like to get out earl-? ...No, this isn’t a crank call. ...No, I’m not entirely sure how a phone got up there. ...Yes, even years before it’s invented. ...Huh, I just got disconnected. I think her end went up in a puff of logic.

Scarlet: It’s because you didn’t accept the magic. It’s your fault. *huffs*

Topher: Don’t worry. I have a plan to get a message to the moon! *Pulls a pigeon out of his pocket* Oh. Uh... do pigeons need heads to live? I think this might have gotten too close to the piranha.

Sigma: You could always just shoot a portal on it and throw the message through.



House Avarice it was said, came from Princess Platinum and the unicorns that had once controlled the sun. The only thing that kept them from ruling the world was the fact that they were a noble house, and not the royal family of Equestria. Princess Celestia was the sole monarch of Equestria, although there was a lot of talk that she was little more than a puppet now, a figurehead.



SC276: No, I’m pretty sure she knows what the heck she’s doing. Better than I’m doing right now.



And given the nature of the cipher, Princess Celestia’s future seemed grim.



SC276: Oh gee, the ponies defined by greed strong enough to sell their own kind out as entreés are planning to take over the world. How surprising.

Scarlet: Doesn’t this plan strike you as terribly self-destructive? They’re wealthy, clearly able to avoid the law, and are in a good position with Griffonholm. If Equestria falls, isn’t that going to just mean several uprisings, invasions by neighbors who want to take advantage of the power vacuum, and the likely loss of their status and ability to profit from the disturbance? You don’t shit where you eat.

SC276: All good points. On the other hand, money.



“Skeeter, what are you doing up and about… are you feeling better?” Bloody Velvet asked in a low voice as she looked the pegasus over. He wobbled a bit but seemed to be moving around okay.



SC276: How does being Glasgow’d hinder his walking?

Scarlet: Pinkie’s ancestor started up a chorus of “Smile” and it broke him.



The pegasus shrugged, paused, and nodded. He made his way to a comfortable chair and sat down. His face was still swollen and Skeeter made no effort to speak. Skeeter’s distinctive cerulean blue pelt was glossy and still somewhat damp after coming out of the shower, his dark blue mane was ever darker from being wet.



SC276: And suddenly description, way too late for anyone to care.



“Something ever messes up your face again and I hope Rye shoots them,” Bloody Velvet said



SC276: One, he’s assigned to be Rye’s bodyguard, so taking messes to the face is kind of his job. Two, Rye doesn’t need much of an excuse to shoot people.

Scarlet: *looks down at the bullet wound in his chest* ...Case in point.

Topher:... Wow, that one actually wasn’t me!

Sigma: How the hell are you lot accomplishing that crap? We’re on the internet! Do you have stand powers or something?

Scarlet: Witchcraft. Although I haven’t ruled out Topher actually being the goofy alt-persona of that one guy from Vento Aureo.



as she got up into Skeeter’s face and began looking him over. “It’s healing well. Swelling seems to have gone away. Does it feel hot?”



SC276: [Velvet] “DO NOT LIE. UNIT-WOE HAS UPGRADED THIS UNIT’S HEAT SENSORS.”



Skeeter shook his head, causing his mane to tumble down into his eyes.

In a moment of unexpected tenderness, Cerise Velvet kissed Skeeter on his other unwounded cheek and then she stepped away. “Brave little pegasus. You’ve earned that scar. Don’t you ever be ashamed of it, do you understand me?”



SC276: [Velvet] “IF UNIT-SKEETER DOES NOT, THIS UNIT WILL REMOVE EMOTION ‘SHAME’ FROM UNIT-SKEETER’S SYSTEM. MANUALLY, IF NECESSARY.”



More of Skeeter’s mane tumbled into his face as he nodded. Reaching up with his left foreleg, he pushed it back.



SC276: Riveting.

Scarlet: This is turning into a running gag. How.



When Rye Mash stumbled into the common room, Bloody Velvet could see by looking at him that there was something wrong, and not from peeking into his mind. His eyes were red, bloodshot, his ears were limp, and he looked just awful.



SC276: ...I’m not seeing what’s extraordinary about that.

Scarlet: Well, usually you can see his guns sitting around him dripping indescribable fluids.



She felt his headache for a moment and then backed out of his consciousness. Rye’s straw coloured mane looked limp, stringy, and unkept, which was worrisome. Rye was prissy and not one to let his appearance go. He kept his mane combed and neat looking.



Scarlet: Yes, truly all bi people are total fops uh-huh yeah exactly this is a total truth ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I hate everything.



Lifting her hoof, Bloody Velvet pointed at a chair. “You,” she said to Rye Mash. “You sit down. You look like you could use a drink.”



SC276: [Velvet] “DO NOT WORRY. THIS UNIT HAS REGISTERED THAT MOTOR OIL IS NOT ALWAYS AN OPTION FOR OTHER UNITS.”

Topher: I’ll take a motor oil on the bolts! Wait, no! Do you have any gasoline? We can make Cartinis!

Not replying, Rye Mash went over to the chair that Velvet had pointed at and fell in with a grunt. His head fell down upon the overstuffed arm of the chair and he lay there, limp and unmoving.



SC276: Overstuffed…? Do they have recliners or something? On a ship?

Scarlet: Woe constructed them using clouds and empty supply sacks.



Bloody Velvet opened a cabinet, pulled out a decanter of whiskey, a glass, and she poured Rye a drink.



SC276: How do you pull an action out of a cabinet?

Scarlet: Clearly the “ACT” button was hidden in there.



She levitated the glass over to him and watched as he took it in his own telekinesis. She saw him sip it and then grimace as the fierce whiskey burned his throat.

“The whole world is going to burn,” Rye Mash said in a low, raspy voice that had been burned by whiskey.



SC276: That’s only if you piss us off enough. And we somehow manage to fire nukes through the fourth wall. Also, redundant burns.

Scarlet: I forget how he’s even injured/drunk.



Author's Note:

Hopefully somebody can solve the cipher. The rules to do so are here in the chapter.

Good luck!



RingmasterJ5: It is actually really easy once you know what to do, but for those that just can’t be bothered (seriously, though, it’s trivial), just highlight here: “It is time for the Sun to set and never rise again.”

SC276: The only reason it means what it means is because Sunset Shimmer isn’t born yet. Yeah, this definitely would’ve benefitted from the plaintext being in the fic itself. Every time Gnommish comes up in Artemis Fowl, all the story-relevant parts are translated, for good reason.

Scarlet: Spoilers- that is the dumbest, most vague message ever sent. Aside from the cipher, it’s barely even in code about its intent, but includes nothing of value as far as logistics, personnel required, and gah what STUPID STUPID STUPID. Fuck this shit, I’m solving the epitaph of the golden witch. Again.



Chapter 16



Trottingham awaited.



Steel: Oh aye, matey? That be the place wiff all them noble lasses? A good place for a pirate, aye! God, I’ve been doing Assassin’s Creed too much...



The sky was grey with clouds, fog, and soot. Burning coal poured black smoke out of almost every chimney and black ash fell down like snowflakes. The Apogee drifted beside The Whalefish and both vessels were becoming soiled from the filthy air.



Scarlet: And also from Rye’s emissions.

Steel: [Rye] “Swear to the Goddess, if someone suggests Mexican night again...”

SC276: We get it, author, it’s industrial-era London. Let’s just move on already.



Rye Mash felt a tingle of excitement.



Scarlet: Which, apparently, he’s about to grace us with again. Lovely.

Steel: [Rye] “Almost all the way through last night’s dinner!”



This was a new city for him. A grand place, a fantastic place, a place storied in song and fireside tales all over the civilised world.



Scarlet: I know Nandos is supposed to be pretty good, but I didn’t think it was legendary!

Steel: Is this gonna be another Zanarkand?

Topher: Yes, those are indeed words.



This was one of the world’s largest cities. It sprawled in all directions, endless rowhouses, narrow streets, plain looking squares and rectangles for buildings.



Scarlet: Funny, I thought fantastic geometry was supposed to be non-Euclidian.

SC276: Wait, I thought they were heading into gryphon territory? Granted, it’s been a month and I don’t track this as closely as others, so I’m probably forgetting something...



“Rye?” Bloody Velvet called out Rye’s name, trying to get his attention after she had poked him and there was no response. “Rye, are you there?”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “UNIT-RYE, PLEASE RESPOND TO VERBAL STIMULUS OR THIS UNIT WILL BE FORCED TO RESORT TO PHYSICAL.”

[Rye] “Oh, darling, you know which of the two I prefer.”

Steel: [Velvet] “UNIT-VELVET WOULD PREFER NOT UTILIZING PHYSICAL STIMULUS IN PUBLIC.”

[Rye] “...Darn.”



“Sorry.” Rye turned to look at Velvet.



Steel: [Rye] “I was busy thinking about how you’d look in a noblemare’s dress. You were saying?”

SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT HAS WORN SUCH DRESS BEFORE. IT WAS DESIGNATED IMPRACTICAL AND IMMEDIATELY DESTROYED.”

Topher: Implying Rye will be associated with anything practical.



“You’ll have some time to explore but I doubt we’ll stay here for long. We’re here to see the Broker and take care of some other business.



SC276: The Broker? Like… a title name? What is he, a True Fae?



Captain Spyglass is going to need you to be your most charming when we visit the broker.



Scarlet: [Velvet] “IN HIS WORDS: DO NOT ASK TO SCREW OR MURDER ANYTHING FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE.”

[Rye] “Ah, my love, you know such promises are beyond my capacity to make.”

Steel: [Velvet] “UNIT-SPYGLASS THUS SUGGESTED WEARING SOMETHING REVEALING, IF YOU PROMISED.”

[Rye] “I suppose exceptions could be made...”



I’m not allowed to go because of being a telepath. Makes him nervous. So you are going to guard Captain Spyglass. Everything should be fine. Just be polite.”



SC276: That’ll end well.

Topher: Taking all bets, guys! Taking all bets! I got twenty to one odds that Spylgass gets the axe! Any takers? Any Takers?



“Okay.” Rye Mash returned to looking at Trottingham.



Scarlet: In that moment, Rye Mash became a bigger liar than he was previously.

Steel: [Rye] “Hehehehe... I invented crossing hooves for this very purpose...”



“This place is a horrible cesspit.



SC276: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Topher: Or better jazz bars.



Rye, be careful.



SC276: We must be cautious.



They have some bad attitudes about unicorns here in Trottingham. Be careful what you say, be careful with your magic, just… be careful,” Bloody Velvet said.



Scarlet: So in other words… *clears throat* “~There’s a hole in the world, it’s a great black pit/and it’s filled with people who are filled with shit/and the vermin of the world inhabit it!~”

Steel: [Velvet] “...IN ESSENCE.”

[Rye] “Aptly put, my dear. Very good rhythm as well.”

[Velvet] “UNIT-WOE ADJUSTED MY MECHANISM FOR DETECTING RHYME IN POEMS.”

Topher: But did she include the subroutine to tell Rhymey to shut the fuck up?



“Starjammer refuses to come out,” Woe Betide said as she trotted up next to Velvet.



Scarlet: [Woe] “I’m not entirely sure why. He’s not going to pass as straight anytime soon.”

[Velvet] “THIS UNIT THEORIZES HE WISHES TO MINIMIZE THE CHANCE OF A PUBLIC ROMANTIC CONNECTION TO UNIT-RYE”

[Woe] “Ah. Should’ve guessed.”

Steel: [Rye] “Give him time. He’ll come around to my sterling physique and white-hot attractiveness soon enough.”

[Woe] “Oh, I don’t even know where to begin with debunking that...”



“Starjammer is far too in love with his own snowy white pelt



Steel: [Rye] “Not sure why, it wasn’t that white last night.”

[Woe] “Cease and desist.”



and that silvery blonde mane and tale of his…



SC276: It’s a whale of a tale, I’ll tell ya lads.



I have never, in all my life, seen a pony quite so vain.”



SC276: That depends entirely on what the original species of Vanity from Jack was.



Bloody Velvet shook her head as one of her hind legs quivered. “He’s allowed to get away with it though, cause he’s handsome. Right, Rye?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Mmmhmmm, yes, and he makes the most delightful mewling sounds when you nibble on his-”

[Woe] “I know I’m precocious, but I’m nine. Please wait until I’m at least below decks.”



Saying nothing, Rye stared ahead at the filthy city. It started to drizzle and murky rain oozed down from the dull grey clouds. Everything looked the same; endless boxes of rowhouses stretched out as far as the eye could see.



Scarlet: BEHOLD, THE FANTASTIC VISTAS OF MAGICAL TROTTINGHAM! *waves arms majestically*

Steel: [Woe] “Ye Gods, and here I thought Rye’s room was a mess.”

[Rye] “Mine? What about yours?”

[Woe] “What about mine? ...Wait, have you been coming into my quarters?!”

[Rye] “Just... heard things.”

[Woe] “...Velvet, remind me to install new locks. About twenty of them.”



There were big brick factories near the coast. The seawater was a disgusting brown sludge with shimmering oily rainbows upon its greasy surface.



Scarlet: Rye immediately drank some and smiled.

Steel: [Rye] “Mmmmm, the sweet taste of progress... soon to be my progress...”

[Woe] “Your progress towards the latrine, perhaps...”

SC276: I love how the industrialism pretty much runs counter to the general medieval stasis of the show.

Topher:*muttering to himself* Just imagine the River Ankh, this is in Ankh-Morpork, CMOT Dibbler will sell them a sausage, and the story will be over...



“What’s that smell?” Woe Betide asked.



Scarlet: [Woe] “Apart from the stench of Rye’s semen, I mean. I’ve unfortunately become rather used to that.”

Steel: [Rye] “It does not smell that bad! Velvet, tell her!”

[Velvet] “UNIT-VELVET HAS GROWN RATHER USED TO THE SMELL AS WELL. IT IS SOMETHING ONE GROWS ACCUSTOMED TO.”

[Rye] “...Smells fine, see?”

[Woe] “Somebody help me...”



“Trottingham,” Velvet replied, shaking her head. “The city sits at sea level, more or less. When the tide comes in, it pushes all the sewage back through the sewers.



SC276: And no one building the city planned around that?



As a result, the streets are quite literally full of—”

“Shite?” Woe Betide finished.



Scarlet: ...I was kidding with the Sweeney Todd reference.

Steel: [Woe] “So essentially, Rye’s room?”

[Rye] “My room is not full of shite.”

[Woe] “I beg to differ. Though I wish I did not have the information with which to do that.”



“Yes, Woe, you, uh, said it quite well. I was going to be a bit more polite about it.” Velvet glanced down at the foal. “You’re staying on this ship and you are not to leave.”



Scarlet: [Woe] “Why would I want to? You’re offering me a good couple of hours away from Rye to spend some time with the most beautiful craft a filly could ever spend time aboard!”

[Velvet] “...THIS UNIT SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING. THIS UNIT’S FORESIGHT CAPACITOR APPEARS TO BE MALFUNCTIONING. AGAIN.”

[Woe] “Oh dear. C’mere, girl, I’ll see about a quick fix…”

Steel: [Rye] “Can I watch you play with her?”

[Woe] “No. No. No. Just no. No forever.”

SC276: Nope nope nope nope SO MUCH NOPE.



“Oh, I don’t want to go down there… there are all kinds of ponies that would probably love to bugger my backside or do all kinds of just awful things to me.” Woe Betide shuddered.



SC276: Can canon!Woe please stop talking about getting fucked, please and thank you.

Topher: Yeah! We’re the ones who make the sexual implications around here!!



“I like it here. It is warm, dry, there is food, and all of you are nice to me.”



Scarlet: [Woe] “In addition, I have discovered how the weapons system of the Apogee operates, and I’ve mapped all controls to my own magical signature.”

[Velvet] “UNIT-WOE, DID YOU JUST EFFECTIVELY SEIZE CONTROL OF THE VESSEL?”

[Woe] “Oh, I didn’t need to seize it. This ship and I were meant to be.”

Steel: [Rye] “Shall I break out the wedding bells and prepared vows?”

[Woe] “Did that yesterday. I am Mrs. Apogee now.”

[Rye] “...I find it vexing that a nine-year-old married a battleship.”

[Woe] “Thus you wear my horseshoes for a day.”



“And your backside remains undiddled,” Rye said.



Scarlet: I’m dropping the meta-riff for this line because I just want to express that every time Kudzu brings up the fact that Rye is awesome because he didn’t fuck a nine year old up the ass when he had the opportunity, I die a little inside.

Steel: [Woe] “I really wish you would stop talking about that, Rye.”

[Rye] “The voice in my head keeps bringing it up.”

[Woe] “Give me one of your pistols, I’ll fix that problem for you. And a thousand others in the process.”

[Rye] “My pistols answer only to me, nobody else.”

[Woe] “Because they have only been in your hooves, and none better. At least they can’t possibly do any worse...”



“Rye, do not let anything happen to Captain Spyglass. I mean it. You don’t understand how important our work is. He is vital to our cause.



SC276: Because you’re like the only other officer in the original canon.



I know I tell you not to be blood thirsty and not to recklessly shoot other ponies or griffons, but if something does go wrong for whatever reason, you don’t hold back, do you understand me?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “All I heard for the past minute was that you want to watch me compose a symphony of blood, my sweet. And I shall, in your honor.”

[Velvet] “THIS UNIT REGRETS THAT SHE HAS NO CAPACITY TO BLUSH.”

[Woe] “Oh, vexation. I suppose I could add that.”



“Yes, Bloody, I understand you…”



Scarlet: [Rye] “You’re the only pony who can understand the paths my mind takes. You and Annalise.” *kisses his shotgun*

Steel: [Woe] “Oh good Goddess, get a room. All three of you.”

SC276: I’m amazed anyone’s considered ever calling Velvet that.

Topher: Similarly, if things start to get worse, I’m shooting everything in this room.



The streets were in fact, full of dung. Filthy congealed muck oozed over the cobblestones.



SC276: Someone was rather fixated on a particular detail while learning about the Industrial Revolution in high school.

Topher: The one kink Rye isn’t into.



Rye Mash and Captain Spyglass rode together in a hansom cab



SC276: Does it pull one? Certainly not.



that was driven by a small griffon. Rye Mash, wrapped up in his cloak, was armed to the teeth and very, very alert.



SC276: How are all his guns fitting under that thing, and how can he even move?

Topher: He can walk, but leaves a trail of bullet holes in the cobbles underneath him.



Spyglass, also wearing a heavy cloak, was watchful as well.



Scarlet: The cloaks, meanwhile, all attempted to flee from Rye Mash. They were summarily executed.

Steel: The resulting crossfire took six lives.



“Watch those foals,” Captain Spyglass said in a low voice.

“Foals, sir?” Rye Mash eyed the foals following after the hansom cab.



Scarlet: [Rye] “So you WANT me to diddle one of them in the-”

[Spyglass] “I will maim you.”

Steel: [Rye] “...So is that a—”

[Spyglass] “Say another word, I will impale you through the heart on your shotgun.”



“Mister Mash, if those foals stop the cab, I do believe we will be robbed. If one of them approaches to beg for coins, give them a good scare and stick him in the snoot with your pistol.



SC276: [Spyglass] “And remember to take your magic off the trigger first.”



That should send a clear message. I hope.” Spyglass was nervous and his eyes darted back and forth as he tried to take in everything around him.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “I instantly regret giving you free reign to threaten children.”

[Rye] “My heart sings the sweet songs of murder-fucking!”

[Spyglass] “Huh. I had no idea I could regret things any more than I did already.”

Steel: [Rye] “You learn new things everyday with the future World Emperor.”

[Spyglass] “Such as how many different ways I could kill you with a shotgun, without firing it. Enlightening.”

[Rye] “Lessons to apply to future battles, Captain. Proud of you.”



Rye loosened one of his pistols from the holster and waited. One of the foals was trotting alongside the cab now, looking up with a hopeful grin. Rye noticed that several pegasi were sitting up on top of the roofs of the rowhouses, looking down. This was all very interesting.



Scarlet: [Pegasus #1] “So, who do you bet on?”

[Pegasus #2] “Five bits on the foal on the right with the corkscrew.”



When the foal jumped up onto the step, Rye Mash drew his pistol and placed the end of the barrel just below the colt’s eye. The colt froze, shrieked in fear, pissed himself, and then jumped down. The other colts took off running and the pegasi up on the rooftops flew off.



Scarlet: [Pegasus #1] “COME BACK HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU OWE ME FIVE BITS!”

Steel: [Rye] “...Damn it, trigger got stuck.”



Rye Mash sheathed his pistol and resumed his watch.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Don’t worry, Dante. You and I will have plenty of time to catch up while we wait for your next chance to paint a portrait of brain matter...”

Topher: What the hell kind of name is “Dante” for a pistol? See, I give mine cool names. *Draws his pistol* I believe you’ve already met Reginald Quincy Bandersnatch the third esquire!

Scarlet: Topher, I’m so glad you’re in this riff. Every time I write for meta-Rye I just look over at you for inspiration.



The Broker, as he was known, was a scrawny unicorn with glasses and only three legs.



SC276: See, you know he’s badass because he’s a unicorn in a city that hates unicorns. And I’m not willing to put aside him also being a god on earth.



His eyeglasses were thick and made his eyes look tiny. He had several pegasi with him and a few unicorns.



Scarlet: Who, remember, are not supposed to be well-liked in Trottingham. Continuity!



The meeting took place in a shabby, run down rowhouse with ratty furniture.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Ah, a ratty bordello’s remains. My natural habitat!”

[Broker] “Kid, you’re fucked up.”

Steel: [Rye] “Merely well-learned of ‘slumming it’, as the commoners put it.”



Rye Mash stood close to Captain Spyglass, who had sat down in a chair that was covered with a tattered blanket. The living room was small, almost cramped, the Broker’s bodyguard’s had trouble all fitting into the small room together.



Scarlet: [Pegasus #3] “You’re standing on my hoof!”

[Unicorn #1] “Well, you keep fondling my rump!”

[Rye] “Actually, that was me. Sorry, gents.”



“I apologise for these conditions,” the Broker said in a reedy voice. “But I am a wanted pony. House Avarice has placed a high price on my head, as have the griffons, a number of diamond dogs, and the king and queen of the Shire Isles.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “You just made those up.”

[Broker] “Not at all. Incidentally, the raised danger of this meeting is going to be reflected in my fee.”

[Spyglass] “Oh I detest you.”

Steel: [Rye] “Detest? I say that twist deserves a slow clap.”

SC276: And apparently not enough underworld connections to get a bigger venue.



“It is understandable,” Captain Spyglass replied. “Not only do I have your package, but I have a great deal of information and my cabin colt has cracked the ciphers we have been finding.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “I used a corkscrew and the decoder ring I got with my breakfast cereal!”

Steel: [Rye] “It was quite effective once it stopped telling me every word was ‘penis’. Just required a bit of percussive maintenance with the corkscrew!”



“I am interested.” The Broker sat up straight in his chair. “How much for your cabin colt, might I ask? Intelligence is a rare and precious commodity, more precious than gold or gems.”



Scarlet: Wait what.

Steel: [Rye] “More than you could possible aff—”

[Spyglass] “Ten bits.”

[Rye] “What?!”

[Spyglass] “Be mindful of his weapons, they’re well used.”

[Rye] “Captain!”

[Unicorn #1] “Sir, he’s touching me again...”

[Broker] “...Does he always do that?”

[Spyglass] “No.”

[Rye] “To every single pony I meet and I will not leave yours alone if you purchase me.”

[Broker] “...On second thought, I will pass.”

[Spyglass] “Damn it...”



“Flatterer.” Captain Spyglass’ eyebrow raised. “He is not for sale. He has proven himself quite capable so far. I am sorry, but I am certain you will understand. Not only is he smart, but he’s damn good at shooting things I don’t like… how does one put a price on that?”



Scarlet: Spyglass why are you haggling this guy just asked to engage in human trafficking your entire shtick is killing slavers what the actual fuck why.

SC276: [Broker] “Given I just figured a price for his intelligence alone, I’m sure I can figure something out.”



One of the pegasi began to snicker.



Scarlet: Damn right he’s laughing! We’re barely a page or two into the chapter and already Kudzu forgot the premise of the story!



The Broker shrugged and then continued with his business. “House Avarice has put out quite a price upon one of their own sons, a stallion by the name of Starjammer. It seems as though there were some killings.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Ah, yes, those. I got hard just thinking about them.”

[Spyglass] “Too late to pay you to take him?”

[Broker] “Yup.”

SC276: This would be bit of a revelation, except I’m pretty sure this was all covered before.



Starjammer also is reputed to know a number of interesting facts about House Avarice, seeing as how he is one of the high ranking members. Rumour has it, he has been travelling by airship. If you were to run into him, you would do well to hire him on as a crewmember, if you can. He’s on the run from ponies who are very, very serious about killing him.”



Scarlet: Thank you, pointless advice-dispensing NPC. Too bad that Kudzu placed you too late into the quest for your information to do any good!

Steel: Damned quest planners.

SC276: [Spyglass] “Way ahead of ya there.”



Spyglass nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind.” The pegasus settled back into his chair. “We captured a prototype ship called The Apogee.



Scarlet: [Broker] “Not what I hear. From what I understand, that’s captained by a nine year old now.”

[Spyglass] “Long story.”

[Broker] “I’m listening.”

Steel: [Unicorn #2] “And don’t hog all the popcorn this time!”



On the ship were quite a number of interesting things, but most of it was encrypted correspondence.



SC276: [Woe] “How can you not consider the guns that shoot lightning the most interesting thing?!”

[Spyglass] “What are you doing here?!”



We’re still sorting through the information, but in my saddlebags I’ve brought copies of the things we’ve decoded so far and a number of business ledgers.”



Scarlet: [Broker] “You still haven’t explained how the nine year old ended up with the world’s most advanced prototype warship.”

[Spyglass] “To be honest, I’m still working that bit out myself.”



“Good.”

Rye noted that this Broker fellow, whomever he was, seemed pleased. He looked around the room, noting that none of the Broker’s bodyguards were hostile. In fact, all of them seemed quite like pleasant fellows.



Scarlet: [Rye] “So, any of you gents up for a quick roll in the hay with myself and Larissa here?” *holds up pistol*

[Bodyguards] “NOPE”



Rye began to suspect that he and Spyglass were in no danger from the Broker and his guards, but rather, those hunting the Broker.



Scarlet: His intellect has finally leveled up past “house mold” and is approaching “fruitfly.”

Steel: Rye levelled up!

SC276: “I feel so upgraded!”



“I get the feeling that this is going to be a profitable exchange.” The Broker smiled. “I would love to stay and chat, but right now, a number of agents are no doubt destroying the place where they thought this meeting was taking place. I took a great risk in coming here to this location, and I’d rather not stay. I must bid thee adieu.”



Scarlet: [Broker] “Also, the way your ‘Cabin Boy’ keeps making eyes at me is disconcerting.”

Steel: [Spyglass] “You get used to it...”



The Broker pointed down at a oilcloth canvas courier bag sitting beside his chair.

Captain Spyglass took off his saddlebags and set them down upon the ground. The two ponies looked at one another for a while, then nodded. As the exchange was being made, a burly pegasus peered out of the dingy glass of the front window.



Scarlet: [Pegasus] “Someone save us.”

[Rye] “Oooh, don’t be like that! Don’t you want to see me do some more fun ‘tricks’ with Marie-Louise?”



“My cabin colt has left instructions on how to read the ciphers. Some of the material I have left for you has not yet been translated. When next we meet, I would like to know what it says, if possible,” Captain Spyglass said.



Scarlet: [Broker] “It just says ‘Eat at Grillby’s.’”

[Spyglass] “...Damn it.”

SC276: And why couldn’t he just have Rye translate those later? Isn’t he officially their intelligence officer now?



“Understood. It has been a pleasure seeing you, as always,” the Broker replied.



Scarlet: [Broker] “And as always, I’m a consummate liar.”

Steel: [Rye] “Give me five minutes, I’ll make an honest stallion out of you...”

[Broker] “I don’t swing that way.”

[Rye] “Didn’t you just say you’re a consummate liar...?”

[Broker] “...He’s giving me those eyes again.”



With the bags exchanged, the meeting was over. The Broker stood up on his three legs, his movements stiff and clumsy. He looked at Rye Mash, peering at him through the thick lenses of his glasses. The frail unicorn smiled.



Scarlet: [Broker] “And you, kid… take it from me. Keep your legs intact and you and that pistol you’re fornicating with will go far. I respect how few fucks you give.”

Steel: [Rye] “Sound advice, and I appreciate the respect. As to you, sir.”

SC276: I’m waiting for this guy to try and kidnap him for his abilities now.



“You play a dangerous game, cabin colt. Good luck… some of us keep playing for the love of the game… just remember, there are no rules other than to survive…”



Scarlet: I have a sudden urge to tell Rye he’s going to have a bad time.

SC276: Sounds like a crap game to me.

Topher: Actually there are rules. It’ just that they change on a whim. Life is like a big game of Calvinball in that respect.



A different hansom cab, this time the pony pulling the cab was also the driver.



Steel: So the gryphon pulling the last one was just whipped?

SC276: Probably to keep him from eating the foals trying to rob his passengers.



Rye Mash sat wrapped up in his cloak, worried about keeping his guns dry. This cab had horrible suspension and he could feel every cobblestone they passed over. Rye Mash kept his eyes open for trouble, keeping watch for any orphans.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I want to add at least one child to my harem before the end of today!”

Steel: [Spyglass] “Yes, please do, and in doing so give me a reason to kill you.”



“Mister Mash, I do not know if you understand how much trust I have shown you this day, but you should know, you are trusted,” Spyglass said as the hansom cab rocked back and forth.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “As far as I can throw you, and that isn’t very far given I can’t bring myself to touch you knowing what you’re stained with.”

Steel: [Rye] “The love is felt, Captain.”

SC276: So far I think Rye’s been with the crew a few months, but given to get his reputation, Spyglass has to have been doing this shit for years, so that seems really quick to trust relatively.



“I get the feeling that we are more than privateers.” Rye Mash gave Captain Spyglass a teasing smile. “So just who is this Broker fellow?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Do you know his address? Living relatives who might notice if I kidnap him for a night of whirlwind lovemaking?”



“No one knows who he is exactly. His name remains unknown.



SC276: [Broker] “That is because literally no one has asked.”



But he is an ally. We meet once in a while to exchange information.” Captain Spyglass scowled as the rain continued to come down in a steady, filthy torrent. “I don’t know how he has managed to live for so long. Everypony wants him dead. He continues to live, much to the dismay of many.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Including myself. I hate that bastard.”

Steel: [Rye] “Living here makes you a bit of a party pooper, doesn’t it?”

[Spyglass] “I ever mention I hate you as well?”



“So I am guessing that the information that you gave to him, he passes it along to others like us… fighting whatever it is that we are fighting. And the information you got from him is information that ponies like us have given to him,” Rye Mash said.



Scarlet: [Rye] “In other words, we just went on a roundabout journey to get information we already knew!”

[Spyglass]: “...You’re right. God damn it.”



“Yes, Mister Mash, and you are quite clever in your deductions,” Spyglass replied.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “I feel so used.”



Deep wrinkles appeared in Rye Mash’s muzzle as his brain worked overtime. “So there is a whole bunch of ponies like us, fighting a good fight, trying to do the right thing. But I guess we don’t have a leader and we don’t really know about each other so that way if some of us get captured, we don’t have much to say.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “So somewhere out there I have a vast army, ready for the taking?”

SC276: So it’s basically the model of the Internet, except rebellious ponies.

Topher: So… /mlp/?



“Correct, Mister Mash.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Now please stop hyperventilating.”



“When you said that not many unicorns would choose this life, you weren’t just talking about serving aboard an airship, were you?” Rye Mash asked after having a flash of insight.



Scarlet: Dropping the meta-riff again just to say that I swear, the story thinks this is supposed to be some kind of plot twist or revelation. And it isn’t. It just… it’s almost adorable how amazing it thinks all this is.

Topher: Words cannot describe how dumb this is. I mean, I had no clue this was meant to be a twist. There was NO CHANGE to the status quo.



“We are working to tear away the excessive privileges of unicorns in Equestria… and many other places in the world. I fear that would make you quite unpopular, Mister Mash.” Spyglass turned and looked at his cabin colt for a moment. “You really are quite remarkable.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “If nothing else, I’ve never seen a pony with a wang that flame-resistant.”

[Rye] “The fiery passion of Annabeth and Ramon is too much for most to handle. For me, it is effortless.”



“Why?” Rye asked.

“Why what?”

“Why are we doing this?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “I mean once I take over I’m going to conscript people into my slave-harems anyway. Wouldn’t it be more economical to just leave them there to start with?”

SC276: Why does anyone do anything?



“Because, Mister Mash, all it takes for evil to be triumphant is for good ponies to sit back and do nothing. I make no claim to excessive goodness, but I sleep well enough at night.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Also, no slave-harems. There are perfectly good prostitutes in the world.”

[Rye] “But I have to pay for those!”

[Spyglass] “...Also Velvet.”

[Rye] “Aaaah, my queen of the night…”



“I see, Captain Spyglass.”



SC276: Yes, say the name of a criminal out loud while traveling with him in a public area.



“Once we have returned to the ships, feel free to take a little shore leave. I know that some of the others have. Watch out though, this is a rough city for sailors.” Spyglass resumed his vigil and kept his eyes upon the world around him, alert for danger.

Author's Note:

Soon, very soon, we introduce Mousy and Oola Roo.



Scarlet: ...Those cannot be actual character names. That’s a random word generator throwing up on the story.

Steel: Who the fuck names their kid ‘Oola Roo’?

SC276: Clearly a parent that doesn’t love their child.

Topher: Fun fact, “Roo” is just a nickname. The parents named her “Oola La Somebodysgonnagetlaidincollege”



Chapter 17



Trottingham was a disgusting city; Rye liked it for what it was.



Scarlet: [Rye] “It’s like a reflection of my soul! I shall make it my capital once the world is under my hoof.”



While it might have been fun having a companion to explore with, Rye could live with seeing the city alone. Skeeter was still healing and didn’t want to get filthy water into the cut on his face.



Scarlet: [Rye] “As an added bonus, this city is naturally vampire-repellent!”



Starjammer didn’t want his pelt soiled and was probably hiding for other reasons as well.



SC276: Reasons you damn well know, you git.



Bloody Velvet was with Spyglass procuring supplies and provisions.



Scarlet: [Rye] “They’ve promised me something ‘special’ later this evening.”



All of which meant that Rye Mash was alone while exploring the wonder of industrialisation that was Trottingham.



Scarlet: Jesus fuck. I thought Pen Stroke was padding his story two weeks ago. Can we go b- no? No? Okay then.

SC276: And what’s wrong with the rest of the crew? Maybe Telescope wants some time out to curry favor with the future emperor.



The rain had let up but the clouds had not cleared. Rye wasn’t sure that the clouds could clear, the sooty black cloud over the city seemed to be a permanent fixture, blotting out the sun and leaving the city in a smoggy, blighted state.



Scarlet: Much like this story slowly blots out hope as I continue forward.

SC276: The pegasi in this town are freakin’ lazy.



In front of one of the factories was a showroom that had a sign that stated “Come and see the self pulling carriage.”



Scarlet: Then who the fuck was pulling those hansom cabs earlier, cab gnomes?



That intrigued Rye, but the showroom wasn’t open and would not be open until tomorrow, which was disappointing. Another sign on the factory said “The future is steam—full steam ahead towards tomorrow!”



SC276: “See, it’s funny because it’s using a turn of phrase that won’t be invented until steam-driven riverboats are popular-” “We get it.”



Steam did seem to be the future,



RingmasterJ5: Not if Greenlight keeps shoveling piles of shit onto it.



but not the dirty coal powered steam of Trottingham. Rye Mash had already seen steam powered boilers that ran on various means of arcano-tech, such as The Whalefish and The Apogee. But coal was cheap and you didn’t need armies of unicorns to make things that would boil water.



Scarlet: No, you fools! The carbon footprint! I keep warning you, and you just won’t listen!



Everything was sooty brass and grungy bricks. What windows there were had a slimy black film on them that shimmered, slick with oily rainbows.



Scarlet: ...Do I need to make an ‘oily rainbows’ count?



Rye Mash could see the future in the steam powered city of Trottingham, and the future looked filthy.



SC276: Speak for yourself, buddy.



Each and every puddle in the street was sewage and more oil slick rainbows. It was beautiful and disgusting at the same time.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Much like myself.”



“Come and see the fuel of tomorrow… liquid coal! Yes, you heard me, that’s right, liquid coal! A new extraction process from Germaney takes the energy of coal and puts it in concentrated liquid state! One ton of liquid replaces two point five tons of lump coal!”



Scarlet: It’s so cute that Kudzu thinks he’s writing actual steampunk.

SC276: ...Wouldn’t that be oil?



a street hawker yelled from the back of a wagon. “You can burn it in lamps! Power a boiler! Cleaner burning and won’t make your food taste like coal dust!”



Scarlet: Well, I’m bored. Anyone want something from Grillby’s?

RingmasterJ5: If someone over there asks you if you want spaghetti, say no. He doesn’t actually work there… and the spaghetti’s not great, either.

Scarlet: Oh, I home cook all my spaghetti. *PUNCHES A TOMATO WITH FORCE*

SC276: If you can get like a pizza or something, that’d be great.



Rye Mash stopped and watched the pony hawking the promise of liquid coal from the back of the wagon as coal dust fell all around him like dirty black snowflakes, covering everything in a fine layer of sooty grime.



Scarlet: There has to be a point to this, right? This is going somewhere? Because like, every minute I spend reading this is a minute I could be editing that Bebop crossover my boyfriend wants to do.

SC276: I actually got a game concept that’s inspirational enough to get through my game programming course, and I want this over with so I could work on that, thank you.



“This secret formula produces no pollution when it burns! No black gunk covering your city!” The hawker held up a glass jar over his head. “See, it is clear as water, one hundred percent clean!”



Scarlet: [Hawker] “...Or it was, until… who the fuck just ejaculated into my sample?”

[Rye] “HA!”



If something sounded too good to be true, it probably was. Rye Mash suspected that it was water in the jar. Or it could be clean burning liquid coal. Or it could be liquid coal that produced pollution that one did not see.



Scarlet: [Rye] “But whatever else it is, it’s also my semen!”



Either way, it sounded too good to be true. Rye got a move on, knowing that he only had so much time before he had to be back aboard The Apogee.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Last time I left Woe alone with Velvet, she reprogrammed her to insult me every five minutes during sex. Kinky, but not really my thing.”

SC276: Thus rendering this whole scene, most likely… *ding* completely pointless.



Rye Mash heard music. He stood in what appeared to be some inner city oasis. There were cafes, little art galleries, coffee shops, curio shops, and little stores of all kinds.



Scarlet: *walks back in* Soo, the good news is I got Grillby’s. The bad news is I can’t find the food underneath all this grease. The best news is I missed nothing of importance.

RingmasterJ5: Also, is it just me, or should some of these shops not have existed 200 years ago?

Scarlet: Or, you know. On a street literally filled with shit.

RingmasterJ5: ...That too.



It reminded him of Canterlot, only a whole lot filthier. There was a doll shop that produced beautiful little pony dolls that had brushable manes made from what the sign claimed was real pony hair.



Scarlet: Again. Filled with shit.

RingmasterJ5: It’s like he forgot about that description immediately after writing it.

SC276: ha ha real world reference so clever



Ahead was a large building that had a sign that had nothing but a black kettle upon it. It looked like a tavern. A lot of ponies streamed in and out of it. Rye, curious, thought he would have himself a look.



Scarlet: There be wenches in a tavern, after all.



He passed through the busy streets, pushing his way through the crowd, grinning and having a good time.



Scarlet: Unlike those of us who have to follow along after him, anyway.

SC276: Why is there a crowd on a city where the streets are basically made of wet manure? Is it like that particle cloud that surrounds living beings that we’ve evolutionarily ignored the smell of?



The Kettle, as it was known, may have been the most depraved place in all of Trottingham…



Scarlet: It was the home of the dread unnecessary ellipses!

SC276: A wretched hive inside a wretched hive? Hive-ception!



It was hard to think and even harder to breathe. The air was stifling and smelled like hot, sweaty pony. The sound of hundreds of ponies talking all at once assaulted Rye’s ears.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Aaaand, there you are, boner. I missed you for the ten seconds you were away!”



Rye shoved his way through the crowd, trying to get away from the door, his nostrils crinkling from the stench of urine, as well as other horrible smells.



Scarlet: Wait he was trying to get away from the door? While trying to get in? Wh… Kudzu, buddy. Do you even proofread?



Mares danced upon a well lit stage, but everything else in The Kettle was dark.



SC276: Oh, so it’s like that waterfront dive from The Great Mouse Detective.



The grimy windows were so covered in filth that no sunlight made its way inside.



Scarlet: What, no oily rainbows this time?

SC276: The last time they tried cleaning them, the patrons hissed.



The floor was sticky, covered by something so foul that Rye Mash didn’t want to know what it might have been, but likely a congealed mess of coal soot, sewage, vomit, and who knew what else.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Well, adding a little more won’t hurt I suppose. Let’s have at it, Marvin von Blastingham!”

SC276: Isn’t that… basically what he’s been walking around in outside? These ponies need to learn to clean their hooves on the mat.



This was the sort of place that epics were written about. This was the sort of place where world weary adventurers went to have fun. This was the sort of place where adventure happened. Rye Mash had some very romantic notions about the dirty cesspit he found himself inside of.



Scarlet: Notions of making sweet, sweet love to the tables and chairs.

SC276: With how much of a literal shithole this city has been made out to be, how could he be thinking romantic anything?



Looking around, Rye Mash saw a stallion with his head crammed under another stallion’s stomach. It took him a moment to realise what was going on.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Can I join you, sirs?”

[Stallion] “Sorry, mate. One at a time.”

[Rye] “I shall take my revenge for being spurned later.”



He jerked his head away and looked at the bar with hundreds of shiny glass bottles, grateful to be looking at, well, anything else. He took a deep breath and felt a little too warm.



Scarlet: Rated T for Too Much Sex.

RingmasterJ5: You should see his other T-rated fic, where a sentient grape plant penetrates a bunny in the ass so it can use its poop for fertilizer and holy fuck do I wish I was kidding.

Scarlet: ...What.

RingmasterJ5: Or the part where the main character unintentionally masturbates a living female sword that used to be a pegasus to climax, or the part where he blew a raspberry into his wife’s ass, or maybe even the part in the first fucking chapter where he’s raped by a female manticore. All from the same fic.

SC276: ...The fuck is wrong with this author.



“Fight starts in half an hour!” a pegasus shouted. “The pegasus known as the Bricklayer will be fighting the giant rat! Place your bets now!”



Scarlet: I’m sorry, I do believe that sentence broke my ability to even.

SC276: It wasn’t broken already?



Giant rat? Rye Mash had to see that. It would have to be enormous to give a good fight to a pegasus. He pushed his way through the crowd, moving towards the back, where a group of ponies was pushing through a wide double door.



Scarlet: Well, at least this promises to be ludicrous and violent. I got my wish.



It wasn’t a giant rat. Rye Mash didn’t know what it was, but it wasn’t a giant rat. It had a long tail, was well muscled, and was almost rodent-like, but it was not a giant rat.



Scarlet: It was at best a moderate capybara, or perhaps a Dire Chipmunk.

SC276: I suppose the muscles are keeping it from being more rodent-like than it is.



He couldn’t see it very well from his vantage point, but getting closer to the cage where the creature was kept was impossible.



Scarlet: I sense an upcoming party member. So much excitement.



There was a large pit that went down into the floor and a massive dirty, disgusting mirror upon the ceiling where ponies could see the fighting that took place in the pit. Rye Mash thought the setup was rather clever, but he felt bad for anything kept as a slave and forced to fight in a pit.



SC276: Now you’re making me feel guilty for my Mushroom Bowl battle writeups series.



The creature in the cage looked miserable.



Scarlet: Well, yeah. It’s in The Catch.



“Somepony help me!”



Scarlet: ...Did the fic just become self-aware?

Sparkz: O_O SC! The fic’s talking back!

SC276: Sparkz, get outta here! You’re not even in the right continuity!

Sparkz: Oh. Sorry! *leaves*

Scarlet: *looks on in mild amusement* Um… wait, wh… I’m missing something. Is anyone else missing something?



The voice was feminine and rather squeaky. It got Rye’s attention and he saw a blue-grey filly approaching. She was small, slight of build, and had a mane so black that it appeared to have blue streaks in it.



Scarlet: Small… slight of build… Kudzu are you even… what. I. Argh. How are you popular?

SC276: A mane so black that parts were blue? Did someone beat it up?



“I’m being forced into a marriage!” the filly said as she pushed her way through the crowd, which seemed to be ignoring her. “Somepony help!”



Scarlet: [Filly] “Seriously I’ve been reduced for shouting for help at a random bear-baiting exhibition, which is totally not a suspicious thing to be doing!”

SC276: You ran into a crowded seedy bar, starting a cockfight, instead of getting the hell out of dodge? I’d be honestly surprised if she didn’t live here all her life.



Feeling a swell of pride as well as a burst of excitement, Rye Mash pushed his way to her side, shoving his way through the herd of ponies, and bumped up against the filly. “What seems to be the trouble?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Tell me… how do you feel about eloping?”

Steel: [Filly] “Eloping, running, escaping, I don’t care, I just wanna get out!”



“I have a debt… and I am going to be forced to marry a big smelly oaf!” The filly looked frightened, panicked even, and gave Rye Mash a pleading look. “Can you help me?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Well, he probably wants your virginity. Fortunately, I can solve that problem quite easily.”

Steel: [Filly] “Sure, anything you want, just get me out!”

SC276: ~Take me away… to the secret place…~



Rye Mash looked around and realised that nopony else seemed interested in helping and as he reached this conclusion, he saw a big pegasus push his way into the room, followed by a gang of somewhat smaller pegasi. The crowd parted to get out of their way after they entered.



Scarlet: Oh look, a mid-boss and a mook squad. Let’s see how long they take to clear out!

SC276: Is Rye still completely covered in guns under his cloak? I’d make a bet that these guys would be no threat, but let’s face it, no one would take it.



“Ah, Mousy… there you are. I told you what would happen if you ran… now I am going to break your leg to teach you a lesson and give you a good dry cornholing, you squeaky little bi—”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “You idiot! You’re laying it on way too thick! You were supposed to scare him after I persuaded him to pay off the ‘debt’!”

[Pegasus] “...oops”

[Mousy] “Christ above, you are the worst con partner I’ve ever had!”



There was an ominous click that silenced the big pegasus. Rye Mash had pulled out the pepperbox, the four barreled pistol and was pointing it at the big pegasus.



SC276: ...Is it supposed to act something like the peppershaker from Alice: Madness Returns?



Rye Mash kept his other guns under his cloak. There was no need to pull out everything he had… yet.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “...Well, shit. The mark’s armed and focused on you now. Sorry, gents, it was nice knowing you.”

[Pegasus] “Boss?”



The pepperbox had four barrels, each of them quite cavernous, large enough to stuff a whole carrot down inside.



Scarlet: Rye had checked thoroughly.

Steel: [Filly] “...Why’re those barrels leaking white stuff?”

[Rye] “I relaxed before coming here. Seems I’ll need another session after this...”



As far as raw intimidation went, it was a fantastic weapon, and it did its job very well.



SC276: For actual firing, haven’t you tested it turin the last couple months so you know what it exactly does? You know, besides have more holes for you to fuck than an actual woman.



The big pegasus eyed the gun and there was a glint of fear in his eye, something that Rye Mash took note of.



Scarlet: [Pegasus] “Boss, you can’t just-”

[Mousy] “Ditch you for someone who knows how to handle a piece? Damn straight I will. I’m a con. You all knew that when you signed on.”



“Now, I do believe you were just talking about rape… let’s discuss that,” Rye Mash said, still pointing the pepperbox at the big pegasus.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Any positions to suggest for our imminent liaison?”

[Pegasus] “BOSS DON’T LET HIM DO THIS-”



“Look, stay out of this, you grubby little twat,” one of the smaller pegasi said as he moved up beside the larger.



Scarlet: [Big Pegasus] “Galestorm, don’t, man! Look at his eyes, he’s crazy!”

[Rye] *licks his pistol seductively*

Steel: [Mousy] “Woah.”



“Manners, good sir,” Rye Mash warned, giving the pepperbox a little wave. “I’ve shot plenty of foul mannered foes for far less.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “And since the lady here seems quite willing to come along with me, you lot are the only ones resisting your inevitable time with the one and only me. Don’t worry, I only bite if you want it.”

Steel: [Pegasus] “...Help...”

SC276: Meanwhile, all the other bad guys in this joint have apparently taken cover inside the cockfight pit.



“I don’t think you have the stones,” another pegasus said, moving forward and off to the side. “I think this one is all talk… I say we should take him and sell him to Stubbs… Stubbs will be happy to sell this prissy little shite’s ass around the Barrens.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “And this is why I’m ditching you featherbrains.” *sighs and waits for the bloodshed to begin*



Rye Mash became aware of the fact that he was being flanked.



SC276: I thought that happened when he got his cutie mark.



He started backing up, glancing around, and the blue-grey filly moved along with him at his side. “Don’t think I have the stones, eh?”



SC276: I’m sure he has the staff to differ.



Rye Mash grinned and brought out the scattergun from beneath his cloak, sliding it out from its leather straps.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Funny, I just emptied their contents into Lady Belmont here!”

SC276: I’m guessing he got that one specifically for killing vampires, but jerkass pegasi will do in a pinch.



He pointed it at the pegasus attempting to flank him. The short barreled shotgun made a number of pegasi gang gasp.

“Look, we don’t need this sort of trouble. How’s about I pay you a few golds and you just walk away, how’s that sound?” the big pegasus asked.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Oh, we’re getting warmer… but I much prefer my payment to be in blood or semen. Your choice, gents. Both is an option.”



“Yeah, you big lummox, you don’t seem so tough now, here’s a situation where you can’t just have your way or take what you need, you dirty asshole stretching genital wart!”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Oooh, sharp tongue! I wonder how else you can use-”

[Mousy] “Don’t push it, bub. I’ve got a nerve pinch spell trained on you right now.”

[Rye] “...You don’t happen to know a filly named Woe, do you?”

[Mousy] “Eh? Distant relation, good kid, likes fancy toys. Yeah, we get along just swell.”



“I’m gonna have words with you later, Mousy,



SC276: Good thing you said it here, because aside from Scarlet’s last riff there, I had no idea who spoke that last line.



I’m gonna enjoy ripping your ass—”

“Shut up,” Rye Mash commanded, pointing the pepperbox at the big stallion. “Leave. Now. Walk away if you want to live.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Your asses are all my property.”

Steel: [Rye] “Feel free to stay if you want me to work your plots into something livable.”

SC276: Walk away if you want to live. That’s, like… reverse Terminator.



More ponies began to push their way into the room and the big pegasus grinned. “Ah, here we go. Backup. Now you were saying, you scrawny little shite?”



Scarlet: [Big Pegasus] “See, boss? I brought all of us into one place! You should stick with me!”

[Mousy] “Birdbrain! That’s a narrow entrance, and he’s got a scattergun! If he weren’t starin’ into his weapon instead of firing it, you all would be bloody stains on the walls!”

[Big Pegasus] “...oh.”



Rye Mash swallowed. Things were getting interesting. He pulled out the two pistols that Bloody Velvet gave him, the two long barreled pistols that he had taken from the griffon captain, and the scoped pistol he had purchased in Tradewinds. Feeling a little braver, he pulled out the shotgun.



SC276: I thought you weren’t at high enough a unicorn power level to work each of those independently?



“This should even the odds a little. Who wants to die first?”



Scarlet: [Random Pegasus] *Nervously begins to raise wing, then lowers it*

[Rye] “Excellent!” *shoots him down*



“You can’t shoot all of us,” the big pegasus said in a voice that quavered with fear.



SC276: Watch him.



“You will be overwhelmed… your guns will be taken. If you walk away now, we can just forget that this even happened. Just walk away.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Not until I’ve got my orgy, gents. I’m feeling rather hungry at the moment…”

[Mousy] “Christ, what a palooka.”



“Aye, he might have more guns under that cloak of his,” a pegasus said, backing away and moving off to one side. “Rush him from all sides. He can’t shoot all of us.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “Nope, pretty sure he can, boys. You might wanna back out of the doorway now, I don’t like having to wash blood out of my hair. Bit of a mess.”



“First pony that takes a step towards me dies,” Rye Mash said in a low voice.



SC276: And then he shoots at someone on the horizon moving in his general direction.



The big pegasus, nervous, blinked a few times and then took a step forwards. And that was when the trouble started.



SC276: And that was when a line was taken almost directly from the Miramax version of The Thief and the Cobbler.



Rye Mash was a pony of his word. The shotgun winked, vanishing for a moment, and then reappeared behind the big pegasus.



Scarlet: [Big Pegasus] “Boss, please don’t let him-”

[Mousy] “Sorry, big guy. He did warn you.”



When the trigger was pulled, a load of fire and nails went into the big pegasus’ groin, dropping him to the floor.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “*sigh*... what a waste of good muscle.”

[Rye] “I prefer taking the other end, anyway.”

RingmasterJ5: It’s worth noting that in The Chase, THIS is Rye’s legacy. He’s literally known as the “shotgun rapist” in that.

SC276: If my freakin’ legacy was shooting people in the groin, I’d want the next ship out of the universe.



As this was happening, Rye Mash fired one shot at the cage behind him with one of his pistols, blowing the padlock off of the door. There was a creak from the rusted hinges as the door opened.

“Oooh… ol’ Oola Roo is about to do some ass kickin’,” the creature said as she climbed out of her cage. She lifted her hands and cracked her knuckles.



Scarlet: [Oola] “Right, that does it! I’m sick of all this standoff shit going on in here! Everybody on the ground or I’m going to rip some wings and horns out of sockets!”

SC276: Rye is so fuckin’ lucky this Rat Creature is sentient.



The stunned pegasi stared and nopony moved.



SC276: Yeah, they can’t believe it either.



Rye Mash stood, two guns still smoking, looking around, waiting for more trouble. Rye Mash began to reload, using his magic to do so.



Scarlet: [Oola] “You know how long I was trapped in that goddamn cage? SIX YEARS! Six years of repression! Six years of the only action I’ve had bein’ fist to hoof! So now I’m gonna take a little bit of cold, hard revenge where I can!”

SC276: You only used two guns, you got like six more left! You don’t need to reload right now!



“Follow me, we’re going,” Rye Mash said to the filly at his side. “You there, whoever you are, you are free to do as you please.”

“They’ll just catch me again… I’ve already escaped a few times,” the creature replied.

“Then come with me,” Rye said as he stepped forwards.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I throw the best orgies!”

[Oola] “....Fascinatin’. Tell me more, you sick son of a bitch.”

Steel: [Rye] “Gladly, though I prefer my locale to be a bit more red. I’ll tell you here if these good fellows make enough trouble.”



Snarling, one of the pegasi lunged forwards, angry, hot headed, and he was very, very fast. Rye Mash pulled the trigger and shot the incoming pegasus in the head, dropping him to the floor. Blood began to pool around the body.



SC276: [Rye] “Nice of you to oblige, good sir.”

Scarlet: [Mousy] *whistles* “Yeah… yeah I made the right call. See you later, saps. I got some new muscle to bring around to my way of thinking.”

Steel: [Rye] “Honestly, a blind rush straight towards the gun? No wonder you ditched them, love.”

[Filly] “I like to think of myself as a smart opportunist.”

[Rye] “Heh, you and I will get along just fine.”



“Come on, let’s go,” Rye Mash said as he made his way to the door.

“Screw the lot of you, you filthy smegma suckers,” the large bipedal rat-like creature said.



SC276: I’m still saying she’s a Rat Creature. As a matter of personal choice, I’m refusing to go with anything else.



She raised her fists in defiance.



Scarlet: [Oola] “And I do mean That I Will.”

Steel: [Rye] “...Tell me, what do you think of harems?”

[Oola] “Depends on who’s in them, but typically favorable.”

[Rye] “I like you.”

SC276: Won’t argue with a good harem.



Leading the way, the pegasi now staying back, Rye Mash pushed his way into the next room, which was almost empty now.



SC276: I thought they were just in the front room with the bar. Space is distorting in here more than *shudder* that fic.



Only a few brave ponies had stayed behind to watch, to wait, and to see what was going to happen next.



Scarlet: [Bystander] “...Was that a double triple cross rape-threat-orgy?”

[Bystander #2] “I’m not sure, but I don’t think I’m sticking around to ask. Let’s book it for Grillby’s.”



The bartender, a unicorn, looked at Rye Mash.



SC276: I thought this town hated unicorns.



“I’d run if I was you. No doubt there are quite a number of pissed off unicorns coming right now. You have upset the wrong sorts of ponies. I’d guess you’re a sailor, I’d get back to your ship before the real trouble arrives.”



Scarlet: ...Um. Why are the unicorns upset? Because the town is prejudiced against them. Wouldn’t it be the local pegasi who’d be ups- Kudzu forgot his own worldbuilding again, didn’t he.

RingmasterJ5: Yup.

Steel: Congrats, Kudz.

SC276: And still not the worst case of the author forgetting their own worldbuilding I’ve ever seen.



“Thank you, good sir,” Rye replied as he moved though the main room, keeping a cautious eye on those around him, all of his pistols and guns still drawn and ready.

“Drink piss,” the creature said to the bartender as she followed Rye. “I have half a mind to kill ya for what you’ve done to me…”



Scarlet: [Oola] “Actually, make that a full mind.” *breaks the bartender’s neck*



Reaching the front door, Rye Mash pushed it open…

Author's Note:



SC276: Oh don’t be a dick. A cliffhanging dick.



Oola Roo. I wonder how many of my readers will get it…



SC276: OK, I get she’s supposed to be a kangaroo now, not sure what “Oola” has to do with it. Will still be referring to her as a Rat Creature.



I'm not sorry!



Scarlet: You should be.



Chapter 18



Outside of The Kettle, there was quite a crowd. Rye Mash could see an incoming group, which meant more trouble no doubt. A mob of unicorns and pegasi were coming in, a rather well dressed if somewhat ratty looking gang.



Scarlet: Well-dressed ratty looking… did you just pick your adjectives at random, or are you that terrible?

Steel: They’re called The Ironics, and they all wear trilbys.

SC276: Is it just me, or has there only been like… two Earth ponies in this fic? One of which was an Apple, and the other of which was a Greek god.



Fops. Rye Mash hated fops. He thought of Lace Collar.



Steel: [Rye] “That lard arse never could take a good humping...”

SC276: Fuckin’ House Avarice.



He began to move forward, Mousy and Oola right behind him. Some of the unicorns were getting ready to cast spells and Rye realised he needed to clear out the crowd so he could run.



Scarlet: Where the fuck did this crowd come from? Why? Everyone had run away! Rye was about to leave the building! There should’ve been mostly gawkers staring at Rye and his giant kangaroo-beast!

Steel: Not just that, but firing on innocents instead of just murdering everybody about to fight him, coating himself in their blood, then immediately slaughtering the gangsters coming towards him? Hell, he would’ve made the city a little safer with that!



He raised one of the large pistols that Bloody Velvet had given him, took aim, and fired. The bullet went wide and caught a unicorn in the neck, tearing open a horrific wound.



Scarlet: [Oola] “...That was just a mother taking her kid for a walk down the street.”

[Rye] “I enjoy a bit of matricide once in a while. Gets the blood moving.”

[Oola] “Eh, you’re alright!”

SC276: I have never considered the Rat Creature mating cycle, and I might actually need brain bleach now that I’m thinking about it.



Garish purple-red blood oozed out in rhythmic spurts as the unicorn fell over and began to kick on the filthy cobblestones.



SC276: Huh. I’m… guessing the purple is magic then?



It almost looked as though the unicorn was dancing a jaunty little jig as he gurgled and struggled to breathe.



Scarlet: [Rye] “How exquisite…”

[Mousy] “Hey shit-for-brains, if you don’t wanna do that jig at the end of a noose I suggest running before you masturbate!”



The crowd, seeing the violence, screamed and then stampeded. Rye Mash stood, a halo of gunsmoke wafting around him. He saw an opening and took off running with everything he had in him.



SC276: Which isn’t much considering he’s been levitating eight guns or so for the past fifteen minutes.



Behind him, Mousy and Oola followed. As Rye Mash ran, he reloaded.



RingmasterJ5: Jesus fucking Christ this sentence structure how is he popular



“What is the plan?” Mousy asked.

“We run,” Rye replied.

“At some point we have to stop running!”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “For the love of the Sisters, your operation clearly needs some brains! Fortunately mine are for hire!”

[Rye] “I don’t know, I’m a bit more interested in your tail-”

[Mousy] “Run first, be a scumbag later!”



“We’ve just got to make it to the harbour.



SC276: British!



There’s a ship and I have friends.”



SC276: That’s debatable.



Two ponies and whatever Oola was ran down the street. The stampeding mob trampled the incoming gang of fops.



SC276: These mafia guys suck at being mafia guys.



Rye Mash had caused pure anarchy on the streets and he was using it to make good his escape.



Scarlet: [Rye] “PURE CHAOS!”

[Mousy] “Oh for the love of- just stop touching your dick! STOP!”

SC276: This is a city where the ground is literally made of shit, and one instance of public gunfire is enough to rouse a whole part of it into mass panic? I mean, I know we’re talking ponies here, but c’mon!



“More incoming,” Oola shouted as she pointed upwards at a group of incoming pegasi.

Still running, Rye kept a wary eye upon the flyers overhead. They were heading towards the mob, no doubt to help their fellows. Rye Mash picked up speed, his hooves clattering on the slimy, disgusting cobblestones.



Scarlet: [Oola] “Is that your filth all over this?”

[Rye] “Oh, yes~”



“So what in the stars are you?” Rye asked.

“She appears to be a pony, you barrel bunghole buggering dimwit,” Oola replied.

“No, what are you, you look like a giant rat creature!”



Scarlet: Nah, she’s a rabid deathsquirrel at best.

SC276: I WAS HALF-JOKING.



“Imma kangaroo… and maybe an alcoholic.” Appearing to expend no effort, Oola bounded alongside Rye Mash, leaping and keeping up with the running unicorn. “You ain’t never heard of no kangaroo?”



Scarlet: Is that supposed to be Aussie? Because I’ve heard Aussie, and that’s not Aussie. It’s not even funny-fake Aussie.

SC276: Crikey, shrimp on the barbie, and… um… Steve Irwin!



“No!” Rye cast a glance at the creature beside him, marvelling at how she moved.

“Aye, right then… we’re going to be killed by those dainty fart felchers in stovepipe hats and those funny looking vests.” Oola bounced forwards, her long tail rippling to provide balance. “I hates ’em, I do.”



Scarlet: [Oola] “‘Ceptin’ when I gets to bugger them upside-down.”

Steel: [Rye] “Sadly, there’s a bit too many angry ones for a proper orgy.”

[Oola] “Says the fella surrounded by Her Holiness’ Ring of Lead.”

[Rye] “Blood makes good lube, not good orgy motivation, my dear!”



“That’s two of us, I can’t stand fops,” Rye replied.



SC276: Well we can’t stand you, so let’s call it even.



As he ran, he began to wonder if he would get caught. This was starting to feel a little too easy. He wasn’t about to jinx it by saying anything though. No, he kept his mouth shut and kept running.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “Thank the stars, you’re finally showin’ the brains you were born with! Now stick with me, kid, and we’ll go all the way to the top. Trust me. Would I lie to you?”

Steel: [Rye] “Yes.”

[Mousy] “Well I won’t lie to you, then!”

[Rye] “If you do, can I take you?”

[Mousy] “No. I’d say ‘if you prove it’, but I sense a possible stalker in you.”

[Rye] “I wouldn’t stalk you! I already have Starjammer for that.”

SC276: ...Doesn’t he jinx it by just thinking it?



“If by fops, you mean ‘wee dainty asshole stretchers,’ I don’t like fops either! It’s just rude, doing that to a girl! No warning or anything, just going in dry—”



Scarlet: ...Oh goodie. More rape. Just what the story needed more of. If Kudzu ever reads this riff and feels we did a disservice in how we rewrote Rye, I’m going to smack him.

RingmasterJ5: I feel the need to mention again that this story is rated T.

SC276: What is with every girl in this story besides Velvet expecting a cock up the ass?! I mean, one, rape, and two, has Kudzu never heard of a vagina?!



“This is stuff I don’t need to know!” Rye shouted as he ran.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Tell me about the times you got soaking!”

[Oola] “Ah, them’s another matter entirely! Well I once met this wee little bugger with three legs, and-”



“I don’t think we’re being followed anymore,” Mousy said as she looked around.



SC276: They apparently all went “fuck it, it’s a little girl and a rat-thing we found on the street, we don’t really give a fuck.”



She came to a halt as Rye did the same, her sides heaving from her exertion. She looked up at Oola and stared up at the tall creature. “Today might just be your lucky day.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “See, you two just found yourselves the sharpest criminal mind this side of Canterlot. I’ve conned everything from kings to paupers.”

Steel: [Rye] “I have been looking for a good spymaster, actually. Care for some employment?”

[Mousy] “It’s me who’s supposed to hire you, but I guess it works, long as I have the freedom to work.”



The tall kangaroo creature nodded.



SC276: You know, she gave her name. Why isn’t the narrative using it?



“Aye, it might.” She leaned on a stone fence and tried to catch her breath. “I don’t want to go back into a cage. How many guns you got under that cloak of yours?”



Scarlet: [Oola] “Don’t suppose you could spare one for a poor girl like me who hasn’t known the embrace of a lover in some time now?”

[Rye] “Take good care of Clarence.”

Steel: [Oola] “Why’d you jus’ give me your gun?”

[Rye] “She’s my favorite. Be gentle.”

[Oola] “‘Least tell me if it’s loaded first... yup, that’s definitely loaded. Obliged, mate! A little danger never hurt anyone.”

[Rye] “Never hurt anyone indeed.”



“Enough,” Rye replied.

Oola grinned. “Right then, look at him, he’s a stone cold killer he is, shooting his own kind in the head and the neck—”



Scarlet: [Oola] “The blood spatters y’do, they’re downright exquisite to watch, they are!”

Steel: [Rye] “I know! Honestly, I create great art with it, but nobody ever appreciates it! All they do is run around screaming about how I decapitated someone with a pistol!”

[Oola] “That’s right impressive! Mind showing me your work sometime?”

[Rye] “I’d love to. Work with me, we could set up a gallery!”

[Mousy] “A gallery, eh? Hmm... some money might be in there.”



“Those aren’t my kind… I don’t believe in slavery,” Rye said, correcting Oola in a somewhat raspy voice. “We should keep moving. I don’t think we’re done yet.



SC276: Well we almost are until another 12K worth of chapters comes out, so...



All it takes is one flying pegasus to spot you and we’ll have company again. You sort of stand out, Oola.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Also, what is that you’re doing with Clarence? It’s rather fascinating.”

[Oola] “Pretty sure you’d need yourself a twat to pull this one, you would. ‘Course, I’ve heard there’s a few spells that can, well-”

[Rye] “Tell me more.”



The kangaroo watched as Rye took a deep breath and then started off once more. She followed, in a sort of half bounce—half walk, her long, thick tail waving.



SC276: Which wasn’t how she was following them before this point.



“Eh, I like this one… howsabouts I gives ya a tumble when we get to wherever it is we’re going—”



Scarlet: Oh god it actually is canon.



“That isn’t necessary—”

“Is it because I’m a kangaroo?” Oola demanded in an offended tone.

“No!” Rye said in a sharp retort. “I’m just not that type, that’s all.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “You don’t understand! It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I want more.”

[Oola] “Aaah, you’re thinking in terms of the big picture, then!”

Steel: [Rye] “All good leaders do. And I’m seeing harems as far as the eye can see...”

[Oola] “Gonna give me one then?”

[Rye] “I could see reason in it, yes... if persuaded.”

[Oola] “Private quarters once we’ve caught our breath?”

[Rye] “You read my mind, Oola~.”

[Mousy] “Oh dear...”



“Well I didn’t think you’d be the type that’d poke a girl in the mudhole unannounced, but a little of the old in-out-in-out in the old slurp hole never hurt no one—”

“Ugh!” Rye shook his head. “Look, it isn’t about you… I just—”



Scarlet: [Rye] “I promised Clarence and Matilda I’d spend some time with them and Velvet first, and then move on to Terrence, Machiavelli, Flora, and-”

[Oola] “Yer virility sounds amazing! Why haven’t we met yet?”

Steel: [Rye] “Was stuck in a gilded cage of my own before I got the chance to toss my master off the edge of an airship.”

[Oola] “Wow, seriously?

SC276: [Rye] “Also, you were trapped in constant cage matches in that bar we’re currently fleeing from.”

[Oola] “Well can’t argue with that…”



“Yer a virgin?” Oola bounced alongside Rye, looking down at his face, trying to study it, no longer offended but curious. “Oy, he’s a virgin! You ain’t never had no tumble before!”



Scarlet: [Oola] “Juuust joshin’! You’re the sickest fucker in three countries and I love ya for it!”



Saying nothing, Rye Mash gritted his teeth and tried to endure the moment. He also tried to ignore the giant rat creature hopping along beside him, and he became all too aware of the filly walking along his other side.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Must not orgy until aboard ship… must not orgy until aboard ship….”



“I’ve never met a colt your age that hasn’t been bred,” Mousy said as they walked. “Is there something wrong with you? Can’t get it up?”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “After all that with the pistol, I mean. I mean Christ, that can’t be good for the maintenance of your equipment.”



“Aye, girl, you’ve got some kinda guts in you, asking a straight shooting killer questions like that.” Oola leaned over and gave a wink to Mousy. She ignored the sounds of grinding teeth coming from the colt between them.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I can’t take it! This is the best day of my life!”



Giving Rye a sidelong glance as they walked, Mousy gave her rescuer a smile. “I never did get your name…”

“My name is Rye Mash.”

“Well, Rye Mash, my name is Mousy. Ponies call me that because of my cutie mark… which is a mouse. Funny story…”



Scarlet: I’m sure it is.



“I’m sure it is,” Rye Mash replied in a rather brusque manner.



Scarlet: ...Dear Jesus, that was so lame even this Rye’s mocking it!

SC276: *holding the door shut* Dammit, Sparkz, you’re not allowed back in here!



“His pride is hurting.” Oola looked down at the sullen colt. “I mean, you did ask him if he had trouble getting his willy hard.”

“Well, I was just curious. I’ve kept myself untouched, if it makes you feel better. That’s a hard thing for a filly to do in these parts.



SC276: Or the entire planet, the way the story’s going.



I did get a good dry humping once, but he was too drunk to find his way inside.” Mousy’s voice was soft, calm, and rather… mousy. There was a bit of a squeak to it.



Scarlet: Has anyone else noticed that the second or third thing any female character in this story does is talk about the time they got raped? I… oh god why.



“Aye, you putting on airs, girl?” Oola asked.



Scarlet: [Oola] “I know you’ve seen some action in your time, now-”

[Mousy] “Ever heard of a spell called the Chicoltgo Typewriter? I just invented it. It’s a good way to end this kind of conversation.”



“Nothing of the sort,” Mousy replied.



SC276: Bullshit. You’re a girl in this fic, ergo, you’re waiting for a guy to fuck you. And it’s always in the ass, for reasons I can’t comprehend.



She looked up at the kangaroo as they walked. “I don’t want to raise foals in this wretched place. I hate it here. I hate everything about this city and I’ve been trying to get away for a long time… but I have debts.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “What can I say? I like living the high life.”



“Debts?” Rye asked.

“Never mind, I guess it doesn’t matter now,” Mousy replied.



SC276: We’ve already had a stand-off with the debt collectors, the plot thread is now officially resolved.



She shook her head. “I can finally start over and be the sort of pony I want to be.” She held her head a little higher and walked with a bit more spring in her step.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “After all, I got me a crew who ain’t shit now!”



Rye Mash heaved a sigh of relief when he saw The Whalefish and The Apogee. The harbour reeked of sewage and filth. There were seafaring vessels here, as well as airships. Rye Mash could see supplies being loaded onto the two ships and he watched as the pegasi worked, lifting the heavy crates. Earth ponies on the deck of The Whalefish worked winches pulled up heavier cargo crates.



Scarlet: Rye took a deep breath and smirked as he scented their heavy musk.

SC276: Oh hello, Earth ponies. Where were you back at the freakin’ bar scene?



Oola paused, turned around, and looked at the city behind her. “I can’t say I’ll miss this place. I haven’t seen this harbour since I don’t know when. It was the day they brought me here. I was sold the same day.”



Scarlet: The Catch, where Tragic backstories are paint-by-numbers! Literally. I think Topher’s working on one as we speak.

Topher: Actually, I come up with all my tragic backstories by lottery. *reachs into a bag, pulls out a ball* Sold into slavery (labor) by… *pulls out another ball* Parents, because… *pulls out another ball* they were poor!



“We might be able to help you get home,” Rye Mash offered.

“Home? Home is a sump hole filled with all kinds of horror and poisonous creepy crawlies. Naw… I don’t want to go home. I just don’t want to be a slave any longer,” Oola replied. “You’re a good sort, helping a girl out and turning down a tumble.”



Scarlet: ...okay I have to step completely out of character for a bit, because that might be the most fucked up implication in the entire story. Really think about what Oola just said there. Rye’s not a good person for saving her. He’s a good person for saving her and refusing consensual sex. This story’s thrown rape and abuse at us for so many chapters, and every time somebody brings up consensual sex, Rye reacts like they offered to bite his genitals off. What the fuck.

SC276: I hope I’m never given any reason or opportunity to understand this author’s thought patterns. I’m pretty sure if I do, I’ll lose connection with reality altogether.



Rye Mash was about to say something, but the flutter of wings distracted him. He turned and saw Captain Spyglass setting down, along with several other pegasi. Rye Mash grinned when he saw the captain’s confused expression as the captain looked at Oola.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “...Oh god, not another one.”

[Oola] “That Clarence of yours makes a fine lover for a girl, Rye!”



“I made a few friends,” Rye Mash said as he continued to grin at Captain Spyglass. “The tall one is Oola. She’s a kangaroo. And this is—”

“As I live and breathe, it is the dirty little pilferer that tried to steal from me a few years ago,” Captain Spyglass said as he pushed Rye Mash aside and stepped towards the dark blue-grey filly. “I’d recognise that mouse cutie mark anywhere.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “You’re gonna have to be more specific, I’ve done a lot of that over the years.”

SC276: This particular filly has ticked the captain off enough for him to remember her after years? What, was she like five or something?



Mousy took a step backwards, her eyes wide and fearful.

“Don’t even try to run,” Spyglass warned.

“Look, sir, I do apologise, but a filly has to do what a filly has to do—”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “And in my case, I had to cheat you out of everything you own and leave you naked in an alleyway.”

[Spyglass] “I detest you.”

SC276: I like this girl more already!



“Hey, don’t hurt her.” Rye Mash tried to insert himself between Captain Spyglass and Mousy. He looked Spyglass in the eye.



SC276: The one that’s not a spyglass.



“I just got done saving her and I had to shoot a few ponies—”

“Saving her? Do you even know who she is?” Spyglass demanded.



SC276: ...Obviously not?

Scarlet: [Mousy] “Captain, you think he’d care if he did? If I raised my tail a couple inches, we both know he’d fall over drooling and forget half of what you just said.”

[Spyglass] “...You are a desperate woman.”

[Mousy] “You don’t know the half of it.”



“Somepony under my protection,” Rye Mash replied, looking his captain in the eye.

Spyglass burst out laughing, which confused Rye Mash.



SC276: Like that’s the only thing.



Standing there, looking bewildered, Rye Mash watched his captain laughing, while also keeping an eye on Mousy. He saw more ponies coming over, including a familiar unicorn.



Scarlet: [Woe] “Cousin! I thought you got rubbed out during the Manehattan job!”

[Mousy] “Takes more’n’ a few heavily armed guards bursting through the door to deal with this mare.”



“Mousy the padhoof. As one of your almost victims, I found out about you.



SC276: So wait, we were kinda close with the con artist thing?



A no good creeper sneak thief—”

“So is Woe Betide, and you gave her a job.” Rye gave Spyglass a hard stare as the two stood snoot to snoot.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Besides, I think she’s cute.”

[Mousy] “Hey Featherbrain? You let me on board, I’ll let you in on the best deal you’ve ever been part of. I’ve got a scheme I’ve had cooking for months. It involves defrauding House Avarice, and I just need the right crew…”



The captain’s riotous laughter ceased. A shrewd look crept over his face as he stared his cabin colt in the eye. One eyebrow began to raise in a slow, cautious manner as the captain’s brain processed Rye’s suggestion.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Rye, you’re a sick motherfucker and she’s way too young for you. Kid, you’re a scumbag but tell me more about this ‘rip off House Avarice’ thing.”



“A sneaky pony and Woe Betide would be a pretty good combination,” Rye said, trying to sell his captain on the idea. “She can’t stay here. Look, somepony was about to force her into marriage to settle her debts and there was some shooting and I went through a lot of trouble to get her out of trouble.”



Scarlet: [Oola] “I helped!”

[Spyglass] “...I’m not even going to ask why you’re licking my first mate, ma’am.”



Captain Spyglass’ lips pressed into a straight line as he considered his cabin colt’s words.



SC276: Measuring… Measuring… Measuring...



He glanced over at Mousy, who had her head down and was trying to look as submissive as possible, which Spyglass knew was an act. Mousy was reputed to be a good con artist,



Sparkz: Fic! Talking! Back!

SC276: Get out of here! *tosses him out*



a smooth talker, and according to the Broker, she was also said to be honourable.



Scarlet: One of those words is not like the others.



“I might be a thief but I am mostly honest. I keep my word, or I try to. I wasn’t trying to con nopony, not this time, I was just looking for a way out,” Mousy said in a meek voice.





Scarlet: [Mousy, thinking] “Buy it you son of a bitch, buy it…”



“Stop with the acting and be honest.” Rye turned and looked at Mousy, focusing his hard stare upon her. “What debt did you have that caused all of this?”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “Well, which do you want first: the above the table expenses, or the under the table ones?”

[Rye] “That gives me a fascinating idea about what we can do after dinner!”

[Woe] “Time for a vocabulary lesson. Let’s talk about the phrase ‘figure of speech’.”



Sighing, Mousy’s head dropped and her ears went flat.



SC276: Five bucks says fucking or slavery is involved.



“Don’t lie to us.” Bloody Velvet, now standing beside Spyglass, afixed a stern glare upon the filly. “Trust me when I say that I’ll know if you are lying. If you do, I’ll just get the truth out of you the hard way.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT’S LIE DETECTION SYSTEMS WERE RECENTLY REPAIRED.”

[Mousy] “...You didn’t.”

[Woe] “I didn’t know you were alive! Don’t blame me!”

[Mousy] “You’re just lucky we’re related, or I’d be fitting you out with some nice concrete horseshoes.”



“Look, I try to be honest when I can and I try to keep my word. I might be a thief, but in my business, being honourable does matter. I was offered a lot of money if I would accept a deal without knowing any details about it. At first I said no, but I didn’t have any other jobs lined up and this one was offering a lot of money. And I do mean a lot of money.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “That is, enough money to clear out the debt I ran into after I had to pay my way out of the country when the Manehattan Job went south.”

[Woe] “I’m still not entirely sure how the guards found out we’d smuggled the muscle in through the hot-air balloon filled with shrimp.”



“Go on, and spare me the honourable thief malarky,” Bloody Velvet demanded.

“There was a shipment coming in from the Sea of Grass. Pretty standard stuff. I found out we were supposed to steal some cargo. Stuff I’ve been a part of before. We set up a team and it was my job to get aboard the sailing ship, case the ship,



SC276: ...continue mentioning the ship because the author does not know how to keep from sounding repetitive...



get a basic layout, return to the others with a map, and return with the shipping manifest so we’d know exactly which cargo crates were which.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “Honestly, I’m pretty sure the people hiring me didn’t know shit about heists. Would’ve been much easier to just load it all onto carts, get it away in the dead of night, and sort through it later. But hey, job’s a job, and I was looking to play big.”



“Seems pretty straight forward,” Spyglass said.

“I thought so to,” Mousy replied. “So I was on the ship, prowling around, doing what I do best, moving from shadow to shadow, I had a good map and I was waiting to steal the shipping manifest. The captain was talking with several crew members and I was in a closet with a bunch of life vests and I hear them talking.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “After about thirty minutes of describing sexual encounters- Rye if I see you move your hoof so much as an inch lower we’re going to have ourselves a very different conversation, capisce?- as I was saying, after they’re done talkin’ about banging, they get onward to-”



Turns out, they're shipping several crates of medicine up from the Sea of Grass, a charitable gesture from the zebras down there to help the orphans and widows of Trottingham with hoof rot. And I realise, I’m about to help steal those crates.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “That was about the point I realized I was working with idiots, since any bonehead knows that hoof-rot medicine ain’t worth shit on the black market right now, even Zebrican remedies.”

[Woe] “It’s true. Any foal could synthesize some.”



Mousy blew her dark black mane out of her face and then looked at Captain Spyglass. “I broke my word and abandoned my job. A lot of ponies got caught that night, because they tried anyway. I got blamed for it and a few ponies tried to kill me, and a smaller crime family offered to save me but only if I married their idiot son—”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “So I told ‘em to go shove it, took some of the bits I did earn, and tried to hire me a muscle squad. But they didn’t have the brains they were born with. You folks do. So.. how about we talk about some good old-fashioned larceny and fraud?”



“I’ll be damned, she’s telling the truth. All of it. No duplicity upon her part.” Bloody Velvet shook her head. “I would have expected a little lying on her part and the whole thing with stealing medicine from orphans seems a little dramatic, but she’s telling the truth.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT’S OPERATING CAPACITY IS AT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT AND WAS IN NO WAY OVER-RIDDEN BY UNIT-WOE AT ANY POINT TO PROTECT HER RELATIVE.”

[Spyglass] “What was that?”

[Woe] “I suggest ignoring it for all our sakes, Captain.”

RingmasterJ5: Is is just me, or does that whole backstory of hers really not match up with what we’ve seen of the character so far? Like, I’m not even talking “our” version, I mean that if the one in the actual fic was some kind of master thief, she probably would have been able to, y’know, escape from that scene earlier instead of Rye having to save her.

SC276: Well it also listed con artist, we just called it really freakin’ early.



“Yeah, well, the idiot son said he was going to break her leg and give her a good dry cornholing,” Rye said.



Scarlet: [Rye] “That boy had no sense of imagination!”



“How rude.” Spyglass shook his head and snorted in disgust.

“I shot him.” Rye Mash looked at his captain, hoping for approval.

Spyglass turned and grinned at his cabin colt. “Good lad.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “There, I paid you a compliment. Please stop making eyes at me.”



“Aye, he shot him alright, he put a shotgun behind the pegasus and unloaded a bunch of nails and fire into the big prick’s no doubt warty asshole,” Oola said.



Scarlet: [Oola] “And just thinkin’ about it gets me excited! C’mere you, an’ you an’- hell, the whole damn crew!”

SC276: You were watching that? I really don’t understand the spatial relationships of that bar...



“Oh dear… oh… oh my…” Spyglass closed his eyes.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “there’s another one how is there another one-”



Other ponies present squirmed in an uncomfortable manner and Oola liked the effect she was having on the crowd. “It was point blank too! Turned his stones into jelly!”



Scarlet: [Oola] “You there, you should be first up to bat! Come on up and have yourself a fine look at my twat, there!”



“Rye Mash, if you keep this up, you are going to get some kind of reputation,” Spyglass said in a low voice.



SC276: And Ring told us he already does, so quit with the foreshadowing already.



He took a deep breath and then looked at Oola and Mousy. “And how did you come into this… miss?”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “I’ll be honest and say if it weren’t for the massive amounts of moolah involved, I might be walking out.”

[Woe] “And if I weren’t now legally married to a warship, I would as well.”

[Mousy] “...We need to catch up.”



“Call me Oola. I’m a bare knuckle boxer. Rye Mash let me out of my cage.” Oola bent over and gave Spyglass a little bow. “I can be a hard worker and I’m a good fighter. I can make myself useful. And I have these!” Oola waved her hands in front of Spyglass and waggled her fingers.



Scarlet: [Oola] “I like to stick ‘em up into backsides an’ twats, and fiddle-”

[Spyglass] “why me?”



“I see. Those are very useful.” Spyglass stared up at the kangaroo.

“I’m also a fantastically good lay, but your cabin colt turned me down.”



Scarlet: [Oola] “In fact, c’mere and I’ll be happy to give you a nice, long demonstration!”

[Spyglass] “help.”

SC276: [Spyglass] “why do i keep getting the perves.”



“Yes, he does that. He’s skittish and I think he might be a bit of a prude.”



Scarlet: ...My ability to “physically even” is rapidly decreasing. I can’t. I can’t.

SC276: Orange juice? I’m sorry, in the medium of a collaborative text document written over the Internet, my options are limited.

Scarlet: It’s no problem. I don’t need orange juice. I have TEA. *angrily brews a pot*



“Hey!” Rye Mash felt flames in his cheeks. He glared at his captain and tried to think of something witty or something clever to say, but his brain gave him nothing to work with.



Scarlet: You know what? That line just riffed itself. Thanks, Kudzu!



Captain Spyglass turned to look at the pegasi around him. “Please, see that Rye Mash and our new crewmembers are taken to The Apogee.



SC276: [Spyglass] “Mousey is completely forgiven for things which I don’t remember what they are.”



We need to be leaving soon, so everypony hurry up and finish.” He then turned to Rye Mash. “Once again, you’ve done well…”



Scarlet: Another unnecessary ellipses! FINISH IT!



Author's Note:

And the crew is finished.



SC276: Sadly, this crew is only two-thirds of the way through the part.



Whew. Funny, now that I'm writing it, Oola fits. I wasn't certain about her addition. But now that it's all in print, I feel like it works.

Thanks for reading!



Scarlet: An open letter to Kudzuhaiku, from AM.



Chapter 19



Space aboard The Apogee was a little tighter. With Skeeter, Starjammer, Woe Betide, Bloody Velvet, and himself, things were already cramped. Now, with Mousy and Oola, things were, well, whatever it was that came after cramped, Rye Mash didn’t know.



Scarlet: This suited him just fine, as it allowed for maximum groping opportunities for both him and Oola.

SC276: OK, there were four bedrooms, right? Pretty much everyone on this ship is part of Rye’s harem, so they only need one, assuming they pool the mattresses together.



Starjammer and Bloody Velvet were trying to rig up some place for Oola to sleep. Oola, a giant, had some trouble moving around the ship, unable to stand at her full height.



SC276: I’ll need the check, but… OK, red kangaroos are about 5 feet tall on average, whereas the upper bound for a medium-sized pony are about 4-and-a-half feet tall. ...Yes, about half a foot of extra height is all it takes to classify as giant.



She was forced to move around almost on all fours and there were no beds large enough for her.



Scarlet: She used this as an excuse to sleep underneath Rye.



Skeeter the pegasus and Mousy the earth pony struck up a conversation, if it could be called that, with Skeeter doing most of the listening and Mousy doing most of the talking. Mousy talked about doing what she was good at, which was being a padhoof. Skeeter listened with wide, curious eyes.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “And so I says to him, I says, ‘look, if you don’t pay me up by the end of the week, we’re going to have ourselves another conversation, but this time I’ll be bringing the boys.’ But what he doesn’t know is the only boys I’ve got are two half-drunk idiots I paid to stand outside for ten minutes!”

SC276: I see she put all her skill points in Bluff…

Scarlet: Con artist, baby.



In the kitchen, Woe Betide followed Rye Mash around, trying to pry the bloody details of his time on shore out of him as he tried to prepare a meal. Rye, tight lipped about the events of the day, put the filly to work instead, ordering her to chop vegetables. Woe Betide did so, but only after much whining and protest.



Scarlet: [Woe] “Actually, I was concerned that Rye would poison us all if he cooked.”



In the main room, Oola settled in on top of a few cushions and cuddled up with a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet…



Scarlet: [Oola] “The wind at your back, booze in your mouth, and a strapping young lad near your cunt! This is the life!”

[Rye] “Aaahh, you said it, my friend! Oola, you and I are going to go places. I can feel it!”

SC276: Bed of cushions. ...Y’know what, I can take that.



“So does anybody know where we are off to next?” Rye asked between bites of food.



SC276: Wherever it is, hopefully you can pick up a new pony lingo book, “body” boy.



Bloody Velvet chewed her food as she nodded. After swallowing, she replied, “Sable Blanc. It’s a little town on the coast of Fancy.”



Scarlet: ...I’m going to just pray to myself that Kudzuhaiku hasn’t seen Gosick.

SC276: That’s not even a real pun on “Port Blanc,” for crying out loud.



“Why are we going there? Meeting with smugglers? Battle other pirates?” Excited, Woe Betide bounced up and down in her chair.



Scarlet: [Woe] “The Apogee needs a road test! How am I supposed to know what to improve on it if we never actually engage?”



Shaking her head, Bloody Velvet smiled. “None of those things. Captain Spyglass is rather fond of the cheese that they make. I know nothing of cheesemaking, but they use seawater, and somehow the cheese itself comes out a little salty.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT SUSPECTS IT IS NOT THE SEAWATER THEY USE. DO NOT TELL UNIT-SPYGLASS. HIS HEART MAY NOT TAKE IT.”



“But seawater is full of shite and dead bodies,” Woe Betide said, her words causing Oola to laugh.

“Your mouth!” Rye looked at Woe, his gaze stern. “Trottingham’s water certainly was.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “I can vouch for that. Tipped in a good few myself after the Typewriter did for ‘em.”

SC276: If they didn’t have a supply of fresh water, how could it keep being representative of a first-world city?



“Perhaps we can have some shore leave where Rye Mash doesn’t have to kill anypony,” Bloody Velvet said. “Wouldn’t that be nice? Go somewhere and not leave behind a slew of dead bodies?”

The kangaroo lifted her head. “Sounds boring.”



Scarlet: [Oola] “A day without a massacre is like a day without fucking!”

[Rye] “Amen!”



A large piece of potato lurked in Rye Mash’s stew. He fished it out with his spoon, stuck it in his mouth, and began chewing.



SC276: Riveting.



Exploring the city had been fun, but there was a certain thrill about conflict. He stared down into his bowl of vegetables almost as if he expected to find answers there.



Scarlet: Well, it was alphabet soup.



“So this is what you do? You fly around from place to place, killing?” Oola asked.

“Well, that is what Rye does,” Bloody Velvet replied. The mare gave Oola a trembling, quivering smile.

“Hey!”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Not true! I also have loads of sex with you, my dear.”

[Velvet] “UNIT-RYE IS CORRECT.”



“The rest of us try to be civil.” Bloody Velvet smiled at Rye.



SC276: But fail terribly.



“We try to make a difference. We prey upon the slavers, the pirates, and the scum of the skies. We’re not strong enough to wage war on our enemies in the usual way, so we use hit and run tactics, we hound them, and we pick off lone ships if we find them. We’ve freed hundreds of slaves.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “Eh, I still say you all need to focus yourselves on making sure you make a tidy little profit. Privateering’s great, but you can’t beat a little fraud and extortion. Right, cousin?”

[Woe] “I would agree, but we’re on a state of the art warship I’m in love with.”

[Mousy] “Eh, point taken. To each her own.”

SC276: Isn’t that how ship battles usually go, or is that just all the pirate movies?



“Ooh… well… right… well, I’m all up for that.” Oola looked around the table. “I’m sick of taking it and I’m in the mood to dish it out.”

“Stories. We all have one.”



Scarlet: And mine is rapidly becoming one of boredom.

SC276: I’ve got like fifteen going at once.



“The quiet one speaks!” Rye Mash looked over at Starjammer. “Plan to grace us with more words?”



SC276: Well he’s not gonna wanna talk if you keep embarrassing him like that.



With an almost embarrassed expression, Starjammer lifted his hoof, shook his head, and then returned to eating, ignoring Rye Mash’s laughter. Starjammer’s cheeks took on a faint pink tinge.

“What have I got myself into?” Mousy asked.



Scarlet: A Bad Time.



Surrounded by books, ledgers, and coded messages, Rye Mash had lost himself in work.



SC276: Sadly, because we were lost in the fic at the time, we can’t get out immediately.



Pieces of paper with letters scribbled in random strings were everywhere. Frowning, the colt then lifted one such sheet of paper, compared it to an entry in a ledger, and then set the paper down, his scowl intensifying.



Scarlet: [Rye] “What is Grillby’s, and why should I eat there?”



Salad Days. Or was it salad days? It was hard to tell. Rye Mash suspected that there was a pony named ‘Salad Days’ that had an affiliation with House Avarice. Or perhaps a place called ‘Salad Days.’



RingmasterJ5: It’s worth noting that this entire bit is a reference to an obscure Monty Python sketch for… whatever reason.

Scarlet: And the first rule is, no poofters!

SC276: ...Did this inspire Happy Tree Friends?



Whomever, or whatever they were, they were getting regular shipments. Not long ago, something very, very valuable had been secured at great cost and then sent to Salad Days. Rye Mash had no clue as to what it was yet, but there was still a lot more to sort out and more code to translate.



Scarlet: Please, no. Show us all of it in excruciating detail.



Puzzling out another cipher, Rye Mash had the words ‘peck’ and ‘paw,’ which seemed to be some project that seemed to be associated with Salad Days. House Avarice had spent a great deal of money upon it.

“Rye?”



Scarlet: no really i’m so interested in this yes totally interested look at how interested i am.



Blinking, his eyes bleary and blurry, Rye Mash looked up from his work. It took him several seconds to focus upon Bloody Velvet, her outline fuzzy.



SC276: [Velvet] “DISABLING BLURRING FIELD.”



He set down his quill and then began to rub his eyes.

“Rye, you should take a break. You’ve been at this for far too long.”

“It’s only been a few hours,” Rye said, shaking his head.

“Rye, the ship’s clock says it is after midnight. You’ve been at this since after supper. It’s been over eight hours—”



Scarlet: I feel like this story is trying to stage an intervention for me as I continue riffing.

SC276: Could’ve used something like that while riffing that fic. Also, if they had supper at my usual dinner time, it’s now about 4 AM, so might as well go all the way at this point.



“No… no, that’s not possible… is it?”



SC276: [Rye] “TV Tropes does ruin my life!”



“Rye, you look like a corpse… and you’ve rubbed ink all over your face.”



SC276: [Velvet] “AND A FLUID SUBSTANCE THIS UNIT IS 100% CERTAIN IS NOT INK.”



Bloody Velvet sat down upon the floor, the corner of her mouth spasming. “You need to get some rest—”

“No… I’m just starting to make connections… I’m just starting to get into the good stuff and things are starting to make sense. Sort of.



SC276: That’s how you know you’re in too deep, when the fic starts talking to you.



I can’t quit now.”

Bloody Velvet shook her head. “Rye, you need to take a break… go to bed.”



Scarlet: Yeah. Yeah that’s exactly what it’s doing.

SC276: ~Now it’s the weekend, I can stay up late…~



“But I—”

“But nothing. All of this will still be here when you wake up.”



SC276: That depends on whether or not this dynamite pile gets through the fourth wall.



Bloody Velvet’s horn lit up. She cleaned the ink from Rye’s face using a little minor magic and then gave him a stern look. “Go to bed.”

“I can’t—”



Scarlet: “Not without you, dearest!”



“Rye, I told you, killing changes you. I tried to tell you. What’s done is done, and what’s dead is dead. There is no way of undoing what you did earlier this day. It’s going to stay in your mind, no matter how much you work on these papers, it isn’t going to settle that nagging little voice in the back of your mind. Now go to bed.”



SC276: Speaking from experience, that nagging voice is the pull of wanting to finish something that’s incomplete, so further working on the papers is going to settle it.



Slumping down in defeat, Rye Mash looked at Bloody Velvet, his eyes full of pain. “It’s not fair that you get inside my head like that.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT APOLOGIZES. SHE KNOWS YOU PREFER BEING GIVEN HEAD.”



“I know, and I’m sorry. But I can’t change what I am… and I guess you can’t change what you’re becoming.



SC276: Have you tried?



I’ll try to be here for you if I can though.” Bloody Velvet shook her head. “I have cleaned the ink off of your face. Now go to bed.”

“Okay.”



Scarlet: I refuse. I’m so close. I can make it at least one more chapter before I take a break!

SC276: More orange juice?



Feeling somewhat amused, Bloody Velvet watched the dark blue-grey earth pony filly. Her night blue mane was whipped around by the wind,



SC276: Oh yeah sure, now we get her mane color. Did we ever get her coat color? What is with authors being unable to describe characters?



but the filly wasn’t paying attention to her mane; no, the entirety of her focus was spent on watching somepony.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “There he is. Best muscle in six countries. Now what can I do to get my hooks in him?”



Turning her head, Bloody Velvet looked at Rye Mash for a moment, and then she looked at Mousy once more.



SC276: Wait, when did Mousy get involved in this scene? Are we just missing section breaks or something?



Mousy did indeed have a mouse for a cutie mark, a dark mouse with a little pink nose, pink ears, and whiskers. It was an appropriate cutie mark for a sneak thief.



Scarlet: Or a midnight snacker.

SC276: “Sneak thief” as a term contrasts with the adult mood he’s trying to do so hard, it’s actually painful.



Ignoring the twitching in her legs, Bloody Velvet tried to enjoy the moment. The sun was shining, the breeze was pleasant,



SC276: the surroundings were changing without any proper notice,



and some filly on the verge of marehood was infatuated with her rescuer. It amused Bloody Velvet a great deal, but there was something to be said about being in distress and having a rescuer show up that coloured your perceptions.



Scarlet: I’d like to vote the preceding paragraph “worst construction this chapter.” Half these ideas don’t even flow into each other.



“Do you like what you see?” Bloody Velvet asked.

“Huh?” Mousy jumped and she looked around with a guilty expression upon her face. “I don’t know what you mean…”



Scarlet: There have been a lot of moments so far where I’ve just broken character because the fic is forcing me to “what even am I reading”. This is turning into another one.



“You’ve been staring at him for the past hour while he’s been trying to help Woe learn her letters.” Bloody Velvet looked down at the pair and then back at Mousy.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “He does realize she learned to read when she was four, right?”

SC276: [Velvet] “UNIT-WOE HAS DESIGNATED WE ARE TO HUMOR UNIT-RYE.”



“It’s not every day that you see a stallion being so nice to a filly—”

“A colt. Rye is a colt. And Rye is in that odd place where his body is mature but his mind still needs to grow up a bit… you know, the age where stupidity reigns and a colt does everything he can to impress everypony around him, especially fillies.”



SC276: You mean exactly the age Kudzu’s at?

Scarlet: [Velvet] “BUT THIS UNIT LOVES HIM ANYWAY. INSOFAR AS MY COLD, MECHANICAL HEART IS CAPABLE.”

[Mousy] “And that is just weird.”



A sullen frown crept over Mousy’s face. The filly said nothing, but glanced at Bloody Velvet for a full minute before returning her eyes to Rye Mash. Her small frame flexed as she sighed.



Scarlet: [Mousy] “So many plans… so little time. You and me, kid. We’re gonna go places.”



The amusement Bloody Velvet felt turned sour. She was stuck on a ship with not one, but several hot blooded types, two of them being quite young, and there was no offense greater than speaking ill of somepony’s crush.



SC276: Pretty sure Topher could find something worse, lady.

Topher: Let me get the list. *pulls out and opens a scroll, which continues to unroll along the floor and out the door*



She could feel Mousy’s growing annoyance and anger.



SC276: No, you’re sensing us.



Of course, in Mousy’s eyes, her handsome rescuer could do no wrong. Bloody Velvet rolled her eyes.



Scarlet: This plot was absolutely necessary, absolutely, yes, totally, of course.



“He’s not stupid, he was brilliant! He pulled those guns out and he took control of the situation… they tried to surround him, and Rye warned them in a very polite way that they were about to die. He had spectacular manners… and when the trouble started, he blew the padlock right off of the kangaroo’s cage and she got out and Rye could have killed all of them, but he was so dashing… he only killed a few of them and he was very polite about it and then he made good his escape, taking me and Oola with him.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “UNIT-MOUSY HAS LEFT SO MUCH INFORMATION OUT OF THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT THAT IT QUALIFIED AS A LIE.”

[Mousy] “Wow. Woe really did get you fixed up well, didn’t she?”

SC276: Polite polite polite. Polite polite? Polite!



Staring at Rye, Mousy heaved another sigh, her ribs expanding and then contracting. As she sighed, her eyelashes fluttered like little butterflies in the breeze.



Scarlet: Right off her face, and away from this story entirely. *waves farewell*

SC276: TAKE ME WITH YOU.



Oola and I, Bloody Velvet thought to herself, feeling a growing feeling of annoyance.



SC276: She’s feeling a feeling? How novel.



The sense of infatuation was almost nauseating at this point for Bloody Velvet. Mousy knew almost nothing about Rye Mash, other than he had rescued her, that he was kind, and that he was good at getting out of a tight spot.



Scarlet: And I’ll just say that last sentence has an ending which is the definition of riffer serendipity.



She turned away from the earth pony and looked at The Whalefish, which flew ahead of The Apogee.



SC276: [Woe] “Don’t want to embarrass Spyglass’s ass off by going too fast now.”



Bloody Velvet didn’t even know how to begin to explain to Mousy that the filly had competition from another admirer with a strong crush; Starjammer was far more suave and sophisticated, not to mention that Starjammer knew how to play the game better.



Scarlet: ...She. Is. Twelve. Maybe thirteen. She’s much, much younger than Rye! Playing the game my ass, she’s a kid! Kudzu, do I need to Chris Hansen this shit? What… I…

RingmasterJ5: Also, it’s worth noting that any conflict he tries to bring about because of this is completely fucking pointless because he already spoiled in the comments that the pairings are Rye/Mousy and Velvet/Starjammer. The former are the grandparents of Berry Punch in The Chase, while the latter are the ancestors of… Sunset Shimmer? The hell?

Scarlet: ...So instead of either of the two appropriately-aged love interests, he decided to go with the lolicon ship. Lovely.

SC276: One, given that pretty much every filly in this fic talks about taking it in the ass, that seems stupidly obvious; and two, isn’t Spelljammer on this ship? Why’d she look over at the Koholint there?



“Velvet?”

“What?” Bloody Velvet returned her attention to Mousy, expecting more inane drivel.



SC276: I expect that every time I hear a new riff goes up.



“I overheard you and Captain Spyglass talking about piloting this ship when it is chasing the beacon on the other ship.



SC276: Talking about chasing Beacon just makes me miss RWBY.



I know that pilots have shifts and somepony will have to look after the wheel if we go flying off to do something… could I learn how to fly?”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “NEGATIVE. ONLY UNIT-WOE IS AWARE OF THIS VESSEL’S CONTROL SCHEMATICS.”



Taken aback, Bloody Velvet was not at all prepared for this question, and all of her sarcasm died in her throat.



SC276: She’s capable of sarcasm?



This was unexpected and Bloody Velvet had to think about how to reply to the earth pony filly.

“This is a big deal for me… I can start a new life. I don’t have to be the way I was. I was trapped before… but now… now I can do anything.



SC276: Well anything as long as it involves also being a sky pirate.

Scarlet: [Mousy] “Just gotta convince that palooka over there than he’s gonna need himself a right-hand woman and then…”



I can be a sneak thief because I want to, not because I have to.



SC276: Stop saying “sneak thief.” What other type of thief even is there.



And I don’t have to do bad things… at least I hope I don’t. I don’t want to be just a thief. I don’t want that to be the first thing ponies think about when my name is said. I’m also a dancer, but nopony ever thinks of that when I’m mentioned.



SC276: Lady, if you’re offering to dance, I’m sure I can get a harem outfit sewn up quickly for you to do it in. ...Don’t judge me, there are people who wear outfits like that just because they find it relaxing.

Scarlet: I’m not so much judging out over that as she’s twelve. I don’t blame you for forgetting this, since the fanfic clearly doesn’t remember.



I’m a passable singer too, but nopony ever thinks of that when they think of me, either.”



Scarlet: How touching. I am so invested in this right now. Hate. HATE! HAAAAAAAAAATE.



Bloody Velvet’s hard edge softened and she felt herself warming to the filly. “When you come on a ship, and you take to the sky or the sea, you leave your old life behind. That’s why ponies join the crew.



SC276: [Velvet] “THAT AND THEY WERE STUFFED IN A BARREL WHEN WE RAIDED THEM AND BROUGHT ONBOARD.”



Out here, you make a name for yourself and you can be anypony that you want to be.



SC276: ~Unlimited… We could be unlimited…~

Scarlet: Great, you’ve connected Wicked to this fanfic. I hope you’re happy now.



I was a soft spoken noble at one point in my life, a mare named Cerise Velvet. I was genteel. I had the best education. I had everything… but, I was also walked all over, trampled upon, and treated like dirt.



SC276: And had extra spaces inserted. Also, if you’re being those last three things, that sounds like not having everything.



I was only good for bearing foals.



RingmasterJ5: Having sadly read parts of The Chase, you’d be surprised how much focus is placed upon that in this fic. (spoiler: way, WAY too much)



But here… in the open skies…” Bloody Velvet looked at the blue skies and the clouds all around her. “Out here in the open skies, I became Bloody Velvet, the terror lurking in the clouds. At home, Cerise Velvet was a quiet mare that could be bullied into submission. But Bloody Velvet has command. She has power.



SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT HAS A QUAD-CORE MICROPROCESSOR.”



She can pilot a ship, she can fight, she commands respect from the entire crew. Out here, anything is possible.”



Scarlet: Guys, I think Kudzuhaiku might be a One Piece fan. Just a thought.

RingmasterJ5: I’d honestly be surprised if he does pretty much ANYTHING that’s not FiMFic.

SC276: Particularly for how freakin’ long it’s gotten.



“Anything?” Mousy turned and looked Velvet in the eye.

“Anything,” Bloody Velvet replied. “Right now, you are an earth pony that is flying, soaring through the domain of the pegasi. You’re already doing the impossible.”



Scarlet: I need something appropriately shounen to play in the background here. Hmmm… yeah, that’ll do.



“I hadn’t thought of that.” Mousy smiled and then turned to look at Rye Mash. “I know what I want.”

Heaving a sigh of frustration, Bloody Velvet stormed away in a huff, frustrated beyond measure by the infatuated filly.



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT IS UNIT-RYE’S PRIMARY INTEREST AND NO ONE ELSE.”

SC276: “I’ve chosen not to go with strangers.”



Author's Note:

Another chapter should be out soonish... I have the material ready to go, just needs to be hammered out.



Scarlet: HURRAY.

SC276: Hey, whatever gets this over with faster.



Chapter 20



“Rye, you look terrible, how about you taking a break for a day or two?” Captain Spyglass, worried for his cabin colt, studied Rye Mash’s red, bleary eyes.



Scarlet: It’s still talking to me. STOP TALKING TO ME, FIC.



The Whalefish and The Apogee were making good time on their way to Sable Blanc. The skies were clear, there had been no trouble, it was smooth sailing, which made Spyglass happy.



SC276: Until he realized just how Rye was happy.



But he feared the boredom was having a terrible effect upon his cabin colt.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “My ass is next…”

SC276: ~We’ve got cabin fever, we’ve lost all sense we’ve had / We’ve got cabin fever, we’re all going mad!~



“Salad Days is a major buyer… I don’t know who he is, but he keeps showing up. He was a member of House Avarice I think… I can’t be sure. He was chased out of Equestria and then chased out of the Shire Isles. His current whereabouts are unknown,” Rye mumbled.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I ever so want to introduce him to Louise and Jeffrey…”

SC276: One, I thought it was Shetland Isles; and two, how do you get chased out of effectively the mud flats, being too much of an arrogant fop that refuses to adapt?



Captain Spyglass pondered Rye’s words. Rye had been combing through the remaining ledgers and bits of communication that had not been given to the Broker. This information that Rye was gleaning was powerful, dangerous, and perhaps even useful.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Turns out that Grillby’s was pretty damn good, too. And greasy.”

SC276: How could it not be useful if it’s dangerous?



“Near as I can tell, Peck and Paw are two of Salad Days’ flunkies and maybe also a project. I think. I don’t know, it’s confusing. I think they might be griffons.”



SC276: Do we have a pattern for gryphon naming conventions, or…?

Scarlet: Well if you go by actual show canon, they favor names beginning with “G”. If you go by this fic’s canon, EVERYTHING IS GRYPHON NAME.



Rye Mash eased his haunches down to the deck and sat down, his mane whipping around his face as he did so.



SC276: I whip my mane back and forth...



“I have determined one thing though. They are part of the plot to take down Princess Celestia and find some way to remove her from power. Of this, I am certain, call it a gut feeling, even though I don’t have hard evidence just yet.”



Scarlet: Yes of course the best possible thing you can do to ensure the status quo is maintained is depose a ruler of course, makes perfect sense, wat.

SC276: Besides the message treating the word “sun” as a proper noun?



“I’m not sure you can remove an immortal alicorn from power,” Captain Spyglass said.



Scarlet: Also, yeah, there’s that. Hey Spyglass, wanna riff the next line or two in my place? I’m getting sleepy.



“Sure you can. It is said that Princess Celestia had a sister. I don’t know her name, but there was a fight between the sisters or something. Hard to say what happened, it’s all legend now.



SC276: Apparently not a very well remembered one.



There is no sister to be found, so that suggests that alicorns can either be killed or somehow locked away.” Rye Mash shook his head. “Lace Collar talked about it a few times.”



Scarlet: Neeeevermind. So wait, the plot of this story involves a royal coup… and it’s about privateers. Stopping slavers. I… yeah. WHAT.

SC276: [Telescope] “Captain, this is way out of our job description.”



Feeling unsettled, Captain Spyglass didn’t like this line of reasoning. Stories of Princess Celestia’s sister were just stories to him. He had no way of knowing if such a sister existed or what had happened to her.



Scarlet: Didn’t Twilight need to dig that whole thing out of a book buried in the Canterlot library anyway? And wasn’t it just vague references to Nightmare Moon, not Celestia’s sister? It doesn’t even identify her as an Alicorn!

SC276: Looking over the fan-recorded transcript for the first episode because pulling up the episode itself would take to long, I’m a busy guy… It doesn’t name names except Nightmare Moon, but does mention that the ponies that rose the sun and moon were sisters, and it’s a hard fact that Celestia raises the sun.



“Where are the alicorns anyway? Gone… Princess Celestia had to come from somewhere. She had to be born.



SC276: Oh god, we’re getting into this branch of fan theories again...



So where are her parents? Dead is my guess… I reckon there are ways to kill alicorns or remove them from power. Princess Celestia is the only one that exists. The last one. Somepony would have some serious bragging rights if they could claim that they killed the last alicorn—”



Scarlet: [Rye] “And that gives me all sorts of ideas!”

SC276: Now I want Avatar: The Last Alicorn.



“Mister Mash, this line of reasoning is terrible.” Captain Spyglass felt a cold chill spike into his spine.



Scarlet: Oh hey, Spyglass really did take over for me on that one!



“Anyways, Mister Mash, please,



SC276: Did you really need to use his full address both times in subsequent sentences?



you have earned your salt and then some. Please, take a break for a day or two. Get some rest. Spend time with your crew mates. Have some fun. You are beginning to worry me.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “More than usual, I mean.”



“Okay, fine,” Rye Mash replied, sounding very much like a scolded foal.

“If you must read or commit to acts of self improvement, read a cookbook or that book about wound care given to you,” Captain Spyglass suggested.



SC276: Are you talking about that one from back when the Fates were in this thing? Now you’re going to make that relevant?



The captain smiled and then glanced around the deck. “Now if you will excuse me, I must go and check on Miss Mousy. I understand that she shows some small potential as a pilot.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “And by that, I mean literally small. She’s the worst pilot I’ve ever seen and I want her nowhere near the controls.”



“You know Starjammer, you have the most perfect grey eyes I think I’ve ever seen,” Bloody Velvet said as she peered into said grey eyes. Grey as a winter’s day. Grey as stormclouds.



Scarlet: I’m sorry, did I take a wrong turn during my pirate story and walk into a romance?

RingmasterJ5: There was supposed to be a line break there that apparently didn’t carry over into the document… but still, this scene comes out of nowhere either way.

SC276: [Velvet] “AN EXACT #7F7F7F ALL THE WAY AROUND. ASTONISHING.”



Starjammer, grinning, squirmed away from Bloody Velvet and then resumed his walk down the narrow passage, his head held high and his hips rocking back and forth in a very feminine manner.



Scarlet: Bishounen intensifies.



Shuddering from her Shivers,



SC276: What about her Timbers? And her Diddy Kongs, while we’re at it?



Bloody Velvet enjoyed the show. Starjammer was something worth watching. Pristine white pelt, silvery blonde mane and tail… and those perfect grey eyes. There were nobles, and there were nobles.



Scarlet: Hold on, I have to have an appropriate link somewhere… aaand nope, nothing but awkward bits of larger scenes and porn. Damn.

SC276: Aren’t nobles everything you’ve come to hate, lady? Why would you find them attractive?



Starjammer had fantastic breeding. There was nothing common about him at all, and just looking at him made Bloody Velvet feel like a giddy little filly on her first day of school.



SC276: I find that a poor simile due to the fact he’s been on this crew at least a few weeks by now.



She kept watching, hoping that Starjammer’s flowing tail would swish to one side long enough for her to catch a glimpse of—

“Whatcha looking at?”



Scarlet: [Woe] “How are you enjoying your repaired libido systems, Velvet? ...Velvet?”



Startled, Bloody Velvet let out a faint squeak. Turning her head, she looked down at Woe Betide. Bloody Velvet’s mouth went as dry as the desert in the span of a second and she didn’t know how to respond to the filly’s inquiry.



SC276: Well the gut reaction is “nothing.” Start with that.



Avoiding the issue would only bring more questions. Knowing Woe Betide as well as Bloody Velvet did, she decided to be honest.



Scarlet: [Velvet] “Not quite as much as this unit is enjoying the temporary repairs done to volume control. And also…”



“I was trying to catch a peek at Starjammer’s goodies as he walked away.”

The filly rolled her eyes and let out a disgusted snort. “Pervert,” she said as she turned to walk away.



SC276: [Woe] “Needs toning down, but at least I know it worked.”



She tucked her tail between her legs and trotted off, glancing over her shoulder at Bloody Velvet. “Stop looking at me.”



Scarlet: [Woe] “No, seriously. That’s creepy. *sighs*... Vexation. Back to the drawing board, I suppose.”



The absurdity of the situation lingered in the air for a moment and then, surprising herself, Bloody Velvet began to laugh. She threw back her head and guffawed at the series of events and their ever so strange conclusion.



Scarlet: A nine year old kid just got leered at ha ha ha ha so funny ha ha ha ha DIETHEDEATHSENTENCEDTODEATHTHEGREATEQUALIZERISDEATH.

SC276: Oh fuck, she’s losing emotional control and her magic’s about to make her explode! Hit the deck! *dives to the floor*



“We have a ship,” Bloody Velvet said to Rye in a voice loud enough to be heard over the wind.



SC276: We have a Hulk.



“Still a good distance away. I’m about to wink over and let Captain Spyglass know. I don’t know what’s on it, but I sense misery even from this distance.”



Scarlet: Say it with me everyone: “It’s the riffers!”

RingmasterJ5: There was supposed to be another scene break around there, too. Is it just me, or did this part not really need them that much until this chapter?

SC276: I’m resisting the urge to offer setup formatting assistance because I’m afraid I’ll go a little too power-mad. Again.



“Nuts, here I was, enjoying myself, and these lovely days of not killing something.” Rye Mash’s face twisted into a scowl and his red, bloodshot eyes narrowed.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Well, that’s a lie, but I was just engaging in some perfectly lovely coitus with Oola.”



“Rye, you look terrible… you really need some sleep,” Bloody Velvet said.

“I can’t sleep… and you know why.” Rye Mash looked at The Whalefish. “You had better go tell the captain. I’m ready already. I’m bored. Let’s get this over with.”



Scarlet: Once again, the story speaks for me. Nine pages or so left.

SC276: I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!



“Coal steamer by the looks of it, you can see the smokestacks but no smoke. Ship’s not moving.”



SC276: This is totally a trap. This is so freakin’ trap, I’m remembering a specific Star Trek TNG episode.

Scarlet: There was crossdressing in TNG?



Spyglass pulled his telescope away from his eye



SC276: [Spyglass] “...Oh right, I can’t remove it.”



and then slid it back into his broad black sash.

“Feels like a slaver ship. Lots of misery. All equine though.” Bloody Velvet looked at the pegasus beside her. “Dead in the air. Not moving. I don’t like this.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “This unit suspects imminent malfunction of her voLU- DAMN IT. THERE IT GOES.”

[Woe] “Every. Time.”

SC276: Maybe it’s like Richard Watterson getting a job. It stays at normal volume long enough, the universe ends. ...Woe needs to keep trying.



“Might be a trap.” Spyglass gave a wise nod to the unicorn at his side.



SC276: Beat ya to it.



“She’s not a big ship, maybe a fifty footer. If there are no griffons, minotaurs, or diamond dogs, we might have found ourselves a slave ship run by ponies… and if that is the case… you know what we must do.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Throw Rye aboard, and keep our heads down until the blood stops.”



“Yeah, I know.” Bloody Velvet heaved a weary sigh. “No quarter, no surrender, no prisoners.



SC276:



We have a reputation to maintain.”

“Get ready for a fight!” Captain Spyglass commanded.



Scarlet: Engage RPG battle theme!

SC276: BA-LUM BA-LUM BA-LUM BA-LUM BA-LUM BA-LUM BA-LUM BA-LUM



The ship made no effort to protect itself. No cannons were fired. No pegasi swarmed off of the deck. No defensive spells or offensive spells happened. There was nothing, and this worried Rye Mash a great deal.



Scarlet: Me even more so. The crazy violence is all that keeps me going in these riffs!

SC276: I’m waiting for the ship to just blow up and take them out.



Even more worrisome were the foals visible on the deck as they approached. It confused Rye a great deal. If this was a trap, it was an elaborate one.



SC276: [Rye] “I should take notes. I might be able to steal ideas for when I need to trap my own enemies.”



Carried by Spyglass because Skeeter was still unwell,



SC276: Does this guy do anything?



Rye Mash tried not to think about the fact that it was over a thousand feet down to the ocean below.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Huzzah! I only pissed myself once, this time!”

SC276: How many points does he receive?



When his hooves hit the deck, he was greeted by wide staring eyes. Rye kept his guns away as he tried to figure out what was going on. This was something he wasn’t prepared for. He heard a grunt of confusion from Oola as she was set down beside him. It had taken several pegasi to carry her over.



Scarlet: Again: Half a foot of difference.

SC276: Well also possibility of a full foot of difference, but yeah, still stupid.



“Hello,” one of the foals said in a small voice. A young colt, he stepped forwards and looked up at Captain Spyglass. “Are you here to help us?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “That depends. How do you feel about-”

[Spyglass] *thwacks Rye over the head, knocking him out* “Yes. Yes we are.”



After taking a moment to gather his wits, Captain Spyglass took a deep breath and then replied with a question. “What happened here?”



Scarlet: [Foal] “The revolution, man. No more teachers! No more books!”

SC276: [foal] “I HAVE THE CONCH!”



The colt, who looked a little fearful, looked around at his fellow foals. “We were taken from our home. We come from the Shetlands. We were rounded up and taken during the sweeps.”



SC276: Heard that sob story a million times.



“Where are your captors?” Captain Spyglass asked, feeling a cautious sense of optimism that this excursion might end without killing.



Scarlet: [Foal] “Like, we sent them on a journey to find themselves. At the bottom of the sea, man.”



“They all got sick and died,” the colt replied. “A few of us had the pony pox when we were taken. I think they got it.”



Scarlet: [Foal] “Like, Petal mixed them up some reallll heavy salts, and then…”



“Hmm.” Spyglass studied the colt.

“Captain?” Rye Mash said in low voice. “I’ve had the pony pox. We Shetlanders get it and we get a little sick, it covers us in little sores and blisters, but it doesn’t kill us very often. Mainlanders though… ponies not from the Shetlands… it’s known to kill. High fever, vomiting, and the explosive splatters.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “When did you wake up?”

[Rye] “Almost instantly. I was having a tender conversation with Lady Antoinette until now.”

SC276: ...Isn’t that like, chicken pox roughly? Also, how the fuck are the Shetland Isles so separate from Equestria that they’re different countries? Also also, I’m reminded of that one “zombie” movie where the zombie-causing virus was “cooties” and only children were affected.



“Oh dear,” Captain Spyglass gasped. “Thank you, Mister Mash. Explosive splatters. Lovely.”



SC276: The sarcasm is strong with this one.



The pegasus looked down at the colt. “Is anypony sick now?”



Scarlet: [Foal] “Well man, like, most of you are if you don’t get off the ship?”



“Just the captain’s second mate. He’s locked himself into the captain’s quarters. I think he’s dying,” the colt replied. As he spoke, more foals crept forward, giving hopeful looks to Captain Spyglass and his crew.

“I take it everypony else is dead?” Spyglass looked around the deck at the starving foals.



Scarlet: [Foal] “Well, like, we’re not, yet, but it comes to all in time. At some point we all have to head back to that spirit in the sky, man.”



He could see far too many ribs, signs of dehydration, and abuse.



SC276: Gheeze, no one knows how to take care of their freakin’ tools in these stories.



He swallowed his rage and kept his calm, cool demeanour. “Mister Mash, since you are likely immune, would you mind paying a visit to the second mate?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Oh yes.”

[Spyglass] “Why do I keep making decisions I know I’ll regret?”



“I’d love to,” Rye replied. He looked down at the foals. “Can one of you take me to him? I’m a Shetlander… my name is Rye Mash.”

“Follow me,” a filly said in a raspy, hoarse voice.



Scarlet: ~Don’t follow me, got my spine I got my orange crush~

SC276: Where are they planning to drop off a boatload of foals again?



The door was locked. This was a bit of a problem and Rye Mash wished that he had thought ahead.



SC276: You’ve never done that before, now’s no time to start.



He stood there, feeling a little stupid, not quite knowing what to do. He glanced down at the filly and then looked at the door. It was a very sturdy door. Of course it was a sturdy door. You didn’t want slaves getting in and murdering you in your sleep.



Scarlet: Well of course it was. Boss room!

SC276: Well I suppose Velvet or Starjammer could magically unlock it-



“Move! Outathaway!”

Rye stepped back, squeezing against the wall as Oola came barreling forward through the narrow hallway.



SC276: -or the supposed giant could fit inside a pony-sized ship corridor.



Oola, a kangaroo, was probably immune to pony pox. Rye watched as the kangaroo sized up the door.



Scarlet: [Oola] “Probably. Although nothing a bit of the old in-out couldn’t cure if I did it get, I suppose.”



“The captain said you’d be stymied by the door, runt,” Oola said.

“Rye—”

“Runt,” Oola said as she reached out and pinched Rye Mash’s cheek, giving it a good tug.



SC276: When suddenly, kanga mom.

Scarlet: Oh shit! If she mega evolves, she’ll BREAK the tiers completely!



“Aye, stand back, I can have this open in a jiffy!”



Scarlet: [Oola] “C’mere, door! We’re about to have ourselves a night of excitement!”



Rye moved back and the filly followed. As he watched, Oola leaned back, balanced upon her long tail, and she slammed both of her hind legs into the door. It was ripped from its hinges and fell to the floor with a clatter.



Scarlet: [Oola] “Acts the same way most of my suitors do. Wankers.”

SC276: I’m sorry, I’m just thinking of all the freakin’ Redwall hares right now. I think it might be my survival instincts kicking in.

Scarlet: ...I regret my decision not to write meta-Oola as Basil Stag Hare now.



“Thank you, ma’am,” Rye Mash said as he stepped through the doorway and over the fallen door. “Stay outside of the door, little filly, we adults are about to do some very bad things.



SC276: [foal] “I’ve seen every single adult on this ship die because vaccines haven’t been invented yet. I don’t think-”

[Rye] “I have a reputation for shooting crotches off.”

[foal] “...OK yeah, I’ll just wait here.”



Oola, follow me if you will.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “We’ll need your expertise, after all. I’ve never murderfucked a terminally ill pony!”



The room reeked of urine and feces.



SC276: [Rye] “Wait, how’d we get to the slave stables?”



There was a pony in the bed, a pegasus, and he did nothing but stare at his visitors. Rye Mash crossed the room, his head high, his attitude cocky, and Oola followed along at his side.



Scarlet: [Pegasus] “Well, this is how I always knew I’d die.”



“Well, good day, sir. It seems that you have gone and caught yourself a case of the pony pox. How ya feeling?” Rye asked in a chipper voice.



Scarlet: [Pegasus] “Regret.”



The pegasus groaned but did not reply.

His eyes narrowing, Rye took a step forward. “I’m going to ask you questions. You know how this works. No sense in threatening you.



SC276: One moan for yes, two moans for no.



Where to begin… where to begin.” Rye Mash glanced at Oola, saw her nod, and then asked, “Who do you work for?”



Scarlet: [Pegasus] “A dead mare who used to be the captain. Did you miss the part about us all dying of pony pox?”



“Piss off,” the pegasus replied.



Scarlet: I like you!



“Tsk tsk,” Rye clucked with his tongue. “What a pity. So much for being civil… Oola, make him screech.”

“Aye, my pleasure,” Oola replied as she stepped forwards.



Scarlet: [Oola] “I likes this position very much. I call it the ball-buster!”

SC276: I find it hard to believe they’ve become a perfect interrogation team when they only meet each other, what, a week ago?



Reaching down, the kangaroo grabbed the pegasus by the left front leg.



SC276: I’m fairly certain that even in general pony terminology, the front legs are called arms.



She gave a good yank and then began twisting. Grinning, Oola gave another sharp yank on the twisted limb, and it popped from the socket, causing the pegasus to whimper.



SC276: ...Did she just dislocate her shoulder or did she tear his arm off? And in either case, I’m pretty sure he’d do more than just whimper.



She gave another yank, heard a whimper, and then let go.

“That was not a screech,” Rye said in a somewhat annoyed voice.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I want to hear him sing symphonies of pain!”



“Whataya want me to do about it?” Oola looked down at Rye and shrugged.

“Who do you work for?” Rye asked in a low, flat monotone. “I am losing my patience.



SC276: Us first.



My hired help was told to make you screech, and she failed to do so. Now I am in a sour mood.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Sorry about the hired help bit, Oola dear. Practicing for when I’m the emperor.”

[Oola] “Ah, don’t worry yourself about it. That WAS a pretty pitiful speech.”



Reaching back, Oola then dropped a left hook upon the side of the pegasus’ skull. “You got me chewed out by me boss, you toerag!” Oola pulled back her clenched fist and made ready for another strike.

“Tell me who you work for,” Rye demanded.



Scarlet: [Pegasus] *stare of disbelief at this guy’s stupidity intensifies*



“Yer mother,” the pegasus said in a weak, wavering voice.



SC276: You know, they literally can just search the room. House Greedyguts has always left a pretty heavy paper trail. They’re just doing this to be sadistic.



“Oola, here is your chance to redeem yourself. Make him screech.” Rye stepped back, his nostrils crinkling from the stench coming off of the bed.



Scarlet: [Oola] “And here comes the funky chicken!”



“I think I know what’ll make him screech.” Oola grabbed the pegasus by the wing. “That’s just rude, by the way, talking about somebody’s mum.” Oola began twisting the wing, applying more and more pressure. She kept going when she saw the pegasus’ eyes open wide. There was a loud popping sound as the wing was dislocated and Oola smiled when she heard a screech. It wasn’t much of a screech, kind of pathetic, but there was no satisfaction like a job well done.



Scarlet: Our heroes. They torture sick people!



“Now, tell me who you work for, or I shall ask Oola to make you sing. In Canterlot, I loved to hear the voices of the castrati singers, until I learned what the word castrati meant.”



SC276: ...Plural for a male singing voice produced by castration before puberty? Given this guy’s been shown to have balls, I doubt you’re going to get the same tone out of him.

Scarlet: Ssssshhhh, it’s Rye. Rye doesn’t really know anatomy.



Rye Mash’s eyes glittered with rage as he thought about all of the foals on the deck and there were plenty more belowdecks, no doubt.



Scarlet: [Rye] “No testicles? Such a waste! That’s a full half a group of positions they won’t be as efficient in!”



This had happened to him, and now, the memory was fresh in his mind. It was like ripping open a scab to let the infection out.



SC276: I will never take medicine for granted ever again.



It took every ounce of will that Rye possessed to maintain a calm outward appearance.

“Piss off—”



Scarlet: [Pegasus] “Seriously, I worked for the captain, the captain’s dead! Lemme give you a hint: ask who our buyers are.”



“Oola, I cannot abide his enduring attitude of defiance,” Rye said, shaking his head.



SC276: “Baymax, kill.”



Scowling, Oola reached down, grabbed the pegasus, flipped him over, ignored his struggles, ignored the caked on filth, and snatched the pegasus by his testicles. With a yank, she hoisted the pegasus out of the bed, picking him up by his balls. She then slapped the pegasus in the face as he squirmed and made feeble kicks. The room filled with a high pitched siren wail as the pegasus dangled by his balls.



Scarlet: How noble.

RingmasterJ5: Yep, this story is still rated T.

SC276: Well that’s definitely something I needed to visualize to have a fulfilling weekend.



“Last time!” Rye shouted.

“House Evening Star!” the pegasus squeaked in a shrill, high pitched voice.



Scarlet: [Pegasus, thinking] “Just make up shit that sounds plausible, just make up shit that sounds plausible-”

SC276: Oh how interesting, all the noble houses that are probably in this series, and you run into the one working for the house that your first mate/sub-captain/robot came from. What a coinkydink.



“And where were you going?” Rye demanded.

“Griffonholm!” the pegasus replied.



SC276: They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard?



“You disgust me!” Snarling, Rye looked up at Oola. “Drop him.”



Scarlet: [Oola] “Aaah, what a pity. Was hoping to make myself a little castrati singer.”



“With pleasure.” Oola gave one final fierce squeeze to the testicles she held in her left paw and then let go, dropping the pegasus to the floor. She stepped back, a lewd grin on her face.



Scarlet: [Oola] “Rye, accompany me back to the cabin for a round of fornication and endless delight?”

SC276: [Rye] “Don’t you know it!”



Pulling out a pistol, Rye Mash pressed it against the pegasus’ skull and pulled the trigger, causing the pegasus’ brains to go spurting out of the other side of his head.

“I need to wash me paws, I do. I feel dirty,” Oola said.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I like dirty.”



Author's Note:

House Evening Star... who remembers what house that is from The Chase?



Scarlet: I don’t even what.

RingmasterJ5: From a quick Ctrl+F of The Chase, it seems to be part of a weird “shadow government” with House Avarice that worships Nightmare Moon and tried to summon her once. Problem is, the main fic already spoils that the summoning won’t happen/work in this fic because the Nightmare Moon encounter happens at the same time it did in the show in the main fic, and this is set 200 years before that. Sort of a shame, because suddenly having Nightmare Moon’s return thrown in here along with everything else would at least make things slightly more interesting.

SC276: Also, I recall it being mentioned in the first chapter that House Evening Star was what our little robot girl here was a defector from. Or at least I think it was like that. Weird how I cling to that and that’s like the main thing I remember from the first part. ...If this story continues, I’m willing to bet Velvet’s gonna get kidnapped at some point.



Chapter 21



Rye Mash took a deep, calming breath that did nothing to calm him. He looked down at the deck, staring for a moment, and then looked up at Captain Spyglass, his eyes pleading for some kind of reassurance. He drew another shuddering breath, shook his head, and then cleared his throat.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Is it terminal? Will she be alright?”

[Spyglass] “For the love of- Oola just started coughing, so Woe took her aside to mix up some antibiotics for her! She’s fine!”



“Mister Mash, it is not a big loss. I am certain we will find a few helpful bits of documentation.



SC276: [Spyglass] “In all my years, I have never known these high-class criminals to carry anything less than all the evidence needed to incarcerate them.”



Please, do try to be calm,” Captain Spyglass said to his cabin colt.

“We have to take them home,” Rye Mash blurted out.



Scarlet: [Rye] “To my home, I mean. A beautiful place where they can laugh, be free, experience love-”



Captain Spyglass stood still, unmoving, staring at his cabin colt. He sighed, looking thoughtful, and after a long moment, he shook his head. “We can’t do that. The Shetlands are too far away. The resources needed for that length of a trip would be—”



Scarlet: [Spyglass, thinking] “Buy it, buy it, buy it-”



“We need to take them home!” Rye shouted, his voice cracking as he struggled to contain his emotion. He took a step towards his captain, his eyes narrow, pleading. “They were stolen just like I was stolen.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “I have a sense of kinship with them! Sexy kinship!”



“And if we took them back, they would just be stolen again, Mister Mash. What’s done is done.” Captain Spyglass’ eyes narrowed and his ears splayed out sideways. “Mister Mash, we will help them, I give you my word. In Fancy, there is a sizable population of Clan Pickled. They have wineries and vast tracts of farmland.



SC276: “Vast… tracts of land!”



They are a regional power. I daresay they will be better off in Fancy.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass, thinking] “Buy it, buy it, buy it you son of a bitch or I’ll-”



“Okay,” Rye Mash replied, relenting.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I suppose I could always call on them after conquering the world.”



Captain Spyglass looked around the deck, hopeful for a better future for the foals that had been recovered, worried about disease, and feeling concerned for his cabin colt, who appeared to be under significant stress.



SC276: ...Why hasn’t Spyglass caught anything from being near the foals that infected the entire previous crew in the first place?



“Mister Mash, I assure you, Fancy will be a very good place for them. I know that this is difficult for you, but I do hope that you will trust me.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Yes. That is completely and totally a thing I will let you do after we conquer the world.”



Rye Mash replied in the form of a sigh. “I do.”

“Please, go search the cabin for anything useful. Let me know if you find anything,” Captain Spyglass said to Rye Mash.



Scarlet: You know what that means: Corkscrew hunt!



The corpse was now gone,



SC276: The Pikmin delivered it to the Onion earlier. Pikmin are extinct now.



but the filth remained, the bed a sanitation nightmare. There was only scant documentation to be found. A few bills of sale, a letter, an agreement with the official seal of House Evening Star, and a shipping invoice that made no mention of foals, only resources and ‘foodstuffs’ that were being sold to ‘foreign investors.’



Scarlet: Implied cannibalism in the most subtle manner so far! I rather wish we’d raided this ship first.

SC276: Om nom nom?



Rye Mash worried that he would suffocate upon his rage as he continued to search the cabin.



SC276: If he does, does that mean we can finish early?



Tears stung the corners of his eyes as he worked. He felt hot, as though he had a fever, and he was plagued by nausea.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Huh. Apparently I wasn’t immune to the pony pox…”

[Oola] “Take a sip of this stuff! You’ll be right as rain in two tics!”

[Rye] “...That’s blue ribbon whiskey- aaahh, I see. A woman after my own heart.”



There was a crash followed by the splintering of wood as Oola kicked apart a wooden desk.



SC276: My master is about as subtle as a brick.



Rye watched as the kangaroo sorted through the wreckage, lifting up the wooden drawers and going over the inside of the desk.



Scarlet: [Oola] “A desk killed my father, it did!”



“Found something,” Oola said as she held up a wooden drawer.

The sides of the drawer had hidden catch mechanisms to release the drawer from the desk, something that a unicorn might have been able to trigger to pull the drawer out. Hidden on the end of the drawer was a paper envelope secured to the wood, outside of the drawer, the outer part that would have been flush along the inside of the drawer’s housing.



Scarlet: Riveting.



Rye Mash ripped away the paper.

It was a tax notification, a document stating that taxes had been paid to House Avarice and with the tax notification was a writ of protection, a piece of paper that promised safe passage if shown to any allies of House Avarice.



Scarlet: Paperwork! How incredible!

SC276: Have fun showing it when you had to break open the desk to get to it.



The papers were, by and large, useless. The tax notification was stamped for miscellaneous resources and foreign foodstuffs. There were no names upon the papers. He placed them with the rest of the papers and then looked up at Oola.



Scarlet: [Rye] “So, about that assignation…”



“Thank you,” he said in a raspy voice.

“You look awful.” Reaching down, Oola grabbed Rye Mash and with no real effort at all, she lifted him up, holding him up at eye level, her hands gripping him just below his forelegs, against his ribs. “You ain’t slept in a while and you look terrible.”



SC276: He’s only heard that like a hundred times by now.

Scarlet: [Oola] “Take another drink of that- yeah, that’s it.”



“I’m angry,” Rye Mash said as he dangled in Oola’s grasp.

“Fancy a shag to feel better?” Oola asked.

Rye Mash shook his head. “No thank you, Oola. It’s nothing personal against you, I just don’t think it would make me feel better.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “Oh no! I am getting sick!”

[Oola] “Aye, in the worst way possible.”



“It’d make me feel better,” Oola said, a grin creeping along her features. “If you won’t shag me, you should shag somebody. How about little Miss Mousy? I bet we could get her drunk. Or if you are in the mood for buggery, we could get little Miss Priss into the bed with ya… Starjammer prolly wouldn’t need much in the way of booze to get him agreeable.”



Scarlet: ...She just playfully offered to get a twelve year old drunk so Rye could fuck her. What?

SC276: If Rye’s going to fuck something in this fic, have him fuck the world.

RingmasterJ5: ...It took me a while to realize “Miss Priss” also meant Starjammer, and Oola wasn’t actually recommending Velvet as the best option for anal. What has this fic done to me.



“Oola, thank you for helping me today… I know it was dirty work but—”

“Oh, I enjoyed my work. You ever need a hired goon in the future and I’m all yours.”



SC276: I think we made it perfectly clear she’s already his anyway.



Oola set Rye Mash down upon the floor, patted him on his head, and then leaned back on her long tail. “Think we’re done here?”



Scarlet: [Oola] “What’s it that Mousy keeps sayin’? You and me kid, we’re going places?”

[Rye] “I like the sound of that.”



“I think so, Oola,” Rye replied.

Towed behind The Whalefish, the captured vessel soared through the starry sky. The foals, now made as comfortable as possible, most of them were below decks, sleeping away the night. A few were awake though, prowling the deck, older foals who looked after the smaller ones.



Scarlet: None of them talked about the horrible things that had happened on the island, of the pig hunts, of the battle to the death.



Standing guard on the deck, Rye Mash stood, his cloak wrapped around his body. He stood silent, almost unmoving, remaining upon the captured vessel to look after what he felt was precious cargo.

Alone with his thoughts, Rye Mash thought about when he had been taken in the sweeps all those years ago.



Scarlet: [Rye] “That was when I first learned how much I loved anal…”



Stolen away from his mother, beaten, humiliated, almost broken, and then all of the years of being told how worthless he was, how easily he could be replaced. How lucky he had been to have been taken, to have been lifted up out of the muck and brought to civilisation. How privileged he was, how blessed he was.



Scarlet: Let’s see. This bit is approaching genuine pathos and storytelling. So, how will Kudzu fuck it up this time?

SC276: Five bucks says spectacularly.



Perhaps he had been lucky. Rye Mash considered the fate of these foals. They were being shipped to Griffonholm… as food. It was almost unbelieveable. It seemed so far fetched, yet here he was, sitting on a vessel filled with proof.



Scarlet: Stage one. padding. Excellent, Kudzu, keep going!



Worthless proof that would do nothing. Accomplish nothing. Some ponies were just too powerful. House Avarice followed the golden rule. They had the gold, they made the rules.



Scarlet: And an immersion-shattering reference to Disney’s Aladdin! Well done, Kudzu! Competence averted!

SC276: They’re trying to take over the freakin’ kingdom, we already know they’re assholes! What point does this ship even serve besides making Rye and Oola look like a master interrogation team? And give some sweet values dissonance with the one creature on this ship of a different species acting subservient to the main character?



For a long time, Rye Mash had believed the lie. That he wasn’t a slave, he was a servant, and he was paying a debt for his ‘rescue.’



SC276: I thought the debt was for the unicorn school.



Gritting and grinding his teeth, Rye Mash could scarcely contain his rage.



Scarlet: As the fire began burning deep inside his soul, he became three times more anime than he was previously.



Sable Blanc was considered one of the most beautiful cities in the world. The beach that stretched along the coast consisted of white sand. Almost every building in Sable Blanc was made out of white adobe.



SC276: OK, I’m looking over pictures of Port Blanc from Google Images, and I’m pretty sure the author hasn’t done the same.



Rolling hills extended away from the coastline, hills covered in vineyards for as far as the eye could see.



Scarlet: Well, at least this one’s not filled with shit.



The city by the sea was a mixed community, filled with ponies, zebras, and colony of minotaurs that maintained the fishing fleet. The city had a natural harbour of sorts, a wall of jutting, spiky rocks, some of which were almost a hundred feet tall. On a small island at the mouth of the harbour, there was a fortress with cannons, towers, and a beautiful white lighthouse.



Scarlet: Rye looked at the cannons with longing. They called to him with their siren songs.

SC276: A lighthouse as part of a fortress? I’m just seeing a bunch of rock walls...



As the trio of vessels approached Sable Blanc, two swift moving airships rose from the fortress to greet them in the air. Small vessels that bristled with guns. Being a coastal city, Sable Blanc had to protect its interests and its citizens, and no vessels approached without inspection.



Scarlet: The vessels, upon seeing Rye Mash, immediately opened fire and ended the story prematurely.

SC276: Oh if only we were that lucky.



“Hello Chapelwood,” Captain Spyglass said to the pegasus landing on the deck. “It has been a while since we met last.”



SC276: That’s the name of some church in Houston.



“Hello Spyglass, you old pirate,” Chapelwood replied in a voice that had a thick accent.



SC276: Probably Texan.



“You wound me, old friend.” Spyglass bowed his head and extended his wings, showing that he was unarmed and had no hidden weapons.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Well, except for the laser that miss Woe Betide installed in my spyglass-eye.”

[Chapelwood] “What.”

SC276: It consists of aiming a laser pointer into the eyepiece.



“I see you captured another vessel,” Chapelwood said to Spyglass.

“Some of yours, actually.” Spyglass waited a second for his words to sink in before he continued. “Clan Pickled. They were being sold as foodstuffs and were on their way to Griffonholm.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “And the worst bit is that they would’ve tasted terrible! Everyone knows we Shetlanders do!”



“Feckin’ buggery.” Seeing Bloody Velvet, Chapelwood scowled. “Forgive me.”

“Nothing to forgive. I’ve heard worse… living among pirates.” Bloody Velvet smiled at Chapelwood. “How are you Woody? How are the wives?”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT WOULD LIKE TO INFORM UNIT-RYE OF THE STATUS OF OTHER HAREMS, SO THAT HE MAY BE MORE INFORMED IN HIS DECISIONS REGARDING THEM.”

SC276: I’m having serious trouble regarding who’s talking here.



“Bitchy,” Chapelwood replied. “I married one Shetland mare and she’s ruined all the meek little Fancy mares I’ve collected.”



Scarlet: Sexism, hurray!



Standing beside Captain Spyglass, Bloody Velvet began to chuckle. She made a gesture at the captured vessel. “All foals. The entire lot of them. They’ll need homes.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “As far away from Rye as you can manage, preferably.”



“That can be arranged.” Chapelwood looked over at the vessel. “The vineyards will need workers. I hope you brought me some fine Shetland earth ponies. Nothing, and I mean nothing makes the soil around here favourable like Shetland earth pony hooves.”



Scarlet: [Chapelwood] “And one of my wives makes a lovely Shetland pie!”

[Spyglass] “What?”

[Chapelwood] “Joke, it was a joke! Please stop aiming that laser at me!”

SC276: And now I’m back to thinking about the joke about the American moving to the Shetland Isles again!



“Plenty of earth ponies,” Spyglass replied. The pegasus, looking serious, peered at his friend. “Some of them are a little sick and half starved. They’ll need some care before being shuffled off to work.”



Scarlet: [Chapelwood] “Oh, fine, I suppose I could avoid starving them.”

SC276: Avoid Starve.



“You know that they’ll be looked after.” Chapelwood heaved a sigh. “More and more, Fancy is becoming the new homeland of Clan Pickled. Sometimes I wonder if I should take all of my wealth and my influence and clear those isles myself.”

“Woody, you and I both know that as bad as it is, those isles are home… and nopony wants to be torn from their home,” Spyglass said to his friend.



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Well, nobody except Rye. Rye is fucked up.”



“Those isles are spooky, weird, and awful.” Chapelwood shook his head.



SC276: Wait, when the conversation start being about The Chase?



“I have a Shetlander as my cabin colt. I would introduce you, but he is currently asleep after being awake for several days and standing watch over all of the foals last night.” Spyglass grinned. “You know, Rye Mash reminds me of you, just a little bit. Fearless, devoted—”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “Lazy, perverse, and prone to fornicating with his weapons.”



“And murderous?” Chapelwood asked.

“Perhaps. Just a little,” Spyglass replied.



SC276: The same way the United States is a little of a contrary moron.



He looked at his fellow pegasus, his expression serious. “There is something about that colt. He has potential. He has done nothing but surprise me.



SC276: [Spyglass] “In all the worst ways.”



He is quick witted, learns fast, thinks on his hooves, I think you will like him.”



Scarlet: [Spyglass] “So, how about it? Five bits and he’s yours!”

[Chapelwood] “Sorry, the Broker already passed word along about his tendencies.”

[Spyglass] “That three-legged bastard.”



“If I do, I might have to steal him away. I could use more Regulators.” Chapelwood looked at the crew and then brought his gaze back to Spyglass. “The rules state that no pirates are allowed in Sable Blanc.”



SC276: [Spyglass] “Good thing we’re not pirates then.”



Chapelwood made a gesture, pointing towards the fortress. “I have over four hundred bodies swinging in the wind, each one of them pirates. Tell me, any pirates in your crew?”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “APPROXIMATELY-”



Spyglass stepped forwards and looked Chapelwood in the eye. “Not a one.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “AH, THIS UNIT COMPREHENDS. WE ARE USING POLITE FICTION.”



“Good. You all are welcome to stay as visitors in Sable Blanc. Your captain shall inform you of the rules. Do not run afoul of the Regulators.



SC276: [Chapelwood] “Or the Irregulators, though I have no sway on the crazy detective pony they work for.”



All crimes within the city of Sable Blanc are punished in one of three ways; flogging, death, and being flogged to death.



SC276: And now I hate this city.



We are just about the most peaceful city on the coast and I will not have my beloved peace disturbed.”



Scarlet: [Chapelwood] “I do so enjoy a nice flogging.”



“Make port!” Captain Spyglass commanded. “Ease in! There’ll be tugs to pull us into port. Make ready, and prepare to take on goods!”

“I am heading back to The Apogee.” Bloody Velvet looked at Spyglass. “I need to make certain that Mousy understands that any acts of theft will get her flogged or hung.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “That’s if they catch me, and believe me, I’m not particularly easy to catch. But nah, I’m playing at a bigger game.”



“Check on Mister Mash… I am worried,” Spyglass ordered.



SC276: What, that he’s going to wake up again? *pulls out a crossbow* Not a problem.



“Yes sir, I will do so, sir,” Bloody Velvet replied. She waved her hoof, then vanished.

“Woody, I’ve come for your cheeses… don’t make me sack your beautiful city!”



Scarlet: [Chapelwood] “You do know what those are made from, right?”

[Spyglass] “Seawater and the usual material for cheese. Why?”

[Chapelwood] “Right… seawater…”



“You don’t have the balls!” Chapelwood made a dismissive gesture with his wings.

“Actually, Woody, before we discuss the cheese trade, there is something else I would like to speak with you about in private… think you could arrange for us to have a quiet, secluded place where we could talk about something that is of utmost importance?”



Scarlet: [Chapelwood] “Aaah, an assignation. Been a while.”

SC276: I can’t believe that’s a word. Also, “I require your assistance in a matter of the utmost importance.”



“It could be arranged.” Chapelwood’s eyes narrowed. “Are you about to ask me to do something illegal?”



SC276: Bit of a dumb question, isn’t it.



“Woody, you wound me… I thought we were friends…”



SC276: That is the sort of emotional manipulation that establishes that no, they are not friends.



Author's Note:

The next few chapters will be fun…



SC276: ‘Bout as fun as a jumpscare- SKREEEEEE!! *static*



Chapter 22



Rye Mash peeled open his bleary, sleep encrusted eyes.



SC276: [the sandman] “Dammit, he woke up anyway!”



He had no idea how long he had been asleep.



SC276: Twenty years. The colonies are independant now.



His mouth was dry and his tongue felt shriveled. His lips felt as though they were going to crack. He kicked his legs out of his bunk, hit the floor, and wobbled.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Oola… you have such endurance…”



Faint memories of the nightmare that he had been having lingered. The burlap sack going over his head, the confusing darkness, the feeling of being whipped just to keep him afraid, so he would remain docile and submissive. He shook his head and then his whole body.



Scarlet: He did the hokey pokey and he turned himself around.



He made his way out of his cabin and stumbled off to the bathroom. He shuffled down the hall, stumbled into the wall, groaned, and tried to regain his balance.



SC276: I love how in fiction, the effects of waking up from sleep deprivation is basically the same as having a hangover.



He watched a door open and then he saw Bloody Velvet step out into the hall.

“You’re awake.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT HEARD YOUR SCREAMS LAST NIGHT.”

[Rye] “Oola is… one hell… of a woman…”



Rye Mash tried to talk, but his words came out as a hoarse croak, so he nodded.

“You’ve been asleep for almost eighteen hours. It’s going to be dawn soon.” Bloody Velvet clucked her tongue. “You look awful.”



Scarlet: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT PRESCRIBES TLC.”

[Rye] “Naturally.”



Blinking, Rye Mash did not respond. He could not even begin to imagine how awful he might look.



SC276: We can’t either, because the author sucks at describing people when they’re introduced.



He looked at Bloody Velvet and saw Woe Betide wiggle between Bloody Velvet’s legs. The foal was looking up at him.



Scarlet: [Woe] “I see you survived your escapade with the kangaroo. I can’t say I’m entirely pleased.”



“You okay, Rye?” Woe Betide looked up at her rescuer, her eyes wide with worry.



SC276: Given the whole rescue romance thing, why isn’t Woe in love with Rye now?



There was no reply. Rye Mash shuffled off, almost tripping over his front hooves, heading for the bathroom. He failed to get the door open, walked into it, and almost fell over.



SC276: Seeing the hero-boy make an absolute fool of himself after all his long extrapolated gun stunts is actually pretty funny.



It took several tries to get the door open. Once inside the bathroom, Rye Mash let out a loud, long moan as he began to relieve himself.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I must piss the shame of being the first to orgasm away!”



He did not shut the door behind him.

“I am off on an epic quest… a quest to find breakfast. I shall brave the wilds of this strange new land to find food,” Rye Mash said, sounding a bit more like himself.



SC276: Like an absolute fool? Can’t argue with that!



He held his head high. “I shall go into these wilds to find a delicious meal.” He looked over at Bloody Velvet and Woe Betide. Both were rolling their eyes at him. He looked over at Skeeter instead. “Skeeter… my brave and noble pegasus bodyguard, will you join me?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “After all, a normal pony would have no trouble walking out in the sunlight to enjoy breakfast. Isn’t that right, vampire?”



Skeeter nodded. “Yeah… I think I’m feeling up to it.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “You’re bluffing!”

SC276: Wait, he can talk again? Does that mean he’s going to start actually bodyguarding him?



“Where is Starjammer?” Rye asked.

“He’s sleeping. He was up all night drawing pictures of Oola,” Woe replied.

“Huh.” This was not the reply that Rye Mash expected.



Scarlet: [Velvet] “UNIT-OOLA REQUESTED HE DRAW HER LIKE ONE OF HIS FANCY GIRLS AFTER LEAVING YOUR CABIN LAST NIGHT.”



“I’m coming with you… will you have me for breakfast?” Mousy heard Bloody Velvet snort. It took a moment, but Mousy realised her mistake. “I mean, uh, um, that did not come out as intended.” Mousy’s ears drooped down against her face.



Scarlet: [Mousy, thinking] “A little blush, a little double-entendre, and all of a sudden putty in my hooves.”

SC276: It just occured to me that every one of Rye’s party members are on this separate ship, with the prototype lightning guns. If they wanted to break from the Koholint now and go off on their own, no one can stop them.



“Come with us, Miss Mousy.” Rye Mash made a sweeping bow and then winced. His head was still groggy and bowing made his temples throb. “I shall protect you from ruffians.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “Sucker.”

[Rye] “Hmm?”

[Mousy] “I said I’d enjoy sucking some breakfast down.”



“Rye Mash, a word, if you will.” Bloody Velvet’s eyebrow raised. “The Regulators here do not tolerate any sort of criminal acts. They have three penalties here… flogging, death, and being flogged to death.



SC276: We’ve been over this, author.



Keep your guns in their sheaths. This is a peaceful, safe place. Well, as much as any place can be in this day and age.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “But Evita and Jean-Claude-”

[Woe] “Can you go five minutes without fornicating with a pistol?”

SC276: If it’s a peaceful, safe place, why bring guns at all?



“I will keep that in mind,” Rye Mash replied. He looked at Bloody Velvet, studying her face. She looked worried. “Do you have any plans?”

“I am going to take Woe to the beach and we’re going to look for seashells later.”



SC276: [Velvet] “ALONG WITH LIVE FIELD-TESTING OF MY WATER-PROOFING SEAL. WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN CHECKED MUCH EARLIER SINCE WE SPEND THE MAJORITY OF OUR TIME ABOVE OPEN WATER.”



Velvet looked at the foal sitting beside her. “Ready for a day of fun?”

Woe, who started bouncing in place, upon hearing Bloody Velvet’s words, nodded. “I wanna build a sand castle.”



Scarlet: [Woe] “Specifically a scale model of the mobile fortress we’ll be constructing once we acquire the right materials. Come along, Velvet!”

[Velvet] “THIS UNIT IS QUITE PLEASED TO ASSIST UNIT-WOE IN HER WEAPON CONSTRUCTION.”



“Miss Mousy, Skeeter, if you will accompany me.” Rye Made a gesture with his hoof towards the exit. “Breakfast is my treat. I have plenty of coin. Let’s go have a nice time.”



Scarlet: Bad time bad time bad time-



The city was very white and clean looking. The white adobe buildings almost gleamed in the sun.



SC276: MY EYES!!



The white sand sparkled. The streets were filled with ponies pulling carts filled with all manner of goods. Some carts headed for the harbour, other carts headed inland, away from the harbour. Bottles of wine, large cheese wheels, wooden crates, alchemical goods, there was a little bit of everything here.



Scarlet: One of those things was not like the others! One of those things just doesn’t belong!

SC276: *dressed as Plague Knight again* Alchemical goods, you say~?



Standing on the wooden boardwalk, Rye Mash closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking it all in, the wind blowing through his mane and his tail, whipping it out beside him. He cut a dashing figure in the wind.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.”

SC276: Wasn’t there enough wind at airship flight elevations? I’ve played Propeller Knight’s stage, I know there’s plenty of wind.



“I wonder what passes for breakfast around here,” Mousy asked as the trio walked.



SC276: Um… Fancy toast?



Skeeter shrugged, using his wings,



SC276: Because ponies obviously don’t have shoulders.



and kept walking, his eyes wide as he took in everything. Sable Blanc was an amazing city.



SC276: We know.



In the distance, a bell began to ring and Skeeter craned his head to try and see where the ringing was coming from.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I knew it! You’re repelled by church bells! You are a vampire!”



“Skeeter, you going to be able to eat anything solid?” Rye asked.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Or do you prefer the blood of the innocent, damned creature of the night?”



The blue pegasus nodded. “I’m feeling better. I just have to eat slowly.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “I am not convinced.”



“Good to hear.” Rye paused and looked around. “Over there. That looks like a cafe. There are a bunch of ponies sitting around and drinking coffee.”



SC276: They had coffee during the Industrial Revolution?

Scarlet: Actually, yeah. Coffee and tea were imports from as early as the Dutch East India Company getting big.



“Something smells good,” Mousy said, holding her head high and sniffing. The earth pony was grinning from ear to ear as she took in everything around her. She also had a good chance to work on Rye Mash. The earth pony filly wondered what the sea breeze was doing to her mane.



Scarlet: Why do my characterizations keep lining up so well with the story’s?

SC276: Well this guy isn’t Mykan-level predictable, but it’s kinda getting easier to tell what’s coming.



Skeeter, who had signed on to see the world, had never seen anything like this. There were hardly any straight lines. Everything was smooth, flowing curves.



SC276: Did we miss a left and wind up in Lilo & Stitch?

Scarlet: No, see, then I’d be enjoying myself.



The adobe buildings had no edges, no sharp angles. The tops of the buildings were graceful, curved domes and sweeping, flowing arches. The windows were all circular or oval. There were no rectangular or square windows to be seen. Even the doors had odd shapes. Keyhole shaped doors. Oval doors. Doors with arched tops.



Scarlet: It was as if the place had been designed by a race of evil oval-lords, set to conquer the world of rigid geometry!

SC276: Doesn’t sound like the kind of place to live if you want to go straight.



Some places didn’t even have doors; beaded curtains separated the inside from the outside. The whitewashed adobe buildings almost looked like shaped clouds, and something about this appealed to the pegasus.



Scarlet: [Skeeter] “I could duck into one of these and be free of Rye Mash forever!”



“What passes for a local breakfast around here?” Mousy asked the waitress.



SC276: You.



The waitress, a unicorn, gave Mousy a smile and replied in a heavy Shetland’s accent, “It’d be easier to show you than tell you. Would ye like the full breakfast, the light breakfast, or the farmer’s breakfast?”



Scarlet: I’d like second breakfasts, please.

SC276: That’s the most American foreign accent I ever heard.



“I’m starved. I slept for almost a day. I’m assuming the farmer’s breakfast is the one with the most food?” Rye asked, his eyebrow raised at a rakish angle.

“Aye… yer a Shetlander.”



SC276: What are Shetlanders, hobbits?



The waitress smiled. “And yer kinda cute too… ye come here to stay?”

“Ma’am, I just came here for the breakfast.” Rye rested his hooves upon the solid wooden table and looked over at Skeeter. “Care to gamble?”



Scarlet: [Rye] “I bet my soul against you, vampire! I’ll defeat you through the power of nutritious eating!”

SC276: ~I’ll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul, ‘cause I think I’m better than you~



The pegasus nodded. “I’ll take the light breakfast.”

“The farmer’s breakfast for me,” Rye said as he settled into his comfortable chair.



SC276: ...What, exactly, is the wager?



“Farmer’s breakfast for me as well,” Mousy added. Her ears perked forwards. “And tea. Do you have tea? If not, I can settle for coffee.”



Scarlet: Mousy, you and I will get along just fine.



“We have tea. Would ye like black tea or breakfast tea?” The waitress waited for a reply, her eyes locked on Mousy.



Scarlet: ...That… that is the most asinine distinction. In addition to the fact that if you’re from the UK or virtually anywhere with heavy European influence breakfast tea is a variety of black tea, there are also several fucking varieties of black tea. Are they serving Darjeeling? Lapsang Souchong? Earl Grey? Pu-erh? I don’t know! This is important stuff!

SC276: The tea game is strong here. Thankfully I’m more of a juice person.



“Breakfast tea,” Mousy replied. “It comes pre-served, correct? I’m a bit clumsy.”

“Mousy, I will serve you tea,” Rye offered. “Have no worries.”



Scarlet: [Rye] “If you want, I’ll even add something extra!”



Mousy’s heart began to dance a funky rumba in her barrel



Scarlet: The last time I saw a romance-related line this terrible I was reading through Fifty Shades of Grey.

SC276: You actually read that?

Scarlet: “My inner goddess sways gently in a victorious samba.”



and she batted her eyelashes at Rye as a way to say thank you. She watched the waitress jot everything down on a notepad.

“Two farmers’ spreads, a grazer plate, and enough breakfast tea for three!” the waitress shouted.

“You have any sort of juice?” Rye asked.



Scarlet: It is imperative that we know exactly what everyone’s ordering.

SC276: There will be a quiz later.



“Orange juice!” the waitress added.

“Perfect.” Rye sat back in his chair, feeling rather content.



SC276: ...I refuse to feel shame from this. *sips his juice*



So far, this was the perfect day. He yawned, letting out a faint whine. This is just what he needed. A nice relaxing day. A day without violence.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Sometimes you need a break from the murder end of the murder-fuck to focus on the fucking-end.”

SC276: This is just tempting fate to do something, though Ring apologized for this part ending anti-climatically already, so it’ll probably happen next chapter.



Seeing the platter set in front of him, Rye’s eyes bulged. He didn’t even recognise most of the food on the platter. There were plenty of melon wedges, but he didn’t recognise all of the different types. There was cantaloupe, Rye recognised that, but there were also green melon wedges, something yellow, and something blue with green seeds.



Scarlet: I will say this- Kudzu has successfully made me hungry.



Orange wedges lay in a pile. There were lots of grapes of different colours. Some kind of yellow-orange fruit that looked like a cherry.



SC276: Is this a Koppai restaurant or something?



In the middle of it all there was a bowl of something white and on a separate platter, there was some kind of flat, chewy looking bread, piled high.

“Bon appétit!” the waitress said as she departed to look after her other customers.



Scarlet: Damn you, Kudzu. You knew my weakness was decadent, balanced breakfasts!

SC276: Good thing I’m here for backup then. All I usually have for breakfast is a pair of frozen waffles.



“I don’t even know what this is,” Skeeter whispered to Rye. “And I don’t care. It looks good.” The pegasus leaned forwards and stuck his muzzle down into the bowl filled with fluffy white stuff. He pulled up a moment later, licking his lips.

“What is it?” Mousy asked.



Scarlet: [Skeeter] “I can confirm that despite appearances, Rye hasn’t added anything to it. Yet.”



“It’s like the thickest, creamiest whip cream ever,” Skeeter replied. “I think you dip your fruit into it.”



SC276: A bowl of Cool Whip?



The pegasus picked up a piece of melon in his teeth, dipped it into the bowl, covering the piece of melon with whipped cream, and then threw his head back to get the piece of melon into his mouth. He chewed and closed his eyes. The pegasus chewed on his uninjured side, doing so slowly and with great care.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Dear god. Vampires have evolved to the point of being able to walk in sunlight and digest solid food!”



Rye began serving tea, pouring it into cups that already had milk, and he added a few lumps of some light, toasty brown sugar.



Scarlet: Brown sugar in tea? What I don’t even no- *explodes*

SC276: How big is a lump of sugar anyway? Is it as big as the lump on the author’s head after I smack him with this tennis racket I suddenly have for some reason?



He watched as Mousy tore into her food, dipping bits of fruit into her massive bowl of cream and then gobbling them down with gusto.



SC276: WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA



Mousy and Skeeter didn’t have magic to help them eat, to help them stay neat and tidy. Rye didn’t care, either. He was enjoying himself. He took a drink of orange juice; it was thick and pulpy.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Ah, this reminds me of the time I decapitated that gentleman with a rifle shot!”

SC276: Ahh, I prefer my orange juice without pulp. I feel better with myself now.



“These slices of fruit are star shaped… how weird,” Mousy said between bites.



SC276: Oh god it’s the freakin’ fruit from Kingdom Hearts, and given Ring told us all the shippings, watch who shares it.



“I have no idea what these pieces of bread are, but they’re good,” Skeeter said as he pulled one off of his side plate. He pinned the bread between his hooves and gingerly tore off a piece, mindful of his healing face. “They’re warm.”



Scarlet: Still hungry. Still resenting Kudzu.



Rye picked up a piece of the bread, tossed a few chunks of fruit into the middle, and then added a dollop of the thick, heavy whipped cream. He rolled up the whole thing and took a bite



SC276: So Rye eventually comes to be known as “Sandwich.” Probably for his threesomes.



as he watched Mousy sample her tea, sticking her puckered lips down into the cup.



Scarlet: [Rye] “Would that I were that cup, to be touched by those lips…”



“What are these?” Skeeter asked with his mouth full. “I like these a lot.”

“Crepes,” the waitress said as she walked by.



Scarlet: Wait, they’re crepes? Crepes aren’t made with thick bread, they’re made with flat, long, pancake-like- fuck it. I don’t care anymore. And now I want crepes.

SC276: I’ve kinda been wanting pancakes for the last hour.



Mousy, holding a spoon in her lips, scooped fruit onto a crepe, then added some whipped cream. She put the spoon down, dropping it from her lips, and it clattered to the table. She had trouble folding it while trying to use her lips, and covered her snoot in heavy cream. No longer caring if she got it perfect, Mousy tore away a big bite, smacked her lips, and began chewing.



Scarlet: So if Shetlanders are farming ponies, why is it that this restaurant apparently catering to them serves food only unicorns can easily eat?

SC276: How many Shetlanders are living in this city anyway? Where even is… Hold on, I’m looking this up… Shetland Isles are part of Scotland. I don’t know what relationship Scotland and France had during the time period this fic is apparently trying to replicate, but I doubt they were expected there.

Scarlet: SCOTLAND IS TOO FAR TO FLY TO AND BRING THESE KIDS HOME, RYE MASH.



“Oh, I could live like this,” Rye said between bites.



SC276: [Rye] “This will become my capital when I take over the world.”



He leaned back in his chair and chewed. This was a feast for the senses. Not only was the food delicious, but the smell, the texture, the contrasts of different types of food in his mouth—the closeness of his friends.



Scarlet: The stiffness of his penis.

SC276: The anguish of the riffers.



He glanced over at Mousy. Was she his friend? He supposed that she was.



SC276: Questions like this don’t happen when you don’t pick up every goddamn filly you see.



He saw her glance at him and give him a little smirking smile. She had whipped cream on her nose.



Scarlet: It began to dance a funky rumba.



“What are we doing after breakfast?” Skeeter asked.

“I have no idea,” Rye replied.



SC276: >implying he ever had one



Skeeter swallowed. “We could go to the beach.”



Scarlet: [Woe, in the distance] “FIRE!” *a bright light shoots into the air*

[Mousy] “I suggest we don’t.”



“Or wesh coulf goshee fee sheeshes,” Mousy suggested with her mouth full.

“I’ll confess, I’m curious about cheese.” Skeeter looked over at Mousy. She was an enthusiastic eater.



SC276: Fucking cheeses. How do they work?



“Might I recommend a climb to the top of the lighthouse?” The waitress smiled as she paused near the table. “Yer in need of more juice. I’ll bring some.”



Scarlet: [Waitress] “And for the love of god, take your dick out of the whipping cream.”



“Thank you.” Rye made a mental note to add a good tip.



SC276: [waitress] “On second thought, put it back in the whipping cream.”



He looked at his companions, Skeeter first, then Mousy, and then said, “Why not do everything we can?”



SC276: I tried that once. To this day, I’m a shallow wreck of a man.



Author's Note:

A day of rest...



Scarlet: And for us… also a day of rest. This was a hell of a riff.

SC276: I wonder if the author ultimately decides to lay the fic to rest. Like, not update it again? Honestly, it’d bug me to not see a conclusion, but I probably wouldn’t miss it. Also, was the kangaroo… really necessary? The general precedent for sentience in MLP is hooves. You could’ve had a buffalo if you wanted a bleep-ton of strength.

Scarlet: Let’s not be too hard on Oola Roo. After all, she’s the only character besides Starjammer to show an interest in Rye and be old enough to pursue that interest without the implications growing really fucking creepy when he reciprocates. The last time I saw something leering this much at twelve year olds, it was the day I said “Yeah, no, the Saber Alter fight just isn’t worth this, Prisma-Illya.” Regrettably, the Catch decided to entice me to stay by offering nothing but pain to offset sexual politics I can only assume were informed entirely by porn.

SC276: Yeah, honestly, a unicorn chick on the upper-end with magic to the point she can maintain a giant shield under concentrated lightning power for more than like two seconds and even then she was considered only breeding material? That’s so backwards it’s almost forwards, even for this “time period” that I’m not entirely sure what it is. Or the streets literally made of shit, in a major city that’s had canon mention. Oh and the author’s inability to clearly explain a cipher. And make his audience work for what is supposedly a major plot point. That’s not fun, that’s a dick move.

Scarlet: See, I can almost defend the cipher except wait I can’t. That’s a fine plot device for a mystery novel but not so much a freeform sky pirate adventure romp.

SC276: Who are they even hiding the messages from? There’s like only two brands of ship up there: House Money-Money-Money and the heroes. We’ve seen no evidence that the Equestrian government does… freakin’ anything. You’d think by now, Celestia would notice all the freakin’ pony trafficking. It’s ridiculous. Unless this is like my Rainbow Factory headcanon that she’s in on it, she should’ve stomped the heck out of these guys already. In fact, if she wasn’t a threat, why would they - or anyone for that matter - be trying to kill her in the first place? Show she’s a threat to them, for Sunbutt’s sake.

Scarlet: ….Have you noticed that the two of us just write walls of text at the end of every riff? At this point I’m wondering at which point we should slip in subliminal read The Fading World messages.

SC276: Somewhere around the middle should be good. At long as it’s play Ghost Trick for the greater good, I don’t think anyone would even mind. I usually have summation areas at the end of my solos, bit of a concluding paragraph, y’know? Though it works better when I can even remember like… half of what the part is.

RingmasterJ5: Alright, so we have the regular extra-long SC/Scarlet fic discussion outro, looks like that’s… Hey, wait a minute. Sigma, do you see what I see? Over on the fic’s FiMFic page?

Sigma: A shiny new M rating for the fic that hasn’t even updated in a month? Fun.

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, turns out that nobody who would’ve reported Kudzu’s stories has really been reading them… that is, until recently. Thanks to the riff, we learned all about things from Kudzu’s fics that really shouldn’t have been in T-rated stories.

Sigma: How did Obselescence eloquently put it? Ah, yes, “Tentacle vines butt-rape a hare until it poops itself.”

RingmasterJ5: While that one wasn’t in The Catch, seeing all the ratings violations here gave me the idea to start looking through his other big T-rated fic, The Weed, to see if there was anything similar, and…well, do we really need to say more than Obs’ quote up there? The one downside is that we may have actually killed The Catch, since there was suspiciously no mention of it in the blog post announcing the other fic’s ratings change, so future parts in the riff are quite unlikely. But on the bright side, we still have a certain other project… Take it away, Steel.

Steel: Well shit’s sakes, I missed out on everything. Sorry, gents, life and general responsibilities kinda drained my motivation here. Still, I heavily commend all the brave soldiers who marched on through this riff, through hell and high water, and made it to the end!

Sigma: You aren’t the only one who missed it. Well, most of it.

Steel: Well, at least we’re both here for the big announcement, right?

Sigma: That’s right! I’m pregnant, and Rye’s the mother!

Steel: ...Besides that logical fallacy there. I meant the other one. You know, the story?

Sigma: Ah, yes. I prefer to think of it as an improvement. Ladies and Gentlemen, presented for your viewing pleasure, The Fumble. Soon™.

Steel: Yes indeed, ladies and gents! Guess the reference, get a mention in our fic! Ha! Nah, I’m kidding. That’s stupid.

Sigma: Verily.

Steel: Anyway! Yes indeed, coming soon to a website full of pony fic near you, is The Fumble! Starring such great characters as Rye Mash, Bloody Velvet, Woe Betide, Oola Roo, and all with actually fun personalities! Watch us as a certain author misses The Catch, and we get his Fumble!

Sigma: Observe actual competent writers at work! Observe sadistic madmen and robots in love! Observe Hitler on Ice, and Jews in Space!

Steel: And Hitler’s Skating Recital vs. The Great Moon Jew Empire! I can smell the Oscars!

Sigma: I’m not entirely sure what that smell is, but the only Oscar it could be is one that lives in a trash can.

Steel: Sesame Street: Clone Wars? Anyway. Fumble! Where we take The Catch, and make it the parody of our story! Well, we’ll at least try. There’s certain to be lots of tripping, fumbling, and jokes about screwing guns along the way! All Hail Emperor Rye Mash!

Sigma: Dear God, we’ve doomed the worl- Ah, WHO CARES! All Hail Emperor Rye Mash!

Steel: WOO! ONWARDS!

RingmasterJ5: The Fumble, being a collaboration between five editors spun off of one of our existing riffs, will update on the same schedule as F/F/T3K (currently Thursdays at 10PM EST) and will be written by Steel and Scarlet, with the two of them alternating writing duties each week. Me, Sigma and SC are also involved, mostly in the “proofreading/story ideas” department. Watch as the five of us reclaim an abandoned story and turn it into something incredible.

SC276: I’ve seen the first chapter; it doesn’t sound as contrived as all hell. And the second chapter, oh my god, it’s fucking hilarious. *Wario voice* You’re gonna love it!





* * *





RingmasterJ5: This is quite the interesting case. A story that was presumed to be “killed” by either the riff or the parody said riff spawned, came back… ten times worse than it originally was. It’s legitimately like Kudzu saw what we did to his story and went “No, wait! I can do so much worse!”

Scarlet: Or we vastly overestimated our ability to accomplish anything with our powers of witchcraft and impotent rage. Or the Christmas Season is ruled by corporate demons who bought out Santa Claus and Jesus. Personally, I vote all of the above.

RingmasterJ5: So, Scarlet, mind giving a recap of the last few chapters for any of our new readers?

Scarlet: Ho god. Give me a moment. *deep breath*Okay… so aside from our entertaining meta-narrative, for a given value of entertaining which here qualifies as “distracting us from reading The Catch”, Rye Mash is a hero among stallions who is sailing on a ship that frees slaves from pirates and is I guess also a pirate ship which begs the question of why they aren’t privateers chartered by Her Majesty’s navy but that might just be me. Anyway after an excruciatingly awkward series of events, Rye has recruited an entire harem’s worth of ponies who are inexplicably attracted to his bland, borderline-prudish response to everything. Anyway after exploding things and chase sequences and me yawning, Rye has finally managed to arrive in Sable Blanc, presumably adjacent to the fictional country of Sauville. I can only hope that the next plot development is ditching the pirate angle, pairing him up with a genius detective, and solving crimes in not-France and at this point I’m just rambling because Jesus Fuck Why Am I Doing This Instead Of Watching Gosick.

RingmasterJ5: And as for the meta-narrative… well, just follow the lead of SC, Scarlet, and maybe Steel and Sigma if they show up. But anyway, without further ado, part five of “The Catch” by kudzuhaiku.

Scarlet: Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho.

SC276: I got gifted Minecraft, have been building a castle, and am actually in a decent mood. Let’s see how long that lasts.



Chapter 23



CaptainPipsqueak: Or, as we know it: “24 Chapters Too Many.”



The view from the lighthouse had been spectacular, well worth the many stairs one had to climb to reach it.



JofY: It’s right there, on the south wall.

Scarlet: Sadly, the sick Ampharos at the top distracted from this.



Sable Blanc was many things to many ponies,



Scarlet: love, friend, creditor, landlord-

Sigma: -prostitute, loyal pet, fuck buddy, Republican candidate, Democratic candidate-

JofY: -keys, wallet, remote-

CaptainPipsqueak: -that cheap little bastard who owes me a twenty-

SC276: -the partial setting of a crud fanfic-



but Rye Mash



CaptainPipsqueak: Fortunately no relation to Button, bless his little heart...



would remember it for its beauty. Now, having left the lighthouse, Rye followed Mousy, who led the way, the curious earth pony eager to see the sights.



JofY: Like the wandering splendor of the ghetto!

SC276: Who are- oh right, we changed all the names. This is going to suck to relearn.



Skeeter followed along after Rye, looking a bit pained but sticking it out.



Scarlet: Skeeter’s only character trait- horrible, mind-numbing pain. It’s like he was created to be our avatar.

CaptainPipsqueak: At least we can laugh it off and fight back...



Sable Blanc was a free city, a freedom kept safe by the well armed and well trained Regulators.



Scarlet: Who are like normal police or guardsmen but cooler and called different stuff because wheeeeeee!



As they walked, Rye Mash saw signs informing the public of safe places to take shelter in should there be an attack.



Scarlet: “In case of Rye Mash, hide under here until bullshit passes.”



Heavily fortified cellars,



Scarlet: “You may take our lives, but you will never take our delicious wine list!”

SC276: Which barrel do I have to bust open to get a Jiggy?



bunkers, even the lighthouse was fortified and quite solid looking.



JofY: It really wasn’t, but it looked good, and that’s what the public cared about.

Ferret: You’d be surprised what you can do with papier mache and a good few buckets of paint.



Some of the houses had rooftop gardens, patches of green that grew fruits and vegetables, while other rooftops had cannons, mortars, and other forms of artillery.



Scarlet: ICBMs, primitive nuclear devices, party howitzers, the Arc-En-Ciel. Y’know. Other forms of artillery.

SC276: Ah, right, this is the police state that kills anyone for any offense, if I recall correctly. Or if it doesn’t, it’s effectively the same thing.

CaptainPipsqueak: It’s on the welcome sign: “Sable Blanc - You Only Jaywalk Once”



The companions kept going, moving through the city, until Rye Mash came across something that made him pause.



JofY: A remote.



A shop had a peculiar sign over the doorway, a wooden sign with two black pistols crossed that much to Rye’s surprise, looked an awful lot like his cutie mark.



Scarlet: I see that the DM has finally decided to give his players a chance to upgrade their equipment with the hard-earned loot they’ve picked up from enemy drops.

CaptainPipsqueak: I’m saving up for that ring with plus ten to strength.

SC276: So Rye is a walking billboard now?

Ferret: Obviously, it’s the cutie mark store.

CaptainPipsqueak: He then sued the store for stealing his trademark.



Saying nothing, Rye Mash headed for the door, with Skeeter groaning and Miss Mousy looking a bit apprehensive.



Scarlet: Skeeter and Mousy- representing the collective mood of the audience since the beginning of this chapter!

SC276: [Skeeter] “I’ve already lost track of all the -ways he’s going, and now it’s about to get larger.”



Inside the shop there were only a few guns, but what the store lacked in quantity, they made up for with quality.



Scarlet: I will forgive this story a very tiny amount if it can do gun porn right just once. I’m not asking for Snake’s fanboying over his pistol in MGS3, but okay yeah I’m asking exactly for that.

SC276: [Kudzu] “I will totally fail you now!”



There were very few pistols, much to Rye’s disappointment, but there were many rifles on display. A short minotaur cow was sitting on a stool behind the counter.



JofY: Instead of a minotaur dog.

Ferret: A “short” minotaur is still about six foot five.



She wore glasses, the pale gold frames glinting, and Rye could see that she was sizing him up.



Scarlet: Please tell me she’s planning on eating him.

JofY: *audible wink*



Without warning, Rye Mash became transfixed, almost as if held in place by a spell.



Scarlet: Hey, no fair! There’s nothing in this bestiary saying that minotaurs get access to the Wizard spell list! She can’t cast Hold Person!



He stood before a glass case and inside was a long rifle, it had to be at least two yards in length,



Scarlet: Six feet of gun. Maybe that many of pony. How the hell is he going to carry this thing? It’s like the Buster Sword of rifles!

SC276: Does it have a tripod or something on the end to hold it up?

JofY: Note: We do realize that yes, those did exist, however, they were used as sniper rifles during the civil war. Not something for a ‘priate’ to use.



and it was scoped, much like his longshot pistol.



JofY: His pistol also had a barrel several feet long.

CaptainPipsqueak: He didn’t so much shoot people with it as ram them.



It was a beautiful weapon with a well polished cherry wood stock that seemed to gleam with its own inner light.



Scarlet: A blinking inner light saying ‘eat… at...Grillby’s.’

SC276: Your gun has been possessed by a marketing department.

Ferret: I’d have to guess that it’s on fire, given the wood.



The brass scope went almost the full length of the barrel.



JofY: The scope was as long as the two yard barrel!?



Seeing it filled Rye with a strange feeling of lust.



JofY: ....Okay then.

Ferret: The six-foot-long wooden object which shoots projectiles from one end at high velocity fills him with lust. We’re learning a lot about our protagonist, here.

CaptainPipsqueak: Nothing we want to know, but knowledge is knowledge I suppose.



He wanted to stroke it, he wanted to rub his cheek against it,



Scarlet: He wanted to hold it down, jam his throbbing shaft into it, and feel it writhe beneath him.

ToonGuy: Should have taken that gun out for dinner first.



more than anything else, he wanted the rifle—but he understood that the rifle would be useless to him.



Scarlet: Turned out the rifle was a lesbian, and completely immune to his charms.

CaptainPipsqueak: Or gay, but with much higher standards.



Pistols were far better for Rye’s purposes, he knew that, he accepted it without reservation, and he mourned the fact that he would not be walking out of the shop with the rifle.



Scarlet: So long, detailed description of something best left to the imagination bordering on sexual? Yeah. This really is Gun Porn. I WAS KIDDING.

JofY: Hey! Does anyone know how to strip a gun?

SC276: Is that the same as disassembling it?

CaptainPipsqueak: In this case, probably not.



Skeeter had gone off to look at leg guns; weapons made for ponies without magic that strapped to the leg and had a long cord held in the mouth to operate the matchlock.



Scarlet: Yeah, if I could fly at mach speed and kick lightning from the very clouds around me, I’d still want an awkward mouth-fired gun too.

SC276: Didn’t you get Glasgow’d? A weapon based on your mouth seems like the least useful thing.



Rye didn’t see the practicality in these weapons, sure, a pegasus or an earth pony could fire the gun, but who would reload the weapon for them?



Scarlet: Rye, stop, no! You’re taking valuable riffing work from me!

JofY: I don’t know. How about you make sure that inventions in your world are practical before putting them in.

CaptainPipsqueak: But making mistakes is how you learn. And if this mistake causes others to burst into flame and/or explode, then they’re entertaining as well.



It might be possible for them to reload, but how long would it take?



JofY: Five seconds actually.

SC276: Like guns in your timeframe don’t take forever to reload anyway.



It just didn’t seem like a very good idea.



Scarlet: Then why include them?

Ferret: To waste our time.



Pegasi and earth ponies got the short end of the stick when it came to being able to manipulate objects.



Scarlet: what is this bullshit i don’t even.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ah, good ol’ racism.



With a forlorn sigh, Rye tore himself away from the display case with the long rifle.



Scarlet: Our hero- rejected by the Buster Gun.

SC276: Wish I could do the same to tear myself away from this.



He moved towards the counter, meeting the gaze of the minotaur cow.



JofY: Staring contest go!



She was wearing a long dark blue dress that hung loose from her shoulders.



Scarlet: Shouldn’t we have mentioned this back when he first saw- never mind.



She seemed pretty enough, heavyset, stocky, with thick, well muscled arms that were bare, her dress having no sleeves. She was busty, something that Rye found a little strange,



Scarlet: ...because… um… cows are not known for having large mammaries…?

Ferret: So, he likes six-foot-long phallic guns and tits confuse him. What a revelation this chapter has been.



having mammaries so high up on the body. Perhaps nature had done that to allow her to balance so she could walk in a bipedal fashion.



Scarlet: Almost points but given regular cows exist in this universe, argle blargle flargle.



“Hello, Gunslinger,” the minotaur said as Rye Mash approached.



Scarlet: Shit, no! I came here to riff Kudzuhaiku, not The Dark Tower! I haven’t even finished the first book yet!

SC276: Um, I’ve ridden through the desert on a horse with no name?



“You may call me Miss Tickles.



JofY: “Yes, I no longer speak with my parents. Stop laughing.”

SC276: And no one thought twice about this? OK then!

CaptainPipsqueak She’s a minotaur. Tell her she has a dumb name. But let me get an umbrella first.



Don’t try anything funny or I will have you ground into sausage. Nothing may be touched or examined unless you show me some coin.”



Scarlet: Um yes, Miss Tickles, let’s just pretend I’m a pony from an entirely vegetarian society and you’re a bovine of some variety. WHAT THE FUCK IS SAUSAGE? And while I’m at it, great business model. In retail, I throw customers out all the time for examining our merchandise to find a purchasable item!

JofY: [Tickles] “You don’t actually have to give it to me, I just get off on shiny things.”

SC276: How does she intend for the police that will murder any lawbreakers to kill in that specific fashion?



“Miss Tickles, I have coin… quite a bit of coin actually,”



JofY: “I have an entire two bits!”

Ferret: Why, he could get a whole shave and a haircut for that!



Rye Mash replied, his eyebrow raising. “Coin I would very much like to spend in your establishment, should I find what I am looking for.”



Scarlet: And what he’s looking for is either a good time, or a way out of this story!

SC276: Or both. Both is good.



“Rye, do you really need more guns?” Mousy asked.



JofY: Hey, the 90’s called. They said: yes.



“One can never be too wealthy, too good looking, or too well armed,” Rye replied.



CaptainPipsqueak: But people stare if you have more than two.

Scarlet: Not if you’re Asura. Remember, always be Asura.



Miss Tickles nodded, a grin splitting her face.



CaptainPipsqueak: She screamed in agony and collapsed, blood spraying everywhere.

JofY: Aww! It’s all over my good clothing!

SC276: Glasgows! Glasgows everywhere!



Rye could see that the minotaur was studying him, her eyes looking him up and down, taking him in, eyeing his gear.



Scarlet: This is going to end with the minotaur wanting to shag him, isn’t it.



He could see intelligence in her eyes.



JofY: An entire point in INT.



Her hand twitched and her thick, meaty fingers began to drum on the counter.



CaptainPipsqueak: Mmmmmmeat.



“I’m guessing that you do a lot of fighting in cramped quarters…



JofY: *audible wink*



would you say that you are, how shall we say, a boarding specialist?” Miss Tickles’ smile vanished and she became all business.



Scarlet: Well yes, I am finding this entire process rather dull- oh boarding.

SC276: Wait, who said that? Did this lady serve on a ship or something?



Rye narrowed his eyes, cottoning on to what was being said. “Yes… I facilitate boarding operations and clear obstructions. My job requires the use of pistol and shotgun, some of these obstructions are quite stubborn.”



Scarlet: Fascinating. It’s like watching an alien attempt to emulate witty banter, using only a secondhand understanding of human culture gleaned from terrible films.

ToonGuy: That and Tommy Wiseau dialogue.

JofY: Us, or the fic?

CaptainPipsqueak: Yes.



“I see.” Miss Tickles nodded as she reached up to adjust her eyeglasses. “I cannot help but notice that you have two shotguns.



Scarlet: how are you carrying all this shit do you have gun hammerspace

CaptainPipsqueak: Wouldn’t that make it gunnerspace? I’ll go stand in the corner now.



Those are both heavy and they take a while to reload. Would you be interested in having four shotguns that only take up the space of one?”



Scarlet: We call it the Matryoshkaboom!

JofY: “It still only has the firepower of one, but it sounds more impressive.”

SC276: Isn’t that what the quad-barrel is?



“What do you mean?” Rye, his curiousity pricked, stepped closer towards the counter.



Reaching beneath the counter, Miss Tickles went to pull something out.



Scarlet: My, Miss Tickles, you’re rather forward aren’t you?



There was a heavy clunk, a thump of wood on wood, and then a thud of metal on wood.



JofY: “This, IS MY STRAP-ON!!!”

CaptainPipsqueak: “And when I use it, IT’S REAMING SPEED!”



She lifted out what appeared to be a portable cannon and set it down upon the counter.



Scarlet: I will forgive this entire scene if the cannon shoots out smaller guns.

SC276: Egads, the hand-cannon of Captain Skurvy of the pirate crew that kept showing up on Kongo Bongo Island somehow!



Rye whistled, Mousy gasped, and Skeeter sucked in his breath.



Scarlet: [All] “Oooooh, something we have no context to appreciate!”

JofY: They’re being gassed!

CaptainPipsqueak: Lucky bastards...



It was a very strange looking gun, with four barrels packed into a massive square lump of metal.



Scarlet: That is not a cannon. How is- you just called it a cannon. That is not a cannon has this man ever looked at a weapon in his life?

JofY: No, clearly these are ponies.

SC276: Still not seeing any evidence this isn’t the quad-barrel.



The barrel assembly was one solid piece of metal with four holes bored into its length. It wasn’t very long, had a heavy wooden stock suitable for smashing skulls into pulp, it was, overall, a heavy looking and ungainly weapon.



Scarlet: Well, Rye’s out of luck then. He went with a Dex and Agi focus-build instead of a Strength character on this run. Always next time!

CaptainPipsqueak: I go with a ‘Jack-of-all-trades’ type, myself.

Scarlet: And that’s why you will forever be owned in PVP.

CaptainPipsqueak: I don’t do PVP. I enjoy myself more that way.

JofY: Personally, I just dump most of mine into CHA and INT.

CaptainPipsqueak: You want to defeat your opponent, not talk them up and fuck them.

JofY: That’s what I use cannon fodder for.

SC276: What makes you so sure of that? *double eyebrow raise*



Each of the four openings at the end of the square barrel was large enough to fit a tangerine inside.



CaptainPipsqueak: They were able to verify this because each barrel did, in fact, have a tangerine within.

JofY: Hey, it rounds the stockings.



“This is a prototype design, a four barreled scattergun. You load up all four barrels—”



CaptainPipsqueak: “...and then you scatter before it explodes.”



Rye watched as Miss Tickles placed her massive hand on the barrels.



Scarlet: He fantasized about watching her rub it along their length, rhythmically, up and down.

CaptainPipsqueak: While sighing lustfully?

SC276: You’re catching on.



“—and when you pull the trigger, one barrel fires. Then, the entire barrel assembly rotates, bringing the next barrel into place over the firing mechanism.



Scarlet: “Then that barrel fails to fire, you curse for a few minutes, come back here, angrily demand a refund, I refuse and charge you an exorbitant price for repairs. That’s business.”



Pull the trigger and this barrel fires, the barrel assembly rotates, and the next barrel is made ready to fire.



JofY: Hold on, we have a repeat here.



With four quick pulls of the trigger, one can clear the deck and facilitate boarding.”



JofY: So, you shoot the gun four times, then fuck it.

SC276: Rye’s going to do that anyway.

CaptainPipsqueak: Four times, too!



“I like it.” Rye breathed the words, his eyes wide, and he felt a sharp spike of arousal, much like he had with the long gun.



CaptainPipsqueak: This guy needs a girlfriend. Badly.

Ferret: I really want to stop learning about Rye now.



With a four barreled scattergun he could cause a lot of damage.



RingmasterJ5: Hm. A pony with the letters YE ASH in his name walks into a gun shop with a female companion much younger than him and a male around his age, and buys a “scattergun” from a non-pony creature that repeatedly tries flirting with him. Now where have I seen that before?

SC276: ...You’re going to have to tell me. My memory recycles faster than cartoon recycling plants.

RngmasterJ5: A certain parody fic has a scene almost exactly like this, in a chapter posted like at least a full month before this was… a very strange coincidence.



This was a portable deck clearing cannon. Loaded down with nails, silverware, or grape shot,



Scarlet: Um… no. Bullshit. Rifles are called that for a reason. Muskets I could imagine firing nails, but rifles have actual… er… “rifling” in their barrels. Firing forks from a gatling gun is inadvisable why is this line even in here why would you write this line.

Ferret: [Rye] “I only use guns that fire spoons. It’s far more sexually appealing to me.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rye]” “Yes, I sure love spooning!” … “Why are you looking at me like that?”



Rye knew that he could end most fights before they started.



SC276: Couldn’t you do that anyway- oh right that’s our guy.



With that reasoning, Rye figured that he could save lives with this fearsome weapon.



Scarlet: Because, see, being better armed than someone else has always ended every potential conflict ever and nuclear deterrence caused war to be over and never once almost escalated a conflict and ahahaha. Ha. I hate the universe.

JofY: Well, it’s not like the world started making nuclear guns.

CaptainPipsqueak: But someone should get on that, because that would be fucking boss.

SC276: Didn’t we get that in Fallout?

CaptainPipsqueak: Dunno. Do plasma weapons count?

SC276: I was thinking the mini-nuke launcher.

CaptainPipsqueak: That’s a bazooka, really. I was thinking something that fired pure atomic radiation.



“It comes with a custom made, artisan tooled



CaptainPipsqueak: ‘Artisan-tooled.’ That means ‘overpriced.’

JofY: Yeah, that just means it was made, by an ‘artist’.



leather sheath that is unique to this gun.



JofY: So, the pieces of leather that are on the gun are not on any other gun?

SC276: Duh!



The barrels are made of the finest steel, the stock is made of bubinga wood from the Sea of Grass,



JofY: So, it needs to be mowed all the time?



a hard, heavy wood that does a fine job of absorbing recoil.



JofY: Making it too heavy to hold.



All of the rest of the hardware is brass.



JofY: Yes, but can it access Netflix?

SC276: Does said brass include balls?



The fact that it is heavy is proof of quality.”



Scarlet: Okay, that was almost Snake’s gun-otaku speech. You get half a point.

SC276: It costs $400,000 to fire this weapon for twelve seconds.

ToonGuy: You know, I will die happy knowing that. True, a lighter gun might have been easier to drag to cover instead of having to lug around a huge hulking great pile of crap giving the enemy plenty of time to gun me down, but at least I’ll die with some FABULOUS gun quality.



“I have quite a collection of coins—”



Scarlet: Bits they are called bits currency in this universe is called ‘bits’ they have a name why are you not just using the goddamn name.



“And two shotguns that you won’t need anymore.



SC276: It’s called “backup,” lady. Also known as “contingency plan” and “thinking smart,” which inevitably means it’s not going to happen.

CaptainPipsqueak: I carry at least three at all times in Fallout. And a hammer if things go ass-up.



I’m certain we can work out payment.” Miss Tickle’s voice was confident, husky, and maybe even a little suggestive.



Scarlet: I was predicting that bit earlier facetiously!



“Pull that gun of yours out of its sheath and let’s have a look at it…”



Scarlet: God fucking damn it. “Wants to fuck Rye Mash” count- 5. I’m not counting Velvet sheerly to give Kudzu the benefit of the doubt. This. Keeps. Happening. Is he made of axe body spray or something?

JofY: With how suggestive all, and I repeat, all the dialogue is, shouldn’t that just be at infinity by now?



“That cow was flirting with you,”



JofY: ...NAW! YOU DON’T SAY!



Mousy said as she walked beside Rye.



“It was just business,” Rye replied, feeling a bit sweaty, itchy, and uncomfortable.



Scarlet: Yeah, admittedly, that’s how I feel after having sex with large monsters. That and the guilt.

JofY: Huh… I don’t usually feel guilt. Maybe you’re doing something wrong.

CaptainPipsqueak: The secret is to be the guy on top, Scarlet.



“When she kept leaning over the counter, you could see down the front of her dress.” Skeeter’s voice was soft and a bit muffled as he tried to speak without disturbing his wound.



Scarlet: Said the naked pony.

JofY: “Trying to see clothes!? Pervert!”



“Well of course, she was trying to show off her assets.”



CaptainPipsqueak: No, he said the front of her dress.

Scarlet: Not five minutes ago he was wondering if she had big boobs so she could balance herself!



Mousy seemed irritated, cross, and out of sorts.



Scarlet: Also she was mad.

CaptainPipsqueak: And nettled.

SC276: And basically channeling our mood right now.



“She was trying to distract you two thick headed louts and she was doing a fine job.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “I was watchin’ her the whole time. I bet you didn’t even notice she conned you out of a year’s worth of wages and signed you into indentured servitude!”



“I was looking at the shotgun—”



“Yes, I know.” Mousy sounded disheartened and a bit disgusted. She wasn’t certain how she was going to get Rye’s attention now unless she covered herself in a fine dress made out of firearms.



Scarlet: Well, given what else she stocks, I’m sure Miss Tickles could help with that.

SC276: That sounds both dangerously impractical and completely awesome. Someone get Rarity on that.



She turned to look at Rye and saw his new gun hanging from his right side. It was a massive contraption and it was almost the length of his body.



Scarlet: I guess he’s a Strength build after all. Jesus, how is he carrying this? What is it attached to? Gatlings are usually pushed on a cart, you don’t just strap ‘em to your side!



“The breeze is nice,” Skeeter said, changing the subject.



JofY: Dialogue!



“Hey, that shop has saltwater taffy… who likes saltwater taffy?”



Scarlet: Anything to get my mind off the fact that I’m reading about a twelve year old attempting to seduce a seventeen year old with a gun fetish. This is what I do with my free time.



The sky blue pegasus gave his companions a curious look, then an expression of disappointment settled over his face. “I don’t know if I could chew that.”



Mousy, sounding disappointed, but not about the taffy, suggested, “Let’s just keep looking around.”



Scarlet: [Mousy] “We’re bound to find a plot hook somewhere!”

SC276: [Mousy] “We’re not going to get out of this fic through the exit at the end if we don’t get there!”



The white sand of the beach fascinated Rye, he had never seen anything quite like it.



CaptainPipsqueak: What; a beach?

JofY: No, sand.



He had seen chalk cliffs, and sand coloured sand,



JofY: Orange, oranges.

Scarlet: ~-to the Wonders of Peru, but there’s No Place like London~

SC276: Let me guess, the water looked like water?



but the white sands of Sable Blanc were as beautiful as they were exotic. The sand was fine and felt smooth when touched, rather than coarse and gritty.



Scarlet: Off to the left you can see Anakin Skywalker attempting to get jiggy with the Queen.

CaptainPipsqueak: And over the next dune, Aladdin trying to convince Princess Jasmine that he’s the real deal.



Bloody Velvet was giving Woe Betide an impromptu magic lesson on the beach and little Woe was using her telekinesis to manipulate sand.



Scarlet: I mean, I can’t think of a better object to focus on than literally thousands of tiny, individual, loosely-packed grains of something. That sounds like an advanced friggin’ lesson.



The one eyed filly appeared to be having quite a good time. Skeeter had laid down in the warm sand, his head resting on Rye’s folded up cloak.



Scarlet: Skeeter, realizing that the story is determined to just fart around here instead of progressing, has wisely decided to sit the rest of the chapter out.

CaptainPipsqueak: Sleeping through the story seems a safe thing for him to do.

SC276: Until Rye starts whispering into his ear.

CaptainPipsqueak: And then sticking his tongue in.



The pegasus was sleeping. Miss Mousy was playing in the surf, darting back and forth as the waves came crashing in and prancing around.



Scarlet: I see that the narrative has abruptly decided to add formal titles of address to people’s names because Kudzu word vomits this stuff onto the page and thinks later.

CaptainPipsqueak: After being fellated by his fan club, of course.

JofY: ‘Playing in the surf’...No. Go back to grammar.



Rye was reminded of Canterlot. Not the city architecture, but the peaceful quiet.



JofY: Yes, the 2nd most monster attacked place, is quiet.

SC276: Yes, the seat of the Equestrian government is quiet.



So far, there had been no violence today.



JofY: Just tons of sex.



No gunshots to be heard. No fights, no nothing.



Scarlet: Today was a good day.



Sable Blanc was peaceful to the point of utter boredom, and Rye found himself enjoying it, sort of.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I get the impression that this entire chapter is nothing but fluff thrown in to pad an already-convoluted story.”



“You look a little better, Rye,” Bloody Velvet said as her student shaped the sand she was holding into a sphere that was more egg shaped than spherical.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Woe]: “God, you are so anal!”

JofY: “Yes… *audible wink*”



“The anger is a problem, I’ll admit. When I really began to learn what was going on, my anger almost consumed me.”



Scarlet: But you must remember- anger leads to hate-reading, hate-reading leads to riffing, and riffing leads to me using my night off before the holidays on this story.

SC276: Hate leads to our suffering.



Lifting his head, Rye looked Bloody Velvet in the eye. He squinted at her in the bright sunlight, trying to understand her.



JofY: [Velvet] “Uh… Is there sand in your eyes?”



She was complex, mature, and a pony that he found himself admiring a great deal.



Scarlet: He managed to resist asking her to turn around so he could cheer for her ass.



“I suppose I have been angry.”



“Anger isn’t a bad thing,” Velvet took a deep breath, her head tilting to one side, and her ears perked forwards as she continued, “anger is a gift.”



Scarlet: The riffer’s creed.



“How so?” Rye asked.



“Anger isn’t good or bad.



JofY: ...Uh, no. I’d say it’s bad. I’d say a mental state where your thought process turns to only the most destructive form, is pretty bad.

SC276: I’m just going to assume the author is too holier-than-thou to see animated movies and thus stupidly passed on Inside Out.



It just is what it is. Anger becomes whatever it is that you want it to be.



JofY: No it can’t!



You can let your anger consume you, burning up your insides, or you can make your anger work for you.



Scarlet: You can hire your anger at pennies on the dollar and use it for day labor in your factories!

JofY: Seriously!? When has someone, who’s truly angry, ever been able to turn their anger into something good?

SC276: Have you ever read a riff before?



Be a motivator.



JofY: Hang in there Anger!



You can use that anger to fuel your passion, making you a better pony. You can let your anger about injustice give you the strength you need to become the sort of pony that fights against those injustices.”



Scarlet: You can use the power of anime!

SC276: But you have to scream really loud and in another language.



Bloody Velvet frowned, blinked, and shook her head. “Or…”



Scarlet: OR you can use your anger to impotently make fun of terrible stories instead of contributing anything meaningful to the universe and I hate myself.

SC276: I manage by doing both.

JofY:...Both what?



After waiting for Velvet to finish, Rye realised there was a lesson here. One eyebrow raised and the left corner of his mouth twitched. “Or what?”



SC276: Don’t leave us in suspense, woman!



“Or… you get consumed by your anger, you fight, you become murderous and horrible, and, in the end, you will become not a force of righteous anger, but a common killer who masquerades under a so called righteous cause.



Scarlet: Insert cheap shot against extremist group of your choice here.

Captainipsqueak: Like us.

JofY: Hey, I think the author is copying their message right now from every single comic book vigilante story.

SC276: Stop projecting, author.



This is not a good end, Rye.



JofY: [Velvet] “There’s an item that you need to get before the final confrontation that shows you how the REAL villain is.”



I’m dangerously close to being this myself, as much as it pains me to admit it.



Scarlet: “I just know I hit a death flag two chapters ago when I chose to eat from Starjammer’s bento box instead of yours!”



There is a reason they call me ‘Bloody Velvet.’



JofY: Because you make a bloody, Velvet cake?

SC276: Cake…~

CaptainPipsqueak: “My name used to be Goddamn Velvet, but I was asked to tone it down a bit. I do it mostly for the kids’ sakes.”



I’ve lost a lot of myself along the way.



JofY: “My front right hoof, my left ear, a nostril…”

SC276: “Misplaced the right part of my brain awhile ago…”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Velvet] “There was that one day I’d woken up after a bender and thought my hands had been chopped off. Then I remembered I didn’t have any. Boy was that embarrassing…”



Maybe too much.



JofY: [Velvet] “But, blood isn’t important.”



I don’t know if I can get it back. I’m trying, having Woe makes it a little easier, but I have let my anger get the better of me.”



Scarlet: Every so often, she goes into a berserker rage and slaughters whole ships.

SC276: I forgot - has Velvet done any killing in this fic?

CaptainPipsqueak: Time, brain cells...



Rye considered Velvet’s words, trying to understand, trying to figure out how this applied to him.



JofY: It’s not like someone who uses guns could ever be angry.



There was a fine, fine line



Scarlet: Between a lover and a friend?



it seemed, a narrow path that one had to walk if one chose this lifestyle. A worrisome thought trickled up from the depths of his mind; it had been far too easy to give in to his anger, he had gone from a mild mannered servant to a hot blooded gunslinger in the same amount of time it took to boil water for tea.



Scarlet: So about ten minutes with a decent electric kettle, then?

CaptainPipsqueak: You call that decent? I could have some in four.

JofY: You could even make pasta if you like it Al Dente.

SC276: This sounds like a painfully slow boil, though given how purple your prose is being, I think I can understand why that’d take so long.



He had done it because it felt right. He didn’t like slavery, he didn’t like his enforced servitude. He didn’t know how to express himself, or how to give words to his anger.



SC276: Have you tried?

Scarlet: [Walter White] “I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And I was really… I was alive.”

JofY: No, that’s from a story that actually knew anger.

CaptainPipsqueak: If he breaks into song, I swear to fuck I’m going to eat my mouse.



But resorting to violence had been easy, because of his cutie mark, because of his talent, he was good at it.



JofY: Really? What kind of violence?

CaptainPipsqueak: Violent violence: the most violent type of violence there is.



Gifted. He had taken to killing and violence the same way an otter took to swimming.



Scarlet: ...Okay, I was kidding but good on you for that particular rip-off.



He realised, that was the trouble.



ToonGuy: Those otters went TOO FAR THIS TIME.

JofY: Curse you Otters!!!



It was too easy, and as such, because it was easy, because it took no effort, this was the way he had chosen to express his anger.



SC276: Repeatedly?

Scarlet: Man, this is such a touching scene. I mean, kind of a pity it’s hard to care when he just tortured and interrogated a dude, but you know.

JofY: But... HEART!



“Choose to do better, Rye…



JofY: Guys… Is there a whip in here?



we have a job to do… a terrible job… a job that most ponies wouldn’t understand and most would rather not involve themselves.



Scarlet: What, being a wanted criminal instead of working for an organization that might allow you to legally free and rehabilitate slaves in some capacity such as, say, the royal navy?



Don’t let it do to you what it's done to me.”



JofY: ...Too easy.



Bloody Velvet turned and watched as all of the sand slipped out of her student’s telekinetic bubble. For a moment, Velvet’s blood ran cold—she could not help but feel that it was a bit too symbolic of sands draining out of an hourglass…



Scarlet: A dramatic re-enactment of Kudzu’s approach to writing. *picks up a board labeled ‘symbolism, whacks the nearest riffer in the face with it* GET IT?

SC276: I will encase you in obsidian.



she hoped that she was not out of time.



Scarlet: DO YOU GET IT, GUYS, BECAUSE SHE’S WORRIED IT’S TOO LATE FOR HER TO CHANGE WHO SHE IS

SC276: We get it.

JofY: ...I don’t. Sorry, I’m currently the densest object ever.



Nodding, Rye replied, “I’ll try.”



SC276: And fail miserably.

ToonGuy: Honestly, I think that’s rather par for the course at this point.



Chapter 24



“I have sand in strange places!”



CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, I’m not touching that line. Too easy.



Rye wiggled around, kicking out his hind legs, trying to free himself of said sand. He flicked his tail, a worried look appearing upon his face, and he gave himself another shake as Bloody Velvet rolled her eyes.



Scarlet: He proceeded to do the pony pokey and turn himself about.

CaptainPipsqueak: Is that what that was all about?

ToonGuy: If it is, I think my faith in a higher power got shattered.



“You’re funny.”



CaptainPipsqueak: If you say so, kid.

JofY: “That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”



Woe Betide looked up at Rye, an impish look on her face, and a terrible smile spreading over her muzzle.



JofY: What? Is she planning to lick the sand off?



“I think Miss Mousy and Starjammer both like the way you dance.”



JofY: ‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well, they’re ain’t no friends of mine.

Scarlet: And that was how Rye Mash became the world’s first freestyle dancer.

SC276: And why I don’t go to the beach anymore.



Freezing in place, Rye looked first at Mousy, who was indeed staring, and then at Starjammer. Rye was unable to name the expression upon Starjammer’s face, but it made him feel hot and flustered.



Scarlet: The smoulder?

ToonGuy: Perhaps it’s the ‘Please hump my ass’ expression.



Starjammer almost looked sleepy, his eyes were half closed, and he appeared as though he was lost in a dream.



SC276: He’s fantasizing he’s in a better story.

ToonGuy: Something I can sympathize with.

JofY: “ZZZ”



“Right, that’s enough of that, then.” Rye, gritting his teeth together, tried to ignore the sand lodged in the various cracks, crevices, and tender places on his body.



CaptainPipsqueak: [George Takei]: “Oh mai…”

ToonGuy: And if we get any more description than that, I’m out of here!



He couldn’t imagine being a mare and having to deal with sand—he had no idea how Velvet and Mousy were dealing with it.



Scarlet: I think I should be grateful that we’ve cut off short of Rye Mash fantasizing about a twelve year old ridding her crevices of sand, but that’s kind of just the low bar I’ve set for this story.



Skeeter had vanished



ToonGuy: Perhaps he’s going back to Doug Funnie and begging for his life back.



and the sound of the shower running revealed the pegasus’ location. The Apogee had a nice shower, even if it was a little cramped. Rye decided that when the shower was available, he would hop in there himself.



Scarlet: [Rye Mash] “On second thought, why wait? *licks lips*”



“Captain Spyglass wants to talk with all of us,” Oola said from where she reclined upon a small, well cushioned sofa. “This afternoon or this evening when we’ve all settled in. I dunno what’s up, but he seems anxious.”



Scarlet: [Oola] “With any luck, he’s found the plot. We did have one of those, didn’t we?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rye]: “That’s that thing where we do stuff for a reason right?”



The lounging kangaroo was holding a bottle of wine in her hand and she looked a bit sleepy.



JofY: Hey, is that a bottle of wine in your pouch, or are you just happy to see me?



“You know, this is so much better than home. Nice weather and everything around me isn’t trying to kill me.”



Scarlet: It’s funny because Australia is dangerous.

SC276: Um, cassowary, beyond the black stump, shrimp on the barbie, g’day mate?

ToonGuy: Steve Irwin! Home and Away! Dingos! Goodnight Irene!



“Anxious captains never good,” Bloody Velvet muttered to herself.



SC276: [Velvet] “THIS UNIT IS GETTING EXASPERATED WITH THE CONSTANT REBOOTS.”



There was a soft clink of metal as Rye Mash reassembled the new shotgun.



JofY: Not even a single shot, and it needs to be repaired.



It was a brutal, heavy device, the four barrels had not been rounded off in the slightest, the metal in which they were bored was squared, with hard edges on each corner, edges that would cleave a skull with a hearty smack.



SC276: In the event of an emergency landing, your gun may be used as a melee weapon.



The rotating action was smooth, well machined, perfect in every way, but it would need lots of oiling and care on a daily basis to keep it free moving.



SC276: I think I know what he intends to use for “oil”...

JofY: Sure it needed constant maintenance, but it was perfect… Wait...



As Rye worked, the seed of an idea was planted in his head. The revolving barrels were a great idea so one could keep firing, but they had a lot of issues; weight being the primary concern.



Scarlet: I told you that you shouldn’t buy it with an Agi build!



There had to be a way to reduce the weight of the weapon but keep the revolving barrels somehow, or at least the functionality of the revolving barrels.



SC276: If he invents the freakin’ revolver, I swear to Mew…!

JofY: No! I don’t have any Ocelot clips to use!



An almost blank expression was on Rye Mash’s face as he stared at his new gun.



JofY: I didn’t think it was possible to underact in written word.

ToonGuy: He’s doing the Hayden Christensen! “I don’t like sand.”



His eyes twitched, a swift movement, and he focused upon the four barreled pepperbox pistol. The price of rapid fire was steep.



Scarlet: Making a flat d10 roll each time just to find out if your weapon jams is a bit on the inconvenient side.



The pepperbox was also an ungainly weapon, rather heavy all things considered. It too, was suitable for smashing skulls when it ran out of shot and a large knob was built on the grip.



SC276: Wait, is that the quad-barrel? I don’t remember it getting that name before, and given “pepperbox” reminds me of Alice: Madness Returns, I would’ve noticed it.

JofY: Okay, how many times has it been mentioned that the weapon could be used for melee!?



“Thinking?”



CaptainPipsqueak: [Starjammer]: “I could hear sizzling and you seemed to be smoking slightly, so…”



Starjammer never said much and hearing his soft voice startled Rye. He turned his head and looked at his friend. The intense look of lusty dreaminess was gone, replaced by one of curiousity and concern.



Scarlet: [Starjammer] “Rye, are you sure it’s wise to throw your life’s savings into publishing a pornographic magazine for gun enthusiasts? It seems like a bit of a niche audience.”



“Yeah,” Rye replied, glad for a chance to talk, “the guns… I want to make them better somehow.



JofY: Or perhaps you should have bought better guns.



The multiple barrels are good for rapid fire, but they make the guns heavy. I want to make them lighter, but I don’t know how.”



SC276: [Rye] “For once, sticking my stick in them is not the right solution!”

JofY: [Starjammer] “*slaps Rye* Get ahold of yourself, man!”



“Hmm.” Starjammer’s face wrinkled with concentration.



ToonGuy: Ten years later and not a single thought had entered his head! It’s a miracle.



“This shotgun is a marvel of modern engineering. I have four barrels that can each fire separately or all at once.



JofY: “And then I can have sex with it!”

ToonGuy: Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘gun porn’ now doesn’t it- Oh, we already used that?



It is a portable deck clearing cannon… when I look at it, I can see the future…



Scarlet: And the future is stupid.

SC276: I thought they rotated to fire four large shots one at a time? I can’t believe I’m actually confused about which four-barrel gun we’re talking about.



I know it sounds funny, but I swear that it is true.” Rye drew in a deep breath, held it for a moment, all too aware that Starjammer was looking at him once again, and then he continued, “He that fires the most shots the fastest is the one that is most likely to win a firefight.



JofY: But all anyone else needs to defeat you is one.

Scarlet: You know, something about all this bothers me. I’m familiar with the history Kudzu’s referring to here, but it’s like he’s transplanting weird bits of earth-logic into this story and just ignoring how advances like literally a hundred percent of the population being magical horses would affect the dynamics and usefulness of weapons like a gatling gun. In a word- lazy insertion.



I just need to figure out a way for a gun to hold more shots without increasing the weight too much.



JofY: Actually, you can ignore gun weight if you grit your teeth all the time, and SCREAM at random.



It’s driving me crazy that I can’t think of a better way than what I am looking at in front of me.”



Scarlet: Well, you had it half-right SC. He’s not going to invent the revolver at this rate. He’s going to invent belt-fed weapons.

SC276: Like that’s any better…

JofY: Technically...



Rye looked down at the wooden floorboards.



JofY: “Of course! I’ll make my gun entirely out of wood!”



His cleaning kit was spread over the floor, his cloak was wadded up in a pile near the bed, and his different guns were scattered everywhere all around him. Five pistols in total, including his sniper pistol and his pepperbox.



Scarlet: [Rye] “I’ve got it! What if I combine them into one MEGA-gun?”

ToonGuy: And Rob Liefeld came from above and spake “You have done well, my young apprentice.” And then he probably blew something up because that’s just the way he rolls.



His main pistols, the one that Bloody Velvet had given him, he called Right Nut and Left Nut, for those moments when he needed to go ‘balls out.’



Scarlet: Remember, this is the pony who, when confronted with the possibility of safe, enthusiastic, consensual sex, grew awkward and went “eeeew”. He’s naming his pistols after nuts. If this is supposed to be development, I’d like to see the damn turning points.

ToonGuy: Also, question, does he really want to be known as the pony who, if his weapons broke at some point, broke both of his nuts?

CaptainPipsqueak: The Gun is good! The Penis is evil!



All of this firepower. So much weight and preparation required to keep them all ready to fire.



“You will find a way.”



SC276: It requires getting another bunch of writers and editors who are capable of making people care about their characters, but you will.



Lifting his head, Rye looked at Starjammer, surprised to hear so many words from his friend.



JofY: I know! That was like 5 words.



He felt a little more optimistic about finding a solution. He grinned at his friend and felt his heart pick up the pace a little bit.



Scarlet: Be still, my beating heart. I know you can’t take the excitement of this scene. I am so invested right now.



Starjammer had showered as well and had groomed himself to perfection. Sniffing, Rye smelled lavender and rose oil, a feminine smell, and he knew that Starjammer had pilfered Bloody Velvet’s much treasured soaps.



SC276: And yet he’s not dead? “Bloody Velvet” doesn’t really live up to her name.

JofY: Well, as long as he doesn’t spill who got pregnant on Abby, she’ll spare him.



There would be fighting and threats of violence later, which should be amusing to watch.



Scarlet: This. This is what gets to me. Kudzu has all these little ideas that should be adding up to an entertaining story, and yet he keeps failing to finish the equation. It’s nothing from something. Creation ex nihilo reversed.



“Starjammer… if I am going to change the world, I’m going to need a lot more bullets and a lot more guns… I don’t think this is going to be enough.



JofY: What? 5 guns aren’t enough to take over the world?



I don’t think I’m enough… I—” Rye Mash’s voice faltered. “Maybe I’m crazy to even think that the world can be changed.”



Scarlet: Because the most efficient way to change the world is with deadly force!

ToonGuy: Just some advice, if you want to preach about destroying the unworthy, that’ll help your popularity levels no end!

JofY: In fact, take this white cat. It’ll help with your public image.

SC276: Crazy, yes...



Shivering, Rye Mash felt Starjammer brushing up against him. He could feel hot breath on his neck. Starjammer’s touch was comforting, but something about it also scared Rye, causing his heart to thump within his barrel and he could feel his life’s blood rushing through his neck.



SC276: Pretty sure that blood’s going away from his head.



He felt Starjammer’s snoot press into him, just below his ear, which caused his whole body to shiver-shudder. There was a soft kiss, the feeling of two lips lingering against the tender skin just below his ear… and then… nothing more.



CaptainPipsqueak: That was more than enough, thanks.

ToonGuy: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY BOOZE?

JofY: …*puts away popcorn*



Starjammer pulled away and Rye felt his head being turned by the warm tingle of Starjammer’s magic. He gazed into Starjammer’s stark grey eyes.



“What?” Rye’s lone word came out as he breathed, his barrel rising and falling.



SC276: Subtle, author.

JofY: One misfire later…

ToonGuy: I swear, it never happens to him.



But Starjammer said nothing else. Rye watched with breathless anticipation as Starjammer rose and left his cabin, leaving behind a perfumed cloud and a feeling of frustration.



SC276: Exactly what the fic’s been leaving behind the entire time.



Was it something profound?



JofY: Well, depends on how pretentious one wants to be. However, most of the time, if they’re trying to show actually doing it rather than the act itself, it’s just shlock… We’re talking about sex, right?

CaptainPisqueak: I don’t know about the story, but we were trying desperately not to. Thanks for ruining that.



Did Starjammer know something that he didn’t? Was Starjammer just messing with him?



JofY: Find out next time! Same bat time, same bat channel!



No answers seemed forthcoming. Letting out a frustrated and flustered whinny, Rye Mash began packing up his guns and cleaning up his mess.



Scarlet: Ew.



“Velvet is acting funny,” Woe said in a conspiratorial whisper. “She’s not acting like she normally does, she’s distracted and weird.”



SC276: I would assume that’s an aftereffect of the whole “anger” rant.



Rye looked into Woe’s single green eye and considered the filly’s words. What was normal for Bloody Velvet? He didn’t know.



JofY: Was this pretentious writing? We do know.



She was a mysterious sort to begin with, she had the Shivers, and she had some serious mood swings.



SC276: [Woe] “Those are proving very difficult to repair.”



That said, Woe wasn’t stupid, she was a survivor that knew how to read other ponies, or, as Woe put it, she knew how to find a good mark. She had found Rye after all.



Scarlet: Implying a nine year old kid was playing this guy to save her! Oh, Kudzu~



“Now that I think about it, Starjammer is acting funny too,” Woe added after she turned away from Rye and looked at Starjammer, who was sitting in a chair in the corner with a vacant stare, his nose pointing towards the ceiling.



ToonGuy: You know it looks suspicious, but he’s actually just noticing a stain up there that’s bugging the shit out of him!

SC276: Oh god, they both have crushes on him. And we already know how it’s going to end up because the author can’t bother with freakin’ suspense and blabbed in the comments.

JofY: ...What an idiot!



Something was up,



ToonGuy: Well yes. The sky.

JofY: No, actually, that’s the sea.

CaptainPipsqueak: No. The ceiling.



Rye found himself agreeing with Woe Betide. Perhaps Velvet and Starjammer had said a few words to one another.



JofY: How dare they converse!



Maybe this was about pilfered soap. Soap was a rare commodity, precious, hard to find, prized, a treasure to be hoarded.



ToonGuy: You know I forgot that one scene in the Hobbit where Smaug revealed that he wasn’t after the gold at all. The Dwarves just had really really great soap.



Bloody Velvet had said in no uncertain terms that if Rye stole her soap, she would geld him, and Rye had found his own supply of soap, something plain and unscented that had caused Starjammer to utter one word—plebian.



SC276: Is this Shakespeare? Because it’s Much Ado About Nothing.

JofY: What about a mass murderer is a common civilian?



“Maybe they quarrelled. Keep an eye on them, I’m going up on deck. There’ll be a meeting with the captain soon and I want some fresh air before we do that.” Rye gave Woe a nudge. “I think you and I might be the only normal unicorns on this ship.”



SC276: Says the guy that named his guns after testicles.

ToonGuy: No that’s actually a perfectly normal and healthy thing for insecure, constantly needing a reminder of their stallion-ness twits.



Woe giggled and nodded her head. “I’ll keep an eye on them.”



CaptainPipsqueak: I ‘saw’ what you did there!

SC276: It’d be more clever if she wasn’t literally repeating what he said.



Standing on the deck of The Apogee, Rye Mash watched as supplies were carried over the makeshift wooden bridge that stretched between The Apogee and The Whalefish.



Scarlet: He gazed out, admiring the padding inserted into this story to meet weekly wordcount goals.



The two ships were docked together in the harbour, hovering just above the water, the gasbags seemed to be close enough to almost touch.



JofY: Of course, one of them constantly said, ‘I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you…’ and it got really annoying.



The Apogee was a whole lot smaller than The Whalefish.



ToonGuy: You know, I would hope so.

JofY: An entire 3 inches smaller!

SC276: Is the Apogee in orbit around the Koholint or something?



Having both of them together made this far more noticeable for Rye. Modifications were going to be made to The Apogee to make it a little more comfortable for the number of crew it currently had, but Rye didn’t know what those were. He hadn’t been paying attention.



ToonGuy: And at once, this explains a LOT of the potential mistakes that could be made.



Captain Spyglass was flying around overhead, overseeing the transfer of goods and watching everything that was being loaded onto The Whalefish. A whole lot of cheese had been secured and the large wheels were being hauled aboard on the backs of stout earth pony crew members.



JofY: A lot has just been explained.

SC276: [Monterey Jack] “Ch-ch-ch-CHEESE?!?!”



“Oi, there’ll be a fog belowdecks with all this cheese.”



ToonGuy: You know, if I had found this fanfiction and learned that this had pirates in it, I can certainly tell you that I was extraordinarily excited to learn the constant struggle that was delivering cheese.



Oola’s voice and strange accent made Rye smile.



JofY: Because laughing at someone’s native dialect, isn’t racist.

CaptainPipsqueak: Only if you point at them.



He watched as the hefty kangaroo lifted up a crate of goods from an earth pony’s back and then hauled it away, taking it downstairs to be stored in the kitchen. The galley? Rye was still learning about the right terms.



JofY: ...Isn’t the main character a sailor of some sort?

SC276: And since there was a time skip, has been for several months. Worst sailor ever.



In the distance, a bell rang out.



JofY: Ooh! Dinner time!



It kept ringing and Rye began to feel a sense of worry. Flights of pegasi and griffons mercenaries filled the skies, Regulators.



JofY: Not only that, but there were transistors and gates abound!

SC276: Hoo boy, someone set off the trigger happies.



It was hard to see overhead because of the gasbags.



CaptainPipsqueak: Hey. No. No. That is not what you call your friends!



Taking off at a trot, Rye moved around the deck, trying to get a better view. He couldn’t fly, so he couldn’t see what was going on.



Looking out towards the ocean, Rye could see the source of the commotion.



SC276: So he can see what’s going on. Make up your mind!



A gleaming silver airship was steaming into the harbour.



JofY: A ship made entirely out of steam!?

SC276: Does it have seasonal sails?



The gasbag was long, sleek, and white, while the ship itself suspended beneath was a beautiful vessel made of shiny metal.



SC276: So… silver? I mean, not all that glitters is gold, so I’m not sure what else it could be. Seems like a stupid thing to make a ship out of.

CaptainPipsqueak: It was made of chrome. And it had bitchin’ flame decals along the sides.



It bristled with guns and two smaller escort corvettes flew on either side.



SC276: Wait, I thought this was the 1600’s or something. Why are there flying cars?

JofY: Please SC276, flying cars? Ridiculous. These are flying limos.

ToonGuy: Or humvees.

Scarlet: No comment from the God of Shenanigans.



Other vessels were moving to intercept. Rye Mash was worried. Pirates? Invaders?



JofY: Pirate invaders?

CaptainPipsquick: Ninja Pirate Ghosts?



A group of minotaurs with muskets swarmed over the docks, mooing and bellowing.



JofY: And now the cows are in heat!

ToonGuy: It was UDDER chaos. *gets slapped for that pun* Sorry.

CaptainPipsqueak: NO YOU’RE NOT.



Artillery guns were turning.



“Oh we are buggered,” Captain Spyglass shouted as he landed on the deck of The Whalefish. The pegasus looked at Rye, who was standing on The Apogee. “Mister Mash, prepare to be boarded.”



RingmasterJ5: Remember how I mentioned that this part gets so much dumber than the others? Well, now you’re about to see why.

SC276: Right now, all I’m seeing is Port Royal going on full alert. What could possibly happen?

ToonGuy: NO YOU FOOL YOU’VE CURSED US ALL.



White pegasi with gleaming golden armor streamed forth from the enormous airship that had invaded the harbour and a large cloaked figure flew in their midst, the cloak billowing out behind them. Rye stood with his guns ready. He suspected he knew who had just arrived.



JofY: Bill, from accounting.

ToonGuy: He doesn’t give one shit!

SC276: ...Oh for pete’s sake, he’s throwing in Sunbutt.



The Regulators were all standing down now and the airships that had moved to defend the harbour were now giving the three ships that had arrived a wide berth.



SC276: Apparently Celestia’s airship is so unknown that they felt the need to prepare for attack. That or they’re just that bloodthirsty. It’s like the immune system reacting to a vaccine. A Celestia vaccine.

JofY: Then again, how would your body react if your doctor injected you with SunnyD?

ToonGuy: Mass produce purple stuff?

SC276: Probably unleash the power of the sun. Contains 5% juice.



Captain Spyglass stood beside him on the deck of The Apogee and Rye heard his captain let out a fearful whimper when the first of the pegasi landed upon the deck. Rye stood his ground, defiant, a bit angry, and afraid. He had a sneaking suspicion that he knew why their visitor was here, and why both Starjammer and Bloody Velvet had been acting so strange.



SC276: So freakin’ say it already, I got a transport hub to craft here!

RingmasterJ5: Oh, yeah, it’d probably a good time to mention that in Kudzu’s version of Equestria, the Princesses have weird mind-control abilities and use them very frequently.

JofY:...what.

ToonGuy: Oh, it’s one of those stories.

SC276: I’d say “kinky,” but I’ve seen what this author considers kinky and want no part of it.



She had come for them, that was what Rye Mash feared.



JofY: The pervert.

SC276: I’ve recycled most of the last four parts out of my memory for my own safety. Why again would the crown want these two? And that’s not even on top of why the princess herself would come- Rye’s going to kill her, isn’t he.

RingmasterJ5: I swear, if the original manages to do it before Eye can...



She herself had come for Starjammer perhaps, because of what he had done, or she had come for Bloody Velvet. She had come to take them away, to take them back to Equestria, to make them answer for what they had done.



JofY: She was going to give them a pop quiz that they didn’t study for!

SC276: She’s coming to take them away, ah ha, she’s coming to take them away, oh ho, hee hee ha ha to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...



She had muddled their minds somehow to prevent them from knowing that she was coming.



JofY: Eww...



She was landing on the deck right now.



JofY: Unfortunately for her, it was the poop deck.

SC276: You’d think an experienced ship would swab that every so often.



Rye Mash watched as Princess Celestia touched down.



JofY: And the Cantercolts win the Super Bowl!!!



She was large, white, her head was covered in a thick hood made of brilliant blue cloth. She folded her wings against her sides and her heavy blue cloak settled about her body, fluttering in the breeze.



SC276: Insert “Bergentrückung” here.

Scarlet: It was nice to meet you, Kudzu. Goodbye.



“Surrender your arms,” a pegasus said.



JofY: “We don’t have arms, we only have hoofs.”



Rye, blinking, stared at the pegasus guard, his anger making him grow hot.



JofY: The others started to grill eggs on his back.

SC276: Getting aroused at the prospect of a good fight… Yep, we’re on track here.



He shook his head, his heart thudding so hard inside of his barrel that it was causing him pain.



JofY: He placed his heart inside a gun?... Fine, I do it: SHOT THROUGH THE HEART!

SC276: Last time he would ever try heartplay.



No, no there was no way that Rye was going to surrender his arms.



JofY: What about your legs?

SC276: Ratings+250



There was no way that he was going to let his friends be taken.



JofY: After all, he didn’t have a particular set of skills.

SC276: Y’know, he’s just assuming that she’s here for them. For all you know, she wanted to buy some cheese.

ToonGuy: Why not, we spent so much time on it.



There was no way that he would allow himself to be taken.



SC276: What is this, a Liam Neeson movie?

ToonGuy: No, if it was a Liam Neeson movie we’d probably be enjoying it a lot more.



He was a fugitive too, no doubt. Missing property. He was standing on stolen property.



“Mister Mash, surrender your arms, if you please,” Captain Spyglass said in a pleading voice.



JofY: Cut! Okay, try it again, but this time don’t sound like a wimp.

ToonGuy: Also, for god’s sake put a clean set of armor on.



“That is an order, Mister Mash.”



“No.” Rye Mash’s refusal was spat out at the same time that he drew all of his weapons at once, his telekinesis straining to deal with all of them.



JofY: Yeah, I’m sure that this task would be equally hard for a foal as well.

SC276: He’s going to do it. He’s actually going to kill Celestia. Or at least someone’s going to die trying. Or die when he tries. You get the point.

ToonGuy: No, if Mash carries on this way, he’s getting the point….of Celestia’s horn through his spleen.



He leveled his new shotgun at the group of pegasi guards.



JofY: [Crewmate] “Hey, isn’t that the gun that doesn’t work?”



“No, I’ll not let her take them or me… I’m never going back. I’d rather die.”



“Mister Mash, you are going to get all of us killed,” Captain Spyglass said.



SC276: And that’s different from anything he’s done before how now?



“Listen to your captain,” a pegasus commanded, stepping closer.



SC276: Listen to your doctor- “I don’t need my meds!”



“One more step and I will blow your head off.”



JofY: The commander then proceeded to fly over, as smugly as possible.

SC276: Sorry, lady, looks like I couldn’t keep my promise.



Rye pointed the four barreled pepperbox at the nearest pegasus, the one that had issued the command. “Try me… you might kill me, but most of of you are coming with me.”



JofY: Yeah… Next time, try saying something badass.



There was an ominous clicking sound as Rye cocked all of his guns at once.



JofY: A little like Rice Krispies® after you pour in the milk.



Captain Spyglass gulped and tried not to piss himself in front of the alicorn princess.



JofY: Captain Spyglass: Has the bladder control of a foal.



Moving forwards, her guards parting before her, Princess Celestia approached Rye Mash, her thin white muzzle protruding from her hood.



SC276: He’s announced attentions to open fire on the entire royal guard with an armory probably matching the rest of the crew combined… and she’s walking towards him.

ToonGuy: Princess Celestia gives no shits!

Scarlet: He’s an unstable child and she’s a god. She wins.



She moved with a smooth, easy grace, and as she came forwards, she held her head high.



“Captain Sparrow, please, stand down. This one will shoot you.”



SC276: You will remember the day you failed to capture Captain [Jack] Sparrow!



Princess Celestia’s voice cut through the tension like a knife.



JofY: Tension, no!!! He was innocent!

ToonGuy: Funeral at twelve. Will have cake.



“Please, good sir, keep your guns but put them away. You are either very brave or very foolish to be so defiant, I am hoping that you are brave.”



SC276: Hate to disappoint ya, lady...



The tall white alicorn cleared her throat. “Please, be calm and do not be worried. I have come here looking for help, not to cause you trouble or take your friends from you. Yes, I am fully aware who is belowdecks.



JofY: Great, now they’re going to introduce this Belowdecks fellow.



I know both of them. I give you my word that I am not here for them.”



SC276: If the princesses liberally use mind-control, doesn’t that make them effectively sirens?

JofY: *takes out a thousand page report* ...Yes.



Swallowing, feeling a lump in his throat, Rye Mash looked up at the white alicorn and then at the pegasus who had given him a command. The pegasus was backing away. He looked up again and saw a gentle smile. This was a misunderstanding, it seemed.



SC276: Story of your life.



With the muffled click of metal, Rye Mash uncocked his guns and began holstering them, his eyes never leaving what little he could see of Princess Celestia’s face.



“My apologies, Ma’am,” Rye Mash said to Princess Celestia. “Perhaps we could discuss what brings you here over tea?” Much to Rye’s surprise, he heard a soft laugh from the much larger alicorn.



JofY: [Celestia] “AHO HO HO!”

SC276: [Celestia] “Upupupupu!”

Scarlet: God damn it people, no! That is not how you do the “wealthy lady” anime laugh! One hand on your hips, like so! One hand up to cover your mouth like so! Then the most forced laugh imaginable! Like so!

JofY: ...Where’’s the laugh?



“I did not expect any of this,”



JofY: You didn’t expect outlaws to react poorly to authority?



Princess Celestia replied, “first to find one with such bravery and then to discover that he is well mannered.



JofY: [Celestia] “Regretting not blasting them from orbit.”



I would very much like to discuss this over tea.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Mostly to splash it in your ugly face.”

ToonGuy: “Or to poison it and watch you die horribly in agony.”



Rye Mash bowed his head. “Very well then, I apologise for my rather rude welcome, but I did not know your intentions.”



SC276: When you assume, you make an ass out of you and- actually, just you.



After clearing her throat, Princess Celestia said, “I am in need of brave, ruthless ponies with stout hearts.



JofY: “Do you know where I could find some?”

SC276: [Celestia] “Clearly my only choice is vigilantes.”

ToonGuy: [Rye] Sorry! Our hearts are only mildly chubby at this point!



I am actually quite reassured by your welcome. I have no doubt that you are just the sort of pony I have been looking for…”



JofY: *audible wink*

SC276: *hand wave* These are not the sort of pony you have been looking for.



Chapter 25



Feeling a powerful feeling of frustration,



ToonGuy: -the audience left at last.

SC276: Preaching to the choir, bubba.



Rye Mash sat down in a chair opposite from Princess Celestia, who sat on the floor on a nice cushion.



JofY: Making an obvious power play.



Being as tall as she was, she still towered over the table.



JofY: So even though she was tall, she was tall?



Nothing he had said had reached her.



JofY: Well, maybe if you put a bit of effort in your swings, you’d hit.



He had tried warning her about the conspiracies he had uncovered, he had tried to warn her about the plot to remove her from power.



JofY: [Rye] “I think your life may be in serious danger!”

[Celestia] “I don’t care!”

SC276: [Celestia] “I’m in the sequel, I have plot armor!”

ToonGuy: [Celestia] “I’m also in THIS story, you think I’m not dead inside already!?”



He had tried to tell her what he knew



ToonGuy: Took him ten seconds in total, not counting his hour long rant on sand.



—and she had silenced him. Starjammer had fled the room and Bloody Velvet had done the same, leaving just a few seconds after Starjammer had skedaddled away. Captain Spyglass was sitting at the table, looking fearful, saying nothing.



SC276: Sounds about as productive as most Dilbert business meetings.



“Young Mister Mash, there is something you must understand.”



JofY: When a woman says no...



As Princess Celestia spoke, she pulled back her hood, which caused the well mannered Rye Mash to gasp.



JofY: “You got a botox!?”



Her face was pinched, her eyes were sunken and bloodshot.



JofY: Yeah, now tell us what is different from how she normally looks.

CaptainPipsqueak: Sha-WING!



She looked tired, as though she had not slept in years.



SC276: Either she tried marathoning One Piece or she tried to take The Chase straight-up.

JofY: Ain’t that the same thing?



“There are always conspiracies. There are always plots. I eat each meal wondering which bite of food has been poisoned and will continue to weaken me.”



JofY: It’s the liquor. It’s always the liquor.



Princess Celestia drew in a deep breath, her sides expanding.



JofY: Okay, who’s filling her with helium?



“I am not in a position where I can deal with such trivial issues, there are far more important things I must be looking after.



JofY: So, death is just a slap on the wrist?



I know it will be difficult for you to understand, but I assure you, there are things that I must deal with that consume all of my energy.”



SC276: [Celestia] “In case you’ve forgotten, I move the freakin’ sun.”



“Aye, Ma’am.” Rye peered at the alicorn, wondering what brought her here. He supposed that she would tell him, after all, that was what she was here for.



JofY: [Celestia] “Glad we could come to an agreement, bye!”



Turning his head, Rye saw Mousy creeping towards the table, her ears were pinned back, her tail drooping, and she kept her head low.



SC276: Pickpocketing the princess and living to tell the tale? I thought you wanted to keep a low profile when you’re a con artist.



On the table, the tea was steeping and fragrant, nose tickling steam curled and rose towards the ceiling.



JofY: That tea’s an assassin!



There was a soft, faint creak of wood as Mousy pulled out her chair from the table and she sat down, her expression one of near terror as she kept staring at the alicorn before her.



SC276: If she’s terrified, why is she even here?

ToonGuy: That’s a deep question man.



“As for the matter at hoof, Mister Mash, my student, who is very dear to me, was foalnapped,”



JofY: She was forced to be a part of nap time!?



Princess Celestia said as her ears drooped.



JofY: Removing all dignity from the scene.



The white alicorn looked troubled and her tired looking bloodshot eyes focused upon Rye Mash.



SC276: She’s not telling the captain because why now?



“Oh dear,” Rye Mash replied, trying to sound both kind and sympathetic.



SC276: But he failed horribly.

ToonGuy: Ah yes. Emotions. This story has heard of this mythical thing, but has not done the bloody research.

JofY: “Why yes that sound terrible. I am sad. This is sad… Wah. Wah.”



“Can you tell me more about her? Do you have any leads? And, not to sound rude, what makes you think that we can find her?”



JofY: [Celestia] “No clue. Good luck!”



“Her name is Stella Scintilla.



SC276: This probably means something, and it’s probably something stupid.

JofY: ...What happened to Twilight?

SC276: It’s called “being like two hundred years in the past,” keep up already.



She is a unicorn, a bit younger than you. She has a pale blue pelt and a darker blue mane. Her cutie mark is a shining silver star.



JofY: The more you know.



She has a powerful astronomy talent and is able to read the stars in a way that few can.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Also, she’s probably going to offer her pussy to you when she first sees you, because she’s a girl in this fic that’s not me.”

JofY: SC, we don’t need to give redundant information.

CaptainPipsqueak: I concur: don’t do the story’s job for it. Two hours, dungeon. No trial.



Sitting in his chair, looking calm, Rye felt his blood run cold. Some of the ciphers he had puzzled out stated that the stars themselves could be turned against Princess Celestia.



SC276: They’re just taking their time getting to the moon. It’s going to be another, what, 200 years I think?



He said nothing, either Princess Celestia would shush him for saying something or she would already know. Either way, Rye understood that it was his place to remain silent and follow directions.



“Stella was stolen by a former student of mine… a unicorn named ‘Inkblot.’



SC276: If he turns out to be a reference to Inkheart… I probably won’t do anything, I haven’t read Inkheart. But if it’s actually a reference to the Phantom Blot, then the nukes start.

Scarlet: I’ve read that. It’s not a reference. It’s just bizarre.



Inkblot is a proud son of House Evening Star and is also an astronomer with powerful magical abilities, in this instance, divination. He will be quite dangerous, I assure you. He turned on me.



JofY: “He turned me right round, baby, right round. Like a record baby.”

Scarlet: “He will give you a horoscope that is almost fifty percent more accurate than what is featured in the average newspaper!”



Currently, Inkblot is in the employ of a pony named Salad Days.”



SC276: That is literally the least intimidating villain name I’ve ever heard.

ToonGuy: You shouldn’t underestimate him. I heard he once cooked a salad so bad that it mildly inconvenienced someone for a whole HOUR!

CaptainPipsqueak: Maybe that was because he was cooking it. You don’t cook a salad, you prepare one.



Rye tried swallowing the lump he found rising in his throat.



JofY: Not healthy and nutritious food!



He kept his calm as he prepared the tea, pouring a bit of cream into the cups, some sugar, and then, at last, the tea.



SC276: Riveting.

Scarlet: At least he’s pouring the tea properly. In details we needed.



He felt his heart racing as his mind made the connections. He knew of Salad Days.



SC276: Why don’t you tell us then, so we have more than a criminal with at least two henchponies?

ToonGuy: Yeah, be like James Bond, give us SOME information for us to chew over until we get to him and discover he’s a colossal idiot.

CaptainPisqueak: I remember my salad days...



His brows furrowed. Two astronomers? Divination? He was going to need to ask Bloody Velvet a million questions,



CaptainPipsqueak: I only see two there.



he wasn’t sure what divination was or how somepony skilled in divination or astronomy could be dangerous.



SC276: Didn’t this guy go to unicorn school? I’m pretty sure he went to unicorn school. How do you not know what divination is in a world where everything runs on freakin’ magic? Also, how the hell does guy that’s been on a ship in the age of swashbuckling not at least heard of navigating by stars?

CaptainPipsqueak: Because magic, stu- Oh. Wait. Hmm...



One eyebrow raising, Rye Mash cleared his throat and then addressed Princess Celestia in the most polite voice he could muster, seeing as how he felt as though he was choking.



JofY: He drank the wrong cup.

Scarlet: No, no, it was in both cups. Princess Celestia has spent her entire reign building up a resistance to Iocaine powder.



“I understand that when I find Stella that I am to rescue her and bring her back to you, but what would you like for me to do when I encounter Inkblot?”



SC276: He’ll be more agreeable if it involves shooting, fucking, or any combination of the two.

CaptainPipsqueak: If this guy begins fucking someone with a gun, I am taking several pictures and then leaving.



“While I very much would like to see my former student have a change of heart and come back into the fold, I very much doubt that such a thing will happen.”



SC276: [Celestia] “And I can mind-control people, so that freakin’ means something.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “N...not that I do that or anything; I was just saying rhetorically.”



A look of terrible sadness came over Princess Celestia’s face.



JofY: She forgot to TiVo Homeland.

Fallen Prime: TiVo can’t still be a thing.



“He was my student and I still love him a great deal.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia]: “Like a son, so don’t give me that look. I realise that in this story that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, though, but I’ll ask that you let me believe otherwise.



If he is unreasonable, if he does not cooperate, please… please, do make sure that it is quick if you have to put him down.”



SC276: [Rye] “Ma’am, as any of my lovers will tell you, I do not fire off quickly.”

JofY: [Celestia] “I have reports that say different.”

ToonGuy: “Especially after that one time where I shoved my penis in a gun barrel. Didn’t fire off at all for at least three weeks.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Which?



“Why me? Why choose us? Why come out here to this place, find us, and ask us to do this?” Rye Mash asked, his muzzle crinkling in an intense, quizzical expression.



SC276: It’s called “being the protagonist of the story.”



“Young Mister Mash, I have few allies at home. I fight to keep my throne. Things continue to worsen.



SC276: Sentences remain short.

ToonGuy: Bad stuff happens.

JofY: More, at 11.

CaptainPipsqueak: No money down. Six easy payments.

Scarlet: Rorschach cameo!



For reasons I do not wish to explain,



CaptainPipsqueak: *A-hem*



I have been left weakened…



CaptainPipqueak: *A-HEM*

JofY: What about your right side?



while I do not know you as well as I might like, I have been watching you for some time—”



“Through Bloody Velvet,” Rye said, his manners slipping as he interrupted.



SC276: Huh. By coincidence, I’ve actually rewatched Coraline recently.

ToonGuy: I can’t hate the sin and love the sinner though! I hate both of them!

CaptainPipsqueak: Well, which one do you hate more?



“Correct.”



SC276: [Celestia] “You really need to update your firewall. I hacked her cameras like freakin’ that.”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Celestia]: “I mean, okay; I’m a Goddess with several thousands of years experience, but that was just sad.”



Princess Celestia’s mouth tightened into a straight line and she looked quite serious. “Cerise Velvet might be troubled, but she is still a good pony. I have seen her heart,



JofY: “After all, I was the one who ripped it out.”

CatainPipsqueak: [Celestia] “What? I put it back, didn’t I?”



it weighs heavily with what she has done and what has been done to her.



JofY: Actually, she just hasn’t been eating well the past few days.



Had I the means, I would have saved her and others like her, but alas, I cannot. There is too much going on.”



SC276: ~Busy, busy, horribly busy / You’ve no idea what I have to do…~

Scarlet: Dear God, we’ve gone full Veggietales.



The white alicorn lifted up her teacup and drank some with a surprising slurp.



JofY: Yes, like right now you can’t do anything because you’re drinking tea.



Rye Mash heard more slurping as Mousy lowered her head and began lapping up her tea out of the teacup he had placed in front of her.



JofY: The swine.

ToonGuy: Improper tea drinking shall be punished by DEATH.

SC276: Please, ToonGuy, this isn’t Japan.

CaptainPipsqueak: Pity. If this were Japan, there’d be an attack by ninjas. Ninjas.



Captain Spyglass wasn’t even trying to drink his tea. The pegasus looked scared still, but also thoughtful.



“We operate on a very thin margin,” Captain Spyglass said to Princess Celestia in a low voice. “We are in a very precarious position, doing what we do.



ToonGuy: And next in our ‘Things the Brothel owner said’ series of comments….



While I would like to help, I am unsure about sailing all over the world in search of a foalnapped student.”



JofY: “If it were a teacher...”

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey; our last “story” involved a foalnapped...um...foal. What are the odds?

SC276: Considering that by most of your logic most of the slaves you free are foalnapped, I don’t see how it’s much of a stretch, really.



“Captain Spyglass—”



“Hush, Mister Mash.” The pegasus had a hard look come over his face.



ToonGuy: Ewwwwwww.



“We try to do what good we can, but I am not going to get my crew killed trying to rescue just one student. That is not a good return for the danger involved. We just rescued a whole bunch of foals… the rewards have to be exceptional when weighed against the risks.”



JofY: ...Wait a sec, isn’t Celestia hiring a group of mercenaries to do detective work?

SC276: Currying favor with the princess isn’t “exceptional” enough for you?



Captain Spyglass looked Princess Celestia in the eye and one hoof began to tap upon the table.



JofY: Isn’t Spyglass the kangaroo?

Scarlet: That’s Oola, but honestly I can’t blame you. Everyone’s running together for me too now.



“This isn’t about money or trying to get you to pay us more coin. For me, this life was never about the money.”



“I understand, Captain Spyglass, but your bargaining posture is rather dubious. You see, no matter how noble you might think your actions are, you are a criminal. You have done some very bad things.



JofY: [Celestia] “Like, what the hell is up with all the sex?”

Scarlet: Truly, freeing slaves is a crime in Equestria of the highest order. *stare of WTF*



Questionable things.



JofY: [Celestia] “Like, what the hell is up with all the sex?”



Things that you must answer for.



JofY: [Celestia] “Like, what the hell, is up, with all, and I do mean all, the sex? Are you all always horny!?”



Should you refuse me, as much as it bothers me to do this, this lovely tea time will end in your arrest.



JofY: And she so wants to ask about their recipe and not have it be awkward.



Not your crew, just you. I will then ask Young Mister Mash to help me once more, and if he refuses—” Princess Celestia turned her steely gaze upon Rye Mash and one eyebrow raised.



SC276: This is like the time the protagonist of Ready Player One first meets the main villain.

Scarlet: Because God forbid our heroes be motivated by any sense of patriotism, nobility, or even by the possibility of receiving royal sanction. No, they need to be threatened in order to do anything remotely good for Princess Celestia.



“So this tea time ends in a bloodbath and I have to start shooting every pegasus guard that comes down those steps…



JofY: Not the unicorns or earth ponies?

ToonGuy: Of course not! What are the unicorns going to do? USE MAGIC?!



unless you plan to do us in yourself, which I am sure you could do, but then the entire town of Sable Blanc will know that you murdered us during the false pretenses of a peaceful exchange.”



JofY: Except that she didn’t murder you, she committed self-defense.

CaptainPipsqueak: Extremely thoroughly.

SC276: Any interaction with Rye Mash is self-defense by default. Granted, that applies to all OP OCs…

ToonGuy: You think there’s a support group for ponies like him?

SC276: There should be. OCs Anonymous.



Rye Mash leaned forwards, a hard look in his eye.



JofY: His eye is erect?

ToonGuy: [Celestia] “Why Mr. Rye Mash, your crow’s nest seems very alert!”



“And nopony wants that outcome.



JofY: Wadda bout the minotaurs?

CaptinPipsqueak: Well, ‘nominotaurs’ just sounds stupid...more stupid, and who cares about the lower races anyway?



So it is in everypony’s best interests to play nice with one another, it is in your best interests to continue to be nice to us, and it is in our best interests to do as you ask.”



SC276: And it’s in our best interests to deposit this pour excuse of const char* in the recycle bin.



“More and more, I am starting to believe that I have, indeed, found the right pony for the job,” Princess Celestia said in a low voice as she looked at Rye Mash through narrowed eyes.



SC276: [Celestia] “Granted, that’s because Inky already killed all the more qualified candidates, but still.”



“Mister Mash, you are supposed to be looking after my interests—”



“I am, Captain Spyglass, I am keeping you from being arrested and preventing a blood bath from taking place.”



JofY: [Spyglass] “But I’m not interested in that!”

SC276: We all know for a fact that if a fight between Rye and the royal guard breaks out, Rye will win. I sort of wish that’d actually happen so we can just get to the point.

ToonGuy: This story has a point?!



Rye Mash, still leaning forwards, turned to look at the pegasus beside him. “I understand your hesitation on this issue, but what choice do we have?”



Scowling, Spyglass began to tap upon the table with his hoof. “Not much, it seems. And if we part ways, fly off, and not do the job, I am certain there is a contingency in place to deal with us.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Yeah, it’s called ‘making Sable Blanc think you’re actually pirates so they blow you out of the sky.’ Every single one of you is my bitch.”



“She muddled the minds of Bloody Velvet and Starjammer.”



SC276: She actually tried to do that on Rye earlier, only to find he had no mind to muddle.

ToonGuy: There’s actually just a very lazy hamster on a wheel in there.

CaptainPipsqueak: The practical upshot was that for fifteen minutes Rye could do quadratic equations. Then he completely forgot and threw away the doodles.



Rye Mash focused his gaze upon Princess Celestia. “That in and of itself is quite a threat to our existence, seeing as how much we depend upon Bloody Velvet.”



“I do not wish to threaten anypony,” Princess Celestia said in apologetic tones. “I just wish to have my student returned to me. It is very, very important.”



JofY: “She’s missing bingo night, after all.”

CaptainPipsqueak:” And only she knows where the pot is stashed.”

SC276: [Celestia] “Might I remind you that you’re still all my bitches and this is happening anyway?”



The alicorn mare let out a sigh and shook her head. “I had so hoped to resolve this without resorting to threats.”



“Majesty, you have failed.” Spyglass looked at Princess Celestia with his ears pinned back in a submissive posture. “You are an alicorn and a princess… by virtue of your very existence, everything you do is a threat, implied or direct.



JofY: [Celestia] “This chocolate is delicious!”

[???] “You want to attack us!?

CaptainPipsqueak: [Spyglass] “It was self-defence, officer; she drank tea at us with malicious intent!”

ToonGuy: “I swear, it was in her best interests that we killed her!”



You didn’t come here and board my vessels with the intent of leaving us be if you didn’t get what you wanted.



JofY: So, she should have just left murders be?

SC276: [Celestia] “Uh, duh? Have you been listening?”



You came here with a specific directive and you fully intend to have your way, with no care given to what we might want.



JofY: Do you want to help others?

ToonGuy: Well she actually did bother asking….so there’s that in her favor.

SC276: So basically, she’s being a railroading GM, we get it, move on already.



We have no real say in this matter… we either do as we are bid or this ends badly.” Spyglass’ nostrils flared. “Madam, that is the very definition of tyranny.”



JofY: No, this is just dictatorship. I mean, for it to qualify as tyranny, she would have be killing a puppy.

CaptainPipsqueak: And not one of those ugly yappy ones.

ToonGuy: It would also have to have really big anime eyes, so as to see the fear and pain when Celestia stabs it with her horn.

SC276: [Celestia] “No, it’s called ‘you being my bitch because I have all the mind control.’”



“Captain Spyglass… this will be very difficult for you to understand, but you are not the only one left with no options or choices here. I too, must obey the whims of circumstance. This is not about you or I, this goes far beyond either of us. What I am doing is preserving our shared future. There are forces at work that you could scarcely imagine.



JofY: Like strong, weak, electromagnetic, and gravity.

SC276: Also the fact she and their descendents shows up unharmed 200 years later in the first fic.

ToonGuy: Ah yes. Forces. The Dark Side’s less capable brother. The Dumb Side.



I am fighting to make sure that the sun keeps rising day after day and that life on this planet continues to exist. Whether you realise it or not, you and I are in a shared struggle… I am merely asking that you and I work together for our mutual survival.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Or people start getting arrested, and I’m pretty sure I can mind control someone to start sucking Rye’s dick to make sure nothing happens to me. Why do you keep pretending this is going to go any other way again?”



“So… one of two things are true,” Captain Spyglass said as his ears perked forwards. “I am being given a load of shite to ensure my cooperation or things really are as bad as you say and we’re all about to be neck deep in minotaur shite.”



CaptainPipsqueak: No shite, Sherlock.

ToonGuy: Bit slow on the uptake this one, isn’t he?



The pegasus cleared his throat. “I would like to believe that you are a good pony, good in the way that matters, and that you are trying to deal fairly with us, as much as an alicorn princess with near infinite cosmic power can deal with a few puny mortals in a fair manner.”



JofY: “Clearly you must be the dick in this situation!”

SC276: If she had near-infinite cosmic power, 1) she’d be imprisoned in a lamp, and 2) you’d all be mind-controlled now.



“Captain?” Rye Mash asked.



Spyglass glanced at his cabin colt and then back at Princess Celestia. “So let us assume that what you are saying is true and that you are not being a manipulative tyrant.



SC276: [Celestia] “You know any other way to GM?”

ToonGuy: MY GOD WE’RE STILL ON THIS.



What makes you think that we can help you? If we are fighting against a force of evil so great that it threatens you, but not just you, the entirety of life on this planet, what makes you think that we have any chance at all of dealing with it and getting your student back?”



SC276: Uh, I think you’re exaggerating there. I thought the threat of the planet was because she has to keep the sun moving. Also again, it’s called “Rye being the protagonist.”



“That is a very good question.”



JofY: “You get a gold star!”

CaptainPipsqueak: Here's your gold star.



Rye Mash, after having made his remark, took a long drink of tea and watched as Princess Celestia’s expression became thoughtful. The alicorn did not answer. Her face contorted a few times, her brows furrowed, and she seemed quite perplexed.



SC276: That’s our job, lady.

ToonGuy: Yeah! Quit stealing our thing! We called dibs!



Rye Mash suffered a stunning realisation. Princess Celestia, the Immortal Alicorn of the Sun, was still a pony.



SC276: Um… duh?

ToonGuy: He’s right of course. I thought she was a rabbit.



“If I may?” Mousy said, her voice squeaky with fear.



“By all means, say something,” Spyglass said, lifting his head and little higher and sounding a bit bolder after stumping Princess Celestia.



SC276: [Spyglass] “Lord knows something stupider couldn’t possibly happen.”

ToonGuy: [Celestia] “Oh you’d be medamn surprised!”



“It seems to me that Princess Celestia is choosing to ignore little things while focusing on bigger things that threaten our existence. The little trivial things are distractions that she is ignoring.” Mousy cleared her throat, licked her lips, and then her eyes darted around, looking at the different ponies around the table. “We’re little things. We’re teeny tiny things and we are easy to ignore because we don’t seem important. I’m used to being ignored… I’m an earth pony.



JofY: Okay, are we going to have to start a racisim counter?

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh, I’m pretty sure, yeah.

Fallen Prime: You’re about twenty-five chapters too late for one.



I’m not important or much of a threat to anypony. I’m so unimportant that I’m almost invisible.”



SC276: Have you seen Applejack kick?

ToonGuy: Have you seen Pinkie Pie exist?!

JofY: “In fact, I’m so unimportant, that I could walk through a hail of bullets and not get hit at all!”



Mousy fell silent, her expression becoming one of pain.



SC276: Did she con that off one of us?



“Miss Mousy, do continue,” Rye Mash said to the earth pony beside him.



“We won’t be noticed. We’re not important enough to notice.



JofY: What, the crew that the God of the Sun visited matter? NAH!



We’ll probably have a good chance at slipping in and getting back Princess Celestia’s student. They’ll be looking out for real threats, or focusing on events, or whatever it is that they do.



SC276: Isn’t Rye Mash known in the future for shooting someone’s crotch twice? All known instances of which are before now? Does Inky not count that as a “real threat?” Unless Rye kills Inky by shooting him in the crotch, which given how fucked up the author is I wouldn’t put it past him.



Just as Princess Celestia doesn’t have the means to examine every little detail of what goes on around her, neither does whomever we are going against.” Mousy ducked her head, her ears splaying out, and gave the ponies around the table a shy smile.



“That line of logic troubles me, but I can see the sense in it,”



JofY: ...Fine. There is logic in what he says.



Spyglass said, his words full of reluctance. The pegasus sighed and said nothing else.



CaptainPipsqueak: [Spyglass] “Yes, thank you for pointing out that we’re harmless nobodies. That’s a real blow to my manhood.”

SC276: ~Everything you know is wrong / Black is white, up is down, and short is long / And everything you ever thought / was just so important doesn’t matter...~



“The wisdom of earth ponies never ceases to amaze me.”



JofY: She’s being progressive! *pulls out a pitchfork* Get her!



Princess Celestia, now focused on Mousy, appeared to be studying the earth pony mare. “Now that we have reached an understanding, perhaps we can continue to discuss this issue free of threats and coercion.”



Spyglass nodded. “I’ll agree to do this, but I have conditions… first and foremost, I must look after my crew and there is something I want from you…”



CaptainPpsqueak: [Spyglass] “Sex. Lots and lots of it.”

ToonGuy: “Also, protection. A lot of it. Because by god, when we go-”



Chapter 26



SC276: Something I want to get out now before we start the next chapter: this whole “princess showing up” thing seems like it’s going to be the start of the main plot. I’m not sure where my gut got the info, but it’s telling me that. Now that the full party has been assembled, we’re just now getting into the main conflict that the story is based around. Basically, the last twenty-five chapters were effectively one giant-ass prologue. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was what Kudzu was planning originally before the riff took off.



Feeling troubled, Rye Mash reflected upon his meeting with Princess Celestia. There was a lot she wasn’t telling them.



JofY: ‘There had to be something on his lip.’



Something big was going on, that much was clear, but the details of whatever it was were unclear.



SC276: Her student has been kidnapped by a villain. How is that not enough detail?!



Rye suspected that the gold that had been aboard The Apogee had something to do with it, along with the ciphers they had found. He wondered if the Broker knew more.



SC276: Of course the overthrow the princess stuff is connected to the kidnapping.



Captain Spyglass, being a good captain that cared for his crew, secured pardons for each one of his crewmembers by name, a binding document with legal powers. As for Rye Mash himself, he, along with several others, had privateer contracts—Rye could not see any real difference between pirates and privateers, but Captain Spyglass assured him there was a great deal of difference.



SC276: Also, the author has forgotten that in his story, the main characters don’t consider themselves “pirates.”

JofY: Well, that doesn’t mean the law will agree.



There was also the matter of the up front payment, aside from all of the pardons, legal documents, and other kind gestures; Princess Celestia had given Rye a sword.



SC276: Never bring a sword to a gunfight.

JofY: But what if he has to go into a swordfight?

CaptainPipsqueak; Then he brings the gun.

JofY: But you don’t bring a gun to a swordfight.

CaptainPipsqueak: And those sort of thoughts get people like you killed.

JofY: I’m guessing you don’t watch much anime.



The sword, a hanger, looked like a cutlass or a sabre that a griffon, a minotaur, or perhaps a diamond dog might favour. Rye, not magically well off, saw the hanger as a practical gift and was wearing it now as he paced the deck, thinking about everything.



SC276: And… why couldn’t that just be a cutlass again?

JofY: Because katanas are cool and edgy!



The sword had a blazing sun engraved on the pommel and was a beautiful weapon.



JofY: Also, if he was ever at full health, it would shoot out laser beams.

CaptainPipsqueak: The sword may be beautiful, Rye, but don’t consider fucking it.



Rye knew nothing about swords, but he knew it would be useful.



SC276: It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.



Just another tool for the job. It was quiet, something that a gun wasn’t.



SC276: Except the victim screams longer for the most part, I think.

CaptainPipsqueak: Yeah, but the weapon isn’t making the noise, so that’s okay.



Hearing hoofsteps, he turned and saw Bloody Velvet. She was standing on deck, looking at Princess Celestia’s airship, which was moored nearby. Velvet looked afraid, she was shaking, very much so,



SC276: And that’s different from what she was doing before, how now?



and her ears were pinned back against her skull in a fearful, submissive manner.



CaptainPipsqueak: Ow. Well, at least nobody used staples.



“Are you going to be okay?” Rye asked.



SC276: No, we will not.



“I think so,” Velvet replied, her voice was difficult to hear over the wind and the sounds of the ships whisper.



JofY: [Rye] “...WHAT?”



“She scares me… I wish she would go away. I wish we weren’t helping her… why us, Rye?”



SC276: You’re the one with the probability crunchers, robot girl. You tell us.



“We’re able bodied and capable.”



CatainPipsqueak: Pfffft... Oh God; he’s serious, isn’t he?



Rye moved towards Velvet, feeling bad for her, but not knowing how to comfort her. The source of all of Velvet’s fears was but a short distance away.



“I can still feel her in my mind… I want my privacy back,” Velvet said to Rye.



SC276: And then Velvet was the entire U.S. grassroots movement.

CaptainPipsqueak: [Velvet] “I don’t want to risk her seeing the dream about the Diamond Dogs, the handcuffs and the ball-gag…”

ToonGuy: Sad thing is I could actually see the story going in this direction.

CaptainPipsqueak: Oh, don’t be coy; you’re waiting for it to happen.



She turned and looked at her unicorn companion. “Rye, I’m so sorry that I stay stuck inside your head.



JofY: “The surgery is just too expensive!”



I wish I could give you the privacy you deserve.



JofY: Then leave.



Having… her inside of my head always drives that point home and makes me hate the power I have.”



SC276: [Velvet] “MY FIREWALL CANNOT BE UPDATED TO PATCH THE SECURITY HOLE SHE USED TO BREACH MY SYSTEM. SELF-DIAGNOSTICS WILL NOT TELL ME WHY.”

CaptainPipsqueak: Looks like you’re gonna have to wipe your hard drive and start over.



“Don’t worry about it.” Rye, hoping his gesture would not be seen the wrong way, bumped up against Velvet, trying to be friendly. “How is Starjammer?”



“He has drank himself into a stupour. He’s out cold. She really messed him up.”



SC276: [Velvet] “APPARENTLY HACKING METAL UNICORNS AND FLESH UNICORNS ARE VERY SIMILAR PROCESSES.”

JofY: Wait, what!? You weren’t joking about the robot part!?

SC276: If you haven’t read The Fumble, I don’t know what to tell you besides “read The bloody Fumble.”

JofY: You mean the story that is written by multiple people here?

SC276: Yes, and unlike reading this, you won’t regret every choice you ever made that could possibly lead to reading it after five minutes.

JofY: Oh, you made an insta-regret fic?



Bloody Velvet leaned up against Rye, her muscles quivering, her ears twitching, and her eyelids were blinking out of sync.



JofY: She exploded. Right there and then.



Velvet, not a pony given to many moments of affection, rested her head against Rye’s neck and she felt the pommels of several pistols pressing into her ribs.



For some reason, it was comforting to be next to Rye.



SC276: Even the author can’t explain how.



He smelled of oil, of leather, of gunpowder, of steel, and the nose tickling scent of tea.



JofY: The nose then sued for sexual harassment.



For Velvet, it was nice to drop her guard and allow herself to feel vulnerable for a moment.



JofY: She was then stabbed by Rye 36 times.



Rye had proven himself to be trustworthy, he was a gentlepony.



JofY: [Rye] “Hey everyone! Velvet has insecurities! Ain’t that hilarious!?”



Velvet closed her eyes, she trembled, and continued to lean against Rye.



SC276: Needs more pronouns.



“We’re supposed to meet again with Princess Celestia tomorrow. Captain Spyglass has asked me to be there… I can’t do it, Rye… what do I do?” Velvet opened her eyes and watched a wing of pegasi circle around Princess Celestia’s airship.



CaptainPipsqueak: The rest of the pegasi’s bodies were never found.



“Just be honest, tell him you can’t, and hope that he understands,” Rye replied.



SC276: I mean, you could provide reasons too, but let’s stick to the plan that won’t work.



He felt his insides squirming, this might have been the most uncomfortable moment of his life. Velvet, the tough as nails take no shite from nopony hardarse, was acting like a mare.



CaptainPipsqueak: Might have something to do with the fact that she is one, but don’t let me interrupt your internal thoughts.

ToonGuy: Mares are irrational, silly creatures who are over emotional. Rye Mash’s belief.

SC276: That’s sexist. *ding*



Not that mares were weak, Velvet was proof of that, but she was acting weird and Rye could think of no other way of putting it.



CaptainPipsqueak: Have you ever considered that it might be her ‘time of the month’?

ToonGuy: Or maybe that perhaps….having emotions aren’t bad things.

SC276: Or, y’know, she doesn’t want to be in the same room as the pony that freakin’ mind-controlled her. Why ya gotta overcomplicate things?

JofY: No! Clearly she’s pregnant! She couldn’t possibly have legitimate emotions!



Too late, he realised that Velvet knew what he was thinking.



SC276: That’d require you to think in the first place.



He tried to empty out his brain and focused on just trying to be a good friend and not thinking about anything at all.



SC276: That should come naturally to you.



“Thank you, Rye, for being a good friend.



SC276: [Velvet] “YOUR FRIENDSHIP METRIC IS ABOVE AVERAGE BY 0.0001%.”



I think I am going to go below decks and lay down for a while. I have a headache coming on.”



SC276: Not tonight, I have a headache.



Velvet wobbled on her legs for a moment as she pulled herself away from Rye and found her balance.



JofY: It was under the sofa the entire time.



“I hope you get to feeling better.” Rye watched as Velvet stumbled away, wondering what he was going to do with himself. He felt worried, anxious, and out of sorts.



SC276: Sounds like me after this last semester of college, only he has guns while I have Minecraft.



He glanced over at Princess Celestia’s airship, then glanced at the town of Sable Blanc.



Rye had an idea. Rye, being young and stupid,



ToonGuy: Should go without saying, but emphasis on the stupid.

SC276: Finally, he admits it!



had the sort of idea that comes with youth. He decided to kick up his heels, he could do with a bit of celebration.



JofY: (in a Victorian get-up) Uck! How uncuff!



He was young, he was free, he had a piece of paper that was supposed to keep him from being hung by his neck until dead.



JofY: So, they can still use the electric chair?



Life, it seemed, was good.



SC276: Cue the screams of the 4chan guys that played Magia Revolution.



Alone, Rye Mash prowled Sable Blanc. No one else was in the mood to do anything. Skeeter wanted nothing more than to lay down and get more sleep. Velvet had a headache.



CaptainPipsqueak: Oh sure. That’s what they always say.



Starjammer had secreted himself away and was no doubt pickled.



ToonGuy: Doesn’t that usually happen after death? Not that I’d know.

JofY: Depends how one dies.



Even Mousy had refused him, deciding to spend time with Woe Betide. Oola was with the captain, doing whatever it was that kangaroos did when in the company of captains.



CaptainPipsqueak: Hurrhurrhurr...

ToonGuy: Let’s just say that Oola was bouncing for a different reason.



With Princess Celestia in town, the atmosphere of Sable Blanc could only be described as subdued.



CaptainPipsqueak: If they stay quiet, she only kills a few.

ToonGuy: And if they’re lucky, the really shit ones.

SC276: Considering the usual operation of the town’s law enforcement, I would’ve expected tension to go up.



Extra Regulators patrolled the streets, preventing any and all forms of trouble.



SC276: Unsuccessfully, given the presence of the protagonist.

ToonGuy: But they’re like, basic mooks class 3, you have to give them some leeway on account of the magical protagonist powers.



Surprising himself, Rye Mash had left his weapons aboard The Apogee, tucked away in his cabin. He was out to have a nice time, not kill someone.



SC276: Sometimes, those are the same thing. Usually when Topher’s around.



Sable Blanc was supposed to be safe, and Rye wanted to have fun, let go, and kick up his heels.



SC276: Fairly sure ponies don’t have heels.

ToonGuy: Rye’s career as a Las Pegasus chorus girl never really caught on.



Craning his head, Rye looked up at the sign above him.



JofY: [Sign] “Look up to read.”



A light shone upon it, it was large, made of wood, and painted. It showed a pony being romantic with a wheel of cheese.



JofY: Oh, come on! Are you trying to milk reactions from us?



Just looking at it made Rye blush, the sign spared no detail.



CaptainPipsqueak: Well, swiss cheese has all those holes, why not take advantage, right?

SC276: Even in this no-violence town, there’s still open sex! Let me guess, the pony is a foal too?



At the bottom of the sign in bright red letters were the words “Fromage Frottant.”



Rye had no idea what the words meant, but he guessed that it was something vulgar in Fancy.



SC276: According to Google Translate, that means “rubbing cheese” in French. OK, first of all, tavern names are nouns, not verb phrases...



He stared upwards, open mouthed, his eyes wide.



ToonGuy: Our HERO!



The more he looked at it, the funnier he felt. Something about the painting was erotic, but Rye couldn’t put his hoof on what it was.



JofY: Perhaps it was the giant dick in it.



He hoped that he wasn’t becoming attracted to cheese.



SC276: Please, that’d be mild compared to the gouda you’ll be doing for cheddar soon enough.



Pushing open the door, Rye was blasted with a wave of heat and sound. The inside of the public house was sweltering, full of hot bodies all crammed in.



ToonGuy: Not cause the sex was good mind, they were all just crammed in like cattle.

SC276: I suppose animal rights weren’t all that “in” back then.



The smell of food cooking, sweaty bodies, and beer filled Rye’s nose. On stage, a mare and a stallion were singing a duet in Fancy, and Rye had no idea what was being sung. The mare kept singing the words “amour écolière” while the stallion sang an unknown chorus.



SC276: You’re not the only one that can Google Translate, author! …”Schoolgirl love,” for fuck’s sake, that’s Japan.

JofY: You’re not even using it to make a pun!



Rye found himself swept inside.



ToonGuy: That was a odd phase in the seedy business when the bouncers used brooms.



An out of tune piano kept pace with the singers, along with an accordion, a horn, and some sort of stringed instrument that Rye did not recognise. The music seemed strange, exotic, yet also somehow familiar.



JofY: Perhaps it was the giant dick in it.

SC276: It was recognizable and unrecognizable at the same time.



The flow of bodies was like an ocean current



ToonGuy: Salty, wet and probably with a bit of pee in it?

CaptainPipsqueak: Fishy?



—Rye found himself swept along, moving with the current, not trying to fight it.



SC276: Gheeze, unable to vary your metaphoric phrases much?



He found himself near an empty table and broke free from the moving, swaying, dancing bodies. The table, small, suitable for one or as a romantic table for two, had no chair, it was just a low table to keep one’s food and drink up off of the floor.



Sitting alone at his table,



SC276: Without a chair?



Rye looked at the crowd of revelers.



JofY: Those darn naked ponies! Being naked like every other pony is… The perverts!

ToonGuy: Going from that, is the pony equivalent of nudists someone wears clothes?

SC276: Which would shed an interesting light on Rarity’s business…

CaptainPipsqueak: I always knew she was a clothing whorse.



Many of the ponies were his age. Young mares, young stallions, he found his eye lingering over both. Some were handsome, some were pretty, both were worth looking at.



SC276: Congratulations, you’re freakin’ bi.



Rye could not help but feel a little lonesome in this situation. The couples were dancing, necking,



JofY: Necking? What’s that?



swaying and moving with the music in such a way that suggested that there would be other kinds of dancing later.



JofY: The chicken dance?

CaptainPipsqueak: Line dancing?

Fallen Prime: The whip and/or nae nae?



The air was thick with both romance and lust, some couples having both, some couples having one but not the other.



SC276: I’d probably be more impressed if I gave a shit about anything in this fic.



“What’ll ya be having?” an older looking unicorn stared at Rye, a faint smirk upon her face.



ToonGuy: Oh don’t get him started.



“To start with, what smells so good… spicy—”



“Fried potatoes with creamy pepper gravy,” the mare replied before Rye even had a chance to finish. “The house special. What’ll ya be washing it down with?”



SC276: A fire hose.



“Wine,” Rye replied, feeling sophisticated and grown up. “I mean, that is the local drink, correct?” He looked at the waitress, hoping he didn’t appear stupid or immature.



SC276: Too late.



She was still smirking at him and something about her smirk made him want to squirm.



“I can bring you a lovely bottle or red or white, your pick.”



“Red.” Rye licked his lips, the smell was driving him crazy.



JofY: Unfortunately for Rye, he was instead going, cray cray.



Not just the smell of food, something else was in the air, something that gave him electric tingles in his nose.



JofY: Perhaps it was the Tesla Coil.



His throat felt dry and he felt thirsty in a weird way.



SC276: Place your bets now. $25 say he’s going to get wasted and end up banging someone. Another $50 says that someone is the princess, it’s just begging to happen.

ToonGuy: I’ll take the twenty five dollars!



“We also have some well aged Clan Pickled whiskey… single malt.” The smirking mare gave Rye a wry grin. “With each passing minute we have less and less. Would you care to try some?”



“Yes, that would be wonderful,” Rye replied.



“Shall I bring you a bottle or a glass?” the serving mare asked.



“Um, a bottle…” Rye wasn’t certain just how one ordered whiskey.



SC276: What’s the bottle made out of then, plastic?

ToonGuy: Actually of a fine dainty china. Don’t want to give the wrong idea of this place that’s apparently French but is named after something Japanese.

CaptainPipsqueak: Ask about their Escargo D’Geisha: Snails wearing tiny kimonos.



“Spicy potatoes with creamy pepper gravy, a bottle of wine, and a bottle of whiskey.



SC276: ...and a heart attack on the side. Or Noah’s boy on a raft, I don’t even know.

CaptainPipsqueak: Hey, if you’re going to get fucked up, you might as well pull out all the stops.



Anything else?”



JofY: “Yes, a better weighter.”



The mare’s tail flicked around a bit as she stood waiting, still smirking, her expression one of near laughter.



SC276: I’m waiting for her to start shooting out Joker Gas.

ToonGuy: To be fair though, even he’d go for something that’s entertainingly bad.



“That’ll do, I think, at least for now. I might have more to drink later.” Rye Mash felt a little uncomfortable, but dismissed it. “Thank you, by the way.”



“Oh, you’re welcome.”



Hearing the mare’s reply, Rye was unable to tell if she was being sarcastic.



SC276: Much like his author.



The potatoes were fried in such a way that they were crispy, chewy even, on the outside and soft on the inside.



CaptainPipsqueak: Yyyyyes? That’s generally how fried potatoes are done.



They came in a large wooden bowl, smothered in white, creamy gravy that was dusted with pepper. No spoon had been brought to the table, just the blue wooden bowl filled with crispy fried potatoes and gravy.



SC276: The “house special” sounds more like an appetizer or side than a proper meal.

CaptainPipsqueak: How many mistakes has Kudzu made already?



The wine was somewhat bitter at first, but with each swallow, the wine grew sweeter.



SC276: I’ve never understood alcohol...



Rye found that he liked it a great deal. The bottle of whiskey sat in the middle of the table, it was a little bit smaller, just a tiny bit shorter than the bottle of wine. As he took a drink from the bottle, the sounds of enthusiastic lovemaking filled his now perking ears. He heard grunting, panting, little whimpers, all of which grew with intensity.



SC276: Oh dear god, he’s getting high instead of drunk...

ToonGuy: The lucky sod! I’ve been drinking this entire chapter and I haven’t got the whiff of anything that could make this bearable.



Some of the patrons were hooting, some cheering, and still others were stomping their hooves.



JofY: The game was on.



The sound from the lusty couple was coming from out of a back room, some place out of sight.



SC276: Talk about your wretched hive of scum and villainy.



After setting down his wine bottle, Rye buried his muzzle once more into his food and began eating, trying to keep his face from getting too messy.



SC276: Dude, you drank on an empty stomach? Does this guy have any survival instincts whatsoever?



It was difficult to eat with the sounds of two ponies rutting, but Rye supposed that it was part of the local charm.



JofY: Besides, it was over quickly.

ToonGuy: Much like the tolerance for this story!



The regulars seemed to be enjoying it a great deal and the two singers, who looked damp and sweaty, were taking a break.



SC276: If you need the sounds of sex in another room in order to get your jollies, I suggest you stop lying to your spouse about still having a job.

ToonGuy: That or become a swinger. I’m just saying.



Enjoying himself a great deal, Rye gobbled down his potatoes.



The wine was so fantastic that Rye ordered another bottle.



SC276: “ANOTHER DOUGHNUT! Extra sprinkles!”



He could always take the whiskey back to the ship with him.



JofY: Rye x Whiskey



He felt relaxed now, happy, it didn’t bother him in the slightest that two stallions were now going at it with great vigour in the hidden room.



SC276: I don’t want to know how you could tell.

CaptainPipsqueak: I just plain don’t want to be here.

ToonGuy: Yeah, this is one part of the Gaydar I’m glad that most people don’t have. He may be able to eat his delicious potatoes to that, but I would have reservations….not just about two men, any couple having sex.



Grinning from ear to ear, Rye tipped back his second bottle of wine and took a long drink. He smacked his lips, belched, then licked the wine and flecks of leftover gravy from his lips. He had licked his bowl so clean that the kitchen could could have just put it back on the shelf.



SC276: Given the rest of this world, they probably would.



He felt hot, too hot, the room was still sweltering, but for some reason, now, the heat did not bother him. He was sweating, he was soaked, he could feel the sweat running down his body, but for whatever reason, he had stopped caring about being too warm. He felt wonderful.



SC276: It’s called “apathy.” We’re quite versed in it.



The singing duet were crooning to one another, he kept hearing the word “bouc” and “ménage à trois.” He was dead certain that the song was dirty, but he had no idea what was being said.



SC276: And I don’t care to look it up.



He was a stranger in a strange land that had delicious wine, spicy potatoes, peppery gravy, and smirking waitresses that somehow showed up at the exact moment they were needed.



SC276: I’m willing to chalk that up to narrative convenience, what about the rest of you?

ToonGuy: Maybe it’s just Discord, screwing with him.



After finishing off his wine, Rye Mash came to a worrisome conclusion.



CaptainPipsqueak: It was terrible wine and he’d paid far too much for it.



His table was a lonesome place. His friends, his companions, those he cared about, were stowed away in their cabins. They were miserable and afraid.



ToonGuy: Just how he liked them!

CaptainPipsqueak: ...of him, granted, but still...



He wanted them to be happy, just like he was feeling happy right now. He was so happy that he felt lightheaded. It felt like something fuzzy was in his ears.



SC276: He pulled it out, and realized in that moment it was a device that let the author do whatever he wanted with him.



He could feel the warm rush of blood in his own neck. He felt alive, very much so.



SC276: Meanwhile, pretty sure we’re feeling dead.

JofY: CLEAR! *uses a defibrillator on the nearest riffer*

ToonGuy: GAH! *jumps up* I SAW A LIGHT.



He was feeling generous. His friends needed a pick-me-up.



SC276: So he put-them-down.



Almost as if by magic, the smirking waitress was there.



JofY: It’s like she walked!



Rye blinked a few times, surprised to see her. Unicorns… they had impressive magical powers.



JofY: Huh. And here I was thinking that the Earth Ponies were the ones with magical powers.



Even waitresses!



JofY: But it’s not like he was one of them...



He stared at her for a moment, she had used her magic to make herself a whole lot younger and a whole lot prettier.



SC276: Maybe if she made the wine...



Wow! She was good looking.



JofY: Ah, I can see how with the fact that she… uh… looks young?



She didn’t look much older than he was. Rye licked his lips and wondered for a brief moment if the waitress wanted to disappear into the secret room with him.



He paused, remembering his friends.



JofY: This took him, some time.



As much as he wanted to get to know the waitress a little better, he had his friends to think about.



JofY: Maybe, if his friends got to know the waitress...



He had a mission. He had to make them feel better.



SC276: Which he did by… leaving them behind. I don’t think you thought your cunning plan all the way through.



They needed to feel happy just like he did.



JofY: They needed to try this new ‘ex-ta-sy’ thing.



He grinned at the pretty waitress who was now somehow his own age.



“Hi.” Rye leaned forward, his barrel pressing against his table.



JofY: [Rye] “Alright, I want 1,000,000 bits or the table gets it!”



“I has some ship back on my friends.”



JofY: Has you?



Rye stopped for a moment and thought about his own words.



JofY: It started a chain reaction leading him to realize what was wrong with his life.

ToonGuy: Took him at least three hours.



Something didn’t seem right, but after spending a few seconds thinking about what he had said, everything had seemed okay, he couldn’t find fault with what had been spoken.



SC276: This is the most logical being drunk I have ever seen.

ToonGuy: By this point, I’ve usually eloped with a bush and urinated in a fountain. Clearly he has a secret to not getting piss faced.



“I bet you do,” the smirking waitress replied.



“I want to make my friends happy… I need more wine… so I can take it home to them.



JofY: After all, they need some wine to go with their cheese.



Maybe a few bottles of whiskey too… I have a lot of friends and there is a big kangaroo.”



“Sure there is,” the smirking waitress said to Rye.



“No, really, there is a kangaroo and she’s a boxer.



SC276: [waitress] “That’s not the part I was doubting, kid.”



Her name is Oola and she’s vulgar.



JofY: [Waitress] “So, she’s russian?”

CaptainPipsqueak: [Rye]: “No, I’ve never seen her run.”



I like her… anyhow, I need some wine and some whiskey to take home with me.” Rye wished the waitress would stop doing magic—for a moment, he had seen two of her.



SC276: Are all drunkards this freakin’ stupid?

JofY: I don’t know. Let’s test it!



One good looking young mare was tempting, but seeing two of them was causing Rye a bit of a problem. Two good looking young mares were better than one.



JofY: And good things are bad...



She was trying to seduce him with magic and Rye knew that he needed to go.



“Sure thing, I’ll get you a small cask of wine to take with you and a small cask of whiskey.



SC276: How about throwing in a cask of amontillado for good measure?

ToonGuy: Or a cask of arsenic.



You have enough coin?” The waitress’ smirk vanished and she gave Rye a hard look.



It was difficult to do magic,



JofY: As evidenced when he had to lift several objects before.



but Rye pulled out his coin purse from a leather pouch attached to his body harness. He opened it and began tossing out bright silver and gold coins. After several thumped down on the table, he saw the waitress nod.



“That’ll be enough. You just sit tight and I’ll bring you some wine and some whiskey for you to take back to your kangaroo.” The waitress’ smirk returned and she gave Rye a saucy wink. “Try not to get into trouble,



SC276: Too late.



hurry back to your ship, and be careful. The Regulators don’t take kindly to drunken troublemakers. Drunks are fine, but if you cause trouble, they’ll flog you while you are hungover.”



JofY: They can’t do anything when you aren’t drunk and causing trouble, though.

ToonGuy: “It’s kind of a massive bloody loophole!”



“Oh, that sounds very bad,” Rye replied. “Thank you… I’ll be careful, I promise…”



SC276: [Rye Mash] “I will totally fail you now!”



Chapter 27



SC276: Well… last chapter of the week. This is where the real stupidity is supposed to happen, I believe, or at least start happening. Let’s see…

ToonGuy: You mean all of that was just a prelude?!



The first thing that Rye Mash became aware of was the throbbing, pulsating, hammer blows inside of his own head.



JofY: DJ Orgy in Rye’s head!

SC276: WHY, THOR, THE GOD OF THUNDER, IS TRYING TO ENTER MY BUILDING!



Each throb caused his whole body to tense, his muscles jerking and twitching as the excruciating pain had its way with him.



SC276: Little too kinky there.



As his body made feeble twitches and kicks, he became aware of other far more curious sensations,



JofY: Like the fact that he was on fire.

ToonGuy: And the reality that his crotch was being eaten by ants.



such as the fact that there were other ponies in the bed with him.



SC276: The Hangover, Part Four: Pony Edition.



His stomach clenched at this realisation and he fought back a rising swell of nausea that threatened to overcome him.



JofY: Nausea, orgasm, same to us really.



There was a smell in the air, something foul, and it did not help his nausea in the slightest.



JofY: It was the scent of MURDER!



Parts of him felt dry, but crusty, while other parts of him felt quite slimey.



JofY: It’s gak!



The bed he was lying in was wet and as he squirmed, something squelched.



SC276: Well I feel like throwing up now.



Opening his eyes was a terrible mistake and Rye regretted it right away.



SC276: Much like how we regret reading this.

ToonGuy: Ohhhhhh so much.



He squeezed his eyes shut, his eyes trying to make tears but he was far too dehydrated.



SC276: Is it true the best cure for a hangover is clean water? Because with how much water I’ve been drinking lately, it would explain why the pain is still going.



Rye whimpered as stabbing pains coursed up and down the whole of his body.



JofY: Is that what sex feels like!?

ToonGuy: Yeah, dodged a bullet on that one.



At this moment, he wanted to die.



CaptainPipsqeak: Don’t let us stop you, big guy.



He also wanted to know who was in the bed with him. He tried to recall what had happened last night.



JofY: All he could remember was the sexy cheese.



He had went out and had a nice dinner after the sun had gone down—he had a vague memory of fried potatoes and gravy.



JofY: Show me on this doll where the potatoes touched you.



He had a very hazy memory of bringing back some wine and some whiskey, and that was it.



SC276: If we’re having this, why bother with the whole bar scene in the first place?

JofY: Padding!



There was nothing else, nothing at all, and Rye very much wanted to panic, but the throbbing inside of his head prevented him from doing anything at all.



SC276: Except for this long internal narrative, apparently.



Opening one eye, Rye peeped out, angled his head, and looked over to his left, where something heavy and solid was half draped over him and crushing him into the bed.



JofY: A piston.

SC276: A sticky piston.



He saw black, a black so black that it looked blue.



JofY: Because colors work like that.



Rye sighed. That would be Mousy.



ToonGuy: Wait….isn’t she the-

JofY: *gasps* ...Which one is Mousy?

SC276: We call her Smooth Talk. She has a black coat? First I’ve heard of it. Also, she’s underage, but then again, apparently kids around this world are always expecting to be fucked, so…

ToonGuy: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYTHING!?!?!?



He could feel her deep, steady breathing, the feeling of her ribs against him, and her warm breath blowing against him. Whimpering, he closed his eye, already not liking this situation.



SC276: We not-liked it earlier than you!

ToonGuy: I called dibs on not liking it!



He turned his head and opened his other eye, just enough to have a peek.



He saw a snow white muzzle sticking up on his right.



JofY: Yay! It’s snowing muzzles!

ToonGuy: HALLELUJAH.



A few strands of silvery blonde mane were plastered to the white muzzle, which was open and had an orange tongue sticking out.



SC276: Prince Blueblood?



Rye Mash wanted to scream, but his own strong sense of self preservation prevented him from doing so. Such an act would surely cause his head to explode in a most violent fashion.



JofY: Cool.

SC276: Is this supposed to be Velvet? I’d like to know now.

JofY: Oh, who needs knowledge, when we have sex!

SC276: That’s exactly Kudzu’s line of thinking, so forgive me if I want an alternative.



He needed to get out of the bed without disturbing his companions somehow.



JofY: Clearly shooting something will help.



There was a piercing pain in his guts and he knew he needed something to drink.



JofY: Because alcohol will fix this!



Rye would, without question, shoot a pony for a cold drink right about now.



JofY: When wouldn’t he?



He smacked his lips as he thought about cold, cool, refreshing orange juice and how nice it would be going down his throat, slaking his thirst, making the painful dryness in his mouth go away.



SC276: And then your brother drinks the entire jug down in two days, every single time…

JofY: It’s not like he ever buys another though. Always leaving just enough, so that you have the ‘last cup’ and blames everything on you.



As he wiggled, he felt Mousy rub up against him. She was straddling his leg, he could feel the moist heat of her feminine places pressing up against his thigh.



JofY: Her uvula?



She was slick, slimey even, and he could feel her sticking to his pelt.



JofY: It would take forever to wash off.

SC276: Out, damned spot!



He had no idea what sort of disgusting puddle he was laying in, but he had sneaking suspicions as to what it might be.



JofY: Old Man Jenkins!



His skin crawled with revulsion.



SC276: Ours has been doing that pretty much every time we’ve read any of this.



His whole body felt soaked and dried out at the same time.



JofY: He should really start using his moisturiser.



He was sweating, he could feel it, his mane was damp and plastered to his head.



Much to Rye’s mortification, he realised that Starjammer was also pressed up against him.



SC276: Wait, I think Velvet has an orange coat, which I remember because orange is my color. So he got it on with Starjammer and Mousy. Which… really really doesn’t surprise me at this point.

ToonGuy: Can we just agree that whoever has slept with him should just pretend like it NEVER happened?



He could feel something against his side.



JofY: A gun?

ToonGuy: Ah good, that assassin I paid is finally doing his job.

JofY: ...Did you hire an assassin to fuck him?

Rye Mash gritted his teeth. Starjammer felt as though he was about half mast or so, and Rye’s movement had caused parts of Starjammer’s anatomy to come to life.



SC276: [Dr. Frankenstein] “IT’S ALIVE!”



“‘Ello, love,” Mousy said, her voice a dry, raspy whisper.



“What happened?” Rye asked, the sound of his own voice causing his head to ring like a bell. His whole body tensed and he felt his bowels clenching as he almost vomited.



“You don’t remember?”



JofY: [Mousy] “You were the one wearing the leather.”



Mousy’s voice was squeaky and a bit shrill, much to Rye’s dismay.



“No.” Rye Mash closed his eyes and kept them squeezed shut. Perhaps he was dreaming and when he woke up, this nightmare would be over and everything would be okay again.



JofY: Oh, come on.

SC276: Please, even Kudzu’s not that stupid.



“No, I don’t remember anything at all.”



“Hush, sleep now.” Starjammer mumbled out the words and then lapsed back into snoring as he wrapped a foreleg over Rye and Mousy.



“I need to get up, I’m gonna be sick!” Rye shouted in warning,



SC276: Being in this fic will do that to you.



which caused his head to explode with pain.



JofY: Oh… Oh god… It’s everywhere.

ToonGuy: And we’re not even talking about the head juice! …..Cheap joke, I know.



It also caused both of his companions to wake up and fly out of the bed, giving him plenty of room.



Rye however, failed to get out of the bed. He fell over the side, stumbled, unable to get to his legs, hit the floor, smashing his snoot into the wood, and then puked as the pain became too much to bear.



JofY: Good job Rye. Good job.

ToonGuy: Smooth as all shit. See why all genders want to have him buried in them.

CaptainPipsqueak: Most people’d just puke; he makes it entertaining.



Seeing stars, Rye continued to barf up his own intestines, at least it sure felt that way, all over the floor as his companions watched in disgust.



SC276: Not just them.

ToonGuy: So to clarify, at NO point during this supposedly massive sex scene did he throw up. Not once?! Considering that he seems to have swallowed as much alcohol to sink a small battleship, I’m surprised he wasn’t hurling chunks all over his ‘lovers’.



Still damp, Rye Mash huddled on a cushion, fighting back waves of nausea.



JofY: Changing scenes that quickly will do that to you.



He had showered, which did nothing to make him feel better, but at least he was clean.



ToonGuy: On the outside maybe, but I’d never have a clean soul again if this was me.



Bloody Velvet had brought him a glass of orange juice, a cup of tea, and a few slices of dry toast on a saucer.



Mousy, sitting beside Rye, kept squirming, shifting her body around, her tail swishing from side to side. She had showered as well and upon exiting the washroom, had been spritzed with perfume by Bloody Velvet, who was trotting around and snickering.



SC276: Yes, three of your compatriots are in various states of unpresentable, including the one that’s incidental to the future of the story. That’s just fucking hilarious.

ToonGuy: Also, one of those compatriots is SUPPOSEDLY underage THIS IS NOT COOL.



Starjammer was sitting on a small sofa, looking very pleased with himself while nursing a cup of tea.



JofY: Making sure that the tea got its IVs.



He was quiet, smiling, and his eyes were focused upon Rye, who was little more than a miserable lump.



SC276: Finally, he admits it!



“My arse is sore,” Mousy muttered.



SC276: Now you’re feeling the author’s ass-shoving?



Fearful, Rye looked up, worried that he had something to do with that.



JofY: Why? By the way they’re acting, it was some form of consensual, or at the very least, they understand the situation.

ToonGuy: Although, let’s ignore the slight….issues, in a understatement, of having someone technically underage involved in this….also, at this point, I’d be moving out of the reach of anyone I encountered if I was that drunk.



“Why is your arse sore?” Rye’s words were little more than a whisper, he still didn’t know what had gone on, and something about how Bloody Velvet kept snickering filled him with dread.



“Where do we even begin?” Mousy blinked a few times, looked at Starjammer, then back at Rye. “Rye Mash, you buggered my arsehole.”



SC276: What is with this author and anal? She’s a female, she has a vagina, and it’s a bigger freakin’ target.

JofY: Oh, come on SC276. There’s no need to be so anal about it. I don’t care how much of an ass I sound like, but it needs to be said.

ToonGuy: …….The sad thing is that I would usually find those comments hysterical if I wasn’t so in horror at what images are in my head right now.

CaptainPipsqueak: *whines*



Shaking, Rye let out a gibbering, wordless whine as Bloody Velvet’s shrill laughter echoed through the room, spilling out of the galley.



SC276: Why is she even laughing?! It’s not even funny!



He closed his eyes and felt like throwing up again.



“It’s my fault, I told you to do it,” Mousy said.



SC276: Right, because he listens to orders.



“Why?” It was the only word that Rye could muster.



JofY: I’d settle for how, since I’m unsure about the amount of lube.

ToonGuy: Ohhhh, that’s never coming out of my mind.



It came out as little more than a gasp and Rye felt his stomach lurch.



JofY: It’s trying to escape!



Trembling, he struggled to lift up his glass of orange juice.



JofY: Showing off his usual skill with magic.



He needed something to wet his parched throat.



SC276: And I’m assuming more cum’s not gonna do it.



“Well, it looked like fun… you had just got done buggering Starjammer and he looked like he enjoyed it a great deal.”



SC276: OK, everyone who thought he wouldn’t have drunk sex earlier, pay up now.

ToonGuy: I should feel satisfied that I didn’t lose my money. I instead feel as though I have lost something far more important. ...Wonder if drinking will get me out of this.



Mousy paused while Starjammer began laughing, a low, sophisticated sounding chuckle. “We were celebrating.”



“Celebrating?” Rye almost dropped his orange juice. “Celebrating what? Getting the job? Becoming privateers?”



JofY: Actually, it’s the Planetaries. And, if you combine your powers, you can summon, CAPTAIN PLANET!



“You really don’t remember, do you?” Mousy asked.



“No,” Rye shook his head, “I don’t.”



“Start from the beginning, Mousy,” Starjammer said to the earth pony, no longer laughing. “He deserves to know everything.”



JofY: [Mousy] “Well, it all started when you learned you had become Jewish…”



Rye swallowed, now fearful. Starjammer no longer laughing made everything worse. Starjammer looked serious, solemn even, and even Bloody Velvet had gone silent. The room was filled with deafening silence. Rye could feel his heart thudding in his chest.



SC276: If he has a heart attack, can we leave early?

JofY: Sure.

CaptainPipsqueak: Can we steal his money and guns first?



Mousy took a deep breath, looking at Rye, and a fearful expression crept over her face. “Well Rye, last night, you came back to the ship with gifts, wine and whiskey, which you and Starjammer shared. I had a bit of wine, but not much, just enough to make me giggly, but I wasn’t sloshed, not like you two. Starjammer had already been soused earlier in the day.”



Rubbing his head, Rye tried to remember. He had a hazy recollection of what Mousy was saying. He did come home with wine and whiskey.



“It was Oola that got you to dance, she also shared some of the whiskey, but not much. After your dance with her, you danced with me and you danced with Starjammer. Then you danced with both of us.



JofY: “Then you danced the night away… Seriously. The moon is gone with whatever you just did! You’ve doomed us all. How could you?”



After that, you finished off the whiskey.” Mousy scooted a little closer to Rye. “You told me how pretty I was.”



JofY: “That’s how we learned you were drunk.”

SC276: Tell me I’m pretty.



Groaning, Rye could not remember anything that Mousy was saying, but he could see that Starjammer was nodding. Bloody Velvet was now sitting on the sofa beside Starjammer, one eyelid was twitching, and her ear jumped up and down with every other twitch of her eyelid.



JofY: Her face had started doing an Irish jig.



“We danced for a while longer, the three of us, and Starjammer said that you and I were a perfect couple… you agreed, Rye.”



JofY: After all, polls on Facebook are never wrong!



Mousy took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and then said, “You asked me to marry you.” The earth pony mare opened her eyes.



SC276: Obviously an important detail!



“What?” Rye gave Mousy a blank stare of horror.



JofY: [Rye] “You have eyes!?”



“I said no,” Mousy replied, shaking her head. “I said it was the liquor talking and you got angry. You said that you were free to do as you pleased, that you were as free as the wind, and that you could do whatever you wanted.



CaptainPipsqueak: ~Do what you want because a privateer is free...~



You said that you knew what you wanted and you wanted me and you would not take no for an answer. You threatened to shoot the moon out of the sky and to plunge the world into darkness.



JofY: I was joking!

SC276: Could just kill her and rut the corpse… Why isn’t this guy shipped with Velvet again?

ToonGuy: Because we need one straight mare. Apparently, the author picked up a seven sided die, wrote names on it and just randomly rolled. Because really would any other explanation make any more sense?!



We all tried to tell you no, but you insisted, then you cried a bit, and you and I cuddled and talked for a while, and finally, it was Bloody Velvet that told me to give you what you wanted if that was what I wanted and we would sort everything out somehow, and so you and I left the ship and found a justice of the peace.”



JofY: [Mousy] “It was really hard catching up to you with how run-on you were.”

SC276: Wasn’t marriage a big-ass deal back then, or did you honestly think you couldn’t keep his guns from him? Velvet generated a whole shield around the ship that resisted lightning cannons, to suggest she can’t hold a whole pony in a telekinetic grip is stupid.

ToonGuy: But SC276, HE HAD PROTAGONIST POWERS, HE COULD FLY TO THE SUN BASED SOLELY ON HIS FARTS AND THE AUTHOR WOULD INSIST THAT THIS MAKES SNESE.



“Oh shite and buggery,”



JofY: (With a snobbish British accent) Mmmm, yes.



Rye whispered, clutching at his stomach.



“That came later,” Starjammer said to Rye, still looking serious and solemn.



SC276: [Starjammer] “I’m actually Batman.”



“When we came back, there was a bit of a celebration



SC276: That the captain somehow missed completely.



and I knew that you and Starjammer had a bit of a thing going on, and I didn’t want any hard feelings, so I suggested that we all go to bed together and you agreed… you thought it was a great idea. You wanted to be impulsive and try new things…



JofY: “And then you totally chickened out when I suggested a little bondage.”



went on a bit of rant actually and we had to shut you up.” Reaching up, Mousy brushed her mane out of her face and then looked Rye in the eye.



SC276: Obviously an important detail!

ToonGuy: “Ew, stop using your eyes! They’re totally disgusting in how seeing they are!”



“How drunk was I?” Rye asked.



“Oh, drunk enough to feel free from any and all inhibition. You said that you never felt more free in your whole life and that you were going to stop being a prick.



SC276: In all honesty, when was he ever actually a prick in this story?

JofY: Yeah… I think this might be another genuine attempt at character development.



You wanted to have a bit of fun and you wanted to be free,” Bloody Velvet replied.



ToonGuy: But he’s a pirate! Aren’t pirates naturally free?! Or was that song a LIE?!



“You were laughing and happy, which is why we went along with what you wanted,” Mousy said.



SC276: The one who hooks up with someone to make a drunkard happy is the one living in the crap society that gives as much value to the bonds as matrimony as Tumblr gives value to social justice.



The earth pony smiled, a soft gentle smile. “As for the reason why I have a sore arsehole… Starjammer and I took you to bed and you shagged me. It was the first time for both of us. He helped us get the most out of it. But you didn’t bugger me arsehole the first time we did it, that came later.”



“Later?” Rye shook his head, still remembering nothing.



“Well, when you were still all wet and slick from having your way with me,



CaptainPipsqueak: ...I need an adult.



you grabbed Starjammer and made him your mare… I watched… and I must confess, I enjoyed myself quite a bit… it was steamy. I didn’t know how I felt about that sort of thing when we started, but watching you two go at it, watching Starjammer get the shudders as you buggered him, I had myself a case of the shivers myself.”



CaptainPipsqueak: ...I need an adult.

SC276: Yeah, given Mousey here I’m pretty sure is a child, I can see how Ring thinks this is completely fucked up. Because it is.

ToonGuy: For god’s sake, I am going to go to hell for this. Did….Did this guy seriously not read his story, think for a minute about the problems that this would cause, or….I don’t know, ASK HIS BLOODY READERS WHAT THEY WANTED?!?! Because I can sure as hell tell you that if I was reading this, I WOULD NOT WANT THIS CRAP IN A STORY ABOUT PIRATES.



Rye Mash closed his eyes and tried to not throw up his orange juice all over the floor.



“I wanted to know what it felt like, Starjammer seemed to be enjoying it, he sounded just like a mare when you pinned him down on his belly and started licking his ear.”



SC276: That’s because he’s a freakin’ pussy.



Mousy took a deep breath, licked her lips, and watched as Rye Mash opened his eyes.



SC276: No one gives a damn about the eyes, author!



“So, I asked you to give me a good buggering, and you did.”



JofY: “You gave me worms.”



Mousy’s tail twitched. “And that is why I have a sore arse and the bed is a sopping mess. You shagged both of us, Rye Mash.”



CaptainPipsqueak: *starts whining again*

SC276: Just remember, it’s only a fanfic. For once I can say that in a riff without getting a response back about how it isn’t.

ToonGuy: Mr Pipsqueak, I don’t wanna be a riffer anymore!



For the second time that morning, Rye Mash puked all over the floor.



ToonGuy: The nightmare becomes reality. Also, help.

SC276: ...That’s it? That’s the entire chapter? We could have had actual plot happen so we can get this crap over with sooner, and yet you decide an entire chapter had to be dedicated to the main learning what happened to him last night? Maybe if you learned to cut back on all this dictative detail about eyes and shit, you could’ve fit some glimmer of something worth reading about in here!





JofY: ...Am I the first one down here? Okay, then. This has been Part 5 of The Catch. Personally, I think it’s meh at best. I’m honestly not quite sure what it wants to even be. Well, other than Sexy Pony One Piece. However, I wish it would at least be willing to use curse words to make it more closer than anyone but the most British would understand. Wadda bout the rest of you?

ToonGuy: As someone who, admittedly, has forgotten quite a lot of the story before I joined in the riff, I can safely say that this was quite….distressing. Not just because of the horrible implications here, but in just how much time it wasted. I’ve been harping on about this throughout, but it deserves mentioning once more, a pony story that involves pirates should be far more than what this turned out to be! I was hoping for Pirates of the Caribbean, and got One Piece. Actually, I take that back, because One Piece at times could be very pirate like and did feel like a adventure. Also, yeah, the language is a problem, but I noticed it less because I’m actually from Britain. But it’s like Kudzu deliberately set out to make the least enjoyable story possible. Well if that was his intention, then I salute him, because I literally don’t care about anything that would happen to these characters. Overall, this is just a disappointment, it’s not even that funny or over the top god awful to recommend to any reader. You guys?

SC276: Let’s get the general stuff out of the way: this story is a slog. Too much detail is given to minor things we don’t give a shit about. And that waitress smirks way too much to be natural. But the two main things I have issue with are, indeed, Ring’s red-flagged points. Let’s start with Sunbutt arrival with a mission for our “intrepid heroes.” This says “everything before this was just worldbuilding and prologue that won’t have any effect on this narrative.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he dropped the whole “conspiracy to overthrow” thing with the ciphers and we never heard from it again, even though Inky being tied into it would be a natural extension. A couple of chapters, tops, overlooking the major characters and their personalities could easily substitute for everything before now, and I know you know how to do in media res because that’s how the story starts in the first place with Rye being captured and taken onboard the pirate ship. It would take a return of Tradewinds or Trottingham as a major location in order to at least partially justify anything in the first twenty-four chapters. Otherwise, you were just going on about things we don’t give a shit about. If this midway plot switch is in response to being riffed, that’s just proof you’re just writing to inflate your own self-absorption and not to entertain or inform an audience. Now let’s talk about that last chapter. Given the other shit I’ve heard Kudzu has written, someone finally getting fucked in the ass doesn’t surprise me in the freakin’ slightest. Hell, not even the fact that it’s a child getting fucked is surprising, since it’s clear as fuck that Kudzu has a fetish for that. However, the drunken marriage is what angers me. According to Ring, Rye and Mousy are actually ancestors to one of the main characters in The Chase. As an advocate of continuity, I won’t turn down pairing them up in the prequel. However, they’ve only know each other for a week, tops. And him being drunk is no excuse; not only did he explicitly have no guns with which to threaten anyone, Velvet - shown in this story to be capable of generating a shield around an entire airship capable of holding up to not only cannon fire but repeated lightning strikes - was present and by all indications sober, and so could have easily have held Rye in a telekinetic grip to neutralize any threat he may have had, which is made worse by how she’s apparently Twilight’s ancestor. What this should have been is a slow buildup showing these two getting closer together, probably over the course of this adventure Celestia is railroading them into, and the events would help solidify the course of the subplot. Instead, you apparently went “Well you already know these two get together from the first story that no new people will actually read because it’s two million words long, so BAM! Together!” It’s like he’s incapable of buildup. And then there’s the fact that I don’t remember Rye and Mousy showing any chemistry during the entire story before this, and it’s not “rescue romance” because that also applies to Woe. It’s downright idiotic. I honestly think he doesn’t give a shit about telling a good story; he just wants attention. And money, given his Patreon.





[Beat]



Scarlet: Is anyone else here? Because that was a wall of text. Even by my standards. And I still have to put in my bit. Are you all sitting down? Do you have a drink and a snack? Good. You may need it. Also, for the sake of making this rant a little easier on the eyes, I’m breaking it up into paragraphs. This riff broke me. Most of my funny material comes from a sort of grudging love for the story and its narm and goofiness and naivete. The Catch is not naive. The Catch is evidence that God hates queers, because he specifically brought it into existence to make me cry.



Kudzuhaiku is terrible. The Catch is terrible. I think we’ve established that. What we really haven’t discussed is how weirdly self-serving he is. Kudzu’s idea of historical writing, which he invokes when it suits him, is to have a trans mare and a little kid get fucked up the ass by his manly male lead and then say no, it’s okay, it was a different time. That this argument does not fly about slavery does not seem to occur to him. And yes, I did say Trans Mare. Spoilers, Starjammer is apparently trans! The fact that a land of magic and the wealth and privilege of being a noble could possibly have given her potential solutions to some of her problems was apparently not a thing Kudzu ever considered. Unless his Equestria is as transphobic as our earth, which just seems baffling in a land where friendship is a literal source of magic. I’m not even touching his weird obsession with child sex, because my brain needs a cleansing shower.



I can’t even begin to go further without discussing how much of a petulant, edgelord writer Kudzu is. Princess Celestia shows up, and Rye Mash has to control negotiations with her (for some reason). The royal guard comes aboard, and Rye actually tries to shoot them. Heads explode, gore abounds, and mostly I get the impression that Kudzu has no idea how to write a convincing tone. You can write pirate stories like One Piece, you can write them like Pirates of the Caribbean, you can write them like a Seven Seas game, you can even write them like Master and Commander, but however you write them, you have to hold to some kind of working tone. Going from BoobsLady McMinotaur into telling the goddess of the sun that you’ll shoot her innocent guards for no reason to fucking a twelve year old kid up the ass while drunk is just not good tonal writing. It smacks of the edginess being there because Kudzu sees it as somehow adding to the “realness” of the story and the characters. Trust me, buddy. This ain’t real.



Last time I failed to finish a riff it was because busy work schedules and depression hit all at once. This time, it’s because I realized that everything I try to riff in the story turns into me ranting at Kudzu’s fuckery. It’s not very funny. Because The Catch is where joy comes to die.





* * *





RingmasterJ5: Yes, we’re doing this again. Fallen, since you’re so much better at it then I am, why don’t you give any newcomers a bit of a refresher on who the hell Mykan is?

Fallen Prime: Oh, lord.

Dakari-King Mykan is one of the most cancerous fanfiction writers around. He almost exclusively writes fix fics about cartoon series that ended in ways he wasn’t thrilled with, often sucking the life and soul out of the characters he uses and adding a self-insert for bad measure. A lot of his work revolves around such shows as Digimon (particularly Adventure 02), Teen Titans, and bizarrely, 6teen. However, one of his most infamous series is one that attempts to “fix” (read: shatter all redeeming quality from) FIM based on his supposed contempt of it, starting with the now-disregarded “My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing.” Now the focus is on a saga known as “Starfleet Magic” (no, it’s NOT a Star Trek crossover, but yes, it’s EXACTLY as derivative as it sounds), which starts identically to the other story. We ran the other stories before, to literally overwhelming amounts of participation, and he’s written SO much more of it since I left this whole thing to stagnate. So we’re picking up RIGHT where we left off.

RingmasterJ5: But don’t let that scare you off if you haven’t read any of his work before, since, well, this isn’t exactly a FiM fanfic...

Fallen Prime: Oh, not even remotely. He tries to change as much as possible, and it both succeeds in the wrong ways AND fails spectacularly. Several plotlines are ripped RIGHT from the show, while the rest is just the generic “monster of the day” bullshit that you’d expect from goddamn Power Rangers. At least based on the first installment of SFM, which I couldn’t stomach reading too far beyond.

And there’s another reason it’s not exactly a FIM fanfic. That’s because it’s an EqG fanfic.

RingmasterJ5: We had to get to one eventually. Also, Mykan made a “movie poster” for his fanfic, and we’d be remiss if we started the riff off without mentioning it. Let that set the tone of what’s to come.

Fallen Prime: Ladies and gentlemen, the cancer you thought was in remission: “My Brave Pony: Starfleet Humans.”



Author's note:



The Grand Ruler's name is pronounced (Che-Les-Tow)



SC276: Wait, he’s Chinese? What?

RJ: Che-les-tow? Isn’t that a microbrew outside of Racine?

Ferret: Flat tire? Busted engine? Call Che-Les Tow Service and we’ll be there in thirty minutes or less, guaranteed.



PROLOGUE





The Dimensional Universe…



SC276: Space, the final frontier…

Ferret: Wouldn’t any universe be “dimensional”? I mean, ours has four, at least.



An alternate, multi-dimensional, magical void filled with stars, planets and worlds waiting to be discovered,



SC276: There are many worlds, but they share the same sky. One sky, one destiny. ...And that destiny is to be in this terrible fanfic.



and mysteries waiting to be unfurled, and is also the basis and location of the mystical planet United Equestria,



SC276: The result of a really weird treaty between Equestria and the United States. First thing to go was the healthcare.



home to the brave genetically altered ponies of the greatest fighting force in the known universe… Starfleet Magic!



SC276: That just sounds like a Star Trek-themed magic show.

Dark Angel: “For my next trick, I will attempt to pull a Tribble out of my hat.”



…



Sometime after Distraught had been redeemed and left to rebuild his race



SC276: Wait, which one’s Distraught again? Wasn’t he one of Titan’s minions? I thought they were all also “unicorns.” Though I’ve only read the original Magic is Believing, so maybe something changed.

Add: Distraught popped up in the movie, which took place after the second season of this bullcrap.



and, Titan was vanquished once more, life had gone on for all the ponies and their friends, and Starfleet training continued.



SC276: They had to work off all the excess commas.



Deep within the palace of New Canterlot,



SC276: Like Neo Bowser City, except less awesome. And no cool music.



in the dojo, two strong ponies were dishing it out in a spar. Lightning Dawn, ID-Codename AO0C:



Lord Shaxx: Alicorn Out 0f Character



A genetically altered alicorn with a golden horn capable of unleashing the Uniforce that could combat anything in its path,



SC276: But only activates when it’s possible to take enemy HP to 0 with it.



and had recently risen to the rank of Fleet Admiral…



SC276: Of course he did.

Ferret: It’s not as good of a title as you might think. It’s pretty much all desk work and coffee runs.

RJ: But he’s still WAY beneath Marissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon, Princess and Heir to the Throne of the Planet Essex, Commanding Admiral of Starfleet, Titleholder of the Triple Crown, Holder of the Longest Kobayashi Maru survival time ever, and Lord High Commander of All Kids Crews Everywhere.



…and his sparring partner; Princess Twilight Sparkle, also had recently been promoted to the rank of Captain, making Lightning her superior in the force.



SC276: But in bed, she’s totally on top.



The two had been sparring for a long time at Twilight’s request for her to



SC276: -get a chance to kill him.



earn something that had been taken away from her some time ago--



RJ: Her characterization. … But in these stories, I highly doubt that’ll happen.



her alicorn wings, which had been destroyed in the events of Equestria, when Nightmare Moon had returned, and destroyed her wing, reducing her back to her former unicorn state.



SC276: In hindsight, Mykan would be one of those people who saw Twilight with wings and go “NOPE.”

Dark Angel: Basically, Mary Sue (AKA Lightning Dawn) not only is all powerful, but Mykan himself even lowered Twilight Sparkle back down to a unicorn! I assume Celestia has been lowered to a pegasus, and Luna and earth pony! And Cadence down to a Donkey! If all of this is revealed to be true, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised! *takes a breath* Wow, this story is already causing me to lose my mind.

SC276: (hands Dark Angel a juice box) Hopefully this helps.



After all, since magic had given her those wings, magic could take them away.



Topher: As could any sharp implements. Or blunt implements if you’re determined enough.



She had been through so much in the time that United Equestria was formed, being genetically altered into a humanoid shape,



SC276: Talk about your “unicorn” master race.



trained with Starfleet to become stronger and swifter to battle new and more powerful enemies throughout the universe, and still she had not earned her wings back.



SC276: “You haven’t quite become a true hero.”



She felt that training constantly would help her unlock her wings again.



Topher: Unfortunately, the wings could not be unlocked. She had to buy the DLC to get them back.

Ferret: Wait, I thought she had to earn them. Now she has to unlock them? Why is Starfleet being so dickish about this? Just give her the wings back, she’ll be a vastly more effective fighter then!



She sparred with Lightning hard,



Dark Angel: ‘Lightning Hard’ is his porn star name.



punching and kicking about, but he, being a lot stronger and swifter than she was having been training longer than she, managed to block her every attack and pound her hard when he guard dropped.



Topher: It’s time for everyone’s favorite guessing game: Fight Scene or Sex Scene!



Twilight tried her magic, but Lightning just stood there and took the blast, and nothing happened, he didn’t even flinch. “You need to stop relying on magic all the time, Twilight.” he said to her and dashed at her.



SC276: It’s kinda what she does, brother!

Ferret: Lightning, your only value in combat is to pull out your asinine finishing move at the very end and nothing else. Shut the fuck up.



Twilight continued to zap at him, but he kept swerving and dodging her every attack



SC276: Learn to Timed Hit, Twilight!



until he reached her and kicked her legs tripping her down on her back, and then he swiftly jumped down and lunged his fingers for her neck… for the kill…!



… And he stopped at the last inch!



Topher: Lightning didn’t kill his friend/sparring partner. That definitely merits a “cliffhanger.”



“Hold!” shouted a voice “That is enough for today.” The voice belonged to Lightning’s mentor, Grand Ruler Celesto; the commander-in-chief and founder of Starfleet, and co-ruler of United Equestria alongside his wife, Queen Celestia.



SC276: Commander-in-chief being the head of the armed forces and not the navy, which fleet admiral actually is, is the smallest problem in that sentence.



Lightning helped Twilight up off the floor, and Twilight anxiously gazed at her back, and sighed “Nothing.”



Topher: Twilight needs a few more fights first. Unicorns generally evolve around level 60.

SC276: Aw great, they turned Twilight into a Cutie Mark Crusader.



Lightning and their majesties sighed. “Twilight, you’ve got to stop worrying over all this getting your wings back. It’s slowing you down worse than ever.” said Lightning



RJ: [Lightning] The only one allowed to be omnipotently awesome is me! So don’t even bother trying.



Twilight knew he was right “But it’s just… those wings were once part of me, and well I feel silly being a princess and a captain without them.”



Topher: If they’re really that important, can’t celestia just stick another pair on?

Ferret: No, because she hasn’t eaaaarned them yet.

Topher: Got it. Celestia screws with twilight for shits and giggles, business as usual..



Celestia told her “It really doesn’t matter if you have wings or not, you’re still a very special pony.”



SC276: Which is totally why Lightning is banging her.



“You sure are.” said Spike as he came in with water and towels for the tired duo. The fairy queen, Krysta, fluttered in around Lightning, her life’s companion. “You were incredible out there.” she complimented.



SC276: [Krysta] “So incredible I had to co-opt Spike’s paragraph.”



Lightning chuckled “Not bad for a pony than can’t do natural magic.” then his stomach growled “Ooh… but all that training’s worked up my appetite.”



“Me too, I’m famished.” added Twilight.



“Come then, it’s nearly dinnertime.” Grand Ruler said.



SC276: Why put the name pronunciation guide at the beginning if you weren’t going to… use the name? Regularly?



All their friends and relatives were there. Twilight’s friends, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack, had all been recently dubbed as Senior Lieutenants of the force



SC276: I don’t think that’s an actual position, navy or otherwise.

Ferret: From my admittedly limited military knowledge, that’s like saying “chief intern”.



after the last war on the planet, and Lightning’s friends were all executive captains, superior in rank to Twilight and friends, but not to Admiral Lightning., the leader of the entire team



Topher: Call me crazy, but I’m seeing a little bit of bias towards Lightning.

RJ: (sarcastic) What? Bias towards the obvious author avatar OC? Noooo...

Dark Angel: If you’re gonna be this biased, why even include Twilight and her friends at all?

Lord Shaxx: To make the OCs seem better. It's almost working. Almost.

SC276: Fleet admiral, story. There’s a difference.



Starla Shine: Lightning’s mare-friend for well over a year, and expert astronomer and astrologist, and bared a very strong resemblance to Rarity.



SC276: One time Rarity went out when Starla was alone in the store. A customer came in and chaos ensued.



ID-Code: KY1M.



SC276: You leave Kynim out of this!



Buddy Rose: an expert gardener, ecologist, and tree surgeon,



Topher: Because that is totally a thing. Also, this skillset is very useful on a spaceship.

SC276: Tree surgeons are actual things, but who wants to bet Mykan thought he made it up?

Ferret: Operating solely on Fluttershy doesn’t sound like the most effective career path.

Topher: ...Go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done, Ferret.



and Applejack’s newest farm hand at New Sweet Apple Acres: ID-Code: FT5H.



SC276: You get a New in front of your name, YOU get a New in front of your name, EVERYONE gets a New in front of their names!

Ferret: And also a serial number tattoo, because the Nazi analogue wasn’t quite blatant enough.

RJ: …Does that ID code say ‘fetish?’

Dark Angel: If it does, would that really surprise you?



Artie Bristles: A masterful artist in painting, sculpting, carving, you name it. ID-Code: HV7J



SC276: Basically, what I tried to do when I was young and GameMaker hadn’t been invented yet.

Dark Angel: Of course when it comes to literary arts, his skills are probably about equal with Mykan.



Rhymey: Fluttershy’s colt-friend, a poet, song writer and café proprietor, who always spoke in rhyme. ID-Code: XL7Z



SC276: OH GOD YOU’RE STILL HERE

Ferret: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting: the worst thing about Starfleet by far! and trust me, that’s saying something.



And the Spanish Twins, Dyno and Myte La Guava: Born on the Planet El Mundo, and the sons of a Starfleet General. Brilliant geologists, expert miners, movers, construction team, and explosive experts: Codes, IW8K and JX9L.



SC276: Oh look, it’s the twins. As I recall, they were known as “Politically” and “Incorrect.”

Dark Angel: Well, you can’t blame them. It’s not their fault that they were born on a planet in the Español System.

Topher: I’m getting some serious Borderlands 2 flashbacks.



Joining them for dinner were Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, and Princess Luna.



SC276: Who aren’t all that relevant to the plot really, but Mykan is including them because he is just that generous.

Dark Angel: [Mykan] “Cadance, Shining Armor, and Luna will have no place in the plot of this story. But I will give them a scene to acknowledge their existence.”



Pinkie saw the others coming to join them. “Hey, there Every-pony.” she chirped.



“Pinkie…” snapped Starla “Remember the corrected vocabularies. It’s every-body, not every-pony.”



SC276: [Starla] “The author can’t be bothered to remember the conventions of the universe they’re writing for.”

Dark Angel: [Mykan] “Screw what’s already canon. My bias says that things have to be said my way.”



Pinkie felt silly.



SC276: Meanwhile, we feel like throwing up.



“Ah, buck up, sugar-cube, we all make mistakes.” said Applejack.



SC276: Like this fic.

Dark Angel: [Starla] “It’s cheer up, not buck up! The author doesn’t care about canon pony dialect!”



“Besides, at least we all get to be friends.” added Buddy Rose



SC276: That’s not a plus, brother.



“And speaking of which.” He had to present to his queen a beautiful bouquet of flowers he had picked from his garden. “Why, Buddy Rose, they’re lovely.” she said as she accepted and sniffed them.



RJ: [Celestia] …When he’s gone, burn them like the rest.



Buddy Rose bowed and kissed her hand tenderly “Just my way of saying thank you for inviting us all here.”



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “Even though we live here, but thanks regardless.”



“Aw…” everyone cooed.



Topher: This is the first time I’ve seen a written story with a live studio audience.

Ferret: No, if it were a live audience, it would just be retching sounds for the whole duration.

Dark Angel: Mykan just took the studio audience from a good fic and copy and pasted it onto this garbage.



They all sat down and waited for the chefs to come out and serve dinner, when they noticed someone was missing. “Where is Goldwin?” asked Rarity



SC276: Who?

Ferret: With Mayer, last time I checked.

Dark Angel: If he’s smart, he left this fic.



“Surely he would not even think of missing out on such a glorious gathering.”



SC276: I know I’d pass.



That’s when Goldwin appeared at the door to the dining hall. “Sorry, I’m late.” he panted and as he rubbed the sweat from his face, he mistakenly but foolishly removed his magic mask, and turned back into a golden statue.



Topher: Did I miss a memo or something? When did this guy show up?

Add: Season 2, he was a gift for Princess Celestia. And a ripoff of some character from some show.



The others couldn’t help but chuckle.



SC276: “People turning into statues is funny!”



Artie got up and placed the mask back on his face. “There you go.” he said “Ready everybody?”



Everyone nodded…



“Altogether at the count of three,

We’ll say the words to set Goldwin free.” said Rhymey.



SC276: And now to continue the glorious tradition of Fan/fic/ Theater 3000. *deep breath* OH MY GOD, RHYMEY, SHUT THE FUCK UP! ...How was that?



They all counted to three and said the magic words…



“Powers of life, now begin

awaken the magic from within!”



SC276: And then he exploded.

RJ: Or he’s pregnant now.



…and Goldwin came back to life, but in a bit of a shock. “What happened?” he asked and the remembered “I knocked my mask off when I wiped my face.” Everyone shared a laugh with him and then he took his seat just as dinner was served, a very big royal feast.



SC276: I assume the mask is one of those burglar band-over-the-eyes deals, because otherwise, how the hell can this guy eat?



Grand Ruler and the Queen took the time to feed their little babies, Castor and Leilani. Fluttershy couldn’t stop gazing at how lovely it looked.



Topher: Fluttershy would later steal the babies, leading to a chain of events that became a gruesome parody of the Philomena incident.



“They’re so adorable.” she cooed.



“They really are.” said Celestia as she fed her little son his bottle of formula.



Her husband chuckled as he wiped the baby food off of his daughter’s little face. “Father’s little angel.” He said as he softly patted her head.



SC276: Mary’s little Stu. Watch, these babies are going to be key to saving the universe by the end of the fic.

Topher: Nah, my money’s on them being “The Chosen One” at the beginning of the sequel.

Dark Angel: I’m guessing that these babies have no importance, but only exist because Mykan has no respect for My Little Pony.



There were salads, breads, vegetables, noodles, tea, and soft drinks to go around, and meat, especially meat.



RJ: I’ll take a meat on meat sandwich, with a glass of meat. Oh, and meat and gravy for dessert.



As they were genetically altered now, they’re bodies required more sustenance and nutrients.



SC276: And apparently we’re past the point where the people who were herbivores before are capable of eating all that without throwing up.



There was only one piece of garlic-bread left on the tray, but Lightning graciously let Starla have it. She pecked him on his cheek for that.



Topher: The last piece of garlic bread? Honey, for that you owe him at least a blowjob.

Dark Angel: You misunderstand. She got the last piece of garlic bread because she gave him a blowjob.



Fluttershy and Rhymey were eating a course of spaghetti and meatballs, when their noodles got looped together and they ended up drawing towards each other’s faces with their noses touching each other’s.



SC276: In fiction, the chances of that happening are 1 for every work where there is a couple eating spaghetti released after The Lady and the Tramp.



Fluttershy looked away, blushing, and hiding behind her mane, and Rhymey giggled nervously.



Topher: OH, JUST BANG ALREADY!



As everyone ate, Shining Armor noticed “Hey, Twily, are you going to finish that steak?”



His sister looked up as if she had been in a trance. “Oh, I’m… working on it.” she said as she took another bite.



“What’s the matter, Chica?” asked Dyno.



SC276: The night guard shut the door in her face again, is what’s the matter.



“Are you still upset over not having your wings?” added Myte.



SC276: I dunno, are you two Monty Moles upset over having to share a paragraph?



Lightning and Twilight’s friends all groaned in dismay. Cadance gazed at her sister-in-law “Twilight, You’ve got to…”



“I know, I know…” her sister-in-law cut in “Stop worrying about it. I’ve only heard this like a billion times.”



SC276: [Twilight] “When it’s your only character trait, you work with what you got.”



“Ah, come on, Twilight.” said Rainbow “Even if you don’t have wings, I still consider you a good flyer.”



Twilight smiled and thanked her for that. “Still, this reminds me of that guy I once met back in that other universe at Canterlot High School.”



Topher: I can see where this is going. ABANDON FIC! *jumps over the railing*

SC276: How is being unable to get your wings reminding you of the time you were a- no wait, let me rephrase. How is being unable to get your wings remind you of a specific guy from the time you were a human? Instead of just the fact that you didn’t have wings?

Dark Angel: It’s bad enough that this story is ignoring canon. Now it degrades even more by making what is not canon, canon. This story is so low below shit that it might as well be coming out on the other side of the planet.



Everyone was well aware of the alternate universe, and the adventures Twilight had. “What was this guy like?” Lightning asked.



Twilight’s memory was a bit faded, and she hadn’t remembered much, but she conjured an illusion of her memory.



RJ: (singing) Fortune, fame, mirror vain, gone insane, but the memory remains!



There was at Canterlot High, with a guy who looked like Flash Sentry, in human form.



Topher: That description is incredibly helpful, I fully understand what that guy looks like.



Lightning dropped his fork, letting it hit the plate, and looked as if he had seen a ghost,



SC276: Because he had. We’re haunting this fic now.

Dark Angel: After all, we all are saying “boo” to this fic.



and his friends reacted almost the same way. “What’s up with everyone?” asked Pinkie.



Topher: It’s as if millions of waifus cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.



She waved her hand in front of their faces, but they still just gazed at the image of the guy Twilight was with.



Twilight noticed everyone looking strange. She even compared the image to Lightning. “He sure looks like you. He sounded like you, and look he even has your insignia and code on his shirt.



SC276: It’s high school. He would get bullied for that shirt alone.



If I didn’t know better he could’ve been you, Lightning.”



“Twilight…” snapped Lightning “That is me, when I was in the human-world.”



SC276: DUMB DUMB DUUUUUMB!!

Topher: And so we discover that the central focus of your story is *puts on shades* a space-ship. YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Dark Angel: So this story is disregarding canon, making what’s non-canon canon, and then taking that canon and disregarding that canon…my head hurts.



There was a long short



SC276: And an oxymoron.

Dark Angel: Emphasis on ‘moron’.



of everyone spitting out their drinks, choking on their foods, or dropping their utensils in shock, but none were as amazed as Lightning and Twilight.



Dark Angel: Seriously, they haven’t made that connection until now?



(INTRO)



SC276: Oh god he’s still doing these.



Beautiful music began to play as the view of United Equestria was seen from far above,



SC276: See, it’s funny because it’s ironic.



and beautiful voices were singing…



“My little pony… My little pony…”



Ferret: Aaah-aaah-aa--



When all of sudden, someone shouted. “Wait! Hold it! Stop them music! Stop! Stop…!”



Ferret: Wait, what?



and everything screeched to a halt as Lightning came out onto the scene.



SC276: True, whenever Lightning shows up, everyone stops and stares at him.

Topher: A stare of contempt, maybe.

Dark Angel: [Random Spectator] “Why is this crazy person running around naked?!”



“This isn’t Friendship is Magic, and this isn’t Equestria Girls.”



Topher: Oh, god! NOT G3! ANYTHING BUT G3!



He called out to no one in particular, and demanded that changes be made, such as the view be changed into outer space, and the title card be changed, “And can you change the intro music?” he added, and he got his wishes.



SC276: That does tend to be how those characters work.



“Thank you!” he said and then he ducked down and out of sight letting the true intro begin.



www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-D99_…



SC276: The hilarious part of that is, one, that’s a DeviantART external link buffer, which shows like zero quality control; and two, the video’s been pulled.

Dark Angel: That’s probably for the better though. Even YouTube realized that this fic should have never seen the light of day.



(Skip to 0:43)

MY BRAVE PONY

(Starfleet Humans)



SC276: [Bowser] “SHOWTIME!!” (coughs and drinks some water) Man, that’s a tough one on my throat...



…



The great mirror portal, linking the dimensional universe to the alternate universe



SC276: Because there’s totally a difference between the two.



now stood a large broken fragment far away in the New Crystal Empire. It had been shattered during the return of Nightmare Moon before Equestria was destroyed, and was ever since beyond any hope of being restored.



Topher: Yeah, that’s what “destroyed” means.



So no one was ever able to return to the alternate universe, or come from it to United Equestria.



SC276: Unless they were chopped up into tiny bits. Who’s the first volunteer~?



…At least not that way.



SC276: [Lightning] “Thankfully, we are an armada of Gummi Ships!”



While back at the New Canterlot palace, everyone was still shocked and astonished to learn that Lightning had in fact met Twilight long before, which only raised further questions and curiosities.



SC276: I haven’t seen the revamp of Magic is Believing in full, but if it’s anything like the original, it covers Lightning’s entire career in Starfleet. So this should literally be impossible, and the author’s ignoring his own goddamn canon.



Pinkie went a-hundred miles an hour asking the many questions like…



“You met each other in the human world?”



“How did it happen?”



SC276: That’s what I’d like to know. Wasn’t Hasbro out of the whole “recolored background characters” thing by the time EqG hit?



“When did it happen?”



“Where, What, Who, Why…?”



Lightning felt steam shooting through his ears.



SC276: Great, he’s malfunctioning again.

Topher: I recommend extreme percussive maintenance.

Dark Angel: Try pressing Ctrl, Alt, Delete.



“Settle down, Pinkie Pie.” said Grand Ruler. Pinkie sat back down in her seat, and pretended to zip her lips,



SC276: Aw great, they got all the Looney Tunes out of Pinkie by now.



but everyone else was still rigged with questions, especially how Lightning was able to get to the alternate universe without using the mirror gate,



SC276: They ask as they have spaceships that literally fly through dimensional space.



and what was he doing there?



SC276: Offhand, being the main character.



Lightning gazed at Grand Ruler and asked “Master, perhaps we can show everyone?”



His mentor agreed, and whispered to Celestia. His wife agreed, and the two



SC276: -unzipped their flies.



held hands and hands together,



SC276: Do you, Celestia, take- oh wait, they already did that.



concentrating hard, and their horns began to glow. They fired two small harmless beams at Lightning and Twilight’s heads which



RJ: - turned out not to be harmless, killing them instantly. The end.



helped to unlock some of their memories of their adventures in the human world.



Ferret: Oh, that’s not creepy, not at all.



Those memories then magically appeared over and across the table as a giant holographic image, much like a movie screen, and everyone could see the entire events just as they happened, from both perspectives.



SC276: Though it was kinda muddled as the table wasn’t cleaned of plates or anything.



Twilight felt a little uneasy about watching it again, because it reminded of something that happened which really broke her heart!



SC276: Namely, being in a Mykan fic.



ACT ONE



SC276: Ah, so it’s not only appearing as a movie, it actually is a movie!



It all started a year and a half ago, back when Lightning and his friends still lived on the planet Unicornicopia on the other side of the Galaxy.



SC276: Oh don’t remind me…

RJ: The bad side of the galaxy, on the other side of the galactic arm.



They had recently earned their astronaut licenses allowing them to travel to other planets.



Topher: Issued very hurriedly, so they could be taken far away as soon as possible.



They had just vanquished Titan's evil minions, and had collected two and a half of the mystical Star Stones.



Topher: You have to collect at least 50 stars to unlock the next galaxy!

Dark Angel: For some reason, I picture the Dragonball, since they have stars inside them.



Krysta still had amnesia of her role as fairy queen, and Lightning had not totally mastered the uniforce yet.



Dark Angel: [Obi Wan] “Let the uniforce be with you.”



Not a single one of them had ever heard of the planet Equestria, and had never met any of the inhabitants.



SC276: Thank god for them.



…



Not too far away from Unicornicopia, was the planet Mandala.



SC276: OK, quick note for those new to the Mykan scene: “dimension” and “planet” are basically synonyms around here, so… just roll with it.

Dark Angel: So…it’s basically like Kingdom Hearts?

SC276: Yeah, sorta, pretty much. I’ve alluded to such earlier. And just like Kingdom Hearts, it’s a slog to get through.



A beautiful planet consisting of meadows and mountain regions, inhabited by winged beast like humanoids and dragons. Many got along very well and lived and worked together in peace, while others detested this arrangement, as they preferred to be fierce and frightening beasts, and often resorted to wreaking havoc upon the good inhabitants.



SC276: Aggressive people telling the “good guys” they’re not doing things properly? Gee, I wonder who he was venting against. Also, what exactly would be the point of being fierce and frightening, since if they’re all like that, who’s left to terrorize?



So the elders of the planet had sent messages across space to hire Starfleet to send officers and establish lookout bases to help keep their planet safer from evil.



SC276: [elder] “You see, we’re safe already, but you can never be too careful.”

Topher: Now the aliens have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Dark Angel: This is suddenly reminding me of Star Trek: Insurrection.



One day, the good creatures of a nearby village



SC276: Nearby relative to what now?



were enjoying a blissful day as children played and the adults worked, when all of a sudden,



SC276: -the Fire Nation attacked.



a large gaggle of rebel dragons and winged beasts came soaring down from the skies, breathing fire



SC276: I WAS JOKING.

Dark Angel: I know how that feels.



and soaring mercilessly through town scaring the good inhabitants to pieces. “Get ‘em!” shouted a dragon as he unleashed his fiery wrath, setting fire to many of the rooftops. “You wimps have lost your pride!” snarled a winged beast woman



SC276: Of course they have, they’re in this fic!

Topher: ♬BURNINATING THE COUNTRYSIDE! BURNINATING THE PEASANTS!♫



as she swiped at stands and carts, breaking them to bits and frightening the inhabitants.



The good inhabitants were not as skilled fighters as the rebels and could hardly defend themselves.



SC276: You’d think after enough messes like this that attacks would be considered “often,” they would’ve organized a local militia or something, but of course the good citizens have to be completely defenseless so the space heroes can show everyone how badass they are.

Dark Angel: Of course. Mykan needs some reason to point out his bias towards his OC.

Ferret: You’d think Starfleet would have seen this attack coming, given the scale of it...



Finally, a dragon and a winged beast had cornered a winged beast mother and her frightened little son.



SC276: It takes that many units just to do that? Master tacticians, these ain’t.



Things would have gotten really messy had a dimensional space portal not appeared in skies,



RJ: I never thought I’d say it, but thank god Darkseid is here.



and several genetically altered humanoid like alicorns



SC276: Finally he admits it!



emerged and soared down like speeding comets, at the head of the gang was Lieutenant Lightning Dawn, the code AO0C stamped on his armor beneath the Starfleet insignia.



SC276: I think it’s an insult to the real Starfleet that I keep imagining their insignia in this fic. Granted, that’s probably what the author was thinking of...



“In the name of Starfleet, I order you to desist!” he shouted.



The rebel dragons began to breathe fireballs at the fighters.



SC276: [dragon] “You forgot to tell us to cease first!”



“Let’s go!” Lightning shouted to his comrades. Starla Shine, Code-KY1M,



SC276: We already know their codes, you practically bullet-pointed them at the beginning of the fic! We already knew that! Move on already!



followed behind him and growled in frustration “Why can’t they ever do this the easy way?”



SC276: [Lightning] “Because then we can’t show how badass we are.” [Starla] “Oh, right.”



They and all their friends evaded the fireball attacks, and landed in the middle of town and starred down the gang of rebels.



SC276: Who had stopped their rampage to all gather here, so that one battle could decide the whole thing.

Topher: Good to see that even the savage dragons have a sense of drama.



“This is going to be good.” snarled a dragon. “Who wants to get fixed first?” asked a winged beast.



SC276: None of them should reproduce. Fix them all at once.



Lightning snickered mockingly. “You should have quit while you were ahead.” he said. “Ready, guys…?”



“…READY!!” the others shouted. “STARFLEET MAGIC!!” tapping their insignias, their super armor and visors were donned.



SC276: Great, we’ve gone from magical girls to total sentai.

Dark Angel: And with visors? They’re ripping off Geordi La Forge.



They all stood together as Lightning proudly proclaimed…



“Guardians of the universe,

United we stand

To punish all evil,

And protect what is grand!”



SC276: “...BEWARE MY POWER, GREEN LANTERN’S LIGHT!!”

Ferret: Man, the lyrics in this new DragonForce song are really lame.



“…Power of Believing”



SC276: [Lightning] “I would like to believe I’m in a better fic.”



Starla: “Power of Space”



Topher: The power to constantly expand, like the universe! Unless that’s just all the spaghetti.



Buddy Rose: “Power of Fauna”



Topher: The power to- Wait, I thought plants were your thing.



Artie: “Power of Art!”



Topher: The power to get all your funding taken away!



Rhymey: “I summon within… Power of Wind”



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

RJ: So many fart jokes to make, so little time.

Dark Angel: Just don’t make a fart joke a rhyme…DAMNIT!

Topher: The power to blow out candles and spin pinwheels!



Dyno and Myte: “Power of Fire”



RJ: [dragon] Don’t need you, already set the place ablaze. [Dyno/Myte] Awww man…

Topher: The power to toast marshmallows!



The dragons and beasts gazed at one another with annoyed expressions



SC276: [dragon] “WTF is this transformation sequence bullshit?”

Ferret: You know it’s bad when the fight hasn’t even begun and I’m already rooting for the bad guys.



and rushed at the fighters. “Go!” shouted Lightning as he and the fighters charged forth. Lightning jumped and split kicked two dragons hard in their faces.



SC276: Oh boy, here we go.



Starla took to the skies and was being chased after by three beasts.



SC276: So, I’m pretty sure at this point we’re not going to be told what type of winged beasts these are. My headcanon is that they are flying rats. Not bats, actual winged rats.

Dark Angel: Rats with wings…doesn’t that title already go to pigeons?



“What’s the rush, pretty pony?” one of them mocked, but Starla wasn’t flying scared,



SC276: Sure she’s not.



she was getting enough distance to slam hard to a complete stop and then zipped back the other way fast, colliding back first into one of the beasts and sending it crashing hard to the ground.



SC276: Um… that’s only possible if you set up an anchor point or something to swing around, or if you made a sudden sharp turn like you were holding the R button while swimming in Banjo-Kazooie. Or at least something solid to bounce off of. And I should know, one of my characters calls that move the Slingshot Swipe.



The other two beasts were shocked and outraged. “Come on, let’s get her!”



SC276: “She killed Billy! Get her!”



They charged at her head on, but Starla got out her Star Bow. “STARLIGHT ARROW”



SC276: Oh sunnava bitch.

Dark Angel: [Starla] “Dragonball Z powers ACTIVATE!”

Ferret: Oh, boy, I sure love characters incessantly shouting the same attack names over and over again in fucking text.



and she skillfully fired two shots at once, striking the two beasts, sparks blasted at them and he fell down to their fallen comrade on the ground.



SC276: They fell down because of a bunch of sparks? Thank god they weren’t dragons then; I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t tickle those.



Buddy Rose leapt up high and flipped through the air landing on his feet and attacked all the oncoming beasts and dragons,



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “Wait, I forgot, was I supposed to land on them in imitation of Mario, or was I just showing off in the middle of a battle with lethal enemies?”



but got bashed and kicked a few times as well and sent skidding along the ground.



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “GAH, WHY DID I STOP TO TALK?!”

Topher: You just brought a gardener to a fight, what is he going do, fight using plants?



“Okay, that does it! VINE WHIP”



SC276: I’m pretty sure that’s a Pokémon move.

Dark Angel: Buddy Rose used Vine Whip. It’s not very effective.

Topher: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU



he cracked his whip on the ground twice as the monsters approached him. He whipped a beast by the talon and sent her slamming into three dragons. Two stayed down, but the third got up and stared him down like a cowhand. “Draw!” he hissed.



Ferret: [Buddy] I activate my Spell Card, Pot of Greed!”



“LEAF SWARM”



SC276: I’m pretty sure that’s a Pokémon move too.

Dark Angel: Buddy Rose used Leaf Swarm. It’s not very effective.

Topher: No No No! If you want Twilight to evolve into an alicorn, you need to get her out into the fight so she can get some experience points!



The dragon blew his fiery breath, disintegrating the razor leaves instantly,



Dark Angel: Buddy Rose used Razor Leaf. It’s not very effective.

Topher: You used leaves against an enemy that uses fire as a primary weapon. What did you think was gonna happen, dumbass?



but in doing so he let his guard down allowing Buddy Rose to skid along the ground beneath the flame blast and lassoed the dragon’s mouth shut while he was still blowing, causing the flames to blast in his mouth like a bomb.



SC276: The real bomb is all these freakin’ complex sentences.



The dragon, now covered in soot, blinked once, coughed out a small smoke-O and fainted.



Topher: It was hilarious when I SAW a cartoon character do it, so surely it will be just as funny to read!



“You didn’t say excuse me.” Buddy Rose teased.



SC276: Oh shut up.



Meanwhile, Artie and Rhymey back-flipped along the ground and stopped in a wide open area where several monsters ganged up on them “These guys don’t know when to quit.” Artie said.



SC276: Just like Mykan.

Topher: But the fight just started...



“Let’s beat these pains.

Their loss is our gains!” said Rhymey.



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Topher: Ok, Surely they can’t fight with art and writing supplies!

Ferret: Maybe Rhymey will kill them with how shitty his improv is.



The monsters charged, but the two fighters punched, kicked, and bashed the brutes hard.



“PAINT BOMB”



“DRILL QUILL”



Topher: Please excuse me, I need to go find something to be extremely violent to.

SC276: Stop giving it ideas!



The monsters went down, but one large dragon and one beast were still standing, and they angrily rubbed their claws and talons together hinting it was about to get personal. The two ponies turned and nodded each other and got out their weapons.



“SUPER STAFF”



SC276: How is a staff related to art?

Topher: Not a staff as in a weapon, staff as in the faculty of the art school he went to! He likes to bring them to fights for some reason.

Ferret: Any of you ladies wanna see my “Super Staff”?



“WARD SWORD”



Dark Angel: “UNNECESSARY ATTACK NAME!!!”

Ferret: I still haven’t figured that one out. At least the others make some sense, but...what does a section of a hospital have to do with bladed weapons?



Artie took on the beast and Rhymey fought the dragon parrying their weapons against the brutes’ claws and talons. The dragon fired his breath at Rhymey, but he swerved out of the way and zipped up over the dragon’s head, grabbing him by the horns and actually shoving him down hard, face first into the ground, and Artie gave the beast a good clunk on the head knocking her down and out.



He slapped a high-five, and did a high foot with Rhymey. “All right…!”



“…Out of sight!”



Dark Angel: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!!! Oh wait…

SC276: Have any of them actually taken a hit yet?

Ferret: Only me, to my sanity.



The Spanish twins faced three dragons at once. “Let’s burn ‘em boys!” the lead dragon shouted and he and his friends all unleashed their fiery breaths on the twins at once, but the twins simply stood where they were and nodded at one another. They joined hands and shouted “BOOM-BOOM FIRE”and fought fire with fire.



SC276: Wait if they’re holding hands, either the fire’s coming out of their backs like a Cyndaquil, or this is a fire version of the Ice Climbers’ down special.

Topher: NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH CONFLAGRATION!

Fallen Prime: Wow. You ruined Monty Python AND Stone Sour for me.



The results were explosive sending all of them soaring and crashing onto the ground. “So that’s how you want to play? Fine!” growled a dragon, and he and his friends charged at the twins.



SC276: Yes, charge headlong as the enemy that shoots fire at you. That can’t possibly end badly.



“After you, brother.” said Dyno.



“Gracias, brother.” said Myte,



SC276: Y’know, if you’re going to make them Spanish, the least you can do is have them use “hermano,” the Spanish word for “brother.” That way you avoid people invoking the BlazBlue joke that’s apparently a thing.

Dark Angel: But Mykan doesn’t speak Spanish. So them actually speaking Spanish goes against his own head canon.



and he leapt up forth and kicked the first dragon hard, and the second. The third stood behind him ready to slash him with his huge claws, but Dyno jumped in and bashed him hard. “VIVA!!” the boys hollered.



RJ: Yes, live! Even though your brain got bashed in, LIVE!



As the battle continued, however, the fighters remained unaware that they were being watched by a pair of sinister eyes from a cave in the side of one of the mountains near the village.



SC276: “But the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did NOT!”



The stranger sneered sinisterly



SC276: -, twirled his thin curly mustache,-



and continued to watch the fight; particularly observing Lightning the most; waiting and hoping for him to do something special.



SC276: Like use semicolons incorrectly?

Topher: If the story is anything to go by, Lightning’s very existence is something special. The guy seems to be space horse Jesus.

Ferret: I’d argue everything Lightning does is “special”...



Lightning continued to punch, kick and bash the monsters out of his sight, and he got hit himself a few times,



SC276: That’s debatable.



but hardly stood down. One dragon crept up on him from behind and grabbed him hard in a huge bind. “Now I got’cha!” he growled. “Oh, boy!” groaned Lightning



Topher: [Lightning] Joke’s on you, I’m into bondage!



as the dragon looked ready for a bit of his head,



SC276: Quick, dragon, eat him! Eat him, dammit!



when suddenly a huge boulder crashed down on the dragon head conking him out. Lightning looked up and saw his Krysta wink at him. “Am I too late?” she asked teasingly.



SC276: Isn’t she big enough to sit on their heads? How did she even carry that?



Lightning gave her the shot-signal with his fingers,



SC276: The what?

Topher: You know, the hand gesture for “It’s time for your annual rabies shot.” Allow me to demonstrate. *gestures* See?

SC276: ...You just gave me the middle finger.



“Perfect timing, Krysta, as usual.”



SC276: Aladdin, you are not.



Soon, the remainder of the gang of monsters huddled together in one place, and all of Lightning’s friends came soaring form the skies and landing near him. “It’s time for you brutes to see me little toy;



SC276: And then Lightning was a pirate.

Ferret: [Dragon] “What is that? It almost looks like a...OH MY GOD YOU AWFUL PERVERT”



RAINBOW ROD!”



Ferret: What’d I tell ya?



Holding out his powerful scepter and wielding it swiftly,



RJ: He was promptly tackled by the cops for doing that in public.



he dashed over and ran in super speeding circles around and around the monsters to confuse them.



SC276: We’re plenty confused already, thank you.



The sinister character eyed the Rainbow Rod from her viewing spot. “There it is.” she hissed. “I must get that rod.”



SC276: TMI, lady.

Ferret: Damn, this ho thirsty af.



Lightning continued to run in circles



SC276: Doing a perfect impression of the narrative in the process.



and then fluttered up, up, up.



SC276: (surprisingly good imitation of Yoshi’s flutter-jump voice clip)



He set the rod on “Capture”



SC276: Oh, it has modes now. Lovely.

Topher: Oh, god. Please don’t tell me that this is going to rip off Pokemon even more!.



and the rod began to glow. “SPECTRUM STREAM”Lightning shouted,



SC276: I forgot a lot of MiB, probably for my own sanity, so um, was this a thing he could do before, or…?

RJ: [Lightning] … oh god, I’m spent… I need a smoke...



and blasted the monsters from above. “UH OH!!” shouted the creatures as they all were hit and exploded, and when the smoke cleared, the creatures were all shrunk down and changed into figurine versions of themselves-- frozen in suspended animation, and all of them were trapped inside prison-spheres,



RJ: Lightning’s starting his own gashapon empire.



and the rest all lay unconscious. Lightning’s friends cheered and leapt with joy, and as Lightning landed gracefully on the ground, he proclaimed “Starfleet, victory is ours!”



Dark Angel: *singing* I’ve gotta be the very best. Like noone ever was. To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause…

Fallen Prime, Ooh, a shiny Celesto. Bitchin’.



Minimal damages were done in the village,



SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

RJ: A smoldering ruin, uninhabitable for only about 50 years. It’s actually better than the usual outcome.



but none of the other inhabitants were badly hurt, just a few bruises and grazes here and there.



SC276: The space heroes had to come in when the aggressors couldn’t actually hurt anyone?



All of them were cheering in thanks to the fighters. “Thank goodness we sent for your services.” The mother beast said.



“Bless you, Starfleet. What would we do without you?” a dragon said.



SC276: Probably either learn how to defend yourselves, or be in a better fanfic.

Ferret: Wait, didn’t they just beat the dragons up? What’s this guy doing?

SC276: It was stated at the beginning of the scene that there’s also good dragons. I don’t blame you for not paying attention to the narrative, though.



“We were glad to help.” said Lightning as he and all his friends accepted handshakes and thanks from all the good creatures. Krysta soon headed off to send for reinforcements to help bring the rebel creatures to take them to prison.



SC276: They are literally shrunken figurines. The only prison for them is a display case.

Topher: Where they shall be kept as mint-condition collector's items for eternity.



They could see the sooner that Starfleet was setup the better the planet would be.



Suddenly, as the fighters prepared to leave and head back to Unicornicopia, Lightning got struck, by surprise, by magical beams,



SC276: Well, which was it that hit him, the surprise or the magical beams? Make up your mind, author!



and was knocked back hard, dropping the Rainbow Rod. “Lightning!” cried Starla.



“Are you okay?” asked Buddy Rose.



SC276: No, we aren’t.



Lightning wasn’t hurt badly, but he wondered what that was that hit him.



SC276: Don’t look at us, we can’t fire shots through the fourth wall yet. Not for lack of trying, mind...



He and his friends then saw the Rainbow Rod was levitating and floating towards a mysterious humanoid female, with pale blue skin, and diamonds as spikey hair sticking straight up.



SC276: Strange, Lucy’s usually in the sky with diamonds, but as her hair?



She wore a silvery sparkling cape, a jewel-encrusted tunic, and around her neck was spherical sparkling pendant.



SC276: The Mystical Orb of Article Omission.



“Who’s she?” asked Artie. They didn’t know, but it became clear she was up to no good if she was trying to take the Rainbow Rod. The fighters scanned her with their visors, and saw her physical strength, defense, and magic levels were very high!



SC276: I’ll take this, guys. *ahem* It’s OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!

Ferret: And yet, you people get on my ass for calling Fluttershy a tree...



She gripped the rod in her left hand



Dark Angel: Insert dirty joke here.

RJ: ‘And she cupped the base with her right.’ Happy?



and snickered at the fighters.



SC276: The Kefka laugh isn’t a snicker, author.



“Give me that back!” Lightning demanded. “Now why would I want to do that?” hissed the lady.



Convinced she was wicked, the fighters stood ready to brawl.



SC276: There Will Be Brawl.



Lightning tried to call the Rainbow Rod back to him, as it normally would,



SC276: Accio Rod!



but the rod didn’t respond to his voice orders. “It no longer will function for you that way.” the lady sneered “This weapon is now mine, and with it I now have the power I need to make all my wishes come true.”



SC276: Lady, you’re looking for the Star Rod. That’s someplace else entirely.

Topher: Or maybe you’re thinking of the dragon balls, that’s also in a different universe. Maybe you’re looking for a genie, those exist in several universes so that would be easiest to find.



“Let’s get her!” shouted Lightning. He and his friends charged forth, but the lady’s eyes glowed brightly and she sent them all back hard.



SC276: She looked so creepy, they all went “NOPE NOPE NOPE, SO MUCH NOPE.”

Ferret: Is this like in Captain Planet, where Fu Manchu Hitler is such an asshole it acts like pollution and he literally got stared down?



They got up and rushed at her, but she swiftly swerved and ducked out of the way of their every attack, and hit them all back with powerful kicks and punches.



SC276: ~Everybody was kung-fu fightin’...~



Sparks flew everywhere,



SC276: Now they’re all malfunctioning! That’s what happens when you don’t keep up with the maintenance appointments!

Topher: We’ll have to shut ‘em all down and sell them for scrap now!



and it also didn’t help that the fighters were still a little tired from their previous battle.



SC276: We’re more than a little tired from the rest of the fic.



The lady snickered wickedly.



SC276: Can’t these people laugh any other way? I suppose it’s better than sniggering, but still…

Ferret: A chuckle, a guffaw, something!



“I don’t know if this is either fun or a waste of time,



SC276: The two are rarely mutually exclusive.

Ferret: I’m going with option B, Alex.



and I thought you were all professional fighters.” She then clasped the pendant around her neck, the jewel began to glow and a large swirling portal vortex appeared behind her. “Love to stay, but I really must be going.”



The fighters got back up and gazed in awe at the vortex, having never seen anything like it.



SC276: You fly your spaceships through portals all the flippin’ time!



They tried to scan it with their visors, but there was no info about this phenomenon. Still, Lightning was not about to let his weapon slip away. He and his friends continued to attack at the lady, and continued to get bashed and pummeled away, but suddenly she was caught off guard and Lightning punched hard in the face and dropped the rod. “Ugh! My beautiful face!”



Topher: Wow, that’s actually the first time I’ve seen that line played straight... Nope, still can’t take it seriously.



she cried “How could you do that do me?!”



SC276: One, because he doesn’t have a weapon to smack you with instead; and two, why would anyone do you?



Lightning managed to grab the rod, but the lady blasted furiously at him, which soon resulted in the fighters playing Keep Away; passing the rod back and forth in attempt to keep it away from the lady.



SC276: These are trained soldiers, people. As well, couldn’t Lightning use the voice recall while his friends had it?

RJ: Hells no. Acting like 8 year-olds on a playground is much more fun!

Topher: [Celesto or whoever it is leading them] Lightning, what did I tell you about playing with mommy’s eldritch artifacts? Come back inside now!

[Lighting] Aww, but MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I wanna play some more!



“Lightning, catch!” cried Artie as he tossed the rod over to him. “No!” shouted the lady as she blasted the rod knocking it into swirling vortex.



SC276: Nothing but net!



“No!” shouted Lightning



SC276: I stand corrected: nothing but nyet!



as he and the others watched in horror as the rod swirled round and around and vanished in a bright flash.



Topher: I reacted the same way when I flushed my keys.



The lady screamed in frustration and jumped through the vortex after it.



SC276: You made that portal, lady! You should know right where it goes!



“Come back here!” shouted Lightning as he jumped after her, but the vortex vanished before he could reach it causing him to fall onto the ground.



His friends gathered around him, but Lightning angrily pounded his fist into the ground over losing the Rainbow Rod; the very weapon his mentor had entrusted him with. The others couldn’t blame him,



Dark Angel: They could, however, blame the author for making this abomination of a fic.



and their minds were racked with curiosity. Who was that lady? What did she want with the rod? Most importantly, where did she go with it?



SC276: More important question is, do we really care?



“Lightning…” Starla said trying to comfort him “Don’t worry. We’ll get the rod back.”



SC276: [Starla] “We’re in the middle of the first story; it’s guaranteed.”



Lightning spoke calmly “But how? Where do we even start looking?”



The others had not a clue, but just then, Dyno saw something shimmering in the grass. “Hey, look at this.” he said as he scooped up the lady’s pendant, which used to make the vortex appear. “She must’ve dropped it during the struggle.” said Myte.



SC276: Really? She effortlessly threw you off the way you guys effortlessly threw off those dragons until that inexplicable game of Keep Away. As well, it was around her neck. At what point could she have dropped it?



“Look, it’s cracked too.” said Buddy Rose. The jewel was indeed cracked and its magical glow was slightly faded and pulsating.



SC276: Dude, if it cracked from falling ten feet, and that’s a generous tops, it’s probably made of glass.



“It may be a clue,

But what should we do?” asked Rhymey.



Dark Angel: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

SC276: Sut the fuc- DAMMIT!

Ferret: Let’s call Pony Sherlock Holmes, he can decipher this! And give us cocaine to help get through this.

SC276: ...I thought Sherlock Holmes did opium...



Lightning grasped the jewel and suggested they return to Unicornicopia. “We’ve got to tell Grand Ruler about this, now!”



SC276: [Lightning] “And it’s not like we weren’t going back there anyway- wait, didn’t we park the ship next to the first battle?”



So they left the rebels for their reinforcements to handle and headed back to their home planet, Unicornicopia.



SC276: Gee, I wonder what the name of the homeworld is? Better say it again, because I don’t think we know!



Once there, they flew up to Grand Ruler’s floating palace in the sky high above Rainbow City.



Dark Angel: Then when they got to Rainbow Road, they had to get into their carts and race.



At first the guards wouldn’t let them pass without making a proper appointment, but Grand Ruler could tell this was an emergency and let them pass.



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “I’m not letting this plot grind to a halt because of freakin’ red tape, I’ve got a future wife to fantasize about.”



“Master!” cried Lightning as he and his friends dashed into the throne room, almost forgetting courtesy and bowed to their ruler, he bowed back to them. “What have you to report, Lightning?”



SC276: [Lightning] “Everyone’s dialogue is getting squashed together in the same paragraph!”



Lightning felt almost too embarrassed to tell his mentor what happened to the Rainbow Rod,



Dark Angel: [Lightning] “On the way to Rainbow City, I lost the Rainbow Rod on Rainbow Road.”



but it had to be done. After explaining and showing Grand Ruler the pendant, it became clear to him what was going on. “I didn’t believe it entirely myself, until now.” Grand Ruler said



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “I mean, you, the guy who I practically raised, rushed in here looking like the world was going to end or something. That clearly indicates a prank.”



“This is very serious indeed.”



He started with the lady they met…



Her name was Sapphira; Empress Sapphira.



SC276: OK that’s like the third character I’ve heard with the name “Sapphira,” one of which is one of my old OCs, so congratulations, author, your character is now a psychic blue Egyptian cat in a bikini.

Ferret: I was thinking the dragon, but I’ll accept blue bikini cat, wink wink.



She was a crystal-like humanoid creature; a Crystallite from the planet Jemanite,



SC276: That’s the name of a DeviantART user. Drawings look pretty good, from my brief glimpse. Given this author’s history, I bet she left him negative feedback once.

Ferret: I’m pretty sure this is the plot of Steven Universe.



where she once ruled as queen, and was defiantly one of the most wanted criminals in the Starfleet profiles.



SC276: They originally tried to place her lower, but her profile just kept charging upwards.

Ferret: They didn’t want her to keep being one of the most wanted criminals, but still she was.



The Crystallites were very attractive creatures, but only on the surface. They were reputed to having the most outrageous of egos in the galaxy,



Dark Angel: Only second to Mykan.

Ferret: And Donald Trump.



claiming they were the most beautiful creatures of all, and felt it gave them the right to do as they wanted.



RJ: See, THAT’S why we can’t send the Kardashians into space.

Ferret: But he said “beautiful”, RJ.



The worst part they were treacherous thieves that specialized in stealing treasures and preserving their good looks, but most of all, seizing control of all they desire, namely worlds which would entitle them to steal more treasures and conquer more worlds.



SC276: ...OK, I know I’ve used OCs to help me work through my own issues, but I had the decency to make those OCs the main characters so they at least had a plot arc. ...Also, once again, Mykan creates another planet entirely of villains.



Long before Lightning’s arrival on Unicornicopia,



SC276: Wasn’t he born there?



Starfleet engaged in war with these loathsome creatures, and managed to defeat many of them and force the rest into surrender, but Sapphira refused to give in. She battled with Grand Ruler, and after a fierce fight, Sapphira was arrested, but as she was being taken to prison, she pulled one last trick up her sleeve and disappeared through a warp vortex right before the guards’ eyes.



SC276: That was their own fault, given she needed her hands to activate her warp bauble. And that they didn’t confiscate that in the first place.



Grand Ruler had not seen it, and was not certain of their claims at first.



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “It’s not like the guards are actually competent or anything.”



Starfleet searched, and searched but were unable to find any possible leads to where Sapphira had gone. So he spent years researching chronicles obtained from every corner of the galaxy he and his team had visited to that point. “And I suddenly had a lead. Follow me.”



SC276: If they wind up on her home planet, I’m going to reach through the screen and smack this story.



Grand Ruler, led them all to the royal library, and opened a magical safe whereas a single tome lay on a cushion on a stone pillar. “What is it?” asked Starla.



Dark Angel: It’s the Necronomicon.

SC276: It’s where all the extra commas are coming from.



“This ancient chronicle…” Grand Ruler said “It has been in my possession since the earliest days of Unicornicopia, and during my many expeditions across our dimensional universe it has been filled with many tales and myths told by other races.



SC276: [Lightning] “So, it’s your diary.” [Grand Ruler] “No, it’s not.” [Lightning] “It clearly sounds like-” [Grand Ruler] “I AM A MAN.”



One of them depicts of another whole universe that exists outside of our own.”



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “One where the characters are more than vessels for long badly-written action scenes.” [Lightning] “Impossible!”



The ponies and Krysta gazed in shock, but not deeply as it was often alleged that their universe did exist outside that of another, and there was a possibility that others existed as well. Just nobody had ever seen them before as no one had ever been able to venture beyond any such boundaries.



SC276: And this is why you don’t think about the dimension / planet thing in these fics.



“That must be where Sapphira and the Rainbow Rod are now.” said Lightning.



“Yes, Lightning…” agreed his master



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “That specific one.”



“And obviously it is where Sapphira has been hiding all these decades, for the chronicles also say that only two known possible gateways to that alternate universe exist.” he held up Sapphira’s pendant “This jewel is obviously one of the two sources.



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “Which is why I emphasized that just now.”



I don’t know what the other gate is or even where it is, but one thing is certain; it proves that the stories of the other universe are not myths.”



Silence followed as everyone felt their minds going crazy



Dark Angel: Finally, a story that explains exactly what the readers are experiencing.



with astonishment, and then Lightning stepped forward. “Master, I must go there.”



“WHAT?!” all his friends exclaimed.



“I have to!” snapped Lightning.



SC276: [Lightning] “The plot mandates it!”



“I’ve got to get the Rainbow Rod back. Even if Sapphira doesn’t have it, she’s bound to go looking for it, and even still you saw what she did with it.



RJ: [Lightning] She gripped the shaft, stroked the length like she knew what she was doing, and nearly had all the power pent up inside the rod come splurting on out!



The command-seal has been broken. That means anyone could hold that rod and there’s no telling what might happen. Master, you’ve got to let me do this.”



SC276: And in true Mykan fashion, he is directly ripping the plot from an MLP:FiM animated thing.



Grand Ruler nodded “Yes, yes Lightning, you are right, but just I hope you realize what you are getting into.”



“Well go with you, Lightning.” Buddy Rose said.



SC276: Why is a well going with him? There’s gonna be drinking fountains.



“Sure.” added Artie “Sounds like a really cool place.”



“There will be much to see and explore.

Who knows what could be in store?” said Rhymey.



Dark Angel: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!



The twins nodded in excitement, but Grand Ruler said “No! The rest of you shall stay here.”



Lightning’s friends were shocked, “But, sire, why?” asked Starla.



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “Because only one pony went to the other dimension in the source material. Also, believing and shit.”



“No one knows exactly who or what Lightning will encounter in the new universe. Sending him there is already risky enough. There is no sense in sending you all and risking your lives as well.”



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “Oh right, and this is during the main story somehow as well, so there’s that too.”



Lightning gazed at his friends and said “It’ll be alright. I’ve been going on dangerous adventures long before I met any of you. I know how to survive.”



“But Lightning, what if you’re wrong?” asked Dyno. “Si, what if you run into some sort of danger you can’t handle yourself?” added Myte.



SC276: He’ll just run into the human versions of you. He’ll be fine.



Lightning’s mind was already made up. The Rainbow Rod was entrusted to him; it was his responsibility to take care of it. “I have to do this, and there’s no time to argue.” He then turned to his master “How do I get to this universe?”



This was something even Grand Ruler didn’t know.



SC276: Bullshit.



“The chronicles do not say how this magic is used. Send for Professor Brain



Topher: Please tell me that a later fic teams that guy up with Pinkie!



and Abra Kadabra,



Dark Angel: Is there anything this story won’t bullshit?



they should be able to help.”



…



Before long, Professor Brain and Abra were at the palace and studying and examining the jewel. Brain, being a scientist, and Abra being a magician and an expert on magic, managed to figure out how to summon the portal to the other world.



SC276: Because we have to keep the plot moving.



“Satisfactory! Most Satisfactory.” said Brain.



SC276: I was wondering when you’d show up.



“I must say, this is astonishing.” added Abra “I’ve studied all sorts of magic and never come across anything such as this.”



“Well, if our calculations are correct, we should be able to produce a portal suitable enough.” said Brain.



SC276: Even though they’ve never seen it before and I think they’ve only been working for like five minutes.

Topher: Hey, you’d be surprised what can be done with a last-ditch all nighter!



While they completed their setups, Lightning was preparing for immediate departure. “Are you okay, Lightning…?” asked Starla.



“Oh, sure, considering I’ve never been so nervous and excited in my life.”



SC276: Author, he’s going to another dimension, not losing his virginity.



The others still didn’t feel it was fair that he had to go alone, especially Krysta, who seemed more nervous than the rest of them.



SC276: [Krysta] “Who’s going to be your dog?!”



Grand Ruler had something to give to Lightning. “I want you take this with you…” he said as he fit a special pendant around Lightning’s neck on a long string. “It is my hope you will not need to use this, but when the times comes you will know what it does and what it is for.”



SC276: [Grand Ruler] “I’m not telling you now because I am a dick.”

Dark Angel: [Grand Ruler] “You know, because you have psychic abilities and stuff. After all, you’re not Gary Stu enough.”

RJ: [Lightning] Why is it ticking? [Grand Ruler] DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT. You’ll understand when it’s time.



Trusting in his master’s words, just like every other time, Lightning tucked the pendant under his clothes. “I wonder what it’ll be like there?” he wondered aloud. He knew his initial mission was to find the Rainbow Rod, and if need be, defeat Sapphira, but this was, however, a great expedition he was leading. “What will I find? What will it be like?”



RJ: [Lightning] Will they have a Taco Johns?





His master patted his shoulder “You are a strong, and courageous pony. I have faith in you, and so does everyone. Whatever comes your way, I know you'll be fine."



SC276: [Lightning] “...That doesn’t answer any of my questions-” [Grand Ruler] “I don’t actually bloody know, OK?!”



Lightning felt flattered.



SC276: I think you mean flattened. (drops a 16-ton weight on Lightning, only for it to bounce off and hit him instead) Damn this fourth wall...



One-by-one, Lightning’s friends bid him a farewell and good luck, especially Starla who gave him a long peck on the cheek for good luck.



Topher: Her vicious beak left a gaping wound in his face.



Lightning’s face turned red “Thanks Starla.”



“It is time to go.” Grand Ruler said. “Is everything ready, Professor?”



“Yes, your majesty.” said Brain, and he gave Lightning the jewel pendant. He was to keep on him at all times.



SC276: Yeah, that’ll keep.



All he had to do to activate it was hold it gently in his fingers and rub it either in the sunlight, or the light of the moon in either universe,



SC276: One, “moonlight;” and two, that’s technically still sunlight.



it would take him to the other universe, and back from the point where he first left.



“I understand.” Lightning said.



SC276: We don’t. Can someone capable of clear communication translate that?



“Good.” said Brain “However, there is one vital part of information I must warn you of.”



SC276: Piece. The term is “piece of information.” Do you not say your bloody text out loud?



He was referring to how the jewel was badly cracked and faded. “It’s losing power?” Lightning asked.



“Slowly but surely.” replied Brain “If my calculations are accurate, in exactly… um… I make it, 720 hours from now, the space-warp gateways will be closed, and you will not be able to reopen them.”



“What he means is…” Abra cut in “If you don’t come back within thirty days, you may never return at all.”



SC276: *runs the math* ...OK, Mykan, you can type into Google, big deal. That is still way too precise a number and way too precise a measurement for something they only just now saw.



Everyone felt shivers run up their spines “…Galloping galaxies!”



Topher: Well someone’s watched BraveStar. Or more likely at least Silver Quill’s review of it.

Ferret: Bullshit, that’s loads of time. If we assume that he can fight about one monster of the day per, uh, day, and there’s thirteen per season, plus three episodes of filler and another day for the finale...he’s fine!



Lightning cried. Now he felt more nervous than before, but he still intended to go. He stood in the middle of the great hall where the sun shined brightly through the windows and rubbed the jewel as he was told.



SC276: He’s not going to actually say he’s going anyway or he’ll be fine or anything? Y’know, like the cartoon cliché he is would do?



Everyone could feel the winds picking up, inside, and the vortex appeared. Everyone gazed at it in awe at its swirling and glowing.



Lightning turned to gaze at his friends one last time and saluted to them all. They all saluted back at him and he started to dash straight for the vortex. “Good luck my brave pony.” Grand Ruler muttered,



SC276: Half a title drop, take half a shot. Also, you’re seeing him off on a dangerous mission and can’t be bothered to speak properly?



but poor little Krysta was shaking so nervously and zipped after him. “Wait for me!”



SC276: Should’ve guessed he couldn’t just cut the dog. He doesn’t have the creative chops to remove character places.



“KRYSTA!!” the others shouted, but she had already followed Lightning inside and the vortex had sealed.



…



Lightning and Krysta felt themselves swirling and tumbling through a tunnel of wacky swirling colors and lights, and suddenly… everything went dark!



SC276: DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!

Ferret: So it’s one of those portals from Spyro?



Authors Notes:



The song Lightning sings is my own creation.



SC276: Wait, when did Lightning sing?



It is neither a copy nor parody of the one Twilight sang on her first day, and isn't even sung to the same music.



Fallen Prime: If you require a disclaimer to insist that, it’s too close.

SC276: Wait, is this author note the header for the next chapter? Ring, you need to separate chapters better. The fic’s already going to be confusing enough without improper riff formatting.



ACT TWO





“… Lightning…!



RJ: Bolt!



Lightning…!”



RJ: Bolt! … god, I’m such a geek.



Lightning could hear Krysta’s voice echoing in the dark. He slowly opened his eyes and his vision became clear to find himself lying on the grass near a pond of a city-park. “Krysta, I thought you were told to--” he stopped when he noticed “Krysta? Are you a…a robin?”



Dark Angel: Seriously…They had to copy the movie that much? There’s something that everyone should have. It’s called an imagination. USE IT!!!

SC276: She became one of the smaller birds in the northern hemisphere, one that can only win a fight with large numbers? How’s she supposed to be any use then? She can’t lift a freakin’ boulder like this.

Topher: She can still lift a coconut, that could be useful.

Ferret: That’s a swallow, Topher.

Topher: DAMN!



Krysta gazed at herself, and flapped her wings and ruffled her feathers. “Sure looks like it, but never mind me, look at you.”



Lightning gazed at his reflection on the pond and was he ever surprised. His golden horn, his wings, his tail; all were gone. He had turned into a complete and total human-creature.



SC276: Mykan already put you halfway there anyway. This is just the final push.



His head and face looked different, his skin was even a different color-- a kind of yellowish peach--



SC276: Um, the human counterparts of ponies keep the skin color.

Ferret: Why not brown, you racist?



and even his clothing was different. In place of his patrol uniform he now wore a white T-Shirt with his Starfleet insignia and code on the front,



SC276: Still say that’s a stupid shirt.



and over it he wore a black track jacket with matching pants with white sneakers, and the pendants were still round his neck and tucked behind his shirt.



“Galloping Galaxies!” he peeped softly.



SC276: Don’t you have any other exclamations of surprise in that throat of yours?

Topher: I vote we cut it open and check!



Both he and Krysta were astonished, but not nearly as astonished as they gazed around where they were. “What kind of place is this?” Krysta, Lightning didn’t answer. As well as the park he could see tall buildings all around him and suburban areas too. “It’s just like Unicornicopia only… it isn’t.”



SC276: [Krysta] “What are all these hairless monkeys walking around? Did the zoo have a breakout or something?”



At the exit gate to the park they read the sign over it; “Mystic Island Central Park.”



SC276: There’s probably not a one-to-one ratio between equivalent locations, given a mirror in the Crystal Empire lead to Canterlot High. That said, everywhere in Unicornicopia is named after a color. What is this Mystic Island shit?



This at least told them where they were, on a very large island big enough to hold a few large cites, farmlands, suburbs; just about everything.



SC276: What makes you so sure there’s other cities? Catalina Island only has one one settlement, and it’s decently sizable. I think. Still need to go there… Point is, the only reason he would have thought of that sort of description is if he was describing a continent as if foreign to him, which means that Unicornicopia has no oceans.



It was all so incredibly breathtaking, Lightning had almost completely forgotten about his mission.



SC276: Were we only so lucky.



He only had thirty days, but he didn’t even know where to start looking for Sapphira or the Rainbow Rod.



SC276: Especially since both ends of the portal aren’t set in place like with the mirror, so when you inevitably go back, you will probably wind up back in Grand Ruler’s place because it’s this author.



“Well, we won’t find anything just standing around here. Let’s take a look around.”



Krysta agreed, but she wasn’t used to flying in new form. She also found she had lost her super strength and any magic she had,



SC276: As well as her arms. That’s an important thing.



but Lightning still had his super speed, strength and skills,



Dark Angel: Because of course he has to be better than Twilight as a human as well.



he just couldn’t fly or do magic,



SC276: He couldn’t do magic before. Half his gimmick is not being able to do magic.



and having always been a humanoid type creature, he was used to his new body. So Krysta perched herself on Lightning’s shoulder, and Lightning dashed off into town, checking out all the new sights as he sang a song in his mind.



SC276: Because singing is exactly what soldiers in an unfamiliar world do.



He even stopped at a few places and danced to the music.



SC276: Dancing is exactly what soldiers in an unfamiliar world do too.



Everything seems so familiar

but it feels so strange and new.

Everybody seems so peculiar

Look at all the things they do

They haven’t got magic and don’t use wings



Topher:[Applejack and Pinkie] Well, boo fucking hoo!

Ferret: Hey, that actually works!



They just walk and talk on their way

Are they even aware of the many things,

…of all the danger they’re in and what’s coming their way?



What a strange place-- where could my Rainbow Rod be?



Topher: Have you checked your pants?



There is no trace-- time is running very shortly

All across space-- I’ll continue my journey,

…in this strange new world!





Some people even caught quick glimpses of Lightning leaping long ways across the rooftops and wondered if they were just seeing things.



Lord Shaxx: [Lightning] Oh, don't mind me, just ignore the singing freak doing parkour.



I don’t know where to go

I haven’t a clue



Topher: Clearly.



I’ll search high and low

But what can I do

There is evil at foot,



Topher: [Lightning] Eww! I stepped in an evil!

Ferret: Watson, the evil is afoot!



and the people don’t know

Of the horrors and trouble they’re in

I can’t let it happen… I won’t let… No!

If I try and somehow I just know that I’ll win



What a strange place-- where could my Rainbow Rod be?



Topher: Did you check your- wait...



There is no trace-- time is running very shortly

All across space-- I’ll continue my journey…

…in this strange world…!



I know it’s here, or is it there,

I find somehow… somewhere…!



What a strange place-- where could my Rainbow Rod be?



Topher: I guess nobody ever gave him the talk.



There is no trace-- time is running very shortly

All across space-- I’ll continue my journey…

…in this strange new world!



This strange new world!



SC276: ...Mykan, you’re Mykan. If it wasn’t the same music, you would’ve linked it.



As the song ended, Lightning was so lost in his thoughts at the sights and discoveries, that he wasn’t paying attention to where he was going,



SC276: Pretty sure he didn’t do that anyway.



and didn’t see he ran clean out into a lonely road as a car came down the way.



SC276: It was a police officer come to investigate sightings of a guy jumping on rooftops and singing.



The driver, wasn’t paying much attention either as she fiddle with some papers on her seat,



Dark Angel: The car then crashed into Lightning and killed him. The end.

RJ: On the left! On the left! DICKWEED!



but she looked up just in time and slammed hard on the breaks.



Lord Shaxx: Thus breaking the breaks. They're meant to break, after all.



The car tires screeched as they skidded along. Lightning quickly rolled out of the way, but the car skidded right into the bushes just a bit off the road.



Krysta perched herself on a tree branch. “…Uh, oh!” she peeped.



“Galloping Galaxies!” grumbled Lightning.



SC276: A catchphrase isn’t a character, author.

Topher: Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, SC?



The driver of the car emerged-- a tall skinny woman with voluminous, multicolored striped hair,



SC276: Sunnava bitch, it’s another Mary Sue.



and she didn’t seem very happy. Lightning tried to apologize politely, but the woman snarled at him “You crazy kid! You shouldn’t run wild like that in the road.”



Lightning didn’t like her angry tone. “I said I was sorry!” he snapped at her



SC276: No you didn’t. We just saw you not say that.

Ferret: Why are you PMSing, Lightning? She’s the one who just got her car fucked up!



“Maybe you should watch where you’re going!”



Krysta wanted to fly in-between the two and get them to calm down, but Lightning had previously told her to let him handle things, and that birds didn’t talk in this world and would probably cause trouble.



Dark Angel: And he knows this how?

SC276: Good question, given he spent the last several minutes just singing to himself with no setting description.



The woman clenched her fists, but realized he was right and she wasn’t paying attention. “That’s still no excuse. Now my car is stuck, and you could’ve been killed.” she barked



SC276: Again, interquel.



“Anyway; what are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be in school?”



Lightning felt confused “School, Me?”



RJ: (singing) He don’t need no education...





“Oh, I see; you’re playing hooky.”



“I most certainly am not.



SC276: [Lightning] “I don’t even have any dice.”

Topher: [Lightning] “And where would I get the mallets?



What are you the truant officer?”



“No! I happen to be a high school prin--” but before the lady could answer, Lightning had approached her trapped car.



SC276: Dude, don’t be rude. She’s still talking to you.



“What are you doing now?” the lady asked. “Stand back please.” Lightning said,



“What are you--?”



“Please, stand back!” growled Lightning. The lady scowled but did as she was asked and saw, to her astonishment, she watched Lightning pull that half-ton automobile, actually dragging it out from the bushes and back onto the road.



SC276: Why did he get to keep his super-strength again? And why does he even have super-strength in the first place?!



Lightning rubbed his hands, but the lady just stood where she was with her eyes and mouth open wide.



“Well!” Lightning said. The lady snapped out of her gawking. “You… You…” she stuttered “That’s impossible. You can’t have done that.”



SC276: The lady’s talking sense!



Lightning felt a little insulted. “I can, and I just did, right in front of you.” He was really starting to lose his patience.



SC276: You’re losing patience? You walked out in the middle of a conversation!

Ferret: Okay, now I think Lightning really is PMSing. Did he lose his “Rainbow Rod” and get a “Magic Portal” in its place?



“But… a boy you’re age and size, it simple isn’t possible to just lift a half-ton vehicle like that.”



Ferret: I’m pretty sure most cars weigh at least one ton, but whatever.



“Oh, and expert on fitness, and on welfare it seems.” Lightning said sternly. He had tried to be polite, but this woman was just impossible, and now he was really letting his anger lash out.



SC276: Mykan, stop projecting.



The lady tried to protest “I was just pointing out my opinion, not to mention informing you of your dangerous acts in the street.”



Dark Angel: It’s too bad he didn’t get hit by the car.



“My dangerous acts…? Well, maybe I like running wild in the street, and maybe you should learn to be a better driver. Did that ever occur to you?”



Dark Angel: Wow, Lightning is a real jerk.



The lady tried to protest but Lightning spoke right to her face “…and in any case, how I behave, and wherever I go is frankly none of your concern!



SC276: It is her concern when you walk out right in front of her car!



Now, I’ve pulled your car out, so be so kind as to take it and leave before I really get angry and throw it back!”



SC276: Not before we do! (dives for the car, but bounces off) Damn that fourth wall!



The woman scoffed and angrily marched into the car, and it wouldn’t move. She started the engine, hit the gas, but the car wouldn’t move. “Well, I hope you’re happy. When you dragged my care you seemed to have broken--”



“…Try switching it to “drive”!”



Dark Angel: Again, how would he know how a car works?



The realized she was still geared in “Park”



Dark Angel: First, how is it that she’s that stupid? And second, why was the car even in park if it was in an accident?



what with all the commotion and vexation she really didn’t pay attention, and soon she was on her way and out of Lightning’s sight.



SC276: The problem with projecting here is that in real life, Mykan’s usually wrong.



Krysta flew out of the tree and onto Lightning’s shoulder “Wow, that went well.” she said, and Lightning did feel a little regretful for barking off like that, but he didn’t like that woman’s attitude, or frankly anyone who tried to boss him around and tell him what to do without honest reason.



SC276: If you don’t like being told what to do, why are you in the military?



He wasn’t about to let anyone push him around or get in the way of his mission. “Don’t worry, Krysta. We won’t have to deal with her anymore.



SC276: Yeah, right.



Let’s go.”



As they continued to move around town they came no closer to finding any clues to even getting any clues of where the Rainbow Rod or Sapphira were.



SC276: [Lightning] “Granted, I have no actual idea of what to look for. Also, everyone I talk to makes me angry.”



Lightning sat on a bench to rest his feet for a bit, but soon the sun was starting to set. “Where are we going to stay?” asked Krysta.



“Well, they have hotels here. I guess that’ll have to do.” Lightning said.



SC276: [Lightning] “I’m too important for a motel, even though it’d be cheaper.”



His stomach growled too “I hope it has a restaurant. I’m famished.”



SC276: I’m hungry for a decent fic. Also, if a hotel is fancy enough to have its own restaurant and not just a lobby-place where they lay out a breakfast buffet, it’s most certainly out of your pay range.



There was a hotel just down the street, and they did allow pets to be brought in,



SC276: Just get a place that has a tree outside the window. She’ll be fine.



but when Lightning tried to check in at the front desk, he was asked to pay the fee



SC276: No, fees are small service charges. You’re talking about the bill.



and handed the desk-clerk a few small yellow coins from his pocket, which the clerk did not acknowledge as real money. “Is this some sort of joke, young man?” the stern man asked.



SC276: The fic is.



“Joke?” asked Lightning “You asked me to pay, and I paid.”



The man rudely passed Lightning his coins back and told him to leave the premises. “No, I won’t!” snapped Lightning “I paid for a room fair and square. This is the only kind of money I have!”



SC276: Oh my god, for a soldier, he’s so freakin’ inflexible. He throws a temper tantrum the the moment he hits any resistance, like a stubborn child. Or his author.



The man called for security to come and escort the young man away, but before the big men could get near him…



SC276: “Oh no, the big men are coming for me! SAVE YOURSELVES!”



“…Hold it!” shouted a voice from the front-door,



Dark Angel: there in the doorway stood Phoenix Wright. [Phoenix Wright] “Take that! …Objection!”

SC276: This fic is objectionable!



and all went dead quiet in the room as everyone who it was, but Lightning and Krysta could hardly believe their eyes! “Could it be?” Lightning murmured. A tall man stood at the door, wearing a white suit, and a black tie, a red cape and holding a walking stick.



SC276: Who wears a cape except pretentious asses in this day and age?!

RJ: Ah, the local pimp will help Lightning out.



His hair was dyed a very darkish blue.



SC276: Mykan doesn’t know that all those hair colors in Equestria Girls were natural, does he.



He approached the desk clerk, who gazed at the man very nervously. “M… Mist… Mr. Grandruler, sir.”



SC276: That is the stupidest last name I ever heard. The guy has a real name, like… Celestio or something. Use that. Use the real name.

Topher: I seriously had to walk away and stop riffing for a moment when I read that.



Lightning and Krysta exchanged gawking expressions. “He looks just like…” Lightning said, and Krysta nodded in astonishing agreement.



“What’s all the trouble, here?” Grandruler asked. The desk clerk explained how the young man was trying to trick him with phony money.



Dark Angel: [Lightning] “No, you misunderstand. It’s not phony money, it’s pony money.”



Grandruler gazed at the young man. “What’s your name, son?”



Topher: Five bucks says Lightning really is his son.



“Lightning Dawn, sir. This is my pet robin, Krysta.”



SC276: Honestly now, who has a pet robin?

Ferret: Make her a parrot or a cockatiel at least! Those are well cooler than a fucking robin!



“May I see your money please?”



Lightning handed him his bag of coins and Grandruler and examined it closely. He almost looked very surprised, but then he turned angrily to the desk clerk and scolded him “I can’t believe, you of all people turning down real gold!”



Topher: [Clerk] Sir, do you know anything about metallurgy?

[Grandruler] GOLD!

[Clerk] I’m pretty sure those are chocolate.

[Grandruler] GOOOOLD!

[Clerk] Sir, the kid just pulled out another one and ate it!

[Grandruler] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!

Ferret: So, he’s the bad guy from Pocahontas?

SC276: ~It’s mine, mine, mine for the taking! It’s mine, boys, mine me that gold!~



Many gasps came from the people.



SC276: That were apparently in the background observing all this.



“…Gold?”



“Where did this kid get gold?”



SC276: [background human] “What’s the current exchange rate for that again?”



Lightning felt every eye in the lobby staring at him. Grandruler gazed at Lightning, and could tell just by looking at him that he had no home, no family, and was pretty much lost.



SC276: [Grandruler] “You do indeed look completely pathetic.”



“Come with me. I will help you find what you are looking for.”



Lightning assumed he was talking about the Rainbow Rod,



SC276: Oh my god, he’s so stupid.



and even still, this man who uncannily looked like his real teacher, Lightning decided to follow him; if it was a trap he could always fight his way out.



SC276: Yeah, right.

Ferret: You couldn’t find you way out of a one-door stable.



Grandruler didn’t even mind him bringing his pet bird.



Dark Angel: After all, a bird pooping on you is considered as good luck.



Outside, a white limousine was waiting, and soon they were off.



Topher: As a more high class predator, Grand Ruler had forgone the traditional spray paint in favor of having “free candy” written in a fine, flowery script using oils on the side of the limo.



On the way, Grandruler told Lightning more about himself-- Captain Celesto Grandruler; millionaire, business-man, ex-astronaut. He flew on many space missions, was one of the last men to walk on the moon, and served aboard the international space station.



SC276: ~He’s a rocket-maaaaaaaaaan, rocket-maaaaaaaan!~

Topher: Still better than Shatner.

Ferret: These days, he mostly did brain surgery, racecar driving, and piloting advanced fighter jets.



“Space station…?” Lightning asked in confusion.



Grandruler raised an eyebrow feeling confuse “Yes, you know, a space station?”



Lightning shook his head. “Are they anything like Starfleet outposts?”



“Uh… Star… fleet… outposts?” asked Grandruler.



“Uh… never mind.” Lightning said.



SC276: He literally can’t tell what this universe’s equivalent of a Starfleet outpost is just because the name’s different?! This guy is so rigid, my nine-year-old self is a piece of paper in comparison!



Grandruler continued to explain that, after the tragic and unexpected death of his parents,



SC276: [Grandruler] “They were killed by the author so I could have a tragic backstory.”

Ferret: [Grandruler] “I took them to visit the moon, but I forgot to bring the extra spacesuits.”



he retired from his career at the space institution, and dedicated his life to helping the less fortunate.



SC276: “No! I’m too rich to die! I never even got the chance to get old and turn to philanthropy in a desperate attempt to be remembered as a great person!



He owned many of the buildings around Canterlot City, including the hotel they were just at, but his best hobby was seeking out poor street wanderers and helping give them hope, and punish those who were ill-mannered and caused trouble.



Dark Angel: So he helps those who are good to try and escape this fic, while the ill-mannered have no chance of leaving?

Topher: I like him already!

Ferret: So he’s just Batman, then.



Lightning and Krysta felt this man, though not really the Grand Ruler they knew, was just like him in many, many ways; with a heart



Dark Angel: …and wallet…



of gold and lots of understanding for those in need.



SC276: And debatably slightly closer to being more accurate as Mykan’s avatar than actual Grand Ruler on the basis of being human.



Soon, they arrived at his grand-manor on near a side of the island,



SC276: That sentence had a stroke partway through.

Topher: Quick, Lightning! To the grand-manor! We’ll take the grand-mobile!



overlooking the sea, and away from all the hustling-bustling noises and crowdedness of the city.



Krysta was placed in a bird house in the garden greenhouse where other birds flocked around and lived, and she ate what all the other birds were fed; seeds, nuts, berries, which she didn’t actually mind. “Think any of you could get me so salt?” she asked the other birds, but they didn’t even look at her as they couldn’t understand her. “…Never mind.”



SC276: We’ll be lucky to see her again.



Lightning ate with Grandruler in his dining hall where he was treated to a warm supper prepared by his chef, whom Lightning compared to as Cookie Dough,



Topher: Well, he’s a little overweight, but I wouldn’t call him doughy.



but he did his best not to make a big deal. “This world is getting stranger and more mysterious all the time.” he thought to himself,



SC276: “Mysterious” only arises from being well-written.

Ferret: Retardeder and retardeder...



and he also wondered if maybe, just maybe everyone he knew from his world had doubles of themselves in this world?



“Tell me, Lightning, what brings you hear to Mystic Island?” Grandruler asked.



SC276: When I see that name, I keep thinking of Misty Island from Thomas & Friends. Honestly, Bash, Dash, and Ferdinand could only improve this. One biff, one bash, and this fic is a crash!

Ferret: Oh god, the rhyme has infected him! Quick, the flamethrower!

SC276: Chill, dude. Put that thing to me and I’ll show you real fireworks.



“Uh… well you see…” Lightning wasn’t quite sure how to explain, but ultimately decided to come clean.



SC276: Probably doesn’t know how to lie. That would require character.



“Actually, I’m a genetically altered pony creature from the planet Unicornicopia, and an officer of an intergalactic defense force called Starfleet. I was sent here by my king and mentor, The Grand Ruler. My mission is to retrieve a powerful weapon that was stolen from me by an evil sorceress, who intends to use the stolen weapon to conquer this world,



SC276: [Lighting] “Or at least that’s my assumption and I have no idea which world...”



and I have less than thirty days to do so, or I’ll be trapped here in this world forever.”



SC276: And why couldn’t we just have that instead of the… entire first act?



Grandruler just gazed at him awkwardly.



RJ: Lightning didn’t notice. It’s how most people usually stared at him.



“I… see…” he simply said, but obviously he didn’t believe a single word of it, for he was a serious man



SC276: Why so serious?

Topher: [Grandruler] In hindsight, maybe bringing the person I found throwing a fit over a make-believe currency in my hotel into my house was a mistake.



who didn’t really believe in such paraphernalia,



SC276: Um, “paraphernalia” refers to miscellaneous articles and things in a greater group, basically a fancier et cetera when referring to material nouns.



having actually been in space many times there had so been no proof or even remote sightings of such things.



SC276: Glad to know we’re not the only ones that think the narrative makes no sense.

Topher: Yes, but did he check under the space-couch? He might have found some there. Otherwise, yeah that doesn’t exist anywhere in the universe.



“I’m telling you the truth.” Lightning said “Your world as you know it could very well be on the verge of grave danger.”



“Yes, I’m sure it is.” Grandruler said, still not believing Lightning and thinking that he just had an overactive imagination; a typical reaction to orphans who had been on their own a long time, they would just make stories up.



SC276: Gheeze, being an orphan around here must suck.



“Tell me, have you ever been to school before?”



Lightning felt insulted “I was homeschooled by my teacher, the Grand Ruler.”



Grandruler decided he had heard enough,



SC276: And so have I. (attempts to stand up to walk out, but remembers he glued himself to the seat) Damn me.

Topher: What on earth made you think that was a good idea?

SC276: You think I would’ve been able to get through this otherwise?



and it was late anyway. Grandruler thought it best Lightning get some rest, for he was planning to enroll him in high-school, to help set him back on the right track.



SC276: Convenient how he automatically assumes high school. And convenient how Mykan’s “summary” style always skips the important parts of the dialogue.



Lightning would have protested, but decided there was no point in arguing anymore. Grandruler didn’t believe him, and it wouldn’t make sense to annoy the kind man who was putting him up



SC276: I believe you mean “putting up with him.”



and giving him food and shelter.



RJ: Just smile and nod Lightning, and let your new sugar daddy do whatever he wants.



He was given a nice room and was told to get plenty of sleep, as he assured him he would be off to school in the morning.



Topher: No need to sign up for classes or enroll or gather supplies, just walk in and you’re good!



“It’s for your own good. Now, if you need anything, just ring for my servants.



SC276: [Grandruler] “Despite showing that you’ve got an uncontainable imagination, I am going to assume you’re smart enough to figure out how.”



Good night, Lightning.”



“Good night, your majesty.”



“What was that?”



“Sorry, force of habit.”



Grandruler shrugged



SC276: He’s already done with this shit.



and then shut the door. Lightning fell onto his bed. “Great! Some first day on the job this turned out to be.” he groaned to himself.



SC276: You’re the one throwing a temper tantrum, being rude, and showing that you are overall unable to comprehend how actual dimension-hopping works. You got no one to blame but yourself and your author.



Just then, he heard a tapping on the window; it was Krysta. He opened the window. “Well, how did it go?”



“I told him everything, he doesn’t believe me, and now he’s sending me to some high-school in the morning.”



“What?!” snapped Krysta “That ridiculous. You don’t need to go to school. You already know a ton of things.”



SC276: Not the way he’s been acting.



“Now, hold on a minute.” Lightning said “Maybe this can help after all. Maybe I can learn a little more about this world or even this island, it’ll help me search for clues, and maybe I can get some people to help me.”



SC276: [Lightning] “Maybe I could get some leads by talking to people without insulting them.”



Krysta agreed it was worth the shot, and she promised to help Lightning.



Lord Shaxx: She also promised to actually put in dialogue for this part of their conversation. She had her wings crossed.



She would fly all around the island and report back to him of anything she would find that would help them gain leads.



SC276: Any actual leads she finds, though, she could keep to herself.



“Good idea.” Lightning said. With their plans settled they bid each other good night, and Krysta flew back to the bird sanctuary in the greenhouse.



SC276: [Krysta] “Any fly-by searches can wait until after I finish sleeping off all the nonsense I’ve gone through today.”



Author's Notes:



Keep in mind, all this is happening long before Twilight had her adventure in the human world.



SC276: What does that have to do with… anything?



Who knows how all the people she met started out (I can pretty much do anything)



Lord Shaxx: Yes, everything except write a good story.

SC276: How about as Twilight first met them? Especially since I know the cliques were established as being fairly good at keeping themselves together before song-and-dance-of-friendship. Maybe that’ll keep them from becoming one-dimensional cardboard cutouts that you keep turning canons into!





* * *





RingmasterJ5: Here we are with more of Mykan’s incredibly dumb take on Equestria Girls. Seeing as only one editor got through the last part, I’m leaving it up to him to explain what’s going on here for those just joining in.

SC276: Hi, I’m the aforementioned editor. So, previously on Starfleet What the Hell, we got treated to a framing device that draws from the part of this series that I haven’t read, one-sided battles against ill-defined enemies, a crystal lady whose ego is probably as fragile as her body, a diary passed as an important tome, and the main character being as unable to handle reality as his author. I think that’s about the important stuff. There’s clearer chapter separators this time, right?

RingmasterJ5: Sort of.

SC276: Thank you. ...I actually didn’t that much in mind to say, I thought I wouldn’t be doing this.

RingmasterJ5: Well, it’s two hours before the update and Fallen’s nowhere to be found, and since none of the other editors I’m Steam friends with even touched it, you’ll have to do.

SC276: Good to know I have a role of importance. Anyways, if you don’t have anything else to say, shall we cut to the chase? Or the… terrible fanfic, one of the two.

RingmasterJ5: Of course. Without further ado, part two of “My Brave Pony: Starfleet Humans”. Let’s hope more than two people finish it this time.

SC276: I’ll put up some motivational posters.

Something: *drops in from the sky* Hello.

Scarlet: *pops out from behind something* And I’m new, so this is nothing!

Sigma: And I’m another guy. My keyboard is ready, but I am not.

Dark Angel: Before we start… *vomits* …okay, I’m ready.

Trekker: I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?



ACT THREE



SC276: OK, I think Act One was the battle on the peaceful planet where the MacGuffin got stolen, Act Two was Lightning Dawn’s arrival and subsequent song and temper tantrums, so… if this is anything like Shakespeare, we only have two acts to go after this.



The next morning, Lightning was dressed up



SC276: [Lightning] “Um, dare I ask why you have so many outfits in my size just lying around?”

Scarlet: Narrative convenience, of course! When the author can’t be assed to think of the implications of their actions!

Topher: [Grandruler] “Oh, the outfits? What? No reason!” [Lightning] “Uh…” [Grandruler] “STAY OUTTA MY CLOSET!”

Dark Angel: [Lightning] *wakes up* “What am I doing wearing a dress?”

Trekker: Shit, it’s Cloud’s crossdressing scene all over again.



and was on his way in with Grandruler.



Something: OH NO NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN! *leaves*

SC276: ...I see the “get someone besides me to the end of this” plan is off to a great start.



Lightning was very nervous because he hadn’t been to a real school since he was a little colt.



Dark Angel: Or in a good fic since………

RJ: Back when he was riding the short bus.

Scarlet: I presume during his teenage years he attended a fake school made from paper-mache.

Topher: As a short bus veteran, There is no bus short enough for this guy.



He had attended preschool on his home planet, Harmonious,



Topher: My guess is that it’s located in the same solar system as Alderaan, Namek, and Vulcan; I don’t have high hopes for this planet’s survival.

Trekker: (on the phone) Yes, Captain Janeway, I need you to blow up a planet by the name of Harmonious...



before it was destroyed, but all his real education and training was all privately taught to him by Grand Ruler on Unicornicopia.



RJ: Unicornicopia! Cows, college, and contentment.

Scarlet: One wonders exactly what Grand Ruler was teaching him while he was in Kindergarten.

Topher: [Lightning] “He mainly taught me all kinds of special games we can only play when we’re alone!”



Still, he wasn’t willing to turn back, as he was still eager to learn more about the human world. If he was to effectively seek clues to find his Rainbow Rod or Sapphira,



RJ: He’ll need a girl, a stoner, a talking animal, and a bitchin’ sweet ride.

Scarlet: Has anyone seized the low-hanging fruit that is “Rainbow Rod” yet? Anyone?

Topher: I do not want to touch Lightning’s rainbow rod OR his low hanging fruit, thank you very much!

Dark Angel: I have no desire to touch Lightning’s rod.



and fit in with the society around him, he had to become a member of society.



SC276: Which, so far, you’ve done a very terrible job of doing.

Topher: This plan brought to you by the redundant department of redundancy and general pointless repetitions of information already presented.



Already, Grandruler had made arrangements during the night with the school board, which he served as School District Supervisor, and managed to pull a few strings.



SC276: One, I think the actual title is superintendant. Two, the guy runs a hotel chain and the schools? Let me guess, he’s actually mayor too?

RJ: No, town president. Sounds more important.

Ferret: I’d have guessed king.

Topher: Plot twist, the guy is actually a hobo, and everyone’s just humoring him so he doesn’t start shanking the kids at the playground again.



Soon, they arrived at the school, Canterlot High, in the suburban areas on the western part of the island. He owned the school and ran it as supervisor.



SC276: Actually, now that I think about it, with all the different institutions this guy apparently runs, he’s probably akin to Donald Trump. So he’s not only mayor and owns every business in this town - without anyone from the original movie noticing - he’s running for president and thinks vaccines cause autism. And everyone only knows he exists because he ran a reality game show a decade ago.

Topher: Trump actually believes that vaccines cause autism? Well, as they say in Hungary, FUCK THIS SHIT I’M OUT! *shoots himself in the head*

Trekker: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGp7fe1ZlTQ Sadly, Mykan Insert #2 isn’t as awesome as Trump is.



They were both about to go in when Grandruler’s cell-phone rang; he had to answer to it as it concerned a few business deal issues.



RJ: Is that the reason why his ringtone is “Fuck bitches, get money?”

Scarlet: “What do you mean, ‘nobody is going to want the film rights to this piece of shit’? This is a Mykan story! IT IS A MASTERPIECE!”

Topher: [Grandruler] “Yeah, I got a new one in stock, nice pretty young thing. Found him throwing a fit in my hotel, how much you want for ‘im? He’s got a nice little ass.”



So he told Lightning to on ahead



SC276: [Lightning] “Which head?” [Grandruler] “I don’t care, pick one.”

Topher: [Grandruler] “I have another head I can show you, but we need to go somewhere private first. *creepy pedo noises*”



and he’d join him shortly. “Just walk straight through the front door, and you should meet up with Vice Prinicpal Luna. She’ll take you to Prinicpal Celestia, and by then I should be with you.”



SC276: [Grandruler] “Thus guaranteeing that I will miss the thorough dressing-down you will receive at the hands of the person who you were rude to yesterday and continue to think you’re a saint. Also, spelling words correctly is for poor people.”



Lightning nodded and stepped out of the limo, and his first impressions of the school were fine, it wasn’t all that different from the schools back home.



SC276: On Harmo-whatever or Unicornicopia?

Scarlet: I presume the first. In which case, Canterlot High looks suspiciously like a preschool.

Dark Angel: Actually, Canterlot High is a preschool. It’s only called Canterlot High because all the students are required to be high so that they don’t end up committing suicide from this fic. In fact, that sounds like a good idea. *starts getting high*



“Well, this is it. No turning back now.” he said to himself.



Scarlet: Oh hey, he’s channeling my inner monologue as I begin the riff!

Topher: [Grandruler] “That’s right, don’t turn back. Let me get a good look as you walk away. That’s it, keep walking just like that, put on a show.”

Dark Angel: Excuse me a second… *vomits* …sorry, I thought I got that all out earlier.

Topher: Oh, this is only the beginning.



“Psst…! Lightning, over here.” chirped a little voice. Lightning looked around and could see Krysta in a tree right near him. He walked over to her.



SC276: [Krysta] “Lightning, we’ve been over this: you climbing a tree is not inconspicuous.”

Topher: Oh, yeah! The fairy! I forgot about her.

Trekker: [Lightning] “Krysta, what did you lea-” [Krysta] “REEEEED ROBIN, YUMMM”



“Krysta, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be out looking for leads.”



RJ: [Krysta] There’s old people in the park that do nothing but feed birds all day! It’s AWESOME.

Scarlet: Krysta then dropped several leashes onto the ground and smiled proudly.

Topher: [Grandruler] “It’s like that bird knows exactly what I’m into!”



“I know, but I just wanted to keep my eye on you so I know where to find you.” she gazed at the school and all the students there. “Gee, what a crowd. You sure you’re up to this?”



SC276: Let’s see, the guy who first jumps to condescending rude dialogue when faced with undesirable situations, written by a guy that has exhibited no actual social skills, going into a crowd. It will be a very beautiful explosion.

Trekker: This is going to be both sad and hilarious. Mostly hilarious.



“Don’t worry about me, and besides it’s only temporary. Once the mission is over we can leave.”



SC276: Just make sure it’s within three weeks, or you won’t be able to drop without a compelling reason.

Scarlet: Channeling my spirit as I continue the riff again? Lightning, it’s starting to get a bit creepy now. You can stop.



Lightning also had a plan of his own which he hoped would help the mission got smoother.



RJ: [Lightning] I need a truckload of sand, 35 gallons of Cherry Garcia, and a form fitting catsuit.

Trekker: He’s going to need some lube.



He was taught how sometimes the best way to find what or who you were looking for was draw them out into the open. So he didn’t intend not to keep that he was an alicorn on a mission secret,



Scarlet: So…. he did intend to keep his alicorn status and mission a secret? Because that’s what the double negative implies. Also, kid needs to watch some Burn Notice and yesterday.



and just tell people, maybe even prove by showing off his skills, someone was bound to believe him, and maybe he would gain help to find the Rainbow Rod,



Dark Angel: Stop talking about Rainbow Dash’s rod! …Oh wait…



and draw Sapphira into the open.



SC276: So you intend to lure out Sapphira by… being the subject of rumor and gossip? With the subject being your ridiculous powers you shouldn’t have as a human, and therefore don’t have enough relative truth behind them to become an actual rumor rather than a subject of mockery? I’ve seen VeggieTales, I know how rumors work. And that’s on top of knowing there’s a super-powered human going around is a good reason for a supervillain to hide more.

Scarlet: Maybe his plan is to summon the sentient rumor weeds to deal with all this for him?

Trekker: This guy never went to an actual army, because that would imply he learned that you keep secrets AWAY from the enemy.



“You always were one for taking risks, Lightning. You know that?” said Krysta.



SC276: Like pissing off one of the biggest-growing periphery fandoms of the last decade.

Scarlet: Five year old Lightning would often drink pepsi and toss mentos into his mouth just to prove his head wouldn’t explode.

Dark Angel: And unfortunately, it wouldn’t.

Topher: He survived with, as he described it, “Tribibable Braim damblage.”

Trekker: Risk? That would imply there’s conflict in this fic.



“Hey, risks are what it’s all about, now you better get out of here. I’ve got work to do and so do you.



SC276: [Lightning] “And not because it might be suspicious that I’m talking to a bird.”



The minute you find anything, tell me at once.”



Scarlet: “Hey, Lightning, look! I found ten cents on the ground! And a crack on the sidewalk! And-” “Anything related to the mission!”



Krysta agreed and headed off, and no sooner had she when someone did holler. “Hey, you there…!” Lightning turned and saw it was a teenage boy roughly his age, and yet he looked so incredibly familiar.



Scarlet: You know, I’m never going to be completely tired of badfics accidentally stealing intros that could belong in yaoi dating sims.

Dark Angel: [Teenage Boy] “Hey kid, has your parents ever told you that you may have had a long lost brother that was separated from you at birth?”



The boy approached him “You’re standing in the flowers I planted.”



SC276: Aaaaand it begins.

Scarlet: Kiss. Kissssss.

Topher: [Grandruler] “TWO of them? (whips out a phone) Yeah, it’s me. My little offer just became a two-fer-one deal.”



Lightning looked down at his feet. “Oh! Sorry about that, Buddy Rose.”



SC276: [Lightning] “Krysta, why didn’t you tell me I was walking into a flower patch?” [Krysta] “I forgot you don’t have common sense!”



The other boy looked surprised. “How did you know my name?”



“Uh… well… I…”



Scarlet: “...certainly haven’t been stalking you… and also am not an alien… and am not on a covert mission- and also I don’t talk to birds! (whew, nailed it)!”



“Come to think of it, I’ve never seen you around here before.



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “For I have indeed memorized the faces of everyone at this school. ...Everyone.”

Trekker:... I’m never touching any hippies ever again if they start doing that.



What’s your name?”



“My name’s Lightning Dawn. I just transferred here.”



Scarlet: “In a very ordinary manner that was completely unmotivated by any sort of covert mission requiring me to blend into a high school while tracking someone I am a normal human being.”

Topher: “YES I AM REAL STUDENT LET US GO SKATEBOARDS!”



Buddy Rose gazed at the crushed flowers. “I think I can help them.



Scarlet: “Their egos are just feeling a bit deflated after they were forced to appear in a Mykan fanfic.”

Dark Angel: “Those flowers have been in this fic for over fifteen years and have not grown an inch. I wonder if there’s something in the environment.”

Fallen Prime: “These flowers? No, they’re all dead from bird flu virus.”



I know a lot about gardening. I planted lots of the flowers around the school and tend to them every day as part of my extra-credit projects.”



RJ: “Extra credit projects?” Five bucks says he got detention for chaining himself to a tree.



Lightning watched as he worked, and there was no doubt he was just the Buddy Rose he knew back home.



Scarlet: I’ll go set up the record player in case we require porn music cues.

Topher: Grandruler also watched as Buddy Rose worked, paying close attention when he bent over. Do you think I’m going overboard with the pedo jokes? Me neither.

Dark Angel: *vomits*



Suddenly, an announcement was made over the P.A speakers which could be heard from outdoors. “Good morning students.” the principal said “Just a reminder, that all newly transferred students are to verify their arrival at the main office. That is an order.



SC276: [principal] “No, I am not announcing this specific thing just to advance the plot.”

Dark Angel: [principal] “…That would imply that there is any plot to begin with.”

RJ: [principal] That includes Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed.



Thank you.”



Lightning suddenly snapped to, remembering what he was supposed to be doing, but he couldn’t help notice that voice sounded so familiar. “You better shake a leg.” said Buddy Rose



Scarlet: “Lightning, that was just an expression.” “OF COURSE I AM TOTALLY A HUMAN I UNDERSTAND HUMAN THINGS THIS WAS ALL JUST A JOKE HA HA HA-”

Topher: [Grandruler] “MMM! Save it for the lady, baby!”



“Principal Celestia can get really nasty when people disregard school policies.”



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “And also when people walk out in front of her car and yell that the crash is her fault, but when does that ever happen?”

Dark Angel: Celestia isn’t really nasty. She’s just cranky because she got stuck in this Mykan fic.



Lightning nodded. “Nice to have met you.” and he dashed off into the building. Inside the main hall, everything looked straight forward.



SC276: One of the things tried to glance to the left, but the teacher caught it and gave it extra homework.

RJ: They’re staring at you, judging you, peering right into your VERY SOUL.



Lightning even saw the display case with all the trophies and school honors, and right next to the case was a beautiful mural of the school itself. “Wow!”



Scarlet: “I have literally no context for why any of these trophies are impressive!”



“You like that painting?” said someone behind him “I made it myself.”



“It’s beautiful…” Lightning turned to see the boy who resembled another one of his friends. “You’re Artie Bristles.”



Scarlet: ...yaoi dating sim intensifies.



Artie didn’t act surprised, most people knew who he was, and those that didn’t often just saw the mural and his name signed in the corner.



SC276: Let there continue to be excuses so we don’t deal with the awkwardness of him knowing everyone already every time.



“That’s me, all right.” He said extending his hand “You’re new here, aren’t you?”



“Uh… yes. I was on my way to see the principal.”



“Well, good luck, and trust me you’ll need it. She’s not really in a good mood today.



SC276: Gee, I wonder why.

Dark Angel: [Artie Bristles] “Principal Celestia gets cranky when she’s put into a Mykan fic.” *watches as an office desk goes crashing through the wall* “Very cranky.”



See ya.” and no sooner had he gone did a tall woman with voluminous purple, sparkling hair approached Lightning. “Excuse me. I couldn’t help but hearing that you’re new here.”



Scarlet: I notice that for some reason, Lightning can’t stand in a hallway for a minute or less without the entire cast of the story just showing up in rapid succession, with absolutely no time for us to form impressions of any of them. Mykan? Mykan, buddy? It’s a fanfic, not a film. You can pace these things, you aren’t fighting runtime.

Trekker: He treats everything like an episode of Sailor Moon, so he ALWAYS has to fight runtime...that he sets up himself.



“Yes, I am.”



“I’m Vice Principal Luna, and if I’m right, you must Lightning Dawn.



SC276: “Actually, I’m Thunder Dusk.” “Dammit, this keeps happening…”

Scarlet: “But why must I Lightning Dawn?”

Topher: [Grandruler] “She’s got ‘im. Another successful delivery.”



Please follow me.”



She lead him to the main office and said that she and her sister, Celestia had been expecting him since they received the phone-call last night from Grandruler,



Scarlet: “Lightning, cancel your mission. Your new task is to discover why this sentence won’t just end already.”

Topher: [Luna] “Hello?” [Grandruler] “Your package arrived today.” *Click*



but before they could enter the Principal’s private office, the phone rang and Luna had to take.



SC276: What is with phones and convenient timing in this chapter?



“Just go inside, I have to take this.”



Topher: [Luna] “Hello?” [Grandruler] “This is the candyman. I take it you got your package?” [Luna] “Mmm, indeed.” [Grandruler] “Just send in my ‘finders fee’ when you’re ready to buy.” [Luna] “The money should be in your offshore account by nightfall.”



“Thank you.”



SC276: Here it comes…~



Lightning walked up to the door, took a deep breath and knocked softly.



“Come in!”



SC276: Wait for it…~



Lightning opened the door, and the principal turned in round in her chair to face him, and they both gasped in shock and shouted “…YOU!!”



Scarlet: “HA HA HA! You thought it was going to be Celestia, but it was me, Dio Brando!” There you go, obligatory Jojo reference made, riff may continue in an orderly fashion.



“Oh, no…! No…! This isn’t happening.” cried Lightning.



SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! TAKE THAT, YA FREAKIN’ STU! Ohh, that’s cathartic, actually.

Scarlet: The fact that so far he hasn’t actually received any consequences from his actions, you mean?

SC276: The guy’s on the bottom for once, let me have my fun.

Topher: [Luna, on phone] “Oh my god! My sister KNOWS this one?! You promised me complete anonymity, I am NOT paying for this one!” [Grandruler] “Okay, okay, I can’t guarantee what they go through before I acquire them, how about I give you my latest product? Very useful in the garden, very… *heavy breathing* ...flexible.” [Luna] “...Fine. But if the first one causes any trouble, I’m taking your ass down with me.” [Grandruler] “That piece of shit? I’ll send someone to collect it later, trust me.” [Luna] “You better.” *click*



Celestia couldn’t believe it herself, but nonetheless she did realize the advantage over this, and Lightning realized it too.



RJ: Ah, that’s why Celestia busted out the Gendo pose.



“I’m your principal now, and I expect you to respect that and the rules. Understood?”



Scarlet: “The rules now include polishing my shoes each morning, calling me ‘Your Majesty’, and genuflecting in my presence if I pass you in the hallway.”



As much as Lightning felt outraged, he agreed “Yes… ma’am.”



SC276: Take this as a lesson, children: when you’re rude and mean to someone that’s upset with you because of something you did, it bites back hard.

Scarlet: Does that really count if it hasn’t remotely bitten back yet?



Celestia went over Lighting’s recently presented file, and was shocked to find that he had no family, no birth certificate, not even any records of previous schools attended.



SC276: Told ya you should’ve gotten Alternate Identity at rank 3.

Scarlet: “I couldn’t! I spent too many points on getting a Notorious Sire!”

Topher: [Luna, back on the phone] “Candyman, you said he’d be covered! He doesn’t even have a certificate!” [Grandruler] “You know full well that I only provide a story, I don’t procure the papers. I’ve held up my end, You’re on your own, I’m afraid.”



Celestia angrily slammed the file on her desk “This is an outrage; an absolute insult to the school system.”



SC276: I love how Celestia is the only sane one in this fic.

Scarlet: “How dare you have paperwork that your guardians and previous schools haven’t submitted!”



Lightning didn’t like her tone, but he spoke calmly “I was told to be welcomed at this school, and the arrangements were not to be questioned.”



Scarlet: So wait, he was specifically ordered to be welcomed? But not to question the arrangements of that? I guess that explains the lack of fake ID.

Topher: [Luna, on phone] “HE KNOWS ABOUT THE FAKE ARRANGEMENTS?!” [Grandruler] “Calm down, madam. He knew that his records would be spotty, this is all part of the plan” [Luna] “One more slip-up, and I’m going to the cops, damn the consequences, Candyman.” [Grandruler] “Slip-ups? I’ve kept every single promise I’ve made to you. You asked for some of my stock, I gave you some, and all the accoutrements I described. You’re the one making the mistakes. At least I bother to cover my own tracks, unlike you based on the last few disposal jobs you had for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, My courier needs to collect my product from you, as you are unsatisfied. The replacement shall be sent promptly.”



Celestia was confused and more outraged “And just who authorized this?”



“…I did!” snapped a voice from outside the door.



SC276: [Grandruler] “I arrive in the - TA DAH - nick of time.”



Celestia felt a shiver run up her spine as she turned around nervously and saw him standing them, tapping his foot and glaring at her with disappointment.



SC276: How is he behind her? Does her desk face away from the door, which is the exact opposite way to place an important person’s desk?

Scarlet: He used the anime dramatic effect teleport- when you want to communicate inhuman speed, just turn around and the character’s a foot away from your face!



“Mr. Grandruler.”



“…Celestia.” he spoke very deeply



SC276: Good thing I always come equipped with my anti-Sue-mind-control helmet.



“I take it you two already know each other.”



RJ: They’ve fuck~ um, met.



Lightning and Celestia gazed at one another and nodded, and it soon became clear to Celestia that Lightning was another one of Grandruler’s special kids whom he went out of his way to help.



Scarlet: So many potential jokes, so few tasteful ones. *sigh*

Topher: I’m already on it, believe me.

Dark Angel: So that’s why he just came from kindergarten.



“I completely forgot. You’ll have to excuse me. I’ve been having a little trouble lately.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Namely, paying for the damages to my car caused when this kid walked out in the middle of the street finishing off a musical number.”



Grandruler slowly approached her “I hope I can trust you Celestia. I’ve been hearing stories about you sliding off the edge,



SC276: A.K.A. not listening to the self-insert.



and if there’s one thing I won’t tolerate it’s when people on my payroll forget the rules of conduct, especially to those I’m trying to help. You had better shape up, missy!”



Scarlet: The rules of conduct apparently being “don’t question it when a student has no proof of identification and for all you know could be the superintendent’s indentured servant.”



“Yes sir.”



SC276: Aaaaaand there goes the sanity.

Scarlet: Sanity was never here to begin with. Sanity would’ve involved asking Lightning Dawn basic questions about why his previous schools hadn’t forwarded his information. Or asking why a school would even need a copy of his Birth Certificate.

SC276: ...Actually, now that I think of it, if we’re going by Equestria Girls rules, there should already be a Lightning Dawn somewhere in this universe. If anything, searching up for him previously should result in those records.

Dark Angel: Of course you apparently have forgotten that this is a Mykan fic…do I really have to say more?



With that all settled, Lightning was given his schedule and map of the school and told to head off to his first class.



SC276: “You have a budget of over $15 grand to avoid arguing with Celestio?” “Have you ever tried arguing with Mr. Grandruler?”

Scarlet: “And Lightning, for the love of God stop saying the name of every single person you recognize an alternate-universe counterpart of. Jesus, you’re the worst covert operative in history.”



He went off and Grandruler gazed at Celestia. “I’ll be watching you very closely.”



SC276: [Grandruler] “Specifically, your sweet ass.”

Topher: [Grandruler] “Don’t want any of my investments to be… damaged.”



He said as he quietly shut the door, and Celestia sighed as she sagged in her chair shaking her head in dismay.



SC276: I feel sorry for her. Moreso than I do for everyone else for getting sucked into this fic.

Scarlet: I don’t, mostly because out of everyone here she’s still got the right emotional response to all this BS. With any luck she’s going to pull a fifth of vodka out of her desk, slam it back, and walk right the hell out of the fic in exasperation.



Outside, Grandruler seemed more concerned for Celestia than disappointed. “Luna, you should know better than to let your sister blow her top like that.”



SC276: [Grandruler] “She came awfully close to challenging my authority.”



“Sorry sir. She’s going through hard times.”



Dark Angel: [Grandruler] “I don’t have to be told about her love life…I’ll just read her diary for that.”

Scarlet: “For example, she has an overbearing boss who becomes upset at her for having very reasonable reactions to a student arriving here without any notice or paperwork indicating the transfer.”



Grandruler nodded, but the silence was soon interrupted by loud banging sounds and screams coming from outside in the main-hall.



SC276: Shoot, the haters broke through.

Scarlet: What do you mean, “shoot”?

SC276: Well to be honest, I’m not sure whether it’s haters of Mykan or haters of us. Honestly, they all sound the same to me.



“What the devil…!”



Topher: LEAVE ME OUTTA THIS!



snarled Grandruler as he, Luna, and Celestia



SC276: Because she’s done moping now.



dashed out to the hall.



A couple of punk kids were lighting cherry-bombs in the hall, extremely against school rules,



SC276: Y’know, just in case you live in a society where lighting small explosives in a public school are legal. Mykan’s considerate that way.

Scarlet: Well, I guess we needed our initial encounter somehow. Everyone roll initiatives, please!

Topher: Wait, shit! which one do I- *drops dice bag* fuck. Um… 15, I guess?



and with them was a teenage girl with orange and red striped hair, and her boyfriend stood next to her.



SC276: OK, so at least it’s not Sunset Shimmer, since her hair is yellow and red. That’s… something, I suppose.



He looked a lot like Lightning, but he didn’t seem to like what was happening.



SC276: ...Or maybe the author just forgot what the character looked like, which is totally within reason.

Scarlet: I was about to ask why you’d expected him to pay attention to those details.



He then looked down the hall. “Watch it, it’s Grandruler!”



Scarlet: “Throw the bombs at him!”



The other two punk kids stood up right in fear and ran for it;



SC276: I love how the author can’t even be bothered to describe Snips and Snails.



many of the other students saw him examine the ashes and the soot all over the floor and the walls. “Who did this?” he bellowed “…Well!!”



SC276: Y’know, it… could be the kids that ran?

Dark Angel: This is a Mykan fic. Therefore, that would be the last logical assumption someone in this fic would make.



The girl approached Grandruler and put on a weeping face. “Mr. Grandruler, I saw who it was.” and she pointed at the two punk students. “It was them!” She then nudged her boyfriend, forcing him to comply with her veracity, when really he knew the truth. “Yes sir, we both saw them.”



SC276: I would question why none of the other students are pointing out Sunset and who I can only assume is Flash Sentry - that or the guy has another recolor around here - except that I’m pretty sure Sunset having the whole school cowed was an actual thing in Equestria Girls. I will, however, question how the self-insert missed that these two were standing right next to the two guys they’re accusing and believed they weren’t involved.

Dark Angel: Once again, I must point out that this is a Mykan fic. Dream logic makes more sense than the logic in these fics.



Grandruler glared down at the two boys, but Celestia decided to handle it herself and told the boys to meet her after school for extreme punishment.



Scarlet: Once again- so many potential jokes, so few tasteful ones.

Topher: [Grandruler] (pulls out his phone) “Hello, madam! I think I have just the offer for you! Rather than our ‘gardening aid’ I just found two lovely little things, full of… fire. Interested?” [Luna] “...Very well, I’ll take the two, but I better get a discount after your last mishap.” [Grandruler] “...” [Luna] “Well?” [Grandruler] “Oh, yes, fine. my two-for-one offer still applies. It’s just that I heard an odd echo, almost as if you were in the next room.”



The girl, however, who was really responsible and told the boys to take the wrap, was very pleased with herself.



SC276: You fooled the stand-in for Mykan. That’s not an accomplishment.

Dark Angel: Now if you were to tell the Mykan stand-in that he was in a bad fic, that would be an accomplishment.



Her boyfriend shook his head in dismay. “Sometimes you go too far, Sunset. You’re going to get busted one of these days, you know.”



Scarlet: Well, I was wondering how long it would take before a character I like got caught up in this riff’s depressing morass. Longer than I expected, actually.



“As if.” remarked Sunset “I’ve done okay up to now, and I expect you to help me keep it up. Got it?!”



SC276: [Sunset] “I’ll be fine so long as I don’t try to mind-control the entire school.”



“Whatever.” he boyfriend said as he went off to class and he secretly thought in his mind “But you’ll never expect what’s in store for you and the rest of this world, Earth-Girl!” his eyes shimmered a wicked glow of pale blue.



SC276: ...And Flash Sentry is possessed by Sapphira. Which more closely resembles my Sapphira than anything. Bloody hell.

Scarlet: “Earth-Girl.” Bloody hell, the villain dialogue is really going to be this uninspired?

Dark Angel: That was villain dialogue? It really is uninspired.



…



Scarlet: I presume the ellipsis was chosen as a line break indicator in order to symbolize the author’s desire to trail off and go to sleep.



Lightning, followed his map to his first class, literature, and on the way he met up with another familiar resemblance, as a young teenage boy was slipping a letter into someone’s locker. “Excuse me…”



Scarlet: Yaoi dating sim reaching high levels of fidelity. Now loading obligatory indirect kiss sequence.



The other boy jumped in startle, and as Lightning expected, he spoke in rhyme.



“I’m sorry there,

But you gave me a scare.”



SC276: Oh no. Oh no.

Fallen Prime: He comes! ABORT!

Dark Angel: Oh, please don’t tell me it’s that rhyming twit. We don’t need any of his rhyming shit!



“I see that… uh, your name wouldn’t happen to be Rhymey, would it?” Lightning asked.



“William Stirskewer 3 is my name.

But folks call me Rhymey just the same.”



SC276: That’s not how naming works. Also, shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: This was the author who wanted to “improve” My Little Pony, right?

Topher: Next time, I call dibs on the first “Shut the fuck up, rhymey!”

SC276: If you remember to capitalize the name, sure.



Lightning already knew why, and didn’t bother to ask what he was doing with that letter in the locker,



RJ: [Rhymey] Bitch wronged me and if she wants to make it right, she better come over and suck my dick ton~ [Lightning] Okay, leaving now.



and merely asked for directions to class as he had a hard time understanding the map and the building.



SC276: Just as he has trouble understanding society in general.

Scarlet: “WHEN YOU WALK YOU PLACE ONE LEG IN FRONT OF THE OTHER I AM A NORMAL HUMAN BEING HA HA IS THIS NOT AMUSING”



As luck had it, he and Rhymey had the same class right then, and he gladly showed him the way.



RJ: [Rhymey] With all these skills I’m barely passing that class. Gonna pop a cap in that skanky teacher’s ass.



The teacher welcomed Lightning, having been told of his schedule, and let him take his seat, but Lightning soon found the class to be very boring, for all the lessons were things and subjects he already had learned a while back during his training and studies back home.



SC276: The literature class is reading the exact same books Unicornicopia has, despite the two massively different cultures? If I didn’t know it would be even more pointless than usual, I would most certainly be calling shenanigans.

Scarlet: To be fair I’m pretty sure the Unicornian novels are the same ones he’s studying currently, expect with horse puns.

Topher: I can’t decide if that would make class better or worse.

Dark Angel: And technically it would be referred to as “Unicornicopian”.

Scarlet: I apologize for caring as much about the fidelity of my riffs to Mykan’s work as Mykan does for his source material.



The same thing applied was with his next class, mathematics, it, too was easy for him. The teacher merely assigned the students to copy the problems off of the board and solve them,



Scarlet: You know, you could’ve just hand-waved us to the end of the day and said “Lightning had found his classes boring thus far”, Mykan. You’re allowed to do that. It’s called ‘pacing’. And “not wasting our time.”



and Lightning was finished in almost no time, much to the other students’ and even the teacher’s shock amazement, but to Lightning the hours seemed to last forever,



SC276: Much like this series to us.



but he kept hoping that soon things would turn up and he’d learn the things he came for.



Scarlet: “Just how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?”

Topher: I once attempted to gain that forbidden knowledge. After three hours, my mouth was stained red, either with blood or with cherry goo, I couldn’t quite tell through the oral pain, but I had my answer. It takes… 857 LICKS!

Fallen Prime: You are a braver soul than I.



His third period was science and biology, with Professor Brain, yet another resemblance, but that was the only interesting by far that he learned. Even that class seemed too easy.



SC276: Even though the very existence of dimensional hopping and the difference between alicorn and human anatomy must be so great, it’s even more of a shenanigan that there’s nothing for him to learn there.

Scarlet: God of Shenanigans, hear my cry: why the fuck are you even letting this be a thing.



Lightning even handed in his basic assignment that day for the professor to gaze at. “I must say Mr. Dawn, this certain is. Satisfactory…”



Scarlet: “I’ve never seen a certain of this quality in my entire life!”



“…Most satisfactory” Lightning muttered along with the professor, knowing he would say it, and his fourth period was Arts and Crafts.



SC276: This totally needed to share a sentence. And a paragraph.



That class really didn’t start out well for him, as some of the students like picking on the new kids, throwing bits of paper at him,



Scarlet: Is this a very special episode? Can we just skip it?

Dark Angel: Are you saying that you’re not enjoying the idea of Lightning getting things thrown at him? This is perhaps the one and only part of this story that I do want to have extended. *starts throwing papers*



Lightning did his best to ignore them and they just kept throwing stuff at him while the teacher’s back was turned, worse than that, the teacher didn’t really like Lightning’s sketching of the Rainbow Rod he had made.



Scarlet: “The dimensions are entirely incorrect. I asked you to draw it at one-tenth scale, not one-eleventh! I know you’re sketching from memory, but this is unacceptable!”

Topher: To be fair, I think anyone would get in trouble for drawing their rainbow rod in class.

Dark Angel: And get expelled in the process.



“This is what you call a work of art, Mr. Dawn?” she sneered. “Is there something wrong with it?” Lightning asked.



SC276: [teacher] “I get tired of my students drawing dicks, Mr. Dawn.”

Scarlet: Oh hey, someone did take the low-hanging fruit!



The truth was the teacher didn’t like it when students were able to draw or make things better than she could, and she would often resort to bullying and mocking their works, even if it was good looking.



SC276: Stop projecting, author.

Scarlet: Hey teacher, wanna join our riff?

Dark Angel: That teacher would certainly make a better riffer than teacher. I mean, I’m pretty sure teachers aren’t supposed to criticize students for being good.



“I’m afraid this is not worth the effort.” she said as she crumpled up the drawing and threw it away.



SC276: Much like we wish we could do with this fic.

Topher: You can crumple it up and throw it away! It just costs a lot to get a new monitor.

Dark Angel: Well, I need a new computer anyway.



Many students laughed at Lightning, but Lightning felt cross and hurt. Artie, who was in the class as well, was cross with everyone and felt sorry for Lightning.



Scarlet: People had feelings and they were sad ones.



After class, he took the crumped drawing out of the trash and decided he’d keep it for himself, to help him keep his mind on the mission, and he headed to the cafeteria for lunch.



Scarlet: “Every time I feel like I’m going to lose my way, I’ll stare at this massive, upright Rainbow Rod, and it will remind me what I’m really here for.”



At least the food was very nice, which did help spark some of Lightning’s observations, that humans ate the same foods from his universe.



SC276: But distinctly more vegetables, which made no sense to him at all.



Still, he was starting to feel maybe coming to school wasn’t a very good idea after all. He didn’t feel challenged enough, and though he had run into some familiar faces, he really didn’t feel like he fit in with anyone.



SC276: That’s because your Marty Stu attraction magnets haven’t kicked in yet.

RJ: (singing) All around him are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces. Bright and early for their daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere...



It got worse when he kindly asked if he could sit in empty places, but most students coldly rebuked him.



Scarlet: “Dude, we’ve got a strict ‘no lead characters’ policy at this table. If we stay anonymous, we can deny ever having been in this fic.”

Anonymous: I know what table I’m sitting at.



However, Lightning spotted Buddy Rose, Artie, and Rhymey all sitting together at a table, and waving at him to join them. “Thank you.”



“Don’t let the others get to you.” said Buddy “Here at Canterlot High, the students prefer to stick to groups. They don’t take kind to newbies.”



Scarlet: Oh. Great. A High School Musical plot trope managed to worm its way in here. I thought this was a fixfic Equestria Girls?

Dark Angel: It’s an Equestria Girls/High School Musical crossover fixfic.



“I’ve noticed that.”



Lightning looked around and could see all the many groups…



Athletes… Fashionistas… drama… eco kids…techies… rockers… and several other kinds of groups too.



SC276: They’re called cliques, author. Pretty sure EqG used it as well.

Scarlet: Also every high school drama of the past ten years or so.

Topher: Also every high school of the past all time.

Dark Angel: Actually, I never remembered the term ‘clique’ when I was in school. Then again, I was never really in a clique…This fic is bad enough as it is! It doesn’t have make me remember my experiences in school!



Lightning compared them like how elemental forces in Starfleet were divided by fields, but nobody behaved cold or harsh to one another.



SC276: ...What? I now both regret and don’t regret reading the rewrite.

Scarlet: Having refused to read the previous parts, for a second I actually assumed he was comparing human interactions to magic theory.



Still, Lightning un-crumpled his drawing of the Rainbow Rod for his seemingly new friends. They all thought it was wonderful. “It’s almost as good as my work.” said Artie “But what made you think to draw this?”



Scarlet: “And does yours, um. Look like. Y’know?”



Lightning felt a little nervous, but decided to tell them about it, when suddenly he heard the students laughing at a girl who had dropped her tray and spilled food on her books,



SC276: I’m glad the high school I went to was almost nothing like any high school in fiction ever.

Dark Angel: Same here. But I still prefer not to have to remember school.



a girl whom Lightning could almost identify exactly… with long purple hair.



Scarlet: Oh yay. More canon characters to debase. Wooo.



“Who’s that?” he asked.



Rhymey answered…



SC276: SOMEONE ELSE, PLEASE, TALK!! QUICKLY!!

RJ: [Rhymey] Starla’s her name and her ‘fields’ are still unsown. Move quickly and bitch can be your ho.



“That is Starla Shine; she is kind,

But she has a very lonesome mind.

Her interests is studying stars and stuff,

and many students treat her very rough.”



RJ: Burma Shave.

SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: Starla who? Did he just give her purple hair and a few Twilight indicators specifically to fuck with people?

SC276: No, Starla and Twilight both exist in this series. Starla is just Lightning’s love interest that gets the occasional astronomy mention in an attempt to seem more like a character. Don’t worry, this happens when you don’t keep up with the Mykan lore.

Dark Angel: That still doesn’t excuse the fact that she’s a Twilight clone. And also, shut the fuck up, Rhymey!



Lightning could see for himself as Starla tried to gather her things up, and a big bullying student took her astronomy book.



Scarlet: “You see the bully in front of you, Lightning Dawn. Go ahead and roll initiative.”

Dark Angel: Either the media really over exaggerates what bullies are like, or I went to a good school.



“Hey, give me that back!” Starla demanded, but the tall guy wouldn’t let her have it. “What’s the matter, you going to cry little star?”



SC276: How is calling someone a star an insult again?

Scarlet: “Everyone knows you’re the worst-written Social Links in Persona 3! Even on the female lead’s route!”



Lightning had seen enough and waltzed over and grabbed the bully’s arm.



Scarlet: “Alright, now roll to grapple.”



“Hey, Hey!” the guy whimpered as Lightning pulled it down slowly down and took the book from him.



Scarlet: “Natural twenty again? Lightning, are you sure you haven’t been messing with those dice?”



“Just because she’s different than you, doesn’t give you the right to bully her.” Lightning said.



SC276: You assume it’s because of difference? And not because they’re just jerkasses?



Starla looked up at him and felt touched that someone was standing up for her, but the bully was outraged and wretched out of Lightning’s grip and glared at him fuming. “You’re the new kid, aren’t you?



SC276: Word travels fast at this school.

Scarlet: I’m more impressed that he “wretched” out of anything.

Dark Angel: This fic makes me constantly want to wretch.

Scarlet: ...Honey, we’re going to need to have a conversation about what the letter “w” does to the word “retch.”



You know what I call newbies around here; Fresh meat!”



Topher: Surprisingly accurate!



“Am I supposed to be scared?” Lightning simply said.



SC276: [Lightning] “You’d need an entirely different punctuation mark to do that.”



Many of the students felt shivers run up their spine as they saw what looked like was going to be a fight. Some we’re even hollering “Fight-Fight-Fight-Fight!”



Scarlet: No, “we’re” not. In fact, I’m mostly screaming “why did I even decide to join this riff”.

Dark Angel: Unfortunately, riffing is like a can of Pringles. Once you pop, you just can’t stop. At least not until it’s done…And I’d better not hear anyone saying ‘shut the fuck up, Rhymey’ to me. Or else… *transforms into a Nightmare form*

RJ: I’m just going to leave this here.



The bully looked ready for a brawl, but the warning bell rang indicating lunch hour was nearly over. “I’ll settle with you later, punk.” and he stormed off.



SC276: A bully that gives a damn about being in class? Author, please, this isn’t Arthur.

Scarlet: But wouldn’t it be nice if it was?



Lightning cleaned off Starla’s book and handed it to her “Thanks, but you didn’t have to do that, I’m not helpless.”



SC276: He’s the main character, you’re the love interest. He did have to.

Scarlet: “Ha ha ha earth human of course you were not helpless I am a normal human and thus a good judge of human social situations, ha ha ha.”



“I just wanted to, that’s all.” Lightning said “I feel people shouldn’t be pushed around without good reason.”



Scarlet: That’s right. The only good people to push around are dirty, foul-breathed, anus-sniffing griffons! Am I right? Huh?



Starla felt the same, but she had to leave and head to class, even though she hadn’t eaten lunch, and Lightning found himself unable to take his eyes off her,



SC276: [Lightning] “STOP WALKING! YOU’RE GOING TO PULL THEM RIGHT OUT!”



but she thanked him one more time before she left. Lightning eventually snapped himself out of his daze when his new friends told him he’d be late for class.



Scarlet: ...Yaoi dating sim, reluctantly cancelled. *sighs and packs up record player*



At the popular table,



SC276: It’s the envy of all the other tables in the cafeteria.

Dragonborne: I just walked in and--HOLY BALLS, the popular table. Is it made of solid gold or something? Does it have spinach leaves growing at the feet of its seats? I’d like to know.

Dark Angel: If it exists in this fic, then it’s not a popular table.



where Sunset,



SC276: I’ve already forgotten; has her full name been specified in this fic yet?

Dragonborne: Not yet.



her boyfriend Flash Sentry, and several other students were sitting saw the whole thing. “That new kid’s not like most others.” Sunset said.



SC276: Wait, a canon character with a Stu-detection radar?

Scarlet: “I’m just saying guys- he’s nothing like the rest of us-”

“No, nothing like the rest of us!”

“He’s nothing like the rest of usssss!”

“THAT KIIIIIID!”



Flash sighed and rolled his eyes “And let me guess, you think he might be valuable to boosting our image, am I warm?”



Scarlet: “No, seriously, am I warm? I think I’m coming down with a fever.”

Dark Angel: If you’re in this fic, then you must be sick.



“You’re burning up.” said Sunset.



SC276: That’s… not that bad a line, actually. Is it wrong to root for Sunset Shimmer?

Dragonborne: My sentiments exactly.



She got out her powder compact and made sure she looked pretty enough. “Step back, I’m going in.”



SC276: And that’s sorta pretty much what I think every time I open one of these documents. Totally on Team Sunset here. BRING THE NIGHT!

Scarlet: I approve of this initiative only if we get to turn into phoenixes at the end of the inevitable Rainbow Rocks Mykan-fixfic.

SC276: I’ll bring the feathers and ashes!

Topher: [Grandruler, peering in through the window] “That’s right, lure him back to me so we can get him to the next customer.”



Flash sighed “Every time, she does this.”



…



Lightning’s next class was Geography, and was finally something he knew would help him learn more about the Earth and things.



SC276: As well as the stuff.

Dragonborne: Betcha ten thousand yen the Earth has been remodeled to be suspiciously similar to United Equestria.

SC276: Especially considering that since this is an interquel, United Equestria doesn’t exist yet.

RJ: (singing) United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru...



When Sunset waltz up to him.



Topher: Tripping over her shoelaces and landing in a heap at lightning’s feet.



“So… Hi.” She said to him.



“Um… hello…” Lightning said.



Scarlet: *sigh* Boring regular dating sim intensifies. *fumes*



“So, you’re the new kid, huh? Don’t worry; I’ve been down that road before. Oh, sorry about that, the name’s Sunset Shimmer.”



“Sun… Set… Shimmer?”



SC276: Your name is literally Lightning Dawn. “Sunset Shimmer,” in comparison to the names of people from your universe, is tame as hell.



“I know, weird name right; but hey, I’ll bet no one knows who you are either.”



Dragonborne: “Hey, my name is Dovahkiin! Why’re you looking at me like that? My name isn’t weird!”

Scarlet: It’s okay, calm down. You don’t want to know what I went by before “Scarlet”.

Topher: Before I went the nickname Topher, there was a large contingency trying to get “Bumblebee” to stick.

Dark Angel: I’ve gone by several names before Dark Angel. For example, you could currently also refer to me as Nightshade, and I’ve gone by Cyba at one point. And then there was… *continues to babble on*



“Well, just a few actually.”



“Well, trust me, if you stick with me and my crowd, you’ll be part of school popularity in no time.”



SC276: I don’t remember EqG all that well, but aside from that awkward phrasing just now, I’m fairly sure Sunset’s been in-character most of the time. And I’m not sure whether I’m relieved or frightened by that.

Scarlet: I’m going to go with option three- ‘dull acceptance.’

Dark Angel: I’d say it’s more likely to feel frightened that there’s an aspect to this fic that makes you feel relieved.

Topher: [Grandruler] “That’s right, now take him back to the warehouse, with the rest of ‘your crowd’”



Lightning was starting to get the feeling this girl was just spouting a bunch of nonsense,



SC276: You’re mistaking her for your series.

Scarlet: “The earth-creature appears to be making romantic advances. HOW DO I COPE?”

Topher: Show her your rainbow rod! ...When this fic is over, I’m going to tally up every single dick joke made about that thing.



and while her offer was tempting, he reminded himself he came to complete a mission, not to become popular. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m a practically guy, and I prefer to get where I am on my own.”



Scarlet: Practically guy! Build ‘em right and you can’t tell them apart from the real thing!

Topher: Besides, how could getting in the good graces of the popular kids at your hideout POSSIBLY help you?



Sunset felt appalled



SC276: How do you think we feel?



“Um, maybe you didn’t hear me. I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime.”



SC276: [Sunset] “Well OK of the next four years, but to everyone here, that feels like a lifetime.”

Topher: Just like how the show has only been going for four years. THE RIDE NEVER ENDS.



“And I said thanks but no thanks. I’m just not interested.”



“Not interested?!” snarled Sunset, and before she could react any further, the teacher came in and told everyone to take their seats, especially her. “This isn’t over.” she said to Lightning.



SC276: [vampire!Sunset] “You vill be mine!” ...Actually, Sunset Shimmer as a vampire would be a pretty interesting concept. Has that fic already been done?

Scarlet: No, but I think at least two people I’ve LARPed with did it for Vampire: The Masquerade, so there’s that.

Dark Angel: Doesn’t her form in the first movie qualify as a vampire form?

Scarlet: Maybe. If you play Nosferatu. We all know Sunset’s a Toreador, though.



Rhymey and Buddy Rose were in the class with Lightning and could barely believe what they had just seen, and they felt Lightning was in big trouble now.



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “Should we tell him that banding with her might possibly have made searching for the thing he’s looking for a little easier via her contacts as the school’s alpha bitch?”



Everyone in school knew about Sunset Shimmer and her in-crowd friends. They were the most popular group on campus. Many would offer their very souls to get in and be as popular as they were,



SC276: [Sunset] “Literally. *licks lips*”

Scarlet: No one was actually sure why this particular group was popular, but it was generally assumed it was because they were the only ones who had actual names and did not hang out with Rhymey.



but most knew that Sunset Shimmer was a rotten girl; a total snob, and above all things just plain bad news.



SC276: Honestly, probably a better protagonist than you.

Scarlet: Moralize harder, author! Harder! We are unable to draw conclusions without your narrative beating us with them in the face!



As the class continued, Sunset eyed across at Lightning from her seat, and was already plotting more things for him, and Flash, sitting next to her hated it when his girlfriend acted like this.



SC276: Caring about another guy? I suppose this is the age where such things would be more sensitive…

Scarlet: Hey, I’m not going to judge him… is what I’d say, but the other guy he’s concerned about is Lightning Dawn. I don’t care if you’re compassionate or bisexual, there is no compelling reason for any man or woman to be concerned for Lightning Dawn.



“Why did I ever get stuck dating an Earth-Girl like this?” he wondered to himself.



SC276: OK, garden-boy, art-boy, Rhymey, love-interest-girl, scientist-guy… Are we missing anyone? The magician, the cook... Oh yeah, the Monty Moles. Five bucks says at least one of them will be wearing a sombrero.

RJ: Ten on them either working at a Mexican restaurant, as a day laborer or landscaper.



ACT FOUR



SC276: We are officially out of Sonic territory.

Scarlet: At least until we reach Act 06, at which point the entire fic will glitch and self-destruct.

Topher: And then someone will write a shitty creepypasta about it.

Dark Angel: I’ll bet that creepypasta would be better than this shit.



By the end of the day Sunset was still complaining on how Lightning had brushed her off like that. “He doesn’t want to be popular and he just insults me like that? No one insults me like that.”



SC276: He insulted the principal for something that was his fault much worse than that. It’d probably be worse if you interrupted him while he was singing. With a car.

Scarlet: “No one except Grandruler anyway, but I’m pretty sure he’s off his meds constantly, so-”



Flash was growing annoyed with her whining “He didn’t really insult you. Give it a rest.”



SC276: I see we have a new candidate for the sane one.

Scarlet: Stop giving yourself and the rest of us false hope, SC. The God of Shenanigans refuses to touch the rest of this fic on the grounds that it’s zany enough without him.

Dark Angel: Don’t take what SC said too seriously. He means as sane as someone can get in this fic. I know that’s not saying much, but it’s better than nothing.



“Don’t tell me to give it a rest!” she snapped at him. She looked on an ahead and could see Lightning heading out the door. Flash gazed at him also with greater interest than his girlfriend.



Scarlet [hopefully]: ...Yaoi dating sim revived?



“There’s something odd about that kid.” he thought to himself, and he walked off. “Where do you think you’re going?” snapped Sunset.



SC276: [Sunset] “Especially with all those perspective changes tied up in one paragraph.”



“I’m going to meet with my mom. I’ve got stuff to do.” and he just left her there.



SC276: ...OK, Flash is either possessed by Sapphira, or the son of Sapphira. Either way, Flash is not coming out of this story intact. Can we get a word from a Flash hater here whether or not his destruction will be sweet enough to counteract the sourness that his destruction was done by Mykan?

Scarlet: All signs point to “nope”.

Dark Angel: It’s about the equivalent of pouring a bag of sugar into an ocean of lemon juice.



She angrily stomped her foot and huffed.



SC276: Ha-rumph! Ha-rumph, ha-rumph, ha-rumph!

Scarlet: And she puffed! And she BLEW THIS FIC DOWN!

Topher: Though she’d rather be blowing Lightning’s rainbow rod.

Dark Angel: It’s one of the few things she isn’t blowing yet.



As he left the school, he saw Lightning with his buddies up ahead, and a pale-blue car approached the front of the building. Flash hopped in next to his mother. She seemed to be hidden in the darkness.



Scarlet: You know, that kind of trope is really meant for a visual medium, Mykan. It’s okay to just not describe the character’s appearance right away if you’re hiding something. It’s the written word. We can do things like that.



“Where you able to find it?” she asked to her son. “No, Mother, and if what I suspect it true, we could be in for some bad news.”



SC276: Son of Sapphira. Waluigi confirmed.



He pointed out the window at the buddies, particularly towards Lightning. His mother saw him and gripped the steering-wheel in slight frustration.



RJ: Come on, just do it! GTA style! Don’t make me bust out Shia LeBeouf! Do it!



He did look heavily like Lightning, but it was uncertain if it was him for sure.



SC276: His shirt literally has his primary key on it. There is no way he could be mistaken for someone else. Except for another eerily similar Marty Stu.

Scarlet: Or Thunder Dusk, as we established earlier.



“We will have to watch him more closely. In the meantime we’ll continue our own search for what we seek.”



SC276: [Flash] “We’re sure it’s still a rod, right?”

Scarlet: The little-known sequel to Those Who Hunt Elves involving a lead who needs to check the rod of every student in his high school was, unsurprisingly, not as well received.



Lightning saw many of the students hop on busses for home,



SC276: Do high schools even have school buses? At least, for those things? I wouldn’t know, I’ve pretty much always lived close enough to my schools, I think I only rode the bus once outside of field trips.

Scarlet: They have ‘em. But there’s very good reasons to avoid riding them if you don’t have to.

Topher: As someone who had a 40 minute bus ride every day, I suddenly despise you SC.

Dark Angel: There was a period in time when I had a 60 minute bus ride. I went through a period of time when I was being shuttled from school to school. People were having issues trying to place me to the right education because of my developmental disability…please don’t make me remember school.



but Lightning remembered Grandruler was going to pick him up later. Buddy, Artie, and Rhymey met up with him. “Well, you made it through the first day.” said Buddy.



Scarlet: For instance, the possibility of having to sit near Rhymey.



“Are you kidding? I am so glad to be out of there.” said Lightning “This has been one of the most boring days of my life-- teaching me a whole bunch of things that I already know.”



SC276: [Lightning] “And a couple things I didn’t, but who gives a damn about those?”



That explained to the boys how he was able to finish all the assignments so easily. “But I thought you said you’ve never been to school before?” said Artie.



Scarlet: The entire fic was homeschooling propaganda all along!



Lightning rolled his eyes back and forth.



SC276: ~I roll my eyes back and forth…~



“Well, yeah. I was taught by my master.”



SC276: [Buddy] “I never knew martial arts masters also homeschooled at the high-school level. Wish I knew that a couple years ago.”

Scarlet: Master Asia never really talked about the pupils he had before Domon. Now we know why!

Topher: I just don’t want to know what sex ed with master Roshi was like. So much blood…

Dark Angel: I’m starting to lose track whether I should be riffing this fic or the riffers themselves.



He was about to tell the boys the whole deal, when he looked up, and saw that same bully who was picking on Starla was with four more bullies, they spotted Starla and walked up the street to catch up to her.



SC276: Those bullies really don’t want Lightning to spill the beans.

Scarlet: Bullies are like mushrooms. They just spawn in dark, moist environments.

Topher: And often, their appearance is based in bullshit.



“I smell trouble

…on double.” said Rhymey.



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey! ...You guys let me know if you feel this is starting to be overplayed. I really can’t tell.

Scarlet: Not so much overplayed as now preventing us from seizing the equally low-hanging fruit of a Team Rocket reference. On that note- “To protect the world from devastation!”

Topher: “To unite all people within our nation!”

SC276: “To denounce the evils of truth and love!”

Topher: “To Extend our reach to the stars above!”

Dark Angel: It’s official. This fic is quickly lowering the IQs of anyone who reads it.

Topher: Aww, we were almost to the end!

Scarlet: “Team Rocket, Blast Off at the speed of Light!” *punts Dark Angel into the distance* “Surrender now, or prepare to fight!”

RJ: “Meowth, that’s right!”

Fallen Prime: (just quietly claps)



Lightning narrowed his eyes and pursued after the bullies, but they had already caught up with Starla at the corner of the street, away from the school grounds.



Scarlet: Oh goodie. More chances for Lightning Dawn to rescue her. Feminism is currently in the corner, crying.



“Hello there, twinkle star.” mocked the leader. Starla looked up from her book, but didn’t respond and tried to keep walking, but two more of the bullies blocked her way. “Excuse me.” she sneered.



Scarlet: “sneered?”



“You’re excused.” said one of the bullies



SC276: That’s not nearly as clever as you think it is.

Dark Angel: Actually, Mykan is smarter than he leads us to believe. He’s intentionally making that bully an idiot who thinks he’s more clever than he is. Then again, I also believe that there’s a slight possibility that I’ll make it out of this fic with a fraction of my sanity.



as he flipped the book out of her hand. She bent down to pick it up, but it got kicked away. Now Starla was angry.



“Uh, oh, I think she’s gonna cry.”



SC276: I’m starting to think my parents were really good at picking schools, because do people like these really exist in real life?

Topher: They’re completely real! They hang out with the people who will constantly try to peer pressure you into smoking, and the unattractive girls who suddenly become bombshells by removing their glasses.



Lightning and the boys had just reached them, when Starla unleashed a furry of kicks and punches at the big brutes knocking them over like trees. “Oh, did I mention I study martial arts too?” she cheekily said.



SC276: Apparently not within earshot of them before now. How long as the semester been going? How long has she been holding back? And I’m fairly sure general martial arts is only mentioned when more than one art is learned, and who in this economy has the money for that?

Scarlet: ...Okay is it sad that I had so little faith in the author I didn’t see this coming?

Dark Angel: Don’t worry. If you had any faith in the author, that would be cause for concern.



The bullies just groaned as they got up feeling sore and ran away like cowards. Starla turned to pick up her book when she was startled by Lightning and the boys standing behind her.



SC276: And then she karate-chopped Lightning in half.

Scarlet: Well, economically speaking she probably studied Tae Kwan Do first, so more likely she roundhouse-kicked him in half and- look if we’re going to nitpick the use of the words martial arts I’m going to indulge a little too, damn it!



“Oh, you scared me.”



“Sorry.” Lightning said as he gave her back her book. “I didn’t know you could move like that.”



Scarlet: “But despite my surprise at the range of the motion of the human body I am still totally a normal human and not an alien species ha ha ha ha ha.”



Starla admitted she volunteered at the town library, larger than the school library, which was where she was headed then, and she usually found time to look in a book or two, not just about stars and astronomy.



SC276: Not sure what that’s supposed to mean in this context exactly, but if you’re saying she learned martial arts solely from those books, like without an instructor and training instruments like some dummies, HA HA no.

Scarlet: I presume she learned it by mimicking the movements of animals, just as the ancient masters did.

Topher: She fights with the might and ferocity of Angel Bunny!



She just didn’t defend herself in the lunchroom because fighting was against school rules, but since they were now away from the school, she just let it out.



SC276: *shrugs* Fair enough.

Scarlet: Actually, no, it’s really not. That scene served no narrative purpose other than to establish that Lightning is Good People, a thing that didn’t need establishing. We could’ve introduced Starla on the martial arts ass-kicking here, and it would’ve been even more effective.

SC276: .hguone riaF *sgurhs*

Dark Angel: Actually, if you take into account that it helps to make Lightning not realize that she could defend herself, I’d say it works. That way, this scene is a sudden thing that wasn’t expected.

Scarlet: We’ve got several years of Hollywood film-making and general “lone female gets assaulted in an alleyway” trope use to do that for us, bro.



Buddy, Artie, and Rhymey also admitted they knew a thing or two about martial arts and studied it in their spare time.



SC276: They seriously couldn’t have picked it up as kids? Kids can get karate lessons, author.

Scarlet: Apparently more kids in this town have studied martial arts than entire casts of Power Rangers.



“You should join us for study-buddies, Lightning.” Buddy offered.



Scarlet: Oh, yaoi dating sim, I miss you so...



Lightning wasn’t sure at first, but when realizing this would be his big chance to finally learn things about the world like he wanted to he decided, “Sure, why not. Oh, but I have to meet Grandruler now, to pick me up.”



Topher: [Lightning] “He said the deal fell through, and now he’s sending me to a different school. Something about “The bitch being too paranoid, and insisting on someone else.””



“Oh, no worries…” Artie said and he pulled out a device Lightning had never seen before, and he gazed at it strangely. “What? Haven’t you ever seen a cellphone before?” asked Artie



Lightning shook his head, which made the others wonder “What planet is this guy from?”



Scarlet: “AAAAH MY COVER IS BLOWN AAAAAAAAH-”

SC276: Do they literally have nothing like cell phones in Star Fleet? Like… seriously?! Even Star Trek TOS had like walkie-talkies!



He surprised Lightning again, informing Grandruler that Lightning was with them and he would know where to pick him up much later, to Grandruler understood.



Topher: [Grandruler] “A whole group of you meeting late at night? JACKPO- I mean, have fun! I’ll come by to pick you all up later! *hangs up* It’s finally payday for candyman.”



“You know Grandruler that personally?” asked Lightning.



“We all do,

Just as you.” said Rhymey.



Scarlet: Alright, Rhymey, if you’re never going to be remotely clever with your couplets then you can…

SC276: Shut the fuck up!

RJ: [Rhymey] The thing about Big Mister G, the thing you don’t see, is he’s the biggest P.I.M.P.



As they all walked off the library together the other four explained to Lightning how Grandruler helped all of them.



Scarlet: And of the Faustian bargains which had been made in exchange.

SC276: How convenient that the four boys and one girl living with the same benefactor guy all managed to get together and become friends.



Some of them started out as orphans; frightened, alone, and yet talented in some fields, like art, planting, poetry, and astronomy, but feared the world would never recognize them.



Scarlet: “The world will never understand the beauty of my tulip arrangements! It’s just not fair!”

Dark Angel: So which of them is talented in poetry? Oh, it’s Artie, isn’t it?



So, out of the kindness of his heart, he took them into his home at the Grand Manor,



SC276: *facepalms* I’m sorry, just… that was so freakin’ stupid, it was reflex.

Topher: [Buddy Rose] “There used to be three other girls. They left after Grandruler said that he had made a deal, and that they got adopted. we haven’t heard from them since, but we heard Grandruler in his study talking to himself about “How little money he got for them, considering how well they could ‘use their hips’” whatever that means.”



and raised them as if they were his own, he helped them find jobs, and paid for their induction and education.



Scarlet: He paid for their education while they were attending what appears to be a public school? He does know those are financed by taxes and not personal contributions from the parents, right?

SC276: [Grandruler] “I AM THE GOVERNMENT!”



Rhymey, however, was the only one of few who still had a family, and a very large one, and not many problems, but he still knew Grandruler personally having met him when he hung out with his friends.



Scarlet: “Not many problems” is, I suppose, just glossing over his ridiculous verbal tic.

Dark Angel: I just hope that his family doesn’t rhyme like Rhymey does all the time…SHIT!

RJ: [Rhymey] I did the crimes, paid the times, and they STILL want to lock up Rhymes!



To them, Grandruler was one of the kindest people on the entire island… but for some reason lately, he seemed to be more down in the dumps, and not in very pleasant moods, especially towards Celestia, but nobody knew why, or even a bigger mystery why Celestia was always in such a nasty mood herself; always blowing her head off at anyone near her, even when they didn’t do anything or even look at her.



Scarlet: The sentence is out of control! The run-on is going to derail! EVERYBODY RUN FOR COVER!

SC276: What do you mean didn’t do anything?! Lightning ran out in the middle of the road! He’s freakin’ liable!



The only person she seemed open to was her sister, VP Luna, who was probably the only one who knew what was wrong with her sister, but refused to tell anyone as it was understood between them.



Scarlet: Presumably because they’re both aware that Grandruler hunts down and destroys all those who disagree with him.

Topher: [Grandruler] “Nobody fucks with candyman.”



This made Lightning feel a little remorseful for his previous run-ins with Celestia. “Well, still, she doesn’t have any right to be such a grouch.” he said, and his friends agreed, practically half the students at school agreed Celestia’s temper issues were going too deep, but nobody knew what to do for her.



Scarlet: She got pissed all of once this riff, over ridiculously inept file-keeping. The temper. The horror.

SC276: She’ll probably feel better once she’s out of this fic.

Dark Angel: But the memories will haunt her forever.



Still, it was best not to think about her now.



They made it to the town library, and Lightning ran into another familiar resemblance. Ms. Inquerious the head librarian, and Starla’s supervisor.



Scarlet: I’m so glad I don’t know who any of these people are. It really takes away from the monotony of Mykan introducing a previous cast for the sake of showing off their human versions.

SC276: Oh right, the librarian.



She knew the gang personally and often reserved them a quiet table to study at, but Lightning was also told that she suffered from a stroke a few years back which impaired a part of her brain for her vocal facilities. Now she could only speak through questions,



Topher: Oh, she must be the best at a game of questions.

Dark Angel: Perhaps I should bring her to a game of Jeopardy…How does a stroke cause someone to speak only in questions?



but she was very nice nonetheless.



Scarlet: I’m sorry, I must have misread that last paragraph. I thought it just indicated that Mykan stole a character idea from Power Rangers Turbo.

SC276: If that’s where he got it from back in 2012 for the original fic, yeah, pretty much.



“You will inform me if you need any help?” she asked. The teens smiled at her and nodded in thanks. Inquerious sighed “How is it that not all children are like them?”



Scarlet: Also strokes which impair verbal functions don’t leave you this erudite normally.



Lightning found many of the subjects he was interested in that he didn’t learn at the school, about Earth and its history, space, geographies.



Scarlet: “Earth history is fascinating to me as a native earth-person is that not right, fellow earth-people, ha ha ha ha ha ha.”

SC276: What crappy high school doesn’t offer a history class?!



He found it all so incredibly fascinating he wished his friends back at home could see all this with him. So maybe school would be a tad boring to him, at least he had a way to learn more effectively of what he wanted to learn.



Scarlet: Again- whole fic is secretly homeschooling propaganda.



Still, nothing he would learn in the books would help him find the Rainbow Rod or Sapphira, which reminded him as he reached in under his shirt and pulled out the transport-jewel, and it had faded slightly. It now had only four weeks before its magic disappeared.



Scarlet: Oh no only slightly less than a month oh my god there is just so little time to accomplish this task noooo.

SC276: He had a count of thirty days going in. First day was prancing in the middle of the street and arguing with a hotel clerk, second was the last two chapters, so… the author’s only technically right.



“What’s that?” Starla asked quietly as she stared at the jewel. The boys saw it too and thought it was pretty, and Lightning decided to come clean “Okay, you guys, listen carefully…”



Scarlet: “Rhymey, nobody here actually likes you. We tolerate you because we feel bad for you. That’s all.”

SC276: [Lightning] “Now that there are no bullies here to interrupt.”



and he told them everything about his mission, and even showed them the picture of the Rainbow Rod and how he had to find it before Sapphira did, but the others thought it all just a joke, and did their best not to break out laughing loud in the library.



“It’s the truth.” Lightning said.



Scarlet: “I understand your incredulity as up until this point my earth-human disguise has been completely flawless.”



“Lightning, you don’t have to make up stories.” said Buddy “We already consider you one of us, no matter how strange you may think you are.”



Scarlet: “One of us! One of us! Gooble-Gobble, one of us!”



Artie looked at the jewel and as convincing as he thought it looked, he had seen glowing fake-jewelry like that at the crafts shop where he worked. “Still, it is beautiful. It looks so real.”



Scarlet: Having worked in a place that carries semi-precious stones, they don’t look that much like the real thing.



“It is real.” Lightning protested “Why won’t you believe me?”



Scarlet: “Earth-humans why do you not understand that I am not an earth-human?”



“Lightning, as much I hate to say this, but there’s no concrete evidence suggesting that alternate universes actually exist.” said Starla. “I should know. I’ve gone over a lot of these books.”



Scarlet: “They do, however, make a very convincing case that you’re suffering from a mental illness. I’m going to call some people who can get you help.”



Lightning tried to protest again, but the library was about to close and everyone had to leave. Lightning groaned in dismay that no one believed him still.



SC276: What, you can’t protest further once you’re outside?



As he walked out into the street, Rhymey was waiting for his bus, when he looked across the street at the animal shelter where a pretty teenage girl with pink hair was feeding the rabbits, and reading the very letter that he had slipped into her locker.



Scarlet: Oh goodie. Yet another canon character for this story to abuse.



“Your smile is as bright as the sun in the sky

Your kindness to animals makes my heart fly.

And though you are timid, you’re sweet as pie.

You are very special to me, Fluttershy.”



Scarlet: Sorry SC, I’m taking this one. *takes a deep breath* Ahem… Shut the Rhymey Up, Fuck! There, did I do it right?

SC276: …OK, one, I didn’t come up with that, I got it from previous Mykan riffs. Two: *facepalm*

Fallen Prime: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey’s writing.

Dark Angel: I just want to point out that even though that letter was from Rhymey, the fact that it rhymes isn’t special since that’s common with love letters. So I don’t know if this is a moment where we should tell Rhymey to shut the fuck up. Of course I’m not against it either.



The girl, Fluttershy, blushed and giggled nervously. “Oh, I wish I knew who wrote this. she said softly,



Scarlet: “because it’s the third one today and now they’re starting to get really creepy.”

SC276: [Fluttershy] “It couldn’t possibly be the only person in the entire school that speaks entirely in rhymes for no real reason.”



but there was no name written, and there were many students who wrote poetry at school; the poets crowd.



SC276: Clique. CLIQUE.

Dark Angel: I’m trying, but I can’t change the channel.



Rhymey sighed heavenly as he gazed at her, and Lightning could guess the obvious. “You really like her.”



Scarlet: “Your engagement in earth-human courtship rituals seems to indicate as such, anyway.”



Rhymey nodded, even the others knew he was crushing on Fluttershy.



SC276: It’s getting through to these thick fucks, that’s how obvious it is. Like, crushing on Fluttershy and rhyming are literally Rhymey’s only personality traits.

Topher: That and being told to shut the fuck up.

Dark Angel: You mean Rhymey has other personality traits?



She was beautiful, smart, kind, and loving and caring to animals; everything he imagined as his dream girl; one who was like him with a gentle soul.



RJ: [Rhymey] I want to take her out, right into my Impala. We’ll get nasty and I’ll ride that ass like a Honda.

Scarlet: And, like him, occasionally snapped and released a deep well of suppressed, violent emotions into the world all at once in dramatic fashion.

Topher: Like this! (shoots Scarlet in the head) *Contented Sigh* I love therapy murder.

Scarlet: Hey Topher, remember what we established last time you did this shit? No? Good.

Topher: No, I remember! You’re a witch, and you can recover from pretty much anything, Or as I think of it, I can pump as much lead into you as I please with no consequences! Welcome to the wonderful life of being target practice.

Scarlet: I was referring to this bit. *snaps Topher’s neck*

Topher: Oh yeah! (falls over)



Lightning asked “Why don’t you just go up to her and tell her yourself?”



Scarlet: “I realize this concept may be alien on earth, but on Harmonious there are things called ‘dates’, which-”



but Rhymey felt too embarrassed to even consider doing that.



Topher: BETA AS FUCK.

Scarlet: *reflexively punches Topher* I… no, not even going to apologize for that.

Topher: Good, because I’m not apologizing for this. (shoots Scarlet in the head)

Scarlet: I didn’t expect you to. Also, stop feeding the MRAs. Please.

Topher: I’m not! That’s the national rifle association, this is a pistol!

Scarlet: MRA, not NR- you know what, fuck it.



“Alas, dear me…

I am as shy as she.

For now I can only continue to write

And keep far away from her sight.”



Scarlet: “For if I were to approach her border/she’d remind me of her restraining order.”

SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey! ...You’re good, though, Scarlet. Keep going.

Dark Angel: Stop with your rhyme. This isn’t the time.



Lightning sighed; a typical reaction for most cases of guys in love. He knew this too well himself, back home when it came to someone special whom he liked.



SC276: And who’s human equivalent is right freakin’ there.



Rhymey’s bus came and he had to leave, but he cast one last look at Fluttershy before getting on.



Scarlet: And we’ll leave Rhymey to his perverse fantasies as we move on to the next bit of the story.

Dark Angel: Thankfully this means we won’t have to deal with his rhyming. And in turn, we won’t have to listen to SC’s whining.

Topher: As he glanced away, a shadowy figure wearing a name tag “Not Grandruler” snatched him from the sidewalk and stuffed him into a limo, driving off before anyone realized he was kidnapped.



…



Soon, Lightning was back at the manor, and he asked Grandruler if he could see the manor’s library. “Well, if it will help you catch up on studies, go right ahead.”



Topher: [Grandruler] “Be sure to re-review your special textbook, or I won’t be able to get you adopted!” [Lightning] “This is a copy of the Kama Sutra.” [Grandruler] “READITDAMNYOU”



He showed him to the massive library, which was nearly as big as the town library,



SC276: [Grandruler] “I considered donating some of it to the town library where they would actually be read, but I’m a dick.”

Topher: [Grandruler] “Also, if one of the books opens a secret passageway, put it back, even if you hear what sounds like your gardener friend screaming.”



and Lightning got straight to studying more about the Earth and Space. Grandruler had never known anyone with such eagerness to learn, not to mention crash coursing. “There’s something unusual about that boy.”



Scarlet: “Why does he keep referring to me as Earth-Human-Ruler, anyway?”

Topher: [Grandruler] “I bet I could sell him to some of my more… eccentric clients.”



As he walked off and left Lightning on his own, he passed by a large portrait in the hallway, of himself in his spacesuit, with his helmet off, and saluting. He smiled proudly at the portrait and saluted back to it. Chef Cookie Dough saw him.



SC276: Oh there you are. I had hoped you’d be the cafeteria chef, actually.



“You miss those days, don’t you sir? You must be proud to have been one of few men to set foot on the moon.”



Topher: [Grandruler] “Not really. Ever been to the moon? It’s a shithole.”



“Oh, it’s all a long time ago and well behind me, Chef. I’m a businessman now. My place is here on Earth, helping people out when they need it most.”



SC276: And completely failing.



Chef admired his master for his ways, “Tell me sir, do you not think you will ever have someone special to share this wonderful of yours with?”



SC276: [Grandruler] “The details of my wonderful are between me and Mrs. Grandruler, thank you very much.”

Scarlet: The chef’s got weak pick-up lines. *sighs* My precious yaoi dating sim...



Grandruler felt a little low at that. “No, Chef, I don’t think there is anyone, not in that manner. Besides the children and teens that I help and knowing they have a chance is all I really need.”



SC276: Where do the others that Grandruler helped live? Like, seriously, they’re teenagers also attending school. Having jobs doesn’t guarantee them a home, especially since they’re still, well, students that can’t work adult hours.

Topher: He had “arrangements” made with his “clients” to “adopt” them.





He then walked off to his office, but once he was alone, he looked really down in the dumps. On his desk was a framed photograph of himself and a familiar woman near him wearing a victory wreath, and holding a riding trophy. Behind then was a racing horse, also wearing a victory wreath.



SC276: Astronaut, superintendant, and hotel owner, that used to date a horse racer? Sure, why the fuck not.

Scarlet: He just spawns Stus by mitosis, at this point.



He sighed heavily to himself “It’s just not possible anymore.



Topher: Yes it is, they have special pills now!



She’s not the woman you remember.”



SC276: Nor the woman we actually know.



…



As Lightning continued to study, he could hear a tapping coming from one of the large windows. “Krysta…” He hastily opened the window and let her in. She was exhausted after flying all around the entire island all day. “Did you find out anything?”



Scarlet: “Just this severed head, a used condom, and the Ark of the Covenant!”



“Only how hard birds have it.” Krysta panted, and explained that all day she was chased by cats and dogs, pelted at by mean kids with stones, and other birds thinking she was trying to invade their turfs.



Scarlet: What can I say? We warned her not to head out there during Splatfest!



There was one particular dog that picked on her a lot in the park before she got there. It was purple with green floppy ears and a dyed green tuft of hair on its head. She was saved by the dog’s owner; a girl with lilac skin and long dark blue hair with pink and purple streaks.



SC276: I don’t recall Twilight ever visiting the park in EqG offhand, and I doubt Sunset’s already started her plot or else the front of the school is going to blow up in two days, so this is probably the original Twilight and Spike of this world.

Topher: It’s adorable how you think you can apply logic and canon.

Dark Angel: Don’t misinterpret what SC is saying. That’s the only logical conclusion that can be found in this fic. That’s all.



“Sorry, I didn’t find out what we wanted to know.”



Lightning sighed “That’s just dandy.”



SC276: Yeah, at this rate, we’re not going to finish by Act Five and thus prove that Mykan has no idea how to title chapters.

Scarlet: Maybe it’s a Jacobean revenge tragedy- no wait, still the wrong number.



“Well don’t feel bad, we still have four weeks.” said Krysta “Something’s bound to show up. We just have to keep looking.”



Lightning knew she was right, but he wished people would start believing about his stories and stuff, then maybe things would go smoother, but every time he tried to prove it, he got interrupted by other things.



SC276: Stop thinking the universe has it out for you, author. ...Granted, it probably does, but it started later than you think.



Still, there was plenty of time, and he wasn’t willing to give up, but he and Krysta couldn’t help but sake off the sneaky feeling that somewhere, danger was lurking and ready to strike at any second.



SC276: Try drinking more sake, then.

Scarlet: I would, but I left my flower-studded dish back on Mt. Ooe. And that wooshing noise was me losing readers. Again! BOOYA, best editor!

Topher: (Grandruler realizes he’s been spotted, and scurries back into the closet, nearly dropping the chloroform)



Author’s notes:



That’s actually Twilight’s original Human Counterpart (Surely there has to be one) and also seeing as the REAL TWILIGHT is not in that world yet.



SC276: Uh, yeah, I straight up guessed that. In fact, Pinkie alluded to there being an original human Twilight when she was introduced in the film. The fact you had to say it out loud indicates your only positive quality is that you know your target audience could only be idiots.

Dark Angel: It’s not that his target audience are idiots, it’s that anyone who’s unlucky enough to read this become idiots from loss of IQ.



ACT FIVE





The next day, Lightning was off to school. He was especially looking forward today, because Canterlot High had what some schools called Day Rotations. Some days they had certain classes, and other days they had other classes, but they still had the same classes as usual to get through.



SC276: It’s been ages since I’ve been to high school, so I don’t remember if mine did it, but this nonetheless would have been nice to know… two chapters ago.

Scarlet: It’s a thing that happened in some in my area. I have no personal experience because I went to religious school to learn theology and self-loathing! *blows noisemaker*

Topher: We learn those in public school too! We call those classes “Religious Studies” and “Physical Education.”

Dark Angel: Don’t get me started on Phys Ed.



Today, right at the start, however, things didn’t go off well. For starters he saw three girls Rarity, a girl who strongly resembled Starla, and there was Pinkie Pie, and Applejack



SC276: [Lightning] “Whose names I totally know even though it is an interquel and I haven’t been to the real Equestria yet. In fact, the author said at the beginning of all this that I haven’t been to Equestria yet.”

Scarlet: “Greetings named earth-humans. Please explain to me if you have seen my large, upright rod?”



bidding good morning to Celestia, and all she did was scoff and walk into the school in a grouchy huff. “Galloping galaxies, what is with her?” Lightning muttered to himself, but suddenly he could hear the sound of a dog barking.



SC276: Suddenly, Chain Chomp.

Topher: Pleasegetmauledpleaseetpauledpleasegetmauled



He turned round and saw a dog, matching the description Krysta gave him the other night, chasing Krysta across the schoolyard.



SC276: ...OK. As far as I know, original human Twilight was… nowhere near the school at like any point ever. If she was already enrolled and just missed two days, I wouldn’t know why. I am braced for maximum pain.

Scarlet: Oh look. I found my sake dish. *slams back a mouthful*

Topher: That won’t be nearly enough for this fic. *Chugs a bottle of rubbing alcohol* …I regret nothing. *falls over*

Dark Angel: Now this is what I like in a fic! *chugs a bottle of rum*



“Hey!” shouted Lightning as he began to chase down the dog.



Krysta looked behind her as the angry dog chased her



SC276: You’re only just now noticing?



and then she fluttered up into a tree.



Topher: This chase loses any of the tension it might have had when you remember krysta can fly away at any point.

Dark Angel: I feel like it would make more sense if Krysta was a cat. Then it would make more sense if a dog was chasing her.

Scarlet: Neither of you have ever owned a dog, have you?

Topher: Does a ten-pound yorkshire terrier count?

Dark Angel: I did. But I think he was classified as neurotic.



The mutt barked and snarled as he scratched at the tree, but Krysta grabbed a twig and threw at him. “Go away!” she snarled, but this only made the dog angrier.



SC276: Girl, you’re a robin, not a fairy. You can’t just drop a boulder on people anymore.

Scarlet: Now you can claw out his eyes instead!

Topher: If she was a swallow, she could manage a coconut!



Finally Lightning showed up. “Leave her alone, ya mutt!” he shouted. The dog looked up at him, and like most dogs he could sense that he was no ordinary human



SC276: Does that mean you’re indirectly calling Sunset Shimmer a bitch?

Scarlet: That or we’ve wandered back into the furry fandom. I thought I left it behind years ago!

SC276: Um, hate to break it to ya, buddy...



as Krysta was no ordinary bird, and growled at him. Lightning growled back and looked ready to let the dog have it.



SC276: Gheeze, actually kicking the dog? Is violence your first reaction to freakin’ everything?

Scarlet: “Measured earth-human response initiate! RIDERRRRR….. KIIIIIICK!”

Topher: HOW DARE YOU MOCK THE VIOLENTLY INCLINED! I’LL KILL YOU!

Dark Angel: Somebody call PETA.



“Stop!” shouted a voice, and Lightning could see a girl, also matching Krysta’s description from last night-- the dog’s owner, running up to them with a leash in her hand “Leave Spike alone!”



Scarlet: “Zounds! The earth-beast has reinforcements! I shall have to do battle with multiple foes!”



“I will when you get him to leave my bird alone.” snapped Lightning. Krysta fluttered onto his shoulder. “That’s your robin?” asked the girl,



SC276: Yeah, I wouldn’t buy it either.



and her dog kept barking at Krysta and Lightning. “Spike, down boy…!” the girl growled as she tugged on the leash, and all the noise and commotion alerted Celestia. “What is going on here?” she said deeply



Scarlet: Deeply enough to resemble Samuel Jackson. In my mind, at least.



and then scolded angrily “Twilight Sparkle, I thought I had told you that pets are not permitted on school grounds!”



“I’m sorry ma’am, but I had to bring him.” cried Twilight. “There isn’t anyone at home to look after him, and I was going to keep him out here.”



SC276: This isn’t Equestria, Twilight. Dogs can look after themselves at home just fine, and if this is the middle of the year or something, he should probably be used to being home alone by now.

Scarlet: And the clouds move all on their own!



Celestia’s anger was rising and she growled. “No pets means No pets period!”



SC276: I still say she’s primarily pissed at how Grandruler keeps going “Screw the rules, I made ‘em.”

Scarlet: Celestia spends three willpower in rapid succession after blowing multiple frenzy chops.



Lightning felt his own anger rising and clenched his fist, but Krysta whispered into his ear “Don’t do it. You’ll get in bigger trouble.”



Scarlet: “Krysta, if I have learned anything in our stay here on earth, it is that earth-human authority figures are all subservient to my whims if I summon some old dude!”



Luckily he didn’t have to, as VP Luna came along, having seen the commotion. “Sister… I mean, Principal Celesita, stop.”



Scarlet: Well I’d be pissed too if nobody could spell my name right. Right, SC726?

SC276: Indeed, Starlet.



Her sister took a few deep breaths and calmed down, and Luna managed to talk her into letting Twilight keep Spike tied to the tree away from the school and the yard.



SC276: We don’t learn how because Mykan always summarizes the vital parts of the story instead of risking showing any actual character.



“Lightning Dawn, I’m afraid the same applies to you and your bird.” Luna said.



Lightning nodded. “It’s okay, I have her well trained. She won’t cause trouble if she stays out here.”



RJ: [Krysta] I’ll just poop on her car. [Celestia] What was that? [Lightning] I’ll watch her from afar!



“I should hope so, for your sake.” Celestia sneered gruffly. Lightning narrowed his eyes at her. “You don’t scare me, you know that?”



SC276: There’s no way this guy is in anything resembling an army. You just don’t talk to superiors like that. That would be a dishonorable discharge right there.



Celestia clenched her fists, but the warning bell rang,



SC276: “Saved by the bell” is just an expression, author. It doesn’t have to keep happening all the time.

Scarlet: “WARNING. WARNING. THIS STORY VIOLATES VONNEGUT’S FIRST RULE OF WRITING. ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.”



and she and her sister headed for the school, but Celestia was really starting to get on Lightning’s nerves.



SC276: Well you’re getting on ours, so quid pro quo.

Scarlet: Lightning is currently taking up space in my nervous system at this moment. Trace amounts of him, anyway. *burps*

Topher: [Krysta] “I am so shtting on her car” [Lightning] “Too late, I already did” [Krysta] “Then I’ll just- WHAT?!”

Dark Angel: Haven’t you heard? To this day, Lightning has never been potty trained.



He was snapped out of it when Twilight scoffed “Lightning Dawn? What kind of name is that?”



Lightning glared at her “Well what kind of name is Twilight Sparkle?”



SC276: This is getting old and shouldn’t happen. All three involved universes have the same naming conventions, they shouldn’t find each other’s names weird!

Scarlet: I think Mykan wanted this to be a joke. Like, it’s supposed to be funny that they’re being hypocritical.

Topher: … HA. …

Scarlet: Yeah, that’s an appropriate response.



Twilight huffed and walked towards the school. Lightning gazed down and Spike who was still growling at him. Lightning walked away from the tree with Krysta still on his shoulder.



Scarlet: Annnd score for ‘boring regular dating sim’ once again. *le sigh*



She flew into his hand. “I’m starting to hate this world a lot more.” Krysta said.



SC276: I’m starting to hate this fic a lot more.

Dark Angel: I’m starting to hate the fact that it’s possible to hate this fic even more than before.

Scarlet: I’m starting to hate myself for unrelated reasons!

Topher: I’ve never stopped hating you all!



“Never mind that now.” Lightning said.



Lightning’s four friends were running up the street nearly late for school when they saw Lightning. “What’s he doing?” asked Buddy. “I don’t believe it; he’s talking to a bird.” said Artie



Scarlet: “Actually I’m less impressed with that and more that he hasn’t said the words ‘Earth-Robin’ to it once.”



“Talking to a bird?

That’s the silliest I’ve heard.” said Rhymey.



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: “Alas, I shall continue to cause you pain/For there are no brakes on this rhyme train.”

Dark Angel: And honestly, it’s not that strange for someone to talk to their pet birds.



Lightning finished explaining to Krysta if she wanted to hang around the school, she’d have to keep out of sight and trouble.



SC276: [Krysta] “What did you think I was trying to do yesterday, know-it-all?”

Scarlet: “Actively search for some shred of anything to connect all this bullshit back to the main plot macguffin?”



Then he sent her off.



“Lightning…” Starla said, making him jump in shock. “Oh, guys!”



“Are… you okay?”



“I’m fine, really.”



“Still having fantasies about that Star Force you were talking about?” Buddy teased.



Scarlet: Not sure if questioning about his sexual fantasies counts towards regular or yaoi dating sim’s plausibility points. I shall file it under both and continue.

RJ: Shitty fic? Please don’t bring a shitty Mega Man game into this. kthxbye.



“Star… fleet!” Lightning sneered “And it’s not a fantasy, and I’ll prove it to you, somehow.”



SC276: [Lightning] “Once the plot decides it’s convenient.”

Scarlet: So since he sneered it, I’m assuming he delivered that line in his best Alan-Rickman-as-Snape voice.



The next bell rang, and the five friends realized they were going to be late for class.



SC276: Actually, since the last bell was the warning bell, they are late for class.

Scarlet: “There’s no actual purpose for that last bell. We just added it for narrative convenience.”



They ran into the school fast. Lightning put on a little extra speed and zoomed across, much to his friends shock and confusion.



SC276: You are literally the worst undercover agent ever.

Scarlet: “Why are you surprised earth-humans, I am simply executing the highest possible level of speed while still maintaining my disguise’s plausibility. HA HA HA HA-”



Lightning made it to his locker and fast, but the second he got it open a bucket of cold water spilled right on him, soaking him from head to shoe.



Scarlet: “OH GOD THE SENSATION IS NOT WHAT I AM ACCUSTOMED TO WHAT FOUL MANNER OF EARTH-GREETING IS THIS”



Many of the students laughed at him, and Sunset and Flash peered round the corner.



Scarlet: “And now that he’s distracted, it’s time to steal Pikachu!” “Damn it, Flash, the Team Rocket bit ended halfway up the riff!”

Topher: OH SHIT! *tackles Scarlet* Be careful making jokes like that! Our fourth wall is fragile as it is, we don’t need this story breaking out!

Dark Angel: Imagine the horror if this fic made it into the real world.



Everyone laughed at him and Sunset snickered proudly believing she had gotten well deserved revenge, much to Flash’s annoyance.



SC276: Where did that even come from? That prank relies on the door starting ajar, to have a place to put the bucket. Did Lightning leave his locker open overnight? With how inept he’s been, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Dark Angel: Well, perhaps the bucket of water was set on top of the lockers in general, and a string attaching to the bucket was tied to the locker. That way, when Lightning opened the locker, it would pull the bucket down…Oh god! Did I just defend this fic?!



Lightning, however, stood out in the middle of the hallway and spun around in a pirouette really fast,



RJ: He spins himself right round baby, right round, like a record.



shaking the water off him, sprinkling everyone else, including Sunset, and Lightning was completely dry and straightened his hair before running down the hall.



SC276: ……… WHAT. Just… WHAT?! *head explodes*

Scarlet: “I was told by Grandruler that this is a traditional method of earth-dog response to unaccustomed wetness. Is it abnormal for earth-humans to engage in this behavior? Please respond, earth-friends.”



Many of the students couldn’t believe it, especially Sunset, with her hair dripping wet. Flash couldn’t help but laugh at how silly she looked,



Scarlet: Girlfriend is soaking wet and your first thought is “herp, derp, so goofy.” Are you sure that he’s a teenage boy who’s interested in women?



but his girlfriend clenched her teeth and fists and got so mad that she practically dried herself off with the heat from her body. “This means war!” she growled.



SC276: [Bugs Bunny] “Of course you realize this means war!” Don’t worry, Sunset, I’m still on your side in this mess. Especially after that blast of blatant Stu-ness.

RJ: But what is war good for?



…



For the first half of the day, Lightning got through his basic classes, and he was especially excited when lunch came,



RJ: Lunch: The only period he’s passing. Albeit with a C-, but still.



because after then, he had a couple of new classes on his rotation day, P.E and Dramatic Arts.



Scarlet: “I foresee no issues which could arise from breaking my cover purely for the sake of getting a few people who already accept my friendship to realize I’m telling the truth about being a space alien.”



This was exactly what he needed to start showing off some of his skills and hopefully someone would believe him and his stories of his mission.



SC276: The most painful part of this is that Sapphira and Flash will come after him the moment he proves he’s superpowered in order to silence him, which means this plan will actually work.



In the lunchroom, however, Lightning saw two twin Spanish brothers sitting at the table with his friends, and they, too, were familiar resemblances. “Dyno and Myte…?”



SC276: And here’s the Monty Moles! Which one has the sombrero?

Scarlet: Ay, mi.



The boys looked up. “Hola! You must Lightning.” said Dyno.



SC276: Gheeze, they’re demanding.

Scarlet: AND SO I SHALL! *strikes the story with Lightning, repeatedly*



“Hey, wait a minute. How did you know our names?” asked Myte. The other friends wanted to know as well, they had told the boys about Lightning, but not to Lightning about them. “Oh, well… uh… I’ve… heard stories about you boys from around.”



Scarlet: Yaoi dating sim counter marks a slight increase. I know you can do it! You have the power!



The boys shrugged in confusion, but they were glad to know him anyway.



SC276: [Dyno] “No time for awkwardness, hombre. Let’s get on with the plot. Vamanos!”

Scarlet: My only regret is that having dipped into the Jojo and Touhou wells, I can’t really bring myself to do a proper “Six Times the Passion of Ordinary Flamenco” joke.



They were away sick for a couple of days but were all better now and ready to get back into action, especially in P.E and get good workouts.



SC276: Convenient how they’re away on the days they don’t have phys ed.



“It’s always been our passion to have strong jobs with heavy lifting and stuff.” said Dyno. “So we workout constantly, we dare say we’re the strongest male athletes in the school.” added Myte.



SC276: So, jocks. Whatever, I’ll roll with it.

Scarlet: I shall freely imagine bara poses instead of reading furth- dammit, I said I’d finish this thing.

Topher: Aww, I was hoping they’d be the school pyros. That would actually make more sense, considering the whole “fire and explosives” thing that makes up the bulk of their character.

SC276: Actually, given the bulk of their character is being Spanish, they should by all means be exchange students.

Dark Angel: Well, that would require the bulk of their character to actually be Spanish.



“Then how come you’re not like me?” bragged a voice. Everyone looked up and Lightning saw a girl with rainbow colored hair. This was Rainbow Dash, the captain of every single sports team at Canterlot High.



SC276: Which Lightning knows somehow.

Scarlet: I presume it’s like the beginning of Digimon, and every time a plot-relevant core cast member appears their name shows up at the bottom of the screen.

SC276: Given Mykan’s seen at least Adventure 02, that’s a possibility.



“What do you want now, Rainbow?” hissed Dyno. “We were already sick enough over the last few days without having to listen to you brag all the time.” growled Myte



SC276: Well we’re sick of this fic.

Scarlet: “You have taken our honor! Our glory! All we have left are these cheesy Latino-isms! And we’re Filipino!”



“Ah, relax, you guys. You know I didn’t mean it like that.” said Rainbow “But you know I am right. I’m not the--”



“…Captain of every team for nothing.” The others, except Lightning, said with disdain.



SC276: If he was going to say that, why state it in the introduction just now? Stop repeating yourself!



“Seriously, Rainbow, how can you act so cocky like this all the time?” asked Buddy Rose.



SC276: [Rainbow] “It was easy once every other aspect of my character was stripped away.”



“Someone has to.” Rainbow said as she headed off.



Scarlet: “No seriously, I have to. I’m being mentally dominated into this state by the author.” There you go, kids. There’s your fridge horror riff.



“She’s probably just excited about the grand game coming up.” said Artie.



“Grand game…?” asked Lightning.



SC276: Who refers to a game as grand?

Scarlet: Well, a few people I know who taught me to play chess. And weirdly the guy who taught me Magic: The Gathering as well.



The others explained how Canterlot High had reached the finals of the grand co-ed basketball playoffs,



SC276: Especially a basketball game? Especially teenagers? They’d call it like the “big game,” not the “grand game.”

Scarlet: Is Mykan an english-speaker primarily? Most of the rest of the fic doesn’t have the hallmarks that come with foreign-language speakers trying to conquer the barrier, but this “second cousin” word use is a huge indicator.



and the big game was in a few weeks,



SC276: Sunnava bitch, author, make up your mind!



near the end of the month. Canterlot would be playing against Crystal High, a long time rivaling school which had held the championship title for some time.



SC276: Slytherin keeps winning the House Cup.

Scarlet: ...this is relevant because the Rainbow Rod is the trophy, isn’t it?

SC276: ...Shit, I didn’t even think of that! Probably because it doesn’t look anything like a sports trophy.

Dark Angel: What’s sad about this fic is that it doesn’t even have it’s own plot. It has to steal an already existing plot. And the plot of Equestria Girls no less.



“We’ve tried our very best,

But they always emerge above the rest.” said Rhymey.



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: “Unto your grave these words shall follow/take my rhymes, bitch, and fucking swallow.”

Topher: Shut the fuck up, Scarlet!

Dark Angel: Shut the fuck up with all these rhymes! I can’t take anymore of these literary crimes!

Topher: Shut the fuck up, Angel!



Lightning felt sorry for everyone, and actually wished there was something he could do. “Well, they’re still looking for extra players on the team, but no one’s ever qualified enough to make it. They want the best of the best.” said Starla



“Even we thought of signing up, but why bother?” said Buddy.



Lightning could see now. “It sounds to me like you all have a lack of confidence. You’ll never win with an attitude like that.”



SC276: They’re a gardener, an artist, a literature major, and an astronomer. Even if they’ve taken self-defense courses, that doesn’t mean they want to be athletes. Between their studies and their apparent jobs to support the apparent houses they live in because they’re not leeching off Mr. Trump like Lightning is, they don’t have the time.

Scarlet: Actually given their pedigree, it’s more likely that this is a backdoor Power Rangers/Equestria Girls crossover.

SC276: I think backdoor Power Rangers crossovers is like, half of Mykan’s work.



The others didn’t see what difference it made,



SC276: Exactly what I just said.



and Lightning protested that confidence and believing in one’s self helped make all the difference of all.



SC276: All the redundancy of all too.

Scarlet: The fic’s producing toxic levels of hack writing! I don’t think I’m going to make it!

SC276: You freakin’ better, I’m not going to be the only one getting to the end of the part again!

Scarlet: I will survive! I will finish this shit! My riff is the riff that will SPORK THE HEAVENS!

SC276: ...Good enough!

Dark Angel: Hey, I made it to the end of the last part too. Granted, I remember absolutely nothing about the last part. But who wouldn’t repress their memories of this fic? Once we’re done here, I’ll probably forget that I was a part of it yet again until the next part…I hope.

SC276: OK, I was the only editor to get down there, as was previously stated. I apologize for that and congratulate you making it. But still.



“Whenever I was faced with challenges, I lost hope and didn’t think my life would get any better, and then one day, because I kept on trying and still believed, everything turned out okay.”



SC276: [Lightning] “I mean, it still sucked because I’m still being written by this guy, but it was a little better than before.”

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “What really helps is when I would randomly break into song.”



The others began to feel he was on to something. Most of them had lost their confidence while they were just orphans, and alone, but they kept on going and eventually met Grandruler and he helped them



Scarlet: God damn it, so many jokes, so few tastef- that is not an invitation we are stopping the pedobear train now!



to discover the path to a better life, but they still didn’t feel it was enough to help their school win the basketball game.



SC276: [Artie] “I’m fine with just being really good at art and making a living with that.” [Lightning] “No, you must do ALL THE THINGS.”

Topher: Ok, being able to make money on an art career alone? Before college? Now we’ve crossed the line of disbelief.



Starla also had other plans.



SC276: Because girls can’t play sports, amirite?

Scarlet: Well they can, but it turns them into braggarts and corrupts their morals or some shit. See exhibit Rainbow Dash.



She reached into her bag and pulled out a poster “The Music Masters?” asked Lightning.



Scarlet: “Earth-human sex clubs have weird names.”



Starla nodded “It’s the school’s upcoming theatrical production,



SC276: Initial Google searches show two primary things referred to as “The Music Masters,” one of which is a wedding DJ service in New York and the other is an event at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. So… eh.

Scarlet: I presume he’s trying an off-brand reference to The Music Man. Which begs the question of why you wouldn’t just say it’s the fucking Music Man.



and I’ve decided to try out for the role of the leading lady.”



SC276: You just guaranteed that Lightning will get the role of the leading man, you know that?

Scarlet: Lightning Dawn as Harold Hill? Traumatizing, but I suppose we could’ve cast him as Javert in Les Mis instead. So y’know. Could be worse.



Sunset overheard that, as did many other who gasped in horror that she would dare try such a thing when everyone knew Sunset Shimmer was trying out for that role herself.



Scarlet: ...Wait a minute. There’s a big game, the queen bee is trying out for the musical, there are social cliques embedded hardcore into the plot- fuck me. It actually is ripping off High School Musical.



“I really don’t think music and theatrics is your style.” she mocked “Why don’t you just stick to star gazing like the people already don’t like you for.”



SC276: Actually, they don’t like her for being a flat satellite love interest character that doesn’t do enough stargazing to make “astronomy” more than a word.

Scarlet: See? I’m pretty sure that’s literally an adaptation of a putdown from that movie!



Starla got mad “It’s because of that that I’m trying out for this role!” she growled “Not that a spoiled bimbo like you would understand.”



Scarlet: ….okay that one isn’t but only because the Disney Channel refused to air that take.



Everyone gasped louder,



SC276: SHOTS FIRED

Scarlet: *Z-Formation Snap*

Dark Angel: The list of crossovers so far…Equestria Girls/Star Trek/Power Rangers/High School Musical/Dragonball Z…I’m sure we could fit The Breakfast Club in here somewhere. Am I missing anything?

Topher: EVERY SINGLE HIGH SCHOOL MOVIE EVER MADE.



and Sunset felt her head steaming like a kettle, but rather than start a fight about it, she merely scoffed “We’ll see who gets the role.” and she stormed off in a huff.



Scarlet: Spoilers it’s the lead love interest we can all go home now great th- right, riff to finish. *sigh*



“Ay’-Ay’Ay’, chica, you’re in for it now!” cried Dyno. “Si, Sunset never lets anyone get in her way.” added Myte.



SC276: Look, we all know the beats here: Starla’s gonna get the thing, Lightning’s also going to get the male lead, the play’s definitely going to include a romance because of course it does, Sunset’s gonna sabotage her so she can be with Lightning, Starla’s going to perform anyway, and they all live happily ever after. This is almost as cut-and-paste as the songs.

Scarlet: I’m almost disappointed there’s no obligatory sassy gay fop antagonist yet.



Starla scoffed “I’m not afraid, especially not of her.” and she got up and left. Lightning was really amazed. First she had no confidence of the basketball game, and now she had just shown it full-blast.



SC276: But not towards the basketball game.

Scarlet: “I am still learning to process earth-human responses to events. The learning curve is steeper than expected.”



Even the others were amazed to have seen this side of her.



SC276: “It’s almost as if her character was poorly written!”

Scarlet: Does she even count as a character? For all her current impact on the plot, we could bring in those rag dolls from a few weeks ago, have Lightning Dawn talk to them, and have the same story but with a far more interesting implication.

SC276: Welcome to the world of Mykan.

Dark Angel: Considering that this is a Mykan fic, Starla is probably just Lightning’s “Flash Sentry” of this fic.



…



Soon, lunch was over, and after the next period, Lightning finally got to attend his first P.E class. Rainbow, the twins, and his friends were all in his class too, so were Sunset and Flash.



SC276: [Celestia] “Isn’t this P.E. period containing only the plot-relevant characters going to hurt the academic schedule of every other student?” [Grandruler] “You and I both know I don’t give a damn about everyone else.”

Topher: [Grandruler] “Now get ‘em nice and sweaty for me… *heavy breathing*.



Class was held outside, everyone was dressed in shorts,



SC276: I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!

Scarlet: I think I’ll list that in the top percentage of reference jokes.



and the coach was Penny Sillion, another resemblance to one of Lightning’s friends,



SC276: OK, this one I don’t remember. One sec… ...She’s a doctor. A doctor. Teaching phys ed. That’s… that’s not the same thing, author!

Scarlet: Well, I presume the world shift has something to do with that one. Or this is another ham-fisted excuse to reference the previous story. Or hey! Since we’re already doing those two characters from earlier, por que no los dos?



and she also served as the part time school paramedic.



SC276: Does Trump so poorly fund this place that it can’t even afford a full-time school nurse?!

Scarlet: Well he had one, but her agent called at the last second and reminded her who the author was.



“All right everyone, today I’m going to introduce you to something new.” she motioned at the punching machine she stood next to. “This device will help measure how strong and fit you really are before we move on.”



SC276: One, plot convenience strikes again. Two, you can’t tell more about a person’s fitness from their punch than maybe their upper body strength.

Scarlet: Dragonball Z lied to us all.

Dark Angel: WARNING! THE EVENTS THAT ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN ARE BLATANTLY TO ADD TO LIGHTNING DAWN’S ‘GARY STU’ METER. READER DISCRETION IS…OBVIOUSLY NON-EXISTENT SINCE YOU’VE MANAGED TO COME THIS FAR IN THE STORY WITHOUT KILLING YOURSELF.



Everyone seemed very eager to try it out, especially the twins and Rainbow, and she got to go first. “Stand back…!” she warned everyone, and she approached the machine and punched the cushion bit with all her might, and she scored a whopping 125 points.



SC276: We’ll just have to take your word for it that it’s “whopping,” given we haven’t seen any other scores for it.

Scarlet: ...Wait a minute. This scene actually is in Dragonball Z.



“Very nice.” Said Penny, and the students applauded her and exchanged comments.



“Of course she breaks a-hundred.”



“No one beats Rainbow Dash.”



SC276: Especially in STYLE.



Rainbow felt proud of herself, but she wished everyone else best of luck like a good sport, but most of the other students got scores just above 90, and most of Lightning’s friends, and even Sunset.



Scarlet: Well, this bit wasn’t… was… sort of. There’s a thing in one of the later episodes and I don’t even like DBZ all that much but it’s far more interesting to think about than what I am actually reading.



Then it was Lightning’s turn and he thought to himself “This ought to be good.” but he caught a glimpse of Krysta perched atop the football goal post just above. “Psst, Lightning! you may want to take it easy. Don’t go too hard.”



Scarlet: “Don’t lose the weighted training clothes! Or go super saiyan 3! And above all, don’t acknowledge GT happened!”



Lightning nodded at her as he stepped to the machine and gave it a simple nudge with his backhand. The students laughed at him for taking such a wimpy shot at it, but when his points added up, even Penny was surprised “Lightning Dawn scores… 774?!”



SC276: Clearly, whatever function Lightning Dawn went through that translated him from his universe to this one was not an equation. I mean seriously, we know Rainbow’s relative strength as a human, and she’s up there. Compare relative to pony Rainbow, who can demolish a barn with her own body alone in the span of less than ten minutes. Lightning is literally over seven times stronger than that. At that level, there is literally nothing stopping him from just leveling the island and pulling the Rod out of the rubble!

Dark Angel: And that was him holding back, too.

Scarlet: Basically put, this is what happens when you literally steal a scene point for point from an anime and then forget that by the point where it took place, the characters were tough enough to blow up the world several times over.

Topher: He is truly the super sand legend!

RJ: Or his pimp hand is way strong.



“What?!” snapped Rainbow, and all the students’ attitudes had changed to shock and amazement, and they began to talking back and forth. “That’s what you call taking it easy?” Krysta sneered softly. “I can’t help it if they’re weak.” Lightning said



SC276: Or, y’know, not soldiers.

Scarlet: For the remainder of this fanfic, Lightning shall be voiced by Vegeta.



“Besides, I’ve got to prove to them that my story is real. So, I’m showing off my skills.”



Some of the students demanded Lightning take a do-over, to which Penny agreed and made sure the machine was working properly. So Lightning nudged it again, and he got the same score; 774 points.



SC276: Y’know what? The height of your Stu-ness is so fucking high, getting the exact same score twice on something as imprecise to control as a punching machine is so unbelieveable it loops back to believable!



Rainbow couldn’t believe her eyes, and neither could Lightning’s friends. Flash, however, took it with great interest.



Lightning went back over to the students who stepped a little ways back from him. His friends gazed at him, and he fluttered his eyebrows at them.



RJ: [Lightning, overly nice] Best have my money, or Lightning Dawn’ll have to smack a bitch.



Penny shook herself out of her shock and told the students to keep on going. The Spanish twins went up, and they each got the same score of 130 points. “No way!” cried Rainbow and more of the others all got between 125 and 130, all of them higher than Rainbow’s score,



SC276: [Mykan] “All canon characters must be ground into dust because my OCs are better!”

RJ: Rainbow Dash: the Yamcha of MLU.

Scarlet: By the way, aren’t you supposed to actually exercise in P.E.?



but it was Lightning’s score that everyone seemed astonished with. “Uh… Flash Sentry, you’re last.” said Penny.



Flash approached the machine and gazed over at Lightning with a sinister grin, and punched the machine so incredibly hard, he broke it,



SC276: That’s what happens when you send a machine flying through, like, four bricks walls. Each with a clean punching machine-shaped hole.

Scarlet: ...if I remember right, the DBZ scene even ends like that.

SC276: Wait, really? I was referencing The Incredibles.

Scarlet: Well, not the holes. The DBZ scene ends with Vegeta getting a turn, being a dick, and just breaking the machine. Because fuck everyone. This is literally borderline plagiarism.

SC276: Story of Mykan’s life, friend.



much to everyone’s shock, even Lightning and Krysta’s “How did he do that?” they wondered.



SC276: [Flash] “MY VOICE GIVES ME SUPER STRENGTH!”

Scarlet: “ORRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAA!”

RJ: “WA-TAK!”



Of course, since Flash had just damaged school property, Penny asked to meet with him after school to discuss about what to do,



Scarlet: “Without our punching machine, we can’t measure arbitrary power levels! I’ll never get to make an over nine-thousand joke!”

but Flash didn’t seem to mind that one little bit. Sunset was extremely shocked at what she had just seen,



RJ: [Sunset] Okay, so the fisting? That’s completely off now.



but it soon became obvious that both Lightning and Flash were the new strongest boys in the class.



SC276: Just the class? Try the whole school. Or island.



Rainbow Dash fainted in shock, but she came to almost instantly when Penny blew her whistle for the next exercise, lap running. “Okay, everyone, give me five laps around the field!”



SC276: Great, another reason for Mykan to promote OC master race. And explicitly in a race, which Rainbow Dash is explicitly great at. This is going to hurt.

Scarlet: You know, if he has seen Adventure 02? I hope the next bit is him unironically ripping off the Ken v. Davis soccer game and casting Lightning as Ken. Y’know, the one that confirmed him as an arc villain.



The students huddled to the starting point. Rainbow felt her confidence returning, since she was also very fast, but Lightning felt this as another chance to further prove his truths.



SC276: That’s like a priest looking for opportunities to constantly perform miracles.

Scarlet: Tonight, on “sentences that make better story premises than the one we’re reading…”



“Ready…?” shouted Penny, and she blew her whistle and everyone took off. Rainbow took an early lead way ahead of everyone, Lightning’s friends kept ahead of everyone else “Now this is more my style.” Rainbow said to herself



Scarlet: God damn it, SC! You used our allotment of “Dresses in Style” jokes too early!



feeling the others wouldn’t catch up to her, when suddenly something zipped past her. It was Lightning, running way faster than she was. “What the--” She was so shocked and confused



SC276: Pretty much like I am right now.



that she tripped and fell, but almost all the other racers stopped and couldn’t believe how fats Lightning was running,



SC276: Fats Lightning is like Fat Albert. They needed to build a little ramp for him to run down so he could build up speed ‘cause he couldn’t hardly run fast. Alternately, it could be a synonym for “greased lightning.” ...I’m going with the former.



the only one still running was Flash who actually caught up with Lightning. “You’re pretty fast.” Flash said. “So are you.” said Lightning with astonishment,



Scarlet: And then they made finger-guns at each other and winked.



but he couldn’t believe Flash was just as fast as he was as to being just as strong too.



SC276: [Lightning] “Let’s see, I’m a supersoldier from another dimension and that’s why I’m greater than everyone else, while this seemingly normal human matches me in strength and speed. ...Nope, not suspicious at all!”

Topher: [Coach] “I thought I would never need to do another steroid test after I left pro sports.”



Penny couldn’t believe what she was seeing, and neither could Krysta.



SC276: We couldn’t believe the author could be this much of a moron. Actually, yeah, we could.

Scarlet: I was about to ask if you had a mouse in your pocket.



Finally, near the end of the period, Penny got them all playing a game of touch football,



SC276: [Penny] “Not like you all got any exercise running because all but two of you stopped after like five seconds.”



and once again, she, Rainbow Dash, and all the other students were astonished. Flash and Lightning could throw the football a long way, and leap much higher than even Rainbow could. “Ah, come on!” she groaned,



SC276: See, even she’s noticing this is bullshit!

Scarlet: Well, she’s always been noticing. It’s just that in Mykan-land if you call BS on the capabilities of his characters, it’s evidence of moral failing on your part.

Dark Angel: You know there’s something wrong when Mykan’s own fic is calling bullshit on his fic. The strange thing is…it’s actually showing intelligence in a Mykan fic?! This was Mykan’s plan all along! To create a paradox that will destroy the universe and all the riffers within!

SC276: And it would’ve worked, if Mykan was half as good at building paradoxes as he is bad at writing interesting stories!

Dark Angel: But don’t you see?! It’s already successful! This fic is already destroying the readers minds!

SC276: Every Marty Stu fic does that.

Dark Angel: True. And anyone who is willing to read a Mykan fic is obviously mindless to begin with…

Scarlet: What you forget is that our masochism over-rides our self-preservation instinct. Paradox resolved without the destruction or absence of brain!



but Penny had seen quite enough and when class was over she asked the two boys if they would consider joining the Canterlot High co-ed team for the big basketball game at the end of the month,



Scarlet: Or possibly discussing their freakish, inhuman strength with professionals. Because Flash kinda smashed a machine with his bare fist. Without it bleeding from the impact.



but much to her surprise, the boys weren’t interested.



SC276: [Lightning] “I’m on a secret mission for my master from another dimension. I don’t have time for side quests.”

Topher: That’s what I said when I started Skyrim. Now I’ve logged over 100 hours into the game, and I’ve barely touched the main story.



Penny wasn’t disappointed, but she told them to at least think about it “If even just one of you joined the team this I know this would finally be the year we win.”



SC276: Don’t. By all means, either of them would be banned for suspected steroid use.

Scarlet: “Suspected”?



Lightning agreed to the think about,



SC276: That’s a yes. Studies, sports team, drama club in like two scenes, convincing his friends he’s from another dimension… he’s not going to have enough time to search for the Rod, and I want him out of this dimension and this story over.

Topher: Trust me, I know from personal experience that in situations like this “I’ll think about it” means “I’m going to say no, I just want you to piss off for a while.”



but Flash gave his final answer. “No, I am not interested.” and he walked off. Lightning kept watching him, having had odd feelings about him ever since he destroyed the punch machine.



Scarlet: Yaoi dating sim powers have returned to normal level! Flash, come back! You’re the only thing keeping me invested! This story just caused me to type those words!



He looked up and saw Krysta a high window-sill, and winked at her telling her to keep an eye on him.



SC276: [Krysta] “Wait, did we switch codes? We never agreed to switch codes.”

Scarlet: “Roger. Grab an eyeball, drop it on top of him. Where is that dog, again?”



“I think we’re finally starting to get somewhere.”



SC276: You could literally punch anyone and kill them. You’re already there. This is the main problem with the story; we just established that Lightning has no room to grow. Character development isn’t a necessary part of any story; hell, shoehorning it in can worsen a narrative. But every plot and subplot in this thing is following the same predictable beats as any high school drama, even if it’s not the specific high school drama that he’s directly ripping off; beats so obvious I don’t even watch that sort of thing and I’m predicting the entire plot already. These are plots resolved by normal humans just being a little better than they were at the start; they don’t save the world, they find some personal fulfillment. Lightning is already seven times better than any human, a tenth of the way through his time in this universe. Mary Sues and Marty Stus spawn when their narrative does not give them a proper challenge, and until Sapphira and Flash engage the dramatic final showdown, there is no proper challenge. Until that point, and maybe not even then depending on what crops up in the meantime, this story is and will be nothing more than one. giant. BORE.

Scarlet: *polite cough* I know the rest of you are bored of it by now, I presume, but is anyone else going to comment on the fact that this story is like a story-loaf of scenes and concepts lifted from other stories and inexpertly pasted together like a five year old’s collage?



ACT SIX



SC276: One. giant. BORE. that doesn’t know how big an act as a narrative unit actually IS. *grabs and sips furiously at an orange juice box*

Scarlet: My sake dish is disturbingly empty. Please share.

SC276: *pours some orange juice into the dish* Here ya go.

Scarlet: My deepest gratitude. *sips* Bring it.



After Lightning had showered and changed, all six of his friends were waiting outside. “Lightning, what was that?” Buddy asked.



“What was what?” Lightning asked with a cocky expression, thinking he had won them over.



Scarlet: “At last, I have breached the density of your earth-skulls! Erm, no offense.”



“I think I know what it means.” said Artie. “You’re some super trained athlete.”



SC276: No amount of training can do that shit.

Scarlet: “I retract my previous statement and must now recalculate my original equations for determining the density of earth-human skulls.”

Dark Angel: Of course that would be an impossibility, considering that the density of their skulls is probably beyond that of solid matter.



Lightning felt something inside him snap, and tried to protest, but the others all thought the same thing, that Lightning was well trained and had some super natural gift.



SC276: Well he has the Uniforce, so… yeah he does.

Scarlet: There’s a small part of me that feels very sad that this “Uniforce” thing isn’t a giant robot.



“You’re fast and strong,

And you can leap high and throw long.” said Rhymey.



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: “Within your soul my couplets shall fester/Observe my expressive single-digit gesture!”



“You should really join the team now!” said Dyno. “The Crystal High school won’t stand a chance.” added Myte.



Lightning could hardly stand all the stupidity they were spouting,



SC276: Have you been paying attention to your own narrative?

Scarlet: Look, you and I are the only ones who’ve made it this far as I type this. What are the odds that any of the people trapped inside are paying attention?



but before he could tell them anything,



SC276: You already told them, they just think you’re full of shit.

Dark Angel: You mean he’s not?



the bell rang and it was time to head to final period. Lightning walked along with Starla, as they had the same class together.



Scarlet: Conveniently, it was a class on literature, with the day’s lecture being on narrative convenience.



“What’s wrong?” Starla asked, but Lightning had given up. After all that he had shown, they still didn’t believe his story! “…It’s nothing.” he simply said, but he really felt he needed some cheering up.



SC276: Don’t look at me, Marty Stu, deal with your own goddamn higher-being problems like a decent god.



Dramatic Arts was the final class of the day,



SC276: We just called it “Theater” at my high school.

Scarlet: Ha ha ha ha! Your high school had a drama class. *sips orange juice angrily*

SC276: ...I’m not good with mixed messages. I can’t tell if you’re mocking me or jealous.

Scarlet: Touhou Link Engage!

SC276: ...Message received.



and some of Lightning’s classmates were Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.



SC276: Because why not.

Scarlet: The subtitle of this entire chapter, really.

Topher: Expand that to the entire fic, and you’re right.

Dark Angel: Expand that to anything Mykan writes, and you’re right.



Artie was in the class too and so was Rhymey, but he had just come in the classroom and bumped right into Fluttershy as she came into the room.



SC276: The two shyest people in the school tried to enter the same door at the same time. I’m not the only one seeing the thing wrong with that, right?

Scarlet: Yeah. The perfect opportunity for a comedy bit where they keep insisting the other take the lead, ruined!



“Rhymey.” she said.



Rhymey felt his heart begin to flutter and his nerves shoot through the roof.



Scarlet: ...Huh. I’ve only ever been able to embed a central nervous system halfway through a ceiling before. I’ll have to take notes on Mykan’s technique.

SC276: I think it could be summarized as “writing out of your ass.”



“Fluttershy…

Um… hi…!”



SC276: One, that’s cheating. And two… actually, using the line here seems too cheap even for this fic. I mean, he barely said anything.

Scarlet: Thank god. I was running out of sassy comeback couplets.



She looked a bit nervous too, but Rhymey graciously let her go through first. “Thank you.” she said softly to him and the end of her hair softly brushed against Rhymey’s face making him sigh ever so heavily that he fell on the floor in a daze. Lightning shook his head in pity.



SC276: No, he’s just thinking the same thing about Rhymey that we are.

Scarlet: Say it with us, kids!



Fluttershy took her seat



SC276: Mykan has clearly never taken a theater class.

Scarlet: *makes incoherent noises of sadness*

SC276: *pats his back* There, there...



and pulled out another letter Rhymey had slipped into her locker, but she still didn’t know it was from him. Rarity, Twilight and Pinkie huddled around her eager to see the poem. “Do you know who he is yet?” cried Pinkie “Do you? Do you? Do you?”



SC276: Observe the native Pinkie do her best annoyed Dory impression. Also, weren’t the six not exactly friends before pony!Twilight came in and shook up everything?

Dark Angel: [Fluttershy] “Someone who is constantly rhyming? No, I don’t know anybody like that. Do you have an idea who sent this letter, Rhymey?”



“Darling, please…” said Rarity “One of the joys of having a secret admirer is the guessing. Ah… it only makes it so much more romantic and mysterious.” She was acting like a real overdramatic drama queen



SC276: Which is all Mykan probably thinks she is. At least it’s a step above just fashion.

Scarlet: Oh, she is. She’s just the kind of overdramatic queen who inspires overdramatic queens like me. *diva pose*



“Oh, Fluttershy, how I envy you so.”



SC276: That will come to a full stop once she learns who the admirer is.

Scarlet: “Fluttershy, in your position I’d be tempted to commit honor-suicide.”

Topher: Ooh! OOH! I’ll get the seppuku knife and the camcorder!



Fluttershy felt so embarrassed, she hid her face behind her hair. “What if he doesn’t like me in person? What if thinks I’m too quiet, or too meek or even…!”



Scarlet: Redundant?

SC276: What if my beard were made of green spinach?

Scarlet: Then it would be tasty.



She shuddered nervously, but Twilight cheered her up. “Ah, Fluttershy, I’m sure he’s a really nice guy, but he’s probably as shy as you are. Just give it time.”



Scarlet: “But who do we know who shuns confrontation and has a weird rhyming thing? I mean, who we wouldn’t find completely and utterly undesirable?”



“Sure, time to waste.” Sunset mocked as she entered the classroom casually like an actress walking down a red carpet. Everyone glared at her with sour expressions. “I hope none of you ladies in this group are getting your hopes up about that role in the play, but don’t worry, perhaps I could use a lackey to help me.”



SC276: Or, y’know, understudy. Those always show up.

Scarlet: Sssssh. Remember, Mykan has less theater experience than pocket lint.

Dark Angel: Actually, I’m surprised he even knows what ‘the red carpet’ is.



Everyone simply turned away and ignored her.



Soon, class was in session, and the acting coach was Professor Abraham “Abra” Kadabra, a professional magician and occasional actor, and another familiar resemblance for Lightning.



SC276: Aaaaand that’s the last of them.

Scarlet: If we trade him to a different fic, does he evolve into Alakazam?



“Now, everyone, as you know in addition to you studies, we’ll be holding auditions for the roles in our upcoming production, which shall be based on your skill as well as your conduct.”



SC276: [Abra] “Which is how the male lead will be taken by the guy who joined us yesterday because he isn’t perfect enough already.”

Scarlet: This is what happens when you let someone start VtM with a hundred and twenty point sheet!

SC276: Some people just don’t understand what the “Legendary” label means.



The Music Masters was a story about a young girl named Michelle, who was desperate to make her dreams of singing and dancing come true, but her sensitivity and lack of confidence really held her back, especially against her rival, Rita, who was a very mean and very selfish to many.



SC276: Oh my god I’m already hating this.

Scarlet: Um, that’s not even remotely the Music Man.

Topher: Oh, god! It’s High School Musical!

Scarlet: ...We established that earl- oh. The play too.



One day, the girl meets a handsome young man, Dylan, and his traveling friend and piano man Cyrus,



SC276: ~Sing us a song, you’re the piano man / Sing us a song tonight…~

Scarlet: Although I’d laugh if it turns out to be a forward-moving version of Merrily We Roll Along. *holds up card reading “Sondheim Joke”*



who both happen to be skilled singers and dancers both looking to put their skills to good use. Dylan teaches Michelle how to build her confidence and how to perfect her singing and dancing, and in return she helps him to overcome his problems,



Scarlet: But this is only by day! By night, when the evil Accordion Empire strikes, Michelle reveals her true form as the Magical Girl, Lyrical Symphonia!



and they begin to fall in love, but Rita seeks to humiliate Michelle and steal Dylan for herself, and sends her timid and bumbling assistant girl, Evelyn, to charm Cyrus in hopes to get inside information.



SC276: OK, um. This is almost too obvious. Starla as Michelle, Lightning as Dylan, Rhymey as Cyrus, Sunset as Rita, and Fluttershy as Evelyn. It’s like Mykan couldn’t come up with a second plot. And given the premise of the fic, he couldn’t come up with a first plot either.

Scarlet: Well, I came up with one about a riff ago. And admit it, you’d all read that one first.

SC276: Only if the leader of the Accordion Empire is voiced by Weird Al.

Scarlet: Done!

Dark Angel: Oh right. I forgot the teacher was talking about the plot to the musical and not just being the narrative.



A real comedy and dramatic musical, requiring many main roles and even supporting roles, particularly dances like ballet, tap, step, jive and stuff, and that’s what Abra’s class was for, to teach people how to act, sing, dance,



SC276: Those last two are covered by choir and dance classes. Of the high school plays I both participated - either as an actor or as a technical hand - and attended, I think only one was a musical, and it was one of the big productions.

Scarlet: Ah yes, the great dance styles of theater- “Step”, “Jive”, and… “stuff.”

Topher: What, you’ve never heard of stuff dancing? It’s really cool! Watch me! *One expensive and well-choreographed dance sequence later* Now, to the untrained eye, it may have looked like I dragged my butt on the floor in a little circle (with the only musical accompaniment provided by my kazoo) for one hour straight, but the subtle intricacies of my movements is what makes the performance true stuff dancing.



and all the other things with them, like building confidence… exactly what a girl like Fluttershy needed.



SC276: About half of my theater class - theater itself, not the technical hand - was improv games. The other half was learning a play and preparing for it; assembling props and costumes, learning blocking and lines, editing the script into something that could be performed by highschoolers and include as many classmates as possible, preparing the set, etc. I suppose dancing could fall under blocking, but still, expecting all drama students to sing and dance, especially in high school, seems a bit much.

Scarlet: Well, if you’re talking for lead roles, it’s sometimes required. But on the other hand, apparently the first staged performances of West Side Story had a cast described by the director as having dancers who couldn’t sing, singers who couldn’t dance, and people who could do both but couldn’t act. So, there you go.



So for the first half of class, they did their studies,



SC276: All this does, though, is prove that Mykan did no research on high school plays whatsoever.

Scarlet: His level of fidelity to actual plays bothers me less than the fact that we can pretty much see everything that’s coming from orbit, and also the fact that this plot has no reason to be in the story at all other than “High School Musical had one.”



and then after which Abra wanted to see how good everyone was from what they had learned in the past weeks. He allowed Lightning to sit out as he was knew



SC276: You’re killing me, author.

Scarlet: He killed me a long time ago, but as we’ve established, I’m a witch.

Dark Angel: I wish he would kill me. But he’s not letting me die.



and probably didn’t know how to dance well, but Lightning was ready to surprise them all again and asked to go ahead with it anyway. “Well, if you choose so…” said Abra.



SC276: And of course the guy who is super-strong, super-fast, and super-smart is also a super-dancer and super-actor. Who wants to bet that was one of Silver Age Superman’s powers?

Scarlet: I’ll go one further and say Google will probably be able to find the specific issue where he used it.



As the students lined up, Abra played the same type of music-- a disco jive--



SC276: DISCO LIVES. Also, how to do you get disco music out of a piano?

Scarlet: Apparently in the ‘60s you could get it out of a duck, so.



which each and every student was to dance to and Abra would judge their performances. Lightning’s friends did very well, and even Twilight and some of her friends did nice too, only Fluttershy felt so incredibly nervous, that she just couldn’t do it and didn’t bother to try.



Scarlet: It’s okay, Fluttershy. The riff is almost ov- wait, sorry, that was meant for me. You should probably just give up.



“Don’t worry, Fluttershy. We all get stage fright.” Sunset teased as she stood up to take her turn, and she was phenomenal. Even Lightning and Starla hated to admit but she was good.



Scarlet: “She can even use jazz hands!”



“How am I supposed to beat that?”



SC276: I assume that’s Starla talking, because Lightning will wipe the floor with her.



“You’re not.” Sunset peeped at her.



SC276: Eh, 4 / 10 on the burn scale.

Scarlet: Would’ve been a 4.5, but “peeped” made me imagine adorable baby bird Sunset and then I couldn’t take anything seriously.



“Just ignore her.” said Lightning “Remember, just have confidence and do your best.”



Scarlet: “I am told this is a traditional earth-human form of encouragement. Given most others related to theater seem needlessly violent, I have not chosen to lead with them. But also, remember to shatter your femur violently and to use your fists to bludgeon the audience to death.”



Starla nodded in agreement and took her turn. “You may begin, Ms. Shine.” said Abra. Starla nodded and gazed at Lightning who gave her a big thumb up and she danced, back-flipped, twirled, and did so many amazing steps.



SC276: Most of them probably derived from all the martial arts she learned just from reading books.

Scarlet: “Chapter One: How to pose dramatically while making an entrance.”



“Marvelous! Stupendous.” cried Abra. The other students applauded, and Sunset couldn’t believe it herself, but folded her arms scoffed.



Scarlet: Sunset’s arms have a mind of their own! And they’re not impressed!



Finally, Lightning had a go to show off his skills, and he really busted some serious moves, having spent years learning how to dance, and one of his favorite exercises.



SC276: Yes, in the big manly army of multidimensional alicorns which apparently have some nazi in them if I’m reading TV Tropes right, time was spent learning how to dance.

Scarlet: I presume he performed the entire thing to “Der Fuehrer's Face”, then.



He even flipped around and danced on his hands. Abra hadn’t seen anything so bold and daring before. Neither did any of the students.



Scarlet: Why, was he dressed in a kilt in the traditional manner?

SC276: And that just reminds me of another song on the same album that I first heard “Der Fuehrer's Face” on.



“Well, I… uh… good heavens!” Abra stuttered and stammered. The bell rang for home time, and as the students left Abra reminded those who had signed up for the auditions, namely Starla and Sunset,



SC276: [Abra] “Those of you without a name, better luck next year!” ...I just realized that the play’s going to be performed in less than a month, so Lightning can participate. For high school, just… no. Especially not a musical. I don’t remember the exact time each play took to produce at my high school, but as I recall… hmm, two, maybe three, at most per year, one of which was played at night for the public. Maybe; I don’t recall disassembling a set more than once a year. You’re not doing a full musical in four weeks.

Scarlet: I couldn’t do a community theatre production of A Christmas Carol in four weeks. We started rehearsing for that shit in late September!



that the results of the ballot would be posted on the bulletin board in the main hall of the school.



SC276: [Abra] “I want to whole school to know that Sunset will be gunning for Starla. I’m not sure what the ultimate result would be, but it’s either protecting her or making her even more alone.”

Scarlet: I’m going to go with option C: Narrative convenience.



Lightning felt a lot better after having danced, and even though his friends still didn’t believe his story, they all thought he was phenomenal on the dance floor and thought maybe he should have auditioned,



SC276: Yeah, I don’t believe that he’s not being in this play for a second.

Scarlet: I’m actually kind of curious where step dancing features in the script of The Music Masters. Apparently the end of the first act will involve Riverdance?



but he didn’t seem all that interested. “You were awesome out there, Starla.” he said



She smiled at him and hope fluttered in her eyes



SC276: Might want to get someone to look at that. All the hope should’ve been abandoned before entering.

Scarlet: The Warning Bell told you all! Why did you not heed it?



“You think?”



“Girl, I think you’ve got it made.” said Artie “I don’t think I’ll make it, but I’m sure you did.”



SC276: Dude, if by some horrible twist of fate Lightning isn’t the male lead, it’s going to be you. Little point denying it.



Starla felt glad, but then she noticed Rhymey wasn’t with them.



Scarlet: And then she breathed a sigh of relief.

Dark Angel: Thank the lord that Rhymey’s not here. That means we won’t live in rhyming fear.



They saw him peering around the corner at Fluttershy, who was in tears because she didn’t even try to dance or perform during her turn.



Scarlet: “We can’t let those two get too close! Rhymey might breed!”



Her friends comforted her and tried to perk her up, but it was no use. “It’s not like you even auditioned for the play anyway.” said Pinkie.



“All the more reason I didn’t. I wouldn’t stand a chance.” wept Fluttershy.



SC276: Ugh… I don’t like seeing Fluttershy cry even in this continuity, but this whole “wouldn’t stand a chance” thing is already starting to grow old.

Scarlet: If it makes you feel better, I still have a bunch of unused “made Fluttershy cry” jokes from the last riff.



Rhymey couldn’t stand to see her like this and quickly wrote a small poem on a piece of paper, and slid it along the floor so it hit her foot.



SC276: And none of her friends saw him do it.



She gazed down at it, but her eyes were so teary she asked Twilight to read it. It read…



“Even though you didn’t try

Don’t be discouraged, Fluttershy

You are still as wonderful as can be

The most wonderful girl I ever would see.”



SC276: ...Nah, not this time. When it’s written, I don’t have much a problem. Just saying it.

Scarlet: “And don’t take this the wrong way, but I/want to touch myself when I see you cry.”



Fluttershy sniffled and rubbed the tears from her eyes and read the note herself. “You see, even your admirer thinks you’re still wonderful.” said Twilight.



Scarlet: Just imagine that last couplet is canon, and she still says that line. Isn’t it weird that it actually hurts less if it’s deliberately creepy?



“Hold on…” said Rarity “Doesn’t it strike you as odd that he knew you didn’t try?” Fluttershy realized this, and the girls concluded that whoever was Flutterhshy’s admirer was obviously someone in the same D.A class as she was, not to mention he was obviously nearby to slide the letter to her,



SC276: Who left this logic here?! This is a Mykan fic; it’s a no-logic zone by federal law.



but when they looked up the hall they could see no one there.



Rhymey had dashed downstairs and out of the school fast, and was now sitting near the statue moment in the schoolyard trying to catch his breath.



SC276: And then someone shoved him into the portal to Equestria- wait.

Scarlet: If he comes within three feet of Zecora I’m setting the fic on fire.

SC276: I don’t think Zecora was in the original story, or even in this series’ canon in general. Thank god for that.

Dark Angel: Imagine an entire scene with Rhymey and Zecora having a conversation with each other. *shudders*



“Rhymey!” Lightning called to him as he and the others ran to him. Buddy and the twins joined them. “He chickened out again, didn’t he?” said Buddy.



SC276: Fluttershy was dealing with some personal issues, now would’ve been a terrible time to declare his love.

Scarlet: Which is, of course, why he slipped her an admirer note at that exact moment.



Rhymey felt ashamed of himself, almost to tears.



“I can’t ever confess to Fluttershy

A broken mess will always be I.

Just one moment I wish to make real

And tell her how I really feel."



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey! Gheeze, felt like it’s been awhile since I said it.

Scarlet: Don’t look at me, I’m not topping the last one.



The others hated seeing him like this.



SC276: See, it’s grinding on their nerves too.

Scarlet: “It’s like he’s trying to emote and it all keeps coming out as shit poetry! If he stays depressed, we may lose him to the emo side! Forever!”

Dark Angel: Emo rhyming…as if his rhymes don’t depress us enough.



“Mírate a ti mismo, Rhymey. You’ve got to man up.” said Dyno.



SC276: Google says that means “Look at yourself” in Spanish. Author, can’t you be consistent in how Spanish these guys are? It is pretty much their only character trait.



“You can’t spend your whole life running from a pretty girl you like.” added Myte.



Scarlet: Well, I can, but in my case she’s trying to kill me. And this is not a transparent excuse to ditch the riff before the end and r- fine, I’ll finish.



Rhymey still didn’t feel any better. “Cheer up, Rhymey. It’ll be all right.” said Buddy.



SC276: Five bucks says that Rhymey and Fluttershy hook up by the end of the fic.

Scarlet: “Never bet against the house” is as sound a policy as ever, I see.



Rhymey smiled softly, but he still felt it was hopeless, and Lightning could sense how he felt, and wished he could do something for both him and Fluttershy.



SC276: [Lightning] “I’m super-strong, super-fast, super-athletic, super-smart, and a super-dancer. Of course I am also super-empathic even though I am initially rude to all authority figures!”

Scarlet: “HA AT LAST I COMPREHEND EARTH-HUMAN EMOTIONAL WAVELENGTHS”



Suddenly, he could see Krysta waving her wing at him from a tree by the corner. While the others were distracted,



SC276: Without even saying goodbye? Gheeze, the rudeness continues...



he ran over to talk with her, and when the others noticed he was missing, they looked around and saw him at the corner. “He’s talking to that exact same bird again.” said Starla.



SC276: How do you remember what a specific robin looks like? Also, it just now occurred to me he could prove his story just by having Krysta talk to them. His Stu powers have already been explained away as being Charles Atlas Superpowers, but what are they going to say to deny a talking bird, that it’s a robot?

Scarlet: “Whoa, dude, that’s impressive! I didn’t know you could teach robins to speak like parrots!”

SC276: ...And actually, looking up the TV Tropes page for EqG, that’s exactly how Twilight manages to convince her friends she’s from a parallel universe, by Spike talking. Author, you’re already ripping off the plot of this film, might as well go whole-hog!



“You think he’s all right up here?” Artie asked while pointing to his head.



SC276: We ask that about his author every five minutes or so.



Twilight’s dog, Spike, woke up from his nap under the tree he was tied to all day, and he could see Lightning talking to Krysta just ahead of him. He growled in anger and struggled to break free from his collar.



Scarlet: “If I can just eat the goddamn bird I’ll have made at least one creature suffer for this story’s existence!”



“Did you follow Flash around?”



“Yes, I kept watching him through the windows,



SC276: [Krysta] “And he is most definitely a nine.”

Scarlet: Hun, don’t you think that’s being a little generous?

SC276: [Krysta] “OK, eight point five.”

Scarlet: I can see that.



but he hasn’t shown any other signs of strange activity.” Krysta said “Maybe we’re just misjudging him.”



Lightning wasn’t convinced



SC276: [Lightning] “I was running like a Marty Stu and he caught up! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”

Scarlet: Yet another premise more interesting than this story’s!



and he saw Flash leave the school and he met up with a tall lady at a pale blue car in the parking lot near the buses. Lightning and Krysta both recognized the color, and hadn’t seen any other cars colored quite like it,



SC276: With Sapphira’s purported ego, I can’t believe it makes sense for her to get her car in a very specific color.



and then there was the lady herself and her resemblance was very uncanny. “Krysta is that…?”



Scarlet: “I know what you’re thinking, and trust me, she’s barely a seven.”



Krysta shuddered with a fearful feeling and the feathers on her back ruffled.



Scarlet: “A fearful feeling” here apparently meaning… fear. Thrill at Mykan’s mighty command of the English language!



The lady and Flash gazed over at them. Lightning and Krysta quickly looked away, but the lady already had her suspicions. “Do you think she saw us?” chirped Krysta.



“I don’t think so.”



SC276: You didn’t move, you just looked away. They definitely saw you.



Suddenly, they heard Spike barking and saw him snap his leash, and he came after them. “Oh, not again!” groaned Lightning. Krysta quickly perched herself back up in the tree and Lightning glared at the charging dog.



Scarlet: “The earth-beast has returned! This time I shall slay it and preserve the life of my friend! FOR UNICORNICOPIAAAAAA!”

SC276: “EULALIAAAAAAAAA!!”



Spike ran, he leapt, and Lightning sidestepped out of the way causing Spike to miss.



SC276: Quit showing off, you can literally get back inside the school in five seconds tops, and that’s being generous.

Scarlet: He stepped at the last possible second, allowing him to graze Spike and maximise his score.



The dog got up again and charged, but Lightning dodged again causing Spike to crash into the fence.



SC276: *looks up pictures of Canterlot High* ...OK, there’s a few fences, including some enclosing an area with a tree, but let’s face it, with Mykan, getting the geography right is probably a complete accident.

Scarlet: You were paying attention to time and space in this fanfic?

SC276: I’m definitely going to pay attention to time when the main plot is a thirty-day timed mission.



Twilight had just stepped out of the school with her friends and they could see all the commotion. “…Spike!” She hastily ran over just as Lightning dodged him again. Spike charged one last time, and Lightning dodged it causing Spike to land, splash, into a mud puddle,



SC276: Pretty sure that wasn’t there a moment ago.

Scarlet: Which means- yes! Praise be! The God of Shenanigans has returned to us!

Dark Angel: Actually, that ‘mud’ was left there by Lightning. Oh, and Lightning needs a change of pants.



splattering on both Lightning and Twilight, and all over a car in the parking lot--



SC276: And the aforementioned area is on the opposite side of the school from what I’m pretty sure is the parking lot…

Topher: Let me take a wild fucking guess whose car that is.



Principal Celestia’s car, and she happened to be there getting some things from it at the time. She took one look at her mud splattered car…



Topher: Show of hands, who was surprised? Alright, everyone who raised their hand, OUTTA THE GENE POOL!



The students gasped in horror as Celestia looked as if she was going to explode.



SC276: Much like our heads from the sheer stupidity of this fic.

Scarlet: You’re on your own there. My head is just going slowly numb.



She took just one look at Spike, Lightning, and Twilight. “Both of you, my office, NOW!” she bellowed



Scarlet: “Yes, Twilight, you and the dog! Lightning, I’m hoping if I ignore you, you’ll just stop existing!”



Twilight felt as if she had just come face-to-face with a demon, but Lightning wouldn’t move. “NOW!!” bellowed Celestia,



SC276: [Celestia] “I have had enough with your Marty Stu shit, young man!”



and not wanting to cause any more trouble, Lightning complied. Lightning’s friends and Twilight’s felt really worried, but Flash and his mother saw everything that happened. Flash gazed at his mother “Should we…?”



Scarlet: “...just let events take their natural course and ensure there are consequences for Lightning Dawn’s actions, and- ahahaha, woo! Man, I almost had myself going for a second there.”



His mother nodded and her eyes glowed sinisterly.



SC276: And now it’s revealed that Sapphira is the reason that Celestia’s nerves have been so short lately, thanks to powers that will never be explained properly, which will then be leveraged to get Sapphira enlisted as the school’s principal. ...That last one doesn’t have any basis in any previous narrative I’ve read, I just made it up because it’s the sort of bullshit that would happen in a Mykan fic.



…



While waiting in the office for Celestia, Lightning and Twilight, still splattered with a bit of mud kept their faces turned away from one another.



Topher: Oh, just ship already!



Spike continued to growl at Lightning and he was really getting annoyed with it.



SC276: We’re annoyed with this fic. Again, quid pro quo.



Finally, Twilight did her best to keep him calm, and she broke the silence. “I hope you’re happy.”



SC276: ~I hope you’re happy now / I hope you’re happy how you / Hurt your cause forever / I hope you think you’re clever~



Lightning turned to face her. “What, this is my fault now?”



SC276: ~I hope you’re happy / I hope you’re happy too / I hope you’re proud of how you would / Grovel in submission / To feed your own ambition~



“If you had left Spike alone, this wouldn’t have happened.”



“Well maybe your mutt should’ve left my robin and me alone.”



SC276: ~So though I can’t imagine hoooooooww… / I hope you're happy right nooooooow…~

Scarlet: I’d continue the trend of threatening violence when people reference things I love in connection to fics like this- but honestly, every little bit helps. Also, you’re a fantastic soprano!

SC276: *bows*



“Both of you keep quiet.” snapped VP



Topher: Virulent Plague? Vapid Parsnip? Verified Pedophile?



Luna. “You’re both in enough trouble as it is.”



Celestia opened the door to her private office



SC276: What other office would she have in a school?

Scarlet: Public Office. *rimshot*



and was about to order the teens to march in, when the main office door opened. It was Flash and his mother.



SC276: Huh. I honestly didn’t think the takeover would be this soon.



“Principal Celestia, Vice Principal Luna...!” said Flash “I have something to tell you.” and quickly stated how he saw Spike break his leash and started bullying Lightning and Krysta and what happened with the mud was just an accident.



SC276: Um… duh?

Scarlet: Wait, the villains bailed his ass out? I mean I knew it was going to happen, but I figured there’d at least be like… shenanigans. EVIL shenanigans!



“My son speaks the truth.” said his mother “I saw it all happen as well.” She gazed at the two teens, preferably Lightning and he gazed back at her.



Scarlet: “I am still somewhat unfamiliar with earth-human expressions. ‘I own your ass, bitch’ is figurative, I trust?”

Topher: Okay, I’ve been noticing a trend here. Mykan, here are a few words that mean “look at” other than gaze. Stare, Glare, Glance, Observe, regard, leer, inspect, study, and ogle. Now USE THEM!



Luna talked her sister into letting it slide. Celestia agreed, but only on the condition that no pets were permitted within a mile of the school grounds ever again, no matter what the circumstances.



SC276: [Celestia] “The robin will continue to stick around because it’s too expensive to shoot every robin near the school on sight.”

Dark Angel: What about pet owners who live within a mile of the school?

SC276: [Celestia] “Sucks to be them then, I’m a bitch in this story, remember?”

Dark Angel: Fair enough…well technically, ‘unfair’ enough.



“Do I make myself clear?”



Dark Angel: I’d say you’re more translucent than clear.



she said calmly yet deeply. “Yes ma’am.” complied Twilight



Lightning glared angrily at Celestia, but complied. “Yes… ma’am.”



SC276: Ya think being in the army, he would learn to take shit from a superior every so often.

Scarlet: He studied under Grand Ruler. Which probably meant he spent that time giving his superiors shit.

Topher: Yay! you used one of the words I showed you!



Celestia nodded and then disappeared into her office. Twilight gazed up at Flash and their eyes met. “Thank you.”



Topher: ...and you were doing so well with the new words, too.



He gazed down at her and nodded “No sweat.” and he left the office, but Twilight kept gazing at him with rosy cheeks,



Scarlet: So just so we’re clear- this isn’t the Twilight from the film, but the film is canon to this story, and yet- you know what, Mykan is giving no fucks, so why should I?

Topher: I think i can figure this out, but I’ll need to do one of those photos-on-a-corkboard-connected-with-yarn type investigations. You know, the kind only conducted by the obsessive bordering on mental illness. Also, GOD FUKING DAMMIT! STOP SAYING GAZE!



while Flash’s mother gazed at Luna and nodded and then turned to gaze back at Lightning one last time, gazing at him strangely.



SC276: Everyone’s just… gazing everywhere. This is awkwardness personified. Or... sceneified or something.

Topher: *Suddenly falls silent, eyes cross, and starts foaming at the mouth* (unintelligible) gaze (unintelligible)

Dark Angel: It’s one thing to use one word to portray looking. But does Mykan have to use that one word in such rapid succession?



“Thank you for your help.” Lightning said with a little stiffness in his voice.



The lady nodded at him “Your welcome, young man.” she said back at him sinisterly,



SC276: [Lightning] “What about my welcome?”



and then she left the office too.



SC276: [Lightning] “Hey, I asked you a question, lady!”



“Vice Principal Luna, who was that?” Lightning asked.



“That’s Flash’s mother, Principal Sapphira Sentry, of our rivaling school, Crystal High.”



Scarlet: “Whose son attends our school because-”



Lightning’s eyes snapped open. “Did you say…Sapphira?”



SC276: Let’s have a show of hands: how many of you are surprised by this? …………That’s what I thought!



Luna blinked once in concern for how he just asked. “Yes, and although I hate to admit it, but there is something about that woman that gives me the creeps.”



SC276: It’s because she’s a freakin’ supervillain. Now the story’s implying Luna’s a bitch too.

Scarlet: You can find many images on furaffinity, if you choose. But only those with the highest “is that seriously a thing” thresholds can search.



Lightning turned to gaze out the window where he saw Flash and Sapphira get into their car. “Not as much as it gives me.” he said, but it said it to himself.



Scarlet: “Lightning, you do realize the point of an internal monologue is to never say it out loud, correct?” “Zounds! These alien earth-human ways confound me yet again!”

Topher: *Pulls out pistol* SAY GAZE AGAIN! SAY GAZE AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHER FUCKER SAY GAZE ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!



As Sapphira and Flash drove up the road, “There can be no doubt.” she said “Starfleet is more resourceful than I remembered.”



SC276: Things change a lot when you’ve been away from society for thirteen years.

Scarlet: “They sent all of one operative after me and gave him a cover story that renders him without any social mobility to speak of or any real capacity to easily investigate my actions. How resourceful!”



“So, we get rid of him?” asked Flash.



“No, not yet.” said Sapphira.



“But mother, he presents a threat to us and our future as rulers of worlds.”



Scarlet: “Seriously, so far all either of us have done is showboat in front of him and get him out of trouble to no apparent benefit of our own. Can we just do something even slightly evil? Or useful?”



“Be silent!” snapped his mother.



SC276: [Sapphira] “There will be no logic in my household.”

Dark Angel: [Flash] “But we’re not even at the house yet.”



“We will deal with him when the time is right, and not before. I need him alive. He may be vital in tracking down that which we seek.”



SC276: So basically, she’s hoping to speed up the search for the Rainbow Rod by letting him continue to search… as opposed to killing him right away and taking back her warp bauble, which would literally give her all the time the world to look with no rush. For a Mykan villain, perfectly par.

Scarlet: ...Hey look. There’s blank page down there. There’s blank page down there! We made it! I’m alive! You’re alive! The world’s alive! Fuck it, I’m feeling indulgent, ENGAGE ONE MORE TOUHOU LINK!

Dark Angel: Don’t indulge too much. I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be a part three after this.

SC276: Glad to see someone besides me make it down here!

Scarlet: And it was exhausting, too! Like, wow! I think I riffed most of the last part of The Catch in a beautiful stupor, but this! This was actual effort! There is just nothing in here! Nothing!

Topher: It’s like the story just takes whatever creativity and humor you have,and sucks it out of you like Tirek at a ponyville carnival! All while GAZING at shit!

Dark Angel: Damnit! No more using that word!

SC276: There’s no tension either, and not just because it’s an interquel. Pretty much the only thing we don’t know for certain is where the Rainbow Rod is, and we’ve already got a decent guess - even if in-universe, something like that would make no sense as a basketball trophy. The plot is predictable, the protagonist is so heavily overqualified he shouldn’t have gotten the job in the first place, and the antagonist continues to be Mykan-brand stupid and thus poses a threat only to the canons which are basically tissue paper in comparison in all of these fics. On top of all the other issues I already ranted about such as the lack of research into high school plays. And you know what? It can only get worse. The reason this story is running at all is because at some point, Lightning interacted with pony!Twilight while she was in Canterlot High during the events of EqG. Which means at some point during these remaining 27 days, Sunset is going to go to Equestria and steal Twilight’s crown - which I predict will be reasoned to get as powerful as Lightning and Flash are - and turn into a demon-thing and create an army of brainwashed teenagers to try and take over Equestria. Which means the canon will change heavily as Lightning and his friends stop her before Twilight and her friends do - which I seriously would not be surprised if that happened - or the battle with Sapphira will draw him away elsewhere during that time period. And that’s on top of the Fall Formal that precedes it. Which… actually dates the fic as at least partway through the fall semester, which means, yes, Spike the dog should be used to being home alone by now, human!Twilight! Who shouldn’t even be here, human!Twilight is implied in the movie to have never attended Canterlot High much like her pony self had to be pushed to move to Ponyville! As well as any other stupid errors that arise because we know the date, I’m sure there’s a few!

Scarlet: But really, all of that is just the little things Mykan gets wrong because he’s not interested in following canon’s interpretation of anything. And to a certain extent, I’m fine with that- I can’t not be, the fics I’ve contributed most to are explicitly alternate universes. But what irks me about this story is that it’s pretending to be canon, and that it does nothing worthwhile with that pretense. All of the Equestrian elements could be dropped and this would be a stand-alone story and probably better for it… except because Mykan’s got a habit of just explaining exactly how everyone feels and barely injecting conflict and has stupidly slow pacing, it would still be one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. This fic is so dull that it’s really only Mykan’s personality that makes it a riff-target. I had to work to wring any humor out of this. Like, really work.

Dark Angel: Basically, Mykan is just spitting this story out his ass.

SC276: Hmm, true… He’s certainly not the worst writer in terms of typesmanship, I can vouch for that personally. Mykan’s infamous status - in fact, the infamous status attained by the likes of Chris-chan and other ego train creators like him - is due to how he never changes, or at least not in a net positive direction, and how his constant proliferation of himself - primarily on YouTube - makes it even more obvious he’s not changing. That, and he keeps repeating himself; I think he has at least half a dozen Teen Titans fics about basically the same subject. Without his name, this is pretty much just a terrible Marty Stu self-insert fic, nothing more; the only notable divergence from the template is that it wholescale rips scenes from anime and uses them inappropriately. But the fact is, I recently looked over the first chapter of My Little Unicorn again while trying to read its Rage Review, and it is just as boring as this fic, and the rips from copyrighted material are just as blatant. That was posted in 2012; “act” 6 here was posted to DeviantART in 2014. Nothing has changed. He hasn’t learned. He refuses to learn. And that is what’s infuriating about him. He is the future that refuses to change. I think I’ve accepted he’s a lost cause - he’s going to continue to be a stain that refuses to come out of the carpet, no matter how hard you or I or anyone will scrub. But in my opinion, a stain that can’t be removed can still be hidden under a dresser. What he’s been doing recently on DA - just a little longer than a month ago as I’m writing this - is a Yu-Gi-Oh thing involving Totally Spies and apparently the final battle has him as the hero; perfectly par. I’m willing to keep moving forward, even if he insists on running in circles tighter than Topher’s dance. And if that moving forward involves burying his fic in snarky reader commentary so I can move past it.. well, that’s fine by me.

Topher: Oh, and one last thing: The current tally is (including jokes that didn’t make the cut)… 22 dick jokes made about the rainbow rod over the course of two parts!



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Well, it’s the 22nd again, so that means it’s time for yet another part of the most excruciating riff of the revival, Starfleet Humans. SC, could you recap the last part?

SC276: Gladly. Let’s see how much I remember in a month. Last time on Starfleet I Can’t Even: School starts, Grandruler’s still in charge of everything, old-new faces because Equestria Girls ripoff, Rhymey still exists, everybody was kung-fu learning, we all started rooting for Sunset Shimmer, scenes ripped from anime, Flash Sentry is evil, the canons continue to be composed of outclassed cardboard, all the high school plots at once, and Sapphira continues to be a Mykan villain. Oh and I think we started a deal with the Golden Witch to help us get through this, though that might’ve been another fic. I’d have to ask Scarlet.

RingmasterJ5: I… think that was Baron Silver? I’m honestly not sure myself anymore. But without further ado, let’s get to part three of the dull trainwreck we call “Starfleet Humans”.

SC276: I’m mostly excited to see if I did successfully predict every goddamn beat of this fic. If I’m right, I’ll be proud of myself. If I’m wrong, Mykan managed to do something surprising for once. Either way, I win.

JofY: I leave for like a year, and I come back to see the same head inducing pain as usual? Oh sanity, my old dead, dead friend.





ACT SEVEN



Trekker: I’ve read the riff on Mykan’s MBU, and let me tell you it’s...a complicated feeling do a riff on his work for the first time.

Scarlet: Requiem of the Golden Witch. Wait, sorry, no.

Topher: I’ll just leave THIS here fore the folks at home.

SC276: ...I don’t like the looks of that bottom-right one.



Lightning found himself in an ever expanding stretch of blackness and chained up, and Krysta was locked in a small cage right beside him “What’s going on? Where are we?” snapped Lightning.



SC276: What’s going on? Where am I? Who are you people?!

Scarlet: [Lightning] “I assume this is a traditional human method of scene transition?”

JofY: Well… How much hentai do you read?



“How should I know?” cried Krysta.



RJ: [Krysta] “It’s WAY too early for Festival of Sins.”



Then they heard the sound of a sinister snicker, and there she was. “We meet again, Lightning Dawn.”



“…Sapphira!”



SC276: I’m willing to bet that if I looked back, they never heard Sapphira snicker before.

Scarlet: You know a character is terrible when I prefer the Christopher Paolini version.



“That’s Empress Sapphira to you.” she hissed



SC276: [Sapphira] “Perhaps you’d like to see how sssssssnakelike I can be!”



“And you remember my son…”



Flash stepped out from the shadows wearing armor, a cape and holding a diamond-studded sword.



SC276: Huh. Minecraft cosplay.

Scarlet: Eh, that’s probably only a +1 at best. And he had to take Exotic Weapons as a feat to use it. Scrub.



Lightning tried to break free from his chains but they were just too strong.



SC276: They were designed to hold your weight… times three thousand and ONE!!

Scarlet: Jeez, we’re going super-Disney in here tonight.

Trekker: Don’t even try, you assness of a character! That chain is made out of pure NINTENDIUM!

Dark Angel: Of course Seganium is stronger than Nintendium, but won’t last nearly as long though.

JofY: “Darn! It’s like these are made out of some type of metal!”



“You waste your time.” said Flash “Those chains are reinforced with Crystallite alloys and they don’t get much stronger.”



Scarlet: Do you even know what an alloy is?

Ferret: Crystals are an alloy in the same way that a pearl is a gem. In other words, IT FUCKING ISN’T.

Scarlet: At least pearls are used as goddamn precious stones!



Krysta rattled the bars of her cage “What have you done with our friends?”



SC276: [Sapphira] “Who knows what happens to characters when you put their fics in the Recycle Bin and empty it? Oh wait, they do.”

Scarlet: [Krysta] “Well, all of our friends but Rhymey. I assume you killed him for the good of the planet?”

Dark Angel: Please let that be true.

Trekker: [Sapphira] “Simple: I put them in good fanfics and let the goodness consume them under the fic’s pressure.”



Sapphira laughed wickedly as behind her and Flash the others were seen chained in the darkness and struggling to break free.



SC276: Just… others? That’s the most you could muster? Could just be the core five or so, or it could include the extended cast.

Scarlet: I just presume the entire school is here. Did we skip a few chapters or something?

Dark Angel: Can we assume that Rhymey is not there and that Sapphira killed him…please?



Lightning was at a loss for words. “Take a good long look…” hissed Flash, and he turned and poised his sword at them, a magically blasted them all into dust.



SC276: *pulls a party popper* This is indeed a joyous day.

Scarlet: EX…. CALIBUUUUUURRRRR!

Dark Angel: Thank the lord that Rhymey’s dead! No more rhymes to fill my head!...

Ferret: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUZEtVbJT5c

Topher: I’ll bet two hundred dollars that they’re not really dead. No way Mykan wouldn’t do everything he could to force drama if the entire cast was axed. Any takers?



“No!” shouted Lightning. “You monsters…!”



SC276: Says the superhuman.

Scarlet: [Lightning] “Earth-human law requires that you monologue for at least another minute! I have thoroughly studied your filmography and confirmed it to be so!”

Dark Angel: [Sapphira] “That Earth-human filmography was created with an archaic Earth-human belief system. Although it’s true that Earth-human law requires me to monologue for another minute, that doesn’t mean I have to wait until I am done monologuing before I kill.”

SC276: So, basically she multitasked.



Sapphira approached Lightning and grabbed him by the neck “Don’t feel bad about it, little pony, for it’s your turn.” and she proceeded to skewer him…



SC276: With what, exactly? You ain’t exactly holding a weapon, lady.

Scarlet: [Sapphira] “Behold, my collapsible death corkscrew!”

Ferret: No, it’s obvious what’s happening here. Sapphira just has a penis.

Topher: [Mykan] “Oh, shit! This is almost getting interesting! CAN’T HAVE THAT!”

Trekker: She shoved her junk into his bum, didn’t she?

JofY: Who wants a pony kebab?



…And he woke up with a frightful gasp to find he was at Grandruler’s manor and in his own bed.



SC276: Aw goddammit, I was actually sorta hoping we could go home early.

Dark Angel: (crying) No, no, no! This means that Rhymey is still alive! How can Mykan bring our hopes up like that?

Topher: PAY UP, SUCKAS!

SC276: You’ll notice I never said I took your bet.

Topher: (pulls out a pistol) Who was talking about the bet?

Dark Angel: Is that a water gun? (sniffs) Filled with piss?

Topher: Close! (melts Angel’s fate with the super soaker full of acid) And that, kids, was what we call “tempting fate.” It’s to be avoided at all costs.

Trekker: Did everyone here just ignore a perfect pedophilia joke?

SC276: Knowing these guys like I do, trust me, we’ll get around to that.

Dark Angel: Oh right, a pedophile joke. Let’s see… Ah! [Lightning] “Grandruler, what are you doing in bed with me?!”

JofY: Get me the table.



“Galloping Galaxies!” he panted, and felt very hot and sweaty “I’ve got to get some air.”



SC276: Me also kind of as well, and we just started.

Scarlet: “Galloping Galaxies” indeed.

Ferret: Lightning has WEIRD wet dreams.

Dark Angel: Who has a wet dream that actually leaves the bed dry?



He went to the window and opened it, letting the night breeze in.



Scarlet: [Luna] “No. I absolutely refuse to be in this story for more than my contract requires.”

Topher: He then fell out the window to his death.



All this that he had found out the other day was starting to get to him.



SC276: OK… yelling at Celestia, overqualified, anime ripoff… We’re officially on day four of thirty.



That woman was defiantly Sapphira, and Flash was defiantly working for her.



SC276: And you are defiantly refusing to spell “definitely” correctly.



“If only I had the Rainbow Rod, I could stop them and get out of here faster.”



SC276: Well the entire reason you’re even here is that you lost the Rainbow Rod. Ain’t life a bitch.

Scarlet: [Lightning] “If Sapphira or Flash handles my rod before I can get my hands on it, the entire universe might explode!”

Trekker: The world’s most dangerous handjob.

Dark Angel: Just as long as it doesn’t ‘explode’ on me.



At least it was somewhat comforting to know that they obviously didn’t know where the Rainbow Rod was, but were as desperate to find it as he was.



SC276: I’m OK with either finding it at this point. Either way means the fic’s almost over.

Scarlet: Hey, valid question- since when does Lightning know that Flash is Sapphira’s son? And if he doesn’t, why the hell is he dreaming about it?

SC276: Presumably, he figured it out when he learned Flash was the son of Principal Sapphira just last chapter. Y’know, since he’s a supergenius and everything.

Dark Angel: That and the fact that he’s strong enough to make the Hulk jealous.

Topher: They’re so desperate to find his rod, but they still haven’t checked his pants.

Dark Angel: I think they know that they’re not gonna find anything in there.



Why else would they not have waged battle against him right then.



SC276: Well, one, witnesses, and two, Stu.

Ferret: Three, the plot.

Trekker: Fourth, they just want to fuck with him a.k.a stall his time out.

SC276: Five, Mykan.



He couldn’t let them find it, and he still had twenty seven days. He just hoped nothing else would go wrong to interfere with his mission.



SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Scarlet: I’m just going to leave my recording of Tidus here to accompany you while I move on.

Dark Angel: This is where Murphy's Law comes into play. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And considering who the author is…(shudders)

JofY: Well, I think we don’t have any padding to worry about at all.



The last thing he needed now was more setbacks.



SC276: Buddy, if you don’t play in the big game and participate in the school play, I’ll eat my laptop.

Dark Angel: If you eat your laptop now, it will mean that you won’t have to read any more.

SC276: Not necessarily. I got a smartphone recently. Of course, the fact it doesn’t autoblock these things means it’s probably not all that smart…

Dark Angel: Well considering what we do, your phone is probably on par with us.



The next day, when he was dropped off at school and sent Krysta on her way to search for clues, he saw many of the students were huddled around at the bulletin boards in the main hall.



Scarlet: They’re hoping it’ll turn into an RPG sidequest notation board and they’ll have an excuse to do them instead of continuing this story’s main plot.

Trekker: Sora no Kiseki-style. Just like I want em’.

Dark Angel: So among the other multiple things this fic is a crossover with, it will also crossover with Pokémon Mystery Dungeon?

Ferret: I think that would be the only way for this to get more boring and irritating.



Just as he promised, this was the day Professor Abra had chosen his cast for The Music Masters and was nearly ready to put up the list.



SC276: OK, let’s see if I did manage to predict the entire cast from the play synopsis alone. *pulls up a page on a clipboard* Shall I recap?

Scarlet: By all means!

SC276: *ahem* Starla as Michelle, Lightning as Dylan, Rhymey as Cyrus, Sunset as Rita, and Fluttershy as Evelyn. These predictions were made based on how well the play’s personalities matched each of their characters because Mykan has no creativity whatsoever.

Trekker: Giving the character contradictory roles would’ve create great character development opportunities, but since this is Mykan, he probably never even watched K-ON!

Scarlet: I don’t even like K-On that much and I’m not willing to wish Mykan on him.



Sunset waltzed in wearing a pair of dazzling movie star shades and a white frilly scarf.



Scarlet: Apparently, Professor Abra has cast Rarity as Sunset Shimmer for the remainder of the story.

Trekker: Sooooo… Sunset became Joseph Joestar?

Scarlet: I am only okay with this if she uses Hamon to prematurely end the fic.

JofY: Well, that would require wanting at least one of the characters to breathe.



Lots of the boys in the halls thought she looked highly attractive, and for once she let them ogle her.



Scarlet: Her usual response was to devour their innards and fill the emptied-out corpse with candy.

Ferret: And failing that, it would be time for Mr. Pepper Spray to come out.



Then she waltzed over to Starla. “The part’s mine, Starla Shine. You may as well head off… now.”



Scarlet: Sick playground burn! That was almost on tier with a really mean five year old!

Topher: I’ll bet another two hundred dollars that the cast list smacks Sunset Shimmer with 45 kilos of pure, uncut, comeuppance.

SC276: Sucker’s. bet.



Starla turned and ignored her and Lightning walked up to her. “I still believe in you, Starla.”



SC276: [Starla] “Obviously, I believe in myself as well, as I just ignored her.”



She turned and gazed at him and smiled, and they found they were gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. They’re cheeks turned red, and they looked away.



Scarlet: Oh dear. They’ve been invaded by shipping parasites. The fever is only the start.

Trekker: Who knew my Plague Inc. virus would’ve spread in here! That means Lightning gonna be raped by an ape in about two weeks.

Dark Angel: If Lightning got together with the human Starla, does that technically qualify as cheating?

Topher: OH, JUST BANG ALREADY!



Starla giggled and Lightning rubbed the back of his hair casually.



SC276: Get a room.

Scarlet: Do you want Lightning to breed?

Dark Angel: (shudders) Woah, that was almost as bad as when I hear the name Mykan. (shudders)

Topher: ...MYKAN!

Dark Angel: (shudders)



Soon, Professor Abra came out and fought his way past the crowd of students and put up the list.



SC276: There was a sizeable crowd before the list went up? School plays are serious business at Canterlot High.

Scarlet: [Concerned Parent] “And son, if you fail to get the lead this year, it’s back to the eternal showtunes dungeon with you!”



Of course, everyone practically stampeded by him to get a closer look, and it was there in black and white; Starla had landed the role of Michelle, much to Sunset’s dismay and horror.



SC276: One down! *makes a checkmark*



“What?!” she growled as she read over the list and she found that she was in the play too, but she’d be playing the nasty girl, Rita.



SC276: And that’s two! *makes another checkmark*



“Professor, this is so not right!” Sunset complained.



SC276: Au contraire, moi dame. It’s just right for a Mykan fic.

Scarlet: [Sunset] “I mean, my love of acting was established so well in this continuity before now!”



“Making decisions is never easy, Ms. Shimmer.” said Abra



SC276: [Abra] “Unless the author makes making the most obvious and stupid decision easier.”



“Ms. Shine won the role fair and square, and my decision is final. You should accept your own role in the play and be thankful for it.”



Scarlet: [Sunset] “I don’t have a role. You just wrote the words ‘colossal tool’ on my script and hurled it back at me while laughing!”

Trekker: “Colossal Tool”: Not to be confused with a Colossal Blade, this item only have one purpose: to cleave all quality in a fanfic.

Dark Angel: Was that the script to the musical, or this fic?



Sunset stomped her foot and stormed away, but Lightning congratulated Starla “Way to go, Starla. You did it.” he stopped when she hugged him warmly. “You said I could do it if I believed, and you were right.”



SC276: Two shipping moments in three paragraphs, we get it author, she’s the love interest.

Scarlet: The parasites have spread. They are now hugging in order to share body heat. Little do they know that they are accelerating the life cycle of the beasts.

Trekker: And I just got airborne transmission on it, so this thing is going to spread beautifully.

JofY: Wait, so, by that same type of logic, Sunset never actually believed she could get the part?



Lightning hugged her back, and their friends came over and offered their congratulations to Starla, then they all proceeded to check out the rest of the list, Rhymey was in-- he landed the role of Cyrus; even if he spoke in rhyme,



SC276: Three! *another checkmark*

Scarlet: [Rhymey]: “It’s not that I have to speak in rhyme/I’m just tricky enough to rock them on time.” ...aaand I feel like I should apologize to Run DMC now.

Dark Angel: Is there even such an apology strong enough for that?

Ferret: Did you read ahead, SC?

SC276: You insult me. Mykan is simply this predictable. Like how you can record the entire side of a conversation with Dilbert.

JofY: You insult Dilbert.

SC276: I’m quoting the cartoon on this, buddy.



and Twilight Sparkle landed the role of Evelyn, Rita’s timid and bungling girl who becomes Cyrus’ love interest.



SC276: OK, I’m off there, but given Fluttershy didn’t audition last part, that’s still up in the air. I’m willing to bet by the time the play starts, she’ll have the role, no questions asked.

Scarlet: Three out of four ain’t bad.

SC276: In fact, I predict Twilight will be unavailable because the conclusion of Equestria Girls will happen and Mykan will forget it’s not pony!Twilight and the role will be empty.



No one seemed to mind that, but what shocked everyone, especially Lightning was that he himself was on the list too; cast as Dylan, the leading man!



SC276: Four! *one last checkmark* And that’s four out of five on the initial casting. Time will tell if I get perfect prediction bingo.

Scarlet: Wait, he didn’t even actually audition.

Trekker: To quote JJBAAS!Dio:

No, no, nononoNONO! MOTHERF**KER!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! BULLS**T! BULLS**T! BULLS**T!

Topher: What are you talking about, of course he di- (checks the previous chapters) ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!

JofY: Wow. I don’t care! About the actual casting, quite good use of a single brain cell, SC.



“What?!” he snapped “But… I… I… I didn’t even sign up.”



Scarlet: For once I agree with Lightning!

SC276: [Abra] “You did that when you came up and danced. Didn’t you read the syllabus?”

Topher: [Lightning] “This is an extracurricular activity. What syllabus?” [Abra] “SHUT UP AND DANCE FOR ME! I PAID GOOD MONEY TO HAVE YOU DELIVERED TO ME!”



His friends were confused as well; they knew he was telling the truth. Professor Abra admitted that it was he who wanted Lightning in the play more than anything,



Scarlet: [Abra] “Which is why if you back out now, I’ll be forced to seat you next to Rhymey in all your classes for the remainder of the year.”

[Lightning] “I thought earth-humans had concepts of basic decency.”

Dark Angel: [Abra] “Have you ever visited a nudist colony?”

Ferret: Yay nepotism!



as he was quite astounded by his dance skills the other day and by how he was showing great care towards others.



SC276: [Abra] “Except towards the principal. You really have issues with authority, young man.”

Topher: Dude, I study in theatre, and caring is not a required trait. A thin politeness barely holding back a sea of rage and fear, maybe, but not caring.



Exactly was the character Dylan was supposed to be portrayed. “Please, Mr. Dawn. The very future of theater is at stake,



SC276: It’s a high school play. It’s not like the continuing performance of The Mousetrap that’s required to keep TV Tropes from giving the murderer away.

Scarlet: Spoilers, it was the witch.



with your skill and talent I just know this performance shall be greater than ever.”



Scarlet: [Abra] “And by devouring the applause you are sure to earn, I will finally ascend to my true form- Professor Kadabra!”

Dark Angel: Of course he won’t become Alakazam until he’s transferred to another fic.

Fallen Prime: And even then, he doesn’t have a Mega Stone.

Topher: [Abra] “A while back we had these three girls try out, but someone kept turning on the fog machine when they performed, and hey wouldn’t ever take off those stupid pendants!”

JofY: “But there probably isn’t anything interesting there.”



Lightning was in a very tough spot, he knew that all of his spare time was to be devoted to his mission, but then again, he had never taken part in a theatrical musical before and he was good those sorts of things,



Scarlet: He knew this from all his time performing musicals while Grand Ruler tutored him in the ways of being an Alicorn super-soldier.

Topher: Allow me to translate what Mykan just said: “Lightning had no experience in musical theatre, he was very good at musical theatre.” DOES ANYONE PROOFREAD THIS?! I MEAN, I’D BE WILLING TO LET THIS OFF AS AN EARLY ATTEMPT, OR MAYBE SOMEONE WHO JUST WAS TRYING OUT WRITING, BUT GODDAMN, THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR AGES, WITH BARELY ANY PLOT PROGRESSION, CHARACTERS THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE JUST BECAUSE, CHARACTERS WE’RE SUPPOSED TO DISLIKE JUST BECAUSE, A COMPLETE BLANK FOR A LEAD, FORCED ROMANCE, FORCED CHARACTERS, THE ONLY REASON THIS EXISTS IS BECAUSE EQUESTRIA GIRLS EXISTS, AND MYKAN WANTED TO HOP ON THAT BANDWAGON WHILE PEOPLE STILL GAVE A SHIT! THERE IS NO EFFORT HERE! NONE! THE STORY IS SO CLICHE I HAVE MADE MULTIPLE BINGO CARDS ABOUT IT, THE CHARACTERS ARE EITHER GENERIC GOOD, GENERIC BAD, OR JUST FUCKING NOTHING! THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT I’VE EVER HAD TO READ, AND THAT INCLUDES THE WORKS OF FELIXDAWN, COLT IN THE MOON, AND APPLESHORT! FUCKING APPLESHORT! THIS IS SIMULTANEOUSLY PAINFUL AND NUMBING! IT’S THE MOST DULL YET AGONIZING THING I’VE EVER HAD TO EXPERIENCE! FUCK THIS SHIT, TOPHER OUT!

(Topher Explodes)

SC276: ...OK, that’s a first. Sort of.

Dark Angel: The exploding part was enjoyable though.



plus some of his friends were all in it, but it also meant he’d be acting alongside Twilight, and worse, Sunset,



SC276: Eww, canons.



but then again it would also be a chance for him to have an extra activity after school and such.



SC276: That’s not a plus for you, that’s a plus for the fic length.

Dark Angel: And that’s a minus for us.

Scarlet: Like any savvy Persona player, he’s realized that there’s a social link hiding here.



All those thoughts, so many pros, so many cons… “I’ll do it.” he suddenly said, and couldn’t believe he just did.



SC276: I can.

Scarlet: [Lightning] “Hey, I used earth-human language without mixing my idioms up! Huzzah!”

JofY: [Abra] “Okay, now for this role, you're going to have to be in a lot of padding… For your costume.”



Many of the students cheered for him already, and Krysta saw and heard everything from the window. “Lightning, what are you doing?!” she groaned under her breath.



Scarlet: [Krysta] “The High School Musical crossover was supposed to be for next month! We were going to do Rainbow Rocks today!”

SC276: Nah, that’s the next EqG ripoff.

Dark Angel: What’s Krysta doing here? Didn’t Celestia say that no animals were allowed near the school? And did I just remember something from the previous part?!

SC276: I think they’re still installing the turrets. Or at least finding out how to shoot at animals that aren’t humans.



Sunset was also peering from around the corner, still outraged she lost the leading role to Starla, but at least she got a chance to work with Lightning and thought maybe she could use this to her advantage;



Scarlet: If she could only recruit him for her WoW guild, they would finally have the DPS required to deal with the latest expansion’s superboss!



to get revenge on Starla and maybe even change Lightning’s mind about being a popular guy instead of getting revenge on him.



Scarlet: Getting revenge on who now? Mykan, buddy, your sentences… we have to talk about them sometime.

SC276: You go, girl! Stick it to the Stu’s love interest! BRING THE NIGHT!



Then she noticed that her boyfriend wasn’t with her the whole time.



Scarlet: Oh my god! Wait, he was supposed to be?



“When I get my hands on Flash, he’ll be just as sorry as Starla will.”



Scarlet: [Sunset] “I’m going to leak his personal information to the brony community. He’ll be slaughtered!”



Lightning went to his locker to get ready for first period, still unable to believe what he had just put himself into. He closed the door and was surprised to see Flash there. “Hello, Lieutenant.”



SC276: [Lightning] “Goodbye, Private.”

Dark Angel: I don’t think Lightning should be talking about privates when they’re looking for his rod.



Lightning features hardened “You called me Lieutenant. You know who I really am.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Thank god, I can shed my earth-human disguise around someone! It was growing tiresome adding that qualifier to everything.”



Flash nodded, and explained he was on to him right from the very start. He just needed proof to be absolutely certain. “Lightning Dawn, the Grand Ruler’s personal student. You’re slicker than I first gave you credit for.”



Scarlet: [Flash] “Seriously, I just touched your body and my fingers slipped straight off. Did you cover yourself in soap?”

[Lightning] “Earth-showers confuse me.”

SC276: Someone explain to me how Flash figured out Lightning’s rank, because unless Sapphira has a Starfleet barcode scanner, there’s no way he would be able to figure th- oh right, it’s probably on his normal alicorn uniform and Sapphira… maybe saw it somehow while trying to steal the Rainbow Rod, hell with it, let’s get on with this nonsense.

JofY: I can figure it out. What’s the highest rank that Mikran thought of off the top of his head?



Lightning felt his anger rising. “If you know all that, then you know that I came here to stop you and your cursed mother.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Seriously, did you have a point to this confrontation?”

[Flash] “Dude, have you seen how my Mom and I operate? I wouldn’t be allowed to talk to you if it even remotely accomplished anything!”



Flash sniggered softly “What are you going to do, expose us? I very much doubt the people will believe your story.”



SC276: Fun fact, Flash: he tried that, and they already don’t.

Scarlet: [Lightning] “Oh… just you wait until I finish recalculating the density of Earth-Human skulls! Then I’ll punch the information through!”

Dark Angel: [Flash] “The density of Earth-human skulls is higher than you think.”



Lightning was cornered there, but he also knew that Flash couldn’t do anything to him either at present.



SC276: Why? Like, seriously, why? It’s early enough in this accelerated play production that he can be replaced easily. And I pointed out last part, taking Lightning out gives Sapphira and Flash infinite time to realize the Rainbow Rod’s been turned into the world’s gayest basketball trophy.

Dark Angel: (holding back some vomit) You just referred to Lightning’s rod as gay.

Scarlet: To be fair, his most plausible ship is kinda still Flash so far.

Dark Angel: (vomits)

Scarlet: I have probably boned more actual dudes than you and I’m still more secure about this. What is your issue, man?

Dark Angel: It’s who’s involved that I have an issue with. Honestly, I support gay rights.



“Good luck Young Lightning. You’ll need it and more.”



Scarlet: [Flash] “Hey, Mom? Yeah it’s me. Yeah, I did the whole pointless thing where I let him know we were aware of him. Mmhmm, yeah, lot of empty posturing. Listen, you’re sure I can’t just punch him in the face- no? Alright. Yeah, yeah. Bye.”

JofY: [Sapphira] “Why doesn’t he say he loves me…”



Flash said, and then he headed off to class. Lightning didn’t know what Flash was plotting, but realized now he’d have to keep his guard up more than ever.



Scarlet: [Flash] “Mom? It’s me again. Hey, haven’t a lot of our plans lately been completely counterproductive? I mean- no, I won’t argue. Yes, I’m going to drop more cryptic hints later. Bye.”



Lightning found it hard to concentrate on all his assignments that day.



SC276: You couldn’t concentrate before from pure boredom.

JofY: Plus, that butterfly was just like, everywhere, man.



He worried about what kind of things Flash was capable of, and he already had enough to worry about.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “It has just occurred to me that ‘thick skull’ is probably an earth-human idiom rather than a physical trait which actually impedes understanding.”



Now that he was officially going to be in the school production. He had to meet after school with his cast mates to talk about rehearsals and other things.



Scarlet: Just to talk about them. Lightning didn’t have to actually participate because he was a GOD OF THEATER.

SC276: I think Dimentio might have a few words to say to that...



At lunch, Lightning had hardly touched his food. The others merely dismissed that he was just nervous about being in the play, even though he protested that wasn’t it.



Scarlet: Scarlet made a quip about how much dialogue Mykan skips over.

Dark Angel: And considering how little dialogue this play probably has, once the play starts, it will probably already be over…which is good because…NO RHYMEY!



He then saw Twilight up at the front just getting her lunch, when she bumped right into Flash. “Oh, sorry about that.” She said feeling so embarrassed, but simply smiled at her and said “No, I’m sorry.” and he bent down to help her clean up the mess.



Scarlet: ...did he just write in an origin story for the “We really need to stop bumping into each other” gag? Mykan, are you seriously actually trying to work within canon? Why?

SC276: I haven’t seen Equestrian Girls in forever. Did this actually happen in the movie? Are we already getting to the integration part?

Dark Angel: At the end of the movie, the pony Flash bumps into pony Twilight and says that. But that was confusing, considering that there’s no evidence that they ever did as ponies. Mykan just made a nearly decent explanation that fixes a plot hole in the movie?! I think my head hurts.

Scarlet: ...actually, Flash says it in the human world as well. So that’s why the Pony!Flash says it. So no, the only thing Mykan’s done here is increase the number of times this happens by one.

Dark Angel: Oh yeah, this is Mykan. I should’ve known better than to think he’d actually do something intelligent.



Lightning didn’t trust Flash and already thought he was up to no good.



Scarlet: And startin’ to make trouble in the neighborhood.

SC276: He got in one little fight and his mom got scared- wait.

Dark Angel: I’m just glad you caught yourself before you finished that. We don’t need any more Rhymey rip-offs.

Topher: (Rises from a pile of ash) DID YOU JUST TALK SHIT ABOUT THE FRESH PRINCE THEME?! (Shoots Angel in the head) Death is one thing, but dissing the greatest, most 90s tv show intro ever to exist is another.

Dark Angel: I’m not dissing the Fresh Prince theme. In fact I have a fic that references it. I just hate Rhymey, like any sane human. Now does anybody have an advil? I’ve got a killer headache.

SC276: Welcome back, Toph. You didn’t miss much, just Mykan being Mykan.

JofY: ...My ash pile.



“Lightning, are you okay?” asked Artie. “What’s wrong?”



Lightning thought of telling them, but remembering what Flash had told him that they wouldn’t believe him anyway, “It’s nothing.”



SC276: As well as past experience with him telling the truth about anything.

Scarlet: [Lightning] “I have just been informed that I will be unable to communicate effectively with earth-humans even through the use of trepanning.”

[Artie] “Wow, dude, you’re such a kidder.”



The others were not convinced.



“Something is wrong, that’s clear.

You seem to be fraught with fear.” said Rhymey.



Scarlet: Thank you for noticing, dear. Now shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Dark Angel: Oh no! It’s starting again! Gotta go to my happy place…beginning of act 7…Sapphira killing Rhymey…(sighs in content)

Topher: Shortly after that, it was all a dream! Never forget that part! You’ll live your life in gladness, just give in to the madness…

Dark Angel: Trust me, I’m aware of what the truth is. But the idea of Rhymey being dead is just so pleasurable.



“I think I know what’s wrong with him.” said Sunset as she came up to the table.



SC276: Sunset has Stu-gar: headcanon confirmed.



“Who invited you here?” sneered Starla.



Scarlet: [Starla] “This is the OC-only table. Canon Scrub!”



Sunset ignored her and merely gazed at Lightning “You’re upset because you’ve never been in any theatrical play before, and you don’t think you have what to takes to be the leading man.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Actually, it’s because you earth-humans refuse to believe me every time I offer proof that I am not from your planet.”

[Sunset] “See? You’re so nervous you’ve begun to hallucinate!”



Lightning blinked once, and then felt Sunset stroking his hand softly. “Don’t worry, I can show all there is to know about acting.”



SC276: Given the shit she pulls in canon, I can believe that.

Topher: Of course, she would rather be stroking the firm, rippled handle of his rod.



“That’s… very kind of you.” Lightning said feeling a bit nervous the way she was staring at him. Starla didn’t like the way Sunset was behaving.



Scarlet: Later that night, Lightning woke up to find Starla kneeling over him with a knife and asking him what happened between him and Sunset.



In actuality, Sunset was hoping Flash had seen her flirting with Lightning in hopes of making him jealous for all his ditching her, as well as making Starla mad.



Scarlet: Bwaaaaaah? But I was so sure she sincerely wanted to help out based on all the previous times she’s been helpful in this story!

SC276: I thought this was to try and lure him away from the dweebs to make him popular. ...There’s another Wicked reference like right under the surface here.



She looked up and hoped he saw her looking their way, but unfortunately he was still helping that girl, Twilight, clean up her mess.



Scarlet: What, did she spill the entirety of the library out of her bag when she fell? They can’t still be over there!

SC276: And even if they were, Sunset is showing terrible timing!



Then he got up and left, but gazed at her one last time and actually winked at her.



Sunset couldn’t believe it, and stomped off after him, but Lightning’s friends snickered cheekily. “It looks like they’re heading for splitsville.” said Dyno. “And about time too. I don’t know what that guy ever saw in her.” added Myte.



SC276: I’m not sure what she saw in him, honestly. He’s never been seen as anything resembling caring in this entire fic.

Scarlet: [Dyno] “Hey bro, did you notice that we got through that entire sequence without a single forced Latino-ism? Think we could do that more often?”

[Myte] “I don’t think either of us has the cojones.”

Topher: I bet Flash saw something of her if you catch my drift!



By the end of the day, Principal Celestia had called students to attend an assembly



SC276: [Celestia] “The superintendent has continued to make a mockery of the school system he’s supposed to enforce, and I need something to take my frustration out on.”

Topher: [Celestia] “Bend over, it’s time for some corporal punishment.”



and announced the go ahead of The Music Masters play



SC276: [Celestia] “You know, in case you weren’t in the large crowd that saw the audition results go up.”



and that preparations were to begin immediately, but also to alert the athletics team of the grand basketball game at the end of the month,



SC276: that they should already have known about,

Scarlet: to warn the students about the dangers of run-on sentences which take up almost as much space as a paragraph,



and that the inner gymnasium would be booked for teammates to practice after school, and the days would be marked on the calendar in the main hall.



SC276: [Celestia] *inhales*



“If you still wish to join the team, you only have until the end of the week to sign up.”



Not many students seemed enthusiastic about it.



Scarlet: Well duh, most of them have probably already maxed out the Chariot social link. That’s for early game. We should’ve moved on to the Strength or Star by now!



The lights dimmed out, and a small slideshow was shown showing pictures of past games against Crystal High. Lightning could see now why the students were all non-enthusiastic.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I comprehend, now. Earth-human sports disallow all magic, and you are not allowed to spontaneously erupt into laser beam wars mid game!”

JofY: [Celestia] “And here we have another blurry photo where you can’t see what’s happening because our camera person is shit.”

Dark Angel: I didn’t know Celestia liked searching for Bigfoot.



Crystal High had some tough and mean looking players, but then the last slide was shown-- an image of the trophy that would be presented to the winner of the grand game.



Scarlet: Amusing factoid- “the grand game” or “the great game” are terms used to describe the challenge to the reader presented by detective fiction. Mystery Basketball Challenge!

Dark Angel: Wait, does that mean this fic is now crossing over with Phoenix Wright and Professor Layton?



Lightning gasped hard, so did Krysta watching from the window. That trophy was indeed, the Rainbow Rod,



SC276: Fucking called it!

Topher: Ok! Just break into the various school administrative buildings, grab the rod, and run for it!



but to everyone else it looked like the most beautiful trophy anyone had ever seen.



Scarlet: My reward for calling this is apparently pain.

Dark Angel: Don’t worry. That’s not the result of the reward. That’s simply the result of a Mykan-fic.



Rarity’s eyes shimmered like the jewels she saw encrusted on the gold. “Why… I’ve never seen anything so… magnificent… in my life.



Scarlet: For the love of god, nobody tell Rarity that she’s been swooning over Lightning’s rod. I don’t think her heart could take it.

Dark Angel: And it will make Starla jealous.



The gold alone must be worth twenty-four karat.”



SC276: Um, karats are the measure of the gold’s purity, not necessarily value.

Dark Angel: Don’t tell Carrot Top that though.



“This trophy is being held in a special place, for safe keeping



SC276: [Celestia] “...because our superintendent continues to be a dick…”



and will only be presented to the winning team at the end of the grand game.” said Celestia “And this year… it’s going to be we who win!”



Scarlet: The Friendship Games is really turning out to be a letdown. And I was so looking forward to that movie!



The students finally began showing some enthusiasm, especially the athletes, but Lightning couldn’t take his eyes off the picture, and neither could Flash.



Scarlet: So Flash is just staring at Lightning’s rod, now? Yaoi dating sim, FULL SPEED AHEAD!

Topher: ...Ok. Just break in, grab the rod, and run for it.



“So that’s what mother is after…” he thought to himself “But I still have no way of knowing where it is or how to get it.”



Scarlet: Sapphira, you’re a reasonably independent woman, I’m sure. There are much better things for you to focus on acquiring than Lightning’s rod.

SC276: I would think the obvious idea is to join the basketball team and win the game. Which both Lightning and Flash will do. On opposite sides, naturally. And we’ll never know the identities of any of the other players because who gives a fuck about them? Honestly, the best that could happen is that they win the game in the background while the two of them are locked in a stalemate.

Topher: Just break in, grab the rod, and run for it!

Dark Angel: He would have to know where the rod is in the first place.

Topher: It’s in a school system building, just start punching walls until you find it.



When the assembly had ended, school was out, and the students filed out, a lot of them talking about how amazing that trophy looked. Even Lightning’s friends couldn’t stop talking about it. “Did you see the jewels on that thing?” asked Buddy.



Scarlet: I do not want to know the size or cut of Lightning’s jewels.

Dark Angel: Seriously, at this point, there’s no way the innuendos are by accident.



“I’ve seen all kinds of forgeries and carvings, and never seen anything like that.” said Artie.



Scarlet: [Artie] “Oh yeah, my Dad’s an art forger. Wanna see my collection of fake Picassos?”



Then, they all realized they had seen that object, or rather a likeness of it before; in Lightning’s art drawing, and for a brief moment, they were starting to feel that maybe Lightning was telling the truth about his story.



SC276: Why couldn’t the robin have talked to them again?

Dark Angel: Because that would’ve actually been a smart thing to do.



Starla looked around “Where is Lightning?”



Scarlet: [Starla] “And is it weird that we’re all obsessed with his rod?”

[Buddy] “I admit, I want to hold that rod in my hands.”

[Artie]: “I wouldn’t mind getting a closer look.”

[Rhymey] “I still want my hands on Fluttershy’s bod/but damn, bro, that is one fine-ass rod.”

[Starla] “...Okay then, it’s official. We’ve become an unintentional harem.”

Dark Angel: Normally, I’d say ‘shut the fuck up, Rhymey’. But unlike Mykan’s writing, that was halfway decent.

Topher: Hopefully he’s breaking in, grabbing the rod, and running for it.



Lightning had dashed through the school and outside, to the end of the street where he met up with Krysta. “Lightning…!” she hollered as she flew towards him.



Scarlet: Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Rocky!?

Topher: Oh, fantastic! He must have broken in, grabbed the rod, and is now running for it!



“You saw it?” he asked her.



“I did! We found it!”



“No, not yet we haven’t, but at least we have a great lead now, but you heard Celestia; I don’t know where to even start looking for it.”



SC276: How about you ask the superintendent? You know, the guy who you’re freeloading off of. Just show him the talking robin, and it’ll be done in two snaps!

Topher: ...Did he just forget about his Stu Strength? You’ve got nothing to lose, man! just start ripping doors off hinges until you find it!

SC276: Um… Did you miss that it’s not being held in Canterlot High?

Topher: Who said anything about sticking to Canterlot High? We know that it’s probably in one of the school system buildings, just start chewing through all of them until you find it and- Wait, has Mykan bothered to explain why the rod is the trophy yet?



Neither of them had any ideas, but they knew they had to find it and get it before Sapphira or Flash did.



“Why not ask Grandruler? If anyone will know, he will.”



SC276: That’s what I just said!

Dark Angel: Wait, someone actually came up with a smart idea? Okay, who replaced the Mykan-fic with a good story?



Lightning agreed, and there were payphones at the corner of the street, except he hadn’t quite learned how to use them yet, for he had only learned so much in three days.



SC276: [Krysta] “Well, how does your communicator work?”

[Lightning] “I have never been out of shouting range of my teammates.”

[Krysta] “How did you even get in the army again?”



He picked up the receiver. “Hello? Hello…?” he clicked onto the trigger on the hook; nothing.



Scarlet: Aside from accidentally shooting Rhymey in the foot. Nobody cared, though.

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “…Yeah…accidentally…that’s right…”

RJ: (singing) He’s at a payphone trying to call home...



Even Krysta didn’t know how it worked, but luckily they saw someone in the other booth next to theirs, putting money in the phone to make it work. Only, Lightning’s gold coins were too wide and got stuck in the slot,



SC276: Your guardian, trying to get you back on a proper life, didn’t give you this-world currency?! What if you wanted something from a vending machine?! Heck, this is even more unbelievable, because in my high school, we had to buy the school lunches! Has Cookie or whatever his name is been packing lunches for Lightning to take to school every day? That would’ve been nice to know before now!



and even still he didn’t even know Grandruler’s number. “You don’t know his number?!” wailed Krysta.



SC276: [Lightning] “I never asked! The guy just shows up whenever it’s narratively convenient!”

Scarlet: [Grandruler] “I’m currently vacationing while preparing my libel case against Topher for last time’s riff. Sorry, you’re all just screwed!”

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “Well, as long as it’s a case against Topher, it’s for a worthy cause.”

Topher: If you’d like to discuss matters, feel free to contact me and my lawyer here, You fuckin’ pedophile sex trafficker. (pumps shotgun) Just call us at 101-69-FUCKU



Lightning resisted the urge to argue, and then remembered his friends knew Grandruler’s number. He ran back to the school almost running right past them as he got back. “Whoa! Whoa! Easy, amigo.” said Dyno. “What’s got you so riled up?” asked Myte.



SC276: [Dyno] “You know, beside the things you were worried about during lunch.”

Scarlet: [Myte] “Incidentally, dude, have you seen that rod? It’s breathtaking!”

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “You two had better keep your hands off of my rod!”

[Starla] “Can I hold your rod?” …yeah, I think you get where this is going.



“Artie!” cried Lightning “Quick, can you call Grandruler for me?”



Artie felt a little nervous the way he was acting



SC276: [Artie] “Let go of my shirt!”



“I could call him, but he’s in a huge meeting right now with the supreme school board council.



SC276: [Artie] “Which I somehow know.”

Scarlet: I presume Grandruler just barged into the middle of every classroom on his way there, shouted it at the top of his lungs, and left.

Topher: He made sure to get a good look at each student as part of his “talent scouting” mission.



He wouldn’t be free until later.”



“Oh, no! Of all the times.” groaned Lightning.



SC276: You literally live with him. You can literally tell him over dinner that evening!



The others could tell he was really upset, but Starla reminded him that they both and Rhymey had to meet up with Professor Abra about the play.



Scarlet: I think the last actual Persona crossover I read had fewer boring after-school activities.

Topher: I think the last school I went to had fewer boring after-school activities. And VT has a Bendy Straw Club!



“I can’t wait.

This’ll be great.” said Rhymey.



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: I kind of wonder if Rhymey’s couplets are so terrible because Mykan’s hiding behind him somewhere with a weapon, forcing him to speak only in awkward rhymes.

Dark Angel: [Rhymey] “Friends, I must say that I am not fine. Please take a look at what’s pointed at my spine.”



Realizing he was licked for the moment, Lightning decided to head in, which suddenly reminded him that Sunset and Twilight were in the group too.



SC276: [Lightning] “Right… The canons… Such an inferior species...”

[Starla] “You know that’s racist, right?”

[Lightning] “But it’s true!”



They all met up in Abra’s D.A classroom and all took their seats. There weren’t a lot of chairs, but at least Lightning got to sit near Starla which made him feel more comfortable,



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Sitting near Flash Sentry has caused me to question my sexuality three times already.”

Topher: [Lightning] “I wonder what his rod feels like…”



but Twilight ended up sitting beside him. The two said nothing to each other and merely turned away acting like stubborn children, much to Rhymey and Starla’s confusion.



SC276: Neither of their group of friends asked about the whole pet battle thing?

Scarlet: They just presumed it’s normal for Lightning to attempt to kick dogs in the face.



Sunset sat behind Lightning, but she didn’t look a bit happy. “What happened to you?” asked Twilight and she teased “Eat one too many lemons.”



SC276: Why are you two anywhere near each other again? It’s theater, you can sit on the floor.

Scarlet: [Sunset] “Close. Written into one too many lemons.”



Sunset gritted her teeth and growled furiously which made Twilight withdraw what she said.



SC276: It was then spent on getting new earrings.

Scarlet: *makes incoherent barking noises*



Starla softly nudged Lightning and told him that Flash Sentry dumped her.



SC276: You’ll be fine, girl. You deserve better than that enemy-Stu.

Scarlet: I just love how the sentence structure here makes it seem like Flash Sentry dumped Starla, not Sunset.



She and the others saw it as they left the assembly, almost everyone in school knew of it now.



SC276: [Starla] “Except you because you ran out and forgot how to use a payphone.”

Scarlet: [Flash] “In retrospect, breaking up with someone in front of the entire school was kind of a dick move on my part wasn’t it?”



He had dumped her because he was tired of being bossed around and being part of her childish antics and putting up with her tantrums.



SC276: Then why are we still riffing these fics?

Topher: I’ve tried to set us free but even if we die, we just always find a way back to this place. I’m starting to wonder if we’re trapped here forever.



“Plus, you’re just really annoying.” That’s what he said.



SC276: No, that’s what we’ve said. To the author. Multiple times.

Scarlet: Funny you mention the author, I think he’s sharing his opinion on Sunset with that line.

SC276: No, really?



Lightning didn’t know why, but he felt a little sorry for Sunset, but really he felt more concerned for others.



Scarlet: That night Sunset validated his prediction by stalking Flash Sentry with a knife and asking him what was between him and that Twilight girl.



Just one look at Sunset and how steamed she looked, she was bound to be a dangerous one; no telling what she was capable of doing.



SC276: [Lightning] “I mean, it can’t be lasting damage, because I’m me, but I’m still concerned for some reason.” Also, I’m revising my theory: Sunset will attempt to sabotage Starla, but take out Twilight instead, thus allowing Fluttershy to play her role.



For now, Professor Abra got all their attention,



SC276: ALL the attention!



and for an hour or so they just spent the session talking about rehearsal times after school for a couple of hours or so, and that they would have three weeks before the big performance which would happen at the end of the month, the very night before the day of the grand basketball game.



SC276: OK, took me a moment to figure out that the play was going to be the day before the game. ...Why is the big game during the day, when the parents are all going to be at work? And if it’s the weekend, why not say so? Pretty sure Equestria uses the same calendar days as real life.

Scarlet: Allow me to do my impression of Mykan plotting this. *makes explosion noises and tosses hundreds of sheets of paper into the air*

Topher: (Starts throwing lit matches into the air, causing scraps of burning paper to flutter down around the- uh… riff… place.)



This disturbed Lightning, because according to the calendar Abra showed them, the big show was held on what would be day 28 of his mission, exactly two days before his time would be up.



SC276: And the big game where you’ll win the goal of your mission as a literal trophy is on day 29. Thank Mew for convenient scheduling, right?

Scarlet: I love how he’s boned if Sapphira delays a basketball game for 48 hours.

Topher: OR, he could just break in, grab the rod, and run for it!



“I expect you all to give your best.” said Abra “We begin after school tomorrow. Now, off you go then.”



SC276: Now, let’s see, we’re on day 4, so they’re starting proper on day 5. If the play’s on day 28 - and just on day 28, even though even bigger high school plays have multiple-day runs, and this is bigger the way it’s being treated - that would mean the total development time would be 23 days, maybe 24 or 25 if you count auditions and/or the audition results. Yeah, uh, they have other classes, you know.

Scarlet: Again. I have done less school schedule micromanaging in Persona. And that’s all about school micromanaging.



Everyone got up and took their schedule sheets to remind them of practice times. Lightning was as lost in his thoughts as he walked,



SC276: Isn’t that his natural state of being?

Dark Angel: Yeah it is. But I don’t think Mykan knows it.



that he ran right into Twilight as he and she tried to walk out the door at the same time. “Watch it, will you?” he snapped at her.



“Maybe you should yourself!” growled Twilight “Look. I don’t know what your problem is with me,



SC276: [Lightning] “Your dog tried to eat my bird!”

[Twilight] “You’re still on that? You hold a grudge longer than SC does.”

[Lightning] “Who?”

[Twilight] “Right, meta humor’s just going to go over your head…”



but you better start treating me with better respect,



SC276: [Twilight] “Actually, treat people besides yourself with respect in general.”

Scarlet: Somewhere, Aretha Franklin shudders in horror.



because we’re in this play, all of us, and I’m not letting the Professor down.” and then she stormed off.



Scarlet: One might say they were… all in this together.

Dark Angel: We don’t need anything else reminding us that this is a crossover with High School Musical.



Even Starla and Rhymey were getting a little tired of Lightning always barking at that girl,



SC276: See, even they’re tired of this shit.

Dark Angel: You know it’s a bad fic when the fic itself even says ‘enough is enough’.



though they didn’t know much about her. They suggested he take it easy on her. Then they walked off too.



SC276: All these short sentences… They had dreams of being complex sentences someday… *sniff*

Scarlet: Complex sentences nothing. Mykan’s got some kind of dialogue allergy and has to skip as much of it as possible in order to continue writing!

Dark Angel: Well I’ve got allergies to bad fics. But I push through it so that I ca-*ACHOO*-so I cad codtidue with these riffs. *sniff*

Topher: (Suddenly wearing a lab coat) Hang on, let me get you some antihistamines. (injects a syringe of mysterious purple fluid into Angel’s neck) That oughta fix you up. or make you leak brain fluid.

Dark Angel: This fic is already liquefying by brain. How would I kdow if what you gave be would bake a differedce?

Topher: Ah, I see I gave you the brain fluid thing. I really should label these syringes. Hang on, let me give you an antidote. (Opens a the side of his lab coat, revealing row upon row of syringes filled with multicolored fluids.) Care to try your luck?



Sunset was the last to leave the room. “Looks like I’m not the only one with troubles around here.” she said.



SC276: Author, stop pretending she’s Wall-aware.



Lightning wasn’t sure what to say to her, as he had his own issues about Flash.



Scarlet: I officially now ship it to the moon.



“I’m sorry, Sunset.” he said.



SC276: For what, her break-up? That’s the “I’m sorry” of someone that doesn’t actually care.



She looked at him and smiled weakly. “Thanks. Maybe we’re more alike than you think.”



SC276: ...She’s gonna try hooking up with him, isn’t she. *flops*

Scarlet: I assume the hate the brony community in general has for Flash would be somewhat abated if they knew about this character.

Topher: “We’re not so different, you and I.”



Lightning suddenly felt sick inside,



SC276: Join the club.

Topher: (Reaches into his coat) Hang on, I have something for thi- OW! I probably should have put some kind of safety cap on these syringes. I wonder what that one does. (Eyes start slowly cycling between different colors) Huh. This may look pretty, but it’s actually excruciating.



and then walked off, and then he passed by a freshly put up poster in the main hall which showed a picture of the trophy-- the Rainbow Rod--



Scarlet: Yes, Mykan, we get it. I’m running out of penis jokes!

Dark Angel: By the time we finish this fic, there will be no more penis jokes for us to use for anything else.

Topher: Don’t worry. If you go back to the earliest forms of comedy, penis jokes always existed.



, and below it was a slogan of the basketball team calling out “We Want You To Join The Team. Sign up in main office.”



SC276: [fine print] “We’re rallying around the image of the prize we’re hoping to achieve because we can’t do it around the mascot, because honestly, how could ponies ever be intimidating?”



He stared at for a moment or two, and then Grandruler came up behind him.



SC276: Oh come on! Astronaut, philanthropist, superintendent, and now ninja?!

Scarlet: I presume he just decided to take your “narratively convenient” riff and make it literal.



“I already heard you made the cast list.”



SC276: [Grandruler] “I mean, I just had to look at a piece of paper tacked up in the main hall, but I refuse to read because I am awesome.”



Lightning turned to face him and saw him smiling proudly, just like his master back at home. “You should be proud. Not many new students are lucky enough to make it where you have.”



SC276: The last five burned up on re-entry.

Scarlet: Apparently there have been gang fights over lead roles in the musical at this school.

Dark Angel: I’m assuming the reason there were so few applicants for this musical was because everyone knew it would end up in a Mykan-fic.



Lightning felt flattered, but then he asked about the trophy. “Where did you get it? That’s what I’ve been looking for.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Please explain to me in excruciating detail how you unearthed my rod!”

[Grandruler] “God damn it, I thought we were completely ditching the pedophile persona for this riff.”

[Lightning] “What?”

[Grandruler] “...Right, meta-humor.”

Topher: Oho, Grandy-boy, I’m just about to get started.



Grandruler still couldn’t believe Lightning was still going about that space story of his,



SC276: [Grandruler] “It’s been three days, do you ever shut up?”

Topher: [Grandruler] “My customers aren’t looking for someone chatty, they’re looking for someone quiet, youthful, and... tight”



but explained that a member of the supreme council found it while out for his morning stroll; it was wedged in the mud under the pond in the park;



Scarlet: Um… I’ll be honest, here, that’s kind of a bigger load than Principal Celestia turning Twilight’s tiara into a Fall Formal prop in the original movie. This thing looks like an ancient artifact and it wasn’t reported to the police? Or a museum? Anyone who might have interest in a giant gold object of indeterminate worth?

Topher: Grand Ruler witnessed all of this from his favorite hiding bush by the playground.



he noticed it when the early morning sun shined so brightly on the water he could see clear through it



SC276: I’m pretty sure that’s not how water works. You can’t see through glass very easily if there’s a bright light on your side, because so much is reflected; the surface of water is similar.

Topher: Considering the average mental capabilities of all present, I wouldn’t be surprised if they have a strong attraction to shiny objects.



and saw something shiny and gold.



This made Lightning feel shocked and slightly stupid.



SC276: “Slightly”?

Dark Angel: Well, this is bizzaro world, where slightly means extremely…and a Mykan-fic is considered a masterpiece.



“All this time, it was right where I started?!” he muttered. “Where is it being kept?”



“Now, I can’t say that.” replied Grandruler “That trophy is locked up, and as Celestia must have mentioned, you won’t see it until it is presented to the winning team,



Scarlet: [Grandruler] “There will be no dodging the plot this time, young man!”

Topher: Why hasn’t he done anything to prove himself again? He has super strength and a talking bird. Proof positive of supernatural whatchamacallit. Also,

[Grandruler] “At the game I finally get to show my rod to all the children.”



which I’m really hoping is not Crystal High this year.”



SC276: I don’t know how school districts work once you’re talking stuff outside a single school, but isn’t it likely Crystal High is in the same school district as Canterlot High? In which case, he’s superintendent for both. So by all means, he should be impartial in all this.

Dark Angel: The flaw in the logic is that that would imply that Mykan knows how anything works.

Topher: At this point I’m surprised he knows how to work a computer.



Lightning tried to explain that it wasn’t a trophy, but Grandruler still disbelieved him, for his team of experts at the board, even Professor Brain had a look at it, and concluded it was just an ordinary piece of gold covered in jewels.



SC276: Does that mean you need to know how to use it as a magical item in order to use it as a magical item, or were Lightning’s worries about just anyone being able to use it completely unfounded? Also, they obviously have previous basketball trophies; why did they decide to just turn this random shiny they found in the mud into this year’s trophy?

Scarlet: [Grandruler] “I’ve decided to offer the students actual bling. It’s the only way we’ll ever motivate them to beat Crystal High!”

Topher: Bling, for when candy isn’t enough to get the little bastards in the van.



“I’m sorry Lightning, but if you wish for Canterlot to have it, you may as well join the team.” Then he looked around and couldn’t see Lightning anywhere.



SC276: [Grandruler] “If only I could get Cookie trained that well.”



He dashed to the main-office, practically bursting through the door and startling VP Luna. “Um… can I help you, Mr. Dawn?”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I’m a space alien and I can prove it and you have my rainbow rod!”

[Luna] “...This is only the third-weirdest thing that’s happened to me today.”



Lightning took a moment to catch his breath. “I want to sign up for the team.”



“You mean the team for the grand game?” asked Luna.



SC276: [Luna] “I mean, the alternatives are, what? Debate team, chess team, spelling team… Quite a few teams, Mr. Dawn.”

Scarlet: [Lightning] “Oooh, spelling!”



“Certainty not!” snarled Celestia, who heard everything “You’ve just been assigned to the acting cast for the school play. You cannot and will not be able to handle both things at once.”



SC276: Yeah. Right.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “In the history of high school, no student has ever been in two groups simultaneously!”



“Principal Celestia, you don’t understand; I have to join the team.” protested Lightning. Luna hated to admit it



Scarlet: [Luna] “Lightning, this entire scene seems improbable. Why would you even appeal directly to the principal? That’s usually the coach’s job.”



“She has a point, Lightning. The work would no doubt be difficult on you, and would have to spend longer hours practicing in both fields.”



SC276: [Luna] “Plus you’re a student, with homework.”

[Lightning] “I’m acing everything.”

[Luna] “One, that’s not the case with biology; and two, that’s only because it’ll take a week for the graduate college materials to get here.”



“I tell you, I can do it! I have to do it! Let me do it!”



SC276: Insert that meme here.

Scarlet: Well, if you insist. *clears throat* “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down-”

SC276: *slaps Scarlet* You know which one I’m talking about, you dip. If I knew the name, I would’ve used it.

Topher: Allow me. Such Fanfic. Very Contrive. So Badness. WOW.

SC276: ...Why do I bother…?

Dark Angel: This is a fanfic that’s written by an imbecile that’s being riffed by imbeciles.

Topher: I take offense to that! We’re imbeciles, but we’re funny imbeciles. That technically makes us stooges! Proper nomenclature, please!



“Out of the question!” snarled Celestia “And unless you are willing to choose one over the other, my decision is final.”



SC276: How is this even a problem, really? The play is a hobby at best. A freakin’ side quest. Meanwhile the other thing is the thing you need to finish the thing you came here for. You’ve already got a reputation as a jerk, so it’s not like it’d hurt it any more to ditch the drama play for the basketball play. ...Also, why are you talking to the principal about this, and not the team coach?

Topher: OR YOU COULD JUST BREAK INTO THE SCHOOL COUNCIL BUILDING (where I would bet good money the rod is being held), TAKE THE ROD, LASER THE JANITOR’S BALLS OFF ON THE WAY OUT AND SAY “FUCK YOU BITCHES, THIS IS MY LASER ROD!” AND GO HOME!



“Celestia…!” Grandruler growled as he entered the office. A chill ran up Celestia’s spine



SC276: [Celestia] “Oh god, he’s going to force the narrative on his little rail again…”



“Celesto…” she said sounding a little nervous. “That’s Mr. Grandruler, or sir to you, and if Lightning wishes to do both, then let him.”



Scarlet: [Grandruler] “I, as his guardian, care infinitely more about his burnouts than you ever could!”

[Celestia] “Wait a minute, I hate this kid. Why do I care if he screws up?”



“What?!” snapped Celestia.



SC276: [Celestia] “I am this close to just accepting that you have no regard for any rules, not even your own, on this entire island whatsoever so I can stop seeing red every time you talk.”



“Sir, are you certain this is right for him?” asked Luna. Grandruler nodded and being a businessman, millionaire, not to mention ex-astronaut, he knew more about hard work and struggle than the two sisters put together.



SC276: I notice none of those job titles have you directly interact with and manage a few hundred hormone-ridden teenagers on a daily basis.

Scarlet: They also get less impressive when you realize that he inherited the first two.

Topher: He forgot to include playboy. At least until he developed a taste for... those of a younger persuasion



“I realize what strains this could bring, but Lightning, you wish to challenge yourself. You’re not like other students I’ve met,



SC276: He’s worse.



but I believe in you just as you believe in yourself.”



Scarlet: So he believes in the you who believes in you, as opposed to the you who believes in me, or the me who believes in you? Wow, we skipped straight to the third stage of Gurren Lagann self-actualization.

Dark Angel: You gotta believe!



That was pretty much all and Lightning was signed up for team tryouts.



Topher: I’m sorry, you’re having tryouts RIGHT BEFORE THE GAME?!



Before leaving, Grandruler gazed at Celestia, and warned her, “I’m getting tired of your outbursts and temper issues with the students.



SC276: [Celestia] “It doesn’t count if it’s reasonable, and being concerned for a student’s academic and physical health being compromised by overexertion is reasonable. I’m using bigger words because I expect you to be an adult that handles problems in his way in manners that aren’t all strongarming through because you own the island.”

Topher: [Celestia] “Also, he and his bird shat on my car.”

[Granduler] “HOT.”

[Celestia] “What?”

[Grandruler] “Nothing.”



You are certainly not the woman I remember, but if you don’t start showing better improvement… I… I really don’t how I can let you continue to work here.”



SC276: I can: Equestria Girls hasn’t happened yet.

Scarlet [Celestia]: “Fine then. I quit.” *ascends to alicorn status and flies away*

[Grandruler] “...well, damn.”



Then he left, but he stood outside the door, feeling rotten deep down, not just for bossing at her like that, even though she deserved it,



SC276: No she doesn’t.

Topher: And no he doesn’t. In fact, Grandruler had a half-chub going just from that little confrontation, although it was largely due to Lightning’s presence getting him in the mood first.



he seemed a little sad. “What’s happened to you, Celestia? What’s happened to us?” he thought sadly to himself.



SC276: Mykan, you are fooling no one. Your avatar is dating Celestia in the main canon - even if in the future compared to the fic’s timeline - so everyone figured out your human versions were also hooked up.

Scarlet: Sorry, give me one moment and… yup, the existential dread that came from imagining Mykan in a relationship with Princess Celestia is past now. Continue.



Celestia sat in her private office chair and hung her head in shame. She had been trying her best but in the end it was just no good.



SC276: [Celestia] “All these thickheads that get their way just because the plot says so...”



She hadn’t forgotten all the things that happened to her.



SC276: First her character was murdered, and then the experiments.



She reached into her desk drawer pulling out some paperwork, but her eyes fell upon a picture identical to the one Grandruler had in his office at home of the two people and the horse behind them. She almost felt like crying.



SC276: Just you?

Scarlet: This is much less painful when you realize she misses the horse.

Dark Angel: Knowing Mykan, she was probably married to that horse.



Luna understood how she felt and only too well, and something told her Grandruler was feeling the same way, but she honestly didn’t know what to do about them feeling they had to work it out for themselves.



SC276: How about schedule a meeting for the two of them someplace quiet where they can talk it out without Lightning having to be a Stu as an instigator? No wait, that’d make sense.

Dark Angel: And Celestia would probably end up pregnant afterwards.

Topher: But then she would have a miscarriage because a woman pissed off Mykan. Yep. that happened.



ACT EIGHT



SC276: By the way, while I was checking the posting date for one of these chapters last part, I noticed that the deviations gave each chapter a title. They weren’t in the text itself, and since the download versions of DA text submissions doesn’t include the submission’s title for whatever reason, I’m just going to chalk it up to an oversight and not write them all in myself. Lord knows I want to limit my exposure to the original source as much as possible…

Dark Angel: I understand. It’s probably safer to jump into a nuclear reactor than to take the radiation of this fic.

Scarlet: Derp of the Golden Witch.



That night, as Lightning was settling into bed, Krysta was perched on his opened windowsill, still unable to believe what Lightning had just gotten himself into. “Look, there’s no other way.” Lightning said to her “We’ve already tried it our ways and we didn’t get anywhere.”



SC276: [Lightning] “Probably because you were just eating birdseed and pecking at windows for three days.”

[Krysta] “Hey, here’s an idea: how about you take responsibility for your own screw-ups.”

[Lightning] “No.”

Scarlet: [Krysta] “Right, that’s the one thing your training didn’t cover.”

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “What training?”



“I know all that, but I’m just worried.” said Krysta “All this extra work you’ll have to do and what about the timing? We’ll be cutting it real close before our time is up.”



SC276: You mean the way it happens in all the movies always? Also, Krysta has literally no other purpose for the rest of the story; except for searching and inevitably failing to locate where the school district is keeping the Rainbow Rod, what can she even do, peck Sapphira’s eye out?

Scarlet: Nope. That would require anyone in this fanfic doing anything that will actually help them meet their goal.



Lightning gazed at the fading transport crystal and kept that well in mind, but he still had no other way. He couldn’t let the Rainbow Rod slip away from him,



Scarlet: Sometimes it’s just hard to get a handle on your rod.

Dark Angel: Use less lubricant next time.

Topher: Here’s an idea: Say “Fuck this universe, I’m going home and I’m taking my bauble.” Leave this universe, smash the warp crystal, and let Sapphira go nuts on the human world? I’m pretty sure the military can take out ONE PERSON with a ray gun. I’m sure in a universe as contrived as the Mykan universe, there is a stockpile of magical superweapons in the broom closet.



but he didn’t want to let the people in the play down either.



SC276: Oh boo hoo, don’t want to hurt the feelings of people even though literally half the things you say are strongarmed insults.



…



SC276: Dawn of the Fifth Day, Way Too Fucking Long Remaining.

Scarlet: I hope to god we don’t get all thirty of them.

Dark Angel: Especially considering it took eight chapters to get through five days. At this rate, if every day is described, this will be a fic with fifty chapters of no plot advancing.

Topher: Pray.



The next day he got his full and complete schedules, and lucky for him sports practice and play rehearsal were two hours apart from each other after school,



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Whew! For a moment I thought I’d have to clone myself!”



and right after school Lightning met up with Rainbow Dash and the entire Canterlot Team, the Wonderbolts they were called, and Penny was there ready to test Lightning out.



SC276: [Penny] “We already know you’re physically qualified because you’re basically a Dragon Ball Z character, but we have to be fair and official.”

Dark Angel: I thought that they were called the ‘WonderCOLTS’.



They started out by first seeing how fast everyone could run, and of course Lightning did astonishingly well.



Scarlet: Wow, even Mykan’s getting bored of this.



He broke Rainbow Dash’s fifty-yard track record with only 3.21 seconds, much to everyone’s extreme shock and glee.



Scarlet: I assume that was meant sarcastically.

Dark Angel: And of course you have to point out how Lightning is a Gary St-*ACHOO*...by allergies are actig up agaid.

Topher: Sorry, I dropped my lab coat the syringes went everywhere. By the way, everyone watch where you step. Some of those things were glowing.



He dribbled the basketball swiftly, and was able to leap right up to make a perfect slam-dunk into the basket, even Rainbow wasn’t able to keep up with him.



Scarlet: [Rainbow] “I’d feel worse if it weren’t for the fact that this fic has made me the benchmark to compare DBZ characters to.”



The team all huddled around Lightning, complimenting him and extending their excitement, feeling they were really going to win the grand game this year. “I hope we do.” Lightning said, and he meant that more than the others believed.



Scarlet: [B-Baller #1] “You sounded kind of insincere there, man.”

[Lightning] “Sorry! Earth-human inflections are hard to remember!”

SC276: [Lightning] “I mean, the only way we could possibly lose is if the only other superpowered guy deflected from this school and joined the opposite side because his mom told him to, but what are the odds that’ll happen?”

Dark Angel: (groans)



Penny, very curious about Lighting’s abilities, asked to see him in her med-office to give him a physical.



Scarlet: Lightning refused and ran away at mach speed screaming “stranger danger”.

Topher: Don’t worry, I’m sure Grandruler will make sure that no other bad men get to him. Unless they pay in cash up front.



She gave these exams to all members of the team every week,



SC276: That seems a tad excessive. I don’t have any idea how real high school sports teams work, but it does.

Dark Angel: I’ve never personally been in a team. But I agree that that doesn’t seem right. Is this starting to crossover with Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?



but when she examined Lightning she couldn’t really find all that much different about him,



Scarlet: [Penny] “I notice you’ve been eating raw oats, though. What’s up with that?”

[Lightning] “My cover is blown! AAAAAAAAH!”



and feeling a tad suspicious she even asked for a urine sample and blood test to see if he was on any form of medication, but it checked out clean.



SC276: OK, uh, one, I don’t think high school nurses are qualified to take urine sample tests; and two, I’m… OK, I have no idea how long those’ll take to check, I’ve never had one.

Dark Angel: Although I’m pretty sure that he should be on some meds…Oh wait, I’m thinking of Mykan.



Penny had never seen anything like this, but she was still glad to have Lightning on the team. So were all the players themselves, especially Rainbow. “I don’t know where you learned to be so good, kid, but keep it up.” she said to him.



Scarlet: Wow, she isn’t an asshole in this story. I shouldn’t be this shocked.

Dark Angel: Am I gonna find out that Applejack is gonna sell her apple treats during the game, but will get an email that the date of the game was changed?



Lightning smiled and thanked her, and then he headed off to rehearse for the upcoming play. The students met up in the atrium to study up and practice their lines and choreography for the musical dance numbers.



Scarlet: Particularly their stuff dancing, as it was the most important.

SC276: Atriums are large open spaces within a building. They’re basically rehearsing in the middle of the school’s public walking area. Jerks. Also, you’ve forgotten stage blocking in general, but that shouldn’t surprise me.

Topher: Yes, the delicate motions of stuff dancing are hard to master, especially the delicate sway of your butt cheeks as you drag them along the ground.



While at the same time others were preparing the stage with scenes and props for the show. Artie and Buddy were helping especially. Artie loved getting to paint sceneries, and Buddy helped arranging where things were, almost like arranging the flowers he planted.



Scarlet: Flower arranging and gardening are not the same thing as stage prep.

Dark Angel: And even if they were…we don’t have to be told that Buddy likes that kind of stuff!



Pinkie Pie, Applejack and her brother Big Mac were also helping them and even providing refreshments for everyone and the actors. Fluttershy was helping too, but her shyness made it hard to concentrate.



Scarlet: [Applejack] “In retrospect, bringing the girl with social anxiety to the stage was probably a pretty lame idea.”



She felt like people were watching her as if she were actually in the show itself. “Ah, buck up, girl. You’re not in the show.” said Applejack



SC276: There’s like three weeks left. Yes she is.

Dark Angel: And how is saying she’s not in the show supposed to be encouraging?



“No one’s really payin’ that much attention to ya.”



Scarlet: [Applejack] “It’s a Mykan fanfic. About half his audience are hate-readers!”

Dark Angel: [Pinkie] “And the other half are in a mental institution.”

SC276: [Applejack] “Sometimes, those overlap.”

Topher: You know, I get the sneaking suspicion that we’re in that overlap.



“I know, but I just feel so nervous. What if I mess up part of the sets and there’s a big accident.”



Scarlet: What if my mobile fortress was made of SC’s green spinach beard?

SC276: OK, joke hijack forgiven.



“Ooh, I know how you feel.” said Pinkie, and she spoke really fast “The feeling of butterflies in your stomach you get when you know that everyone will be watching you expecting you to be your best, when all of a sudden you forget your lines, or you trip over your feet and fall or bring down the whole set literally and everyone laughs and laughs at you.”



Scarlet: I’d call this character assassination if it weren’t for the fact that this joke actually happened in the show. And Pinkie was meaner there.



Fluttershy felt more scared and made weird faces of fear the more Pinkie yammered, and she could actually hear the crowds laughing at her, and she could see the accidents happening. She practically wanted to run away in tears… which she did. “Good going, Pinkie.” snapped Buddy.



Scarlet: [Pinkie] “Yup, I got her safely away from the stage. Now she and Rhymey have some distance!”

Dark Angel: [Buddy] “So it’s a mercy humiliation.”



Rhymey saw her run and wished he could go after her and comfort her.



“She might not even in the play

But I hate to see her sad that way.”



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: Now Rhymey, what have I told you about unimaginative couplets?

Topher: Ooh! OOH! I KNOW! You told him to shut the fuck up!

Scarlet: Good job, Topher! You get a treat! *tosses him kidneys*

Topher: (Violently devours the kidneys)



“She’ll be fine.” Lightning said. He and the others had their own work to worry about.



SC276: Because Lightning has been shown to capable of dealing with outbursts of others’ emotions.



“Where is Sunset?” snapped Twilight “She’s fifteen minutes late.”



Scarlet: [Twilight] “And furthermore, why am I even in this play? I’ve forgotten what could possibly motivate me to get involved in drama class!”

SC276: She took a wrong turn trying to find the book club, and they were so happy to see her, she didn’t dare leave.



That’s when Sunset finally came in, and she was surpassingly in a cool and calm mood. “Where have you been?” snapped Starla. Sunset acted casual and snobby and said “Oh, sorry, I was so busy I completely lost track of the time.”



Scarlet: Just as Mykan lost track of the number of different speakers allowed in a paragraph.



The others didn’t believe she was being sincere, but now that they were all together they could start rehearsing.



As the time went by they only just began to memorize a bit of their lines, and of course Sunset was being annoying as usual.



SC276: Stop projecting, author.



She seemed to want to spend as much time with Lightning as possible as she had a few scenes to do with him, but Starla had just as many and was not taking kindly to Sunset’s attitude, but rehearsal ended quicker than anyone realized.



Scarlet: I haven’t yet seen a reason to go back on that whole Starla-with-a-knife assertion.



“Well, that certainly went well.” Twilight groaned in dismay. The others felt the same, except Sunset. “Oh, I disagree. I think we all did great.”



SC276: That reminds me of that one McDonald’s commercial where Ronald had a bad hair day.



“Who’s we?” snapped Starla “All you did was fuss over your big scenes with Lightning. He’s not the only one in this play you know.”



SC276: [Sunset] “He’s the only one worth paying attention to! Heck, you’re so plain, it’ll take me until tomorrow to think of an appropriately witty insult!”

Scarlet: Sick playground burn!



The girls glared at each other as if there was about to be a catfight,



SC276: Cat-dog-boy-and-bird fight!

Scarlet: Add a badger and that sounds like a description of the last time I played Ironclaw.

Dark Angel: Of course that catfight will never happen. That would actually be interesting.



but Principal Celestia and VP Luna saw them.



SC276: Did you have to go straight to the top, author? Professor Abra should be there, he should be able to stop this.



“Ladies…!” Celestia snapped softly “Is there a problem?”



“No, Principal Celestia.” the girls answered.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “All three of us know that’s a god-damned lie as long as this story continues, but whatever.”



“You know that I won’t tolerate roughhousing on school grounds, even after hours.” said Celestia and then she walked off alone.



SC276: [Celestia] “It’s like the one rule the superintendent hasn’t torn down, I have to work with what I got.”

Topher: [Grandruler] “That one’s only a matter of time. I like it rough.”



“See you all tomorrow.” said Sunset, and then she walked off too, but the others were very concerned about Celestia.



SC276: Her boss is a holier-than-thou jackass. How hard is that to understand?

Scarlet: Well, you do have to remember that Grandruler brainwashed most of these characters.



Lightning turned to face “Vice Principal Luna, could you please tell us what’s wrong with your sister?”



SC276: [Luna] “Lightning, you’ve literally been there. Every time.”

Scarlet: [Lightning] “I’m terrible at reading Unicornicopian social situations. You have no idea how inept I am at Earth-human ones!”



Luna shook her head “I am sorry but I made a solemn promise not to. It’s a secret understood between us as sisters.”



Scarlet: [Luna] “The last time I told someone I was attacked by a pink mare who stuck a cupcake in my eye. I am not putting up with that shit again.”

Dark Angel: Did something actually happen, or is Celestia just going through PMS?



“We want to know.” said Starla.



“I said no. It is understood between us!” said Luna “End of conversation.” Then she walked away too.



SC276: Sisses before… I don’t know a word for students that rhymes with “sisses.”

Scarlet: Sisters before misters?



“Well, that’s it then.” Starla said “We may never figure out what’s wrong with her.”



Scarlet: And then, being extremely busy, everyone moved on with their lives instead of devoting more time to harrying Princess Celestia and hahaha yeah, that’s not happening is it.



“Maybe we shouldn’t just as well.” said Twilight “I have to go.” then she was off.



Soon, Grandruler arrived and Lightning had to leave as well.



SC276: You know, for a guy as big and important as he makes himself out to be - like, pretty sure the whole island would fall apart without him - he makes it really easy to assassinate him.



“I’ll see you tomorrow, Starla.”



“Lightning…?” Starla called to him. He turned to face her, and noticed she seemed to look a little nervous. “Never mind…”



Scarlet: Oh no, the shipping parasites! They’re interfering with her memory!



Starla didn’t want to admit it, but in the short time she knew Lightning, she was beginning to see him as no ordinary guy, strange but different among others.



SC276: You and the whole school both, sister.



He was a hard worker, he didn’t let people push him around, and he seemed to be always willing to help others, even those like Celestia who had severe issues.



SC276: Stop projecting, author.

Dark Angel: It’s like he’s trying to tell us what we already know.



As Lightning walked over to the limo he caught a glimpse of Flash and his rock band practicing music for the play out in the field,



SC276: OK, um, one, I’m pretty sure this came out before Rainbow Rocks, so without that as possible source, I doubt Flash has a band; two, high school productions don’t have live orchestras, they use pre-recorded music; and three, a band doesn’t practice music just out in the middle of nowhere where there’s no echo, including a rock back which presumably has a very large and heavy drum set.

Scarlet: To be fair this band is just two guys with kazoos, so.

Dark Angel: Actually, he had the Rock Band game. He was getting hyped for the release of Rock Band 4.



and Twilight passed by and she and Flash saw each other. He waved at her, and she waved back at him nervously.



SC276: ~And then I looked at her / And she looked at me…~



Lightning didn’t trust Flash a bit.



SC276: No, really?

Scarlet: *has a spontaneous heart attack from the shock and collapses* I’m okay!

Topehr: CLEAR! (Defibrillates Scarlet)



Unbeknownst to him, however, Sunset was also nearby and saw all that, and she wasn’t about to let that Twilight girl move in on her ex like that.



Scarlet: I’m running out of yandere jokes!



She now added Twilight to her list of vengeance victims. “Watch your step Sparkle!” she hissed sinisterly.



SC276: Why do you care, girl? He’s not only your ex, a.k.a. Mr. “don’t care about him that way anymore,” but he’s a jerk from another dimension!



On the way back, Grandruler asked “Are you okay there, Lightning? You seem awfully quiet.”



SC276: [Grandruler] “You usually mention being a space alien twice by now.”

Scarlet: [Lightning] “It’s just not the same anymore!”

Topher: [Grandruler] “Normally they at least scream when I get them in the limo.”



Lightning gazed over at him and asked if he knew what was up with Celestia, but Grandruler acted a little strange when he heard that; sort of sad. “I’d… rather not talk about It.” he said



SC276: [Lightning] “Is that just another way of saying you’re responsible for it-?”

[Grandruler] “NO.”

Dark Angel: They used to be lovers, but recently broke up, didn’t they? And they’re breaking up was from being manipulated by Sapphira.



as he got out of the limo and walked around and into the garden rather than into the house. Unseen,



SC276: So don’t mention it to the audience. God…

Topher: [Grandruler] “Nothing like spying on the kids at the playground to cheer me up.”



having heard Lightning ask that question brought on bad memories to Grandruler, that he put his against the cold brick of the house



SC276: He put his what against the house?

Scarlet: This sentence censored for the youngest readers.

Dark Angel: I’m guessing the censored words rhymes with brick.



and felt his head in shame as he sighed heavily.



As Chef Cookie Dough served Lightning his much needed dinner,



SC276: That adjective was completely necessary.

Scarlet: Completely.



he asked Lightning same question, if he was feeling all right.



SC276: [Cookie Dough] “Also, I dropped an article somewhere around here…”



“I prepared your favorite; Prime Rib extra thick rare steak just as you like it.”



SC276: I don’t think Mykan has any idea what healthy eating actually is.

Scarlet: Health, whatever. He’s a goddamn horse! Why is he eating meat?

Dark Angel: Isn’t it obvious? It’s that fake soy meat. It tastes just like the real thing…just not.

Topher: If it doesn’t bleed and/or scream, it’s not food.



“It’s not the food. I just wish I knew what was up with Principal Celestia.”



“Ah, yes, she hasn’t been the same since.”



Scarlet: since the beginning of the story, we know, moving on now!



Lightning turned to look at him. “You know…?”



SC276: [Lightning] “Thank god for narrative convenience!”

[Grandruler] “Who’s talking shit about me again?”



Cookie Dough nodded. He didn’t really make any promises, and decided to tell Lightning the story of how it all began; when he was still just an apprentice chef before he came to the island. He trained with his master at the Equestria Horse rider’s club on the mainland and saw it all happening from day one.



SC276: I have a feeling this is going to especially hurt. I’m putting on protective clothing. *puts on a rain jacket and grabs an umbrella* ...This is kinda all the protective clothing I’ve got.

Scarlet: Don’t worry. I’ve got your back. Rise, Mobile Fortress Scarlet!

Topher: WAIT! Let me get my saftey gear! (Puts a rubber glove on his head) Ready!



Celestia and her sister Luna were excellent horseback riders and both had dreams of becoming champion riders and jumpers. They practiced constantly, and got better all the time.



SC276: [Lightning] “I don’t understand this ‘getting better with practice’ thing.”

[Cookie Dough] “That’s because you’re a Marty Stu.”

Scarlet: [Lightning] “...is that a curable condition?”

SC276: [Cookie Dough] “With proper narrative challenge and character development, although in your case, it’s probably terminal.”



Celesto worked as a stable boy, trying to earn money for college to help him become an astronaut,



SC276: And given how creative he is with giving his characters alternate roles, Cookie Dough was the club’s chef.

Scarlet: I’m beginning to grow bored of this already.

Topher: If this turns into The Princess Bride, we might still have a chance.

Dark Angel: What’s one more crossover element.



and one day they just bumped into one another, and it was practically love at first sight.



SC276: Don’t make me bring in Garnet. Seriously, she’d punch me for getting her involved.

Scarlet: That and I think the fic would overload from a sudden onset of thought-out morals.

Dark Angel: Oh god. My guess was right, wasn’t it?



Celesto would from then on watch Celestia ride and become so lost watching her that he nearly forgot to do his chores,



SC276: He was almost fired twice for neglecting his job.





Scarlet: Eventually, Celestia became moderately disturbed by his constant staring.



but Celestia and Celesto always seemed to be seen together, walking and talking, and really getting closer every day.



Scarlet: [Celesto] “Every breath you take/every move you make…”

Topher: [Grandruler] “I’ll be watching from the bushes!”

Dark Angel: [Celesto] “Oh can’t you see? You belong to me.”



By the time they had turned 18 and graduated high-school, Celesto, having learned a great deal of money making and investing had made his first small fortune,



SC276: Buddy, the economy’s not that open.

Scarlet: I’m going to read that as “made it rich in the drug trade.”

Dark Angel: Knowing how things are going, it was actually the ‘sex trade’.

Topher: There’s money to be made by catering to… niche… markets.

SC276: Buddy, you want “niche market,” you should see my fetishes.

Topher: There’s only one way to objectively judge the weirdness of a fetish. how many hours of cleanup is required afterwards? If it defies reality, take the number of hours that would be required for cleanup if it was performed as imagined, and add 24.



bought Celestia a special horse for her very own as a thank you for being such a special friend to him. Celestia felt ever so touched, that she named the horse Bud,



Scarlet: After her cheap beer of choice, which she used to drown the memories of being stalked.

Dark Angel: Wait, does this mean that Buddy really was originally a horse?



as a symbol of their friendship, which only seemed to be getting stronger and deeper as time went by.



SC276: It says a lot when, after months of time together, she names the horse representing their friendship after the first stage of a flower.



Celestia tamed him well, and won several championships, but really she owed her inspiration to Celesto.



SC276: [Celestia] “I owe the author avatar everything because I am a mere filthy canon.”

Dark Angel: Surprise, surprise.



Cookie Dough could tell that it was no longer just friendship when he served Celestia her lunch at the club and she wouldn’t eat a thing but just gaze at Celesto as he continued to work.



SC276: No, that just means he sucks at serving lunch so much she dared not eat it in case his poor serving poisoned it.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “Please explain to me again how you managed to set cereal on fire.”

Dark Angel: [Cookie Dough] “Oh…uh…it’s a new thing. Raisin Bran Flambé.”

Topher: I’ll take a double.



They went to college together at the same school, and everything just seemed to go up, and up for them, but one day Celesto had received word from U.S Air Force that his application had been accepted; his first step towards becoming a real astronaut, and he was transferring.



SC276: Um… Pretty sure NASA handles astronauts, not the Air Force.

Scarlet: Sshhhhhhhh. Mykan’s dreaming.



He and Celestia were forced to part, and they never even got to tell each other they loved one another.



SC276: How tragic, the author avatar isn’t getting what he wants immediately.

Scarlet: *bursts into tears*

Dark Angel: Well, I was almost right. I’m not seeing any Sapphira involvement…yet.



Cookie Dough, still employed at the Equestrian Club, heard the whole thing, and Celestia had changed. She was gloomy and miserable, but thought she was being brave by letting him go to achieve his dreams of being an astronaut.



SC276: Apparently she had discarded everything else she cared about in life when she fell in love with him, because author avatar.

Scarlet: That existential dread from before is coming back.



They still wrote to each other and talked over the internet, but still didn’t tell each other their true feelings, and worse, Celesto’s very busy schedule made it harder for him to send her letters or answer emails, and a few years later, his messages stopped complete.



SC276: He had succumbed to the Candle Jack me

Scarlet: Nooo! My friend has been captured by Candle- oh fuck no, I see you there in the ether you little shit, you are not going to kidnap me because I just said Candle Jack, and anot

Topher: Wow! Grandruler could take a few lessons from this guy!



He had achieved his dream and went into space for the first time.



Topher: And became the first man to spank the monkey on the moon!

Dark Angel: As well as the rest of the crew.



Celestia was very happy and proud for him, and even happier when years later he was selected to lead a mission to the moon, but she was still upset that he stopped messaging her,



SC276: *bursts back in, shoving off large amounts of rope* Lady, you hold a grudge longer than I do. And as much as I hate to defend the Stu, it’s unlikely it was a willing choice. There’s a lot of prep involved in going into space.

Scarlet: *reappears, tosses a still-beating heart* If anyone asks, organ donor.

Topher: You gonna eat that?



though it was understandable, especially how all the money he had made in his career, and he was also making vast amounts more in wise stock investments, and wise dealings in businesses,



SC276: The author fantasy runs deep in this one.



blossoming him into a millionaire hotshot.



SC276: Really, really deep.

Scarlet: The mobile fortress might not be able to take this much pointless schmaltz!



Celestia just couldn’t get him off her mind. She missed him so much, but felt they had been officially silenced.



Then, one day, things went horribly bad…!



SC276: We had sought to create the world’s worst fanfic… and we succeeded.

Scarlet: Humanity has fallen low.

Dark Angel: *ACHOO* (wipes nose) Is it dorbal to see blood whed you sdeeze?

Topher: Oh, that’s just the cocktail of chemicals I’ve been sticking you with in the hopes of either curing or killing you. Suck it up.



She was riding bud



SC276: That’s not the name of the horse, that’s a special riding maneuver involving benching your body into a ball on top of the saddle.



and practicing some big jumps with him in front a few spectators, when suddenly as they were preparing for a really big jump, Cookie was watching from the kitchen window,



SC276: Yes, have the window of a kitchen facing towards the sweaty animals.



when he saw something very tiny strike Bud, spooking him just as he was about to make the jump.



Scarlet: I’m sure that will not come back to affect the plot later in any way at all.

SC276: Oh my god, Sapphira killed the horse. I guarantee it. Mykan does not do subtle. Sapphira killed the horse, just to hurt Grandruler by proxy, which is to hurt the original Grand Ruler by proxy because villain logic. Just watch.

Dark Angel: So I was right all along after all! Damn, Mykan really is predictable.



He lost his balance and CRASH!!



Topher: I’m not saying that the use of onomatopoeia in this manner is infantile, but the last time I wrote in sound effects like that, I stuck the crayon up my nose when I was finished.



Celestia managed to get up, her arm was badly sprained, but poor Bud had fractured two of his legs in the accident and was in a lot of pain. There was just nothing that could be done for him, and he had to be put down.



Scarlet: SC, please stand by for attack sequence. I’m going to fire you at the fic and hope your rage reduces the schmaltz by a factor of at least one-half. Otherwise, none of us are making it out of this room alive.

SC276: Understood. *dresses up in Plague Knight’s armor* ...This was the only thing I could get on short notice. I’m hoping my rage can be substan… substi... backed up with alchemic napalm. And bombs shaped like fish.

Topher: How did you fit that giant robot in here?



Celestia was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. She loved that horse as much as she was in love with Celesto.



Scarlet: ...ew.

Dark Angel: …Oh god! Bad images! Bad images! *ACHOO*



So upset, that she quit riding or going anywhere near horses ever again.



SC276: Then why is she principal at a school where the mascot is the pony?



That’s when her mood swings started to take over.



SC276: Probably because the school mascot is constantly reminding you of your dead horse.



She would blow her top off even when she had no need to, or even when someone said a friendly “Hello” to her.



Scarlet: Grief, bipolar disorder. Same thing really!

SC276: As someone whose best friend is bipolar, I am disgusted and outraged.

Scarlet: Oh, you know it.

Dark Angel: And my sister is bipolar.



Luna decided the best thing for her sister was for them to move away from it all; start over someplace else and try to make new lives.



Scarlet: And yet you are both still characters in this story. Terrible plan, Luna!

SC276: This is terrible of me, but I guess their relationship was nipped in the Bud! *ba dum tish*



That was the last Cookie Dough ever saw of them, until some years later when he became a master chef and was employed by Celesto, now an ex-astronaut but a wealthy businessman and living on Mystic Island,



Scarlet: Which I can only assume is stock location #295 for filler episodes of ‘90s cartoons.

SC276: If the Logging Locos are spotted, everyone dies.



after the death of his parents and the start of his new life dedicated to helping poor people out.



Scarlet: I love how the bottom line here can be summed up as “imagine if Adrian Veidt from Watchmen’s backstory was actually shitty.”



As fate would have it, he met up with Celestia and Luna who were seeking jobs to become educators,



SC276: So apparently on the scale of careers, “horse riding” and “public education administration” are polar opposites.



but Celestia was still madder than ever, and Celesto didn’t like her attitude.



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Celesto! Where have you been all these years? You never tried to contact me, or offer any emotional support when I wrote letters to you!”

[Celesto] “I don’t like your tone, woman. Make me twelve sammiches!”

[Celestia] “...Alright seriously, go eat a dick.”



She wasn’t the woman he remembered who was kind and caring. Luna explained to him what had happened and he felt terrible for Celestia, and believing that was the cause of all this, and she was struggling to try and get better.



SC276: Also, you’re a dick who fell in love with someone and stopped contacting them, with no explanation while you went to the moon and got rich. Hell, you never even admitted it to her. This would be a good- OK, decent formula for a tragedy, but its focus is the author avatar.

Dark Angel: Not only that, but it’s Mykan’s avatar.



He let her and Luna have jobs out of pity at Canterlot High, a school he had recently had built and owned and ran as a member of the school district supervision.



Scarlet: This isn’t so much painful as it is an attempt to bore me to death. The mobile fortress was not made for this kind of conflict.

SC276: One, “school district supervision” is Buffy speak for “superintendent.” Two:

[school board member] “Sir, you can’t just hire two women as principal and vice principal of the new school with no other qualifications just because you feel sorry for them.”

[Grandruler] “I’m sorry, who owns the island again?”



Eventually the ladies became Principal and Vice Principal, but Celestia’s attitude only grew worse and worse as she struggled to cope with her life as it was.



SC276: Yes, give the woman struggling with grief the job of looking over a few hundred hormone-ridden teenagers. That won’t end badly. Also, that comment earlier about knowing more hardship than both of them combined - did your freakin’ pet you got as a gift from a loved one die too?



It also didn’t help that her anger issues irritated Celesto, the way she kept antagonizing students who did nothing wrong,



SC276: So far I’ve just seen her yell at Lightning, who is a rude, inconsiderate, and pretentious jerk that ran out in front of her car.



and he checked up on her constantly and gave her real pieces of his mind which continued to worsen both their attitudes towards one another.



Scarlet: This is my penance for suggesting Pen Stroke last week, isn’t it?

SC276: I’m going with yes.

Dark Angel: My story would’ve been half as long and at least twice as enjoyable.



In all his years of working for Celesto, and hearing stories from him, even seeing Celestia a few times when he catered for school events,



SC276: Why is he catering when he already has a cushy “chef of a rich guy” job?



Cookie could tell that deep down they were still very much in love, but obviously were in no mood to just admit it to one another and were more occupied being at each other’s throats all the time.



Scarlet: Cookie Dough is an idiot who gets all his ideas from terrible romantic comedies.

Dark Angel: Mykan writes romantic comedies?

SC276: Honestly, everything Mykan’s written is a tragedy.



Even still, he was rich and her boss, which wouldn’t look good in the eyes of business folk and even public, for a boss to date his employee,



SC276: Not without promoting her, at least.



and compared to Celesto and the things he had done over the years, Celestia saw herself as nothing more than a small potato, which only intensified her anger issues.



Scarlet: Eh, I dunno Celestia. Apparently tiny potatoes and odango have the greatest feels power on the internet.

SC276: Lady, by working directly with the kids, you literally deal with at least three times as much shit as he does daily.



The rest was history!



Scarlet: That exclamation point is a lie. Nothing exciting is happening. You may all return to your seats.

SC276: Yeah, history you won’t explain because you think readers are psychic.



Lightning felt very sorry for both Celestia and Grandruler.



SC276: We feel… I dunno, “bubbling hate-annoyance” seems about right.



Krysta felt the same, having been sitting on the windowsill and listening to everything through the open window.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “CRYING IS THE PROPER HUMAN RESPONSE, RIGHT?”

[Cookie] “...er… yeah.. .sure…”



She and Lightning had never heard of a love that seemed so insanely complicated and clouded by such nasty emotions and negativity,



SC276: Except in books Mykan is literally too emotionally immature to understand.

Topher: And in reality that Mykan is literally too emotionally immature to understand.



and all over things that happened years ago.



Scarlet: Krysta and Lightning were both stupid that way.



Still, Celestia had no right to just blow her top like that at everyone around her,



SC276: Pretty sure she’s only blown it at Lightning! Again!



and Grandruler really wasn’t making things any better always barking at her.



SC276: Admitting the author avatar is actually responsible for at least some of it is too little too late, author.



Lightning had a very sickening feeling that if things got any worse, there was going to be trouble, and lots of it.



Scarlet: ~Here in river city (RIGHT HERE)!~

SC276: ~With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for POOL!~

Topher: ~We’re saying you’ve got opportunity in this very community!~ Wait, wrong song. Sorry.

Scarlet: Eh, close enough.



Author’s Notes:



That’s my song in this chapter, and MY OWN WRITTEN FROM SCRATCH lyrics.



Scarlet: Oh. Goodie.

SC276: I actually glanced ahead because Ring mentioned confusion over it in Steam chat while setting this up, and as always, Mykan’s “written from scratch” is “song parody that he refuses to admit is a song parody from the work he’s ripping off or something even more juvenile.”

Topher: Can I please just set everything on fire and hope we can actually die this time?





ACT NINE



Scarlet: The Golden Witch Decides To Fuck Off

SC276: Even Beatrice is tired of this game.



Lightning wasn’t sure if he dared to tell any of his friends what he had learned, fearing Celestia would fly off the deep end for sure, but then again she was likely too anyway.



Scarlet: What unreasonable behavior! After all, he only went prying into the love life of his principal for weird reasons.

Dark Angel: Technically, he didn’t know they had a relationship beforehand. So he didn’t know what he was doing… That just about sums up his entire character.



The way he saw it, only if either she or Grandruler confessed their true feelings for one another would it help make things better, but it had to be one of them who did it.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Grandruler, you could solve this entire conflict by just saying you love her.”

[Grandruler] “Harrumph! Heavens no! She was moderately grumpy around young people!”

Topher: [Grandruler] “I love young people so much…”



Meanwhile, he still had lots to deal with himself! For his popularity had increased dramatically, ever since he joined the team and the acting party for the play,



SC276: Cast. It’s called a cast, author. Y’know, like how this fic casts out any semblance of quality.



everyone was starting to take a shine to his skills and talent.



Scarlet: Has Mykan accidentally thrown out his back attempting autofellatio yet?

SC276: I thought we were on day six. If Mykan starts fast-forwarding through days without giving any clear indication of how many days - that’s the important part - I will set off this alchemic bomb that came in this costume.

Dark Angel: As much as I’d like to see this fic end sooner, I would at least like to know what the time lapse is.



Lightning could hardly walk anywhere in school without a student saying hi to him or giving him a compliment. So many of the pretty and popular girls even shot a few winks at him and called him handsome.



Scarlet: One of the winks struck him in the chest, and he died instantly.



Lightning was flattered, but preferred to stay focussed on what was really important and he continued to attend practice and rehearsals.



Scarlet: “What was really important” here meaning anything but trying to get his hands on his rainbow rod, I suppose.

SC276: Goddammit, he is glossing over days! Though this thing’s only going off if I can’t tell how many are going over soon. Also, stop fo-cussing, Lightning, this is a… T fic or something, I dunno.



The basketball team was playing better than ever.



SC276: We have no rubric for how well they were playing before.

Dark Angel: ‘Better than ever’ probably still translates into the worst players in the district.



Especially thanks to Lightning. He wanted to win that trophy so badly he was practicing and training non-stop.



Scarlet: He’s destroyed the gymnasium three times over by now and is in debt for the remainder of his life.



It also helped him keep up his normal training for possible battles he expected would come, which was why he had Krysta keep an eye in the sky on the lookout for anything suspicious.



Scarlet: Crystal Dragon Sombra, save this story! You made the last one alright! Please?

SC276: I’m pretty sure if you start martial-arting the other players, that’s a foul.



Then there were the play rehearsals, they even took places a few hours over the weekends. Things were going smoother now that everyone learned their lines easier, and everyone else was doing their part to help prepare for the big show.



Scarlet: Professor Abra had conscripted the entire school into working on this performance, by gunpoint if necessary.



Rarity was helping make costumes and outfits for everyone, and the others continued to set up the stage and practiced their music.



Scarlet: *cracks neck* Bring it.

SC276: Oh boy, I smell a montage.



https://youtu.be/PszOq_oCIQI



Scarlet: ...Not the best song I’ve heard, but not terrible. Alright, Mykan. Let’s see how you fuck this up.

SC276: If all his best friends are metalheads, doesn’t that mean they’re all robots?



All the time that went by, a song played, and they all seemed to sing and dance to it, starting out by tapping their shoes and clapping their hands.



Scarlet: ...How do you add non-diegetic music to a fucking fanfic?

SC276: Mykan thinks he’s on TV, remember? The “summary” writing style is meant to be like he’s writing a summary for a TV show episode. Except he includes too much actual dialogue to be a proper summary. And it reminds me of when I did similarly for Kirby anime episodes. When I was twelve. He is literally saying there’s a montage going on. Augh...



Working so much harder that days are getting rough

But we’ve got to keep on practicing to make the team tough

And the play’s around the corner and will start before we know

So we’ll keep up our rehearsals and we’ll watch our dances go.



Scarlet: ….That is not how you do good fanmade music. Let me show you some kickass fanmade music.

Topher: (Sporting a massive pair of earmuffs) WHAT?



Lightning and Rhymey tap-danced along the floor, and exchanged turns showing off different moves. Starla showed off her own dancing skills; twirling and doing splits.



Scarlet: Um. Mykan. Mykan? Buddy? It’s a fanfic! We can’t hear the music! We can’t see them dancing! This doesn’t work!

Topher: (Still sporting the earmuffs) What’s that? You want me to twerk?



Twilight was getting good at the dancing too, and together all of them went around the school singing and dancing to the grooving pop song.



Scarlet: Oh Jesus, it’s not over? Well, there’s only one way to fight it. Drown it in random theme song lyric quotes!

SC276: I’ll let you handle that; if I go along, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop singing. Also, I’m not sure I can stop trying to mentally cast these lyrics to “Magic of Friendship.” Y’know, the song that would play at this proportional location in Equestria Girls.



-We got the moves, let’s get in the grooves

With our confidence, we know we’ll make the sight



Scarlet: ~I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was!~



We gotta keep it up until we get it right.

With Lightning here, we have no fear.



Scarlet: ~Chaaaa-la! Head Cha-la!~

Dark Angel: *ACHOO* (groans) By allergies have dever gotted this bad be-*ACHOO* I thigk I sdeezed out a chugk of by braid.



And our teams will shine in the light

We gotta keep it up until we get it right



Scarlet: ~Kickin’ round with my crew in the school yard! Findin’ trouble, never lookin’ too hard!~



-Every student here at Canterlot High,

Has got a spark of hope in their eye



Scarlet: ~Cuz everybody wants to be a master! Everybody wants to show their skill!~



They’re counting on us, and especially on you

So don’t let em down, all their faith’s upon you.



Scarlet: ~And if we’re all for one world there’s a world for us all!~



-Lightning, is helping us in every way

For the high school team and for the play



Scarlet: ~Hey come on, let go of the remote! Don’t you know, you’re letting all the junk flood in!~

Dark Angel: *ACHOO* *ACHOO* *ACHOO* Does adybody kdow what this silvery liquid I sdeezed out is?



And every student wants to say

“You rock and you’re cool and you’re gonna take us to the top!

Don’t stop, don’t flop,

Take us to the top”



Scarlet: ~She is the one called Sailor Moon. She is the one… Sailor Moon!~ *collapses* Did… did it work?

SC276: *applauds* I didn’t recognize that second and second-to-last one, but I always approve of English Digimon Frontier theme song. *tosses confetti in the air*

Dark Angel: If that sog lasted ady logger, by allergies probably would’ve killed be. I dod’t kdow if I should be grateful or dot. (sniffs)



In a montage of flicks, Lightning continued to practice for the basketball game, and rehearse the play with his new friends; dancing with them through the school and across town and many other students including the many groups of Canterlot High joined them all.



Scarlet: Truant officers were dispatched to recapture the errant class. They perished heroically in a massive dance-off to the death.

SC276: What is this, West Side Story?



Lightning was felt he was fitting in great and really becoming a part of the human world.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Of course! A musical montage! Earth-human filmography perfectly prepared me for this!”



-Let’s kick it up, and we’ll pick it up

Keep on going ‘till we win that trophy cup



Scarlet: Oh Jesus, it’s still going. Mykan, what the fuck is wrong with you?

SC276: Where to start?

RingmasterJ5: Also, what the fuck did that Less than Jake song have to do with any of this?

SC276: I think that might be the most “mature” song Mykan’s ever ripped off. By which I mean, it’s not from Barney or Strawberry Shortcake. Judging from the comments, it apparently played for a Digimon thing? ...Yeah, according to Wikipedia, it played in Digimon: The Movie, a.k.a. the most bowdlerized Digimon localization ever. Still need to find and see the original Japanese films. “The Dakari King” strikes again...



We gotta keep it up until we get it right.

Times are getting’ rough, so we’ll become tough



Scarlet: It’s like being trapped in my own musical purgatory. Only the last time that happened to me it sounded better.

Dark Angel: Is it- *ACHOO* Is it dorbal for by ears to be bleedig?

Topher: No. It’s not. And I didn’t even need to wear my lab coat for that!



Time to show the world enough is just enough

We gotta keep it up until we get it right.



Scarlet: ...Based on this song’s rhyme scheme, it just rhymed “right” with “right.” I don’t what no argh.

SC276: ~I’m a mothereffing Birdo, look at my face / I spit eggs, mothereff, straight into your face / I’m so hardcore, I rhyme face with face / I rhyme face four times, now get outta my face~



-Every student here at Canterlot High,

Has got a spark of hope in their eye



Scarlet: I see you there! Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Dark Angel: Yeah, what Scarlet said. *ACHOO* Shut the fuck up, Rhybey!



They’re counting on us, and especially on you

So don’t let em down, all their faith’s upon you.



Scarlet: Never mind, they’re worse without you! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but talk all you want, Rhymey!

Dark Angel: Wait udtil the ed of this sog. Thed *ACHOO* Thed shut the fuck up, Rhybey!



-Lightning, is helping us in every way

For the high school team and for the play

And every student wants to say

“You rock and you’re cool and you’re gonna take us to the top!



Scarlet: Can I have Equestria Girls back? At least “Cafeteria Song” had an actual rhyme scheme. And meter. And didn’t make me want to kill myself.

SC276: It can’t be that much longer, right…?!

Dark Angel: Why ab I dot dead yet?



Lightning, is helping us in every way

For the high school team and for the play

And every student wants to say

“You rock and you’re cool and you’re gonna take us to the top!

Don’t stop, don’t flop,

Take us to the top!”



Scarlet: I was way too hard on Rainbow Rocks. The Rainbooms’s songs were beautiful. They were masterpieces.

SC276: ~Get up, get down, everybody come around / We can work together, helping Twilight win the crown~

Topher: Everything is pain.



Sunset Shimmer, now ever so jealous and aggravated by all the attention Lightning was getting, while others were starting to neglect and not fear of her anymore.



Scarlet: I am now pissed off that something is ignoring the continuity established by the original Equestria Girls. What the fuck.

SC276: [Sunset] “No, he’s not supposed to get popular by himself! Augh!”



She was now more than determined to ruin him, as well as Twilight and all her friends.



SC276: Because reasons at this point.



She had managed to rope two of the school’s not particularly bright boys, Snails and Snips to work for her



SC276: They weren’t already? Then who were those two throwing water balloons on Lightning’s first day?



and help he get much needed dirt to help spread on everyone.



Scarlet: [Snips] “Hey, do you think she may have meant that metaphorically?”

[Snails] “Nah. Let’s keep digging!”

Topher: [Grandruler] “Wow! normally I have to throw them in the pit myself, but they went ahead and dug their own! Hang on boys, let me get some lube and we’ll get started.”



While all the time, Lightning and all the other students were completely unaware as they continued to sing and dance, right out the front doors and into the school yards.



Scarlet: How the hell. Is. This. Still. Going.

SC276: Don’t worry, I’ve got enough explosives on me to vaporize this entire room if this thing gets another freakin’ narrative break.



-Every student here at Canterlot High,

Has got a spark of hope in their eye

They’re counting on us, and especially on you

So don’t let em down, all their faith’s upon you.



Scarlet: Is it too much to ask for the Dazzlings to just appear out of nowhere and sound-nuke the story?

SC276: Or Dude ‘n’ Tude from Sonic Boom.



-Lightning, is helping us in every way

For the high school team and for the play

And every student wants to say

“You rock and you’re cool and you’re gonna take us to the top!



Scarlet: In about five seconds, I’m going to kill something.



Lightning, is



Scarlet: Too late. *breaks Topher’s neck*

Topher: If my head were still on straight enough for me to be able to aim, you would be in for it.



helping us in every way

For the high school team and for the play



Scarlet: There’s only one way to stop this. Mobile Fortress Scarlet! Finishing Attack!

SC276: Alchemical gunpowder cannon ready!

Topher: Wait! I’m not wearing safety gear! (Inserts a single earplug into his nose) Ok, go for it!



And every student wants to say

“You rock and you’re cool and you’re gonna take us to the top!

Don’t stop, don’t flop,

Take us to the top!”



Scarlet: Charging complete! This riff of mine burns with an incredible boredom! Its loud yawn tells me to defeat you!



We’ll follow you to the top!



Scarlet: Erupting...



Gonna shine we we’re on top!



Scarlet: Burning….



Just take us to the top!



Scarlet: Reference, FINGEERRRRRRRR! *explosion*

SC276: *cough* Thank Mew I’m wearing a mask, because that is a lot of smoke.

Topher: When you’ve set as many things and/or people on fire as I have, you get used to it.



Two and a half weeks later, quite a lot had happened, and preparations were nearing completion.



Scarlet: Leave the musical number, take everything else that might be of note. Seems legit.

SC276: OK, we started that montage on day 5, so we add 14 days, plus… eh, let’s be generous and go with 3 days, that’s 17 days, plus 5 is… day 22.

Dark Angel: At least we’re that much closer to the end. Why do I suddenly have the feeling of dread that I just jinxed it?

Topher: If you did, I don’t have the vocabulary to type what I’m going to do to you. However, I can at least include a few words, such as “rusty cactus”, “acid-soaked blanket”, and “cabbage launcher.”



On Friday, the play was scheduled to premiere the next week at night, and then the big game, which meant that at present, Lightning had only nine days left to complete his mission. The transport jewel had faded immensely and its light was dimmer than ever.



Scarlet: Well, maybe if you hadn’t spent so much of this chapter on that god-awful attempt at a musical number, you wouldn’t be so short on time!

SC276: 22 plus 9 is… 31. Honestly, a lot closer than I thought it would be. Mykan probably meant slightly less than half a week on that, so we’ll just go back a day and wind up on day 21. ...Also, duh the light’s dimmer than ever, it’s done nothing but dim.

Topher: Has he tried changing the batteries? There’s a little hatch on the back.



Lightning was growing concerned about his time remaining, but even more concerned about Flash and Sapphira. Krysta had kept a good eye on them both, yet neither of them had made any suspicious moves,



SC276: [Krysta] “And Crystal High hasn’t banned pets for a hundred feet yet, so I was able to get really close.”

Topher: DO I really need to repeat myself again? Just start punching through walls, Level the town if you have to! A UNIVERSE IS AT STAKE!

Dark Angel: Yes, save a universe by risking another. And that’s not even sarcasm. If this universe gets destroyed, the fic will end that much sooner.



which lead Lightning to suspect whatever it was they were planning, it would most likely be sprung during the big the game next week.



SC276: Oy, the big and the game...

Scarlet: [Flash] “And the plan is?”

[Sapphira] “We’re going to let him know that we know he’s here, and then threaten him!”

[Flash] “*sigh*... yeah, saw that coming.”



Even still, there was one other thing on his mind as he went to school on Monday.



SC276: The main thing on my mind is- OK, that’s more how much I’d rather be playing Shovel Knight right now. The main thing concerning this fic is when EqG’s gonna happen. It’s being set up, with Sunset bringing in Snips and Snails. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sunset’s been breaking up the humane six over the past few days and doing… something about Twilight. Well it’s got to happen soon so Fluttershy can be in the play. I know the bomb’s coming, just not how long the fuse is...



He just stood where he was gazing at the school and the students walking in or just hanging around. A small sad and bitter smile appeared on his face. Krysta landed on the fence near him. “What’s the matter, Lightning?”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I have just ingested earth bird-droppings.”



“Krysta can’t you see how well I’m fitting in here?”



Scarlet: Or why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?



“Well, yeah, you’ve gotten along quite well. Look at all the friends you made, and you sure didn’t waste time becoming Mr. Popularity.”



Scarlet: Why, it’s almost as if the story contrived to place him in that position!



“Krysta, that’s just it. The longer I stay here and the more I fit in…” he sighed softly “… It’s only going to make it that much harder for me to leave.”



Scarlet: Don’t worry. With any luck the Dark Hour will come soon and you’ll get devoured by the Shadows anyway.

SC276: Then why did you join the play in the first place?! Why do all those things to increase your visibility?! Including being a superhuman?!

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “Krysta, if I go crazy, then will you still call me superman?”

SC276: I approve that reference. We’re best friends now.



Krysta hadn’t thought of that, and almost immediately understood how Lightning felt.



As the two continued to chat, Starla came from around the corner and saw Lightning talking to that exact same bird again.



Scarlet: [Starla] “What’s between him and that bird? Does he think the bird is prettier than me?” *anxiously sharpens her knife*



She had lost track of how many times she and the others had seen him conversing with that bird that seemed to always be following him around like a real pet before and after school.



Scarlet: She never heard the bird speak back, of course, because a dingo ate the Pope’s uncle.

SC276: It’s been two weeks! How the fuck can the author expect us to think they both haven’t noticed and are reasonably intelligent?!



The others came along and noticed. “She’s staring at him again.” said Dyno. “She’s defiantly got the hots for him.” added Myte.



Scarlet: [Dyno] “Bro, we did it! Twice in a row! No Latino-isms!”

[Myte] “*begins softly crying*”

Topher: [Dyno] “*puts on sombrero* This calls for a fiesta!”

[Myte] “NOOOOOOOO!”



They crossed over to Starla and Buddy tapped her shoulder. She jumped and yelped in shock, making the others do the same. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!”



Scarlet: [Starla] “I wasn’t contemplating avianicide!”



“Or what, you won’t get to stare at Lightning like you want to?” Artie teased.



Starla felt her cheeks go red. “I wasn’t staring at Lightning. Who said I was staring at Lightning or even if I wanted to ask him to the Fall Formal?”



Scarlet: Oops, I’ve been using the wrong -dere this whole time.

SC276: OK, so the Fall Formal’s now suddenly a thing. The Demon’s Sunset clock is ticking… *indicates the large Demon!Sunset clock with an ominous digital countdown* Anyone scoffs it and I’m turning you into ingredients.



The boys all gazed at her with strange looked,



SC276: You do have strange looked with your conjugations all tied up like that.



and Starla finally realized what she just said out loud, and she couldn’t bail on it now. “Okay, I really like Lightning. I don’t know, it’s just happening, okay?”



Scarlet: No, oh my god, it was so hard to tell, I can’t believe it, egads.



“Girl, take it easy.” said Buddy.



SC276: [Buddy] “We knew two weeks ago. We were taking bets on how long it would be before you admitted it. Speaking of which, Artie?”

[Artie] *grumbles as he passes Buddy ten bucks*



Starla apologized, and just wished she could bring herself to ask Lightning out to the formal, which she had been trying to the past two weeks, but every time she did she got interrupted,



SC276: [Starla] “Stupid musical number!”



or just chickened out, not to mention he always seemed to be hanging around that exact same robin every chance.



Scarlet: It’s… it’s a fucking bird. You can talk to the guy. It’s a bird. It’s… *screams into pillow*



The boys could see she wasn’t kidding. Lightning kept hanging around that bird and talking to it more frantically than ever lately, and the way he kept talking to it as if he were passing on or getting secret information.



Scarlet: I’m crying. I am physically crying. This conflict is too stupid to exist.

SC276: Didn’t the humane five learn that Spike could talk, like, a third of the way into the movie or so? Why the fuck do they not know?!



They felt that maybe today they wouldn’t put it off any longer and ask him what was with that bird, and maybe Starla would get a chance to ask Lightning to the Fall Formal, but it would have to wait as the bell rang.



Scarlet: Thank god. The bell is trying to get this chapter to finish faster.



From that moment on, the day began to spin downward into disaster. First, Lightning stepped into the school and noticed Twilight walk right past Rarity; both of them not even looking at each other, just passing each other by as if they didn’t care to see one another. Applejack and Pinkie Pie acted the same way. Lightning just couldn’t understand it, but Sunset, who was hiding nearby did…



Scarlet: Oh look, there goes the plot of Equestria Girls and- wait a minute, no, it isn’t. That would require real-world Twilight not being here.

SC276: Also, Lightning has no reason to give a fuck about anything those six do. Why would he even notice?



During the past weeks, she had sent emails to the girls to mess up plans that they had, and made things so rough that the girls no longer trusted one another. She snickered softly with glee. “Phase one is complete. The girls no longer trust one another. Good work, boys.”



Scarlet: It’s…. it’s funny because this is actually a thing she does in canon. And it is somehow even dumber here. Good job, Mykan.



Snails and Snip smiled shyly.



“What are you smiling at?” growled Sunset.



SC276: [Sunset] “I’m the only one allowed to be happy, and you know it, clap your hands! Wait, where’d that last bit come from?”



“Nothing!” whimpered the boys.



Scarlet: Good call, Sunset. Nobody should be smiling anymore. This fic has destroyed some of the joy in the universe.



Sunset sighed and couldn’t understand why she ever hired them both,



SC276: They just smiled at you, for fuck’s sake. Cooties transmit by touch, lady!



but asked them if they had done all the other stuff she told them to do, which they stumbled and stammered with their words trying to remember, but they did. “Good.” hissed Sunset “Phase two of project-payback is about to begin.”



Scarlet: Let’s hope it involves sharp objects and pain.



Rhymey was walking along the hallways to his locker, when he noticed Fluttershy was sitting all alone in a corner and in tears. It broke Rhymey’s heart to see her like that and being all alone, that he actually walked right up to her.



“Um… Hi

…Fluttershy.”



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: Oh god. They’re going to breed. Sunset, please tell me your revenge stops Rhymey from breeding!

Dark Angel: Seriously? That’s not a bad rhyme, that’s just a pathetic rhyme. At least put some effort into making it look like you knew what you were doing.

Topher: NEUTER HIM WITH HIS OWN HEDGE CLIPPERS! IT’S THE ONLY WAY HE’LL LEARN!



She looked up at him. “Rhymey?” she felt very nervous with him around but was too sad to run or duck out of the way.



“What’s going on?

Tell me what is wrong.”



Scarlet: Well, Rhymey, you’re speaking. That covers a good chunk of it right there.

SC276: I said, shut the fuck up!



Fluttershy explained that she got into a big fight with the girls, and it looked as if their big friendship gang was over with. Rhymey felt ever so horrible for her, and Fluttershy, still not caring about her shyness, rested her head on his shoulder and cried.



Scarlet: The sound of ultimate suffering! My heart made it on the day I read these lines. The man in black makes it now!

SC276: Oh my god… *bangs his head against the wall*



At first, Rhymey felt his insides going crazy with nerves of shyness, but he surrendered and actually held her close letting her cry. He honestly didn’t know what to say or do.



Scarlet: ...huh. He actually shut the fuck up.



Lightning could see them from down the hall,



SC276: y u creepin



and while he felt glad it looked as if those two were overcoming their nerves, it pained and confused him to see more unhappy faces.



SC276: I don’t care if Sunset’s getting into her proper villain role finally, I’m still rooting for her. BRING THE NIGHT!

Dark Angel: If unhappy faces cause him pain, let’s show him images of everyone who read this fic. Cause him more pain!



Rainbow Dash passed by him, and she looked just as mad and stubborn as most of the girls. “Hey, Rainbow, what’s going on with you and the girls?” he asked, but Rainbow brushed him off “Girls? What girls? I don’t know any girls.” and then she walked off in a huff.



Scarlet: She’s just getting defensive because someone saw her at a gay bar again. I mean she only goes for the atmosphere, but still.



Lightning scratched his hair. “What’s going on here?”



SC276: [Lightning] “The better question is, ‘why do I care?’ but I’m going to go with that first one anyway.”



Then things went from bad to worse, as Buddy ran up to Lightning and told him to quickly come to the atrium,



SC276: Auditorium. Mykan is thinking of an auditorium every time he says “atrium.” Just… Did he even go to high school?!



and when Lightning got there, a terrible sight be his eyes.



SC276: Yeah, they ain’t exactly pretty to look at. Not a sight for sore eyes, one might say.



The stage, the scenes, the props, all ruined and messed up. Artie was flat on the floor having arrived earlier and fainted at the sight of his beautiful work.



Scarlet: Oh no! It’s the plot of Equestria Girls!

SC276: Yeah, except it’s a play, so they honestly could just rebuild everything in, like, three days.

Dark Angel: Artie fainted? Seriously?

Topher: Oh. man! If I know anything about drama clubs, (and I do,) Sunset is going to be FUCKING LYNCHED for this. Seriously, this is a fictional, terrible play in a fictional, terrible story and I’m still pissed off! You do not fuck with another man’s set!



“Who did this?” snapped Lightning.



“We don’t know…” answered Buddy “But one thing’s for sure, Celestia’s not going to like this.”



SC276: No shit, Sherlock!

Scarlet: [Lightning] “What about Professor Abra?”

[Buddy] “He’s been sedated for his own good.”



Talking of Celestia, she announced over the school intercom “Attention! Attention! Ms. Starla Shine please report to the main office immediately!” she sounded really raving mad.



SC276: Oh here we go. Flash bailed Twilight out on this in the movie, so… oh no, Lightning’s going to find the exonerating evidence, isn’t he.



Lightning didn’t like the sound of her voice, and he ran off. “Lightning!” cried Buddy.



Scarlet: Dr. Scott? Rocky!

Topher: DONKEY! Did I do i right?



Lightning arrived just in time to see Starla run out from the office and down the hall in tears. Luna was just outside the door, and when Lightning asked her what was going on he was livid to hear that Celestia had personally cut Starla from the play.



Scarlet: Normally I’d complain about Mykan erasing dialogue again, but at this point I just want everything to be over that much faster.

SC276: Huh. I thought for sure Sunset’s sabotage would’ve misfired and taken out Twilight, but I guess not...



He clenched his fists in anger feeling that angry woman had finally gone too far. He shoved his way past Luna, barged into the office, literally kicking Celestia’s door open, just as she was about to sip her cup of hot coffee. “Principal Celestia, I demand an explanation!”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Shit, wait, I’m not Grandruler am I? Sorry, forgot which author avatar I am!”



Celestia placed her mug down and glared angrily at him. “What is the meaning of this, Mr. Dawn? …Barging in here and barking out orders.”



Scarlet: Please tell me she hurls the coffee at him like she’s Godot.

SC276: [Celestia] “Especially before I’ve gotten a drop of this in my system!”



“Silence!” shouted Lightning “I want answers from you and I want ‘em now! Why did you have Starla cut from the play?”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Did you see her during that elaborate dance number earlier? She missed her cue three times!”



Celestia was outraged by the way he was speaking to her, but merely slid a file towards him which contained photographs taken showing Starla as the culprit responsible for trashing the set. “If you expect me to allow someone who has done this to be in our school play, you are sorely mistaken.”



Scarlet: ...So… okay, in Equestria Girls, this pointless cul-de-sac involved Twilight getting bailed out by Flash Sentry. Only there, the framing had set-up- Snips and Snails snapped photos of Twilight so that Sunset could doctor them later. How’d she manufacture these photos, pulling them out of her ass?



“I don’t believe this one bit.” said Lightning “Starla would never do something like this.”



SC276: [Lightning] “I mean, that would require having a personality.”



Celestia had been told the same thing by Starla, and since Starla was not able to prove otherwise, Celestia cut her off. “My decision is final. Now, get out of my office.”



Scarlet: Celestia, fuck yeah! Best character in the story!



Lightning stiffened his body and gazed at her furiously. “No, I won’t!”



Scarlet: Our hero- the average seven year old.

SC276: Luna should’ve called security by now. Or yanked him out of the room, given he’s barging in like he owns the place.



Celestia’s features hardened into deep fury. “What did you say?”



“I said… No… I… won’t! I’ve kept this quiet for some time, but you’ve asked for it. You are nothing but an overbearing, bad-tempered, cold-hearted whiny little misfit of a hag!”



Scarlet: Sick. Playground. Burns! That was almost a third-grade level putdown!

SC276: [Lightning] “...Shouldn’t Grandruler have come in with his plot convenience by now to make sure I get my way?”

Topher: He was too busy cutting an important business deal at the local daycare.



He was shouting so loud, that practically everyone could hear what he had said echoing through the school; everyone gasped and peered round the corner. Some even swallowed flies, literally, but were freaked out to even care.



Scarlet: Well that last sentence is certainly… certainly a thing. That was described. Mykan, are you okay? Are you taking your meds?



Celestia had never felt so angrily heart-struck in her life. She felt her whole body shaking with such fury, all she needed was one more little push.



SC276: Is she still holding that coffee? I don’t think the carpet would like those stains.



“You know what… maybe it’s a good thing Bud is dead!” growled Lightning,



SC276: Oh my god, who even says shit like that?!

Topher: DUDE! I’m a complete sociopath who tortures the people around me for shits and giggles, and even I think that that is NOT OK! YOU DO NOT ACT THAT SENSELESSLY CRUEL TO SOMEONE WHO’S JUST DOING THEIR JOB!



“I’m not so sure he would want angry wretch like you riding on his back, and how Grandruler ever fell for a demon like you is beyond me!”



Scarlet: Lightning Dawn- the world’s greatest scumbag. Tune in for next chapter when he insults orphans and literally kicks a puppy. Again!

SC276: This just reaffirms everything: why is this guy the “hero?!” Hissy fits, strongarming like he owns the place, sensitive things he shouldn’t know and knowingly triggering her… Literally the only reason anything goes his way is because Grandruler is screwing the rules to make sure the plot keeps going. I… I’m actually appalled at how utterly terrible a person Lightning is in this fic! I want Sunset to win! I want Sapphira to win! Literally nothing they can do when they’re in charge of the world could possibly be worse than anything he can do!



Celestia SCREECHED like an angry banshee and swiftly leapt over her desk, tackling Lightning to the ground and began to angrily punch his face.



SC276: Get him, Celestia! Slug ‘im! Smack ‘im! Some other S word that means clean his smugass clock!

Dark Angel: Holy fuck! Something interesting is happening!

Topher: Kill! Kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill! kill!



He didn’t feel anything from her punches of course,



SC276: Fuck you!



and he grabbed hold of her arm and flipped her off of him.



Scarlet: If he turns her into an egg and crushes her before becoming the new arc villain, I’ll reconsider my stance on how much I hate the DBZ-ripoffs in this story.



“Sister, Stop!” cried Luna as she barged in trying to break the two of them up, but Celestia was so outraged, she punched her own sister in the face sending her colliding head first into the counter outside, knocking her out cold, and she continued to attack at Lightning.



Scarlet: ….You know, in Equestria Girls she sees some evidence exonerating Twilight and just shrugs and goes “yeah that makes sense”.



Many students saw it, and while some actually found it cool, the rest were horrified and ran off to call the police.



Scarlet: I can only presume that Grandruler is filming the whole thing with his camera phone so he can watch it over and over again later while stroking his ego.

Topher: Among other things.



Lightning didn’t dare attack Celestia, knowing with his superior strength he would really hurt her more than she deserved to be, but he did shove her off him, and sent her crashing into a shelf with her old riding trophies on it, and they all fell on her,



SC276: OK, that should knock her out. Anything further is just proving that Mykan is trying to reaffirm that he actually hates this show and does not have a crush on Celestia. Speaking of which, back in the framing story, Celestia has run to the bathroom to throw up.



a couple were even broken, and one of them was the very first trophy she and Bud had ever won, really enraging her, so much that she lunged at Lightning, tackling him to the ground with her hands on his neck attempting to choke him to death.



Scarlet: Jesus, man, take a breath! That run-on is insane!

SC276: Also, that’s not any more enraged than she was when she leapt over her desk to do the exact same thing.



He just had to get her off of him somehow, and with his one free hand he felt up on top of the desk. He felt sharp pencils, a pair of scissors, a letter opener knife,



SC276: She’s going for the kill and we’ve already established that you’re a terrible soldier! There’s no way in fuck you wouldn’t use one of those!



and finally the hot cup of coffee. He grabbed it and then swiftly bashed at Celestia’s face hard, shattering the cup and scalding her with the hot coffee and knocking her off of him.



Scarlet: ...Wait, no, what I said before was I wanted Celestia to-



She SCREAMED in extreme agony as she lay flat on the floor rubbing her face. “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!



Scarlet: Mykan, you bastard! You had one chance, and you fucked it up!

SC276: [Celestia] “I’m melting! I’m melting! Oh, what a world, what a world…!”

Dark Angel: Come on, Celestia! Get back up! Kill him! End everybody’s suffering!



Now feeling outraged and very ashamed of himself deep down for what he had just done,



SC276: [Lightning] “Fuck, where did she drop that ending quotation mark…?!”



Lightning angrily ran out of the school “Lightning…!” Starla called out to him, but he had already dashed far away into town.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I’m an alicorn! Unlike humans, beings of my species can run from our problems!”



Flash saw him run off and thought “Amazing! I never knew he could ever be so enraged. Still, this could prove most beneficial.”



Scarlet: [Flash] “...y’know. If Mom would ever let us just do that dream sequence thing in Act Seven for real.”

Dark Angel: Seriously, I think Flash was just turned on there. And I think I have a new happy place. And unlike killing Rhymey, this actually happened. So Topher can’t take that away from me.

Topher: I’ll find a way.



…



SC276: The worst part, the worst part. Just… Just watch. He’s not going to get punished for any of this. Not for hurting the principal, not for barging into her office and probably doing property damage to that door, not for triggering her single-issue psychology… She’s going to lose her job and go to jail, which by the way would make Equestria Girls impossible and thus destroy the very premise of the fic, and he’s going to get to go on his merry way, and we all know the one person that would ensure that happens. I’m… AUGH! *throws a bunch of alchemical bombs at the wall* Fuck this unnecessary plot element!

Topher: Yes, that’s right… give in… let rage flow through you, feel its energy, its madness, its POWER!



Celestia’s face was a little red from the scalding, but she was lucky she was burned severely.



SC276: How the fuck was that lucky?!



That was the least of her problems…!



Scarlet: This exclamation point, unfortunately, is not lying.



The police did come, and in less than an hour the breaking news spread all over the island of Celestia mercilessly attacking a student.



Scarlet: And yet the news about a coffee-wielding juvenile delinquent was suppressed.

SC276: Fucking media in the pockets of the bigwigs...



Luna was very upset with her sister for the first time since… ever. She had a big bandage on her forehead where she hit the counter, and was holding and icepack to her face where Celestia punched her, and when Grandruler came, he was defiantly not pleased.



Scarlet: And I am defiantly still riffing this shit.

Topher: Of course Grandruler came when he heard the news that a child was assaulted in his school. He’s WAY into that.



“You’ve really done it this time, Celestia! Disregarding conduct, abusive irrational behaviour, assaulting a student and Vice Principal, and what angers me is what started all this.” He had been made aware of the situation regarding the play, but he too was in favor of Starla being innocent despite the pictures.



Scarlet: [Grandruler] “Fuck evidence, probable cause, and the judiciary system in general! My word is law, and my will is justice!”

SC276: Why isn’t this guy already mayor again?!



“Celesto, Lightning Dawn completely disregarded conduct himself.” growled Celestia “Barging in here, yelling in my face, not to mention the use of highly offensive words to insult me.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “Also I have motherfucking third degree burns on my face. I’m pretty sure that’s a little past the reasonable self-defense argument.”

[Grandruler] “Shows what you know! This island is technically a subsidiary of Florida!”



“Silence!” snarled Grandruler, pounding his cane on her desk. “I’ll deal with what Lightning did, but what you did is worse, and I am not going to put with this any longer, Celestia. You’re fired!”



Scarlet: Took this long to get him to a stage where we could make a Donald Trump reference.

SC276: Right, you didn’t read part 1...



Celestia felt her heart skip several beats, but the words were spoken.



SC276: Honestly, it’s for the best. Every single one of her anger bursts was triggered by Lightning’s actions, so getting away from the school - and him - is the best thing for her. ...I’m willing to grant amnesty. Someone prep the guest room.

Dark Angel: Will we be allowed to sic her on Lightning again?



“I suggest you clean out your desk and leave here within one hour.” said Grandruler as he left.



SC276: Why hasn’t she been detained for assault of a minor yet? The police couldn’t find bruises on Lightning because he’s freakin’ Vegeta or something?



Luna followed him out, but turned to gaze shamefully at her sister. “Monster!” was all she could say.



Scarlet: [Luna] “By which I mean Grandruler, not you. You okay, Celestia?”

[Celestia] “Fuck yeah, an excuse to leave this fic! Tell my stunt double she can have the rest of my lines! Wooooooo!”

Dark Angel: Now that she’s out of this fic, I’m sure she’s gonna be a lot less cranky now.



ACT TEN





Things were really not going swell now that Celestia had been fired.



Scarlet: It turns out that she was the only administrator they had who could actually do their job.

Dark Angel: And who uses the word ‘swell’ as part of the narrative?



Luna was immediately promoted to Principal of Canterlot High. Though she didn’t exactly seem too enthusiastic about it, and while still angry at Celestia, she was worried about her as well and even regretted calling her a monster,



Scarlet: There are many other things in this story which deserve your regret more. Not killing Grandruler in his sleep, for instance.

SC276: I’m this close to breaking into the fic and lacing the manor with explosives. Actually, the entire island; it’d be a mercy for all those not directly responsible.

Dark Angel: That would save us from this fic. But it would also be a mercy killing for everyone in the fic. Everyone wins!

Topher: I’m still working on a way to break the fourth wall from the outside, but I’m getting close. I just need to find a way to throw a grenade at a right angle to reality.

SC276: Try to see if you can find reality’s normal vector. That should help.



but someone had to look after things. She canceled school for the rest of the day in light of all that had happened, but not before she called an emergency assembly and publicly announced to her students…



Scarlet: That an ellipsis was inbound, and they should all take cover in their homes.



The first order of business was Lightning Dawn was suspended from school until it would be decided what to really do with him.



Scarlet: Consequences! Fuck yeah! I had forgotten those existed!

Dark Angel: ‘Forgetting’ they existed would imply they even existed in the first place.



True, he didn’t throw the first punch in the big fight and was only acting in self-defence,



SC276: Bringing up the dead pet counts as the first punch, sister!



but he still did wrong in acting the way he had too, and due to his suspension, the defacing of the sets and props, and with both Lightning and Starla cut off; the play had to be postponed for at least a month until all the damages could be repaired and a new casting of actors.



Scarlet: ...Wait a minute. Could it be?

SC276: Wait… what?

Dark Angel: So this means we will simply bypass the entire play?! (shoots off party cannon) And remind me to return that to Pinkie Pie when I get the chance.

Topher: THANK GOD! We just dodged the biggest insult to theatre since Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark!



The worst part was the grand game; it wasn’t canceled, but Lightning was not permitted to join while he was on suspension.



Scarlet: Yes! Yes, it is! Celestia died for our sins! She took the fall so that we could benefit by seeing Lightning’s salty tears! Celestia Rex! Vivat Celestia Rex!

SC276: Holy fucking shit. I… I can’t fucking believe it. Mykan actually surprised me. I could not, for the life of me, see him cancelling the play. I mean, it’s probably because he didn’t want to actually type out the characters performing it, but… fuck, I thought he’d use it to further stroke his own ego regardless. *looks at his clipboard with the casting predictions for a moment, then lackadaisically tosses it away* Holy shit. I… I need to lie down for a bit...



The students felt ever so disappointed. They had all been looking forward to the play. Professor Abra had gone into a state of deep depression and disappointment.



Scarlet: [Abra] “Now all I’ll ever be able to learn naturally is Teleport! Nobody likes that move!”



More of the students were upset of the game. Everyone was hopefully feeling this would be the year they would finally beat Crystal High.



Scarlet: To be fair, I don’t think you all could’ve taken on Peridot and survived. Let alone Jasper.



Sunset felt a little disappointed herself, but she felt very pleased to have finally gotten revenge against Lightning and Starla for humiliating her and taking the lead roles, not to mention Flash for dumping her. Now his band wouldn’t get to do their part in the play either.



Scarlet: [Flash] “Has anyone ever told you that you suck at revenge?

[Sunset] “...Yeah.”



That was all there was to it.



Scarlet: If. Only.

SC276: If only, the woodpecker cries...



…



As for Celestia, she was very lucky that after all this, Celesto had bailed her from being sent to prison, but she was now unemployed, and more miserable than before. Her face was still slightly reddened form being scaled, but it was healing.



Scarlet: I see given that last sentence that Celestia gained the ability to shapeshift into a dragon when splashed with coffee.

SC276: Only after filling out a reddened form.



She now was drowning her sorrows at a coffee shop in town, but not drinking too much.



Scarlet: Oh man, go easy on the coffee there, Celestia! You might get a caffeine headache!

SC276: Or at least start feeling waterbloated. *sips orange juice*

Dark Angel: One, you aren’t ‘drowning’ your sorrows if you aren’t drinking that much. The idea of that term is that you’re drinking yourself senseless… something I’m sure Mykan should know about perfectly. Second, WHO DROWNS THEIR SORROWS IN COFFEE?!

Topher: When I have problems, I drown them in acid! Big vats of it! Just drop ‘em in and listen to the screams, it never fails to cheer me up!

Dark Angel: Are you talking about your sorrows or what you do to other people?

Topher: Yes.



She hardly even finished her first cup of coffee and merely gazed at her reflection in the liquid, making her wake up and realize as if for the first time ever “I… I am an angry monster.”



SC276: [Celestia] “Triggered by a punk with a barcode on his shirt.”



Now she felt sadness and shame starting to eat away at her already aching heart.



Scarlet: No, my princess! Don’t let this story twist your narrative like that! Fight the power! Fight it!

Dark Angel: Or better yet, fight Lightning again.

SC276: How about going out for a jog around the island? That should help reinvigorate the spirits. By which I mean your mood and the ghosts of all the plots this fic should have been.



What would she do now? She most likely wouldn’t be able to get another job now, thanks to the news now everyone on the island knew she had a rotten temper.



SC276: So go off the island. It’s been years, no one’s going to remember the whole horse thing. You’ll be fine.

Dark Angel: And anyone who would remember wouldn’t care.



In fact, everyone in the coffee shop got quick glances of her and whispered…



Scarlet: “An ellipsis is coming! Run for it as soon as you get a chance! Just don’t spook it!”



“It’s her.”



“Watch it! You’ll make her angry.”



Scarlet: To the moon. With all of you.

SC276: Hope you like bananas.



Some even moved a few tables down to give her space, but Celestia felt too ashamed to really care.



SC276: Yeah, I don’t really care about other people in cafés either.



“What’s happened to me?” she wondered softly to herself.



SC276: Well, offhand, your characterization has been rewritten into being a short-tempered buffoon who has only gotten her place because of the author avatar.

Scarlet: *sigh* This is a dark day for Equestria.



Grandruler could see her from his limo outside,



SC276: Don’t you have an island to run or something?

Topher: [Grandruler] “Why are we stopping here? I said go to the daycare! I need to pick up some livestock!”



and he too felt very bad for taking her job away, but he knew he couldn’t just rehire her after all that, or if she’d want to come back, or even if anyone else wanted her back, and to add to his problems, Lightning had run off and he didn’t know where he was.



Scarlet: Thus making his official suspension a nearly-moot point. Got it.



“Go.” he said to his driver “We’ve got to find him.”



‘Scarlet: It took you this long to start looking? Jesus, what an asshole!



Lightning’s friends were all sitting at the outdoor food court and saw him pass by.



Scarlet: Based on the sentence structure, I thought for a moment they had seen Lightning pass by. For a brief moment I thought he’d actually come back to take Topher’s advice already.

Topher: Why does nobody ever listen to me in these stories?

Scarlet: Well, to be fair, you’re a bad influence.

Topher: What? That’s crazy. (hurriedly kicks a human skull he had been eating cereal out of under his seat)



None of them seemed very hungry for lunch, what with everything bad going on making them sick to their stomachs. It was hard enough to believe Celestia was fired, and that the play was postponed, but all of them were worried about Lightning, especially Starla. “No one knows where he is?”



Scarlet: Let’s hope he’s gone for the rest of the chapter.

SC276: And then tripped and fell down a plot hole so he’s not in the rest of the fic.

Dark Angel: If only we could be that lucky.



The boys all shook their heads. “I have never seen anyone get so steamed up before.” said Buddy.



“Me neither. Imagine how he must be feeling.” added Artie.



SC276: I think something along the lines of “the narrative has betrayed me!”



“Maybe we should try and find him.” Dyno suggested. “But where would we start looking? With his speed, he could anywhere on the island.” said Myte.



Scarlet: Hey guys? You know, it’s not that big an island. You could probably find him just by asking around at the local grocery stores to see who’s been in to buy stuff. Guys?

SC276: I don’t think that’d work. He doesn’t have this-world currency, remember?



“Then we better start searching round,

And we won’t quit until Lightning is found.” said Rhymey.



Scarlet: Rhymey, normally you’re just annoying. With those lines, you are history’s greatest monster.

SC276: And if you didn’t shorten “around,” you’d be a little closer to matching syllable count. In short, shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Dark Angel: Well, at least it’s better than rhyming on with wrong.



The others agreed, and spread out to check all their hangout places to start.



Scarlet: You didn’t already think to check there?

SC276: Doesn’t he go straight to the manor after school? Why would he even know where their hangouts are?



…



Lightning wasn’t all that far away, he was sitting on a bench on the off bound road where he first met Celestia, when she nearly ran over him.



Scarlet: If Celestia finds him and gets him back into the fic, I’m going to cry.

SC276: Why here? Why not the lake or whatever where he started?



He was sulking miserably and too upset and nervous to face Grandruler or any of his friends. “I survived a planter holocaust. I’ve traveled across whole star systems. I’ve battled countless enemies.



Dark Angel: [Lightning] “I’ve ruined countless readers’ lives by letting this fic continue this long.”



I’ve even saved countless more innocent races from doom, and now… because of this one little screw up, I may have put both worlds in jeopardy. I’ve ruined everything!”



Scarlet: You know. Unless you were to just… steal the rod back. You can do it, Lightning!

SC276: Lightning, it wasn’t “one little screw up.” Your terrible attitude and inability to accept authority of any sort that’s not your dumb mentor has been built up as your main personality point throughout the entire fic.

Dark Angel: Actually, that’s his only personality trait.

Topher: OR, Hear me out, YOU COULD BREAK INTO THE SCHOOL COUNCIL BUILDING, GRAB THE FUCKNG ROD, SAY “FUCK YOU BITCHES, I’M OUT” SNOG STARLA ON THE WAY OUT AND GO HOME!



Krysta stood perched on the bench next to him and tried for the umpteenth time to get him to stop beating himself up, and she was right. “You were just standing up for a friend. You didn’t mean for things to get so out of hand.”



Scarlet: No, Krysta. He ruined everything. Let him sulk.

SC276: Shoo, bird, don’t bother us.



“I know, but look what’s happened…” Lightning said. He felt really bad about getting Celestia fired, even though it was debatable that she deserved it, it didn’t make Lightning feel any better. Now he was suspended and wouldn’t be able to be in the grand game,



Scarlet: Mykan correctly deduces that his average fan has already stopped giving a shit and needs to be reminded what the plot is.



which meant he wouldn’t be able to get the Rainbow Rod back.



SC276: Unless you stole it at the game. Given the general intelligence level of this fic’s cast, it’s probably going to be transported before the game and be present at the event for the entire playtime. And given you’re literally a superhuman right now, it’s not like you need to be subtle.



“Maybe we should just head back to Unicorniopia and have them send someone else to do the job.”



Scarlet: ...Wait, you can do that? Why don’t you? Your cover’s compromised, Flash and Sapphira could both take you out at any time, you could even tell the new operative where to find the Rainbow Rod! Why not just do it?

SC276: Also maybe Brain and his golem friend could figure out how to fix the warp bauble real quick to give them more time. ...Also, if you’re going to come up with a stupid planet name, the least you could do is spell it right!



Krysta swatted him across the cheek with her wing. “Stop it, now!” she growled “That’s not the Lightning Dawn of Starfleet that I know; the one who never gave up even against outstanding odds.”



Scarlet: [Krysta] “I know oustanding odds are good ones, but still!”



This made Lightning realize that Starfleet was counting on him. “You’re right, Krysta. I’m not giving up yet. I can’t let this world be plunged into darkness by Sapphira. I’ll think of something.”



SC276: Technically, you can...

Scarlet: [Lightning] “What if I just stole the rod back- nah, too easy.”



Krysta nodded proudly at him. They both checked the transport jewel. It still eight and a half days of power left



SC276: So, we’re still on day 21? OK then...



and just as they were about brainstorm, Lightning’s friends found him. “Lightning!” cried Starla “We’ve been looking everywhere for you.” They stopped when they noticed that exact same robin was perched right near him. “We’re you talking to that bird again?”



Scarlet: [Starla] “Tell me! Tell me what’s between you and that bird! Tell me you little son of a-”

SC276: Watch your head; falling apostrophes.



Lightning and Krysta gazed at each other. “Yes, I was.” Lightning answered “She’s pretty much all have to talk to. I know you guys are steamed at me, but I--”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I mean, that you all think I’m steamy. Sorry, earth-human idioms are hard!”



“We aren’t steamed, not at you.” Buddy cut in.



SC276: They’re more like boiled or microwaved.



“We’re just upset at what’s going on at school.” said Artie “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel sorry for Celestia.”



Scarlet: Vivat Celestia Rex! Vivat Celestia Rex!

SC276: I’ll drink to that. *chugs orange juice*



The others all did. True, they had their issues with her and her nasty temper, but didn’t feel she deserved to get fired.



Scarlet: Wow. We’ve hit the point where even the characters can’t stand this story.

Dark Angel: It was bound to happen eventually. I’m just surprised that it took this long for it to happen.



Lightning was glad his friends weren’t mad at him, but they all were still upset about all the problems. Lightning was especially worried about the grand game. “I’ve got to get that trophy before it’s too late.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Seriously, what would any of you do if I was to take your rod and run off with it?”

[Artie] *profuse blushing*

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “Yes. I must play with balls before I can grab my rod.”



His friends knew where this was going, that same old space story again, and they sighed “Seriously, Lightning, stop it.” said Dyno. “We know you’re upset of being kicked off the team, but you don’t have to keep making up stories.”



Scarlet: God damn it, not this again! If the bird would just-



Krysta couldn’t take any more of this, and flew right up in front of the twins and said “Okay, that’s it! You guys need to wake up to the truth.”



Scarlet: Oh. Well, then.

SC276: Why did it take this freakin’ long?!

Topher: Urge… to kill… rising…



Dyno and Myte screamed in shock, and the others gawked hard. “Did… that… bird… just talk?” cried Starla.



“It didn’t chirp, peep or squawk.” rhymed Rhymey.



Topher: (Jumps out of his seat) SHUT THE FUCK UP, RHYMEY! (Begins a joyous jig) Yes! I finally got to do one!

Scarlet: ….I… I actually thought that one was okay.

Topher: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS!

Dark Angel: Technically, that was his best rhyme so far in this fic. And at least this time he wasn’t making his own rhyme, but rhymed with someone else. But let’s allow Topher his moment and accept the fact that this doesn’t make up for the rest of the shit that’s been spewing out of Rhymey’s mouth during this fic.



“Oh, I’m not really a bird. Where I come from, I’m actually a fairy, and everything Lightning’s been telling you is true.”



Scarlet: [Krysta] “Just shitting you! This whole thing was Lightning’s fevered coma dream.”

[Lightning] “wait, wha-” *wakes up*

SC276: What a twist!



The others turned to face Lightning and he nodded at them. “You really are some alien pony?” asked Buddy.



“Yes.” answered Lightning.



“You’re from outer space?” asked Starla.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “AT LAST, YOUR SKULL HAS BEEN BREACHED!”

Topher: Skulls are actually very easy to breach. Allow me to demonstrate, I will need a volunteer from the audience. Any takers?

SC276: I volunteer you.

Topher: OK! (Shoots himself in the head) As you can see, a simple gunshot has quite easily penetrated my skull, and- Ah, yes! There goes my ability to remain conscious. (falls to the floor)

SC276: ...I… did not think that would work.

Dark Angel: I guess this fic had finally caused him to lose his grip on any sanity that he had left. Can Mykan qualify as a serial murderer if people keep dying from his fanfics?

Topher: (Springs up from the floor) If he does, I need to pick up the pace if I want to beat his body count.



“Not this outer space, but… yes.” replied Lightning and he recapped his story; How his real name was Lieutenant Lightning Dawn, and he came from a multi-dimensional universe which existed above and outside of their universe,



Dark Angel: Technically, a multi-dimensional universe is impossible, since one dimension is the same as one uni… Awe screw it. Why do I even bother?



and Starfleet being an intergalactic defense force dedicated to fighting evil forces,



Scarlet: The sad thing is that I know that even if that sounds like a more interesting story, it isn’t. Because Mykan wrote it.

SC276: [Buddy] “Um, you kinda already told us all this while trying to convince us like three weeks ago.”

Dark Angel: [Lightning] “I am going to tell you about it, and you Earth-humans are going to listen to me! UNDERSTAND?!!”



and all its members were trained exceedingly well and hard; which explained why Lightning was so fast, strong, and talented,



SC276: And not because he’s a Marty Stu, oh no.



not to mention the suddenness of his appearance and why he had been acting strange.



Scarlet: But can it explain… this? *dramatically holds up Grandruler’s severed head*

SC276: ...Why did you decorate a prop severed head to look like…? Actually, never mind, I stopped caring.

Scarlet: “Prop.”



Lightning’s friends were speechless, astonished, and rigged with curiosity.



SC276: But were they big rigged? Over the Curiosity Racing!



“Lightning, why didn’t you tell us this before?” asked Buddy.



SC276: [Lightning] “I did. Multiple times.”



Krysta flew up to him and glared him dead in the eye “He did tell you all, several times, and you didn’t believe him.”



Scarlet: I give up. The story’s riffing itself.

Dark Angel: I both agree and disagree. Although the fic is riffing itself, the fic is also just that predictable, whether you’re conscious of it or not.



The friends remembered, and felt really bad now, but Lightning dismissed it. “It’s not important now. I’ve got to get back into the grand game.” Lightning warned everyone “It’s vital that I get that trophy.”



Scarlet: Which he can’t steal, because-



and he recapped his story about how the trophy was actually a powerful scepter; the Rainbow Rod, which was stolen from him by Sapphire,



SC276: Sapphira. One’s a precious jewel, and the other’s mental sickness.



an evil alien empress who sought its power for evil intentions.



SC276: [Lightning] “I mean, that’s the best guess, since her entire species is evil egoists, and since I’m the good egoist, it’s definitely right.”



“If Sapphira gets it, there’s no telling how serious things could get, but I have to get it back within the next eight and half days, or I’ll be trapped in this world forever.”



Scarlet: Well, shit. I was hoping after the last couple of bits that the story would be self-aware enough to comment on that.

SC276: If it starts trying to satisfy us with friendship and ponies, I recommend full fire.

Topher: So break into the school council building, grab the rod, and GO THE FUCK HOME AND END THIS ABOMINATION !

Dark Angel: At this point, I agree with Topher. I mean, Lightning’s friends now know the truth…well…they now believe the truth. So at this point, they wouldn’t question his motives for just grabbing his rod and coming...I mean going! Yeah, going!.



The others all sat down really taking time to let it all sink in, but now in full belief and understanding of the seriousness. They all agreed to help him get back into school and maybe convince Principal Luna to let him back on the team, but they all agreed not to tell anyone else of the truth to avoid causing more trouble that wasn’t needed.



Scarlet: I mean, god forbid they just explain the situation to Princess Luna and ask her kindly to hand over the weapon that might be capable of destroying the world.

SC276: Again, just show her the talking robin. Just because she’s a canon, that doesn’t mean she’ll be unreasonable.

Dark Angel: Well, considering that Celestia is allot less reasonable than in canon, what makes you think Luna would be an exception?



“How am I going to get back into school?” asked Lightning.



“I think I have an idea.” Artie said.



Scarlet: *sniffs* Is that hijinks I smell?

SC276: *hangs up air fresheners* No, I think that’s the fumes from all those alchemical bombs I detonated earlier.



When Lightning saw Grandruler again, and they talked about what happened. Grandruler was surprised at Lightning’s behaviour, but he was willing to give him another chance when he heard of the proposition he and his friends were cooking up to help the play, and over the next few days, after school, Lightning and the gang worked on rebuilding and repainting the sets for the play at Grandruler’s manor, with his permission of course.



Scarlet: Ah, nope, it was run-on sentences and bullshit. My mistake!

SC276: Oh they’re restarting the play?! Fucking hell, Mykan, you actually managed to come up with a decent plot twist, and you back out on it?!

Dark Angel: Well, of course. The key word there was ‘decent’.



When they were finished they showed it to Principal Luna at the school one day. “Hmm…” she said as she inspected all the scenery paintings. “Well, I must say you did an outstanding job. Still, I’m not so certain if they play should continue.” she said “There would still be so much to do in so little time.”



Scarlet: [Abra] “Woman, this is my one shot. If you do not let us up there, so help me I will go on a murder spree-”

[Luna] “Remind me why I haven’t institutionalized you again?”



One-by-one, the students voiced their pleas to let it go on,



SC276: ~The show must go on… / The show must go on… / Never fear… / The show! will! go! on!~



and to let Lightning comeback to be in it and compete in the game, but not telling her the truth as agreed,



SC276: For fuck’s sake, Mykan, I was actually OK with not being right for once!



and after some consideration, Luna did remember Lightning didn’t throw the first punch in the fight, and he was only trying to stand up for a friend whom she herself still believed was innocent and didn’t trash the scenes to begin with. “Oh, very well; Lightning may return, and the play shall go on after all.”



Scarlet: It’s like the story is teasing us with the concept of consequences just to go back on them at the last second. Mykan, I detest you.

SC276: YOU WERE DOING. SO. WELL.

Dark Angel: It’s like I said earlier. Lightning getting consequences for his actions imply that this fic has consequences in the first place.



The friends cheered and leapt about with joy, but this all did not go unnoticed. Sunset was right outside and peeking through the door, and while she was glad the play was on, she was very displeased that Lightning and Starla would once again be in it and have better roles than she.



Scarlet: Wait, how the fuck is Starla back? She got kicked out for trashing the set, not for the fight!

SC276: How else does the plot keep going here? Because Grandruler said so.



She turned to Snails and Snips growling and gritting her teeth angrily. The two boys quivered in fear under her looming shadow. “It wasn’t our fault.” cried Snails. “Yeah, we didn’t know they’d pull something like this off.” added Snips.



Scarlet: [Sunset] “Honestly, given this accomplished less than my canonical attempt did and was just as counter-productive, I shouldn’t be upset.”

SC276: We’re on day 22. He undid the entire plot twist in literally less than 24 hours. You know what the hilarious part is? Sunset does this exact same shit on the Fall Formal decorations, and still no one draws any similarities, putting down the intelligence of the entire school as a whole. That’s what happens when you rip off indiscriminately.



Sunset growled angrier than ever and clenched her fists tighter and looked ready to beat the living daylights of them, when she noticed the calendar on the bulletin board just above them. “On the night of the play it will officially have been thirty moons.”



Scarlet: ...Oh hey. It’s the plot of Equestria Girls coming back. Again.

SC276: And why do- wait. Oh freakin’ god. That’s going to be the night Sunset steals Twilight’s crown. Equestria Girls is going to happen overlapping the last two days of Lightning’s time. There will be the big game of the year that somehow completely evades all mention in the movie despite its supposed impact on day one, and the second day will be the Fall Formal followed by Demon!Sunset battle. And just watch, during that final occurrence, Lightning and Sapphira will duke it out over the rod and the warp bauble. Mykan’s back to being poor predictable Mykan, this will definitely happen.

Topher: Who keeps track of the date in moons?

Dark Angel: Who keeps letting Mykan write fanfics?



The boys didn’t know what she meant by thirty moons, but Sunset grinned wickedly and snickered softly realizing what this could do for her. She flicked her hair and just waltzed off leaving the boys confused.



Scarlet: And they aren’t the only ones.



Lightning left the atrium, and felt pretty please.



Scarlet: With a cherry on top?

SC276: Do your best, onegai?



“Maybe things will go swell after all.” he said to himself.



SC276: No shit, Sherlock.



He stopped by the bulletin board to remark the dates, and he could hear music in the air. He just had to start dancing to it throughout the empty halls of the school while no one else could see him.



Scarlet: No! No, I refuse! No! No more musical numbers for you, Mykan!



He tapped, kicked, twirled, even flipped forward and landed gracefully on his feet. He leapt over the hallway banisters, more twirling and kicking, and finished it all up with three Grand Jetes and skidded across the floor right to the exit and stopping perfectly before heading on out.



Scarlet: That’s right, you’d better cut it off there!

SC276: Well that was completely necessary and not at all pointless. *throws a bomb at a big-lipped alligator*



Meanwhile, Twilight had gone outside too looking for Flash hoping to ask him out to the Fall Formal. Over the past weeks they had constantly ran into one another, but Flash always seemed as gentlemanly and kind as always, which Twilight really liked and was starting to develop possible feelings for him herself.



Scarlet: It says something for how awkward this fanfic’s version of their romance is that I find myself actually liking the EqG version better. God, I was so hard on it!



She found Flash in the parking lot, speaking to Sapphira, but she hid behind a tree when she overheard them speaking sinisterly to one another.



Scarlet: Dun. Dun. Duuuuunnnnn.

SC276: Oh gheeze. They’re going to take Twilight out for knowing too much, and that will result in Fluttershy taking her place in the play and give an opening for pony!Twilight to come in.



“The grand game has been rescheduled for after tomorrow, mother.” said Flash “There will be no mistakes.”



SC276: Are you fucking kidding me, how would you even do it?! And Sapphira is the Crystal High principal; if anything, she would be the one most able to reschedule the game!



His mother snickered softly “Excellent, my son. Once the game ends, regardless of which team wins or loses, we will be ready.”



Scarlet: [Sapphira] “Oh, remember to talk VERY LOUDLY so people can OVERHEAR OUR GREATNESS.”

[Flash] “...Remind me again how you’ve stayed out of prison, Mom?”



Twilight couldn’t believe what she was hearing and felt her heart skip a couple of beats, almost totally unable to grasp the fact that the guy she was falling for was a phony,



Dark Angel: A big fat phony!



but she had to tell someone about this now, but as she readied herself to run…!



Scarlet: But the ellipsis caught her. Poor girl, she never saw it coming!



“Stay where you are, Earth-girl.” hissed Sapphira.



SC276: Called it!



Twilight shivered with fear as she turned round and saw the villains gazing at her. “You think we didn’t know you were there?” hissed Flash. “I’m afraid we can’t let you out to tell our secret.”



Scarlet: Oh wait. Sapphira, are you being competent for once? Good job! You get a gold star!

SC276: You’d think after all this time in the human world, she would’ve learned to stopped calling the native females “Earth-girl.”



Twilight really felt her heart breaking now, but she tried to run for it, but Flash zipped in front of her, and held her hostage. “Why Flash? Why?” she asked. Flash sniggered. “It’s a little thing called taking over the world. Not that an Earthling like you would understand.”



Scarlet: [Flash] “Nothing personal, Twilight, but this is the first time I’ve been allowed to do something remotely effective in the entire story.”

SC276: [Twilight] “I’ve seen cartoons, you know. I know what taking over the world is.”

Topher: [Twilight] “I know you’re a mouse in a human costume!”



Sapphira walked forth to towards her snickering wickedly. Twilight felt her blood turn cold “What are you going to do to me?”



Scarlet: [Sapphira] “I’m going to ship you with Discord!”

[Twilight] “You monster!”



“…Just make certain that you do not interfere with our plans.” hissed Sapphira, and before any second longer, Twilight screamed as bright lights flashed.



Scarlet: Delivering her from this story. And… holy shit. We made it! I made it! I’m here! Woooooo! Two down, Mykan! Don’t fuck around with an angry witch!

SC276: Triple called it! I can’t believe it… Last story, I was bored, and now I got that emotional roller coaster. I thought my opinion of Mykan couldn’t get any worse, but it has! He managed to come up with a decent, somewhat convincing plot twist with the play being delayed past Lightning’s staying time… and then backed up and undid it almost immediately, putting him back on his usual plot track! Otherwise, I managed to predict everything near perfectly! Sure, it was Sapphira that took Twilight out of the play instead of Sunset, but yeah. *chugs some more orange juice* I think I’m over being upset about it, thank Mew. He’s not going to change after all…

Scarlet: Better observation- Mykan is so predictable that his literally ripping off a scene from Equestria Girls and letting the consequences play out for an extra day or so now counts as a “twist”. Even if the play hadn’t gone on, in any other author’s story that would just count as one more obstacle for the hero to deal with. With Mykan, everything is so dull and easy to call in advance that you feel like you’ve walked into a different story. But you haven’t. You wasted hours of your life reading “My Brave Pony.” I’m a witch and thus immortal, but I’m not sure about the excuses of the rest of you.

SC276: ...So, um, I’m gonna guess Umineko witch, not Madoka Magica witch, right? Because if it’s the latter, I think we’ve been doing all our riffing in a labyrinth. Which would… actually explain a lot.

Scarlet: I choose to leave all things ambiguous. For example, where I got this severed head from. *tosses Grandruler’s head over his shoulder*

Topher: (Catches Severed head) This’ll look great on the wall! I think I’ll mount it over there. Anyway, before I go, I’ve got two things to say. I was going to cut this story just the tiniest bit of slack, because I thought it was just some kid trying out writing fanfiction for the first time. An early attempt that didn't go well, and nothing more. Then I decided to look up Mykan, and MY GOD did I get a surprise. I'd just like to remind everyone that this story, with its flatter-than-a-steamrolled-pizza characters, storytelling where ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING happens for PAGES AND PAGES ON END, plot so contrived that we have MADE BINGO CARDS AND CHECKLISTS FOR IT BEFORE WE EVEN STARTED READING IT, Middle-school writing quality, and painful tie-ins to EqG, was written by a GROWN-ASS MAN who had written plenty of fan fiction before this story, all of which were on the same level of quality. The fact that he has been at this since the mid 2000s, has shown absolutely no desire to improve, and his almost incredible failure to provide anything interesting in his storytelling, makes him HANDS DOWN the worst author I've ever had the incredible displeasure of riffing.

FUCK.

THIS.

STORY.

Also, the current tally is: 46 dick jokes made about the rainbow rod (including jokes that may have been cut from the final draft)

Actually, I’m going to keep talking now that I‘ve cooled my head.. I don’t want to take up several pages though, so I’ll just leave THIS here, and say: Mykan, you clearly have at least a passion for writing to keep at it for this long, but you need a serious attitude adjustment if you want to be anything as a writer.

Dark Angel: *laying lifeless on the floor as everyone leaves* [death by bad fic allergies]

Topher: Well, only one thing left to do. (Douses Angel’s corpse in gasoline, sets it on fire. Begins to roast weenies.) See you all next time on another exciting episode of FAN FICTION THEATRE THREE THOUSAND!

SC276: ...and Fifteen. *starts roasting marshmallows*



* * *





RingmasterJ5: Well, here we are. The last 15K words of Mykan. As usual, I’ll hand it over to SC and Scarlet for the intro.

SC276: Finally! The end of this freakin’ thing is in sight! I’m excited, are you excited, Scarlet?

Scarlet: Am I ever! After this, I’ll never have to reference Dragon Ball Z ever again! And I know I’m going to have to reference it this time because there is no way there won’t be at least one scene directly lifted from it!

SC276: Time to recap. Last time on Starfleet WHY, I’m right four times out of five, everyone else finally notices the bird talking, Lightning continues to act out and receive no permanent consequences whatsoever, and… um… It’s been a tough month. Oh yeah, Twilight got kidnapped in an attempt to finally connect this with Equestria Girls canon, even though that’s already been very well ruined by Celestia getting fired.

Scarlet: Eh, she’ll be fine, she’s just going to wake up with a cute school uniform and glasses. Equestria Girls Canon and all that.

SC276: Oh yeah, Friendship Games came out in the last month and blew this all so far out of the water, I think it hit Mars.

Scarlet: Yup! And that was only one of the good deeds Friendship Games accomplished! The other was being a more entertaining use of my time than any of the hours I’ve spent on this riff and why am I not watching it again ANYWAY! Also last time, High School Musical was sadly not averted, and there was an entire goddamn attempted musical number. In the fic.

SC276: Oh my god, faking out cancelling the play, I’m not sure I’m over it. Damn it, Mykan, cancelling was the one surprising thing you did and you went back on it. I’ve never been so disappointed to be right!

RingmasterJ5: Speaking of, before we really get started, I want you both to look just below this intro at that little author’s note that starts off the part.

Scarlet: *looks down* ...He summarized the play for no good reason.

SC276: ...Are you fucking kidding me. He not only doesn’t leave it cancelled, he admits he has no intention of doing more than his usual summation gig anyway?! If it wasn’t so important, why didn’t you just leave it cancelled?! I can say for certain this guy is one of the worst authors I have ever seen, and I don’t give certainties like that out lightly!

Scarlet: Imagine if he did that before every line of dialogue he refuses to write out. “What they actually said wasn’t important to this fic, so here’s the reader’s digest version. If that.”

SC276: How does this guy keep going?! Why hasn’t he been crushed by the negative responses these all get?! Who could possibly unironically like this shit?!

Scarlet: Mykan. Mykan could. He writes for himself, and he means it. That sounds like an admirable quality, but the truth is that he exists to spawn hate. Mykan is a troll who lives not for the lulz, but to feed on our rage. Our only hope is to force so much vitriol into this riff that it ultimately destroys him.

SC276: And if he’s serious, judging by the rest of his life, ya think he’d at least keep it off the ‘Net so we don’t have to deal with it!

Scarlet: You know what? I think that’s enough hype. We’ve only got this one riff left before Halloween, I’m a mother-flippin’ witch, and I feel like slicing up a sad kid’s daydream- which is about the most charitable thing anyone can call a Mykan fic. Shall we just lay into this, SC?

SC276: Indeed, Scarlet. Time to run a bulldozer - or something equally destructive - over the last bits of this tripe of character array data that dares describe itself as a “story.” *puts on protective goggles* Let’s party.

Topher: FOR POWER! FOR GLORY! FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES! ATTAAAAAACK!

MrSing: I haven’t read the previous parts, but context is for nerds anyway.

Dark Angel: (crawls out of a pile of ash) *spits out some ash* The fic is almost done!



Author’s notes:



Obviously I can’t post the play as it happens word for word



MrSing: If only there were some kind of way to write down words in some kind of text format. If only.



because it’s not all that important in this fic.



Topher: WHAT?!

SC276: Keep it down, we’re in a church.

Dark Angel: How did this demonspawn of a fic manage to get smuggled into a church? And on that note, how did the demonspawn that is Topher manage to get into a church?

SC276: I have no idea. Maybe it’s the Churche of Bade Fanfictione.

Dark Angel: In other words, Hell.



So I’ll just give you the reader’s digest of it… if that’s even what it is.



RJ: The summarized truncated abridged cliff notes version.



ACT ELEVEN



MrSing: That’s what my parents always tells me to stop doing.

Dark Angel: That’s also what Lightning is always doing.



Twilight lay unconscious on the ground, but no one had actually seen what happened,



SC276: Including the audience. We just know lights are involved.

Scarlet: The whole point of a cut to black is to leave us in suspense. This is the opposite of suspense.

MrSing: I actually haven’t seen it, but I’m sure it was stupid.

Dark Angel: Don’t be so hard on him. Mykan worked really hard to earn the title of “Captain Obvious”.

Topher: Meh, I outrank him. *Holds up an “admiral obvious” badge.* This badge shows that I’m an admiral of being obvious, meaning that I’m higher than a captain.



giving Flash the perfect chance to continue his cover by calling the paramedics and faking a story that he and Twilight were simply chatting outside when she suddenly collapsed, possible due to a violent seizure.



SC276: Well bright lights were involved…

Dark Angel: This is why you shouldn’t let people read a Mykan fi- *collapses into a violent seizure*



Twilight was taken straight to the hospital where she was diagnosed to be in a deep coma,



MrSing: [Doctor] *pokes with stick* That’s a coma alright. That will be 5000 dollars.



and wouldn’t snap out of it for some time.



SC276: When she came out of it, it was a few months later, she was an introverted nerd in need of glasses, she was transferred to another school, and she could see magic.

Topher: But before she could recover, Grand Ruler burst into the hospital, flashed his “I run this shit” badge (and some of the staff), and took Twilight’s comatose form to his home for his own personal use.

Dark Angel: Now that is nightmare fuel.



The doctors had a hard time believing that she really just collapsed from a seizure.



SC276: They’re not the only ones.

Scarlet: [Doctor] “Now call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure seizures don’t normally punch people in the temple.”

Dark Angel: [Flash] “If you say so, Doctor Crazy.”



Lightning was the only one to suspect it was really Flash and his mother who did it,



MrSing: Wow, I was right. It was stupid.



but couldn’t prove it, and still didn’t wish to cause more trouble trying to expose him. Still, once again, the play was in disaster, and Principal Luna was on the verge of canceling it all over again,



SC276: Yeah, like I’m gonna fall for that again.



unless they could find someone else to take Twilight’s place. Luckily, Lightning and Starla both had someone in mind, Flutershy.



SC276: Wait for it...

MrSing: Knock off brand Fluttershy to the rescue.



“What?! Me?!” she chirped and she felt her legs go weak.



MrSing: Her palms were sweaty.

Scarlet: *passes a plate of spaghetti to MrSing*

RJ: Is that mom’s?



“She?” rhymed Rhymey.



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Topher: “Thee!” Said a passing knight.



“Why not?” asked Lightning. “She’s watched us perform and rehearse. She knows the lines, and the role does call for someone who is timid.”



MrSing: This isn’t what they mean when they tell you to “act like yourself”.

RJ: Meh, everyone else justs files it under “typecasting.”



“I agree.” said Starla “You’ll be great for the role, don’t you think so, Rhymey?”



SC276: Wait for it...



Rhymey stuttered and stammered, unable to find rhymes to make.



SC276: So talk normally.

Topher: C’mon Rhymey… you can to it!

MrSing: They should have send a poet.



Both he and Fluttershy felt very nervous the fact that they would be acting side-by-side and even had a few romantic scenes in the play.



SC276: *mashes the skip button* Why does this only work for movies?!

Scarlet: Because we used those special parts to make a robot friend! *pats Mobile Fortress Scarlet*

Dark Angel: Our bosses didn’t like us, so they shot us into cyberspace.



This of course was exactly why Lightning and Starla suggested it; to help them both get over their nerves for good.



SC276: They ship it.

Scarlet: And that is why we know that Lightning Dawn is the true evil.

MrSing: They should be glad they aren’t arachnophobes. Lightning is just itching to use that spider shower on someone.



Fluttershy honestly didn’t know what to do but it was either she agree to join or, unless they could find someone else, Principal Luna would cancel it again. Not wanting the play to be canceled again, “All right, I’ll do it.” Fluttershy peeped.



SC276: And that’s FIVE. FOR. FIVE! *does a dorky victory dance that ends with presenting a button reading “EVIL GENIUS”*

Scarlet: *claps appreciatively*



Rhymey gulped hard.



MrSing: [Rhymey]: “Oh sh-”



…



Before long it was opening night, and the school theater was full of staff, students and families.



SC276: And that accelerates us to the night of day 28.



Grandruler and Luna were in the back row,



MrSing: Wait too long to order your cards and you get the nosebleed seats. Them’s the rules.



and they even saw a lady wearing sunglasses, and a red tulle scarf over her long hair come in and take a seat.



Scarlet: She then picked up the seat and left with it, never to return.



No doubt in their mind, it was Celestia, who had bought a ticket to the show and was coming to see it as an ordinary citizen.



SC276: This isn’t your freakin’ military, Mykan.



Seeing her made Grandruler fell very remorseful



SC276: Falling remorsefully? Doesn’t sound like that’ll provide a soft landing.

Scarlet: Don’t worry, I’ve asked Topher to help clean up the messy remains.

Topher: I hope the head survives! I’ve got a place to mount it on the wall ready to go!



for his actions yet, and Luna felt equally as bad, but they didn’t want to consider giving her another chance, not unless she could prove she could or was willing to change and learn to control her issues.



SC276: Or to have her back in charge for when pony!Twilight shows up tomorrow. ...Come to think of it, wasn’t it night when Fluttershy found the Element of Magic? How late after the play was she up?



Backstage, Twilight’s friends took their places to help as the stage managers and such, they all felt upset for what happened to Twilight and that she was still hospitalized, but they were still not speaking to each other and passing the cold shoulder around.



SC276: They’re working together while refusing to communicate with each other? Does this guy pay attention to anything that comes out of his keyboard?

Scarlet: I’m more amused by the fact that they’re apparently passing around a cold shoulder like it’s the fucking conch from Lord of the Flies.

SC276: [Rarity] “I have the cold shoulder! I am ignoring you all!”



Lightning and his friends just couldn’t understand it, but they didn’t have time to worry about it,



SC276: They are above the matters of petty canons.

MrSing: It was their general M.O. anyway.



and didn’t wish to stir up trouble now when everyone had to pull together.



Fluttershy was more nervous than ever now that she was actually in the play, and she was being teased and bullied by Sunset worse than ever. “If you screw up during my scenes, you’ll be sorry! Got it?”



Topher: This differs from normal high school actors how?

Scarlet: Normal high school actors don’t need to say it so much as project it as a passive-aggressive aura.

MrSing: The secret origins of “break a leg” revealed?



Fluttershy nodded and whimpered nervously. Rhymey didn’t like this one bit, marched right over, and said deeply to her face,



SC276: Oh no, he’s going to fucking rant.

Scarlet: That’s our job!

Dark Angel: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey! …Oh wait, he hasn’t said anything yet. Force of habit.



“Don’t you bother her,

Sunset Shimmer.”



Scarlet: Rhymey, if you want to beat her/Give your couplet fucking meter.



Sunset didn’t like his attitude



SC276: We don’t like it either. Or any other part of him, at all.

Dark Angel: In fact, I believe I speak for everyone when I say we would all like it if you tore out his vocal cords so he can’t rhyme anymore.



“Now is that anyway to act to the star of this show? I can speak to anyone anyway I want.”



Topher: *Various noises of incoherent, all consuming rage, before suddenly snapping into a strangely calm demeanor* You see, this is a line that Sunset delivers in the original film. This author is so clever I could just rip his head from his body and bathe in his blood, before ramming his decapitated head so far up his ass that it would come back up out of his neck hole into its regular position. As it had been previously severed, it would immediately fall off again. I would repeat this process until the corpse decomposed.



Rhymey continued to glare in her face,



“You are not the star,

A bully is what you are.”



SC276: Just wait ‘til the sequel, buddy.

Topher: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: Okay Rhymey, your meter’s improved. Too bad your couplets are still lame.

MrSing: Yoda is crying somewhere in the distance.



Sunset clenched her fists, but decided he wasn’t worth it.



MrSing: I nominate Sunset for the most relatable character in the fic.

Dark Angel: Although this is probably true, she still hasn’t ripped out his vocal cords yet.

SC276: BRING THE NIGHT!



She had other things to consider… especially after the show.



Scarlet: [Sunset] “But are they old enough? Will they be ready if I call their bluff?”



Fluttershy looked up at Rhymey, shyly. “Um… thanks, Rhymey.” she said. Rhymey felt a little shy himself too, but smiled at her. Fluttershy peeked through the curtains at the huge crowd and felt her heart racing with nervous feelings. “What a big crowd! I’m so nervous.” she whimpered.



SC276: That’s like your only character trait here. It’s not news.

Scarlet: I, for one, am shocked that Fluttershy has stage fright.

MrSing: I would make a comment, but I’m just too shy.



Rhymey hated seeing her like this,



SC276: You hate seeing her like anything at this rate.

Scarlet: “Fluttershy, you are so divine/I want to freeze you for all of time.”



and wished there were some way he could help her find the courage she needed without feeling nervous around her himself.



MrSing: “Time to introduce Fluttershy to the wonderful world of liquid courage.”



He started recited



SC276: failed defeated



a poem he made up…



Scarlet: Oh, really? I would’ve thought he’d go with the lyrics of “Walk This Way.”

MrSing: Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

This poem is copyrighted,

Now I can sue you.



“When you weep, it makes me sore,

But to me you will always be so much more

My feelings and faith and heart to you sing,

I believe that you can do anything.”



RJ: Burma Shave.

Topher: Why’d you say burma?

Fallen Prime: He probably panicked.



“Huh?” Fluttershy looked up at him,



SC276: [Fluttershy] “No offense, but, uh, that was the worst poem I ever heard.”

Topher: Mykan, can they PLEASE just bang and get it over with?

Scarlet: No. If they bang, Rhymey’s genes continue. The human race cannot handle such a catastrophe.

MrSing: I don’t want to think about Rhymey rhyming while he’s banging someone.

RJ: … [Rhymey] “Either show me your face or present your butt. I don’t care which, I just want to bust my nut.”

MrSing: What did I JUST SAY!?



and Rhymey suddenly snapped out of his trance and walked away from her, but Fluttershy thought that poem sounded familiar,



MrSing: It reminded her of that time a cat gave birth while on a chalkboard.



and she remembered receiving yet another letter from her secret admirer earlier that week which read the exact same words.



SC276: Author, you literally couldn’t bother to use a poem we had seen before?!

Scarlet: He’s actually expending effort to do work the one time it would have helped for him to be lazy!

MrSing: He’s going the extra mile, only in the wrong direction.

Dark Angel: That’s expected to happen when one is part of the de-evolutionary chain.



Fluttershy’s mouth slowly hung open wide as she watched Rhymey go all the way to the other end of the stage.



SC276: Yeah, that’s an untalkable-across distance. It’s like opposite banks of the Mississippi River.

Topher: Oddly specific.

MrSing: A doctor diagnosed her to be in a coma soon after.

Dark Angel: Please don’t tell me she’s just now realizing Rhymey is her secret admirer. ‘Rhyme’ is in his name for fuck’s sake!



While outside, Lightning and Starla were going over some final last minute rehearsal of their lines, and to practice a couple of their passionate scenes.



SC276: Can we get to the anime ripping-off and stupid sentai-ripoff battle scenes already?!

Scarlet: My favorite arc of Power Rangers was the one where they made a musical for fifteen episodes and maybe fought one monster in the sixteenth.



They even mastered a way to make it look like they were kissing without actually making lip contact.



SC276: Oh fuck you, they’re gonna freakin’ kiss on stage anyway, just watch.

Scarlet: Ew. This fic is the best argument for celibacy ever made.

MrSing: Can they master a way to act without actually being on stage?



“We’re going to be great out there.” Lightning said.



SC276: [Lightning] “I mean I know I will because I’m perfect, but you’ll be a close second. ...Alright, distant second.”



Starla was very excited, but Lightning could tell something else seemed to be bothering her. When he asked her, “Well, I wanted to ask you if you’d go to the Fall Formal with me next week, but I know you can’t.”



Scarlet: [Starla] “And I am in no way saying that because I want to make you feel better about your social awkwardness. This is an entirely genuine desire.”



Lightning knew of the Fall Formal, and had considered it to be interesting,



MrSing: How does one go about falling in a formal way anyway?

Dark Angel: I would say that Mykan could find a way. But I don’t think he can do anything formal.



but regardless it wouldn’t happen until Tuesday, which was five days away,



SC276: *slaps face and twists it* AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH, TWILIGHT LITERALLY HAD ONLY THREE DAYS ON EARTH BEFORE THE PORTAL CLOSED. IF YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE SUNSET STEAL THE CROWN THIS EVENING, THAT MEANS THAT DEMON SUNSET CLOCK THAT’S BEEN TICKING IN THE BACKGROUND FOR THE PAST MONTH GOES OFF WITH THE FALL FORMAL ON EITHER DAY 30 OR 31, YOU ILLITERATE NUT.

Scarlet: Which means that right about now, Twilight should be showing up from Equestria and conquering the cafeteria through the power of catchy music.



and Lightning had only two days left to finish his mission and then he’d be gone… he hoped. “I understand.” said Starla.



“But you know…” Lightning said “If I could stay, maybe I would go with you.



MrSing: Ah, “maybe”. The coward’s “no”.



It sounds like it would be fun.”



Topher: [Lightning] “HA HA I AM INTRIGUED BY THIS ‘FALL FORMAL!’ IT IS SOME FORM OF SOLSTICE ORGY, YES?”



This made Starla smile at him, and he smiled back at her. Suddenly, they were called back, as it was almost curtain time.



Scarlet: [Abra] “Save the flirting for the stage or you get the hose again.”



Professor Abra welcomed everyone and gave the traditional speech,



MrSing: [Abra] “You all suck and I don’t get paid enough for this. Have a nice evening.”



and he explained how Twilight had been replaced at short notice with Fluttershy. Then, it was show time…



Topher: Because NOBODY noticed it when Fluttershy was doing Twilight’s lines, or when she was wearing her make-up and costume, or when they put an insert in the playbill about how Fluttershy replaced Twilight.

SC276: Last I counted before this jump, it was day 23 or so. That’s five days; plenty of time to update everything. Anyways… *cracks knuckles* Let’s do this.



The opening number consisted of the chorus singers, singing and dancing in the streets of town, and eventually leading to the high school



SC276: This takes place at a high school, are you fucking kidding me.

Scarlet: I’m just disappointed that Mykan didn’t add lyrics for this one.

MrSing: I like the idea of the audience awkwardly sitting inside while they wait for the musical to reach the stage.



where Sunset as Rita was introduced, and Fluttershy as the timid and bumbling sidekick, Evelyn, who didn’t sing and dance much but just acted rather cowardly and nervous, just as her character was supposed to be.



Scarlet: “Did I mention that Fluttershy is both cowardly and nervous? I feel I haven’t said that yet.”



Then, the spotlight fell on Starla as the beautiful, but unhappy Michelle, singing a number of how she wished she could be as talented as Rita, if she weren’t so shy and lacking confidence.



Scarlet: Loathing. Unadulterated loathing.

MrSing: Who needs character traits when you can just make half the cast shy?



Basic story; Rita was a mean girl, and letting her fame and popularity always going too far to her head, feeling she could do whatever she wanted to whomever she wanted.



Scarlet: ~there are two kinds of men and only two! There’s the one stays put in his proper place and the one with his boot in the other’s face!~

MrSing: 1984: the musical.

Dark Angel: It’s a bad knock-off of Equestria Girls performing a bad knock-off of Equestria Girls.



She wasn’t very nice to anyone, and was especially harsh to Evelyn, but especially mean to Michelle



SC276: Well, which is it? That’s a very crucial conjunction.

Scarlet: Mykan lost an ‘and’ while writing. Being a massive ass himself, he had a surplus of “buts”. Not a big mystery.



whom she enjoyed taunting and ridiculing, only further disheartening her from achieving her dream.



SC276: My dream is that Mykan has some plot element that isn’t boring, poorly-researched, and/or predictable, and not undo it in the next chapter.

Scarlet: Truly, the most fantastical of dreams.



Michelle tried to audition for school recitals, but she seemed to fumble about and make a fool of herself, unbeknownst that Rita had made Evelyn rig the floor and Michelle’s shoes making it hard for her to dance and keep up, which was how she always ensured her own victories when auditioning.



SC276: How the hell do you do that without also sabotaging the other auditioners and also yourself? Without getting caught?

Scarlet: The plot twist is that Evelyn is a witch.

MrSing: Giant electromagnet and steel shoes. It’s easy when you are a supervillain.



After running off in embarrassment, and sitting alone in the woods,



SC276: Because this is actually Hogwarts or something?

Scarlet: “You’re a musical prodigy, Harry.”



she met traveling singing duo, Dylan, a handsome young singer, dancer, and natural-born choreographer,



SC276: “Natural-born”? Debatable.

Scarlet: We’ve replaced Lightning Dawn with a young Bob Dylan for your amusement.



and his piano playing, equally as talented sidekick Cyrus, who always spoke in rhyme.



Dark Angel: You know, if Dylan wasn’t a rhyming role, Rhymey wouldn’t have a part. And so when Twilight couldn’t do the play, there would’ve never been a play.

SC276: Because fuck the readers.

Scarlet: We have also replaced Rhymey with a tape recorder that spouts only horrible couplets.

MrSing: Hey, Rhymey suddenly seems a lot more likeable now that he has an off switch.

Dark Angel: Knowing our luck, the off switch is broken.



Both had never gone to high school, and made a living by drifting form town to town performing on the road dance and musical shows for money.



SC276: [Dylan] “Stay in school, kid. This is a miserable life. Most of the jobs are in the tech fields.”

MrSing: Don’t follow your dreams: the musical.

Topher: So.. High School: The musical? Wait that’s already a thing.



They demonstrated by performing one of their favorite song and dance acts “Moses Supposes” right before her.



SC276: Moses Who-whatsa?

Scarlet: This isn’t going to end well, is it?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tciT9bmCMq8



(Skip to 1:11)



Topher: STAND BACK EVERYONE, I’M GOING IN! *clicks link*OH GOD IT’S A SONG CONSISTING OF NOTHING BUT RHYMIES! Also, you really couldn’t come up with your own song?

SC276: Mykan, you can link in the middle of a bloody video, you’re killing me here.

Scarlet: Apparently the author of this play-within-a-story has never heard of “copyright infringement”. And it’s Mykan, so there you go.

MrSing: Why write a good story when you can just link to Youtube?



It was their hope to one day become superstars to earn a better by showing the world they made it their own way.



SC276: One they will never achieve, because this play’s narrative is as poorly thought out as the fic’s.

MrSing: If only they could overcome their terrible disability that prevented them from singing anything but copyrighted songs.



A budding friendship slowly began between them, especially Dylan and Michelle. They begin the meet in secret and the boys helped to teach Michelle how to be a better dancer and singer. One of Rhymey’s numbers was “Make ‘em laugh!”



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SND3v0i9uhE



Topher: You couldn’t even come up with more than one musical to lift songs from?

SC276: And not even a play musical at that.

Scarlet: Funny, that’s the one thing Rhymey CAN’T do.



One of Lightning and Starla’s duets was a musical number telling her to try and be happy



SC276: [Lightning] “Be glad us greater lifeforms are gracing you lowly canons with our presence.”

MrSing: Telling an anxious person to be happy is as effective as telling someone with a broken leg to walk it off.



which would really help her.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJzYKm1_Bvo



Topher: 1. WHAT. 2. What is this guy’s obsession with Gene Kelly?

SC276: Jerry, what are you doing here? You’d rather be in Tom’s stomach than this story, trust me!

Scarlet: At that moment, Starla metamorphosed into a Mouse.



“Will you try…?”



“If you’ll show me…”



“I’ll show you.”



“I’ll try.”



Topher: This was when the show took a turn for the risque.



“Good! One two three four…”



“One two three four…”



Scarlet: Is this my cue to do the theme song lyrics thing again?



“One two three…”



Scarlet: Yeah, it’s my cue.

MrSing: Finally a fic that learns people how to count.



“One two three…”



Scarlet: But you know what? I refuse.



“Tra-la-la-la-la-la…”



“Tra-la-la-la-la-la…”



Scarlet: No audience should ever be subjected to unironic “tra-la-la-la-la-la”.

MrSing: Lightning’s parent’s have left the stadium.



“You see?”



“It’s easy!”



The two danced magnificently across the stage making the audience Woo and Awe in astonishment.



MrSing: I think they accidentally set off the fire alert.



“Look at me, I’m dancing!” cried Michelle, and when the dance finished up the audience cheered for joy.



Topher: Yaaaay.

SC276: You’re having your character sub in for a cartoon mouse, author.

Scarlet: The plot twist is that Sunset pops out of the wings to push her off the stage.



Michelle had become a much better performer, and entered many auditions, even doing better than Rita, even when she tried sabotaging things.



Topher: Evelyn even managed to avoid Rita’s assassination attempt!

Dark Angel: Now if Rita had hired Topher to assassinate, they’d be dead by now.



Rita grew suspicious of this and sent Evelyn to spy on Michelle, eventually discovering the boys and her private lessons. Rita began to plot to break it up and maybe take Dylan all for herself so he could teach her how to dance and sing greater than ever.



SC276: BRING ON THE FUCKING FIGHTING!!

Scarlet: Now call me crazy, but I think the plot of this musical might be vaguely connected to some of the stuff Sunset Shimmer has been doing so far!

Dark Angel: As I said earlier. It’s a bad Equestria Girls knock-off putting on a performance of a bad Equestria Girls knock-off.



This was where Rhymey and Fluttershy began to act together, and surprisingly, they both had completely forgotten about being nervous when they kept in mind that the show had to go on,



SC276: As well as Mykan’s inane plot.

Scarlet: *puts on top hat* ~The show must go on!~

MrSing: Nothing like pressure to stop someone from being anxious.

Dark Angel: Actually, you’d be surprised how well someone can perform when they take on a different role. Granted Fluttershy’s role is of a bad Fluttershy knock-off.



and they did beautiful jobs.



Evelyn intended to meet up with Dylan, an accidental on-purpose bump into,



Topher: Following the pattern of every character interaction in this story.



but she got so nervous that she ended up meeting Cyrus instead.



SC276: How is that even supposed to work?

Scarlet: The end of every nervous breakdown is Rhymey.

MrSing: Have you’ve ever been so clumsy that you accidentally date the wrong guy?



She looked lost and scared, which helped her put on the act, and helped her get closer to the boys and stuff,



Topher: Every time an author uses the phrase “and stuff” a little piece of the art of storytelling dies, and we’ll never get it back.

Scarlet: *weeps gently*

MrSing: *Makes a riff and stuff*

Topher: *Shoots MrSing in the head, slams his face into a bear trap ripping out part of his brain, douses him in kerosene, sets him on fire, and shoves white-hot tungsten slivers under his fingernails. Proceeds to chuck the body into a nearby vat of acid.*

MrSing: You forgot the “stuff” part.

Dark Angel: At least “and stuff” is better than something like “yada yada yada”.



and learning their secrets and moves which she gave back to Rita, which she used to win over auditions again.



SC276: How many fucking plays is this school having?! And why is there a high school play about high school plays?! This is even more fucking uninspired than I thought it would be, and that’s a fucking accomplishment!

Scarlet: So in other words, Mykan? We respect your commitment to being shit.

MrSing: Art imitates life, crap just rips it off.

Dark Angel: So this fic is crap putting on a performance that’s crap? I knew there was a reason why I referred to this as a shitfic.



Eventually she followed Evelyn to the boy’s campsite, jumped right out while the boys were giving lessons to Michelle, and offered the boys a deal, if she,



MrSing: Something something offer they can’t refuse.



Rita, could become a big super singing star, she’d mention about the boys and ensure them that they would get that life they desired, as tempted as the boys were, they didn’t trust Rita one bit, as she seemed just as nasty as Michelle had said.



SC276: That’s like three sentences, author.



She tried to put the moves on Dylan, but he wasn’t interested in her, as he already had somebody else in mind; Michelle.



MrSing: “I meant Cyrus. Wait! Damnit, I meant Cyrus! No no! I meant Michelle. Yeah, Michelle.”

Dark Angel: And the sanity of the riffers continue to drop.



All the time they spent together, she was becoming more than just a friend as he began to show it by singing to her...



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqsrVQfNYPc



Topher: This has been going on for several pages now. Who wants to bet that this has little to no point for existing other than a plot point that could occur in any other setting?

SC276: Mykan already said the play didn’t matter worth shit. That just makes it even more “why won’t it end.” ALMOST SUNDOWN, HURRY UP!

Scarlet: You know, I’m actually disappointed he hasn’t ripped off any of this from High School Musical yet.

MrSing: It would sure be a shame if someone went back and changed all the links to Death Metal and Grunge songs.



This made Rita angrier



MrSing: Stating how characters feel without subtlety made MrSing even angrier.



and she was determined to ruin Michelle’s happiness for good.



Topher: So she killed all of her friends and made Michelle watch.

Scarlet: [Rita] “Your dancing relies too much on jazz squares!”

Dark Angel: Has anyone noticed that the characters in the play don’t have any pony related names?



So she continued to use Evelyn to sneak dancing tips from the boys, but Evelyn wasn’t sure she wanted to anymore, or even be Rita’s servant.



Scarlet: ~She grew out her legs, then she was a he/he said “hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.~

MrSing: Evelyn is a butler? Looks like we got our prime murder suspect, boys.

Dark Angel: It was Evelyn, in the bathroom, with the candlestick.



For she was starting to take a likeness to Cyrus, and he felt the same towards her, but still had no clue she was working for Rita, neither did Dylan, but Rita blackmailed Evelyn to remain loyal to her by threatening to expose her as the little sneak she had been.



SC276: You mean the one that you forced her to be?

Scarlet: [Rita] “If you take one step out of line, I’ll tell them that you infiltrated their lessons to get better at dancing!”



Evelyn had no choice but to comply.



Things really began to heat up between Michelle and Rita as they continued to compete against one another, especially as they had both been chosen to audition for the royal English dance academy that would make them international stars if they got in,



SC276: I thought they were in high school, what the fuck is even going on anymore.

Scarlet: And somehow this musical still has a more coherent plot than the story it’s a story within!



but thanks to Evelyn playing the rat, Rita managed to get loads of good moves form the boys, leaving Michelle having a very hard time to compete with her,



SC276: They have the exact same moves, what?!

Scarlet: Not true. She knows the secrets of stuff dancing.

MrSing: “ We purposely trained Michelle to dance wrong, as a joke.”



but the judges couldn’t decide which girl was more deserving. Prompting Rita to cheat having Evelyn sabotage Michelle’s shoes again by waxing them and making them slippery,



SC276: The wax goes on the top, author.



and causing her to slip and fall all over herself, really hurting her chances of being chosen.



Scarlet: [Michelle] “Hmmm, these shoes appear to be ridiculously shiny! I see absolutely nothing the matter with using them!’

MrSing: Her shoes shined so brightly they blinded the judges, disqualifying her immediately.



Then things went from bad to worse as Rita, feeling she had already won, made an announcement to the judges,



MrSing: “I want to thank the ‘Wax and Shoes’ company for making this victory possible.”



thanking Dylan and Cyrus for teaching her all the moves she had learned.



SC276: Gheeze, this character is even more of a Mykan villain than the Mykan villain.

Dark Angel: Hell, I’d say she’s a more interesting villain too. How is it that Rita is more Sunset Shimmer than Sunset Shimmer?



Making Michelle feel that Dylan had betrayed her, resulting in a falling out, and worse off Evelyn, out of shame and guilt, confessed to Cyrus what really happened, leaving Cyrus horrified and shocked to discover that she was Rita’s little rat the whole time,



Scarlet: I like to think that whenever we get a run-on in the narration, Mykan is babbling out everything like a seven year old who’s just seen a giant robot cartoon for the first time.



leading him to no longer trust her seeing what was happening to Dylan and Michelle.



MrSing: Boy, this sure is how writing feelings works.



He wouldn’t even give her a chance to explain and just stormed off leaving Evelyn hurt and in tears.



SC276: Boo. Fucking. Hoo.



It was a long act of sad and betrayed faces,



MrSing: :(

Dark Angel: I certainly can’t argue with the description of it being ‘long’.



and Michelle was ultimately deciding to quit dancing feeling no one had any confidence in her, but finally Evelyn couldn’t take another moment of this, and began to pull some strings of her own,



Topher: As the garotte tightened around Rita’s neck, a single tear ran down Evelyn’s cheek as her captor/lover’s body went limp in her arms.

Scarlet: Topher, I am suddenly attracted to you in ways I cannot explain.

Topher: It’s because I put actual effort into that sentence, isn’t it?

Scarlet: That and romantic murder makes me happy.

Dark Angel: You two are expressing love completely wrong. You’re supposed to say how you feel in a play. Haven’t you learned anything from this fic?

Topher: NO! You can’t just write how your characters feel! THAT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY!



having found her courage to stand up to others as Cyrus had taught her all through the play, eventually turning to Cyrus for extra help and guidance. At first he wasn’t very open with her for the way she hurt him, but when she mentions of the way that she can help Dylan and Michelle, and even him, he agreed to help her.



Scarlet: [Cyrus] “I know you’ve betrayed us in the past/but I can’t say no to dat ass.”

MrSing: Hormones simultaneously ruin and save the day once again. Also, that’s a terrible rhyme/excellent Rhymey impersonation.



They both talked to Dylan, and he was in on it too,



MrSing: Glad we resolved that conflict in half a sentence.



but the biggest problem they had was getting Michelle to consider rejoining, and she was still acting stubborn and refused to believe a word they said, but Evelyn spilled the beans on how Rita had been cheating all this time with the wax shoes, and she also wanted to get back at her for all her pushing. Michelle agreed to do it.



SC276: ...I forgot, did Rita join the academy? And thus took away all reason for her to even deal with the rest the plot?

Scarlet: Nah, she apparently villain monologued, thinking she’d be chosen.



Before long, the final, really grand audition had begun with members for the board of the royal academy judging for themselves to determine who the best was.



SC276: Apparently not. Where’s the fucking ending already?!

Scarlet: Oh, about fifteen thousand words in. *rimshot*



Rita went first, and she did well at the start, but during her next performance she slipped and skidded down. That was when the others came out on stage and exposed her as the cheater she was, and a horrid blackmailer.



SC276: Somehow.

Scarlet: [Dylan] “~OBJECTIOOOOOOON~”



Evelyn even presented the judges with all the lists and plots of Michelle’s dealings including the moves she had stolen form the boys which were really taught to Michelle, as Dylan publicly announced.



SC276: And the judges believe them because main characters.



The crowds and the judges applauded for Michelle, and booed at Rita,



MrSing: “And then the whole train applauded.”



even throwing things at her and forcing her to run off in embarrassment,



MrSing: Good thing they always keep and emergency cache of rotten tomatoes at hand.



and the judges let Michelle have her fair turn, but she only would if Dylan would join her, and they performed their Lucky Star number.



SC276: I only know Lonely Rolling Star.

Scarlet: ~At three centimeters! It’s getting kinda hot in here- chill!~



Evelyn and Cyrus joined with them, and in the end, all four of them had received acceptations into the royal dance academy to become famous.



Topher: What, no YouTube link for a Gene Kelly song?

Scarlet: ~I can’t wait to wear my summer uniform, cuz it’s cute!~

MrSing: “I have a degree in famousology!”



Michelle felt she owed Dylan her life, while he insisted he owed her his life for him and Cyrus make their dreams come true as well.



Scarlet: I propose we resolve this by killing them both.



The final musical number was of the four friends having graduated from the royal dance academy with flying colors, and becoming real worldwide super stars,



SC276: Stop projecting, author.

Scarlet: And while we’re at it, sun? Could you stop setting for a bit?



but really all Dylan and Michelle seemed really deem worth it all was each other, and kissed before everyone. Cyrus and Evelyn had become a couple too…



Scarlet: Rita was paired with every single one of the judges in order to ensure that no central character was left unshipped.



…the only difference was Fluttershy actually kissed Rhymey herself. No play acting, and whispered to him she now knew he was her admirer, and she was willing to give it a chance if he wanted to.



SC276: Hooray, the subplot between the cardboard cutout and the character literally no one likes is over. CAN THEY START SLUGGING IT OUT NOW PLEASE.

Scarlet: I agree. This is about forty percent less anime than I like my Mykan, and the remaining anime was all injected by my Lucky Star reference earlier.

Dark Angel: Yes. Fluttershy now knows that Rhymey, the one person who always speaks in rhymes and has rhyme in his name was the one who was sending her poems. MY DEAD GOLDFISH WOULD’VE CAUGHT ONTO THAT SOONER!!! *sticks a target on Fluttershy and Rhymey* Hey Topher, want some target practice?

Topher: Not yet, I’m saving my bullets for the end when they’re all together.

…



MrSing: Even the narration doesn’t know how to respond to this.



The play had ended, and the crowds cheered like crazy.



MrSing: I know this story almost drove me crazy.

Dark Angel: What do you mean by “almost”?



Professor Abra never had felt such glee in his life.



Dark Angel: DAMNIT MYKAN! We don’t have to add in Glee as one of the zillion crossovers this fic is of!



Grandruler and Luna were very proud of the students, and Celestia, having seen the whole thing, especially with the couples and their difficulties, made start her feel a little different inside.



SC276: That would be your soul dying.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “That is the last time I eat Chipotle pre-performance.”

MrSing: Is Grandruler like his legal birth name or did he change it when he got the job?



The first steps to helping her get over her issues.



SC276: It took ya five days to start on that?!

Dark Angel: The next step would be to escape from this Mykanfic as fast as you can.



She felt maybe she was ready start changing, but didn’t know how to prove it to her sister or Grandruler.



SC276: How about you actually change then?

Scarlet: ~Something hasn’t changed within her! Something is still the same~



The students gathered on stage to take the final bow, only Sunset wasn’t present, and she was said to have been seen heading out the door after she had walked off stage after her final scene.



MrSing: “Where will you be when diarrhea strikes?”



“Her loss…” Lightning whispered to Starla, and she sniggered softly.



SC276: And we’re back to this again.

Scarlet: [Sunset] “Oh right, I did have a whole evil plan to go complete, didn’t I? I’m just going to jump through the portal, steal Twilight’s crown, and- how do I know to do this again?”



Indeed, Sunset had rushed outside, and could hear all the cheering inside. “Huh! Enjoy it while you can…” she hissed,



MrSing: Snakeset Shimmer.



and then she gazed up at the full moon, and saw a small glowing of light coming from the statute in the front of the school yard. “I’ll be back, Canterlot High, and when I return, you’ll all regret you ever messed with Sunset Shimmer!” then she jumped right at the statue,



MrSing: Headfirst into the concrete.



and actually disappeared.



Topher: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THIS LONG, TEDIOUS, OVERBLOWN PARAGON OF DRUDGERY… SERVED ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE. I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT. ALL THAT BUILDUP, ALL THAT BOREDOM, FOR NOTHING!

SC276: Oh my god I was actually bored from that. Now that we’re done with this dumb subplot, can we get back to the Equestria Girls ripoff we came for?

Scarlet: Oh, it served one purpose- Rhymey slobbered over Fluttershy. Who was replaced by Coco Pommel.



ACT TWELVE





The actors received so many positive and great reviews for the play,



SC276: Extra extra, read all about it! Play so boring it hypnotized its audience into thinking it was good!

Scarlet: They mean “great reviews” in the sense that the reviews were comedy gold. It was agreed that the play was terrible.



and Principal Luna was very proud of her students, as was Grandruler, but the two of them couldn’t help but notice Celestia slip quietly out and off the premises and drove off in her car.



Scarlet: Damn it, Celestia! I told you to invest more points in sneaking at character creation!

MrSing: I wish I could silently drive away from this fic.



Grandruler felt like going after her and maybe talk it over, but he stopped himself remembering this was for Celestia’s own good. He just didn’t know if he could trust her… though he really wanted to.



SC276: We care even less about this pairing than we do about the one that just hooked up.



Nobody had a clue of where Sunset had gone, and couldn’t find her anywhere, but decided maybe it was better she wasn’t there and wouldn’t be hogging all the glory for herself, but easily what everyone seemed to like the most was that Rhymey and Fluttershy had officially become a couple;



Scarlet: Mykan’s characters have weird fucking taste.



Rhymey being exposed as Fluttershy’s admirer, and they went out to get a milkshake together.



SC276: Isn’t it the middle of the night? What place that serves milkshakes would even be open?

Scarlet: Ah, the romantic ambiance of the local McDonalds.

Dark Angel: Because “product placement”! Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, this fic has been churning my stomach. That is why I always bring Pepto Bismol with me. It’s the best at relieving acid heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea.

MrSing: Where did all this money suddenly come from?

Topher: I don’t know. *Drinks a can of coca-cola*



Rhymey gazed back at Lightning and winked at him in thanks for helping him, and Lightning gave him a thumb up.



Scarlet: Please refrain from imagining where the thumb went up.

Dark Angel: DAMNIT! If you hadn’t have said anything, I wouldn’t have imagined what I did!



The rest of his friends huddled around him and Starla expressing their reviews of the performance, even Flash commended Lightning. “You are indeed a young man of mystery, Lightning Dawn. I like that in a person.” he said seriously.



Scarlet: Bow-chicka-bow-bow~

MrSing: Everybody gets paired off. No exceptions!



Lightning narrowed his eyes at him, and the others began to catch on. “Good luck at the big game tomorrow.” said Flash, and he left. Lightning kept his eye on him until he was out of sight.



Scarlet: And so far, Mykan continues to be the only person shipping these two harder than I am.



“So, he’s in on the evil plot too, is he?” asked Buddy.



Lightning nodded.



MrSing: Even Lightning knows that anyone that gives Lightning a sincere compliment can’t be any good.



“Man, I should’ve known that dude had something to hide.” said Artie.



SC276: [Mykan] “The fandom has to hate him for some reason, and this is the only possible explanation!”

MrSing: “Flash is like if Blueblood had actually stolen someone’s waifu.”



“I say we rush him now.” said Dyno. “Si,



MrSing: That’s Spanish for yes.



we’ll make him talk and get him to spill the beans of what he’s up to.” added Myte, but Lightning disagreed. He was still more than certain that Flash was responsible for putting Twilight in the hospital, and he didn’t want anyone else to get hurt.



SC276: You’ve got a meat shield the size of the entire damn school. Besides, if it’s one of you guys getting hurt, I’m all for that.

Scarlet: In fact, several of us might be willing to assist.

MrSing: Hang on, I think I have a knife somewhere.

Dark Angel: I vote that we send in Rhymey first. Then once he’s eliminated, we send in Topher to actually kill him.



“Whatever he and his crazy mother are up to, they’re bound to do it after the game, tomorrow night.”



SC276: What about during the game? Ever thought of that?

Scarlet: What, are you insane? Sapphira would never go so far as to interrupt a ball game! She barely goes far enough to keep her presence and identity secret!



…



The next evening,



SC276: Night of the 29th Day, 36 Hours Remaining



everyone gathered at the Canterlot Arena in town for the grand basketball game of the Crystal Empires and the Canterlot Wondercolts.



SC276: OK, +1 point for just cutting to the action, -1 point for an outdoor basketball game, -3 points for skipping over how pony!Twilight comes into this, -5 for Crystal High’s team name, and -50 for Mykan dragging us through that play to get here.

Scarlet: Final score- minus fifty-seven. Sentence: death.

Dark Angel: My math says it’s minus fifty-eight.

Scarlet: I subtracted an extra point for Rhymey existing.



Rainbow, still unaware of the truth of the matters behind the game,



SC276: Good for her. I wouldn’t want to know either.



was very relieved that Lightning was back on the team, but shocked when he had requested to play in the second half of the game. “But we need you out there now!” cried Rainbow “We won’t stand a chance without you.”



Scarlet: [Rainbow] “Also you can dunk on these guys effortlessly, it makes no sense to save you until we’re getting our asses kicked!”



“Trust me…” Lightning said “This just could work. It’s an old strategy, even you should know of it.”



Rainbow did know of it; they just played weakly for the first half so Lightning could get a good look at the players and their style, let them get ahead, and then come at them with everything they had.



SC276: You are literally a superhuman, you don’t need strategy!

Scarlet: Also, couldn’t he do that during the match?

MrSing: Ah, the good ol’ “I was only pretending to be retarded” tactic.

Dark Angel: Also, wasn’t Flash gonna play on the other team? And what if he’s thinking the same way?



Rainbow still didn’t think it cool to let Lightning do that, especially as she was team captain, but she ultimately trusted Lightning’s plan.



Scarlet: [Rainbow] “Meh, integrity, shmitegrity. It’s what Lightning wants that really matters!”

MrSing: If only the captain had any kind of authority.

Dark Angel: The problem with that logic is that Lightning is the team admiral. Mykan has him outranking everyone already anyway.



Lightning hoped he was doing the right thing, he couldn’t afford any mess-ups. The transport gem had only thirty-six hours of power left.



SC276: THAT WAS A LUCKY GUESS. Also, it’s apparently taking place at 6 PM; I paid no attention to high school sports, so will someone inform me if that’s a usual sort of time for a high school basketball game?

Scarlet: Based on my old high school soccer games- yes.

SC276: LUCKY GUESS, AUTHOR!



If he didn’t get the Rainbow Rod



MrSing: Rainbow Rod? Seriously? Seriously.

Dark Angel: Yes. Lightning has a fetish for a male version of Rainbow Dash and grabbing his “rod”.



back and soon, he’d be trapped on Earth forever, but he didn’t want to think about only that, he needed to concentrate on the game.



The arena was packed with loads of students from both schools, and school staffs, and families, and some civilians too,



SC276: I hate when Mykan uses the word “civilians.” It just reinforces the idea that he has no idea what he’s doing.

Scarlet: I like to think that he writes everything while playing with plastic army men.

Dark Angel: That’s just stupid. Plastic army men are too mature for Mykan.



including Celestia, whom once again had come with her shades and scarf over her hair to not be recognized,



MrSing: She wears her sunglasses at night, so she can, so she can, watch the fanfiction in her eyes.

Dark Angel: She wears her sunglasses at night so that she DOESN’T have to see this fanfic.



but it obviously didn’t work, as everyone already could tell it was her because of her multi-color striped hair,



Topher: Which we just established was covered up.



but just decided to let her have her space and didn’t sit near her.



SC276: Causing her to sit in the center of a circle of non-crowd, like that one comic from Brawl in the Family.



The students could see her from their seats, and so could the players; She looked so alone, so miserable, and full of remorse.



MrSing: Maybe she’s sad because she can’t see the game with those shades on?



Grandruler and Luna could see her and both felt increasingly guilty and remorseful themselves, but again were forced to hold back until Celestia could prove she was willing to change.



SC276: Get to the bloody Stu winning the game already, story.



Sapphira was sitting on the opposite side of the arena and could see all the long faces,



MrSing: I could have made a really unfunny joke here if they were still ponies.

Dark Angel: Hell, if Sunset Shimmer was here, you could make that joke.



but they were of no concern to her.



Scarlet: And so good will always win, because evil gloats until the last possible moment.



“Tonight is the night.” she thought wickedly “It matters not of who wins the game, in the end the real prize shall be mine and my wicked plot can begin at last.”



Topher: [Sapphira] “I need to get that rod into my plot!”

MrSing: Buzz off Rhym-, I mean Sapphira.



Lightning’s friends all sat together, and Krysta was watching from the giant sunroof. “This is it.” she said softly, and soon the game was on.



SC276: Oh boy, here we go.

MrSing: Why make funny comments when you can link to AWESOME REMIXES!?



The Empires were just as brutal and fierce as they were rumored to be. They were taller than any of the wondercolts, making it easier to keep the ball out of reach and shoot long distances, earning them a big lead in the first period.



SC276: Hofstra came out of the locker room… I have never seen guys so big before in my life. They had just brought eleven guys with them. Smallest guy on the squad was 6’1”, 490 pounds. It was a halfback. Ran a hundred and nine-one, had long teeth hanging out of his mouth. Every one of them just had one eye in the center of their forehead.

Scarlet: And Topher was beating them with an iron ball.

MrSing: Some of these players had been in high school for ten years and had served in the marines as extracurricular activities



They were also very fast runners and dribblers, and even had dirty ways of playing, but not cheating or fouling, which helped them get even more points,



Scarlet: I refuse to believe that Mykan remotely knows anything about Sportsball.

MrSing: Ain't no rules that say the opposing team’s dog can't play basketball.



and despite numerous protests by the crowds, the referees assured everyone that there was no foul or penalty.



SC276: Hmm… I suppose Flash wouldn’t be on the opposite team after all. That would actually make things interesting.



Still, the Wondercolts wouldn’t give up and played with all their might, eventually making a least up to half of what the Empires had by halftime, but lots of people were starting to feel disheartened that the Wondercolts had already lost.



Scarlet: Meanwhile, of course, Flash and Lightning had not been using the game as a distraction while substituting replacement bling for the Rainbow Rod.



The team was looking gloomy as they went back to the locker room, but it was all just an act. Lightning had seen everything and figured this was all child’s play to him.



SC276: Since when has it not?

MrSing: They are high schoolers. It actually is literally child’s play.



Coach Penny and Rainbow agreed; now it was time to get serious.



Scarlet: I pay one gauge, drawing two cards from my deck! *crickets* ...yeah, that one was a stretch even for me.



The reserve players, Lightning and Rainbow rushed out onto the court. The students of Canterlot cheered like crazy now that their secret weapon had come out,



MrSing: I’m sure a shotgun is very effective, but it’s still against the rules.



but the Empires, not knowing a thing of what they were in for,



SC276: Yeah, right. Their principal did not think to tell her own team that they’re playing against Superman?

Scarlet: [Sapphira] “Proactively preparing for or removing obstacles? That’s for high school students who overhear conversations, not the main character!”



simply laughed and mocked the Wondercolts, practically insisting they just hand them the trophy. “The game’s not over until it’s over.” Lightning said.



SC276: That is not nearly as badass as you think it is.

Scarlet: As soon as he said it, the final buzzer rang. Just to spite him.

MrSing: It’s not over yet, Snake!



The ref blew his whistle and the game was on again. He threw the ball way up high, the Empires stood ready to grab it, but Lightning leapt way up high catching it, much to the astonishment of the Empires and the crowd.



Scarlet: “Oh my god! He has legs!”

MrSing: Fuck, what button do I press to jump again?



The Empires’ coach could hardly believe what he saw. Next, Lightning landed on his feet and rapidly dribbled the ball that it made the Empires dizzy. Lightning then zipped right past them, still dribbling, made it to the basket and leapt up over it making a perfect slam-dunk.



Topher: Well, as long as I have the opportunity to say it. BOOMSHAKALAKA!

SC276: One, obviously he’s dribbling while zipping, that’s how freakin’ basketball works. Two, why isn’t this happening at one side’s court again? It’s high school basketball, not the Quidditch World Cup.

Scarlet: ~Why is James crying? (‘cuz he just got dunked on!) I ain’t even lying (Yo he just got dunked on!)~

MrSing: CHAOS DUNK INBOUND!



The Empires got their game faces back on and looked ready to play tough, but it was no use.



MrSing: If you can’t slam with the best, jam with the rest.



Lightning made several more baskets thanks to his magnificent skills-- he ran from one side of the court to the other end in the wink of an eye;



MrSing: Then physics happened and his clothes bursted into flames from the air friction.



he made far shots with tremendous accuracy and distance, and intercepted the ball with his jumps or super speed.



SC276: Yawn…

Scarlet: You act like the fight scenes won’t be exactly as stupid.



He also gave the other players the chance, passing them the balls while all the Empires foolishly surrounded him in attempt to stop him, making it easier for the other players to make perfect baskets, with their opponents distracted.



SC276: ~They move around as sporadic as mechanical crackheads...~



The Wondercolts were catching up, and the Empires’ coach, outraged, waltzed up to the ref and snapped “Hey! Are you blind? That kid is big time doing something illegal here.”



Topher: [Coach] “I’m not even talking about the rules of basketball! That kid is clearly on something!”



but the ref angrily insisted “Look, Coach, nowhere in rulebook says anything about jumping too high or running so fast. Now sit down!”



SC276: Guys, help me get through the fourth wall here so we can fix that!

Scarlet: Sorry, the ritual for that requires the blood of a virgin. I’m fresh out.

Topher: Where’s that Dark Angel guy?



Soon it was the end of the fourth and final period, and thanks to Lightning the score was tied, and with one minute to go.



Topher: So just enough time to score a hundred or so more baskets?



Everyone seemed overjoyed that Canterlot was going to win for sure, all thanks to Lightning, but this made him start to feel a little uncomfortable as he could hear some of the students in their seats praising him but not caring a bit for the other players, not even Rainbow.



Scarlet: Filthy canons! Go back to your popular children’s cartoon which has captured the hearts of thousands!



This made the other players feel a little bummed out, and some were casting mean looks at Lightning for hogging all the spotlight to himself, despite that they were winning.



SC276: Yeah yeah, nice humble guy that happens to be God-like at everything, we get it, move on already.

Scarlet: Asking Mykan to pick up the pace is like lecturing a stone on proper foot race technique.



Lightning felt terrible, all he wanted was to win the game,



SC276: Technically, you want the trophy. The game is a means to an end.



and suddenly he had an idea of how to put things back in balance.



SC276: He self-destructed.

Scarlet: God that would be awesome. I kind of want to write that scene now.



When the ball was thrown to him and he went for the basket, he deliberately slipped and made it look like he missed and fell hard onto the floor, twisting his ankle. The crowd gasped in horror, and a time out was called.



Topher: Ok, being a glory hog is one thing. Intentionally throwing the game is another.

SC276: And now I’m just waiting for Flash to suddenly come out now that Lightning has done the job of taking out himself.

Scarlet: [Flash] “I see you won’t be playing in the rest of tonight’s game. That means we have the bench all. To. Our. Selves.”



Penny rushed out to the scene, and despite that she couldn’t find any swelling, Lightning put on a very convince act, wincing as she felt along his ankle. “Ouch! That hurts!” he cried.



SC276: Now is a terrible time to stage fright. ...Court fright. Whatever.

Scarlet: ~”I just replaced your mic with a blow up doll! (Stage Fright!)”~

MrSing: Acting!



The players, now feeling sorry for him, graciously helped Lightning to the benches.



Topher: Suddenly, soccer.



Sapphira kept her eye on Lightning as he was being carried, and she wasn’t so sure that was all an accident, but the team sure was, and Rainbow nearly broke out into a panic. “This is a total disaster! We were about to win it all!”



Scarlet: [Rainbow] “How can I, a super-competitive athlete with a knack for inspiring others to be awesome, possibly pull us out of this?”



“Rainbow, calm down.” said Penny, but really she was about an inch away from having a panic attack herself. “You can still win it.” Lightning told them. “You don’t need me out there. Just believe in yourselves, in the team, not just me.”



SC276: [Rainbow] “No, you don’t understand. We all justified slacking off on practice because you were playing. Why did you think we were doing so badly before? This really is a total disaster.”

Scarlet: Flash Sentry steps in for Lightning in three seconds to claim the rod?

MrSing: Believe in the me who believes in cheating.



After a moment of hesitation, the team agreed to give it a try. Lightning was replaced with another player.



SC276: Apparently, no one gives a shit who.

Scarlet: [Other Player] “It’s okay. I’m used to being overlooked. But I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.”



Only twenty seconds were left, and the ref blew his whistle starting the time.



The Empires had the ball and managed to make a basket, putting them two points ahead, and with only ten seconds left, everyone felt their hopes being dashed once again.



Scarlet: [Rainbow] *leaps through the air and grabs the ball dramatically* “Yeah. Rainbow Dashed.”



The Wondercolts only hope now was to make a three-point shot, but Rainbow gazed over at the benches, at Lightning, and he gazed back at her which told her to believe!



SC276: I thought we were past the point where believing was the main moral here.

Scarlet: Oh yeah! We gotta believe!

Dark Angel: You gotta believe!

SC276: ~Para-para-parappaaaaaaaaa~



She nodded at him and stood ready with her team as they got the ball.



Scarlet: [Rainbow] “Your vague condescension fills me with power!”



Thanks to Lightning’s playing, the Empires were all wiped out and tired from their previous plays to try and stop him, which slowed them down just a little, giving the Wondercolts the chance they needed.



Scarlet: Somehow even when he isn’t playing, he’s stealing the glory.



As the Empires surrounded each player trying to steal the ball or prevent the player from passing, the Wondercolts passed the ball back and forth between teammates making their way across the court, and finally Rainbow got the ball and, with only a few seconds left and the Empires charging at her, she made the shot.



Scarlet: [Other Player] “Aw, man! I was useless again.”



The ball bounced off the rim of the basket, and then off the other side, and began to spin around, and around the rim. The final nanoseconds were ticking,



SC276: Pretty sure high score timers aren’t that precise.

Scarlet: Twilight built this one in her spare time. As a joke.

MrSing: HAPPY NEW YEAR! We’re not doing that again? Okay.



and the ball slipped into the basket just in the absolute nick of time, giving the Wondercolts three points, and the win!



Topher: OF COURSE.

SC276: Flash being on the other team would’ve been far more interesting.

Scarlet: Well, what would’ve been interesting would be this being a completely different story anyway.

Dark Angel: Even the play they performed would’ve been a more interesting story. And that was a rip-off of this story, which is a rip-off of Equestria Girls!



The entire arena erupted with the sound of loud and happy cheers, but the Empires and the coach were totally outraged and devastated. For the first time ever, Canterlot had beaten Crystal High.



SC276: Looking at Friendship Games, it’s sorta dumfounding how prophetic some parts of this fic are.

Scarlet: Prophetic? How? This is a high school trope about as old as high school-based stories, and Canterlot never did beat Crystal Prep! The games were unresolved as a result of magical-based metamorphoses!



Luna and Grandruler were overjoyed and were barely able to contain themselves,



Topher: [Grandruler] “Of course I couldn’t contain myself! all those children, running around, hot, sweaty, tight... *pedo noises*”

Scarlet: ...How the hell do you know what a pedophile sounds like?

Topher: They’re usually in the next bush over.



and Celestia… she was very impressed.



SC276: Us, rightly less so.

MrSing: She was impressed with how much money she had lost betting on the wrong team.

Dark Angel: She was even more impressed she found out that nobody bets on high school basketball games.



She turned to gaze up at her sister and Grandruler and they gazed down at her and nodded proudly, and she nodded back,



Scarlet: Do I have to do the Rocky Horror bit again?



and then she got up and left.



MrSing: “That game was bullshit, I’m outta here.”



Grandruler kept his eye on her until she was completely out of sight. Luna put her hand on his shoulder, understanding his pity for her. Grandruler then snapped upright and cleared his throat telling Luna to look professional. It was time to award the winning team the grand prize.



Topher: [Grandruler] “Do I get to give the children my rod now?”

SC276: Sapphira stated earlier that it didn’t matter who won the game, she’d get the Rod anyway. Are we ever going to figure out how or is it going to be so stupid and convoluted, the story has to tell us?

Dark Angel: I’m guessing the latter.



The team and Penny couldn’t stop leaping about and cheering, and Lightning ran out to join them, exposing that he wasn’t hurt at all. “I don’t believe this!” snapped Rainbow. “But I do…” said Lightning “You see what I mean by how believing can be a big help?”



Topher: Wait a minute… No. NO… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SC276: [Rainbow] “I believe that you are a dick!”

Scarlet: [Rainbow] “I decided to believe in the me that believes in me. Not the you who believed in me, or the me who believed in you. I believed in myself!”

MrSing: The ref immediately disqualified them for cheating.



Rainbow and the team understood, and promised to try it out more often, but still all they wanted to do was cheer for joy. “We won! WE WON!!” they all cheered. Lightning’s friends cheered, and so did Twilight’s, forgetting that they were all still mad at each other



Scarlet: Along with the fact that they were entirely ancillary to the plot and could have been ignored for the purposes of this story.



and quickly looked away from one another, and Krysta was flying in circles with glee. “WHEE…!! WHOOPEE!!” she screamed. “I’m so proud of Lightning.”



SC276: Or at least you were right before that sentence.



Soon, the team all stood together, ready to accept the award. Grandruler gave his speech, and expressed his proud feelings towards the team



Scarlet: He was so proud that we’ve omitted the speech itself to avoid summoning demons of arrogance from beyond the veil.



, and his extra Lightning Dawn for showing excellent conduct for his teammates, and allowing Rainbow Dash to make the winning basket.



SC276: [Grandruler] “Anyone wants one like him, you know where to find me! I am literally everyone’s boss.”



“Well done, Lightning. Honor, kindness and believing are things we must carry with us in our minds and hearts all the time.”



Topher: [Grandruler] “Now line up to receive my rod!”

SC276: [Grandruler] “Except when triggering my ex.”



Then, it was time! The grand trophy-- the Rainbow Rod, was lowered from a secret hiding place in the big score displayer box up above the court,



SC276: That’s where you were keeping it? In the thing that super-jumper Lightning could’ve slammed into at any moment?

Scarlet: Topher’s suggestion about smashing the island was always the rational one, here.

Topher: I TOLD YOU SO!



and was slowly being lowered down on wires in a glass dome on a silver platter.



SC276: How could a school district afford-? Oh right, it’s being run by Trump here.

MrSing: The answer to “how” is always “brutal fascism”.



Lightning gazed widely at it. “There is it! I’ve done it!”



Topher: I give it a paragraph before fertilizer hits the weed whacker.



Sapphira saw it too. “It’s time…!” she hissed.



Grandruler grabbed the casing.



Topher: [Grandruler] “I prefer to keep my rod unprotected.”



“On behalf of myself and all the staff of the supreme school council of Mystic Island,



SC276: It’s a school board, not the order of high mages.

Scarlet: Yeah! The order meets in the kindergarten class after hours, not the auditorium!



I am pleased to present this magnificent trophy to this year’s champions, The Canterlot Wondercolts.” but as he prepared to hand over the trophy in its case to Lightning, to everyone’s astonishment, it was gone! The platter was there, but the dome and the rod were gone.



Topher: [Grandruler] “Somebody touched my rod when the lights went out!” I hope something new happens soon, I’m running out of material.

Dark Angel: You should be proud that you could make it this far without running out.



Suddenly, all the lights went out, and all the people were gasping and stammering around in the dark. “Get those lights back on!” shouted Luna.



SC276: Huh. Usually the lights go out first, and then the treasure is stolen.

Scarlet: Welp, back into the reference bag. And… huh. Vocaloid? I can roll with it, me.



When the lights came on again, everyone screamed in horror, for a swarm of strange looking creatures-- Crystallites, were gathered on the court.



SC276: Really? You needed the lights to be out? Instead of just crashing through the wall?!

Scarlet: The Kool-Aid Man’s Union demanded it be so.

MrSing: Hey now, just because they look different from us doesn’t mean we- Oh, they just killed Steve, he’s dead.

Dark Angel: They killed Steve? Nobody kills someone I don’t even know and gets away with it!



“Rainbow couldn’t believe her eyes. “Huh?! “Monsters…? Real monsters…?!”



Topher: AAAAAAAH!



Grandruler dropped the platter in shock “Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?”



Topher: [Grandruler] “A creature even harder than I am right now?”

MrSing: “Usually I have to snort three lines before this happens.”



Sapphira stepped forth snickering wickedly “Take a close look, Earthman.



MrSing: No worries, I bet she hasn’t even beaten Fire Man and Elec Man.



They are the beginning of this world’s end, but the beginning of mine.”



Scarlet: [Sapphira] “They are crystallite gems! They’re here to wreck your day!”



“Sapphira? You’re behind this?!” growled Grandruler. Lightning gazed at him “I told you she was one of them. She’s their empress.”



SC276: How does that make sense?! She’s been exiled to this world for freakin’ years, and Demon Sunset took a direct channel from the Element of Magic; heck, that’s how magic is introduced to this world! Where was she even keeping these?!

MrSing: The same place all convenient plot devices come from.

SC276: ...Up the author’s ass?

Dark Angel: You shouldn’t talk like that, SC! You might attract Grandruler’s attention.



“Yes…” snarled Sapphira and she held up the Rainbow Rod, which she had sneakily snatched,



SC276: Like a sneak thief.

Scarlet: *snaps a chair in half, reflexively*



and used it to transform into her into her Crystallite form, frightening everyone.



SC276: You cannot grasp the true form- no wait, you can, it’s how she looked in chapter 1, and it’s just as stupid.



“Give me back that rod!” snarled Lightning.



“Never!” shouted Sapphira “Long have I waited for this moment, and who knew that I’d be able to take you out as well, Lightning Dawn.” and she explained her plot…



Topher: OH BOY! NAPTIME!

SC276: And the Mykan villain continues to be a Mykan villain. Why could this not be covered before?!

MrSing: “I don’t expect you to die, mister Lightning. I expect you to listen.”

Dark Angel: Sapphira’s gonna talk us to death?! She truly is evil!



Ever since she and her Crystallite army had lost to Starfleet, Sapphira realized she would never be able to rule the Dimensional Universe, even if she eluded capture. After she, her son, and several agents escaped from prison, they came to Earth in the human world, realizing maybe she could conquer and rule it, but unfortunately her magical-powers didn’t function very well in the human world,



Scarlet: So instead they decided to go to a different world, where they might have more- what? They just stayed on earth for god knows how long waiting for Rainbows? Oh ok then.



but she knew the one sort of magic that could not only allow her to change that, but increase her powers ten-fold-- Rainbow Magic! After all, rainbows, light, and crystals made a perfect match.



SC276: *rubs his eyes* OK, one, more goddamn run-on sentences. I mean, I can chain some pretty impressive sentences, but c’mon, they’re almost never two separate sentences spliced together with a comma. Two, depending on how long it took Mykan to write this, Rainbow Power may not have even been hinted at in the show proper yet.

MrSing: We can only hope she never learns about the awesome might of prisms.



Also, in her many years staying in the human world, she had done many things, and hurt many humans to achieve another goal. She had her agents built a satellite in orbit,



Scarlet: Wait you have a fucking satellite at your disposal? Why didn’t you just arm it and threaten orbital bombardment?



which would be powered by her own magic once the Rainbow Rod had been obtained, and with it, she would be able to turn the entire world into a Crystallite world, and turn all the humans into her slaves; [art of the largest empire that ever had existed.



SC276: Three, Grandruler pretty much owns the entire island, the only way you get a kill sat into orbit unannounced was if your actual job on this planet was the CEO of a communication corporation or something. Four, you left your insert note for artwork in which no one would’ve honored anyway.



“With all this power and the many more I shall gain, I will take over the Earth with my massive empire, and then return to crush the dimensional universe. Even your precious Starfleet won’t be enough to stop me this time.”



SC276: Five, “power” does not plural like that. Six, keep your capitalization straight. Seven, why hasn’t Lightning attacked you yet?!

MrSing: Just because she’s a warmongering tyrant doesn’t mean Lightning has to be rude.

Dark Angel: That hasn’t stopped him before.



Lightning clenched his teeth and stood ready for a big brawl. “I won’t let you do this!” and he ran forth to grab the rod from her, but the warriors shielded her and punched him hard seemingly knocking him unconscious.



SC276: But not actually unconscious, he’s just pretending because fuck it it’s Lightning.

MrSing: He wants Rainbow and her team to solve everything again as a confidence building exercise.



“Lightning!” cried Starla. Krysta pounded on the glass roof with her talons. “No, Lightning!”



SC276: There is no way there are no open doors in the midst of this, you freakin’ bird.

Scarlet: No Lightning oh no I’m so worried for you ahhhhh.



He just lay there on the floor, not even moving while Sapphira laughed at him “Pitiful creature. You spent all this time, all this planning, and it was all in vain.”



SC276: Lightning, “plan?”

Scarlet: [Lightning] “Ah… that was the one aspect of… earth human culture… I forgot… to absorb…” *slumps over*



She then turned to leave and begin preparations to activate the satellite cannon; first target, Mystic Island.



Topher: Zzz… *snort* I’m up! I’m up!

SC276: Didn’t you lecture someone for skipping stuff in the last riff?

Scarlet: I think it involved death threats, too.

Topher: It’s adorable that you think my behavior will ever follow a set of logical rules.



She glanced down at Lightning one more time. “As for that one, destroy him. Anyone who tries to help him, destroy them too.” Then she left, and the warriors prepared to kill Lightning for good.



Topher: Come on, don’t fail me this time!

SC276: They will totally fail you now.

MrSing: I think I can see them failing right now over in the distance.



ACT THIRTEEN





The warriors continued to make their way over to Lightning, who was still seemingly lying unconscious on the floor, and the civilians were helpless to do anything about it, and kept well away from those wicked creatures, fearing they were stronger than they looked.



SC276: Given they punched out the superhuman, that’s a pretty reasonable fear. Also, why aren’t they evacuating the stadium? This doesn’t need an audience.

Scarlet: Well, the audience only included “some civilians”. Presumably everyone else was kicking ass.

MrSing: Man, fucking civilians. Why do we keep those guys around again?



“Lightning!” cried Starla. “Get up, man!” shouted Buddy, but Lightning still lay on the floor,



SC276: Why aren’t they trying to get him out of there?!

MrSing: Who even names their child Buddy? Was his father’s name Friend or something?



until those warriors were looming over him, and he swiftly kicked them all away and leapt up onto his feet. “Fool the mind, and the battle is yours.”



Topher: (Suddenly sporting a military helmet) Sun Tzu said that!

SC276: That only works if they have minds! Also, we’ve just established that Lightning can’t be hurt by these guys either, so this is already boring.

MrSing: “I was only pretending to be useless!”

Dark Angel: I don’t think a writer should be writing about “fooling the mind” when the writer has no mind to take reference from.



he said with a smirk, and everyone watched as he fought valiantly against those warriors, knocking some of them unconscious, and forcing them to retreat out of the building.



SC276: Really?! Not even like… three paragraphs of perceived threat?!

Scarlet: Valiantly did he kick over the piles of rocks that presented little threat to him!



“Everybody out!” shouted Lightning, and everyone ran for the exits in near panic,



Dark Angel: And they didn’t do this yet why?



but when they got outside, they found Flash was there waiting for them. “Leaving so soon? I wouldn’t hear of it. My mother’s little party has just begun.”



SC276: I’ve never been much of a party person. Unless it’s a Mario Party. Hell, I’d take playing 8 over this.

Scarlet: The last party I visited was a tea party. This seems more like the punching-people variety.



“Flash Sentry?! You’re in on this too?” asked Luna.



Topher: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!

MrSing: Not Flash! He was the saviour of the universe! Flash! He’d save every one of us!



Flash snickered “Only half correct, Earth-woman.” He laughed loud and wickedly as his body began to glow in pale blue light.



SC276: ~Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale blue light…?~

Scarlet: No. If you’d like to call Mykan over, I’d like a shot at it, though.



“This is getting creepy!” cried Artie as he and everyone saw Flash appear in full Crystallite form, wearing his armor and holding his sword.



SC276: Which he just got out of nowhere because fuck all.

MrSing: Obviously he kept them in his wallet.



The people were just speechless, and felt almost glad Sunset and Twilight were not there to see it.



Topher: ...Well, maybe just Twilight.

SC276: Where is Sunset at this point anyway? Right now, pony!Twilight should be making a bed out of books in the school library.

Scarlet: [Twilight] *looks outside of the library* “...Aaaaaaand… fuck this shit, I’m out.”



“You Earthlings are pathetic as you are practical.



SC276: If a hallmark of humanity is its practicality, you’ve done a terrible job at emulating it.

Scarlet: Theme of the Lightning’s story, really.



One of the first rules of all magic: Things are not always what they seem.”



SC276: No, this is quite clearly a terrible fanfic.

MrSing: I thought the first rule of magic was not to talk about Wizard club?



Lightning clenched his fists and practically growled at him “Where’s your mother?”



SC276: No one ever asks that sort of question. Also, you just now saw her leave.



“Preparing the satellite, of course…” Flash answered.



Topher: We need to make sure everything is ready if we want free HBO!

MrSing: Would downloading shows for free make them space pirates?

…



Sure enough, Sapphira stood atop the tallest building in the city,



SC276: [Mykan] “Huh, what would be the tallest building- beh, I don’t give a fuck.”

Scarlet: Unfortunately the tallest building was only about two stories high, and the roof badly needed refurbishing.



and poised the Rainbow Rod at the sky, infusing it with her own powers and firing it way, way up and charging up the massive satellite causing it to unfold.



SC276: Could this not be done on, like, a helicopter or something?

Scarlet: I summon Satellite Cannon! Now you’re done for, Kaiba!



Soon it would be fully armed, charged up, and ready to fire.



SC276: You mean at the island? That you’re on?

MrSing: Don’t worry, she’s standing on a building. Nothing bad can happen on a building.



Everyone in town just gazed up at the light wondering what it was, unaware of the danger at hand.



Topher: [Bystander] “Is that a dildo?”

SC276: Ooooh, scary light.

MrSing: It’s the Bat Signal!



Flash chuckled wickedly, and then glared at Lightning. Lightning was about to rush at him, when suddenly, “Not so fast!” growled Flash



SC276: Don’t mess with the wolf.

Scarlet: ...Was that an Ace Attorney reference? Can I marry you if so?

SC276: Yes, that was, and… um… I’ll get back to you on that.



“Perhaps it’s time to demonstrate what gift I’ve gotten from the Rainbow Rod.”



SC276: You mean the one you’ve literally gotten in the last five minutes? And have had like no chance to receive?



and his sword began to glow, and several streaks of lightning bolts went into the ground. The ground began to rumble and quake. “What’s happening?!” cried Dyno. “I think we’re about to find out! Look!” cried Myte, as everyone saw two giant Crystallite beasts, with horns, fangs, claws and wings, emerged from the ground.



Topher: [Crystal Monsters] “People of earth! We have seen how you have enslaved our people! The age of pet rocks must end!

SC276: You call that a gift? Crystallite magic is very poorly defined; for all we know, you could’ve done that anyway! And why the fuck aren’t you just punching him?! You literally have the best chance of doing actual damage!



They had to be at least the sizes of small houses,



SC276: How big is this basketball stadium?! How big does Mykan think a basketball stadium is?!

Scarlet: Apparently bigger than the damn school.



with enough to strength to tear up everything in their sights.



SC276: Stated now so you can think they’re a threat when they won’t do anything of actual consequence.

Scarlet: They wreaked so much havoc, oh my god, the havoc, the havoc, they’re just wreaking it everywhere.

MrSing: Ugh, I think some of it got in my mouth.



This was Flash’s plot to keep Lightning distracted. “You could try and stop me and my mother, but then you’ll be letting everyone in the city of this island down.”



SC276: Do you hear yourself talk?



He transferred his two beasts into the city where they began to terrorize everyone.



SC276: Yeah, that makes freakin’ sense. Send the beasts to the same general area as your mom. Somehow.

MrSing: “Tearing down the tallest building is a sure way to strike terror into the hearts of these people.”



“No!” shouted Lightning. The people behind him were frightened and outraged, but virtually helpless.



MrSing: Ugh, civilians.



Not to mention there was still the matter of the crystallite-warriors themselves, now appearing in larger numbers and also scattering about all over the island.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “It suddenly occurs to me that I probably could have avoided all of this by punching you back when I found out you two were the villains!”

[Flash] “Oh come on, pretty boy, you know you wouldn’t bruise this face~”



“What are you going do now?” teased Flash, and he teleported to join his mother.



Topher: Don’t tell me… Gather his friends, have a fight scene that makes Power Rangers look like Kill Bill and pull a deus ex machina out his ass?

SC276: Actually, yeah, that’s probably exactly it.

MrSing: “Because, you know, I’m free to do whatever. If you want to do something.”



There was no way Lightning could handle all this by himself, especially without any powers or backup. “I’m not just going to sit around and do nothing!” Lightning said,



SC276: He’s going to curl into the fetal position.

Scarlet: Cameras are standing by.

MrSing: Good, that’s what we are for.



and despite protests and concerned warnings from all the others, he ran off at super speed towards town, and attacked every single one of the warriors he met along the way. They weren’t too tough to beat,



SC276: Um… duh?

Scarlet: Of course they weren’t! It’s the law of Beat ‘em Ups!



but there were just so many of them, and Lightning was already feeling beat to exhaustion from his previous fights, not to mention the basketball game.



Scarlet: Said previous fights being punching one group of monsters in the stadium, and said basketball game being one where he sat out for more than half and didn’t break a sweat.



If he could only transform into his super suit he’d get a much needed boost of strength.



Topher: [Lightning] “Krysta, Where’s my super suit?”

SC276: [Krysta] “Why do you need to know?!”

MrSing: “It’s still at the cleaners.”



The worst part was those large Crystal Beasts. The people in the city were already evacuating in a panic and trying to get as far away as they could from those monsters trashing the city-- crushing cars, kicking huge holes in the walls of buildings and setting massive fires.



SC276: Pony!Twilight must be exhausted to sleep through this.

Scarlet: Actually, now that I think about it, Sunset just went through the portal. Twilight didn’t follow until the next morning… which means she would’ve shown up on campus, seen the aftermath, and gone “oh fuck this shit, it’s a Mykan fic” and strolled right back to the Crystal Empire.



The local authorities tried to hold up some of the warriors, but their pitiful Earth weapons didn’t even scratch the evil aliens, and they returned fire, injuring a few people in the process.



Topher: MILLIONS ARE JUST STUNNED REALLY DON’T CRY KIDS.

SC276: This is reminding me a little of Saga of Soul, except people actually died and I gave a fuck about it.

Scarlet: The putties are fucking everywhere!



Lightning had never felt so stuck in his life.



MrSing: Eat more fibers, kid.



No matter what he chose, either to get Sapphira, attack the warriors, or fight the big beasts, he couldn’t do it all alone, and people would get hurt.



SC276: Gee, maybe you should’ve brought your entire team, and not just you in a vain and futile attempt to prove you could do Equestria Girls better.

Scarlet: That would require proactive thinking! Nobody in this fic is capable of that!

Dark Angel: If anything, they only plan out something two weeks too late.



Still, he knew he couldn’t just sit and do nothing, and went after the beasts first as they were causing more damages.



SC276: MORE the damages!

Scarlet: Aye, sir! Maximum more-ages!

MrSing: Classic newbie mistake to go for the tank when the high dps mages are charging up their AoE.



He leapt up high and tried to kick them, but they were so big and solid, and his strength cut to less than half,



SC276: Bullshit, guy-seven-times-as-strong-as-Rainbow-without-trying.

Scarlet: He’s following Power Rangers rules. The villains are present, so his ass needs to get kicked for a while. The genre demands it!

MrSing: You fool, they have wings! Fighting attacks do half damage to Flying types! Have you ever even played Pokémon?



he hardly made them flinch, but they did turn to face him and flicked him hard into a wall. He wasn’t hurt much,



SC276: Gripping news.



but things were getting more hopeless for him.



Sapphira and Flash could see everything from the skyscraper roof.



SC276: Oh sure, yeah, now you specify it’s a skyscraper.



“Look at him.” sneered Sapphria “I just love seeing hopeless victims about to be destroyed.”



Topher: [Sapphira] “I’M THE VILLAIN!”

MrSing: “Almost as much as I like volunteering at the homeless centre.”



Flash nodded and watched with glee as the two angry beasts glared at Lightning, who had nowhere to run or jump to, and just as the big beasts prepared to smash him, rocks, bits of metal, and other things bombarded the beasts from behind.



Scarlet: They were entranced by the bullet pattern and obliterated instantly.



It was all of Lightning’s friends from school throwing them.



SC276: Where did they get bits of metal? ...Are they throwing coins at them?

Scarlet: Yeah, Spider-Man’s a New Yorker! You mess with one of us, you mess with all of- oh shit, wrong script.



“Leave him alone, you ugly brutes!” shouted Starla.



SC276: Honestly, given the ego-centric nature of their species, they’re probably better looking than most of the cast.

MrSing: Attacking their self image is probably more effective than throwing rocks at them.



“Lightning, get out of there!” shouted Buddy. Lightning snapped out of his astonishment and slipped away and ran over to the others. “What are you guys doing here? How did you get here so fast.” he asked.



Scarlet: All legitimate questions. Mykan, your response?



“Maybe a thank you is in order for saving your life.” said Artie “…And hello, we’re on an island; everything is close by.”



SC276: Technically, continents are also islands.

Scarlet: ...I’m not sure why I was expecting one that made any degree of sense, but there you go.

Dark Angel: In fact, Europe and Asia are part of a single island.



“We weren’t about to sit by and let these brutes get you.” added Dyno. “We owed you that much for all that believe in you we did.” agreed Myte.



Scarlet: Holy shit! He actually did drop the Latino-isms! Let’s fucking party!

MrSing: That English for FIESTAAAAA!



Rhymey nodded and said…



“You are our friend,

To the very end.”



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Topher: Which is coming in three… two… one…

Dark Angel: “WHAT THE FU-” *BOOOOOM*



Lightning didn’t know what to say, but he felt really touched.



MrSing: How about “Stop touching me”?

Dark Angel: They’ve been saying that to Grandruler for a long time now.



“I do believe in you!” he said. “And we believe in you.” added Starla. The others all nodded, and suddenly, something under Lightning’s T-shirt started to glow. “What’s that?” asked Starla.



SC276: Apparently Lightning never took off his shirt?

Scarlet: If it turns out he has Rose Quartz down there, I am out of here.



Lightning reached under his shirt and pulled out the second gem; the one his mentor, The Grand Ruler gave him before he left Unicornicopia, and remembering what he said…



“When the time comes you will know what it does and what it is for.”



SC276: I’m checking that. ...That’s not even the exact quote, because he typo’d the original thing. Also, I love how both pendants Lightning was wearing - both this and the warp bauble, especially the latter because he never hid it - completely escaped everyone’s notice for a whole freakin’ month.



Obviously, the gem responded to vast amounts of emotional energy from all their believing.



SC276: Author does not know difference between believing and bullshit plot convenience, because if it did activate from believing, why didn’t it trigger during the game? *ding*

Scarlet: Well, at the game it was Rainbow Dash believing. And of course, filthy canons are exempt from gaining powers.



The gem glowed brightly as seven tiny glowing balls of light spouted from it, and surrounded the seven friends. Lightning could also hear his master’s voice calling out to him.



Scarlet: [Zordon] “Alpha, Rita has escaped! Send me five teenagers with- shit, no. Alpha, those are Mykan’s OCs. The hell, man.”

Dark Angel: [Alpha] “Well, you never made that specific.”



“Lightning, if you are hearing this message, you have unlocked the power of this gem. I have enclosed the ability for you and your friends to transform during moments of extreme danger. Now go forth, and protect the world from the evil ones.”



SC276: Even pony!Grandruler keeps bailing Lightning out of everything!

MrSing: One OC to rule them all!



“Did you guys hear that?” asked Buddy.



“That sounded like Grandruler.” said Artie, but they all could tell thereafter it wasn’t their Grandruler, but they did hear about the part of helping Lightning to defend their world and were only too excited to help out.



Lightning closed his eyes. “Thank you, Master. I won’t let you down.”



SC276: [Lightning] “I will totally fail you now!”



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XLQQY4c5ac



Topher: WOW. I thought Mykan had no shame, but DAMN!

SC276: This is going to suck.

Scarlet: Now, I was originally going to do a bunch of Sentai/Rangers references. Then I realized that Mykan probably likes that shit as much as I do. So instead, I’m going to go one step more nerd than previous.

MrSing: I’m scared.



One-by-one, a Starfleet insignia badge appeared on upper-left side of everyone’s shirts. “How do these things work?” asked Dyno. “Yeah, what are we supposed to do?” added Myte.



Scarlet: *produces a makeup compact*

MrSing: “You’re drafted now, kids.”



“Just do exactly as I do.” said Lightning. He told everyone to stand in line. “Okay ready…?” His friends stood ready and he showed them to simply tap their badges and shout the phrase “Starfleet Magic!”



SC276: Wrong Starfleet, author.

Scarlet: Precure! Believing Charge!~

MrSing: “Now shout that I’m handsome and that my parents are proud of me!”



The others did the same, “STARFLEET MAGIC!!” At once, when they tapped their badges, all seven of them were enveloped in different colored glows of light as they soared up, up, into the sky.



SC276: ~GO GO POWER RANGERS!~

Scarlet: ~Let’s go, Bullshit!~

MrSing: [Lightning] “Oh God! Nobody panic, but this wasn’t supposed to happen!”

Dark Angel: Wait, Rhymey was able to say that without making a rhyme?



The people across the city, and those still at the school could see them. Even Celestia saw them, and Sapphira and Flash as well. “It can’t be?!”growled Sapphira.



SC276: [Sapphira] “How the fuck are they doing the same shit I’m doing?!”

MrSing: “I still can’t see anything with these shades.”



One-by-One,



SC276: ~One by one / ngeke ba lunge / One by one / Sizo nqoba…~

Scarlet: ...referencing the Lion King stage musical is only increasing my desire to marry you, you realize.

SC276: Already dating someone, actually, but willing to negotiate.

Dark Angel: Hell, if you’re referencing the Lion King musical, I even have the desire to marry you.



Lightning and his friends donned their super suits-- White strong outfits and super armor overtop complete with shoulder pads, strong boots, gauntlets, and visors over their eyes, only a few new catches.



SC276: What is this, The Greatest American Hero?

Scarlet: They then used their make-up compacts to touch up their cheeks.



The visors came with microphones on magical wavelengths for the team to communicate with one another,



SC276: So how does his regular team communicate?

Scarlet: Manly yelling.



and even though they were still human, they each sprouted wings, tails, and even horns.



SC276: Gee, horns.

Scarlet: “Lightning, why are these things growing out of our posteriors?”

MrSing: “The pain is unbearable!”

Dark Angel: Of course Mykan had to one-up the original Equestria Girls canon by giving all of the OCs alicorn pony-upped forms. Excuse me a minute. *starts banging head against a wall*



All of Lightning’s friends never felt anything like this, they felt so pumped up and ready for action as if all their new powers and abilities seemed familiar to them.



Scarlet: ...It’s kind of sad when I joke about it, but Smile Precure actually does have a better super-team origin story.



Lightning smirked at them, and they all heroically stood together under the stars as Lightning recited the team’s oath…



SC276: Oh no, not again...



“Guardians of the universe,

United we stand



Scarlet: ...That’s the Wild Force oath. “Guardians of the Earth, United we Roar.” It’s… it’s fucking… it is literally a power-rangers rip-off in the most obvious sense.

Dark Angel: Just another thing to cross off on the check-list of rip-offs this fic has.



To punish all evil,

And protect what is grand!”



SC276: “...TO TAKE WHAT I WANT, THAT IS MY RIGHT!”





“…Power of Believing”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Believing that I’m entitled to be at the center of everything! Starfleet Dawn!”



Starla: “Power of Space”



Topher: Almost completely empty. Like your head!

SC276: How do they even know what to say?! Also, no amount of distantly mentioned kung-fu training can prepare them for this.

Scarlet: [Starla] “The power of being a blank space kickass love interest for Mykan, I mean, the reader to project fantasies onto! Starfleet Girl!”

MrSing: Personal Space Activated!



Buddy: “Power of Fauna”



Topher: FLORA YOU DUMB SHIT. FAUNA MEANS ANIMALS.

SC276: Yeah, he still hasn’t learned.

Scarlet: [Buddy] “The power of fauna being something you could study and better yourself instead of reading this story! Starfleet Bud!”

MrSing: Literally flower power!



Artie: “Power of Art”



Topher: Specifically, the kind of modern art that the cleaning ladies mistake for piles of garbage.

Scarlet: [Artie] “The power of Art being specifically beyond Mykan’s scope! Starfleet Liberal Arts Degree!”

MrSing: It allows him to make millions with ready-made art!



Rhymey: “I summon within… Power of Wind”



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Topher: I can do that too! *Downs an entire keg of beans*

Scarlet: [Rhymey] “The strongest wind of all time/Is one that howls to drown out my Rhyme! Starfleet Couplet!”

MrSing: I always knew he was a blowhard.

Dark Angel: *puts on nose plugs* As if this shitfic did’t stigk edough already.



Dyno and Myte: “Power of Fire”



Topher: Alright, boys. You and me. Mano y Mano y Flamethrower. I’m the only pyro around here.

SC276: Why do two people have the same thing again?!

MrSing: They were over the budget.

Scarlet: [Dyno/Myte] “The power to be defined by an element instead of a nationality, which is somehow a step up for us! Starfleet Wonder Twins!”



“Let’s go!” shouted Lightning and off they went soaring down and across the island.



SC276: OK, the smart plan of action is to send Lightning to smack the hell out of Sapphira so she can stop charging the death ray while the other six handle the monsters, so obviously attacking her is going to be saved for last in the nick of time.

Scarlet: Let’s see. So, based on this chart here, that was a piss-poor role call. Your superhero team is at bare minimum supposed to react to suddenly saying ridiculous things if they were not pre-rehearsed (see: PreCure), you’re supposed to call your goddamn superhero name at the end of your line, and you end with the team name and oath, you don’t fucking start with it! 0/10 Mykan, go study your children’s television more!

SC276: Wow. Kinda wish you riffed the first part now, where he did this whole bit the first time.

Scarlet: ...Okay, fuck this story. SCARLET FANRAGE PUNCH! *flails about incoherently*

Dark Angel: Yeah, I’d say that’s about on par with what to expect from someone who reads this fic.



Flash couldn’t believe it, but Sapphira didn’t seem too worried. “So they’ve transformed and donned the power, no matter.”



SC276: [Sapphira] “Big whoop.”



Her satellite was already finished folding out in orbit and just needed a little time to charge up.



SC276: The fuck does that even mean?

Scarlet: Well, it’s obviously been several turns since she summoned it, so at this point it’s getting up near OTK levels of attack points.

MrSing: “Damn solar panels! I knew I should have gone with the nuclear reactor!”

Dark Angel: It’s suddenly making sense. That satellite is a rip-off of Serpentera. It has the power to destroy a planet, but only runs on three triple-A batteries.



She placed the Rainbow Rod into a pedestal she had made from crystals, and the rod unleashed a beam of magic all the way at the sky and would keep on going until the satellite was fully charged.



SC276: Why didn’t you do that before now?!

MrSing: I though she did? What was up with that light show before this?



All the civilians could see this from the Canterlot Arena ground. Many were thinking of evacuating the entire island, but that was ridiculously impossible and couldn’t be done in time,



MrSing: It’s not like most islands have a big fishing industry with lots of boats or anything.



especially with all the monsters still on the loose, and once the satellite fired, the entire island would be in danger.



SC276: Pretty sure all the monsters means the island is in danger now!

Scarlet: The plot twist is that it’s actually Beach City and Garnet will be along any second now.

SC276: No, that would actually be awesome.



Grandruler kept watching the beam and knew it lead to where the satellite was,



SC276: And why wouldn’t you notice a satellite over your island?



and after battling every bit of doubt in his body, and feeling he owed much to Lightning--



SC276: For what, ruining the last shreds of your relationship with your ex?



“I’ve got to try and destroy that satellite.”



SC276: Buddy, that would crash it on the island or in the nearby ocean which would create a tidal wave. That would be basically doing her job for her.

Scarlet: Quick, turn into a space T-Rex!

MrSing: I think you overestimate how much mass satellites have, but this being a Mykan fic you’d probably be right.



and he dashed for his limo. “What are you doing?” hollered Luna.



SC276: We ask that of Mykan pretty much every time he rears his head.



Grandruler dashed to the trunk of his limo and pulled out a silver-trunk. Inside contained a silvery, spacesuit, and a red vest that fit the helmet on, which he quickly donned.



images4.fanpop.com/image/photo…



MrSing: Why do you describe colors and then link to a black and white picture? Why do you even link to a picture at all? Just, why man?



“It’s time for this rocket-man to fly again!”



Topher: May your mission go wildly out of control, leaving you to crash into the sun!

SC276: ~He’s a rocket-maaaaaaaaaan…~

Scarlet: ...What the fuck would a compact spacesuit do for-



He told his driver to get out of the car, and he got in. Everyone was confused, and all thinking the same thing,



MrSing: [Everyone]: “Great, the Grandruler is drunk again.”



that he wouldn’t be able to reach up there in a limousine, only to be astonished as they saw it transform and take the shape of a super rocket jet.



Topher: Aaaaaaaand we’ve sunk to first-grade levels.

Scarlet: Hey, I’m not laughing. That might be the only remotely cool thing to happen so far.

Dark Angel: It may be remotely cool. But it’s still first-grade levels. And I think that’s a generous assumption.



“I knew I paid to have these built for a reason.” he gloated softly.



SC276: [Grandruler] “Never know when you need to suddenly go back into space!”

Scarlet: Why wasn’t this version of Grandruler the one we had all fic?

MrSing: “And my advisors said I should have invested the money in the school! Who's a mad megalomaniac now huh? HUH!?”



“Everyone, get back!” he shouted as he started the engines, and everyone got as far from the craft as they could.





SC276: [random guy] “I don’t wanna be near that freaky Transformer!”

Scarlet: Your loss! I’m stealing it!



“T-Minus Five and counting-- Four, three, two, one, Go!”



SC276: Mykan, this is like the most basic fail ever.

Scarle: RRRRANGERS! IN SPACE!



The rockets fired and everyone watched and braced themselves from the gust of wind as the craft lifted off into the skies. The people cheered and all wished him luck, and far from them, Celestia could see the craft going higher. “Good luck, Celesto.” she said softly.



Scarlet: The rocket then exploded during lift-off. Celestia got over it quickly.

MrSing: Happy fourth of July everyone!



She really hoped he could destroy the satellite, but she couldn’t help but gaze up at the skyscraper where the magic beam was coming from



SC276: I’m reminded of the beacon from Wreck-It Ralph. And now I’ve got another movie I’d rather see than read this fic.

Dark Angel: Are there any movies in existence that are less preferable than this fic?



and decided to offer what help she could, despite the many incredible risks she was taking.



SC276: Lady, you have to be alive for Equestria Girls. There is no risk to you.

Scarlet: Well, appearing in this fanfic for more than a minute constitutes a major risk of compromised dignity.



ACT FOURTEEN



Topher: You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

SC276: We’ve been over this, Mykan....

MrSing: Fake it till you break it, I guess.

Dark Angel: You can’t break what’s already broken.



The fighters were all spread out, and Lightning’s friends felt wild enough that they could fly, but just as Lightning promised, their suits would not only protect them, but it would increase their natural strengths and speeds, and provide them with their weapons and special abilities to assist them in battle.



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “Good thing we all had convenient martial arts training even though that clashed with most of our hobbies then!”

Scarlet: You know, PreCure explains most of that by going “it’s fucking magic”. Somehow, that is a more consistent explanation than anything Mykan has attempted.

MrSing: The suit downloads the punches right into their mind.



They each went after the crystal warriors, finding them in various locations and wreaking havoc. “Let’s get ‘em!” shouted Buddy



SC276: Didn’t Lightning already say something like that?

Scarlet: If you don’t shout things when you’re fighting, it’s not Power Rangers.

Dark Angel: Technically, if they don’t convulse while they talk, it’s not Power Rangers.



and they all soared down right at the warriors kicking them all hard, and then the battle was on.



SC276: The Wheel of Fate is Turning! Rebel 1! ACTION!

Scarlet: And now you’re on to Blazblue WHY ARE YOU MEETING ALL MY STANDARDS?

SC276: To be fair, the only things of BlazBlue I got down are Taokaka and the green-haired jerk deity I think.



Just as Lightning promised, when the warriors hit them, they hardly felt anything that much,



MrSing: They died too quickly for that.



but they still did get pushed down and back hard and knocked into walls, but now they were really steamed up and ready to fight back with all they had.



SC276: Why did you let them hit first?

Scarlet: Well, they just beat Brock for the first time and wanted to try out their new T.M.!



They discovered they could do so much more than they thought; they could jump great heights and distances, punch and kick with enough for to break a break wall, and even perform incredible martial art moves in addition to the ones they already learned and studied in books.



Topher: Because you can totally do martial arts by reading about it. Hell, I learned it by watching Dragonball Z!

SC276: Oh right, I forgot they weren’t even taking classes, they just read about it… Ugh…

Scarlet: Oh, no, they took classes. Mykan is proposing that the suits are magic and gave them the ability to copy even those martial arts moves they never actually practiced, which is… completely fair, honestly. Power Rangers rules.

MrSing: This is even worse than that time Twilight read about running. And it worked.

Dark Angel: Well in Twilight’s defense, she only got like…what was it, 42nd place?



They punched, kicked, and knocked those evil creatures to the ground. “Take that!” yelled Starla as she swiftly kicked a warrior in the face and sent him crashing into two of his buddies.



SC276: OBJECTION!

Scarlet: This story has a contradiction in like every other line! Let us present the evidence!

Dark Angel: HOLD IT!



Two more crept up on her from behind, and she turned round quickly “PUSLAR LASER” and shot them all right through.



SC276: And where are they even getting attack names from?!

Scarlet: Again, it’s Power Rangers rules. I don’t care about that so much as I do the fact that Starla didn’t have a gun until just now.

Topher: Unfortunately, being creatures made of pure crystal, the laser refracted through their bodies, hitting Lightning and all his friends. They died in agony. HAPPY END!



The Spanish twins were getting real kicks out of this, literally. The spun around like dancers and shouting “Uno, dos, tres y Tiro! Uno, dos, tres y Tiro!”



SC276: I think their record’s stuck.

Scarlet: Apparently I congratulated Mykan on upgrading them from “defined by nationality” too damn soon.

MrSing: That’s Spanish for counting.



before raising their feet and double-kicking the enemies in the chests sending them hard backward, but soon they found themselves surrounded and tried to use their magical attacks on them, forgetting at first they had to join hands and combine their powers to make it work as they were twins.



SC276: Why the fuck do the suits work differently for these two? Especially since in their case, all the power is literally coming from the suits?

Scarlet: Because… actually, no. That’s not even remotely part of transforming hero genre convention. You’re on your own, Mykan.

MrSing: How can you shoot people without holding hands with your war buddy? That would just be unsafe.

Dark Angel: So now I find out they have to hold hands with Buddy too?



“Ready…?”



“Si, let’s do it.”



SC276: Let’s do it, let’s get them, say something else.

MrSing: That’s Spanish for yes.



They joined hands and shouted “BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS”



SC276: That just reminds me of a Robot Master attack, though I can’t recall the exact one except that it’s from Mega Man 8.

Scarlet: I have heard mangled-English attack names more times than I can count. That was dumber than fucking all of them.

Topher: First. Grade. Level.

SC276: Oh wait, I got it, it’s reminding me of ChuChu Rocket.



and fired their missiles right at the swarm, blasting them to pieces. The brothers slapped each other a high-five.



Topher: “Slap my hand!”

MrSing: Don’t worry about the military grade explosives in your gloves, just keep slapping those things together.



Artie was fighting hard and got shoved down a grassy slope and crashing headfirst into a garbage can at the bottom.



SC276: Is he next to a bus stop or something? There is no setting context for this entire fight sequence.

Scarlet: Oh look, it’s Billy from MMPR!

MrSing: Into the trash he goes!



He got up angrily. “That does it!SUPER STAFF” His staff appeared and he whirled it and twirled it in poses,



MrSing: Christ man! This is a kid’s show!

Dark Angel: Yeah! It’s bad enough they’re constantly focused on Rainbow’s rod!



and then pole-vaulted right back up the hill. “Did you miss me, boys?” he teased,



SC276: No. No we didn’t. And isn’t your weapon a brush?

Scarlet: Oh look, he has Billy’s tricera-lance from MMPR!



landing right in the middle of ring of six warriors, and he drove his staff into the ground and swung round and around kicking down each of the warriors. “I think I could get used to this stuff.”



Scarlet: I would not be shocked if that line was cribbed straight from MMPR! Fucking hell, at least write your own cheesy fight lines! It’s fucking easy!

Topher: [Grandruler, from space I guess] “Ooh! a little pole action!”



Rhymey



SC276: FUCK.



leapt up high somersaulting in the air, and attacked more of the warriors, but more ganged up on him and dealt him a few blows and sent him skidding across the ground.



“I won’t give in.

I’ll still win!” he said as he gathered his strength,



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!

Scarlet: Hit him with your irregular meter attack, Rhymey!

MrSing: Use your “My head against their fists” attack! It will work great.

Dark Angel: In Rhymey’s defense, hsi horrible rhyming is probably his most effective attack.



and even thought of Fluttershy and that he was fighting for her, as well as everyone else which gave him more determination. “WARD SWORD” he stood and swung his sword heroically. Its blade shimmered in the moonlight.



SC276: ~Have you ever shimmered your blade in the pale moonlight…?~

Scarlet: ...Why is his power wind and not barriers? Because that’s what ‘Ward’ would- fuck it, nevermind.

MrSing: WARD SWORD! ATTACK SHIELD! HOT COLDMAN!



The warriors charged at him, but Rhymey slashed and swung at them all hard knocking them down like trees,



MrSing: Ever hit a tree with your fist? It doesn’t work.



and then stood proud and waved his sword, posing and proclaiming…



“There, you see?

That was easy.”



SC276: OK, do they only have generic weapons? If the suits can customize themselves to require Dyno and Mite to be together, why can’t they customize to recreate their alicorn’s weapon? This deus ex machina has even less of a grasp of logic than usual! And where the fuck is Lightning in all this? Or hell, even Krysta, haven’t heard from her in awhile.

Scarlet: Well, the answer to that question is Scarlet Fanrage Kick! *dramatically kicks the story, to no effect*



…



Meanwhile, Grandruler had already made it into orbit.



SC276: why does Trump have a fucking space car

Scarlet: Why wouldn’t you have a space car?

MrSing: He revealed his true power... money.

Dark Angel: He probably gets along well with Filthy Rich.



He gazed all around him at the stunning sights of space and the Earth below him.



MrSing: “Okay, so the map says to take a right at Alpha Centauri. Ah, I knew I should have asked for directions in Never Never Land.”

Topher: He didn’t bgint a towel. He’s fuckeed.



It had been had been such a long time since his last mission before he retired, but he had no time for reminiscing. He could see the satellite cannon up ahead, and it was pretty big, about the size of Canterlot High.



SC276: How the everloving fuck did a high school principal get that thing into orbit without anyone noticing?!

Scarlet: She summoned it by using Shining Angel’s monster effect, of course. And possibly Machine Duplication to get multiples in play.

MrSing: Don’t worry, it’s not canon.



He maneuvered his craft until it was just within range. “Arming interceptor missiles.”



SC276: Your limo has missiles?! Are you fucking serious?! Why does a limo have missiles?!?!

Scarlet: Again- why the fuck not?

SC276: Because a fender-bender could possibly wipe out a city block?

Scarlet: I’d consider that a possible bonus when we’re talking about this particular city.

Topher: It’s like the batmobile if the Batman was a predator.



The torpedoes were armed “Fire!” and off they went heading straight for the dish, slamming into it and exploding. “Direct hit!” Grandruler cheered, but when the smoke cleared, the dish wasn’t even scratched. “It can’t be...” He tried another two shots, but still no damage. “It must have a special surface!”



SC276: Yeah, it’s called plot armor.

Scarlet: I told you to take the Dino DNA option! Nobody believes me!

Topher: We need to jam the dish! *Begins throwing preserves at the story*

Dark Angel: Try using raspberry jam! We need to give it the raspberry!

MrSing: The force of the explosion knocked the satellite out of orbit easily though and the problem resolved itself through space physics.



…



Sapphira and Flash, fully aware he was up there,



SC276: Somehow.



laughed at his feeble attempt. “Foolish, Earthman…” scoffed Sapphira “Your Earth technology is no match for my strong crystallite alloy.”



Scarlet: It’s made of pure Gundanium! Get me a brooding child soldier, STAT!



Flash checked the gauge “We’re almost ready to fire, mother.”



“Excellent!”



SC276: At this point, it might be safest for my remaining sanity if I don’t ask how that thing’s hooked up.

MrSing: A really long extension cord.



…



Grandruler realized, if he couldn’t destroy the satellite, then maybe he could at least tip it off course so it would fire away from the Earth, by pushing his craft against it.



SC276: If that thing’s as big as the school, shouldn’t be putting his car in orbit around it?

Scarlet: Shut up, we have a giant robot sequence to rip off! Go, Grandruler! Try in vain to save this story!

MrSing: Too bad you don’t have any EXPLOSIVES that ALREADY DID THAT five minutes ago.



He carefully steered his craft and armed the rammer bumper.



SC276: This car is way too heavily armed for a public vehicle.

Scarlet: Just the way I like ‘em!

Dark Angel: It’s not really how heavily armored that car is that bothers me. It’s how conveniently armored it is.



“Easy now, easy…!”



…



“Oh, no you don’t!” hissed Flash and he held up a remote-control linked to the satellite, and activated a special built-in mechanism.



SC276: Why are they even still down there? They’re made of crystal, we have no expectation of them needing to breathe!

Scarlet: Because for some reason, they never actually built themselves a way to launch up to their super-weapon to perform maintenance or anything. It’s probably falling apart up there.

MrSing: “Flash! You just paused everyone’s movies in a twenty mile radius, you idiot!”



…



A small gun nozzle popped out atop the satellite, and fired a powerful beam at Grandruler’s craft and holding it in an electro-magnetic deadlock.



SC276: Tractor beams. Those are always annoying.



He tried with all his might, but he couldn’t break free, and the hatches wouldn’t open so he couldn’t jump out.



SC276: You’re in orbit, where could you possibly jump to?

Scarlet: His death? That would be a good plan.

MrSing: Don’t litter in space, people.



He couldn’t figure a way out, but knew he’d have to, because his oxygen wouldn’t last forever!



SC276: That’s what happens when you just blast the fuck off like that.

Topher: I’ve seen Kerbal Space Program missions with more planning.



He just hoped things were going better down on Earth.



…



With the number of crystal-warriors diminished, it was time for the next step; going after the big crystal beasts, and stop Sapphira.



SC276: Sapphira is literally just standing around on a roof. She doesn’t even have a freakin’ shield. Why aren’t one of you going to stop her now?!

Scarlet: Only after the footsoldiers are vanquished are the rangers allowed to confront the main villain! It’s in the rules!



Lightning was soaring high over the city, and kept in close contact with his team via his new transmitter. “All right Starfleet, I’m over the east sector of the city.



MrSing: “Anybody remember which way was east again?”



My scanners have picked up the source. I’m going in!”



SC276: Roger, Roger. What’s your vector, Victor?



He could see one of the two big brutes down below. “Okay big guy, you’re not going to get me this time. Here I come!”



SC276: ~Here I come, I am cinnamon~

Scarlet: Here I come, SHINING FINGER!

Dark Angel: “Here I come, GENERIC ATTACK NAME!”



Soaring down swiftly from up above, he aimed his legs out front and kicked the beast hard in the back of its huge head and actually knocked him over. “Direct hit!” but that big brute got back up almost immediately,



MrSing: Try knocking it out of orbit too.



and unleashed a magical wave of light at him, hitting him full force. “Whoa! He’s tougher than he looks. I need backup.”



SC276: Uh yeah, that’s what the freakin’ suit-bearing pendant was for.



“We’re on our way, Lightning.” cried Buddy. He arrived on the scene in almost no time and pulled out his Vine Whip,



MrSing: Easy there, Indiana Jones.



ensnaring the beast by the legs, keeping him tied up, and he couldn’t snap the special material it was made up.



SC276: Best we can figure is that it has four legs, because as far as Mykan’s concerned, beast is just beast. I’m imagining those rock-shell turtle-like enemies from Steven Universe: Attack the Light for them.

Scarlet: Quick, you haven’t used up your gem fusion for the fight yet! Hit ‘em with Alexandrite!



“Sorry, big guy, line’s all tied up.” Buddy teased as he wrestled to maintain his grip.



SC276: He’s not even trying to communicate!

MrSing: Yeah, but he wants to gloat now that he’s got him on the ropes.

Dark Angel: Buddy used Vine Whip. It’s super effective.



It was like trying to hold on to a really big and feisty dog with a real temper.



SC276: So, having Mykan on a leash?

Scarlet: *rimshot*



The monster tried to blast at him, but Buddy leapt out of the way missing it. “Bad move, big guy. Two can play at this game. LEAF SWARM”



MrSing: Whatever Bulbasaur.



His razor-sharp leaves bombarded the monster hard keeping it blinded and distracted, but he could still shoot blindly. “I need help!” shouted Buddy.



SC276: [Lightning] “Can someone else do that? I can literally only do basic attacks and finishing moves. And the villain still has the weapon I need for that last one.”

Scarlet: Curses! The villain has become genre-savvy to Power Rangers conventions!



“Hang on, I’m coming!” hollered Artie. He landed just near them and shouted “PAINT BOMB”



MrSing: *Splatoon flashbacks*



and unleashed his gloopy explosions at the beast, damaging him further, but the beast still struggled to fight back. “Man, these guys are tougher than we thought.”



SC276: That’s kinda the basic idea, art-boy.

Scarlet: No, no, no! You’re supposed to do it as a group! Did Sailor Moon teach you nothing?

Dark Angel: How much damage did he think paint would do anyway?



“Keep trying!” shouted Buddy.



MrSing: “Make his Aurel Borden-ache!”

They can’t all be winners, people.



Meanwhile, Rhymey stood face-to-face with other beast, gently caressing the blade of his sword.



SC276: He was imagining it was Fluttershy and making sweet sweet love to it.

Topher: Suddenly, Rhyme Mash.

MrSing: “Who’s a good sword? You are! Yes you are.”



The beast growled at him and raised his strong arms and the two began to sword-fight fiercely.



SC276: ...Is the beast using his arm as a sword or something?

MrSing: I have to admit, that would be pretty hardcore.



Eventually engaging in a blade-lock, but the beast still had a free arm and punched Rhymey hard sending him soaring backwards hard and crashing into a wall.



Scarlet: It still didn’t shut him the fuck up.



“I’ve been hit hard,

Send help to the boulevard!”



SC276: [Buddy Rose] “There’s kinda like fifteen boulevards on this island, dude, you’re going to have to be more specific!”

Scarlet: [Rhymey] “OH GOD, WHY!/IT’S CRUSHING MY EYE!”

[Buddy] “You’ll be fine!”

Dark Angel: Is anyone else here rooting for the monster to win?



The Spanish Twins loomed over the beast from high on the roof. “Hang on, Amigo!”



MrSing: That’s Spanish for friend.



shouted Dyno “Here we come…!”



MrSing: Okay...?



hollered Myte as he and his brother leapt form up high and onto the beast riding him like a bucking bull, but maintaining a firm grip.



SC276: Yay, go Monty Moles.

Scarlet: Well, at least we know the “Beast” is vaguely bull-shaped now.



While they were all down there handling the beasts, Starla soared towards the rooftop where Sapphira and Flash were,



SC276: Freakin’ finally someone does the sensible thing.

Scarlet: Let’s see how it comes back to bite her!



plotting to get Lightning’s Rainbow Rod back. “Okay, guys I got them in my sights.” she said and then got out her Star Bow, and readied to shoot, but Flash and Sapphira could see her coming,



SC276: Someone forgot to turn on the cloaking device.

Scarlet: Star Bow Break! *coughs* ...sorry, I just… yeah I wanted that out of my system.



and laughed. “They just make this too easy.” said Sapphira. Her son snickered, and Sapphira stepped out to the edge of the roof and fired her magic beams, hitting Starla hard. “I’ve been hit! I’m going down!”



SC276: Of course the one girl gets in trouble.

Scarlet: Well, to be fair, so did Rhymey and- yeah, that’s not helping. Retracted.

MrSing: Psh... women drivers. Amiright guys?

Scarlet: *engaging mobile fortress…*



She barely managed to straighten herself up and soften her crash way down below, but still lay flat on a pile of garbage bags.



SC276: Oh god, trash as a landing pad again.

Topher: Unfortunately a broken bottle ripped through her neck and she bled out, watching as all her friends were picked off one by one, lying paralyzed and powerless as the roar of marauding crystal monsters mixed with the screams of her dying comrades, becoming a hellish symphony of pain. HAPPY END!

MrSing: She died as she lived, getting dunked into the trash.



Sapphira and Flash laughed at her and Flash requested “Mother, allow me…?” his mother nodded, and Flash leapt off the edge, leaving the remote control in his mother’s control,



SC276: Control control, control. Control? Control!

MrSing: The word has just lost all meaning.

Dark Angel: So many mentions of control, yet this fic has absolutely no control.



and landed majestically into the street and made his way over to where Starla lay flat, and clutched his sword, “Poor, helpless Earth girl, you should have minded your own business.”



Scarlet: [Flash] “There’s only room for one love interest in this story, baby.”

SC276: Buddy, ya kinda made it her business when you attacked her school game award ceremony.

Dark Angel: What does Buddy have anything to do with that?



He stood over her and raised his sword ready to cut her in half, which she swiftly raised her foot and booted him hard in the chest knocking him over. She bolted up right and stood poised for a brawl. “I’ll show you who’s helpless!”



Scarlet: Oh hey, Mykan almost got a stock beat right. Let me give him the exact amount of applause he deserves for that effort. *claps once*

MrSing: If one hand claps in an empty forest, does it make a sound?



Flash growled, and the two went at it hard.



SC276: One of which has a sword, the other of which has a bow, and since she landed in garbage, it’s an alley, so narrow space. It entirely depends on how much distance Starla can get between them, I think.



Flash swung his blade, punched, kicked and fired at Starla,



SC276: Fired what, sword beams?

Scarlet: Fate/Star Fleet.



which she put great efforts to dodge and return fire. “STARLIGHT ARROW”



Scarlet: I am actually disappointed Mykan didn’t steal Flandre’s attack name.



She fired her magic arrow right at Flash, but he deflected it with his sword, striking her back. Sparks flew everywhere and Starla rolled along the ground. “I got Flash Sentry in a brawl. I need backup!” she hollered into her speaker. “Hang tight, Starla, I’m coming!” cried Lightning.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I’m actually not sure why we’re using these things considering we weren’t that far apart before, but I’m coming!!”

Topher: [Grandruler, watching from his space car] “Oh, so am I.”



All over the areas, things weren’t improving well!



SC276: Neither has Mykan’s writing over two-plus years!



Buddy and Artie were still struggling with the first beast. “I don’t think I can hold him much longer!” cried Buddy.



Scarlet: Attack his weak point for massive damage already!



Dyno and Myte both got bucked off the other beast and slammed into Rhymey. “He’s too strong!” cried Dyno. “We can’t take him down, not like this.” added Myte.



SC276: Gheeze, power level on the monsters a bit on the high side or what?

Topher: Pls nerf.

MrSing: His creatine levels are off the chart!



…



Grandruler was still caught in the magnetic field in orbit,



MrSing: You know how it is.



and he still couldn’t break free as long as the satellite kept beaming on him. “It’s getting hot in here!” he shouted at no one in particular.



Scarlet: Somewhere, Nelly feels like his career has become more improbably stupid than it was after recording “Cruise/Remix”.



His oxygen wouldn’t last much longer, and worse, the satellite was fully charged. “Oh, no!” he cried.



SC276: Oh no. How will the character that facilitated and basically encouraged all of Lightning’s jerkass moments get out of this one. Dum dum duuuuum.



…



“Yes…!” shouted Sapphria “Full power reached. FIRE!”



SC276: All systems, FULL POWER!

MrSing: WAIT! BE ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY. USE 70% POWER!



and the satellite cannon fired, sending a pale blue magic beam right for the island.



Scarlet: Attack the earth’s life points directly!



The people could see it coming and began to run for their lives, but of course there was no place for them to really run to, on an island!



SC276: Boats. Boats.

MrSing: An island! Of all places!



The beam hit the coast line,



SC276: It just barely avoided missing? Are you kidding me?

MrSing: Aiming is hard.



but slowly began to make its way inward onto the land, and every living thing it touched turned into a crystallite version of itself, and began to act strangely, chanting.



Scarlet: Boooooo! That’s not Satellite Cannon’s effect and you know it!

Topher: [Satellite] “WOLOLO!”



“Hail Sapphira! Hail Sapphira!”



SC276: It’s a freakin’ brainwash beam?! I mean, Equestria Girls ripoff so I suppose it’s not too unexpected, and… definitely a better choice of army idea than teenagers, but why is the kill sat not a freakin’ KILL sat?! Also, if this is running off Sapphira’s magic exactly, with the Rainbow Rod just acting as a catalyst for it to work in this world, why hasn’t she done this before, like crystal-brainwash Starla instead of just shooting her?!

Scarlet: Well, actually, it was a kill sat in the original Japanese, but 4Kids changed it to mind control for the dub. Thought it would be friendlier, I guess?

Dark Angel: That’s 4Kids for you. Always ruining the original content.



…



Meanwhile, Starla was still having trouble with Flash.



SC276: Um… duh?

MrSing: Have you tried updating to a newer version?



After a long fight and exchanging blows and hits. Flash had her at his mercy again, and pointed his sword right at her. “Now who is helpless?” he mocked “You put up a valiant effort, but I’m afraid it was all in vain.”



Scarlet: [Flash] “My sword can penetrate through your magical armor now because, um, well anyway taste my steel!”

SC276: [Flash] “And diamond!”



He was about to stab her dead,



SC276: That’s like only one maturity step above “kill her dead.”

Topher: DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT

MrSing: Whoever dies, we win.

Dark Angel: Of course it’s a bonus if Rhymey dies.



when Lightning came soaring like a missile and head-slammed him hard in the side. “DU’AAAAAAHH!” and sent him clear across the street. “All in vain for you, Flash Sentry!” he gloated.



Scarlet: That is possibly the worst one-liner ever written.

SC276: It’s only because his head is so thick that he didn’t give himself a concussion.

MrSing: Like all great actors he doesn’t do his own stunts and writes his own lines.



“Great timing.” Starla said with a smirk.



SC276: [Starla] “That was sarcasm, by the way. Next time, not so last-minute?”



Lightning nodded at her and then turned angrily to gaze at Flash. “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, Flash Sentry!!” and jumped right at him and mercilessly let him have it.



Scarlet: Bow-chicka-bow-bow~

MrSing: It’s getting kinda hard to believe this wasn’t done on purpose.



Flash fought back just as fiercely, but he was already a little worn out from his battle with Starla, giving Lightning a powerful advantage to really bash him hard.



Scarlet: No, Lightning, you fool! He’s weak to Strike damage, not Bash!

SC276: What is with other characters wearing down stronger characters for other characters in this fic?



Starla, recovered a bit of her strength and helped him, but in the midst of the fight, they could see off in the distance, the satellite beam was slowly making its way across the island, cursing everything it touched.



Scarlet: I was kidding about the T-Rex thing, but apparently the Society of Light arc from Yu-Gi-Oh GX actually can be added to the list of shit Mykan’s ripped off.

MrSing: [Beam]: “FUCK! DAMNIT! CHRIST ON A POGO!”



Flashed wickedly laughed and said to him “Your time is up, Lightning Dawn! You and your and your friends were never match for us.”



Scarlet: [Flash] “After all, in Power Rangers, the heroes usually get their asses kicked right until the villain begins to gl- aw, fuck.”

SC276: You caught ‘im monologuing.



More and more people and animals on the island were struck by the magic and turned into crystallites. They were practically zombies that lived to only serve their empress, Sapphira.



SC276: Why yes, these are completely necessary details we need right now.

MrSing: They even started a fanclub.



“Wonderful!” Sapphira cheered “Soon the island will be completely under my control, and then I shall proceed to infect the entire world, and proceed to infect the dimensional universe.”



RingmasterJ5: There was a YouTube link here, but the video doesn’t exist anymore.

SC276: So apparently the brainwashing beam is stopped by… salt water?

Topher: Curse has the same weakness as the aliens from Signs. *ding*



“No, you won’t!” shouted a voiced.



Scarlet: “Yes I will” another voice shouted.



“What?!” she turned round just in time as Celestia, who snuck her way into the building and out onto the roof,



SC276: I can just imagine the elevator ride up there.

MrSing: Ever seen that elevator scene in “Drive”? Yeah, it was nothing like that.



swiftly kicked the remote control out of her hand and sent it crashing down below, smashing it, and in turn, released Grandruler from the magnetic-field.



Scarlet: Because the magnet-beam had a killswitch tied to the remote’s destruction, I guess.

MrSing: Safety first on the Mega Death Satellite.



“I’m free!” he cried.



SC276: He said to literally no one.

Topher: Apart from the kids in his trunk.

SC276: Well that would explain how his oxygen got so low...



“You!” growled Sapphira “You will pay for this, Earth woman!” She fired a blast, but Celestia rolled out of the way, quickly grabbing a rock



SC276: What’s a rock doing on a skyscraper?

MrSing: Just doing what any other rock would’ve done in its place.



and pitched it right at the pedestal, hitting the Rainbow Rod and knocking it clear off and over the edge of the roof.



Scarlet: Holy shit, wait, did Celestia just solve literally everything? By hitting Lightning’s rod with a rock, no less?

SC276: You go, girl!

MrSing: Rock beats magic!

Dark Angel: Did you have to mention Celestia beating Lightning’s rod. I’m pretty sure that’s pedophilia.



“No!!” shouted Sapphira. Without the rod, the power ceased, and the satellite stopped firing.



SC276: ...Really? Your weapon of mass brainwashing doesn’t have a functional battery?!

Topher: Taking “batteries not included” to a whole new level.

MrSing: Once again the day is saved by budget cuts.



“The rod! We’ve got to get it!” cried Lightning, but as he tried to fly up to it, he got blasted by Flash! “Going somewhere…?” he growled and moved into position to catch the falling rod.



Scarlet: [Flash] “I’ve been waiting to touch that rod this entire story!”



Starla tried to grab it, but got kicked out of the way. It looked as if Flash was finally going to catch it, when at the last second; Krysta swopped in and grabbed it in her talons. “Forget about me?” she teased.



Scarlet: No, but I was really hoping Mykan would.

SC276: There you are, you freakin’ sparrow. Who should’ve had her legs torn off trying to catch something at that speed.



“Krysta!” cried Lightning.



She winked at him. “Catch!” and tossed the rod at him. Lightning leapt up swiftly and caught it. “Finally…! I have it back!”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Finally I can grasp my rod with my own two hands!”

SC276: OK, time to wrap up this nonsense.



Flash was outraged and planned to zap Krysta hard.



“STAR SHOWER” Starla shouted, and bombarded him with her attack. Flashed growled as the stars blasted him, and he turned back to gaze at the others.



Scarlet: Meteor Wing!



“You should know by now, you can’t outwit Starfleet!” said Lightning.



Scarlet: Well, he kind of fucking did. You got your ass saved by a regular human ex-teacher.

SC276: OK yeah, I’ll admit, Celestia saving everyone was the best thing about this entire climax.

Dark Angel: Hell, Celestia was the best part of this entire fic. She’s the only one who actually used their brains.



Flash was outraged, but not as outraged as his mother. She grabbed Celestia by the collar and held her over the ledge over the forty story drop. “They have not won yet. I can still conquer this world.”



Scarlet: [Sapphira] “I’ll just posture menacingly until you all agree to worship me just to get me to stop!”



As Celestia gazed at that wicked face, she remembered something years ago, when she and Bud were making that jump. She could see someone out of the corner of her eye shoot a small stone at Bud during the jump, the one that spooked him and caused the fatal accident forcing him to be to put down. “It was you! You killed my horse!”



SC276: FUCKING. CALLED IT!

Topher: [Celestia] “IT WAS MY HORSE!” (Smashes Sapphira with a wheelbarrow)

MrSing: Sapphira literally killed her little pony.

Dark Angel: Is there anyone who didn’t see this coming?

MrSing: The horse didn’t.



“Very good…” hissed Sapphira “And guess who I’m going to kill now for their interference?” With that, she threw Celestia hard sending her plummeting to certain doom.



SC276: I really doubt it’s certain.

Scarlet: It’s a fucking tiny island city. How tall can this building be?

SC276: Well, it did just say forty stories… At least it’s a more realistic building size than some fics I’ve seen.



“Celestia!” shouted Lightning, but Flash wouldn’t allow him and Starla to save her and held them back by striking them with his sword, knocking them down.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Oh no! If only I had a magical weapon of some sort that could counter his attacks! Some form of Rainbow Rod, perhaps!”

Topher: It’s okay, Lighting. I’m sure this never happens usually.



However, Krysta chirped loudly and a huge swarm of birds flew in from all ways and surrounded Celestia, grabbing onto her and all working together, they slowed her down as she fell, saving her.



MrSing: Good thing Celestia never kicked a pigeon in her life.

Dark Angel: Isn’t this a rip-off of Fluttershy’s cutie mark story?



“I made a few friends myself all the time we were here.” she said with a smirk “Not bad for a birdbrain.”



SC276: ...what.

Scarlet: The Cat Returns? Really? Are you going to rip off everything I loved as a child, Mykan? That one’s even Studio Ghibli!

SC276: If I see a freakin’ cat-bus, I’m blowing up Japan.

Topher: *inhales* You know, I was about to make a very tasteless joke, but I’m better than what I was about to say. Ah, heck with it, THE US DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB OF IT BEFORE!

SC276: ...Did you develop multiple personalities or did you forget that it doesn’t work in all-caps?

Topher: Yes.



“Way to go, Krysta!” cried Lightning.



As angry as Sapphira was, she had work to do. “Finish them off, my son!” she shouted



SC276: And was somehow heard forty stories down.



as she transformed into light and crystals and rocketed up into the sky.



SC276: Yeah sure, now you do that.



Flash stood ready for more, and Starla and Lightning leapt into action.



…



Now that he was free from the force,



Dark Angel: Star Wars rip-off.



Grandruler, again, positioned his craft and began to push the satellite trying to throw it out of orbit and off into space.



SC276: Or at least into the ocean, where it clearly does nothing.

Scarlet: He had no fucking reason to do this anymore, seeing as it had no power source and no control mechanism, but hey! Go ahead, big guy, risk your life unnecessarily!



He managed to shove it a little ways out, but it was too big as massive compared to his little spacecraft, he just didn’t have enough power to do it, without running out of fuel for re-entry.



SC276: And that didn't occur to our brave astronaut before now because why now?

MrSing: And he’d hate to get out and push the damn ship all the way back home.



Suddenly, Grandruler could see a bright light heading towards him. “What the-- Whoa!” he quickly veered away just as the light crashed into the satellite, causing the entire thing to glow in pale blue light, and Sapphira’s face appeared in the satellites hub where the cannon was.



SC276: ...FinalHazard now?! Can’t Mykan have one original idea?!



Her sinister laughter and voice seemed amplified. Grandruler couldn’t believe his eyes.



Scarlet: [Sapphira] “In my talons, I shape clay…”

MrSing: Or his ears, since there is no sound in space.



Sapphira didn’t need the Rainbow Rod anymore, both she and the satellite had plenty of power, allowing her to merge into it and control it at will.



SC276: Which she, for some reason, couldn’t do before now.



“Now, where were we? Ah, yes…!” and she opened fire over all corners of the Earth



MrSing: Well, the corners she could see from over there. Which is probably about 70% ocean.



as well as the island, infecting more countries and people but the minute.



SC276: What about the minute?!

Scarlet: Quick, counter her attack with Wrath of Neos!



“No!” shouted Grandruler and he armed and fired the last of his missiles at Sapphira. Not a single shot missed, but did absolutely no damage at all.



SC276: Yeah, I dunno why he thought that would change.



Sapphira turned to face him. “My turn!”



Scarlet: Draw!

SC276: ORE-SAMA NO TURN!

Topher: Yeah, whenever you guys start making anime references, I just smile and nod.

MrSing: They are referencing stuff? I thought we were just screaming gibberish this entire time.



as she charged up, Grandruler quickly reeved the controls to get out of the way as Sapphira fired a powerful beam at him, hitting the side of his craft and knocking out one of the rocket thrusters.



Scarlet: She didn’t just turn him into a Crystallite because-



“My port engine!” he cried. Without that engine he couldn’t maintain control very well, or keep his craft well in orbit, not that it mattered, as Saphira was preparing to shoot him again.



SC276: If it didn’t matter, why did you say it?!



“Abandon ship!” shouted Grandruler as he bailed out just in time before his craft was shot and destroyed in a big explosion.



SC276: [Grandruler] “Well, time to phone up a new one once I get back to Earth. Somehow.”



Grandruler was still safe using his jetpack, but now he was in more danger than ever. He only had thirty

minutes of air left, and there was no way he could get back down to Earth!



SC276: Thirty minutes? Buddy, most of my D&D battles don’t last in-game for three.

Scarlet: There’s only one option- self destruction! Do it, do it, do it!



Sapphira merely decided to leave him to his fate to die while she continued to curse the Earth.



SC276: Well that won’t come back to bite her in a few minutes.

MrSing: “Screw you, planet!”



“You have failed, Earthman. Now your planet is mine!”



Grandruler could only gaze down helplessly at the Earth.



…



All over, the magic beams were crashing on the Earth and Sapphira’s wicked spell was spreading faster by the minute. Lightning and Starla were still fighting with Flash while the others kept attacking the crystal-beasts. Buddy Rose finally lost his grip and was shoved back hard. Artie helped him up. “You okay, man?”



Scarlet: [Buddy] “It just occured to me that I shouted the wrong thing during our transformation sequence! I must have looked like such a tool!”



“Yeah, but we can’t hold out like this anymore.”



SC276: Gee, ya think?



Rhymey and the twins dodged the other beast firing his magic at them.



Scarlet: They had memorized its bullet patterns by now, so they were safe.



“What do we do now?

Lightning, tell us how!”



SC276: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!



Lightning figured by now the beasts were probably tired enough, Flash too. “Channel all your available power and use your finisher moves!” he hollered.



Scarlet: Really? Now you decide to follow Magical Girl rules? Fuck you, Mykan!



“This is going to be so awesome.” said Dyno.



SC276: I honestly doubt that, actually.

MrSing: I know it’s not going to be awesome.



“Okay, let’s go!” shouted Myte.



One by one, they each unleashed their fury.



“GALACTIC PROJECTILE.”



SC276: That is literally the most generic attack name I’ve ever heard.

MrSing: BIG FIST PUNCH!



“WHIPLASH STRIKE.”



Scarlet: Oh hey, that’s Pen Stroke’s special attack!

MrSing: He has the power of giving you the side effects of surviving a car crash.



“SUPER STAFF SPIN.”



Scarlet: That one’s just stupid!

MrSing: And inappropriate.



“THRASH SLASH.”



Scarlet: Shut the fuck up, Rhymey!



“BOOM-BOOM FLARE.”



SC276: How is a flare stronger than a rocket?

Scarlet: Look out! That psych is a level i flare!

Topher: Seriously, now Borderlands 2?

SC276: I thought he was referencing imaginary numbers.

Scarlet: ...The World Ends With You. So Zetta disappointing, people.



The beasts were struck and blasted hard. They roared and growled as their bodies’ flared and sparked, and jolted with beams and bolts, and they exploded in two big bangs.



SC276: ...Why did they literally need to be told to use their finishers to finish their enemies?

Scarlet: Because Mykan doesn’t comprehend how to write a simple, formula-based genre intended to appeal to kids who may not even be out of preschool yet.



Flash never felt so outraged in his life,



MrSing: *Monocle pops from face* “Why, I never!”



and Lightning turned to face him. “Now it’s your turn!”



“Fool!” growled Flash. “You forget, that Rainbow Rod of yours will only strengthen my power.”



SC276: ...How?

Scarlet: Flash sees the rod, Flash gets excited.

Dark Angel: Flash wants to grab and stroke Rainbow’s long, thick rod.



“Wrong!” sneered Lightning and he blasted him with a small shot, knocking Flash’s sword away and sent him skidding up the road. “You forget the Rainbow Rod’s other special power allows me to dispel and vanquish evil magic.”



MrSing: “Just let me turn the switch from ‘evil’ to ‘good’ for a moment...”



With that, his weapon began to glow brightly. “SPECTRUM STREAM”



Scarlet: Oh hey, that one almost sounds like an okay finishing attack name!



The big burst of powerful energy soared right at Flash. He stood his ground and held out his arms trying to defend himself from the blast thundering “LIGHTNING DAWN, I WILL NOT LOSE TO YOU!!”



SC276: [Flash] “I STILL NEED TO BE AROUND FOR THE ACTUAL MOVIE YOU’RE RIPPING OFF!”



“Flash, you’re too late!”



MrSing: “The bank closed five minutes ago!”



shouted Lightning and gave it all he had.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAExP_xBiRc



(Skip to 0:32)



SC276: You first!



Flash roared and growled as the force consumed all his evil energy.



MrSing: rawr!



Lightning turned his back to Flash in a heroic pose as Flash stood where he was, flaring, and sparking, and he exploded!



SC276: If you were going to write out anyway, why put the video to prove you can’t write an original idea worth a damn?! Creativity is hiding your sources!

MrSing: Damn! He’s not gonna be in Rush Hour 3.



When the smoke had cleared, Flash had transformed back into his human form, while his evil form had been imprisoned in a magical sphere.



Scarlet: Because… that’s… how that works apparently?

SC276: How does he have an “evil form?” He was naturally an alien! He was always freakin’ evil!

MrSing: He exploded the alien right out of him.



Lightning’s friends, even Celestia cheered for joy, but the mission wasn’t over yet. Lightning gazed up at the sky, and then back to Celestia. “Take care of Flash, we’re going up!”



Scarlet: Apparently I used up my “Power Rangers In Space” joke early.

Dark Angel: Could you substitute it for a “Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy” reference?



Celestia nodded, and the fighters, after activating their suit helmets to protect them, they flew up, up, up into the sky, traveling at a speed of 15.5 kilometers per second.



Scarlet: Which works out to roughly… somewhere just past nine miles a second. I think we’re a bit below lightspeed there, guys.

SC276: If writers cannot do math, Mykan probably doesn’t understand the concept of a number.

MrSing: Traveling at the speed of a somewhat fast run!



Their suits and super powers protected them, and they made it into orbit in almost no time.



SC276: In fact, they overshot and it took three days to get back.

Topher: By the time they returned, the Vogons had beat them to earth.

Dark Angel: DON’T PANIC!



As much as the friends could hardly believe they were actually in space, they kept well focussed and searched for Grandruler.



Scarlet: You had time to pay attention to the gun-limo launching?

SC276: They weren’t even in the same area!



“Look, there it is!” cried Starla.



The satellite was just coming into view,



SC276: It’s the size of the school, and it took ya this long to notice it?!

MrSing: To be fair, the satellite was space coloured.



and they could see Grandruler as well, and he looked in bad shape due to lack of oxygen.



Scarlet: I told him he should have built his limo out of Gundanium!



Sapphira could see them coming. “So, you wish to play, huh?” she growled, and she opened fire on them. “Look out!” shouted Lightning.



Scarlet: “Then play we shall! I activate my field spell!”



Everyone swerved out of the way just in time, missing the blast. Some of them tried to return fire, but they had used up a lot of their powers during the fights below,



SC276: No one ever thinks to bring the healing potions.

Scarlet: That’s what you get for not bringing a total support role on your raid!



and Sapphira still managed to deflect their blasts with her own power. “Nice try, Star-brats!” she mocked as she continued fire and the fighters continued to dodge. “We’ve got to get Grandruler out of the way!” cried Starla



The twins nodded and soared closer, scooping Grandruler up in their arms, and connected airlines from their suits to his sharing their oxygen with him.



MrSing: “Madre de Dios, his entire suit is filled with farts!”



“Hang on sir.”



Scarlet: This is a thing they can do, apparently, with the oxygen supply they have that is somehow more than what Grandruler had in his entire craft.



“…We got you.”



“No, wait…!” Grandruler cried weakly “I think I’ve discovered a weakness in the satellite.”



SC276: While drifting oxygen-deprived through outer space?

Topher: Hey, if it works for Sandra Bullock in Gravity.

MrSing: “Killing it is its only weakness.”



“Nothing any of you can do will stop me!” thundered Sapphira.



SC276: Except, y’know, drain her magic with the weapon explicitly able to drain magic. Or just use the Uniforce. Either or.



She fired right at them, but the twins carried Grandruler out of the way quickly. “We’ve got to block up the main cannon. It just may work.” said Grandruler.



Scarlet: So the secret to stopping the cannon from shooting… is to stop the cannon from shooting? Fucking brilliant!

MrSing: Just put your finger in the barrel like Bugs Bunny.



“Yeah, but what do we block it with?” asked Buddy. That’s when they realized,



MrSing: The Grandruler was just the right size!



bits of debris and wreckage from Grandruler’s destroyed craft, and they all happened on the same idea.



SC276: Stuffing the gun with the car? Isn’t this an energy weapon with an unfolding satellite dish or something? This is why you need freakin’ description.



As Sapphira continued to blast at everyone, one-by-one, the team gathered big chunks of debris, and mashed it all into one big ball. “Okay, this is it…” said Lightning “When I give the signal, everyone get as far away from the satellite as you can.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I can’t imagine I’ll possibly need back-up in any way.”

SC276: [Lightning] “We all know I’ll survive because I’m literally perfect.”



Sapphira continued to blast at everyone laughing maliciously, all the others continued to dodge the shots, but succeeding in keeping her distracted from Lightning. “Now!” shouted Lightning. The others scattered away!



Scarlet: Sapphira heard him and fired, ending the story immediately. Hurray!



“Huh?” Sapphira could see him coming straight at her with the junk-ball,



SC276: ...Why didn’t I think of this? *starts playing “Katamari on the Rocks”*



and she prepared to fire just as Lightning jammed the huge ball into the mouth of the cannon, and sped away just in time as Sapphira fired, and there was a big explosion followed by smaller explosions. Everyone shielded their eyes!



Scarlet: Apparently space debris reflects mind-control lasers. Who knew?

MrSing: Quick! Cool guys don’t look at explosions!



Even down on Earth, the explosion was so bright, everyone else hid their eyes.



MrSing: Except for Celestia and her stupid shades.

Dark Angel: Once again, Celestia is the smartest character in this fic.



Some even hit the ground, looking away. “What was that?” cried Luna.



SC276: That is a bullshit plot device exploding.



Twilight’s friends felt shivers run down their spines.



Scarlet: ~And they’re losing control~

SC276: ~I hope someday you have it all…~



…



Back up in orbit, the smoke had cleared, and Sapphira was in a big mess, the satellite was all charred, warped and busted in many areas. She felt very weary. “It’s over, Sapphira! You’ve lost!” Lightning snapped at her.



SC276: Wait, is she still merged with the satellite, or did she unfuse when it blew up?

MrSing: Do you really care?



Sapphira, weak but not totally defeated, swore that she wasn’t finished. “You may have won today, but I’ll gather my strength and strike again.” and while she was bellowing, her magical force fired out the back end of the satellite like rockets and began to fly off into space



SC276: OK, so, somehow the cannon blew up but the satellite didn’t?



“So long, Starfleet!”



MrSing: “See ya next friday at poker night.”



“Oh, no you don’t Sapphira.” said Lightning “I still have one last trick I can use.” He concentrated hard until his golden horn began to glow. The others gazed in astonishment as the glowing got brighter and Lightning chanted…



"I summon forth a mystic power

to aid me in this darkest hour

casting now upon my foe

I now unleash… this magical glow!"



Scarlet: And I invoke the power of Madeleine L’Engle to fucking sweep this poem away. Ahem… “At Tara in this fateful hour

I place all heaven and its power

And the sun with its brightness

and the snow with its whiteness

And the fire with all the strength it hath

And the lightning with its rapid wrath

And the sea with its deepness

And the rocks with their steepness

And the earth with its starkness…

All these I place, by God’s almighty power and grace

between myself and the power of darkness!” *breathes out* ...and that is how you write a poem to activate magical effects. Mykan.

SC276: Um… uh… “On the road to Alpha Centauri, I stopped for a pint of capuri”...?

Scarlet: It’s… it’s okay. It’s okay.

Topher: Oh, a poetry slam, huh? Ok!

Oh freddled gruntbuggly,

Thy micturations are to me,

As plurdled gabbleblotchits,

On a lurgid bee,

That mordiously hath blurted out,

Its earted jurtles,

Into a rancid festering confectious organ squealer,

Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles,

Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts,

And living glupules frart and slipulate,

Like jowling meated liverslime,

Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turling dromes,

And hooptiously drangle me,

With crinkly bindlewurdles,

Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,

See if I don't.

MrSing: Huh, still better than open poem night at the bar.

Dark Angel: Straight from the Vogon School of Poetry.



“…UNIFORCE” He unleashed the great burst of energy!



SC276: Yep. Called it.



Sapphira looked behind her screaming “What?! NOOOO!!” The force hit her, blasting her farther and farther out into space followed by a huge explosion!



SC276: Explosions! Everywhere! Michael Bay!



The fighters shielded their eyes again, and the people down on Earth could see it too. Sapphira was really gone!



SC276: And of course, no one checks for the body.



They could tell because without her, all those infected by her magic rays reverted back to normal.



SC276: Because yeah, magic.

Scarlet: That’s the power of Madeleine L’engle, baby.



All over Mystic Island, and all over other countries, everyone just burst into cheers of extreme joy, while up in orbit, Lightning and his friends hovered in free float above the Earth as the sun shined on them all.



SC276: Giving them all skin cancer, since they’re outside the ozone layer.

MrSing: Don’t forget that their eyes burnt out.



Lightning gazed back and forth at each of his friends, and they smiled heroically at him as Lightning proclaimed “Starfleet… Victory is ours!”



SC276: [Lightning] “Welcome to the army!”

[Artie] “Um, we didn’t agree-”

[Lightning] “No take-backsies.”



ACT FIFTEEN





Grandruler felt he would never live to put any of this behind him. Nevertheless, he brought up another one of his transforming limousines, by remote control, and followed the others back to Earth, to Mystic Island where a great reception was waiting for them all.



Scarlet: ….Wait, you have a remote-controlled fleet of these things? Why didn’t you order a simultaneous launch? You are the worst mech pilot ever!

SC276: I WAS JOKING.

MrSing: This fic. Just, this fic.



Lightning, using the gem’s magic, took back the Starfleet badges and the powers from all the others,



MrSing: “Sorry guys, only I get to be special.”



as they no longer would need them, concealing them back within the gem he wore around his neck. The others accepted, but would never forget the wonders and experiences they just had.



SC276: For all the wrong reasons.



The city sustained minimal damage,



SC276: HA HA HA HA HA HA THEY SPECIFICALLY TOPPLED BUILDINGS AND SET THEM ON FIRE.

MrSing: They toppled them only a little.



and several people were hospitalized, and around the world too, but that was just about it. Flash woke up feeling a bit sore, and he couldn’t seem to remember a thing at all, except his normal, human life. Everyone decided at best not to remind him of his Crystallite ways.



Scarlet: Or investigate whether he was faking amnesia, because they were stupid that way.

SC276: So wait, was Flash just being possessed by the the crystallite, or was this supposed to be like Nightmare Moon?



As for his evil self, Lightning was going to take him home with him to his universe where he’d spend a long time in prison. “And don’t expect your mother to bail you out this time.” he taunted.



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Because we’re setting bail really high!”



For now, Lightning was ever so relieved to have his Rainbow Rod back, and all thanks to his wonderful human friends. Grandruler helped a little, but felt it was the least he could do for not believing Lightning’s story, but everyone felt that it was Celestia who deserved more than just a little credit,



Scarlet: Here meaning all the credit, given she literally solved all your problems and her only fault was that you didn’t try just taking that shit back sooner!

SC276: VIVAT CELESTIA REX, I believe the cry was?

Scarlet: VIVAT CELESTIA REX!

Topher: VIVAT CELESTIA REX!

MrSing: VIVAT CELESTIA REX!

Dark Angel: VIVAT CELESTIA REX!



for putting her life in danger just to save everyone. Celestia also admitted she wanted to prove she was ready to try and again and start anew. Now that her horse’s death was avenged she felt she could try and make improvements in her life, and not let her temper rule.



Scarlet: A moment of silence for that fucking horse.

MrSing: The horsest horse of them all.



“I’m sorry for everything I put you through, Lightning.” she said.



SC276: Uh, yeah, no. He’s still an irredeemable jerk to authority that’s not his mentor.

Scarlet: [Celestia] “I should have put you through three times as much.”



“I’m sorry for what I did too.” Lightning said and he extended his hand to her



MrSing: Not the time for a high five, Lightning.



“Shall we let bygones be

bygones?” and they both actually shook hands setting the bygones.



Scarlet: Bygones being settled, I decided that this sentence should itself become a bygone.

SC276: Setting the bygones… on fire?

Dark Angel: Soon this entire fic will be nothing more than a bygone.



Grandruler then broke up the moment, and publicly say to Celestia, “Will you… come back to Canterlot High… Principal…?” He sounded almost as if he were proposing to her.



SC276: Oh fuck off.



Celestia gazed deeply into his honest eyes and began to see that loving light and glow she thought was forever lost. “Yes, sir, Mr. Grandruler.”



“Um… just Celesto.”



“Yes… Celesto.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “I just now noticed how stupid your name sounds, actually. And one of my students is named Rhymey.”



Luna smiled and hugged her sister “Welcome back, Celestia.”



As everyone cheered for joy and, Fluttershy noticed something shimmering in the bushes; a golden crown with some type of elemental jewel in it. “What is this?” she wondered.



SC276: OK, UH. Didn’t Fluttershy pick that up at night? Is this the wee morning of Day 30? The fuck is even going on anymore? Also, how does one describe a purple starburst as “elemental?” What element, exactly?



…



The next day,



SC276: Dawn of the Final Day, 24 Hours Remaining.



she gave that crown to Celestia, who was Principal once again, and put it away for safekeeping feeling it was just the thing to crown princess of the fall formal with.



SC276: So, Sunset spent the entire day in Equestria? In the Crystal Empire’s palace, without getting caught? ...Fuck it, I’ve stopped caring.

Scarlet: Actually, wait. In the movie, Sunset escapes through the portal and Twilight follows through the next day. So… apparently Sunset came through during the monster fight?

SC276: Actually, given that Fluttershy got the crown between the time when it went through and Sunset did, Sunset came back just after that.



Meanwhile, Lightning was clearing out his locker, for this was his absolute final day on Earth,



SC276: Or so help me God, I’ll nuclear winter the place.

MrSing: Do you promise?



as he would have to leave by midnight. As he continued to work, someone bumped into him. “Twilight…?”



It looked like her, and sounded like her, and yet she asked. “How did you know my name?”



Scarlet: [Mykan] “Because despite supposedly disliking it, I have watched every episode of My Little Pony in existence! And the spin-off film!”



Lightning figured maybe she had suffered a bit from when Flash attacked her, but her dog, Spike was there too and he didn’t seem to act so gruff and violent near him now. Lightning actually bent down and patted his little head “Hey, Spike, I’m sorry for everything me and Krysta put you through.”



Scarlet: How noble. You just now realized you were an asshole for kicking a dog.



The dog looked confused.



“And I’m sorry for everything I did to you too, Twilight. I hope you’ll forgive me.”



Twilight felt really confused but answered “Uh… sure, I forgive you.”



Scarlet: [Twilight] “For stalking me, because that’s pretty much the only way you should know who I am.”



Lightning smiled and left… completely unaware that was Princess Twilight Sparkle, from the planet Equestria, from his universe come to retrieve her stolen crown.



SC276: ...You’re literally telling us that the way pony!Twilight and Lightning met, the entire reason of existence for this long, boring, overdrawn fic… was literally just this one interaction not lasting even two minutes?! WHY NOT CUT TO JUST THAT, INSTEAD OF SUBJECTING US TO THIS ENTIRE FIC?!?!



…



That night, while Twilight Sparkle was secretly camped out in the school library, completely unaware of everything.



Scarlet: Filthy canon! Let her stew in irrelevance!

SC276: You’d think with the entire battle for the fate of the Earth that just went on, there would’ve been more buzz during that day.

MrSing: These are teenagers. They probably already forgot it over Becky wearing mismatching socks to school this morning.



Many students were gathered at Grandruler’s manor for a congratulatory and farewell party for Lightning. Celestia and Luna were there too, Rhymey had invited Fluttershy as his date,



MrSing: But all she did was laugh at him. He wrote it down as a “maybe”.



many of Twilight’s other friends were there, but still not speaking to one another,



Scarlet: This was important because-

MrSing: There is actually a really big significance to this and it’s HEY IS THAT THE PLOT OVER THERE?



and Flash Sentry, still amnesic of his evil ways, was there with his band playing music for everyone.



Scarlet: Somewhere, Adagio Dazzle feels as if she’s missed a great opportunity.



They even played the “Starfleet Theme”



SC276: Which Lightning gave them because fuck it why not.



and asked Lightning to come on stage and sing it for them, which he was delighted to, and halfway through the song, during the instrumental part, Lightning broke out dancing wildly, and leapt off the stage and into the spotlight busting some mad skills.



SC276: Look at him and his mad skillz.

Topher: 4 rillz.



His friends all joined him, and soon Lightning headed back on stage to finish the song. “All together now… everybody…!”



SC276: [Chorus Boys leader] “Together now!”



“STARFLEET…!!”



SC276: [Chorus Boys] “BAAAH!”





What a finish that was.



MrSing: It sure finished, yeah.



As the party continued, a few slow songs were played for couples to dance too. Rhymey and Fluttershy danced beautifully along the floor. “This is really nice.” she sighed heavenly.



Scarlet: [Fluttershy] “I’m so glad I’m at a large, social gathering with no support network, surrounded by people I don’t know!”

MrSing: She would complain, but she’s just too shy.



Rhymey agreed



“It’s a beautiful night.

This all feels so right.”



SC276: Shut. the fuck. UP. *punctuates with headbanging the wall*



They shared a small kiss.



Scarlet: It was made of chocolate, and Rhymey took the big half.



Lightning even asked Starla if she’d like to dance, knowing he couldn’t go to the Fall Formal with her.



SC276: Because that’s tomorrow, I’m pretty sure. Or the day after, I’m honestly beyond caring.



She was delighted to dance with him. “I know this sounds silly to ask but, do you really have to go back?” she asked as they danced.



SC276: Midquel, so yes. Plus we all know he’d oneshot Demon Sunset.



Lightning understood how she felt, but they both knew that was a silly question. Lightning didn’t belong in the human world. He had his own world, his own home, his own life to lead and his own battles to fight.



SC276: Away from all of us.

MrSing: Far, far away from canon.



“They need me back there, and well…” he wanted to tell her that he was in love with someone else, the Starla Shine he knew back there, but ultimately he couldn’t say it to her face, wanting to spare her feelings,



SC276: Plus I’m pretty sure he’s not smart enough to know how to communicate that beyond “I have to leave you for you.”



but deep down Starla could already tell it was that, but she enjoyed what little time she had left with him.



Pretty soon, it was almost for Lightning to give his final farewells,



SC276: Why are they cutting it so close?

MrSing: Don’t they realize he might stay if he’s too late?



when he and the others noticed Celestia was sitting all by herself and looking a little low. She was like that most of the night, but stopped once or twice to strike up conversation with some of the students, and even Grandruler whom she had been eying a lot.



Lightning felt he just couldn’t go without doing one last good deed,



SC276: Freakin’ spare us, you goddamn Stu.



and he approached Celestia. “You still love him don’t you?” he asked.



“Oh, well, I suppose… I--” Celestia snapped out of her stammering “What? Who…?”



Lightning gave her the look “Celestia, I know, just like I knew about Bud.”



Scarlet: Who- oh right, the horse.

MrSing: “I know you loved Bud too.”

Hehehe, “butt”.



Celestia gazed across the field at Chef Cookie Dough, who quickly turned and pretended he hadn’t seen her, but Celestia could tell he did it.



SC276: [Celestia] “So, ultimately, you triggering me was ultimately his fault. ...I’m still blaming you because you were jerkass enough to say it.”



“Yes, I do still love Celesto.” she said on the verge of tears “I always have… and I always will, and I never got to tell him.”



Scarlet: Vivat. Celestia. Rex.



Krysta flew up to them and landed on Lightning’s shoulder “Well, why don’t you just go and tell him now?”



Celestia squeezed her cup of punch tightly feeling nervous. “I can’t. I just can’t!”



“Why not?” asked Lightning “… And don’t tell me it’s because he’s your boss and he’s rich. What difference does that make? You’re both people, and people fall in love.”



Scarlet: [Celestia] “He exploited the most traumatic thing I’ve ever gone through and also fired me and shielded YOUR ass. Why would I want to ever hook up with him?”

SC276: [Lightning] “Because the author said so. Obviously.”



Krysta agreed “Just because it doesn’t feel right, doesn’t mean it isn’t right at all.”



SC276: Stop projecting, author.

MrSing: Try telling that to my lawyer.



Celestia realized that was right, and she felt a bit more confident in doing it “But… what do I say?”



“Well, try “I love you”…” said Lightning “It’s easy to say, and it’s right to the point.”



Luna, who overheard the conversation, urged her sister to do it. “You lost your chance once before, don’t blow it again.”



www.youtube.com/watch?v=BabKcs…



(Skip to 2:04… it’s sort of like this)



SC276: OK, the plagiarism has gone beyond ridiculous.

Scarlet: ~Take this sinking boat and point it home, we’ve still got time~

Topher: You couldn’t even find a decent clip?

MrSing: If Mykan ever committed a burglary he would label where and when he had stolen stuff and give the owners a call the next morning.



Celestia nodded and agreed to do it, right then and there. She got up and made her way over where she saw him talking to some of the students and sharing his life stories of being an astronaut…



Scarlet: [Grandruler] “...and that’s the story of how I accidentally danced so hard I destroyed the universe!”

MrSing: He kept telling unfunny stories about the moon and when no one laughed he sighed and said “I guess you had to be there”.



“Celesto…?”



He got up and gazed at her “Yes?”



“I have something to tell you… I should have told you years ago.”



MrSing: “I want a raise, you cheapskate.”



“What is it?”



Celestia hesitated a moment, and twiddled her fingers. “I love you.”



Scarlet: And so the land was plunged into darkness.

SC276: Oh boy, I am totally surprised. I’m gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise.



A sudden silence fell all across the yard as everyone turned to gaze in the direction.



SC276: The One Direction?

MrSing: SHHH! They can hear it when you mention their name.



Grandruler dropped his cane in surprise,



SC276: He has a cane?

Topher: It doubles as a dart gun loaded with child-size pellets.

MrSing: It can also transform into a limo that can transform into a spaceship. Being rich must be awesome.



and the students all backed away to give some space.



Celestia repeated the words, “…I love you. I always have.”



Grandruler’s cheeks turned red. “I… I don’t know what to say.”



“Do you?”



SC276: Of course he knows, he’s the freakin’ author avatar.



His lips curled into a loving smile. “Yes… I love you too. I never forgot all the times we had, but… I’m still your boss, and richer than you are.”



Scarlet: This. This is a fucking riff. But it’s in the text. How?

MrSing: “Also more handsome. I don’t want to marry you, Celestia. Why would I when I can marry me?”



“I don’t care about that.” said Celestia “We’re people, we can fall in love. Just because it doesn’t feel right doesn’t mean it isn’t.”



SC276: Stop projecting, author.



Grandruler felt soft and warm inside as he approached her and their eyes met.



SC276: *images their eyes as tentacles slapping each other repeatedly and chuckles*

Topher: *Tackles SC* I’m EYE HOLE MAN! THOSE ARE MY EYE HOLES! NOBODY ELSE GETS EYE HOLES!



Both of them only could give that same loving gaze they saw years back at the horse club. Grandruler was about ask…



SC276: But was secretly all about take.



but Celestia spoke first. “Will you marry me?”



Scarlet: Wow, that was the fastest reunion with an abusive ex I’ve seen outside reality television!

SC276: Well that was freakin’ sudden.



“I.. uh…?” His cheeks when red again, and his heart was pounding. He could see out of the corner of his eyes, all the students, Lightning and friends, and even Luna giving him the gestures to accept. He turned back and gazed into Celestia’s sparkling eyes, smiled at her and said “Yes… I will.”



Scarlet: At Tara in this fateful hour…*continues reciting that poem*

SC276: When can Lightning go home so this all stops mattering already?!



Celestia’s smile widened as tears came to her eyes, and they kissed in front of all those people who cheered for joy. Some of Twilight’s friends blubbered and blew their noses in hankies,



MrSing: Ew.



but Lightning, Krysta and Luna were easily the most happy and proud for them both.



Scarlet: *coughs up blood* Ugh… that made me physically ill just reading it.

SC276: Why would Lightning give a fuck again?



Then, it was time to say goodbye for good.



SC276: About fucking time.

MrSing: The good-goodbye.



One-by-one,



SC276: ~Sizo nqoba / ngoba thina / siya zazi...~



Lightning shook hands or accepted hugs from Twilight’s friends, and though the friends still seemed mad at each other. “I don’t know what’s got into all of you, but… try and work it out.”



SC276: [Rarity] “Don’t worry about us, darling, we got a whole movie to do that in.”



He shook hands with Buddy Rose. “Be kind to all the plants,



MrSing: I’m going to eat a salad right now just to spite him.



I think we owe them that much for all that damage we did.”



Scarlet: [Buddy] “Seriously? That’s all you have to say to me? Meh, whatever.”



Buddy nodded “You bet I will.”



He shook hands with Artie. “You’ll be a great artist someday.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “I’m still confused on earth-human language to some degree. ‘Artists’ are the people who work at Starbucks, correct?”



“I know I will, thanks to all the inspiration you’ve given me.”



SC276: [Artie] “Inspiration to do the exact opposite.”

MrSing: I think we all know what needs to be said.



He shook hands with Rhymey. “I’ve only known you for so long, but our friendship will always be strong.”



Scarlet: Shut the fuck up, Lightning!



Rhymey chuckled that Lightning had just made a rhyme,



“I’ll never forget you,

And Fluttershy won’t too.”



Scarlet: And Rhymey! You... whatever, it’s almost over.

Topher: And Fluttershy won’t either, you language butchering twatwaffle.

MrSing: Rhymey, we barely knew thee. Let’s keep it that way.



Lightning nodded and then bid farewell do the twins.



SC276: Only if they’re both girls and both hot.



“Hasta La Vista, amigo,



MrSing: That’s Spanish for see you later, friend.



It was great to know you” said Dyno. “And God speed to you and your force.” added Myte.



Scarlet: [Dyno] “But seriously don’t come back again or we’ll kick your ass.”



Lightning smiled and thanked them both for all they had done.



He bid farewell to Luna, and then to Celestia and Celesto. “Sorry I can’t be there for the wedding, but good luck you two, and try not to get on each other’s nerves again.”



The couple chuckled, and promised to stay true to each other.



Scarlet: As Celestia clutched her concealed weapon.

SC276: The main trigger for all her anger issues is going back and not returning until at least Rainbow Rocks. They’ll be fine.



Finally, there was Starla. He didn’t shake her hand, but just gazed at her.



MrSing: Too be fair, her hands were really filthy.



“I want you to have this.” he said as he gave her the drawing he made of the Rainbow Rod way back, as a remembrance.



SC276: You… somehow still have it.



She was flattered to receive it. “I wish I had something for you.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “You having accepted a detailed drawing of my rod is enough.”

SC276: Fuckin’ kiss already.



Lightning shook his head. “There’s no way I could forget you, or any of this.”



MrSing: “But by god I’ll try.”



Starla almost felt like jumping into his arms and planting on him, but she had that feeling he already had someone special, so she merely gave him a peck on the cheek. “Thanks for everything.” she said.



“No… thank you!” he said and pecked her back.



Scarlet: Oh god, he’s pecking out her eyes! Noooooo!

SC276: GAME OVER EASY

MrSing: SC276! I was eating, man!



Then he stood in the open yard, with Krysta on his shoulder, the Rainbow Rod and the evil Flash Sentry still in his sphere attached to his belt. He got out the transport gem and rubbed it in the moonlight causing the vortex to appear.



Scarlet: And for me to vanish. Tally-ho! *leaps through the vortex*

SC276: Hey wait, don’t leave m-! *trips and falls* Ow.



Everyone else stepped well back as the winds picked up. Lightning stood tall and saluted farewell to everyone. They saluted back, and Lightning jumped into the vortex… and was gone!



SC276: GOOD RIDDANCE.



He and Krysta, again, found themselves swirling around and around in all those bright lights and colors, and then they blacked out again.



SC276: OK, someone killed them. Who wants the credit?

MrSing: Man, I’m just glad to be here for it.



Author’s Theory:



This may only be my world, but… it does present the ideal that since Pinkie Pie witnessed all this, that she would make that lucky guess about Twilight being a pony and stuff.



Scarlet: *lands back at the starting position* ...I got back just in time for Mykan to try to be clever. It’s almost precious.

SC276: But Pinkie didn’t know about Lightning being an alicorn, necessarily.

MrSing: Mykan doesn’t make notes, he makes “theories”.



CLOSING ACT



SC276: Another word for “Epilogue,” a.k.a. yet another author that doesn’t understand how this stuff works.



“Lightning… Lightning...”



MrSing: “Thunder... Thunder...”



Lightning could hear the voice of his master echoing. He slowly opened his eyes, and his vision became clear. He found he was in a bed in the palace hospital wing, and Starla gazing over him; the pony Starla and all his other friends were there too. “What happened?”



Scarlet: So Starla and… Starla? Both Starla? What?

SC276: I’m pretty sure there’s only one Starla, and Mykan just sucks at communicating.

MrSing: She followed him through the portal, obviously.



The Grand Ruler was there too. “It’s all right, Lightning. You made it. You’re back in Unicornicopia.”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “Thank god! I had the most amazing dream! You were there, and you, and you-”



Lightning felt his face and realized his was back in his pony form. He still had the Rainbow Rod. The evil Flash Sentry had been taken to prison,



SC276: Which he knows somehow.

MrSing: Flash had left a note.



and the transport gem had completely run out of power and was destroyed.



SC276: Meanwhile, the pendant with the emergency human power suits had disappeared and he had the strangest feeling in his ass.



“Krysta! Where is she…?”



Scarlet: [Grand Ruler] “Well, um, about that stain on your hoof…”



“Lightning…!” Krysta cried. She had regained her normal form and hovered over to him, and him. “We made it. What an adventure!”



“…One of our absolute best, Krysta!”



Scarlet: [Lightning] “We should endanger parallel universes through our incompetence more often!”

SC276: [Lighting] “Which is why we won’t mention it ever again unless we somehow run into someone else that’s been there.”



His friends huddled around him, and welcomed him home, but they were soon told to leave by the palace physician.



MrSing: “Don’t touch him, god only knows where he’s been.”



Lightning needed plenty of rest after traveling through a powerful inter-dimensional space warp.



Scarlet: And a chance to polish his rod, of course.

Dark Angel: Don’t use too much lube this time, or else it will be too easy for someone to take it out of your hands again.



Grand Ruler stayed behind a moment to offer his compliments to Lightning on a job well done. “You’ve traveled farther beyond the stars than me or anyone has before, and saved two worlds from what would have been a disaster.”



Scarlet; [Grand Ruler] “Granted you did it entirely because I bailed you out at every turn, so I’m going to give myself all the credit! Good job, me!”



Lightning smiled “I did have some help.” he said as he gestured to Krysta.



SC276: She caught two falling things. That was pretty much the majority of her contribution.



She acted a little shy, but Grand Ruler was still proud of them both. “Get some rest, now. I look forward to reading your report when you recover. Starfleet owes much to you, My Brave Pony.”



Scarlet: Oh shit, look out! It’s the title! *jumps to the right to avoid being smashed as it drops*

SC276: *jumps left and hits the wall, is smacked into the foreground*

Topher: *Runs around in a little circle, screaming*

MrSing: *Bursts into flames.*

Dark Angel: *Just stands there, choosing not to get caught up in the anarchy”



Then he left Lightning and Krysta alone, but Lightning couldn’t see to get the events from his adventure out of his mind.



SC276: Uh, try that sentence again?



It was a really strange world those humans had.



MrSing: It was filled with *shudders* civilians.



“Do you think we’ll ever go back someday?” he asked Krysta. She thought that would be so cool, “But I don’t see how. The gem is gone, and we don’t know where that second gateway is located.”



Scarlet: If there are any digi-gnomes listening in on this, I will go berserk.



Lightning agreed and was prepared to face it, but he always kept in mind that as long as he continued to believe and have faith, nothing would be all that impossible. For now, he was just glad to be home.



Scarlet: The End-



…



By this point, the images had faded, and all those sitting at the dinner table were amazed, especially Lightning and Twilight, having seen that final moment at school. “So, that girl was you.” Lightning said.



“Wow.” Twilight said “I can’t believe it; I actually met you before I really met you.”



Scarlet: Wait, there’s more?

RingmasterJ5: I just want to point out that these people have been sitting here all this time just watching this movie in the middle of their meal.

SC276: This is what happens when you skip parts, witch.

Scarlet: I wasn’t even part of the core group then!

Topher: Part of me wants to read my Brave Pony so that this all makes more sense. However, It’s Mykan. Could it really help?

SC276: No. Don’t. Seriously, don’t. I had a riff to filter it though and oh dear lord...

MrSing: I don’t regret a letter of the stuff I skipped.



Spike wasn’t sure how to add that up into sense, but ignored it and continued to eat his food.



“Wait…!” Krysta asked “Then, what happened between you and Flash?”



Scarlet: Both more and less than the fandom believes. *rimshot*



Twilight hated being reminded of it, and didn’t feel like saying, so Cadance filled in for her. “Well, it turned out that the Flash Sentry from my royal guard in the old Crystal Empire; he was caught and exposed as a traitor and a thief after he failed to smuggle treasures and important secrets for himself. He was arrested, and sent to prison for life.”



Scarlet: Mykan has convinced me to become a Flash Sentry fan. Just to spite him.

SC276: Eh, I think he’s OK, just not really all that remarkable. Also, life sentence for treasure and information struggling? That’s freakin’ harsh.

MrSing: Fascism is a real bummer.

Dark Angel: How is it that human!Flash was the son of this evil being who tried to take over the world, while pony!Flash was just a petty theft and had no connection to Sapphira?



Twilight softly clenched her fists as she felt the grief eating at her heart. “He was just acting in love with me to keep me and everyone distracted.”



Everyone felt sorry for Twilight, but she perked her head up and smiled thankfully for having more friends than one fraud. Now she had more time to practice her battle training, and get her wings back.



Scarlet: Which is- wait what? Did I miss something here? Did he de-alicorn Twilight?

SC276: Again, this is what happens when you skip parts.

MrSing: She left her wings at home.



“Oh, Nellie, this is where we came in.” sighed Applejack.



Still, everyone amazed at how the story played out, and how some of the situations were almost compared to predicting the future, especially the couples.



Scarlet: Oh, especially. Yes. Such shipping. Wow.

SC276: Totally foresight and not written after the fact.



Lightning was with Starla, and she didn’t seem to mind that much if he spent time with the human version of herself. After all, they weren’t officially a couple then, and even still it was her in many ways. “I won’t label that as cheating.”



Scarlet: You know, I’m glad that Friendship Games conclusively proved that alt- universe incarnations may have seriously different outlooks and experiences than their counterparts. Because fuck this story.

SC276: Nerdy glasses Twilight is best Twilight.

Dark Angel: Also, nerdy glasses Twilight proves that this fic is no longer eligible without using an “Alternate Universe” tag.



Rhymey had Fluttershy, and they both felt a little embarrassed and shy, but at least they felt it together. “That was still sweet.” said Fluttershy.



“It won’t ever be beat.” Her colt-friend rhymed.



Scarlet: Come a little closer, Rhymey! *sharpens knives*

MrSing: That sounded a lot like a challenge.



And their royal majesties themselves were happily married with children,



MrSing: HOW IS THAT LEGAL- Oh, you mean they had children, heh.

Dark Angel: Knowing the intelligence level of this fic, your first assumption was probably true.



though they both were concerned about the stuck up and furious attitudes their human versions started out with when no such thing ever happened with them.



Scarlet: Wait, there’s a biological Celestia foal in this story? Quick, murder Grand Ruler so we can preserve the Celestial dynasty!

SC276: Blah blah missed part blah.



Shining Armor and Cadance were still a little confused as to why they had no human alterations of themselves.



SC276: Thankfully, we now know that’s because they were at a completely different school entirely.



Goldwin didn’t have one either, but he didn’t seem to mind as he was only a statue.



MrSing: Way to be stone-ist, story.

Dark Angel: Actually, there was a human version of Goldwin. But he was completely stoned.



“I never thought so many worlds could exist beyond our own.” he said “I wish I could see more of it.”



Scarlet: I can show you many worlds. Of course, you’ll have to take a look at this sharp, pointy thing first.

SC276: Let’s break up the Hexahedron so we can drop-kick him through the holes in space-time.



Everyone thought the same thing,



MrSing: “Did I leave the stove on?”

Dark Angel: “Did I leave the windows open when I left the dog in the car?”



but with both the mirror and the gem destroyed and the power vanquished, and no alternative ways; that didn’t seem very likely to happen. “Perhaps someday we will get a chance.” Celestia said. Her husband agreed, and gazed out the windows at the starry night skies. “Space and Beyond.”



MrSing: “Would be a really crappy name for a band.”

Dark Angel: “Would make a really crappy name for a sequel.”



he muttered “Whatever mysteries they have to hide, will all be uncovered… with time.”



Scarlet: Time I’ve already wasted reading this story. Get to the end!



All the others agreed with him, and the scene zoomed out, away from the palace and overlooking it and all over New Canterlot, and the screen faded to black!



Scarlet: ...The… the screen. The screen? The Screeenn… ahahahaha. Ahahahaha. Ha. Haha. hooooooo, boy.

SC276: By the way, did I ever mention the first part had a whole title sequence too?

MrSing: You mean I could have switched the channel this entire time?



…



As the credits began to roll, the My Little Pony song started up again. “Wait! Hold it!” snapped Lightning, and the scene froze and the music stopped. Lightning leapt down from above, “You’re doing it again…! This isn’t Friendship is Magic. Change it up, now!”



Scarlet: Holy shit! He’s started to penetrate the layers of the fourth wall! Any closer and he will, I repeat, he will become self aware and audience-aware! We have a situation!

SC276: In fact, Lightning interrupted the title sequence exactly like this.



The credits restarted, this time, with Starfleet’s theme. “Thank you.” Lightning called up.



Scarlet: There’s no time to reinforce! Brace yourselves!



(Breaks Fourth Wall)



Scarlet: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-

MrSing: Oh my god, he’s even more hideous up close.



“And thank you for watching/reading!”



Scarlet: -oooooooooo…. wait. If he’s aware of us, does that mean I can kill him for real?

Topher: *Pulls out a Bazooka, opens fire* DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE am I holding this backwards? *looks behind him, at the smoking ruins of the riff.. uh… place.* Oh god! The Riff… place- Ok, can we PLEASE establish where we are?

Scarlet: I am everywhere, and I am also nowhere.

Topher: THAT’S NOT HELPFUL!

SC276: Fuck, the slingshots aren’t ready yet! Hold him still-

MrSing: He’s too slippery and pale!

Dark Angel: Okay, I’ve got a nuke set up! But I don’t want to leave anything to chance. Will the rest of you help add destructive power to the nu-

RingmasterJ5: Topher, establishing locations during riffs can lead to bad things, hence why we aren’t doing it.



(Unbroken)



SC276: ...Oh dammit.

Scarlet: That’s right, you’d better run!

Dark Angel: Well, at least I have a nuke for the next time a shitfic tries to break the forth wall again.



As soon as he left the credits and cast rolled to the Starfleet song,



www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEtf3o…



(Skip to 1:15)



Scarlet: Um… what is that?

SC276: Another one of Mykan’s things that he continues to do even though everyone tells him it’s horrible. You think his damaging work was just fanfiction?

MrSing: Oh christ, have we been making fun of an actual mentally challenged guy this entire time?

Dark Angel: I just watched that “animation”, and now I have to go chug a keg of Pepto Bismol.



…and all the while, images were shown of different scenes from the movie.



Scarlet: No, I’m sorry, roll back. What the fuck is that?

RingmasterJ5: Exactly what it looks like. Mykan himself singing a theme song to the fic.

Scarlet: Oh. My. God. Why did none of you tell me this was coming? This is… this is

goddamn beautiful! It even has little flash animations! They’re fucking terrible!

RingmasterJ5: Why would I want to spoil the surprise?

Scarlet: I could seriously kiss you right now. This is the best moment I have ever experienced in a riff. Nothing could eclipse the narm that was the last seven minutes I spent watching that.

RingmasterJ5: ...I’ll pass on the kiss, but I’ll follow up by saying that he has 101 of these. That are all this bad. And all done as Beast Boy because… who the fuck knows? Here’s the rest of the pony-specific ones.

Scarlet: ~Freude, schöner Götterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium~

SC276: Why did I watch that. I can feel my brain eating itself. Mostly because that stupid tune is stuck in my head now. Hang on, I’m going to grab MandoPony’s FNAF fanmusic and get back once I’ve been cleansed.



www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUBUyj…



(Skip to 2:42)



Scarlet: ...He’s… he’s closing with his own music. What the hell am I even. And the most disturbing thing about this? Mykan is not the worst singer. I mean, his lyrics suck, but he’s just competent enough to sell the bullshit he’s making. I almost want to quit riffing the fic and focus on these from now on.

SC276: *tosses away a scrubbrush as he re-enters* OK, I’m good again. Let’s finish this.



Aftermaths in the human world,



SC276: Presumably after Sunset tries to turn the student body into her army and is redeemed by TASTE THE RAINBOW...



like Buddy Rose opening his very own Community Garden. Artie becoming a college class artist.



MrSing: Living the hipster dream.



Starla became a major astronomer and astrologist for her age. Rhymey started his own café and poetry corner,



MrSing: Living the other hipster dream.

Dark Angel: Oh god! He’s spreading the shit that spews from his mouth to the open public!



and the twins became super strong construction workers and miners.



Scarlet: They died on the job, when an industrial accident involving unsafe explosives took out half the site.

MrSing: Of course the Latinos end up in the mines, what was I expecting?

Dark Angel: My Little Mykan: Racism is Magic.



www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss0kFN…





There was also a few scenes of Celestia and Celesto’s wedding.



Scarlet: That’s… that’s it? That’s all the text?

SC276: Of course even in the thing for his own author avatar - the second one in this continuity, maybe third if you count Lightning - he summarizes all over it. The least he should do if he’s going to walk us through a freakin’ imaginary credits sequence is have a stinger or something! Augh, this is easily the second-worst fanfic I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen the original Magic is Believing! It’s boring, it’s predictable, it’s infuriating... The “sweetest dream” here is that this fic is over! I want to go and rewatch Friendship Games to stamp out the last remaining traces of this fic from my head, though I suppose leaving out a proper wall of text for something that’s plagued this group for four months would be criminal… *takes a deep breath* Let’s start with the fact that, compared to Magic is Believing, Starfleet Humans substantially increases its attempts to pretend it’s working in a visual medium instead of text. This includes things like having opening and closing credits, increased reliance on visual tropes such as fades to black, and the mid-”film” musical number that choreographs itself as visually as possible. In text. My #1 worst fanfic does it too, and it doesn’t work. All you’re communicating is that you want a career in television and refuse to try and work at it. Read some novels, figure out how to use your freakin’ medium. Speaking of which, I’ll just touch on this since it got covered in more detail in previous parts: Mykan’s writing has not improved at all since Magic is Believing, and perhaps EARLIER. He continues to make scenes by taking parts from other works of fiction across all mediums and stitch them together and hope that gives the epic awesome story he has in his head. His main character is a know-it-all with a bad attitude towards authority that didn’t raise him from near-birth that is better than everyone else at everything ever, gets through all obstacles in his way with either that or the author avatar tearing it down by being in charge of everything ever, and he doesn’t hit any substantial obstacles until the climax, and even then the author avatar gives him the power to destroy all the obstacles. The other characters are no better; the canons are cardboard, the OCs are just as bland on both sides of the universal divide, the villain is hackneyed and has illogical plans that work out only because the plot says so just like every other villain Mykan’s ever written… Sunset’s decent, but her motivations regarding Lightning fluctuate too wildly; I have no idea where she stands before she departs for Equestria. Honestly, the best character in this fic is Principal Celestia. Sure, her anger is nothing that makes sense in canon, but it’s caused only by Lightning’s terrible and borderline suicide disrespect and Grandruler screwing the rules, and she ends up being the only character that attacks the villain during the climax and succeeds before she goes FinalHazard! Hell, arguably, she’s the only character that has an arc! Vivat Celestia Rex, indeed!

Scarlet: Personally, I think it’s safe to say that Mykan is officially the dumbest author we have ever covered, if not the worst. Starfleet is Magic fails on every possible level- as MLP fanfic, as a stand-alone story, or even as a Power Rangers rip-off. My only entertainment value this entire riff comes from the knowledge that Mykan has a massive mancrush on Greg Cipes.

SC276: Wait, what? Really?

Scarlet: He keeps stating that Greg Cipes is the voice of Lightning- actually, sorry, having looked up who Greg Cipes actually is, Mykan has a massive mancrush on Beast Boy. Well, I’m never watching Teen Titans again.

SC276: Yeah, uh, I don’t think “massive mancrush” covers the extent of the brain damage, given that’s basically proof that he visualizes Lightning as having the voice of Beast Boy, who - at least in the cartoon - is basically a sidekick. Not to put the character down or anything, but that is not the voice of a lead. And honestly, trying to tie all this shit back to Teen Titans somehow is such a Mykan thing to do, I’m surprised I didn’t predict that.

Topher: Allow me to abridge that wall of text for us lazy people. THIS STORY IS SHIT, ITS PREQUEL IS SHIT, ALL OF MYKAN’S WORK IS SHIT. However, now that the story is over, It’s time for the final tally… we made *drumroll* 61 DICK JOKES ABOUT THE RAINBOW ROD! GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!

MrSing: Have a good one. And remember, riff responsibly.

SC276: ...Wait shoot, I forgot about the slingshot- OH GOD NOT AGAIN

Golden Freddy: REEEAAAAAAAH

*sounds of massive violence*

Crazy56U: (pops head in) (waves) Hi. (stops waving) Bye. (pops head out)





* * *





RingmasterJ5: Right-click to comment, and put “(name you want to be known as):” before every comment you make if you want to be known as something other than your Google username.

GelidEnmity: Information acquired: Subject Mykan is not depressed, nor is this all real. As I have assumed, he is not writing this to get away from FiM, only as an excuse to write an exact copy of something else. Don’t hold back.



Author's notes:

I do not ever wish to watch FIM,



CTOONfan1: Well we're off to a good start, huh?



nor do I wish to be part of the brigade, but I grew tired of the so-called "Bronies"



Ungulateman: Ah yes, “Bronies”, we have dismissed that term.



bothering me and daring me



Ungulateman: I dare you. I DOUBLE dare you, mother fucker!



to make a fanfic.



RingmasterJ5: Who the hell was TRYING to get him to make this?

Ezn: His other personality is a brony.

DiStort: This actually isn’t the first time I’ve seen this, people who don’t like FiM, but still make fanfics for it. Quite an odd phenomenon.

Isphone: I’ve also seen plans for suicide that include ripping your own head off.

Svensvenderson: Hang on guys, “Love and Tolerate,” remember?

RLYoshi: This fanfiction makes me want to punch him rather than love and tolerate.

GelidEnmity: Love and Tolerate with brass.





So I'm creating this, a whole new universe so that I don't have to watch FIM… it's all new… well, to me it is.



RingmasterJ5: And to everyone else, it’s idiotic.

Crazy56U: Wow. He just spelled out that this is going to SUUUUCK.

Wild Trotter: This might actually be better than his wangst-filled fanfics...but even then it’s not saying much.



This way, maybe I can break free…!



RingmasterJ5: Free from what? Bronies? FiM?

Anon13: Queen songs.

Crazy56U: Yes, writing a FiM fanfic that ignores FiM will "free" you. ...SUUUUCK.

RLYoshi: I bet he thinks that he could break free from jail if he wrote a story about the jail that ignored the jail. Have I said jail enough tonight?

GelidEnmity: Yes.

…

PROLOGUE/INTRO



RingmasterJ5: MST/RIFF

Scawking: I'd like to share something with anypony who thinks the author isn't serious, might possibly be trolling or half-assing this piece of fiction:

http://youtu.be/wElKlpgPGVU

Crazy56U: … …

DiStort: My god! The failure levels are off the charts!

Svensvenderson: Guys, I think we’ve found the Manos of MLP fanfic.

DiStort: I’ll go queue up the Torgo music...

Wild Trotter: Oh, this is gonna be fun.





(Deep voice…)



Ezn: "In a world..."

Disco: “One man...”

Crazy56U: “Will make an absolute trainwreck.”

Wild Trotter: “A travesty just ripe for Abobo to unleash his unbridled fury upon!”

Soren: She's an Evil Enchantress, and she does evil dances...



Far off in a distant dimension is the magical kingdom of Unicornicopia—



Wild Trotter: Wow, real original.

Crazy56U: Done! (leaves) … (comes back) They won’t let me leave.

RingmasterJ5: Along with Pegasuperabundance, and Earth, the prison continent.

Isphone: and on the other side of the planet is a place called Tamriel.



home to many winged unicorns of different sizes and colors.



RingmasterJ5: Wait, wings? Then why isn’t it called Alicornicopia?

chaossorcerer: Cause the author does not know one thing about the show.

Anon13: Well, he knows just enough to rip it off.



All were under the watchful eye of their grand ruler; the legendary tri-horned alicorn,



RingmasterJ5: The byproduct of a horrifying one-night-stand between a pony and a triceratops.

Crazy56U: SO many inappropriate jokes to be made here.

Isphone: There are so many things I don’t want to know about that.

Wild Trotter: And now if you’ll excuse me, I need to scrub my brain.



and he was known as that because, unlike any other unicorn, he had three horns instead of one.



RingmasterJ5: He was also a proud member of the Department of Redundancy Department.

Isphone: You don’t say?

Svensvenderson: Let me guess, one is the horn of Wisdom, one is Power, and the other is Courage?

Disco: Nah. More like boredom, stupidity, and shallowness.



All, of which, were golden.



RingmasterJ5: Of course, gold-plating his horns severely limited his magic capabilities, but he just thought it looked cool, omnipotent powers be damned.

RLYoshi: Fashion over function. This guy must be good friends with Rarity.

T_K_17: They also had built in wi-fi, unblockable laser cannons, and were, like, a BAJILLION percent cooler than Celestia's. So there!

GelidEnmity: ”Whose bright fucking idea was it to make them all out of gold?!”



It was the grand ruler's solemn duty to protect his kingdom, maintain the balances of all nature,



CTOONfan1: Author: "and make sure to top those brony losers on every turn!"



and look after the young unicorns.



RingmasterJ5: He called that his “special time”.



Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life, for they knew that



Ezn: they could turn to drinking instead.



the real magic came from the magic of



RingmasterJ5: Yeah, we get it. Friendship, kindness, etc... We’ve heard it all be-



believing!



RingmasterJ5: Well, that’s certainly a new one.

max-vader: Any second now, he’s going to scream “JESUS LOVES YOU!” at us.

Anon13: In the first draft it was vodka.

Isphone: I like that idea better.

Crazy56U: Personally, I'm a alcohol man myself. (pulls out a cooler full of beer) ...as of now.



But then, evil forces to attack the kingdom,



CTOONfan1: Oh no. Generic evil forces. I'm so scared.

ungulateman: You dropped your grammar there.

Anon13: He was too scared to hold on to it.



led by a powerful and evil sorcerer from another dimension



CTOONfan1: The terror. It just builds and builds.

RingmasterJ5: Voldemort?

Wild Trotter: The Serpent Riders?

RLYoshi: Israphel?

GelidEnmity: Me?

chaossorcerer: I was thinking it was the Antimonitor or some other dimensional conqueror. But not even Lord Vyce would touch that world with a stick



who sought to obtain all the magic he could find,



RingmasterJ5: Aww, not Voldemort.

DiStort: I didn’t know magic was a tangible resource.



and rule all worlds and all dimensions with darkness and chaos.



Wild Trotter: And unlimited internet access? This sorcerer doesn’t seem that bad.



The unicorns tried to reason with him but the sorcerer merely scoffed at their friendly ways, and talk of believing,



RingmasterJ5: Talk of friendship would have gone over much better.



and unleashed his dark magic, threatening the entire kingdom with chaos and destruction.



DiStort: Wait, I thought it was darkness and chaos.

Wild Trotter: Gloom and doom would fit better, really.



The unicorns band together,



CTOONfan1: and rocked the whole night away.

RingmasterJ5: AHH! Random tense shift!

Svensvenderson: Actually, it was just the band called Unicorns Together.

RLYoshi: I love their song "Please Stab My Eyes Out With Your Horn". It fits my response to this story well.



but proved to be no match for the magic that threatened their world, but when all hope seemed lost, The Grand Ruler leapt into action to



Ezn: measure some distances.



defend his kingdom and subjects, and using the power of his golden horn,



Microshazm: The left one?

Wild Trotter: The middle one?

CTOONfan1: Obviously the right one is right.

GelidEnmity: When in doubt, go left.



he unleashed the mighty magic of the uniforce…!



RingmasterJ5: AKA “stabbing him through the heart with a gold horn”.

CTOONfan1: It was about a third as effective as the triforce.

Crazy56U: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody!



The sorcerer was overpowered and conquered!



RingmasterJ5: And dead.

DiStort: But he got better.

ungulateman: Sorcerer so OP nerf now.



Despite calls for his death,



Wild Trotter: And a swift end to this debacle.



The Grand Ruler, whom many feared too kind,



Pename: Weird, I wouldn't exactly be afraid of anybody too kind. "Oh no, he might polite me to death!"



merely banished the fallen sorcerer to the Dimension of Darkness



DiStort: A subsidiary of the Shadow Realm.

Microshazm: Both the Moon and the Phantom Zone were occupied.

Svensvenderson: And the Negative Zone would have been too cliche.

Wild Trotter: And Doomworld’s demons would think nothing of inter-dimensional affairs like this fiasco.

RatherHomely: Key word merely. The Dimension of Darkness is actually a pretty pleasant place.

chaossorcerer: Yeah. Unfortunately the internet connection is kinda slow there



as fitting punishment for his treachery.



chaossorcerer: Brilliant idea. Ban the sorcerer, who gains his power through the forces of evil, to the dimension of darkness.



The sorcerer vowed to one day return to finish what started, and all that existed would belong to him.



Wild Trotter: The Icon of Sin would beg to differ.



In time, the events and the threat were forgotten, and peace returned to Unicornicopia



Crazy56U: …sigh. (opens a can, chugs beer)



where the unicorns continued to live their lives through the magic of believing.



Ezn: Excuse me while I do a quick find-and-replace with "believing"/"friendship" and "sorceror"/"Nightmare Moon".

…

A small white unicorn, with a brown short mane, and a marking "AO0C"



Ezn: Adult Only Zero Calories? Keep your kinks to yourself!



on his chest armor finished the story.



SelfMarth17: Well, that was a short fanfic.

RingmasterJ5: Code numbers? Chest armor? Is this story about military ponies?

T_K_17: Wait, if it's in a book, how can it say the "events were forgotten"? Someone obviously remembered.



His companion, a small fairy with long blonde hair, and wearing a pink skirt felt puzzled.



Ezn: Wearing A Pink Skirt was always puzzled about why her name never got capitalised.

Midnight: psst, it’s a boy fairy...

RingmasterJ5: Uhh, no it isn’t.



"So it really does exist, Lightning…?" she asked.



Midnight: or at least a very mannish one... okay, fine, ruin my dreams for yaoi saving this fic.

Wild Trotter: *shudders*



"It sure does, Krysta." responded Lightning "But I don't know why The Grand Ruler told me to come here, or why he wants me to be his apprentice.



T_K_17: He likes training retards. Gives him a challenge.

RingmasterJ5: Because the plot demands it.



He knows I can't do magic just like other unicorns."



Wild Trotter: Lightning: “And yet the unicorn ladies hit on me. Weird.”

DiStort: These are some pretty lame unicorns.

RingmasterJ5: “All my magic does is set things on fire!”

Pename: Strange, the idea of things burning in this story is appealing to me.

RLYoshi: The idea of just this story burning is appealing to me.



It was true!



Ezn: IT'S SOO TRUE

Isphone: LAY EGG IS TRUE!



Though Lightning Dawn was indeed a unicorn, for some reason he just couldn't seem to perform magic like any other could.



Ezn: Many unicorns suffer from Magical Dysfunction. Speak to your doctor about Myhornzaflopin today.

Disco: If your magic doesn’t work for more than four hours, consult a physician immediately.



The only thing unusual about him was he had a golden horn, but he still didn't understand.



max-vader: He is Christopher Lee, the Man with the Golden Horn.

RingmasterJ5: He never made the connection that gold-plating his horn as a child could severely impair his magic.



Still, he and Krysta had only just arrived in Unicornicopia the other day,



CTOONfan1: Author: "after barely escaping those crazy ponies in Equestria. Gosh, do they suck."



and had just settled into Lightning's new tower-house, in a part of the Kingdom called White Village,



RingmasterJ5: ...You’ve got to be kidding me. Let me guess, “Black Town” and “Yellow City” are nearby?

DiStort: When did we end up in Kanto? Are Lightning and Krysta training to be Pokemon masters?



and he was instructed by his master, The Grand Ruler…



DiStort: Celestia forbid our royalty actually be named.

Midnight: If you name them, you gain their measure.



"Once you arrive, you should go out and meet your newfound future friends and comrades.



Ezn: But in Soviet Unicornicopia, comrades meet you!



They have already been told of your coming and are anxious to meet you,



GelidEnmity: The terms “coming” and “Anxious” should never be used in the same context. Ever.



and may very well help you, but no matter where you go, Lightning,



CTOONfan1: the bronies will still think you're this world's Anti-Twilight Sparkle.

Anon13: Assuming they give a crap about your existence.



and no matter what you do… always remember to believe."



RingmasterJ5: “..that I never had that ‘special time’ with you all those years ago.”



Lightning could hardly understand what all this "Believing" was supposed to mean either.



T_K_17: All he knows about it is that he shouldn't stop.

SennenRyu: Should he hold on to that feeling?

RingmasterJ5: “He thought he was supposed to learn about friendship instead.”

Isphone: In Soviet Unicornicopia, to investigate friendship is to not blindly believe in it’s power as you are told to do in school, and that makes you a bad turnip.

Crazy56U: Please stop using that name. The more I see it, the more I get depressed. ...and drunk. (chug)



"Well we won't know just sitting around here." said Krsyta.



RingmasterJ5: ...who randomly decided to change the spelling of her name right then and there.

Ezn: "Does this spelling make my flank look big?"



"We should get going."

Lightning smiled and agreed, and as he spread his wings for takeoff, "Hey, Krsyta…?



Pename: "Uh, wait, no, Krystal, uh, Krystine... Chris Rock... Chrysanthemum..."

RingmasterJ5: Yep, looks like they’re keeping it.

GelidEnmity: KER-SIE-TAH. Sounds like a Dovah Shout...



Thanks, you know… for always hanging with me and stuff."



Anon13: “Even though I’m incredibly lame.”

GelidEnmity: Like, totally not, like, cool, like, dude. And stuff.



The little fairy smiled and pecked Lightning on the cheek.



RatherHomely: “Sorry if I keep pecking on the cheek, my mom had an affair with a woodpecker.”



"Lightning, if anyone should be thankful, it's me."



T_K_17: Krysta: "Though I'd be a little more thankful if you took at least some effort to conceal the wing-boner you get every time I approach you."



Lightning: "Dammit!"



She meant that, for a very good reason, but now was not the time to be thinking of that



RingmasterJ5: Eww...did the author just imply a pony/fairy romance?

Wild Trotter: (zaps self in head) Must... unsee.





as Krysta sat on Lightning's head and Lightning took off over the lands of his new home.

MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Magic is believing)



RingmasterJ5: It just gets worse from here.

Midnight: ...it gets worse?

Disco: How is that even possible?!

Crazy56U: ...crap, I need more beer.

T_K_17: Well that’s nice, but it’s missing something. Let’s give this thing a theme song:



My Little Mykan

My Little Mykan

Ahh ahh ahh ahhh…

(My Little Mykan)

I used to wonder what CHANGES could be

(My Little Mykan)

Until you all shared that ssssssstuff with me

No adventure / tons of shit

An anti-love quest / I'll never quit

Ripping off's / an easy feat

Especially if it’s from Sesame Street

(You have my little Mykan)

Doncha know I'll never have any friiiieeeeennddds



Author's notes:

I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM



RingmasterJ5: Nah.

Anon13: I’d rather remember FiM and forget this story.

Midnight: I’m in my happy place... I’m in my happy place... *rocks back and forth*

Crazy56U: Same here, Midnight. (chug) Same here.

DiStort: I’m really not seeing what the point of this story is. To create a new fandom to combat Bronies? If that’s what he meant to do, he’s doing it wrong.

Midnight: He’s doing it wrong if he’s trying to write a story.

Gelid-Fucking-Enmity: The person who did this is an ass. Seriously, you’re writing FiM fics, it should be based entirely on FiM!!!

Midnight: pssst! He is!



and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!



CTOONfan1: I have a hard time saying the word pl... pl... rutabaga. Dang it!



Things are going to be different around here,



Ezn: "I've changed all the names!"



and at least if I write it this way I don't have to watch the show which isn't a good idea.



RatherHomely: I wholeheartedly agree. Writing this was not a good idea.

CTOONfan1: No, here's how it goes: Good Idea, watching the show. Bad Idea, reading this and having to drill your eyes out.

RingmasterJ5: A recurring thing you’ll notice in the author’s notes: He acts like watching FiM would be the end of the world for him. It’s really strange. Oh, and, I wanted to show you all his “update” about this:



December 27th, 2011...

To those who are still curious about my "My Little Unicorn Magic is Believing" fic,



CTOONfan1: Author: "it's an obvious ripoff to something I haven't seen because I'm too afraid I might... LIKE it."

Anon13: You poor bastard. Not for that, just in general.



here is the explinations you seek...



ungulateman: I don't want it to be explined!

Crazy56U: I don’t care! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CARE?!?! (throws can)



First of all, I don't write fanfics for fun and games (That's the least bit) I write them because I'm angry and frustrated, and in pain.



ungulateman: Exactly the frame of mind conducive to quality story-telling!

Anon13: And want to share those feelings with everyone!

Disco: Ugh, I feel dirty.

Midnight: Just like Daddy shares his feelings with Mommy and me and the bottle!

Crazy56U: ♫Crawwwwling in my skiiiiiin...♫

Svensvenderson: At least most emos have the decency not to share their idiotic poetry with others.

Wild Trotter: I doubt other emos would want to be anywhere near this guy.



Example: this clip of mine will show you what I mean

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqzL6b3g4_c



CTOONfan1: No! Don't bring anything Teen Titans related into this thing! Just no!

RatherHomely: Oh my... It looks like we may be in over our heads. This fic could get ugly...

Anon13: get ugly?

RatherHomely: True.



Not just Teen Titans (Which affects me the worst above all of them) But Digimon... 6teen... Inuyasha... Zelda... The Orphen Video game... and many many others.



CTOONfan1: Stop dragging the things I love into this!

T_K_17: Yeah! Leave the timeless classic Orphen Video game alone!

SennenRyu: So, wait... He hates good entertainment... because they all reach an inevitable conclusion? That's like hating your younger sibling because people die!

RingmasterJ5: Wait, The Orphan? That horror movie with the psychotic midget from a few years ago? How the hell did that get a game?



I'm not crazy, or homicidal,



T_K_17: "I just act like these are positive and understandable traits."

SelfMarth17: "I'm not crazy. I just fantasize about Beast Boy destroying reality because his girlfriend dumped him!"

Anon13: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. And I’m the Queen of Rumania.



and I'll NEVER do anything really stupid.



RLYoshi: (bursts out laughing)

RingmasterJ5: Except for writing this fic...sorry, continue.

GelidEnmity: Damn, I was hoping he’d do something stupid...



I'm ust very upset and feel helpless. Besides, what else would I do anyway... since I find moving on from it to be impossible?



Wild Trotter: Sucks to be you, then.

CTOONfan1: Ignore the pony stuff on the web, stick to what you like, and continue to live your life?

Anon13: For certain values of "life" very close to zero.



Many things on TV, in games, even in everyday life can start to remind me of all that/ The reason I will not watch FIM is because it reminds me of the many bad cartoon endings



DiStort: Dude, it’s a Hasbro tie-in show. It’s not DESIGNED to end.



I’ve seen (Teen Titans, 6teen, Digimon… and many more) and how the frustration is so unbearable that it keeps me awake at night with so many thoughts and torment of how all is ruined, and that I need to make more fics to empty my head so I can sleep better.



Svensvenderson: I think this guy needs more help than writing fanfics can provide.

DiStort: “Drugs, drugs, drugs! Ask your mom or ask your dad!”



Plus, I don’t believe Friendship is the real magic at all.



T_K_17: "It's just imitation magic, like margarine."



(Since I and most people who even watch the show) are friendless,



Scawking: That's not true. I realized that once I understood how happy I am to be here, to see you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my very best friends!

Soren: ...nicely done. brohoof



and can’t make friends.



Wild Trotter: Well, you sad, strange little man, you need shock treatment.



I fell the real magic comes from within, even if you have no friends you can still believe



max-vader: Yeah, why actually improve your life when you can indulge in delusional fantasies instead!

chaossorcerer: Mykan: Because it is so easy! STOP JUDGING ME!

ungulateman: When you think about it, he's basically saying imaginary friends are better than real ones. Wow.



(Despite how Lightning is)

So I can’t really watch FIM at all… it’s too dangerous and I won't take the risk of being hurt again.



Disco: Issues, much?

DiStort: I don’t really see how your failing personal life translates into disliking cartoon ponies, but whatever.

GelidEnmity: Now I really hate this guy.



(I tried to watch just one episode and felt sadened and frustrated for three whole days!)



Crazy56U: Oh, BOO HOO. Call me when I should care. (opens new beer can, chugs)

Soren: For THREE. WHOLE. DAYS. You poor thing, having to watch only the most awesome thing on this sad rock of a planet we live on.

Anon13: No, no, he tried to watch. This is all because of the internet connection fail from hell.

DiStort: Must still be on dial-up. That explains why he has no friends.

Wild Trotter: Ugh. I wouldn’t want to meet this guy, that’s for sure.



I just can't watch it. I can't be part of their world... and I CANNOT believe that Friendship is Magic... THAT IS A LIE!!!



RatherHomely: No, the cake is a- (punched in the face)

Ezn: "You simply must stop writing these dusty old books and make some friends!"

Wild Trotter: Therapy might be just the thing. Trust me, dude, you REALLY need it.



However, since flamers and spammers who are SO CAiLLED "Bronies"



RLYoshi: So-called bronies? What, are there brony posers now? ASIDE FROM YOU?!



continue to mock at me and say I can't make an MLP fic at all.



DiStort: Can’t imagine why.



I decided to prove them wrong! However, since I can't watch FIM,



Anon13: Why not? Will your eyes explode twice? Will your brain melt? Will you suddenly start treating people in your social circles nicer and throw everybody off? We--Must--Know!

RingmasterJ5: Uhh... what “social circles”? This author literally has no friends.

Anon13: So... not only should he watch, he needs to. Ha!



and I don't really wnat to get all that much into it... my only option is to try and BREAK OFF from it.



CTOONfan1: By writing an alternate universe that basically rips it off from the get-go.

Wild Trotter: Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.



So I created Magic Is Believing...



DiStort: So... you’re proving them wrong about how you cannot make an MLP fic by creating something that is only tangentially related to it in the loosest sense. Logic.exe not found.

GelidEnmity: More like got infected by a sadistic whore-monger of a virus.

Midnight: for the cerebrally impaired, take note that the entire plot of this story is ripped off wholesale from a certain first episode of a cartoon involving talking magical pastel diminutive equines. One can only assume he continues as he has begun.

Disco: Plagiarism Is Magic!



An alternate universe with creatures, plottings and rules of my own.



CTOONfan1: For instance, every Friday is Worship Dakari-King Mykan day.

Anon13: That would explain the flood of refugees...



This way I don't HAVE to watch FIM,



T_K_17: "Now I can be content with just looking at pictures of Celestia's ass."

ungulateman: Sounds like more fun than this trainwreck.

Ezn: Most folk would stop at "eh, it's not my thing".

DiStort: Most folk have entire brains.



and the plotings and rules can't be OOC... becuase they're all pretty much fresh.



RingmasterJ5: Except for the parts where you rip FiM off, which is a lot.

Midnight: Indeed, finding where it isn’t ripped off is harder.

Crazy56U: I haven’t given that part that much attention to be frank. My medicine helps against that kind o’ pain. (chug)

RLYoshi: Oh, Crazy56U. "My Little Alcoholic: Beer Is Magic."

Crazy56U: It is... Oh Celestia, it is. (chug)



My goal is to use newer and different ideals that FIM doens't have.



Soren: Like what? Shitty plot?



For Starters...

I made them Anthropomorphics



Ezn: because I'm a furry.

SelfMarth17: Mykan: "OH PRINCESS CELESTIA, YOU ARE A PONY *Fap Fap Fap*"

Crazy56U: (chug) ...why does that sound like you’re telling the truth?

GelidEnmity: ...That’s just horrifying.



so they can do things I've seen that inspired me to make them that way. Dance... jump... fight more effectively...



Anon13: … do we even need to mention the other item in that list?

Midnight: ...gardening?

Crazy56U: ...flip us the bird. (chug) Because that’s what I think they’re doing.



I added Faries to be more original, and add other mysteries to the adventure (Plus, Twilight had a Dragon... so Lightning will have a fairy_



Midnight: Do I get to shout “liar liar, pants on fire” now, or later, since he knows that?

Svensvenderson: If Krysta/Krsyta starts shouting “Hey! Listen!” I’m leaving.

RLYoshi: If this damn author's note doesn't end soon, I'm leaving before she gets a chance.



The Unicornicopians are ALL winged unicorns so this way they all can have some of the same characteristics.



DiStort: Pony communism, basically.

Wild Trotter: Why not give those unicorns jetpacks instead?



(Best of all... everyone can fly)

The Grand Ruler... is an Alicorn that has three unicorn horns and golden pegasus wings. Now that IS different... and original.



Ezn: and stupid.

Midnight: When every character is Sue, then your head Sue must be EVEN MORE SUE.

DiStort: SUECEPTION.

Crazy56U: (hugs cooler) OH GOD, IT’S HAPPENED.

Midnight: WE MUST GET SUER

GelidEnmity: Pregnant with a Sue named Sue with a cutie mark resembling a Sue killing another Sue who was being eaten by a larger Sue... I’m trying too hard...

Isphone:



I got rid of the cuite marks (Since I don't understand them)



ungulateman: If you don't understand something, REMOVE IT! Brilliant!

RingmasterJ5: ...HOW. Well, it does seem kind of possible, but a whole new system? Why?

Svensvenderson: Because when writing angsty fanfiction, one must ask “WHY NOT?!”

DiStort: Why not MARRY interesting stories if you love them so much?!

GelidEnmity: Do you want to marry it? WELL I WON’T LET YOU. How does that feel?



and replaced them with serial numbers.



max-vader: "Also, I gave my Super-pony a Charlie Chaplin moustache to make him fit with this new theme. On an unrelated note, his most trusted subordinates will now be called the S(uper) S(ervants)."



I find it adds a neat twist



Microshazm: And a lot of dead brain cells.



and helps it so you cna't confuse two unicorns of the same color.



Midnight: This is going to sound pedantic but.. serial numbers? Really? that’s “easier” than cutie marks?

DiStort: Yes, let’s replace colorful, individualized symbols with cold numbers. Brilliant.

SelfMarth17: I object to your callous disregard for Mykan's genius... There's cold letters there too!

Anon13: Means you don’t have to deal with that pesky “imagination”.

RingmasterJ5: “Sparkle pony, bug pony, apple pony, gem pony, balloon pony, gay lightning pony” - Mykan’s version of the Mane Six’s cutie marks.

Midnight: actually, it’s “pony #1, pony #2, pony #3”



Finally, unlike the Equestrians... the Unicorns magics and purposes are different. The Unicorns are basicaly a warrior-race, their soul purpose is to FIGHT to DEFEND.



DiStort: A fantasy world where characters can settle their problems with actions beyond violence? Hmm... nah. Let’s stick with something stale and overused.

Wild Trotter: Have these unicorns heard of deathmatch?



Protecting the dimesnions... as well as Equestria and their own from as much evil as they can.



Wild Trotter: Surely, they'll stand up to even Deathbringer Thanatos and his massive, trans-universal armies, buuuut I digress.



This is why they usually wear torso armor, pants/skirts, and boots.



Wild Trotter: Why not make them wear friggin' power armor while you're at it?



Their powers and magic are mostly used for battle and combat, while others are used for other purposes...



Wild Trotter: “Other purposes” saved solely for clopfics, I presume.

GelidEnmity: Where can I get some of THAT magic!?



-Attack

-Defense

-Inteligence



Anon13: No comment.

Midnight: - vows to create something original - mentions equestria - does not compute

GelidEnmity: SOMEPONY’S BEEN PLAYING TOO MUCH D&D...



-Speed

-Healing

And various others depending on that one's mastery of power (The Grand Ruler, having lived for a long time has mastered all sorts of magic, but even he has his share of flaws)



Ezn: his nam is grand ruler not mary su! hes depressed and he cuts himself!

DiStort: AGGHH FLASHBACKS SHUT UP.



The unicorns usually go about their daily lives lviving normally



Ezn: Teach me the secrets of lviving normally!

Crazy56U: Why do I get the suspicion that he’s been drinking too... it would help explain things. (hiccup)

RLYoshi: How are you hiccuping? We've drank the same amount and I'm still sober.

Crazy56U: I get drunk easily. Duh.



and not relying on their magic powers, becuase they are so deadly,



CTOONfan1: If he even THINKS about using magic, you're dead.

SennenRyu: Belief powers their magic. They use as little magic as possible. Thereby, the population is made of cynics who go out of their way to disbelieve everything.



and might make things worse.



Svensvenderson: The Power Ranger “Don’t use the big guns until 5 minutes left in the episode” ethos.

DiStort: Except the Power Rangers can get away with it because they’re awesome. This guy is decidedly NOT awesome.



Then there's the uniforce, which I deem either just as strong, or stronger than the Elements of Harmony



Svensvenderson: Naturally.

GelidEnmity: Do you have a character named Link in there too!?

T_K_17: Oh yeah? Well I just made the TKforce, which I deem more powerful than the uniforce, as well as any other force you make PLUS INFINITY!



(Since I don't wnat to use the Elements either"



chaossorcerer: Understandable, seeing how Mykan is the total opposite of them. He lies to get his way, he betrays his "friends" (aka bootlickers) , he tries not to enjoy thinks but only tries to be less pissed of, he does not believe in friendship, he wished people to get raped and he is a greedy bastard who always wants his way. Congratulation, he represents the Elements of Discord.

Anon13: A fic in which the Mane 6 wax his ass would be much better than this.

RingmasterJ5: Hell, at least THAT would bring him pain.

Anon13: More than his angst-ridden life under the tyranny of MLP?

RingmasterJ5: Hmm...maybe.



The uniforce is the ultimate power of a rare golden horn. By using the Uniforce, a Unicorn can increase its magic cappabilites to infinity,



CTOONfan1: Yes, but can they go beyond?



but the uniforce also focusses all the energy of the unicorn into one concentrated burst. Afterwhich, depending on the inner strength of the unicorn, it could be left weak and draine dof much power and energy.



Anon13: And English.

DiStort: Spelling and grammar this bad physically hurts me to read. As Dr. Forrester might call it, (grabs microphone) DEEEEP HURTING.

Svensvenderson: Pen Stroke, I would like to officially apologize for any and all grammar and spelling errors I made fun of.

Disco: Everything’s relative.

Wild Trotter: I’ve seen worse grammar, honestly.



The uniforce is very powerful, and must be used wisely. Do not underestiate its full cappabilties.

Sorry I got carried away.



Anon13: Just go with the guys in the white coats, it’s easier.



All that up there is just for my own world. I'm making the fic becuase I was mocked, dared, and don't seem to have any other choice.



CTOONfan1: Of course you could, I don't know, NOT do it.



I must continue. I just can't trust FIM at all...



Ezn: Yeah, that TV show might break into your house one night and rape you.

DiStort: WITH FRIENDSHIP. (He certainly could use some.)

chaossorcerer: I hope "Friendship" is what you call your baseball bat with nails in it.

DiStort: Don't be silly. "Friendship" is what I call my large medieval mace. "Tolerance" is the bat.

Wild Trotter: Well Mr. Author, Nyx would like to have a word with you.

mephistopheles2.0: Really, as bad as this douche is, I can't help but feel completely awful for him. He'll never know friendship, not that it isn't completely his own fault, nor understand why the series is so wonderful. He's like Voldemort, except he's also powerless, uncharismatic, stupid and real.



and I don't know if ever should, but I must continue.

I repeat, I am not crazy, homicidal, murderous, or anything of any nature of that sort to anyone.



DiStort: I don’t seem to recall anyone but yourself accusing you of that, but thanks for the reminder.

Anon13: Time to class up the place: “The author doth protest too much, methinks.”



I'm just very frustrated and just trying to ease up. Is that so wrong...?



max-vader: I bet John Wayne Gacy would have said the exact same thing.



PS: I am not part pf FIM PONYCHAN...Whoever that Dakari King Mykan is is an imposter! I would never join an FIM site, and if I did do you honestly think I'd behave like such an animal?



T_K_17: Do you really want us to answer that question?

Ezn: Animals can join FIM sites? Cooool.



RingmasterJ5: And now, as me and Ezn have already taken most of the good riffs from the above, have the first chapter!

Midnight: Oh goddess, there’s more D:

Isphone: Come my brother in smarmy comments. There is lulz to be has.

GelidEnmity: We gonna make him squeal like a pig?



EPISODE ONE

(Part one)



Wild Trotter: Finally, time for the main event.



There were many different places in Unicornicopia; most were named after their colors.



Ezn: in an act of prejudice against the colour-blind.

Midnight: and as an affront to those serial-number ponies who wanted to call their towns in binary and hex

GelidEnmity: 01000101 01000110 01000110 00100000 01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01000100 01001001 01000011 01001011 01010111 01000101 01000101 01000100 00100001 00100001 00100001



Bluesville… Greenland… Orange-Range…



DiStort: But not Lavender Town. Anthro-ponies don’t like the music there.



but the central and largest area was called Rainbow City Central,



DiStort: To get there, you had to drive along the Rainbow Road, and that’s never fun, with all of the chain-chomps and whatnot.

chaossorcerer: Sounds like the gayest place in the entire world. Well, after San Francisco.



where most Unicorns went to have fun,



RLYoshi: Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

ungulateman: Unicorns just wanna have fun~



or do their duties.



Svensvenderson: Sometimes both.

GelidEnmity: There is a mysterious fourth option nopony dares speak of...



Lightning could see them all down below, the anthropomorphic unicorns having fun, going to work, or some just



Ezn: being abominations to all that is good and pure.

Midnight: whilst the non-anthropomorphic scum were below ground and out of sight where they belonged. Damned four-hooved beasts...

Wild Trotter: A select few are no doubt very eager to rip and tear in battle.



flying around.

"I should find someplace to land." said Lightning "Not around here. It's too crowded." said Krysta.



RatherHomely: God forbid they have to land in a place where they need to interact with other sentient beings!



With that, they both decided to fly around and look for someplace soft.



T_K_17: They settled on Mykan's skull.



There was a nice vacant area near a large garden with vegetables and beautiful flowers and plants. The perfect place to land…!

"Wow!" exclaimed Lightning as he gazed at the lovely flowers. "Double wow!" added Krysta



RatherHomely: The “wow” has been doubled!



as she hovered around sniffing the many sensational smells.



Ezn: Sniff this flower, maaan... this is some good manure right here.

Svensvenderson: This whole fic is manure.

GelidEnmity:



"Mmm…!" But then her nose began to twitch,



wzahnel1: Pinkie Pie: That means the quality of the writing is about to fall! It... happens fairly constantly while reading this fic.



"Ah… Ah… Ah-Ah…!"

"Krysta…?" cried Lightning "Krysta, No!" but Krysta had already sneezed



"AH-CHOO…!"



Wild Trotter: And then her boobs blimped out to twice the size of her body. (beat) Say what you will, I'd read a short story about Krysta being a booby fairy over the rest of this fic, anyday.



and even though she was just a little fairy,



DiStort: Wait a tick. A fairy? Named Krysta? DUDE. WE’RE IN FERNGULLY. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.

Disco: My childhood is dead.

RingmasterJ5: Well, this could be the Big Lipped Alligator Moment of FiM fanfiction, so...



that single sneeze caused the flower she sniffed to keel over and lose all its petals. "Oh! Oh my!" cried Krysta.



RatherHomely: Oh no! Her magical sneeze just blew the petals off a flower! Just like what any normal sneeze would do!

Ezn: Krysta couldn't live with her murderous ways anymore, and promptly committed seppuku.

Midnight: and she was promptly replaced by her evil twin, krsyta. Sshhh, spoilers!



That's when a red unicorn came dashing over. "Oh, no…! Not again?" he groaned as he gently began to scoop the fallen flower into a pot. Krysta apologized but the red unicorn said it wasn't her fault.



Ezn: "You're one of the protagonists, after all!"



"They always keel over when they make someone sneeze. I can fix it, no problem. There's no finer gardener than me."



Anon13: “That’s right, folks, I’m … just that awesome.”

chaossorcerer: May I introduce you to Poison Ivy?



Lightning was amazed. "You mean, you grew all this?" he asked.

The other unicorn nodded. "My name's Buddy Rose.



Ezn: "My parents thought it was funny..."

Anon13: You might have heard of my cousin Axl.



Code-Number: FT5H.



DiStort: If only that actually meant something.

Midnight: silly DiStort, serial numbers make it so easy to tell what a pony does for a living, see, uh.. the.. uh.. umm... er... look at the silly monkey!

Svensvenderson: Please tell me I’m not the only one who finds referring to sentient beings by a serial number just a little creepy.

Disco: A little?

GelidEnmity: Serial Numbers on sentients! If the Nazis did it, we can too!



I'm the caretaker of the community garden. I can handle any flower, tree, weed-



GelidEnmity: Then kill this freakin’ “Story”!!!

Crazy56U: PLEASE! In the name of everything good and pure, listen to the sober man! (burp)

GelidEnmity: … Who said I was sober?



anything that grows."



RatherHomely: Unicorns grow. That means he “handles” them too.



and in no time at all, the flower Krysta had ruined was standing upright again, and Buddy didn't seem to use any form of magic but rather ordinary gardening.

"Hmm!" remarked Lightning. "That's amazing. Oh by the way… I'm…"

"Lightning Dawn…? I know." said Buddy.



CTOONfan1: "I've been stalking you for weeks."



"The Grand Ruler told everyone to expect you."



Ezn: "I hope you will measure up to the expectations he has set."

T_K_17: "He also said we should close the gates around the city when we find out you've arrived so you can't escape."



"Uh… yeah… he did." said Lightning.

Buddy hated to dash off but he had a few other vegetables to take care of.



CTOONfan1: He helped treat the coma victims at the local hospital.



"Oh I'm sorry to impose, but could you do me a really big favor?" he asked while giving Lightning a small basket of vegetables.



"Ugh…!"

"Could you take these to the Rainbow Dish Inn



T_K_17: Home of the delicious Pink Pies and Apple Jacks.

DiStort: Oh, great. Now I’m going to be wondering all day whether or not that was intentional.

CTOONfan1: NO FRIKIN' WAY HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE SHOW.

GelidEnmity: Anyone else smell the stench of a Troll?

RLYoshi: Smells more like alcohol. Then again, I'm sitting next to Crazy56U.

Crazy56U: (smack)



, when you go through town? Please?" and before Lightning could answer, Buddy had gone off, "Thank you!" he called back.

"Perfect!" Lightning scoffed.



CTOONfan1: "I was heading there anyway after visiting the Fluttershy General Store."

Anon13: Mykan: Hey, quit reading ahead!



"Well… that went well." joked Krysta.

…

It was a good thing that Unicornicopians were anthropomorphic, meaning



Ezn: Mykan could get off to them.

CTOONfan1: Because that's a thing they think about all the time. Like how I'm often thankful humans breathe.



Lightning could just stand upright and walk on his hind legs while using his front legs like arms to carry the basket.



Midnight: Lightning Butt spent a lot of time being glad for being anthropomorphic, unlike those soulless abominations the non-morphs. This way he could spent lots of time being glad how doors had handles and light switches turned lights both on AND off...



"Oh! This is heavy…!" he groaned.



Ezn: Great Scott!

Crazy56U: Oh, if only Doc Brown and his DeLorean were here. One trip through time and this wouldn’t have happened.



Krysta wished she could help. Though she was small, some of her fairy magic allowed her to lift objects hundreds of times her own weight, but the basket was much too big and heavy for her. "Why don't you sit and rest?" she suggested. "Good idea!" Lightning panted and slumped down on a bench, almost dropping the basket. "Oh! My poor hooves..!"



Ezn: The price of clopping.



It was times like this Lightning hated the fact he couldn't do magic.



Anon13: … that’s gonna come up a lot, isn’t it?



Suddenly he heard someone say, "Excuse me…?"



RatherHomely: “You’re bringing pain to everyone reading this. Please stop.”



The voice belonged to an orange unicorn, wearing a red artist's hat, just up ahead who was painting on a canvas. "…you kind of walked into the way of the scenery."

"Ugh!" groaned Lightning,



Svensvenderson: Lightning is apparently quite fond of groaning.

Isphone: Spell Nexus has his breathing, Lightning has his groans.

DiStort: Don’t forget about Nyx and her chirping.



but then the other unicorn caught the sight of Krysta. "Is that a…fairy?"



chaossorcerer: No, it is a butterfly that cosplays as a human.



His eyes lit up like the sun.



RatherHomely: “GAH! MY EYES!”



"Hold still, please!" he said with excitement. Krysta felt confused, but did as she was told, and in almost no time the artist showed her and Lightning his



Ezn: Just leavin’ this here.



painting. "I shall call it… Fairy in the park."



Anon13: Hey, you didn’t paint Krysta... HEY!



Krysta thought it was incredible.



Ezn: She never did make it as an art critic.



It looked so real and she seemed so beautiful in the picture,



Wild Trotter: Though she noted her huge chest balloons made the cut.



much to Lighting's dismay that "I notice I'm not in there." he said to himself.



DiStort: “The painting’s called “Fairy in the Park,” not “Fairy and Massive Tool in the Park.””



The unicorn introduced himself as Artie. Code-number: HV7J.



RatherHomely: Hold on, let me grab a piece of paper so I can write these codes down...

Anon13: Let me save you the trouble: the secret message is "Remember to drink your Ovaltine. And ignore how much I suck.”



He loved to pain,

GelidEnmity:

Ezn: “CRAAWLLING IN MY HORNS... THIS FIC, IT WILL NOT HEAL...”



draw, and sculpt. "You should come to my art gallery sometime, both of you."



Ezn: “It’s a mobile gallery. In a white van.”



Krysta's eyes lit up, "We'd love to." She said.

"Yes… but we have an errand to."



Svensvenderson: An errand to what?



Lightning quickly said as he scooped Krysta in his right wing. "Let's go, Krysta!" and he ran off with the basket of vegetables, much to Artie's confusion, but he couldn't wait to tell all his viewers



Ezn: on his livestream



that he had just seen and painted a real-live fairy.



RatherHomely: So far he’d only been working with dead ones.



Krysta thought that was rude of Lightning. But Lightning thought Artie was a little too eccentric, especially how the way he acted as if he had never seen a fairy before, but that was pretty much the case as Krysta was the only fairy in the entire dimension, but that wasn't important now.



DiStort: The nerve of that guy, having a completely rational reaction.



Right now they were exiting the park and could see the city up ahead, but what Lightning couldn't see, as the basket was blocking his view, was a yellow unicorn right out in front of him.

CRASH! The vegetables were everywhere. Lightning felt the whole world spinning. "What hit me?" he groaned.



DiStort: A large meteor, if I had my way.



He got up and the yellow unicorn apologized.

"I'm very sorry to have knocked you down.

I was in hurry to get into town."

Lightning apologized too, as she should have watched where he was going.



Microshazm: "Everyone's eyes should be on me, but I'm sorry for not having made that clear yet."

Svensvenderson: Wait, I thought Lightning was a he?

Midnight: DON’T JUDGE HER!!!

Ezn: Proper Etiquette would be proud.



He and Krysta, along with the other unicorn picked up the vegetables and putting them back in the basket…

"I'll help you as part of my task." said the unicorn "Say! Are you Lightning Dawn, may I ask?"

"Uh… yes… I am…."



RatherHomely: “Hold on... need to catch... my breath...”



answered Lightning "And this is Krysta."

"Um… do you always speak like that?" asked Krysta.

The unicorn chuckled…

"If you mean if I always speak in rhyme…



RatherHomely: Need some original ideas for characters? BAM! RHYMING! IS BEAUTIFUL!



The answer is yes… all the time."



Anon13: “Funny, you don’t look zebra.”

max-vader: Your gimmick here is rather lame,

the author should feel burning shame.

DiStort: Please. Anthro-ponies is one thing. But anthro-zebras? That’s just SICK.



"My name is XL7Z.



Svensvenderson: Rhyme that one. I dare you.

Midnight: “I’d like to get you into bed”



But if you wish, you may call me Rhymey.



RatherHomely: Need an original name for a character that talks in rhymes? BAM! RHYMEY! IS BEAUTIFUL!



I love to speak in Rhyme, you see.

…as well as writing odes and poetry…"



chaossorcerer: According to a rumor,

he speaks like that because of a brain tumor



"I was on my way to a rendezvous…

…when I accidently ran into you

I hope that in future we can chat,

But if you'll excuse me, I must scat."



Midnight: Watch were you put your hooves... eew. Also, tell me how much you like oranges.

T_K_17: "I have little time, in which I must buy an orange.

For you see, I... Fuck!"



Then he flew off leaving a much confused but amazed Krysta and Lightning. "Wow! He sure loves to rhyme." said Krysta.



Ezn: An astute observation.

RatherHomely: Elementary, my dear Ezn!



"And to think we'll that when we meet him next time." added Lightning. Then he and Krysta realized they both just made a rhyme, and they were both not amused.



Anon13: NEITHER WERE WE.

T_K_17: They are dead inside.



…

Once fully inside Rainbow City Central, Lightning felt



Ezn: an impending climax.

Anon13: (Brit accent:) GET ON WIF IT!



lost. There were so many places, buildings, and unicorns everywhere.



Anon13: Yeah, you get a lot of those in a unicorn(-or-whatever-you-are) city.

GelidEnmity: YOU DON’T SAY?

Midnight: unicorns and buildings in a unicorn city? NO WAY :O



"Terrific! How am I supposed to figure out where to now?"



Midnight: where to, and how do I go even do as much like?



"Uh, Lightning…?" said Krysta. "Isn't that our destination right there…?"



Svensvenderson: Krysta: The unsure GPS.



Just ahead was a building with a chef's hat for a roof,



RatherHomely: The repairs for water damage must be ENORMOUS!



and a sign with a blue unicorn that read "Cookie Dough's Rainbow Dish Inn."

Lightning looked annoyed. "So it is." he simply said.



Anon13: I never would have thought of looking right in front of me!



So they both headed right in.

The restaurant seemed packed.



DiStort: But the customers were actually just optical illusions.



There so many unicorns of many colors, and number-codes. Some, who looked as if they had already eaten, were still eating.



Anon13: They actually took more than one bite? Whoa!



"They must've really been hungry." said Krysta. Then, as she sniffed the air, she could tell why.



RatherHomely: They were all hobos?



The smell of so many wonderful foods... "Oh! Oh my…! It smells so good."



GelidEnmity: “Oh... OH... OH MY... SO F’CKIN’ GOOD!!!



"Krysta, this is no time to be thinking about food." snapped lightning, but suddenly he took a whiff and felt just as she did. "I've never smelled anything like it."



RatherHomely: What is this strange thing called... “food”?



That's when the big doors to the kitchen opened and several waiters and waitresses came out holding tureens and trays of delicious hot foods, fresh tossed salads,



T_K_17: Along with other euphemisms for gay sex.



fruits and pastries, and then… all the customers rose out of their seats and applauded as the head chef came out. It was that same blue unicorn from the sign on the restaurant. He wore a white chef's hat, apron, and his code-number was BP1D, yet everyone cheered"Hail Cookie Dough! Hail Cookie Dough!"



Anon13: Tollhouse Uber Alles!

GelidEnmity: Nice one. Fits perfectly with that last Nazi comment I made.

Wild Trotter: Is B.J. Blazkowicz man enough to take on Herr Cookie Dough?

GelidEnmity: Or Mecha-Herr Cookie Dough?



"Honored guests…" Cookie Dough



RatherHomely: “Meet my sister, Tossed Salad, and my brother, Raw Meat!”



announced. "You're admiration of my humble fare, is most appreciated. It fills my heart with joy to fills your stomachs with delight. Eat hearty, everyone!"



For the Plot: "Because tonight, we dine in HELL!"

Wild Trotter: Oh please, everyone knows Scorpion makes a better cook.



The customers all cheered and continued to feast, but Lightning followed Cookie Dough



Svensvenderson: Would that make Cookie Dough a Lightning rod?

RLYoshi: BA-DUM TISH.



into the kitchen. "Um… excuse me… Cookie Dough?" he asked.

Cookie Dough turned round, "Oh! You must be the new delivery unicorn, just set those vegetables down over there in the corner."



RatherHomely: “Those rapscallions are getting a time out!”



Lightning did as he was told but then said, "Actually, I'm Lightning Dawn."

Cookie Dough turned round again. "You mean, THE Lightning Dawn? The new apprentice of The Grand Ruler…?"

"Y…y…yeah…"



DiStort: “Never heard of you.”



Before Lightning knew it, Cookie Dough had given him and Krysta a special table right there in the kitchen



Svensvenderson: Why is there a special table in the kitchen?

T_K_17: So the customers don't have to look at them.



and prepared a small meal for them, despite Lightning trying to protest that he wasn't very hungry, but Cookie Dough insisted, and the two were forced to watch him skillfully mix, mash, slice, and chop up all the foods he would use to cook with. It was almost hypnotic to watch.



Midnight: You know, this... meeting of ponies that possess certain characteristics, I can’t help but think it reminds me of another show with ponies in it that follows almost this exact same plot...

Anon13: Pound Puppies?

DiStort: The Snorks?

Scawking: Scooby Doo?

Isphone: Fox News?

Crazy56U: (hiccup) Blue’s Clues?

RingmasterJ5: Off Air?

RatherHomely: Don’t be ridiculous! This is a completely original story!



"So, you're a cook?" asked Krysta.



Midnight: Krsyta too liked stating the obvious



Cookie Dough shook his head and explained that he was actually more of a chef than a cook. "A cook feeds the stomach. A chef nourishes the soul and educates the taste-buds."



DiStort: Ah, okay. You’re a really pretentious cook, got it.



Before Lightning or Krysta could say anything more, a meal was set before them. "Try it. You'll like it." said Cookie Dough.



RatherHomely: “And the eyeball? You’ll barely taste it.”



Not wanting to be rude, Lightning and Krysta took a little nibble… then like magic… it was as if something inside of them sparked. It tasted so wonderful; they just had to keep eating until not a morsel was left. Krysta didn't eat too much though due to her small size… to her a little food was a lot.



Wild Trotter: Said food going right to her breasts, notwithstanding.



By the time they were both finished, they felt as if they could hardly move.



DiStort: That would be the poison kicking in. Hope you enjoy life as a cupcake.



It was no surprise that was what Cookie Dough was famous for. He could satisfy the appetite of anyone, even if they were even hungry.



Svensvenderson: But what if they were odd hungry?

RatherHomely: Try dividing their hunger by zero.



Before Lightning and Krysta left, Cookie gave them an invitation he was meant to hand to them upon their arrival. It was an invitation to the town library and observatory, but exactly why or what for, it didn't say.



GelidEnmity: Intermission!

RatherHomely: Quick! Put the video on loop so we don’t have to keep reading!



So they decided to head straight over, following the directions on the invitation, but as they went they passed by the hospital and someone called out. "You there…! Hold it!"



RatherHomely: “It’s time to introduce my character!”



Lightning turned and saw a white unicorn with a pink mane, and wearing a cap with a red cross on it approaching him. Her number was DR3F, but everyone knew her as Dr. Penny Sillion.



RatherHomely: … Why am I reading this? I could be solving world hunger, or anything else productive...



"Are you Lightning Dawn?" she asked.

"Who wants to know?" said Lightning.

"Thought so… Come with me." replied Dr. Penny as she dragged Lightning into the hospital, much to his protest.



Svensvenderson: They need his Mary Sue power at the hospital, apparently.

T_K_17: 15 Minutes Later:



Penny: “Wait, wait, wait. It gets better. When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again! Anyway, that's how I got my medical license."



"Hey! What are you?"



Anon13: “A ridiculous attempt at an interesting character. But that’s not important at the moment.”



The Grand Ruler's orders were that every new comer to Unicornicopa had to have a physical examination,



Midnight: Bend over and think of Unicornicopia. Once I’ve finished seeing if you measure up, you’ll be sent to the ruler for his very special examination...



and that's exactly what Lightning went through, but in addition to the traditional things, Lightning was also put a treadmill to see how fast he could canter,



RatherHomely: A treadmill? What a radical shift from ordinary medical procedures!



or flutter with weights on his back to see how much he could support, but the worst test was the magic test, which was like having your blood tested,



RatherHomely: The law states you can have magic drawn only once every few months.



and almost done the exact same way, only much to Penny's surprise.





"What…?" she exclaimed when she realized Lightning didn't have any magic like most unicorns she saw "Yet, you have a golden horn…?"



DiStort: He was in an unfortunate smelting accident.



"Yes!" snapped Lightning. "I don't have magic, but I have a golden horn. Yet I'm fit a fiddle, healthy and keen- Can I go now?"



RatherHomely: (singing) You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave!



Penny saw no reason why he couldn't, but she assured Lightning she would see him again. "A gold-horned unicorn that can't do magic?" she thought. "I just don't understand."



…

Lightning was getting tired of running into so many unicorns everywhere he went.



Anon13: You’re in the Unicorn city, Captain Oblivious!



"Couldn't have just met them all in one place?" he asked.

"Aw, come on, Lightning." Krysta reminded him, "You're still getting know the place, and that's what The Grand Ruler said, right?"

Lightning knew she was right, and so they continued on their way through town, and finally reached the library. "This must be it." He said as they ventured inside, only to find everything was all dark. They couldn't' see anything, even when Krysta used her glow to make a little light. "This is getting creepy."



DiStort: It’s been creepy for a little while now, pal.

Svensvenderson: Just “a little while”?

RatherHomely: It was creepy even before I started reading!



She shuttered.



RatherHomely: “Sorry if I keep shuttering, my mother had an affair with a camera.”



Lightning felt the same, and he got a sick feeling that they weren't alone. Then, all at once, the lights went on followed by the voices of many yelling "SURPRISE…!"



T_K_17: Lightning: "Oh God, it's the Reds! Krysta, ATTACK!"



Balloons and decorations were everywhere as confetti fell from the ceiling, and big banner that read, "Welcome, Lightning Dawn"

The head of this party was the librarian, Inquerius.



Microshazm: Lightning is not going to live in the library? The originality of this fic is mind blowing.



He number was ES4G. She was a grey unicorn, and wore half-moon spectacles. "Are you surprised, Lightning?" she asked.



RatherHomely: “Actually, I watched the first episode of My Little Pony, so I kind of saw this coming.”



Lightning was almost speechless. "I… uh… this… me…?" Before he could say anything else, all the unicorns approached him introducing themselves, and offering him some refreshments, or to join a game, or even dance.



Wild Trotter: What, no Can-Canter?



"I think I'll just have some punch please." cried Lightning, who really



RatherHomely: Wanted to get out of this fic.



needed to cool off from all the sudden buzz and excitement.

So much had already happened to him that day he hardly ever had anytime to himself or to rest, and every time he tried to excuse himself he would bump into another unicorn and find himself unable to get away. "Krysta…! Help…!" he begged, but Krysta was a little preoccupied by her own fan-crowd of spectators who were amazed to see an actual fairy.



Anon13: Why weren’t they looking at Lightning, then?

RatherHomely: Ever since the great fairy hunt of 42', Fairies were more commonly found as window decorations.



Then suddenly, all went dark, and the stage curtains at the back of the party lit up for the entertainment was about to begin. "And now everyone…" the announcer called, "The mystifying magic of… Abra-Kadabra…!"



Anon13: MASTER of Cliches!



POOF! A puff of purple smoke puffed



Drizzel: This phrase comes from the Department of Redundancy Department.

RatherHomely: That puff of smoke shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for his health.



and then, as if out of nowhere, appeared a purple unicorn, wearing a magician's hat and cape, and his number was CQ2E.



DiStort: I wonder if the author will ever realize that no one actually cares what their numbers are.

Midnight: I wonder if the author will ever realize that even he doesn’t care?

RatherHomely: At least the numbers aren’t as bad as the names.



"Thank you! Thank you!" he said to the cheering crowd.

"And now… if I may have a volunteer to help me with my first fantastic trick, please!"

Since Lightning was the guest of honor, you can bet the crowd was urging him to go, shoving him up on stage despite his protests. "Well, Lightning Dawn- how wonderful I am to meet you." said Abra.

"Yeah…! Charmed…" said Lightning.



RatherHomely: Ok, I can’t tell if that was supposed to be a pun or not.



The first trick was the old magic-box. Lightning stepped in. The door was shut. Abra tapped each his hooves twice. The door opened, and Lightning was gone.



Wild Trotter: Meanwhile, at the interdimensional cantina, Lightning was out-drinking Spell Nexus, completely hammered in the process before getting ready to return to his own story.



"Ooh…!" went the crowd and Abra then took of his hat, and gave it a tap, and plop. "Ah…!" Lightning fell out of it and onto the stage.



Wild Trotter: Sufficiently hammered, not that I blame him.



The crowd cheered for both Abra and Lightning.

It was a good thing that, after which, everyone was so preoccupied watching the show and the entertainment, that Lightning and Krysta could finally slip off deeper into the library to have to quiet time instead of having to talk to someone new every ten seconds.

I'm going to go book browsing. Krysta said. "Want some company?" Lightning offered.



Disco: NO! Anything but That Verb!



"No thanks. I'll be okay." replied Krysta as she flew off. Lightning had a good idea of what Krysta was looking for and he hoped that she would find it.



Midnight: Playfairy?

RatherHomely: A copy of this story so she could tear it into pieces?

mephistopheles2.0: She's looking for a book of Janis Joplin lyrics, I hope she finds it



Lightning could only sigh, and then he turned to gaze out a window. The night has certainly come quickly, but then again he did have a very busy day so the time just flew by.



RatherHomely: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No its...



Lightning knew this was The Grand Ruler's doing, he always brought in the most beautiful nights, but Lightning's daydreaming was interrupted when a book fell down and landed right beside him.



T_K_17: Lightning: "Oh great, now all the books are going to introduce themselves to me."



"Huh?"

It was an ordinary book on astronomy.



Svensvenderson: As opposed to what? A magic book on geology?



"Is anyone down there…?" called a feminine voice form up a spiral flight of stairs. "Yes…?" Lightning called "Is this your book?"

"Yes! Could you bring it up please?"

Lightning flew up to the top instead of climbing the stairs,



RatherHomely: So they built stairs in a society where everything can fly? Oh, my brain...



and emerged in the observatory on top of the library, which was rather only but a single room, much like an attic.

"Oh, thank you so much." said the voice. Lightning turned round and saw the voice belonged to… the most… beautiful



RatherHomely: “Geez, I just... have to keep... catching my breath today...”



unicorn he had ever seen! She was white, and had a violet sparling mane,



chaossorcerer: You know, whoever this pony is, from now on I will refer to her as Bleached Twilight Sparkle. Or just Bleachlight.

RatherHomely: I'm going to call her Cliched Love Interest. Or Mary Sue. Pick your poison.



long eyelashes which glittered when she blinked; her armor sparkled like the very stars themselves. She was looking through her telescope, up at the night sky.

Lightning felt all strange and soft inside.



Anon13: Me too. Wait, that’s my lunch. (ULP)



"I, uh… I didn't see you at the party." Lightning said

"Oh, I didn't feel like it. I just can't stop looking up at the stars." answered the unicorn.

"Um… what's your name?" asked Lightning.



Midnight: “Twilight Sp- umm, I mean...”



The unicorn looked at him and spoke softly. "My name's Starla- Starla Shine.



RatherHomely: “WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

Anon13: Anyone else thinking this is starting to look like those Asian knockoffs?

Wild Trotter: Or European clones, even?



Code-Number: KY1M. Who are you?"

He hesitated for a minute as he found himself lost in Starla's eyes, "I'm Lightning Dawn. Code-Number: AO0C."

"Lightning…" Starla said softly.



GelidEnmity: “You’re... ADOPTED.”

RatherHomely: “STILL CAN’T HEAR YOU!”



The two of them seemed to get along well for having just met. Starla explained she loved to look at the stars because to her they could tell stories, or give you advice. "They can?" asked Lightning.



Starla nodded and showed him recordings of her sightings. "These groups of stars tell us how many centuries ago, The Grand Ruler fought off the evil sorcerer, and defeated him, and these groups here, tell the story of how today a new arrival would be coming… that's you I guess."

"Well what's there tonight?" asked Lighting.



chaossorcerer: A giant meteor is going to hit you all and cause Armageddon.

Anon13: Strangely enough, it seems to indicate that that would be a good thing...



Starla was just working on that when she dropped her book, now that she had it back she could confirm her calculations. She look at the stars, then drew their positions, consulted her notes, and she gasped "Oh, no! Oh, my…!"

"What? What's the matter?"



SelfMarth17: "I mean, aside from the existence of this fanfic"



asked Lightning, and Starla explained that stars were warning her, "The evil sorcerer… he's coming back. Tonight…!"

"What? Get outta here…!"



Svensvenderson: OK. *leaves*

Wild Trotter: Hey, wait up! *follows*



teased Lightning "There's no way that can happen."

Starla knew the stars didn't lie.



RatherHomely: No, but the cake- (kicked in the face)



If they said the sorcerer would return, he would!



Midnight: The stars say you have to get naked!



Lightning told her to calm down. He didn't believe the evil that The Grand Ruler had banished all those centuries ago would return, when suddenly there was large quake followed by strikes of dark lightning and a sinister laughing sound…! "Heh, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah, aaahh…!



DiStort: Could we please get another take of the evil laugh? That one kinda sucked.

RatherHomely: Try taking out a little giggle, and throw in more guffaw.

SennenRyu: "Seven! Seven laughs! Ah, ah, ah!" Run, they've freed the Count!



"What's happening?" cried Lightning.

"Ohh…!" cried Starla!



Midnight: They felt the earth move, under their feet. They saw the sky come tumbling down.



They could hear the other unicorns all screaming down below and dashed down



RatherHomely: “Hey, you know those wings we have? Fuck that shit, we’re walking!”



to see what was going on. "Lightning!" called Krysta "What's going on…?"

"Can this be…?" cried Inquerius "Are the rumors true…?"



Midnight: Yes, Inquerius, you DO have a line in this story!



The doors flew open letting strong winds into the place as the windows shattered.



Isphone: FUS RO DAH!

Soren: RAIN BO DAH!

GelidEnmity: WULD NA KEST!!!

Anon13: NANNY NANNY BOO BOO!!! … what?



Everyone was running about in panic as a large flash of lightning and big roar of thunder struck.

Then… there… on the stage… appeared a tall human-shaped figure dressed in dark robes, shoulder-guards, and a dark hood atop completely concealing his face within its shadows- except his eyes, his red and evil eyes glowing in the darkness within the hood.



T_K_17: The evil No Heart decided to invade another children's franchise after the Care Bears manned up.



Lightning could barely speak as he just stood there, gawking at the evil creature as it spoke. "I… am… Titan!



DiStort: Maximum? A giant robot would at least improve the story a little bit.

Crazy56U: Cool. I’ll call Megatron and put this out of our misery.



The emperor of all darkness, and bringer of chaos and nightmares…!"



Midnight: THE NIGHT... SHALL LAST... FOR- wait, oh, wait, sorry, sorry, wrong show...



Starla was right all along. "You…!" snarled Lightning "You're the one



RatherHomely: “Who stole my Doritos!”



I've heard of from the stories. That same evil The Grand Ruler banished to the Dimension of Darkness!"



Svensvenderson: Detroit?



Titan chuckle evil "Yes! But alas, that seal could not keep me a prisoner



Svensvenderson: On the moon, perchance?



forever. Your grand ruler should have finished me off when he had the chance! Now,



Wild Trotter: "Since your ruler was such a schmuck,"



his mistake shall be inflicted on you all as my first order of vengeance of being locked up for all these centuries…! THIS WORLD… AND ALL ITS MAGIC… NOW BELONGS TO ME…!"



DiStort: “RIGHT AFTER WE GET THE PROPER PAPERWORK FILLED OUT!”

chaossorcerer: Stop shouting like you are the Nostalgia Critic.



His evil laugh echoed as he made lightning strike the skies! The unicorns were in deathly trouble now!



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: "Titan? You're kidding. You're kidding, right?"



Titan: "What did you expect my name to be? Thamuz?"



Nightmare Moon: "And this Nyx was supposed to be ME?” (sighs) “I need a drink.”



Titan: "That goes double, for me."





To be continued…!



Crazy56U: … (sob)

Disco: Make it stop! Make it stop!



Author's notes:

If your wondering what all these code-numbers are for...



max-vader: "...you'll be really surprised when I finally reveal the concentration-camps in the next chapter."



Like I said, this is not FIM. Things are different here, and that means, No Cuite Marks!



Crazy56U: (chug) Oh, whoop-tee-doo, you know French! Well, guess what? I don't give a rat's hat that you invented marks that allow these ponies to cook, only to not have them have said marks. NOT ONE. (chug) ...what do you mean, “that’s not what he meant”?



Instead, we have code-numbers.



Midnight: And as we all know, randomly assigned code numbers tell you so much about the pony, don’t they? Whelp, I think that settles it, this is certainly entirely original and not a blatant ripoff of another show featuring diminutive pastel-coloured magical equines at all!

DiStort: I’m stunned by how original, creative, and not utterly crap it is!

Isphone: It’s safe to say the author’s code would be ID10t

Crazy56U: ...I need more booze.

Svensvenderson: Crazy, I’d worry for your liver, but this fanfic has made me lose my will to live. Can I join you?

Crazy56U: Eh. Misery loves company. (passes a can)



EPISODE TWO

(Part 2)



Crazy56U: OH GOD THERE’S MORE.



With his raging



Midnight: boner



fury, Titan began to capture unicorns, and imprison them. Some tried to fight him only to wind up being captured as well. "Easy pickings!" laughed Titan.



DiStort: Like shooting biological monstrosities in a barrel.

Wild Trotter: "Titan one, pony knock-offs zero!"

SennenRyu: "Some magical warrior-race you turned out to be! I had more trouble with those damned Smurfs!"



Before long, the library was a complete and total mess.



Soren: Twilight Sparkle: NO! Not the library!



Bookshelves were knocked down; books scattered all over the floor along with the broken glass and ruined party supplies. A; the other unicorns began to run in panic, much to Titan's amusement.



Anon13: Did somebody change the channel in the middle of that sentence?



Lightning was furious! "What are you going to do with those captured unicorns?" he demanded to know.



chaossorcerer: Make them the main characters of my overrated tumblr

Anon13: You ... FIEND!



"I will extract their magic and add it to my own power to get stronger." answered Titan "Power is the only way to live, after all. Hmm, mm, mm…!"



DiStort: Oh dear Celestia, please don’t tell me he’s getting off on this.



A blaze of furry sparked inside Lightning and he charged straight at the evil sorcerer.



"Lightning…No!" cried Starla.

Titan just raised his hand and fired a small ball of energy that nearly Lightning, but the force it made on impact was enough to knock him back. "Lightning!" cried Krysta as she fluttered over to him.

"Fool…!" snarled Titan "You are as foolish as you are powerless.



Isphone: You foolish samurai!



Your efforts are futile, and the power of all Unicornicopia



Crazy56U: Okay. Line drawn. That name is stupid! Even G3 would think so. G3!!! (chugs another cold one)



… will be MINE!"



He laughed maliciously as his vanished into the darkness from whence he came, taking all the unicorns he had captured with him.

Lightning angrily pounded the floor with his hove



Svensvenderson: For my own sanity, I’m going to believe that it was supposed to be ‘hoof’.

Crazy56U: I’m pretty much half-past-smashed, so for all I know, the author mispelled “love” and ripped off the Care Bear Stare at the same time.

GelidEnmity: Bear?!



in frustration.

...

Penny and her team arrived to treat anyone who was hurt.



DiStort: She got plenty of experience in medical work from living with Uncle Gadget.



The library was still in a mess, until a green unicorn, wearing square glasses, the code



Anon13: Who-Gives-A-Flying-Fuck



GU6I, and spoke in an English accent arrive. "Mmm… I say!" he said "What's happened…?"



DiStort: “This just ruffles my mustache.”

GelidEnmity: WHAT!?

mephistopheles2.0: Stereotypes, in a crapfic? It's more likely than you think.



Inquerius approached him "Can you not tell…?" she asked "Did you not feel the danger?"

"Didn't we all?" added Lightning.

The green unicorn admitted that he did calculate the tremors, "But… I wouldn't have believed it possible that Titan has… mmm… eh… returned as it were."



DiStort: His brain went idle for a second there.



"Well that's fine and dandy, whoever you are." said Lightning "But it doesn't help find where he's gone or where he's taken the unicorns he took."

"Lightning…!" snapped Starla.

The green unicorn kept his cool. "My name, good sir, is Brain,



DiStort: He’d have Pinkie as a sidekick, but she’s too busy being in a continuity people actually like and care about.



and as soon as I knew there was trouble I began to… eh… make my calculations, and confirm my theories, and I have come to tell you that, I just may know where Titan has gone."



Anon13: “I just located the largest concentration of ridiculous plot.”

mephistopheles2.0: Oh Jesus, he's Peter Griffin's version of a cultured Englishman. Stop the fanfic, I wanna get off.



Everyone's ears perked up, and Penny told them to run along. "I can look after things here."

"Thank you, Doctor."



Crazy56U: Oh how I wish the Doctor and his magic blue box were here right now.

chaossorcerer: I rather want to see a few Daleks.



said Brain. "Come along, everyone."



chaossorcerer: It is "Allons-y" you asshole.



Lightning Starla



Wild Trotter: Great, now the two characters have merged together. Try picturing that image in your head.

mephistopheles2.0: I'm picturing a fail Sleipnir.



and Krysta followed brain to his home, a massive workshop and laboratory, and that pretty much confirmed that Brain was a regular genius and scientific inventor. "Please do not touch anything." He warned the others "One little accident could cause massive trouble."



chaossorcerer: For example: If you blow up this atom bomb, we will find us all in Fallout Equestria.

DiStort: A fitting metaphor for this story.

Anon13: A metaphor for the author as well.

Wild Trotter: Lightning: "If it means getting outta this fanfic, I'd do it."



The others gulped hard, and Brain then sat himself down at a strange contraption that seemed to be heating water.



RatherHomely: It’s called fire, right?



Brain sniffed the steam.



Soren: I thought water didn't smell like anything... obviously, I was wrong.

Anon13: That's not steam.



"Ahh…! Satisfactory…" he sighed "Most satisfactory."

"What… what is that?" asked Krysta "Is it a device that lets you find Titan? Something that can beat him or get the unicorns back…?"



RatherHomely: “You mean a plot device? Sure, I have one sitting in my closet.”



"What? Oh, don't be silly…" said Brain "This device is merely used to make me a cup of tea. I've finally perfected it you know."



"A cup of tea…?" Starla asked. She sounded most annoyed "I thought you said you knew where Titan had gone?"



DiStort: Look, he’ll find your dumb wizard after tea time, okay? Tea time is more important.



added Lightning.

"But I do…" snapped Brain. He cleared his throat "Begging your pardon. If you will just hand me that map over there..."

Krysta used her magic to levitate the map to Brain. "Thank you."

Brain unfolded the map, and consulted his notes. "Mm... let me see."



RatherHomely: Five bucks says the place starts with a color.



Neither of the others could understand his calculating one bit, but in the end, "Ah, ha! Satisfactory…! Most satisfactory..."



T_K_17: Brain: "Ah yes, I do believe that he is most likely located at the place named 'Titan's Secret Hideout' here on the map."



"What is it?" asked Lightning.

Brain explained that the only place Titan could have taken the captured unicorns would be to



Blacktop Mountain, which was located



Wild Trotter: Brain: "Midnight Castle? What is that?"

RatherHomely: You know, I’m five bucks richer, but I doubt it’ll make up for the

painful disappointment that now fills my soul.



on the other side of Violet Swamp.



Isphone: Not my brain. Mine has melted, and is dripping down my neck, into my stomach.



"Then that's where we should be heading." Lightning suggested.

"Oh, good heavens, no!" snapped Brain



RatherHomely: Synapse.



"You know it's dangerous to be wandering through the swamp at night? And I would strongly suggest against flying over it, for fear of being spotted by the enemy."



Wild Trotter: "An inter-dimensional shambler might shoot you down with his infernal lightning, you see."



"He's got a point."



Disco: Unlike this story.



said Krysta.

"We have to do something." snapped Lightning "We can't just let that monster drain the magic away and hurt the unicorns."



DiStort: I say let him. The sooner you’re all dead, the sooner the story ends.

GelidEnmity: This is...



Krysta felt Lightning



Svensvenderson: Lightning yelled “BAD TOUCH!”



was right, but wasn't too keen about entering a dark and scary swamp in the dark of the night. Starla tried to talk Lightning out of it, especially since she knew Lightning would be in real danger as he had no magic to even light his way, let alone overcome any dangers.

Lightning could see that no one was willing to cooperate with him. "I guess I have no choice. I'm going alone!" he snapped as he dashed out of the lab. "Lightning…!" cried Krysta!

"Oh, dear!" cried Brain.



RatherHomely: I can’t stand it! Everyone’s snapping or crying! Please use different

words, or I’m going to snap! You know, more then I already have.



They all ran to the door but Lightning had already taken off through the air. "Poor creature." said Brain "I fear he



Microshazm: "isn't pondering what I'm pondering."

Anon13: I don’t think anyone involved with this story is ‘pondering’ squat.



doesn't realize what he's getting himself into."



Anon13: Much like the readers.

DiStort: I think Brain might be the only character in this story who doesn’t irritate me. That’s quite an achievement, since most things irritate me.



…

On Black-Top Mountain,



chaossorcerer: Where Chernabog lives...



inside and old abandoned shrine-Titan had placed all the unicorns he had captured in magical bubbles



RatherHomely: I’m going to laugh so hard when Titan realizes all the captured unicorns have sharp, pointy, magic horns on their heads. Pop!



which would slowly drain them of their magic and transfer it to his powers. He sniggered wickedly as he watched the energy flow in streams into a giant sphere in the center of the shrine that he would soon absorb. "Wonderful…!"



Wild Trotter: "Soon, those rip-offs shall become meat for the grinder."



"Minions…! Come to me!" he then called.



Anon13: HR would like a word with you about co-worker relations.



Dark shadows on the floor seemed to gather all in one place and take on the shape a shadowy, dark unicorn. "Mysterious at your service, my lord, Titan…"



Microshazm: "But plain and dull everywhere else."

DiStort: Ugh.

GelidEnmity: …

Disco: *Facehoofs*



Another evil unicorn standing upright on his hind-legs and holding a scythe appeared. "Rep-Stallion… at your command…"



DiStort: UGH.

T_K_17: Rep-Stallion: "If there is any grass you need cut, I'm your pony."

Wild Trotter: Death would like to have a word with you on stealing his scythe.



Then a third one who resembled an evil version of Starla appeared "I am Dementia."



DiStort: UGGGHH.

SelfMarth17: Looks like Enoby is going by middle name basis now.

Microshazm: At least this one's easy to forget.



Titan had created his own band of unicorns to serve as his



RatherHomely: Opening act.



henchmen. After all, taking over the world was one thing, but even he needed help sometimes.



RatherHomely: It’s nice to know he’s so modest.

T_K_17: His bedpan wont clean itself, you know.



"Have you completed your instructions…?" Titan asked.

The minions bowed. "Even as we speak, master." said Mysterious "We have laid traps and net our own creatures all over the swamp and the mountain trail."

Re-Stallion sniggered as he stroked the blade of his scythe.



RatherHomely: That darn scythe fetish of his is acting up again!



"Anyone who dares to come our way shall meet their eternal reward."



chaossorcerer: 72 virgins?





Anon13: Ack, I just visualized 72 Mykans. I'm gonna go twitch for a few minutes.



This pleased Titan, but he warned his minions not to take the unicorns lightly.



"They are still capable of many things. I should know this."

Dementia suddenly felt a disturbance in the force.



chaossorcerer: Hundreds of bronies were screaming in agony when reading that fic.

Anon13: It’s like millions of brain cells were suddenly silenced...



"Someone is approaching the swamp." she said.

Titan snapped his fingers and conjured images of what was happening. "Why it's that annoying little fool who tried to stand up to me before."



Anon13: Why aren’t the Mary Sue alarms going off?

Disco: He doesn’t have enough ticks.



The minions were told of Lightning and how he couldn't do magic and decided he was no big threat, but Titan begged to differ. He knew The Grand Ruler chose Lightning to be his apprentice, but exactly why was a mystery, even to him.



DiStort: Join the club.



"Let's see how well he can brave everything. Heh, heh, heh…!"



DiStort: Keep working on that evil laugh, bro. You’ll get it eventually.



…

Lightning made it to the starting point of Violet Swamp, and Brain wasn't kidding- it really did seem dark and creepy at night.



Just gaze through the thickets and brambles was enough to send chills up one's spine. Still, Lightning has come this far, he wasn't willing to turn back now. "I can do this. I will do this!" he kept saying. Then he took one step forwards, crushing a twig with his hove followed by all kinds of screeches and noises from within the swamp. "I'm going to die!"



SelfMarth17: We can only hope.

Svensvenderson: We’d never be that lucky.



nevertheless, in he went!

It was hard to see when there wasn't so much light, but at least it wasn't so pitch dark you couldn't see anything. Lightning figured the best way to traverse the swamp was just to keep going forward.



DiStort: It is my sincere hope that he walks into several trees.

chaossorcerer: I hope he walks into Jason Vorhees.

Svensvenderson: Rhymey’s bad enough. Don’t you two start.



He wouldn't dare for fear of Titan being ready for that, and the fact that there was no room from him to flap his wings for takeoff.



RatherHomely: So why didn’t he fly OVER the swamp before going in?!



Jagged rocks, and fallen logs seemed to trip him everywhere he stepped, he even ruined his boots on his hind legs by stepping in mud, and decided to continue on all fours.

Suddenly, Lightning turned and thought he saw a monster, but it was only a tree in the shape of a monster. He saw a scary claw, which was actually just a long branch. Lightning took in a deep breath and



RatherHomely: Laughed at the ghosties.



counted to ten, then again, and felt better… until he heard the sound of footsteps coming towards him. Quivering in fear, he ducked down, and peeped, "Who's there…?"



T_K_17: Just a reminder, this is a warrior race we're looking at here.



The bushes shook and twigs snapped, but then a friendly voice called. "Lightning…? It's okay… it's just me."



RatherHomely: “Titan.”



Lightning peeked up, "K-K-K



GelidEnmity: He’s subtly promoting Racism! KILL HIM!



… Krysta…? What are you doing here? I thought…"



Svensvenderson: There’s a first time for everything.



Krysta couldn't let her friend do this alone, and that was why she brought some help. That was when several of the others, Buddy Rose, Artie, Rhymey, Brain, and even Starla, came out from the branches, all holding lanterns and flashlights.



RatherHomely: Wait, this is a society of unicorns that can MAKE LIGHT WITH THEIR

HORNS, and they invented LANTERNS AND FLASHLIGHTS?! And Lightning didn’t bring one even though HE KNEW IT WOULD BE PITCH BLACK?!!? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! (starts foaming at mouth)



Each and everyone one of them admitted that they, too, weren't willing to let Titan get away with what he did, and all offered to help Lightning stop him. "You'd really all does that… for me?" asked Lightning.



T_K_17: how does i does web?

Svensvenderson: No, they’d do it because plot.



Buddy Rose spoke on everyone's behalf when he said. "That's what friends are for.



chaossorcerer: Don’t you dare to put one of the best songs about friendship in this piece of shit.



It's one for all and all for one."



SennenRyu: Cliches are Magic!

DiStort: “But, you know, it’s not like friendship is magic or anything.”



The others all agreed and put their hooves together, all saying "It's one for all, and all for one…!"



GelidEnmity: That is the banter of the Three Musketeers. D’Artagnan is going to sue your ass.



"…And we won't quit 'till our task is done." added Rhymey.



Disco: Psh. Team Rocket had a better slogan.



Lightning felt touched,



Midnight: Show me on the doll where he touched you.



and place his hove in with everyone else's, and then they all set off together. Rhymey even decided to make things easier. Horn glowed, and he shouted, "WARD SWORD!" causing a small blade



T_K_17: Rhymey: "This butter knife should do the trick."



Lighting: "Shut up and cut, you stupid prick."



to materialize so he could cut and hack away at all the brambles and thickets, making a clear path through.

"Follow me this way…

Hurry now! Don't delay."



Anon13: OK, I’m thinking Rhymey may be the most annoying character this side of Jersey Shore.



Everyone followed quickly, because all the things that Rhymey had hacked seemed to grow back almost instantly, much to Lightning' fear.



RatherHomely: Horticulture is quite frightening.



The others seemed to know their way around the swamp better than Lightning did, but still. Even though they were all together, they all felt equally as scared, especially when they ran into a real and gigantic tree monster. "A dog-wood!"



SennenRyu: "Timberwolves" was a much better pun.



cried Buddy Rose. "Everybody, run…!"



Disco: “Get out of this story while you still can!”



The monstrous creature lunged at the unicorns. It wasn't very fast, but very fierce and nasty.

"What is that thing?" asked Lightning, and Buddy explained it was a creature called a Dog-Wood, "And believe me, its bark isn't nearly as bad as its bite."



DiStort: RRRGHHHH... ahem. To paraphrase Kanji Tatsumi from Persona 4: Oh, I get it. What you’re really saying is: “Will you please beat the crap out of me, DiStort?” To which, I would reply: “GLADLY.”



Brain couldn't understand what a Dog-Wood would be doing in the swamp when there hadn't been any known or seen around for centuries. "I fear that this is the work of our enemy."





"Tell us something we couldn't already figure out…" snapped Lightning "… like how to get past it!"

"I have an idea…!" said Artie, and he skidded to a halt and turned round to face the oncoming monster. "What are you doing…?" cried Krysta. Artie just stood his ground. "PAINT BLOBS!" and at the shout of his voice, he opened his mouth wide sending a swarm of paint blobs at the monster, a coupe le of which splattered on his eyes, blinding him.



Midnight: Let me get this right... he’s puking rainbows?

RatherHomely: What dragon shout would that be?



"Hurry, before he can see again!" he shouted, and everyone followed him, running right past the monster and as far away as they could canter.



T_K_17: It turned out they could not canter a lot.



There were more monsters and more traps along the way through the swamp, but each of the other unicorns used their powers to outwit or make it past all the tricks, and finding their way through the swamp.



Midnight: But... I’m not going to actually write about them, that would be hard and require effort!



"What a nightmare!" Buddy cried.



T_K_17: Buddy: "The part where Brain had to use his powers of seduction to get past the Biker Tortoises was especially horrifying."

Anon13: Fight the visual... fight the visual...



Lightning didn't understand why everyone used magic though. "I thought you never used magic…?"



mephistopheles2.0: I thought that was the point of goddamned unicorns.

RatherHomely: … Did I miss something vital in the narrative earlier? Or did I

just fall asleep before they mentioned this?

SennenRyu: I'm afraid so. It was mentioned in that 2-page-long author's note in the first chapter.



The others explained that that wasn't true…

Unicornicopian's were different than ordinary unicorns that were known. Their basic powers were used for battle, and could be used offensively, defensively. Some unicorns only had healing magic, Like Penny at the hospital, and some powers were used for quick wits.



Svensvenderson: I’m scared to see what the author thinks a ‘quick wit’ would be.



The bottom line was: their magic was only to be used in times of dire emergencies, by order of the Grand Ruler. This was why in their daily lives they didn't use magic to help them in most of their tasks, and did things naturally.



DiStort: Thank you, author, for reminding us yet again how much better YOUR ponies are than the good ponies.



"Wow! Talk about powerful!" exclaimed Lightning. For a brief moment he almost felt okay not to have magic.



RatherHomely: Then the depression returned.



Still, their mission was not over yet. They made it through the swamp, but now before them was the starting trail of Blacktop Mountain, and it looked even more eerie than the swamp, sending chills up everyone's spines.



Wild Trotter: What could be worse? Monochrome Hill?



Still, they all climbed, and resisted the urge to fly up the mountain,



RatherHomely: WHY? Is flying one of the seven deadly sins?



not knowing what traps lay ahead. Not only we're there more monsters along the way, but booby traps as well- Things like hidden pits, rock slides, falling boulders.



Even scary shadows,



SelfMarth17: Yeah, the rock slides and falling boulders pale in comparison to THE SHADOWS!



which only turned out to be the shadows of the gang all huddled against the mountainside.



Lightning took a deep breath and counted to ten again. "What are you doing, Lightning?" asked Krysta.



Wild Trotter: "Now's not a good time to be making my boobs bigger again!"



Lightning hated to admit it, but he was rather scared, but then everyone else admitted that they were frightened too.



T_K_17: WARRIOR



RACE



"Well, The Grand Ruler once taught me that everyone was afraid of something and that whenever I feel afraid or nervous, I should just



krystal.harmonia: ♫ Stand up tall, learn to face your fears. ♫



take a deep breath, and count to ten."



DiStort: “Inches. Or centimeters. He said just to use whatever felt natural.”



Rhymey thought that was a great idea,

"Hey! A thought just occurs to me,



RatherHomely: “I’ll kill myself and end the readers’ misery.”



Why don't we try it musically?



SelfMarth17: No. That's a shitty idea. Get the fuck out, Rhymey



It often helps to sing a song,

And it will help stay brave and headstrong."



Svensvenderson: I hope Rhymey dies slowly and painfully.

Wild Trotter: Pinkie Pie and Zecora would like to have a few words with you.



Just then, a loud noise scared everyone, and they all agreed to go for the song…

"Well, perhaps you shall sing the words, Lightning." stuttered Brain, "It is something you were taught."



RatherHomely: When was he taught, and how does Brain know about it?



Lightning agreed, "Let's just do it before something else happens, but just as music started to fill the air,



chaossorcerer: Where does the music come from? Is somewhere a pony with a tuba walking around?



the gang spotted another shadow that didn't belong to them, and they all took off high up the mountain dodging all the dangers and traps that came their way.

(Shining Time Station: "Everyone's Afraid of Something")



DiStort: I think I’d rather hear “Everypony Needs Somepony” by the Blues Bronies.

SelfMarth17: Mykan: "YOU BETTER LIKE MY OBSCURE CHILDREN'S SONGS!"

mephistopheles2.0: Tell me he isn't. . .

SennenRyu: ...He is.(sigh)



Everyone's afraid of something.

So don't be afraid of your fear.

Take a deep breath and count to ten,

And soon it'll disappear.

If you're afraid of a shadow,

You see when you're alone.

Don't be frightened, don't be scared,

It might just be your-own.

Everyone gets afraid, it's really true.

Everyone gets afraid, so why shouldn't you?

Everyone's afraid of something.



max-vader: However, not everyone is afraid of a Teen Titans episode that has Beast Boy and Terra breaking up. Only spectacular retards are afraid of that.

Anon13: Mykan: I am NOT spectacular!



So don't be afraid of your fear.

Take a deep breath and count to ten,

And soon it'll disappear.

Don't let your imagination,

Run away from you.

You could blame somebody for,

Something they did not do.

Everyone gets afraid, it's really true.

Everyone gets afraid, so why shouldn't you?

Everyone's afraid of something.

So don't be afraid of your fear.

Take a deep breath and count to ten,

And soon it'll disappear.



Scawking: Sooooooooooo... giggle at the ghostie!

chaossorcerer: Only in a longer and less catchier form.

Scawking: Crack up at the creepy!

chaossorcerer: Mock it up at the Mykan...

Anon13: Same thing.



Don't be afraid of the dark because,

It always goes away.

Just wait awhile, and soon there'll be

A brand-new, bright-new day…

Everyone gets afraid, it's really true.

Everyone gets afraid, so why shouldn't you?



Everyone's afraid of something.

So don't be afraid of your fear.

Take a deep breath and count to ten…

"Huuuu…! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… 6…7… 8… 9… 10"

And soon it'll disappear-!



Crazy56U: (drops can in shock) ...a song? ...you put a SONG in this?!?!?!

GelidEnmity: (Francis Voice) I hate songs...



…

All through the song, they met more and more monsters, shadows, traps,



Anon13: Maybe I’m nuts, but I’d take that as a cue to STOP SINGING.

Midnight: I’d take that as a cue to get writing, but apparently that’s too difficult for the author.

Svensvenderson: Since the message of the song is to just wait until your problems go away, shouldn’t they have died by now?

Disco: Denial Is Magic!



but by the time they were done, they reached the top of the mountain. "We made it!" cried Artie.

"No, not yet we haven't." said Starla. "We still have to find the other unicorns."



Midnight: no starla you are the unicorns

DiStort: And then Starla was the unicorns.

Wild Trotter: And then Krysta was a booby fairy... again.



"Uh… begging everyone's pardon." said Brain,



RatherHomely: “CHANGE?! YOU GOT CHANGE?! C’MON, HELP A UNICORN OUT!”



"But perhaps they are… ahem… in there?" He motioned up ahead at the shrine ahead as a flash of lightning and booming of thunder made everyone jump.



chaossorcerer: Rainbow Dash, stop pranking the losers!



Lightning recognized it from his studies.



It was an old abandoned shrine that The Grand Ruler once used for times of meditation and to channel his magic, but it was no surprise that Titan was in there, and obviously waiting for them.

"D-Do you think it's okay,

Gulp! To go in that way?" asked Rhymey



RatherHomely: Notice Rhymey is speaking almost every other line. The author

must have really wanted to show off his mad rhyming skills.



"We have too." said Lightning "We didn't come all this way to just turn back now."

They all quietly walked through the open doors. Krysta hid in under Lightning's wing, shaking in fear. "Oh my!" whimpered Brain. "Perhaps we should… eh… call out? Announce our presence? Eh… what should we say?"



DiStort: Okay, remember what I said before? I take it back. Brain irritates me.

Svensvenderson: Because the element of surprise is overrated.



"How about… come and get us?" suggested Lightning. That was when the doors slammed shut behind, and everything went pitch black.



RatherHomely: Oh. Well I guess that would be bad if it weren’t for the fact they have

LANTERNS, FLASHLIGHTS, and MAGIC GLOW HORNS.



Everyone else screamed all at once. "…Although a bloodcurdling scream is just as good." replied Lightning.



Svensvenderson: That was actually kind of funny.

Anon13: Well, you know what they say about a stopped clock being right twice a day.

DiStort: I prefer the metaphor with the monkeys and the typewriter. That seems more fitting here.



That's when a torch on the wall lit with fire. Then another torch lit, and another, and another, all the way around the shrine. "Look!" cried Starla.



RatherHomely: “Look out!”



It was the Unicorns, all sleeping inside magic bubbles. They didn't seem to be harmed, yet when the gang approached the bubbles; they found they couldn't touch them. Their hooves just passed right through them. "Curious! Most curious…" muttered Brain.

Krysta realized, "These are illusions!" That's when all the bubbles vanished instantly, and sounds of laughter echoed throughout the shrine.



chaossorcerer: Discord: You should see the looks on your faces, price- wait, you aren’t Twilight!



That's when Titan's minions appeared. "Well, hello there…!" hissed Mysterious. Rep-Stallion and Dementia snickered cheekily.



Wild Trotter: "Titan welcomes you all to die!"



"Who are you?" snapped Buddy Rose "And what have you done with the unicorns."



DiStort: “Please answer in song, if possible.”



"They are quite safe… for the moment." said Rep-Stallion.

"And if you behave nicely, we just might make your fate less painful than theirs." added Dementia.

The gang was starting to tell that these creeps were going to give them no end of trouble.



Anon13: Anyone else just facepalm at this line?

Svensvenderson: I gave up facepalming. I kept breaking my glasses.

Disco: I feel like breaking several things right now.

Crazy56U: I had a different reaction. (grabs new can of beer)



"Don't get any ideas!" snapped Artie. "When The Grand Ruler finds out…"



DiStort: “He’ll be measuring your GRAVES.”



"Big deal…" hissed Rep-Stallion. "We can beat his magic with one hove- Well, maybe two."



RatherHomely: You can beat him with two municipal boroughs of southeast England?



The unicorns stood upright on their hind legs. Rhymey held his sword tightly.

Lightning, however, wasn't sure what to do. He didn't have any magic to use, so at best, he and Krysta ducked behind a column and watched as the others began to brawl!



Artie and Buddy Rose went after Mysterious. "Let's get him!" shouted Buddy, and the boys charged at their enemy only to end up passing right through him.

"Huh…?"

"What…?"

"Hm, mm, mm…! You missed me." Mysterious mocked at them. The boys tried again only to repeat what happened. Then suddenly they realized. Mysterious was no ordinary unicorn, he was a shadow. He was made of actual darkness, like air.



Svensvenderson: What is this I don’t even.

RatherHomely: So air is made of darkness? All my life I’ve been breathing a lie!



"You can't touch me…"



Disco: What’s MC Hammer doing here?!



hissed Mysterious as he ran past the boys, striking them with his horn. "… but I can touch you!"



chaossorcerer: In certain places...

Anon13: Do I have to go get the doll?



Even with their armor on, Buddy and Artie felt this would be harder than they thought.

The others weren't having much luck either, as Rhymey and Rep-Stallion went at it with their weapons. Rep-Stallion was very skilled in wielding his scythe, but he was rather impressed by Rhymey's swordplay. "I must say, you are rather good…"

"I have practiced for long… like anyone should." answered Rhymey.



RatherHomely: You can tell that the author is trying so hard to make Rhymie a bad-ass. It’s not working.



Rep-Stallion sniggered, and then pulled a cheap magic attack, "SCYTHE SHOCK!" and his scythe began to spark with electricity that gave Rhymey a jolt. "Ah…!"

"I've had enough…



GelidEnmity: So have I...



It's time to get tough!"

He spread his wings out and shouted, "DRILL QUILL!"



DiStort: Sadly, this is one drill that will not be piercing the heavens any time soon.



sending a swarm of sharp quill feathers form his wings at his enemy. Rep-Stallion leapt out of the way, and was now more impressed than ever.



Disco: The readers were bored out of their minds.



Meanwhile, Dementia had Brain cornered, and poor Brain was a unicorn who didn't have magic used for battle,



T_K_17: If he has no combat ability, then why did he join the battle instead of hide with Lightning?



but rather observation and quick wits. "I say! Can we not talk about this?"



RatherHomely: The unicorn with quick wits, everyone!



Dementia just laughed "You're kidding, right?"



Anon13: Ha! You quoted Nightmare Moon! Admit it! You did see the FiM pilot!

Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon would say the same thing about this story.



"Oh, dear…!" whimpered Brain.



Crazy56U: Even Brian is frightened by that statement, Anon. (opens can)



Dementia was about to strike him, when…

"STAR SHOWER…!"



mephistopheles2.0: Venus power, make-up!



Starla sent a wave of small star-bolts straight at Dementia, nearly ruffling her mane



Anon13: a Dragon Slave it ain’t.



and Dementia did not like it when someone tried to spoil her looks! She turned and glared furiously at Starla. "Oh…! Ye who messes my mane WILL PAY!"



Svensvenderson: $5.95 at Supercuts!

DiStort: Free discounts for anyone in the villainous henchmen union.



she shouted and charged at Starla with all her might.

Dementia also demonstrated her ability to warp the fields around her to negate attacks. Her moves were basically defensive as she didn't like spoiling her looks.



T_K_17: She cares about her appearance and thus is evil.



"Like they say… a good offense is a strong defense!"



SennenRyu: Nobody has ever said that. Ever.

Anon13: Well, except for a couple guys who played too much football without a helmet.



Starla didn't care, but as the fight was about to continue, Titan appeared and called his minions off. "That's enough."



RatherHomely: “Have mercy on the readers.”



he said with an evil snicker. "You have done well, my minions. Return to the castle."

The minions, though disappointed as they were having so much fun, obeyed their master and vanished into thin air.



RatherHomely: Which is made out of darkness, right?



Lightning and Krysta peeked from behind the column. "Oh, no…!" Lightning whispered.

"What do you want…?" growled Buddy Rose



chaossorcerer: Money

mephistopheles2.0: success, fame, glamour!

T_K_17: Titan: "To crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of their women."

For the Plot: "To pillage the women, rape the buildings!"

Anon13: Mykan: “For FiM to fall... as they recunize my GEENYUS!”



"Give us back the unicorns."

"Never!" scoffed Titan "But if you insist on seeing them again, I'll be glad to let you join them!" and he fired a stream of magic at the unicorns, most of them dodged, but Brain got hit. "Oh… my…!" he cried and he was trapped in a magic holding-bubble.



T_K_17: Warrior race guys. Warrior race.

SennenRyu: I'm starting to think that the extreme control of the monarch is having detrimental effects on the quality of the warriors produced by this state.



"Let's get him!" shouted Artie! and everyone fire their best attacks all at once…

"PTEAL DANCE…!" A swarm of razor sharp leaves…

"PAINT BOMB…!" Artie fired blobs of paint, but these were explosive kinds.

"STAR SHOWER…!"

"DRILL QUILL…!"



max-vader: GARBAGE CAN! BUS TICKET! ZOMBIE PROSTITUTE!

DiStort: IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

Svensvenderson: I guess they are Pokemon.

Wild Trotter: You mean Digimon? Pokemon never announce their attacks



Titan got hit, but it didn't look as if he was even fazed. "Ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…!



RatherHomely: “I’m dragon/steel type, bitches!”

GelidEnmity: “Ah... No wait, false alarm.”



Fools!" he scoffed and, one by one, he trapped each of them in more bubbles, ready to drain their magic.

Lightning and Krysta were horrified. "What are we going to do?"



RatherHomely: If only they had something sharp on hand, maybe something cone shaped...



cried Krysta. Lightning was so livid to see his new friends being tortured and harmed as Titan began to absorb their energy, but then he leapt right out and shouted, "LEAVE THEM ALONE…!"



Titan turned to face him. For a moment, nothing happened, and then Titan just fired a small projectile which knocked Lightning down. Krysta screamed, and Lightning scoffed him. "Stay out of my way, weakling! I don't know why The Grand Ruler chose you to be his student, but I'd say he made a poor choice."



Wild Trotter: "And considering that this Twilight Sparkle actually HAD magic, that’s saying something."



Those words made Lightning find his second wind and stand upright. "Never say anything like that about my mentor again!" and he charged towards Titan roaring like a monster, but Titan just blasted him again, harder this time.



RatherHomely: Yes! Blast him again Titan!

chaossorcerer: I don’t give a shit that this reminds me of Palpatine blasting Luke Skywalker and that Titan is one dimensional as 8-Bit graphics, I really, really enjoy him now just being an effective villain who gives a fuck about the little pest bothering him.



"Lightning!" cried Krysta.

Lightning kept on getting up, and titan continuously blasted him back.



DiStort: Y’know, it’s usually a sign that you’re doing a bad job with your story when the readers are siding with the antagonist. Just saying.



Each time was more forceful than the last. Lightning was starting to slow down and feel weak. Titan laughed hard and evilly and continued to mock at him, "And you call yourself a unicorn?"



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: "Say, shall we get another drink after this story is done?"

Titan: "Seeing that I personally do not care about my role in this story at this point, and that I might still lose anyway, gladly."





Lightning actually felt Titan was right. He was no unicorn. What kind of a unicorn couldn't do magic, or save his friends, or worse… keep his promise. Titan decided, "Well then… allow me to put you out of your misery!" He began to power up for a really big blast…



RatherHomely: Kamehame...

T_K_17: Titan: "And now, young Lightning... you will die."



"LIGHTNING…!" screamed Krysta. The others all pounded on their bubbles trying to break free and help their friend.

However, Lightning remembered something The Grand Ruler told him... "Always remember… to believe!"



Anon13: “I firmly believe! this guy’s kicking my ass.”

DiStort: “You just go up to evil’s face and go WHA-BAM.”



For the first time, Lightning was starting to realize what that meant. "I believe!" he said as he began to stand up, much to Titans confusion. "What…?"



RatherHomely: “Damn it, I forgot that he still has legs!”



Lightning kept concentrating. "Magic or no magic… I can do this. I believe...! I Believe…!" he stood proud and tall and shouted, "I BELIEVE…!"



RingmasterJ5: RIFFCEPTION

Crazy56U: “We interrupt this piece of what-the-hell with the best possible way of ending this piece of what-the-hell.”



His golden horn began to glow with a mystical light, and Lightning, who was bathed in a tube of golden light, he felt incredibly strong now. "That… that glow!" growled Titan "…Could it be?"



Anon13: “It’s the mighty aura of pure Mary Sue! I am so boned.”



Krysta was amazed as she stared at Lightning. "Is that… what I think it is?" The other unicorns wondered the same thing, but Titan was not willing to let it be so. "So much for believing…!" he snarled as he continue to charge up, but Lightning stepped forward and stood on his hind legs with his horn and his front hooves glowing like crazy and said…

"Magic is believing…

Believing is right

I summon the magic,

In this mystical light…!"



Svensvenderson: Shut up, Rhymey!



Titan roared loudly and fired his magic-stream, and Lightning shouted, "…UNIFORCE!" He fired a large and powerful golden force of extreme magic which met with Titan's force sending it right back towards him. "AAH-Uh…? NO…!"

Titan was hit and was actually stunned, and then he decided to retreat. "This isn't the end, Lightning Dawn! I'll be back!"



DiStort: Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again~ (twinkle)



and he was gone, and all the unicorns he had captured reappeared, and his friends were released from their bubbles… while outside, the dark clouds lifted as the evil vanished from the mountain and the swamp below.



RatherHomely: Titan should really invest in some magic that actually sticks around

after death.



As for Lightning, he stopped glowing, and fell flat on the ground. "Ugh!" he groaned. He felt as if he had just blown up a giant. "What just happened?"



RatherHomely: That’s what the rest of us are wondering.



Everyone approached Lightning and cheered for him that he did it! He saved everyone. "I did…?" asked Lightning. "Hey, I did!"

Then, the doors to the shrine opened, as dawn began to break and the sun shined through, followed by a mystical glow and there he was- a handsome white stallion with a short dark mane with sparkling stars glittering. He wore golden armor with jewels encrusted into it, a red cape with gold markings fluttering on his back. Golden Pegasus wings, golden covers on his front hooves and black.



Microshazm: Ashamed of your skin color, Mr. Ruler?

Anon13: I think if he wears any more bling he’ll spontaneously become a gangsta rapper.



Atop his head were three golden horns, one was full sized unicorn horn, and two small ones, one on each side.

The unicorns all bowed, and so did Krysta. "Grand Ruler…!" cried Lightning, "You're here!"

He ran over to greet his mentor, and The Grand Ruler was pleased to see everyone. "Lightning, my boy…



T_K_17: GR: "This believing is what all true unicorns strive for."



I am pleased you and everyone are safe, and I am very proud of you."



He explained why he took Lightning on as his apprentice was because Lightning had just used the Uniforce- the very same magic that he had used against Titan centuries ago. A magic so intense that only unicorns with rare golden horns would be able to tap into.

"Lightning… do you know how you were able to tap into this mystical force?"



DiStort: Contrived plot convenience?

Svensvenderson: Mary Sue powers?

Anon13: Just plain shitty writing?

GelidEnmity: Just plain shitty writing of Mary Sue powers with a contrived convenience?

Crazy56U: (chug) The answer, by the way, is “yes”.



Lightning shook his head. His mentor smiled, "In time you will in fact. You may not possess any other form of magic power, Lightning, but you do possess something greater than any form of magic there ever could be."

Lightning looked up and asked. "What is that…?"



RatherHomely: It wouldn’t happen to be friendship, would it?



The Grand Ruler smiled. "You have heart, and courage. These are forms of magic that we all possess, and they come from within you, not from artifacts and other sources.



chaossorcerer: Spoiler: Next chapter he gets an artifact of power.



All you have to do is believe in your own inner-magic, and then… nothing will seem impossible."



Wild Trotter: Grand Ruler: "Not even if Krysta...blossoms."



Krysta: "Hey!"





The unicorns felt his words meant well, and they all promised to heed them, especially now that Titan had returned and would strike again. They would all need to do their best to keep the kingdom safe from his evil.



RatherHomely: Because everyone besides Lightning were so effective the first time.



The Grand Ruler promised to keep his watch over everyone and everything. "I will always be there, and so will the magic of believing. These things Titan will never hope to understand and overcome. I am proud of you all."



RatherHomely: “Except you, Rhymie. You can go die in a ditch.”



He bowed to his subjects and they all bowed back.

Then off they headed back to the villages.

A new chapter had just begun for Unicornicopia.

…

Author's notes:

Now you get idea of how my characters are different.



Anon13: The FiM characters don’t suck.



See, I don't believe "Friendship is Magic" At all. I think it's a lie, and that is one reason I do not wish to get involved with much of FIM.



GelidEnmity: ‘Cause it reminds me of when I used to have friends. ‘Til I went to therapy.

Crazy56U: Too bad those sessions didn’t stick. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be assisting in liver murder right now. (chug)



I make this fic so I don't have to ever watch FIM, get mixed up in those les



T_K_17: bians



, get hurt, and make a whole new world. That… and I was dared by spammer s and mockers who keep trying to force me to change and watch the show.



DiStort: It’s your own fault for provoking them with this tripe.



PS: I cannot and will not answer the questions of anonymous reviewers.



Isphone: Then you’ll never get better.



Author's Notes:

If anyone form ponychan is reading this, it's time you woke up.



DiStort: Ooh, this ought to be good.

RatherHomely: It’s your story that put me to sleep!

Isphone: Mister Anderson is not amused that you broke his fourth wall.



That Dakari King Mykan who joined you isn't me. It's someone form Project After who got a whole of my past postings and altered them to frame me. Believe me… I am not part of ponychan and don't wish to be. I would never join the likes of you!



Anon13: Empire Strikes Back deserves better than this.

GelidEnmity: Join the Pony Side, emo kid. We have ponies.



"Friendship is NOT magic" The real magic is believing…!



DiStort: Why is he treating this like some kind of holy war? It’s a fecking cartoon, bro, get over yourself.

chaossorcerer: I think that is, because he basically represents the exact opposites of the Elements of Harmony. He is the "anti brony" if you may say so.

GelidEnmity: Well I believe that Friendship IS Magic. So feck you!



EPISODE THREE



Anon13: Rationale Zero.



Lightning had received a gift package from The Grand Ruler…



RatherHomely: It’s a year long membership to “Jelly of the Month Club”.



Unfortunately, it was wrapped with a special material, not the kind you could just rip off, or open.



DiStort: GR (that’s what I’m going to start calling Grand Ruler) thought it would be funny to torture him a little.



It could only be opened if something special were to happen. All it came with was a letter from The Grand Ruler…

Dear Lightning…



Anon13: You may already be a wiener!



As you know, dark times have befallen the kingdom.



chaossorcerer: And instead of getting my ass off and stop the evil, I am making you responsible for the faith of our world. Don’t fail me, like the author failed life.



As much as I have faith in you, I wish to take no chances for your safety.

This package I have given you- It has been in my possession for centuries, and kept always ready but never needed until now.



Anon13: the ancients called them “Twinkies”.



It will be very useful to you in the many battles you will fight, but by now you are aware that you cannot open the package.

When the time is right, it shall be made clear to you.



DiStort: 5 bits says there’s an old condom in there.

Midnight: I’m voting for “dildo and ball gag”

Svensvenderson: Well, I have to give the author a little credit; at least he’s attempting to set up the Deus Ex Machina in advance.

RatherHomely: Chekhov’s gift box.



Learn well and strong, my apprentice, and keep on believing.



chaossorcerer: Believe in me, who believes in you!

Anon13: Might as well throw in the obvious gag...

Dooooon’t stop... believing.... hold on to that feeeling....

(Plus, as a bonus, the fic would be vastly improved by a sudden cut to black!)



Your caring Mentor: The Grand Ruler.

"Huh! I wonder what it is." Lightning said to himself, but he decided to just leave it be for now. He had other things to attend to.

…

Now that the entire kingdom was aware of Titan's treachery, everyone was to take extreme measures to be cautious as they went along their daily routines.



Anon13: You heard him! Panic in an orderly manner!



As for Lightning, he spent a lot of time in the library or borrowing books to learn more about the Uniforce as he still didn't understand it that well, or where it came from, and how he used it the first time.

The Grand



simply told him to be patient, and all would eventually become clear.

Inquerius was passing by and saw him studying hard again. "Are you frustrated, Lightning?" she asked.



Anon13: “It’s because I’m wearing a tight saddle, isn’t it?”



"I don't think frustrated is the word?" Lightning sighed



"Do you have any other books that can help me find what I'm looking for?"



SelfMarth17: "Sorry kid. All we have are old textbooks and unsold Dakari King Mykan books."

Anon13: That implies the existence of a sold DKM book.



"You are not willing to give up? Even if it means you will not find what you seek here?" asked Inquerius.

"Duh…! That's why I've been stopping here every day." snapped Lightning. He apologized quickly for being rude, "But please… can you just help me out?"

Inquerius felt confused, "I have not been helping you already?"



Lightning was getting so frustrated at why all the questions were being thrown at him, but Artie was passing by with some books he was returning



RatherHomely: Piles of Shel Silverstein books.



told Lightning, "I don't think you quite get it here. Her name is Inquerius, as in… inquire! She doesn't give answers, she asks questions. It's the way she talks."



chaossorcerer: Dumbest help a hero can ever experience then.

DiStort: Calling it, Inquerius is Dimitria from Power Rangers Turbo in disguise. No one else is that obnoxiously inquisitive.

T_K_17: Inquerius would be a champion Questions Only player on Whose Line.



Lightning got the drift now. Inquerius helped others by trying to get them to realize the answer for themselves. "Is there not something else you can do instead of pondering over this mystery?" asked Inquerius.



RatherHomely: “How else are we supposed to build suspense?”



Krysta fluttered near her friend and suggested he go get Lunch. "You've been working too hard. You really should relax."



chaossorcerer: Incoming porn scene here.



Lightning felt that was laughable. How could he relax at a time like this when he had so many unanswered questions tormenting him, as well as worrying what Titan was up to now…?

Nobody even knew where his hideout was, or if it was even in the same dimension, and just the very thought of venturing out to search each and everyone one of the countless dimensions and universe once by one was already crazy enough.

All they could do was wait patiently, hope for some signs or clues, and stay alert.

…

Titan's castle was located in dark a creepy looking dimension.



Anon13: New Jersey?

Svensvenderson: Detroit?

Wild Trotter: Maine?



Winds were howling, thunder and lightning shook the skies.

Dementia was busy styling her mane while Rep-Stallion sharpened his scythe. Dementia look din her mirror. "Do I look fat…?" asked at her reflection



Svensvenderson: Her reflection pleaded the 5th amendment.



"Nah…!" and she playfully kissed at the air.



Wild Trotter: "At least I don't have that fairy's mega boobage problem."



Mysterious whispered to Rep-Stallion. "She's at it again…"

"Poor thing…" Rep chuckled.



RatherHomely: “She doesn’t know that the air is seeing someone else.”



"MINIONS…!" shouted Titan.



DiStort: Actually, on the subject of Power Rangers, I think Titan could use a few villain lessons from Lord Zedd.

Svensvenderson: You mean the one who got beat week after week for how many years?

DiStort: Yeah, but at least he had a very commanding, villainous presence. It’s all in the presentation.



Dementia's mirror shattered. "Aah-ugh…!" groaned.



RatherHomely: Mykan may not be able to get laughs right, but groans? Really?



"…Seven years bad luck."



Wild Trotter: "As if my luck wasn't bad enough being in this story..."



The minions headed to the throne room where Titan was seated on his throne. The minions bowed, "Yes, my lord?" asked Mysterious "Is it time for us to exact our revenge, and crush the unicorns?"



T_K_17: Titan: "Don't you dare start doing that questions only thing too!"



Rep licked the blade of his scythe



RatherHomely: “Ow! I cut my tongue!”



sniggering madly. "Especially, that rhyming one…"



Svensvenderson: Thank you! Rep is officially my new favorite character.

RatherHomely: Not that it means much in this story...



"Patience…!" bellowed Titan "Our chance will come in due time, but this is not it."



chaossorcerer: First we have to drag the story long enough for Mykan to get his steam off

SelfMarth17: I just saw the words "Mykan" and "Drag" in the same sentence and my brain tried to hang itself



Titan hated to admit how he underestimated the power of the Uniforce, twice in fact, and now his main goal above all was to overpower it. Then his power would be the greatest throughout the dimensions.



Wild Trotter: The Serpent Riders would have words with him on that.



"But to do so, I must study it closely while harnessing more magic to increase my power. That's where all of you come in, friends."

"What do you wish for us to do?" asked Dementia.

Titan's eyes glowed bright red,



Scawking: ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL

Anon13: Thank god somebody is.



"Capture Lightning Dawn." he hissed "With him as my prisoner I could gather the secrets I need with ease."



DiStort: He’s got the brain-sucking bendy straw on loan from Nyx.



Each minion was also equipped with a small pouch containing dark magic dust



Svensvenderson: That explains so much.



that when used in just the right way would assist them in their plans and battle. "Now go on your way." Titan said

The minions bowed and left leaving Titan alone in his throne room. "Hmm, mm, mm…!"



Anon13: Did you mistake the super glue for lip gloss again?

Svensvenderson: “Hmm mm! Mmmhh hmmmh!”

RatherHomely: I think that was an attempt at an evil chuckle, but I can’t be sure.



…

Lightning and Krysta had finished their lunch and thanked Cookie Dough. "Happy to do it for you guys." he replied, and then he left to get back to work.

Krysta let out a tiny burp. "Ooh! Excuse me!" she giggled, but Lightning



T_K_17: was disgusted.



Lightning: "Get out of my sight, you gassy freak!"



still seemed distracted. "I don't get it…"



Svensvenderson: I’m afraid of how many things he doesn’t get.



he said. "How can everyone be so calm when there's an evil force out that that could attack any minute?"

Krysta was just as confused as he was, but then assumed everyone was just trying to be brave. "We can't just let one fact scare us."



Svensvenderson: “Two facts, on the other hand...”



"I don't know…" Lightning said as they left and decided to head to the garden to pick some flowers for their home in White Village.

Buddy Rose's flowers were so beautiful and nice to smell. Krysta was careful not to sneeze this time.



Wild Trotter: Lest the boobage incident be repeated, and she didn't want that.



Even Lighting admired the smell of the flowers, it actually made him forget about Titan for a moment.



RatherHomely: There’s your answer, Lightning. Nobodies worried because they’re

busy smelling flowers.



As Krysta was about to pick some flower, Buddy Rose came along and said "You don't want those flowers."

"I don't…?"



RatherHomely: “These aren’t the flowers you’re looking for.”



"They're too plain- Too ordinary. Now I something you'll really love." He motioned for them to follow him to a vacant patch in the flowerbeds with only mere drawings such beautiful flowers on sticks. They were so incredibly beautiful it was almost impossible to describe them…

(Even I can't)



Svensvenderson: Seriously?

DiStort: coughpansycough. Oh, excuse me, I called him a pansy.

chaossorcerer: Stephenie Meyer could. Are you telling me you can’t write as convoluted as her?



Buddy Rose explained that's why they were called, the Beauti-Flors, and they only grew in his hometown, Redwood Meadows.



DiStort: I pray this is this world’s equivalent of Poison Joke.

Svensvenderson: Minus the Joke part.



"So why don't you have any here?" asked Lightning.



Anon13: “Wouldn’t be a blatant plot coupon if I did, now would it?”



"I ordered a new supply of seeds from there, but my shipment's way overdue." said Buddy "I've written letters back, but I haven't gotten any replies."

Lightning didn't like the sound of this…!



Svensvenderson: The ellipses shows just how much he doesn’t like it...!



"Can't you just go there and pick it up?" he asked.

Buddy Rose shook his head. "I can't abandon my garden, even on my breaks I'd never be able to fly over there and back in time, and I don't get off until sundown.



SelfMarth17: "Incidentally, sundown is also when I leave work."



I'd be too tired to go by then."

Then he gave Lightning and Krysta a peculiar look. "I don't suppose you want us to…"



Mephistopheles2.0: Go on a fetch quest?

Anon13: Woo, how original. Never saw that coming.



Lightning teased. "Well, it would be an excuse for me to visit Redwood anyway."

So it was settled.



RatherHomely: “I shall name this land... Colorplace!”



This was also Lightning's new job in Unicornicopa; the town



Svensvenderson: Doormat.

Wild Trotter: Pack mule.

T_K_17: Bicycle.

Anon13: Laughing stock.



helper.



Anon13: Called it.

RatherHomely: I hear you need a Doctorate in helping before you can become one.



It was his job to volunteer and help people with their daily tasks if needed, or to do them simple errands of favors.



DiStort: I didn’t know “chore monkey” was an official position.



Lightning and Krysta took off and promised to be back by sundown. Along the way, they met up with Rhymey, who had just come from Redwood, but he looked a little.



Anon13: You’re missing “...embarrassed to be in this fic”



"Rhymey…?" called Krysta

"Hi! Bye!"



SelfMarth17: No, Mykan. That doesn't count as a rhyme.



called rhyme as he zoomed right past. He looked as if he had seen a ghost. "Rhymey, wait!" called Lightning as he dashed to catch up with him. "Rhymey, hold it! What's going on?"



RatherHomely: “And tell us in song, while you’re at it!”



"A monster…! A monster I've seen…

It's big and tall, and very mean!"

"A monster…?" asked Krysta.

"I knew something didn't feel right." snapped Lightning.



Svensvenderson: His Mary Sue sense was tingling!



Rhymey nodded, and that was why he was in a rush. He was on his way back into town to call for help. He was glad that Lightning had come. "Where did you see it?" asked Lightning.

"Follow me…

You will see?"



RatherHomely: I don’t know, why the feck are you asking me?

Mephistopheles2.0: Unless it is all in my head

Mephistopheles2.0: And my sanity is in the red.



Following Rhymey, they made it to Redwood, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Redwood seemed. It seemed a nice little village. Most of it was meadows with red roses and other flowers. There even some tall redwood trees. Little white cottages with red fetched roofs were all scattered along either sides of a red-brick road leading into the flower fields.

"Wow…! This is a nice place." Exclaimed Lightning



Svensvenderson: “It’s very red.”



"But where is everyone…?" He couldn't see any other unicorns down below at all. Rhymey explained…

"This is what the monster has done…

Everyone was scared and had to run.



RatherHomely: Just as I feared; The monster is forcing everyone to excercise.

Anon13: As TK would point out: Warrior Race, boys and girls.



Their poor village, I fear for it so.



chaossorcerer: So all the monster did was showing up and shouting "Uga Buga" and everyone ran away like King Arthur and his knights?



We must find that monster and make it go!"



RatherHomely: Preferably in the toilet.



"Yeah, but where do we even start to look for it…?" asked Lightning.

Suddenly, Krysta spotted something,



T_K_17: Krysta: "Hey guys! I found a likable character!"



and the boys followed her down to the near the road where there was a second road. Lightning recognized immediately "It's not a road. It's a trail."



T_K_17: Krysta: "Oops, my bad. Then again, a trail generally has more personality than us."



Krysta and Rhymey agreed, someone or something had left that trail there, and recently too. "Wait…!" snapped Lightning "Do you feel that?"

The ground was starting to quiver, and it grew stronger with every passing second.

"Oh… I fear…

It's coming near!" cried Rhymey.



Svensvenderson: “Did the Earth move for you too?”



The rumbling continued to get worse, and then it stopped. The gang felt really nervous and slowly turned round. There, standing behind them was a flower exactly like the Beauti-Flors in Rose Buddy's garden; only it was at least twenty feet tall, with dark eyes, sharp, prickly vines, teeth… and it roared!



chaossorcerer: It is a mean green mother from outer space!

DiStort: It’s a plant. Just follow the universal laws of RPGs and cast fire spells at it.

Svensvenderson: Ice usually works too.



The gang screamed and began to run for it, but the monster gave chase,



RatherHomely: When did I enter a Scooby-Doo fanfic?



making more trails as it traveled, slashing its vines,



RatherHomely: I think the monster needs to see a therapist, because it’s cutting itself.



smashing the ground. It even fired deadly barbs form its mouth. "Spread out!" shouted Lightning, and he and Rhymey ran in opposite directions,



RatherHomely: One kept running forward, the other went backwards to the monster.



but the monster seemed to chase after Lightning. "Not you!" he cried



Svensvenderson: “Go after the more annoying one!”

Anon13: That’s all of them. Now he’s confused!



as he continued to canter as fast as he could, only to run into Dementia. "Hi, there…" she teased.

"So! This is Titan's doing!" Lightning snarled, and that's when the monster stopped right behind him, and was about to attack, but Dementia stopped him. "Now, now, now, Floralbite…!"



Svensvenderson: That’s a Pokemon name if I’ve ever heard one.

Ungulateman: Pokemon names are at least vaguely clever, that’s just...sad.

Wild Trotter: Why not something like Demonbloom?



Dementia said"We should give him a chance to come willingly."

"What…?" snapped Lightning.

"Titan wishes to have a few words with you." said Dementia



Wild Trotter: "Along with this Discord, and Nightmare Moon... and trust me, the latter two are PISSED!"



"You come willingly, or my pet can escort you!"

The Floralbite snapped its teeth twice.

"Wow! Nice choice options." grumbled Lightning.



RatherHomely: Glad you like them.



He sure wished he could use the uniforce right about now, but he didn't know how.



Svensvenderson: Damnit Lighting, Rhymey is supposed to be the one that rhymes!

For the Plot: Read the subtitle: "MAGIC = Believing". Come on! Get it over with.



He couldn't remember how he did it the last time.



T_K_17: Lightning: "I think in involved the magic of... friendship or something? Damn, I can't remember!"



"I'm growing impatient!"



For the Plot: Me too.

Anon13: We all are.



snapped Dementia, and she ordered her monster. "Take him!"



chaossorcerer: Incoming tentacle rape in 3...2...



The monster extended its vines ready to ensnare the helpless Lightning, until Rhymey leapt into action with his



GelidEnmity: “SQUID”



"WARD SWORD…!"



Isphone: You are not, and never will be, the dragon born. Kindly stop shouting.



and slashed right though those vines. The monster roared in pain, and the air form his roar messed up Dementia's mane



Svensvenderson: Sweet Celestia, everything Rhymey does rhymes!



"Ugh! I just had it sprayed!" she whined.



Mephistopheles2.0: Dementia is a significantly more annoying Zoicite and that's saying something.



Lightning saw this as his chance to run. "Oh, no you don't!"



RatherHomely: “Lightning couldn’t run!”



snapped Dementia as she prepared to warp him back using her powers to warp the field around her, until sparkling dust began to sprinkle down from above, blinding her. "AAH…! My eye liner's ruined!"



GelidEnmity: http://pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/132579005021.gif (GIF’S don’t work on GDocs...)

chaossorcerer: That’s her entire shtick, isn’t it? Being obsessed with her looks. What does that say about Mykan’s opinions regarding women?

DiStort: Probably that the only woman he's ever had extended contact with is his mother.



It was Krysta who was sprinkling her fairy dust from above, "And I thought you liked looking sparkly."



RatherHomely: Badum-Tish.



she mocked and flew off. "You little firefly…!" Dementia roared



Wild Trotter: “Don’t even think about giving me boobs, dammit!”



While she was distracted, Lighting could help Rhymey with the monster.



RatherHomely: But he didn’t. Bastard.



Rhymey continuously tried cutting the vines with his sword, but the vines just magically grew back, and the monster just got angrier.

Rhymey was staring to get tired.



RatherHomely: Don’t worry, we all are.



"I've… tried my best,

But I need… rest." he groaned.



T_K_17: Rhymey: "I'm sure by yourself, you'll do fine.

Try not to get raped by a probing vine."



"No! Don't give up!" snapped Lightning "We can do this!"

The Floralbite growled and fired more barbs at them both which they barely dodged. Lightning had to do something and fast. "There has to be a way to stop this thing."

"Lightning, we've tried. It's no good." said Krysta, but Lightning was not willing to give up. He wasn't going to stand around a let some oversized flower tear up everything.



Svensvenderson: Well, he seems to be doing a pretty good job of that so far.



Dementia was losing patience and she was really upset about her looks being spoiled again. "I think I've waited long enough! Good looks or not!" and she ordered her monster "Get him!"

The monsters opened its huge mouth ready to devour Lightning and bring him back to Titan, when suddenly…

"VINE SNARE…!" shouted a voice as powerful



GelidEnmity: as a mouse with cancer.



vines emerges from the ground and wrapped around the monster's mouth, shutting it tight.

"What…?" snapped Dementia.

That's when Buddy Rose dropped in from the sky. "Buddy Rose…!" cried Lightning, Rhymey smiled…



RatherHomely: And somewhere, somehow, a skilled poet died.



"You're here now…

But why and how?"

Buddy explained that the villagers of Redwood ran into Rainbow City, crying out for help.



RatherHomely: But there were no active town helpers on duty.



"No one messes with my home and gets away with it! Even if it means leaving my garden…"



Isphone: Watch out, we’re dealing with a badass over here!



Dementia growled and used her magic to free her monster. "Get them all!" she ordered, and the monster charged. "Run!" shouted Lightning, and the gang dashed away only to have the monster start chasing them.

"Lightning, can't you try what you didn't before and believe?" asked Buddy.



Svensvenderson: That’s a double negative, and I’m not sure what he’s talking about.



"I have… but it's not working. I can't summon the uniforce."

Buddy Rose then realized they were running from a flower that was running through the ground.



RatherHomely: The Chuck Norris of plants.



"Of course…!"



T_K_17: Buddy: "I can use this thing to till my garden. Genius!"



"What…" asked Krysta.

"VINE SNARE…!" Buddy wrapped his newly summoned vines behind and under the monster, "Help me pull!" he said to the others.

"What are you doing…?" asked Lightning.

"Don't talk, just pull!"

Still not understanding,



Svensvenderson: Get used to it, slick.



the others grabbed the vines and pulled with all their might, even Krysta.

They pulled and pulled and yanked the monster right out by its roots, causing it to fall flat on its back, and unable to move. "Hey!" snarled Dementia.

"Good thing I know plants." smirked Buddy.



T_K_17: Buddy: "Good thing I passed grade school."



"But now what do we do?

Our task isn't through." Rhymey pointed out.

That's when a soft glow of light appeared in front of Lightning. "Now what's going on?" asked Krysta.



RatherHomely: Krysta’s role is to say “what” in every line she says.



"Hey…!" Lightning said as he recognized what was appearing before him. "It's that package I got from the Grand Ruler." Indeed it was, and the wrapping around it magically vanished revealing a small wand with a spectrum glowing ball with a small crown in its head.



DiStort: Yup, GR is definitely making fun of him.

Midnight: ‘small wand’ and ‘glowing ball’ - yup, called it. dildo and ball gag. you gonna get raeped.



"Lightning…!" echoed a voice.



RatherHomely: “Lightning Lightning Lightning Lightning...”



"Grand Ruler…?" Lighting asked as he gazed around, but his mentor was nowhere to be seen.

"I have used my golden horns to channel this message to you."

"You may be able to tap into the uniforce, but you have much to learn before you truly can master it. This is the Rainbow Rod.



T_K_17: It's called a rod, it's called a Rainbow Rod

In this rod are the powers of god



I present this to you to assist you in battle as you in battle further.



SennenRyu: In Battle II: In Battle Further



When the time is right, simply aim it at the enemy and enunciate the phrase the magic phrase.



SennenRyu: As recounted to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.



Just have faith, and believe in the rod's power."



RatherHomely: “Because you definitely can’t believe in yourself!”

chaossorcerer: Must...resist...sex joke

DiStort: Do I have to say it again, seriously...? Ugh, fine. G'night everypony!



Lightning took hold of the rod, and held it tightly.



T_K_17: So... very... very... tightly.



He did believe in his master's words, and that he would do this.

He held the rod up high as it began to glow, and he recited the phrase engraved on the rod…

"Magic of the Rainbow,

My faith burns bright

To vanquish the evil,

…in rainbow's light!"



Crazy56U: Oh dear Luna... a Green Lantern reference. ...why associate that with this?!?

chaossorcerer: If that ever becomes Green Lantern’s new oath, I quit the comic.



"RAINBOW FORCE…!" and the shout of his command, a magical rainbow stream



SelfMarth17: HOMO RAY, FIRE!

Anon13: Set it’s power to FULL FABULOUSNESS!



fired from the tip of the wand and struck the Floralbite hard.



Midnight: he... rubbed one out and came rainbows?

Svensvenderson: If you cross the rainbow streams, what happens?



The monsters roared loud, and Dementia braced herself from the upcoming shockwaves.

Two colorful waves burst from the monster…

WHAAAOM!

WHAAAOM!



Svensvenderson: Sound Guy?! Get out of here! You deserve better than this!



Then POOF! It burst into a rain of ordinary flowers, and was all gone. Buddy, Rhymey and Krysta watched in awe, but then cheered for joy, and Lightning joined them, "I did it!" he cried.



RatherHomely: “Well, actually the wand did it, but I held it while it did things!”



Dementia couldn't believe what has just happened, both her monster being defeated, and she was in a mess. "You'll pay for this, you little clip-clops!"



Anon13: Is that unicorn for jerk-offs?



she snarled as she vanished and was gone.



Svensvenderson: “Vanished” implies “gone.”



Buddy Rose was happy that his hometown would be safe, and he could cancel his order for the seeds because now he had enough Beauti-Flors to fill a whole basket.



RatherHomely: The monster burst into “ordinary flowers”. I guess your flowers aren’t all that special.



"I'll take them back to my garden and get them replanted."

Still, what none of them could understand was how the flowers became a monster in the first place. Dementia's magic was only used for defense and capture. "Hey… what's this?" Krysta asked as she picked a flower that had traces of colored dust on it.



RatherHomely: I should have known! The flowers are sniffing cocaine!



The colors matched that of when the magic faded in those large waves when the monster was defeated.

"We need to see Brain. Now." said Lightning.



DiStort: “He’s probably in the middle of trying to take over the world right now.”

Svensvenderson: Is it night? Brain and Pinky only work at night.



…

Once back in Rainbow City, Buddy Rose went straight back to his garden, and Rhymey accompanied Lightning and Krysta to Brain's laboratory. He used his powers of wit and analysis to examine the dust.



RatherHomely: Rhymey did?



"Ah-ha…! Satisfactory! Most Satisfactory." he said.

"What is it, Brain…?

Please explain." said Rhymey.

Brain explained that the dust was, in fact,



Svensvenderson: Dandruff.

SelfMarth17: Cocaine.

Crazy56U: (chug) OxyClean. “HI, BILLY MAYS HERE TO SAVE THIS PIECE OF CRAP!”



the essence of defeated evil forces, and infused with the magical life-force of monsters. "So basically it just turns whatever it touches into a monster?" asked Krysta.



Svensvenderson: Good thing they touched it.



"Correct." Said Brain, "And it may have other qualities as well now that our enemy has it in his possession and obviously plans to use it as his method of attack."

This was good to know. The gang had learned a lot more about Titan and his plan of attack, and now they would be more prepared for him than ever.



RatherHomely: So the dust can turn anything into a monster. So all they need to do is be prepared for anything. Simple. Oh, hold on a second, my brain’s trying to throw up again...



In the meantime… it had been a long day, and Krysta and Lightning decided to head home. As they left Brain's lab, they could see Buddy Rose's Garden ahead and it was swarming with customers. No doubt they were there to buy or just one whiff of his new Beauti-Flors.

Buddy was so crowded, "I think I took in a little more than I could handle." he laughed.

Krysta and Lightning couldn't help but giggle.

…

(In the Grand Ruler's Palace)

Grand Ruler: "Well, we certainly learned a lot today."



chaossorcerer: Yeah. Violence solves all your problems

Midnight: “Dear Princess Celestia...”



"Buddy Rose learned that it's okay to leave your post sometimes, especially if the situation calls for it,



SelfMarth17: Hey Kids. Remember , when you get fired for skipping school, just say that the Grand Ruler said it was okay.



and Lightning is coming along nicely too.



T_K_17: GR: "He learned... uh... something. Like, how to shoot monsters or whatever."



Things come with time and you should just take it slow and simple. The more time you take, the more you may discover."



RatherHomely: The Tao of Mykan.



"See you all next time, and keep on believing."



DiStort: Dude, just... stop. Don’t even try to shoehorn a lesson in here. You haven’t earned that right.

Crazy56U: (hiccup) … … ...Critic, take this one for me.

Wild Trotter: Yeah, I'll keep on believing in giving this dreck the real ending it deserves. (smiles fiendishly)



EPISODE FOUR



Crazy56U: “A New Facepalm”. (hiccup)



The Rainbow Rod was indeed



T_K_17: rainbow colored



a mystical weapon, and was powered to respond to Lightning's command, and only his command. All he had to do was call for it in battle and it would come.

The Grand Ruler had also dispatched a good number of his guards to set up lookout towers all over the kingdom and be on the lookout for any signs of evil activity.



Wild Trotter: Read: All manner of forces wanting in on the rip-off bashing action, of which there are plenty.

Svensvenderson: A leader who is actually proactive?!



The minute anything seemed wrong, they would sound the alarms, alerting everyone to head for the nearest shelter.



Wild Trotter: Or, if any dissenters want to find a better fanfic to take up residence in, flee this blandfest-of-a-world entirely.



The only exceptions would be the armed forces, and or Lightning and any allies accompanying him into battle.

Magical force fields would also surround the buildings and homes to avoid collateral damage and keep the monsters outside.



RatherHomely: So they’re in no danger what-so-ever. Riveting.

T_K_17: A previous plan to pull the buildings underground was scrapped for being "too ridiculous".



Practice drills were held and everyone seemed to get the hang of it. Emergency supplies of food and water were passed all over the kingdom in case of long waiting periods. Lightning, of course, spent the whole week helping to deliver supplies, as was his job as town helper, but he was glad when the last of the supplies were dropped off. "Well, that should be all of it, Kyrsta."

Krysta checked her clip board, which was larger than she was. "Yep!" she chirped



DiStort: Chirping! It’s a sign of Nyx! Oh, Celestia, I’ve missed her and her ticks.



"And about time too. I'm exhausted."

Lightning's eyes widened at that statement. "You're exhausted? Look at my wings!"



RatherHomely: “... Okay, now what?”



Lightning Wings were all tired out from flying back and forth between towns and villages so much. "Not to mention carrying all these heavy crates and boxes."



T_K_17: Lightning: "How will all those TF2 players get their unusual hats without my help?"



He was really looking forward to going home for a nice long rest, only he ran into Artie along the way. He was carrying a towel with him. "Hi, Lightning. Hi Krysta…"

His friends returned his greeting.



RatherHomely: Lightning and Krysta were there too.



"What's with the towel?" asked Krysta.



RatherHomely: “Ever read Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy? It’s pretty important.”



Lightning also noticed that Artie didn't have his armor on and was merely wearing his exercising clothes, sweatband and he wore shoes instead of his boots on his hind legs. "Oh, no…! Please don't tell me…?" he groaned.

It was fitness-day- The day when all unicorns were to go through exercise workouts. It wasn't just all believing and having good skill to use magic, they also had to be in good shape and keep fit for normal everyday lives, as well as combat without magic.



Svensvenderson: Ze ubermenschen must be kept in ze top physical shape!

Wild Trotter: Especially for zose who vant to use ze power armor suits.



Participation was mandatory, with the exception of Krysta, of course. She wasn't a unicorn, and seemed fit and fiddles for her type.



Svensvenderson: OK, the author definitely has problems that can’t be solved by writing fanfiction.



Before Lightning knew it, he too was in his exercise clothes, and ready to get moving along with everyone else. Penny



Svensvenderson: For my thoughts? Oh, don’t tempt me...



was the coach. As a doctor she knew fit unicorns when she saw them and how to make them stay that way.



T_K_17: What, no fitness coach unicorn named Healthy?



"Okay unicorns! Are we ready…?" she called out. The crowd shouted loudly "YEAH…!"



RatherHomely: All those who said no were shot on sight.



"Yeah." groaned Lightning.

Penny put them through all kinds of exercises, aerobics, even a little bit of track and field.



DiStort: I’m reminded of a drawing I saw once of Rarity in an SS uniform.

Wild Trotter: Was that uniform of hers blue, by any chance?



Many of the unicorns did superb, but some didn't do so well.



Svensvenderson: They were quickly executed.



Lightning was doing the worst. He could hardly do so many push-ups; he couldn't leap over the jump pole, and during a period of timed jogging he finally collapsed. "Ugh…!"



RatherHomely: So the pony that doesn’t rely on magic is doing the worst? What’s that? My brain is telling me it burst into flames? Nothing new.



When he awoke, he was in the hospital, and Penny was wearing her uniform and looking after him. Krysta was there too. "Where am I?" he asked groggily. "Shh…! Take it easy, Lightning…" whispered Penny.

Krysta explained what happened, and Penny confirmed why. "You're overworked, Lightning. Oh, I should've known better than to put you put there. I'm sorry."



RatherHomely: Next time, put your put somewhere else!



Lightning smiled sleepily, "Well… at least now I can get some rest."



T_K_17: Lightning: "So is there any TV I can watch while I rest?"



Penny: "Sure, but the only channel we have is LOGO."



Lightning: "Awesome!"



Penny nodded, and said she check up on him later.

Krysta decided to get some rest too.

When Lighting woke up again, he felt much, much better. "I feel like I could lift up the moon."



chaossorcerer: You are going to piss off Luna now?



he joked. "Bad idea, that." Krysta said. "I don't think you could lift up anything that big."



DiStort: You’ll be living on the moon if I ever get my hooves on you.

Anon13: I’d throw in a “That’s what SHE said”, but this fic doesn’t deserve anything that good.



Lightning laughed with her.



RatherHomely: I think I’ll join him.



…

Meanwhile, Titan had observed the conversation,



RatherHomely: He’d been in the hospital for a blood test.



then he turned to face Rep-Stallion, "And you say you have an idea over this…?" he asked.

"Yes, my lord." answered Rep "What finer way to capture those unicorns that by using something strong and sturdy, something immovable… solid as a rock maybe."



DiStort: So... our monster of the week is Tom? Hmm. I approve.

Svensvenderson: Ugh, this is getting to the Scooby Doo level of stupid plans.



Titan gave his minion an impatient glare. "Get to the point!"

Rep-Stallion continued to explain, that against such a hard and heavy object, "The unicorns won't know what hit them. I will capture Lightning easily, and all his secrets will be yours, might Titan."

"Rep-Stallion… you may proceed." said Titan "And do not fail me."



Svensvenderson: Seriously, has that ever worked?



…

As Rep-Stallion prepared for his mission, he suffered the ridicule of his teammates. "Even I know this plan of yours won't work, Rep-Stallion." mocked Mysterious.



Svensvenderson: Great, even the idiot minion knows the plan is stupid.

DiStort: Evil minions are paid to act, not to think. Assuming they get paid.



"Huh! Just you wait…" snapped Rep "I'll be delivering unicorn pancakes to the front door by the end of the day."



RatherHomely: “Just make sure you chip in some money for your share, unlike that one time at Olive Garden. You know what I’m talking about!”



"Oh, sure you will…" Dementia said with sarcasm



T_K_17: OOOOOH! BUUUURN!



as she gazed at herself in her mirror from many angles.



RatherHomely: Notably twenty eight, thirty, and ninety six degrees.



Rep to no further notice and went on his way.

…

Lightning and Krysta were passing through though the fields, when they noticed Starla, in her exercise clothes, sitting on a bench and panting heavily. She looked as if she had been cantering a-hundred miles.



Svensvenderson: ♫ I’ll be the stallion who canters a hundred miles for you. ♫

For the Plot: ♫ Cause I would canter five-hundred miles, and I would canter five-hundred more... ♫



"Starla…?" called Lightning.

Starla was so pooped



chaossorcerer: Is a scat joke here appropriate?

Anon13: Mykan would just turn it into a "plot point".



she could barely raise her hove. "H… H… Hi…" she said, but her voice sounded very dry. Luckily there was a water fountain nearby.



T_K_17: Phew! Was on the edge of my seat for a moment.



Starla felt much better.



RatherHomely: Story conflict solved! Can we go now?



"Starla, what's going on?" asked Krysta.

Starla explained that the other night while she was star-gazing in her observatory. Then she was on her way down to the library to get a book when she could hear other unicorns down below talking about the exercise period, and they began to tease Starla a bit, not knowing that she could hear them…

"That Starla... she's hardly ever seen outside."



RatherHomely: “Except at night! And she likes stars, which sparkle! You know what

that means she is?!” Rhymey’s hint; it rhymes with “ampire”.



"Yeah… and the way she sometimes trips and stumbles, you'd think she was losing her shape more and more."



Svensvenderson: “Losing her shape”? Becoming what, a cube?



So Krysta decided to excesses constantly to get into shape and prove that she wasn't all those things those unicorns had said.



chaossorcerer: Starla: I am not a badly recolored Twilight Sparkle the author created just so the main character gets a girlfriend instead of being shipped with the boys! *cries*



"Starla... exercising this much isn't good for anyone."



DiStort: Methinks the author is projecting.



said Krysta "Look at you! You're so worn out."

"Besides, you don't look out of shape to me." said Lightning

Starla turned her pretty face towards Lightning, "I don't…?"



Svensvenderson: COMMENCE SHIPPING!

T_K_17: Fuck you, man! LightningDough4LYFE!



Lightning felt a little shy and blushed softly. "N-N-No… you'll look fine to me.



RatherHomely: “Once you exercise more, Pillsbury Dough Boy!”



Ahem!"

Starla and Krysta giggled by how cute Lightning looked when he was shy, and they walked back to town Starla still wished she looked at least a little stronger. "Who says you have to look stronger, or even be that?"



T_K_17: Being strong? In a warrior race? Pshh!



Lightning said to her.



RatherHomely: The Fuhrer’s mandatory excercise regiment, that’s what.



Starla was about to answer when someone shouted, "I do… for one."

The gang looked up a tree. "Rep-Stallion!" they all snarled.



DiStort: “Please,” he replied, “call me Greg.”

Svensvenderson: “Greg!” they all snarled.



That's when the alarms abounded, and all the unicorns were dashing towards the nearest building before the force fields appeared. "Looks like we're on our own out here." said Lightning "What do you want?" he snapped at Rep-Stallion.



chaossorcerer: Rep: I want to be adopted by Lauren Faust!



Rep was running the tip of his hove over the blade of his scythe.



RatherHomely: He was a bit clumsy, so he cut his leg off by accident.



"I couldn't help but overhear your little talk about… what was it…? Not having to be strong and I was wondering if you'd like to… prove it!" His eyes twinkled with a sinister and serious gaze.

Starla thought that a joke. "There's three of us



Svensvenderson: Well, two unicorns and a fairy.

chaossorcerer: Surely the manliest thing the author can think of.



and only one of you. We don't have to be strong there."

Lightning and Krysta nodded.

Rep leapt down from the tree and sniggered at them all. "Who ever said you were going to fight against me?"

"Huh…?"

"What…?"



RatherHomely: “Well, if that’s the case...” (Lightning sucker punches Starla.)



Rep reached behind him and held out a single ordinary rock he had found, and before the others could react, he reached into a pouch he was carrying, and dusted the rock once with yellow dust and again with blue. "That dust…!" yelped Lightning.

The rock began to glow magically as it grew in size and sprouted legs and arms, and an ugly face.



chaossorcerer: Such imagination and creativity put in that wonderful description.

RatherHomely: You know you’re in trouble if the best monster you could come up with is a rock.



Rep-Stallion laughed maliciously as the monster became complete.

The gang blinked their eyes once each. "I think we're in trouble…" Krysta peeped.

Rep snickered again and held his scythe forward. "Strong Stone, Seize them!"



Svensvenderson: Strong Stone was the best you could come up with?



The monster pounded its huge feet which actually caused tremors which nearly knocked Lightning and Starla down. "Whoa…!" Lightning feared for Starla, since she wasn't in armor, but there was no place for her to go with the buildings all sealed off.

"Can't you just use the rainbow rod?" she asked.



RatherHomely: “And end the story early? No sir!”



"Not yet I can't… the time isn't right." Lightning had been studying and found out the best time to use the rainbow force was after the monster's weakness had been exposed.



Mephistopheles2.0: The little red glowing eye on it's ass, naturally.

Svensvenderson: Again, the Power Rangers ethos.



Using it now would do absolutely nothing. "That doesn't mean I can't try something else." And he got down on all fours and charged forward… but Strong Stone, lived up to his name by simply



RatherHomely: Letting Lightning run head-on into a rock. Wait till the brick wall

monster comes along...



raising his huge stone fist to block Lightning from going any further and simply nudging him…

"WHAAA…!" Just that simple nudge sent him far. "LIGHTNING…!" cried the girls.

Lightning could see stars and birds before his dizzy eyes.

Starla features hardened. "My turn now…! STAR SHOWER…!"

Sadly, all that bombardment didn't even tickle the monster. "It's like hitting a solid rock."

"Uh, Starla…?" said Krysta, "It is a rock,



For the Plot: Buh-dum-tiss!

Svensvenderson: *facehoof*



and it's heading this way!"

The monster was stomping towards them, and they began to run as the monster gave chase. Rep-Stallion laughed hard and wickedly. "I'm enjoying this…! Heh, heh, ah, ah, ah…!"

Lightning finally got upright again and was charged right at the tree knocking Rep off of it and down to the ground. "Whoa..! Ah…!"



RatherHomely: “Ah, ah, ah, ah...”



"Are you afraid to fight us yourself?" Lightning snarled. "Bring it on!" snapped Rep-Stallion.

Despite that Lightning didn't have a weapon or any other magic on him; he managed to dodge all of Rep's scythe attacks. "Being strong isn't everything, you know."



RatherHomely: There’s smarts, but I’m not sure you’ve got an advantage there.



Rep growled and continued to swing his scythe at him, "Tell that to Lord Titan when I bring you to him all tuckered out!"

As their fight continued, Starla and Krysta were still on the run from Strong Stone, he wasn't very fast, being so heavy, but he sure was able to keep the girls in his sights, so the girls decided to fly up high. "We'll be safer up here." said Starla.

"Uh… I don't think so…" cried Krysta "Look!"

Strong Stone looked way up, and opened his huge mouth firing blazing meteor stones straight up at them, which they barely dodged. "Lightning…! We could use some help…!"



DiStort: In the form of a bullet? Couldn’t agree more.



shouted Krysta.

Down below, Lightning was engaged in a battle lock, his horn against Rep-Stallion's scythe. "I'm a little busy right now…" he shouted back to them. "Try to find the monster's weakness!"



Svensvenderson: “It should be glowing bright red!”



"That is not going to happen!" growled Rep. "SCYTHE SHOCK!" and Lightning was jolted away from him.



RatherHomely: Oh, the irony...



Strong Stone continued to fire his meteors at the girls. The girls just continued to swerve and evade the shots, but they couldn't keep it up. Somehow they just had to find out the monster's weakness.



T_K_17: Grass and water attacks. Come on, it's not difficult.



Then suddenly, as Krysta gazed into Strong Stone's huge mouth, "I have an idea…!" she said as she flew downward. "Krysta, No! What are you doing?" cried Starla.

Kyrsta had flown closer towards the monster and began teasing him to chasing her.



Svensvenderson: Kyrsta’s a rock tease.



Flying one way, then another- up and down, every way around…

She was pretty fast, and her small size made her hard to see and follow. Strong Stone was getting dizzy. Starla was beginning to see, but she already knew the monster wasn't fast. Where was its weakness?

Suddenly Krysta flew way, way up. "Follow me…!" she called to Starla. Resisting the urge to question, Starla followed her until they were both directly above the monster and he was gazing straight up at them. "What are we…?"

"Just trust me." said Krysta.

The monster opened his mouth, "Okay, get ready…!"

Starla was getting nervous, which turned into fear as the meteor began to come right at them. "Now!" shouted Krysta and they split apart from each other letting the rock go just past them, it when up, and up, and up… and would soon come down again in a prefect straight line.



Svensvenderson: “How’d you fix the icing problem?”



The girls went back to where they last were and at Krysta's word, began to fly downward slowly. "Krysta…!" whimpered Starla "KRYSTA…!"



RatherHomely: “Stop shouting, I’m five feet from you! What do you want?!”



Lightning caught a glimpse of them. "Girls…!"

Rep-Stallion was overjoyed, "Get them, my monster…!"



DiStort: DEAR CELESTIA, THINK OF THOSE POOR ELLIPSES WILL YOU?!

Crazy56U: On it. (chug)



Strong Stone opened his mouth to shoot again. The girls waited until the last moment, "Now!" shouted Krysta as she and Starla sprinted away just as the next meteor was launched, and while it shot straight up, the first meteor was crashing straight down.

The two meteors collided and smashed into many small fragments,



RatherHomely: Remember when the monster fired a bunch of meteors? Good times...



some of which landed in the monster's open mouth. The monster groaned and roared as it didn't seem to like being hit there.

"What…?" snarled Rep-Stallion. "It can't be…!"

Lightning pushed him off, and ran off to join the girls. "Krsyta…! Way to go…!"

Krysta winked at him. "My turn now…!" said Starla "QUASAR BEAM…!" From her horn, she shot a beam of energy straight into Strong Stone's mouth, weakening him even more. Now was Lightning's chance and he called out, "Rainbow Rod…Come to me!" and his magical wand, responding to his voice, came flying over the fields and into his grasp.

He began to concentrate really hard as he held the rod up high as it began to glow…

"Magic of the Rainbow,

My faith burns bright

To vanquish the evil,

…in rainbow's light!"



Scawking: By the power of Greyskull!

Crazy56U: (chug) ...you reused the same not-Green Lantern oath thing. ...why? ...no, seriously; why? Explain why you did that Explain why you keep this train wreck going! (chug, throws can away) Seriously, EXPLAIN!



"RAINBOW FORCE…!"



RatherHomely: “Make me fabulous!”



The magic flew straight down Strong Stone's throat,



SelfMarth17: Aaaaaaaaaand the Homo Ray joke suddenly makes more sense.



crushing him into ordinary rocks, and dissolving the evil magic within.

WHAAAOM!

WHAAAOM!



Isphone: KRAKOOOOMMM!

DiStort: Looks like Sound Effects Guy is working for scale.

Svensvenderson: Either that, or he needs to renew his work visa.



The girls cheered for joy and then Lightning turned to face Rep-Stallion, "Your turn now…!" but before he could act, Rep-Stallion promised him, "I'll be back! Just you wait!"



DiStort: “I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, LIGHTNING, NEXT TIME! (MREEOW)”

Midnight: Go go convenient plot device!



then he vanished and was gone.

Lightning growled in frustration that Rep had escaped. The important thing was that everything was okay now. No serious damage had been done to the park. The force fields were lowered and everyone was allowed back outside again.

…

"And extraordinary performance, Rep-Stallion." sneered Titan "And all you return with is a tangled tail, and no Lightning? I am displeased."

"Yes, My Lord." said Rep-Stallion "The fault is mine."



Crazy56U: I can name someone else who’s the real one to blame. After all, he’s the author! (hiccup)



Mysterious and Dementia could hear the whole thing, and couldn't help but feel sorry for Rep, in a mocking manner. "We told him it wouldn't work." They whispered to one another.



RatherHomely: That’s how I show I feel sorry for someone.



Titan clenched his fists furiously. "You've won the battle today, Unicorns, but the war is not over yet!"

…

Lightning walked Starla home to the observatory. Starla thanked Lightning and Krysta for all they did. "You should thank yourself, Starla." said Krysta.

Lightning nodded "You helped me take out that big brute and you weren't even wearing your armor. You see…? You already are strong and fit.



RatherHomely: “I guess being strong and fit was important after all.”



So you really don't have to worry about what others think."

Starla smiled and felt much better "Thanks…" she said and she pecked Lightning on his cheek



RatherHomely: With her beak.



before she headed inside. Lightning's face turned bright red.

Krysta giggled "What's the matter, Lightning?" she teased.



T_K_17: Krysta: "Put your wings down, Lightning. You're embarrassing us."



Lightning could barely speak and just stuttered and slurred words all the way home.



Crazy56U: AHA! Proof that I’m not the only one drunk! (chug)

…

(In Grand Ruler's palace)

*Grand Ruler is working out*

Grand Ruler: "Turn, and turn… and stree-ee-etch…! Ahh…!"



Midnight: Alright, once again, show me where on the doll he touched you...

SelfMarth17: I don’t even want to know.

Crazy56U: Neither do I. (shudder) (chug)



"Everyone has their own special shape and size, and while exercise is good for you sometimes, it's never a good idea to do too much. Having big muscles doesn't mean you are in good shape either, but there are other ways to get into better shape or stay in shape. Eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water, get plenty of rest, and even doing regular chores can be a good workout."



Mephistopheles2.0: Good god almighty, it's "Sailor Moon Says!"

T_K_17: GR: "And standing up while playing Guitar Hero. You'll be dropping the pounds in days!"



"Starla has learned well today, and I am very proud of Lightning for helping her see that being strong is not everything, but being strong-minded and swift can be just as effective."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"





Drizzel: FINALLY(jumps out the window)

DiStort: Okay, I think I figured it out: this is what children in Equestria watch on TV. This is the only explanation I can think of.

RatherHomely: You mean they believe in torture in Equestria?

chaossorcerer: That explanation is an insult towards Scootaloo, Snail, Snips and every other foal of the show.

Scawking: Not at all, it explains why Equestrian children never watch TV.

Isphone: I believe I’ve had enough of this.

Crazy56U: And yet this is only part one. … (blacks out)

DiStort: Someone get the smelling salts and wake Crazy. I gotta go soak my head in Dr. Pepper. That always makes me feel better.

Svensvenderson: Is it my turn to get the smelling salts? It is, isn’t it. C’mon Crazy, this asshole still has 11 more chapters.

RatherHomely: Oh really? Because I seem to count another 22... Crap.

Wild Trotter: Well, at least I know what I'm getting myself into for the rest of this damn story.

dragonjackal: My brain... my poor, poor brain... I'm going to hurt Midnight for inflicting this on us.

RingmasterJ5: And this is just part ONE of FIVE.

Anon13: Good god, it’s the literary equivalent of explosive diarrhea.

chaossorcerer: At least we found something that bronies all over the world will hate. Kind of an achievement.

DiStort: The only way we can love and tolerate here is to track down the author, strap him to a chair, and force him to watch every current episode of FiM. It'll do him loads of good.

midnightshadowpony: you say that as if he hasn't already...





* * *





RingmasterJ5: Oh, hey, time for Part Two. Now with picture evidence of the author’s plans for the story, thanks to chaossorceror: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Anon13: Y'know, I think I've figured this out... This is the Bollywood version of FiM... the almost but not quite version that just barely skirts copyright. Someone should tell the author you can only get away with that when you have a billion people backing you up.

Svensvenderson: That actually makes a lot of sense.

Wild Trotter: I thought it was like an Italian knock-off or something.

Anon13: The Italian stuff can still qualify as “classic” in the west (Fistful of Dollars, anyone?) This, not so much.

RingmasterJ5: No, I think he means Video Brinquedo or something like that. I’m still going with “early 90’s PBS Kids FiM”, personally.

Wild Trotter: Now imagine if this actually got made into an actual cartoon... *groans*



EPISODE FIVE



Crazy56U: (wakes up) Ugh... I feel like I got hit by a semi. ...what’d I miss?

Disco: Nothing important.

DiStort: (Removes head from tub of Dr. Pepper) Cough... okay, I’m good. Let’s do this like Brutus.

Drizzel: (climbs back in through the window) Alright lets do this.



Today it was raining in Unicornicopia.



Crazy56U: … (facehoof) Oh... right.

Svensvenderson: Sorry Crazy. We’re not done yet. Not by a long shot.

Crazy56U: God damn it... (sits up, fixes hair) ...let’s do this.

Mephistopheles2.0: No author's notes? I am disappoint.

Anon13: Here, I'll fill it in: "Blah, blah, blah, bad story, blah, blah, blah, I've got problems, blah, blah, blah, I suck. Enjoy!"



It was a nice calm and cheerful rain the Grand Ruler had conjured to give everything a nice wash down and water the fields and trees.



DiStort: How nice.



He wouldn't stop the shower for anything, not until it was properly time to do so.



Svensvenderson: OK, so the GR has OCD. Good to know.

Chaossorcerer: He had to do the dirty weather work, seeing how all the pegasi ended in the rainbow factory. And his alicorns were too mentally retarded to handle heavy machinery.

Crazy56U: You know, I never read “Rainbow Factory”, but put into context with this, it sounds like a wonderful story for the ages.



The best part was some unicorns who worked outdoors were given the day off.

Lightning, unfortunately,



Svensvenderson: Was still around.



was not one of them and still had his duties to do as town helper.



DiStort: Can’t keep a good chore monkey down, I guess.



Krysta lived in a small doll-like house



T_K_17: A house in the shape of a doll.

Svensvenderson: As opposed to a doll house?



near his bed, and just fluttered out. "I hate the rain." she grumbled.

She didn't really hate the rain.



Svensvenderson: Make up your mind Krysta!

Crazy56U: She hasn’t bothered to read the script, has she?

DiStort: Can you honestly blame her?



It was just that a single raindrop to her was about the size of a kickball to Lightning and the others.



RatherHomely: So... She does hate rain then?

DiStort: Methinks GR likes rain a bit too much if he’s making them that big.



She didn't like going outside when it rained because it was hard to fly through it all without getting completely drenched.

Lighting thought that was funny,



RatherHomely: Because he enjoys laughing at other people’s pain.



"Ever thought of using an umbrella?"

Krysta sighed and shook her head. "I don't like umbrellas either. I get lost inside of them."



Svensvenderson: But, how, that doesn’t even...

Crazy56U: Krysta... do you know what an umbrella is?



Lightning knew just what to do about that. All Krysta needed was an umbrella the right size. That's when he gave her a playful little umbrella he got in a glass of punch with a piece of cherry and orange the last time he was at Cookie Dough's.



Chaossorcerer: Was he there to get drunk? Understandable. Crazy does the same.

Crazy56U: Dude, after last time, I’m no longer touching the stuff. I’m riding this out sober; the hangover will be enough.

Svensvenderson: Good. We were running out of smelling salts.



"I saved it just for you."

Krysta really loved it and twirled round and around with it. "Thanks a lot." she said, "But next time, save me the fruit



Svensvenderson: Rhymey?



too?"

They shared and laugh,



T_K_17: Lightning: "Ah, ha, ha, ha! Krysta, we really need to get laid."



and then Lightning put on his rain outfit and hat,



Svensvenderson: I put on my rain outfit and hat.

Wild Trotter: What? Raincoats too expensive in Unicornicopia?



and they were off to town.

…

Mysterious stood before Titan with an idea to propose.



chaossorcerer: Mysterious: Marry me. Perhaps Yaoi can save the story.

Svensvenderson: “Titan? Will you make me the happiest one dimensional character ever?”

DiStort: Low standards abound.



It most likely wouldn't help them capture Lightning,



Svensvenderson: “Titan, I have this magic bottle...”



"But I assure you I shall not come back empty handed, my lord."

"Oh…?" hissed Titan, "And just what is it you had in mind, Mysterious? It had better be good…!"



T_K_17: Titan: "Or else I... will... oh who cares? Do whatever the hell you want."



Mysterious explained that in addition to the importance of Lightning's capture, it was also necessary to gather more power for Titan.



RatherHomely: Because obviously the evil overlord needed to be reminded about that.



"I have plan that will not only gather you vast amounts of energy, and perhaps even lure Lightning Dawn into my clutches. I will not return to you empty handed, my lord."



Svensvenderson: Tempting fate 101, everypony.



Titan liked the sound of Mysterious plan,



Isphone: It’s something like the sound of bacon mixed with screaming.

DiStort: Sounds catchy.



and the two of them laughed maliciously together.



Wild Trotter: All before the two went to get a drink together.

…

Several unicorns walking out in the rain…



Crazy56U: As long as they aren’t singing in the rain...

RatherHomely: As long as Rhymey isn’t here, we’ll be just fine.



Lightning and Krysta met up with Artie who was playing outdoors to gain inspiration for a rainy picture he wanted to paint.



Svensvenderson: Wait, wait; let me guess. He wanted to use watercolors?



He was playfully splashing in the puddles like a little colt, and Rhymey came along singing playfully...



RatherHomely: Crap! Go away! I already had enough stupidity in the last chapter!



"It's raining, it's pouring.



Wild Trotter: "This fanfic is boring!"



The old stallion is snoring.

He went to bed with a cold in his head

And he didn't get up in mo-ho-horning."



GelidEnmity: “In short, that stallion died. He’s dead now. And he went to hell. Just like you will someday.”

Isphone: The Aperture Science Enrichment Center would like to remind you that Hell is a real place where you will go if you write a spin off of this fan fiction.

RingmasterJ5: Uhh... right. *deletes Friendship vs. Believing Chapter One*



Even Brain was in the park testing his new rain gauge. "Ahh…! Satisfactory! Most satisfactory."



Svensvenderson: “My empty jar successfully captures water!”

Crazy56U: Masterful scientist, that one. Why, just last week, he figured out that it snows when it’s cold!



He gleamed. "With enough of this water, I should be able to complete my newest experiment."

"What kind of experiment is that?" asked Krysta,



Wild Trotter: "And tell me it doesn't involve my chest!"

T_K_17: Brain: "I am testing the edibility of water."



but Brain thought it rather complicated for the other to understand just yet. "Can we lend a hand in any way?" asked Lightning



chaossorcerer: Brain looked at him confused and asked "what is a hand"?



"I feel that… em… may not be necessary, my good yellow."



GelidEnmity: DAS RACIST.

DiStort: “NO ONE CALLS US YELLER. DRAW PARDNER!”



answered Brain, "But if I require, I shall inform you." Then he went off to find a spot where it was raining harder to gather more water leaving the others in the park.



RatherHomely: I guess the storm ran out of water where he was standing.



The rain just felt so wonderful, and warm even



DiStort: Aaaand now I have an image in my head of GR sitting in a cloud with his pants down. Thanks for that.



, a lot of the unicorns passing by had smiles on their faces, but Krysta was still complaining a little. Even with her little umbrella, and her specially made raincoat, she still found it hard to battle against the raindrops. "Blech…! Why does the rain always make things so hard for me?"



Isphone: She’s a witch! Burn the witch!

DiStort: She’s not a witch, the forces of nature simply despise her very existence.



Rhymey, approached her and recited form one of his recent poems.



Wild Trotter: Dammit, Rhymey!

Crazy56U: You know, I didn’t mention it before, but I guess I should now: I want to punch Rhymey. I really do.

Wild Trotter: So do I, Crazy. So do I.

DiStort: I’m partial to a spinning roundhouse kick, myself.



"While it's hard on you with no doubt,

There are things about the rain I must point out.

The flowers and plants and even the trees

They need the rain water to grow with ease.



RatherHomely: I feel like I’m watching a very bad version of Sesame Street. My intelligence is dropping as I speak.



And though the rain may be drippy and wet

There are still fun ways to have in it yet.

You can splash in the puddles, catch drops on your tongue

But the best part of all, you can sing a nice song."



Choassorcerer: Incoming song. You had to tempt fate Crazy, didn’t you?

Crazy56U: Oh be quiet you, I wasn’t thinking.

Svensvenderson: Ha! Tongue and song don’t rhyme! Wait, why am I complaining?

DiStort: Maybe if we keep pointing out his errors, Rhymey will spontaneously combust or something. I’m just kinda blindly hoping here.



Music began to play



Svensvenderson: Just out of nowhere?

RatherHomely: He has his own band following him around.

Wild Trotter: At least we're spared having to hear it, aren't we?



as Rhymey held his umbrella nicely, and even tap danced as he splashed in the puddles and the others joined him too…



T_K_17: You guys haven't forgotten this is a warrior race, right? Just checking.



(Today's Special" Storms: "I love the Rain")



Crazy56U: Wait... you didn’t... you wouldn’t... ...did you honestly base this off of that song from bucking “YO GABBA GABBA”?!?!

DiStort: …why do you know about songs from “Yo Gabba Gabba,” Crazy?

Crazy56U: ...I get bored, okay?!



(Rhymey)

I love the rain. I love it when it's raining

You'll find me smiling while others are complaining

I love the rain. I love it when it's raining outdoors.



T_K_17: "My daddy spent his life lookin' up at the sky

He'd cuss, kick the dust, sayin' son it's way too dry"



I love the rain. The puddles and the splashes

Feel it on my face, it makes me blink my eyelashes

I love the rain. I love it when it's raining outdoors.



chaossorcerer: Mykan: I love the rain. And I love when he washes away all my haters in a flood.

Mephistopheles2.0: As opposed to indoors, because that would fry my computer and I wouldn't be able to write these awful fics anymore.

Anon13: In which case we would love the rain.



I love the rain…

It's raining. It's pouring

I love the rain…

The old stallion is snoring

I love the rain…

He went to bed with a cold in his head



(Everyone)



RatherHomely: C’mon, fellow riffers! Let’s get in the spirit of things! ALL TOGETHER

NOW! (Tackled by everyone)



And he didn't get up in the mo-ho-horning!



chaossorcerer: Cause he was dead.



I love the rain. The warm and gentle showers

I could soak it up just like the flowers for hours

I love the rain. I love it when it's raining outdoors.

I love it when it's raining outdoors.

I love it when it's raining outdoors!

The boys made one big splash in the puddles for a finish,



GelidEnmity: but they forgot it was quicksand. Can it be the end now?

Svensvenderson: We’d never be that lucky.

RatherHomely: I hope everyone’s going to come and see My Little Unicorn The Musical!



and Krysta was actually starting to feel better, at least until she got hit by a huge drop right in her face. "Ugh…!" she spluttered.



RatherHomely: And subsequently drowned.

Wild Trotter: "Ah crap, I think I blossomed again!"



The boys chuckled softly.



Crazy56U: They were reading a dirty magazine while she wasn’t looking.

DiStort: Not like they had anything more interesting to look at.



…

Meanwhile, there was Bluesville.



Svensvenderson: No! Not the Blues Bronies!

Crazy56U: If they were on a mission from God in this, it would involve mass extermination. ...let them in.



It wasn't called that because anyone was sad or weepy.



GelidEnmity: It was called Bluesville because everyone painted themselves blue with lead paint.

RatherHomely: Really? I thought it was because of the lack of imagination.



Just for the color.



DiStort: The home town of the Happy-Happiest Cult. Fun.

T_K_17: "Yo listen up here's a story

About a little colt that lives in a blue world

And all day and all night and everything he sees

Is just blue like him inside and outside"

For the Plot: "Blue doll-like house, with a blue little window, and a blue chariot, and everything thing is blue for him, and himself, and everypony around, 'cause this author ain't got any psychiatrist to listen to."



It was also the home of the waterworks; the very source of all the clear drinking water for the entire kingdom.



Svensvenderson: The town where the “clear water” comes from is called Bluesville. Lolwut?

Isphone: It used to be Transparent Town, but nopony could find it.

chaossorcerer: (singing) Any dolt with half a brain, can see the author is going insane. to the point where I don`t know, if I upset the status quo, by putting poison in the unicorns water main...

Svensvenderson: ♫ Listen close to everypony's heart, and hear that facehoofing sound... ♫

Mephistopheles2.0: wishing this fic were shattering apart, and crashing to the ground



Technicians and workers helped keep the place shining bright, and made sure nothing bad happened to the water. What no one noticed was Mysterious, being a shadow creature, could slink about the place while hiding in dark places, and slink under the doors without being seen.



Svensvenderson: Mysterious is a regular slinky, isn’t he.



He peeked up from the floor, and then he saw the main power-switch that controlled all the power in the building,



DiStort: Why would they even install that...?



and he slinked



Svensvenderson: Told you.



along the wall and turned it off which turned out all the lights, making it pitch black, and impossible to see inside for all the technicians, and when the emergency lights came on, the technicians were all tied up and gaged with dark wraps, and Mysterious was in control of things now.

"Hmm, mm, mm, mm, mm…! And now…



Crazy56U ...to keep making random mumbly noises?



to work." he



Svensvenderson: Slinked?



sniggered



Svensvenderson: Oh.



as he gazed at the tanks of water that came in, and using his shadow-magic he conjured a small vortex



RatherHomely: I guarantee he’ll never use these vortexes again.



causing the water to flow into the vortex, instead of passing through the rest of the works to supply the kingdom.

He would transfer the water straight to Titan, and use it harness more energy,



Svensvenderson: Using the hydroelectric dam he apparently has.

DiStort: Well, at least Titan is an environmentally conscious villain.



as well as combining it with the magic he had already stolen form the technician unicorns he had tied up. "So much energy, so little time." he said to himself. Then he began to ponder way to maybe lure Lightning and friends to him. After all, if he caught him it would make Titan all the more pleased.



Svensvenderson: Mysterious is always trying to think of of ways of “pleasing” Titan.



That's when he heard the sound of the rain hitting the roof. "Hmm…" he wondered and came up with a plan.



Anon13: Self-waterboarding? Go for it!



…

The rain continued to fall, and Lightning and friends went to Cookie Dough's for their lunch. Brain was there, and offered them to sit with him.



RatherHomely: He wants to discuss his latest discovery of how water’s wet.



Krysta finally dried off her long blonde hair on a napkin. "Cheer up, Krysta. It won't rain forever." said Artie.



RatherHomely: A million rainy years later...



"Artie is right, my dear." added Brain "We should all be patient as we can be and make the most of things." He said all this while he scribbled a formula onto his own napkin for his experiment.



Svensvenderson: 2+2=?

Crazy56U: 5.

DiStort: Fish.

RatherHomely: Question mark of course!



"Ah, yes."

He almost seemed in rather a hurry to finish his lunch, and for good reason. He was planning to head to the waterworks in Bluesville. He required some help from the technicians there for the final piece of his puzzle.



Svensvenderson: Getting all the puzzle pieces in Banjo-Kazooie is a bitch, I have to admit.

RatherHomely: I bet they got the piece all soggy.



"Boy, he sure does burry himself in his work." Lightning whispered to the others who agreed with him.



RatherHomely: When Brain dies, he wants to have his coffin buried in mounds of

paper.



Suddenly, it began to grow darker outside- much, much darker. "What's happening?" asked Artie.

"Curious! Moist curious." muttered Brain



RatherHomely: Don’t forget satisfactory!



"It shouldn't be getting dark at this hour."



Crazy56U: And then Brain remembered what Daylight Savings Time is. He promptly slapped himself for being stupid.

GelidEnmity: Yet he did it too hard and his hoof went through his skull.

THE END

Crazy56U: ...why would the death of Brain end this?

GelidEnmity: I don’t know... maybe he has some important role in the end?

Crazy56U: Him instead of Lightning?!? BLASPHEMY!

DiStort: The old decoy protagonist trick. Gets em’ every time.

RatherHomely: With our luck, the real protagonist is going to end up being Rhymey.



The gang headed outside, and noticed the clouds were getting darker, and thunder and lightning began to strike.



Wild Trotter: Only for the lightning to strike the crew, blowing them into chunky kibble.



This was very abnormal, for the Grand Ruler never allowed this type of weather, at least not in this particular manner.



RatherHomely: All inferior weather shall be executed immediately!



Rhymey felt a shiver crawl down his back…



Crazy56U: Too bad he doesn’t have anti-shiver spray. Those things bite worse than mosquitoes.



"I feel that something is not right,



Svensvenderson: This whole fic?



Just who or what has blocked out the light?"



chaossorcerer: Your mom, when she stands in the sun.

...Did I really just make this kind of joke?



Lightning and Krysta had a good idea what was going on,



RatherHomely: The plot was starting to kick in.



but the warning alarms hadn't sounded yet, so it wasn't confirmed if it was Titan or not.



Svensvenderson: How many other villains are there? Of course it’s Titan!



Still, the gang agreed to investigate. "But where do we start looking?"



RatherHomely: “You take that half of the sky, and I’ll take this half!



Brain had an idea, and it involved his experiment. "I thought you said it was incomplete?" said Krysta. "It is…" answered Brain, "But in desperate times… uh, such as now- will force us to take drastic measures."



Svensvenderson: “No, my teleportation device doesn’t need a screen door.”

Isphone: “You know what to do Gordon. Just shove the sample into the chamber, and we can get started...”

T_K_17: Are you sure? Because I still have nightmares about that cat...



Reaching into the pocket of his raincoat, he pulled out a small object. "This, my dear friends, is my latest invention; The Elemental Radar Receptor in Finding Interesting Characters-Terrific, for short."



Svensvenderson: “It goes *ding* when there’s stuff.”

RatherHomely: You aren’t going to find any in this story.



The others all blinked in confusion, until Brain explained it was a radar tracking device that could detect elements, and other sources of energy and magic.



Svensvenderson: So now Mykan has ripped off the P.K.E. meter from Ghostbusters. Lovely.

Wild Trotter: Oh, how I wonder what he'll rip off next.

Disco: I'm hoping for a Ferris Bueller spinoff. There's no way that can't be entertaining.

Anon13: There is if Mykan's writing it.



It was still in development, and hadn't been tested yet, but if it worked, it would allow them to find the source of the reason why the sky was growing dark.



DiStort: Or you could stop over-complicating things and just use your eyes.



"Well, why did you want water for it?" asked Artie.

"My dear fellow…" said Brain "Such a delicate device like this should be made stronger to withstand damage. It was my hope of making a coating to make it water-resistant."



Svensvenderson: And tap water wouldn’t have worked because....?



"So as long as we don't get it wet it'll be fine?" Lightning asked.

"Correct!"

With that settled, they were off. The radar seemed to work, but the rain was making it a little hard to track the source properly, which was another reason Brain was experimenting with rainwater- to make it strong against interference. To make things harder, the unicorns couldn't fly or their wings would get wet and heavy, which meant they had to walk.



RatherHomely: A pity they couldn’t have, I don’t know, flown above the clouds.



Krysta could hardly keep her umbrella up, and was starting to get wet again; at least her wings were different and could work in the rain.



Svensvenderson: So, unicorns can’t fly in the rain, but fairies can?

DiStort: Well, now I know why she’s the only fairy: every other fairy was killed by GR out of jealousy for their better wings.



"How much further, Brain…?" she asked.

The signal seemed to be coming from Bluesville. "Ah ha! Satisfactory…! Most Satisfactory..."



Wild Trotter: Ugh, can we make a drinking game out of this fanfic?

Crazy56U: (glares)

SelfMarth17: We're not risking liver poisoning. No drinking game.



Brain simple said. "The signal is getting stronger in detecting abnormal activity within this village. Follow me."

Rhymey rubbed his aching hooves



chaossorcerer: Against his penis.

GelidEnmity: NOPE.

Drizzel: (facehoof)

Anon13: BRAIN BLEACH, STAT!



"I hope we find is soon, Brain…

My poor little hooves are aching in pain."



Wild Trotter: So is our brains, having to put up with your painful rhyming.



"You and me both." groaned Lightning.

Bluesville sure had a lot of ponds, rivers, and lakes, as it was the water source of the kingdom,



DiStort: Wait, really? I HAD NO IDEA.



but suddenly, the radar shorted out. "Oh, dear…! I was afraid this would happen." said Brain "The air is positively dripping with moisture. There is nothing more I can do at this point."



Mephistopheles2.0: That isn’t how humidity works. How are you the smartest of the unicorns?

T_K_17: Brain's parents actually named their child for ironic reasons.

RatherHomely: Well, I’m sure glad we spent an entire Brain subplot on something that

wouldn’t matter anyway soon after. It’s not like I’ll never be able to get the time

reading back...



"Where do we look now…?" asked Artie.

Krysta then noticed Lightning was looking away from the group. "What wrong, Lightning…?"



Svensvenderson: Aside from EVERYTHING in this fic?



she asked, and then she saw it too. Lightning was staring at the waterworks building, exactly where brain wanted to go in first place. Yet, the water wasn't flowing very well, as if it were being blocked.



Svensvenderson: How can he tell?



The clouds above the building were darker, and stormier than anywhere else. "Curious! Most curious." said Brain.

"If the trouble isn't there, I don't know where it could be." said Lightning,



Svensvenderson: Thank Celestia for his Mary Sue powers!

RatherHomely: In the writing, of course.



and they all headed inside, where they found it was dark, and pretty much deserted. At least the emergency lights were on.

"Hello…?" Artie called out.

"Is there anyone at all?

Please answer our call!" added Rhymey.



Mephistopheles2.0: I wouldn't answer a compulsively rhyming unicorn under any circumstances.



As they trekked deeper, they found some of the guards, literally,



Svensvenderson: They “literally” found some of the guards?

DiStort: The figurative guards were on a coffee break.



laying down on the job. Krysta could recognize that their rest was not natural. "Their magic and energy must've been drained."



RatherHomely: Thank you, Dr. McCoy.

chaossorcerer: You know what would be awesome? When they now turn into magic sucking zombies.



The sound of sinister



Svensvenderson: The sound of sinister. Ask for it by name!



sniggered followed that statement. "Hmm, mm, heh, heh, heh…! You are correct, young fairy."

"That voice!" snapped Lightning "Come on out, Mysterious! We know it's you."



DiStort: Actually, it’s just Bill from accounting. He voice just naturally exudes sinister-ness. Birth defect.



"Do you, now…?" Mysterious hissed as he appeared before the intake tanks, "And do you also know why I lured you and your little colleagues here for, Lightning?"



DiStort: “Unless the answer is waffles, I frankly don’t give a flying buck.”



Lightning gritted his teeth angrily, but before he could say anything, Mysterious merely stepped aside revealing his vortex taking all the water away. "Even if I fail to capture you, I believe Lord Titan will find all this water as valuable as I do."



RatherHomely: “He’ll open a bottled water company and make a fortune!”



"Huh…?" the others all wondered.

"Oh, yes…" replied Mysterious "For you haven't yet seen the type of monsters that I am able to create.



T_K_17: Ooh, what is it?! No wait, lemme guess. Let's see... he's at a water processing plant... He'll make a plant monster!



Ha, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…!" and while he was laughing, he threw the magic dust intro the tank,



DiStort: All-purpose monster-making magic dust. Only available at Henchman’s Warehouse.



and the water began to bubble and stir and it began to rise up and take the shape of monster with many watery tentacles



Svensvenderson: And every Japanese schoolgirl screamed in terror.

Anon13: “terror”. Right.



- A monster that was actually made of water.



Chaosorcerer: Wait a sec... Perfect Chaos?

DiStort: Celestia, I wish.



"Incredible…!" remarked Brain.

"Now's not the time for that, Brain." snapped Lightning "We got work to do."



RatherHomely: (Singing) If there’s something strange,

in your fan fiction world...

Who you gonna call?

Anon13: (Still singing:) NOT THESE GUYS!



The others agreed and prepared for battle…

"WARD SWORD…!" shouted Rhymey.

"BIG BRUSH…!" shouted Artie, and he summoned forth a large paintbrush about his height when standing on his hind legs, to serve as spear.



RatherHomely: Allow me a moment to shake my head and sigh.



Artie wielded it like a skilled ninja. "Not bad for an artist."

Mysterious was no amused



GelidEnmity: He was an unamused.

Isphone: We no amused Americano.



. "Seize them, Vapourizer!"



Anon13: Go forth and EVILLY raise the ambient humidity!



he commanded, and the monsters breathed out a thick cloud of fog. "Look out!" cried Krysta,



RatherHomely: “You may have a bit more trouble driving than usual!”



and before long the whole place was coated in a fog so think everyone was lost and couldn't see where anyone or anything was. "Oh, my!" cried Brain "My spectacles are steamed up. I can't see a thing!"



chaossorcerer: Then take them off!

Mephistopheles2.0: He can't take off his glasses! He can't see a thing without his glasses!



Mysterious laughed triumphantly, until he found himself consumed in the fog. "I… can't see!" he growled.



Svensvenderson: Smooth. *facehoof*

Wild Trotter: "I knew I should've brought my anti-fog goggles!"



"It looks like you didn't think this through, Mysterious." Called Lightning "Now we're all lost in here."



Wild Trotter: You think, Captain Obvious? Or was it Captain Oblivious?



The monster, however, was the only one who didn't seem lost and was able to squirt powerful pulses of water into the fog shooting at the gang. Even Krysta got hit and was totally drenched.



T_K_17: All the monster really wants in life is to start a wet t-shirt contest.



"Pah…! Ack…! I told you I hated this kind of water!"



GelidEnmity: What kind of water? Salt, fresh, sparkling?

Svensvenderson: So the monster’s attack hit a fairy, and her reaction is that she doesn’t like that kind of water? I think a squirt gun is more effective than that!



she groaned as she tried to shake herself dry.

Rhymey could see someone through the fog and assumed it was Mysterious.

"Ah ha…!

Hoo-WHAA…!"



RatherHomely: Did Dakari really just try making shouts rhyme?



and he just missed, and a good thing he did. "Rhymey! It's me." shouted Artie.



Svensvenderson: “Damn! I mean,”



"Oh! Oh! Please forgive me, do.

I could not see to tell it was you."

"This is getting us nowhere." called Lightning as he stumbled around trying to find his way through the fog. "I say… this is most confusing!" cried Brain.



DiStort: I know! And we’re only five chapters into this thing!



Artie had an idea, and began to spin



T_K_17: right round, baby

right round

like a record, baby



and wave his spear around, using the brush like a fan to reduce the fog to a mere floor mist. "It's working!" he cried for joy, but as the lifted, he and Rhyme saw the monster gazing fright at them from his tank.



Svensvenderson: The monster has Tank?!

chaossorcerer: Rainbow Dash: Give me back my pet you poor excuse for a monster of the week!



They both gulped hard…

"Uh oh…!

Oh no…!"

The monster fired more water pulses at them which they dodged, causing the shots to miss and actually crack the walls. Lightning was very annoyed with



Svensvenderson: The fic.



all this and began to charge straight for the tank, only to be halted by Mysterious. "Going somewhere…?" he hissed.



T_K_17: Lightning: "Why, yes I am."



Mysterious: "Oh. Well don't mind me then."



Lightning growled and tried to push Mysterious aside, forgetting that he was a shadow, and couldn't be touched as easily. He passed right through him and hit the wall. "Ugh…! Why is it I always hit my head first?"



Svensvenderson: Good thing it wasn’t anything important.



Mysterious moved in to capture him. "Relax… I am certain Lord Titan will make you feel better."



Wild Trotter: Lightning: "Whatever you mean by that, I’ll be needing brain bleach afterwards."



but Krysta swooped in ands buzzed around Mysterious like a pesky insect.



RatherHomely: “Like”?



Leave him alone!" she growled.



Wild Trotter: "And don't even think of calling me "Booby Fairy" you perv!"



Mysterious growled and grunted as he tried to swat her away, which gave Lightning a chance to break away.



T_K_17: For most cartoon villains, kidnapping is usually the evil task they succeed at most. These guys can't even manage that.



Artie and Rhymey attacked Vapourizer as best they could, but their weapons passed right through him,



GelidEnmity: That’s expected of a sword.



and their other attacks didn't damage him at all.



DiStort: Plug the controller into the other port!



The monster was made of water, and that was to be expected.

"There's nothing more we can do.

Our attacks just go right through."



Svensvenderson: Quick! Use a grass type attack!

RatherHomely: Bring out the large sponge!



The monster continued to fire more water pulses, which the boys dodged,



RatherHomely: But Krysta was absolutely soaked.



and Mysterious finally managed to swat Krysta out of his way, sending her right into an open drum of water.

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE…!"



Crazy56U: She speaks for the audience, and THANK LUNA FOR THAT.

chaossorcerer: Isn’t it kinda funny, that the only purpose for Krysta is to be a buttmonkey? I remind you: She is basically the lead female.



she shouted as she spit the out the water in her mouth.

Mysterious now had lightning backed up against the wall. "Now where were we…?" he asked, "I yes, we were on our way back to Titan."

Lightning looked nervous but then grinned cheekily. "Let me get the lights first." He said and the quickly reached to his right and flicked on the main power switch, which turned the lights back on.



RatherHomely: That was not worth a one liner.



"NO…!" shouted Mysterious. Being a shadow, he hated being exposed to the light when not hiding in any shadowy corners.



DiStort: Mysterious is now a Mogwai.

RatherHomely: It’s a good thing the emergency lights were completly different from

the regular lights, right?



He decided to retreat before the room became too bright. "We'll meet again!" he promised before he vanished, and then he was gone. "One down and one to go..."



Svensvenderson: So Mysterious can be beaten with a flashlight? Good to know.

Anon13: Can’t wait for the main attack-slash-rave.



Lightning ran up to join the others, "Nothing…?" he asked.

"It's no use…" said Artie "I don't know what can stop it."

"We better do something, and fast.

Look out now, here comes another blast!" cried Rhymey, and the boys scattered out of the way.



RatherHomely: Krysta was drenched.



The monster hissed and growled, in a gurgling bubbly sound, and was preparing itself for one final washout,



RatherHomely: The hell does that mean? Is he going to prepare for the rinse cycle

afterwards?



when suddenly it began to shiver, much to the others confusion. Then, "Look…!" cried Artie, "The water… in the tank… it's freezing."

The water was slowly turning into ice, and Vaporizer was beginning to freeze up, until it was nothing but a solid frozen statue. "Lightning…!" Brain called out "Try and finish it off now!"

Lightning decided to trust him. "Rainbow Rod…Come to me!"



DiStort: He shouted, pulling out his concealed dirty magazine.



and his magical wand appeared

He began to concentrate, and the rod began to glow…

"Magic of the Rainbow,

My faith burns bright

To vanquish the evil,

…in rainbow's light!"



Crazy56U: Oh hey, the Suck Lantern oath is back! (sarcastically claps)

GelidEnmity: Oh good, that’s still working.

Chaossorcerer: Cupcakes, Past Sins, Bittersweet,

are brilliant compared with this treat.

To mock this fanfic feels so right,

let the riff being in Mike Nelson’s might!

Crazy56U: No Joel Robinson? You’ve just gathered the kindling for a flame war, my friend.

Mephistopheles2.0: Now, now friends. Comparing Mike and Joel is like comparing apples and oranges, they are both sweet and enjoyable but they are just two completely different flavors.

Svensvenderson: “Love and tolerate.”



"RAINBOW FORCE…!"

The magic flew straight at the frozen monster, melting and shattering it away, and dissolving the evil magic…

WHAAAOM!

WHAAAOM!



GelidEnmity: The sound effects guy had to resort to using his mouth.



The monster was gone. The power and systems were reenergized. The water was flowing normally again, and the other unicorns who were attacked were waking up after a long rest.



Svensvenderson: “Dude, what did I drink?”



The best part of all- since Mysterious had left, the dark clouds lifted, and it was raining normally again outside, without much scary activity.



T_K_17: Not much scary activity. Just a couple of serial killers here and there. No big deal.



That's when Brain came towards the others, "Oh! That was a stupendous performance, Lightning. Bang on!" he complimented.



GelidEnmity: “I will, Brain!”



"But… what happened?" asked Lightning.



RatherHomely: I have a feeling we’re going to be asking that question a lot.



Brain explained that after the fog lifted away, and his glasses became clear so he could see what he was doing. He noticed the intake tanks where the monster was sitting had temperature controls, and he found the console, and turned the temperature below freezing. This way, the monster would freeze, be weakened, unable to move, and have a solid surface to strike.

"Brain… you're a genius, said Artie.



Svensvenderson: Comparatively speaking.



And you saved all of us…" added Rhymey.



RatherHomely: By the great beard of Zeus! There was no rhyme!



Brain bowed thankfully. "Thank you, gentlemen…"

"Uh… excuse me?" called Krysta "But would someone mind helping me out of here!" She kept trying and trying to escape the water drum, but even her wings were so drenched, from being dipped in that much water, they didn't work.

The boys couldn't help but laugh.



RatherHomely: Other people’s misfortunes make everything better!

SelfMarth17: Oh those women and their estrogen! HA HA HA.

Anon13: Mykan, is that you? … Wait, it can’t be, ‘estrogen’ implies book smarts.

Svensvenderson: And he didn’t use an ellipsis.



…

"Well, Mysterious…" said Titan "It looks as if your plan to capture Lightning failed after all."



DiStort: “I’d mock you more, but I feel as though that would be hypocritical.”

RatherHomely: “At least it was better than that rock.”



"Poor Mysterious…" Rep-Stallion mocked.

"Guess you got all wet and washed out."



GelidENmity: That is expected of water. (It is water... right?)



added Dementia, but Mysterious just stood there and growled furiously. It was such an insult enough that he had failed to capture Lightning, but to be mocked by his colleagues made it worse.

"However…" Titan said "You have fulfilled part of your promise." He was waving his hands over a giant energy ball he had conjured from the energy of the water, and the magic of the unicorns Mysterious had knocked out. All that increased his power a great deal, "Hmm, mm, mm…! This brings me one step closer



T_K_17: ♫ to the edge. AND I'M ABOUT TO BREAK! ♫

Svensvenderson: Only 3,589 steps to go!

Anon13: The journey of a thousand idiocies begins with a single step.



to the day when I shall strike the unicorns again without fear of the uniforce. Well done, Mysterious."

Mysterious bowed, "Thank you, my lord." And he cast a cheeky stare at the others, making them insulted now.

…

The rain was starting to die down. Obviously The Grand Ruler was busy clearing the skies after a good long day of showers.



RatherHomely: Obviously.

DiStort: He drank quite a lot of beer before-hand.

Anon13: Oh, so the winged ponies control the clouds? Whoa, never saw that before!



Brain Artie and Rhymey were stopping by Lightning's place in White Village.



Svensvenderson: They heard there was a Castle there.



They were about to knock on the door when they heard the sound a tiny little sneeze…

"YEE… YEE… YAH-SHOO…!"



RatherHomely: That isn’t a sneeze, that’s some cultist chant.



And then another…

"AH-CHOO…!"



Anon13: Careful, I think that’s a “Yo Mama” dis in Mandarin.



The second sneeze shook the roof a bit, causing a few puddles up on top to splash the others below. The door was open, and there was Penny looking after poor little Krysta, who had caught a small cold form being drenched too much.



Svensvenderson: I see what you did there.



"I must say… I've never had a fairy for a patient before." She giggled.

Poor little Krysta sniffed hard. Her poor little nose was all red and clogged, and she was shivering even while in her little bed moved near the fireplace.



RatherHomely: Why does Penny have a little bed if she’s never had a fairy patient

before?



Rhymey came over to see how Krysta as feeling and hoped she'd get well soon.

"Tank you… Rhybey…" Krysta said with her nose still stuffed.

And Artie came over to show Krysta a painting he made just for her, as a bit of a joke, but also because she inspired him.



Svensvenderson: The use of real blood terrified everypony.



He pulled down the cloth to reveal a painting of what he called "Fairy in the Rain."



RatherHomely: What’s it a picture of?

T_K_17: It’s a painting of a fairy drowning in a torrential flood.



Artie: "I made this drawing to convey the inevitability of death, especially in fairies."



Everyone else couldn't help but giggle at the joke, but Krysta didn't think it was funny.



DiStort: Luckily, no one cares about her opinion.



"Oh! Take dat away!" she groaned. "Just looking at all dat water is enough to make me…? Me… me… ma… MA-AH-CHOO…! Sneeze!"



GelidEnmity: Oh my god... I JUST SNEEZED. This fic is eeeevil...



The others held in the urge to giggle.



SelfMarth17: "Oh, someone's sick and might die. That's hilarious!"



For a tiny fairy, Krysta sure had a lot of air in her.



RatherHomely: Hot air?



"By the way, Brain… How did your experiments go?"

Brain explained that he was certain that he had perfected the radar.



Svensvenderson: And we’ll never see such a handy plot device again.



Now it was water proof and would stand up to most impacts, or extreme temperatures. "Are you sure of that…?" asked Lightning.

"Oh, quite certain... quite." answered Brain, but when Krysta sneezed again, "AH-AAAAHH…CHOO…!" Her sneeze was so strong it nearly shook the whole house, and the radar exploded right in brains face.



Svensvenderson: Told you.



He really looked silly with all that soot in his face, his mane messed up, and his glasses dangling on one side of his head.



RatherHomely: And his dreams shattered.



"Well…" he muttered, "Now who's a fool?"

The others, even Krysta, couldn't help but laugh.

…

(In the skies, the Grand Ruler is making the last of the rainclouds vanish)



RatherHomely: Nice trick. Now make this story disappear.



Grand Ruler: "Most creatures, like Krysta, don't like the rain, but others do. The important thing is to be well-prepared for a rainy-day, whethber you have to stay inside or go out."



chaossorcerer: (points at the text) This is really supposed to sound better than a friendship report? Soem guy telling a brain damaged child to go out with an umbrella when it rains?

Anon13: The "brain damaged" part, yes... they say write what you know.



"A little rain never hurt anyone,



RatherHomely: “Except for the massacre of ‘76, but we don’t talk about that.”



but it is a good idea not to get soaked and remain that way. Sometimes you may end up with more than a cold like Krysta has, but the rain is very helpful to many plants, many animals, and it even does it's best to help make your world wetter,



Svensvenderson: *snicker*



and better."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"

(Flies away into the night)



GelidEnmity: THIS IS NOT SOME STUPID CHATROOM. (Punches screen in anger)

Crazy56U: That poor monitor.

GelidEnmity: What did you say? There’s a crack where your riff is...

DiStort: Still planning on staying sober, Crazy?

Crazy56U: Right now, my hangover is counteracting the pain this fanfic is giving me. (sniff) I’ll be fine... for now.



EPISODE SIX



Anon13: Can we take a moment here to heap praise on Lauren Faust that FiM doesn’t look the tiniest bit like this pile of crap?

Wild Trotter: Sure, why not?

Svensvenderson: Ms. Faust, thank you for not making FiM even remotely close to this poor excuse of fiction.

Wild Trotter: And thank you for making genuinely memorable characters, unlike those bland clones.

Anon13: And thank you for stories that are actually watchable and sensible.

Wild Trotter: Anything else we can be thankful to her about? I’d love to hear it. Oh wait, can’t forget the one-scene-wonder characters.

Anon13: That’s more the animators, really. But... thank you FiM animators, for giving a damn about making it look good.

DiStort: To all of the FiM team, thank you for not being massive, braindead tools. All of my love and praise.



In Titan's domain, Titan had come up with a plan of his own to capture Lightning, and it didn't even involve having to make a monster or even catch Lightning himself.



Svensvenderson: Let’s see how Titan will fail this time!



The minions were very confused.



Svensvenderson: So, business as usual then?



"I do not understand, Master." said Mysterious "Yeah, how exactly will we be able to capture Lightning then?" added Rep-Stallion.

Titan explained they would give Lightning a reason to want to come to them. "We're going to force him into surrender, and we only need one simple thing to do that." He was viewing an image of Krysta. "Heh, heh, heh…!"



T_K_17: Their plan to kidnap Lightning is to kidnap someone else. Genius.



The minions began to catch on.



Crazy56U: If they truly were catching on, they would turn around and leave before the fan-fic gets worse.

Wild Trotter: Considering that they won’t have a chance in hell of winning...

DiStort: Maybe Titan gives them good benefits? Like dental and stuff?

…

Just another day in Unicornicopica,



Crazy56U: … ...well, to be fair, the name is a lot better than what they originally called this land. I’d say it... but it was incredibly racist.



and Lightning and Krysta had gone back to the Library to catch up on their studying and research.



Svensvenderson: Of what?!

Wild Trotter: Krysta’s little chest problem? *snickers*

For the Plot: You mean, "Krysta's BIG chest problem"!



Krysta looked pretty depressed about something as she looked through many, many books. "You are troubled, Krysta?" asked Inquerius "Is there nothing I can do to help you find what you seek?"

Krysta simply smiled and said, "It's alright…" she said and then she flew off to search for another book.

Inquerius could still feel Krysta's sadness and decided to ask



Svensvenderson: YOU DON’T SAY?



Lightning about it. He was over at a table with most of his friends,



Svensvenderson: And Zoidberg.

DiStort: In this case, I would much rather see Zoidberg than any of these nitwits.



Buddy Rose, Artie, Rhymey, even Starla was with them, and when Inquerius asked her question, the others were all eager to know as well.

Lighting hesitated for a moment and then finally told them, "Krysta travels with me because she's lost."



DiStort: Really? I just assumed you owed her a new bike or something.



"Lost…?" asked Buddy.

"Being is very bad.



Svensvenderson: Rhymey is a nihilist?



It's no wonder Krysta always looks sad." added Rhymey.

Lightning began to explain more thoroughly, for he too was once lost!

*Lightning's POV*



Mephistopheles2.0: Not that this story doesn't already break the cardinal sins of writing, but you're just putting shit flowers on your shit cake with this sort of stuff.



A long, time ago, before I came to Unicornicopia. I was just an orphaned colt.

I was born in a different dimension, but I don't remember where exactly anymore because it had been so long.



Anon13: What, you don’t remember your own birth? What a dumbass.



My home was attacked by evil forces, not like Titan's at all.



Anon13: Critics?

DiStort: Rational people?



My parents were killed, and everything else was totally demolished. I was the only survivor. The only thing I ever remember clearly was seeing the face of the leading creature- A dark serpent-like monster with fangs, razor-sharp fins, and red burning eyes.



Wild Trotter: Steven Magnet's evil twin? That's a shocker.



Then he was gone, and I was alone, and forced to wander the dimensions, scavenging for whatever I could find, and hopefully search for a new home, but I found no such place. Everywhere I went I was unaccepted because I couldn't do magic, or just couldn't fit in well enough,



Wild Trotter: Or maybe because you were too bland. Oh, wait, you still are.

Svensvenderson: Either that, or they could tell he was a Mary Sue.

Wild Trotter: That, too. Either way, at least those rejecting him were justified.



so I struck out on my own again. Some were ever acting nervous of me because of my golden horn.



Wild Trotter: Which begs the question: Why should they fear you if your golden horn pretty much makes you do jack squat?

Svensvenderson: Because gold is a good conductor, and they were worried about lightning? Yeah, I got nothing.

DiStort: Holy Celestia, Sven. I think you just stumbled onto some unintentional fridge brilliance.



Sometime later, I was in a forest snacking on some fruit, when suddenly I heard the sound of a tiny little scream. "HELP ME…! HELP ME..!"



Wild Trotter: "Somebody get me outta this fanfic!"



I followed the sound of the scream, and I saw a tiny little girl trapped in a spider-web and about to be devoured by a huge spider. I acted fast and



T_K_17: ate her first.



crushed the brute with a stone, and then I tore up the web, releasing the girl and noticed she had wings, and before the girl could overdramatically thank me,



Svensvenderson: She’s not the right scale for a proper “thanking.”



she noticed, "You're a unicorn!"

"And you're a fairy." I added.



Anon13: Together, they fight crime!



We both had heard of each other's species, but never before dreamed we'd actually see one another. I told the fairy that I was lost and if she knew where the nearest village was, but to my dismay, she was lost too. All she knew was her name was Krysta, but she couldn't remember where she came from, what her home dimension was, or ever where it was, or even what her true purpose as a fairy was.



Wild Trotter: Or even why her boobs tended to blimp up on her randomly.



We were both alike in many ways, and both were lost together



T_K_17: "and we both loved stating the obvious."



, but it was clear that day I made a friend.



Svensvenderson: “I’m gonna love him and hug him and call him George!”

Wild Trotter: Who’s doing the hugging, though?



Krysta and I wandered the dimensions together,



DiStort: We’re totally never going to get an explanation of how he can do that, aren’t we?



hoping to find more about her past, and a home for me, but one day… we were crossing onto the turfs of a gang of Dog-Woods, and other swamp creatures. There was nothing I could do since I couldn't do magic, and Krysta's fairy dust wasn't enough either. We both felt we were in for it, until… he came!



Anon13: Then he groaned, rolled over, and fell asleep, and we were able to sneak out.

For the Plot: . . . (walks out)



The Tri-horned Alicorn- the Grand Ruler, and all this time we believed him to be a myth.

We watched has his used his powerful magic and skills to drive off the monsters.



Wild Trotter: By making them realize how awful this fanfic really is, with one of them even shouting "Screw this story, I'm outta here!" as he left.

Svensvenderson: He measured them to death!

Wild Trotter: Oh, that’s brutal.



Then he turned to face us. He could see that Krysta and I were hopelessly lost and in needed help. He also seemed curious about my golden horn. That's when he brought us to his home in Golden-Palace, in another dimension, high above Unicornicopia.

He could sense that I very special, despite not having any magic, or lack of belief and faith. So he offered to make me his apprentice.



DiStort: I remember he told me: “You’ve got nothing to lose and I’ve got a surplus of time to waste. Let’s do this.”



"Give me a chance. I may be able to help you, and your little friend piece together what you've lost, and what you've been searching for. Just believe in me."



Anon13: Drink the Kool-Aid!



*Back to Present*

Since then, Lightning and Krysta had always been inseparable. "I made a promise that I'd help her find her home and I'm going to keep it."

The others thought that was a very sad, yet sweet story,



Wild Trotter: We readers, on the other hand, are well beyond maintaining our suspension of disbelief at this point... not that we had much when we started reading this fic.



"But isn't there anything we can do for Krysta?" asked Starla.



DiStort: A fly-swatter usually works.



Nobody had a clue. There were hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of different dimensions outside of their own.

"To search them all, there's just no way,

We should just keep hoping, that's what I say." said Rhymey



Wild Trotter: And then, Rhymey gets pelted by an off-screen brick.



"I just hope she's okay." said Artie.

Lightning did to.

…

Krysta was sitting outside on a window ledge. She felt she had searched every book on worlds, locations, and histories, even all the books on fairies she could find,



Svensvenderson: Both of them.



but no information that could tell her what she needed to know.

She wasn't really trying to complain or make others pity her, but sometimes she did feel out of place, being the only fairy in a world of unicorns.



DiStort: I dunno. In her position I think I’d be feeling a strong sense of superiority.



Sometimes not knowing where she came from really got to her.

She felt like singing her blues away…

(In the style of "Barney and Friends": Oh What a Day)



Crazy56U: OK. If you decide to base a song in your not-FIM fan-fic off of a Barney song, that is a sign that said song shouldn’t be.

GelidEnmity:

Chaossorcerer: Let`s sing all our own song. How about this:

The fire of mocking burns in our heart,

as long as you write,

we will riff you apart...



Sometimes I feel sad and blue

I don't what I can do.

Where exactly am I from?



How I wish I really knew,



But I don't have a single clue

That's why I feel glum.

I don't mean to sit and moan

I like it here, it's always been shown

With friends whom I both love and care

But sometimes I feel out of place

And I just stare off into space

Wondering if my home's out there

Someday I know I'll find it.

I really would not mind it

To know where my kind, they do roam

So for now I'll stay right here

With all the friends whom I hold dear,

Far from my own… home.



Wild Trotter: I know I’m glad not to hear the song, but still, why are those songs even there?

Mephistopheles2.0: There is something horribly disturbing about a 25 + year old man using children's show songs in his fanfiction. I feel dirty.



Krysta sighed softly, but then something bright caught her eye. A small glowing ball of light floated softly around here, and said to her, "Do you wish to seek your true roots? Do you wish to know the answers you seek…?"

"Y…Y…Yes… I do." answered Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “Anything to get rid of that booby fairy label is fine with me.”



"Then follow the orb of light,



Svensvenderson: The sun?

Wild Trotter: The moon?

DiStort: The stars?

Anon13: I sincerely hope they don’t wind up building a religion around some random streetlamp. Actually, wait, that might be better than this story...



and you will find what you seek." With that, the ball of light began to fly away. Krysta couldn't but feel that voiced sounded so familiar, but did it really know how to help her find her home? Krysta couldn't' pass up this chance, and followed the ball.



Svensvenderson: That’d be the Idiot Ball, for those playing the home game.

Wild Trotter: I guess booby fairies sacrificed their intelligence for... well, you know.

chaossorcerer: I know what the lesson of the day will be: Don`t follow strangers!



Pretty soon, the others had finished their reading, and most of the others left to get back to work and home. Lightning and Krysta put their books back and looked round, "Krysta…?"

No response!

"Krysta…?"

No response!

"Where is she?" asked Starla



GelidEnmity: No response!

Svensvenderson: Oh darn.



Then the alarms went off warning the kingdom that there was danger lurking about. "Lightning and Starla gazed at each other in shock, hoping Krysta wasn't involved.



Wild Trotter: Or rather, her wildly-fluctuating bust size.



The announcement warned everyone that the danger was coming from Big Brown Canyon, and everyone was to head for shelter immediately. "Let's go!" snapped Lightning, and he and Starla ran off.



Svensvenderson: “We have another idiot plan by Titan to foil!”



…

Big Brown Canyon



DiStort: There’s a painfully obvious joke here, but I choose not to make it.



was a rocky terrain, with caves, mines, and everyone lived in stone houses and cabins. Starla and Lightning couldn't see any danger as they flew overhead. So they headed down for a closer look.

"Look at all these caves and mines." said Lightning. Both he and Starla assumed the danger had to be inside, as Titan and his minions liked dark places.



chaossorcerer: Like the brainchamber of the author. Very dark and lots of space.



Suddenly, Starla noticed something by her front hooves. "What's this…?"

It looked like a small map, and recently drawn, it also read…

"If you ever want to see to see your little friend again, enter the mine near where you found this map then follow its directions."



DiStort: Seems legit.

Wild Trotter: Most definitely not a trap if I ever saw one.



Lightning's anger began to show.



Svensvenderson: You don’t want to make Lightning angry.



"Krysta!" he shouted as he ran straight into the mine. "Lightning, wait…!" called Starla, but then she heard a small crashing sound. Lightning came back out rubbing his head.



Svensvenderson: Good thing it wasn’t anyth-, wait, I already made that joke.



"It's dark in there." he simply said.

Starla nodded as she handed him a miner's hat from the shelves near the entrance, and put on one herself. They also grabbed a couple of flashlights and lanterns. Then they went inside.

The walls were dripping with water, and the sounds of the splashes echoed along the walls.



DiStort: I pray that they just walked into a dragon’s throat or something.



It was hard to see, even with the lights. "Starla, are you sure we're going the right way?"

"We should be…" answered Starla.

Down, down they went, through large tunnels, and down narrow paths. They didn't even notice that two pairs of eyes were watching them through the shadows.



Svensvenderson: *DUN DUN DUNNN!*



Suddenly, they could see a light up ahead at the end of the tunnel, and they could hear voices. "Let's go…!" whispered Lightning.

Krysta was being held in a cage with crisscrossed bars so she couldn't try to slip out.



Wild Trotter: Even if she could, her now-oversized boobs would get in the way.



She was being guarded by all of Titan's minions who kept teasing at her and shaking her cage, Dementia even criticised the way Krysta's hair was, and the way she was dressed.



DiStort: THE FIENDS.

Wild Trotter: Rep-Stallion even made fun of her random spurts of... blossoming.



"Too bad I can't say the same about you." Krysta grouched. "Ick..!"

Dementia looked as if she was going to explode. "What… did you just… SAY TO ME?"



Wild Trotter: “Still, at least I’m not a booby fairy like you are! Eat THAT!”



She looked ready to blow the cage to pieces and Krysta with it. "Leave her alone!" shouted a voice. The minions turned and saw at the entrance of the chamber. "Lightning…! Starla!" cried Krysta.

"STAR SHOWER…!" Starla shouted as she sent her stars to chase away the minions, but as Lightning tried to make a break for Krysta's cage, when it levitated up higher. "Krysta…!" cried Lightning.

"Help me!" his friend shrieked. Then… there was more danger as he appeared before everyone, holding the cage in his ghastly hand. "Titan…!"

"Oh… is this yours." the evil sorcerer teased.

Lightning had a look of furry on his face.



GelidEnmity: “Yiff” he says, smirking with a wild gleam in his eyes as his hand slowly crept down to his--

Wild Trotter: Must... scrub... brain! (tries to pour bleach into his ears)

Svensvenderson: Brain Bleach, my friend, Brain Bleach.

DiStort: This is why I invested in a brain washing machine.



"Give her back!" he snarled

"My! Such a foul temper." hissed Titan "There is so much more to you than meets the eye,



Svensvenderson: No, don’t ruin Transformers too!

chaossorcerer: He couldn`t make it worse than Bay.



Lightning Dawn. I like that in a creature. So I tell you what… All you have to do is let me take your powers, and I'll let your little friend go free."



Wild Trotter: “I’ll even... enhance her figure in addition to her freedom.”



As if Lightning didn't see that coming, and Krysta begged Lightning not to do it. "Don't worry about me… just don't let him get your power." Even Starla, who was now being held hostage



T_K_17: Of course she was. She's a woman.

Anon13: Mykan’s issues strike again.



by the minions begged Lightning not to do it.

Lightning, however, wasn't so sure. He knew if he gave Titan what he wanted then Titan would become even stronger than ever, and the kingdom would be at risk all because of him. The worst part was that he couldn't summon the Rainbow Rod, because it wouldn't reach him in time.



Svensvenderson: You mean the one that appears instantly?



Titan would strike Krysta instantly if he tried.



Wild Trotter: You got the upper hand, Titan. Why not strike them all now?

Svensvenderson: Because that would be too easy.

DiStort: He took the time to read the entire evil villain handbook, and by Celestia he is going to follow it!



"The choice is yours…" hissed Titan as he reached through the pairs with his finger glowing softly, and ready to really hurt the helpless fairy. Poor Krysta was whimpering in fear.



Wild Trotter: And her boobs fwoomping up akin to a frightened puffer fish.



Lightning felt a small tear of worry for his friend fall from his eye. "ALL RIGHT…!" he shouted. His voice echoed throughout the mine. "…I'll do it. Just let my friends go."



Wild Trotter: “All because the plot said so.”

Svensvenderson: I can’t possibly see how this could go wrong.



Krysta and Starla were shocked and speechless, but Titan was pleased. "Hm, mm, mm…! Good lad. I knew you'd see reason." He then released Krysta from her cage, and trapped Lightning in a bubble. "No! No!" cried Krysta

"Lightning…!" shrieked Starla, but there was still nothing that she or Krysta could do. "They do not need to see this." Said Titan "Show them out, Minions..."

The minions bowed and began to drag Starla and Krysta away. "Come on…!"

"Get moving!"

That's when Titan gazed at Lightning inside the bubble. "Finally… the key ingredients that I seek shall be mine."



chaossorcerer: Titan: Now I am able to make Krabby Patties all for myself!



He snickered as his hands began to glow, and began to absorb the magic. Poor Lightning could feel his energy starting to drain.



Wild Trotter: His uninteresting life flashing before his eyes, all the while.



When suddenly- KA-BOOM! A great explosion blasted through the wall near where Titan was standing, causing him to lose concentration, and the bubble magic wore off, setting Lightning. He felt pretty drowsy though after losing even a small fraction of his energy.

"Who did that?" snarled Titan.



Svensvenderson: Deus ex machina, anyone?



That's when a tannish-brown unicorn, poked his head through the smoke, and spoke in a Spanish accent. "You there…" he thundered at Titan "You're a bad man, you are. No Me Gusta, I don't like you."



Chaossorcerer: Oh god! Mexican stereotype pony!

GelidEnmity: “Si, me want to have a taco now, and sing songs in Spanish--AREEEBA!!!”

Crazy56U: Every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom with this fan-fic, someone hits me with a shovel.



Titan's eyes glowed with anger. "You dare say such things at me…?"



Wild Trotter: “Eat magic missiles, you horrible excuse-for-a-stereotype!”



he looked ready to blast the living daylights out of the unicorn, when suddenly he ducked down, and then quickly poked his head through another opening. "Hola, Señor! You are looking for me…?"

Even Lightning, in his slight weakened condition was just as baffled. Titan continued to blast as the walls, but every time he caught the unicorn in his sights, he popped up somewhere else.



Svensvenderson: So this unicorn’s special talent is being the mole in ‘Whack a Mole’?

DiStort: I wonder if his serial number is a racist joke, too.



This was causing Titan to miss and hit the walls of the mine, which not good!



Anon13: Wall hit not good! Tarzan know!



"Enough of this!" snarled Titan and he fired a humongous blast at the wall, collapsing it into a pile of rubble and revealed to his and Lightning's surprise, there were in fact two identical unicorns.

"Dyno..!" said one to the other, "I think we are busted."

"Si…! I agree with you, Myte." said the other.



GelidEnmity: Is that his name, or some sort of insult?

DiStort: Both, probably.

T_K_17: Oh god he's adapted those stupid Mexican twins from Teen Titans.



Titan growled angrier than before. "You dare to deceive the all mighty Titan with such games?" he roared. "I'll teach you both some respect!"



Wild Trotter: “Respect that this story deprived me of! Ugh, now I need a drink.”



HE was about to blast them both hard, when suddenly, both Krysta and Starla came charging back into the chamber. "STAR SHOWER…!"

"Blargh…!" groaned Titan as Starla's attack hit him, although he didn't really get hurt.



Svensvenderson: They why the groan...?

Wild Trotter: I guess he forgot the painkillers, today.



When Titan asked what happened to his minions. "They just got too cocky." snapped Krysta "They assumed you'd be fine and just left after they escorted us out."



Wild Trotter: “Either that, or they left to get drunk.”



Titan was most annoyed, but suddenly the whole mine began to rumble and shake as rocks began to fall from the ceilings. All of Titan's blasts and the explosion made earlier by the twins had weakened the supports, and the ceiling was caving in.



T_K_17: Rather than wait nicely for everyone to get out, the mine collapsed entirely and everyone inside died a slow, claustrophobic death.



"We've got to get out of here!" cried Starla but Titan was not going to leave without Lightning, and picked him up while he was still on the ground all woozy and weak. "No!" cried Krysta.

"Yes!" snarled Titan "It was fun while it lasted, but now I think I'll claim my prize and leave you all to be forever entombed in this mine.

"Think again… Titan…!" Lightning said.

"What…?"



Wild Trotter: “Oh, come on! Enough already!”



Lightning was beginning to find his strength again, and gazed at the evil sorcerer ferociously



T_K_17: With furry in his eyes.



, and managed to slip from his grasp. "You never quit, do you?" he asked Lightning.

Lightning's anger grew more and more intense. "You bet I never quit." He said "I'd never let you harm my friends,



Wild Trotter: “OR touch my pneumatic fairy friend’s assets... Whoops! Did I just say that out loud?”



and you may have weakened me a little, but you haven't stopped my determination… my willpower… MY BELIEVING…!"



Crazy56U: “MY SUCKINESS!”



That's when his golden horn glowed, and his body was illuminated in that golden light again.

"Look…!" cried Krysta.

"He's doing it again!" added Starla.

The twin unicorns gazed in awe. "Aye Carumba!" they both said.



Crazy56U: And thus they were sued by Bart Simpson.



"No!" roared Titan. "I won't let you get me this time. The power shall be mine!" he reached out to grab Lightning, but he received a horrible shock upon touching him. "ARGH…!"

Lightning, then recited the magic spell…

"Magic is believing…

Believing is right

I summon the magic,

In this mystical light…!"

Titan got up from being knocked down and Lightning fired the "…UNIFORCE!"

WHAMM! "AA-AAA-AAAAAAHH…!" Titan was hit hard as he was forced backwards and slammed hard into a wall. This caused the supports to grow weaker and the mine began to collapse even harder and faster.



Wild Trotter: And then rocks fell and everyone died. The end!

Svensvenderson: ♫ Harder, better, faster, stronger. ♫



Though Titan got hit and was weakened slightly; he still had more enough strength to escape. "I'll get you for this,



Svensvenderson: Gadget!

DiStort: MRREOW.



Lightning Dawn!" he shouted. "Mark my words!" then he vanished and was gone.

Lighting stopped glowing, and felt really tucked out now, but now was not the time to rest. The whole mine was breaking up. "We'll never reach the exit in time." cried Stala

"You follow us…!" called one of the twins. "We know a way! Hurry!"



T_K_17: "¡Ándele! ¡Ándele! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!"



shouted the other. Heading the twins' word, the gang followed them down a secret tunnel and made it out safely through another entranceway.

"That was a close one." Said one of the twins

"Si…! But at least we are all safe." said the other.

The only exception was Lightning, who seemed really exhausted, and just collapsed into a deep sleep right then and there.



DiStort: Do the universe a favor and stay in that coma.



…

Titan was relaxing on his throne to help him recover from being hit by the uniforce.



chaossorcerer: Drinking a Martini and watching Care Bears, cause he was a fan of No Heart.



His minions were ever so sorry and wouldn't stop apologizing, even though it wasn't entirely all their fault.

"It was well worth it." Titan simply said

The minions were most confused and shocked. "But master…!" said Dementia, "You could have been severely weakened, or even destroyed!"

Titan laughed hard and wickedly. "Nonsense…! It make no difference to me that I was attacked, that weakling could never dream of defeating me… and at least I managed to ensnare a little of his energy." He held up a small orb with the energy inside which would prove very useful for him. "Perhaps it was all worth the while after tall."

The rest was drowned out with everyone laughing maliciously.



Wild Trotter: Titan: “Another round of alcohol on me, everyone!”



…

Lightning woke up to find he was in one of the houses, with a warm fire roaring in the fireplace. Krysta and Starla were safe, and it was all thanks to their new friends.

"Glad to see you are alright, amigo." said one of the twins.



Svensvenderson: Great, now Mykan’s going to throw in the Spanish he learned from Dora the Explorer.

Wild Trotter: What else will he throw in next, I wonder.



"You gave us all quite a scare back in the mine." said the other.

That's when Lightning remembered everything that happened, including how he summoned the uniforce a second time, because he believed in himself and was determined to save everyone. Perhaps that was the key to how it worked…? He would have to study some more.



Wild Trotter: No doubt said studying will involve getting drunk. On a more serious note, just what exactly is Lightning believing in to get his magic working? I know I should’ve asked this earlier, but seriously, what the hell?

Anon13: His extreme Mary-Sue-ness and the author’s anti-talent.



The two twins introduced themselves and Dyno- code-number IW8K, and his brother, Myte-JX9L.



DiStort: Nope, no racist jokes. Shame.

T_K_17: You were hoping for T4C0 and 5P1C?



They were the chief mining engineers of Big Brown Canyon, and were quite handy with mining tools, preferably explosives.



DiStort: These two would be much more entertaining if they were both Scottish and perpetually drunk.

Wild Trotter: Quake does brown better, fanfic.



"So it was you two who gave Titan all that trouble and saved Me." said Lightning. The twins nodded and explained they didn't like it when others intruded into their mines and used them for no good, especially Titan. "He ever show his face again…"

"…we blast him good."



Wild Trotter: Why not blow his domain to oblivion, already?



The gang began to wonder if the twins were okay as they seemed a little Looney,



Svensvenderson: Perfect, now I’m going to wonder if that’s a reference to Looney Tunes.

Wild Trotter: Or Monty Python, perhaps.



but still, they were grateful for all they had done.

…

Later that day, Lighting, Starla, and Krysta all headed home, and Krysta explained how she ended up being caught by Titan, after he tricked her. "I guess I was just so caught up trying to find my home, I never thought of what I was really getting into." She was blaming herself very badly, and now Titan had succeeded in taking a bit of Lightning's energy. "You shouldn't have given in like that."

"But what about you…?" asked Lightning.

"Huh…?"

Lightning explained he couldn't stand to see Titan harm her. If anything happened to Krysta, he'd never forgive himself. "Krysta… you're the best friend I've ever had, and I don't know what I'd do without you."



Wild Trotter: “I also kinda liked your funba-” (gets slapped) “I deserved that.”



Krysta blushed shyly, and she pecked Lightning's check. The two friends were happy to be safe and well.



T_K_17: And then they fucked.



…

(In The Grand Ruler's palace)

Grand ruler:



GelidEnmity: “I hope you measure up to my expectations!”



"Lightning really took a chance today to save Krysta, even though he was warned not to, and was fully aware himself of the possibilities of the consequences if Titan had taken more of his energy. Still, it can't be ignored why he did… he was trying to help a friend in need."



Crazy56U: “Of course, I don’t know this from experience; I read the script while on a pot break.”



"There are many ways to help your friends or people you know. Even helping to do very small tasks can be truly helpful to that someone, and it shows that you care, and that person would probably always do the same for you. So help out once in a while, and you'll always make a difference."



Anon13: For instance, if someone’s about to write a crappy fanfic--STOP HIM OH GOD STOP HIM NOW!



"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"



DiStort: I think we could use a little less believing.



EPISODE SEVEN

Lightning and Krysta had gone to Cookie dough's for breakfast, as it was flapjack day, and Cookie Dough made the best flapjacks there were. Lightning ordered a big stack for himself and Krysta, heavy on the syrup.

After just one bite of those warm fluffy flapjacks, Lightning and Krysta, as well as the other customers all felt lighter than are and warm inside.



Wild Trotter: Unfounately, Krysta’s funbags lifted her towards the ceiling this time around.



"Every time…" Cookie Dough chuckled "How do I do it?"



Svensvenderson: “Water, with just a hint of LSD.”



As everyone ate through breakfast, Abra Kadabra entered the restaurant, much to everyone's



Svensvenderson: Dismay.



astonish.



GelidEnmity: Sorry, the ‘ment’ decided he didn’t want to be a part of this fic.

DiStort: Can’t blame him. When all of the other words and phrases were at the casting call, he made the right choice and stayed home that day.



"Abra Kadabra, yes!"



Anon13: He says his name before speaking? He’s a Pokemon?!?



he chuckled. A few of the customers asked for his autograph, which he was only too obliged to give.

He passed by Lightning and Krysta. "What's a big-shot like you doing here?" asked Lightning.

Abra felt that was a silly question, "Why…because I'm hungry, even a magician needs to eat."



Svensvenderson: So he does obey the laws of thermodynamics!



He found a table opposite form Lightning and Krysta's but Cookie Dough informed him that the table hadn't been set yet. "I see…" said Abra "Well… I think I can take care of that." He put down his bag and clapped his front hooves together, which captured everyone's attention.

Everyone watched as Abra began to perform tricks and the slight of hove… pulling a tablecloth out from his hat which everyone saw was completely empty. He waved his cape over the table making a dish appear. He held out one of his hooves, and then he waved his other hove across it, making eating utensils appear. Finally, he made it seem as if he had pulled a napkin form his mouth, and then placing it flat on the table, he lifted it up revealing a flower in a pot of water.

Everyone applauded, and Abra took a bow. Cookie Dough brought him a serving of flapjacks and promised him it would be on the house for such a performance. "Well, I was hoping you would." said Abra "I don't have any money to give you in any case."

"What…?" snapped Cookie Dough.



GelidEnmity: You can’t snap cookie dough! It’s too viscous.



Lightning and Krysta were just as shocked.

Abra explained that he had fallen on hard times since Titan had returned, and he had a hard time finding work. All the parties he had ever been invited to perform at were always spoiled by an attack on the kingdom, forcing everyone to evacuate. He didn't do a show, so he didn't get paid.



Svensvenderson: That’s usually how it works.



Even at his own performances in the streets, people threw



Svensvenderson: Rocks.



him flowers more than they threw him money, and those who wanted Abra's autograph, he just didn't have the heart to ask for money. That was his problem; Abra was as kind and merciful as The Grand Ruler.



Wild Trotter: Trixie would have many words with Abra on ripping her off.



"Well, can't use just use your magic and make yourself more money?" asked Krysta

"Uh… Krysta… I don't think it works that way." said Lightning.



Wild Trotter: “That would be too easy, otherwise. We must drag this out.”

Anon13: Remember, Padding is Magic!



"Indeed, it doesn't."



Svensvenderson: Because...?



sighed Abra as he picked at his breakfast. His real magic as a unicorn was for quick wits, and smarts. Not battle or conjuring.



DiStort: Wow. He fails harder at being a unicorn than Lightning. That takes some kind of talent.

T_K_17: For a race of warriors, there sure are a lot of unicorns with no combat ability.



"Oh! What am I going to do?" he wondered aloud.

The only thing anyone could figure was perhaps for Abra to get a second job. "Say, Cookie Dough. Weren't you looking for help in the kitchen?"



Wild Trotter: A magician helping out in the kitchen? What could possibly go wrong?

Svensvenderson: They’re on a collision course with wackiness!



Cookie Dough caught on and agreed to let Abra have a try. "Oh, I don't wish to be a bother." said Abra.

"Not at all…" replied Cookie Dough "I'd be happy to give you a chance."



DiStort: “But mess up, and you’ll be a cupcake faster than you can say ‘Epic Failure.’”



Abra smiled.



GelidEnmity: That name is one re-lettering away from me making a racist joke.

Svensvenderson: ABBA is racist?

…

Titan was very, very busy working on a special project, and charged his minions with



Svensvenderson: Gross incompetence.



gathering more energy, or capturing Lightning, and the minions were all arguing over who should go.

Ultimately they were forced to draw straws, and Dementia won.



Svensvenderson: Her drawing was the most lifelike.



"I'm not only beautiful, I'm just lucky." she teased. The others were not amused. "Whatever your plan is… just make sure it actually works." snapped Rep-Stallion.



Wild Trotter: “Beware the booby fairy while you’re at it.”



"Hah!" remarked Dementia "At least I won't screw up this time, unlike the two of you."

Mysteriously simply scoffed, "If memory serves me correctly, I actually succeeded in please Titan while the two of you returned empty handed."



Anon13: … way too easy.



Dementia growled angrily, causing her to sweat and ruin her makeup, making her even angrier, but she didn't have time to worry of that now. "I have a plan that's really going to reflect upon the both of you." She hissed as she gazed into her mirror. "Hee, hee, hee…!"



Svensvenderson: “Reflect, mirror; get it? I’m so funny!”



Abra was soon put to work, washing the dishes, only he wasn't very good at it, and dropped a couple of dishes.



T_K_17: This guy is supposed to be a master of sleight of hand?



"Oh, dear!" he groaned.

Lightning and Krysta offered to stay and help, as their job of the day as town helpers. The way Abra worked, you'd think he'd never washed dishes in his life, which was true because Abra usually ate with paper plates and plastic utensils that you threw away or recycled once you were finished with them, that and he was too busy working on his magic acts to really have too much time for simple chores most of the time.



Svensvenderson: Thank you for that pointless exposition, Mykan.



"If only I had spent equal time learning how to do other things, I wouldn't be in such a mess." Abra said. "Don't say that…!" said Krysta "You're a great magician, Abra, and make people happy and astonished with your talent."



GelidEnmity: Just realized this is a parody of Trixie. So this guy HAS watched the episodes! And isn’t an Abra some kind of Pokemon?



Cookie Dough and Lightning agreed. "Everyone has their own special skill…" said Cookie Dough "Like me with my cooking."



Svensvenderson: “You can tell by my serial number.”



"Abra, you're lucky…" added Lightning "At least you can do all these things, I can't even perform one simple card trick, let alone do actual magic other than the uniforce and my Rainbow Rod."



Svensvenderson: You mean the deus ex machina that bails your ass out every time?

T_K_17: Lightning: "Oh woe is me! I only have access to the most powerful form of magic in this whole story!"



Abra felt flattered, but this still didn't help him with his money problem. "If only there some way I could really bring my act up. Get better performances. All I'd need is full house of observers."



Svensvenderson: To fail in front of.



Cookie dough wished he could help, but he really just couldn't think



Svensvenderson: No kidding.



of anything. "Excuse me… I have a full house



Svensvenderson: Real subtle.



of unicorns to feed." He said as he went back out to serve his guests.

That's when Lightning and Krysta realized the full house,



chaossorcerer: Was a shitty comedy.



and remembering that Cookie Dough's place was one of the most famous in the entire kingdom. That's when they both happened upon the very same idea, but decided not to tell Abra yet. They planned to save it as a surprise.



Wild Trotter: What kind of surprise? Who knows?



As the day continued, Abra was starting to get the hang of washing dishes. He didn't even mind that he had dishpan hooves.



Svensvenderson: I hate it when that happens.



He even amazed the staff with some of his magic tricks to store the dishes and utensils away.



Svensvenderson: The staff are easily amused, apparently.



They were all very impressed. Abra took a bow and said to Lightning and Krysta, "I'm starting to like it here. Maybe I should work here more often."

Lightning and Krysta just giggled at one another cheekily.



T_K_17: Women. Always giggling at the slightest thing.



Wait.



Suddenly, everyone in the place began to scream followed by the clattering of dishes. Lightning and Krysta immediately ran out to see, "Dementia…!"



Anon13: The fic’s suckiness has finally caused everyone to snap!

DiStort: Goody! Break out the chainsaws and popcorn!



Dementia turned to face them and then she dashed out the door as the alarms sounded and everyone began to run back inside before the force fields activated. "After her…!" shouted Lightning



Svensvenderson: Great plan, thanks Napoleon!



as they zoomed past the crowds and out the door. Abra saw them run and felt that this was most serious, and he also had a sudden sneaky plan in mind.



Svensvenderson: Oh, this ought to be good.



Poor Cookie Dough though, his restaurant was a mess. He took off his chef hat, "When did I start losing control… in my joint?"



Anon13: Is that a euphemism?

GelidEnmity: Well, when a stallion starts to grow up...



he cried.

…

Lightning and Krysta searched round the empty square just as the shields came up,



Svensvenderson: Just in time to be useless.



and then they spotted Dementia standing in at the other end of the square. "My, but it's a lovely day for a battle." she mocked "Only this time you lose."

Lightning and Krysta were already annoyed. "We're tired of these games, Dementia."



DiStort: They’re right. Maybe you should just shoot them and be done with it.



snapped Lightning "Why don't you do us all a favor and go back to Titan, and stay there?"

Dementia simply laughed, "I think I'll stay around here for a while, and with a little company as well." she said as she held out her mirror.

"What are you up to?" Krysta demanded to know.



Wild Trotter: “You better not summon an evil clone of me.”



She got her answer when Dementia sprinkled the magic dust in her pouches all over her mirror transforming it into a monster with mirrors for arms, mirrors for legs, even two large mirrors for its body and its head.

"As if she didn't have enough of those already." growled Krysta.

Dementia was pleased with her new monster, mostly but the fact that she could see herself from so many different angles



T_K_17: So it's like an inverse Ophan then?



, but that wasn't the best part. "Go get them, Reflect-Shot."



Mephistopheles2.0: It's official, the author isn't even trying anymore.

Anon13: No... he is. And that's so sad.



The monster began obeyed and began to move forward. "Let's see what this this thing can do." Growled Lighting as he charged forward, heading straight for the center mirror, which was the monster's body, and rammed into it, only get horribly knocked back. "OOF…!" Lighting felt is he had just been hit by another unicorn.



DiStort: That wasn’t because the monster is made of mirrors, it was BECAUSE YOU JUST CHARGED DIRECTLY AT A LARGE, METALLIC CREATURE. What were you honestly expecting to happen?



"What was that…?" he wondered aloud. Krysta was confused too.



Svensvenderson: And this is different because...?



Dementia sniggered



GelidEnmity: That one’s TOO easy.



softly at their feeble attempts.

Lightning got up, and tried again. This time he did a bucking kick with his hind legs, but felt something boot him back hard! "Whoa…! Hey…!"



GelidEnmity: God, is this guy TRYING to make innuendos!?



Krysta saw the whole thing and began to wonder what was going on. The monster hadn't even raised an arm yet Lightning had defiantly been attacked by something, and she also noticed Dementia was by herself with glee. "Wait a minute…!" Krysta said, and flew in closer to check out the monster as it continued to stomp its way forward.

Krysta flew at the Reflect-Shot's face, until she was just inches away from the glass that was reflecting her.



Wild Trotter: With her boobs blimping out yet again, the two pairs rubbing up against each other.



Dementia: “Now that’s doubling the pleasure.”



Krysta: “Not funny, Dimentia!”



She then reached out with her hand to touch the glass, but strangely, it felt as if she was touching her own hand. "What the…?"

Then, she tried something drastic,



Svensvenderson: “Is Krysta gonna have to smack a bitch?!”



and gently slapped her reflection in the cheek, only to feel the actual slap herself. "Nya, ha, ha, ha… Haven't you figured out yet?" Dementia laughed.



Wild Trotter: Way to spill the beans, moron.



Her monster was a giant mirror, if the reflection of anything or anyone was hit on its very special surface, the real thing would suffer the attack. In other words, you'd only be attacking yourself instead of the monster.



DiStort: So, basically the way to win here is to do absolutely nothing. Got it.



Lightning and Krysta felt they were in big trouble, "But that's only half your worries." said Dementia "Let us demonstrate its other unique ability."

At her command, Reflect-Shot raised its mirror arms up, up, up… and began to reflect the sunlight into powerful beams to fire at Lightning and Krysta. "Watch out…!" cried Lighting as they evaded the beams. Lightning's tail caught little graze "WHOA…! That's hot!"



GelidEnmity: Paris Hilton is a pony?



he shouted.

Dementia was overjoyed, and really believed her victory was assured. "Why not make it easy and surrender?" she said "I promise I'll be gentle."



Wild Trotter: Is Dementia going all “dark mistress” on us?

chaossorcerer: This story has more innuendos than South Park.



"Never!" shouted Lightning.

"We'll never give in." added Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “And keep your kinky thoughts to yourself!”



"Ugh! Fine…! We'll do it the hard way." groaned Dementia, and she ordered her monster to capture them both. Lightning and Krysta didn't know what to do.



Anon13: Reflecting the author. ZING!



They couldn't even try to attack the monster while it could reflect everything. The glass was also super strong and couldn't be broken as easily by simple attacks. Lightning didn't dare use the Rainbow Rod



DiStort: Aw. I was hoping he’d inadvertently vaporize himself.



, and sure wished one of his other friends was there now to help him.

"Ha, ha, ha…! Too bad, fools!" Dementia sniggered,



GelidEnmity: SNIGGERED!? I can only see the part in the middle...



but then someone called out to her, "Hold it right there!"



Svensvenderson: “Here I come to save the day!”



"Huh…?"

The monster looked round too.



GelidEnmity: He’s not square?



Lightning and Krysta stared from round the monster and could see Abra was standing there, wearing his hat, cape, and holding his wand. "Abra… what are you doing?" called Lightning.

"Get out of here!" added Krysta.

Dementia actually agreed, "Indeed you would be wise to leave." she snapped "I have no use for you. It's Lightning that I want. Leave here now before I order my monster to destroy you!"

Abra wouldn't run. He had seen everything



Svensvenderson: Now he decides to lend a hoof?!



and was willing to help Krysta and Lightning out, not to mention get a little even with Titan and his minions for wrecking his gigs and forcing him out of cash. "You have interfered long enough." He growled.

Dementia had taken enough of this and ordered Reflect-Shot to attack. Abra just stood where he was as the monster reflected the sunlight. "Abra…!"

"Get out of there…!"

Abra still didn't move as the beams hit him. Dementia laughed hard in triumph, but when the dust had cleared. "What…?" Abra was nowhere to be seen, not even any ashes, except that of what was left on the pavement where the beams had hit.



Svensvenderson: ♫ Ding dong Abra’s dead ♫



Lightning and Krysta were confused too.

"Over here…" Abra called a she waved from another section of the street. "Get him!" shouted Dementia and her monster fired again, but again, Abra eluded them with another one of his tricks



T_K_17: ABRA used TELEPORT!



, and when he showed himself again "Remember the first rules of the magic arts: Things aren't what they seem."

Dementia growled fiercely, and then leapt down to attack Abra herself with her monster as back up. "Okay! I tried to be peaceful, but you like all others, wish to do it the hard way." She used her magic to warp the field around Abra, enclosing him and bind of waving energy, but Abra didn't even seem stunned. "Huh!" he remarked "Very amateurish…" and he stomped his hove and like magic, he was freed while Dementia was being held up by her own spell. "What… how did you!"



DiStort: Abra now has a built-in gameshark.



The monster however was right behind him, and already laid its two huge mirror arms to the sides of Abra ready to close in and squash him! "Oh I can't look!" cried Krysta as she hid under Lightning's wing, but Lighting began to notice something else. The monster had no reflective surface on its backside. "I wonder…" he thought.



T_K_17: "If there's a way to taste my elbow..."



"Any last words…?" Dementia sneered at Abra.

"Just two…" snickered Abra.



Svensvenderson: “Get bent”?

DiStort: If he suddenly turned into Kanji Tatsumi, that would be incredible.



Dementia ordered Reflect-Shot to squash him, and right when its arms began to swiftly close in, "Abra-Kadabra…!"



Mephistopheles2.0: ♫ I wanna reach out and grab ya! ♫



shouted Abra followed by a huge crash and the glass on the mirror arms shattered. "AAH…!" roared Dementia as she braced herself from the bombarding glass shards.

The monsters arms were badly damaged, because once again, Abra had eluded it causing it to smash its own arms, and as it harmed whatever reflections were in its sights, that included itself.

"This can't be…!" shouted Dementia. Then suddenly, the monster was whammed from its backside



Anon13: Now THAT’S writing, boys & girls!



and was crashing right down upon Dementia. "YAAHH…!" she flew up in the air just in time as her monster crashed on the ground hard.

It was Lightning who was right all the time to hit it from in back.



T_K_17: This important strategy was taught to him by Niblet from Pound Puppies.



"Looks like your plan backfired, Dementia." Krysta called up "Do it, Lightning!"

"You got it…" Lightning smirked and called for the Rainbow Rod. "Rainbow Rod…Come to me!"



GelidEnmity: Okay, seriously? Rainbow Rod? I give up...



and his magical wand appeared. "Hope no one's superstitious. That's a pretty big mirror I'm about to break."



DiStort: Oh, you are just bucking HILARIOUS, you know that?



"No…! You can't…!" shouted Dementia, but Lightning was already concentrating, and the rod began to glow…

"Magic of the Rainbow,

My faith burns bright

To vanquish the evil,

…in rainbow's light!"

"RAINBOW FORCE…!"

The monster was hit, and the magic dissolved…

WHAAAOM!

WHAAAOM!

All Dementia could do was screech and whine



GelidEnmity: So these alicorns are no different from human women?



as she vanished and was gone, but she vowed to be back!

Lightning and Krysta were relieved that she was gone, and that's when Abra appeared alongside them as if from nowhere, and was applauding for them both. "Truly a magnificent performance." He complimented.

Lightning and Krysta were amazed at how Abra was okay. "How did you do all that?" Krysta asked.



T_K_17: Abra: "Noclip."



Abra only chuckled, "My dear, Krysta- a good magician never reveals his secrets."

Krysta and Lightning merely sighed.

…

Later that night, Abra was given his surprise, and so was the rest of the town.

Cookie Dough's restaurant was already popular, and Abra was given a place for a permanent gig where he could perform shows while everyone was treated to a lovely dinner. This way, even more customers would flock in for the food, and the show, and Abra was entitled to a fair share of money which would get him back on track.



Svensvenderson: Congratulations, you’ve mastered basic economics.



Abra was quite a hit and the crowds just admired his talent. So did Lightning and Krysta, who were sadly forced to watch from the kitchen as they scrubbed extra dishes. "This part of the show I'm not really enjoying." Lightning groaned.

Krysta agreed, and she was only drying dishes. "Well… at least we helped Abra out. Look how happy he is."



T_K_17: Abra: "OH GOD KILL ME NOW."



Krysta: "So. Happy."



Lightning and Krysta watched the show go on through the kitchen doors behind them, and Lightning agreed that Abra was doing great. They also still were pretty curious at how he performed his tricks, but figured it best not to after all.

…

(In Grand Ruler's Palace)

Grand Ruler: "Well, it seems everything worked out fine for everyone today. Abra found ways to entertain and even help others with his skills and talent. That is something we all can do. Many talents and skills can be used for all sort of purposes, some even do more than one, or even several. There are usually other options, alternatives ways, and different methods to deal with problems.



T_K_17: There are different ways to solve problems. OH GRAND RULER YOU ARE INFINITE IN YOUR WISDOM.



Just remember that sometimes the obvious choice is the wrong choice, and the right path is not the easy one."



Anon13: That’s why I haven’t deleted this fic.



"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"



GelidEnmity: I’ll keep believing this fic is a Trollfic and leave it at that.



EPISODE EIGHT



Svensvenderson: Please don’t be ‘Endless Eight’, please don’t be ‘Endless Eight’...

DiStort: Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad. We’d only have to read it once, and then we could skip like, seven chapters.



When Titan had emerged from his secret project, though it still needed a little extra time to be fully ready, Mysterious had come to him with an idea, and extremely nasty idea to help gather more energy for Titan, as well as blow a hole through the unicorn's defenses.



Svensvenderson: “I call it, a gun.”

T_K_17: If one of these guys is using it, it probably shoots vitamins.



"You are aware by this time, the unicorns are all heading home to sleep until morning, and that is where I shall strike them."

Rep-Stallion was confused, "You're going to go after them while they're sleeping?" he asked.

Mysterious nodded, and explained he was going to strike in the one place where they're magic, believing, and friends could not truly help them. "In their dreams…!" His plan was to haunt the unicorns with spell he had been working on that would bring their worst nightmares to life.



Svensvenderson: These guys must have the Superfriends DVDs, because their plans are just as dumb as the Legion of Doom’s.



The more they fell into their dreams, the more their energy would drain, and their self-confidence would be shaken as well.



Wild Trotter: Will they realize how bland their lives had been when they wake up?



"With their self-confidence impaired, their magic powers will be of little threat to me."

Titan liked the sound of this and gave Mysterious his approval. Then he viewed an image of Unicornicopia, it was already nightfall and the unicorns were already leaving for home. "Pleasant dreams, unicorns."



DiStort: Is this gonna turn into Catherine? Are all of the unicorns gonna turn into sheep while Lightning runs away from a giant, monstrous ass?



he sniggered and then laughed evilly.



Svensvenderson: At least Mykan didn’t have to type it out this time.

…

Buddy Rose closed his community garden and stretched and yawned. "What a day…!" he said. "I'm certainly going to sleep well tonight."

"I think so too…" added Cookie Dough as he closed up the restaurant. Rhyme was with him, after finish a good hot dinner. He looked ready for bed already…

"I don't feel as I have to count sheep,

Tonight I really will get a good sleep."

Then, they all looked, and saw Lightning standing up on a rooftop looking up at the stars as he sang a small short…

(Today's Special- Wheels: "In the night")



DiStort: Hey, do you guys hear that? I think it’s the sound of NO ONE CARING.



In the night there's magic…



T_K_17: "In the magic there's friendship."



"BLASPHEMY!"



Have you ever dreamed of wanderin' though a town?

When the stars come out, and the sun goes down

And there's no one left except your friends around…!

That's when he leapt down from the roof,



Svensvenderson: Broke a leg, and was put down.



landed in the streets, and many unicorns, plus his friends began to dance with him as the music played. Around the lampposts, over the small walkway-railings, even a little flying dance moves.



T_K_17: Warrior race. I think that phrase is starting to lose its meaning at this point, but JESUS CHRIST.



During the dancing, Lightning bid goodnight to his friends as he and Krysta headed back home to White Village, and upon arriving Lightning wrapped up his song…

In the night there's magic

Have you ever dreamed of wanderin' through a to-o-o-o-own…?



GelidEnmity: That would be a pretty uneventful dream...



He and Krysta smiled at each other, but then both yawned and Krysta pecked Lightning on the cheek before flying into her little house. "Goodnight Lightning…"



Wild Trotter: A fwoomp sound was heard from the inside thereafter.



"Sleep tight, Krysta." responded Lightning as he hopped into bed.

Soon, all over the kingdom, everyone was fast asleep. Some were even snoring.



Svensvenderson: The fiends!



The only exceptions were the guards manning the scout posts to search for any evil activity that occurred during the night,



Mephistopheles2.0: And juicy tidbits they could watch through their binoculars.



and the night soldiers were just taking control of their shifts.

All completely were unaware that Mysterious was flying through the skies.



DiStort: The guards kind of suck at their jobs, you see.



It was much safer for him to come out at night where there wasn't so much light to harm him,



Svensvenderson: Yes, that’s usually how night works.



and made it harder for the scout lights to find him as he blended in with the darkness too well.

"Hmm, mm, mm, mm, mm…! It's time…" he hissed as he began to fly here and there, over and under sprinkling special magic dust all over the entire kingdom.



chaossorcerer: Does this make him the Nightmare Moon variant of the Sandman?

Anon13: Hell no. Gaiman can actually write.



Being a shadow and able to move faster along the darkness helped him go faster.

By the time he was finished; he had retreated to a cave somewhere in Yellow Hills, where Rhymey lived.



Svensvenderson: Note to self: Nuke Yellow Hills.

Wild Trotter: Mind if I help destroy the evidence? (grins devilishly)

DiStort: I’m already loading my three-barreled incendiary shotgun. Fun times shall be had.



All he had to do now was sit and wait for the energy to start flowing, but what Mysterious didn't realize, was that he missed one unicorn who was watching him from the skies… one with three golden horns.



chaossorcerer: Which did absolutely nothing to prevent the evil from doing its plan.

DiStort: HOLY PLOT CONVENIENCE, BATMARE!



…

In Red Wood Meadows, in a cute little cottage, Buddy Rose was starting to toss and turn in his bed and moaning softly…



GelidEnmity: It’s a trollfic! I’m outta here.

Crazy56U: (grab) If I have to stay, so do you. Even if this starts resembling porn.

Chaossorcerer: Buddy: Oh Luna, yes. Spank me with my own vines...

Crazy56U: You aren’t helping!



He dreaming about heading to his garden one day to realize, all his beautiful plants were dead. He tried and tried his best to revive them, but this only made the spiritual forces of his plans return to scold him and chase after him as payment for not taking care of them.



Svensvenderson: Ungrateful bastards.



…

Cookie Dough was sleeping in his home in Bluesville when he started to have a nightmare about His cooking starting to make everyone feel sick and causing them to age into dust.



Chaossorcerer: I told you it was a bad idea to cook food in water from the wrong Grail.

T_K_17: That's why you shouldn't let Applejack help you when she's tired.





"No…! No…! What have I done?" he cried,



chaossorcerer: You chose... poorly.

Anon13: So did Midnight when he sent us this pile of crap.



and soon the guilt and shame of what he had done began to turn him into stone!



Wild Trotter: And then, he crumbled to dust immediately thereafter.



…

Starla dream that the stars were falling from the sky like a meteor shower, crushing and destroying anything that slammed on.



Wild Trotter: “Oh no, I’m in a Michael Bay film!”



Rhymey dreamed that while he was reciting a poem



Svensvenderson: And it didn’t rhyme!



about monsters and horror, as he read the words he wrote, the monsters and horrors he described



Wild Trotter: Read: EVERYONE that grew sick to death of his rhyming schtick.



actually came to life and



Wild Trotter: Joined the audience in pelting the moron with everything they could find.



gave chase.

"Mercy me…!

I believe I should FLEE…!"

Even Krysta was having a nightmare…

She dreamt that she had found other fairies just like her, and they invited her into a spring for a swim, but as soon as Krysta leapt off the edge,



DiStort: Her wings vanished and she plummeted to her death.



the beautiful paradise turned into an infernal nightmare, with flaming monsters and demons that caught her.



DiStort: That works too.

Wild Trotter: Soon afterwards, said monstrosities began taking turns fondling her over-inflated gazongas, much to her utter confusion.

…

All over the kingdom the unicorns were tossing and turning in their sleep as their nightmares grew worse, and as their nightmares continued to eat away at their minds, the more energy Mysterious was able to harness. The energy seemed to emerge from the unicorns and moved like a stream of fireflies,



Wild Trotter: With the energy coming from Krysta’s nightmare giving him a wing boner in the process.

Svensvenderson: And the night guards don’t notice this because...?



flying all across the land, into the cave and through Mysterious' vortex to be transferred to Titan.

He just couldn't stop sniggered



GelidEnmity: SNICKERED. IT’S. SNICKERED.

T_K_17: Just get used to it. You see this word a lot when dealing with Mykan.



sinisterly to himself, but what he was really anxious for was about to happen, "Any moment now…! Heh, heh, heh…!"

…

Easily, Lightning had the worst dream of all… He dreamt that he was



Svensvenderson: A halfway decent character.



brought before The Grand Ruler and he did not look a bit pleased for reasons unknown. "Lightning Dawn it has become clear to me that I can no longer trust you, or instruct you as my apprentice. I have no choice but to banish you to the Dimension of Darkness and out of my sight and kingdom… FOREVER…!"



Svensvenderson: But he didn’t lose a friend’s trust!



In a quick snap Lightning and Krysta both woke up with a bloodcurdling gasp…

So did Buddy Rose… then Starla… Cookie Dough… Rhymey…! Everyone across the kingdom had awoken, some were even screaming, some fell out of bed.



Svensvenderson: The collective *thunk* could have woken the dead.

Wild Trotter: And make them flee the story, no less?



…

Mysterious could sense the fear in the very air a she



DiStort: SPONTANEOUS GENDER FLIP.



absorbed the last amount of energy. "My plan has worked." He hissed "What I would give to see the expressions on their fearful faces now…"



Wild Trotter: “That fairy though... Dementia might strangle me if she found out!”



…

"Krysta…" cried Lightning, but he said nothing else after that.

"What was that all about?" Krysta wondered.



Wild Trotter: “And why did my dream turn kinky outta nowhere? Oh...”



There was a knock at the door, causing them both to jump. "It's okay… it's just the door."



Svensvenderson: “Not the door!”



stuttered Krysta. Lightning answered the door it was only Starla, but she looked just as freaked out as he and Krysta.

Starla explained about her nightmare, and that she was too scared to even look at the stars for answers. On her way over, she also heard several unicorns screaming from their bedrooms, and many lights were on in the other villages too.

"This is getting really weird." cried Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “If their dreams went the way mine did, I pity them.”

Svensvenderson: “The thing with the chicken and the cuckoo clock? *shiver*”

Anon13: Worse, I was a crappy character in a ridiculous fanfic... OH MY CELESTIA!



That's when a magical letter shot through the open window and landed on Lightning's bed. The suddenness of its appearance made them all jump and yelp. Lightning recognized the seal on the rolled up paper. "I… It's from The Grand Ruler."



Svensvenderson: “Dear Lightning Dawn, today I learned...”



He whimpered, but he didn't seem too eager to look at it. "Lightning, just do it…" cried Krysta "Just get it over with."



chaossorcerer: Those characters are not ponies, they are chickens

Mephistopheles2.0: You mean they're all Scootaloo?

Anon13: Do not insult Scootaloo like that! She wouldn't have anything to do with these losers!



"Y… Y… You can do it." stuttered Starla.

Lightning swallowed hard and nervously unrolled the letter…

Dear Lightning…



T_K_17: "It has become clear to me that I can no longer trust you."



I am well aware of the nightmares you and your friends have experienced,



Svensvenderson: GR is Big Brother?



and I can assure you it was no trick of nature.



DiStort: That was all me. I thought it would be funny, and it totally was.



I was making my rounds of the sky to maintain the balance of the night-flow, when I noticed Mysterious was flying around and sprinkling an evil magical dust all over the kingdom called Nightmareadon



Svensvenderson: *facehoof*



which causes any sleeper to dream their worst nightmare.

Mysterious has used this to drain the magic from the kingdom as you dreamt, and to weaken your self-confidence so that you will be unable to use magic in your battles.

Lightning, as you read this I am constantly going around the kingdom and doing my best to dissolve the remainder of the dust so that no further nightmares occur, but you must confront Mysterious who I have seen based in a cave at Yellow Hills.



T_K_17: For some reason he is going to some cave instead of making a mad dash to give the energy to his master.



That is all I can tell you. I'd assist you in battle, but



Svensvenderson: That’d be too easy.



I cannot allow my other subjects to fall under the spell.



chaossorcerer: Because they are even bigger pansies than you are.

Anon13: How is that possible?



Just believe, and face your fears!



Mephistopheles2.0: ♫ Just laugh to make them disappear! ♫



I have faith in you my student.

Your caring master: The Grand Ruler



Wild Trotter: And YOU didn’t stop Mysterious, because...

Anon13: Silly-ass plot.

DiStort: Well, GR’s butt is quite silly, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.



"W… w… we have to go out there." Lightning said nervously "It's the only way."

The girls were not so optimistic. Krysta even slipped back inside her house and hid under her bed. "Why can't we just use magic to get through this?" she groaned, but this was something magic couldn't fix, and just as the letter said without their self-confidence, their powers were weak or couldn't be used.



Svensvenderson: So call Cookie Dough, and have him bring over some liquid courage. Problem solved!

DiStort: SHH. Not in front of Crazy. He’s still trying to get over part one.



Lightning, though he was just as scared, and part of him wished all this could be undone- his mentor had faith in him, why else would he charge him with such a task.



Svensvenderson: Because you’re a Mary Sue, dumbass.



"I'm going to try at least. I'll go alone if I have to." he said with pride, and then he leapt out the window and



T_K_17: cracked his neck on the ground.



flew off slowly into the night.

Starla felt more nervous than ever. So did Krysta, but they both just couldn't let Lightning do this alone. "Lightning, wait!" they called as they flew off after him.

Soon they were joined by Buddy Rose, who looked just as shaken, but saw them flying off after Lightning and figured it was trouble. "Cookie Dough's coming do."



Wild Trotter: I dunno what he’ll come to do. *shudders*



He told them, and before the others could react, "I'm just as surprised as you are."

Cookie Dough hardly ever entered battles as it was believed his magic was only for quick wits.



Svensvenderson: Cookie Dough is quick witted?!

Wild Trotter: Yeah... I dunno what that means, either. If I did, I doubt I’d like it.



Still, they would find out soon enough after they met up with him and then caught up with Lightning. Soon they arrived at Rhymey's house, but it took some time for him to answer the door.

The door creaked opened, and poor little Rhymey peeked his head through.

"Is somebody out there…?

Please don't give me another scare!"



Crazy56U: (pulls out duct tape) Anyone mind if I shut him up?

Chaossorcerer: No. But may I suggest you rather remove his voice box?

Wild Trotter: (pulls out shotgun) Lemme blow his head off!

DiStort: (Hands Wild the previously mentioned three-barreled incendiary shotgun) Please, use mine.



The others convinced him that everything would okay… at least they hoped.

Yellow Hill was a small village- quiet and peaceful, several houses, and even a poetry hall. The hills



Svensvenderson: ♫ Are alive... ♫



were small and not too step, and there was only small cave in one of the hills. Not really one of those deep dark mines or tunnels but a small dugout.



T_K_17: Dug for the sole purpose of giving random criminals a place to hide out for the night.



The gang slowly approached the location, stopping only meters away from the dark entrance "I… I don't see anything in there." stuttered Buddy Rose.

"But I… see you!" mysterious hissed loudly, sounding like a violent monster, and making everyone yelp. That's when Mysterious stepped out from the cave laughing hysterically. "What's the matter? Couldn't sleep well…? Having bad dreams…?"



DiStort: Lightning: “Don’t you play psychiatrist with ME, buddy!”



By this time the gang had mixed expressions of anger and fear on their faces. "We know what you're up to, Mysterious." growled Lightning "You planted those nightmares in our heads."



Wild Trotter: Mysterious: Krysta... lucked out, more or less... (wingboner)

Krysta: Oh, you pervert! (slaps Mysterious)

Mysterious: I definitely deserved that one...



Mysterious sniggered



DiStort: I think we’re gonna need to start doing the same thing here that we did with “offered” in Past Sins.



and nodded his head, "And it looks as if my little plan has succeeded. Look at yourselves… you're all trembling with fear. It shows in your eyes. I think now's the perfect time to introduce you to my newest sidekick. Ha, ha, ah, ah, ah…!" At the sound of his evil laugh



Svensvenderson: Reminded everyone of the Count from Sesame Street.

DiStort: One shitty fanfic! Ah, ah, ah.



and large flare of light erupted from the cave frightening the gang as a huge fiery coated monster emerged. Mysterious called this monster Hothead, and made it from the flares of a torch he had in the cave with him.



T_K_17: He somehow found a way to put even less thought in the Monster Of The Day.

Anon13: There are 8-year-olds thumbing through their older brothers’ old D&D stuff that come up with better monsters.



Krysta screamed and hid under Lightning's wing. "Oh, my…!" she whimpered. That was the exact same type of monster that attacked her in her dream, a large monster with burning flames all over its body. "G…G…Get it away! Keep it away from me!"



Wild Trotter: “Keep away from my melons, you flaming creep!”



"Me too!" cried Starla



DiStort: Not wanting to feel left out.



Buddy and Cookie held each other whimpered at the sight of such a beast. Just looking at those flames was enough to burn them.



Wild Trotter: (turns shotgun on self) Yaoi implicatons... must... clean... mind!

DiStort: There’s more sanitary ways of doing that, Wild. Want me to loan you my brain washing machine?

Wild Trotter: Oh, please do.



Lightning was almost at a loss for words, and remembered what the Grand Ruler had said; he just had to face his fears.



T_K_17:



"I can do this…! I can do this…!" he kept saying as he moved forward, but the monsters flared up and roared causing him to retreat "AAAAHH…! No I can't!" and he ran back to join the others.

Some of them tried to attack the monster from a distance, but just as they were told they're magic either didn't work, or was too weak to be of any help. Rhymey tried his "DRILL QUILL…!" but they burned up as they neared the monster as it was part made of fire.

"Oh dear…! This is bad!

I think I made the nightmare mad!"



Svensvenderson: Not half as pissed off as we are.

Wild Trotter: Especially Crazy.



Mysterious couldn't help but laugh at such a pitiful sight. "I can't remember the last time I had so much fun!" he said "Go get them, Hothead!"

The monster flared, and began to slowly move forward. His burning feet made burn marks and ashes on the ground. "He's coming!"



GelidEnmity: . . . Yup.



cried Starla "What do we do…?"



Svensvenderson: Kill time until the Mary Sue decides to bring out the big guns.



The monster then clapped his fiery hands together and blew hard, causing a huge fiery flare to blow right at the gang. "WHOA…!" they all shrieked as they scattered around.



chaossorcerer: Girls, calm down. And Starla and Krysta, you too.



The others tried and tried, but by this time they were so scared and nervous they couldn't even shout the name of their attacks.



Anon13: GO GO UNICORN WET MYSELF!



Lightning tried to charge at the monster only to always stop and run away at the last few feet, especially before the monster blew more fire at him. "This isn't working!" cried Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “Not even my charms seem to work... Blech!”

Svensvenderson: Krysta: Master tactician.



"Tell me something I don't know." snapped Lightning, but he quickly realized "What am I saying? I can't let my fear get to me!"

The others heard that, and began to realize they were just being a band of crybabies too scared to fight to save their own skins. They just had to concentrate.



Mephistopheles2.0: And recite the Bene Gesserit litany against fear.

Anon13: "I must not suck. Suck is the fic-killer. Suck is the little idiocy that brings total moronization. I will face my suck. I will let an editor go over it and through it. And when he is done I will watch and abide by his suggestions. When the editing is done there will be no sucking left, and only a good fic will remain."

... aw who am I kidding, it's Mykan.



"Huh…?" groaned Mysterious as he watched the gang stand up tall and proud. "What's this…? How are they no longer afraid?"



T_K_17: One of them said "Don't be scared" and voilà.

Anon13: BEHOLD the POWER of the ASCENDED MARY SUE!



The gang was still feeling a little nervous, but the more they believed they could do it, the more the spell faded away.



DiStort: “WE BELIEVE IN SANTA CHRIST!”



Soon, they were standing tall and proud and ready for action. "Dream's over, Mysterious!" said Lightning "And now it's your turn to face a nightmare."



Wild Trotter: “And NOT the kinky kind!”

Svensvenderson: And the award for lamest pun goes to Lightning Dawn!



The others nodded and charged.



T_K_17: Hothead then killed them with fire, justifying their fears.



Of course, Hothead was still made of part fire so they'd have to be careful. All of Buddy Rose's attacks didn't work on him, but he did manage to distract the monster long enough for Rhymey to attack with his "WARD SWORD…!" hitting it hard.

"Oh, no you don't…!" shouted Mysterious as he prepared to attack as well, only get bombarded by Starla's "STAR SHOWER…!"

"Blargh…!" Even though Mysterious could not be attacked normally like most shadows, magical-attacks were able to get at him,



Svensvenderson: Being weak to magic attacks in a land of unicorns makes you a special kind of useless.



especially ones that gave off light like Starla's attacks.

Krysta joined her in keeping Mysterious distracted by sprinkling her brighter fairy dust on him. "Pah…! Stop…! Get this stuff off me!"



Wild Trotter: “Don’t look at her boobies! Don’t look at her boobies! Don’t look at her boobies! Ah....I looked.”

Svensvenderson: Mysterious suddenly had goofy expression on his face...



With Mysterious distracted, the monster was forced to face the others alone. Cookie Dough was ready. "I've always wanted to do this…" he said as the monster began to approach him "I may be a chef, but there's that I can do."

"CREAM PIE FLING…!" the sound of his words, he summoned up a whole bunch of pies, but not the kind you would eat. These plié were thrown in the monsters face. The creams were in face gross bits of slime



Crazy56U: Cream pies you can’t eat that involve gross bits of “slime”. ...no comment.

Wild Trotter: (pukes)

Svensvenderson: Thanks Crazy. Now I will never eat again.

Crazy56U: You’re welcome! :D

DiStort: It’s okay, my mind went into shock for a moment to prevent permanent damage.



which ran down the monster, and the heat from its fires caused the slime to harden into a shell slowing him down.



Anon13: No! Not the dreaded creme brulee attack! You monster! My diet will be ruined!



"Now try my… EGG BOMB...!" and Cookie fired explosive eggs at Hothead, disintegrating the hardened parts of his body



Svensvenderson: Oh come on!



and making him weaker.

Finally, Cookie Dough had one final attack, his "EGG BATTER…!" which formed a giant club in his hand like a baseball bat. "Batter up!" he shouted



Svensvenderson: I take back what I said. Cookie Dough wins for the worst pun.

Crazy56U: Griff Tannen called, he wants his pun back.



as he WHAMMED the monster and sent it soaring up, up, up.

The others were amazed, and Lightning realized this was his chance, so he summoned the Rainbow Rod, and began to power it up…

"Magic of the Rainbow,

My faith burns bright

To vanquish the evil,

…in rainbow's light!"

As Hothead began to crash down to the ground, Lightning unleashed the "RAINBOW FORCE…!"



T_K_17: Silly Mykan. That's not how you spell "farce".



sending it straight up, hitting the monster. KABOOM! It actually exploded safely in the air, and the magic dissolved…

WHAAAOM!

WHAAAOM!

Mysterious watched in dismay right until the last bit of the magic faded, and growled angrily.

The gang all came together and cheered for joy, and then Lightning turned and snarled "Mysterious, now it's your turn!" but before anyone could act, "Sorry, but I already have some of what I came for



DiStort: Plenty of mental images of Krysta?



, so I'll be on my way, but we'll see each other again real soon. Ha, ha, ah, ah, ah, ah…!" then Mysterious vanished and was gone.



Svensvenderson: “He who runs away lives to fail another day.”



Everyone was a little upset that he got away, and had taken a lot of energy with him, but they were all safe and that was what really mattered.

"Well done, Everyone." said a voice from atop the hill. The gang looked, and saw the shape of "Grand Ruler…!" cried Lightning. It was still too dark to see him clearly, but they all recognized his shape. He stood there proudly on the hill with his cape fluttering in the soft breeze.

"Because you all believed you could win, and faced your fears, you overpowered Mysterious' magic. Take great care of yourselves… for this battle with Titan and his forces will continue, but I have faith and believe in you all… especially you, Lightning."



T_K_17: GR: "The rest of you can go fuck yourselves."



The gang bowed to the Grand Ruler, and Lightning asked his mentor, "When will I learn the true secret of magic? Haven't I come



Svensvenderson: It seems like everyone else has.



far enough?"

The Grand Ruler chuckled, "You have done wonderfully, Lightning. One day all will be clear to you, but for now… you all better get home to bed while it's still night. Farewell…!" and he flew off into the sky to continue his nighttime duties.



Svensvenderson: Which consisted of being useless and delivering stupid morals.

DiStort: Easiest job ever.



The gang decided it was best to head home to bed anyway. Lightning felt disappointed that even after all this he still didn't know what his master was trying to teach him about magic, but at least when went to bed, he had nicer dreams… so did Krysta… and so did everyone else.



Wild Trotter: And soon, everyone in Unicornicopia will have the kinky dreams kick in on them... but that’s another story for another time.



(In the Skies as Grand Ruler flies)

Grand Ruler: "Dreams may seem scary at the times; you must always remember that they cannot really harm you.



DiStort: I’d just like to offer the author a personal “go fuck yourself” for that line. (Didn’t even use “buck.” That’s how you know I’m serious.)



Sometimes dreams and nightmares become true, but like all dreams they don't really last forever!"



T_K_17: Like the nightmare of being universally hated on the internet.



"Sometimes, dreams can be triggered off by things you've done, and the dreams try to warn you by showing you what it's like from another view. Dreams can teach, just like books and lessons can,



chaossorcerer: Then try and tell me what that dream means, where I turn into a giant crab.

T_K_17: It means someone can hit your weak point for massive damage



and some dreams can never be ignored. That is something we all feel, but just remember, dreams are not real and be if you don't let them."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"



Wild Trotter: How about I keep on drinking, instead?

Crazy56U: (tosses a bag of weed) Trust me. This will be better for you.

DiStort: I’ll go get the Oreos...



EPISODE NINE

Titan was growing stronger thanks to energies that Mysterious brought back for him the last time, and he was busy testing it out in private.



Wild Trotter: Titan: What’s that fairy’s nightmare do- good gravy! Minions...

Rep-Stallion: What is it my... oh dear...

Mysterious: Lord Titan, what’s... Oh... I didn’t expect that, really.

Dementia: Mysterious, you perv, come over here!

Mysterious: Oh, gotta go! Bye!

Svensvenderson: You know, I’m sure there’s a point to collecting all of this energy, but I honestly don’t care anymore.



Rep-Stallion began to think maybe it was time for him to take matters into his own hands for not having a turn in so long to cause havoc.



Svensvenderson: Yeah, it’s his turn to fail!



"Where do you think you're going?" asked Dementia.

When Rep-Stallion explained what his plan was to his comrades, they didn't seem pleased. Not merely by the fact they didn't believe he would succeed,



Svensvenderson: Has a SINGLE plan you morons came up with worked?!

DiStort: Do partial successes count?



but the fact he had not informed Titan of his plan. "His lordship will not be pleased." Mysterious warned him.

"He will then, when I bring him Lightning Dawn." said Rep-Stallion "And don't either of you go off to tell him. I'd like it to be a surprise." After he left, Mysterious and Dementia felt that by day's end Titan would be more than just surprised.

…

In Titan's secret lab,



Svensvenderson: Dee Dee kept breaking his stuff.



he had been working hard to combine his magic with the energies he had absorbed form the elements and unicorns. "Yes…!" he hissed with glee "I can feel the power pulsating through my veins!"



Wild Trotter: “UNLIMITED POWAAAAHHH!!!”



He hadn't felt this strong for centuries, since the Grand Ruler sealed him away and drained him of his magic and strength. To further test his new growing powers he stepped outside and began to practice on the storms and grounds of the demission.



Svensvenderson: I think that’s supposed to be ‘dimension’, but who knows.



He was able to bend and swerve lightning bolts that came right at him so they flew in opposite directions, and even repel them back with a fraction of his powers. He also managed to break many boulders into dust with one swipe of his ghastly hands.



DiStort: Practicing his force powers, basically.

T_K_17: He even pulled down a Star Destroyer by moving the analog sticks around.



His powers were getting stronger, but just not enough for him to fulfill his ultimate dreams. Especially one in particular that he constantly remembered for so many ages!

He shut his eyes tight and imagined a poor young boy he once remembered being ridiculed by others because he was defeated so easily by so many others before him. Even those that would normally appear weak to him were able to overpower him. He was laughed at, taunted, and physically abused.



Svensvenderson: But enough about Mykan...

DiStort: HIYOOO!



Titan opened his eyes and clenched his fists, and acted as if he wouldn't let that boy that he knew down. "Not quite yet, but soon. SOON…!"

…

It was another happy day in Unicornicopia and everyone was up and about, some at work, some playing, and little colts going off to school.



Svensvenderson: The fillies stayed at home in the kitchen.



It certainly was a nice day, and that worried Krysta a lot. "This is usually the time when Titan or one of his henchmen comes after us again."



Wild Trotter: “If we’re really lucky, though, my boobies’ll distract them.”

chaossorcerer: Stop getting genre savvy!



"Well if they do…" Lightning said "We'll be ready for them."



T_K_17: Lightning: "We'll believe the SHIT out of them!"



All day they had been flying around looking for work, but nobody seemed to need any help that day, which wasn't really a bad thing.



GelidEnmity: No shit, Sherlock.



They were bound to find work sooner or later as the kingdom was fairly large, and soon they did find work.



Svensvenderson: I was really worried there for a second.



Cookie had asked them to deliver a specially packed lunch to Brain's place in Greenland.



Svensvenderson: I don’t know what’s worse, that Mykan used Greenland, or that I kinda laughed at it.



"He's been working another of his secret projects and says he hasn't got time to come here and get it himself."

...

Greenland sure lived up to its name; lush and green fields stretched as far as they eye could see. Grassy hills and pine-trees, the houses were all dome-shaped, and wasn't difficult to tell which one was Brain's because they could see something unusual.



Svensvenderson: Brain’s had a bunch of scorch marks on it.



"A big balloon…?" Krysta said almost in a slight of dismay. "That's what he's been working on?"



DiStort: He’s planning on having an adventure with a talking dog and a chubby Asian kid.



"This is have to see." said Lightning

Brain was standing in the basket of the balloon and was truly proud of his "Ahh…! Satisfactory…! Most satisfactory…" He saw Lightning and Krysta and was glad someone finally showed up to see his work. "Tell me… do you like it?" he asked.

Lightning and Krysta gazed at one another. "Yeah… we do…" Lightning said "But why would you spend all this time making a balloon for? Especially since we all have wings and can fly by ourselves."



Svensvenderson: “Because the plot demands it."



Brain was aware of this all and wasn't trying to imply that a balloon could compete with unicorn wings. "But… for the sheer sensation of soft gentle flying, there is nothing that can compare with a gas



Svensvenderson: Hydrogen?

DiStort: Methane?



filled balloon. Come along you two, and join me for a most exciting experience."



Anon13: Please don’t turn into a makeout session...



Krysta and Lightning decided to go along, and as soon as they climbed aboard did brain unfasten the lines holding them down, "Right…! Away we go…" and the balloon slowly began to rise up into the air.

However, all this time, they were being watched by someone hiding behind one of the pine trees near the house. "Hmm… I think I can turn this to my advantage. Heh, heh, heh…!"



T_K_17: "A balloon monster! I'm a genius!"

Svensvenderson: I wonder who that could be....?



The balloon soared over Greenland, and across Rainbow City, and then back because Brain didn't intend to fly too far for his first test, but Krysta and Lightning were impressed. "This is relaxing, I'm kind of surprised." said Krysta "And the breeze feels just wonderful." added Lightning.

"Did I not tell you so…?" Brain chuckled

The landed safely near Brain's home, fastened the balloon down again and hopped out. "Well that sure was fun." said Lightning.



T_K_17: Lightning: "It wasn't as fun when we ran into the other balloon with the purple pony and dragon in it."



Brain agreed "And I haven't even told you the most exciting feature… the balloon is made of specially coated fabric making it difficult to puncture so there is little chance of hole being punctured, and a leak being sprung."



Svensvenderson: What? I can’t here you over the sound of Chekhov's gun being cocked!



"That's just what I wanted to hear!" snapped a voice. The others turned round and saw him standing there.

"Rep-Stallion!" snapped Lightning.

"I say- What are you doing here?" growled Brain

"To cause trouble no doubt." Krsyta sneered.



Wild Trotter: “One more joke involving my boobs...”



Rep-Stallion was impressed by how well they caught on. "Nice balloon. Mind if I borrow it…?"



Wild Trotter: “Not THOSE balloons, mind you.”

DiStort: Krysta: (SLAP)



before anyone could answer him he had leapt over to the balloon, "Thanks… I appreciate it."

Brain was livid when he saw Rep sprinkling his monster dust on the balloon "I say! What are you doing…?"

He soon got his answer when the balloon began to transform into Rep-Stallion's newest monster, Big-Blowout!



T_K_17: I WAS JOKING GODDAMMIT.

Wild Trotter: Big-Blowout? How about you blow it out your flanks.

DiStort: I’m having flashbacks to Mr. Patch from Banjo-Tooie.



Its shape was rather odd. The basket was its head, the ropes and latches were all connected together to serve as the arms and legs, and the big balloon itself served as the body.

At first, Lightning and Krysta didn't seem impressed. "You're going to beat us with a balloon?" asked Lightning



chaossorcerer: Not even the main character can believe how stupid the monster designs are becoming.



"This should be easy."

"I'm not so certain of that." said Brain "I'm certain there is some reason he has used my balloon for a monster." but Lightning didn't listen and just ran on ahead.



Svensvenderson: This ought to be good.



"Lightning, wait…!" cried Krysta as she chased after him.

Rep-Stallion hopped on the head of his monster and laughed at their feeble attempts. "Show them, my monster." He said and with a swift wave of his scythe, "Now…!" and the monsters unleashed a fierce blow of strong air, and blew it straight at Lightning knocking him far back right into a tree.

Krysta and Brain dashed over to him.

"Lightning…!"

"Oh dear…!"

Lightning wasn't hurt,



Svensvenderson: Damn.



"But that thing's got a lot of air in it." That was to be expected as it was a balloon, and a giant one to be exact. To make matters worse all it all it had to do was take in a deep breath and it sucked up the air back into its body ready for more.



Svensvenderson: There’s a metaphor about sucking and the quality of this fic, but I can’t think of it for the life of me.



"Nicely done, Big-Blowout." said Rep-Stallion, "Now seize them!"

The monster began to stomp its way towards the gang, shaking the ground with every step for a monster full of air, to make matters worse, the monster didn't only just blow air out. It drew in another huge long breath and began to suck in the air harder and faster than it did before.



Wild Trotter: No comment. Just...no comment.



"Hey…!" cried Lightning as he felt himself being lifted off of the ground by the strong winds. He quickly grabbed the tree and held it tight. Krysta and Brain felt the wind two Krysta held onto Lightning's mane, which hurt him because of the pulling force, and Brain held Lightning's tail.

"AAAAH…! OOOWWW…! Krysta… Brain…!"

"Oh my goodness…!" cried Brain.

"I can't hold on!" added Krysta

Poor Lightning was a little preoccupied by the pull of the air and the agonizing pane



Svensvenderson: … of glass, I guess?



from Brain pulling on his tail and Krysta holding his mane. The pull of the wind only got stronger as the monster treaded closer!

"They can't hold against the pull forever." grumbled Rep-Stallion, but his patience were wearing thin and he raised his scythe, "This ought to loosen their grip- SCYTHE SLASH WAVE…!"

With a wave of his scythe he fired small blasts of waving-energy at the tree, hoping to hit Lightning so he'd let go. "AAH…! WHOA…!" but his grip still held!



T_K_17: Lightning: “Good thing I took all those tree grabbing classes!”



He just couldn't let go! Who knew what would happen if he and his friends were sucked into that beast!



Svensvenderson: The fic would be over, and we could all get into therapy.



"I'm losing my grip!" cried Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “Curse my inflatable boobies!”

DiStort: If this was an anime, those would be really helpful.



"Just hang on…!" shouted Lightning.

"I hate to admit this… but I believe I am slipping." cried Brain.

Rep-Stallion fired another blast, and the force nearly hit Lightning and created small sparks. "AA-AAH…!" he managed to hang on, but the others finally lost their grip and screamed as they were pulled in! "BRAIN…! KRYSTA…!"



T_K_17: Lightning: “And my wallet! NOOOOOOOOOO!”



"LIGHTNING…!" Krysta screamed as she and Brain disappeared into the monster mouth, causing the wind pull to stop, and the monster took a big gulp and swallowed hard. Lightning felt this heart ripping in half. "He… He ate them!"



Crazy56U: Yay! Two down!

Svensvenderson: And they didn’t even get out a “I hope I give you indigestion!”

DiStort: Or an always classic “CHOKE ON IT!”



he cried as tears of anger and sadness form in his eyes.

"Well…" Rep-Stallion said as he scratched his head "Not quite was I was aiming for,



Svensvenderson: Don’t look a gift horse and fairy in the mouth, mate. Quit while you’re ahead!



but it will do just as nicely." He also loved the very sight of Lightning on the verge of tears. "Relax…!" he assured him "Your friends are perfectly safe, for the moment; inside the interior balloon of Big Blowout, but how long they remain safe is entirely up to you. Heh, heh, ah, ah, ah, ah…!"

Lightning could only gaze at the giant balloon wishing he could tell if his friends really were in there and if they were safe.

…

It was dark and pretty windy inside the huge balloon, but Krysta's glowing body made it brighter, and Brain has special miniature lights in his glasses on.



Crazy56U: Damn it; I knew it was too easy.

Svensvenderson: Will the dei ex machina never cease?!



"You okay, Brain…?" Krysta asked. "I am just fine, Krysta." Brain said, "But I fear we are in deep trouble. We try and escape from here. Who knows what is happening to Lightning out there?"

That's when they felt the monster sucking in more air which shook them all about inside.

…

Lightning was still hanging onto the tree, not willing to surrender. His friends were count on him, but he didn't what to do for them.



T_K_17: Oh, who cares? Friendship doesn’t matter, right?



"Just give it up…!" snarled Rep-Stallion "You have no choice. Your friends' lives are at stake!"



Svensvenderson: Right, because evil idiotic minions always tells the truth.



Lightning growled and groaned in attempt to hang on tight.



Svensvenderson: So far, Lightning’s plan is to hold on. I think we’ve covered that fairly well by now.



…

Inside, Brain and Krysta were blown around hard and were lying flat against the walls so they wouldn't jerk around so much. "There's too much air…!" cried Krysta "This balloon is really driving me crazy!"

But her words made Brain realize, "Air… Balloon…! By word, that's it!"



Svensvenderson: “Krysta, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

DiStort: “I think so, Brain. But are you sure mayonnaise isn’t an instrument?”



He explained to Krysta that there only one hope of them getting out and that was to pop a hole in the balloon from the inside where they were.



T_K_17: It took Krysta reminding you that you were in a balloon to realize that you should do something about the balloon. Okay.



"But how…?" asked Krysta "You said it was impossible to penetrate the fabric."



Svensvenderson: That sound you hear is the Chekhov's gun going off.



"No! I said… there is little chance. Meaning that there is a possibility." replied Brain and he reached behind him, "Luckily… I always keep my trusty miniature-drill for such emergencies." and he started drilling.



Svensvenderson: Because being swallowed by a monster created from your own invention is such a common occurrence.



…

Lightning didn't know how much longer he could last like this, or how much longer his friends would be safe, if they even were safe. "I'll never give into you, Rep-Stallion! NEVER…!"



Svensvenderson: “Until it’s time to use the big guns!”



Rep-Stallion growled and began to fire more blasts at him trying to force him to let go. Some of the blasts even hit him and they hurt!



Svensvenderson: Finally! Rep-Stallion has worse aim than a Stormtrooper.



"ARGH…! AH…! DON'T LET GO!" he kept shouting.

Rep-Stallion couldn't believe the determination Lightning was exhibiting, but he was growing angry. "I'll get you yet!" he thundered as he fired more shots.

"ARGH… G'UGH…!"



Crazy56U: Out-of-context, this seems to have taken a disturbing turn, if ya catch my drift.

…

Krysta could swear she could hear Lightning suffering from outside. "Time's running out, Brain…! Hurry!" she screamed.

"All right…!" Brain called "I think I'm… nearly… through, but this… fabric is stronger than I thought!"



DiStort: Which is odd, considering he made the dumb thing.



…

This was it! The monster was still sucking in air, and Rep-Stallion had lost all patience.



Svensvenderson: As have we.



"Be prepared!" he thundered as he readied himself for one final, really big shot… when suddenly the monster began to vibrate violently.



Svensvenderson: This was a new sensation to him, and he loved it!



"Hey! Hey! What's going on… ? HEY…!"

POW! A huge hole popped right through the monster's body for sucking in so much air, and Brain's drill finally breaking through. The monster took over blowing around as the air escape knocking Rep-Stallion off and down to the ground hard. Krysta and Brain were set free, but they didn't exactly have a smooth landing.

"Ouch…!"

"Oh…! I say!"

Lightning fell flat on the ground, bruised and hurt from being hit so much, he looked in bad shape, and so did the monster. It looked like a squeezed out tube of toothpaste, and couldn't even stand. "My monster!" growled Rep-Stallion! "This can't be happening…!"



DiStort: Oh, quit acting surprised.

chaossorcerer: Would someone send Titan and his henchmen the "Evil Overlord list"?



A golden glow of light forced him to turn round. "Huh…?"

Lightning, despite his injuries managed to stand up and was summoning his great power…



Crazy56U: Holy crap... I just realized something. If he wants to remake “Friendship is Magic”, why did he have this believing crap instead of having the characters use guns?! Wouldn’t that make things more tolerable?!?

Wild Trotter: I’ve been thinking that since part ONE of this thing.



"Magic is believing…

Believing is right

I summon the magic,

In this mystical light…!"

Lightning took great aim, and as Rep-Stallion began to run away Lightning unleashed the "…UNIFORCE!" His blast soared in Rep's direction and just barely missed him, knocking him out!



Svensvenderson: Quick! Get ‘em while he’s down!



"UGH-AAH…!" and continued forward striking the monster, destroying it in an explosion and dissolve the magic…

WHAAAOM!

WHAAAOM!





Crazy56U: Oh pipe down, will ya? I heard you the first time.

DiStort: Hey, Sound Effects Guy is trying as hard as he can on such a low budget! There’s no reason to be mean!

Crazy56U: I wasn’t trying to... but it’s so damn loud!



"NO...!" shouted Rep



Svensvenderson: He regained consciousness awfully fast.



"No! What went wrong?"



DiStort: Well, let’s get the checklist out here...



he then angrily turned to face Lightning, who by now was very weak and sore. "No running this time…!" he growled as he gripped his scythe and charged forward, "I'm going to get you ONCE AND FOR ALL…!"

"LIGHTNING…!" screamed Krysta.



Crazy56U: “STOP BEING AN IDIOT!!!”

DiStort: Of him, you ask the impossible.



"GET OUT OF THERE…!" but Lightning could barely move after all he had been through and using the uniforce too. Rep-Stallion continued to run forward ready to strike, when he was suddenly halted by the sudden appearance of a force-field. "AAAHH…!"

Everyone was confused, until the roaring sound of Titan's angry voice was heard. "REP… STALLION…! I think you've done quite enough! You are coming back here immediately!"



chaossorcerer: No dessert for you this evening!

Svensvenderson: Titan, I think speak for everypony everywhere, when I say YOU DUMB FUCK!



In a blazed glow of light followed by a scream, Rep-Stallion vanished.

"He's gone!" cried Krysta.

"Never mind that…" said Brain, "We must help Lightning."



DiStort: “Do we have to? Watching him squirm like that is kinda hypnotizing.”



…

Mysterious and Dementia were forced to watch Titan as he showed Rep-Stallion very little mercy by continuously shocking him with his stronger powers. He was raging with furry not only by Rep-Stallion's insubordination, but that he almost destroyed Lightning Daw, the key element to his success and he needed to be alive.



T_K_17: What? The main character who will doubtlessly be instrumental in defeating you? Oh yeah, wouldn’t want to hurt him.



"I warn you, Rep-Stallion!" fumed Titan "If you ever… ever… EVER run off to spring a plan without my clarifications again, I will not be as mercy on you as I am being now! DO YOU UNDERSTAND…?"



DiStort: Titan is a stickler for proper procedure and paperwork.



Through all the pain and shocking Rep-Stallion acknowledged his master's warning.

…

Doctor Penny was summoned and she helped treat Lightning's injuries. "There! All better…?" she asked.



T_K_17: Penny: “Bandages fix everything!”

Lightning: “But what about my aching hear-”

Penny: “Everything!”



"Apart from being incredibly exhausted. I'll be fine." Lightning said.

Krysta and Brain were very relieved, but Lightning felt just awful. "I'm sorry I destroyed your balloon, Brain."

Brain shook his head "My dear fellow… The important thing is that everyone is safe, and that's all that matters to me." He was most sympathetic.



Crazy56U: Secretly, he’s quietly planning on how he’s going to kill Lightning and steal his screen time.

DiStort: Shouldn’t be that hard. He could probably just lure him into a box with a cookie or something.



Right now it was strongly suggested that Lightning rest, he had taken quite a beating, despite being just healed.

"Oh, Lightning…" Krysta sighed softly as her friend slept "I don't know what we'd do without you."



Chaossorcerer: Lines like that indicate an upcoming "It’s A Wonderful Life" episode.

Crazy56U: Without Lightning, this would be slightly more tolerable.

...

(In The Grand Ruler's Palace)

Grand Ruler: "Poor Lightning… he really took a beating this time,



Svensvenderson: And that’s terrible.



but it cannot be ignored that he was only trying to hang on for the sake of his friends. His courage and determination make me proud to call him my student."



Wild Trotter: WE call him doormat extraordinaire.



"And all of you out there, there are many ways to show your own determination, but you really should never risk it as much as Lightning did all the time.



Svensvenderson: Risk what? He hung onto a tree until his “friends” did the hard work, and then swooping in the finish the thing off.



It can be fatal to you, and or someone you know or care about, but determination and courage are two very powerful forms of magic we all have, and they can never truly be taken from us."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"



Crazy56U: I’m sorry. I can’t believe. This fan-fic robbed me of the ability to have a soul.

Chaossorcerer: Good. Now let despise fill your heart and mock this fanfic with all you’ve got.

Crazy56U: Okay. Might as well: we’re in the home stretch... which calls for a GOOD song:



♫We’re not gonna take it!

No! We ain’t going to take it!

We’re not gonna take it, anymore!♫



RingmasterJ5: Home stretch? My, Crazy, it seems like you’ve forgotten that this fanfic is still being updated. We’re only at least halfway through.

Crazy56U: (as song is still playing) That’s what I meant. It’s a long stretch, but a stretch none the less.

DiStort: Well, points for optimism, Crazy.

Wild Trotter: And I’m ready for it, anyday of the week. Wild Trotter out!

Svensvenderson: Well, one more chapter down. G’Night everypony!

DiStort: Hey! That’s my line!

T_K_17: Even count: 61





* * *





Author's Response



Mephy: Yay! "Author's Notes" are my favorite.



I cannot answer anonymous reviews (You'll have to find some other way to talk to me)

But I am not a brony, a closet brony, and don't want to be either.



DiStort: Despite how beneficial it would be to you.



Bronies are for FIM… not my MIB.



T_K_17: FiM fans are called “Bronies”. MiB fans are called “Dakari-King Mykan”.

Crazy56U: You already done enough damage by redoing “Friendship is Magic”. Please keep “Men in Black” out of this.



I have my reasons for not wanting to watch FIM, and make this fic, but I can't explain it here.



Wild Trotter: There’s no need to explain, Author. Your author’s notes from the first episode pretty much spoke for themselves.

Svensvenderson: Let’s rock and roll, gentlemen!

Crazy56U: Fine. (reaches for a beer... then decides against it) ...you know what? (throws out cooler) Let’s be a masochist today.



EPISODE TEN

(Part One)

Today was a very special, very important day for Rainbow City.



Wild Trotter: It’s the Grand Ruler’s “special time” I presume. *shivers*

Svensvenderson: Let me guess, they’re going to have a pride parade?

Crazy56U: Unless “Rainbow City” is like “Rainbow Road”, and the main characters get run over by go-karts, I don’t care.



The Grand Ruler was coming to visit after making his annual inspection on the entire kingdom



DiStort: If the kingdom didn’t pass inspection, he would blow it all up and start it over.



to see things were running right,



Svensvenderson: And that the trains were on time.



and that damages caused by battles were repaired, and to see if all the unicorns were fine and well.



Wild Trotter: The unicorns that didn’t flee this excuse-of-a-kingdom, anyway.

T_K_17: So your dear leader is just to walk around looking at things? Who wants to read about that?



He also made sure to always visit Rainbow City and stay for at least one night the local resort, the Rainbow Ride Hotel.



Mephy: Rooms rented by the hour.

Wild Trotter: Why not throw in Rainbow Pot Casino while you’re at it?

Disco: Or how about Rainbow Road? I love that track!

Svensvenderson: “Rainbow Ride Hotel”? *facehoof*

Crazy56U: Well... it could end up being like “Hotel California”... I hope.



The entire city was bustling about to prepare for his majesty's arrival. Lightning was head coordinator and assigned everyone their tasks.



Wild Trotter: With deserters quietly slipping away while he isn’t looking.



Cookie Dough was busy preparing the biggest feast the unicorns would eat for dinner, but still found time to prepare small lunches for everyone during their break.



Svensvenderson: Lightning must have lent some of his Mary Sue powers.



"This is going to be the greatest feast I've ever made." He kept saying to himself.



Disco: It’s also the only feast he’s ever made.

Wild Trotter: “Even Krysta might find her meal...uplifting.”

Svensvenderson: “PB&J sammiches for everyone!”



Artie,



Disco: THE STRONGEST MAN... IN THE WORLD!

DiStort: You forgot the little (crack) sound effect.



Buddy Rose, and Rhymey were in charge helping to decorate the town.



T_K_17: They even made a banner that said “Welcome Grand Ru”.



They couldn’t fit it all in.



Streamers and balloons… Buddy Rose even aligned them with some of his finest white and red roses.



Svensvenderson: It’s good to know the mighty decorations and flowers have formed an alignment.

Disco: Pony Feng Shui. Serious business.



"Beautiful…" he remarked.

"It may be beautiful, that is true,

But we all still have much to do." said Rhymey.



Wild Trotter: “In fact, I heard that some speak of this G3. However, I have also heard that in there, we shall finally be free. Free of this blasted rhyming schtick.”

DiStort: Buddy: “Just shut up and help me, you annoying dick.”

Crazy56U: Rhymey... (pulls out a staple gun) Do I need to shut your trap?



"He's right…" said Artie "Let's get moving."

Lightning assigned Krysta and Starla with the best task,



Disco: Leaving early?



entertainment for the big part that night, and the girls wasted no time in hiring Abra Kadabra to be one of the main performers. "This will be my greatest performance." Abra said with pride.



Wild Trotter: Abra: “Don’t forget to show off your magic...jugs to the stallions.”



Krysta: “Eww...”



The girls were also tasked with helping to decorate the hotel lobby for the party.



Svensvenderson: You know, woman’s work.

DiStort: Has anyone else noticed that the gender ratio of this place is almost completely opposite to Equestria’s?

T_K_17: My Little Sausage Fest: Believing is Homoerotic



Lightning really loved how everything was going. "As Brain would probably say…" then he imitated Brain's voice. "Satisfactory…! Most Satisfactory…!"



Wild Trotter: Brain would cut your heart out with a spoon for that travesty.

Anon13: When he does, please film and upload it so we can add a laugh track.



"This is going to be such an amazing party." Krysta giggled with excitement



Wild Trotter: “...If only my boobs weren’t balloons, that is.”



Starla fluttered over to the large record-player, "And what's a party without a little music." She started a record and played a disco theme song. Everyone got into the groove and worked to the music, even Lightning.



Disco: They’re sullying my good name! Damn them.

Wild Trotter: 70’s porno music... Hmmm..... *shudders* Erm...nevermind.

Svensvenderson: Seriously, disco? It’d be more appropriate on an 8 track player.

Crazy56U: (pulls out a bottle of “Brain Bleach”) I hate you guys. (chugs the bottle)

T_K_17: Mykan somehow made these multi-colored ponies as white as Weezer fans in a snowstorm.



Dyno and Myte were tasked with another one of the best jobs- the fireworks display.



DiStort: Oh, goody. Burrito and Taco here get to be recurring characters.



"Esso Es…!" cried Dyno "This is going to be so wonderful, Si." added Myte.



Wild Trotter: Ugh... I’ll let someone else do a spanish stereotype joke.

Svensvenderson: “Spanish stereotype joke.”

Disco: Yo quiero Taco Bell.



Being explosive experts, they knew how to make the most awesome fireworks that would ever be seen.



Wild Trotter: One such firework, unknown to them, was an atom bomb in disguise.

Svensvenderson: We’d never be that lucky.



They even ran a few demonstrations with just their smallest works. Everyone cheered for joy, and couldn't wait for the big show.



Wild Trotter: The mysterious resistance, however, saw that as a signal to escape the regime as quickly as possible.

Svensvenderson: The residents of Unicornicopia are easily amused.



There was, however, only one individual who was not very keen on all this,



Disco: Aside from the readers?



and that was Inquerius when she came to the hotel to see how things were coming herself. "What is all this…?" she shouted,



Disco: A common reaction to this story.

Crazy56U: Wrong. At no point was a swear said.



but no one seemed to hear her over the loud music and the preparations until she stopped the record-player, causing everyone to eye her. "Did you not hear me? What is all of this…? Are you not aware that The Grand Ruler is coming?"



Wild Trotter: “In fact, if he does nothing to help us stop the evil, why should we even be here?”



Everyone looked confused, and Lightning approached her. "Of course we know. That's why we're preparing this celebration party in honor of his visit."



DiStort: He can’t be disappointed if he already expects low effort.



Inquerius had the look of a strict school teacher at that remark. "Surely you don't expect that all this is what his majesty will enjoy?"



Svensvenderson: “I do expect GR will enjoy it, and don’t call me Shirley.”



she asked "Have you put no thought into your planning?"



Wild Trotter: “On second thought, mind if I...join in on the real plan?”



Lightning was more confused than ever



Svensvenderson: I fail to see how that’s possible.



as he gazed back at all the things he and his friends had done. "What's wrong with it?"



DiStort: The party or the story? Cause I’ve got checklists for both.



Through her complicated way of speaking in questions,



T_K_17: i.e. Mykan is too lazy to figure out how to write this part in dialogue.



Inquerius explained that the Grand Ruler was a very proud and respected creature,



Svensvenderson: Respected by whom?!

Crazy56U: His imaginary friends! Duh!



the legendary Tri-Horned Alicorn, the ruler of all of Unicornicopia, the one who saved everyone from Titan centuries ago, and Lightning's teacher.



Svensvenderson: Never heard of him.

Anon13: He also won last year’s belching contest with that amazing rendition of “I Touch Myself”.



A well respected and royal creature such as him would never approve of such frivolous trivialities!



Wild Trotter: Deep down, however, she is starting to realize that the serial numbers are not even remotely making sense, much like the rest of this story...but she might be getting ahead of herself there.



Through her questions, she implied that there should not be any loud dancing music, the place should have been decorated with fancy things like chandeliers and statues, and they should amuse themselves with serious conversation instead of childish games and entertainment.



Wild Trotter: By serious conversations, she meant ones involving the overall ineffectiveness of the “Grand Ruler” and his regime.

Svensvenderson: Inquerius is a buzzkill.

DiStort: Or a Nazi, depending on your perspective.



Abra felt hurt to be called childish, but Lightning completely disagreed with Inquerius,



Svensvenderson: And therefore correct.



so did everyone else, but seeing as she was very insistent, were prepared for such an emergency and managed to quickly redo everything so it was as posh and classic as Inquerius,



DiStort: Apparently Inquerius is now our Rarity counterpart.



everyone one else was also groomed and forced to wear fancy dress outfits instead of their armor and regular uniforms.



Wild Trotter: Inquerius: *thinking* “Ugh, I definitely need a name change once I move out of this intellectual cesspit.”



Krysta was even told to do her long hair up high in a bun. "I feel ridiculous!"



Disco: Just like this fanfic.

Anon13: Yeah, but the fanfic actually is ridiculous.



she grumbled.

"But do you look appropriate for the festivities?" asked Inquerius.



T_K_17: Krysta: “I dunno. You tell me.”

Inquerius: “I...er...uhh... dammit?”



Krysta didn't bother to answer.



Wild Trotter: Krysta: “At least I don’t have to inflate my boobs again... Hopefully.



…

Titan and his minions had been observing all this,



T_K_17: From where? Are they right outside? Wouldn’t someone notice them? Or are they viewing this remotely from a distance? In which case why haven’t we seen them use this power before? When did I turn into Inquerius?



and when they learned that The Grand Ruler was going to appear, "The time has come…"



Anon13: the walrus said, “to talk of many things... of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, of cabbages and kings...”



hissed Titan "After all these ages, do I finally get a chance to take my revenge on the one who imprisoned me."



Wild Trotter: “And finally, after all is said and done...I need a vacation.”



The minions had never seen their master so excited before.



Svensvenderson: No comment.



"Tell us, Lord Titan…" asked Mysterious "What are we going to do and when…?"



Wild Trotter: “In fact, how about we take the bastard down ASAP and get this whole thing over with?”



Titan sniggered "Patience, Mysterious…in due time all will be made clear."



Wild Trotter: “And finally, the unicorns are losing faith in their incompetent ruler.”



Dementia couldn't decide how to pretty up. "If I'm going to a party, I may as well look like I'm ready." she teased.



DiStort: Who is she teasing? Herself? I never realized Dementia had such low self-esteem.



Rep-Stallion merely sharpened his staff,



Svensvenderson: *snicker*

T_K_17: *snigger* (ftfy)



"And think of all those yummy goodies we can eat!"



DiStort: Truly a man of priorities, this one.



He was so excited at the very thought of all the food he almost drooled.

As for Mysterious he couldn't wait to begin. He was so confident of their ultimate victory, he was looking forward to the party they would have to celebrate it.



Wild Trotter: Though by then, many unicorns would have long since fled to the mysterious world known as “G3”, making it crystal-clear why they would rather not stick around for the battle.



As for Titan, he just relaxed and continued to watch. "Enjoy your little party, my foes." He hissed "Because I guarantee that it shall be the last one… THAT YOU EVER HAVE!"



Wild Trotter: “AND MAY NIGHTMARE MOON DANCE ON YOUR GRAVES!!!”

Drizzel: Is it sad that I’m rooting for the villains?

Anon13: Not when the "Heroes" are this lame.



the rest was drowned out in the echoes of his evil laugh.

…

Before long, the red carpet was rolled out, and everyone was gathered outside to await the arrival.



Wild Trotter: Some dissenters, very unwillingly forced to do so.



Soon the sky was glistening with a mystical light as a golden path seemed to reach down from above. The royal guards came soaring along the path way and landing on the edging like a fence path. Then, from far down the path, something like a shooting star came soaring down the way, and… BLING!



Svensvenderson: No, I’m sorry, “bling” is not a sound effect.



There he was… Everyone stared in awe.



Wild Trotter: Well, everyone still loyal to the regime, anyway.

DiStort: Both of them.



Those great gold Pegasus wings flapping gently as he descended, his royal red cape fluttering in the breeze, his very short, dark mane, and his long dark tail, sparkling like stars, and his horns… his three golden horns shimmering in the light.



Anon13: Which stunningly set off his lime-green leisure suit and crocs.

Svensvenderson: I think someone has a crush on GR.

DiStort: Considering Mykan wrote the character, this has horrifying and sickening implications.



Some of the girl unicorns were practically falling in love, nevertheless, everyone bowed graciously.



Wild Trotter: Those same dissidents silently groaning angrily as they bowed as well.



He bowed back in greeting. "Greetings my subjects." he said "I cannot begin to describe how honored I am to be back in Rainbow City."



T_K_17: GR: “Minimally. Whoa, that was easier than I expected!”



Then he saw a familiar face, "Ahh… Lightning…"



DiStort: “What the hell are you still doing here?”



His apprentice stepped forward and bowed again, "Your majesty! I'm so glad you're here too. We all are!"

"Ahem…!" muttered Inquerius, as she tapped her hove



T_K_17: Inquerius: “Er... I mean... Ahem?”



and gave Lightning a look telling him to act right. As annoyed as Lightning was,



Svensvenderson: He acted left just to piss her off.



he straightened out and asked his master, in a gentlemanly way. "Shall I take your belongings to your on the top floor?"



DiStort: There’s that usual chore monkey attitude.



"Oh, that won't be necessary." said Grand Ruler. He then turned to face the guards holding his only two suitcases. He closed his eyes, and his three golden horns began to glow as the suitcases began to float up, up, up, and into the air all the way up the hotel to the terrace of the top floor where his room was.



Anon13: Guards’ thoughts: “Where the hell was that when we were loading this thing?!?”



Everyone applauded in astonishment, and Grand Ruler took a bow. "Thank you!"



Disco: “I’m here all week! Now for my next trick...”



he said, and then after ordering his guards to stand watch, "Now then, shall we go inside?"

The unicorns lead him into the lobby. Inquerius Lightning and Krysta were still outside. "Are you happy now, Inquerius?" Lightning asked annoyingly.

Inquerius simply smiled, "Is it not apparent that I am?



Svensvenderson: Yes! No! Pass!



Perhaps his majesty is already complimenting on such a wonderful and righteous display we have set for him?"



DiStort: Actually, he’s just wondering when this’ll be over with so he can go home and have a joint.



Suddenly, the booming sound of that disco music was heard. "Gee… that doesn't sound like it to me." said Krysta. Inquerius looked very angry, "I thought I had said… no loud music?"



Disco: You did. No one cared.

DiStort: And you didn’t say it, you asked it. Don’t give options if you want someone to do something.



As they all stomped in, Inquerius was about to apologize to the Grand Ruler, only to see to her shock, but Lightning and Krysta's amusement…



Wild Trotter: Unfortunately, her boobs had blimped up once again.



He was actually dancing to the music with several of the others, and seemingly enjoying it. "Well, what do you know." chuckled Lightning. "I think he's really enjoying himself."



Svensvenderson: Well, with sufficient inebriation, disco can be a pleasurable experience.



added Krysta.

Inquerius felt so confused, "Am I seeing…? What is…?"



Anon13: Inquerius.exe has crashed. Please reboot the story.

RingmasterJ5, months later: No, you fool! Look at what you’ve done! Now it’s a FiM ripoff...IN SPACE! That’s even worse!



then in a blinding rage she stopped the music again shouting "WILL YOU ALL STOP WITH THIS NONSENSE?"



Disco: Yes, can we end the story? Please?!



Everyone, even Grand Ruler seemed annoyed. "Really, Inquerius…" he said as he walked over to her "Is this any way to behave when there is a guest?" he restarted the music. "Join the party. Have some fun."

"But… But I…?"



T_K_17: GR: “Look, Inquerius, I know you’re upset they have no dubstep. I am too, but we have to make do with what we got.”

DiStort: “Either have fun or go to the moon. Your choice, kid.”



Lightning and Krysta smiled. Lightning removed his bow tie, and Krysta let her hair loose. "You heard him, Inquerius. Let's go." Lightning said as he and Krysta joined in the dancing, much to Inquerius disbelief.



T_K_17: Inquerius was later hung for her refusal to believe.



More dancing happened



Mephy: It just happened.

Svensvenderson: Many chickens became funky.



then it was time for Abra's magic show. He was really magnificent, and when he asked for a volunteer to help him with one of his tricks, the Grand Ruler offered to be just that.



Svensvenderson: Make him disappear and never come back!

Isphone: Saw him in half!



Abra put the Grand Ruler in a box, and supposedly slashed him with swords,



DiStort: Well, a well-placed sniper round usually does the job, but whatever works, I guess.



only to find the box was empty,



Svensvenderson: To thunderous applause.



and when Abra resealed the box and opened it again, Grand Ruler was just fine, and he didn't even use his own magic to escape the box himself.



T_K_17: Actually he did. He said he didn’t so Abra would feel better about himself.



Inquerius felt disgusted and apologized to the Grand Ruler "Will you forgive us for the appalling act that Abra just forced you to do?"

Abra felt annoyed. "I… did not force his majesty to do anything."

The Grand Ruler confirmed it, "I wanted to do that, and it was fun."

Inquerius was speechless!



Wild Trotter: Taking advantage of the distraction, many more secretive rebels amongst the Grand Ruler’s ranks began to haul ass outta there.



As the day turned to night and the arty



Svensvenderson: Well, the decorations could be considered art, I guess.



went on, the Grand Ruler proved to be fun, and exciting. Especially when it came to games he enjoyed playing with the others, and what surprised everyone else, especially Inquerius, was The Grand Ruler's favorite gave was hopscotch.



DiStort: Um... I got nothing.

T_K_17: If you want to understand, just watch this. Then hang yourself.



Several hopscotch mats were laid out on the floor and everyone had loads of fun playing.



Svensvenderson: I’ll say it again, the residents of Unicornicopia are easily amused.



Some hopped on all-fours; others jumped only using their hind legs while standing upright and tall.



Svensvenderson: “The proper way.”



After Starla went she asked if Grand Ruler wanted a turn. His majesty smirked, "Not only would I… but I'll show you all something special for being so wonderful for me tonight."



mephistopheles2.0: The little ruler.



Everyone's attention turned to the center of the lobby as the Grand Ruler took his position, and tossed his cape off and to the side.



Svensvenderson: It was immediately thrown back.



He stood up right on his hind legs and stretched a little. Then the music to Pop-goes-the-weasel began to play as he softly leapt across the spaces all the way to the end of the board, and then slowly hopped back again.



Svensvenderson: AMAZING!

DiStort: We are among a hopscotch GOD.



Everyone couldn't understand what was so special, until Grand Ruler used a little of his own magic to activate all the disco lights, make the same song play in a remixed disco-like style.



T_K_17: It was then they realized that by “special” he meant “special ed”.



He winked to everyone and then began hopping across the board in a dancing style. He leapt, twirled, and even flipped out to the music as he hopped across the board and back several times, and when he finished, the entire lobby echoed with applause.



Svensvenderson: “And the crowd goes wild.”

Svensvenderson: “Yay.”



Who knew he was such a fine dancer? his made everyone else want to try it.



Mephy: Funny that, it made me want to die.

Disco: Wow, I didn’t think this story could get any worse. Thank you, author.

…

Titan's minions stayed hidden in the shadows so not to be caught by the guards or by the searchlights.



Wild Trotter: Some guards, however, ended up giving said minions the slip instead, being fed up with being incapacitated repeatedly by them.

T_K_17: Titan’s tendency to break out into evil laughter at inopportune moments made avoiding detection especially difficult.



From the smell of things, dinner had been served. "Can't we go now?" groaned Rep-Stallion.



Disco: He’s clearly speaking for the audience.



"I just have to get at that food."

"Stay here…!" snapped Dementia.

"Our orders were to wait for Lord Titan's signal." added Mysterious. "We wait until the fireworks go off, and then… the real party begins."



Wild Trotter: Dementia: “It’s a shame those already fleeing will miss out on our...private party.”



Mysterious: “Maybe that booby fairy will have her share of the fun.”



…

Cookie Dough's feast was spectacular. The food was so wonderful; nobody could stop eating, even if they already consumed their fill.



Svensvenderson: Perhaps they could eat a wafer thin mint?

Mephy: Believing is "Se7en".



"Ahh…! A most excellent feast..." Grand Ruler sighed heavenly "My most humble compliments to you, Cookie Dough."

Cookie Dough felt shy. "Your majesty is too kind."



DiStort: Hiding his devilish smirk and glancing at the empty bottle of rat poison he hid in the corner.



Grand Ruler meant what he said, he was proud of everyone for their own special talents,



Svensvenderson: As exemplified by their serial numbers.

DiStort: If Krysta had a serial number, it would be 5318008.



especially Lightning for helping to keep their world a safer place from Titan and his henchmen.

Inquerius still was confused and decided to ask. "These things all so common, and typical, yet you enjoy them?"



DiStort: “Zey are not fit for mein Fuhrer!”



Grand Ruler nodded, "Why shouldn't I?"

This was a question everyone wondered. The Grand Ruler was happy to explain that even though he was royalty, he too enjoyed the pleasure of having good old fashioned fun.



Svensvenderson: Circa 1910.



As the Grand Ruler, he was always extremely busy always carrying on with his duties, maintaining the balance of nature, and watching over the kingdom.



Svensvenderson: And he’s doing such a bang up job too!



He hardly ever got to have too much time to relax. "Besides… in many ways I am just like all of you here, and you are just like me."



DiStort: Aside from the fact that they aren’t.



Many of the others didn't understand how they, small and practically in-training unicorns were just like their powerful and wise ruler. "I'll show you..." he chuckled.



T_K_17: “my Pokemans.”



That's when a song began, and he leapt out from his seat to the center of the floor, but a lot of the others added their own sayings to the song.

(Simpsons: "I'm checkin' in" style but with my own stuff too)



Disco: *Facehoofs*

Wild Trotter: *groans* A Simpsons song, too? Seriously!? And the author had to go and butcher the lyrics as well. That’s...just...great!

Mephy: This is the musical from hell.



(Lightning)

You bring night and day and make sure it goes right

(Krysta)

You have three gold horns, and are so strong with might

(Buddy Rose and Artie)

You've mastered magic that we've yet to learn

(Rhymey)

And you can do other things, a feeling we all yearn.

(Dyno)

So how can you say you are just like all us…

(Myte)

When we are all subjects, and you're known and FA-MOUS…!



T_K_17: Well, it’s quite simple, really. You see, the one and most important thing you all have in common is that you are all TERRIBLE.



…

The Grand ruler just smiled and began to sing and dance…



T_K_17: GR: “I love all of you

Hurt by the cold

So hard and lonely too

When you don't know yourself”



…

(Grand Ruler)

I'm just like you!

(We're just like you…?)

I'm just like you!

(Just like- Just like you…?)



True I may be big and tall

But we're alike after all

It's not a joke and it's no gall

I'm just like you

…

He leapt about, dancing and twirling, and everyone began to join him. That was one of his examples. He could dance and so could they.



Svensvenderson: If there is a God, then he’s a dick for letting this happen.



…

I can dance, play games and kick.

You can too, it's no real trick.

(Sees them dancing and catches one of them)

I see you got it. Pretty slick…

I'm just like you.

We have wings and we can fly

Seeing sights from in the sky…

You can do it, and so can I

I'm just like.

(We're just like you…!)

…

As the song and dance continued, Dyno and Myte added some excitement by starting their fireworks show.



Svensvenderson: Two ponies were killed, and several more were wounded.



The pretty colors and lights of the flares really made that party the best anyone had ever been too…

The fireworks also alerted Titan's minions. "There's signal."



Disco: MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.



hissed Mysterious, "Let's go…!"

Everyone inside was too distracted by the song to really notice…



T_K_17: The Grand Ruler fucks up everything. Like mentor, like student.



…

I'm just like you.

(We're just like you)

I'm just like you.

(We're just like you)



T_K_17: (We’re dead inside like you)



(Lightning)

I've no magic, this is true

In many ways I'm not like you.

(Krysta)

And I'm not a unicorn too

But there are things we both can do

(Grand Ruler)

Now you see it clear and through

We're all different in a way or two

But in another view...

(ALL)

...Just like you!

I'm/we're just… like… YOU…!

…

Right at the end of the song, all the lights went out!



Disco: Their singing was that bad.



Everyone else panicked, and struggled to get the torches lit again. That's when Titan's minions shattered the glass window-walls and burst in to crash the party.



Svensvenderson: Party crashers. Geddit? Oh please kill me now.



They tipped over the tables, wrecked the displays, and even used the torches to set things on fire.



Wild Trotter: Thinking about all this, why is Titan even bothering with all that “Bond Villain” crap? Why didn’t he just actually try to KILL that asinine “ruler” once he was powerful enough right then and there? Maybe I’m missing...no, I’m not.



The worst part was a terrible storm breaking out and lightning was striking all across skies and strong winds picked up.



T_K_17: That was far worse than the three criminals running around murdering random horses.



Then all went silent as he appeared in the center of the lobby and his minions joined him by his side.

"Titan…!" growled Lightning

Titan laughed deeply. "Let the party commence."



DiStort: FEAR MY STALE CORN CHIPS!



To Be Continued…



Svensvenderson: You rat bastard. Just let it end!



Author's notes:

When the Grand Ruler does his hopscotch dance, go on YouTube and see "Today's Special-Games" you'll see what inspired me for that and it's also why I made my unicorns anthropomorphic so they can dance like that and do other things.



DiStort: Right... “other things”...





Author's explanation:

To those who still wonder why I'm making this fic… look at the latest entry on my Author's page, the answer is there.



Wild Trotter: At this point, I don’t even care why you even bother writing this thing in the first place. Then again, I didn’t really care to begin with either.

DiStort: I kinda care, but mostly out of scientific curiosity.



EPISODE ELEVEN

(Part Two)

A brief silence went by and Titan finally sniggered. "So, Grand Ruler… we meet again after all this time."



T_K_17: GR: “Stop sniggering, Titan! That’s racist!”



The Grand Ruler narrowed his eyes in dismay. "Just what is it you want here, Titan?"

Titan sniggered again, "You didn't honestly think I had forgotten what you did to me all those centuries ago?



Svensvenderson: “You stole my Legos!”



The way you crushed my dreams and everything I hoped to obtain…"



Wild Trotter: “Such as the probability of me being taken seriously as a villain?”



The other unicorns felt confused,



Wild Trotter: Some of them outright face-hoofed in dismay.

Svensvenderson: Joining everyone reading the fic.



mainly because a lot of them… even Lightning and Krysta didn't really know the full story about Titan. "I will show you…" Titan said as he clapped his hands together, creating a wave of shadows…



Svensvenderson: Incoming flashback!



Suddenly, everyone was seeing images in the past life of strange dimension that nobody recognized.



DiStort: That is one of the least coherent sentences I’ve ever read.



A dimension where many forms of dark magic were conjured or practiced by so many different beings- One would say this was very nerve center of where all the evil in the dimensional universe had its beginnings.



T_K_17: The land of Hogwarts as imagined by fundamentalist Christians.



"What is this place?" asked Lightning.



Disco: A wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Anon13: If only.



Everyone looked all over, but soon the images began to show the story of a small boy.

This boy was small and rather clumsy as well.



Mephy: Author insertion alert! Author insertion alert!

Anon13: In that case, replace "boy" with "douchebag".



He couldn't seem to do anything right,



Disco: Like whoever wrote this.

Wild Trotter: I could pull a better story outta my ass.



not even perform the simplest spells that even an infant could probably master. Many of the people and creatures of the other dimensions would always laugh at and ridicule the boy. Even his own parents highly disapprove of his bumbling and threatened to disown their own son for being such a disgrace to the Dimension of Evil.



Wild Trotter: If not the clumsiness, it must’ve been just the name then.

Svensvenderson: You know, when you call it “the Dimension of Evil”, it kinda gives away the plot twist.

Anon13: Not to mention screwing over the property values something fierce.



The small boy tried with all his might, but in the end, he was only able to master a absorption spell, which soon proved not to be so bad after all, because after being continuously being ridiculed and treated harshly by his people, the young boy decided to use the one magic he mastered to turn the tables on the inheritance of the entire dimension.



DiStort: Bucking politics, how do they work?



"Why work for something when you can take it…?" The boy treacherously plotted.

When the other creatures least expected it, the boy crept up from behind and used his absorption spell to drain his rival of all their magic and power they possessed and transferred it to himself,



DiStort: I have a feeling that if he tried that on someone with no magic in them at all (I.E. a pure physical fighter), all he would get in return is a fist in his teeth.



then using those powers to murder his rival to ensure secrecy of his plot.



Svensvenderson: Because how many people can drain other of magic?



Slowly, but surely more victims fell prey into the boy's trap, losing their powers to him and their lives.



T_K_17: So a young man who is mocked by everyone uses dark powers to kill them all. Projecting much?



The boy grew stronger, and stronger, and the more power he gained, the more he grew in body and size, eventually becoming an evil sorcerer, known as Titan!



Wild Trotter: Okay, after taking over the entire dimension of evil, why continue having those old memories?



…

Everyone was just plain shocked. "That… that boy was Titan?" cried Buddy Rose.



DiStort: No, that was actually Ted Turner. Titan just likes showing that to people.



"This is like some crazy book.

I'm so scared, I can hardly look!" cried Rhymey.



Mephy: Oh, they're reading "Sweet Apple Massacre"

RingmasterJ5: Nah, they just found their Ruler’s “special time diaries”.

Anon13: And realized it was a better story with more sympathetic protagonists.



The story continued with Titan continuously gaining power from his victim. "Now I am the one with all the power and magic! FEEL MY WRATH…!"



Disco: Spouting cliched lines is a side effect of his powers.



He made good on his saying



Svensvenderson: Whew, I was worried for a moment there.



by continuously ravaging until his entire home dimension had been reduced to a dark and desolate realm of ruin and misery.



Disco: So that’s where Past Sins comes from!



Since then, that world had become the Dimension of Darkness.



Wild Trotter: So he killed his own home dimension... That’s something an omnicidal maniac does, isn’t it?

Anon13: Or a cheesy melodrama villain. Same thing, really.



As for Titan… although overjoyed with his victory, this was not enough for him. He now desired more power, more energy. His wished for people to know his name and fear his power and wrath… to be forever known as the single, most powerful and magical being in the entire dimensional universe!



Wild Trotter: And giving Galactus a run for his money or being strong enough to take on Deathbringer Thanatos. Everyone knows Thanatos will obliterate his ass.

DiStort: Ooh. Especially if it’s the Thanatos from Persona 3 with the gigantic katana and the cape made of coffins. He’s awesome.



He traveled through the dimensional gateways spreading his darkness and chaos on many worlds. Many forces fought back valiantly, but could not overcome the relentless actions of the almighty sorcerer. Many dimension were conquered, and those within became prisoners to Titan and were forced to surrender their powers and energy to him making him stronger.



Wild Trotter: And keeping us readers happy by letting them riff the hell out of horrible pieces of fanfiction to their hearts’ content.



However, Titan had learned not to take their lives so easily as they were needed alive so that they would continuously supply him with more energy to increase his power.



Svensvenderson: The laws of thermodynamics, people.



Despite this, everyone whom Titan affected lived wallowing in despair, and powerless to stand up to him…



Wild Trotter: The serpent riders demolish the unbelievers, letting their faithful followers have all the more wonderful stuff as they grew more powerful.



Until, one day, when Titan decided to launch an all-out invasion on the dimensional kingdom



DiStort: I’m starting to think that the author doesn’t actually know what a “dimension” is.



that was Unicornicopa; home to one of the most mystical races known in the dimensional universe.



Wild Trotter: And also the blandest race in said universe.

DiStort: The race of sentient gray blobs of the 12th dimension take offense to that.

Anon13: Naah, I don’t think they’d bother.



The unicornicopians fought bravely but were seemingly doomed to suffer just as the rest, until The Grand Ruler, the Legendary Tri-Horned Alicorn, arose and unleashed the uniforce against Titan- relinquishing him of the magic he had squanderer over the years and sealing him in the Dimension of Darkness from when he came.



Svensvenderson: And then never do anything plot related again.



Thus, the victims of his cursed ways were free to rebuild and regain the lives that were taken from them.

With his powers diminished, Titan was unable to break the seal that bound him to his prison, and spent a millennium trapped in the darkness, but slowly learned how to regain his strength from the remains of his former home-world and converting the very darkness into the energy he needed to restore his power. He even created his minions from the shattered corpses and remains of the dead bodies of the world around him.

Mysterious, Rep-Stallion, and Dementia… were artificial unicorns made of the very darkness and source that was death and evil. They existed for one purposes and on only and that was to serve Titan and carry out his wishes.



Wild Trotter: And they have personalities of cardboard cutouts, to boot.

Disco: It must be part of the job description.

DiStort: You have to take a personality test and score extremely low to be eligible to join the henchman union.



Soon, Titan managed to break the seal that had kept him contained for all those ages, and returned to Unicornicopa to exact his revenge, that was when he first met Lightning Dawn, the Grand Ruler's new



Anon13: Mary Sue



apprentice who, for some reason, could not perform magic of his own, until it was discovered that he, too, call summon forth the unmistakable might of the uniforce.



Mephy: I'm seeing a Harry Potter bent in this fic.

Svensvenderson: I'm seeing a bent psyche in this fic.

Anon13: That’s the author.

Svensvenderson: “Write what you know.”



Titan realized if he was ever to conquer the unicorns, he would have to learn the secrets uniforce and overpower it, either by stealing the force by capturing Lightning, or increasing his power to a point beyond imagination.



DiStort: Or just shoot him in the head and be done with it.



That was why he sent his minions down to create monsters to attack the kingdom.



Svensvenderson: So it wasn’t just for the shits and giggles?



Seeing the unicorns in battle and mastering their every move and attack proved useful in his plot, and the best part of all, even if the monsters and minions failed in their mission Titan was still absorbing the energy emitted from the battle itself so he would get what he wanted either way, win or lose!



Wild Trotter: Way to spoil your whole plan, dumbass!



…

The unicorns were shocked to learn this. While their fighting did help to protect the kingdom, it only made Titan stronger.



T_K_17: So did everyone just stand there while Titan explained this whole thing?



The images faded and Titan chuckled deeply. "And now… here we stand after all this time." He hissed "Your only mistake was not finishing me off when you had the chance, Grand Ruler.



Svensvenderson: The very same mistake you’re making now by not just killing the idiot?



Now, your mistake shall be your undoing and the fall of your kingdom."

"I did what was necessary."



DiStort: No, you did what took the least amount of effort.



Grand Ruler said "I can understand why you felt the way you did… however… I could not stand by and let you torment the lives of innocent creatures.



T_K_17: He didn’t say your mistake was fighting him, but that you didn’t kill him when you had the chance, which has actually resulted in more innocent creatures getting tortured. Great job.



You fail to see the true meaning of magic, and that will always be your own key weakness!"



Wild Trotter: “Because I wrote the plot, genius, and the plot said so.”



Titan's eyes went redder than ever inside his hood. "I believe we have spoken FAR ENOUGH…!"



Disco: Yes, this pointless dialogue has lasted way too many pages.

Anon13: ITYM this pointless story.



he raised his hand and fired a huge blast of power. Grand Ruler leapt out of the way.



Disco: His special hopscotch technique saved him.



"EVERYONE OUT…!" he shouted, and the unicorns began to exit in such a rush, Titan warned his minions not to bother with them. "This time… it is personal."



Wild Trotter: “No! More! HORSESHIT!!!”



Before long, nearly every unicorn had left the building, but Lightning, and many of his friends remained,



Svensvenderson: Having no sense of self preservation.



and it was a good thing they had changed back into their armors when the party began.



T_K_17: Too bad Mykan just thought of this plot point now and was too lazy to go back and put it in earlier.



"I'm staying!" Lightning said.

"Me too." added Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “Don’t expect me to use my boobs as a distraction, perv!”



The others all nodded and stood ready for action. "Lightning…" Grand Ruler said "This is very dangerous, you may not be ready for such and ordeal." But his student insisted "It's like you always keep telling me. I just have to have faith, and believe… just like you."



Wild Trotter: Well, you got me there. *starts chugging beer*



His mentor smiled and nodded, and then everyone turned to face the evil ones. Lightning and friends were going to handle off the minions



DiStort: Was that a euphemism?



while Titan and The Grand Ruler decided to settle their score up in the dark and stormy skies since it was obvious that it was impossible to come to any reasoning with Titan.



Wild Trotter: Even more dissidents amongst the kingdom, wisely decide that they had enough of all this bullshit and leave for the G3 universe right when the big battle was just seconds away from beginning.



Lightning and friends were already at it.



Anon13: Bow chicka bow bow....



Buddy Rose and Arite went after Dementia. Rhymey battled Rep-Stallion with Dyno and Myte, leaving Lightning, Krysta and Starla to face Mysterious



T_K_17: Artie, meanwhile, had already gotten the hell out of Dodge.



Lightning grabbed a lit torch to serve as a weapon against the evil shadow. "You think I'm afraid of that?" Mysterious growled "You must be as brave as you are foolish."



Wild Trotter: “How about I just kill you and be done with this debacle?”



He charged forward, and the others scattered, and then lunged for him.

Rhymey's sword clashed with Rep's Scythe even more fiercely than when they had met. Dyno and Myte didn't dare use any explosive attacks inside the building,



Svensvenderson: Aw...



but they were able to use their special attack which they could only do together. They stood back to back, counted down… from three to one in Spanish,



Svensvenderson: Letting Rep know something was about to happen.



then "BOOM-BOOM BASH!" the leapt straight at Rep like being launched out of a canon and bashed right into him, sending him rolling across the floor.

"Is that the best you got…?" thundered Rep as he got back up.



Wild Trotter: “No, seriously. What kind of moronic attack is that? Boom-boom bash? Weeeeeeaaaaaaaak!”

DiStort: Dyno and Myte used Tackle! It’s not very effective...



Dementia was evading the attacks from the others perfectly, and she didn't even spoil her makeup- the result of so much time for preparing for this fierce battle, and her field warping was as strong as ever and blocked all the direct attacks waged against her.

"She's dodging us like we're moving in slow motion." growled Buddy-Rose.



Wild Trotter: “It’s the matrix all over again!”



"We have to keep on trying!" said Artie, "There has to be a way to get to her.

"Fat chance, boys…" Dementia teased as she fluttered her eyelids. This only annoyed the boys more.



Mephy: Someone has mommy issues.

Anon13: He can add them to the pile.

Wild Trotter: Artie: “Is she hitting on us? Oh...” *wingboner*

Buddy Rose: “Bow-chicka-wow-wow!” *wingboner*

Dementia: “Mmmm...come closer. Bring it to me.” *purrs seductively*

Titan: “Blast, the makeup has gone to her head again.” *facepalms*



…

High above the town, Titan and the Grand Ruler just floated at opposite ends form each other. "Now let's see if your magic is as powerful as you claim."

"As you wish…" sniggered Titan and he fired lightning bolts straight at his foe. Grand Ruler dodged most of them, and reflected the last ones by letting them hit and bounce off of his armor. Titan leaned to one side out of the way "Grr…!"

Grand Ruler then charged forward attempting to strike Titan, only for Titan to



Wild Trotter: Grab him by the horns, headbutt him, and do the granddaddy of all piledrivers as a finisher, with the castle very quickly crumbling down all around Titan as a result of the impact! Oh man I have never seen such a finisher to end the match with this side of the Abobo vs. The Amazon match!



evade his every attempt. Then he held his arms across like a defensive shield as Grand Ruler slammed right into him but was halted by a force field. The two struggled to force the other off, and managed to only deflect each other farther back.

"Ha, ha, ha… still, think I haven't improved?" Titan mocked

Now it was Grand Ruler's turn to laugh. "I never said your powers having improved…



Svensvenderson: Which is good, because your grammar sucks.



What haven't improved are your complete misguidance to the truth, and your lust and greed for power and order."

Titan's eyes glowed brightly. "SILENCE…!" and he charged up and fired a large wave of dark energy The Grand Ruler was barely able to dodge and his right hind leg was a little burned, but not too bad.



T_K_17: Third-degree burns heal themselves, right?



"You mock me? Just look at yourself!" snarled Titan "You yourself possess powers unlike any I have ever known which indeed entitles you to rule this dimension, yet you tell me that my struggle for greatness is futile?"

Grand Ruler quickly spun himself upright and fired a magical blast at Titan, hitting him good! "B'LARGH…!"



Svensvenderson: I think that’s a word in Klingon.

Anon13: It is. It means “This fanfic is withOUT honor!”



"You are mistaken as well as misguided,



Mephy: Offices located across from one another in the department of redundancy department.



Titan. A true leader is not decided by how powerful he is, but by



DiStort: “how much weed he can smoke in an hour. I’ve got a trophy and everything.”



those who faith and believe in his words, and those who choose to follow him."



Wild Trotter: Titan: “Those rebels fleeing their own home truly beg to differ. Seriously, though, what do you base such faith on, anyway?”

Isphone: Must be Raptor Jesus.



Titan still remained unfazed by those words, and the fight continued.

While down below, things were getting really serious between the smaller unicorns, and the minions. They had been brawling for a long time, and were starting to run low on power.



Svensvenderson: See what happens when you don’t plug your ponies in every night?



And strength, yet neither side were willing to give up.

"Why do you continue?" growled Mysterious "Just give up while we still have some patience left, and you may be spared!"



Wild Trotter: “Besides, we just want the plot to end already.”



"Never!" shouted Lightning "Maybe you should be the ones to give up!"



T_K_17: Lightning: “I mean, you haven’t beaten us once. Why should we fear you?”



"We won't let you, or your master, continue to treat innocent creatures like this." growled Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “And keep your stinkin’ hooves off my tits you damn dirty shades!”



The others all stomped their hooves in agreement.



DiStort: DO YOU FREAKS HAVE HOOVES OR HANDS?! MAKE UP YOU DAMN MINDS!



The minions and the unicorns glared each other down angrily, but then, a bright flare of light shone form above. Everyone looked up and could see both Titan and The Grand Ruler were shrouded in bright and dark lights.



T_K_17: “dark lights”. Okay, chief.



They were getting ready to hit each other with everything they had.

"You've left me with no other choice, Titan." Grand Ruler said with his three golden horns now shining almost as brightly as the sun

"Heh, heh, heh…! I've waited for this moment for a long, long time!" Titan chuckled as he was glowing as fearfully as the stormy skies above. "You're magic… your believing… and everything that you cherish… will avail you not!"



Wild Trotter: “And said faith being baseless will not help you at all!”



The two sides charged up as much as they could, and Grand Ruler recited his own magic chant…

"Cosmic forces as believing does grow

I summon the magic from the faiths I do stow



Unlock the magic form deep within,

So together shall the believing win



To banish the evil and make things right

I summon forth… THIS MYSTICAL LIGHT..!"

Titan roared loudly as he fired the biggest stream of dark energy he could even fire,



Disco: Which he should have done while Grand Ruler was doing that ridiculously long chant.



as Grand Ruler unleashed the "…UNIFORCE!" His was much brighter and stronger than Lightning's, which was expected as his mentor had three golden horns,



T_K_17: This made Lightning jealous and guilty of horn envy.



and his magic was far greater than many of theirs put together.



Svensvenderson: So GR is the true Mary Sue of this train wreck?

Anon13: Enough with the horns already! We get it! Three, ooooooooh, waow.



WHAMM! The two forces collided in the precise middle away from the two conjurers. Everyone watched from below and all were amazed and frightened to see so much magic being used all at once.

Titan was surprisingly making good on his threat. He was actually staving the uniforce back, "It's been fun, Grand Ruler, but now your time has run out."



DiStort: Should’ve put another quarter in the meter.



shouted Titan, and he began to charge more power into his magic, and very slowly began to force Grand Ruler's magic back towards him, the same way he did to Titan a millennium ago.

Grand Ruler couldn't believe this was happening,



T_K_17: HERETIC!



but he had to try harder. He concentrated as hard as he could… what he was fighting for, what he believed in… and all his faith. He managed to show a little force to hold it back, but not by enough… it was still moving towards him.



Disco: Ugh, I’m getting DBZ filler flashbacks.

Svensvenderson: There was non filler DBZ?



The minions cheered for their master, and decided to help him by planning to blast at Grand Ruler to weaken him so the fore would get him. "Oh, no, you don't…!" shouted Starla "STAR SHOWER…!"



DiStort: I’m not gonna lie, I completely forgot Starla was in this story until just now.



her blast stopped them before they could shoot, and the others began to fight off the minions again so they couldn't try anything, all except Lightning. He kept staring up at his master and watched him struggle. "I've got to help him somehow!"

For the first time, Krysta had her doubts and urged Lightning not to do it. "Just look up there…! I've never seen such force before. Who knows what could happen to you if you go up there?"



T_K_17: A scrabble game?



But Lightning flew off in any case shouting, "I have to try…!"

"LIGHTNING…!"

He continued to fly up, up, and up until he was by his master's side. "Lightning…! Go back!" Grand Ruler shouted,



mephistopheles2.0: And Titan's force surged forward killing them both because Lightning distracted The Grand Ruler. The End.



but his apprentice wouldn't and vowed to help him. He summoned the Rainbow Rod and tried with all his might to add to the power, "RAINBOW FORCE…!"

His magical force collided into Titan at the other end, but it caused him no harm whatsoever, all it did was make him stronger,



T_K_17: Just like last time. Wait, what?



which made his force counter the uniforce even harder "FOOL…!" he shouted "Even your pitiful rainbows are no match for me!



T_K_17: Titan: “NOT EVEN RAINBOWS CAN STOP ME NOW!”



YOU WILL FALL ALONG WITH YOUR MENTOR…!"



Wild Trotter: Meanwhile on the outskirts of Unicornicopia, the emigrating rebels were heading off to the G3 Universe to fit in with the rest of the ponies there. Having dropped all their clothes, which, to them, was a sign of the regime they left behind, they never looked back as they went on their merry way.

DiStort: You are putting a terrifying amount of effort into this little side-story you’ve got going here.

Anon13: He’s trying to save our universe from the lameness of this story.



The dark magic had pushed the uniforce harder, making it now just meters away from striking The Grand Ruler, but Lightning, still not willing to back down, shut his eyes really tight.

"No! I won't let this happen!"



DiStort: Because he’s the protagonist and always has the final say on these things.



he thought to himself. His mentor could sense what Lightning was doing- Believing…!



Anon13: I DO believe in Mary Sue! THE POWER OF AUTHOR SUCKINESS COMPELS YOU, VILLAIN!



Lightning had come far for a unicorn that could not do ordinary magic, and now, even with all the odds stacked against his friends, his master, and even himself… "I believe… THAT WE CAN STILL PULL THROUGH THIS…!"



Disco: Delusion Is Magic!



His golden horn began to glow, and everyone down below gazed up at him. "Look…!" cried Starla.

"…Lightning!" Krysta muttered.

The minions were in shock. "He can't…!" cried Dementia.

"He wouldn't…!" added Rep-Stallion.

"I think he will!" cried Mysterious.



T_K_17: Just as the minions predicted, Lightning flew up to Titan and pulled down his pants.



Titan didn't care if Lightning was glowing. "I've come too far to lose to the two of you now!" he shouted as he poured on more power. Pushing the blast now to just a few feet away and still slowly closing in!

Lightning recited his chant…



Svensvenderson: And was immediately shot for being too obvious.



"Magic is believing…

Believing is right

I summon the magic,

In this mystical light…!"

"…UNIFORCE!"

His magic combined with that of his mentor's began to push the dark force back again. "What…? Impossible…!" shouted Titan "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED AGAIN…!"



T_K_17: Titan: “I BELIEVE IT!”



GR: “Damn, he’s learned our strategy!”



and he summoned every last bit of magic he had, causing the two forces to stop right in the middle again.

"Lightning…!" said Grand Ruler "We only need a little more magic."

"I'm… trying…!" cried Lightning.

"We can both do this…!" replied his mentor "JUST… BELIEVE…!"

Lightning shut his eyes, and concentrated. So much was at stake, he couldn't lose. "I believe…!" he cried "I believe…! I believe! I Believe! I Believe…"



Mephy: ♫ I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!♫



"I… BE-LEIVE…!"



Wild Trotter: Now you’re asking for a lawsuit from the Care Bears, too. What a smeggin’ smeghead this author is.



The power of his courage and faith



DiStort: But NOT friendship.



increased the magic of the uniforce ten-fold, sending the power straight back towards Titan swiftly as he felt the force beginning to consume him. "AAAH…! THIS CAN'T BE OVER…! IT ISN'T OVER…!"



DiStort: Well, considering this story is still being updated...



cried Titan, he then quickly reached behind him and drove his hand right into his back, pulling something out and hurling it up, up, into the skies.



T_K_17: Dammit, Mykan. The phrase “pulled out of his ass” isn’t something you’re supposed to invoke seriously!



"Huh…? What's that…?" cried Krysta.

In a blinding flare of light, the force consumed Titan's body, seemingly vaporizing the vile fiend to his doom. Then… all was quiet, until the minions shouted.

"TITAN…!" They really believed their master was lost, but seeing no reason to stick around now,



Svensvenderson: Time to get while the gettin’s good.

DiStort: They can always pull a Klungo and get a desk job at a video game company.



they all vowed someday to return and avenge the fall of their lord and creator. Then they were gone, and the vile storms lifted away.

Everyone cheered and shouted in the outmost of joy as Lightning and The Grand Ruler slowly descended back to the ground. Apart from suffering only a few minor wounds and being extremely exhausted,



T_K_17: And dead.

Anon13: We should be so lucky.



they were both okay, and so was everyone else.



Wild Trotter: Everyone else still too dumb to leave the kingdom behind, that was.



Of course the hotel lobby was a bit of a mess, but nothing everyone couldn't clean up and repair.

Grand Ruler was very proud of Lightning. "You showed great courage, my student. Without your faith and your spirit, we all would have been defeated."

Lightning bowed to his master, and finally was beginning to realize what he was being taught all this time…



Svensvenderson: That he’s only useful when everyone else is busy?



Even though he was still not capable of performing his own magic, other than Uniforce and the Rainbow Rod- The real magic came from inside of him.



Disco: Just like the Schwartz.



His courage, determination, will power, and confidence… "The real magic… is that we believe in ourselves and in one another, and when believing is all we have… there is nothing that we can't overcome."



Svensvenderson: Ugh, I think I’m getting diabetes this is so saccharine.

DiStort: Usually I welcome the diabetes given to me by ponies, but this diabetes, I’d really rather not have.



His mentor smiled and nodded. "Yes, Lightning! Never forget that, and someday you will make a fine unicorn.



DiStort: “Right now, though, you couldn’t be any more of a tool if you tried.”



Magic… or no magic… but for now… I suggest we all get some rest."

Everyone agreed with him. They all had had a very busy and very frightening night. Some sleep would do everyone a world of good.



Disco: And alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

Wild Trotter: *drinking tequila*



Still, Krysta wasn't so certain that Titan was really gone. "Do you think it's because of that thing I saw flying into the sky?" she asked

"I don't know…" answered Lightning "But one thing I do know… if Titan ever comes back. I'll be ready for him… and so will everyone else."

With good conscience, and a tired body, Lightning drifted off into a blissful sleep.

…

While somewhere, out in the void of dimensional-space…

That object that Titan had pulled from his back before his defeat was just floating out in the void, but it began to glow red, as red as Titan's eyes and small raspy voice whispered over and over…

"I shall return! I shall return! I shall return!"



DiStort: “IT’S IN MY CONTRACT!”



Author's notes:

This fic isn't over yet… not by a longshot.



Disco: ****.

Svensvenderson: You said it.



EPISODE TWELVE

It had been weeks since the showdown with Titan took place, and since then not a single new monster had appeared. All of Unicornicopia was overjoyed with their victory,



Svensvenderson: You mean the one where half a dozen ponies did the actual work?



but kept well in mind it was possible that Titan was still alive, and that his minions were still out there. Nevertheless… things continued.



DiStort: As previously demonstrated, the citizens of Unicornicopia tend to stop caring about things rather quickly.

Svensvenderson: I stopped caring awhile ago.



Lightning continued to study, and work his duties as town helper. He also now had more time to help Krysta search for her home world.



DiStort: What? Is that an actual thing we’re doing now? I just assumed it would be a one-off mentioning, but hey, whatever.

Svensvenderson: Great, a subplot.



"If only we had some sort of clue that could help us." Lightning said.

"That would make it easier." added Krysta "Still… I'm not so sure…"

"Not sure about what…?"



Svensvenderson: That list has to be pretty long.



Krysta hesitated for a moment, and then admitted that as exciting as it would be to learn of her origins and discover who she really was, "What would I say…? What would I do…? My entire life might change forever."



Mephy: Discovering that you're from the mind of a manchild will make your existence miserable. Don't do it!



Krysta clearly had a case of the nerves.



Svensvenderson: It was over in the corner, next to the box of neurons.



It was as if she didn't know if she really wanted to discover her roots or not.



Anon13: They’re definitely not blonde.



"Well, first we have to find it." Lightning said "Who knows…? It may not even exist if we can't find any records of it."



DiStort: That’s the spirit.



Even so, they still had other things to worry about- like when and where the next attack would come and what would it be?



T_K_17: They’ll probably attack with some evil, animated cardboard box. It will be named Big-Boxer and they will be shocked when it’s defeated.



…

Titan minions were very outraged and somewhat depressed since the supposed downfall of their leader, and decide to avenge his defeat, only they didn't know how without his guidance.



Disco: They were far too stupid.

Svensvenderson: They didn’t have any trouble coming up with idiotic plans before, why stop now?

Mephy: And the readers were depressed that this story continued on despite the main villain’s defeat.



They didn't even bother to try using the magic dust to make more monsters. They just weren't powerful enough.

Fortunately, Titan left a note to his minions in case something would happen to him.



Svensvenderson: “I hate you all, buck off and die.”



The note turned out to be a map of something had hidden somewhere in the Dimension of Darkness that would ensure his minions could carry on.



DiStort: Yes. They must carry on with their mission of gathering energy for Titan... wait.



They had been wandering for what seemed like a long time.



Anon13: As was the author.



"Are you sure we're on course?" groaned Rep-Stallion. "My hooves are killing me."

Dementia felt she needed a pedicure real bad on her hove rims.



Svensvenderson: Her hooves have rims?

T_K_17: He may be referring to the wall of the hoof, but fuck if he knows anything about equine anatomy.



"Will you two knock it off!" snapped Mysterious "According to this, Lord Titan hid his secret somewhere around here."

They searched around the decayed ruins, shoving the rocks and soils out of the way. "Eww…!" cried Dementia "Now I need more than a makeover after this."



Anon13: You need a personality and a reason for me to give a crap about you.

DiStort: I’ve heard that submerging one’s head in molten lava does wonders for the skin. Why don’t you try it?

T_K_17: The sad part is that her obsession with looks makes her the deepest of Titan’s minions.



The other just ignored her



Svensvenderson: That’s the first smart thing they’ve done.



and kept on searching. Suddenly, Rep-Stallion felt this scythe clang into something. "Hey I found something…!" he hollered.

The others rushed over to see him pull out a small box. "What do you think it is…?" asked Mysterious.



Disco: A poorly conceived plot coupon?

Svensvenderson: The latest MacGuffin?



They were about to find out as the box began to glow, and spin round and around, faster and faster…



T_K_17: Like a record, baby

Right round round round



and it opened giving off a bright flash of light as three glowing balls emerged from the box, and flew around the minions in circles.

"What's happening…?" asked Mysterious.

"I feel strange…?" cried Rep-Stallion.



Svensvenderson: Good to know.



"Wait…! Listen…!" said Dementia.



Disco: *Shudders* Damn you, Navi!



Titan's voice could be heard as the magic balls hover over the minions' heads…

"My minions…! If you have found these hidden spheres, means I am no longer with you, but the war against our enemies must continue.



DiStort: Um, why? You’re already dead, bro. I think you’ve lost.



These spheres shall provide you with the power you need, but you must beware of how you use them."

"Go now… and continue the reign of chaos."



Svensvenderson: “No, I will not provide instructions, so suck it.”



As Titan's voice faded, the minions were bathed in glowing flares of light from the spheres.

…

Buddy Rose was working in his garden and Lightning and Krysta were helping him and Artie was there painting a picture of some of the flowers.



T_K_17: Meanwhile, Janity was cleaning the place, Coppy was looking for crime, and Faggy? Well, he’s just a normal Unicornicopian citizen.



"What do you think…?" he asked when he was finished.

"It's beautiful…!" exclaimed Krysta.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say those were really my flowers." added Buddy Rose.



Svensvenderson: Now would be an excellent time to mention Buddy needed glasses.



Artie thanked them for the compliments, but now he was starting to feel bored. All these weeks of nothing really exciting happening, which wasn't exactly bad as it meant the kingdom was safe. "I know how you feel…" Lightning said "I'd like to see some action soon too."



Disco: “I just wonder what Ganon’s up to!”

Anon13: Dude, there’s tempting fate, and then there’s running up and poking it with a stick.



That's when the alarms went off, and everyone began to evacuate and head for shelter.



Anon13: Told you.



"Uh… I didn't mean right this minute." Lightning called, but he and others gazed up at tower searchlights to see where the direction of the disturbance was. "Hey…!" cried Artie "It's coming from Orange-Range. My hometown..!"



T_K_17: Ah, Orange-Range. Home of Orange Cream, Orange Pop, Orange Jubilee, and Orange Pip. In other words, a hive of scum and villainy.



"Well what are we waiting for?" snapped Buddy-Rose, and off they all went.

…

Orange Range was almost pretty much like being in a western terrain.



Svensvenderson: ♫ Oh give me a home, where the dumbasses roam ♫



Not much grass, but plenty of water-holes and orange trees all in groves too,



DiStort: Someone call up Chief Thunderhooves and tell him we found a great place for the Buffalo to stampede.



but that was exactly where the trouble was coming from. The gang could see it as they neared the danger area. "The groves…!" cried Artie "They're on fire…!"

"Let's put it out…!" cried Krysta.



T_K_17: Krysta: “With our faces!”



"No! Wait…!" said Lightning.



Svensvenderson: Lightning was a closet pyro.



As he and the others flew in closer they couldn't smell the smoke, and the flames didn't even feel hot. "It's just an illusion."

No sooner had the illusions of the flames faded out did Titan's three minions appear. "You guys again!" snarled Lightning.

Mysterious sniggered, "My but it's a lovely day." He teased, and that made everyone realize that, a shadow, was indeed out in the open sunlight and not being damaged. "How's that possible…?" asked Buddy Rose.



T_K_17: SPF 8000



"Oh, that's the least of your troubles." said Rep-Stallion "In just a few moments… you'll really be in trouble."

The gang stood ready. "All right…! So where is this new monster of yours…?" asked Lightning

Dementia giggled "Whoever said it was going to be a monster? You're fighting us…!"



DiStort: Is today “ellipses appreciation day” or something?



Her eyes began to glow, and so did Mysterious and Rep's.



Disco: It’s Morphin’ Time!

DiStort: DO NOT SULLY THE SACRED CATCHPHRASE OF THE POWER RANGERS.

Svensvenderson: Ok, fine. HENSHIN!

DiStort: That goes double for Kamen Riders.



"What's going on…?" asked Krysta, but she and the others got their answer as the evil unicorns entire bodies began to morph into mysterious human-shaped creatures



DiStort: But I thought they were already anthromorphs! CONFUSED.



, wearing armor, helmets, capes, and they also looked much stronger. The gang just stared in awe and were rather speechless.

"Take a good look at us now…!"



DiStort: Alrighty. (Looks) Nope, still don’t care.



hissed Mysterious "The tables are about to turn on you and your pitiful believing."



Wild Trotter: Boy, if only Sven were here to see this.

Svensvenderson: See what? This fic has made me gone blind.

Crazy56U: You know Trotter, you have a bad habit of assuming people aren’t here when they actually are. Just sayin’.

Anon13: He may be trying to convince himself this fic is just a bad dream.

Mephy: I've renounced my faith in humanity because of this fic, does that count as no longer believing? Can I leave?



Rep-Stallion grasped his new double-bladed scythe and held it high. "Lord Titan shall be avenged, and our reign will carry on."



Wild Trotter: Death is still gonna sue you for stealing his scythe.



Dementia clenched her fists sight "Let's do this thing…!" she hissed and they began to charge forth. "Come on! Let's get them…!" snapped Lightning and he and his friends charged forth.

Buddy-Rose went after Dementia "How would the pretty lady like some pretty flowers…? PETAL DANCE…!" He fired his razor-leaves



Svensvenderson: Ok, I know razor leaf is a Pokemon attack!



but Dementia's new armor merely deflected them right off of her. "Huh…?"

Dementia winked at him. "Why, thank you…!" she teased "Now allow me to return the favor. DANCE OF ICE…!" She twirled round and around on one foot like a skilled dancer creating and blizzard-wave of snow and ice that blew right at Buddy, "Whoa…! AAAHH! That's cold!"



DiStort: Ice tends to be.

Svensvenderson: Dementia used Dance of Ice! It’s super effective!



he cried. Some of the ice crystals were large and rammed into his armor, pushing him back.

Dementia was enjoying this.



Wild Trotter: Maybe...a little too much if one catches my drift.



Artie and Rep-Stallion were going at it hard. His scythe against Artie's big brush spear…



Svensvenderson: Again with the innuendo!



They met in a struggle, but Rep managed to get the upper hand and shove Artie of the way, stripping him of his spear in the process. Rep sniggered as he used his scythe blades to slash it into splinters. "No…!" shouted Artie "That's it! Now I'm angry…! PAINT BOMBS…!" and he launched a swarm of his explosive blobs. Not a single one missed and Rep-Stallion was buried in the explosions.



T_K_17: Rep: “BLARGH! THE COLORS!”



Artie panted and puffed, but as the smoke settled, "Huh…? It can't be!"

Rep-Stallion stood there without even an ash on him.



Disco: Somepony’s been watching DBZ.

Svensvenderson: Great, so now we have three weeks before anyone actually does something?



He just smiled wickedly, "Hmm, mm, mm…! My turn! THE BITE OF LIGHTNING…!"



Crazy56U: Oh crap, Lighting’s gone all cannibal on us! RUN!



Whirling his staff round and around like a propeller above his head, he conjure dup heavy bolts of lightning which Artie almost had a hard time dodging. "Whoa…! Hey…! Ho…! Yah…!"



Disco: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!

Svensvenderson: *BOING*



Lightning and Krysta were about to have their own hard luck dealing with Mysterious. The evil creature stared them down and approached them slowly "Look… Lightning Dawn just accept the fact that you and your friends can't beat us now... It's easier that way."



DiStort: If he admits it, does that mean we can all go home?



Lightning and Krysta refused to give in and decided to take their chances. "Here I come, ready or not." shouted Lightning as he dashed forward and on all fours, but Mysterious just stood where he was, not moving an inch, and actually let Lightning ram into him, despite still being a shadow, and he didn't stop until he had whammed Mysterious right up against a large pole.



Svensvenderson: Even Freud would give up at this point.



"Yeah…! Way to go Lightning!" cried Krysta, but then to her and Lightning's shock. Mysterious, unfazed by the attack, grabbed Lightning by the horn, and gave him a huge toss the other way. "UGH…! AH…!"

Krysta was livid and felt a burst of rage building up inside her. She angrily turned to face Mysterious, but realizing how large he was, she quickly backed off like a scared cat.



T_K_17: What a pussy.



Lightning, wasn't too hurt, but he couldn't believe how strong Mysterious and the others were. Buddy Rose and Artie huddled close with him. "What are we going to do…?" asked Artie.

"That's easy…" Mysterious sniggered as he waved his arms round and around "Sit back and have a taste of my new power… THE HAMMER OF EVIL…!"



DiStort: Subtle.

Crazy56U: Hammers, eh? ...if that’ll make things better... (slams a hammer into his skull and is knocked down)



With his shout, dark waves of intense energy formed over his head.

"LOOK OUT…!" cried Krysta, and she and others scattered out of the way before the blast hit them, making a huge crater in the ground where they were. Lightning was more devastated than ever. "I can't believe they have that much magic and power!"

All three of the evil ones stood together and slowly crept towards the helpless gang, snickering and glaring at them with evil eyes. "Which should we take out first…?" Dementia wondered aloud. "How about all of them at once…?" chuckled Rep-Stallion "Just what I was thinking…" hissed Mysterious.

Just as they were about to fire, they were attacked from the side by many attacks…

"STAR SHOWER…!"

"BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS…!"



DiStort: Never played that game. Heard it wasn’t that good.



A swarm of firework rockets…!

"DRILL QUILL…!"

All those attacks struck the evil ones, and managed to actually shove them back a bit. The gang looked and saw most of their friends, who heard the danger and came to help.

"Starla…!"

"Dyno and Myte…!"

"Never fear,"

Rhymey is here…!



Svensvenderson: If those guys are the cavalry, Lightning’s boned.



The others had never been so happy to see their friends, and in such timing, but now was not the time to exchange in pleasantries. The minions were still unharmed by the blasts. "So, now you're all together…? How marvelous." chuckled Mysterious.

"Now we can get rid of you all in one easy swoop." said Dementia.



DiStort: You’d certainly be doing us a favor.



Rep-Stallion chuckled and licked the blades of his scythe.



T_K_17: Rep: “Aagh! My tongue! Jejuth Critht that wath a bad idea!”



"Let's get them!" They all charged forward, when suddenly they stopped. Next they were groaning and moaning as they held their heads in pain and fell to their knees.

"What's happening to them…?" asked Starla.

"They seemed so strong and fierce before,

But they don't seem to be anymore." said Rhymey

It was their new powers. The minions hadn't practiced with their new strengths and had really mastered them too well.



DiStort: Should’ve read the manual.

T_K_17: Learning how to run forward should have been your first priority, guys.



That's why they were suddenly so weak… and before anyone knew it. The minions had changed back to their normal forms.



Disco: My, how abruptly convenient.



"This can't be!" growled Mysterious "Our powers failed us…!"

"Uh, Mysterious…!" cried Rep "That's not our only problem."

The gang now stood with the odds in their favor. "My how the tables have turned." teased Lightning. "You guys are in some trouble now." added Krysta. With the gang's powers still high,



Svensvenderson: Like the author?



the minions wouldn't stand a chance in their condition.

Dementia whimpered nervously "Listen uh… this has been fun… but uh…"

"Let's go!" snapped Mysterious "You haven't seen the last of us!" Then they all disappeared.

The gang all sighed in relief for they had won today only by a stroke of luck.



T_K_17: One of them suggested running after the minions to stop them for good while they were weak. He was shot.



It was now obvious that the minions were much stronger but would need time to master their new powers. "What can we do about it…?" asked Dyno.

"Aye… I don't know. I don't." answered Myte



Svensvenderson: Who is apparently Irish all of a sudden.



"Even our best assaults… they don't do much."

Even Lightning had no clue of what to do, except one thing. "We need to see The Grand Ruler… Now…!"

…

It was in vain that the others tried to talk Lightning out of it. The Grand Ruler was very busy,



Svensvenderson: Doing absolutely nothing useful.

T_K_17: GR: “I will not be seeing anyone until I have caught all 649 Pokemon!”



so busy, that would have to write to him in advance to request an audience.

So they all headed up to The Grand Ruler's floating palace in the skies. The reason it was kept so high was so he could observe and watch over the entire kingdom from up above, and to help him keep track of the night and day with ease.

The guards, however, wouldn't let them in. Not even when Lightning explained "I am The Grand Ruler's apprentice."

"We know…"



DiStort: “It’s just that we, like pretty much everyone else, do not care.”



snapped one of the guards "But his majesty left strict rules; no entry without admittance."

That's when the large gate doors opened wide. "Let them in…!" echoed his majesty's voice.

The guard's turned,



Svensvenderson: “Wait to go, Steve.”

Svensvenderson: “How was I supposed to know that was going to happen?”



and that's when the gang shoved their way in. "You heard him…" said Lightning.



T_K_17: Yeah! Fuck you for following orders, guards!



They walked down the entrance hall to the big doors at the end, which opened wide and showed the Grand Ruler sitting on his throne.



Svensvenderson: Ew.



He stood upright as the gang bowed to him and he bowed back. "Your majesty…! Forgive us for this intrusion…" Lightning said.

"It's all right…" his mentor assured them all "I had expected you would come…" he clapped his front hooves twice and his servants brought out a small feast that was prepared in anticipation of the arrivals.



T_K_17: The slaves... er... “servants” he “hired” to prepare this meal, meanwhile, were dying of starvation. What a grand ruler.



As they ate through the feast, Grand Ruler came straight to the point, he had seen everything and he, too, was most disturbed by what was now happening.



Svensvenderson: I’m disturbed by how much the GR already knows.

Anon13: I’m disturbed by how much the author doesn’t.



"As you all had witnessed, it will take time for Titan's minions to master and control their newfound powers, but rest assured they will."



T_K_17: So why not kill them before that happens? God you’re retarded.



That would be very bad for everyone.



Svensvenderson: *facehoof* No shit, really?



They were barely able to so much as even force them back during the battle that day. If they powered up, they'd be almost impossible to beat.



T_K_17: BY THE END OF THE BATTLE THEY WERE FLEEING IN TERROR FROM YOU! JESUS CHRIST.



"What can we do about it?" asked Starla.

"Can't we increase our powers too?" asked Buddy Rose.

"Precisely…" said Grand Ruler. Everyone gazed at him in curiosity as he explained that it would not be easy "All of you follow me…" he said.

He led everyone to a large stone doorway hidden deep within the palace, near the tip-top of the highest tower in the center. In the door were three special keyholes that only Grand Ruler could open by inserting his three horns into the holes and giving a small glow of magic.



Disco: Wow, how original. I’ve never seen anything remotely like it!



The doors opened wide, and everyone saw a mystical waving vortex. "Wow…!" exclaimed Krysta.

"Incredible…" added Lightning. All the others just stared in awe and Grand Ruler cautioned them "Step forward, but do not touch at any cost."



T_K_17: GR: “You’ll get smudges all over the damn thing.”



Everyone gazed into the waving vortex and could see many places out in the dimensional void. These were all the many of world's dimensions in the dimensional universe where they lived; Unicornicopia was located near the center. "I think I recognize this…" said Lightning "It's the dimensional gateway I came through when I first arrived here in Unicornicopia.



Svensvenderson: Wait, what?



Grand Ruler nodded and explained that this was how he was able to travel through to other dimensions and explore. He had traveled around quite a bit in his time, but there were still many places out there even he did not know of.



T_K_17: God help us when he finds the Land of Little Cubes and Tea.



"What does this have to do with us?" asked Starla.

Grand Ruler explained that when first arrived to create and colonize Unicornicopia, he had forged a set of treasures he called The Rainbow Stones, which were infused with the very essence of the rainbow force and Grand Ruler's magic and wisdom.



DiStort: And we’ve officially gone Sonic the Hedgehog up in here.

Crazy56U: Oh goody, as if he didn’t have enough bull to deal with. He’s still getting flak for “Sonic 2006” for pete’s sake!

T_K_17: They’re called the stones they’re called the Rainbow Stones...



He felt that someday they would be very useful, but decided against to keeping them as it would draw attention to evil ones. Not willing to allow the dark forces to get their hands on the rainbow stones or even to guess of their existence, he scattered them across several dimensions.



T_K_17: So to protect these stones from falling into evil hands, you sent them out of your protection, where no one could stop an evil person from just picking them up.



The others were starting to realize what this meant. "You mean… we have to go… out there…?" asked Artie.

"In time you will." Grand Ruler answered. "These stones should provide you all with the necessary forces to help you in your upcoming conflicts with Titan's minions."



Disco: Assuming you are a team of teenagers with attitude.

Anon13: and ridiculous hairstyles.



"But, what are we supposed to do in the meantime?" asked Lightning

"Yeah, what if the minions return and we don't have the power?" added Krysta.

Grand Ruler chuckled and got down on all fours, bowed his head, and concentrated.



Svensvenderson: Several days later...



His golden horns glowed, and then right up through the floor magically appeared a white and violet shinning stone- one of the rainbow stones to be precise.

"But how…?" asked Dyno.

"You said you hid the stones." added Myte

Grand Ruler chuckled "I never said that I had hid all of them."

The stone he had was one of four stones, which each contained two of the eight colors



Svensvenderson: Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. That’s seven, ace.

Crazy56U: Dude, everyone in this is rock-stupid, stop pointing out logic.



of the rainbow. The one stone they had now was white



Svensvenderson: Which has all the colors of light. Bill Nye the Science Guy said so!



and violet, and would have the power to increase their magic, but it would only do so if the stone itself deemed them all worthy as another one of Grand Ruler's safety measures.

"Just close your eyes and look deep inside you."



Svensvenderson: They all immediately tried to roll their eyes far enough to see inside their own skulls.

Anon13: And saw a vast empty void.



The unicorns all did as they were told, and closed their eyes and the stone began to glow and give of colorful sparkling waves. The waves flew in great circles above the gang, then the sparkles gently settled into them, and all was quiet.

The unicorns opened their eyes, but they didn't feel any different. "What happened…?" asked Starla.

"I don't feel any stronger than I did before." said Buddy Rose.

"Perhaps the magic didn't work,

The stone would not give us the perk." said Rhymey.

Grand Ruler assured them that the stone did grant them its help, whether they felt it or not.



T_K_17: The stones contain the magical power of the placebo effect.



"All will be made clear to you in time." he assured them "Krysta… you are not a unicorn but rest assured that you have also been gifted and in time, you will also obtain the answers you seek."



Svensvenderson: You mean Krysta’s actually going to be useful at some point?



Krysta bowed to him, and the others did too.

"Just remember…" Grand Ruler continued "No matter what magic you may face, no matter what hardship you may endure, or whatever evil force you come into contact with… your courage, faith, believing, and you're good intentions are the greatest gifts that could ever be found within you that other force can take from you. They will always be there when you need them… as will I."



DiStort: “Provided I’m not busy with something more interesting.”



He bowed to the gang and they bowed to him again.

Yet another new chapter had begun in the fight against evil for the unicorns.

Author's response:

To Buddy Kieth...

NO! I have to finish this...! Not becuase of the mockers but for my relief!



RingmasterJ5: For clarity, here’s “Buddy Keith’s” review:



“You know you could have just said no to the bronies. I'm sure they would have understood that you wanted nothing to do with them, but by making this fanfic, you are digging yourself deeper and making more people believe that you are a closet brony.



Furthermore, how are you going to prove anything if you are removing everyone's reviews? You removed my review, and I wasn't even hating on you unlike the rest of the anonymous reviews. I just think that this type of thing is beneath you. Move on to a fanfic that could work, because as it stands, while you're great at writing Teen Titans and Digimon, you're not very good at writing My Little Pony”



Disco: A voice of reason in this fanfic? Wonders never cease.

Wild Trotter: Buddy Keith, we’ll take this review as an understatement to how WE feel about it.

DiStort: Buddy Keith is now my hero.

Svensvenderson: I have a hard time believing Mykan would be good at writing anything more complicated than a fortune cookie.

Anon13: While we’re at it, what does Mykan mean by “for my relief!”? Is there a wad of ridiculous plot lodged in his colon?

Crazy56U: Buddy Keith is confirmed as best sense-talking person.





EPISODE THIRTEEN

The Grand Ruler was now or days busy calculating just which dimensions housed the remaining three rainbow stones. After all… a-thousand years was a long time, and anything could've had happened.



Svensvenderson: What, no quest to first find the map?

T_K_17: Actually keeping track of that shit is way beyond the ability of this grand ruler.



So many questions pondered the unicorns' minds about the stones,



Anon13: Wait, questions ponder minds? All of philosophy is backwards!



but there no point in researching as there were no records or information regarding them, as Grand Ruler had wanted to so evil ones would never guess of their existence.

All they could do was wait, and wonder.



DiStort: And possibly get high, if everyone was up for it.



Lightning kept staring at himself in his mirror



Svensvenderson: Narcissus would be proud.



but still couldn't feel or notice anything new about him since the power of the first stone worked its magic.

"Take it easy, Lightning." said Krysta "We'll all know what's changed about us soon enough."



DiStort: “Who knows? Maybe we’ll start developing actual personalities!”



Lightning sighed, but knew she was right. "Come on, let's go. Answers or not, we still have jobs to do."



T_K_17: Lightning: “Those glory holes aren’t going to put mouths to themselves.”



…

Titans minions had taken their humiliation from the last battle rough, and had ever since been training hard to master their powers, but it would take time. "This is intolerable!"



Disco: I think he speaks for all of us.

Svensvenderson: We passed intolerable a long time ago.



snapped Mysterious "Here we are… forced to stay while we could be avenging the fall of our master."



DiStort: “Why exactly do we need to do that, again?”



"Isn't there something we can do, maybe send a monster?" asked Rep-Stallion.

"Ugh! Forget that!"



Disco: “We’ve ripped off Power Rangers too much already!”



snapped Dementia "Every monster we every sent ended up falling all over itself to those unicorns." She pounded her makeup table hard which caused several jars of her mane-gel to fall off and spill on the floor. "Oh, no…!"

Mysterious looked at the spilled gels on the floor and watched how they began to mix together into a big glob. His eyes and sinister grin widened. "Oh yes…!" he said and sniggered. He had an idea!



T_K_17: A makeup table monster! Great thinking, Mysterious!



…

Lightning was spending some time at the training grounds and gym with Starla and Rhymey. Krysta enjoyed going through the obstacle courses. It helped her work on her speed and evasive movement. She always got the best of the others, because she was small and could pass the obstacles with ease,



DiStort: In other words, because she cheated.



but she did get just as tired as the others too.

All four of them were out of breath and had a good workout, but Starla brought water for everyone.

"Oh, Hip-hurray…!



T_K_17: Rhymey: “I hope that didn’t make me sound gay.”



I feel as if I've worked all day." panted Rhymey

Starla giggled, "That's why I brought this water out. Nothing like it after a hard workout..."



Svensvenderson: Oh Celestia, Rhymey’s spreading!



Krysta already dunked her face at her cup of water, a small cup to the others, but enough to fill a bathtub to her. "Sometimes… being small has its rewards." she gloated. The others chuckled.

Starla then got up and walked away from the others, Lightning watched splash some of the water at her face to cool down. "Ahh…!" she sighed as she shook her head making her mane flick about.



T_K_17: I flick my mane back and forth

I flick my mane back and forth



"Wow…!" Lightning muttered as he felt lighter than air as he stared at her.

Rhymey and Krysta noticed and could immediately tell Lightning had a thing for Starla, they even put on a little act to tease him.



Svensvenderson: Which has been hinted at, um, nowhere?



"Oh Lightning… you are falling for me?" Krysta acted pretending to be Starla.

Rhymey scooped her up in a romantic pose.

"Starla, my dear, I must confess,

I have feelings for you, no more, no less."



T_K_17: Unable to hold back any more, Rhymey and Krysta gave in to their passions, soon conceiving a character more annoying than both of them combined.

Anon13: How could anything be more annoy... wait, Mykan. Never mind.



Lightning felt annoyed. "Cut it out you guys."

The others giggled, "Come on, Lightning. We can tell."

"Tell what?"

The others gave him the look of suspicion,



Svensvenderson: I hope they gave Lightning the receipt too, otherwise he’ll have to take store credit.



and hinted at Starla, and recalled all the times Lightning turned weak in the knees whenever he saw or was near her…

…



Anon13: Oh good grief, it’s a clip show in prose!



When he was at the Unicorn market shopping, Starla passed by and waved hello to him. Lighting was so distracted that he knocked over an entire stack of soup cans.



T_K_17: In which the Demoman buries whats left of you.



Another time when he helped her carry some books up to her tower above the library, and she thanked him sweetly… when he went back downstairs, he was so dazed that he walked right into one of the book-carts tipping it over with a loud crash.

…

…and just now, the way he looked at her?



Disco: Staaaalker...



"Okay… so I guess… I kind of like her." Lightning said "Just look at her. She's so beautiful, and she's kind, and smart, and she's helped me out tones of time too- in and out of battle."

"So… why don't you ask her out on a play-date or something?"



DiStort: “Play-date”? Do I want to know why we’re using this particular terminology?

Svensvenderson: No one does.

T_K_17: It’s a date in which he shows off his Bionicle collection.



asked Krysta

Lightning's face went red, and he felt like steam shot through his ears



Svensvenderson: He must have had hot sauce.



"Oh… uh… I… what do you mean?" he asked nervously.



Disco: He’s clearly ignorant of ship-fic cliches.



Rhymey explained…

"In Unicornicopia, it's really okay…

For us to feel about someone in a nice way

Sometimes we ask, we never wait

To see if that someone would come on a play-date."



DiStort: No, seriously. Stop calling it that. You’re freaking me out.

T_K_17: Rhymey: “If they say no, well what the buck?

We turn them around, and give them a fuck.”



Lightning still didn't feel sure. "I'm not sure Starla would have the time."

"Have the time for what…?" she asked as she came to sit down. Lightning was startled and almost leapt clear off the bench. He stuttered and stammered for a second,



T_K_17: Lightning Swan.



"I… I mean… won't time to say goodbye… I have to go. See you all later! Bye!" and he dashed off quickly.

Starla blinked once and was most confused. "Is he okay…" she asked Krysta and Rhymey. They just hesitated. "What's going on…?" Starla asked.



Svensvenderson: A poor excuse for a romantic subplot in a poor excuse of a fanfic.

Anon13: “We’re being douches. C’mon, try it, it’s fun!”



…

A few blocks away, Lightning was just pressing his head against a pole and feeling very stupid. He felt as if he just acted like a complete idiot



Disco: He’s been reading the MST.

Anon13: It’s not an act.

Crazy56U: I think Lightning was reacquainted with the silly notion of “thinking”, and realized what he is currently in. He will now become angry like the rest of us. (puts on a Sith robe)



and probably should've just asked Starla n that play date right then and there. "Oh! How can I face her again…?" he groaned to himself.

He pulled himself together and turned to go on his way, and there was Starla"…Lightning?"

"Ah…!"



Anon13: Starla needs to wear a bell or something.



Lightning almost jumped into the sky again "I mean… Hi." he stammered.



Svensvenderson: “WANNAHAVEAPLAYDATE? I mean,”



Starla giggled nervously, and then she asked. "Do you think you'd want to… if you're not busy… go on a play-date with me?"



T_K_17: Lightning: “A what? Are you four?”



Lightning felt so strange he couldn't describe it, and he stammered worse than ever, but managed to say. "Yeah… sure… I'd love to."

Starla smiled and the two of them agreed to meet in the afternoon, and then she ran off. As for Lightning, he just stood where he was completely still for a moment, and then… he leapt way up, as high as his wings could take him in one jump crying



Disco: SHORYUKEN!

Wild Trotter: GALACTICA PHANTOME!

Crazy56U: FALCON PUUUUNCH!



"YAHOO…!"

Krysta and Rhymey watched the whole thing from the shrubs and snickered cheekily.



T_K_17: *sniggered



…

That afternoon, Lightning went to the entrance of Pinkie Parks, the kingdom's amusement park and fun-land.



DiStort: Oh there is NO bucking way that was an accident. You watched the damn show, just admit it you ass-hat.



A lot of it was colored pink,



Svensvenderson: With plenty of yellow and blue balloons, perchance?



but the rest of the area round the land seemed pretty normal. Starla came



Svensvenderson: Good to know.



along almost directly after Lightning did.

"Lightning…"

"Hey, you made it." he said to her.

"Sure did…" Starla answered. They soon found they were staring into each other's eyes, and turned away giggling.



T_K_17: Ah, so they are four.



Then they went into the park together under the watchful eyes of Rhymey and Krysta.

"I don't think this is very polite.

Spying on our friends just doesn't seem right." said Rhymey.



DiStort: Clearly you don’t watch enough anime.



"We're not spying…" said Krysta "We're making sure they're having fun. Look at them."



T_K_17: Krysta: “And if we happen to be masturbating while we watch, well that’s okay, right?”



They watched as Lightning and Starla went on the rides, played some games, even got some snacks form the concession-stands.



T_K_17: Lemme guess, they got pies, right?



They seemed to be both having a greater time than anyone realized. They even seemed to warming up more to each other.

"Oh, I see now, and I agree,

Our friends are getting along so nicely." said Rhymey.

Krysta nodded in agreement "That's what being close friends is all about." She said, and she began to sing…

(In the style of…Fox and the Hound: "The Best of Friends")



Disco: Stop it! You’re killing my childhood, you fiend!

Crazy56U: Not mine. I never saw this movie! :D (...but still... why “Fox and the Hound”?)



When you are such close friends

Having so much fun together



T_K_17: Friendship with Benefits



You start to seem quite aware, you're such a lovely pair

You are such close friends

Life's a happy game



Anon13: that Mykan loses...



You could hang around forever

There are no boundaries, you just do as you please

Life's one happy game

…

Starla and Lightning had fun on the roller coaster



Crazy56U: Random question: Who here has seen “Final Destination 3”?



the most and they went through a horror-tunnel, and Lightning won Starla a giant stuffed animal playing at the games. He got a big peck on the cheek for that, and blushed. He almost fainted too, and Starla just giggled.

Starla tried to repay the favor by wining Lightning something…



Svensvenderson: Oh crap.

Crazy56U: For the love of Celestia, please don’t be sex related...



but she wasn't as good at the games as he was. She felt a little embarrassed too.

…

Sometimes you feel things may get in the way

and some of those things will interfere with your play

you may both feel like fools

but just remember the simple rules

And you'll understand, the magic of your wonderland

…

Lightning didn't mind at all, and instead, he and Starla were soon actually sharing a milkshake together.



DiStort: Is the author just going through a giant checklist of cliches here?

T_K_17: Daniel Plainview was very intrigued by this scene.



…

When you are such close friends

Sharing all that you discover

When that moment has past, will those feelings last?

Who can say? There's a way!

Oh I hope... I hope it never ends

'Cause you are such close friends



T_K_17: The original context of this song was foreshadowing the tragedy of two childhood friends who would have to become enemies later in life. Unless Starla is secretly Titan’s daughter or something I don’t see this fitting.



…

By sundown, Starla and Lightning had gone away from the theme-park and were sitting by a bonfire in the outer fields.



Anon13: They were burning all the books they could find on good writing in the kingdom.



"Wow! What a day." sighed Lightning.

"Yeah…! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun." said Starla.



Disco: Her life must be horrendously boring.



"Thank you, Lightning."

Lightning smiled, "Hey, you're the one who asked me out."

Starla smiled back at him.

The stars soon came out and they would have to be getting home soon, but they just didn't seem to want to leave yet. This all felt so nice and soothing. "You know… you could've just asked me out today yourself." Starla suddenly said "I would've said yes."

Lightning blinked once, "Pardon…?" he asked "You knew I wanted to ask you out?"

"Mm-hmm…!"



Svensvenderson: *WAH WAH WAH WAHHHHH!*



Lightning felt embarrassed again, but then asked, "How did you know that in the first pla-" then he suddenly got the idea, and Starla nodded which confirmed it. "Rhymey…! Krysta…! You can come out now."

The two came our form the



T_K_17: Bonfire.



shrubs.

"Forgive us, Lightning. Please do…

We only did it to help you." confessed Rhymey.



Svensvenderson: Because spying on them is clearly the most effective way to help.



"Besides… you didn't say not to tell her." added Krysta.

Lightning couldn't really hold it against them. "Thanks, you guys. I appreciate it."

Rhymey and Krysta smiled, but suddenly…

BOOM! Titan's minions appeared in their regular forms. "Great! Just what I needed." grumbled Lightning.

"Sorry to spoil the moment…" hissed Mysterious "But we have a little plan of our own to dispatch."

"Prepare yourselves…!"



Disco: Prepare for trouble!

DiStort: Make it failure! Wait, no...



snickered Rep-Stallion. He licked his scythe once

"You're about to deal with one of the fiercest types of monsters we've ever dished out." added Dementia.



Disco: “It’s a Dragon Type!”



The others all stood together, and then watched as the minions each cast their monster-dusts on three objects… the tree... a rock… and a little bit of the bonfire. "What's going on?"



DiStort: Monster budget cuts, that’s what’s going on.



asked Starla.

"They're combining the three forms together." cried Krysta.

Sure enough, the monster appeared as fused form of rock, tree parts like roots and vines, and glowing hotspots in between.



Svensvenderson: “And I’ll form the head!”



The minions could hardly decide what to even call it.

"Come on, guys!" snapped Lightning "Let's see what this bad boy can do."

"Hmm, mm, mm, mm…! This should be interesting." sniggered Dementia as she and the others watched from above. "Get them…!" all three shouted, and the monster began to stomp forward.

"WARD SWORD…!" shouted Rhymey, and as soon as his weapon appeared he leapt over ready to strike the monster, but was punched aside. "Ow…! Wow…!"



T_K_17: Do you really need to rhyme your grunts of pain? Really?



He wasn't hurt too much, but that punch was very strong, and burning to the touch. His armor had a small dent and burn mark on it.

The others were shocked, but didn't let it scare them. Starla went up next, "QUASAR BEAM…!" Her beam struck the monster hard in his its chest, but the monster didn't so much as even flinch.

"It's not working…!" cried Krysta "The three elements are making him too strong."

The monster held out its arms and long strong vines shot out ensnaring Starla. "AA-AAH…!"

"Starla…!" cried Lightning. He angrily charged at the monster shouting, "Okay, you! Let her go right now!"



T_K_17: Monster: “Well... okay.”



The monster glared at Lightning and stomped its foot, shaking the ground and causing Lightning to fall. "Whoa…! Ugh…! Okay, I didn't see that coming."



Svensvenderson: He should probably open his eyes more often.



Krysta angrily flew forward and used her powers to pick up and throw smaller rocks, which were only small pebbles compared to the monster. All they did was make it angry.



Svensvenderson: Way to fail, Krysta.



"Uh oh…!" squeaked Krysta as she watched the monster draw in a huge breath, and he flew out of range just as it blew a bursting stream of flames. "Sure… it just has to breathe fire too!" Krysta grumbled.



Wild Trotter: “Good thing this one’s not interested in my bust!”



Starla was still bound in the monsters vines and the more Starla struggled to break free the tighter the grip felt. "I can… hardly… breathe!" she groaned.



Wild Trotter: “Why... do I... feel like... some anime... schoolgirl!?”



Rhymey dashed over and tried to slash the vines with his sword, but they were as strong as rocks, and his beautiful sword was badly dented.

"Ah…! My sword's dent,

It's badly bent!"



Wild Trotter: Rhymey: “Much like my clopping arm, it has come to...”

Mysterious: “Clopping arm? You have issues, man.”

Dementia: “Why not use your...other arm?” *giggles*

Mysterious: “Eeeeww!” *cringes*



Nevertheless, he continued to try and free Starla by pulling on the vines with his own strength, but they were just as strong as ever, and even sizzling to the touch.

Lightning tried to charge the monsters again, only to have it stomp its foot and knock him down again. Then it tried to roast him with its flames, but Lightning rolled out of the way. "This is nuts!"



DiStort: No, a large roller-coaster is nuts. This is just stupid.



he growled, then he too was ensnared by vines from the monster's other arm. "And this is getting bad…!" he cried.

"No…! Lightning!" cried Krysta. Now only and Rhymey were still free,



Svensvenderson: They’re screwed.

T_K_17: Since Rhymey is useless, only is left to save them. Hopefully is up to the task ahead of.



but left with hardly any options. Rhymey couldn't break the vines, and Krysta didn't stand a chance from the start.



T_K_17: Exactly. Like I said, it’s up to now.



Starla couldn't last much longer, and Lightning was starting to feel the burn. "It can't… end like this!" he growled.

The minions were laughing with glee.



T_K_17: Rather, they were laughing at Glee. Who could take that cover of It’s My Life seriously?



"I can't believe it…! We're really going to do It." cried Rep-Stallion.

"I guess we won't need to master our new knightly powers after all." added Dementia.

Mysterious, however, knew that it wasn't over until it was really over, but he was certainly as confident as the others



T_K_17: Which makes the first half of the sentence utterly useless.



"Sorry, my friends, but your time has run out!" he hissed and then laughed maliciously.

"Ugh…Uhn…! No…!" shouted Lightning. He tried and tried with all his might but it seemed as if he couldn't' break free. Still he kept trying. The heat felt so intense it was burning through his armor.

Starla and Rhymey continued to struggle too, and Krysta was still not willing to give up, even though she didn't stand too much of a chance. The monster had them all in its sights and drew in a huge breath for a great big fiery breath. "No!" cried Starla "He's… going to… roast us alive!"

"I won't give in…!

I know we can win!" shouted Rhymey

"We can do this…!" cried Krstya.

"Yes…!" Lightning said deeply, "WE CAN…!" that's when he began to feel the burn, but not from the monster's grip, but form within his own body. Starla felt it too, so did Rhymey, and Krysta.



T_K_17: Within seconds, all four burned to a crisp from the inside. Spontaneous combustion strikes again.



The minions watch in confusion. "What's taking so long?" snarled Dementia.

"What's going on down there…?" growled Rep-Stallion.



DiStort: Eh, no. Too easy.



Mysterious said nothing and stood there were a puzzled expression on his face.

Lightning and Krysta struggled hard, and all of a sudden they burst through the vines using their own brute-strength! Rhymey, however, was still in the way as the monster blew his fiery breath, but Rhymey held up his dented sword and it actually absorbed the fire, and like magic, the sword was all fixed, and seemed stronger than ever.

"Wha…? Huh…?"

The gang were puzzled, but had never felt anything like it. They suddenly felt so much stronger, and realized. "It's the rainbow stone!" cried Lightning "I guess it finally kicked in."



Svensvenderson: How convenient.



"I've never felt anything like it…" said Starla.

"This is incredible…!" Krysta said "I feel like I could move a whole tree."



T_K_17: Put Fluttershy down, Krysta.



Rhymey gripped his sword tightly…

"Our magic feels so strong and new,

Now let's see what they can do!"

The monster seemed furious, and began to stomp towards the gang.

It was about to stomp its huge feet to make the ground shake. But the unicorns leapt up high at the last moment to avoid the tremors. Rhymey then, with fast speed, shot straight at the monster and his sword began to glow. "THRASH… SLASH…!"



DiStort: No. Bad Rhymey. That was bad and you should feel bad. Go back and try again.



With his sword powered, he slashed at the monster shocking it with a powerful force from the magic in the blade.

Starla hovered over the monster's head and added to the force with her own new attack, "PULSAR LASER…!" Two beams fire form her eyes, blasting the monster in Krysta's direction.

She just held her arms and hands out in front, and WHAMM! The monster slammed right into one her new abilities to create energy force fields, which only lasted an instant, but just right for the perfect defense, and deflecting on coming attacks.



Anon13: He used to be a monster of the week, but then he took a laser blast in the sentence structure.



"Wow…!" Krysta cried "Did you see that…?"



T_K_17: Starla: “I couldn’t, because the lasers melted my eyes out.”



Everyone was very proud of her,



Svensvenderson: “You did very good, for a female.”



now it was Lightning's turn as he dashed along the ground and rammed right into the monster actually knocking it backwards, while he himself felt hardly anything at all.

The minions were outraged, even Mysterious was. "I don't understand…?" he muttered "How is it their strength suddenly increased?"

All he and the others could do was watch as Lightning summoned the rainbow rod, recite the chant, and fire the "RAINBOW FORCE…!"



T_K_17: Getting too lazy to type out that Rainbow Lantern bullshit now, huh?



The rainbow hadn't received any new properties, and didn't require any as it still destroyed the evil magic within the monsters, causing it to vanish.

"Did you see that…?" snarled Dementia.

"I… I don't believe it! They actually did it!" growled Rep-Stallion.



Anon13: You mean like every other freaking time he’s done it?



That's when Lightning looked up at them, "Whose next…?" He snarled at them while posing his rainbow rod for another attack. The minions decided to retreat, but Mysterious warned him, "Consider yourselves fortunate, but this was merely a small sample of what lies ahead for all of you. Until next time…!" then he and the others vanished.

"Try all you like." sneered Lightning "You'll defeat the magic of believing."



Wild Trotter: Yes, they’ll defeat the magic of believing alright.

Disco: *Facehoofs* My, what an unfortunate omission.

T_K_17: And once again, despite the heroes having a distinct advantage over the villains, they decide not to go after them.



…

Once back at Titan's castle, Mysterious decided that they would still train to master their knight powers. "Hey… who made you in charge?" asked Rep-Stallion.

Mysterious glared at him annoyingly "I am merely suggesting what our best plan of action is." he said "Once again, our enemies have outwit us.



Svensvenderson: And that’s real hard.



We must learn the secret of how there were able to beat us this time, and hopefully use it to our own advantage."

Dementia agreed, but she couldn't help but feel Mysterious was acting just as Titan would. She and the others pretty much missed him, and swore they would avenge him soon. So long as they existed, the unicorns would never know peace.



Wild Trotter: The ones that hadn’t left already, anyway.



…

It was already late at night, and the others decided to head home. Lightning offered to walk Starla back, and she accepted. Rhymey and Krysta followed because they had to head in the same direction the library observatory.

With the exception of the battle, Starla had a great time, and so did Lightning. "Starla…?"

"Hmm…?"

Lightning stuttered and stammered a bit again, but he managed to ask "Do you think you might want to… you know…



T_K_17: Lightning: “Join the Columbia Record Club?”

Starla: “Hold on now! I’m not ready for that kind of commitment!”



go out again sometime… for another play-date?"



DiStort: Go on as many as you want, just STOP CALLING IT THAT.



Starla blinked once, and smile. "Sure." She simply said "I'd love to… but only if we don't have to fight another monster. Goodnight." and she pecked him on the cheek before heading inside to return to her tower. Lightning just stood there with red cheeks.



T_K_17: Hopefully you’re referring to the ones on his face.



Krysta and Rhymey giggled, and Rhymey even teased him…

"Lightning and Starla sitting in a tree…

K-I-S-S-I-N-G…!"

Krysta even joined in the teasing. "Lightning's got a mare-friend! Lightning's got a mare-friend…!"

Lightning just ignored them. So much had happened that day. He had good workout, went on a play-date with Starla, but most importantly, the rainbow stone was starting to work its magic, and just in time because the minions were getting stronger too.

Whatever sinister plots those baddies were conjuring and the real mystery to the remaining rainbow stones would all come within time. For now he would just remain on alert.

…

(In Grand Ruler's palace)

Grand Ruler: "Have you ever felt like Lightning felt today…?



Anon13: Dude, if I felt like my life was the product of someone like Mykan I’d kill myself and take as many people with me as I possibly could.



Shy, or at a loss of words, or unable to determine what to do next? Almost everyone feels that way from time to time. Even the bravest creature experiences fear or confusion."

"Sometimes it isn't best to face these problems by yourself. In most cases you should talk to someone you look up to.



T_K_17: Like a... friend? What are you trying to say, GR?



Someone that you trust about what confuses you or makes you shy then they can try and help you just like how Rhymey and Krysta helped Lightning today, but it's never a good to be nosey either and intrude on other people's affairs and issues without asking them or understanding what the situation is."



Svensvenderson: And this was shown how?



"Just remember… it's all right to feel shy sometimes but don't let it rule you, and someday maybe you'll overcome it."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"



Disco: The more you know~

DiStort: The less you care~



EPISODE FOURTEEN

Lightning spread word to all his friends about the rainbow stone, and that it really did work. The others almost couldn't wait to try it out for themselves, but what were they thinking?



Anon13: Continuing with this pile-of-crap story?



Were they actually asking for the kingdom to be attacked again just so they could test out new magic?



T_K_17: No, but I am.



No, they decided to let it be and only try to tap into their new powers when the time was right.



Disco: Yes, because not practicing worked so well for the villains.

DiStort: Silly Disco. Everyone knows that heroes can always master their powers within minutes of obtaining them.



So, business just carried on. The unicorns still went to work and did their chores and duties, and once again, Lightning and Krysta were asked by Cookie Dough to deliver an ordered lunch to Brain show



Svensvenderson: Who’s “Brain Show”?



as busy working on a new project.

"What do you think he's making this time?" asked Lightning "A rocket-ship to take us all to the moon."

"I doubt we'd actually need a rocket to do that." said Krysta, "We could just fly up there ourselves."

(Their moon is nothing like the Earth's moon.)



DiStort: Maybe you should waste less time clarifying that and more time clarifying every other plot hole in this thing.

Svensvenderson: And this plot point is important because....?



As they landed near Brain's they could see Dyno and Myte standing outside.

"Hola, amigos." said Dyno when Lightning and Krysta landed.

"Hey boys..! Why are you here?" asked Krysta.

The twins explained that Brain



DiStort: Oh yeah, he’s still in this story isn’t he?



had asked them to cover over to help test his new secret project. "But we waiting out here a long time." said Myte "We try and knock but he don't hear us."

Lightning knocked a few times, but as expected, Brain didn't answer. "That's Brain for you. He gets so wrapped up in his work he can't seem to hear anything else."

Luckily a window was open a wee bit, and Krysta agreed to fly inside and see if she could find Brain. "Back in a flash..."

…

Brain was busy spraying something on a small barrel on his workbench. "There…! My new formula is complete." he said to himself "I just can't wait to tell to the others."

"Well that's good to hear." said a voice from behind, making Brain jump



Svensvenderson: Spraying his ‘stuff’ everywhere.



"Oh… my…! Please, Krysta, I beg you… don't do that again. I get so carried away at times, you know."

"Well just carry yourself to the door, and let the others in." replied Krysta.



Wild Trotter: “Don’t expect my boobs to grow, you hear?”



Brain's eyes widened, "Oh dear! I completely forgot. I shall be back, don't touch anything."



Svensvenderson: Thus assuring Krysta will touch something.



As soon as he was gone, Krysta sat on the barrel that was on the bench and just relaxed there, unaware that the barrel was beginning to fade away into thin air…!

Brain let the others in and apologized for keeping them waiting for so long. "So what's the big secret?" asked Lightning.

Brain explained that he had been working on a new spray-paint he hoped would improve others stamina.



DiStort: This isn’t Sergeant Frog, dude. You can’t just take some random household object and say it has some incredible ability.



This way unicorns like him, that didn't have offensive or defensive magic, could enter battle against a foe and would be more protected against many attacks without sustaining too much damage or getting hurt, and would even feel stronger in brute force for a short while… at least he hoped!

"Qué…? You hope…?" asked Dyno.



T_K_17: No… hoping was wrong…



"I don't like the sound of that." said Myte.

Brain explained, "I have just tried out the new formula on a barrel sitting on my bench. Do whatever you wish with it. Smash it, burn it, blow it up… this formula should make it so you cannot damage it."

"This I must see." muttered Lightning.

"You will in fact. You will." said Brain as he lead everyone into the workshop, but they couldn't see a barrel anywhere. Just Krysta relaxing comfortably in midair "So… where's the barrel?" asked Lightning.

"I do see a barrel, do you?" asked Dyno.

"No… I don't." answered Myte.



DiStort: Well, that settles it. Dyno is insane.



Brain was most confused, "I… I don't understand it."

Krysta woke up. "What going on…?" That's when she noticed, "Huh…?" she was standing on fresh air but her wings weren't fluttering. If anything, she still felt as if she were standing on something solid.

"Krysta…?" Brain said calmly.



Svensvenderson: Hiding his rage.



"Now… where is the barrel? What have you done with it?"

Krysta explained she didn't do anything. "All I did was sit on it and now… nothing."

"Hold on…" Lightning said "Krysta, tap your foot."

As confused as she and the others were, Krysta did as she was told and could actually feel her foot tapping against something solid. "Huh…?" She tried jumping, and could feel her feet stomping on a flat surface.

Brain walked over and gently tapped near Krysta's feet and he could actually feel the barrel. "I wouldn't have believed it possible!"



T_K_17: Because you are a heathen to the ways of believing.



"It's invisible!" cried Krysta.

"Wow, have you hit on something, Brain." said Lightning.



T_K_17: Brain finally finds something he is sexually attracted to.



Dyno and Myte were overjoyed.

"He's a genius."

"Si…! A regular super brain…"

Brain felt very proud.



T_K_17: Even though this discovery was made entirely on accident.



This was indeed a most magnificent discovery, unaware that Rep-Stallion had been peeking through the windows. "Just wait until I tell the others." he said. Then he vanished quickly before he was spotted by the lookout towers.



T_K_17: Something has to remain still in their range for about twenty minutes for the lookout towers to see them.



…

"A paint that makes things invisible…?" Dementia said "Now I've heard of everything. Why can't you ever come up with something more useful?"



Disco: Or original?

Anon13: If you’re stealing ideas from Wile E. Coyote, you may want to rethink things.



Rep-Stallion looked furious "At least I do things more useful than you always prettying yourself up with that goop!"



T_K_17: Rep: “Listen, Dementia. I don’t know who told you otherwise, but feces does not make for an effective beauty product.”



Dementia: “Forget you! I can use all this feces!”



Mysterious hushed them both before they broke out into a fight, and agreed that Rep had indeed discovered something most useful. If they got that formula they'd have a free hove in all their battles, "But first we must test it on our own fields, and for that we'll need a monster."

"Leave it to me…" said Dementia "I've been saving one for just such an occasion."

…

The barrel was still invisible, but Brain already actually managed to chip a little piece of it meaning his formula didn't make it strong, so the test was off. Luckily, Brain had theory and sprayed the barrel with ordinary water, and sure enough it reappeared. "Yes…! Satisfactory...! Most satisfactory…! Just a simple touch of water or any other exterior substance will wash the paint away.



Svensvenderson: So it can be foiled with a squirt gun?

T_K_17: Technically, air is a substance, making this paint completely useless.



Now all that remains to figure how to apply this new invention of mine."

The others assured Brain not to worry about that. Like all his inventions it was bound to be put to good use very soon.



Disco: It figured largely into his latest plot to take over the world.



"Can we help in any way?" asked Lightning.

"Oh, no, no, no… that shouldn't be necessary."



DiStort: “Stupid people aren’t supposed to touch things, you see.”



said Brain.

With that settled, the others decided to leave and let Brain decide what to do. "That Brain…" Krysta chuckled "He just can't seem to tear himself from his work even when he's done."

The others agreed, but nobody realized that something was watching them, hiding in the bushes outside of Brain's house.



T_K_17: Because there wasn’t anything.



As Brain was tidying up around his workshop, and still wondering what to do about the invisible paint. He heard a loud pounding coming from his door, as if someone were trying to force their way in. "I say…! Who's there?" snapped Brain.

The pounding merely continued followed by a growling sound. Brain knew this was troubled, and pressed a big red button on the wall which sounded the alarms to warn the kingdom, and no sooner had he did the door break open and in came a snarling monster made from what looked like, makeup brushes and eyeliner wands. "Oh… my-y-y-y-y…!" cried Brain.



T_K_17: Brain: “This was not how I expected to lose my virginity-y-y-y-y...!”



…

Luckily Lightning and the others hadn't gone too far and began to dash back immediately as soon as the alarms sounded. "Trust there to be trouble exactly where we were before." groaned Lightning.



Anon13: It’s almost as if I was the ridiculous protagonist of a lame fanfic!



Nevertheless, they all continued to dash until they reached Brain's house to see "Dementia…!" standing there.

She turned to face them. "So… the cavalry is here."

"What are you up to now, Dementia?" snapped Lightning.

Dementia sniggered "Oh, you'll see… or maybe you won't." she clapped her hooves, and the gang could hear something making its way through the door of Brain's house, but could see nothing there.

"Qué…?" remarked Dyno

"I see nothing." added Myte

Still, they could all feel something was there, and it was getting closer. Then Lightning felt something swinging at him and pushing him down. "Ah…!"

"Lightning…!" cried Krysta

"Guys, look out!" cried Lightning, but then the twins got tripped up. "AYE…!"

Krysta fluttered up higher before she got hit, only to get caught by Dementia. "Going somewhere?"



Wild Trotter: “Miss Fluttertits is staying put!”



she hissed, and Before Krysta knew it, she was thrown in a small jar and shut in tight, but with air-holes.



T_K_17: That’s... mighty considerate for an evil minion.



"Help…! Let me out! Let me out!"



Wild Trotter: “Dammit, my boobs are swelling up again! Why me!?

Svensvenderson: So if Dementia dies, will Krysta revive her?



Dementia couldn't help bust shake the jar vigorously and laugh at the poor little fairy being rock about inside.



Wild Trotter: Dementia: “Oh, I guess your boobs wedged you in nice and tight.”

Krysta: “Fuck!”



Krysta never felt so dizzy in her life. Dementia simply placed her on the window sill of Brain's house where wouldn't cause any trouble, as long as she was in the jar.



Disco:...Why doesn’t she just kill the fairy? This is the perfect chance!



Poor Krysta couldn't pop the top



DiStort: But she could certainly pop HER top! G’night everypony!



, and she didn't dare try to blast the sides of the jar with her magic for fear of harming herself as the jar was so small.



T_K_17: If only she had the power to generate force fields to protect herself from harm. OH WAIT.



All she could do was watch helplessly as her friends began to get beat up by seemingly nothing…!

Lightning was pushed up against a tree and kept feeling hard punches go into his armor.

Dyno and Myte tried to blast the monster with their rocket-explosives, but their attacks missed completely. "It's no good!"

"We can't find it!"

But the monster seemed to find them, grabbing them both in what felt like spiky hands, it whirled them round and around and rolled them along the ground like balls.

Krysta could tell that this had something to do with Brain's new formula. That was why the monster couldn't be seen, and after all, how could they fight what they couldn't even see?

Dementia decided to rejoin the party,



Disco: it was her turn to play hopscotch,

Svensvenderson: Cue the disco music.



but resisted the urge to spray herself with the paint as it was too gross for her. This left Krysta on her own, still in the jar, and she realized the only way she could escape was shatter the glass by rolling it off the window and into the house where it would break on the floor, and luckily she was able to use her lifting magic, even while inside.

"Okay…!" Krysta said nervously as she braced herself "One… two…" and with a quick wave, she managed to push the jar off the edge, "THREE…!" and down she went. A small drop to some was a long fall to her.

The glass shattered upon hitting the floor, and she was free, despite having a not so smooth landing. "Ohh…! Uhn…!" she groaned as she crawled out of the mess. "Oh, even my wings hurt!"



Disco: How was she not carved up into tiny fairy pieces by the broken glass?

DiStort: Fortitude save.



It sure felt good to be out, but that's when she saw Brain, all tied up and gagged "Brain…!" She wasted no time in freeing him, and it didn't take two guesses to figure how he got in that fix. He



Svensvenderson: Forgot the safeword.



was able to tell her that the monster the others were fighting was actually just made of makeup brushes and eyeliner wands. Krysta thought that was a very weird



Disco: and utterly ridiculous



idea for a monster.

"We need a plan…" Krysta said.

"Not to worry, my dear." Brain said "While I was tied up, I came up with just the solution. Now… this is what we shall do…"



T_K_17: Krysta: “Well, it sounds like a good plan, but is the maid outfit really necessary?”



Brain: “Sorry, but I’ve always wanted to wear one.”



…

Lightning got shoved hard again by the invisible monster! "Ugh…!"

Dyno and Myte were struggling with Dementia, but their explosives seemed to be no match for her field warping. "Nobody messes with my face…!" she sneered.

"We can't… keep this up!" cried Lightning as he was pinned up against a tree by the monsters invisible, spiky hands. "Ow…!"

The twins agreed, but what could they do.



T_K_17: They already know that any exterior substance will wash off the paint. Why aren’t they doing that?



"That's easy…" Dementia hissed as she began to walk forward



Svensvenderson: Did she just answer a rhetorical question from the narrative?



"You can finally admit defeat and surrender yourselves willingly."

"Fat chance of that!" snapped Dyno. "Si…! We will never give in to you…!"

Dementia sighed "Fine then…" and she raised one hove and held the twins in place with a warping barrier so they couldn't run anywhere, and then raised her other hove ready for another blast. "Oh boy…!" cried Lightning. He managed to break out of the monster's grip with his extra strength, but no matter how hard he tried to help the twins, the invisible monster just wouldn't let him through. "Guys…!" he shouted.



T_K_17: Lightning: “You can’t die! You still owe me money!”



"Nice knowing you, Dyno!"

"Likewise to, Myte…!"

The twins let out a scream, but just as Dementia was about to blast them. "YAAHH…!" she shrieked as she felt someone pull on the back of her mane with such force. With her concentration broken, the Twins were released, but they couldn't understand what was going on.

Dementia looked as if she was fighting with nothing but clean air, but something was defiantly pulling at her mane.



T_K_17: She was actually fighting dirty air.



"Let… go of me…! Ow…!"

"What's wrong, Dementia…?" squeaked a tiny little voice. "Need some help styling your mane?"

Dementia couldn't see anything. "You little insect!" she shouted "When I get my hooves on her you I'll- AAAAHH…!" the more she struggled, the tighter Krysta pulled, keeping her well distracted.



DiStort: Lamest. Weakness. EVER.

Anon13: Lamest. Minion. EVER.



Dyno and Myte felt confused, but suddenly they gazed at each other. "Dyno…! You are disappearing…!"

"Ah…! So are you!"

Soon they vanished completely.



T_K_17: My dreams! They are coming true!



"Dyno…? Myte…?" cried Lightning as the struggled with the monster "What's going on here?"

That's when a floating sprayer of Brain's invisible paint seemed to float up right towards him. "What the…" and it sprayed him too. "Hey!" Then he, too, went invisible.

"Lightning…" Brain called "Don't be frightened. It is all part of my plan. Now listen closely!"

Soon it was all made clear.



Svensvenderson: Invisible clear, or window clear?



With Brain's spray on them it evened things out. "They couldn't see the monster, but now it couldn't see them either.



DiStort: So we’ve basically rendered the entire battle a stalemate. Cool, thanks a lot, asshole.

Crazy56U: You know... as much of a “genius” Brain is... he’s fucking stupid.



Brain also pointed out, just because they couldn't see the monster, didn't mean they couldn't hear it.



Svensvenderson: It can hear you too, genius.



Dyno and Myte liked the idea, now all they had to do was concentrate. Sure enough it was easy to tell where the monster way,



T_K_17: It was much harder, however, to tell where the monster was.



what with its big feet stomping on the ground and the way the grass move when being walked on. "There is!" cried Lightning. "Get him…!"

That's when he charged ahead and rammed the monster hard knocking it down.

"What's going on…?" snarled Dementia

"Looks like the tables have turned." Krysta said "Or rather… doesn't look… or uh… meh!"



Disco: Wow, even she realized how stupid that line was.



she pulled Dementia's mane one last time "Aah…!" and then kicked her hard in the nose. "Ohh…!"

Then she ran over to join the fight. "Time to shine…!" she teased as she sprinkled her fairy dust over the area where the monster was, covering it from head to toe.



DiStort: Because she can do that now.



Now it could be seen perfectly. "All right, Krysta!" called Lightning.

The twins decided to go next and try a little something they learned from the rainbow stone a while ago.



T_K_17: The magic of incest.



"Ready, brother…?"

"I was born ready and so were you."

After finding where each other was, the twins joined hooves, "SHOCK ROCK WAVE!" and they both obvious jumped and pounded the ground very hard. This sent a long path of erupting ground towards the monster, hitting it with such power, almost an explosion.

Lightning summoned the rainbow rod and began to charge it up. It sure looked funny seeing the rod just float all by itself… except to the monster…!



Svensvenderson: *facehoof*



"RAINBOW FORCE…!"

The monster was hit and vanished, and the magic dissolved. Dementia was outraged. "Time for me to vanish!" she snarled, and she was gone.

"Satisfactory!" cried Brain "Most… Most… MOST satisfactory…!"



T_K_17: Brain: Most... Most... Most... Most... Most... MOST... MOOOOOOOOSSSSSSTTTTT... SATISFACTORY-Y-Y-Y-Y...... I came.”



"Uh… well… almost." said Lightning "Think you can wash this paint us now?"

The others just laughed.

…

Dementia was really in a mess. Her nose was all red and swollen, and she had an ice-bag attached to her sore head. "Uhn…! Look at me! I'm hideous."

"We heard you the first and thirty-first times!" snarled Rep-Stallion.



T_K_17: Rep: “We didn’t hear you the second through thirtieth times, though.”



As the two of them quarreled, Mysterious realized that these monsters were not working, and stealing the invisible paint didn't work out too well either.

It was decided to continue training to master their knight powers, and nothing more. If he could get the others to quit babbling! "Hey! Hey…! Knock it off you too." But he soon found himself arguing with them.

…

Everyone washed the pain off of them



Svensvenderson: I want to wash the pain off too, but it just won’t go away!

T_K_17: Fuck the Pain Away Fuck the Pain Away Fuck the Pain Away



and became visible again. Brain decided to put his new formula in his safe and work on it another day. "Well… I must say, this invention certainly gave us more than we bargained for. I shall have to work on it some more and get it working more effectively."

"Just think…" Krysta pointed out "If Dementia had gotten it for good, we'd be in for it bad."



Anon13: Methinks many of the people involved have been huffing paint.

Starting with Mykan.



"Just the same, we managed to get out of another situation, but the sooner we find the other rainbow stones the better." said Lightning.

The twins agreed, and decided to run off and train some more. "I'll show you to the door…" Brain offered, but suddenly he tripped over something. "Oh…!" and fell flat on the floor.

Lightning examined the area where Brain had tripped; there was still one crate that somehow had been coated in paint that Brain didn't notice. "Well… now who's a fool?"



Anon13: EVERYBODY INVOLVED WITH THIS.

Crazy56U: Me for getting rid of my beer.



…

(In Grand Rulers Palace)

Grand Ruler: "Poor Brain… his invention may have caused a little trouble, but it taught the others how to use their other senses. You know some people and other creatures that cannot see often use their other senses of hearing, smelling, or even feeling to know that something is there, but sometimes even those who that can see can often miss certain things."



T_K_17: For instance: some people who can see still can’t see how their entire story is a convoluted, derivative mess that should never have been written.



"It is also a good thing to know that just you cannot see something, or haven't seen it, doesn't not mean it doesn't exist or isn't there, but most importantly… everyone also sees things differently than others.



DiStort: And this moral applies... how exactly?



To look at something through your own eyes is simple enough, but to see things through someone else's is a different matter. It is these things that make us special or different, but it doesn't make us look, or seem much different than each other. That's something we must all see every day."

"And I'll SEE you all next time, and keep on believing."



Disco: And knowing is half the battle! GI JOOOOOE!

Anon13: Y’know, I think I’ll revise my assessment from before... this fic is what a Bollywood studio would make if they heard a tiny bit about FiM, didn’t know what ponies actually looked like, but still wanted to rip it off for a cheesy kids’ show at about 1/10th the cost. Fortunately they don’t have to give any money to writers because the tech support guys put together an automatic cliche generator that they use for scripts.

T_K_17: Even count: 53





* * *





DiStort: (Pulls out small bag) A bag of weed, a bag of weed, oh everything is better with a bag of weed...

Svensvenderson: *cracks knuckles* Let’s go.



EPISODE FIFTEEN

Several unicorns, even Lightning and Starla,



T_K_17: Wow. Even those losers?



had been summoned to Grand Ruler's palace. A rainbow stone had been located in another dimension, and the time had come to send a volunteer or two through the portal warp.



DiStort: Send out an APB on anyone wearing a red shirt.

Svensvenderson: I’d volunteer, if only to get out of this fanfic.



As much as Lightning wanted to go, he knew he couldn't in case Titan's minions tried to attack again, and Grand Ruler couldn't go either as it would be most unwise to leave his kingdom during such fearful times. He had to stay and maintain the order of nature and balance anyway.



Svensvenderson: Because he’s done such a swell job of that so far.



Buddy Rose and Artie decided to go, and Doctor Penny was summoned to give them examinations to see if they could physically survive the trip,



Svensvenderson: I suppose they don’t have a M.A.L.P. on hand.



and or any ordeals they would come across on their adventure, but Buddy and Artie were very nervous, almost afraid even.



T_K_17: Much as one would expect from members of a warrior race.



They had never had been outside of the kingdom before, and didn't know what to expect. They didn't even know where they were going



Wild Trotter: Where would they go? They would probably meet up with those ex-Unicornicopian rebels for all I know.



They had gone to the library many times to research on as many of the outer-dimensions as they could, but there was just so much, almost too much they Inquerius suggested they leave and relax.

Still… the rainbow stone was very important, and needed to be obtained at all costs. The boys agreed to do it, no matter what.



DiStort: The women, however, were scared and useless.

T_K_17: Don’t talk about Lightning that way!



Grand Ruler was proud of them.

"Are you ready…?" he asked them. The boys just hesitated, and gazed nervously at one another, and as Grand Ruler tried to explain that no one was forcing them to go if they want to, "I'm ready…"

"Me too…"



Disco: And suddenly this was a ship-fic.

Drizzel: That would be somewhat enjoyable.

Anon13: Not with Mykan's issues.



Grand Ruler smiled and went over their final details, but also granted them one last thing before departure. He stood upright, folded his hooves,



T_K_17: *CRACK*



and concentrated.



Svensvenderson: Later that day...



His golden horns glowed and zapped the boys' horns with soft lights.

He explained that he had made it so their horns would help them locate the rainbow stone. The closer they got, the brighter their horns would glow,



T_K_17: Hopefully they weren’t planning a stealthy approach.



and if they were separated it could help them find each other as well and also the precise area where they would land upon arrival so they could return. All they had to do was return to the position where they landed and send a flash of light from their horns to signal the transport.



Disco: Assuming, of course, that they didn’t die horribly.



The bottom line who nobody knew who or what they would find inside that dimension. "Go with care boys." Grand Ruler said "Look out for one another and return with not only the stone, but also with swiftness and experience."



T_K_17: GR: “And my lawn gnome. Seriously, I haven’t seen the thing in ages, so maybe you’ll find it out there.”



The boys bowed to their ruler. "We won't fail you, your majesty." said Buddy Rose.

"We'll the get the stone." added Artie.

The large stone doors were already open, and there was the portal gate all ready. All the boys had to do was step or jump through it.



Drizzel: Or skip if they were feeling feminine.

Svensvenderson: Or Rhymey.

Anon13: I really don’t want to think about anyone feeling Rhymey, thankyouverymuch.



"Good luck, guys!" said Lightning.

"Come back safe." added Krysta.

The boys nodded, and then turned to face the portal. They both took a running start and jumped in, and with a two bright flashes… they were gone!



Disco: And suddenly this turned into a Stargate crossover.

Svensvenderson: But they didn’t engage any chevrons!



"Boy, I sure wish I was going with them." Lightning said

Grand Ruler understood how he felt.



DiStort: But only because he wanted to be as far away from Lightning as physically possible.

Svensvenderson: As do all the readers.



For now, all they could do was wait.

…

Buddy and Artie felt like they were going down a super fun slide like at Pinkie Park, going over and under, in loops and curves as they sailed across the pathway through dimensional space. What a sight to behold! The colors of the void outside was prettier than a rainbow,



Svensvenderson: “Should have sent a poet...”



but just the thought of the fact that straying from the path and falling into it, and getting thrown to who knew where, did not make it seem as friendly.

They didn't notice a pair of red, and evil looking eyes gazing at them from afar. Then they vanished into the void.



Wild Trotter: Probably D’Sparil, eager to flatten Unicornicopia himself.



So many portals to so many other worlds and dimensions passed by, and they too were amazing to look at and wonder what they were like.



DiStort: I can guarantee that every one of them is at least a little bit more interesting than Unicornicopia.



"Look up ahead…!" cried Artie. A large glow of light was illuminating ahead of them and getting brighter every second. "It's the portal!" cried Buddy



T_K_17: Now he’s thinking with them.



"We're almost there! Get ready to fly!"

The boys spread their wings just as they reached the end of the path and after a bright flash of light they found themselves soaring high in the skies above the new world.



Svensvenderson: “I claima dis land for Spain!”



"We made it!" Buddy Rose cried excitedly.



Disco: They immediately plummeted to their deaths. The End.

DiStort: Cue the Looney Tunes music.



"Yeah… but exactly where are we?" asked Artie. Neither one of them could see through the clouds as they were up far too high. In fact, the clouds below seemed orange and grey instead of white and fluffy. The boys started to have a really bad feeling,



Disco: So they’ve never seen a sunset before?



and decided to fly lower and investigate. They weren't likely to find the rainbow stone in the sky anyway.



DiStort: I hope it’s in a cloud somewhere, just so they never find it.



As they dropped below the clouds, what they saw nearly turned their bloods cold. Everywhere they looked they saw ruin and destruction as if a-thousand storms had ravaged the lands below.



Disco: The last Bronycon was insane.

Drizzel: Next year we’re gonna hold it on Unicornicopia, just to make this result.



The grounds were all laden with rocks and bits of rubble, planks and logs of wood. Buddy Rose could tell just by looking at the ground, "I could never plant anything in this. My whole garden would die in a second."



DiStort: Don’t blame the land just because you suck at your job.

T_K_17: Just a friendly reminder that this guy likes gardening, in case any of you forgot he had any distinguishing characteristics.



Artie never saw anything so awful before, but he reminded Buddy, "Come on, we have a job to do here."



T_K_17: Artie: “Those survivors aren’t going to kill themselves.”



Buddy agreed. They had to find the rainbow stone and get back, "Maybe we can find out what happened too."

And so they went along their way.

…

Back in Unicornicopia, Lightning and Krysta were charged with looking after Buddy Rose's garden while he was away.



DiStort: Hi-jinks ensue.



It was a good thing they saw him do it so many times which was why they were doing so well.



T_K_17: Watching Buddy made them better gardeners in the same way that watching John Lennon made Yoko Ono a better singer.



Lightning was tending to the wedding



Svensvenderson: Wait, Lightning’s getting married?



while Krysta sprinkled water on the plants. She couldn't help



Svensvenderson: Because she was a fairy.



but wonder if the plants missed Buddy Rose.

"Well… I bet these weeds don't!" growled Lightning as he struggled to yank them out, only to fling backwards into the wheelbarrow and hit the wall.



Disco: Our hero has finally found his kryptonite.

T_K_17: Buddy would never know what happened to his prized begonias.



Krysta couldn't help but giggle. Lightning was not amused. "Very funny, Krysta…" he grumbled.

As the two of them worked, they couldn't help but wonder how Buddy Rose and Artie were doing. "What do you think they've found?"



Drizzel: “A better story.”

GelidEnmity: *Puts a pickle on his head* “... W-” *inches closer* “I’ll shut up now...”



Krysta wondered aloud.

"I don't know… but I'll bet that it's pretty exciting and maybe even fun."



T_K_17: Or maybe they met The Pain.



…

If they only knew…!



T_K_17: Buddy: “OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY'RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!”



Buddy and Artie found no signs of life, but just more chaos and destruction wherever they went.



Wild Trotter: With a heapin’ helpin’ of angry demons on the side.



They were starting to think that maybe something had attacked this realm, "But what…?" asked Buddy Rose. It obviously wasn't Titan, when he was sealed away all realms under his curse went back to normal.



T_K_17: Somehow.

Anon13: Fortunately they had a copy of “The Nitwit’s Guide to Cliched Evil Entities”



"From the looks of this damage…" said Artie "I'd say this place was attacked recently… but I don't think it was Titan. We all saw the last of him long ago."



DiStort: You know saying that only makes it more likely that he’ll come back, right?



As the boys pondered over this, their horns gave a quick, soft glow.



Svensvenderson: They both coughed in embarrassment.



"Did you see that…?" asked Buddy. Their horns glowed again "I saw it…" answered Artie. This was what they were waiting for. They were getting closer to the rainbow stone, and the sooner they found it, the sooner they could leave.

They ran along and, just as The Grand Ruler had said, their horns were glowing brighter than ever, which meant they were getting closer.



T_K_17: To coming.



The problem was the two of them were so concentrated on following their horns they lost track of each other and ended up wandering away from one another, and they didn't realize it until it was too late.

"Buddy Rose…?"



Svensvenderson: If they’re right next to each other, and heading in the same direction, how do they lose each other?!

T_K_17: GR actually programmed their horns to lead them to two completely different places, just to fuck with them.



…

"Artie…? Where'd you go?"

Buddy found he was all alone and wandering about, but his horn was still glowing though. He couldn't decide whether or not to keep trying to find the stone, or look for Artie.



T_K_17: The third option was to forget both and get stoned. It was the most tempting of the three.



Both were so important, but ultimately he decided to look for his friend. All he had to do was follow his horn as it glowed in orange, the same color as Artie.



Drizzel: These mood-horns were working out great.

GelidEnmity: Alright, I swear to god, the next time something stupid is said, I’m putting a banana on my head.

…



GelidEnmity: *Puts banana on his head while making a derp face*



Artie was still looking for Buddy as well, when suddenly he heard a small clattering sound coming from the wreckage of a smashed home.



T_K_17: Artie: “Finally! Food!”



"Who's there…?" he called. "Hello…?"

The clattering continued and Artie moved closer. His horn was also glowing brighter than ever, but not red to locate Buddy Rose, but rather the stone he was looking for. "Hello…?"

He reached the wreckage and began to move some of the rubble aside. His horn was glowing wildly now,



T_K_17: He has such a raging glow right now.



and there ahead, he could see something shiny- A small jewel, half red and half orange. "That… that's it!" he cried "I found it! I found the rainbow stone!"

Suddenly, he heard the sound of someone whimpered. "Please…" it squeaked "Don't hurt me!"

Artie felt confused. "Whoever you are…I'm not going to hurt you."



Disco: “I have darker plans for you!”

DiStort: He’s been having secret meeting with Cookie Dough.



he said gently as he tried to get inside through the wreckage. He still couldn't see who was there though. "It's okay… you don't have to be afraid of me."

The creature saw Artie get closer and could see he was unicorn.



Svensvenderson: Because being a unicorn automatically makes you trustworthy.



She gently stepped forward revealing that she was a small human-like creature with pointy ears, short black hair.



DiStort: So... a Vulcan?

Drizzel: Spock: (shudder) I sense a disturbance.

Anon13: You're A LITTLE LATE.



Yet she was all dirty, seemed famished, and was wearing a set of ragged old clothes that had seemed partially burned, and hung on a band round her head was indeed the rainbow stone.

"It's okay… you can trust me." Artie stood on all fours and extended his front right hove in a friendly manner; the little girl walked up to him slowly and gently touched his hove with her hand.



T_K_17: His prey now sufficiently close, Artie pounced on the hapless creature. Artie fed well that day.



"What's your name…?" Artie asked.

The girl hesitated for a moment, and then said "Ilia. I'm an elf."



DiStort: No, buck that. I say you’re a Vulcan and you’re a Vulcan.

Svensvenderson: No, Vulcan’s don’t emote. She must be a Romulan.

Anon13: If you’ll forgive my nerdiness... she was a Deltan in the first Star Trek flick.



Artie wanted to know everything… so Ilia explained.



Anon13: Ilia explained everything? Yeesh.

Drizzel: "In the beginning there was nothing, then God said let there be light, and then..."



Her dimension was called Elfaron…



DiStort: Clever.

Anon13: In the first draft it was “Plotpointopia”



It used to be a harmonious place with lush green fields; forests, ponds, and all her kind were elves. They were a peaceful race who had ceased the need for weapons, or magic powers for many centuries and devoted their lives to potion-making,



Svensvenderson: Potions that are 94 proof.



or even playing and enjoying the necessities of life.

However, recently, an evil creature- a giant dark serpent-like monster with fangs, razor-sharp fins, and red burning eyes found its way into her realm, and began to lay a path of destruction and chaos as it was searching for something.



Drizzel: He called it a Macguffin.

T_K_17: An evil, chaotic, serpent-like creature? Never seen one of those before.



Everyone panicked and immediately escaped the realm to seek sanctuary somewhere else, but she was mistakenly left behind, and felt too afraid to leave on her own. She had no idea where to go.



Wild Trotter: Evil Steven Magnet? Oh noes!

Disco: His rampages are fabulous!



…

Poor Ilia, he eyes were brimming with tears.



Svensvenderson: And Mykan’s inability to keep the genders of his characters straight strikes again!



Artie very sorry for her, but couldn't help but wonder about the description of this monster. It didn't sound like anything of Titan or his minions' doing, but it was familiar.

"You've been alone all this time?" Artie asked.

"Mm-hmm…!" Ilia murmured as she wiped her tears, but then… the ground began to shake. "What's going on?" asked Artie.



T_K_17: Oh they’re just shaking the camera. Try wobbling around a bit to enhance the effect, Artie.



"Oh no…!" cried Ilia "The beast approaches!"

Artie ran to an opening in the wreckage and could see a trail of dust off in the distance and heading straight for them as the rumbling got worse. "It's still here…?" he wondered aloud, but it was pretty obvious the creature was still there.



T_K_17: Even the narrator can tell when the characters are asking stupid questions now.



"Ilia, you stay here… I'm going to check this out."



Svensvenderson: There’s a line indicating a nice full life ahead of a character!



For all her begs and pleas for him not to go, Artie dashed back outside, and readied his "BIG BRUSH SPEAR!" Then he stood ready to face this thing. "How big can it be…?"

The demon got closer and closer and by the time it reached near Artie, it was about the size, length, and width of Buddy Roses' entire garden,



Disco: My, what an unusual euphemism.



and that was gigantic. "Uh… oh…!"

The giant serpent demon stopped in its tracks and gazed at Artie. Its raspy breathing and hissing made Artie want to run, but he had to be brave for Ilia, and not give her position away. "I am unicornicopian HV7J.



DiStort: Your name? Buck that. A serial number makes a much better battle cry.



Who are you, and why have you laid waste to this dimension?"



Svensvenderson: That ought to do it. Thanks very much Artie.



The demon hissed and breathed in a snarly growl and then answered. "I am… Serpent-Terror…!"

"Serpent-Terror…?"



Wild Trotter: Serpent-Terror? You’re not even trying, are you author?

Disco: He’s constantly pushing the blandness envelope.



"The stone…!" hissed the demon "Give me the stone!"



T_K_17: Artie: “I don’t have your stone; and fuck you anyway!”



Artie could only assume he meant the rainbow stone,



Svensvenderson: No Artie, he means to castrate you.

Anon13: Please. Artie has stones?



but there was no way he'd let such a monster get it, or it would lead him to Ilia. He just stood there and gripped his spear tight. This angered the demon greatly. "Heh, heh, heh…! You dare conceal its location? You are courageous, but foolish as well!" and he began to charge forward.

Artie tried his "PAINT BOMBS…!" but it was like throwing pebbles against an oncoming brick wall,



Isphone: So... balls filled with paint don’t do anything. You don’t say?



no effect at all. Serpent-Tyrant just laughed and then opened his huge mouth "PLASMA VAPOUR…!" and he breathed a huge burst of trailing energy that Artie barely dodged,



DiStort: Don’t worry, if he’s anything like Serpentera from Power Rangers, he’ll only be able to do that like, twice.



"WHOA…!" the blast went right past him and kept right on going and going until it reached a far off mountain… KABLAM!



Disco: KABLAM? I loved that show!



Such an explosion wiped out the whole mountain.

Artie couldn't believe his eyes, even Titan was never able to cause such destruction so easily as that, but he still wouldn't tell where the stone was.

The demon was charging again, and Artie tried his "PAINT BLOBS…!" to try and blind it in the eyes, but once again it had no effect.



T_K_17: The Paint Bombs failed entirely, but the Paint Blobs were a sure fire thing!



"What is with this thing?" None of his attacks were so much as making him flinch.

"Now try some of my own tricks…" Serpent sneered, "SMALL SERPENT SOLDIERS!"



Drizzel: Your red-shirts for the evening.

DiStort: Y’know, alliteration alone doesn’t make the name clever.

T_K_17: No, but referencing unrelated 90s movies is way past cool!



His eyes glowed madly and right up from the ground emerged several lizard-like monsters, all with sharp claws and gnashing teeth. They didn't seem too tough though and he could take them on, but while he was busy fending them off, the demon was heading straight for the wreckage.

"Ilia…!" she was still in there, he had to try and get her out but he couldn't get past the monsters. "No…!" was all he could shout as he watched Serpent smash through the wreckage, and leaving nothing left.

Artie batted the monsters away with one swing of his spear, and he was ever so upset. "Ilia…!" he cried, but then he heard her voice from above. "Artie…!"

He looked up, and she was fine, riding with "Buddy Rose…!"



Svensvenderson: “John...!” “Marsha...!”



His friend winked at him "Well, I thought I'd never find you, and we got the stone!" He held out his hove to show Ilia had kindly given him the red and orange rainbow stone.



T_K_17: As kindly as an elf can after being beaten within an inch of their life.



Artie was overjoyed. Now they could leave, "But first to take care of some business." Artie snapped.



DiStort: Or you could do the smart thing and just leave, considering A: this is not your home dimension, so what happens in it is none of your damn business, and B: You’ve known that girl for all of five seconds.



The lizard monsters were all coming at him at once, but Buddy Rose decided to help with a new trick he had learned before.



Svensvenderson: Ass, meet Pull.



He placed Ilia down safely where she wouldn't get hurt and then soared back up high and flapped his wings hard at the ground, "SOIL STORM…!"



Anon13: and promptly soiled himself.



His wings flapping stirred up a lot of dust. Now the monsters couldn't see a thing, it was time for Artie to try his new trick.

He raised his spear over his head, and bean whirling it round and around like a propeller. "ART ATTACK SPIN!" The spinning went faster and faster, and the sides of it began to flare with sparkling colors. Artie ran forward, still spinning the spear, and swung hard unleashing a wave of magic at the monsters, dissolving them into thin air, and he stopped spinning his spear.

Ilia leapt for joy. She was so glad the monsters were gone, but she pointed out. "He's coming back!" Serpent-Tyrant



DiStort: Oh shit, looks like Serpent-Terror called up his older brother.



was coming after them again shouting. "Give me that stone!"

The boys decided it was time to leave, and since they couldn't leave poor Ilia behind,



Svensvenderson: Because that’d be too easy.



they were forced to take her with them. Soon all three of them were soaring high, but Serpent-Tyrant surprised them again by rising off the ground. "He can fly too…?" cried Buddy Rose.

"PLASMA VAPOUR…!"

"Look out!" screamed Ilia, and the boys managed to avoid his blast. They had to get to the spot where they landed and fast. Their horns were glowing faster indicating the point. "But wait… we can't just bring a stranger to Unicornicopia…" said Artie. "What will The Grand Ruler say?"



Disco: Yes, ask more stupid questions. Never mind the giant snake trying to devour

you.



Buddy Rose paid no attention, and they both kept going and going, until they reached their specific spot and sent out the glowing signal. "Hang on, Ilia." said Buddy Rose.

Serpent-Tyrant could see them from the skies and began to dive straight for them growling "Rainbow stone…!"

The three friends let out a scream, but suddenly they were swooped up by a tube of light that carried them away just in time. Serpent missed them and skid along the grounds.



Anon13: Wait, I thought they were in the air?

…

Across the pathway, through Dimensional space they went. "Where are we going…?" cried Ilia.



Svensvenderson: ♫There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going♫



"Just hang on!" shouted Artie

As they continued to wander, Ilia could suddenly feel the force of something pulling her away, clear off Buddy's back. "ILIA…!" the boys shouted, but there was nothing they could do now. The pull of the path they were traveling was too strong.



T_K_17: Ilia ended up at the North Pole, where she was forced to work in Santa’s slave camp.



…

The portal gate in Grand Ruler's palace was glowing madly, and in a bright flare, the boys emerged, and landed with a thud, and the stone doors closed tight concealing the portal away. "No, wait!" cried Buddy Rose, but it was too late.

"Ilia…" cried Artie "Was she…?"

"She's perfectly fine, boys." said a voice from behind. It was The Grand Ruler, who was pleased that they had returned safely and with the second rainbow stone. "What happened to Ilia…?" asked Artie. "Is she alright…?" asked Buddy Rose.



T_K_17: The Grand Ruler was displeased that they failed to find his lawn gnome, so he had her taken to a bad place.



Grand Ruler assured them she was okay. He had been observing things ever since the boys had left,



Svensvenderson: Does he do anything besides watching everything the characters do?

Anon13: Just be happy he doesn’t have a breathing fetish.



and when he found out about Ilia, he used his golden horns to contact her father, the leader of Elfaron, who was so happy to hear she was safe. Grand Ruler used his magic to send Ilia to the dimension where her people were safe.



Disco: My, how absurdly convenient.



The boys were very relieved to hear that, and also relieved not to worry about Ilia and her kind.



DiStort: “Now that it’s not our problem, we can go back to not caring.”



Their dimension was in ruin, but it was possible for them to rebuild and start over. That is… after assurance that Serpent-Tyrant would never attack again!

Grand Ruler promised he would never allow that monster to enter his kingdom, and would do his best to keep him outside.



Disco: The rest of the world was completely screwed.

…

Leaving the stone in Grand Ruler's possession, the boys headed down to home sweet home. Lightning and Krysta were delighted that they were back, especially since they had been gardening all day and were exhausted. "I guess some people just don't have a green hove." Buddy Rose joked "Come to think of it, neither do I."



T_K_17: None of you have a green hove because a hove isn’t a body part. It’s “hoof”, you dumbass.



"What an adventure…!" sighed Artie. He had so many ideas and so many paintings to make to describe it. The only person who was curious was Lightning. "Serpent-Tyrant…!" he thought to himself "Could it be…? Is he that monster that killed my parents?"



T_K_17: Lighting: “Perhaps I may finally have a chance to thank him.”



"You alright, Lightning…?" asked Krysta.

Lightning didn't know if he or anyone else would be alright. Now it was clear there was another evil out there, and he too was searching for the rainbow stones, but why nobody knew. All they knew was they had to find the remaining two stones and not let Serpent-Tyrant get them!

…

As for Serpent-Tyrant… he was very outraged that he missed a stone. "They have not heard the last of me…!" he hissed deeply, and then he took off high into the sky and vanished, leaving the dimension. After which, those same glowing red eyes shone in the darkness, and then faded!



Disco: *Facehoofs* How many villainous cliches can one character have?!

…

(In Grand Ruler's Palace)

Grand Ruler: "What an adventure it was today. Buddy Rose and Artie saw a lot of things they had never seen before, and met someone in need of help.



Svensvenderson: Who will never be seen or mentioned again.



Even though they were sent to find the treasure, they did what their hearts thought was right, and thanks to their efforts and teamwork, they helped each other find the rainbow stone and helped Ilia escape certain doom



T_K_17: That still would have happened if they just focused on finding the stone, because they were all in the same place.



, but then again they also could had been led into a trap."



Anon13: So... don’t help people? Except sometimes? Do you have, like, a pamphlet or something?



"Sometimes we must choose whether to follow our instructions, or trust in our own instincts, but it is uncertain which way will truly lead you to your goal.



T_K_17: But both paths led to the same place! This lesson is stupid!



Sometimes the obvious choice is the wrong choice, and the right path is not the easy one. We all learn and discover new things every day, and some will change your life and the way you think forever."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"



Disco: If you believe in yourself, eat all your school, stay in milk, drink your teeth,

don’t do sleep, and get 8 hours of drugs, you can get work!



EPISODE SIXTEEN

(Part One)

Lightning had hardly gotten too much sleep lately, as he couldn't seem to expel the thoughts of Serpent-Tyrant from his mind,



DiStort: Even though he personally never saw the thing.



and even if he did manage to get a little sleep, he would then have a recurring nightmare from his past… the time when his parents were killed by that monster!

Then he'd wake up with a terrified gasp.



T_K_17: Lightning: “Man, if only my parents were billionaires, then at least I could become Batman when they kicked the bucket.”



Krysta was getting worried about Lightning and decided he go see Penny for a physical. So he did…

…

Penny gave Lightning a thorough physical



Disco: Suuure she did.

DiStort: Giggidy.



, and even asked him some psychological, and somewhat confusing and pointless questions



DiStort: Welcome to our world, Lightning.



, by the end of the exam all Penny could suggest was not think about it and try to take his mind off it.



Svensvenderson: Gee, thanks.

Anon13: Yeah, just put the horrific psychological trauma out of your mind. Next!



"Here… this will help." Penny said as she readied a shot for him.



T_K_17: *BLAM*



"Say…! What are you doing?" Lightning asked nervously when he saw the needle. Penny explained that medicine she was giving would help relax him so he wouldn't have the nightmare for a bit and remain calm. "It might make you sleepy though when you least expect it, but it's for your own good."



Disco: There’s no way this could backfire horribly!



"Okay… you're the doctor." Lightning said. Then he felt the needle prick him, "Ouch…!"

"There! All done…" Penny said.

"Thanks for nothing." Lightning remarked.



Svensvenderson: “You've got the, the light from the console... keep you, lift you up. They shine like... little angels...”



Krysta couldn't help but giggle.

…

Titan's minions had been training for a while, and now they were still in their knight forms, and had been that way for a while without feeling too weak.



T_K_17: Great job, faggots. You let the bad guys get control of their powers instead of defeating them when they were weak.



"Ha, ha, ha… I've never felt so strong before since ever." chuckled Rep-Stallion as he smashed a rock to pieces with one swing of his double-bladed scythe.



Isphone: A pick axe?



They had also learned new projectile attacks, and Dementia was having a fun with those. "Nya,



DiStort: Dementia is now a cat.



ha, ha… Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the pretties and strongest of all?" she kept on saying.



Svensvenderson: The mirror constantly pleaded the 5th.



"Are we ready now?" Mysterious asked. The others nodded in agreement. "Those unicorns have made fools of us one too many times." growled Dementia.



Anon13: No, that was pretty much Mykan’s doing. Get him!



Rep-Stallion ran his fingers across his scythe blades,



DiStort: Promptly severing them.



"But what goes around… is about to about to come around."

…

Lightning still went to work, eventually stopping off at the library to help Inquerius sort and stack extra piles of books for her. "Feel any better yet?" Krysta asked.

"Well… I do feel less agitated." Lightning answered "I don't even feel tired."

"Why would you feel tired?" Inquerius asked. Lightning would've said don't ask, but then again that was like telling Inquerius not to talk as she only asked questions. "I'll be fine. It's no big deal."



T_K_17: Lighting: “I don’t want to brush off her question, so instead I’ll just brush off her question.”



After all the books were sorted, Lightning and Krysta prepared to leave, when he ran into Starla, who was carrying large pile of more books and couldn't see where she was going. "Oh… Lightning…" she said.

Lightning began to feel a little shy. "Hi… Hi… Starla. Sorry about that."

"No I'm sorry."

"No, no, no… it was my fault."



Disco: They’re apologizing for this fanfic.



They kept exchanging apologies back and forth



T_K_17: They then battled to the death over who was more sorry.



, until they realized they were gazing into each other's eyes. They both turned away giggling and blushing softly. Krysta just rolled her eyes at how typical they were acting.

As Lighting helped Starla gather her books and take them back to her room in the tower, he playfully asked. "Don't I owe you a milkshake?"

Starla's ears perked up, and she blushed. "I… I don't know…" she said "Do you… want… do you want to…?"



Disco: “Do yours bring all the colts to the yard?”



"See you after work?" Lightning teased.

"Sure…I'd love to." Starla peeped softly.



DiStort: Well, at least they didn’t call it a “play-date” this time.



They were gazing at each other like standing in a flowery warm meadow.



Svensvenderson: Mykan, I don’t think that simile works. At all.



Krysta liked seeing this.



T_K_17: Krysta: *FAP* *FAP* *FAP*



…

As soon as she and Lightning left, Krysta couldn't help but say "Lightning… don't you think you and Starla should do more than just these simple dates?"



DiStort: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.



Lightning was confused. "What do you mean?"

Krysta explained that he and Starla had such great times together, and were obviously getting warmer with each other. "Why don't you just ask her to be your mare-friend?"

Lightning's face turned red and he almost felt stressed out, but the medicine helped him not panic.



Svensvenderson: Penny apparently shot Lightning full of Valium.



"Uh… I… oh… gee…!" However, he decided not to deny it. He had been thinking about it for a while, but kept on deciding against it. Not just because he was nervous and things like that, but also because of the dangers…!



Disco: He’d read enough cliched ship-fics to know better.

Svensvenderson: Either that or clopfics.



Always having to fend off against evil forces and risking themselves in so many ways.



T_K_17: You mean exactly what they are doing now?



Especially since Lightning was the primary target of Titan's minions and who knew what or who else would be after him. This meant that Starla would be in danger too. "I can't do that to her. It isn't fair. She doesn't deserve it."



DiStort: No living creature deserves Lightning’s intimate presence.

Svensvenderson: Would that be Lightning’s Rod?

Anon13: … damn it, I hope they sell Brain Bleach by the drum, we’re gonna need it...



Krysta felt touched by how much Lightning showed his concern



T_K_17: Hearing this, Chris Hanson told Lighting to take a seat over there.



, but she implied that he was overreacting. "You both have had your shares of adventures, and hardships, and Starla understands."

Lightning realized maybe that was true. "I just don't think I'm ready to ask her yet."

Krysta understood and promised she wouldn't try to force him.



Svensvenderson: She’d just bug him about it daily.



Suddenly, the sounds of wicked evil laugher echoed from above as the skies went dark. "Oh no…! What now…?" grumbled Lightning as he and Krysta looked way up. There, in the skies above the kingdom, were images of Titan's minions, all in their knight forms.

"Attention, Lightning Dawn…!" Mysterious hissed



Svensvenderson: “I am authorized to wire you up $10 million U.S.D. upon the reception of your Social Security number.”

T_K_17: Lighting: “Oh boy!”



"We know that you can hear us. So listen carefully."

The minions had challenged Lightning to a duel, and he was free to gather as many of his friends as he wanted.



T_K_17: Along with all his Yu-Gi-Oh cards.



It made no difference to them. "Meet us at the top of Blacktop Mountain after sundown tonight!" said Rep-Stallion. "We've prepared an extra special battlefield just for this occasion."



Disco: No items, Fox only, Final Destination!



Dementia stepped forward "…And believe us… when we say that refusal to accept our challenge is unacceptable." She waved her hand and the images faded into images of the whole kingdom in grave peril. Fires, storms, freeze-ups…!



Disco: Oh my!

DiStort: Seems legit.



Lightning and Krysta couldn't blink.



Svensvenderson: They must have frozen. Hit Ctrl-Alt-Del.



The images faded back to the minions who promised that if Lightning didn't show up and accept the duel they would do just as they had seen to the kingdom, this time… for real!



T_K_17: Either they think Lighting is dumb enough to be drawn out of a fortified position with empty threats (which he is) or Mykan’s just pulling this out of his ass. Both make so much sense.



"Sundown, Lightning Dawn…!" snapped Mysterious "What shall it be? Think it over… but not too long."



DiStort: “We do have social lives outside our jobs, you know.”



The images faded, and the skies cleared up. So many had already fallen into panic and were preparing for an obvious lockdown at sunset. "Krysta…?"

"Yeah…?"

"Let's get the others. I'm accepting this challenge!"

…

Lightning and Krysta held the meeting at Lightning's house and gathered as many of their friends as they knew could help in battle…

Buddy Rose, Artie, Rhymey, Dyno and Myte, and Starla too.



T_K_17: A whole warrior race, and only seven unicorns are available to fight.



They all had seen and heard the threat from the minions, and were willing to accept the challenge with Lightning.

"It's a chance that we must not miss,

They'll destroy our kingdom, and that's their promise." said Rhymey.



DiStort: Pfft. Cheater.



"Si…! I agree. We can't let that happen." said Dyno. His brother nodded in agreement.

Krysta just returned with a message from The Grand Ruler



Svensvenderson: “I’m too important, you deal with it.”



and how he wouldn't let any harm befall the kingdom, and promised to keep a closer eye at night for any trouble.

Still, some of them were very concerned about the battle and felt the minions were leading them straight into a trap. After all, it seemed obvious that they had mastered their new powers and it wasn't known how much stronger they were now. "We were hardly able to beat them the last time." Buddy Rose pointed out "Who knows what new tricks they got."

That didn't discourage most of the gang. They,



Svensvenderson: Had the Mary Sue on their side.



themselves, had kept to their training and even learned new tricks too. "So… I guess it's decided…?" asked Artie.

Lightning nodded. "It's tonight… or never." he put his hove in the center, and everyone else put their hooves on top of one another, and Krysta stood on the very top.

With that decided, everyone went off, Starla hesitated for a moment. "Stalra…?



Svensvenderson: “Have you seen Starla?”



You okay…?" asked Lightning. Starla seemed really nervous something. "Lightning… I…" she choked on her words and then decided "Never mind…" and then she was gone.

"What was that about…?" Lightning wondered aloud.

Krysta didn't know for sure, but the way Starla was acting it had to have had something to with Lightning, the way she kept gazing at him all through the meeting.



T_K_17: Starla: “Grand Ruler almighty, does this man ever bathe?!”



…

It was starting to get late and the sun would start to set soon. Titan's minions, in the regular forms, were already at the Peak of Blacktop Mountain and patiently awaiting the arrival of their enemies. "It won't be much longer now." hissed Mysterious.



T_K_17: Mysterious: “Just eleven more chapters...”



"Well I wish they'd hurry." groaned Rep-Stallion "I want to have at these little pests and teach them a lesson they won't soon forget."



Anon13: Can it be a lesson on how to be a decent character? … wait, look who I’m asking. Never mind.



"Make sure you save some for Me." growled Dementia as she prettied herself up, trying to hide a few of the bruises she still sustained in past battles.

The others still couldn't believe her. She was going to get dirty again anyway. "Never mind her…" Mysterious said as he gazed back at the setting sun. "Hmm, mm, mm…! Come to us, our prey!"



T_K_17: Mysterious: “Also, OW MY EYES! Staring directly at the sun was not a good idea!”



…

Lightning and Krysta were already soaring toward Violet Swamp, one by one they met with their friends until the gang was all together. They soared over the thickets and brambles of the swamp and could see the mountain up ahead. "Let's go…!" shouted Lightning, and everyone headed straight for the top landing near the shrine where their adventures first began.

The gang all looked around. "Where are they…?" asked Artie.

"They better not have set us up…!" snapped Myte.



Svensvenderson: It’s sad when the ethnic stereotype is the smart one.



That's when the sounds of the minions' laughter were heard.



T_K_17: Never fear, Myte. The villains are just as stupid as you are.



"Well, well… right on time." said Mysterious. Then, the area began to warp around everyone. "Hey…! What's going on?" called Buddy-Rose.

"This is like some scary book!

I don't even think I want to look!" cried Rhymey.



Crazy56U: Now I’m picturing LeVar Burton beating the crap out of Rhymey as the “Reading Rainbow” theme plays. ...I feel happy now.



In a quick zap, they all had vanished from sight…



Svensvenderson: Can we all leave now?



…

They suddenly landed with a thud in a dark and eerie place. Dark grounds, dark skies. It was all dark! Bits and pieces and mounts of rubble, and corpses and skeletons. Small fog layers, eerie winds, a large castle…!



Svensvenderson: Oh my!



BOOM! Lightning and thunder shaking the skies…!



Svensvenderson: Everyone yelled at Lightning to quit it.



Dyno and Myte jumped and held each other fearfully whimpering "No Me Gusta! No Me Gusta!"

"What is this place…?" cried Starla "This isn't Unicornicopia."



Disco: It’s Past Sins!



The minions' were heard laughing again! The gang turned round and there they were standing on a tall pile of rocks. "Welcome to our homeland." hissed Mysterious.

"Homeland…?" asked Lightning "You mean this is…?"

Krysta's eyes bulged wide, "The Dimension of Darkness…!"



Svensvenderson: Detroit?



It couldn't be any other place. "Feel free to have a look around…"



DiStort: “There’s hors d'oeuvres on the table.”



sniggered Dementia "This will be the last place you ever see… alive!"



Svensvenderson: “What you see dead depends on your particular faith!”



The gang felt their courage building up and stood ready to fight. "We don't care what tricks you pull on us!" snapped Artie.

"We're not going to back down this time." added Buddy Rose.

"Yeah…? Well neither are we." said Rep-Stallion "There's no running away this time. This is a fight to the end. We'll see how you're little believing will save you this time."



Svensvenderson: That’s either a taunt, or Rep is already predicting how they’ll lose.



"Enough chitchat! It's time for battle!" snapped Mysterious.



T_K_17: “Enough talk, have at you!”



Then he and his teammates transformed into their knight forms, and let the others charge up and ready their weapons.



T_K_17: That’s mighty polite of them.



"Well… we're ready." said Lightning "Let's get them!"

The others all agreed and dashed forth like an army of soldiers charging. The minions stood where they were, not even moving and the gang seemingly jumped on them and began to attack full force, but when the dust had settled. "Huh…?" all they had done was hacked away at the pile of rocks, and the minions were nowhere to be seen.



Svensvenderson: I hate it when I do that.



"Where'd they go?" asked Starla.

"I don't know…" Rhymey said.

Mysterious waited while hiding in the shadows, thanks to mastering his powers, he could blend in with the darkness around him and hide easier and then, with almost no warning,



Svensvenderson: Just a dash of a warning.



he leapt forth just in time for everyone to see him, "SMOKE OF PAIN…!"



Crazy56U: ...you’re going to force feed them your bong?



fire powerful blasts of smoky magic that exploded on contact, knocking them all down.

"As Brain would say…" groaned Lightning "Well… now who's a fool?"



DiStort: I don’t seem to recall Brain ever saying that. Maybe you should get to know your friends better, kid.



The other two appeared beside him snickering. "Did you miss us…?" Dementia mocked. The gang went at them again only to miss and be shot by Rep-Stallion's "BOLT OF THUNDER…!" an attack that let him fire electrified pulses from his scythe. Everyone jumped out of the way just in time.



Svensvenderson: Except their friend DeLorean was hit and promptly disappeared.



This was getting them nowhere. Every time they tried to even find the minions to even try and attack them the same thing happened. "I say we split up." suggested Lightning.

Some of the other didn't like that idea. "Split up? Are you mad?" asked Dyno.

"We have to stick together, and form a plan." added Myte.

"Oh, sure, this is a great plan." snapped Starla "…staying in one place so they can get at us more easily…!"

Unable to argue with that… the team split up a bit. Lighting also yawned a little.



Disco: He’s getting bored of his own story!

Svensvenderson: Why is that in italics?

T_K_17: Subtlety is for Takaris.



"Are you okay?" asked Krysta.

"I'm fine."

"They've split up." hissed Mysterious.

"Heh, heh… just like we hoped." chuckled Rep.

"And now the real fun begins." Dementia said then laughed, and they split up to attack each team.

Dementia went after Starla and the twins.

Rep went after Rhymey,



Svensvenderson: Kill him!



Buddy, and Artie.

This left Mysterious to handle Lightning and Krysta. "This should be over soon." hissed Mysterious.

"Not as soon as you think…!" snapped Krysta "Ready, Lightning…?"

Lightning yawned again, but answered "You bet!" and he dashed forth, only to have Mysterious kick him hard in his armor. "UGH…!" and sent him skidding along the ground into a rotted tree.

"Lightning!" shrieked Krysta.

Lightning looked as if he had been knocked unconscious, Mysterious just laughed at how pitiful Lightning's attempt was… until Lightning bolted upright, with a smirking grin, much to his annoyance. "Looks, like you have gotten stronger…" Lightning teased, "But so HAVE WE…!" and he dashed forward faster than ever



T_K_17: Only to have Mysterious kick him hard in his armor. “UGH...!” and sent him skidding along the ground into a rotted tree.



and bashed right into Mysterious sending him sailing onto a pile of rubble… CRASH!



Svensvenderson: I guess Mykan fired Sound Guy.



"All right, Lightning…!" Krysta cheered.

Lightning smiled, but he yawned yet again. This was starting to get worrisome, but now wasn't the time to concern about it. Mysterious had gotten up, and didn't seem harmed at all. "Very impressive." he hissed "Perhaps I underestimated you… or perhaps I HAVEN'T…!"



DiStort: Please don’t go all Past Sins Twilight on us.



and the fight continued.



T_K_17: Or perhaps it DIDN’T...!



Meanwhile, Rep-Stallion was showing off his new and improved swiftness by parrying his scythe against Rhymey's sword and Artie's spear. Two against one and he made the odds look equal. Even when a struggle was engaged, and Rep managed kick the both of them aside.

"Hey…!" snapped Buddy Rose "No one doesn't that to my friends! VINE SNARE…!" Using his vines, he yanked the scythe out of Rep-Stallion's hands and grabbed it himself. "Ha-Ha! Looks the tables have turned!



Disco: Somewhere, Horizontal Surface facehoofed for no reason.



I got your weapon now."



T_K_17: Buddy: “Now I’ve got your power!”



Rep-Stallion didn't seem the least bit concerned. "Easy pickings…!" he growled as he stuck out his arms and his hands glowed bright. The scythe began sparking and shocking Buddy hard that he was forced to let go, and the weapon returned to Rep. "You were saying…?" he mocked. "It looks like the tables have turned again,



DiStort: Will you guys quit flipping the damn tables?! You’re going to scratch them!



and my weapon is back with me. I'd never let it fall into the hands of anyone else… especially to the likes of you!"



Svensvenderson: So why isn’t anyone shooting him in the back during this little conversation?



Buddy got back up after his shocking, and Rhymey and Artie came to his side. "We're not done with you yet!" snapped Artie.

"This battle's not through yet!" rhymed Rhymey



T_K_17: Not done reading this poo yet.



as he gripped his sword tight, and as their battle continued…

Starla and the twins weren't having much luck either, so many times they had launched their attacks, but Dementia's swiftness and defences proved to be a bit much. Most of the attacks just missed her and those that hit her only made her angrier. "Do you know how long I spent shinning my armor?" she scolded, and she fired her newest projectiles



Svensvenderson: Dementia only uses the latest in projectile fashion.



in outrage, "COLDNESS OF DESTRUCTION…!"

She fired a swarm of ice shards at the others, "Jump!" cried Starla as she and the twins leapt out of the way as the ice flew past them and completely froze a pile of fallen trees and rubble. "Aye-Aye-Aye! Hace Frio!"cried Dyno.



Disco: Estoy cansadisimo.



Both he and Myte were angry now, and thought they'd try a "SHOCK ROCK WAVE!" They slammed the ground, but their attack didn't work. No rock wave was formed. "Don't waste your efforts!" snapped Dementia. "The ground here isn't like yours back at home. It's littered the bones and essences of the life forms that once existed here."



DiStort: How is that different from normal soil?

Svensvenderson: It’s evil soil?



The twins realized she was right. "Our ground attacks are useless…!" cried Myte

"Well my attacks aren't!" said Starla "QUASAR BEAM…!" Her beam fired, but Dementia just teleported, out of the way, and appeared right before Starla, slapping her hard in the face "AH…!" and knocking her down!



T_K_17: Ooh! Cat... er... horse fight.



Lightning saw this, "Starla…!" he shouted! Then he got hit from behind by Mysterious' blasts. "AA-AAH…!"

Krysta hovered in and repelled the rest of the blasts with her defensive barriers,



Svensvenderson: When did she get those?



but the blasts were so hard she could hardly stand them herself. Then she noticed Lightning hadn't gotten up yet. "Lightning…? Lightning… what's wrong?"

Lightning didn't seem to have the strength to get up, despite not being hurt even from the last attack. "I… I don't know!" he said through a yawn "I feel so… dopey…



Svensvenderson: Too easy.



drow….sy!" Then he drifted off into a deep, deep sleep. "Lightning…? Lightning!" cried Krysta.

Everyone else could see him. Lightning was just lying flat on the ground, hardly moving at all…!



DiStort: DEAR CELESTIA, THAT WAS SO UNEXPECTED!



To Be Continued…

EPISODE SEVENTEEN

(Part Two)

The gang huddled together, and the minions stood side-by-side. Lightning was still sleeping deeply, much to the gang's upset, but to the minions' delight. "Poor thing…" hissed Mysterious "Guess he's reached the end of his rope." added Rep-Stallion

The others tried to wake Lightning up, but he was really passed out. Krysta then realized what was going on when Lightning went to see Penny, and she gave him that medicine. "It might make you sleepy when you least expect it."



Svensvenderson: Way to fail, Penny.

T_K_17: Ah, so it’s a plot convenience-based sedative.



"Lightning… please, wake up!" cried Starla.

"Come on, amigo!" cried Dyno… but Lightning hardly even moved.

The gang also realized that they had all huddled into one group again, which made them easy targets for their enemies. "Who should we take out first….?" Dementia teased. "All of you…!"

The gang were in trouble now, but they couldn't just run off while Lightning was down. "I have an idea…" Buddy Rose whispered to the others, and told them his plan. "Okay, get ready…!"

The minions readied their most powerful attacks…

"DANCE OF ICE…!"

"THE BITE OF LIGHTNING…!"

"THE HAMMER OF EVIL…!"

Right as they fired their attacks, Buddy quickly leapt up, "SOIL STORM…!"



DiStort: So manipulating rocks is a no-no, but controlling dirt is fine. Good to know.



and his magic worked as it stirred up the soil in the grounds creating a dust cloud just as the attacks collided in a massive explosion. All that soil and dust and mist made it hard to see for a moment, and then when the dust had cleared, the gang was gone, but they hadn't been blown to pieces.



T_K_17: They actually had been liquefied.



"They're gone!" cried Dementia.

Rep-Stallion angrily slammed his scythe hard. "They outwitted us again!"



DiStort: Hmm. Outwitted by dirt. Interesting.



Mysterious, too, was annoyed. "They must be around here somewhere." He said "Remember, they can't leave here. We'll find them, even if we have to tear this derelict dimension apart piece by piece!"



T_K_17: Mysterious: “Or we could leave them stranded here and go destroy Unicoricopia. Just throwing out ideas.”



They spread out and began blowing up and attacking anyplace that could remotely serve as a general hiding spot, but the gang had actually retreated to the foyer of Titan's castle. The one place they hoped the minions wouldn't dare to attack.

Lightning was still sleeping deeply under Penny's medicine, and the others needed time to rest and think. The minions had certainly lead them into a well laid trap, sending them to this dimension where their powers were much stronger, while some of their magic wouldn't work. "Just look at them out there…" said Artie. Everyone gazed outside watching the minions blast more chunks and piles of dead trees and rocks away. They're powers seemed just as strong as ever, even after all that had happened outside during the battle.

"Come on out…!" roared Rep-Stallion "We'll find you!"



Svensvenderson: “No you wo-, aw BUCK!”



He sliced the remains of trees down, and blew up more rocks.

"Where it comes from we want to know…

How can they just keep going like so?" asked Rhymey.

The others didn't know



T_K_17: what the fuck is wrong with Rhymey.



and were too busy trying to wake Lightning up. He managed to get his eyes open at least. "Guys…?" he whimpered "What's going on…? I feel so… heavy… and weak!"



Disco: “Just like my characterization!”



"You're just sleepy from Penny's medicine." said Krysta "That's why you feel weak."



T_K_17: Krysta: “We also kicked you in the head a few times while you were unconscious.”



Lightning struggled to stand, but he felt as if he had a huge boulder rest on his back and slumped back down. "Shh…! Quiet…!" cried Starla "They'll hear us out there…"

The minions heard nothing and continued to search. "You're beginning to make us angry!" snarled Dementia as she fired more ice shards and she almost struck the castle off in the distance. "No!" Mysterious thundered as he intercepted her blast with his own power. Then he gave her an angry look!

Dementia apologized. "I forgot."



T_K_17: I guess that’s the dementia finally setting in.



…

"Did you see that…?" asked Dyno.

"Si, I did…! That ice shard could've come this way." said Myte.

Obviously the minions didn't want the castle to get blasted, but why was that.



T_K_17: Resale value.



"There must be something very important in here." said Starla. "But what is it, and where is it?"

Just the foyer seemed large enough to hide so many things in so many places. Lightning finally managed to stand up without falling down again,



Svensvenderson: I think Lightning needs to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.



"Maybe… we should go in deeper?"



Disco: Beliefception!

DiStort: Always nice when the fic makes the jokes for us.



he asked.

Seeing no other option and it would do well for Lightning to move around and shake his drowsiness away, they ventured forth into Titan's castle.

…

Outside, Rep-Stallion asked the others "What if they really are in the castle? Maybe they know about… you know…"

Dementia grabbed him, "Don't be an idiot!



DiStort: Too late.



No one would dare venture into the depths of the master's castle."

Mysterious wasn't too sure about that, though. "It is a possibility." He said "I think we'll play a waiting game."



Svensvenderson: “I spy with my little eye...”



…

Even with Kyrsta's fairy glow, and the lit torches along the walls, the inside of the castle was dark and creepy. Cobwebs everywhere you looked, water dripping down from above and bits of dead bones along the floor. Starla stepped on a few "Ugh! Gross…!" she murmured.

Every once in a while, one of the others would ask if Lightning was okay "I'm fine!"



Svensvenderson: “I can quit whenever I want to!”



he would say annoyingly. Then he let out a yawn, "At least I think I will be…"

That was the least of their problems- They now were facing an area with many doors and pathways. "Which way should we go now…?" asked Buddy Rose. The best they could all do was split up.



Disco: DBZ, Power Rangers, Scooby Doo...What else is going to get ripped off?

Isphone: At this rate, my eyes.

DiStort: And your hair, most likely before you go for your eyes.



Starla and Krysta would remain with Lightning to help him out.

Artie handed everyone a small paintbrush, and a small jar of white paint each.



Svensvenderson: Which he conveniently had on him.



"We'll draw arrows along the walls in case we get lost."

Then, everyone picked a doorway and headed through. Some ways lead upwards, others went deeper into the bowls



Svensvenderson: There were soup bowls from floor to ceiling.



of the world, and some just kept going straight ahead. "Hello…?" cried Krysta "Is anyone here?"

…

Poor Rhymey felt his hind legs quivering.

"Oh dear…!

I'm in fear." He whimpered. Then suddenly, something spooked him.



T_K_17: Michael Richards’ attempt to resurrect his career by appearing in a Mykan story ended in failure.



"I see something moving to and fro…!" Then he realized, "Oh silly me… it's just my shadow."



DiStort: Every time Rhymey speaks, I see a little sign pop out of his mouth that says: “EVISCERATE ME.” I think I might be losing it.

Anon13: If you are, it’s only because the rest of us don’t need a sign to feel that way.



As frightful as he felt, he pressed on.

…

Dyno and Myte almost felt right at home in the mines, but it was never this dark and spooky. At least they had their miner's hats to give some light. Suddenly, Dyno felt as if he were walking on wood. "Myte… do you feel that?" he asked.

His brother nodded. "The floor was stone, now it's wood?"

Then suddenly the floor opened wide, as it was really a trap door, and the twins fell through, shrieking.



T_K_17: Shrieking as warriors are wont to do.



Their shriek echoed throughout the castle, alarming the others.

Rhymey quivered in fear.

"Mercy me…!



T_K_17: That’s his second favorite Contemporary Christian band.



I BELIEIVE I SHOULD FLEE…!"



DiStort: If only it was from my personal giant robot.

T_K_17: At least he’s still believing.



and he ran as fast as he could down the tunnel.

…

"What's that…?" asked Buddy Rose.

"I don't think we want to know." cried Artie. They continued to walk forward, and suddenly slipped on a steep slope sending them both sliding down and away!

…

"Okay…!" Lightning cried "I think wide awake now."



Svensvenderson: Thinking at all would be a first for Lightning.



"Good…!" cried Krysta "Because I think we should…"

"RUN…!" cried Starla, and all of them began to dash ahead,



T_K_17: Krysta’s decision to run along on the ground cost her valuable time as she sought to escape from... wait, what are they running from?



and up ahead were three doorways, each of them dashed through one completely separating from one another.



Svensvenderson: Any particular reason why? No? OK then.



Dyno and Myte were falling, Buddy Rose and Artie were sliding, and all the others were running feeling scared out of their wits, somehow they all wound up crashed into each other… and lay on the ground right back in the room where they started. All the paths lead them right back. "Now I'm really wide awake!" Lightning grunted annoyingly.

As everyone got up, they felt really silly, falling for all those traps.

"This just will not do.

This won't work out for me and you." Rhymey said.



T_K_17: Rhymey: “I think we should be seeing other unicorns, Artie.”



"What do we do now?" asked Artie "There's no point in trying the paths again. We'll just end up back here."

The twins began to feel along the walls. "What are you two doing…?" asked Krysta, the twins didn't answer but just kept feeling along the walls, and tapping the stones. Suddenly, Myte reached up and grabbed hold of a torch holder, which moved like a lever. "Ah…! Esso Es!" he chirped with glee as the wall near him began to slide open revealing a hidden way to a flight of stairs. "Just like at home, Si." said Dyno.



Disco: So they live in a creepy castle with obviously-placed hidden passageways?



"Way to go, boys!" said Lightning "Come on, let's go."

Everyone dashed up, up, up the long flight of curving stairs up into the castle keep. They felt a little tired after running all the way to the top. "Whew…! Now I see why the minions always teleport." groaned Artie.

Nevertheless, they had reached what appeared to be Titan's old throne room, and the sight of Titan's old massive throne was almost breathtaking. "Even the Grand Ruler's throne isn't this big." remarked Lightning.



Disco: Overcompensating, much?



Krysta flew round, and around the throne as she flew to the top then back down again. She landed on the seat and walked around a bit, but something felt strange to her. "Krysta… what's wrong?" asked Lightning.



T_K_17: Krysta: “This whole story. It just isn’t working.”



"I feel something…" answered Krysta "Something below here is giving a vibration."



Svensvenderson: ♫ I’m pickin’ up good vibrations ♫



Starla walked over and place one of her front hooves over the seat. "I feel it…" she said. The other all walked over to see if she was right, but then Rhymey felt one of his hooves press down on a stone which was a floor-switch.



Svensvenderson: Why would the switch be on the floor, where any idiot could step on it?!



The area around the throne began to rumble and quake. "Rhymey… what have you done…?" asked Lightning.

"Oh…

…No!" whimpered Rhymey



DiStort: NO. THAT DOES NOT COUNT. YOU FAIL FOREVER.

Svensvenderson: He hasn’t failed before now?



Suddenly, the throne began to move. "Hey…!" cried Krysta and she leapt off of it and everyone else backed away. "Look…!" cried Buddy Rose as something was rising up from where the throne was resting before, it was a giant glowing sphere.



T_K_17: Count Graduon!



"What is it?" asked Starla.

That's when the sphere raised up, and began t fly around in circles, and then it flew straight through an open window and headed outside. "Let's go after it." said Lightning.



Disco: Yes, let’s abandon the fortified position for no reason whatsoever.

Svensvenderson: They’re following the shiny ball like a cat chases after a laser pointer.



They all flew up and out the window, chasing the sphere, not realizing where they were going at first until they ran right into the minions again.



Svensvenderson: *facehoof* Brilliant, just bucking brilliant.



"Well, well…" hissed Mysterious as he held the sphere and tucked it away in his armor.

"Did you enjoy your tour of the master's castle?" Dementia snickered.

The others had almost forgotten why they had come in the first place. "No more games!" Lightning said "I think it's time we finish what we started."



DiStort: This is why you should never stop midway through Monopoly, you’ll never want to pick it back up.



"Funny… we were thinking the same thing." snapped Rep-Stallion as he gripped his scythe. The gang readied themselves, drew out their weapons, and charged up.

"Go…!" shouted Lightning. At his shout, the gang split up and attacked the minions just like before.



Svensvenderson: Because that worked perfectly last time.



It was harder than ever to find a good place to run because most of the trees and rocks had been blown up.

The battle seemed more equal this time as attacks and blows were sent and given, but the minions were still proving to be far too swift and strong. Their powers just never seemed to decrease or get weaker, no matter what they did.



T_K_17: It seems that the evil minions have mastered the dark art of pacing one’s self.



As for the gang, some of their attacks still didn't work because of the unstable conditions of the dimension, and Lightning couldn't summon the rainbow rod as it couldn't travel between realms. "You… won't win…!" growled Lightning. "We shall see…!" hissed Mysterious.

Rhymey and Artie's weapons were starting to get scraped and scratched, while Rep-Stallion's scythe had hardly a dent in it, and Dementia's ice powers were making it hard for others.

Dyno and Myte tried to rush her from different ends, but she flipped out of the way causing the twins to ram into each other. "Did we… get her...?" they both said feeling dizzy.

Dementia just had to laugh, but Starla didn't think it funny.



T_K_17: Then again, they shouldn’t have been watching a Larry the Cable Guy movie during a battle.



"Oh yeah?" she growled, and lunged at Dementia trying to land one good bash, but she dodged each and every one of them and kicked her hard sending her back and right into Lightning, knocking him down.

"Starla…!" cried Lightning a she got up "Are you okay…?"



DiStort: Well, she’s still in the story, so...



"Yeah… I'm alright." She answered

"This is crazy! We're not getting anywhere." Krysta said. The others huddled together.



Svensvenderson: Thus providing a giant target.



"We've fought the best we can,

But I say we need a new plan." panted Rhymey



Anon13: OK, how about we throw Rhymey at them? I’ll get the popcorn.



The minions laughed as the slowly crept forth "There's nothing you can plan…" hissed Mysterious. "There's nothing you can do." He reached into his armor and held out the glowing sphere. "We have all the magic… we have all the power… and now we have you in our grasp!"

Lightning took note of what was just said, and he also remembered how during the fight everyone was bumping into one another. He was beginning to have an idea. "Any last words…?" asked Rep-Stallion as he held his scythe high. "Make it fast…!" snapped Dementia.

"Yeah…" Lightning said "Everyone spread out…!" the others felt confused at first, but did as they were told.



T_K_17: “Dodge their attacks, guys!”

“Okay, but we’re not sure where you’re going with this...”



The minions were losing their patience and spread out to continue the fight.

"What are you doing…?" asked Starla

"Just trust me!" Lightning said and then he ran back towards the minions. "What is he up to?" Krysta wondered aloud. Then they all noticed that Lightning was standing directly with minions all standing around him in a ring. "I give up!" he then said.

"WHAT...?" everyone shouted.

"You're right, we can't beat you, but I don't want any more trouble. Take me, but let my friends go."

"Lightning… No!" cried Krysta.



T_K_17: Krysta: “Ask them to loan me their Xbox too!”



"What are you doing?" called Dyno.

Dementia felt she was going to faint. "Somebody, pinch me."



DiStort: Would a haymaker punch work?



She chuckled.

"You're offering yourself to us…?" asked Rep-Stallion in



Svensvenderson: Perverse glee.



disbelief.

Lightning nodded. "I'll do anything you want as long as you let them go."

Mysterious thought it over for a moment, "Well… as tempting as that would sound, I'm afraid we must refuse."

"That's right!" growled Rep-Stallion "We swore we'd get rid of all of you, and that's just what we'll do."



Svensvenderson: No! Bad Rep-Stallion! Rhymey is the idiot that rhymes.



Dementia nodded, "You destroyed our master, Titan, and now we'll return the favor. Starting with you, Lightning Dawn…!"

The minions charged up ready to fire, and Lightning had no place to run. "And now… goodbye!" roared Mysterious as he and the other minions fired, that's when Lightning spread out his wings and flew straight up, casing the minions to miss them and strike each other instead!



Svensvenderson: TRIANGLES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!

Anon13: Ah yes, the “Polish Firing Squad” gambit. Just remember it only works when everyone involved is an idiot.



"Ha, ha…!" Lightning laughed from above, "It works!" and his friends caught on with his plan. "If we can't beat them ourselves…"



DiStort: G’night everypony!



said Buddy Rose.

"Maybe… we can get them to beat each other!" said Artie.

The others agreed and the battle was on again.

Krysta fluttered round Rep-Stallion and near his face like a fly "Bet you can't hit me here…" she teased. "Why you puny pixie!" growled Rep and he launched his "BOLT OF THUNDER…!" straight at Krysta, but she dodged it and the blast collided into Dementia, too late for her to raise her defense. "AAA-AAH…!"

"Oh…!" cried Rep "Dementia… I… I!"

"Watch where you're aiming?" she shouted at him.



Svensvenderson: The question mark makes it a request. I think.



"Hey it wasn't my fault!"



Anon13: Blame-shifting, one of the 7 Habits of Highly Atrocious Minions.



While they bickered and quarrelled, Starla and Rhymey decided to launch an attack.

"STAR SHOWER…!"

"DRILL QUILL…!"

The two minions were hit hard and went after Starla and Rhymey, but they stepped out of the way at the last minute causing Rep and Dementia to ram into Mysterious hard.



Svensvenderson: *snicker*

Anon13: Ah, isn’t Mysterious made of darkness?



"You fools!" growled Mysterious.

Another quarrel erupted, and Dyno and Myte saw their chance and launched their "BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS…!" and bombarded the minions hard.



Svensvenderson: Again?



The glowing sphere also slipped out of Mysterious' possession and Krysta managed to grab it and levitate it with her power.

"Look what you two have done!" roared Mysterious.

"We…?" snapped Dementia

"What about you…?" growled Rep

They broke out into such a quarrel and even began to fight each other, weakening themselves even further. The gang realized this was the perfect chance for them to attack with all they had. "IT's time to end this…!" Lightning growled "Once… and… FOR ALL…!"



Svensvenderson: AND all, for ONE.



That's when his horn began to glow and he was summoning up the uniforce,



Anon13: You mean the one you said earlier COULDN’T BE SUMMONED HERE?



which alerted the minions. "Guys…!" cried Rep, the others looked up just in time as the other launched their strongest attacks.

Rhymey's sword was charged up and glowing strong, "SLASH THRASH!"

"ART ATTACK SPIN!" Artie was whirling his spear. They both slashed hard, knocking the armor clear off the minions.

Then Starla went next with her "PULSAR LASER…!" and her powerful beams knocked the minions' helmets off.

"My turn…!" Lightning roared as he stood tall and proud, bathed in glowing light and recited the chant and unleashed the "…UNIFORCE!" The minions tried to run, but were struck full force and screamed loudly.

They felt the magic around them starting to spark and flare off. They transformed back into their regular forms as, what appeared to be, the magic of their three knight forms rising into the sky, flare and sparkling wildly. They combined together in one big sphere and exploded in a great ball of fire! The gang jumped for joy and cheered with delight, while the minions could only grieve…

"Just like that…!"

"Our most powerful magic…"

"It's all gone…!"



Svensvenderson: Wait, they got the magic knocked out of them? Ok, there’s a new rule I haven’t seen before.



They really blew it this time, and felt it was finally officially that they had lost for good. "Master Titan…" Mysterious whispered under his breath, and he shut his eyes tight "We have failed you!"



DiStort: Your last check is in the mail.



The gang was still cheering, but then something caught their attention. A portal gateway had opened, and The Grand Ruler's voice called out. "Lightning…! Are you there…?"

Lightning answered his master's call. "Yes, we're here."

"Quickly everyone…" Grand Ruler said "Come through this gate. Hurry, it will not hold for much longer."



Svensvenderson: Convenient.



"Andale, amigos!" cried Dyno.

"Let's go!" added Myte.

"Wait…!" snapped Lightning "We go… but we're taking the minions with us. They've caused us enough trouble for one lifetime."



DiStort: Um, by that logic, shouldn’t you just leave them?



"Hey!" cried Buddy Rose, "They're gone!"



Svensvenderson: Problem solved!



Sure enough, the minions were nowhere to be seen. They had slipped off to somewhere when everyone's backs were turned. Still, there was no point in worry about that now.

…

Once back in Unicornicopa, everyone settled down and relaxed to a warm and hearty meal in Grand Ruler's palace, prepared by Cookie Dough. Grand was very, very proud of everyone, not only for going beyond the call of duty and seemingly put Titan's minions out of commission, but they had also found half of a rainbow stone.

The glowing sphere they had found in the castle was in fact a defensive shell of soft magic



Svensvenderson: Titan must have used a magic softener.



that kept half a rainbow stone, the green part, intact. This was what was supporting the evil powers that the minions had all this time.

"But… how did it end up in Titan's castle?" Lightning asked.



Anon13: He’s a cliched villain, of course he has a MacGuffin.



Even his master didn't know the answer to that, but one thing was certain, it was now imperative they all continue to search from the remaining rainbow stones. Even with Titan's minions out of action, there still other, more powerful evils still were lurking out there. "Our mission has not been fulfilled. Take good care, everyone, and never let your guard down."

Everyone bowed to their ruler, and then they all decided to head home for some much needed rest, they had a very exhausting night.

…

Lightning and Krysta escorted Starla home to the library, and her tower. "Starla…?" asked Lightning.

"Hmm…?"

"I…! I uh…" he just couldn't bring himself to tell her once again, "Goodnight, Starla." Then he left. "Goodnight, Lightning." she whispered, and she didn't stop staring at him until he was out of sight.

"Why didn't you tell her?"



Drizzel: "You were gay? you need to stop leading her on."



Krysta asked.

"I just couldn't do it." Lightning said "It didn't feel like the right time."

Krysta sighed and rolled her eyes. She was still waiting impatiently for him to suck it up and tell Starla how he really felt. "Lightning… what am I going to do with you?"



Svensvenderson: Kill him. For the benefit of everyone, everywhere, kill him.



…

(In Grand Ruler's Palace)

Grand Ruler: "Planning is something we all tend to do, but usually for what we expect. I'm very proud of everyone for working together and escaping unharmed, for they learned that there is always a weakness in the enemy, and always a way to get the job done."



Drizzel: It usually involves a lot of killing.

Anon13: Remember, kids, knowledge is half the battle! The other half is VIOLENCE!



"But sometimes, even the best laid out plans can go wrong, and can confuse and surprise you when you least expect it. Most of the time… we make plans to do things with each other, or plan to make or do something extraordinary, only to be obligated with other affairs and chores even duties that slip our minds, or just sneak from out of nowhere.



Svensvenderson: Tricky little bastards.



Just remember, that there always might be a way to deal with something, even if it isn't what you planned at first. Sometimes, what you didn't plan may turn out to be something better than what you hoped for."

"See you all next time, and keep on believing!"



EPISODE EIGHTEEN

It was almost dawn. All the unicorns were home and sleeping, and soon The Grand Ruler would make the sun rise up to start a new day



DiStort: Was it ever mentioned that he could do that? I legitimately can’t remember.

Svensvenderson: Why not? He seems to do everything else, aside from actually dealing with Titan and his idiots.

Drizzel: Because then this fic would be shorter and we can’t have that, right? *twitch*



, when in a small meadow near Rainbow City, a bright flash of light sparked, and a little man, about Krysta's size with fairy wings appeared. "I made it…"



Svensvenderson: Because if you can make it Rainbow City, you can make it anywhere!



he said "This is where I will find her. I hope." Then he fluttered off along his way.

…

While at the same time, The Grand Ruler was already soaring high above his kingdom. His golden wings and horns were glowing. "Wakey-Wakey everyone…!" he said soothingly. "Time to start a brand new day…!"



DiStort: He was immediately decked with thousands of grumpily thrown pillows.



With the wave of his golden wings, and sound of his voice, the sun was beginning to rise…

At the same time, every unicorn was starting to feel the warmth and goodness of the morning



Svensvenderson: Except for the vampire ponies.



and began to stir from their beds. Lightning and Krysta were just waking up too. Krysta let out a tiny little yawn as she fluttered out of her little house near Lighting's bed. "Morning…" she said.

Lightning smiled at his little friend "Just was I was about to say to you." He sure seemed to be in a good mood today, and why wouldn't he? It was a beautiful day, almost the kind where everything would go right… not too likely though, but it was still a nice morning.



Svensvenderson: Even the narrative is tempting fate.



Lightning opened his window, sniffed the morning air, and just felt like singing…

(Style of Bear in the Big Blue House- Good Morning)



SelfMarth17: And here we see the intelligence level we're working with

Disco: NO! No more singing! Make it stop!

Isphone: I can’t believe it.

DiStort: I could write a psychology paper on this guy...



(Lightning)

When the day begins, Oh…

I look outside my window

I see the sun has come to start the morning

(Krysta)

Why, Lightning, my friend, it's true

The sky is bright and blue

I feel so glad I gotta' say one thing.

Good morning, good morning

Good morning to the sun

Good morning (Good morning)

Good morning (Good morning)

Good morning (Good morning)

(Both)

To everyone



Wild Trotter: Now I wish I was reading that Rarity’s Magic Book fanfic again. At least that one’s suitably short and well-written. *beat* I know, I might come off as pervy for thinking that, but hey, I’d settle for the short, well-written clopfics over...this! *swigs some tequila, groaning*



…

They left Lightning's house and headed to Rainbow City, and then to Cookie Dough's restaurant for a breakfast. "Hey, what smells so good in here?" asked Lightning.



Anon13: The hopelessness of existence and the inevitability of death.

It’s a restaurant, dumbass!



"Hi, guys…" Cookie Dough called from the kitchen, "It's an all you can eat breakfast buffet. Help yourselves."

Lightning and Krysta dashed at the food, and it really pleased Cookie Dough to see them and everyone else eating hearty.

(Cookie Dough)

When the sun rises bright

I love start the day off right

A good and hearty breakfast is the way

(Lightning)

So much we can do together

In this sun shining weather

(Krysta)

Oh it feels so right… I just have say.

(EVERYONE)



Anon13: ♫ Nothing to do to save his life, call his wife in

Nothing to say but what a day, how’s your boy been

Nothing to do it's up to you,

I've got nothing to say but it's OK



Good morning (Good morning), good morning

Good morning to the sun

Good morning (Good morning)

Good morning (Good morning)

Good morning (Good morning)

To everyone



Disco: I suddenly want to watch Singin’ in the Rain for some reason.

DiStort: If I want a catchy musical, I’ll watch the Blues Brothers.

Drizzel: If I want better music, I'll just bang two pots together.



Drizzel: On my head.

…

Breakfast was so good, by the time Lightning and Krysta were finished,



Svensvenderson: They had gone through the song three times.



they felt so full and comfortable, they almost wished they didn't have to get up and leave.



DiStort: That’d be the concrete in the food.



"Once again, Cookie Dough, your cooking has really made our day."

Cookie Dough thanked them, and then they left to head for work.

Suddenly, Krysta looked up. "Hmm…? Awe?"



Anon13: without Shock?



and she caught a glimpse of, what looked like, another fairy, flying across the rooftops. She was snapped out of her gaze when Lightning spoke to her, "Krysta…? What's the matter?"

"I thought I saw…" she turned to look back, but there was nothing there above the roofs anymore. "Never mind…"

…

As Lightning and Krysta worked, helping others out all day, Krysta couldn't forget what she thought she saw near the restaurant. She finally decided to tell Lightning. "You think you saw a fairy?" he asked "How can that be…?"

Krysta was just as baffled, but she was certain that she saw another fairy. "You know what…" Lightning said "I believe you."



Svensvenderson: Because believing is magic!



"You… you do?" asked Krysta

"Of course…" replied Lightning "Many creatures of different shapes and sizes have entered this world before, and who knows… maybe we'll find who you saw and maybe even get the answers we've been searching for about you."

Krysta felt her hopes rising,



Svensvenderson: No boob joke, Wild?

Wild Trotter: So did the size of her bustline. Sorry, I was getting tired of the plot.



but in the meantime, she and Lightning got back to work. The delivered some mail, they helped with some shipping,



Svensvenderson: The shipped ponies were not amused.



and helped out at the library again.

Then, as they were heading through the park, they decided to take a break and rest on a bench, when suddenly, they heard a small voice calling, "Help…! Help me…!"



Anon13: “That sounds like Jeff Goldblum!”



They searched around and saw someone tiny, about Krysta's height, stuck in a mud puddle. Lightning pulled the little guy out. "Are you okay…?"



Disco: BUUUUSTAAAAA WOOOLF!



he asked, but then he and Krysta realized he was a fairy! "Lightning, that's him. That's who I saw." Krysta said.

The other fairy's ears twitched at the sound of her voice. He turned round and gasped. "It's you…! It's really you!" he cried for joy. "Queen Krysta, I've found you!"



DiStort: I can think of exactly two reasons for her to be queen.

Svensvenderson: Plot, and what would be the second one?

DiStort: I meant the two reasons on her chest.



"Huh?" remarked Krysta and Lightning.

The other fairy then realized, "Oh, of course… I remember." He said, and then he kindly introduced himself as Mallow



DiStort: A talking cloud and the lost prince of the Nimbus kingdom.

Svensvenderson: First name Marsh.



, and he was from the Valley of Fairies, located in a nearby dimension.



Anon13: Far, far away from any creativity.



"For so many years, Krysta, we thought you were lost to us, but we never gave up hope that we would one day find you again and restore what you had lost."

Krysta was hardly able to believe any of this. "I'm… queen of the fairy world? Then why don't I remember any of it."

"And how do we know you're telling the truth?" asked Lightning.

"Believe me, I speak the truth, and I can prove it to you." said Mallow and he held out his hand to Krysta. "Come with me… and discover your roots."



Svensvenderson: I would think not going off with strangers would be something a kid’s show would WANT to teach.



Krysta didn't know what to say or do. This was all so sudden, but if this was really her chance to learn about herself and everything that went with her, she took Mallow's hand. "I'm going too." said Lightning.

Mallow objected to this. "It is not necessary for you to follow us." he said "And it also may be dangerous."

Krysta and Lightning didn't like the sound of that, but still. Lightning was used to danger,



Anon13: BWAHAHAHAHAHA



and insisted he go. "But what about The Grand Ruler?" asked Krysta "You know he doesn't want anyone leaving the kingdom without saying anything?"



Disco: Wow, what a control freak.

The Grand Ruler: No I’m not!

Drizzel: (Beating him with a stick) Get out of my house!



"Yeah… and you're doing what exactly…?"



DiStort: Don’t point out the plotholes, bro. That’s our job.

Svensvenderson: Yeah, Riffers Union, Local 307!



Lightning hinted. Krysta was licked,



Anon13: Ew! Not in public, guys!



and then she too insisted that Lightning come with her. "Very well…" said Mallow. He began to wave his arms and a smaller gateway portal appeared. Krysta and Lightning were amazed. "Come… let's be on our way." said Mallow, and all three of them leapt into the portal.

…

They traveled across Dimensional Space, and emerged in a lush and peaceful forest. "Where are we?" asked Lightning. "This doesn't look like any fairy world."



DiStort: “Where’s the giant sign and the rainbow bridge?”



"Follow me…" said Mallow "All will be clear soon."

Through the trees and brambles they went. Krysta and Mallow were able to fly through with ease because they were small, but Lightning had a hard time. "Next time… I think I'll bring an axe." He muttered.



Anon13: Because nothing says ‘Hello, New World!’ like chopping it to bits.



Soon, they arrived at their destination. "Wow…!" was all Krysta and Lightning could exclaim. There was a small silver palace with gold turrets on the towers, and all around it was a beautiful valley with a small pond in the center, and flowers and toadstools were near the edges. A small Cliffside with a two waterfalls, lots of tree houses, burrows, and just ordinary hammocks handing around.

Easily, everywhere you looked. "Fairies…" exclaimed Lightning. "There must be hundreds of them."

"I can't breathe!" squeaked Krysta who was really at a loss for more words. That's Mallow broke the silence by calling out "HEAR YE ALL…!" which captured everyone's attention. "The Queen has returned!"



DiStort: “We shall now perform the celebratory booby bounce!”



That's when all the fairies gazed in awe and then rushed up, completely surrounding Krysta and carrying her away. "Hey...! Wait for me!" called Lightning as he ran to catch up with them.

…

A great royal feast was prepared immediately. Fairies did eat a wide variety of foods as well, only much to Lightning's dismay "It's kind of small… isn't it?" he said, and the chefs looked insulted, and gave him a very sour glare. "Uh… but… but I'm sure it's delicious."



DiStort: Smoooth.



As much as Krysta was pleased with all this "Will someone please tell me what is going on here?" she said impatiently.

Mallow decided it was time she knew.



DiStort: Oh good, I could use a nap.

Svensvenderson: Exposition cannon loaded and ready!



…

The Valley of Fairies was a small dimension, probably one of the smallest in the Dimensional Universe. All the fairies were creatures of peace, harmony, and friendship, all lead by Krysta, the fairy queen.

Every now and then, the fairies were permitted to leave the realm, and seek anyone who was lonely, frightened, or in need of companionship and vow to



Svensvenderson: Yell “Hey! Listen!” at them.



stay by their side for as long as they wished.

The fairies all had special magic that enabled them to carry objects hundreds of times their own body weight. Ten fairies would be able to push a small log. Twenty could roll a large rock, more fairies equaled more power.

Some fairies, like Krysta, could also use their powers in battle by sprinkling different kinds of dust on the enemies, which would then cause an effect depending on the dust used.



Svensvenderson: The enemies were fond of the ‘special’ dust.



They could also conjure instant defensive force fields. To negate, or repel any magic attack waged against them.

Finally, very few fairies, like Mallow, could generate small portal gateways for very short distant travels across dimensional space or just to teleport themselves and anyone around them from one area to another.

Yes, the fairies and their lives were certainly a beautiful thing, but years and years ago, an evil creature came and attacked the village. I said "Give me the treasure you hold, and you will come to no harm."



Anon13: Wait, you said that? Whoa, what a plot twist!



It was a treasure that only the queen, Krysta, knew of. A treasure so powerful that she knew if the evil creature had it, it would mean certain disaster for all. Yet she refused to hand it over and the evil creature lost patience and began to attack the valley.

The Fairies put up a valiant effort, but they were no match for the imposing power of the evil creature and his army of followers. The queen saw no other option but to take the treasure herself, and get it out of the land and fast! Just as she planned, the evil creature and his followers began to pursue Krysta, as there was no point in trashing the valley anymore.

…But she never returned, nor did the evil beast or any of his minions.



Svensvenderson: And that evil creature was man!



…



DiStort: Zzzz... buh? What’d I miss?



Lightning felt sorry for all the fairies, but he didn't know what to feel for Krysta, "But like you said… why don't remember any of this?"

"Just what I was about to ask." said Krysta "What kind of queen would just run off and then forget everything she ever did?"



Anon13: Defensive mechanism triggered by realizing you’re in a Mykan story.



Mallow explained that though Krysta didn't remember, "We fairies have remedies for such misfortunes. We can help you."

Krysta and Lightning looked up. "You can…?" they both asked.

Mallow nodded… and before Krysta knew it she was invited to the inside of the small castle, which was supposedly hers.



Svensvenderson: The case was still in court.



Lightning was forced to watch through the windows as he couldn't fit inside.

Krysta was going to be put to sleep under the influence of a magic dust made from mixing the grading of toadstools, flower pollen, and tiny bits of unicorns mane, which unfortunately they were out of, but luckily there was a way to get some.



Svensvenderson: They raised unicorns in back.



The faired gazed at Lightning. "Uh oh….!"

That's when a fairy came and yanked out a thread from his mane "Ouch…!" he growled "This better we worth it."



DiStort: “Keep complaining and I’ll yank out the rest of it.”



Before long, Krysta was put into a deep sleep. Her nap would only last a short while, and when she woke up she'd hopefully remember everything. Lightning was happy Krysta was going to get her memories back, but he secretly felt sad and worried about something…

"Something troubles you. I can feel it." said Mallow.



Disco: The bland storytelling was finally wearing him down.



Lightning explained that once Krysta got her memory back, would she want to stay in the valley? After all it was her home, and she was supposedly the queen of fairies.



Svensvenderson: She would be absolutely FABULOUS!



"It's just that… well… Krysta's my friend. She's the best friend I've ever had, and we've been inseparable for as long as I can remember."

"I see…" said Mallow "You fear you will lose your friend."



DiStort: So... what’s the problem?



Mallow couldn't offer any advice, but Krysta would be asked to make up her mind when she awoke. All they could do was wait until then.

Suddenly, Lightning could feel the ground quivering a little. "What's that…?"

That's when a swarm of fairies flew through the foliage of the forest around the valley crying, "It's the monster! It returns!"

Mallow's wings twitched "The monster?"

Lightning's features hardened, and he began to dash off. "Where are you going…?" called Mallow. "I need to check this out." Lightning answered.

"No… please… come back!"

Lightning was already dashing through the forest in the direction of the rumbling. He eventually emerged on the other side, in a deep vast meadow, and he could see the beast up ahead. He recognized it almost immediately, "Serpent-Tyrant…!"



DiStort: Batteries replaced and ready for another ten-minute or shorter fight.



The evil demon stopped dead in his tracks, sneered at the little unicorn and snickered. "Lightning Dawn… we meet again!"

"That voice…" Lightning muttered "Those eyes…!"

It was all coming back to him now… back when he was a cold



Svensvenderson: I knew Lighting was a virus!



and that serpent monster attacked his village and killed his parents. "You…! You're the one! You killed my parents!"



Disco: Uh oh, he’s about to go all Inigo on us!



Serpent-Tyrant admitted it "Your parents begged me for my mercy, and so I gave it to them. I ended their worthless existence quickly! Yours shall follow if you don't tell me where you have hidden the rainbow stone I seek."

Lightning's ears twitched, "Rainbow stone? What do you mean, and why are you after the stones?"

Serpent's eyes glared angrily "That… is of NO CONCERN OF YOURS!"



Svensvenderson: Which means Mykan hasn’t thought of it either.

Drizzel: He doesn't think of a lot of things.



and he dashed forth to strike Lightning who leapt out of the way. "I don't know what your deal is… but I don't know where the rainbow stone is, and even if I knew do you think I'd tell a slippery snake such as yourself?"

This angered Serpent and he charged again, he didn't dare use his plasma-vapour for fear of harming the fairies village, and he'd never get the information he sought.



Svensvenderson: I’m sure at least one of the ‘hundreds’ of fairies would survive.



On, and on he kept dashing for Lightning. Lightning kept dodging hoping he could tire the demon out, but there was no chance of that for Serpent was much bigger and defiantly stronger than he was and could go on much longer than he could. Still, Lightning wouldn't let him near Krysta's village. "I'm not going to let you hurt the fairies! You hear…!"

Serpent merely laughed at him, "You, making threats towards me? How amusing!" finally, he pulled a fast one on Lightning, instead of charging straight at him, he burrowed under the ground.



Disco: Serpent-Tyrant used Dig!



"Uh oh…!" cried Lightning and he decided to fly upward before Serpent popped up again.

POW! The demon launched up from the ground and bolted straight into the sky, straight for him. "Whoa…!" Lightning swerved out of the way just in time. "Ha! You missed me…!" that's what he thought when. WHAMM! Serpent's long tail came at him from below casing him to start falling. Lightning was barely able to get enough thrust to soften his landing and nearly crashed hard. "Uhn…! Ohh…!"

Now that he was temporarily stunned, Serpent summoned out his "SMALL SERPENT SOLDIERS!"



DiStort: I’m sensing a pattern here.



some to hold Lightning down, and a few more to head for the village. "No…!" cried Lightning as he tried to break free.

Serpent sniggered wickedly. "Those poor, pitiful, fools! It's a shame their queen has only just returned after being away for so long, only to face the end of her land, and once she tells me where the stone is hidden, I will have no further use for her anyone either."

Lightning felt his blood turn cold.



Svensvenderson: Lightning now comes equipped with hot and cold running blood!



"You wouldn't…!"

"I CAN… AND I SHALL!" shouted Serpent.



Anon13: Aha … “shall”. The verb of choice for cliche villains everywhere.



"But you won't…!" snapped a voice from beyond the forest, followed by a blaze of light, and the other serpent soldiers running from the woods scared out of their scales. "Who dares to defy me?" snarled Serpent.

That's when a small portal appeared, and she stepped out and was followed by a swarm of other fairies behind her. She wore a royal robe, a warrior's helmet and was carrying a fairy-sized scepter. "Wow…! Krysta…?" exclaimed Lightning…

His friend smiled "The new and improved… Queen Krysta." she said with pride. "I remember, everything now…!"



DiStort: “Except the inflating boobs. Still not sure where those came from.”

Wild Trotter: Maybe she read one of those magic books by accident...if you know what I mean.



she then snapped,



Svensvenderson: Took her long enough.



and explained that after she had hidden the rainbow stone, in a last ditch effort, she blanked out her memories and sent herself off to a faraway dimension. She knew that as long as the location of the stone was not revealed, Serpent wouldn't dare strike her land or harm her people.

"Serpent-Tyrant…! You and your kind are not welcome here! I warn you to leave immediately, or suffer the wrath of the fairies."



Disco: Ooooh, scary.



Serpent was not taken in by any of that. "Wrath of the fairies…? Nonsense…!" he began to charge forth ready to strike the swarm. "Guys…! Get out of there…!" cried Lightning. The fairies didn't move, and instead, with Krysta's command, some of the fairies teamed up alongside her. "Now…!" she shouted, and all at once they combined their magic to form a much larger force field to prevent the evil demon from moving any further. He growled and roared in outrage, and then the fairies decided to get rid of him.

"As queen of the realm of fairies…" Krysta said with pride "I hereby banish you from our world. Ready everyone?"

The fairies all shouted out, and joined her in creating a large portal that began to suck Serpent into it with a powerful air current.



Anon13: So, now this fic literally sucks.



Still, the evil demon was determined not to give up and began to struggle against the pull, and none of the fairies could give it anymore power, or move from where they were standing or the portal would break. "Ha, ha, ha…! Too bad fairies!" hissed Serpent "You're time is nearly up!" By this time, he didn't care if he had the information he needed or not, he was just going to wipe them all out in a quick instant with his plasma-vapour, but as he readied himself to attack, while still holding against the pull of the vortex behind him…

Lightning had broken free from the serpent soldiers, and was glowing! "Not so fast, tough guy!"

Serpent could see him, and growled. "You think your puny little magic frightens me? THINK AGAIN, YOU PUTRID PONY!"

Lightning's narrowed his eyes "I'm no pony, I'm a unicorn…!"



Svensvenderson: “Bitch!”



he sneered as he glowed brighter than ever, and recited the magic chant, and shouted, "This is for my parents!" and he unleashed the "…UNIFORCE!"

The force collided into Serpent, and while to his it was very small, and didn't do much damage, it did give the fairies enough power to push him hard enough into the portal, sending him to another dimension. "I'LL GET YOU YET…!" he shouted before he vanished completely and the portal closed.

The rest of the serpents vanished, and all was quiet again.

…

With the demons gone, and the kingdom now safe, Krysta remembered she had hidden the rainbow stone, it was only half of one, but it would help.



Svensvenderson: It was under the couch.



After she told Lightning the dimension where it was hidden, Lightning needed to head back to Unicornicopia and tell The Grand Ruler at once.

The other fairies gathered to make a portal for him to leave, but Lightning couldn't help but say to Krysta, "Look, Krysta… if you want to stay, or you want to come back with me… I… well…" he paused, "I won't hold against you."



DiStort: Krysta: “Have a nice life, asshole!”



"Lightning…?" peeped Krysta as she watched her friend leap into the portal, and he was gone…!

A small tear rolled down Krysta's cheek, and the other fairies felt sorry for her.

…

Upon returning to Unicornicopia, Lightning found a letter from The Grand Ruler on his bed



Svensvenderson: Two of them, an ‘F’ and a ‘U’.



requesting he come immediately. Lightning did as he was told, but he felt nervous inside.

Upon his arrival, he bowed to his master, and Grand Ruler gazed at him. Lightning took a huge breath and apologized over and over for leaving Unicornicopia. "Calm yourself, Lightning." Grand Ruler said "I have not brought you here to scold you. I have something for you, something I know you will love."

Lightning was confused and then from behind his master's throne. "Krysta…?" fluttered towards him. His friend nodded. "But what are you doing here, I thought that…?"

"Well…" Krysta said "I left some of my things behind, I couldn't leave just yet, and also… I live here!"

Krysta wanted to stay in Unicornicopia.



Svensvenderson: Yay.



She owed Lightning her life, and now that he fulfilled his promise by restoring her to her roots, she could never begin to repay him enough. Even so, her kind, the fairies, they were supposed to go out and meet new creatures and stay as long as they wanted. "You gave up your home, and everything you had for me?" Lightning asked.

Krysta nodded. She would miss her people, but at least she could create portals now, and go visit them whenever she needed, but as for Lightning… she'd miss him more. "Lightning, you believed in me… and kept my hopes up, and I don't want you to be sad just because of me. So in other words…" she flew onto his face and hugged him warmly "You can't get rid of me."



Disco: Damn it.

DiStort: Double damn it.

Svensvenderson: Son of a..



Lightning almost felt like crying, and so did Krysta.

"Friendship and believing are powerful gifts."



DiStort: I thought only believing was powerful. You’re sending me mixed messages here, GR.

Anon13: Hold up, I thought Mykan didn’t believe in Friendship?



Grand Ruler said "I am very pleased with you both, but next time, do inform me that you are leaving the kingdom. It is very dangerous out there."

Lightning and Krysta bowed to him, and then Krysta explained the location of the rainbow stone she had hidden. She remembered she had hidden it in the land called…



Crazy56U: Canada.



Equestria!



Crazy56U: O_o … … ...what?

Disco: Really? Really?!

Wild Trotter: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!

Isphone: At this point, I’d be happier if the characters all shrank down in the Magic School Bus and went into Chuck Testa’s stomach to find all the nope this deserves.

DiStort: That’s... oddly specific, IsPhone.

Svensvenderson: I’m going to go cry in a corner now.



Grand Ruler's expression changed at the sound of that name. "Equestria…" he muttered under his breath. "It can't be…!"



Anon13: Our thoughts exactly.

Crazy56U: ...WHAAAAAAT?!?!



…

Author's notes:

Yeah that's right… it was unavoidable and trolls and flamers won't leave me alone over it.

I watched SOME of the eps of FIM to gain information I require to do what I need (Got very sick)



DiStort: Good and pleasant things make him physically ill. It’s official, this man is a Yugopotamian.

Wild Trotter: A real-life equivalent of a Yugopotamian? Sucks to be him, then.

Svensvenderson: Which would actually be good for him, because anything bad is good?



and I am very, very, VERY ANGRY and upset for watching it!



Drizzel: Too bad! EAT FRIENDSHIP!

Wild Trotter: Maybe you won’t weasel your way out of your much-needed therapy sessions either, Sir Wangst-a-lot!

Crazy56U: (twitching with anger) It is far past the point that incorporating FIM will make this any better. FAR PAST.

Isphone: But watching Barney and Bear in the Big Blue House was so much better...



Author's notes:

I'm still very, very, upset with all this… but I must point out…

When thinking of a name for the Grand Ruler, I looked over hundreds of different names and chose the best one.



DiStort: Please. Don’t act like you actually put effort into any of this.

Svensvenderson: What? Was the runner up Grand Meterstick or something?



Also…I would appreciate if you NOT think of him a Sue/stu,



DiStort: As the Ink Spots once said, “It’s a Sin to Tell a Lie.”

Crazy56U: Nope. I can’t NOT believe in what is so obviously fact.

Disco: I believe this fanfic has hit rock bottom.

Svensvenderson: Every time I think it’s hit rock bottom, it just keeps on going.



because believe me, he isn't or he would be 100% totally perfect and would never have a taste of adversity or defeat as you are about to find out.



Drizzel: Oh, you mean like HOW HE IS RIGHT NOW?!

Wild Trotter: A little too late for that, I’m afraid. *groans* It’s “A Forgotten Race of Dragon” all over again! At least that fanfic was mercifully short.



EPISODE NINTEEN



Wild Trotter: And here we go, the Equestria episode. This’ll be fun for everyone involved.

Crazy56U: Since I decided to get rid of my cooler in between parts of this riff... this will be painful for me.

DiStort: (Jiggles bag of weed) Still got this. Any takers?

Wild Trotter: Oh, I’ll take some.

DiStort: (Hands Wild a joint) You enjoy that, my friend.

Wild Trotter: *smokes the entire joint in one sitting, blowing a smoke image of GR getting ripped and torn to pieces* Aaaah... much better. Anyways, let’s continue.

Svensvenderson: This is gonna suck.



Titan's fallen minions had retreated to a cave in a different dimension, where all they ever did was curl around a bonfire and berate themselves for their ultimate failure. Where would they go now? What would they do?



DiStort: Well, I mentioned that desk job before...



"I guess we just sit here and wait for the end to come…?" said Rep-Stallion.

Dementia sighed heavily "We'll probably fail at that too. We're nothing but fools!"



Svensvenderson: No argument here.



Suddenly, they all heard the sound of someone sniggering in the shadows, it said. "You're only a fool if you give up."

Mysterious stepped forward. "Who's there? Who are you?"

Out stepped a black unicorn with dark armor, and a shadowy mane. She said, "Like all of you, I, too, am of the fallen evil, but I may be able to help you restore your pride over you vanquish… if you will help me."

The minions felt an evil grin returning to their faces for the first time in a while.



DiStort: A single grin over all three faces? Ze images. Zey are terrifying.



"We're listening." said Mysterious.

The unicorn explained that she, too, had enemies she wished to crush, but it was obvious she couldn't do it alone and therefore thought it best to seek followers who would help her. "If you agree to help me… I will show and grant you all a magic so great that will make you all, and myself virtually invincible."

The minions weren't too sure at first. This unicorn seemed pretty slick, almost too slick. Still, seeing it would be nice to try one last time to avenge their master's fall, and claim their victories.

"Do we have a deal…?" asked the unicorns as she extended her hove. The minions decided, "Very well…" Mysterious said as he touched his hove to hers. "By the way, what's your name?" asked Rep-Stallion.

The unicorn sniggered softly. "Nightmare…" she hissed "Nightmare Moon is my name!"



Disco: Nyyyyyx!

DiStort: Oh, I could hug you! Y’know, if it weren’t for all the ticks.

Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “But seriously, what the hell am I doing in this story? Honestly, someone you can’t defeat reeks of horse feathers.”

Dementia: “If only those “heroes” didn’t win all the time...”

Rep-Stallion: “And I have a scythe ownership lawsuit coming up.”

Mysterious: “And I wanted to hold Titan so badly...”

Nightmare Moon: *sighs* “And I wanted to hold Twilight Sparkle in my forelegs, with Luna sleeping alongside the two of us as well...”

Dementia: *sighs and facehoofs*

Rep-Stallion: *drinking a flask of “orange juice”*

Crazy56U: Honey, I am so, so sorry that the mean man put you into this. ...why not show him what for and dump him on the moon? ...j-just a thought...

Isphone: Better yet, find out whether or not the moon is a suitable melee weapon...

Wild Trotter: Drop the freakin’ moon on him? Joshua would be proud.

DiStort: I know a guy who turns his fist into a replica of Jupiter to punch people with. Maybe he could help.

Wild Trotter: Why not have Abobo help out as well?

Svensvenderson: It’s not Nightmare Moon. It’s the Nightmare Moon from the possible future of an alternate dimension! Let me be in denial, damnit!



…

In Unicornicopia, Rhymey was selected for the mission to travel to Equestria and obtain the rainbow stone which was there.



DiStort: There cannot possibly be a good reason for that other than the fact that he hasn’t done anything yet.

Anon13: It gets him out of Unicor... WhereverWeAre.



Lightning and Krysta escorted him to Grand Ruler's palace.

Rhymey was going alone eh



Svensvenderson: “Kills aleins and doesnt afraid of anything.”



had heard stories about Equestria from Krysta. She didn't learn too much about it when she was there, but she knew it was another kingdom where ponies, pegasi, and other ground unicorns lived.



DiStort: What was notable about these ponies, however, was that they were not biologically maddening anthromorphs. In other words, better.



"Gee… I never thought there were other unicorns like us." said Lightning "You excited, Rhymey?"

Rhymey felt both excited and nervous.



Svensvenderson: Excivous, you might say.



"There's no telling just what I will find,

So many curiosities fill my



Svensvenderson: Empty.



mind.

Many creatures may come along,

But I will venture, brave and strong.

No matter what or who is there,

I'll just give them an icy stare…

Grrrrrrrrrraaah…!"



Wild Trotter: Your rhyming isn’t getting any better, you idiot!

Crazy56U: Of course, the second Rhymey enters Equestria, he’s going to get the crap beat out of him by everypony there. And there will be much rejoicing.

Disco: Zecora will have to take him in.

DiStort: I’ve actually been imagining him as a zebra this entire time. I feel kinda bad about that now, that’s really not fair to zebras.

Wild Trotter: Unfortunately, last I checked, there were no black stripes on Rhymey.

Svensvenderson: But there will be some black and blue spots!



Krysta and Lightning exchanged looks of concern. "He's ready…!" they both said

Upon arriving at the palace, The Grand Ruler was sitting on his throne and playing a harp. He seemed rather sad though, the expression on his face and the song he was playing gave it away.



Anon13: A medley of Cure songs.



Lightning cleared his throat, gaining his master's attention. "Oh… sorry, I was miles away."

He led everyone to the portal chamber, and by Krysta's instructions,



Svensvenderson: “Chevron seven, locked.”



Equestria was found. "Good Luck, Rhymey…" said Krysta.

"Have fun." said Lightning.

Rhymey nodded at his friends, and then gazed at the glowing portal. He gathered his courage and began to dash straight at it…

"With thoughts in my head, and nerves in my tum,

Look out, Equestria, HERE I COME!"

Then he was gone.



Wild Trotter: Maybe the ponies’ll see how obnoxious Rhymey is and hogtie him.

Crazy56U: Let’s just hope that Pinkie decides to make cupcakes with him.

DiStort: Now there’s a Pinkie murder victim I think we can all get behind.

Svensvenderson: And there was much rejoicing.



Grand Ruler just kept staring sadly at the portal and the images of the realm Rhymey had gone too. He looked sadder than ever now. Krysta and Lightning were very worried now. "Sire… is everything all right?" asked Lightning.

His master said nothing at the start, and then he said,



Svensvenderson: “Unicornicopia sucks. Equestria is so much better.”



"Lightning, my faithful student… I'm afraid that I haven't been completely open with you or any of my subjects. There are things about me that you just don't know and I had hoped it would remain that way, but I cannot keep it to myself any longer."

Krysta and Lightning were confused. "What do you mean?"



DiStort: “Aw man! Why does everyone always come out to ME?!”



asked Lightning.

"Follow me…" his master said, and lead the two into his master bedroom,



Drizzel: Again, TOO EASY.



and revealed a secret sealed door behind a tapestry on the wall. "I never let anyone else, and I mean anyone else in here…even my royal guards haven't guessed of its existence… but if the two of promise not to touch anything, and to keep this a secret… I will show you something interesting."



DiStort: Ew.

Svensvenderson: His clopfic collection?



Krysta and Lightning promised solemnly, and with that, Grand Ruler unlocked the room by inserting his horns into the keyholes, and in they went.



DiStort: EW.

Wild Trotter: No comment... Just...no comment.



The torches lit up and Lightning and Krysta felt they had entered paradise.



Svensvenderson: ♫ Come with me, and you’ll be, in a world of, pure imagination ♫

Drizzel: Unfortunately that world is not this world.



The whole room was covered in wild flowers; small rivers formed a ring around the center where there were stone benches, and lovely small trees. "This is lovely…" said Krysta "It's almost like my home in the Valley of Fairies."

Grand Ruler explained that this was his private sanctuary. The place where he came to meditate in peace or whenever he wanted to be alone and think to himself, but most importantly this shrine was dedicated to the memory of something most dear to him. "What's that…?" asked Lightning.

His master pointed to the fountain that was in the center of the patio, to the statue on the top. It was a lovely unicorn with a long horn, Pegasus wings, and long mane and tail. "Wow! She's beautiful." said Lightning.

"Who is she…?" asked Krysta.

The Grand Ruler sat down, and he began to tell them his story, and for starters, his real name was not The Grand Ruler, it was just a royal title he adopted himself, for he was not originally of royal blood.



Wild Trotter: Oh, friggin’ hell... Let’s get this over with. *chugs vodka*

Crazy56U: (inhale) Strap in everypony... this is going to hurt.

Disco: This won’t end well for anyone.



*Grand Ruler's POV*

I was born in the magical kingdom of Equestria, far away in another dimension over a-thousand years ago. I was named Celesto.



Wild Trotter: Celesto Morgan will throttle you for using his name in this mess.

Crazy56U: On second thought, screw this noise. I’m skipping this part. (leaves to go read “Pony POV Series”)



I felt very unusual for some reason, different you might say. Then one day I discovered why…



Drizzel: I was a Mary Sue/author insert! *Screams*



I was a unicorn with golden wings, and instead of having just one horn, I had three.



Disco: So he looked in a mirror for the first time?



All of them were gold.



Wild Trotter: Why not made of lead instead? *groans, taking another swig of vodka*

Svensvenderson: Hell, make it plutonium.

Anon13: You mean Plot-onium.



My parents introduced me to many of their friends, but they all seemed to stare at me and act as if something was wrong.



Wild Trotter: Stallion 1: “Three horns? How in Celestia’s name is that even POSSIBLE!? And why are they all golden, too?”

Mare 1: “Methinks he might be destined for Equestria’s equivalent of that one human school house called “Sparklypoo”, correct me if I’m wrong.”



This made me feel very uneasy. My parents didn't have three horns or golden wings.



DiStort: Bucking genetics. How do they work?

Svensvenderson: Well, unicorn Dinky Doo’s mom is pegasus Derpy, so I have no idea.



None of the other colts in my neighborhood had golden horns either.



Wild Trotter: Because gold plating impairs your magic, doesn’t it?



On my very first day of pony school, I could feel all the other foals staring at me. I wished they wouldn't.



Wild Trotter: Foal 1: “Is it too early to hate this guy?”

Foal 2: “He reeks of Marty Stu, I know it.”

Foal 3: “Even my parents couldn’t stand him.”



I tried to make friends but all the other foals just seemed to go away. Some acted nervous around me as if I were a monster and others they refused to let me play and just laughed and called me names.



Wild Trotter: Wait, you ripped off the “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” storyline? In this case, however, I’m rooting for the bullies here, because honestly, your “Grand Ruler” was just ASKING for it from the first episode.



"Tri horned, freak!"

"Uni-Creep…!"

"Magical mistake…! The circus is that way."



Wild Trotter: Foal 1: “Emo dolt!”

Foal 2: “Black Hole Stu, come wash away the plot why don’t you?”

Foal 3: “And quit clopping to Celestia, you idiot!”

Foal 1 & 2: “Eeew!”

Foal 3: “What!?”



The worst one of all was a pony named Dusk Shine.



Disco: NO. You are not dragging Dusk Shine into this travesty!

DiStort: Let’s just pretend every time he says Dusk Shine, he’s saying something else. Like... Turnip or something.



Every day he would go out of his very way to pick on me, or to laugh at the way I looked. I tried to tell him that I couldn't help having three horns and golden wings, but he continued to bother me to such an extent.

"Look everyone, the little foal's going to cry and throw a hissy fit."



Wild Trotter: Dusk Shine: “Still in “utter nerd rage” mode from “Things Change”, I see. Seriously, no wonder all the other foals don’t like you, you prove to be much too sensitive, not to mention you annoy the hell out of your readers with your massively-overinflated ego and you always take constructive criticism as a bad thing in your delusional, twisted mind; you even delete your negative reviews that spell out exactly why they don’t like your stories, especially with how you go overboard with twisting those normally-happy-go-lucky characters into sadsack twits just because your favorite pairings, which you take far too seriously by the way, didn’t work out in canon...and even those who once gave a shit about said pairings are getting fed up with your antics; don’t even get me started on those self-inserts, especially Mr. Three-Horns, here! On top of that, you had the BALLS to rip off OUR world, and then drag all of us Equestrians into this crapfest-of-a-story as well. You have no idea how badly you need to go into therapy you moron!”

Crazy56U: (sticks head in) “No one cared to ask why Dusk Shine decided to start berating the author at this point. In truth, a lot of ponies secretly praised him.”

DiStort: Woah. Meta.

Wild Trotter: What? “Celesto” was asking for it.

DiStort: No, no, I agree, it’s just... both himself and the author were just owned on like, three different levels. It’s Ownception up in here.

Wild Trotter: Well, alright. *swigs a bit of celebratory “orange juice”*

Var: Worth mentioning is that 'Dusk Shine' was the name of a poster that criticised him on a thread in FIMchan.



Var: That's right, this is Mykan revenge fic'ing a dude.

Drizzel: Dusk Shine started this. Let us end it!



He would say, and everyone would laugh at me, and making crying sounds expecting me to start blubbering.

I didn't throw any fits, but I did run out of the school near tears. I felt so alone. So unwanted…



Wild Trotter: In this case, rightfully so.



I couldn't understand why everyone hated me,



Wild Trotter: All of us readers, on the other hand... Well, the rest of the story, up to this point anyway, spoke for itself.



just because I looked different didn't mean I should be treated as such.

(Rankin Bass' Jack Frost- One of a Kind)



Wild Trotter: *groans* Oh, not a Rankin Bass song, too!



The happiness of being me…

…is not what it's cracked up to be.

It's lonely being one… of a kind



With all the known variety

The things that life gave to me

It's lonely being one… of a kind…



I wish, I could be, like everyone I see

Not special, just an ordinary guy

Who has friends, and is loved

And leads a happy life

If only…I was given the chance to try

The happiness of being me…

…is not what it's cracked up to be.

It's lonely being… one… of a kind

It's lonely… being…

…One…

…of a kind!

A tear rolled down my face and splashed at my reflection in the water.

As I got older I began to embrace some of the wonder of being alone, with still some hope that I would make friends one day.



DiStort: Ah, the blind hope of a child...



I learned many magic spells, but in my spare time I learned amazing things like how to stand up right on my hind legs and seem taller, and doing things with my front hooves like having hands or claws. I even began to teach myself how to dance.

I tried to show off my talents,



Svensvenderson: “Like hopscotch.”



hoping to earn a little respect from the others, but all it did was increase the tension and the bullying from them all especially from dusk shine.



Wild Trotter: Who is no doubt already pissed that he and the rest of Equestria is even dragged into this story to begin with.



He threw an apple at me that got stuck on my middle horn.



DiStort: Wow. Nice shot.



"Hey, look… that apple's eating a freak show." Everyone laughed at me, and was very depressed.



Wild Trotter: I dunno about you guys, but I might skip the rest of this part. Drama-filled backstories written poorly make me sick to my stomach. *pukes blood* Ah, dammit.



So depressed, I began to study harder with magic, and I found something that would help me. A cover up spell that turned my golden wings white to match my color… I also made my middle horn white and made the other two vanish. Now I looked normal, and just in time for one of the biggest events for school ponies.



Svensvenderson: The prom?



The Pony Games!



Anon13: The thought of a bunch of teenage whatever-he-ises trying to kill him and each other is oddly appealing.



A great event where foals learned to become ponies… They would learn to fly, master their magic, and also, be inspected and judged by the future ruler of Equestria… Celestia… and she had also come to participate in the games herself.



DiStort: Hmm, yeah, I don’t think so. Celestia is way too busy with more important things like CREATING THE UNIVERSE and stuff.

Svensvenderson: Taking a nap would be more important than this.

Drizzel: She's just trolling, just when the events start she'll teleport the games to the moon.



I caught a glimpse of her and I couldn't stop gazing at her. Best of all she gazed back at, blinked twice and



Svensvenderson: Said “What you looking at, freak show?”



smiled. "Well, what do you know? I think she likes you." said Dusk Shine.



Wild Trotter: Dusk Shine: “I can’t believe you made me say that, author.”



I was amazed. This was the first time he wasn't rude or mean to me, possibly was because of the spell hiding my horns and wings, but I couldn't help but still gaze at Celestia.

The games went well, everyone did their best. I showed off more of my anthropomorphic tricks which helped me clear through a lot of the trials with ease,



Svensvenderson: And that worked because plot.



and everyone applauded me. They didn't laugh at me at all.



Wild Trotter: In fact, some of them were secretly planning to kill him.



I felt so happy, so wonderful for the first time. Yet every few moments I would notice that Celestia was gazing at me with great interest.



Anon13: The same way people rubberneck at accidents on the freeway.



During a lunch break, Dusk Shine actually invited me to sit with him and some of his friends, and they kept saying how incredible I was,



Wild Trotter: Dusk Shine: “You sicken me, you know that, Mykan?”



and it was Dusk who persuaded me to go to Celestia, who was eating her lunch under a tree alone.



Svensvenderson: The future princess didn’t have any guards or anything?



As nervous as I felt, I went over, but our eyes met. "Nice day…" she said to me.



DiStort: “I should know, since I raised the Me damn sun.”



She sounded a little



Svensvenderson: Annoyed? Hungry? Sleepy? The suspense is killing me!



"Yes."

"For the games… I mean."

"Sure…"

We kept exchanging remarks back and forth, and we both felt a little silly… Celestia also noticed my wings kept twitching, and I kept feeling my only visible horn in worry. "Are you alright? Why do you keep feeling your wings and your horn?"



Svensvenderson: “Don’t you know you’ll go blind?”



I didn't want to tell her, so I just said "Why… am I doing something wrong?"

Celestia apologized, "I don't mean it that way." she said, and since I already her name. She asked me what mine what. "Celesto…? I like that name. It means… heavenly."



Wild Trotter: Considering how the author butchered the characters of Daisuke and Beast Boy, that name’s actually ironic, now that I think about it.



I blushed, "Really…? Well… so does Celestia. I think it's… beautiful."

She giggled softly.

"Um… Celestia… after the games… I know you're the future ruler, but… would you… would you walk home with me?"

She hesitated for a moment, but she agreed. "I will… Celesto- I think you're sweet."

My heart leapt with joy.



Svensvenderson: “SHE THINKS I’M CUUUUDDDDEEEE!”



She thought I was sweet, and with my newfound confidence, and hope finally blossoming in my eyes, I finished the games as one of the top three grand winners along with Dusk Shine. "Hey, you know… you're all right." he said. It was a sign that he and I would be friends



DiStort: I think this nicely sums up my thoughts here.



, except when we had a playful wrestle



Disco: Is that what they’re calling it these days?

Wild Trotter: Poor Dusk Shine will be needing brain bleach afterwards.



to congratulate each other for our victories the magic spell wore off thus exposing my horns and my wings.

Everyone gasped loudly, and as expected, many of them began to laugh at me and call me names again.



Wild Trotter: Shortly afterwards, their mouths began foaming with rage, wanting to rip Celesto to pieces as their eyes began glowing red to reflect such intense anger.



The referees declared me disqualified, thinking I had been cheating all this time using magic and confiscated all my medals and awards.



Wild Trotter: As one last pony’s-equivalent-of-the-middle-finger to Celesto, one of said referees slapped an “Epic Fail” badge onto one of his flanks.



"Yeah, you're all right…" said Dusk "All right as in wrong, Tri-horned reject!"



Wild Trotter: Dusk Shine: “I’m sorry, did I say that? I meant Unholy God Emperor Marty Stu!” *sighs* “Well, that felt good.”

Random Pony: “Dusk Shine speaks for us all!”

DiStort: And that is the story of how Dusk Shine became the champion of the people. Or ponies, as it were.



Celestia saw and heard everything and thought everyone was being very unfair.



Wild Trotter: A few of the hecklers quickly caught on that Celestia was under the sway of Celesto’s all-too-perfect charms, much to their further indignation.



She saw me run off on my own feeling broken hearted and sore for the last time.



Svensvenderson: Stretching before exercise could help with the soreness.



"Celesto…?" she called as she raced after me. "Celesto…?"

I stopped and turned to face her. "Well… what do you want?" I asked almost sharply. Celestia walked up to me. "You… you promised to walk home with me. Remember…?"

"Aren't you going to laugh at my horns and wings too? Everyone else is."

She shook her head and said with honesty and truth, "I think they're handsome. Much better than the way you tried to hide them with magic."



DiStort: I’m not usually one to re-use a joke... wait. Who am I kidding?



I felt a little better hearing that from her, but still, "They're terrible. They make me different from every-pony else?"

"But that's what makes you so grand, unique and special." Celestia said "Everyone is special in the own way.



Anon13: Yeah, we pegged you as … “special” … from the first sentence.



Combine that with your sweet personality, why and filly would consider herself lucky to be seen with you."



DiStort: Unfortunately, Filly had moved away recently.

Svensvenderson: Why was coming out of a long term relationship, and was on the rebound.



Celestia was very kind-hearted and understanding. She never judged anything by how it looked, but why what they could do.



Svensvenderson: Why not what they could do?

Drizzel: That is...the....question?

Anon13: Actually no, Mykan just typed random words.



It became clear to me that even though she was future ruler of Equestria, I had made a friend. Having one friend was better than having none.



Anon13: You mean there’s value in Friendship, Mykan?



As I grew older I mastered more magic, and skill, and continued to practice my own arts.



Svensvenderson: Like hopscotch.



I even taught Celestia some of my tricks like how to stand on your hind legs and do things with her own hooves instead of relying on magic.

Celestia even taught me some other types of spells even how that when in future, she'd help raise the sun in the sky and welcome the day. We were great friends, she and I, getting closer and closer every day.

Celestia believed and showed me that friendship was a very powerful gift,



Drizzel: You could say that it was MAGIC.

Wild Trotter: In the wrong hooves, it can be very irritating for everyone else.



and she felt honored to share it with me, and I felt the same way, but I also felt strongly about believing.



DiStort: And that is why Celestia will always be better than me.



Until I met Celestia, nothing went too well for me, but I kept on hanging on trying my best, and things started to work out fine. Celestia liked that too.



DiStort: I’m wondering how Luna feels about all of this.

Wild Trotter: You’ll see...pretty soon, in fact.



Eventually, Celestia was crowned princess, and I couldn't be seen with her



Svensvenderson: Or anypony else, for that matter.



much anymore. We both didn't like that, so I decided to enroll as one of the palace guards, training myself for combat, and getting stronger, not only did I graduate with full honors, but I qualified for a special tournament that would decide who would be captain of the guards, and serve as Princess Celestia's right-hand pony.

As fate would have it, Dusk shine and other bullying ponies entered the tournament as well, and hadn't changed a bit.



Wild Trotter: Much like their low opinion of being in this fanfic hadn’t improved, and honestly, I absolutely don’t blame them.



Now they were ruder than ever, and continuously picked on me trying to weaken my confidence. "Give up, Tri-Horned Puke!" snapped Dusk "No way the princess is going to want a freak show like you by her side."



Wild Trotter: Dusk Shine: ”Considering that you’ve gotten me into this mess, no way is her sister Luna gonna want to have ANYTHING to do with you either, now that you’ve gotten Celestia under your spell.”



I paid no attention to them and just kept on believing in myself, and the way Celestia kept gazing at me indicating she also believed in me.



Svensvenderson: Celestia was actually stoned out of her mind.



As the tournament progressed I did very well, thanks to my skills and training, and even my anthropomorphic skills proved amazing. I was still taunted at and teased by Dusk, and I even found out that all he seemed to care about was winning just so he could be by the princess's side,



Wild Trotter: In actuality, however, he wants to snap Celestia out of her trance so badly, he didn’t care what lengths he had to go. Just as long as he did it efficiently.



and he only cared about her beauty… her looks! This angered me severely, and made Celestia feel unhappy to overhear it as well.

At the end of the tournament, it was down to me, and it was down to Dusk.



Svensvenderson: I guess the tournament took longer than they had intended.



"I'm going to enjoy taking you out, you manure pile." he snarled at me. I said nothing and just merely concentrated. I did very well, as best I could, but it when came to water breaks, I began to feel sleepy and tired, and the worst part was, I lost! Dusk had won.



Wild Trotter: Dusk Shine: “Oh please, even Spell Nexus is more sympathetic than you ever will be.”

Drizzel: And 20% more fabulous.



Accepting my defeat, but still feeling rather disappointed I walked off, but when Dusk went to Celestia to accept his "Prize" as he called it. It was then revealed that he had cheated in the tournament by putting a sleepy potion in my water trough, this was what made me sleepy and Dusk's victory assured. "I did it for all of us…!" snapped Dusk. "Who the heck wants the three horned mistake by their side."

Celestia lost patience, and disqualified him herself. "You are unworthy of being a royal guard. You are a bully, and a cheater. You have no honor, no respect, and no care for others who seem different."

Dusk tried to protest, but he was thrown in the dungeon for the rest of the evening.



Wild Trotter: Said dungeon being a cantina in disguise, with Nightmare Moon and friends getting rip-roaring drunk. No doubt, it would soon be the Mare in the Moon’s turn to dispense with the Stu herself.



…

With dusk disqualified, that indeed made me the winner. I was knighted as the captain of the guards, for fighting fair, showing respect, believing in myself, but most of all… because I believed in my bond with Celestia. Only now I was beginning to feel more than just friendship towards her.

After assuming my place as captain, I took my duty to heart and



Svensvenderson: Bled out.



helped lead the army against any evil forces, and kept Celestia well protected. I often got to stand by her side too, but she preferred I call her by name and dispense with the formalities.

As time went by, the kingdom began to respect me being captain, and some began to understand my ideas and hopes of believing and friendship.



Wild Trotter: Luna was just lucky not to be in the story...or was she?



One night, during a grand gallop ball, I was summoned before Celestia, because she had a gift for me as a reward for all my services, kindness, loyalty, and various other fields. She presented me with a red cape with golden marking sewn on it.



Svensvenderson: It was a giant “☢”.



She made it herself, just for me to go with my golden, jewel encrusted armor. It suited me very well, and the whole kingdom agreed.

I kissed Celestia's hove and asked "Princess fare… May I have this dance?"

She



Svensvenderson: Asked who Princess Fare was.



accepted, and I escorted down to the ballroom floor, and everyone cleared the way to give us plenty of room. The music began to play, and as we danced beautifully, we began to sing to it.

(Style of Strawberry Shortcake- Beautiful you)



Disco: ...There are no words.

Wild Trotter: Oh fuck me, another song? *chugs absinthe*

Crazy56U: …sigh. (comes back) ...it’s official. He’s hit the bottom of the barrel of shows to ste- I mean homage from. Seriously, Barney was bad enough, but then he pulls THIS shit?!

DiStort: AGGH! STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE! THE ANTI-PONY! IT BUUUURRNNNSS....

Wild Trotter: *Hands DiStort some absinthe* Here, drink this.

DiStort: (CHUGS) Whoo! Okay. I’m inebriated enough not to care anymore.

Crazy56U: I thought Nash Boznard was the anti-pony? He did create the big middle finger to “Friendship is Magic” that is “Arlo’s Pony Paradise”. ...yes, I went there, shut up.



(Celesto)

You are not your jewels. You are not your mane.

You are not the grace that others try to explain

Rich or even poor, it's still just all the same



Anon13: Though I wouldn’t know, because I’m too damn lame!



You're still simply wonderful, You!

(Celestia)

You could be a guard with the finest clothes

But it wouldn't make you any nicer, I suppose



Anon13: You’re worth less than the green stuff pulled out of my nose

You dumb, worthless blunderful you!



If you looked down on me, while turning up your nose

You would not be wonderful, You!

(Both)

It's not how much you sparkle, that makes you like a star

It's what inside your heart that tells you… who you are.

(Celestia)

Glamour's not the way. It's the other way around

Of all the things I glad I have found

(Celesto)

That it's not about the way you look.

(Celestia)

It's the things you say and do.

(Both)

That make you wonderful, You!

(Celesto)

I am not my horns, and I am not my wings

(Celestia)

And I am not my crown, cause' in my heart… I'm many things

(Both)

So let us just both say, that we do not have a care

About the way we look, and the things we wear

(Celesto)

That it's not about the way you look.

(Celestia)

It's the things you say and do.

(Both)

That make you wonderful…

That make you wonderful…

That make you wonderful, You!



Wild Trotter: *pukes more blood* Oh friggin’ hell that was awful. *groans*

Crazy56U: OK, I think you need some medical assistance, man. Just duck out now; we won’t think any less of ya.

Wild Trotter: Nah, I’ll be fine. *groans* I’ve had worse.

Svensvenderson: Dude, I don’t even want to know.



As the song ended, Celestia and I were lost in each other's eyes, and then, right in front of every pony in that ball room, we shared our first kiss. Every pony cheered and applauded.



Wild Trotter: The cynics amongst the audience puking in disgust, notwithstanding. *vomits more blood* I...being one of those. *coughs* Continue.



Celestia and I had fallen in love, and we grew closer and closer to each other every day. Sharing ideas, hopes, dreams, and then… one day… Celestia came to me… and proposed!

"What…?" I said unable to believe, "Us… Marry…?"



Wild Trotter: I can hear the Twilestia shippers calling horseshit on this one. *grumbles* The year of the black cock, and it’s only monday. Ugh...

DiStort: I can hear the universe calling horseshit on this one.



Celestia explained it was a marvelous idea, this way all their dreams would come true and Equestria would become one of the most peaceful and prosperous realms in the known Dimensional Universe, but most importantly because



Svensvenderson: Plot.



she loved me.



Wild Trotter: A little too much, it seems. *pukes more blood* Oh wait, it was Doomworld-Brand Booze I was drinking. My bad.



I loved her too, very much… I was captain of the guards which was the next best thing to being actual royalty, and it really would be a chance for me to show everyone the true magic of friendship and believing. So I accepted her proposal.



Wild Trotter: Now I wish for Discord to just come and butcher Celesto already. *pukes again* ...Crap, this story must be getting too sappy to believe...no pun intended, of course.



We planned to announce our engagement at the next year's ball, and all my time, I spent making the Rainbow Rod, as a gift of affection to my fiancé,



Disco: Their bedroom activities were...interesting.

Anon13: Do. NOT. Go. There.



channeling power into it, however… on the eve of the ball when we were to announce the engagement the kingdom was attacked…



Svensvenderson: Oh darn.



Celestia's sister, Luna, jealous of her sister's duty in raising the sun, and that she had found true love while she herself had not.



Wild Trotter: Either that, or Luna found Celesto to be far too stu-tiful herself, feeling her stomach rumble and her lunch lurch ever upwards through her throat.



She had transformed into a demonic creature known as Night Mare Moon!



Crazy56U: (dully) Oh look, he spelled the name wrong. My surprise, it’s vast and infinite.



Her plan was to overthrow her sister and cast eternal night on the kingdom.



Wild Trotter: Or rather, mainly get rid of Celesto. That “eternal night” plan could wait for the pilot episode.



She and her evil followers wasted no effort, and in the struggle the guards and I sprang into action. They fight was long, and the evil ones were tough, but I had to protect Celestia, and that was the first time that I had summoned the Uniforce, and blasted all her followers out of action.



DiStort: Why do I have a feeling what really happened was that he was stalking Celestia in a bush or something, so Luna tried to defend her sister by kicking his ass?

Wild Trotter: I won’t complain about that, though.

Svensvenderson: That makes so much more sense than all this.



*Regular POV*

"The uniforce is the ultimate power of the rare golden horn." Grand Ruler said, "By using the uniforce, a unicorn may very well have the power to increase its battle capabilities to infinity!"

Lightning and Krysta were shocked and amazed. "Whoa…! Infinite power!"



DiStort: Where is the universe, Highlander?

Anon13: There can be only dumb!

Wild Trotter: Where is Deathbringer Thanatos when we need him to take Celesto out?

Svensvenderson: Plugging a power strip into itself does not a perpetual motion machine make.



cried Lightning. "No wonder…"

"But wait…" said Krysta,



Svensvenderson: “There’s more! If you call within the next 10 minutes, we’ll double the order of horseshit!”



"That doesn't explain how you ended up here."



Wild Trotter: “And I still have no idea why my boobs blimp up randomly!”



Grand Ruler explained that, at the time, the uniforce could only be used for an instant as it focussed all the energy of the unicorn into one concentrated bust of magic. "After I had used it on Night Mare's minions, it left me drained of all my power and strength. I had nothing left to fight off what happened next."

*Grand Ruler's POV continued…*

Night Mare managed to overpower me in my weakened state,



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “Thanks for having such a weaksauce weakness in your “oh-so mighty uniforce”, you idiot!”



trapped me inside a large gem, and hurled me out of the kingdom, straight for dimensional space, where I would be lost.

All I could see was Celestia reach out and scream, "NO…!"



DiStort: “HE STILL OWES ME FIVE BITS!”



"CELESTIA…!"

Then, in a bright flash, I had passed out.



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “And stay out, Rip-Off Supreme!”

Celestia: “I....wh-what had...happened? My head hurts!”

Nightmare Moon: “I need a freaking drink.” *facehoofs*

DiStort: We all do, NMM. We all do.



…

When I had awoken, I found myself free from the gem in a distant, uninhabited, and unstable, dimension. All alone, lost, and with no hope to ever find my way back to Equestria.



Svensvenderson: And not a single fuck was given that day.



I didn't know how far I had come. I had never been to any outer dimension before.

I realized that if we're going to live in this place, it had to be made suitable. So, using all that I had learned and master, I fixed the world up. I made the forests, the mountains, the waters, the skies, and form what Celestia had taught me, I learned how to raise the sun and the moon, and control night and day.



Disco: He ascended to a new level of Mary Sue-dom.

Drizzel: One not seen since Comander Mary Sue herself!

Anon13: What, she didn't make Fleet Admiral? Damn, she wasn't even trying.



I had changed the dimension to a lovely world, but I was still lonesome and longed for companionship, and so… I decided to create the first life forms of this new world. I tried with all my might, but was only successful in creating winged unicorns, I could create nothing more.

They were the very first that would help me start a world of my own, my own kingdom… a new life to help me overcome the sadness that lingered in my heart.

That kingdom had since become… Unicornicopia.



DiStort: He forgot to invent a marketing department to help with the name.



With that, I had assumed my rightful position, and adopted my royal title, The Grand Ruler.



Svensvenderson: Of course.



I never wanted to be addressed by my real name again for all the bad memories it brought me, and with all my might, I vowed that evil had taken away everything I loved… I would never allow it to continue.

I and my new subjects began to train, I even learned how to master the uniforce, and learn more about it so using it would not exhaust me so much if ever I would need it again.

I vowed that me and my race would become strong, and dedicate our lives to binding and staving off evil to maintain peace throughout the rest of the dimensional universe.

*Regular POV*

Grand Ruler



Crazy56U: Okay, now I want to punch him. Honest to god, if he were real, I would choke him. To death. With my bare hands... And smile while I do it.

Svensvenderson: And I’d help hide the body.

Crazy56U: And that’s why you’re my new best friend.



sighed heavily, and Lightning was at a loss for worse, while Krysta blew her little nose "That's so beautiful and sad!" she sobbed.



Wild Trotter: *vomits up a little more blood* For me, it’s just sickening how you insert yourself into your own story and mess up Equestria.



Lightning then asked, "But sire… now that you've found Equestria, why didn't you go with Rhymey?"



DiStort: Restraining order. He’s not allowed within three dimensions of Celestia.



His mentor explained that he couldn't just leave Unicornicopia. "I cannot abandon all my subjects after all this time and all we have endured. I have changed so much, Lightning."



Wild Trotter: And yet, you’ve changed so little.



Even still, it had been well over a-thousand years since he had seen Equestria, or Celestia. Even if he were to go back and even if Celestia was still alive… would she recognize him after all this time? Would she even remember him? Would she still have feelings for him?



Svensvenderson: Would she care?

Drizzel: Do we?



"I really have not much to hope for or expect by going back now."



Disco: So, under all that bravado and psychobabble, he’s just an insecure loner.

Svensvenderson: Just like Mykan.



"Oh, Master!" sighed Lightning.

Grand Ruler just stared at the statue once more. "Celestia…!" he said deep in thought "If only I could… nothing would please me more than to see you again."

"Hey…" Krysta whispered to Lightning "Do you think Rhymey's okay in Equestria?"



Crazy56U: He better not be...



"I don't know." said Lightning.



RingmasterJ5: And that’s it for now. Hopefully he’s still going to write that final part...

Disco: Oh Celestia, make it stop! *sobs*

Wild Trotter: Man was that plot twist stupid. *pukes one last bit of blood* Thanks a lot, author.

DiStort: Don’t worry, Wild. I got a blood IV you can use. We’ll have you back to full redness in no time.

Wild Trotter: Well, thanks... I guess. Anyways, we’re in for a wild ride ahead, and the Mane Six and friends will be hurting as well.

Crazy56U: I fear how this is going to end... considering how now it’s a crossover with “Friendship is Magic”.

DiStort: Hopefully it ends with Discord and NMM dancing on GR and Lightning’s graves.

Wild Trotter: And the other villains going on a big-ass vacation.

Svensvenderson: Ok, just one more, and it’s over. Just keep telling ourselves that.



* * *





Author's response

To Buddy Keith:

You wanna talk to me, find some other way, heck get an account even



RingmasterJ5: This gives me an idea. I have a second Fanfiction.Net account used to annoy Invader Zim fans, and I’ll let anyone that wants to leave a review for the author comment below me and I’ll add it in a “group review” on his fic. You can’t delete non-anonymous reviews.

Wild Trotter: Alright, alright. Let’s wrap this fanfic up, *hic* put a nice big bow on top, and kick it out the door. This story has really worn out it’s welcome here.

Svensvenderson: I will personally kick the flank of anyone who welcomed this story.

GelidEnmity: I welcomed it into our FFT3K. Is that bad?

Wild Trotter: Even if this story did go the way of Pony POV, I still wouldn’t enjoy it.



EPISODE TWENTY

In the magical kingdom of Equestria, it was that time of the year for the Grand Galloping Gala ball, and this year, Twilight Sparkle and her friends promised to have a much better time.



Crazy56U: And thus the migraine begins anew.

GelidEnmity: Is it just me, or does this sound sexual?

Chaossorcerer: It’s a wonder they are even invited after the last disaster. Did Fancypants have a hoof in it?

Anon13: Need to watch the show more... that disaster is why they're invited back.



"I don't think I'd like to go." Fluttershy said timidly.



DiStort: Her stupidity senses are tingling.



"WHA-AAT…?" cried Pinkie Pie "But you can't bail out! It would be like a party without cake or a pool party without water or, or song without singers…"



Disco: Or a fanfic without a point!

Svensvenderson: Which is what this has been so far, so why start now?



"Calm down, Pinkie!" said Twilight. "Fluttershy, why don't you want to go?"



Crazy56U: Don’t question it! Listen to the best pony! Leave while you still have a chance!!!



Fluttershy trembled nervously and tried to hide her face inside her mane. "Dang it, girl." snapped Applejack "You gonna tell us, or do we have to sit and guess?"

Fluttershy explained that after the mess she made last year, she wanted try fresh and maybe ask to dance with a colt.



Svensvenderson: Which is why you don’t want to go?

GelidEnmity: She’d rather go with a mare.



"Oh you must! You simply must!" cried Rarity "I myself have already been asked to the ball by several of the colts, and I promised I'd dance with each and every one of them at least once. To think, that neglecting one would break his poor heart."

"I wish I was one of those boys." muttered Spike.



Svensvenderson: Mykan DOES watch FiM! Come out of the stable, you arrogant twat!

Chaossorcerer: He admitted in some forum to have watched some Ten episodes; now he feels violated by friendship.

Anon13: I’d say friendship would feel violated by him.



Fluttershy just didn't have the courage to even think of asking a colt.



GelidEnmity: But a mare’s fine?



That didn't surprise anyone in the least bit. "Ah, come on. You just need better confidence, like me." said Rainbow Dash as she zipped up and down and every way around "What kind of colt would resist this?"



Disco: The kind that is turned off by boasting, self-centeredness, and insecurity?

Crazy56U: Okay, it’s bad enough that I have to riff on the most painful part of this dreck; must you bring up that episode as well?



The others honestly didn't know how to answer that.

"You could always just come with us." said Twilight "At least you'd be with your friends."

Fluttershy peeked through her mane. "Um… gee… that would be nice." Still, she just lost her nerves all over again, and ran for home as it was getting late, and the ball was tomorrow night. Rarity just realize



Svensvenderson: She has the wrong tense!



"Oh, my! I have so much to do. Ball gowns to sew, tuxedos to stitch, or I must remember to look my best for each of the colts I promised to dance with. One must always look her out most glamorous no matter who she dances with." then she ran off.

"Same old Rarity…" Twilight sighed



DiStort: As far as Mykan knows, anyway.



Spike just kept gazing heavenly at Rarity's empty seat "Yeah… same old Rarity." He sighed with hearts in his eyes.

"Spike…!" snapped Twilight.

"What…?"

The others just sighed in dismay. Poor Spike never gave up.



Wild Trotter: Fluttershy: “I have a very bad feeling about this story.”

Twilight Sparkle: “Yes? What is it?”

Spike: “We’ve all been dragged into an awful fanfic, haven’t we? That doesn’t happen all that often, either.”

Fluttershy: “This Celesto... he might come back. I think Nightmare Moon did one thing right by banishing him. He might be another one.

Rainbow Dash: “Another Marty Stu? Oh geez, he might’ve won Celestia over somehow, but he won’t fly with me anytime soon.”

Rarity: “And three golden horns? Maybe this Dusk Shine was right for picking on him. I mean, one horn is enough.”

Applejack: “What the hay was that author thinkin’ rippin’ off our world? I know he must’ve snorted poison joke or somethin’.

Pinkie Pie: “Why would Mr. Author do all that? That’s worse than that Ursa Minor incident, or the time Discord got loose.”

Twilight Sparkle: “Speaking of Discord, maybe he can rule this “Unicornicopia” world.”

Rarity: “In the meantime...” *sighs* “Let’s ride out this travesty of a story together.”

Applejack: “Ah, horse-apples this’ll hurt, ain’t it?”

Rainbow Dash: “No kiddin’.”

Pinkie Pie: “After this, this calls for a “We survived an awful fanfic” party, whadya say, everypony?”

Twilight Sparkle: “Everyone in Equestria’s invited.”

Spike: “Oh what I would do to give that author a piece of my mind...”

Rainbow Dash: “To give him credit, at least he didn’t butcher us too badly...yet. Ah, crud, why am I gonna regret saying that?”



…

Fluttershy was lying on the ground outside her house with her animal friends all around. Playing with the animals always cheered her up when she felt sad and nervous, but so did looking at the stars. "They're so beautiful." she said "You could almost reach out and touch them."

Then, she saw a glowing star, and she wasted no time in making a wish. "Oh great wishing star, I wish I could have the courage to show myself at the Grand Galloping Gala."



Disco: When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference how poorly written you

are~

DiStort: If this is going in the direction I think it’s going, then I’m about to go get the Thunder Megazord out of my garage for some serious stomping.

Chaossorcerer: I would rather go with a mech suit. It is far more personal and enjoyable to rip them apart with your own hands, then to stomp them dead.



The star continued to glow, and it seemed to be coming in closer.



Svensvenderson: No, this isn’t happening.



"Huh…?" Fluttershy began to realize it wasn't a star at all. "S…So… Something's up there!" she cried. Her animal friends all scattered and hid. "Great idea…" she exclaimed as she hid herself too.

The glowing was coming from the horn of a winged unicorn,



Svensvenderson: *starting to tear up* No it’s not.



one that Fluttershy had never seen before. He seemed to be following the glow of his horn right to her house, and he landed in the front and Fluttershy got a look at him.



Svensvenderson: *crying* No! This isn’t happening! I refuse to believe anypony, especially one as kind as Fluttershy, would be exposed to anything that comes out of Mykan’s twisted little imagination!

Chaossorcerer: Well, she is. Want to join me in my quest to erase unicornicopia from the multiverse? My plan involves Discord’s return and a truckload of bubble gum.

Drizzel: I'll get the chocolate milk!

GelidEnmity: That’s an imagination? No, he got these ideas off of some crappy anime.



He was a yellow unicorn, exactly the same color as she was. His yellow mane was very short, and he wore a matching suit of armor across his body with matching boots on his hinds legs, and he white pants.



DiStort: The first thought that crosses Fluttershy’s mind: What kind of crazy pony wears pants?

Chaossorcerer: Rarity’s mom...

GelidEnmity: Well, he did say crazy.



The stranger could see Fluttershy peeking through the shrubs, he stood upright on his hind legs, and bowed to her, and then he said…

"In friendship and goodwill, I come.

Unicornicopia is where I'm from.



Crazy56U: (grabs shot gun, points it at Rhymey) Get the hell away from her, you little annoying piece of crap. (pumps gun) You just run along, and I’ll let you keep your face.



I'm searching for a long lost treasure

Take me, stranger, to you leader."



Crazy56U: (twitch) I MEAN IT! I’LL DO IT!

GelidEnmity: THAT ONE DIDN’T EVEN FRICKIN’ RHYME!!!



Fluttershy, shaking with nerves, slowly came out from behind the shrubs, and much to this, and the stranger almost fell. He had never seen such a pretty pegasi before.

"Forgive me if must stare.

You seem pretty and very fare."



Disco: “That’ll be a buck fifty, and you need exact change.”

Crazy56U: Okay, I warned you! (fires gun... only for it to backfire a la “Looney Tunes”) ...ow.



Fluttershy blushed, "Me… really?" she asked still feeling a little timid. "Um… do you… well I… just want to know… do you always speak like that… in rhyme

"Yes I do… all the time." rhymed the stranger.

"My name is XL7Z,

But if you like, just call me Rhymey.

I'm pleased to greet you,

It's nice to meet you."



Drizzel: NO FLUTTERSHY! RUN! He's putting you under a spell!

Disco: Rhyming pickup lines never fail.

Chaossorcerer: (Rhymey): Now please lay back, and with any luck, we both will have a very good--

GelidEnmity: *Slaps hand to Chaos’ mouth, shushing him with his middle finger*



Fluttered shy approached him on all fours and extended her hove. "Hi… I…I'm Fluttershy."

Rhymey tenderly kissed her hoof, and Fluttershy's face turned bright red.



DiStort: YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, AMIGO.

Crazy56U: (passes shot gun) Here. Let’s see if you can get a shot off.

GelidEnmity: Show me some raw meat, and I’ll take care of your pony problems...

Drizzel: (Picks up phone) Hello? Pinkamena’s Bakery? I have a proposition for you...



"Oh, my…! Oh…!" she was at a loss of what to say or do. Rhymey almost felt the same.

"There's history right before my face.

I've met new life in Dimensional Space.

And all because of my expedition,

To find the rainbow stone, that is my mission."

Fluttershy seemed curious. "What's a rainbow stone?" she asked.

"It's rather difficult to explain.



Disco: “It’s a poorly conceived MacGuffin.”



But I have flown far, and my wings are in pain." said Rhymey. Then he let out a yawn.

"Oh, you poor thing." said Fluttershy and she wasted no time at inviting him in for the night. Rhymey didn't want to impose, but Fluttershy insisted.



Disco: Yet she fails to notice that there’s a third alicorn in Equestria now.

Wild Trotter: One far less tolerable than Nyx, if that’s even possible.

Disco: I didn’t think it could be pulled off. Well done, Mykan!

Svensvenderson: Huzzah, I guess?



As he walked inside her house, his horn began to glow, which startled Fluttershy. "What's going on?" she cried nervously.

"My horn is shining bright,



Disco: It’s obviously the unicorn equivalent of a wingboner.



For the rainbow stone is somewhere insight."

That's when he noticed a small shining object hanging over the fireplace. It was half the rainbow stone that he had been looking for- the yellow part. Rhymey gazed in awe as he dashed over to take it. "Excuse me…?" asked Fluttershy.

Rhymey held the stone and cried…

"My mission has been a success,

The rainbow stone I now possess."



Disco: Well, that was inexplicably convenient.

Svensvenderson: He then leaves and Fluttershy blocks the event out of her memory, never mentioning it to anypony ever again. THE END.

GelidEnmity: HEY! That “THE END” is MY job!!!



Fluttershy was still confused, but when Rhymey yawned again. She insisted that he rest. Luckily she had an extra cot when she had visitors, usually animals.



Drizzel: At least the author didn't make it "only one bed".

Anon13: Thank Celestia for small favors.



"Here you go…" she said "I hope you'll be comfy."

Rhymey yawned again and said…

"Oh thank you, you are very kind,

And right now, it you don't mind.

I'll count the stars, or maybe sheep,

And slowly… fall… fast… a…sleep."



Disco: “Slowly fall fast?” How does that work?

GelidEnmity: Silly Disco, the writer doesn’t understand physics! It’s the perfect explanation!

Drizzel: SCIENCE! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!



Then he was sleeping very peacefully.

Fluttershy left him alone, and was still hardly able to believe this; a strange unicorn just dropped down from the sky and was now sleeping in her house. Did her wish come true…?



Anon13: In this case “wish” translates to “moldy-wheat created fever dream”.



Her animal friends seemed to agree it had. "Oh… I just have to tell someone."



Wild Trotter: *chugs more vodka* Oh Fluttershy... I know how you’re REALLY feeling about this story on the inside.

Svensvenderson: Yes! Tell someone about the weird rhyming alicorn! GET HELP!

Anon13: By “someone” may I suggest the authorities and/or the guys with the white coats?



She got her chance when a knock at the door startled her. It was Applejack. "What up, partner. You left in such a hurry you forgot to pay for your milkshake. Just thought I'd tell ya, ya owe me a little favor now, ya hear?"



Svensvenderson: Ew.



"Applejack… you won't believe this!" squeaked Fluttershy, and she kept going off in so many sentences. "Whoa there, racehorse…! Slow down at the pasture and tell me."

"Oh…!" pepped Fluttershy. "Too bad Rhymey's asleep."

"Rhymey…? Who's Rhymey…?"



DiStort: “Fluttershy, you been caring for them druggies again?”



Fluttershy tried to explain about the stranger who dropped from the sky, but Applejack just giggled and laughed. "I think you're a little more confused than a mouse in a catty corner."



Disco: Or like somepony reading a crappy fanfic.

GelidEnmity: Or like a jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of July with Junebugs in a Pickle barrel!

Anon13: Hey, leave Junebug out of this, she’s a nice pony.

chaossorceror: I hate Texan stereotyping. And I know AJ has a heavy accent, but at least she does not lose herself in cowboy talk.



"No! It's the truth." Cried Fluttershy, but Applejack didn't believe her and merely dismissed that she had been up too late and her mind was playing tricks on her because of the ball. "Look you just go catch some Z's,



Crazy56U: Yes, please, get Coach Z! His creepiness will kill Rhymey somehow!



and I'll see ya tomorrow." And she left still laughing, "Rhymey…? Unicornicopia…?"



Wild Trotter: “Makes as much sense as Fluttershy turning into Princess Gaia.....buuuut I digress.”



Fluttershy felt a little upset.



Wild Trotter: She was actually upset at how awful Rhymey’s schtick turned out to be.



…

In the gardens of Canterlot, near the hedge maze, The guards stood watch, when suddenly, from above in the starry skies, a pair of red and sinister looking eyes gazed down at the statues, preferable the one of the chaos god, Discord. They eyes glowed brighter, and the statue suddenly faded into thin air, but the guards didn't notice a thing.



Chaossorcerer: But Celestia will, when she takes her morning walk.

Drizzel: Celestia: “Discord, since you’ve been such a good statue, I’ve decided to set you fr-- OH MY ME!”



…

Discord was brought back to life and found he was floating in the void of dimensional space. "Where am I?" he wondered. "Ooh… but this sure looks like fun."



Wild Trotter: Discord: “I’m in a bad fanfic?” *grins evilly* “Once this story’s done, I’ll rewrite it to where I win instead. Maybe that will redeem it somehow.”

DiStort: For ONCE, Mr. Discord, I am completely on your side.

Wild Trotter: Discord: “Why, thank you...erm...DiStort, was it? Oh well, I have no idea what to expect of this story...yet.”

Isphone: Barbosa: Ye best start believin’ in crappy stories Discord; Yer in one!



That's when two large red eyes appeared before him and he heard a dark and sinister voice call to him. "I have released you to do my bidding! I am your master now."



Wild Trotter: Voice: “I brought you here because I have more than a bone to pick with a certain someone.”

Discord: “Oh, really? Do tell me.”

Isphone: Wait, did discord just break the fourth wall and make a riff?

Wild Trotter: Actually, Unicornicopia’s own villains are getting extremely tired of this travesty, pretty much in the same manner we did a long time ago.

Svensvenderson: If anyone could break the fourth wall besides Pinkie Pie, it’d be Discord.



Discord felt confused. "Excuse me, but have you any idea who you are addressing? I am Discord, the god of chaos.



chaossorceror: You know, a villain who despite being a sillier version of Q, is still better than all villains by Mykan put together.



The only one who gives orders is me!" and he tried to zap magic on the two eyes, but to no effect. "What's this?" he cried in disbelief.

"Your powers are as feeble as your attitude." hissed the voice "Still… they will serve well with what I am about to grant you."



Wild Trotter: Voice: “You’ll see REALLY soon who I want eliminated. But first...I believe a little “upgrade” is in order.”

Discord: “Oh, for me? You shouldn’t have.”



Again, Discord insisted, "Look… I'm very flattered that you freed me from that prison, and I'd love to make it up to you,



chaossorceror: With a glass of chocolate milk.

Kevin Z. Lobete: You mean a chocolate milk of glass.



but I really must be- AA-AAAH…!" He was being shrouded by powerful magic, "What is this…? What are you doing to me?" he demanded to know.

The evil voice sniggered wickedly. "Yes…! This will do nicely."

When the magic had faded, Discord felt completely different, and his voice was much deeper too. He laughed hard ad evilly, "What is your wish, my master?" he asked.

The evil voice behind the eyes laughed again.



Wild Trotter: Discord: “Getting right to the point, are we? Now who is the perpetrator who dared pull me into this blasphemy? This is even worse than being turned to stone for crying out loud.”

Voice: “Very well. It’s some creature known as a tri-horned alicorn, a three-horned alicorn with three golden horns, that is. I will now show you the entire story thus far, if I may.”

Discord: “Oh, please do.” *The whole story literally flashed before his eyes over the span of seconds, including Celesto’s backstory, causing him to whimper softly.* “This is gonna suck, isn’t it?”

Voice: *sighs* “You have NO idea how big of an understatement THAT is, my chaotic friend.”



…

The next day, all over Equestria, everyone was busy preparing for the ball. Pinkie just couldn't keep still. "It's tonight! It's really tonight!" she squeaked. She was so excited that she almost ruined Spike and Twilight's new carriage when she ran by. "That Pinkie…" said Twilight "Do you think she'll ever learn?"



Wild Trotter: Twilight Sparkle: “Well Spike, let the pain begin.”

Spike: “Well, Wild, you and the other riffers are on your own.”

Wild Trotter: *sighs* “Oh, fuck me.”

Crazy56U: (takes shot gun back) … … (sigh) (pumps gun) ...ready.

GelidEnmity: I just had steak, Rare meat. And boy, these alicorns look good... *growls*

Drizzel: (Still on the phone) “Will it take long? ...I’ll keep them distracted. Don’t worry, no one will miss them.”



"Not as much as you." said Spike "Great idea using a banana this year instead of an apple. It'll fit more of you inside."



DiStort: Just don’t let Celestia see it, or you’re all going straight to the moon.

GelidEnmity: I think I should read the context before this... I was skimming and came along “Banana”, and “Fit inside”.



Twilight had been practicing the spell for a while. "Yeah… I think it is a nice coach."

That's when they heard someone touchdown on the roof.



Svensvenderson: Spike then made the extra point.



"It really is a comfy car…

…for getting to places near and far."

Twilight and Spike looked up. "Hey, Fluttershy…" then she and spiked gazed at what they thought was Fluttershy. What happened to you? Is that what you're wearing tonight?"



Disco: Wow, failed spot checks all over the place.

Svensvenderson: Well, maybe they thought Fluttershy got hit with Poison Joke, and that changed her voice again?

chaossorceror: You mean, together with her entire speech pattern, taste in clothes and her cutie mark?



"Where'd you get that weird armor?" asked Spike.

Rhymey felt annoyed…



Svensvenderson: Congratulations! You now feel what EVERYPONY has felt since the beginning!



"This armor, sir, belongs to me.

Now… who might you two strangers be?"



Crazy56U: (fires... but the same backfire occurs) ...ow.



"Strangers…?" asked Twilight "Yeah… get real, Fluttershy."

Rhymey raised an eyebrow in confusion. They thought he was Fluttershy?

"XL7Z is my name.

Call me Rhymey, it's all the same."



Crazy56U: (fires, same) Damn it, I will keep trying until you die. I don’t need a face!



Spike and Twilight felt Fluttershy was really off her string,



Svensvenderson: Excuse me, her what?

Discord: You know, the ones I am pulling.

Drizzel: OH YOU!



and she probably had a unicorn perform a spell on her to change her into this, whatever it was, to help her be brave for the ball. They decided to just humor who they thought her.

"Okay…Rhymey. I'm Twilight Sparkle, and that's Spike."

"Oh, tell us… Rhymey, what brings you to Equestria. Where did you come from?"



Anon13: Your scholars call it “The Dimension of Pure Stupid”.



"Unicornicopia is where I am from

I've found the treasure for which I have come."

"Oh they have treasures in Unicornicopia?" Spike asked teasingly "and they all wear outfits like yours?"

"Well can't you hear?

It should be clear." answered Rhymey.

Twilight and Spike began to take their teasing a little too far by saying things like "Unicornicopian's love to play tricks on others?" or even, "And they disguise themselves to cover up how shy and timid they are…?" This made them laugh, but Rhymey was not amused, he felt rather insulted.



Wild Trotter: Then again, the Mane Six should be insulted that they’re even IN this damn story in the first place.

DiStort: Equivalent exchange, baby.

chaossorceror: At least Twilight and Spike realize how ridiculous Unicornicopia is.



"Honestly! This isn't fair.

When did you two visit there?"

Twilight and Spike didn't bother to answer and went off to get some decorations for the coach. Rhymey decided to fly off as he was exploring Ponyville a little before he would leave. It was really was a beautiful place.

"Stop right there!"



Disco: “CRIMINAL SCUM!”



hollered a voice.

"Wha…?

Huh?"

Rarity approached Rhymey. "What in the world? This will not do…?" she said as she eyed him from head to hooves. Then she dragged Rhymey to her salon, much to his confusion.

"Who are you, what are you doing?

Tell me what it is you're brewing?"

Before he knew it, Rarity was giving him a makeover and stripped him of his armor and clothes, and when all was done. Rhymey has his suit back, but he looked like a dashing prince- doublets, a cape, and his mane was all slick down.

"Oh, don't you look the handsomest." chirped Rarity



Disco: Ugh, Nyx flashbacks.



"You're really going to standout at the ball, Fluttershy; even you want be a male for the evening."



RingmasterJ5: ...WHAAAAAAT? I don’t...I just don’t...blah.

Wild Trotter: I... uhm... *chugs more vodka*

Disco: *Facehoofs*

DiStort: Screw the absinthe, what I really need right now is a bottle of Scrumpy.

Isphone: Keep your Scrumpy. I’m taking Skooma.

Crazy56U: … (puts shotgun in mouth)

GelidEnmity: I’ve taken to eating my own flesh...

Svensvenderson: Don’t do it Crazy! Don’t give Mykan the satisfaction!

Drizzel: I won’t let him break us!

Pinkamena: Is it really this bad?

Drizzel: How did you ge-nevermind.



Now this frilly thought he was Fluttershy too, and what was all this talk of a ball? Rhymey tried to protest to all this, but Rarity insisted, "No need to thank me, I'm pleased to help everyone look their best. Off you go now."

She pushed him out of the salon, much to his annoyance.

"I must say, she's generous all right,

But the way she acted, she doesn't seem polite."

He decided to head back to Fluttershy's before someone else saw him.



chaossorceror: Like Derpy, who was carrying an anvil. Ready to drop.



…



Pinkamena: So, how bad is this really?

(later)

Drizzel: And that about-hey are you alright?

Pinkamena: I feel sick...



Fluttershy was nervous and panicking like crazy when she found Rhymey was gone, but she was delighted when he showed back up, and was dressed in formal attire. He had a rough time in Ponyville. Fluttershy fixed him a quick lunch.

"This food you've made is so delightful,

I think I'll have another bite full."

"I always say… a good hearty meal always makes you happy and well." said Fluttershy. Rhymey thought she was very nice, they spent the time they ate getting know each other. Fluttershy told Rhymey lots of things about Equestria, even her friends which made them seem not so bad after all. Rhymey even learned about the adventures they had, the Elements of Harmony, and even the Grand Galloping Gala.

"Um… if you don't mind…" she asked "Could you tell me all about your home? Unitopia… er… Unicornica… or… whatever it's called."

Rhymey cleared his throat…

"Unicornicopia is far away.

In another dimension, you might say.



Svensvenderson: Which you would say, because it is.

chaossorceror: Also it will one day be destroyed by the time war.

Anon13: Can we move that up?



We love and work and play, you see,

And all are winged-unicorns, like me."

Through his rhymes he explained how he and his fellow creatures evolved as a warrior-race,



DiStort: In the loosest sense.

Wild Trotter: But not the type of warriors who believe that fighting is magic.



protecting the dimensional universe from evil forces.



Wild Trotter: With said evil forces feeling just as frustrated as us readers, no doubt.

Pinkamena: This stuff disgusts ME.

Drizzel: Thats why I called you.



Their powers and magic were used mainly for combat, but they did possess regular magic too, they just preferred not to use it and rely on it so heavily and preferred to believe in their own skills and talent. The rainbow stone was important treasure needed because the evil they had been facing were growing stronger, unlike anything any Equestrian had seen…



Wild Trotter: And Equestria would blame the Unicornicopians for bringing said evil to them.

Svensvenderson: And Equestria would be right, I might add.



their magic and Elements of Harmony seemed very mystical, but it was possible that even they would not be strong enough to wart of this type of magic.

"But remember this, please do,

Believe in the magic,



Chaossorcerer: Photo Finish: I, Photo Finish, am inzulted by that catchphrazze!



and there's nothing you can't do."

Fluttershy felt amazed, but then she noticed Rhymey seemed a little upset. "What's the matter?" she asked.

Rhymey sighed and said…

"I must return soon, as you know."

He then gazed at her almost lovingly, "I wish you could come with me when I go."



DiStort: YOU’RE PLAYING A DANGEROUS GAME, HERE.

GelidEnmity: General Zaroff is here, he wants to know which alicorn is his.

Svensvenderson: You rat bastard Mykan!



Fluttershy raised a hoof to her heart. "Rhymey…? You mean it?" Of course she knew that wasn't possible and very dangerous as well for her. Still, saying such a thing like that made her speechless, it was as if a colt had just proposed marriage to her.



Wild Trotter: Unfortunately, said colt was the wrong one...the very wrong one.



"When do you have to leave?" she asked "Do you think maybe you'd have time to… well… if you could stay… would you… would you…" she hesitated "Would you dance with me at the Grand Galloping Gala?"



DiStort: OH NO. THAT IS IT. I’M GETTING THE THUNDER MEGAZORD. THERE WILL BE STOMPING AND BURNING. (I’ll just keep riffing from the cockpit.)

Wild Trotter: Don’t forget Mecha Death Incarnate, ready for eye laser action.

Isphone: Where did I put my Hatredcopter?

Crazy56U: (fires shot gun into the air like Rambo) … That was my logical, well constructed argument on why this is stupid.

Svensvenderson: Well said, Crazy. Well said.

Pinkamena: But...But...

Drizzel: See?



Rhymey blushed, and thought that would've been lovely, but alas, he felt he wasted enough time already; he also didn't have a ticket.



Svensvenderson: Oh darn. Now he leaves, and the story’s over. THE END.

GelidEnmity: STOP STEALING MY “THE END” THING!!!



Besides, the ball wouldn't begin until well after nightfall, and by that time he'd be gone.

"But I suppose, just for a chance,

I will save you, one little dance."



DiStort: You just lied to Fluttershy. You are officially the worst person in existence.

Disco: You FIEND!

Crazy56U: (takes aim at Rhymey... and the backfire occurs) ...b-but I didn’t pull the... but... …



Fluttershy stuttered and stammered in excitement, and then realized she hadn't picked up her gown from Rarity yet. "I'll meet you the roof of Canterlot castle at sunset." she promised.

…

It was already late afternoon, and a lot of the ponies had gone home to have a long rest for the ball. Twilight and Spike were still laughing about what they thought was a joke.



Anon13: It wasn’t until much later that they realized Mykan was serious.



When they met up with most of the others "What everyone laughing at?" asked Rainbow Dash.



chaossorcerer: Twilight: I just stumbled upon this fanfic by Scootaloo called "My little Unicorn". It is so bad, it becomes funny.



"It's the funniest thing…" giggled Twilight, "Fluttershy's so nervous about the ball, she's pretending to be a creature from another dimension."



Disco: That’s right, the possibility of your friend having a nervous breakdown is hilarious.



"Yeah…" chuckled Spike "Oh… named Rhymey."

Pinkie kept leaping feeling all giddy "I just love when a practical joke is played. Maybe we should do something to humor her."



Svensvenderson: I can’t possibly see how this could go wrong.



Rarity came along, and said she just gave Fluttershy her gown, she looked normal though, not like when she was in her supposed unicorn disguise. "I think she's really taking this seriously. She said her… friend… Rhymey actually offered her to go back with him." Everyone laughed.

Then Rarity had an idea. There was still time for her to make some extra costumes so they'd all look like winged unicorns, even Spike. "You'll look adorable in that."

Spike turned to face her, "What did you say…?" he asked. That's when he pictured Rarity standing in a flowery field and her voice was heavenly. "I said you'd be adorable."

Poor Spike was so dazed that he fell out of his seat.



Disco: He tried reading this entire fanfic in one shot.

DiStort: That poor, poor bastard.

Svensvenderson: He’s still in the hospital. The prognosis isn’t good.

Anon13: What’s Latin for “His brain tried to eat itself”?

GelidEnmity: Aural Cholera?



Twilight rolled her eyes. Still, everyone decided to get in on the joke.

…

By sundown, everyone headed to Canterlot, for the ball was ready to begin. Twilight and friends were there, all looking like winged unicorns, much to other's confusion, even Princess Celestia. When Twilight explained, the princess wasn't very keen on them humoring Fluttershy with a joke, but felt Twilight would learn something from this, so they decided to let them all go with it. After all, the Gala was usually pretty boring.

…

Rhymey was standing up on the roof, in the outfit that Rarity gave to him. It was almost dark and he would have to leave soon, when he really should had left last night the moment he found the stone.



Svensvenderson: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Rhymey on this one.



He couldn't get his mind of Fluttershy though, he never felt like this before towards anyone.

Suddenly, he could see her far, far below in the castle ground she was there in a beautiful green, leafy-like gown,



Svensvenderson: She wore the same gown as last time? I’m surprised Rarity didn’t flip out.



but staring up at the roof and she seemed to be talking to herself for she was nervously and shy.

"What do I do…?" she cried "Rhymey's up there expecting me… oh!" She had to think fast, or else Rhymey would be gone soon and she wouldn't be able to dance with him even if she wanted, but she just didn't find the courage, but then one of the bunnies began to motion behind her. "What is it…?" she asked.

Then she heard someone clear their throat. It was Rhymey. She got down flat on the floor and whimpered while covering her eyes, "Oh, Rhymey… I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to keep waiting… I'm sorry I'm sorry…!"



Disco: “I’m sorry I’m in this story!”

GelidEnmity: “Sorry I dumped gasoline on you whilst you slept!”



Rhymey thought it was rather cute the way she acted shy, but when the music began to play, and they both heard it, Rhymey gracefully helped her up, and they started dancing. Fluttershy never felt so nervous in her life but, she slowly began to feel less timid.

"I told you I would save a dance for you,

You dance very wonderfully too."

Fluttershy didn't know whether to feel flattered or embarrassed, yet here she was, dancing with a colt, and she was very good at standing and moving on her hind legs too.



Chaossorcerer: Oh my god, anthropomorphism is contagious!



Rhymey almost wished they had balls like this back home,



Anon13: … no comment.

GelidEnmity: Comment: MYKAN, WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Pinkamena: So that’s the plan?

Drizzel: Yes, now all we have to do is wait.



but they didn't have as many because of the evil that always showed up to ruin everything. Being a warrior was not always easy… but still… for the first time in long time, he felt warm and soft as Fluttershy felt to him.



Anon13: rrrrgh... really no comment.



As the song ended, Fluttershy actually curtsied to Rhymey and he bowed to her and tenderly kissed her hoof again. The other animals applauded for them both. "That was wonderful." said Fluttershy.

Rhymey agreed with her…

"But now I must fly.

Fluttershy… this is goodbye."



Anon13: YES. FLY STRAIGHT INTO THE SUN YOU EMBODIMENT OF PURE ANNOYANCE!

Drizzel: Or at least die in the space in-between.

Svensvenderson: And he leaves. THE END.

GelidEnmity: I’m warnin’ you, son...



A sad expression appeared on Fluttershy's face, but she knew this was the right thing to do.

"I… I want to give you something." she said "Something… you know… like a gift."

"A gift for me…?

What is it? Please hurry!

Fluttershy searched through her gown, and realized she had left it the coach which she came in. She decided to run and get and meet him on the roof of the castle. Then she dashed off.

No sooner had she gone, did Twilight and friends, who hadn't seen her, approached Rhymey



Svensvenderson: How absurdly convenient.



wearing odd getups like his, and Twilight used a cover up spell to make them all look like winged unicorns, even spike, although the was only in a costume

"What do you think, Fluttershy…? I mean, Rhymey." Twilight asked teasingly, but Rhymey looked at them all feeling insulted again.

"What is with all you folk?

Is this some trick or a silly joke?"



DiStort: Eh, less of a joke, more of a “get the buck out of our universe” sign.

Chaossorcerer: To be honest, I can understand Rhymey once. For him this must be like a minstrel show.



The others just chuckled. "Nah… it's just our way of saying we want to be like you now. So we're all unicopians… or whatever it is you are." laughed Spike.



GelidEnmity: Yeah, just throw a wooden board at my face with the words, “Mary Sue” on it, and save me the trouble...



Rainbow came soaring and dashing across overhead. "Woo…!" she cried when she touched down, "And we figured we'd all come to this magical dream world of yours." she said.

Pinkie kept bouncing with excitement, almost forgetting that this was supposedly a joke. "I'm so excited, I can't wait to go!"

"Do be a lady… uh… I mean gentlemen." said Rarity "When is our departure time?"

"Yeah, we gonna go or what?" added Applejack, but Rhymey had officially had enough of their mocking him and said almost sternly…



Chaossorcerer: Rhymey: Leave me alone! Why can’t you let me be just a one dimensional character not even my creator wanted to give a good personality!



"I'm opening the portal in just a minute,

But when I do… you won't be in it! Huh!"

"Oh, how come…?" the others all asked in a teasing manner.

As Rhymey flapped his wings and headed to the roof, he explained…

"First: You're just too many a-crowd,

And second: Only winged unicorns allowed!"

The others just watched him fly up to the roof, but were still laughing at him, and exchanged funny sayings. "Watch out…!" cried Fluttershy as she came dashing through.

"Hey, Fluttershy?" asked Spike

"Sorry! Can't talk now…" she called back as she headed to the roof. That's when the others stopped laughing, "Wait a minute…!" said Spike "If that was Fluttershy just now… who was that up there?"

Pinkie gasped "There must really be a Rhymey!"

The others all gasped, and Applejack remembered what Fluttershy had told her, "Crumblin' crackers!



Anon13: *facepalms for the gazillionth time*



Ya don't reckon she's really goin' with him?"

"We've got to get up there!" cried Spike "Twilight, quick!"

"All right!" cried Twilight "Everyone ready…? Here we go!" and she used her magic to teleport everyone to the roof of the castle quickly just in time a bright tube of light came down from the skies. They didn't see clearly, but assumed Fluttershy was inside it. "Fluttershy!" cried Rainbow.

"Don't go…!" shouted Pinkie, but the tube of light already began to rise up into the sky. Pinkie burst into tears. The others felt depressed. She was telling the truth all the time, and no one believed her.

"Pinkie Pie, don't cry." called a voice.

"FLUTTERSHY…!" everyone cried. "Ye-Ha!" cried Applejack.

Pinkie pie still didn't stop crying, but at least she was happier now. Fluttershy forgave everyone for not believing her. She had fun that night anyway, and Rhymey even gave her a golden quill as a token of their new friendship, and she gave him one of her spare butterfly clips too.



Disco: Accessorizing Is Magic!



The others were all happy for her, and they all just kept watching the sky until the beam of light was totally gone.



Wild Trotter: And then, the mane six rejoiced...for now.

DiStort: HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU, RHYMEY, SINCE YOU FIRST SHOWED UP. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF FIBERS OF GRASS ON THIS PLANET, IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR YOU AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. HATE. HATE.

Pinkamena: Soon Rhymey will have no mouth but he will scream.

Drizzel: Wow. kinda dark.



…

Rhymey returned to Unicornicopia with the yellow stone in hand and joined it with the green half to make a whole Rainbow Stone again. Grand Ruler was very proud of him, and pleased that he had learned so much, made a new friend.



Anon13: Rhymey’s in the slow class, isn’t he.



The others couldn't wait to hear his story.

"It really is a lovely tale…" but then he noticed,

"Your majesty, you look a little pale!"



Disco: The poor writing was making him physically ill.

DiStort: (Pulls out microphone) DEEEEEEEP HURRRRRTING.



The Grand Ruler, indeed, smiled sadly, "I will be fine. If you will excuse me." he said and then he headed off.



Disco: A distinct retching sound echoed down the hallways soon after.



Rhymey was confused, but Krysta and Lightning knew what was up with Grand Ruler…

Grand Ruler had gone to his private sanctuary and sat down sadly while gazing at the statue of Princess Celestia.



DiStort: Wow. That’s... really creepy.

Chaossorcerer: What makes it creepier, the statue has a plothole.

Anon13: ‘scuse me a sec... (douses head in drum of brain bleach)



At least he knew she was alive.

…

Back in Equestria, Fluttershy was busy repeating her story about Rhymey, to a lot of the ponies and creatures who asked, and when Celesetia had heard the part about Rhymey's ruler being an Alicorn with three golden horns and golden wings, she hadn't been seen for the rest of the night.



Svensvenderson: She must be having PTSD flashbacks.



Twilight demanded the guards tell her, and it was revealed that princess had spent most of the night in her bedroom, weeping, but exactly why, no one knew.



Chaossorcerer: Cause she was suddenly reminded of the brain damaged moron who took advantage of her in younger years.



This made Twilight and the others feel terrible, and they wished there was something they could do… when suddenly…

The castle began to rumble and shake as the windows shattered and the chandlers fell from the ceiling.



DiStort: Aw, c’mon! They’re civilians in all this! Don’t get them involved!



"What's happening…?" cried Spike. Then suddenly, they all heard a scream coming from way up. "The princess…!" cried Twilight, and she and her friends all raced upstairs, but found the door to Celestia's bed chamber knocked down, the guards were all unconscious, and the whole room was a mess with a huge hole smashed right through the wall…

Some of the ponies fell in in heartbreak and shock, and Spike examined a small note on the princess' bed. "We have your princess now. You will never see her again. Ha, ha, ha! Night Mare Moon and friends…!"



Disco: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME.

Wild Trotter: “You’re welcome to join us as we give Celestia some special therapy, to get her back to normal, of course. Signed, Nightmare Moon and friends. P.S. a certain friend of ours has joined us for the ride.”

Chaossorcerer: Am I the only one who finds it amusing, that they wrote down their evil laughter on the letter?

Anon13: ITYM stupid.



"Princess…!" peeped Twilight as she felt tears falling down her cheek and her anger building up… all she could do was let out a scream of woe!



Wild Trotter: Said scream instead turning out to be one of frustration at this fanfic, far more severe than the one time she realized how long she held onto the idiot ball in Past Sins.





EPISODE TWENTY-ONE

(Part One)

Serpent-Tyrant knew that the only way to get the rainbow stones back now was to actually head to Unicornicopia himself



DiStort: Didn’t know Unicornicopia was a dude.



, and he had plans to do so, all he needed now was the right moment.



Wild Trotter: Serpent-Tyrant: “Maybe I should just nuke his kingdom instead and take the stones that way. They all died boom, the end.”



So in the meantime he began to strengthen and train his serpent soldiers so they would ready for the invasion.

Once the unicorns were out of the way, nothing would stop him from achieving his goals.



Wild Trotter: Getting a vacation with Nightmare Moon and company.



Unbeknownst to him, he was not the only one with sinister plots against the unicorns, and not just against them as well.



Svensvenderson: Mykan’s still out there, plotting.



…

Princess Celesita awoke from being knocked out after she was pony-napped. The last thing she remembered was crying in her bedroom during the ball, and the next, three strange creatures appeared and knocked her out cold with powerful magic.



Wild Trotter: Or rather, their magic calmed her down enough to let her rest.

Svensvenderson: The three strange creatures were named Moe, Larry, and Curly.



"Wake up sleeping princess." hissed a familiar voice "No, you're not dead, yet… just paralyzed."



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “Actually, I’m here to help rid of you-know-who’s blasted influence.”

Celestia: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Nightmare Moon: *facehoofs*



"That… voice…" moaned Celestia. "It… can't be!" but it was. She found herself in a hidden chamber, locked in a magical bubble with Night Mare Moon gazing at her form outside. "Sister…? Why…? This isn't possible."

"Sister, Celestia!" cried a voice. Celestia turned to see Princess Luna trapped in another bubble beside her, for she too had been pony-napped earlier before the gala even started. "Big sister…! That is not I."



Wild Trotter: Luna: “Curse this fanfic. Curse this fanfic to oblivion!”

Nightmare Moon: *sighs* “I know... Ugh, I need a drink.”

DiStort: Sorry, guys. Still looking for that bottle of Scrumpy.

Svensvenderson: I’ll drink embalming fluid at this point if it makes me forget this fanfic.



Night Mare sniggered, "Only half correct, foal! I happen to be a better, stronger



Disco: But is she harder and faster too?



version of what we once were!"



Chaossorcerer: Luna: Lady, even the most hardcore "Past Sins" hater would admit, that Nyx is less shitty than you.



Night Mare explained that when Twilight and her friends used the elements of harmony on her, what really happened was, Night Mare



Svensvenderson: It’s Nightmare Moon, you arrogant flankhole.



and Princess Luna were split into two, and the evil part headed into dimensional space with the intention of getting stronger, and then returning to Equestria for revenge!



Wild Trotter: Revenge on whomever roped her into this mess in the first place, that is.



She no longer required being part of Princess Luna and she no longer had plans to make an eternal night, but rather to destroy Equestria and then rebuild it into her own world and the rest of the ponies, pegasi, and unicorns would be conscripted into her army of slaves!



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “I’ll have Discord help with destroying this Unicornicopia, along with that wretched rip-off that shares a gender-bent version of Celestia’s name.

Luna: “Delusion, thy name is Celesto.”

Celestia: *tilts head* “Erm...Cele-who?” *Luna and Nightmare Moon both facehoof*



She wanted the two princesses alive for a good reason. She wanted Celestia alive to witness the downfall of everything she had loved and protected all those ages, and Luna… to show her what she could've had, but she chose friendship over evil and power.



Disco: There’s no way this could bite her in the ass later.

Wild Trotter: Or rather, Nightmare Moon was showing the two why the Unicornicopians must be stopped from occupying Equestria.



Celestia and Luna felt absolutely livid, but try as they did, they were unable to break free from Night Mare's spell. Night Mare laughed at them, "Foals! Weren't you listening to what I just said? I have become stronger now; your pathetic magic powers are no threat to me."

The two princesses struggled to stand upright. Celestia tried to reason with Night Mare about friendship being real magic.



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “Well, in the case concerning this story, I’ll take that over baseless faith being magic anyday.”

Celestia: *hugging Nightmare Moon, purring* “You’re cozy, you know that?” *Luna and Nightmare Moon both facehoof again*



"Silence!"



Drizzel: I kill you!

Pinkamena: That’s my line.



snapped Night Mare. She stomped her hoof on the floor, and Celestia was shocked by magic currents. "Big sister!" cried Luna.

Celestia wasn't hurt too badly. She glared angrily at Night Mare, "You won't get away with this!" she assured her. "Oh, but I will…" said Night Mare "I don't believe I have introduced you to my new... friends you might say."

She summoned her friends to her side, which turned out to be three winged unicorns whom they had never seen before, but they could tell just by looking at them they were nothing to underestimate.



Svensvenderson: You mean the ones who have yet to fully succeed in anything?



"As for the two of you…" snickered Night Mare "Your hopes of being discovered and rescued are very slim. For this chamber is hidden in the very last place that anyone would dare to look."



DiStort: Mykan’s basement?

Svensvenderson: That’s where Mykan lives. His parents basement.

Anon13: That actually makes sense. That is, after all, the last place any intelligent female would willingly set foot, which means the Elements will never find her.



Then she turned and began to walk away, "Come my friends, we have a world to conquer." Her sinister laugh echoed throughout the chamber as and her new friends left.



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “I’ll be back, I have an Unholy Marty Stu Emperor God that seriously needs deposing. In the meantime, Here’s someone to keep you company as well.” *teleports in Wild Trotter before she and the three other alicorns left.*

Luna: “This piece of fanfiction blasphemy will bring all of us great pain, is it not?”

Wild Trotter: *to Luna, sighing and hugging her* “It’s been hurting me since the whole Equestria reveal.”

Drizzel: Join the club Luna.



Luna was very angry and continuously struggled to try and break free. "I will not… let… this… happen!"



Chaossorcerer: Luna: I will spank that manchild for turning me into a damsel in distress, after already getting rid of the Woobie status!



she growled, but she wasn't able to break free, nor her sister. Celestia was very worried, not just for herself and her sister, but more for Equestria.

…

Back in Unicornicopia, three rainbow stones had been obtained, and only one was left, but The Grand Ruler had sent Lightning a letter saying that he was unable to locate it, but he would continue to search. "Stay strong, my student…and keep on believing."



Disco: Don’t stop believin’~

Svensvenderson: And it abruptly cuts to black. THE END, for buck’s sake!



Lightning sighed heavily as he sipped his milkshake. It had been very boring lately;



DiStort: Nah, someone already made the CDI Zelda joke.



Krysta had gone to visit her people in the Valley of Fairies.



Wild Trotter: Krysta: *feeling her butt cheeks grow as well as her boobs* Ah, shit! First my boobs, now my ass cheeks, too!?” *sighs in exasperation* “I give up!”



None of his friends needed much help with their jobs that day, and there hadn't been a single monster attack since the fall of Titan's minions. Of course that meant all was well and safe.

He decided maybe to just go for a walk,



Svensvenderson: He felt better.



but as he grabbed his milkshake and turned to head off, he ran right into Starla and they both ended up spilling their milkshakes all over each other.

"Oh, I'm sorry." They both said at the same time. "No, I'm sorry." they did it again. Then they paused and tried to wait, but they ended up saying "I'll buy you another one." At the same time too. They shared a soft giggle, and both paid for two extra milkshakes, and they both went for a walk together.

"So…" Lightning said.

"So, what…?" asked Starla.



Disco: This dialogue is exploding with fiery passion!

Drizzel and Pinkamena: EW.



Lightning tried to be as careful as he could,



Svensvenderson: “I’d like to buck you, I MEAN...”



"How are things at the observatory?"

They had a nice chat, and Starla explained she was a little worried. She had been gazing at the stars at night lately, and she feared they were trying to warn of something coming "Something really dreadful!"



Chaossorcerer: MLU 2: The Gary Stues Strike Back



"Are you sure about this…?" he asked. Starla admitted she wasn't entirely sure. There had been a few occasions when her calculations were incorrect,



Anon13: Like when she calculated the odds of this fic not sucking.



but she was right about Titan returning, and she was right several other times too.



DiStort: Name three.

Disco: Well, how about that time when...um...No. Hmm...



"Don't worry…" said Lightning "If something does come, I just know we can see it through. Think about it, we've faced so many things already. If anything comes our way, well ready with a bang!"



Anon13: Freudian slip?



That's when a distant explosion was heard and felt, even from in the city. Starla leapt into Lightning's front limbs with a yelp.



Disco: They promptly fell on their faces.



Smoke was coming from the direction of Greenland.



Disco: *Facehoofs* Mykan, are you that unimaginative that you need to rip off

real world events?

Svensvenderson: You know, I really want to see Rhymey find something that rhymes with Eyjafjallajökull, just to see his head explode.

GelidEnmity: He could always cheat and use a line from Dohvakiin’s song. “Vokul”.



Nobody panicked as it was just Brain. He had been working on one of his newest and most desperate secret projects of them all for a while now,



Svensvenderson: The Manehatten Project.



and every now and then a small explosion came from his house, but it was nothing to fret over. Just another one of his tests that he would remark…

"Unsatisfactory… Most unsatisfactory…!"



Wild Trotter: Redundant. Most redundant.



"That must be the twelfth time he's done that." groaned Lightning. Then he realized he was still holding Starla in his limbs. So did Starla… They both blushed madly, and he put her down gracefully and they both shared another giggle.

Lightning's mind was racing in circles.



Anon13: Fortunately it was small enough and his head empty enough that it wouldn’t run into anything.



If Krysta were there she'd be nagging at him to



Wild Trotter: Stop staring at her now over-inflated hourglass figure, it was far beyond embarrassing.

Drizzel: And pretty creepy.



ask Starla to be his mare-friend, but was this the right time to ask her? "Um… Starla…" he suddenly found himself asked.

"Hmm…?"

"I… I wanted to ask you something really important."

Starla felt her cheeks turning red again. "What…? What is it?"



DiStort: “If this is about the severed head, I already know.”

Disco: “I want to leave this fanfic. Will you come with me?”



They were soon gazing into each other's eyes, and this time instead of turning away, they found their faces slowly move towards one another's, getting closer, and closer, their eyes softly closed, their lips were about to touch, when the ground suddenly began to rumble. "What…?" they both exclaimed.



Svensvenderson: “Did the earth move for you too?”

Anon13: (rimshot)



Something told them this wasn't Brain's doing as the ground continued to rumble and quake "What's happening?" cried Starla.

"I don't know, but I don't like it!" said Lightning.



Disco: A common reaction to this story.



That's when Serpent-Tyrant's



Pinkamena: Serpent-Tyrant. Really?

Drizzel: I know, right?



serpent soldiers burst through the ground armed with axes, swords, maces, and shields.



Wild Trotter: The serpent soldiers parachuting downwards from the sky, however, were toting machine guns, shotguns, grenades, and rocket launchers.



The alarms went off at once as more soldiers burst from the ground and all the unicorns began to run for the nearest shelter.

"How did they get in here?" asked Starla.

Lightning didn't know, but he was ready to show them out for running their moment! "Let's get them!" and they began to brawl!

Buddy Rose and Artie came running round the bend,



Svensvenderson: They aren’t the only ones who have gone around the bend.



and they were surprised! "Serpent Soldiers…?"

"In the kingdom…?"



Disco: It’s more likely than you think!



They soon joined the fight along with others, who were good at fighting,



Svensvenderson: And one or two who thought they were good at fighting, but they died quickly. Such is life.



but things got way worse as Serpent Tyrant entered the city from a portal in the skies. "Look out!" cried Lightning. Everyone scattered before they were crushed.

Serpent-Tyrant roared loudly…!



Chaossorcerer: Serpent Tyrant: I am going Godzilla on your asses, bitches!



…

Grand Ruler could feel the tremors even in his floating castle. He knew this meant trouble so severe that he would have to investigate himself. So he headed off leaving his guards to stand watch over the palace.



Svensvenderson: So GR finally does something useful?

GelidEnmity: No, he left to go ask his aunt to do it.



…

Lightning and friends gazed sharply at Serpent. "How did you get here?" snarled Lightning. "And why are you here."

Serpent didn't answer at first and merely gazed around. "So… this is the realm that my son had failed to conquer is it?" he sniggered "Very insulting…!"



Wild Trotter: “Why didn’t that idiot just blow up this realm earlier, instead? Oh, the plot said so...damn!”



The gang was confused. "Son…?" The only person they knew who ever tried to attack their kingdom before was Titan and his minions, and since the minions were created by Titan himself, but that only meant, "Are you…? Could you possibly be…?" asked Lightning.

"Yes…!" hissed Serpent "I am what remains of Titan's father. Titan was my son." And he began to explain it all…



DiStort: WOW! AND THAT’S... absolutely meaningless. Why’d we bring this up, exactly?

Disco: Pointless Exposition Sequence, GO!

Wild Trotter: *drinks a little more absinthe* Now I’m ready.



…

He, Lord Tyrant, was a proud and loyal member of the Dimension of Evil, before it became the Dimension of Darkness.



Svensvenderson: Detroit?



He used to be a tall and strong evil humanoid and used to be a great potions master.



Disco: So he’s Snape?



He made positions that could turn anyone into anything, and anything into something other than what it was.



Wild Trotter: For instance, a potion that gives fairies dumb enough to drink them inflatable boobs and rumps, as Krysta made the big mistake of finding out.

Svensvenderson: I think the only position he could do is sticking his head up his ass.



His son, Titan- he had always despised him for his constant failures to master magic, and treated him harshly as he deserved in hopes of toughening him up. He never once dreamed that Titan would become so powerful that he would turn against his own father.

Titan had destroyed the entire dimension, reducing it to ruin and darkness, and killing almost every last inhabitant. Only Tyrant had survived, but was mortally injured and with his life fading fast, but there was still hope for him. Using the last of his strength, he managed to mix one final potion using the essence of reptiles and swamp creatures, which changed him into the serpent-like monster he now was, and allowed him to escape.

He would always then be known as Serpent-Tyrant.

…

"This wretched, disgusting form you now see me as. How I despise it!" growled Serpent. "But there was still hope for me."

His forehead began to glow. "What's that…?" asked Buddy Rose.

"Look…!" cried Artie.

There, on Serpent's forehead was the fourth and final rainbow stone with the colors blue and indigo. "So, he had it all this time?" asked Starla.



Svensvenderson: No, he only had it when Mykan couldn’t think of another place to put it.



Serpent explained that after his escape from the Dimension of Darkness, and from his son's wrath! He found the rainbow stone which, like the gang, enabled him to increase his powers and become larger and stronger to his own desire.



Disco: The effects lasted longer than four hours, and he had to consult a physician soon afterwards.



He never felt such power before, and returned to challenge his son for destroying their home world and killing all their people, but even with the power of the stone and all that he had gained from it, Titan was still far too much for Serpent to handle… and he was turned to stone at the hands of his son, and remained so for over one thousand years.



Wild Trotter: So Titan is to Nightmare Moon as Serpent-Tyrant is to Discord? Yeah... I got nothing, people.

Disco: Thinly-Veiled Plagiarism Is Magic!

Isphone: This Skooma is awesome! I’ve had, like, a crate of it.



"When all of you destroyed my son, you also destroyed the curse that had long since kept me contained!"



Svensvenderson: How bucking convenient.



The gang was freaked out by all of this. "And you've been searching for the rainbow stones, so you could gain more power and become unstoppable." snapped Lightning, but to Serpent shook his head, "No."

"Titan may be gone, but the Dimension of Evil is in ruin. The only thing I truly seek is to restore myself to my original state, and bring back my home world to its former glory, then revive every last one of my people who suffered the wrath of Titan. The rainbow stones, combined with my magic will make all that possible."



Chaossorcerer: Doesn’t that mean he is basically a "good" guy, seeing how he just wants to bring back his own people?



The others understood it all now and there was no way they could let him do that. If he restored the Dimension of Darkness t its former glory, he'd revive every last evil being that ever lived there, and if that happened… the entire Dimensional Universe would be at great risk form so many demons and monsters and who knew how much worse? They wouldn't stand a chance.



Wild Trotter: And most unfortunately for the Unicornicopians, the rest of said dimensional universe will be cheering for the destruction of the Grand Ruler’s regime of eternal blandness, with a few other dimensions lending a hand here and there.

Disco: Where do I enlist?



"You'll never do that!" shouted Lightning "Evil never triumphs!"



Disco:...Actually, it does. Frequently.

Wild Trotter: Serpent-Tyrant: *to Lightning* “Then how many readers are siding with you, dumbass?”



Serpent laughed, "We shall see…" and with a loud roar, he began to dash forth making a trail of destruction through the road and the sidewalks.



Chaossorcerer: I so imagine the monster form Tremors right now.



The gang flew straight up to dodge him. "We have to get him out of the city!" cried Starla "Who knows how much destruction he could cause.

"Follow me…!" cried Artie and the others began to fly after him and Serpent began to give chase, tearing up the roads and destroying many trees and unshielded obstacles in his way. Along the way, Rhymey and the twins joined up with the gang.

Serpent stopped in the open fields. "So, you're all together now?" he hissed. "Makes it all the more easier for me to get rid of you in one easy swoop. Then the rainbow stones you have shall belong to me."



Wild Trotter: Serpent-Tyrant: “In other words: I’M A FIRIN’ MY LAZAH!!!” *Annihilates the alicorn team with a big-ass mouth laser*

Disco: We couldn’t possibly be that lucky.



The gang all landed and Lightning stood at the head of the team. "You should've quit while you were ahead." he snarled "Now we'll show you just how strong and powerful we are. Ready guys?"

The others all stood ready, weapons and all.



Svensvenderson: And were promptly curbstomped.

Drizzel: THE END



…

Meanwhile, in Equestria…

The evil Night Mare Moon and her new friends wasted no time using their magic to blow up and destroy the kingdom. Houses were on fire, towers were toppled over, and ponies running in panic.



Chaossorcerer: Roseluck: The horror, the horror!

Pinkamena: Always overreacting, that one.



Why, even Rarity's salon was crushed.



DiStort: And that’s terrible. No, seriously! It is!

Disco: Those bastards.



"Oh… my…! The horrors!" she cried as she nearly fainted in sadness.



Wild Trotter: Rarity: *seeing the destroyed areas being repaired magically a few seconds later, including her salon* “Oh, Nevermind, then.”



Twilight and her friends were still safe, but were unable to find Princess Celestia or Luna, and felt helpless to stop these demons.



Wild Trotter: Twilight Sparkle: “Getting as sick of this story as we are, huh?”

Cacodemon: “Hey, I was in it to raid Unicornicopia, not Equestria.”

Twilight Sparkle: “Oh... Well, carry on then.” *the cacodemon leaves, joining the rest of the monsters in repairing the damages the story made them do.*



Soon, they were confronted by Night Mare herself and Titan's minions. They tried their very best but nothing seemed to work on them. "If only we had the Elements of Harmony." cried Pinkie Pie, but there was no way they could get to them without Celestia's help.



Wild Trotter: Mysterious: “If you like to leave a message for Celestia, I’ll be sure that she gets it.”

Twilight Sparkle: “How’s the therapy going?”

Dementia: “A little slow, but Luna and Wild are helping out.”

Rarity: “Really, now? This Celesto must’ve had some serious charming ability despite his overall blandness.”

Pinkie Pie: “And I thought that one cult of yours in that one fanfic was nuts.”

Nightmare Moon: *groans* “This fanfic is making me wish I was in Past Sins again. Even then, I really don’t want to talk about it.” *swigs orange vodka*

Pinkie Pie: “Nightmare Moon has a drinky-winky problem now?”

Nightmare Moon: “You’d be drinking, too, if you’re in a fanfic this bad.”

Chaossorcerer: Pinkie Pie: I was in Cupcakes, you know?

Anon13: Hey, serial killers are interesting and their stories engaging. This, not so much.

Pinkamena: As reward for saying that, I will kill you last.

Drizzel: (sigh) Why do you have to play with them like that?





They were hopelessly cornered

Rep-Stallion gazed at Fluttershy and how scared she seemed.



Wild Trotter: Rep-Stallion: *groans* “Oh, really? Hold on.” *walks over to Fluttershy, clearing throat* “Zuul, motherbucker, zuul. Okay, I’m heading on back to bed. Death can have his scythe back once this story’s done.”



He couldn't resist it and let out a simple little "Boo." As expected, Fluttershy screamed in a cry of horror and she ran to hide behind all her friends, trembling like a frightened mouse.

The minions really hoped to show off their new power learned, but Night Mare wouldn't let them. "Now, now…! Let's not be too hasty." she said "After all… they will make fine slaves."

"Slaves…? Us…?" cried Spike.

"In your dreams,



Disco: And your fanart!



Night Mare!" snarled Twilight "We won't ever bow down to you!"

Night Mare simply sniggered "You foal! The choice is not yours…!" her eyes began to glow and Twilight felt herself being lifted up high. "Whoa…!" she cried.

"TWILIGHT…!" the others shouted.

Twilight tried as hard as she could, "It's no use… she's too strong… I can't break free!" Night Mare had mastered psychokinetic abilities while she had been away, combined with her shape shifting and powers of darkness, she was one powerful mare.



Wild Trotter: Twilight Sparkle: *feeling herself hugged up against Nightmare Moon’s body* “Whoa! What are you do-” *blushes, softly cooing from the gentle hug*

Nightmare Moon: *purring* “Ooooh, you have no idea how relieved I am to see you again. This fanfic...” *sniffles* “This fanfic will be...the end of us all.” *sobbing silently*

Applejack: “Dang!” *turns to a drunk Wild Trotter* “It’s that bad, ain’t it?”

Wild Trotter: “At least it’s almost over, if that helps any.”

Rainbow Dash: “Thank Celestia, maybe the other riffers would like to make an alternate ending that this story 200% deserves.”

Pinkie Pie: “Oh, oh. Don’t forget the “We survived a bad fanfic” party after we make it through this...thingy! *shudders*

Drizzel: *panicking* Where’s Fluttershy?!

Anon13: She's here, she's just catatonic.



Night Mare was enjoying seeing Twilight suffer. She gazed at the others, "Now you have a choice." she snarled, "Either you serve me… or you can suffer a fate far worse than your friend!" Her power seemed to intensify, and Twilight began to moan and groan in pain as she felt she was being squeezed in a vice.

"ALL RIGHT…!" shouted Spike "I'll serve you. Just leave Twilight alone."



DiStort: Spike, no offense, but I don’t think your word has a lot of sway here.



The others reluctantly were forced to agree, and Night Mare let Twilight go. "Are you okay…?" asked Rainbow Dash. "I think so…!" Twilight said while coughing and hacking trying to catch her breath, but suddenly Night Mare used her powers to bind them all together with chains and manacles. Special ones that preventing any of them from flying, or using any magic.



Wild Trotter: Rainbow Dash: *sighs, hugging Nightmare Moon* “Man, this story blows!”

Nightmare Moon: *nuzzling each of the Mane Six as she held them tightly, still a little teary-eyed* “At least...there are four more...chapters of this monstrosity.”

Dementia: “Cripes, I need a drink, too.”

Pinkie Pie: “We wanna full round of that.”



Soon, all of Equestria was enslaved, and Nightmare even redesigned Canterlot Castle into a horrifying fortress for herself, and her new friends. "I, Queen Night Mare Moon, hereby declare this the land of Nightmarica!"



Chaossorcerer: Nightmarica, Nightmarica, god shed his grace on thee...

Disco: My, how wonderfully bland.

DiStort: Well, it’s still a better name than Unicornicopia.

Crazy56U: (facepalms after hearing that name again) … … ...who has the weed?

Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: *sighs* “Dammit, author!”

Wild Trotter: “We get the feeling.”



she announced "May the horrors and fear strive forever!" She and the minions', their evil laughs echoed all across the land where all the ponies and creatures were helplessly marching and being forced into labor.

All hope seemed lost for the kingdom now, if one tiny creature hadn't gotten away.



Svensvenderson: Tom shall save us!



It was a fairy who had witnessed everything. "I must inform Queen Krysta." She said and then she vanished through a portal.

With Equestria enslaved, and Serpent Tyrant ready to face Lightning and his friends… the great struggle had no officially begun!



Disco: Yes, it was just as illegitimate as the rest of this travesty.



To Be Continued…!



RingmasterJ5: Only four chapters left!

Disco: “Only” four?! *Weeps*

Drizzel: It never ends! (sobs)

Pinkamina: There there.

DiStort: (Crashes through the wall in the Thunder Megazord) Found the bottle of Scrumpy! Who’s ready to get tanked like a Demoman?!

Wild Trotter: I am!

Crazy56U: God damn it, stop mentioning alcohol around me! I’m still recovering from part one!



EPISODE TWENTY-TWO

(Part Two)

Night Mare had all her new subjects working hard to build her new empire from the ruins of Equestria.



Isphone: Oh noes. You fictionally destroyed my fictional paradise. I will proceed to be fictionally mad.

Wild Trotter: Said subjects did business as usual whilst Nightmare Moon was trying her hardest to get Celestia back to normal. The demons who repaired Equestria went about keeping the Unicornicopians still loyal to the Grand Ruler out.



The ponies and even other animals were forced to march, push and pull boulders and stones.



Wild Trotter: The ponies began building a large statue of the “Grand Ruler” to burn in effigy, with the other animals joining in.



It was very hard and painful, especially without magic.



DiStort: From a dictator’s perspective, wouldn’t it be more efficient to let everypony except Twilight keep their magic for the sake of moving stuff?

Chaossorcerer: You forget, we talk here about Mykan.

Anon13: a/k/a Captain Girl-Issues.



Night Mare only let them rest or eat when she chose.



Wild Trotter: In that case, she refused to enforce such a rule to spite the author.

Drizzel: Thats what you call "rage against the creator".

Anon13: I loved their single "Proofreading in the name of"!



Twilight and friends were forced to being her castle servants.





DiStort: Is this gonna turn into “Nightmares Don't Last Forever”? Cause I actually like that story.


They were charged with cleaning the entire fortress and tending to Night Mare and her friends' every need.



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “No need to worry about the cleaning, you six. We’re ignoring what the “story” tells us to do from here on out.”

Rainbow Dash: “That’s good, now where’s Celestia?”

Nightmare Moon: “You have full permission to meet her. If you ask me, we definitely need a bit of recovery before we dare ride out through anymore badfics for a while.”

Twilight Sparkle: *hugging Nightmare Moon*

Nightmare Moon: “Thanks...but I think Celestia would like one, too.”

Twilight Sparkle: “She’ll get one, too. Where’s Wild, by the way?”

Nightmare Moon: “He’s with Celestia, helping Luna with her therapy.”

Applejack: “Dang, that must be some mighty brutal mind-warpin’ she went through. That’s worse than the one time Discord...well, ya’ know.”

Nightmare Moon: “He’s in this story, too, I’m afraid. ...He’s not exactly happy to be in this story, either.”

Applejack: “Horse-feathers... We’re in a real heap ‘o trouble now.”



Rarity constantly was whining about how ugly she looked, dressed in rags, covered with soot, and chained to an iron ball. "Eww… there's dust in mane." she cried.



Chaossorcerer: Is she weaponizing her whining again?



Applejack was very annoyed as she passed by with another heavy crate of apples "You got the easy bit!" she growled "I like cookin' but this is worse than findin' a worm in your apple."



Svensvenderson: No, what’s worse is finding half a worm in your apple.



"SILENCE…!" shouted Night Mare. Her eyes glowed and Applejack and Rarity were being shocked by their chains and manacles with powerful magic. "Servants are to be seen… and NOT HEARD!"



DiStort: “Unless they’re the kind of servants who sing, but they’re too expensive.”

Svensvenderson: But, these servants are part of the herd!



Night Mare shouted. "Get back to work!"



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “Ignore the so-called “plot”, everypony.”

Applejack: “Will do.”

Rarity: *seen doing makeup and her hair with Dementia, then singing out* “I already aaaaaaaam~”

Drizzel: Sniper rifle...grenades...alright were armed! Ready Diane?

Pinkamena: Yeah remember; aim for the eyes...



Then she summoned Pinkie Pie to sing for her, and Rainbow Dash to perform tricks for her as entertainment. Poor Pinkie was on the verge of tears and Rainbow felt her anger spiking,



Disco: They’ve obviously read the fanfic.



but there was nothing she could do without her wings and magic.



Wild Trotter: Pinkie instead began singing a song on why the fanfic, as a whole, sucks major horse apples. Rainbow Dash began joining in on riffing the author’s other fanfics with a few special visitors.

Chaossorcerer: Pinkie could still break the fourth wall and get the author in the fanfic, so that Applejack can give him a good bucking.



Twilight, Spike, and Fluttershy were busy washing the windows and whispered to one another how much they hated this.



Disco: That’s right. Instead of killing the only things capable of stopping you, force them to do household chores.



"If only I knew where she was keeping princess we could get the elements of harmony." whispered Twilight.



Svensvenderson: Does Celestia keep the Elements of Harmony in a back pocket or something?



"There's no chance." Whispered Spike "We wouldn't know where to start looking."



Wild Trotter: Twilight Sparkle: “Yeah, we’re not playing this story’s game.”

Spike: “When will we see the princesses again?”

Rep-Stallion: “Soon, the current session’s just about finished up.”

Fluttershy: “Oh, how I miss her so...”

Mysterious: “After this, we need a vacation.”



Fluttershy said nothing, but secretly thought of Rhymey



DiStort: I’ve got five more garages with five more Megazords. GIVE ME A REASON.

Svensvenderson: Let me ride shot gun, please!

DiStort: Make a request for a specific one and I’ll let you DRIVE the damn thing.

Svensvenderson: Do you have the S.W.A.T. Megazord? Death by the biggest of the BFGs is the only fitting way to dispose of Rhymey.

DiStort: I’ll have it on your doorstep in thirty minutes. It’s like pizza, except with giant robots.

Drizzel: (pumping a shotgun) Try not to go too far.



and his friends, the warriors of Unicornicopia, and wished they could hear their calls for help.



Wild Trotter: Instead, Fluttershy refused to call out for help, since she’s still rightfully angry at this story.



…

While in Unicornicopia… Serpent Tyrant dashed forth, and the gang scattered out of his way. Starla and Rhymey tried their attacks for a test…

"STAR SHOWER…!"

"DRILL QUILL…!"

As expected, they had hardly any effect at all.



DiStort: You can just taste the failure in the air.

Disco: It tastes like Scootaloo.



Serpent just chuckled "My turn…!" he roared as the rainbow stone in his forehead began to glow "PLASMA VAPOUR!"



Wild Trotter: And then the Unicornicopian phonies were reduced to bone, the end.



Everyone dodged as the powerful energy zoomed right past them, leaving such a trail of destruction. The blast kept going and crashed right into a building that was shielded with a force field



DiStort: By the way, there’s force fields now.



so not too much damage was done, but the poor sheltered unicorns inside were shaken about and frightened. The shield itself seemed to have taken quite a beating!

"Stay focussed!" shouted Lightning. "We've got to try harder!"

The battle continued, and Dyno and Myte had an idea.



Svensvenderson: This won’t end well.



The waited wand watched as Serpent's mouth moved as he roared and screeched. Then they fed him a taste of their, "BOOM-BOOM ROCKETS!" right through his mouth and into his stomach.

The small explosions ruptured his insides, but Serpent seemed to be more angry than damaged.



Wild Trotter: And then, Serpent-Tyrant began vomiting acid on the unicorns.



"Fools…!" he shouted "Take this!" he raised his huge tail and swung hard knocking the twins up and away from each other.



Wild Trotter: And right into orbit, with the “Home Run” jingle chiming in.

Disco: They’re blasting off agaaain!



"Dyno…!"

"Myte…!"

Serpent laughed maliciously, but the others charged forth like a stampede, and launched many attacks at once and managed to actually put a big scratch on his face. He roared and screeched in pain for a brief moment. "We got him…!"



DiStort: “We got him so hard, the game crashed!”



cried Starla, and others began to cheer, but then they noticed the rainbow stone glowing again, and his wounds seemed to heal instantly.



Wild Trotter: Serpent-Tyrant: *tauntingly* “FOOLED YOU!”

Drizzel: Cheats enabled!

Pinkamina: really?



"Oh, no…!

It can't be so!" cried Rhymey.



DiStort: I just had a thought. If someone were to let Rhymey say the first line of one of his rhymes, but then cover his mouth so he can’t say the second part, would he explode from rhyme build-up?

Disco: It’d make this story at least somewhat entertaining.

Svensvenderson: I’ll get the duct tape.



Even his wounds healed, Serpent was madder than ever and decided to even up the fight. The stone glowed again as he summoned out his, "SERPENT SOLDIERS…!" one

for each gang member to deal with.



Wild Trotter: Read: One...hundred-thousand.



Lightning almost immediately realized why Serpent would summon his minions when he didn't really need them, but before he could warn his friends…



Wild Trotter: He and his friends were riddled with bullets and buckshot whilst the grenades and rockets finished off their remains. The end.

GelidEnmity: You too, WT!? Stay away from my thing!



"Let's get them!" shouted Buddy Rose, and the others began to charge at the monsters. "No wait…!" cried Lightning, but his friends were already fighting. Lightning also had a monster of his own to tend with, but rather than attack it, he just kept rolling, and dodging out of its way, but the others were already using a lot for their powers and strength, much to Serpent's amusement and his plan… to let them tire themselves out so they'd have nothing left to fight him, but Lightning wasn't about to let this happen.



DiStort: Because Lightning is SO Celestia Damn brilliant, isn’t he.



"It's risky but I've got to do it" he said to himself, and he summoned the rainbow rod, and told the others to quickly gather all the soldiers into one place. It wasn't easy, but they managed to do it. "Do it, Lightning!" cried Artie!

Lightning powered the rod, recited the chant, and unleashed the "RAINBOW FORCE…!" Wiping out all the serpents at once, but he felt a little tired after which.



Wild Trotter: In place of the serpent soldiers, a few shamblers fried the unicorns with their lightning blasts.

Svensvenderson: Aw, is poor little Mary Sue tired?



"Lightning…!" Starla cried as she ran over to help him up "Are you okay…?"



Pinkamina: Define “okay”.



"I'll be fine!" panted Lightning as he stood. "Let's go!"

They dashed over to join the others, and Serpent hissed, "My patience is wearing thin.



Disco: The readers’ ran out several chapters ago.



I give you this last chance- Hand over the rainbow stones you possess!"

"Never…!" shouted Lightning "If anything, you should hand over the one you have and make it easier on yourself."

Serpent roared angrily and began to charge again. "PLASMA VAPOUR!" he shouted, as the stone in his head glowed and he launched another wave of energy. The others scattered around, but poor Starla was barely able to get all the way aside as she felt one of her hind legs getting hurt by the burning of being so close to the blast. "Ow…! Ah…!" she groaned as the trail sped past her and blew up a set of trees.

Poor Starla fell to the ground shaking in pain, "My… my leg!" she cried softly, and she did look hurt.



Disco: Must...resist...arrow...knee...joke!

Chaossorcerer: Crazy, you know what to do when a horse breaks its leg.

Drizzel: I do! (pumps gun)

Pinkamina: I want to do it!

Crazy56U: GIVE ME BACK MY SHOT GUN! (yanks it out of your hands)



One of her boots had been completely burned off, and her leg look badly burnt and bruised.

Lightning felt his anger beginning to spike. "Starla….!" he roared, and then he roared angrily and charged at Serpent feeling the burning rushing through him, "Easy pickings…"



DiStort: DO EET! DO EET! DO EET!



hissed Serpent and he swung his tail and bashed him really, really hard "A'ugh…!"

"LIGHTNING…!" some of the others shouted. Lightning felt as if the moon had fallen on him.



Disco: And suddenly this was a Majora’s Mask crossover.



His mane and tail were all ruffled and tangled, and his armor never had a bigger dent in it. Serpent just laughed, and then gazed at the others. "It was fun while it lasted, but now you see how useless it is to… "Believe" when in fact it is hopeless."



DiStort: And that’s not him mocking them, that’s cold, hard science. (Pulls out a clipboad) If it is one-hundred percent confirmed that a situation is hopeless without any possible factors available to influence the outcome, then believing that the situation will remedy itself in your favor is literally pointless.

Svensvenderson: You’re forgetting this is crappy fanfiction, where believing something will happen just makes it happen.



The others were so upset and worried that they didn't know what to do as if for the first time. Not a single one of their attacks worked. "Now would be a good time to believe in a miracle!" cried Artie.



Disco: Like this story ending?

Chaossorcerer: Quick, pray for a deus ex machina!

Anon13: You don't need prayer for that, we've got a book of coupons.



"Silence!" roared Serpent,



Svensvenderson: Yelling ‘Silence’ seems to be Mykan’s shorthand on how to tell if someone is a villain.



and his loud voice shook the ground. "You, pathetic little fools. You have stood in my way for the last time, and now… the time has come for us to say goodbye… STARTING WITH YOIUR TWO FRIENDS…!" He was ready to blast Starla and Lightning to dust, "NO…!" the others cried,



Svensvenderson: “Yes!” Cried the readers.



but suddenly… Serpent began to feel strange, as if he couldn't move. "What is… happening…!" he growled "My powers… they are getting weak!"



DiStort: (Throws clipboard out the window) Well, never bucking mind, then!

Svensvenderson: I told you.



The rainbow stone in his head began pulsating like crazy, and then it popped right out from his head. "No…! NO…!"



Svensvenderson: Ouch, that must have felt like popping a zit.



Everyone watched as the stone began to float through the air and join with the other four around, "Grand Ruler…!" cried Lightning.

His master smiled and nodded. Then he said "If there is one thing you must never believe, and that is that you are all alone. Help will always come to those who are in need."



Svensvenderson: Or a deus ex machina. Same difference.



He used his magic to charge the rainbow stone, and the three others that he had brought with him, and then the stones gave a power glow and shot rays of light straight at Lightning, Starla… and all their friends…!

All of them felt very strange. "What is this…?" asked Buddy Rose.

"What's going on…?"

I feel so strong!" said Rhymey.

Dyno and Myte felt like they could blow up a mountain themselves, and not with any explosives but just using brute strength. Starla and Lightning both stood up, with their injuries fully healed, and Starla had her boot back. Grand Ruler explained that, just as he had promised, "You all found the rainbow stones.



DiStort: Um, no they didn’t. The last one was Serpent’s, you just jostled it out if his forehead you bloody cheater.



You overcame many hardships and battled countless foes and all because you never gave up hope and continued to believe. Now as promised, their great power will bring you victory. Use it well."

"No…!" growled Serpent "The power is mine…!"



Disco: He’s the Anti-Captain Planet!

Crazy56U: Someone call Ted Turner! Surely he’ll end this dickery!



Even with his powers severely weakened, he still was not willing to let what he had come so close to obtaining slip away now. "I WILL CRUSH YOU ALL…!"

He charged forward ready to crush them all like insects. "Not if I can help it…!" snarled Buddy Rose as he dashed forth and unleashed his biggest and deadliest, "PETAL DANCE…!" and his razor-leafs were now larger and sharper and flew faster than ever. They pelted Serpent from all around and damaged him good!



Anon13: Is it me, or is Mykan starting to sound like a kid describing his favorite Dragonball episode in the middle of a sugar rush?



"Our turn…" said Artie as he held his spear.

"Now he shall learn!" rhymed Rhymey holding his sword up high.

"ART ATTACK SPIN…!"

"THRASH SLASH…!"

They both leapt forth and slashed and bashed at the evil demons, harming him further. The others attacked him as well…

"PULSAR LASER…!"

"SHOCK ROCK WAVE…!"



Disco: PANCAKE TIME! STALAGMITE!

Crazy56U: EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR! EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT! EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!

Drizzel: I AM A MAN (punch)

Crazy56U: (falls over) OW, MY LIVER.



And Lightning stood, glowing and ready for the final blow. He no longer required as much concentration as before and in fact was ready to try something he never thought was possible before. "Serpent Tyrant!" he shouted. "You killed my parents… you've destroyed countless dimensions for your own desires… and you have demonstrated nothing but pure evil… and now… may all you have destroyed be avenged!"



DiStort: If he misses, I’m going to laugh so hard.



His horn and the rainbow rod both glowed and sparkled like crazy. "You can't do this to me…!" shouted Serpent. "I can and I will…!"



Svensvenderson: “Bitch!”



shouted Lightning as he charged rainbow force together, at the same time. The two forces collided into Serpent. The beast roared and screeched endlessly as his body began to vaporize into complete and total nothingness.

Then, he was gone…



Wild Trotter: Meanwhile in the void, Tyrant was excessively pissed at this fanfic, wanting to give the author more than a piece of his mind.



and all was quiet, until Grand Ruler smiled and said "Well done everyone. Serpent-Tyrant is no more. You have all done well."

Lightning and friends bowed to him, "But really…" he said "If you hadn't shown up with the stones… who knows what would've happened."



Svensvenderson: You would have lost had the deus ex machina not bailed your dumb asses out.



"There are times in which even the bravest and strongest warrior will need help from others." Grand Ruler said "Believe in yourself… and believe in others who depend on you,



DiStort: Kamina is rolling in his grave.

Disco: How many things has this fanfic ripped off? I’ve lost track.

Svensvenderson: I think there’s more stuff ripped off than original.

Anon13: Considering who the author is, would you even want original?



as well as those who fight alongside you, and there is nothing you cannot overcome."

Lightning smiled and bowed to his mentor again, but the moment was spoiled when a small portal appeared, and out came Krysta crying "Lightning…! Lightning…!"

Everyone dashed over. "Krysta…? What's wrong…?" asked Lightning.

Krysta took a moment to catch her breath and she explained that there was trouble in Equestria. Grand Ruler's ears twitched and Rhymey blinked once. He was very worried about Fluttershy.

"What is wrong? Tell us now!

How bad is it… just how?"

…

It was worse than bad…



Wild Trotter: Ivory Scroll: “News of the hour! This fanfic has further degraded us Equestrians to make the rip-off Unicornicopians look good! Epic fail!”



The ponies and other creatures were already worked to the bone at the hoof of their evil queen, Night Mare,



Wild Trotter: They riffed the horrid “Daikari-King Mykan Origin Story” to the ground at NMM’s bidding, with the Mare of the Moon herself slapping an “Epic Fail” badge on said origin story as well.



but Night Mare was ready to send her new friends off on their own mission. "The time has come, my friends." she said to them "You have helped me valiantly, and no service shall go unrewarded."

"So your letting us go now…?" asked Rep-Stallion. "Can we go crush the unicorns we've told you about?"

Night Mare nodded.



DiStort: To be enslaved to NMM would suck, but it sounds like actually working for her would be pretty awesome. I bet she gives full benefits and everything.

Wild Trotter: She would, it comes with free therapy sessions to help with horrible fanfics like this.

DiStort: Now there’s a boss who really cares about her organization.

Svensvenderson: Oh, this is going to be good.



"This is going to be so incredible!" cried Dementia. "To think, we'll have two kingdoms under our control."



Wild Trotter: Dementia: “It feels so good to be almost done with this story... How many chapters left?”

Nightmare Moon: “Three more to go, then we make an alternate ending.”

Dementia: “Sounds good to me.”

Twilight Sparkle: “Count me in.”

DiStort: Can it have giant robots? Everything’s better with giant robots, and I’ve got plenty to spare.

Wild Trotter: Oh yeah, there will be giant robots. Even Mecha Pinkie Pie can join in.

Drizzel: That will be fun.



Mysterious sniggered "For so long we have waited for our chance at revenge, and now…" he didn't bother to finish.



Anon13: Oh sure, he doesn’t finish but Mykan slogs on and on. Great.



"Good luck, my friends." Night Mare said as she watched the minions depart.

She really hoped they would succeed and was confident that they would. She never forgot Celesto, and thought she had finished him all those ages ago. "First I took my sister's world, and now…" but the rest of what she had to say was summed up in laughter.

…

Celestia and Luna could hear her from within their secret dungeon under the castle itself. Luna felt ever so depressed and felt that this was all her doing. She created Night Mare



DiStort: Well, that kinda depends on who you ask.

Svensvenderson: If you really want to be anal, Lauren Faust created NMM. Which is why NMM is a bucking awesome villain, and Night Mare isn’t.



, "The fault must lie with me."

"No…! Don't think that." said Celestia "We all were just as surprised by her appearance, and had no way of knowing, and now you're in just as much danger as the rest of us."

Luna couldn't understand how her sister could act so calm at a time like this, Celestia hated to admit it, but she was deathly afraid, and for the first time in a very, very long time too. If only Twilight and her friends knew where they were…

She closed her eyes tightly and prayed for a miracle.

Her prayers were almost immediately answered when a small fairy, Krysta, and several others appeared in the dungeon. "Who are you…?" she asked.



DiStort: “And what the hell is going on with your knockers?”



"Shh…! No time to explain Princess." said Krysta, and she and her warping fairies used their warping spells to weaken the cells holding the two sisters just enough so they could silently slip out. "How can we ever repay you?" asked Luna



DiStort: They say paddling is the gift that keeps on giving.

Svensvenderson: And Krysta would know about “padding”.

DiStort: I said “paddling”, Sven. Not “padding”.

Svensvenderson: I stand by my previous statement.



The fairies gazed at one another and explained of what they wanted the two sisters to do.

…

Twilight and friends were trying to sleep within separate cells in another dungeon. Night Mare was finally merciful enough to give them a rest period, but not a very long one. The cells were cold and dank, and there was hardly any place to sleep, but Twilight and friends were so sore and tired form all their chores, they almost didn't care.

Twilight and Spike shared a cell, and at least they could talk there. Spike had a hard time trying to sleep like the others. Not being a pony he couldn't sleep standing up, and it almost hurt to lie down, especially on that cold and hard stone floor. The chains didn't make it any more comfy.

"Are you okay, Spike?" asked Twilight.

Spike shook his head, "I don't think anyone is okay." he said sadly "I don't think anyone will be okay anytime soon."



DiStort: Don’t worry, Spike. It’ll be over soon enough.

Drizzel:...

Pinkamina: Not like that!



Twilight felt tears coming to her eyes, and she could hardly hold it in. "Oh, Twilight…" cried Spike, "I didn't mean to…"

"No…" Twilight sobbed "It's not that… it's just… I… I… I'm scared, Spike. I'm really scared."



Wild Trotter: Twilight Sparkle: “This fanfic is finding new ways to suck, I know it!”

Spike: “No...kidding.” *hugs Twilight*



"Oh, Twilight…" cried Spike as he moved over to hug her as she cried softly. Who could blame Twilight for feeling like this? She had never felt so helpless in her life. With Night Mare on the throne, she and her friends were powerless to do anything, the entire kingdom was enslaved, and Princess Celestia nowhere to be known. Twilight felt as if she had failed everyone. What kind of apprentice was she to the Princess?

Then, suddenly, they both head a little sound, "Pssst…!" they both looked up and saw a fairy, Krysta, at the cell window.



DiStort: I think the fumes in the dungeon might be getting to them.



She explained, in a very soft tone so she would not be overheard, that the princess and her sister were fine and with them now. "Don't worry… everything will be all right soon. Just have faith and believe."



Isphone: Exactly what are they believing in again? Was it Raptor Jesus?

Disco: The madness called now?

Anon13: The Power of Cheese.



she whispered. Then she vanished out of sight.

Twilight smiled, sniffed, and wiped the tears from her eyes.



Svensvenderson: “Now I know I’m going crazy. I just saw a fairy with huge knockers.”



The princess was safe now, at least that was over, but she and Spike wondered what that fairy meant by everything would be fine soon. Even Princess Celestia was powerless against Night Mare



DiStort: Eh, knowing Celestia, she’s probably just planning another one of her crazy Batman Gambits.

Wild Trotter: Only this time, she’ll be needing Nightmare Moon’s help to get rid of GR’s influence for good. Discord will be joining in on bringing well-deserved destruction down onto Unicornicopia.



or she never would have been captured at all.

Whatever was going to happen, all they could do was wait and stay strong.



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “After this, I’m off for a beach vacation.”

Twilight Sparkle: “Sounds fine with me.”

Spike: “So...what was your beef with Past Sins again?”

Nightmare Moon: “I said I don’t wanna talk about it.” *sighs*



To Be Continued…



RingmasterJ5: Only three chapters left!



EPISODE TWENTY-THREE

(Part Three)



Wild Trotter: Alright everyone, here we go.

Isphone: LLLLLEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

JEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKIIIIIIINNNNNSSSSSS!

Pinkamina: Did he just...?

Drizzel: Isp! You idiot!



In the void of dimensional space, that sinister voice behind the glowing red eyes hissed.



DiStort: Teddy Ruxpin?



"The time has come. Are you ready my friend?"

The shadowy image of whatever Discord was now extended his large wings and claws. "I am…" he said deeply. "The unicorns will finally be no more, as per your desire, my master. At daybreak, I attack!"

He and his master, whoever he was, shared a sinister laugh while gazing at Unicornicopia off in the distance.



Wild Trotter: Voice: “Okay, let’s get this damned thing over with. Do the voodoo that you do so well on Unicornicopia, then I’ll dance on the graves of that...world.”

Discord: “Rain of meteors? Demons aplenty? Giant robots? You and the readers will have it all, that much I guarantee.”

DiStort: I’ve got more giant robots than I know what to do with. Some of em’ are even imported from Japan.

Wild Trotter: Is Mecha Pinkie Pie one of those?

DiStort: Sorry, Pinkie Pie refuses to loan it to me. Probably because I accidentally trashed the prototype.

Svensvenderson: That was a bitchin’ party, though.



…

The gang was at Grand Ruler's palace, eagerly awaiting the arrival of their guests. Princesses Celestia and Luna were on their way with Krysta. A royal red carpet was placed along the way from the portal gate and the guards were standing at the ends.



Wild Trotter: Wild Trotter: *grumbling* “Ah, dammit. Why do I have a feeling that I’ll meet that moron-of-a-ruler in the flesh?”

Luna: “I am not too thrilled to see him, either. Between you and me, I think Nightmare Moon did the right thing.”

Celestia: “Uhm... what are you two talking about?” *Luna and Wild Trotter groaned*

Krysta: *to Wild Trotter* “After this, no matter how it ends, I’ll find whoever did...this to me.” *pointing to her over-inflated hourglass figure*

Wild Trotter: *shrugs* “Well, you have fun with that.”



Cookie Dough had been summoned to the castle and was busy preparing a meal under The Grand Ruler's orders.



Disco: Under pain of death.

Drizzel: Death by chocolate.



The princesses were bound to be famished after being locked up for some time and after their inter-dimensional journey.

Brain requested to be present too.



Svensvenderson: Because he hasn’t done anything important in a while, so it was his turn.



This was a dream come true to be able to meet creatures from another world.



DiStort: I was under the impression that inter-dimensional travel was the norm for these losers. Stop sending me mixed messages.



"I only wish the circumstances were a little more… eh… erm… pleasant, as it were."

…

The moment Krysta explained about the dangers of Equestria,



DiStort: The ponies there are (GASP) almost biologically sensible! AHHHH!



after a short debate it was decide that Krysta was to go back to Equestria and bring the two princesses to Unicornicopia.



Wild Trotter: And Celestia was so close to having her therapy done.



…

"Once they've arrived, we might be able to devise a way to help them." said Buddy Rose.



Svensvenderson: NO PONY wants the type of help you flankhats provide.



"I tell you…" said Artie "From what Krysta said… that Night Mare surely lives up to her name."

Rhymey was easily the most worried, he had only recently just visited Equestria and it all seemed so beautiful and tranquil. He gazed down at the butterfly clip that Fluttershy gave to him.

"Please be alright!

Just hang in tight!" he said in his mind.



Wild Trotter: Oh, meeting Rhymey sounds like soooo much fun! *eyes glowing red with bloodlust*

DiStort: Back off, man. I got dibs on that hoser.

Drizzel: I call the GR.



Lightning came downstairs from seeing The Grand Ruler. "How is his majesty, Amigo?" asked Dyno.

"Is he really that nervous?" asked Myte.

Just the concerned look on Lightning's face answered the question. Grand Ruler was very nervous indeed about Celestia coming, and everyone was told why.



DiStort: Is it because kidnapping laws still exist in Equestria?



"Who could blame him…?" asked Starla.

Celestia was no ordinary unicorn, she wasn't just the ruler of Equestria, but The Grand Ruler's former



Svensvenderson: Stalking victim.



-fiancé as well



DiStort: Sure, GR, keep telling yourself that.



, and he hadn't seen or heard from her in well over a-thousand years, and after all this time, what was to really be expected?



Chaossorcerer: That she has grown up and does not anymore share your interests in Teen Titans?



The portal began to glow, and Krysta and her followers were first to emerge, and that's when the royal musicians sounded their horns, and Krysta thought it not too impolite to announce. "Their royal highnesses…! Princess Celestia and Princess Luna! Rulers of Equestria…!"

The portal glowed again as the two sisters emerged. The gang stared in awe at the sight and mystical grace of the two princesses, especially Celestia, she was just as beautiful as Grand Ruler had described.

The two princesses gracefully walked along the carpet



DiStort: They seem to be taking being abducted from their dimension rather well.



, and each of the guards tipped their lances as they passed as form of greeting.



Wild Trotter: Luna: *whispering to Wild Trotter* “You have my full permission to punch out those...counterfeit alicorns.”

Wild Trotter: “I most appreciate it, your highness.”



Celestia and Luna nodded to each and every one of them as they made their way into the main chamber where Lightning and the gang were waiting. They all bowed to the princesses and Lightning stood proud and said "On behalf of my mentor, The Grand Ruler, and all of us here, your majesties… I welcome you both to Unicornicopia in friendship and honor."



DiStort: Don’t you mean “in believing and honor”?



The princesses bowed. "You will pardon my asking, but where is your leader?" asked Luna.



Wild Trotter: “A friend of mine would like to have a little chat with him.”

Svensvenderson: “And please take me to him.”



The royal fanfare sounded again, and the throne began to slowly spin round, and there he was.



DiStort: Looks like GR’s been watching old Bond movies.

Drizzel: (stroking a cat) I've been expecting you.

Pinkamina: *Facehoof*



Celestia gasped softly. He gazed at her and had a hard time grasping that she was really there. It was now or never. He approached the carpet on all fours, and stopped at the last ten feet. A brief silence followed as he gazed into Celestia's eyes, and she gazed into his. The cape she had made him that he was wearing softly fluttered, just like her long and beautiful mane and tail. "Um… Greetings… Celestia." he finally said.



Disco: Niiice pickup line, Casanova.

Wild Trotter: Riffception!



Celestia's heart began to race for the first time in ages. Tears began to fall from her eyes. "Celesto…?"



DiStort: “That restraining order doesn’t expire for another 2000 years, you know.”



she peeped.



Svensvenderson: OK, there’s a new verb.



Even though this was a royal gathering, and what she was about to do was considered rather improper. "Celesto…! Oh, Celesto!" she dashed right over to him, and he ran to her, both colliding in embrace. "I… thought you were gone forever!" she sobbed, "I thought I would never see you again."



Disco: “I thought I was rid of you! Damn it!”

Chaossorcerer: ♫ I only want you gone... ♫



A single tear rolled down Grand Ruler's cheek, "I have missed you so much." he whispered to her.



Wild Trotter: Wild Trotter: “And now, for something completely different.”

Mane Six: *simultaneously* "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

DiStort: Gas up the DeLorean, guys. We’ve got a temporal disaster to correct.

Svensvenderson: I call shotgun!

Drizzel: Just tie me to the roof!



Lightning smiled, Starla wiped a tear from her eye, and the twins… they were blubbering and hugging each other like the brothers they were. "Ay' Ay' Ay'! It's so beautiful!" they cried.



Chaossorcerer: At least they still say more than “me gusta” and "tacos are so yammy".



Two lost lovers



Svensvenderson: You mean a stalker and his victim.



reunited after being apart for so long.

As for Luna, Grand Ruler approached her, and remembered that it was she who responsible for what she did all those ages ago. He looked rather cross with her, and she bowed her head in shame, but to her surprise. "I welcome you as well, Princess Luna." he said with pride.

Luna looked up and smiled



DiStort: The kind of smile that says “sleep with one eye open, you son of a bitch.”



, and then they both bowed to each other.

…

Soon, they were all seated in the great hall and enjoying the meal Cookie Dough had made. They all thought it was delicious, especially the princesses. Cookie Dough was flattered, but as business continued it became clear what the plan of action was.



DiStort: Trick GR and Lightning into senselessly sacrificing their lives.



The only hope to defeat Night Mare was joining and combine forces.

"The elements of harmony…" Luna explained "They will not be enough to thwart my evil, former self. She has become much stronger as you no doubt are aware."

"And Titan's minions have been backing her up too." Lightning said "And we'd thought we'd seen the last of them."



Wild Trotter: As we were hoping the same for you and your friends, Lightning.



Even still, the elements of harmony combined with the rainbow stones was their only hope, but the elements were still buried deep within Night Mare's castle, and despite becoming stronger she still could not break the spell Celestia used to seal the elements.



Wild Trotter: Nor would she need to. She could simply just channel the very anger of the riffers towards destroying the Grand Ruler. Even if she wanted to use the elements, she didn’t want to use the method of unlocking Celestia did...which would be humiliating to say the least.



However, it decided that Celestia would remain in Unicornicopia for the while. The main concern was to get the elements and free Twilight and friends, for only they could effectively unleash the power.



Wild Trotter: And by then, Twilight and friends would be just as fed-up with this fanfic as Nightmare Moon was.



Luna and a volunteer party would be sent back through the portal. "I know my former self better than any of us, and I do know of the location where the elements are sealed. If you trust me, we will succeed." she said.



Anon13: They are so boned.



The unicorns didn't know what to think,



Anon13: Or how, if this fic is any indication.

Drizzel: The stupid virus from Past Sins must have spread.



but Grand Ruler sealed the deal. "Very well, Princess Luna" he said and he tasked Buddy Rose, Artie, and Rhymey to go with her, to which they were forced to agree.



DiStort: And thus GR’s evil plan is revealed: He’s sending Luna with the worst help he has available in the hopes that she’s killed, leading Celestia, wrought with grief, down the dark path to a relationship with him by comforting her. FIEND.



They would leave at dawn, so everyone would have a chance to rest up. "I just hope they're all doing okay back there." said Arte.

…

The rest period had long since ended and the slaves were forced back to work, but one of the guards came to Night Mare. "Gone…?" she snapped when she was told the princesses were missing from their cells, "Impossible…!"

She ordered her guards to begin searching high and low,



Svensvenderson: The princesses were in middle, and thus safely tucked away.



and decided that her slaves would suffer for this escape. Longer work hours, less breaks, and hardly any rations at all now.



Disco: Their dental plans would be instantly revoked.

Wild Trotter: Or so the author would think. Instead, the longer riffing hours mean that their food would be brought to them, as if the riffing theaters became diners as well.



How much more punishment could Twilight and her friends take.



DiStort: Um... ew?

Wild Trotter: Twilight Sparkle: “I’m being punished for something, I know it. What did I do? I didn’t ask to be in this story!”

Nightmare Moon: *hugs Twilight, sighing* “Makes you wish you were back in Past Sins, doesn’t it?” *beat* “I can’t believe I said that.”

Twilight Sparkle: “I wasn’t too thrilled about that fanfic, either.”





Still, they continued to believe what Krysta said, that soon everything would be fine. They just hoped it wouldn't be much longer. They couldn't wait anymore.



Wild Trotter: The mane six being Nightmare Moon’s bedmates would be much less painful to them than this story is, for certain.



…

As night passed in Unicornicopia, Grand Ruler hadn't been able to sleep very well. He was standing out on the terrace looking over his kingdom below. His heart was all torn up and his mind was going off in many directions. It was wonderful having Celestia back in his life, but would it last?



DiStort: Not if her lawyers had anything to say about it.



What would happen from here on out?

That's he noticed Celestia was standing on another, smaller Terrace below his own.



Svensvenderson: Stop standing on Terrace. He’s a nice guy.



She looked rather sad and confused. He decided to fly down and confront her. She looked up when she heard him touch down. "Something bothers you, Celestia?" he asked.



Disco: “Why am I in this travesty of a fanfic?”



Celestia admitted she was pleased to have seen him again after all this time, but she honestly did not expect all this. He had changed a lot



DiStort: He had somehow managed to become more annoying and less interesting.

Wild Trotter: And he wasn’t all that interesting to begin with.



, and created everything that surrounded them now, but she couldn't even begin to imagine all the hardships and battles he and his subjects had gone through over the ages. These evil forces were like nothing she had ever seen or heard of before.



Svensvenderson: They were much, much lamer.



She was, however, very impressed and touched he forgave Luna for separated them all those ages ago.

"I had to…" he said "From what I had heard, if you can forgive your sister, then so can I.



DiStort: How is that even remotely related to what’s currently going on?



After all, I can understand why she did what she did, and I never would have created this entire world if she hadn't. So in many ways, what she did was wrong and always will be, but it has shown some signs good."

Their hooves touched, and they ended up gazing into each other's eyes. "Those eyes…" he thought "They are so beautiful."

"Those eyes…" she thought "I missed the way they would look upon me like that."



Anon13: “Those eyes...” we thought. “What I wouldn’t give to poke them out with a stick.”



Their faces slowly moved towards one another's, but they stopped before they got any closer. They didn't feel they could do it, or if it was right. Still, they just sat there gazing at the stars. "Don't worry, Celesita. We will save your friends and your world." he promised her that.

"I… believe you." she whispered.



Isphone: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Wild Trotter: Celestia: *thinking “I immediately regret that.”*

Drizzel and Pinkamina: (hug) we don't blame you.

…

The night had passed, and Grand Ruler made his flight to bring the dawn in. Celestia went with him, and she impressed that he remembered what she had taught him. Then they returned to the floating palace to find everyone was already awake.

Buddy Rose, Artie, and Rhymey stood with Luna "Are you ready…?" Grand Ruler asked his subjects. His subjects nodded and stood tall and brave. "Princess Luna…" said Celestia "You are charged with these unicorns' safety. Make sure that nothing serious happens to them."



DiStort: “Flesh wounds are fine, though, especially if they’re well comically timed.”



Luna bowed and understood. "Come along." she said, and the three unicorns followed her to the portal gate. Then they jumped through and were gone, heading back to Equestria, or rather Nightmarica as it was now known.

"There they go…" Lightning said.

"Do you think they'll be alright?" asked Starla.

"I hope so…" said Krysta, only she and Celestia knew how truly dangerous it was back there.



Disco: And yet she didn’t go back to help. WTF, Celestia?



Grand Ruler felt a little frustrated of having to stay behind. He longed to have a confrontation with Night Mare and make her pay for all she had caused for so many! Just once…!

That's when realized and reminded everyone that they had a guest. "Perhaps you would like a tour of the kingdom, Celestia?"



DiStort: Someone fails at prioritizing.

Svensvenderson: GR fails at life.

Anon13: Mykan fails at life.



he asked. Celestia nodded, "Oh, yes! I would like that very much." She had only flown over the kingdom, but hadn't actually seen much of it yet.

Lightning, Starla, and Krysta agreed to take her on a tour. Once again, Grand Ruler had to stay behind for he had his duties to do.

…

Once in Nightmarica, Luna and her followers didn't like the looks of what had obviously gotten way worse since Luna was away. Rhymey hated the sight of the kingdom most of all…

"It's all been destroyed… it all is in ruin.

Surly, this is that Night Mare's doin'!"



Wild Trotter: Or rather, a cardboard facsimile to fool the Unicornicopians.



"I must say…" said Artie "Until now, I never realized how many different kinds of arts I wouldn't like."

Luna reminded the team why they were there. "Follow me, and stay low!" she whispered. Doing as they were told, they follower her along the mountains of rubble, and ruins of what Equestria once was. Every so often, a row of guards would pass by, shadowy black ponies created by Night Mare to serve as her first line of defense, and the team would duck out of the way.

The closer they got to the fortress, the more the guards seemed to pop out, and it was getting harder to duck them. "This is crazy…" snapped Buddy Rose "We need some sort of cover up."



Disco: Like a cardboard box?



Luna agreed and decided to use a little magic. "Don't be frightened." she said, and her horn began to glow as her shadowy mane seemed to expand, enveloping around the team and herself. Then, all was quiet, but the unicorns were confused. All the land around them seemed to be cloaked in a shadowy veil of darkness. "Come along…" Luna said, and the team followed her, directly through a path where the guards would easily see them, but surprisingly they didn't even move or seem to notice them. "We are invisible to them." Luna explained, "We are cloaked under the shadows of my mane and blending in with our surroundings."



Disco: They spent the next several minutes coughing up hairballs.



The others thought this was incredible…

"How great for us.

They can't see us." said Rhymey.



DiStort: YOU CANNOT RHYME A WORD WITH ITSELF YOU CELESTIA-DAMN CHEATER!



He even stood in front of a guard and waved at him, but the guard didn't notice a thing.

"Look!" cried Luna. The fortress was just up ahead. "Let's go…" Artie said calmly "Nice and easy." That's what they thought, but someone was indeed aware of their intrusion!

…

Celestia had a wonderful tour of Unicornicopia,



Disco: Instead of helping the other heroes on a potentially deadly mission.



visiting all the locations, even if they were for a brief moment, and then it was off to Rainbow City. Celestia was impressed, but felt the kingdom was not whole- except for Krysta;



Anon13: Just how big are her boobies?



there weren't any kinds other of creatures, not even any ground-ponies or pegasi, or even a bird in the sky… just winged unicorns all doing their jobs, or playing, and all wearing armor and identical outfits.



Svensvenderson: Conforming is magic!



No one had a cutie-mark either, but rather an identification number, and no one seemed to be using or relying on any magic.

"We Unicornicopians evolve as a warrior-race, your highness."



DiStort: “Or at least that’s what we like to tell everybody.”



Lightning explained "And while we do find time to dance and play and sometimes party, we are not as luxurious as you and the Equestrians."



DiStort: I can’t tell if he’s bragging or complaining.



Celestia could tell that a warrior's life really was difficult. Then again, even she wouldn't like it when she tried to throw a party or a gala and then some evil creature would come and ruin everything.



Anon13: That would be, like, so totally bogus and lame!



To make matters worse, from what she had heard and witnessed, every time the enemy was defeated, a newer, more powerful evil, emerged, and unlike certain foes Celestia had faced, these demons would not be reasoned with and would only continue to destroy and cause havoc.



Svensvenderson: Because NMM and Discord are completely logical beings.



"You will find peace one day." she said "I know you will."

"Begging your pardon…" asked Lightning "But what makes you so sure…?"



DiStort: Because she’s Celestia, and if you feel like sassing a living god, then you can go live on the moon.



Celestia was quiet for a moment, and then explained that if there was one thing Celesto had taught her it was to never lose hope. "Sometimes… believing is all we have, and that is what I admire in him."

She spoke as if her feelings were still true and strong. It was becoming clear that she was still in love with Celesto,



Anon13: Yeeeeeaaahhh... excuse me while I go twitch for a few minutes.



but was it right to still be after all this time? No one could tell.

Suddenly, they heard the sound of unicorns screaming and running in panic. The gang raced round the corner and saw them, Dementia, Rep-Stallion, and Mysterious. "Did you miss us…?"



DiStort: Honestly? Yeah, kinda. You guys may suck as villains, but at least you’re trying.



Rep-Stallion teased.

Lightning and Starla expressions hardened. "You three…!" snapped Celestia.

"Hey…!" snapped Dementia "What's she doing here? I thought she was locked up back in Nightmarica?"



Wild Trotter: Dementia: “Lemme guess, booby fairy got you out. Right?”

Krysta: “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...”

Rep-Stallion: “And we were looking foward to being done with this fanfic. Curse you, Mykan!”



"It makes no difference." hissed Mysterious "Even she has no idea of what she's up against now."

That's when they began to demonstrate what their friend Nightmare had given to them- they began to make duplicates of themselves! "They're multiplying!" cried Krysta.

First there were two of each, then four, then eight. Soon, there were enough copies to cover the entire block, but it was easy to tell who the originals were as all the copies seemed to be darker in color.

The alarms sounded and everyone ran for the nearest shelter as the shields went off.

"Take a good look at us now, Unicorns!" hissed Mysterious. "We have an entire army at our backs. You don't stand a chance this time."



Wild Trotter: Mysterious: “And the readers are not holding back their vitriol towards this story, either.”



Lightning stood, ready for a big fight and suggested that Starla and Krysta take the Princess somewhere safe. "Grand Ruler would never forgive us if anything happened to her." he said.

"No…!" Celestia said as she stepped forward. "I'm not going anywhere! These creatures helped Night Mare enslave my kingdom. I cannot sit by and do nothing about this."



Wild Trotter: Celestia: *thinking “Why do I have that blasted idiot ball latched onto me again?”*



She was a princess, and she knew a thing or two about warfare and fighting, especially when honor and pride were involved. "I will fight with you. Don't try and stop me! Understand?"

The others were reluctant to agree, and the minions and their army thought this was their lucky day. "We get to destroy our enemies and Night Mare's most hated enemy too…" said Dementia "Night Mare will be very pleased."



Wild Trotter: Dementia: *sighs* “Don’t you mean “Nightmare”, you bubblehead!?”



…

In Grand Ruler's palace, one of the guards rushed in to warn him, "Sire… a battle is about to take place. It's Titan's minions, and the princess is down there too!"

Grand Ruler looked worried "Celestia?" he cried "What is she thinking?" He already knew she didn't stand a chance against Titan minions the last time. He just had to go down there. "Stand watch!" he said to all his guards.



Svensvenderson: Celestia forbid you bring backup!



Then he was off.

As he soared through the air he kept on telling himself over and over "I will not let anything happen to her! Never…!"

…

Outside the kingdom, in Dimensional Space, Discord was now hovering directly over Unicornicopia and chuckling sinisterly. He was ready to begin his attack! "Sorry, Unicorns… your time is up!"



Wild Trotter: Discord: “Although your time should’ve been up before you even pulled Equestria into this disasterpiece.”



To Be Continued…!



Disco: ****.



EPISODE TWENTY-FOUR



DiStort: The following chapter takes place between now and the end of my patience.



(Part Four)

The minions and their army dashed forth. "Scatter…!" said Lightning as he and the others leapt out of the way. It was a good thing at least the clones of the minions didn't have an fire power like the original, but there were still so many of them and they were just as strong in brute strength.

Lightning and Starla rammed into the clones and knocked them aside, Celestia stomped her hoof twice and reared on her hind legs which actually frightened more of them, and her horn was as strong and powerful like a sword. She really did know how to fight, just as she promised. Her magic was very helpful too…



DiStort: The whole living god thing doesn’t hurt either.

Svensvenderson: Not to mention the thousand plus years of experience.



As her horn glowed she levitated one clone up and threw it into a gaggle of oncoming clones, bowling them down. "She's pretty good." thought Krysta. She was snapped



GelidEnmity: In half like a frozen dog.



of her distraction when one of the clones almost swiped at her. Luckily her defensive magic helped by pushing them off so they couldn't hit her.

"There's too many of them…!" cried Starla, "We need more help…!"



GelidEnmity: As soon as the words slipped from her mouth, another clone jabbed her in the eye. Now blinded, blood poured from within the socket and onto the coat of said clone. Seventy more clones jumped from the desert that is Mykan’s brain, and gang-raped Starla. Then a nuke dropped and it was THE END.



That's when the ground burst and, Dyno and Myte and had tunneled their way over. "You called…?" Dyno said.



DiStort: They need help, not a racism lawsuit.



"We'll help!" added Myte.

Many unicorns were watched from inside their shelters,



Svensvenderson: Methinks windows does not a safe shelter make.



and though they felt safe, they almost hated having to watch all those monsters fight what few fighters were out there.



DiStort: Which is to say, they hated that no one had the good sense to start placing bets.



Even the princess, their guest, she didn't deserve to be subjected to all this.



Anon13: NEITHER DO WE YOU PUTZ.

GelidEnmity: NEITHER-- Dammit...

Anon13: Sorry GE.



"What are we just sitting here for?" some of them started to say. "We're warriors, and here we are hiding from the battle?"



DiStort: “We are?! I thought that was just something we told everyone to make them leave us alone!”

GelidEnmity: “I thought we were the doughnut-boys!”



Soon, others began to agree, and it was settled. The shields were lowered and the unicorns began to dash outside. "Hey! Who invited them!" snapped Rep-Stallion.



Anon13: You did, when you attacked this close to the end!



"Never mind…!" growled Dementia "Let's get them!"

"Agreed!" said Mysterious and he and others began to conjure more clones. Soon, nearly the whole of town square was full of unicorns fighting the evil ones.



Wild Trotter: Dementia: “Why the hell are we wasting time with making clones when we should be going Hoof of the South Star on their flanks?”

Rep-Stallion: “Come to think of it, why not just blow the bastards up!?”

Mysterious: “We’ll hit Celestia in the process.”

Rep-Stallion and Dementia: “Damn!”

GelidEnmity: “It’s a risk we’re going to have to take. FIRE!!!”



"That evens the odds…" cried Lightning "But we have to find a way to get the real minions! Then maybe these clones will vanish."

Everyone agreed, but such a task was easier said than done. Despite the minions were easily recognizable, they were still hard to spot or get near with all the clones huddling so close together. "Keep trying!" shouted Celestia "We'll find them!"



Wild Trotter: Celestia: “Wait a minute? Didn’t Nyx have that ability as Nightmare Moon?”

Dementia: “Who?”

Rep-Stallion: “Erm...what?” *scratches head*

Mysterious: “Never heard of her.”



…

In Nightmarica, Luna and her team had managed to enter the fortress, still invisible. Luna was strong enough to keep the magic going for a while longer, but she'd have to stop soon. "Which way to do we go now?" asked Buddy Rose.

"Follow me…" said Luna. She figured she'd know every last inch of the fortress as it was pretty much her own thoughts and design when she was fused with Night Mare.



Wild Trotter: Somewhere, Nightmare Moon was screaming and cursing at how many times her name was misspelled, with the Mare in the Moon performing Noctou Lunouken on countless Grand Ruler dummies out of sheer frustration.



"I should know every crack in the stone, and every floor and hallway."



DiStort: “That crack’s named George, and that one’s named Bill...”



"She is really starting to scare me out." Artie whispered to the others.

"Me too, without a doubt." rhymed Rhymey.



DiStort: She’s still trying to fit into modern society you insensitive douchebags.



As they continued forward, Luna began to feel a little tired. "I can't hold the spell up much longer." she said, but that was when it wore off completely.



Svensvenderson: They couldn’t have found a storage closet or something before this happened?



"Princess…!" cried Buddy Rose, he was careful not to speak too loud. Poor Luna was panting softly. "Are you hurt…?" asked Artie.

"I will be fine." she answered "I will need a while to restore my magic. You all will have to guard me."



DiStort: She’s doing this on purpose. She knows how much everyone hates escort missions.



"We'll do our best.

You just rest." said Rhymey.

Luna was still strong enough to guide the team, and the first thing they had to do was get to the chamber where the elements of harmony were, but now that they were no longer invisible, it was harder than ever to get around.

Guards were everywhere! They found themselves ducking and dodging more times than ever to get through safely now. Little did they realize that they were already detected, and being followed by a small stream of shadowy smog that had been perusing them ever since they had entered.



Wild Trotter: Some of said smog trails forming nooses with Artie’s and Rhymey’s names on them.



Suddenly, they could all hear voices, or rather sound of groaning. Rhymey recognized one of them as Fluttershy's voice.



DiStort: She’s groaning because she knows you’re nearby, Rhymey.



He didn't speak but he gazed down through a large hole in the wall,



Svensvenderson: Ew.



and there she was with all her friends in the main throne room, slaving away. All of them were filthy, tired, and in chains with their wings and horns missing.



Wild Trotter: Riffing away at the author’s Teen Titans fanfics whilst the chains only concealed their wings and horns to fool him.



Poor Rarity looked as if she had dusted a chimney with her whole body, and she felt even a-hundred baths wouldn't be able to clean her off now.



Wild Trotter: Rarity: “Confound this piece of fanfiction, it drives me to drink!”



"Oh…!" groaned Applejack. "I almost got the nerve to wish to be executed."

"No… don't say that!" cried Pinkie Pie "We can't let this slavery break our souls."

"And just what do you suggest?" snapped Rainbow Dash "Look at us…! We have no magic, no wings, and even the princess is gone. You hear what the guards said."



Svensvenderson: That RD has a hard time keeping her tenses straight?



Twilight and Spike said nothing, and still refused to mention what they knew for fear of attracting unwanted attention from Night Mare, wherever she was.



Wild Trotter: Applejack: “Dagnabbit, I could use some scrumpy right about now.”

Pinkie Pie: *Sighs* “A snifter or two of Irish Creme, and I’m good.”

Fluttershy: “Nightmare Moon is on a drinking binge as well.”

Twilight Sparkle: “Her name was misspelled how many times?”

DiStort: (Slips Scrumpy bottle through barred window that’s probably there) Try to stick it out a little longer, AJ.



Fluttershy sighed and continued to mop the floor, and then she looked up, and swore she could see someone up there. Someone familiar...! She hoped it was a sign that they'd be rescued soon. That's when the quill Rhymey had given her fell from her mane to the floor, she quickly put it back.

…

Rhymey knew they had to save the ponies and fast. Luckily, the room they needed to get to was just ahead, down a long stretch with guards standing all in a row. "Oh, this it just great." said Artie.

"We can't get past them.

Nor should we blast them." said Rhymey



Wild Trotter: Maybe the guards should blast YOU first, instead.



Luna admitted that even she couldn't figure a way to get past all the guards without making a terrific scene or noise. "We don't need to." Buddy Rose said "Watch this. I've been practicing."

He crept up as close as he could so as not to give himself away, then whispered, "Pollen Spores…!" and softly unleashed a small swarm of tiny spores that put the guards to sleep.



DiStort: Nintendo would like a word with you, Buddy.



They all just dropped their lances and fell like trees.



Svensvenderson: Making a hell of a lot of noise in the process.

GelidEnmity: I didn’t know Fluttershy was a guard!



"Impressive." Luna said.

The others gave Buddy props for that move, and then they proceeded forward and reached the sealed door. "You sure the elements are behind here?" asked Artie.

"Yes…" said Luna. "My evil side may be strong enough to do all this, but it would seem she is still powerless to break this seal and alter this chamber."

"But how can we then?" asked Artie.

"I thought only Celestia's touch,

would undo the seal as such…" added Rhymey

Luna shook her head and explained it had been a long time since she was separated from that of her evil side, and she had done so well to adjust herself to modern times, and learn the ways of friendship and believing.



Wild Trotter: Said believing needing a base, of course.



Her sister, Celestia, taught her how to undo the spell for emergencies. "My sister trusts me, and I wish to honor that trust." Luna said "It is my fault that Night Mare was ever created, and I must do what is right for everyone and help take her down."



Wild Trotter: Luna: *undertone* “Or better yet, help her take those phony unicorns down. She definitely deserves her break from this debacle.”



"Stand back."



Svensvenderson: “I’m going to try science!”



she warned the others as she concentrated hard, and her horn started glowing. She inserted her horn into the keyhole. She struggled and moaned softly



DiStort: O_o

Wild Trotter: Just what we need, more door porn.

Crazy56U: STOP PAINTING MENTAL IMAGES!

GelidEnmity: Rule34, what we don’t got we got.

Pinkamina: Could be worse-

Drizzel: Don't start!



as she seemed to be having trouble. The others felt nervous and hoped she could do it while not giving them away.

Suddenly, the door began to slide open, and there resting on a small pillar was the jewel-encrusted treasure chest. "That's it." cried Luna "The elements are in that chest."

The others all smiled, but as Luna went to take the chest a little bird flew down and landed right on top of it. "Shoo…! Shoo…!" Luna said, but lightning and thunder flashed with the sound of evil laughter, and the bird warped into Night Mare.



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “Surprise, clopbags!” *blasts Rhymey and Arty into oblivion with a metric-ton of lightning*

Luna: “Why didn’t you unlock the door yourself?”

Nightmare Moon: “I’d be clopping fodder if I tried...that. Eww!”



"Surprise-Surprise!" she hissed.



DiStort: Somewhere, a white pegasus with a puffy yellow mane sneezed, twice.



The gang gasped and began back away as the evil demon took the chest. "I've been aware of your little intrusion all this time." she said.

"So why didn't you stop us then?" asked Buddy Rose.



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “The plot said so, you idiot.”



Night Mare snickered wickedly "How else could I have gotten the final key to assure my ultimate victory?" she said. She hinted that since she couldn't get to the elements of harmony, she waited until they did it themselves.

"You will never be able to use them!" snapped Luna "Only those who are pure in heart can even open that chest, or use the elements of harmony… and your heart is pure evil!"



Wild Trotter: Luna: “You missed one.” *using her magic to turn Buddy Rose’s vines against him, making them whip his flanks*

Buddy Rose: “Aaahhhh....yes! Spank me, your highness! I’ve been a bad, bad unicorn.” *Luna facehoofs, vines still whipping Buddy Rose’s flanks*

Nightmare Moon: *tilts her head* “You’re kidding, right? And I thought that door thing looked...” *cringes* “Eww...”

Drizzel: What is this, the kink chapter?!



Night Mare, well aware of this, laughed evilly. "But now that I have the elements, I can rest assured that they will never be used against me ever again."



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “How about using them against you-know-who?”

Luna: “That’s exactly what we intended to do.”



The unicorns were growing annoyed with the sound of her evil voice, and drew out their weapons, and stood ready to fight. So did Luna, but Night Mare laughed again, "Foals…!" and her eyes began to glow, and all four of them were being lifted up by her new psycho-kinesis,



DiStort: NMM is a recent graduate of the Psychonauts.



and she threw them all out the window, and out of the fortress!



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: *Teleports Luna back inside* “There we go.”

Luna: “Thank you.”

Nightmare Moon: “No problem.”



Twilight and friends heard the commotion and gazed outside. "It's Princess Luna." cried Spike, "But… who are they with her?"

Fluttershy gasped when she saw one of them was Rhymey.



DiStort: “Aw, I thought I managed to ditch him.”



Twilight also noticed Night Mare was flying down to face them and she had "The elements of harmony!"

"How in the apple fields did she get them?" asked Applejack.

Down below, the four teammates stood side-by-side as Night Mare narrowed her eyes. "It is time that we settle this little dispute!" she hissed.



Anon13: Many years and several legal motions later, the dispute was resolved just in time for both parties to declare bankruptcy.

Svensvenderson: Financial, moral, and ethical bankruptcy.



"There's no avoiding it!" said Buddy-Rose



Anon13: “Nothing can stop this fic from sucking!”



"Do you think we can take her…?" asked Artie.



Anon13: That would require competence in fighting, Mr. “Warrior Race”.



Luna honestly didn't know, but she had waited for this ever since her evil side returned. "I swear to you, Night Mare!" she growled "If it takes me to beyond my limitations, I will destroy you for everything you've done!"

This only amused Night Mare, "What I have done? I was born out of the jealously and anger you felt towards everyone. We were one in the same, making you just as guilty as me."



Wild Trotter: Nightmare Moon: “Okay, I haven’t exactly done much when I returned.” *facehoofs*

Luna: “And I was only in Season One for only the second episode.”

Nightmare Moon: “Could’ve been worse, though.”

Luna: “What?”

Nightmare Moon: “I would’ve met this Nyx foal in the flesh.”



Luna knew that was right, but she made a promise to make up for everything she had done. "Ready, everyone…?" she asked.



DiStort: Cue the Final Fantasy-esque battle scene transition!

Svensvenderson: Or the Pokemon battle theme.

Drizzel: A wild Nightmare Moon has appeared!



The others nodded, and the battle began; only Rhymey swung his sword at Buddy Rose. "Hey!" snapped Buddy, "What are you doing?"

"Something is wrong, I can tell!

"I think I've been put under a spell!" cried Rhymey, and he was right, it was Night Mare, using her powers to control him. Now Rhymey was being forced to attack his friends



DiStort: Goody! Now we have a free pass to kill him.

Crazy56U: Well, I’d be a little more happy with this prospect... if my shot gun would stop being stupid and- (accidentally drops shot gun) *BANG* ...holy crap, I fixed it! (joyfully picks it up) Now I’m happy!



, while they had to defend themselves but didn't dare to strike Rhymey back!



DiStort: Dammit...



Luna tried to charge at Night Mare, but even while holding her spell on Rhymey, she raised her hoofs and blasted her back with a powerful wave of magic. This battle was going to be harder than they thought.



Wild Trotter: In actuality, Luna was cheering on Nightmare Moon’s use of the pony puppet spell, taking control of Artie in a “two can play at this game” sort of manner, with Buddy Rose still getting whipped by his own vines.



…

In Unicornicopia, the battle with the clones of Titan's minions was still going, and getting worse than ever. One could look down from the sky and see fighting everywhere as well as hearing clashing of weapons or the clattering of crashes.

Grand Ruler finally arrived on the scene, and joined in the fight, and brought some of his other guards with him. "You think this intimidates us?" shouted Rep-Stallion, "Get' em, clones!" and he summoned more of his clones to attack!



Svensvenderson: No, I’m not making an Attack of the Clones riff.



Celestia had never known such an invasion attempt before. "We can't hold out much longer!" she shouted. "Keep going!" shouted Lightning, "We can do it! Just need a little more fire power."

"Agreed…!" said Grand Ruler. "Everyone, use your special attacks!"



Anon13: Contract says those attack animations are in every episode, so by god we’re gonna use ‘em!



Everyone did as they were told, and it seemed to be working.



Svensvenderson: Good thing GR is there. They’d be screwed without his mastery of battle tactics.



The clones were being wiped out fast making it easier to break through. "We need more, clones!" cried Dementia, but the unicorns managed to wipe out the clones faster than the minions could make more, and soon they were confronted by a whole army of unicorns, with Lightning and friends at the front…

But Suddenly…! Loud explosions were heard as the entire kingdom seemed to shake and quiver. Everyone nearly fell over. "What was that…?" asked Grand Ruler.

"Ay' Ay' Ay'! It felt like an explosion!" cried Dyno.

"What have you three done now?" snapped Krysta, but the minions were just as worried and admitted that they had nothing to do with it. "Look…!" cried Mysterious as a giant molten fireball seemed to soar across the sky and crash into the area around Blacktop Mountain. It crashed hard causing another small quake.

Then, they all saw him… a gigantic black dragon, with silver claws, large dark red wings, and an evil face that many didn't recognize, but Celestia and Grand Ruler gasped. "That face!" cried Celestia.

"I can't be!"



DiStort: A halfway interesting character? I agree.

Crazy56U: ...that riff rhymed with Celestia’s line. … (grabs shot gun) …are you Rhymey in disguise? (pumps gun) ...WELL?

DiStort: Please. If I was Rhymey, I would’ve just rhymed “be” with “be” again.

Drizzel: But that’s not how rhyming works...

DiStort: And Rhymey fails at rhyming, so there you go.



added Grand Ruler.

The evil dragon laughed loud and hard. "Ahh…! Celesto… It's been a long time!"

"Sire… you know him?" asked Lightning.

His mentor's eyes and Celestia's narrowed in anger. "Discord…!" It couldn't be anyone else, only now he seemed brand new, larger and stronger and more chaotic than ever. "Why have you come?"



DiStort: Shits and giggles, if I had to guess.

Svensvenderson: With Discord, it’s DEFINITELY shits and giggles.



Grand Ruler demanded to know.

"How did you get here?" added Celestia.

Discord chuckled "Do I really have to explain…?" he asked and he explained



Svensvenderson: Apparently he does.



that he was now a whole new Discord, and his powers and new purpose involved only to destroy and wreak havoc for his own amusement "I must say Celesto. You have a very lovely kingdom. Surely you won't mind if I have some fun…?" He laughed.



Wild Trotter: Discord: “This is only a temporary form, in case you’re wondering. As soon as I’m done with Unicornicopia, I...need a drink.”

Svensvenderson: Might I suggest a nice chocolate milk of glass?



The minions felt outraged. "Who sent you to spoil our fun?" snapped Rep-Stallion "This is our territory."

"Yeah...!" The other two snarled, but Discord glared at them furiously for daring to question his all-new, mighty power. The minions decided to leave the kingdom and their few remaining clones behind. "Well… at least that part of the danger is over." said Brain.

"I say…! He's going to strike again!" cried Abra.



DiStort: Did Brain and Abra just switch brains for a second there?

Wild Trotter: I...guess so.



Discord was heading straight for the mountain, ready to break it to pieces. "Let's all try firing on him at once." Starla suggested.



Svensvenderson: Remember what Egon said about crossing the streams?

Anon13: I do. They should totally do it. Just tell Celestia to duck first.



It was doubtful that it would work, but it was worth a try. Grand Ruler made all the attackers fall in line. "Ready… take aim…! FIRE…!" Everyone fired their best attacks; Lightning used the rainbow force combined with uniforce. Grand Ruler used the uniforce too and Celestia fired her own wave of magic.

The stream of magic and power struck Discord, but didn't seem to affect him at all. He just



Wild Trotter: Shot all that magic right back at them, blowing it all up in their faces, save for Celestia.



laughed at them and mocked "Is that the best you can do? Now I feel insulted. So…" and with his huge claws he began thrashing and crumpling the mountain, sending large boulders flying across the land. "Look out…!" cried Krysta!

Everyone scattered about to avoid the falling rocks from above as Discord continued to wreak the mountain, and then he flew up, up, up, and with a fiery blaze, he completely vaporized it in a huge explosion. The force shook the kingdom, and darkened the skies, and when everyone looked up… they were simply devastated.

"Blacktop Mountain…!" peeped Lightning. "It's… gone…!"

Discord stretched himself out, "That was fun. Now which is next?" Then he just decide to fly around unleash his wrath everywhere he went.



Wild Trotter: With Yellow Hills being the first target on his list.

Svensvenderson: And thank Celestia for that.



The guards, though devastated by what was happened were still doing their best to stave off the remaining clones the minions had left behind, but The Grand Ruler, for the first time ever, was completely overwhelmed by what was happening. He pounded the wall with one of his front hoofs in frustration and just stood like that. Worse than that, this kind of demonic power was a kind he had never seen before, it was so powerful and breaking his kingdom up worse than anything he had seen. There was nothing he could do to restore the damage at this rate, even with his magic.

"Sire…!" cried Lightning "Sire, are you okay?"

His mentor just stood there, hardly moving or blinking his eyes. Celestia tried, but couldn't get a response either. She realized there was only one course of action. "The kingdom is in danger. We have to evacuate everyone."

The unicorns were shocked. "Que…? Leave the kingdom?"



DiStort: “Last one out’s a rotten anthromorph!”



asked Myte. "She's right…" said Lightning, "That demon has the fire power to actually blow this whole world apart, and I don't see much else we can do, but we've got to save everyone."



Wild Trotter: Well, nothing of value would’ve been lost anyhow.



The unicorns began to agree, and Krysta made a plan of action for everyone to head to Grand Ruler's palace and use the portal gateway to escape. "I'll lead everyone to a safe place I know of." she said.

Without a moment to spare, everyone scattered about evacuating the entire kingdom, and all heading to Grand Ruler's palace to escape to safety.



Anon13: So, your big plan is for the entire kingdom to converge on the palace and go through one tiny portal. Yeah, that’ll work.



It was very difficult to get everyone out with Discord constantly wreaking destruction all over. The villages were being crushed and pummeled. Even Lightning's house was completely demolished.

All Grand Ruler did was just stand there in the middle of the crumpling Rainbow City, and gazed in devastation at the chaos and nightmares around him.



Wild Trotter: With Discord giving Grand Ruler the ultimate middle finger by obliterating him with a magical equivalent of a redeemer missile.

Crazy56U: (claps) Joooooy...



The long line up at the palace was getting shorter as more and more unicorns escaped into the portal, and Krysta used her magic to transport them to a safe place… a nearby dimension close to the Valley of Fairies she and her people knew of whenever creatures were in danger and needed shelter. They called is the Safe Dimension.



Svensvenderson: Wow, fairies don’t have much of an imagination, do they?

Drizzel: Only as much as their creator, so, none.

…

The dimension was wide and beautiful with lush meadows and a lake in the center. There was plenty of room for everyone. Several unicorns were hurt, and injured from being hit by the destruction of their homes. Luckily, Dr. Penny and her team were there to help everyone as best they could.

…

When the last unicorn had gone through, only Lightning, his friends, and Celestia were left "Is that all of them?" Krysta asked. They went over their massive checklists; all the villages and towns had been completely evacuated.



Svensvenderson: That’s... disturbingly efficient.



"Okay! I better check back and see how the others are." Krysta said and then she jumped into the portal and was gone.

The unicorns stopped to take one last look outside and could hardly believe what was becoming of their home world. Still, they couldn't stay any longer. They had to go now, but as they went back to the chamber, "Wait…!" hollered Celestia "Where is Celesto?"



Wild Trotter: “Wait, forget him. He’s dead, dead to me.”



"Didn't he come up with us?" asked Starla, but everyone checked around and he was nowhere to be seen. That's when Lightning realized, "He must still be in Rainbow City!"

Everyone gasped and dashed out of the palace like the very lightning that shook the skies, becoming more and more violent from the destruction Discord was causing. Sure enough, they found Grand Ruler still standing in Rainbow City square… just… standing there with a look of extreme heartbreak in his eyes.

"Master!" cried Lightning. "What are you doing? We have to go!" but his mentor just stood where he was, hardly moving or making a sound, or even blinking his eyes. Starla tried approaching him softly, "Your highness… what's wrong?"

Grand Ruler finally explained that his kingdom was ending right before his very eyes. "Everything I worked so hard to make…! Everything I've protected and stood for all these centuries…! Everything I've held dear to me…!" …It's gone."



DiStort: Oh, please. You could probably make something better in like, a week.



Everyone now understood why he was all frozen up. He was losing his confidence as a royal leader. Lightning approached him, and said "That's not true. You haven't lost everything." He pointed out that although the kingdom was doomed; all the unicorns were safe in the Safe Dimension. "And you still have me…



DiStort: Let’s rephrase, then: He lost everything IMPORTANT.



and the rest of us… and Princess Celestia too."

Grand Ruler blinked once, and gazed at Celestia. She smiled at him and blinked twice at him.



Svensvenderson: GR then raised the stakes by blinking three times!

Anon13: The tension. It just builds and builds.



"And you taught us that sometimes things come with a price, but you shouldn't let it get you down." replied Lightning. Celestia and the others nodded in agreement.

With his confidence returning, Grand Ruler admitted "Yes! You're right." He was ready to suck it up and leave, but that's when Discord flew overhead. "Aw… how touching. I think I'm going to cry." he mocked "But I'm afraid the hour has grown too late, and you're all going down with this kingdom!"

He flew higher, and higher. "What is he doing now?" asked Myte. Dyno scaled a lookout tower and looked through the telescope. "Ay'! He is going to attack the palace!"

"THE PALACE?" everyone cried. "But the portal is in there!" cried Lightning.

It was too late, with a huge fiery breath; Discord blasted the palace causing a massive explosion in the skies. The remains of the palace began to fall from above like a burning meteor, right on top of Rainbow City, and the gang, followed by one of the loudest and deadliest crashes ever to be known, crushing the city into a mountain of rubble and destruction!

Discord laughed the loudest and hardest and evilest laugh he had ever laughed. "I did it! I destroyed them!" he shouted for joy "Long… Live… Evil!" he continued to laugh!



Wild Trotter: Discord: “End...this...damned...story...already!”

DiStort: Oh, please. Discord’s not evil, he’s just kind of a dick. No offense, Discord.

Wild Trotter: Discord: “You’re too kind.”

Crazy56U: ...KIND OF a dick?

…

While in Nightmarica, Night Mare was proving to be too much for the others to handle. Rhymey was still battling his comrades, still under Night Mare's control, and still his comrades refused to hit a friend. While Luna just couldn't overpower her evil side and was continuously thrown back, or zapped with extreme magic.

By this point now, Luna, Buddy Rose, and Artie were all thrown together in a corner, and Rhymey was approaching them with his sword at the ready. Night Mare laughed and said, "Now isn't this a pity for you to come so far, only to fail and to perish in vain? As much as I've enjoyed this little… game… the time has come for you to say goodbye, and soon your comrades will follow."

Rhymey tried all he could, but he couldn't seem to break Night Mare's control. "Rhymey, don't do this!" cried Artie.

"I can't… go… through this!" rhymed Rhymey, but he felt himself raising his sword ready for the final strike, and his friends would be no more.



Wild Trotter: Luna: “Almost...done.”

Nightmare Moon: “Will you ever quit mispelling my name, author!?”



To Be Continued…





EPISODE TWENTY-FIVE

(Part Five)

Rhymey's sword was charging up, against his will.



Svensvenderson: When colts and fillies grow to a certain age, ‘things’ start happening.



No matter how hard he tried to resist Night Mare's control, he couldn't stop her.



DiStort: I remember hearing once that mind control only works on stupid people and weak-willed people. Makes you wonder.



"Destroy them! Destroy them now!" she growled.



Anon13: DESTROY THIS ABOMINATION OF A FANFIC!



Buddy Rose, Artie, and Luna saw no other choice, and Buddy Rose rammed hard into Rhymey,



Svensvenderson: *snicker*



knocking him away. "Forgive me, my friend." Buddy said under his breath,



Svensvenderson: We forgive you!



but Rhymey was relieved.

"All warriors must do the right thing,

I'm glad you did it before my sword did swing."

With Night Mare's eye contact broken, Rhymey was out of her spell. "I'm only getting warmed up…" she sniggered and she used her powers to lift everyone up high again, and smash them into one another like bumper balls while she laughed maliciously.



Wild Trotter: Luna, of course, was moved out of the way as the Unicornicopians were getting deservedly trashed.



The poor Equestrian's watched helplessly from the fortress until the guards



Wild Trotter: Began offering the Equestrians popcorn, with Nightmare allowing Luna to join in on telekinetically punting Rhymey like a football.



whipped them and forced them back to slaving. "That's it!" growled Spike "I can't take another minute of this."



Svensvenderson: Spike speaks for all of us.



Twilight couldn't either, and she could tell her friends couldn't either.



DiStort: So they closed their eyes and instantly stopped caring. Out of sight, out of mind.



While cleaning the floor all together, they whispered to one another about a plan that would probably.



Anon13: Be even stupider than what had already been happening.



It was very risky and dangerous to try, but then again… anything was better than being slaves and beaten up anyway.

…

Meanwhile, Discord was still thrashing about and breaking Unicornicopia to bits,



Svensvenderson: Go Discord!



and really felt he had seen the last of Celesto, Celestia, and all their followers…

When in fact, they had survived! They were now in a hollow about twenty feet square under all the rubble of the collapsed Rainbow City. Celestia and Grand Ruler had used their magic to light up the dark and form a protective barrier to keep the rubble from falling on them



DiStort: Oh, right. Like Celestia actually needs that stalker’s help to do either of those things.



, but it wouldn't hold forever, especially with Discord constantly attacking the remains of the kingdom and causing more tremors.

There was no possible way to dig their way to the top, even for Dyno and Myte or they'd bring everything crashing down.



Pinkamina: So it’s a win-win situation.



Even if they managed to escape, the portal gateway went down with the palace, leaving them trapped in there, and Krysta was in the safe dimension, and without the portal to help guide her back, she couldn't' return to help.

Celestia and Grand Ruler didn't dare try to teleport either, or they'd have to dispel the barrier keeping all the rubble above their heads from falling in. It all seemed just hopeless.



Svensvenderson: Oh damn. Pass the Kool Aid!



Starla was sitting by herself in a corner of the hollow. The expression on her face was enough to tell she had nearly given up all hope. Lightning walked over to her, "Starla…? Are you scared?" he asked as he sat next to her. Starla nodded. "Yeah… I am."

"Me too…"



DiStort: Well, that was a riveting conversation.



replied Lightning, and he wrapped his limb and hoof around her comfortingly. She smiled and rested up against him.

Grand Ruler felt terrible. This was his fault



Wild Trotter: The Equestrians were even in this mess in the first place.



they were trapped like this, and after all his years of knowledge of swiftness, he couldn't figure a way out of this. Even if they managed to escape the rubble, how could they possibly leave the dimension before Discord completely destroyed it?

He gazed over at Celestia. "I'm sorry, Celestia…" he said to her.



DiStort: Right now, Celestia’s wishing she had a tape recorder so she could catch that as a confession for GR’s kidnapping and stalking crimes.



"Celesto…?"

"This is all my doing… I've only made things worse, and now I've gotten you involved to. I should have known."



Wild Trotter: Well, “Celesto”, maybe you really shouldn’t have existed in the first place.



Celestia understood how he was feeling, "But don't let it get you down." she said "You're a great warrior, and you've done so much for your people.



DiStort: “Snrrk. Nope, sorry. Couldn’t say that one with a straight face.”

Drizzel: You've been keeping a straight face?!



You had no way of knowing that this would ever happen."

"The princess is right, Sire." said Lightning "Besides, I know we can find a way out of here. When have we ever not made it out of tough spots before?"



Svensvenderson: Anypony want to take bets as to the deus ex machina Mykan picks?



The others agreed and showed that they still believed in themselves and hope. Grand Ruler smiled and realized he obviously has taught them better than he thought, and if there was one thing he above everyone should remember was… it wasn't over until it was over.



Anon13: Somebody get a fat lady to sing already!



They still had time to think of a way out.

"Eh… I beg your pardon." Brain said "But perhaps may be a good time to explain to everyone about my secret project I have been working on."



DiStort: “I call it ‘The Plot Device-o-Matic!’”



"At a time like this…?" snapped Dyno. "You should be thinking more of a way we can get out of here."

Brain tipped his glasses, "My dear fellow… that is precisely what my project is in fact." He cleared his throat and explained his project, which also explained the explosions that came from his house the past while.



DiStort: Say, Mykan, you ever heard of “show, don’t tell”? That usually only applies to comic books, but I think you could benefit from that lesson as well.



He had in fact, over the years been working in an underground workshop he had, and building a massive ship which he hoped would enable to make inter-dimensional travel between dimensions possible.



DiStort: So... the Gummi Ship, basically?

Drizzel: are those edible?

Pinkamina: *facehoof*



It would be like using a portal, only it wouldn't be as fast, or as stable if not handled well, but it would be reliable for such emergencies.



Svensvenderson: Ok, I did not expect that one.



"After many years of hard work and experimenting… I'm certain that it shall succeed."

Everyone was gazing at him with wide-eyes. "You've been prepared for when all hopes of escape seem impossible and then make an alternate way?" asked Lightning.



DiStort: (Sigh) Do try to keep up, will you, Lightning?



"Yes…" replied Brain "Shall we say it was… eh… er… a lucky guess? Heh... heh…!"

Hope started to shine everyone's eyes, "But may I point out…" said Cookie Dough. "It's out there… we're trapped under here… and this whole place is going to cave in on our heads any minute."

He was right; Celestia and Grand Ruler could feel the magic barrier getting weak, and Discord was still attacking causing more tremors to shake the hollow and make things worse. The kingdom was in really bad shape now. It looked as if the whole thing would blow up at any moment.



Wild Trotter: The Kryptonians are collectively rolling in their graves....or they would be if they had any.



Abra fell flat on the ground, but he could suddenly a light breeze of air blowing at his legs. "I say…" he exclaimed "Why is there air blowing through here.



Svensvenderson: Wait, wasn’t Brain the British one?



Everyone walked over and observes it was a small crack in the ground, and it was obviously coming from the underground tunnel-systems under the city where all the water came in.



DiStort: Obviously.

Svensvenderson: That’s two dei ex machina for the price of one!



That's when everyone happened on the same idea. If they couldn't escape by going up and out, maybe they could go under the ground, and that way Discord wouldn't see them either and they could teleport to Brain's place a lot easier.

"But the ground… it's too solid!" cried Starla "How can we dig through it."

Dyno and Myte saw this as their chance to take over. After all, they weren't the best mining engineers for nothing,



Svensvenderson: Or the only ones introduced.



and there wasn't any kind of terrain yet that they couldn't dig up



DiStort: Except for evil rocks and dirt, lest we forget.



, even with their bare hoofs combined with a fraction of their explosive powers. "Hurry, boys!" cried Grand Ruler "There isn't much time."

The barrier was almost ready to give, and bits of the rubble above were starting to fall in, but the twins managed to drill a hole big enough for everyone get through, but one at a time. Everyone quickly slipped through as the barrier got even weaker, and the pile of rubble above began to rumble and quiver. Celestia and Grand Ruler were the last ones to slip in as the barrier completely vanished and the hollow caved in, but the tunnels were still strong enough to hold the weight up.

Now that they were free, Celestia and Grand Ruler used their magic to teleport everyone to an area just below where Greenland once stood. Brain's house and laboratory, and everything he had above ground had been demolished, but his secret underground lab was still intact.

No one had ever been to his secret lab before, not even Grand Ruler, but upon entering, everyone was just stunned by what they saw. A giant ship just as Brain promised with armor plating, thrusters, and the inside would have more than enough room for everyone.

"Well, everyone… eh… what do you think?" Brain asked.



DiStort: I think it could use some paint. Tacky, much?



No one said a thing, but the hastily boarded, and through Brain's instructions they began to activate the ship's power. "Stand by for takeoff." Brain said "Opening secret roof hatch!"



Anon13: Activate the sensibility suppressors! Bring the rationale deflector systems online! All power to the Deus Ex Machina, and cue the cheesy music! … You brought kazoos, right?



Brain had even managed to construct a large hanger bay opening over the ship if ever there came a day when he would fly it. The ground moved away, and the ship began to rise up on a platform, then it was tilted up on a ramp lift until it was pointing straight up.

Suddenly, Lightning noticed, "Uh… I think we have a problem."



DiStort: Yeah, we’re twenty-five episodes into this thing and you’re still breathing. This needs to be remedied.



He pointed out the window and everyone could see Discord heading straight for them. "Well, well… what have we here?" he asked teasingly as he gazed at the ship, and he was rather impressed that everyone had survived the collapse of the city. "And you have a new toy for me to play with too…? You shouldn't have."

He was hovered up where he was and drew in a huge breath, ready to blats the ship to ashes. "He's going to fire on us!"

"Not quite…!" Brain said, and he flipped a switch which raised a large shielding plate over the front of the ship which blocked Discord's fiery breath.



Svensvenderson: Seriously? There’s no drama if you just pull a solution out of your ass!



"Mm… this is getting interesting." Discord sniggered. "Let's see what other fires we can start."

"Thrusters ready to fire!" said Cookie Dough.



Svensvenderson: In addition to being a cook, Cookie Dough is also a rocket scientist.

DiStort: He was working on his new exploding bread rolls before this whole mess started.



"Launch!" demanded Brain, and the ship took off and zoomed right past Discord as he slammed his huge claws down and missed. He hit the ground with such force that the whole kingdom began to shake and quiver violently and it didn't stop but just kept getting worse. Any second now, it would all burst into flames!

"Take us out!" shouted Grand Ruler.

"Yes, Sire!" said Brain, but as they headed up, and up, and up into the stormy skies, they stopped moving up and felt themselves slowly being pulled back towards the surface. "What's happening?" cried Celestia.

Everyone looked round, and saw Discord was holding onto them and dragging them back down with him. "Leaving so soon? How rude!" he hissed. "The party's just getting warmed up."



Wild Trotter: “Or it will be once you phonies drop dead like you were supposed to earlier!”



Brian tried all he could, but the thrusters weren't strong enough to break Discord's grip. Also, of all the things he built in the ship for defense, he had forgotten to put in any weapons. "Well…" he groaned "…Now who's a fool?"



Svensvenderson: Mykan.

Anon13: Lord yes.



Lightning had an idea and he headed straight for the back of the ship where the hatch was. "Open it!" he shouted. "Lightning…? What are you doing…?" shouted Grand Ruler "Saving us, that's what!" replied Lightning and as soon as the hatch was open, Lightning got a good view of Discords huge, ugly face and fire the rainbow force and uniforce at the same time, straight at him.



DiStort: What? No fruity chants this time?



The forces were actually helping the ship gain a little extra thrust,



Svensvenderson: NEWTONIAN PHYSICS DO NOT WORK LIKE THAT!



but Discord was still too strong and he hardly felt the blast at all. He laughed at Lightning's feeble attempts

Discord merely laughed and began to tighten his grip on the ship and began to squash the hull in like a tine can. "We can't hold out much longer!" cried Brain. That's when Grand Ruler leapt out of his seat and joined Lightning, blasting Discord with the uniforce himself. His force combined with Lightning added more power, but still just not quite enough. "We're almost out!" cried Brain "We just need a little more…" but Grand Ruler and Lightning were already giving it all they had. They could give no more.

Most of the others couldn't leave their posts,



Svensvenderson: Because why?



and their attacks wouldn't give them the thrust they needed. Discord's continued to laugh. "I can't remember the last time I had so much fun." He mocked. He continued to laugh so much that Celestia was growing very annoyed, and worried about everyone. She stood from her passenger seat with a serious look on her face… and then she began to glow with that same mystical light.

Everyone gazed at her in surprise.

"That glowing…!" cried Starla "…Is that the uniforce?"



DiStort: Fun fact: The Uniforce is essentially the magic equivalent of an STD. This is what happens when you stand next to GR for too long.



This confused everyone, "But how…?"

"She doesn't have a golden horn!"

Even Lightning and Grand Ruler were amazed, but they continued to fire as Celestia joined them by their sides. "What?" growled Discord "Celestia…? No…! This can't be…!"

"Discord…!" snarled Celestia "After all these ages… this… is… goodbye…! …UNIFORCE!" Her power, combined with the others, not only gave them enough thrust to break free, but shot Discord right in the eyes.



Svensvenderson: Ouch.



The evil demon dragon roared and screeched in pain.



Wild Trotter: Discord: “At least it isn’t as painful as being petrified.”



"Quick…! Close the hatch!" cried Lightning. The hatch closed and the ship began to fly up, up, up… while Discord, blinded and completely stunned from being hit by such powerful forces all at once, not like before, began to crash back down into the exploding kingdom below. "We are almost there!" cried Brain.

The kingdom began flare and rupturing as they penetrated the dimensional barrier and into Dimensional Space. Then, as Discord crashed into the ground, did the biggest and deadliest scene of explosions and flares completely engulf the kingdom, reducing it to nothing less than a baron,



Wild Trotter: Discord: “I think you mean “barren”, you schmuck!”

Svensvenderson: I have to admit it, but that one kind of made me laugh.



burning wasteland or nothingness.



Wild Trotter: And nothing of value was lost.

DiStort: And not a single buck was given that day.



Everyone in the ship could feel the force of the explosion rock them about softly, but they made it out alive and were on their way. Everyone gazed out the back at, the now, ruined dimension.



Svensvenderson: Kingdom, planet, dimension, who knows?



"My beautiful kingdom…!"



DiStort: “My bong collection was down there!”



Grand Ruler peeped softly, and he lowered his head in heartache and pain.

Everyone felt really bad, but at least Discord had been destroyed as well!



Wild Trotter: At least Discord took the bland utopia down with him. And now, a moment of silence for him. *bows head*

DiStort: Eh, he’ll get better.



…

Night Mare had been bashing Luna and friends against each other for a while now, and they were all looking very badly beat up, but all she did was laugh at them and slam them down hard on the ground.



Wild Trotter: Luna secretly had the pentagram of protection active, at Nightmare Moon’s suggestion.

DiStort: Clever girl...



"I think enough is enough." she said.

The gang was all bruised and their armors were all dented and busted up. Worse than that, they still hadn't landed a single hit on Night Mare at all. "Now… the question is who I shall destroy first?" she wondered aloud.



Wild Trotter: Luna: “How about letting someone else take out Rhymey?”

Nightmare Moon: “Good idea.”

Rhymey: *shudders in terror*

Svensvenderson: Pick me! I’ll do it!

DiStort: I’ve had dibs since forever. I get first shots.

Svensvenderson: Can I watch then?

DiStort: Yes. Yes you can. I’ll even provide snacks and drinks.



She was so busy that she didn't notice what was happening in her fortress.



DiStort: Was the toilet backing up again? That happens to me a lot.



Twilight and friends were ready to spring their plan. Some of the others were just playing it cool and continuing to slave, while Twilight and the rest were hiding behind a doorway. The only two guards in the chamber heard someone screaming for help and dashed to the doorway to see what was wrong, but as the crossed through, "Now..!" shouted Twilight as she and her friends pulled on their chains and raised them like tripping wires. The guards fell over and down the flight of stairs ahead of them and crashed at the bottom out cold.

"YE-HA…!" cried Applejack "Like beatin' a dead horse. Not latterly."



Wild Trotter: Applejack: “It’s ‘literally’, ya bubblehead.”

Svensvenderson: Well, I suppose beating a dead horse longitudinally would make some kind of difference.



Now that the guards weren't watching anymore, they leave through the front door and head straight down to help the others, but they were still chained to iron balls which were extremely heavy.



Svensvenderson: Yes, iron does have a tendency to be rather heavy.



Only the elements of harmony would be able to break them, but Night Mare still had them on her.

"There's no way we can get down there like this." cried Pinkie Pie "It's no good! We're done for! DONE FOR…!" Rarity and Rainbow Dash tacked her to the ground to keep her from shouting too loud. "Keep it down, Pinkie!" snapped Rainbow.

Applejack already had an idea. "If we can't get to the elements, I'll get them to us."

Before anyone asked how she intended to do that, she grabbed a long and loose chain that was on the floor in her teeth and began to whirl it like a lasso. She didn't have her magic,



Wild Trotter: Since when did earth ponies have mag- I give up.

Anon13: Don’t try to make sense of the fic, Wild. That way lies madness.



but she still had her skills and regular talent.

Night Mare decided to wipe out all four of the fallen warriors at once, but right as she was about to do so. She felt something yanking the treasure-chest of from her back. "What?" she exclaimed as she saw the chest being pulled into the fortress by a chain.



Svensvenderson: That’s one obscenely long chain.



"No…!" she cried as a bright flash of light shone through the windows, and Twilight and her friends all dashed outside, out of their chains, with their wings and horns back, and each wearing one of the elements of harmony. "What's the matter Night Mare…?" mocked Twilight "Are we breaking the rules?"



DiStort: No, not really. Go right ahead, girls.



Night Mare growled angrily. "You wretched little mules…!"

Rhymey, though weak and sore, looked up and saw Fluttershy. She gazed back at him and smiled. Then she gazed back angrily at Night Mare who was glaring at them all angrily.



Wild Trotter: The Equestrians should be glaring at the author instead.



Things were about to get far more intense.



Anon13: ...ly stupid.



…

It was taking time to get to Nightmarica, even at full speed, but at least the others would arrive soon…!

Poor Celestia was pooped out from using her powers in such a force before. She was resting now on a bench for multiple passengers to sit while she recovered her energy, but everyone was amazed and astounded by what she had done. "I never thought it was possible before…" said Grand Ruler, "But I witnessed it with my own eyes- a unicorn without a golden horn somehow managed to tap into the uniforce!"

"I… I did…?" groaned Celestia, "But how…?"



DiStort: “Also, what the hell is that, and why does it have such a dumb name?”



Grand Ruler hushed her and told her to relax.



Anon13: “Your concerns don’t matter, you’re a girl!”



She would need her strength for the upcoming trials ahead, which he, himself, was really looking forward too. "Night Mare…! Beware…!" he said in his thoughts.



Svensvenderson: GR’s been hanging around Rhymey too much.



As the ship continued to fly across Dimensional Space, those same large red eyes were gazing at them, and the evil voice behind them sniggering softly.



Wild Trotter: Voice: “Finally, this story’s nearing its end.”



…

Night Mare was still glaring at the Equestrians, but her anger slowly turned into evil laughter. "What is she laughing about now?" snapped Spike "She's driving me crazy!"

"I guess I should commend you for being able to outsmart my newest spells." said Night Mare "But you haven't won anything yet. You think that just because you have your precious elements back, that you can stand up to me?"

"And what makes you so sure that we can't?" asked Twilight.

That's when Titan's minions, who had long since returned, soared over the gang, and landed near Night Mare. All of them were sniggering,



DiStort: Is “sniggering” like the evil villain equivalent of a secret handshake or something? They all know how to do it and no one knows what it means?



"Just watch…" said Dementia.

"Then you'll see…" added Rep-Stallion.

"Prepare to meet your doom!" hissed Mysterious.

Night Mare began to laugh loud and as powerful shadows enveloped her and the minions, and the shadows began to merge together into one, large, and powerful demon…



DiStort: “I am a Shadow... the TRUE SELF.”



part Night Mare, and bits and parts of the minions, though it still seemed to be mostly nightmare. She now called herself, Nightmaricus!



Wild Trotter: Agrosax the Chaos would like to have a little few words with the author.

Svensvenderson: *snort* Nightmaricus? For Celestia’s sake, how old is Mykan, 9?



Fluttershy felt her old fear rising again, and she was too scared to even hide.

"Take a good look at me now." the evil demon bellowed "I have become one with my new friends, and added their power to mine. Even your elements of harmony will avail you not!"



Wild Trotter: “I will correct the mistakes of the past, and then make myself scarce!”



Twilight and friends, though scared, decided to stick it up and fight.

Luna and her friends, though still a little sore, were finding their second winds.



Svensvenderson: I always leave my second wind at home when I need it.



"We'll help you!" Luna promised.

"Our honor is true!" rhymed Rhymey.



DiStort: What does that even mean?



Twilight nodded and then shouted, "In the name of the princess, Celestia… FOR EQUESTRIA…!"

And everyone leapt up high and charged into battle, but Nightmaricus was a lot stronger than she looked. She stomped her huge hoof which shook the grounds and made everyone fall over. The Unicornicopians, Luna, and the pegasi took to the air to avoid this. Everyone fired their best attacks at the demon form many angles, and it seemed to have some effect as Nightmaricus roared and growled in pain, but she didn't seem to get any weaker, but rather angry.

"Insignificance…!" she growled and she spun round and around on one hoof, swinging her massive tail and batting everyone off in different directions. "Wow!" cried Rainbow Dash, "I never thought she could get this strong!"

"It could always be worse…!" said Artie,



DiStort: Celestia-dammit Artie. Everyone knows that’s like, Death’s ringtone.



and that's when Nightmaricus opened her mouth and let out a super energy beam which the gang was barely able to dodge. The force of the impact was so strong that it blew a small crater in the ground where it hit!

"EEK…!" cried Fluttershy "OhmyOhmyOhmyOhmy…!"



DiStort: Look at this! Do you see what you assholes are doing to Fluttershy?! Geez...

Svensvenderson: Your deaths will be slow, and painful.



she kept on squeaking while trembling fearfully

"Stay focussed!" said Luna as everyone huddled by her side "Everyone, attack her all at once!"



Anon13: Strategic genius that she is.



"Right…! Maybe that will blow her out!" added Buddy Rose.

Everyone summoned up all the magic they could spare, and combined it into one colossal force of magic and fire it straight at Nightmaricus, which damaged her good but not good enough. "Look out! She's coming!" cried Pinkie!

Nightmaricus stomped over to the group and growled at them fiercely and chuckled, "Face it! Friendship failed, and so did harmony."



Wild Trotter: “By friendship and harmony, I do mean “believing” failed on an epic scale.”



"No…!" cried Twilight "She's just too strong…!"

"Oh, boy… this is it!" cried Spike and then he gazed at Rarity. "Before I die… I want… I want to tell you that I think you're… you're..."

Poor Rarity was too frightened to pay attention anyway, but just as Spike was about to say the magic words he had longed to say, Nightmaricus was blasted at from behind. Everyone looked and Twilight's eyes lit up, "Princess Celestia…!"

Her teacher smiled at her and her subjects. "I have returned, and I have brought some help with me." That's when the rest of the Unicornicopians flew up alongside her…

"Lightning Dawn…!"

"Starla Shine…!

"Dyno & Myte…!"

"Brain…!"

"Cookie Dough…!"

"Abra Kadabra…!"



DiStort: HEART!

Isphone: By your powers combined, I am capta- BLEUGH!



Also with them was "Grand Ruler…!" cried Buddy Rose.

The Equestrians were nearly speechless at the sight of him. "Well I'll be gal-darned!" cried Applejack.

"There really is a tri-horned alicorn!" added Rarity.



DiStort: “Talk about gaudy.”



Grand Ruler gazed furiously at Nightmaricus. "YOU…!" he roared. Nightmaricus could hardly believe her eyes "Celesto…! It can't be…! I thought I had destroyed you when I banished you from his place…"

"You… will soon wish you had!"



DiStort: All of us already wish she had.



roared Grand Ruler.

Nightmaricus growled and fired another energy wave straight for him. "Sire…!" cried Artie, but Grand Ruler just hovered there and countered the blast with the uniforce, stronger than ever. "What?" snarled Nightmaricus. Grand Ruler just stood there and narrowed his eyes. "This cannot be!" cried Nightmaricus "Friendship and harmony are useless against my power."

"You fail to see, Nightmaricus." said Grand Ruler "It isn't just friendship and harmony alone that you're facing, but a force far greater than anything you could ever comprehend." He held out the four rainbow stones and shouted "THE MAGIC OF BELIEVING…!"



DiStort: “PFFT HA HA HA HA! Oh, that’s rich... okay seriously, what are you fighting me with?”



The stone glowed brightly and flew in circles in the air and shed their light on everyone, making the heroes stronger, and Nightmaricus just shielded her eyes. "Stop…! Stop…!" she groaned "I can't stand the light!"



Anon13: Now I can see how cheesy a character I am! NOOOOO!



"Everyone, listen…!" Grand Ruler called out "Just look deep within you. Believe in faith,



Anon13: Ah, faith is believing, Mykan. Get a dictionary.



and believe in each other, and together we will vanquish this demonic incarnation forever!"



Svensvenderson: I believe I want this story to be over. Does that count?



Twilight and her friends did as they were told, and concentrated. They never felt anything like this, the power of the friendship and harmony seemed to be going crazy! At the same time, everyone else charged up for a good attack, even Brain, and Abra had a bit of magic to spare.

"NO! I… WILL… NOT… BE DESTROYED…!" shouted Nightmaricus.

"NOW…!" shouted Grand Ruler as everyone blasted her with everything they had. Small explosions and bolts of lightning and swarms of magic collided into her in every possible direction. She screeched and shouted and groaned the loudest ever. "THOU SHALT NOT RETURN AGAIN…!" Luna called out to her evil side as Nightmaricus rose up into the skies, flaring and sparking… then she exploded in a huge ball of fire and lightning which shook the kingdom most violently.

"Look…!" cried Lightning. everyone gazed up at the sky and could see images of Night Mare, Mysterious, Rep-Stallion, and Dementia… all wailing as they all twilled round and round, faster and faster and then they were gone. All gone!



Svensvenderson: I’ll believe they’re gone when I see some bodies.



Everyone leapt for joy and cheered over their win, but the kingdom still shook violently, and the red stormy skies grew black with darkness.

"Oh, no…! What now…?" cried Twilight.

Nobody knew what was coming, until those two large red eyes appeared in the darkened area of the skies followed by a sinister laugh!

To Be Continued…!

Author's Erie taunt:

Nightmare… Discord… …are dead!

Steal their power!

Feel their power!

*BRIGHT FLASHES*



DiStort: Has this guy forgotten to take his pills or something?

Svensvenderson: That would require him to actually seek help.



…

Hehehe… couldn't resist. I got the idea form Gauntlet Dark Legacy.



DiStort: This is like that movie Groundhog Day. You keep hoping it’ll end, but it just keeps going and going...

Crazy56U: You know, good point, why aren’t I reading “The Best Night Ever” right now instead of this?

FINAL EPISODE

(Final Part)



Crazy56U: FIN-A-FRICKING-LLY

Svensvenderson: Hallelujah!



With Night Mare gone, all the Equestrians were free from their chains, but all were just gazing up at those large eyes in the sky. Some of the little ones were hiding behind their elders.

"Who are you?" asked Celestia.

The voice behind the eyes explained, "I am



Chaossorcerer: the terror that flaps through the night! I am the computer virus, who will delete Mykan’s fanfics from his hard drive. I am the ghost of Mock Do Well!

Anon13: You mean we, chaos.



the one who has been observing you all for some time now- Watching you all as you took on those evil creatures that came your way, and bolding revealing every last bit of your magical skills and powers.



DiStort: “Really not sure how I lost to you guys, to be frank.”



Now I have all that I require."



Wild Trotter: Voice: “All I want now is a vacation once I’m through with you sentai rip-offs.” *aside* “Apologies in advance to all the other Power Rangers rip-offs.”

DiStort: ‘Preciate that.



Lightning gasped "That voice…! I didn't want to believe it…" he said. His eyes narrowed, and he poised his hoof up high, "…Titan!"

Everyone who knew that gasped…

"Titan?" cried Starla

"It can't be!" cried Celestia "You said you defeated him."



DiStort: They say a lot of things, Celestia. Most of them outright lies.



Titan laughed in the darkness and explained what had happened…



Chaossorcerer: Titan: Surprise! I am back bitches, using shitty foreshadowing to establish my return!

…

When Lightning and Grand Ruler nearly destroyed him in Unicornicopia, Titan was prepared for this and reached into his back and pulled out a small blob from within his



Svensvenderson: Ass, thus making this one granddaddy of an asspull!



body, a special one filled with enough strength and energy that would one day allow Titan to be reborn.



Wild Trotter: Just in time for one last shot at the gang, no less.



The blob was cast out into Dimensional Space, and for all that time, Titan spent gathering strength and power, while at the same time, observing the Unicornicopians so that he could effectively destroy them by learned their every magic technique, and learn how to overpower it…



DiStort: Wouldn’t it have been easier to just check GameFAQS?



Even if it meant using Night Mare, Discord, or even his own minions as disposable tools to gain the information he required.



Wild Trotter: Titan: “Actually, they secretly wanted to be rid of the plot so they could continue riffing on it...elsewhere, alongside my father.”

Chaossorcerer: You know what I think is always funny about paragraphs like that? They read like a five year old giving a summary of his favorite Power Rangers episode.

DiStort: I take offense to that. I gave way better summaries of Power Rangers when I was five.



…

Twilight and friends had never heard of anything more despicable in it their lives… the fact that he would just use creatures, preferably ones that served him and then just toss them aside. "That is… by far… the most ungrateful, wretched thing ever!" snapped Rarity.



Wild Trotter: Rarity: “Wait... You were mercifully sparing them of further indignation from this fanfic’s plot?”

Titan: “Yes, the “disposable tool” thing was just a ploy to keep that lousy author distracted by our real plan: Going back in time, taking off, and nuking Celesto in his prison before he even creates Unicornicopia.”

Rarity: “Preventing this whole mess from happening? I would not mind in the least.”

Isphone: Where did I leave my flux capacitor...



"I never knew someone that could exist could be so heartless!" said Rainbow Dash "So… evil!"



Wild Trotter: Rainbow Dash: “No, wait... Celesto dragging us into this mess was the “heartless” part.



Titan laughed and said. "Well… sad to say it is. Now that Unicornicopia is gone,



Svensvenderson: Oh darn.

DiStort: I’m trying so very hard to hold back my tears. Sniff-freaking-sniff.



and even Equestria, itself, is in ruin, there only remains one final thing to do." He cast his gaze upon The Grand Ruler "Have you any idea who you really are by this time…?"



DiStort: Annoying?



Grand Ruler looked confused "What…?"



Chaossorcerer: Titan: A shitty self insert. The product of some moron who has such a big ego, he wants to be in everything the most special character. Even in some kids show for which he is way too old and he doesn’t even enjoy!



Titan sniggered and revealed to everyone the secret… a story that had been only known from his former home world, the Dimension of Evil.

Golden horned unicorns were rare species, and would have access to certain powers and magic that others could never hope to use themselves,



DiStort: They’re sort of like Segways. A fun little novelty, but ultimately impractical and useless.



but once every hundred-thousand years, an alicorn with three horns is born. This creature would, one day, grow to possess extraordinary powers, and master magic beyond the comprehension of many.



Wild Trotter: All personality, unfortunately, is sacrificed in the process.

Svensvenderson: Personality, likability, relatability, and a lot of other words that end in ‘y’.



Celestia herself, also possessed such power, not because she was born special, but for her interactions with the legendary tri-horned.



Svensvenderson: NO! Celestia is a goddess! That is what makes her motherbucking special!



Being with him for such a time began to unlock the magic deep within her as well, which was why she was able to tap into the uniforce despite not having a golden horn!

Whatever power Grand Ruler possessed, Celestia was going to be entitled to share.



DiStort: Dude, GR should be honored to even share the same oxygen as Celestia. She doesn’t need to be entitled to anything of his.



She and he would be the most mystical creatures in the known Dimensional Universe.



Chaossorcerer: Now you are trying to turn Celestia into a Mary Sue? In the name of the Solar Empire, DIE!



Titan was not about to let such a thing happen, when he felt it was he, himself, who deserved all the power and the title more.



Wild Trotter: And he would use such power to inspire the rest of the multiverse to mock the hell out of Celesto for the crappy self-insert he is.



That was why he led such an onslaught of monsters against Grand Ruler's kingdom. Though Grand Ruler was strong, his true power had not fully been awakened. He wished to destroy Grand Ruler before that happened, and then he would have it all.



Wild Trotter: And a much-needed vacation, on top of all that.



Not a single soul would exist that could stop him.



Wild Trotter: The multiverse would consider Unicornicopia a minor footnote at best.



"And now… here we stand." That's when Titan fully appeared, he looked almost the same as he always looked, but he was gigantic. His hands alone were as large as the whole group standing together. He laughed maliciously.

Everyone was just speechless, especially Grand Ruler. All this time he had wondered what reason it was for him to have three horns, and now he knew, and he knew what his destiny was.



Wild Trotter: Not that the readers care at this point.



"Titan…!" he growled "I swear… even if my true power hasn't been discovered… so help me… I'll destroy you!"



DiStort: So, is GR actually supposed to be the protagonist now? That really isn’t any better than Lightning.



"So shall I." added Celestia

Everyone else stood tall and proud, but suddenly they realized that the elements of harmony, and the rainbow stones were gone. "Where did they go?" asked Artie.

"Look…!" cried Pinkie Pie. Everyone gazed up and saw Titan had them in his giant hand. "Oh…! Are these yours…?" he asked mockingly as he did the unthinkable… and actually crushed the treasures into dust. Their magical energies flared out in soft explosions and were gone.



Wild Trotter: Now Mykan ripped off the first season finale of Digimon with villain-outta-nowhere Apocalymon? What next?

Svensvenderson: The characters saying the attack names didn’t tip you off about Mykan’s Digimon fetish?

Wild Trotter: Ugh... I knew I should’ve caught onto that one sooner.



Celestia and Grand Ruler gasped in shock and everyone else felt beyond what words could explain.



DiStort: Dull surprise and rather fast acceptance?



No one ever thought it possible actually destroy the elements of harmony or the rainbow stones just like that. "I can't believe he has that much power!" cried Luna.

"A little sample of what's in store for ALL OF YOU…!" Titan shouted as he grabbed Grand Ruler and Celestia in his hands. "No…!" cried Lightning and Twilight.

"Put us down…!" demanded Grand Ruler.

"Put us down this instant…!" growled Celestia.

Titan's eyes shimmered once. "As you wish!" and the inside of his hood began to glow mysteriously like a swirling vortex and he hastily threw them inside and they were gone.

Twilight and Lightning were devastated along with everyone else. "He… he… did it!" cried Twilight as tears began to form in her eyes.

"No! They… they can't be…!" cried Lightning.

Titan explained that they weren't dead, yet. "They have merely been infused inside of my very magical essence."

"They're inside of you…?" asked Applejack.



Chaossorcerer: So Mykan is a vore fetishist?

Svensvenderson: I think I speak for everypony when I say: “Ew”.

Wild Trotter: *begins chugging brain bleach*

DiStort:



"YES…!" bellowed Titan "And every second they remain inside of me, their energies and magic are being infused into me. Soon they will be no more, and finally… I shall have complete power and strength to rule the entire Dimensional Universe!"



Wild Trotter: “At least Celestia will return. Celesto, on the other hand...”



Everyone's anger began to peak. "GET HIM…!" Lightning shouted



DiStort: Who put you in charge?



, and everyone fire their best attacks, but it was no good. They had used up a lot of their powers fighting Night Mare, and even so, their biggest attacks were only the size of insects compared to Titan's enormous size. He felt nothing but slight amusement. He chuckled and then raised his huge hand. "Everyone, watch out…!" cried Lightning and everyone dashed out of the way as Titan actually managed to use the, "UNIFORCE…!" drained from Celestia and Grand Ruler inside of him.



Svensvenderson: Thanks, Mykan. I will never be hungry again.

Wild Trotter: *vomits* Must...scrub...brain!

Drizzel: Diane! Quick! Tell me about someone you killed!

Pinkamina: But thats pretty gross.

Drizzel: Trust me that's better than this.



Such a large and powerful energy blast flew straight through the ground of the kingdom and right out through the other end, which badly disrupted the force points that held the kingdom together.



Anon13: Nice asspull. NOT.



Despite having missed any of his victims Titan didn't care.



Svensvenderson: Neither do we.



"You're fate is now sealed. I've disrupted the force point, and in just a few moments there will be bust of energy erupting from the ground so massive it will reduce the remains of this pitiful dimension to a dust cloud, taking all of you miserable creatures with it! I, on the other hand, won't be affected, with the power of your two leaders inside of me; my massive strength will protect me with everything there is."

All hope now seemed completely lost for everyone, but Lightning. "No…!" he growled "I won't let this happen!" and he began to charge straight for Titan. "Lightning…!" screamed Starla

"He's crazy!" cried Dyno.

"Come back…!" called Fluttershy

"He'll be beaten…!

Or worse, eaten!" cried Rhymey



Wild Trotter: Titan: “Shut up, Rhymey!”



Despite calls and protests from the others, Lightning refused to head back, and continued to charge, much to Titan's annoyance. "Pitiful fool…!" he fired a ray of energy from his eyes nearly hitting Lightning and creating such and explosion that it threw him back, but he just got back up and tried again. Titan blasted at him again, and again. "What's he doing…?" asked Twilight "How can he just keep getting up like that?"



Svensvenderson: Because A. He’s a Mary Sue, and B. Plot.

Anon13: And C. Bananas.



All anyone could figure was that Lightning was determined to get at Titan, despite all the odds being horribly stacked against them; he wasn't willing to give up! He wasn't going to let his master, The Grand Ruler, or Princess Celestia be threatened by any oversized demon sorcerer.

"I'll… get them… out… SOMEHOW…!"



DiStort: You could try soap. That helped me get my finger out of a sink nozzle once.



Titan had had quite enough of this foolishness, and prepared to blast Lightning to bits, but as soon as he fired, two large portals appeared right over Lightning, one absorbed the blast, and the other transferred it right back at Titan as if it had made a U-turn. "A'RGH…!" Titan roared after being hit by this own power.



Chaossorcerer: Wait, someone uses a Portal gun?

Anon13: Mykan, references to better works just show how shitty yours is.



"Huh…?" wondered Lightning and then he said, "Krysta…!" and the other fairies were with her. "Did you miss me?" Krysta teased.



Svensvenderson: The collective “NO!” could have been heard for miles.

Wild Trotter: Save for the perverts who loved inflating her new hourglass figure. *beat* What?



The other fairies began to evacuate all the other creatures of Equestria to the Safe Dimension, and while Titan was still stunned from his own blast. Krysta ushered everyone huddled in close to her. She knew Grand Ruler and Celestia were inside, "So you'll all have to get them out." she said, she wouldn't listen to what anyone else had to say, and told them all to get inside Titan's hood using the same technique she had just used.

She formed one portal near everyone, and the second directly near Titan's head. "Go, now!" she shouted, and she and everyone else jumped through. They popped out through the other portal and could feel themselves being pulled in by strong winds that were Titan's breathing, and all fell into the blackness of his hood and into that vortex.

Titan could only roar in extreme outrage.



DiStort: I’d be pretty mad if I had a bunch of jerks running around in my guts.



…

Inside of Titan was nothing anyone expected.



Svensvenderson: If you’ll excuse me, I need to go scrub every square millimeter of my skin to get the dirty feeling off.



It was like being a dark realm, with dark swirling colors and lights. Spike felt himself getting queasy, and his cheeks turned green. "Oh…! I think I'm going to hurl…!" he groaned.

Twilight lifted him onto her back. "This place is just… it's just…"

"Interesting…!" exclaimed Brain "Most, most, most interesting! I wouldn't have believed it possible!"

"Yeah, yeah… it's breath-takin'." Said Applejack "But what in tarnation are we supposed to do now?"

"We must find Celestia and Celesto." said Luna "We cannot allow Titan to absorb their energies any longer."



Wild Trotter: Luna: “Scratch that, just get Celestia out of here. Celesto’s dead weight for bringing us into this debacle.”

DiStort: See if you can ditch Lightning and company while you’re at it.



The only trouble was where to start looking. All ways round they couldn't tell which way was up, or down, or anywhere round, and the swirling dark colors and lights made it harder to tell. "Oh boy…!" groaned Spike as he felt his stomach gurgling, and in his dizziness, he thought he could see something up ahead. "Is that…?" He shook himself awake and looked up ahead. "Look over there!"

Everyone could see Grand Ruler and Celestia being held by slimy magical tentacle-like thinks by all four of their limbs, and their horns.



Svensvenderson: I hate it when that happens.



They just remained like that with their eyes closed. They looked pretty weak and a little dehydrated as well.



Wild Trotter: Celestia would need brain bleach to be rid of that “Anime Tentacle Scenario” memory. LOTS of it!



"Princess!" cried Twilight as she ran to her mentor's side "Princess Celestia! It's me, Twilight. Wake up, please!"

Lightning walked over to Grand Ruler "Master…? Master, please...! Don't let Titan do this to you."



DiStort: Five bits says GR’s getting off on this.



The two royal alicorns didn't even move as if they couldn't hear a thing, and Titan's voice could be heard as his huge eyes actually appeared in the darkness above them. "Go ahead. Waste your tears over those, soon to be no more, fools."



Wild Trotter: Titan: “At least Celestia’s memories of Celesto would be no more.”

Twilight Sparkle: “As well as memories of her holding the idiot ball in Past Sins?”

Titan: “Past Sins? The one with that Nyx foal? Erm...I guess so.”



Twilight roared angrily and fired a magical beam at the eyes, but her blast only went through them. "It's just an illusion…" said Abra "He's trying to torment us with lies and deceit! Don't listen to him."

It was so hard for the others not to, with the royal alicorns getting weaker, and Titan getting stronger; his constant taunting seemed to have quite an effect. "Your precious rulers have given up on all of you. The friendship, harmony, and believing have failed them just as they have failed all of you. They know the end is coming. They've abandoned you… to me!"

A lot of the others, felt hurt. Twilight even had tears in her eyes for actually letting Titan get to her. His evil laugh made her sag down on her bottom. "No…!" she cried "The princess would never do this."

"You monster…!" roared Luna "Cease filling our heads with these lies!"



Drizzel: That’s exactly what the prereaders said.

Wild Trotter: Titan: “Tell that to god-emperor over here.”



"We've got to keep trying!" said Lightning. Everyone tried as hard as they could to break the tentacles holding their leaders, but they were so incredibly strong and didn't budge an inch. Rarity really wished they had the elements of harmony now, and the twins wished they had the rainbow stones.

"Forget them…!" snapped Lightning. This made everyone gasp in shock, but Lightning gazed up at his mentor. "Sire… listen, I'm not giving up. I know you can hear me!" His master still didn't move or open his eyes, and neither did Celestia. "Twilight, help…! Just talk to the princess."

Twilight didn't understand at first,



Anon13: Because “talk to the princess” could mean so many things.



but figured it worth a try. "Princess Celestia… I'm here. We're all here."



Anon13: suffering through this fanfic together.



The two students did their best to wake their mentors- telling them that they were both strong creatures who taught them both well, and one thing Twilight and Lightning learned was never to give up.



Svensvenderson: Because a little positive reinforcement never hurts!



Everyone on the entire Dimensional Universe was now depending on them and all their subjects.



Chaossorcerer: I would rather depend on Derpy.

Anon13: She may drop pianos, but she’ll never drop our hearts.



"Believe in us!" cried Twilight.

"Believe in them…!" said Lightning.



Wild Trotter: *To Grand Ruler* “YOU! ARE FIRED! FROM BREATHING!!! Please, pack up your things, and kindly leave...LIIIIIIFE!!!”



A small groan escape form Grand Ruler's throat, and he opened his eyes, "I… do believe!" he said.

"Me… too…!" cried Celestia as she awoke.

Grand Ruler's three horns began to glow and shimmer brighter than ever.

"What's this?" Titan's voice growled "It cannot be!"



Chaossorcerer: The words of every evil overlord who did not read the list.

DiStort: MAAAAAJOR GLORRYYYY!!!



Grand Ruler was beginning to unlock his secret hidden powers from deep within, thanks to everyone believing in him and Celestia. "Everyone, continue to believe!"



Svensvenderson: I believe that this is ridiculous.

DiStort: I believe that I need a drink. And in Santa Christ. Can’t forget that.



he told them "We will get through this together!"

Everyone closed their eyes, and concentrated hard, which made Grand Ruler glow brighter than ever, and Celestia began to glow too. "Celestia!" her fiancé "Will you help me? Will you lend me your strength and purity to help us vanquish this terrible evil?"

Celestia wasted no time in answering.



DiStort: “Dear ME, no!”



"Yes! Celesto, I will help you!" Her body began to glow brighter, and everyone else felt themselves being teleported.

…

Titan felt really strange inside. "This can't be happening!" he growled as the heroes emerged through his hood in beams of light. "We're out…!" cried Krysta.

Starla looked up in the sky and gasped, "Look…!" Everyone gazed up and saw Grand Ruler and Celestia, still glow, and spinning round and around and merging together as one.



DiStort: I think I may have used that Yosuke picture a little soon...



What everyone saw next left them beyond words- A giant humanoid creature with pointed ears with long golden hair and four golden horns on its head. It had gold and silver armor, wings. It wore a skirt with the colors of Celestia's mane and tail, and a cape as red as Grand Ruler's.



Wild Trotter: ...The...fuck!? ...The...FUCK?!?

Anon13: Congratulations. You’ve hit Lovecraftian levels of horror with this fic. This makes the Necronomicon look like the Cat in the Hat.

Wild Trotter: *chugs brain bleach like crazy*

Svensvenderson: No. I simply REFUSE this. This did NOT happen.

Drizzel: THATS IT! Diane! Get the guns were going in hot!

Pinkamina: Finally!



The rainbow rod left Lightning and dashed up to the creature, transforming into a long and powerful scepter.

Everyone was so fascinated



DiStort: If you replace fascinated with horrified.



by this creature. Part Princess Celestia, and part Grand Ruler.



Anon13: All horse hockey.



They had become a creature known as, "GRAND CELESTIAL RULER…!" it shouted in its fused, god-like voice.



Wild Trotter: *getting a second drum of brain bleach* Must...cleanse...brain!!!

Chaossorcerer: That’s it. Mykan just proved that he is highly obsessed with Power Rangers and shitty mecha anime in general.



Titan glared furiously at the creature as The Ruler said to him. "Titan…! In the name of every creature you have harmed… of every dimension you have infected and destroyed… Your time to answer is now!"

Titan growled with his fists clenched. "You forget…!" he sneered, "I still hold enough of your powers… AND I CAN STILL FIGHT YOU…!" His shout echoed as he leapt up into the air, ready to fight.



Svensvenderson: Just bend over and take it! It’ll be so much faster!



He missed his first strike and The Ruler blasted him hard, but then Titan managed to flip around and blast right back. The two forces seemed equal in every possible way and continued to fight to what seemed like an endless brawl, and it looked like anyone's win.



Wild Trotter: I believe Chaossorcerer spoke for all of us on what Mykan’s obsessed with. *resumes chugging the brain bleach*



The decaying kingdom was already beginning to break up and fall to pieces just as Titan had promised. Krysta suggested that everyone go with her to the Safe Dimension. "No…!" snapped Lightning "We can't just go…! We've got to try and help somehow."



Svensvenderson: Dude, you’re a mosquito trying to get into a fight between two lions. The most you can do is piss them off.



"But how…?" asked Fluttershy "The elements of harmony are gone."

"So are the rainbow stones." added Buddy Rose "We don't stand a chance without them."

Lightning felt himself about to really lose his temper. "What's with all of you?" he shouted. Everyone gazed at him like he was a big bully gazing down at a helpless foal. "You're all missing the whole point of how we got this far… we don't need any treasures or weapons to fight. We've had the magic inside us all the time."



Chaossorcerer: As if you had any magic at all. And you also depended rather frequently on your little rainbow rod. Seriously Lightning, shut the fuck up and die.

Wild Trotter: What Chaossorcerer said. *still drinking the bleepka*



Everyone began to feel that Lightning was right. Luna stood tall and proud… She was powerful enough, and she never even had an element of harmony.



DiStort: Pfft. Like she needs one. Luna just needs to make one good D’AWWW face, and reality bends to her will.

Drizzel: Double pfft, Pinkie Pie bends reality on a regular basis.



Twilight remembered all the spells she learned to master on her own as well.

One by one, everyone was beginning to realize the truth. Even those who didn't have battle magic, like Brain and Abra, were starting to feel different.



Svensvenderson: Um, what about the ones without any magic? Say, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Fluttershy? Pinkie, you can break the fourth wall, so you have powers.

Pinkie: Yeppie deppy, I sure do!

DiStort: Hey, Pinkie, am I still not allowed to borrow Mecha Pinkie Pie? I promise not to break it. Much.

Pinkie: Sure you can, Di! Just bring it back with a full tank of sugar!



That's when everyone began to glow, and feel the magic running through them. "Wow…! This feels so… so…" Pinkie just couldn't find the words.

"I feel like I could circle the whole universe." cried Rainbow Dash.

"I feel the power…

Like I could crush a tower." said Rhymey.

Lightning smiled at everyone, and then they all turned to gaze at the two warring ones in the sky. Titan took a big swing at The Ruler, but missed, and allowed The Ruler to strike him hard with the scepter, forcing him back hard.

"It is time…!" said The Ruler as it held the scepter high, and it began to glow with the most mystical glow ever. The Ruler recited a magical chant…

"Cosmic powers, hear my call

Come forth now, and make evil fall

Nevermore will darkness reign,

Let peace and harmony replace the pain

Now let be finished what has begun

And through the darkness shall light now run

Let hope shimmer and burden so bright…

I summon forth the… MYSTIC LIGHT…!"



Svensvenderson: One lame Green Lantern oath wannabe later...



The scepter glowed brighter and brighter as the most powerful of magical light began to pulsate from it. The Ruler whirled the scepter round and around many times, poised it at Titan, and fired the biggest energy force straight at him.



Chaossorcerer: Hey, Sailor Moon just called. She wants money for using her choreography.

Anon13: I assume she meant you, she just said “That bitch”.



"No…!" roared Titan as he stuck out his huge hands and held the force back with his own strength preventing it from going any further. It was totally unbelievable,



DiStort: I know! My stupid meter is short-circuiting!



all that power and Titan was still managing to stay strong, much to The Ruler's outrage and shock, but it kept on firing the beam, but it didn't move at all.

Titan also laughed hard and maliciously "Even you if you defeat me now… I returned once before… AND I SHALL CONTINUE TO LIVE ON… FOREVER…!" He was hinting that he would only perform the same trick he did last time, and was quite confident that he would survive.

"Think again, Titan…!" called a voice from down below.



Isphone: It was Satan. Seeing that this fic had no chance for redemption, he grabbed it for personal reading.



"Huh?" Titan looked below and saw Lightning and Twilight standing on top of a rock pile. Both were glowing madly, and so were all their friends behind them, and in the sky… Krysta and all her fairies had conjured the biggest portal anyone though imaginable which showed all the other Equestrians, and Unicornicopians in the Safe Dimension… all were glowing, and showing their true powers by believing in themselves, their friends and loved ones… and especially, believing in the power to destroy Titan for good!



Svensvenderson: You know what unfounded belief in yourself is? Arrogance. I’m just throwing that out there.



"Titan…! This is goodbye!" shouted Lightning.

"From all of us!" added Twilight.



DiStort: “Don’t worry, we’ll send you a really nice card and a gift basket.”

Anon13: “Oh, who are we kidding, we won’t miss you in the least.”



"No…!" shouted Titan as the army of creatures launched their power into a second extremely powerful beam that crashed right into him.



Drizzel: FIRING ORBITAL FRIENDSHIP CANNON

Chaossorcerer: You foals. Don’t cross the streams!



Titan could feel his inner magical body beginning to break up. "NO…! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING…!" he shouted as he felt the two forces shoving him out into Dimensional Space, straight for the Dimension of Darkness, and shouting his final words "CURSE YOU…! CURSE… YOU… ALL!"



Isphone: KAAAAAHHN!

Chaossorcerer: Titan: Curse you, Perry the platypus!

Wild Trotter: And I thought Chapter 12 from Past Sins was bad... *chugging more bleepka*

Anon13: “Hey, we’ve been in this fic. You can suck on your ‘curses’, we’ve survived the worst.”



He burst right through the dimensional barrier, and crashed into his world so hard with the mystical light, the entire dimension exploded into dust, and was completely wiped out from existence and with it, all the evil that ever came and possibly would come from it.



Chaossorcerer: My little unicorn: Believing is genocide!

Svensvenderson: Until the sequel, anyway.

Drizzel: (slap) Don't say such things!

Crazy56U: (shoots Sven) ...why must you torment us?



Everyone cheered in such joy and a seemingly never-ending cry of victory, but the dimension they were in began to quiver and shake. It was ready to blow. "Everyone, quick!" cried Krysta "Into the portal!"

"Whoa…!" cried Spike as he was nearly engulfed by a fiery burst. "You don't have to tell me twice." Then he and everyone else hastily jumped through the portal, but Lightning and Twilight stopped when they realized Grand Celestial Ruler was just remaining where it was, not even moving. "Hey…!" called Twilight "Come with us…!"

The Ruler did not move, and just gazed at her and Lightning. "Don't leave us…!" shouted Lightning. The Ruler still did not move.

"Hurry you two!" cried Krysta.

"Not without them!" cried Twilight, but she and Lightning were soon dragged into the portal by their friends. Krysta followed them, closing the portal behind her as the remains of the kingdom went up in a massive flame, and just like Unicornicopia, it was reduced to a burning baron wasteland.



Svensvenderson: Barren, you ignorant buck, it’s BARREN!

Anon13: Mykan’s had noble titles on the brain ever since he was crowned the Duke of Dumb.



…

In the Safe Dimension everyone could see the explosions with their own eyes, they were all just completely devastated, not just by the fact that the kingdom was destroyed, but there was no sign of The Grand Celestial Ruler.

Twilight and Lightning fell on their bottoms and their heads drooped downward.

"Princess… Celestia!" sobbed Twilight.



Crazy56U: Twilight: “Why-y-y-y?! (sobs) Why did you take the easy way out of this cra-a-a-ap?!”

Svensvenderson: The easy way would have been killing herself as soon as she appeared.



"Grand Ruler…! Why…?" growled Lightning.

Just then, there was a bright flash of light, followed by a voice saying, "There is no need to grieve."

Everyone gazed up and saw Grand Celestial Ruler appear in the skies alive and well as it did have the power to do pretty much anything.

Everyone cheered for joy again. Titan and his evil demons were gone, and hopefully soon forgotten. They would never threaten the Dimensional Universe again. However, both the Equestrians kingdom and Unicorns' had been virtually demolished and were now in ruin.

"We have no place to live now." cried Pinkie Pie.

A lot of the ponies felt very upset, and few began to cry, but The Ruler assured them that not all was lost. The cost of victory was high, but there was still hope.

"Do you know why I was able to emerge and defeat Titan?"



Svensvenderson: No, and nopony cares! JUST END IT!



Nobody seemed to have the answer to that, except for Lightning. "Is it because of our believing? Our faith…?"

The Ruler nodded and explained it did not beat Titan alone. "We all did this together. Every single one of you helped out in a great way,



DiStort: “Or at least that’s what I’m legally required to say by the worker’s union.”



and while the cost of victory was high, all is not completely lost."

What it was hinting was that although the two kingdoms had been destroyed, there was still hope to start over, "Just trust and believe, and together… we can all piece together what we have lost."



Svensvenderson: You are going to need a lot of superglue.

DiStort: And duct tape. Duct tape can fix bucking ANYTHING.



Everyone decided to try and, and all at once made a full circle around the entire dimension, joining hoofs, and claws together with The Ruler in the very center. It raised its scepter up high as everyone shunt their eyes and looked deep inside and focussed on everything.

All at once, everyone began to glow as their believing… their faith… everything pure that they could feel flowed from their bodies in small beams of soft light that slowly moved towards the tip of The Ruler's scepter, and two mystical beams shot out towards the dead kingdoms out in Dimensional Space and broke them up into tiny specks of light which began to hover all around the Safe Dimension.

It was like a twister of light and colors as the dimension began to expand and transform. All the towns and villages from both kingdoms began to reform, only better than before with combinations of the two lands.

All the lakes, plains, meadows, valleys, cites, and mountains… It was all coming back, together. All three dimensions and reformed and were restored as one, whole new world. When all was done, the last bit of magic had separated The Ruler back into Celestia and Grand Ruler.

The two rulers stood tall and proud as they faced their friends and subjects…

…It was time for a new beginning.



DiStort: Hopefully, with a new ending not far off.



Author's note:

There's an Epilogue coming too

And Don't any of you get any rude ideas into your heads.



Crazy56U: (pets shot gun like a cat) TOO. LATE.

Svensvenderson: *eye twitch* Just let it end!



I've seen fusions like that lots of times, even between male and female. It's happened before.



DiStort: Is that supposed to make it less stupid?



EPILOUGE

This new world was now known as United-Equestria…



Svensvenderson: Just when I think this fanfic can’t get any lower, I am constantly proven wrong.



It was a place for all creatures of many kinds, and where friendship, harmony, and believing reigned over all, and it was all shared under the rule of Celestia, Celesto, and Luna.



Svensvenderson: That has to be a awkward throne room.



They would all equally rule the kingdom together and were nicknamed The Royal Trio.



DiStort: Way to horde in on a foreign government, GR. Hope you’re proud of yourself.



In this new world, everyone would learn to appreciate, understand, and help one another as more peaceful and mannered kingdom… but they would still rise up against evil were any new threats to occur.



Wild Trotter: I’d rather take my chances with taking on Deathbringer Thanatos’ First-Person Shooter baddie hordes all by myself, thank you very much! *chugging one last bleepka bottle*



Celesto didn't mind being called by his real name any longer, but he still held tight to his royal title.



Svensvenderson: You can’t just decide you’re royalty. You’re an Equestrian schmuck who got lucky. Admit it.



Both he and Celestia were very proud of their students, Twilight and Lightning, and knew that they would both grow well, strong, and wise.

As for the unicornicopians, this was a chance to start a new life, and learn to enjoy more things instead of worrying about battling evil all the time, while at the same time, the Equestrians would learn the way of the warrior for should any new threats ever occur, however, cuite-marks and identification numbers were still necessary to help tell each other apart from others…



Svensvenderson: I can’t possibly see how something like that could backfire.

Chaossorcerer: Equestrians can tell each other apart even without Cutie Marks. Why? Cause they actually look all unique in some way. Your unicorns on the other hand are out of the gen lab.

Anon13: Not to mention the Equestrians actually having distinct personalities worth remembering.



Still, everyone now had new homes, new lives…



DiStort: I give it about a year before the Equestrians are reduced completely to a slave class by the Unicornicopians and GR orders a hit on Celestia and Luna.

Drizzel: I give it a week till the ponies discover that the Unicornicopians suck and eradicate them with friendship.



Buddy Rose lived with Applejack and her family on the farms. His gardening skills were very useful, and he was a big help during apple-buck season.

Artie was now busier than ever with his paintings and sculptures, but he loved to share his gift with others, and in turn, teach them how to create art themselves. Rarity was just entranced by his art,



DiStort: In the same way one is entranced by a car accident.



though sometimes she would offer a few… rather strange suggestions, and would sometimes lead them into a small squabble, but they always made up in the end, appreciating one another for having their own style and sense of art.

Fluttershy was now Dr. Penny's assistant, but she still operated from home, and still spent most of her time taking care of other animals.

Rhymey was a constant visitor and the two of them seemed to be warming up nicely to each other.



DiStort: If you so much as breathe on Fluttershy, I will personally eviscerate you with a rusty steak knife.



Rhymey even wrote a few poems about her, and helped her out with her animal friends.

Cookie opened a new restaurant that became just as famous as his old one. Pinkie Pie



DiStort: Did the universe a favor and turned him into a cupcake before he could do the same to anyone else.



was always very giddy and excited whenever she ate there.



Svensvenderson: Pinkie Pie is always giddy and excited. That doesn’t really mean anything.



Brain became a teacher at Pony College, but he still kept mostly to himself, always trying to invent new things that would come in use.

Abra Kadabra was still a magician and even one of Trixie's rivals now. Everyone seemed to prefer Abra to her because he was nicer, and more polite than big mouthed, bragging like rude Trixie was. This often resulted in them having magical contests to see who was better than whom, yet they both seemed to be equally as good as the other.



Wild Trotter: And yet, Abra’d find us readers siding with Trixie instead. *hic*

Chaossorcerer: Once more, the "male" is superior to the female.

Anon13: Mykan's issues. Mykan’s all issues.



Dyno and Myte were still miners,



Svensvenderson: They aren’t 18 yet?

Isphone: No. They’re just doing their community service in a salt mine.



but also became executive construction workers. They built many buildings, homes, schools, even playgrounds for the foals



DiStort: All of which were built extremely poorly and collapsed, killing several innocents in the process.



, and obstacle courses for training which Rainbow Dash couldn't seem to get enough of. "This is so much fun…!" she would always yell with joy as she played.

Starla ran a daycare center near the library where Inquerious now worked. It was fun playing with all the little foals and teaching them how to read, even though Inquerious still spoke constantly in questions.



DiStort: Irritating the children to no end.



Twilight and Lightning were now in a shared apprenticeship with their two mentors. Celestia was teaching Lightning more about friendship and harmony, and how to live life outside of the battlefield, while Celesto would teach Twilight, and often her friends about the ways of the warrior, and how not always to rely on magic to get simple things done.



Chaossorcerer: Newsflash: Twilight can do things as well without constantly using her magic. Even better: She knows how to defeat enemies without relying on moves from Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball.



While they were learning these things, Spike and Krysta would often amuse themselves by playing cards, chess, or checkers…



Svensvenderson: It’s sad when sidekicks have to amuse themselves.



Spike didn't seem to have knack for playing against a fairy though.

"Ha!" he would remark "I have three queens. What do you have?"



DiStort: A fist larger than your entire body.



"Four kings." Krysta would simply say.

"Not again…!" Spike would groan. "She does this every time."

Krysta would giggle.



Wild Trotter: Until her hourglass figure would blimp up outta nowhere, and then Spike would either be in hysterics...or perhaps shocked.



…

One night a Grand Galloping Gala was held, not only to celebrate the beginning of United-Equestria, but the marriage of Celestia and Celesto. After over a-thousand years, their dream



Svensvenderson: Our nightmare.

Drizzel: Or daymare or nightdream or-

Pinkamina: Stop! For the love of Celestia! Stop!



had come true. It was one of the most magical things that everyone would cherish forever. Pinkie and Rarity couldn't stop blubbering though Rarity seemed to be blubbering more over the beautiful wedding outfits that she had designed.



Wild Trotter: Hopefully, this’ll all be a bad dream for the Equestrians, even for Discord and Nightmare Moon. *hic*



Luna was very happy too to have Celesto as a brother,



Wild Trotter: Brother-in-law, you mean... Buuuuuuut I digress.



and he was happy to have her as a sister too. He never had siblings before, and it felt very wonderful.

At the ball, everyone feasted like they were all royalty, and they all dances, and sang, and had a most magical evening.



DiStort: Methinks someone spiked the punch.



Celestia and Celesto even shared their first dance as a married couple to the same song they sang years ago the first time they danced… "Wonderful you"

Soon everyone was dancing with someone…

Fluttershy danced with Rhymey wonderfully



DiStort: Can I please just step on him?



; more graceful than the first night Rhymey had come.

But outside on a Terrace, Starla was gazing out at the stars when Lightning came and extended his hoof to her. "Starla Shine… may have this dance?" he asked tenderly. She accepted, and the danced on the terrace under the moonlight and stars.

"Starla…?" he asked her near the end of the dance.

"Yeah…?"

They were gazing deeply into each other's eyes. "I… I've wanted to ask you… something special for a long time, but I… well… I just…"



Svensvenderson: “You’re standing on my hoof.”



Starla just closed her eyes and softly pursed her lips at him. Lightning hesitated at first, but finally moved in closer gently pressing his lips against hers.

A lot of the ponies could see them from the ballroom, even Celestia and Celesto. They all smiled. "Way to go, Lightning." Krysta said to herself. "I knew you could do it."



Wild Trotter: I’ll accept the riffception thing as the true ending to this mess.

DiStort: Second that.

Crazy56U: Third.

Drizzel: NOW DIANE!

*Drizzel and Pinkimina jump out and gun down all the unicopians and the GR. They are rewarded with medals of honor and everyone cheers.*

THE BUCKING END



MY LITTLE UNICORN MAGIC IS BELIEVING

Starring the Voices



Anon13: in Mykan’s head.



of…

Greg Cipes as Lightning Dawn:

(Me, myself) as Grand Ruler-Celesto/Brain/Abra Kadabra



Wild Trotter: Me as myself, albeit very unwillingly.

Svensvenderson: The amount of ass he had to kiss to get those parts is embarrassing.



Matt Hill as Buddy Rose

Bob Stutt as Rhymey

Brian Donavan as Artie/ Dyno & Myte

Ashley Johnson as Starla Shine

Yuri Lowenthal as Cookie Dough

Andrea Libman as Krysta

Cathy Weseluck as Inquerious

Tony Daniels as Titan/ Mysterious

Kirsten Bishop as Dementia

David Lodge as Rep Stallion

John De Lancie as Serpent-Tyrant



Crazy56U: … ...WHY?!?!?

Wild Trotter: Q and Discord are REALLY not amused!



Additional Voices…

(Me again)

Jeff Hyslop

Michael Lloyd

Roger Bart

Debbie Lytton

Author's notes:

UGH! Finally...! Whew!

There might only MIGHT one day be a sequal to this...



Crazy56U: (pops a blood vessel) ...I...I...I... ...I’m going to go lay d-down... now...

Svensvenderson: No, no, a thousand times NO!



but at least I finally got what I wanted.



Anon13: Medication?



I am... OUTTA HERE!



Wild Trotter: Good riddance, Mykan. I wholeheartedly hope that, one day, your raging ego comes back to bite you in the ass so hard, even David Gonterman would facepalm at you like he did at a certain someone who shall remain nameless.



Isphone: What? You’re not going to name the medical staff who brought me out of the coma this induced?



DiStort: Ugh, I need an ice pack. And some oil for the Thunder Megazord.



Svensvenderson: I know Wild did an earlier The Reason You Suck Speech, but I have to reiterate. Mykan, your characters are lifeless and one dimensional. Grand Ruler is such a blatant Mary Sue that it insults the intelligence of those unfortunate enough to read this exercise in inanity. Your plots are boring, and predictable. Every attempt at drama is undermined by the fact that you pull dei ex machina out left, right, and center. The pacing is terrible. Characters disappear and reappear as if only to remind the reader that they exist. Your originality is nonexistent. Good writers will take elements from previous works, and build on them, or use them in a new manner. You just rip off superior works in an attempt to cover for your lack of talent. You couldn’t proofread if your life depended on it. Spell check won’t bite you, I promise. If you don’t like what people say about your stories, fine; but deleting every negative review while keeping the positive ones shows you have the maturity of a 5 year old. Refusing to move on from events in life doesn’t show your dedication, is shows how pathetic you are. In conclusion Mykan, you are a terrible writer and a terrible person. Get help, grow up, and move on.



Anon13: Let me throw in... the rationale (using the term VERY loosely) for even putting this fic together is ridiculous.

You heard about FiM, like many of us... and decided it wasn’t for you. Not particularly smart, but not unexpected. Then you kept hearing about it, maybe saw a little bit... and, instead of just saying “Eh, not my thing” and moving on, decided the entire friendship thing was an affront to your very personhood and responded by creating this … brainfart given flesh that both is and isn’t a fanfic and definitely isn’t of any literary merit.

And the ultimate in bizarre... you’ve created a cliche-ridden horribly-penned pile of unappealing characters and ridiculous plots... in other words, a near perfect anti-FiM. You couldn’t have come up with a better troll if you’d tried, and had the Onion writers and a pile of meth helping you out... and yet, you actually believe this is good!

That is the part that utterly floors me. It’s the Pointy-Haired Boss principle writ huge, absolute proof that incompetents operate on a completely different plane of existence than the rest of humanity. If we’re all lucky, some time in the future you’ll be the subject of at least one Ph.D. thesis or similar study that becomes the basis of curing and eliminating whatever it is that causes this kind of thing, for the sake of all of humanity.

To paraphrase Billy Madison: “What you've written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent prose were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may Celestia--the real Celestia--have mercy on your soul.”



Isphone: And now to quote some pirates:

“We wrapped 'em all in a mains'l tight

With twice ten turns of a hawser's bight

and we heaved 'em over and out of sight

With a Yo-heave-ho! And a fare-You-Well

And a sullen plunge in the sullen swell

Ten fathoms deep on the road to Hell

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!”



Wild Trotter: I like to throw in one last thing: As pointed out earlier, if your villains are the only characters that I even remotely root for, your writing has pretty much shot itself in the foot...which is only putting it nicely. If you really can’t grow up Mykan, then obviously...you’re pretty much a lost cause. I’m done, goodbye.



DiStort: And you smell bad.



Drizzel: And thus this horrible story draws to an end. We thank everyone who stuck out to the end no matter how hairy it got. So in conclusion goodbye, farewell and amen.



* * *





Chapter 4

Distant Storm Clouds



Crazy56U: B-but the Weather Channel said it was going to be sunny! (sad face)

Anon13: Isn’t that a Rush album?



===================



Twilight stepped down the stairs of the library, having just tucked Nyx into bed. The filly was exhausted, falling asleep almost as quickly as her head had hit the pillow.



Stars: The pills didn’t hurt either.

Lightsideluc: It helped that the pillow was filled with bricks.

Vimbert: She repeatedly attacked the bricks with her face.

Anon13: That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.



Down in the library’s main floor all of her friends had gathered, as well as Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders.



simonAJ: Very important to make the distinction between "friends" and "Spike".

Anon13: It's official: Spike is Zoidberg.



Twilight was touched by how worried her friends had been, but she offered them a gentle smile.



Ezn: “Gentle smiles! Get your gentle smiles here! Smiles fresh off the faces of happy ponies!”



“She’s okay, just tired. I just put her to bed.”



Disco: “Chloroform never fails.”



The breath that was being held by everypony was exhaled at once,



Anon13: “Damn! Who had onions for lunch?”

Ezn: So Spell Nexus DOES give breathing lessons to fillies...



the tension in the room dissipating. Twilight embodied this release in tension



Crazy56U: Well, this isn't being rated PG now.



by dropping to her haunches,



Ezn: Nah, too easy.



taking a deep breath. It had been a long several hours...



Ezn: Sixty long minute-length minutes in each of them!



but Nyx was back and safe. No worse for wear... mostly.



Disco: Aside from the traumatic flashback and anguish.

Svensvenderson: Nyx'll get over the PTSD sooner or later.



“Well, this has been fun but I am exhausted.”



Lightsideluc: Hello Exhausted. You look an awful lot like Rarity, Exhausted.



Rarity offered. “I hope you don’t mind Twilight, but I’m going to take Sweetie Belle home.”



CTOONfan1: Mind? I’ll pop the champagne!



“No, I don’t mind. I know you are all tired and Nyx is safe now.



Ezn: “We’ll get her someday...”



You should all go home and get some rest.”



“You sure you don’t want some of us to stay?”



“No, I couldn’t ask you to do that. You all dropped everything to help me find Nyx...



Svensvenderson: "Could you clean that up? I'm OCD about that."



I couldn’t make you stay now that she’s safe.”



Vimbert: Counterpoint: telekinesis.



“Well shoot, Sugarcube, that’s what friends are for. You’d do the same if Apple Bloom went missing.”



Vimbert: “For a filthy earth pony? Oh, your lowborn humor is so ADORABLE!”



“Or Sweetie Belle.”



“Or Gummy!”



Disco: Scootaloo would die alone.

Vimbert: As it should be.



“I know. Still, I can’t thank you all enough. I was... I was really worried about her.”



CTOONfan1: What if I no longer had my excuse to go to Chuck E. Cheese?



“It wouldn’t be right if you weren’t concerned; you obviously care about that cousin of yours.”



Ezn: “You care about her in the way only a canon character can care about a Mary-Sue.”



Applejack said, starting to head for the door. “Still, Twi’s right. We all should be in bed, includin’ three certain fillies that have school in the morning.”



“Awww.... but we want to stay and make sure Nyx is okay.” Apple Bloom whined.



Svensvenderson: Having taken lessons from Rarity.

Ezn: “Very thoroughly.”



“No dice Apple Bloom.



Lightsideluc: Applebloom rolled a critical failure on her bluff.



You got school in the mornin’. You can come and check on Nyx after class.”



“The same goes for you Sweetie Belle.” Rarity added, looking at the smaller white unicorn.



CTOONfan1: “You’re going to Applejack’s too!”



“We need to get you home and into bed.”



“And I know your mother’s got to be worried, Scootaloo.” Twilight said.



Ezn: Scoot: “Really?!”

Twilight: “Nah, just messing with you, kid.”



“Oh no! My mom is going to flip out!” The orange pegasus realized.



Anon13: Or do a barrel roll!

Ezn: “It’s going to be my first birthday all over again...”



“Hey, don’t worry Kid, I’ve got you covered.” Rainbow Dash said



Ezn: to somepony named Kid, ignoring Scootaloo entirely.



, giving Scootaloo a noogie. “I know your mom.



Hellioning: Biblically.



How about I fly you home and explain everything?”



“Wow, you’d really do that?”



“Hey, you stayed here just to make sure Nyx came home safe. That’s a kind of loyalty I can appreciate.”



Ezn: “It’s not one of those other bogus kinds of loyalty to non-Mary-Sues.”



Dash said, landing on the ground, and motioning for to her back.



Ezn: The strangely-named dance sensation that’s sweeping the nation!

Vimbert: She’s bringin’ back... back?

Hellioning: For to her back... what? What should to her back do?

Anon13: Well, it definitely shouldn’t front. (rimshot)



“Now, get up here before we worry your mom. I’ll talk to her.”



Anon13: And probably scare her to death.



Scootaloo grinned ear to ear,



Ezn: “You wanna know how I got this grin?”



more than eager to accept Dash’s offer of a flight home. With that, the mass of ponies



Ezn: Being equal to the energy of ponies over the speed of a rainboom squared.



filtered out of the room,



Vimbert: Nothing like a good filtration system to rid the air of unwanted characters.



Twilight offering good nights



Bravetriforcer: The ungrateful bastards wouldn't take any of them, though.

Ezn: “Buy two good nights and get a gentle smile free!”

Anon13: Meanwhile, for a little more, Rarity offered a GREAT night.



and thank you’s



Bravetriforcer: You is so ungrateful for refusing my good night.



as she watched everypony leave.



She then shut the door to the library, letting out an exhausted sigh



CTOONfan1: Talking is tiresome. So much more than reading.



as she began to head for the stairs. She was dead



Ezn: And then Nyx was an orphan! Her Sue levels have gone critical!



tired and starving, but she was too tired to eat. So, she’d just wait for Spike’s big breakfast



CTOONfan1: she ordered him to make



in the morning.



KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK...



Anon13: Hey, sound guy’s back!

Disco: And this time, it’s personal!

Ezn: Who’s there?

Crazy56U: Thank God it isn't four knocks; Doctor Whooves would've had a fit.



Twilight turned, eyeing her front door



Ezn: “Oh door, you so fine!”

Vimbert: “You so fine you blow my mind! Hey door!”

Lightsideluc: Sorry guys, the door doesn’t swing that way.



as she debated opening it.



Svensvenderson: "My opponent fails to understand the severity of opening the door..."



Still, her more courteous nature got the better of her,



Ezn: “I’ll be good, courteous nature! I will! Just don’t slap me with your white glove again!”



the unicorn turning as she magically opened the door.



Vimbert: “Spike, I told you to get rid of our guest! Why is she still here?”



“That’s her Daddy.”



Anon13: No, no, it’s “Who’s your daddy?” Get your taunts straight!

Ezn: Twilight’s secret birth gender, revealed at last!

Disco: I knew it!

Vimbert: TwilightxSpell Nexus OTP



Twilight’s eyes hardened as she saw Diamond Tiara standing on her doorstep,



Ezn: Eyeboner?

Bravetriforcer: I was going to say "Too easy," but then I realized I had mis-read the sentence



this time accompanied by an older stallion. He had grayish violet mane and a complementary grayed red tone for his coat. He was substantially sized, not as big as Big Macintosh but substantial



Disco: So he’s Little Mac?

Vimbert: And suddenly Fallout: Equestria happened. THE END



and he had a cutie mark of a jeweled necklace and jeweler’s eyepiece.



CTOONfan1 He was mocked royally for it in elementary school.



His azure eyes were turned down



Vimbert: Over and over by the other eyes, leading to an inferiority complex.



in a hard glare set directly upon a certain purple unicorn.



Ezn: Sparkler, how’d you get into Twilight’s library?



“Can I help you?” Twilight asked.



“You certainly can. My daughter says you threatened to turn her into a cactus!



Eclipse: Why didn't you go through with it ?!

Stars: Yes. If you don't follow things up, Twilight, people will stop believing you.

RLYoshi: "Why would you not follow through with it?! Now I have to put up with her constant complaining!"

RingmasterJ5: “I DEMAND you change your threat to a much more fitting plant! Like a venus fly trap, for example!”



I will not stand to have my child threatened, and I expect a full apology or I’m going to the authorities.”



Disco: Turning ponies into plants is a heinous crime!

Vimbert: Poor Fluttershy will never have her forbidden wish fulfilled.



Twilight’s eyebrow furrowed, the unicorn stepping so she was directly in front of the stallion, her eyes locked on his as she glared him down.



“Now you listen here;



Vimbert: “TAKE ME, YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST”



your daughter sent Nyx into the Everfree Forest alone. Into a place where she could have gotten hurt, lost, or even



CTOONfan1: Trampled by annoyed bronies!



eaten!”



Ezn: “And what’s worst, none of those things happened!”

CTOONfan1: I still think bronies are the more feared opponent.



“It isn’t my fault this Nyx doesn’t know any better.



Ezn: “The other Nyxs, however...”

Crazy56U: Yes, tell Twilight it's Nyx's fault; that will end well!



I’ve made sure my daughter knew the Everfree Forest was dangerous;



Ezn: “Back when she was able to know things, and before the forest stopped being dangerous.”



maybe you should consider doing the same.”



Anon13: For starters, stop calling it the Happy Happy Fun Zone.



“Diamond Tiara still put Nyx in danger, and not accidentally.



Ezn: “You must be SO PROUD!”



She did it on purpose; she even gave Nyx a map and drew a line



Ezn: On her face



so she would get



Ezn: Mocked for being a zebra.



lost in the deepest part of the forest.”



Disco: She also stole cookies!

Lightsideluc: Forty of them!

Anon13: And that’s terrible.



“A likely story. Let me guess: Nyx told you that. Well, she is lying. My little angel



Eclipse: No! No new toylines!

RingmasterJ5: Well, at least it’s not “My Little Unicorn”.

Crazy56U: Who said anything about a new toy line? Maybe it's foreshadowing the inevitable MLP/Buffy crossover?

Vimbert: My little blasphemy, my little blasphemy... AHHHH~



wouldn’t do anything to endanger one of her fellow classmates.”



Ezn: “Filly classmates though... yeah, I see your point.”



“Nyx has no reason to lie to me, unlike your daughter who has every motivation to not tell the truth.



Crazy56U: Like a politician. ZING!



On top of that, from what I’ve heard, your daughter is nothing but a bully, and you are doing no favors protecting her from the consequence of her actions.



“So, let me make this crystal clear.”



Svensvenderson: "No, Crystal Clear is my wife."



Twilight continued, her voice getting low as she stood on the tips of her hooves,



Ezn: Being careful not to stand in her voice



trying to make her eyes as level with the stallions as possible.



Ezn: “Maybe I should have listened to that optometrist. Double vision is weird.”



“If she does anything like this to Nyx again, being turned into a cactus will be the least of her concerns.”



Bravetriforcer: Because threatening a child's life to their father's face is the best solution to this problem.



“Who do you think you are, threatening my family like this? I am a respected member of this community!”



Disco: “I draw tons of fan art!”

RingmasterJ5: “Sorry, clop doesn’t count.”



“And I’m the unicorn that beat a Ursa Minor bare hoofed and also the unicorn who is Princess Celestia's private pupil! So, if you really want to push your luck, I’d be happy to take this outside. Otherwise, get out of my library!”



Anon13: “These stacks ain’t big enough for the two of us!”

CTOON: Whoa! Shit just got REAL.



The stallion swallowed at this, his conviction wavering.



Svensvenderson: “Not guilty! No, wait; guilty!”



There was a tense moment where Twilight began to worry she might have to actually “take this outside”, but the stallion followed, taking a step back in defeat.



Ezn: “Fine, you’ve won. I’ll take this lousy step off your hooves.”



“Da... Daddy, what are you doing?”



“We’re going home Diamond Tiara, and when we get there you are grounded.”



Anon13: Until you learn to only threaten ponies that can’t hit back!



“What!? For how long?”



Disco: FORRRREVVVVERRR!



“Indefinitely!” The father snapped back, he and the young bully walking down the street.



Ezn: (carefully stepping over stray comma splices as they went)



Twilight shut the door to the library at this, taking a few slow deep breaths to calm herself.



Ezn: Spell Nexus watched through a window.

Anon13: Breathing heavier than usual.

Crazy56U: STRANGER DANGER!



Finally, her anger broke



Bravetriforcer: KRAC-CROOO-OOOM!

Ezn: They just don’t make emotions like they used to...



and Twilight felt a cool wave of calmness flow over her,



Crazy56U: Actually, that's from the brownies she ate earlier.



allowing the unicorn to regain her composure.



“Whoa... that was pretty scary, Twilight.” Spike offered,



Ezn: Free with every can of thank-you!



the baby dragon having stood at the back of the library,



Blahdeblah: Like a good little slave.



keeping out of the fight. “I’ve never heard you pull rank like that, using your position as Celestia’s student to threaten somepony.”



Ezn: “Completely out-of-character, wasn’t it?”



“Yeah... and Celestia wouldn’t be happy if she found out I did.”



DiStort: "Fuck the moon, she'd send me straight to Pluto for that one."



“Hey, my lips are sealed. Personally, I think you should have turned him into a cactus just to prove a point.”



Hellioning: No pun intended, Spike?

Ezn: “The point being that cacti are cool.”

Crazy56U: Nope, fezzes are cool. Cacti are just pointy.



“No... that wouldn’t have helped at all.



RingmasterJ5: Of course it would! Turn him into a cactus, then push cactus-him onto his daughter. There, both your problems are solved.

Disco: The library could use some new decor.



Still, I can’t believe that little filly actually sent Nyx into the Everfree Forest. I mean, what was she thinking?”



Disco: She wanted to save us from the rest of the story.

Vimbert: Suddenly, I find myself liking her much more.



“Couldn’t tell you; I don’t make it a habit trying to understand bullies.” Spike replied, yawning as he glanced at the clock. “Well, it’s late. I’m surprised Owlowiscious hasn’t come in yet.



Crazy56U: Owlowiscious confirmed for existing in this story.



He’s usual-”



“Hoo.”



Spike jumped, spinning around to see the horned owl was sitting on top of a nearby book shelf.



“Seriously, we need to tie a bell on you. You’re like a ninja owl or something.”



Disco: Pirate owls are out of the question.



“Hoo.” The owl replied in his usual fashion.



“You.”



“Hoo.”



“You, I’m talking about you!”



“Hoo.”



“I’m... you know what, no... I’m not getting into that with you.”



Bravetriforcer: Even though you already did just now, but whatever.



Spike said, heading towards the staircase.



Anon13: You’re missing out on a comedy classic, but OK.

Ezn: In a scene cut from the final story, Spike and Owlowiscious launch into a soulful duet of a classic Who song.

Anon13: Idiot-ball Wizard?



“I’m going to bed. Night Twilight.”



Ezn: Afternoon Midday Morning Dawn! This is a fun game!



“Good night, Spike.” The unicorn replied, watching her assistant climb the steps. She then turned to look at Owlowiscious, the owl titling his head a little bit expectantly.



DiStort: "Where's my sandwich, woman?"

Ezn: A little bit curiously, a little bit excitedly, and a little bit enigmatically! This guy’s a gamut of emotion!



“Sorry Owlowiscious, but I’m really tired. It’s been a long day.



CTOONfan1: I counted. I'm sure there were at least 24 hours!



I hope you don’t mind if I just go to bed too.”



Ezn: “That, and owls aren’t one of my many kinks.”

Vimbert: “The princess hasn’t taught me that yet.”



“Hoo.” Was all the owl replied, taking flight.



Ezn: No way.



He swooped around the room, grabbing a book of a shelf.



Anon13: “The Shelf, an Intimate Exploration” by Horizontal Surface.

RingmasterJ5: From the same series as “Outdoor Tables: 1,001 Uses for That Hole in the Middle”.

Ezn: I do so enjoy Horizontal Surface’s thought-evoking prose. That passage on proper varnishing had me in tears.

Disco: Truly the furniture epic of the ages.



He then dropped the book on a reading table,



Ezn: “tl;dr”



the pages flipping open as the owl too landed, bending over as he began to read. This made Twilight



Ezn: very angry. What kind of monster bends the pages of books?



giggle a little, happy to see the owl was able to keep himself busy at night,



Disco: Binging on Appledash shipfics.

Vimbert: At least it’s not this story.



even when the unicorn wasn’t up late studying.



CTOONfan1: Whoa whoa whoa! You don't stay up late to study ALL the time?

Hellioning: It's as if you have more then one personality trait!



Leaving Owlowiscious to his reading, Twilight climbed her way to the library's second floor.



Ezn: The staircase was out-of-order; Twilight hadn’t fixed it because the climbing kept her fit.



Spike had already curled up in bed and shut off the light, the only light in the room coming from the moon through the window. It was enough light for Twilight to cross the room without any trouble.



Ezn: Luna’s a friggin’ bro.



Next to Twilight’s larger bed was a smaller bed, which she had purchased for Nyx.



Ezn: Kinky.

WhileItsStillFunny: She purchased the Tails Doll, which resulted in several deaths. She knew that "Toys R' Evil" wasn't a nice place...

Crazy56U: Aw, but that giraffe seemed so promising...



Still, the filly was not there, instead curled up on top the covers of Twilight’s bed.



DiStort: Better get the spray bottle.

Stars: That's for cats and dogs, get the whip.



The unicorn had been trying to encourage Nyx to sleep in her own bed,



CTOONfan1: You sleep there! DO IT!

Disco: She knew about Nyx’s ticks.



but, after the day they both had, Twilight was more than happy to share her bed.



Anon13: with evil.

Svensvenderson: Incoming slash fics!



Being sure not to wake Nyx, who was sleeping on top of the blanket,



Hellioning: I believe the phrase is "ur doin it rong".

Anon13: Nyx usually sleeps above the covers. Four feet above the covers.

Anonymous: Who you gonna call?

Crazy56U: The priest from "The Exorcist".



Twilight slipped herself slowly beneath the covers. She then used her magic to levitate the blanket off Nyx’s bed, using it to cover the sleeping filly.



Disco: She couldn’t smother her, despite numerous attempts.

Vimbert: WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!



Despite being asleep, Nyx seemed to sense Twilight’s presence.



Ezn: Only seemed to; she was just having nightmares.

Vimbert: “No, I was good today Twilight... I promise...”



She woke up just barely, a sleep walking like state.



Ezn: In her tired haze, she had lost her hyphens.



Blanket hanging of her little body



Crazy56U: Man, even the blankets don't like her.

Ezn: This is great! I would’ve settled for just a regular hanging!

Blahdeblah: Shh! You'll spoil the surprise!



she moved over beside Twilight, lying back down right beside the unicorn in the bed, her little head resting in the crook of Twilight’s neck.



Anon13: Her horn sweetly and gently stabbing Twilight in the carotid.



It was something that brought a smile to Twilight,



Ezn: But just a smile - she sold all the ones with adverbs.



gently nuzzling the sleeping Nyx. Memories of what she had seen in at the ruined castle still lingered in Twilight’s mind,



Ezn: As memories do.



the moment she had seen Nyx with the magically infused mane of Nightmare Moon.



CTOONfan1: It seems we can't go a chapter without that Nightmare Moon thing coming up. Wonder what this means.

Hellioning: I think it means that Diamond Tiara is secretly Nightmare Moon. Hey, it'd be an actually interesting plot twist.



She still didn’t know what that meant,



Disco: Her books didn’t have anything on demonic possession.

Svensvenderson: Her copy of Tobin's Spirit Guide hadn't come yet.

Vimbert: Because she was still using her illogical mind.



but that could wait until morning.



Vimbert: “This could doom all of Equestria! Eh. It can wait until tomorrow.”



At the moment, the pair had both had a long day... and deserved a simple, peaceful night sleep.



Crazy56U: "Night sleep"? ...must be a pony thing.



==============



KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK



Anon13: OK, I think he’s just padding his part by now.

RingmasterJ5: No, that’s the readers banging their heads against the wall.

Ezn: Again, who’s there? I’m getting comedy build-up not hearing the rest of this joke!

CTOONfan1: Stop screaming, I’m coming.

Anon13: TMI, CToon.



A white coated unicorn with a perfectly trimmed and slicked back black mane moved towards the door of a stately manor, magic undoing the locks and gently cracking open the large, elegant doors. Just beyond the doorway was a sleeping Canterlot,



Hellioning: As opposed to all of the awake Canterlots that dotted the countryside.

Ezn: It was a pretty big manor, and belonged to a very prolific thief.



the manor nestled in a part of the capitol populated by the elite of Equestria. Celebrities, politicians, and anypony else that was widely known and very well paid.



Ezn: We’re not even trying to make proper sentences anymore.



The butler pony who answered the door, Proper Etiquette,



Anon13: who vigorously denied he was the brother of Gross Sight Gags,

Ezn: “He’s a half-cousin at best.”



looked out at the three figures now standing in front of the manor.



Svensvenderson: "Nightmare night, what a fright, give us something sweet to bite!"

Ezn: “No solicitors!”



Two pegasi and an earth pony, who currently were dressed very casually... meaning they had nothing on. The very definition of pony casual.



Ezn: If not for this paragraph, I may have assumed they were wearing clown suits.



“Yes?” Proper Etiquette asked, looking over the three guests. “May I help you?”



“Etiquette, just open the freaking door!” The gray pegasus snapped. She was one of those rarer ponies



RingmasterJ5: As opposed to one of those overcooked ones.



that had a mane color very similar to her coat color, the hairs just a few shades darker.



Ezn: They’re like the pony equivalent of gingers.

Anon13: So, they have no souls?

Ezn: No soles either, poor dears. Fortunately they’re usually pegasi.



Her cutie mark was that of a dark gray, swirling tornado.



Ezn: I wonder who this could be.



“Of course Miss Gale.”



Ezn: Mystery solved!



The butler replied,



Ezn: Sadly, his name was not Proper Dialogue Punctuation.



stepping back as he opened the door wide. The three ponies stepped in. The other pegasi was a



Ezn: pair of Siamese twins.



dark purple colored mare with a black mane and a pair of black feathered wings



Ezn: Methinks she’ll be the star of the sequel.

Anon13: Don’t even joke about a sequel to this!

Disco: Past Sins 2: Electric Hoofaloo!

Ezn: Past Sins 2: Electric Hoofaloo: The Wrath of Rustle: In 3D!

DiStort: Directed by Michael Bay.

Crazy56U: Scripted by M. Night Shyamalan. The twist is that Nyx is actually a flower sack!

Hellioning: Shouldn't that me M. Nightmare Shyamalan? Why do you ignore the opportunities for an equine pun?

Crazy56U: That's the second twist!



and some swirling wind lines for a cutie mark. The sole earth pony was a dull clay-red colored stallion with a tall build. His blond mane was cut very short and his cutie mark was a stone wall



Anonymous: Jackson? Wait. We already used that.

CTOONfan1: Wonder who this guy is.

Hellioning: Night Wind?



that looked like castle battlements.



“Sir Spell Nexus is in his study.



DiStort: "Reading teen dream magazine."



I believe you know the way.” Proper Etiquette offered as he shut the manor’s front door.



“Yeah yeah, we know the way.” Gray Gale said, jumping into the air. “But Nexus better have a good reason for calling us like this.”



Ezn: Girls’ night!



“Yes.” Night Wind, the purple pegasi agreed.



Ezn: So was the one twin’s name Night, and the other’s Wind? Were they talking in unison? So many questions!



“Not only is it late but we are trying to lie low after that grand failure



Ezn: in last week’s Limbo Championships.

DiStort: As opposed to that regular failure they had a few weeks ago.

Stars: And that mild failure two days before that.



in the Everfree Forest. The town guard is much more alert



CTOONfan1: They're actually doing their job now.



and is stopping ponies on the street if they run across them this late at night.”



“I do not know why Sir Spell Nexus called for you as he did.” Proper Etiquette assured as she began to walk away.



Ezn: Proper Etiquette worked as a butler to make ends meet, but his/her real talent was gender-bending magic.

DiStort: Oh, that explains why Nexus hired him.



“But I do believe you will find it difficult to get an answer unless you go and speak with him.



Ezn: Proper Etiquette was a pony of many firmly-held beliefs.



Now, I must be off to the kitchen



Ezn: having become female and all



; Sir Spell Nexus does not like to host company without refreshment.”



CTOONfan1: He gets a drink, and you all have to watch him drink it.



“Seriously, that pony takes his job way too seriously.”



Anon13: Is somepony out there half-flanking demonic summonings?

RingmasterJ5: Yeah, Stan’s Demonic Summoning Emporium.

DiStort: I heard he was offering a two-for-one special on summoning Beelzebub.

Hellioning: Buy one apocalyptic hellspawn, get a second one for free!



Gray Gale mumbled to herself as



Ezn: Proper Etiquette shifted again.



the three ponies made their way through the elegant manor.



WhileItsStillFunny: While obviously drinking their hot coffee, and making sure they didn't forget their monocles.



After climbing a flight of stairs



Ezn: These ones weren’t out of order, but the ponies enjoyed the challenge of rappelling up the banister.



and passing down a lavishly furnished hallway they arrived at a door they all knew quite well.



Anon13: They and the door would often go barhopping together.



Moving inside, they entered the manor’s study.



The study was a cozy little room with very large windows and a fireplace. One wall was lined with book shelves, properly filled with



Ezn: Horizontal Surface’s complete works.

Svensvenderson: All first editions, too.



either books or small nick-nacks and pictures. The windows looked out over Canterlot, an elegant city scape



Vimbert: Of a completely different city.



and a view that the manor’s owner had been complimented on a number of times.



DiStort: "DUDE. YOUR WINDOWS ARE AWESOME."

Vimbert: Two is still a number! Spell Nexus just knows that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!



The final detail was an oil painting above the fireplace, a regal portrait of the manor’s owner. The painting depicted a dark blue unicorn with a light gray mane sitting behind a very elegant looking desk,



Ezn: I’ve always wanted a looking desk.

Anon13: What are YOU lookin’ at?

Vimbert: It has its eye on you.



a few papers spread around as the unicorn in the painting offered a gentle smile.



Ezn: Hours after the painting’s completion, Twilight sued him for copyright infringement.



A metal plate at the bottom of the portrait was engraved with beautiful, cursive writing.



Sir Spell Nexus

Disco: AKA Epic Failure

Crazy56U: AKA. Mr. Definitely-Not-A-Bad-Guy

Stars: AKA Sir I-Am-Totally-Not-Up-To-Something.



Headmaster of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns



CTOONfan1: Celestia sure knows how to pick 'em.



Mystical Advisor to the Royal Court



Disco: Cliched Antagonist

Microshazm: The word 'Mystical' obviously added with a Sharpie.

Ezn: Spell Nexus was really glad to have that portrait when he lost his memory that one time.



The pony from the portrait was standing in front of the fireplace, its fires reflecting in his turquoise eyes. He did not turn to look at the three ponies who had entered his study, instead motioning with a hoof to some chairs.



Disco: So they’re the Cult of Lyra?

Crazy56U: It's better than the Cult of Derpy. I'm not sure about you, but the idea of a Muffin God is just plain silly.

Hellioning: Says you. Free baked breakfast foods? Sign me up!



“Please, have a seat.”



Ezn: “Why thank you! I can sell it to feed my family!”



“What’s this about Nexus?” Gale asked. “Even you don’t send messengers for us in the middle of the night.”



CTOONfan1: “It's usually just as we're about to go to bed. Kinda rude, really.”



“It is strange Nexus.”



Ezn: Strange Nexus? Where?



Night Wind agreed. “You are the one that is always telling us to keep our movements subtle and hidden,



CTOONfan1: The swirling clouds, forest fire, and loud incantations are proof of that.



and this is far from subtle or hidden.”



Disco: He’s setting new standards of villainous idiocy.



“That and not all of us have cushy jobs like you do.” Stonewall grumbled.



Ezn: Some of us are earth ponies!

Vimbert: Yes, yes, and we’re all very sorry about his birth defect... I mean race.



“The commander is already suspicious why I was late reporting in after what happened in Everfree. I’m skating on thin ice with the Town Guard.”



Ezn: Nice going Nexus, your cult is going to make spring late again!



“Yes, I apologize for the late hour my sisters and brother,



CTOONfan1: Dysfunctional family, anyone?

Stars: they put the fun in dysfunctional.



but there has been an... interesting turn of events.”



Vimbert: In this story? Well, this is a nice change.



“It better be interesting.”



Disco: Unlike this story.



“I assure you, it is.” Nexus said, turning away from the fire



Vimbert: As a random spark lit his tail on fire. Soon, the entire building burned down. THE END



and walking towards the three seated ponies. “It would seem that our efforts on the past full moon were not wasted.”



Ezn: “Look at this bit I found next to the lake!”



“How were they ‘not wasted’? A large chunk of our brothers and sisters



Ezn: Wow, this just took a gory turn.



were arrested by the guards, we barely escaped, and Celestia interrupted the spell and we’ve lost the remains of Nightmare Moon!”



Ezn: “And Johnny didn’t ask me to prom!”

Vimbert: Spell Nexus swiftly summoned Proper Etiquette to fetch the Emergency Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.



“Yes, but all that is no longer needed... for Nightmare Moon lives.”



Anon13: Trumpet sting, zoom in, fade to a commercial.

Disco: Someone’s been watching too many reruns.



There was a dead silence in the room,



Vimbert: Dead Silence? I love that guy!



the earth pony and pegasi looking at each other in disbelief.



Ezn: “I thought Dead Silence was a myth!” “Us too!”



“Wait... wait wait wait.” Gray Gale began, pointing a hoof at Nexus. “Are you saying the spell worked?”



“I did not dare to hope so, but in part... yes.”



WhileItsStillFunny: Which resulted in the moon falling three days later.

Crazy56U: A lot of ponies were upset, including the one in green clothing. I think his name is "Luke" or something.



“And just how do you know that Nightmare Moon lives? I mean, wouldn’t she have overthrown Celestia by now?”



DiStort: Rather hard to overthrow someone who can step on you.



“It is true, if our queen was at full strength, Equestria would already be bathed in the glory



DiStort: "If not the logic"



of a night eternal and we would have received our just rewards as loyal servants to Nightmare Moon.



CTOONfan1: Being banished to the moon?

Hellioning: No, no, no. Getting banished to the SUN.



Still, I cannot deny what I sensed and saw. Early this evening, a brilliant bolt of arcane lighting shot up from Everfree Forest, and in that moment I sensed her. I sensed our queen in all her power and glory. Something inside me shifted,



Disco: His lunch?



and... and I felt positively giddy for a moment and had to fight the urge to race to the forest.



Anon13: Laughing and giggling like a little schoolfilly!



“Yes, a brief, brilliant flame of our queen’s magic that then faded back into the cool of the night.”



Ezn: Ponies talk like this all the time.



“While its nice to hear we weren’t wasting our time with that spell, just what are we supposed to do



Ezn: without our magic, help the earth pony way!



now?” Stonewall asked.



Crazy56U: "Jefferson Davis can only do so much, darn it!"



“Brother... sisters, we must find our queen.



Anon13: “I thought that was you, EF.”



I believe her form, like the spell we cast that night, is incomplete...



CTOONfan1: We must look for any scattered limbs lying about.



but it something that can be completed.



Ezn: Well DUH, it IS an incomplete thing!



I believe she is in hiding, either amongst the trees of Everfree



DiStort: "Of course, with all of the echoing across I did to them before, they're probably not going to give her to us easily."



or in some area close to that. It is our duty, as Children of Nightmare, to seek her out and aid her however we can.”



Ezn: “We’re gonna give her AID(S)!”



“And just how are we supposed to do that?



Vimbert: “How do you look for things? Using my eyes is harrrrrd!”



It’s not like we can just drop what were doing and take a week long stroll through Everfree.”



Ezn: “We can’t just drop our work like we drop apostrophes!”

CTOONfan1: Well we could, but then the plot wouldn't become even more convoluted.



“This is true, but thankfully not all our brothers and sisters were arrested in Celestia’s interruption. Gray Gale, in the morning you will find I’ve contracted out your services as a pair of wings for hire



Ezn: Don’t worry, you’ll be under anaesthetic when we saw them off.



to deliver important letters to a number of individuals around Ponyville.



Disco: How many muffins did it take to bribe Derpy into this?

Crazy56U: Well, it IS Derpy, so maybe it took 50.

Hellioning: I'm betting 40 and a free scholarship for Dinky.



Some of these letters are simple letters from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, but a few of those letters are



Ezn: complicated letters from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns



notes to our brothers and sisters, telling them to keep an eye out for our queen.”



“Will I know who is who?”



simonAJ: "No, that's the owl. He's not a member."



“No, their anonymity must be preserved; it is how we’ve been able to function so long without detection.



Ezn: “The Brotherhood cannot be wiped out because it is not an organization in the ordinary sense. Nothing holds it together except an idea which is indestructible. You will never have anything to sustain you, except the idea. You will get no comradeship and no encouragement. When finally you are caught, you will get no help. We never help our members.”

DiStort: That was a lot of words.

Crazy56U: Maybe he thinks he's actually Spell Nexus.

Stars: tl;dr



Only I truly know all those who stand with the Children of Nightmare.”



Disco: Their codename is CMC.

Crazy56U: CUTIE MARK CRUSADER CULTISTS! YAY!

Hellioning: Loud chanting, garish costumes... I'm fairly certain the only thing they'd need to change from their talent show performance is a couple of words about how awesome NMM is.



“Which, as I’ve said before, is really creepy.”



Anon13: As opposed to that whole evil-summoning-eternal-night thing, which ought to be a barrel of laughs.

Disco: All the cool kids do it!



Gray Gale said, only to get elbowed in the side



Svensvenderson: Do ponies have elbows?

Hellioning:They're more knees then anything else.



by Night Wind.

“And what about us Nexus?” Stonewall asked.



Ezn: Yeah, I wanna know what happens to Us Nexus too!

Vimbert: Stonewall was quickly punished for speaking in the presence of superior races.



“Stonewall, you must simply continue your duties with the Town Guard.



Ezn: I trust you to do it “simply” because you are a dim-witted earth pony.



Night Wind, however, has a greater responsibility.”



“And that is?”



Disco: “You get to feed my cat!”



“I have little doubt that Celestia will have sensed Nightmare Moon, and this will undoubtedly cause her to step up the research team she has working on deciphering our spell. Through my efforts and our brothers and sisters, you were placed as a guard for that team.



CTOONfan1: Once again. Quality control is not Celestia's strong suit.



If Celestia speaks with them tomorrow I want you to tell me exactly what she says. We must discern how much Celestia knows.”



Disco: Not much.



“Eavesdropping is easy for guards. Most of those we guard see us as little more than statues,



CTOONfan1: Then they blink.



though, considering how still we stand at times, I am inclined to agree with them.”



Ezn: Uncharacteristically subtle.



“Then continue as the silent statue, but keep your ears open.” Nexus advised. “Celestia was able to stop us once, but fate has given us another chance to see our queen rise... and I will not see it slip through our hooves. For the Night Eternal.”



“For Equestria’s True Queen.”



Disco: Lauren Faust!



The three ponies chimed back.



simonAJ: someone having replaced their vocal chords with bells while no-one was looking.

Hellioning: If this whole "insane cult" thing fails, they could always be a barbershop quartet.



==============



KNOCK... KNOCK... KNOCK...



Anon13: Enjoy it while it lasts, sound guy.

Ezn: Uurgh...



“Just one moment.” A light blue unicorn stallion called, pulling himself out of bed. Bastion Yorsets



RingmasterJ5: “See? We’re using an actual background character! Look at our adherence to canon!”

Disco: Past Sins is officially legit!



glanced at the clock, grumbling at the late hour as she began to head to the front door.



Anon13: He loved that recurring dream in which he was a pretty filly, damn it. Somepony’s about to get the slapping of their life.

Ezn: So the late hour is female and can head to the front door? The plot thickens!

Vimbert: I want to hear more of Late Hour’s struggles. She sounds like a nice pony.



His very light gray mane and tail



Ezn: Yep, Past Sins’s canon reference still checks out.



were a wreck



Vimbert: No, they were a mane and tail.



but he



Vimbert: WAIT, what about Late Hour?



didn’t have any desire to try and make himself presentable for anypony who would come knocking at such an hour.



Disco: He is only a background pony, after all.



Horn glowing, Bastion opened his front door and then froze still as a



Ezn: guard



statue



CTOONfan1: The curse of the Weeping Angels.

Hellioning: I hope that Celestia doesn't blink.



when he saw Princess Celestia standing on the door step.



“Your... Your Highness!”



Ezn: “Hey... horsie. Look... look at my hoof. How weird is my hoof?”



“I do apologize for the late hour Bastion



CTOONfan1: “I've been meaning to fix that ‘time’ thing.”

Ezn: Celestia was an indie game enthusiast, and would often play her favourite titles long into the night.



, but may I come



Vimbert: Celestia practices proper surprise sex etiquette, like the classy god-princess she is.



in?”



“Of.. of course... please, make yourself at home. I’ll be with you in a moment.” The stallion then galloped off to his bedroom.



Ezn: to slip into something more comfortable.



Bastion Yorsets



DiStort: In case you missed that link the first time.



was teacher at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, and had even been there when the young Twilight Sparkle revealed her immense aptitude for magic.



Anon13: Remember, My Little Pony fanfic. For those of you who dozed off or something. Or, you know, are in active denial.

Ezn: Yep, the reference still checks out. Move along, folks.



He was among the senior teaching staff, but recently he was also the unicorn leading the team of ponies who were studying the spell created and casted by the cult ponies who had ponynapped Twilight Sparkle.



Anon13: The Return of Exposition Man!

Crazy56U: He's the Superman of writing!

Vimbert: Exposition Man II: Return of Exposition Man

Ezn: Bastion Yorsets has a lot of irons in the fire.

Disco: And most of them have melted.



Within a few minutes of the princess’ arrival, Bastion re-emerged from his bedroom far more presentable, his mane brushed. He had even slipped into his normal work attire, a collared shirt, and light brown sweater vest. The ensemble was finished off by his thin, black tie.



Disco: Hasbro should get on this.

Ezn: If only all this effort had been put into sentence structure and characterisation.



“My apologies for making you wait, Your Highness.” Bastion offered as he entered his living room, where the princess had laid down on his couch.



Anon13: “I had to go into the next room and poop myself in fear.”



“You need not apologize Bastion.”



CTOONfan1: 1000 years on the moon will be fine.

Hellioning: "On a completely unrelated question, do you like bananas?"



Celestia offered as the stallion sat down in a nearby chair.



Ezn: “I have that effect on ponies.”

Anon13: “It’s this whole ‘god-queen’ thing. Makes social stuff tricky.”



“I would not normally disturb you at your home, or at such a late hour... but I was curious how things were going deciphering the spell.”



“It is progressing, but slowly.



Disco: Like the plot.

RingmasterJ5: Which is?

Crazy56U: Convoluted.

Stars: and beating us with sticks.



The unicorns were making use of several very old forms of magic of which there are few records. The oil soaked powders they were burning came from zebra magic,



Disco: Zecora is in on this too?!

Ezn: She was the one who cursed Bastion’s hair.



and while there are records of unicorns using arcane designs to direct the flow of magic, there are no actual books describing how such magical lines work.



Svensvenderson: Their copy of Tobin's Spirit Guide hadn't come in either.



It’s information lost.”



“Well... purposefully hidden may be the more accurate phrase.”



DiStort: "We always enjoyed a good scavenger hunt in those days."



“Princess?”



“Bastion, in the morning I want



Ezn: “to play you again and then post about it on TIGSource.”



you to move your team out of the library and into the royal archives.



CTOONfan1: because you are history!



I have already arranged with the guards for your team to have full access to anything in the archives.”



“Princess... those... those books are hundreds of years old!”



Ezn: “Get with the times, grandma!”



“Yes, but that is the point. The tomes in that collection are the final copies of books and knowledge that I wished to have preserved but not available to all of Equestria.



Ezn: “We’ve got Appledash from before Fall Weather Friends!”



There are very powerful magics in some of those books, spells that, if attempted by ponies who do not fully understand them, could have dire consequences.



Ezn: “Full-life consequences, even.”



Some of those books, however, describe such ancient arts as the diagrams made use in the cult’s spell.”



Anon13: What the hell were they looking in before, the Weekly World News?

Crazy56U: Nope, Wikipedia. Unfortunately, some punk kept changing the articles they wanted to say nothing but "Farts".



“We will make our move to the archives first thing in the morning.”



“Good, but one other thing Bastion.”



“Yes Your Highness?”



Ezn: “Where’d you hide my commas?”



“While I want your team to figure out what the spell was supposed to do, I now need you to find out something else.



CTOONfan1: Why is the story getting even more boring?



I need to know what the spell did.”



“Pardon?”



“The spell was started when I arrived with the royal guards and I interrupted it. I need to know if the spell did anything, even though it did not get casted to completion.”



simonAJ: It only managed to get through half of "Pants on the Ground" before Simon Cowell told it to leave.



“That is a very theoretical branch of magic, Princess. Incomplete spells have been known to do a variety of things, some never doing the same thing twice.”



CTOONfan1: Much like lightning, but not as mystical.

RingmasterJ5: Ah, Lightning Dawn, then.



“I have every faith in you Bastion. You are the greatest theoretical magic mind at the school.”



Disco: That’s not saying much.



Bastion couldn’t help but blush, bowing his head. “You flatter me, Princess.”



“I make no habit of flattering, Bastion, I only offer the compliments ponies deserve.” Celestia replied, getting up from the couch. “Now, I best depart. I wouldn’t want to impose.”



Disco: “There’s a filly in my chambers awaiting my... attention.”



“You are never an imposition Princes...



RingmasterJ5: Right at that moment, Celestia decided to try out a new spell she was working on that turns the user into two smaller, opposite-gender beings.

Ezn: And then ate all the food in Bastion’s fridge, screaming “I am too an Imposition Princes!”



though, none of this seems terribly pressing. Might I ask why you felt I needed to hear all this now?”



RingmasterJ5: “Because some higher force that calls itself ‘plot’ needed me to.”

Ezn: “It was a very shapely higher force; I couldn’t say no.”



Celestia paused at the door, having already put one hoof



GelidEnmity: You put your right hoof out...



outside when she turned back to look at Bastion.



“I have simply realized



Ezn: There’s a lot of simple things in this chapter. Must be an effort to appeal to the earth pony demographic.

Disco: Surely Stonewall appreciates it.



that I have not been providing your team with the materials it needed to decipher this spell quickly, and... I have also come to realize this evening that swiftness in this matter is of the utmost importance.”



Anon13: DUN DUN DUN!



=====================================================================

Questions,



Anonymous: What is the plot?

Hellioning: The only question I have is thus: Why?

Stars: Can I have a kitty?



Comments,



Anonymous: Plenty.



Concerns?



Disco: Several.

Stars: The sanity of those here perhaps, myself included.

GelidEnmity: I’m CONCERNED about the questions and comments.



pen.stroke.pony@gmail.com



My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.



RLYoshi: The PHYSICAL properties, on the other hand...



=====================================================================





Chapter 5

Theatrical Trouble

===================



Nyx sat on the sole swing outside the Ponyville Elementary Schoolhouse.



Ezn: swinging her sole.

DiStort: Must've been some budget cuts.



It had been a few days since Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s prank gone bad,



DiStort: Bad? You got lost in the forest. Sounds like it went pretty good to me.

Hellioning: Yes, but Nyx wasn't supposed to survive. It's a major wrench in their plans.



and while Twilight had



Ezn: told Nyx to throw it out before it attracted rats.



let Nyx skip a few days of school



Ezn: and a little sentence punctuation

CTOONfan1: She missed school? I want to be emotionally scarred next!

Crazy56U: Then do I have just the thing! (pulls out a copy of "Sweet Apple Massacre")



she felt the disguised alicorn



Anonymous: In case you forgot.

Bravetriforcer: I'll be honest. I thought Nyx was a mule before this line clarified things.

Crazy56U: Really? I though she was the Unabomber.



couldn’t just hide in the library for the rest of her life.



Casca: Given Twilight's early years of doing just that, I find this train of thought ironic.

Dark Pinkie: Well, you see, its easy being a hypocrite when you are taking care of someone else.



The black coated filly stared at the ground,



CTOONfan1: Nyx: I think that rock's slightly bigger than the one next to it by 0.01 inches... I need more friends.

Ezn: eating a bucket of KFC

Vimbert: One Crusader down, two to go.



the swing rocking back and forth just a few inches.



Ezn: Rustle was off sick, so the exact number of inches was impossible to ascertain.

Casca: I swing mah swing back and forth, I swing mah swing back and forth...

Hellioning: Just swing it. Swing it real good.

Dark Pinkie: I’m sorry... She does not swing that way.



Despite the fact all her classmates were laughing, giggling, and playing, Nyx couldn’t bring herself to smile.



Disco: She’s gone emo?

Vimbert: Crawwwling innn her coooat, these ticksss they cannnot flick...



And two certain fillies weren’t helping the situation at all.



Ezn: Don’t even get me started on the three uncertain fillies...



Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had become unbearable



CTOONfan1: Become?



since Nyx returned to school, Diamond Tiara enacting her vengeance for getting grounded because of what happened. They had spread nasty rumors around the school, picked on Nyx openly, and even tried to frame Nyx for putting a tack on Cheerilee’s desk chair.



Disco: Those sick bastards!



Thankfully, the teacher had seen through the ruse.



Crazy56U: Well it wasn't hard, seeing as how they placed the tack WHILE SHE WAS LOOKING.

Ezn: After all, it was merely a distaction.



Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were now missing recess, sitting at their desks



CTOONfan1: Oh the irony!

Anon13: Now they might learn something, and that would be terrible!



as punishment for the tack. It gave Nyx her first peaceful recess in days, though it did little to raise the filly’s spirits. She... she had wanted to hurt Twilight at some point in time.



DiStort: As opposed to now, where it's the other way around.

Anon13: And the readers want to hurt everyone involved.



She didn’t know when she had or why... but the memory lingered in Nyx’s mind... making her feel horrible.



Ezn: I know that feel, Nyx. I had my iPod stolen once.



How could she have ever wanted to hurt Twilight? She was such a nice



Disco: but idiotic

Vimbert: and out of character



pony.



It was Twilight that had found her in the forest, had taken her in, and had been taking care of her.



Vimbert: Nyx knew the bruises would heal.



How could she wanted to hurt somepony who was willing to do all that?



Casca: Because plot and bananas.

Hellioning: It's called being evil. I highly recommend it.



Who was willing to read



Vimbert: This story?



bedtime stories and help Nyx catch up with the rest of her class?



“Hey Nyx, how are you doing?”



Looking up, the disguised alicorn



Anonymous: Forgot again.

Bravetriforcer: I could have SWORN that she was a pistol shrimp before this line happened.

Dark Pinkie: I thought she was a bulldog.

Ezn: And suddenly this story became Sunny Skies All Day Long.

Vimbert: HAHAHAHA NO



was surprised to see Apple Bloom and Twist standing near the swing. She hadn’t even noticed them walk up.



Vimbert: Failed Spot checks. Failed Spot checks EVERYWHERE.

Casca: Cutie Mark Crusader Ninjas, go!

Dark Pinkie: What would a ninja cutie mark even look like?



“I’m okay.”



“You don’t sound okay.” Twist pointed out.



CTOONfan1: Neither do you with that strange lack of lisp accent you're speaking in.



“Can... can I tell you two a secret?”



“Of course.”



Ezn: “I once killed a man, just to watch him dye. The carpet, that is. With his blood.”



“And you promise not to tell any pony else?”



Vimbert: Soon, Spike and Zecora would rise to the top of the seedy rumor underbelly of Ponyville, their fortunes buoyed by technicalities.



“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Apple Bloom rattled off.



“What was that?” Twist asked, confused by the sudden movement and rhymes.



Microshazm: Apple Bloom was just about to start a full-on rap battle, but came to her senses.

Dark Pinkie: Rap battles of fanfiction! NYX! VERSUS! APPLEBLOOM! BEGIN!



“It was a Pinkie Pie Promise.”



CTOONfan1: Copyright Pinkie Pie, Sugarcube Corner Productions.



“There is a promise named after Pinkie Pie?”



DiStort: Patent pending.



“Oh yeah, it’s a promise between friends that you have to keep forever.”



Ezn: Forgotten by Studio B, held sacred by fans.

Vimbert: Just in case you had forgotten, this is a STORY ABOUT MY LITTLE PONIES.



“Forever?” Twist echoed.



Anonymous: NO! WAIT! THAT SUMMONS HER!

Crazy56U: TAKE COVER! (hides under table)

Ezn: Oh how I wonder what’s going to happen next...

Vimbert: Oh?



“Fooorreeevvveeerrr!”



Anonymous: Told you.

Ezn: No way.

Vimbert: Oh.



Nyx, Apple Bloom, and Twist jumped, turning to look towards the path that went by the school.



Ezn: 180 degree flip!



Standing on the other side of the fence that surrounded the playground was Pinkie Pie,



CTOONfan1: She's everywhere!



the earth pony eyeing the three fillies.



Ezn: Why is everypony in this story a pedophile?

Vimbert: Because fanfiction!



She was carrying a tray of cupcakes on her back and her saddle bags were loaded down with assorted goodies.



Disco: Her unmarked van was around the corner.



“Uh, hey Pinkie Pie.” Apple Bloom said, giving the earth pony a weak wave.



Ezn: “Daaahhhhling!”



The serious expression on Pinkie Pie’s face



CTOONfan1: Did we just encounter the rare Serious Pinkie? GO POKÉBALL!



quickly shifted back to its normal, cheerful nature.



CTOONfan1: Aw. It appeared to be caught.

soFreeKey: Next time, throw a rock at it.



“Hey girls! I was just taking some sweets to a party. Well, I’d better get going.



Disco: “I have to bury the evidence.”



You have fun.”



“Uh... okay, see ya.” Apple Bloom replied, the three watching Pinkie Pie bounce down the path.



“That... was weird.”



CTOONfan1: THAT was weird? Have you read this story?

Hellioning: No, your lack of a lisp is weird.



Twist offered once she was sure Pinkie Pie was out of ear shot.



“It’s Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, that’s just how she is.”



Disco: Terrifying? Deranged?

Anonymous: Murderous? Crimanly insane?



Apple Bloom replied. “Still, a Pinkie Pie promise is a promise you have to keep, since losing a friends trust is the fastest way to lose a friend forever.”



Anonymous: NOT AGAIN! (Grabs riot shield)

Ezn: The second fastest way is to lose a friends possessive apostrophe.



“FOOOREEEEVVEEEEER!”



CTOONfan1: Will these girls ever learn?



The three fillies jumped again, turning their heads.



Ezn: 180 degree flip 2X COMBO!



Pinkie Pie was a long ways down the path, almost out of sight of the school, but at the moment she was staring down the three fillies, as if she was able to hear their conversation, despite the distance. That or her strange Pinkie Pie Sense let her know when somepony was talking about her Pinkie Pie Promises



DiStort: The signal for that one is constipation.



It was a tense moment, Pinkie Pie eyeing the three fillies.



GelidEnmity: *Licks lips*

RingmasterJ5: *slowly backs away*

Anon13: *subtly dials 911*



But just as quickly as she had spoken out Pinkie Pie returned to her normal perky nature, turning and bouncing around a bend in the path as she continued on her task of delivering food for a party.”



Disco: Creeeepy.



“If it’s okay with you Apple Bloom, I think I’ll just use a normal promise.”



Anonymous: Good call, Twist.

DiStort: Suddenly, Pinkie felt a stabbing pain in the back of her head.

Crazy56U: The voices in her head got meaner.



Twist said, the yellow farm filly offering no protest.



Ezn: “No protests! Get your no protests here! Fresh off the inoffensiveness grill!”



“So, what did you want to tell us Nyx?” Apple Bloom asked.



Disco: “I am your father!”

Ezn: “Soylent Rainbow is made of ponies!”



“When I was in the forest... I remembered things.



Ezn: “It was like... there were these images and sounds... in my brain. It was really weird, you guys.”

Vimbert: What in Celestia’s name is a memory?



Or... it felt like they were memories, even though I don’t think they are... and, in some of those memories... I wanted to hurt Twilight.”



DiStort: Join the club.



“Why would you ever want to hurt Twilight?”



Disco: “Hey, you try sharing a room with her every day.”

Ezn: “Well, she asks me to sometimes, but I’m not supposed to talk about that...”

Casca: Have you even read the books? Really, such silly questions you ask.

RingmasterJ5: I thought the RiffTrax guys did a pretty good job of that already.



“I... I don’t know!” Nyx half blubbered.



Ezn: and half-whaled, sorry, -wailed.

Vimbert: Half-offered

Anonymous: How does one "half blubber"?

Svensvenderson: Very carefully.

Crazy56U: You cry with one eye open, natch.



“But I wanted to. I really wanted to... but I don’t want to hurt Twilight now, she’s so nice... but...”



Ezn: If you really want to know *deep breath* she’s obsessive-compulsive, she studies too hard, she’s a kinda antisocial and she’s got a crippling complex about magic kindergarten.

Vimbert: I suppose we were about due for another “Remember, this is a MLP:FiM fanfic” moment.



“Whoa, easy Nyx.” Apple Bloom said, seeing her friend was starting to tear up.



Ezn: in a swirling universe-correction wormhole, which left nothing but a shattered pair of glasses behind. And there was much rejoicing.

Hellioning: flutteryay



“Is that why you’ve been so sad, because you thought you wanted to hurt Twilight?”



Nyx nodded.



“I’m not even sure when it happened or why, but... I remember wanting to hurt her before.



CTOONfan1: I think we've all had that feeling before.

Anon13: When she's acting this dumb Darwin demands it.



We were both standing in some old castle ruins and I was really tall and when I spoke my voice was all strange, but I remember wanting to hurt her... but why would want to hurt somepony so nice?”



Hellioning: I repeat, because it's hilarious.



“Are ya sure you weren’t just dreamin’?” Applebloom asked.



Disco: Or watching Season 1?



“Dreaming?” Nyx asked.



“Yeah, dreamin’. I mean, Twilight said you were way out in the Everfree Forest. Maybe you just got tired and passed out and dreamed the whole thing up and just didn’t know it because of how scared you were. I mean, since when were you ever taller than Twilight?”



“I...I guess that might make sense



CTOON: Sense? Pshaw!



....but even if it was just a dream, I still feel bad about it.”



“Have you told Twilight about this?” Twist asked.



“Yes.”



“And did you apologize?”



“Yes, I apologized



DiStort: “And then she took out Mr. Naughty Stick. I don’t like Mr. Naughty Stick...”

Vimbert: "Twilight says I will one day."



and she said it was all right.”



“Well then why are you worryin’ about it, you silly filly?” Apple Bloom asked, smiling gently.



Ezn: Twilight’s most faithful customer.



“Like you said, you don’t really want to hurt Twilight and it sounds like she’s already forgiven you. As my big sister would say, its all water under a bridge now.”



“What does a bridge have to do with any of this?”



DiStort: Wasn’t Twist supposed to be smart or something?

Anon13: Wasn’t the ENTIRE CAST supposed to be smart or something?

Crazy56U: Hmm... "Past Sins Abridged"... ...it could work.

Anon13: Sorry, but unless you abridge this thing down to a haiku it won't be enough.

Disco: Nightmare Moon is back?

Disco: Mary Sues are annoying!

Disco: Because Nyx has ticks.

Ezn: Good job so far, but it needs a wiki link and some rows of equal signs.

Vimbert: Don't forget Twilight with a creepy obsession with an unfulfilled maternal instinct.



Twist asked.



“No, you see, it’s an expression.”



Ezn: Like the ones Twilight’s always trying to get ponies to buy from her.



“What does it mean?”



“Well... it kind of... look, I don’t know for sure,



Vimbert: Metaphorgottened.

CTOONfan1: I just say things because they make me sound smarterer.

Crazy56U: Thanks, now I can't stop picturing Twilight dancing and singing "I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!"



but I know it does mean somethin’ like that once you apologized for doing somethin’ and somepony has forgiven you then it’s okay just to forget about it.”



“Oh, so since Twilight’s forgiven Nyx for thinking she ever wanted to hurt her they can both just forget about it and go back to being happy?”



Disco: Denial is magic!



“Exactly!” Apple Bloom said with a smile.



“But... I may have wanted to hurt Twilight for real, and I don’t know why.



CTOONfan1: There's a lot of things in this story we don't know why.



What if I want to hurt her again... I don’t want to hurt her!”



“Okay, we’re going in circles, time for an Apple family remedy.” Apple Bloom said, walking behind Nyx.



“Apple family remedy, just what is- WHOA!”



simonAJ: It's an expression of shock or surprise. Pretty common, actually.

Crazy56U: And Nyx has been possessed by Keanu Reeves.



Nyx went wide eyed as Apple Bloom, putting her practice apple bucking to use, turned and bucked at the swing Nyx was sitting on.



Disco: Damn it, just missed!

Ezn: I think she hit that sentence’s hyphens instead.



This sent Nyx swinging skyward, her purple mane flowing behind her.



Ezn: An opportunistic camera crew was quick enough to capture the footage for a shampoo commercial.



The swing reached the peak of its swing,



Ezn: The swing had its own swing, with a peak and everything? Dayum, playgrounds are fancy these days.

Anon13: That may explain why there was only one, though...



and began swooping back. Apple Bloom had already gotten out of the way, she and Twist laughing at Nyx’s panicked face.



Casca: Cutie Mark Crusader Schadenfreude Practicers, go!

Hellioning: Am I the only one having Carrie flashbacks?

Crazy56U: That depends: are you thinking of "Carrie 2: The Rage" as well?



“Come on, go higher!” Apple Bloom encouraged.



Disco: Kick her again! Kick her again!



“Yea! Higher!” Twist added in her nasally tone.



Nyx gulped a little



Ezn: bird that flew past just then. It got caught in her throat and she died.

Vimbert: And that was the second time Scootaloo died.



, but then began to do just that. She hadn’t ever really gone this high on the swing before... but the cheers from Apple Bloom and Twist drove her one.



Disco: Peer pressure is a bitch.



Nyx threw her weight into the swing,



DiStort: Crushing it instantly. You really shouldn't throw anvils around, kid.



and it began to work its way higher. Nyx started to get so high that the swing would hang in the air at the top, a few brief moments of free fall before the chain snapped taut again.



Crazy56U: ...thanks for reminding us that physics exists?



Nyx swung back and forth a number of times, to Twist and Apple Bloom’s cheers



CTOONfan1: They enjoy watching her misery and confusion.



before she stopped and let the swing slow down, eventually using her hooves to skid to a stop, a broad smile on her face.



“See? Apple family remedy works every time.”



Ezn: “Except that one year when the swing was out-of-order. We don’t talk about that.”



“And just what remedy is that? Swinging on a swing?”



“No, havin’ fun. Nothin’ can get a pony feeling better like havin’ a little fun.



Disco: And alcohol. Just look at Berry Punch!



Now, scootch over, it’s my turn.” Apple Bloom replied, moving over to the swing. Nyx gladly obliged,



CTOONfan1: Such a pushover.

Ezn: And a crybaby. Oops, that's not in this version, sorry.



relinquishing the swing to her friend and even pushing Apple Bloom with the use of her magic.



==============



Twilight smiled gently



Ezn: keeping this gentle smile all to herself.



as she looked at the calender on the wall, striking off another day.



Ezn: She really hated days.



It had been about a month and a half since Nyx’s arrival, and Twilight was happy to say that the little black filly was doing well.



Casca: Psychotic breakdown? Murderous impulses? Sure, Twilight. Suuuure.

Disco: Given how crazy her friends are, she probably thinks it's normal.

Hellioning: If she hasn't acted on the murderous impulses, she's still better than Pinkie.



She had gotten caught up in school,



Ezn: A dangerous drug. Once you study, you can’t stop!



so now instead of spending afternoons studying with Twilight she was able to go out and play with her friends, though Nyx still liked to come back to the library anyway and have Twilight teach her more about something she learned in school. The alicorn’s curiosity was, at times, insatiable.



DiStort: Damn, already made the bendy straw joke.



School itself had been going better as well. After Twilight’s confrontation with Diamond Tiara’s dad and a few other altercations between the fillies at school, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon started to going to Cheerilee’s afternoon class,



GelidEnmity: LOL how 2 grammer?



which in turn let two fillies in particular join the morning class. Those two fillies were Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. Add that to Twist and Apple Bloom, and Nyx had four solid friends...



Disco: But no liquid or gaseous friends.

Crazy56U: What about plasma?



more than Twilight could say she had at that age.



CTOONfan1: Twilight, the only friends you had as a kid were books, and I'm sure you had a lot of those.

Crazy56U: Thanks, now I'm imagining the creepy birthday party scene from "Party of One", but with Twilight and some books.



Moving away from the calender, Twilight began to shuffle and clean up books around the library.



Ezn: Shuffling has more practical applications than you might think.



Spike was over at Rarity’s place helping her, Owlowiscious was asleep, and Nyx was at school.



Ezn: Rainbow Dash was napping, Fluttershy was wrestling with a bear, Pinkie Pie was watching TV, Derpy was cleaning a well...



All in all, it gave Twilight a quiet morning to clean up the library, a mess caused by her usual study practices.



DiStort: I mean there is studying, and then there's STUDYING.

Ezn: The library sure is a mess caused by her study practices. Now that that tree’s been cleaned up, Ponyville can get a stripmall!



Putting the books back on the shelves, Twilight glanced at some of the titles,



CTOONfan1: “Where did I keep that Blockhead's Guide to Raising Possible Demons of Darkness?”

Crazy56U: Unfortunately, the last book she had by Horizontal Surface had been checked out.



thinking about whether or not she had read them. At this point most of the books in the library had been read by the unicorn,



Ezn: Sparkler, get out!



but she still at times came across books she hadn’t read, some by choice



Ezn: She had Past Sins? Meta...



and others because she just hadn’t come across them yet.



Disco: Some were so bad that she burned them out of her memory.

Casca: Ones, for instance, that shared her name.

RingmasterJ5: Or any by that deranged “Mykan” colt.



All the books Twilight put away were ones she had read, but the unicorn lingered on the last book. It was brown, with golden clasps on the corners and a gold unicorn on the cover surrounded by six golden gemstones.



Ezn: Its thick binding sent her into throes of pleasure.



It was a book of folklore, old stories from Equestria’s past.



Casca: Behold, mortals, the Necronomicon.

Ezn: *Neighcronomicon

Vimbert: Just in case you didn't know what "folklore" meant, readers. Are you confused? Do I need to define more terms? Hold on, I'll insert more explanatory wikipedia links.



It was, in fact, from that book that Twilight had read about the Elements of Harmony, which lead her to discover that Nightmare Moon was going to return.



Without even thinking,



Disco: Like she does with everything else,

Vimbert: (at least in this story)



Twilight opened the book to the folktale in question,



Ezn: Twi’s a loose canon reader who reads now and thinks later.



her eyes glancing over the beautifully illustrations before reaching the first line.



Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest-



“I’m home!”



Twilight smiled, looking up from the book as Nyx came running into the library, quickly moving over to and nuzzling up against Twilight.



Ezn: *holds up ‘Awwww...’ sign*



“Hey there Nyx, how was school today?”



“Great!”



Disco: “I was only beaten up twice!”

simonAJ: “They didn’t even use the stick this time!”



The filly chirped. “Cheerilee told us that were going to be putting on a play.”



Ezn: were doing it man



“Really?”



Ezn: “No, she wrote it on the board in Pony Hieroglyphics and we had to decipher it before time ran out and the classroom exploded.”



“Yep! She says every spring the school puts on a play for the Ponyville Spring Festival. It’s this really cool thing where a bunch of musicians, artists, and entertainers come to Ponyville and every pony has a lot of fun.”



Casca: Not the dragons and other, ahem, sub-races, though. They have to work and clean up and do other generally degrading activities.

Vimbert: We give the filthy earth ponies a break for once.



“The Spring Festival; if I remember correctly it was started by a traveling group of musicians that came to Ponyville every year around this time as they toured Equestria. Eventually, other musicians started showing up at the same time and after a few years it just turned into a festival.”



Anon13: A few more kilos of interesting plants and it’ll be our own Burning Man!



“Yea, that’s what Cheerilee said.” Nyx chirped. “And she says we can pick what the play will be about and that we’ll all have something to do.”



Disco: This won’t end well for anyone.



“Well doesn’t that sound fun?



Disco: More like ridiculous.



Do you have any ideas?”



“I... I was kind of hoping I’d find a good story in one of the library books.”



Casca: Like that one Rarity borrowed the other day, the one with the three mares and honey drizzles all over their midriffs, I thought maybe we could do that one.



Twilight smiled. “That’s a great idea. Books have some of the best stories



CTOONfan1: But worst graphics.

Crazy56U: Yes, just like my Pre-Calc textbook! It contains the most MAGICAL of stories!

Ezn: “and they will never call you mean names, or make fun of your Sailor Moon fanfiction, or go to the prom with Moondancer instead...”



, but just remember that it’s meant to be a school play, so try to pick a story that’s short



Ezn: “Remember, you have earth ponies in your class. They can’t focus on reading for too long before their tree-kicking senses start to tingle.”



that all your friends will want to help with.”



Disco: That means no Rent.



“Okay.” Nyx replied, about to open her mouth and ask for Twilight’s help further.



Ezn: “Help” is probably one thing you could call it.



Still, the filly was interrupted as the door to the library opened, Applejack running in.



“Twi, there you are! I need your help with somethin’ fierce!”



Disco: Is it down right fierce?



“What’s wrong Applejack?”



Disco: “I’ve lost my accent!”

Anon13: “The Plot demanded a distraction!”



“Some nasty plant showed up in Sweet Apple Acres; it’s a vine and it’s startin’ to grow up around some of the trees. You got any books in here that can tell us what it is?”



Casca: Iiiiit's theeee Great Big Book of Everything, with everything inside, see the world around us, let's look what we can find!

CTOONfan1: It's "this book's the perfect guide," not, "let's see what we can find." I'm sad that I remember that.



Twilight nodded, her horn glowing as she grabbed a number of phytopathology



Ezn: You learn something new every day.

Crazy56U: You have to give Pen Stroke credit; he IS saving us the time of Googling this stuff.

Vimbert: Me? Give Pen Stroke credit? Heck, I didn't even do that when I was editing this thing.

Crazy56U: Well, did he pay you?



books from the shelves and her saddle bag. The books flew into the bags, the bags settling on Twilight back as the unicorn looked over her shoulder.



Ezn: What’s a shoulder? Help, Pen Stroke! Give me links!



“Nyx, I’ve got to go help Applejack.



Ezn: “I’m going to try to teach her to count without using her hooves.”



Will you be okay by yourself for a little while?”



Vimbert: “She is an earth pony, so explaining this might take a while.”



“Sure, I’ll just try and find a story for my school play.”



Twilight nodded. “That’s an excellent idea. Now, if you need help Spike is at Rarity’s and Owlowiscious is asleep in the bedroom upstairs.



Vimbert: Translation: if you need help, too bad!



I’ll be back soon.”



“Okay Twilight.”



“Thanks again Sugarcube.” Applejack offered as she and Twilight galloped out the door. “I don’t know what that nasty plant is, but I know it ain’t good on my apple trees.”



At that the door to the library shut under Twilight’s magic, leaving little Nyx to her studies. The disguised alicorn



Anonymous: This again... Really?

Anon13: Apparently Pen believes when in doubt, assume the reader is a goldfish.



looked about the room for a few minutes, just mindlessly perusing the books on the shelves for something that looked like a story book before she noticed one book that was left setting out.



Disco: “Furniture: The Anthology?”

simonAJ: Horizontal Surface really lost his touch after the caterpillar incident.

Crazy56U: Yeah, after that, he went full on Hunter S. Thompson and tried to shoot his typewriter.



Trotting over, Nyx looked into the book and its beautiful illustrations, beginning to read the first line.



Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest-



Ezn: I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT.



==============



“So, do you know what the play is supposed to be about?”



Ezn: “It’s about life! And meaning! About real people... and sewer mutants.”

Disco: The tragic story of a Mary Sue corrupted by her own idiocy.

DiStort: Truly an epic tragedy for the ages.

Anonymous: From where I'm standing, its quite a common one at this point.



Twilight asked as she walked with Rarity in the direction of the Ponyville Elementary School. The pair of unicorns had volunteered to help the students prepare the show, though all the actual work was going to be done by the fillies and colts.



Ezn: Rarity had been appointed because of her experience with sweatshops.



It was a chance for the students to find their cutie marks,



Disco: And fail miserably.



and in truth it was a similar school play event that helped Rarity discover her special talent in fashions and clothes making.



CTOONfan1: So the bedazzled dancing food play is back?

Ezn: This play is something that would totally happen in Ponyville, you guys.



“I’ve asked Sweetie Belle but she’s refused to tell me; says we’ll find out today. She seems really excited though.”



“Is she going to be acting in the play or she helping some other way?”



“My sister wanted to help with the costumes but... after she mentioned to Cheerilee that she was the one that made the costumes for the Crusaders’ appearance in the talent show she encouraged Sweetie Belle to take on one of the acting parts... a part with singing.”



Disco: Common Sense Syndrome claims another victim.

Vimbert: The poor Dears.



“Oh, that’s good. Sweetie Belle has such an amazing voice, it will be nice to hear her sing.”



“Yes it will. Personally, I’d bet that she’s destined to be a great singer...



Disco: Or a dictionary.

DiStort: Or a singing dictionary.

Crazy56U: Please; that's too silly for this series.

Anonymous: ...but not for Past Sins...

Ezn: This is your singing dictionary, I hope it finds you well!

Ezn: You're invited to a lecture 'cause we want you to go to Hell!



but we just can’t be sure until that little cutie mark of hers appears, can we?”



Twilight shook her head as the pair began getting close to the school house. While the school and its playground were set up on one side of the path, the school’s outdoor stage was set up on the opposite side of the road. The one and only permanent stage in Ponyville, unless you counted the town hall.



Anon13: Then again, considering the farces and tragedies that happen there...



Cheerilee was standing in the center of the many colts and fillies, giving directions to the eagerly listening young ponies. After all, doing the play meant they got out of normal school work



CTOONfan1: On second thought, dress me up as a ruby pie!



for at least part of the day. Still, when Cheerilee saw Twilight and Rarity approaching, the teacher decided to let the students slip off to recess a little earlier than scheduled so she could talk with the two unicorns.



“You two have excellent timing.” Cheerilee offered



Vimbert: A deep bow to her betters, as was befitting of her race.



as the children ran off to play, Nyx giving a wave to Twilight before running off with her friends. “I was just telling the class how you were kind enough to volunteer your time to help us make this play.”



Casca: Parent-teacher Relations 101: Tell guardian that he/she is being given credit for efforts to distract them from the lack of actual work being done.



“Glad to help Cheerilee, though we still haven’t been told just what the play is supposed to be about.”



“Oh, of course. Here.” Cheerilee replied, using a hoof to push a few scripts across the ground. Twilight picked up the one on top, Rarity looking over the purple unicorn’s shoulder as they read the title on the script.



CTOONfan1: “High Stable Musical”?

Crazy56U: (tries to leave) Darn it, the door's locked.

Vimbert: I've been trying to dig my way out, but since I'm not a filthy earth pony I'm not getting anywhere.



“Reunion of the Royal Pony Sister.”



Anonymous: We can all tell this will end just fine.



Twilight read aloud.



“Yes, it was Nyx’s idea. She found an old fairy tale about how Celestia and Luna kept the world in balance, and then how Luna became the frightful Nightmare Moon. Apple Bloom then had the idea to incorporate the adventure you and your friends had where you beat Nightmare Moon and restored Princess Luna back to normal.”



Disco: When in doubt, plagiarize.

Anonymous: I think I can hear Season 1 crying from here.



“Wow, that’s actually not a bad story. A little fairy tale.” Rarity mused.



Crazy56U: Damn, Rarity just burned the Season 1 premiere!

Disco: It’s a fanfic within a fanfic!

DiStort: FANFICCEPTION.

Anon13: We have to go derper!

RingmasterJ5: Yo, dawg. We put a fanfic in a mock of a fanfic so you can read while you mock while you read!



“What are the plays usually about?”



“Well, at least when I was a filly, our Spring Festival play was about a pony picnic that got stolen by ants. It was... cute... but not exactly what you would call great theater.



Disco: Unlike ripping off a children’s cartoon.



But this actually looks passable.” Rarity offered, flipping through another copy of the script. “Oh, and look here, one of the songs they sing, it’s the one Pinkie Pie sang



CTOONfan1: Be more specific, please.

Vimbert: Maybe we should include a link just in case.



when we were in Everfree Forest.”



“You mean when she was telling us to giggle at the ghosties and crack up at the creepy?” Twilight asked, flipping to the same page in the script.



“The very one. Oh, I can only imagine how Pinkie Pie will react when she hears them singing it. We won’t be able to stop her from bouncing for days.”



Twilight giggled, picturing Pinkie Pie’s reaction.



“Yea, she’ll probably start singing along right there in the audience.



Anonymous: Screw the audience. She's gonna jump on stage.



Still, this looks fun.”



“Oh yes, its going to be one of the best plays the school has ever put on!” Cheerilee energetically agreed.



Disco: Not like the standards are high.



“I’ve actually pulled together both classes because there are just so many parts to play and things to be done. And we’ve already got all the character’s casted.



Anon13: They’re made of pewter, and will be sold on TV for the Franklin Mint.



You can see who is who on the first page.”



Twilight and Rarity nodded, flipping to the first page of the script.





Reunion of the Royal Pony Sisters



CTOONfan1: Or, What Happens When Your Sister Thinks She Got The Short Stick



A Ponyville Elementary School Production



Written By Cheerilee



Disco: At least we know who to blame.



Music Composed By Lyra



Narrator.................................Zecora



Twilight Sparkle.................Dinky Doo

Applejack......................Apple Bloom

Rarity............................Sweetie Belle

Rainbow Dash....................Scootaloo

Fluttershy.....................Cotton Cloudy

Pinkie Pie........................Sunny Days

The Mayor...........................Little Hoof

Sea Serpent....................Tornado Bolt

Manticore..................................Archer



simonAJ: I cast 404 at the darkness!

Crazy56U: Figures they got the worst Starfleet captain to be in this.

Anon13: Would you want Shatner in this role?

RingmasterJ5: Yes, actually.

Disco: It’d make this play somewhat entertaining.



Princess Celestia.........Diamond Tiara

Princess Luna..................Silver Spoon

Nightmare Moon.............................Nyx



Isphone: Convenient...

Anonymous: Like I said. It'll all be fine.

Disco: But where’s Derpy?!

Crazy56U: Hiding in the chicken coop.



Ponyville Residents & Everfree Forest Trees

Hot Rod, Berry Pinch, Paradise, Tootsie Flute,

White Lightning, Peachy Pie, Lily Dache



Set Design

Berry Pinch, Paradise, Peachy Pie



Costumes

Sunny Days, Tootsie Flute, Lily Dache



Stage Hooves

Hot Rod & White Lightening



Anon13: There’s a pony named after bleach?

DiStort: Dear God, that's a lot of links.

Anonymous: Lot of broken links.

Ezn: Remind me to thank Pen for graciously giving us these ponies’ contact details. I’m planning to put on a play, you see...



“Zecora... I’m surprised you were able to get her to be the narrator.” Rarity said, glancing up from the page.”



Ezn: “I didn’t know zebras could read!”

Vimbert: “Next you’ll tell me that filthy earth ponies can... err...”



“It was Apple Bloom that actually convinced her. From what I hear, she has a great voice.”



“Oh yes, her voice is perfect for a story of this kind of genre, narrating an epic tale. Yet, I’d suggest you let her come up with her own lines.”



“Why is that?”



Disco: She actually has taste.



“Zecora speaks in rhymes very naturally, and having a rhyming narrator would just give the whole play a very old fairytale appeal.



Crazy56U: Wrongo. It'll give the whole play a Dr. Seuss-ish appeal.



That, and I can’t imagine what her voice would sound like if she didn’t rhyme as she does.”



Disco: Normal?



“I’ll be sure to sit down with her then and work on the script.”



Ezn: “She can make the sandwiches and lemonade!”



Rarity smiled with a nod, reading further down the page.



Ezn: She then frowned with a cringe, barely containing her rage.



“Well, would you look at that. Sweetie Belle is going to be playing me. Though, I supposed that makes sense. She does have my wonderful white coat.



Ezn: “I lost it to her in a bet.”

Disco: “And my terrible personality.”

Vimbert: *nods*



Oh, and Scootaloo gets to be Rainbow Dash! She must be positively ecstatic!”



Ezn: “Now she can pretend to be a pony who other ponies care about!”



“Oh yes.” Cheerilee agreed. “Scootaloo was practically begging for the chance to play Rainbow Dash



CTOONfan1: Are you sure you don't mean "bribing" or "threatening"?

Anon13: I would guess "incessantly whining".



the moment realized



CTOONfan1: The moments are apparently alive.

Anon13: ♫ With the sound of faaaailuuuuure....♫



she’d be a character in a play. It is also a character that suits her, since she talks so much like Rainbow Dash.”



Disco: She also worships a small effigy made of Dash’s used chewing gum.



“Yes, Scootaloo is definitely a filly who you hear saying ‘awesome’ just about as much as Dash.” Rarity agreed, continuing to read down the page.



Ezn: An astute observation, my good lady.



“Let’s see, don’t know her, or her, or her... wait, Sea Serpent? Do you mean Steven Magnet?”



“Who?”



“Steven Magnet, that’s the name of the sea serpent we met on our way to find the Elements of Harmony.



CTOONfan1: And you learned this... when?

Ezn: “Well, that’s what this strange pony called Youtube Caption told us. She kind of scares me, actually.”



Oh, I do hope you are portraying him well. Such a well groomed and polite



Disco: And simply fabulous!



sea serpent shouldn’t be relegated to a role of a simple monster.



Ezn: “You have a point there. I think we should rename the play ‘Steven Magnet and the Pony Sisters’. We could even call it ‘Magnet!’ and do a musical...”

Blahdeblah: Yet another story that I would much rather be reading.



Wouldn’t you agree Twilight?....... Twilight?”



Rarity and Cheerilee turned to look at Twilight, the unicorn stiff as a statue and a few shades paler than she normally was.



Disco: The cockatrice finally got its revenge!



“Twilight, Dear, what’s wrong?” Rarity asked, noticing the unicorn’s eyes were focused on the page. Returning to her own copy of the script, Rarity read down a few more lines and then froze up too,



CTOONfan1: It strikes again! Someone get Fluttershy quick!



eyes narrowing.



“Is... is something wrong?” Cheerilee asked, concerned why the two unicorns were acting the way they were.



Ezn: It’s ‘cause they’re unicorns, dear. Weirdo magic does something to their brains.



“Oh... oh, of course not, Dear.”



Vimbert: Twilight, angered at being ignored in favor of Dear, left the fic.



Rarity replied, regaining her composure. “I was just curious about some of your casting. For example, what makes you feel Nyx will play a good Nightmare Moon?



Ezn: “It’s mainly because she’s black. The villain has to be black.”

Svensvenderson: But then won't she die first?

Anon13: No, no, no, being the main villain makes her an exception to that rule. She won't die until right before the closing credits.

RingmasterJ5: Only to be revived in the obligatory post-credits Sequel Hook.



She is, after all, such a sweetheart and Nightmare Moon is... well...”



Crazy56U: A hammy excuse of a villain?

Anon13: But still better than Serpent-Tyrant.



“That’s the point of acting, Rarity, to be characters we usually aren’t.



CTOONfan1: For instance, I'm acting right now like I give a crap!

Ezn: Oh! Let me try! *Ahem* i luv nyx shes sooo cwot pas syns is gratest wrok of literture evar!!1!



Besides, it was Scootaloo that suggested it



Disco: Because she’s such a fountain of good ideas.



and everypony in class agreed that Nyx would do the best Nightmare Moon,



Ezn: They decided to settle for doing Nightmare Moons of lesser quality



if only because she has a black coat.



Ezn: THAT’S RACIST!



I asked Nyx if she was okay with that, and she didn’t seem to mind at all.”



Ezn: “Well, she might have complained, but I don’t speak Mary-Sue.”



”Oh, well it’s good to know Nyx is looking forward to the role.”



Anon13: Ignore that ominous trumpet sting that just sounded out of nowhere.



“It is, especially because it’s one of the characters that has a lot of lines. Not as much as, say, your character, Twilight, but still a significant amount of lines.



Ezn: Litres and litres of lines! So much lines!



Still, I have little doubt Nyx will be able to memorize what she needs to say.”



“Of course, she’ll be a perfect Nightmare Moon.



Ezn: DUN DUN DUN!



Don’t you agree Twilight?” Rarity said, elbowing the purple unicorn in the side and snapping her out of her shock.



“Oh... oh yes of course. Perfect.” Twilight said with a forced grin.



==============



“But WHY!?”



Disco: That’s what the readers ask every couple of sentences.



“I’m sorry Nyx, you just... you can’t be in the play.”



Ezn: “It’s not you, it’s me. The play, that is. It’s afraid of commitment.”



“But...but that isn’t fair!” The black filly whined, stomping her hoof.



Ezn: A simple mare, living simple dreams...



“The play’s tomorrow! They won’t be able to do perform without me!”



Ezn: “They’re not even able to do perform with me!”



Twilight frowned, feeling her heart twist in her chest.



Casca: Bedurn'd burritos.



It had been a few weeks since the unicorn found out the little filly was going to be Nightmare Moon in the play, and over those two weeks Twilight had agonized over what to do.



Ezn: So much so that she lost her past perfect tense in the middle of this sentence.



Whether to let Nyx participate in the play or to make up an excuse and keep her at the library.



Disco: Twi’s cutie mark really represents indecision.



Twilight had actually started leaning towards letting Nyx be in the play, considering how much fun she seemed to be having. Two things, however, quickly changed Twilight’s mind.



CTOONfan1: Common and sense.

Vimbert: Oh no, she's afflicted too!



The first was



Ezn: that she liked watching Nyx suffer



the announcement that Celestia and Luna were going to be attending the Spring Festival, having heard that the Ponyville School was going to be telling the story of Luna’s return, the first stage performance of the story.



Twilight knew Nyx’s disguise could fool common ponies, but she couldn’t expect it to fool Celestia and Luna. Luna had been Nightmare Moon



Crazy56U: Gee, thanks for reminding us, Sherlock.



and Celestia was arguably just as familiar with the Mare in the Moon.



Svensvenderson: What with the banishing and all.

Ezn: You only really know someone after you banish them to the moon.



They would surely notice Nyx’s resemblance,



Ezn: What? Nyx has a resemblance? I want one of those!



and Twilight feared Nyx would be banished on the spot.



Disco: We couldn’t possibly be that lucky.



The other thing that that had swayed Twilight was when she finally got to see Nyx’s costume.



Ezn: That sure did sway Twilight (nudge nudge, wink wink)!



The armor was made of stiff fabric and wire, the wings were fake, and the sparkling mane was obviously just purple fabric with sparkles... but it was enough that Nyx looked just too much like Nightmare Moon,



DiStort: Nightmare Moon would probably take that as an insult.

Hellioning: I was unaware that Nightmare Moon was the size of a little filly when she was trying to take over the world.

Ezn: You've gotta watch the episodes quite a few times to pick up these little details.



especially with the moon cutie mark painted on her flank. Sure, some ponies in Ponyville might just think the costume was wonderful... but still Twilight feared they would draw unwanted connections.



Ezn: I prefer to draw unwanted conclusions, but that’s just me.



“I’m... I’m sorry Nyx, but they’ll just have to do the play without you.” Twilight assured.



“NO! It’s not fair! I’ve worked really hard and I learned all my lines!”



Disco: “I watched the episode ten times!”

Ezn: Pshh, amateur.



Nyx threw out,



Vimbert: some dope rhymes, revolutionizing the industry forever.

Ezn: “Yo my name is Nyx and I don’t no got ticks!

I’m an alicorn reanimated nightmare!

My Mary-Sue skills make you care!

The level of cuteness I’m throwing down

is over nine thousand, soyouwillbe going down

Down to E-Q-Daily, where you will love me

I’m super adorable, you will see

You’ll draw some fanart, until you’re sick

You’ll make sixty-seven threads on /fic/

Haters gonna hate, but I’m still sinnin’ in the past

You best read my story, I promise it’s a blast

N-Dawg OUT”

Anon13: Mad props, Ezn. Word. (Or whatever the hell they’re saying these days.)

Crazy56U: I'd answer, but then I would be the whitest (and nerdiest) guy in the universe.

Disco: I’m jiggy with it.

Crazy56U: ...PAST SINS VERSION OF "EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY"! Pen Stroke, make it so!

RingmasterJ5: Who would Nyx battle? Actually...make it an “EPIC RAP BATTLES OF BAD MLP FANFICTION!” and have her battle Lightning Dawn. (All these future references must be confusing the hell out of everyone just starting with this MST.)

Anon13: Let’s just say people will look back on this and laugh.

RingmasterJ5: They’ll probably laugh harder at the MiB mock.



starting to enter a tantrum.



simonAJ: "Sorry miss, this tantrum's full. Try the one down the street."



“Nyx...”



“IT”S NOT FAIR!!!”



“NYX!” Twilight barked, forcing the filly to fall silent.



Disco: Twilight speaks fluent Dog.



“I”m sorry, I really am, but this is just how it has to be. Now, I want you to go upstairs and take that costume off.”



Disco: “You’d better be naked when I come up there!”



“But...”



“Upstairs!” Twilight said, stamping her hoof. Nyx met Twilight’s hard gaze... and then began to tear up. Breaking into a gallop, Nyx ran upstairs, crying the whole way before slamming the bedroom shut behind her.



Crazy56U: Oh, good one, Twi!



“Twilight, don’t you think you could just let her be in the play?” Spike asked. “I mean, she was really looking forward to it.”



Disco: No one else was.



“I know she was Spike, and I want to let her but... it’s just too risky. If Celestia and Luna were to figure out the truth,



Ezn: “I do not believe that they would be able to handle it.”



that she was made by the spell those cultists were casting... they’d banish her to the moon... take her away.



Ezn: “Even... even if she doesn’t like bananas.”



I... I can’t let that happen.”



Svensvenderson: "No matter how much I want to."

Anon13: On behalf of the readers... DO IT! DO IT NOW!

Disco: You can do it, Twi! Just believe in the me that believes in you!



“Do you really think Celestia would just do that? I mean, she trusts you completely. I’m sure you could convince her that Nyx isn’t Nightmare Moon.”



“I’m glad you think so Spike... but I just can’t risk it.”



Ezn: “This story’s still got another sixteen chapters to go!”



==============



“Now Spike and I



Disco: “But not Past Spike and I. Don’t want to create a time paradox.”



have to meet with the princesses this evening. Celestia expects me and him to be there to watch the evening performances with her and Luna.”



Crazy56U: "And if I'm tardy, I'm going to go bucking insane, so I have to leave now."



Twilight said, talking to Nyx, the filly dressed in her normal, everyday clothes. “Owlowiscious will be keeping an eye on you, and I expect you to behave for him.”



“Yes Ma’am.” Nyx said, the tone of disappointment thick



Svensvenderson: With just a hint of scorn for flavor.

Ezn: She was positively italic with disappointment and scorn.



in her voice.



“And... I am sorry Nyx, and I promise I’ll make this up to you.” Twilight said, having to turn to leave. “Now, try not to think about it. Spike and I will be back soon.”



Disco: Scootaloo’s mother said the same thing.

Ezn: I heard she left a note.



“Okay...”



With that Twilight stepped out the door, closing it tightly behind her. Owlowiscious then flew across the room, taking the key from the door lock in his talons before landing on the edge of Twilight’s writing desk.



Nyx’s eye brows furrowed once Twilight was gone, the little filly kicking at some books on the floor as she stomped around the floor.



Ezn: The books bounced around on the floor while the carpet sat on the floor and the floor held up the walls.



“It isn’t fair... it isn’t fair! Cheerilee is expecting me to be there, they’re all counting on me! I practiced so hard! It isn’t fair....”



“Hoo.”



DiStort: Translation: SHUT UP.



Nyx looked over at Owlowiscious, the horned owl watching her. Nyx then went wide eyed, quickly scampering over to the owl.



Disco: There was no food in the library, and she was starving.



“Please, Owlowiscious, let me go to the play. Everypony is counting on me. They won’t be able to do it without me. I’m supposed to be Nightmare Moon and you can’t tell the story without Nightmare Moon.”



Crazy56U: For some reason, her shadow moved when she said that.

Ezn: Meta.



“Hoo?”



“Nightmare Moon, the bad mare.



Ezn: Bad mare! Bad mare! Bad mare! She’s bad!



Please, Owlowiscious... Please please please please PLEEAASSEEE.”



Casca: The power of caps lock compels you!

Disco: Ugh, Rarity flashback.

Vimbert: I know that feel.



The owl’s gaze met Nyx’s for a moment,



CTOONfan1: They leaned in and... oh sorry. Wrong fic.

Crazy56U: ... (scoots away)

RingmasterJ5: Sadly, that probably exists.



the filly looking up at him with the biggest, most pleading eyes she could muster. She was evening



Casca: Because being a certain time of day will do wonders for your complexion.

Hellioning: I dunno, it doesn't seem to do much for Twilight.



doing a trick Sweetie Belle taught her, the filly pushing out her bottom lip in a pout.



Ezn: Then the owl pecked off her face for being an emotionally manipulative little brat.



“Hoo....”



Casca: Translation: Darn this plot, it drives me to betray my owner.



The owl replied, almost in defeat. Taking off, he flew across the room and expertly placed the key in the door lock.



Ezn: “When you bin doin’ this as long as I have kid, puttin’ a key in a lock’s as easy as puttin’ a key in a lock.”



He then flew around, making another pass as he turned the key and opened the door.



Disco: No! Look what you’ve done! Bad owl!

Ezn: Bad owl! Bad owl! Bad owl! He’s bad!

Crazy56U: Silly Disco; the plot says this is a GOOD thing! ...I think.



“OH! Thank you Owlowiscious! Thank you thank you thank you!!!” Nyx said with several bounces before running upstairs.



Ezn: Where she was met by the police and taken to jail for exclamation point abuse.



In a flash the filly alicorn got out of her vest and tossed off her glasses



Ezn: I don’t really even need to say it anymore.



before pulling out her costume.



Casca: I put on my robe and wizard hat...

Ezn: The rest of the night was spent trolling Omegle.



With a single leap Nyx landed in all four of the costume shoes



Svensvenderson: Able to land in four shoes in a single bound!



and began putting on other bits of fake armor.



Disco: “Comic-Con, here I come!”



Cheerilee would paint on the cutie mark once Nyx got to the performance, but first she needed to get on her fake wings.



Ezn: Cheerilee was kinda weird about painting that way.



While it seemed pointless, since the filly alicorn already had wings,Twilight insisted that if she was going to be in the play that she had to wear the fake wings that went with the costume and keep her wings hidden underneath.



Ezn: Plothole averted!



The fake wings, however, were difficult to get on. The one part of the costume that wasn’t very well designed and usually needed to be put on before the helmet, which Nyx was already wearing. Still, not wanting to waste time taking off the helmet, Nyx struggled to just get the wings on. She was making progress



CTOONfan1: Actually, I think Andrew Joshua Talon writes that.

Crazy56U: Great, now we have two cases of plagiarizing! Pen Stroke is SO sued!



after fumbling with the wings for a few minutes, only to trip tripped



CTOONfan1: Double the tripping, double the OUCH!

Ezn: Huzzah!

Anon13: That often happens when you don't put your verb tenses where they belong.



over her own hooves. The wings hit the floor and Nyx landed on top of them, the fall punctuated by the sound of snapping wood.



Ezn: I wish more things in this story would be punctuated.



“Oh no!” Nyx half shouted,



Vimbert: Half-whimpered



looking at the now horribly bent wings.



Disco: It’s just like every Rainbow Dash fic ever!

Ezn: “Help! Help! Someone did a find-and-replace with Nyx and Rainbow Dash on the Past Sins docs and now Seth has banned the fic!”



The filly pushed at them with her hoof, which only caused one of the fake wings to snap in half. She looked down at the costume wings for a time, and then glanced back at hers.



“It... it will be fine. I just have to keep my wings standing up.” Nyx said, smiling as she extended her little wings vertically.



Disco: Must...resist...wingboner joke!

Anonymous: I won't! WINGBONER! HAH!

Crazy56U: Dude! She's a filly!

RingmasterJ5: Uhh, Crazy, you do realize that Twilight’s probably taught her all about that during their “special times”, right?

Anon13: With help from Rarity’s “Special” book collection?

RingmasterJ5: Yes, those are used to weigh her down.

Disco: Wow.

Anon13: … you went there.

RingmasterJ5: It happens when you’ve read every ComicsNix fic. You go EVERYWHERE with fanfic sex jokes.



The filly knew she was going to be in SO much trouble with Twilight once she got home, but that didn’t matter at the moment. She had responsibility to her friends and the rest of her class.



Disco: By stopping that travesty of a play.



Making sure the rest of her costume was secured and in good shape, Nyx galloped back downstairs and out the front door, racing towards the Spring Festival after offering a final loud “Thank you!” to Owlowiscious, who replied with his characteristic hoot.



CTOONfan1: It's literally all he has to his character.





=====================================================================



Questions, Comments, Concerns?



DiStort: More than you can count.



pen.stroke.pony@gmail.com



My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.



Hellioning: And thank Faust for that.



=====================================================================





Chapter 6

Reunion of the Royal Pony Sisters



Crazy56U: Tonight, on a very special Jerry Springer.



===========================



Twilight, along with the rest of the audience, applauded as the preceding performance ended.



CTOONfan1: Thank Celestia it's over!

Crazy56U: Not even close, junior.



All of Ponyville as well as a number of ponies from other towns were sitting in the city’s central square, which had been transformed into a outdoor theater for the Spring Festival.



Ezn: Theater is a art.



A large stage, with all the bells and whistles of proper lighting and the such,



Anon13: Whoa, the such is in this? Awsum!!!

Drizzel: EXCELLENT! (guitar riff)



had been set up on one side of the plaza that surrounded the town hall. The area was packed with ponies, all eagerly standing



Ezn: Dayum, that standing. I know I get eager when I’m standing.



and waiting to see the many performances. Twilight, however, wasn’t among the ponies below but instead was seated up on a balcony of the town hall.



Svensvenderson: 'Cause she's special.



She, Spike, and her friends had been invited to sit with Princess Celestia and Luna



Disco: and her abacus



in what was being called the VIP section, for



Disco: Vaguely Idiotic Protagonists?

Vimbert: Very Idiotic Protagonists.



Very Important Ponies.



“Oh, that was a funny one!



GelidEnmity: “So funny I completely went out of character!”

Vimbert: “Not that anypony noticed, because none of us are in character!”



I loved the one part where they threw a pie.” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing on her sitting cushion.



Vimbert: “Pinkie Pie, that was all they did for twenty-five minutes.”



“Yea,” Rainbow Dash agreed, “That was pretty sweet.”



Vimbert: Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, the pies had been left out too long, and were becoming decidedly sour by that point.



“Total laugh riot.” Spike added.



GelidEnmity: “The laughs circled around the bank, screaming ‘We are the 99%!’ while being sprayed in the face with pepper spray.”



“The humor was low brow...



CTOONfan1: Is there any better?



but enjoyable.” Rarity offered as a counter point.



Vimbert: She counters a point by agreeing completely. Master debater Rarity is not.



“Though I particularly liked the joke about blues music.”



Ezn: And suddenly this fic became Tangled Up in Blues.

DiStort: Wait, Equestria has blues music? Who invented it? Zebras?

Svensvenderson: I smell a Blues Brothers crossover fanfic in the works.

Crazy56U: Not before the "Big Lebowski" crossover; Season 2 demands it.



“Really? Cause that one was kind of stupid if you ask me.” Applejack argued.



“It must have simply gone over your head.”



GelidEnmity: Much like everything in her school years.

Vimbert: Well, she is an earth pony.



“Really, then wouldn’t it have hit her hat?” Pinkie Pie asked, a question that made Rainbow Dash snort.



Svensvenderson: Just say no RD!

Ungulateman: Winners don’t do drugs!



“Oh... oh geeze, somepony should tell those stallions that one; that’s a joke that should be in a play.”



The others were giggling right along with Dash, including Celestia and Luna.



Anonymous: The abacus just made a few clacking noises.

Ungulateman: Luna then spent the next several years studying her abacus’ newfound language instead of being in this fic. THE END.



While the group of ponies had been a little tense around the royal sisters at first,



CTOONfan1: "Don't send us to the moon" was heard a few times.

Drizzel: A few others were panicking about bananas for some reason.



a few good performances and Celestia cracking a particularly witty joke let everypony act a bit more casually.



Disco: Celestia riffs in her free time.

Anon13: She actually knew the bit about the young colt from Nantucket.



“So, what’s next on the program Sister?” Luna asked, eager to see what’s next.



Ezn: “Banana break.”

Private Sprinkles: "I think we should go to wonderful play called Cupca-" "NO!" "awww"

Anonymous: The no came from Pinkie.

Svensvenderson: And everypony else, everywhere.



“Let’s see... the Reunion of the Royal Pony Sisters by the Ponyville Elementary School.”



“Oh yeah, this is the one I’ve been waiting for.” Dash said eagerly, sitting up on her cushion. “This is the one about us!”



Disco: “Get your rotten tomatoes ready!”



“Personally, I just hope Apple Bloom don’t make me look like a foal.” Applejack admitted.



Disco: A bit late for that, AJ.

Ezn: You’re already a silly pony.



“Don’t need no ponies snickerin’ behind my back because of this.”



Disco: Don’t worry, they’ll laugh in your face.



“I’m sure Apple Bloom will do fine.” Fluttershy reassured. “After all, she actually knows you. I don’t even know the pony whose going to be playing me.”



GelidEnmity: When Fluttershy stopped talking, the camera panned to reveal a fat pony with foals attempting to escape her folds.



“Yea, I guess yer right.



GelidEnmity: Not her left?



Hey, says here in this program they got Nyx to play Nightmare Moon.”



“Really! That’s awesome! I bet she’s gonna make a great Nightmare Moon.” Rainbow Dash offered.



CTOONfan1: Oh you have no idea.

Anon13: Spoilers, dude.... oh who am I kidding.



“I... I wouldn’t get your hopes up, Girls. Nyx



GelidEnmity: From now on, I’ll always yell at the mention of Nyx.

NYYYYYYYYYYYX!!!

Midnight: Hi Nyx, would you mind playing yourself because we’re not quite sure that everypony is ostracising the incarnate remnant of evil quite enough this week.



wasn’t feeling well earlier.”



“Oh, the poor thing; did she have a stomach ache?” Fluttershy asked.



Ezn: “You could probably call it that, yeah.”



“Oh yes, really nasty tummy ache.” “Twilight lied.



Disco: Our heroine, folks.

GelidEnmity: Did she eat too many apples?

Vimbert: Apples filled with POIZEN



“I actually left her back at the library with Owlowiscious.



Svensvenderson: “Who?”

Crazy56U: That is true, Who is in fact on first base.



I doubt she’ll be able to make it.”



“Twilight, it sounds like this little filly is living with you.” Celestia pointed out. “I’m surprised you haven’t told me.”



Vimbert: “We weren’t going to reach pedophilia until next month. I applaud your enthusiasm.”



“Oh... really? Ha ha...



Private Sprinkles: What a story Mark. So how is your sex life?

Crazy56U: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SPRINKLES!

Ungulateman: Oh, hi doggy.

GelidEnmity: Doggy: “Don’t touch me mother focker!”



I thought I’d told you about her back when she first arrived. She’s my cousin... half-cousin,



Ezn: and half-shouted

Ungulateman: It’s not very nice to buy someone half a drink.



really ... but yea, she’s been staying with me for a while now.” Twilight answered, trying to keep as casual as possible but unable to stop herself from putting on



Ezn: formalwear

Ungulateman: airs of nobility



a stupid, forced smile.



Disco: Twi, Celestia doesn’t even need to be omnipotent to know you’re lying.

Anonymous: Its official. Twi is now a worse liar than AJ.



“Well, I do hope you’ll introduce me to her.”



Vimbert: Someone botched a Sense Motive roll.

CTOONfan1: Apparently living over 1000 years and ruling a country hasn't taught her how to read an obvious lie.

Ungulateman: I’m more worried about what Molestia would do to Nyx.



“I’d love to, but like I said she wasn’t feeling well so she may not be up to it this evening.”



Ungulateman: Go on. Read this out of context. Consider Molestia. Read it out of context again.



“I understand. Perhaps another time.” Celestia assured,



Vimbert: And another botch.

Anon13: Dude. Get new dice, yours suck.



turning her pink eyes



Ezn: And suddenly this fic became a popular Fallout Equestria spinoff.



back to the stage where Ponyville’s mayor was stepping out.



Disco: “I’ll banish her one of these days.”



“Ladies and Gentlecolts,



Vimbert: No “Fillies and gentlecolts”? PAST SINS CANON STATUS LOST



I am now proud to present the Ponyville Elementary School’s original



Ezn: lol



play, The Reunion of the Royal Pony Sisters.”



DiStort: "Copyright Cheerilee."

Anonymous: Ahem You mean: Stolen by Cherilee.

Crazy56U: Hey, what Faust doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

Anonymous: But Faust knows all.

Vimbert: No, you see, Cherilee made a FAUSTian bargain to obtain the rights.



The crowd applauded, the parents in the crowd particularly loud



Vimbert: As they had been drinking to dull the pain.



as the mayor stepped off the stage and the curtains opened. Some smoke began to curl out from the stage, a few dark set pieces looming in the sea of mist.



Disco: Oh, look. Someone set the stage on fire. Can we go home now?



The only light came from the stars and moon above, and for a moment all things were quiet.



“Beware... Beware you pony folk, for the tale I am about to tell is no joke.



Disco: You sure about that, Zecora?

Vimbert: Unlike the tale we’re reading.

Ezn: Beware, beware, you riffing folk, for this riff here is no- oh wait...

Midnight: beware beware you zebra folk, to speak in rhyme, it is no joke. If your meter’s off or candence wide, your poetic license will be denied.



A story begun in days, months, and years gone by, about the pony sisters who, in harmony, ruled the sky.”



simonAJ: The Earth was left to the care of some guy named John.

Anon13: He didn't mind, he had a well-cared-for lawn.

Midnight: And as we all know, earth ponies ruled the land and the sea ponies ruled the sea. shoo-shoo-be-doo.



At this one of the set pieces on the stage moved, causing a few ponies to gasp as the figure stepped forward and one of the stage lights clicked on. Zecora stood for a moment in her cloak, eyes glowing beneath the hood, but she then lowered it and offered a smile to the crowd, taking in their shocked faces.



Disco: “Ugh, what’s a zebra doing here?!”

Vimbert: Even the earth ponies could look down at a zebra.



“The eldest did guide the sun, raising it up at the dawn. The other brought the moon to the sky when the day had ended and the sun to bed had gone.”



Ezn: A half-rhyme at best. Minus 9001 points.

Midnight: That... that was supposed to rhyme?

Ungulateman: I dunno, accents make rhymes hard. Damn zebras.



At this two more lights clicked on stage, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon standing on either side the stage in their Luna and Celestia costumes.



CTOONfan1: Celestia: I don't really look that much like a bitch, do I?

Private Sprinkles: DOES SHE LOOK LIKE A BITCH!?



As Zecora stepped to one side of the stage, where she would narrate the rest of the play, the two little fillies climbed up some steps hidden behind the backdrop of the play, standing on the backs of the painted wooden mountains while a number of the other students came out and began to dance and play on stage.



“The two sisters brought harmony to the world as they brought balance to the moon and sun,



Ezn: The moon and sun have notoriously complicated accounting records.



and beneath their guidance all different ponies lived, laughed, and had fun.”



“Wow, Zecora is doing a really good job with the whole narrator thing.”



Ezn: “I guess zebras are good for something after all!”



Dash whispered to Applejack, the pair sitting next to each other.



Disco: Appledash sense is tingling!



“You got that right, Sugarcube.”



Anon13: “I’ve totally forgotten everypony’s names, so I just call you all ‘Sugarcube’ like it’s all there is to my character.”



“But, not all would be well in Equestria as the younger sister grew resentful, her actions set to make the future of the land quite eventful.



Crazy56U: But... the future refused to change. The task was quite out of her range.



The ponies of the land did frolic and play, lived much of their lives under the sun’s golden rays. Yet they slept through the night and its majesty. Something, in truth, that was a horrible tragedy.”



DiStort: This was before the days of nightclubs, sadly.

Anon13: And before serenades done by drunks singing badly.



As Zecora narrated, the fillies and colts on stage performed out the scene.



Ezn: while the foals of indeterminate gender performed in the scene



Diamond Tiara, dressed as Celestia,



Ezn: Just in case you forgot.

Anon13: Goldfish rule still in force.



stood proud as the ponies on stage played and laughed, but then when she hid behind the set pieces and Silver Spoon came out as Luna, the other ponies on stage all quickly fell asleep, some playfully snoring.



Anon13: Even fillies could spot a one-note character.

Vimbert: When not even the actors can stay awake, you know you’ve got a winning script on your hooves.



“In time it all became too much for the younger to bear, to have her night ignored... to feel as if no pony cared. One one fateful night she did protest, refusing to lower the moon in the west. All of this in spite of the elder sister’s



Ezn: tea chest

Midnight: feathered vest?



distress.”



“Luna, why won’t you lower the moon? It’s time for the sun to come up.” Diamond Tiara said, over extending the words as she gave a very forced regal tone to her voice. She and Silver Spoon were on the raised steps behind the plywood mountains again, calling to each other on either side of the stage while the other little actors and actresses continued to pretend to sleep.



Disco: The audience wasn’t pretending.



“I am tired of no pony seeing my night.



CTOONfan1: Well maybe if it wasn't so dark...

Ezn: “Can we just kill all the zebras and dragons and stuff? I don’t want them looking at it.”



I work so hard on it and all they do is sleep through it. It’s beautiful and no pony ever sees it but me.”



Ezn: And then Luna started the goth movement.

Ungulateman: CRAWLIIING IIIN MY SKIIIN THESE WOOOUNDS THEY WIIILL NOT HEEEAL



“Well... well...”



“Looks like somepony forgotten her lines.” Rarity whispered.



CTOONfan1: No I have a script right here. Celestia is supposed to say, "Well... well... oh crap I know what the rest of the story is. Just give me a moment."

Anon13: An earlier draft just had a tirade of swearing here.



The story, not the play.



“Personally, I don’t think it could have happened to a nastier filly. Did you know how she used to tease Apple Bloom?”



simonAJ: IWASN'TBULLIEDINSCHOOLANDTHISISN'TWISHFULFILLMENT I mean... Hi! What?



“Well... what else are ponies supposed to do? It’s too dark to work at night and, like, it’s too bright to sleep during the day.”



Ezn: The play had been tailored to the sensibilities of modern audiences. In a deleted scene, Celestia returns from the sun on a rocket-powered surfboard.



Diamond Tiara finally answered. This caused some chuckles to go through the audience, Luna herself snorting at hearing some pony that was supposed to be playing her sister speaking like that.



CTOONfan1: Hehe. Her failure as an actress brings us joy.



Still, Celestia took it in good humor, chuckling a little to herself as well.



Disco: “Add another one to the Banish List!”

CTOONfan1: Honestly, she should've been on it long ago.



“I don’t care!” Silver Spoon replied, able to remember her lines better than Diamond Tiara. “I won’t have my work be ignored anymore. They are going to see the majesty of my night, whether they want to or not.”



CTOONfan1: I shall teach them all to sleep with their eyes OPEN!



“But Sister...” Diamond Tiara called, only for her voice to fall silence as the light on Silver Spoon grew dark



Svensvenderson: We always knew Sliver Spoon was a bit dim...

Crazy56U: Uh, no. She was the smartest of the pair.

Anonymous: And yet still the equivalent of a damp match.

Anon13: This is like the perennial debate over whether Beavis or Butthead is "the smart one".



and Zecora began narrating again.



“But it was too late for kind words to sooth the younger’s heart, too deeply had she been hurt by the ponies who ignored her sky bound art. The bitterness inside her did twist, writhe, and contort, to the point that even the princess’ exterior did



Ezn: come apart



distort.



“Gone was her gentle visage in the emotional monsoon, behind all that was left was the dreadful Nightmare Moon!”



The light on the right side of the stage clicked on again, and gasps cut through the audience.



Ezn: killing hundreds. The event later came to be called the Great Gasp Massacre



Silver Spoon had been replaced by another little filly, with wings stretched high and perfectly still and an all black coat.



Ezn: I WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE...



On her flank was a fairly well painted crescent moon cutie mark and the fake armor looked rather convincing from a distance. The final touch was the filly’s eyes, which appeared to be shaped like dragon eyes,



Ezn: It took some extensive surgery to make them not look like daggers.



a brilliant turquoise with the whites of the eyes replaced with a lighter, blue/green color.



Disco: Her glasses! She can’t be seen without her glasses!



“Hey look, Nyx made it!” Applejack whisper-cheered.



Anon13: OK, how exactly would you do that without hurting yourself?

Ezn: You’ve gotta half-whisper, half-cheer. Every character in this story can do that in their sleep.



“Sweet apples, that little fully does pull off a nice Nightmare Moon.”



“Oh... oh yes, of course.” Rarity agreed, glancing nervously at Twilight. “She’s positively a doppelganger.”



Ezn: FORESHADOWING.

Anonymous: You're really pushing it Rarity.



“Yes, it is very impressive.”



Ezn: “I even feel my banishment senses tingling!”



Celestia commented, leaning towards Twilight. “And its good to see she’s over her tummy ache. Must have just been pre-show butterflies.”



Vimbert: Either Celestia has the worst d20 in the world or she’s just toying with Twilight before she busts out the banishment.

Blahdeblah: Well, she IS called "Trollestia" for a reason...



“Uh... uh yeah... butterflies.” Twilight half answered,



Vimbert: Half-yodeled

Ungulateman: And half-sang (three halves? I DON’T CARE!)



the unicorn suddenly feeling like she was about to lose her dinner.



simonAJ: The dinner is the most likable character in the story. If it goes, I'm outta here.



“Never again will the ponies of Equestria see the sun! I do hereby decree that this night shall last forever! MUWAHAHAHA!!!” Nyx



GelidEnmity: NYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYX!!!



said, faking the evil laugh at the end which brought a small round of laughter from the crowd... laughter that made Twilight look around the crowd in disbelief, wondering why an angry mob hadn’t already formed.



Disco: Most of the readers were too bored to make it this far.



“And night did last across the pony lands, despite the elder sister’s pleas and demands. In the end, with no other choice to be made, the elder sister had to take up the crusade. With the Elements of Harmony, a power beyond all measure, the elder banished her sister... an act in which she took no pleasure.”



DiStort: Though that opinion may vary, depending on who you ask.



The lights on the stage began to flicker on and off in a rainbow of colors



Ezn: To Dash’s approval.

CTOONfan1: Giving everypony seizures.

Crazy56U: Celestia summoned a rave to do in Nightmare Moon! Quick, pass out the glow sticks!

Ungulateman: Illegal drugs for everyone!



as Nyx



GelidEnmity: NYYYYYYYYYYX!!!



offered faked cries of anger.



Ezn: Don’t be fooled, people! Get the real deal. Don’t buy fake!



When the lights returned to normal Nyx



CTOONfan1: There's a normal Nyx? Where's she been?

GelidEnmity: NEEEEVER mind I’m getting bored.

simonAJ: Took you this long? Patience of a saint, hot damn.



had disappeared from view and, in her place, a plywood moon had been lowered down into view on which was painted the visage of the Mare in the Moon.



“To the moon the younger was sent, so that the ponies of Equestria she would never again torment.



CTOONfan1: You just know Luna's squirming.



The elder took on duties two fold,



Ezn: and made all the papercraft ponies without any help.



tending both the moon silver and the sun gold. Harmony was returned, the elder’s actions many did commend.



Ezn: Sadly, the previous sentence did not receive a semicolon in the end.



And for a thousand years all was good... but this story is not at its end.”



Disco: No! End this now! Please!

Ezn: Still seven chapters, bro!



===================



While the play had the level of professionalism that you’d expect from something put on by colts and fillies,



Ezn: or fanfiction on the internet, HYUK HYUK

DiStort: Which is to say, zero. Same for talent.



the crowd as a whole was enjoying it, even those who weren’t parents. After the first scene ended the next part of the play was Nightmare Moon’s return and Twilight meeting up with her friends.



Vimbert: And Spike.

Disco: Derpy was snubbed!



The third act was them going through the Everfree Forest, and facing the trials within.



And, of the crowd, Twilight’s friends seemed to be enjoying it the most. Dash was thrilled to see how awesome she was being portrayed by Scootaloo and Applejack and Rarity



simonAJ: Come on, she's not so fat that you need three actors to portray her.

Crazy56U: No pony decided to question why there were 3 Rainbow Dashes in the play now, and they CERTAINLY didn't question why two of them were played by adults.

Vimbert: Oh my god, triple rainbow...

Ezn: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!



were also satisfied by how well their sisters were acting. Dinky Doo was pulling off a pretty darn good Twilight, though the little filly tripped on her lines occasionally,



Ezn: A vindictive stagehand had left them lying around, you see.



and Pinkie Pie was still grinning ear to ear



simonAJ: This is a lot less endearing if you actually picture it. Go on, try.

Anonymous: HI GIRLS!



from hearing the pony acting her character and sing the song about ghosties and giggling.



It was something they were all enjoying, even Twilight.



Ezn: They were narcissistic like that.



Nyx had appeared on stage a number of times more.



CTOONfan1: Each time met with all the attention a Mary Sue doesn't deserve but gets anyway.



Okay, not exactly on stage.



Disco: She fell off several times.



She had stood on some steps in the background during the town hall scene and, during the forest scenes, she was lowered down on a rope, saying a few lines about what she had planned next for the little ponies before being raised back up.



Ezn: Sadly not as high as the moon.



The unicorn was furious that Nyx had disobeyed her...



Ezn: Sparkler had never babysat a more badly-behaved filly.



but she didn’t dare risk running off to speak with Nyx in the middle of the show; that would have drawn too much attention.



Crazy56U: Especially considering how she was going to use swears.



That and Celestia and Luna were just sitting there, smiling.



Disco: They were waiting for a chance to strike.

CTOONfan1: It took hours to realize they were wax dummies.



They didn’t seem at all phased with how much Nyx resembled Nightmare Moon,



Hellioning: So...the concept of "good costumes" and "looking like the person being portrayed" are foreign to Twilight?



even though the filly’s true, dragon like eyes were visible to everypony.



Twilight needed to figure out a way to explain that before the play ended, but she couldn’t focus on that too much.



Anonymous: OCD and ADHD!

Disco: They have prescriptions for that.



The fourth act was about to start, each act respectably short, but now it was the climax... the part of the play Twilight worried about the most.



CTOONfan1: She worried her hammy speech on friendship wouldn’t be dramatic enough.

Ezn: Twilight often worried about climaxes.



The fourth act was set to occur against the backdrop of the old castle... and the unicorn feared this scene might dredge up unwanted memories in Nyx.



Disco: Like all of Chapter 1.

Ezn: What made things worse was that Act 5 was to be set against the backdrop of Twilight’s bedroom.



“And with the final trial passed the ponies did arrive, to the resting place of the elements they hoped to revive.” Zecora narrated, the zebra’s part in the play becoming smaller after the first act.



Ezn: In a daring metaphor for the zebra’s part in the labour market.



The six ponies playing Twilight and her friends stepped onto the stage, drawing close to the wooden pedestals that held the fake elements of Harmony.



“The Elements of Harmony, we’ve found them.”



Ezn: No, you’ve found the fake ones! Haven’t you been reading this story?



Dinky Doo chimed out, the unicorn cast to play the role of Twilight.



Disco: In case you’ve forgotten.

Anonymous: We seem to be doing that a lot.

Dark Pinkie: Forgot what?

Anon13: Goldfish rule still in effect.



Unlike the real elements, the fake ones were set on pedestals low enough to the ground that the little colts and fillies were able to get them down without actually having to fly or lift them with magic.



“One, two, three, four... There’s only five!” The pony playing Pinkie Pie chimed out.



Ezn: Earth ponies can’t count! Suspension of disbelief = broken



“Squeee!” Pinkie Pie whispered, trying to keep her voice down but finding it difficult. “I said that... I said that! This is so cool. They got everything just right.”



“That’s mostly because of you, Sugarcube, since you somehow remembered everything we exactly said.”



“Oh, that was easy. I just read the transcript.”



Disco: Pinkie memorized all the episodes.

Anonymous: WARNING. FOURTH WALL BREACHED. Twi, please go get the duct tape.

Ezn: The fic! It’s becoming self-aware!

Dark Pinkie: Self aware fics!? RUN! RUN FOR YOUR PONY LIVES!



“You read the what now?”



“Shhh! I’m trying to watch!” Dash grumbled, knowing her character had a line coming up.



“Where’s the sixth?” Scootaloo asked, she and the other fillies looking around while Dinky Doo stepped forward to the five fake elements.



Ezn: Your mom took it with her when she went to buy you ice-cream, Scoots.



“The book said when the five are present, a spark will cause the sixth Element to be revealed.”



“What the hay is that supposed to mean?”



DiStort: It means you clearly dicked something up.



Apple Bloom said, pulling off her sisters accent fairly well.



CTOONfan1: You mean the accent she also has?



“I’m not sure, but I have an idea. Stand back, I don’t know what will happen.”



Disco: Can we skip this part and just watch the episode? Please?



“Come on now, y’all. She needs to concentrate.”



Svensvenderson: We’re going to be here a while.



Apple Bloom said, ushering the others fillies off the stage, leaving only Dinky Doo alone with the fake elements. The little unicorn knelt down beside the painted, round props and made her horn glow, not actually attempting to cast a spell but more for the effect.



The stage, however, began to get enveloped by smoke,



Ezn: But stopped about halfway because no-one wanted to lick the envelope.



fog machines in the back casting out the thick white clouds as purple lights shown on the mist. A few of the students, who had slipped out costume, used some ropes to pull the fake pedestal that had held the elements back, out of the middle of the stage.



Hellioning: So, um, the concept of a "stage crew" is foreign to Equestria?



Then, other students working backstage pulled on some fishing string. The fishing string was attached to the fake elements of harmony, causing them to slide away from Dinky Doo and then hang in the air above the right side of the stage while Nyx stepped into view.



Ezn: All this technical information is sure to come in handy when I steal some ponies from the petting zoo and take this show on the road.



“The Elements!” Dinky called, reaching out a hoof.



Ezn: “THEY’RE ALIIIIIIIVE!”



Nyx only replied to this with a laugh, the lights flickering on stage while students smashed pots and pans together in the background to simulate thunder and lighting.



Ezn: VERY VERY FRIGHTENING

Anon13: Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro.....

Disco: MAGNIFICO-O-O



Still, despite her laughter, Dinky did as the real Twilight Sparkle did.



Ezn: and handed Nyx over to the Princesses just in case she was actually Nightmare Moon.

Svensvenderson: Dinky must be a method actor.

Disco: The amount of studying must have scarred her for life.



She lowered her head, and beat her hoof at the ground aggressively.



Ezn: And blew air out of her nose. You forgot that part.



“You're kidding. You're kidding, right?”



Disco: A common reaction to the story.



Dinky, however, charged at Nyx, the black filly doing the same.



Ezn: It had taken a lot of practice before Nyx fully mastered charging at herself.

Isphone: It’s just like chasing your tail, but really fast.



Just as the two were about to cross paths



Svensvenderson: Don’t cross the paths!



the stage lights went pitch black. When the lights came back on Nyx was still in the center of the stage, but Dinky Doo was over by the fake elements, her horn glowing.



CTOONfan1: Suddenly the props were muffins. Mom was so proud.



Some students began flashing flashlights



Ezn: Flashlights? No evidence of flashlights in canon. Past Sins canon status revoked.

Midnight: Again.



on the painted props, trying to make it look like they were starting to activate.



Nyx raced across the stage,



Ezn: bringing fall to a close in record time.



but before she could reach Dinky Doo the stage lights flashed a bright white, a number of them turned out on the audience to blind them as well. When the blinding effect was gone,



Disco: Numerous ponies were rushed to the hospital.



Dinky Doo was on the far side of the stage, looking like she had been thrown back while Nyx stood in the center of the fake Elements of Harmony, the students around her still flicking flashlights on and off and waving them around as if the elements were about to activate.



“No, no!” Nyx snapped, shrinking back in fear of the fake elements, but as in reality the elements did not activate, the students playing with the flashlights stopping while Dinky Doo put on an overly large expression of shock.



Ezn: The expression bunched up around her ankles in a rather unsightly manner.



“But... where's the sixth Element?!”



Hellioning: Um...everywhere? carbon’s pretty common...

Crazy56U: Isn’t it obvious? There IS none! You got Punk’d!



Nyx, however, only broke out her playful, evil laughter as she stomped on the fake Elements of Harmony, causing some of the more invested crowd members to gasp.



Ezn: “Damnit! I knew I shouldn’t have invested in ancient magical stones.”



Twilight, however, was holding her breath.



Disco: She enjoyed indulging in her kinks in public.



This was the moment, this was the part of the play she had worried about the most.



DiStort: This would make or break Nyx’s acting career.



Nyx finished stomping on the last of the elements,



Ezn: Rustle was there with his ruler; the broken bits of element were each less than two centimetres thick.



turning about to face Dinky Doo on the far side



Ezn: brandishing her cow tools



of the stage. The filly put on the wickedest smile she could manage,



Ezn: She’d spent hours poring over Twilight’s collection before choosing it, and it had not been cheap.



lifting a hoof to point at Dinky.



But then Nyx froze up, her eyes narrowing.



Disco: She had to sneeze.



The audience all leaned forward in anticipation, none more so than Twilight who felt her heart skip a beat.



Ezn: Poor little Miss Who-Felt-Her-Heart-Skip-A-Beat was always picked on at school.



Off stage, Cheerilee calling to Nyx from offstage, not getting into view but close enough she could whisper at the filly, trying to remind her of her lines.



“You... you little foal! Thinking you could defeat me!?” Nyx finally said, her voice shaking at first and then turning very dark, very serious, and very convincing.



Disco: And very redundant.



“Now you will never see your princess, or your sun!



“The night will last forever!” Nyx finished before letting out an evil laugh, the most convincing evil laugh the audience had heard from the filly all evening.



Vimbert: It was about as menacing as Fluttershy when she wasn’t Talking The Monster to Death. BECAUSE IN CASE YOU FORGOT THIS IS A PONY FIC, GUYS

Anon13: Goldfish, Vim. All the best fics assume the reader’s a goldfish.



It sent a shiver down Twilight’s spine, as she had heard the real Nightmare Moon say those very same words and in a very similar way.



Vimbert: It was almost as though someone had tried to recreate every line said! However, Twilight knew such an idea was ridiculous.



It made the unicorn swallow nervously,



Ezn: Still, she swallowed.



looking over at Celestia and Luna. The princesses still seemed to be just enjoying the play...



Disco: Luna was nuzzling her abacus.



but Twilight still couldn’t shake the thought from her mind.



CTOONfan1: “Did I leave the curling iron on?”



Nyx had said those last lines too well.



Anon13: Actual talent in a school play is always suspicious.

Anonymous: Like common sense or plot.



===================



“And thus the night again became ruled over by the younger, banished from her body the vengeful hunger.



Crazy56U: So...Luna went evil because she skipped dinner?



And from this story may a lesson you firmly grip, there is nothing stronger than the power of friendship.”



With those last lines from Zecora the stage curtains fell shut, and the audience broke into a roaring round of applause.



Disco: It’s over! It’s finally over!

Ungulateman: If only the fic was too!



A few moments later the curtains opened, Cheerilee stepping onto the stage and offer a few quick bows and waves.



Ezn: At half-price!



“Thank you all!” The teacher offered. “I’m happy to see you all enjoyed the play.



Ezn: “On an unrelated note, I’ve always had trouble reading emotion in facial expressions.”

DiStort: Actually, they're all just baked out of their minds right now. Good effort, though.



The students worked really hard and, because of their efforts, this became one of the best plays ever put on by Ponyville Elementary School.



Vimbert: It was actually our first, but that’s beside the point!

Isphone: This also technically means it’s the worst.



Now, let’s have a round of applause for these colts and fillies who did such an excellent job. First, a round of applause for the colts and fillies who played our story’s heroes. First, Dinky Doo!”



Ezn: “First, her horn! Clap for her horn’s ability to light up. Second, her mouth! Clap for her mouth’s ability to deliver lines!”



The crowd complied, stomping hooves as the students began to stream onto stage. Cheerilee introduced every filly and colt by name as they came out, doing her best to shout above the applause of her crowd.



Ezn: She had trained them well, and made a note to give them a treat after the show.



The first to come out, doing so one by one, where the fillies who played the parts of Twilight and her friends. Applejack gave out an extra loud holler



Svensvenderson: “YOU STINK!”



when Apple Bloom came on stage, and Rarity put her hooves together and whistled when it was Sweetie Belle stepped out next.



“Next, we have the fillies who portrayed our dearest Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, who grace us with their presence this evening. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.”



Crazy56U: Get the tomatoes ready!



Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were the next to come out, acting like proper divas as they smirked and bowed in their Luna and Celestia costumes. They, of course, lingered on the stage for a little longer than they should, soaking in the appropriate and proper amount of applause



Ezn: The ever-diligent Rustle was on hoof with a stopwatch and a decibel meter.



before Cheerilee motioned for them to back up



Ezn: ‘cause their daddies taught them good



and stand with the others.



“And now, playing the wicked and dastardly Nightmare Moon, give a big round of applause for



Ezn: “Nightmare Moon!”



Nyx!”



Twilight was shocked when the crowd cheered very, very loudly as Nyx ran onto stage,



Ezn: Rustle had run some wires between her chair and the decibel meter.



as loud as the applause had been for Dinky Doo and the other fillies who played the mane characters in the play. Applause that was also a whole lot louder than what Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had received, and by the looks on their faces the two snooty fillies knew it.



Twilight couldn’t keep herself from applauding either,



Disco: A side effect of Mary Sue Syndrome.



even though Nyx was still in SO much trouble. Twilight even heard a whistle come from her side, Celestia putting a hoof to her lips and offering a very loud, very supportive cheer whistle for Nyx.



Private Sprinkles: I’m having trouble imagining how you could whistle with a hoof.

Crazy56U: It’s really not that hard. I’d tell you how I know...but that petting zoo told me to never mention it again.



Even Luna was applauding, despite the fact Nyx had been portraying something that Luna probably only wished to forget.



Ungulateman: Just like this story.

CTOONfan1: I wish we were allowed to forget.

Ungulateman: Forget what?

Anon13: Goldfish syndrome!



Did the two princesses really just believe Nyx was in costume? It was a saving grace Twilight would never have believed possible.



Anon13: PRAISE the Random Number God for sucky die rolls!



Nyx bowed just a few times before stepping back to stand with the others, the rest of the fillies and colts who had played parts in the play taking the stage



Ezn: back home with them



and bowing. Some of the colts and fillies then stepped forward again as they were given credit for the costumes and set construction. The final two ponies invited up were Lyra, a mint green unicorn who had composed the background music to the play, and, of course, Zecora, who had really kicked the play up to the next level with her eloquent narration.



Anon13: Granted, in this case it meant going from “atrocious” to “terrible”, but good effort!



Cheerilee was last to bow, since she was the one that took the stories and transcribed them for the kids to perform,



Disco: It’s all her fault! Get her!



and, with a final bow from the group,



Ezn: So Cheerilee actually wasn’t the last to bow! Stop lying to me, Pen Stroke! I thought we had something special!



the curtains closed, the performances of the Spring Festival taking an hour intermission



CTOONfan1: You mean it STILL isn’t over?

Ezn: They still have to do the rest of season one.

Lily: OH! The horror! The HORROR!



so ponies could stretch and get dinner if they wanted.



================



“Mommy!” Dinky Doo chirped



Ezn: Nyx wiped a solitary tear from her eye, and beamed with pride.



as she ran up to a gray coated and blond maned pegasus. “Did I do good?”



Disco: “No, you were terrible. No dessert for you.”



“You were wonderful Muffin.”



Vimbert: Am I the only one that thinks using one’s favorite thing to eat as a term of endearment is creepy?



Ditzy Doo replied, giving her little filly a noogie



Ungulateman: Ditzy doesn’t like her child.



and a hug. Twilight passed by the warm scene with Rarity,



Ezn: Good thinking, Twilight! Let’s roast some marshmallows!



Applejack, and Rainbow Dash as they moved backstage to where the students were getting out of their costumes.



Ezn: Twilight moaned in anticipation.



It didn’t take long for the quarter to find the fillies they were looking for.



Ezn: These aren’t the fillies you’re looking for.

DiStort: Talk about a determined 25 cents.



Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Nyx drinking some water from paper cups.



Disco: Celestia spiked their drinks with roofies beforehand.

Ezn: And suddenly this was The Hangover.



Three of the fillies had already gotten out of most of their costumes, while Nyx was still completely in hers.



Ezn: Evil night demons were that evening’s kink.



“Darlings that was positively fabulous!”



Disco: “Just like Steven Magnet!”



Rarity chimed, alerting the four fillies



Svensvenderson: “When alerted, the fillies’ fight or flight response is activated.”

Hellioning: *insert Snake-being-spotted sound effect here*



to the group’s approach. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all quickly turned and ran over,



Ezn: a dog that foolishly tried to cross the road



grinning ear to ear. Nyx, however hung back a bit, trying not to meet Twilight’s gaze.



“Really, was it good?”



“Positively pitch perfect.” Rarity assured.



Disco: “Like my fake accent!”



“Yea, big props,



Ezn: “I like plays with big props.”

Anon13: And I cannot lie/you other fillies can’t deny...



Scootaloo, you got me down pat.”



“ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.” Scootaloo rattled off,



Ezn: JUST LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN S01E16 “Sonic Rainboom”.

DiStort: Dash! You know Scootaloo is prone to seizures!



overwhelmed by the fact that she was getting such a compliment from her personal hero Rainbow Dash.



“How about me Big Sis?”



“It was like lookin’ in a mirror Sugarcube.” Applejack said, giving Apple Bloom a big smile.



CTOONfan1: So did Apple Bloom grow or Applejack shrink?

Ezn: “First one’s free.”



“Y’all did a great job, didn’t they Twilight?”



“Yes, they all did an amazing job.” Twilight agreed.



Ezn: It was much better than that one time when they tried to build a table in S01E17 “Staremaster”.

Isphone: They were building a table?



It was the first time since the unicorn arrived that Nyx chanced looking up, her currently undisguised dragon eyes meeting Twilight. In that silent moment Nyx was able to smile, seeing that Twilight wasn’t glaring at her with disappointment or anger.



Disco: Unlike the readers.



“Even me?” Nyx ventured.



“Shoot, of course Nyx.” Applejack reassured. “Especially that last Nightmare Moon laugh. Whoa nelly, sent a shiver down my spine.”



Ezn: “Nelly’s a kidder like that, with her shivers.”



“Wow, nice work on her eyes Twilight.” Dash said, the pegasus fluttering over and inspecting Nyx’s dragon eyes more closely. “I didn’t know you knew a spell for this.”



“I just learned it.”



Svensvenderson: "You know, because of all the reading I do. In the library. With the books. That I read."



Twilight lied, thankful Rainbow Dash had assumed it was a spell, which was going to be Twilight’s cover story anyway.



“That is so awesome. I got to try it.”



“Say what now?”



Ezn: What now.



“Come on Twi.” Dash said, landing and using a hoof to motion towards her eyes. “I want to see what I look like with dragon eyes.”



Twilight forced a smile, having not realized that she might actually be asked to perform the spell. Still, there was no going back now. She’d have to try, at least once, and if she failed



Ezn: she’d be sent back to Magic Kindergarten



then she could tell Dash she’d do it tomorrow. And then she’d hope that Dash would forget or that she could figure out the spell before then.



Disco: Assuming she didn’t fry Dash’s skull accidentally.



Still, maybe she could pull it off. It would just be an illusion spell, like the one she put on Nyx’s glasses... she’d just have to apply it straight to Dash’s eyes.



Vimbert: APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE EYE

Crazy56U: Hmm... Unicorn horn... plus eyeballs... ...I don't see anything wrong there!



No biggie... okay, it was a biggie,



Disco: Twilight’s spells come in Short, Tall, Biggie, and Venti.



but Dash and the other



Vimbert: The Other was there. The Other was watching. Always.



were watching her expectantly so Twilight couldn’t do anything but try.



Svensvenderson: ...and fail hilariously.

Ezn: Do or do not. There is no “try”.



Closing her own eyes, the purple unicorn focused her magic as her horn glowed. She gritted her teeth, concentrating, and then she felt the flash



Ezn: SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE!



of the spell going off. For a moment the unicorn didn’t dare to look, fearing she had done something horrible to Dash.



Disco: She’d read enough fanfics to be worried.



But “awwws” of amazement from the other ponies around encourage Twilight to look, and to see Dash’s now very



Ezn: broken wings and exposed intestines.



dragon looking eyes. A strong pink center,



Disco: With a creamy chocolate filling,



with dagger shaped pupil and the whites of the pegasus’ eyes now a lighter pink.



“Whoa... this is so awesome!” Dash said, catching her reflection in a nearby wall mirror.



Ezn: “This spell lets me grab reflections!”



“I am, like, 20% cooler now at least.”



Anon13: Whoa, where’d that catchphrase come from? The show should use that!



“Well don’t get used to it. The illusion spell will wear off quickly.”



Disco: If your illusion lasts for more than four hours, consult a physician immediately.



“Still, I’m going to enjoy this while it lasts. After we’re done here we got to find Pinkie Pie. She is so going to freak out when she sees this.”



Anonymous: Careful. Pinkie is easily suprised and is known to have a hacksaw concealed in her mane.

Crazy56U: ...why DO they call it a hacksaw, anyway?

Anon13: They keep showing up in hack fics.



“Yea, I reckon all you little fillies have worked up quite the appetite with all this here acting. How about we catch up with Fluttershy and Pinkie and then all go get dinner together?”



“YEA!!!” The fillies cheered out in unison.



“Sounds good.” Twilight agreed, “Why don’t you go on ahead and find us a place to eat. I need to help Nyx out of her costume.”



CTOONfan1: If you hear screams of pain or cries for help, it's just a stuck zipper.



The others offered nods in agreement,



Ezn: for just $2.99.



heading off the stage and leaving Twilight and Nyx alone.



Disco: Nyx was never seen alive again.



When their friends were out of sight, Twilight turned her gaze down on Nyx, raising an eyebrow as she tapped a hoof expectantly.



Ezn: “Get that costume off and go directly to my bedchambers!”



“I’m in trouble, aren’t I?” The filly asked.



“Big time.”



Ezn: “but small space.”

DiStort: "You're getting a visit from mister naughty stick when we get home."



Twilight replied, but with a smile “But... you were right. It wasn’t fair of me to try and keep you from the play and you did an amazing job.”



“Really?”



Disco: Haha, no. The Abridged Series was better!



“Yes, really.” Twilight reassured as she nuzzled the filly. “Though, would you mind telling me why I can see your real wings and why you don’t have your glasses?”



“Well, when I was trying to get my costume on, I kind of... broke the costume wings. But, I’ve been keeping my wings up like this all night so nopony has been able to tell the difference.”



Vimbert: Because feathers look exactly like cardboard!



“And the glasses?”



“I... forgot them.”



Disco: “I’m cosplaying Velma, remember?”



“Well, if there was a night to forget your glasses this was it.” Twilight said with a chuckle. “Now, stay close to me. I’m going to have to teleport us back to the library real quick so you can get your glasses and vest. Then we’ll come back here so we can have fun and eat dinner with your friends.”



“Really? You aren’t going to make me stay at the library?”



CTOONfan1: No. That would be merciful to the readers.



“Kind of pointless now that the play is over.



Disco: “I don’t want another tick infestation.”



So, no, you can come back with me and have dinner with everypony.”



“YAY!!!”



“And then we’ll discuss your punishment in the morning.”



“Awww...”



Crazy56U: At least Pen Stroke decided to not use the "WAH WAH WAAAAAH" thing here.

Vimbert: SHH, YOU KNOW HE'S LISTENING



================



“But Daddy, how could they cheer louder for her? She was the bad mare, and I was Princess Celestia.”



DiStort: I think you just answered your own question, kid.

Ezn: “Nightmare Moon doesn’t turn ponies to stone, dear.”

Crazy56U: Easy, villains are cooler.

Isphone: And because Nyx's guardian can, and will, turn ponies into cacti.



“Diamond Tiara, please be quiet and eat your dinner.” The filly’s mother scolded. Diamond Tiara’s family and Silver Spoon’s family were seated together at one of Ponyville’s cafes, the restaurant a fair distance from the festivities of the Spring Festival so it wasn’t too crowded. The parents had been chatting lightly about the performance, but had since gone onto other topics despite Diamond Tiara’s continued desire to keep whining about what had happened.



Anon13: Mainly the parents’ unspoken agreement to sell the kid at the first opportunity.



The worst of it was Diamond Tiara hadn’t been able to escape Nyx either.



Ezn: I know that feel, DT.



Within ten minutes of her family’s arrival at the restaurant Nyx had arrived with a large group of ponies, and were now laughing and having fun at the far end of the restaurant.



Ezn: “She’s even got an entourage! Why can’t I have an entourage?”



“Oh, look Honey.”



Ezn: Mmm, honey...



Diamond Tiara’s mother whispered, drawing the father’s attention as well Diamond Tiara’s.



Ezn: DT’s mother was a master at Pictionary.



The whole restaurant in fact had turned their heads, watching as Celestia and Luna not only approached but then walked into the restaurant.



Anon13: “THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT WANTS ONE OF THESE ‘HAPPY MEALS’!”

Drizzel: Then she gets a sad meal and turns into nightmare moon.



“I wonder what brings them to this quaint little eatery. It’s not exactly what I would consider royal class.” Silver Spoon’s mother whispered.



“Well, isn’t it obvious?



Disco: “They’re here to banish us!”



They were so enamored by our daughters’ performances that they came looking for them.



Anonymous: Seriously? I mean... Seriously?

Crazy56U: (2X Facehoof Combo)

CTOONfan1: Make that 3X.



Now, everypony look your best.”



Ezn: “Silver Spoon, go hide in the bathroom.”



Diamond’s father assured, and soon the four adults and two fillies were doing just that, quickly primping and preparing themselves as the princesses began to walk in their direction. Still, despite Diamond Tiara’s wide grin, the princesses strolled right on by.



“Where are they going?” Diamond Tiara whispered harshly. “No, they aren’t... they are! They’re sitting with those losers!”



CTOONfan1: You mean her personal student and the bearers of the Elements of Harmony who've saved your ass multiple times? Yep. Losers.

Disco: “We’re saved!”



“Diamond Tiara, hush. It’s isn’t our place to judge who the princesses sit with.”



Ezn: “Not in public, anyway.”



“But it isn’t fair! I actually had to dress up and put on a real costume to look like Celestia. Nyx didn’t have to do anything but put on some fake wings to look like Nightmare Moon.”



Drizzel: I’m confused, are we supposed to care?



Diamond Tiara’s father opened his mouth to tell his daughter to be quiet, but as he did, he looked over his shoulder and got a glance of the foal in question. “She does look a great deal like Nightmare Moon, doesn’t she?”



Midnight: FORESHADOWING!



“Like, totally. She didn’t have to even dye her coat or mane or anything. Those are her natural colors. It isn’t even fair.”



Diamond Tiara’s father just kept staring, his azure eyes



DiStort: FORESHADOWING.

Crazy56U: Dun dun DUUUUUN!



flashing a bit before he turned back to the table. “Yes, the natural resemblance is uncanny.”



Disco: “To my fan art.”



================



“Well... that was a long night.” Twilight said, door opening to the library as she strode inside. Both Spike and Nyx were sleeping soundly sprawled across the unicorn’s back,



Disco: Spinyx = OTP.

Ezn: Sparkler was an au pair as well as a babysitter



a cute scene but one that wore Twilight out



Vimbert: Clop clop clop



since she had to carry them all the way back to the library. Owlowiscious offered a welcoming hoot, which Twilight returned



Ezn: for manufacturing defects.



with a nod as she carried Spike and Nyx up to the bedroom.



Spike was the first to get tucked into bed, the dragon mumbling something about Rarity and donuts as he turned over and snuggled into his blanket.



Disco: It’s one of those dreams.

Anon13: “If I hear ‘Who wants a spanking, you naughty filly?’ one more time you are SO out of here.”



Nyx was next, Twilight slipping the filly out of her vest and glasses before putting her under the covers.



Vimbert: Go for the smother!



With the two tucked away, Twilight turned to head down stairs, only to hear a small voice call out to her.



Private Sprinkles: If you build it, they will come...

Drizzel: They told me to burn things...



“Twilight?”



Disco: Think! You’ve got to think! Think Big!



“Oh, sorry Nyx. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Twilight apologized, turning back to see Nyx’s bright turquoise eyes staring at her in the dark.



“It’s okay. Thank you for letting me go to dinner with everypony.”



Disco: “Thank you for not turning me into a cactus.”



“Well, you’re welcome. Now, you should get some sleep. You’ve had a long day.” The unicorn replied, making sure Nyx was properly tucked into bed



Ezn: She quickly skimmed over her well-worn copy of Proper Bed-Tucking Practices



“Okay... but, Twilight?”



“Yes?”



Crazy56U: "Why did you take that poor sentence's period?" "Go to sleep, Nyx."



“You remember what happened in the forest...



Ezn: “What happens in the forest stays in the forest.”



that thing I remembered or dreamed about in the castle... how I wanted to hurt you?”



“Yes, I remember.”



“Was... was that Nightmare Moon’s memory?”



Disco: Nah, just a rerun.



“What... what makes you ask that?” Twilight said, swallowing nervously.



“When I was on stage... when I was saying my last lines...



CTOONfan1: I realized how much better they were than our writing.



I remember that I heard those same words in that nasty memory. I then started saying them just like the nasty voice I heard did... like I had really said them before. Was... what I acted out in the play... was it really the same thing Nightmare Moon did?”



Vimbert: “No, the play written to be an exact recreation of Nightmare Moon’s return added lines.”



Twilight froze up a moment,



Ezn: This moment right here. She made it last forever.

Hellioning: Twilight Sparkle has suffered a fatal error...

Anonymous: Plot.exe has crashed. Please restart fanfic and try again.



debating how to answer the question.



Ezn: “I think I should use words. Words and sentences.”

Ungulateman: “Maybe even clauses!”



She had been striving to try and protect Nyx from the truth... but, after the long day, Twilight didn’t have the metal strength



Anon13: Being mere flesh rather than steel

Isphone: Rainbow Dash: I am the iron pony!

Crazy56U: Can she see, or is she blind?

Ungulateman: Nightmare Moon tried to kill the metal..she FAILED, and was thrown to the ground!



to try and contrive some new lie to shield Nyx. And Nyx was too smart for anything overly simple.



Svensvenderson: That's an interesting definition of 'smart'.



In the end, Twilight could only nod.



“Yes...”



Disco: Yes, except she was far less annoying.



“Twilight... is the reason... is the reason I remember that night... remember you... remember wanting to hurt you...is because I’m.... am... am I Nightmare Moon?”



Hellioning: Yes. Now, we tell Celestia and send her back to the moon!

Ungulateman: THE END. (Apologies to GelidEnmity)



“No.” Twilight said firmly but comfortingly. “You are not Nightmare Moon.”



Blahdeblah: "You just look exactly like her and have her memories. Total coincidence."



“But, what about...”



Twilight gently shushed Nyx, the mare sitting down beside the small bed as a small sigh escaped her lips.



Ezn: “I’M FREE AT LAST!”



“Nyx... I know you’re little, and you may not understand all of this...



Ezn: “Damnit, Twilight, I’m not an earth pony!”



but, I think you deserve to know the truth... or at least, what I think the truth is. You remember where I found you, in the Everfree Forest? How, at the time, you didn’t have any memories before then? How you didn’t even have a name?”



“Yes.”



“Well, I think that is because that was where you were born... or made... and that you only came into existence a few hours before I arrived. You weren’t even a pony until that first moment you woke up tangled in that bush.



CTOONfan1: You were originally a puppet named Pinnyxio.



“Is that how all little fillies are born?”



DisTort: “No, Nyx. That’s how freaks are born.”

Ungulateman: “Although that’s how most fillies are conceived...”



“No, most fillies come from a



Ezn: magic mirror

Ungulateman: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most Sueish of them all?



mother and a father, but you... I believe you were created by a spell.”



“A spell?”



Twilight nodded. “You see, there were some very mean,



Disco: Cross-dressing, bland,

CTOONfan1: Obnoxious, incompetent,

Vimbert: Stereotypical, fabulous,



evil ponies who were trying to bring Nightmare Moon back.”



“Why would they do that?” Nyx asked, sitting up in bed a bit.



Svensvenderson: ‘Cause they’re EEEEEVVIIILLLLL!

Anon13: And stupid. Like most of the characters in this fic.



“I don’t know, but that’s what they were trying to do. They even ponynapped me to use me as part of the spell. They also had pieces of Nightmare Moon, shreds of her magic and body that survived being purified by the Elements of Harmony.



“They were going to use all that to bring Nightmare Moon back, and they were actually able to start the spell. Nightmare Moon began to take form, started to have a new body... but then



Ezn: she got cold feet about the whole “eternal night” thing and decided to pursue other interests.



Celestia arrived and stopped the mean ponies. She interrupted the spell, rescued me, and her guards arrested all the mean, evil ponies involved.



“Then... where did I come from?”



Ungulateman: “I dunno. Internet?”

Disco: “I wish I knew, so I could send you back!”



“The thing about magic is that if you interrupt a spell you can’t really be sure what you’ll get.



Disco: Twilight is well-versed in fanfic cliches.

Ezn: “Although it’s usually transdimensional teleportation.”

midnight: “followed by exploding wings, mind swaps, gender bending and evil doubles.”



The spell that was bringing back Nightmare Moon wasn’t complete when it was interrupted, and... I think you’re the result.



Vimbert: Twilight’s logic. Step 1: spell to create Nightmare Moon.

Step 2: Interrupted, Nyx produced because of spell.

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Nyx is not Nightmare Moon!

Anon13: Step 3 is something about underwear theft, I think...

Drizzel: Profit!



I found you right next to the same clearing where the spell was cast. The whole reason I was there was because the



Ezn: plot demanded it

Midnight: lots of things are demanded by plot...



mean ponies had taken my saddle bags and left them in that part of the Everfree Forest.”



“So... I am Nightmare Moon...”



“No; no, Nyx you are



Ezn: the demons.

Ungulateman: And then Nyx was a zombie.



not.”



DiStort: "Nightmare Moon was a halfway interesting character."



“But you said that I came from that spell!” Nyx snapped,



Ungulateman: her reptilian jaws now matching her extremely sharp eyes



starting to tear up. “And you said that spell was supposed to bring back Nightmare Moon. If that spell made me, then I must be Nightmare Moon!”



Ezn: “Well, when you put it like that... uh, Celestia wants to know if you want an aisle or window seat on your ride to the moon.”



Before Nyx could break down further



Disco: She couldn’t handle those sudden bursts of logic.



Twilight brought her head close, nuzzling the filly’s neck.



Ezn: “I know! I’ll turn you into a vampire! Nightmare Moon’s not a vampire!”



Nyx responded by hooking her little front legs around the unicorn’s neck, hugging her tightly.



“Nyx, you are not Nightmare Moon.” Twilight assured, being both comforting and firm.



Crazy56U: “Stop using logic, you crazy filly.”

Anon13: Stop using what?

Disco: Never heard of it.



“But...”



“You do look like her, and... and you do seem to have some of her memories... but Nyx, you are not Nightmare Moon. What you are is a perfectly normal, wonderful little filly.” Twilight reassured.



DiStort: "Y'know, aside from the eyes, wings, horn, whiny attitude..."

Anon13: dark miasma, horrific destiny, blatant Mary-Sue-ness...

Private Sprinkles: Don't forget Nightmare Moon's memories.

Crazy56U: And that tick problem that you apparently have.

CTOONfan1: Not to mention she keeps making chirping noises.



“A sweet little filly who has four really great friends.



Disco: And several more enemies.



Who likes going to school



Ezn: That’s Nightmare Moon, alright. Pure eviiiil.



and was willing to get in big trouble with me just so you didn’t let your classmates down at the play.



“Nightmare Moon wouldn’t do any of that; she wouldn’t even have friends. Nightmare Moon was a bitter, vengeance driven mare who was willing to doom Equestria to eternal night just because ponies didn’t stay up at night to look at the stars.



“And that isn’t you. You aren’t the same pony. You are not Nightmare Moon, and you will never be her.”



“You promise?”



“I promise.”



Disco: “Pinkie Pie Promise?”



Nyx smiled, but it wasn’t a very strong smile...



CTOONfan1: Her cheeks need to lift more weights.



something was still troubling the filly, and Twilight took notice.



“Hey, what’s wrong?”



“Does that mean we’re not really cousins?”



DiStort: Wow. There are no words to describe the levels of stupid Nyx is radiating here.



Twilight couldn’t help but smile and try to suppress a chuckle at this.



Disco: The readers couldn’t help but facehoof and groan.



“Nyx, you silly filly, you knew from the beginning that we weren’t really cousins. It’s just a story I made up so that I wouldn’t have to tell other ponies you came out of thin air in the Everfree Forest.”



“But you said I probably did have family someplace, and that they’d eventually come looking for me. That I could live with you until my mom and dad came to get me. Is that still true?”



Ezn: “Yeah, we’ll go to meet your Uncle Spell Nexus in the morning.”



“Well....... No, Nyx... that isn’t true.” Twilight said, pulling her head away from the filly’s embrace. “I’m sorry I lied to you, but... I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Still... no, what I said isn’t true. You were created by a spell, so you don’t have parents like normal ponies. And, because you don’t have parents, you don’t have any normal blood relatives like uncles, brothers, aunts, sisters, or grandparents.”



Disco: Way to traumatize, Twi.



Twilight soon cursed herself



Ezn: But there’s no such thing as curses!

Crazy56U: STOP USING LOGIC!

Ungulateman: We started?



as she realized she had explained a little too much. The small smile Nyx had from being told she was not Nightmare Moon was now long dead, a frown on the filly’s face as she tried to keep herself from crying. The unicorn had to think fast,



Ezn: as a ball was coming right for her!



she didn’t want Nyx to have to go to sleep with the knowledge she was born from a spell in the forest AND that she had no real family. That was just too much to ask of the little filly.



“But,” Twilight added, “Just because you aren’t related to anypony by blood doesn’t mean you don’t have a family.”



“It doesn’t?”



Ezn: “No, that’s exactly what it means. I guess you don’t get your brains from either of your parents.”



“No. You have all the family you could want right there in Ponyville.” Twilight reassured. “Family is more than just the ponies you’re related to. Family can also be your friends and the ponies who care about you. After all, don’t you have four really great friends?”



“I do.”



“And not just them, there are plenty of others who care about you. I mean, just look at Owlowiscious and Spike. They’re practically your brothers.”



“But Owlowiscious is an owl and Spike is a dragon; how can they be my brothers?”



DiStort: Alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

Disco: I smell a spin-off fanfic.



“Owlowiscious keeps an eye on you when I can’t and he brings you those little flowers and other presents once in a while.



Ezn: As we’ve seen in the story so far.



He’s also helped you with your homework when I don’t have the time and, like some big brothers, he’s gotten himself in trouble



Anon13: with the cops while drunk



to make you happy by letting you go to the play.



“And Spike, well... he’s your crazy older brother.



Disco: “Unlike me, the embodiment of sanity.”

Hellioning: "Hey, Nyx, want my Smarty Pants doll? :D"

Vimbert: “So believe me when I say that you are definitely not Nightmare Moon, in spite of a mountain of evidence stating otherwise!”



He picks on you sometimes, and gives you a hard time, but he’s never really mean and you two always laugh about his pranks after they’re done.



Ezn: As we’ve seen in the story so far.



He’s also helped look after you, and both him and Owlowiscious would be among the first to jump up and help you



Disco: And die senselessly



if you were ever in trouble.



“So, even though Owlowiscious is an owl and Spike is a dragon, they both treat you like their little sister. They take care of you, and would rather seem themselves get hurt



CTOONfan1: Not really get hurt. Just seem that way.



before seeing you get put in any danger.”



“So... if Owlowiscious and Spike are like my older brothers... what does that make you?”



Anon13: Really, really dumb!



Twilight felt the air catch in her lungs at this, looking down at the little filly. What was she to Nyx? What was Nyx to her?



CTOONfan1: A plot device comes to mind.



She could easily say she was just an older sister, like Owlowiscious and Spike were brothers, but... that didn’t feel right.



Applejack was an older sister to Apple Bloom, and while Applejack had to take some responsibility raising the little filly they still had a sisterly relationship. Apple Bloom teased and tormented Applejack from time to time, and the orange farm filly did the same to her little sister once in a while.



But... that wasn’t the kind of relationship she had with Nyx.



Ezn: Well, considering AJ and AB are from the South, it could be.

Ungulateman: Applejack IS Texas!



Twilight began to think of all the things she had done for Nyx since the little filly’s arrival. She had sent her to school, read bedtime stories to her, made her meals from time to time. She helped Nyx catch up to the rest of her class, held sleepovers for her and the Cutie Mark Crusaders.



Most of all, Twilight thought of the day Nyx got lost in the Everfree Forest because of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Twilight had never been so furious.



Svensvenderson: Or the readers so joyous.



She was really on the verge of turning that spoiled little filly into a cactus, and then her father came by the library wanting an apology. Oh, Twilight could have strangled him right there. Just wrung his pompous neck.



And yes, one could argue that was anything a big sister would do. Applejack would have probably beaten the tar out of that father stallion for trying to defend what his daughter had done. But... sister just didn’t seem to fit. Twilight... Twilight felt Nyx was more to her than a sister.



Hellioning: Woah, woah, Twilight, at least wait until she can consent!



Nyx depended on her, if it weren’t for Twilight she arguably wouldn’t even still be alive.



Ezn: Nice going, Twi!



She could have easily died in that bush in the Everfree Forest.



Disco: But we couldn’t get off that easily.



No... Twilight was no older sister to Nyx... but she was something else.



Disco: A control freak?

Vimbert: An enabler?



“Well... Nyx... if I was really honest... I’d say...” Twilight had to swallow, the words getting caught on the knot in her throat. “That... I’m like... well... your mother.”



Ezn: “Nyx, I am your mother.”

Dark Pinkie: Nyx: NOOOOOOOOOO!



There was a moment of silence, Twilight watching Nyx to see the filly’s reaction. It shifted through a number of expressions in this order. First shock, then disbelief,



Disco: That’s not true! That’s impossible!

Crazy56U: Search the author's notes, you know it to be true!



and finally a big, wide smile.



CTOONfan1: She searched her feelings and knew it to be true.



“Really? You’d want to be my mom?”



DiStort: "Wow, Twilight! I had no idea you had such low standards."



“I’d love to be your mother... if you’d let me?”



Ungulateman: “Hell no, bitch.”

Vimbert: In Twilight’s world, all foals get to choose their parents.



Twilight replied, leaning her head in close so she was eye to eye with Nyx.



Ungulateman: She was then blinded by Nyx’s daggers.



Nyx’s answer was not in word but in gesture, the filly sitting up in her bed.



Vimbert: Truly, a dramatic answer that shows us that sometimes language cannot convey all.



Before Twilight knew it, she was once again being hugged by the filly, Nyx nuzzling the side of the unicorn’s head while her front legs hooked around Twilight’s neck.



Disco: Look out, Twi! She’s trying to kill you!



“Of course you can be my mom! You’re the best mom ever.”



“Oh... oh Nyx.”



Disco: “Can’t...breathe...”



Twilight whispered, eyes starting to tear up



CTOONfan1: as she realized what she just did.



even though she was smiling ear to ear. The pair sat in the moment for a time, Twilight nuzzling Nyx while the filly continued to hug her neck.



“Twilight?” Nyx asked a few minutes later, still holding tightly to the unicorns neck.



“Yes Nyx?”



Disco: “You’re turning blue.”



“Thank you... for everything.



Disco: “For lying to and traumatizing me.”



I love you.”



“I... I love you too Nyx.”



Vimbert: “When you establish a new world order, make me Head Inquisitor.”



Twilight replied, tears starting to roll down her cheek. The unicorn very gently pulled herself away, quickly rubbing the tears off her face with her fore legs before using her magic to tuck Nyx back into bed. “Now it’s time to go to sleep. It’s late and you’ve had a long day.”



CTOONfan1: I think time goes slower for Twilight or something.



“Okay.” The filly alicorn replied, yawning as she snuggled into her bed.



Ezn: Princess Cadence? How’d you get in here?



Twilight offered a gentle smile, and, thinking of her own mother, the unicorn bent forward and gave Nyx the gentlest kiss on the forehead.



Disco: The kiss of death?

Vimbert: We wish.



This seem to be the final trick, Nyx drifting off to sleep.



Stepping back from the bed on the tips of her hooves, Twilight began moving towards the door. It wasn’t what the unicorn expected, being called mom for the first time. She had always thought she’d want a filly of her own some day... it just never occurred to Twilight that Nyx could really be that filly.



Ezn: “Damnit! I have a filly and I’m still a virgin!”



And she’d have to convince Nyx to keep calling her cousin around Ponyville,



Ezn: Twilight’s cousin’s real name wasn’t something that little fillies should say.

Ungulateman: Bella Swan?



since that was how every pony else thought they were related.



Still, Twilight realized that she had really been acting like Nyx’s mom for a long time, considering how she had been taking care of the filly. Reading her to bed at night and making sure she went to school. Running out to find her when she got lost and being on the verge of turning Diamond Tiara into a cactus for the bully filly’s cruel prank.



Ezn: In case you had forgotten.

Anon13: Goldfish rule, Ezn.

Drizzel: Where am I? Who are you people!?



Yeah... she’d been acting like it, but it was a whole other bucket of hay



Svensvenderson: Hay comes in buckets?

RingmasterJ5: Of course, how else would they feed the lowly worker earth ponies?



actually being called mom. Still, Twilight would think about that in a minute. First she needed to go have a world with Owlowiscious



Disco: A Whole New World?

Crazy56U: A dazzling place I never knew?

Blahdeblah: Where everyone tells the author "no", and Nyx where to go, and says we've only been dreaming this fic.



about why the owl had let Nyx sneak out to the play. Yet, just before Twilight could reach the door, a voice whispered to her.



Ezn: “Open the door. Get on the floor. Everypony walk the dinosaur.”



“Hey, why am I just ‘the older brother’? Can’t I be her uncle or something?”



The unicorn turned, smiling gently as she saw Spike was sitting up in his bed, hands on his hips as he eyed Twilight from across the room.



Ezn: “You really need to learn to smile with other adverbs, Twi.”



“Spike, I was the the one who hatched you and raised you before you could talk and look after yourself. And technically speaking, you’re still a baby dragon. So, if anything, I’m sort of a mother to you too.”



Ezn: And suddenly this fic became A Day for Spike and Twilight.



“Pfft. Whatever, I still say I’d make a better uncle. Especially if you let me have back that awesome mustache. No uncle is complete without a mustache.”



“Sorry Spike, but no mustache.



Disco: How about a goatee?



Now you should get some sleep.”



“Yeah yeah, I heard you the first time ‘Mom’.” Spike scoffed before he laid back down and threw the blanket back over himself, snuggling into his bed. The baby dragon was back to sleep almost instantly, making Twilight giggle quietly before she crept out of the bedroom and began heading down stairs.



“Owlowiscious, can I have a word with you?”



Ezn: Only one.

Anon13: Bleeped.



“Hoo hoo.”



“Uh-oh is right, Mister.”



CTOONfan1: Twilight speaks owl now, apparently.



Twilight firmly assured, needing have a word with the owl of why he let Nyx leave despite her direct orders.



Disco: And they had fried owl for breakfast the next morning.



=====================================================================





Questions, Comments, Concerns?



Anonymous: I think you know the answer at this point.

Crazy56U: Yep, 42.



pen.stroke.pony@gmail.com



My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.

=====================================================================





Chapter 7

Careful Maneuvering



Disco: Mostly barrel rolling.

Crazy56U: Yes... if you call driving into the wall "careful maneuvering".

Vimbert:

Crazy56U: Um... I don't mean to judge but... who had the bright idea of giving Derpy a driving license?

Anon13: Who says she has one?



===================



Dear Revered Brother



Disco: Epic Failure



Nexus - High Prophet



Anonymous: Low standards.

Ezn: Nexus always got higher on the swingset than the other prophets.



of The True Queen



DiStort: Did you get that thing I sent ya?



I write in regards to the assignment you gave me several weeks past.



Ezn: TAR-DEE!



As chosen Prophet of Ponyville I received your orders that we were to search the Everfree Forest for our queen,



Ezn: I am telling you this just in case anyone else reads this letter. We wouldn’t want them to get confused.



that she may have survived the sun tyrant’s interference in our resurrection spell.



And, as I reported to you just last week, our searches of the forest have proved fruitless.



Disco: We’re unbelievably inept.

Vimbert: We trained our cultists wrong, as a joke!



Those amongst us that are unicorns have not been able to find traces of our queen’s magic anywhere in the forest. Even the traces that once remained at the ancient castle have now dissipated.



Yet, this past evening, I believe I have spotted our queen, or at least one who bears a striking resemblance to her.



Crazy56U: Oh boy, they found a cosplayer.



A filly, who is currently in the care of Twilight Sparkle. Yes, the same Twilight Sparkle to which we are all so familiar.



DiStort: In so many dirty, dirty ways.

Anon13: Not that kind of fic!



I first saw her in an elementary school play, and then once again later in the evening when she shared a meal with Twilight Sparkle



Ezn: Her doppleganger spell is most impressive.



as well as Celestia and Luna.



Anonymous: and an abacus.

Disco: As suspected, the abacus was the life of the party.

Drizzel: I’ve never seen an abacus drink so much.



Upon speaking with my own daughter, who shared a class with the filly for a number of months, I’ve come to discover the filly was admitted as a new student to Ponyville Elementary around the same time our spell was cast, near the beginning of spring.



Vimbert: Just in case you forgot that detail, readers. Do I need to summarize Chapter 1? Are you confused at all?



I have been unable to ascertain any further information, due to an altercation I had previously with Twilight Sparkle which has put us at odds.



Disco: I now have a cactus phobia.



That and my daughter, who might have proved useful in this matter, has



Vimbert: Disappointed me, as usual.



made herself just as unwelcome around the Ponyville Library.



I request your guidance in this matter in how you wish for me to proceed, and patiently await your reply.



For the Night Eternal

For Equestria’s True Queen



Anonymous: FOR FAUST!



Honored Brother Regal Cut - Prophet of Ponyville.



The scroll, which had been hoof delivered to the manor, lay across the desk in



Ezn: a seductive pose.



Spell Nexus’s study. The dark blue unicorn was standing near one of his windows, horn glowing as he held a glass of fine orange juice.



Disco: It was a Tequila Sunrise in the uncut version.



He gently swished the glass, the contents dancing under the gentle motions as his turquoise eyes focused on the moon,



Ezn: in a gentle fashion

Drizzel: … Gentle.



which was a beautiful crescent shape in the sky.



“A filly...” Nexus whispered to himself before sipping from the glass. “A filly who attends school, who lives with Twilight Sparkle, who was seen in the presence of Princess Celestia no less. Who participated in a school play, of all things. A filly...



DiStort: "Lucky bitch..."



it is not what I would have expected.



“What are your plans, what are your schemes?”



Ryo: What are your strategies? How 'bout your guides. Leads? What's the big picture? Your procedures? Suggestion? Intention? Orders? Tactics? Scenarios? System-



Alright, I'll put down the thesaurus.

Anon13: Give it to Pen if it has alternatives to ‘offered’!

Disco: Are you pondering what I’m pondering?

Crazy56U: I think so, Disco. But why would Charlie Brown agree to kidnap the mayor of Retroville?

Ezn: I have a cunning plan.

Anon13: EF, you wouldn't see a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "Cunning plans are here again!"



Nexus asked, as if posing his questions to the moon itself. “Do you act to keep your enemies close? Do you seek to find a weakness to exploit? Do you bide your time until you can overcome the Elements of Harmony and the ponies who wield them?”



Casca: Does GEICO save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance?

Drizzel: Do you believe it’s not butter?

Disco: Do you ramble on in pointless monologues?



Nexus drank from the orange juice again, draining every drop. The glow about his horn grew just a bit brighter as the unicorn took hold of a large elegant pitcher on the nearby table.



Disco: He’s going to have such a hangover tomorrow.

Crazy56U: Last time he drank this much, he wandered into the Everfree Forest wearing a lampshade and screaming the lyrics to Margatriaville. It was a fun birthday for him.



From the pitcher he refilled his cup with the fruit juice,



Svensvenderson: Fruit juice. Right.

RingmasterJ5: Well, wine is technically fruit juice.



giving it a gentle swirl before setting the pitcher back down and turning from the window.



CTOONfan1: "I'm too good for you."



“Perhaps you are merely waiting for us, your children, to discover you. To prove ourselves capable



Anon13: Don’t hold your breath.



and deserving of your grace.” Nexus mused, crossing the room. “Though... I assume much taking Regal Cut at his word. This filly may resemble Nightmare Moon, but a resemblance is not enough.



CTOONfan1: For instance, I resemble someone with brains.



No doppelganger will do.”



“In any case, this warrants further investigation.” Nexus surmised as he neared his reading table.



Ezn: “Go away,” said the table. “I’m busy reading!”



In the bookshelves on the nearby wall a book floated out from the shelves, gripped by Nexus’s levitation magic. Yet, the book the unicorn sought was tucked behind the other, a small black book which floated across the room and set itself upon the writing desk while the other book was slipped back onto the shelf.



Disco: The Complete Works of Horizontal Surface.



Nexus turned open the book, seeing in it names etched out in his own hoof-writing. The only true record of Children of Nightmare, the only record of all the ponies who had sworn strength, magic, and life to the return of Equestria’s true queen. It was his duty alone to guard such precious information, for if such a list were to be found by Celestia... all hope would be lost.



Svensvenderson: He then immediately loses it.

Ezn: Stonewall standing just behind him, beaming with pride and wiping a solitary tear from his eye.



The unicorn’s turquoise eyes read across the names and the notes accompanying them.



Ezn: “Ooooo, Night Wind has a crush on Indigo Chalice!”



He would need agents, ponies that could travel to the small town of Ponyville and verify Regal Cut’s reports. Ones he trusted, ones like Gray Gale, Night Wind, and Stonewall



Vimbert: He trusts Stonewall? No wonder he can’t rise above Harmless Ineffectual Villain.



who had proven their loyalty to Nightmare Moon.



CTOONfan1: They haven't proven their competence, though.

Anon13: They’re in if they grade on a curve.



Ponies who were not just honored brothers and sisters, but ponies among the Exalted. Those who were just below him in the order. Him, the one and only Revered brother of the Children of Nightmare.



Blahdeblah: I didn't realize Him was in on this operation. That explains the crossdressing.

DiStort: He's the only one who gets to use the executive bathroom.



Other books began to make their way off the shelves,



Ezn: two by two, preserving the world’s knowledge against the upcoming flood.



cradled by levitation magic as Nexus began checking information. Every move made by the Children of Nightmare had to be planned with such care, for his opponent in the high-stakes game of chess was none other than Celestia herself. A mare with a thousand years of rule and wisdom behind her, who had stumbled across less thoroughly thought out plans



Disco: That was a plan?



during the cult’s infancy.



He’d have to spread his agents like a fine powder, sprinkle them amongst ponies that the filly would be brought to interact with.



DiStort: Good thing he got his new grinder in the mail that day.

Anon13: Whoa, Fargo flashback...



Ones to simply watch her,



Yarrik: This is starting to sound kind of creepy.

Svensvenderson: I think we passed creepy at least two chapters ago.



others to try and examine her more closely, and others still to simply ensure all went smoothly.



Vimbert: Silk sheets were prepared.



“Sir?”



Nexus looked up from his work, Proper Etiquette having poked his nose in the study doorway.



“Yes?”



“There is another letter for you sir.” Etiquette replied,



Ezn: “It’s from a giiiiirl!”



holding up said scroll with his hoof. It was bound shut with a purple ribbon and a silver, crescent moon metal seal.



“Thank you Etiquette.” Nexus replied, taking the letter with his magic.



“Will you be needing anything else Sir?”



Ezn: “No, I’m good, and so is Spell Nexus.”



“No, not at the moment.”



“Very good Sir.”



Ezn: “Good Sir! Good Sir! Does Sir want a gentlecolt treat?”



With that the butler pony removed himself from the room.



Ezn: It was a slow and painful process.



Nexus carefully set down the many books he had been levitating, leaving them propped open on the floor so he could return to his place once the letter was written. A purple ribbon with silver seal: it was a sign of a letter from a brother and sister, and the full moon on the seal indicated it was of the up most importance.



Dear Revered Brother



Disco: Epic Failure



Nexus - High Prophet of The True Queen



Private Sprinkles: Are you interested in a horn enlargement program?

Crazy56U: "Hello, I am an Appleloosian prince who wants to give you his fortune..."



This is a written report



Ezn: I was too busy laughing to make an audio one.



on the comings and goings of the unicorns assigned by Celestia to study and understand the nature of the resurrection spell we attempted to cast in the forest.



I realize this report comes fairly quickly after my last, and that you did not expect another from me for another several days. There has been, however, a few developments I believe you would want to know about without delay.



Disco: There’s a sale on hoof polish this weekend!

Vimbert: ‘Cuz she’s an emo pony, nonconforming as can be. You’d be nonconforming too if you looked just like she...



Firstly, with the research team moved to the royal archives, their endeavours in understanding our spell are starting to make steady headway. They are beginning to decipher the arcane lines we used



Ezn: I fear Stonewall’s messy mouth-writing was not enough of an obstacle to their discovery of our dramatic performance of your fanfiction, sir.



to augment and focus the magic in the Everfree Forest clearing.



Vimbert: For some reason, they seem to think we have no idea what we’re doing.



While I will act, as I have, to try and stall their efforts,



Vimbert: Fun fact: the deleted scene of Night Wind comically tripping researchers and spilling ink on important documents is available in the Special Edition!



I can, at this point, only slow their progress. They will, in time, decipher the spell.



DiStort: In retrospect, it was a really bad idea to hide the details in a crossword puzzle.



Secondly, Celestia came to the to the research team this morning to check on the progress. They reported to her exactly as I have reported to you, that their progress has now become steady and dependable now that they have been granted access to



Ezn: Rainbow Dash’s pet tortoise.



some of the oldest books in Equestria.



Bastion Yorsets



Disco: Who is that again? I can’t remember without the wiki links.

DiStort: No link?! But what if I forgot what he looked like?

Crazy56U: Meh, the link was broken anyway.



and Celestia then began to chat casually, the princess talking about the Spring Festival she attended yesterday evening with her sister in Ponyville. She spoke highly of many of the performances, offering particular praise for a play put on by the town’s elementary school.



Ezn: I told you we should have gone, but you just had to watch Swan Lake again.



She then, at this point,



Ezn: on the complex plane



divulged to Bastion Yorsets that her



Ezn: sled’s name was Rosebud



student, Twilight Sparkle, was now taking care of a young filly by the name of Nyx. The only description she offered was that the filly was a black coated unicorn, and that the filly was a half-cousin



Vimbert: Gain a hyphen, lose a period. We just can’t win, folks.



I would have dismissed this as idle chatter if Bastion Yorsets hadn’t made a very interesting comment.



Ezn: I Digged and Stumbled Upon it!



He divulged that he had grown up knowing Twilight’s father,



Disco: Before he was tragically turned into a cactus,



and had been the one to invite Twilight to take the entrance exam for Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.



In his comments, Bastion admitted it was strange that Twilight had called Nyx a half cousin. He revealed that while Twilight’s father has siblings, her mother is an only child. He further pointed out that Twilight’s father and his siblings all share the same two parents, making it impossible for the unicorn to have any half cousins.



Celestia simply offered that Twilight must have misspoken when introducing Nyx



Ezn: The Princess is a little too sophisticated to be offering such trinkets as gentle smiles and hoots, after all.



or that she had a misunderstanding of what a half cousin was.



DiStort: She probably thought a half-cousin was a combination of cousin and half-wit.



Bastion accepted this answer, and soon their meeting was over.



Again, I would have believed this as nothing but idle chatter if not later that day in the barracks I overheard Celestia’s private guards talking. The two pegasi were discussing the princess’ day, and after ease dropping for a time I discovered that the princess made an unscheduled stop on her daily routine. She went to the Equestria Central Records Office during what was supposed to be her lunch hour for the day, and requested that family records pertaining to Twilight Sparkle and her parents be delivered to her royal chambers this evening.



Disco: Celestia’s obsession just reached a new low.

Ezn: She made the same request the next night, just without the “family records pertaining to” bit.



I was unable to discover more, since my shift had ended and I



Ezn: got all depressed about not being a pretty filly anymore



dare not risk lingering around the castle after work.



DiStort: It's when Celestia starts getting her weird urges. I pity the nighttime help.



That is all I have to report at this time. I will continue my observation of the research team and will alert you if I discover anything pressing.



I will submit my next regular report



Ezn: when and if I learn something new about friendship



at the scheduled time.



For the Night Eternal

For Equestria’s True Queen

Exalted Sister Night Wind



Nexus licked his lips, his mouth having gone dry.



Disco: He’s had a lot to drink.



The situation had become much more perilous.



Ezn: Penelope Pitstop was tied to the traintracks!



Celestia’s gaze was now turned upon the same black coated filly, her interest spurred by the blabber mouth Bastion Yorsets. He would have to have been a childhood friend of Twilight’s father.



Hellioning: Of course he had to. Don't you know anything about plot?

Vimbert: This has that?



Taking up the orange juice glass, Nexus swigged it in a few swift gulps before shaking his head, the perfectly chilled juice giving the unicorn a momentary brain freeze.



DiStort: Must be a pretty big lightweight to get brain freeze from orange juice.

Disco: He must have been smashed when he planned the resurrection.



There was now a need for both subtly and some haste, to ascertain who the filly truly was before Celestia could act in a way to make such investigation impossible.



The books that had been left on the floor moved back into the air, carried by Nexus’ magic as he drew out a feather pen and several pieces of parchment.



Vimbert: He enjoyed creating modern art in his free time.



Feverishly he began to work, his eyes moving between the little black record book of the Children of Nightmare and to the many other tombs that now encircled the unicorn.



Ezn: “Life... is pain.”



He would get no sleep that night, as in more ways than one Nexus was racing the sun and its master.



Disco: He’d wake up the next day, with bloodshot eyes and a drool-drenched cheek.



========



Twilight yawned,



CTOONfan1: This story's even boring the characters.



making no effort to control or stifle it as she walked down the path to Ponyville Elementary. The sun was still rising from the horizon, the sunrise’s tapestry of colors just starting to fade to the constant blue of midday. Normally, it would have taken an important research trip to make Twilight get out of bed this early. That was, however, before Nyx came into her life.



DiStort: She had to make sure to sterilize everything Nyx had touched from the day before.

Disco: That’s it! The ticks die today!



So, it was not an expedition to some a far off archaeological sight



Disco: As opposed to a near-sighted one.



or a rare celestial event that drew Twilight from her warm bed covers. Though, to a certain little black filly, it was nearly as important.



A few days after the Spring Festival, Cheerilee announced that she wanted to try something new for the school. A Saturday where students would set up educational exhibits and the school would host food and games. Something Cheerilee was playful calling the “Learn and Play Day”. It was an event that had quickly grown, Ponyville’s schools for older colts and fillies getting in on the event as well.



And, due to the fact that the event had grown so quickly, Cheerilee had called on Twilight, Ponyville’s number one



Ezn: Pest Control Service operator



organizer, to help get everything in order. The purple unicorn had been working alongside the teacher for the past two weeks to organize the event while the students had been researching and building their educational exhibits.



DiStort: "So how many potato batteries do you think we'll end up with?"

Anonymous: 39, a tree, and a ruined enrichment center.



It had turned into quite a bit of work, but... Twilight had



Ezn: been glad that she’d got Sparkler to fill in for her



accepted it. Nyx had been so excited about the event the moment she heard about it that Twilight wanted to be sure it went off well.



Approaching the schoolhouse, Twilight walked around the brightly painted building and to the open field behind it. There, Cheerilee was working with a few other volunteers to get everything set up.



“Good Morning everypony.” Twilight offered, trying to put on a smile only to



Ezn: curse the Korean sweatshop workers as it fell apart



yawn another time.



“Not much for mornings, Twilight?” Cheerilee asked as she walked over to meet the unicorn.



“Not usually, no.”



Disco: “What’s the sun doing in that part of the sky?”

Kurisu Fuyuumi: Trollestia strikes again?



“Well, thank you for offering



Ezn: “No worries, I do it ALL THE TIME.”



to come out and give everything one final check over before the big day. Everypony seems so excited! This little weekend may turn into a new Ponyville tradition if it goes off right.”



Ezn: “If it goes off wrong... well, there’s always Hoofington.”



“Well, let’s get through today first before we start planning for next year.” Twilight said, her saddle bags opening at the beckon call of the unicorn’s magic,



Ezn: Fact: unicorn magic has a very persuasive voice.



a checklist and pencil floating into the air and in front of Twilight.



“Now, let’s see. Are the exhibit tables set up?”



Cheerilee nodded, pointing a hoof to the area direction behind the school.



Ezn: breaking several laws of physics and geometry as she did so.



Several circular tables had been borrowed and rented from a number of ponies around Ponyville and covered in white tablecloths to form a veritable sea of tables.



Ezn: Little chair boats sailed across them, buffeted by the strong table-ocean wind.



Each table had two little signs on it with numbers.



“Thirty round tables with tablecloths with sixty numbered exhibit signs on yellow paper.”



Disco: Somewhere, Applejack gripped her head in agony.

Vimbert: Twilight was impressed an inferior earth pony could count that high.



“Perfect.” Twilight replied, making a check on her list, starting to look around the area the pair were standing in. “What about food?



Ezn: “We’re gonna eat that close bracket I swiped off the end of my dialogue!”

Private Sprinkles: We have a wondrous selection of the flesh of your enemies.

Crazy56U: You're penning a Cupcakes sequel while you riff, aren't you?



“We’re just about to finish setting up the tables for our little food court. Big Macintosh has brought in a food cart from Sweet Apple Acres. That just leaves Danver and the Cakes



simonAJ: "Danver and the Cakes" is my Beatles cover band.



who need to arrive and set up their food stalls.”



“Danver?”



“His family owns and runs the carrot farm next to Sweet Apple Acres.”



Ezn: Elsewhere, Carrot Top sighed deeply.



“Oh.” Twilight said, lifting a hoof to giggle. “Let me guess: Danver is a type of carrot.”



“You’d be guessing right.” Cheerile replied with a chuckle of her own.



Disco: Danver is easier to type than Chantenay or Imperator.

Vimbert: OH GOD SOMETHING SOMEONE MIGHT NOT HAVE HEARD OF LINK NOW



“Still, I’d say the food and eating area are all taken care of.” Twilight said, checking off the next item on the list. “That just leaves the afternoon activities. Still, I doubt we’ll be able to check that one off just yet.”



“Why do you say that?”



CTOONfan1: "We need some sort of problem to keep the story going."



“Well, we put Rainbow Dash in charge of that. She’s reliable, but she kind of likes to procrastinate a little. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was still back at home snoozing away the morning.”



“Boo!”



Twilight quickly turned her head to the side, a little startled by the sudden third voice in the conversation. It was only then that she took notice of the sky blue pegasus that was hovering in the air near her head. Cheerilee had to cover her mouth to keep herself from laughing as Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight with a smug grin.



“Back at home snoozing, huh?”



“Heh heh...” Twilight said, forcing a smile. “Rainbow Dash, I... didn’t expect you to be here this early.”



The pegasus just chuckled, landing next to Twilight and folding her wings.



“Relax Twi; on any normal day I would still be asleep.



Disco: “But Scootaloo wouldn’t shut up.”



But this is just going to be too awesome!



Anon13: Damn that pony has low standards.

Anonymous: At this point I think they all do.

Svensvenderson: We're still reading this. What does that say about us?

Vimbert: Nothing good.



I just had to get up early, not only to clear the skies but to make sure all my awesome sporting events were ready.”



“What all do you have planned?” Cheerilee asked.



“Oh, tons of stuff. I actually went and checked out a book with a whole bunch of killer ideas.”



Disco: They were all tagged [Grimdark].

Anonymous: Except one that had "as FUCK" following.



“It was one of the few times she came into the library without crashing.” Twilight offered, though Rainbow Dash ignored the unicorn



Ezn: “I’m not wasting any more money on your junk, Twilight!”



and kept going.



“We’ve got something for everypony. Got things for just the kids to do, things for kids to do with their parents, and things for the parents to do so the kids can cheer them on. We’ve got games for pegasi, for earth ponies, for unicorns and games where you get to mix it up.



Svensvenderson: Uni ponies? Earthsi? Pegacorns?

Ezn: “Well, at least that’s how our games guy, uh, ‘Discord’ put it... He was cheap.”



It is all just going to be so awesome!”



“Wow, that sounds like a lot.”



Disco: Of nonsense.



“Like a lot of fun, you mean.” Rainbow Dash said, lifting a hoof to a chest and gently brushing it against her. “Yea, I pretty much outdid myself.”



“And, since we got so many ponies to volunteer their time and things for free.”



DiStort: Equestria's economy baffles me to no end.



Cheerilee said with a chirp,



Hellioning: First Nyx, and now Cheerilee? Crap, it's contagious!

Vimbert: Bird flu has reached Equestria.



reaching under a nearby table and pulling out a box. “I actually was able to spend the last of the budget on some prizes for your events.”



“Prizes? Oh boy, nothing is better than having prizes.” Dash said, the pegasus already digging through the prize box as she took stock of what all Cheerilee had bought.



Ezn: Derpy, get out of that box!



“Cool, you got yo-yo’s in here.” Dash eventually offered, pulling her head out of the box with one of the said yo-yo’s. In a flash the pegasus had the yo-yo string around her hoof, giving it a flick and sending the little plastic disk down and up the string in a smooth motion before pulling off a simple sleeper trick, where the yo-yo stayed at the bottom of the string but continued spinning.



simonAJ: Did you seriously just spend 3/4 of a paragraph describing a yo-yo trick? I can't even make a joke about that. I'm flabbergasted.

Hellioning: Considering most yo-yo tricks are all about finger control, how does that work with hooves?



“Heh, I used to be pretty good at this.” Dash admitted,



Ezn: “But then I took an arrow to the yo-yo.”



a flick of her hoof bringing the yo-yo out of the sleeper trick. A few more flicks to build up speed and then Dash quickly wrapped some of the string around her hooves, resulting in the yo-yo swinging back and forth inside a triangle of string.



“This here is called ‘The Pendulum’.”



Disco: It’s like I’m in the third grade all over again!



“That’s great Dash, but shouldn’t you leave the prizes for the ponies who actually win them?”



“Sure, just one more trick. You heard of ‘Around the World’?



Hellioning: Yeah, I love Daft Punk.

Vimbert: Daft Pony?

Crazy56U: Honey, let it go. If we spend the entire riff pony-fying terms, we're going to be here for a while.



Well, this is my super, double loop, around the sun trick.” With that Dash gave the yo-yo a firm flick, the pegasus jumping into to mid air as she used her wings to spin herself. Still, a few seconds after starting the trick, Dash flopped to the ground, Cheerilee and Twilight laughing out loud as Dash had managed to hog-tie



CTOONfan1: There's that phrase again.

Ezn: a hog to



her legs and wings with yo-yo string.



Disco: And Phoe’s squees echoed through the halls of Equestria Daily.

Vimbert: And then everything sexual happened.



“Oh, wow Dash, that really was something.” Twilight prodded.



Vimbert: “Prodded”... see?



“Yeah yeah... laugh it up. Now, are you going to stand there giggling or are you going to lend me a hoof?”



Ezn: “You need five hooves to do this next trick.”



=============



The Learn and Play Day was in full swing the moment it opened to the public at 9:00 that morning. The students had already arrived and set up their exhibits, each having done a project on something that interested them.



Svensvenderson: And only 17 baking soda and vinegar volcanoes.



There were exhibits about farming techniques, about history, about how weather was made, and dozens of other little topics where the students tried to show off their work.



Disco: Yet none of them showed how the first Winter Wrap-Up was done.

DiStort: That's classified info, Disco.



That was the “Learn” part of the “Learn and Play Day”, where the students not only learned more about subjects they wanted to know more about



Hellioning: If pony children are anything about human children, that is a category consisting only of video games and candy.



but some parents and other ponies in the community had a chance to learn something new as well.



Anon13: Primarily the depths of boredom a pony can endure.



“Isn’t this so super duper fun Fluttershy?!” Pinkie Pie chirped,



Vimbert: And another victim is claimed.



bouncing along between the student exhibits while Fluttershy walked calmly beside her. “I mean, I knew Cotton Candy was good



Vimbert: Of course. She’s a nice pony.



and I knew how to make it but I never knew how little pieces of sugar turned into stringy, wingy goodness.”



Disco: She’s taking notes for the next Cupcakes sequel.



“Yes, that was a really interesting display.”



Private Sprinkles: What I really liked about it was when it ended.



“Which one’s been your favorite so far?”



“Well... um...I liked the one about how caterpillars become butterflies. I already knew about it,



CTOONfan1: before it was mainstream.

Anon13: Hipstershy!



but the student did such a wonderful job explaining it.”



“All the kids did a really good job. Oh, I wish I could have an exhibit. I’d do one about parties.”



“Parties?”



“Well duh; parties aren’t as easy as everypony thinks. There are lots of rules you have to follow, the Pinkie Pie Party rules.”



DiStort: "Parties aren't about WHY! They're about WHY NOT?!"

Anonymous: WHY are Pinkie's parties so dangerous?

CTOONfan1: Why not MARRY safe parties if you love them so much?



The pink pony offered matter of factly.



“Really?” Fluttershy offered



Blahdeblah: Please, for the love of Faust, use a thesaurus! They don't bite, I promise!



in disbelief.



Ezn: A bold sales technique.



“I would never imagine you actually had rules for your parties.”



Crazy56U: Fluttershy... please realize who you're talking about. This is expected of her!

Yarrik: First rule of Pinkie Pie Parties: Do not talk about Pinkie Pie Parties.

Anonymous: Rule 2: DO NOT TALK ABOUT PINKIE'S PARTIES!

Hellioning: Rule 3: Bring a friend!



“Of course! How do you think they turn out so good? I have rules you can never ever ever ever never ever break, and as long as you don’t break them then the party is a guaranteed success. Like, Rule #1: -



Disco: Don’t talk about Pinkie’s parties.



Every party must has



Ezn: cheezburger and pictures of cat slathered with Impact font

Blahdeblah: I can has grammar check?



decorations... or Rule #157: If the ratio of fillies and colts to mares and stallions is at least two to one, there must be a pinata.”



Fluttershy couldn’t help but tilt her head to one side, confusion across her face.



Ezn: “Everything’s sideways!”



“Rule #157? How many rules are there?”



“376.”



“Oh... oh my... that’s...



Disco: Ridiculously arbitrary.



that’s a lot of rules.”



“Hey, throwing parties is my special talent



Ezn: Just in case you forgot.



and it is serious business to make them seriously super, duper fun. OH! Hey, there’s Nyx’s booth! We should go see what she did.”



Hellioning: "I mean, she's the only reason we exist, anyway! ALL HAIL NYX!"



With that Pinkie Pie bounded ahead, forcing Fluttershy to break into



Ezn: song, bringing Past Sins several places higher in my fic hierarchy.



a quick trot just to catch up. A group of stallions and mares



Ezn: who were horses and not ponies



were just stepping away from Nyx’s booth



CTOONfan1: They wanted to get as far away as possible.



when the pink earth pony and yellow pegasus came up,



Ezn: Berry Punch? Raindrops? What?



the black filly offering them a big smile.



Ezn: “She’s trying to sell us something! Run!”



“Hey Fluttershy. Hey Pinkie Pie.”



Disco: Oh hai guys.

Crazy56U: Oh hai Mark.

Yarrik: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!



“Hey there Nyx.” Pinkie Pie chirped.



Hellioning: The chirps are spreading! It's an epidemic! We need to quarantine them!

Crazy56U: So, in other words... it's a birdemic. Quick, get the coat hangers!

Ezn: My little birdie, my little birdie...

I used to wonder what birdsong could be!

Until you shared your contagious birdflu with me!



“What super duper thing did you do for your exhibit? Give us the whole rundown.”



“If you don’t mind, that is.” Fluttershy offered, trying to curb Pinkie Pie’s enthusiasm.



Ezn: “Stop it! We don’t want Nyx to think we actually like her!”



“Of course not, it’s-” Nyx replied, before coughing into her hoof to clear her throat. “I chose to make my Exhibit about



Ezn: Those annoying People who capitalise random Nouns.



Transfiguration Magic.”



“Tranafigurwhatiewhat?”



Ezn: Pinkie Pie needs those wiki links too.



Nyx giggled.



Private Sprinkles: And an angel died that day.

Vimbert: Every time Nyx smiles, a puppy dies.

Crazy56U: And when she laughs, a pony has a heart attack.



“Transfiguration, Pinkie Pie. It’s the magic that focuses on turning one thing into another.”



CTOONfan1: Really? Can it turn this story into something more entertaining?



At that the filly pointed to a number of pictures she had set up on the backdrop of her exhibit.



Ezn: “Nyx, have you been looking under Twilight’s bed again? Those pictures aren’t nice, you know.”



“As you can see, Transfiguration Magic can be used to transform practically anything into anything else. A stick into a fancy walking cane. A stone into a hat. An apple into a horse drawn carriage.



Private Sprinkles: A good premise into a horrible execution.

Ezn: You forgot “mice into abomination horse-demons”.

RingmasterJ5: Mykan knows transfiguration magic?



“Transfiguration Magic is only truly limited by the skill and the ability of the pony casting it. Skilled unicorns, such as the local fashion designer Rarity, can use Transfiguration to turn fabric into a dress.



Svensvenderson: That's called 'sewing', Nyx.

Crazy56U: Please, she's too busy being a Mary Sue to know what sewing is... because that's how that works.



Or another unicorn, Twilight Sparkle, being able to transfigure four common mice into four full sized horses.”



Ezn: How could I ever have doubted you, Pen Stroke?

Disco: Nyx’s exhibit was surrounded by cacti.

Ezn: It’s so nice that she was such a good relationship with her adoptive grandfather.



“I remember that.” Pinkie Pie said with a giggle. “They didn’t exactly look like horses.”



“Yes, and that leads me to the next part of my exhibit. The limits of Transfiguration Magic. Transfiguration magic is, above all, temporary.



Ezn: “Much like all life. I’d like to digress into philosophy for just a moment...”



Everything transfigured will eventually turn back to normal.



Anon13: Wouldn’t that mean Rarity’s dresses eventually pop back into random bits of cloth? … And wouldn’t that be really fun to watch?



This is why most anything that needs to be permanent is still hoof made, like houses and clothing,



Vimbert: “even though I just said that Rarity uses it to make dresses. Guess my filthy earth pony side is showing at last.”



since Transfiguration magic only lasts for so long. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a need for construction works, carpenters, or any other ponies that make things.



“And, as a final part of my exhibit, I would like to provide a live demonstration of Transfiguration Magic.”



At that Nyx pointed to the rock setting on the table in the center of her exhibit.



Ezn: “This rock setting is designed to invoke primitive emotions in us ponies. Emotions of anger, and of love.”



The black filly then shut her eyes, focusing as her horn began to glow. The rock glowed until, eventually, it popped and turned into a small, potted flower.



Disco: Which began to scream in terror.

Yarrik: "For my next trick, I turn it into a whale!"

Hellioning: "Oh bother. Not again."



“Oooooooooooooo...” Pinkie Pie said, leaning in and sniffing the floor.



Isphone: Silly Pinkie. We're talking about the flower.



“It even smells real.”



“So, any questions?”



Hellioning: Several. First off, how does it feel, being a Mary Sue?

Disco: “Can I eat it?”

Vimbert: I'll take a flower chip... AND EAT IT!



“No, none at all.



Ezn: “I don’t question things. I just do what the Man tells me to.”



That was very well done, Nyx. You should be-”



Ezn: “-boiled in oil.”



Fluttershy began to say, only for Pinkie Pie to put her head between the pegasus and filly.



Ezn: “THREE-WAY!”



“OH, I got a question! Have you tried changing anything bigger than a rock? Oh, do you take requests?”



“Well... no, but I guess I could try. Uh... what did you have in mind?”



Ezn: “I’ve got thoughts in my mind, silly!”



“Turn that grass into cotton candy. No, turn that into a candy apple. Wait, you should turn that stallion’s bowtie into a squirty flower. OH, no no no no. I know what you should try to do!” Pinkie Pie smiled,



Ezn: “No, Pinkie. We’re going to do the same thing we do every night...”

Svensvenderson: Turn Scootaloo into a chicken?

Hellioning: That wouldn't accomplish anything, it'd be like turning Nyx into a badly written character.

Crazy56U: Or making Pinkie Pie insane.



pointing a hoof at Fluttershy. “Turn her into a tree.”



Disco: **** just got real.

Vimbert: Pardon me while I go break things for several hours.



“Turn who into a what now?” Nyx asked, tilting her head to one side in confusion.



“Turn Fluttershy into a tree.”



“Why?”



Ezn: The million-dollar question.

Vimbert: Because pointless fandom reference!



“Because this one time on a train I got talking with Rainbow Dash and Twilight and for some strange reason Dash thought Rainbow Dash was a tree, even though she obviously isn’t. But then Fluttershy said she’d like to be a tree, so can you turn her into a tree? It would be super duper fun.”



Ezn: “This is a fond memory that my friends and I have cherished. We reminisce about it all the time.”



“Well... I don’t know....”



“Oh come on, just give it a try. You never know until you try.” Pinkie Pie chirped.



“Are you okay with this Fluttershy?”



Ezn: Nah, I prefer that other Fluttershy. The one that comes with the gala dress.



“Well, it won’t hurt will it?” The pegasus asked quietly.



Ezn: Rainbow Day, it’s really rude to butt into other ponies’ conversations like this!



“It shouldn’t.”



Disco: “You’ll die too quickly.”



“And it won’t be permanent?”



Ezn: “Weren’t you listening to my speech? Nothing is permanent! We are all dust in the wind!”



“No, Transfiguration Magic is by definition temporary.” Nyx assured. “That and the first spell Twilight made me learn when I started this project was how to break a Transfiguration spell... in case I made a mistake.”



CTOONfan1: You? Make mistakes? Yeah right.

Svensvenderson: Silly Mary-Sue, you can do no wrong!



“Well... I am kind of curious what it would be like...”



“See? It will be so much fun!” Pinkie Pie half shouted,



Vimbert: Half-moaned



bouncing a little in excitement. Nyx could only swallow hard,



Ezn: Twilight had taught her well.



having been literally put on the spot



Anon13: Unless Pinkie picked Nyx up and put her on a circle on the ground YOU’VE GOT IT WRONG.



by the pink earth pony as some others in the crowd had gathered. Taking a deep breath, Nyx



Ezn: Not in public, Nyx!



shut her eyes as her horn began to glow. First a single level of glow,



Ezn: Vegeta, what does the scouter say about Nyx’s glow level?



then another took shape



Ezn: Fact: levels of glow can take shape.



as the filly focused on her magic.



============



“Man, some of these booths are really cool.” Rainbow Dash offered,



Ezn: I’ve run out of these jokes, but ponies just keep offering!



she and Twilight trotting amongst them. “I mean, did you see what Scootaloo did?



Ezn: “No, I don’t usually pay attention to that failure of a pony.”



She actually explained how my Sonic Rainboom works. I didn’t even really knew how it worked,



CTOONfan1: I didn't knew how it work, so her explanation really helping.



besides the fact I was breaking the sound barrier.”



Disco: Someone has been watching pony physics videos.



“Yes, all the students have really done-”Twilight



Ezn: The space has been left out here to visually display the abruptness of what interrupted Twilight. A bold typographical choice.



began, only to be silenced as the ground began to shake and a loud noise cut through the air.



ssssrrrr-RRRRUUUUGGGGHHHH-RRRUUUGGGHHH-frrggggh.....trrrssss-ssssttthhh-stttshh...



Private Sprinkles: Did someone break the T.V again?

Crazy56U: Either that, or Giygas was summoned.

Anon13: Or else some filly's doing an exhibit on passing kidney stones.

Yarrik: Don't be silly, that's the call of Cthulhu. Don't you feel your sanity oozing out your ears?

Hellioning: Remember children: Never summon Great Old Ones at home! Go to a friend's house instead!

Disco: I’a Cthulhu!

Crazy56U: HE COMES.

Anon13: For the love of god, do NOT make this a clopfic!



“What was that?” Twilight asked, regaining her footing from what had felt like a minor earthquake.



Ezn: It was something that felt like a minor earthquake.



When she got no answer,



Ezn: Oh, so NOW you ponies aren’t offering stuff anymore?



Twilight turned to look at Dash, who was staring narrowed eyed in the opposite direction. Following the pegasus' gaze Twilight nearly choked on the air in her own lungs at what she saw.



Ezn: Nyx had accidentally summoned Discord and single-hoofedly defeated him, and was now glowing with deadly Sue-radiation.



A large, leafy tree had appeared in the center of the exhibits, as tall as the school house with a trunk as thick as a pony was long. It was a weeping willow tree, its long hanging branches and leaves draping over the nearby exhibits. The tree, however, was very unusual as its bark was a bright yellow and all of its leaves were a light, frilly pink.



Ezn: I WONDER WHAT THIS COULD BE.



“Oh my Gosh! You DID IT!”



simonAJ: "You wrote something even more balls-to-the-wall retarded than Spiderses!"



Pinkie Pie’s voice burst out above the crowd,



Ezn: killing thousands.



drawing Rainbow Dash and Twilight out of their stupor. The two quickly raced through the network of tables and to the base of the tree. Pinkie Pie had climbed up into the branches, climbing around with speed and agility that would make a monkey proud.



Ezn: A little off to the side, Lyra wiped a single tear from her eye and beamed with pride.



“Pinkie Pie, where the hay did this tree come from?” Dash asked, the pegasus taking flight as she caught up to Pinkie Pie in the tree’s crown.



Jamie Norman: Fluttershy - Queen of the Trees!



“It was super duper amazing! Nyx did it with her magic!”



“Nyx did?”



DiStort: Way to raise a witch, Twilight.

Crazy56U: I don't think we should be concerned until the flying monkeys appear.



Twilight said, the unicorn looking up and down the tree in



Ezn: lust she couldn’t understand.



disbelief before her eyes narrowed. “Wait, where is Nyx?”



Ezn: “She didn’t survive the casting.”



“Over here.” The filly replied, climbing out from beneath her exhibit table. “Twilight, I’m sorry... I didn’t mean... well, I meant to



Ezn: “AND HAVE NO REGRETS! Fluttershy will be a tree... forever!”



but Pinkie Pie asked and Fluttershy said it was okay but I didn’t think I would be able to do it.”



“Do what?” Twilight asked.



Ezn: Nyx: “Have a believable character arc.”

Twilight: “You were right.”



“She turned Fluttershy into a tree!” Pinkie Pie cheered as she hung from one of the branches.



“Wait... wait wait wait.” Dash said, pointing a hoof at the yellow and pink weeping willow. “This, this tree right here. This tree is Fluttershy.”



Disco: Nobody move! She might start balding!



“Well duh. Of course it is! I just told you that Nyx turned Fluttershy into a tree. Seriously Dash, I’d think you’d be happy. After all, you were the one that thought Fluttershy was a tree when we were on our way to Appleloosa.”



Ezn: “We have a page about it in our photo album and everything!”



“I did not! I was being sarcastic.”



“Sarcastawhat?”



Ezn: I do not understand your pony sarcasm. Provide me with wiki links.

Crazy56U: But they'll be broken...



As Dash tried again to explain to Pinkie Pie why she had once called Fluttershy a tree,



Ezn: and this story rode on the laurels of S01E21 “Over A Barrel”



Twilight began to glance nervously around the steadily growing crowd of ponies.



Ezn: ZOMBIES...



They were all murmuring and whispering about Nyx, considering a filly had just done something that even she wouldn’t have been able to do without a lot of practice.



DiStort: Nearby, a torch and pitchfork salespony suddenly gets the feeling he's going to have a really good day.



“Nyx, Sweetie.” Twilight whispered, leaning into the little black filly.



Ezn: “I want you to try this transfiguration stuff again... tonight.”



“Can you turn Fluttershy back... now?!”



Disco: “This meme is so last season!”



The last words communicated the urgency of the request,



Ezn: This story is suitable for viewing by the italics-impaired.



Nyx nodding her head and shutting her eyes.



Ezn: putting her left hoof out and spinning all about

Isphone: Lets do the time warp again!



The filly’s horn glowed again, reaching the same brilliance it had when first casting the Transfiguration spell. Twilight watched and observed



Ezn: That’s why she has TWO eyes, y’see.



the glow around Nyx’s horn and how far it radiated out, a sign of how hard a unicorn was straining their natural magical ability.



The glow got about twice as bright and large as when Nyx was usually using her horn before the tree imploded in



Ezn: As opposed to imploding out.



on itself, its roots being pulled out of the ground. Dash grabbed Pinkie Pie before she could drop out of the air, the blue pegasus setting the earth pony down just as a resounding pop filled the air.



Ezn: Meanwhile, Pinkie slipped out of Dash’s hooves and fell to the ground, breaking her neck in the process.



With that pop Fluttershy reappeared, the pegasus dropping to the ground with a small thud.



Ezn: why won’t you die



“Fluttershy, are you okay?” Twilight asked, quickly rushing up to help her friend back to her hooves.



Ezn: “Yeah, I’m only a little traumatised.”



“Ye... yes, I’m...I’m fine.”



“Oh, what was it like? What was it like?” Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing in excitement.



“It was......”



Disco: Terrifying?

Vimbert: Painful?

Isphone: A level of disturbing that cannot be properly conveyed through spoken word?

Yarrik: STUPID?!

Anon13: That’s it.



Fluttershy began, pausing a moment to collect her thoughts.



Ezn: “It was like being a tree.”



Not only did Pinkie Pie and Dash lean in to hear the answer, but any ponies nearby who had witnessed the feat of magic leaned in as well, eager to hear the a first hand



Ezn: And suddenly Past Sins was a Human in Equestria fic.



account of what it was like to be a tree.



“Nice.” Fluttershy finally concluded.



DiStort: In other words, it was the most horrifyingly painful thing she had ever experienced.

Vimbert: Check another one off the list of pointless fandom references!



Dash’s disappointment in the answer was reflected on the faces of most ponies who had watched.



Ezn: The dragoneye magic had worn off by now, so she was unable to grab the disappointment off their faces and offer it back to them at exorbitant prices.



Hearing that being turned into a tree was “nice” wasn’t exactly the kind of answer they had been hoping for.



Vimbert: When not even the author is pleased with his own meta-joke, things are not good.



Pinkie Pie was, as usual, un-phased.



Vimbert: She had managed to keep herself in this plane of existence. She was fazed, however.



“Oh, now I want to be turned into something! A rose bush... no, a balloon! NO! Turn me into a cake, turn me into a-”



Anonymous: I wanna be a pie!

Yarrik: A Pinkie Pie! Genius!

Vimbert: And then you should turn Rainbow Dash into a cupcake!

Crazy56U: Hmm... "Cupcakes", but replacing Pinkie with Nightmare Moon... nah, it wouldn't be the same.



“Wow, would you look at that! It’s almost lunch time.”



Ezn: “Nyx, turn Scootaloo into lunch.”



Twilight interrupted, putting a hoof against Pinkie Pie’s mouth while she put on a forced smile. “Personally, I’m starved. Aren’t you starved Nyx? Of course you are,



Ezn: “I never feed you!”



you just turned a pony into a tree. That kind of thing must really work up an appetite.



CTOONfan1: "I should know. I've turned several ponies into cacti."



Why don’t we go get something to eat?”



Anon13: And just for fun, why don’t we go someplace quiet and just start screaming and never stop? ‘Cuz that’s what I’m gonna do!



Not even waiting an answer from the black filly,



Ezn: This is the plight of the black filly in our society.



Twilight grabbed up Nyx with a levitation spell and galloped out of the crowd of ponies.



“Aw... but I wanted to be a cake...”



Disco: Someone has been reading too many Nightly Roundups.



Pinkie Pie, her voice ringing with a twinge of disappointment.



The pink pony then quickly perked up, eyes darting around as she scratched at her neck.



“What’s wrong Pinkie Pie?”



Ezn: “My eyes just darted away from me!”



“Itchy Neck, Itchy Neck.” The pony replied.



Ezn: Go away, Hayseed Turniptruck!



“Itchy neck... wait, like Twitchy Tail?” Dash asked.



“No, Silly. Twitchy Tail is when something is about to fall.”



“Then what does Itchy Neck mean?” Fluttershy asked.



Jamie Norman: Horseflies.

Ezn: “It means I’m in fanfiction with Nyx!”



“Somepony is watching us.” Pinkie Pie replied, eyes moving around the now dispersing crowd of ponies.



Disco: She’s on to us! Hide!



“Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy just got turned into a tree. Everypony was watching us.” Dash pointed out.



“No, no no no no. That was an innocent ‘wow that’s a really cool thing that happened’ watching us. No, Itchy Neck is bad kind of watching.”



“Bad watching? What the hay is bad watching?”



Ezn: Bad watching is when you watch something bad. Or read something bad. Like the other day I was reading this fanfic called- OH SNAP!



“Ssssspyyyyying.”



Crazy56U: Damn it, the fan fic is having buffering issues!

Vimbert: The framerate is downright terrible here.



Pinkie Pie replied with a hush. “And the spy is... that way!”



Without another word the pink pony was off, galloping at a full sprint



Ezn: The bar was about to close and Berry Punch was still sober.



leaving a very confused Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.



Ezn: She ran so fast that she made a new pony called Rainbowshy!



“She is so random.”



Ezn: Little did Rainbow Dash know that particle decay is the only TRUE randomness.



Disco: Next time, on Past Sins MST! Will Pinkie find the spy? How much can Epic Failure drink? Can Nyx ascend to new levels of Mary Sue-dom? Does anyone actually care?! To find out, tune in next time, to Past Sins MST!

Ezn: Same Past URL, same Sins channel!



=====================================================================

Disco: What, no Questions, Comments, Concerns?

DiStort: Aww, but I have so many!

simonAJ: Shove 'em. That's the old Pen Stroke. The new and reformed Pen Stroke knows he's perfect in every way.

Crazy56U: In other words, Nyx turned him into a Gary Sue.



My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.

=====================================================================





Chapter 8

You Can’t Hide Magic



Crazy56U: But you CAN run from it! (runs away... and into a wall) ...ow.

RLYoshi: That... was the worst attempt at running away... EVER. Of all time.

Drizzel: Not his fault, someone put a wall in his way.

Crazy56U: (dazed) What? I don’t think I can hear anymore. The wall broke my space... (falls over) ...I’m alright...



===================

Twilight looked on in a half daze,



Anon13: Someone should tell Pen that one of the Habits of Highly Successful Fanfics is NOT DOING THINGS BY HALVES!

Ezn: and half-cousined half-shouted

Crazy56U: Huh. I guess she had some special brownies.



watching as Nyx gingerly



Svensvenderson: Since when is Nyx a ginger?

Hellioning: That would explain so much.



ate at an apple. The pair were sitting on the grass behind the apple stand currently being worked by Big Macintosh,



Ezn: although at the time of this event it was empty



the red stallion allowing the pair to hide away from the crowds after the tree incident.



Shadix: They will never see trees the same way again.



The unicorn was in full on panic mode,



Ezn: Sparkler’s pickle jar got stuck again!

Isphone: I thought it was peanut butter.

Ezn: Mmm, peanut butter...

DiStort: Maybe it was a jar of peanut butter pickles?



though she was doing her best to keep up a calm facade so that Nyx wouldn’t feel like she had done anything wrong.



CTOONfan1: When in reality, her very existence was wrong.



Still, Twilight’s mind was spinning



RLYoshi: right round baby right round.



faster



RatherHomely: (Singing) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of brain.



than Dash could fly.



Dragon shaped eyes could be hidden with



Ezn: dragon-shaped



glasses,



Crazy56U: AKA The Clark Kent Maneuver.



wings with a vest but... but Nyx had practically blown her disguise right out of the water with that display of magic.



Disco: She’s sunk her own battleship!



Every pony at the Learn and Play Day had to be talking about what happened. A tree as tall as the school house had popped up out of nowhere and just as quickly turned back into a yellow pegasus.



Ezn: Just in case you... well, this IS a new chapter.

Disco: Yes, there’s no way we could possibly remember something that happened five paragraphs ago.

DiStort: Why? What happened five paragraphs ago?

Vimbert: Sorry, guys. What were we talking about? I forgot.

Crazy56U: Who are you people?!?

RLYoshi: So we're riffing Conversion Bureau, right? That's what this fanfic is?



Twilight wasn’t even sure she could pull off that kind of magic, and not only was she an adult



Anon13: Coulda fooled me.



she was one of the most gifted unicorns in Equestria. Her special talent was magic itself;



Vimbert: Just in case you forgot. Do you need a picture? A wiki link?

RatherHomely: Wait, there's MAGIC in this show?!



if anypony could do something like that it would be her...



Isphone: Jealousy overtook Twilight as she picked up Nyx and threw her in the street.



but here that feat of magic had been done by Nyx... a normal filly.



Svensvenderson: No, Nyx is a Mary Sue. Haven’t we figured that out, Twi?

Anon13: Yeah, Nyx blew ‘normal’ away several chapters ago.

Disco: They’re still washing the blood off the pavement.

Drizzel: And the bloods making everything sparkle-no offense Twilight.



No, despite what Twilight told herself and everypony, Nyx wasn’t entirely normal.



Ezn: She had a birthmark in the shape of a porkchop under her chin. Oh, and she was the reincarnation of Nightmare Moon.

Crazy56U: She had made friends with her ticks; Twilight has gotten concerned.

Hellioning: Nyx is perfectly normal for her species. It's just that her species is an abomination unto Celestia.



She was an alicorn, and there were only two other alicorns Twilight knew.



Ezn: She hadn’t made a very good impression at the alicorn singles mixer the previous month.



Luna and Celestia,



RLYoshi: Because, y'know, that isn't plainly obvious or anything.



and those two had the magical power to move the sun and moon.



Vimbert: Are you sure? PROVE IT.

RLYoshi: Pics or it didn't happen.



They were immortal princesses...



Was... was Nyx the same way? She wasn’t Nightmare Moon,



Crazy56U: Nope, Chuck Testa.



Twilight was dead



RLYoshi: YES! THE END AT LAST!



sure of that.



Vimbert: For no apparent reason.

Svensvenderson: Foreshadowing, perhaps?



But... she had come from the spell meant for Nightmare Moon



CTOONfan1: Don't you hate when your spell is sent to a neighbor?



and she was an alicorn.



Disco: Oh man, I’m having Chapter 1 flashbacks! Make them stop!

Vimbert: So clearly, there was no way she could be Nightmare Moon. Clearly.



Had the filly somehow inherited a gift of immortality?



Shadix: Come One, Come all! Fresh Immortality to any fine filly or colt!

Crazy56U: If she's immortal, does that mean she can only die if her head's cut off?

RLYoshi: Please let us test this theory...



Would she, when she was older,



CTOONfan1: develop interesting character traits?

RLYoshi: Hm... nah, probably not.



be able to move the sun and moon or other heavily bodies?



Ezn: Would she be able to help Twilight move her bookcases around without pay?

Isphone: Could she create a rock that's impossible to move, and then move it?

Private Sprinkles: Could she create a taco so huge, even she couldn't eat it?

Crazy56U: Could she make "Jersey Shore" enjoyable?

For The Plot: Other heavily bodies? Heavy bodies! Obviously, not only is she good at magic, she's incredibly strong.



Would she become as grand and regal as Celestia?



Ezn: Would she ever be rid of her tick infestation?

Disco: That’d require divine intervention.

Svensvenderson: “Would she be as perverted as Molestia? As mean as Trollestia?”

Crazy56U: What if... what if she became all three?

Anon13: She’d be the Sue to End All Sues.



The full weight of parenthood came crushing down on Twilight at this moment.



Svensvenderson: Twilight made her reflex save, and only took half damage.

For the Plot: At this moment? Not the other moments... THIS MOMENT?



What was she getting herself into?



Disco: The readers are asking themselves the same question.



She was taking care of this filly like a daughter, like she was Nyx’s mother... and she was barely an adult herself.



CTOONfan1: How old exactly IS she?

For the Plot: She was an adult just a few sentences back.



And, for all the unicorn knew, she was raising a filly that could someday sit beside Luna and Celestia as another immortal princess.



DiStort: You ever notice how ponies make a big deal out of what is essentially a birth defect?



And how long would she be able to keep the truth hidden?



CTOONfan1: I'm betting a few more hours.

For the Plot: At least two more chapters...

Drizzel: And even then we'll all be left in the dark...



Dragon shaped eyes could be hidden, wings could be hidden, but...



Ezn: copy-pasted lines could not be hidden as well.



that kind of magical power, how much longer would it be before Celestia heard of this prodigy in Ponyville and came to investigate herself? And even if the hiccup with turning Fluttershy into a tree



Anon13: That was a hiccup? What happens when she sneezes?

Crazy56U: The world ends. Duh.

Ezn: Everything gets 20% cooler, Scootaloo becomes a chicken and the fun gets doubled.

Disco: Everyone would suddenly find their manes drenched, and their hooves covered in poorly-drawn socks.

DiStort: I believe the scientific term is “Memetasm.”

Drizzel: And it would be beautiful.



was a one time thing, what would happen as Nyx got older?



Disco: She’d probably turn emo and use her magic to write crappy poetry.

Anon13: Or go completely meta and write atrocious fanfics.

Vimbert: A Mary Sue that wrote other Mary Sues. It’s like some kind of dystopian nightmare.

RLYoshi: Yo dawg, I heard you like Mary Sues...

Svensvenderson: I would think anatomy would have been one of Twilight’s favorite subjects.

CTOONfan1: She's very self-conscious about that.

For the Plot: hey! She's working on that! You see her going to the gym...



Would Nyx’s magic get more powerful? How big was the filly going to get?



Crazy56U: Based on what I know about future events (in order): Yes, very big...



Luna, after all, was only a little bigger than the average pony



CTOONfan1: She's very self-conscious about that.



but she was still the younger sister; she might get bigger in time just like her older sister. And speaking of Celestia.... what if Nyx got to be as big as her? You can’t hide a pony that big.



Batman_the_Dino: Unless you build a very large barn in the middle of nowhere.



And what about her mane? What if Nyx’s mane started to turn magical, turning into that night blue field of magic with stars like the real Nightmare Moon?



Crazy56U: Then she has become Nightmare Moon...

Ezn: I, for one, would really like her mane then.



She could dress Nyx in a full body suit



Vimbert: That would be made out of rubber for completely innocent reasons



and that mane would still give her away.



Ezn: to charity, as a warm black blanket.

Disco: She’d be sent back in an attempt to avoid further tick infestations.



And what would ponies think when they began to realize what Nyx was? That she had some connection with Nightmare Moon? How long before the torches and pitchforks came out?



Crazy56U: They'd be angry, they'd be scared, they won't (unfortunately)...

DiStort: Ooh, I sense a fun new sport in the works.



How long before the royal guard was hunting Nyx down? How long before Celestia would banish Nyx to the moon?



Crazy56U: They won't, and she won't. ...oh yeah, spoilers.

Ezn: How long before Pen Stroke’s question mark key gets worn out?

Disco: Not soon enough.

RLYoshi: Next time on Ponyball Z!



Nyx didn’t deserve any of that.



Anon13: WRONG!

Disco: She deserves far worse.



She wasn’t Nightmare Moon, she just wasn’t.



Ezn: Except that she actually was.



She just looked like her... and had her power...and some of her memories...but she wasn’t-



Disco: Denial is magic!

Svensvenderson: If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...

Crazy56U: Then it’s a rabbit. Obviously.

Hellioning: She's not a duck! She's an ANTI-duck, a counter-duck if you will...



“Twilight, you okay? Yer lookin’ a might pale.”



Crazy56U: She turned white out of anxiety? ...meh, at least she didn't have another "tardy" episode...

Disco: Twilight is clearly a mood ring.

Hellioning: "Might Pale" sounds like an anime character name.



The unicorn was snapped out of her spiraling thoughts



CTOONfan1: Her thoughts that will pierce the heavens!



as she looked up at Big Macintosh,



Batman_the_Dino: with the dreamy eyes of a schoolgirl,



who had a moment free from customers to check on the pair.



“Oh... yes, sorry... I’m fine. Just... just a little light headed.”



Anon13: “Internal monologues are exhausting.”



“You want another apple?”



Anon13: “They’re pretty much all there is to our entire family.”

Vimbert: They’re one trick ponies, if you will.

Hellioning: Ba-dum-tish!

RLYoshi: (crickets)

Crazy56U: Boooo!



“No, no thank you Big Macintosh.”



Disco: “Save the shipping innuendo for another fic.”

Crazy56U: Please, that wasn't Big Macintosh talking; all he can say is "Yup" and "Nope". Season 2 taught me that.



The unicorn replied. “Uh, have they started the afternoon activities?”



“Don’t think so, but I reckon’ it’s going to start right soon. Saw Applejack and Apple Bloom headin’ in that direction.”



CTOONfan1: "That's the afternoon activity direction."



“We’re still going to that, even after what happened?” Nyx asked, a bit surprised.



Ezn: “We need something to pad the rest of this chapter with, silly!”

Vimbert: AND FILLER MAKES IT ALL COMPLETE!



“Yes, both because you didn’t really do anything wrong



DiStort: “Y’know, besides break several laws of magic and ethics.”

Vimbert: “And being a horrible abomination that perverts the natural order.”

Hellioning: But who's counting, really?

Crazy56U: I’d answer, but the Count from Sesame Street keeps screening my calls.



and because I know you’ve been looking forward to it.” Twilight replied, getting to her hooves.



Anon13: “Also, I left my brains in my other pants.”

Disco: It’s been through wash a few times.

Drizzel: "And I don't have pants."



Those were two valid reasons for them to stay and participate in the afternoon activities.



Svensvenderson: Twilight apparently doesn’t know the definition of ‘valid.’

Crazy56U: Please, “valid” to her is “insane” to us.



The greater and unspoken reason, however, was that Twilight was worried about what would happen if they left.



CTOONfan1: She feared if Nyx left the story, it would be much more enjoyable.



The two leaving abruptly would seem out of the ordinary, which would make her friends worry. They would then come looking for her and Nyx expecting an explanation,



Vimbert: Which would be happening anyway if any of them had come down with Common Sense Syndrome.



not only to why they left but even why Nyx was able to turn Fluttershy into a tree.



CTOONfan1: It's magic. She doesn't have to explain.

Crazy56U: That may work for Joe Quesada, but that won’t fly here, buddy.



Leaving would invite more unwanted attention.



Svensvenderson: And then she would be TARDY!



But if they stayed, then they could try and act like what had happened was nothing out of the ordinary.



Ezn: “Nyx turned me into a tree just the other day! It’s totally normal.”



That Twilight wasn’t at all surprised that Nyx was able to turn Fluttershy into a tree and that it was perfectly normal.



CTOONfan1: Yes. Turning fellow living creatures into trees happens every Tuesday where I'm from.



This was the farthest from the truth, but at the moment Twilight was hoping that maybe, just maybe, ponies would think Nyx was just a very, very gifted little unicorn



CTOONfan1: who may be the spawn of evil incarnate.



and not Nightmare Moon reborn.



Disco: Twilight: strategist extraordinaire.

Vimbert: “HI GURRRRRLZ! If you’d just drink the Kool-Aid...”

Hellioning: I'm the only one who cares, but it was FLAVOR-AID that the cult drank!

RLYoshi: ...I care...



For the moment, however, they would continue to hide behind the apple stand, if only to give Nyx a few more minutes to eat in peace.



RLYoshi: Are we still talking about food?



================



“I know you’re here some where Spy Spyerton McSpy.”



Svensvenderson: O.C. Copyright Pen Stroke.

Vimbert: He can have him.

Hellioning: Gentlemen...



Pinkie Pie whispered to herself, eyes focused in a hard glare



Disco: She’s gotten into the coffee again!

Crazy56U: Back under the table for me. (does just that)



as she surveyed the crowd of ponies moving about the lunch area and the exhibits. Whoever had been watching her, Dash, and Fluttershy had slipped away once, but now Pinkie Pie knew the spy was there,



CTOONfan1: meaning he wasn't a very good spy.



and she would find him



DiStort: and get him back for sapping her sentry.



or her.



Itchy Neck...



Private Sprinkles: You know, maybe she just needs to scratch her neck?

Hellioning: Stop making sense, it's making the fic look even worse!



Pinkie Pie’s head snapped to the right,



RLYoshi: and she fell down and died of a broken neck.

Crazy56U: (to the sky, shaking his fist) SPY SPYERTON MCSPYYYYYYYYY!



her eyes zipping through the crowd



Ezn: injuring hundreds

For the Plot: And suddenly, injuries.... Thousands of them.



to meet a pair of brown-gray eyes.



Ezn: It was love at first sight.



Her eyes remained fixed on those eyes for a moment, the pony who owned them



CTOONfan1: wanted them back desperately.



realizing Pinkie Pie was looking right in that direction and quickly ducked around a corner.



Creaky Knee...



Ezn: I have a creaky knee too. It’s from an arrow.

RLYoshi: (eye twitches) Ezn... could you stand there? Riiiiight there? Thanks. (pulls out bazooka)

Crazy56U: "You got your over-used meme in my riffing!" "You got your riffing in my over-used meme!"



“Gotcha...” Pinkie Pie whispered with a slightly devilish grin, starting to



Batman_the_Dino: imagine their life together once she was finally with him.



gallop. Creaky Knee was



Ezn: a nice pony.



one of her twitches that told her somepony was trying to get away from her...



Ezn: It told her this by whispering into her ear.

Vimbert: “KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY!”

Crazy56U: Hey, cool! I'm a HUGE fan of the "'Kill Your Family' Show"!



and most importantly the knee closest to the pony was the one that got creaky. Which meant she could track the spy.



Private Sprinkles: Pinkie Pie: living deus ex machina.

Hellioning: So Pinkie is a Pyro?

For the Plot: "most importantly the knee closest to the pony was the one that got creaky. Which meant she could track the spy." Sounds legit.



Rounding a corner the spy had just disappeared around, Pinkie Pie maneuvered through the crowd in hot pursuit.



Disco: She narrowly dodged a sheet of glass, and burst through several

fruit carts.

Hellioning: "My cabbages!"

Crazy56U: Well, since pizza is now a vegetable, why NOT make cabbages fruits?



She caught small glances of somepony at a full gallop just ahead of her, rounding corners.



Disco: The pony was desperately trying to escape the story while it still could.

Anon13: If you make it, come back for us!

RLYoshi: You know, if you really want out of the story, the exit is right there... am I the only one who's noticed this? Really?

Crazy56U: Really? Because the only exit I see is a brick wall with “Exit” spray-painted on it. ...jerk.

RLYoshi: That might explain why I got a bloody nose when I tried to leave...



The spy knew she was onto him, but that wouldn’t stop her.



Mastr13: Oh yeah? What if I said... blargen fedibble no-hip!?

Crazy56U: Sorry, I don’t speak French...



Nopony went about being a nasty Spy Spyerton McSpy, especially around her and her friends.



Batman_the_Dino: However, if they were a polite Spy Spyerton McSpy, they could do whatever they pleased.



Creaky Knee Front Left... Creaky Knee Front Right... Creaky Knee Front Right... Creaky Knee Back Left... Creaky Knee Front Right... Twingy Ankle...



DiStort: Has Pinkie considered that she might she might just be having a seizure?

CTOONfan1: This is the weirdest Hokey Pokey I've ever seen.

For the Plot: Clopfic material right here.



Pinkie Pie put all four of her hooves to the ground, breaking hard and sliding to a stop. Twingy Ankle... now the spy wasn’t running, the spy was hiding.



For the Plot: "Twingy Ankle... now the spy wasn’t running, the spy was hiding." Again, sounds legit.

Anon13: Damn, I hope Pinkie came with a user’s manual.

DiStort: She did, but it has several trillion pages, all of which are written in sanskrit.

RLYoshi: Stonewall was supposed to bring it, but... well... you know the drill.

Crazy56U: So it was a drill that kept stealing Stonewall’s things! THE FIEND!



Pinkie Pie’s eyes narrowed, the pony finding herself on one side of the food court area that had been set up for the Learn and Play Day.



CTOONfan1: It was to be lent next week for "Shut Up and Read a Book Day."



There were ponies at almost every table, eating their lunches while other ponies mingled about, talking and laughing.



“Oh, he’s good, but Hide and Seek



Ezn: are two of my favourite ponies.



is one of my favorite games. ”



Ezn: “Mainly because I can cheat.”



Pinkie Pie whispered, before taking in a deep breath



Ezn: Spell Nexus, who was standing to the side, beamed with pride and wiped a solitary tear from his eye. He then did other things.

Batman_the_Dino: ...like inhaling and exhaling passionately.



and shouting, “YOU HEAR THAT!!! I’LL FIND YOU!!!”



Crazy56U: Yep, it's official: she's gone full-on Captain Ahab.

Ezn: You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real.

Crazy56U: (as Antoine Dodson) Wellst... Obviously we have a breathing-fetishist in Ponyville.

Disco: *Facehoof* Real smooth, Inspector Javert.



All the ponies who had been eating their meals and chatting turned to look at Pinkie Pie, most quite



Ezn: hungry for some pink pie.



startled by the pink pony’s sudden and very loud proclamation.



Svensvenderson: The town of Ponyville hasn’t gotten used to Pinkie Pie yet?

Hellioning: Is it possible for anypony to get used to Pinkie Pie?



Still, Pinkie Pie ignored the confused stares



CTOONfan1: as that’s the normal look she gets.

Ezn: Haters gonna hate.



as her eyes scanned the crowd, eventually taking sight of a pony sitting alone at a table who had not turned around,



CTOONfan1: believing a party is needed to make him some friends.



her eyes falling on the back of his slicked back navy blue mane.



Ezn: and getting tangled in it.



“Gotcha... again.” Pinkie Pie offered



Vimbert: An attractive going-away party to Hide and Seek before they left the story.



with a menacing



Ezn: eyeless



grin. The pink pony moved across the food court slowly,



Ezn: swaying drunkly and drinking some berry punch.

Drizzel: Berry Punch: Put me down!



stepping between ponies as she did her best to approach the spy from behind.



Ezn: RAPE IMMINENT



She was within a few tables



CTOONfan1: Tables are now storage devices. Also, Pinkie is in pieces.

RLYoshi: Pieces? Like jigsaw pieces? I always thought she was quite puzzling!

Drizzel: Boo!



when a face popped in front of her.



Ezn: splattering blood and eyeballs all over her coat.



“Oh, there you are Pinkie Pie. I was worried when you ran off.”



CTOONfan1: "You're not trying to escape this story, are you?"

Drizzel: If you are TAKE ME WITH YOU!



Dash said, hovering just in front of the pink earth pony.



Ezn: “Dash! I’m over here! I hate it when you confuse me with Berry Punch!”

Vimbert: “What? All you earth ponies look the same.”

Crazy56U: Ah, nothing like a little casual racism to go along with a fan-fic riffing.

Drizzel: You know, for kids!



“It’s almost time to start the afternoon sports and games. You still want to help?”



“No... I don’t... because... I’m tracking... a pony and...”



Anon13: All these ellipses are covering his tracks!



Pinkie Pie replied, trying to strain her neck to look around Rainbow Dash.



CTOONfan1: She had gotten really fat lately.



Eventually, the earth pony gently pushed the hovering pegasus out of the way, only to find the pony she had been creeping up on had vanished.



CTOONfan1: Obviously he turned invisible.

RLYoshi: Dammit, he must have the Cloak and Dagger! Stupid lucky drops...



The pink pony grunted in aggravation, turning accusing glare on Rainbow Dash.



Disco: Pinkie SMASH!



“And you let him get away!”



Ezn: “Now I’ll have to make cupcakes out of you instead!”

RLYoshi: NO. (snaps Ezn's neck) WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT... THAT.

Crazy56U: (hits you with a frying pan) It’s a running gag. Deal with it.



“Whoa... sorry, I didn’t mean to mess up... whatever it is you’re doing.”



Creaky Knee Front Right...



CTOONfan1: That means “kill the rainbow one”.



Pinkie Pie’s frown quickly turned



Ezn: into a jet and bombed the Russians.

Hellioning: At this point, she promptly flew into Celestia. Now she's dead. And on the moon.

RLYoshi: LIKE A FAUST!

Crazy56U: TRANSFORMERS! MORE THAN MEETS THE PIE!



back to a sinister smile,



Anonymous: Crazy, I suggest you get back under the table.



her head snapping in another direction.



“Don’t worry about it Dashie; now the spy is trying to run away form me again and nopony can run away from Pinkamena Diane Pie.”



Ezn: “No rock or bag of flour either!”

Batman_the_Dino: twitch



“Wait, you’re still chasing this imaginary spy?”



Ezn: “It makes me happy, okay! It helps me cope with the pain!”



Pinkie Pie, however, offered no answer



Ezn: at CRAZY LOW PRICES!

Disco: for a LIMITED TIME ONLY!

Private Sprinkles: Made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff.



as she galloped across the food court. She caught sight of a navy-blue tail ducking behind the front of the school house, and the earth pony broke into



Ezn: five pieces and had the tail surrounded.

CTOONfan1: SONG!

Batman_the_Dino: several houses before following the spy.



a full sprint to catch up. She leapt around the corner, eyes darting about to see where the pony went.



Ezn: Two of the pieces were her eyes - they served as scouts for the mission.



Creaky Knee Front Right... Twingy Ankle...



“Oh, you silly spy.



Crazy56U: Hmm... anybody in the mood for Team Fortress 2?

Hellioning: Right behind you, gentlemen.



You thought you could hide in the school house, but nopony can hide from Pinkie Pie.”



RLYoshi: Am I the only one thinking her special talent should have been stalking rather than partying?



With that the earth pony moved to the school’s front door,



Ezn: “The rent’s pretty cheap, and there’s a nice view.”



taking a moment to gather herself



Ezn: into one piece again.



before bursting through the door



CTOONfan1: covering herself in hundreds of splinters.



and jumping up onto her back hooves, pulling a few karate poses



Ezn: out of Hammerspace and flinging them around

Disco: Everypony was kung fu fighting!



as she shouted



Svensvenderson: HIKEEBA!



into the dark.



“Come on out now, Spy Spyerton McSpy!



CTOONfan1: “the Spyth from Spyville, Spysylvania!”

Crazy56U: And so’s his dad.



I know you’re in



Ezn: “the stable! You’re a brony! Admit it!”

Crazy56U: "NEVER!!!"



here, and you’re going to tell me why you’re being a big meanie and spying on me and my friends!”



“Enough of of this.”



arcaneterror: The the eye creatures



A voice offered



Ezn: “This phrase comes with a spare ‘of’, in case you lose one!”

Anon13: SAY ‘OFFERED’ AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!

Crazy56U: I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU! Heck, I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!

Ralphie: Hmm... Crazy56U created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat!



from the back of the dark room. Pinkie Pie turned,



Ezn: into a tree. Twilight glared at Nyx.

Batman_the_Dino: Nyx proceeded to cry. A lot.

Anon13: And then the universe exploded. THE END.



her eyes meeting the same brown-gray eyes she had seen among the exhibits.



Ezn: “Don’t you see! We were meant for each other!”



The eyes closed, and then, upon reopening, had turned a brilliant turquoise.



Ezn: SHOCK AND HORROR

Crazy56U: (woodenly) "Birdemic"! What a great movie! That's it, I'm going to buy more coat hangers!

Disco: How harrowing!



================



“All right, ponies!” Rainbow Dash half shouted



Ezn: half-cousined



over the remaining crowd.



CTOONfan1: The rest had been turned into trees.



“It’s time for the last awesome event of the day.



Ezn: “Enjoy it, because we’ve got like ten lame events afterwards.”

CTOONfan1: The rest had been turned into trees.



The Tug of War Tournament.”



DiStort: Not that I disapprove, but what exactly is educational about Tug-of-war?

Vimbert: It lets the ponies... uh... I got nothin’.

Anon13: Oh, that’s easy... it teaches fillies that the strong usually have their way regardless of intelligence or morality. A valuable life lesson.

RLYoshi: It teaches them about physics and science and leverage! Strong pony pulls one end, weak pony pulls other end, weak pony's end moves. Now for homework...

Crazy56U: It's educational because shut up.



The parents and other ponies



DiStort: who had nothing better to do that day

Drizzel: Except get turned into trees.

Anon13: Beats the hell out of a school board meeting.



who had come out for the Learn and Play Day all cheered,



Svensvenderson: Knowing it was almost over.



having formed into a sizable audience around three different colored tug of war ropes



Batman_the_Dino: , all of which were shades of turquoise.

RLYoshi: PLOT TWIST! THE SCHOOL IS PART OF NIGHTMARE MOON'S CULT!

Drizzel: Teaching all the students to be fabulous!



. “So, here’s how it’s going to happen.



Anon13: “You’re all going to make valiant efforts, and then Nyx is going to Mary Sue her way to winning everything.”

Ezn: SPOILERS!

DiStort: Is it spoilers if it’s obvious?



There are teams of four,



Ezn: “One for unicorns, one for pegasi, and two for second-class citizens.”



and each team has been placed on our tournament roster.



Ezn: “It’s printed on like A0-size paper.”



There are also three age groups and teams will fit into the age group of its oldest member. The last teams standing in each age group will get prizes,



CTOONfan1: The rest will go to the moon.



and then we’ll let the top teams tug it out



Ezn: Nah, too easy.



to see which one is the Tug of War Champions of the day.



RLYoshi: Tomorrow they will be overthrown.



“Now teams, report to the colored rope you were assigned to and let’s get tugging.”



Ezn: Spell Nexus complied at once, using a colored rope he’d brought himself.

Isphone: "This sweatshop wall won't raise itself!"



Another round of cheers as fillies and colts, some younger and some on the verge of being mares and stallions, filtered



Ezn: incredibly painfully



to one of the three ropes. At the red rope, for the youngest age group, Rarity stood with a clipboard levitating gently in front of her



Batman_the_Dino: , ready to smack the losers.



. Cheerilee had the middle age group and Applejack was keeping the oldest ponies in line.



Svensvenderson: Since being able to wrangle sheep automatically makes you leadership material.

Hellioning: If nothing else, she could just ask.

Crazy56U: Applejack: "Losing a game of tug-of-war? A night in the Box. Cheating in a game of tug-of-war? A night in the Box. Refusing to spend a night in the Box? A night in the Box."



“All right.” Rarity half sang



Ezn: half-moaned



above the sizable crowd of little fillies that had crowded around her.



CTOONfan1: "I NEED BREATHING ROOM!"



“First up are the Cutie Mark Crusaders vs The Carrot Clan.



Svensvenderson: Do they go around wearing big orange hoods?

Hellioning: EARTH PONY POWER!

Crazy56U: Hippies? RUN!



Those two teams get to your sides of the rope and everypony else stand back please.”



Vimbert: Isn’t it cute how she asked a question without asking a question? No? Okay.



The young ponies followed the directions. On one side of the rope were three colts and a filly, all of them with some form of a carrot themed cutie mark,



Ezn: clasped in their teeth.



who took up the rope in their teeth. On the other side of the rope, the four fillies wearing bright red Cutie Mark Crusader caps



Ezn: Baseball caps were in that season; cloaks were out.

Disco: Hasbro should get on that.



got into line. Sweetie Belle was in the front, Scootaloo behind her. Nyx, who had been officially inducted into the Cutie Mark Crusaders just after the Spring Festival,



Svensvenderson: Of course.

jelfes1: Oh my... just how Mary Sue can she possibly be?!

Hellioning: This is the Mary Sue singularity. We need to stop her before she destroys the universe.



took up the third position while Apple Bloom became the team’s anchor.



Ezn: Almost the correct pony race hierarchy.

Disco: Give them time. They’ll figure it out.

CTOONfan1: "I'm at the back of the Tug of War line. Will we win? More at 11."



“Remember, the goal is to pull the flag in the center of the rope across your line.” Rarity replied,



Ezn: “If you can’t manage that, you will have failed at being a pony.”

Crazy56U: "For that, I award you no points. And may Celestia have mercy on your soul."



motioning towards the white



Ezn: Stripes, who were providing the afternoon’s music.



lines that were painted on the ground. The two teams nodded their heads in agreement, already starting to pull the rope taut between them.



CTOONfan1: Cheaters!



Able to notice the eagerness in the team,



Ezn: thanks to her degree in psychology



Rarity didn’t waste another moment.



“Ready... Set... GO!”



RLYoshi: ROUND ONE! FIGHT!



The two teams tightened their jaws



Ezn: by adjusting their braces



and began to pull on the rope,



Ezn: but then let go and ran off to ride bikes.



struggling to drag the other team far enough the flag would cross the line. For a moment the Carrot Clan team began to get the advantage,



Ezn: but then got bored with it and wanted to see what the disadvantage was like.



the four earth ponies managing to pull the Crusaders a few steps forward. Still, the tides turned back



CTOONfan1: It was now low tide.



as Scootaloo began flapping her wings,



Batman_the_Dino: So unicorns can't use magic, but pegasi can use wings? RACISM!



much like when she was riding on her scooter. The added force let the Crusaders regain their footing, and soon, with a few hard pulls, they had won the first match.



Ezn: Once more proving that earth pony is the worst race.



“YAY! Cutie Mark Crusader Tug of War Champions!”



Ezn: “Did we get our cutie marks for playing a useless schoolyard game?!”



The four cheered in unison



Ezn: “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SYNCHRONISED CHEERSQUAD YAY!”

Drizzel: And everyone's ears started to bleed.



before stepping away from their side of the rope, letting the next two teams approach.



Svensvenderson: I hope they clean the rope afterwards.

Vimbert: Heh... nope.



=========



Due to the tournament ladder, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had



Ezn: three years of bad luck.



two more rounds of tug of war before they reached their age group’s final match, and



Ezn: would be able to use it to take a smoke break.



the Crusaders couldn’t be happier who they were facing.



Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon



CTOONfan1: Why don’t they just die?

Crazy56U: Well, Diamond Tiara can’t because she’s the anti-Celestia, but I can’t explain why Silver Spoon won’t.

RLYoshi: Because her name has alliteration, and as we all know, alliteration is the most important part of cartoons.

For the Plot: Scootaloo: "I'm liking this idea."



had gotten two of the strongest colts in the age group on their team,



CTOONfan1: Jean Colt van Damme and Arnold Schwartzenbucker.



and they had gotten to the final match by basically relying on those two strong colts.



Ezn: “SNOOTY RICH FILLY MANAGERS YAY!”

For the Plot: They don't care, though. They're getting all the fillies.



Still, the Crusaders weren’t about to lose to fillies who liked to call them blank flanks on a regular basis.



Ezn: They would much rather lose to fillies who liked to call them annoying characters.



That and Nyx still had a bit of a personal score to settle with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon for



Ezn: killing her father.

Crazy56U: So... is Nyx Luke Skywalker now?

RLYoshi: Well, she definitely has enough magic to lift an X-Wing out of a bog...



the whole Everfree Forest prank.



DiStort: Winning at Tug-Of-War is an equivalent act to attempted murder. Eye for an eye, folks.

Batman_the_Dino: Note: both of those eyes are turquoise.



“Ready... Set... Go!” Rarity shouted, the two teams quickly pulling the rope taut. Almost immediately the Cutie Mark Crusaders began to lose ground,



CTOONfan1: Okay. Who's the one who enchanted a shovel?



the two colts on the other team starting to drag the three fillies back.



Ezn: Three fillies? Nyx is a colt!

Disco: I knew it!

Hellioning: Won't Spell Nexus be disappointed?



They were colts just barely in the youngest age groups; one of them literally had a birthday within a week.



Svensvenderson: Hey! That’s... perfectly legal.



“Come on!” Apple Bloom grunted through the rope in her mouth. “Pull!”



“We are!” Scootaloo grunted back. “But our hooves are slipping!”



Ezn: “And my mom isn’t here to cheer for me!”



“Ha ha ha! Looks like you four are going to be losers and blank flanks.” Diamond Tiara called, actually taking her mouth off the rope since the two older colts on her team were doing all the work.



CTOONfan1: She's gonna make a great Bella Swan one day.

Crazy56U: (slap) DON’T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT!



“Oh... It. Is. On!” Sweetie Belle offered,



Ezn: having pilfered Rarity’s closet earlier that morning.



the unicorn in the front digging her hooves into the ground and finally managing to halt the team’s slow defeat,



CTOONfan1: Everyone, Sweetie Belle is now the most badass dictionary ever.



the flag on the rope just short of the other team’s line.



“Everypony.”



Ezn: “And you too, Scootaloo.”

Isphone: “I’m speaking to every pony, dictionary, and chicken!”

Crazy56U: You forgot "Mary Sue".

RLYoshi: So a pony, a dictionary, a chicken, and a Mary Sue walk into a bar...

Crazy56U: The punchline is “The Aristocrats”, isn’t it?



Nyx mumbled out. “Pull hard together.



Ezn: Spell Nexus excused himself to visit the bathroom.



Ready... PULL!”



The four Crusaders put their weight into their unified tug,



CTOONfan1: adding 6 pounds.



and actually managed to regain some ground, each taking a single step back.



Ezn: Spike then greedily gathered up their hard-won collection of steps.



Nyx made the “Ready... PULL!” again, and



Ezn: offered it to somepony.



again the fillies were able to reclaim a single step,



Ezn: in the name of The Children of Nightmare!



slowly dragging back the older stallions.



Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon tried for the first time in the tournament to really help pull, not wanting to see the Crusaders win. Still, Nyx’s strategy was working, enough that they were able to get the flag on the rope back to where it had started.



Hellioning: How the hell does "pull at the same time" count as a strategy? I know common sense is neither but this doesn't seem that impressive...

Ezn: DT and SS simply did not have their opponent’s Mary-Sue reality-warping powers.

DiStort: In the TV Tropes hierarchy, the Libby is vastly inferior to the Black-hole Sue.

Crazy56U: Where does "The Scrappy" fit?

RLYoshi: Where else would a scrappy fit? Right at the bottom, in the pit of hellfire.



At that point, however, Diamond Tiara’s team



Ezn: noted that the graph had an inflection.



figured out a counter strategy for the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ tactics,



Ezn: “We’ll throw counters at them!”

Disco: Horizontal Surface’s teachings were forever corrupted.

Crazy56U: Darn it. Now we have to make a new file for his teachings!



the four of them leaning hard into the rope whenever Nyx called out pull. It lead to a tense stalemate.



Ezn: It was so tense that the quotation marks in that paragraph ran off to hide.

Disco: Just like most of the readers.



“My jaw is starting to hurt.” Sweetie Belle mumbled out.



Disco: My head has been hurting for a few chapters.

Svensvenderson: Maybe if they stopped trying to talk while pulling on the rope it wouldn’t hurt.



“Just hold on, we can win this.” Scootaloo countered,



Svensvenderson: “Scootaloo used counter! It’s not very effective.”



trying to pep up the team as she beat her wings like mad.



“We can’t over power them.” Nyx grunted



CTOONfan1: Yes, the filly who turned a full grown mare into a tree doesn't have enough power for this.



as the Crusaders began to lose a little of their hard earned ground. “We have to out think them.”



Disco: That shouldn’t be too hard.



“And just how are we supposed to do that?” Apple Bloom asked,



Ezn: “What’s this ‘thinking’ thing?”

Isphone: Sounds like somepony needs a Party Time Menthol.

Vimbert: Oh, Apple Bloom. Leave the thinking to your betters.

RLYoshi: I can't think. I have the dumb.

Crazy56U: I’LL SAVE YOU! (hits you with a book)



only for Nyx to start whispering, just loud enough for her friends to hear



Ezn: “This is no time for- Dinky Doo said what?”



but keeping the plan secret from their opponents.



Anon13: How exactly can you do that while pulling a rope with your teeth?

Disco: Very carefully.



When the plan had been conferred to all Nyx began to count.



Ezn: Applejack narrowed her eyes in concentration.

Vimbert: “One... uh... two... um... four?”

Drizzel: "Three sir."



“Ready... PULL!” Nyx shouted out through the rope in her teeth.



CTOONfan1: She had practiced using ropes as megaphones for weeks.



Diamond Tiara’s team, hearing this, quickly pulled, trying to counter act the tug the Crusaders were about to perform. The crusaders, however, did not pull back. They instead let Diamond Tiara’s team have some of the slack.



RLYoshi: Only a small amount, though. Slack is very valuable, so they wanted to keep some of it, but they were willing to offer about thirty percent of it as a peace offering.



The sudden lack of opposition threw off Diamond Tiara’s team, causing the stallion they had in the back to



Ezn: suddenly hit puberty, apparently.



trip over his own hooves and fall off the rope. This was what the Crusaders had been hoping for, as Nyx shouted out another “PULL” and the four fillies took back all the slack they had given and then some.



Ezn: The slack was later donated to poor orphan earth ponies.



“Match over; the Cutie Mark Crusaders win!” Rarity sung out



Ezn: as she snapped the match with her hooves, decrying the CMCs’ filthy smoking habits.

Crazy56U: For the love of Batman, "Past Sins", please don't turn into a musical...



to the cheers of the crowd, and the defeated shouts of Diamond Tiara.



Ezn: The amazing cheer vs shout battle was what the audience had really come to see.

DiStort: It’s like a rap battle. Only louder and less musical.

Crazy56U: And less epic. And less pertaining to history.



Still, her minor tantrum was ignored



Crazy56U: as nopony gave a crap.



as the four Cutie Mark Crusaders high hoofed and then went over to where Dash was hovering to wait for the other age groups to finish.



Ezn: Scootaloo: “Did I do good, Rainbow Dash?”

Dash: “What? I wasn’t watching.”



============



“All right, it’s time for our awesome championship round.” Dash announced,



Ezn: “It’s awesome because instead of a championship round, we’re all going to beat up Nyx!” “YAY!”



only one tug of war rope remaining. “It’s going to be between the Cutie Mark Crusaders and The Boulders.”



Hellioning: Won't The Boulders feel conflicted about having to fight four young fillies?

Anon13: They’re doing a Flintstones crossover?

Crazy56U: Why not? If there's a Flintstones/Jetsons crossover, why not a Flintstones/MLP crossover?

Ezn: Ponies! Meet the ponies! They’re the perfect Equestrian bunch of pals!

Ponies! With the ponies! Making quality television for gals!



Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Nyx



Ezn: The hierarchy is wrong again!



all looked wide-eyed



Ezn: as a consequence of their eyes being wide.

Batman_the_Dino: and turquoise, as a result of Spell Nexus growing bored.



at their opponents. By some luck they had managed to beat the middle age group champion team,



Ezn: They used a secret earth pony Winter Wrap Up technique.

Vimbert: In a scene too boring for even this story.



but now the four little fillies were facing a team of four colts that were arguably full grown stallions, or very close to being considered young adults.



“Now, since one team has an obvious advantage,” Dash said,



Ezn: “We’ll let the Boulders choose an OC alicorn from the crowd.”



motioning towards the four earth ponies of The Boulders. “We’ll allow the Cutie Mark Crusaders to have an advantage.



CTOONfan1: "Nyx, turn them into trees."



They can either add another pony to their team, have one unicorn be allowed to use magic, or they can pick a pony from The Boulders to sit out.”



The Crusaders quickly huddled up, Apple Bloom quickly offering her opinion.



Ezn: Silly Pen Stroke, earth ponies don’t have opinions!



“We should ask my big sister to join our team, no, wait! ... we should ask Big Macintosh to be on our team! I bet he could beat those four big ponies all by himself.”



Ezn: “Eeyup.”



“No, I want to beat these colts ourselves.



Ezn: “I have a feminism quota to fulfill.”



I say we take the biggest and make him sit out. It be four vs. three.” Scootaloo argued.



Ezn: Applejack quickly borrowed Luna’s abacus to double-check Scootaloo’s counting.

Disco: She collapsed in agony shortly after.



“What about magic? I’m not that good at it, but Nyx is really good at magic. She turned Fluttershy into a tree!” Sweetie Belle pointed out.



Svensvenderson: “Since she’s a Mary Sue, she’s good at everything!”



“You heard about that?” Nyx asked, a bit embarrassed.



Ezn: “I was going to turn her into a forest, but... I couldn’t. Twilight was so disappointed.”



“Hard not to, considering everypony here saw the tree. Still, I think Sweetie Belle is right.



Ezn: “She’s a unicorn, after all!”



Nyx is wicked awesome at magic, and just think how cool it would be to beat those big ponies without help from anypony else.”



“I don’t know.” Apple Bloom admitted. “Nyx, do you think you have enough magic?”



Crazy56U: Nyx, are you a bad enough filly to save the President?!?

Anon13: Are you kidding? She’s MARY SUE!



“I... I think so. I mean, I did turn a pony into a tree.”



DiStort: OKAY. WE GET IT. SHE TURNED FLUTTERSHY INTO A TREE. STOP REMINDING US.

Vimbert: Are you following the plot, readers? Do you need a recap? A Past Sins wiki link? (oh Celestia I hope one of those doesn’t exist)

Crazy56U: Not if I have anything to say about it! (runs off)



10 MINUTES LATER



Crazy56U: ...I've been banned from "Wikipedia".

Disco: There’s a wiki for everything. Everything.



“All right, it’s decided then. Nyx will be our anchor



Batman_the_Dino: She fixed her hair, turned around, and attached her mic, getting ready to deliver the evening news.



and use her magic.” Scootaloo concluded,



Ezn: And suddenly this fic became the lost Nyx arc of The End of Ponies.

Vimbert: NOT ON MY WATCH.

Crazy56U: (Sharpies what Ezn said on your watch) Hah, and hah.



the Crusaders ending their huddle and telling Rainbow Dash their choice. The pegasus echoed their choice to the crowd,



Ezn: Their choice their choice their choice their choice

Drizzel: (slap) Darn thing, always breaking...



most of the ponies cheering while one particular purple unicorn looked a little anxious.



Batman_the_Dino: "Do I have time to go to the bathroom before the match starts?"

Ezn: “I still can’t get this jar open!”

CTOONfan1: Where are the Powerpuff Girls when you need them?

Vimbert: Twilight Sparkle, meanwhile, cheered like an idiot, seeing no way this could possibly go wrong.



Soon the two teams were lined up on the single, remaining tug of war rope. And, since it was the last final



DiStort: Wait, I thought we were on the final last.



, there was even a proper mud pit.



Anon13: Imported, too. Rarity could barely keep herself out of it.



The rules were classic:



Svensvenderson: As opposed to the post-modern rules.

For the Plot: You mean the Reformist rules they had before.



once all the members of one team were in the mud they lost. It was a tug of war to the last pony standing.



CTOONfan1: They had a janitor on standby to mop up the blood.



The four nearly full grown stallions on the other team took the rope in their mouths, smiling like they had already won.



Ezn: “This defeat of four tiny fillies shall be our greatest victory!”



Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo took the rope up as well, biting down hard as they prepared for what was going to be a very hard match to win.



Ezn: Scootaloo started getting withdrawal, and nicotine patches were rushed onto the field.



Nyx stood at the end, gripping the very end of the rope in her teeth while her horn glowed, the filly deciding to use her magic



Batman_the_Dino: as opposed to ignoring her magic and failing miserably.



to help her keep her hooves from sliding.



Disco: Which promptly failed, causing her to fall on her face.



“All right, is everypony ready?”



CTOONfan1: NO!

Crazy56U: Interesting arguement, but I offer this as a rebuttal.



Dash asked, looking ta the two teams. Every pony gave a nod,



Ezn: “And you, Scoots? Is every chicken ready?”

Disco: Nah, she’s still undercooked. Give her another five minutes in the

microwave.

DiStort: What about Sweetie Belle? We need to make sure every dictionary is ready, too.



and with a smile Dash lifted a hoof high into the air.



Ezn: I STICK MY HOOF UP IN THE AIR SOMETIMES



“Ready... Set... GO!”



SPLASH!!!



Anon13: Nice to see sound guy’s branching out.

Disco: It’ll look good on his resume.



Sweetie Belle was in the mud pit within moments of the match starting,



Ezn: Rarity bit her lip with jealousy.



the big stallions on the other team just having to give a sound tug to



Ezn: a deserving little child for Hearth’s Warming.



drag the little white unicorn into the mud. The other three fillies did their best to pull back, but even with Nyx’s trying to bewitch their hooves to hold tighter to the ground The Boulders



Hellioning: have gotten over their conflicted feelings and are ready to bury them in a ROCKALANCHE!



were able to drag them.



SPLASH!!!



DiStort: Mud’s supposed to be semisolid, it shouldn’t be splashing! Aw, man, they must’ve sprung for the bargain bin stuff.



Scootaloo was next, Sweetie Belle just barely able to get out of the way before the orange pegasus joined her in the mud pt.



Ezn: Team effort! There’s no I in mud pt!

Crazy56U: Darn budget cuts! What k_nd of world _s _t when we can't spr_ng for a s_mple letter l_ke "_"?!?

CTOONfan1: There was only a pint of mud? How are they all getting in it?

RLYoshi: Very carefully.



SPLASH!!!



The older kids weren’t even trying that hard, practically just dragging the Crusaders into the mud.



Vimbert: Except that’s what they would be doing even if they were trying.



Nyx was the last left, the magical filly’s hooves sliding across the ground as she was inched closer and closer to the mud pit.



CTOONfan1: Oh NOW it's a pit.



“Come on NYX!” Apple Bloom called out,



RLYoshi: Making sure to use capslock on the alicorn's name to make it sound important.



the farm filly already out of the mud. “Use more magic!”



RLYoshi: "The answer? Is magic. And if that don't work? Use more magic."



“Yea, don’t let them beat you!” Scootaloo offered,



Anon13: >BANG!<



stomping a hoof.



Ezn: because it just wasn’t fair.



The black filly glanced at them, knowing they were right.



Ezn: They were master-race non-blacks, after all.



All she had that might have been stronger than the other team was her magic, but how could she use it?



Ezn: With her horn, duh!



She couldn’t do anything too complex, otherwise she’d lose concentration and be pulled off her hooves,



CTOONfan1: A slightly more violent way to fall in love than swept off her hooves.



and she couldn’t just pull harder because her hooves were sliding across the ground.



What she needed was traction and strength,



Disco: and some common sense.

DiStort: And a tick bath.

Crazy56U: What, no force, balance, and push? (What? At least I didn’t mention arrows.)



and one of the spells had to be something she could cast and forget



CTOONfan1: Amnesia spell. Of course!

RLYoshi: Make the other team forget how to play Tug-of-War! It's genius!



because she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on more than one spell at a time. The mud pit was drawing closer,



Ezn: threatening to take the Pictionary World Champion title yet again.



the older colts playing with Nyx



Ezn: Chris Hansen: I’d like you boys to take a seat over there.

Crazy56U: And then the colts promptly shot themselves.



as they inched her closer and closer to the pit without even really trying.



Batman_the_Dino: Oh, and did I mention they weren't trying very hard?



That was the first thing she needed was to them from pulling her closer to the pit.



Anon13: No, the first thing she needed was a “stop” in that sentence.



Nyx’s horn began to glow a little brighter, and with a flash Nyx was suddenly rooted to the ground,



Batman_the_Dino: as she had suddenly become a tree. Get it? Rooted?

RLYoshi: Leaf it alone, pal. You need to start branching out.



her hooves no longer sliding. The older colts were caught off guard by the sudden stop,



Ezn: HAMMERTIME



but didn’t get to process



Svensvenderson: Being Earth ponies, it would have taken too long.



what was going on before Nyx began to shift



Ezn: Proper Etiquette stood off to the side, beaming with pride and wiping a solitary tear from his eye.



her magic.



She began to just pour the mystic energy into herself,



Ezn: adding a pinch of cinnamon for flavour.

Crazy56U: only to realize that it was actually gas. She cursed the burrito she had for lunch.



bending the magic from her horn down into her legs and muscles and jaw. When ponies are directly exposed to magic, it can have a profound effect.



Ezn: A profoundly magical effect, you could even say.



Celestia’s hair was a constant example, the magic that naturally flowed from the sun princess giving her the amazing, regal mane.



Ezn: I thought she just used special shampoo.



Fill a pony with magic, and their body will



Ezn: explode twice.



use the energy to make itself better until the magic is gone.



Anon13: And suddenly we’re in a Discovery Channel documentary.



And Nyx could feel it working, feel herself getting just a little stronger.



Ezn: Your magicalness has increased. Please find a bed to rest in.



Her jaw was no longer hurting and she was able to bite down harder on the rope. The black filly lifted one of her hooves, revealing the fact that her first spell had transfigured some of the dirt on the ground into



Ezn: a tree.



horseshoes with long spikes,



CTOONfan1: So horsecleats.



the perfect thing to keep Nyx from sliding.



Magic flowing through her and her eyes shut tight in concentration, Nyx took a step back and began to pull, and the rope gave a little.



Ezn: yelp of fright as her ticks crawled all over it.



Not much, but just a little. It was enough to tell Nyx what she was doing was working and all she needed was more magic.



Ezn: “Construct additional magic pylons,” it said.

RLYoshi: She promptly ragequit.

Anon13: WE WISH.



Calling on her horn,



Ezn: “Horn? You there?”



Nyx began pouring as much magic as she could into her little body,



Batman_the_Dino: leaving her big body devoid of magic.



feeling it giving her strength. It also made her mane and tail feel weird, but the filly couldn’t focus on that as she took another few steps.



Anon13: Mary Sue Powers … ACTIVATE!

Crazy56U: Form of: A POORLY WRITTEN CHARACTER!

Vimbert: Shape of: NEEDLESS RECAPS!



The other team offered valiant resistance,



Ezn: Which Nyx promptly accepted, using it to win a quick victory.



and at times made Nyx have to take a step forward again.



Ezn: She did the pony pokey! She did the pony pokey! That’s what I’m talking about!

Vimbert: So, she’s giving them an advantage, since she’d need to step backward in order to drag them. Truly, our Sue is a gracious Sue.



Still, the match had become very one sided,



Ezn: as Spike had just grabbed the other side and added it to his horde.



and soon Nyx’s ears were greeted with four sounds.



SPLASH... SPLASH... SPLASH... SPLASH...



Ezn: The sound guy sobbed into his hat, as some evil villain had stolen the top bits of his exclamation points.

Crazy56U: THE FIEND!

RLYoshi: That's almost as bad as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stealing those cookies!

Drizzel: And that’s terrible.



The moment Nyx heard the fourth splash she



Ezn: chastised the sound guy for forgetting the fifth one, adding to his sorrow.



dropped the rope and released her magic, panting heavily as she stared at the grass.



Ezn: “Mmm... grass. Almost as good as hay fries.”



The magic began to evaporate from the filly,



Svensvenderson: “Where the magic will gather in the atmosphere, completing the magic cycle.”



her body releasing the high concentration of arcane energies that had been poured into it.



Disco: The smell was horrendous.

Crazy56U: Ah. So it smelled like coffee.



Nyx began to feel sore all over, her jaw especially tender, but she was still smiling.



Ezn: “This is just like last night!”

jelfes1: "With Big Macintosh, you know, there's a reason he's called Big Macin---err, never mind!"

Crazy56U: ...where’d Chris Hansen go; I think he’d like to hear this.



She had beat the big kids,



DiStort: How many classes does Cheerilee teach, anyway?



just her, and now everypony would be cheering and happy



CTOONfan1: that the Mary Sue got her way.



and she’d get a first place ribbon just like her friends and...



Ezn: maybe the reader would finally like her!

Drizzel: Pfft-BAHAHAHAHAHA...

RLYoshi: Yeah, not gonna happen.



It was at this moment Nyx noticed how very quiet it was.



Ezn: SOUND GUY!

Anon13: I think we caught him in a coffee break.



Looking up, the black filly was surprised to see everypony that had been watching the match was staring at her,



CTOONfan1: Big surprise.



many with their jaws hanging open.



Ezn: It was for the bonus audience participation fly-catching round.



Nyx even caught sight of Twilight,



Ezn: It sped by as she enacted her secret plan to bring eternal night to Equestria.



the unicorn looking like she was about to faint, her narrow eyes darting about the crowd



Ezn: and stealing everypony’s wallets.



like it could turn into something very dangerous very quickly.



Ezn: And then the crowd became a very scary-looking tree.

Hellioning: Where's Pinkie when you need her?



The silence wasn’t pleasant at all,



Ezn: It’s not The’s fault! She had a hard childhood! Mr and Mrs Silence abused her!



Nyx starting to feel like she had done something wrong.



Svensvenderson: “But she was a Mary Sue, and thus could do no wrong.”

Drizzel: Unless she's an Angst-Sue. in which case GOD HELP US.



The black filly shrunk back a bit, her own eyes moving about the crowd



CTOONfan1: having abandoned her a while ago.



as she tried to find eyes



Ezn: for her evil gypsy magic.



that weren’t looking at her like she was weird.



Svensvenderson: Because the embodiment of an evil force that attempted to cast the entire world into a perpetual night isn’t weird.



And Nyx did find those eyes,



Ezn: and Nyx did subsequently toss them in the cauldron. And Nyx did create a wormhole and travel back in time.

Crazy56U: Well, it's an easier time-travel method than using a DeLorean, that much I can say.



three pairs looking at her with disbelief but slowly building with joy.



Ezn: “Slowly” because joy’s a lousy building material, and their towers kept falling over.



It was her friends, the other Cutie Mark Crusaders slowly coming to terms that their friend



Ezn: was Nightmare Moon.

Crazy56U: It isn't chapter 10 yet, dagnabbit! STOP JUMPING THE GUN!

CTOONfan1: Dude! Spoilers, much?

Crazy56U: Yep! And I give not one fuck! :)

RLYoshi: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, BITCH!

Drizzel: DO I NEED TO GET FLUTTERSHY IN HERE?!



just beat four big colts at a game of tug of war all by herself. And, when that realization hit them,



Ezn: it gave Scootaloo a black eye but nopony cared.

Vimbert: “Remember, kid, you fell down some stairs, alright?” “Yes, Rainbow...”

Crazy56U: Scootabuse... you went there. (facehoof)

RLYoshi: TVTropes says it's a running gag, so we have to keep doing it. Can't argue with the Internet.



the three fillies raced towards Nyx in their excitement.



“That was awesome!”



“You did it! You did it!”



“I don’t think even my big sis could have beat all those colts by herself!”



Ezn: “Oh, I have other methods of dealing with colts, dear Sweetie.”



The cheers and admiration from the Crusaders snapped the crowd



Ezn: in two, right down the middle, killing hundreds.

Vimbert: I’m okay with this.



out of their stupor, and many began to applauded as well, some offering



Anon13: >BANG!<

Crazy56U: Dude, stop shooting the fan-fic; it doesn't deserve it.

RLYoshi: YES IT DOES.

RingmasterJ5: Eh, there’s worse.



very well meant cheers



Ezn: at very affordable prices!



while some were just stomping their hooves on the ground



CTOONfan1: as, you know, they can't clap. No hands.



since it was what was expected.



Ezn: Sheep! They’re sheep, not ponies! Always doing what the Man wants!

Vimbert: So what you’re saying is that Celestia is male now?

Hellioning: It would explain a lot.



Others didn’t applaud at all, whispering to each quietly.



Disco: Wait, were they full whispers or half?

Eclipse: Thirds.

Vimbert: They may have even been the legendary quarter-whispers.

Crazy56U: My guess? They thought the magic BS they saw was fake.



Amongst those who applauded was one pony with brown-gray eyes and a blue, slicked back mane.



CTOONfan1: He wasn't evil or anything.



He applauded with a gentle smile on his lips, eyes focused on the little black filly.



Ezn: I WONDER WHO HE COULD BE WORKING FOR

Vimbert: The sound guy, of course.

Svensvenderson: Where’s the Sound Guy with a ‘DUN DUN DUNNNNN!’ When you need him?

Crazy56U: I thought he was on a coffee break?

Anon13: He is. It’s a union thing.



============



“Man, that was crazy.” Rainbow Dash said as she fluttered in the air, carrying a box in her hooves.



CTOONfan1: Rainbow Dash's hooves are now storage devices.



“I mean, little Nyx beating that whole team of older colts.



Disco: “It’s like one of those Tumblr accounts!”



What are the chances?”



Ezn: Almost 100%, actually.

Svensvenderson: Dash hasn’t figured out Nyx is a Mary Sue either.



“It really was amazing.” Fluttershy replied,



DiStort: Deciding to leave her traumatizing experience as a tree for her therapist to worry about.



the pegasus pony walking along the ground. She too was carrying a box on her back,



Ezn: like a good non-unicorn packmule.



the pair taking some of the leftover prizes and other things into the school house,



Ezn: where they would offer them as a sacrifice to prevent Spike from destroying the town.



helping to clean up from the Learn and Play Day.



CTOONfan1: There would be no more learning or playing until next year.



“To do all that, Nyx has to have as much magic as Twilight.”



“Or more!” Dash added,



Ezn: Twilight hung her head and went to sulk in a corner.



the pegasus pushing open the door and into the darkened school house. Still, before the pegasus could get two feet into the door,



Ezn: She realised that she had hooves, not feet!



she ran into something. The blue pegasus jumped a little, quickly flying backwards



Batman_the_Dino: Wait... so did she jump or fly?

Crazy56U: SHE CREATED A TIME PARADOX!

Drizzel: QUICK! TO THE TARDIS!



as she tried to register what she had run into.



“Pi...



Ezn: “...is approximately 3.14!” Somewhere off to the side, Applejack groaned.



Pinkie Pie?” The pegasus eventually mumbled, she and Fluttershy setting down the boxes they were carrying and moving around in front of the earth pony.



Ezn: “Yo Hayseed.”



Pinkie Pie was standing still as a statue on her hind legs in a fake karate pose with her eyes focused on a point on the far side of the room.



Ezn: Rainbow Dash nodded ever so slightly, letting Pinkie know that her interpretive dance had artistic merit.



“Is... is she even breathing?” Dash asked, noticing how very still Pinkie Pie was standing.



Ezn: “If she’s not, I want her party cannon.”



“Oh no! She’s been Stared!” Fluttershy offered.



Ezn: BILLY MAYS HERE TO SELL YOU SOME OH NO! SHE’S BEEN STARED!

Crazy56U: Billy Mays: Pitchman brony from beyond the grave!

RLYoshi: That right there is proof that bronies will stay bronies even when they die. YOU CANNOT GET RID OF US!



“Stared, what’s Stared?”



“You know The Stare.”



Ezn: The Stare’s such a nice pony.

Vimbert: The Stare used to look in my window and just watch me.



“Oh, yeah.” Rainbow Dash replied. “It’s when you stare an animal or pony down



CTOONfan1: "until you get the evidence out of them."



and it makes them do what you want them to.”



Ezn: JUST LIKE IN S01E17 “Staremaster”.

Disco: Yes, this chapter was in desperate need of a pointless continuity

reference.

Vimbert: We clearly need a wiki link, STAT!

RLYoshi: I'd post one, but Stonewall forgot to bring it.



“Well, not exactly... but, yes.



Ezn: “You’re wrong, but also you’re right.”



Well, sometimes, when I use The Stare and I don’t mean too...



CTOONfan1: She uses the stare and is really nice about it.



well, sometimes I can make



Ezn: extra “o”s appear on the ends of words.



the pony or animal I’m staring at just freeze up.”



Ezn: “And then I get the sudden urge to make an ice pun in an Austrian accent.”



“Wait, so you did this to Pinkie Pie?”



Ezn: “And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you darn kids and your colony of ticks!”



“Oh no, it wasn’t me.” Fluttershy quickly defended.



Ezn: “It was Colonel Mustard in the Billiard Room with the dagger! He used to the dagger to do the Stare! Nyx helped.”



“I haven’t done this to anypony in years.



CTOONfan1: "I HAVE done it to several chickens, a cockatrice, a dragon, and the writers to give me better scenes."



It was only when I first found out I had The Stare that I accidentally did this once in a while, but I’d never do it on purpose to another pony. No, some other pony did this.”



Crazy56U: ...can we please hear more of THAT story? ...please?

Disco: I smell a spinoff!

RLYoshi: It probably smells like trash, considering what it'd be a spinoff of.



“Well, how do we fix it?”



“Well, um... I usually just throw a bit of water on them, but anything that gives the pony a little shock is enough to snap them out of it.”



Svensvenderson: “But not warm water, otherwise they’ll shrink.”

Batman_the_Dino: Unfortunately, Stonewall had forgotten the water.



“Oh, then I know just the thing.” Rainbow Dash said, hovering up near Pinkie Pie’s ear



Crazy56U: Hmm... to make a Rainbow Pie joke, or not to make a Rainbow Pie joke... that is the question.

Hellioning:The answer is "yes".

Anon13: The answer is always yes.

RLYoshi: At least, when it's not magic. snort snort



and beginning to whisper. “Hey Pinkie Pie!



Ezn: “All your friends hate you!”

Crazy56U: Damn it, we don’t want a repeat of “Party of One”!



Twilight just got a letter from Princess Celestia.



CTOONfan1: "You are now more popular than Fluttershy."

Drizzel: LIES!

Crazy56U: (pulls out pitchfork) GET HIM!!!



She wants you to plan the next Grand Galloping Gala so it’ll be, like, 200% more fun.”



Ezn: “And also, like, 20% co-” *is shot*

Crazy56U: (hides gun, turns to you, the reader) You owe me.



Pinkie Pie’s eyes, which had been narrow and transfixed on a spot on the far side of the room, suddenly went wide,



Svensvenderson: Caught the ball, and ran for a touch down!



and in a flash the pink pony was bouncing off the walls and ceiling,



CTOONfan1: It appears she has become Flubber.



giggles filling the air.



Ezn: “Oh Berry Punch,” said Pinkie from the floor.



“Oh, that is so super dupe amazing!



Ezn: “What? Super dupe. It’s gonna be a thing.”

DiStort: Oh, Pinkie. Always the trend setter.

Hellioning: "Hey, kids, wanna try some Super Dupe? First one's free..."



I am going to make it the best party ever! I’ll make it the most amazing incredible tremendous super-fun wonderful terrifically humongous party in all of Equestria!



CTOONfan1: Maybe, but will it be the most splendiferous party ever?



Oh the Grand Galloping Gala will be the greatest party. Oh the Grand Galloping Gala will be the greatest party. Hip hip, Hooray, It will be the best all thanks to me, to Pinkie!”



Crazy56U: When in doubt, reference season one!



“Yeah, Pinkie Pie... I was lying.”



The party pony froze up practically mid-jump, defying gravity for a moment before



Batman_the_Dino: realizing that stopping for a moment is normal at the peak of a jump.



dropping down to the ground. Springing back to her hooves, Pinkie Pie trotted over to Dash, glaring coldly at the pegasus.



Ezn: And tasty rainbow cupcakes were enjoyed by all.

Private Sprinkles: I didn't get one. :(



“That was not an okay prank, Dashie.”



Svensvenderson: “Bitch.”



“Sorry, but it wasn’t meant to be a prank. I needed to say something to snap you out of being Stared.”



“Stared... wait, I was Stared?”



CTOONfan1: Yes, Pinkie. People Stare at you all the time through computer screens.



“You actually know what that is?”



“Oh... um, yes.



Crazy56U: I do too. ...involves weirdos on the bus, right?



When... well, when I first met Pinkie Pie she kind of, well... scared me



CTOONfan1: (sarcastically) No way.



and, I didn’t mean to but... I used The Stare on her and she got Stared.” Fluttershy admitted sheepishly.



Ezn: This is how the Stare works, kids. True story.

Svensvenderson: First a tree, now a sheep? Fluttershy’s a shape shifter!



“It was the last time she ever did it.” Pinkie Pie pointed out. “Unless you count today.”



Ezn: “And she won’t be doing it again...”



“But Pinkie, I wasn’t the one who used The Stare on you.”



DiStort: Can you really call it “The Stare” if Fluttershy isn’t the one using it? I mean, she has it copyrighted and everything, so...

RLYoshi: Has she? I didn't see no TM in the corner!

Batman_the_Dino: No, silly, that would mean it was trademarked!



“You weren’t? But then who...” Pinkie Pie began, only for her eyes to narrow as turned to look at the far end of the room,



CTOONfan1: "The house has eyes."



intending to glare at a pony that was no longer there. “It was HIM!”



RLYoshi: -who-shall-not-be-named.

Ezn: And suddenly this became a Powerpuff Girls crossover.

Vimbert: Please, can’t this fic stick to making a mess of only one show?



“Him who, Pinkie?”



“The Spy!” The party pony seethed



Anon13: Bland. James Bland.

Crazy56U: Wait, Sebastian Starchild is now in this? Man, won't Linkara be thrilled!

Disco: License to bore.

Ezn: Red or Blu?

Hellioning: The scout is a spy!

CTOONfan1: You must've been mistaken for the Black Spy.



as she trotted across the room and pointed to a spot on the floor.



Ezn: “Out, damn spot!”



“I followed him in here and he was standing right here and I had him cornered but then he opened his eyes and they were turquoise instead of the color they were



Crazy56U: And since she's Pinkie Pie, she obviously knew that those eyes weren't that color. I'm not making a joke; I'm just saying.



and then the next thing I remember is you telling me Celestia wants me to plan the next Grand Galloping Gala, which, by the way, is still a very mean prank.” The party loving pony forced out in a single long breath before turning her gaze back on her friends.



Ezn: “Berry Punch, you silly party-lover! We’re not your friends! Go sober up!”



“Look, Pinkie, I said I was sorry.” Dash countered as she flew over by the earth pony.



CTOONfan1: "But let me brag about how I've got wings and you don't."



“But, I guess you weren’t kidding about the spy. I mean, its not like an imaginary pony could have Stared you.”



DiStort: Why not? She’s had stranger things done to her by imaginary creatures.



“But why would anypony be spying on us?” Fluttershy asked as she made her way across the room, choosing to walk between the desks.



Ezn: “We’re not even involved in an interesting story right now!”

CTOONfan1: It's not wrong.



“I don’t know, but I sure as sugar am going to find out... after all the fun afternoon games though. I would hate to miss the seven legged race, or watching the tug of war.”



“Uh, Pinkie Pie, you did miss all that.” Dash admitted.



“WHAT!?”



Ezn: “It’s okay, you mainly just missed Nyx warping reality and turning stuff into trees.”

Anon13: Pinkie: “Nyx warped reality? That’s MY shtick!”



“Yea, you’ve been in here all afternoon. We’re actually cleaning up right now.”



“Oh... oh now I am going to find that spy!



Not just because he was a Spy Spyerton McSpy.



Ezn: but also because he killed my father.

Mastr13: Hello, my name is Pinkie Pie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.



No, now it’s personal. No pony makes Pinkie Pie miss Pin the Tail on the Pony!”



Crazy56U: EVERYONE GET DOWN; PINKIE IS GOIN' TO BUCK SOMEONE UP!

Eclipse: Sorry Crazy, but I'll be going under the table this time.

Disco: In a world where ponies can’t party, one mare will even the odds.

Ezn: Pink vs Spy. Coming Summer 2012.

Private Sprinkles: This time, it's personal.



=====================================================================



Disco: Um, I have Questions, Comments, and Concerns? Hello?

Vimbert: Pen Stroke stopped pretending to care about the readers.



My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.



Crazy56U: Aw, no Gmail link?

RLYoshi: Wanting to spam Pen Stroke's email, are we?

=====================================================================





* * *





Chapter 9

Revealing Truths



DiStort: The horrible truth is... NYX IS A MARY SUE!

RingmasterJ5: He said “horrible”, not “obvious”.

Anon13: The real horrible truth is that we’re still reading this.

RingmasterJ5: What’s worse: This is only the SECOND MST fic. There’s going to be many more...

CTOONfan1: That just means more trashing to be done. No problems.

Disco: GASP!

DiStort: FORESHADOWING.

Crazy56U: DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

Isphone: SORRY! I’M SORRY!

Vimbert: Ugh. Just kill me now.

Drizzel: … … OK. (shoots you)

RLYoshi: Got another bullet in there? If so, take aim at my head and pull the trigger, please.

Drizzel: (aims gun)

Drizzel: (gun clicks)

Drizzel: Buck! sorry.



===================



Twilight walked back to the library with Nyx as the sun began to set near the western horizon. Rainbow Dash and a few others were staying to cleanup the Learn and Play Day.



Ezn: There was so much blood. And tree sap.



It was a moment the unicorn was thankful she hadn’t volunteered to help



DiStort: Because menial work like that is better left to non-unicorns.



, since staying around the school at that point was the last thing she wanted to do.



Ezn: All the nubile schoolfillies had left, you see.

Hellioning: Crap! Spell Nexus got to Twilight!



Nyx was happy as she could be, bouncing along with her first place ribbon



CTOONfan1: She didn't get a trophy? That's no way to treat your Mary Sue.

RLYoshi: Do you really want to treat her like a proper Mary Sue?



from the tug-of-war competition, wearing her Cutie Mark Crusader cape and a kazoo in her mouth,



DiStort: Oh, good. Let’s make Nyx MORE annoying.

Disco: Huh, I didn’t think that was possible. Thank you, Pen Stroke.

Crazy56U: (proceeds to jam cotton balls in his ears)

Hellioning: At least it's not a vuvuzela.

Vimbert: HE’LL HEAR YOU, YOU FOOL!



her chosen prize from the prize box. The little filly was content to play the kazoo in a triumphant fan fare



Svensvenderson: Truly, the kazoo is the noblest of instruments.

Drizzel: Right up there with the cow bell.

Tavish Dougherty: We need more of it.



that only she knew the notes to,



Anon13: A lovely little piece entitled “You’re All Gonna Die Soon”.

Wild Trotter: Or "Nobody Told Me About Equestria".



a sight that made Twilight smile a little.



Wild Trotter: Secretly, her ears were bleeding a little.



Twilight was happy that Nyx had a good day, and that it had ended well.



Disco: That was a good ending?!

Ezn: I’mma reload from the last save and try again.

Hellioning: Would you like your possessions identified?

Svensvenderson: You probably need to use New Game Plus to get the best ending.

Anon13: Either that or shell out the cash for the strategy guide.

RLYoshi: Personally, I'd just say "screw it" and go watch a let's play on YouTube.



The silence from the crowd



CTOONfan1: Was bliss compared to this noise.



after the last round of tug-of-war had been deafening.



Ezn: SOUND GUY!

Drizzel: Earl! you've been sleeping on the job again?!



Had it not been broken by Nyx’s friends, Twilight could only imagine how bad the filly would have felt,



Ezn: Twilight cackled in glee at her musings.



wondering if she had done something wrong. But thankfully Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo had ran up to her and cheered her on, making the black filly very happy.



Ezn: It helped that Scootaloo was wearing a KFC bucket on her head.

Hellioning: Nyx, however, was jealous of the unnamed black filly's enjoyment.



Yet, it was only a small drop of happiness in a sea of a very bad situation.



Wild Trotter: With an island of common sense isolated from the rest of the landmass that is her brain.

RLYoshi: And the boat she was on kind of lost its compass, if you know what I mean.



While Nyx was unaware of what had happened, Twilight had been in the crowd watching when she began to use her magic to try and win that last round of tug of war. She was using her magic, a lot of it... and that was when it began to happen.



Disco: Yes, please remind the readers of what happened a few paragraphs ago.

Vimbert: Wait, who’s Twilight again? WIKI LINK PLZ



Nyx’s mane at first just seemed to start shimmering, something that may have just been contributed to a trick of the the light.



Ezn: Twilight promptly contributed Nyx’s shimmering to a trick of the light, beating Notch’s donation by a hair.



But as the little filly began to use more and more magic her mane and tail began to change more, her hair reflecting the arcane energy that the filly was using.



RLYoshi: Nyx's hair is now a mirror. IT IS CANON.



Her hair began to get lighter, and then actually began to float and wave in the air,



DiStort: In other words, she went super saiyan.

Crazy56U: Just like Hitler! :D

Hellioning: She can't have gone super saiyan, it only took a couple of paragraphs!

Disco: She finally ascended to a new level of Mary Suedom.



as if Nyx was floating deep underwater instead of standing on solid ground in a tug of war grudge match. The shimmering of the hair also began to get more noticeable, starting to focus into a few dots.



It was one of the worst things Twilight could imagine happening.



Disco: But not as bad as being tardy.

RLYoshi: Twilight: "Of all the worst things that could happen, this is THE! WORST! POSSIBLE-"

Rarity: "You finish that statement and I'm suing."

Crazy56U: (sigh) Another lawsuit for the pile...

RLYoshi: Eh, when you've got a username like mine, you get used to them.



Nyx’s mane and tail had been changing into the night blue mane and tail that Nightmare Moon was known for, infamous for...



Anon13: She tried to cover Equestria in eternal night, and she’s infamous for her mane and tail? What, did they clash with the drapes that badly?

RLYoshi: Equestria really liked her mane.

Vimbert: And Rarity was never put in charge of Equestria’s police force again.



and the change had started to happen right there with everypony at the Learn and Play Day watching.



Ezn: “I knew I shouldn’t have tried that new shampoo brand!”



By some small miracle Nyx’s hair didn’t completely change. It reached a point very close to changing completely but it didn’t finish the transition.



Hellioning: Did I mention that it didn't completely change? Because it didn't completely change. Did you know that?



If anything, it more closely resembled Celestia’s mane, which was still made of hair even though the follicles were in a rainbow of pastel colors and moved constantly.



DiStort: Celestia’s hair didn’t actually move on its own, she just always had a little fan running offscreen.



Nightmare Moon’s mane and tail, in contrast, were clouds of magical energy, which was why she was able to use and manipulate them like they were extra appendages.



Svensvenderson: Now that we’ve thoroughly covered Celestia and Nightmare Moon’s mane and tails, any other pony we want to talk about?

Crazy56U: I’m all for talking about Derpy.

RLYoshi: EVERYONE is all for talking about Derpy.

Wild Trotter: What about Sapphire Shores... or Photo Finish, even?



And it all brought several unwanted thoughts back to the forefront of Twilight’s mind.



Disco: They involved things like logic and common sense.

Ezn: Twilight thought about how she really didn’t like her mane.



For the first time since that evening Nyx called her mom, Twilight was starting to doubt herself. Could Nyx really be Nightmare Moon?



DiStort: Oh for.... How many times has she asked herself this, now?

Crazy56U: I'd answer, but that would involve the "OVER 9000" meme. And I'm above that, dagnabbit!

Anon13: Anyone who tried the Nightmare Moon Drinking Game has probably dissolved by now.

Disco: I’m still goin’...*falls under the table*

Crazy56U: OK, considering how many times it was said, either you are immune to alcohol poisoning, or God loves you.

Wild Trotter: The latter part, maybe a little too much.

RLYoshi: I haven't mentioned it, but I've been doing a variation where I slam my head into the keyboard every time it's said, since I'm not of legal drinking age. I'm currently writing this from the hospital after being admitted for massive brain damage and concussions.



The unicorn had always argued that Nyx just looked like the infamous Mare in the Moon, but... with those memories coming back and Nyx’s unbelievable level of magic... was it possible she really was Nightmare Moon?



Hellioning: Copypasta; making your stories that much easier to type.



Another part of Twilight’s mind snapped at this, cracking a mental whip



Svensvenderson: Whips always made Twilight smile.

Vimbert: As Spike was well-aware.



like some wild animal tamer trying to drive a beast back into its cage. No, Nyx was not Nightmare Moon!



DiStort: But on the other hoof, what if she was?



The filly was too sweet, too well behaved.



Disco: It’s like she’s somehow ridiculously perfect in every way!



She had friends and was happy. While Nightmare Moon laughed at times, it was because she believed she had won.



Crazy56U: Either that, or she remembered a really good Jeff Dunham joke. ...nah, who am I kidding, I making crud up.

Vimbert: Or because she’s cleverly manipulated a herd of main characters into following her will.



A maddening laughter that was not born of true happiness.



CTOONfan1: It was born of happiness that lies on occasion.



But Twilight was starting to wonder if she’d have to deal with the fact that Nyx had the fallen princess’ power.



Wild Trotter: But not her sex appeal to the ponies. Well, not yet, anyway.



And... possibly even her immortality. That the filly she was taking care of, was raising...



Crazy56U: To quote the Nostalgia Critic: STOP! USING! ELLIPSES!



would possibly be alive for thousands of years after she had gone, with the power to do things like move the sun and moon.



CTOONfan1: Yet she will never move her readers.



Was she really up to that kind of responsibility, to shape the life of a filly that could live for the rest of time?



DiStort: Wait, didn’t we have literally THIS line of thought just last chapter?

Anon13: Goldfish rule, DiStort. Last chapter was SO long ago.

Disco: Can I get a wiki link? I’m so confused.



“Twilight, are you okay?” Nyx asked, breaking the unicorn’s train of thought.



Ezn: “Damnit Nyx, that was a one-of-a-kind model train!”



The little black filly had taken notice of how quiet Twilight had been and had ended her happy kazoo playing



Disco: Much the relief of everyone around her.



to look up at her unofficial mother.



“Yes, I’m fine.” Twilight lied, putting on a smile as she and Nyx neared the library. “Just tired, that’s all; we’ve had a busy day. Now, why don’t you run in and show Spike your ribbon? I’m just going to stay outside for a little while longer.”



Anon13: You want lots of space and minimal fragile stuff around for your truly epic nervous breakdowns.



Nyx nodded, replacing the kazoo in her mouth and blowing on it loudly as she ran inside, scaring one particular dragon quite well.



Disco: The resulting kazoo phobia haunted him for the rest of his life.

Svensvenderson: Because an alicorn with a kazoo is the epitome of stealth.



Twilight smiled at this sight, a smile that faded quickly as the truth of the situation weighed down on her.



Disco: This is heavy, Doc!

Crazy56U: Great Scott!



============================



“Dear, you really should drink your tea before it gets cold.” Rarity lectured before taking a sip from her own cup. She looked across the table at her desk, though she might as well have been having a conversation with a statue.



CTOONfan1: Maybe she was. (dramatic music plays)

Drizzel: Weeping pegasus man



Twilight hadn’t hardly said a word since her arrival, choosing to instead just stare at her cup of tea like it held all the answers in the world.



DiStort: It probably did. I heard some detective ID’d a guy on a case once because he saw his initials in his morning cup of coffee.

Disco: The Coffee Whisperer is truly the hero of our times.



“Twilight... Twilight!” Rarity snapped



Vimbert: Nyx’s neck as revenge for Twilight not listening to her. THE END

RLYoshi: That's not revenge. That's mercy.



, bringing the purple unicorn out of her thoughts.



“What... oh, sorry Rarity. I... I was just thinking about something.”



Disco: “How can I escape from this story?”

Crazy56U: Please, at this rate, resistance is futile. ...wait, ESCAPE! I MEANT ESCAPE!

Wild Trotter: Take me with you!



“That’s all you’ve been doing since you got here, Twilight.



Ezn: “It’s all you ever do! There’s no passion! No feeling!”

Disco: Your dialogue is empty! Empty like your soul!



All you’ve said to me is that you wanted to talk,



CTOONfan1: "I didn't know you meant to yourself."



but you haven’t said a single word since then. What is wrong?”



Anon13: How long a list would you like?

Hellioning: An easier question to answer would be: "What is right?"

Vimbert: Give me a sign... WHAT IS LOVE? Baby don’t hurt me... Don’t hurt me...



Twilight sighed, lifting the cup of tea magically as she drank it all down in a single gulp,



CTOONfan1: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!



something that made Rarity squirm since it wasn’t at all the manners of a proper mare.



Vimbert: Luckily, Twilight had enchanted her throat to be fire resistant after the first time she had to give CPR to Spike.



“I’m sorry Rarity, I’m just worried about Nyx.”



Ezn: “She’s proving very difficult to kill.”

Vimbert: WHY WON’T SHE DIE?



“What for Dear? Don’t tell me she’s gone missing again.”



Crazy56U: ...well, that was... nonchalant. It's as if you WANTED Nyx to go missing... herm...

Disco: She just implied what everyone was thinking.

Hellioning: "What for Dear" sounds it look should be the name of an indie band.



“No, she’s at school.”



“Then why are you worried?”



DiStort: “Because she’s at school. I’m worried she might corrupt more children.”



Rarity asked as she refilled Twilight’s cup of tea,



Svensvenderson: So what kind of tea is Twilight’s cup of tea?



silently hoping the purple unicorn would drink it properly this time.



Ezn: Much to Rarity’s delight, Sparkler jumped in through the window and sipped Twilight’s tea beautifully.



“Rarity, every pony in Ponyville has heard what happened at the Learn and Play Day.



CTOONfan1: "So much learning and playing. It was terrifying!"



They all know Nyx turned Fluttershy into a tree



DiStort: One more reminder for good measure.



and how she won the tug of war tournament by herself with her magic. They all also saw her mane and tail start to turn



Ezn: “FABULOUS!”



magical... start to resemble what Nightmare Moon’s mane and tail used to look like. I worried that I won’t be able to keep



Ezn: “my tenses consistent.”



her safe much longer.



Svensvenderson: Let’s see, you’ve already lost her once, and had Nyx reveal her identity how many times? How ‘safe’ has she been so far?



That every pony in town will realize how strongly she resembles Nightmare Moon, that Celestia will swoop down from the palace...



Wild Trotter: "And likely take her to her bedchambers."



that they’ll take her away from me.



Disco: They’ll never get...my precious!

Wild Trotter: My precious. My precious! My precious!! MY PRECIOUS!!! AHAAA... (falls over)

Crazy56U: Easy there, Gollum.



“I... I’m wondering if I shouldn’t just lock Nyx up in the



Vimbert: Dungeon of Love



library and hide her away, at least until things calm down.”



Disco: No, for the rest of her life. Please!



“Twilight...” Rarity began, speaking softly. “Locking Nyx up is the last thing you should do.



Crazy56U: Speaking for everyone riffing this, that's a load of crock.

Disco: “You need to do far, far worse.”

RLYoshi: According to this checklist, you should take away her kazoo, yell at her, beat her into submission, THEN lock her up.

Drizzel: In the place you banish her to, of course.

Crazy56U: ...Alex, I’ll take “Too Far” for a thousand, please. Oh look, the Daily Double!



That would be no better than Celestia banishing her to the moon.



Vimbert: We still wouldn’t know if Nyx likes bananas!



She’d be separated from her friends, from doing the things she loves like going to school, and it would break her heart having you go from the pony she loves to the pony that’s keeping her unfairly imprisoned in the library.”



DiStort: So... what’s the problem?

Anon13: Upset Sues are like whiny WMDs.

DiStort: Ah. Point taken. Give the baby its bottle, Twilight.



“But Rarity... I’m just so worried-”



Anon13: Us readers are past worried and well into apoplectic by now.



“And that’s perfectly normal. Heavens knows I



Vimbert: can’t make a subject and a verb agree to save my life



worry about Sweetie Belle every time she goes off with her friends to do her Crusading.



Vimbert: So is “Crusading” some kind of euphemism, or...?



Those three fillies have gotten into more danger then I ever did growing up... and I’m always afraid that somepony will come running into my shop telling me Sweetie Belle got hurt... or worse.



Disco: Her binding could come loose.



“But I can’t let my concerns keep Sweetie Belle from enjoying her childhood. She should be out there with her friends, having fun and even getting into trouble...



CTOONfan1: If you love something, let it potentially harm themselves or people around them.



not too much trouble mind you, but some.”



Svensvenderson: "Not too much, not too little. Just the right amount."



“Sweetie Belle is just a normal little unicorn, Rarity. Nyx is...”



Disco: An abomination?

Svensvenderson: A Mary Sue?

Anon13: Same thing, really.

Crazy56U: Polish?

Isphone: HEADCRAB ZOMBIE?

RLYoshi: YOUR FATHER?

Crazy56U: Nyx has been spending too much time with Proper Etiquette, me thinks.



“Nyx is just as normal.” Rarity retorted. “Yes, she is an alicorn, and yes she



Ezn: “is the reincarnation of Nightmare Moon”



has magical power that you and I could only dream off. But, she is still just a normal little filly.



Disco: Uh, that kinda negates the whole “normal” thing, Rarity.



She goes to school, she has friends, she gets teased by bullies,



Svensvenderson: Right, because getting teased by bullies always ends well.



and when she scared or when she is in trouble she has somepony that cares about her to come to her rescue...



CTOONfan1: Pen Stroke.



a certain purple unicorn who is quite the maven at magic herself.”



Ezn: “Wrong! That useless babysitter can’t even open a peanut butter jar!”

Hellioning: This guy either plays League of Legends or is reading from a thesaurus cause that is the second time I ever saw that word.

Anon13: If it's the latter, the book's missing the section on 'offered'.

Isphone: My personal thesaurus doesn't have offered. It only has offer. I will be shooting the thesaurus at dawn.



Twilight smiled a little.



Ezn: What with the recession and all.



“I... I guess you’re right Rarity.”



“Trust me Twilight; it’s a good thing you are worried about her,



CTOONfan1: "Because the readers are too busy worrying about their sanity."

RLYoshi: Can you blame us?



never think otherwise. But don’t ever let your worry make you do things that wouldn’t be in Nyx’s best interest.



Ezn: “She is the only reason any of us exist, after all!”



Yes, there is a risk of the truth being discovered when she is out and about Ponyville... but that’s only a risk.



Ezn: “I can get you an insurance quote on it if you like.”



You try to hide her away in the library, and I guarantee the only thing you’ll really accomplish is making Nyx hate you.”



Ezn: “And that’s why it’s such a good idea!”



“How do you know all this Rarity?”



Disco: She’s read Jane Eyre dozens of times.



“Learning from experience.” Rarity offered softly, now staring into her own cup of tea.



Ezn: “In my youth, I was also the caretaker to demonic hellspawn.”



“After all, I’ve been taking care of Sweetie Belle all by myself for the past several years now. After... well... after what happened to our parents.”



CTOONfan1: I'd like to take a moment to thank the actual show for making Pen Stroke wrong.

Ezn: “They passed away in a tragic breakfast accident.”

DiStort: What’s Rarity got to be depressed about? Her dad looks like the pony version of Magnum P.I.. That’s pretty awesome.

Anon13: Yeah, but … he wears Hawaiian shirts.

DiStort: Don’t you mean HAYwaiian shirts?

RLYoshi: BA-DUM TISH.



“You want to talk about it?”



Ezn: “Not until Season Two gives me something to work with.”



“Maybe another time Twilight.” The white unicorn replied. “I tend to get misty eyed when I think about it too much



Disco: Just like everything else.

Vimbert: People thinking about something too much? In this story?

RLYoshi: Now I've seen everything.



and I’ve got ponies coming into get fitted for some dresses in an hour so I need to look presentable. Still... another time for sure.”



DiStort: One day, they’re gonna sit down and watch the entire series run of Magnum P.I..



“Of course Rarity.” Twilight offered with a



Vimbert: Dinner mint.



smile.



“Now, in light of all this, I do hope you’re going to let Nyx go to the Cutie Mark Crusader sleep over Apple Bloom is having at Sweet Apple Acres. I can only imagine that Nyx is just as excited about it as Sweetie Belle is.



“Probably more excited considering it’s her first sleep over. And... yes, I think I will let her go.”



Ezn: “I’ll make sure to quiz her on the contents of my numerous sleepover guidebooks before she leaves.”



“That’s good. Not only will it make Nyx happy but seeing her going out with her friends will help dispel any thoughts ponies around town have that what happened at the Learn and Play Day was out of the ordinary.”



Ezn: “Everypony will be watching the sleepover.”

RLYoshi: CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS STALKER VICTIMS, YAY!



“Yeah, and, if our friends are any indication, they all just think Nyx is really good at magic, like me.



DiStort: But, considering we’re in a fanfic, that would mean she’s all the more likely to BOTCH magic, like you.



So... for the moment I can just say that strong magic runs in our family and most ponies seem to believe that.



CTOONfan1: The others just needed some... “convincing.”



After all, I turned my parents into potted plants



Crazy56U: “and they were scared of me ever since. ...so I got that going for me.”



and made Spike grow to a full grown dragon when I was taking my entry exam for Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, and I was still just a filly myself back then too.”



Disco: Yes! More needless continuity nods! Bring ‘em on!

Vimbert: Needless? No way! This one totally reinforces... um. *runs away*



“You mean the day you got your Cutie Mark? Yes, I heard it was quite the impressive display, at least from what Sweetie Belle told of the story.”



“Yea, it was pretty crazy.”



“Mind sharing?”



Disco: I don’t think you want to get anywhere near Twilight’s mind.



Twilight shook her head, taking a sip of her tea before going into the story, though she’d try to keep herself from jumping around endlessly saying “Yes!” as she had done with the Crusaders.



Crazy56U: It's a good thing she did, otherwise she would've lost Rarity's respect for her. And that's terrible.

RLYoshi: Because by this point Rarity has LOADS of respect for her.



============================



“Well, I don’t think our Cutie Marks have anything to do with bein’ rodeo ponies.”



DiStort: G’night, everypony!



Apple Bloom offered dejectedly as she pushed open the door to her bedroom. Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Nyx were all following close behind, their sleeping bags already rolled out on the floor in the yellow farm filly’s bedroom.



“Though, it was kind of fun seeing Big Macintosh tied up like that.” Scootaloo offered with a chuckle.



Ezn: It was a buy one, get a free chuckle sorta deal.



“He didn’t even know what hit him.”



Disco: Oh no, it’s turned into one of those fics!

DiStort: I SAID G’NIGHT.



“Tell that to my sister.” Apple Bloom replied as she jumped onto her bed. “Because if she had found it funny we wouldn’t have been sent to bed already.”



“Still, I’m pretty tired.” Sweetie Belle admitted, lying down on her sleeping bag.



“Aw, don’t tell me you want to go to sleep already?” Scootaloo whined.



CTOONfan1: "We all know sleeping doesn't happen at a sleepover. Duh!"



“Sure, we had to go to bed but there is still a lot of fun things we could do.”



Ezn: Oh my!



“Like what?”



Ezn: Please don’t turn into a clopfic!



“We could tell... ghost stories!”



Crazy56U: Oh, goody! I have a great one concerning film-makers in the Black Hills!



The orange pegasus replied, grabbing a flashlight and holding it under her face, using it to create a spooky face.



Ezn: “We’ll start with the one about when I created a spooky face with a flashlight and used it to build a Frankenpony.”

Anon13: Or the time the four of us were filler in a mediocre fanfic!



“No offense, Scootaloo, but your scary stories aren’t that scary.” Apple Bloom commented.



Ezn: “The stuff about what your mom used to do to you before she left is pretty funny, though.”



“Okay, then what do you think we should do?”



CTOONfan1: Read a different story, instead?



“We could play a board game?”



DiStort: Aw no, if this turns into a game of Mario Party, I quit.

Crazy56U: ESPECIALLY if it's Mario Party 1. The control stick spinning mini-games in that tore my hand apart.

RLYoshi: Then sue them for some gloves. Duh.

Crazy56U: (sobs) B-but they don't make them anymore...



“No.” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo said in unison.



Crazy56U: They speak for the audience.



“Well shoot...



Svensvenderson: BANG!

Vimbert: Idiot! You’re firing blanks! C’mon, shoot those annoying fillies like you MEAN IT!

Crazy56U: And that’s why you aren’t around fillies anymore.



what are we goin’ to do then?”



Ezn: Please don’t turn into a clopfic!



“Well, Twilight did give me a book she said really helped with her first slumber party... which is kind of what this is.”



Ezn: Twilight had forgotten to drill her on the important distinctions between a sleepover and a slumber party.



Nyx offered, horn glowing as she levitated a book from her saddle bags, which were stacked with the rest by the bedroom door.



Hellioning: Even at explaining what to do at slumber parties, Nyx has to beat everypony else.



“Are slumber parties the same as sleep overs?”



Crazy56U: Speaking as someone who never went to either, I can safely say no, they aren't the same.



Sweetie Belle asked as Nyx cracked open the book.



Ezn: The lecture lasted for hours.



“Well, you spend the night with friends. So, I guess they’re the same. Still, I don’t want to do any sort of makeup stuff.” Scootaloo said, scrunching up her nose at the thought.



RLYoshi: "That kind of stuff is for girls! ...wait..."



“Well, we could have a pillow fight.” Nyx offered



Vimbert: with a dinner roll.



, looking up from the book.



Ezn: “This phrase came free with the book! Anyone want it?”



“We only got four pillows and my bedroom is too small.” Apple Bloom countered.



Ezn: Horizontal Surface beamed with pride, wiping a solitary tear from his eye.



“We could make s-mores.”



“We don’t have marshmallows... or chocolate... or gram-crackers... or even a fire to roast the marshmallows on.” Sweetie Belle pointed out.



Ezn: The other three narrowed their eyes at Sweetie, taking note of her white coat.



“Well... Ghost Stories are in here too, but I think we’ve already decided not to do that...



RLYoshi: But I've got this great story about a rainbow factory!

Crazy56U: So... does that mean I have to put away my copy of “Pattycakes”?



um, what about Truth or Dare?”



CTOONfan1: How's this for an answer: I dare you to be less important.



“That could be fun.” Scootaloo offered. “Let’s give it a try.”



“How do you play?”



Nyx held a hoof on the page in the book, quickly reading it over before speaking. “Okay, rules are simple. Somepony starts by asking if another pony wants to tell the truth or take a dare. If the pony chooses truth, they have to answer one question truthfully. If they take the dare, they have to do whatever dare the first pony gives them. Once the question is answered or the dare is complete. Then, the next pony in the circle takes their turn. Play continues for as long as desired.”



Crazy56U: Amazing. One paragraph spent on the rules for bucking "Truth or Dare". I thought Pen Stroke learned his lesson after spending 2/3rds of a paragraph describing a yo-yo trick back in Chapter 7!

Disco: Wonders never cease.

Vimbert: I dunno, man. Somepony might not know what “Truth or Dare” is. I think we need a wiki link.

Crazy56U: OK, even you’re questioning the intelligence of the audience? (to the sky, shakes fist) DAMN YOU, PEN STROKE! YOU HAVE CORRUPTED ONE OF US!



“That sounds kind of boring actually. I mean, the truth part sounds all right but the dares, what could we dare each other to do?”



Ezn: And then this did become a clopfic.



“Oh, I know!” Apple Bloom perked up. “Let’s make Truth and Challenges. If you don’t want to answer a question then you have to complete a challenge. If you can’t, then you have to answer a question.”



Hellioning: So... um, what's the difference?

Crazy56U: The difference is shut up.



“Oh, that sounds way better.”



Disco: It’s just like Double Dare, but without the slime!

Svensvenderson: But where’s the fun in that?

Crazy56U: Exactly.



Sweetie Belle agreed. “Let’s do it.”



RLYoshi: LEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOY JEEENKIIINS!

Crazy56U: Oh my god, they went in.



Nyx nodded, putting the sleep over guide book back into her bags. “So, who wants to go first?”



“Oh, me! Me!” Scootaloo offered, putting a hoof in the air. She then turned her attention on Apple Bloom. “Truth or Challenege?”



Ezn: Scootaloo, weren’t you listening? We’re not doing challeneges here!



“Um... I’ll go with the Challenege.”



Ezn: “Whatever that is.”



“I challenge you to stand on your head for ten seconds.”



Ezn: “I can do that in ten seconds fl-” *is shot*

Crazy56U: (turns to the reader) What? ...It wasn’t me this time, swear to Luna!

RLYoshi: (turns to reader) He's telling the truth. (cocks gun) It was me. (shoots Crazy56U)

Crazy56U: (dodges bullet) … ...dude, what the hell?!



“Ha, is that all?” Apple Bloom replied confidently. Within moments the yellow filly was balancing on her head, legs waving around as her friends



Svensvenderson: And Nyx.



counted down.



“10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0!”



Ezn: I like this elevator music, how about you guys?

Crazy56U: … (backs up) ...what kind of elevators have you been on?!



Apple Bloom got back on her hooves, smiling but then wavering a little big, having to shake her head. “Whoa, that makes my head all swimmy.”



DiStort: “This must be what Pinkie Pie feels like when she sniffs that funny sugar.”



“Really, let me try?” Sweetie Belle chirped,



Ezn: Sweetie Belle was desperate for approval, even from Nyx.

Anon13: You do realize befriending the Mary Sue is Fanfic Survival 101, right?

Wild Trotter: Either that, or avoiding any screentime in the fanfic altogether if said Sue is beyond intolerable.

Vimbert: So what you’re saying is that everypony’s doomed.



the unicorn quickly flipping onto her head. Soon, all four Cutie Mark Crusaders were on their heads, laughing and giggling as the blood rushed from their legs into their skulls.



Disco: All four were rushed to the hospital soon after.

Vimbert: And they were never seen again...



====================



“Okay, Nyx... Truth or Challenge?” Apple Bloom offered about an hour later.



Ezn: The special had ended, so Nyx had to pay full price.



The game had turned into a perfect way to spend the last bit of the sleep over.



Disco: They had wasted the rest on pointless dialogue.



The four friends had done a lot of strange and silly challenges, from holding their breath to having hoof wrestling contests.



Ezn: Plenty of other things as well...



Nothing that would be considered a proper dare but plenty of very fun challenges.



The black filly stuck out her tongue, turquoise



RLYoshi: WILL IT NEVER STOP.



eyes focusing on Apple Bloom as the black filly tried to decide which thing she would do.



“Truth.”



“Tell us something you’ve never told any other pony.”



Drizzel: "I'm actually a Mary Sue."

Drizzel: CMC: (gasp in horror)



“Like what?” Nyx asked, caught a little off guard by the very general nature of the question.



“Anything.”



Ezn: “Hi, my name’s Nightmare Moon.” “Hi Nightmare Moon!” “...and I’m here to bring about eternal night.”



“Yea, just make it something cool.” Scootaloo added.



Ezn: “Tell us about the time you snuck into Rainbow Dash’s house to watch her sleep. Everypony does that, right?”



“Well... I can’t really think of anything to tell you... but...” Nyx fell silent at this, glancing back at her vest. “There... there is something I can show you.”



Crazy56U: Hmm... I can't tell, but I think things got 20% more uncomfortable.

Vimbert: Damn it, that’s not what “show don’t tell” means!



“Really, what is it?” Sweetie Belle asked.



“I think it’s better if you just see it but... you got to promise not to tell any other pony.



Crazy56U: 40%...



Twilight knows, but she told me I couldn’t show what I’m about to show you to anypony.”



Ezn: When you see it...



“Oh man, this has to be good if Twilight told you to keep it a secret.” Scootaloo offered.



CTOONfan1: Everyone in this town is really freaking generous, offering things this way and that.

Ezn: If I had a bit for everytime ponies offered something in this story, I’d be able to buy it all.



“But yea, we promise not to tell nopony.”



Ezn: “We’ll just tell Zecora and Spike, and then they can do the hard work spreading the gossip around.”



Nyx turned to look at Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, the two other fillies also offering their promise. Still, Nyx wasn’t done.



Ezn: She needed to know if their promises came with warranties.



“And... you have to promise we’ll still be friends after I show you.”



Crazy56U: 56%...



“Well, that’s a silly thing to promise.”



Ezn: “We were never your friends in the first place!”



“Yea, we’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders. We’re going to be best friends for life.”



“No matter what.”



Hellioning: "Unless you turn out to be the reincarnation of a tyrant. Then it's off."



Nyx smiled, looking at her three friends.



Ezn: “I love you, Mr Turnip, Rocky and Sir Lintsalot.”



Decision made, the black filly got up from her sleeping bag and walked across the room into Apple Bloom’s closet. The black filly shut the door, and for a moment there was only the sound of rustling from behind the door.



RLYoshi: Crazy56U isn't around to say it, so... 70%...

Crazy56U: ...I’M SITTING RIGHT HERE, MAN.



Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all craned their necks, watching anxiously until the door opened.



Ezn: “I’m gay!”

Disco: First the broken wings, now this? Forget Nightmare Moon. She’s Rainbow Dash!



Nyx kept her eyes shut as she walked out, carrying her glasses and her vest in her teeth.



Ezn: It’s times like this that I’m glad this is a pony story.



Once she was a few steps out of the closet



CTOONfan1: They all screamed, "HOLY CRAP! SHE'S A COLT!"



the black filly spread her wings out,



Ezn: *POMF*



stretching the feathered appendages for a few moments before finally opening her eyes, the dragon shaped pupils



Ezn: The Filly With the Dragon Pupils



no longer disguised and hidden from the world.



Ezn: Just hidden from the world.



Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom all stared with their eyes wide and their jaws hanging open.



Ezn: “Bet I can catch more flies than you!”



Nyx could only offer a weak smile,



Ezn: which was immediately returned for a full refund.



taking a moment to set down her vest and glasses.



Ezn: “I set down my vest and wizard glasses.”



The silence in the room was a bit unnerving, Nyx wanting her friends to say something, anything.



DiStort: How about: “You have ten seconds. Start running.”



She was just beginning to wonder if she had made a huge mistake about revealing the truth when her three friends zipped up beside her, inspecting her long hidden



Ezn: I’m a terrible person.



wings.



“Why didn’t you tell us sooner you had wings?” Apple Bloom asked.



“Well, Twilight said that if ponies knew I had both a horn and wings some would get jealous.”



Ezn: “Especially the filthy earth ponies.”



“Oh yeah; you could so make Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon jealous.” Sweetie Belle admitted,



Anon13: Hey, Pen’s using other verbs...



offering



Anon13: D’OH!

RLYoshi: Way to tempt fate.

Disco: I knew it was too good to be true.



the thought like it would be something amazingly fun to do.



“But you girls aren’t jealous, are you?”



“Naw, why would we be jealous? It’s just part of who you are. It be as silly as me being jealous of how well Sweetie Belle sings.”



Crazy56U: ...um, who's talking?

Anon13: If it's not Nyx, does it matter?



“Or me being jealous of how well Scootaloo rides her scooter.”



Disco: Or how she tastes like chicken.

Crazy56U: Wait, why would [insert name of character talking here] know what Scootaloo tastes like?

Vimbert: *raises hoof* No, too easy.



“Or me being jealous of how good Apple Bloom is at fixing up things like our clubhouse.”



“Yea, it’s like my big sister Applejack says: ‘There ain’t no point in bein’ jealous, because it doesn’t change how things are’.”



“Still, why do you have wings and a horn? The only ponies I know that have both are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.” Sweetie Belle offered.



Ezn: “I’m more special than you, that’s why.”



“Well, isn’t it obvious?” Apple Bloom asked, looking at her friends who only answered her with silent, blank stares. “Well... okay, maybe not so obvious.”



“Just spit it out Apple Bloom.”



“I bet that one of Nyx’s parents is a unicorn and the other is a pegasus.”



“Is it really that simple? I mean, doesn’t somepony in our class have a mom that’s a unicorn and a dad that’s a pegasus?”



DiStort: Well, if the fanon is to be believed, then Dinky Doo has a mom that’s a Pegasus and a dad who may not even be from this dimensional plane.

Crazy56U: And who may or may not be in his "fezzes are cool" mindset yet.



“Maybe it doesn’t happen all the time. I mean, isn’t there also a pony in our class who has a pair of unicorns as parents but doesn’t have a horn of her own?”



Ezn: One of nature’s little jokes.

Vimbert: The filthy earth pony genes prove surprisingly difficult to weed out.



“Yea, I think you’re right.” Apple Bloom agreed. “It must only happen some of the time. Still, it’s pretty cool.”



“Yea it is.” Scootaloo cheered. “Almost as cool as her eyes.”



“Whoa, I didn’t even notice her eyes. I was too busy looking at her wings.”



Disco: What’s wrong with your faaaaace?



“Nyx, isn’t that what your eyes looked like during the Spring Festival play?”



The black filly could only nod. “Yes. You see, Twilight put a charm on my glasses so my eyes look like everypony else’s eyes when I’m wearing them. I don’t even really need them, I can see just fine.”



“Twilight sure makes you do a lot of weird things, don’t she?”



Disco: They usually involve blood sacrifices to the Book Gods.

Svensvenderson: The papercuts will never heal.

Hellioning: "Point to where she touched you on the doll..."

Vimbert: Nyx plushies: they exist. Pardon me while I go cut myself a little.



Apple Bloom pointed out. “I mean, wearin’ glasses you don’t really need and wearin’ a vest to hide your wings. Makes you wonder why, don’t it?”



“I... I have wondered sometimes, but Twilight is nice...



Disco: but ridiculously stupid.



I don’t think she’d make me do anything without a good reason.”



“Yea, Twilight is pretty cool.... a bit nerdy,



Crazy56U: UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FRIGGIN CENTURY.



but cool.” Scootaloo offered.



Ezn: “If she were one of my classmates, I’d only give her swirlies on Tuesdays.”



“Still, it’s your turn Nyx.”



The black filly smiled, lying down on her sleeping bag and enjoying the feeling of not having to wear her vest or glasses.



Vimbert: Equestria: a nudist’s dream.



“Okay, Sweetie Belle, Truth or Challenge?”



“Truth!” The little white unicorn answered without a moments hesitation.



Ezn: or a moment’s apostrophe.



“What’s the funniest story you have of your big sister Rarity?”



Sweetie Belle snorted. “Oh, you guys



RLYoshi: And then they were all colts.

Crazy56U: When did we stop riffing “Past Sins” and start riffing “On a Cross and Arrow”?



are going to like this.”



Ezn: “Scootaloo, your birthday’s not for another week, so block your ears.”



And the story began, Sweetie Belle getting into it and soon all four fillies breaking out in



Ezn: horrible sores from tick bites.



loud laughter. Laughter that was only ended when a pounding came



Ezn: Just gonna leave this here.



at the bedroom door.



“Apple Bloom, you and yer friends get to sleep right this minute or I’m goin’ come in there and hogtie



CTOONfan1: Hogtie! It's been forever since you were overused in this story!



all of you in your sleepin’ bags!”



Ezn: “How can you hogtie Scootaloo? She’s a chicken, not a hog.”



Applejack threatened, having been kept up by the girls and their sleep over. “I got buckin’ to do in the mornin’ and I won’t have you four keepin’ me up all night.”



The four fillies chimed back an apology and, with their game ended by Applejack, the Crusaders decided to call it a night.



Ezn:”Truth or Challenge is such a long name anyway.”



Nyx flipped the room’s light switch with her magic, and soon the four fillies were lying in the darkened room.



“Whoa... Nyx, did you know your eyes glowed in the dark?”



Crazy56U: Well, to be fair, that is a common trait among cartoon characters. But only one pony in town knows that.



Apple Bloom whispered.



“They do? Nyx said, looking in the direction of Apple Bloom’s voice. As her eyes adjusted to the weak light,



Svensvenderson: Wait, her eyes are adjusting to the light of her eyes? How does that- *head a splodes*.

RLYoshi: "Here lies Svensvenderson. He tried to divide by zero."



Nyx began to make out her friends in fairly good detail, the filly having excellent vision in the dark.



“Yea, and by the way, it’s awesome.”



Hellioning: "I really like her eyes!"

Vimbert: And then this became a clopfic.



Scootaloo offered before stifling a yawn.



“Thanks girls. And... thanks for still being my friends, even after I showed you my wings.”



Ezn: “They weren’t tasty chicken wings like Scootaloo’s, but they were still pretty yummy.”



“Of course.” Sweetie Belle offered as she laid down, on the verge of going to sleep. “We’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders; that’s like being friends for life with a cool theme song.”



We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

On a quest to find out who we are.

And we will never stop the journey

Not until we have our cutie marks.



Disco: Make it stop! Please!

Crazy56U: Why should she stop? Sweetie Belle can sing. If it was Scootaloo, I understand, but it isn't. ...unless you were freaking out about the canon nod?

Disco: Think about it. Everyone is so out of character in this story, so she obviously can’t sing worth a buck.



While Sweetie Belle had been the one to start singing, the other three started singing as well. Not in the intense and arguably painful rock ballad that the had been performed at the talent show.



Hellioning: Pen Stroke, we watched the same show you did. You don't need to remind us.

Crazy56U: He has no respect for the reader's intelligence; that has been made apparent by now.



Instead, the three sang it softly, softly enough that even Scootaloo’s voice was bearable.



And with that the four soon drifted off to sleep, none resting as well as Nyx who had been able to reveal a truth about herself to her friends, who accepted her all the same.



Ezn: They hadn’t heard about the bounty.



That and she found out her eyes glowed in the dark, which was really cool.



DiStort: At this rate, she’s going to have more pointless powers than Superman.

Crazy56U: Like rebuilding stone walls with his mind (ala "Superman 4")?

DiStort: Or as I like to call it, Gumby-vision.



====================



Nexus



Disco: Epic Failure



stared up at the moon through his study window, glass of orange juice floating in his levitation magic nearby.



DiStort: Man, has Nexus just been sitting there drinking orange juice this whole time? Well, points for knowing what he likes, I suppose.

Disco: He’s going to have such a hangover.



He swirled the contents gently, a visual indication of the fact



Ezn: that orange juice turned him on almost as much as breathing did.



his mind was chewing over new information he had been presented. He had received the reports from the spy,



RLYoshi: And learned that the Heavy was about to come barging into the Intelligence room, so they had to set up a Sentry or two quickly.



and while some of the information was welcoming other bits were troubling.



Disco: Hoof polish was terribly expensive this time of year.



His plan had gone off without a hitch; a few flyers sent out in the mail inspiring some local teacher in Ponyville to have the Learn and Play Day.



DiStort: I knew it! Cheerilee IS a plagiarist!



It was the kind of public setting where Nyx wouldn’t be around Twilight Sparkle the whole time and thus could be observed and even spoken to. And the spy had done all that until the pink earth pony started chasing him. He had watched, he had observed,



CTOONfan1: He did things in the bushes he isn't proud of...



and even gone up and spoken with Nyx at her booth. He had also witnessed and reported the two feats of magic the little filly performed. Turning a pony into a tree...



DiStort: Ugh...

Crazy56U: ...line?



winning a tug of war game by herself against four much larger and stronger opponents.



Wild Trotter: Not to mention humiliating two bland earth filly libbies as well.



It was the kind of magic that no filly, even one as naturally talented as Twilight Sparkle, should possess, let alone be able to control. It was the kind of magic held only by two others, the alicorns who sat upon the royal thrones.



Hellioning: And we all know how much Celestia and Luna love tug of war.



But while the magical potential was there, the queen was not. The filly did not act like Nightmare Moon, did not speak condescendingly to the country bumpkins of Ponyville. The spy described her as



Wild Trotter: A plague to those with common sense everywhere.



pleasant and energetic, with friends and a good standing in the community. All words that Nexus wouldn’t have believed would be attributed to Equestria’s true queen,



Wild Trotter: Spell Nexus: "If she isn't fabulous enough yet, she will be. That much I guarantee."



at least when dealing with the common pony.



Wild Trotter: Not that Nexus sees anything wrong with Equestria's "true queen" going all Mrs. Robinson on her subjects. (beat) Wait, what?



Could he have possibly done something wrong?



CTOONfan1: You were trying to bring back an evil tyrant who wished eternal night. That's all kinds of wrong.



Could the spell have gone wrong?



Ezn: It’s fanfiction. These things happen. A lot.

Crazy56U: Well, considering that his new nickname is "Epic Failure"...



Was the filly truly Nightmare Moon, or just a pony that had been gifted with the queen’s power?



Disco: How many times has this been asked? I’ve lost count.

Crazy56U: Whenever this question gets repeated, a goldfish cries.

RLYoshi: And then forgets why it was crying.



These questions, in a variety of forms, rolled around in Nexus’ head,



Disco: Much like the text of this fanfic.

Ezn: “Damn bureaucrats!”



clattering together like marbles



Svensvenderson: You mean the ones he lost?



as the unicorn tried to discern some truth from what he already knew.



A process interrupted when the door to his study opened.



“Sir?”



“Yes Proper Etiquette?”



“Princess Celestia is at the front door and wishes to have a word, but wants it to be known this is a request and not a demand.



CTOONfan1: Celestia: "I request he gets his flank out here before I think of things worse than moon banishment."

Drizzel: ... And done.

Anon13: Let me guess: being in this fic?

Drizzel: Something like that...



Shall I see her in?”



“Yes, please.”



DiStort: “Did you see anything?” “No, sir. I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.”

Crazy56U: Great, now I'm picturing Spell Nexus as Lord Helmet. Darn you, DiSort. Darn you.

Hellioning: That is an unfair comparison. One is a comedic take on a common villain archetype, and the other is played by Rick Moranis.



Nexus replied, closing his eyes. Upon re-opening them the turquoise orbs, a blessing given to those who were of the order,



Crazy56U: You know, I don't care what anyone says, those eyes are cool.



disappeared and were replaced by Nexus’s old, slate gray eyes. He then downed the rest of the orange juice in his glass, shivering a little as the perfectly chilled juice gave him a minor brain freeze



Disco: Is this guy ever sober?!

Crazy56U: ...OK, either I'm going insane, or that was word for word copied from chapter 7.

Anon13: You're still reading this. "Both" is a distinct possibility.



before he moved over to a chair and picked up a book,



Disco: The Joys of Varnished Countertops, a Memoir by Horizontal Surface.



wanting to look like he was enjoying a quiet evening at home



CTOONfan1: When really he was craving a loud dance party.



when the princess stepped in.



Ezn: He hoped she’d make the evening less quiet, and more enjoyable!



And the timing was near perfect, Nexus just getting settled into one of his chairs with a book when the doors opened, Princess Celestia strolling in while her guards remained stationed at the door.



“Thank you for allowing me into your lovely home at such a late hour Nexus.”



Ezn: “I only visit important schoolboard ponies at night.”



Celestia offered as she strode across the room. “I do hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.”



CTOONfan1: Spell Nexus: Oh nothing but me thinking about my plans to overthrow you and put Nightmare Moon on the throne. How was your day?

RLYoshi: Celestia: Oh, it was fi - wait, what?



“A good book and nothing more.”



DiStort: “Have you ever read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Princess? It’s lovely.”

Crazy56U: Unless it's written by Horizontal Surface, I don't care.



Nexus lied expertly with a reassuring smile as he set the book he had taken up on a nearby end table.



CTOONfan1: He didn't realize the book was actually The Blockhead's Guide to Fooling Your Princess Into Thinking You're the Good Guy.



“Still, I find it surprising you are out and about at such an hour. You are usually in bed around this time.”



Ezn: “I know because I watch you sleep.”



“Yes, but I have received a bit of news late in the afternoon and I’ve been working to prepare for the morning.”



“And just what happens in the morning?”



Crazy56U: OK, he must be friggin’ hammered if he seriously asked that.



“In due time Nexus. First, I want to inform you of the situation at hand.”



Ezn: “Twilight botched a spell and teleported a human into Equestria!”

Anon13: Again?



And with that Celestia began, taking a seat on a cushion Nexus kept in the study just for the royal visitor. Celestia began telling Nexus about the spell in the forest, about the research his co-worker Bastion was doing on the spell, and of many other things that Nexus knew already about.



Disco: He had several wiki links on hoof.



Still, he feigned interest, and the appropriate levels of shock and disbelief when told some new piece of information.



Wild Trotter: And that is not even mentioning Celestia's secret affair with Twilight.



“To think, ponies trying to resurrect Nightmare Moon. It is hard to believe some would be so foalish.”



Wild Trotter: "Or worse, turning that certain showpony into the new owner of Midnight Castle... buuuut I digress."



Nexus offered several minutes later, pouring a fresh glass of orange juice for himself.



CTOONfan1: Pony Joe: I think you've had enough, kid.

CTOONfan1: Spell Nexus: I'll tell YOU when I've had enough!

RLYoshi: ANOTHER ORANGE JUICE! EXTRA PULP!



He silently made an offer to pour a glass for Celestia, but she offered a smile and a gently shook of her head in reply.



Ezn: “I’m a little frightened of whatever it is that you put in that stuff.”

Crazy56U: We'd tell you about the last time she got drunk... but that is a tale that must never be repeated.

Vimbert: A Drop of Moonshine?



“Yes, it is disconcerting that there are those in Equestria who would turn to Nightmare Moon for some grand revolution instead of speaking to me about what’s driving them to make such a horrible mistake.”



Wild Trotter: "Maybe I was either hitting on them a little too much... or not nearly enough."



“But you stopped them; the spell was interrupted.”



“Yes... but I fear that while not returned to her original power, Nightmare Moon was still reborn.”



Nexus lifted a questioning eyebrow. “Really? What makes you say that?”



“You, of course, know my student Twilight Sparkle.”



“The most magically gifted unicorn I’ve ever seen, of course.”



Crazy56U: Nexus: "And in no way did I ponynap her a few chapters ago."

Celestia: "What do you mean by-"

Nexus: (quickly) "What? Nothing. You were saying?"



“At the Spring Festival in Ponyville I discovered my student was taking care of a young black coated filly by the name of Nyx, a filly she said was her half-cousin.



Ezn: “I was thoroughly embarrassed at the next Klan meeting.”



A filly that, if my sources are to be believed, started living with her the day after the cultists casted their spell in the forest. A filly who, in recent days, performed two very profound feats of magic at a school weekend event.”



“Well, I can only imagine magic runs in her family.” Nexus offered before sipping on his orange juice.



Ezn: “I’m going to phone her up now and tell her to go catch it! Ha!”



“Yes, I would believe that as well if Nyx was related to Twilight, but I have checked the family’s records. There is no listing of any relative of Twilight having a daughter named Nyx, and in fact there is no listing of a Nyx being born in Equestria in the past several decades.”



Crazy56U: "Then again, I know this thanks to Wikipedia, so I'm not 100% sure."



“Perhaps that is not her real name.”



“A consideration I have taken into account Nexus. While there have been a few black coated unicorn fillies born that would be at the right age, they were all born in very different parts of Equestria and they are all living happily with their families. It is like this filly appeared out of thin air.”



Nexus, who had been taking another sip from his orange juice glass, froze up for a single moment.



Disco: His binge drinking finally caught up with him.

Hellioning: Spell Nexus has suffered a fatal error, and needs to reboot.



Not long enough for Celestia to notice but a small sign that the true Nexus, who was hiding behind sweet words and feigned interest, was a bit concerned.



“You believe this filly was created by the spell?”



DiStort: Either that, or another one of Equestrian Innovations’ escaped test subjects.



Celestia nodded. “Yes, a very clever deduction Nexus.”



CTOONfan1: You don't have to be Batman to figure it out from that.

Drizzel: You don’t even have to be Inspector Gadget.

Anon13: The characters in this story have about a 10% chance assuming they lay off the marker huffing.



“You give me far too much credit, Princess. After all, we were speaking of the spell and Nightmare Moon before you brought up this little filly, and since you believe she came out of thin air... well, I can only assume you believe she is a product of the spell.



CTOONfan1: Did you just use logic in this story? Shame on you!



The question I do have, however, is whether or not you believe she is Nightmare Moon.”



“I am unsure.” Celestia admitted. “The reports of her magical ability are troubling,



Ezn: “I swear if I read the word ‘tree’ one more time...”



but at the same time she has been living in Ponyville for months now with no incident. From what information I have been able to gather, she acts like any normal filly. She goes to school, has friends, and is known to most of the town as a sweet, happy pony who gets into a little trouble once in a while with three of her friends, the four of them together calling themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”



Hellioning: Why does Celestia feel the need to tell Spell Nexus this much about a random filly that she doesn't think involves him?

RLYoshi: Even princesses get to hold the idiot ball every now and then.

Vimbert: Everypony gets a turn!



“Hmmm... such behavior does seem out of character from what stories I’ve heard about the Mare in the Moon.



Ezn: “But then again, this is fanfiction.”



Tell me, what does Luna think? Surely she, who was once Nightmare Moon, would be able to offer the most honest analysis.”



Disco: Her abacus would surely give an accurate answer!



“All Luna knows is that Nyx is a black filly that is staying with my student Twilight Sparkle. She knows nothing of the cult, the spell, or any of my concerns... and I would prefer if it stayed that way.”



“You are keeping Luna in the dark?



DiStort: BA DUM TISH.

Crazy56U: She better not be alone, or she'll run across Uwe Boll and Christian Slater. And Celestia help her if she does.



Do you not trust her with this matter?”



“No... no, I trust my sister... I know my sister all too well and I know that I could trust her with the truth... but I choose to keep this a secret for her own sake.”



Crazy56U: In other words: "I do, except I don't."



Celestia admitted, “My sister has come a long way in the time since she was freed from her driving jealousy and hatred. She has come to terms with what she was, enough so that she was able to sit through and even enjoy a Spring Festival play about her mistake.



“She did not see that play as something mocking her and the evils he did, but telling the story of how my student and her friends helped my sister escape from what she had become. Gave her a chance for her and I to truly be loving sisters again.



“But...” Celestia continued, the gentleness in her voice over the memory of the spring play being quickly replaced with firm seriousness. “If I know Luna, she would bear of all this on her own shoulders. She was hold herself responsible, since it was she who became the original Nightmare Moon.



“I... I choose to keep this as secret from her simply because



Disco: “I have no common sense whatsoever.”



I feel Luna has suffered enough for that mistake, and that she doesn’t need be troubled by this. If I can fix this without her ever knowing... then I have done my duty as an older sister. I will not let Nightmare Moon take Luna away again, physically or metaphorically.”



Disco: Hey look, a road paved with good intentions! Wonder where it leads...



“What are you going to do then?”



“This is actually why I came to you Spell Nexus.



Ezn: “You’re going to make my sister feel better by giving her some of that orange juice.”



Despite the filly’s benign nature, the risk of her being Nightmare Moon is too great. The truth has to be ascertained.



“So,” Celestia continued, “I’ve come to you, my trusted magical advisor and the pony I’ve placed in charge of my school. If I were to bring the filly to you, do you believe you could determine whether or not she is Nightmare Moon and whether or not she means Equestria harm?”



Disco: *Facehoofs* Density, thy name is Celestia.

Svensvenderson: You know, for a sun goddess, Celestia isn’t all that bright.

Wild Trotter: Neither is her best student, apparently.

Crazy56U: My guess? She and every other pony involved sniffed some markers before appearing in this fanfic; it's the ONLY explanation for this kind of stupidity.



“I... believe so.” Nexus offered, licking his lips as he had to choose his words carefully.



Disco: He kept slurring them, despite his best efforts.



“But to ascertain that kind of truth through questioning alone will not suffice. It would require a spell, one that would allow us to view the filly’s true nature. I would need time to research and prepare such a spell.”



Wild Trotter: Nexus: "And in no way will that reveal MY true nature as well."



Celestia: "I... did not catch that last part. What did you say?"



Nexus: "Erm... nothing."



“Take what time you need, Nexus.



Ezn: Celestia symbolically broke an hourglass and poured its sand on his head.



For the moment the filly poses no threat. Even if she is Nightmare Moon her powers are too weak to even attempt moving the moon or holding it in place in the sky.



Crazy56U: (chuckles) Oh, how wrong you are, Celestia. Oh, how wrong you are.



I fear for the safety of my student, but at the same time I know that if Nightmare Moon is just trying to bide her time then she will not risk hurting Twilight without reason.”



“It will take some time, but I will tell you when I have the spell prepared.” Nexus assured.



“Wonderful! I knew I could trust you Nexus. You were yourself, after all, once my faithful student.”



DiStort: Celestia sure has some low standards.

Disco: It all makes sense now! He’s jealous of Twilight!

Hellioning: That's a subtle way of adding new backstory. It was so well-woven into the dialogue, I just couldn't help but look away.



Nexus laughed a little, getting up from his chair. “Yes, but this faithful student is now the headmaster of your school and your advisor,



Disco: And a cross-dressing alcoholic,

RLYoshi: With a sister who used to be a brother,

Anon13: And in the running for the "World's Cheesiest Villain" title. Again.



and I advise you to go back to the castle and get your rest. You do have a sun to raise in the morning.”



Celestia chuckled a little, getting up from the cushion. “Of course. you always were one to remind me of my duties, Nexus.”



Ezn: “But sadly not my sentence capitalisation.”



“I do it out of concern and nothing more, Princess.”



“I know, and thank you for assisting in this matter.” Celestia offered



Vimbert: a free trip to the moon



as she and Nexus drew close to the door, the butler Proper Etiquette opening said doors for the princess as her guards snapped to attention, ready to move out.



“I will send word via letter when I have completed research on the spell you requested. I don’t imagine it will take me very long, considering my special talent is creating new spells.”



Disco: and failing epically at them.

Hellioning: Wouldn't Celestia already know his special talent if he was her student?

Vimbert: EXPOSITION!



Nexus offered. “Now, I wish you a pleasant evening Your Highness.”



Wild Trotter: "And do not forget to contact Stonewall in case your... nightly urges resurface."

Crazy56U: Wait, I forget: is Stonewall allergic to bananas?



“And a good night to you too, Spell Nexus. Don’t stay up too late, my faithful student.” Celestia offered as a final farewell. Nexus returned it with a laugh and a wave of his hoof before slipping back into his study.



CTOONfan1: Stupid banana peels.



He moved to the window, smiling gently as he watched the courtyard below. Celestia flew off with her guards a few minutes later.



It was only when Celestia was out of sight that Nexus closed his eyes, opening them a moment later to reveal the slate gray orbs had returned to the turquoise color that marked him as a member of the Children of Nightmare.



Ezn: Trololololololololol.

Crazy56U: He out-trolled Celestia?!?! BLASPHEMY!

RLYoshi: THIS IS MADNESS!

Anon13: Madness? (chuckle) … THIS. IS. BAD FANFIC!



His gentle grin turned menacing, and the dark blue unicorn had to fight the urge to laugh out loud.



DiStort: He RESISTED the evil laugh? Isn’t that, like, against the rules or something?

Disco: He even fails at being generically evil!



Horn glowing, Nexus began pulling books off his study shelves.



Disco: “Hmmm, let’s see...Desks And You, The Virtue of Tables... Appledash

clopfics?!”

Ezn: One of them’s probably that DashxCoffeeTable fic.



Yes, he would need time to prepare, but now he had all the time he would need.



Ezn: Spell Nexus danced merrily in his tiny sandpit.



He had no fear of Celestia acting, for the princess was waiting for him to help her act.



Ezn: She had debilitating stagefright.



A second opportunity, a second chance to complete the spell, had been laid in his hooves by none other than the sun tyrant herself. It was like fate and destiny were on his side, that the world itself worked to help him bring back Equestria’s true queen.



Ezn: There’s no accounting for the world’s taste, I guess.



“Celestia, you have become a contributing architect in your demise.”



Crazy56U: "And providing that you don't cut corners like the construction team in 'The Towering Inferno', said demise will go off swimmingly. ...god, I need friends."

Wild Trotter: "Wait a minute, nightly urges? I... might actually be doing those royal servants a favor."



Nexus offered,



Ezn: I wish I could offer a joke here but this word has been offered up so many times that I’m considering taking a suicide pill... if someone offers one.

Anon13: Dude, word choice is no reason to offer yourself- off yourself. Damn it!

Crazy56U: I offer that you calm down, and I offer that you stop offering suicide suggestions over your offered hatred over the word "offer". Offer. Offer offer. Offer offer of offer. Offer offer. To suggest. (My head hurts.)



the one bit of gloating he allowed himself before diving into the



Ezn: decadent swimming pool filled with “orange juice”.



work that laid ahead of him.



=====================================================================



CTOONfan1: But wait! I have questions about a comment that quite concerned me!

Tavish Dougherty: Well take those questions and shove ‘em!



My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.

=====================================================================



Crazy56U: Coming up next in the "Past Sins MST": Watch as we make jokes during Celestia's most controversial move (in this edit)! :)

RLYoshi: Yaaaay! (dances)

GelidEnmity: ~RL can dance if he wants to, he can leave his friends behind, cuz if they don’t dance, well they’re no friends of mine~

Crazy56U: That don’t rhyme.





Chapter 10

Treachery



GelidEnmity: Treachery so treacherous that the treachery turned teachers treacherous!

Crazy56U: (nosebleed)



===================



Anon13: As a service to other fanfic authors, I’d like to offer... excuse me, propose the Offer Vocabulary Expansion Project (OVEP). For each time the verb ‘offered’ is (over)used in this document, the public is encouraged to offer... suggest a new and better predicate to replace it.

Disco: Remember, kids: Vocabulary Is Magic!

DiStort: The more you know~

Casca: I propose we make it a drinking game instead.

RLYoshi: One drinking game is more than enough, thank you very much.

Drizzel: We'd all die of alcohol poisoning before this was over.



The doors to the Ponyville School House erupted open



Anon13: I lava this time of year.

Crazy56U: Wait, I think you spelt that sentence wro- Oh my lord... you made that pun.

Drizzel: That pun... it burns...

GelidEnmity: Oh god... Drizzel, that second pun BURNS!!!

Crazy56U: STOP USING THAT WORD!



with cheers and flying papers, all the little fillies and colts racing out with wide smiles.



Svensvenderson: There must have been a sale on smiles.

Drizzel: Smiles! Get you smiles here! Toothy grins and psycho smirks half off!



Among them were the Cutie Mark Crusaders,



Svensvenderson: And Nyx.

Drizzel: Zoidberg too.

GelidEnmity: Hell, why not add a kicky beret?



who were laughing and giggling



Ezn: at Nyx



right along with all the others. Cheerilee watched with a smile as the ponies raced off towards town, walking back into a school house with a bounce in her step that she only got once a year.



Disco: “I’m free! FREE!”



The cheer for both Cheerilee and the student



Vimbert: Only one student was happy about this? I call shenanigans.



all stemmed from the same source:



Ezn: Nyx’s witch trial was scheduled for that evening.



school was out for the summer.



Crazy56U: And later that day, the school would be blown to pieces.



“No more school, no more school, no more school!” Apple Bloom cheered several times,



Ezn: Earth ponies have to constantly repeat stuff like this so they remember it.



bouncing around like Pinkie Pie as she and the other crusaders made their way into the center



RLYoshi: to heal their Pokémon.



of Ponyville.



“Yea, a full summer vacation to find our Cutie Marks! This is going to be awesome!” Scootaloo offered.



Anon13: OVEP: sleazily insinuated



“So, what should we try first? Skateboarding? Paragliding? Oh, no... we should try to be Cutie Mark Crusader Bungee Jumpers!”



“That all sounds kind of dangerous Scootaloo.” Sweetie Belle offered



Disco: OVEP: blandly proposed

Crazy56U: OVEP: bluntly stated

Drizzel: OVEP harmoniously squawked



a little anxiously. “Maybe we could start off with something easier. We... uh, we don’t want to go through all your awesome ideas straight away, do we?”



CTOONfan1: Then we can cross off Cutie Mark Crusader Speedy Montage Makers, then?



“No, I guess not.”



“Hey, I know what we should do!” Nyx offered



Disco: OVEP: vaguely implied



with a chirp.



Ezn: “No, Nyx, we’re not going to be Cutie Mark Crusader Bird Flu Patients again.”



“We should each try to think up a whole bunch of things we can try and make a master list for the summer, so we know what we’ve tried and what we haven’t.”



Ezn: Nyxius and CMerb are gonna do it all!

Svensvenderson: Silly Nyx, being anal retentive is Twilight's special talent!

Crazy56U: I thought it was magic?

Anon13: Damn, that puts her cutie mark in a very very different light...



“Yeah!” The other three cheered in agreement. After hammering out a few



Ezn: dents in Nyx’s skull.



details, the four agreed to meet at Twilight’s library the next day after lunch with their lists.



RLYoshi: "I've got a very important lunch meeting with the Lists and I can't be late!"



And with a final “Cutie Mark Crusaders” chant the group disbanded,



CTOONfan1: only to have a reunion concert 10 years later.



each running home to try and think of as many things they could try during the summer in their search for their cutie marks.



Svensvenderson: After several weeks, they had collectively come up with two.

RLYoshi: Obviously, it was Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle who came up with them. Earth ponies and Mary Sues can't think that fast.



Nyx practically galloped all the way back to the library, bursting through the door.



Disco: She’d been working on her Kool Aid Man impersonation.



Twilight and Spike had been working in the library’s ground floor, Spike checking out a few books for an earth pony



Vimbert: Implying earth ponies can read. Oh Pen Stroke, you so crazy!

Disco: They were obviously Horizontal Surface’s coloring books.

DiStort: That Horizontal Surface. Truly a literary jack-of-all-trades.



while Twilight was putting other books back on the shelf. The purple unicorn didn’t know what hit her



Ezn: It was the Kool-Aid Man.

CTOONfan1: OH YEAH!



as Nyx tackled her unofficial mother, giggling almost nonstop.



Ezn: Poor Sparkler was rushed to the hospital, ruining the heartwarming scene.



“I’m home!”



DiStort: “OH GOD. QUICK SPIKE, HIDE THE DRUGS.”



“So I see.” Twilight replied, sitting up from her new location on the floor while Nyx bounced excitedly around her.



Ezn: “Now go clean my toilet with your stupid hair.”



“And how was your last day of school?”



Drizzel: And I mean that literally.



“Really fun. Cheerilee ordered some treats from Sugar Cube corner



Vimbert: Generic Cupcakes reference.

Crazy56U: Sounds like a crappy treat. I'm sticking to Rice Krispies.



for us and she handed out our final grades.”



Ezn: “She put the grades in the cupcakes which, in retrospect, wasn’t the greatest idea ever.”

RLYoshi: Have you ever eaten a cupcake with a hint of F? It's better than you think.

Drizzel: MMmm... Tastes like failure.



“And how were your final grades?” Twilight asked. Nyx was more than eager to reply, magically opening her saddle bags as she pulled out her grade report and held it out.



Ezn: “An F for Character Flaws and Relateability? Oh, Nyx...”



Twilight took the note in her own magic, holding it at an angle she could read.



Vimbert: Twilight reads everything upside down. Fact.



Her face then lit up



Ezn: The fire raged for hours, consuming half of Ponyville.



in a smile, seeing the stellar grades Nyx had managed to achieve. They weren’t perfect,



Crazy56U: "An A-?!? Well then, no dinner for you tonight!"

Vimbert: Oh god, what if Nyx isn’t a Mary Sue? EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE!

Crazy56U: (slap) GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MAN!



but still pretty darn good for a filly who started two thirds of the way through the school year.



“So, did I do good? Cheerilee said I did good but did I do good?” Nyx asked.



Ezn:”No. Remove your vest. Forty lashes!”

Crazy56U: (scoffs) Yeah, screw the teacher's opinion. All she gets paid to do is teach; that's not a real job!



“You did amazing.”



DiStort: “As in: it’s amazing that Cheerilee actually had to invent a new grade below an F just for you.”

Crazy56U: Huh. She's the first I know of to get a G- in school.





Twilight replied, setting the grade report on the nearby table. “In fact, I think we need to celebrate. What do you think Spike? Should we take the rest of the afternoon off and do something fun?”



Disco: Like running away from this story?

Wild Trotter: Sounds good to me.



“What about the library?



CTOONfan1: "Doesn't the library get to have fun, too?"

Drizzel: "Nyx how many times do I have to tell you the library is not alive?"



You’re the one always saying we have to keep it open during the day so that ponies can check out books if they want.”



“Oh come on Spike, it’s a special occasion. The end of school only comes once a year.”



Ezn: “Besides, this town is mostly earth ponies, and you just lent out the last colouring book.”



“Yea Spike, come on.” Nyx added.



“Hey, you don’t have to ask me twice.”



DiStort: They weren’t asking you, Spike, they were TELLING you. You don’t get a choice either way.



The baby dragon said with a laugh, making a few final notes in the library’s ledger about the books that were just checked out before slapping it shut. “So, what are we going to do?”



“I think Nyx should decide.”



Crazy56U: Whether you should live or die?

CTOONfan1: For as you know, the entire universe revolves around this one kid.

Drizzel: She’s a black hole! She’s drawing us in, run!



“Really? I get to pick?”



“Yep, whatever you want to do Nyx.”



Disco: This won’t end well for anyone.

Vimbert: And they were never seen again...



“Can we get lunch at the Sugarcube Corner?”



“Yes.”



“And then can we go play at the park?”



“Yes.”



Ezn: “And then can we shroud Equestria in eternal night?”

RLYoshi: "Ye-waaaait a minute..."



The little filly was practically on the verge of exploding in excitement,



Crazy56U: Crud. Someone remind me, which do I cut: the red wire or the blue wire?

Disco: Doesn't matter. She'll just explode twice.

vimbert: Cut the red wire. It's the wrong one.

Crazy56U: But I hate dying! :(

vimbert: But it'd take out Nyx! TAKE ONE FOR THE FANDOM, MAN.

Crazy56U: (cuts the blue wire) ...hah!

Batman_the_Dino: "BOOM!"

Crazy56U: Shouting won’t get you anywhere, young man.



bouncing over towards the door like a certain pink earth pony.



Vimbert: Berry Punch!

For the Plot: Cheerilee?



Twilight and Spike quickly followed, the trio locking up the library for the afternoon and heading off to celebrate.



Svensvenderson: It's official: Twilight closing the library is the most out of character moment in the entire fic.

Crazy56U: ...give it a minute... Celestia hasn't appeared yet...



============



“That was the best afternoon ever!”



RLYoshi: "Too bad the readers didn't get to see it!"



Nyx cheered as she, Twilight, and Spike began making their way back to the library as the sun drew close to the far horizon. All three were smiling ear to ear



DiStort: Considering a pony’s ears are on the top of its head rather than the sides, this has rather frightening implications.



, having spent the whole afternoon basically just playing in the park.



Ezn: Gross! Not in public, you guys!



Games of tag, hide and seek, and Twilight taking the part of a pretend monster that Nyx and Spike fought to defeat a number of times.



Svensvenderson: Twilight as a monster Nyx has to defeat? There's some disturbing subtext.

RLYoshi: Not to mention pretty ironic.



The kind of random, unplanned day of fun that Twilight had often missed growing up considering all the time she spent reading books.



Drizzel: Her planner just didn't have room for it.



“Can we do it again tomorrow?” Nyx asked.



“Maybe not tomorrow.” Twilight replied, smiling though slightly worn out from all the playful running. “But maybe this weekend. After all, weren’t you going to do something with your friends tomorrow?”



“Yea; we’re each supposed to



Ezn: practice replacing our “h”s with semicolons.



think up a bunch of things we could try out over the summer to try and find our Cutie Marks.” Nyx chirped in a reply. “OH! ...I forgot to start my list...”



“Well, I wouldn’t worry too much. You have until noon tomorrow. I’m sure if you start on the list tonight you’ll have more than enough things to share with your friends tomorrow.”



Vimbert: Wait, is Twilight advocating procrastination? What if Nyx is TARDYYYY?



“Yea, don’t worry about it Nyx.” Spike offered,



Batman_the_Dino: OVEP: sarcastically lied



“You got all night to... hey, Twilight?”



Svensvenderson: "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

Vimbert: "That depends. Does it involve a pile of books and Big Macintosh?"



“Yes Spike?”



CTOONfan1: Spike: "Are we getting to the good part now?"

RingmasterJ5: No, Mike - er, Spike, we won’t.



“Why are there royal guards outside the library?”



DiStort: CHEESE IT! IT’S THE FANFICTION POLICE!

RLYoshi: "Stop right there, Mary Sue scum!"

Drizzel: Sargent Sprinkles: You'll never take me alive coppers!

Crazy56U: Your impression needs work.



Twilight, who had been paying most of her attention to the baby dragon and filly riding on her back, looked forward and took notice that



Ezn: her attention account had a deficit balance.



there were in fact



Ezn: technically in fiction

Drizzel: (dryly) heh...hehheh...ehe

Crazy56U: Boo!



a pair of royal guards standing outside the library. Upon getting closer, Twilight was even able to recognize the guards in particular;



CTOONfan1: You can tell the difference in the guards?



they were Celestia’s personal body guards.



Svensvenderson: Fred and Steve.

vimbert: Biggs and Wedge!

Private Sprinkles: Abbot and Costello

Wild Trotter: Soldier and Demoman.

Drizzel: Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris's Shadow

Crazy56U: Tommy Wiseau and James Nguyen



Curious, Twilight walked up to the library door. The guards did not move to stop her, so the unicorn used her magic to open the door and step inside.



“Ah, Twilight, I was wondering where you were.” Celestia offered,



Vimbert: OVEP: purred seductively



the regal princess sitting on a cushion at the library’s reading table, which was more of a coffee table for the very tall princess.



Ezn: Her magical aura would sometimes turn books into coffee. What I wouldn’t give for a sip of Horizontal Surface’s Ode to a Washstand...

Drizzel: I tasted 20,000 leagues. I found it to be a little dry.



“I do hope you don’t mind that I dropped in for a visit.”



Drizzel: "I especially hope you don't mind the hole in you roof."



“Not at all.”



Ezn: “As long as you did it just like you did in S01E15 Feeling Pinkie Keen. We’ve got a reference quota to fulfil here.”



Twilight replied as Nyx and Spike jumped off her back. “I just wished you had warned me you were coming;



CTOONfan1: "I could've prepared a long list of excuses."



I would have cleaned up the library.”



Disco: Translation: “OH GOD CELESTIA IS HERE AND EVERYTHING ISN’T PERFECT!”



“Yes, that and you would have made the whole town put up decorations for my arrival... and I needed some subtlety for this visit.”



Svensvenderson: Says the pony who put royal guards outside a public building.

Disco: Trollestia strikes again.

Drizzel: On herself.



“Why? And shouldn’t you be in Canterlot for the sunset?”



Disco: “Don’t you have better fics to be in?”



“Luna is covering for me this evening, a benefit of having my sister back.



Ezn: “I make her do all that princessing stuff these days. I just spend my time eating bananas and oppressing ponies.”



As to why I am here, perhaps we could discuss that in private?”



Twilight began to realize that the visit from the princess wasn’t a casual one.



Ezn: She bit her lip in anticipation.

Svensvenderson: It was one of those talks.

Disco: Get your popcorn ready, folks!

Drizzel: Butter, salt, or both?



“Oh... of course. Spike, please take Nyx into the kitchen



Ezn: as she is female



and start dinner.”



“Sure thing Twilight. Come on Nyx, let’s make your favorite:



CTOONfan1: "The scenery. I know how you love to chew it up."



celery soup with daffodil sandwiches.”



Vimbert: No hay fries?

Anon13: Wrong fic.



The dragon replied, the little black filly more than eager to help make her favorite meal, mostly because it was the first meal she had ever eaten in the library.



Ezn: *holds up “AWWW” sign*

RLYoshi: Nyx has not been fed at all to this point. It is now canon.

Drizzel: Almost makes me care. Almost.



Twilight and Celestia watched until the pair had gone into the kitchen, the princess using her magic to pull the door gently shut and ensuring the privacy of her conversation



vimbert: "conversation"

Crazy56U: (chuckle) ...I-I don’t get it.



with Twilight.



Ezn: And then this fic became Composure.

Private Sprinkles: If only...



“So, what do you need to talk to me about?” Twilight asked as she walked over and sat next to Celestia at the reading table.



“I need to talk to you about Nyx.” Celestia said,



Ezn: “Her tick infestation has become a national crisis!”



her usually warm and constantly welcoming voice gaining some undertones of seriousness. “Who I know is not your cousin.”



Disco: She’s your evil twin!



“What... what are you talking about? She is my-”



Svensvenderson: Little Cthulhu.

Crazy56U: Meh. My Little Zalgo is cooler. Its eyes bleed black goo! :D



“I can appreciate the fact you’re lying to protect her, but I know she is not your cousin. Now I need to know the truth, Twilight, and I expect you to tell me everything.”



DiStort: Ooh, bust out the Phoenix Wright music, it’s cross-examination time!



The unicorn slumped, realizing this was the visit form Celestia she had been dreading. The princess had found out about Nyx, and had come to know that she



Ezn: couldn’t handle the truth.



wasn’t really her cousin. While it didn’t seem like Celestia knew it all, she knew enough that it was easy to see Twilight had been lying.



And now, the lying had to stop. Twilight



Ezn: had run out of FibQuarters.



could feel her mouth going dry, needing to lick her lips before



RLYoshi: puckering up.



speaking. She told Celestia everything about where she had found Nyx, about the events in the Everfree Forest... everything.



Disco: Even the ticks.

Drizzel: And the sex change. Which Celestia didn't really need to hear.

CTOONfan1: Celestia's so lucky. She only heard a summary.



The whole time Twilight slipped it in as many times as she could that she didn’t believe Nyx was Nightmare Moon,



Disco: Much to the frustration of readers everywhere,



but at the same time she didn’t dare try to conceal anything from the princess.



DiStort: She also made sure to tell the Princess about how Nyx turned Fluttershy into a tree. Vital information, lest we forget.

Batman_the_Dino: Also, how The Boulders didn't try very hard.



Celestia listened to the whole thing silently, hardly moving until Twilight had finished. The unicorn looked up into her mentor’s eyes, trying to read what Celestia was thinking... but a thousand years of being a monarch of Equestria had given Celestia the best poker face in Equestria.



Crazy56U: Lady Gaga should sue her.



There was no way to tell what she was really thinking.



Finally, after a few moments of uneasy silence, Celestia spoke.



Ezn: “Your grammar needs work and I could do without all the episode references.”

Batman_the_Dino: "Also, why did you keep offering me things?"

Drizzel: "And fix your library. It has too many corners."

Crazy56U: “The fact that you kept mentioning ticks concerns me.”



“Twilight... you had good intentions, I can see that. You found a young filly lost in the forest, took her in, and cared for her. These are all actions you should be commended for. Not all ponies would have been so kind.



Disco: They would have had common sense.



“But,” Celestia continued, not offering Twilight the chance to reply. “I don’t think you realize the danger you put yourself in, put Equestria in.



Ezn: put grammar in, put commas in, spliced with.

CTOONfan1: Put every single reader of this thing in.

Crazy56U: The basket you put the lotion in! Now she’ll have to get the hose!



The spell cast in the forest was meant to resurrect Nightmare Moon,



Ezn: NO WAY



and you found this filly in the same place the spell was cast. Surely you noticed her resemblance to Nightmare Moon...



CTOONfan1: No, I thought she looked like Super Mario.

Crazy56U: Wait, she thought that at some point?!?! I guess me not notice too good. DERRRRRRR...



surely you realized just who the little black filly could be.”



DiStort: Don Knotts?



“But she isn’t Nightmare Moon.” Twilight argued.



Svensvenderson: "And don't call me Shirley."



“She is an alicorn who possess magical powers well beyond any other pony her age. She bears memories of Nightmare Moon and resembles her like no other pony I’ve seen.



CTOONfan1: It's almost as if she was born to be Nightmare Moon or something crazy like that.

Anon13: Really, what are the odds?



What further evidence do you need that Nyx is Nightmare Moon?”



Disco: The evil laugh? The horribly cliched and poorly conceived schemes?



“All that proves is that she came



Ezn: Twilight Holmes: Sex Detective: in 3-Double-D

Crazy56U: ...I’ll be right back; I just now got the sudden urge to bathe.



from Nightmare Moon. I saw the ritual as it was happening. They burned shreds of Nightmare Moon’s body, the pieces left behind



Batman_the_Dino: Yet another item that Stonewall forgot.

Drizzel: He tried making a list but he forgot it was taped to his forehead.



after we hit Luna with the Elements of Harmony.



Ezn: “They was trippin’ fo’ days on dat shiz.”



Nyx came from those shreds, but that doesn’t mean she’s Nightmare Moon.”



CTOONfan1: It means she's part Nightmare Moon, part poorly executed story.

Disco: Chapter 1, briefly summarized for the benefit of exasperated readers

everywhere.



“If you carve a statue from stone, then it is made of stone. If you form a statue from clay, it is made of clay.



CTOONfan1: Don't get all meta on us, Celestia.

Crazy56U: And when you make a redundant statement, it becomes redundant because you decided to make a redundant statement that is now redundant! :D



If Nyx was made from what remained of Nightmare Moon, then she is-”



Svensvenderson: "Made of wood, and weighs as much as a duck!"

Isphone: What else floats?

Crazy56U: Everything floats in the sewer. Pennywise taught me that!



“She is not Nightmare Moon!”



DiStort: “But what if she was?” Twilight wondered.



Twilight snapped, tears starting to pull at her eyes as she saw where the conversation was going.



Crazy56U: And in all seriousness, I wouldn't blame her.



“Would Nightmare Moon have lived like a filly for months? Would Nightmare Moon have gone to school, made friends? Would Nightmare Moon have let me take care of her, read her to sleep with stories?



Ezn: “Would Nightmare Moon have turned Fluttershy into a tree? That happened, not sure if I told you....”

DiStort: Well, if she was waiting for the perfect moment to reveal herself and stab you in your sleep, then yeah, probably.

Crazy56U: Errrrm... I’ve read too much of the weird “Friendship is Magic” to not get unconfortable from that question... (shudder)

CTOONfan1: Maybe! You knew her how long? Maybe she'd prance through the forest whistling nursery rhymes!



NO! Even if Nightmare Moon lost all her memories she wouldn’t be the sweet, caring, and curious pony Nyx is.”



Disco: She’d actually be interesting.



“Twilight, you are too close to this filly to see the danger she represents.



DiStort: See, this is what happens when you stand to close to a Mary Sue. You catch The Stupid.



She may act like this now, but what happens as she grows older? What if



Ezn: Pen Stroke starts listening to The Cure and changes this story’s genre? OH WAIT-



more of her memories return, and she remembers her hatred for Equestria and the ponies who call it home? What if she remembers her plans, her desire to plunge the kingdom into eternal night?”



Disco: Just imagine all the crappy fanfics!



“Nyx wouldn’t do that!” Twilight half screamed,



Vimbert: half-yodeled

Drizzel: And a quarter-whistled



tears running down her face openly.



Ezn: They were having a Tear Pride March.

Crazy56U: “We’re here! We’re tears! Get used to it!”



The scream was met only by silence,



Ezn: Half-scream and Silence lived happily ever after.



Celestia’s face shifting from the hard, unreadable poker face she had been wearing to one of compassion and sorrow.



DiStort: Welp, so much for “best poker face in Equestria.”



“Twilight... I hope you are right.” Celestia offered



Vimbert: OVEP: patronizingly replied



quietly. “I hope you are telling the truth. That Nyx isn’t Nightmare Moon,



DiStort: God forbid her character becomes MORE unbalanced.



that while she may have inherited that witch’s appearance and power she is her own pony.



Ezn: Her own little pony?



But... I cannot risk the safety and future of Equestria when you have offered no solid evidence that Nyx and Nightmare Moon are not the same.



RLYoshi: >present evidence "OBJECTION!"

Crazy56U: >dismiss evidence due to plot “HOLD IT!”



“But I must be sure. That is why I have come to take Nyx.”



Disco: Yes! Do it! Please!



“NO!”



Vimbert: “DAMN IT CAN’T YOU TAKE MY COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL REASONING AS EVIDENCE?!”



“She will be taken to Canterlot, where



CTOONfan1: she will stay in the castle to be treated with the care a Mary Sue deserves.

Anon13: Are beatings involved?

DiStort: I’ve got a medieval flail I’m not using.



Spell Nexus



RingmasterJ5: A name that I’m pretty sure Twilight has to have heard at least once while she was captured. My god, these characters need to be at least 20% more rational.



will perform a spell to determine, once and for all, if Nyx is Nightmare Moon.



Disco: I had to bribe him with orange juice and hoof polish.

DiStort: And a “Spice Fillies” CD. Don’t ask me where I got that.



If she is proven not to be the Mare in the Moon, Nyx will be returned to your care and I will award you



Ezn: a bronze medal and authorship rights to her memoirs.



legal guardianship of her, to be contested by nopony.”



Svensvenderson: "And we all know how trustworthy he is, right?"

Crazy56U: To the readers starting to feel uncomfortable with Celestia’s sense of judgment here... just wait... it gets worse.



“And if you think she is Nightmare Moon?”



“Twilight, do not ask about things you do not wish to know-”



“WHAT WILL YOU DO!?!”



Disco: The Hustle?

Isphone: Call the Ghost Busters?

DiStort: Bail?

Crazy56U: ...some marker huffing?

Drizzel: ALL THESE ANSWERS AND MORE! COMING SOON.



“She is a product of a spell, and well be dealt with as such. She will be dispelled and the lingering energy purified.”



Crazy56U: So... in other words, you're going to kill a filly to confirm your paranoid suspicions... ...yeah, um, lady? WHAT IN HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

vimbert: Killing one to save millions? Sounds worth it to me.

Crazy56U: In that context, yes. But, consider this: she has no remorse for this mind set. She's acting out of pure paranoia. Like I said, saving lives or not, she is literally killing a filly to confirm her suspicions. Besides, spoilers, this lack-of-judgement makes things WORSE later! ...yeah, I know, this just took a dark turn. But seriously... what the hell?

Exn: And suddenly this became the EqD Past Sins comment thread.

Crazy56U: I regret nothing.



“NO!!!” Twilight cried in rage,



Svensvenderson: Full rage, not half rage. Twilight must really be pissed.

Crazy56U: I don't blame her. Celestia just admitted the possibility of killing her sort-of child.

Batman_the_Dino: half-child

Crazy56U: (angry) Not. Now.



getting up from the table as she glared at Celestia through tears. “I won’t let you hurt her!”



Ezn: “Only I am allowed to hurt her!”



“Twilight...”



Ezn: “No you silly filly, it’s already nighttime!”



“And who cares if she is Nightmare Moon? What difference does that make?



Vimbert: “Besides meaning she’s the biggest threat to Equestria’s peace and safety right now, but D’AWW LOOK AT HOW CUTE SHE IS!”



She hasn’t done anything wrong!”



Ezn: “Except derail my character!”

Disco: Aside from being utterly annoying?

DiStort: Don’t forget spreading ticks.



“Hasn’t done anything wrong? Twilight, have you forgotten she plunged Equestria into an eternal night? That she imprisoned me within the sun?



Svensvenderson: Turnabout is fair play, Celestia.

CTOONfan1: That was Nightmare Moon. This is Nyx. You've become really crazy, haven't you?

Crazy56U: Well, considering previous events...



That the panic she caused lead to a number of ponies getting very seriously hurt?



Disco: “Did you even watch the show?!”

Ezn: “Come on. It’s My Little Pony. Of course I didn’t.”



You can not just ignore all those past sins as if they did not exist.”



Ezn: >can not just ignore all those past sins as if they did not exist.

>can not just ignore [...] past sins as if [...] did not exist.

Well.

Svensvenderson: So that’s where the title comes from.

Disco: Yeah, there’s no way the readers could have figured it out on their own.

Drizzel: (holds up sarcasm sign)

Crazy56U: (as a certain Canadian) SUBTLE!



“But she doesn’t remember doing any of that! She’s just a filly. She deserves a chance to live, to be happy.”



Ezn: “Just let her bring eternal night to Appleloosa or some other place nopony cares about.”



Celestia’s face turned down,



Ezn: Twilight’s face’s advances, saying it wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.



the princess putting her impressive stature to work,



Ezn: SHAKE IT



overshadowing Twilight as she glared down her pupil.



DiStort: “I’m taller than you. Your argument is invalid.”



“And what if later she turns against Equestria? What if later she attacks me and Luna and locks the kingdom in a night eternal?



Ezn: “And throws away the key eternal!”



Would you have me forgive her then? Would you bear the responsibility of her actions?”



“YES!” Twilight screamed back. “I’ll be responsible! The moment she does anything wrong you can take her away from me and throw me in a dungeon in some place you banish me to!



Vimbert: Yep, check another meme reference off the list.



I’ll take full responsibility!”



Twilight’s fell



Svensvenderson: She has a fell now?

Ezn: I wish I had a fell.

RLYoshi: Those things cost way too much.



quiet at this, her angry screams shifting to soft begging as she looked up at the white princess



Ezn: Your chess game has hax!



who was her teacher and mentor.



RLYoshi: I NEVER KNEW.



“Just... please... don’t take Nyx away from me.”



DiStort: C’mon, Twilight, the repo guys are waiting outside. You know how much they hate being told to leave? A lot.



Before Twilight even realized it, Celestia had moved over to her, the great white alicorn wrapping her wings around her. Twilight tried to resist, but soon found herself crying into Celestia’s chest,



CTOONfan1: piercing it with her horn causing her to stab Celestia's heart.



tears staining the perfectly pristine coat of the princess.



Disco: It was the last thing she saw before she suffocated.



“Twilight, my dearest Twilight... I know you believe Nyx is no threat to anypony.



Disco: “Your gullibility is so endearing.”



You have cared for her, sent her to school... you have done everything in her best interest. Again, I am proud to know that you were willing to take on such responsibility. And I know you believe Nyx is not Nightmare Moon.



Vimbert: “You think you can snow the God-Princess of Equestria just like that? Well you’re wrong!”

Anon13: You need to actually be the Sue to pull that off.



“But I ask you to think about what will happen if you’re wrong. If Nyx grows up, becomes the Nightmare Moon we fear, what will happen to Equestria?



Ezn: “It could end up more fragmented than my sentence!”



How many ponies will she hurt trying to overthrow me and Luna? How many would she panic by causing an eternal night?



Disco: “How many readers would she drive into a frothing rage?”

Ezn: How many rhetorical questions can one story contain?

RLYoshi: Next time on Ponyball Z!



Would you doom the safety and happiness of every pony in Equestria for a single filly?”



Ezn: Blackhole Sue, Blackhole Sue, won’t you come... and wash away the plot... Blackhole Sue, Blackhole Sue...



Twilight was still for a long time,



Ezn: She was training to become a guard (or if that didn’t pan out, a statue).



but then replied by shaking her head from side to side, not removing her face from Celestia’s chest as she continued to cry.



“I promise Twilight, I will not hurt Nyx



Crazy56U: Lies.



unless Spell Nexus is one hundred percent convinced she is Nightmare Moon.



CTOONfan1: Then we shall rip her into tiny adorable shreds.



If there is any doubt, then she will be kept safe



Disco: Encased in carbonite?



until such time that we can be absolutely sure. I do not wish to punish an innocent, Twilight,



DiStort: Y’know, unless it’s REALLY funny.



but I cannot ignore the threat she poses to the kingdom and to my own sister.



Ezn: Your own little sister pony?



“So please, I ask you to trust in my judgement as you have before. Let me take Nyx.”



Disco: Let’s give this fic some dignity.



“Can... can I at least go with her?”



Ezn: “Good idea! Maybe you’re the real Nightmare Moon!”



“No, it will only cause you more pain Twilight... and I think you will have enough to deal with.” Celestia replied, pulling herself away from her unicorn student



Ezn: Spell Nexus sighed deeply.



as her horn began to glow. The library door opened, and within moments Celestia’s guards moved in.



“Take the filly into custody,



Crazy56U: "Yes, that filly is under arrest because I have suspicions of her." ... (facehoof) You could've said that better, lady.



she is in the kitchen.” Celestia offered



Ezn: This is the worst one. Was Pen playing a game of Truth or Challenge where the challenge was to write "offered" over and over?

Vimbert: OVEP: boisterously commanded

Drizzel: OVEP: plainly offered.

Crazy56U: DRIZZEL! (OVEP: suggested)



quietly as she stepped past the guards, heading out for her chariot.



“Understood!” One of the guards replied, the two moving to the kitchen door as Celestia got back to her hooves and began to head towards the door. There was a ruckus in the kitchen, but a few moments later the guards re-emerged from the kitchen, one guiding Nyx towards the door while the other restrained Spike.



“I told you to get her hooves off her!” The baby dragon protested, struggling to free himself.



Crazy56U: "I swear, if this was 'Secret of My Excess', I would WRECK you!"



“Twilight, they’re trying to take Nyx! Do something!”



Ezn: “We’re supposed to use her as the sacrifice to ressurrect Cthulu tomorrow!”



The unicorn remained utterly silent, staring at the library floor as a pool of tears formed at her hooves.



Ezn: The public library thing wasn’t working out, so she was considering opening a public pool instead.



“Twilight... Twilight, don’t let them take me!” Nyx cried, trying to get away from the guard. He, however, quickly scooped the filly up in a front hoof, pinning the little black pony against his chest while he used his wings to hover towards the door.



Ezn: The other, more experienced guard hovered to the door using his eyeballs.



“Twilight... TWILIGHT!!!” Nyx called as she continued to struggle, her eyes starting to fill with tears as the unicorn remained still as stone. “Please, don’t let them take me! Twilight! I’m sorry! If I did something bad I’m sorry! Please, I don’t want to go with them! I don’t want to go Twilight! Twilight.... TWILIGHT!”



Disco: Bye, kiddo! See you in hell!



Nyx’s protests hung in the air



Ezn: where Spike greedily snatched them up and added them to his horde.



as the filly was taken outside to the waiting chariot, where Celestia stood ready for the return trip to Canterlot. Once the guard was close enough Celestia took over dealing with Nyx, the princess drawing the filly



Ezn: a picture of a banana.



into the chariot and using her magic to hold Nyx inside.



“Twilight, what are you doing!? Don’t tell me you’re going to let them take Nyx!” Spike half shouted,



Disco: half offered

Anon13: Disco!

DiStort: FOR SHAME, DISCO.

Crazy56U: SON, I AM DISAPPOINT!

Ezn: OVEP: rambunctiously half-chortled



only to find himself being pushed back into the kitchen a moment later.



Ezn: “Make me a sandwich, girl!” shouted the guard.



The guard who had restrained the dragon then used a chair to pin the door shut. With Spike contained the guard glanced once to Twilight before heading out of the library to join the princess and other guards.



Despite all this the unicorn continued to remain still, the only thing she could do.



Ezn: Twilight was resolute in her dreams of becoming a royal guard.



Every fiber of her being was telling Twilight to run out and steal Nyx back but... but the princess was right. She knew she was right. It was the logical answer.



Disco: Common Sense Syndrome claims another victim.



She had just been kidding herself for the past few months. If Nyx was Nightmare Moon, then she was putting all of Equestria in danger.



DiStort: And you can’t just round up your friends and make her taste the rainbow again because...?



This was what needed to happen... it was the only thing that made logical sense.



CTOONfan1: Logic? You're using logic NOW? This is when logic is SUPPOSED to be thrown out the window!



They needed to be sure Nyx wasn’t Nightmare Moon, and if she was... then...



Crazy56U: I love this part. It seems like Celestia's silver tongue managed to rework Twilight's mindset into thinking her mentor's right...



“MOMMY!!!”



Svensvenderson: And this is where the manure hits the fan, colts and fillies.

Disco: Can someone open a window, please?

Crazy56U: PANTS TO BE DARKENED!



Twilight’s head snapped up, eyes narrowed into dots.



WHAT WAS SHE DOING!?!?!?!



Ezn: Horribly abusing grammar and typography.

Svensvenderson: Finally, the fic asks what everypony else has been asking since the prologue.

Disco: How meta!

Crazy56U: Only for Twilight to realize how stupid that was. A positive use of Common Sense Syndrome!



It didn’t matter if Nyx was Nightmare Moon or not. It didn’t matter if someday Nyx would bring about the destruction of Equestria. Nyx... Nyx was her daughter. It didn’t matter if this was the logical choice, that Celestia thought this was what had to happen. Twilight had treated the filly like her own flesh and blood child. Nyx was her daughter... and Twilight was her mother.



Ezn: This kinda stuff happens when you hang around time-travellers in blue boxes.



And no real mother lets her daughter get taken away without a fight.



Disco: Or at least a feeble, laughable attempt at it.



Without a moment’s pause Twilight



Ezn: smiled and swept the sweat off her brow, saying “Thank goodness I’m not a real mother!”



bolted for the door, horn already glowing. She didn’t know what she was going to do;



Disco: It’s not like she’s thought anything else through, after all.

Crazy56U: She decided to channel her inner Kool-Aid Man and burst through the door.

CTOONfan1: She just ran out the door screaming "LEEROY JENKINS!"



she couldn’t really hope to face off against Celestia and the royal guards... but she couldn’t just let them take Nyx away. She’d do what she could, she’d fight with all the magic she had... even if it got her thrown in a dungeon or banished.



Ezn: Or banished and then thrown in a- *is shot*

Svensvenderson: No, we’d never be that lucky.

Wild Trotter: Or worse still, molested by Celestia.



Nyx deserved that much.



Disco: She deserved far, far worse.



But by the time Twilight got outside it was too late.



Ezn: Twilight met Late Hour and became her pretend mother instead.



The chariot had taken off, and was now flying away. Twilight tried to chase it, running with her eyes turned skyward. It was something doomed for disaster



Disco: Like this entire story.



as Twilight didn’t watch the path ahead and tripped, crash



GelidEnmity: Bandicoot.



ing down hard on the ground. When she looked up again the chariot was even father away, being whisked back to Canterlot by the strong wings of the royal guards who pulled it.



DiStort: Little late on the draw there, Twilight.



Twilight broke down into tears



Ezn: of joy



right there, not caring who saw her or where she was as she cried openly.



Ezn: She couldn’t wait for the Emo Pride March any longer.



She had just done the unforgivable. Even if Nyx was returned to her the next day, even if Nyx was officially decreed to not be Nightmare Moon...



CTOONfan1: She would always be the Mary Sue people love to hate.



she would never be able to forgive herself for what she had done.



Disco: Nor would half the fanbase.

Drizzel: The other half would strangly be alright with it.



It all came rushing in too fast, the realizations and pains filling the unicorn to the brim.



Ezn: Damn waiters watered it down with ice, though.



She couldn’t cry hard enough and fast enough.



Ezn: She was going to lose the Best Young Criers Competition.



The pain was just too severe. In the end, Twilight couldn’t contain it all and there,



CTOONfan1: She exploded twice.



she screamed. She cried out to the night with the loudest, most pain filled voice that had ever escaped her lips.



“NYX!!!!”



Crazy56U: Yep, the loudest scream she could muster. Which is why we turned down the volume.

Disco: KHHHAAAAAANNN!

Crazy56U: WHHHEEEAAATTTOOONNN!

Private Sprinkles: FREE BIRD!

Wild Trotter: NNNEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!

RLYoshi: HAAAARRRRYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Drizzel: WOLVERINES!!!

Crazy56U: I AM A MAN!!! (punch)

RingmasterJ5: THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Anon13: Fluttershy: yay!



============



Spell Nexus stood, slate gray eyes focused on the chariot that approached from the sky. He stood just outside a door,



Disco: hooves freshly polished,

Drizzel: And eyeshadow delicately applied.



the entrance into the grand throne room of the palace. Inside, the Children of Nightmare worked to set up the spell, though they did not look the part of Nightmare Moon’s followers.



Wild Trotter: Nor the part of the members of the future Lunar Republic.



No, for the moment the cult



Ezn: had decided to mix things up with Sailor Moon cosplay instead.



looked simply as ponies Nexus had brought to assist with the spell. The royal guards were none the wiser.



DiStort: Wasn’t easy to get them to take off their official cult tour jackets, lemme tell you.

Crazy56U: They didn't even notice the one pony wearing the "I ♥ Nightmare Moon" shirt.



The royal chariot came down from the sky, landing at the door. Celestia stepped down, and soon after a pair of guards moved to the chariot and brought the now sleeping Nyx.



“I was forced to use a sedation spell.



Wild Trotter: "A dozen of them, I meant. Boy was she a doozy."



I... I could not bear to hear her crying as she was.”



DiStort: “You ever played Yoshi’s Island, Nexus? Yeah, take crying Baby Mario and like, quadruple it. Worse than hooves on a chalkboard.”

Crazy56U: Nexus: “Oh my Celestia.”

CTOONfan1: She just kept screaming stupid things like "Mommy!" and "Help!"

Crazy56U: (massages temples) T-thanks for that, really.



Celestia admitted, watching as the guards carried Nyx inside the throne room.



“One with a heart as tender as yours should not have to pry such a young filly away from the mare who cared for her.” Nexus offered



Anon13: OVEP: ridiculously mouth-farted

Crazy56U: OVEP: jibber-jabbered

Anon13: I pity the foal!



solemnly. “Hopefully, you shall be able to return her to Twilight unharmed in the morning.”



“No...the harm has already been done Nexus.”



Ezn: “The space after my ellipsis is lost forever.”



Celestia countered as she and the dark blue unicorn moved into the throne room. “If Nyx is truly not Nightmare Moon...



CTOONfan1: "I may have been overly out of character for no good reason."



then the harm I’ve done to her and Twilight... I doubt I will ever truly be able to make amends.”



Disco: Or you could just retcon everything.

Ezn: I see what you did there.

Crazy56U: "Yeah, if I'm wrong, then I've lost all my brownie points with those two."



Nexus offered



Ezn: OVEP: violently spewed forth



no words in reply as he and the princess moved across the hall. Nyx’s sleeping form was



Ezn: filled out in triplicate.



placed in the center of the complicated spell which had been setup in the royal throne room. Four columns stood in a perfect square



Ezn: still as guards



about the center, torches burning at their tops. Unicorns that Nexus had brought in to aid with the spell, secret members of the Children of Nightmare, fed their magic into the columns which glowed with ancient runes.



Ezn: OM NOM NOM



At Nexus’s request, Celestia remained back while he moved towards the sleeping Nyx.



Wild Trotter: No doubt checking to see if she was breathing.

Batman_the_Dino: She was, and he became aroused.

Crazy56U: WOW. There’s that urge to bathe again!



His horn began to glow, and from the top of the four columns that stood around the room threads of light began to take shape.



Isphone: Only to be derailed by a spider mare thread.



As thin as spider web,



Ezn: And suddenly this fic was The Spiderses.



the lines of magic floated and danced in the air as if caressed by an unfelt wind.



Ezn: Whatever gets you off, man.



It was the kind of threads of magic that made up Celestia’s manes, magic that flowed with its own accord.



Ezn: It’s a kind of thread of magic!



Nexus used his magic to pull on the threads, draw them close to him as he began to weave them together.



Svensvenderson: Within moments, he had a really nice blanket.

Disco: It was fabulous!



With a few minutes of time,



Ezn: and some metres of space



Nexus had tied the threads of magic into a square frame that hung centered above Nyx.



Ezn: Hipster Rarity approves of this avant-garde artwork.



One of the ponies aiding in the spell brought Nexus a pitcher of water, the unicorn drawing the water out with his magic before throwing it up at the frame of magic. The water soared through, rising above the frame before coming back down. But instead of falling all the way to the floor the water crashed again an invisible barrier, pooling and settling.



In the end, the threads of magic looked as if they were supporting a square of perfectly still water in the air above Nyx, water that slowly began to turn from transparent to reflective.



Ezn: I want to read about the water’s character arc instead of Nyx’s!



The spell was cast, and Nexus motioned towards Celestia, allowing the princess to draw close.



“A spirit mirror.”



Ezn: And then this fic became Fallout Equestria once more.

Crazy56U: Spell Nexus: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the prettiest of us all?"

Mirror: "You know how uncomfortable that question makes me-"

Spell Nexus: "JUST ANSWER!"



Nexus offered



Ezn: OVEP: daringly put forward, revolutionising academia



as he motioned to the surface of water, which now looked as liquid



Ezn: as



silver,



Ezn: isn’t

Drizzel: (slap) Proper sentences man!



reflecting the scene below it. “A rare bit of magic, from a far kingdom beyond Equestria.



Ezn: “I’ve heard they’ve got this amazing way of wrapping up winter!”



It can show much about those who are caught in its reflection. With but a touch, it can be changed to reflect so many things.”



Nexus reached out his magic, and gave the surface of water a gentle touch.



Ezn: LOW BATTERY. Please recharge your iReflection.

RLYoshi: And of course Stonewall forgot to bring the charger.



The single ripple cascaded across the surface, and with the ripple the reflection changed. Suddenly, both Nexus and Celestia looked as fillies



Ezn: Nexus made an especially pretty filly.



in the mirror’s reflection, no older than Nyx.



“It can show us what we once were, our fears, our dreams...



Wild Trotter: "Not to mention our inner lusts... buuuut I digress."



but



Ezn: only if you upgrade the firmware and purchase additional modules.



for tonight, we simply wish to see the reflection of our souls.” Nexus added, touching the liquid mirror once more on the far side, the ripple cascading slowly across the surface. “For most ponies, a soul looks very much like their normal bodies, though there may be slight differences. They may look better, and sometimes even worse... especially if the pony had endured a hardship or great pain. But, it does show who a pony truly is.”



Ezn: And then this fic became The Glass Blower.

Svensvenderson: Nexus’ reflection has ‘DUMBASS’ tattooed across the forehead.

Anon13: So does everyone else’s.

Wild Trotter: And Nexus, despite his nickname, is probably the LEAST stupid character in this fanfic... and even that's not really saying much.



The ripple cascaded across the liquid surface of the mystic mirror. It passed over the reflection of Celestia, the sun princess looking once more in her regal size though there was a fresh wound across her chest, right over where her heart would be. A sign of the pain Celestia was feeling for having to rip Twilight away from the black filly.



Wild Trotter: And unbeknownst to her, several hidden lumps on the back of her head. A sign of the severe loss of intelligence for her involvement in this fanfic.



For Nexus, his reflection was all but the same, though his coat shifted to become several shades darker and his eyes were turquoise in the image.



Svensvenderson: “I’m not a villain!”

Ezn: “I’m just a fashion victim!”



But as the ripple passed over Nyx’s reflection,



DiStort: all that came up was “ANSWER UNCERTAIN. ASK AGAIN LATER.”



the little black filly was replaced with a pony far larger, clad in



Wild Trotter: A pony's equivalent of a dominatrix outfit.

Drizzel: A saddle?



midnight blue armor and with a mane and tail of flowing magic. And for a time, Celestia and Nexus just stared at that reflection, the sun princess having to draw in a short breath and shut her eyes. She mouth words to herself, not putting voice behind them but saying her apology in utter silence.



“I am so sorry Twilight.”



Disco: “I’m so sorry that I’m in this story.”

Crazy56U: “I’m so sorry... that I’m going to enjoy what I’m about to do, that is.”



Celestia let this apology linger on her mind and lips for but a moment before she opened her eyes, the pink orbs once again becoming firm and cold as determination swelled up in the princess’s



Ezn: loins.



reflection. A strong visage, which hid the wound deep in the princess’s heart.



“Then the truth is revealed. Nexus, we will need to begin preparations to dis-spell Nyx. The truth of her origin and her existence cannot be denied now.”



Disco: It has its own wiki link!



“No... it cannot.” Nexus offered



Batman_the_Dino: OVEP: steamily announced, rubbing his horn



in reply, his horn starting to glow. “She is who she is... Equestria’s true queen.”



Disco: Lauren Faust!

Wild Trotter: "If she ends up requiring her subjects in her bedchambers, however... they are on their own."



Before Celestia could properly process what Nexus had said she felt the power of several unicorns grab her.



CTOONfan1: DOGPILE!



In a single solid push the princess was thrown across the room, her body crashing into the doors and nearly breaking through them.



Crazy56U: Nearly? ...the Kool-Aid Man is SEVERELY disappointed with her.



The sun princess, however, was back on her hooves in a matter of moments, glaring down the group of ponies that had attacked her.



DiStort: Somepony’s taking a trip in the moon cannon.



All the ponies that had been about the room, setting up the spell to determine the truth about



Ezn: Soylent Green



Nyx, had now formed a tight group around Nexus,



CTOONfan1: And began to sing and dance in a pre-choreographed fashion.

Anon13: All we wanna do is frown, frown, froooown, fill our hearts up with nightmare, nightmare...



who looked back across the hall at Celestia with a smile, his slate gray eyes replaced with a striking, familiar turquoise.



Ezn: “I have more followers than you! Nya-nya-na-nya-na!”



“For the night eternal, for Equestria’s true queen!”



Wild Trotter: "And for everlasting fabulousity!"



Nexus called, grinning devilishly before his horn lit up. In a moment the enchanted stone columns, which were supporting the mystical liquid mirror, changed color.



Ezn: Fashions change quickly in Equestria.



Instead of glowing a soft white their color changed to



Wild Trotter: Plaid.

Drizzel: Or worse; turquoise.



a harsh red, a red that grew brighter and brighter as it enveloped Nexus and all the ponies. Then, with a flash of light, it all disappeared.



It was all too late that Celestia realized the treachery that thrived in her royal court.



Disco: She’s only caught on to this now? How the hell did someone so oblivious last that long?!

DiStort: It’s just like I said, Disco. Prolonged exposure to Nyx has infected Celestia with Stupid.

Crazy56U: Huh... I guess Lord Helmet was right after all... ...although, in truth, I put my money on marker huffing.

Wild Trotter: Paint sniffing's my guess.

Ungulateman: Well, she needs to dye her hair some way or another. Paint keeps.



============



FLASH...



Disco: Savior of the Universe!



KRAC-CROOO-OOOM!



Svensvenderson: Hey Sound Guy, you’re back!

Disco: And he’s brought the Polish Nightmare Moon with him!



Nexus and the rest of the Children of Nightmare appeared in the center of Ponyville,



Disco: Yes, perform your secret ritual in plain sight. How many orange juice shots has Epic Failure had tonight?

Crazy56U: It's Epic Failure. The proper question is how many he DIDN'T have.

Batman_the_Dino: And the proper answer is two, which were enjoyed by Spike and Twilight, hoping to drown their sorrows.

Drizzel: FOOL! Epic failure is drunk on fabulousness!



their arrival announced with the a flash of light and a rumbling sound of thunder ten times louder than what any storm could produce.



Ezn: If only their music was as inspiring as their pyrotehcnics.



It was a thunder that woke every pony in the town from their sleep, many drawing outside to see



Ezn: how good they were at drawing abstract concepts.



where the noise had come from.



“Form a perimeter.” Nexus said to the ponies around him. “Let none draw near.



Ezn: “The Pictionary grand prize shall be mine!”



The spell that will finish our queen’s resurrection has already begun, but it will take time for her to draw in the magic needed.”



Svensvenderson: Good thing they didn’t do anything that might draw attention to themselves.

DiStort: “Don’t forget to set up the giant glowing weak spots, guys! We gotta do this by the book!”

Crazy56U: "Yeah, and be sure nopony attacks them for massive damage! ...granted, that applies to crabs, but still!"



The cult members nodded, quickly spreading out, the earth ponies and unicorns forming a tight ring of bodies around the still glowing red pillars while the pegasi took to the sky and circled, becoming a threatening air force. Other members of the cult, who had been told to wait in Ponyville, quickly began to rush from the nearby homes and shops. They brought with them saddle bags filled with cloaks, the members of the order donning their uniforms while their eyes changed to turquoise.



Disco: Ponyville can’t handle that much fabulousity!



Among those who had been waiting in Ponyville were Night Wind, Gray Gale, and Stonewall



DiStort: Wonder what he forgot this time.



... Nexus’s lieutenants.



Crazy56U: In case you transmogrified into a goldfish in between chapters.

RLYoshi: In which case how in the hell are you reading this?

Drizzel: Blub glub?



Joined by them was another in armor, a thin earth pony with a regal blue mane and a gently turned mustache.



CTOONfan1: He was quite fabulous.

Anon13: But not more than Epic Failure if he knew what was good for him.



To the locals, he was known as Horte Cuisine,



Crazy56U: Even when a cult's plan is nearing completion, there still will be a broken wiki link.



a waiter at a local restaurant.



Ezn: and the owner of a broken wiki link.



To a certain pink pony, he had been a spy to be hunted.



Disco: To everyone else, he was just a useless earth pony.



To Nexus, Horte Cuisine was the informant that was his eyes and ears at the Learn and Play Day held by Ponyville Elementary.



Ezn: To his family, he was a... wait, never mind.



Somepony in the community, one who would not be suspected of being an agent.



CTOONfan1: Mainly because no one cared who he was.



After all, who would think that a pony that brings food would be working for a cult



Disco: They’ve obviously never heard of Jonestown.

Crazy56U: Yeah. Only the cool cults engage in mass suicide; these guys are posers.



bent on resurrecting a



Wild Trotter: former memetic sex goddess?

Drizzel: Hi, TV Tropes!



fallen princess?



DiStort: Well GEE, when you put it like that.



“So, is it really her?” Gray Gale asked,



DiStort: Wow. The Stupid is even spreading to the bad guys. It’s an epidemic!



looking at the black filly who was still sedated from Celestia’s spell.



“Yes, the mirror confirmed it. Our queen lies before us.” Nexus offered,



Ezn: OVEP: gleefully squeed

Crazy56U: That... disturbingly enough fits.



looking skyward. The red glowing columns were acting as magnets,



Ezn: keeping the Mormon ponies occupied.



drawing in the wild magical energy that lingered in the air. Amongst that magic were trails of purple smoke, which began to circle and spin, spiraling down like water in a whirlpool before feeding into the sleeping Nyx, who physically began to grow and mature.



DiStort: Cover your ears and eyes, everypony. She’s about to go through puberty.

Crazy56U: OH GOD NO! (hides under the table)

Drizzel: I CAN'T LOOK AWAY! AAAAAAHHHH-(BOOM)-(BOOM)



“Should we be worried about the villagers?” Stonewall asked, seeing the crowd of ponies growing very quickly, drawn in by the bright glowing red color of the columns, which was visible from everywhere in Ponyville.



Ezn: “As long as they pay for their autographs, it’s all good.”



“Our brothers and sisters will keep the crowd at bay,



Crazy56U: "Be sure to use the pepper spray!"



and Celestia will not be able to follow us quickly enough to interfere.



Disco: There’s no way an omnipotent goddess could stand against our plans!



Look, our queen is already at half the size she should be.



Ezn: “ Nexus half-cackled.

Drizzel: Half-sneezed.

Ungulateman: Half-baked.

Disco: Half-assed.

Ungulateman: Much like this story.



We have nothing to fear... nopony can stop us.”



Svensvenderson: Once again, Epic Failure shows us how he earned that name.

Disco: How long do you think it’ll take for this to crash and burn?

Crazy56U: 10 bucks says fate throws him a curve-ball.



============



Twilight galloped at a full sprint towards the center of the village,



Crazy56U: She hoped to reach 88MPH and undo the earlier stupidity seen in the chapter.

Drizzel: One point twenty one jigawatts?!



Spike barely holding onto her back. She had seen the flash of light, heard the thunder, but more importantly was that she



Ezn: really wanted to meet the SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE.



had felt something. It was the same feeling that had caught her off guard when she and her friends were searching Everfree Forest for Nyx. It was the same strange feeling that told Twilight where to find Nyx.



Ezn: She was hungry.



And it was a feeling that told Twilight that Nyx was in the center of town.



Disco: The flashy magical spells and cross-dressing cultists weren’t obvious enough.



The unicorn rounded a corner and saw the huge crowd of ponies gathered around the glowing red stone columns in the center of the town. She also saw the ponies that were keeping the crowd away from said columns, recognizing the cloaks.



Disco: It’s the CMC!

Ezn: “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER PLOT DEVICES YAY!”

RLYoshi: What would a plot device cutie mark look like?

Anon13: Duh... Nyx.

Crazy56U: My guess? Pen Stoke at a typewriter, smoking a cigarette.



It was the cult who had kidnapped her, and if they had Nyx...



Twilight felt her blood turn to ice,



Disco: FATALITY!

DiStort: Pony Ermac must’ve called up Pony Sub-Zero.



the unicorn entering a panic as she tried to push her way through the crowd and get closer. She... she could stop this, she could still stop it.



Svensvenderson: The power of positive thinking, everypony.

Disco: Delusion is Magic!



She could make up for letting Celestia take Nyx, she could still save the filly. She just had to get through the crowd, she just had too...



Anon13: much faith in the author



A crack of thunder made Twilight stop in her tracks, eyes turning skyward. Above the town, trails of purple smoke circled, conducting sparks of fierce blue energy. The crack came as a surge of energy spread out across the sky, spreading across the night sky like a ripple across a pond.



Disco: Thundercats, HOOO!

Drizzel: I have the power!

Crazy56U: I AM EVERYTHING!



The ring of energy, however, then abruptly stopped and began flowing back, drawing into a single tight sphere in the air right about the center of town. The purple smoke and other lingering magics in the air were drawn into the growing sphere of energy, and, then with a single crack of thunder, all that energy flowed down to the center of the spell being cast, striking the black pony who laid there on the ground.



Disco: Hey, something smells good! What’s cooking?

Drizzel: Mary Sue. It tastes like sparkly chicken.



============



Nyx awoke just as the last of the magic fed into her, body crackling with the last traces of energy. She lifted herself off the ground, standing up taller than she had ever stood before. She looked down as the five ponies that had been standing around her quickly back up and bowed.



And as Nyx looked upon them, she began to smile... and then laugh. It wasn’t the giggle of a filly but more of a dry chuckle, one that grew in volume, becoming loud and haughty.



DiStort: She remembered a joke she had heard and just got the punchline.



The alicorn then raised her head, looking at the night sky as her laughter became deafening, ringing loudly over the dead silence that had fallen in Ponyville and taken on a crazed, maniacal quality. It was the laughter of somepony who had just realized a great and terrible truth.



Crazy56U: Well, it's official. She became aware of the characterization Pen Stroke gave her. (hides under table)



She finally understood everything.



DiStort: “Oh! Forty-two! Now I get it.”

Svensvenderson: Like how hot dog buns come in packages of 8, but hot dogs come in packages of 10?

Disco: Does she know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Wild Trotter: Does she even know about... gulp ...shipping stories?

RLYoshi: "Everything... I vant to know... everything!"



She understood why she woke up in the Everfree Forest when she did. She understood why she had memories of fighting Twilight and wanting to harm her.



Disco: All that repressed trauma finally bubbled to the surface.



She understood why she was able to say those lines in that school play so well. And she finally understood why she looked the way she did.



She remembered what she was. Who she was.



CTOONfan1: A large plot device meant to evoke emotion from the readers?

Disco: The biggest Mary Sue in recent memory?



Nyx turned her gaze away from the night sky, looking at the huge crowd of ponies that filled the center of Ponyville. Ponies who had towered over her mere moments before, but were now dwarfed by her stature. She remembered another time when she stood over them, looking upon their sun loving faces. How, on the day of the Summer Sun celebration,



Crazy56U: She had the audacity of interrupting that party Pinkie had for Summer Sun. THE NERVE.



they looked on her with fear, even though they didn’t know who she was.



Now they were looking over her with greater fear, for they now knew who she was. It should have made her happy to be able to inspire such fear in them.



Instead…it made her feel uneasy….but why?



CTOONfan1: Do I sense a change in character due to experiences in her past?



Nyx gave a very slight shake of the head to banish the thought,



CTOONfan1: Of course not, that'd be stupid.



putting on a wicked smile



Svensvenderson: “Wicked smile, dude!”



before beginning to speak with her normal tone of voice that managed to be regal, smooth, and threatening all at the same time.



“My friends, neighbors….subjects….



Crazy56U: “Lend me your hooves... wait, I did that wrong. BUCK.”



why do you look at me with such fear?



DiStort: Dude, turn around, Slendermane is RIGHT behind you.

Crazy56U: Please show him the way out. We don't need this to go all "Marble Hornets" on us.



You of all ponies should feel honored! For you will be able to tell your children and your children’s children that it was you who witnessed the queen’s rebirth, when she gained flesh of her own.



CTOONfan1: You witnessed the moment the story got good.

Anon13: Define ‘good’.

Svensvenderson: Better than ‘Magic is Believing’.



That it was you who witness her moment of accession and enlightenment… and that it was you who showed her kindness when she was incomplete.”



Ezn: “And it was you who first shared my royal tick infestation!”



Nyx took a step forward, moving past the cloaked ponies who bowed to her and moving into the crowd of scared Ponyville residents.



Ezn: The rent was cheaper there.



Those she approached quickly moved out of the way, clearing a path, as they should.



Ezn: Well, yeah. Ticks.



“Yes, I was among you this entire time, though I was by no means trying to deceive you…though it is very easily within my power to do so now if I choose.



DiStort: Well, considering you just told them that...



No, I truly had no idea where I was, what was going on…who I was. And yet you graciously accepted me into your town. When I take what is rightfully mine, I’ll be sure to remember your kindness… as long as you obey and give me the respect I deserve.”



RLYoshi: The respect you deserve? Okay. (pulls out shotgun)



Nyx continued to walk through the crowd, none of them daring to move, speak, or take their eyes off her.



Ezn: DAT FLANK



“There are, however, those who deserved to be mentioned. Ponies who deserve special thanks, for without them I may not be standing here tonight, my power once again at its peak and my mind clear. Among those are two very special fillies. Now, I wonder where they could be. Ah, there you are…Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.”



Wild Trotter: "Doing a more... intimate Sugarlump Rump shake, I see."



An entire group of ponies suddenly back away,



Ezn: tripping on the tense-changing switch as they go



the two young fillies in question shaking in their hooves as Nyx now towered over them like a giant.



Drizzel: "Banana?"

Crazy56U: Well they ARE a good source of potassium...



“Yes, everypony, take a good, long look at these two. When I was still but a confused and curious filly, it was they who set me up with a prank, a prank that lead me to wander the Everfree Forest. And it was there, amongst the trees, that I came across some of the lingering bits of my magic. It was because of them that I made it to the ruins of the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, where I regained my most important memories…and regained enough of my power to attract the attention of those who would finish the spell to give me a life and body of my own, no longer bound to that foal Luna.



“Yes, you could say that they are directly and fully responsible for me being able to stand among you as I am, for without that fateful trip I may have simply stayed a harmless little filly.”



Disco: They also stole cookies.

DiStort: And that’s terrible.



Nyx leaned her head down, staring at the two fillies who were now terrified beyond belief from the very same pony they had once bullied and teased. Nyx, however, gave them the most gentlest of smiles. “Thank you, you two,” She offered



Ezn: OVEP: surreptitiously spat



in her sweetest voice, which felt like poison in the fillies’ ears. “From the bottom of my heart for helping me change from a nerd into a queen.”



Crazy56U: OK, I know Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are jerks, but singling them out as the main reason you're now Nightmare Moon? ...I'm shocked that I have to say this, but... that's a little... harsh.

RLYoshi: That's not the important part! The point is that they stole cookies! AND. THAT'S. TERRIBLE.

Crazy56U: OK, that joke is running thin. Knock it off.



At that Nyx stood up again, smirking maliciously as several ponies began to glare at the two fillies with the highest levels of anger and contempt. Oh yes...this was a revenge much sweeter than merely beating them in a game of tug-a-war. Maybe her new subjects might do her a favor and take care of the two eyesores for her.



DiStort: That would be the first thing Nyx has ever done that I approve of.



“N-Nyx? Is that you?... Why are you doing this? What’s wrong?”



Nyx froze at hearing the small voice, her body become rigid



Ezn: Bodyboner? Chris Hansen wants a word, NMM.

Crazy56U: EYES. PAIN. BURNING.

Drizzel: Actually Nyx is part fainting goat.



as her dragon-shaped iris pulsated feverishly with surprise. She let her eyes fall to the source of the voice,



Ezn: and immediately grew new ones

Ungulateman: Pointy ones.



seeing a single young filly staring up at her. It was Scootaloo, the orange pegasus looking at Nyx not with eyes filled with fear but ones brimming with sadness and confusion.



Ezn: “You dropped these, lady.”



For a moment, Nyx remembered that Scootaloo lived near the center of town,



CTOONfan1: at least according to Pen Stroke.



which would explain why she was so close to the center of the crowd.



She, however, could not stand to meet Scootaloo’s gaze or speak a direct reply to the orange pegasus’ question. She could only close her eyes, making a violent turn as she moved through the crowd in the opposite direction.



She only stopped after taking several steps, casting her head back, but keeping her eyes closed. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Scootaloo.



RLYoshi: She was an embarrassment to chickens everywhere.



“No, I am not Nyx... or, more accurately, I am her no longer.”



Ezn: “I will now be addressed as The Pony Formerly Known As Nyx!”



With those few words spoken, Nyx then turned her head forward again. She then caught sight of a familiar mulberry pony in the crowd, Cheerilee.



Ezn: “Sweet hat, Cheer,” she said.



Instantly Nyx’s mind latched onto verbally attacking the teacher, if only to forget that Scootaloo was watching her from a distance.



“Hello, Cheerilee, my teacher.



CTOONfan1: "Yep. She taught me everything I know. Just thought you should know that too."

Crazy56U: Random Crowd Member: (shouts) “Stop explaining things that the audience already knows; they aren’t stupid!”



Yes, I am no longer Nyx... but I am sure you could tell all these ponies who I really am.



Wild Trotter: "And no, I certainly do not remember you doing any "F Grade" drinking games with Twilight." (beat) "Wait, what?"



After all, you saw the resemblance just as everypony else did. And was it not you who called me ‘wicked and dastardly’?



Ezn: “WAH! YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!”



Was that not why I was perfect for the part in your little spring play?”



Svensvenderson: You mean the one you suggested?

Disco: And blatantly plagiarized?



Cheerilee shakily took a few steps back, cringing as Nyx’s mystical blue mane held and flicked at her chin. The fear was easy to see, Cheerilee watching the mane as if it would



Wild Trotter: French kiss her the first opportunity it got.



strike out like a snake at any moment, but after a few tense seconds Nyx stepped away, her eyes drawn to a pony that was forcing her way through the crowd. Within moments the purple unicorn push herself through a final few ponies, coming to a stop directly in front of Nyx... her eyes streaming with tears, both ones fresh and others that had long dried.



Ezn: “No, Sparkler, I’m not going to use my magic mane to open your peanut butter jar.”



“Hello, Twilight, my savior, my best friend…and the only one I have ever called ‘mother’.” Nyx said coolly. “Are you here to lie to me again? Tell me that I’m not a ‘bitter, vengeance driven mare’? Tell me that the most obvious answer is wrong even when the proof is right in front of your face? Try to comfort me with false words!?



DiStort: “Depends. Are you still thick enough to believe me?”

Drizzel: The Crowd: Ooooooohhh.



“Or are you here to apologize to me? To beg and grovel at my hooves? Admit that you were wrong to keep this information from me? Or were you simply so desperate to care for a filly of your own that you didn’t want to believe the truth?”



Disco: “Or are you really that stupid?!”



Twilight couldn’t bring herself to say anything,



CTOONfan1: mainly because she totally did.



which made Nyx furrowed her brows and grit her teeth.





“Well?!? ANSWER ME!!!”



Crazy56U: HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!



Nyx shouted, anger



Ezn: and exclamation points



welling up inside her from the mere sight of Twilight.



CTOONfan1: Twilight just gives off that "anger" feeling.



It was, however, not anger from Twilight’s past actions,



Ezn: Actions? Way to pass up a title slip, Pen!

Crazy56U: As if he cares anymore; he gave up on the readers a while back.



from the part she played in Nyx’s defeat. It was not even anger spawned by the



Ezn: love of a Mommy anger and a Daddy anger.



pain of having her very soul and mind torn apart by the Elements of Harmony, at least that wasn’t the core of her current anger.



No, the core of the anger



Ezn: took a whole lot of licks to get to.

Drizzel: Or you know, three.

Crazy56U: If the third lick is a bite, of course.



she felt came from a sense of betrayal. From her feeling that she had been lied to…had been abandoned.



“You have nothing to say….how typical.”



Disco: Just like an Earth pony.

Ezn: Twilight: “Well, I never! Calling me an earth pony! The nerve!”



Nyx offered when, after several seconds, Twilight still couldn’t muster a reply.



Ezn: Thankfully, she couldn’t offer one either.



“You also said nothing when you let the Royal Guard take me away



DiStort: Twilight replied: “In my defense, it was really funny.”



…which lead to this very moment. Thank you so much for abandoning the only pony you called your daughter.”



Crazy56U: I... I... I... got... nothing.

Wild Trotter: "And you didn't even tell me of your affair with Celestia!? For shame!"

Crazy56U ...for some reason, that isn’t helping for me...



Nyx turned, unable to stand looking at Twilight another moment longer.



Wild Trotter: No doubt further embittered by Twilight's secret romance with her teacher, all things considered.



She could feel her eyes trying to water,



Ezn: the roses at her feet



but by sheer will and anger she



Ezn: let them wilt, much to the flower ponies’ horror.



made them stop and dry.



CTOONfan1: Will and anger are hotter than the sun she hates.



She shut them, and, as she walked away, she offered



Batman_the_Dino: OVEP: tumultuously defenstrated



a few final words to Twilight.



“I am ashamed that I had ever called you my mother.”



Drizzel: ...ouch.

CTOONfan1: FATALITY.

Crazy56U: (ALL OF THE FACEHOOF)

Disco: Ugh, this is going to leave a mark.

RLYoshi: Being serious for a minute... am I the only one who literally cringed at this when reading the story the first time?

Crazy56U: (rubs head) Nnnnnnope.



The black alicorn moved back towards the center of the crowd, to the area that had been left clear by the ponies in cloaks. The five who had been standing around her when she first awakened galloped up, quickly bowing as the blue unicorn spoke.



RLYoshi: "The Great and Powerful Trixie demands some form of recognition!"



“Nightmare Moon, our most powerful and majestic Queen.” The unicorn of the group offered



Ezn: OVEP: boot-lickingly grovelled



to Nyx who, despite her missing armor, eye shadow,



CTOONfan1: Nightmare Moon is Batman?

Crazy56U: B-b-but Captain Falcon is Batman! Proton Jon said so! (sad face)



and cutie mark,



DiStort: Ah, that’s what Stonewall forgot.

Disco: Hasbro’s toy accuracy standards have hit rock bottom.



was truly the same mare they had long to see in her full glory.



CTOONfan1: How does a queen work? We've had princesses for so long.

Crazy56U: Let me consult an expert. … Okay... “Как мне кажется, да.” ...that’s the last time I buy a Magic 8-Ball from eBay.



“Celestia and Luna can be seen in the distance along with a large contingent of the royal guard.



Ezn: “Nope, that’s a terrible opening sentence. Start your fic with something less telly.”



It would not be wise to linger here and face the Royal Sisters. You are reborn but your power may not be complete. Let us retreat so that you can gather your strength, so that, when you are ready, you can bring the princesses beneath your hoof.”



Wild Trotter: "And have them be... your slaves."

Drizzel: "If you know what I mean." "...No I don't sorry."



Nyx looked at the unicorn, smiling. Already there were those who were willing to accept her,



CTOONfan1: even with all of her faults.



to regard her with the same respect they had for the Royal Sisters.



Ezn: Uuh, “bring the princesses beneath your hoof”? This has disturbing masochism connotations.



“I assume you have someplace prepared.”



“Of course, my Queen.”



Disco: “It has all the Appledash fics ever written.”



The black alicorn offered



Ezn: OVEP: twisted her evil lips into a cruel mockery of



a smile, turning back to the crowd.



“Remember this night well ,” She called out, “For it marks the beginning of the end of the old order of Equestria! Treasure the days that come, for they shall be your last! For soon, the night shall last forever and I, Nightmare Moon, shall be Equestria’s one true queen!”



Wild Trotter: More of a true queen than Lauren Faust? Oh Nyx, surely you jest.

Drizzel: I do not jest but I like that name; Nyx Shirely.



With that Nightmare Moon broke into



Ezn: Six pieces, bringing this story to an anticlimatic end. The moral is “don’t buy your evil cult ressurection of a goddess spells from the side of the road”.



her maniacal laughter, her mystical mane swirling. The magical aura consumed all the cloaked cult ponies,



Ezn: and got a nasty tummyache.



drawing them up in the swirling magic before, in a single flash, they all disappeared into the night, leaving the shocked ponies of Ponyville to stand in utter silence.



Wild Trotter: "I'm outta here, man!" One of the ponies shouted amongst the crowd, quickly fleeing the scene.



The silence continued even when Celestia and Luna landed with the royal guards, arriving far too late. Nightmare Moon had returned.



Disco: And this time, it’s personal.

Crazy56U: Well... I can safely say that Celestia's well-thought out plan of dealing with Nyx went over PERFECTLY!

CTOONfan1: Wow. What a sad ending to this story. Oh well. Time to move on with my-



=====================================================================

--From The Desk of Pen Stroke--



Crazy56U: In the style of Dr. Seuss.

Ezn: Is it a looking desk?



The worst has come to pass, so it would seem

Nightmare Moon is back, Nyx gone like a passing dream

But fret not readers, do not lose heart

The story is only half over,



Batman_the_Dino: half yet-to-be-completed

Drizzel: And a quarter to-be-riffed.

CTOONfan1: ...wait. WHAT?!



there are many more parts



Crazy56U: Unfortunately for you, dear sir, we're only here for 3 more chapters. So, HAH!



And from this chapter you should be able to plainly see

Nightmare Moon is not the same as she used to be



Wild Trotter: And believe me, it's all downhill from here.

RLYoshi: No, really?

CTOONfan1: Thank you, Zecora, for this foreshadowing to our dark future.

Crazy56U: Well, I guess there’s nothing we can do than speed on. (plays “Jumping Jack Flash”)



=====================================================================

<<Chapter 9 - Chapter 11>>

=====================================================================

My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.

=====================================================================





Chapter 11

A Queen and Her Castle



Crazy56U: Great! I'll get some angry birds and a slingshot to make this fun!



===================



Anon13: Remember folks, the OVEP is still going! Anytime you see That Verb, put in an alternative! Only you can prevent word burnout!



They were too late.



CTOONfan1: The story was still being written.

Drizzel: That’s everyone’s fear.



Even when they had her in their sights they were too late. Celestia’s worst fears came true.



RLYoshi: Snakes everywhere...

Crazy56U: Celestia and Indiana Jones would be the best of friends.



The monster that had stolen her sister away



Wild Trotter: And no doubt snogging her in the process.



for over a thousand years had returned with a body of her own and vanished into the night, vowing to conquer the royal kingdom for herself and plunge Equestria into eternal night.



Isphone: but before that part, it was just soooooooo cute!

Wild Trotter: Failing that, vowing to become Molestia: Nighttime Edition.



The sun princess, however, couldn’t panic or rage as she would have liked to.



Anon13: She just wasn’t METAL enough, maaaaan!



No, she had to keep up her composure, remain stone-faced as she listened to anypony willing to give their accounting of what had happened. But the same could not be said of the moon princess.



Luna



Crazy56U: This is before she upgraded to "CANTERLOCK" mode, btw.



was looking distraught and kept staring off into the space where the mare she used be had stood just before their arrival.



Svensvenderson: She needed comfort from Abby.

Disco: Its incessant clacking soothes the nerves.



After confirming what she had feared, Celestia saw no reason to linger on in Ponyville;



DiStort: Town’s doomed, time to GTFO.



she had, after all, much to consider and think about.



Wild Trotter: Not to mention, which "friends" to accompany her every night.



This situation was much different than it was a thousand years ago. It was true that she no longer had to worry about Luna’s safety, but at same time Celestia wasn’t sure she could rely on the Elements of Harmony.



DiStort: Especially since they’ve all probably been infected with the Stupid from hanging around Nyx. I wouldn’t rely on them either.



One of the bearers of the elements, after all, was a certain purple unicorn that could not or would not



CTOONfan1: Eat green eggs and ham.



want to put aside her feelings in order to do what was right for Equestria.



Svensvenderson: Gee, I wonder who that could be....?

DiStort: Sparkler?



It was all matters that could be dealt with in the morning.



Disco: Yes, the fate of the world as we know it can wait until morning.



It had been a long day,



and while she could go for much longer without rest it didn’t mean Celestia wasn’t looking forward to lying down in her own bed. So, after ordering the royal guards back to the castle, Celestia took off, only to stop and hover a few feet in the air when she noticed somepony was lingering behind.



“Luna, are you coming?”



Crazy56U: Ahh... too easy, nevermind.



Luna shook her head, being snapped out of whatever train of thought had been occupying her mind.



“Y... yes Sister, I’m coming.”



Crazy56U: I SAID “TOO EASY”!

Drizzel: Either you do it or someone else will (grin)



The moon princess replied as she took flight. “But...there is much that I need to discuss with you once we’re back in Canterlot....in private if you don’t mind.”



Disco: Oh no, it’s turning into that kind of fanfic.



“Of course not, Sister.” Celestia said, her tone utterly blank,



Ezn: It hadn’t found its special talent yet.



lacking the warmth her words usually carried but at the same time none of the firmness she used when she confronted Twilight Sparkle earlier in the day. A further sign that the sun princess was weary from recent events.



===========



The flight back to Canterlot was passed in silence.



Ezn: It only just scrapped by on its final exam.



Celestia passed glances at her sister, but Luna kept her eyes forward. The look in her younger sister’s eyes... it made the white alicorn dread the discussion she would soon be having with Luna.



Isphone: “It’s about the fan fiction you found in my closet, isn’t it?”



Upon arriving at the palace, the sun princess ordered for her generals to be summoned. She didn’t care if they needed to be roused from their beds or pulled from their spouses.



Svensvenderson: Interesting word choice.

Wild Trotter: Or have their spouses join in.



She needed to speak with them immediately, and was making rare use of her royal rank to ensure it happened. Still, once the guards were off to find the generals, Celestia was left alone with Luna, the pair standing on the castle balcony they had arrived on minutes before.



Celestia took in a deep breath to shore up her courage before she turned to fact her younger sister.



Disco: “So, how about that local sports team?”



“What was it that you needed to speak to me about, Luna?”



Ezn: “Was it bananas?”



“Not here.” Luna mumbled. “I want to speak with you in private, remember?”



Crazy56U: "Just to let you know, the phrase 'what the hell' will be used plenty."



“Of course. Let’s talk in the throne room.” Celestia offered,



Anon13: OVEP: unabashedly blathered



only to be surprised when Luna suddenly cut in front of her, leading the way. While she didn’t explicitly showed it, Luna was angry.



DiStort: Buy her a pack of socks. That always calms her down in fanfics.

Ezn: Lecture her!



When the two were both awake at the same time, they always walked side by side with each other.



CTOONfan1: Especially when there was an explosion behind her.

Anon13: They walked in slo-mo during very special occasions.



For Luna to suddenly break that unspoken rule between them meant that Celestia’s other fears were about to come true tonight.



Luna swept into the throne room, horn glowing as she shut any side doors. She then waited for Celestia to follow her inside before shutting the main doors and flipping their latches, sealing the room from the inside. She then turned and approached Celestia, the pair meeting at the base of impressive throne.



Ezn: AAAH INCEST



“Why don’t you trust me, Celestia?”



Anon13: Because with all the stupid going around I can’t trust anypony.

Disco: Paranoia is Magic!



Celestia winced. Luna always called her Sister or just Tia when she felt affectionate; there was only two times when Luna addressed Celestia by her full name. It was either when they were having a very serious discussion....or she was angry. And the current situation probably fell under both of those categories.



“Luna, what are you talking about?” Celestia offered with a slight laugh,



Wild Trotter: OVEP: giggle-snorted



a rather...nervous laugh. “You know I can trust you with anything.”



Disco: Except for that whole “usurp the throne” thing.



“So why is it that when a mare that looks and acts like I did when I was still Nightmare Moon appears,



CTOONfan1: I'm not allowed to share a house with her and start a sitcom?



you seem to act like you know what’s going on? As if you knew this would happen?”



Anon13: Because plot and bananas. Duh!



“Luna, I-”



“You know something.” Luna accused as her eyebrows furrowed. “You know what’s going on. You’re acting far too collected for this to be a complete surprise. What have you been hiding from me?”



DiStort: “Would you believe me if I told you it was an overly elaborate set-up to a surprise party?”



“Luna, this isn’t anything for you to concern yourself with.



CTOONfan1: "Your evil side is just walking around and is preparing to overthrow us. Nothing of your concern."

Anon13: "Just go on with those tea parties and gigglefests you do so well!"

Disco: G3 flashback...*shudders*



I only called you to accompany me because I needed you...Equestria needed you.”



“But we were too late, weren’t we?



Ezn: “Today’s episode of Desperate Housemares ended five minutes ago!”



Whoever that mare was got away and was vowing to do the same thing I once tried to do over a thousand years ago, something I almost succeeded at last year. Now, you still haven’t answered my question, Celestia. What. Have. You. Been. Hiding from me?”



Celestia turned to face the other direction, unable or unwilling to look Luna in the eye.



Disco: “I... I’ve been using your abacus.”

Drizzel: He really gets around.



“Just a little after the end of winter, a cult ponynapped my personal student Twilight Sparkle as part of an elaborate spell that would have done the unthinkable.



DiStort: Hoo boy. Strap in, folks, it’s recap time.

Crazy56U: Oh goody! Nap time! (snore)

Anon13: Exposition Man III: The Quest for Sheesh!

Disco: In 3D!

Svensvenderson: And this time, it’s personal!

Drizzel: Part 1!



I am happy to say that Twilight suffered nothing worse than a very small cut on the hoof and some rope burns.



Disco: “I’ve done far worse.”



The spell in question, however, would have taken the shreds left behind when you were saved by the Elements of Harmony, and used them to create a new Nightmare Moon...



Crazy56U: “Robot Alicorn Attack: Night Mare Moon Edition”!

Ezn: AALLLWAYS I WANNA RULE YOU AND MAKE THE NIGHT WITH YOU AND LIVE IN DISHARMONY DISHARMONY OH MOON



giving her a body of her own.”



“I...what?!? How is that possible?!? I was Nightmare Moon! I let my anger and jealousy get the best of me, let my magic corrupted me



CTOONfan1: You let your word tense corrupted the sentence.



for the sake of gaining power. Power that I lost because of the Elements of Harmony, but all I lost was my power.



Disco: It’s a recap within a recap!



How could that be enough to make a complete mare?!”



Disco: Duh, Mary Sues can do anything! Haven’t you been paying attention?



“I do not claim to fully understand it...



CTOONfan1: Trust me. No one does.

Anon13: Not even Pen Stroke.



but you know how magic works just as well as I do, Sister.



DiStort: Which is to say, not at all.



Truly pure magic is a rare thing;



Ezn: Magic’s a dirty whore.



any magic from a unicorn can carry with it an echo of its owner. It is why some spells are stronger when driven by emotions like anger or happiness, why no two unicorns have the same magic.



Svensvenderson: So magic is like fingerprints?

Crazy56U: Just like how logic is poison.



Magic and the soul are very closely tied.



“And, because of this, I’ve come to believe that the magic that remained in those shreds left behind by the Elements of Harmony contained an echo of what you were... an echo of Nightmare Moon.



Ezn: NIGHTMARE MOON MOON MOON MOON



This was what the resurrection spell was meant to focus and strengthen, drawing in not only the magic in the shreds but any of your old power that remained in the Everfree Forest. Anything the spell couldn’t find it would replace by



Ezn: Pressing Ctrl+H.



drawing in on the magic of the forest itself.



“It would be from that concentration of magic and your lingering emotions and thoughts that the cult would have formed a new Nightmare Moon.”





“But... but even if the spell formed a body from that... for Nightmare Moon to even be alive, for her to be a completely separate mare from me...wouldn’t that mean she would now also have to have her own-”



DiStort: “Brain? Yeah, that’s the part they forgot.”



“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Celestia interrupted. “She is back and since I can not rely on Twilight Sparkle to do



Svensvenderson: “Anything intelligent. EVER.”

Crazy56U: I don’t blame her for that kind of thinking, to be frank.

Frank: Yep.



what needs to be done for the sake of everypony, then we must face this shade ourselves.



Ezn: “Where we’re going, you won’t need sunblock.”



Together, we will ensure that she will never rise to threaten Equestria...or you... ever again.”



Luna rushed to Celestia’s side, trying to look her sister in the eye.



“Wait! What do you mean we can’t rely on Twilight? What else are you hiding from me?!?”



Wild Trotter: "Are you hitting on Twilight again?"

Disco: “I couldn’t bring myself to read more than the first few paragraphs!”



“....do you remember Twilight’s cousin Nyx? The one who



Ezn: had ticks



played Nightmare Moon during the children’s play at the last Spring Festival?



Anon13: “Turns out it was clumsy foreshadowing. I know, who woulda guessed?”



That filly.... was never Twilight’s cousin,



Ezn: NO WAY



nor is she even related to Twilight by any familial connection.



Ezn: GET OUT



She had never been seen before until her arrival in Ponyville a few days after Twilight was rescued.”



“No.......no, you can’t be saying what I think you’re saying. You...you don’t mean to tell me that-”



Svensvenderson: Jello is made of ponies!

Crazy56U: Glue is made from jello! ...wait...

Disco: It all makes sense now!



“The filly



Ezn: -formerly-



known as Nyx



Ezn: “would like you to spell her name with a &.”

Crazy56U: … “N&x”?



was the product of that spell, an incomplete copy of the mare they were trying to resurrect.



CTOONfan1: Little did they know they were low on toner.



She was always Nightmare Moon.”



Svensvenderson: Celestia obviously hasn't read just how many times Twilight had an internal monologue about that.

Disco: She's repressed such traumatic memories.



Luna went narrowed



RLYoshi: She needed to lose weight anyway.



eyed, remember the filly that had talked and laughed at the dinner that they shared with those who carried the Elements of Harmony.



“That... that is troubling, Sister, but surely we could convince Twilight to act with us



Ezn: “in this year’s drama production!”



against Nightmare Moon. The Elements of Harmony are our best chance against Nightmare Moon.”



“Even if Twilight could be convinced to go against the pony she once knew as Nyx... my actions in the past few hours...”



Luna moved directly in front of Celestia, forcing the two sisters to lock eyes



Ezn: and throw away the key.



as the moon princess’ coat started bristling, her wings spreading out in anger.



Disco: *POMF*



“Celestia... what did you do!?”



“I did what was necessary.”



DiStort: “To move the plot forward.”

Disco: Yes, and we all appreciate it.

Crazy56U: Huh. I didn't know "necessary" meant "horrifyingly stupid". More you know.



Celestia forced out, trying to keep her voice level even though it was still wavering. “When the truth about Nyx needed to be ascertained I had the filly taken into custody and-”



“YOU TOOK HER AWAY!?!” Luna shouted in disbelief.



Crazy56U: Even Luna's shocked about the depths Pen Stroke made her sink to!



“Celestia, Twilight’s your student and she cared about Nyx! I knew them for a single hour we spent with them after the Spring Festival and I could tell they cared about each other. Why would you do something like that?



Disco: Ends, justified, etc.



That has to be the... the most monstrous-”



Disco: Psh, Luna obviously hasn’t read many fanfics.



“I KNOW!!!” Celestia snapped, her composure breaking like a frail twig, the alicorn’s face painted with the pain that had been eating her up on the inside.



“Do you actually think for a moment that I wanted to do any of this?!? To cause a dear student and friend of mine such pain?



Anon13: And not the fun kind?

CTOONfan1: "It's the plot's fault, not mine!"



The only other decision that pained me more than this was when I was forced to banish you to the moon! I do not need to be told the heinous nature of my actions!



Disco: “The readers aren’t nearly as dense as we are!”



I went to Twilight’s home to take the child unaware of how much my student had grown to care for the filly. She had become a like mother while I was only expecting a mere caregiver.



“But what was I supposed to do!?



Crazy56U: Oh, I don’t know, maybe something that wasn’t founded on paranoia and filly-murder? Just a thought.



Nightmare Moon is a threat to this kingdom, to me, and to you. I have to consider what is best for all of Equestria, and while Twilight would deny it, there was a chance Nyx would have grown into a new Nightmare Moon even if what happened tonight never occurred.



Svensvenderson: Nature versus nurture.

Disco: Freud would have a field day with this fanfic.



“I had to take Nyx away. I had to be sure, and if there was any doubt I would have spared the filly until such time I could be sure, but I had to take her away and convince Twilight to stay at her home.”



“Why wouldn’t you let Twilight accompany Nyx?” Luna asked.



Crazy56U: "Because I was being stupid, what of it?"



“Would you have had me torture Twilight, have her watch as Nyx’s fate was decided?



Disco: “This isn’t a clop-fic, Luna!”



If Nyx was found to be Nightmare Moon, would you have had me torture my student further still by forcing her to watch as the filly was taken away to be dispelled?



Anon13: Considering you have no qualms about torturing the readers...



Bringing Twilight along would have only deepened the pain she was feeling... and I did not want to hurt Twilight more than I had to.



“I did not want to hurt her....but I had to be sure.” Celestia continued, her outburst ending as she reigned in her emotions and regained her composure. “Nightmare Moon is the single greatest threat Equestria has ever known.



DiStort: In the royal garden, a single tear appeared on the face of Discord’s statue.

Crazy56U: Good. I don't care for him. (holds up a "Nightmare Moon" pennant)

RLYoshi: In all honesty, "eternal night" is probably more threatening than "cotton candy clouds and chocolate milk rain"

Ezn: ^Some stay dry, after all.



The only alicorn to ever best me. The only alicorn with the power to perform a banishment spell without the aid of the Elements of Harmony,



Wild Trotter: "The only alicorn to REALLY get around when it comes to those ponies who sleep at night. But... I might be getting ahead of myself here."



and now that she is her own mare, now that she is no longer part of you, I can expect no mercy from her. She could just as easily seek to kill you and me so that we could never threaten her rule over Equestria.



“I have to think about what’s the worst that can happen,



CTOONfan1: The six words you're never supposed to even THINK about.

Anon13: That’s not just tempting fate, that’s sashaying up and French-kissing it.



foresee the worst of the situation possible.



Anon13: And then actually make that happen just for funsies.



That is my duty as a princess of this kingdom, to protect it from all dangers inside and out. I also have a duty to protect you, Luna... for you are my sister, and I won’t let that monster take you away again.”





“And you never thought to tell me about this?!?” The moon princess bristled, her wings again unfolding in her anger.





“I didn’t want to have to burden you with this knowledge.



CTOONfan1: "Your feeble brain wouldn't understand."

Anon13: Her feeble brain?



It was something that I was supposed to deal with so you wouldn’t have to.”



Disco: Our wise goddess, folks.



“Wouldn’t have to?!? Celestia, what is wrong with you?!



Crazy56U: My thoughts exactly.

Svensvenderson: The fic goes meta again!

Disco: It's about time.



I was Nightmare Moon once! Everything that mare did was my fault!



Wild Trotter: "Especially the part where I slept with those royal guards every night."



If somehow somepony were to bring that...that....pony back as a complete mare, then it’s my fault for being her in the first place!”



Ezn: I think we need some synonyms for “complete mare” and “mare of her own”.



“Luna, stop it! You aren’t responsi-”



“YES I AM!!! It’s my fault! It’s all my fault!” Luna argued. “If I didn’t let my jealousy and anger get the better of me, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation in the first place! When were you even going to tell me about this?



“Were you...were you ever going to tell me about this?”



Disco: Silly Luna. If you have Questions, Comments, and Concerns, you need to

send an email!



Celestia didn’t say anything...she couldn’t say anything...



Crazy56U: Damn, she forgot her line. Celestia shouldn't go into acting.



and Luna got her answer from that silence. A look of disbelief grew on the moon princess’ face as she leaned back and lifted a hoof in disbelief.



“....you weren’t ever going to tell me anything... ever. You were hoping to keep this whole thing a secret!”



Crazy56U: "Like that banana incident! And look where THAT got you!"



“Sister, please...I was only trying to protect you, keep you from having to-”



“Keep me from what?!? Keep me from taking responsibility for my past mistakes?



DiStort: Or, Past Sins, if you will. (HIYOOO!)

RLYoshi: DiStort, you should know that title drops are not to be tossed about willy-nilly. They're serious business.

DiStort: Clearly, you haven't seen "We Bought a Zoo."

Crazy56U: Or any of the “Pulse” films... or “Redneck Zombies”... or “The Happening”... or a good amount of the stuff covered on “That Guy With The Glasses”, to be honest.



Keep from doing what I can for the sake of our kingdom, for our ponies?!? Nightmare Moon, either as what I was or...or what she is now, is still my responsibility! You should have told me about this from the very beginning!



“If anything, Celestia, the fact that she and I were once one and the same makes me more qualified to deal with this situation than you ever would be. At the very least, if our roles were reversed, I would have told you the truth.”



Disco: Luna’s Common Sense Syndrome is terminal.



Celestia began to bristle herself, the disagreement devolving into an argument.



Ezn: This is obviously something that only happened at this point in the narrative, and definitely not before.



“Luna, stop this! I was trying to protect you, trying to fulfill my duty not as a princess but as an older sister! And older sisters always keep their young sisters safe!”



Anon13: AHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAH

Crazy56U: The funniest thing I've heard all night! (wipes a tear away)

Disco: We need a [Comedy] tag, stat!



“Stop talking to me like I’m filly! You are only a few years older than me, and that’s not much considering how long we’ve both been alive! Also, I am not just a younger sister, I am also the co-ruler of this kingdom! Did you not tell me, when I finally was freed from my own psychosis, that were meant to rule together?



Ezn: “Yeah, but it was a joke.”



“Because part of ruling together means trusting each other and not keeping secrets!”



Disco: “Did you even watch Season 1?!”



“Luna....Luna, I do trust you, I-”



CTOONfan1: "Just don't trust you enough."



“Then answer me this.”



RLYoshi: RIDDLE ME THIS!

Disco: What's black, turquoise, and annoying all over?

Crazy56U: We don’t need the Riddler!



Luna stated, starting to walk towards Celestia and forcing the sun princess to back away. “Why have you been treating me like a filly ever since I’ve come back? I understand there was so much I had to catch up on. I was gone for a thousand years, but if anything I’ve exceeded your expectations. I’ve learned about how Equestria has changed, and I’ve been helping you rule. I sit through the same meetings you do and I hold court like you do.



“But, whether or not you’ve realized it, I can’t help but feel that you’ve been talking down to me, treating me like a filly, just because...because I...”



Ezn: “It’s okay, Luna, wetting the bed is totally normal for a mare your age.”



“Luna, please...please don’t do this to me...I...I need you stand with me right now...Equestria needs you...”



“Yes....yes, you’re right. Equestria does need me. Which is why I’m going to confront Nightmare Moon myself.”



Crazy56U: "Yes, I'm so angry with your stupidity, I'm going to do something even STUPIDER!"

Anon13: We may be well on our way to the theoretical stupidity singularity, beyond which we cannot comprehend the dumb.

Disco: *facehoofs*

Svensvenderson: Anyone want to take bets on how badly this is going to go?

Bugermandan: 20 bits on the Mary Sue.

Crazy56U: Please, that's what's going to happen BY LAW! ...I like making easy money; 50 bits on Nightmare Sue!



“L-LUNA! Luna, no! You can’t be serious!”



Disco: A common reaction to this story.



“There you go again...talking to me like I’m just a filly.”



DiStort: I don’t think I ever heard the phrase “you can’t be serious” when I was a kid.



“Luna, enough of this! You don’t know what that monster is capable of!”



“I KNOW exactly what that monster is capable of, or have you forgotten that I was that very monster not too long ago?”



“Luna, I am not going to let you put yourself in harm’s way.” Celestia stated firmly, stamping a hoof to punctuate her words. “You are going to stay here and-”



“No! I’m going to confront this new Nightmare Moon...and I’ll see for myself if she is half the monster that you seemed convinced she is.”



Disco: “I’ll measure her quite thoroughly.”

Ezn: Somwhere in the background, Rustle salivated.



“Luna, I love you and trust you more than you will ever know but this I can not allow.”



“Try to stop me.” Luna challenged, seemingly vanishing into the air itself. Celestia, however, knew what really happened... her sister was just using one of the many illusion spells she was adept at.



“Luna? Luna! Get back here this instant!”



Disco: “I don’t know how to use an abacus!”



“You’re not my mother!”



RLYoshi: Oh really? (gets to work on fanfic)



was Luna’s only reply as the doors to the throne room suddenly opened and shut, the very magic manipulating them as invisible as the moon princess herself. Celestia could only stare at the door, feeling anger that her younger sister would not heed her words, but at the same moment feeling dread for both Luna and her kingdom.



The alicorn shut her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her muzzle with a hoof. By the stars above she was tired,



CTOONfan1: Bringing the whole world to absolute heck is exhausting.



but by now the first of the generals would be arriving and she’d need to start discussing with them the plans for finding and smoking out Nightmare Moon.



That... and the sun princess doubted she could sleep if she wanted. There was too much on her mind to sleep. Worry about Twilight, guilt for putting her student through so much pain, and above all her concern for Luna. She’d never be able to get to sleep now.



Disco: It was time to break out the chloroform.



So it was better to be productive than to lie tossing and turning in her bed.



===========



Nightmare Moon stood in an elegant hall carved of fine marble. Regal columns flanked either side of the hall, rising to a high arched ceiling which was dotted with diamonds to portray a copy of the night time sky, a particularly large diamond set to mimic the full moon. Rich purple curtains were draped everywhere and torches glowed with glowing white gems, making the room much like the elegant night.



“Does it please you my Queen?” Spell Nexus asked, bowing respectfully.



Wild Trotter: "Is it not fabulous enough, my queen?"



“It does.” Nightmare Moon replied, striding up to her new throne.



Svensvenderson: “I can’t wait to put in the air hockey table.”

Crazy56U: Nexus: "Um... yeah... we couldn't afford to get you an air hockey table. But, we got you something better!"



Nightmare Moon: "It's not a ping pong table... is it?"



Nexus: "...well-" (gets sent to the moon)



Rich night blue



Ezn: Poor day flu! Twitch fight skew! This is a fun game!



cushions set against rare black oak from the dragon country.



Ezn: Mutilated sentence fragments set against fanfiction.



She sat down in the throne, wings fluttering as she settled into it. Nightmare Moon could only smile,



Ezn: I Have No Ticks So I Must Smile



looking across the room... her throne room.



“Though I am curious as to how you manged to construct such a grand room in secrecy.”



CTOONfan1: “We play a lot of Minecraft.”



“It is not just this room my Queen, but a whole castle.” Nexus replied, lifting his head. “We found unexpected allies in a clan of wild mutts known as the Diamond Dogs.



Ezn: Were they in the show? Which episode? I need a wiki link!



They were a more than willing workforce once we promised to assist them in their search for the precious gemstones that fill this underground area.



Anon13: Gratuitous show reference #620-D check!

Crazy56U: Stop pulling numbers out of your ass!



“They dug out this entire cavern, and then assisted in the construction of the castle.



CTOONfan1: “When they wanted breaks, we discovered whining seemed to frighten them.”



Once you have defeated Celestia and Luna, there is but a few dozen feet of rock separate this castle from the surface and, with your unmatched power, you could easily raise the castle to the surface... a proclamation of your new place as Equestria’s ruler.”



“And the Diamond Dogs were willing to put forth so effort for the gemstones? To what end?”



“We, honestly, do not know Your Majesty.



Disco: “They kept muttering about whining and marshmallows.”

Crazy56U: "We never planned ahead beyond ‘resurrect Nightmare Moon’. We're now playing this by ear."



We never questioned why the Diamond Dogs wanted the gems... they just do. Perhaps they are like dragons, and eat them. Or perhaps they just like to roll around in piles of gemstones as hogs roll in mud.



CTOONfan1: Or perhaps it's because they're Gollum ripoffs.



Still, whatever their purpose they were a strong, fast, and willing workforce.”



Drizzel: "They still weren't as fabulous as me though."

Ezn: Maybe they like to use gemstones to wrap up winter.

Crazy56U: ♫Winter Wrap Up! Winter Wrap Up! … I don’t re-mem-ber the words!♫



Nightmare Moon’s eye flashed,



Ezn: She had a photographic memory, you see.



a spark of curiosity rising in her as she suddenly found herself wanting to know just what the Diamond Dogs did with the gems.



DiStort: Better break out the bendy straw again.



It was a spark of curiosity that made her remember sitting in class, when Cheerilee began a lesson about a new subject. How she found such joy in learning new things from the mulberry pony.



Wild Trotter: Said mulberry pony's private drinking habits, notwithstanding.

Anon13: That’s Berry Punch.

Svensvenderson: I don't know. If I had to deal with the CMC on a daily basis, I'd drink too.



Nightmare Moon shut her eyes, forcing the thoughts that had started to run out of control in her mind back into line before she looked down upon Nexus.



Disco: She could smell the rancid orange juice on his breath.



She could not think of those memories anymore; she was a queen. Cheerilee was no longer her teacher, just another



Wild Trotter: potential bedmate that would provide her sensual solace.



subject that needed to be brought in line. That’s what they all were.



Wild Trotter: Save for the ones that wisely made themselves scarce.



They were just subjects, nothing more.



Wild Trotter: And all they could hope for is to avoid getting anymore screentime in this story.



============



“And here is the royal library.” Nexus offered, providing his queen with a tour of her castle. “Please forgive the lack of books on the shelves.



Ezn: “We haven’t got enough signatures on that printing pledge yet.”

CTOONfan1: A library in Ponyville has hoarded them all and made them into a fort.



We built it to be able to house the collection from the Canterlot palace, should you decide to keep this castle once you’ve overthrown the Royal Sisters.”



Wild Trotter: "Shipping fics will have their own... private shelf, shall we say."



Nightmare Moon looked upon the shelves, which were mostly empty.



Disco: Epic Failure was in charge, after all.



A few pegasi ponies of the cult fluttered about, putting away some books that had been gathered for the collection.



“Why do all of you have eyes the same color as mine?” Nightmare Moon asked.



CTOONfan1: Mary Sue is contagious.

Ezn: “It makes you all look the same. You should look into serial numbers.”



“It is your blessing, my Queen.



DiStort: They were fans of Nightmare Moon before it was cool.

Crazy56U: HIPSTERS! (grabs a bat)



As you may know, I was once the headmaster of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Upon your initial defeat, she tasked me with disposing of your shredded remains.



Ezn: “Man, was I ever wasted that day... talking to schools.”



It was upon examining and interacting with those shreds that I became enlightened to your wisdom and power.



Svensvenderson: So the moral of the story is never touch the remains of an evil goddess. Got it.

Ezn: A truly practical moral of particular relevance to today’s youth.



“It was on that same day my eyes turned the turquoise color you see now, and it became a sign of the order.



Wild Trotter: "Need I mention how much more fabulous I felt that day?"



I bestow upon each pony who joins the Children of Nightmare, who pledges their service to you, the same blessing which grows and thrives within me.”



Ezn: “Yes, that’s right... HALF-OFF MOVIE TICKETS EVERY SECOND THURSDAY!”



Nightmare Moon found it a relatively interesting truth.



Anon13: Relative to what, the tax code?

Disco: This fanfic?

Ezn: A Relatively Interesting Truth: a film by Algoremare Moon.



Still, it was only a minor curiosity and as Nexus guided her about the library she let her dragon shaped eyes float across the shelves.



Ezn: Nexus had been sharing his orange juice with her.



One book caught her eye in particular, a book with a



Wild Trotter: cover that showed Rainbow Dash fleeing everypony else under the influence of a love potion.

Ezn: I think I’ve read that one... fifty times...



green cover and a laughing pony on its spine.



Ezn: “I wish I could have a laughing pony on my spine,” she sighed.



Coming to a stop, Nightmare Moon used her magic to remove the book from the shelf, gently flipping it open to the title page.



Svensvenderson: Horizontal Surface, A Biography



1001 Party Pony Pranks.



Crazy56U: This was the "Binary" edition. And since it contained only 9 pranks, it was the worst edition.



****



Disco: Pointless Flashback Sequence, GO!



“Oh yea, these are gold.”



Crazy56U: "Now let's get these gold rocks to the nearest pawn shop and retire wealthy!"



“Are you sure Twilight won’t mind?”



“Yea, she’ll be fine. She knows how to take a joke.” Spike reassured, only for the baby dragon to freeze up as he heard hoofsteps on the stairs. The baby dragon quickly pushed Nyx down under the table in the main part of the library, the pair trying to stifle their giggles as Twilight came down the stairs.



The unicorn didn't take notice of where the two were hiding, moving over to the writing desk where she had been



Ezn: contemplating ravens.



working moments before, having just gone upstairs to get a fresh bottle of ink. Setting the ink down, Twilight let her horn glow to open the cover of the cover of the book.



Ezn: Late in life, Horizontal Surface dabbled in altering the physical forms of his books to further convey meaning.



The book, however, snapped open on its own accord as a big toy snake jumped out.



Ezn: One of Surface’s more controversial works.



Twilight jumped straight up, getting enough height that the unicorn was



Ezn: catching some unreal air.



now hanging from a rafter on the ceiling, shaking like a leaf with her eyes narrow.



Disco: Trauma is Magic!



“BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!” Spike roared with laughter, Nyx soon joining in as the pair climbed out from beneath the table. Twilight glared at them for a few moments as she used levitation magic to lower herself back to the floor, but then she got a devilish grin on her face as she took the toy snake out from the book and proceeded to chase Nyx around the room with it, the black filly also not that fond of snakes.



Crazy56U: Another friend for Jonesy!

Ezn: In the unrated version, we dispense with the “toy snake” euphemism.



****



“Your Majesty?”



Nightmare Moon shook her head, snapping the book shut and replacing it on the shelf.



“My apologies; I can get caught up in my reading.”



Disco: “That Fallout series is amazing!”

Wild Trotter: "Now why does everypony want Rainbow Dash again? ...Whatever."

Crazy56U: “Hell, Fluttershy wanting her in a diaper makes the LEAST amount of sense!”



“No apologies necessary my Queen. This is, after all, your library. It is yours to enjoy whenever you see fit.” Nexus replied.



Ezn: “As am I...” *wink wink nudge nudge*



“Though, there is still much of the castle to see.”



Disco: “Just wait till you see my wardrobe!”

Wild Trotter: Do I sense a "Rarity Horror Picture Show" joke?



“Then lead on. Let me see all that you have prepared for me, my faithful subject.”



Ezn: “Ten gallons of orange juice! We are getting so wasted!”



============



“Here we have the guard barracks, where we train those new to the order to defend this castle. The good news is that word of your return is spreading,



Ezn: “#NMMIsBack is one of Twitter’s trending topics.”



and those I have sent out to recruit new ponies to our cause are finding several eager to try and get on good terms with you. It would seems not all Equestria are foalish enough to stand against you.”



Nightmare Moon didn’t offer any words in reply as she saw soldiers in black armor attacking training dummies, each of which was dyed and designed to look like a familiar set of mares.



“Why do the training dummies look like Twilight Sparkle and the other ponies who bear the Elements of Harmony?”



“It is because they are the greatest threat to you, my Queen. It was they who defeated you, and we shall not let them even draw close to this castle should they get it in their heads to attempt to bring their unified power against you again. Should the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony be seen by anypony of the order, they will be dealt with immediately.”



This comment was punctuated as a guard attacked a training dummy that looked like Twilight Sparkle, and, with a single swift motion, beheaded it, the cotton stuffed head bouncing onto the ground.



DiStort: The Fluttershy dummy sat quietly in the corner, as nopony would dare to attack it, for one reason or another.

Crazy56U: B-but I wouldn't attack it! Fluttershy is best pony in MY book! (hugs said dummy)



“No.” Nightmare Moon said firmly, her eyes fixed on the beheaded training dummy.



“My Queen?”



DiStort: “Why are my guards using Kung Fu?! I specifically asked for Capoeira experts! It’s more fun to watch!”

Crazy56U: That's it. I'm calling Kung Tai Ted and having them learn how to fight the RIGHT way.



“Should the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony come to the castle they are not to be harmed. Twilight Sparkle is to be brought directly to



Svensvenderson: “My bedchambers.”

Wild Trotter: "Do not forget to bring that "Reform School Fillies" book as well."



me and the rest of her friends locked in the dungeon until have decided how I want to punish them for standing against me once before. The Elements of Harmony themselves are to be taken from them for safe keeping. They will all be dealt with by me when I see fit.”



CTOONfan1: In other words, "DON'T KILL MY MOMMY!"



“Of course.” Nexus replied, his smile positively devilish. “I can fully understand your desire to punish them with your own hooves.”



“Yes... and I want one of the training dummies brought to my bed chamber as well. One of the training dummies that looks like Twilight Sparkle... and it is to be intact.”



Wild Trotter: "And what I do with it is... my own business."

Anon13: "Before that, have the unicorns install this vibr... um, mystical... sigil. Yeah, that's it."

Crazy56U: (scoots away)

Disco: Creeeepy.



“It will be there before the end of the tour.”



Disco: “It drags on for another few pages. Plenty of time.”



============



“The dinning hall is, of course, spacious enough for any sort of event, should you ever be interested in holding a gala or other such frivolity.”



Svensvenderson: “Say a gala, of the grand galloping sort.”

Crazy56U: A Nightmare Moon-helmed Grand Galloping Gala would be a VAST improvement over the one shown in "The Best Night Ever", I can tell.



Nexus offered as the pair walked along side the long regal table, made of soft brown oak covered in a night blue table cloth.



CTOONfan1: Because what we really needed to know in this world where Nightmare Moon could potentially take over was what the table is like.



“And you’ll be happy to know we already have employed a royal chef who is eager to tickle your taste buds with some of his deserts.”



RLYoshi: and possibly other areas...

Disco: The Sahara is particularly spicy.



Without warning Nightmare Moon found an eager unicorn standing beside her, levitating a filled-to-the-brim tray with expertly decorated cupcakes. The cupcakes had purple frosting above a black cake, with a single curl of white chocolate set delicately on top of the thick swirl of frosting.



*******

“Seriously, who would have thought making cupcakes would be so hard?” Scootaloo grumbled, the four Cutie Mark Crusaders standing in the middle of an utterly destroyed kitchen.



“I told you.” Apple Bloom said.



Crazy56U: Okay, Pen Stroke is doing this deliberately now!



“So Girls, how are things going?” Pinkie Pie chirped, the earth pony sticking her head into the kitchen.



“Not so good.” Sweetie Belle admitted.



“Please don’t be mad about the mess!” Nyx half begged.



DiStort: Half-demanded.



“Oh Girls, I’m not mad!



Crazy56U: "I'm furious! I've made better messes without TRYING! Clean this up and try again!" (and yet she remains cheerful while saying it...)



You should have seen the mess I made of the bakery when I first started working for the Cakes. After all, my special talent is throwing parties, not baking; it was something that took practice for me to get any good at.” Pinkie Pie reassured. “Now, why don’t we get this place cleaned up and I’ll show you how to make cupcakes one more time?”



The four fillies lit up, eagerly helping to clean up the mess and trying to make another batch of cupcakes. With Pinkie Pie offering close supervision and unending enthusiasm, by the end of the day each filly had a batch of cupcakes to take home that were at the very least passable if not pretty darn good.

*********



“My Queen, do the cupcakes displease you?”



DiStort: “Yes. The baker CLEARLY didn’t follow the Cupcakes song. He added something sour instead of sweet.”

Disco: And for that, he dies.



Nexus asked, noticing Nightmare Moon had zoned out again.



Disco: Even she’s getting bored of her own story.



“No.” She replied, using magic to gently nudge the tray away. “I am just not hungry at the moment. Have some delivered to my chamber. I will taste them later.”



Anon13: “The cupcakes, or the guys delivering them?”

“That’s. My. Sister. You. Idiot.”



The cook nodded, practically galloping off at that moment to place a select few of his desserts in the bedchamber while Nexus showed Nightmare Moon into the kitchen, to show her that it had all the modern conveniences and the capacity befitting a queen such as her.



Svensvenderson: I’m just going to leave this open for a microwave joke.

Crazy56U: Hmm... "Is It a Good Idea to Microwave The This?" staring Nightmare Moon? ...nah, too dumb.

Disco: Set that thing for 27 minutes on high, and the night will last FOREVER!

Crazy56U: Because that’s how microwaves work!



============



“And we finally come to your private chambers, my Queen.” Nexus offered, his horn opening the large, elegant door. “You will find a pair of guards stationed outside at all hours, should you ever need any assistance.



CTOONfan1: They are also sworn by oath to do... other... things.



Only the finest furniture was selected and the decorations were picked out by myself.



DiStort: That explains all the pink and frills.



Does it please you?”



“Yes.” Nightmare Moon replied, barely even looking at the room as she stepped inside.



“I am honored to hear you say that my Queen. Now, you are undoubtedly tired, considering you were resurrected just a few hours ago. I will leave you to rest as long as you desire.



Disco: “I need to go freshen up.”



When you are ready to begin the



RLYoshi: Dungeons & Dragons



campaign to seize Equestria for your own, simply have one of the guards come find me.”



Disco: He’ll be in the lounge, drunk off his flank and muttering about hoof polish.



“I will.” Nightmare Moon replied flatly, watching as Nexus offered a final bow before leaving.



Disco: She’s not used to so much fabulousity.



The great black alicorn glanced at the two guards set outside her room before shutting the door, locking it, and putting up a magical barrier to block not only entry but sound. She then turned and truly took in the room.



Like the rest of the castle it was decorated like the night sky, with dark blues and purples accented by moons and stars. A perfectly circular bed set in the dead center of the room, easily large enough to fit the princess-sized alicorn comfortably while it stood beneath an intricate depiction of the moon on the ceiling. The walls were lined with the rest of the room’s furniture: a fireplace, a vanity mirror, a set of dressers, a few tables, a bookcase, a door to a small exterior balcony, and a writing desk. Everything somepony would need to enjoy a quiet night in their bedroom.



Nightmare Moon circled the room once, looking over all the new furniture before she turned her attention to the bed. Placed there were all the things she had requested during the day, carefully presented to her. The cupcakes from the chef and the training dummy of Twilight Sparkle.



She lifted the cupcakes first, gingerly taking a bite from one. They were good... they reminded her of Pinkie Pie’s cupcakes. Hers were always so moist... so tasty...



Svensvenderson: *does a spit take*

Disco: Wow.



maybe the chef-



The cupcakes hit the door a moment later,



Wild Trotter: They were probably poisoned, or something.



thrown there by alicorn magic where they formed a sticky mess, slowly sliding down the wooden surface. Nightmare Moon glared at the cupcakes as if they were demons,



Wild Trotter: Cakeodemons, perhaps?

Anon13: Fortunately she'd gone through a secret level and collected a BFG.

Crazy56U: I guess she had enough time to read "Cupcakes".



and as a final measure she took the tray that had been holding the desserts and smashed it against the door as well, flattening the cupcakes before she let the whole gooey mess drop to the floor.



DiStort: NO! THE TRAY WAS INNOCENT!

Crazy56U: YOU MONSTER! (breaks down in sobs)

Disco: There are no innocents in this story.



The next thing to fall under Nightmare Moon’s hateful gaze was the training dummy of Twilight Sparkle. She lifted it up with her magical mane, holding the cotton stuffed doppelganger gingerly for a moment before her magic began to squeeze tightly around its neck.



DiStort: “I find your lack of intelligence disturbing.”

Crazy56U: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody!



Nightmare Moon stood there, strangling the lifeless doll for a few minutes before she threw it on the ground and proceeded to stomp on it.



Disco: Bah GAWD, Kang! She’s beatin’ that thang like a gubberment mule!

Wild Trotter: Aww, no piledriver?



Time and again she brought her hooves down on the stuffed dummy



Wild Trotter: "I'M BUCKING THE DVD!!! I'M BUCKING THE DVD!!!"



and, when it was leaking cotton from a number of holes, she lifted it up and threw it across the room, the mess flopping once before landing far beneath the alicorn’s new writing desk.



Nightmare Moon let out a slow, heavy pant after the exertion of taking out her anger on the dummy of Twilight... and as the anger was burnt away other emotions began to crawl to fill its place. Without even thinking about it Nightmare Moon dropped down onto her bed, not even trying to find her pillow.



She lay there for a time, her eyes shut... but when she did open she saw herself staring back. A mirror placed along one part of the circular room’s wall was what held the reflection. It was not a true vision of Nightmare Moon, not as many ponies knew her. She lacked her armor, she lacked her purple eye shadow...



Disco: the hoof polish, character depth, redeeming qualities...



and oddly enough she lacked her cutie mark. She was simple a very large black alicorn with a flowing mane of a star dotted nighttime sky... but that alone was enough.



She was Nightmare Moon, and soon everypony in Equestria would be her subject. She would rule with a iron hoof and plunge the kingdom and world into an eternal night.



Wild Trotter: An eternal night that would no doubt slowly leave Equestria dying.

Crazy56U: Yeah, whenever a villain decides to remove the sun, they don't consider that side-effect. It confuses/infuriates me.



After all, it was what she wanted... it was what was expected of her.



Wild Trotter: It was what the plot forced her to do. Sheesh, even Nyx herself has come under the sway of the stupid side of the force. How can this get any worse, you might ask?

Crazy56U: Three words: "Twilight's break-in mission".

RLYoshi: Dude, spoil - ah, screw it.

Disco: This won't end well for anyone.



=====================================================================

My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.

=====================================================================





Chapter 12

Mother of a Queen



RLYoshi: If that were the case, wouldn't the "queen" in question actually be a princess, and the mother would be the queen?

Shyguy5104: Are you really trying to make sense of this fic? 'Cause if you are I sense failure in the future.



===================



“Can’t believe Nyx turned out to be Nightmare Moon. It... it just makes about as much sense as a blue apple.”



DiStort: I didn’t know blue apples were so common.

Drizzel: (eating one right now) Huh?



Applejack commented.



“I can’t believe you were in on it the whole time and didn’t tell us!” Dash snapped.



“Twilight made me promise not to tell! And it’s not like she knew either.” Rarity argued. “Or didn’t you notice that she was crying her eyes out after Nightmare Moon disappeared? I had to carry the poor thing all the way back to the library and tuck her into bed.”



Wild Trotter: "Not even Reform School Fillies helped calm her down, and it was one of her favorite books of mine."



“Do you think she will be all right?”



DiStort: Are you kidding me? Her adoptive daughter was taken away from her, transformed into an immortal demon princess, and confessed her undying hatred for her. She’ll be over it in like, a week.



Fluttershy asked.



“I... I don’t know Dear.” Rarity admitted. “Twilight... Twilight is taking what happened very hard.”



“I’d be more surprised if she didn’t. She loved that little filly like she was her own.” Applejack pointed out.



“I’d try to cheer her up, but... the only way I know how to cheer up ponies is with parties...



Wild Trotter: "Or was it smoking poison joke that does it better?"



and Twilight doesn’t need a party right now...”



Disco: She needs ice cream. Lots of ice cream.



Pinkie Pie said, her voice lacking much of its usual enthusiasm.



Svensvenderson: That makes Pinkie Pie a *slips glasses on* one trick pony.

Crazy56U: (takes glasses) NO! We’re not doing that CSI meme! This is a CLASSY riffing! (throws them away)

RLYoshi: If what we’re doing is classy, I’m the Polish Nightmare Moon.

Svensvenderson: Aw, my glasses...



“No, she doesn't; right now Twilight just need some time. But... I'm sure she'll be back on her hooves soon.”



“She better! Nightmare Moon is alive, and that means we need to stop her again and we can’t use the Elements of Harmony without her.”



“Dash! Ssshh, Twilight will hear you!”



Disco: “It might get the plot going again!”



Applejack scolded. Still, the five friends that currently talked in the main level of the library didn’t realize how well their voices carried in the old tree.



Svensvenderson: You mean the one that’s just a single giant room?

Disco: It does have many corners, though.



Despite talking in normal voices, their words were able to bounce all the way up stairs and reach the bedroom and Twilight’s ears.



RLYoshi: Their words must be made of some weird kind of rubber.



The unicorn laid in bed, eyes utterly red from crying as she stared out her window.



Disco: She tried to read this entire fanfic in one sitting.



She laid on the top of her bed, hugging a ripped purple vest and a pair of cracked glasses to her chest, all that had been left in the center of Ponyville after Nyx became Nightmare Moon.



Disco: She’d outgrown her Velma fixation.



Twilight hugged these items to her chest as tightly as she could, but they offered her no comfort. They could not replace the little black filly Twilight desperately desired to hug. The filly she wanted to be able to talk to, to beg forgiveness from. They couldn’t replace Nyx.



RLYoshi: either.

Crazy56U: Actually they could, but that would involve recreating the Prologue. And we can’t have THAT.

Anon13: Considering what we have, I’m inclined to think it’s worth a shot...



She knew why she had done it... she knew why and that simple fact was tearing up Twilight’s insides like a Parasprite. A pain that was only growing more numerous and ravenous with each passing second.



Disco: Heartburn?

Drizzel: I hear they have pills for that.



Celestia... she was the princess and a mentor to the purple unicorn. Some would argue she was like a second mother to Twilight, considering how close the pair had gotten while the unicorn was at Celestia’s school. And when one of the ponies you trust in the world above all else, a pony who always seems to be right and know just what to do, tells you... tells you that the filly you’re caring for needs to be taken away, at least part of you wants to disagree.



RLYoshi: As we’ve seen in the past, that part is usually the illogical, stupid part.

Anon13: As we’ve seen in this story, that’s all they have.



She had fought, argued, but Celestia didn’t waver and, to Twilight, it became like she was trying to move the sun itself... an impossible task.



So part of her submitted, part of her agreed with what Celestia was saying and shut down. The logical part of her brain



CTOONfan1: It exists?

Disco: It was noticeably underdeveloped.



conceded even though her heart and other parts of her were screaming for her to do something. She... she had just shut down... become shell shocked, the thing she feared the most in the world coming to pass



CTOONfan1: This story becoming big enough to actually get an MST style riffing!



and her unable to convince Celestia that Nyx wasn’t a danger to anypony.



But then Nyx called out... called out



Crazy56U: “called out... called out... called out...” (punch) Damn it, stop skipping! We’ve got riffing to do! (punch)



and Twilight realized what an idiot she was being...



Svensvenderson: FINALLY!

RLYoshi: I knew it would happen! George owes me ten bucks!

Crazy56U: PRAISE THE LORD!

GelidEnmity: And pass the ammunition...



but it was too late. They were gone... and now all she had left of the filly she cared for like a daughter were her things.



But things couldn’t replace Nyx... they would never be able to replace Nyx.



Disco: They would never want to.



There was only one thing Twilight desire more than having the little filly back. She wanted to say she was sorry, to just say the words whether or not she was forgiven. She honestly didn’t deserve to be forgiven, but... she wanted somepony to know that she was sorry. That she’d take it all back if she could.



Wild Trotter: Well, Twilight, good luck with that,



But there was only one pony those words would mean anything to, and Twilight had no clue where Nightmare Moon was. She had vanished, and despite the all out search by the royal guards and the Equestrian army there was still no sign of her. It was like she and the cult ponies just disappeared into thin air, which was actually an accurate description of the spell that was casted.



RLYoshi: Perhaps they went to SPAAAAACE! ...No?



Twilight herself had tried a number of spells to locate the alicorn. Scrying Spells, locator spells...



Crazy56U: Google...



they all failed. Twilight could only guess that the cult were purposefully masking Nightmare Moon’s location, to keep Celestia and Luna from finding out where they had hidden.



“Hey, did I tell you yet that I figured out who the spy was?” Pinkie Pie’s voice echoed from the library’s main floor, drawing Twilight’s attention back to eavesdropping on her friends’ conversation.



“Spy? What spy?” Applejack asked.



“There was a spy at the Learn and Play Day.“



Disco: He was hiding under a cardboard box.

Drizzel: He captured my control point!



Dash answered. “Pinkie Pie chased him around until he used The Stare to make her freeze up.”



DiStort: Fluttershy’s copyright lawsuit against him is still pending.



“Yea, and you know who it was? That waiter pony, Horte Cuisine,



DiStort: Oh, good, another broken link. I was beginning to miss those.

Disco: Why must you taunt us, Pen Stroke?!



from the cafe in town. I saw him standing with all those nasty cult ponies, and I recognized his mane and those super creepy weepy turquoise eyes of his.”



“Pinkie, they... um.... all had turquoise eyes.” Fluttershy pointed out.



Drizzel: IT’S AN EPIDEMIC! (puts on hazmat suit)



“I know, but I could still tell it was him. When he saw me, my nose got scratchy and my ears got floppy, which means that somepony recognized me and he was the only one looking at me.”



“Well shoot, makes you wonder how many other ponies around town were working with those crazy ponies.”



“Yes it does Applejack, but I’m sure we’ll find out the extent of that particular poison in the morning when we see which ponies are still around and which are missing.” Rarity offered.



RLYoshi: OVEP: provided drunkendly.

Crazy56U: I’ll have whatever she’s having.



Rainbow Dash said something after that, but Twilight didn’t hear it. The unicorn’s horn was glowing, stuffing her saddle bags with a number of different items. She then pushed open her bedroom window, jumping out onto the small balcony before using her magic to levitate herself down to the street below.



Disco: The spell failed, and she spent the rest of the story in traction.



============



Within minutes Twilight had made her way to Horte Cuisine’s home, the waiter stallion a bachelor



CTOONfan1: He’s single, ladies.

Anon13: In case you have a thing for minions.



that lived a few blocks away from the restaurant where he worked. Twilight made no effort to be stealthy or discrete



arcaneterror: Well I suppose not disintegrating is okay.



as she used her magic to force open the door before heading inside. The home looked positively pleasant. Warm, welcoming, and well cleaned. Not at all the kind of home Twilight would expect a cultist to live in.



Wild Trotter: Not enough occult stuff in display, I see.

Svensvenderson: What was she expecting? Shrunken heads, candles, and upside down pentagrams?

RLYoshi: ...If I was going into a cultist’s home, that’s exactly what I’d expect to see, in all honesty.

Disco: She’s obviously never watched Bridle Gossip.



Climbing up the stairs, Twilight found her way to the one bedroom, again finding the room warmly decorated and welcoming. Wasting no time, Twilight opened her saddle bag before taking out a carefully rolled piece of parchment and spreading it out on the bed. It was a very detailed map of Equestria, showing the entire kingdom. Twilight made sure the map laid flat on the bed before she began rummaging in the bedroom.



DiStort: Random maps on the bed make her feel more at home.



She gathered a number of items a pony might call personal. Bits of jewelry, pictures, anything and everything.



Wild Trotter: Not to mention romance novels, exercise tapes, hoof polish for Nexus...



Then levitated each item above the map, and began casting a spell on it. When the spell had no effect, she’d quickly toss the item away and try the next. After going through almost everything



Svensvenderson: She found Horte Cuisine’s clopfic collection.

Wild Trotter: “No Twilestia clopfics... huh...”

Disco: “Twixie? What in the hay is that?!”

Crazy56U: “My God, how much Appledash does he have?”



Twilight tried an old pocket watch she had found in the drawer



CTOONfan1: Horte Cuisine's a Time Lord. It is now canon.



of the bedside table.



When she cast the spell upon the watch, a thin line of light formed between the watch to a place on the map. A smile crept onto the unicorn’s face. While Nightmare Moon and some of the cult were being protected by anti-scrying magic, Horte Cuisine was not. The scrying spell was working, and it was pointing to an area near Ponyville.



Seeing this, Twilight took out another map and laid it out across the bed. This map was a more detailed, showing the area just around Ponyville itself. Again, Twilight cast the scrying spell, and looked to where it was pointing.



It was the rock fields outside Ponyville, the fields were Rarity had been kidnapped by the Diamond Dogs.



Wild Trotter: Well, now I know why the Diamond Dogs left the fanfic.



Twilight used a quill and some ink from her bag to quickly draw an X on the map where the spell was pointing before she packed all her things away. She made no effort to clean the mess she had left in the room upon her departure, finding it a very small way for her to get back at the earth pony who had been spying on her, her friends, and undoubtedly Nyx.



Wild Trotter: In more ways than one, that is.

Svensvenderson: “I made a mess and didn’t clean it up! Take that, Horte Cuisine!”

Disco: How heinous!

Crazy56U: Blast! His plans are foiled!



The sun was just starting to rise as Twilight set out from Horte Cuisine’s home. While the unicorn had been up all night, most of it was spent crying to herself in the bedroom and she did not feel tired. She was a pony on a mission with her eyes bent forward and her eyebrows tucked down



CTOONfan1: Her face must be made of molding clay.



in determination as she walked the streets of Ponyville and headed for the distant rock quarries.



Disco: She didn’t notice everypony laughing at her ridiculous facial expression.



============



“Twilight... Sugarcube... are you awake?” Applejack asked. The five friends of the purple unicorn had decided to spend the night at the library, just in case Twilight needed them or Nightmare Moon decided to try and attack them.



RLYoshi: Because libraries are well-known to be safe bastions of defense against alicorns of darkness.



Each had slept through the night with their Element of Harmony necklace, and Spike had ensured Twilight’s Tiara was safely tucked away in her bedside table. Not the best place to hide such an important artifact, but better than leaving it out in the open.



RLYoshi: But if you left it out in the open, the villains would think it was a trap and not take it! It makes perfect sense! ...right?

Crazy56U: It makes about as much sense as the explanation Mr. Cake gave in “Baby Cakes” in regards to his children.



Applejack saw a mound beneath the covers of the bed, moving over close beside it. “Sugarcube... I know your beatin’ yerself up ‘bout what happened, but... well, you can’t just lie here mopin’.



Disco: “You need a bucket and some water!”

Anon13: that’s mopping, Disco.



We got to go deal with Nightmare Moon before she can attack the princesses, and we can’t do it without yer help.”



Twilight didn’t offer a reply, and, after a few anxious moments, Applejack reached out a hoof to poke the unicorn and make sure she was awake. When her hoof sunk deeper into the mound beneath the covers of the bed than it should have, the orange farm pony tore off the covers.



Where she thought Twilight had been lying was instead several strategically placed pillows, one with a note attached.



Crazy56U: Why do I have the feeling that if it weren’t for the note, Applejack would’ve assumed that Twilight transmogrified into a pile of pillows?



By the time you read this, I will undoubtedly be long gone.



Crazy56U: “I’ve made a break for it. You’re on your own, suckers!”



There is something I have to do, and I won’t let any of my friends or anypony else put themselves in danger trying to come with me. There are somethings I have to say to get off my chest, apologies that have to be voiced.



And there is only one pony I can say them to.



Disco: The readers?

DiStort: Derpy Hooves.



I do not know where I am going, and I doubt that I will return.



CTOONfan1: I could easily end up in a different story entirely. Pray this happens.



I don’t expect everypony to understand why I am doing this but I have to see Nightm Nyx my daughter



Crazy56U: Pen Stroke... there IS a thing called the “backspace” key...



one more time. I have to tell her how sorry I am, even if she doesn’t believe me.



Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle



P.S. I have left my Element of Magic Tiara in the bedside table.



Wild Trotter: "P.P.S. I don't regret being stupid, really."



“Horse-feathers!” Applejack cursed. “Twilight, girl, what are you thinkin’?!”



Wild Trotter: You have no idea how much of an understatement that is, Applejack...



============



Crazy56U: It begins...



Twilight peaked around the corner,



RLYoshi: She reached the height of her fame around the corner?

Crazy56U: Tonight, on a special “Behind The Ponies”...



taking note of the two guards standing in the earthen tunnel. After reaching the empty rock quarries outside Ponyville, it hadn’t taken long for the unicorn to figure out that she needed to head down into the elaborate tunnel network of the Diamond Dogs.



A few hours of navigating corridors and Twilight knew she was in the right place, having almost walked into a pair of patrolling guards. In a twisted mockery of Celestia’s royal guard, the unicorns were wearing armor of a similar build but it was midnight blue, like the armor worn by Nightmare Moon.



Wild Trotter: Oh no, the guards are joining in on the crossdressing craze now? Has Epic Failure’s “Fabulous blessing” gone right to their heads?

Disco: No one can resist the hoof polish!



Also, like some of Celestia’s soldiers, the armor was enchanted to change the coat color of the pony wearing it. The sturdy built unicorn stallions were a haunting, almost sickly gray tone beneath the armor.



She had managed to avoid most of the wandering patrols, but now Twilight faced a pair of guards that stood vigilantly at a single door in the tunnels. She had no clue what was behind the door.



CTOONfan1: She was confident it was at least a room.

Anon13: My money’s on hoof polish storage.

Disco: Or an orange juice stash.



It could be where Nightmare Moon was or it could easily be a guard barracks filled with a whole platoon of armored soldiers.



Svensvenderson: What she needs now is a cardboard box.

Wild Trotter: Or maybe Nyx’s entire fanbase, under the sway of Nexus’ blessing, are just waiting to go “rip and tear” on poor Twilight.

Crazy56U: Yeah, he wants them to rip and tear Twilight’s guts out. He’s working under the assumption that since Twilight is huge, she must have huge guts. ...yeah, Nexus is weird like that.



Twilight slipped back behind the corner, having to swallow the nervous knot in her throat and shore up her courage. She then picked up a nearby loose gemstone with her magic, floating it in the air for a moment before chucking a distance down the tunnel. The gemstone clattered against the stones, its tinkling noise echoing across the solid stone of the walls.



A few tense moments passed, but the guards did not move.



CTOONfan1: Curses! These guards are competent.

DiStort: If only Twilight had an alarm clock to throw. That always works for Sly Cooper.



When Twilight looked again, she saw the two unicorns hadn’t moved an inch. They remained still as statues, minus their ears which now stood in a little more erect attention. The purple unicorn’s attempt to draw the guards away from the door did nothing but make them more alert, a little fact that made Twilight grit her teeth in aggravation.



“Okay, time for another tactic.” Twilight whispered, horn starting to glow.



Crazy56U: LOOK OUT, TWILIGHT’S PACKIN’!!!



She’d have to do this quickly, but maybe it would work. Peaking out from behind the corner one more time,



RLYoshi: She will rise to fame once more!



Twilight cast out her magic. The magic reached the door, and after taking a few moments to build strength Twilight unleashed it.



The heavy wooden door swung open with a slam, crashing against the stone wall on the far side.



Disco: !



Despite being trained, the two guards jumped



RLYoshi: and wet themselves



a little when the door opened so suddenly. They quickly looked inside, trying to see who had thrown it open. Twilight, however, did the best she could to study and focus the room beyond the door. She took in every detail she could,



Disco: They were mostly vague and blandly written.



painting a picture in mind as long a she dared before hiding behind the corner again.



She then waited there until she heard the guards re-close the door, and then waited a little longer after that to make sure they weren’t going to come searching for her. When both of those conditions were satisfied Twilight smiled and began picturing the far side of the door in her head, trying to recall every detail. When she held a solid image of the destination in mind, her horn glowed with magic and she disappeared in a flash.



Drizzel: (gasp) Twilight’s a jumper!

Crazy56U: Don’t bother, no one saw that movie.



Twilight didn’t dare open her eyes for a moment, fearing she may have aimed incorrectly and appeared directly in front of the guards. Still, when nothing reached out to grab her, the unicorn risked a look and smiled when she saw she teleported to exactly where she wanted to be, on the far side of the door. With guards bypassed and a new trick for getting by any future obstacles, Twilight continued down the tunnel. It went straight for a long time before ending in a right turn, and upon reaching the right turn Twilight peaked



RLYoshi: Misspell it once, shame on you. Misspell it twice, shame on the spellcheck. Misspell it three times...I give up.



around the corner and almost let out an audible gasp at what she saw.



A huge cavern had been carved out of the solid rock. It stretched on for what had to be twenty or thirty stories and was easily easily



CTOONfan1: It was easily very easy.



several dozen city blocks wide across. Even more impressive what was built in the cavern. A castle, both elegant and terrifying, had been erected in the deep underground cavern, its tallest tower just a few feet short of scrapping the ceiling.



Svensvenderson: Somepony is addicted to Minecraft.

Tower: Ehh, I think we should restart. Try sheetrock next time.



It was undoubtedly the castle of Nightmare Moon, and Twilight was suddenly regretting not bringing her friends along. Still... she quickly shook this fear from her mind. If she had brought her friends along it would be to face and defeat Nightmare Moon using the Elements of Harmony and she... couldn’t be a part of that.



Wild Trotter: And besides... she wanted to spite the readers even further with her idiocy.

Crazy56U: Yeah, screw getting help! It's best to be stupid by yourself rather than in a group.



That wasn’t why she had come searching for Nightmare Moon.



DiStort: She needed to get her fondue pot back from her.



Twilight hung back in the small access tunnel for a time, watching the many patrols of guards that kept watch from the castle’s high walls. As if being underground wasn’t enough the castle still had defensive walls, which only made Twilight’s approach that more difficult.



Yet, remembering her trick for getting by the last pair of guards,



CTOONfan1: She guessed every set of guards were equally stupid.

Anon13: It works in action movies!



Twilight began looking about the castle. She then saw an opening, a balcony on the tallest tower, and after focusing for a magic for the time the unicorn soon found herself standing on that very balcony, having bypassed all of the castle’s outer security.



Wild Trotter: (in a British accent) "Teleport!"

Crazy56U: Twilight has a long night tonight: after apologizing to Nightmare Moon, she has to stop Bowser's time machine and then take his evil test.



She’d have to be sure to tell Princess Celestia about this little trick. Her mentor would undoubted like to know how easy it was for the magically inclined unicorn to sneak into such a heavily guarded



Disco: More like ineptly.



castle by just popping around using her teleportation spell.



DiStort: Wow, Twilight teleporting. Never seen her do THAT before.



For the moment, however, Twilight shelved that thought and poked her head into the room the balcony was attached to. It seemed to be a room that existed only as a means of accessing the highest balcony of the castle, a room elegantly decorate with a night time sky on the ceiling and a map of Ponyville on the floor but otherwise completely devoid of furniture. It seemed a shame to waste such a perfect room, but Twilight didn’t think about it long as she moved towards the far stairwell and made her descent.



Crazy56U: A paragraph describing a room. A PARAGRAPH DESCRIBING A- (twitches) Bah!

Drizzel: (soothingly) It's okay, just let it out.

Crazy56U: ...okay. (punches you out and then wrecks everything in anger)

Drizzel: … ow...



=============



Twilight felt a lot less sure about what she was doing, having almost screamed when she came across a room filled with dismembered and broken training dummies. Training dummies that looked a great deal like her and her friends. After seeing a number of the dummies were missing their heads, Twilight couldn’t help but lift a hoof to her neck and swallow nervously. It was a good thing she had been able to avoid the castle guards so far.



CTOONfan1: Being beheaded would so ruin her weekend.



After slipping back out of the storage closet she had hidden in,



Disco: She wanted to admit her undying love for Rainbow Dash.



Twilight made sure the pair of patrolling guards were well past before continuing down the hallway. The castle was kept lit with a number of enchanted gemstones, the precious jewels a fairly easy to come by resource in the tunnel network of the diamond dogs. That and with the castle so far underground that there was no hope for natural lighting, it made sense that everything had to be lit, and smoke from torches would just choke every pony since Twilight doubted the ventilation in the cavern was very good.



These, however, were all side concerns. Twilight had been scouring the rooms for probably an hour with no sign of Nightmare Moon but the castle was pretty large. It didn’t help that there was no guarantee Nightmare Moon was staying in the same place. She could have moved to another part of the castle Twilight had already checked for all the unicorn knew.



RLYoshi: (sigh) Backtracking, how I loathe you.

Crazy56U: And thus, "Past Sins" became a Let's Play. Quick, call Chuggaconroy; he’ll make this funny!



These worrisome thoughts were dispelled when Twilight heard another patrol of guards approaching, the unicorn quickly ducking into an open door. She didn’t have time to shut the door without drawing suspicion, so Twilight hid in the dark room as she watched the guards pass by just outside.



The guards stepped into view, but with them was another pony... a pony Twilight recognized. Spell Nexus, the headmaster to Celestia’s School of Gifted Unicorns.



Wild Trotter: Unfortunately, also the pony behind this whole mess...

Drizzel: He was looking a lot more fabulous than Twilight remembered.



The purple unicorn could only panic and wonder why he was in the castle. Had he been kidnapped? Was he being held captive? Did Nightmare Moon want to torture him for information?



Disco: *Facehoofs* Twi’s constantly pushing the idiocy envelope.

Wild Trotter: ...And yet, Twilight doesn't even KNOW that it was HIM that got her into this debacle.

Crazy56U: Please, a good amount of the ponies in this story lack the ability to rationally think; does this honestly surprise you?

Wild Trotter: Not really. Then again, the Diamond Dogs DID make themselves scarce.

RLYoshi: Next time on Ponyball Z! ...how many times have I made that joke?



Despite the danger to herself, Twilight also saw an opportunity. If she set him free he could go tell Celestia and Luna where Nightmare Moon was.



Wild Trotter: And here's where her attempt to "storm the castle" ends.



That way they could prepare and plan an attack against the castle. He was also a unicorn with a talent for magic and that meant he might be able to wield the Element of Magic in her place. He could possibly complete the Elements of Harmony, since Twilight doubted she’d be leaving the castle once she presented herself to Nightmare Moon.



Svensvenderson: “Best laid plans of mice and idiot ponies gang aft agley.”



Before Twilight even really knew what she was doing



Disco: It’d take far too long for her to figure out.



she jumped back into the corridor with her horn glowing. With a single resounding clang the unicorn had used her magic to smash the helmets of the two guards together, making them slump over on the floor in a daze. She then wrapped her magic around Spell Nexus and drug him away as she galloped down the halls, putting as much distance as possible between her and the guards she had just attacked.



For five minutes Twilight ran and, when finally satisfied she wasn’t being followed, she came to a stop and released Spell Nexus from her levitation magic, the blue unicorn



RLYoshi: Wait, Trixie? What are you doing here?!



looking at her in disbelief.



“Don’t worry...” Twilight said between pants as she poked her head around a corner. “I don’t know why Nightmare Moon kidnapped you but you don’t have to worry. I can get you out of here.”



Crazy56U: "On an unrelated note, I may have sniffed some markers before coming here, so if I start acting stupid, there you go."



“But Miss Sparkle, what in the world are you doing down here? How did you even find this place?” Spell Nexus asked.



Wild Trotter: "And how have you been oblivious to my REAL allegiance for so long?"



“My friend, Pinkie Pie, figured out that a pony in Ponyville named Horte Cuisine was part of this crazy cult.



Wild Trotter: "And he had a thing for Twixie of all things."



So I used a scrying spell on some of his things and figured out I needed to look in the gemstone quarries.”



“But how did you get by the guards?”



Wild Trotter: "Scratch that, why am I surrounded by flankholes?"



“Oh, that was easy.” Twilight replied, still looking around the corner to make sure no guards were coming. “I know a teleportation spell, so I just popped by the guards whenever I needed to. That’s actually how I plan to get you out of here. Once I’m sure the coast is clear, I’ll teleport us up to a balcony. There, I can teleport us down to a cavern entrance. You’ll have to find your own back to the surface from there but I’m sure you can manage. I’ve got something I have to do here.”



Wild Trotter: "To make the long story short, I had cheats!"

Crazy56U: It’s official: Twilight's a BAD Let's Player. (sigh) I’m going to save us the trouble and contact slowbeef and Diabeetus myself.



“Oh, I can assure you, Miss Sparkle, that won’t be necessary.”



Wild Trotter: "For Celestia's top student, you must lack quite the amount of common sense today... sucker!"

RLYoshi: Obviously she made a stop at the hospital to make sure she didn't have any signs of Common Sense Syndrome before coming here. That stuff can ruin an entire plot.



“Won’t be- what do you mean-



THUNK



Wild Trotter: In the words of the Fatt Mann: "PWNED!"

DiStort: Keep doing what you do best, Sound Effects Guy.



Twilight felt something firm strike the back of her head, and the world fell away in an instant.



Wild Trotter: Game over, suckality!



Behind her, Spell Nexus stood with a firm, wooden baton grasped in his magic.



Wild Trotter: Well, looks like Twilight earned the title "Little Miss Epic Failure" after that one.

Disco: That trophy takes hours to unlock.



With a flash the baton returned to its original shape, one of the many bits of wood used to hold the gemstones that lit the underground castle. He returned the gemstone to the piece of wood and then set both back into the metal mount on the wall before looking down at the now unconscious unicorn.



CTOONfan1: Nexus: Boy, aren’t you stupid.

Anon13: Pot, meet kettle.



“GUARDS!”



Crazy56U: Nexus, you fool! Now Bowser has won!



Nexus’ bellow brought three pairs of guards running, including the pair that had been attacked by Twilight.



arcaneterror: Stop right there, criminal scum!



Nexus looked at each set of guards and pointed to them in turn.



“You, take her to the dungeons for the time being. And if she resists, don’t be gentle.



Wild Trotter: "Whip her cutie mark, if you have to."



You, go fetch the best unicorn sorcerers we have and tell them we need to expand the defensive spells. We have to protect everypony here from scrying spells, not just the queen.



“And you two,” Nexus said, pointing a hoof at the two guards who were supposed to be protecting him. “Be thankful I need you for something, otherwise you’d be in the dungeon for letting yourselves get so easily defeated by single unicorn mare.



RLYoshi: "I will completely ignore the fact that said unicorn mare is one of the Elements of Harmony and possesses more powerful magic than anypony seen so far just so I can yell at you some more."



Now, I want you to go and alert all the tunnel guards to be on the look out for the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony. It sounds as if Twilight came here alone, but I do not want to be surprised by the others showing up.”



The three pairs of guards all snapped to attention and saluted before quickly going about their tasks. Nexus followed the guards that carried the unconscious Twilight, smiling to himself gently.



“You shall be presented to the queen in time, Twilight. But first,



Disco: “A drink. You like orange juice?”



I need to hear how you do that lovely little teleportation spell of yours. Can’t have other unicorns like you sneaking into the palace, now can we?”



Wild Trotter: "Or for that matter, having other unicorns like you come peeking into our shipping fic stashes... or getting into MY hoof polish."



=============



The pair of servants at the entrance of the throne room pushed the large doors opened, quickly bowing as Nightmare Moon stepped through. The fallen princess had been returned to the frightful image so many ponies knew her by.



Wild Trotter: And yet, deep down, that same image is one of world-weariness.



She once again had on her purple eyeshadow, something to accent her otherwise utterly black appearance, and she was once again clad in her regal armor. Elegant horse shoes, a chest plate with a crescent moon, her neck plate, and the sleek helmet which fit her head so perfectly.



All that was missing was her Cutie Mark, something that perturbed Nightmare Moon to no end. She was a full grown alicorn and a queen and she was still a blank flank.



DiStort: Your cutie mark is invisible. It means your special talent is being a failure.

Crazy56U: Then again, the two fillies who would mock her for this were now scared of her, so this was no big deal.



Nexus had offered an explanation that her original cutie mark was actually Luna’s cutie mark, that it had been the moon princess’ special talent to move the moon across the sky. Now that she had her own body and was her own mare,



CTOONfan1: She didn’t have to depend on any stallion.



Nexus surmised that Nightmare Moon might have a different special talent.



He then of course quickly went about flattering Nightmare Moon endlessly, saying her Cutie Mark would undoubtedly be a crown or something else that would appear when she defeated Celestia and Luna and took her rightful place as the queen of Equestria.



Wild Trotter: Or maybe a heart of passion as well as some other symbol of kinkiness.



Nightmare Moon let her thoughts linger on her blank flank for just a few minutes before she looked to the far end of the throne room.



Nexus was standing near the throne, smiling gently as he drank from a glass of orange juice, his favorite drink.



Wild Trotter: Secretly, he's slipping orange vodka into that juice.

Crazy56U: NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE!



Orange juice was good, but Nightmare Moon had tasted some of Applejack’s famous Sweet Apple Acres apple juice. Now that was a good juice.



Wild Trotter: Don't forget the apple scrumpy.



She had first tasted it with Twilight, when she was being introduced to the unicorn’s friends for the first time. Applejack had been kind of scary, but the moment she tried that apple juice she had-



Nightmare Moon closed her eyes and cracked her thoughts back into line, forcing herself to end her recollection of the memory as she sat in her throne.



“My Queen, you are looking positively radiant in your new armor.”



DiStort: “Kiss up all you like, Nexus. We’re not putting a dance floor in this place.”



“Thank you Spell Nexus. The blacksmith you recruited does fine work.”



“The finest, my Queen. You deserve nothing less.”



“Is there anything else you wish for me to attend to today?”



Drizzel: “I can do birthday parties!”



“There is but one matter; a bit of good news.”



“News?”



“Bring her in.” Nexus called. At the beckoning of the unicorn a set of doors to the side of the throne room opened and a pair of guards came trotting in. They dragged between them a partially limp body, which they then deposited on the floor just below Nightmare Moon’s throne.



“She was found sneaking around the castle corridors, and it appears that she came here alone. Something rather stupid to do, considering she is supposed to be the smartest one of her rag tag group of friends.”



Wild Trotter: Way to go meta on us once again, fanfic.

Crazy56U: He ad-libbed that line; even he knew this part was stupid.

RLYoshi: You know it's bad when Epic Failure thinks something's stupid.



Nexus chuckled at his own insult but Nightmare Moon remained still as stone. The breath had got caught in her chest, and her eyes were fixed on the battered figured on the floor below her.



It was Twilight Sparkle, and the unicorn looked like she had been on the losing end of a brutal fight. Her mane and coat were a mess and there were a few visible scratches here and there.



Wild Trotter: And dozens of whip lash marks on her flanks.



The unicorn’s right eye also looked puff and swollen, like she had been hit in the face.



Wild Trotter: The other eye, however, ended up cross-eyed from the head trauma.



“Stand before your



Wild Trotter: "New mistress!"



Queen!” Nexus barked,



Disco: Epic Failure speaks fluent Dog.



using a bit of magic to lift Twilight off the ground. The sudden movement seemed to snap the unicorn out of her stupor, her legs flailing around a moment until she realized she was being levitated. When Nexus was sure Twilight would be able to stand on her own to hooves,



RLYoshi: Not only does Pen Stroke think Twilight has two hooves, but he didn't even spell "two" right! That's a double-fail right there.

Crazy56U: DOUBLE-FAIL ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY! What does it mean...

CTOONfan1: SO DIM-WITTED AND OBVIOUS!



he lowered her back to the ground. And Twilight did stand, though she lifted up her front right leg, as if it hurt to put weight down on it.



“So, how do you wish to have her dealt with my Queen? I can only imagine some of the tortures you could inflict upon her... and then after you’ve had your revenge perhaps a beheading? Or maybe it would send a more powerful message to have her hanged?”



Crazy56U: ... (scoots away) Um... You're a little too eager there to see Twilight's punishment, Nexus. ...I mean, I know you have a breathing fetish, but still...



“Leave us.”



Nexus was a little caught off guard.



“Pardon, my Queen?”



“Leave us.” Nightmare Moon repeated, her dragon eyes focusing on Nexus in a firm, angered gaze. “No other pony is to be in this room except me and Twilight, and nopony is to enter until I call for you.”



Drizzel: Ah... nah, too easy.



“Of... of course.” Nexus partially stammered, quickly galloping around the hall. He did not have to echo Nightmare Moon’s orders to any of the ponies who had been in the room, all of them quickly fleeing and locking the doors in. Nexus was the last to leave, slipping out the front entrance. Nightmare Moon waited until she heard a click of the door’s great locks before she turned her gaze back to Twilight.



The alicorn rose from her throne, wings spreading wide as she cast her shadow across Twilight, the unicorn taking an anxious step back in fear, the terror glinting in Twilight’s one unharmed eye.



“What are you doing here?” Nightmare Moon asked, her voice dripping with hatred and paranoia, “Have you come to try and purify me as you did before? Come to use the Elements of Harmony to save Equestria? Have you come to destroy what you helped protect? To fix the mistake you made believing I was not Nightmare Moon!?”



“I... I... I...”



The black alicorn slammed a hoof.



Crazy56U: Even Nightmare Moon believes in the Rule of Three trope.



“WHY ARE YOU HERE?!?”



Wild Trotter: "WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN THIS STORY!?!?"

RLYoshi: "WHY DOES THIS STORY EVEN EXIST?!?!?"

Crazy56U: "WHY ARE YOU ALL YELLING?!?"

RLYoshi: "BECAUSE THIS SITUATION CALLS FOR VERY LOUD VOICES!!!!"

Drizzel: “AND TIS TRADITION TO SPEAK IN THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE!”

Crazy56U: Well knock that off, this isn’t MSNBC.



“I came to say I’m sorry.”



Twilight’s words echoed hauntingly across the hall, the unicorn’s voice lingering in the air. Nightmare Moon remained still as stone for a time, but then she stepped back. The alicorn folded her wings and sat back down in her throne.



Wild Trotter: This is gonna hurt, isn’t it?

Crazy56U: Ooooooh, yeah. (pulls out tissues)



“It is too late for apologies. I have learned just how much....or rather, how little I must mean to you when you let them take me away.”



Wild Trotter: "Either that, or using your brain was too much to ask."



“But I still want to say I’m sorry Nyx.” Twilight countered, looking up at Nightmare Moon through her one good eye, the other still completely swollen shut.



“My name is not Nyx. It is Nightmare Moon.”



Wild Trotter: "You may call me Nightmare Nyx, if you wish."



“You can call yourself what you want. Nightmare Moon, Queen Moon, the Empress of Equestria. You’ll always be Nyx to me.”



DiStort: Dumb, boring, tick-infested Nyx.



Nightmare Moon’s gaze hardened, the black alicorn glaring at the unicorn.



“Oh how so very sentimental of you, Twilight. Pity that sentiment wasn’t there when Celestia was taking me away. Though, now that I think about it, you probably wanted her to take me away.”



Wild Trotter: "And all just because you slept with her. Isn't it?"



“No... no Nyx I didn’t-”



“Yes you did! You saw who I was, you saw the truth, and no matter how much you denied it you were scared of what I would become... so you let Celestia take me away... just take me away so you could forget about me... act like I was never even there.”



Wild Trotter: "Besides, have you even seen all those pictures of you getting all intimate with Celestia!? You were denying those all this time, I know it!"



“I... I was scared. I admit it.” Twilight tried to defend, taking a single anxious step closer to the alicorn. “Celestia told me of everything that could happen if you became Nightmare Moon again... and she convinced me that... I had to let her take you... so that you could be tested. So she could be sure whether or not you were Nightmare Moon.



Crazy56U: "So please... blame her, not me! She's the one who needs your wrath!"



“And if you weren’t, she’d bring you back to me... make me your legal guardian, so nopony could ever take you away again.



“But... but then I heard you call out to me... and not as Twilight. You called out to me as your mother... and I realized what I was doing.



CTOONfan1: The plot can’t control me anymore!

Anon13: Oh, you have NO idea.



Nyx... you remember that night, don’t you? That night when I told you that you had a family.



Disco: She’s obviously forgotten. Someone get her a wiki link!



That you had Owlowiscious and Spike as older brothers... that you had me as a mother.



“I raced out to try and stop Celestia. I was willing to fight her to get you back... but the chariot had already taken off. I chased it... but I was too late.”



Wild Trotter: "The power of the plot was too much for me. Honest."



Nightmare Moon fluttered her wings before she turned and sat back down on her throne.



“A touching story... but that’s all it is. No matter what your intentions were, it was your actions that set all this in motion. It is through your actions that you have done ill against me, and for which you shall receive no forgiveness.



DiStort: “Let’s see how YOU like mister naughty stick!”

Wild Trotter: Sheesh, misunderstandings like this make me want to vomit blood.

Crazy56U: (holds up a bucket full of glass shards) Me too. (downs the bucket)

RLYoshi: Save some for me.



“And do not think I have forgotten the stream of lies you have filled my head with. You said I was not Nightmare Moon, that I could never be her. Well, if that was true we wouldn't be sitting here now would we? I can only wonder if the lie was more your own sake than my own... if you weren’t trying to deny the truth that stared you in the face.”



Wild Trotter: Like many readers had pointed out, if only Twilight didn't have such a deathgrip on the idiot ball... Scratch that, if Celestia hadn't held onto said ball...

Anon13: Pretty much everyone in this fic is hugging and squeezing the ball and calling it George.

Crazy56U: I keep telling you people, (waves a box of markers) there’s a better explanation!



“It wasn’t a lie, Nyx... and it still isn’t a lie... or at least, it doesn’t have to be.”



“You are truly in denial when you can look upon this face... this form and not see me as Nightmare Moon.”



Wild Trotter: "And yet, I act nothing like her. ...Something must be wrong with me!"

Crazy56U: I think the real reason is that Lauren Faust owns the rights to Nightmare Moon (I’m guessing, don’t sue me), and so if Pen Stroke uses the ACTUAL Nightmare Moon, he's going to be sued for copyright infringement. ...and considering his track record so far...



“Nyx, ponies choose who they want to be. We all have that choice, and so do you.



Wild Trotter: "Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon on the other hoof? Well, they're just DESTINED to remain friendless."

Crazy56U: In my mind, this is slowly turning into "The Iron Giant". ...wouldn't that make this more interesting?



You are only Nightmare Moon if you want to be... and the Nyx I know wouldn’t want to be doing all this.



CTOONfan1: She’d be too busy annoying neighbors with her kazoo.



She wouldn’t want to take over Equestria, or make her friends worry.”



“Worry? HA! Who is foalish enough to worry about me?!”



Wild Trotter: Your fanbase, of course!

Crazy56U: Oh honey, you have NO idea how stupid that question was. ...kinda sad if you think about it. (reaches for a tissue)



“I can think of three... three Crusaders who were your closest friends.”



A memory flashed in Nightmare Moon’s mind, of Scootaloo staring up at her. The one pony in the crowd, besides Twilight, who hadn’t looked at her in fear. Whose eyes had been filled with concern and sadness.



“They will need to learn that their friend is never coming back. That she’s gone forever.”



Wild Trotter: "Except... not really."

Disco: Just like Scootaloo’s mother.

Crazy56U: Of course she is! We aren't going to riff the whole fanfic; this gets no resolution!



“She doesn’t have to be Nyx, you don’t have to be-”



“ENOUGH!!” Nightmare Moon bellowed, her wings unfurling for a dramatic effect



Wild Trotter: Thank you, that was totally necessary.

Crazy56U: Are you kidding? Pen Stroke used the word "dramatic"! This is SO necessary!



before the black alicorn carefully tucked them again. “Nexus!”



Drizzel: “I need to borrow your eyeshadow!”



The blue unicorn slipped into he room within seconds, galloping up and bowing to his queen.



“You called, your Highness?”



“With Twilight Sparkle in our custody there is no threat posed by the Elements of Harmony. Celestia and Luna are defenseless. We must simply wait for the prime opportunity to strike against the Royal Sisters. Soon, I will fly for Canterlot to take the kingdom, but for this day I wish to retire to my chambers and rest.”



“Of course your Excellence. And what would you have me do with Twilight Sparkle?”



Disco: “She is going to...’rest’ with me.”

Wild Trotter: Do I sense some 70's music going on?

Crazy56U: I don’t what you’re sensing, but I sense some sexophone. ...I love alliteration.



“She is to be taken to the dungeon and be given a cell of her own. Tend to her injuries and ensure she has a blanket and pillow. She is also to be fed properly, and not just bread and water.



Crazy56U: "I may be evil, but I have standards, dammit!"



She is to be given real food, food you yourself would be willing to eat, Nexus.”



Crazy56U: "Orrrr, maybe not."



“But... but Your Highness. She-”



Wild Trotter: "She dared to be more fabulous than me!"



“DO YOU QUESTION ME NEXUS!?!”



Crazy56U: "DOES NIGHTMARE MOON NEED TO CHOKE A BITCH?!?"

Anon13: Please do!



Nightmare Moon snapped, standing up from her throne. “I will deal with Twilight Sparkle in my own way at a time of my choosing. Until then you shall follow my orders and treat her as I have directed.



“And... if I discover she has been harmed by you or the guards again it will not be her hanging from the gallows!



Crazy56U: You know, it's too bad this riffing stops at chapter 13. Because chapter 17 proves that she was bucking serious in this regard. And I commend her for it.



Do I make myself clear?!?”



“O... of, of course Your Majesty. I will see to it personally.”



“Good. Now, am retiring for the day.”



RLYoshi: "And am gettin' an accent as ah do it."

Crazy56U: I think she got drunk off of smelling Nexus, and has begun slurring.



Nightmare Moon said coolly, standing from her throne as she strode by Nexus and Twilight, heading for the throne room doors.



“Yes my Queen.”



Wild Trotter: "No flank whipping today? Blast!"



=============



Nightmare Moon moved into her bedroom and slammed the door behind herself, throwing up her magical sound proofing before she began to stomp around the room.



DiStort: There’s always time for a royal temper tantrum.



She was tempted to topple furniture, to cause destruction for the sake of it. She was just so angry...



Drizzel: NYX SMASH!



But the source of the anger was making Nightmare Moon’s mind spin. She was not angry at Twilight, even after all the unicorn had done wrong. No, her anger stemmed from a far different source. She was enraged at Nexus and her guards for what they did to Twilight,



CTOONfan1: How dare they attack and ensnare an intruder!

Anon13: Didn’t they learn anything in minion school?



for bring the unicorn to her their queen’s hooves beaten and with a black eye.



The worst of it was Nightmare Moon didn’t understand why she was angry. What did she care?



Disco: She was far too one-dimensional for that.



Twilight had given her up, abandoned her... had lied to her constantly about the fact she wasn’t Nightmare Moon. She should have been happy to see the unicorn get a small fraction of the



Wild Trotter: Kinky whipping.



punishment she deserved. Nexus was right; Twilight deserved be tortured



CTOONfan1: TO be tortured, NMM. TO!



before finally being hanged from the gallows... but then why was she still so angry that the unicorn had been hurt?



Nightmare Moon stomped around her room for half an hour,



Disco: To the tune of the Imperial March.



her mind going in circles as she tried to figure out why she had been so angry, why she was still so angry. She even tried throwing a few books across the room,



Disco: A whole section of Appledash fics was never recovered.



doing anything to try and relieve her rage but it still remained.



The alicorn‘s horn began to glow, armor floating off and landing in a pile at the door. She needed to think and the armor was starting to become too much of a distraction. It fit her well but armor was always in someway uncomfortable.



RLYoshi: At least she wasn't a stallion. Then it would just start riding up in the crotch.

Crazy56U: Image... can't... remove... eyes... brain... bleeding... (drops dead)



Armor removed, Nightmare Moon flopped down onto her bed, not even bothering to clean off her eye shadow as she tossed and turned violently, trying to expend the frustration that just continued to boil inside her.



Who was she angry at? Was it Twilight? Was it Nexus? Was it the guards? Who was it?



Crazy56U: (regenerates) Honey, don’t you remember? When in doubt, blame the author.



The alicorn finally stopped tossing, flopping to one side as her eyes gazed off into the distance. Once again, the alicorn found herself staring at the mirror on one side of her room...



Crazy56U: "GOD, I look pretty."

Drizzel: “But I’ll never be as pretty as Nexus.”



and for the first time in the half hour of rage and confusion, Nightmare Moon asked herself a single, silent question.



Was she angry with herself?



Wild Trotter: Was she angry at how she was characterized? If so, I can't really blame her.



It was a thought that took root like a seed and began to grow into other thoughts.



Wild Trotter: Such as the sudden urge to feel up Luna.

DiStort: The first signs of logic. Truly a foreign concept to Nyx.

Anon13: Or Pen.



The first of those thoughts was it didn’t make any sense. What reason did she have to be angry with herself? She was a queen, with loyal servants and soon a kingdom of her own. If anything, she should be happy of how successful she was going to be.



But it was success that became tainted with the thought of Twilight in the dungeons below. Did she really want to succeed when it meant Twilight had to get hurt?



Wild Trotter: Except if such pain was directed towards the latter's flanks, getting her excited?



Not just physically either. Nightmare Moon was about to attack Celestia, the pony that was a teacher and mentor to Twilight, a pony the unicorn cared about deeply. How much would it hurt Twilight when she heard the news that Celestia had been defeated.



And why did she even care?



Crazy56U: It's that confusing notion called a "soul", honey. You should be proud you have it.



Nightmare Moon’s rage returned, but only for a few moments as the alicorn struggled with herself. The alicorn was mentally exhausted,



Disco: That didn’t take long.



and she decided to try and disregard her thoughts as she turned over on the bed, putting her back to the mirror.



Her gaze now was focused on her writing desk and soon drifted to the item that had been thrown beneath it the previous evening. The mostly destroyed training dummy of Twilight Sparkle. Without even really thinking about it, Nightmare Moon lifted her head, horn glowing as she drew out the tattered and ripped dummy. Her magic flowed into it, the ripped threads repairing themselves as the puffs of cotton were drawn back inside. Within moments the training dummy was once again in pristine condition.



Crazy56U: You know, if the "ruling over Equestria" thing doesn't work out, at least she can have a prominent career in item restoration.



After looking at the dummy for a time, Nightmare Moon floated it into bed beside her, hooking her legs around it.



Disco: *spit-takes* Really? Really?!

DiStort: (Kisses hoof) Mwah! G’night everypony!



The material was rough, but with a bit more magic Nightmare Moon turned the sturdy, unforgiving potato bag fabric into something softer, a substance that felt almost like a real pony coat. In her legs the training dummy became much more a doll.



CTOONfan1: Does widdle Nightmare Moon need her widdle dowwy wowwy? (violently

killed)



Her grip on the life sized doll tightened as Nightmare Moon thought of Twilight,



Wild Trotter: "Maybe I really should've let her "rest" with me, instead."



alone in the dungeons, in pain from her injuries... in greater pain because of what she had done. Nightmare Moon had seen it when the unicorn was in the throne room. There was true remorse in her eyes. Twilight meant every word she said, every apology she offered.



CTOONfan1: (Brought back because they like me to suffer) Which means YOU are

the asshole here. Who knew?



But Twilight was wrong about one thing. She was Nightmare Moon. She was the Mare in the Moon. There was no escaping the truth, and thus there was no escaping being Nightmare Moon.



Wild Trotter: And for the subjects, no escaping her newly-surfacing kinky side.



She was Nightmare Moon... and she could never be Nyx again.



Wild Trotter: And good God I need a stiff drink.



=====================================================================

My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.



Crazy56U: "But I do own the stuff that made you cry... so I got that going for me!"



===================================================================





Chapter 13



Disco: Yes, finally! The end of this MST is so close I can almost taste it...And it

tastes like chicken.

Anon13: Quit chewing on Scootaloo!



All Hail The Queen



Crazy56U: No thanks, I stick to hailing the king. Ash Williams has a chainsaw, which instantly makes him best pony.



===================



CLANG... CLANG CLANG... CLANG CLANG... CLANG



DiStort: We already agreed to give you a raise, Sound Effects Guy. You don’t need to convince us anymore.

Crazy56U: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!



“All guards to your posts. I want every approach to the castle on watch.” A gruff captain ordered out to the willing ears of his lieutenants. “Have all our unicorns do whatever they can to secure the castle magically.



CTOONfan1: "To everyone else... good luck."



Barrier, wards, or even just making the castle disappear. They can do whatever the hay they want as long as it works.”



Isphone: “Also, I want the meat-shield earth ponies to form a living wall around this place, pronto!”

Crazy56U: Wait, I thought meat-shields were only used in those Youtube microwaving shows.

CTOONfan1: Because nobody likes roasted nuts.



“Yes Sir!”



“Now listen to me stallions. Celestia has been up straight for the past seven days worried sick ever since Nightmare Moon has returned and she is at the point of exhaustion.



CTOONfan1: "I still want no one to help her cope. She has to deal with this problem on her own."



What is worse, Luna has still not returned since she left to confront Nightmare Moon;



Drizzel: But I’m sure she's fine! (huffs markers)



we still have no idea what her current status is.



Some of her advisers have finally convinced Celestia to get some sleep. She cannot face Nightmare Moon tired, so that’s our job. We have to keep the castle secure so the princess can rest and recover her strength.”



“Uh... Captain?”



“What is it?”



CTOONfan1: "Are we boned?" "Yes, yes we are."



“You know how the moon used to have craters that looked like a unicorn on it?”



“Yes, that was before Luna returned.”



Crazy56U: Captain: "Why are you asking these questions?"



Guard: "Somepony, I think his name was ‘Pencil Strike’, paid me 25 bits to ask you that. He said it had to do with ‘pointless canon-nods’."



Captain: "You sicken me."



Guard: “Acknowledged, sir.”



“Um... they’re back.”



“What the hay are you blabbering about soldier? What do you mean they’re...” The captain began, only to look to the far horizon where the moon had just risen, the moon once again having the image of a unicorn across its surface that wasn’t there the night before.



Wild Trotter: Surely, the moon isn't alive... and hungry.

CTOONfan1: "The moon's gonna fall! Fetch me Link!"



“Horse-feathers.”



DiStort: Understatement of the year.



The captain cursed. “Somepony tell the servants that Celestia is not to see the moon. If she sees that image she’ll assume the worse and never get any sleep, and she needs to regain her strength.”



CTOONfan1: "Got it. Men! Board up every window in the castle!"



“Yes Sir!” The lieutenants said with a snap to attention before quickly running off to their tasks. The captain could only huff



arcaneterror: paint.

Crazy56U: markers.

Private Sprinkles: oxygen. Who's to say he doesn't have a breathing fetish too?



, the aged earth pony soldier moving over to the edge of the castle’s battlements as he looked out across the landscape of Equestria.



Drizzel: And was pushed over by his exhausted soliders.



The moon continued to rise into the sky and the late hours of the night wore on. It was an anxious wait, the air heavy with anxious tension.



Disco: As opposed to calm and relaxed tension.



With Luna’s disappearance, the Royal Guard knew Nightmare Moon was coming,



CTOONfan1: and Luna has become her again.



but they did not know when she would strike and the waiting was beginning to get to the soldiers. New recruits were jumping at shadows, and even some of the most hardened veterans began looking around anxiously, trying to find some sign of the powerful alicorn they were meant to stop.



Wild Trotter: And the even more hardcore amongst the royal guard were barely missing a beat.



It seemed as if the castle would start attacking the night itself,



DiStort: Cast magic missile at the darkness.

arcaneterror: You are eaten by a grue.

Crazy56U: Yeah, that's what you get by going DnD on their flanks, DiStort. You silly, silly, guy, you.



just to break the tension, when a gentle breeze cascaded off the mountain. It took with it the tension, the anxiety, and like a fresh gust of spring air it allowed all the guards to breathe easily again. The wind continued, the guards only relaxing further. A few of the new recruits even dared to sit down, some stifling yawns. While the princess had been up for days, the guards had also been pushed hard on their shifts and many wouldn’t turn down a few extra hours of sleep.



Wild Trotter: The most fanatical guards, however, have been slugging down caffeine like it was going out of style.



The captain shook his head to keep his own eyes from drooping, cursing at himself for acting like such a rookie. Still, as the veteran guard took off his helmet and rubbed the top of his muzzle, his ears perked up... there was something on the wind. A very, very faint sound but it was there.



It was music.



Crazy56U: He didn't find this odd, since at least he wasn't hearing voices again.

Drizzel: But he did wonder where those instruments were coming from.

CTOONfan1: "Dave! What did I say about playing music while we are about to surprise attack?"



The guard captain quickly looked around, his mind snapped away from the comfortable sleep it was being drawn into.



“To your posts! We are under attack!”



DiStort: “Quick! Call our resident guitar warrior! We need some heavy metal!”

Crazy56U: So... we need a guitar hero? ...unless he’s playing “Through The Fire and Flames”, I don’t care.

Wild Trotter: "Do the voodoo that you do so well!"



He bellowed, and such an order would usually lead to the stomping of armored hooves and the panicked echoing of the order across the battlements... but there was no such commotion. There was no call to arms and many of his soldiers had already drifted off to sleep and those few who had not drift off could not bring themselves to stand.



Wild Trotter: The fewer still were too coked up on the coffee to even fall asleep, becoming jittery instead.



The captain, however, refused to slip off... even as he felt his eyelids growing heavy again.



CTOONfan1: He needs to stop tying weights to them.



He broke into a sprint, galloping around the castle to find any of his soldiers that were awake. He was, however, the only soldier still on his hooves.



Isphone: and he was still much to shy to try actually waking anypony up.



The other guard captains and even the general in charge of the castle’s whole defense had all fallen asleep. He was the last of the guard standing, but he would not back down.



“Come out you witch! You will not be able to draw me peacefully into the night! I will protect this castle and Celestia until my final breath. You will only reach her over my lifeless corpse.”



Wild Trotter: "Even then, I would rather suffer that, then deal with Celestia's... strange nightly urges."



The guard captain called out to the night before drawing his sword. His call seemed to be answered as the music in the air ceased... and for a moment all the night was still.



“I seek the fall of only one pony this night, and it is not you.”



Disco: “I seek Pen Stroke.”



The guard jumped, spinning on his hooves as he brought his blade around and sliced at whoever had spoke. The blade, however, just cut cleanly through the air... or, more accurately, a cloud of blue-purple smoke which had taken shape behind him. The cloud was unharmed by the blade,



CTOONfan1: "WHY! CAN'T! I! CUT! CLOUDS?!"



and after a few tense seconds a pair of eyes flashed open, locking on the guard as a single word cut into his mind.



“Sleep!”



Wild Trotter: "Clop for me!"



A combination of The Stare



DiStort: And now Fluttershy’s gonna have to sue Horte Cuisine AND Nightmare Moon.

Crazy56U: Why not Pen Stroke; he's making this all happen!



and the single command was all it took, the guard captain collapsing right where he stood into a gentle slumber. The mystical cloud cared enough to catch the guard captain’s head before it could smash against the cold stone of the castle floor, since he had left his helmet several yards away. And, after ensuring all the guards were asleep, the cloud swirled as several ponies appeared amongst the battlements, one a tall black alicorn.



“Why did you ask to come with me again?” Nightmare Moon asked.



“To induct more willing soldiers into your army.”



Wild Trotter: "And make them more fabulous... just not as much as I am."



Nexus replied as he and a few other unicorns from the Children of Nightmare began moving away from their queen,



CTOONfan1: As everyone is afraid she may still have ticks.



spreading among the sleeping guards.



“They hardly seem the type to come to my side willingly.”



“They merely need to see the wisdom and glory that is your rule, just as I did. They require merely a blessing of your magic, and they will fight for you with the same loyalty they showed Celestia.”



DiStort: “Or we can just give each one a cookie. You’d be surprised how often that works.”

Drizzel: I can vouch for that. NOM NOM NOM...



“I thought the blessing you discussed was only given to those who had already come to the order; you did not mention it was part of the recruitment.”



“The full blessing is not given to those unwilling, no... just a small blessing. Just enough to let them see you for what you truly are, the Queen of Equestria. Then, if the ponies desire, he or she may join the Children of Nightmare and receive your full blessing.”



Wild Trotter: Unfortunately, they may not be more fabulous than I am... erm, I mean... more fabulous than YOU are, my queen.



“Very well, do as you wish... it is no concern of mine how the ranks swell as long as they continue to do so.”



Disco: There’s no way this could end badly.

Wild Trotter: "Even if it means creating a new lunar republic in the process, I would not mind that at all."



Nightmare Moon offered



Disco: OVEP: babbled incoherently

Crazy56U: OVEP: half-consciously mumbled



with a turn. “I now have to deal with Celestia.”



“Offer her no quarter my Queen.”



Disco: “Only dimes and nickels!”

Wild Trotter: "And they will be needing a flankload of dimes!"

Private Sprinkles: Why, is there a tollbooth?



Nexus offered



Disco: OVEP: guffawed annoyingly

Drizzel: OVEP vomited



in a semi-cheer as the black alicorn spread her wings and took flight. She looked back across the ponies now sleeping on the battlements. The music had been the result of wind and reeds, a trick Twilight had used to defeat the Ursa Minor.



CTOONfan1: SO MUCH CONTINUITY!

Anon13: You’d think this was a fanfic or something.



A story she had told Nyx and a magic that was now turned against Equestria.



============



While she had been in the throne room once before, Nightmare Moon did not remember it. She had been asleep at the time, put under by a sedation spell



Wild Trotter: Or rather, the several dozen sedation spells, seeing how persistent she was,



by Celestia. Still, from what Nexus had told her, this was the room where he determined the truth, that she truly was Nightmare Moon... and this was the room where he showed his true



Wild Trotter: fabulous



colors to



Wild Trotter: the not-so-bright



Celestia, stealing her away to Ponyville so she could be resurrected without interruption.



Upon entering the throne room, Nightmare Moon was partially shocked to find her quarry was waiting. Sitting on her throne, unguarded and without a servant



Wild Trotter: or bedmate,



in sight, was Celestia.



DiStort: She had a little sign over her head that read “Come at me, bro.”



The great white alicorn almost seemed to be meditating, or perhaps sleeping sitting upright. Her eyes were shut, and the only movement came from her pastel rainbow of a mane as it waved in the air.



Nightmare Moon approached, walking up the regal red carpet that lead from the throne room’s front doors to the grand, golden throne that Celestia sat upon. For a moment Nightmare Moon couldn’t help but nicker a bit, realizing how grander and more elegant Celestia’s throne was in comparison to her own.



CTOONfan1: Why does she ALWAYS get the nicer stuff?

Anon13: It’s an older-sister thing. Jealous?



Still, getting a bigger throne would never be a problem, and at the moment she had other things to focus on.



“Answer me one question Nightmare Moon...”



arcaneterror: Do these horseshoes make me look fat?

Wild Trotter: "Who was Scootaloo's mother?"

Crazy56U: “Why do you deny our love?”



Celestia began once the fallen princess had drawn closer, proving that the princess was awake and aware of her guest. “What have you done with Twilight Sparkle?”



Wild Trotter: "Have you had your fun with her, yet?"



“Your precious student is alive and well... for the moment. She is tucked safely away in my dungeon.”



Wild Trotter: "For her... protection, shall we say."



Celestia opened her eyes, the pink orbs hard and steely as they looked down upon Nightmare Moon.



"Why do you even seek to take Equestria? You were but a shade of my sister’s desire to have ponies look upon her night and see its beauty... but you are no longer Luna. You are not my sister, so why do you care?”



Drizzel: And why should we?



“True, I am not that feeble little filly anymore... but I was born of her, and my desire is the same. I shall make all embrace the beauty of the night, and embrace me as Equestria’s true queen.”



“You will find no love in such an embrace, only fear and loathing.”



Wild Trotter: "And maybe Bat County might spring up in Equestria."

Crazy56U: Along with a dinosaur bar.



“Yet they will embrace me still,



Wild Trotter: "In bed, anyway,"



and they will come to love the night eternal. It won’t take them long to forget about you and your precious sun.”



DiStort: “Course, as soon as they do forget, they’ll probably all freeze to death, but it’s a victory for me nonetheless.”

Crazy56U: Again, they reveal their plans of taking away the sun, and yet they don't reach that conclusion. WHY?!?!

Disco: Logic or cliched villainy. You can't have both.



“You don’t have to do this.”



DiStort: Think you could have told her that thirteen chapters ago?

Crazy56U: ...she didn’t exist thirteen chapters ago.



Nightmare Moon broke into a bout of laughter, her voice echoing like a hollow taunt across the empty throne room.



“Oh, Celestia, you sound just like your student! How truly you must fear me and my power



Wild Trotter: "Or do you fear being the... submissive one? That, I do not know."



to try and turn me away now, when I am so close to my final victory.”



“So, you shall not relent from your attack? You will come at me,



arcaneterror: bro



seek to harm me?”



“It is what you feared I would do, is it not?” Nightmare Moon asked, spreading out her wings as she prepared for a fight. “Is that not what you told Twilight Sparkle I would do if I regained power? Is this not what is expected of me?”



Wild Trotter: There's that "expected of me" bull yet again!

Crazy56U: Even though we’re nearing the end of this... I think one more drinking game can be squeezed out of this.



“Yes... and for my dear student I dared to think that the young filly she had raised might still hold compassion enough to heed one final word of advice, but... you are Nightmare Moon... in entirety, you are the shade that my sister became... given a body and flesh of your own but still nothing more than a monstrous shade.”



Wild Trotter: "And if you think Equestria will tolerate a nymphomaniac like you in our kingdom... You have... uhm...."



Celestia stood from her throne at this statement.



“And know this, Nightmare Moon; you shall receive no quarter from me.



Wild Trotter: "Nor dime, nor nickel, nor even penny."



You are a wolf growling at the door and I will not let you harm a single pony in Equestria.



Crazy56U: So... Nightmare Moon has wolf blood? ...meh, not as insane as tiger blood.



So know that tonight, should you fall to me, banishment is not the fate that awaits you. I will not risk you threatening my kingdom or family for a third time. If you fall to me, Nightmare Moon... it will be in death.”



“Very well, then this is to the death.”



Wild Trotter: "You and me only, no Elements of Harmony, Final Destination!"

Crazy56U: No Fox? THAT'S CHEATING!



Nightmare Moon replied without a hint of worry in her voice, taking a few steps back as Celestia rose from her throne and began to descend to the floor. When the pair finally stopped, each alicorn stood on one end of the room. Celestia stood, backed by her great golden throne while Nightmare Moon stood with her back to the hall’s grand doorway.



The sun princess was the first to make a move, her horn glowing as she built up magic in the air. After a few moments and a flash, the magic became condensed and focused, a glowing metallic sword. The sun princess used her magic to twirl and maneuver the sword in the air before eventually bring it up with a sharp snap, holding the blade just in front of her face.



Nightmare Moon understood in an instant; Celestia wished to fight with honor. She wished the two to clash in a duel, a test of both magical prowess and skill. For a moment Nightmare Moon thought to forgo such formalities, to just attack all out and be done with it...



Wild Trotter: Or rather, just banish her to the sun right then and there. After all, if you expect a fair fight, your strategy sucks.



but at the same time the challenging look in Celestia’s eyes beckoned her... taunted her.



Disco: Show me ya moves!

Crazy56U: You’re too slow!



She would beat the sun princess at her own game, and perhaps spare Canterlot the destruction that two warring princesses could cause. After all, it’s hard for subjects to live and be productive if their homes and businesses were destroyed.



Manifesting a



Wild Trotter: whip, eyeing Celestia's flanks devilishly.



sword of her own, Nightmare Moon took up a similar pose to Celestia, the pair glaring at each other around the sharp edges of their blades. They then, in unison, swished the blades down...and the duel began.



Disco: This battle is about to explode!

Svensvenderson: ROUND ONE, FIGHT!

Wild Trotter: Cue the Darth Maul duel music.

Crazy56U: It's time to d-d-d-d-du-du-du-du-duel! (YuGiOh theme starts)



Lunging out, Nightmare Moon galloped as she levitated the mystical sword to her side, swinging it in a wide arch where Celestia was standing. The sun princess dodged with a single flap of her wings, body shooting up into the air as she twirled once, arching over Nightmare Moon. The white alicorn tried to strike out at the black alicorn’s neck, but her sword clattered against Nightmare Moon’s neck armor.



CTOONfan1: It's almost as if the armor was to protect her or something.



Undeterred by the failed attack, Celestia landed behind Nightmare Moon, the pair spinning to face each other as the sun princess took the offensive.



Each clash of the swords brought a small flash of magical energy, the room lighting up with each blow as the pair’s shadows were cast across the grand walls and columns. Each alicorn came close to making a killing blow, but each blow was blocked by the other. Each took small cuts and scratches, times when a blade drew a little closer then was hoped, but nothing that kept either from pursuing the duel with their full strength.



But the wear of the fight began to show. Celestia, who had not slept in days, was beginning to get sloppy.



Crazy56U: Remember kids, always get your rest. You may never know when you have to fight a resurrected evil in a death battle!

RLYoshi: I can't wait for this to be a moral in canon.



Her moves were becoming less elegant, less precise, and that allowed Nightmare Moon to take on and push the offense. At the moment their blades clashed, Celestia managing to block a downward strike from the black alicorn before using her wings to jump back, putting some distance between herself and Nightmare Moon.



“You seem tired Celestia. Perhaps you would like to rest?” Nightmare Moon taunted, offering a sinister smile. “I can certainly offer an eternal one.”



Wild Trotter: "Yes, you may give your most faithful student one last goodbye kiss."



Celestia only met the grin with a hard glare, using a hoof to brush at the cut on the side of her face, which slowly wept her royal blood.



Crazy56U: Dammit, Nightmare Moon! You're making her cuts cry! Knock that shat out!



A secret of Equestria’s royalty was not that they were truly immortal. The magic the alicorns possessed, which far surpassed the natural arcane energy found in common ponies, made them much tougher and granted them eternal youth.



But it was not a true immortality, and with enough punishment and injuries even an alicorn could be killed. That was the purpose of the magical blades the two alicorns now wielded. The blades formed of magic were able to injure an alicorn like no normal sword of iron could. It was with the magical blades that the pair could swiftly kill the other.



Disco: I still don’t know what this ‘sword’ is. I need a wiki link.



“I would think you’d offer more of a fight.”



Wild Trotter: "Where's your "Hundred Crack Hooves of the North Star", now?"



Nightmare Moon continued to taunt, the pair circling each other slowly. “At least more of a fight than your sister.”



Celestia bristled.



“What have you done with Luna?”



Wild Trotter: "No one touches Luna... but ME!!!"



“Oh, now what did I do with that scared little filly of a princess? I remember catching her when she was out in the sky, searching for me. It was so humorous... instead of attacking me out right she tried to talk to me. She tried to



Wild Trotter: "hit on me. Ah... erm... I mean-"



confront me, tried to convince me that I didn’t have to do what I was doing, much like...you and Twilight. It was so terribly pathetic, like a bug telling you don’t have to squish it beneath your hoof.”



“I asked you. What. Did. You. Do. With. Luna!?”



Crazy56U: Don't. Make. Me. Go. "300". On. Your. Flank.



Nightmare Moon smirked a little.



“Well... at first I laughed at her. Laughed at her silly notions that this isn’t exactly what I want to happen. After all, I am Nightmare Moon; it’s what’s expected of me, isn’t it? And when your sister realized she wasn’t going to sway me...



Drizzel: with her romantic advances...



that I’m every bit the monster you all believe I am... she tried to fight. But she is so weak after the Elements of Harmony took away so much of her power. I like to think even Twilight could have put up a better fight against me.



“And then do you know what happened? She ran... she flew away to try and find her big sister. To find dear old Celestia so that she could be safe. But, oh... those small wings of her just couldn’t carry her that fast. But... now what did I do when I finally caught her?”



“TELL ME WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!!”



Crazy56U: "GIVE ME BACK MY SON!"

Disco: “GET OFF MY PLANE!”

Private Sprinkles: “YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

Drizzel: THIS IS SPARTA!

Crazy56U: “NO, THIS IS PATRICK! AND I AM A MAN!” (Falcon Punch!)



“I banished her to the moon, just like you did. I thought she might like to return to her home of a thousand years.”



Disco: So Nyx took out a goddess off-screen. How much more of a Mary Sue can

she possibly get?

Drizzel: Well she could have defeated Luna with THE POWER OF LOVE (gags).

Crazy56U: Now stop that, I like that song...



“I banished you, Nightmare Moon. I banished you, the shade that had overtaken my sister.”



Nightmare Moon laughed openly.



“AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh Celestia, you are such a foal trying to protect yourself from the truth.



Wild Trotter: "Or rather, you were a foal for lacking a brain! ...I am surrounded... by IDIOTS!!!"



Back then, Luna and I were one and the same, no matter how much you would deny it. She was Nightmare Moon just as I was her. It was only your precious Elements of Harmony that changed that, tearing away my power, my drive, my desires from that foal.



“So, perhaps I should be thanking you, your precious student, and her friends. They and the Elements of Harmony gave me the chance to become a mare of my own... no longer held back by your sister and her petty morals.



Wild Trotter: "And... her lack of the Canterlock Voice. Oh how I envy that voice."

Crazy56U: Me too. Seriously, if I had that voice, I’d get, like... ALL the ladies.



I can now truly be the Nightmare Moon Equestria deserves,



Disco: “but not the one it needs right now,”



and all shall come to love me as their queen.”



Wild Trotter: "Especially in bed, that is."



“None will ever love you...



Wild Trotter: "Take my place as a sex goddess? Hah! I mean..."



and I will not let you take Equestria for your own. I will not let you



Wild Trotter: "make out with other ponies... erm, I mean..."



make ponies suffer.” Celestia glowered. “And I will not let you hurt Luna!”



Wild Trotter: "Nor her abacus!"

Isphone: “NIGHTMARE MOON YOU WILL SUFFAR!”

Crazy56U: Celestia has to kill fast, and bullets too slow!



“Sorry to break it to you, Tia, but you’re too late.”



Disco: A shattered abacus clattered to floor, beads scattering everywhere.

Crazy56U: (anguished, to the heavens) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



Celestia’s eyes flashed with an unbridled rage, sparked to life by having this mare she loathed call her by the nickname only ever spoken to her by Luna. Celestia cried out her frustration and anger as she launched herself forward.



Wild Trotter: "WAAAAAAAARRRR!!!"

Drizzel: WOLVERINES!!

Crazy56U: FOR BOSS TIME!



Nightmare Moon met the charge with one of her own, the pair clashing at the center of the throne room as their blades met for a final time.



The two struggled against each other, but when fighting with magical weapons the strength of the metal depends on the strength of the one wielding it. Celestia’s strength was fading fast and this was mirrored in her blade.



Wild Trotter: I guess she forgot to... recharge.



Under the sharp, strong sword Nightmare Moon produced, the regal white blade cracked under the strain... and before Celestia could retreat back the blade shattered.



The breaking of the sword threw the sun princess into the air, the magic kicking back on her. She rolled and bounced across the throne room floor,



CTOONfan1: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.



eventually coming to a stop at the base of her own throne. Shards of the shattered blade had speckled Celestia with small cuts, and her breathing was labored



Crazy56U: So... she's about to give... birth to breath babies?

Disco: Epic Failure must be so proud.

Crazy56U: His approval fills me with shame.



as the the pain of the magical kickback pulsed in her body.



When Celestia was finally able to recover, it was too late. Nightmare Moon stood over her, the black magical blade she wielded placed against Celestia’s neck.



DiStort: Cut off her head and take her power! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

Crazy56U: If that's the case, then I should contact Connor MacLeod-pony; he'd want in on this.



It would take only the slightest twitch to end it all, and for a moment the pair just stared at each other.



Svensvenderson: Trollestia then formed a magical gun, and popped a cap into Nightmare Moon’s flank.

Crazy56U: Nah. That's what she would've done had she not huffed markers prior to this.



“Well... aren’t you going to do it?” Celestia eventually asked, lifting her head just enough that Nightmare Moon’s sword began to dig into the alicorn’s neck. “Aren’t you going to finish me off as I would you?”



CTOONfan1: "I want out of this story as quick as possible. Act like Nike and just do it!"



“Do not tempt me, Celestia, for at the moment I am feeling merciful... or maybe... it would be better to say that I feel death is too easy of an escape for you. After all, the pain of death is over in but an instant.



Svensvenderson: Bond villain stupidity in 3... 2... 1...

Crazy56U: HAPPY NEW YEAR! (blows kazoo) ...what?



“Imprisonment, however, is a far more longstanding torture; I would know myself.”



“Then what are you going do to me?”



CTOONfan1: Imprison... you?

Drizzel: Remember; marker huffing...



“I shall do what I did when last we met. I am going to imprison you in your precious sun,



Crazy56U: That... actually makes perfect sense; they never explained in the show what happened to Celestia, so... this makes sense!



just as I have imprisoned Luna in the moon. The two Royal Sisters, held captive in the sky bound spheres they tended to diligently. You’ve made your bed Celestia; I think it’s high time you lay in it.”



DiStort: “Hope you packed some sun screen.”



Nightmare Moon’s magical mane began to wrap itself around Celestia,



arcaneterror: "I want your mane inside of me!" "Haha, that's ridiculous."



the fallen princesses drawing on the sun princess’ magic as she prepared her spell.



Crazy56U: So... Nightmare Moon had Celestia prepare the spell that sent her to the sun? ...I'm confused...

RLYoshi: She was a very willing prisoner.



When the magic had built up, Nightmare Moon completely encased Celestia in her star field of a mane, and from within formed the banishment spell.



Disco: FINISH HER!



There was a flash of light, and when Nightmare Moon removed her mane Celestia was gone.



Wild Trotter: Off to get a drink at an inter-dimensional canteen, no less.

Disco: Nightmare Moon leveled up!



============



Whispers and hushed voices filled the Ponyville square, every pony in town gathering just outside the town hall. The sun was supposed to have risen several hours ago, but instead the moon still lingered in the center of the sky, looking down upon the world with its pale glow. On the steps of the town hall, the Mayor of Ponyville moved up to the podium, looking as she had been crying. Still, she rubbed her eyes and cleared her throat.



“Fillies and Gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville it...it is my duty... my solemn duty... to announce that Princess Luna and Princess Celestia have... have been defeated...”



Wild Trotter: "In... in thirty... seconds... flat, no less."

Crazy56U: Not that I blame her... but she sounds like she had a glass of “orange juice” before announcing this.



A hushed gasp cascaded through the crowd, ponies looking at each other with disbelief, but none daring to speak



CTOONfan1: As they didn't have voice actors.

Drizzel: Actually, Bon-Bon has three.

CTOONfan1: Four, but who’s counting?



as they hung on every word that left the mayor’s mouth.



“I received word from the Royal Guard just after sun... when the sunrise was due to occur. Yesterday, a great... tragedy befell Equestria. During the late afternoon, Princess Luna was attacked by and imprisoned in



Wild Trotter: "the domain of Nightmare Moon, herself."



the moon. And then, just after midnight this past evening... Nightmare Moon met our dear Princess Celestia in hoof to hoof combat...



Svensvenderson: With magical swords.

Crazy56U: Funny how that bit’s omitted in the story the Mayor was told.



and was victorious. The Princesses of Sun and Moon have been banished to the celestial bodies they once guided across the sky.



“Nightmare Moon has hereby decreed herself Queen of Equestria, and the Royal Guard of Canterlot has sworn their allegiance to her. I have been told that... that any open rebellion against the new crown will be met harshly



Wild Trotter: "and that anyone willing to lay with Nightmare Moon is most welcome to do so... except the minors..."



and... and that...”



The mayor had to lick her lips, her voice trembling as she forced out the final words.



“And that we have seen the last of the sun. That this night... will last... for... forever.”



Another gasp cut through the crowd, a few ponies even fainting on their hooves.



Wild Trotter: And a still smaller group of ponies, not wanting to be around when Nightmare Moon shows up, flee the scene abruptly.



“Oh Miss Mayor, you speak as if this is some great travesty.”



DiStort: The slow, freezing death of all ponies? Pfft, I’ve seen worse.



Every head in the crowd spun around, looking back to see Nightmare Moon striding towards the crowd. The two of the guards who had once served Celestia now walked in the queen’s wake, their armor exchanged for the more befitting



Wild Trotter: Read: fabulous



night blue armor while their eyes now had the same brilliant turquoise as their queen’s.



The crowd quickly parted and made a path, much like they did the day Nightmare Moon first returned. Some even bowed as she passed, a sight that made Nightmare Moon smile a bit. It was a start; she couldn’t expect them all to be so eager to



Wild Trotter: fawn over her right on the spot.



bow right away. It would take time, but now... she had all the time in the world.



Nightmare Moon’s horn glowed as she moved the podium off the town hall stage, the mayor quickly retreating back as the black alicorn climbed on. She passed a glance at the mayor who was shaking like a leaf but still managed to bow her head respectfully. Satisfied with that sight, Nightmare Moon then turned to face the crowd, her voice ringing out through the night.



“Citizens of Ponyville, it is hard to believe that merely a week ago I stood amongst you freshly reborn, and now I am already your queen.



DiStort: Politics are weird like that.



One must truly wonder how sturdy your monarchy was that it could be so easily toppled.



“But toppled it I have, and I now stand as your one true queen. Under me Equestria shall flourish under the eternal night.



Svensvenderson: Care to tell the rest of the us how that’s going to work?

Crazy56U: Nightmare Moon: “No.”



You need not fear for your crops or your homes, for while the night can be cold, those most loyal to me have already begun the act of making this kingdom a place that can thrive beneath the moonlight. They have been long prepared for the night eternal.



Wild Trotter: "Of course you are all welcome to join my... picture show in my castle tonight."



“And there is further reason to rejoice. For as I promised on the day of my return I have not forgotten the kindness you all offered me when I was but an ignorant filly. For this, I have decided to give Ponyville a great honor, bestow upon it a gift no other town or city in Equestria will share.”



The ground shook, a distant rumbling reaching the ear of everypony as Nightmare Moon’s eyes glowed. All eyes turned to the distant rock quarries, in the hills just beyond Ponyville. For a moment there was nothing, but as the rumbling continued a single pointed spire began to rise up. That first spire was joined by others, and soon a whole castle had risen up like a mountain from the quarries,



Wild Trotter: Stretching all the way to the heavens, dwarfing all of Equestria with its magnificent height.

Drizzel: A CASTLE THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!



looking down upon Ponyville like a giant ready to strike.



“For the time being, Canterlot shall remain the administrative capitol of Equestria. The bureaucrats and politicians shall continue their labors amongst the white stone streets of the mountain built city. But Ponyville shall be the true heart of this kingdom, for it is here I make my castle and my home.



“So rejoice residents of Ponyville, for this town shall soon see prosperity unmatched as it slowly becomes the beating heart of Equestria.”



“You... you,” The mayor tried to utter out, her voice shaking. “You... honor us, Your Highness. We... we will gladly serve as your home.”



Nightmare Moon smiled. “Well chosen words Mayor.”



“Well, some of us ain’t goin’ down without a fight!”



Wild Trotter: "Combat time!"



The black alicorn flicked her gaze up, seeing six ponies standing at the far end of the street. Five of them she recognized. Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy all standing, wearing the Elements of Harmony. The sixth pony she did not recognize however; a unicorn who quickly stood there shivering, wearing the Element of Magic tiara as she hid behind Applejack.



“Well well, I was wondering when you five would show up. Who’s the new mare?”



“No one, just a simple show pony that’s all!” The blue unicorn replied, ducking behind Applejack.



RLYoshi: Spell Nexus?!

Wild Trotter: Has Trixie been discordified on us?

Crazy56U: Nope, what Trixie is demonstrating is fear! The best emotion! :D

Wild Trotter: Well, that figures.



“Her name is Trixie, and while she ain’t no Twilight she is a unicorn whose special talent is magic which means she can use the Element of Magic.”



Wild Trotter: I can guess how well that one will go.

Crazy56U: If they decided Trixie was there best bet, then they must've ran out of ideas. This concerns me.

Disco: Someone's been reading Pony POV.

Crazy56U: ...before it was ever written. … …PEN STOKE IS BEST PSYCHIC!

Wild Trotter: Pony POV? The one fanfic that makes ponies no better than humans? ...Yeah, I'm not reading THAT one.

Crazy56U: (turns to Trotter, glares) I happen to like it, you jerk...



“What are you doing?!” Trixie hissed. “I mean, I couldn’t even defeat a Ursa Minor and you expect me to go up against Nightmare Moon!?”



“You were the one that agreed to help!” Rainbow Dash snapped. “Now start helping.”



“But I don’t know what to do! How does this thing even work?”



“Just try puttin’ some magic into it or somethin’.”



“That isn’t how magic works! I can’t just ‘put some magic into it’ and expect something to happen!”



Nightmare Moon had to lift a hoof to her mouth to keep herself from laughing. Whether they were a threat or not didn’t really matter at the moment; the grand entrance of the group of ponies had attempted was quickly turning into an impromptu comedy act as they argued with their substitute unicorn.



CTOONfan1: Now someone bring out the cream pie!



“Just quit with yer fussin’ and try before I buck some sense into ya.”



Svensvenderson: I can hear the shippers now...



Applejack finally snapped, the minor threat of physical violence finally making Trixie step forward. The blue unicorn began to focus her magic, and as she did the Elements of Harmony began to glow. It was the first sign that the six ponies were actually going to pose a threat, the jeweled necklaces and tiara coming to life as they lifted the ponies off the ground.



Nightmare Moon instinctively worked herself down into a defensive position, ready to leap clear of the attack from the Elements of Harmony. The six ponies were enveloped in light, and after a few tense moments the rainbow appeared... and again Nightmare Moon was struck with the overpowering desire to laugh.



The rainbow spat out by the Elements of Harmony was the size of a small candy bar, and floating through the air lazily with mismatched and sickly colors. It drifted on the wind like a leaf, and when it finally did reach Nightmare Moon and struck her, the only effect it had was that it made that one small patch of her body



Wild Trotter: Not even stating which patch it was.



feel slightly warmer than the rest.



Disco: It’s not very effective...

DiStort: Well, points for trying, girls.



It was too much, simply all too much. Nightmare Moon could only break out in laughter as she spread her wings and took flight. She soared over the crowd, approaching the sphere of light as it faded. The six ponies who had attempted to use the Elements of Harmony were sprawled out on the ground, trying to recover from the after effects of using the ancient magical artifacts.



The black alicorn landed gently, looking down at the ponies as she stretched out her magic. She took each of the Elements of Harmony, examining the fine jewelry and smiling at her reflection in the gems before turning her eyes back to the ponies.



“Did... did I do it?” Trixie asked, the show pony’s head swimming.



“I... I don’t think so.” Fluttershy replied, pointing a hoof. Trixie turned, eyes narrowing to pin points when she saw Nightmare Moon was towering over her, not even a hoof step away. The black alicorn leaned in, smiling devilishly as she met eye to eye with Trixie.



“Boo.”



Wild Trotter: "ZUUL, MOTHERBUCKER! ZUUUUUUUUUUL!!!"

Crazy56U: CAAAAAAAAAAT!



With that single word Trixie was off like a shot, galloping out of Ponyville in an utter panic.



Wild Trotter: Read: Stormed out of the town in disgust.

DiStort: Hoo boy. Someone call Seth from Equestria Daily and tell him Trixie needs a hug.



“Told you we shouldn’t have used her.” Rainbow Dash grumbled, glaring at Applejack.



“Oh hush up; she was the only unicorn we could find who had a special talent for magic and even that was a long shot.”



Drizzel: "And she needed an obligatory cameo anyway."

Anon13: Now we have a shot at getting on EqD!



“So, my little ponies,” Nightmare Moon offered, looking over the five remaining wielders of the Elements of Harmony as she held the elements themselves in her swirling, mystical mane. “What am I going to do with you?”



“Do whatever you want,



CTOONfan1: (best Takei impression) Oh my!



you can’t make us talk!” Dash shouted defiantly.



“Yea!” Pinkie Pie agreed, only to look quizzically at Rainbow Dash a moment later. “Wait, what would we talk to her about?”



“Pinkie Pie, Shhhh...”



Nightmare Moon chuckled. “Perhaps I should keep you five as court jesters. Your bickering alone is very amusing.”



“Your Majesty, the law dictates that there is only one punishment for those who dare to attack you.” One of her guards quickly offered with a respectful bow.



CTOONfan1: "They must read Cupcakes and Sweet Apple Massacre in a row."

Crazy56U: Personally, having them read “My Little Dashie” would be a better punishment. That has the added benefit of having it tear your soul apart.

RingmasterJ5: Nah, then they could just go all MST3K on them like we’re doing.



“Let me guess... this is one of Nexus’ laws.”



“Yes Your Highness.”



Drizzel: We know because he wrote it in his signature sparkly ink.

Anon13: There was also a smudge of eyeliner on the paper.



“And what does this law say?”



“That any pony that attacks your royal grace is to



Wild Trotter: "be bound and gagged for public flank flogging." (beat) "Wait a minute! What!?"



meet the gallows.”



DiStort: Nexus plans on manipulating the gallows and new justice system so he can pursue his TRUE goal: The annihilation of anypony more fabulous than him!



“Did... did he just say... gallows?” Rarity offered in a hushed, disbelieving whisper.



“He... he did Sugarcube.”



Wild Trotter: "Then again, at least we ain't starring in no more clopfics. Right? ....Right?"

Crazy56U: Well, he's bat-shit insane at this point; why WOULDN'T he suggest the gallows?

Wild Trotter: He likes the slow-and-painful deaths, doesn't he?



“But... but what about the animals at my cottage? There are some that need their medicine. I have to go take care of them.” Fluttershy offered, starting to tear up in a panic. “There is a little ferret that needs his bandages changed and... and there are song birds that are just about ready to take their first flight. What will happen if I’m not there to catch them if they fall?”



Wild Trotter: "And PLEASE don't get me started on Photo Finish finding someone else to do "Da Magicks" on."

Crazy56U: You know, if I didn’t know the context, I’d be disturbed right now.



“You be strong Sugarcube. I promise all those little animals will get along just fine.” Applejack tried to reassure. “Just... just like how Big Mac and Apple Bloom and Granny Smith will get along. It will be hard, specially when the next Apple Bucking season comes. Don’t think Big Macintosh will be able to handle all them trees himself... but Apple Blooms gettin’ big. She’ll be buckin’ apples any year now... she’ll be able to help.”



“But... but I can’t go to the gallows! I just can’t! Who will...who will look after Sweetie Belle? I’m...I’m the only family she has left...”



Wild Trotter: "And I was one page away from finishing "Hearts and Harnesses Asunder", too!"

CTOONfan1: I truly do appreciate canon debunking everything Pen Stroke types.



“And... and who will throw the parties when I’m gone?” Pinkie Pie asked. “Who's going to make the cake when I'm gone?



Crazy56U: Pinkie is now channeling GLaDOS. She must be really upset.



The Cakes will have their anniversary party soon, and there is a wedding party that we have to cater, and then there is a birthday party for Lyra, and...”



Wild Trotter: "And Photo Finish is getting ready to celebrate her bachelorette party!"



"This isn't fair...” Dash complained, trying hard not to sob or cry, even though the tears were starting to form. “I was going to go to the Wonderbolt tryouts this summer... I was going to be a Wonderbolt. And I promised Scootaloo that I would teach her how to fly next year when her wings were stronger...I promised her that I would...who's going to teach her now? And...and who's going to clear the weather in Ponyville if I'm not around?"



Svensvenderson: Celestia forbid they have this conversation while running away.

Anon13: This is ridiculous. NM is threatening their lives, and their reaction is basically “Dang, that death thing will be such a bummer.” HEL-LO?!?

Wild Trotter: "And who will take my place as the "launcher of a thousand ships" kind of mare? Oh, horse apples! Did I say that out loud!?"



Nightmare Moon watched as all five ponies began to break down, many beginning to cry as they realized the cost their attempted rebellion would bring. Nightmare Moon felt a tightness forming in her chest as she focused in on what each was saying, of all the lives that would be effected if the five were forced to face the gallows.



CTOONfan1: Is it possible she's feeling... EMOTIONS?!

Drizzel: (scoffs) Dont be ridiculous



And the black alicorn couldn’t help but think of Twilight, the unicorn still being kept in the castle dungeons.



“Shall we take them into custody, Your Majesty?”



Wild Trotter: "Your custody, that is?" (wink wink)

Anon13: “Again. That. Is. My. SISTER. You. Bucking. Moron.”



The guards asked, moving a few steps towards the five mares, only to suddenly be stopped by Nightmare Moon’s wings.



“No, you are to let them go.”



RLYoshi: Being serious for a moment, I mentally cheered when I first read this.

Crazy56U: I don’t blame you. HOORAY FOR COMPASSION!



“WHAT!?”



The question had come from not just the guards, but the five mares as well... who stared up at Nightmare Moon in disbelief.



“But, my Queen, the law says-”



Wild Trotter: "Anyone more fabulous than Spell Nexus must be hung at the gallows. ...Horse feathers, is Spell Nexus listening?"



“AM I OR AM I NOT



Anon13: MARY SUE?!?

Drizzel: Is that a trick question?



YOUR QUEEN?!” Nightmare moon snapped. “Now, return to the castle and inform Nexus I want him to take me through all the new laws he’s enacted. Every single one!”



CTOONfan1: Especially that one people have been calling SOPA.

Crazy56U: Sooooo... Spell Nexus wrote that in this universe. … (pulls out shot gun) ...interestin’. (pumps gun)



“But my Queen, we aren’t supposed to leave your side for any-”



“NOW!!!”



Drizzel: Or so help me I will take away your hoof polish!



The guards jumped into the air and took off, soaring as fast as their wings could take them to the now above ground castle. Nightmare Moon kept her her eyes on the guards for a few more moments before turning her gaze down on the five mares.



“You’re... you’re letting us go... just like that?” Rarity asked in disbelief.



CTOONfan1: "I'm sorry. Do you WANT me to kill you?



“It is a repayment of kindness and nothing more.” Nightmare Moon answered coldly as she spread her wings. “For the kindness you showed me when I was but an ignorant filly, I am now sparing your lives.



“Do not expect the same mercy should you try and rise up against me again.”



Wild Trotter: "Or better yet, do try again. I will have something... very special in store for you if you do."



And with those final words the black alicorn took flight. She circled once over Ponyville before turning in the direction of her freshly risen castle, the Elements of Harmony floating behind her, cradled in the alicorn's magic.



===========



With a flutter of wings Nightmare Moon landed on her bedroom balcony, stepping inside. She floated the Elements of Harmony to a nearby dresser,



Crazy56U: Yep, don't destroy them or anything, just keep them in your dresser. ...maybe she plans on giving them to Nexus to play with.



tucking them away along with the pieces of her armor, removing her helmet last and hanging it off a stud in the wall.



Using a wet cloth from her vanity, she cleaned away her eye shadow. The now simply black Nightmare Moon gently laid down on her bed, mind turning as she struggled to understand the choices she had made in the last few hours.



Wild Trotter: Such as not forcing Rarity to read her naughty books in public.



First, she didn’t finish off Celestia or Luna. Why had she done that? They would still be a threat to her; while it may take centuries there was a chance they could escape the sun and moon. It would have been smarter to just kill them. But no, she hadn't done it. Even though it would have made her rule truly eternal, she chose not to kill them, even when they had expected her to.



Wild Trotter: I guess the "expected of her" part wasn't really in full effect after all.



And then she let Twilight’s friends go, completely unpunished. She didn’t even think about locking them in the dungeon with Twilight.



DiStort: Actually, that probably would’ve been an even worse idea, what with friendship being magic and all that.



Those six together were the greatest threat to her rule, being the current bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Even if there would always be more ponies with the virtues that powered the ancient magic, it would have made more sense to take them out... permanently.



But she hadn’t. When they started to worry about not being there for their family and friends, Nightmare Moon felt an emotion she didn’t remember feeling when she first faced them, when their paths had crossed in the Ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters... back when she was still just a shade of Luna.



Compassion.



Wild Trotter: Common sense.



She honestly, truly did not want to kill them, not only because they had friends and families that would have been devastated, not only because it would have broke Twilight’s heart, but...she truly did not want to see anypony face the gallows.



DiStort: Good. Let’s keep it that way. Even I have standards, and I’d rather not read about a lifeless pony hanging from a rope.

RLYoshi: Lifeless ponies in general turn me off too.

Crazy56U: That’s why I don’t care for G3. ZING!



If she couldn’t even bring herself to openly attack any of the guards just before her battle with Celestia, there was no way she could send a pony to her death by hanging.



Nightmare Moon violently shook her head, standing up tall, regal and proud. What was she doing? Feeling sorry for herself? Questioning her actions? This was supposed to be the greatest day in her entire life!



She had won, in all aspects her victory was absolute. Celestia and Luna were banished to the sun and moon respectively. She now held the Elements of Harmony, the one force that could defeat her, and there was no other alicorn or unicorn powerful enough to challenge her magic.



Wild Trotter: There are still ponies more fabulous than Spell Nexus, such as Sapphire Shores, but that's another story.



Her victory was absolute, she would reign as Equestria’s queen for millennia to come.



It was her victory... so then why did it feel so hollow?



DiStort: Probably because your victory will never go anywhere. Fillies and Gentlecolts, this is the end of the original unedited version of Past Sins. And thank Celestia for that.

RLYoshi: Next time on Ponyba-wait...

Disco: It’s over! IT’S FINALLY OVER!

Crazy56U: (breaks out the champagne)

Drizzel: Done! (jumps out the window)

Wild Trotter: (slugs down beer like crazy)

Crazy56U: Although, to be fair, at least this wasn't the (fan) sequel. (Sequel Hook?!?!)

RingmasterJ5: This one’s over, yes, but the darkest days are yet to come. Days of emo, one-dimensional alicorns. Days of believing. Days of... Mykan. *shudder*



=====================================================================

My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.

=====================================================================



Drizzel: What? You're still here? The riffing’s over, go away!

Anon13: Might be a variant of Stockholm Syndrome.



* * *